#i'm not often one to construct character personalities out of nothing but he calls to me okay. i can't explain it

[toastytrusty]

dundy in my head is like. what if the most loyal man in the world who WILL deck someone threatening his friends at a bar and is basically an overgrown attack dog was also a soulful yearner with more love in his heart than his body could contain. what if he was deeply in love with all of his closest friends and got all mushy and pathetic whenever any ounce of that love was reciprocated. what if he loved so big and so deep that he was okay if it never was reciprocated because he gets to experience life beside them regardless. what if sharing space and time was all it took to make him happy. he gets angry easily and offended on behalf of others but never takes anything against himself to heart. something something the opinions of people he doesn't care about mean nothing to him but the regard of those he loves is the most important thing in the world. he's very put together and responsible but cares a lot more about making sure his friends are taking care of themselves than he does about taking care of himself. he's theatrical and always quick for a joke or prank or dramatic display but loves being uncomfortably genuine and heartfelt in expressing his affection. he tells himself he is content with those he loves not being able to fully love him back but borders on jealousy when they spend more time with other people. what if he was deeply deeply afraid of being alone and gets very selfish when he is afraid someone is going to leave him. his meaning is derrived entirely from those he cares about and without them he is nothing

[revxwrites]

A Phantom

The tragic story of Boboros to be forgotten. word count: 3106 words characters featured: gene adalhard. dante adalhard. maria adalhard. yelizaveta (oc). lord fedya (oc). n/a: sorry if it's confusing or repetitive, I'm not the best writer out there, but I hope you enjoy! I accept constructive critism, it's my first time actually posting my writing and would love tips. dividers: strangergraphics

c/w: graphic mentions of gore and injury. cannibalism.

Morning had just hit Boboros, it was already loud and bustling outside by the time Gene was ready for his daily duties, oh how he couldn’t wait to see his one true love. His beautiful symphony as he loved to call her, often he found her in the poppy hill near the Lord’s home, she always had a harp with her, it was melodic to hear such beautiful pieces she composed.

But nonetheless today he had more duties than usual, he better get started now than ever, being a head guard was hard work, but he prided himself in doing it to perfection.

He made his usual rounds, greeting the villagers and guards of the town, ensuring everything remained peaceful and calm, as things should be.

A tug on his deep scarlet cape brought him back to reality, looking to see his younger brother Dante with a wooden sword in hand.

-“Big bro!” his voice was bright and cheerful, the mop of blue hair with dark highlights seemingly radiant under the morning sun, a big, toothy grin that showed the gap dead in the middle, a cute reminder of the boy’s smile.

-“Morning Dante” he laughed softly at his brother’s antics, “mom already let you loose huh?” Gene teased in a playful tone, knowing most likely his mother had her own house duties to tend to, leaving Dante roaming the village.

-“Mhm! She told me to help you with your work” Dante beamed at his older brother. It was no secret the boy wished to be just like his brother when he grew up, a strong, valiant knight.

Gene sighed softly, letting Dante join him for his rounds around the village, cautious to what he saw or heard. He knew Lord Fedya didn’t like the boy accompanying him for his duties, but he couldn’t help but give into his little brother’s antics.

He saw a beautiful head of light brown locks, the girl he adored with his heart. The Lord’s daughter, Yelizaveta.

What could he not adore of her? She was a lovely woman, his same age. They grew up together before he was sent off to the O'khasis Guard Academy.

Liz had an affinity for music, she did not care for power, but for the beautiful melodies that had been taught to her by the late Lady of Boboros.

He let out a sigh, the same people would hear of those that have been struck by love.

-“See her Dante?” he says to his little brother, his dark lashes fluttering almost in awe by the sight of Liz, his beautiful symphony. The smaller boy nodded, taking in the appearance of the future Lady of Boboros.

-“One day, she’ll be my wife” Gene’s tone was filled with what could one only describe as adoration or devotion.

Of course, Gene knew that was but a lie, deep inside, in his bloody, rotten heart, he was obsessed with her. He wished for nothing but to be able to shield her from the preying eyes of other men, a deep possessive feeling rising in his chest at the sight of her.

Yelizaveta was in her room within her father’s home, her hands quietly fiddling with her mother’s harp, the only remnant of the woman that passed.

Quiet mumbles left her lips, as she picked up a quill and began writing down music notes.

A ‘waste of time’ her father called her love of music, yet the only person that saw how talented she truly was, was her childhood friend Gene. Liz was saddened when her father demanded she stopped hanging around Gene, saying it was inappropriate for a noble such as her to be so casual with a mere commoner.

Deep inside her gut, she felt butterflies each time her eyes met Gene’s deep teal ones, the way he smiled at her, how he always gently took her hand, bowing down to place a chaste kiss on her knuckles.  She was utterly enamored by Gene, but her duty was to her people.

Yelizaveta could not reciprocate such feelings, not in a million years, she was to be wed to the son of the Lord of Ironcourt. She couldn’t afford to let her emotions cloud her purpose.

Quietly, she placed her harp on its holder, exiting her quarters to go outside to merely take a breather. The due date of the wedding was close, no one in the village knew, only her and her father.

Outside the sun was already setting, as she made her way to the back of the house, lingering in the poppy hill, the same she’d grown up playing in.

But she wasn’t alone, there sat Gene, probably done with his duties for the day. He was calm, letting the soft breeze caress his thick black locks. Liz approached, gently kneeling to settle herself next to him.

-“Good day Gene” her tone is soft and regal, her light brown lashes fluttering shut as she quietly enjoyed the breeze.

-“Ah, my beautiful symphony” he spoke in an adoring tone, his teal eyes moving up to meet her face, pure calm, as she always was.

Her pale cheeks grew warm, a hint of red creeping onto them. No… she couldn’t allow herself to feel such silly emotions, if she did then Gene might….

She shook the thought from her mind, opening her eyes to meet Gene’s deep ones.

-“You cannot call me that Gene” Yelizaveta tried to be firm really, she did, but it was pointless, Gene wouldn’t listen.

-“This thing we have” she hesitated, “it can’t be. There's nothing here, you are a guard and I’m your future Lady” Liz’ eyes threatened to spill tears.

Gene felt his heart crumble, but he can see her hesitation, she’s rejecting him for a reason deeper than not wanting him.

-“Please give me a chance my beautiful symphony, I’ll make you happier than any man will” he spoke uncharacteristically soft.

-“I can’t. I’m so sorry Gene” she stood up, brushing her dress to remove the petals stuck to it before marching away into her home.

Gene was beyond livid; how could she ever deny him? He was perfect for her, and she was meant to be his, no other man could ever lay a finger on her.

He itched at the skin of his neck, his uneven nails scratching deep into his skin, but he couldn’t stand it anymore.

He needed her, even if he had to use that to make her obey.

In the cover of night, he slipped out of his family’s home, making way into the manor of the Lord. His footsteps are quiet, eerily so, almost like a ghost haunting the halls as he quietly sneaks into Yelizaveta’s room.

She looked almost like a goddess in her sleep, her wavy brown hair sprawled across the bed, her chest slowly rising and falling as to indicate her breathing. Liz wore that simple nightgown he had grown used to seeing her in.

He hadn’t been inside her room in what felt like forever, his eyes roamed around the room, until they fell on a mannequin in the corner, a wedding dress perfectly hung from it. If he wasn’t angry before, he was now.

Roughly, he shook Yelizaveta awake, she was going to shriek when Gene forcibly covered her mouth.

-“Why?” His question is a single word. Why did she reject him? Why is she getting married behind his back? Why couldn’t she be his?

She seemed petrified by having Gene in her room, he wasn’t acting like his usual gentle self, it’s almost as if he dropped a mask he was forced to keep up, replaced by a man she didn't recognize, he acted like that of a toxic lover, a man so twisted in his own ways that would do anything to get his way.

The tips of his fingers began glowing in a soft blue glow, the sign of magicks present.

She tried to push him off, but she was too weak to fight back, cursed be her father. She delivered a solid kick to his abdomen, making him stumble back.

As if on queue her door burst open, two guards grabbing Gene by his arms and yanking him away from her, he was livid, thrashing in their arms similarly to a rabid animal.

-“Let me go!” He struggled against their grip, trying to reach his fingers towards Yelizaveta’s body, a single touch to her head is all he needed to change her mind.

As if on instinct she cowered away, watching as Gene is dragged out of her room, her father walking into the room, but instead of concern, he seemed angry, as if what had happened was her fault.

Gene was put on ‘trial’ by the jury of Ironcourt, but Liz knew they had been paid by her father. He had been found guilty of attempting to ‘assault’ her, and for trying to interfere between the arranged marriage of Boboros and Ironcourt.

He was to be executed at sundown that same day.

Yelizaveta was locked away in the closet she had grown all too familiar with, forcibly slamming her entire bodyweight against the door, trying to get out. She couldn’t let Gene die, it was her fault.

She wasn’t the only one battling those thoughts, Dante, Gene’s younger brother also felt guilty of the fate that had befallen on his brother.

Dante had alerted the guards that Gene had snuck into the Lord’s house; his brother is going to die because of him.

By the time sundown had rolled around, Dante was crying in the arms of his mother, despite being twelve, almost a teenager, he was still crying like a hopeless little kid, he brought this fate upon his brother, the same man he had looked up to, was to die by his idiocy.

Gene was forced down by two guards, his executioner standing idly next to him, his own second in command holding the sword that is to kill him with a shaky grip.

He was like a feral animal, constantly trashing in the grip of the guards holding him down, he was yelling out curses, not just to his own Lord, but to his brother.

During the time he was held in a cell, he remembered overhearing the thing he dreaded. Dante, his own little brother had alerted the guards that he snuck into the Lord’s home.

-“Dante! It was you, wasn’t it?!” His deep teal eyes lock with his brother’s blue ones, nothing but raw hatred inside of them. “I swear I’ll never forgive you! You’re not my brother or ever will be!”

He managed to buck off one of the guards holding him down, before another two joined to keep him down, now being held down by four men.

-“I hate you Dante, I hate you!” Gene snarled.

Yelizaveta ran, her lungs weak from screaming and running, her bare feet running through the stone brick paths, heaving to reach the gallows.

Her gown was dragging at her feet, almost causing to trip over, but she didn’t seem to care, she couldn’t bring herself to care, not now.

Her love is going to die thanks to her.

She arrived at the gallows, pushing through the crowd of people to arrive to the front, but it was to late. All she saw was the sword swinging down to meet its target, a blood curdling scream leaving Gene’s lips, the sword had partially ripped through a part of his flesh, but it wasn’t enough to kill.

The second in command said a quiet prayer under his breath, may Irene forgive his soul for the mistake he was about to commit, then, he took another swing at his captain.

Gene however, refused to die, his eyes losing their beautiful shine as he held on to the last remnants of life he could chase. The executioner didn’t hesitate to retrieve his blade and repeat the action, dealing the killing blow onto Gene.

A shrill cry pierced through the deafening silence, Yelizaveta falling to her knees as she curled up into herself, nothing but deep crimson pooling at her knees, blood dripping off the stage. The man she once loved was now dead.

Gene’s dead eyes seemed to settle on a single person within the crowd who was petrified in his spot, Dante.

It had been around a month since Gene was executed.

Liz was still grieving him, her fingers dirty and bruised, covered in dry ash and soot. Her father had thrown Gene’s remains into a random hole in the field, but she took it upon herself to dig him out, what little was left of his bones and ash taken to his favorite place of the village, the poppy hill behind her home.

She buried him under the tree he always slept under. Despite not having working hands, she forced herself to learn how to make a grave, making it perfect, just for him.

She refused the marriage, her father attempting to forcibly drag her, but she remained still.

Gene’s bloody cape was the only thing she found solace in; the crimson fabric held the scent of blood and rot on it, yet she refused to let it go. It had been the first thing she gave Gene when he had become head guard, and she would never get to see him wearing it again.

The trauma of watching Gene die before her eyes was too much for her mind to handle, and even more so for the young Dante.

Just a twelve-year-old boy, yet he had experienced such a traumatic scene right before his eyes.

Nightmares of Gene’s dead gaze haunted his memories, almost as if wordlessly blaming him for his death. Everything was still raw in his young mind, his elder brother’s dead gaze, the smell of blood and rot that clung to Gene’s armor their family had received back. The sound of the sword tearing into his brother’s flesh was vivid, the fact that he did not die within the first blow, it was horrifying.

Not even his mother could bring herself to clean Gene’s old armor, or even look at it, leaving it to be rightfully forgotten within the cellar underneath their home.

Dante tried visiting Yelizaveta, but Lord Fedya refused to even look at the kid, kicking him away from his home. He needed to talk to her, to apologize for what had happened.

Today again was another failed try, he clutched a small bunch of poppies in hand as he defeatedly went back home, leaving the flowers in a bowl of water before going into his bedroom.

His mother, Maria, didn’t blame the young boy, he’d lost practically the only friend he had in the world, but in her mind, she didn’t think Dante was guilty.

She knew Gene wasn’t the nicest man around, he had picked up such horrible behavior from his father, which Dante was lucky to have not met.

Yet Gene had always worn the mask of a perfect, kind man, but his heart was dark and rotten deep inside.

As night rolled around, a loud commotion could be heard at the plaza.

Maria feared the worst, picking up Gene’s old mithril sword from the entrance as she held Dante’s wrist. Tentatively she walked toward the commotion, before a blood curdling scream pierced through the quiet night.

There stood a man with black and crimson armor, a helm covering his face, and at his feet, Fedya, the Lord of their village was beheaded.

Maria stood frozen in place, watching as the armored man’s clawed gauntlets ripped into the Lord’s corpse, forcibly tearing out what seemed to be the heart of the man.

-“F-father!” Yelizaveta’s voice cut through the silence, making the armored man look straight at her, not letting go the organ in hand, he slowly approached her, but she didn’t waver.

-“Who are you? What have you done?!” she was tired of being the girl who always had to be rescued, the one who had to be fought for.

The armored man merely laughed at her, his voice gurgled a raspy response.

-“My beautiful Yelizaveta… you look horrible” he took a step forward, his non bloody hand reaching to remove his helm, dropping it to the side.

She’s met with the sight of Gene, but this felt different than the man she had fallen in love with. His eyebags seemed more prominent, a deep gash running across his throat where he had been beheaded, only being held together by what seemed like staples of sorts. The scent of what she could only describe as a rotting corpse clung to him.

Liz could’ve sworn she saw a flash of red in his eyes.

-“There’s no need for you to speak” Gene’s voice is gentle, he takes her chin in his clean hand, gently pressing a single kiss to her lips, the only one he’ll ever receive in his life, alive or undead.

His fingers glowed a mellow blue, as he successfully erased every single memory of himself from her mind, letting her unconscious body gently fall in the bed of flowers in the middle of the village.

Forget me nots. How ironic. Those were always her favorite.

He turns around, his eyes turning into a deep blood red, a devilish smirk brought upon his newly formed fangs as he brings the bloody organ to his mouth, it seemed to still beat, very slowly, how adorable.

Tentatively, he took a bite, the bright red, stringy flesh tearing easily thanks to his sharp fangs. He is now to be immortal.

He took the memories of every single person of the village, every memory of him, and of his dear Dante, who now knelt at his feet crying his heart out.

-“I am going to leave you to rot Dante, no one here is going to remember you” he grabbed the young boy’s chin roughly, not caring to smudge the blood onto his face, “Not even our mother. So now you’ll wander this world alone” His voice drips that same venom it did the day of the execution.

The boy will forever remember that day, those deep crimson eyes staring back into his own blue ones. He felt like a prey locked in with a predator, those red eyes are something he will never forget, never.

Through quiet sobs, he forced himself up, the people of the village were all unconscious, all he could do was watch as his brother walked away, the vile scent of Sulphur and rot following his path.

Genesis Adalhard used to be his name, but now he is nothing but a phantom.

[patchwork-crow-writes]

A couple of days ago I wrote up a rough essay highlighting some passing similarities between the characters of Miquella in Elden Ring and Ralsei in Deltarune (read here if you'd like!), and how their shared affinities to childhood and dreams might inform the latter's character and serve to "compel" the affection of the players to one end or another.

I have had additional thoughts on the subject of Ralsei and his associations with childlike characteristics, which I would also like to share.

This may be another long one, so under the Read More it goes!

If you have read my previous post on the subject, you'll know that I drew up all the different ways that Ralsei displays or embodies the concept of childhood and infancy in his character design and personality. But one idea I failed to touch upon, which more closely links Ralsei to his dark kingdom, is that of play. Exploring the connection between the make-believe-esque natures of the dark worlds, and Ralsei's position as their prince, has yielded up some interesting insights which I would like to share with you all.

I think it would be a good idea to define what is meant by the term "play" here. The most obvious definition is as an activity which is undertaken for pleasure or recreation, as opposed to more practical concerns. But there's also believed to be an evolutionary component to play, as a way for children to learn more about themselves, their peers and the wider world in a safe and controlled environment. Children at play often imitate the behaviours and rituals of the adults around them, like cooking, socialising, working at jobs, and even the more performative aspects of romance and child-rearing (which we shall return to in a moment). Of course, play can also incorporate more fantastical elements, such as the plots and settings of movies, TV shows, comic books and video games, as well as larger-than-life concepts such as outer space, ancient history and human cultures of all stripes. To enhance the experience, participants can be assigned various roles to perform, with the aid of props that can be fashioned from all kinds of mundane objects lying around. From these building blocks, new narratives are constructed and played out, power roles are tried on and tested, and through the actions and reactions of their peers, children can learn how to get along with each other and forge stronger bonds.

And so we come to the Dark Worlds, the settings where much of Deltarune's core gameplay takes place. I'm certain you would have already begun to see how the above elements of play translate onto them. We have fantastical settings and plots - a sprawling kingdom in the first chapter and a towering megacity in the second; roles are conferred upon their participants to contextualise their journeys through those spaces; mundane objects become weapons, armour, provisions and even additional characters; and in their concluding moments the participants learn more about each other and are brought closer together as friends. This reaffirms the idea that dark worlds are glorified versions of make-believe, albeit with a clearly supernatural aspect that literally brings the fantasy aspects to life.

You can also see how this relates to Ralsei himself - as someone who has experienced almost nothing aside from his small and empty kingdom, it is through his experiences with Kris, Susie and Lancer that he begins to attain a greater understanding of the world and how it works, the people he calls his friends, the broader concepts of friendship and love, and even of his own sense of self. In many ways, he is a literal child at play, and in this context his more childlike attributes make sense.

And yet, in what might seem paradoxical, Ralsei is fairly mature and grown-up for what we might call an emobdiment of the notion of play. For one thing, he is the one that orchestrates and directs how the dark world games are played - he sets the terms under which the adventures are conducted. He casts Kris, Susie and himself as the Three Heroes, charged with the exploration and closure of new dark kingdoms; he offers guidance on how the game's mechanics work - which conveniently overlaps with teaching new players of Deltarune how to play; he is the one to offer suggestions on where to go and what to do; and he does this all in the service of ensuring the game that's being played is as fun, engaging and rewarding for the lightners as possible. There is an argument to be made on whether the Prophecy hamstrings Ralsei's ability to act, or is otherwise directing him in one way or another, but his conduct is a far cry from how we would expect a young, impulsive and easily-distracted child from performing in such a role.

Perhaps the most telling thing about Ralsei's maturity is that he is very insistent on when these adventures must come to an end. What we see of the dark worlds are finite, tightly-designed narrative experiences, though there is evidence of much more sprawling and unordered segments of these kingdoms that we are not permitted to access. Each one ends with Kris/us sealing the dark fountain away and restoring the room back to its light world arrangement. And when a threat to that finite experience presents itself, as Berdly is about to open another dark fountain in Chapter 2, Ralsei uncharacteristically snaps at him, telling the lightners that such thoughtless actions will bring about the Roaring, an event of apocalyptic proportions that will put an end to the dark worlds and their denizens once and for all.

Thus, Ralsei seems to occupy this strange, almost liminal space between childhood (learning about himself, his friends and the world through play) and adulthood (orchestrating and contextualising these play sessions, ensuring that the rules are understood and upheld, and that play ends at an appropriate moment in time). As to what this points to? Perhaps it is meant to convey that Ralsei is himself the embodiment of regulated, purposeful play - play which provides social, educational and emotional benefits to its participants - while the Roaring and the Titans might represent a notion of unregulated, self-indulgent play that is dictated by impulse and feelings, without any guiding hand to ensure that things do not run out of control, or that nobody gets seriously hurt.

And that's where my thoughts on this subject have landed so far! There's not really a point I was trying to make, just exploring a theme that I found interesting and may hold some clues about Deltarune's narrative and Ralsei's place in it. If I have additional thoughts I may regurgitate them here in a similar fashion, but otherwise, that's it for now! Thanks for taking the time to read :)

[drunkenskunk]

I'm gonna infodump about one of my OCs, and nobody can stop me!

There's a character of mine that I have very occasionally posted about here: Tuera Ashama. And I think... I should probably explain what she's all about. Especially since I commissioned artwork of her a while back from the two most amazing people in the world.

(Animation by @b0tster)

(Artwork by @pommycore)

Tuera is a character that has existed in my head for a very... very long time. And I keep forgetting that a lot of the places where I used to talk about her kind of... don't... exist anymore? So whenever I start to talk about Tuera, nobody has any idea who the fuck she is or what the fuck I'm talking about.

Fuck, I'm old.

So who the hell is Tuera Ashama, anyway?

I suppose if I wanted to be boring, I could just repost those redacted documents I made for that project thing I'm working on for my own amusement, and call it a day.

But this doesn't really tell anyone who the fuck she is, especially with so much covered in all that black ink. This is just a fictional document created by a fictional government agency of fictional multiverse space cop assholes. And starting with this document is really getting ahead of myself, in more ways than one.

Tuera has a very specific origin, and I want to apologize for the jumpscare that's about to happen:

Yeah.

Tuera was originally a warlock alt of mine in World of Warcraft, from when I played the game all the way back in fucking high school.

To the best of my recollection, I probably came up with her sometime before April 2006. And I only know that because of the metadata from a scanned image that I somehow managed to save from back then:

Tuera was originally meant to be nothing more than a villain for my main on that account, a human rogue named Sheason. She was literally supposed to be a "villain of the week" for the RP guild I was in at the time. Because that's the kind of nerd I was back in high school: the kind of idiot who played Warcraft III for the story and bought the officially licensed d20 Warcraft ttrpg before World of Warcraft was even a thing. I was there day fucking one for WoW, playing on Shadow Council, a fucking RP server.

She didn't really have much of a personality when I first came up with her, beyond existing as a literal foil for Sheason. He was a dude; she was a girl. He was a relatively grounded spy with no magic; she was a half-demon warlock. He was a bitter and reluctant hero who tried to fix things from the shadows; she was a Card Carrying Villain, and a narcissist who loved the spotlight and committed crimes in full view of everyone. He was always flying by the seat of his pants, and trusting his gut instincts more often than not; she had plans within plans within plans, and considered herself a mad genius who studied magic like others studied science. He just wanted to survive; she had an insatiable lust for power.

Even when she became a more reoccurring problem and I started slowly fleshing out the character, her vibe was very firmly entrenched in the territory of Supervillain, because that's all she really needed to be, especially because every time she died (and she's died A LOT), she'd come back stronger.

If you want an idea of what she was like at her peak of Full Supervillain Mode, imagine a cross between Thanos, Blofeld, the Phoenix Force, and Pisha.

From Thanos: the megalomania, the ego, the love of monologuing, and the mad genius. From Blofeld: the seemingly inexhaustible resources to construct elaborate supervillain lairs in increasingly absurd locales (she even have a volcano lair at one point). From the Phoenix Force: tremendous and terrifying cosmic power capable of shattering reality. And from Pisha, the nagaraja vampire from Bloodlines: an abyss of time behind her eyes, a collector of powerful and strange occult artifacts, and an existence beyond petty morality, being shunned by mortal and her own kin alike.

I mean, you could probably swap Thanos with Doctor Doom and lose nothing, because her most defining feature was her uncanny ability to cheat death with a variety of methods. But that's just quibbling over semantics, especially since they both did the "Doombot" thing.

The only reason I chose Thanos instead of Doom is because one of her biggest fortresses was in space, and Thanos is a far more cosmic adversary than Doom.

Thing is, the more I wrote about Tuera, the more fascinated I became with her as a character. The more depth I wanted to give her, outside of being just a cardboard cutout of a villain. I started to flesh out her backstory more. She was originally a half-succubus, because of course she fucking was, I was a desperately horny high schooler. But this is also where things get slightly interesting.

Fun fact! I realized that Tuera was trans LONG before I realized that I was. And, with the benefit of hindsight, it really does feel like my subconscious was desperately screaming at me to figure this out. It's almost funny, because I originally justified it to myself by being like "oh, I'm just filling in a plot hole, this doesn't have any deeper meanings that I should maybe examine."

See, I did eventually realize that she shouldn't have been the result of her father fucking a demon, that's just stupid and immature. No, it was a much better idea to have her be "designed" and "grown" instead of being born. Her "father," Venthrax, was an evil genius with designs on universal conquest, and would've created her to be a living weapon of that conquest. Except... why would he make her a girl? He'd be shoving her full of different genetics and demon blood and alien anatomy, but the base he'd be working with would naturally be a clone of himself, wouldn't it? Venthrax is a fucking asshole who obviously believes that he was the perfect organism, so he'd want his living weapon to be a copy of himself, but Better.

And Tuera didn't agree with that assessment. For more information, please read this:

Even funnier, at least to me: it was around that time that one of her abilities changed that further cemented the whole "you're definitely trans, dipshit" thing that I wouldn't realize until years later. Because at first, being "half-succubus," she was meant to be a prolific and skilled shapeshifter. But after I changed her backstory, the shapeshifting was slowly but eventually dropped in favor of her making portals and using teleportation spells. This is funny to me, because many, MANY years later, I'd come across this tweet:

The moment I saw that, I was just like "...yeah, that tracks."

Speaking of the teleportation, that's another thing that changed. Long before I finally realized Blizzard games aren't actually written well at all, causing me to lose all my interest in WoW, and long before I swore off Activision Blizzard King games entirely after Black February, Tuera just... left Azeroth. I kept writing stories about her hopping around the multiverse, but she was no longer tethered to the worlds of warcrafts.

It was around that time, writing these short little unconnected vignettes about her adventures across time and space, that I realized: she's much more interesting when she's not a supervillain.

Like, don't get me wrong, she's still not really a good person She's still very much selfish, and self-centered with, in her own words: "a casual tolerance for murder to rival even the hardest of hardcore dungeon crawlers," but... I mean, she's just not a dick for no reason anymore, y'know?

It's kinda funny, because she's still doing the same kind of things she used to do, just... for slightly different reasons, and I no longer consider them overtly villainous. For example: one of her first villain plots in the RP guild I was part of involved Tuera starting a cult to try and topple the Stormwind monarchy and take it over for herself. And now... she'd still want to destroy the monarchy, but just not to replace it. It'd be more out of a sense of a "fuck the nobles, death to all tyrants" kind of mindset.

To be honest, I think the main appeal of Tuera as a character for me is that she is more than a little bit of a wish fulfillment power fantasy. She can live unapologetically as herself without worry. She doesn't care about the opinions of anyone but herself. She lives without fear, because everyone who has ever tried to kill her has either failed, or it didn't stick. She's loud, she's brash, she stylish, and she does so many things simply for the aesthetic of it. When she sets her mind to something, she is completely unfettered in the pursuit of her goals, and will never stop. She's defied death, she killed gods, she's visited times and places I can't even imagine.

Tuera has complete autonomy over her own life. True freedom.

And I just... I compare that to my own life. The fact that, while I can admit I'm trans here on the internet, I'm so deathly terrified of trying to transition in real life because of... [vaguely gestures at everything] that I still haven't yet. And, to be honest, I probably won't get the chance before I die.

There is just so much about her that I wish I was.

But I'm not.

Ah well.

At least I can write my silly little stories, scratch out my silly sketches, and occasionally commission fantastic artwork from amazing people.

... wait, I just realized. I spent all this time talking about Tuera, but I still haven't gotten around to explaining what the fuck is up with that fake redacted document from the beginning.

Maybe I'll talk about D.I.C.E. another day.

[the-firebird69]

So who's controlling it oh see a good guy now no you admit it and you say it on tape and it's verifiable but yeah you're admitting it out of your mouth therefore people know what you're up to and yeah we're going to mirror it. And our stuff is better yes and it's a good idea for us not for you and mac daddy knows it and you don't for some reason is it when bad ideas you use and they're less effective somehow get better from being run by someone stupid.? It's at work but holy s*** are you a freaking dick about it and you know you don't understand it's a parallel and you're a massive massive big mouth you're a huge a****** you got nothing bias you're hitting your own people I don't understand what you're talking about Billy hicks AKA Donald Trump.. there's some news about you bud. You're losing your shirt. Yeah people are sue you all over the world the ones that made it to the news there are 10 lawsuits all of them in the United States that made the news now there are five in the USA and five elsewhere. All of them are suited for several hundred million dollars and it's liable slander and your big mouth. Ruining businesses and they said they should sue for more but that's just the first lawsuit. And judicial branch and Congress and Senate I'm going to bring formal charges against you and you know about it and you say that it's nothing just like January 6th committee did nothing and it adds up to stuff but okay. They plan on filing a suit on Friday and the court is sending you letters you are to cease and desist all executive orders until further notice the Congress and Senate got together and agreed what to do the Senate has sent you notification that you will be impeached if you continue your actions and it is by majority vote me you lost the support of the Republicans and you are now a defacto Liam president that means that's all you are and I didn't want to say figurehead Biden was a figurehead but he had game and represented a smaller but very sharp group and was actually keeping them out and foreigners where is her son pointed out that you are not protecting the South as of yet you probably will and yours will come in and then you will turn around and say sorry but no and start a war on your people just as it was in the war of 1812 and I said referenced it while talking to Stan and Stan says you're going to run out and turn around and try and block them because they're your enemies cuz you have to stay near them and you hate all things near you cuz you're a freak. And our son is enthused by some characters around and they're nearby and you know they're different personalities than this guy but that is going to happen and that war was kind of mild compared to the Spanish-American war which is when they will pour it on and you will be sucked down south and get your ass kicked there's some weird things going on in the movies Obi-Wan Kenobi is fighting bja and it's strange and Trump is still around and he's an understudy of Biden it's on and if I didn't have a character in the Senate and the Congress he is a senator and a famous one and he is also and lieutenant governor in three states and he is president of the foreign country Ireland and our son says boy to think it might ire up and Biden is laughing.

he doesn't care he gets his ass kicked.

But back to today they're rumblings about Friday now their plans they have to start proceedings against him to impeach him and it's in the news every so often people keep joining up when we last talked with around 37 States suing to revoke the board of the USA clause in one of his executive orders and they were actually in the junction against it as well from the supreme Court of the United States now there are 51 states suing that's all we got Puerto Rico probably will join in in part of the Dominican Republic and part of Mexico and so on they are suing as of right now and they have a court injection on them and they're trying to enforce it and feel the injunction via the injection they are being arrested by all law enforcement they're also being ousted from law enforcement as a result cleared out everyday their new recruits who say that this guy are getting fired or removed jailed imprisoned or shot really fast it's not like plaque it's really fast they just come and stick to you so they're clearing them out and it's going on globally as we said the trumpsters are diminishing still more fast there are a large number of them leaving permanently it's getting bigger and bigger faster and faster and the numbers are actually surprising there are about 80 percent of the people left here in Charlotte county that were here yesterday the rest of them have left and kind of the hard way and they are gone not to return and they left because they were sick and he died and that was from yesterday that's a very big number at any given point in time there's about 8 million people here so 20% is around 1.7 million people a little less there's a lot of people gone from one day's activity we have to tell you it is getting bad out there and evil there's a lot of people who are very mean but that's a large percentage to lose that quick that's all of Charlotte county and it's rather quiet here our son says and daughter even then it doesn't sound like there's a lot of activity and frankly it's true when they are it's fairly quiet it doesn't seem to be much activity or deaths or people pulling people out yet when you look at the data it is how it reads so people are upset about it all over the county and the beginning to be upset all over the world and they don't like what these fellows are doing is so there angry with them because of the loss of life and the numbers are getting high granted the ones who passed away or the weaker ones but at times dream the world's existence they were doing a valuable job and toss the side like they're nothing because these people are indeed nothing they're sick and stupid and lost it and they're destroying more leaders every day they die in the rings and the Everglades and soon it will be all over. And the death rate is increasing that 80% remaining is from one day no it's about a week and they're right and it's like 1 to 200,000 a day those numbers are fierce that's a lot of people with a small area and let's face it they're not very bright it could be doing a lot of stuff they're not doing anything and it won't change we don't expect it to and the demons will come in it will drag in the borg. And they will fight the warlock and get it entwined with them and the warlock will get their asses handed to them over and over and it will be public the max will try and take advantage and foreigners and we as well and people who have slated us and maligned us will regret every single word except for Trump who is so deluded that he will think he's in charge and won't have a way of telling okay and he's a little baby that guy you talk to us like our children and his life is completely over.

They are bringing formal criminal charges against him Friday they are going to begin the impeachment process Friday they're going to Levy finds against him from the federal government the doj is going to slap him with multiple injunctions and restrictions he is under investigation by all of the agencies of in the USA for criminal actions and activities within the states and outside the states he is also going to be brought on trial for terrorism and it's echo-terrorism and it's the economy and s*** he put in the rivers and lakes

Thor Freya

Olympus

Hahaha my husband is saying look at the big retarded redhead getting his ass kicked on the ground lol yeah there's an image and it was funny and now it's turning to Billy Hicks I guess that character is going to come out quite a bit and get beat up because you represents he represents the Hicks in the Midwest and it's now him representing his own people then they say it's going to switch to us or something I don't think so Donald Trump perhaps right there around John Riva lines their death is your death and vice versa you smiling saying oh yeah I got that happening now and will increase

Hera

[vinxwatches]

star trek: Lower Decks season 2

actions pact start. on the one side it's a very interesting conflict. on the other this feels like trying to undo the setup of the finally. ok, semi reset. like the option of them working together, but also maintaining the status quo

i do hope that main guy and main girl don't get together. i just think their relationship is so much better as a friendship. lamp shading animation errors. neat. odd to introduce a new character to just replace him with an old one.

ok. last episode did some lampshading. but if they just undo a major character death then that's just stupid. like maybe it's a reference to another show but that doesn't work in this show on it's own, and if the show doesn't work on it's own then that's a major weakness of the show. like if it's the plot of the episode great. but it better not be just a throw away joke or lampshade. so she's pansexual. it wasn't confirmed yet. yet somehow her being straight or even lesbian would be a bigger surprise. ok, they actually did something with it. more a joke, but at least it's something i can accept.

ok, i'm a very basic bitch. i just love myself some badass lady.

"we call ourselves the redshirts. makes us sound invinsible" even with my Very limited knowledge on startrek i get that joke.

everything tastes like black liquorish... well, being dutch would come in handy there. not like i'm the biggest fan of liquorish, but i grew up with it. random question: is liquorish related to liquor name wise? not much of a revelation. is or isn't he ready? what's their relationship like going forward?

roles reversed episode... but like... one of the big points is the that higher up often do a very meh job. showing their job is hard is stupid ways fails on so many levels. the point has to that it's rigged right? ok, they made good use of it.

so here's something i just thought of: the conceit of this show is that many people want to rank up, going from lowest rung to highest officer. this... well it's stupid. lets compare it to me: i'm a programmer. if the company i worked at worked like this then tough hard work and showing of i could move up the ranks. manager, maybe HR, CEO... i would not be able to do that. well except CEO because in big companies that's not a job. no matter how good i show of to be at making a program that's not the training i'd need to lead a team. i'd prefer the person to lead the team to be a good leader over being a good programmer. of course understanding what your team is doing well enough is part of being a good leader, you can't be a leader in construction and become a leader store management without training and be any good. but a leader wouldn't need to understand how my code works to be a good leader. their method of ranking up makes sense for a show (or a game) as it means the protagonists (or you the player) have something they can work towards. but in reality it's a sign of at best outdated leadership structures. now it makes sense why star trek has it: it's an old show based of submarine battles. so of course it takes hints from the military, which stuck for a long time or even still sticks to going from the bottom to the top instead of training people for different ranks. and as i said it works well for narratives. but it's still worth pointing out.

wait... why is there a door for the spaceport inside which spaceships remain? a massive interior space without atmosphere. i mean, could be justified as keeping it safe from debris, but still seems silly. i mean i was going to save compared to smaller hatches for individual ships, but that would mean multiple gates while this just means one giant gate all ships have to pass trough. still feel silly, but i can make it make sense. i doubt they put this much thought into it.

i feel so much for the lady who got angry over the ballroom dancing competition having to be postponed. damn you empathy.

damn this is a cool setup. and i already know the twist, it'll all be for nothing as the other ship will be able to save itself. either ruining the captains chances for success or making her want to stay on the old ship.

damn good finally already.

damn... that twist though.

[tomatomagica]

Why laziness doesn't exist

There is probably not a person in the world who hasn't been told at least once, "You're just lazy". We hear about laziness from childhood - from parents, grandparents, and teachers ("A capable girl, but lazy. You should try harder!"). Later we ourselves begin to use this phrase and call ourselves, our partners and children lazy. But is it really that simple with this idea? Dahl's Dictionary tells us that laziness is "a reluctance to work, an aversion to work, to doing, to occupation; a tendency to idleness. Interestingly, laziness is seen here in two senses at once: as a deed or temporary condition when a person does not want to work, or as a permanent character trait - if a person is inclined to do nothing. 

However, psychology treats laziness very differently: it believes that it is neither a feeling nor a quality of character, but a social construct. There are basic emotions - fear, sadness, anger, and joy - that are common to all higher mammals, and we feel them in approximately the same way. But there is no such feeling as laziness - there is a feeling of fatigue or a state of apathy, there is aggression, which can be expressed in the unwillingness to do something (the same "aversion to work"). The character trait "lazy" does not exist either - we use it to describe people who do not want to do something that we think they should. Even if we're talking about ourselves. 

Where does laziness come from? 

Usually laziness is first told to us by parents or teachers. A child may learn that they are "lazy" in different situations: for example, when they are not energetic enough in the opinion of the elders - that is, apathetic and lethargic. A healthy child should really be active, so lethargy is really a cause for concern. But in this case, it is better to consult a doctor or a psychologist, and not to label it. The second and, probably, most frequent variant is when a child is not interested in what his parents consider useful and necessary: "You are lazy to clean the room", "You are lazy to do homework", "You are lazy to visit grandparents. There can be a hundred different reasons for not wanting to do something, but since parents are considered the unquestionable authority, and our culture still does not talk to the child about his desires and feelings, any disobedience is usually blamed on either bad behavior (when the child actively rebels) or laziness (which is considered a passive rebellion). Growing up, we get used to this concept and begin to describe ourselves and other people through it.

Unfortunately, the idea of "laziness" prevents us from understanding our own feelings, motivations, and even our physical condition: sudden apathy, which we habitually dubbed laziness, when examined by a doctor can turn out to be the onset of bronchitis, a low hemoglobin level, or pregnancy. The notion of laziness can cause us to start pushing ourselves. Compare: the phrase "I'm resisting it" prompts further reflection, prompts us to figure out what's going on - what am I resisting, what's the reason? What is it that I don't like or don't like about it? And the words "I am lazy" imply a moralizing view. Laziness here is a "vice" that must be eradicated. "Laziness" is a convenient label for a whole bunch of tangled feelings, uncomfortable and unpleasant relationships, conflicts that keep us from being active 

Psychologists or coaches are often approached with something like this request: "How do I start my tenth project when the previous nine have worn me out to the point of exhaustion?", "I sleep four hours, work twelve hours without days off, and there's no way I can start learning French. I'm lazy, aren't I?" Of course, laziness has nothing to do with it. No amount of self-motivation techniques will help a man who is weary. His problem is rather that he cannot stop thinking of himself as an omnipotent cyborg and recognize himself as a living person with a need for rest, doing nothing, and having fun. Usually in such cases one has to turn to childhood and family attitudes. It is not uncommon there to find ideas that vacations are "shameful," that they have to be "earned" or have good reasons for them (three years without a vacation, a serious illness). Or the attitude that only those who do good are loved. A great deal of usefulness. The person who wants to be loved and accepted begins to work himself to the bone, destroying himself and the close relationship - there is simply no resource left for them. When he feels that the relationship is collapsing, feels unwanted, he tries to work even harder against all odds. Mom and Dad demonstrated that they love hardworking people like that - then, this must be true for other people as well! 

What is laziness hiding?

Very often "laziness" is a convenient label for a whole tangle of confusing feelings, uncomfortable and unpleasant relationships, and conflicts that prevent us from being active. For example, you are "lazy" to get a second higher education or to improve your skills. It's scary to think about: maybe you are "lazy" because you don't want to do something that seems pointless to you? For example, if you did not set the goal yourself - just someone important to you suggested to you that a second higher education is necessary.

If you don't have any energy to go to the courses or to sit at the desk after your main job and you are desperately truant, it's time to ask yourself the question: what was the purpose of all this? If you dream of a career change, maybe just applying for an internship would be enough? Or even just send a resume for a position at a slightly lower salary, writing in all the experience of working in similar occupations. You'd be surprised how much shorter the path to your goal is if you figure out what you really want.

Or maybe the initial goal was to please mom and dad? Then it is worth looking for a less energy-consuming way - and even work with a psychologist on where the demonstration of love and gratitude to parents ends and begins to live other people's life scenarios.

You should be careful if laziness covers you every time when you undertake a task (a meeting, a project, a trip) connected with a certain person or group of people. For example, at work, you put off tasks from a certain client to the last minute, although you always carry out the rest on time - you just can not bring yourself to start. Or you are lazy before a trip to some friends or relatives, although in other cases you endure a much longer trip. It even happens that over and over again you don't want to open a book or watch a movie recommended by someone.

In this case, it is worth remembering what has been happening in your relationship lately. Usually there are good reasons: laziness turns out to be a way to passively resist aggression, violation of boundaries, humiliation, violation of agreements. Indeed, it is "lazy" to meet with a friend who canceled two previous meetings when you were already on your way. And you don't want to do a project for a client, from whom you then have to demand a fee for months. "Too lazy" to go to relatives who criticize your lifestyle, who are rude, who violate boundaries. And you don't even want to read a book from a person who treats you badly - and it's not that you supposedly don't seek knowledge, but that difficult feelings about the person are transferred to reading, watching a movie, or traveling.

"You're just being lazy!"

The phrase "you're just lazy" is also an excellent means of manipulation. Essentially, the person is telling you, "I want you to do this. If you don't do it, I'll think you're bad, and I'll try to instill that same thought in you." The appropriate thing to talk about here is not the qualities of your character, but the activity that you are supposedly lazy to do.

Talking about an employee being lazy at work can be a "good" way to brush off all the uncomfortable issues, from salary delays to imbalances of power and responsibility. In this way, the employer may be trying to move the conversation away from the business relationship into categories of evaluation and morality, and that's wrong. You may be "lazy" to take on other people's responsibilities and overwork without extra pay. Or you are "too lazy" to do a project yourself that requires more formal authority and promotion. And here it's very helpful to call things by their proper names: "I'm sorry, I don't think it's acceptable to require me to stay until 9 p.m. on a Friday night without overtime pay," "In order to take on this project, I must have the authority to sign documents and your power of attorney."

When your partner says you are "just too lazy" to mop the floors and make dinner after a full day of work, instead of accusations and excuses, it's more appropriate to talk about how to share household chores. If you are "too lazy" to visit my mother at the cottage hundreds of miles from the city, it is worth thinking about what was going on in your relationship or if you are not tired. In any case, it is useful to think not about laziness, but about whether a working person is physically able to drive six hours through traffic on Saturday to the cottage to return home the same way on Sunday night to Monday, and how necessary it is to express love for parents in this form (this is a big question).

One of the most difficult issues is when there is conflict behind laziness. The worst is when what you do conflicts with your values - to exaggerate, it's very hard to be vegan and work at a meatpacking plant, or to advocate for body positivity and promote beauty pageants. In this case, laziness is literally salvation. It is a healthy resistance to what one considers immoral, harmful, or dishonest. And activities that go against your life principles are best changed as soon as possible because they are destructive.

The idea of laziness is like a trash can, where all kinds of unwanted and uncomfortable feelings are thrown out instead of being dealt with. So if you are suddenly overwhelmed by laziness and guilt about it, it's time to rummage in that garbage can, pull out your accumulated feelings and emotions, and examine them carefully.

written by psychologist Yana Shagova, published in Wonderzine, translated from russian using DeepL

[nattikay]

Kaltxì!! i'm just here to say how much i adore your art & your content!!! it brings me so much joy to see you draw the sully family, they're just so cute :") especially the newest art of jake, neytiri, neteyam and kiri - it's just so nice to see them happy together like this <33 your ocs are amazing too, btw!

this question is kinda random but i'm still going to ask, do you have any sully family headcanons (or na'vi headcanons in general)? i'm just curious, my brainrot is way too strong i can't stop thinking about them fsjdjdh

have a nice day! :] Eywa ngahu!

Aww, thank you!

Headcanons? hmmm.....I don't think I have many at the moment, but perhaps a few:

A silly one is that Balto is Lo'ak's favorite movie no I do not take constructive criticism. How did he watch the movie, dunno, the kids seem to hang around the scientists often enough, perhaps Norm introduced them to a few cartoons one day idk

The whole family is of course bilingual but stick mostly to Na'vi by default. On that note, none of the Metkayina know any English at all; everything we hear from them is translated from Na'vi for the audience.

I know it's a fairly popular headcanon in the fandom right now that Kiri is autistic; as for me I'm a little on the fence about it. On the one hand I highly doubt that she was intentionally written to be autistic. On the other, though, as an autistic person myself who also grew up as the awkward weird kid (a tearful "why am I different?" to Grace's spirit hit kinda hard)....I can definitely understand where the theory's coming from. I know people who dislike this headcanon say that just because an autistic person relates to a character it doesn't mean that character is autistic, and yes I absolutely agree with that--I relate for many reasons to many characters that I don't view as autistic--but I can see where people are getting those vibes with Kiri and can sympathize with wanting to view her that way. So.....maybe? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Speaking of Kiri, based on what we've seen in the movie and until we get further evidence to contradict it, my theory on her origins is that she has no biological father--she's a genetic clone of Grace's avatar somehow spurred into existence by Eywa. How, exactly, we don't know, but given what we know thus far it seems to be the most likely possibility imo.

...on that note, though, can we please stop calling her "space Jesus"? I get why people draw the comparison, apparent immaculate conception and divine abilities and whatnot, but unless her purpose on Pandora is secretly somehow to sacrifice her life to atone for the Na'vi's sins (which I very much doubt is the case), the connection doesn't quite work, and feels a tad disrespectful. ^^;

Lastly, I don't think Jake became a "military dad" until after the RDA returned. I hesitate to even call this one a "headcanon" so much as simple analysis given what we saw in the opening montage, where he is shown to be very warm and playful with his kids. The military side only emerged out of necessity when suddenly the family was at very real risk of one wrong move getting them killed in the reignited war. (also there's nothing wrong with Neteyam and Lo'ak calling him "sir". Like, if Jake was strictly enforcing that they only ever call him "sir" at all times then yeah I would agree, that's kinda cold and harsh, but he doesn't, they call him "Dad" most of the time; an occasional respectful "sir" when they are in trouble is nowhere near the big issue some of y'all are treating it as).

[golmac]

More on workshop

So. I was asked in a reply why I don't like CW workshop. It's a good, reasonable question. I tried to answer, but there's a character limit for replies. I'll try again here, and hopefully I won't get too bogged down in the details.

Before going to grad school, I worked in automobile factories. In manufacturing, processes are the activities that, in total, lead to a desired outcome. A process that consistently leads to desirable results is said to have a high level of quality.

Workshop is a process, just like painting a car door is a process. There is a loose collection of practices or activities that make up the workshop. We're taught about them in pedagogy classes and articles. Mechanically, workshop favors certain types of writing over others. This is a function of what can be quickly and easily articulated in a group setting.

Its stated goal--making poems better--is pretty loaded. A workshop, like any social organism, has persons with more and less privilege, more and less social capital, and so on. What happens when you get a bunch of people together to make art "better?" A teacher has a big role to play in making such spaces equitable, and some have a lot of success, but the question is still fraught IMO.

The upshot of having people from various backgrounds with different aesthetic tastes is that workshops often... I won't call it the lowest common denominator because that's insulting and not quite right, but it is fair to say that workshops push art in the direction of things that everyone agrees on. I mentioned Raymond Carver in my earlier reply because I think he's the prototype of that Iowa Writer's Workshop author. His stories feature things that are aesthetically very solid. Economical prose with specific, evocative imagery. The narrative voice never editorializes. Masculine, verby constructions. This is the kind of writing that workshop privileges. I could use Mary Gaitskill as a more recent example (I love Mary Gaitskill!).

& you know what? There's a good reason for that. Raymond Carver's stories are very, very sound, technically. So people agree. Be more specific. Don't editorialize. It's very good advice, which is why people keep handing it out. It all makes so much sense that it's easy to overlook the fact that good poems and stories don't always comply.

I had a poem that got published in Nimrod, a nice mid-tier journal out of TU. It's about a single mother at her child's funeral. She's explaining to her child (or talking to herself, perhaps) why she didn't call the baby's father. I spent twenty minutes of my life fielding questions about where the father is, and why he and the mother aren't still together, and where they met, and I'm like Jesus, people, this is a sonnet, not a Raymond Carver story. We never talked about technical features of the poem. This was not an unusual experience for me.

That's to say nothing of workshopping poems about mental illness. I felt like I was being dissected, and I'm not shy about discussing my diagnosis.

Ultimately, I just think groups of people are good at evaluating some sorts of art but not others. I also think that's ok, as long as that's understood.

Anecdotally, my writing students all preferred one-on-one conferencing, anyway. By a wide margin. I'm out of that game, now, but if I were teaching Introduction to Creative Writing again I'd do one workshop (because it's an expected competency of the class) and otherwise do conferences. On my evaluations, students said that conferencing made them feel more valued as writers and that the feedback was more useful. And that was my jam.

[tomorrow-and-tomorrows]

SNK 139.5: Towards the Final Pages with no Final Answers

The final pages of the updated ending are bold, but I think ultimately more evocative than the original preliminary ending.

Even after the intensely polarized reader reception that took issue with the lack of storytelling precision and clarity when it was most needed, SNK chose to end with a decisively ambiguous symbol. In literature, a symbol is something that clearly means something -- but with the most "literary" symbols, their meaning cannot be absolutely defined; any attempted answer as to what a symbol represents has no finality or certainty, and interpretation will remain ever open to debate. A symbol both invites and resists interpretation.

Naturally, the immediate response to the symbolic tree on the final page is to try answering the invitation to the question, "What does it mean?"

One prominent answer I've seen is that it symbolizes the continuation of the cycle of war and violence either because a) of the symbolic parallel to Ymir or b) on a more literal level, that it implies the actual potential revival of new era of Titans. A reasonable interpretation either way, but also, I think, an incomplete one.

The first reason for this is that "the endless cycle of war" was already clearly and powerful represented in the preceding panels:

The cycle of war was already continuing in the decades or centuries before the child arrived at the tree. A culminating image symbolizing the persistence or resurgence of an era of war as the final panel would thus arguably be redundant and unnecessary.

Furthermore, the chapter is entitled "Toward the Tree on That Hill." If the tree were simply a symbol of war, by implication the chapter could equally be called 'toward the endless cycle of war'. But such a relentlessly bleak and tonally flat ending sentiment would be firmly incongruous with the story's recurrent conviction in the equal cruelty and beauty of the world -- a conviction that I believe it has been faithful to all the way to its end.

The Long Defeat

But while on this topic of war, let's linger a moment on the "cruelty" side and the consequence of this wordless construction and subsequent destruction of a city -- the most bold and possibly controversial additional panels that are also my personal favourite additions.

One objection that has emerged against this brief sequence of Paradis' apparent destruction is that it renders the entire story to be "pointless". Eren's 80% Rumbling, Armin's diplomatic peace talks between the remnants of the Allied Nations and Paradis, and before that, the proposal of the 50-year plan and Zeke's euthanasia plan... everything, to the very beginning to the Survey Corps' dreams of some kind of freedom; was it all for nothing? All that striving, that hope, that final promise bestowed upon Armin: was it all a pointless story? Even more radically, is the story suggesting that Eren might as well have continued the Rumbling to 100% of the earth? Was Zeke's euthanasia plan the cruel but correct choice all along? What was the point of rejecting the 50-year plan if that had a greater chance of success at preventing this outcome?

I think Isayama suddenly pulling back to such a long-term view of history to the scale of decades or even centuries into the future calls for a reorientation in attitude towards exactly what kind of story we have been reading. Yes, if the metric is Paradis' survival, maybe it was indeed all "pointless". But that's also to say that, on the broadest scale, SNK is a story about futility, that it is a deliberate representation of the struggle to make one's actions historically meaningful.

In the long view of history, all the events, from Grisha running beyond the wall to see the airships and the first breaking of Wall Maria to Erwin's sacrifices, Paradis' discovery of the outside world, and finally to the Battle of Heaven and Earth, it would all merely be a handful of chapters in the history textbooks of the future. A future in which war and geopolitical conflict will continue even without Titans. That does not mean that all paths to the future are equal -- the 50-year plan would not have put an end to Titans, and Zeke's euthanasia plan distorts utilitarian ethics into just another form of oppression; there are better and worse decisions that lead to more and less degrees of suffering, but no decision can ever be the final one.

The additional panels remind us that in history, there never exists a singular "Final Solution". The reason there are readers who vehemently support Eren to have flattened 100% of the world, and the reason the Paradisians supported the oppressive, authoritarian, proto-fascist Jaegar Faction under Floch and even after the Rumbling, is that because they want to believe that a Final Solution to end conflict exists and will work. They resist the fundamental uncertainty and complexity of the situation, instead preferring a singular, unified, and coherent Answer to Paradis' struggle to survive. I'm reminded of the scholar Erich Auerbach's theorization of why fascism appealed to many people during periods of political and social crisis, change, and uncertainty. Writing in exile after fleeing Nazi Germany, he observed that:

"The temptation to entrust oneself to a sect which solved all problems with a single formula, whose power of suggestion imposed solidarity, and which ostracized everything which would not fit in and submit - this temptation was so great that, with many people, fascism hardly had to employ force when the time came for it to spread through the countries of old European culture." (from Mimesis p. 550)

This acutely describes the Jaegar Faction's rise to power and continued dominance in Paradis. But their promise of unity, of a single formula to wipe out the rest of the world either literally through the Rumbling, or to dominate them with military force, is a false one. Even if Eren had Rumbled 100% of the world instead of 80%, history would still go on. The external threat of the world may have been eliminated, but internal conflict and violence would still continue onward throughout the generations born on top of the blood of the rest of the world. Needless to say, out of all the options, Eren's 80% Rumbling is the very epitome of perpetuating the cycle of violence as it creates tens of thousands of war orphans like Eren once was, and it would justify employing violence for one's own self-interest to an extreme degree. For the generations to come that would valourize Eren as a hero, it would set a dangerous precedent for what degree of destruction is acceptable for self-defence -- nothing short of the attempt to flatten the entire world. It is no surprise that Paradis would meet a violent end when its founding one-party rule of the Jaegar Faction has their roots in such unapologetically bloody foundations.

Neither the 80% Rumbling nor the militaristic, ultra-nationalistic Jaegar faction that come to govern Paradis are glamourized as the "correct" solution to ensuring Paradis' future. (This can also put to rest any accusations of SNK's ending as "fascist" or "imperialist" propaganda, since the island's modern nation that they founded ends in war. All nations must fall eventually, but not all do in such blatant destruction). Importantly, neither is Armin's diplomatic mission naively idealized as that which permanently achieves world peace. No singular or unifying formula can work because reality is complicated. Entrusting oneself to seemingly simple Answers is simply insufficient, even if they are ideals of peaceful negotiation; that method may work given the right conditions, but the world will always eventually complicate its feasibility.

After all in the real world, there's the absurd irony that some in the West had called the First World War "The War to End all Wars". These days, WWI is merely one long chapter in our textbooks just a few pages away from the even longer chapter of the Second World War that is followed by all the rest of the conflicts that have followed since then even with the establishment of diplomatic organizations like the United Nations. In this sense, showing Paradis' eventual downfall is perhaps the only way to end such a series that is so concerned with history, from King Fritz's tribal expansion into empire, the rise and fall of Marleyan ascendency, and finally of the survival and apparent shattering of Paradis.

From its beginning to its end, SNK has poignantly evoked J.R.R. Tolkien's conception of history as The Long Defeat. In one character's words, "together through ages of the world we have fought the long defeat". That is to say, "no victory is complete, that evil rises again, and that even victory brings loss".

No heroes, only humans

Eren's desperate, fatalistic resignation to committing the Rumbling, along with the characters' rejection of all the rest of the earlier plans to ensure Paradis a future, are merely the actions of human beings to that began with the need to find not even necessarily a Final Answer, but at least an acceptable and feasible one for the time being. But the characterization of Eren's confusion, childishness, and regret in the final chapter is startlingly real in how it demonstrates how, all along, we have been dealing not with grand heroes, but simply people who have no answers at all. SNK has always been about failures - and often ironic failures; it has always been a story about painful and frequently futile struggle.

People make mistakes, they can be short-sighted, selfish, biased, immature, petty, and irrational, and I think the ending follows through with depicting the consequences of that.

Erwin's self-sacrifice before being able to reach the basement (and his regression to a childhood state in the moments before his death), Kenny's futile chasing after that universal compassion he had seen in Uri, Shadis never being acknowledged by history despite his final heroic action, and so on -- these stories of ironic, futile failures are still meaningful in their mere striving. Eren's ending and Paradis' demise despite Armin's endeavour to ensure them a peaceful future are entirely consistent with this.

SNK certainly follows the shounen trope in which young individuals are bestowed great power and correspondingly great responsibility, and must then reconcile the burden of possessing that greatness on which the fate of the world depends. Yet it is equally defined by its representation of the state that us normal human beings confront everyday: the struggle against the apparent powerlessness to enact any meaningful or lasting change at all. Simultaneously, this helpless state does not exempt us from the responsibility to act in whatever small capacity we are able to resist oppression, ideological extremism, and the perpetuation of violence.

Towards That Symbol

That was a rather long but vital digression about the additional "construction and destruction" pages. To return to the issue of the symbolism in the final panel, here I will turn from seemingly affirming the tree as symbolizing the cycle of violence, towards what I think is the greater complexity of what the tree might "actually" symbolize.

As I've said above, I don't believe that the final chapter title is synonymous with 'toward the endless cycle of war'. In tone, theme, and characterization, SNK has always been defined by the tension between cruelty and beauty, the will to violence and the underlying desire for peace, and the rest of the contradictory impulses that all simultaneously coexist. The end of SNK as a whole commits to a similar lack of closure, ambiguity, and interpretive openness.

So far I have rambled on about only a view of the perpetual "cruelty" of history. Where, then, is the "beauty"?

In short, the "tree = cycle of violence" interpretation is obviously based on how that this tree recalls the original tree in which the spine creature, as the source of the power of the Titans, resided. But it's worth first considering, what exactly is this creature? We seem to get our answer in the chapter that most precisely crystallizes the dual "cruelty and beauty" of the world:

The spine creature might be said to be life itself. Or more specifically, the will of life to perpetuate itself, for no reason at all but for the fleeting moments in which we feel distinctly glad to have existed in the world.

The creature at the source of the Titans, and in extension the Titans themselves, is neither inherently a positive or negative, "good" or "evil", creative or destructive force. It's both and all of those at once. As with any power, the Titans were merely a tool that was put to use to oppressive ends.

So as I now suggest that the tree at the end is symbolically a "Tree of Life", I don't at all mean "life" in the typically celebratory or optimistic sense: rather, I mean it in the ambiguous, ambivalent, uncertain, and complex sense that has been evoked throughout the above discussion of the inevitable continuation of war.

The title "Toward The Tree on That Hill" is derived from its associations with Eren and Mikasa, but more specifically of course, from Armin's affirmation of existence. However, the tree as a symbol of existential affirmation is undercut with the revelation that, despite Armin's diplomatic mediation between the Allied Nations and Paradis, the island nation never escapes war just as no nation in the history of the earth has ever fully escaped war.

The image of Armin running toward that life-affirming tree by the end becomes twisted and complicated, as the image of the anonymous child approaching the Tree of Life evokes both awe at its beauty and grandeur, and a deep dread at the foreboding of its cyclical return to Ymir's tree that signalled the beginning of a bloody era.

And I think that is precisely it: Life is not some idealized, beautiful vision that we always want to run toward; it is also ironic, complicated, and dreadful. It is ambivalent. Like a literary symbol, the meaning of life cannot be pinned down absolutely. The tree therefore becomes itself a symbol of uncertainty, of an open future that is cyclical both in its beauty and war.

As a final observation, it is surely no coincidence that, the small, black, birdlike silhouettes of the war planes destroying the city from the sky is replaced by the similarly small black silhouettes of birds in the final panel.

If the birds represent freedom from war, the irony is that the immediately surrounding land appears to be one completely empty of people save for the exploring child; it is a freedom attained only without people's presence. Yet at the same time, a child from some existing civilization has reached it; perhaps it is freedom that they have reached, perhaps it is something else that they see in the tree. What is it that they were looking for? What does the tree and its history represent for the child, and what does it mean for their future? Alternatively, does the child-in-the-forest imagery negatively recall the warning that the world is one huge forest of predator and prey that we need to protect children from entering?

Rather than providing answers, this tree embodies all of the potential questions, and all of the potential answers. These possibilities will unfold themselves into an uncertain future beyond the chapters of history that Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Zeke, Erwin, and all the rest of the characters were part of and left their mark on; and whatever future this child will witness or create, it will similarly be one of the struggle against futility, as the journey begins anew with each generation in every new era. Neither - or both - hopeful or despairing, the final image of this tree, just like life itself, contains those innumerable irresolvable tensions as it gestures towards all possibilities, both oppressive and free.

[solarsavoy]

16, 17 and 18 for the asks plss! :3

Ask links on pinned post.

Thank you for asking, Bismuth! ^^

16) Do you have a method for getting characters to sound/feel in character?

Nothing in particular. It helps if I reread some previous stuff in that same POV, but in the case that I don't have that yet, I just wait for the muse to hit me with something. I know that might not sound all too amazing or anything. All I can say is that when I write, it's like my mind transports over to their mind and I start seeing the story unfold through their eyes. I notice things they'd notice, even if I wouldn't have paid enough attention in my own shoes. In the case of Gakushuu with Magic Shuu, he has a much higher vocabulary than me and I'll often, very often, get to a point where I know there's a better word for something, but I don't myself know what it is, so I have to research it. Searching for synonyms is the most common thing I do when writing Magic Shuu. I wish I had some better, easier to practice and apply answer, but I don't. Just when I'm them, I write, and if I can't "tune into them", I can't.

Also, it has happened a lot with Nagisa and Karma initially that I accidentally tune into Deshi or Stag respectively. Usually I'm able to catch it, but it's another one of the many reasons that I worry if I've portrayed the character correctly. What I'm really asking is "I didn't accidentally tune into Deshi instead of Nagisa, did I?"

17) Do you have any wips that you can tell us about? What are you most excited for in you wip?

There's two actually, and I'm excited for them because they relate to my original story Krystar. First, there's a crossover between Krystar and Angel Beats meant to take place between the Fragment series and the Echo series. Then, there's another crossover between Krystar and Noragami, set to take place during my final book (number 12) which takes place after book 5 of the Echo series (book 11 overall). Let's just say it ties the stories together quite nicely and only active readers of both my original story and fanfiction will be able to appreciate the connections. There's technically a call out in the Krystar/Noragami story in the final book Reign of Mynt, but I have a "variable" that explains it away without anyone being the wiser. Except my fanfic readers. 😏

18) What's the most obscure thing you've researched for a fic?

That's a really hard one. I've done a lot of research on a lot of strange things, but I can't remember the obscure ones, so instead, here are all the strange ones I remember.

Students of Despair: exactly how long it takes for a body to decompose as well as how to obscure the time of death.

Krystar: how long it takes for a pool of blood to dry given certain conditions, and what happens while it does.

Krystar: how jeans were made. This is why they don't exist on Thera. Jeans were made because some dude got sick of his pants tearing so quickly and easily because buying more clothes at the time was inconvenient and you could only mend the same spots over and over again so many times. Like the potato chip (except thicker instead of thinner), it was actually an act of defiance to use double or triple the amount of fabric than normal and they ended up being sturdier that way. That's why they were originally the "worker's pants" and a lot of laborers still wear them now. (Ex: carpenters, mechanics, construction workers, etc.)

Kristmas Karma: the weather and how common/uncommon it is to snow in Japan. You'd be surprised at how little you know about another place's weather until you check.

Life in Retail: shelf life of sushi. It's 2-3 days by the way. And yes, I didn't know, because like a lot of people where I'm from, more than 6 hours is questionable. 🤔

Phoenix: how hard it is to DIY a wig/doll hair out of real hair. And it's hard. Major props to Akari. 👏

Misfortune: how long it takes for the money to grow in an investment and how the government would be able to cease control of it if the person died. I just needed to make sure it was possible.

And that's all I can think of for now. 😊 Thanks again for the ask! Have a great day everyone!

[mm2305]

All That Matters

Characters/pairings :  Ethan Ramsey & Olivia Valentine

Words/Genre :   2.8 K / Angst , Romance

Warnings : mentions of death,injuries

Summary : Olivia gets seriously injured. How does Ethan react?

A/N : Hello again! This fic was written per @groovypalacehorselover​ ‘s request. This is the first time I’m attempting to write angst , so I hope this comes out good enough. A big THANK YOU to @romewritingshop​ for her help in editing this. Moodboard inspired by @potionsprefect 's ones.

Disclaimer : all characters and pictures belong to the rightful owners

My Masterlist

Enjoy!

------------------------------

Ethan was frantically rushing through the hospital corridors. Dread and anxiety flooded his mind that he could barely breathe. There was no way he would allow it to stall him. Pushing himself to go as fast as he could to get to the farthest wing of the hospital, he slammed the double doors ahead open.A group of interns were nattering amongst themselves,oblivious to the frantic attending approaching them. A thundering voice broke them out of their trance. 

"OUT OF MY WAY!", he boomed at them, as he was approaching closer. 

The interns, startled by him, broke apart allowing him to pass through them. What made them wonder though, was the clear, unadulterated emotion in his eyes. He looked as though his world was slowly crumbling around him. And they weren't wrong. 

2 Hours Earlier

Olivia was finishing up her rounds for the day. In a few hours she’d be home, snuggled with her favorite throw blanket, watching a movie on Netflix while Ethan would complain incessantly  about her taste in movies. She had to visit her last patient, a sweet seven year old boy named Nathan. 

His diagnosis was a difficult case to solve and this made young Nathan restless. His mom came to stay with him in the evening  but she had to go to work early in the morning. The poor boy was often bored out of his mind, taking adventurous strolls through the hospital, without telling anyone. There were several instances  that she and a few nurses had to track him down, but still Nathan continued doing that. She couldn’t really blame the poor kid. Today was just one of those days. 

Olivia walked to the nurses' desk, to ask about Nathan. 

"Hello Sarah, did you happen to see Nathan? I think he snuck  out of his room again." 

"Dr Valentine! No, I haven't. Maybe you should ask Mary. She might have an idea where Nathan is.", The nurse replied with a soft smile. 

"Okay, thank you!"

She left the reception in search of Mary. Before long, she found her in one of the halls. 

"Hi Mary, I was wondering if you've seen Nathan?", She inquired politely. 

"Dr Valentine! I was just looking for you. I think I saw the kid heading towards the halls leading to the new wing." 

"The new wing? Isn't that under construction?", Olivia asked, an audible tremor in her voice. 

"Yes?" 

"Oh God! Come on! We need to find him now!", she said, a feeling of worry and dread filling her. The new wing Bloom designed was essentially a plan to enlarge the facilities available for research. From what she heard, it wasn't safe to roam around the place without any safety gear. It was too dangerous to go there, especially for a young boy like Nathan, but she won’t let him fall to harm. 

After a few minutes of darting around and asking everyone they encountered, Mary and Olivia got the same response. They saw a kid among these halls at some point. By the time they reached the site, Olivia and Mary began calling for him. 

"Nathan? Are you here?" 

"Nathan? Nathan come here, it's me, Dr Olivia" 

No answer. Either he wasn't here or he just couldn't hear them clearly. The two women began to slow down their pacing steps as they carefully tread through the congested building site, all while calling for the young boy. 

"Dr Oliv?", They heard a small shaky voice calling. 

Olivia knew it was him and rushed towards the direction of the voice. Mary, hot on her heels, noticed him first. 

"He's there!", She exclaimed, running to his side and checking over him for any injuries. 

Olivia began walking towards them, relieved that Nathan was okay,when she heard a cracking noise. She quickly realized that the wall, they were close to, was about to collapse! With a sudden burst of adrenaline, she rushed towards them and pushed them away from the wall. She smiled softly at them before she heard a bigger *crack* and everything went black. 

-----------------------------------

MEANWHILE

Ethan was sitting at his computer, in his office, looking through files and updating the information onto his computer. Truth be told though, he was too distracted by a certain resident to concentrate on his current task. 

Him and Olivia have been together for a little more than three months and he was happier than he had been in a long time. She really had the power to turn the worst of days better with just a smile. 

She started coming to his house after work, in fact it’s almost like she had permanent residence in his heart and place. She spent most of the time there with him, just being together. Cooking, watching tv, playing ridiculous board games she always won. It was all very domestic and Ethan always felt his heart swell with love for her, at how at ease she felt being with him, in the place he now considered a home. 

Glancing at the clock, he realised their shifts would end soon but he was too impatient. With a soft sigh, he turned off his computer and walked out of his office ,towards the front desk. 

"Good afternoon, have you seen Dr. Valentine?", he asked a nurse he knew she frequently talked to. 

"Dr. Ramsey! Yes, she was here a little while ago, she was looking for her young patient, Nathan. He has a habit of sneaking out of his room, you see - Wait a minute please!", she paused to answer the phone. 

"Bloom Edenbrook Hospital how can I help you? Mary? What?! I’m sending the team right away!" 

The woman, Sarah, turned to Ethan with a flurry of panic coursing in her eyes. 

"Dr Ramsey, it was the nurse who was with Dr Valentine. They found the boy at the construction site! When they reached for him… a nearby wall collapsed on them!" 

"What!? Oh my… No no no… Wh-What else did she tell you? Tell me!", he demanded, his eyes glossed with panic, the usual pink hue of his face drained as he turned as white as a sheet, his breathing in short stuttered gasps. 

"Olivia ... was hit worst." Sarah whispered on the verge of tears. 

"Page Mirani, Delarosa and the best nurses this damn hospital has! Understood! I'm going there now!"

Before she had a chance to reply, he was already off in search of his Olivia. 

-----------------------

PRESENT TIME

Ethan continued running through the maze of corridors, his eyes full of unshed tears. 

"Not her, please not her! Don't take her from me! Please!", Ethan wasn't by any means a religious man, but the fear of losing the woman he loved made him pray to whoever could hear his agonized thoughts. The one person on this earth for whom he would give anything for, was again in grave danger. Memories from the last time she was at the brink of death flooded his mind, knocking the breath out of his lungs. How fragile she looked and to know he couldn't do anything to save her, other than watch her become progressively weaker and her radiant smile, the one that could lighten up a whole room, fade away. "No, don't do this right now Ethan. Focus on her. Only her.", he thought, nodding to himself while pushing the last hurdle of doors open. His eyes quickly scanned the room, trying to locate her. 

He finally saw her. 

She was lying on the floor pieces of rubble around her. She was unconscious, her eyes closed, her golden hair around her face.  As he rushed to her side, whilst avoiding the scattered materials, he saw a small patch of blood on the side of her head. 

He knelt beside her, being careful not to move her, in fear of causing more damage to her body. He took her small, still warm, hand in his and softly began to stroke her cheek and hair. 

"Darling? Olivia? It's me, Ethan. Please Olivia, can you hear me?", his voice wavered at the sight of her blood on his fingers from stroking her hair and a few tears were finally breaking through. 

Her eyes fluttered as a soft little gasp left her lips. 

"E-Ethan?", she whispered, her voice hoarse and barely audible. 

"Yes, Love it's me."

"I… it hurts.. I can't…", she croaked but it was too difficult for her to breathe properly, the dust hovering in the air wasn'tmaking this any easier. Ethan noticed this and pushed her head slightly back, to allow her to breathe better. 

"Shh darling I know… I'm here love, I'm not going anywhere...Please sweetheart don't give up on me… please…I can't lose you", Ethan whispered, stroking her cheek softly, trying to be strong for her. 

Olivia fell unconscious once again, her chest taking short ragged breaths. He pried his eyes away from her to look around the room. A woman was in the corner with a crying child in her arms, trying to comfort him. 

" Hi… Are you okay? Did you get hurt?" he asked them as he approached them. 

"Nothing too bad. Might just be a sprained wrist and a couple of scratches. Nathan’s fine too, just shocked. Dr. Valentine…. she … she got the worst of it.", she replied with tears in her eyes. 

Ethan didn't have a chance to reply as the team arrived. They immediately got down to work, not even hesitating to lose a minute, paying Ethan no attention. 

"Get her on the gurney carefully! One mistake and you're fired!" Zaid commanded, with a fiery stern voice at the team of nurses. 

"Zaid, she's got a cut on the side of her head and she's bleeding. I don't see anything too serious but we should order a scan. Shortness of breath indicates one or two fractured ribs and her left ulna and radius might be broken, given the swelling.", Ines said with evident concern and fear thick in her voice. 

"Let's get some scans and see exactly what's going on", Zaid replied, trying to be as calm as possible, in this case. Olivia was his colleague,but more importantly she was his friend and he wouldn't allow anything to happen to her. Not on his watch. 

"I'm coming with you!", Ethan interrupted their conversation. 

"You're not in the right state of mind to help her now!" 

"Zaid’s right about this. She needs you to be calm and focused when she wakes up.", Ines told him resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

Ethan had no choice but to reluctantly agree. 

--------------------------------------

Several hours later, Ethan was pacing anxiously in front of the room Olivia was checked into. The night doctors were there checking on her. As soon as they heard what happened, her friends joined Ethan in the waiting room, to hear news about her condition. Sienna when she saw her best friend in that state, immediately broke down, Aurora and Elijah trying to comfort her. Bryce, Rafael and Jackie, were mostly silent, their minds running through endless scenarios of what could happen to the most courageous woman they knew. 

She had a broken hand, three broken ribs; one of which was pressing too close to her lung; causing her difficulty in breathing smoothly. This required a minor surgery, which was conducted by Harper herself. She wouldn't let anyone else touch the woman she had come to consider a friend. Her head injury, thankfully, wasn't too bad, but there was a possibility of a mild concussion. The whole hospital was there to help Olivia in whatever way she needed. From nurses to interns to anyone she had always been kind to. 

Now, Ethan was waiting outside of her room alone, because her friends left a few minutes ago. She wouldn't wake up for a few hours and they made sure she would be completely okay before they left. Besides, they knew that Ethan wouldn't leave her side. That is, once he got to finally see her. 

Thirty agonizing minutes later, he was finally allowed to go into her room. His eyes glided across  her small form on the hospital bed. The side of her head was wrapped in white gauze, because of the injury there. Her left arm was in a cast and placed on a pillow to make her more comfortable. She was hooked to an IV, her body seeming too delicate on the hospital bed. Her face was in a serene slumber, her body was still under the influence of the drugs she was given during and after her surgery. 

Ethan took her soft hand in his, kissing her knuckles and looking tearfully at her. 

"My love… You scared me so so much… When that nurse told me you were hurt… I thought I was going to lose you. Again.", He started talking to her, even though she couldn't hear him, he was baring his heart to her. Letting the tears he was holding on to fall. 

"Finding you there, lying unconscious… was unbearable. Knowing that you may be gone forever, never being able to touch you, or see your beautiful smile, hear your awful jokes again… I’ve never believed in a higher power, but if there is a being that saved you, then I am grateful. Because, without you, none of this matters. You're my whole world Oliv. And this world means nothing to me if you’re not here darling", he finished , laying a soft kiss on her lips. 

He stayed with her for a few hours, having no intention of leaving her, but Naveen forced him to go get a coffee and something to eat. Of course, Naveen promised he would stay there with her while Ethan was away. 

On his way back to her room, he encountered Leland Bloom. "Great, just who I wanted to see", Ethan thought, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. 

"Ah Dr. Ramsey. I was just coming to find you. How is Dr. Valentine?", he asked with a facade of interest. 

"She’s in her room resting. Still unconscious though, because of the anesthesia from her surgery. Now if you'll excuse me", Ethan curtly replied, walking past Leland, anxious to return to her room. 

"I was hoping to come with you, actually. I wanted to ask you, will she make a full recovery?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but yes, in a couple months she will probably be alright.", Ethan gritted his teeth, retraining his seething anger at how intrusive this man could be. 

"Probably? You're not certain? If her recovery takes so long, then she will be left behind in the hospital's advances. Pity… she was actually going to be one of the key assets to the progression of the hospital's success.", Leland said, not having noticed or probably caring about Ethan's expression. 

Ethan couldn't believe what he was hearing. The way he spoke of Olivia. His Olivia. A human being, as though she was nothing but a tool to be used. He clenched his fists, blood coursing through his veins, ears ringing, face and neck flushed red with anger, trying to resist the immense urge to punch him square in his arrogant face. 

"How DARE you talk that way about a human being who was seriously hurt? She could have been fucking killed and all you have to say is that she would be an asset to the success of the hospital? What kind of person are you, really? Do you see anything beyond your own selfish, moronic advancements?", Ethan turned to him abruptly, almost roaring, all the pent up emotions escaping him in this outburst towards this man. 

Leland was stunned at his outburst, mouth gaping open for a second before he recollected himself. The two of them had become the center of attention as the nurses and doctors were forming a small circle, staring at the two men. 

"I would best advise you against speaking to me like that Dr. Ramsey. I'm the one who is in charge here and I expect you to treat me with respect. Now, I understand you are under pressure right now since your partner was hurt, so I'm willing to look past this little tantrum. See you soon, Dr Ramsey." he replied, walking away from Ethan, who was stalking his way down the corridor to Olivia’s room, unbothered by Bloom’s words. 

The only person in this world whose words mattered, laid in a hospital bed right now, and he vowed he would not spend any more precious time away from her. Because despite what life throws at them, all that matters is that his Rookie ... his Olivia ... his true love will be alright. They will be alright. Together.

-----------------------------

Thank you for reading !!!

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

(Tone/intention indicator: non-aggressive!! Pensive and open/hopeful for discussion and/or advice. Not at all trying to be a grouch.)

I do get the joke and I get that there's plenty of evidence that he does like to take it up the ass which is rad for him if he does, you know, but it feels crappy to me, the way a lot of the fandom (NOT you—I haven't seen anything like this from you) and actually also Misha treats Dean and sometimes/by proxy Jensen with the whole calling him/them a bottom, especially when Jensen isn't part of the conversation and doesn't even know that there's anything to respond to. It just gets said about him in public, and then onus is on him to find it and respond. It's a gotcha situation though, I don't think there's even anything he could say in his own defense (if he wanted to, that is. idk, for all I know, maybe Jensen is into it too, but that's sort of my problem.. I don't how he feels about being called a girl, a bottom, an omega etc) that people wouldn't claim that, by saying he isn't a bottom, sub or femme, he actually is proving he's a "subby little girlboy," or so I saw it said. I wish we as a community could talk about the nuance and inherent homophobia and transphobia in leering about it that way, in stereotyping 'bottom/subby behavior' and categorizing that behavior as feminine etc. I'm a trans dude, a dom and a top and a lot of the things I see people saying about Dean being a bottom or, worse, about Jensen being a bottom, are just so.. emasculating to me, because a lot of that stuff is stuff I do, too. Dean is a fictional character so his feelings can't get hurt, but Jensen is a real person, you know? And there's like a million people on the internet saying they can tell he's a subby, femme bottom despite whether he's ever said anything to the contrary or not. It's.. jarring, too, since I'm also a real person and they're often pointing to traits and behaviors that I share as evidence. It makes me so dysphoric to see so many people calling him girly and needy and in heat or what have you and citing how he (over)performs masculinity. I over-perform masculinity, too, but I do it because I enjoy the presentation, not because I'm over-compensating and Actually A Girl. I'm actually pretty comfortable in my relationship with gender at this point. Sometimes I also wear dresses. I'm still a dude. It sucks that it seems like the overwhelming opinion is that loudly performing masculinity can only ever mean overcompensation, and never gender euphoria. It seems like a lot more people are more interested in forcing Dean to perform femininity—like people want to humble and humiliate him for his past/present comphet and his idea of his own masculinity—not in allowing him to participate in traditionally non-masculine things according to what he likes, or to perform gender in ways that make him feel authentic and happy. It's like, instead of him aggressively overcompensating his Manly Man-ness, everyone wants to make him aggressively, stereotypically effeminate and one dimensional in the opposite direction. What are your thoughts on it, if you don't mind sharing? Do you think there's a way to have this conversation in the fandom? Or am I missing the point?

hi! okay first of all I love your tone indicators, we should all be doing this online tbh because it absolutely sets the voice for the rest of your ask and I appreciate it so very much.

preliminarily - I am not an expert on this topic in any way, so please take my response with an entire value-size canister of salt.

I think your feelings and thoughts are absolutely valid, and I don't disagree. I personally try to steer clear of most of the real person is this and that thing unless they uh. you know. tweet it out loud at the internet (for what it's worth, I do think - any joking I may have vaguely done aside - that Misha's past two top related tweets specifically were fairly pointed at himself (yes, I know one was about Dean and Cas fanfic, but he said "I" enjoy being on top, not Cas enjoys topping Dean). I am certain he is aware of the innuendo though, and how fandom will take it so your commentary on his being a participant is certainly correct as well. Also, I firmly believe that Misha does treat humans, especially those he is close w, with the utmost respect and any joking he has done re Jensen has been in a place of Jensen being okay with it (like I don't think he would ever say anything he knows would make Jensen feel uncomfortable whether he is within earshot or across the country when it's said).

*takes off Misha apologist hat*

As for the rest, I think your points are extremely well made and it's definitely a conversation that can (and should!) be had in fandom. I do agree that this topic can and has been misconstrued (sometimes for shitposting's sake sometimes not) as it applies to irl people and situations. I personally think that Jensen is a very multidimensional and layered human (which serves him greatly as an actor, I mean he contains literal multitudes) and to classify him as either pendulum end - as you mentioned, is doing his human self a disservice. I think it's also important for all of us to remember that gender is a construct and can be so fluid, so putting any of it in a socially constructed box just defies the entire point of the conversation.

I don't know if this is making any sense (your points are a lot more well spoken and coherent than mine), but I do think what you said is so important and needs to be out there. Also, I hope you know you are so freaking valid and nothing that's said on this site or others about traits/behavioors of Jensen's that mirror your own is a firm definition for those traits/behaviors, especially if people are putting them in a category you don't necessarily agree/feel comfortable with or identify as the right 'definition' if you will. Your words - "to perform gender in ways that make him feel authentic and happy" really resonated with me, and I think they hold true for both Jensen and you. To radically be our authentic selves is the goal, and I'm so glad that based on what you said you're feeling about your own relationship with gender it seems like you are in that place!!!

Sorry this is so long of a response and probably. muddy. I hope I got the gist of what you were asking, but also thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, you expressed them really clearly and it's given me a lot to think about :) if I got anything wrong, or misunderstood a point you were making please feel free to pop by and clarify or correct me.

I hope you have an excellent day <3

[ectora]

REVIEW 313

took me some time to actually get into that review lmao But i really loved the episode. I know some people will probably have complains about it, but as someone who absolutely loves Abigael, I really liked it. And honestly the fact that abigael was finally included in the main story is not even the reason why. I loved the pacing, it actually felt like Charmed. The stakes, the construction, the format, it was all on point. It was genuinely their best episode alongside 307 (two episodes related to the tomb lmao) and one of their best in the show imo.

I've put it in "hidden" cause it ended up being so long I did not expect that im sorry 😭

SCREEN TIME

Maggie: 29m20s

Macy: 27m36s

Mel: 25m39s

Abigael: 20m17s

Jordan: 10m32s

Harry: 47s

Not gonna lie, I did not miss Harry this episode. Maybe it's just cause I don't like the way they have been writing both him and Macy this season, way too focused on the relationship, but his story does not really interest me. And I enjoy watching Macy interact with other characters a lot more. I think we could have had a little bit more of Jordan as well.

What I liked

where do i even start. I genuinely enjoyed so many things in this episode.

As said earlier, I really enjoyed the structure of the episode, to me it finally really felt like charmed. The way the episode was done was beautiful and I LOVED the trial in a general manner. They're terrible lawyers, but still loved it lmao

Ok hear me out, the fact they had abigael and macy say what the fan had been saying but reversing the roles was actually sent me lmao

I really enjoyed that they balanced the rights and wrongs of abigael. I'm part of the people who think that overall, most of what she did was not that deep tbh, but the episode allowed to have nuances and hold her accountable for things she did while also recognising that she did good things.

Abigael finally interacting with the sisters. To me, that's the sign of good characters tbh, how they can interact with different other leads/mains and such relationships being interesting. Abimel, i'll talk about it a bit later cause i have lots to say. But AbiMacy ? I absolutely always love their scenes, one of the reasons being that I genuinely think they're the two best actresses in the show and you can really feel it when they're on screen. They have easy chemistry and whatever they are doing, they just work. They also had one of the best potential of the show in terms of dynamic and I will never forgive the writers for ruining this, especially because it's in part because of a man. Anyway, their scenes were amazing to watch and I need more. I was especially happy because let's be honest, if Macy has valid reasons to dislike Abigael, they often miss-portrayed that in the show and it often came across as being mostly based on the whole love triangle between Macy Abi and Harry. But this time it really was not and Macy was quite fair, even reaching the conclusion Abi doesn't belong in there - she does not- and I liked that they actually were fair on Macy's dislike and distrust. Then there was AbiMaggie. Honestly, it's not a relationship i expected to enjoy that much but oh god i love them. I loved them in episode 207 and I still do. They just have such a funny dynamic, I can't even explain it correctly but it just work. They're throwing remarks at each other sure but it's almost in a sweet funny way. Abigael calling Maggie 'Legally Brunette" was so funny and cute at the same time.

Talking about Maggie, I really liked her this episode. I love how she reacts in situations where they need a cold head. She takes the lead, she does what needs to be done and she reaches the goal. I really enjoy seeing her taking that role a little bit more. Especially because to me Maggie was always the one with the most nuanced view on the world which I really appreciate. I loved her speech at the end and she grew so much since season 1, she's really so great. The more we advance in the show, the more she shines.

I really liked what happened at the end with the sisters recognising that they are themselves not perfect and are even chaotic. I have a point about being chaotic for later but anyway. Yes the sisters are not perfect. Honestly, they have done questionable things in the past themselves and often are the cataclysm of new things happening. I think it just makes them more interesting and better characters. Black and white can only get so long. Nuanced, imperfect, that's where the complexity lies and what is more interesting imo.

The perfecti really are good characters. I mean their logic was completely f*cked, but they are so entertaining to watch, it's actually great. I like also that they continued that idea that logic without emotion is dangerous. But in some ways tbh, the Perfecti are not even logical. They want to think they are, but their own logic is flawed and like Macy said, completely lacks context.

Finally the power of three and FINALLY, the plot goes forward. Maybe that's another reason I really enjoyed the episode, the fact that it actually had a good flow, it felt like one constructed episode and it actually advanced the story which cannot be said about a lot of the episodes. So I'm happy that happened.

And finally Abimel. I mean, no one can be surprised Abigael has feelings for Mel tbh, girl has not been subtle about it lmao But that declaration was actually cute and their scene at the bar ?? paralleling the one in season 2, it was so sweet. I just love them tbh, and I really think they could have been the ship a lot of us were waiting for in the sapphic community especially.

Abigael's past. Like I loved learning more about her past and her mom. Obviously her traumatic past does not exempt her from her own actions but I do believe it give strong grounds for redemption. it also gives us a lot of insights in her character. Her mom was an absolute monster and what she did to her was terrible. There is no surprise in Abigael's absolute lack of self worth and her unhealthy coping mechanism. Like her mom basically spent her life telling her she was deficient and then punished her for something she had no control on whatsoever. She punished Abigael for her own action and her own liaison with a demon. She probably projected her anger about that relationship on the child that came out of it and it's absolutely horrifying. Like no wonder Abigael is not fond of witches and went into the demon side tbh. Like that's not surprising at all. It also explains why she was so against the idea of witch = good that the sisters keep perpetuating because that's simply not what she experienced. Again, it does not excuse everything she did but I do believe it helps understand the character better and that ultimately, it gives space for a redemption. And again, kuddo to both poppy and the actress who played her mom. First that was great casting and it was really well played.

Remarks

To be honest, I don't really have things I genuinely disliked so I'm more gonna do like a section where i could criticise some of the aspect which to me did not necessarily made sense but were often still funny, and who knows maybe done on purpose. It's gonna be a mix of a little bit of everything.

One of the first thing I was kinda confused on was their use of the term chaos. Because, well, chaos doesn't equate evil. But that's the angle they started taking at the beginning which to me was confusing. It didn't make the episode bad, but the more I think about it, the more I'm like the defence they were going with had nothing to do with the charges 😭 Like, the sisters tried to prove that basically Abigael was a good person. But the charges were that she was chaotic. and by the end of the episode we did reach that kind of point where they said everyone was chaotic and everything - which i liked - but also didn't really match the angle they took the entire episode. Because, I personally never saw Abi as evil. But she is 100% chaotic like that girl is the definition of chaotic and I love her for it. But her doing good or bad is not necessarily what makes her chaotic. Good deeds can be as chaotic as bad ones. For example, Abi binding her own power could be considered as good by some people (it's not really but you see what I mean) but by doing so, she would lose the title of overlord and therefore end the treaty. In that case the war would start and that would definitely be chaotic. If she was to stay overlord however, and control the demon world, which can be seen as bad i guess, she is keeping the war from happening and stopping attacks toward witches and innocents, which is the contrary of chaotic. So yeah, the angle they took did not actually make that much sense cause the two are not the same.

Not gonna lie, bringing Godrik up was so weird to me cause like he tried to kill her first and they all know it, yet she was the one said to try to murder him and I was like ? did we all forgot what happened ? 😭

Some of the things brought by the perfecti - such as her killing those humans or demons - seemed weird because like, the sisters did the same in the past 😭 But also that's part of the whole lack of context aspect I guess.

No they really used Francesca as a witness out of all the people in the world like the woman is a whole child abuser who asked help to the elders, which have been established as like, not good people lmao I know it was part of the whole the perfecti are very selective on the information they actually take into account and they use the information as well as twist them to fir their own narrative but still it came across as weird because that woman was the definition of evil. But that's also what ticked the sisters so well.

Why did they not call Harry to testify was also kinda like ... weird. I mean at the same time I can't really complain but still, it was a bit odd. Also the fact they never thought about showing what was abigael actually doing with Jordan lmao I mean it wouldn't go along with the plot but still.

Ok, that take is subject to controversy and I know it but anyway : to me, Abi stealing Macy's power was ... not that deep. Don't get me wrong, the story was bad. The execution was even worse. In the show itself tho, objectively, as an act, it was not that bad. It actually made a lot of sense for Abigael to take it for herself. Macy wanted to get rid of her demon powers, no one was forcing her. And Abigael actually asked her multiples times if she was sure. Macy definitely had her reasons to do so. But at the end of the day, Abi picking them up when they were gonna disappear in thin air is really not that bad. It's logical. Don't get me wrong I'm glad Macy is getting them back, but I also think there has been a lot of mix up between the actual act of stealing the powers and the way it was done/optics ( I still don't understand how anyone wrote that scene and was like, yeah kneeling is a good idea ??? Like what's wrong with you 😭). But like ultimately, the act itself is not bad. questionable ? sure. Evil ? really not. Like let's be honest here. Abigael never hid who she was (past ep3 obviously). She did not pretend to be an angel, nor that she was a good samaritan. At the end of day, the sisters knew who she was and how she worked. They came to her knowing this. At some point, there is a need to acknowledge that, she was no angel, but they knew that and still went to her. She said it herself, she is used to fight for herself, and she'll sting to protect herself first - which i personally don't really hold again a character. If you go in bed with a scorpion, you can't ignore the fact there is a chance you're gonna get stung. Plus, when Abigael "stung" she also actually still gave them what they wanted/needed. I personally never saw self interest negating a good action. I don't really care if she gets something out of helping. Like at the end of the day, why wouldn't she take them ? In some ways however I do understand why Macy would be mad, she asked for help and she didn't realise Abigael stole them and she doesn't like abigael in the first place so why would she be ok with Abi taking them. That's valid too. But objectively, it was more a she was offended and mad that Abi herself had them more than a it's a terrible thing to do kinda feeling. So like it's a bit of a weird situation because Macy being annoyed and mad is valid but at the same time, it's really not that bad in itself. But overall that story should have never existed in the first place. And certainly not happen like this.

Abimel. I loved it but I also have issues with it. Mostly based on the fact we learned Poppy was leaving the show. And not gonna lie, I cant stop myself from feeling like it was almost a bit .. baity if I dare say. They had basically admitting having feelings for Mel and low key hoping it could lead somewhere when honestly, if she's leaving, they did not need to make it romantic. Because honestly, watching this episode not knowing she would leave ? You'd definitely could think it's happening, especially with all the other hints in the past. They could have made it like more about how Mel was the one giving her a real benefit of the doubt and they had a connexion and she wanted to be worthy of that. It would not be romantic. Especially cause she admitted caring about all sisters so it would have worked. Again, don't get me wrong, I want the most Abimel i can get lmao but also it feels a little weird. It's complicated. 😭

Jordan is definitely coming back, I just wonder what are going to be the circumstances. I completely understand why my boy needed a break. Like their time in the tomb was long. We don't exactly know how time works there but remember, in episode 7 when the sisters were stuck, the normal time was like what ? hours ? while in the tomb it was days for Maggie. So there it was days in normal time so in the tomb ? could potentially feel like weeks, months even. So yeah, give him a break and some time to breath. I know they're dragging this whole Joggie thing but because of Covid i also understand and will let it go. I really like them tho.

Abi has some alcohol problems I feel like should maybe be talked about. Like she uses it as an escape, as a way to numb her feelings. There is a reason it was used to symbolise her submitting herself to the tomb. And her first reaction after leaving the tomb was drinking. When she feels unhinged or vulnerable ? She drinks ? When she lost the title of overlord ? She drank. Alcohol is her escape which is a bit worrying.

Not about the episode but I think it needs to be brought up. I've seen people trying to say they brought up the abuse storyline for abigael out of nowhere and like. Listen I completely understand not trying to give more thoughts to a character you dislike, that's fair enough. But saying that storyline is out of nowhere is just a lie. The only new elements we had here were the details of the abuse she went through. They showed the clip again in the episode, where Abigael talks to Mel about her mom. She rejected her, she made her felt, deficient, wrong. All that is emotional abuse. She said her mom tried to fix her which can easily be thought about physical abuse. Like none of these things were new. To be honest, not a single thing they clarified/established for abigael this episode does not follow up with what was in the show in the past. Her feelings for Mel were honestly rather obvious at this point. Her not wanting TCO to get hurt ? There is literally a scene where Godrik tells her it's her head or the sisters and she never really even thought about throwing the sisters under the bus. She even asked who knew and it's easy to think it's because if no one knew she could put it under the rug. Again, it's fair enough for people to dislike her to not try to put more thoughts into her motivations or scenes in a general manner, but then you can't really say things are out of the blue.

And most importantly, I'm sorry, I don't care if you dislike the character, but if you dismiss the abuse just because of the dislike, that's a problem. What a character goes through in her past does not, in any way, have to change your opinion about them. Whatsoever. However when it comes to issues like child abuse, the bare minimum would be to be respectful of the subject and not say "she deserved it", "should have done more" or just say you don't care cause that changes nothing. Again, it doesn't have to change anyone's opinion at all and it does not excuse behaviours, but man, minimal respect is not that hard.

Highlights

This episode genuinely had such funny moments, i loved it.

« Is this a hard time to admit I failed debate in high school ? » and « could the defendant keep her commentary to herself » competing with each other for the funniest part of the episode. The delivery was perfect on both part. And Abi and Macy interactions are always so good and them bantering more or less seriously all the time is sending me. Macy was just so annoyed with her, i loved it.

« Need something legally brunettes » I said it already but I loved that little scene between AbiMaggie and that line particularly.

Abigael went from saying "I could care less about any of you" to "because I deeply care about her" followed by a whole ass declaration AND admitting she does actually care about all of them. My girl got absolutely played and it was genuinely so funny. Like Abigael was so freaking smug about testifying against herself and she got played so hard, she was SO annoyed it was actually hilarious.

"Every battle I fought, I fought alone" like excuse me while I'll go cry in a corner. Again, Poppy has been absolutely killing her role this season.

"Your arguments are illogical" the perfecti have such audacity like girl have you heard yourself ? 😭 no one is being less logical than you right now.

Lmao when Macy said Abigael belonged into the tomb, Mel was not agreeing 😭 And Maggie was having none of the drama either she just wanted out.

The sisters realising they had to be Abi's character witnesses lmao it was hilarious pleas idc.

Theories

With Poppy Drayton leaving, there are two theories I kinda have. Obviously Abigael is either gonna die or leave. Ngl, I can feel the dying one coming more but well, that brings the two theories.

Abigael would sacrifice herself. Which I don't like but honestly let's be honest, there are 95% chances of that happening. I could see her sacrifice herself for Mel or for the sisters in general. But that's where my abimel issues are coming. I love abimel. I want the most abimel i can have until the end. But Abigael admitting have feelings for Mel just in the purpose of having her sacrifice herself for her and to be 'worth it' ? that's not only a byg trope, it's also lazy.

If she just leave, which wouldn't really make sense to be honest cause why would she just leave, would she give up the title of overlord (why even) or would they bound her powers (i would hate that) ? but anyway, if that's the case, I could actually see her learn Waverly is not actually the one rejecting her. Waverly could very possibly not be the one who communicated with Jordan and the sisters. No one ever saw her, the letters are only signed by her name. It's a bit sus tbh, so nothing stops it from being Francesca actually impersonating her daughter to keep her away from Abigael.

I want to know more about the perfecti. We know they killed charmed ones before, and it doesn't seem like charmed ones existed when they were created ? Maybe the charmed ones were created after they went into the tomb ? I still am not sure about them going into the tomb by themselves tbh. But also they don't seem to be evil in the sense they want power or whatever, more in the fact like they consider themselves perfect and that if someone stands in their way, they'll just get rid of them.

[elenajohansenreads]

Books I Read in 2021

#48 - The Vagrant, by Peter Newman

Mount TBR: 46/100

Beat the Backlist Bingo: A non-human character

Rating: 2/5 stars

I did like enough about it to finish it, despite the concerns and complaints this review will list in detail; I don't care for it enough to keep going with the series.

I started this book almost two months ago, but in the middle of what eventually became obvious was a major reading slump. After 60 pages, I put the book on hold, reasoning that I was frustrated with reading in general and not with this specific book.

When I picked it back up, I started over, and this time, I annotated it to help myself pay more attention, and to pick at the edges of the mysteries that lie thick on the ground in this story. The "eight years ago" narrative line did eventually answer most of my questions--those it didn't were almost uniformly about world-building details I was struggling with.

So there's my first major complaint: this world is going for "cool" and "dark" without really having a cohesive style. Sometimes it's idyllic landscape, sometimes it's the Blasted Lands (which I will forever think of as a zone in World of Warcraft, but I guess the author hasn't played that.) The few cities had distinct but fairly generic personalities--one was a little Blade Runner, because there were neon signs everywhere, while another felt like a standard large fantasy town, and eventually the Shining City is certainly shiny, but also devoid of any originality.

The infernal aspects of the world-building--literally, the demons and how they worked--started out as an interesting concept, which I interpreted as them basically being incompatible with reality as we know it, and to combat that, they anchored themselves (in various and generally disgusting ways) to living flesh. Gross, creepy, excellent. But my early notes about what I pictured the Usurper and the Uncivil and the fallen Knights as actually looking like, or how I imagined they functioned, didn't end up jiving with information that came later. And yeah, readers can be wrong about things that authors set out clearly, but this felt more like I had developed a framework for the infernals that was more codified than what the author himself envisioned, because there were contradictions, and there were gaps, and whenever I encountered one I got frustrated.

Another frustration quickly sprouted from the style of the prose. What at first was a charming way to make sure I'm paying enough attention to connect some dots eventually became a slog. Yes, make me work for the connections about characters and plot. No, don't make me dig through every single line of a fight scene trying to figure out whose limbs are being cut off and who is buried under rubble and who died. There is a constant and deliberate lack of clarity to the narrative that I feel would serve the story better if it were saved for those big special occasions--who is the Vagrant, why can't he talk, how did he end up with the baby--than spreading it like a frosting over literally everything down to the smallest and most mundane details.

This extends to names, as many characters don't have them at all, or only get them late in the story, and even when they do, they are often still referred to by epithets. Harm doesn't need to constantly be "the green-eyed man," or I don't know, maybe he does, because half the time when he or the Vagrant look at something, the text doesn't say "The Vagrant looked at the sky," it says, "Amber eyes searched the clouds."

That's another complaint--the detachment. At the bottom of page 107, I scrawled a note to myself: "I've just hit on what I don't like about this narrative style--the descriptions sound like I'm reading a screenplay." The sentence which triggered this revelation reads: "Sweaty faces shine in shielded lamps." It's the first sentence after a scene break, and it frustrated me because I could see the effect of the description in my head--sweat glowing by lantern light in an otherwise dark space--but I didn't know who those faces belonged to! I didn't know who to picture because that sentence told me nothing about where the scene had jumped to! The following line tells me that men and women are in tunnels--okay, I'm in tunnels, but who are the men and women? The third sentence finally gives me a character name and I know I'm back with Tough Call's gang.

And this, too, is a constant problem. Not every chapter or scene break takes that long to establish who I'm reading about and where we are, but throughout the story, there's this repeated stepping back from the characters, a distancing, by referring to their actions in that deliberately obscure way. "Reluctantly, amber eyes open." "Breath labours in the dark." "A small foot twitches." I know that active verbs are great and conjugations of "to be" are easy to overuse, but it's possible to swing the pendulum too far in the other direction. Let my brain rest on some easy verbs and sentence constructions once in a while! Not everything has to be so vague and portentous!

Final stylistic complaint: I dislike present tense narratives in general, but lots of people like them, so whatever, authors are going to keep using present tense and sometimes I'm going to end up reading it. But I absolutely fail to understand the benefits of using it for the past story line. If the main bulk of the story is "now" and uses present tense, shouldn't the "eight years ago" use past tense? Because, you know, it's the past?

So after all of that, what did I even like about this? The baby. The goat--the tiny and rare scenes written from her viewpoint are generally hilarious. Harm ended up being okay, in shouldering the weight of one-sided conversations with the silent Vagrant. Though I question the wisdom of having a mute protagonist paired with a deliberately vague and detached narrative style (seems like an obvious recipe for the difficulty I had connecting to the story) I do think Harm brings out the Vagrant's desire to communicate as they get to know each other, and their deepening relationship as they bond over their struggles to save people, keep themselves and the baby safe, and still find a way to journey onward...okay, that was compelling enough to keep going even when I was frustrated by nearly everything else.

But the ending? No, sorry, this book failed to get me invested enough to care about why our protagonist achieved his apparent goal then decides to reject the dominant social order to do his own thing. I get it--it's super clear, even for this often-vague story, because the reason is exposited immediately after it happens. But I didn't care. And I don't have any need to find out what happens to our ragtag found family of weirdos afterward.

Hm, I hadn't considered that before. Found family, as a trope, pretty much relies on emotional investment in developed characters, whereas this story opted for (mostly) flat characters viewed from a safely detached distance. No wonder I couldn't get into it, these goals are fundamentally opposed.

[nellie-elizabeth]

First Line Meme Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line, then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

tagged by @lizardkingeliot. Thanks!!! <3

This is going to be fun!

1. The Production of Penny. SPOILERS for A Comet Pulled From Orbit.

For the first several weeks, it’s just impossible to meet her. Penny will feel bad about it later, but he can’t take in any new stimuli when his entire body, mind, soul is shivering in the exposed light, trying to adjust to a reality he’d given up on returning to. He holes himself up with his family in one of his favorite places, a small house in Alaska, of all places, that he’d only just acquired and made comfortable when he’d—when he’d gotten himself trapped somewhere else.

2. The Way a Fool Would Do

You never really know what you’re getting into, when you choose to take a soulmate. Before Quentin had bound himself to Eliot, he’d been forced to endure the normal barrage of questions from the Fillorian Soul Council, and then a separate barrage of questions from his cousin Julia, who had nitpicked his choice down to the marrow, pouring concern after concern into Quentin’s already terrified brain.

He’d been so frustrated with her at the time, but in retrospect he can’t blame her for her caution. The fact is, no matter how much you prepare, no matter how much you think you’ve thought it all through, binding another soul to your own is unlike anything else in the world. It is impossible to know how it will feel until it’s already too late to turn back.

3. The Genesis of Julia

She decides, while watching the 1984 Summer Olympics one lazy day, a magically cool glass of lemonade on the table beside her as she lounges back into their comfiest armchair, to master gymnastics. The decision is made more or less on a whim; this is how Julia decides how to spend a great deal of her infinite life minutes, truthfully. She’s organized and meticulous once she knows her goal, but when it comes to finding said goal, it’s all about what strikes her fancy.

4. The Construction of Kady

The dust took a couple of weeks to settle, after Kady’s abrupt departure from her old life and chaotic intrusion into her new one. She’d been in the middle of war with her own people when she’d died for the first time, and the others had found her desperately attempting to steal magic from a rival hedge group in order to survive, too anxious about her own life to properly mourn for her mother’s death, and certainly too caught up in her own frantic mind to trust any of these new people, much less believe them about their immortality, or her own.

5. The Origins of Alice

There was no way to prepare for something like this. There was simply nothing she could do, nothing she could write down, no refinements she could make, that would help her to be more ready for what the morning would bring.

Alice hated that very much, of course.

6. The Creation of Quentin

The object in question was beautifully rendered, detailed and precise. A burnished color, the cool weight of it reassuringly solid in Q’s hands as he examined it, turning it over and over in his hands. This one wasn’t even particularly old; it looked to be a sixteenth century model, and Q had seen older and more beautiful in his time.

7. The Making of Margo

When Margo first met Alice, she understood her immediately. That wasn’t to say that Alice was boring, or predictable, or that there was nothing Margo had to learn about her. It wasn’t that at all. It was more that in meeting Alice, Margo was able to take one look at her and think to herself: ah, now this I know what to do with.

8. The Explanation of Eliot

El was afraid of heights, but only a little.

He could fly, after all, and that should have made fear illogical. But if anything, his ability to subvert gravity was the very reason for his nerves: he’d never been able to trust himself with anything, much less his own life or the life of others. The few times his telekinetic powers had been called in as a means of escape or rescue, when he’d held an innocent stranger or beloved family member in his arms and floated with them down from the side of a mountain or building or cliff face… well, those were the things he had nightmares about, on the rare occasions when he could remember his dreams. It was that sensation of freefall, of knowing it was magic, something inexplicable, deep in his consciousness, in his soul, even, that was the only thing preventing sharp, painful, deadly impact. He knew himself well enough to know he should never be trusted with something so precious as the life of another.

9. A Comet Pulled From Orbit

Alice Quinn woke up.

This was an unexpected development, considering the events of mere moments ago. Specifically the agonizing thirty seconds she’d spent bleeding out on the carpet, wondering in an abstract sort of way how long it would be before someone thought to look for her and found her mangled corpse tucked into the corner of a Brakebills Library study room, surrounded by the shredded remains of several large magical tomes, and her carefully collated notes.

---

Pausing here for a moment after the first 9 - eight of them are all part of one series. The main story, A Comet Pulled From Orbit, is an Alice POV AU of The Old Guard. Prominent Queliot subplot, some burgeoning Kalice and other ships as well. Lots of found family, etc. The other stories, all the ones with the seven main characters' names in them, are meant to be a series of small snippets to fill out that universe, backwards and forwards. I'm noticing that I do a lot of setup, I don't often start in medias res with any of these, trying to set a tone and get the information started right away. Each of the chapters of the snippet stories could be their own thing, so it's a little weird to consider it the start of a bigger story!!

Okay, moving on to earlier stories.

10. is it too late (or could this love protect me)

This is a story about nothing and everything. It is a story between then and now. It is a story of people living their lives, living them, and living them, and continuing to live them, with only some pedestrian heartbreak and alcoholism and good old millennial economic angst to add some variety to the humdrum of continued existence.

This is a story about stupidity, and love. Stupid love.

(A/N - hmm I kinda hate this beginning now even though I'm SUPER proud of the story as a whole)

11. Maybe This Time

"Quentin Coldwater?" Eliot says, twisting the name up in his mouth like an insult.

Give him a break - it's a weird fucking name, for one thing. And besides, the off-putting demeanor is an intentional scare tactic.

12. Beyond the Veil

"Do you think the Lorians would want a seat at the table?" Fen asked doubtfully, looking over the charter in front of her.

"Well, they're going to want to review the language, at any rate," one of the advisers put in. "Especially the order of the names."

"But it's in alphabetical order!" Margo said. "Fillory comes before Loria - sorry, not sorry."

13. Running All This Time

Quentin was sweet. There were a lot of words that Eliot could think of to describe him, several of them a lot more besotted than he was comfortable with, but sweet was an apt descriptor, generally speaking.

He had the softest little smile, and wide brown eyes that crinkled up in the corners when he was happy. He had strong yet gentle hands, hands that were somehow mesmerizing as he flapped them around wildly during conversation, trying to paint pictures in the air to accompany his latest rant about whatever-the-fuck. His voice was calming, his circular logic compelling, enough so that Eliot found himself listening - really listening - whenever Quentin was talking to him, even if it was about the Plover books and what they suggested about this time period in Fillorian history, or the politics of trade when it came to buying labor from talking animals, or how he may have come up with a better tracking system to mark down the mosaic patterns they'd already tried. Dry, uninteresting stuff, really. Which is what Eliot told Quentin, with an eye-roll, to stop him from getting a big head.

14. To Feel the Same

Quentin finds Eliot sitting alone in the armory, surrounded by books.

Something tense and frantic inside of him unclenches, like it always does around this man. It’s actually a remarkable thing, because by all rights Eliot should make him more nervous, not less. Quentin is a nervous person, after all, and Eliot is so… Eliot . A High King in his blood. Quentin had meant that, when he said it, and had drank in the gratitude in Eliot’s eyes like a glass of pure, crisp water, essential and quenching.

15. Identity Theft

The first thing the man noticed as he came to consciousness was that his head was pounding. It felt like the worst hangover he'd ever had, times about a million, and for several seconds all he could do was lay there and gasp and wait for his eyes to adjust. He appeared to be in a semi-dark room of some sort. It was large, with a cavernous ceiling above him, and the air was drafty. Like a garage maybe, bigger even - a warehouse?

The second thing he noticed was that he wasn't alone in the room. There were shapes all around him, rustling and making confused, pained sounds. After a few moments of this, there was a whoosh of energy and an orb of light floated above his head, illuminating the space in a soft glow. Someone in the room had cast a simple light spell. He looked around and sat up slowly, trying not to jostle his still pounding head. His next observation was that pretty much everyone in the room with him was kind of stupidly attractive.

16. Promises

Quentin gets about thirty seconds alone in his bedroom in the cottage, before Eliot is bursting through the door without knocking. It's not that he wasn't expecting him to take it hard, but seriously - can he not give Quentin just a couple of minutes of peace?

"This isn't happening," Eliot says without preamble, slamming the door shut behind him. "I'm sorry, Q, but it's not."

"I honestly don't think it's your decision to make," Quentin says, running a tired hand over his face.

17. The Curse of the Broken Vase (aka The One Where They Get Married and Nothing Goes Wrong)

Quentin was pacing.

He was pacing, and he was tugging his hands through his hair, which he really shouldn't be doing because it had actually taken a hairdresser an annoying amount of time to brush it out and tie it back, and apparently it was perfect now, even though Quentin couldn't really see how it was different from his normal lazy bun, but whatever.

There would be people, Eliot included, who would be annoyed with him for messing up his hair.

18. Liquid Courage

Eliot was fidgeting. Which was unusual, and generally not a good sign. But it still wasn't much of a warning, Quentin had thought to himself later, given what was about to happen. Then again, Eliot had been acting strangely all week, a little distant and distracted, and Quentin had known his partner was working up to discuss something with him.

Quentin had been worried, of course, but in an abstract sort of way. He figured whatever it was, the two of them were more than equal to the challenge. Given everything they'd been through over the entire course of their relationship, he really couldn't imagine any piece of news that would be capable of obliterating their lives.

19. Reciprocal

The thing about Quentin Coldwater was that it was pretty much impossible not to love him. Honestly, it wasn't even Eliot's fault - how was he expected to spend every second of every day around such a beautiful, adorable, kind person without letting it get to him? And the sex. Well. That was fucking incendiary, which really wasn't helping his resolve in the love department.

20. Fragments

It was a perfectly normal morning in Fillory. Which, honestly, should have been Quentin's first warning that things were about to go very, very wrong. Fillory was many things, but normal was not one of them: Q had gotten used to being woken up by harried castle employees, alerting him to one catastrophe or another. The Serpent War had ended months ago, but the paperwork was still pouring in like it had never stopped. His official role in the government wasn't supposed to have anything to do with the war efforts, but it had been an all-hands-on-deck situation for the last year or so.

---

Oh my goodness, this took me back to almost my first story in this fandom! I have 22 Magicians fics posted, so that's almost all of them...

I think my favorite of all of these is Maybe This Time, just because I like starting off with such an iconic moment from canon. It's the kind of fic that I hope resonates with people differently upon a re-read, and I like the strong, instantly recognizable hook. You read that first line and you know where you are, but you have no real idea where the story is about to take you.

I've also had a lot of fun writing Julia in the Comet 'verse and I like her opening line to the first snippet I did for her!

---

I'll tag @hmgfanfic, @ameliajessica, @hoko-onchi-writes, @freneticfloetry, @honeybabydichotomy, @allegria23, @spiders-hth-is-an-outlier, @rubickk7, @portraitofemmy, @propinquitous, and all others who want to!!