#i'm not talking entirely out of my own ass
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I agree with this comment here so hard, I remember getting blasted for calling readers who don't comment "leeches" on R/Fanfiction and I'm glad people are seeing that for what it is even if it's four years late
So, I'm gonna share my own little story here because discord has actively ruined communities for fanfic (and art too I'm not gonna leave y'all out cause my bestie @zoetiger-1106 is an artist who deserves way more praise than she gets!!) The reason why authors and myself see the "I'm shy" shit as an excuse is because the same people will type long ass tirades on Discord without a single thought. YOU CAN EDIT AO3 COMMENTS PEOPLE! If you make a mistake, read it back over and edit it. I've watched it happen in real-time with one of my favorite commenters on my one-shot where they left a short gushing comment and then came back and wrote more, you have no excuse much less reason to go "Man fandom keeps telling me to not critique and I might make a mistake so I will say nothing and consume like the average TV and Streaming consumer who thinks there doing something!" YOU have a lot of power with comments and even those bookmark tags hell just copy-paste what you put into those bookmark tags as a comment I DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT USE THAT LIL BOX TO VOICE SOMETHING!!!! God this is all over the place idc but I read back at those bookmarks, and saw people call my works the best and super cool and I APPRECIATE THAT but tell me! Stop taking the easy route, I been blasted for misunderstandings over comments multiple times cause people take my "tone" terribly cause it sucks being black and emotive online yay and for some reason people think !!!! Is bad? yes, I've been hit with that but I keep on trucking cause fuck whatever some weirdo thinks about exclamation points! Anyways back to discord and why I hate it now, I was in a small fandom, KFP got invited to a discord cause ONE person commented on my works and saw they talked about my fic, and at first, I was happy and people TALKED about my chapters at length in the fanfic channel. I basically was the ONLY ONE posting consistently in that channel and it was great but also I wanted that on my fic to show I improved so guess what I did? I went all in trying to one-up myself to be noticed, to have the acclaim my peers did so it would evolve outside of discord channels but it never happened. And Imma tell y'all now; it never will. Readers prefer convenience over your hard work, they are not gonna take time for you no matter how much you improve. People told me over and over while I looked for solutions for this; "We can't make commenting look like an obligation." "Add more prose, space these paragraphs better" all this just for no one to take the initiative and say something SINCERE towards a work they love on it. I've had to tell my own ex-friends now to go leave comments on works they called Masterpieces while ignoring me. Despite the fact they wanted Gen content in which I WROTE. Or met people who have very weird "I don't review" rules for themselves despite getting motivated by reviews themselves!! We're in a shitty time for creatives much less community cause we don't see each other as humans much less want to treat each others as we desire to be treated. Fanfic readers want to treat authors like showrunners and I hate it. But then your peers will tell you 'not to worry about engagement" and no I am because why is my hit count going up every day but ain't no one saying shit? Make it make sense!! I sat in that community commenting as much as I could, especially on long fics; it wasn't all perfect but I TRIED. I didn't expect shit back but hey it would have been nice but it never happened and again I learned; it never would. That's the real issue, no one wants to give no more; just take and take and take til you're sucked dry of passion worse than any corpo out right now. It's why I thankfully switched fandoms. I got ONE consistent commenter and they are better than that ENTIRE SMALL CLOSED COMMUNITY!! So, to any discord reactor for fanfic you better skip on to that message you made and copy and paste it in this box right here and never utter "I'm shy" ever again cause we see you, our friends tell us about you. You are not as anonymous as you think! 🫵🏽
A writer friend told me something that broke my heart a little bit today; they're going to quit publishing their fanfic.
My instant thought was that they had been trolled or attacked or that something terrible had happened in their life because this person is so passionate about their writing. It wasn't any of that. Engagement with their works has been going down, as it has for many of us. Comments are like gold dust a lot of the time, and just looking through the historical comment counts on old fics on ao3 demonstrates this trend very clearly. It was not simply the comments dropping off which caused them to decide to stop posting, however.
My friend came across a discord server for their fandom (I should point out here that their fandom interest and mine diverged a couple of years ago, we stay in touch but don't currently read each other's posts because I'm not into their fandom and they would rather gouge their eyes out with a wooden spoon than read anything Star Wars) and specifically to share fic in that fandom. They joined, because we all love a good fic rec, only to discover that their latest multichapter fic, which has almost no comments and very few kudos, is being hotly discussed in this server as one of the best stories ever. Not one of these people has bothered to say this to them on the fic. When they asked, none of participants could see the point in telling the author of the fic they apparently loved so much that they love it.
This discovery has absolutely destroyed my friend's love of sharing fic. They share because they love seeing other people's enjoyment, and fic writers do that through comments and kudos/reblogs/likes because we don't get paid. There is no literary critic writing a blog post/article about how amazing the story is for us to copy and keep/frame. There is no money from royalties. All we have are the words of the people reading our works.
Those people on that server could have taken five minutes of the time they spent gushing about how amazing my friend's story was to other people and used it to tell the one person guaranteed to want to hear that praise how much they loved it. They could have taken a moment to express their opinion to the person who spent hours upon hours plotting, writing, editing, and posting those chapters. Instead, they deprived my friend of thing that keeps them sharing their writing, and in the process have killed their love of it. My friend now feels used and unmotivated.
I won't be sharing a link to their fic, they said I could share their experience but not their identity. I know they plan to post one final chapter. I know they intend to express their hurt at being excluded from the praise for the thing they created, and I know they intend to announce that as a consequence they will not be posting for a long while, if at all.
So please, I beg you, don't hide your love of a story from the writer. It's just about the only thing we have.
#fanfiction#fanfic#god I hate talking about that ol fandom shit#i sound like a vet whose seen some shit#but im sick of other writers and readers downplaying how we feel#taylor talks
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mouthwashing spoilers, mentions of fictional sexual assault, discussion of fictional neglect and abuse of a disabled person, the many nuances of the patriarchy and capitalism
Let's have a chat about how Swansea and Daisuke failed Anya as crewmates!
Thank you everyone for your very lovely and thoughtful responses to my previous Mouthwashing meta pieces, here and here.
Let's have some more thoughts! Again, I'm examining the text from the perspective of a sexual assault survivor, a survivor of a life threatening accident, a domestic violence survivor and a person who grew up in poverty.
I love this game for giving me enough meat to sink my teeth into, for fodder for thought.
I've written about how supremely vulnerable Curly is, post-crash, the real true horror of being reliant for every aspect of your survival on an abusive person.
I'd like to look at another aspect now, the fatigue and isolation of the carer under a profit driven patriarchy!
Being a carer for someone who is entirely reliant on you is tough, is stressful and supremely isolating. The best and most dedicated carers in the world get burnt out, and not because they are bad people who don't truly want the best for the person in their charge.
You see it happen. Their friends and family disengage with them, not wanting to be asked to help, not wanting to confront the difficulty and reality of disability. They'll start to ask why the carer doesn't give their charge up into permanent care, they'll make snide comments about how much easier it would be if they weren't a carer....and if a carer cannot provide for their charge, and does get professional support or their person does go into care, they get met with judgement for 'not trying hard enough' or bewilderment that they might be upset.
The disabled are seen as a burden, and when anyone tries to challenge that, the system is set up both at a macro and micro level to fundamentally quash that challenge.
And at home carers? Over proportionally, they are women.
So look at what happens to Anya. Anya is a medical professional, yes. But there are many tasks that could be done in Curly's care that don't require specialised skills. Swansea or Daisuke could have stepped in at any minute and offered her help.
Instead, she asks Jimmy, the man who abused her, who is abusing Curly to help, because as awful as it is, he's literally the only other person interacting with Curly.
He's the only person who talks to Curly post crash. Anya doesn't say a word to him, only talks about him.
Anya is not a cruel person. She's not revenge driven or malicious. She actively does not want to hurt Curly, his pain is extremely distressing to her, and she is put in the position where she has to cause it, either by her own hands or Jimmy's by proxy, because she has no other help.
Swansea is very dismissive of Anya. He refers to her as our so-called nurse, that woman, and that rickety elbow of a woman. Swansea also shit talks Daisuke, and we know he has affection for Daisuke, but actions, or inaction speak louder than words.
This is a game where taking responsibility is a core theme, and Anya is forced to take sole responsibility, where she could have been supported and helped, if Swansea or Daisuke could have stepped up as her crewmates.
Daisuke is a grown ass man. Is he a young man? Yes. Is he a full grown adult capable of making his own decisions and responsible for his own actions? Yes.
So his choice, to actively ignore Curly and Anya, is just another decision.
The way this mirrors the way society isolates carers is such a good piece of storytelling to me. The way it causes Anya so much stress, the way it causes the quality of care she provides to Curly to degrade because she is the only person helping...it's a mirror of real life.
Is it because Anya is the nurse? Sure. Is it because she's the only woman? Maybe. Is it because both Daisuke and Swansea are mired in different versions of toxic masculinity? Absolutely.
Daisuke's indifference and pleasant disengagement, while being tolerated by everyone, handwaving away criticism is the prerogative of a rich young person, especially a rich young man. It'll all be alright! and no one expects anything of him. It's not the same thing, but there's that tinge of learned helplessness in there.
Swansea's unpleasant, grinding negativity, his self focus, the way everything is a burden to him...if you haven't had to work with a man like this, you're doing well in life. You never ever want to ask them anything because it's like being rubbed by angry sandpaper.
If i seem like I'm being very harsh against Daisuke and Swansea, I am. I am purposefully pointing out their worse qualities, not just as people but as crew.
There is no unity within the crew, and the company prefers it that way. No one unionises after all, if they can't stand or trust one another. They force Curly, a chronic people pleaser to hold himself above them, which spirals his anxiety, which leads into him failing as a captain in a myriad of ways.
Daisuke is introduced too late and underprepared. The crew is automatically going to be against him, frustrated with him, and he has no incentive to work against that, apart from his own easy going nature.
Anya is under immense self pressure. She's failed to get into medical school 8 times. She's got no savings. And then she is in close quarters with her abuser, and the only person she tells about it believes her AND THEN does nothing, and seemingly then crashes the ship.
Swansea has that inbuilt, boiling pressure of a life lived like he feels he's supposed to. But he's supremely unhappy, lashes out at everyone. And not in the way that Jimmy does, but in this unpleasant background radiation way, where everyone is already under so much stress.
Jimmy was barely keeping himself together under Curly's command. Without it, he's a whirlwind of aggression, negativity, threats and delivered acts of violence. There was no unity with him, previously, and there certainly isn't any now.
Everyone is responsible for their own actions, and inaction. But the company set them up to fail before they set off, and then the social desertion of Anya dooms the crew.
Anya doesn't need to be rescued, no one needs to get revenge for her. What Anya needs is support, in the actual physical sense.
Swansea could talk to Curly, to distract him. Daisuke could be there to talk her through giving Curly his meds, keeping her panic at bay.
Literally the least they could do, it could have changed everything. If Jimmy was denied access to Curly, if there was a sense of solidarity between the crew, something, anything. If there was any trust at all.
But instead Daisuke gives into apathy, Swansea into secrecy, Anya into despair and Jimmy into a frothing frenzied need for control.
There is no win solution for the Tulpar crew. This is a hopeless crisis.
But if there had been a sense of community, of reciprocity, they'd have options. But it becomes the loudest voice in the room, Jimmy's voice, and just like that, the options disappear.
Being a carer takes community support. It's how carers are kept accountable too, because a disabled person who needs that level of care exists at the whim of the carer. A carer has to be supported to be supportive. Anya receives nothing.
#mouthwashing#swansea mouthwashing#anya mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing spoilers
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Just wanted to let you know I love your Italian keeps us dancing au! So much it’s such a cool and cute concept!❤️ is there anything bout this au that you would love to share with us? Eg: how did 12!Mikey kick rise splints into being a better dad or will 12!Mikey ever get reunited with his bros etc etc
First of all, THANK YOU for liking this au, I'm honestly SHOCKED that so many people like it already! These silly goofballs mean SO MUCH TO ME so it makes me really happy to hear your kind words! SECOND, THERE IS SO MUCH I WANT TO SHARE WITH PEOPLE!!! IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD BE WRITING WHOLE NOVELS WORTH OF CONTENT! Alas! I will satisfy the need by answering the questions you've asked!
I say this with my whole entire heart that I REALLY DO LIKE RISE SPLINTER! LETS MAKE THAT VERY CLEAR! But this poor man was going through SO MUCH and that was BEFORE he even got mutated. There was so much grief towards his own life that I am NOT surprised by the kind of father he became towards these super intelligent, hyperactive little kiddos who needed so much of his time and energy and attention and care. There was SO MUCH standing in the way of him being a good parent, and I'm not using this as an excuse, but I understand why his depression was just too powerful and loud sometimes, and unfortunately, his babies being so young, couldn't/didn't know how to compete against it.
But then here comes 2k12 Mikey, 16 and freshly traumatized after having been ripped away from his own family and tossed into some strange dimension he has no business in, but who's also incredibly capable and clever and cheerful and kind! Who swept into his life and carved out a place for himself and who loved his boys from day one like a force of nature that never really quite got the hang of being told 'no' before.
He out-stubborned Splinter at every turn, because Splinter needed someone to affectionately kick his ass a little, and helped him not be so alone after his entire reality as he knew it shattered. There were STILL bad days, because grief and depression don't just go away, and 2K12 Mikey was still pretty much primary caretaker, but he helped just by BEING there. By making sure Splinter got up every once and awhile, and showered, and ate, and helped with bathtime and read stories for the boys so 2k12 Mikey could run errands really fast. And it helped to have someone competent and catty and nice to talk to, and it forced Splinter to reevaluate some things, because this is a 16-year-old, freshly orphaned kid who is HELPING HIM take care of his own kids, and it forces Splinter to carve his way out of his own mental fog and be PRESENT because DAMN, he can't let this kid take care of HIM TOO ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE.
#rottmnt#it keeps us dancing au#IKUD AU#ask#i have SO MANY FEELINGS ON SPLINTER AND 2K12 MIKEY LEARNING HOW TO WORK TOGETHER#WHILE ALSO DEALING WITH THEIR OWN BAGGAGE#AND LEARNING TO LEAN ON EACH OTHER A BIT TO RAISE THESE BOYS#WHO THEY *BOTH* LOVE SO IMMENSLY
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Ranma 1/2 01x08 - Darling Charlotte
Charlotte? Wait... Hang on... Isn't that... Is she supposed to be here this early?
Oh, no, it's THIS girl. My mistake.
Okay. Yeah. I completely forgot she even existed. My memory was conflating her with the... with that one.... You know who I'm talking about....
...
*google google*
Akari. I was thinking of Akari. For some reason I thought Akari was the "CHARLOTTE!!!" girl, and I remember Akari is like endgame late introduction. But she's not the Charlotte girl.
Apparently these guys are named Shingo and Kiichi according to their photos.
The stuff in brackets isn't anything interesting. It's just quoting the dialogue they deliver here.
The two Ranma photos are Saotome Ranma, but an interesting note is that the pair have different names. They're both Ranma, yes. Both of them are 早乙女 Saotome. Which, fun fact, means "young maiden responsible for planting rice". Have fun with that, Transfem Ranma headcanon team.
But the girl Ranma is named らんま Ranma in Hiragana while the boy Ranma is named 乱馬 Ranma in Kanji. Ranma's name, incidentally, means "chaos".
When P-chan hears Akane call out to him, the kanji in his eyes flip from 気絶 kizetsu meaning "faint" to 起床 kisho which means "getting out of bed".
Wait, that's who the Charlotte girl is? I remember this guy. This is the ice skater bro who Ranma and Akane have to do a doubles match against, with him and some girl.
I completely forgot that the Charlotte girl was that girl. ...and thought she was Akari instead. Wow, my memory of this series leaves a lot to be desired.
"...they're what now?" ~Junko Enoshima, intrigued.
Look at that happy smile. Azusa really wants to bean him with that table. This is her second time reaching for it.
FACT CHECK. Let's check out the replay. Aaaaaaaaand:
Oh yeah. Without a doubt. Ignore Akane's squealing gal pals and the romantic flowers in the background and just look at that face. Akane is half a second from splitting him crotch to throat with a fucking ice skate.
Ranma's challenge fish cake saved Mikado's life.
You know what's fucking hilarious about this?
1 - It would actually make more sense for Ryoga to be Akane's partner than Ranma. Like Akane, Ryoga is very invested in Akane winning the contest and getting to keep P-chan. He doesn't want P-chan going with Azusa any more than Akane does, while Ranma's kinda rooting for the enemy team.
2 - However, despite having a compelling reason for replacing Ranma in this contest, Ryoga can't actually present that argument. The only reason to let him replace Ranma is because he is P-chan. Without that context, this is a wild-ass out-of-left-field demand for him to suddenly burst out of their bathroom and issue.
3 - But if he did explain that context to Akane... he still wouldn't get to replace Ranma, because the entire purpose of even competing in this match would be instantly voided. P-chan wouldn't be welcome in her room anymore.
So he's just. Fucked. He's just fucked. His tangled web of deceptions has left him powerless to participate in something that really matters to him.
Try not to live your life like Ryoga.
So begins the era of Ranma weaponizing his curse in order to escape the pressures of his own interpretation of masculinity. He turned himself into a girl because men shouldn't be bad at ice skating. I like that Akane's a little bit offended when she finds out why he switched.
Akane: I'm not impressed! I can do that too!
The 100-man spar is a cool demonstration of how talented these two are at ice skating as a martial art. But also, this is just a typical weekday morning for Akane.
In fact, Akane's actually more impressive because this is choreographed as shit. These guys are wearing jerseys with the number of their engagement on them. They attack in sequence so Mikado and Azusa can take down 01 then 02 then 03 then 04 and on and on until they hit 100.
This is a performance, not a brawl. Most generously, it's a training exercise to help them work on specific maneuvers. A very complex and multi-person version of practicing your kata. But it's not a real fight, where Akane's version always is.
YOU PICK THAT UP RIGHT THE FUCK NOW
I mean, the collar is actually adorable and I'm kinda with Azusa on that. It's way better than P-chan's shitty neck-rag that probably smells like three months of unwashed wandering.
BUT THAT THING IS MADE OF STABBING AND THERE'S LIKE A DOZEN OF THEM FOLDED INTO ONE
DO NOT LEAVE THAT LYING ON THE RINK FOR ANYONE TO FALL ON.
The way Ranma reacts to Mikado's advances is... honestly fascinating.
We saw Akane earlier. She was a moment away from breaking this sex pest in half. We talk a lot about Flight or Fight response, and Akane has a well-honed Fight response to sexual harassment. It's. Kind of. Been a thing for her for a very long time, both the harassment and the Fight response.
But an oft-overlooked response is the Freeze response. Both times, when Mikado moves in on Ranma, his response is to Freeze. Freeze is an involuntary stress reaction that temporarily suspends both Fight and Flight.
Once the deed is done and Ranma's able to form conscious thoughts again, then we see Flight.
Until he can reassert his masculinity, and only then does he react with Fight.
Which is itself very interesting. Not just for how it speaks to Ranma's internalization of gender norms; That he reacts with Flight when female and Fight when male. But there's more than just that going on here.
Ranma doesn't just flee from the rink. He flees to the public bathhouse and throws himself into the hot bath. He's not fleeing Mikado. He's not fleeing Akane or the situation.
Being violated in this way makes Ranma flee from femininity. His immediate kneejerk reaction when his brain retains the ability to make conscious decisions is, very emotionally and very powerfully, that he desperately wants to stop being a girl now.
A tragic choice that many women don't get to make.
Not only was Akane the only person on the rink that was able to keep up with the action here - with possible exception of Mikado but explicitly not Azusa - but she was even able to count how many hits Ranma landed.
This fight establishes that Akane and Ranma are actually more formidable than Azusa and Mikado. Like, if this were a street fight, they'd trash these suckers, no problem. Pound for pound, they're tougher.
It's only because they have to compete in Azusa and Mikado's arena that this is going to be difficult. Azusa and Mikado have the home field advantage, in a contest where mobility is intensely challenging and must be mastered and controlled in addition to the fighting.
He says while wearing the fucking collar. XD
This family needs a TV. XD
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you know what's timebomb coded? the entire home video album by lucy dacus released in 2021. (s2 act 3 spoilers ahead)
"you used to be so sweet, now you're a firecracker on a crowded street" -> from powder being a major sweetheart to jinx being (lovingly and not so lovingly) a pain in the ass that annoys everyone (and also literally carrying explosives around) | "led me to the floor even though i'm not a dancer" -> literally them dancing in ep7 | "how did i believe i had a hold on you? you were always stronger than people suspected, underestimated and overprotected" -> GUYS THIS IS LITERALLY EKKO TALKING ABOUT POWDER ISTG !!! "a hidden gem, my own goldmine, you had the wide and wild eyes" -> jinx eyes changing color and all "NOW YOU'RE THE BIGGEST BRIGHTEST FLAME, YOU ARE A FIRE THAT CAN'T BE TAMED, YOU'RE BETTER THAN EVER, BUT I KNEW YOU WHEN IT'S BITTERSWEET TO SEE YOU AGAIN" -> GUYS IS THIS NOT EXACTLY EKKO'S FEELINGS ABOUT JINX COME ON GUYS
the entire "first time" is peak "can we pretend like it's the first time?" | "YOU CAN'T FEEL IT FOR THE FIRST TIME A SECOND TIME" , "and how will i know if history repeats itself? how will I know when it's gonna come back around? how will i know? has my face changed, baby? how will I know?" this ekko after breaking free from the perfect dimension guys ,,, guys..
cartwheel guys. cartwheel. "FIREFLY juice on your skin / you're glowing like an ATOM BOMB" it's them it's them it's so them | "this natural thing that you've undone / outgrew older sister's clothes again / won't admit you're growing tall and thin" ekko watching her turn from powder to jinx from afar,,, | "i thought back to many years ago: a late-night promise on the telephone, we'd build a house of twigs and vines, grow old together just to pass the time // now there's only past and present day, i can't believe a word you say" EKKO WATCHING HER TURN EVIL FROM AFAR GUYS !!! WHILE STILL KEEPING FEELINGS !!!
thumbs it's ekko thinking about what silco has done to her. "i would kill him if you let me, i would kill him quick and easy, your nails are digging into my knee, i don't know how you keep smiling" / "you've been in his fist ever since you were a kid, but you don't owe him shit even if he said you did"
please stay. please stay is literally canon because he literally had to stop her from killing herself a good 5 times. "change your name, change your mind, change your ways, give them time [...] call me if you need a friend or never talk to me again, but please stay" like pleaseeee
and triple dog dare,,, "you're dancing in the aisle 'cause the radio Is singing you a song you know and the kid at the counter is gawking at your grace / i can tell what he's thinking by the look on his face, it's not his fault, I'm sure i look the same / it's what you do, but it's not you i blame" EP 7 TIMEBOMB GUYS | "you know i'll be seeking if you run and hide, if the door were to open, would you walk through the frame? if you're too afraid, it won't be you i blame" that's ekko trying to save her at some point | "i want you to tell me that you miss me, want you to hold and hurt and kiss me [...] it's a triple dog dare, you're a chicken if you don't" -> no explanation needed. | "i can fish for our food and you know how to start a flame, if you don't get out now, you'll only have yourself to blame" this is what he sounded like when he tried to save her from silco (bc i know he tried guys) "You said 'you have me there, if it's a triple dog dare'" bc tell me she is not the kind of person to do anything if it's a challenge. | "they put our faces on the milk jugs, missing children 'til they gave up [...] can't find the feeling of relief, nothing worse could happen now" -> ekko literally putting her face on the missing/dead poster, ekko disappearing in s2, jinx fleeing (she did not die guys trust me),,,
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Part 32
Masterlist
Series Masterlist
Part 31 🟣 Part 33
A reverse harem vampire AU ft. Mikey, Marshall, August, Sherlock, Charles, Melot and Napoleon
Series summary: Somehow, you've managed to live with your boyfriend and his roommates for months before finding out they're vampires, but the real shock first comes when they find out you have a special quality. A quality the guys would love to make use of...
Warnings: ongoing vampire shenanigans, Melot's ongoing identity crisis, purple (or at the very least lavender) prose, angst, mentions of: child marriage, cheating, (internalized) homophobia, religious trauma, abuse, SA. Mentions of grey sweatpants, inappropriate anger at the inventor of jeans, Awkward Virgin trope, blood, biting, bruising, praise kink, the untimely demise of a shirt, awkward groping, (awkward everything), handjob, blowjob, premature-ish ejaculation, wasting water by taking a shower that later proves to have been absolutely fucking useless, Frotting/rubbing/dry humping (not sure what to call this, tbh. A butt-job?), rimming (eating ass, analingus, pick your fave), light D/s dynamic, light brat behavior, hair pulling, more praise (possibly slight feminisation? Depending on how youd define that?), masturbation, deepthroating, throatfucking, oral creampie, cumswapping/cumkissing, elements of subspace + subdrop, aftercare.
Word count: 14.004 (Yes. 14k. You read that correctly.)
A/N: Well, well, well, what here we have? It started with this sweet ask from @geralts-yenn, and... what can I say? Things got out of hand? (Understatement.)
It quickly became clear to me that there was a lot more to unpack than I had originally counted on, and then the boys turned out to be... well, dirty little whores. So...
I considered making this a bonus-chapter because this is written from Melot's POV, but since it slots into the timeline, I decided against that. I will, however be changing the tense and POV (from past tense to present, and from 2nd person to 1st person POV) from here on out, because over time I've simply come to prefer writing that way. I'll also be writing more chapters from the boys' perspectives—I'm working on one from Leon's POV that isn't too far off in the future (storyline-wise... actual real-life time-wise, one can never know.)
Also: I'm literally begging everyone to come into my comments (or DMs, or asks) to talk about these boys because... Well, I just love them so much. I already did, but it's literally so much worse now, lol.
@geralts-yenn @deandoesthingstome @ellethespaceunicorn @summersong69 @mis-lil-red
@sillyrabbit81 @livisss @itsrubberbisquit @ktficworld @proud-aroace-beastie
@plaidcat4815 @wa-ni @lovemusicpart2 @lizzystuffsthings @manysecrets2020
@sarcasmoverlordxo @mysweetlittledesire
I’m afraid to open my eyes, knowing that if I do, I’ll be staring right back into the reflection of my own soul.
There’s no hiding from him—not that I want to. At least, I think I don’t.
I sit still, counting the seconds as they tick away on the clock in the living room. I’m the only one who can hear it from anywhere in the house—anywhere on the property, even. If I try hard enough, that is.
The sound has been my anchor for centuries. Sometimes, it feels more familiar to me than the beating of my own heart. Unsurprisingly, I might add. How could it not be, when everything about me exists for the sole purpose of looking outward.
Oftentimes, my visions have prevented me from gaining a more intimate knowledge of myself, and they continue to do so to this day. It’s been this way throughout my entire existence.
Fourteen hundred years. Fourteen centuries.
My senses are honed to perfection. Beyond it, even—although many would argue the impossibility of the proposition, but it’s exactly what a millennium and a half will do to you.
I know that better than anyone. How could anyone know better? For all we know, I might very well be the oldest vampire on the planet.
The scoff I attempt to choke back finds its way to freedom as a nigh imperceptible faltering in my otherwise steady breathing.
“Penny for your thoughts?” he whispers softly. I feel his fingertips creep closer to mine before they actually do, yet I am startled by the sensation of him touching me.
I resist the urge to pull my hand back, just as I’ve been resisting the urge to flee the room and never return. A part of me, I am most unwilling to admit, even wants to attack.
He wouldn’t stand a chance.
He’d be dead before he even realized I’d moved.
Oh, to become something you’ve been taught to fear—and to think this is hardly my first battle of the sort. I’d give up the hope that they ever get easier, if I hadn’t known for a fact they don’t for the longest time.
‘You like boys.’
These words have haunted my dreams for the past two days. Left me alone for nary a second since the moment they fell freely and innocently from Mike’s beautiful lips.
Spoken with no ill intent, they wrapped themselves around every inch of every branch of my consciousness, constricting it more and more with every last breath I took, their truth so immediately undeniable that I was forced to admit to it.
And that means there is no way back for me now.
When Mike told me that I’d have time for an identity crisis later, I don’t think he realized just how right he was, and I can’t blame him for his ignorance. I don’t doubt for a second that it was completely unintentional.
As much as he hates it when we say it, he is just a baby, born into a fairly secular household in the sixties, but more importantly; involved in all kinds of generally more accepting subcultures from a relatively young age…
He’s had his struggles, of course. But as strange as it is to say, because one has to admit they were significant, they are irrelevant at this current time.
On the other side, we have… well, me.
Forced into a political marriage at fourteen in early medieval Cornwall, to a girl even younger than I was, our wedding night consisting of nothing but a tear-filled pact made between two terrified children under the cover of darkness, to forego the consummation of our marriage.
Instilled in me, a fierce loyalty and the staunch belief that a man lay with no one but his own wife, and a wife with no other person than her husband, I devoted myself to her as best I could, given our circumstances.
That there was no love between us mattered not, for we had been united before God.
Not unlike today, however, inappropriately crude and explicit conversations with my peers had made me far more knowledgeable on the subject of reproduction than I otherwise would have been, given my lacking experience.
For years, I slept by her side, riddled with guilt over our failure to fulfil our marital duties toward one another, praying every waking minute for the ability to be a better husband.
I shed my tears over her betrayal in private as I prepared to welcome a child into my life—a child I knew couldn’t possibly be mine.
Every day of my life, I am grateful for the existence of specialized historical trauma psychologists: They were of indescribable and immeasurable value when I was struggling to unite the unpleasant aspects of my upbringing and ‘early’ non-human life—the first thousand years, give or take—with the modern world I somehow found myself in rather more suddenly than I had ever expected.
The past certainly has a way of sneaking up on you, but I wouldn’t dream of underestimating the present in that particular respect.
Alas, as helpful as my therapists have been, their efforts feel wasted in this moment, because Mike dragged me onto a new road of self-discovery that appears to contain several unexpected challenges.
Challenges I am afraid of.
Challenges I am ashamed of.
As mentioned before: for the second time in my fourteen hundred years, I have become something I was taught to fear, and despite my convictions that I had overcome my prejudices, that I had moved past this darkness of fear and hatred, it seems to be the case that nothing could be further from the truth.
A shocking revelation. Truly.
I find no solace in the fact that I was never taught to hate, though it is true. One is almost never directly taught to hate, for the simple reason that it is far easier to teach fear than hatred.
But fear breeds hatred.
I learned to fear the sin, which led me to hate the sinner, and there is no excuse for that.
This, I have always known.
Over time—more time than I care to admit—my hatred disappeared, and I took pride in that, for I had shown growth, and an ability to learn and adapt.
I had evolved.
How upsetting it is, then, to be forced to come to the realization that somewhere along the line, I seem to have come to the conclusion that to cease fearing for others��� condemnation would suffice in terms of accepting them.
In other words: If they want to go to hell, let them!
And now that it’s me, I find that I suffer still from that very same fear of a god I have long since stopped believing in.
The line between truly knowing that something isn’t sinful, and simply not caring when others sin, is remarkably thin.
And I am standing right on top of it.
“It wouldn’t help,” Mike whispers, just as my desire to ask him what I want surges, threatening to wash me away.
Two lonely tears escape my still closed eyes, allowing me to focus on their path down my cheeks as they fight the resistance my skin provides.
I thank them silently.
“Why not?” There is no point in trying to keep the defeat from shining through in my voice.
“Because you want it all,” he replies. I expect to hear pity in his voice, and its absence surprises me nearly as much as his answer. No matter how much I want to ask him, my voice refuses to lend me its cooperation.
Not that it matters. After all, Mike knows.
“There is no ‘one desire’, Melot,” he continues, making me shiver as he drags a single finger down the back of my hand. “In the past thirty seconds alone, you’ve cycled through ‘fight, flight, freeze’ more times than I can count. You want to jump me—either to kiss me or kill me. You want to run, hide, talk, think, cry, scream, punch something—not me, please. You want answers, and to desperately not need answers because you want there to not be a question that needs answering to begin with.”
“I never wanted to kill you,” I mumble, the characteristic heat of embarrassment creeping up to my cheeks in a staggering tempo.
Mike chuckles. I’m not proud of what the sound does to me, but good Lord it feels amazing. “That’s the thing, Melmel,” he muses quietly, “the fact that I felt it, means it was a genuine desire. Granted, it didn’t last long, but it was there. And I get it.”
“I was never going—” More tears tread in their predecessors’ footsteps, their heat blending in nicely with the scorching glow of embarrassment that plagues my skin.
“I know,” he reassures me. “You have a whole rational brain I don’t have access to—that’s Marshall’s territory, not mine. My point is: you can’t ‘sorta’ want something. Okay, you can, in the sense that there’s a scale to how much you want something—a range from ‘want’ to ‘need’—but there’s no such thing as a half-desire. A desire is a desire.”
I wince at the implication of his words as guilt washes over me like a tidal wave, while Mike continues: “Your tiny little—but genuine—want to brutally murder me was immediately overshadowed by a very strong need for me to be… not dead.”
“Was there anything useful in the entire list?” I’m surprised by my ability to squeeze out an entire sentence, if I’m being honest.
Mike chuckles again, and my whole body feels like it’s made of carbonated liquid. “The desire to call your therapist is probably a good one,”—he pauses for a moment, letting out a cheeky chuckle—“and I would selfishly vote in favor of any of the many more eh… carnal ones.”
I scoff. He speaks in jest, at least partially, and I refuse to dignify his nonsense with a response, so I move on. “Which is the most, eh… potent?”
“That’s a great way to phrase it, yeah,” Mike confirms. “And it’s definitely your overwhelming—and permanent, by the way—desire to be held by someone.”
I finally open my eyes, staring at Mike wide-eyed in nothing short of pure horror. How disappointing that the floor doesn’t melt away from under me right this second to spare me the mortification…
“Get your priorities straight, Melmel,” Mike admonishes me, a sweet smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “You should be way more embarrassed about wanting to kill me than wanting to snuggle up to someone.” He scooches closer to me, quickly adjusting the mountain of pillows as he moves, and puts an arm around my shoulders. “Especially since we share that particular need.”
We sit in silence for a while, Mikey’s head on my shoulder, his arm around me. It triggers my visions, which isn’t at all surprising. In them, I feel none of the shame and guilt I do now—or did, moments ago—which is very reassuring, but as much as I would like to luxuriate in that feeling after my meltdown, Mikey’s much stronger reaction forces me to let them pass, acknowledged but without much further investigation.
He struggles to keep his fingers still, and I am facing similar difficulties in strangling whatever sound I feel I can’t afford to make freely.
“What do you need from me?” I practically have to force the words out of my mouth. “In this… courtship?”
Mike laughs. “As far as definitions go, that’s fair, but do you know a twenty-first-century word?”
“To describe you?” I elbow him in the ribs and roll my eyes. “I know several, and I doubt you’d be happy with any of them.”
“Jerk,” he huffs.
“That was one of them, yes.” I struggle not to laugh when Mike pouts and nudges me, failing miserably, and before I know it, I’m on my back with him hovering over me. My gaze is pulled towards his lips through no fault of my own. In my fourteen hundred years, I have never known anyone who scowls as adorably as Mikey does, and every corner of my thoughts occupied by the sight of his bottom lip sticking out slightly.
Completely involuntarily, my eyes follow the contours of that lip, and my mind gravitates towards images of us. Together.
I—
I bite back the moan that threatens to escape, and fight to regain control of my teeth. “We should talk first,” I manage, my words punctuated by labored breaths.
Mike nods, dropping onto his side next to me and propping himself up on one elbow. “It’s really simple,” he says plainly. Clearly, the past thirty seconds have been less taxing on his self-restraint than they were on mine… “We can take this as slowly as you need, obviously. But I need you to know the difference between what you’re ready for now, and what you know you’ll be ready for in the future.”
I nod. That’s the easy part of the equation.
Unfortunately, Mike may be a clown at times, but he wasn’t born yesterday. “And I need you to stick with the now-boundaries.”
I nod again, much less sure of myself this time, but I promise him to give it my very best effort.
“Of course, I’ll help. If necessary,” he continues. “But I refuse to rely on my gift to guard your limits. I need to know you feel comfortable, and safe, and confident enough to communicate your needs, okay?”
His concern for my safety and wellbeing is almost enough to bring me to tears all over again. If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that time does, in fact, not heal all wounds, and although I have come a long way, I cannot deny the lasting—possibly permanent—damage inflicted upon me by the coldest, darkest days of my past.
The times without love.
The times when I had no one but myself to care about me.
I sob my agreement to his terms, rather than say it. The sound of my breaking voice draws his brows together in a pitiful frown.
He bites his lower lip as he contemplates his next words, and I struggle to keep my head clear as his lips once again draw my attention away from the conversation, while the sorrow in his expression has me teetering on the edge of panic.
His expression hardens as he breathes in deeply before looking at me very directly. His eyes are cold, and my heart rate quickens at the sight.
“And,” he says softly but with unmistakable determination, “I’m not doing this behind closed doors.” He looks down, fidgeting with the duvet covers as he continues: “I’m not saying you have to come out to the entire world tomorrow—or explicitly to anyone at all, unless you want to, of course—”
“I wouldn’t even know what to come out as,” I admit almost reluctantly. At this point, I haven’t even begun to think about labels and definitions and whatnot.
“I mean… If we’re going to be dating, then one label that definitely applies is ‘the guy who’s dating Mikey’,” he says matter-of-factly. I have to admit he has a point. “I’m kinda big on PDA—I promise I won’t suck your face off in public, but hugs, or a kiss here and there… Like, I’m not going to let some guy who can’t even hold my hand at the movies, dick me down when we get home.”
He laughs at my expression, and I can’t blame him. I, myself, imagine it to be quite the sight; wide-eyed, mouth opening and closing like a fish on dry land while my entire vocabulary seems to have vacated the premises…
“I’m sorry,” he snickers, “I didn’t mean to scare you. My point is: If you can’t love me in public, you don’t get to love me in private, that’s all.”
“Mikey…” I hesitate, attempting at the same time to swallow away the lump in my throat. It doesn’t work. “I promise—swear, even—that I will try, but I might need some time.”
“Progress, not perfection, Melmel,” Mike says as he leans forward to rest his forehead against mine for a moment. “I just want you to make an effort, okay?”
I nod furiously. Of course, I never truly expected him to toss me aside because I can’t adjust to all of this in a matter of days, but it’s a relief, nonetheless.
Now that my fears have been taken away, more visions come to me. The doom scenarios are entirely of my own making—I learned to tell the difference several centuries ago, but I can’t say that that knowledge has been in any way facilitative to my ability to disregard them.
However, I cannot deny that it is comforting that the majority of them are overwhelmingly positive, setting my body alight with a warm, soothing glow.
It makes me calm.
Happy.
It also makes me…
“For someone who’s struggling to come to terms with all of this,”—Mike’s voice is strained, the sound of it more of a moan than regular speech—“you are incredibly horny.”
My lips tremble as his hand cups the side of my face, his thumb gently trailing over my cheekbone.
I have to swallow before I can even speak. “I’m coming off a fourteen-hundred-year dry spell, Mikey.”
Mike’s eyes go wide with shock, perhaps even terror. “Fourt— w-what?” He looks adorable, his mouth slightly open, brows drawn together in disbelief. “Two days ago… That wasn’t your first kiss, right?”
I chuckle, but not from the heart. “It was certainly the first one I was a willing participant in,” I admit bitterly. The realization bites, digging its filthy, razor-sharp claws deep into my soul. “Not that the collection of instances of the other sort is by any means impressive.”
“Every last one of those is one too many, Melot,” Mike sighs.
I can’t stand to see the pity in his eyes, so I close mine again, focusing on his scent instead.
Every member of my coven—past or present—has an odor so unique to their person that I would happily wager that I’d be able to identify them from a mile away.
With everyone else, smell certainly serves as quite the handy tool when it comes to ascertaining their intentions—hostility, for instance, reveals itself quite readily by means of a distinct and exceptionally foul sour note—or their species—vampires in this day and age always smell faintly of blood and garlic, and however cliché one might deem it, werewolves reek perpetually of wet dog.
And then there’s my own family, blood and garlic aside.
I may have known Sherlock the longest, but I know Charles the best, which is why I can say with absolute confidence that I’d recognize the dark, brooding combination of leather and smoke in my sleep. It’s luxurious and alluring, its complex sophistication undeniable, but at the same time, it’s cold, distant and uninviting. It used to be different, but what little remains of the welcoming seduction of the past, is now dull and faded.
Sherlock, on the other hand—although every bit as strong and refined—smells warm, approachable and comforting, with a very pronounced overtone of sweet vanilla—which Mike, should I ever decide to discuss this particular subject with him, would probably find very typical and likely even funny. At some point in my life, I developed the strange habit of sitting outside Sherlock’s bedroom door when I miss him, just so his scent can comfort me—he has a way of showing up whenever I do.
August and Leon share the dark, bold and spicy edge to their scents. They’re matched for sensual promiscuity, but Leon leans further into the direction of exotic rebelliousness and playful deviance. August smells… calmer. More grounded.
Marshall smells remarkably similar to Sherlock, in a way. Only he trades the sweetness for something crisper and fresher, reminiscent of pine and fresh herbs. It feels almost strangely grounded and familiar, with a quiet strength and weight to it that borders on intimidating.
And then there’s Mike. It should surprise no one that he’s the odd one out, and although I wouldn’t describe the scent as that of bubblegum and jellybeans, I wouldn’t necessarily not describe it as such. It’s a rather untidy fragrance, that has an energetic flamboyance to its almost cacophonous complexity. Touches of woods and herbs ground the otherwise discordant bouquet of lush, tropical fruits and crisp, fresh citrus, combined with a selection of floral aromas that expresses something of a delicate… femininity. It’s youthful, vibrant, playful and mischievous, and more importantly, it’s the best damned thing I’ve ever had the pleasure to smell.
Unthinkingly, I pull Mike closer, the tip of my nose tracing a gentle path up the side of his neck as I inhale deeply, savoring not only the scent, but also his warmth, pulse, and the feeling of his skin against mine as it transitions from the smoothness down by his shoulder to the scratchy stubble of the five o’ clock shadow on his jaw I’m embarrassed to admit I find quite attractive.
My senses are so thoroughly occupied with the attempt to soak up every crumb of these new, delightful experiences that I completely forget to care even the slightest bit about the quiet moan that slips past my lips.
Mike whines impatiently in reply, and when he suddenly moves, I struggle to keep up with the innumerable sensations that wash over me in rapid succession.
His breath on my ear, the delectable feeling of his weight on top of me, the tangling of our legs, his hand at the back of my neck, and its long, slender fingers traveling over my scalp… But much more pressing—and more annoying, I might add—is my acute and absolutely insufferable awareness of the suddenly too thick, coarse and rigid denim of my jeans as it moves over my skin in all the wrong ways while we adjust our position on the bed.
Not to mention that these godforsaken trousers, which fit me perfectly and comfortably less than half an hour ago, suddenly seem too tight—an experience that wouldn’t be unique to my person in the least, if Mike wasn’t very likely completely unbothered by such atrocities sensations due to the fact that he is wearing sweatpants.
Sweatpants which, much to my dismay, contribute to my own discomfort far more than I care to admit.
That is not to say Mike is unaffected by this situation. In fact, the evidence heavily favors the contrary, and the fact that I can feel his pulse… there, in combination with the thought that that means he can probably feel mine in approximately the same location, keeps distracting me from mentally drafting the letter of complaint I wish I had sent to Levi Strauss & Co. back in the 1870s.
I have never wanted out of a pair of trousers—or any other type of garment, for that matter—this badly in my entire existence. And for all the wrong reasons, too, for crying out loud!
A displeased whimper hits my ear, and by the time it dawns on me that I was the one who made it because Mikey suddenly disappeared, an unidentifiable pile of dark grey fabric lands on my stomach.
The person who put it there is standing next to the bed, towering over me with his arms folded across his chest. It would have been intimidating, if not for the hint of a smile that peeks through the stern mask on his face.
Mike points to the bathroom. “They’re sweatpants,” he says impatiently, “go put them on. Now. Please.”
My brain cycles through countless motives and explanations, but I’m so hopelessly behind on processing the events of the past minute, that it comes up completely empty.
I must look at least half as confused as I feel, because Mike can no longer fight back his smile. “Hey, normally I’d tell you to just take the jeans off, but I don’t want us to get ahead of ourselves,” he chuckles. “If this is what it takes to keep you from violently longing to invent time travel so you can smack Jacob W. Davis and Levi Strauss over the head with a comically large wooden mallet, then…”
He makes a series of vague, impatient gestures at me, the sweatpants and in the general direction of the bathroom, all accompanied by an equally impatient and exquisitely adorable whine.
When I laugh, after deciding against telling him how cute he looks, Mike frowns, and his eyes narrow. “Mel, please,” he whines, “I really, really, really want to kiss you.”
Nervous as that makes me, I can’t deny that it’s exactly what I want too, and despite my legs feeling exceptionally uncooperative, I manage to make it to the bathroom in one piece.
I lean my shoulders against the wall, steadying myself as I attempt to regain control over myself, my chest heaving with every new breath.
The cold of the tile creeps through the fabric of my shirt with ease, grounding me.
Soothing me.
My thoughts, which are normally fairly organized, are a mess—an un-unravelable heap of pure chaos.
It’s anarchy!
Mike somehow manages to match the energy of an eight-week-old puppy attempting to herd sheep, with the exact same, very predictable and equally—if not more so—undesirable result.
And I’m the sheep.
I clamp my teeth down on my bottom lip with force until I taste blood, but the visions keep coming.
My fingers—are they mine? If they were, one would assume I would know how to get them to fucking work, correct? When I put these jeans on this morning, this wasn’t the world’s most challenging button, so why won’t it open, for God’s sake?
I swear under my breath, screwing my eyes shut as if to squeeze the last bit of focus out of my brain that way. I must, however, come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am not a tube of toothpaste.
“You’re impossible.” Mike’s voice is hoarse, his chest moves rapidly in time with his equally erratic breathing, and his long fingers close effortlessly around my wrists with punishing force. “Get these hands out of the damn way and let me help you with that.”
Apparently, his wish is my command. Or perhaps, his command is my command. Either way, my hands are out of his way in a flash.
Barely a second later, the button and zipper of this treacherous denim contraption are no longer an obstacle, and I struggle to breathe as Mike leans his forehead against mine, dipping his fingertips tentatively into the now-loosened waistband of my trousers.
He holds me firmly in place as he steps closer, grinding his hips into mine. Out of reflex, I bite down on my lip again, piercing my skin, which lures a soft whine from my throat.
Before I can do anything, Mike passes his tongue over the wound before sucking my bottom lip into his mouth, and I seem to have suddenly forgotten how to breathe altogether.
“Now,” Mike says—‘growls’ would be a more apt description, perhaps, “take these off, put the sweatpants on—or don’t. Strip completely bare-ass naked for all I care, but get in my damn bed, please.”
Hearing my own desperate need echoed in his voice makes my heart stutter—the cruel cold or Mikey’s sudden absence makes me restless.
I rid myself of my jeans as quickly as I can, and as I exchange them for the much more comfortable sweatpants, I can’t resist the urge to squeeze my throbbing erection through the fabric, desperately attempting to fight the thought of how much I need that hand to be his instead of mine.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Mikey snarls, his voice close to my ear and the scorching heat of his body comforting me once again. “I should drag you to bed by your balls, you little tease. Why are you out here wanting all these things, when we can be doing them in there?”
I want to say something, but even if my voice were cooperating, my vocabulary certainly wouldn’t be. In the end, nothing but a pathetic whine escapes me, making Mike chuckle.
He hooks two fingers in the waistband of the sweatpants, no doubt with the intention to tug me along towards the bed, but one catches behind the band of my underwear as well, putting more of me on display than I anticipated. I know Mike well enough to expect him to take a peek—and the urgency with which he does so immediately—and I find myself thoroughly enjoying the look of utter desperation and pure carnal need on his face as he fails to fight off a crooked smile, dragging his tongue along his upper lip.
I struggle to identify the feeling that washes over me, wringing out my insides as Mike’s playful smile widens, his gaze still locked on my groin. There is a strange sense of pride to it. At the same time, waves of anticipation struggle for power against nervousness.
The longer I look at his face, the stronger the anticipation becomes. He’s cute, with his mischievous smile, fangs out as he fights off the ragged corners of the desires he knows would likely push me a tad too far at this time.
But Mike can think of six things either simultaneously or in awe-inspiringly quick succession.
“Why does it happen? The fangs?” he asks quietly, amusement poorly concealed in his tone.
My laughter rings involuntarily, the sound bouncing off the tiles, echoing in my own mind as it once again struggles to keep up with everything that’s happening. “You’ve clearly never lived in a large coven,” I chuckle. “One so powerful that hiding your nature—and teeth—becomes completely unnecessary. Our natural instinct is to have them out. Even after centuries, one must have his wits about him in order to control them, and I don’t know about yours, but mine are halfway to Argentina by now.”
Mike’s grin widens as he takes a step back, finally guiding me back to his bedroom.
When the back of my legs meet the edge of the bed, his eyes darken. “I really want to do some dirty things to you, Melmel,” he whispers. The high-pitched whine that meets my ear must be mine, and unthinkingly I chase the pathetic sound away with a scornful chuckle which, most unfortunately, is followed by a sharp gasp as Mike pulls me closer by my hips until my body is flush against his. “Will you let me?”
The art of speech eludes me still, so I nod.
“I’m going to kiss you now,” Mike says as he gently places a hand on either side of my face.
To be overcome with desire does not mean what I thought it did until now in the slightest. As soon as Mike’s lips touch mine, true desperate need comes crashing down on me, drowning out everything else.
His mouth is soft, but firm. His hands gentle as they move from my face, down my chest and stomach, to the sides of my hips, until they reach the back of my thighs. He picks me up effortlessly, of course, wrapping my legs around him before laying me down in the middle of the mattress.
Our moans effortlessly overshadow everything else that attempts to occupy my thoughts, only leaving room to experience pleasure. It’s all-consuming.
Powerful.
Cathartic, even.
Mike’s tongue licks gently at the seam of my lips, which part as if by magic to grant him entrance.
His enthusiasm is infectious, and I greedily reciprocate until…
“Fuck!” Mike pulls back, still laughing when he sticks out his tongue. It’s bleeding. “I forgot you have spare teeth.”
“I’m sorry.” I can’t bear to look at him as guilt washes over me, drowning out all the wonderful feelings from before.
“Don’t be,” he says softly, giving me a reassuring peck on the tip of my nose. “You can poke as many holes in me as you want, this just took me by surprise, that’s all.”
He presses his lips to mine again, this time with significantly more restraint—to start with, that is. Every time he rolls his hips, grinding them into mine, he loses a bit of that control.
I could say the same does not apply to me, but it would be such a blatant lie that it would be laughable at best.
When he bites my lip, he is careful not to break the skin, but the force is still enough to bruise me.
Whatever mark he leaves on me, with very few exceptions, will be gone before we’re even done here. Why does that strike me as such a tragedy?
The last remnants of Mikey’s gentle touch have disappeared now, as his fingertips dig into my shoulders, my hips, my thighs, with brutal force. It would certainly be enough to cause serious harm to someone less sturdy than either of us…
“God, I haven’t done this with another vampire in years,” Mike groans. The sound, deep, dark and dripping with lust, vibrates throughout my entire body.
I know he’s been with nymphs, shifters—were- or otherwise—and demons, and I don’t doubt that there have been many more rendezvous with many more species I haven’t the faintest clue about, but that knowledge proves to be of surprisingly little impact on this moment. “Tell me if I’m too rough with you, Mel. Please.”
Not at all, I wish to scream. I’ll take everything he’s willing to give me and more. So much more.
But I can’t seem to find my voice. Instead, I slide my hands into his shirt on a whim, dragging my nails down his back, reveling in the sense of pride and sensuality I feel as he arches to my… well, ‘touch’ would be quite the understatement, I suppose.
“Guess not, then,” he says with a devious grin as he grabs the hem of the t-shirt I just decided to ignore and pulls it over his head.
I’ve seen him without a shirt, of course. Goodness, I’ve seen him damn near naked on several occasions, but this time…
As he sits there, straddling my thighs, towering over me, my eyes wander down, taking in his broad shoulders, chest and abs. He’s lean, toned, but I wouldn’t describe him as particularly muscular. His pale skin is smooth all the way down to his navel, where my attention is captured by the thin line of dark hair that leads… down.
My hands make their way up his thighs until they rest on his hips, and without realizing, I speak. “You are so beautiful.”
I realize my error instantly, an overpowering sense of confusion surging through me as I watch Mike’s face light up.
“Yeah?” he asks excitedly as I continue my attempt to grasp why he sounds so pleased. My confusion must be apparent, because Mike laughs sweetly. “It’s okay, baby, you can call me beautiful all day, every day. Can I see if you’re pretty too?”
It clicks as soon as the word ‘pretty’ leaves his mouth, and I am suddenly overcome with the fear that he won’t see me that way while Mike fusses with the top button of my shirt.
He groans out of frustration. “Do you have any emotional attachment to this thing?” he growls almost aggressively as he grabs me by the collar of my shirt. I shake my head, once again unable to speak. “Good.”
The fabric tears almost too easily, and several buttons—four, to be exact—find their way onto the floor.
A long, desperate whine meets my ear as Mike rakes his fingers over my chest, down to my stomach, where he traces the faint line of hair with a single finger, all the way down to the waistband of my trousers, while I dig my fingers into his hips with more force than I intended. It makes Mike’s cock twitch, causing it to bump against my thumb, which lures a sharp gasp from me.
Mike reacts to it and the expression that has appeared on my face in the meantime without my knowledge, and certainly without my consent.
“Okay,” he taunts, “my pretty boy wants to play in the big leagues then?”
Despite my nerves, I find myself nodding in reply to his question, attempting once again to swallow the tightness in my throat away.
Mike kisses me, softly but enthusiastically—and most importantly: repeatedly—as he lies down next to me. Heat rises to my cheeks as he flashes me that goofy smile of his.
I was always under the impression that I found that smile particularly annoying. I guess I was wrong.
The one hand that is still on his hip relentlessly attempts to capture my attention, begging me to acknowledge its proximity to the part of Mike that currently has my imagination spinning completely out of control, but I can’t allow myself to comply with its demands just yet. Lord knows I’ll be swiftly rid of any ability to speak, which would be… unfortunate, to say the least.
Not that that particular ability isn’t greatly impaired to begin with, but we needn’t tempt fate further, I would say.
“I’ll be happy to tell you anything you want to know, Melot,” Mike whispers softly as he moves closer to me. It’s the strange fish-on-dry-land-esque performance attached to it that makes me laugh—and much louder than I had intended, too. In fact, I had no intention to laugh at all…
I snap my mouth shut and look away. Surely, my cheeks must be so red they are in fact aglow right now, mustn’t they?
Mike groans loudly, which twists the uncomfortable knot in my stomach, greatly worsening the unwelcome tightness I was already feeling.
To say I am in no way prepared for his words, would be an understatement.
“Mel, dude, Melmel, babe, Melly, my good sir,” he sighs, “where were you when they sent out the memo that this”—he gestures wildly at the both of us—“all of this, like… sex, is supposed to be fun?”
“Well, I—” Just hearing him describe what we’re doing as ‘sex’ brings forward a host of emotions I can either not identify or desperately wish I couldn’t, and it certainly helps my nerves in no imaginable way.
“Like, babygirl, I get it,” he continues, as I try to prevent having to invent a new shade of red to describe the color my cheeks will turn after this one, “you’re nervous. You’ve never done this. You’ve been told not to do this, with… well, pretty much anyone but definitely not another dude—which I’m sure will come back to bite you in that sweet little butt of yours, and we’ll deal with that fall-out together. But if we’re doing this, I need you to lighten up, okay?”
“But… How?” In my entire existence, I have never struggled to speak two simple words the way I did just now.
“For starters, there are two people here who I’m going to need you to not take too seriously,” he says matter-of-factly. “The first one is me, which is already true for… most scenarios outside of this one, I’d say. And the second one is you. You’re allowed to laugh, okay?”
The way he nips at the tip of my nose makes it impossible not to laugh. “Good boy,” Mike muses as I struggle to figure out why it feels so good to hear him say those words.
Without thinking about it, mostly for fear of discouraging myself, I wrap my free arm around him, pulling him tightly against me as I kiss him.
The added pressure of my arm against the small of his back is not enough to satisfy my need, so I boldly and unthinkingly lower my hand until it cups half of Mike’s backside.
Despite my lacking intentions to lose control of myself like this, I find myself feverishly grasping him, pulling him even closer as I dig my fingers into the flesh of his rear.
It’s surprisingly soft, yet surprisingly firm, and I find myself surprisingly eager to explore it further—the whole situation would best be described as, well… surprising, really, and Mike’s ardent whimpering tells me that he is not at all inclined to put an end to my endeavors.
Due to my sudden preoccupation with Mikey’s lovely behind, I am almost robbed of awareness of the fantastic experience of Mike, gently but greedily sliding his hands into my pants as he gently sucks my bottom lip into his mouth.
My grip around his waist slacks as he pulls his face back, still holding my lip firmly between his teeth, and he cocks an eyebrow at me, giving me the courage to mimic his movements.
For a moment, I am surprised to find that Mike is not wearing underwear, and then I remember who I’m in bed with. I’m not saying I should have expected this, but to pretend it’s in any way uncharacteristic, would be a lie.
His skin is smooth and warm, and the salacious moan he lets out catches in his throat, where it morphs into a gasp as my lips seek out his neck.
The urge to bite is strong, and I already know he wouldn’t mind, so…
“Fuck, Mel,” he moans sweetly as I bite down, effortlessly piercing his skin again and again, until his neck and shoulders are littered with marks.
Mike reaches behind his back, grabbing my wrist in order to drag my hand away from his ass, and towards the front of his sweatpants, where his erection strains against the fabric.
He presses my palm against the sizeable bulge while he begs me to bite him again, and I find myself more than happy to oblige.
A chuckle rolls off my tongue as soon as my teeth connect with his skin, and I softly squeeze his twitching cock, which draws the sweetest whimpers from Mike’s gorgeous lips.
“Mel, please,” he whispers, barely managing to squeeze the words out in between soft swearing and labored breaths as he puts his hand over mine and slowly slides it down his hip, into the front of his sweatpants. “I… I need you to…”
My voice is barely more than a breath as I stammer my concerns about my nerves, lack of experience and the fact that I haven’t a clue what to do.
“Doesn’t matter,” Mikey whispers in reply, “just touch me. Please.”
Heat rises to my cheeks again as I desperately attempt to resist the urge to pull my hand back and flee the room. “I-I really don’t know what… how…”
Mike lets out a whine that is a mix between impatience and complete and utter frustration. “What do you mean you don’t know? You have one of these, what do you do with that one?”
Lying to him now would probably not be in my best interest, so I ignore the ever-increasing temperature of my face when I tell him: “I, eh… I don’t really, ehh…”
“Mas-tur-bate,” Mike says with a smile. “Jack off. Jerk off. Beat your meat. Tickle your pickle. Flog your log. I can come up with dozens of these, but I think you got the point. But, like… ever?”
I shrug, fighting the resistance of Mike’s hand against my shoulder as I try to hide my face from him. “Not never, but…”
“We can stop, if you want?” Mike says carefully, even though we both know that’s the very last thing I desire right now. “Or take a little step back?”
I shake my head surprisingly decisively. “I want to try,” I whisper. “I want to make you feel good.”
Mike leans closer to me, bringing his lips up to my ear. “Try again,” he says, the amusement in his voice clear as day, because once again he knows as well as I do that I’m not voicing my true desire.
In truth, I’m burning with violent need, and I am utterly bewildered that it’s even possible to feel nervous enough to overshadow that feeling. Yet here we are…
A low growl escapes me completely involuntarily. “I want to hear you moan and feel you squirm in my arms,” I snarl with more vigor than I originally intended. “And I want it to be because of me.”
His sweet moan, right in my ear, makes me tingle all over, and I barely manage to choke back a whimper of my own.
“Mel, please,” Mikey pleads with me again, “stop overthinking and just grab my d—”
He’s forced to end his sentence with a strangled, high-pitched noise that makes me chuckle as I wrap my fingers around his length.
He presses his forehead against mine as I cup the side of his face with my free hand, trailing my thumb lightly over his cheekbone.
The softest whimper stumbles past his slightly parted lips, and I gladly give in to the urge to touch them as well, savoring the feeling of Mikey’s hot breath against my fingertip.
When his tongue darts out, I take my own lip between my teeth, biting down as he sensually sucks my thumb into his mouth. I admire his confidence as he stares straight into my eyes—into my soul—as he does so.
Slowly, he rolls his hips, thrusting carefully into my hand.
His jaw tightens, and every sound he makes, escapes from behind gritted teeth—the way he’s grinding them almost makes more noise than he does, which I have to admit I find quite bothersome.
“Why are you holding back?” I ask quietly, as I attempt to silence the part of my mind that tells me I must be doing something wrong.
“Because I still can,” he admits reluctantly.
So I am doing s—
“You’re not doing anything wrong,” he says, smiling devilishly as he shimmies out of his sweatpants a bit further. “But truth be told, it’s missing something, eh…”
I patiently wait for him to continue, listening to the whiny noises he makes in protest as I don’t do him the courtesy of pausing the apparently good-but-missing-something handjob I was giving him. Mike is adorable when he gets flustered, and I am more than happy to be responsible for the rosy color on his cheeks.
“Fine,” he grumbles, giving in to his desires at last. “Top drawer of the nightstand. There’s a bottle, you really can’t miss it.”
I venture to retrieve the bottle. It’s… A chuckle escapes without warning as I read the label. “Mikey, why do you own cotton candy flavored lubricant?”
“Because it doesn’t come in jelly bean flavor,” Mike says casually before bringing my attention back to the—pardon me—task at hand. “Don’t be stingy with the stuff, I like it wet.”
Rather than simply not being quite sure what to do—or how much lubricant is an appropriate amount, since I’ve never used anything like it before—I am suddenly overcome with anxiety over the fact that I am now forced to look what I’m doing.
Slowly, I lower my gaze, taking in all of Mike’s body I can along the way. I barely notice how my fangs pierce my lip again when I bite down as my eyes reach their destination.
Mike snatches the bottle from my hand and kindly helps me out by pouring some of the liquid in my hand. My curiosity gets the better of me, and I bring my hand to my mouth, quickly dipping my tongue in the small pool of fluid in my palm.
Unsurprisingly, it’s extremely sweet.
Mike spends this time glaring at me, impatiently squirming and making his displeasure known through a series of whimpers, not stopping until I wrap my hand around his cock again.
As soon as I do, a serene smile spreads across his face, and he sighs while I proceed to coat his member with the slippery substance on my hand.
“Better?” I ask him.
He nods, resting his forehead against mine again. “Fuck yes.”
Apparently, the only thing Mike thinks will stop him from becoming excessively loud now, is crushing his mouth to mine and kissing me like his life depends on it.
His hips move erratically as he thrusts almost frantically into my hand while moans, grunts and desperate whimpers stumble from his mouth into mine.
After some time, I feel his hand close around mine, guiding my grip and the rhythm of my strokes while the fingers of his other hand dig into my back nearly hard enough to draw blood.
He swears, softly at first, but becoming louder as he loses more and more of his restraint.
Even with a vision providing me with advance knowledge of what is going to happen—which is technically so predictable that I should have been able to come up with it myself—I am unprepared for the moment his orgasm arrives.
In hindsight, aiming might have been a good idea, but I honestly couldn’t think of a better place for his release than my stomach.
“Sorry for the mess,” Mike pants against my lips. I can feel the lazy smile on his face in the way his mouth moves against my skin. “Can I help you clean that up?”
The implication in the devilish question sends a jolt of electricity down my spine, and before I can answer, Mike has pressed his lips to my neck, marking the beginning of a slow, teasing descent downward with a playful bite.
As he moves down my body, he turns me onto my back, leaving me helplessly mesmerized by the sight of this gorgeous man making his way down my chest, licking and sucking at my skin every chance he gets.
The feeling is absolutely unmatched by anything I have ever felt before in my life, and I can’t hold back any of the sounds that well up in my throat of their own volition.
The enthusiasm with which Mike licks his own semen off my abdomen is almost awe inspiring, and I watch him closely, barely aware of the fact that my mouth hangs open, which I’m sure must make me look like a complete and utter fool.
When he finishes his task, he shoots a glance up at me in which lies a burning question, and without thinking, I nod in reply.
Eager hands drag down my trousers and pants until my cock springs free, and for a moment, panic takes hold of me. With some effort, I remember the look on Mike’s face when he was ‘accidentally’—if one chooses to believe it was an accident, which I can’t bring myself to do—presented with an opportunity to look at my erection.
The image manages to calm me down fairly effectively.
My reaction when Mike carefully drags the tip of his tongue along the full length of my cock is admittedly quite embarrassing, but I try not to dwell on that thought, electing instead to enjoy the incredible new sensations brought to me by Mike’s mouth.
“So sensitive,” he muses quietly, trailing a teasing finger lightly down the same trajectory as his tongue. “And so pretty.”
I barely manage to resist the urge to cry out in frustration as Mike abandons my member and instead kisses my stomach, hips and thighs, putting his lips absolutely everywhere but where I so desperately want them.
His hands tease me: playful, eager fingers travel up and down my sides with the lightest touch, threatening to drive me completely beside myself with lustful yearning.
“Please!” The word barely makes it out, my voice so strangled I momentarily wonder if Mike even understood me—his devious chuckle confirming that he did.
In the pit of my stomach, pressure simmers. A pressure I probably should have familiarized myself with a lot more over the past fourteen centuries, but it’s recognizable enough as is.
There is no doubt in my mind that Mikey would succeed in bringing me to orgasm without laying another finger—or any other part of his body—directly on my cock.
Shame heats up my cheeks once again as I am forced to admit that, quite frankly, I’m about to burst.
And it is precisely this moment in which Mike decides that the best course of action is to swallow my whole length down to the root.
It's the hideously arrogant raising of that miserable eyebrow of his that ends up dragging me over the edge, and without any warning, I spill my seed into his mouth.
If dying of embarrassment was a possibility, I would have done it dozens, if not hundreds of times over the course of my existence, but none of those instances could hold a candle to what I’m feeling in this moment.
I could positively die of shame.
Mike, however, seems to be completely unfazed by the circumstances. It’s typical, of course, but it’s also infuriating.
“Hey,” he whispers softly, smoothing a hand over my hair. “Don’t feel bad. Come on…”
The next moment, he’s next to the bed, holding out a hand.
“Shower time, Melmel,” he muses happily.
I follow him in silence. Even as he strips me of the pants I put back on before making my way over to the bathroom, or when he ushers me into the shower stall, or when he sweetly and gently caresses me all over to rinse off the remnants of our relations, I remain quiet.
Until we are back in the room, and Mike dives under the covers, leaving me standing there…
“I… Mike, I think I should g—”
“Yeah, that is, like, so not happening,” Mike says, rushing towards me with alarming speed. “You are staying, and that’s an order. Besides, we’re just getting to my favorite part.”
“Didn’t we just do your favorite part?” I ask, my voice thick with bewilderment.
“Ask our girl,” Mike chuckles. “I’m a little cuddle monster.”
He takes both of my hands in his and gently attempts to pull me along. “Back to bed, now.”
I can’t seem to move, other than the involuntary shiver that travels through my body when Mike suddenly appears behind me, pressing his smiling lips to my neck and grabbing my behind. “Are you going to listen to me, or do I have to spank my pretty boy?”
I’m not proud of the way his words bring my cock back to life, but I can’t bring myself to be embarrassed about it, either, even when Mike chuckles devilishly in my ear.
“Was it ‘pretty boy’ or ‘spank’ that’s making this happen?” he asks as he gently palms my stiffening cock.
“Both,” I admit surprisingly willingly. “And ‘my’ might have had something to do with it as well.”
“Do you want to go another round?” Mike asks carefully, no doubt to attempt to hide the heady edge to his voice, as if his growing desire isn’t literally poking me in the back right now.
“I thought you wanted to cuddle,” I whisper, gritting my teeth so as not to moan loudly as my erection pushes more and more firmly against Mike’s hand. Thank God, he’s keeping it still, otherwise I would be completely lost.
“I do,” he whines. “But look what you did to me!” He grinds his cock against my ass. It feels heavenly, as does the feeling of Mike’s breath on my neck as he chuckles when my cock twitches against his palm.
This time, I allow him to push me towards the bed again, and when we reach it, I don’t protest when he bends me over—at first.
Panic briefly washes over me as I think about what he might do to me, but I trust him. I know he would never attempt anything beyond my boundaries, so I relax again, leaning into his touch as his fingers close around my length again.
He strokes me in time with the movement of his hips against my ass as he thrusts slowly between my cheeks, pushing his cock down with his other hand.
When Mike disappears, I whine at the loss, and I try to right myself to see where he’s gone, but his hand, firmly pressing down on the small of my back, stops me. The drawer of the bedside table opens and closes, and the top of a bottle clicks. Moments later, Mikey’s hand, now slick with lubricant, closes around my cock again.
His other hand—now also quite sticky—hooks around my thigh, pulling me back a few steps to give him more space to work with, and I moan in delight as I feel my ass hit his hips again.
Mike gently shushes me, squeezing my ass in a strangely reassuring way when the feeling of his hands running down between my cheeks has me worried for a second. “Don’t worry,” he says calmly. “Just wanted a little less friction.”
I must admit, it feels even better this way. For him, too, if the higher speed of his thrusts and increasing volume of his moans are any indication.
When Mike plants a firm kiss on my spine, between my shoulder blades, I can’t fight back a loud moan as I relish the feeling of his weight on top of me. At the same time, I am terribly disappointed when he stops moving his hips.
“I want to try something, okay?” Mike says. His hand stops moving too, and much to my displeasure, it disappears altogether barely a second later. The only redeeming aspect to this unwelcome behavior, is the trail of sloppy, wet kisses Mike leaves down my back.
I resist the urge to swat him in the head when he sinks his teeth into my rear, and I heal the wound immediately in protest.
Mike, in all his silly, playful Mike-ness, retaliates by making another mark, which I treat in the same manner.
We go back and forth like that for a minute, until Mike growls in frustration. “You’re so fucking lucky you’re cute, Melmel.”
I can hear the pout in his voice, and a grin appears on my face as I spread my legs for Mike without thinking when he moves to grab my cock again, this time by reaching between my legs.
His arm hooks around my hips, holding me in place, and I barely get a second to wonder why.
Mike was more than right to hold me down, because when the tip of his warm, wet tongue touches the tight ring of muscle—
“Mike!” I hiss angrily while I squirm against his solid grasp. That… place has been an exit only for fourteen hundred years, and if he thinks—
A soft kiss on my bottom eases my surging anger. “Put down the pitchfork,” Mike muses, “I just want to touch you. Well… eat you. Give it an honest chance, please? If you don’t like it, you don’t like it, but I think you should try it.”
Mike certainly has a way of inciting one’s curiosity… I take a deep breath before nodding decisively, accompanying the gesture—which Mike can’t see—with an affirmative hum.
Mike continues to stroke me while his tongue gently laps at my puckered hole.
When Mike made his plea, I never pictured a scenario in which I would enjoy this, but to my shame, I must admit that the sensation is quite pleasant. Perhaps a bit more than ‘quite’.
Alright, it feels nothing short of absolutely heavenly! That doesn’t mean I am quite ready to admit that, thank you very much.
Unfortunately, Mike seems to get plenty of confirmation from the way my hips involuntarily move in time with his tongue, rather than his hand.
In fact, after a while, he abandons stroking my cock altogether, using both hands to spread my ass cheeks so he can gain better access to my hole.
I occupy my own hands by pressing a pillow firmly against my face, while crying a continues stream of moans and the occasional expletive into it, and when Mike tentatively passes a fingertip over the tight ring of muscle, I find myself begging him to continue.
“Is this something you want now, or something you know you’ll want in the future?” His tone lets me know there is only one answer he will accept, and it’s not the one I think I want it to be now.
I desperately cry out into the pillow, wanting to voice my protest but finding no words, and I turn onto my back rather dramatically while Mike skillfully dodges my legs.
He remains where he is, raising himself up on his knees so he can lay his head on my hip. The sweet smile on his face as he looks up at me annoys me greatly, and I put the pillow over my face again and scream, before glaring down at him as I prop myself up on my elbows.
“If you’re not going to do to me what you know I think I want you to do to me but don’t yet, then at the very least do to me what we both know I’m incredibly amenable to you doing to me,” I growl.
Mike chuckles. “That almost sounds like you’re asking me to blow you,” he teases.
On a whim, I sit up. With the fingers of one hand twisted into his curls, I pull his head off my thigh.
Mike’s swallows audibly, his eyes wide as he stares up at me. My jaw tightens as he bites his lip, and I cock an eyebrow at him, silently asking my question.
He responds by nodding furiously, and when I attempt to pull my hand back, he grabs my wrist.
With unwavering enthusiasm, he pours some more lubricant on me before getting to work, coating my whole length using both of his hands.
It feels divine, and without thinking I ball my hands into fists to prevent myself from swearing.
Mike lets out a long, sweet moan, leaning into my touch as I unintentionally pull his hair, the noise making me all the more disinclined to relax my grip.
He looks up at me, that godforsaken eyebrow taunting me, and the rest of his face guilty of the exact same thing. He’s clearly testing my patience—and to my surprise, I find that I quite like that.
Stil, no matter how much I enjoy his defiance, my annoyance is real and intense enough to be a leading factor in my behavior.
“You know what I want,” I groan, putting pressure on the back of Mikey’s head, urging his mouth closer to its desired location.
His eyes narrow, and his lips pull into an insufferable smirk as he continues to work my length with both hands, and I attempt to keep my composure while the urge to smack that grin off his face surges to previously undiscovered heights.
Mike’s reaction has me staring at him in shock, his yearnful moan dying down as soon as he sees my face, and his expression morphing into something completely different that has his ears and cheeks turning red in a staggering tempo. It’s…
“So sweet,” I mutter as I loosen my grip on his hair and run my fingers over his scalp in circles. “Be good for me, my love. Let me feel that beautiful mouth.”
When he looks up at me again after pressing a sweet, brief kiss to the underside of my tip, the color on his cheeks has deepened.
I am unsure of the reasons behind the effect it has on me, and right now, I could frankly not care even a hair less.
He’s still challenging me, but the shy approach makes it endearing rather than infuriating. I can’t even convince myself fully that he’s putting on an act: He’s never been particularly good at hiding his true feelings.
Before we started this—all of it, from the very first kiss onward—I never would have imagined that I’d see myself in control of any of this. I pictured myself, completely at the mercy of Mike and his fickle whims. No vision I had could have prepared me for this.
For this sense of agency, and of… dominance.
For the overwhelming sense of pride, and the much more intense yearning for this sweet, eager boy between my knees than I had ever imagined possible.
“Sweet, precious Mikey,” I sigh as he delivers the smallest lick to the tip of my cock. A smile tugs at the corners of my mouth as I watch him squirm beneath me. My best guess is that I’m not the only one who enjoys being called sweet things.
Where I find the words, and how on Earth I suddenly manage to not only use my voice but also seem to accurately remember fourteen centuries worth of English—though it would be remiss not to acknowledge that I never really caught on to the last two centuries or so—is beyond me, but the fact of the matter is that I do.
Words of encouragement flow freely from my lips as I gently nudge Mike’s head forward. “Wrap those pretty lips around me, sweetheart. I know you want to,” I say softly. “I’ll be so proud of you.” Mike whines, staring up at me with big, innocent eyes. “Be a good boy for me, Mikey. You’d make me so happy.”
Strangely, though the only thing missing from my words are the ones that would make this an outright plea, I don’t feel like I’m begging whatsoever, nor do I feel like I’m somehow pressuring Mike into doing something he doesn’t want to do.
Due to my lacking experience, I should be lacking every shred of confidence I feel, shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t feel so at peace with this, I—
My doubts die a swift, magnificent death the second Mike wraps his lips around my throbbing erection, and I soon find myself completely bewitched by the sight of him as he works more of my length into his mouth.
He’s dropped one hand into his own lap, and the other soon moves to my thigh, where his fingers dig into my flesh every time he goes down. With every stroke, he takes me deeper, until I’m fully seated in his mouth.
When his throat tightens around me briefly, it startles me, and I involuntarily move my hips, forcing Mike to withdraw, sputtering and struggling to breathe.
I, in turn, gasp for air when he spits on my cock. There’s something wildly erotic to it, and to the thin thread of saliva that runs from my tip to the center of his bottom lip.
“Keep going, beautiful,” I gasp. In no way am I too proud to admit that I’m positively aching to feel his lips around me again. “You’re doing so well. You’re such a good boy.”
Mike whimpers, briefly moving the hand with which he’s pleasuring himself quicker, before leaning forward again.
Emboldened by his enthusiasm, I put light pressure on the back of his head and gently thrust my hips forward.
His eyes open wide, and he moans desperately. The vibration created by the sound feels heavenly around my cock, and I push my hips forward again, luring another moan from Mike’s throat.
“Do you… like that?” I ask hesitantly. Surely, it’s better to be safe than sorry in these situations?
Mike hums a vigorous confirmation, his brows drawing together in a deep frown when I ask him—superfluously, apparently—if he wants me to stop.
On instinct, I move closer to the edge of the bed, tightening my grip on Mike’s hair as I thrust forward again—and again… and again.
Soon, there are tears in Mikey’s eyes, and instead of being overwhelmed by guilt, I simply can’t stop thinking about how beautiful he looks—and how incredibly impressed I am with his achievements.
Now, I am hardly under the impression that I have a particularly intimidating manhood where size is concerned, but I would happily place myself somewhat above average without adding any inches for vanity, and on top of that, I’m hardly being as gentle with Mike as I probably should be, thus, I consider my amazement justified.
Mike announces his approaching climax through a series of delectable moans and an increase in the pace at which he sucks me off, his movements stopping exactly when I’m teetering on the edge of orgasm myself.
He pulls back, until the tip of my cock rests on his tongue, and with a few strokes, he seals the deal.
I bite down on my lip while I watch as several thick ropes of my release coat his tongue, the visual so wildly arousing that I briefly worry I will never find anything else even remotely enticing ever again.
“Show me.” I mouth the words, unable to find my voice, as I trail my thumb lightly along Mike’s bottom lip. Audible or not, my words seem to light a devious little fire under him, and after heeding my request, he promptly raises himself up, supporting himself with his hands on my thighs.
My breath catches in my throat, and I swallow hard as Mike leans forward, pressing his lips to mine with vigor.
I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to be disgusted with myself and my behavior later, but right now I want nothing more than to taste myself on Mike’s tongue—I get slightly more than I bargained for when I open my mouth and feel my thick salty seed flow from Mike’s mouth into mine.
At first, I can’t bring myself to swallow, resisting the urge to spit until an idea takes root in my brain.
I can see the apology on Mike’s lips, but before he speaks, I put him on his back on the mattress, taking a moment to rake my eyes over his chest and abs.
Without wasting any time, I lick the evidence of his orgasm off his stomach, and straddle his hips, bringing my nose to his.
There’s no need for further provocation: Mike opens his mouth, sticking out his tongue so I can deliver on my silent promise.
This should feel disgusting. By pretty much any standard, but most of all mine—or rather; the ones that have been pounded into me over the years, either figuratively or, if I was particularly unfortunate, literally.
Instead, a serenity that borders on a sense of heavenly bliss washes over me while Mike and I go back and forth spitting a combination of our semen and saliva into each other’s mouths…
I—
Mike chuckles and falls back to the mattress, taking a moment to catch his breath before pulling me down on top of him. “If I came in while you were trying to watch a movie and I randomly spit a fat load of cum in your mouth, you probably wouldn’t appreciate that,” he says. His words seem so out of place that at first, I struggle to wrap my head around them, until I realize I must have looked… I couldn’t tell you how I looked, exactly, but my face must have expressed my thoughts in a way that prompted Mikey to launch into an explanation. “Welcome to your first ‘it seemed like a good idea at the time’-moment. It won’t be the last.”
“That doesn’t dispute the accusation that it was, in fact, disgusting. At all,” I mutter against the skin of his neck, hiding my scorching—and therefore probably beet-red—face from him.
Mike sits up again, wrapping his arms around my waist as he does, pulling me even closer. “Melmel… Sex is kinda disgusting. And embarrassing.” He punctuates his words with small kisses to my shoulder and neck. “And sticky, and sweaty, and messy.”
“You might want to put a positive spin on this,” I grumble. “Soon.”
“The point is,” he replies, pulling my head off his shoulder and holding it in both hands so that I’m forced to look at him. “When you’re with the right people, none of that matters.”
One look into his eyes, and I know…
“Well, I’m glad I’m with the right people then,” I murmur, leaning in for another kiss.
When Mike breaks away, he suggests we take another shower, and I’m hardly inclined to decline the offer. He wasn’t exactly lying about ‘sticky’ and ‘sweaty’ in his list of less-than-ideal side effects to sexual relations.
This time, Mike is the one that goes strangely quiet while we clean ourselves—and, both notably and regrettably, not each other—up.
“Mikey?” I ask carefully. “What’s wrong?”
My heart breaks when Mike drops to the floor, suddenly sobbing uncontrollably, crawling back into the corner and sitting there with his arms locked around his knees, vigorously shaking his head in reply to my question.
“Mike,” I say sternly as my attempts to pluck him off the floor fail miserably. I do, however, manage to pull him off the wall just far enough that I can sit down behind him, and when I lock my legs around him, he knows he won’t be going anywhere, so he gives in to my touch. “You will talk to me.”
When he moves again, I let him, both knowing that he might be a fool, but not such a big one that he expects to be able to run from me, and knowing—vision-wise—he won’t try. He simply wants to turn the shower head our way because he’s cold.
He sits down in my lap, and I wrap my arms tightly around him, waiting patiently until he feels ready to speak about what’s going on with him.
Another deep, shaky breath, and he starts talking: “This just took a turn… And you’re so new to all of this, I never thought… I should have… But I couldn’t have known, so… And everything was going well, and it was all good, and I was teasing you and so stoked to be showing you all these new, wonderful things and… And then things got turned around, somehow… and suddenly you were… you… And I… I…”
I let him cry for a while, just holding him, tucking him tightly against my chest as I smooth my hands over his back and sides, repeating the phrase ‘shh, it’s okay’ more times than I care to admit because I simply can’t come up with anything else.
After a while, his breathing steadies, and the sobbing comes to an end. “I’m sorry,” he says, clearing his throat. “Not in a ‘I have something to apologize for’ kind of way, but more like… ‘I feel bad for dumping this on you all of a sudden’ kind of way.”
“That’s alright,” I reply truthfully. “All I want is to take care of you and to make you feel better.”
Mike laughs through the last of his tears. “That’s great,” he says, “because you’re going to have to.”
“Just tell me how,” I say. “And, if at all possible, try to explain why?”
“Right,” Mike says on a slightly embarrassed chuckle. “First off, I shouldn’t have let this happen. Like…” He throws his head back and lets out a frustrated cry. “Okay. During that blowjob just now—I don’t blame you if you didn’t even notice, but…”
“I remember suddenly feeling far more… in charge?” I blurt out before I can stop myself.
Mike nods almost enthusiastically. “I really wouldn’t have blamed you—you looked pretty overstimulated—but, damn, I’m glad you noticed. Eh, long story short, you ended up Domming me—dominating, I mean, like… the kinky kind. And you were really good at it, too! So no worries about that, okay? But I should have stopped you, because I know I’m quick to slip into subspace—I’ll explain that later—and it was stupid… well, a little naïve, I guess, of me to think it wouldn’t happen, and…” He takes a moment to catch his breath, and I rub his back while he does.
“A little longer,” I say calmly when he tries to continue his story. My visions are exceptionally helpful in this type of situation, and I don’t want Mike to start hyperventilating.
“Thanks,” he says sincerely after a few more deep breaths. “The… I just… I freaked out because I need someone to take care of me—you, to be specific—but I should be the one taking care of you after your first time… Things just got a little messy.”
“Is there any reason we can’t be taking care of each other?” I ask, taking a moment to think about my own needs at this time. The very first one is for Mikey to feel better. “I think that, after this shower, I would like to watch a movie in bed, and stay very, very close to you.”
“Yeah,” Mike sighs happily. “That works for me.”
When we finish our shower, I dry myself off quickly, only to find Mike still standing next to me, soaking wet, when I’m done. He hesitantly holds his towel out to me.
“Please take care of me,” he mumbles, his voice small and soft. He’s avoiding eye contact, biting his lip and constantly shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
“I never want you to be afraid to ask me that, Mike,” I say slowly, enunciating every word carefully as I take the towel from him.
There’s something wonderful about this. I dry every part of Mike’s gorgeous body with extreme care. When I first resist the urge to press my lips to his skin, Mike laughs.
“You can still kiss me, Melot,” he muses. “Actually, I’d really like it if you did.”
At that moment, things finally connect in my head. “You need to feel loved.”
“Yeah,” Mike says, nodding slowly. “Put bluntly, I need to know you see me as more than the piece of meat you throatfucked back there.”
Before I can respond, he continues: “I know you don’t see me that way! I mean, maybe you did when you—”
“I was mostly very impressed with your skills,” I admit reluctantly. It’s my turn to blush once again. At least we’re both suffering that terrible affliction this time.
“Thanks,” he says with a smile. “Decades of practice.”
“I think you have put in more hours than most people your age,” I joke before nipping at the tip of his nose.
Mike glares at me. “Well, apparently I have put in more hours than some people your age, so…”
“Hey!” I stick my tongue out at him. “Stop bullying me, or I will—”
“Whatever you say next,” Mike interjects quickly, “never threaten to skip aftercare. Just… little PSA, I guess.”
“Oh, I was simply going to suggest we put on an episode of Downton Abbey and I point out all the historical inaccuracies,” I say plainly.
Mike shudders. “That would actually be worse…”
Mere seconds after we finally get settled in bed, there’s a knock on the door—of course, a few seconds after that, there’s an actual knock on the door. One that isn’t a figment of my… Well, I suppose both ‘figment’ and ‘imagination’ would be inaccurate.
Still, Mike and I look at each other, neither of us in any way inclined to actually see whose unfortunate timing we’re dealing with.
“Melot, can I see you for a second?” It’s Marshall.
Even though I’m wearing pants, I scramble to find the nearest pair of sweatpants and put them on—after Mike gives it a quick inspection. Quick thinking on his part, I must admit.
When I open the door, I open it wide enough to speak to Marshall, but not so wide that he can look into the room.
It makes him chuckle. “I’ve seen him in much worse states than simply naked,” he muses, but doesn’t otherwise protest the minimal state of ajar-ness of the door. “August and I thought you could use this.” He holds out a tray. One side is loaded with snacks—cheese, fruit, crackers… the lack of jellybeans might disappoint Mike—while the other side holds two bottles of water, glasses, and a pitcher of strawberry lemonade—Mike’s favorite. “Keep him warm and hydrated. And see if he wants to eat something. He’ll say he’s not hungry, but… Take care of him, okay?”
“I will,” I promise as I let go of the door to take the tray from Marshall. As soon as I do, someone—must be Mike—yanks the door open. He narrowly misses me as he practically jumps into Marshall’s arms.
“Thank you,” Mike mutters as Marshall hugs him tight to his chest, indeed not caring that Mike is still very much completely nude. “I love you.”
“I know,” Marshall replies with a somber smile. “I love you too. Always have, always will. Go be with your… boyfriend?”
“Official status TBD,” Mike chuckles as he releases Marshall from his grasp. “But at the very least I think we can say we’re hooking up.”
“Well, whatever the case, take care of each other. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He disappears before either of us can say another word, so we take the food inside and close the door behind us again, making sure to lock it as well.
“What happened between you two?” I ask carefully as we get comfortable under the covers.
Mike shrugs. “Nothing happened. It’s like… We’re as close as we’ve always been, just in a different way. We could never be in a monogamous relationship with each other, that would be weird, for some reason, but with Sweetcheeks in the mix, some old stuff has been coming back, and we’re figuring that out. Not in a very proactive way, I have to admit.” He picks a cube of cheese off the plate.
“So I might have to share you with another person, then?” I ask, jokingly poking at his ribs. The thought should devastate me. Shred my insides like a swarm of angry wasps is wreaking havoc on them.
Instead, I feel completely calm.
“I’m a bottomless pit of love,” Mike says with his mouth already full—yet he stuffs three more cubes of cheese and a few slices of cured sausage in there.
“You know, there’s fruits and vegetables on this plate, right?” I say when he swallows the obscene amount of food—which I’m sure he considered ‘a bite’.
“Fine, you have discovered the limits of my affection,” he jokes. “Hey!”
The first grape I chuck at his face bounces off his forehead, and I catch it before it hits the plate again. On the second try, Mike catches it in his mouth.
The third lands directly in his lap—I can’t seem to come to an agreement with myself as to whether or not that happened on purpose, but I happily put the situation to good use by retrieving the rogue fruit with my mouth, not neglecting to press a teasing kiss to Mikey’s soft cock.
“No,” he warns me, drawing out the ‘o’ as he shakes his head. “I mean… Yes! But no.”
For a moment—one of the kind that sets your soul alight and seems to last forever—we just smile at each other as we stare into each other’s eyes.
In my entire existence, I have never felt as safe as I do now.
Or as loved.
Or as at home.
Or as at peace.
“You were right,” I whisper after a while, as I let go of my fears, and my doubts, and my past.
Just for now.
And for him.
Only for him.
“I’m entirely unsurprised,” he chuckles. “But, eh… what about?”
I swallow hard before looking him right in the eye.
“I like boys.”
#mike hellraiser fic#mike hellraiser#mike (hellraiser)#hellraiser mike#mike hellraiser fanfiction#henrycavill fanfic#henry cavill fanfiction#henry cavill#henry cavill characters#walter marshall#hc sherlock#henry cavill sherlock holmes#sherlock holmes#august walker#august walker fanfiction#natural fic#naturalfic#melot#napoleon solo#charles brandon#mike hellraiser smut#hellraiser mike smut#melot smut
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"Wen Xiao had supplied a surprising range of documentation. Some of it was rather florid poetry with a lot of barely comprehensible metaphors. Some of it was anatomical illustrations. Some manuscripts purported to be accurate historical accounts, and several were straight-up pornography with no pretence to literary style."
a fanARTifact book based on this brilliant fic by @achray1
My first fanARTifact in a cdrama fandom and I'm in love with it. It came together far easier than most of my projects do. As always, see pics and read more below.
So, I have always seen these accordion style books in cdramas, usually covered in book cloth and often given to the Emperor, but it wasn't until I watching Strange Tales of Tang Dynasty, that I saw these gorgeous wooden ones and lost my actual mind. I swooned and immediately saved them in my For Future Reference Folder of Doom.
It's not a surprise that I have been absolutely OBSESSED with Fangs of Fortune for the last few weeks (sorry non cdrama friends) and reading achray's amazing story fueled me to finally give this a try. It wasn't until I was writing this post and re-reading the fic that I realized she said scrolls and I should have tried making a scrolllllllll, aiya. There's always next time.
My wonderful husband - always one to encourage my fannish behavior - kindly took time out of his day yesterday to cut, plane, sand, and round these covers out of a piece of walnut he had lying around. He made them bigger originally and I thought they should be trimmed down a bit. I admit he was right and I should have left them larger. Ah well, next time. As per usual with these projects, I did do the research to check if walnut trees are native, or at least grow in China, and thankfully they do so moving right along.
The ones in the picture above were clearly stained and likely shellac-ed, but I only oiled mine (again with walnut oil), and pressed them over night to soak up any extra. Just look at the difference after they'd been oiled holy hell!
I experimented with quite a few ideas for attaching the text: vinyl, carving it out (no. omg. no. Carving walnut is a nightmare. I know that now), gold foiling. But I finally landed on calligraphy on paper and then adhering it on the cover like the reference image.
I went back and forth and round and round trying to decide what the cover should say. My initial thought was to translate Achray's entire fic title but that ended up being way, way too much text. So after talking with a discord friend and a lot of thought, we landed on "妖性爱习俗", which roughly should translate to "Demon Sex Practices/Customs" or "The Practice of Demonic Sex".
To do the text, I input the characters into a Chinese Calligraphy generator to use as reference. I don't own a brush capable of those gorgeous points, so I drew out the shapes and the followed the reference to fill them in. I did this a few times because I first made it way, waaaaay too big for the cover. I unfortunately decide to use a water based ink which, spoiler alert, will come back to bite me in the ass later.
See that bleeding. Yeah. That's my poor choice of a non waterproof ink, very thin calligraphy paper, and wheat paste asthe glue. Which I somehow didn't notice when I was doing the test on my extra board.
I decided to try out making wheat paste for the first time with this project and while I really did love the ability to remove and move around the piece you're gluing, it did not like to be stuck to the lightly oiled piece of wood so I decided after I redid the calligraphy on slightly thicker watercolor paper WITH waterproof ink, I would just stick with the tried and true PVA glue.
Lovely folks helped me decide between upper right hand corner or center placement and I'm really happy with the decision.
The inside is a torn down to size piece of an 22 x 30 Arches cold press 90lb watercolor paper, because with all my fanARTifact projects, especially the books, I like them to be usable objects in the end. I was SO fucking careful with my measuring and scoring and folding with this project y'all and I think I deserve a cookie.
I only used one piece folded up because I wanted the book to be able to remain flat/closed when it's not being used, but I think when I try this again, I will maybe try two pieces? Who knows. Certainly not me.
After all the stress of the calligraphy and the glue experiments gone wrong, it was finally assembled and put in my press with copious amounts of wax paper to protect everything.
In conclusion, this was a hell of a fun project and maybe the fastest I've ever seen a fanARTifact come together from start to finish. But I suppose one of the good things about learning all these new skills from each one of these projects will just make them come together easier (???) each time. I would love to get a nice calligraphy brush, some Xuan paper, and some ink and an inkstone to try a project like this again in the future.
I also want to try a scroll (which this should have been), stab binding, AND dragon scale binding. But, ya know, one step at a time yadda yadda.
Thank you, @achray1 for writing such wonderful, inspiring fics. And as always, if you made it to the end of my long ass posts, you deserve a cookie. 💛
#fanARTifact#fanARTifacts#fangs of fortune#大梦归离#fanbinding#bookbinding#the story of mystics#cdrama#highlynerdy makes#zhou yichen#zhao yuanzhou#li lun#handmade books#the zyc/zyz/ll ship has eaten my brain#though there are so many god tier ships in this show#and i say this was fast#but in reality is still looks probably 12 hours total to do from start to finish#it just seemed fast because my adhd ass was hyperfocused on it so hard the last two days#also! if i got the mandarin really wrong then please tell me!
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Since we're on the subject of Harvey being biracial, I think his pops really hated that.
Actual mentions of real-world prejudice, abuse, etc below! Please do not trip over this line if these things are triggering for you.
I feel like the elephant in the room is
>'but his wife was black'
Racism doesn't actually preclude a person from pursuing a relationship outside their race. But that is dissertation paper material and not fictional character blog material. Do not @ me for a dissertation or I will literally find one for you.
>But Halekulani why discuss real life nastiness when you're writing fiction?
Because I motherfucking w a n t to.
Anyway, Harv's dad would use any and all excuses to smack his son across the floor and then make an effort to 'make it up' to him before doing it again the next night and he would definitely dip into the 'you're [insert offensive hateful stereotypical shit here] because you have your mother's blood in you, etc.'
so, literally punishing him for something not under his control and something that isn't in any way a bad thing - but Harvey can never be 'normal' or acceptable to pops because he's not, y'know - white.
Harvey's father made him feel like he was split all the way down to his DNA, like there was something inherently wrong with who he was that he continuously had to make up for.
And there isn't. There is nothing - absolutely NOTHING - inherently wrong with him, or his mother, or his identity.
He gets that now, as an adult, that his father was just a fucking nasty, horrible, alcoholic, abusive, prejudiced, controlling asshole that needed to lord his authority over anyone that trusted him and anyone he thought he could bully.
But damn, sometimes it still hits. He wonders if he's speaking 'right' or if it's 'too much'. He wonders if his clothes are too reserved or too 'try-hard'.
And it sucks.
Yes, I just read GCPD : The Blue Wall. Why do you ask? [shaking, crying]
#things i wrote at 3am on a Thursday#tw racism#tw child abuse#tw spousal abuse#like this is some nasty stuff#and i wouldn't dare write about it had i not witnessed my own very loving mother#making what she thought were harmless statements about myself and my father#that were actually not that harmless#its okay we're all good now#it's just yknow#i'm not talking entirely out of my own ass#rambling#long post#no one is awake to read this so im safe right
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My homunculus
Hashtag my homunculus
#diy plush#i think i was overcomplicating the bodies. like. most basic plush body shape is fine. who gives a shit#also i am maybe regretting the felt for the head... you can see the wear on her already.#alfonse is holding up really well bc his felt was thicker. HUGE pain in the ass to work with#but it did end up making him super sturdy!#i have been thinking of going back and fixing sharena's head (you can see it's misshapen too)#but like. i actually have no idea where i'd start w that. aside from adjusting the shape beneath the head#but i have no idea how i'd fix the issue of her material without like. having to re-do her completely.#at their core these two really are fuck around and find out plushies. i'm learning the importance#of what material to pick and for what purpose.#unfortunately i am gonna do something different for alfonse's body too. the initial one i made#while super cute and i still love the back stitching. i need to readjust proportions#esp if i'm gonna be layering materials for clothes. ESP on this small of a scale.#i have a test run body on alfonse rn that i'm not entirely sold on either. proportions are right#but the craftsmenship is shoddy on it. so. split on even showing it.#also i did succumb to cheating w a sewing machine. which! i need more practice w anyway.#esp if i want to make bigger plushies in the future actually. so. at this point i was just avoiding it#also don't mind the stray pages there LMFAOO one is a comic i already posted and was reffing#for other comics i've been doing. really cool i have like. a backlog of stuff i can ref of my own work actually#i am soooooo obsessed w paneling and placement... nobody talks about paneling and placement......#sharena
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*clutching head* rodya and meursault would have such a good dynamic actually
I wonder if rodya would initially see meursault's indifference as like. a simpler version of her own feigned carefreeness and as a deliberate attempt to place himself as an outsider... only to realise that No, he really Is just Like That. and then she gets annoyed because it turns out that people who don't care about anything don't seem to be any fun.
(ofc he does actually care about a lot of things, just not necessarily his grander place in the world lol)
idk. nihilism vs absurdism. fun duo 👍 rodya would find meursault's genuine comfort with being a speck of dust in the universe baffling, while he would probably find her desire to assert her own importance pointless, but they could probably bond over little things like their shared desire to live in the present and appreciation of/indulgence in earthly joys. and meursault would probably listen if rodya wants to rant about anything without asking any uncomfortable questions. I think they could appreciate each other's presence.
#slamming my conspiracy board#listen it's not my fault meursault vibes with literally the entire female cast#rodya enjoyers help me out here please I haven't read crime and punishment am I talking out of my ass#I just think it'd be kind of interesting if like. rodya kills someone for a very specific reason (to assert herself as special)#while meursault kills someone for seemingly no good reason#but because of time place circumstance etc#meursault is the one made out to be the outsider to society#while rodya goes unacknowledged and all her motives backfire#like I'm not saying that meursault has Exactly what rodya wants or anything#but I think he Does possess a level of guiltlessness that she was trying to achieve through her self-confidence#also I find it interesting how pride is like. a big thing for both of them#like they both have excessive belief in themselves and their own abilities. in rodya it manifests as self-confidence or I guess. an ego#while in meursault it's more about. a belief in his own interpretation of the world rather than himself as a person? I hope that makes sens#also they both reject collectivist ideas which is. fun#neither of them perform to what a society would expect from them but for rodya it's an active effort to assert her individuality#while meursault just Doesn't Get societal conventions from the get-go unless they're explained to him#I think they also both tend to project a lot 💀 meursault expects his own indifference from others while rodya projects her own#experiences onto others' and makes assumptions based on that before knowing the full details#txt#limbus company#I feel too embarrassed to add more specific tags ngl 💀 💀 💀#lcb meursault#lcb rodion#lcb rodya#nvm. feelings of cringe are for Losers I am Strong
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You ever have a fellow mentally ill person basically call you ableist for not being able to be there for them anymore?
Like, my brother in christ, we are both suffering here. What am I supposed to do? Prioritize only you and hurt myself?
Guilting me (and my friends) by saying your disorder "isn't pretty enough for you" is accusatory and manipulative. I̲t̲'̲s̲ ̲n̲o̲t̲ ̲t̲h̲e̲ ̲t̲r̲u̲t̲h̲. It's only hurtful, and doesn't make helping you any easier.
It doesn't matter if your disorder is stigmatized; you don't get to start basically implying people are ableist for not being able to constantly be tolerant and be supportive of you.
People run out of spoons! People have other shit going on outside of you!! OTHER PEOPLE ARE ALSO DISABLED BY THEIR MENTAL ILLNESSES!!
If they leave, it's not because your disorder is "ugly." It's because they have their own priorities.
#caster speaks#I don't care who sees this#not even the person I'm talking about#they can be angry about it#they wrote an entire poem. I can write vagueposts on tumblr.#vent#mental health#ableism#depression#PDD#Persistent depressive disorder#how do you fumble the bag with so many people who genuinely wanted to see you get better#oh wait! Accuse them of rushing you and putting expectations on you and also being ableist#even though two of those things were self imposed by your own image of others#I am bitter as fuck but I do hopethings go well for them#I did not bust my ass for literaly years to quit wanting a motherfucker's mental health journey to go good#I swear to god though#if they and the people who defend them keep ignoring all the shit people went through#or excusing their actions#on the grounds of trauma#except for when literally anyone else does shit because of trauma and distress#like damn at least do both#and quit calling people abusers too when you literally implode when it's aimed back at you#both members of a party can be abusive#did malachite teach you nothing#bruh#I'm so fucking tired#I needed to just scream all of this out so I can finally be left ALONE in my own head#AAAAAAAAAAUGHHHhhh#self victimizing
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my top 3 rn are: collision, get lit, & hall of fame
#adri.fav#skz's#5-star#fnf and item are two close calls#no honestly this whole album is a no-skip like what they've put out since#i have so many favorite parts in each song that just tickles my brain in a very unique and distinct way#first of all. the TRUMPETS in collision han jisung u are fucking insane i need to kiss his brain and him on the mouth#also ever since the unveil for get lit i have never stopped obsessing w that bass drop i can't wait to own big ass speakers#so i can get mad w that track#hyunjin's SWERVE SWERVE part i HATE him#hall of fame. what more can i say the chorus sold me immediately#but the entire concept of it is just so genius and the fact that it's the intro?????? we love her i love her#so many lines and parts in that song are my favorite bc why is felix singing “Shaking the industry Quaking reality”#is the exact representation of what they've been doing now.#now we're gonna talk abt s-class. jisung's verse. the dance break. i have more. i needed a few days to recover from that and#it's actually the perfect tt for this cb#item. it's a song where no other group can recreate or do. period.#THE BINSUNG PART?????????? pussy part thank u i lost my shit entirely#superbowl. no i'm not gonna talk abt this song. NEXT#topline has met and exceeded all my expectations it's incredible. they way they talked abt multiple kinds of lines and#incorporating it into the song????????? god their lyricism is always on point#i had to like go back to see where was tiger jk in that song bc the transition from him to jisung was so smooth they sounded like one perso#dlc. changbin i love u#this song makes me wanna just be gay and do crimes. literally#fnf i love her so much she's a blessing#reading the lyrics to this was so bittersweet and like i watched the intro and having multiple interpretations to it#makes it even more heartbreaking#the bit towards the end w minho singing is sososososo beautiful#youtiful. my skz.................... she's such a pretty and healing song and so straightforward and sincere#nah it's no big deal i definitely did not cry over her like a baby
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Gotta say as someone whos been out since they were young, I'm really sick of having to defend the existence of queer people in media and explain how it's 'useful' or 'plot important' when straight ppl i know can like whatever trashy het romance they want no questions. Like does it have to be useful? Can it not just be there? It doesn't 'cheapen' anything its just there and suddenly you have to fight for your life to explain why it should get to exist. And it's always the bloody 'pandering' 'it's a trend' argument and I hate it because is it so terrible if they pander to ME for once instead of you?? Is that so terrible?? But you can't say that because then you're a fool who doesn't understand good storytelling. And then if they're real annoying, they'll pull the 'well i don't like when ANY romance is just pushed in' so then why. Is it always queer stuff you're complaining about?? And then I'm forced to be defending a (honestly poorly written) queer romance because all I said was that it couldve been handled better and somehow to straight ppl that translate to 'yeah they shouldn't have done it at all' and they don't even REALISE their bias and that SOMEHOW the ONLY FUCKING TIME we have this arguement it's about a queer character. Can I not enjoy the fact a superhero I like is bisexual while also admitting I don't like how they flattened their character after it? Can I not say 'yeah it's trashy but theyre cute' to some crap TV show? Does it always have to be perfect? Because yeah. I want good shows. I want complex dynamics. But sometimes it just feels nice when the silly comic book character is bisexual. And these motherfuckers will ALWAYS find some way to argue that it wasn't relevant and therefore they shouldn't have come out at all, which is just another way of saying that queerness should be kept away from the things they like and only be included if 'plot relevant' so then they can avoid it. I'm just so tired, so so fucking tired, of having the same argument over. And over. And over again with the same people about the same things when all I wanted to do was talk about a bisexual character WITHOUT some asshole jumping down my throat. I've been doing this shit since I was 12 and I'm just tired. Christ.
#'forced' my ass#If you can't tell i made the mistake of talking about comics to my dad#He's not like. Homophobic. He's just dumb and has internal biases he does not care to check unless he's drunk#And unfortunately I caught him before he opened the whiskey while he was still on beer :/ my mistake honestly#Also I know that it sounds like I go out of my way to pick fights (according to dad anyway) but I really dont#All I fucking said was 'yeah I like that they're bisexual but i don't like that they flattened their character afterwards'#'it's like they decided being bisexual and in a relationship was enough of a substitute for personality'#Which yeah I should have seen that coming but I wasn't wrong#Unfortunately he took it to mean that being bisexual is what ruined it and had no idea a character could be well written AND bisexual#When its not the bisexuality it's the writing and also! Entirely my own opinion! Other ppl think differently to me!#Just sucks when he's my dad and I have to make a compelling argument for why people like me should get to exist in fiction at all#Fuck that though I'm gonna write some big story and they're all gonna come out as bisexual for no reason just out of spite#Just one by one everyone becomes bisexual and what can he do? Complain about it?#Because mum would tear him a new asshole if he tried that shit in front of her#Anyway. Yeah. Probs was my fault because I shouldn't have mentioned the bi thing#I was just happy about it even if it wasn't up to my standards#It was silly of me. I might not have picked a fight deliberately but it was my fault#It's just frustrating because every 'plot important' bisexual is some seductress who swings both ways for their own benefit#There's no variety but it's the ONLY type of bisexual I haven't heard ppl complain about#Vent#Sorry abt this I'm just tired and angry and bisexual#(said like that isn't my default state)
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@sharkapologists ah. I see the tism bit me in the ass again. Carry on!
i swear some of the polls on this site look like
#lmao! XD#i did in fact read the first line#i also took the reply they gave LITERALLY#I also just found out the other day that “Takes everything literally” DOESN'T LITERALLY MEAN EVERYTHING and just means more than normal#i have become one with the autism#please save me#the tags went on an on and on! XD#at least I'm immune to feeling embarrassed about this shit anymore#this is just a tuesday for me#Oh yall say I missed the point? Round two electric boogaloo mother fucker let's go!#I'm not entirely sure how I never was confused screaming over Goncharov because I am the PERFECT target for that shit XD#Lesson of the day: It's okay to misinterpret stuff. It's okay to make mistakes at any age. It's okay to laugh at yourself (/pos).#That's literally how we learn and grow folks!#The minute you start being scared of looking like a dumbass is the minute you stop learning#Yall know how many people my age are so against being the dumb one in the room that it feels like working with ten year old old software!?#you can have a CD drive AND updated OS#you can suck at new tech and need to look up words to understand the context#you can be neurodivergant and... ya know... diverge from the norm? because you are literally built different and shit happens#I'm laughing my ass off at this and how SINCERE my tag addition was because... why wouldn't I?#what i said was genuine and i wasn't a dick about anything#so omg PLEASE point out when I try to eat my own foot again (which will happen eventually)#i find it endearing and sweet ^_^#autism#actually autistic#bluewind talks
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bitches be getting me all hyped up drawing c!paul and future!tom standing next to one another and uploading that with a link to a fanfiction and i click and check the tags and it's just another boring-ass basic bitch-ass "ooh c!tom and c!tord fall in love during the war" stockholm syndrome-ass fanfiction
#say what you want about DS at least they get together of their own accord and also c!tord fucking dies at the end#so as far as i'm concerned it's the best fucking tomxtord fanfiction of all time#tord talks // larsson#<-yea that's how im differentiating my tag from the fuckin cartoon tord in the sys. ill call him c!tord too like a fuckin smp character too#<- also i'm still bitter about his popularity and what happened to me after i left the show#<- this also means i'm probably the most source-compliant larsson alter out there. NOT THAT THAT'S A GOOD THING. IT'S FUCKIN TERRIBLE#<- IT FUCKING SUCKS SO BAD BEING THIS TRAUMATIZED ASS NORWEGIAN MAN IN HIS THIRTIES#<- AND FUCKIN HAVING FORMED BECAUSE THE HOST WENT THROUGH HIS OWN HARASSMENT#<- AND MOSTLY FRONTING WHEN EXPERIENCING ANYTHING THAT VAGUELY REMINDS US OF EITHER MY OR HIS TRAUMA#<-I HATE MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE AND I WISH I COULD GO FUCKING DORMANT FOREVER AND LEAVE SOMEONE ELSE TO DEAL WITH THESE WRECKS WE CALL OUR BOD#OUR BODY AND OUR LIFE#<- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S FRONT TRIGGERED ME TONIGHT ALL I KNOW IS I'M PANICKY AND UPSET AND UGHHHHH#FÆN FÆN FÆN#JEG HATER DET. JEG HATER ALLE DET SÅ MYE#beklager. jeg beklager.#getting a bit ranty in the tags like a fucking jackass.#>.<#also yes i'm a c!tomXc!paul shipper#mostly out of spite towards cc!tom (for doing what he did in legaacy. releasing the end and bringing my char back and shit)#and all the fucking tomXtord fangirls (and yes i mean shipping both c!tomxc!tord and also shipping cc!tomXcc!tord/the fuckin rpf shit)#but also very slightly because cute rarepair.
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Networking/Knowing A Guy: A Guide
This is the autism website. Now, as an extension of the power of love and friendship, there are few things more useful than Knowing A Guy. Knowing A Guy means you have a support network. Knowing a plumber, or a tax accountant, or just that one dude that's really fucking good at finding the information you need when you're really overwhelmed, can be the difference between being able to pay rent and having a fun party with friends to fix your shit.
How does one end up Knowing A Guy? It's a skill you can develop called Networking and it is one of the foundations of society. Unfortunately making those connections with people is fucking hard and nobody makes a tutorial for it. So, here you go:
The golden rule is you scratch my back and I scratch yours
It is necessary for survival to seek out useful people
Great news! Everyone is useful in some form or fashion - including you! When given the opportunity to learn about someone, do it! Extroversion does not come naturally to some people and that's okay. Just take whatever falls in your lap.
Types of usefulness: trade skills, connections of their own, personality you jive with, pleasant to talk to, niche interest in shared hobby, security - the list is pretty much endless. I know a guy that lives in the metro area - no job, no major hobbies, inoffensively annoying to me personally, kinda ignorant, not attractive to me, but you know what? He knows how the fuck to get around the city by foot. My rural-raised ass APPRECIATES the guide.
Remember important information: general personality, background, skillset, likes and dislikes. You can find this information by making smalltalk about their life. There is no such thing as pointless conversation. (Yes, even the annoying smalltalk)
The more people you know, the higher the likelihood that one of them will be useful in a given situation - or will know someone who is.
It is overwhelming. In a given clique/community/workspace/whatever, there is A Guy Who Knows The Other Guys. This Guy is a shortcut. Find them. They're often elderly, extroverted, a little bit annoying, a secretary or in some otherwise forward-facing position. Look for people that are gossipy/talk about other people a lot but not in negative ways. If they constantly talk shit, they'll talk shit about you too. They're still useful but be careful with the information you share
You do not have to like someone for them to be useful.
You do not have to like someone for them to be useful.*
If you have low self esteem, you're going to feel like you're using people. You're not. That's the devil talking. People like feeling valued and the connections you are making are the threads holding community together. Recognize people for their talents. It's only a problem when you're taking advantage of people
So: don't feel scummy about it. You're an animal. You have to claw out your right to survive and people will respect you more for it.
Luckily mutualism is the name of the game in the animal kingdom. Offer something back. The foundation of a Know A Guy relationship is Mutual Benefit
Sometimes that Mutual Benefit is just spreading news of the The Guy far and wide. My plumber friend is my actual friend and I love her to death, but I'm maintaining our backscratch relationship by pimping out her plumbing business to anyone that'll listen
Food is a good Mutual Benefit. People across cultures for all of human history have bonded over food. I have good success asking people for a favor and then offering to buy them lunch in return **
General compensation is also good. Offer a service in return and always do your best to offer financial compensation as appropriate. Having your plumber friend take a look at your drain: doable with a case of beer. Having your plumber friend redo the pipes in your entire house? You need to pay for that.
Being transactional is not necessarily a bad thing. I would advise against keeping an itemized list of things owed, but fish don't seek out cleaner shrimp just because they enjoy their company. Everyone gets something
Unfortunately being extroverted and generally personable is a huge benefit here, but that's the value of the Guy That Knows A Guy. There's someone out there that has consolidated All The Guys so you don't have to be the local expert. Always remember nobody can do everything and you don't need to master every skill
* This is the foundation of a functioning community. I have many acquaintances that I find incredibly annoying. They include doctors, welders, artists, social workers, lawyers, construction crew and random fuckers at the grocery store. I do not hang out with them. I do not have to in order to maintain a civil Know A Guy relationship. I can drop them useful tidbits and fuck right off so I don't have to spend any more time than necessary with them
** People may assume romantic intent. Be prepared for that. I generally denote that it's a friendly/work lunch by calling them bro at some point if they're my age. Otherwise my general demeanor is sufficient to show that I do this with everyone
Source: personal experience, mother's teachings of crime, booth vending and poverty
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