#i'm gonna try to do them all in the end but... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

gimmethatagustd · 3 days ago

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what the fire gave us | jjk

You were born with a Gift that the world wanted to turn into a weapon. All Jungkook wanted to do was show you that you could find love, even in the dark.

Relationship: Shadow Elemental Jungkook x Water Elemental Reader

Rating: Explicit

Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence (someone you love is gonna die I'm so sorry)

Tags: Dystopia, Fantasy, Friends to Lovers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Character Death, Murder, Human Experimentation, War, Jungkook is a precious baby boy but he’ll also kill you, Elemental Magic, Shadow Elemental Jungkook, Fire Elemental Yoongi, Loss of Virginity, Vaginal Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Cunnilingus, Outdoor Sex

Word Count: 25,983

A/N: Fun fact, Taehyung’s character is based off of Jeff Goldblum. Part of a spring offering collab.

Soundtrack: cyberpunk - ateez

moodboard credit: @btscontentenjoyer

3 MONTHS

Lookout duty is hard on you. When it’s your turn to camp out on the roof and watch for potential threats, you complain that staying awake all night is hard. Most of the other runaways are night owls, but you aren’t. You need your beauty sleep, you joke. You can’t get comfortable on the roof, even if there’s a flat landing with pillows and blankets to keep you warm.

These are a few of your excuses, but you can’t bring yourself to tell the others the truth: you are scared.

It’s close to midnight when you hear the creak of the trapdoor opening. The likelihood of it being anyone other than the group of Gifted runaways you live with is low, but you can’t trust that the impossible wouldn’t happen. You’ve seen the impossible happen far too often.

Hopping down from the old milk crate you’d been sitting on, you crouch behind a giant bean bag with your bow and arrow ready. The harness you wear strapped around your torso holds your spare arrows. It digs hard enough into your shoulder that you form blisters if you don’t wear a thick enough shirt.

The fluffy pink hair poking out of the trapdoor makes you sigh in relief.

“Hey, kid,” the pink-haired man whispers.

He gently closes the trapdoor and walks with a hunched back toward you, careful not to expose too much of his body beyond the roof’s railing. The abandoned warehouse you live in is on the city’s outskirts, with nothing for miles but empty concrete parking lots and overgrown plots of land.

Still, you never know who might be out there. Although the Red Pins have only inflicted pain from within their research facilities, all the runaway Gifteds know that the government employs more than one type of evil to hunt them down.

You try not to think about them, those scientists in long white coats that fall to their thighs and blood-red nametags pinned to their labels with names you often see painted on the walls of your nightmares. Lately, the frequency of the nightmares has lessened. It doesn’t feel like it, though, when you often wake in the middle of the night to your friends screaming in their sleep while they suffer through their own trauma. You wish the knowledge that the pain of being government lab rats is something you all share could be comforting. But, instead, it only makes you hurt more.

“Yoongi,” you huff, returning to your perch on the milk crate. Now your hands are all sweaty. “You should be sleeping.”

“Hi, Yoongi; nice to see you too! Thanks for coming to hang out with me!” Yoongi mocks your voice, clearly stating what he thinks you should have said. “Oh, no problem, Y/N. I just wanted to see how you were doing and hang out with my favorite kiddo.”

You scrunch your nose at kiddo.

“I’m not a kid.”

Yoongi leans over to rub his knuckles into your head. “Nah, you definitely are.”

Despite the lack of lighting outside, Yoongi practically glows. That’s always how it is with fire elementals. It’s like they absorb all the light and let it buzz inside them. Like fireflies, you’d once told Yoongi. He hadn’t found it cute to be compared to a bug.

“If I’m a firefly, then you’re a fucking fish,” he’d teased. You’d promptly summoned water from a nearby puddle to throw in his face.

For as long as you can remember, that’s how it has been between the two of you: fire and water. A push and pull. So different that you need each other to be whole.

You watch Yoongi get comfortable in the bean bag, his skinny limbs spreading like a starfish and his eyes lifting to the sky. In quiet moments like this, you would give anything to hold him. And not out of fear like you had when the scary men came to take you away from your parents. And not out of anger like you had to when you stopped him from blowing up the research facility they’d held you in.

No, you want to hold him and for it to be gentle, soft, and peaceful.

Like now, when the world is silent except for the crickets calling to each other in the weeds and the rustle of wind in the trees.

But he thinks you’re just a kid.

You’re not that much younger than him. But, if you put in the effort to look at your relationship objectively, you’d see that Yoongi’s paternal nature comes out with you and the other runaway Gifteds. He cares for you as an older brother would.

It’s not enough for you, though. It will never be enough.

“Is everyone else asleep?” You rest your elbows on your knees and hold your chin in your hand. When you speak, you look out at the empty field.

“Hobi sneezed and blasted a hole through the bathroom wall,” Yoongi says with a low chuckle. “So me and Joon found some supplies to patch it up the best we could. I think they’re all asleep now, though.”

“How is it Hobi’s the one breaking shit and Namjoon’s fixing it?” You press your hand against your mouth to muffle the ugly snort bursting from you. There’s very little to find funny in this life, so you cherish how your chest burns with fond warmth.

“The world’s all backwards.” Yoongi’s gummy smile lights up the night and tears into your heart.

The two of you fall silent once again. Moving slowly, you reach out to hook your pinky finger with Yoongi’s, a small smile forming when you feel his pinky wrap tightly around yours.

“Where are we gonna go, Yoong?”

He watches you with eyes heavy with sleep, determined to stay up with you even though he doesn’t need to. Initially, you thought it was because he wanted to keep you company. Now, you often wonder if it’s because Yoongi is afraid to sleep, too. He never speaks about his experience at the Labs; the other runaways have learned the hard way not to ask. Singed eyebrows don’t look good on anyone.

“I don’t know.”

You already knew this would be the answer, but it scares you anyway. Yoongi always knows everything.

Yoongi lets go of your hand to sit up in the bean bag.

“Hey, kid,” he whispers. He gently presses his palm to your jaw, cupping your face. You hope he doesn’t hear your breath hitch in your throat. “As long as we’re together, you don’t gotta worry about anything, okay?”

You stare at him for a long time, searching the bags under his eyes and the worry lines on his forehead.

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

3 MONTHS, 1 WEEK

There’s a stream that cuts through the overgrown fields behind the warehouse. It’s man-made, flowing from a sewer tunnel beneath the cracked parking lot - and likely from somewhere else, perhaps connected to a lake beyond the woods at the property’s edge. The separation between industrialization and the natural world of the unknown hurts your heart. You’d never felt longing until you found yourself inside a cage of cinderblock walls and concrete floors.

A rope of water whips across your face, drawing you from your thoughts of the woods. It’s muddy and makes your skin and clothes smell sour.

Though the air is still crisp and bites at the tip of your nose, spring came early this year. It takes minimal effort for Namjoon to draw more water from the soiled stream as it’s not frozen over like it should be. With a flick of his wrist, another rope of water hits you, this time across your chest.

“Aghh!”

“Pay attention.”

You lift your arm in enough time to block his next assault. The liquid rope freezes in the air before shattering into a thousand glimmering pieces, scattering jagged ice across the pale yellow grass.

“I’m tired of this, Grandpa.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes at the pop culture reference; you’re pleased he understood. Posed to speak, mouth already opening, he barely gets a sound out before another voice bellows across the field.

“WELL, THAT’S TOO DAMN BAD!”

Hoseok isn’t afraid to be loud. He smiles, all teeth and pink tongue, and throws his head back as he cackles. Everywhere he goes, he carries the smell of spring with him - cherry blossoms and morning dew that makes newly-grown pieces of grass stick wet against ankles.

You close your eyes and let spring overpower the sour smell of sewer water Namjoon has thrown at you for the past hour. It lets you forget how your skin aches with welts and bruises.

As Hoseok bounds toward you and Namjoon, a dark tornado spins beside him. When he gets closer, you can see Hoseok occasionally blowing a small gust of air toward the tornado. It appears to be made of smoke, a gradient of grays and blacks.

“Look at this,” your friend announces with a mischievous grin. “Me and JK learned a new trick.”

With a quick snap of Hoseok’s fingers, you and Namjoon watch in patient silence as the tornado begins to slow its speed. Almost gently, the smoke curls tighter and tighter until the darkness turns into a solid mass.

Jungkook stumbles a few times as he attempts to get his footing. His limbs continue to propel his body into a small spin.

Hoseok quickly reaches out to grab the younger man. Secure hands squeeze his shoulders, and then it’s only Jungkook’s head lolling about.

“Cool, right?” Jungkook’s voice is gruff, but his lips curl into a weak smile.

Namjoon lets out a long sigh. “You look like you’re going to be sick.”

Although Namjoon is right, Jungkook does look like the effort of his little party trick took a toll on his body; you can’t help but match his smile. Especially when his eyes flick toward yours. You told his gaze for half a second before Jungkook quickly looks away. His cheeks flush pink, but you’re sure it’s from the exertion of all that spinning.

“I think it’s really cool,” you praise the two while elbowing Namjoon in the ribs. With a grumble, your sparring partner returns to his previous stance a few feet away.

“We should go again. Just for a little while longer.”

Every muscle in your body feels stiff when you turn away from Hoseok and Jungkook.

“I hurt all over, Joonie.”

“Let her rest!” Hoseok adds to your whining. “All we ever do is practice fighting.”

“Sparring.”

Hoseok waves a dismissive hand at the younger man. “Whatever you want to call it. I find it to be fri-”

You stifle a laugh by pressing the back of your hand to your mouth as Hoseok is tackled to the ground by Jungkook. The two men roll around, all arms and legs, kicking up dead grass and dirt. A lot of howling and teasing laughter rings through the open air.

It isn’t until Jungkook is launched into the sky by a gust of wind you know comes from Hoseok, and lands roughly on his back, that the playful fight ceases. How Jungkook lands knocks all the air out of his chest, but he laughs once his lungs start working again.

“Ridiculous, all of you.” Hoseok brushes grass from his clothes. It’s futile; they’re dirty and ragged anyway. Try as you and Namjoon might to use your Gifts to clean the clothes; water does little when there’s no soap.

��I let you win,” Jungkook teases.

Still, he stands a bit further from Hoseok than he had previously. Not far enough for anyone to notice, aside from you. You notice although you don’t mean to. It’s hard not to when Jungkook keeps stealing glances, only to look away when you try to return his gaze.

“You did not.”

“Did, too.” His insistence makes you giggle.

“And how did that work out for you? Hmm? How does your back feel? I know you landed on that rock.”

“I-It, it doesn’t hurt.” Jungkook glances your way. His cheeks are still pink. “Would take more than that to hurt me.”

“Jungkook is impossible to beat.”

You startle at the gentle voice, spinning on your heels to see Yoongi approaching the group. He’s got a leather satchel strapped across his chest and resting at his hip. It bulges with what you assume are plants and fruits scavenged from the woods.

“Boy Scouts” is what Yoongi offered when you asked how he knew so much about surviving in nature. It was peculiar; nothing about Yoongi seemed like the type. He’s tougher, more steel than wood or earth. A bulletproof shield, you think. Broad and strong.

“Impossible?”

Your question is meant to be a tease, but Yoongi’s face remains stoic. Such a severe look only reveals itself when he assumes his position as your misfit group’s leader. It would be extremely attractive if it didn’t scare you.

“How can you fight shadows?” Yoongi deadpans. He stares into your eyes long enough to make your face feel hot, but you don’t look away.

“I…”

Yoongi hums at your lack of an answer. Suddenly, you feel unbelievably small.

“It’s not impossible,” Jungkook whispers. His head hangs low, long bangs hiding his face. The rest of his hair is tied into a bun at the nape of his neck. “I’m just as beatable as you, hyung.”

Something about Yoongi’s expression softens at the honorific. Formalities died long ago, along with many other traditions that once made Korea what it was. So many things died during the war - tangible and cultural - lives and ways of being. Now, the Republic is something you know your friends no longer recognize. Although it is not your home country, your heart aches for what it once was - something you will never have the privilege to experience because you arrived during the Restoration of the Republic - a fallacy of an era since the country was never restored to how it was.

That may be best. It is easier to mourn the loss of something you never knew.

In moments like this, you feel terribly inadequate - when you speak with broken Korean or struggle to understand the foreign politics behind why Gifteds are hunted, no matter how many times Namjoon patiently attempts to teach you. All you know is that, at least here, to be Gifted is not a death sentence, per se. Other countries’ governments have been far less lenient with their mutant population.

You’re simply seen as a science experiment to be tested on, poked and prodded, pushed until you’re driven mad, and then warped into whatever shape the government has the need for.

“You have no match,” Yoongi smiles softly at Jungkook with a shake of his head. “I do.”

Holding out his hand, a small flame appears in the center of Yoongi’s palm. It floats just above the skin, though he isn’t burned. You’ve seen Yoongi summon fire a million times from the heat of the air around him, and he never ceases to amaze you.

With a nod in Namjoon’s direction, Yoongi waits for a small rope of dirty water to splash against his hand. Namjoon is much kinder in his attack against Yoongi, only summoning enough water to extinguish the flame.

“Water will always win against me,” Yoongi admits. This time, he holds your gaze when he speaks. “It is my match.”

You feel something stir in your belly that migrates up your chest until it eventually threatens to suffocate you, nearly getting lodged in your throat.

“You would do well to continue sparring with Namjoon,” he says after a moment before turning to Hoseok and Jungkook, who have otherwise been silent.

It’s an order, even if Yoongi is gentle with his words.

With a sigh, you turn back to Namjoon. It’s difficult to stamp down the heat Yoongi always manages to trigger inside of you. You would compare him to fire even if it didn’t already run in his veins.

Drawing from the murky stream, you weave a ball of water between your palms.

“Let’s go again.”

While you spar with Namjoon, Yoongi leads Hoseok and Jungkook to the other end of the field.

You and Namjoon spar as though you are dancing. It’s a push and pull, your rhythms falling into harmony, even when one of you performs a surprise attack or a new move that hasn’t been practiced before. Perhaps it is because you both fight with water. There is a fluidity to it that the others don’t possess.

Occasionally, your eyes stray to where Yoongi, Hoseok, and Jungkook have begun to spar. The three men do not dance. Instead, they are a fury of elements intertwining in chaos. The wind snuffs fire, Yoongi and Hoseok blasting each other incessantly. Shadows allow Jungkook to disappear before being hit by an attack, only to reappear right behind his opponent to go in for the kill.

And it would be a kill if this was real. You know Jungkook keeps a rather terrifying knife strapped to his thigh. You all carry weapons, though you don’t really need them. Even Jungkook, with a Gift that’s misunderstood and exceptionally rare, is never found without his weapon.

Out of all the Gifteds you’ve met on your way to safety, you have never encountered another who can manipulate shadows. So, there is truth to Yoongi’s statement.

Jungkook is terrifying, even with the wide, starry eyes he always seems to stare at you with. He’s quiet and shy, typically sticking to Hoseok. You assume it’s likely because you found the two of them together. Both were kept in the same room at the research facility in Busan. As unassuming as Jungkook may be, you’ve seen him manipulate shadows to wrap around a Red Pin’s neck. Those shadows twisted and tightened until the man crumpled.

You didn’t need to have the Gift of blood manipulation to know when his heart stopped.

It was one of the scariest moments of your life, even beyond the suffering you’d endured having lived in the research facilities since you were a teen. Before then, you’d never seen someone die. Even when Yoongi and Namjoon helped you escape, they shielded you from the worst of it. It wasn’t until the three of you came upon the newest facility that such horrors were unleashed.

Jungkook hates himself for it. You know he does; you typically make your bed beside his, and he cries in his sleep. Self-defense protects the body in the moment, but harms the mind and heart long-term.

You probably would have done the same.

For as tragic as his story is - or what little you know of it - Jungkook has an undeniably beautiful soul. Those horrors have yet to turn him cruel or his heart black. Even when he spars, you can tell that he’s being gentle. He holds back and doesn’t reach his full potential out of fear of hurting others, you’re sure. You can see it in how he bounces on the balls of his feet to keep his movements light and how his back muscles ripple beneath his shirt as it clings to his skin. A bead of sweat runs along his neck, over the vein that bulges from his exerting effort.

Something prickles under your skin. When you look up, it’s into those wide eyes full of galaxies you’ll never understand, are somehow okay with not understanding if it means you can continue to gaze upon them.

A small smile pulls the corners of Jungkook’s mouth up. His expression is short-lived, though, quickly falling as a bright orange flame licks at his ankles.

“Don’t let my words get to your head, Jeon,” Yoongi teases. “Impossible to beat, but easy to hurt.”

This time, you catch Yoongi’s eye. You duck your head when he winks at you, just in time to block another blast of water from Namjoon.

“Why is everyone so off today?” Namjoon grumbles to himself. You haven’t managed to successfully hit him even once.

“I’m tired,” you whine again, dropping a ball of water to the ground. Dead grass quickly soaks it up once it splashes. “We should check on Jessi.”

Your group’s sixth and final member is tucked away in the corner of the warehouse on the top floor. It’s dark up there, though Yoongi’s everlasting fire, paired with the windows Jessi managed to open, gives enough light for her to work.

She has black grease smudged on her left cheek and across her forehead. Her long, thick hair is tied back into a ponytail, though strands have fallen out to frame her face. When you step closer, you hear her muttering, but you can’t make out what she’s saying. It’s not for you. She speaks, facing the black box placed in front of where she kneels on the floor. The floor can’t feel good on her knees with its bits of broken concrete and dirt. Everything hurts in this life; it hardly matters as long as you’re here and not there.

“This piece of shit,” Jessi hisses, running her hands across her face. It smears more grease onto her skin, but she doesn’t care.

“Not working?”

“Beep beep boop beeping all over the fucking place, then static. White noise and shit. Like it’s telling me to fuck off even though I’m the one fixing it.”

You hum, crouching down to stare at the box. It’s an old radio meant to transport messages back and forth. Perhaps left behind by the military after it had occupied this land while it bulldozed the vigilantes seeking to save Gifteds from the fate you all ended up sharing anyway.

Jessi tweaks a few exposed wires. Every time they spark, you flinch. Mini white lightning, it’s deadly for anyone but Jessi. She grumbles and continues her work with deft fingers calloused from toiling away at the stupid thing for months.

“I’m normally so fucking good at this, I swear to God.”

Frustration colors her tone, even if her expression and cursing didn’t already give her feelings away.

You don’t doubt her, though, and you tell her as much. Still, you know firsthand that it sucks when your powers don’t work how you want them to. As a technopath, fixing the radio should be easy work for her.

“There must be something wrong with it… Maybe the Red Pins did something to it?”

You don’t know anything about technology. Even with the phone you’d stolen off one of the Red Pins, all you’d gotten to do was look at TikTok and try to find out where your parents were before Yoongi made you destroy the device. The government had ways to track you. Technology was as much your friend as a stranger on the street.

With a sigh, Jessi leans back until she’s sitting flat on the grimy floor.

“Maybe? Fuck if I know. I think I’m getting close, though. I’m getting some frequency when I concentrate really hard, but I wanna fix it so it’ll work even without me.”

Your friend whispers the end of her statement. It goes without saying; each one of you knows the fragility of life on the run.

“Thank you for working so hard.” Even in the dim lighting, you can see her watery eyes shine. It hurts your heart, but all you can offer is a light squeeze of her shoulder.

Jessi shrugs. “It’s as much for me as it is for you.”

You watch her stand and brush the dirt from her butt, her joints cracking from sitting down too long. When you first joined this mutant crew, you would have followed behind Jessi to comfort her. But, after months of running and fighting, you’ve learned that sometimes solitude is the best healing method.

4 MONTHS, 2 DAYS

“What makes you think you’re ready? That any of us are ready?”

Yoongi watches you with catlike eyes from where he sits at the kitchen table. The chairs circled around the battered wooden table are mismatched and in varying stages of deterioration from being abandoned for so long. The one Yoongi sits in is metal, and he leans on its two back legs, his right foot pressed to the floor to keep himself steady and his arms crossed against his chest.

Although Yoongi isn’t raising his voice - he never does - you still feel like you’re being scolded.

“I know we are,” you challenge him. Your voice is steady even as your fingers tremble. To stop them from shaking, you squeeze your hands into a fist, nails biting at the skin of your palms.

You should sit down, but holding your energy in is hard. Instead, you pace the kitchen while Yoongi’s cat eyes and Jessi’s wide ones follow you. You feel like a lion looping its cage, the desire to run restricted and confined.

“How?”

“We can’t stay here, Yoong! We can’t. I can’t.”

The front legs of Yoongi’s chair slam into the concrete floor. He allows the momentum to pull him forward, landing his elbows on the table’s surface.

Looking at Yoongi hurts. You can tell from his face that the next thing he says won’t be pleasant. His lips are pressed into a fine line that curves downward slightly. It’s cute how he can pull off a straight-lipped frown, but not when it’s directed at you.

It’s been at least an hour of back and forth between the three of you. Jessi tapped out a long time ago, resolved to watch the tennis match of an argument between you and Yoongi rather than exert energy on a fight she isn’t committed to. Yoongi and Jessi have the final say in all group decisions as the group’s elders. It’s another reminder of how you think Yoongi sees you as someone to take care of rather than an equal.

“Have you ever killed someone before, Y/N?”

You pause your pacing to stand in front of the table. Yoongi is an exceptional cook, managing to create delicious meals out of what little you all have to work with from the forest. But now, at this moment, you feel like you’re going to be sick from the food churning in your stomach.

“No.”

“No,” Yoongi repeats. He speaks slowly, like he’s mulling your answer over, letting it twist around his tongue until he’s satisfied enough with its taste to swallow it down.

Leaning forward, Yoongi presses his palms against the table’s surface. He spreads his fingers and stares at them. The two of you seem to trace over the scars that line his skin, little nicks, and slices that healed light pink or blazing white. You’ve never seen Yoongi naked, but you have seen a good expanse of his body when you’ve used your Gift to help the others get clean. From what you’ve seen, you know Yoongi’s entire body is littered with battle scars.

“I have,” he admits what you already knew, and the gravelly sound of his voice makes you shudder. “Jungkook has.”

You wince at the mention of the younger man, but Yoongi doesn’t give you a chance to speak.

“Do you want to ask him what it’s like to squeeze the life out of another man? He may have done it with shadows, but I guarantee he still felt it in his hands.”

Yoongi lifts his eyes to yours when the first tear rolls down your cheek. Concern wrinkles his forehead.

“Yoongi,” you start, but the pink-haired man shakes his head.

“I don’t mean to upset you, kiddo.” The pet name twists your gut tighter with frustration - even though Yoongi’s voice is filled with gentle adoration when he calls out to you. “But I’ll be damned if I let us walk into that forest without knowing where we’re going or whose claws we’re running into. The Gifted Commune is, at best, a rumor. At worst - a trap.”

You want to tell him that falling for a rumor or getting caught by the government is better than sitting in a concrete cage. The prospect of finding a community of other Gifted runaways who have managed to create a society safe from the evils you’ve grown up with means more to you than the fear of the unknown.

There’s no use, though. Jessi is nodding along to Yoongi’s words; the blank expression she wears when she’s upset already masks her face.

“I will not put you in a situation where you must kill or be killed, Y/N. I won’t fucking do it.” Yoongi clears his throat suddenly, and he looks away from you. You’re unsure, but think he might be blinking back unshed tears.

You’re still pissed, but now your anger is mixed quite prettily with debilitating guilt. You’ve never seen Yoongi cry, and you realize with a sinking feeling that you really don’t want to.

“It’s too fucking risky,” Jessi finally speaks. She presses her fingers against her forehead, massaging it slowly as she, too, looks for words. “The radio is almost fixed; I can feel that it’s close. Then we will have a clearer line of communication with the Commune. It doesn’t guarantee anything, obviously, but it’s better than going in without fucking knowing anything.”

There’s nothing else to say. Yoongi doesn’t look at you or Jessi, instead staring at something in the opposite corner of the room.

Jessi gives you what you think is a smile laced with pity - or at least an apology.

How can everyone be so content to stay in the warehouse? You’re a bunch of sitting ducks, hiding out in the same location for months, practically waiting for the government to send their agents to either corral you into laboratories again or exterminate you. You don’t understand how becoming a moving target is a bad thing.

But, ultimately, you don’t understand why Yoongi can’t just trust you.

With a frustrated huff, you twist around to hurry out of the kitchen. As you cross the threshold, Namjoon appears in the doorway.

“Oh, I need to ask you-”

You don’t mean to shove Namjoon with your shoulder as hard as you do, but you don’t have the patience to comply with whatever he expects you to do for him. Probably more sparring and training.

On the one hand, sharing your identity as a water elemental with someone else in the group is an affirming experience. On the other, it’s infuriating because Namjoon sees your potential and pushes you toward it - even when you fight against him.

Namjoon sputters something, and you hear Jessi convince him to drop it. Whatever else they have to say is lost on you; you’re no longer interested in entertaining the conversations of the “leaders” of the group. Part of you wants to find Hoseok or Jungkook to force them to commiserate with you, but something about dumping your sludge of emotions onto them feels wrong.

So you do what you’ve always done best: you repress.

It isn’t until a few hours later when you’re lounging on your makeshift bed with the only tattered book you kept from your facility (Fahrenheit 451, how fitting), that you give yourself over to the gnawing need to interact with other humans.

Jungkook bounces on the balls of his feet, items that you can’t make out pressed against his chest.

“Will you cut my hair for me, noona?”

The out-of-use honorific flusters you, making your face burn under Jungkook’s attentive gaze.

“You don’t have to be so formal with me,” you insist, embarrassment ravaging your twisted stomach and fluttering chest. Something about the attention Jungkook gives you makes you feel nervous and giddy.

“It’s not very formal, really. It’s… respectful? I just… You are, it means,” Jungkook lets out a huff. He blows his bangs out of his face as his cheeks turn pink. “You are special to me.”

You duck your head, shocked by Jungkook’s honesty. It warms you in a way you’re not sure you understand, letting the feeling sit inside your chest rather than exploring it any further.

“Where I come from, we don’t have words like that.”

Jungkook gives you a shrug. Neither of you mentions that in Korea, those words don’t really exist anymore, either.

“But, okay,” you relent softly.

Jungkook stands beside the mess of blankets that make up your bed, holding a pair of scissors and electric clippers Jessi enhanced to operate on their own. Jungkook nicked them from a Red Pin on their way out of the research facility he’d grown up in. Hairstyling tools didn’t seem high on your list of items to steal, but they’d come in handy. Like now, with Jungkook’s bangs falling entirely into his eyes and his hair sweeping across his shoulders.

The pout Jungkook wears lessens slightly. He holds out the tools with an expectant look on his face. It’s cute how his bottom lip juts out, pink and chapped from nervously chewing on it. You’d overheard Namjoon scolding him for something earlier that morning before you went outside to patrol the grounds with Hoseok and Jessi.

Taking the items from Jungkook, you lead him out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. The lights sputter briefly before they fully brighten the small room. Jessi was excited to learn that her Gift extended to electricity as a whole, not just that within technology like computers and radios. With all your Gifts combined, the warehouse is liveable, almost comfortable.

Jungkook sits on the closed lid of the toilet, making you tower over him. He parts his legs slightly so you can stand between them as you run your fingers through his hair.

You spread your fingers and sweep his bangs up, exposing his forehead. It opens up his face more and makes him look older. Jungkook is handsome; there’s no denying that. You’re sure in another life, he could have been a regular college kid with a sweet girlfriend and a bright future.

“What would you like me to do?”

“Hmm?” Jungkook hums with his eyes closed, and his head tilted back slightly.

You don’t miss how he leans into your touch, completely pliable in your hands, as you massage his scalp and continue to play with his hair. It’s thick and soft, even without the proper haircare products to maintain the health of the follicles.

“How do you want me to cut it, silly?”

You reach for the hairbrush you keep tucked away in the bathroom cabinet. It takes a few more moments of silence while you brush out Jungkook’s waves before he finally speaks.

“Short. Cut it all off, please? It’s too hard to take care of now, and it gets in my face.”

“Don’t get mad at me if it comes out bad.”

Jungkook lets out a frustrated sound. “You always do a great job. You gave Yoongi hyung an undercut. It looks so good!”

At the mention of Yoongi, you feel your heart drop. Somehow you know Jungkook is here to make you feel better even if he hasn’t said anything about the argument, and he’s the one seeking your help, not the other way around. He’s a distraction - one you wonder if Yoongi sent himself.

It isn’t that Yoongi won’t apologize; you just never give him a chance to before you run off to lick your wounds on your own.

It’s the healing quality of solitude, you think as you prepare to cut Jungkook’s hair. However, this time, you’re not alone.

You can’t help but smile when Jungkook starts singing a song of his own creation as chunks of his hair fall to the floor. His song drowns out the static that buzzes in your brain like the fuzziness Jessi’s broken radio emits when anyone but her fiddles with it.

“This way,” you speak softly, not wanting to disrupt his singing as you press your fingertips against his jaw and under his chin to lift his face toward you. Your finger presses against the little mole just below Jungkook’s bottom lip. The angle gives you a better view of your work so far.

A small smile flickers on Jungkook’s face as though he’s trying to keep it down, but the corners of his mouth won’t listen to him.

“It feels nice. We don’t touch.”

You hum and nod your head, but Jungkook’s eyes are still closed. It’s true; kind touches are rare. Hoseok is really the only one who gives out hugs. Everything is tough all the time. There’s little room for gentleness, even amongst friends.

So you understand when Jungkook’s smile wins out, and he finally surrenders to the happiness your light touches along his jaw bring him.

4 MONTHS, 5 DAYS

It takes Yoongi three days to apologize.

Perhaps you should have apologized first, but you struggle to see how you could have done anything that warrants an apology. Yes, you feel bad for upsetting Yoongi, but his attitude toward you lately has rubbed you the wrong way.

During the three days it takes him to apologize to you, he seems to do his best to avoid you.

On the days you’re assigned to go on patrol with Yoongi, Jungkook accompanies you instead. You don’t mind having Jungkook by your side, you discover, even though you’re upset that Yoongi is behaving so childishly.

Neither Jungkook nor Yoongi talks much, but you learn that their silence feels different. Whereas Yoongi’s silence stems from feeling confident and content with not needing to fill the air with incessant babbling, Jungkook’s silence is awkward and heavy. He fiddles with the loose strings of his shirt, his reddened cuticles, and everything else. You don’t mind the awkwardness, though. It’s nice to comb through the woods with someone as powerful as Jungkook; you know there’s nothing to fear with him around.

The only weapon Jungkook carries is the knife strapped to his thigh. You, on the other hand, stay heavily armed. Your fingers tighten around your bow. When you twist your torso, the harness that holds your arrows digs into your shoulder. You also have a knife, though you are honestly afraid of close combat. A gun would be even better, but ammo is difficult to come by. It’s easier to collect your arrows after you’ve shot them, although you haven’t needed to yet. Since finding refuge at the warehouse, no one has discovered your group.

Apparently, all your friends are willing to keep testing fate. You aren’t interested in pushing your luck. Jungkook doesn’t comment on the group’s plans for moving forward - or lack thereof. Something tells you that he’ll do whatever Yoongi and Jessi tell him to do.

Still, going on patrol with Jungkook does a decent job of preventing your thoughts from straying toward your argument with Yoongi. Your hands brushed together a few times as you walked side by side, and you could practically feel Jungkook’s brain shortcircuit from the contact.

Part of you thinks he has a crush on you, but the more logical part of you knows he’s probably shy. The kid has gone through a lot in life. Not everything is always about you; you try to remind yourself. Yoongi doesn’t even want you. Why would Jungkook?

On the third day, bright doe eyes don’t greet you at the edge of the woods, just as the sun is kissing the sky for the first time. Instead, sharp cat eyes hold your gaze when you lightly jog over.

“Good morning, kiddo.”

Yoongi wears dark shorts with tattered edges cut from a pair of old jeans and a plain t-shirt the color of the forest in spring. It’s not warm enough to wear what he’s wearing, but fire elementals run hot like you run cold.

“Hi,” you say, voice a bit stunted as you hold your jacket tighter to your body.

You’ve foregone your bow and arrows today; you may or may not have snapped your bow in a fit of frustration that may or may not have anything to do with Yoongi ignoring you at dinner the night before. A knife and your Gift will have to do, but you feel it is enough. Namjoon insists on learning how to use your Gifts and weapons in tandem. For double the defense, or so he says.

Carrying a knife seems ridiculous when you know how to choke someone with their own spit without touching them.

Once you’re within arm’s reach, Yoongi offers his hand to you. He holds it as though he’s going in for a handshake. Yellow-orange fire licks at his palm and swirls in tendrils around his fingers and wrist.

After a few seconds of silence, he makes a slight grunting sound and wiggles his fingers, beckoning you.

It’s impossible not to cave. A prickly feeling tingles down your arm, beginning somewhere in your chest and eventually settling in your fingertips. A tiny hurricane of water stolen from the moisture in the air circles around your hand just as the fire does Yoongi’s.

He lets out a pleased sound when your palms glide across each other. You hook your thumbs together, using the momentum to spin your hands around until your fingers are interlaced and pressed into your palms. You both squeeze your hands once, twice, three times in a heartbeat before pulling away. By the end, the fire and water have disappeared.

When you meet Yoongi’s eyes, the warmth of the fire in his palm has transferred to his gaze. There is an apology in how you release each other’s hands. The handshake holds secret words of friendship and reassurance between you.

The two of you stand in silence for a bit until Yoongi tilts his head in the direction of the woods. You nod in response and follow Yoongi along one of the many patrol paths your group has established.

There’s never anything in the woods besides small animals like squirrels and rabbits, but everyone feels better knowing there is a consistent patrol of the area, just in case.

“So,” When you look at Yoongi, his lips twist into a light smirk you absolutely do not like. “You and Jungkook.”

“Me and Jungkook what?”

Yoongi shrugs. “Just seems like you two been hanging out a lot.”

“Yeah, because you were fucking ignoring me all week.”

His smirk drops into a stern frown, but Yoongi continues following the path. He walks slightly ahead of you with his hands clasped behind his back. It feels like he’s taking a leisurely stroll through a garden rather than going on patrol in the woods for government assassins.

“It was immature and irresponsible of me, and I’m sorry for that.”

Forgiving Yoongi is too easy. It’s the way the morning sun shines through the canopy of trees above you, casting streaks of light against his fading pink hair. The way he carries himself with confidence is gentle and comforting rather than arrogant or misplaced. It’s how he looks at you; you know he would do anything for you.

“It’s okay,” you finally concede. You scramble a bit to fall in line with Yoongi again. “I was being dramatic.”

“Life is one big drama, isn’t it?” Yoongi muses with a chuckle. It’s a question he doesn’t expect an answer to, which is good, considering you’ve got something else buzzing around in your head.

Well, fuck it. You’re just gonna say it.

Heart pounding, you eventually find it in you to say, “I still think you’re wrong.”

After a moment, Yoongi hums in acknowledgment of your admission but doesn’t offer anything else. It’s better than nothing, so you tell yourself to be content with all that he offers.

“Anyway…” You don’t want to drop the subject, but Yoongi’s question is nagging in the back of your brain now - a nagging question you now have a gnawing desire to know the meaning behind. “Me and Jungkook can hang out without it meaning-”

Before you can finish your statement, Yoongi slaps his hand against your mouth. The calluses on his palms are rough against your chapped lips, and his skin is sweaty. His free arm comes around to the front of your chest near your collarbones. He draws you against his chest so tightly you can’t move.

“Don’t talk.” His breath is hot against your face, and his voice is almost indiscernible.

You give a tiny nod before locking your body completely still. You hold your breath, straining to hear what Yoongi might hear or see what he might see. There’s nothing, just the usual sound of life in the woods - birds chirping, small animals scurrying in the brush. You don’t see anything either.

You can only focus on the frantic pounding of your heart and the calm beat of Yoongi’s against your back. How he can be so relaxed when he thinks there might be danger in the woods that you can’t even see is unreal.

Slowly, Yoongi takes a step back away from you. He holds a finger to his lips and silently mouths for you to stay where you are. Everything inside you screams to disobey as you watch Yoongi disappear further into the woods, the thick trees swallowing him whole.

But you don’t. You stay put, fear rooting you to the ground even though your body desperately wants to follow.

What lies beyond the thicket of trees? What is dangerous enough that Yoongi wants you to stay put but not so dangerous that he believes he can take it on alone?

Just when your resolve is about to crumble, something catches your attention out of the corner of your eye. Barely breathing, you turn your head to watch a dark spot glide across the forest floor. It’s two-dimensional, not an object but a presence creeping along the ground.

Suddenly, the spot grows. It spreads, turning its shape from a flat, uneven circle to a thing with tendrils sticking out of it, each new tendril moving independently. You gasp when one of the tendrils creeps up your leg. Despite being two-dimensional, you can feel the darkness. It’s firm and cold, like a snake slithering up your body.

Every inch of you trembles as the strange darkness slowly spreads across your body. You squeeze your eyes and hold your breath. Perhaps this is the thing that Yoongi saw, a phantom stalking the trees. But now you’re left behind to be absorbed into its darkness, eaten alive.

You’re startled when the cold disappears; instead, strong arms pull you against a firm chest. Warmth envelopes you, and when you open your eyes, you see familiar ones looking back at you.

“I got you,” Jungkook murmurs. He has you tucked under his chin, and he tilts his head down when he speaks to you. You shiver as his lips lightly brush against your forehead.

“Where did you-”

“Shhh.”

Jungkook’s heart isn’t steady like Yoongi’s had been. On the contrary, it’s beating rather furiously. You can hear him attempting to regulate his emotions, taking in mindful breaths and exhaling in a way that tickles your skin.

You don’t know how long you stand there pulled against Jungkook’s chest. After a while, your breathing matches his until you fall into a gentle rhythm that makes you sleepy. The adrenaline is making you crash, your body hardly strong enough to hold yourself up after panicking so severely - still panicking. Luckily, when you lean into Jungkook, his hold on you tightens.

In another situation, pressing your fronts together would have flooded your body with heat. You can feel all of Jungkook like this, from the bulging muscles of his chest to his thigh pressed slightly between your legs from how he holds you up. But fear of the unknown and Jungkook’s clearly distressed state prevent those other thoughts from materializing.

Jungkook’s body doesn’t relax until Yoongi appears around the corner of a large tree. He keeps his arms wrapped around you, and for a second, Yoongi looks around at the clearing you’re in as though he can’t see you.

It isn’t until Jungkook lets go of you that recognition flashes in Yoongi’s eyes.

“There you are,” Yoongi murmurs to the two of you. He looks like he rolled around on the ground, little pieces of leaves and sticks caught in his hair and stuck to his clothes. His left knee is bleeding from a few superficial scrapes.

“What the fuck happened to you?”

Yoongi looks at Jungkook before he answers your question, which irritates you. “I tripped when I rushed in, but it was nothing. Just a large fox I heard making noise back there.”

A fox is likely the largest animal in the woods, with no bears or wolves in the area. Still, you don’t trust Yoongi. You can pick up on the charred smell coming off of him. He smells like a barbecue, which means only one thing…

“Have you been practicing turning yourself invisible?”

Jungkook ducks his head down but no longer has long bangs to hide his face. It takes a second for your brain to process Yoongi’s question - and the change in the topic - but Jungkook is already answering him by the time you figure it out.

“It’s not really invisibility,” he says softly. “It’s more like… an illusion.”

Yoongi hums and motions for the two of you to start walking. You’re returning to the warehouse, you realize, even though you only just started the patrol route.

“Yeah, I can… adjust the lighting, I guess? To make it seem like you can’t see me. Or, us, this time.”

Jungkook gives you a small smile when you whip around to look at him.

“I didn’t know you could do that.”

“Yeah,” Jungkook repeats. He draws his bottom lip between his teeth and wiggles it like he has more to say but doesn’t want to let it out just yet.

The three of you walk in silence until you reach the warehouse. When Yoongi walks ahead of you, you can tell he’s limping, even as he does his best to walk normally.

“He’s okay.”

Jungkook stands beside you in the field behind the warehouse, watching Yoongi reach the backdoor.

“He’s bleeding.”

Jungkook’s ears are pink when he responds, “He’ll be okay.”

“He’s lying to us.”

Jungkook absentmindedly runs his fingers along his bottom lip. It droops as he speaks through a pout. “Maybe. But I trust him, even if he is.”

It’s a strange thing to trust someone who is lying.

All you can do is nod. All you can do is accept that the people around you are doing what’s right because, aside from them, there is no one and nothing you can trust in the world.

As you approach the warehouse, Jungkook curls his fingers around your wrist to stop you. He watches you with the same wide-eyed look he gives everyone, though something about this time feels different. His expression is more open and vulnerable. He looks at you like he’s waiting for you to hurt him.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” he apologizes softly.

“But you didn’t?”

Your eyebrows crease your forehead, trying to recall what you may have done to make Jungkook feel like you feared him. Sure, his sudden appearance in the woods was startling, but he’d brought you a feeling of comfort and safety - not fear.

Jungkook doesn’t correct you. Instead, he lets go of your wrist as shame warms his cheeks, but he doesn’t look away from you. The timidness is still there. You can see it in how he chews on his bottom lip. Still, his eyes take on a more guarded, hardened expression for a split second, and then…

He’s gone.

“What the fuck?” You mutter to yourself.

Now that you’ve seen the darkness before, your eyes quickly notice the spot on the ground that creeps and grows into odd shapes, slinking along the grass before taking form up your legs, curling around your arms.

It’s Jungkook. You knew it in the woods, somewhere deep down. Your fear for Yoongi’s safety - and your own - prevented you from processing the situation. But now, as the darkness envelopes you again, you know what to expect when you close your eyes and open them to see Jungkook’s broad chest as he crushes you against him.

“You never showed me before.”

Maybe it’s weird that you’re still clinging to each other, but Jungkook is warm and solid, and his heartbeat guides yours into a slower rhythm.

“That’s because it’s creepy.”

“Well, I think it’s cool. Even though, yeah, you kinda scared the shit outta me.”

Jungkook lets out an embarrassed whine and squeezes you tighter. You knew he could command shadows but hadn’t realized he could become one or move within them. Sure, the tornado trick he’d done a few times with Hoseok had been cool, but you’d always thought he was merely swirling the darkness around himself. You hadn’t realized he was the darkness.

Honestly, it made him all the more terrifying and equally as endearing.

“I just had this… feeling something bad was happening…” Jungkook whispers into your hair. “I needed to check.”

“Good thing it was only a fox.”

Jungkook nods in agreement; you know he believes it more than you do.

“I’m just happy you’re safe.” You can feel his cheek press against the top of your head for a moment before he finally releases you.

There’s a feeling there as Jungkook leads you to the warehouse. He laces his fingers with yours, and you can’t help but hear Yoongi’s question on a loop in your head.

You and Jungkook?

4 MONTHS, 3 WEEKS

“What if they think we’re the feds and feed us false information?”

“We’re too stupid to be the feds. It would be obvious.”

“I don’t know… we all escaped the government, so they must be pretty stupid.”

“What if they’re the feds?”

“Shit, I never thought about that.”

“They’re not the fucking feds.”

“How do you know that?!”

“Can all of you please just shut the fuck up?”

The six of you crowd around the radio on the kitchen table. Jessi shows you how to operate it, which flip to switch to activate the microphone, and how to adjust the volume. You’re all muted for now. When Hoseok goes to flip the switch, Jessi smacks his hand out of the way.

“Listen to me,” she says sternly, turning in her seat to get a good look at all of you. “No one talks.”

“But-”

“No one talks.”

Five heads nod at her command, including Yoongi, which feels very satisfying to you for some reason.

Details of the Gifted Commune somewhere beyond the woods traveled by word of mouth. Coordinates and radio frequencies were exchanged in hushed tones between the Gifteds who dared dream of a life beyond the Labs. You’re sad to admit that you were never one of those Gifteds. It wasn’t until Yoongi helped you escape that you even realized escaping was an option, so brainwashed into thinking the Labs were all you had. You were in a new country, stumbling through an unfamiliar language, taken from your family. Sure, you’d learned enough to get by over time - but missing your adolescent years made you feel hopeless.

Jessi is the only one who had communicated with the Commune leaders in the past when she and another Gifted managed to break into a control room in the Labs she came from.

That’s why she’s the one to speak into the radio that you find operates much like a long-distance walkie-talkie. You’re glad it’s not you. She introduces herself, her whereabouts, and her credentials with an even voice you know you could never replicate.

Despite the distrust you’re all afraid of, Jessi’s previous connection to the Commune makes it easy for her to request to speak to the Commune leader, a healer named Kim Taehyung.

Sitting with your fingers gripping the edge of the table so tightly your knuckles are beginning to ache, you lean forward as though you can get closer to the gentle voice that floats from the radio’s speakers.

Taehyung doesn’t sound anything like you’d imagined, though you aren’t sure what you were expecting, to be honest. Maybe someone with a rougher voice made harsh by the trials of life as a fugitive of the Republic. Instead, he’s soft as he asks Jessi how many there are of you and what your coordinates are. This man, already larger than life even though none of you knows what he looks like, is patient as he gives Jessi instructions on how to reach the Commune.

“I can assure you,” Taehyung speaks, and you don’t know what he’s about to say, but you find yourself already believing him, “You will be safe here. It won’t be a short trip.” That makes your gut twist, but you focus on his following words. “But there are abandoned shelters along the route to find refuge in. The nights get terribly cold.”

Namjoon scribbles some notes down on a worn piece of paper. It’s been written on and erased to add more notes over the months you’ve been at the warehouse since there are only a few pieces of paper between the six of you. There’s a small hole in the middle of the page where someone erased too hard - or too many times, you suppose.

“Thank you, Taehyung-ssi.”

The line is quiet for a moment. Jessi’s gaze shoots up to glare at Jungkook’s interruption, but Taehyung speaks before she can chastise the younger man.

“Anything for my dongsaeng,” the man on the other side of the radio states.

You don’t know him, so there is no way to tell if the subtle lilt to his voice indicates affection, but it seems like it as the two men use polite terms no one ever uses anymore. It’s old-fashioned and reminiscent of a time lost to all of you.

Jessi steers the conversation back to planning the group’s journey to the Commune. Excitement makes you jittery as you skip out of the kitchen, the men - aside from Yoongi - following after you. The boring stuff is what follows, and you’re all content to let the leaders discuss that stuff.

“Do you think we’ll be able to do it?” Hoseok clasps his hands together, occasionally squeezing them. When he speaks, he keeps his eyes on the closed kitchen door.

Namjoon shrugs at the same time you respond, “We have to.”

5 MONTHS

Later, when you look back on this time in your life, you’ll see that everything that transpired during those precious months at the warehouse led up to this.

At the moment, though, you don’t see anything but the beginnings of spring attempting to sprout from the hard winter earth.

You sit on the roof atop the old milkcrate with your elbows on your knees. Your eyes follow a small butterfly floating through the light breeze. It’s quiet, just like any other day.

Yoongi, Jessi, and Namjoon are inside, preparing for the trip you all will make through the woods to the Commune. Hoseok and Jungkook are somewhere at the perimeter of the woods, gathering whatever they can as food for the trip.

You’ve learned that there is a runaway at the Commune whose Gift allows them to disguise the Commune, similar to Jungkook’s Gift of optical illusion through shadows. Except this Gifted can alter reality, bend the shape of time and space to make the Commune simply…. disappear to anyone they don’t want to find it.

It sounds otherworldly, something you can hardly wrap your head around, but you must remind yourself that before your Gift had revealed itself to you, you had never believed in the supernatural or fantasy. Now you were everything a younger version of you couldn’t have begun to believe.

A tiny part of you had been worried that you would get nervous, but you find you can’t sit still from the enthusiasm building up energy in your body to the point you might explode. It’s exciting, the knowledge that in a few short days, you won’t have to sit on top of this roof with your bow and fear that has seemed to make its home deep inside your chest.

Soon you’ll be safe.

You hold your breath as the butterfly gently flutters toward you. With a slight dip in its flight, the beautiful insect descends until it rests on your shoe. You’re pretty sure you learned somewhere that butterflies shouldn’t be touched, but you want to run your finger along its wings so badly.

Just before you can touch it, a scream rings out, echoing against the warehouse and reverberating across the industrial park’s empty fields and parking lots. Crows take off into the sky, their cawing harmonizing with the shouts coming from behind you.

With your heart beating in your throat, you stand and run to the other side of the roof toward the woods.

“RUN! Y/N, FUCKING RUN!”

You just barely catch a glimpse of Jungkook’s face as he sprints out of the woods before suddenly disappearing. Your blood becomes ice, piercing your veins as it glides through your body. Jungkook is a shadow now, you tell yourself. He didn’t really disappear.

Hoseok stumbles out of the woods behind Jungkook, the wind at his feet enabling him to run across the field faster than an average human.

At first, you think they’re just playing some silly game. Jungkook and Hoseok always mess around, pranking each other and playfighting. This seems like some elaborate joke until you watch Hoseok use his Gift to lift a giant chunk of concrete from the ground near the warehouse and throw it toward the woods.

You watch with wide eyes as multiple masked men, wearing all black except for the blood-red insignia of the Republic on their chests, crash through the woods like a spring flood.

Red Pin agents.

They’re armed with guns, some still on their hips while others are holding them out in front of them as they swarm the warehouse’s perimeter.

One of the men tilts his head up, his dark eyes locking with yours before you drop to your knees to hide behind the protective barrier around the roof.

You throw your bow over your arm and head so it rests across your chest and back and crawl as quickly as you can toward the trapdoor.

Your limbs tremble so terribly that you miss the last few rungs of the ladder and fall flat on your back, knocking the wind out of you. With a gasp, you touch the back of your head and try to blink away the stars swarming your eyes. When you bring your hand back, your fingers are coated red.

“Shit! Get up, Y/N. Get the fuck up!”

A pair of strong hands squeeze your biceps, and once your vision clears, you see that it’s Jessi hauling you to your feet. There are grease streaks on her face. You wonder if they’re from…

“The radio,” you croak, your lungs still struggling to work properly.

“It was fucking rigged,” she spits, “I don’t know how I couldn’t sense it. But it was.”

And now they are here to collect you - or kill you, you aren’t sure.

Maybe they would spare Jungkook. He has a Rare Gift; they would be stupid to harm him. The rest of you, though? Common Gifts - although Jessi’s is Uncommon, but certainly not Rare.

You feel lightheaded, likely from the fall and blood loss as it trickles down the back of your neck. It’s thick and wet. The smell of iron floods your nostrils and makes your stomach curl inward. It doesn’t matter, though. Jessi throws your arm around her shoulders and practically drags you through the warehouse.

Inside is a tornado. Namjoon and Hoseok are scrambling to gather as many supplies as they can. Luckily, many of the essential items are already packed, though Jessi quickly tosses out the radio from the duffle bag she flings over her shoulder.

“Stupid piece of fucking military bullshit,” she grumbles, giving the item a harsh kick with her steel-toed boots. “Gonna get us all fucking killed.”

Hoseok lets out a whine. “Please don’t say that.”

His face is bright pink, and his hands shake while he shoves clothes, random notes, and anything else he can find into his duffle bag.

“We need to get the fuck out of here,” Jessi growls in response. Her tone has Namjoon and Hoseok picking up the pace.

Somewhere below you, likely on the first floor, you hear the sound of glass breaking.

“Fuck,” Namjoon hisses. You don’t think you’ve ever heard him curse before, and in any other situation, you would have giggled. But right now, he looks so grim it makes all the hairs on your arms stand. “They’re inside.”

The sound of shouting and boots slapping against the concrete floors gets louder the longer the four of you stare at each other. Even Jessi, with her commanding presence, seems to stand frozen in place. The shouting becomes easier to understand as death threats if your group refuses to cooperate and willingly turn yourselves in to the government.

As if any of you would actually go back to the Labs. At least, not without a fight.

“If we stand here, we are going to die.” Your voice trembles just barely above a whisper. It’s enough, though.

Namjoon gives a curt nod and looks around the room you’re in - the room that was once your bedroom. Your little nest of blankets is in the corner, along with Jungkook’s and Jessi’s. The beds have been rifled through, likely by Namjoon and Hoseok collecting the warmest blankest to bring on the trip.

“The window,” Hoseok finally says with a quiet hiss. The warehouse is relatively large, so it will take some time for the Red Pin agents to figure out which room you’re in.

The four of you rush to the window and peer out of it. From what you can tell, there aren’t any Red Pin agents below. Even if there are, it would be a smaller number than is currently bulldozing through the warehouse.

It’s a long drop, though. You’re on the third floor.

“I’ll ease you down,” Hoseok insists. He props open the window and rests his hip against the wall. “Sit on the edge, with your feet out like that.” His fingers are delicate but firm as he positions Namjoon the way he needs him to be. Sweet Namjoon, willing to put his life in Hoseok’s hands and go first in case something terrible happens.

Hoseok’s hands shake as he uses his Gift to slow Namjoon’s fall when the other man finally jumps from the window.

Tears burn the corners of your eyes as you watch Jessi do the same as Namjoon. The two land on the ground roughly but without injury. Hoseok looks exhausted, likely from the pressure of not fucking up and less because of the exertion.

“Come on,” he urges you as the Red Pin agents’ shouting gets louder. “They’re close.”

You climb into the window, letting your legs dangle out the other side. Before Hoseok conjures a gentle breeze between his hands, you grab onto his wrist. Something is tugging at your chest; it has been since the moment you saw Hoseok and Jungkook escape from the woods.

“Hobi,” you hope he hears the plead in your voice. “Where is Yoongi?”

The way he grimaces shoots anxiety through you so severely that you feel your entire body jolt.

“He and Jungkook are down there.”

“Down there…”

“Figh-”

Hoseok cuts himself off by letting out a shrill shriek when Jungkook suddenly materializes beside you. He has a deep gash on his cheek, blood pouring from the wound, coating his chin and neck deep red. His hair is matted and stands up on end, and there’s more blood all over his clothes, enough that you can’t tell if the blood is from him or someone else.

“Get out,” he wheezes. When he grabs Hoseok’s arm, he leaves blotches of blood on his skin. “Hyung’s gonna blow it up.”

“Blow it up?” You hiss, twisting around to stare at Jungkook.

It’s a mistake.

His irises are dark and wide, so vast that his eyes are almost entirely black. It gives him a crazed look, like a wild animal backed into a corner with its teeth bared.

What’s worse, it’s not just his eyes that are black. The veins in his neck are black like dark spiderwebs climbing up his throat and spreading down so far that it reaches the raised veins in the backs of his hands. He looks like he’s possessed, like the darkness of his Gift is consuming him whole.

“Get out.”

Before you can argue further, you feel Jungkook’s palm press between your shoulder blades, and suddenly you’re falling out of the window.

When you open your eyes, you’re on the ground. Your upper body is propped up by Namjoon. His arms are wrapped around your torso, your back pulled against his chest to stabilize you. His chest rapidly raises and falls against you, but you hardly notice this. All you can focus on are the eyes staring back at you.

“You okay, kid?”

Yoongi looks much like Jungkook. Blood is splattered across his face and staining his clothes. His faded pink hair is plastered to his sweat-drenched skin. He crouches beside you and Namjoon, one hand pressed into the grass to keep himself steady.

From behind Yoongi, you can hear gunshots and screaming echoing through the warehouse. If Hell had a sound, you were sure it would be this.

You try to turn to look at the building you’d just jumped from, but Yoongi grabs your chin.

“Hey,” he lightly squeezes your cheeks. “As long as we’re together, you don’t gotta worry about anything. You remember that?”

You nod once Yoongi drops his hand from your face. You try not to shiver when the air blows against your now wet skin; try not to think about how your skin is now stained with someone else’s blood.

“Hyung!”

Yoongi turns toward the warehouse. Now that he’s distracted, he can’t stop you from peering around him to get a look at the building that you’ve made your home for the past five months.

What looks like black smoke furls around the building. From how the tendrils move like snakes through busted-out windows, you know it isn’t smoke but shadows. Through an open window, you watch one of the shadows slip around a Red Pin agent’s throat like a noose. It tightens and tightens, squeezing the man so hard his face turns purple and his eyes water.

Before you can witness more, your view is again obscured by Yoongi.

“Hyung!”

Jungkook’s shout sounds more desperate than the first, and you feel your heart constrict at the pained edge of his tone.

Yoongi must notice the desperation, as well, because he quickly grabs your hand. Fire swirls between his fingers as he presses his palm against yours.

“Yoongi, please-”

“You need to listen to me.”

He presses his hand against yours even harder, only letting up when you give in and summon little streams of water to intertwine with his fire. You don’t like how rushed your secret handshake feels.

“I need you to look after Jungkook. The kid’s stubborn as fuck, worse than you.”

“Why are you saying this?”

Yoongi’s gives you a small smile, lifting his hand to swipe his thumb against your cheek. The blood there mixes with the tears you hadn’t realized you’re shedding.

“Because it’s what I need you to do.”

Taking your face in his hands, Yoongi pulls you close to kiss your forehead. You feel Namjoon lift you to your feet when Yoongi lets go. Hoseok had cushioned your fall from the window, but you’re weak from blood loss and the exhaustion that fear can instill in the bones.

Before you can say anything more, Yoongi sprints toward the warehouse, disappearing through the backdoor and into the darkness that surrounds the building.

“Namjoon, let me go!” You scream as your friend squeezes his arms around your waist to haul you toward the woods. Jessi and Hoseok wait for you there, hidden within the trees, as the sounds of fighting and death from the warehouse get louder.

Your friend lets out a low grunt when you dig your heels into the ground, but he’s stronger than you, and the action only deters him for a moment. He lifts you a bit, practically carrying you.

Namjoon only stops when a flash of bright red light turns the entire industrial park dark for a split second before a deafening crash rings through the air. Even though your feet aren’t on the ground, you can feel the ground shake with the explosion that busts all the windows out of the warehouse. The entire building bursts into flames, turning the walls black. Balls of fire fly out of the broken windows, igniting the grass below.

You crumble to the ground once Namjoon reaches the woods.

“We have to go,” Hoseok pleads. When you look up at him, his cheeks are streaked with tear tracks, too.

Turning back to the fiery scene across the field, you watch a dark spot slither from shadow to shadow in the grass until it merges with your own shadow beside you on the ground. You tremble when Jungkook wraps his arms around your shoulders. His body is still crawling with dark veins, and the whites of his eyes are now entirely black.

“Where is he?”

You glare into Jungkook’s eyes and swallow down the fear they strike in your heart. Like black holes, ready to absorb anything unlucky enough to fall in their path.

The frown Jungkook wears intensifies.

“Jungkook. Where. Is. He.”

Jungkook closes his eyes and shakes his head, jaw clamped shut so tightly you can see the muscles ripple under his skin. When he opens them again, black tears pour from his empty eyes.

It’s like all the air is sucked out of your lungs, like a punch to the throat. You’re breathing in as hard as you can, as fast as you can, but nothing’s staying. Everything is too cold. You can feel the blood crusting on your skin, the throb in the back of your head. Black ash falls from the sky, further obstructing your ability to breathe.

Everything is too much.

“Get off of me.”

You try wiggling out from Jungkook’s grasp, but he doesn’t let go.

“We have to keep moving.”

“Get the fuck off of me!”

Jungkook lets you push him away. He leans back on his heels and watches you. Or, you think he is. It’s hard to tell where those black eyes look, but it doesn’t matter.

“Yoongi,” you moan, sagging forward to dig your fingers into the ground. You rip tufts of grass until all that’s left is dirt.

With closed fists, you beat into the now bare ground, over and over, until your knuckles split open, and Jungkook has to scoop you into his arms to stop you. Your fingers are raw and bloody, and you don’t feel any of it. Nothing at all. Just numb. Numbness spreads through your body like Jungkook’s black veins spread through his.

None of this is real.

“Jungkook,” you sob into the crook of his neck with your arms thrown around his shoulders. He holds you bridal style with one arm wrapped around your torso and the other under your legs.

“I know.”

“He’s coming back, right? How will he find us if we keep going?”

Jungkook tightens his hold on you, cradling you against his chest. You assume he’s following the group deeper into the woods, but your eyes are closed, and your face is buried in his neck. He smells like smoke and blood, but you all do now.

“Jungkook, he’s coming back, right?”

A wet sob cuts through the otherwise quiet woods somewhere in front of you. You think it’s Hoseok, but you can’t tell.

“This way,” Jessi whispers.

There’s shuffling, then only the sound of feet crunching dead leaves and snapping twigs. Jungkook jostles you slightly to adjust his grip on you, murmuring gentle apologies every time he does.

“How are you holding up?” This time it’s Namjoon. He sounds close, like he’s walking in line with Jungkook.

“I can keep us hidden until we’re deeper in, but then I’ll have to stop,” Jungkook says through gritted teeth, as though he doesn’t want to admit what he must say next. “I’m exhausted.”

“Want me to carry-”

“No.”

Jungkook barks his response with an aggression you’ve never heard from him. He squeezes you, almost protectively close to his chest, as Namjoon assures him everything is fine. It’s hard to focus on the men’s hushed voices when you waver in and out of consciousness.

Eventually, all you can see when your close your eyes is a flash of bright light, like fire engulfing your brain.

And then everything goes black.

SHELTER #2

Hoseok’s hands shake as he holds the flint rock in one and the steel knife in the other. Twigs snap beneath his boots as he adjusts his squat. Each fidget draws your attention despite your desire to keep your eyes off the sight of Hoseok struggling.

After three failed attempts at creating a spark, Jessi quickly snatches the items from Hoseok’s grasp and kneels beside the fire pit.

“You’re gonna fucking stab yourself,” she grumbles, though she, too, struggles the first few tries. Eventually, the little pile of tinder ignites, filling the circle of rocks you’d gathered with a hot fire whose heat licks at your ankles.

Namjoon fists your jacket sleeve and drags you backward, nearly toppling you over and making the wet grass stain the butt of your pants a dark green.

It rained today. You can’t help but wonder if it washed away the blood and soot from the warehouse or if more Red Pin agents will show up and find evidence of what happened there.

“You’re sitting too close.”

“I’m cold.”

“You’re too close, Y/N.”

You glare at Namjoon, opening your mouth to retort that you’re an adult who can take care of yourself when a sob cuts through the tension between you.

Hoseok shudders with each heave of his shoulders, nearly folding in on himself, with his elbows on his knees and his palms pressed against his eyes.

“Hyung,” Namjoon calls out; his voice barely registers over Hoseok’s crying.

“It makes me think of him.” It’s all Hoseok says, all he needs to say.

Namjoon and Jessi’s expressions crumple like Hoseok’s body in the dirt. You watch them lock eyes with each other, something silent and private passing between them. You don’t know why, but it pisses you off. It shouldn’t, though.

Something dark and sick is growing inside you, this angry mass doubling in size every time someone cries for Yoongi. He was your best friend. He found you, saved you, and helped you see that there was more to life. The rest of them don’t get it. Yoongi didn’t mean to them what he meant to you.

Attempting to hoard grief all to yourself isn’t fair to you or the rest of your group, but you want to do it anyway. You want to be selfish because you feel you deserve the right to hurt the most. The rest of them don’t get it.

Rather than voice your frustration, you bite your bottom lip and dig your fingers into the dirt, winding up your whole body into a tight fist that’s not quite ready to spring but prepared all the same. If you let yourself loose, you know you’ll say something you shouldn’t – something you know you don’t actually mean and that you’ll regret, if not tomorrow, then ten years from now. Assuming you survive that long.

For now, survival should be the only thing on your mind.

The fire sputters slightly. A section of the tinder is wet from the morning’s rain. You hold out your hand, palm facing the sky, and wait.

Hoseok’s sobs have subsided by the time you’ve drawn the moisture out of the wet wood. It sits in a small pool of water in your palm. A reckless part of you wants to plunge your hand into the fire, but you spread your fingers apart instead. The water falls through your fingers and soaks into the grass.

The fire’s crackling overpowers the silence that blankets the four of you. Each of you stares deep into its flames, streaks of orange burning in your eyes. You wonder if Jungkook’s invisibility shield (“Optical illusion, guys.”) is strong enough to hide the fire. You’d never thought to ask if he can maintain the shield when he’s not even around.

Twigs snapping in the distance make you reach for the knife sticking out of the ground beside you. Hoseok doesn’t seem concerned by the sound, but his sense of smell as the air carries it to him may be compromised from all the crying. His nose has been running since your group left the warehouse.

You haven’t cried since you woke up inside the first abandoned shelter Taehyung mentioned would be on your path to the Commune. Even if you wanted to cry, you wouldn’t be able to. The part of your chest where the sobs should come from just feels empty.

The rustling in the woods increases until you hear the sound of someone clearing their throat.

Jungkook emerges from the darkness with a satchel – Yoongi’s satchel – thrown across his chest and a stone bowl in his arms.

“Rabbit. I skinned them already. I thought you guys might not wanna see…” Jungkook trails off when his bright eyes fall on Hoseok’s tear-stained face. With a quiet sigh, he crouches beside the fire and slides the satchel off, handing it to Namjoon.

“Fruits,” he mumbles, not looking in Namjoon’s direction once the older man takes the bag from him. Instead, and unsurprisingly, Jungkook’s eyes are on you.

You look away. There’s too much in those eyes, full of constellations of stories you’re too weak to learn. Bending your knees, you draw your legs against your chest and hug them, returning your gaze to the fire while Jungkook prepares to cook the meat and Namjoon handles the other food.

Yoongi asked you to look after Jungkook, but it’s he who has taken care of the group. Namjoon seems too busy fussing over Hoseok, and you know you aren’t any help. Jessi is the leader by default now that Yoongi isn’t here to take charge. She’s strong and has kept the group on a tight schedule. You know it’s her way of coping. There’s no time to lose herself in mourning if she charges ahead. Having an end goal gives her purpose.

If only you knew what yours was.

SHELTER #3

Your feet sink into the ground with each step you take. The sand feels soft between your toes as you wiggle them, watching the little black grains roll across your skin and make your toes disappear. Your steps halt just before you reach the water’s edge, where bright orange waves lap at the black shore. The shore stretches in both directions, a black stripe for as far as you can see. A ghost of a memory tickles your brain. Jack-o’-lanterns lit by tealight candles, and the smell of cinnamon.

Suddenly, the orange waves kick up in speed, crashing against the shore more violently. The force causes black sand to spray into the air. You can taste it in your mouth, feel it gritty against your teeth and harsh on your tongue.

You try to lift your hands to cover your face, but you find that you can’t. They’re trapped to your sides by long vines that wrap around your wrists and dive deep into the sand, rooting you in place. You try to pull out of the vines’ grasp. Thorns dig into your skin so deeply that black blood oozes from the jagged puncture wounds the thorns leave behind.

“Don’t struggle.”

The voice brings stillness to the whirlwind of sand and the crash of waves.

You already know who it is, but your body still feels surprised when Yoongi takes slow steps toward you from the other end of the shore. He’s dressed in a flowy white shirt and loose white pants. When you look down, you realize you’re matching.

“What do I do?”

Yoongi ignores your question. His fingers run along your forearm, his index finger dipping into one of the holes in your wrist, still dripping black blood. It doesn’t hurt, even though you know it should.

Dark cat eyes examine the black that stains his fingers. After another silent minute, Yoongi wipes your blood on the front of his shirt. You don’t know why you’re worried that he’ll ruin it.

“Jungkookie is here.”

“What?”

Yoongi walks toward the orange ocean. You scramble to keep up, but the sand grabs your ankles and pulls you back every time you step forward.

“Yoongi! Wait for me!”

“You don’t need me anymore. This is a good thing.”

Your friend nods his head before stepping into the water. The moment his foot touches the orange waves, the entire ocean bursts into flames.

“Yoongi!” You shriek, running as fast as possible, but the sand won’t let you go. It sucks you down until you’re up to your knees in the soft grains trapped in the hold of the shore. Your brain knows it’s hopeless, but your body keeps struggling even though Yoongi told you not to.

Suddenly, you feel rough hands grab your arms, and you’re being pulled into the sand, the grains filling your mouth and nose until your lungs are full and you can’t breathe.

“Hey, hey, shhh, it’s okay.”

Fingers trail along your hairline, dragging down the length of your face and tracing your jaw. Rather than cold sand, you feel something solid and warm wrap around your body.

“Breathe. In and out, okay? Inhale… exhale… I got you. It’s okay. I got you.”

As your body returns to you, you realize your face is pressed against smooth skin. You can taste salt on your lips, but no sand. When you blink, your eyelids feel heavy and wet.

You’re crying. Sobbing, actually.

“I miss him, too. So fucking much.”

Jungkook is crying, too. His voice remains steady, though. He’s always so steady now. The shy, fumbling boy of the warehouse is no more. In the time since the Red Pin attack, Jungkook changed. You all did, but he seems to have changed the most. His eyes still hold the stars, but the darkness seems… deeper now. His aura has lost its boyishness.

The abandoned building where your group has taken refuge is dark, only lit by the moonlight filtering through the slotted windows. You think it may have once been a cabin for a couple or small family.

Jungkook cradles you in his lap. The two of you are wrapped in thick blankets, cocooned away from the world.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper.

Jessi is asleep in the corner of the room, while Namjoon and Hoseok have made their beds in the room across the hall. You’re all accustomed to loud noises at night. Nearly all of you have suffered from night terrors at some point.

“It’s okay. You’ve had to listen to me cry in my sleep, too,” Jungkook points out with a small smile.

It’s a breathtaking smile. Jungkook’s cheeks shine with fresh tears, but his bunny teeth poke out, and his eyes crease with the sincerity in that smile. It warms the empty parts of your chest – like hot tea poured into a cool mug. Perhaps the odd feeling in your stomach is similar to the bubble of water boiling.

“You’re cute when you cry. I’m an ugly crier,” you sniff. It’s stupid to say, but you don’t want to think about how sad you all are.

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am. All the boogers and the dumb faces I make.”

Jungkook shakes his head. His hair is getting long again.

“I think you’re beautiful.”

“Don’t lie,” you try to joke, but your voice comes out small and unsure rather than teasing.

“I would never lie to you.”

As if to seal the promise, Jungkook presses his lips against your forehead in a kiss. Your fingers ache from how tightly you squeeze the fabric of his shirt into your fists.

Every day you trudge through the woods in search of the Commune, and every day you live in fear of the Red Pins finding you once again. But being in Jungkook’s lap, face nuzzling the crook of his neck, his strong arms holding you against his chest… It’s the only time you genuinely feel safe.

SHELTER #4

“When was the last time,” Jungkook pauses to pull his shirt over his head, “you took a bath?”

Your eyes roam the expanse of his broad chest, the dips and valleys of his abdomen, and the sparse dark hairs disappearing into the waistband of his pants. You’ve seen Jungkook shirtless before. It’s a treat every time, although you feel a twinge of guilt from looking now. Running along his ribcage is an extended cut, red with scabs. Jessi did her best to stitch Jungkook up with whatever she had in the supplies Namjoon and Hoseok snatched before you fled the warehouse. It’s a pretty nasty wound, but it seems to be healing well. Part of you wonders if exposing it to lake water is a good idea, but you keep the thought to yourself. Jungkook is tired of everyone babying him. He hasn’t told you as much, but you can tell.

“I’m too ashamed to answer that question.”

“You and me both,” Jungkook snorts.

He removes the harness strapped around his thigh, taking the large knife off along with it. After the Red Pin attack, you now know how pointless it is to carry any weapon other than a gun. However, none of you have guns, though you still believe your Gifts are better than any human-made weaponry.

“Too bad we don’t have, like, soap��and shit,” you grumble, stomping a cluster of wild mushrooms growing along the bank of the lake you’d found.

Jungkook’s tattooed fingers play with his belt buckle while his big, brown eyes flit up to meet yours.

“Sorry!” You rush to apologize and turn your back to him. Heat creeps up your neck, spreading across your cheeks and biting at your ears’ tips.

Your discomfort worsens when you hear a quiet chuckle rumble from Jungkook. There’s the rustle of clothes and, soon after, a light splash that tells you he has eased himself into the lake.

“You’re good.”

When you turn around, Jungkook isn’t facing you. He dips his head back to wet his hair, running his fingers through it a few times before righting himself again, still facing away from you. The water reaches his lower back when he’s standing, but you can tell he is crouching slightly because the gentle waves lap higher up on his back. It’s not dirty water since the lake has a fresh stream feeding it, which ensures that the water isn’t stagnant, but it’s murky enough from the plants growing at the bottom that you can’t make out the rest of Jungkook’s body. Not that you want to, considering he’s naked.

Thankful for the privacy, you quickly strip out of your clothes and step into the water. You keep a respectful distance between you, choosing not to drift too far into deeper water. You much prefer to at least touch the sandy bottom with your tiptoes.

Slipping deep enough that only your head remains above water, you watch Jungkook as he uses an old rag to scrub his arms. You’re both disgustingly grimy.

“Lucky we found this place,” you think aloud as you begin to work on scrubbing down yourself, as well.

“We are.”

“Jungkook. You can look now.”

His head snaps up, gaze locking with yours for a split second before he averts his eyes again. You’re close enough to see pink bloom across his face.

You clear your throat to fill the silence when he says nothing. Part of you thought it might spur him to talk, but the tension between you remains.

You’re not sure when it first developed. Part of you knows it has always been there, perhaps dormant or less noticeable. Much of it falls back on Jungkook’s behavior, you think as you watch him slide the rag down his chest. The tension has always lived in the dark expanse of his eyes and how he searches for you, always you, maybe without even realizing it himself. It’s gotten worse since you’ve started waking up every morning wrapped in his arms and nuzzling his neck.

“What’s the first thing you want to do when we get to the Commune?” Jungkook finally speaks. When he does, you force yourself to drop your gaze, focusing intently on continuing to wash yourself to the best of your ability with the lack of soap.

“Eat food that isn’t rabbit, hopefully.”

“Hey!”

A giant splash of water hits you in the face. You gasp, rushing to wipe away the droplets clinging to your eyelashes.

“F–fuck you!” You sputter.

“It’s not my fault rabbits are the easiest things to catch around here. I’m doing my best!”

Another splash slaps into you. It isn’t hard enough to sting, but it’s a splash all the same.

“You’re real dumb if you think you can start a splashing war with someone who has a water Gift,” you challenge.

“I’m not scared of you,” Jungkook sticks out his tongue after he challenges you.

All it takes is a flick of your wrist and a wave higher than most nearby trees descend on Jungkook. It doesn’t ever reach him, though. The sheer panic that contorts his face is enough to warm your body with evil satisfaction. You gently let the wave descend into the lake, barely kicking up enough to splash Jungkook against the chest.

“I showed you mercy. You’re welcome, young man.”

Jungkook lets out a loud snort, eyes rolling into the back of his head in defiance. “You’re insane.”

“You provoke me.”

You don’t like how high his eyebrows arch, unable to decipher what an expression like that is supposed to mean.

“I provoke you? In what way?”

You narrow your eyes at him. “You literally did it just now.”

Jungkook straightens up a little. The action makes more of his torso rise from the water. You can’t help but drop your eyes to the water level that has fallen so dangerously low on his hips.

When your gaze finally returns to his face, Jungkook is wearing an exaggerated pout.

“I’m innocent.”

“Pfft,” you scoff.

By this point, your fingers are starting to get wrinkly, and the position you’re standing in to ensure your whole body is covered in the water is becoming uncomfortable. You’re just about to tell Jungkook that you’re done playing games – that the two of you need to hurry up before the rest of your group gets worried about you being gone for too long – when the man disappears.

“Oh my god, Jungkook-ah, why?”

Your eyes dart around the lake, eyeing each shadow suspiciously. You don’t think you see Jungkook’s actual body underwater, so all you can guess is that he’s doing his creepy crawly shadow-walking just to bother you.

“This is doing the exact opposite of proving that you’re innoce–” You interrupt yourself with a loud gasp when you feel fingers squeeze your bare hips.

“Boo,” Jungkook deadpans, but his face quickly cracks into a smile.

You want to laugh at yourself for being so easily startled, to match Jungkook’s joyfulness, but all you can focus on is the feeling of his fingertips pressing into your skin.

“Jungkook…”

“Hm?”

He’s absentminded as his gaze drops down to stare at your lips. You automatically lick them, almost on instinct, unable to stop yourself. Jungkook follows your lead, though he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth instead of settling his face. If that action didn’t already make your stomach twist into a knot, the darkness of Jungkook’s gaze does.

“I…” Jungkook rubs slow circles into your hips with his thumbs, following the curve of your hip bone and effectively interrupting your thoughts.

You don’t know who leans in first, but it doesn’t really matter. The moment Jungkook’s lips connect with yours, it’s as though your brain completely empties.

It’s a hesitant kiss, just a light press of Jungkook’s closed mouth against yours. He grows bolder when you don’t pull away, parting his lips slightly. He nibbles at your bottom lip, prompting you to part yours as well, allowing him to slot your lips together.

You bring your hands up to squeeze Jungkook’s biceps, coaxing a slight whine from him when your nails lightly dig into his skin. The sound is gentle but needy, making your skin prickle with goosebumps. You’ve never heard Jungkook sound like that, never heard anyone sound like that.

You’ve never even kissed anyone before.

It’s not what you expected, though you haven’t spent much time thinking about physical intimacy. Being trapped in the Labs, it never seemed like something you’d have the privilege of exploring. Once you escaped, there was only one person you ever thought about being intimate with – and even then, it was far more wholesome than this, you now realize. This… is different.

Jungkook trembles, and you feel his hands flex against your hips as he tilts his head to the side, deepening the kiss.

A few times, the two of you fumble, noses bumping into each other and teeth nipping a bit too hard. It makes you wonder if this is Jungkook’s first kiss, too. You decide it doesn’t matter if it is. It’s warm and soft, and Jungkook tastes sweet, like the berries Hoseok picked earlier today. You’re dizzy; Jungkook stealing the air from your lungs. Your body screams for you to pull away, but you cling to him tighter.

Something firm brushing against your inner thigh brings you back to reality. You nearly jump out of Jungkook’s grasp, chest heaving and fingers trembling beneath the water.

“I’m sorry,” Jungkook hurries to speak before you do.

Before you can say anything in return – though you’re not sure what you want to say – Jungkook is gone. All that’s left are his clothes still neatly folded on the grass beside the lake and a thrum of excitement beating through your body to the tune of guilt and shame.

Kissing Jungkook felt good. And that is why it can never happen again.

SHELTER #5

If you ever told Jessi that you see her as a mother figure, she would probably kill you. You consider this as she wields a machete, hacking away at the brush that blocks your path as you continue toward the Commune. The muscles in her bicep and shoulders flex with each swing. It’s sexy and terrifying, and you can only admire her strength when the rest of your group is floundering.

The guys trail behind, practically dragging their feet. It’s Jungkook’s fault (and maybe yours, but you won’t think about that).

Ever since the kiss, Jungkook has avoided you. You haven’t interacted with each other in days, aside from the cuddles you share at night when nightmares overtake you.

Hoseok and Namjoon have also noticed the shift in his behavior, though they believe it’s grief causing him to distance himself from the group. They hang back, letting you and Jessi march forward, so they can talk and do whatever boys do to cheer each other up when the world is falling apart.

You try not to think about it too much, but Jessi and her motherly instincts don’t let you know peace.

“Yoongi wouldn’t want us to be so fucking sad all the time.” Jessi lets out a grunt as she hacks at a particularly thick tree branch blocking your path. “If he was here right now, he’d kick all of our asses with a quickness.”

She’s right; it goes without saying.

Letting her arm fall to her side, Jessi uses her free hand to wipe away the sweat that collects on her forehead and drips down the side of her face. She looks at you like she’s waiting for you to do something. The expression makes you feel uneasy.

“What?”

“Did you even hear the shit I was saying?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then, what’re you gonna do about it?”

You scrunch your eyebrows together. “About what?”

Jessi lets out a frustrated huff and again brings the machete down on the tree branch. It splinters and breaks, providing enough weakness for Jessi to stomp down on it with a steel-toed boot.

“Did you and Jungkook fuck?”

“What?!”

When you gasp, you’re sure you inhale a bug, sucking it right down your throat and probably into your fucking lungs for all you know. It sparks a terrible coughing fit that makes Jessi pause to slap you between the shoulder blades a few times.

“Why–” you heave, tears in your eyes, “why would you think that?”

Jessi pushes forward through the forest brush with a roll of her eyes.

“It’s obvious there’s something going on. The poor boy’s moping around after you like a lovesick puppy. Even worse than usual.”

If you weren’t already sweating your ass off, you would be heating up from Jessi’s astute observations.

“I don’t know what you're–”

“Aish, fucking save it, babe,” Jessi interrupts you with a wave of the hand that isn’t holding the machete. “All I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to feel good. Life is fucked as it is. Stop ruining good things for yourself and live as best as you can in the circumstances we got, alright?”

She gives you a stern look from the side, a look that you quickly try to avoid by ducking your head down. Suddenly, the ground is fascinating.

“I’m fine.”

“Right, and I don’t have a fat ass.”

“Really!” You insist. The desperation in your voice is pathetic and telling.

“Yoongi would want you to live, hun. I know he would. And you wanna know how I know?”

There isn’t a need to say anything; once Jessi has her mind set on something, she sees it through until the end.

“There wasn’t a fox in the woods. It was a Red Pin scout.” She gives you a pointed look. “But ignorance is bliss, and he wanted you to be happy. He wanted you to live without more fear, so he didn’t tell you. So do whatever you need to do to fix things with Jungkook and be fucking happy.”

You fall behind as Jessi speeds up, the path much clearer now than it had been just a few feet before. The guys are still meandering further back, so you fall somewhere in the middle, close enough to see everyone at either end but far enough that you can be alone with your thoughts without interruption.

Jessi is right, but it feels wrong to let yourself feel good. How can you be happy when Yoongi isn’t here? There is a bit of survivor’s guilt clutching at your heart, but most of your struggle is from the pain of simply not having Yoongi around. Being happy feels like it would be a betrayal of some kind.

Yoongi would disagree. He would give you that gummy smile and poke you in the ribs until you cry, and then he would tell you that you’re being an idiot.

With a sigh, you break into a light jog to catch up with Jessi, Yoongi’s voice echoing for the millionth time in your head.

You and Jungkook.

COMFORT

You are ashamed to admit that you take longer to apologize to Jungkook than Yoongi took to apologize you to.

In fact, you never apologize to Jungkook before your group makes it to the Commune. It never seemed like the right opportunity came. There was always someone else around, or Jungkook looked exceptionally sad, or you told yourself you would say something once he woke up but got caught up watching how beautiful he looks when he sleeps cuddled against you every night.

It’s always tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. The thing about tomorrow is that it always comes until it doesn’t.

And then suddenly, you’re all stumbling into a clearing in the woods that leads to what looks like a hole in the trees, and there is magic dancing in your bones that pulls your thoughts away from anything but the man who stands to greet you.

Kim Taehyung is not what you expected from the leader of a notorious Gifted runaway commune that has evaded the authorities for years. Admittedly, you had few expectations – too busy worrying about surviving the trek to think about what the man would look like when he finally greeted you. Still, it’s a lot to process.

“Welcome, my little Gifts!”

The lithe man stretches his long arms out as wide as his wingspan will let him. Your group exchanges looks when Taehyung doesn’t move, his eyebrows arched as he waits.

The six of you stand at the Commune entrance, marked by two trees manipulated into forming a magical-looking arch. Large flower bushes and more trees flank the arch, hiding whatever may lie within the Commune. Try as you might, as you peer over Jessi’s shoulder, you can’t see through the thicket.

Taehyung lets out a quiet sigh, but his arms don’t seem to tire. He wiggles his fingers as though he’s beckoning you into his arms. The movements, although small, make the numerous gold bracelets that line his wrists clink together like wind chimes. He wears loose slacks and an oversized white silk shirt. A knitted shawl with intricate patterns stitched into it in earth tones hangs over his broad shoulders. The tassels sway in the wind. You don’t know how, but he smells like summer.

“Do you not seek comfort?”

A loud whimper erupts from the middle of your huddle, and suddenly Jungkook pushes past Jessi and Namjoon. He stumbles the few steps it takes to reach Taehyung.

“Jungkook-ah,” Jessi whisper-yells, but it’s too late. Jungkook has his face buried in Taehyung’s chest, a sob tearing through his body.

“Shhh, my little Gift, you are home.”

Taehyung keeps his eyebrows arched, giving the rest of your group a pointed look. It takes hardly a second before Hoseok follows Jungkook, launching himself into Taehyung’s embrace with such power you’re shocked the Commune leader manages to stay upright. Hoseok’s cries harmonize with Jungkook’s until Namjoon eventually joins.

Never one to open up about sadness, Jessi stares down the Commune leader with a challenging look that would make the bravest soldiers shit themselves – and yet Taehyung merely smiles the strangest, most charming smile you’ve ever seen.

Before you know it, you’re standing alone because Jessi has a singular tear sliding down her round cheek, and Taehyung has one arm curling her against his chest, too.

Comfort.

It’s funny, isn’t it? Funny that we want it, crave it, even from a complete stranger. Comfort provides no solution to our problems and is even sometimes used to avoid problems altogether. You have known little comfort since Jungkook carried you away from the warehouse.

Okay then, what’re you gonna do about it?

You meet Jessi’s gaze, and the realization hits you that this is the first time you’ve seen her cry.

“Be happy, Y/N.” If Jessi speaks out loud, you can’t hear her but can read her mouth clearly.

It’s like something shatters in your chest. It’s shocking; you were convinced nothing was left inside to break. But when Taehyung finally lowers both arms to wrap them around your group – yourself included – no pain or sadness plagues your heart. You feel strangely at peace. Taehyung’s summer scent envelopes you. It’s freshly-cut grass, sea salt, and cherry blossoms. Warmth spreads from the man, what you imagine it feels like to be a plant absorbing nutrients from the sun.

“Thank you for trusting me,” Taehyung speaks softly. “This is my Gift, and it makes my heart happy to share it with you today.”

You remember that Taehyung is a healer Gifted when he gently extricates himself from what became a group hug that lasted for eternity.

“Are we feeling better now?”

You all find yourselves nodding. Taehyung beams at that. He claps his hands together, startling Hoseok into a small giggle.

“Wonderful!” Taehyung turns on his heel, his shawl billowing out behind him as he swiftly crosses the archway. “Now, come with me. We have many things to take care of!”

Your group hurries to keep up with the man who’s all legs. Beyond the arch, the Commune is more like a small village than whatever tent city you’d expected. Little houses similar to the abandoned ones your group found refuge in on the way here line the dirt paths – except these are full of life. Odd markings are painted on the brick and concrete buildings, all in the bright colors of summer: sunny yellows, healthy greens, and vibrant pinks.

You notice that in the doorway of every building is a small basket, sometimes more than one, resting on the ground. Some are full of items you can’t quite make out because Taehyung is walking so quickly that you don’t have time to peek into any of them.

“I can’t quite remember how many there are of us,” Taehyung says over his shoulder as he leads you down a road lined with shops. There’s clothing, produce, and other wares for sale. You feel embarrassed by how your mouth waters simply from seeing an apple. “I would say at least three hundred, but Seokjin hyung would know better. He’s the brains of all this. I’m merely the handsome face of the operation.”

“Yah, I heard that, Kim Taehyung!”

“Oh, so you heard me singing your praises, hyung?”

Taehyung leads you to what you guess is the center of the Commune by the way the buildings form a half circle around a grassy quad. In the middle of the quad, there is a large pile of tinder – tree branches, dead grass and hay, planks of wood, and other items stacked on top of each other to build what will most likely be a giant bonfire from the looks of it.

The man known as Seokjin approaches your group just to shove Taehyung’s shoulder with his own. “I am both the brains and the beauty, thank you very much. You can be second-best.”

“You’re demoting me? In front of our new friends?” Taehyung pouts.

Seokjin twists his broad torso to get a good look at your ragtag team of misfits. Facing this new man’s beauty head-on, you are quickly reminded of how disgusting you all probably look and smell, having fought through the woods for weeks without even a proper bath.

Even though you all look like hell, Seokjin beams just as Taehyung had.

“Oh good, you didn’t run away!”

You feel Jessi tense beside you. “Why the fuck would we run away?”

“Taehyung is insufferable, that’s why.”

“Hey!” The leader shoves his friend much harder than his friend had shoved him. “You’re so grumpy. Do you need a hug?”

Seokjin swats at Taehyung. “Don’t you have things to do? Summer is here soon. Go make daisy chains or something. Jimin and I will take care of our new friends.”

“Daisy chains?” You blurt out in question as Taehyung wiggles his fingers at your group in a goodbye. In the blink of an eye, he’s gone, disappearing into the crowds of people going about their day in the Commune. You’ve never seen so many Gifteds, free and all together, in your life.

Seokjin hums, beckoning your group to follow him deeper into the Commune.

“In a few days, it will be the First of Summer. I assume you all have never celebrated Summer?”

You find it odd that Seokjin speaks of the season as though it’s a holiday. When no one responds, he lets out a long sigh.

“You’ve missed out on so much, trapped like lab rats.” He spits the end of his sentence. It’s in anger at the research facilities rather than a judgment of you, but it makes your heart sting just the same. You wish Taehyung was here.

Leading you to a three-story building that looks similar to a warehouse or an office building, with plain concrete walls decorated with more colorful markings, Seokjin pauses to let your group enter the front door first.

“This is my home,” Seokjin welcomes your group. “My husband and I sleep on the first floor, but there are a few empty guest rooms on the second and third. Newcomers tend to stay with us until we’ve built them their own homes.”

“That’s so generous of you, Seokjin,” Hoseok speaks up for the first time. The crackle in his voice tells you he’s still on the verge of tears, but he smiles when you turn to look at him.

“Please, call me hyung if you’d like.” Seokjin smiles.

Taehyung and Seokjin’s use of honorifics warms your heart, even though you don’t have the same emotional attachment to the custom as the others. When you look out of the corner of your eye, you see Jungkook smile at the honorific, too.

“We’ll get your rooms situated, but first, are you hungry?”

“Fuck yes,” Jessi groans.

The group and Seokjin laugh when you ask, “Do you have anything besides rabbit?”

In the kitchen, your group meets Seokjin’s husband, Jimin, a fire Gifted. When Jimin pulls you into a tight hug, tears prickle in the corners of your eyes because his body burns, and he smells faintly of smoke, just like Yoongi.

While chomping away at fresh vegetables and meat that isn’t rabbit, you learn that Seokjin is the legendary cosmic Gifted you only half-heartedly believed to be real. His ability to bend time and space wipes the Commune off the radar, ensuring the Red Pins never find it. Despite his large personality, he seems too shy to demonstrate his Gift, even as Jimin pesters him.

They’re cute, Seokjin and Jimin. They fuss over your group as though they are your parents, making sure that you each get a turn taking a shower and that you have enough blankets and pillows in your bedrooms. Hoseok, Namjoon, and Jungkook share one, while you and Jessi share another. Jimin apologizes profusely about not being able to provide you with your own bedrooms, which you all dismiss.

“We anticipate a few additional newcomers soon; I’m so sorry we don’t have enough room to spread out,” Jimin bemoans as he plays with his fingers.

“Are you kidding?” Namjoon teases with a smile that crinkles his eyes. “We’ve been living in an abandoned warehouse for months.”

“Sleeping on the floor gave me fucking arthritis, and I’m barely thirty,” Jessi chimes in.

“That’s not how that works.”

“Fuck off, Jungkook-ah. Tell that to my broken back.”

Jimin looks appalled by your previous living situation, making your group joke around more. Laugh through the pain, right? It’s a coping mechanism you’ve all done a decent job of perfecting. Sometimes being alive is enough to laugh about because, well, at least you’re alive.

After a whirlwind of a day getting settled into Seokjin and Jimin’s home, you can finally ease your bones into a real bed with a thick, fluffy mattress and clean sheets. Your tummy is full of delicious food, your body clean and well-moisturized thanks to Jimin’s homemade skincare products, and you finally allow yourself to sink into the one thing you’ve been scared to find: comfort.

Just before sleep overtakes you, you hear a quiet, almost timid, knock at the door. You wrack your brain, thinking about who it could be and why they need you. It feels like too much effort to get out of bed when you’ve only just been able to relax, so you call out to the person on the other side of the door.

“Hi.”

Jungkook’s wide eyes peer at you through the dark, a sliver of moonlight peeking through the window blinds highlighting parts of his face.

“Hi,” you say, pausing to quietly clear your throat. “What’s up?”

“Can’t sleep.”

Your heart feels like it will fly out of your chest when Jungkook hesitantly steps into your bedroom. You watch him eye Jessi’s sleeping form in the bed on the opposite side of the room, perhaps weighing the pros and cons of being in the room if she wakes up.

Apparently accepting the risk, Jungkook scurries over to stand beside your bed.

“Can I sleep with you?”

It’s the most Jungkook has spoken to you since he fled the lake. His request shouldn’t make your stomach flip with nerves; you’ve cuddled together every night since your first nightmare about Yoongi. So it should be easy when you respond,

“Of course.”

You quickly scoot over to give Jungkook room when he slips beneath the sheets.

“Thank you,” he whispers into the dark.

Holding out your arms, you encourage Jungkook to curl against your side, a position you usually take, but something tells you that Jungkook needs this more than you do. Part of your assumption is due to the timid, gentle boy who entered your bedroom – a different person than the one you watched murder multiple Red Pins at the warehouse with frightening ease.

He’s still the same, though, deep down, a lonely boy with nothing to his name, just like the rest of you.

Jungkook stays quiet while you run your fingers through his hair. You’re reminded of the promise you were supposed to make to Yoongi, the one about taking care of Jungkook. It’s time for you to finally fulfill that promise, and you already know what the first step should be.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize softly. “I don’t like not talking to you.”

And it hurts more than you realize. Saying it out loud makes it real, this scary uncertainty in your relationship that you’ve never experienced before. Jungkook has always been there – a steady comfort to fall back on, soft eyes to search for in moments tainted with fear and grief. Not having Jungkook in your life… It’s unfathomable.

“I’m sorry, too,” Jungkook whispers into the crook of your neck.

You’re not sure what he’s sorry for, though you remind yourself that a relationship is a two-way street. The two of you should have talked rather than dance around each other. Even now, you’re not really talking. You want to bring it up – the kiss. What it means for him. What it means for you. Why it happened in the first place. If it’s… okay, okay to like how soft Jungkook’s lips had felt on yours and how sweet he’d tasted. Okay to feel an unfamiliar heat spread throughout your body, starting at his fingers gripping your waist.

“I’m sorry I did it without asking first,” Jungkook elaborates after a few minutes of silence.

Even though he doesn’t say what it is, you don’t need him to spell it out before you reply, “It’s okay.”

“It’s not, though.”

You shiver when Jungkook’s lips brush against your neck as he talks. His breath is cold, even though his body is warm. You wonder if it’s the darkness inside of him seeping out when he breathes.

“I swear, it is. I forgive you. We both kinda went for it, right?” You say with an awkward laugh.

“I’m not sorry about doing it.” Jungkook squeezes you tighter, but you’re already holding your breath. “I’d do it again.”

His confession is whispered so quietly you likely wouldn’t have heard him if it weren’t for the fact that his lips brush your neck just below your ear.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Jungkook’s lips travel higher. You close your eyes and let out a shuddered breath when his lips brush against your earlobe.

It’s getting harder to relax, your body completely rigid and your breathing on the verge of frantic as Jungkook drags his nose down the length of your neck. The touch sends tingling sensations across your body. A strange feeling, like your stomach is flipping around inside of you, consumes you. His nose on your skin tickles, but it’s somehow more than just a tickle. It feels… good. Makes your stomach tense and heat spread, chasing after the goosebumps.

“Goodnight,” Jungkook finally whispers into the crook of your neck.

It takes you a long time to fall asleep.

THE EVE

Apparently, the First of Summer is something to celebrate at the Commune. It seems as though everyone has a task to complete on the Eve of the holiday to get all the preparations in order, even you and your misfit crew.

“Our Gifts are at their strongest during the Summer; haven’t you noticed?”

Jimin flutters around like a hummingbird, gracefully darting between about a dozen small baskets lined up in the grass beside his home. The fire Gifted places a variety of items in the baskets: flower bouquets, fruits and vegetables wrapped in protective cloths, and other little trinkets and handmade presents.

“Is that so?” Namjoon perks up from where he’d been watching a line of ants march into a small anthill. He sits in the grass next to you and Jessi while Jungkook and Hoseok stand closer to where Jimin flits around.

“Mhm. We are more in tune with the Seasons compared to humans.”

Jessi scoffs, “We are humans.”

Cradling a bouquet of tiger lilies in one hand, Jimin puts his other hand on his hip. It’s supposed to be sassy and, perhaps, stern, but he just comes off as adorable in your eyes.

“We are not humans.”

“Then what are we?”

With a huff, Jimin gently places the flowers in a basket that’s nearly full.

“We are Gifts from Nature. Don’t you feel it? The Earth flows through our veins, Jessi. She broke pieces off herself to gift to us; pieces of the Universe exist inside of us. Humans don’t have that.”

There mustn’t be a good comeback for such lofty talk because Jessi remains quiet after Jimin finishes speaking. You don’t blame her; the perspective Jimin offers isn’t one you’ve ever heard of before. Everyone talks about Gifteds as mutants, genetic abominations. It’s scientific and clinical, although no scientist has figured out how or why Gifteds exist.

Jimin’s perspective sounds like… magic. You decide that you quite like the idea that some omnipresent entity chose to give up parts of herself to make you special, a lot more than believing you’re an unnatural freak.

“What are these for?” Hoseok asks, bending at the waist to peer into one of the baskets.

“They’re gifts,” Jimin says with a little giggle, likely at the tease around the word he uses. “It’s customary to give gifts on the First of Summer. You’re supposed to leave them on your neighbors’ doorsteps, though you could directly gift them during the Bonfire.”

Brushing his hands onto his pants, Jimin straightens up and looks around at your group. In the few days you’ve known Jimin, you’ve noticed that his lips poke out when he’s thinking. It reminds you of a little beak on a baby bird. You’ve told Jungkook as much, and he agrees.

Your eyes fall on Jungkook, hoping he’ll look your way. It doesn’t take long for him to tilt his head to the side and meet your gaze. Sometimes you wonder if Jungkook can sense you somehow. You don’t understand how his Gift works, but it seems mysterious enough to be capable of anything at this point. How else would he somehow know when you’re looking in his direction every time?

With a mischievous glint in your eyes, you subtly pucker your lips.

Jungkook catches on quickly. His eyebrows shoot up, and a small smirk etches itself into his features. He pinches his lips into a pucker, too, and wiggles his eyebrows at you.

You have to press your lips together to stop yourself from laughing.

“Jungkook?”

The younger man quickly straightens his posture and schools his face when Jimin calls out to him.

“Yes, hyung?”

“Want to help me finish up with some decorations? Jessi, too?”

Jungkook nods hard enough that you worry he might give himself a headache.

As Jessi pushes herself off the ground, Jimin turns to you, Namjoon, and Hoseok.

“How about you all help Seokjin down at the quad with the Bonfire? He’s working on setting up the tables and food stalls for the Morning of Summer. We gather to have a breakfast feast and celebrate the first Morning together.”

Hoseok beams at the idea, turning to you with his hands held out. You squeeze them and let him help haul you onto your feet.

“It sounds so nice,” Hoseok chirps with excitement as the three of you make your way through the winding dirt road toward the quad, past rows of unique homes and community gardens scattered across what is essentially a makeshift neighborhood.

“Having a community… I feel like I don’t know how to enjoy it,” Namjoon says softly.

“What do you mean?” It seems odd to you; haven’t they all wanted something like this?

“I don’t remember how to be social. I was, I think, at some point. Before the Labs. And, of course, I feel comfortable with you all. But…”

“Being around strangers is hard,” you offer.

Namjoon nods in agreement. He isn’t sad, though, like you’d assumed he’d be. Namjoon wears a smile as Hoseok wraps his arms around his waist.

“The good thing is we have all the time in the world to figure ourselves out, now. We get to be whatever we want to be, and exist however we want to exist. No more running, no more hiding, no more fighting,” Hoseok says with a grin, and it’s impossible to not believe him.

The air Gifted nuzzles his face into Namjoon’s neck, and you swear there is light pink that mixes with the honey of Namjoon’s cheeks.

Hoseok’s display of affection reminds you of your nights with Jungkook. They’ve become more frequent; nearly every night, he slips into your bed to cuddle with his lips dragging along your neck, just lightly enough to seem innocent but still present enough to make your body burn with an unfamiliar heat.

You haven’t done anything more than cuddle, and you’re having a hard time telling yourself that you’re okay with that.

Seokjin doesn’t give you time to ponder what you think is your budding love life. He gives you, Hoseok, and Namjoon a variety of tasks to complete throughout the day, from painting what you learn are ancient runes on the sides of buildings to helping the farmers harvest their produce to bring to the food stalls. Manual labor doesn’t bother the three of you; for months, you’ve all lived in a world where you work hard to survive, hunting and building your shelters. This work is easy in comparison and much more entertaining.

At some point, Taehyung strolls through the busy quad to check on the outdoor dining space coming to fruition a safe distance from the large bonfire. He plops down on the bench at one of the tables, elbow on the table and chin resting in his hand as he watches you, Hoseok, and Namjoon take a break to munch on some snacks one of the farmers had given you.

“Having fun, little Gifts?”

Taehyung’s eyes sparkle in the late afternoon sun, and you can’t help but melt into the comfort that radiates from him.

“I could stay here forever,” Hoseok mumbles around a large bite of an apple.

“Oh?” The twinkling of Taehyung’s eyes morphs from adoration to teasing amusement. “I thought that was already the plan.”

Hoseok nods, giving the leader a sheepish look.

“That would be dope, yeah.”

“Then it is done.”

The exchange makes you and Namjoon giggle, though the sweet sounds quickly die out when familiar figures jog down the dirt path toward where you sit.

Jimin is beaming, his entire aura nearly glowing, though you know part of that is due to his Gift. Your gut twists from the memory of Yoongi, but the pain doesn’t cut as deeply as it used to. At first, you thought the lessening of the pain meant you were forgetting him or no longer caring about him, and you felt even more grief from that. But a late-night heart-to-heart with Hoseok taught you that this isn’t apathy; it’s healing.

So you acknowledge the little prick of pain that sits in your chest but choose to use the memory of Yoongi to fuel your new love for Jimin, who you know Yoongi would have loved, too.

“Jiminie!” Taehyung calls from his seat at the table. He holds his arms open, eagerly pulling the other man into a spine-crushing hug.

The call of your own name draws your attention away from the men. You turn to see Jessi flashing you an uncharacteristically large grin. It makes you extremely suspicious.

“What do you want?” You question her with narrowed eyes.

“Oh, nothing. Jungkook wants something, though,” she says in a sing-songy voice before skipping - literally skipping - away to talk to Hoseok and Namjoon.

Jungkook stands at the opposite end of the long wooden table. In his hands is a small wicker basket and he shuffles from foot to foot, staring at nothing in particular.

“Jungkook-ah?”

He looks up at you with large, startled eyes. In a split second, he’s gone. The only evidence that the young man had even been there is the wicker basket now rocking from side to side in front of you on the table.

You can’t help but giggle as dark shadows slither from table to table.

“Do you think he can still hear me when he’s in his shadow form?” Jessi slides onto the bench beside you. She looks around at all the shadows, likely wondering which one is Jungkook.

“I have no idea.”

“Hey, Jungkook-ah!” Jessi looks over her shoulder to survey more of the quad. “You’re a fucking wimp!”

Ignoring Jessi’s comment, you turn your attention to the basket. Inside is a small bouquet of white mugunghwa, a modern-looking pale pink jeogori, and a brand-new hard copy of Fahrenheit 451. Your heart pounds in your chest as you lift each item from the basket and gently place them on the table in front of you, inspecting them with soft eyes and careful fingers.

“Where…?”

“He picked the flowers himself and did odd jobs around the Commune and hunted some meat to trade for the jeogori and the book,” Jessi answers your unfinished question.

You feel your eyes tingle at the corners, with tears threatening to burn your cheeks if you blink too hard. From what it sounds like, the Summer gifts are extremely meaningful - something you share with those you care about to wish them a fruitful year and good health. To think that Jungkook has spent the few days you’ve been here preparing such a gift for you warms your heart, so much so that you feel like you’re catching fire from the inside out.

“This is very special,” Taehyung speaks as he caresses one of the flower’s petals.

You’d almost forgotten about Seokjin, Taehyung, Jimin, and the rest of your group.

“It is,” you agree. You carefully return the items to the basket to keep them safe. “I don’t have a gift for him, though. Is it fair to show up to the Bonfire empty-handed?”

Jimin rests his chin on Taehyung’s head and hums as he thinks.

“Typically, we don’t give gifts to each other during the Bonfire. The gifts you bring to the Bonfire are offerings to Nature to ask for health and prosperity in the upcoming year. You’ll toss them into the fire and recite the offering prayer - but you don’t have to since you don’t know it yet.”

You’re not sure you have anything to offer the Bonfire, either, but it seems Taehyung reads your mind.

“There are other ways to give an offering to Nature, if not through the Bonfire,” Taehyung supplies with a small smirk. He looks mischievous and sneaky; the expression makes your skin tickle with goosebumps.

“Yeah, you can fuck,” Seokjin adds with a smirk of his own. He looks too proud of himself when you choke on your next inhale of air.

“You can what?” Hoseok nearly trips over his feet in his attempt to get closer to hear what Seokjin has to say.

“It’s not an official part of the Summer celebration,” Jimin interjects with a roll of his eyes at his husband.

“It’s a part my sweet Jiminie doesn’t mind partaking in.”

“Seokjin!”

Taehyung throws his head back in a loud cackle as Jimin’s face turns bright pink. The poor fire Gifted sputters as he tries to defend himself.

“N-no! No! It’s, no!”

Seokjin shrugs and stretches his arms over his head, leaning on each side long enough to make his joints pop.

“Sex is part of Nature, is it not? It represents vitality, fertility, birth, new beginnings,” Seokjin points out. “Nature takes all that we give her with equal value.”

If Jimin is uncomfortable, you’re downright mortified. You can’t help but look around at the quad as Jessi had, every shadow lurking around the corner more suspicious than the next. What does it mean that they mention sex, and your thought immediately turns to Jungkook? Shame burns at your cheeks, but you can’t get the image out of your mind. You know pretty much nothing about sex and can barely even imagine what it would be like, yet you latch onto the idea that Jungkook might be…

Well…

You can’t say it. You can’t bring yourself to think about it. Shaking your head, you quickly stand and scoop the wicker basket into your arms.

“I’m going to put this in my room,” you announce to no one and everyone.

The group shouts teasing comments about your shy behavior as you do your best to walk calmly in the direction of Seokjin and Jimin’s house, avoiding everyone’s gaze and especially the shadows.

FIRE

You expected the Bonfire to hurt. Not physically, since there are plenty of fire Gifteds around to ensure the celebrations stay safe and under control. No, you expected the pain of the Bonfire to be internal, an emotional pain like the pain you’ve been failing to run from in the months since Yoongi left you.

It has taken you a long time to let go of the anger you’ve let fester inside of you. Your anger verges on hatred, and hatred helps no one. Who is there to hate? Yoongi, for sacrificing himself to save his friends? The rest of your group for mourning your best friend just as profoundly as you have? The Red Pins for taking everything away from you?

The Bonfire crackles and hums like it’s trying to speak to you, but its voice is drowned out by the singing and shouting of the Gifteds dancing in a circle around its flames. The flames reach nearly as high as the buildings surrounding it. Jimin and the other fire Gifteds occasionally pull out stray flames, letting them lick around their arms and bodies to entertain the children fascinated by Gifts they have yet to master within themselves.

The performance is beautiful just as much as it hurts your heart to watch. You’re mesmerized by the dancing flames and swaddled by the heat of the Bonfire, so you don’t notice another Gifted approaching you until you’re standing shoulder-to-shoulder.

“Have you given your offering yet?”

The fire reflects in Jungkook’s eyes like an orange light show, hues swirling and dancing to the tune of whatever ancient language the Gifteds sing in.

“Not yet,” you respond, turning to look at him.

Jungkook’s gaze drops to take in the jeogori you’re wearing – the one he gifted you the day before. It fits you well, loose enough that you don’t feel restricted, but still cut in a way that compliments your body. You’re glad it’s short-sleeved, or you’d be sweating in the summer night air.

“Me either.”

“What did you bring?”

Jungkook pats his thigh. When you look down, you see that he has his knife strapped to his leg.

“The fire probably isn’t hot enough to melt it, but… I think it’s the thought that counts.”

It’s a serious matter, what the two of you are discussing, but you can’t help but giggle as you crouch down to retrieve your offering from where it sits at your feet.

“Your bow?” Jungkook whispers as though he’s scandalized.

“And my arrows.”

“Are you sure you want to do that? You always–”

You shake your head. “We’re giving our weapons up for the same reasons, aren’t we?”

Jungkook nibbles at his bottom lip for a few moments. He turns away from you, those big doe eyes focused again on the fire.

“Yoongi gave them to us.” When Jungkook speaks, his voice quivers, but his cheeks remain dry. “And we’re done fighting.”

“We’re done fighting…”

You mull over the thought, let it roll around in your head, test out its taste on your tongue and see how it weighs in your heart. No more fighting, just like Hoseok said. In the place of fighting, you have a community, like Namjoon wanted. Like you all wanted, no matter how afraid you are to embrace it or admit that you aren’t sure how to join it.

Yoongi never wanted any of you to have to fight.

“Yeah.” Jungkook’s shoulders sag. “I don’t think I could keep it up even if I had to. I’m… ready to be happy. Like the hyungs. They are so bright.”

Your heart cracks with every word, nearly spilling out onto the floor when you watch Jimin sprint across the quad to launch himself into Seokjin’s arms. He wraps his legs around Seokjin’s waist as the two kiss, the fire illuminating their faces like angels’ halos.

Reaching over, you squeeze Jungkook’s hand, lacing your fingers with his. You don’t need to speak; gently tugging his arm has him following you through the crowd toward the base of the Bonfire. The rest of your friends are somewhere around the Bonfire, but you aren’t interested in looking for them.

“1… 2… 3.”

When Jungkook stops counting, the two of you toss your weapons into the fire. Your hands are still intertwined, even if the heat makes your skin sweaty and stick together. You’re both willing to stand at the Bonfire for as long as you can, letting the flames burn your retinas as you try to follow the path the fire takes to eat away at the weapons you’ve surrendered to it.

Letting go feels good, even if you’re letting go of something Yoongi gave you. In a way, he has given you far more than just a bow and some deadly arrows – or a knife and thigh harness. He gave you love, hope, and a second chance. He showed you what it means to love and be loved selflessly and unconditionally and taught you what it means to be a leader in the face of unbelievable hardship.

You don’t think you could have been even half of the person Yoongi was.

The press of fingers at the tip of your chin pulls you out of your melancholic thoughts. Jungkook cradles your face, swiping the pad of his thumb along your cheek once a few tears slip from your lash line.

“Sorry, this is ridiculous,” you croak out. “This is supposed to be a happy celebration.”

Jungkook’s eyebrows furrow as a pout turns the corners of his lips downward. You think he’s about to scold you over apologizing for your feelings – which you know you shouldn’t do – but Jungkook is always full of surprises.

“Can I take you somewhere?”

Forests will likely always scare you. Too many unspeakable things have happened within the woods, too many sad souls wrapped around tree roots and branches. You’re unsure what the woods around the Commune have seen - or if they’re even real; Seokjin’s Gift confuses you. Are the woods here the same ones you traveled through to get here? Are they imaginary, crafted by Seokjin’s mind? Does any of this exist?

The woods certainly feel different here than at the warehouse. Jungkook leads you by the hand down a winding path through trees decorated with brightly-colored garlands draped across their luscious green branches. You recognize the decorations as ones Jungkook, Jessi, and Jimin helped the children make while the rest of your group worked with Seokjin on the Bonfire.

“I found this spot when I was looking for your gifts,” Jungkook murmurs.

“With Jimin?”

“Mhm. He said, I know a place. It was funny.”

The sound of the Bonfire festivities is far in the distance, muted by the quiet rustling of life in the woods. Jungkook stops to brush a few vines away that hang from the trees. When he steps to the side to let you walk through the opening he created, you feel your breath get caught in your throat.

Before you is a circular clearing littered with white and pink mugunghwa shrubs. The flowers nearly glow in the dark, and their sweet scent permeates the air. But what really tugs at your heart is the smattering of tiny fireflies that meander above your head, exploring the peaceful little world away from the chaos of the Commune.

“Jimin hyung said he doesn’t think anyone else knows this place. He comes here to be alone. Or… with Seokjin,” Jungkook whispers, giving you a sheepish look with pink cheeks. “I think it’s supposed to be, umm, you know, for what the hyungs were talking about, but, I, uh, I’m not…”

You suddenly feel hot, warmth prickling at your skin and making moisture collect along your hairline despite being far from the fire. What is Jungkook going on about? You have an idea but are too nervous to respond to his rambling.

Jungkook nudges you with his shoulder before carefully weaving through the shrubs until he finds a more open spot to sit in the grass.

You follow him, the two of you sitting face-to-face, your knees bumping into each other as you cross them.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” you whisper. “And for the gifts. I didn’t get to talk to you about them…”

There’s no need to speak so quietly, but something about this place makes you worry being too loud would disrupt the magic of it.

“Of course,” Jungkook responds just as softly. “I wanted to show you something special because you are special to me.”

Your stomach flips at the memory of Jungkook’s similar confession when you last cut his hair at the warehouse. His gentleness has been a saving grace for you in a world so dark, even when the darkness sometimes consumes him, too.

“You’re special to me, too.” It’s easy to admit; it flows from your mouth as easily as water flows from your soul.

“Thank you… I think we deserve something soft. Does that make sense?”

You tell him that it does because even if you aren’t entirely sure what that means to him, you know that you desire softness in a life that has been so hard.

Jungkook gives you a small smile. A shake of his head flips his bangs out of his eyes so he can look at you properly. It feels different, the way he looks at you. Darker, more intense, but not scary like you’ve seen him look at you before. There is the same power in his gaze, but it’s gentler.

You don’t know what to make of it, so you don’t comment on it. Instead, you reach up to brush Jungkook’s bangs out of his eyes.

“I need to cut your hair,” you muse, a small smirk pulling up the corner of your mouth.

Your fingers linger on his face, migrating from his forehead to drag down the bridge of his nose. When you get to the tip, you mean to bop it lightly, but Jungkook tilts his head back. The adjustment makes your finger slip, and you end up pressing against his lips instead.

Jungkook watches you with curious eyes as he puckers his lips slightly to kiss your finger. It’s a closed-mouth kiss, nothing scandalous, but you feel electricity shoot up your arm and spread through your body.

“Oh,” you quietly gasp when Jungkook takes hold of your wrist. He kisses each of your other fingers, ending with a lingering one on your palm.

“Can I tell you something?” He asks, bringing your hand down to hold in his lap.

You silently nod because you’re afraid of what you might say or sound like if you open your mouth.

Jungkook takes a deep breath, and his grip on your hand tightens slightly. Whatever it is he’s going to say seems like it’s taking a lot for him to sort through in his head from the way his breathing picks up and his eyebrows furrow.

“Jungkook-ah, you don’t have to…”

Jungkook shakes his head and takes your other hand, too.

“No, I have to do this. It’s… we’re just, ahh.” He tilts his head back to stare at the starry sky. After a moment, he exhales loudly out of his nostrils and drops his gaze to yours again. “I’m in love with you. And for some reason, I feel like I shouldn’t tell you that ‘cause it seems selfish to dump this on you ‘cause everything is so… fucked up. It’s so fucked. I don’t know why I feel like I’m not allowed to… to be like this, to feel like this. But Jimin hyung said love is in our Nature and is never bad. And, yeah. I guess, yeah. I’m in love with you, and I think you need to know ‘cause I can’t keep pretending I’m not.”

Out of breath from expelling his words as fast as he can, Jungkook clamps his mouth shut and waits silently. Waits. Waits for you to do something, to say something.

He’s right. Everything is fucked up enough that you can relate to the guilt Jungkook feels for wanting to love, to be happy. He didn’t call it guilt, but you’ve felt it, so you know. It’s precisely what Jessi scolded you about – on numerous occasions. It’s what Hoseok, Namjoon, and Seokjin and Jimin have shown you that you can overcome.

Are you in love with Jungkook?

As you watch him bat his pretty eyelashes at you, those large eyes bearing his entire soul and the love and hurt inside, you think that maybe you aren’t in love with him, not right now. But you do love him. And you think, maybe one day, when your heart no longer hurts, you could be in love, too.

So it feels right when you scoot closer to Jungkook and slide your hand against the side of his face to bring your lips to his.

Something flutters in the pit of your stomach, like the fireflies above your head, when Jungkook’s lips move with yours. There’s a push and pull to your movements, a hesitant dance that reminds you of how Jungkook spars. His touches are light yet calculated, showing strength when he holds himself back.

“It’s okay to be happy,” you whisper against Jungkook’s lips when you finally pull away – just barely because you want to cocoon yourself in the warmth of his body.

“You make me happy,” he whispers back.

It takes more kissing, the exchange of air and spit that would normally gross you out but somehow feels good before your brain finally lets go of the negativity you’ve been holding.

Jungkook kisses away your shame and guilt as he squeezes your hips and pulls you into his lap. You settle on his thighs with your legs wrapped around his tiny waist and let him kiss you until you can’t breathe. And just when you feel like you’ll suffocate in the most pleasant way, he begins planting kisses along your jaw.

Your hands find the hair at the back of Jungkook’s head, and you run your fingers through his hair to distract yourself from how your hands are trembling. Your entire body vibrates with a desperate feeling you’ve never had before as Jungkook sucks on the sensitive skin of your throat. The sensation makes you squirm.

“Fuck,” Jungkook groans into the crook of your neck. He sounds pained to you, which makes you panic.

“What? What’s wrong?” You feel like you’re blinking sleep out of your eyes from how dazed you are. Embarrassment creeps along your burning skin; how can you be so out of your mind that you start behaving like this?

Jungkook presses his hands flat against your back, the pads of his fingers massaging your muscles while he lowers his touch, slowly and gently, until his hands find the curve of your ass.

“Jungkook-ah,” you nearly scold him when he squeezes you.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he confesses, encouraging you to grind against his crotch.

It’s only then that you feel his erection in his pants. The knowledge that he’s reacting this way because of you makes the electricity in your veins spike through you even stronger.

“Me either.”

Jungkook finally lifts his head to look at you, and it’s a wonder how he manages to wear innocent doe eyes yet bite his kissed-pink bottom lip in an air of seduction that makes your body tingle.

“I want to be good for you.”

His words do something to you that you’re too scared to address, so you opt for humor when you reply, “Well, I don’t have anything to compare you to.”

With a roll of his eyes, Jungkook brings trembling hands to the side of your jeogori where the strings are tied into a bow to keep the clothing in place.

“Can I take this off?”

“Please.”

Getting naked in front of Jungkook is a lot less terrifying than you thought it would be – not that you’d ever thought of it before! Not like this, at least. The two of you have bathed together, but that’s different. It’s easier to hide in the water, and both of you are respectful enough not to take peeks. So it’s most likely the calming presence Jungkook holds that keeps you relaxed once you kneel naked in front of each other. In the moonlight, you both let your eyes wander each other’s figures, drinking in each other like you want to savor it.

You let Jungkook’s hands wander, experimentally pinching your nipples to draw a moan out of you and tickling your stomach as his touches make their way down your body. He whispers gentle words of encouragement and proclamations of your beauty when you fall back in the grass and open your thighs for him.

“I want to touch you,” Jungkook says into your chest. Your skin glistens from how his tongue explores where his hands just had, but you’re more focused on his fingers ghosting over your hips. “Please?”

“Yes,” you whimper.

You’re both shaking when Jungkook slips his fingers through your folds, his thumb lightly pressing against your clit while his fingers reach your entrance. It’s an odd sensation, but you’re quickly a moaning mess beneath him. Even if the rhythm of his fingers pumping in and out of you isn’t consistent, and he’s touching you almost too lightly as though he’s afraid of hurting you, it still feels good.

“Am I doing okay?”

You can’t help but laugh.

When he gives you a pout, you throw your arm around his shoulders and pull him down to kiss him. He hovers over you, spreading you open further because your thighs press against the outsides of his hips. You both notice when his cock – which you’d nervously ignored until now – brushes against the crease of your thigh.

“Fuck,” Jungkook moans, and it’s the prettiest sound you’ve ever heard. “I want… I wanna, ah, fuck.” If you’d thought Jungkook’s usual flustered state was cute, this is downright deadly.

“Me, too.” You guess what he’s trying to say – are confirmed when he lightly bites your shoulder and ruts against you.

“Are you sure?”

It’s a valid question, and you surprise yourself when you say “yes” without hesitation. But you’ve wanted this for much longer than you can admit. Your desire for Jungkook has grown with every soft late-night cuddle and almost kiss.

Jungkook rolls his hips, gliding his cock between your thighs, the motion wet and slippery. It takes some fumbling before he manages to line himself with your entrance and slowly sink inside you.

Gentle, careful, he whispers that he’ll take care of you even though he has no experience. With each thrust, you promise him that it doesn’t hurt, speak praise into his ear that makes his entire body shiver.

Your legs ache from your unusual position, and your sweat mixes with Jungkook’s in a way that’s honestly disgusting if you think about it. Still, you can’t deny how good the building pressure feels as it seems to start between your thighs and at your clit, slowly spreading like wildfire up your stomach and into somewhere deep inside of you.

The only time you’ve heard anyone talk about sex is Jessi, and it was typically in a negative light. Something about men not knowing where the clit is or how to use their dicks. Jungkook seems like a natural; he’s the golden maknae for a reason. Maybe it’s not mind-blowing, but you’re both starting with nothing to guide you.

Rather than a life-changing orgasm, you’re more interested in how Jungkook looks like he’d give his heart to you, no questions asked. Like he already has.

You’re more interested in how softly he kisses you and holds your leg against his hip and caresses it like you’re something worth treating with care.

You’re more interested in how he moans, “I love you, fuck, I love you so much,” and lets you bite his bottom lip because he knows you aren’t ready to say it back, and he’s okay with that. Because he’ll wait for you for as long as you need him to.

“I’m so sorry,” Jungkook moans against your throat, where he’s sucked blossoms nearly as pretty as the mugunghwa. “But I’m gonna come, like, ahh, fuck, like right, fuck, shit, like right now.”

From Jessi’s complaints, sex is supposed to end with this: Jungkook finding his release against your inner thighs because he has enough sense to pull out, and you’re left on your back, discarded and unsatisfied.

So when Jungkook slides down until your thighs are propped open by his shoulders, you watch in confusion because you thought it was over.

The flick of his tongue against your clit has you lifting off the ground from how sharply you arch your back. You frantically exhale a raspy chant of Jungkook’s name in time with each pump of his fingers he’s managed to slip inside you while you struggle to lie still.

“Let me make you feel good,” he murmurs with shiny lips, and you see stars just from that image alone.

Later, when you’re both sweaty and exhausted, you curl together under the protective barrier of Jungkook’s shadows. He hides you from the world and keeps you safe until morning when you’ll return to the Commune to bring in the First of Summer with a breakfast feast.

But until then, you hold each other with promises of never letting go, forgiveness, and understanding.

“We’re gonna be okay,” Jungkook whispers against your hair.

“You just have to stick with me, right?”

When he laughs, you feel it rumble through his chest. “By your side is the only place I wanna be.”

You fall asleep among the mugunghwa shrubs and fireflies to the sound of Jungkook’s heartbeat.

@rkiveslibrary @mar-lo-pap

@iadelicacy @likecrazy22 @jaemayy @annyeongbitch7

#bts fanfic #bts x reader #jungkook x reader #jungkook fanfic #bts fluff #bts smut #bts angst #jungkook smut #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #gimmethatagustd #what the fire gave us

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bugb1t35 · 2 days ago

Text

Sebastian solace x reader

Summary: What happens if you give a suicidal person the ability to come back from death time and time again, completely ok? Physically at least. Sebastian doesn't want to know.

Trigger warnings and content warnings: suicide, suicidal ideation, self harm and some graphic descriptions of death. Angst with a happy ending.

Genre: angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort

Read on AO3 or down below :3

Word count: 6205

Author note

There will always be someone there. You are never alone and you are loved. Please remember that.

Also please ignore the spelling mistakes if there are any it is 7 am when I am posting this. Also I'm on mobile so possible weird formatting I'm sorry </3

The cold in the room bites at you, filling your lungs with a gasp as you open your eyes. The burning that consumed every inch of your body just seconds before is gone just as fast as the manilla folder slaps down on the desk in front of you, barely illuminated by a light from above. This feels different from the other deaths.

You wonder what snide remark you're gonna hear this time.

“A void mass? Really?”

You spare a glance up at him, glowing white eyes peering down at you, completely void of emotion. Completely unreadable. You give a meek shrug. It's not like you have to explain yourself to him, and you're already feeling a lot better than before. Lighter.

Like you can let yourself breathe.

“I tripped up. I heard an angler and hid without checking.”

His stare is still empty as ever, his tail shifts around somewhere in the dark room around you as he snickers and leans in a tiny bit closer. Just enough to see that fanged smile.

“Try not to be so careless next time, yeah? Wouldn't want urbanshade taking their brightest expendable out of the program.”

Normally the thought would send a chill through your veins, you’d give a snide remark back and then you’d be on your way to start another life, start another loop, and repeat the cycle all over again.

You don't have it in you to do that this time, so you smile up at Sebastian and bid him farewell, closing the folder and your eyes.

When you open them, you're back in the lobby. Other expendables rushing around, submarines docking and leaving, and the sound of rushing water flooding through the cave hidden port as you look out at the waterfall blocking the entrance that hides it from the view of any unsuspecting soul.

Standing up and dusting yourself off, you make your way to a dock.

The cycle begins anew.

—

Cold air rushing into your lungs, dim light illuminating a folder on the table, a hearty laugh. The same story once again. The searing on your skin is gone, now replaced by a soft tingling.

It's not entirely unpleasant.

A claw emerges from the dark and flips open the folder, circling the photo of a landmine slowly and tauntingly.

“Tsk tsk tsk. So careless. A mine in the middle of the hallway? I thought you were better than this expendable.”

The name is said low and slowly, certainly drawn out to mock you of the position you hold. You couldn't care less, this is the best you've felt in a while.

Your eyes skim through the page, not really caring about mines in particular, but it's something you'll be able to think about later on a slow run.

“Thanks for the info Sebastian! I’ll be heading out now.”

Your voice is awfully cheery for someone who was just blown to bits, but before he can say anything you're already sending him a smile and wave as you close the folder and blink away in an instant, back to the lobby.

Sebastian sits there for a moment longer than he should have, glancing down at the file still on the desk.

There's no way you hadn't seen that mine in front of you.

—

By the time you're at the 8th death from something he deems completely avoidable, Sebastian sits with the file already open on the table and eyes narrowed down at you as your body jerks back to life.

You can feel the hole that pierced through your body closing up, flesh mending and muscle regrowing underneath your jumpsuit. It burns, yet you're still grinning ear to ear.

“Beautiful day for some runs, isn't it Sebastian?”

He stares down at you with a glare, sounding incredibly unimpressed.

“You walked directly into a searchlight’s spotlight.”

For the first time, you catch something in his eyes, but it's gone before you can put a name to it.

“Just what exactly are you playing at here expendable? Some stupid idea that if you die enough times in such meaningless ways you'll be pulled from the program? That urbanshade will think you're too useless so they let you free from here only to go back to death row? Once you're here, you're here for good.”

His voice is practically snarling at you as you look at the papers on the desk in front of you before looking back up at him, pulling out your best sheepish laugh.

Letting him know wouldn't do anything.

“I guess I've just been off my game recently, but that doesn't matter. I just come back every time anyway’

You smile up at him with that same stupid smile, the one you’ve made every time for the past 7 deaths before this and close the folder, disappearing before he can get a word in once again.

A growl bubbles up in his throat that turns into an agitated scream as he swipes the folder and lamp off the desk, sending them crashing down onto the floor.

You have to have a goal here. Some kind of weird thing you’re working towards, you wouldn't be dying so senselessly for nothing, would you?

You have almost everything in the files unredacted, you've been on so many runs he's lost count and you've gotten as far as anyone can go before being sent back to start again. What could you possibly be doing?

He grumbles as he picks up the folder and lamp off the floor, dropping the lamp on the table with no regard for it and cramming the file back into the locker.

You have normal runs where you die normal deaths like every other expendable down here, things that most people would slip up on. So why is it that these completely avoidable (and quite frankly stupid) deaths keep happening closer and closer together?

You had to be losing it. Running down seemingly endless halls, getting hunted by every living thing in this forsaken facility like it's a sport, feeling your body die all around you... After one day any normal person would be starting to feel the grips of insanity beginning to claw its way inside them.

He stops for a moment and sighs before quickly shaking it off and getting back to work.

No use wondering what that would imply for someone like him. He’s thought about it enough already.

—

Sebastian’s eyes peer down at you as you grab some batteries off of his desk, watching and waiting to see anything that could tip him off to what you were doing. Even the slightest change in your behavior from what he's used to, anything that could be useful in any way.

Whenever you get to his shop, you always stop and chat for a few minutes with a smile. That's been something that's never changed about you.

Even on your first day, terrified as all hell and trembling from head to toe as you stumbled your way through the vent to his shop, you still smiled and introduced yourself.

You don't seem as…energized…this run. Something he's been noticing a lot lately. Very avoidable mishaps are always what kill you when you're like this.

Maybe you're not paying attention as much as you should be because your mind is elsewhere.

But where else would it be besides this hellhole?

As you turn to grab the keycard and leave he huffs, picking the medkit off of his tail as you turn to look at him questioningly.

“You’re not gonna be getting past the generators in the shape you’re in. here.”

This is something he would never do, something that defies all morals he’s gained since he's been stuck in this hellhole.

“6% off. You look like you need it.” he sneers out, knowing fully well that it’s an act at this point.

You look up at him, hand hesitantly hovering over it. Sebastian never gives anyone discounts for any reason. Something’s wrong. He's onto you.you put on the best playful grin you can.

It hurts worse than any death you've experienced.

“The Sebastian I know would never accept anything for less than full price. What's the catch?”

“There is no catch, now take it and get out before I change my mind.”

He can see how the smile doesn't reach your eyes, how the fatigue is creeping its way into every inch of you, but you take the medkit and turn around before he can look closer.

You wave farewell and thank him without turning around, crawling out of the vent and making your way down the hallway. He hears the sound of the med kit lid clattering to the ground as your footsteps fade into the distance.

You make your way to the next room, body fully refreshed but mind still cloudy. It was nice of him to do that for you. He's not usually that nice. It makes you feel just a little bit less foggy.

The door shutters open with a metallic shriek as you make your way inside, only to see that a giant hole in the ground blocks most of the way, with small wooden planks laid out to form a narrow path over.

You haven't killed yourself while fully healed yet. Will that make it feel even better?

Almost like second nature at this point you walk over to the edge and step over with no hesitation or second thought, your body falling down into the abyss with a smile on your face.

You blank just before you hit the

ground.

You jolt awake a moment later, head pounding that quickly dulls into a fuzzy feeling, the relief of feeling better almost instantly washes over you.

Sebastian isn't happy to see you again so soon.

—

After the 24th death, he decides enough is enough. He waits a few minutes after you leave to put the vent cover back on the entrance to his shop and he hoists himself up to the ceiling rafters, sliding into one of the air ducts to follow after you without you knowing.

He was getting to the bottom of this, one way or another.

Banging in the vents was nothing abnormal in the blacksite, hell, it's hard to go 10 rooms without hearing someone screaming for their life.

Random thumps, footsteps or other sounds of unknown origin don't scare you anymore. Quite the opposite.

If there had been no sound here, you probably would’ve lost it much sooner. Going on runs by yourself can get lonely. You used to love venturing into the depths of the broken down site with other people. But you'd prefer it if no one saw what you've been up to.

But it's good to know there's other things down here with you.

No matter how fucked up they may be.

The safe room door slides open and you walk inside, beginning to search drawers and filing cabinets for the keycard to open the next room.

Sadly, this room didn't have a way you could end your own life in it, so you'd have to keep going if you wanted to find a way to make this awful feeling end.

You hear a jingle to your left as you look around, eventually ducking down and finding the keycard on the floor underneath a chair. A small but triumphant smile crosses your face. Finally, you wouldn't have to put up with this much longer. You could start a new, hopefully better run.

A run where you don't feel like there's a bottomless pit in your chest where your heart should be.

A run without something that sucks all of the good things out of life.

You’ve been saying that to yourself nearly every round now. It's only getting worse.

You grab the key card and make your way to the door, sliding it in and waiting for it to click. The door opens with the same loud metallic shriek every door here opens with and you stand in the entryway for just a moment, before you hear what sounds like music to your ears.

The sounds of turrets kicking to life

Painter's voice cuts in from over the speakers like an angel descended from heaven itself to save you.

“Better hope you're bulletproof, buddy!”

Sebastian watches from up in the vents, having been following you for around 10 minutes now. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary so far, it seemed like any other run; albeit a bit slower than normal pace.

The sound of turrets firing up was not something new to sebastian, he had heard painters splatter art therapy too many times to count at this point, even getting caught in it a time or two before the ai realized who it was shooting at.

He watched you as you stood at the doorway of the room, just outside of the turret's range. Most likely assessing the best path to get to the off switch.

You have the least amount of deaths from turrets, once even telling him that you find it fun. The ducking, weaving and adrenaline rush making it more like a game to you.

You should have no problem with this.

You take a step into the room and suddenly, something feels wrong. Horribly wrong. Without a moment's notice, you step directly into the moving turret's red beam of sight and it locks onto you, firing almost instantaneously.

He can only watch wide eyed in horror as bullets shred through your body in an instant, tearing flesh, ripping muscle and shattering bone. Your body crumbles to the floor in a matter of seconds.

When he sees your face, he feels beyond sick.

Blood gurgles out of your mouth, spilling down the sides of your cheeks next to tears. Your eyes are fully welled up, scleras turning bloodshot.

Worst of all, you're smiling.

The same smile you'd give to him when he had your favorite items in his shop. It was now twisted and warped, smeared in crimson that only sputtered out more and more when you let you a broken, drowned laugh.

He was completely frozen. He had seen so many bodies, he himself had killed so many, he's seen enough viscera and gore in this shit hole that it would make the world's most renowned biohazard cleanup crew resign permanently.

He’s committed atrocities against so many people, just wanting to survive down here and get out, same as him, so why…

Why did it feel so different now that he's seeing it happen to you?

He covers his mouth with his hand, suppressing the urge to vomit. He's seen expendables kill themselves before, he knows you’ve died horrible deaths before.

This shouldn't be any different!

But oh god…not like this…

Not with you…

Before he has the chance to keel over he blinks for the first time in what feels like years, and suddenly he's back in that oh so familiar dark room with a file in his hand and a shitty lamp barely illuminating the desk.

You're lying slumped in the chair across from him, how you appear after every death. Jumpsuit completely clean and tidy, all signs of blood are completely gone, and the bullet holes that riddle your skin are stitching themselves back up as if nothing had ever happened.

As if what he just saw was nothing but a horrible dream.

His eyes are still wide and jaw agape as you twitch to life, gasping in air, you sit and breath for a moment before looking up at him with the brightest smile and wave he's ever seen from you

“Turrets got me this time! Guess I got a little too ambitious when I was heading for the off switch!”

Your voice is so cheerful it's sickening now. He's never felt like this before. He can't move, he can't talk, he can only sit and stare in horror.

You look up at Sebastian, seeing him frozen like this is certainly new. You wave your hand in front of him, and when all you get in response is his mouth moving with no words you reach and grab the folder from his hands with no retaliation from him, too caught up in your own glee to notice the fear in his eyes.

You kick your feet back and forth and smile, humming a little as you browse over the file.

He swears he can still see the blood on your lips.

“Ok, well I'll see you next run Sebastian! Take care!”

you close the folder and just like that, youre gone from him once again

He stares at the folder on the desk before turning and looking at the file cabinets surrounding him.

How many times had you killed yourself and played it off as normal deaths?

How long has this truly been going on for? Had you been purposefully putting yourself in dangers way this entire time and only recently started ending your own life yourself?

Have you been doing it yourself this whole time and just gotten worse and worse the more it progressed?

All he knows is that he can't let it continue.

He can't.

—

You crawl through the vent into Sebastian's shop, standing up with a stretch and popping your back. You take a moment to stretch the rest of your limbs before moving over to Sebastian, giving him your best wave and smile.

“Hey Sebastian! Whatcha got in store for me today?”

He seems more tense than usual as he flicks his tail over to you, showcasing the stock for today. You idly chat about whatever you can think of as you make your choice, picking up some batteries and a flash beacon.

You bid farewell and turn to leave, but before you can even make it halfway across the room Sebastian flicks his tail again, this time slamming the vent cover back into place. You flinch a little from the loud noise and turn to him confused.

“I think we need to have a talk, friend.”

He sounds incredibly pissed and immediately you are racking your brain for anything you could’ve done to make him angry. You're too lost in thought to notice him leaning down to your level until his hands are gripping your shoulders.

“So, how many times now have you killed yourself on purpose? And why?”

His claws sink into your shoulder, not enough to break skin, but enough to be very aware of them.

You freeze, every muscle in your body tensing as your heart begins to speed up. He wasn't supposed to find out. How did he find out? You need to think of something to get out of this and fast.

He shouldn't know about this.

“Killing myself..? Sebastian, why would I kill myself? I've got enough things trying to kill me as is! I haven't been doing it on purpose!”

You try to play it off with a chuckle and force yourself to smile. It's not like this is about anything serious, or something that would matter to him.

He scowls at you, anger flickering in his eyes as his tail thuds against the ground in restrained anger.

“No one happily walks in front of a turret and then laughs about the fact they're bleeding out on the floor.”

Shit. Shit shit shit SHIT. He saw you?!? Not good not good not good NOT GOOD. he's probably going to think you're crazy and hate you. He'll be disgusted with you forever and never want to be near you again. You have to salvage this somehow. You have to.

“I was just so excited to see you…?”

“Wrong. Try again”

You fidget uncomfortably, looking anywhere but him. This is bad. How could you possibly make this seem like a normal thing??

“Why do you need to know? It doesn't involve you”

His grip tightens on your shoulders and you swallow nervously.

“It does involve me when i'm the one who deals with you every time you die.”

Your hands are shaking now as your eyes begin to water. Why did it have to go like this? Why did this have to happen? This shouldn't involve him at all, he's stressed enough as is.he shouldn't have to deal with you. You're being pathetic. Why couldn't you have just stayed dead on one of your attempts? This isn't fair. It isn't fair it isn't fair it isn't-

You didn't even realize you had started crying until Sebastian says your name. Not expendable, not buddy, not friend. Your actual name.

All at once, everything breaks and your legs give out underneath you with a sob, his hands quickly move under your arms to catch you and set you on the floor gently, making sure you don't fall.

Your sobs begin to grow louder as you grab your arms, nails digging into your flesh to try and calm yourself down as blood begins to pool at the openings of the new wounds.

Sebastian's eyes widen with shock and before you can do anything more in your panicked state, he grabs your hands, holding them above your head. You jerk back in retaliation to try and free yourself before quickly giving up, unable to do anything.

“I-”

you try to sputter out, choking on your own sobs.

“i -i dont-”

you sniffle and hiccup, unable to get more than a few words out at a time.

Sebastian moves his free hand to your face, wiping the tears away from your eyes. He squeezes your blood soaked hands gently.

“It's fine, take your time. I'm not going anywhere”

You stare at him teary eyed in silence for a moment before letting out a long and broken whine, more tears spilling over your eyes. This was wrong. You shouldn't be letting him see this. He's being too gentle with you. You don't deserve this.

“Jesus, if i knew that's how you'd react i would've said something else”

Sebastian forces a chuckle, trying anything to try and distract you from what you're feeling.

But his voice is quiet, as if he wanted no one else in the world to hear it but you.

You take a shaky breath, you have to get him away from you. He doesn't deserve to be put through this.

“I...”

Your voice trembles as you speak, your words almost completely unintelligible.

“I...hate you. I dont…I don't want to be near you.”

If you tell him you hate him, he’ll leave. He’ll leave and never talk to you again and he won't have to be burdened with you and your dumb problems ever again. He can figure out a way to escape and be free and happy without you constantly bothering him.

Sure you'll be miserable without him, you love him. But your feelings don't matter, not when it comes to him. His happiness is much more important. He'd be much better off without you

“You hate me, huh?”

His voice is dripping with sarcasm, enough to make you aggravated as you glare up at him. Why isn't he taking this seriously? Why isn't he leaving you?

“Y-yes! I…i hate you..! I hate you Sebastian! I never want to see you again! Get away from me!”

The words leave a nasty taste in your mouth and an even worse feeling in your chest. You didn't mean any of this. You could never hate him. But you have to, to keep him safe.

He stares at you, barely reacting to your outburst. His eyes narrow as he leans closer to you, his eyes never leaving yours.

“No you don't.”

He says it so calmly, as if it were a fact everyone knew. Disbelief and frustration bubble up inside you as you try to shake his grip off of you, planting a foot on his chest to try and push him away from you. Your efforts are completely in vain as he keeps you in place without so much as even moving when you struggle.

“What do you mean I don't?! That's not for you to decide!”

“If you actually hated me, you wouldn't make such a pitiful face when saying it.”

He flicks you on the forehead right between your eyes as he says it, and you stare at him with wide eyes and jaw agape. Why won't he just believe you?

“I hate-”

“Nope. Try again.”

“I ha-”

“Nah”

“I-”

“Wrong.”

You let out a scream in frustration, tears of anger running down your face now. Why won't he just let you do this for him?!

“Now, are you gonna tell me what's actually going on?”

You turn your head away now. If he wants to play like that, you can play like that too. You'll just sit here in silence until he gets fed up with you and leaves. This is what's best for him.

You both sit in silence for a moment before he asks again, once again being met with silence. He groans in annoyance. Why did you have to be so stubborn?

The hand that was once wiping your tears away grabs your face, forcing you to turn and look at him

“Just tell me what's wrong god dammit!”

A baffled and angry sound escapes you as you try to wiggle your face out of his grip, but he only pulls you closer. He presses his forehead to yours, eyes piercing into you like they were trying to dig into your very soul.

You try to look anywhere else that isn't him, but he jerks your face to make your eyes meet him anyway. There's no escaping it this time.

“Im- I'm not going to burden you with this Sebastian! It doesn't involve you!”

He raises an eyebrow at this, backing away from you a bit but still keeping a firm hold on your face.

“You think you're going to burden me? Is that it?”

You scowl. What doesn't he understand?

“Of course It would burden you! You already have so much shit to deal with and I'm not gonna let my pathetic problems weigh you down more!”

Shit. You probably shouldn't have said that. He stares at you silently before letting go of your face and bringing your hands to your lap, squeezing them in his. His thumb rubs the back of your hand, the gesture making nausea and pain shoot through you.

“Are you actually stupid enough to think it would burden me?”

Because you can refute the insult, he holds a finger up to your mouth to shush you.

“You're one of the few things in this shitty place that doesnt burden me. If the only actual person I gave a damn about is hurting, then I want to know.”

You can feel your heart skip a beat at his words, but you try to shake it off.

no no no NO!.. this…this isn't right..! He shouldn't have to worry about someone like you! You're being pathetic!

“Don't tell me what is and isn't right. I've seen plenty of people being pathetic, and you aren't one of them. Especially not now”

Fuck, did you really say that out loud? You would cry more from embarrassment at this whole ordeal, but you've run out of tears by now.

You sniffle quietly, your voice coming out quiet and broken.

“I don't…I don't deserve you, Sebastian…”

Sebastian reels back, a confused look crossing his face as the fins on the sides of his head dropping down a bit to match.

Slowly, a snicker leaves him. Then another, until it becomes full on laughter. You didn't deserve him?? He's never heard something more ridiculous.

You stare at him confused as he laughs, his laughter only growing lower and harder, even bringing up a hand to wipe away a tear forming.

What is even happening right now…?

It takes a moment but he takes a deep breath in and out to recollect himself.

“You don't deserve me? I'm a monster! I mean, just look at me! Do you even know how many people I've killed? How many deaths I've caused?”

He chuckles to himself, but your eyes widen, panic growing on your face as you pull your hands out of his grasp. Instead, you clasp his hands together in yours as you practically lunge forward towards him. He flinches back from the sudden movement but otherwise stays still as he looks down at the most desperate face he's ever seen anyone make.

“No no no! You're not a monster! You're amazing Sebastian! Even with everything that's happened to you, you still help people! You let everyone and everything that was trapped in the black site out and even now you're trying to figure out a way to get painter out with you too! A monster wouldn't do that! Of course I don't deserve someone as selfless as you!”

The pure desperation to get him to understand you makes his heart drop. Why the hell is he the one getting nervous now? This is supposed to be about you for god's sake.

He opens his mouth to respond but before he can get the chance, you're already talking again.

“You run a shop when you don't have to, you could leave everyone to fend for themselves but you don't! Hell, you didn't even get anything at all from the dead drop shop and you still run it! You're amazing Sebastian! I could never ask someone like you to worry about someone like me!”

This time he's the one cutting you off before you can start talking again, an agitated look on his face.

“Woah woah hey- you don't deserve me? What the actual hell are you talking about? I've seen you give med kits to people who were barely bruised while you were bleeding out! I've seen you jump in front of people to take bullets so they wouldn't have to, seen you shove people into the last locker while you took the full force of pandemonium charging at you! When someone is hurt or sad, you're always the first person there to help! What in the everloving hell are you saying you don't deserve me?! I Don't deserve YOU.”

You begin to stammer something out before he holds up a hand, gesturing at you to stop for a moment. He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs before looking back up at you

“Ok look, we’re not going to get anywhere like this and how I feel right now is irrelevant because you have been CONTINUOUSLY KILLING YOURSELF-”

He cuts himself off, taking a breath to calm himself before continuing

“And I care about you, which you can't change, no matter how much you want to. So for now, you are going to sit here and promise me that you will stop hurting yourself.”

He looks down at you and god, he's never wanted to take on someone else's pain as much as he does right now.

Your eyes are wide and bloodshot with tear stains on your face, your hair is messy and your arms are covered in now drying blood. If it were anyone else, they'd look pathetic to him. But it's not anyone else, it's you.

His heart clenches at the thought. He wishes he could take you away from here, shield you from all the horrors of this place. Protect you from every horrible thing you think about yourself. But for now, this is the best he can do.

“Do you think you can do that for me?”

Your name on his voice is enough to ease the pain of everything for a moment, but you hesitate.

Sebastian notices immediately, placing a claw under your chin and guiding you to look up at him.

“Listen, here's what we’re gonna do. I'm going to give you a walkie talkie, and the moment you feel any urge to hurt yourself you call me and I will come get you. If you can't use the walkie for any reason, you will find painter and tell him and I will come get you. Do you understand”

You swallow nervously, shame burning in your chest. You really don't deserve this, but there's no point in arguing with him anymore.

“Ok I um….I… I promise.”

You look away as you say it, not being able to bear how humiliating this feels.

“I see you every time you die, so I'll know if you don't tell me.”

“Ok, I understand.”

“And so help me god if I learn you threw yourself into danger I WILL-”

“Ok ok I get it! I won't!”

You grumble to yourself as he smirks, clearly proud of himself. This is the worst. You shouldn't be happy about this, that he cares about you enough to do this. How selfish you are-

“Now you are going to sit here and tell me about alllllll of the good things about yourself”

Wait, what?

Before you can object, or even ask what he means by that, he's moving his hands under your arms and picking you up as you shriek in surprise.

He moves his tail, curling it so you can sit comfortably on it as he drops you down on it before plucking a med kit off of one of the bags on his tail.

The med kit pops open with a click and he holds a hand out at you expectantly. Completely baffled, you rest one of your arms in his grip, his hand almost the size of your entire forearm.

Sebastian pops a bottle of antiseptic open and pours it onto a cotton pad before bringing it to your arm, holding it just above one of the self-inflicted scratches.

“Now, tell me one of the reasons you deserve to be cared for.”

“What-? Sebastian I'm not gonna-”

You hiss in pain as he dabs the rag over a cut, the antiseptic stinging the wound. He glances up at you expectantly.

“Ok ok um-....”

You sit in silence for an embarrassingly long time as you try to come up with anything good about yourself. Even with the things Sebastian told you earlier, it's still hard to believe you deserve any of this

“I'm…I care about others and always try to help when I can…?”

It comes out more like a question than anything else. You glance at him nervously as he nods and let's put a hum of approval, telling you to keep going as he grabs a roll of bandages and begins to wrap it around your arm.

This is going to be difficult.

You swallow nervously, your mind almost fully blanking.

“I'm a good person…?”

“Don't say it like a question, say it like you mean it.”

You tense up slightly at how…soft…he sounds. Your chest tightens and a lump forms in your throat. This is all way too...intimate. You think you might pass out if it goes on for any longer. Despite this, you push forward and try to be a bit more confident.

“I'm…a good person. ”

“Good.”

He lets your arm go, gently, grabbing your other one and beginning the same process of cleaning and bandaging it again. Your heart flutters at the praise and the touch.

“I can't stop you from caring about me, even if I want to, so I might as well let it happen.”

You sound defeated when you say it, like you just lost a battle but Sebastian is pleased to hear it.

“There you go, now you're getting it.”

He hums with approval and your face flushes as you look away. This is the worst. You're enjoying this way too much.

Despite every inch of you screaming at you, calling you selfish and undeserving, you feel your eyes begin to shut for longer and longer with each blink, your body getting heavier and your nerves beginning to calm down.

“I deserve to be cared for”

You can feel yourself starting to drift to sleep, and at this point you're far too exhausted to try and fight it. Sebastian finishes tying the last bandage when he notices. He puts everything back into the med kit and shuts it gently before setting it on the ground.

He shifts his tail so it's wrapped around you now, you mumble something incoherent in protest before getting comfortable again. His heart feels full for the first time in years as he looks at you.

“Rest well, ok? I know it's hard to believe but I..”

He trails off, debating on the best way to phrase it, or if he should even tell you right now.

You barely manage to open your eyes as you look up at him questioningly, still trying your best to listen to what he has to say. He can feel his heart stutter in his chest.

“I…I care about you. Get some rest, okay? You need it.”

What he wants to say is teetering on the tip of his tongue, begging to be spoken into existence, but he doesn't want to drop that on you right now. It can be said another day.

As sleep begins to take you, against his better judgement, Sebastian leans down and presses a small kiss to your forehead.

That's good enough for now

Ending note:

I haven't seen many things explore the fact that in pressure you come back completely fine after every death so I wanted to try my hand at writing it based on my emotions and experiences.

I am perfectly fine actually but a few months ago when I originally wrote this I was having the worst time of my life, but now that I'm better I decided to revisit it and edit it a bit.

Please remember you are never alone, there is always someone willing to help.

And don't forget dear reader, Sebastian loves you very much, even if he can't say it yet <3

#sebastain solace #sebastian solace x reader #sebastian solace x you #pressure roblox #pressure #pressure x reader #hurt/comfort #fanfiction #pressure fanfic #i dont know if this fic is coherent but i hope it is #nervous cause this is only my second ever fic #i'll lock in on my other one i prommy #the ao3 curse got me thats why i havent been writing #this is to get back into the groove of writing #i hope you enjoy! :3 #i also hope i didnt completely mischaracterize him #pressure sebastian #sebastian solace pressure

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ramp-it-up · 17 hours ago

Text

I'm On Fire

Summary: He tried to keep his distance. You tried to keep your composure. Neither of you succeeded. And now the line between duty and wanting you is burning away.

Word count: 4.7 K

Pairing: Firefighter! Bucky Barnes x Principal! Reader; The crew x Reader (mostly platonic, except Ari)

A/N: So this new AU. It's the death of me. And @nissaimmortal asked when part one was published just a few days ago so, because I'm obsessed and I have so much to say about them, here is part two. I'm all in with stubborn, angsty, grumpy, burning-for-you firefighter Bucky Barnes. 🫠 This was inspired by an abandoned AU from last year and then this ask from a few weeks ago. I can't get him out of my mind. Bucky is a firefighter and a burn survivor. Tell me how you feel by reblogging, commenting, sending asks, dm'ing and the like. Interaction is life.

Warnings: 18+ Only, Minors DNI. Read at your own risk. This fic/au deals with fires, burns, burn survivors and recovery. There are graphic descriptions of burns and pain. Bucky and Reader are burn survivors. Grumpy Bucky, burn injury and rehab recovery, reader has to rely on other people, a lil bit of language, mutual pining, idiots in love, Steve, Ari, and Syverson are also firefighters (warning, esp. Ari!) erotic dream, protective Bucky, jealous Bucky, hurt/comfort, dom Bucky if you squint, erotic dreams and fantasies (I feel like suspenders are gonna be a thing), implied masturbation. ALL THE ANGST!

I no longer have a taglist. Please follow @rampitupandread and turn on notifications to learn when I post! 😘

I Do NOT Consent to my work being reposted, translated or presented on any other blog or site other than by myself.

------

You were propped on the couch, leg elevated, trying to read through an email you’d already started four times.

Your concentration was shot.

The burn on your leg throbbed, the skin pulling tight whenever you shifted. You were looking forward to PT, and thinking, more than you wanted to admit, about the handsome firefighter who’d carried you out of the flames.

It would be hard to forget Fire Lieutenant James Barnes.

And you'd tried over the past three days.

He was kind to visit you in the hospital and help you get settled at Amyra’s. The memory of his rough, but gentle hands changing your bandages, and the way he looked at you like you were worth saving, was etched into your mind.

Thankfully, now you had time to forget him.

Amyra stood in the kitchen with her phone pressed to her ear, voice low.

“No, I’m serious,” she was saying. “She knows she can’t drive. She’s being stubborn.”

You closed your eyes, pressing your lips together, wondering who she was talking to.

Don’t eavesdrop, you told yourself. You’d already asked enough of everyone.

But you didn’t have to try hard to hear when she switched it to speaker.

“…I can take her,” Bucky’s voice came out, rough and unmistakable.

“Every day?” Amyra asked. “You’ve got to work, too.”

“I’m off rotation for the next week. After that, the guys will take shifts.”

“Which guys?”

You turned your head just in time to hear another voice in the background, warm and amused.

“Yeah, Amyra, we’ll take turns,” Steve said. “I can take the week after Buck, Levinson can do some days along with Sy. We got you.”

“Jesus,” you muttered under your breath, mortified.

Amyra ignored you.

“She’s going to hate this.”

“She doesn’t get a say,” Bucky replied, no hesitation at all.

You scoffed and Amyra smiled faintly.

“You’re on speaker. She can hear you.”

There was silence. Then Bucky’s voice again.

“You’re not driving,” he said. “End of discussion.”

“I’m fine,” you snapped, hating how petty you sounded.

“No, you’re not,” he said calmly. “Call it community service.”

Your stomach dipped. Amyra raised her brows at you, like she could read your every thought.

Another voice chimed in, Levinson this time, all lazy drawl, “I’ll bring coffee, Sweetheart.”

Syverson laughed in the background, “And I’ll bring flowers. Make it a real date.”

“Oh my god!,” you hissed, scrubbing a hand over your face.

Amyra bit back a smile as Bucky growled out, “Ignore them.”

“Barnes,” you ground out, “you don’t have to…”

“I know,” Bucky interrupted, voice softer now. “I’m doing it anyway.”

You swallowed hard.

“Tomorrow,” he said, all finality. “Nine sharp.”

The call ended, leaving the room too quiet. Amyra slipped her phone into her pocket.

“You okay?” she asked, her voice gentle.

You didn’t say anything. Just pressed your lips together and looked at the wall. Amyra caught the look on your face and sighed.

“You don’t have to like it,” she said gently. “You just have to let people help you.”

You couldn’t answer, so you just nodded, a lump in your throat.

—---

You were waiting on the porch when his truck pulled up, because you couldn’t stand the thought of him ringing the bell and Amyra answering with that knowing smile.

He stepped out, and for a second, neither of you spoke. He looked unfairly good in a black t-shirt and jeans, hair still damp from a shower.

His gaze swept over you, from your braced leg to the bag slung over your shoulder, like he was trying to gauge exactly how much you were holding back.

“You need help?” he asked quietly.

“No,” you said, a little too fast.

His eyes flicked down your body, over your leg, back up to your face. It affected you.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “I can see that.”

You made it down the steps without stumbling. But when you stopped at his passenger side, you hesitated. The truck sat too high, the step too awkward to get to with your leg. You braced your hand on the door frame, willing yourself to ignore the tightness in your leg.

Then you felt it, his palm, warm and wide, settling on your waist.

“Hey,” he said, his voice low, almost gentle. “Let me.”

“I can…”

“You can let me,” he cut in, and there was something in the way he said it that made your heart stutter.

Before you could protest, he bent and lifted you, one arm under your knees, the other bracing your back.

You couldn’t help it, your hands flew to his shoulders, clutching the thick stretch of muscle there. He smelled like clean soap and faint smoke, and it made something behind your ribs ache.

He set you carefully on the seat, one big hand lingering on your knee longer than it needed to. When he stepped back, he didn’t look away.

“You good?” he asked, voice lower.

You swallowed. “Yeah.”

He nodded once and closed the door.

—----

The cab was too quiet.

You stared out the window, pretending to be fascinated by the city streets you’d driven a hundred times.

Halfway there, you finally spoke.

“You don’t have to do this,” you said, your voice small.

He didn’t look over.

“I know.”

“Then why are you?”

He blew out a slow breath.

“Because you almost died,” he said, his voice rough.

“And you think you have to do everything by yourself.”

You looked back at the window because you couldn’t look at him and still pretend you were okay.

“That doesn’t mean you owe me anything.”

“It’s not about owing.”

“Then what is it about?”

His fingers tightened on the steering wheel, the leather creaking under his grip.

“Call it paying it forward,” he said after a moment.

Your chest went tight.

Community service.

Paying it forward.

You were a charity case to him. A lump formed in your throat and you turned back to the window so he couldn’t see your face.

You rode the rest of the way in silence.

———

He helped you down again, and when you tried to protest, “I can walk, Lieutenant,” he ignored it, bracing his hand on your elbow and keeping it there until you were steady.

Your therapist was kind but unrelenting. By the end, your muscles were shaking, and you were blinking back frustrated tears.

When you were wheeled back out, Bucky was leaning against the reception counter, arms folded, watching the door. His gaze softened when he saw you.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re always fine,” he murmured, but he didn’t push it.

This time you ignored his remark, but when he helped you up, you didn’t pretend you didn’t need it.

—-

The silence was different now, heavier. Not angry. Just full of everything neither of you would say.

When he pulled into Amyra’s driveway, Bucky cut the engine but didn’t move to open the door. He sat there for a second, hands on the wheel.

“You’re not alone in this,” he said finally, voice quiet and rough.

“Even if you want to be.”

You closed your eyes.

“I know.”

When you opened them again, he was already out of the truck, reaching for your door. He opened it, and you started to move, attempting to swing your leg down.

He caught your wrist.

“Don’t,” he murmured.

You looked up at him, ready to argue. But something in his face, something resolute and almost raw, stopped you.

And this time, you didn’t fight it.

When he lifted you, your hands came up instinctively, gripping the collar of his t-shirt and your head went against his chest, familiar now. You could feel his heartbeat against your cheek.

And you could also feel the way his breath went unsteady.

Neither of you said a word as he carried you up the walk easily, like it was second nature holding you this way.

When he set you down just inside the door, you didn’t step back right away; your hands were still curled in his shirt and his palms were still braced around your waist.

For a second, you just stood there, breathing the same air. Then you looked away and took a shaky step back.

“Thank you,” you whispered.

He swallowed, his voice thick.

“Anytime.”

—-------

You were resettled on the couch, leg propped up, your laptop balanced across your thighs. You’d been typing for an hour, trying to pretend your whole body didn’t feel like a live wire.

You were trying to focus on anything to keep from thinking about the way he’d carried you.

And the way it had felt to let him.

You didn’t hear the door open, and you didn’t realize he was there until his shadow fell across the screen.

“You’re supposed to be resting,” Bucky said, scowling as he set the takeout and prescriptions on the coffee table.

Your head snapped up, startled.

“I am.” You gestured at the couch. “Look. Reclining. Very restful.”

His eyes dropped from your face to the laptop.

“Close it.”

“No.”

He stepped closer, and you felt it, how much heat he radiated, how your breath caught even before he spoke again.

“You need to heal,” he said, softer now, like he was trying to be careful.

“I need to work,” you snapped, your voice cracking with exhaustion you couldn’t hide. “You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

His jaw flexed.

“I’m not telling you because I want to control you,” he said, voice dropping lower, rougher. “I’m telling you because I…”

He stopped, like he’d surprised himself.

“…because working is not resting.”

You stared at him, holding your breath.

He took another step, close enough that you felt dizzy with it.

“And I’m not going to stand here and watch you compromise your recovery."

Then he reached out and closed the laptop. His hand was so big it covered most of it. You watched his thick fingers press it closed, and watched every option you had for pretending you weren’t thinking about him disappear.

You should have been angry.

But you were just…wrecked.

Your pulse thumped everywhere at once. You sucked in a shaky breath because he was still right there, close enough that if you leaned forward, your mouth would brush his shirt.

“I’m not your responsibility,” you whispered.

His hand stayed braced on the back of the couch, close enough that you felt surrounded.

“Too late,” he said, his voice low and rough, and you felt it right between your legs.

You didn’t look away. Couldn’t.

For one dizzy second, you thought he might kiss you.

And God, you wanted him to.

—----

You were going to break him.

He knew it in the way you looked up at him, eyes dark and wide and a little dazed. The way your lips parted when he leaned in. The way you didn’t pull back.

He was still trying to convince himself this was just about keeping you safe. Just about duty. But that lie was wearing thin. So thin he could feel it tearing.

God, he was trying.

Trying not to imagine how soft your mouth would feel under his. Or how you’d sound if he pushed you back into the cushions and touched you the way he was already dreaming about.

Trying not to remember the heat that sparked up his spine when your eyes flicked to his mouth.

And stayed.

You shifted in your seat like you were restless, like you were thinking about the same thing he was. That look on your face, combined with the way your thighs pressed together, was going to ruin him.

He left before he did something he’d never be able to take back.

Before he asked you if you were wet for him already.

Because he already knew.

—----

It had been a long day.

Therapy. The impossible ache in your body. Bucky’s presence.

It was all too much.

You fell asleep exhausted, but it didn’t take long for your dreams to slide somewhere you didn’t let yourself think about when you were awake.

In the dream, you were standing in your burned-out bedroom. The walls were blackened, the smell of smoke thick in your throat. But you weren’t afraid, because he was there.

Bucky.

He didn’t have a mask. Didn’t have gear. Didn't have a shirt. Just Bucky, in his uniform pants and suspenders, so hot and so close you could feel the heat coming off his skin.

He reached for you, and when his hand closed around your wrist, and you felt it everywhere.

He kissed you like he’d been starving for it, tongue sweeping into your mouth with a low, rough sound. Your hands slid up his arms, over the thick straps of his suspenders, feeling the flex and hard pull of muscle beneath.

When he broke away, his forehead pressed to yours, his breath ragged.

“Say you want this,” he whispered, voice frayed.

Your heart skipped a beat. Your mouth opened, but nothing came out.

His hand slid up your ribcage, callused palm grazing the curve of your breast, thumb over your nipple, and your whole body shuddered.

“Say it,” he rasped, and then he kissed you again, so hard it stole every thought you had.

You woke with your hand between your thighs, gasping, your skin flushed and your heart slamming so loud it felt like it might jump out of your chest.

It was just a dream, you told yourself. Just your mind filling in the blanks.

But when you finally drifted back to sleep, you hoped, god, you hoped, you’d dream of him again.

—----

Amyra was stirring creamer into her coffee when you walked in the kitchen, face still flushed.

She didn’t look up at first.

“You okay?” she asked lightly, though there was something too knowing in her voice.

You cleared your throat. “Fine.”

“Mhm.” She set the spoon down, turning just enough to smirk.

“Because it sounded like you were having a pretty good time last night.”

Your stomach dropped. “Oh my god.”

“Calling Bucky’s name.”

She tapped her finger on her mug.

“Interesting.”

“It’s not…” Your voice cracked.

“It’s not what you think.”

“Sure.” She folded her arms, clearly savoring every second.

“Want to talk about it?”

“It’s common,” you blurted.“To, um. Have dreams about people who are…supportive. It’s just a psychological thing. He’s just …”

“A friend?”

“Yes,” you said too fast. “Just a friend.”

Amyra lifted her brows.

“Uh-huh.”

And when she turned back to the sink, you closed your eyes, because you both knew that wasn’t true.

“It was just a dream,” you mumbled, though the way your heart was still racing said it wasn’t that simple.

-----

Every night that week, Bucky lay in his too-big bed, staring up at the cracked ceiling, cursing himself for wanting you this much.

He tried to tell himself it was just about protecting you.

About doing the right thing.

But in the dark, when he closed his eyes, he would remember exactly how you’d looked that day, your eyes soft, your hands curled in his shirt like you were scared to let go when he carried you.

And then he’d imagine what it would feel like if you didn’t let him go.

If you pulled him closer.

If you said his name in that voice that made him feel like he’d won the goddamn world.

More than once, he’d slid his hand into his boxers, pressing his palm over the thick, aching weight of himself while he thought about your mouth, your body, the way you’d sound when you came for him.

Sometimes, when he was too far gone to stop, he’d let himself imagine more.

Your legs wrapped around his hips. Your nails biting into his back. Your lips parting to tell him he was the only one you wanted.

It was torture.

But it was the only place he could have you. Because he had a duty to help you, not take advantage of you.

And every morning, he’d wake up with your name on his tongue, the sheets a mess around him, and the hollow ache in his chest worse than before.

Because he knew, no matter how hard he tried, he was never going to be able to want you any less.

—-----

The rest of the week continued in much the same fashion, both of you torturing yourselves internally while being painfully polite on the surface.

Except when he kept carrying you into the truck and into Amyra’s house.

And except when you caught each other staring and pretended not to.

On Friday, you’d tried to reclaim a shred of your pride, insisting you could manage the stairs alone.

Bucky just looked at you, unimpressed, before lifting you into his arms anyway.

And god help you, you didn’t protest.

The weekend was supposed to be a break. You’d told Bucky, more firmly this time, that he deserved to relax, that you’d leave him alone.

He went quiet, like he wanted to argue but couldn’t find the words.

“I didn’t ask for that,” he said finally, voice low.

But he backed off, and both of you spent two days trying not to replay every look, every touch, every dream.

You didn’t quite succeed.

—--

Monday morning, you tried to look forward to Steve taking you to therapy. It was his week and he was always so kind.

But when the doorbell finally rang, it wasn’t him.

It was Ari Levinson, leaning against the porch rail with two coffees in hand and an easy smile.

“Morning, Principal,” he called, voice warm and amused.

You blinked. “Where’s Steve?”

Ari shrugged, like it didn’t matter as he handed you a cup.

“Had an important meeting. I volunteered to cover.”

You swallowed, feeling something you didn’t want to name.

Ari walked you to the passenger side. He wasn’t as big as Bucky, but he was still tall with lean muscle, long legs and casual confidence that made your pulse skip.

“Need a hand?” he asked, one brow lifted.

“I’m fine,” you lied.

“Yeah,” he said, grinning wider. “I can see that.”

When you hesitated, his hand came out, warm and steady on your elbow.

“Easy,” he murmured, guiding you up.

Once you were settled, he leaned in the open door, bracing a forearm on the roof so you had no choice but to look at him.

“You know,” he said, voice dropping, “some people would’ve stayed home and let everyone wait on them.”

You lifted your chin. “I’m not most people.”

His gaze flicked to your mouth.

No,” he agreed. “And I’m very aware of that.”

Your heart thumped as he shut the door and walked around slipping into the driver’s seat.

—--

The silence wasn’t as charged as it was with Bucky, it was just there, with no subtext.

For you, at least.

“Your boyfriend’s very protective,” Ari said eventually, voice casual.

Your stomach tightened because you knew exactly who he was talking about.

Bucky.

“He’s not…”

Ari’s mouth curved slyly. “No?”

“Not my boyfriend,” you finished, too fast.

He hummed, tapping the wheel with two fingers. “Huh.”

“What?” you demanded.

His grin flashed, bright and just a little dangerous.

“Then you should let me take you out sometime.”

You opened your mouth, then closed it again, because your brain had apparently short-circuited.

Ari glanced over, amused.

“Just think about it. Couldn’t hurt. I admire you. And I think you’re very attractive.” he drawled, eyes sliding over you, like it was no big deal at all.

Your heart thumped so hard it hurt.

And maybe it was easier to let someone like Ari see you this way.

Someone you didn’t already dream about.

Someone who hadn’t carried you out of the dark, over and over, until you didn’t know where gratitude ended and something else began.

Because wanting Bucky Barnes felt dangerous. Like if you gave in to it, there wouldn’t be anything left of you he didn’t already have.

But your pulse wouldn’t stop hammering.

—----

That night, Bucky had been finishing paperwork in the station when Ari strolled in, grin lazy, eyes too bright.

“Barnes,” Ari drawled, propping a shoulder against the doorframe.

“Your principal friend, she’s doing a lot better.”

Bucky’s stomach went tight as he tried to stay calm. “Yeah?”

“She looked good,” Ari went on, like he hadn’t noticed the warning in Bucky’s tone.

“Said she was feeling strong enough to drive next week.”

Bucky nodded stiffly.

Ari tilted his head, smile widening.

“She also said you weren’t her man.”

The words hit like a punch to the gut but there was no reason why they should.

He wasn’t your boyfriend.

Bucky didn’t move. Didn’t let it show.

Ari’s grin sharpened.

“Figured I’d ask. And she didn’t say no when I offered to take her out sometime.”

Bucky’s hands flexed at his sides and his jaw locked so tight it hurt.

“You know,” Ari mused, tapping the doorframe, “it’s not a bad thing, letting someone else step in. Can’t be everywhere all the time, Barnes.”

“Get out,” Bucky said, voice low.

Ari’s grin didn’t fade.

“Sure,” he said lightly. “Just letting you know, you should never leave food on the table.”

When he left, Bucky stood there for a long time, breathing hard.

He knew he had no claim. But the thought of Ari, or anyone else, thinking they could be what you needed made him shake with rage.

—---

When Bucky pulled up to your house, he knew he should’ve called first. Or let Steve take the day like he’d offered.

But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t stand the thought of you getting close to someone other than him. Smiling at them the way you smiled at him when you were too tired to pretend you didn’t trust him.

He got out and tried to look neutral, tried to look like the professional he was supposed to be. But when you stepped onto the porch, beautiful as ever, proud, that wary look in your eyes, something in his chest twisted up tight.

God help him, he wanted you.

Wanted you in ways that had nothing to do with duty or guilt.

More than he’d wanted anything in a long, long time.

And he didn’t know how much longer he could keep pretending he didn’t.

—-----

You were half-dressed and running late when you heard a familiar engine rumble to a stop out front, and your heart did a stupid little jump.

Steve, you reminded yourself firmly. It’s Steve today.

You grabbed your bag and pulled the door open, only to stop short.

Bucky was leaning against the hood of his truck, arms folded over his chest, black t-shirt clinging to the cut of his broad shoulders.

Your stomach flipped.

“I thought…” you blurted, clutching the strap of your bag.

“I thought Steve was coming.”

“I switched with him,” he said evenly.

You swallowed. “Why?”

His jaw flexed.

“Wanted to see for myself how you were doing.”

Your heart did that annoying skip thing again, and you told yourself it was irritation, not something softer. For a second, neither of you moved. Then he nodded at the steps.

“You need help?”

“I’m fine.”

One brow lifted, skeptical.

You sighed, your voice small. “A little.”

He climbed the porch and set his hand around your waist and you tried not to lean into it.

—---

The ride to therapy was torture.

He kept telling himself he had no right to feel like this. No claim on you.

But he couldn’t stop replaying Ari’s voice in his head: She didn’t say no.

When you finally spoke, your voice was so careful he almost wished you’d just yell at him.

“Ari talked to you?”

His eyes didn’t leave the road.

“Yeah.”

“Bucky…”

He exhaled hard, voice rough.

“I don’t like the way he looks at you.”

And there it was. The thing he shouldn’t have admitted. The thing he couldn’t pretend wasn’t eating him alive.

Your pulse skittered.

“That’s not your problem,” you managed.

His hand flexed on the wheel.

“Yeah,” he said finally. “That’s the thing. It is.”

You didn’t dare ask what he meant, and he didn’t offer to explain.

But the air in the cab felt too close, too warm. Like you were both one breath away from admitting something you couldn’t take back.

—--

The drive home felt longer. You watched the trees blur past, all the things you hadn’t said pressing against your throat. When he finally pulled into Amyra’s driveway, you didn’t reach for the door right away.

“Bucky,” you murmured.

He turned to look at you, blue eyes tired, full of things you didn’t have names for.

“I don’t want to make this harder,” you whispered.

His throat worked.

“You’re not,” he said, voice low. “You couldn’t.”

And you knew he believed it. Knew he meant every word.

That was the problem.

He got out without another word and came around to open your door. When he helped you down, his palm fit too perfectly against your waist, the heat of it sinking through your clothes like a brand.

When he handed you your bag, his fingers brushed yours, and you felt it, that sharp, impossible want you’d been pretending wasn’t there.

“Thanks,” you said softly.

His gaze flicked to your mouth, then away.

“No problem,” he said roughly.

He stepped back and waited until you’d made it up the porch before he climbed into the truck and pulled away. You watched the taillights until they disappeared.

And you felt emptier than you wanted to admit.

—---

Amyra was standing in the kitchen when you came in, your face hot. She took one look at you and folded her arms across her chest.

“You look like you just got back from a funeral,” she said mildly.

You swallowed. “I’m fine.”

“That’s your favorite lie,” she shot back. “How’d it go?”

“Fine.”

Her eyebrow arched. “Fine, or fine?”

You shot her a look.

“Don’t do that,” she said, voice gentler. “Don’t act like I can’t tell when something’s wrong.”

“I’m good,” you lied, voice shaky.

Amyra tilted her head, studying you.

“You know,” she said quietly, “if you don’t want him to care, you’ve got to stop looking at him like that.”

“Like what?” you demanded.

“Like he’s the only thing keeping you standing.”

You sighed. “We’re just…”

“If you say friends,” she cut in, “I’m throwing this mug at you.”

You looked down at the floor, because you couldn’t look at her and pretend you believed it.

You opened your mouth, then closed it, because you didn’t have anything else, and she let you walk past her to your room without another word.

—---

You were sitting in bed with the lamp off when your phone buzzed.

Bucky: Steve will take you tomorrow.

Your chest went tight as you stared at the message. He wasn’t coming. He was pulling away.

You: Why?

A long pause. Three dots blinked, disappeared.

Bucky: I’ve got a thing.

Nothing else.

You turned your phone over on the nightstand, your pulse too loud in your ears.

And you wondered if this was the part where you were supposed to let him go.

—--

When Bucky climbed back into his truck, he felt like his chest was too small for how hard his heart was beating.

You’d looked at him like you were waiting for something, like you needed him to finish a sentence he didn’t have the courage to say.

It is my problem.

Because I can’t stand the thought of you with anyone else.

Because he can't have you.

Because I’m in love with you.

He scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to get his breathing under control.

He knew he was making this worse. Every time he touched you, every time he picked you up, every time he let himself feel it, he was building something that would hurt you when it fell apart.

Because it had to.

Because you deserved better than a half-broken firefighter who didn’t know how to keep things simple.

By the time he made it back to the station, he’d decided the only thing he could do, the only thing that might save you from the mess he’d already made, was to step back.

Just enough to give you space to breathe.

Just enough to give himself a chance to get his shit together.

When he finally texted you, he tried to pretend it didn’t feel like cutting something vital out of his own chest.

When you wrote back “Why?” he almost called you.

Almost drove back across town to take it back.

But instead he forced himself to type.

I’ve got a thing.

And then he set his phone down, bowed his head and told himself this was the right thing.

He had to believe it.

Because if he didn’t, he was going to show up at your door and tell you the truth: That you were the only thing he’d thought about since the night he carried you out of that fire.

And he didn’t think he could ever stop.

#bucky barnes #sebastian stan characters #sebastian stan #firefighter!bucky #firefighter!bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x reader smut #firefighter! bucky x principal! reader #firefighter au!#slow burn #bucky barnes angst #ari levinson #steve rogers #captain syverson

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keirareidss · 13 hours ago

Text

the delivery - s.r

♡ summary: spencer anxiously waits on you to decide when to go to the hospital pairing: husband!spencer reid x pregnant!wife!reader warnings: basically just that episode of the office (S6 E17), reader is pregnant, descriptions of pregnancy, contractions wc: 3.3k from the results of this poll

Nine months. Nine months you'd suffered nausea, fatigue, back pain, swollen ankles, swollen breasts, and mood swings. And nine months your husband had tended to you hand and foot, getting you everything you needed, making sure you were as comfortable as possible.

You had continued going to work, staying out of the field but needing the fulfillment of doing something during the day. Spencer had protested but ultimately lost the debate. You just had to promise to be careful, stay off your feet as much as you could, and let him know immediately if something went wrong. He didn't care if he was halfway across the country, he'd hitchhike his way back if you had so much as a foot cramp.

Rossi and you had gotten closer during your pregnancy, him bringing in home cooked meals, whatever you had been craving lately, and eating it with you at lunch while explaining how he made it and what went into it. He was very precise with how his dishes were made and the fact that you were hungry a lot more often meant he could try out some of his new recipes on you.

You were sitting in the kitchenette with him now, trying his new spin on pesto pasta.

"I was thinking, maybe we should do something special before you go on maternity leave. One last perfect meal."

"Mmm, that sounds great, what are you thinking?"

"I think it should be a surprise." You suddenly feel a tightening pain in your stomach and your eyes close, lips pressing together as you let out a groan of pain.

"Ooh. Getting close, huh?" Emily asked, shutting the fridge door and leaning against it, looking at you with a grimace.

"No no. I still have time." You waved her off. You planned on waiting until midnight to go to the hospital so you could have a full extra day there, surrounded by doctors. It just pained Spencer to see you having to push through the pain.

You were standing by the copier when you got another contraction. You reminded yourself, they're irregular and far apart, so you'll be fine. You groaned, squeezing your eyes shut as your hand found your back where the pain was the worst.

Spencer's head snapped up watching you carefully as Derek came around the corner, Penelope in tow.

"You're having contractions? That means you're in labor right? You should go to the hospital." Derek suggested, sending you a sympathetic glance.

"We're not going to the hospital yet, we're going to wait until midnight." You said, your voice tight as you shuffled back to your chair, Derek following close behind.

"Oh, why?" He asked, leaning against your desk as Emily and JJ lifted their heads to listen in.

"Because the insurance company only covers two nights." Spencer explained.

"Everything's fine. We have plenty of time." You assured them all.

"Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out, and they just plop them on the table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and-"

"Okay, okay, thanks Pen, that's really good to know. Thank you."

You let out a breath as your contraction ended. Spencer, who'd been watching from the copy machine, rushed over.

"That's seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening."

"Hold on, hold on. You chuckled, cutting him off as he bent down, trying to help you stand from your chair. "It isn't midnight yet." His excited smile dropped.

"Are you serious? Angel..."

"No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes."

"I-"

"I'm gonna be okay, we should really try to make it to midnight."

"Honey, please."

"Yeah, you really should try to make it because if your baby's born tomorrow, he'll have the same birthday as the late great Johnny Hodges. The greatest saxophonist of all time."

"Did you hear that? Johnny Hodges." Spencer scoffs with a smile and stands up.

"Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart."

"Five minutes." You nodded as he backed away to his own desk.

You sank into your chair, eyes closed, as the pain slowly subsided.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay..." You whispered breathily. Spencer's eyes were locked on you, worry clear in his face. Your eyes open and you catch his stare. "Okay, stop watching me."

"Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like figuring out dinner." He said sarcastically.

"Mm hmm."

"Steak is 20% off, well now till Friday, that's a big deal, while we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and just do a quick check?" You click your tongue, shoulders still tense.

"Not till midnight." He purses his lips defeatedly.

"So have you guys thought about names yet?" JJ asks, standing beside your desk, a warm mug of coffee in her hand. God, you missed coffee. The sweet dark taste of it, warming your mouth- alright, stop thinking about it.

"We actually have them picked out already." You said, smiling at Spencer.

"Uh, Diana Lily Reid if it's a girl, and Jude Gideon Reid if it's a boy."

"Oh, those are so cute." JJ gushed. You chatted for a couple minutes before your next contraction came on, jolting through you. Your hand found your stomach as your face scrunched in pain. JJ squeezed your shoulder in support as Spencer ran a hand through his hair.

"Angel, we really should-"

"Spencer." Your tone was scolding and he quickly shut his mouth, biting the inside of his cheek. The contraction passed and you took a few deep breaths.

"I think this is a bad idea." Spencer mrumurs.

"I know, honey, why don't you practice diapering again?" You suggested to get his mind off of it.

"I've already done that, I'm down to 21.3 seconds." He mutters, his leg bouncing. He'd been practicing changing diapers on anything he could find, a fake doll he'd brought in, a football from Derek's desk, he'd even practiced on one of Penelope's large cat figurines.

You were on your way back to your desk from the bathroom when you felt another contraction, the worst of them, shooting through your abdomen. You stopped in your tracks, changing course to one of the couches near the door. The cushions provided you with little relief, though, Spencer noticed immediately and rushed over, sitting next to you and taking your hand.

Your eyes shut tight, you squeezed his hand hard with your other hand over your stomach, groaning in pain.

"Oh! Oh, alright." He shifted on the couch, grabbing your clasped hands in his other one as you threatened to break his bones in your fist. "That's a good one." Spencer winced.

"Ow... okay." You breathed out, letting go of Spencer's hand. He bent, his elbows on his thighs as he put his mouth in his hand, deeply considering his life choices.

"Honey, maybe we should-"

"Don't even suggest it Spencer. We're waiting."

"I know." He sighs. He sits with you, rubbing you back soothingly and around six minutes later, another contraction comes on.

"That's every six minutes." Emily chimes in, checking her watch.

"Okay, you know what?" Spencer shifts restlessly in his seat, moving to stand. "I'm gonna go give the doctor a quick call, he'll probably know-"

"Spence, please." He sits back down next to you, glancing at the ceiling for a moment before looking down. "Happy thoughts here? Happy times."

"Why don't you just figure out the ways to induce labor and do the opposite of those?" Morgan suggested.

"You know what? Great idea, Derek, let's do that." You agreed, reaching out to take your husbands hand. Derek turned, looking up a list.

"Alright, number one, stimulate her nipples."

"Easy, no one's doing that, move to the next one." Penelope said and Derek scrolled down. Spencer bent, putting his hand in his hands, elbows on his thighs as he bounced his leg and tugged at his hair.

"Uh, walk around. Great she's already doing the opposite of that."

"Number three. Having sex. Well what's the opposite of having sex?" Penelope said and Spencer shot up from his seat, shaking his head.

"Nope, nope, come on, let's go to the hospital,"

"Spence,"

"Let's go to the hospital now."

"Spencer, honey, I love you,"

"Mhm." He said tensely, putting his hands on his hips.

"But you're really distracting me from my distractions."

"Okay, well, I'm sorry."

"Why don't you go do some work?" You gestured to his desk and he ran a hand through his unruly hair.

"Great. I will do that. Sorry, I just feel a little bit frazzled and you know how very rarely I use that word."

"I know. You don't like to be frazzled."

"No, I don't." He said, sounding a bit like a grumpy child as he walked back to his desk. He stops to grab a stack of books on pregnancy that he's kept close just in case before walking out. Hotch, having come out of his office to watch the amusing spectacle, followed him out, a bit worried about his anxious protegee.

"I know her better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy, she's crazy. I'm not crazy, she's crazy." Spencer repeated, pacing the hallway, his hair tousled from constantly running his hands through it.

"Reid." Hotch says gently.

"No, no, she's not crazy, I shouldn't say that. She's just pregnant. But she needs to be at the hospital and she's not listening to me."

"Reid." Aaron repeats but Spencer sinks to the floor, grabbing a book as his legs stretch out into the middle of the hallway, his back against the wall as he quickly finds the page he's looking for.

"Five to seven minutes." He points to the line in the page, grabbing another book to find the same information. "Five to seven minutes." It's almost as if he's talking to himself as he grabs a third book, searching for the information again. "Six minutes- different, but not really." He picks up the fourth book as Aaron watches on silently. "Five to seven minutes."

Spencer's head falls back against the wall as he looks at the ceiling. His gaze falls down on Hotch across from him.

"Reid, take a break. You're stressing yourself out here. She knows herself and she knows her body. She'll come to you when she's ready."

"You're right." Spencer mumbles, getting to his feet. "I think I'm gonna go sit in the car for a bit. I need some fresh air." Aaron nods, watching him leave, a hand threading through his hair and tugging slightly.

Spencer is sitting in your car in the parking garage, staring off into space when he hears a gentle knock on the window. He sees you giving him a soft smile and rolls the window down, leaning closer to you.

"Hey."

"Hey." You gave him a small wave. "I'm not gonna get in the car, because I know if I do you'll try to drive me to the hospital."

"You know me too well." He chuckles anxiously, the smile quickly falling, replaced with a tense expression.

"Okay, Spence?"

"Yeah?"

"Everything is fine,"

"Totally." He mumbles.

"You don't have to worry, try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay?" You chuckled a bit, trying to reassure him. He smiles but it quickly drops when he registers what you said.

"Did you say she?" You smile falls as well.

"I called the doctor, like, a week ago. I couldn't wait." His eyes go hazy as he stares at the spot next to you. You can't gauge how he's feeling and a pit forms in your stomach. "Oh, go, don't be mad." You breathed.

"Mad?" His eyes are teary as he looks up at you. "How could I be mad? We're having a little girl."

"Mhm." You let a small, hesitant smile form, still unsure of what he's feeling.

"We're having a little girl. Oh, wow." He sighs and you giggled a bit in relief.

"I know."

"All right. Well I definitely feel better."

"Good." You grinned, leaning down to kiss him through the window opening. He turns to watch you as you head back inside but he notices something.

"Hey, did you change?" You turn back around.

"Oh, yeah. My water broke." You giggled.

"Oh." He chuckles and you turn, walking away and his smile quickly falls. "Oh."

You walk back inside, shedding your coat but you quickly pause as pain shoots through you.

"Oh! Woah..." You pause to lean against the wall and Derek gets up, rushing to you. Hotch looks up, coming out of his office to survey from the balcony. "Haa!" You breathe out, Derek steadying you.

"Okay, alright, it's time, time to go to the hospital, somebody get Reid."

"No, not yet Derek, it's not midnight yet. And I still need to try Rossi's dish, where is he?" You head to the kitchen as Derek looks on helplessly. He shoots a text to Spencer who comes up quickly, though, he knows he won't be able to convince you to go to the hospital.

You sit down with Rossi in the kitchenette as he prepares the meal. Spencer paces nearby, his thumb and pointer finger working at his temple, his other hand stuffed in his pocket, clenched into a fist.

"Alright it's essentially a three course meal. First, we have Bistecca alla Fiorentina, a steak that was grilled to rare perfection, and then we have-" He cuts himself off when he notices that your face is all scrunched up and your hunching over slightly. "Are you okay?" He asks, reaching out to put a hand on your arm.

"Mhm." Your voice is tight and in a higher pitch from the pain. "Yes, I'm fine. Um..."

"Are you sure?" He asks gently.

"Yeah, the doctor said it's still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it!" Your voice breaks at the end, raising louder as the pain sharpens.

"Okay, Spencer-" Derek, who'd been sitting by, watching with worry, called to his friend who rushed over, immediately looking down at you. "I think it's time to go to the hospital.

"Alright, time to go? Let's do this."

"No, no it's better." Your voice was a wavering whine as you tried to breathe through it. "That wasn't even the worst of 'em- I'm fine." Spencer bends slightly, his hand on your back.

"Hey, come on, let go to the hospital."

"They're not that bad still, Spence." He says your name in a firm voice. "No, it's passing, it's fine."

"Honey, it's time. Let's go to the hospital."

"It's okay." You whined in protest.

"I really think we should go to the hospital."

"No it passed now, it's fine."

"You know what, I'm not asking anymore." He reaches down, one hand at your back, the other grabbing your arm as he tried to pull you to your feet. Rossi's hand was at your other arm, more hesitant in trying to help you up. "We got to go."

"No, I'm not going."

"We need to go." He changed his positioning as you resisted his attempts.

"No, no come on, I'm not going, okay?!" You shouted, making all three men back off in surprise but you were staring directly at Spencer, your eyebrows furrowed. "I'm not going today, because I can't do it, I don't think I can do it." Your voice broke as tears sprung to your eyes and Spencer immediately crouched down in front of you, his hand on your knee as his voice soffented.

"Hey, hey, are you kidding me? If anyone can do this, you can do this. If you can take down two unsubs on your own with no back up, you can do this. Angel, I'm scared. But the best news is, we're having a baby today. So let's have it at the hospital." His gentle voice successfully soothed you and he turned his head slightly to address Derek. "How are we doing on contractions?"

"Two minutes apart."

"Two min-" Spencer froze, tightening his lips.

"Oh god." You said as you realized what that meant. "Oh no." Spencer stood, turning to face Derek.

"Morgan I told you to warn me at five minutes."

"Spence, we waited too long." Your voice was filled with worry.

"We waited too long. Two minutes doesn't do us any good-"

"I know." Derek tried to calm him.

"Well, what happened to four and three?" Your breathing sped up as tears started forming again. He sighed sharply, running a hand through his hair and turning back to you.

"I don't wanna have my baby here." You whimpered.

"You're not going to, you know where we're going?"

"The hospital."

"Yes and we're going to have a baby, okay?" You nodded and Spencer gently helped you out of your seat but, internally, he was freaking out, forcing himself to put a brave face on for you. He ran to get your bags from the desk before rushing back, putting an arm around your back to lead you out of the precinct.

"Oh, good luck, guys!" Penelope called to you, the team gathering in the middle of the bullpen to wish you goodbye.

"Bye, good luck!" JJ smiled brightly, as the two of you hurried out the door.

After nineteen long hard hours of labor, she was out, cleaned up and swaddled, in your arms. Spencer was laying in the bed beside you, his arms gently around you as he stared at your baby in awe. She was beautiful, the perfect mix of both of you. Diana Lily Reid, named after Spencer's mother and your favorite flower, had Spencer's eyes and bone structure, and your nose and lips.

"She's perfect." You whispered, brushing your pinky down her tiny nose, barely grazing her skin, not wanting to wake her.

"I know." Spencer agreed. You turned to look at him. "How are you feeling?" He asked softly.

"Better. Still a little sore." He hums, kissing your temple.

"Good." The door opened slowly and Penelope poked her head in.

"Is this the little baby Reid?" She asked quietly, coming into the room. The rest of the team was behind her with various gifts, Derek carrying balloons, Aaron holding a teddy bear with a bow around its neck. "Oh, she's gorgeous!" Penelope gushed.

"I made you a bunch of easy meals that you can heat up, I dropped them off in your fridge on the way here." JJ told you and you gave her a grateful look, grabbing her arm.

"You're a savior, JJ, thank you." She smiled.

"And we're all offering babysitting and cleaning help whenever you need it." Hotch gave you a smile and you felt tears pricking behind your eyes and the immense display of kindness.

"You guys are so sweet." Your voice wobbled and they all smiled. Spencer reached over, wiping the tears that slipped out and ran down your cheek. Spencer let you hand him your daughter as you composed yourself.

"If you guys want to hold her, there's hand sanitizer on the table over there." Spencer nodded to the nightstand. Emily was first, sanitizing before carefully taking the baby into her arms.

"Hi, baby. Hi." She cooked, smiling down at her. Diana yawned and everyone gushed as her. You knew right away that this baby would be loved by everyone in her life. She'd be close with all her aunts and uncles, closer with her parents. You'd give this baby the best life imaginable, showering her in love and care, knowing she deserved every bit of it.

Taglist: @superbeaglewitch, @perfectgoopfishuniversity-blog, totallynotabuckybarnessimp, @dramioneforevertilltheend. @cynbx, @diminombre, @tinythebunni, @pixie-verse

#criminal minds #♡ keira's fics #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid imagine

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belovedcarrion · 2 days ago

Text

Shen Qingqiu gender/sexuality stuff is honestly fascinating. Like you can fit so much internalized homophobia and also sexism in that bad boy. Now I'm sure I could write a dissertation on SQQ's deeply disturbed psyche, but instead I'm gonna tell you about a frankly absurd (bing)liushen au I came up with!

It takes place pre-abyss and miracles of miracles, Liu Qingge actually managed to confess in a way SQQ understood and accepted! They've been dating a few months! It's going great!

Except, of course, for SQQ's fixation on figuring out who exactly the wife is in his gay, male relationship with his gay, male boyfriend.

...

Obviously, it can't be LQG. Even if he's the (second) most beautiful man alive, he's also the manliest man SQQ's ever met! He fights! He frowns a lot! He looks really hot covered in blood! Which means SQQ must be the wife...

Which is fine!

SQQ knows that somebody has to be the wife, and since it can't be LQG, it must be him.

There's only one problem...SQQ is a terrible wife!

He can't cook! He can't clean! And there's no way he can be prettier than LQG! It's not possible! So how is he supposed to do this?

It is only when Luo Binghe sets a perfectly cooked meal down in front of him, in the bamboo house that LBH has kept spotless, that SQQ realizes the perfect solution...LBH can just do what he already does for SQQ for LQG too!

LBH knows how to cook! How to clean! How to plan dates! And! Most importantly! He's even more beautiful than LQG! If he weren't the stallion protagonist destined to marry hundreds of women...

...Anyway!

This of course leads to endless shenanigans where LBH just ends up third-wheeling on all of Liushen's dates, because how else is SQQ supposed to do this? LBH desperately wants to break them up. He poisons LQG's food, he sabotages LQG so that he can take his place on the dates, whatever it takes! After all if Shizun needs a wife then LBH would happily be his wife! Pleasepleaseplease

LQG is very confused why anyone needs to be the wife and also why this means bringing SQQ's favorite disciple on all their dates/missions/ect...He's dodging sabotage attempts left and right, but SQQ would never believe his precious white lotus disciple could be up to no good, so LQG is constantly trying to A) fight LBH and B) Expose him, Candace from P&F style.

SQQ, of course, believes this is working out great! Not to mention he gets to spend all his time with his two favorite people!

#my rambling #this is the least fleshed out of my aus plus the one im least likely to do something with lol #but still SQQ make LBH be his stand in wife for LQG is absurd but also something i absolutely believe he would do #his mind is a strange and twisted place...#shen qingqiu #shen yuan #liu qingge #luo binghe #liushen #bingliushen #svsss

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gothghostiie · 2 days ago

Note

Hiiiiiiiii

Woop I know you don’t always answer asks and I’ve sent several other ones but can I please have soap content?

It can be literally anything I just need a speck of thing please it can be like one sentence if you so wish I don’t care I’m just absolutely feral for him and I need something

PLEASE

-📺

Im normal :3

I apologise beloved, I have not been feeling very creative/motivated lately, even tho I really want to write 😭 you're getting something from my wips that I thought of a few weeks ago

cw: reader is unsure but ends up enjoying it, fingering, oral (reader receiving), spit as lube, praise, gn!reader (some mention of genitalia but I always mention both), abrupt ending

Nurse!Soap who works in a big hospital. he's beloved by all his colleagues, from cleaning staff to the doctors, they know and love him. and how could they not? He's a kind man, always in a good mood, accommodating to the point people think he can read minds, and he just does good work in general. the patients love him too, he's a pro at cheering up kids and the elderly people absolutely adore his charm, he's made more than one heart monitor beep a little faster with his cheeky grin.

so when you get into the hospital, naturally, he's assigned to your room. lucky for Johnny you, it's a single room (for now, the empty bed on the other side does make you feel a bit uneasy in all honesty), giving you some well needed peace and privacy to rest properly. if it wasn't for Johnny. Johnny has decided to take his job a bit too serious with you, checking in on you whenever he can, making sure you have everything you need. he's a sweetheart and you truly like him, if not for his caring personality then for his good looks, at least you've got something to look at during all the boredom. you're truly starting to wish you'd be getting a roommate, but the bed stays empty. soap even offers to push the beds together to give you a bit more room, but you just laughed and shook your head, ignoring the split second of disappointment on his face, thinking you've just imagined that.

it's a quiet night on the ward, yet you're lying awake at 2am, unable to sleep. you just switch between staring out of the window and at the ceiling, trying to figure out which will make you go insane slower, when the door pushes open slowly. in the dim light you see a mohawk poke inside, soap raises his eyebrows in surprise when he sees you looking back at him. "hey.. what are you doin' up so late?" his tone is gentle and a little teasing, hes giving you a toothy grin as he walks inside and closes the door behind him, you miss that he locks it quietly.

you smile at him with a sigh, telling him you cant sleep and you dont know why, youre tired enough for it after all. he walks closer and sits down on the side of your bed, placing a hand atop of the blanket, feeling for your thigh and 'accidentally' putting it far too close to your crotch. he frowns at you with pity, cooing something along the lines of "poor thing" while his hand inches a bit higher. "you know," he starts, "I could give you something to help you relax a bit." he offers, his tone low, like he's not supposed to say that.

you shake your head, you don't wanna take any more meds than you already do, you don't quite love taking the amount of pills you already do, and you could really stand to miss out on any injection, no matter how gentle soap is with them. but when you tell him that, he chuckles quietly and scoots closer. "I'm not gonna give you any more meds, love. gonna do something real nice for my favourite patient, alright?" you hesitate, eyeing him over once, his blue eyes have a twinkle that you can't quite read to them. before you can answer him he pulls back the blanket, exposing your pyjamas. you look at him startled, he smiles. "don't worry. Just lie back and let me take care of you, yea? that's my job after all."

you don't know why, but you listen to him. you lie back, your hands gripping the flimsy bedding a bit too tight, your hands getting damp. Johnny just smiles down at you while pulling your pyjama pants down to your knees along with your underwear, exposing you to the cold air, making your eyes widen. "johnny-"

"shh, it's alright, I promise. I'll be gentle." he winks at you, running a gentle hand over your cock/pussy. "look at that.. youre ready for me, aren't you?" he watches you twitch, smiling wider. "yea, you are." he starts touching you gently, getting you hard/wet, cooing praises at you. your mouth hangs open as you watch him, not even noticing that his free hand wanders, only realising when he's slipping his fingers into your mouth. he just grins at you. "get them nice and wet, alright? that's all you gotta do for me." he holds eye contact, giving a small, encouraging nod, smirking when he feels your tongue run over and between his calloused fingers, covering them in your saliva. he smiles as he pulls them out, watching it string between them. "good job.." he coos, shifting around to reach down, and press two slicked up fingers agaisnt your tight hole.

you gasp, tensing up, but he just chuckles quietly. "shh, it's alright. Just take a deep breath, and.." he pushes them inside, stretching you open slightly, grinning at the whine coming from your throat. "there we go.." he merely gives you a moment to adjust before he starts curling them inside you. soft moans spill from your lips, you immediately try to hold them back, not wanting anyone to hear through the paper thin walls of the hospital. one of your hands finally releases its death grip on the sheets to cover your mouth - soap immediately frowns. "nono, let me hear you. come on." he tries to coax you, gently placing the hand that was playing with your nub/cock before on your wrist, giving it a gentle tug, but you don't give way. his frown deepens, then he sighs. "You really that ashamed of your pretty little noises?" his fingers push deeper, moving faster. "ashamed someone will hear how well I take care of you?" soap tuts at you, rubbing his thumb over your wrist gently. "guess I'll just have to make sure you're louder."

with that he lets go of your wrist and dips his head down, placing a kiss on your clit/tip before wrapping his lips around it and suckling softly. your eyes widen and your hand presses down harder on your own lips, inhaling sharply through your nose. he smirks, humming approvingly before letting his tongue swirl around it, your hips twitching again. it's getting harder and harder to hold your whines back, your hands starting to hurt from how hard you're holding on, how are you're trying to shut yourself up, but johnny doesn't let up. not now that he has you right where he wanted you since you first got here a few weeks ago, not now that he can feel just how sensitive and desperate you are after not having touched yourself the whole time (he just knows you haven't, you're far too scared of someone (him) coming in and catching you in the act), not now that he can feel you clench around his fingers, not now that he knows how good you taste on his tongue. he'll only stop once he's made sure you've come undone, once he made sure you're tuckered out and ready to sleep, he's a good nurse after all.

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ao3commentoftheday · 2 days ago

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hi, first of all thank you so much for running this blog! i've followed you for a quite a while now and i can't express enough how helpful it has been!

i think this is more of a little confession than an ask, i guess i just want to get some stuff off my chest. feel free to ignore this though because i dont think what i'm about to say here is something that hasn't been said before, now that i've scrolled your blog for like an hour or so.

i've never written really consistently, same goes for my other stuff like art or vid editing. i feel like having a solid plot isn't really my strong suit so i usually just stick to oneshots where there are little actions but a lot of feeling lol, and even with that i have drafts and bullet points from 5 years ago that i haven't touched. there's a lot of struggle with finishing things as well, wips of all kind just keep accumulating and i just feel so guilty over that, especially when i get the idea for something new. i suppose the more i internalize that the more i get intimidated by the mere thought of starting anything at all.

so recently i got a new shiny idea of a multichapter fic, its scope is larger than anything i have ever written or attempted to, and it has plot. i have basically spent weeks trying to piece together a string of plot, setting up characterization and all that jazz. i got pretty ambitious with how the story unfold, so there is considerably more prepping than ever.

i'm now writing the pilot chapter, and honestly it is getting frustrating. i know you have mentioned speedrunning to jump straight into "the good bits" before, but there's just this strange obligation to the opening that i can't quite shake off. i also set up this mental quota for words count, and seeing myself spending days and still not reaching that number is very disheartening.

realistically, i can see many recommending slowly building up my writing, like just biting what i can chew and enlarge the bite as i go. but the idea of shelving this one feels bad, and i wanna ride the high before i start losing interest and eventually look back on this project with some sort of bitter regret like many others. i know the saying about projects not disappearing and i can always pick up from where i left it, but my mind doesn't seem to be happy with that, and this is worsened be the reminder of my other several-year-old abandoned fic.

sorry for the whole rambling. i am aware that this is a mindset problem and i have issues with instant gratification. it just i was so excited during the planning phase and now the actual writing is so stagnant that i feel like im losing hope for a breakthrough. and i couldn't even ramble to anyone about the plans because most of my friends aren't into what i'm writing for/the particular character i'm centering this fic around i'm scared that i'm gonna bother them; i am not actually active in the fandom and joining a server makes me insanely anxious. the whole thing just feels more and more like digging a hole for myself and lie there.

again i am so sorry for the rambling this got out of hand! i hope you have a good day!

Oof. Deep breath, anon! It's okay 💗

You've got several things in this ask that I want to have a quick chat with you about, but feel free to jump to the end if what I'm saying isn't hitting for you.

I want to start by addressing your little personal history that you gave up at the top. This is something that I hear from a lot of people about various hobbies, not just writing. We feel guilty when we don't finish a project. We feel bad when we stop doing something when it stops being fun.

That's normal. That's a perfectly fine choice to make with how you spend your free time. Just because school and work both require you to finish projects doesn't mean that your hobbies require that too. Just because your parents said you couldn't give up on [insert hobby here] because it cost so much for your lessons or equipment etc. doesn't mean that you have to hold yourself to that same standard when you're the one paying your own bills. Besides, writing is free.

Be a little kinder to yourself and a little more forgiving when you DNF a fic. You're allowed to quit writing as much as you're allowed to quit reading. If it sucks, hit da bricks.

Related to that idea is the way you talk about "struggling to finish fics." Of course you struggle with doing something that you're bored or frustrated with. If the story itself isn't more interesting than the struggle why would you continue with it? Keeping yourself motivated isn't just about energy. It's also about passion. When it comes to a hobby, the only person pushing you to finish a thing is you. And when you're tired after working all day or after finishing a full day of school, you don't want to start writing a fic that feels like homework. You want to work on a fic that feels like play.

It sounds like you got that play feeling from creating the plan for your story. Whatever you were doing at that stage was keeping your passion alive. So what's changed since you shifted from planning to writing?

If you've created a strict outline that you're now trying to follow then it might feel like you're doing homework or just filling in boxes in the fic-writing factory. Try to find places where you can still make creative decisions as you go, where you haven't got things all planned out in advance. Put a little "choose your own adventure" back into your storytelling and that passion might come back.

Try investigating that "obligation to the opening" as well. What's the cause of that? Was the first scene the one that prompted the rest of the story? Are you trying to do the tone setting and worldbuilding there? What expectation have you put in place for yourself, and is there a way to shift that expectation to later in the fic? What's the most basic version of that opening that you can write to get it down on the page? You can go back later to add more to it if you still think it needs it.

One thing to remember when you're writing a large, complex story is that the reader doesn't need to know anywhere near as much as you do. You can figure out 10 books worth of backstory and worldbuilding and relationship history that informs what you put on the page, but you don't actually have to write it all down if the reader doesn't need to know all of the ins and outs. And if you want, you can always create a companion fic on the side where you do go into deep dives or missing moments etc. when those things ignite a spark inside you.

When it comes to word count, though? Throw. That. Idea. In. The. Garbage. The number of words you use has nothing to do with the quality of the story that you're telling. It's a number that you've clearly put some kind of meaning into, but saying that a 100K fanfic is better than a 20K fanfic is kind of like saying that a 6ft tall person is better than a 5ft tall person based solely on their respective heights. It makes no sense!

I'll get off that particular soap box now, anon, but I do hope that you'll be kinder to yourself. You're beating yourself up in a dozen different ways and none of them are a good reason to be so mean to the most important person in your life: yourself. ❤️

#asks and answers #long post

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letterlifter · 3 days ago

Text

A Long Diary Entry About Me and Recent Events

I wasn't planning on posting, but now that things have settled a bit, maybe i've changed my mind .... i dont know ... i am a very quiet person online. but it turns out i have a lot to say right now. So maybe it's good to put out a little blog every once in a while. maybe this will prove to be unwise ...

Intro

this will be fairly personal and not professional and not well written, so please do not over analyze it or think too hard. i only have good intentions, i promise. im also not a very organized thinker so this might be a mess. being perceived anywhere makes me profoundly nervous, so if you misbehave, i will continue to cease existing publicly online, and i shan't perform for you again... *disappears in a mist*

ahem...herm...

*comes back on stage, taps mic... clears throat... straightens papers...wipes away my blackened, exploded hair...*

this will be a little look into my world, and very honest... maybe a lot of what i have posted previously during my time at clash was overly sanitized cause i felt like i couldnt say anything publicly without repercussions.

hi, i hope you are all doing well... im mail but i geuss you knew that already. i haven't been on the clash team since functionally early last year due to various medical problems. i prefer to keep all of these things to myself, but, i feel that it's relevant to mention.

i have disappeared everywhere because of all of the "stuff" going on with me. this may be the first time some of my friends have seen signs of life from me in months, and i am so sorry about that. i care about you and think about you often. social media is still difficult for me to use right now, but i am trying to get better with it, and this is a step in that direction, maybe…?

there's other factors to me leaving clash of course (some of which have been mentioned by former staff recently). It’s freeing to speak so openly about corporate clash, especially its internal workings, because I felt like i couldn't say much here while actively being on the clash crew. it's why "nothing i say is canon" is plastered weirdly everywhere. it was probably, mostly, just my own nerves getting in the way though

ok well i'm taking it back everything i say is THE COMPLETE TRUTH!!!!!!! (i am joking) what i will say is true is that whatever you headcanon about any character i designed gets my HONEST AND TRUE stamp of mailman's approval. i am reclaiming them (Jokingly) (Lovingly) so that you can have them instead (Telling the truth) i also have not played toontown in like two years. If someone says you're a liar you can screenshot this and said "Mailman said so" and I won't care It's not like i'll be there. also i genuinely believe some of you are more qualified than me or anyone to speak on these beloved and often lgbt characters. Please consider yourself to be the only correct source of clash information from now on. i have no real authority here, but neither do they ... 'cause like what're they gonna do ....

Anyways Whew! Glad that's over! No offense i am just joking around...i went through a lot but overall, Clash changed my life for the better. in some ways i am a bit sad that this chapter of my life has ended. but i will always love toontown and gay furries forever and ever. i am so, so happy that people like what I have contributed so much to.

oh and of course, i agree with the statements from former staff. like 90% of them are my friends after all so maybe i am a little biased here... i prefer to keep personal matters to myself but i experienced a lot of trauma there. im sure it was accidental on the part of others and i would never blame just one person for it. theres something that is just foundationally not working with their structure and it is hurting people, and I hope they're able to mend whatever that is. i am sure you leaderships are reading this, so, hello, i hope you are doing okay. im sorry about how stressful this all must be and i hope things improve. its true that most of us 1.3 developers left, but for those of you who knew me on the team, hiii i hope you are well

but ummm hmm how do i say this.

*Gets a puppet out to speak for me so i can remain blameless for whatever information i say because it may or may not be true*

and i am just a little puppet after all, using comedy to deflect any accusations of personal wrongdoing.... But this is my theory.

Because it is not a professional project, corporate clash will always be ran by volunteers who have never worked on a project on this scale. I think this results in accidental mismanagement. It’s really difficult to run a volunteer video game like this when it isn't structured like a close-knit friend group. In fact, “volunteer video games” do not really exist in any other context, so there’s nothing to reference. The more people there are, the more they may get neglected. so, i am sympathetic about how difficult it is to keep this game continuing and to be a lead for it. Especially on volunteer time.

Who said that. Throw that freak in the trash.

BOOM...

...

*Mailman returns and is picking off pieces of garbage*

well anyways. you have to imagine this has been a really strange, difficult, weird, upsetting, past couple of weeks for me. Especially me, who really doesn't like being perceived at all, being perceived... the horrors... i am still trying to return to normal, but it feels like something has changed in a cosmic sort of way, and i cant stop feeling it.

Clarification

ive been thinking about whether or not to include this next section, but i have decided to do so as briefly as possible, because i feel like it is important for me to clarify it. this piece of context feels important to me. please be responsible with it, and please don't use it to hurt others.

as you are all probably aware, stuck the duck did a stream recently covering the statements made by former staff. of course i agree with former staff, as I am former staff myself and i share some of their experiences, and many of them are friends of mine. i think stuck is really cool and he is a very kind person.

at the end of his stream, a statement was made regarding a situation where i was allegedly receiving poor treatment from cranky during a severe bout of illness.

i was not involved in making that statement, it was based on someone else's perspective on how i was treated at the time because i do not remember the situation for myself. i was so sick that i do not really remember what happened in detail.

all i remember is really wanting to complete the illustration because it was important to me, i wanted the community to have it with its corresponding update. i feel like cranky's statement regarding it is probably more accurate to my memory but i didnt read it in detail because these past few weeks have been a little nerve-wracking. i have been told by others that the situation appeared worse than what I remember, but again I cannot verify any of this.

but with how hard i worked on that illustration through illness, i do think it was disappointing and a little hurtful to forget about it until one of my friends reminded them it existed. but i understand things slip through and i have also made mistakes. i truly don't hold grudges because i lack the emotion of anger. I just get really scared.... . i am not completely happy with how the picture came out anyways, but thats probably because i was so sick when making it ….

i cant say whether or not it's true, or if cranky's participation was somewhat exaggerated. i think as community lead (?) he was in control of its distribution though. the only part i can verify is that they didnt use it for a long time despite my working very hard on it. but things happen in development all the time, and i am not really interested or comfortable in being centered in this situation.. i actually do not really want to receive any attention at all but i would feel bad ignoring this statement.

but please also understand this. cranky may have made mistakes in leadership, and he may have hurt people, including my friends, but based on what i know, which of course is not everything, i really don't believe he's an evil person, and i would ask that you please do not publicly attack people you do not know. i believe that everyone working on clash has its best interests in mind, even if i don't agree with all of their approaches. they are there, working for free, because they care about it.

there is a difference between attacking someone and sharing information with others. this is just my perspective, but as ex-staff, we are allowed to speak on this because we knew them, and these are our experiences, i hope you understand where i'm coming from here. a game of telephone starts happening and dishonest things are said by mistake. it may be best to just link to an individual's statements. Please treat all clash staff fairly.

with all of this unfortunate stuff going on, i saw someone i do not know claim that some clash staff would make fun of me behind my back, which is sad if true. but i dont know if its true or not so i wouldn’t hold it against them. at this point i have grieved about clash over and over again so there’s not much grief left to have. I only mention it because i hope its not true, and i have no way of knowing, because for the most part, i like everyone at clash, and i just want whoever allegedly said those things about me to know that.

i am not perfect either though. i try to do right by everyone nowadays because it's all i can do. so of course i would forgive them immediately.

thats all i have to say on the clash situation. thank you for listening to us. many of us thought these stories would never be heard. so i appreciate you listening if nothing else.

Me and What I am doing Now

i always felt like i would have a lot to talk about once leaving clash, but i actually dont. i dont have anything to say that i, or others, havent already said. once again i agree with the majority of ex-staff / my friends, but im talking about even casual stuff about development or whatever. i dont think its all that interesting to people that weren't there, and i'm not interested enough in clash anymore to make posts about it publicly.

i would post my personal work to other accounts, that could be cool, but i don't have much to say, and Im not able to make as much stuff as I used to. … i also do not get anything out of seeing a big number (Likes Or Reposts) on my drawings. so id be posting maybe once every four months ... or once a year … i have really bad time blindness which doesn't go well with social media. maybe i'll get back into it anyways some day. it's theoretically possible that a few people would like to see my drawings, but yet i post nothing ever, and thats a little sad.

if i do make a brand new account, i will probably be stealing this url. Sorry for any potential confusion in the future.

most of the time i am just doing my own thing working on my original, personal projects. i really love my characters and i do a lot of stuff with them. i make comics, stories, drawings, 3d models. You know how it is ... im working on a 3d model right now that i will probably go work on after i post this. i plan on integrating the 3d model into a little website that tells you all about the character and i think that will be really fun. I love making interactive stuff with my characters. youll be able to rotate it all around and stuff. i definitely wont be able to do that for all of them though ... i'm probably not capable of making as much stuff as i used to in general, but i am at peace with that.

i also plan on making this next 3d model into a VRchat avatar (like i usually do) but this time hopefully itll be my "main" model so i can feel less embarrassed logging in to hang out with friends. maybe You and Me can play vrchat some day. i am really shy online though so we’ll see. anyways its going to be a really cute dragon thing and i'm going to make it wear my clothes. i like to collect vintage clothing from thrift stores and i have an outfit in mind. He's actually just one of my regular characters that i turned into a cute dragon, but i'm forcing him to represent me for now.

umm what else has been going on with me ... i played a lot of "fantasy life i" recently. and deltarune. i watched a lot of deltarune theory videos on youtube. i watched a whole documentary the other day and i have memory problems so i only realized at the end that i had already seen it before. I recently customized my web browser and im using “zen” now its kind of cool. Just now, I wrote a lot about these two metallica concerts i went to a few months ago (after much preparation) but I decided to delete all the stories from it in favor of just mentioning that i went.

anyways. it probably goes without saying, but i am not a social media person, and i cannot make as much stuff anymore, so all the stuff i make now is either for myself or is for one of the various projects im working on.

i will now talk about one of the various projects im working on. this one isn't a personal project though because im making it with my friends, many of whom made up some very large slices in that 1.3 pie chart:

FriendOS

So. Of course i am still a game developer. i really love working on games, and i dont think that will ever leave me. 3d modelling and animation, making assets, and character design are among the many things i do and want to continue doing. i suppose you could just consider me the "lead 3d artist" for this project.

my main project is now "FriendOS", a really advanced furry character creator with 3d platforming and bullethell battles.

I mean, a 3d platformer with bullethell battles and a really advanced furry character creator.

our game has a lot of cool stuff in it. For instance, we put a lot of work into the really advanced furry character creator, ensuring that you can mix 'n' match whatever pieces you'd like. And this time it's fun

I will give you a rundown as quickly as possible before you lose interest.

in friendOS, you play as a "Friend". Friends are a species of "digital avatar" that navigate a world made to represent an operating system.

Friends are wild, technically indestructible, and poorly mannered creatures. We are still researching their natural behaviors, but we do know that a friend has never been reported dead for long. They cause problems, yet they are the problem solvers, tasked with exploring the deepest parts of a computer to cleanse it of its rotten, virus-infected core.

Within FriendOS, the computer is accessed via "Bliss", an interactive 3d interface known for its heavenly lands full of rainbows, flowers, and files. It is a safe pasture for which the friends shall graze. The residents of this utopian town are very curious themselves. I heard one of them claims to have been a racecar driver, but I think he's lying.

Astron is our beloved god dog. He takes out the trash and tells the truth

Who is this and why is he doing that

This world is very real to the residents of "Bliss". There's a lot of unique struggles that come with knowing you are living inside of a computer and being okay with that.

So, you are running around inside of an old computer. It's a land full of mysteries, collectables, gay people, very customizable little friends, and minigames. Minigames including fishing.

Yes Everyone in this game is gay and no one is going to get mad at me for saying that. In what way they are gay is for you to discover or decide for yourself.

I would go into more detail, but we still have a lot to work on, so it will probably change a lot. However I encourage you all to roleplay in a lobby some day. It's really fun

if you're actually reading this entire thing and send me a suggestion with some type of item you think friends would look beautiful wearing, i can't say it won't influence me. which, thanks for reading all of this by the way, it's very nice of you. the way i have designed this 3d artstyle is so that assets can be created as efficiently as possible, considering our team is very, very small. its all round and flat so they can be made quickly.

it's so nice to work on a team where we really get each other. now that i think about it, we've been making games together for like four years. we are all very confident developers which makes us very efficient at making things. everything we do is highly collaborative and we're always listening to each other.

i have been working on friendOS for like 8-10 months and we haven't fought over anything this entire time. its so beautiful. im sure that we will continue to only ever agree with each other, our team will remain motivated, and nothing bad will ever happen.

If you are interested in following the development of friendOS, I encourage you to join the official friendOS discord server. We have a long ways to go, but it’s read only, so you can comfortably ignore it at the bottom of your server list for as long as you want!

Closing

there is a good chance i will not be very involved in toontown after all of this. Clash was a little traumatizing for me and my friends. at various points in the timeline, things happened that i cannot talk about. i was treated poorly, my friends were treated poorly, and i'm sure no one did it on purpose, but it still happened. things happened that made me cry on behalf of others, which i haven't told many people.

but you know... there isn't much more that i want to make for toontown anyways. i feel like 1.3 was already my "dream update." i'm uninterested in working on any toontown private server in the future because i already know exactly what i would be doing, and i have done enough of it. I appreciate the freedom i have in creating whatever i'd like. for both myself and friendOS, i can make whatever designs and items and characters i want, and that's really cool.

clash has taught me so much, and it has even made me grow better as a person, but i feel like i need to move on as an artist. i'm thankful for what i have learned there and I apply it every day.

i hope that doesn't make anyone sad, because it doesn't really make me sad. I think it’s an exciting thing. i will probably always be around in some way, and clash will continue on in whatever way it chooses for itself.

I have been into toontown since around 2007. as of 2025, i think thats like 18 years of my life. Jeez ... so i have watched this game go through "cycles" a few times now. the first time was when TTO closed. then TTR opened in like 2014. then everyone felt like it was dead again, and clash opened in like 2017, then they released 1.1, and 1.2, and somewhere in there, TTR released field offices. and now we're working on friendOS, which is not toontown, but saying we are taking zero influences from our previous work would be an obvious lie. ....honestly in some ways, it is too similar for comfort....

and now, with all this stuff going on, and all these things being said, people seem to be low in spirits again. so i will give you some words of encouragement as a guy who has played this game for far too long:

you have a lot to look forward to. i mean, you certainly have more to look forward to regarding this game than i did in 2015. clash has gotten through many "difficult" circumstances and it will probably have more. there were points during 1.3 where i didn't know if it would even come out. but they are still here working on stuff. and of course, there are other private servers too. i am sure EVH will put out something really cool. some of my friends worked on "grindworks" but i have not played it for myself. TTR is still working on their next thing i'm sure. the game will probably always exist in some way. toontown has a much bigger fanbase than many of the things i'm into, which is really kind of crazy!

yes, as that one blogpost article pointed out, many of us 1.3 devs are gone. clash still has a team full of new, passionate people working on future content and im sure they will continue to create cool stuff. i hope you will support whatever they put out just as passionately.

in all truth, i care about you all much more than clash. mostly the gay players, and the furries, and all the artists, and the few of you who draw sexy duck shuffler on twitter. but of course, i am biased towards my own kind. i too am just some gay artist on the internet. you are the people important here, who are keeping the game alive. so remember that your passion is what fuels your game (all of toontown) to continue. i have never, not for a moment, taken any of you for granted. i am just some guy so anyone interacting with stuff i work on is amazing to me. i hope im able to buy a keychain from you some day. i don't even know if its possible for me to see all the fanart of the characters i designed but i still love and appreciate it all. ive seen quite a bit though. including some i saw on accident that i dont think you wanted me to see. Sorry

and the creative team. i am by no means perfect and i make my share of mistakes as we all do, but i always did as much as i could. you guys are the best and your contributions matter. every asset you create will forever be a gift to clash from you.

There are many people i could list out individually to thank, but i wouldn’t want to miss anyone. Because of my spontaneous health problems, I never got to give a formal goodbye to the clash crew so i couldn’t say thanks to anyone myself. I suppose none of them really know how i feel about any of this in general…. So if you worked with me on clash, i think very highly of you to this day.

for now i will leave you with this.

i love you very much.

thank you for playing our game.

thank you so much for loving the characters i put so much of myself into. it has not gone unnoticed from me.

please continue to be kind to the volunteers who work on clash.

please thank the moderators who moderate corporate clash. They see *everything*.

please be kind to yourself, be respectful to each other, and forgive yourself, and just for me, remember the poor Parrots who are going extinct due to the destruction of their habitats and homes (They are my favorite animal) and adopt don't shop. thank you.

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coffeegnomee · 1 day ago

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gnomeeeee,,, minutes video,,,,, his convo w spoke in the finale 🥹🥹🥹 oh i am so Unwell . spoke talking abt parrot (or at least. telling minute abt HIS 2nd season in ls) and minute opening up abt how badly the pmc betrayal and loss at the end of s5 fucked him up...im gonna be thinking abt this forever and ever and ever 💔

-mcytegg :'DD

eeeEEEEEE I"M so excited we got so much of it!!! I have more thoughts about the second season concept in a separate post since the yap got long.

But like Spoke soo specifically saying, “i wanted to make sure that there was someone that was gonna do it” and that it links to the moment he felt "complete" in s2.

Complete!??! like what the heck. I could spend all day just thinking about that phraseology. How he found himself in the second season, saying that's when he too stepped away from his team to figure out what he wanted to be, and that's when he did discover what completed him.

But also, in a way, slightly ominous bc Spoke says he thought following a team would make him feel complete, but no. It that was the withers.

Whereas Minute did follow his team until the end. Except for when his teammate sold out the team for exploits and an orbital. But then again Minute has already experienced being all alone and abandoned by a team...

How Minute for his part talked about how he wanted to make his own journey, how he did arcs and attempted to do arcs, and needed to try his own thing.

The unspoken parts that we've talked about veni about how he's gone from hero to marring that heroism, and how it was metered by not going so far as to join Spoke. But how he does embrace following his heart right now.

Even though like, Minute was following Mapicc's lead for so much of the finale, and even in the beginning of the day joining Clown obby boxing Zam in the chunk ban, but then a little later really regretting that and wanting to let Zam out, but by that time Spoke got Zam the mods. He still does his fair share of following other's goals, and often falls into regrets, but he did really stake a claim in his goal and personal limits for the season and this convo just buttoned it up so beautifully.

Bc in this convo, Spoke is like doing what he did for Zam, what he always does. He makes an interesting situation for others to interact with, he finds out and knows their motivations and gives them what they desire. Often that is support in being who they are.

But now I'm thinking of the Spoke/Zam convo where Spoke said he thought Minute acted out of fear. That he was afraid and didn't have the will to fight against the crater. That Spoke scared him. He said that less than 24 hours before this convo.

And man oh man am I now thinking too much about it.

He said if you've truly found what completes you Minute, then drop everything and follow it.

And how that's such a beautiful line. Spoke isn't really asking Minute if he thinks he found what completes him, he's stating that he thinks Minute found what completes him. And that's not exactly the same thing.

It's inspirational, but it's also twinged with a little bit of a double edge when you think about it - is this what makes you feel complete or is this another layer you haven't explored yet? Spoke thought he was complete with the Poggies, and ran with it, but then upon betrayal realized that wasn't really completing him.

And I think that's the beautiful thing about Spoke. He has these thoughts about the other members that he says/processes behind their backs, beliefs and analysis he gathers, but when it comes to talking to them head on, everything is said in an inspirational tone. Genuinely uplifting them. And not, as that maybe implies, being two faced by talking behind their back, but from that mindset of, what the heck is motivating my friends and how do I help them be most fully themselves.

I'm thinking about how he said he "truly actually fully" thought that Minute would be the perfect person to ask to do the orbital. Solidifying what I was saying in that post after that convo that Spoke hand selected it for Minute as a gift. He really thought Minute would say yes.

That he thought that that was what motivated and inspired Minute then: making a big impact, changing lifesteal forever. But when Minute proved him wrong, Spoke looked for other reasonings, and landed upon Minute finding what completes himself. Maybe it was out of fear, maybe not. But what was important is Minute staked a claim in who he was.

And in that he realized Minute made the Empire, not to be, as Spoke said when Zam asked him their goals that, "death Death Death Death DEATH!" but because he was angry, in pain from the finale of s5.

And he only said that AFTER Minute brought up this is only his second season, and only then did Spoke start talking about his memories of his second season, which then prompted Minute to fully open up and admit it really was bc s5 hurt so badly.

Spoke was like live processing the depth of what Minute had said, it's only his second season. And Spoke was sent into a flashback of what his second season was like and how that made him realize who he is on lifesteal.

SPOKE: "and i was left with nobody after that"

Oh how devastating a line.

But also how devastating a memory for Minute. Yes, he had pb&j. But pb&j were the new team. PMC was his team. And he was left with nobody after they betrayed for $500.

SPOKE: "you've experienced just as much as any lifesteal player has"

And he has.

Minute's really been through a lot. And in parallel to what Spoke reminisced too, Minute in a way followed pb&j but then got blindsided by Clown saying that he could never be for peace. Like how Spoke did all the work for gear for players that never logged on, only to be blindsided by Parrot selling out the base in order to turn a profit before they disbanded the team bc Clown was hunting them down endlessly. (lmao Clownpierce parallels).

And it took him this season to figure out who he is. And that is not a world ender, at least not in the classic definition. He's much more team oriented, and like with pb&j, he will stick by the team that supports his ideals. He never begged to be back on PMC. "we were supposed to be brothers" but it was over. And here too, when Spoke said exploits and bombing spawn, Minute said no, that's not what I will do. And although he wanted to create a team with Zam to save spawn, in the end Mapicc was still the team, the chungpire was still his team, and their goals aligned. So he stuck with them until the end.

And, interestingly, (this is so out of order. whatever) Spoke opened the conversation talking about how he came back on to make sure someone ended the season, but he never said he thought Minute was doing that. And in a lot of ways Spoke just took that on for himself, right?, with the hacks. It doesn't look like he thought anyone did a good enough job on their own, but he's more than happy to take up what's lacking. There was a war, but Spoke stepped in and spiced it up.

And Spoke wanted to know how long ago Minute figured out there was no orbital. Was that also fishing for if Minute was going to be a world ender? Before even talking about s2 or the Empire. He was surprised Minute didn't blow up the base for a tactical advantage, and asked about the timeline. How long ago did Minute figure it out, bc if it's been days, then what have you done these past days knowing there was no threat. But if you didn't suspect at all, what does that say about your perceptiveness of the goings on of lifesteal. But if you did know and this is what you've been doing... then that says something else all together.

And from that the conversation lead to a lifestealer's second season.

SPOKE:" drop everything and follow it bro [...] im not going to stand in your way" and what did Minute do directly after? Kill and allow everyone else to kill Spoke, until he himself banned Spoke off the server.

(just like, ok I'm way to Zam coded at times, but just comparing that to Zam's s3 hill conversation. Where he BEGGED Spoke to not ban himself... They are not the same. <3 tehe! Minute caved to his bloody desires there. But got full permission to embrace it) Though on that "permission" concept. Just keep a pin in that one. Minute needs permission to do things. It's been an interesting thing to observe from the shadows and I'm fascinated for how it'll continue to play into his play style.

That's so much yappage, and I know it stopped making sense halfway through but just so many tiny thoughts. So many discoveries and I think both sides accepting each other more. They parted from the conversation understanding each other a lot more. From both sides.

#gnome.rambles #starlights #lifesteal

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sonoranbumblebee · 2 days ago

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During Carmy's main "shouting wedding vows" monologue, I think he semi-consciously switches topics in a kind of a subtle way that's interesting.

So Carm lists Syd's great attributes, ending with "...and you're doing all of this great stuff for every right fucking reason."

And then, I think he switches to talking about Adam's restaurant. He doesn't pause or verbally mark it, he just launches into it. The segue is so fast that it wasn't until the third time I watched that I started to suspect he had switched gears and wasn't just ranting about the Bears.

"And I get it. This is a great opportunity. And it's for a lot of fucking money. And you can hire who ever the fuck you want?"

The this is the trick word here. If he'd said "that is a great opportunity" it would have been clear he meant Shapiro's, by using this it sort of hedges whether we're talking about Adam or Carmy. I was confused but accepting about the "lot of fucking money" and "hiring part" but on my first watches I just thought he was projecting into a Bear future where suddenly they're very profitable. But he's talking about what he thinks or knows is the Shapiro offer, which is a new opportunity to be sure and who knows might even be great. He also gestures that way which also happens to be where your hand would point if you were talking about this restaurant.

And then he switches back to talking about the Bear, and he gets much more aggressive, playing offense whereas he's been on defense since he first went out there:

"But this place, right now, this is starting to gel. It is starting to feel alive, right? And you will have seven people in front of a fucking train for you right now. And I'm gonna do everything I can to set you up for success but—any chance of any kind of good in this building started when you walked in and any possibility of it surviving? It's with you."

All of which is to say, that I think there's more of the "just please don't go to that other guy" in this whole fiasco than I thought at first glance.

It starts to read as more of a sales pitch than as an explanation/rationalization of why he needs to leave for his own reasons but she will be fine and here's why. He's trying to sell her on her own restaurant, which is of course a stand-in for his/their family.

Syd told TJ that if she went to pizza house they would never let her come back to video game house. But if I'm reading this correctly, Carmy is terrified that if she goes to pizza house she'll never come back to video game house, so he starts testifying about the relative merits of the Bear.

But maybe/definitely what he's also doing is trying to tell her why she should love their family and stay with them/him as opposed to leaving them/him.

"...starting to gel...starting to feel alive, right?" - "I know parts of this suck but other times feel pretty magical and good and almost perfect, right? We could be happy."

"people who will throw themselves in front of a fucking train for you right now." - We fucking love you for true, emphasis on relationships she can leverage right now as opposed to ones she *might* develop in 14 months when Adam's restaurant opens.

"And I'm gonna do everything I can to set you up for success" - she kind of takes this as a kiss-off like "I will print up some informative documents before I go" but maybe it's more like "I know you're wildly sick of my bullshit but I will do anything for you before you cut me loose, I am always at your service if you need help"

"...but—any chance of any kind of good in this building started when you walked in and any possibility of it surviving? It's with you."

any way you cut it, this is the big testimony. He's acclaiming her as a chef, but he's also reiterating what he said long ago: "I wouldn't even want to do it without you." This restaurant dies if Syd quits. If she leaves him for Adam he's done, because the Bear without her is a dead body with a missing heart.

In short, I think he was much more hurt than he let on, which I suppose we could have guessed. In any case, he's so desperate to prevent her leaving him for a better, less terrible/problematic chef that he basically fires himself without even talking to her. It's insane! He's trying to save his family but he keeps saying "restaurant" which she very reasonably finds uncompelling.

#the bear #sydcarmy #sydney x carmy #sydney adamu

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jjkarmy091 · 10 hours ago

Text

Know too much- Jungkook

Genre: Romance; angst; slow burn; friends2lovers; Warnings: strong language; mentions of death; mention of r*pe; eventual smut Wordcount: 15k Ps- English is not my first language so I'm sorry for any mistakes! I always try my best! Not proofread

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This gonna be divided in two part because it has gotten too long

You always loved the idea of love: the romance, the effort, the cumplicity: everything related to it- but one thing it never occured you was the jealousy you'd feel.

You finished high school in 2015 and decided to take a sabbatical year where you'd do whatever you wanted: you had some part time jobs, had gone to parties your closest friends, but you got tired and wanted more so when you found out the application period for college exams was going to open you didn't hesitate. Truth is you were always a very homely person, barely leaving your house, not because your parents wouldn't let you, they kept insisting for you to go have some funa and clear your head, but you didn't like that type of enviroment. Instead, you'd rather stay home reading or watching movies than going out until it started affecting your mental health, isolating you from everything and everyone. That was the main reason why your parents told you to take a full year for you to enjoy yourself. You only had a few close friends, but the ones you had were worth 10 of them. Not to gush, but you were lucky with the people around you. When high school ended, your best friend Rosé would go out and insisted on taking you with her. That's how your story with Jungkook began.

You and him met in mid-February 2016. Rosé was talking to a guy named Tae, you'd see the pictures she usually posted on Instagram of the two of them and another guy with a rather peculiar style. In one of those pictures you saw he was all in black, with some necklaces bigger than him (almost) and very thin, however, his eyes were what caught your attention the most. Despite all the black he wore, his bambi brown eyes gave him a very sweet and innocent appearence. Rosé always insisted on you to go out with her and her new group of friends. For some reason she wanted to introduce you to them, even though you always said you had no interest in it until you were so tired of hearing her talk about the same thing over and over again, you agreed to go with her and those "so new" friends.

You and Rosé went to a well known pub in the city, being the first ones to get there, asking for two cokes with lemon and ice. Maybe fifteen minutes later you notice two guys coming in and looking around, they were both tall, one with curly light brown hair while the other had very dark hair and bambi eyes. That's when you realized it was him, the guy you had identified before, however, this time without the all-black outfit. Instead he had a plain white shirt and ripped jeans and a pair of earrings. You had to admit he was extremely handsome, thin but muscular, everyone could tell he was into exercising or had started going to the gym. The first to arrive at the table and introduce himself was Tae, a super communicative and outgoing guy, you could see how comfortable he was with people, just as Rosé. Behind him came his friend, who introduced himself as Jungkook, however, unlike Tae, he was someone more quiet and reserved, like you. Tae sat down next to Rosé after greeting you, forcing Jungkook to sit next to you.

As time passed it was palpable the chemistry between Tae and Rosé as they talked and leaned over each other, gently and discreetly caressing each other's leg, hand or shoulder. After a while they said they would go for a smoke, leaving you and Jungkook alone. It couldn't have been more awkward between you two at first. He was shy and so were you, there was simply no conversation between you other than an exchange of glances here and there. You were about to get up to meet the others outside when he spoke.

"If I were you I wouldn't go."

"Why not?"

"They're probably sucking each others tongue at this very moment." you made a disgusted face

"Whewwww gross. You think?"

"Ohh believe me I'm sure of it" He laughed and damn you for noticing how pretty his smile was. You didn't know if he had braces or veneers before but fuck - what a perfect and white smile he had- You swear if you had that kind of smile you'd never stop using it.

"I'm Y/n by the way. I didn't get the chance to properly introduce myself before"

"Nice to meet you Y/n"

You had a feeling he was gonna give you trouble

and he did

You blamed that bunny smile of his.

After that night, you and Jungkook became super friends. In fact, he ended up taking you home since Tae and Rosé left together. Along the way, you ended up talking even more and getting to know each other better: you knew he was 23 years old, had studied art and that he now worked in a graphics store while taking a tattoo artist course. You told him you were 19 and turned 20 in the summer. You also shared your intentions on going to college that same year to study education since you loved children and your biggest dream was to be a kindergarten teacher. You also ended up discovering you had a lot of things in common, you had to admit it was worth going out with your best friend that specific day because the boys were super fun and nice people to hang with and you really enjoyed interacting with them. Rosé and Tae started dating shortly after that day, so it was inevitable that you wouldn't see Jungkook more often, making him a big part of your life.

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June 2016

The week of your university exams arrived and you were very nervous, at this point you were afraid you would get there and forget even your name. On the days you had exams, Jungkook always remembered to send you a message of support and that relieved a lot of the pressure you felt. After the fourth and final exam, you finally breathed a sigh of relief, feeling like you could enjoy summer as you should.

As you were leaving school, you heard someone call your name. You looked back and saw Jungkook walking towards you, however, you realized he wasn't alone. Beside him was Maddie, a girl who had been in your class, but failed due to excessive absences and had to repeat the year again. You were happy to hear she managed to finish it, you heard some rumors about her being absent at the time because of an abortion she had. It was never confirmed or at least you never heard anything about it again. Honestly you never thought you'd see her doing the admission exams, since she didn't really like to study either. You were happy yet quite surprised to see him with her.

When you saw the two of them you tried to look away, picking up your phone as if you were replying to a text, but from the corner of your eye you saw Maddie giving a kiss on the corner of Jungkook's lips while he smiled, having his arm around her waist, with his hand resting on her ass. You don't know why, but that made your stomach twist. Then you saw her whisper something in his ear, to which he nodded and they each went their separate ways, her into school and him closer to where you were.

"Hello smarty pants. How was the last exam? Ready to enjoy summer the right way?"

"Stop it" you laughed. " It was good I guess. I don't think I have to worry about it, the worst part was the math exam. What are you doing here anyway? Stalking much?" Jungkook put an arm around your shoulders

"Not even! Honestly I didn't know you studied here. I recognized your figure when I came to drop Maddie off. I'm sure you've crossed paths before, right? She's a year older than you and doing finals aswell"

"Ohh yeah I know her, she was in my class and she's just a couple months older than me but who's counting. Didn't know you had a girlfriend" You pulled away from him so that the arm previously around your shoulders fell away. "I don't want any problems with her, I heard she has a temper" He brought you close to him again.

"What girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend, I'm single and ready to mingle. I'm sure you'd know if I had one. You really think I'd be hanging out with all of you instead of my girl? I'm not stupid Y/n- I love you guys but I'd never choose hanging with my friends over my girl every night" You looked at him confused. "Then what are you?"

"We are just friends."

"That didn't look like friends to me"

"We met on a party I went with some friends, we hit off and have been fooling around since then."

"Ohhhh that type of friends, got it" you were silent for a moment until you spoke again. "never pegged you as that kind of guy" Jungkook made an offended face "Wow. Why are you saying that like it's the worst thing in the world?"

"Sorry I didn't mean it like that. What I meant was that since I met you I always had the idea that you were more of a serious type? I dn't know how to put it in words, justI didn't think you'd be the type to have friends with benefits. I don't know how to explain it- why are we even talking about this? Wheeew. "

"I'm shy at first, not blind Y/n. I'm human and like everyone else I have needs. Just because I don't want any kind of relationship right now doesn't mean I'm trash with them. I'm focused on enjoying my life but I don't have to be naive when it comes to sex and girls. I know what they want and they know what I want, it's easy" He said it jokingly, but you felt attacked. "and we are talking about it because you brought it up. Are you gonna tell me you've never done the same?" The only thing you said to him was "shut up" along with a punch in the arm, which definitely hurt youmore than it did to him.

How much has this guy grown physically in a short space of time?

The week had finally come to an end and Friday night arrived and you, Rosé, Tae and Jungkook were in the usual spot, having the usual conversations. They were sharing what they were going to do over the weekend, while you, on the other hand, were tired and sad. You had a fight with your mother so you were quieter tonight. It was rare for it to happen but when it did, it sucked. She is the type who never thinks before saying things and when she realizes it the damage is already done. Remember when people say words are more painful than a slap? that's you. You always considered your mother as your best friend, you knew you could count on her for everything and honestly if it wasn't for her supporting you after your first boyfriend treated you like shit just because you didn't feel comfortable initiating something sexual with him when you were 16, you don't know if you would have made it this far.

It was regular for you and Josh to go to your house or his after school, to study together and have some fun as a typical young couple who are at the beginning of their sexual discovery, however, you still didn't feel ready to go all the way. Of course you had already done other types of foreplay, but not the act itself. You had been dating for 6 months and at first he was super respectful but then he was increasingly pressuring you to do it, always implying if you didn't want to it was because you didn't really like him. You had already learned how to deal with it as he always ended up respecting your wishes until that one day.

You had just arrived home and your parents were still at work as usual. You had prepared some snacks and were in the living room watching tv until he started getting closer to you and give you little kisses on the neck and that was alright because there was nothing new, however, he started to be rougher, more aggressive and started to hurt you in the process. When you realized everything, you started to panick and begging him to stop, but he wouldn't. You did everything you could to get out of his grip, yet he was stronger and heavier than you so all your attempts were in vain. You just remember crying and trying to scream, asking him to stop and him kissing you everywhere and touching you in places you didn't want.

You know it was a miracle when you hear a key being inserted into the door and see your mother come in. Both your parents usually didn't get home until 8 or 9 at night, if not later. Your mother was a nurse and your father was a businessman so their schedules were difficult to know sometimes. When your mom saw you in that state she immediately went to help you and that's the last you can remember. Your therapist had said sometimes our brain blocks our traumatic memories as a protective mechanism and that's what happened to you. Since that moment you haven't been able to get involved with anyone on a more intimate level. You had a lot of support from your parents and if they were protective before, they became even more so after what happened.

Fortunately, and with therapy, you were gradually able to overcome this trauma, being able to live your life like before again, with a lot of help from Rosé too. That's why whenever you fought with your mother, especially over stupid things, you ended up feeling somewhat guilty and ungrateful. While you were listening to your friends talking, your phone started ringing and you looked at the screen and saw "mummy". Standing up you told them you were going to answer a call and went out to talk to her. At the end of the call you were calmer and she even apologized to you. Surprising, I know. When you were getting ready to go back you felt someone's presence behind you and turned around, coming across a worried Jungkook.

"Is everything okay?"

"Ohh yeah everything's fine. My mom called me and I couldn't hear anything inside" Jungkook sat down on a little stair near the entrace mentioning for you to do the same.

"I noticed you're very quiet today and that's not you. What's wrong?"

"I had a huge fight with my mom today. It's rare when we fight but when it happens it's bad and it was over something so ridiculous. Now she called me to apologize and ask if I was alright and said she would always support me no matter what I decided to do and yeah that definitely made me feel better. Thanks for noticing Kook"

"No problem, smartass. We are friends and if you are unwell of course I will be concerned. Next time talk to me, maybe it will relieve you, you don't have to bear everything alone, you know that right?"

"I know you do, but thank you anyway." There was a pause and then you looked at him again and wrinkled your nose "I'm glad Rosé bugged me over and over again to hang out with you guys, it was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life."

"I wish I had met you sooner, you know. In a way I think my life would have taken a 360 degree turn for the better if that had happened before." As he said this, his voice was so serious and soft at the same time it sent shivers down your spine. At that moment there was something between you and him that you couldn't describe, but you knew it was comforting, those words had made you feel shy, so you moved closer to him and laid your head on his shoulder.

"You may not believe it, but I believe things happen when and how they have to happen and if we only met now it is for a reason. Perhaps if we had met before we wouldn't get along as well as we do now. It's all in good time Kookie, even if we think it isn't." Jungkook grabbed your hand and intertwined it with yours, laying his head on top of yours. After that, neither of you spoke again, staying there feeling the gentle wind on your faces. You loved being like this with him, close to him, protected by him, because you knew that for you and your heart that was already a little more than just friendship.

After that day you didn't see Jungkook for some days, something about him being too busy managing his personal and professional life according to Tae's words. He, you and Rosé were having a great time. Together you would go to the pub every night, going to the city's famous nightclub aswell. Not that you were a club girl, you were more for them than for yourself, yet you can't deny you ended up having a good time. You found yourself missing Jungkook a lot more you thought you would, wondering what had him all caugh up that he couldn't even hang with you anymore.

Would it be Maddie or someone new?

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July 2016

Three weeks later and your birthday was finally here and you were super excited. You always loved celebrating birthdays, the coexistence, the surprises, everything about it excited you and this year wouldn't be different. You had gone to your grandparents house for the weekend with your parents. They lived two hours away from you so whenever you went to visit them you made sure to enjoy every second. During the days you were there, you always talked to Rosé, who told you how things were going with Tae and in a way also gave you updates on Jungkook. Apparently he had gone to a tattoo artists' conference abroad and forgot to activate his data so he could talk to everyone, losing his phone midway his trip. You were happy to know the reason for his disappearance was entirely professional.

You got back on Wednesday night a little before dinner time. You had just finished packing all your things when you heard someone knock on your bedroom door. Opening the door, you're met with a super excited Rosé "I missed you so much". She may look tough, but deep down you know she's a softie. You knew her presence there wasn't for nothing. According to her she was on a mission to get you to hang out with the group a bit. Initially you refused, saying you were too tired, but she knows how to persuade people very well and before you knew it, you were all dressed up and ready to walk out the door.

When you arrived at your usual spot you saw the usual table, occupied by the usual people, only this time there was one more person: a girl more or less your height and with dark, long hair. Honestly, her features were identical to yours, the only difference was the style of clothing she wore to show off her beautifully sculpted body. You didn't have that body, you were a little fuller than her, with more hips and your legs touched - your biggest insecurity. She took the seat next to Jungkook, where you usually sat. Rosé didn't notice your sudden change in behavior, perhaps because she was already focused on her boyfriend who was pointing to the seat next to him. When the others finally noticed your presence, both Jungkook and the mysterious girl next to him looked back and for a second you forgot how to walk. Shit. It's only been three weeks since you last saw him, but he looked different: stronger, more defined, more tattooed and even more handsome. He changed his haircut too and added two more earrings to the one he already had. Your eyes met for a few minutes, until you reached the table saying hi to everyone

"Y/n finally you give us an opportunity to see your pretty face" Tae said wrapping one arm around Rosé's chair. "I thought you were mad at us and were going to pull a Jungkook stunt."

"As if Tae, as if. It's only been five days since you last saw me, there's no need for you to miss me that much. Besides, you knew where I was and I was always contactable," you said, walking around the table. You noticed Jungkook had opened a space between him and Tae, perhaps for you to sit there, however, you grabbed a chair and pulled it next to Rosé. You saw Jungkook frowning.

"Yeah you're right. Regarding that, Jungkook is the master champ without a doubt, disappeared without saying anything and when he returned he brought a friendly surprise with him." Tae was teasing Jungkook but didn't get any reaction from him. You shrugged, opening the can of Coke Zero you ordered and pouring it into the glass with ice and lemon. "Expected" was all you said about it before the mood grew tense. Jungkook was still quiet, despite the girl next to him laughing at what was being said. The rest of the time was spent talking about plans for the rest of the summer and what to do before college started until Rosé mentioned your birthday.

"So as you guys know our Y/n's birthday is tomorrow and we have to celebrate properly, so tomorrow get ready to party all night long. There are no exceptions, so don't even remember to make plans for tomorrow, you hear Y/n? I'm going to be extremely upset" Rosé made you pinky swear you wouldn't bail at your own party. Around eleven p.m you left the pub where you were, ready to go home. Rosé and Tae were going home together and Jungkook was also supposed to go with the girl whose name you didn't know yet. You had two options: either you'd go with your best friend and her boyfriend or you'd for a walk alone. Obviously you chose the second option. Don't get the wrong impression, you loved to see them happy but you weren't going to submit yourself to that humiliation and even though she said they were going to take you home, you preferred to walk. It was your initial plan until Jungkook spoke to you for the first time that night.

"I can take you home Y/n. I have my car and Catherine lives nearby, we'll drop her quickly and then I'll drop you off safely" So that was her name- Catherine- how fancy you wanted to say. You declined the offer, saying you wanted to walk but Rosé insisted on what a good idea it was and how she felt more at ease knowing Jungkook was the one taking you, claiming she knew who to kill if something happened to you leaving you no choice but to hop on the car with him and fancy Catherine.

She went in the front seat while you got in the back. You heard them talk but you weren't interested in understanding what they were saying just in case you heard something you shouldn't. Instead you were focused in the view outside and how calm it seemed to be, with the light breeze passing over your skin. Five minutes later you felt the car stop and saw fancy Cathy kiss Jungkook on the cheek, says she would see him tomorrow, opened the door and left without saying anything to you. After all why would she? You didn't speak to her once or even tried to talk to her so you couldn't judge. She got out, yet the car remained stopped. At first you thought he was waiting for her to get inside but there was no sign of her anymore. You looked at Jungkook and he was already staring at you through the rearview mirror. "What?"

"I'm waiting for you to move to the front seat. Isn't that how it usually is?"

"I'm good, wasn't planning to move from here for a ten minute ride anyway." You have to admit that sounded harsher than it was supposed to. He didn't respond, but the car remained still. You heard him sigh. "If you don't move to the front then I'm the one who's going to the back" You mocked him

"You wouldn't do that, especially in front of fancy Cathy's house"

"Wanna bet?" Jungkook started by taking off his seatbelt and when he was about to open the door you got out and sat in the front seat. He grinned. "See? You moved pretty fast" you simply gave him your middle finger. "Soooo... fancy Cathy? Is that what we're calling her now?"

"I thought the name was very fancy, hence the nickname. Does it bother you?"

"Not me. Seems like it bothers you much more than it bothers me." You laughed "Keep dreaming" Jungkook drove just a few meters until he stopped the car in a small, empty park, turned off the car and looked at you, this time with a look that affected your entire body. "What's going on?" You gave him a confused look. "You're acting weird"

"I'm acting weird? You were the one disappearing on everyone and when you came back you spoke to everyone but me. Just figured you were occupied"

"That was my bad and I already apologized for that mistake. I had a last minute conference, it was work related I couldn't just say no. Then I lost my phone and all the contacts, it sucked to be honest, thank you for asking. When I saw Tae and Rosé again, you were already out of town, figured I'd wait for you to come back and tell you about my bad luck myself but then you didn't even spare me a glance"

"Well I'm sorry. Didn't want to get you in trouble"

"Catherine and I are just friends. She's new in town and just started working on the same store where I tattoo. We went to the conference together plus our boss, we ended up bonding" You scoffed at him

"I can imagine" Jungkook rolled his eyes. "Anyway, how long will we be here looking at nothing? It's midnight and I wanna re-" You couldn't finish the sentence because you saw Jungkook pick up a mini cupcake with a candle on top and grab a lighter.

"Happy birthday smarty pants"

The night of your birthday was starting off really nice.

You and your friends had dinner at one of your favourite restaurants. Jungkook, Tae and Rosé gave you an hotel gift card for two people for 5 nights. Then you guys head off for Seven Rings nightclub, where the majority of teenagers would go. That night you swore to only have fun, so you danced, drank and had cigarettes stolen from Jungkook, who was very displeased and gave them to you after a lot of insistence. You weren't a smoker but when you drank you felt the urge to taste that bitter cigarette taste.

You were on your fourth Sex on the beach and had to admit the jumpsuit Rosé had given you two years ago made you feel pretty sexy and confident. You had rarely used it and thought your birthday was a special day to do so. When you showed up, your friends jaw dropped and for a moment you think you saw Jungkook adjust his pants, or maybe it was just the three beers you had earlier taking effect. Either way, you were feeling amazing and after so many drinks you couldn't care less about your surroundings. Tae was the designated driver, which meant everyone else, including you, were drunk.

Right now you're on the dance floor with Rosé while Tae and Jungkook had gone to get a drink. You were so focused on the music that you only noticed a pair of hands around your waist when someone turned you around and came face to face with you. Jungkook had a cocktail in his hand while the other was on you, pressing you against him. He looked divine: black pants and plaid shirt slightly open and tight to his body, with some of his new tattoos on display and hair longer than usual. You can't deny he was a charming and sexy man and you couldn't judge the fact that all the women ate him up with their eyes, it's not like you've never done that either, like yesterday, when he dropped you off and you went to your room, grabbed your vibrator and started pleasing yourself thinking about him. You can't recall having such a strong orgasm before. Now he was dancing so close to you you could feel his breath hit your nose and you were sure he could feel your heart beat fast too. You could smell the perfume he 'stole' from you a while back too.

"If no one has told you yet let me be the first to say you look extremely sexy today"

"Well thank you loverboy. I tried my best today, after all it's not everyday you have an opportunity to celebrate another year of life" Jungkook approached your face even more, just to whisper in your ear "I'm glad to have an opportunity this year and I hope to have many more in the coming years as well."

"Ohh Kookie if I didn't know any better I'd say you were flirting with me" You knew the conversation had to end but you didn't expect him to keep up with your game.

"Who told you I'm not?" He was looking at you so intensely and you were so close to each other the only thing you could look at was his lips. You got closer and closer and when your lips were about to touch someone pulled him away. Behind him was Fancy Cathy in a top that showed almost everything and a skirt that looked more like panties. For such a fancy name, her clothing choices left a lot to be desired.

Jungkook was a little stunned, but managed to say something to her, turning his attention to you again with hopeful eyes. You know what he intended, but you couldn't. You had a plan for yourself and you couldn't get away from it, besides, he was one of your best friends, getting involved would ruin everything and he had already said he wasn't looking for something serious or a long-term relationship. You knew his focus was on enjoying life and having as many hook ups as possible. He tried to pull you close again but you stepped away a little and took a deep breath, excusing yourself to catch some air. He followed you "Y/n wait" - he reached for your arm as you turned around to face him again "talk to me!"

"There is nothing to talk about Jungkook this is wrong! I'm drunk and so are you, we'd wake tomorrow regretting our actions and would make things awkward between us. Let's face it, we'd never work out"

"Why? How'd you know that if you don't give yourself a chance to figure it out?" you hurt him and you could tell by his voice

"How do I know? just by what you told me Jungkook. I don't wanna be one of the many friends you fool around with whenever you feel like it and move on from when you're bored. That's you, not me"

"That's what you think of me hum? Good to know. Sorry for reading it all wrong." he started to turn around but looked at you again "You're right in one thing though, we'd never work out wanna know why? Because I wouldn't be able to handle such a prude like you. And just so you know, the only reason I went out with you on the first day was because Rosé and Tae convinced me. You didn't get along with anyone and your best friend would get so worried about you that Tae wanted to fuck her without having to worry about you calling her all the time"

Suddenly everything slowed down, the words, the people, the music- everything- Is that why she always insisted for you to go out with them and meet other people? because you were a burden? You didn't realize you were alone outside, nor that you sat on a chair looking into the darkness with tears streaming down your eyes, much less did you remember Rosé approaching you. Everything was blank

"Y/n? hey girl, are you feeling okay? Jungkook went inside saying he messed up. What happened?" You tried to say something but nothing would come out, only tears. The shock of those words left you completely speechless and the only thing you wanted was to get out of there. Rosé was joined by Tae, who looked at you with panic and concerned eyes, tried to get close to you but you pushed him and he didn't force it. When you felt calmer, you got up without talking to any of them and went to the bathroom. There, you cleaned the mess on your face and texted your dad if he could come and pick you up. You got an answer within 2 minutes telling you to wait for him outside the club. You left the bathroom and went to the girl who keeps the coats and bags and handed over your ID to get your belongings back when Rosé found you again. "Y/n talk to me, what's wrong with you? What did Jungkook say to make this upset?"

"What did he say? What you never had the courage to tell me. I already understood everything Rosé. Don't worry, it's okay, I'm tired and I want to go home, my father is already on his way so there's no need to worry about my whereabouts. Enjoy it with your friends" As you headed towards the exit, you looked at the counter and you were sure it was Jungkook ordering a drink with Fancy Cathy by his side. Son of a bitch - he ruined your night, turned your head into mush and still comes out on top.

Motherfucker

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The next day you woke up with a massive headache. Your phone had ran out of battery and you didn't even bother to plug it. You made it load up, opened the windows and went to take a shower. Your parents had already gone to work, meaning you were on your own. Your father was very worried about you last night, but you said everything was fine, that your period started and you were in pain and uncomfortable. You don't know if he believed it, but it helped for him not to bring up the subject again.

30 minutes after a nice shower, you wrapped yourself on your towel and got dressed. You glanced at your phone and saw dozens of messages from Rosé and Tae, but nothing from Jungkook. You figured he was too busy fooling around with fancy Cathy to acknowledge the shit he said yesterday. You ignored them all, put your headphones on and decided to tidy up your room, which was a mess. Next week you'd know the answers from the colleges you applied to and if everything went well you'd be far away by the end of September.

4 days passed after that day

Every now and then you'd receive a text from Rosé mostly. From Tae you received two the day after the incident saying "whatever Jungkook said, I'm sorry" and "please don't push us away. Rosé and I are worried about you" None of them ever mentioned Jungkook, nor had he tried to contact you after that. One of those times, you replied to Rosé saying you needed some space and wanted to be alone. Despite everything, she was still your best friend and it wasn't her fault, but Jungkook's words echoed in your head over and over again.

Monday.

You had finally left your house after being locked up for days. Your mother was working at the animal shelter she used to volunteer and asked you to stop by the grocery store to pick up a few things she needed. 3 p.m and you were wearing black shorts and a gray tshirt and your hair was loose, freshly washed. You had your headphones on and were completely relaxed in Walmart when you saw a familiar figure. You tried to turn around without anyone noticing you, but it was impossible because you immediately felt a hand on your arm. When you turn around, you come face to face with a worried and sad Rosé.

"Please don't run away Y/n. You're killing me with worry and you've distanced yourself from me and I don't even know why." At that moment you felt a pang of guilt- she was right - despite everything, the mess was between you and Jungkook, not anyone else. You bought what you needed and the two of you went for a drink nearby. Even without any need, you were nervous.

"I miss you bestie. What the hell happened that night? I spoke with Jungkook and the only thing he said was how he fucked up and how sorry he was. He disappeared too, Tae has been with him but refuses to let me know what the hell happened and I just feel lost."

The events of that night pass through your memory for the thousandth time. "Jungkook and I were dancing. We were both kinda drunk, he flirted with me and I flirted back, friendly teasing. Then we started getting closer and closer until we were interrupted by the friend who went with us the other day. She messed with Jungkook and I think it dawned on me what was about to happen and I panicked" suddenly you felt tears prying your eyes but you kept talking. "I started thinking about my future plans, our friendship, our goals… about how he behaves when it comes to girls- I don't know, I was afraid of I don't even know what honestly. I ended up telling him I needed some air and he followed me, we argued. I told him we were both drunk and were confusing things and we would regret our actions the next day and it wasn't going to work out between us. He freaked out, but I was honest Rosé. After Josh I never got along with any other male, I don't see things the way he sees them, how he handles female friendships- I was an idiot but so was he"- You took a deep breath- "In the end he agreed we would never work out because he couldn't be with a prude like me and that he only started hanging out with me because you guys had convinced him. Not to mention that Tae was fed up with you constantly being worried about me that you couldn't even fuck, something like that. After half of those words I couldn't think straight and I just wanted to run away from there so I went to the bathroom and asked my dad to pick me up. The end."

Rosé's expression was pure shock. "Y/n that's.... That's not true. I mean yeah me and Tae wanted to introduce you to him but only because we thought you guys would hit off pretty good and in fact you did! It had nothing to do with us fucking- anyway. I am speachless. Peanut, I'm so sorry for this mess, I didn't realize any of that, if only I had seen it coming." Rosé grabbed your hand and squeezed it - "I didn't even notice Jungkook was drinking- I heard him say he'd only be up to water and juice- which is not an excuse- I- Fuck!" she stopped talking for a bit " I spoke with him after you left, he was panicking, saying he messed everything up with you, how he didn't mean to say what he did. Tae went with him to catch some air while I stayed with Catherine, we dropped him home and then he vanished aswell" She didn't say anything else and you weren't interested in knowing more about him either. You know you overreacted that day, but that didn't justify the angry words that came out of his mouth. If you knew, you would never have gone to that damn nightclub.

You and Rosé continued to sit there and after you calmed down, she changed the subject. You already missed being with her like this: with no stress, without worries. Shortly after, you returned home, but not before promising her you wouldn't vanish again without first giving an explanation. Truth to be told, she was always more rational than you.

The rest of the days flew by. You never saw Jungkook again and you also chose not to cross paths with Tae, perhaps out of shame of what he might have heard and what he might know. The good part was that you started doing more for yourself: you joined the gym, you committed to reading more and soon you'd know where you were going to study. You were excited as hell, after everything, you just wanted to get out of that city, meet new people, focus on something other than how Jungkook made you feel that night and how little he cared about you.

He wasn't a bad person and he never gave you reasons to be mad at him and maybe you overreacted that night and were a bit off limits with what you said, but the way you'd see him with different girls would always make you feel tensed up and weird. How could he be with so many girls at the same time? You knew he had a type: all the girls he had been with were so similar to you that you didn't want to be just one more of his conquest.

You were now 19 and still a virgin, always extremely shy and never felt comfortable with guys after Josh so that topic was something you were sensitive about. No one knew other than Rosé-who was way more experienced than you- however she never pressured you into anything, on the opposite, she always encouraged you over the person who was your first, since she had a terrible experience in this aspect. Intimicy was something you found difficult to have with someone else and maybe that's the main reason it'd confuse you how Jungkook could be with so many people at the same time and for them to be alright, you'd never understand that.

Ohhh Jungkook

He never reached out or would cross patches with you either. Whenever you'd hang out with Rosé and Tae he'd never show up. There was this one time you think you saw him at the same place as you but you panicked so much you didn't get the courage to see if it was really him or not. When you looked back again he wasn't there anymore - maybe it was a mirage- you missed him so much, despite everything, he meant so much for you, he understood you like no other and would always support you no matter what. You never thought your friendship or whatever existed between you would break over something so silly

It had been two weeks since that day. You already knew where you were going to study, in fact college wasn't too far away - 1 hour by car and 30minutes by train, which you could catch sometimes, even though you decided to stay in the dorms, only going back home from time to time. Everything was outlined. Among your hobbies, you had also gotten a part-time job at a cafe that allowed you to earn some money until you went to college. You would only start taking things in mid or late September to start classes in the beginning of October. You were excited - new place, new people - everything meant to be perfect - but you should know not everything goes as we would like and you would be proof of that very soon.

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September 2016

It was the last week before your classes started and you moved permanently. Together with your parents, you had already gone to visit the room where you'd be staying, taking some things there. Today was also your last day at work, so to celebrate you, Rosé, Tae and some of your co-workers: Jade, Leigh and Jackson went out for dinner, followed by a movie session of the latest horror film that had come out: M3gan 2.0. You were excited and at the same time nervous and nostalgic. You had never left the protective wings of your parents, or even gone to a place where you didn't know anyone. Within a week you were on your own and it was making you anxious, even though you know it's part of the moving process.

You had just finished dinner at McDonald's and were about to buy tickets for the 9 p.m. session, but you needed to go to the bathroom first, which happened to be in the same hallway as the cinema entrance, telling Rosé to buy your ticket while you were there. Two minutes later you were done, washed your hands, checked your makeup and headed towards your friends, when suddenly you felt your phone vibrate inside your bag and you looked down at it, trying to find it. It was only seconds, but that was all it took for you to go against someone

"God I'm sorry. I was distracted and didn't see - " Words failed you as you looked up and saw a face you were all too familiar with. In front of you was Jungkook, with the same bambi eyes and the same piercing in the corner of his mouth, but more robust, even more tattooed and sexy as fuck. After your birthday in July, you never spoke again, you only knew he was now working full time at the tattoo shop and how he'd go out with Tae from time to time, but nothing more- you wouldn't ask and Rosé wouldn't tell you either.

You avoided to know about him or see something on his social media because it hurt how casual he moved on like you didn't matter when you were still stuck on that moment. Every time you thought about those words, the cold look, the lack of interest he had in at least admitting he fucked up, cut you in thin layers 'til this day. Maybe if you guys had spoken, today you could remain friends and put that mistake behind you.

Jungkook's face was tense at the sight of you, pale. You could see he wasn't expecting to see you there and didn't know how to react at your presence. The atmosphere was so heavy you just wanted to disappear from there, so you adjusted your bag, bowed and were ready to move until you heard his voice. It was just then that you noticed yourself holding back tears. "I'm sorry". You were confused and he could tell by your face. You took a deep breath.

"You don't need to apologize, I was the one who accidentally bumped against you." He just looked at you. He didn't know how to respond, there was no way, he knew he had fucked up with those ignorant words that only came out because he was angry, he knew he shouldn't have let you go without making the effort to talk to you, but he didn't have balls to do it, he was rude and used arguments he knew would hurt you and he felt so guilty and ashamed he didn't know how to face you after. When he woke up the next morning he realized the shit he had done, yet it was too late and he was too selfish to take the first step. In his head he'd be fine, you were just someone who had crossed his path and he let go.

Until it wasn't fine... at all

He found himself writing to you a million times and deleting after, every day he'd look over your social media to see what were you up to and every day he'd run past your house, telling himself that it was just a short road to his house, deep down using it as an excuse to see if he would cross paths with you. He would ask Tae about you, however he never gave much away, their friendship was also shaky after the way he used his and Rosé's names to unfairly attack you created some distance and only recently things have started to feel normal again. Now, seeing you in front of him, so beautiful, yet so broken was grinding him inside because he knew he was the one who had taken away the shine you once radiated. He had to say something

"I already know that you managed to get where you wanted. Congratulations Y/n, I'm glad you got what you wanted from the beggining."

"Thank you" you turned your head to look for some of your friends and coming face to face with Jackson waiting for you. "I have to go, I have people waiting for me." when you were ready to return to your group you felt Jungkook's hand on your wrist.

"I know I'm the last person you want to see in front of you and I know it's too late and you probably hate me. Not that it's much help, but I want you to know that I also hate myself for that day. Besides losing someone very important to me I also ruined a special day for you and I'm sorry Y/n, for everything." you felt your face getting wet and with your sleeve you wiped the tears rolling down your cheeks. "

Not that it changes anything but thank you for this, I really appreciate those words." You couldn't say anything else, so you mumbled a "Sorry, I really have to go" and quickened your pace. Today was supposed to be a day where your only concern was to have fun, not end the night crying. At another time you knew Jungkook would be your support. In another time you knew your last days in the city would be with him, but on this very moment you only felt sadness invading your entire being because it wasn't possible. Damn, you just wanted to be in his comfort, between his arms and his warmth, he was the person who made you feel the safest and now you were completely unprotected. You missed him but right now there was no way you could reconnect with each other and maybe that was the best

For now

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October 3rd 2016

First day of school and you were a nervous wreck. A much bigger school than you were used to, with so many different things. You were trying to find the first classroom when a girl bumped into you, someone a little taller than you, light brown hair that almost reached her butt, hazel brown eyes.

"Hello- Hi- sorry, didn't see where I was going." She looked nervous, just like you.

"Hi, it's okay, it happens. First day?"

"Yes and to make it better I don't know anyone or know how and where to find the classroom and I'm going to be late. Did you see how big this is? It's easy to get lost here." You both laughed.

"I know what you're saying. I got into Education - my goal is to be a kindergarden teacher, yours?"

"Oh my God same! does that mean we're in the same class? I'm Alexa by the way."

"Y/n, nice to meet you. So let's go find this classroom or what?"

Alexa was very nice and committed, as well as calm. During the day you also met two more girls: Ivy and Jess. Both Alexa and Jess lived in the city, but you and Ivy, since you were from far away, had rooms close to college and the best thing was that you both actually stayed in the same dorm. That day, when you spoke to your mother and told her you had made new friends and that one of them was luckily your roommate you noticed the calmness in her voice. By the end of the week you already knew college inside out, as well as the buses and trains you had to take.

It didn't take long until Friday arrived and you were waiting for the bus near your dorm. You were going back home to see your parents, since they almost made you promise you would go home at least two or three times a month. When the bus arrived, you chose a seat and put on your headphones to drown out the noise around you until you caught yourself looking at a boy who in turn was already looking at you. You smiled and looked away embarrassed. About five minutes later you felt a tap on your shoulder

"Excuse me, can I sit here?" A blond guy with honey color eyes and a perfect smile planted in his face said. He wasn't very tall, around 1.70m but damn was he attractive. Since you couldn't formulate a verbal response, you just nodded and he smiled and sat down next to you. At first he didn't say anything, but then he started talking to you about college life and how difficult it could be. You found out he had been here for a year, but had switch majors to Economics, so he was repeating his first year again although he had already completed some subjects due to his previous major. The conversation between you was so interesting that before you knew it, you had arrived at the train station.

You thought you wouldn't see him again so soon, but you were surprised to see him get on the same train: curiously, you discovered you lived in neighboring towns, ten minutes apart by car. During your conversation, he seemed interesting and humble and above all, he was going through a complicated process since he had just lost his grandmother a week ago. You had never experienced the pain of such a loss, so you sympathized with his pain, just imagining losing someone so close to you gave you chills. He left before you, so before he got to his stop he asked for your social media and added each other. In your opinion it was still too early for you to give him your number and you didn't even know if you would see him again, but the truth is that you were curious about him.

When you got home, there was a message from him on Facebook and then you started talking every day. At first, you didn't mention it to your mother or Rosé, but both of them noticed your phone wouldn't stop vibrating and you ended up confessing you were meeting someone. Your mother was shocked, but Rosé was a little apprehensive.

"I thought you would be happy to see me talking to someone of the opposite sex" you said jokingly. She sighed.

"And I am, baby. I guess deep down I thought you and Jungkook would turn things around and get over what happened before and get close again. You were perfect together." Since that little encounter a month ago, you haven't seen or spoken to him again. Of course at first you compared Jungkook to Peter, they were the opposite of each other and you missed Jungkook's craziness, but it was time to move on.

"Ohh c'mon Rosé, it was never like that and you know it. We got along so well because I was the only one who could resist his charms from the very beginning. I knew everything about him, the good and the dirt, the girlfriends, conquests, flings, you name it. It never went beyond that, don't be silly." She scoffed

"Ohh Y/n please, you're the idiot one, that guy almost got boners every time you'd walk by. He'd look at you and his eyes would literally lit up, whenever you'd speak he'd be the most attentive one, even if it was the dumbest shit ever! That's why Tae and I were so sure something would happen between you two. I know he felt something for you and it wasn't just friendship."

"If he felt something then why didn't he ever say anything? Why was he always with a different girl? Why did he say he just wanted to enjoy life without thinking about serious relationships? I think you two are the ones who traveled too far and saw things where they didn't exist."

"Because both you and him are stubborn as hell and he knew about your goals and that you were leaving soon or maybe out of fear just like you. It may not seem like it Y/n, but he's more serious than you think and he's very intense. It saddens me that's all, I think you would make a wonderful couple." You didn't say anything else. First you didn't know what to say and second you weren't interested, not anymore.

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November 2016

You and Peter talked every day and ironically you ended up seeing each other every day either on the bus or when he'd go see you when you finished classes or vice versa. At this point you had already exchanged numbers and were officially dating, life was going well and you were finally starting to be happy again, but nothing lasts forever and what was one of your biggest fears would come true way too soon.

Classes were starting to take a heavy toll on you: lots of work for more than 10 different subjects, group and individual projects and and you were getting into a nervous spiral, time seemed to be running out. It was wednesday, around 7 p.m and you were so envolved on your homework about child development that it took you a while to notice someone was calling you. Looking over to your phone you saw a call from your dad.

"Hey dad, what's up?" It was rare for him tocall you; it was usually your mother.

"Hey honey, how are you?" He had an apprehensive tone.

"I'm fine but you don't seem so well dad, what's going on?" He avoided answering at first and you stopped what you were doing and started walking around the room.

"Baby we need to talk. First of all I want you to try and stay calm, okay? It's about your mother…" The rest of his words were whispers, everything became a blur and before you knew it, you were packing a small bag and heading to the bus stop as fast as you could. From what you could gather from your father's words, your mother wasn't feeling well and started throwing up a lot. At first, they thought it was indigestion, but then she started to feel strong back pain and had difficulty breathing and keeping her balance and he took her to the hospital at her request. She was someone who hated the smell of hospitals so for her to ask to go there was already a red flag.

While you waited to reach your destination, you sent a quick text to Peter saying your mother had felt unwell and you had to leave in a hurry to be close to your dad. A journey that took 30 minutes was taking ages and you could only imagine the worst case scenarios. When you arrived at the station, you took the first taxi you saw and went straight to the hospital where you found your father sitting with his head in his hands.

"Dad- dad, how is mom? Have they said anything? I'm here now, sorry it took so long."

"Your mother is doing tests, I don't know anything yet, baby. Don't apologize, everything will be fine, let's try to stay calm." And you waited for minutes, hours, you couldn't even tell the difference anymore.

11:13 pm

Neither you nor your father had eaten and the pain of not knowing anything was killing you. Suddenly you saw a nurse walking towards you and stood up.

"Marie Evans' family?"

"Yes it's us."

"We've just finished all the tests and have confirmed the diagnosis. Mrs. Evans has advanced pancreatitis and is currently on medication. We're waiting for her condition to improve so we can transfer her to a better ward. You can come with me, give her a kiss and collect her belongings, please." You were the first entering the room where your mother was. She had all kinds of devices connected to her: both inside and out, you had never seen anything like it and immediately started crying.

"Please don't cry baby, it's okay, I'll be fine. I want you to remain calm and never give up on your goals. It's late my love, go home with your father, get some rest and don't forget you have classes tomorrow. I love you very much, you're my dream come true. Both you and your father are my life and I'll always take care of you." Her words were weak and you could see the effort she was making to say them.

You kissed her forehead and told her you loved her. Your father came in shortly after and you said goodbye to her along with her belongings: cell phone, glasses and wedding ring. All of this is the sum total of a human being and the memories they carry. They kept your number in case there was any change in her condition. That night you slept in your father's bed, you couldn't go to your room alone, needless to say you didn't sleep at all that night.

8 a.m and your father called the hospital to find out about your mother's condition and they told him everything was normal. After these words you were able to rest a little until you woke up to the sound of your phone ringing and the number of the hospital you had saved earlier.

10 a.m and you got the worst news. Your mother wasn't responding to the treatment and her organs were failing and if you wanted to say goodbye to her you had to go there immediately, because they didn't know how long she would be able to resist. The world fell apart and everything went numb.

10:45a.m you and you dad were at the hospita. You had dark circles under your eyes and you still hadn't stopped crying while your father tried to stay calm. You arrived at the hospital and the first thing you did was to go to the reception to find something out. Apparently she had been transferred to the ICU and a nurse was coming to guide you. The way there was dark and morbid, you had never felt this emptiness and cold inside you before.

11:22 a.m. a nurse came to you again and looked at you with such sad eyes that she approached you with a glass of water.

"Do you want to go in and say goodbye to her one last time?" You said yes and put on those protective suits, gloves and masks. When you got to her side, you couldn't take it anymore and fell on your knees next to her bed, crying desperately.

"I can't, please get me out of here, I can't." she was pale and cold, breathing with the help of a ventilator that would soon stop working. It wasn't her anymore, it was just a body. The nurse helped you out while your father stayed there a little longer. The last thing you remember was fainting in the nurse's arms.

12:08 p.m - after regaining consciousness, your father took you out to get some air and the two of you sat on a bench.

"We have to eat something, sweetheart."

"I know, dad."

"Shall we go?" You shook your head, but neither of you moved to the cafeteria, but instead to the waiting room where a doctor came to you minutes later.

"I'm sorry to inform you, but her condition is deteriorating significantly. We can't guarantee how long it will take: it could be hours or it could be a matter of minutes. I'm so sorry."

1.45 p.m and you were still waiting sitting on those sad and lifeless blue chairs. As much as you could, you informed your closest family so that they could be prepared for anything. You were so young, but with such a huge responsibility you wondered how long you'd be albe to hold on. The same nurse who helped you a few hours ago came back to you.

"Do you want to try going in one more time?" You nodded and went back in with your father. This was the last time you were going to see your mother, you had to say goodbye somehow, no matter how much it would cost you. You approached her and took her cold hand. "I know you've been waiting to go, mom. I'm sorry for keeping you locked up here. I know you did everything you could and that you'll always keep an eye out for us. You can go, mom, we'll be fine. Go in peace, just don't forget that I love you very much and I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

2.30 p.m and the doctor responsable for your mother called you and your father into a private room, telling you to sit down. You understood everything. As soon as he said, "I'm sorry," you lowered your head to cry. "We don't understand what happened or why she stopped responding to treatment, but her condition was always very delicate. She never stabilized normally and had very intense peaks. As nurse Adams explained, the situation got worse in the early hours of the morning and to avoid even more suffering we had to put her into a coma." He spoke, but you didn't understand anything.

You were empty inside. You didn't even remember leaving the hospital, all you knew was when you left those diabolical doors, Peter, Rosé, Tae and Jungkook were waiting for you, with tears on their faces. You didn't think much and ran out: not to your best friend, nor to your boyfriend, but to the person who hurt you a while ago: Jungkook: he was the one you needed right now. Jungkook hugged you so tightly that luckily you didn't lose your breath. You cried against his chest and he cried silently for you, affirming that everything was going to be okay and from that moment on nothing would take you both apart.

Two weeks have passed

It's been two long weeks since you lost your mother and you just went back to college. Between organizing the funeral and managing to stay on your feet, at the same time being the only pillar of support for your father who was also trying to cope with the pain of an unexpected loss.

After the funeral, you isolated yourself more at home, trying to find a way to move on. You've been receiving texts from your friends giving you strength, although they're giving you the space they know you need. This whole situation has helped you and Jungkook to end up getting a little closer too, he'd show up at your door with food or suplies Rosé would tell him you needed and he'd buy. Other times he'd cook for you and make you company while your dad had to go work.

You and Jungkook agreed to put things behind and be friends, but never went back to the way they were before, plus now you were with Peter and he was also getting to know someone who frequented his tattoo store often. It's a good thing you moved on, because he did too. You both moved on and learnt from past mistakes and you were just grateful for having him in your life again, slowly going back to normal.

Now about Peter, he has been with you and supporting you a lot too. The fact he also went through the loss of his grandmother not long ago made him more familiar with all these new feelings on your side, making it easier to talk to him. On one occasion, you even told him you weren't going to do anything to end your life, but if it happened you wouldn't care. You still couldn't accept you had lost the person who gave you affection and comfort even if the world was against you. On top of that, you stayed with your father who, like you, was in pieces and dealing with college, paper works and internships was driving you crazy.

A few months passed and you were now in June and almost done with the last semester of your first year of college. On one hand, you felt time had passed quickly, but on the other, you felt that it hadn't passed quickly enough. Your relationship with Peter continued to go well, as did your friendship with Rosé and Tae. As for Jungkook, even though you were on good terms it was never the same as before and as time passed you'd only speak from time to time.

When you returned home you made a point of meeting them all. On one of those meetings, you took Peter with you and to your surprise, when you got close to your friends, Jungkook was also there with his girlfriend- Yes it was official- In one of your visits you heard Tae say Jungkook had made his relationship with Sophia official. At first, you thought it would be like the other times, but when Tae mentioned they had been seeing each other for months, you kept quiet. She had managed to change Jungkook's mind in a matter of months. Now seeing her in person you couldn't deny how gorgeous she was: brunette, tall, honey brown eyes with some tattoos on her body, older than him and richer, a deadly combination. Both attractive and perfect for each other. You already noticed Jungkook has a type since all the girls you saw him with had the same features.

How ironic

It was awkward at first and you thanked the heavens that Peter wasn't shy like you. He was outgoing and talkative, always had something to talk about and when he didn't he would invent something. Sophia was also chatty and seemed like a good girl deep down. When she wasn't talking, she was snuggled up to Jungkook and sometimes you noticed her eyes darting between you and Jungkook. You just smiled.

She smiled back.

Nothing lasts forever

What you thought was the best thing that ever happened to you turned into a huge nightmare. You were currently on vacation and wouldn't be back to college until October. You had been with Peter for 9 months now and although everything was perfect at first, you were now starting to have second thoughts. A while ago, you noticed his behavior changing and you met a more controlling, manipulative and demanding Peter. You were constantly receiving texts from him asking what were you doing and where you were and if you didn't answer within 5 minutes, he'd flip. When you were studying for your final exams back in May/ June, you weren't paying so much attention to your phone and your father or roomate would show up next to you with his phone in his hand saying Peter was on the other line to talk to you. Of course, this always led to a lot of arguments.

You hated the fact he thought you had to be there for him the entire time. Then he started to pick on you what you wore: either because it was too short and showed off your curves or because it was too colorful and caught others attention. And finally he got to the point where he also started to get mad when you were out with Rosé and Tae. They didn't like him that much and when these situations started to happen, they hated him even more. Your father had also told you he wasn't the man for you. Yes, your own father thought he was childish and stupid and only accepted him because it was your choice. Embarassing how he saw it before you.

He just didn't pick on Jungkook because he didn't know you two used to be that close hence you'd never mention him before, although that had started to change recently. Truth be told, your mother's death had served as a tool for you and Jungkook to get closer again. It had started with small texts here and there asking if you were okay and how you were managing all of it. Little by little you started hanging out with the group again and although it was weird at first, little by little it started to feel like the old days. Until this one day when you had gone to Target to buy some things and in the same aisle you saw Jungkook. At first he didn't see you, but when he looked up he recognized you and came over to you, talked for a while and when you were about to say goodbye he invited you for a coffee. You were embarrassed to admit time with Jungkook had passed so quickly and you didn't even noticed it, something you didn't feel with Peter, whenever you were with him you wanted to leave.

From that day on, you and Jungkook had started hanging out and talking more. He said his girlfriend didn't care and wasn't jealous, that she also went out with her friends. On the other hand, you hid these little hang outs with Jungkook from Peter because you knew it would cause unnecessary mess. You often confided in Jungkook about your relationship, that it wasn't working out and you didn't know how to get out of it, because he had helped you so much and you were feeling ungrateful for even thinking about ending it.

Peter was also your first, even though he was an idiot about it. You were honest with him about everything related to sex and he always respected you on that. One day you were at his house and were making out and things were evolving very quickly until he stopped and suggested for you to go to the bathtub. When you asked him why, he simply replied "Since it's your first time, you're going to bleed and to avoid dirtying the sheets it's better to go to the bathtub, because it's easier to clean"

When you heard that, you instantly lost your excitement and felt ridiculous. You slapped him so hard your hand left a mark on his face, and left. Stupidly, you ended up forgiving him a couple weeks later, after a lot of work on his part. A short time later, he prepared a romantic dinner and that's when you lost your virginity, however, it wasn't what you expected at all- he was insensitive and rough. He taught you how to suck his dick but didn't want to eat you out because it was "disgusting." He didn't wait until you were wet enough to start the act, which ended up hurting you terribly. It lasted 2 minutes and then he got dressed and went out for a smoke. You swore to yourself if sex was always like this, you'd never want to have it again.

It was the first and last time you did it

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September 1st, 2017

It was Jungkook's birthday and your group of friends had planned to go out. You and Peter were going through (another) rough time so you didn't even invite him. You had planned to go to St. Pierre, a nearby restaurant with affordable prices and excellent food. You, Rosé and Tae were already there when Jungkook arrived with Sophia, holding hands and smiling. Every now and then you forgot that he was a committed guy. They greeted everyone and sat next to each other. My goodness, they were really perfect together, you could tell there was stability in their relationship by the way they acted, the way they spoke and you felt sad for a moment. Damn, you had been through so much and you hadn't even had any luck in love. You got so lost in your thoughts that you only realized it when you felt a light kick and realized it was Jungkook calling your attention, with a worried look while the others remained excited in their conversation. You smiled at him and nodded to assure him you were fine.

After dinner, you went to a bar. Although you were enjoying the atmosphere, you couldn't help but feel a little out of place. Everyone was in couples and happy while you were alone, feeling like you didn't belong. Everyone was dancing and you informed Rosé you were going for a drink, ordered something and went to get some air on the terrace. You picked up your phone and found a ton of texts from Peter - you didn't reply to any of them.

"Is everything okay?" You were surprised to see Jungkook next to you, also with a drink in his hand.

"You scared me Jk" you laughed "Yes, everything's fine, it was very hot inside and the night is amazing so I came here for a bit" He leaned on the railing and rested his arms on it

"You're acting weird. As much as you want to hide it I know you pretty well, I know when something isn't right. Is it Peter?" You sighed and imitated his position.

"That too. I'm tired and I don't even know why. I see everyone around me having fun, living life and being truly happy and I wonder what I did wrong to not be able to enjoy things without feeling bad or guilty for just living. Fuck, look at me. A place full of couples and here I am alone because my boyfriend only does shit and we are more often mad at each other than we are actually happy." You hadn't realized, but the distance between your body and his had gotten smaller. How? No idea. He had turned around and was now leaning his back against the railing, his arms still resting on it, looking at you.

"Sometimes things aren't as they seem. People are actors and those around them only see what they want them to see. I know this first hand" You were going to ask what he meant by that, but stopped when you felt his hand on your shoulder "Break up with him Y/n. If he doesn't make you happy, if he doesn't do you any good leave him. You deserve much more than living with someone who is always criticizing and hurting you."

"Jungkook I..." you couldn't finish your sentence because behind you you heard a throat rumbling and that's when you remembered: Sophia. You quickly turned around to see a confused Rosé.

"You were taking too long so I came to see if everything was okay. Jungkook, Sophia was looking for you, she just went to the bathroom to touch up her makeup." Jungkook nodded and without saying anything looked at you, then at Rosé and went inside. Few seconds later she spoke

"What are you doing peanut? He's dating! As unhappy as you are, don't involve other people. It took a lot for Jungkook to finally meet someone decent and Sophia is actually a good girl and is good for him. Don't ruin your friendship like last time, please."

"Are you crazy? Rosé, you know I'd never do anything to hurt him, who do you think I am? What a shitty thing to say" however you knew what she meant and you couldn't get mad at her because deep down she said what you really felt: Jungkook made you nervous and confused and when you were with him you couldn't help but feel special, to the point to forget he had a girlfriend, a serious relationship and you had someone too, even if it's bad. Sophia was good to Jungkook, they were great together and everyone noticed, even you. That doesn't mean you didn't feel a pang of jealousy: everything you wanted was there, but far far away from you.

You had reached your limit

Once again you and Peter were having a huge argument, this time because you were wearing shorts and a black shirt that were a little too tight for your body. Your father always told you were better than that and you knew he was right and it was time to do something to change that.

There were two weeks left until you started your second year of college and you decided to take advantage of this time with your father and go visit your grandparents. For Peter, it was a tragedy you hadn't taken him and even more so when you refused to go on vacation with him to visit your family. In the end, you were just gaining a little more courage to end things. After Jungkook's birthday, you had met up one more time, two days later at the usual place. All your friends were there and you ended up mentioning that since it was almost time for you to return to college life, you were going to enjoy the rest of your time in your grandparents house. Everyone said they were going to miss you but Jungkook asked how long you were going to be away. Rosé and Tae tried to change the subject as they noticed Sophia's gaze on him and then on you. It was a simple question, but it created some tension there. You didn't see fury in her eyes nor could you grasp what kind of feelings that look conveyed.

You were the first to leave, insisting you still had things to pack and organize before leaving and you hugged them all one by one. When it was Jungkook's turn you smiled, there was no need to say anything. He also hugged you tightly, caressing the back of your head and thanked you for being part of his life again. Finally it was Sophia's turn and she had half smile on her lips and opened her arms to say goodbye. You approached her "Thank you for taking care of Jungkook and for doing so much for him" she looked at you with a smile and hugged you even tighter.

She really was a good vibe and if he was happy then so were you

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It's been 3 days since you got to you grandparents house and you felt like home. In here you felt a huge presence of your mom lingering around. Your first night there you cried with your grandmother, you could have lost a mother but she lost a daughter and it was being infernal for everyone. One thing you noticed about grief was that it felt like a rollercoaster: You could be fine for days, maybe weeks and then one day you'd wake up and couldn't get out of bed. It also helped define your relationship with Peter. You weren't happy and he was becoming increasingly toxic, so you decided to put an end to the relationship. You thought you would feel bad, but you discovered in the end the only feeling you felt was relief. Although you know he will ask you for another chance and will run into you at college, things will work out better this way, at least for you.

It was the third night and you received a text from Jungkook asking how were you and you still hadn't answered. As time went by, you began to realize Jungkook didn't belong in your past and seeing him with Sophia broke your heart little by little and although you were happy that he was okay, you knew this whole situation was partly your fault. If you hadn't been a coward and run away that night, maybe the girl in his arms right now would be you and not her. You were in the middle of whether to answer or not when you moved your finger and it accidentally clicked the call button. You mentally facepalmed yourself and were about to hang up when he answered. Fuck

"H- hi. I'm sorry I didn't mean to call."

"Ohh" silence "It's okay, I'm glad you did though, how are you?" You did pause on that question. You weren't okay at all, but you didn't want to be talking about it with him.

"I'm fine I guess. You?" you heard a dry laugh on the other side

"You're a terrible liar smarty pants, you know that right?" You mentally hit yourself "you can be honest with me, I've told you that so many times. You don't have to pretend with me"

"I'm trying to be okay but it takes time you know. I love being here with my grandparents and my dad, yet I have too many memories of my mom and it's drowning me. That and… well, I broke up with Peter" you heard a throat clearing.

"Did- did you really break up? Did he do something to you?"

"Yes, we broke up. There was no way back, the way he sees life and the way I see it are completely different. Besides, he was becoming more and more possessive and manipulative and I wasn't well anymore. I let myself be out of convenience maybe. Stupid, I know, but I felt alone and he understood how I felt about the loss of my mother and… I don't know- I think it was more because of that, because deep down I always knew we had no future together."

"We need to do a lot of shit to finally see what we have in front of us and find the right person"

"You're speaking for yourself aren't you? for someone who didn't want any kind of serious connection to anybody, you and Sophia are getting along really well." a brief pause "I'm really happy for you guys, everyone can tell you're happy and I have to thank her. Somehow she managed to change something in you, that's a huge deal already. I'm glad you found someone who motivate you to take risks and settle down." There was a brief silence until Jungkook said

"Yes, I think so. There are people who come into our lives to show us something, right?"

"Exactly. Like me and Peter," you laughed, "he definitely came into my life to show me that bad things never come alone. That and the fact now I'm even more sure of what I don't want in my life. Anyway, sorry to bother you so late at night, it really was an accident and I don't want to interfere in your life, it's better to hang up before Sophie gets upset."

"She won't, don't worry. Besides, I'm glad you called. Enjoy your time at your grandparents' and don't forget to give signs of life from time to time in your busy student life." You said goodbye and hung up the phone. It was in those moments you realized how much you missed Jungkook, because only he knew the right way to calm you down and cheer you up. Even if you don't want to admit it, you envy Sophia. She was able to change his view on relationships and you end up imagining what could have happened if you had been the one to give him that opportunity. Back then you were still very childish and had a lot to live and learn in life and Jungkook had a lot of growth to do too, even though there's always that "what if" question thing. "What if things were different?" Now Jungkook already had his other half

And how sad you felt about that

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