#i'm going to start making a journal
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antique notebooks
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why's this man a whole diva like his skincare routine has more steps than me 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
#we were callingggg just now ^_^#he was getting ready for bed and then screenshared his tiktok to me 😭#istg his entire fyp is stupid videos or edits#i'm not complaining like at least it isn't like belle delphine#also he NEEDS to start editing again like#his edits were so good .#tiktoker x editor HOW GOATED OF A DUO IS THAT#anyways yea ... he needed to go sleep ...#hehe i'm super happy tho#he makes me laugh .. *sighs dreamily*#we've been talking so much this week i'm so happy :3#journal . . ✶#somityྀི
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*skitters up to you on all fours with a bunch of drawings in my mouth* *drops them at your feet* *skitters away*
enjoy some schizophrenia / psychosis / mental health-based humor.
#had an exchange with someone very important to me that helped me work up the moxie necessary to get over my anxiety and post some of these#(you know who you are and i know you're reading this. ilusm and thank you for being in my life)#I'll schedule this post for later in the day. 100% I'm going to forget about doing that and be confused when I start getting notes for it#anyhoo#I wonder if I can rescue the mental health + journal comics I posted to Instagram and repost them here...#I mention my mental health journey fairly often on here but I feel I should clarify:#IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT SCHIZOPHRENIA / PSYCHOSIS / WHATEVER--- GO FOR IT! ASK ME THEM!#I won't be offended by genuine questions even if they're phrased a bit awkwardly or use language that might be less than perfect!#If you want to learn about stuff I will gladly describe my experience to the best of my ability! I don't mind whatsoever :>#not sure if that needed to be said or not but I figured I should say it just in case since I'm making a big ol' post that cracks jokes#I'm significantly removed from actively hallucinating and have made leaps and bounds in my emotional health so I'm in a great place now#mental health#mental health comic#mental illness#mental health humor#psychosis#schizophrenia#psychosis memes#schizophrenia art#humor#diary comic#diary comics#journal comic#journal comics#stuff by sofie
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this year I'm going to start a tea journal. I'm going to try as many teas as I can and write about them.
#I'm going to make the journal and I might make a couple for my shop too#i was inspired by that post about fun new years resolutions and an instagram post that my gf sent me#this year was so hard I'm really going to try and make next year good. without putting a lot of pressure on myself.#and this feels like a nice way to give myself little pockets of joy#and I'm going to continue solo cinema trips where i can#hopefully starting with nosferatu#i want to have a little more hope. because it got bleak for a while (i think. i don't remember a large amount of 2024.)
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man. I've been reworking a lot of content involving Act II of Home Is Where You Are and like. ugh. it'd work so freaking well in novel form but I just Do Not have the dedication or the drive to start from scratch and rewrite everything that happens.
idk how else to share the updated version of that part of the story with y'all tho, considering that Khalan's journal is insanely outdated now and isn't entirely canon anymore, so I'll probably just have to accept that I likely won't ever be able to update the story for y'all in the way I wish I could. >n<;;
#spectre says#text post#delete later probably#tbh i'm so tired of being tired#i've had like. no energy to write or draw#even tho. the ideas are there. i've got so many concepts going through my head that i could work on and turn into some kind of tangible art#i tried writing out a new outline for act ii but i got overwhelmed with all the changes and plot holes that still need working out#so idk if i'll even continue with that#even tho it's just bullet points#fhgdjkfg#anyway#the idea of writing everything in novel form just sounds like. SO perfect for the story as it is now#i'd love. to establish both khalan and antony as main characters and focus on what happens to both of them while in Atria#eventually having their stories collide when antony's side of things merges with what's going on with khalan and aya#it'd feel less jarring than how it worked out in the journal#because this part of the story is just as much antony's story as it is khalan and aya's#and he's ultimately the one who fixes things and has 'main character energy' by the end of that act#so establishing him as one of the tertiary main characters early on makes sense i think#but yeah. there's just a lot i'd need to do and i know i wouldn't be able to keep up with it if i did try to start writing.#IM JUST RAMBLING NOW IM SORYO#it's just been on the brain i guess
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Belle's first scene as a nurse in The Artful Dodger is a masterclass in how to get every nurse in the hospital to hate your guts immediately. They should show it to new grads as an example of everything not to do.
#newsflash: your attempts at change are not going to go well#if you come in the hospital and immediately start screaming about how everyone here is terrible at their job and patients are going to die#IN FRONT OF THE PATIENTS!#and then you take charge#despite never having done this work a day in your life#and having lived a life with nothing to do except read medical journals#i don't care how right you are#treating the people beneath you as ignorant peons instead of reasonable people you can educate and work with#is a great way to get everyone to resist and undermine everything you want to do#every single one of those nurses is talking shit about the uppity witch every second they're not onscreen i can tell you that much#the only reason i'm not totally writing her off is that the scene outside shows she does care for patients#now just learn any set of social skills beyond 'pulling rank' and maybe you'll get somewhere#but for now this is a disaster in the making
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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
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Physically, I'm already lying down.
Emotionally, I feel like I need to find a soft spot and crumple dramatically to the ground and lay down for a few weeks.
#sonder speaks#personal#but also if I wasn't fine with this being read/reblogged without context I wouldn't have posted it here#this week has been exhausting#I feel like I need permission from someone to go crawl into a nest and cry#one of my budgies died a few days ago#but I was looking after other animals that normally have a more dedicated caretaker#which was hard enough to handle that I couldn't really mourn my budgie much#especially when I need to keep happy around the remaining one so he doesn't grieve or get lonely#and I had to do a few specific tasks that are really really hard on me because nobody was there to help#and I tried to help my sister with things but none of the things worked#and a plan our family is excited about started to hit roadblocks#and one member of the family had a meltdown that triggered trauma in others in the family and drove things downhill#the family members at the center of this meltdown normally help me with chores and animal care#I was looking forward to them being home so I could rest and recuperatr and mourn#and now the meltdown has followed them here and it's built on top of years of other meltdowns and everything is tense#and of course it's bringing up old traumas and expectations and fears for me too#and I end up as a 30 year old feeling like he has 16 year old problems again#my whole body is tense#I'm not tired enough to sleep#I almost feel like crying for my budgie and all my fears and the things I let mysrlf get excited for#the things that either won't happen at all or are tainted by this veil of persistent bitterness that followed them home to me#almost#but I fear the possibility that crying could make things worse in any capacity#and I've struggled to cry for years anyway#so I'm just trying to use therapy tools to quiet the spiraling thoughts#and making this post because it feels like journaling without the pitfalls I fall into while journaling or talking directly to a person#hoping I'll get enough sleep that I don't accidentally trigger a sleep-deprivation/stress seizure my meds can't stop#and tomorrow I have to get back to studying which is very hard for me but gets me closer to making money#I liked when things were mostly good and calm and just sucked on a passive level -- can I have that again?
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૮꒰˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶꒱ა another successful monday & workday completed!! woo!! now it's cozy time!! <33 i hope you had a great day!! MWAH!! smoochin your cheeks, too!! ꒰♡˃̶̤́ ꒳ ˂̶̤̀ ꒱
#ᕱ⑅ᕱ.* journals!#i was supposed to have the day off but bc of work drama & stuff i got to go in & make that extra coin!! >:3 hehee!!#& i started the show psycho pass too!! it's v good so far!! im rlly rlly liking it!! kogami reminds me sm of spike from bebop!!#sobs im sorry i've been slackin on here :< just sm life stuff happening & i'm tryin my best to keep up!! ໒꒰ྀི ∩ ⸝⸝ ∩ ꒱ྀིა#things should begin to mellow out soon hopefully!! <33 ilyasm & i hope your dec has been so kind to you so far!! ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა
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Did I ever talk about the roleswap AU idea I had where Bill and Mina were in place of Dipper and Mabel, and Ford was in place of Stan? I don't have a LOT of ideas for it but I was thinking about it last night at work.
#Hayley Speaks#It basically starts out similar to the original show; kids get sent up to Gravity Falls for the summer to stay with Ford#And eventually start uncovering some secrets regarding a journal with a weird Pac-Man like symbol on the front#That's as far as I got though#I think Bill would be skeptical of Ford at first but overall pleased that he gets a summer away from home-#-and his nagging therapist and doctors#(I haven't decided what his mutation translates out into an AU where he's human but I assume some kind of mental illness-#-that involves hallucinations and the like)#(Or maybe that's what his parents ASSUME and have tried to get him unsuccessful help based on that thought process)#Anyway Mina's a bit more nervous because she's probably started realizing she's a girl and realizes she can actually BE a girl-#-for the summer if she wants to. But it's scary :( What if Ford told their parents and that freedom was taken away :(#Anyway both clearly have a little something different about them and Ford picks up on this IMMEDIATELY#And goes 'Well I'm the six-fingered freak of the family so I'm going to do EVERYTHING I can to make these kids feel welcome-'#All while trying to work on his plan in secret to get Stan back#But where are Dipper and Mabel you ask?#Mabel is probably in Bill's place and Dipper is not in the AU due to Mina not making her appearance known until AFTER canon#Sorry Dip
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
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so CBT never worked for us in therapy. basically every instance of it was therapists trying to get us to stop being anxious about very real problems that were very likely to happen. like, situations that were not only likely, but would be very dangerous if they did happen. sometimes even things that had already happened and were likely to happen again.
meanwhile we have an app on our phone that guides you through various CBT exercises and it turns out when we use that for the kind of shit where we already know our brain is being irrational and we just want to get our thoughts together and work through the issue by writing it out, it works really fucking well and oh look suddenly we've been doing CBT for an hour and processed the root cause of several key emotional issues we've been having for years.
funny how that works. it's almost like we can actually figure out for ourselves when something is irrational and when it's an actual real problem that could put us in danger and shouldn't be dismissed. who'd have fucking thought it
#personal#thoughts#Lucy post#therapy#this is fine to reblog if it resonates with you. if anyone starts being a shithead in the notes I'm blocking on sight though#do not pull a ''see! CBT can be helpful if it's done right! if it harmed you then your therapist was just doing it wrong'' in my comments#the therapists that harmed us were using the exact same techniques but just as a blanket solution for every single problem#and yeah you can argue that's ''doing it wrong'' and I couldn't really say you're wrong about that#but when someone's saying ''hey the way this technique is usually used has done a lot of harm to me''#it's kind of shitty to be like ''well that's not real CBT though. real CBT isn't harmful''#when it's the same techniques being used in the way they're very often used because the therapists are taught to use them that way#anyway this has been a random rant about CBT because I'm pissed that a tool that does help us when used for a very specific set of issues#has been used so badly in the past that we still end up being reluctant to use it for the things it actually helps with#because we still associate the fucking thinking traps and shit with being gaslit and told we were being irrational#for thinking very real very dangerous situations were in fact real and dangerous to us#having to admit that CBT helped with something feels like when you finally take the advice about going outside and hydrating more#and eating better and gratitude journaling and realise you do actually feel better and have to admit the advice does help#after years of feeling like you're being dismissed because people keep telling you to do those things when you talk about being depressed#like okay yeah it did actually work. when I chose to do it. when I felt ready to#when I wasn't being forced into it by people expecting it to fix every single issue I have despite it only helping in very specific ways#anyway I wonder how much quicker we'd have learn healthy coping mechanisms if people hadn't treated various shit like cure-alls#and had said ''hey this will help with this specific thing in this way which will make these other things more manageable'' instead
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There are few things worse, I think, than reading a call to action memoir that is so close to right but really should have been shelved for at least 5yrs before going to print so the author has time to learn enough to see all the false equivalencies that really hinder the point
#personal;#yeah fatphobia is bad but dont you dare act like people aren't asking disabled people to medically alter themselves every day???#you compare bariatric and gender affirming surgeries in such a way that makes the latter sound easy to get??#and in fact don't at ALL go into the struggles for transition care except for a nod at FL while comparing us (trans people)#to fat people like our lives are Much Easier instead of /oppressed by the same white colonial structures that enforce fatphobia/#but go off i guess#i was giving a lot of leeway when i was just side eyeing the comparisons with racism bc i'm not fat and i've not experienced enough racism#to say either way on those#but the MOMENT she started using trans and disabled comparisons i about lost it#and also randomly started calling it antisemitic (sure as much as it's violnt to all poc) in the last chapter with nothing supporting it#like you can tell it was written over the course of the last like 2 maybe 3 years without enough space to breathe#i have listened to a book on writing memoir so often i've got some of it all but memorized#and i agree that if it's more recent than a decade you're probably too close to be writing it#and this author's writing mostly about during pandemic times. this is more a journal and call to action than memoir#but its not polished enough to be a proper call to action bc there's not much it gives you to do other than 'stop dieting & dare to be fat'#which isn't an effective call to action when only those most harmed by fatphobia can act on it you know???#lots of complaints#3/10#edit: reiterting that i'm not saying it'#*it's not anti-semitic; just that a good published work of this kind doesn't make last second claims and certainly not ones#they haven't already explicitly supported in the text#i feel the need to clarify with the very very vocal rise of anti semitism esp in the left#like yes there are anti-Semitic ties. she didn't name them. just said 'they exist lol' and this went to print#great study in poor research slipping onto shelves bc topic matter is relevant
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mmm.
#I think I need to make a burner blog to vent on bc im getting too reluctant and paranoid to share some stuff on here#but I need to vent somewhere bc verbalising it helps me work thru it and doing it in a physical journal doesn't always suit me#I'm just. man whatever I start work in 8 mins and I dont want to carry this through the working day#I'll cry and figure it out when I get home.. t-minus 9.5 hours lets go#.diaries
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Are we journaling for our mental health? To stretch our personal writing muscles? or for a secret third thing??? (brain exorcism)
#ramblings of a lunatic#idk why the post is underlining brain exorcism. that's strange#anyway i feel like my presence on my own blog (MY OWN HOUSE!!!) has just gradually receeded more and more the past few months#I've posted and i rb plenty but i feel like I'm Speaking less. if that makes sense#I'm obviously not going to make 'posting more' a new years resolution or anything good god. no#but also ...this is my house like i said. ok i do actually have my own living place these days but this is my little digital house#I've been saying this for uh. months now but god i need to post art again even in a big ugly sketchdump I'm so backed up it's criminal#the journaling session mentioned above got me thinking about. yknow. The Horrors again#thinking about what i actually long term want out of things and how i feel about myself and my art#nothing profound nothing concrete. just got me thinking#wish i coulf start on the radical journey of rediscovery asp but unfortunately i have college essay due in. days
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game wants my email to play, i give it my email. i don't play game, because it was kind of eh anyway. they send me emails, because i gave them my email. i ignore them. they send me more emails. i ignore them. they send me email with a subject title that is essentially 'hey free stuff !!!!'. i boot up game. game wants to update. i know this takes forever so i do other stuff in the meantime. it doesn't finish updating for 3 hours. my computer is lagging. my music is bugging. my stylus is trying to fake another death. it's finally done updating !! i hit 'play'. loading screen for 30+ minutes and i can't listen to my music now because i don't have the option to turn off game's music on the loading screen. my everything is so slow. so so slow. but also.. despite all this................. free stuff.........
#just me hi#not only is this game overwhelming + confusing + boring but it doesn't even run well on my computer lol#can you guess what game it is. can you guess hfvsh#i'll tell you#if you guessed g3nsh1n 1mpact you were Right hfbvhsf#i wanted to try it cuz i love poking my nose into everything in open world games but ohouahgggauhgh#it's not my vibe lol#and i could leave it at that really... but also there's this sunk cost fallacy i've got going on where it's like Okay man. but we've spent#SO much time just Updating it. andalsothefreestuff#and because i don't really even play this game i don't even know what stuff i'm collecting lmao !! i just like having it :3#they gave me gambling tokens last time i think. very cool#i spent them all immediately and got a neat bow out of it ! aand then i almost immediately logged out fhsdvb#i dunno i don't really get shoving everything at you as soon as you start. like do i really have to have these little journal things Now ?#idk and i don't really care to know so! i will keep collecting my stuffs lol :>#//anyway in other gamey news i think i'm pretty okay at othello lol !!#this is not a very recent revelation but i had never played before + made my mother question what was even happening so i'm kind of proud o#that hfhvsfvh :3#+ also i am Going to try and hurry along with my minecraft lighthouse ! this is going to take a while#the plan is to make a rather small one first cuz i want to build one with my brother#but i want ot be sure i know what we're doing so !! :>>#//anyway happy advent or whatever is going down or up and toodles until...... .o.
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