#i'm going to my sister's graduation

[its-yashas-strong-arms]

so i threw a fairly substantial amount of money at a gorgeous tv stand that is the first really nice, non-ikea, solid wooden furniture i have ever owned and i can't wait for it to get here, but i know my sister is going to judge me for it because i could've gotten a cheap lightweight ikea stand for less than half the price and it's decadent

[dandyshucks]

i am freeeeeeeee [collapses into a pile of dust]

[eggmeralda]

do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option

[murderballadeer]

i'm not gonna lie guys i kind of really want to get a phd in anthropology 😣

[latejulys]

someone just commented on my physical appearance UNPROMPTED????

[allyouzombies]

my sister, my parents, my friends tell me I was cheated, having to do all but my first semester of grad school during covid, and that I graduated supposedly more employable into the clusterfuck of may 2021. usually I feel resigned to it at much as anyone else does to the first few years of the pandemic. it sucked and everyone was numb.

but sometimes, like when I see happy pictures of friends and family who got their masters and phds pre-pandemic, carrying diploma covers and in the ugly robes with their most loved surrounding them in celebration, I do feel pretty fucking bitter. it does make me feel cheated that my sister and I were first generation college students, graduate students, and my sister an entire fucking doctor of her field, and we didn't get to have our families or anyone celebrate at our schools. nobody traveled out to Iowa because I told them not to, and I didn't go to my own graduation when that kind of ritual means a lot to me, and I didn't buy or rent robes or a cap or a tassel, and I didn't walk anywhere or commemorate the day. what I did was post to my instagram story once I submitted my final project, and I bought a departmental cardigan, and as a member of the LIS student org exec board, I drove all over the county delivering cardigans to others. my family and friends and J were still proud, and I was happy with myself, but yes! yes I did get cheated!

[granitxhka]

my first day of school is tomorrow AH!

[eskawrites]

tell me why i'm having late night emotional thoughts about cfdau holly wheeler of all people

[findmeinthefallair]

Ok Loz.....get it together. Flight is in 24 days.

Got stuff to check off the list e.g. giving myself a haircut.

There's probably gonna be a heatwave there, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ even if the temperature range isn't gonna be an escape from the constant tropics heat over here, there'll be a change of visual scenery. I will see some nice little streams and trees

Lol it'll be way easier to pretend I'm in The Owl House.

[kurokoros]

I've realized I need to stop comparing myself to my sister in terms of how put together our lives are. like, she graduated from college last month and got a job right out of school... at the company our dad has been working at for the last ~15 years. and now she and her boyfriend are buying a house together... and it's our childhood home that our dad is selling because he's moving into a farmhouse he renovated with his new wife.

[bloomingbluebell]

i hate that people seem to value my potential worth with a bachelor's degree ("you'll make more money!" as if my degree program isn't one of the least useful degrees if you're not going into med school) over my mental health. as if monthly OCD-induced and autistic meltdowns aren't bad enough.

it's not like i'm a semester or two away from graduating. i have a couple YEARS left. i'm still technically in my third year in my degree. i can only manage 3 courses at the very most and any more causes me to burn out and my executive dysfunction plummets

[smol-blue-bird]

boy do I love unannounced socializing with strangers for my sister's benefit!

[sweetenby]

my toxic trait as a dnd is player is that I'm obsessed with making fantasy communities and if you leave me alone with my thoughts for too long I'll turn my characters simple backstory into a whole fucking town that has its own history and culture and then walk up to my dm and be like 🥺 "Can you put this in your world please?" 🥺

[giantkillerjack]

"Oh, Jack. You silly boi. You know that help at the top of the stairs is no help at all."

---

Art piece i may delete later about my parents offering money to me and my sisters to pay for either grad school (a thing I don't want and can't do with my disability) or my wedding (also a thing I don't need/want), but not for anything that would actually help me escape poverty and find stable housing and income.

Like, I recognize the privilege of being able to complain that my parents have offered me a bunch of money but in the wrong way.

But also if that money is on top of a flight of stairs that I can't climb (but my sisters can), then I haven't really been offered money, so much as I have watched money I need be placed somewhere I can't reach it. Which tbh feels worse than if it was never mentioned to me in the first place.

I was gonna send this art to them and i wrote this big long message to go with it, but then I decided to wait until my therapy session on Tuesday to talk it thru with her first, since I've literally never regretted doing that.

Besides, both of my parents are lawyers and right now they're providing me and my friends with a lot of free legal advice about this property we're trying to buy together, so I don't want to rock the boat currently.

I just wish I knew if I had access to that money as a poor person in need of stable housing and quality disability care, and I wish my parents weren't world-class hLepers who have a long and triggering history of engaging me in rigorous debate about the kind of help I should be allowed to receive from them as a disabled person.

Nothing like having to provide an argument that would hold up in court every time I'm sick and need help! Love that! Love that I can't even talk about money with them now without having invasive thoughts about it for days to come due to past incidences in which this repeated behavior of theirs literally endangered my life!!

Not like I need that mental capacity for working on the largest and most exciting opportunity of my life that also happens to line up with my hopes and dreams for the future!! It's fine!! What do I even need mental capacity for anyway?????

This wouldn't even be the first time this little Distrust Fund has caused problems for my relationship with my parents. They are very opposed to that money being used to help my disability and it has caused PROBLEMS for us that we have never quite recovered from.

It's just difficult to be reminded that although our relationship has gotten better (mostly thanks to me setting boundaries), that doesn't mean they now actually believe what I need for my disability when I tell them.

They really do love me, and they have only ever acted with the best of intentions . But good intentions cease to matter when the impact is harmful and repeated. And they have proven to be repeatedly incapable of providing non-ableist support for me again and again and again. They've even genuinely tried to learn; and sometimes it really seems like my mom has made progress with her therapist (who is disabled), but who knows when I can so jarringly be reminded of how quickly that toxic ableist thinking can show its ugly face.

It's so clear to me and they don't even know it's there.

It feels like I'm in a horror movie when I try to get them to understand their own ableism, and that is a good good sign that I may want to consider an approach that minimizes my mental damage instead. Even if it means I don't get their stupid, deeply-conditional-and-yet-the-conditions-are-SO-vague-and-they-won't-admit-it money.

[aberooski]

I honestly wish my birthday wasn't in 2 weeks. I always get really depressed around my birthday.

[its-yashas-strong-arms]

had to buy a new bra bc the old one finally gave out :( so returned some pants I got last month to the store to cover the cost. improvise adapt overcome i just gotta survive until december