#i'm not still not totally happy with it but just keep reminding myself done is better than perfect

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman - Part 8

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternate Universe : Military School

Words :

TW: Alcohol

Masterlist

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Saturday, October 24; 9:05 AM - Ona's Room

I try to get out of bed without waking anyone around me. Damn camp habits. Bronze had warned me that I'd get into a new rhythm. Now I'm like clockwork at ridiculous hours. I used to wake up around noon, not nine! Once I'm out of bed without a hitch, I grab some clothes from my closet and lock myself in the bathroom. With everything that happened last night, I didn't have the courage to take a shower before bed. So, I start my day by letting myself relax under the warm water jets. I take my time since the Mapi and Joan certainly won't be awake for a good hour. It's the calm before the storm. Joan promised me a surprise if I came back. That's probably still on since the others knew I was coming back. Hopefully, he hasn't invited the whole family. He loves everyone, unlike me. I get out of the shower after fifteen minutes. I don't risk turning on the hairdryer with the two sleepyheads, so I dry off with just a towel. I get dressed and brush my teeth. I finish with a touch of makeup before going downstairs. It's time to see the others. I'm glad not to run into my mom or Marcus on the way. However, I smile when I see Samuel and Sofia in the kitchen. My smile widens at the sight of their faces.

"Oh my God,Ona!" says Sam, hugging me. "Happy birthday!"

"Already awake!?" Sofia is surprised. "Happy birthday, sweetie."

"Thanks, that's kind of you," I reply, hugging her in turn. "I missed you guys."

"And we missed you! Everything's been so quiet since you left."

"No one to bother us," Sofia adds.

"I'm only here for two days, but I plan to make up for it," I tease them.

"No doubt," laughs Sam. "Do you want your breakfast now, or are you waiting for the girls?"

"Given when they'll wake up, I'll have it now."

He nods with a smile and gets to work. I find my spot at the bar. I no longer insist that I can cook for myself. He always brushes me off when I do. He keeps telling me it's his job. It's true, but it makes me feel like I'm being pampered. I hate that idea because it reminds me that I won't be able to do anything when I leave home. I won't complain either. His dishes are delicious. They have nothing to do with camp food. Besides, it's nice to do nothing, so might as well enjoy it.

"Since when do you get up so early? That's not like you," Sofia comments.

"I've been like clockwork for a week. Curfew at ten PM and wake-up at six. I guess I haven't lost the habit."

"Isn't it too hard?"Samuel replies

"No, it's fine. I prefer it this way. »

"Seen like that... Knowing you, you probably slept the whole way."

"Yeah," I chuckle. "Thanks," I say when he places my breakfast in front of me.

"You're welcome, miss," he teases with a wink.

He made me a cup of hot chocolate and a homemade croissant. Everyone would say there's not much difference from my camp breakfast, but for me, it's a big change. Sam knows how to perfectly dose my hot chocolate, and his homemade croissant is life. I savor it all, letting out a sigh of satisfaction.

"Did you miss it?" he chuckles.

"Totally, yeah!"

"I'm flattered," he says, making me smile.

"Have you received any birthday messages?" Sofia asks.

"I was about to check now."

"What? You haven't checked yet?" she exclaims. "My God, what have they done to our Ona?"

I chuckle lightly. I was asking myself the same thing, actually. I'm much less on my phone. I no longer have the reflex to check it upon waking up due to our fifteen-minute preparation time. I suspect the school did it on purpose to give us such a short deadline. I should have asked Bronze; she would have answered me. It's like the shower. We had to change our habit with Alexia and take it in the evening to be at ease. Anyway, I decide to take out my phone, which is swamped with social media notifications and messages. I start with the messages. Alexia, Leah , Alba... All my camp friends thought of me. They're so sweet! I also have other messages from old friends here, which really pleases me. I take the time to reply to everyone while chatting about trivial things with Sam and Sofia . I talk to them about my new life while they tell me about Joan's antics since I left. It seems he doesn't stop. He's decided to avenge my departure by being a perfect little rascal. He throws fits over nothing and barely listens to my mom or Marcus. Sofia or Sam often have to step in. I think he's decided to follow my example, which I don't really like. I'll need to have a little chat with him. Speaking of him, he just walked in and immediately comes over to me.

"Hi Oni ."

"Hello little rascal. Slept well?"

"Yes! Mapi is still sleeping."

"Let her sleep, she'll be down soon."

"Can I have my breakfast please ?" he asks Samuel.

"I'll bring it to the dining room in five minutes."

"Can't I have it here?" he pouts. "I want to stay with you!"

"Of course you can. Come, I'll put you in the chair next to me."

"I want to sit on your lap!"

"Alright, alright, as you wish," I laugh. "Come here."

I lift him under the arms and easily place him on my lap. I hold him with one hand and grab my cup with the other so Sam can put Joan's plate instead of mine, which is now empty. I smile as he starts telling me about the weeks I missed while eating. Of course, I don't hear any of his mischief from his mouth. I prefer not to spoil the moment and deal with that problem later. Mapi finally shows up around 10:30. I expected to see her later.

"When did you get up?"

"Nine o'clock."

"Good God, they must have brainwashed you," she grumbles, sitting next to me.

"Don't you start too," I laugh.

"Are you staying for breakfast, Mapi ?" Sam asks.

"What kind of question is that!"

I giggle, finding the question as silly as Mapi does. She's like the third daughter of the family, after all. I wait for her to finish her breakfast while chatting. Joan abandoned us halfway to go upstairs. I don't comment on it, but I feel like something's up.

"Maps?"

"Hmm?" she replies with her mouth full.

"What does Jo have planned?"

"Nothing, why?"

"We both know you can't lie."

"Stop being impatient, you'll see."

"Mapi..." I say, making puppy dog eyes.

"No, no need for that face! I'm not telling you anything!"

I sigh, pouting, making her smile. She used to be easier to convince, in my memories.

"By the way," she says.

"Yeah?"

"We're going out tonight."

"You're not serious?"

"I am, and it's non-negotiable. You haven't been to a party since-"

"A year and a half," I finish her sentence.

"I was going to say a century, but it's almost the same. Come on, please! It can only do you good!" she says, giving me puppy dog eyes.

"Stop imitating me," I say, her expression worsening. "Oh, you're annoying! Fine, you win," I grumble.

She lets out a cry of joy and does a dance in the middle of the kitchen. It stops quickly when my mom enters the room. It's the first time we've seen each other since my troubled departure, which didn't end particularly well.

"Oh, hi Abby," she blushes.

"Hi Mapi, it's been a while," she says before turning to me. "Happy birthday, Ona," she says hesitantly.

"Thanks."

I won't ruin my birthday by venting my hateful thoughts. My voice betrays me slightly. It's not like we have a good relationship to begin with. Everything just got worse when she decided to send me across the country.

"How's school?" she asks.

"Oh, great, Mom," I say sarcastically. "If you wanted me to be monitored all the time, you nailed it!"

She sighs at my anger that I couldn't hold back any longer. What a question to ask! She finally gives up on the conversation and turns to Mapi.

"And you, Mapi ? How's your leg?"

"Good, I'd say. I still don't have any pain for now."

"That's at least some good news... See you later, girls," she finishes, leaving the room.

My mom has been Mapi's doctor since we met. She had an accident with her parents when she was little. She came out with a slightly disabled leg. They developed a special bond. My mom is certainly closer to Mapi than to me. It's ironic, given that Mapi doesn't have this bond with her parents. She left their house at the first opportunity. I'm glad she found this bond with my mom, but I'm also jealous. She got the maternal instinct from my mom that I didn't get. As long as it doesn't stop Mapi from listening to me when I complain about my mom, I don't care about their relationship.

"Shall we get ready?"

"I'm already ready, Mapi."

"Are you kidding? Your hair is a mess. And don't tell me you're going to spend the day in jeans and a shirt?" she criticizes, looking me over.

"Hey! My outfit is perfect!"

"There's no way you're staying like that on your birthday! Come on, get up!"

"Oh, please Maps, shut up. You sound like my camp supervisor."

She forces me off my chair, laughing. I let her drag me to my room. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm not going to enjoy what's next.

Saturday, October 24; 11:35 AM - Ona's Room

Mapi has been hogging my bathroom for a while now, even though the shower hasn't been running for some time. Knowing her, I probably have a bit more time before she comes out. She made me put on a dress. Me, in a dress! It's been ages since I last wore one. But that's the least of my worries right now. I was lying on the bed, enjoying the quiet, when I had the brilliant idea to charge my headphones for the return flight. So, I took them out, but I also came across another gift that I had completely forgotten about. Bronze's gift... I wondered why I listened to her and didn’t open it right away. I could have easily done it in the taxi without her knowing.

"What's that?" Mapi snaps me out of my bubble.

"A gift."

"Thanks, I figured that out," she replies sarcastically. "From whom?"

"My supervisor," I sigh.

"Sexy commander?"

"Stop calling her that," I scold, giving her a dark look.

"Oh my! What are you waiting for to open it?"

"I don't know."

"Want me to do it for you?"

"No!" I reply much too quickly.

"Well, do it then."

I feel ridiculous for not doing it, but I'm disturbed. I don't know what to expect; she doesn't know me. I sigh and start to carefully unwrap the paper under Mapi's watchful eye. Besides, she already contributed to the headphones. It's silly for her to give me a second gift. Mapi mocks my slowness, but I don't let it bother me. I frown as I finally see the contents. For now, I'm only paying attention to the small card placed on top of the box. I turn it over to find a note. I smile, recognizing her handwriting that I've seen several times during my tidying in her office.

"After so much effort... A well-deserved reward! Hoping you'll continue down this path. Happy birthday, Ona. - L. B."

My smile doesn't leave my face. L. B.? So her first name starts with an "L"? The "B" surely stands for her last name. I place the card next to me on the bed and remove the lid of the box to discover the rest. I'm left speechless.

"Wow. Sexy Commander really went all out! This stuff isn't cheap, is it?"

"No... She’s insane!"

I can’t believe my eyes. It’s my favorite brand for drawing supplies. One of the most expensive for its quality. Even Mapi recognizes it, having come with me to buy it before. It's a set with different pencils, pens, and brushes of all sizes. She also included a sketchbook underneath. There’s everything needed to create artworks. It's a real treat for an amateur artist like me.

"She must really like you to give you all this."

"That's not really the case," I laugh. "We were at war for three weeks. I even went so far as to trash her room. Didn't I tell you?"

"Yes, you did," she laughs. "But she wouldn’t have given you such a gift if she didn’t like you at least a little! Seriously, this stuff costs a fortune!"

I can't argue with her. She must have spent quite a bit. Not to mention her contribution to the headphones. They’re worth at least two hundred euros, and I doubt the others managed to pitch in that much between the six of them. We’re interrupted by my brother entering my room without knocking.

"Ona? When are you coming down?"

"We’re coming right away," Mapi answers for me. "Just let your sister put away her new toys."

"Ha ha ha!"

I remove the wrapping to throw it away before packing my new supplies into my backpack. I plan to take this one to camp. I have everything I need here, unlike there. I unplug my now charged headphones and put them in the bag.

"We can go."

Nothing could make my brother happier. He pulls me as hard as he can out of my room. Mapi follows behind us after closing my door.

"Hurry up!"

"Calm down, Joan. There's no rush!"

"She’s using my old expressions!"

I look up as my foot touches the ground floor. The shock stops me in my tracks. I’d recognize that voice anywhere. My eyes well up when I see him in person before me. I never expected to see him here again.

"You're ruining your makeup," Mapi whispers to me.

I ignore the comment meant to make me laugh. I don't want to spoil this important moment. I go to my grandfather, who takes me in his arms. It’s been two years since I last saw him. All my emotions pour out once again.

"Grandpa!"

"You haven't changed a bit," he says, making me smile.

I can't believe he made the trip from Portugal just to see me. It’s insane! I’ve always been very close to him because he bears a striking resemblance to my father, both physically and mentally. We share a very special bond, just like I did with my father.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Did you think we’d miss our granddaughter’s birthday?"

I turn towards the other voice to see my maternal grandmother. I smile warmly at her. It’s not that I love her any less, far from it. She’s just as adorable as my grandfather. But she lives in Barcelona, so I see her much more often than him. I still greet her with a hug, happy to see her here.

"How about we celebrate Ona’s birthday and chat over a drink in the living room?"

We all agree to Marcus' suggestion. I hadn't even noticed him enter the hall. Joan impatiently drags me to the next room. In the end, I might really enjoy this birthday. I'm still on bad terms with my mom and Marcus, but I put my resentment aside for this moment. The atmosphere was tense at first, but Mapi is here to lighten things up. She’s great at diffusing awkward situations. Joan also helps by talking non-stop. That’s how the conversation topics emerged. We talked about daily life and then reminisced about past years. The festivities were kicked off by my grandfather sharing stories from when I lived in Portugal or visited on vacations. Mapi had a good laugh at some of the stories. I'm the first to laugh as I remember them. We’re interrupted by Sam announcing that the meal is ready. We move to the dining room where a perfectly set table awaits. The only times I’ve eaten here are for celebrations like today. I can count them on my fingers. I smile when I see the dish. Sam prepared paella, one of my favorite dishes. He knows my tastes well from cooking for me. The good mood continues through dinner. It’s the first time there’s been so much cheer in this room. Usually, it witnesses crises or arguments. That’s one reason I rarely set foot in here. It’s where I learned about my departure to Manchester , for example. I'm delighted that today’s event changes things for this place. I’m happy to be surrounded by my loved ones today.

Saturday, October 24th; 9:30 PM - Barcelona Street.

I sigh for the umpteenth time since we left the house. I try my best to keep up with Mapi, who is ahead of me.

“Slow down!” I shout. “It’s bad enough that you made me come out, but you’re also making me wear heels. The least you could do is wait for me! These things are a death trap!”

“Didn’t they teach you to complain less in that damn school of yours?” Mapi teases.

“Ha ha ha! Very funny. You know it’s my specialty, and it will never be taken away from me!”

Focusing too much on my feet, I bump into Mapi’s back as she suddenly stops without warning. I look up and realize we’ve arrived. It’s not hard to figure out with the loud music blasting from the house across the street.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. This is our Party?”

“Yep!”

“A college party, really? At our old high school friends’ house, no less?” I grumble.

“I figured going to a familiar place would be best… Oh, come on, don’t make that face! I told them about your big return, and they were all thrilled to know you’d be coming tonight.”

“Damn it, Maps…”

“Relax a bit. You need this night out, and we both know it.”

She stops me from protesting by pulling my arm. I attempt to walk as normally as possible in my heels. I hate wearing these things. Mapi knows I never walk very straight in them. I’m usually all about flat shoes. As soon as we step inside, the music pounds in my ears. I wonder how I ended up here. I doubt it’s a good idea. It’s been so long since I’ve been to a party. I already regret giving in to my best friend’s puppy-dog eyes. I regret it even more as we approach the host and my old high school friends, whom I abandoned years ago.

“Hey, look who it is!”

I timidly step forward from behind Mapi, who is still holding me firmly. She must know that if she let go, I’d already be running away. Especially since Nathan Miller, the host, makes me uncomfortable with his comment.

“Hi everyone! As promised, I brought our favorite girl.”

“Hey…” I say timidly. “Good to see you all…”

“You too, sweetheart. I hope you haven’t forgotten us after all this time!”

Why was I so worried? They have every reason to hate me, but they don’t. Maybe because they’re all guys. Let’s face it, they’re less complicated in friendships. I smile at Kyle’s comment and feel the pressure lift from my shoulders. I didn’t expect to see him here. I eagerly await Mapi’s explanation for this. They all surprise me by wishing me a happy birthday. Mapi must have reminded them before we came. It still makes me happy.

“Ana didn’t come with you tonight?” Bryan asks.

“No. She was supposed to, but she ended up at another party. She wanted me to go with her, but I chose to spend the weekend with Ona. By the way,” she says. “She wants to meet you when you come back,” she tells me.

“No problem, I’m looking forward to it.”

“She’s a real nutcase, don’t be too eager to meet her,” Connor whispers to me.

“Hey, I heard that!” Mapi retorts. “Don’t call my girlfriend crazy, or you’ll see!”

“Well, you have to be a bit crazy to date you, don’t you think?”

“Are you implying you’re crazy, by any chance?”

“Oh, but I’ve always claimed that, haven’t I?” I join in.

“All right, 1-0, Batlle,” she says, making me smile. “We’re going for a walk, we’ll catch up with you later.”

“No worries, see you later, girls,” Nathan replies.

I just lifted a weight off my shoulders seeing them. We hadn’t seen each other since the end of high school, yet nothing has changed. They were my last group of friends before my downfall and ghosting them. I thought no one would want to talk to me anymore, but they don’t seem to hold it against me.

“What’s Kyle Wick doing here? Have I missed that much?”

“Oh yes,” she laughs. “Let’s get a drink before we go outside to talk. Does that sound good?”

I nod, and we head to the table serving as a drink buffet. Numerous red and blue cups are arranged there. We grab two clean red cups, and I let Mapi serve us. That was always her role when we went to parties. She probably knows my tastes in alcohol better than I do. She hands me my cup and surprises me by also handing me a bottle of coke. I smile, seeing that she’s holding a bottle of orange juice and vodka under her arm. Well, she’s right. Might as well enjoy it if I’m already here. We head outside, where there are fewer people. Luckily, two lounge chairs by the pool are free. We sit next to each other. I finally take a big gulp of my drink, closing my eyes as it burns my throat. Mapi laughs at me. There’s a reason to laugh. I haven’t had a drop in a long time, and it feels great!

“So, what do I need to know?”

“Hmm, well… let’s see…” she pretends to think. “First, Miller and Bryan are dating.”

I spit out the liquid I was supposed to swallow. My head quickly turns to Mapi. She answers before I can open my mouth.

“Yeah, I was as shocked as you are,” she giggles. “They confessed their love for each other a year ago now. We were all stunned. I chose not to tell you at the time… You were in the middle of… well, you know.”

“Yes, I understand… Oh my god,” I laugh in shock. “I didn’t see that coming and, I didn’t expect to see him here.”

“He’s become friends with my friends,” she shrugs. “I can’t blame him. »

“And Connor?”

“Not much on that front. He brought a girl recently, but it didn’t lead to anything.”

“I didn’t think you’d still be hanging out with them,” I admitted.

“Except for you, we all stayed around for college,” she shrugs. “We just kept in touch, I thought it was good.”

“It’s true,” I say, lowering my head.

“You don’t have to feel guilty, Ona. We don’t blame you. We know it was hard for you.”

I hide my sadness behind a smile. She shifts to a few juicy stories from parties or other events during my absence. I regret not being able to join in. The stories were pretty funny. An hour and a half later, after finishing three-quarters of the bottle between us, we decide to join the others around the patio table. I’m tipsy enough to agree to play silly games I would have hated if I were sober. My state doesn’t improve after several shots during “Never Have I Ever.” Mapi took the opportunity to drag me to the dance floor right after. She knows it’s the only time she can get me there, thanks to the confidence alcohol gives me. We have fun dancing closely. After a while, I notice the boys have joined us. They must not be in a better state than me to have come. Fortunately, Miller offered for us to stay the night if we wanted. I wouldn’t have had the courage to walk home in this state. I tell myself it’s my birthday, so I have the right to enjoy it! Midnight must have already passed, but it doesn’t matter. I lost track of time since my phone died. It’s been ages since I had this much fun. Laughter keeps ringing in my ears. A body presses against my back during a dance, but I don’t pay much attention. I even have fun dancing closer to her. From her build, I’d say it’s a girl. Everything was going great until I feel her hands on my hips and her voice chills me to the bone.

“I missed you…”

I snap back to reality in less than a second. I stop dancing and quickly pull away from him. I need to see to believe it. Unfortunately, it’s real.

“Feli…” I whisper.

“Ona-”

“Don’t come near me!” I scream.

“No, wait-”

She tries to grab my arm, but I flee outside. I thought she’d understand I don’t want to talk to her, but her voice calling me from behind as I head to the back of the garden tells me otherwise.

“Leave me alone!”

“Please, listen to me!” she yells back.

I sigh, realizing I’ve trapped myself against the hedges. I turn around, pointing a finger at her.

“Stop! Don’t come any closer!”

To my surprise, she stops a meter away. Just seeing her in front of me makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I never thought I’d see her here.

“Please,Ona-”

“Shut up! I’m the one talking here,” I shout. “What are you doing here?”

“A friend of your friend.”

“I don’t want to see you anymore, Feli. If I wasn’t clear when I left, I am now!”

“Ona, please, let me speak.”

I look at her for a long time, trying to judge her. I try to discern the truth in her. One thing is for sure, her sad face doesn’t help at all.

“Two minutes,” I relent.

“I’m really sorry for everything I did,” she begins, knowing I’m serious. “I wasn’t myself. You know drugs make us do things we wouldn’t want to... I know I crossed the line more than once with you, and I regret it. I never wanted to hurt you, quite the opposite... I love you, Ona. I always have, and I know I messed up. I really lost it, and that’s why I asked for help... I’m seeing a therapist,” she admits, lowering her head. “He’s helping me get better, and so far, it seems to be working. I’m not asking for your forgiveness... I know it would be too hard for you, but I’d like you to give me another chance when you feel ready... I-... I’d like to be part of your life again...”

“Let me stop you right there. Get the idea out of your head that we can be together again because that will never happen! Is that clear?!”

“OK, OK,” she replies quickly. “M-maybe not a relationship as I’d like... B-but maybe a friendship, or-or...”

I laugh bitterly. Damn, why did I have to run into her. I run my hand over my forehead and push my hair back.

“No.”

She looks at me with wide eyes. She doesn’t need to act surprised. She ruined my life.

“In your pathetic speech, you’re right about one thing, Feli. I can never forgive you for all your damn actions,” I say, enunciating each word. “I trusted you! You told me you’d give me a better life, but in reality, you’re just an asshole! You have no idea how many scars you left on me! I wonder why I’m even talking to you, damn it.”

I step closer to her, pointing my finger at her chest.

“I forbid you from approaching me again, or it will go very badly for you.”

I keep my composure as best I can. The alcohol helps me hide my anxiety in front of her. I give her one last look before leaving her without regret. I’m not going to ruin my evening because of her. Mapi doesn’t even notice my absence since she asks me to join her at the drink stand as if nothing happened. She keeps dancing and singing while pulling me along. Instead of pouring myself a drink, I grab a bottle of tequila and head to the kitchen. Mapi looks more than happy with my initiative and shouts for the guys to join us. I plan to finish my night as it started. I’ll have plenty of time to regret it tomorrow when I return to harsh reality.

[em-writes-stuff-sometimes]

My Work on Archive Of Our Own

Please ignore if me gushing about the reception of my fics is irritating. I understand there are some people who genuinely hate when fanfic writers do this, so I'm putting it under the cut so you don't have to see it!

(And fair warning; if this irritates you and you still decide to click 'keep reading' and you then decide that I am obviously up myself so I deserve a hate anon or several, I need to preemptively remind you that I gave you the choice not to engage. You will be blocked and I shall call you a silly little guy if you do this.)

I also would like to make this an invitation to anyone who wants to share their proudest stats, or a nice comment they got, or even just something they are really really happy about in having written their fic. (No need to click read more, just go for it and use this as your excuse to show some pride.) On any platform!

Gonna tag the following: @lya-dustin @ewanmitchellcrumbs @the-common-cowgirl @the-wonderland-madnesss @marthawrites

@vampire-exgirlfriend @exitpursuedbyavulcan @emilykaldwen @ripdragonbeans @aegonx

Feel free to turn this into a pass-on game, if you like! We should celebrate the things that make us happy, too. ❤️

I've not ever really posted about this because, IDK, I worry about being considered a conceited asshole. I figure, though, that this is my blog and my safe space and if I want to celebrate something I'm proud of then I should be able to do so. Nor am I implying that I believe this is any sort of metric of popularity or superiority, OR that I write for the sole purpose of validation through clicks and numbers. I have very little interest in engaging with any of that rhetoric. NO. It's just a convenient bonus, kinda like how I love my job and the fact I get paid is awesome but not my primary reason for doing it.

Okay, I think I've got the disclaimers out the way? (Can never be too sure with fandom.)

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who reads my stuff. Not only on here, but on Archive Of Our Own, which is more or less a place I consider the Ultimate Fanfiction Site (TM). It used to be fanfiction.net for me, but then their ads got annoying and their content ban gross, so AO3 it is! I've read fanfiction on AO3 since I was like 13, and I still find it crazy beyond belief that my work is not only on there, but that it gets any sort of traction at all.

As a little acknowledgement of something I'm proud of, I wanted to document my stats on my big series, terms of endearment, as of June 2024. It is by and large the biggest project I have ever done, and I've poured countless hours of researching, writing and editing into it.

darilaros (princess)

Words: 48,843 Comments: 254 Kudos: 801 Bookmarks: 111 Hits: 21,971

gevivys (beauty)

Words: 52,147  Comments: 578  Kudos: 2,965  Bookmarks: 490  Hits: 106,019

dōnus riñus (sweet girl)

Words: 58,775 Comments: 660 Kudos: 3,414 Bookmarks: 635 Hits: 141,339

ilībītsos (little slut)

Words: 62,725 Comments: 556 Kudos: 1,880 Bookmarks: 289 Hits: 99,939

ñuhus prūmȳs (my heart)

Words: 104,063 Comments: 1,188 Kudos: 2,274 Bookmarks: 368 Hits: 110,356

jorrāeliarzus (beloved) (ongoing)

Words: 38,451 Comments: 234 Kudos: 454 Bookmarks: 86 Hits: 16,208

That makes for a total of 365,004 words; 3,470 comments; 11,788 kudos; 1979 bookmarks; and 495,832 hits. Jesus Christ.

To everyone who kudos'ed, commented, bookmarked, subscribed or even just clicked on the link to the fic, thank you very much. This series has grown and grown, not just in my head but also in audience. It's given me so much encouragement and support in my writing, and a feeling like maybe I am decent at this? I don't know. I used to write when I was a kid, but I stopped during high school. Rediscovering the joy of it hasn't just been rewarding in terms of having fun with it, but also in discovering that there are people who genuinely want to read what I'm putting out. I've spent a lot of my life feeling powerless and silenced, so this really means so much to me.

I am going to keep on writing for as long as I possibly can, because I genuinely haven't found a hobby as long-lived and fulfilling as this.

Thank you. I'm so very lucky. I'm so grateful. I love you all!

[davidmariottecomics]

It's Weird Being Between Two Jobs

Hi there and happy new year! 

Title kinda says it all in this week's blog, but the strangeness of this time in my life is really settling in. 

Just because of how things worked out with leaving IDW and starting the new job, I ended up with a little under a month of free time. And the first week and some change of that was the end of the year holiday season. But the past week has been me sort of watching from the outside as people started going back to work. I did finish up some additional new hire paperwork, but that took maybe an hour total and I'm still over a week from starting the new gig. It's an odd space to be in. I'm not working for anyone--I'm not getting a paycheck (and am currently sort of living this month off of my last IDW paycheck plus paid out time-off)--but I'm also not so far removed from a gig as to be strictly freelance. 

And to be totally honest, I don't know that I really like it. I am not great at having free time. I like the idea of free time. I like the idea of having time to write for myself or relax with my hobbies. But I am not great at the latter and the former betrays the fact that even with my free time, I'm often trying to switch into work mode. Heck, at the end of the day, my starting this blog and crossposting it as a newsletter/Tumblr/Patreon is all influenced by my not being good at not at least trying to be productive with my free time. 

If you're also someone who has been working from home and especially if you've been working from home freelance, I'm sure you know all the complications of the domestic and recreational life against your job and probably are familiar with how helpful routine and scheduling is with all that. Right now, I'm freeform. I don't want to just use my old habits--the advantage of time off is specifically that I can break a 9-5 M-F format--but I feel like I don't have enough time to start building new routines. So, it's been a challenging couple of weeks. I have not done nearly as much as I think I'd like to have at this point, but I also keep needing to remind myself that I have done a number of things that were on my to-do list and that it's okay to have time off for myself. 

As such, instead of a really specific blog on something of late, let me share a couple quick bits that've been on my mind. 

The Anti-EGOT I recently finished a big relisten of season 2 of Dungeons & Daddies and in the intro to the show of one episode, Anthony Burch introduced the idea of an Anti-EGOT. I think he retroactively changed it in a later episode, but the general idea was to be a writer in four of the least respected mediums and not win an award for any of it. I believe, in the initial mention, the idea was the four mediums of choice would be video games, comic books, podcasts, and pornography (with wrestling being retroactively either added or replacing one of these, but I don't think I'm much of one to write for wrestling). Honestly, that kinda sounds like a dream to me. As I was listening to this stuff in the run-up to the new year, there was a part of me thinking "is going for the Anti-EGOT my resolution"? And I ultimately decided, no. I don't think that's a good resolution, but it is sort of my stretch goal for the year. If I can write in all those fields, get paid for it, and not win any awards (or, y'know... do) in my lifetime, I'll be pretty stoked. 

What my actual goal for the year would be is I want to try to release 6 comics. Different lengths and varieties. I'm not currently anticipating having that be like a single mini-series or whatever, but I want to try to do more in comics with what I am producing. And if I can maybe branch out into one of those other areas this year, even if it doesn't have a release for another year or more, I'd be cool with that too. 

Steamboat Willie Last year, you may've read my four part explainer about copyright! One thing that is repeatedly touched on there is the public domain and what all that means. Obviously, this year, Steamboat Willie and two other Mickey Mouse shorts entered the public domain. And it's been really interesting to watch that play out a little. It seemed like--and I know it's only been a week--most everyone got it out of their systems within the first 2-3 days of the year. A lot of that probably goes to Steamboat Willie and those early shorts not actually being all that interesting (fun, but very story-light). A lot of it goes to so much of what people would want to do with "Steamboat Willie" is either already legal because it falls under parody, is not actually meant to be sellable in any way, or was knocked out in a day. A lot of it too probably goes to how unclear what counts as public domain remains. For a character like Mickey, people have been pointing out are you using elements that were added after 1928 or treading on issues of trademark that are not copyright and are not as available. I am very curious to watch how this continues to play out this year (if it does), how things develop next year, and in the next couple of years, watch how things fall in preparation for about a decade from now when more of the early Disney catalog will be public domain (including Snow White) and other major companies start having some of their big hits become PD (like, say, Superman). 

I'm also kinda bummed to have not seen any immediate announcements/releases of new comic versions of Lady Chatterly's Lover like there were of The Great Gatsby or anything. That's the other really interesting/wild thing about this year--to me, it seems like the majority of the fuss was around the Mouse and the things that've remained popular in part due to the mouse, Peter Pan and Tigger. I have not seen nearly enough talk about One Million Cats or any of the film or music. 

Post-Twitter

The other day, Diana Sousa was asking on Bluesky (and Twitter, I guess), if Twitter is still the major non-convention way that comics editors discover new talent. And I responded as someone who is NO LONGER ON TWITTER but who is still needing to have discoverability of comics artists. I said, part of it is I am on other socials. I see new folks on Bluesky or Instagram or whatever. I also keep an eye on various databases--you don't have to be on Twitter to have access to #VisibleWomen or the Cartoonist Cooperative database or Cartoonists of Color or the Queer Cartoonist Database or the Disabled Cartoonist Database or any of these many sorts of resources. Something I didn't mention there, but will mention here is when you've got a company email address, you've often got agents of various sorts emailing you about talent, internal talent databases and/or recruiter-type folks, sharing info with other editors (and, y'know, I've in the past shared talent who I didn't have a gig for with editor friends at other companies because I thought they'd be a good fit). 

As I've mentioned before, the lack of access to talent was why I did wait so long to delete my Twitter (and also wanting to make sure I had ways of keeping up with world events and following non-comics people). But, genuinely, I am not stressing over continuing to find new people now that I've been without it for a little bit and know I've got a system.  Check Yourself for Midjourney Training Hey, speaking of my explainer on copyright and the lengths of time therein I talk about how "AI" is a tool of theft and companies trying to avoid paying artists for the use of their copyrighted works, the lawsuit against Midjourney's resulted in a list of names of "artists" they've scraped. Now, I only put "artists" in quotes because the list was made by incompetent tech bros and/or their clueless lawyers, and so there are a number of writers listed who do not particularly do art but where you can extrapolate that the artists they work with were scraped as well as companies, systems, game platforms, etc. While I understand that of course lawsuits are expensive, I do know a number of artists have been reaching out to the lawfirm of the existing suit and seeking to join the case as plaintiffs. If you're a visual artist, probably worth the time to double-check and, if you can, do something about it. 

Okay, I think that's it for this week! See ya next time! 

What I enjoyed this week: Dungeons & Daddies (Podcast), Reverse 1999 (Video Game), Nancy (Comic), Yu-Gi-Oh: Duel Links (Video Game), Baldur's Gate III (Video Game), Blank Check (Podcast), Spy x Family (Manga), How to Read Nancy (Book), Hitman 2 (Video Game), Pokemon Conceirge (Cartoon), Ted Lasso (TV show, finally started season 3), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (Movie--can you tell I'm in a D&D mood?), The Floor (TV show), my new discord (friends can ask for access!), sending out some feeler emails for new projects and getting to do at least a little bit of writing for myself.  

New Releases this week (1/3/2024): Sonic the Hedgehog #68 (Editor)

Announcements: The Cartoonist Cooperative is still doing E-Sim cards for Gaza and at least 500 people have shown their proof of donation. You can donate a digital sim card so that residents can get access to the internet and have more functional phones and, in exchange, get some comics or a drawing or whatever else is available from the many participating artists. 

You can also give more directly. Things are obviously still very bad in Gaza as we've hit 3 full months of them being under siege. Over 20,000 Palestinians have been killed, including plenty of women and children. Israel has killed more journalists than any single conflict in my lifetime. They are attacking not just Gaza and the West Bank, but other neighboring countries. I hope the Internatioal Court of Justice can help bring this to an end, but in the meantime, the US has significant influence over the situation (between internatioal political power and the weapons and money we're sending as both a nation and that are being sent my many corporations in the US). You can call or fax or email or show up at the offices of your representatives to demand a ceasefire or to protest their inaction so far or to throw eggs at the president for participating in and encouraging a genocide. You should keep aware of actions, demonstrations, protests, and celebrations in your community too. Given the nature of the things, they often come together fairly quickly, so do exercise your due diligence. Also, of course, being informed and just giving your time to Palestinian journalists and writers is incredibly valuable. I don't tend to be a big TikTok fan, but it has proven to be one of the most reliable resources for firsthand accounts of what's happening on the ground. 

Meanwhile, Becca's got their first show of the year next weekend, 1/13 at Alesmith for a mini-con with BizBaz! Come pick up some new for 2024 stuff! Also, they've still got a little room in their schedule for this year, so get them for your comic project before it's too late! 

Finally, calling out my Patreon again as well as my webstore (final stock on basically everything there except Jimmy Squarefoot), my Kofi, and my eBay account as I am between paychecks for a while and those are other ways you can support me! 

Pic of the Week: We went to one of our favorite local restaurants, Rakitori in Hillcrest. They had a spicy cheesy tonkatsu ramen and I'm not a food picture guy usually, but I did quite like this photo and I'm actually very fortunate we ate there at the tail end of 2023, otherwise I'd have already eaten the best meal of 2024. 

[sugar-omi]

Is it ok to make a request after the last one? Like everything about the eloping was just a dream in this one. And Mc is still married to Cove but after getting that nightmare they get all guilty over something that didn't happen and fear if they'd actually do something that would hurt everyone, especially Cove that badly. So they decided to isolate themselves somewhere no one would find them for a while with little explanation to Cove when they leave. Any location really like a cabin in the woods idk. They were supposed to be only there for a week then a woopsie happens and now they get stranded for more than a week. You're choice on how it ends and whether they tell Cove or not about the dream.

Seeing Cove suffer hurts me so I wanna see the MC suffer (more) :)

HAHA I LOVE IT, YESSS LET MC SUFFER !!!! also ik i wrote it as a "y/n" post but i was like imagining jamie as MC/"y/n" and inserting myself in cove's happy ending <3 lmaooo no one said "y/n" couldn't be someone else 😋 i imagine a lotta ppl read y/n fanfics with their oc's or the default name though too but yes tysm for this ask bc this heals my heart, this is smth i would do!!! one time i read 2 separate fics with character A died and in the other fic character B died n i was like "oh okay theyre happy together now<333" ITS SILLY BUT IT MADE MY HEART FEEL BETTER

[read the post mentioned above: "leaving cove for baxter"]

tags : Hurt/(No) Comfort, step 4/wedding dlc, nightmare about cheating, running away, keeping secrets, arguing <3 (cove snaps abt you leaving)

synopsis : you have a nightmare about leaving cove, so you run away to calm down. maybe you should've taken a different approach...

you wake up in a cold sweat that night.

you're shaking and trying not to wake up cove because his arms are wrapped tightly around you but you can't help the tears running down your face.

somehow you shake yourself from your husbands hold and go to the bathroom to cry...

that morning you're very distant, and since cove has to leave for work as he's been away for awhile for your wedding and honeymoon, he just kisses you and tells you that you will talk later.

when he comes home you sit him down and tell him that you've just going through a bit of depression and burn out, and that you're going to go visit lee for a week and come back.

cove frowns up, of course he understands what you're going through and he understands that things are hard but do you really need to go away?

"y/n, please. i understand you're going through something but, can't you stay? isn't there anything i can do for you?"

you shake your head, "i'm sorry, it's just 5 days and then i'm coming back. i just.. i just need some time."

cove feels a bit angry now, you just got married and everything was fine, you were happy yesterday and now you've done a total 180 overnight and won't let him help you!

"y/n you can't just leave, i really don't understand what's going on."

you shake your head, standing up and releasing your intertwined hands. "i just need a little break, i promise i'll be back soon."

you do go visit lee like you said, but after the 2nd day she leaving town for a show.

"i'm gonna miss you!" lee squeezes you in her arms, not wanting to let you go. "you just showed up, its gonna be forever before we see each other~" lee whines.

you laugh, patting her back. "its okay lee, we'll get together soon."

she pulls away, needing to leave soon if she doesn't want to miss the train. "okay.. i'll call you everyday! have fun on the rest of your trip, okay?" a worried look comes on lee's face, taking your hand in a soothing manner. "i hope you can work through that burn out."

you nod. yeah, burn out...

lee sticks her hand out the window, waving the whole way (thank god someone else is driving) until you can't see each other.

you sigh, walking to your car and make your way to the hotel you booked for the rest of the week...

the beach reminds you of your honeymoon... you aren't sure why you're torturing yourself like this.

you sigh, thinking about the dream. well, nightmare to be correct.

there was nothing inherently scary. but since it was from a first-person point of view, your mouth moving out of tune with your thoughts and everything happening so vividly, it was scary enough.

you feel tears well up in your eyes as you think about everyone's reaction.

would your ma really tell you to stay away from the house like that? and lee.. you can't imagine not talking to her.

fuck, you're crying... just thinking about everyone's disappointment and the scorn on everyone's face is enough to send chills down your spine.

you cringe, thinking about cliff and krya, their messages and how cliff looked so distraught when he saw you when he came for the last of cove's things on your nightmare.

you couldn't bare your in-laws hating you. cliff has always been someone important to you, and now he's your father-in-law. he's a sensitive soul as well, and he loves cove so much. of what had happened was real... oh man, the simple idea of how much regret cliff would have makes your body shake with sobs.

and even though you try not to think about cove's reaction to you leaving, its so prominent in your mind.

you start wiping at your tears, even though there's no one around since this is a little edge of beach off the edge of a hiking trail near your hotel, you feel so ridiculous for crying over this.

you sniffle and go to stand up.

it's getting dark, you've off the trail, and you have an early day tomorrow.

the only problem is... you're a bit lost.

you didn't realize how far you were. you're back on the trail but do you go left or right? does it matter if it all leads back to the hotel?

you swallow, you're so fucked.

everything is just going wrong.

first, you get lost on the shitty trail and don't find your way back until daybreak, and now your car isn't starting up, and the mechanic said it'll be a few days before they get it up and running.

you sigh loudly and fall back into the bed. thankfully, the hotel let you extend your stay so at least you have that going for you...

you startle from the sound of your phone ringing... it's cove.

you hesitate to pick up, you still feel sensitive, but you miss cove, and you've already texted him about the situation for the most part..

"hey, cove.."

"y/n! are you okay?" cove's worried voice crackles over the phone.

"yeah, i'm alright, uh.. listen, cove."

you trace the stitch pattern of the quilt on your bed. "apparently, it'll be a few days before the car is up and running. something about a busted something, i don't know what he said. i wasn't, uh, paying attention very well..."

cove sighs. "y/n... I'll come get you or something, and then we can talk about this, okay?"

you feel your heart pick up. "no! th-theres no need for all that, you just hold down the fort, tell the fish I said hi." you laugh shakily.

you can practically hear the frown in his voice. "y/n. why did you go on this trip, seriously. what are you hiding from me?"

cove's voice is rising and cracking with tears at the same time.

it breaks your heart. you can't answer him and it just makes cove more upset.

"do you regret marrying me or something? is that why-!"

"no!" you exclaim. suddenly regretting your outburst but you can't help but deny it since that's not it and you don't want cove to think that...

"then fucking tell me!" cove is obviously crying at this point. "all I know is my spouse left for a 'break' and is now telling me they don't want me to pick them up? be fucking serious y/n!"

you exhale shakily, wiping your own tears.

"i'm sorry..." you whisper, burying your face in your hand.

"sorry for what, y/n? leaving me after we just got married? lying to me? shutting me out?"

cove's voice is deep and his words have an edge.

he's right though, what are you apologizing for? you're acting out and letting your problem consume you...

there's silence, and then cove mutters over the phone.

"... do you not love me anymore?"

you snap up, sliding off the edge of the bed as you snatch up the phone. "no! it's not that! don't say that!" you cry, "I love you so much, cove! don't even think otherwise!"

cove is silent. since you can't see his face you can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

"you know what i... i can't take this right now. I'll call you later."

the phone clicks.

now all you're left with is silence and your own thoughts...

when you finally come home it's 11:47 at night.

cove should be asleep but instead he greets you from the door.

you swallow, psyching yourself up to go to him.

something about the way he watches you from the moment you came into view on the street, to watching you pull your bags out the trunk and then maintaining eye contact (more like boring holes into you since you can't look him in the eye.) as you creep up the pathway to the door of your marital home.

he's silent. just watching. no "hi" or "I love you" or "I missed you, I barely survived while you were gone", just.. silence...

you finally look at him. his eyes are hooded with lack of sleep if the eye bags are any tellers, and yet he stands in front of the illuminated doorway like an unmoveable wall.

your heart skips and clenched. what if he doesn't want to let you back in?

you go to speak and he talks over you.

"was it worth it?"

you gape at him, frowning at his question.

"of course you can't say anything. what did I expect..." cove pinches his temples between his thumb and forefinger.

you gather up some words, uselessly trying to grasp for forgiveness.

"i.. i thought it'd be better if i worked things out on my own... i'm sorry.." you fiddle with the keychain on your luggage. "i shouldn't have done that and uh.. I'll deal with my problems without running away.."

cove watches you blankly. he can't believe you're serious.

"you're not gonna tell me, are you?"

you don't nod or shake your head. you just look at the ground and pray he forgives you.

he stands in front of the door for awhile longer, before he takes your luggage, a little more like snatching it since he grabs it by the side of the handle and tugs it out of your hands, pulling you forward.

"come inside. did you eat?"

you gape a bit, wondering how cove can care for you in a time like this but it reminds you more of a mother who's making sure her naughty child doesn't need anything else before they receive their punishment..

you shake your head. "i'm not hungry right now.."

cove doesn't nod or insist you eat like he normally would. "shower and go to bed then. I'll join you later."

you nod, letting cove's orders sink in.

the bath water is getting cold. and the sound of the echoed sound of water clapping against the edge of the tub makes you self-conscious.

you stand up, letting the water run off of you and robotically dry yourself with a towel before slipping into the clothes cove threw on top of the sink for you.

when you slip out of your bathroom, the bedroom is dark except for the moonlight coming through the window.

you tenderly tuck yourself into bed and close your eyes. waiting for something. anything. maybe for everything to become undone or for time to move past this.

just while you start to get deep into your thoughts, tears pooling in your eyes, cove's footsteps thump against the floor, and you halt your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

the bed dips on his side. you don't feel him leaning over you or getting into bed and so you turn around, looking at the broad expanse of his back and waiting.

"you're not gonna tell me, are you?"

you say nothing.

"not what's wrong? what happened? how can I help?" cove's desperate at this point. "nothing?"

you pause, fingers twitching because you want to reach out to him but if you did he'll just shrink away from you for sure.

"I don't know.." you finally mumble.

cove hangs his head, fiddling with something in his hand and he lays down without looking at you, flipping over once he's gotten under the covers.

you're both awake, there's no way he isn't and you touch his back.

he doesn't flinch like you thought, nor shake or tell you to fuck off.

so you creep closer. maybe that's a bad idea, wrapping your arms around him as the worst he can do is reject you but you missed him. and everything is eating you up that you just want his comfort..

he let's you, surprisingly.

you rest your forehead between his shoulder blades, curving your body against his.

you reach for his hands, finding them clenched weakly around something.

you wanna shake and cry when you realize it's his wedding band...

he let's you take it from him, and he holds onto your other hand that's tucked under his body.

you shakily slip the ring back on his finger.

maybe, maybe one day you'll tell him.

but when the next morning comes, and cove greets you with a bright smile and "good morning" that only has half his usual cheer, and he continues it for weeks until months have passed since then and it's as if nothing happened, you aren't sure you ever will.

[unidentifiedprimate]

Actually I'm not done.

Telling a Story Through Touch Part 3 - Conclusion

Something kept bothering me.

This

is after the turning point. But when Herbert goes to touch Dan, something stops him. I told myself it was just residual hesitation. They're not fully there yet. Herbert's not entirely comfortable with his former level of physical affection.

But it kept nagging at me. Because after the "Let me", after the shoulder touch, after the hand grab... Herbert SHOULD be able to touch Dan here. But he can't. Why?

It's because of this:

When Francesca comes into the house and confronts Dan, she breaks the spell.

I'm going to go off on a Dan tangent for a bit, so bear with me.

Dan is such a complicated person. I see him as growing up in a happy nuclear family, popular in school, always following the rules and being a Good Boy. He dates the right girls. He wants to become a doctor.

He's NORMAL.

But inside, there's this part of him that he has always suppressed. He's kind and caring, yes, but to the point of obsession. He's a nice guy, but he has a rage that slips out when he's stressed. He wants to help people, but he'll go far past the point of what is sensible in order to do it.

The first time he meets Herbert, he sees him tear into a highly respected doctor who should have power over Herbert by controlling his grades. But Herbert doesn't care about Hill's status or his authority. He is utterly fearless, brash, and rude. Dan has never been any of those things. He's shocked, but I think he's also impressed. He envies Herbert's total self-confidence.

And then Herbert moves in with Dan, and ultimately presents him with the most astounding display of genius and arrogance that he's ever seen. Herbert West is so daring, so sure of his abilities, that he's going to defeat Death itself.

And Dan is hooked. This work scratches an itch he didn't even realize he had.

But he still thinks of himself as a Normal Guy. And throughout both movies, he clings to this idea that he hasn't changed. Herbert is the weird one, even though Dan is right beside him every step of the way.

In Bride, I see Dan as completely compartmentalizing two versions of himself: Normal Dan, who exists outside of the house, and Weird Dan, who only comes out at home in the basement with Herbert. When he's at the hospital or grocery shopping or doing anything else outside in the world, he doesn't think of himself as the passionate scientist fighting against Death by whatever means necessary. He is so far removed from that side of himself that he doesn't even realize that inviting Francesca to dinner at his house means that she would come to his HOUSE, where he LIVES WITH HERBERT and does HORRIFYING UNETHICAL EXPERIMENTS. It doesn't occur to him. Normal guys invite girls over. And Dan is a Normal Guy.

(Dan: Oh. Oops.)

Even at home, he will bring that idea of himself inside - enough to feel repulsed by what he's doing and tell Herbert he's going to leave. But as soon as Herbert reminds him of the magnitude of the work, he's back. It's like a switch is flipped, and the obsessive, driven, weirdo Dan comes back out.

Normal Dan: I am charming and kind.

Weird Dan: Hell yes let's build a new Meg out of stolen body parts.

But Dan has been fighting that side. He keeps trying to hold onto his clean image of himself, and stop himself from falling headlong into the role that Herbert wants him to fill. It's Weird Dan that Herbert needs (that he loves). Normal Dan is useless to him, and kind of hates him. Weird Dan is the Dan that Herbert saw and drew out. The one who can be a real partner to him. His Dan.

When Dan grabs his arm and says "Let me," Herbert knows that that Dan is back in charge. And that's when he's comfortable enough to touch him again.

But then Francesca comes. And she forces him to confront the realities he has been pushing away.

Francesca fighting the Bride is really like a fight between Dan's two sides; Francesca represents a normal life, and the Bride (of course) represents a life with Herbert.

And Francesca is winning. Normal Dan is resurfacing, and he doesn't like what he helped create.

And that's what stops Herbert when he reaches out. That's not his Dan anymore.

When Dan fully rejects the Bride, Herbert tries to salvage it.

Forget it. She's nothing. It means nothing. We'll start again. We'll do it better. It'll be better. (I'll be better.)

But it's over. At the end of Re-Animator when Herbert is in trouble, Dan reaches for him. Even with Meg there, Dan reaches out to Herbert.

But at the end of Bride, he barely even looks at Herbert. He's made a choice. And when he reaches down into the earth, he's reaching for Francesca. He pulls her out, and he lets Herbert get buried. Along with all their work - their life - together.

[lostonmari]

SUCCESS #2 - November

Success #2 -- Everything I manifested in November

November is when I started this blog, and also ACTUALLY started applying all of the things I learned started taking affirming and thinking in my favor seriously instead of just sporadically manifesting random things here and there because I was too lazy to put in the work. I never had issues w wavering, but I was just inconsistent as fuck (Hell, I'm still inconsistent with posting on my own damn blog, yall can't possibly think I'm consistent with affirming!) So here's everything I manifested…

Manifested back my old bestfriend/ex-gf after 4 years no contact She came back, apologized for mistreating me and told me basically everything I affirmed for LMAO. and that's one of the things that gave me faith in the law because ik this girl would rather die than ever apologize to someone. Now that she's back I'm manifesting away her friends and leaving her broke down and in shambles because I'm evil and believe in revenge. yall dont know the type of bullsh*t this woman put me through. Idc if everyone is you pushed out, some people don't deserve forgiveness 🤓

My mom is walking again I successfully revised her shattered ankle without the weeks of recovery time the doctors "thought" she needed. She's literally walking around just fine now and doesn't need to wear her cast or whatever that big bulky thing was.

Manifested my brother out of jail on a time crunch Now I'm not sharing my family's whole drama online but… yea. he's out.

No more social anxiety, cured one of my mental health issues I don't wanna trauma dump or go into too much detail about my life but, yes. for anyone also working on mental health, it can be done and you won't regret trying. Life actually feels like it has meaning now and for once in all my years of life, I can actually say that I'm happy. 💗

Stopped nail biting COMPLETELY! I used to struggle with nail biting for YEARSSS whether it was out of stress, anxiety, whatever the fuck. but now it's completely gone. my nails are no longer STUBS, like theyre actually long and healthy. I didn't even affirm for this so I kinda think it came with improving my mental health since I didn't really have the issues that *triggered* nail biting anymore yk?. I'm actually the happiest about this result like yall don't understand how long I've wanted the natural french tips look 💀

[TW: Discussion of binging, discussion of food]

6. WL + Maintained weight loss! I literally changed my entire way of viewing food, and subsequently fixed my lose->gain->lose-> gain again cycle. Ever since learning LOAss If I binged I would be like: I just have a fast metabolism so that's why I'm so hungry my body is burning everything I eat so fast! and I would also tell myself calories don't matter because food is only energy. Basically, reminding myself of what Abdullah told Neville: "If you ate as I did, you would be poisoned because of your belief." (heavily paraphrased because my memory is terrible.. yes I'm working on it 😭) and it keeps me from feeling guilty abt eating. I ate SOOO MUCH food yesterday and I mean SO MUCH. I ate an entire box of cheese sticks, two large chicken sandwiches, 2 pb & j sandwiches total throughout the day, and half a tub of icecream for dessert… Yeah I was going crazy.. to the point I looked 5 months pregnant at the end of the night. Fast forward to today, my stomach is back to flat and back to normal as if it never happened. Food literally will not effect you if you believe it doesn't! This was my main focus too so I'm very proud of myself :)

Moral of the story is, never give up.

YOU decide what happens in your reality and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There were times when I didn't want to affirm, so I didn't. If I felt lazy then I didn't consciously affirm or listen to subliminals, I just relaxed and went on about my day. I never made affirming feel like a chore. There were times when I had doubts too or thought it wouldn't work. I especially thought it wouldn't work for my mental health but I just affirmed anyway. When you're having resistance literally just know there's nothing bad that can possibly happen from believing in yourself and thinking in your favor. Just DO IT. Persist no matter what and you WILL get what you want!

I'll try to do better with posting my successes (but only ones that actually meant something big to me tbh. I don't see a point in sharing every little thing unless it was me overcoming some type of struggle) and answering messages but I refuse to download the tumblr app so yall just gotta see and hear from me whenever I feel like loading up this website. I'm just enjoying & living my life rn girl I used to dream about times like this and now I finally have them 😭

[swordsandholly]

PLEASE IGNORE IF YOU ARE NOT IN A GOOD HEADSPACE TO ANSWER OR IF INAPPROPRIATE (some musings about growing up fat).

Hello. I am currently nearing my mid 20's and still have a hard time making peace with how my body looks. I've been bullied because of it for all my life, both from schoolmates years back and even family. Over time, I realize it became a constant part of me, and even my inner voice now mimics the same sentiments when I look into reflective surfaces.

Sometimes, I thought I was getting better, that I am coming to terms with how I am, but it's always a fleeting thing, and one comment about my looks or a simple bad day takes me back to square one. Because of this, I've let a lot of opportunities pass me by, deem myself unworthy of things that I think I do not deserve just because I'm fat, and it's taking a huge chunk out of me.

My question is, is there a way how to cope with this? Does it really get better? Would I really get better? It's getting tiring most times, to live in a body that you hate and hates you.

I'm sorry for dumping all this in your ask, and I'd completely understand if you ignore it. You're just one of the people I look up to in this app, and your works have sparked the idea to me that I, a fat person, can be loveable too. And thank you so much for that.

Tw for ED mention (I won’t be graphic) and fat phobia

Hi! Sorry for the long answer, I don’t know if this is helpful this is just my experience.

So, to start with, I totally get the external voices becoming internal. My mother cannot handle the fact that I’m fat and always have been (I was literally a 10lb baby). Growing up she was very cruel about it and essentially taught me anorexia starting around age 8. It can be really hard to push those voices away but you have to keep reminding yourself they are external. They are not you - they are other people with their own issues and hang ups. Easier said than done ik but it’s good to keep in mind.

I would say it’s super important to get rid of the idea that your body hates you. It doesn’t - it’s just doing it’s best to keep you alive. That’s it’s only goal. Something that has helped me is separating my body from myself and making it just something I take care of. Like a plant. I feed and water it and let it do it’s thing.

It’s always going to be a flip flopping battle. Some days will always be bad. I think the best goal is neutrality. When I stopped trying to force myself to love my body and sought neutrality I made so much more progress. Now I’ve come to mostly love my body as it is, but learning to be neutral to it first really was the thing that got the ball rolling in a positive direction.

Some steps that helped me a lot were only following plus size fashion vloggers/influencers. Especially if you can find people with the same body type as you. Another was simply not looking in mirrors too much. I’d get stuck staring at my reflection and just only looking in passing for a while helped a lot.

I hope this helps. It makes me really happy that you find solace in my works - that’s a big part of why I started writing them for myself! Us fat babes are hot and I stand by that whether or not everyone sees it🫶

[therealvampira]

Noah's Arc Circus Headcanons (Since nobody ever does them) [Joker and Beast]

Hello, all! I am suffering from writers block at the moment, not to mention I've got finals coming up, but I'm still trying to push myself to post something, so have these random-ish headcanons. (Reminder that I won't be doing all of the characters, just Joker and Beast since I'm stressing lowkey 😭😭- I will definitely write more for the other circus members in the future)

Joker

Before Joker and the others were took in and founded the circus, he reached a point where he had no hope for his future. He really just thought that was it, and that he'd be living on the streets with his family until he died, probably at a young age too.

As a result, this is why after he and the others were taken in by Baron Kelvin, he felt such a strong obligation to serve him and follow every order he was given.

At first, it was seemingly simple tasks, and I like to believe they were originally hired as servants or something along those lines, but as Kelvin's obsession with Ciel and being perfect took a turn for the worse, that is when he told Joker and the others that he wanted them to run a Circus.

Joker, just being thankful to be under somebody else's care, assumed it was some sort of fundraiser for them to accumulate some extra wealth.

But very quickly, things took a dark turn. In the beginning, there was a lot of arguing (rightfully so), but eventually Joker gave in, feeling like this was his obligation, as if he was paying his dues to Kelvin for taking him in along with the others.

Deep down (not really that deep down, it's very evident to him) he knows what he's doing is horrible, but it's almost like he can't stop, he has to do it to make Father happy. The others have probably tried talking him into going some place else, but nothing seemed like it would work, so they eventually all gave up, feeling the same sense of hopelessness only now with a roof over their head.

(Moving on from the sad backstory, heres some less depressing stuff)

Joker probably takes a while to fall asleep, like...longer than normal. I know I said these would be the less depressing HCs, but I feel like he got so used to having to constantly wake up in fight or flight mode while living on the streets, he probably takes longer to fall asleep even years later.

Consumes so much caffeine. Like he'll probably have 5 cups of tea every day and then coffee if they have it (probably not a lot since coffee wasn't as common in England given most people preferred tea).

But then again, he's a busy man you can't blame him. (totally not projecting.)

Doesn't really think about his mother that much, since he most likely has no idea who she is, but sometimes wishes she'd just keep him and didn't throw him away. He often contemplates how his life could've been different if so and so happened.

Rarely ever gets sick for some reason. Like, the rest of the members have probably gotten a cold or other sickness plenty of times, but Joker just seems to be in decent health all the time, which is somewhat surprising considering how rampant disease is throughout victorian England.

Looking at his hair, it is very intricately done and nice looking. However, some of the little pieces of hair are "crunchy" sometimes because he'll have to use insane amounts of pomade if he's having a bad hair day that day.

Speaking of, he's definitely a little artistic, given that he could style his hair and makeup after living in the streets for most of his life. In the beginning, he would help the other members with their costumes or makeup.

If Joker were to ever be in a relationship (I don't remember if he is or not), he'd be really kind to his partner, always trying to cheer them up and keep them happy.

While he wouldn't exactly be the manipulative type, he'd still be careful to hide everything he's been doing from them, afraid they'll leave him if they know about his actions.

That is, if they don't already know. If he knew that his partner already knew about what he was doing and still decided to be understanding about it, he'd be a lot more comfortable with them, like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and he has one less person to keep secrets from.

He'd almost constantly give you flowers and do small gestures for you, doing the best with what he has. (I mean, it's a circus..)

Sings to himself kind of often, especially if he's feeling anxious (as seen in the anime). It sort of soothes him and distracts him a bit.

On the surface level, he seems to be a very cheerful and energetic person, but when alone or with the other (original) circus members, he can be much more serious.

If he had a partner, he'd really be sweet to them, but not to a point where he's exaggerating. He'd just be his "normal" self, seeming a bit more quiet than he is to strangers.

Back to the previous point, he would do everything in his power to keep all of the secrets about Kelvin and the missing children from you. If you ever confronted him about whats being said in the newspapers, he'd probably just play it off a mistake, or just bad rhetoric.

As nice as he is, or as he may seem he doesn't give that easily into emotions, which is one thing that makes him so difficult. The others already tried it, but he just doesn't seem to budge whenever anyone brings up the topic of running away or quitting.

"Missing children ya say? ah, don't worry about that- probably just folks who don't want a circus near them is all!" He'd say, making it sound like it was the most obvious thing ever.

He seems just a little too relaxed about it, making it almost suspicious. If you did find out, he'd be devastated. He would probably try to leave you before you can leave him, just assuming that you now hate him.

If you took the opposite route and decided to be understanding, he'd appreciate your empathy very much, but would still be cautious around you for god knows how long, until he fully trusts you again.

He really wishes he could spend more time with you, but he has so much to do all the time.

Probably one of those people that wakes up as soon as the sun comes up. It's like he can literally feel the sun rising, even though the tents have no windows and he's just like "Yeah, I need to get the hell up" 😭

If his mother had the chance to name him, she'd either name him Ryas or Jesse.

Beast

She knows that Joker is probably never going to consider leaving his job working for Kelvin, but she tries time and time again to get him and the others to run away and find some place else where they don't have to keep doing such bad things.

She honestly feels bad, and if you talk to her personally, you can tell just by looking at her that she isn't happy.

Spends a lot of her time alone, except for when she has to meet up with the other first-string members to discuss important matters.

She never learned how to read until she and the others were taken in by Kelvin. They would all read books to enhance their reading abilities, and while doing so Beast actually found she enjoyed it.

While she doesn't get to read often given her environment, she'd definitely be down for it when given the chance.

While she can come off a bit cold to people she doesn't know, she is seriously the sweetest person ever, like...

She's just such a genuine and nice person, even if she has to do bad things to survive.

She hates working under Kelvin. She hates it. But she is still grateful that she can walk on her own, thanks to the prosthetic limb.

In all honesty, her outfit does make her uncomfortable at times. She wishes she could wear something a bit less revealing, since it gives her a lot of unwanted attention, which she can't stand. Don't even get her started on the creepy stares from some men in the audience, she could go on all day!

A lot of the time when she's alone, she likes to pet and cuddle Betty. It's therapeutic for her to pet her- she definitely considers her a friend, despite her being a tiger for a circus act. Beast really feels like they've bonded over the years.

Speaking of that, she probably has a lot of patience even though it may not seem like it. Think about it, her situation with Joker has probably been getting at her for a while now, but she still hasn't snapped.

As for this specific situation, it's definitely one of those instances where a part of her has given up, but the other part still has hope that things can finally get better and they'll all run away together.

She'd like the smell of sandalwood- to her it's one of those scents that you can't exactly remember where it's from, but it's still kind of comforting and makes you reminisce.

She can't always remember all of her dreams, but she has had multiple nightmares of Kelvin harming her and the others because they "messed up" something.

Beast has a sharp intuition, she kind of knows whats up, even if those around her don't believe it. She can sense when people lie, or when something bad is going to happen.

She's generally just a lot smarter than she has been letting on.

Unlike Joker, Beast seems to be a lot softer. Not in a bad way or that she's "weak", but she's a lot more worried about things, and has a stronger desire for stability and safety than Joker does.

Her gut has been telling her to "get the hell out of here" for years, which is starting to really get to her. She knows that herself and the others are mostly unhappy, so why keep living like this?

If she had a partner, she'd definitely try to get them in on running away. If you agree, or even consider it, it would be like all of her hope has been restored.

All she needs is genuine, real reassurance but she just never seems to get any, which is why she'd probably seek that from her partner.

I imagine if beast was real, she'd have big eyes. Not like inhumanly large or anything, but enough to stand out. (No I'm not just saying this because I love all the girl characters from Black Butler because they're so pretty.)

Gets cold pretty easily which kind of sucks, given how Englands climate is, so she likes when the Circus travels to warmer areas.

But then she sweats, so now it's too hot. She can never catch a break oh my god

Gets so frustrated when her hair won't stay in a certain position after like 50 cans of pomade.

Doesn't get to eat them often, but she loves little cakes and pastries.

She doesn't particularly have a sweet tooth, though. She's okay with most types of foods, but probably doesn't eat spicy stuff.

She really enjoys sleeping, since her mind is finally quiet and thoughtless for once. I feel like she's that one person that always needs a nap.

[fitgothgirl]

cw weight talk (positive)

I hadn’t weighed myself in almost two months and was a little nervous (which was an emotion I addressed). Lots of drinking, not tracking food, overall emotionality, “fuck it” moments, etc. But also certain things have still been habits, like getting to the gym at least here and there, most of my food has still been decent, etc. I've still been doing the little “1% better” things wherever I could fit them.

I was 136lbs/61.7kg at my last check on June 11, and today was 137.6lbs/62.4kg. I’m so relieved, that’s virtually nothing!! Like I qualify that as maintaining lol. It’s a really good validation of slow, healthy weight loss, and working on lifestyle changes that will stick around even when life is life-ing.

I've had a few good days the last week; not necessarily all happy but I've still been able to get a good chunk of things done and mostly take care of myself, so I haven't been at the lowest of low. It's interesting to be down but still able to do some stuff haha... But I think things are building on themselves now and I feel like I'm turning a corner, and I'm trying to work with that momentum.

Also, for a little while I've been getting concerned about my drinking getting out of hand and how at least a couple drinks each night was hard to say no to; well the last two nights, which were Friday and Saturday night nonetheless, I inadvertently didn't drink at all lol. Just was keeping busy with other things and didn't really feel like it. So random lol but just rolling with it! It's been nice to wake up on Saturday and Sunday morning with total clarity - not even not hungover, but even after having just a couple drinks I can kind of feel it in it me the next morning. (But also, not hungover is good too lol.)

I'm also back to my bujo, logging in MyFitnessPal, and starting to use my kSafe again to get back into a groove with controlling & tapering my weed-smoking.

Also feeling the need to remind myself that it's okay to start feeling better... 😅🫠

[bosskie]

Tired

This is just one quick-ish vent art thing... It feels like I just keep feeling worse and worse, no matter what...

I'm so tired of my condition, and I experienced probably the worst inferiority complex moment I have ever had about two days ago... It felt so devastating that I cried and it was difficult to calm down. Frankly, sometimes, I have moments when I think that everyone draws better than me, all the Molluck art from the others look better than what I have ever created... I really feel like this sometimes. Two days ago it just hit me harder than ever. I have been drawing like only Molluck for three years and I'm still not pleased, still have these moments where I feel like I should quit because everyone else draws Molluck better than me and they have drawn him much less than me... I don't even really wanna argue about who does the best Molluck stuff, and I really wish that my mind didn't care about it but it just keeps telling me how I create the worst stuff and it won't ever change... Can you guess how discouraging it is? My mind is like never happy with what I have done/achieved, not even when I have proven it wrong... 'It was just luck, I didn't actually deserve it'... It's been like this for over a decade.

It was 'Molluck's words and kindness' that helped me to come over the worst moment of that inferiority complex moment. 'It's alright to take your time, to be a slow learner' he told me. I just feel like I learn drawing Molluck so slowly... I also felt like I should really quit this whole Molluck thing, leave him behind, yet again, but my heart told me that I don't really want it. I can be kind to myself like only thru Molluck...

I know that I should only compare myself to myself but I cannot help my condition... My mind just keeps telling me how I'm less worthy than everyone else and that I have already lost... It's so difficult to change this mindset when I have been living with it for so long... But yeah, about comparing myself to myself, this piece reminded me of this older piece I have done two years ago:

I guess that I have improved. I have actually lost my will to even say if I can draw or not, and especially how well... I'm just so tired of this depate inside of my head... Though I basically also painted that vent art thing to check if I can still draw a decent Molluck thing...

You might wonder why I don't get help then. Well, I got no resources for it, but I also just don't feel like I'm worth saving/helping. Also, I'm the key for the change; those professionals only help me with thinking but they cannot think for me or how I should explain this...

I really wish that I had no need to vent but I don't really wish to vent for anyone directly since this is quite heavy stuff but I'm also tired of being all alone with this shit... I have felt for years that no one actually cares or wishes to listen to my thoughts... I see that it has damaged me significantly... It's still so difficult for me to feel like I'm actually lovable or worth caring... I feel sorry for even existing, even it's not my fault but my parent's... But I still feel sorry for what I am and I tend to feel sorry for even posthing here... I'm still trying to ignore that feeling since otherwise I would like to just disapper from the web, to make it a better place. I don't even know why but I have this feeling of that I just ruin everything deep inside of me... My mind also keeps insisting that it's not true that I'm talented/skilled... But why whould anyone lie to me about that...

It's totally alright to ignore my vent and just look at my Molluck stuff. I'm already thankful for that I'm tolerated here because I'm used to that people just disappear around me... I'm also used to that no one cares when I vent, talk about my suicidal thoughts. It's been so long that I have probably wanted to end this all for over thousand times, if not thousands of times, but I have still decided to keep going, even I haven't been sure of if it's worth it. But yes, frankly, I feel like one side of me is asking for help but another side of me tells me that I'm not worth helping... I'm really not sure about what to do... But I guess that I should just keep going, like I shouldn't quit art just because of my mind's insults. Sometimes my mind wants me to regret creating this blog, that I should leave no mark behind because I only ruin stuff... Yes, my condition resticts me significantly. Like, I don't even wish to appear in anyone's notifications because of these feelings...

Yet again, I'm sorry, but my condition is just this bad. I really appreciate your understanding; this is the first place where people have showed me understanding, support and kindness with my condition but also with my 'oddness'. I really hope that you all feel better than me...

I just wish to be honest with this hell I have inside my head... Also, don't get me wrong, I do love to see Molluck stuff from the others but my ill mind just likes to use it against me... Please, don't let this affect your doings, I don't wish that, at all.

[orchidyoonkook]

Hey orchid, it’s bubbles,

I really wasn’t expecting this update out of nowhere. I was fully expecting to love the new chapter and I totally do. I reread the previous chapters to refresh my memory but embarking on the journey.

The stuff below from the recently released chapter.

Can I say, I was fully expecting to hate Nel, but he was like so sweet, making breakfast for her and like just being there all this time. It had me questioning if Jk had done wrong by testing him in a way. And also, JK, the dude has fallen so quickly and fast. It’s endearing that he fees this way but it’s like he’s putting so much meaning the one genuine female friendship he has. Him being with Adeline, felt so left wing, I mean the man is a walking place card with her. I wasn’t expecting him to go far with her in the physical relationship type of way. He’s wanted to normal and away from his title so to speak. The only step in that direction thats he’s done this far is the oc.(I have a weird thing with not putting myself as the reader, I instead have like a general character made) Oc thinking of jk is so me, like new friend thinking behavior exists.

I’m sooo excited to see what’s next… I have been working on just studying and planing for my future. Needless to say a very stressful phases in life, but this was a fresh breeze. So thanks for updating!

How have you been, I’ve been seeing your posts but still?

Lots of love,

Bubbles 🫧

Hey orchid, it’s bubbles,

BUBBLESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODDD!!! oh it's so SO lovely to hear from you again <<<<3333. are you doing well? I hope you're well.

I really wasn’t expecting this update out of nowhere. I was fully expecting to love the new chapter and I totally do. I reread the previous chapters to refresh my memory but embarking on the journey.

YAYYYYYYY. I was super happy to surprise drop this! and you reread??? Bubbles you SPOILE me with your kindness <<3333

The stuff below from the recently released chapter.

okay lets jump in!!

Can I say, I was fully expecting to hate Nel, but he was like so sweet, making breakfast for her and like just being there all this time. It had me questioning if Jk had done wrong by testing him in a way.

okay but I actually love that though. I wanted Nel to be kind of out of left field with readers not really knowing quite what to expect from him. And that seems to have been the case from the feedback I've received thus far!

As for JK... he's a bundle of different contrasting emotions rn so honestly i cant blame you one bit. He was definitely pushing his boundaries for sure.

And also, JK, the dude has fallen so quickly and fast. It’s endearing that he fees this way but it’s like he’s putting so much meaning the one genuine female friendship he has.

He really has. And that poor boy does NOT want to. He's trying so hard to push those feelings away so he doesn't put so much meaning into it. But he cant help it :(

Like I actually feel so bad for him.

Him being with Adeline, felt so left wing, I mean the man is a walking place card with her. I wasn’t expecting him to go far with her in the physical relationship type of way. He’s wanted to normal and away from his title so to speak. The only step in that direction thats he’s done this far is the oc.

I'm going to go author response here instead of character. Adaline is supposed to (in this specific point of left field and walking place card) be this reminder of who he is throughout this part of the story. As in "Prince of the largest kingdom in the realm." Because he cant just shut the royal part of his life off, he may be 'alone' at school, but he still has to placate his father, with whom he's already on thin ice with due to being at the school in the first place. So he quite literally is intentionally making himself into this walking placecard to be able to keep the real part of his life he's created (the directional step with OC). We have to remember the much larger much more complciated politics that come with his role outside the walls of the school. And then so part of the role he's playing for Adaline will be physical in that way.

My point is that I agree with your point completely, but it is done intentionally!

(I have a weird thing with not putting myself as the reader, I instead have like a general character made) Oc thinking of jk is so me, like new friend thinking behavior exists.

Me too!! Occasionally I will see parts of myself in OC'S and it's super fun, but in my head it's just a character 99.9% of the time! And YES. Your get it! They're new and shiny and you're excited to get to know all of the things and learn all the cool things about someone new! At least that's what I'm like and it's rubbed off on Reader.

I’m sooo excited to see what’s next… I have been working on just studying and planing for my future. Needless to say a very stressful phases in life, but this was a fresh breeze. So thanks for updating!

Ahhh!!! Thank you <<<33333.

I'm so proud of you for working towards your goals! That's amazing and the dedication is so amazing. Seriously I'm thrilled for you. I hope it goes SO well <3 You deserve all good things <3

How have you been, I’ve been seeing your posts but still?

Mostly good! I'm finally adjusting to the whole 9-5 thing. My circadian rhythym has never been in line with "normal" hours, so that has been the hardest thing to adjust too and adapt too, which is where most of my exhuastion is coming in. I'm working more on less sleep and so that's been g r e a t. BUT I'm getting there. Slowly and surely.

Oh! I have a question for you. You had mentioned once (i think?) that you were going to read TDWV and send in your thoughts. (this is by no means me saying/ telling you to read or review just to be clear☺♥) But just in case you had, I haven't received anything on my end and wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't ignoring you if tumblr ate it. That being said, if you hadn't please feel free to ignore the last 4 sentences XD

Lots of love, Bubbles 🫧

Your presence in my life brings me joy and i send you love RRIGHTTT BACKK. Thank you for your lovely words, as always <3 they are appreciated more than you know <3

Xo,

Yoon

[daisymae-12]

20 questions for fic writers

thanks for the tag @kiwiana-writes ❤️❤️❤️

I wasn't going to do this because a silly part of me was feeling some imposter syndrome - mostly because I haven't published a fic for RWRB yet, and that makes me feel like I'm not a 'real' fic writer (yes silly I know) 🙃 reminded myself that I have published stuff on ffn/ao3 before even though it was 6+ years ago 😅 ANYWAY filled this out so I can look back in a year or so and see what's changed 🌞

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

5 on my old AO3 account that I pretend doesn't exist 😂 1 on my new AO3 (though it's just a fic where I dump my drabbles)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

48k

3. What fandoms do you write for?

only RWRB now

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

lmao not going specifically name them because these days I like to pretend all my old fics don't exist but my fic with the most kudos (354) is a soulmate fic 😌

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Mostly! (I've tried to respond to all of them but I'm always fighting the procrastination monster)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? 7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Confession for these two questions - I've never actually finished writing a fic 💀 but! I don't think I could ever write an angsty ending - I need a happy ending 😂 I'm going to finish a fic one day, I swear (hilariously I think the first fic I'll ever finish will be the Vampire Henry fic at this rate LOL)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully no

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I've always planned to but I've never actually reached that part 💀 (see above confession about never having finished a fic lol)

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Nope! Don't think it would be something I would do in the future either.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No and I don't think anyone would want to steal any of my half finished fics LOL

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Alex/Henry 🥺

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Ahh all the unfinished fics on my old AO3 account. Sometimes I still get comments on that soulmate fic asking if I'm ever going to update and while I'd love to finish it, I'm in a different headspace now from when I started it (10 years ago!)

16. What are your writing strengths?

Let me see if I've got an answer for this in a year because right now I genuinely don't know 😅

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Does being a slow writer count? Never finishing a fic? I'm working on it 😅 I have 6 (whoops) WIP's right now and there's two that are SO CLOSE to being done - I've just got to keep fighting my easily distracted brain 🥲 The day I finish writing a fic, I'll genuinely cry and probably buy myself a cake to celebrate 😂

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I'd like to? I do love reading fics that include Spanish dialogue. But my second language (Tagalog) is kinda useless for this? 😂 You'd think it'd be helpful cause it uses a lot of Spanish words/phrases, but it's too much of a different language overall to be of any use. (lol I'll read fics with Spanish dialogue and randomly be amused when I recognize a word that's the same in Tagalog - "I know that word!!!")

19. First fandom you wrote for?

HP (hate what jkr has done to taint it tho 🙃)

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Since I've never finished a fic, my fave WIP's right now are my Fake Dating/College AU fic and my Vampire Henry fic 🥰

no pressure tags as always (sorry if you've already done this and I missed it 😅) @heybuddy-drabbles @affectionatelyrs @littlemisskittentoes @cultofsappho @happiness-of-the-pursuit @read-and-write- @14carrotghoul @inexplicablymine @suseagull04 +anyone who wants to do this

[salaapaoo]

it's been a while since i've been on here!! I've been p busy w school >< but i got tagged !! by @fanfiction-artist-prototype for 20 questions!! 1. how many works do you have on ao3? I have 16! but a bunch of wips hidden in my docs hehe 2. what's your total ao3 word count?

144,014!! I feel proud bc it's been,,, almost a year since i started?? I haven't really had time to write lately though :<

3. what fandoms do you write for? hmm... only lcf so far, but i wanted to write for sss class revival hunter !! but i need to catch up and brain rot harder!!!

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

young master, you dumb bitch

puppy teeth

in the comfort of death

death's little reaper

teeny tiny trouble

5. do you respond to comments? why/why not?

I usually do!! I feel kind of bad tho bc I see comments and then tell myself that i'd just respond later, but then forget.... hhh i will respond to them eventually ;;

6. what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hm.. there's only a few that are done... so i guess i'll say what i think will have the angstiest once i'm done?? I think it might be between mr forgettable, witcher's calamity, or comfort of death???

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhm.... i feel like a lot of mine don't really have happy endings??? hhh

8. do you get hate on fics?

no ! i'm really happy with that! i feel like the fandom is really nice tho heh

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind? :] yes,,, uh theres.. some out there

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one?

i don't write crossovers hhh mostly because i would worry about trying to keep even more charas in character ;; brain too rotten w lcf

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of ??

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

yeah! i had one translated into russian!! that reminds me,, i should probably add a link to that to the summary or smth ghksjhg

13. have you ever co-written a fic?

hmmm officially on ao3, no, but i would consider a lot of my fics cowritten w my friends because would end up brainrotting together so hard that it would end up mostly written!! so if i end up writing it, i usually end up dedicating it to them or smth

14. what's your all time fave ship?

hmmm,,, im not too picky??? i usually like eating them all

15. whats a wip you want to finish but doubt you will?

hmm... im a bit worried about finishing comfort of death ?? i want to finish them all!! but for comfort of death i'm a bit worried because i know how i want it to end but the in between hhhh uughgggh having to connect it ughghghg we're still far out!!

16. what are your writing strengths?

my friend said that my writing felt nostalgic and like heheh that makes me feel proud!! smth abt how i desc scenes, so i think that's a thing i'm really proud of !!

17. writing weaknesses?

i think the fact that i don't like rereading is a big weakness because i'll read it again after a long ass time and then see so many errors!! I think i have a lot of run on sentences, too!!

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language? i don't think i'm too confident on writing dialogue in another language!! I would probably just put it in italics and say its being done hhh or if i do, then i'd want it checked by someone who speaks it

19. first fandom you wrote for?

lcf!

20. fav fic you've ever written?

mmmm that's hard... but i think i'm really attached to like, teeny tiny trouble or maybe witcher's calamity? theres a few hidden ones that i'm actually really attached to !! i hope to have more time to write soon!!

-

tagging

@vveirdnobdy uuh,,, idk who to tag??? whoever wants to join?

[jackieswift]

Surprise songs for Stockholm

Hey Taylor!

I know you probably don't remember me (and that's totally fine because you're meeting so many fans and I really adore that with you), but I'm Jacqueline! You invited me to the reputation secret session in London and I was the girl that flew home from my school trip in India to be there and meet you.

Anyways, as a Swedish swiftie I died when I found out that you will take The Eras Tour to the city I grew up in. I know you've done so much for me already, but I would very kindly like to ask you to consider maybe playing one of the songs on this list when you are in Stockholm. Because that would mean the world to me!

Better Man - The song that helped me survive my toxic relationship. He destroyed me just a few days after this song first came out, and ever since, this song has meant SO much to me. I was really happy that you decided to record it and put it on Red (TV). And hearing it in the city where I met him, the city he still lives in but the city I left, it would be the most special thing!!!

Mean - The song that helped me through the long and horrible school days in Stockholm when I was bullied. I used to lock myself in the bathroom and listen to this song during our breaks. So you playing it in Stockholm would be the best message to my bullies! Also, as a kid I used to joke that "one day Taylor Swift will come and play this song in Stockholm for me" so maybe teenage me could have her dream come true?

Tim McGraw - I don't have an emotional story to this song. I just really love it. This is one of the songs that inspired me to start writing my own music. I just think it's beautiful and since I'm one of the people that love debut, I would love hearing a song from the album as a surprise song.

Last Kiss - My all time favorite song...but you already know that. I know you will play it on july 9th in Switzerland, but maybe just maybe you could play it in Sweden too?? Just because one of your biggest fans in Sweden was born on july 9th (and she had her last kiss on december 13th). And the song is really gorgeous. So pretty pretty please at least consider it? (Love youuuu)

You're On Your Own, Kid - Wonderful song!! It's really special and as a memeber of the Swedish class of 2020 (which means I graduated this june and spent 2/3 of my uni time online because of the pandemic) your speech makes the song even more special too. And the girl next to me at the theater for The Eras Tour film has this as her favorite song. We therefore died when we got it as a surprise song in the film, but getting it in real life would be even cooler.

I Did Something Bad - I love the setlist for The Eras Tour so much but THIS SONG, what happened? Because you know screaming THOSE words during the reputation stadium tour was just the greatest thing ever. So please let us relive that moment!

New Year's Day - I cried my eyes out to this song on your livingroom floor so getting to relive that but in a stadium full of people that all love you would be great. I understand that it would be painful for you and you shouldn't do it if you're not comfortable with it!!! But the whole "hold on to the memories , they will hold on to you" always brings me back to that night, October 13th 2017!

You're Losing Me - Same with this song, if it's too painful, just don't do it. I want you to have a great time. But God I love this song so I needed to add it to the list! To me, this song reminds me of friendships that I've had, but that have ended. All of the people that have left me or that have just stopped keeping in touch. The people that I loved so much, but that didn't care the same for me. Me fighting to keep them in my life but them not caring. And it ending with me thinking "of course they don't want to have me in their lives, why would they? I'm worthless."

Teardrops on My Guitar - You know I'm THE BIGGEST FAN of this song. It doesn't matter that I'm 24 now and not 12 (that I was when I first fell in love with the song). I still love and adore this song. I had totally given up on ever getting to hear this song live, but when we found out we would get two surprise songs every night I kind of got my hope up. And this is another one of the songs that totally inspired me to start to write songs.

@taylorswift @taylornation

Thank you so much for reading through this list. Maybe you got an idea or maybe you didn't. No matter what, I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again next year! Until then, I'll go to the theater and see The Eras Tour movie again and keep dreaming about the days I'll get to see you next year.

Lots of love,

Jacqueline

[ageless-aislynn]

Hello again, friends. I'm in the final stretch of Camp NaNo and I'm hopeful that I'll make my word count goal. Still disappointed that it's all being "wasted" on original stuff nobody will ever read instead of finishing my WIPs but who knows? Maybe I just needed to write nonsense that doesn't have to have any logic or whatever to it, just to get me through this month? I dunno.

Still going to try to get some words added to my WIPs before the month is done if I can. We're at a moment in "15 Minutes" that has been in place since the start, we've always been traveling here, even if nobody else knew it but me, and I think that's what's making it difficult for me to finish this chapter. There's just a lot of expectation on it from myself, I guess. I dunno. It's slowing me down but I won't let it stop me. "Recreation"'s next chapter is literally stalled on the final scene, ugh. Same thing, though, I'll get it done ASAP.

I'm taking some time today, though, to try and catch up on some of the things I've missed. Apologies for being so far behind. I've been a lousy friend for a while now and I hate it but can't seem to do any better. I won't waste your time complaining about being sick. Ugh.

I have so many pictures I want to take of my action figures and dolls. For instance, I made a Barbie version of Sara and Reyes! Totally not "authentic" in outfits, more of an "inspired by" sort of thing because I had to just work with what I could find but still! I love having something in hand that reminds me of them. It just makes me happy to look at them, what can I say? I also have an idea to kitbash an action figure tv!Master Chief that I'm hoping will work. 🤞😣🤞 I'll do my best to take pictures whenever I can.

I'm going to make some new GIFs from my latest Mass Effect: Andromeda shenanigans whenever I can, too. Playing that and Halo have been my life preserver through this rough month. Though, if you need an idea of how sick I've been, I actually fell asleep playing Halo the other day. 😬 I'm honestly not even sure how you DO that. But hey, at least my amazing gamer reflexes 😂 managed to keep me from dropping my controller. I woke up some unknown time later, still clutching it in both hands, while poor Chief had been stuck doing his idle animation for who knows how long? 👀😉

Anyway, I hope you're doing well. I've missed you.

[horangkwon]

⭐ Veintiocho: I'm so fucking stupid.

wc: 900.

ㅤ

ㅤ

Sweat ran down the tired girl’s face as she crouched under the scorching sun, her pruning shears were moving carefully between the branches of the big bush, making clean cuts here and there to slowly but securely fill her basket with beautiful, white roses.

—That should be enough— the voice of her coworker cut trough the empty silence, startling her and almost making her drop the delicate flowers; he had been so silent the entire time that it made the girl forget he was even there. —Have you thought of what to say to Jisun?—.

—Of course not— Jiwon sighed, sparing a melancholic glance at her basket —I wish giving her flowers was enough of an apology— and oh, that could have totally been the case if only her friend knew how she had lived through plenty of sleepless nights since their fight, tormented by guilt and regret. The SVT group was falling appart for the lack of communication and she was the only one to blame; tension was so high between her and the rest of the members that it was impossible for her to bring up the topic of their unfinished project into a conversation without feeling like throwing her phone out the window, or burying it uner the roots a palm tree.

Jiwon felt truly sorry, she really did, but how was she supposed to let her message across?

—I know it’s difficult— Wonwoo spoke again, fixing his glasses in a way that reminded her of an anime character… or a therapist, either could be of huge help right now —But I think you’re being too practical— he picked up his tools and gestured for her to follow him back inside —Apologies are supposed to carry emotions, you should stop thinking too much about it and just be honest about how you feel—.

—But what if I don’t know how I feel?— Of course, she felt bad for making Jisun sad, but even after giving it much thought, she still had not found what could have been the reason behind her friend’s behavior —How am I supposed to apologize if I have no idea what I did wrong?—.

—So what you’re saying is… you don’t want Jisun to be mad at you, but you can’t think of a reason for her to be mad at you?— Wonwoo frowned, neatly storing all the tools into their respective cabinets. It was safe to say that he was the most organized staff member, not even once had he misplaced a gadget with the help of a careful and practical system that made organization easy.

Jiwon nodded, an identical frown adorned her concerned face —She literally got mad at me because I decided to keep my private life to myself… Is that so wrong?—. The sudden memory of Chan telling her about how he had found Jisun crying hit her like a truck, making her head spin, nothing was making sense and it was slowly making the team leader go insane —Am I really a bad friend for keeping secrets? I bet she does too…— she mumbled to no one in particular, playing with her nails out of habit.

—Are you sure there’s nothing else?— Wonwoo sat in the only bench of the storage room, expecting a long conversation to unveil. He was used to playing the role of The Listener, as all of the staff members coincidentally opted to ask him for advice or to merely vent their worries; he took pride in being the pacifier of the Caratland Hotel and was more than happy to offer a hand... or an ear.

Jiwon hesitated before taking a seat beside him, because she was not sure whether she had enough time to waste before Jisun was done with her shift. —I guess she could be upset because I indirectly told her that I only see them as teammates and not close friends…— she recalled, and almost dropped the basket after realization hit her. She hated trucks so much. —I’m so fucking stupid—.

—Yes, yes you are—.

—Why did I even say that?!—.

—You were probably under too much stress… At least you realized your mistake, that’s the most important thing—.

—Cool, now I’m too embarrassed to talk to her— Jiwon left the basket on the bench and hugged her knees, burying her face between her arms —I’ve known her for years, but I never took our friendship seriously because I thought that we would go our separate ways in the end— she sniffed, her voice was a trembling mess and tears threatened to spill from her eyes anytime soon —It was her idea to work together, she recruited all the members in the first place, and I always thought that she just wanted to have good grades, but now I see that she actually pictures a future where all of us can work together, even after graduation, and…— her cries interrupted the speech, her heart ached so bad, it was suffocating, but at the same time it was so relieving.

Wonwoo sighed and handed her a tissue —I guess you know what to do now— Jiwon nodded, sniffing a few more times and sanding up again —Good luck—.

—Thank you, for everything— the girl held the basket once more with her trembling hands and bowed with her head slightly —I’ll get going then—.

ㅤ

❝⭐Five Dollars and a Dream.❞

Soonyoung's plan was perfect: get a degree in contemporary dance, upload covers on YouTube, perform on the streets, ???, become rich, and live in a gigantic mansion with a family of tigers. Well, there might be flaws in his logic, but his passion (and a lucky encounter) will push him to make his dreams a reality.

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