#i'm just really passionate about this universe and these characters i've created and i want them to live somewhere outside of my head
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i've finally started writing down the story i've been rotating in my mind for half my life!!!
#well. so far i have one (1) sentence. and it's not even a good sentence.#but you've gotta start somewhere#i really want to write the whole thing down. maybe even publish it online one day#i'm just really passionate about this universe and these characters i've created and i want them to live somewhere outside of my head#the story has gone through so many iterations that it's basically the ship of theseus at this point#but it all evolved from something i made up when i was about 12#and now i'm finally writing about it. feeling a bit emotional ngl
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Hi Dema!! Your art is fantastic and even the lineart is awesome! Solid and confident in where it's thick and where thin. I really like how your style has characters look more realistic and they have specific consistent features. Your blog has a pleasant atmosphere, and you're skilled in weaving AUs! There's a lot of details and structure, and I'd like to ask if any of them have a full story arc? Could you do a list of all of the AUs? Is there a motif that you especially like that repeats in any of the AUs? And whenever you add comments to my stuff in the tags I literally smile, it makes me want to keep at my plan to create everything I have in mind. So I'd like to spread this joy! I hope you have a nice day! (from late-draft ^^)
Hello, Late-Draft! I wasn't expecting this ask at all but I'm so glad to have received it!
First of all—I'll try to hold myself back from giggling like a schoolgirl. I'm having a sempai noticed me moment over here and that's just embarrassing. So give me a second to compose myself, if that's alright?
Okay, I'm back.
Now, on to business.
Character design, especially when it comes to facial features and how they're unique to each person, has always been a passion of mine. I always try to have a solid design for each character. I choose which features feel like the character in question, which face feels natural to draw, and go along with it. I love drawing Katara as much as I love drawing Zuko. Meanwhile, I seem to be on a never-ending battle against Sokka's features. Woes of an artist, I suppose.
Character design is actually one of the reasons I love your work so much, in case you hadn't noticed. I'm currently experimenting a bit with a different style... Hopefully it won't be long before the artwork is done and I can share it over here. I'm so excited for everyone to see it!
Now it's time for the reason we're all here.
I have said it before and shall say it once more: AUs are my lifeblood.
I love them so much! Building them, daydreaming the scenes, thinking of the characters and how they differ from their canon versions. The arcs and the themes and the worldbuilding. Building AUs is my passion, and I have so many of them!
There are a lot of motifs and themes that tend to repeat themselves in several of my AUs, I believe.
You'll notice that most of my stories are Zuko-centric, with a heavy emphasis on grief and humanity. There's the question of what makes us human and how to move forward when the whole world seems to push you back. I put a lot of stock in metaphors and symbolism within the narrative itself. I'm especially interested in the nuance of war and how it affects people emotionally, physically, and psychologically
I also tend to reutilize some elements of the lore and/or worldbuilding! Such as the Painted Lady's backstory, or the existence of War Children within the ATLA universe.
Now, the list!
I think I'll start with my current project, if that's okay :)
For the Spirits (New Gods AU)
Zuko was a child when he met Agni. Then, the spirits started coming to him. Eyes hidden in the hallways, voices pleading for help, for recognition, for remembrance.
Zuko could see Agni. He could see the broken remains of a Great Spirit and the empty smiles of amnesiac ghosts.
And they could see him in return.
I've been working on this AU for a long time, but only now did I get the chance to start writing the fic (linked up there!). I'm extremely excited about FTS and where the story will lead us in the future, but I'll try not to spoil too much.
It's a Zuko-centric story, with a heavy emphasis on Spirits and humanity. I'd like to add a warning for depression/mental health issues.
To Hesitate (Lee & Kya AU)
As she watches Lee and Kya avoid each other's eyes from across the room, the phrase comes back to her, swift and silent:
"To hesitate is to lose."
.
As Song treats the victim of an unfortunate interaction with a rare poisonous flower, her day takes an unexpected turn when it becomes apparent that the old man's nephew and her assistant have history.
A vivid history.
The Lee & Kya AU is a vibe, a feeling. It's probably one of my oldest AUs out there as well as one of my dearest.
A classical Lee and Kya From The Tea Shop AU, full with wholesome fandom tropes such as: fake (but not really) dating, fake identities, Ba Sing Se shenanigans, vigilante stuff, White Lotus missions, Iroh is a great Uncle, Zuko is an awkward turtleduck, and, of course, the fluffiest fluff you'll ever see.
Other than that, Lee & Kya is probably one of the less plot-focused AUs I have. However, that doesn't mean that there aren't scenes I can't wait to write or a canon divergence or two where Zuko is concerned.
(I have another fic posted but I'll leave that one to the end. You asked for a full story arc and, oh boy, does Soundless deliver.)
Kintsugi AU
Closer to being canon-adjacent than canon-divergent, Kintsugi is yet another Zuko-centric AU (and are we not noticing a pattern over here?).
I'd love to explain it in depth, but I believe the caption of the artwork linked above does a better job at explaining than I ever will.
Kintsugi is the art of decorating your scars with pieces of Agni.
In the Fire Nation, the amount of golden marks are a sign of status. Only the Royal Family can afford to seal every single wound with Kintsugi. Such is the weight of this tradition that, among the ones with Agni's blood, it is the highest mark of dishonor to have a natural scar, for it proves you aren't worthy of the privilege.
After the Agni Kai, Ozai forbid Zuko's scar to be sealed with Kintsugi. The boy wasn't worth his title, his traditions or his pride. Zuko would be broken, but he wouldn't be beautiful. Not anymore.
(And sometimes it's easier to pretend he never was)
Kyoshi Warriors AU
One of my absolute favorites!
In this AU, Ursa took Zuko and Azula with her when she was banished, so they could start anew. With help from Iroh and the White Lotus, she managed to relocate her freshly burned eight-year-old child and her crying daughter to Kyoshi Island.
Years later, when Avatar Aang and his companions first arrive at Kyoshi Island, they're met by the Kyoshi Warriors and their leader, Noriko of pale skin and warm brown eyes.
The Gaang leave Kyoshi Island many weeks later with a new companion. And if Jian Li, with his war paint and his scar and his dual dao, gives the island that he has called home for so long one final, longing glance as they fly away on Appa, they pretend not to notice.
Hunters AU
We're starting to dwelve deep into dangerous waters!
This is a Katara Joins Zuko In His Quest To Find The Avatar AU, with a twist!
This AU was born as a writing experiment. What if we take Katara's character, and change one of her core characteristics? Katara, who looked up to the Avatar as a saviour figure, now blames him for leaving and allowing the Fire Nation to wage war on the world.
Then comes Zuko, a banished Prince with a crew full of traitors and his own agenda. Zuko wishes for nothing more than to dethrone his father and end the war. He is a White Lotus member, an honorable, driven young man, and he has a plan.
The catch? He needs to take the Avatar to his father if he wishes to regain his title and be able to rightfully take the throne. Oh, and he will deliver the Avatar to the Fire Lord—but nobody said it had to be in chains.
Halfblood AU
I watched Blue Eye Samurai a few months ago and it destroyed me. The idea of a half-blooded child dead set on getting revenge for their very existence stuck with me, and this AU was born.
Kanna made a life for herself in the Earth Kingdom after leaving the North. Katara was raised by her grandmother in a small village, being taught to hide her bending if she wanted to live peacefully in a place she was only half of. Her mother had died in childbirth. Her father, a nameless warrior from the Southern Water Tribe who had loved Kya and left her behind, didn't know of Katara's existence.
Katara took over Kanna's clinic after she passed away. Always taking care of others. Always suppressing her need to bend. Always wishing for more.
One day, he arrived. A half-child, just like her. But while she was of Water, he was a son of Agni. He was searching for the man who brought him to this world. The man who scarred him. The man whose face he couldn't recall, whose name he did not know. The man whose specter had chased his mother to her grave. The man who would die at his hand.
The answers were hidden in a small teashop deep within Ba Sing Se. Lee offered her a way out, and Katara took it.
Soundless (Uiscefhuaraithe)
Katara of the Southern Water Tribe has hands scarred by fire and great talent, though no teacher.
Zuko is a mute War Child, a herbalist and healer, and the Blue Spirit. He bears the mark of fire, and the scar of the blade that took away his voice.
The first time they met, the Blue Spirit had just saved her, tough not before her hands got burned. The second time they met, his name was Lee, and he was healing her.
They live in war and they will fight, if not for the world, then for themselves.
You asked for a full storyline, and I shall deliver!
Soundless is probably the only AU I have fully planned. Three-books, Azula redemption arc, role-reversals and all.
This AU has everything. From travelling through the Earth Kingdom together, to odd character team-ups that somehow manage to work, and a major goal/conflict to resolve.
Zuko and Katara must find their way to Omashu in an Earth Kingdom ravaged by war as they also grow to understand each other, themselves, and the world around them. They meet with new and old alliances, keep their ears open for rumors of the Avatar (They say he is an airbender, Lee. Do you truly belive that?), and do their best to always be two steps ahead of their pasts.
Meanwhile, both the Northern and Southern Water Tribes are searching for the runaway heiress, Aang must find his way alone on this new, hostile world, and Azula must face the revelation that, despite what her father has stated for the last two years (liar, he lied at her! Her! He lied he liedliedliedlied), her brother might just be alive.
I'm sorry for making this such a long answer! I just get very excited about these subjects and don't know when to stop. If you made it all the way down here: thank you again.
I hope you have a good day ❤️
#dema answers#zutara#atla#zuko#avatar the last airbender#katara#zutara au#for the spirits#new gods au#Spirit Touched Zuko#to hesitate#lee and kya from the tea shop au#lee and kya from the tea shop#soundless au#Soundless (Uiscefhuaraithe)#soundless#kintsugi au#halfblood au#kyoshi warrior ursa au#kyoshi warrior zuko#kyoshi warriors au#hunters au#Katara joins Zuko AU#There's another AU I didn't mention#It's set in Ba Sing Se and it's shhhh a secret#Thank you again for writing to me!#I love to share my AUs and stories and headcanons and general craziness#This took me like two hours or so to write#They were absolutely worth it
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hi jojo! im just wondering but ive been wanting to make a comic for a little while but im not too sure where to start 😅. i really love your style of art and your forgotten land roleswap, and i was wondering if you had any tips for beginners?
Hello, hello! Thank you for enjoying my Forgotten Land Roleswap comic, it means a lot! <3
I'm very honored that people have been asking me for tips and advice. All of this is coming from a hobbyist who draws these comics purely for fun outside of my regular day job. Some of my methods would probably deal psychic damage to a professional, LOL. But I'm more than happy to share some things I've personally learned! :)
First of all, the book, "Understanding Comics" by Scott McCloud ROCKS. It literally gave me a new dimension to understand the medium of comics and how it presents ideas and emotions to readers! And I haven't even had the chance to finish it all the way! I'm very happy I own a copy and I recommend having one of your own if you can, but it's archived here if you want to read it :D
I also like analyzing other comics and thinking about how they get information across to me as a reader. It's helped me learn more effective ways to visually tell a story, like what to include in a frame, how zooming in or out affects the feeling from the panel, maybe building a scene by focusing on other stuff if someone is talking a lot... etc.
ANYWAYS-! Some other tips I've learned through my personal experience-
I had to overcome a lot of negative self-talk in order to tackle a huge comic project like this and stay committed. I was a pretty severe self-deprecator for most of my life so far, and getting help has allowed me to catch myself when I'm slipping back into those habits, look in the mirror, and go, "NO, JOJO! You pour your heart into what you make and that is a wonderful thing! You are appreciated and loved and you deserve to have fun making something you are passionate about!!" Some examples of the negative self-talk I catch myself in....
"I'm a noob at writing and making a story interesting... What's the point of even trying?"
When it comes to starting a project, whether it's 2 pages or 2000 pages, is to just jump in and start! It's okay to be a little insecure or nervous about your technical art skills, writing skills, etc... But writing a "bad" scene is better than no scene- because you can always edit a "bad" scene down the line, but what can you do with nothing? Nothing!! I also put "bad" in quotation marks because I am trying to use that term less, and instead call them "early drafts." or "works in progress."
The first Roleswap scene I fleshed-out was the first Bandee boss fight, in May 2022. I made this drawing on an impulse, getting my ideas down on the page without thinking about the technical stuff like comic panel borders. I consider it like a "pilot episode" almost, haha. The final project is going to be very different from how things play out here. But it got me interested in the concept and excited to see where I could take it, and I made the decision to commit to an entire game plot's worth of AU comics!!
Also, what's the point in trying you ask? The point is to have fun! Making a fan comic in my free time means I don't have restrictions like deadlines, nobody's telling me what I can and can't write, and I can make the story as long or as short as I want! I have full control, which means the world I'm writing is all mine to create! Yes, with a fan comic there is a pre-established world with existing characters. But a universe like Kirby has enough open-ended concepts for people to take basic concepts in the world and take them to whole new levels! I think that's why there are so many amazing fan interpretations of Kirby characters and OCs. The rules are so vague, you can just make up your own a lot of the time!! And it's a wonderful exercise to learn skills for someday building an original world with all original characters from scratch! Magical!!!
"I'm not good enough to make a comic. I don't understand perspective or color and other stuff. Anything I make will look bad.
I once read a two panel comic on here. I can't find it anymore but I remember most of it. First panel showed the artist looking at what they're drawing on their tablet, looking defeated and sad. "Man, I don't even know how to draw this....."The next panel was like them smiling and shrugging, I think rainbows and sparkles were coming out of their tablet, ".....I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO DRAW IT SHITTY!! :D "
IF ANYONE KNOWS THIS COMIC I'M REFERENCING, PLEASE TELL ME AND I'LL LINK IT!!! Because it permanently and positively changed my brain chemistry.
No kidding, making the decision to just do my best even if it's not perfect, helped me a LOT. I was always waiting to "reach a certain level" to tackle a huge project because I felt like I'd never do it justice at my current state. Except I had been telling myself that kind of stuff for years and I still didn't start any projects!!
So the day I said, "Oh well! If I draw backgrounds shitty, then it is what it is! I'll learn from it and draw the next background a little better," Was the day I could commit fully to the project. I'll keep studying how to draw them better for my own benefit, but I won't let my skill issues stop me from even trying!
And for my limited confidence in full-color art, I solved that by making the comic in black and white with no-to-minimal shading lolol. Because I can only address one skill issue at a time before it takes me 25 years to finish this HAHAHA.
It saves a BUNCH of time to work with skill issues rather than against them! Because at least experience is gained in other ways, and who knows, maybe that new knowledge will help address the skill issues someday! So identifying your personal skill issues and deciding which one to try to grow stronger, and which one to work around, could help with big projects!
"Nobody will read this. I'm going to put months or years of my life into a dumb little thing nobody will even care about."
Learning how to draw for my own enjoyment instead of somebody else's was one of the biggest breakthroughs I ever made. Enjoying the feeling of being challenged artistically and just doing my best, even if it's not technically perfect, is the reason why I was even able to start this!
And just because someone doesn't directly like, comment or whatever on a post doesn't mean nobody saw it! I used to get really down on myself for the lack of engagement on my art on other websites.
I was a lurker for pretty much my entire teenage years and never posted my own stuff or commented much. But that didn't take away the fact that I really enjoyed the things I saw online. Those positive feelings were real to me, even when I didn't know how to articulate it in words. Granted, I grew up into a Words of Affirmation main, and I use words to tell people the positive things I think about them as much as I can! But I know not everyone prefers words to express themselves. So I think about the people that I don't know enjoy my work- that just because I don't see it doesn't mean I didn't make a positive impact on someone by sharing my stories.
THIS IS GETTING LONG-- UHHH, STORY TIPS!!
If you work best on technology, start building the story in a Notes app, or a Google Doc! If you work best with pen and paper, start a notebook and rearrange stuff as you need to!
Or if you're chaotic like me, a mix of tech and paper!! I bought a notebook with ring binding so I can remove and rearrange pages of drafts as much as I wanted to! Like here's two very rough concept pages of one Chapter 1 scene made months apart.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/702c5acd1a9e9ea3becfa212f1d9ef64/51302d2043a18211-ff/s540x810/98e3bcfae7aa552107336972c0a1d12574ddb930.jpg)
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I'd say planning out the biggest basic plot points and then filling in between as I went was most helpful! I also have separate notes for character motivations, important story-changing events, etc... So I can have my own reference when I'm writing new scenes!
Okay this was a lot, sorry about the yapping! Hopefully it helps even a tiny bit. If you have any specific questions I'm happy to talk about my experience in the creation process! Or elaborate on anything I said above.
And finally, because I'm not a professional there are probably plenty of other tactics that could work better for some people. My ADHD probably doesn't help with the chaos of my process either, HAHA. But thank you for reading this far and enjoying the peek into the rainbow glitter and soap bubbles that inhabit the right side of my brain, heehee.
#ref#roleswap bonus features#forgotten land roleswap#ask#king dedede#meta knight#elfilis#bandana waddle dee#comics
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HEY YOU GOT MY FAVORITE GAYS EVER AS YOUR BANNER- me fr
anyways do you have any ocs perchance I would like to draw em
LMAAAO, THEY'RE ADORABLE, I HAD TO HAVE THEM IN MY BANNER
And omg, I do but... they're kinda cringey.
...
Anyway here they are!!!!
It's a quick drawing of all of them, they don't belong to the same storyline tho, I created them to entertain myself, and it's a sketch like this because I actually draw them traditionally, not digitally. I draw them in my classes.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/6e83094551e778d3ac65ce3f24e24d46/7fe9d4b9eec0c85f-37/s540x810/41e8d2b7a97b952ca25328a76cf35b35eb038975.jpg)
They're more like... introduced characters into DC universe??? As you can see second Luan on the right is WonderGirl, so...yeah, cringey.
But I want to share their stories because I love them!!!
If you don't care, you can skip, I already gave their designs right here, so knowing their stories is kind of unnecessary??? I put some photos ahead, so you can skip the text and go to the photos if you want to draw any of them and need references!
So, Natalya is actually just a normal teenager, daughter of Bruce Wayne, didn't really cared about her mother so... she's dead, I guess. Maybe a one night stand. I created her because I thought it would be cute for Damian to have a gentle, kind big sister figure? In that moment I wasn't into DC in general, so I didn't know about Cass and Steph, I only watched the movies.
But then I read the comics, and well, here's her lore:
So, she's very fragile, she gets tired easily, she gets sick easily, but as a kid, she really, really wanted to be a to do sports and all that to prove Bruce and others she wasn't weak. She knew Jason and was super close to him. Then Jason died haha. She felt alone, Bruce was grieving, Dick was grieving, she gets angry, she hates everyone, then Tim takes the mantle of Robin, Natalya hates him.
Like, really, really hates him.
Uhh... Idk if this is canon or not, because as I've said before, I'm not a Tim fan...
So, in this au Tim's parents die, Natalya feels bad, kinda tries to fix things, doesn't really work.
So she's been always trying to be loud and annoying to call others attention, but after this, she kinda quiets down??? And realizes that, well, sometimes listening is nice too, yk? I remember I had this scene where she's complaining to Alfred, like; why won't he forgive me!? I already said sorry! (She's a kid)
And Alfred tells her to, well, to kinda listen to others? Because all she's listening is herself; I already apologized, I already said I'm sorry, I'm right, you're wrong.
And well, ever since then Natalya kinda calms down and learns that, well, sometimes life is life, and that she never really had a passion for sports, she didn't even liked them she just wanted to be noticed.
She realizes that what she does like is playing chess with Alfred, and well, she joins the chess club of her school, once she's calmer and nicer Tim forgives her, they become close. Everything's going just fine...
And then Damian arrives.
But Natalya is super happy, she had a little brother! And she was going to be the best sister and give him all the attention and affection she didn't have when she was a kid.
At first Damian doesn't like it. Then he kinda does. Is nice to have someone caring for you, and Natalya is just...nice. she's the type of girl that likes to take care of others, and that really likes to do little gestures like baking sweets for you when you're feeling sick.
... then she dies. Yeah. Idk why I decided she would die. She just does.
Damian revives her with the Lazarus pit, because he feels it was his fault (something, something happened, Natalya covered him with her body, she dies). I really wanna go into detail but it'll be too long.
And when she revives she's kinda traumatized! But she's adapting. Besides, her body isn't as weak as it used to. I have this scene where she's running and she realizes; Wait, I'm running. I'm not tired. I'm not having trouble breathing. I'm running!!!!
So Natalya's kinda happy, I guess.
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(she ends up with a bunch of scars and her left eye is grey now. She can't see with that one. She was shot. Multiple times. I like to think her scar have like this 💥 form.
Uh... second one is Luan(19)! I actually created her, again, while I was watching the movies; wouldn't it be funny if Damian had a twin sister? So that's where the design came from. Damian in the movies doesn't look like o picture him now tho 😭😭✋✋✋ anyway, her lore? Well, as Damian twin sister: she was trained, killed, revived, killed, revived, then she was poisoned with Joker Venom, but it kind of made her crazy, she tries to blow up the whole city, she realizes last moment what she's doing, she develops like...personality problems??? (Her real self and the venom self, kind of), she runs away.
She spends time trying to find who she is, then she returns to Gotham to end a criminal organization she created while she was a villain. She refuses to talk with the batfam because she feels to guilty, because well, she kinda tried to kill them all.
That's as Damian's twin tho. As a new Oc? Idk... she's a villain... that's it. I didn't really thought about her new lore. I just really like her design. I created a boyfriend for her, when I was redesigning her to be older and just a different person. She met him when she was fighting batman and Robin, and he kinda "saved" her ("saved' because she knew he was spying on her and pretended to be loosing to see what he would do). His name is Kairos. It means: a propitious moment for decision or action. I think it's pretty accurate.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/6db02c5fbc1a80829fff25fa800d5718/7fe9d4b9eec0c85f-c4/s540x810/b2fd4f3efebf034cbbc37ca7aacd9165c82b6cb6.jpg)
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Kate is my favorite. She's such a tiny little devil I love her so much.
Her real name is Lydia, actually, she lived with her mother, a drug addict, in crime alley. When she was three or so, one day she kinda got mad at her mom, a temper tantrum, and well, she had the bad habit of hiding while she was angry.
Well she hid under the bed and just then some bad guys appeared because, surprise, her drug addict mother owed them money.
They killed her...uhhh, warning, I guess:
⚠️ They kinda... strangled her. And I have this scene where the just put her against the floor, the woman is dying, and Kate is there, under the bed, and she can't do shit because, she's a damn toddler and is scared? ⚠️
She stayed there, hidden under the bed for a whole day, just in shock, before she ran away from her apartment and just... Idk, she just wanted to leave. She was panicking, alright?
The point is, Selina finds her.
Kate is in a state of shock and doesn't really react, so Selina takes her in and gives her a new name. Kate! Like kitten, get it?
So...
She's kind of a prodigy??? She's a smart ass, she knows how to build all type of machines and is pretty smart.
So she fixes Selina's little gadgets if needed, and Selina will buy her materials so she can build her machines.
There's more lore to her but, well, let's just say this is too long already.
She kinda gets traumatized. She's fighting for her life, she cuts her hair. She heals. She becomes a better person.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/8e253120556505ee0951888225872ab4/7fe9d4b9eec0c85f-30/s540x810/bba741a223b3295500194bff17816bfffc8b3cc2.jpg)
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I REALLY WANT TO GIVE DETAILS BUT UHG, I FEEL LIKE IT'LL BE TOO MUCH.
Anyway here's the other Luan's lore:
She's WonderGirl, she was supposed to train with Diana but Diana decides she's not ready. She's too... brutal. She fights like boxing? You see those bracelets? They extent to her hands so they turn into big gauntlets she uses to fight. So yeah, violent. The thing is like she actually has fun while fighting. She'll be jumping and giggling, and well, that's not very...sane thing to do?
She grew up in Themyscira, by a secluded group of Amazons that just taught her how to fight, and how to be 'a good warrior'.
When Damian forms his Teen Titans team he kinda kidnapped her too (because let's be honest, he kidnapped everyone, lmao). Damian feels kinda related to her??? Because Luan is always sayin: a good warrior does this, a good warrior does that. And she's willing to die for 'her honor.' it kinda reminds him to how he used to be in the League.
I honestly created her because Jon and Damian were missing a wonder to be like, Batman, superman and Wonder woman. And then I kinda liked to think Damian and Luan would have something. Honestly? This is all Djinni's fault. God, did I hate her.
But uh, then I had this idea where she kinda gets lost in time and she kinda looses her memories and...
Yeah, I won't give details. You already know why. Too long.
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Oh yeah, and she used to kill. Damian taught her not to!
Anyway, that's all, I'm so sorry for my rambling, I just had to share them because I love them so much. 😭😭😭
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Hi Yuuri I just wanted to say I miss Howell. That’s all I hope you have a good day😊
I do too! There's still a lot about him I want to know and figure out. I was able to delve into him a bit more (and get some much needed closure) with some friends. I don't think he's really a character that I want to do various iterations of in different worlds and campaigns, because it's that specific story of his that I love. If it's removed from that world and story, I'd rather have another shot at a new character.
I was able to salvage a couple of relationships out of the rubble from the entire ordeal surrounding TnD, and I've got no beef with anyone who wasn't literal human trash, so Howell's place in my heart is unscathed in terms of being attached to a really shitty time and situation.
Reflecting on those days, that shit was a nightmare scenario. Obviously my own emotional turmoil pales in comparison to the literal criminal and victim in our midst, don't get that twisted because those most directly impacted by one asshole's actions should be the primary concern. It is a hell of a pill to swallow having something that dear to you go up in flames in such a public and grotesque way.
I don't blame anyone who feels any type of way about how it was handled and the aftermath of it. The truth of it all is, one person's really fucked up actions had widespread effects on a lot of people. The radius of that bomb was no joke.
Howell is very dear to me, and those Sundays were genuinely the favorite day of the week for me over that time. The backlash, anger, resentment, and then emptiness of it all really took its toll, as I'm sure it did on everyone caught in the blast zone.
The bad guy got got in the end, and I'm thankful for the folks who made sure that happened.
That year as a whole was really difficult. That wasn't the only heavy thing I had to work through that year. There was a stretch of six months that were probably the worst of my adult life in terms of interpersonal turmoil. The universe really took a bat to my kneecaps.
Saying ALLLLLLLL of that to say, if I had lost my love for Howell, it would have taken a significant toll on me creatively. I would not so freely share the parts of myself it takes to create the stories and characters I do now. I can pretty confidently say that something like Echoes or Shattered would never happen.
I struggled mightily with BitterSweet Chapter 3 for that reason. It was hard to want to carve out pieces of myself to share with the world, and certainly very difficult to work with anyone else out of fear that their bad actions could rob me of my passion even more.
But I learned a lot, and over that time I also think I was able to show my community how serious situations get handled while I'm at the helm. I hate that me and the team have been on the frontlines of a few really serious community PR nightmares, but I do think we've been able to exhibit an ability to treat things with maturity, respect, and direct action.
So Howell means a lot to me. We've been on two journeys, one fictional, and one real...and boy we've gotten our asses kicked more than a few times.
There is a chance, albeit a small one, that there's a DnD story to be told with Howell and some friends, for the world to partake in. Don't know if it'll happen, but the chances aren't 0%...
#it's okay if y'all literally don't know wtf i'm talking about#just trust that Howell was really cool#and those times were really fucked up#there is a small handful of followers who were around#and i don't know if they even fw me and related folks like that now lol#i haven't really talked about this much publicly so#there's that i suppose
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Sending out kudos to everyone who has shown their love towards Ryder for the past two years.
I love u all very much and every engagement, be it even just a like, means a lot to me.
I've intended to sorta make a cool post of some older vp of him as of today, September 17th, exactly 2 years ago I have created Ryder,— back then as a supposed supportive character for Vijay, very unsure if I would like him as Ry didn't visually turn out as I wanted him to be in the first place and he never went that way either afterwards — yet I find myself writing those lines instead.
I've accepted his look and his imperfection started to grow on me with each picture I took of him. Unlike my other ocs he went his own way leading me along to discover his personality. That's what makes him so different compared to my other blorbos and has me so attached to him.
I did not plan to make him a raver (he was supposed to become an 80s goth punk, a total different style than he's got now) neither that he would end up with a rogue AI controlling him. Only his name, basic info and the toxic family story was planned right from the beginning but that's pretty much it – Ryder showed me the rest of it.
Within the year 2023 I noticed more and more that Ryder has slowly but surly turned out to be my main character.
He turned out to be the most expressive and photogenic one of them all. I don't see him as the prettiest looking either yet he's my most precious and I love every pixel about him.
He's the one thing in my life I am actually truly 100% proud of.
Almost all my ocs exist because of him. They are his support characters. Without him half of them would not even exist. There would be no Thyjs. Even Garnet exists so Ry can live out his passion (that was not really put into the game but exists as lore: Technoise).
I am beyond happy to have created him.
He helps me in a lot of rather personal ways too I do not need to address here.
I got so much to tell about him (also about my other ocs) yet idk if I should continue or not as I find myself stuck with overthinking about it bc of lack of public response literally everywhere (this excludes private chat talks with close friends). Maybe Ryder's too intimidating (not the first time I would read that), his lore gets overlooked easily, or it's to much (confusing) text.
I cannot make anyone force-like him. Tastes are different. Minority is into others oc lore. Less time to read it all. The list is long. I'm aware of it all.
But I cannot underline it enough: do never hesitate to ask me questions about him. He's on my mind 24/7 and my biggest wish is to get this story out and done some day (whenever it will be) and receive some actual feedback on it what was liked.
Just a tiny detail is enough. <3
Another wish I have ever since I joined the CP77 fandom: that people would go back to comment each other more. We all do have little time for it, we all think "oh no so much text to read", we all are in our own bubbles rarley coming out to explore another bubble within this universe. It takes a lot of effort to do. people do seem scared on top to write anything at all for numerous reasons. I have all those problems as well. But I try to sit down and read the one or other lore chunk others wrote down and give a tiny comment as best as I can to make the creator have a smile on their lips. I truly wish we all would do this at least once a week to one person. once a month would be also fine. But if we don't this fandom will be dead soon enough and all thats left is just liking vp with characters on it we know almost nothing about. And maybe even those characters won't have lore anymore bc people stop creating it.
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i've just encountered my first ai fanfiction post. i mean i've seen ppl discussing it before i've just never seen a post coming from someone who is writing ai fanfiction (if u can even call it that).
fanfiction has always been such a big part of my life and idk it made me so sad and mad and for me fanfiction is all about love and passion for the characters and the story and the world the author has created. it's about wanting more of it and about wanting to emerge into that universe to really explore ur own creativity and love for writing and CREATING.
i mean isn't it what all of fanfiction really is? creating something u've put a piece of yourself of ur very soul into in hopes of improving or making ur favorite show/book/character last longer than it really does.
loving something SO MUCH u decide to CREATE more of it
idk it may not be that deep but for me it is and i'm devastated there's now 'character ai cooking a bkdk omegaverse'
#fanfic#ao3#ai fanfic#fanfiction#archive of our own#bkdk#bakudeku#txt#ai fanfiction#character.ai#anti ai
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ough... sorry for jumping in when you said you're still reading stuff, i hope this doesn't come off annoying or anything! but that thing the prev anon said about timkon is... a WILD take.
tim wasn't trying to "replace" kon, he was having a grief-induced mental health spiral and was doing anything and everything to get a chance of getting his best friend back. (the "resurrection of ra's al ghul" event goes over this too - tim and dick have a short fight that ends in tim crying in dick's arms because tim was tempted to use a lazarus pit to try and bring back his dad, steph brown, and/or kon.) it's an unhealthy coping mechanism he exhibits during a period of his life where he's experienced several catastrophic losses back to back, and he's coping poorly. moreover he literally apologized to kon for trying to clone him in adventure comics (2009) #3.
also saying that kon is created as a replacement for superman is true, but acting like he never has an established character outside of "replacement for superman" or that other characters treat him as just a replacement superman, is not. in world's finest three (tim and kon's first meeting) we literally see tim initially turn to kon for backup with metallo, a superman villain, and at first he's dismayed that kon doesn't have all of superman's abilities, but over the course of the two issues, he admires kon's use of his ttk and they establish a mutual respect with each other (they both save each other's lives at the end).
and generally, kon & clark have a very positive relationship in postcrisis comics (aka the continuity that the cloning stuff with tim happens in) - if you want to see more of it, i'd rec "adventures of superman" #506 and superboy (1994) #59 and #70. kon definitely has plenty of issues, but his identity and relationship to superman aren't really the ones in question. (although i'll admit there is the caveat that kon's [lack of] superman-related identity issues is kind of soft retconned in teen titans (2003), which is where the lex luthor retcon is introduced - fun fact, luthor has nothing to do with kon initially!)
this got long i'm SO sorry - it just gets my goat when people tell straight up lies about comics to people who are just getting into reading comics 😭😭 i hope i didn't come off aggressive bc thats def not my intention but i'm sorry if i did!! and i hope you enjoy your comic journey and have fun with it overall!!!
do NOT apologize! i really appreciate this!!
i have a couple more people on my inbox yelling things like "how dare you even entertain the thought of them together!!!" i wasnt expecting to see so much passion on this subject when i first talked about it but it seems like DC comics fans have very strong opinions about that pairing hahaa
as i said in my previous reply to that anon, i really need to do my own reading before i form an opinion on the ship but your reflections seem very fair and i really appreciate the comic recommendations! and honestly, the whole reason i was interested in timkon was that their relationship seemed very complicated, and therefore very angsty, which is what i live for. so i do really understand why some people like it and some hate the idea of it. from what i've seen so far.... i like it. but i can't really speak on whether or not it is compatible with the canon dynamic of the characters. does that make sense?
also like on another note. HOW do you guys give such specific references when talking about these things?? 😭 DC universe seems HUGE and i have no clue where to start and then i see people giving like the exact issue number of events and stuff and i'm like.....HOW?? and also like. teach me. guide me. i'm lost 😭 HQJSKFKCJDJ
#anyway thanks for the explaination!!#in all honesty i enjoy how chaotic DC fans are#like why are you so obsessed with hating on a pairing?? but also i admire your dedication so much 😭#and like. this debate will probably never end and that makes me giddy#lolll#on another note my asks are STILL always open for anyone. drop that essay i'm listening#asks#timkon#discussions#DC comics#dc
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☠ CHRONICLES OF A BRAINROT ☠
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After many years simming in my corner, I finally decided to step out of my comfort zone and share my pixel babies with the simblr/tumblr sphere!
I started playing sims with the first opus when I was pretty tiny, and couldn't stop ever since. This game allows my creativity and inner world to express like no other game would, and that's what I love so much about it.
I created many different worlds, kingdoms and stories, but the one I enjoy the most is my One Piece save I started a year ago. It is the first time I am really eager to leave CAS to actually play the game!
Back in 2015 I've been introduced to the manga/anime universe and I never went back! It truly was a revelation, and a revolution in my own stories. But when I discovered One Piece, all of a sudden I was hooked. This universe is so colorful and deep at the same time, it is the safe place I go whenever I feel down, and it never fails me. It may sound silly but I can't explain how warm it makes me feel. Especially Luffy's vibe and laugh, he's so precious.
So last year when I had to stop working because of bad health issues, my last two brain cells met and said to each other "hey, why not One Piece sims?", and that was it, I began this crazy journey of looking for the perfect OP custom content for my babies, then being very disappointed in that matter...and that is when, after weeks and weeks of research, I decided to create my own One Piece custom content, because why not?!
I never touched Blender (and a year later I still feel such a newbie with it) nor Photoshop before, but it didn't stop me to throw myself into it and man, despite all the crying seeing my creations unexpectedly float in game or be filled with terrifying signs in CAS and so on, I can say that I don't regret anything!
I can sing on stage, write songs or dance, but can I properly draw? Hell no! And I've been frustrated for so long since I wanted to do fanarts for my fandoms but I didn't have the skills to do so. Fortunately simming is now one of my places of expression, and I'm genuinely so excited about my lil creations & stories.
My wish is to grow a small community of One Piece fans and/or fellow simmers with whom I could share my passions and enjoy theirs. I know you guys are out there, and I love you already!
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➨ useful informations for navigation:
• Some of my posts may contain dark topics, blood and mature rp ships (18+)
• I'll do my best to limit spoilers but take note that there might me some here
• I am WCIF friendly but it might take a while for me to answer since I literally use thousands of cc. So please ask for 1 or 2 items at a time. I will happily share their names and creators
• I will not share any download links of my own OP custom content, because I often use other artist's meshes parts, then I mix them with my own etc ; so claiming these items as my own and share them to dl would break those artist's TOUs. Thank you for your comprehension
• That said, if I ever grow a significant sim community, I would eventually contact these artists one by one to ask their permissions to share my content with you! (with credits ofc)
• Aside from my sims I really enjoy editing some gifs and manga/anime panels by doing recolors etc, so you can expect to see a lot of them ♡ (and from time to time i also repost other people's artworks from other platforms with their prior permission)
• Don't be surprised if some of my sims seem really different from one screenshot to another, it is because I have different saves with different timelines (children, pre timeskip, post timeskip, Wano), plus various AUs like high school, dark fantasy world etc, and also a live action save! For example, by now I already have 9 different Sanji sims in several styles and stages of his life (my biggest number for a single character, but I can't help it...I just LOVE him)
• If there are any suggestions, requests, ships (personally into Zosan/Zolu/Lusan/Lawlu/Acesan/Shuggy/Mishanks/Frobin) and more that you would like to see, feel free to ask and I will enjoy making it happen for you!
• You can find me at @poppyxel which is the brand new simblr I created to share my passion for sims and gaming in general. No particular theme there but my chaotic inspiration expressing
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SO HERE WE ARE ☻
THANKS FOR READING...
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY ✿❁❀
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Bang Creator Interview: Tumblr: @vaamiel | AO3: vaamiel
The Collaboration period has begun! In these quiet months before works are due, we want to foster a sense of excitement, camaraderie, and celebration among our participants. To that end, all participants were given the option of a formal interview by our mod, Dema, or an informal “ask-game” survey. We hope you enjoy getting to know our phenomenal creators as much as we have!
Interview with Vaamiel
Vaamiel and Dema talk artistic development, childhood anime obsessions (-cough-Naruto-cough), and hoping to see Dorian in DA4
Dema: So, I know you take commissions, but have you done many exchanges before? Any Big Bangs?
Vaamiel: I've done a handful of exchanges over the years, but nothing really substantial. No big bangs either - though I've certainly read enough fics and seen enough art that others have done, haha. I'm sort of just... dipping my toes into the world of fanart for the first time since I was a teenager, so even though I've been drawing for ages, a lot of this is completely new territory for me.
Dema: Oh that is awesome! Welcome to the bang! What led you to return to fanart?
Vaamiel: I think a combination of a couple things: confidence in my own ability plays a big part of it – it's really intimidating to draw characters that I love so much and translating them into my style has always been difficult – but this past year is also the first time I've been really passionate about a game in... well, about a decade, and I think that's led to more experimentation and willingness to stick to learning subject matter that I otherwise struggle with. Mostly, Dragon Age coming back and Baldur's Gate 3 being out at the same time really pushed me back into the world of wanting to participate in fandom from more than the sidelines.
Dema: I really love your work. Artist to artist, how did you develop that confidence and style expression? What has that journey looked like for you?
Vaamiel: Thank you so much! It's funny actually, because the way I draw now has kind of... always been my style? It's just my technique and understanding of fundamentals that has improved. I can look back through my childhood sketchbooks and go, this was for SURE made by the same person, haha. As a kid I was all about anime and comics and games – particularly early gamecube and xbox stuff that relied on very stylized graphics to compensate for the technology. All of those things really saturated my brain and effectively became super tied to my own understanding of art and artistry and how I wanted to make art.
I've tried to emulate other styles or artists' techniques over the years, but (and I think this ties back to why I struggle with fanart) my own voice is so strong in my work that it really took all the joy out of creating. I've learnt over time that my personal art evolution is all about small changes and improvements, rather than trying to force ideas or ability through radical stylistic changes. Basically, I draw what I like and add things here or there as I come across something that I think would fit organically into my own style. That's been things like brushes or expressions or even the way I structure my sketches - all things that are small but can make a big difference in the overall picture. Add to that how my confidence has improved as my actual ability has improved, I think I've really organically grown into being better able to wrangle my style and apply that to fanart, original art, et cetera.
Dema: So now I do have to ask what fanart you were making as a kid and high-schooler? (I was a Sailor Moon kid. Sailor Scouts for ALL the most obscure celestial bodies one can imagine 😂)
Vaamiel: Hah! oh no 😂I was CRAZY about Naruto as a kid - actually, the first fanfiction I ever read was Naruto fanfiction. Then after that it was Homestuck, Inuyasha, Steven Universe, Pokemon, Dragon Age/Mass Effect... not necessarily in that order! I wish I was a Sailor Moon kid to be honest – would be WAY cooler than admitting I was a Naruto kid!
Dema: Inuyasha!!!!
Vaamiel: YES!
Dema: To be fair I am older than you by a pretty big margin LOL, I probably would have been a Naruto kid as well.
Vaamiel: LOL fair enough! It was in just the right time slot on cable when I was about...9 that the 4kids dub formed the foundation of my entire personality from that point onward.
Dema: So cute! Was there a particular moment that got you into Dragon Age fanwork?
Vaamiel: So, for my own work, I think it was the trailer last Dragon Age day and then in… January of this year or so, replaying Origins that had the cup finally spill over and I sat down and started making fanart. It was like my love for the series hit critical mass and with Veilguard coming up, it felt like the perfect time to actually try to make it work, you know? When it comes to appreciating Dragon Age fanart as a fan, it was two creators from tumblr that did it. Crystalvfae did a series of fanart that fundamentally altered my brain chemistry (I still look back on their painting of Morrigan and sigh sometimes - it is SO good). Then I found Spicyshimmy and was never the same. Their Anders/Hawke work is so special and got me into reading fanfiction voraciously in general. It totally reignited my love for reading and was the thing that got me into AO3!
Dema: Is there any specific bit of Veilguard that has you most excited? Or are you mostly avoiding spoilers?
Vaamiel: I am SO all in on all the Veilguard content honestly. I love trying to pick little bits out of the trailers and stills we've gotten so far and make connections to the lore/put together potential plot theories. I think I'm so excited for all of it? Like, I'm just ready to get back into the world of Thedas itself and experience a cool new story. Of course, I do love the graphical upgrade and all the locations we've seen so far and the costuming!! It's really all been exactly what I've been wanting. Also seeing Dorian again. That's probably pretty up there too.
Dema: Yes! Man. I cannot believe how cool Minrathous is. Dorian tried to tell us, but I am still flabbergasted.
Vaamiel: He was right!! All along!!! We really were in a different century.
Dema: As far as the current collaboration process goes, how are you feeling? Are the ideas percolating? Are the sketches sketching?
Vaamiel: Yes! I feel amazing about the partnership I've got!! I've got some scenes that I've got some sketches going for already – as soon as I read my fic I could see exactly where I wanted to take the art. The atmosphere is so good and the writing lends itself perfectly to the kind of pieces that I love to make. I'm really, really excited to be creating for this fic and collaboration!
Dema: I am delighted to hear that, we cannot wait to see what everyone creates!
Vaamiel: That was Very Difficult to be appropriately vague for haha - it really is an absolute delight to be working with my partners and I can't wait to talk about this fic and the art I'm making for it.
Dema: It is soooo hard to ask questions that are not POINTED hahahahaha, as someone on the inside who knows everyone's matches. You get an A+
Vaamiel: Yay!!!! I’m glad I was able to keep things appropriately mysterious 😌
Dema: Thank you so much for taking the time to chat with me today, it has been super fun!
Vaamiel: Absolutely! Thank you so much for hosting this interview and all the work you've put in for this event!! This has been a blast!
#fandom big bang#dragon age#dragon age fanfic#2024 interviews#Artist interviews#da4 spoilers#da4 speculation
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Well, you guys asked for it! Reviews for the 2 books I've DNF'ed in the first week on January!
I really went hard into books this week. I wanted to read anything and everything I could get my hands on. Even if it's not what I'd normally choose. I was feeling optimistic, refreshed from the New Year buzz!...Unfortunately, I was very quickly reminded that not every book is a 5 star.
Bunny - Mona Awad
I was at the book store the other day and noticed a single copy of Bunny. I'd heard good things and really wanted to give it a go. Cause you know, feeling ambitious, try the book you'd not usually go for. Let's do it! My friend @jaebaeuwu warned me ahead of time she has a GREAT PASSION OF HATE against this book, and absolutely does not like it. Surely it wasn't that bad, everyone liked this book right? Everyone raved about it right??...
Well...it definitely wasn't for me. From the first line actually, I could just tell that it wasn't gonna be a hit. The writing was extremely scattered. And at first I thought it was a me problem, I'd been sick recently and thought it was maybe brain fog. It was difficult to follow along. The main character, Samantha, is a student at University studying Fine Arts, mainly writing. Which is ironic since the writting is....pretty terrible. Incredibly hard to follow and process. I constantly had to reread the passage. Mainly because it would constantly jump around. For example, Samantha would be in the moment, then the very next line would be talking about a memory, then back to the present. Then it would go off to a separate conversation, then again with not much indication, back to the present. Then off on a thought she as having, then again quickly back to the present. Extremely scattered. And the descriptions were just very odd. I honestly find the writing hard to describe.
The story....is kinda not really there. In the first 21% barely anything had happened. I normally stick around till around 100 pages of a book to properly know if its for me. But due to the writing, I'd had more then enough time to know that I just did not care about Samantha, I did not care about her best friend (thought she was pretty distasteful and unlikable honestly. Gave me icky vibes.) Why did they hate the "Bunny's" so much? Why did this group of girls being girly, and overly feminine, irk the MC and her friend so much? It just felt like so much hate for not even a valid reason. Nothing was explained except "Ew these girls are so girly! They love hugging each other! So gross and cringey." Like...seriously what's the point?
DNF - 12% (Page 39)
The Predator - Runyx
Tristan Caine. Tristan Caine. Tristan Caine. Get used to reading this name, exactly like this, cause this book mentions his full name, and only his full name, over 220+ times in this book. Also you better get used to him staring, hungrily staring, icy eyes staring, also did you know he has blue eyes?? I certainly couldn't forget since its mentioned ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! Didn't even give me a chance to forget what colour his eyes were. This is just a me thing, but he barely talks. At least from the parts I read. And I'm not a huge fan of that in romance stories (when they have the ability to talk and not a disability ofc.)
The story follows Morana, and her family that is involved with the Mafia. Her father is a mob boss and she has been trained since a young age to survive in the mafia world. Morana goes on to create this computer code that is supposedly very dangerous in the wrong hands, and will be detrimental to both her fathers business, and the rival mafia group, named Tenebrae Outfit, that Tristan Caine is apart of. But, what does this code do? Why is it so dangerous in the wrong hands? WHO FUCKING KNOWS!! It was never explained. And I kept waiting for it to be explained, what does it do? When are we gonna find out?? It was frustrating me. So I googled...only to find IT'S NEVER EXPLAINED!!! I'm sorry, as someone with basic code knowledge, this is just bull. Just because you can write some code, doesn't mean it's dangerous, doesn't mean that you're a hacker, and it doesn't mean you are inherently smart! The code could be just html text formatting for all we know. CAUSE ITS NEVER EXPLAINED LIKE WTF LAIDSYFBLAEIUYBF!!!
Morana, by the way, is one of the dumbest characters I've ever read about. Even though in the authors note it says she has an "Extremely high IQ". I'm sorry...if that is the case, why did she sneak into Tristan Caine's residence, during a party with very dangerous mob members, completely unprepared, alone, and with no back up plan? Why did she think she could just rock up and demand what she wanted?? She had been doing a lot of research on Tristan, if that is the case, why didn't she take into consideration that this man is a fucking tank?? Why did she think she could actually take this man on? And with just a knife? Please. Dumb as balls. Also apparently her favourite words to describe herself is "dumb". "This was a dumb thing to do", "that was dumb", etc, like hunny...we know! We see that!! I also feel like the author doesn't have a deeper understanding of computers. Because when Morana uses her computer, that supposedly make her look ever so smart, it's just brushed over. Nothing is ever explained, described or anything. Its written like 'Morana does this and that isn't she a genius.' No...no she's not.
ALSO!!!! What the actual fuck is this quote from Tristan: "We've been honest so far, Ms. Vitalio," he murmured. "I’Il be honest now. I despise you but I want you. Fuck it, I do. And I want you out of my system.” ...He says this the first time they have sex...in a bathroom stall...WITH HER FATHER THERE!!! ON PAGE 149!!! Is that supposed to turn me on? Is that supposed to make me feel good?? Cause honestly, that line is fucking gross. I understand this is an enemies to lovers but what the fuck??
As you can see, this book made me incredibly mad the more I read, and the more I thought about it. How is this series so popular? How is this series so hyped?? I genuinely don't understand. If I had a physical copy of this book I'd have returned it for sure. Thankfully, it was just a KU book so back to amazon it went.
DNF - 21%
#book girly#books#bookish#bookblr#txt original#aussie#book obsessed#reading#booktok#book#book review#bunny#bunny mona awad#mona awad#the predator#runyx#the predator runyx#dnf#dnf book#dnfed#dnf books#ew
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I'm gonna say something really important here that was inspired by one specific event but applies to several others I've seen over the last few years. This is not vagueblogging to call someone out, this is a pattern I've seen a few times now that I'm genuinely concerned about.
If a series, whether books or television or films or video games, is so all-consuming in your life that a new installment going in a different direction from what you want is enough to make you have an emotional breakdown, you need to unplug from that series. If you sincerely refer to characters in this series as "[your] people" or "the love of [your] life" or "[your] family," not as a figure of speech but as something so genuine that having them handled in ways contrary to your preference makes you feel like your way of life is under attack, you need to distance yourself from those characters.
I'm saying this as someone who literally can't get into fandom debates anymore because I get so wrapped up that my heart rate spikes to the point of danger to my person. Because of a specific experience with a specific person (related to events outside fandom, but triggers are triggers) I have a very real trauma response to these discussions, and I can't engage with them anymore. I'm not saying this as "it's just a show calm down" or "why do you care so much about a video game" or as any kind of insult or passive aggression; I'm saying this as someone who understands firsthand that feelings get caught in specific places, and sometimes we just can't seem to pull them loose.
If you feel like this over a work of fiction, you need to get help, because there is something wrong. Something in your head and your heart has gotten caught on this work of fiction, and you need to pull it loose for your own wellbeing, but when it's gone that far it's all but impossible to do on your own.
I need to be very clear that I'm not talking about special interests or hyperfixations. I'm not talking about people who throw their lives into loving a specific thing, learning everything about that thing, expressing their interest in that thing, and so on. There's a line between passion and obsession, and a difference between what appears to be an obsession but is harmless and what appears to be passion but is an unhealthy level of obsession.
It's easy for those of us on the outside to write this kind of behavior off as just more entitled fans being entitled, but there's a point where what looks like entitlement exposes itself as something very different, something much more dangerous. If you're feeling this way—you need distance and assistance. If you're seeing friends behave this way—they need help, not rallying cries to "speak [their] truth."
I cannot express this strongly enough. No fictional character, no fictional story, no fandom is worth your health. Not one. Period. You are a real human being who deserves to be alive and safe and happy. The creators of a work of fiction are not attacking you or belittling your efforts by continuing to create within the boundaries of the fictional universe they created.
To put it as simply as I can:
If a work of fiction that you did not create existing in a state that you can't control is seriously damaging your mental and emotional wellbeing, you need to step away.
#no clue how to tag this#fandom vent#maybe#kinda#not really#PSA#you can reblog this#I expect to get some shit for it#but it's super important#especially right now#particularly for my main fandom#where things are#uh#getting kinda weird#with some people#I am genuinely concerned#and folks are just like#'yaaas queen speak out!!'#THIS IS NOT HEALTHY#NONE OF THIS IS HEALTHY#PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE
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Hey. Yknow fusions?
This idea can be taken in multiple ways, but there's 2 most popular ways.
Characters go in sync and fuse, becoming a mesh of both, and usually break apart upon major internal disagreements. Steven Universe style.
Or characters are forced together in a body that is basically hc one person and half another.
But either way I'm curious as to what would occur in your iteration for either situation.
i have a character who's a forced fusion and he has. so many emotional issues about it. like he loves the people he's made of but they kind of hate each other, my mans is Mentally Ill <3
ALSO I think I've said this about a million times but YOU SHOULD JUST KNOW THAT I'm so fucking obsessed with body sharing and fusions (consensual or forced) and the idea of HAVING to share a life with someone. It's one of my favorite concepts to explore.
SO WITH THAT SAID!!! apologies it took so long to answer this, I just wanted to give it the time it deserved <<33
Donnie + Leo: most confused motherfucker ever. hates himself, loves himself, furiously frustrated with their state of being. he wants to be taken care of and NEEDS to be adored. everything she makes is brilliant one moment and terrible the next. he is NOT having a good time and she will make it EVERYONE'S problem. (he/they/she)
Donnie + Raph: What if Raph was more irritable and suicidal? what if debilitating guilt kept him going even FURTHER past his boundaries?? this motherfucker can hold so much guilt. hobbies include sleeping and neurotically upgrading the home security system. has a sort of surveillance state situation going on in the lair and will deny it whenever asked. (faggot gender)
Donnie + Mikey: A sweet, excitable, sensitive, artistic boy :) strong morals and a penchant for making friends. very passionate about mixing art and science (they're better together!!) likely the most functional of all the fusions. still hella mentally ill, but in a sort of "I'm going to go quietly insane in my room and secretly fear everyone thinks im awful" kind of way. (he/they)
Mikey + Leo: Most confident motherfucker ever. always righteously angry about something. no impulse control, too violent for her own good. gets herself hurt a lot. Will attack at the slightest sign of provocation. (any pronouns)
Mikey + Raph: overprotective bundle of energy. somehow always hyper and tired at the same time. really into home decor & repair (mixes artistic desire to create and express oneself, with the pragmatism of fixing up the home). probably loves food more than anyone in the world. (any pronouns)
Raph + Leo: Biggest Big Brother Ever. 100% annoying, 100% loving. Will lie to her little brothers for fun (that bug is poisonous. yeah, and if you touch it you'll die in three days. Oh, you already touched it?? :( better write your will!) he carries the world on his shoulders and cracks jokes about it. (he/she)
anyway here's doodles of my favorite fusion ideas.
#nnstuff#ask#teenage mutant neglected turtles#tmnt leo#tmnt raph#tmnt donnie#tmnt mikey#bodysharing#tmnt fusions
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Hey, can I see what your other Kirby ships look like?
Hahaha I'm going to be totally real, there really aren't a lot of other Kirby ships I actively think about other than metadede-!! -u-'
I don't know what it is, but that particular ship just happened to scratch an itch in my brain I didn't know I had lol. And I only really started shipping it around a year and a half ago! A King and a knight who have worked together through the ages and both have really interesting and different personalities and likes and dislikes... I have a lot of fun with them! I never thought I'd ever gain the confidence to regularly produce and share ship content on any platform. So I was happily surprised and grateful to find a little corner on the internet here to share my thoughts on them with willing readers haha.
Other than that.... I don't have a strict list of ships I stick to! I feel like I keep saying this kind of thing, but in most cases I get more enjoyment seeing other people's interpretations of ships more than producing them myself! The Kirby universe is rich with characters and a wonderful space to explore character interactions and relationships with each other (platonic or romantic or otherwise!)
I mean, I know everyone interprets Kirby character ages differently which is also cool and all! I just have my own set of established headcanons that I've been slowly cultivating since I got introduced to the series 15 or so years ago.
I personally see characters like Kirby, Bandee, the other Waddle Dees, Ribbon, Adeleine, Gooey, Prince Fluff, Elfilin, etc. as children. They're powerful and brave and very unique from each other, but still kids in my eyes.
And then there's the characters like Dedede, Meta Knight, Queen Ripple, Daroach, Hyness, etc. that are characterized definitively as adults. And other characters like Magolor, Taranza, Susie, the Mage Sisters, etc. that might be interpreted differently by different people, at least from what I have personally seen! (But I see them as adults, personally)
Again this is all my personal opinion haha. I quietly stay away from ships that mix characters from my personal child and adult categories above- (which are not exhaustive lists because this post would be ten million words if I tried to list every single Kirby character, and are my personal characterizations and not me trying to impose my views as the one, canon interpretation!).
OC x Canon is also enjoyable in my book as long as the ages and dynamics are appropriate and consensual for both parties :)
And I don't need or want to make a list of everything I stay away from or anything. I don't feel that strongly about it. I guess my biggest personal example is that if someone ships Metakirby or Dedekirby (or their respective mirror versions), I'm not going to enjoy or support that no matter what their creator's justifications/reasonings for shipping those are. I'm just going to stay away from that ardently.
Anyway, I'm not trying to be controversial or say my opinion is fact either! These are just my personal thoughts and feelings and I curate my internet experience accordingly. My interests change all the time, I just enjoy seeing character interactions and stories written with love and passion!
....If I had to pick another ship that I like thinking about, I guess I'd pick Magoranza. It's fun to think about how they'd interact with each other, and sometimes I like to think of Magolor and Taranza as Garak and Bashir from Star Trek hehehe.
TL;DR: At the time of writing this post I only like creating metadede content for Kirby ships but I quietly enjoy a variety of other people's ships.
#I'm a little nervous to express these opinions tbh#shipping is a really controversial thing sometimes#I just figured I'd answer this since I do produce ship related content#but my opinion doesn't have to matter to you if you don't want it to!!#I'm just leaving this here and moving on#ask#metadede related content#magoranza related content#ships
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I've had the delightful pleasure of finding out about Through the Deep, Dark Valley, and by golly, I loved every precious second I spent reading it! By the time I finished going through all of the available chapters, I was all too eager to blaze up your wonderful work and point out all the cool details I noticed while reading, and considering the immaculate attention to detail this story has, you can imagine I had quite a lot to say about each chapter. However, I also didn't want to send an ask chock-full of spoilers and deprive a potential reader of the ability to go into this story blind, so I wanted to send it as a DM so I could gush about all the cool little details and conversations I enjoyed without running the risk of actually spoiling someone. Just one problem, for some fuckin' reason, whenever I want to send a long-winded DM, it never actually works. I am convinced there's like a secret character limit they're not telling us about or something of the sort, because long messages like these always fail to send no matter what I do. Never once have I successfully sent a long message through DMs. Real messed up, and since I'll likely be waiting a week for my AO3 account, I can't really talk about all those specifics I wrote about in the comments section of each respective chapter either. It sods me off, but luckily a lot of the things I want to gush about have been pointed out in said comments sections. Not all of 'em, but a lot of 'em, which I love! I love it when artists get praised sufficiently for their work, and I derive great pleasure from praising their works, too! Writing good stories takes so much time and experience! Like, I've tried writing stories! It's extremely difficult to do! You've got some serious talent, and you use that talent to create this wonderful, absolutely immaculate story. That deserves praise! I genuinely hope you're having just as much fun writing this story as I have reading it, and I'm stoked to read the next chapters whenever they come out! However, just because I can't get into the nitty-gritty of the story and point out all the beautiful details I noticed, I can still talk about everything surrounding it. I'll just save the rest for when I finally have a bloody AO3 account.
(I wish I could split this first paragraph in two, but I can't find a natural way to do so. I'm sure that's not a bad omen of what's to come. No sireee…)
Anyways, I wanted to start by talking about what drew me into this story the most. When I first saw it, I was almost immediately aboard. Admittedly, I was a bit apprehensive, but aboard nonetheless. After seeing that 'What If' comic where Laios imagines what would happen if he were the one who got mauled by the big red bad, the gears in my mind started turning. I had so many ideas for how that could play out, it absolutely drove me up the bloody wall! So many cool ideas! But the thing is, everyone has cool ideas. What matters is someone's ability to make those ideas a reality. The fact you're writing this story, making this alternate universe a reality, is something to be commended in and of itself, but obviously it is your ability to do so in such an immaculate way that truly sets you apart. From your writing to the characterization, it is clear to me that you know your stuff, and you know it well. It took a while for Falin to truly grow on me as a character while I was reading the manga, because I was pulling a lot of blanks on who she was as a character. I just knew there was more to her… There was something under that mask, behind that wall she puts up around others, but I just couldn't put my finger on it! She truly deserves the title of 'Miss Enigma'. It wasn't until after I reached out to a remarkably passionate and smart person that I felt I finally understood her a little more, and it really helped complete my image of her in my mind, so when I saw this story a few days later, I was a little apprehensive. There are a lot of interpretations of Dungeon Meshi's characters - especially Falin - but not all of them are equally interesting to me. For this story to work, Falin, as a character, had to work as well. Her characterization in this story was crucial to me, so I hope you understand that I was holding my breath when I started reading. When I found this story, it was like a dream come true; but was I in for the time of my life, or a rude awakening? Well, I'm writing this elaborate cry for help disguised as a message, so obviously it's like a dream come true. This character, this… 'Mystery'… You wrote her perfectly. I cannot think of a single interpretation that could possibly fit this story better. The way you wrote her thoughts, actions and dialogue are all absolutely perfect. I'm quite certain over half of the notes I took were specifically dedicated to the things Falin thinks and says. I relate to her on a very deep level I wasn't expecting, but even if I didn't, I am convinced I would absolutely love this regardless.
I genuinely wish I could dedicate this message to highlighting all of the specific moments in the story I love oh so much, but that'll have to wait until I can post it in a place where I don't risk spoiling someone. I think my favorite part of Falin that I CAN point out however, is that from the outsider's perspective, she's a total mystery. Her inner workings are alien to us. For crying out loud, until recently I didn't even know what to write for her character synopsis! But what makes this story work, is that while Falin may be a mystery to everyone around her, to Falin EVERYONE but her is a mystery! I am enthralled by the way she's constantly experiencing difficulties reading expressions, or second-guessing almost everything she says like she's playing a game of minesweeper! It's like every interaction is akin to a negotiation straight from the depths of the most unforgiving Shin Megami Tensei games, and I adore it! Not just because I relate to it so heavily, but also because it's just such a fascinating way to write her character. This teeny tiny element of her character opens the floodgates to so many interesting and insightful thoughts, conversations and other such things, and so far you've done your damnedest to make absolutely sure every single opportunity for interesting and meaningful moments is seized! That, good sir, takes a level of mastery I myself could never hope to replicate. But what makes Falin work even more for this story, is all the ways in which she handles things differently than Laios. Laios is such a social person despite his lacking people skills, and he can pick up on a lot of interesting cues that others simply don't notice. It's his unique insights and remarkable intelligence that pull the party through its darkest hour, and despite being an outwardly goofy person, has saved their bacon many times over by just being himself. At so many points does Falin lament the absence of Laios, thinking about all the things he would've done were he here right now, all the while constantly worrying about how to even revive him when they get to their destination. It's such an interesting way to mirror all the times Laios thought back to how amazing Falin was, and how she would've probably handled the situation far better all the while worrying for her safety and feeling as though he failed her. They're both so similar, yet so different, and they make up for each other's weaknesses. Another thing that I noticed is that Marcille's presence is far more overbearing here. She's still the same person as she was in the canon story - which further goes to show just how good your understanding of Dungeon Meshi and its characters is - but without Laios' equally loud presence, it feels as though Marcille's personality and overall presence just… Take up more space, for lack of a better word. It's certainly not helped by Falin's comparatively meager presence due to the way she handles social interactions. Speaking of character dynamics, I also greatly enjoy the way Falin bounces off of Senshi. It's something I was really looking forward to, especially with how he interacted with Laios. I was really, really curious to see how he'd interact with Falin, and I'm glad we get to see that here in such a magnificent way! Also, I genuinely think you wrote Toshiro perfectly. I'm not really aware of (the? Is it 'the' public opinion, or just 'public opinion'?) public opinion on Toshiro, but I generally tend to see folks describe him as the character of all time. Seeing that one post-ending story where Falin and Toshiro have a heartfelt conversation really made me wonder what would happen if the two were actually trekking through the dungeon, and et voila! The man, the myth and the bloody LEGEND delivered! You characterized Toshiro exceptionally well, good sir! I cannot stress how much I admire that!
Now, while some chapters of the manga are understandably (and thankfully) skipped over due to likely playing out the same way, there are some tidbits here and there that indicate some things did end up going differently in these skipped chapter, showing how Falin handles certain situations, which is a really cool touch. Getting what is essentially a mini recap with what's transpired between one chapter and the next is really insightful and a really clever way to bridge the gap. One last thing I'd like to mention, is that I genuinely do hope the jumps between chapters don't get too big. I understand not every chapter is going to play out as differently, making it a very good thing to gloss over, but I do also genuinely anticipate seeing Falin's reactions to certain situations or revelations, but I think that's a moot point. (Plus, it's secretly just because I want more to read. Your writing is SO friggin' swag! The more, the better in my eyes.) You've clearly shown you're highly capable of writing an excellent story, so I'm not worried at all. In fact, I have faith you'll be posting hit after hit, and I can't wait. Good luck with writing up that buffer! Personally, I hope there's a great wealth of chapters left for you to write, because I could quite literally sit down for days on end reading this without pause. You've done expertly so far, and I lament I cannot point out all of the specific interactions and other such things I loved in this comment, but that just means I get to save it for another comment whenever I finally get my grubby hands on an AO3 account.
With that though, have an absolutely wonderful day, king! Yes, it's a bit abrupt. What about it? It's difficult to wri--fucking evaporates
it's the fact that i literally saw your other asks you've left for other writers and immediately heard the jaws theme playing. i literally went ohhhhhh. oh i am so cooked. and... yeah man i am so fucking cooked. this write up was so amazingly heartfelt and kind, and i really do appreciate everything you've written for me.
if it makes you feel any better, i can say with certainty that the only other chapters that are really being skipped are the spirits/treasure bugs chapters (if only because they're being summarized quickly to get on with the plot in the part that i wrote), and even then they'll probably be mentioned in the future. this outline... man, this outline is THICK. we're talking 20+ pages of notes (even if those notes do include my summaries, my start and end notes, etc.).
there are also a few pieces that may be skipped as we go through certain beats of the story but will be revisited (specifically a certain chapter involving a younger version of some of these characters).
the biggest challenge in writing TtDDV has truly been figuring out who Falin is as a character (and also all of the research i've had to do because Kui has truly thought of... well, a lot. there's a lot going on. it does help because it answers a lot of questions).
a lot of people seem to agree with you on my characterization of Toshiro, which is really nice! he really is the Most Character of All Time, and i thought that it would make sense to make him... well, A Bit More Character. make this guy fun, if you will. a little silly, even. but yeah, it means a lot to know that people like the way i write him! one of my betas literally said "i didn't care about this guy until after reading this" which, as you can imagine, made me feel pretty good about my writing.
i have a lot of thoughts on Marcille. i love that girl so much, and she indeed is the loudest motherfucker in the room now that Laios isn't here. i've been trying my best to not make her... well, annoying, so i've been trying to kind of herd her around much like a cattle dog, picking little pieces of her dialogue to include from the manga while also developing... well, the elephant in the room. the elephant in the room being the yearning and semi-slow burn.
ANYWAYS, i'm rambling a lot, and i've got so many thoughts, but i need to shut my trap before i start laying out EVERYTHING that's going to happen in this series. i'm glad you enjoyed, and i'm so excited to see what you end up commenting!
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Dude, I just wanna say I am SOOOOO excited for your video essay on the Witcher. I have been waiting for a good essay covering more than the games and Netflix series for months now, as I like to listen to longer videos as I work during the mornings and I just know this is going to be so good. I've always loved reading your posts and analysis on the characters and arcs that books encompass, so I just wanted to share that I'm incredibly hyped for this, and I know you did an absolutely wonderful job piecing everything together and creating it :) I hope it gets the millions of views it DESERVES!!
i don't know where to begin, all i can say is thank you!! this ask totally made my night!
thank you not only for the encouragement, acknowledgement, validation... but for being. for being there, being excited, interested in the same topics. i'm just so happy i get to share this with people, that we get to share this—the fandom, the whole story, not just the video—together.
i'm really just so excited to share it and i hope everyone likes it or gets something useful out of it (and if it's not your vibe that's ok too!! everyone is invited!) like, i'm excited that you're excited... lol!
i really wanted to make something "quality" for people and for the channel, both in writing and in design. so there's a degree of storytelling that went into it, and i tried to make it visually engaging and structure it so that it's not just a spew of information, but like a little journey for everyone to come along with me on. most of the research was new for me too, so it's like we get to figure it out together.
below the cut is this kind of "diary entry": a long, contemplative, stream-of-consciousness response, haha...
(you don't have to read this, especially because i got a little emotional in it, i just thought i'd take the time to respond to authenticity with authenticity and get some things off of my mind... in reflection of the video, but also just about my personal life lol.)
i initially felt worried that people wouldn't get what i'm doing and would misinterpret my arguments, but despite these urges to explain myself a thousand times, i ultimately let my writing speak for me, and shut down the need to apologize and cover up what is decent work with a littering of disclaimers. i realized i actually can't stand it myself when youtubers go through the whole rigmarole of "sorry i haven't posted," "sorry it's not perfect," "sorry my pronunciation is bad," "sorry i'm not an expert" before they get to the actual video or what they want to say... i'm all: "lol, no worries. i wasn't expecting perfection, i'm just here to watch what you made." and i feel like most people have a similar reaction.
i know the concept of "fandom" has often a poor reputation online as a toxic space filled with drama, witch hunts, offensive behavior, self-absorbed conduct... and of course, there is some truth to that... but, there's also the good side of "fandom," which often goes ignored in narratives about it. i think "fandom" is just a niche kind of "community," and communities are simply groups of people (human beings, which have primal troupe-like natures, both build each other up and tear each other down, faction-like, warring, but also protective, loving fiercefully)...
it was different fandoms back then, of course, a little over ten years ago, but when i first got into "fandom" stuff online as a pre-teen, it was just night and day as opposed to my socializing in real life.
in discovering niche interests, passions, and yes, of course fictional universes that draw you in... i've always had only so few people to share that with in real life—when it comes to popular medias, of course, these medias were things that everybody in my school class was into, my friends had gotten me into it—but as i grew a little older and went on my own explorative journeys, i became most passionate about things that no one around me knew of or cared about, and suddenly, it was really lonely.
it had been a bit lonely before that, i always liked the media a little "too much," to the point of my friends asking me if we can stop playing pretend on the schoolyard and go watch the boys play four-square instead :'D or if we could please talk about anything else other than [media]. these are just childhood stumbles, which i imagine everyone has... but i mean, in this younger childhood, at least we could talk about media stuff sometimes, and i wasn't shunned too badly for it. but interests shifted and i got into things that only interested me, then i became truly alone on the recess yard.
when i first got into "fandom" online: groups of fans of [shared interest], who want to learn more about/talk and listen to others about/share and see more of [shared interest], and that entire world fit on my little iphone as i sat by the fence during lunch period, okay, i'm being so melodramatic here, but it was like a "welcome home." it was like discovering an entire little fairy world in the hollow of a tree. you mean to tell me, this place has existed, all this time? people who have the same interest, who want to talk about it, who are even—ha ha, just imagine—interested in what i have to say about it? those people exist, and they also have their own things to say, which i can listen and respond to? an actual faerieland. magic.
alright, i'll chill out. it's just social media, it's just social exchanges. but social exchanges are powerful, as human beings, we're evolutionarily driven to crave them. social media so often gets seen as fleeting exchanges, shallow engagement, but i—and probably a lot of tumblr's demographic—don't most often speak in staccato sentences online, but rather paragraphs, essays, hell, documents. we try to talk to each other kind of like we would in real life, we collaborate in building canons, worlds, have real discussions about media and society and... life. i don't know if anyone's studied this kind of experience as much as the generic "social media rots your brain" narrative, but it's been mine.
when i talk about [media interest], of course here and now it's specifically the witcher, i'm doing it because i'm part of this community, this whole forum, agora... i want to talk, but i moreover want to be listened to, to share, to be in conversation, not just be alone with my thoughts and interests.
it kind of boggles my mind, because i spent so long (ever since those aforementioned playground days) feeling like talking about anything fandom-related was excruciating for the people around me: that absolutely no one is interested in this but yourself, so get used to it.
so now, the fact that, sometimes when i post something, write something, draw something, make a video, or just say anything about this interest, that other people see that and it resonates with them, they enjoy it, it moves them, they're not annoyed, but also inquisitive, eager to talk about this thing, to share, too... like yourself, so kind to send me a message like "i'm interested in, excited for what you have to say," that's fucking crazy to me, it makes me so grateful, and also puts me in almost a state of disbelief! not just that i'm flattered, but that we share the same interest, have similar questions and desire for discussion about it, and live in a time where we can talk about this together over an instant, online communication... that no one has to suffer alone with their interests, no one has to feel isolated and weird and not know what to make of themselves.
despite fandom being seen as mean and shallow, (... similar to fantasy, come to think of it—interesting parallel with the actual subject of the video!) it's also a group of dynamic communities, that are sharing and criticizing and... just, communicating. the ability to communicate, the culture of communication is so important.
working on this project, somewhat fittingly, made me realize that the world is very gray, and nothing is even wholly good or wholly evil. this, of course, mostly applies to the politics and history and the story of the witcher which i'll be talking about in the video;
but what i realized is that this lesson also applies to mundane things, common anxieties i have. for example, that social media is not just bad or good, it's a tool with certain outcomes depending on how you use it. that people probably won't totally ignore you and shun everything you have to say, but they also won't listen to your every word. that success in life isn't impossible, but it's also probably not going to turn out as it is in your wildest dreams.
we're (~gen Z including zillennials and young millennials) surrounded with so much doomerist culture related to our prospects in life, especially as relates to contemporary media culture and life success, but it's not hopeless. you can always be an outlier of the broader trend. sometimes, you have to choose to be an outlier of the trend.
this is something i begin to talk about towards the end of the video. bagiński and hissrich basically see the trend and go: "looks like their attention spans are fucked, better speed up the process" instead of allowing themselves to be different, instead of embracing what makes them ("fantasy") special, trying so hard to conform... and hurting themselves from it. and looking at that, i just realized, i really don't want to follow that example and do something similar to myself.
i have to be bold enough to put my authentic self out there, even if it's "too complex to be understood", if it doesn't appeal to everyone, even if it turns some people away. it doesn't matter, because i only have one "me" to share, i can't force myself to be something i'm not. what i can do is seek out the people who i think will understand, who will be interested in that complexity. of course, this is something anyone whose advice is worth a grain of salt will tell you, has told me—but maybe i only understood it best when a witcher metaphor was applied :p
i'm in my 20s, and it's been so strange for me after i graduated college (undergrad), since what's now been two years ago. i spent my entire life in school, and suddenly no more school :( so i'm trying to regrow, or maybe grow in a different direction, that part of me that i lost when i had to graduate and get out... i'm struggling with feelings of failure every day, that i haven't met anyone's expectations for me since graduation, there has been so many feelings of worthlessness and confusion, i've so lost without school: a neat structured framework where everything gets measured and you get nice summaries of how you're doing in life.
it's horrified me upon discovering that, in life, no one measures how you're doing! you just live, and no one says "you're doing alright here, but here you could use some improvement." no one gives you direction, you have to plot your own map of unexplored territory. and suddenly, i don't know who i am anymore, where i'm going, why i do anything, what my purpose or use is. and, because i'm not in a class where there's a grade average, i also have no idea how everyone else is doing, only a vague feeling that i'm far behind. so it's really been confusing, demotivating...
as this video essay project dragged on, for about double the time i thought it was going to take, this sense of guilt and shame started to overtake me. throughout the project, i had this nagging paternalistic chiding in my head that i should be chasing success, career, relationships, life... but instead i'm wasting my time on the witcher, writing something no one cares about and people won't acknowledge me for. throwing away my time on something that doesn't matter. it was very contradictory, because i liked working on this project a lot, and of course and obviously i love the subject(s) it's about.
but i felt so fucking guilty for not pounding the linkedin pavement everyday and instead spending my time and effort on this video, lol. related back to what i spoke of earlier in this, that fandom is seen as petty and stupid—it's not something to be proud of. in my saddest moments, i thought of how my favorite professors might react if they knew that after graduation, this was the biggest project i had pursued. and my cheeks reddened in shame, i sweat from anxiety... literally as i write this, my hands are kind of shaking and i'm a bit nauseous imagining having to admit something like that to them. i mean, just think of every little kid that's like "i wanna be a youtuber!" it's adorable when you're 13, not so much when you're 23. and again, contradictory! because this is something i'm so stupidly passionate about, i'm unable to abandon it for something more "honorable"! i felt, i often feel, pathetic for how much i love things that no one cares about.
but upon completing this essay, i realized that this was something i started and finished, by myself, for... well, not "for myself," it's for you guys, but for self-motivated reasons, i.e., i wasn't seeking anyone's pride or approval—of course, your pride and approval would be nice to have and i wouldn't deny it! but i really did this for the values i have about community, for educational and discussional purposes, and of course, love for the witcher.
i realized that i made this because i wanted to make something to share with others, for other's benefit, which, upon reflection, has little to do with what others think of me. and that's really interesting, because i've, in school, in the majority of my life, i think i've been chasing the approval of others, i really wither away without it... so it's cathartic to realize that i put effort into, i spent my time on, making something not for approval, just out of passion. there's some kind of valuable life lesson learned here, i bet... some kind of personal growth...
but yeah, it's kind of weird. i guess my path doesn't look like everyone else's, i probably look like a loser to a lot of people right now if they could see me. but this video is evidence that i've grown and matured (in ways which maybe other people had already achieved for themselves, and maybe they haven't...) it's proof that i'm not stagnant, that life does exist in me still, and it's taking a form i didn't expect. a person is emerging from me. i can only watch with anticipation for who they'll become.
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