#i'm just... going through it fam

[mercymaker]

i just want to sleep and rest and not have all this tummy pain

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

[mad-hunts]

barton creating a drinking game while watching house m.d. on the basis that him and matilda take a shot every time doctor house commits medical malpractice might be both the most dangerous but also genius game ever if you want to get drunk QUICK... a little too quick, if you ask me LMAO

[lunaetis]

@endweapon asked :

[ trace ] sender traces one of receiver’s scars ( eden's stellaron scar y/n )

nonverbal  meme  prompts. || accepting

─「エデン」─  EDEN hated the feeling of being exposed. the feeling of vulnerability, of being forced to reveal a part of her she would fight tooth and nail to keep hidden from sight. the trailblazer used to be quite open about herself, about what she was, about the truth behind her existence. she held no shame or need to keep a secret, however, things changed as time passed. as the JOURNEY went on, the more she knew, the less she shared.

                perhaps, the STELLARON had taken such a liking to the living weapon stood before her, as eden found her memory fragmented whenever he was presented. the cancer of all worlds pushed her consciousness aside, took over the body that was created to be its vessel and commanded it as if it was theirs. it's old, the seed of destruction, it's always so loud when he was here.

                this time was no different. it should've been no different if it weren't for a part of her being exposed against her will.

                eden saw everything even when her body wasn't under her influence, she witnessed everything through her locked up mind only to forget the moment she regained control. the AWARENESS never lasted longer than a few seconds. it was like waking up from a dream, however, this time, it wasn't the same. was it a fight ? she knew the stellaron was provoking him. the pain of the wounds and injuries was familiar.

                until she could feel it, the way the BLADE cut through her clothes, and her breath caught in her lungs, golden hues WIDENED and she screamed — her. not the stellaron. not the cancer of all worlds. not the corrupted self. her. eden. golden hues were blown wide, pupils dilated.

                " NO — " but it was too late. the attack landed and her skin was exposed. there it was, the proof of her existence. the LARGE SCAR that stretched from the middle of her chest throbbed wildly. the gold swirling and curling at the tearing marred her what was once flawless skin. this ... was her. this was what she was, what she was created for. everything that was the trailblazer was reduced to this very mark.

                the cold steel didn't harm her skin, yet, being exposed like this rendered eden completely silent, and the hold of the STELLARON slipped away. light returned to those aureate orbs, and instead of the sharp tip of the blade, she felt the gloved clad digits tracing along what looked like a crack in space and time, filled to the brim with liquid gold. life ? weapon ? both ?

                it pulsed, silently, lethally. her head throbbed, once, twice, and there was a ringing. it echoed dully within the mind of the TRAILBLAZER, pupils quivering uncontrollably, and ...

                ... a single tear slipped from her eye. exposed. vulnerable. empty. empty. empty.

                don't look at it. don't look at me.

                don't look at me ... or else you'd realize i'm nothing but a pawn.

                a living weapon. that's all i am.

[leonisandmurex]

Yeah yeah that's nice but where 🧐 will the Equerries be seated??

[thesilverlady]

I'm not enough of a book purist to not being able to enjoy headcanons, crackships etc (as a matter of fact I do love them). But seeing newbies unironically and completely serious considering aemond to "trying to be the perfect son", or "heleana is the people's princess" or "rhaenyra is calm, collected and strategic", "Daemon is the family's clown, the agent of chaos" legit gives me a headache because they are nothing like that.

And I'm not talking about ppl writing fanfics with this type of characterization, but ppl legit having takes based on the terrible portrayal of the show. And even when they go to read f&b they still have the image the show gave them because they don't seem capable of letting go.

it just feels like Jon Snow/Daenerys Targaryen character assassination all of again.

There are so many people who consider Jon to be basically ned 2.0 and Dany a mad queen-girlboss-slay

I just wish we could seperate books from adaptations. That's all

[dredshirtroberts]

it is not slacking off to write or create it is not slacking off to do things that are fun i am not slacking off or procrastinating right now i'm allowed to do things i enjoy doing for fun including playing games and writing and such

[your-thighness]

.

[todayisafridaynight]

me when i ship zhaohan 😔 there's next to no content unless i'm just not looking in the right spots

be the change you want to see in the world my man.... if i can trick people into thinking masadai is real then i know you can rally the troupes with them lovable goobers......

[mythvoiced]

-. there's this thing i just... violently don't understand about having tense/stressed out characters in film & tv start fidgeting and touching things and adjusting things that they are generally and socially allowed to mess with (as usually established by the context, for example, an array of pencils that anyone can pick up because idk free gift, just bear with me) and then another character just stops them, picks it out of their hands, smacks their arm, gives them a mean look, and i'm supposed to read the scene as 'haha they're so right for doing that make them stop' like??????? why. i know i'm preaching to the choir but why is this a thing, why is it any of your fucking business to be so genuinely annoyed with someone fidgeting to self-soothe, buddy you are Literally not involved in this, i hate those scenes, immediately kills empathy points for a character for me

[baked-hylian]

why does each new season give me interesting crumbs in between annoying writing choices?

I finally watched the new season of tdp (didn't even know it was out) and I gotta say whatever writers left should come back please

episode one was extremely stale, maybe it's largely because I don't like how they've been writing Rayla and Callum's relationship, but it felt so forced and unnecessary of an episode all to force a "I trust her unconditionally" type of plot that doesn't even work with the information she's been hiding from Callum. Like why even hide what happened to her parents and Runaan? By now everyone is mostly aware of why the Moonshadow elves put the hit on Harrow, Rayla has been forgiven for her part in it. What purpose did that serve to the narrative other than to force the unconditional trust point that episode. A point that could have been done using the pirate town and her potentially having an arrest warrant from there, causing friction between the humans that still don't trust elves and Callum who doesn't ask her about the warrant, merely trusts that there is a good reason for it. I did really like Domina Profundis' design from the episode and I am still salty about the crap with the elf and human camp from the previous season and had to be reminded of it when Karim appeared.

episode two was better because of Claudia and Terry. Terry is great for her, love him for that, but I do dislike how much he shifts the tone during Claudia's scene considering she seems to be either being set up to stay a permanent enemy or perhaps episode nine will be her rock bottom before taking a different path. Also love all the shit going on in Viren's mind palace, poor guy needs a break.

episode three was interesting. I like the slow set up with Karim working towards taking back the kingdom via his first follower. I also really enjoyed the scenes with Amaya but it's Amaya and really hard not to like her. it does seem like tone is a difficult thing for the series to balance, and even by episode three it felt like whiplash at times between implied horrible thing and poop jokes.

episode four was probably the best of the first half of the season. It was so obvious that the book drop was going to be used as a makeshift fortress to keep out the corrupted banthers. However the episode just got laughable when the library became overrun with them. Would have been nice and cool of them to turn it into more of a zombie movie-esque situation and have corrupted elves and other animals appear, maybe even a dragon. also a little confused on how fast the corruption is supposed to work but hey, for plot reasons we need Zubeia to not become completely infected instantly, instead draw it out for several days/episodes for drama (same as the drama of whether or not Amaya and Corvus lived)

episode five was extremely predictable. Of course the first old elf ocean mage that the group meets is the one they need. We can't make this journey too complicated and heaven forbid that we take a moment to do anything, but maybe I'm still salty from the previous episode cause it seemed pretty far fetched that Zubeia couldn't just annihilate the corrupted banthers with ease and instead had to abandon Amaya and Corvus, because.... Amaya yelled for the first time on screen? BUT it did introduce my new favourite bad bitch Kim'dael, a bloodmoon shadow elf with some very interesting lore that I would have loved to see hinted at more when we were first visiting their forest.

episode six by far was one of my favourites introducing Captain Finnegrin but alas, all good things must come to an end because by episode eight he's dealt with like he was a stereotypical bully in a high school movie instead of a fearsome pirate captain.

episode seven was most interesting at two points. Janai being kidnapped by Kim'dael and the reveal of Finnegrin's ship being a giant hermit crab with a ship built around it. That was pretty sick, along with Callum literally stealing the wind from Finnegrin's ship prior to the crab reveal.

episode eight gets disappointing though with the way everything wrapped up with Finnegrin. I think I was hoping too much for that little thread of Finnegrin wanting to kill the ocean arch dragon due to wanting revenge for his first crab ship being killed by her. Really interesting, especially when he finally got the info he wanted from Callum about dark magic strong enough to kill an arch dragon. I thought it'd be really cool to see him return again, maybe even united with other antagonists at some point. BUT nope. Instead Soren uses the power of being a chill dude to convince Elmer he deserves to be treated better, and it worked somehow. Idk you'd figure a man who has been pirating over 40+ would maybe have had one or two actually loyal crew and not a bunch of essentially slaves. Seriously those kids would have been so fucked if Finnegrin had had some truly loyal men.

and lastly episode nine. Just poor Claudia, she really deserves the support she gets from Terry. Girl just wants to keep her family together. Was NOT expecting her to get her leg cut off in the confrontation, hopefully that sticks and she does some funky dark magic prosthetic for it. However the episode has left me wondering if they'll actually straight up kill Viran and use that to drive Claudia completely to the dark side, blaming Katolis and elves and dragons alike for getting in the way of her protecting her family, or will Viren live and try to walk Claudia back from the darkness? As it stands, I can totally see Aaravos forcing the dark magic spell to make Viren's resurrection permanent, but I do wonder if that was the only reason he created their freaky moth son or if there is more to that still.

[baddybaddyadardaddy]

ugh

i have 2 days off and am trying to make words happen

but theater bullshit and brain pain are preventing that from happening

[liebelesbe]

I should start wearing perfume, I love the concept of people having a specific smell associated with them. HOWEVER. so many perfumes are just. a lot. so maybe I should start my long journey of finding a perfume that smells good + isn't overwhelming...

[otterandterrier]

send me strength to be around family tomorro

[clumsyclifford]

hello!! i was tagged by @uservalentine to name my top 9 albums of 2022 (thank you bente <3), so here they are, in more or less the order i got super into them. 

you are ok by the maine

you signed up for this by maisie peters

love and other lies by charlotte sands

stick season by noah kahan

5sos5 by 5sos

kings of the new age by state champs

the band camino by the band camino

girl of my dreams by fletcher

pioneer by the maine

honorable mention to bruce springsteen’s born in the u.s.a. which i listened to an unexpected amount of times this year and lowkey fell in love with.

@cringeycal @kaleidoscopeminds @burstingsunrise @tirednotflirting @reveriesofawriter @imisskeek tell me your top 9 albums or perish xoxo

[theyhope]

OOC. A former abuser of mine is gonna be in my house today and I’m trying to be calm and collected because I would like there to be peace in the family and to extend grace because I’ve forgiven him, BUT the pain and trauma is still obviously there so I’m super anxious and damn I’m freaking out HELP.