#i'm so tired of talking about this stupid show
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So.... is there a reason that you are insistent in tagging lou on tweets on twitter that buddies will see? Like, fine, you wanna share a cute message from him, then why use a hashtag or @ ? Just share it in discord and gcs and let it make its way around. Or just dont tag anything so people can't find it. You know the buddies are watching you. Or be on private. It's like you want him to be harassed endlessly by buddies just cause you love the attention and engagement.
WTF are you talking about? I shared it so people that contributed could see his response. Second, why should I monitor what I post because of delusional people. If they want to spread hate I can spread love for him.
I'm tired of this stupid shit. BTs should have to hide because a bunch of immature childish adults are psychotic and can't tell fiction from reality? They're not even watching the same show. It's whatever their delusional asses decide to see and hear.
I'm not in any GC. A lot of people contributed to this so I wanted them to see his response. Then I went back to private. The Buddies can suck my dick for all I care. They have no issue saying whatever the fuck they want so BTs shouldn't have to hide their love and appreciation.
Thanks?
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CBT and Exposure Therapy: Blitzø Showcase
An important (really, don't skip) disclaimer
If you are contemplating whether or not you would benefit from any kind of therapy, consider consulting with your medical provider first. While I did my best to validate all the points made using publicly available resources, I am not a medical professional. At the very least, I strongly advise that you do your own research and not take some amateur's opinion about a character from a silly demon show for granted.
"Everyone in this show needs fucking therapy STAT!"
We hear fans screaming into the void every now and then. Me too. I plead guilty and I willingly put myself in custody. But I am not taking these words back.
Especially often it is being said with Blitzø in mind, who, as hinted earlier and clearly shown in the latest episode, Ghostfuckers, is not doing okay. Not in the slightest.
Which is . . . yes. Indeed, trauma-ridden Blitzø is a major problem for both him and those around him. Yes, we see him reaching his lowest point now exactly because he left these gaping wounds untreated for so long.
But the tricky question is—how, though? What to do? Will a good talking to a confidante help? Or, maybe, some kind of shock would snap him out of the spiral?
I've been pondering on this topic for more than 4 months, and, as the Ghostfuckers came out, I finally got all the data I need to prove a point. The show did all the job for me and effectively made Blitzø go through improvised versions of two popular therapy techniques. And, before I even start, I want to say—I am so glad with what we ended up with. What they did, and, more importantly, didn't do, aligns well with how it would likely happen in real life.
So buckle up, and let's see where it gets us!
Therapy # 1. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, or CBT
This is, in essence and with some corrections, your good old talking. Here you can find more information about it, so, if you're not familiar with the topic, I recommend following the link first.
But, very shortly: CBT is an extremely common approach to be tried while you're dealing with anxiety, depression, and a number of other mental disorders. What it aims to do is to help you get past unhelpful thinking (distortions) and learn not to act on it.
Looks like it fits the bill, right? Blitzø has a lot of issues with self-fulfilling prophecies, infuriatingly stupid assumptions, poorly thought-out actions . . .
But he's not like, you know . . . w-we're not, like . . . we're not doing a . . . w-we . . . what's betw— It's a transactional fucking, you see.
If you don't feel like coming, that's OK! I'm sure I can do without it for one month. :)
Stolas only cares about having a rugged peasant raw-dog him into his matress! It's nothing, ya know . . . it's nothing else.
You . . . no longer have any obligation to see me, to touch me, to bed me . . . You are— you are free of me.
He sees things which aren't truly there.
It's not Stolas giving him space after the disaster in the 'Ozzie's.' It must be Stolas not needing him anymore, getting tired of him.
It's not Stolas caring about Blitzø. He is a royal, why would he care how an imp's day he happened to be fucking was?
It's not Stolas setting Blitzø free and putting an end to a problematic transaction they had with the hope for it to grow into something more. It's him getting rid of Blitzø.
As a result, he ends up hurting himself and the relationship he had with that one sad gay bird he happened to fall deeply for but literally trashed in his own house twice, acting on nothing more than frenetic fear of losing Stolas, but in reality, driving him away even more . . . for good.
I mean, you royal fucks think you can do this every time, like you can just play with our feelings because we're smaller and not as important!
Ha! I'm right, aren't I? You get off getting plowed by people you look down on!
And I can sorry more people, everyone but you! 'Cause I don't owe you dick! Everyone, but you . . .
So, the case's closed? Let someone—say, Millie—talk to him and tell him how wrong he was about himself and the others?
Well, here's the thing. Despite him being infinitely wrong about Stolas's intentions, we can't deny the fact that every one of his beliefs was not, in fact, a distortion. It'd led him to wrong conclusions, yes, but it was built on the information he received and legitimate experiences he had in his life. Here are only some of the facts connected to only this situation with Stolas, but there are other problematic behaviors and other reasons for him acting the way he does.
Fact # 1. The circus fire did happen, and Blitzø was the reason for it. Unintentional, and of course it wasn't his fault, but it still ruined the lives of many people—him included. Blitzø cannot act like it never occurred.
Fact # 2. Hell is divided by class and race. Their situationship with the grimoire was an embodiment of that inequality. A lot of Blitzø's outburst during the Full Moon and later in the Apology Tour was connected to it, to his beliefs that Stolas is the same as the rest of the privileged circle. Beliefs, I stress, justified by the real world. Stolas is more of an exception, and even then, his behavior is only different when it comes to Blitzø. He still acts the same toward other imps.
Fact # 3. We knew about Stolas's intentions all along, but before that fateful Full Moon, what Blitzø saw was Stolas avoiding him and not communicating the issue the Ozzie's date had raised. And before Ozzie's? Stolas did act entitled and inappropriate. He was baby-talking to Blitzø and used derogatory terms while addressing him. The dude literally called him an impish plaything in the Truth Seekers.
Fact # 4. Blitzø's heavily implied (though not officially confirmed by the show) existing conditions—ADHD*, BPD**, PTSD, and dyslexia/dyscalculia***—do affect his life, and while Hell seems to be somewhat receptive of neurodivergence, he still has to deal with it every single fucking day. He is going to be avoidant and afraid to be abandoned at the same time. He is going to hate himself. His learning disabilities are going to make his life harder. No way around it.
Note: *, **, and *** contain links to separate meta-analyses from @timkontheunsure and @tealvenetianmask about the respective conditions and how they show themselves in Blitzø's case.
And my beef with CBT here is exactly that. CBT's goal is to gaslight you into believing your distortions hold no water and suggests you just ignore them. And, as I've shown with Blitzø, these reactions and assumptions aren't baseless. They are legitimate, and, in fact, sometimes help to get by. Even though it's a crooked crutch, you can't learn to walk properly by just throwing that crutch away. You're still going to limp, and oh, will it be painful.
This is oversimplistic and dismissive. Anxiety and depression don't come out of the blue, and with mental disabilities, it's even deeper. The class/disability stigma is alive and strong, and just slapping a "you're fine" bandaid on your traumatized self isn't going to help.
Therapy # 2. Exposure therapy.
Exposure therapy is another approach commonly used while dealing with traumatic past and its aftermath—PTSD, anxiety, phobias, and such. Again, if you're not familiar, there's the link for you, but very shortly—the therapist puts the patient in a safe environment and 'exposes' them to the feared object in question for limited periods of time. The goal is to eventually get rid of the targeted fear and decrease avoidance.
And Blitzø has got some phobias for sure.
The fear of letting everyone down. Again.
And the fear of abandonment. Again.
All of it is a result of self-hatred, sitting so deeply it rules his life and his vision of how others perceive him. Said it himself. Almost.
So, where and how does the show expose Blitzø to his traumatic past?
First, the most recent, and the most obvious one—Rolando and his slideshow of all traumatic events Blitzø ever had in his life.
Second—Blitzø's drug trip in the Truth Seekers. While it does not contain the events of the past as they were, it does force him to face his fears.
Are you worried I might have enough of it one day as well? . . . You're going to die alone! . . . You're going to die alone, Blitzo!
With some stretch, the third one is Verosika's 'Blitzo sucks' party. Where Blitzø was forced to see the consequences of his avoidance and rejection.
Note: to be clear, I do think the party does not show the true extent of Blitzø's actions and how much he'd hurt people. It was exaggerated by Verosika, and here I explain why this is the case.
So, what gives? Or, rather, what gives it not?
It might sound funny now, considering I brought it up myself, but I, once again, say this is not therapeutic, just as CBT kind of 'talking.' If anything, all these three events did more harm than good.
The D.H.O.R.K.S.'s goal in the Truth Seekers was to torture the information out of Blitzø. He was not supposed to overcome it. He was supposed to crack.
The Verosika's goal was to ruin Blitzø's reputation. She was working her ass off to prove he's just a heartless freak.
The Rolando's goal was to fucking kill Blitzø.
And okay, their motivations had nothing to do with helping him, but maybe it did, in its own twisted way?
No. The writers added this to push Blitzø past the breaking point, not to heal him, and to show us more of his lore. Each time he was forced to face his past or fears or consequences, he was only spiraling more.
The only thing which did him some good was . . . well, Millie finally seeing his bravado mask falling off. But the cost of it was way too high. Not worth it.
To the therapy's defense, some points why it would never work in the way it was done in the show:
Blitzø had never given his consent and was not ready to face it. I might be very rude right now, but go and try producing some explosion-like sounds in front of war veterans without letting them know first and see what happens.
The amount of fearful experience exposed was way too overboard. He couldn't possibly digest it in a healthy way.
The environment was not safe. It was straight-up retraumatizing, an intentional one.
So there's that.
But what helped then?
We've briefly brushed over the fact Millie did talk to Blitzø. While I did imply this might be an example of CBT, here are some key deviations from the classic therapy which made all the difference.
Millie didn't sugarcoat all the shit Blitzø did. He was hurting their business. He didn't pay her. He was reduced to Bethanie. It showed her opinion can be trusted.
Millie apologized for not being there for him sooner. She admitted she relied too much on Blitzø being bulletproof, unbothered by everything. She admitted she didn't support him in a way he always did.
While proving she could never hate Blitzø, she used their common story, one he knows and can recall. She used evidence to prove him wrong, not a "it's all in your head" bandaid. And more than that, later she proved it with action—not for one second did she believe Rolando and his shittalk about what Blitzø supposedly was thinking about her. Her unwavering faith spoke more than any words ever could.
Getting back to exposure therapy . . . Metaphorically, she reminded Blitzø he can handle a beating or two. And physically beat the infestor demon out of him, which, as we can see later, didn't really affect Blitzø that much. He wasn't even battered. So, apparently, when the said exposure is done by someone who genuinely tries to make you feel better and knows your limits well, it might just work?
And finally, Millie acknowledged Blitzø's pain. She didn't brush it away. She validated him.
What all of this is about?
Like every treatment, too much of a medicine can become poisonous. So are CBT and exposure therapy.
They might help, and lots of research shows they do in certain cases. But there are limitations to what they can and cannot achieve, and they have to be adjusted to each individual story, to each trauma, and they should not be applied as a way to mend the outcome of the trauma without taking into account the story it comes with. Again, legitimate concerns and experiences cannot be brushed away or ignored.
Actualy . . . we've seen where it leads in the show too. In the beginning, Millie was quite dismissive of Blitzø's worries—all of this over a . . . breakup?
And here it comes full circle.
Only when Millie started taking Blitzø seriously, did it help them progress. And look how quickly we've switched from a complete despair to a glimmer of hope! Isn't that a beautiful closing scene?
As a closing note—we do not need to 'fix' Blitzø. After all this shit he went through, there won't be a day where he wakes up and be like, "Hey, I don't hate myself anymore! And look, I'm not afraid to be abandoned or misunderstood!"
I'm sorry to break it to you, but this is a lifelong battle. Being mentally whole, healthy, and constantly happy is no more than a myth, and everyone has their own demons and skeletons to deal with.
What Blitzø needs is some good support system to pull him back when he's down.
And boy, do I hope that one particular owl will fill in that role of unyielding pillar for Blitzø each time our lizard will fall into that pit again. Look, I love Millie, but there's only so much she can do. She can't be always present, she has her own life . . . and her own disaster of a husband to look after (affectionate <3). Here and here @lost-romantique talks about Stolas's capacity of loving, with me occasionally nodding, ha-ha. But to be short—it's fucking immense. And since he loves words, I do believe he has all the energy to tell again and again and again how awesome Blitzø is. Even if Blitzø wouldn't believe it himself.
#I'm ashamed to admit how many times I did a complete rewrite of this thing#and how long did I put off this meta#but hey#now it's out of my system#also this fucking tumblr and its 30 images limit#forced me to delete some nice screenshots#but oh well#akira's whimpery metas#tw self-hatred#tw trauma#tw ptsd#tw abuse#helluva boss#helluva boss spoilers#helluva boss ghostfuckers#helluva boss meta#blitzø#millie#stolitz#stolas#stolas x blitz#stolas goetia#blitz x stolas#blitz
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Hello mod, may I request something cutesy for Skateboard x reader?
summary - skateboard x reader, reader is from blackrock and is described as being a little bit messed up from it (not detailed)
misc - hi i seen this request and got so excited i love skateboard ... 1million tripmine attack go
-Skateboard hadn't really been looking to make any new friends when he'd stumbled onto you. It'd been late at night and he was dead tired, having spent the entire day in the blistering heat of day. He was really just looking to go home when he'd seen you.
-It wasn't uncommon to see people lost in Playground, especially people from other regions. It was less common to see someone frantically pacing back and forth with a stuffed full suitcase and what was very obviously a Blackrock-style uniform talking about getting hunted for sport.
-Initially, the uniform had put him on edge. He phights Subspace and Hyperlaser all the time and he's seen plenty of people from there pass through Playground, and it wasn't often they had good intentions. There was something different about you, though, your panic didn't seem manufactured to draw someone in, it felt unnervingly genuine. Blackrock isn't exactly known for letting its residents easily slip out whenever they want. if you really were some kind of runaway, you definitely had reason to be freaking out.
-Against his better judgement, he approached you.
"Hey man, are you ok?" Skate asked cautiously, taking a few steps closer to you. He kept his distance, he wasn't sure what kind of gear you might have and he wasn't looking to phight right now. Your head had whipped towards him the moment he'd stepped into the alley, wide eyes darting over his figure. He certainly didn't look like the type to be affiliated with the faction. Besides, to be entirely honest, an alley was a pretty terrible place to hide. For any Blackrock authority with an itchy trigger finger (most of them, you noted bitterly), it was the perfect place to solve a runaway. "Hello...?" You blinked, remembering he'd asked a question. "O-Oh, um... Yeah I'm- I'm fine," you stammered, hastily smoothing yourself out and ripping your eyes away. Any attempt at looking casual was soaked in anxiety. "Right, Right," he didn't believe you at all, "You mind telling me what's up then?" You kicked at the ground a few times, scuffing up already worn workboots out in an attempt to shake your nerves. You couldn't meet his eyes for more than a glance. "I'd rather not." Skate paused for a few moments. Maybe it's exhaustion talking, but you really didn't seem like much of a threat. If you were trying to bait him into getting close, it seemed counterintuitive to be acting so guarded. This didn't feel like an elaborate scheme, it just felt like a genuine moment of crisis. Before he could say anything, you spoke up again. "Listen I just- Do you need something? I really don't know why you're talking to me." You were struggling to keep your voice firm, but you couldn't afford to let your voice wobble over the edge and into tears. "Hey, just calm down. I wanna help you, ok?" This could have been a stupid move, but he took another few steps closer, one arm holding his board and the other raised in a show of pacifism, "I'm sorry if I was freakin' you out with all the questions. Do you have anywhere to go?" You bit the inside of your cheek, mentally debating if you really wanted to put this onto a stranger. On one hand, it was just humiliating for you. On the other, it was a risk, he might be playing nice now but he could sell you out in a heartbeat. "No." "Alright, well how about you come with me?" He was quick to clarify when you glanced at him, "You can stay with me until you find a place! Or, I could try and find some hotel nearby, I guess ..." He trailed off, talking more to himself than you. Part of you was screaming to run the other way, as far as you knew this guy had you totally figured out and was ready to use the situation to get whatever it was he wanted. He could blackmail you, rat you out, ruin every chance you have at a new life. You can't just pick up and keep running if he tries anything, this guy was clearly from here, far more familiar with the bustling city than you were. Despite all this- "Please."
-It was a pretty long adjustment period. Skate was a little too casual and open for your paranoid mind to comprehend and you were a little too guarded and mysterious for Skate to trust you fully. You were so unfamiliar with Playground's culture, the lively and crowded atmosphere was a stark contrast to the utilitarian lifestyle you were accustomed to. There was little you could do other than try and bully forward.
-It was the little things that made Skate warm up to you. You always insisted it was out of politeness whenever he'd confront you about how nice the place looked or how there was leftovers for him when he got home. You would get wrapped up in something and you would start talking to yourself, walking through all the different steps and alternatives in a long ramble under your breath. Despite the exterior you were putting up, there was clearly some life to you yet.
-Sometimes he would tease you about it, but he was surprisingly strategic. He'd annoy you just enough to get you to glare at him and then back off for a while, returning the favor by bringing home snacks and takeout for the two of you in an effort to draw out more of that humanity. Besides, you could really use the food. The day he noticed most everything you made for yourself was just whatever used the least amount of resources was the same day he shoved most of his portion over to you without a word.
-Neither of you really noticed how you opened up to one another. Slowly you two stopped sitting on opposite sides of the room until you spent nights laying on one another watching bad tv. Admittedly, he might've gotten the first hint at his crush for you the first time you fell asleep on him. Sure, it was just plain cute, but it meant something more knowing it was you, the same person who used to run off to go eat by yourself every night and stuck to the corners of a room.
-He noticed your quirks become more apparent, little references and phrases he'd never heard before suddenly littered your every word. You spoke more openly, though you still had a tendency of not talking unless he said something that absolutely called for it. He didn't mind, he was usually the more chatty one in his friendships anyway. He just liked getting an excuse to tell you about all the phights he's been in and all the (more lighthearted) things his gang was up to. At some points, the lines between fabrication and reality in his stories blurred for whatever reason. He didn't mind that either, so long as you were laughing or drawn in by what he was saying.
-You weren't into the idea of phighting yourself, it was just a little too much for you. Besides, even the idea of seeing Hyperlaser or Subspace again on the battlefield of all places made your stomach churn. Instead, he'd just gotten you into play wrestling with him. You were stronger than he'd been expecting, though he probably should've known you would be considering your background. He didn't have to take it easy on you, only really holding back for the sake of not breaking anything.
-It was cliche, but there was some time where you'd won and managed to shove him down and keep him there and all the admiration he' been building up for you overflowed and left him looking up at you with some dumb grin. You were smiling back, something you'd only recently really started doing again. He liked to think it was because you were comfortable here with him, you would agree.
"Hi." "Hey." He laughed again, a nervous habit you often poked fun at, "You're really pretty, you know that?" You'd burnt up at that, laughing a little yourself as you stared down at him, "Where's this coming from?" "I dunno, just been thinking it." "You're weird." "Do you like me weird?" You snorted, halfheartedly swatting him one more time before pushing yourself back up. "Of course." "That's good, I like you weird too," the moment he'd finished his sentence, you were already pouncing on him again.
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after reading the one hundred and one millionth inane quote about how Loki is such a pRiViLeGeD pRiNcE while Sylvie is just a poor baby who had no real childhood and had to learn to fend for herself from a young age, I feel the need to point out that even the ONE thing we know about Sylvie's past, the thing that's supposed to be her mAjOr tRaUmA and set her apart from him somehow, was literally stolen from Loki.
this is how Tom described Loki's experience post-suicide attempt back in the day while doing press for Avengers:
“I think he went, like with everything else, to a sort of… it was just like, the worst place imaginable. I think he went to all of the darkest recesses of the universe. I’m sure he had a brush with—several brushes with death. I think he ran into the shadiest characters you can find in the Nine Realms. I think he had to rely on his wits to protect himself. It was really, really, really unpleasant, I think. I don’t have any frame of reference for that, except for imagining what it might be like to be kidnapped by a terrorist or something and have to survive a very, very frightening and precarious existence. But whatever it was, it was important when Loki came back for The Avengers, that whatever compassion he had left was absolutely shriveled to a minimum because of the experience that he had. Harrowing, I think, and scarring for life—in a way that Thor and Odin and Frigga find very, very difficult to understand.” [source]
and now the show pretends that Loki teamed up with Thanos completely of his own will, even though Marvel had JUST confirmed that the sceptre was influencing him throughout Avengers, and they hand that traumatic backstory that was Loki's off to their precious OC.
#i'm so tired of talking about this stupid show#i really just want to forget it even exists#but i feel like this is an aspect of the show (and the narrative being pushed relentlessly in interviews)#that doesn't get talked about much if at all#we talk about her stealing his clothes and his spotlight and his history of trauma generally-speaking#but even the *specifics* of her trauma (that's allegedly soooo much worse than loki's!)#were literally copy/pasted from him#it's pathetic and insulting and i will evidently die mad about it#into the larryverse#loki (2021)#loki tv series#sylvie laufeydottir#mcu salt
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I love singNsong again reminding people in Side Story that Dokja wanted other people to read TWSA (he wrote reviews and comments! It was his first wish), and he only stopped bothering because people harassed him for it. He didn't gate-keep the story. When he's avoiding talking to Sangah about it at the beginning of ORV, it's because he knows what happens when he tells people about the story, not because he's gate-keeping it from her. He notes he's not proud of his hobby (likely because he's been bullied all through his life, including for reading the thing he loves): he finds it embarrassing to talk about, and better respects her studying Spanish in her free time (learning another language is a generally accepted thing in society). He assumes she won't care or will look at him funny (or worse) for when she learns about the novel he's into.
Basically anyone writing "let's gatekeep ORV" posts because of the anime announcement or because they dislike the manhwa or some other weirdness, y'all are the villains in the scenario.
The literal climax of the story is about sharing ORV with as many people as possible. What story were y'all reading?
#orv#really tired of the stupid gate-keepy bs in some parts of this fandom#omniscient reader's viewpoint#kim dokja#side story spoilers#it's been quite fascinating seeing novel fanatics come out of the woodwork against potential anime fans#while showing how much they hate the manhwa and manhwa fans too#the only actual official English translation we have is the manhwa#acting like we're all in this together like no#I adore the novel and the manhwa#and folks who started with the manhwa or just happen to also like the manhwa but also like the novel see you for what you are#avoiding talking about something is not gatekeeping#it's often recognizing various social cues#like oh this person probably isn't familiar and I don't care to explain#or I'm worried they'll treat me badly if they know#when you're trying to connect with someone you tend to look for things you share not stuff you don't#if Dokja heard about people trying to gatekeep orv he would be disgusted#also NOT gatekeeping orv is literally the climax of the story I am so deeply confused by people encouraging gatekeeping of it#you're making han suyeong mad#she didn't nearly kill herself writing orv in order to share it to everyone they could find so people could gatekeep it#that is literally the opposite of the goal#it's not bad to ask if folks have read the novel because for a variety of reasons folks may not have#but it is bad to act like reading the novel is a fandom requirement especially given all we have is a fantranslation using MTL#or you must love the novel above others or the novel only#I want singnsong to get fucking rich from this story they shared and which I and many adore#gatekeeping does not make that happen#also good luck getting people to buy the Yen Press novel translation when it comes out when you act like this#the manhwa is available in at least seven languages officially fuck off with this gatekeeping crap#don't get me started how a lot of y'all don't even know what twatf is and a good chunk of y'all who won't even touch it when you do know#and that doesn't exactly bother me but it does bug me when book purists get all high and mighty
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grief is like a really ugly couch
I think grief is like a really ugly couch. It never goes away. You can decorate around it; you can slap a doily on top of it; you can push it to the corner of the room—but eventually, you learn to live with it. ― Jodi Picoult, Leaving Time
#the mentalist#quotes#patrick jane#i would say web weaving but there's not a lot of web weaving happening#initially I also had a bit of an essay accompanying this but it disappeared because of a tumblr glitch + my own stupidity#and i'm too tired to write it prettily but i still wanna write it so it'll be in the tags#a cute little fun surprise for whoever cares about and reads tags#so i made a different post talking about jane's grief but i was upset i didn't have enough space for the couch (pun unintended)#and i was thinking this morning about this quote and jane's couch and how it could be interpreted as a physical manifestation of his grief#as well as his willingness to open up to people#1. i love grief; grief is important to me. grief is permanent and i have been aware of grief in a form of another (in my own personal life)#for a very very very long time. so to see it in this show is...significant to me. i cherish this#now onto the actual analyzing. of course they never intended the couch to be a symbol for grief; but it becomes so.#he leans on the couch when he opens the Red John files; for support most likely - and it's a beginning of the process of dealing with grief#he is the only one who uses the couch. everyone knows it as jane's couch#in S4E23 Cho uses it briefly to rest and Rigsby asks him if Jane knows he's using his couch#Erica tries briefly (also in S4) to sit on the couch but he doesn't allow her the space#in fact the only two people we see that use the couch are Teresa Lisbon and Dennis Abbott#and this is the part about emotional availability. he only shares the couch with people whom he trusts#With Lisbon twice even#the couch is grief and the couch is love; the couch is support#there's nostalgia for the CBI times but there's also more to it#and that quote makes me go absolutely feral because#'eventually you learn to live with it' 😭 eventually you learn to live with grief and eventually you learn to accept it as part from yself#andand he is happy to see the couch; he missed the couch#-> you are not free from your grief but in healing you learn that it's okay; you cherish your grief; it was there with you and for you#yea anyways i will never not go mad about grief and trauma and how it's portrayed and handled.#and i already have 2 more sorta-proper essays that i want to write on the topic asdgfhdhjk. yea i'm literally not gonna stop
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ppl really b acting as if there's only one specific ship that has weird shippers that will complain about ppl not shipping their otp. it's literally always the case you either get fucked over for liking a gay ship or for liking a straight ship or for liking a toxic ship or people just start going "oh there's nothing wrong with the ship but the shippers💀" and you don't fucking know what they're talking about. like can we all just chill. the weird shippers r everywhere it's called some ppl are assholes sometimes. it's not fandom specific
#it's like with the “x ship sent death threats to the author!”#first of all : proof?#second of all: I've heard this for multiple diff ships that is not new that is not exclusive to one fandom or one ship.#sometimes ppl in fandom r too invested and do stupid shit#god#I'm sorry I doomscrolled another Instagram reel comment section#it's just. I'm so tired of ppl talking about mha's fandom as if it's the worst thing of all time?#first of all no its not? fucking chill?#second of all. if the fandom is ruining the show for you then genuienly get off the internet#third. so sorry but half of the time when ppl say the mha fandom is awful they're either calling it cringe (fandom is always cringe get over#it it's ok) they're complaining about everything being gay (so you're a homophobe ok. literally what is wrong with making character queer#ON OUR OWN INTERPRETATIONS OF THE STORY. DUDE.#)#or theyre just.... picking up random shit thats been rumored to have happened or that's just an isolated thing that happens all the time in#every fandom (refer to my earlier points)#genuienly. if the fandom pisses you off that much. get off the internet . block the tags. like for your health.#it's so annoying to try and look at mha stuff or even TALK IRL#WITH PEOPLE WHO LIKE MHA#(i am not fucking with you this has happened)#and being told or reading that oh mha is fun but the fandom sucks :///#sorry you don't experience whimsy and are incapable of curating your own experience?#Jesus#(there's also the ppl who r like ugh mha is mid mha sucks in like comments of mha fan but like fuck these guys#you're entitled to your opinion I if you don't like mha that's fine I'm not going to throw eggs at you but like...#why do u feel the need 2 go into a comment section of stuff that is about mha to say that mha sucks actually and the author is bad and the#characters r badly written and blah blah blah. LEAVE ME ALONEEEE)#Anyway maybe one day I will finally leave Instagram but for now I can't bc fukcing. ppl r on there#mumblings//#rant
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Girl help, people are acting like GoT season 8 was uniquely awful again.
#genuinely I am so tired of people saying that nothing about this show was ever valuable or profound or insightful or meaningful#like it's not that people have problems with it. *I* have problems with it. it's that people seem to think that it has EVERY problem in#a way that no other shows have problems. and that NOTHING about it worked at ALL and that it was ALL stupid and we should#FEEL BAD for EVER LIKING IT#sorry I analyzed the fuck out of it and I still ultimately think it's good. actually.#like I'm sure people think I must be far too lenient in my evaluation of art and artistic media but I also. only tend to talk about the#things I like. y'all don't hear much about the shit I have a distaste for
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If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.
#• luna lavinchi speaking •#living with cptsd#cptsd vent#complex ptsd#diet culture trauma#monsters inside me#toxic health culture#ex vegitarian/vegan#emotional flashbacks#health documentaries#dark side of veganism#i should have never been forced to watch these as a child..my mind wasn't ready to understand the information nor tell what was real or not#-i cant try sushi or even think about fish without feeling physically sick and dizzy. i haven't had McDonald's since i was like 6ish years-#-old..i never wanted to share this information but i need to vent. I feel embarrassed and rude for not liking a food chain that most of the#-population does. Smelling or seeing McDonald's makes me wanna puke so bad because of everything those documentaries would say.#I will never be able to eat McDonald's in my life because of how sick and terrified i feel when thinking about the food even the drinks-#-scare the shit out of me. I'm so pissed that I'm triggered. All of the sudden i smell something in the house that smells like McDonald's-#-then the memories come flooding back and i feel like puking so back so i cant even eat dinner. i know this may seem stupid but i am-#-genuinly scared. Im tired of this shit and tired of feeling alone in this.#(anyway sorry. if you read my vent then i appreciate you)#tw food talk#tw diet culture#tw vent in tags#(dont even get me started on parasites cause thats a whole fucking trauma itself. damn it i hate it all. i hate it so much)#(also note: my therapist made me feel so validated weeks ago when i told her during my session that i was traumatized by monsters inside me-#-she literally knew the name of the show before i could even say its name. and she said she also cant watch it and that she saw it as an-#-adult who doesn't have ocd. so she told me she can't even imagine how terrified i was to watch it as a child who was developing ocd.-#-therapist W)
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went to bed later than i wanted. woke up way earlier than i expected (i didn't have a clock in my room tho so i just got up i didn't realize it was 7:30...)
also i had an unpleasant dream and when i tried to put my contacts in this morning they Burned Like Hell. i have no idea why that's never happened before?? i just put on my glasses instead but like. waste of a pair of contacts...what the hell
#i wanna talk about me#idk. my hands feel okay and i did wash them this morning before my usual morning routine#but maybe there's like still burn cream on them and it really hurt my eyes?#even though i don't really see how that would get on the contacts themselves or stay on my eyes much...#idk. it's not like a big deal to have to discard two (2) contacts i have more. but it is really annoying to throw away two unused ones#also my dream involved being in tech week for my stupid show again (ugh)#getting sick and developing an awful ugly rash#and multiple of my long passed previous cats being back Somehow. walker and murray i miss you so much :(#anyway. gd. it's already a weird day. i might try to go back to sleep a little on the comfy chair downstairs#i feel strange. idk. and i'm still tired.
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i think the reason why i'm doing the fairy's hope corner is simply because i saw this tweet the other day and i realized that i was not enjoying a lot of things and it's because i'm so focused on all the things happening around the world that i sometimes forgot to look after myself and that has happened so many times. i even had some of my followers here being like "please remember to take care of yourself" and i would be like yeah yeah but not even thinking too much about it and saving that for later and the "later" never came so when i saw this i was like yeah... something has to change because i haven't been looking after myself and i haven't found a balance between caring about serious things and also finding joy in things i do find joy and it's honestly very hard sometimes to do that especially with everything we find out about all the genocides happening around the world that is hard to just go out of your way to do something you like but truly i'm hoping that in here, i can be serious when i need to be serious about things (because i do get serious and i believe i'm genuine in what i do or say) but i also want to share hope and some sort of comfort (i don't know if that's the right word) by sharing some art or words that matter to us and also help us navigate things better and i feel like it is indeed important to keep a healthy balance of those things in order for us to keep going and pushing forward
#so yeah i just wanted to talk a bit about it bc it was definitely important to me#and a gear shifted in my brain#and it did make total sense#truly what makes me tired is people that constantly try to distract me from advocating and sharing things#like the stupid people that appear in my comments#that are zionists or just dumb and it's exhausting to see that#because i'm more than happy to show up but unfortunately this is part of this whole process#that i'm very new to and i'm learning how to do things better every single day#so this will definitely be an ongoing thing i will also try to share things of my own#i will start reading more books and focus on that#and then maybe i'll have something to share#but yeah that's all i wanna say#tris.txt
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I feel Bad
#am I getting sick?#I don't know I don't get sick often#I might just be tired and anxious but I'm tired and anxious a lot and it doesn't normally feel like this#and I have an audition 🫠 for the community theatre show this summer#which is Anastasia which is not a very good musical btw#I am wearing a dress and I do not like it#I just had my mom take a picture of me because I need a headshot and I#don't take pictures of myself#unless I look especially gay and that's not. what I need rn anyway#here's the thing about auditions#I will not get a main role#which is fine#so many talented women in my area wow#but I WILL be upset by this#even though I have been trying to talk myself down this whole time#and then I will get over it and have a great time this summer but like that short period of time is gonna suck real bad#also I was definitely singing better earlier in the week I cannot sing right now wtf#I feel miserable and unwell and ridiculous#and I am trying very hard not to make a mountain out of a mole hill because it's going to be FINE#I am trying not to catastrophize it's not working#I CAN'T cry it will ruin my voice#I did not practice enough I am going to forget the words#everyone is going to laugh at me in my stupid little black dress HATE#I don't even have pockets this sucks so bad#and I have preemptively chicked out of going to the pflag game night afterwards#AGAIN#cuz I just can't even though the proximity of the two events is why I chose this time slot#thought I was being fucking clever or something
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just remembered i was supposed to get the Grief Chapter vinyl preorder (the one with the signed card) alongside a hoodie as a christmas gift and while i understand it was a preorder so it wouldn't arrive immediately as it was meant to ship out after the album released... it literally never arrived.
so i can only assume that means it was never ordered for me in the first place after the person who was SUPPOSED to be ordering it had an argument with mom and said "i guess your kids won't have a fucking christmas then"
like wow just fuck me over because you hate my mom i guess. fucking bitch.
#ryan's rants#remind me to delete this later#it sucks too getting it with the card was a limited fucking offer!!!!!!#i'll literally never own anything signed by the fucking band because of this bitch!!!!#(<- too poor to just go to shows and like... have them sign a sheet of paper or anything)#also can you tell i'm a spoiled little bitch? it's 9pm and i'm literally abt to cry over a fucking stupid thing someone didn't buy for me??#like it's literally not that important. i'm about to lose my house. there's shit i need to actually worry about#like idk killing myself so i don't go through the nightmare that is homelessness for a second time#but nah let's be sad about a fucking vinyl record we don't even have a player for#and a fuckin stupid hoodie that was like 50 bucks on the site#can't believe we're gonna be fuckin homeless again#twice between like 2022 and this year#so like... only two years apart#and none of my fucking friends want to talk to me anymore. one of em keeps fuckin blowing me off for some discord server full of kids who#keep fucking harassing her and bullying her and shit#and i'm just so fuckin tired.#i really am.#i don't think i can keep going honestly.
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I spent quite literally one [1] hour with my father and now feel like absolute shit. Unironically how does he do this [i am impressed]
#AvieRant#now mind you i am writing this from “weh weh weh huff puff” attitude so it is probably biased like a motherfucker#but whatever i'll feel bad for it later#so before we even get anywhere [walgreens] I talk about how someone on the discord got a full ride to yale and he goes on his#“You think you don't have to do things if you don't want to...” speech yada yada yada shut up please you're the reason why#I couldn't apply to college because you fucking refused to help me get my immunization records until like august [too late]#anyways I show concern for him as he says his ankle has been hurting especially on the EXTRA LONG WALK he CHOSE to take#and he fucking. slaps my stomach and says “yeah well I ain't got a pussy so I ain't a bitch”#i. are you fucking kidding me . one - don't touch me . two - fuck you. three - don't fucking touch me#then we GET to walgreens and he makes sure to inform me how stupid I am for... looking at the price of things before buying them#and actively gives me a side eye or sucks his teeth when I suggest making decisions based off of cost [idgaf if you have cash be smart >:(]#anyways he also just basically decides shit for me. I asked for one [1] thing and he informed me that I simply don't need it#before promptly ignoring any even suggestions of me getting something I'd actually want other than what he soyjaks at#so anyways as we go to pay ? fucker demands I go wait outside while he pays . for no reason. just. fuck me ig okay#anyways we seem to FINALLY be getting my phone turned on on the way home!!!! like we're AT T-Mobile!#then he has to wait 5 minutes and decides we'll just do it tomorrow. like he's been saying for 11 months#then basically tells me to go home alone while I carry everything bc he wants to go somewhere#like . fuck you fuck off i am tired of your bullshit#ugh . i. like again. can't ocmplain. free food and housing and what not. but do you HAVE to be a dick whenever you can? >:/#whatever i'm gonna go cope somehow see y'all around
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first day back from my vacation and i'm already crying bc of my brother and mom
#i really wonder what it's like to have a supportive loving and understanding family#it started bc of such a stupid reason but it escalated so quickly into a huge fight with my mom bc she has to make everything about herself#i really can't tell her anything that worries or upsets me bc she will always make it about herself and belittle me#like even if i tell her smth as simple as i'm tired she'll be like you have no right to be tired i work so much more than you i'm the one..#who's tired.... like it's not a competition... why can't i talk to my mom about simple things like this!?#i don't want to go into detail about what happened today but basically my brother only shows up when he needs smth & that really upsets me#i told my mom about it & that ended in a fight with me crying & her mocking me saying are you depressed again?#that hurt me so much bc i was su*cidal a couple of years ago like i really looked into ways how to do that & she just says smth like this..#so carelessly as if it's joke#i know i'm such a burden to my family bc with my big age i still need so much help but at least i'm still alive...#at least that's what i thought before but maybe things really would be better if i wasn't here at all#it would lift a lot of burden off my family's shoulders.. they shouldn't always have to accommodate me bc of my mental health issues#my dad does the most for me but he never openly complains even though i know i'm a huge inconvenience to him#he sometimes does say things like what will you do when i die though which also hurts me a lot#but i think he maybe appreciates more that i'm still here after everything i've been through.. idk though#i thought i calmed down but i'm crying again.. i haven't thought about all this in so long#maybe if i was at least a little helpful to my family but they do way more for me than i do for them..#maybe i really am just a selfish ungrateful bitch....#☁️
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#anyway... I'll try to keep the depression to a minimum#I know that people get tired of it; I mean I've had friends literally tell me that they weren't going to talk with me anymore because of it#so... I don't know... I should do a better job of keeping it on a shorter leash to avoid driving people away#...I really need to find a way to totally switch into the persona I have when I'm in person#always focusing on how to move forward and saying that things are what they are but it's about trying to find the next step#probably seeming a bit stupid#if there's a smile on my face it's to hide the confusion... that sort of thing#and most importantly I don't let my emotions show when it's in person and my goodness if everyone online wouldn't benefit if I did like tha#no one needs to know what goes on in my head; it just makes everyone else more stressed out
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