#i'm going to have the be carried there I don't think I can walk
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I'll be damned if I said I understood this series, but I'll throw something in about what Kanba sharing the apple with Shoma means. As stated, this series is very much about love.
Now I ask you, what love is there in a world that puts continuous prices on human lives, as Sanetoshi and private health insurance do throughout the show? What love is there in a cult?
In short, I think the apple is a collective love.
We're often raised with the notion of "Blood is thicker than water." But really, it's "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." What it means is, the connections you choose to forge say more about you than the ones into which you were born. But it's also more complex than that. What you're born into shapes who you are and even what choices you make. Oftentimes, people who were abused as children will go on to abuse other people. And yet there are also many people who were raised with loving families who still go on to commit terrible things, and there exist many who are the inverse, people who were raised by terrible parents who still choose to do good. It's both true that we are molded by our surroundings, but we still make choices at our own will (if we ignore the extortion and violence of poverty).
We love to say "Disturb the comforted, comfort the disturbed," but the truth is we are all mixes of it. I'm NB but I was still raised a dude. I had to work out a lot of what I had been taught. And while I never physically harmed anyone, I still feel some dread and culpability hearing what women go through. As sympathetic and understanding as I am, I'm not beyond reproach. I "get it" from an outsider's perspective. I can still relate to anyone regardless of category, but I also must keep in mind how different experiences can be. I was still raised with the comfort of not being sexualized as a child, as little girls often are (obviously boys still face SV, I'm just saying that the experience isn't the same). I still get disturbed in a particular way when I watch something like Revolutionary Girl Utena or Moral Orel, because these are things I don't personally face. Even though I don't commit terrible acts like Akio and the residents of Moralton, I still have to confront these things in order to participate in its dismantling. I still have to reach out. The sacrifice is my comfort and previous understanding in order to grow as a person and help and understand others.
There's a fundamental contradiction to the human condition. The Takakura parents were seemingly normal and almost texbookly loving, and yet they were part of the Kiga group, and Kenzan went on to commit an act of terror.
This "comfort" I had, the "privilege" of more than likely not facing SV if I were to take a walk out at night, also comes at a "price": I had to conform to the ideas of "boy" and "man" which did nothing but stifle me.
I think the apple represents unconditional love, a Tolstoyan love, one not bound by personal biases. Tabuki had to conform to his mother's idea of talent, intelligence, while Yuri had to conform to her father's idea of beauty. But of course, these are all impossible standards set upon fluid, abstract concepts. They are inherently inhuman ideals born not from a love of humanity but the exaltation of a non-existent archetype, of a past that never existed, hence the dealing with the economic crisis.
Sanetoshi doesn't hold a gun to Kanba's head but he still extorts him to do his bidding, to carry out another cycle of violence for a fiery cleansing of the world. Sanetoshi permits Himari to live not because she is human, but because someone is willing to work for him in exchange. No one in this society is given that unconditional love. The condition is you must conform to the cogs which make the system turn.
Kanba asked nothing of Shoma when he split the apple and handed the other half to him.
A child is born with no state of mind Blind to the ways of mankind God is smilin' on you but he's frownin' too Because only God knows what you'll go through You'll grow in the ghetto livin' second-rate And your eyes will sing a song of deep hate The places you play and where you stay Looks like one great big alleyway You'll admire all the number-book takers Thugs, pimps and pushers and the big money-makers ---The Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five
For as self-centered as children are due to their very nature, they're still purer, in a sense, than most adults. I've always had anger problems due to the environment in which I was raised, but people still call me empathetic and caring, because I still make that effort. Kanba made a grand gesture by offering Shoma the apple. It shows he cares. And there was no condition to it. Kanba asked for nothing in exchange. He saw a human being in need of help like him, and when he was blessed, he decided to share. As horse-girl-anthy writes, Kanba would later go on to resent Shoma due to the fact Shoma had such a loving family and yet Shoma disowned his parents upon learning of their original sin. Kanba, the orphan taken into the Takakura family, resented how Shoma disowned them because he saw it as ungrateful and selfish because Shoma possessed that of which Kanba had been dispossessed. For as illogical as it is, you and I can't fully blame him. We understand where he's coming from in spite of the Walter White of it all with his trapping and strapping.
There are many differences between them as little children and as we find them as teenagers in the show, but one of the main differences is that neither one of them had been shaped by society yet. That's why Shoma leant a hand to Himari, why Momoka leant a hand to Tabuki. We're told we're inherently selfish and cruel. I'd say humans aren't any one thing, neither inherently good nor evil. To subscribe to any essentialism is to erase any collective responsibility we have about the world and for each other.
I still have trouble understanding the sins of the father current of the series, but I think the ultimate punishment in life is how finite our existences are.
"Whenever I start thinking of my love for a person, I am in the habit of immediately drawing radii from my love - from my heart, from the tender nucleus of a personal matter- to monstrously remote points of the universe. Something impels me to measure the consciousness of my love against such unimaginable and incalculable things as the behaviour of nebulae (whose very remoteness seems a form of insanity), the dreadful pitfalls of eternity, the unknowledgeable beyond the unknown, the helplessness, the cold, the sickening involutions and interpenetrations of space and time." ---Vladimir Nabokov Speak, Memory
No matter what we do, we'll die. Death is the one guarantee in life. The greatest irony of life is the intensity with which we love, with which we burn, and yet it will all turn to vapors and disappear. We construct things like God in order to give our suffering meaning. But we also imbue God with our authority. God oftentimes becomes a thought-terminating cliche and ad hoc justification. But atheists also have similar mental workings, hence why the atheist movement in the U.S became reactionary after 9/11.
For as much as Sanetoshi talks about the cruelty of the world, for as right as he is to bemoan businessmen and the cogs of society, he is not a solution in himself. Atheists have a point in criticizing Christians and Christianity, but they fall into the same trappings. The Christian man says women belong in the kitchen because God decreed it so. The atheist says women belong in the kitchen because she has a womb. Both, in spite of their seeming opposition, believe in capitalism and complimentarianism and other institutions.
I think this is why Kanba ended up going Kiga rather than Shoma. You'd expect the biological son whose parents participated in the original incident to go that route, but no, it was Kanba. Everyone is fighting against the cruelty of the world and life itself. The core struggle is finding meaning and love. But we all suffer the collective punishment of death, of eventually turning to ash. We just also live in a world filled with inequality and alienation.
Shoma felt responsible, because as a descendant he kind of is. What his parents did is his cross to bear. But he's the one who made Himari a Takakura. The Penguindrum ended up being the siblings' bond. This means what they had to sacrifice in order to keep Himari alive was the end of their bond. And yet in spite of that, in spite of the fact that they no longer know each other, a remnant remains, a spirit of their love. That's why the stuffed animal remains. The sacrifice was hard and unideal, but Kanba and Shoma truly cared for Himari. The true test, the true exhibition of their love, of their sharing of the apple, was sacrificing their bond in order to give her a normal life. There is no exchange there. There is no reward. They wanted to lift the curse of their parents and paid the price. And yet even in that do-over, Himari feels the spirit of that love, hence why she cries.
She feels love beyond a death she knows nothing about, a love that transcends space and time. That's the pure love we all seek. Kanba sharing the apple was the start of this. I think that's why that scene isn't revealed until so close to the end. It's meant to be paralleled.
I hope I made sense, My mind has been sloshing with this series, so I hope I managed to give my thoughts some sensical form.
Night on the Galactic Railroad, or the Apple, the Scorpion, and the Stars
From a series on Mawaru Penguindrum’s literary influences.
This place is cursed with spoilers.
Night on the Galactic Railroad (1927) is a novella by Kenji Miyazawa. It takes place in the fictional fairy tale country resembling Italy. There, on the night of the annual Centuarus Festival, two boys, Giovanni and Campanella, are whisked away on the titular Galactic Railroad to tour the heavens. While on this journey, they confront the nature of human connection, transience, and sacrifice. At the end of the story, Giovanni and Campanella part ways. Campanella was on the train because he drowned during the festival and was on his way to the afterlife, while Giovanni, still alive, was allowed on the journey with his friend.
Mawaru Penguindrum specifically seems to be influenced by the 1985 anime adaptation directed by Gisaburo Sugii. It’s a faithful adaptation, but it plays up the story’s somber parts. The darkness at Penguindrum’s core seems borrowed from this version of the story rather than the original. Shouma and Kanba resemble Giovanni and Campanella as realized in this version.
Giovanni (right) and Campanella (left) on the Galactic Railroad.
Like Giovanni, Shouma is associated with the color blue and has a sensitive, demure personality. Like Campanella, Kanba is associated with red and is determined, distant, but ultimately devoted to his friends. Unlike NotGR, however, Shouma and Kanba depart together at the end. It seems to me as if Ikuhara has dwelt on the sadness of Giovanni and Campanella’s parting at the end of the original story and, in Penguindrum, created a version where they could be together in the end. Penguindrum also explicitly references Kenji Miyazawa in its first and last scenes. Near the beginning of the first episode, a pair of children are walking out side the Takakura’s home discussing what the apple means in NotGR. You can tell because they mention Campanella and someone named Kenji - the novella’s author Kenji Miyazawa. This exact conversation repeats in the final moments of the last episode, but this time the boys have Shouma and Kanba’s hair colors and the audience follows them as they keep walking into the stars.
THE SCORPION FIRE
Night on the Galactic Railroad also contains the explanation for that scorpion metaphor! A lot of people get stuck on this - Kanba is referred to as a scorpion several times throughout Penguindrum, and allusions are made to him burning up. This is actually direct reference to NotGR, where the story of the burning scorpion exists as a fable told to the main characters as they’re on the train. You can see it in this clip:
“"My father told me its story: A long time ago in a field there lived a scorpion that ate other bugs by using its tale to catch them. Then one day he found himself cornered by a weasel. Fearing for his life, he ran but could not escape it. Suddenly, he fell into a well and, unable to climb out, began to drown. He started to pray then, saying:
”‘Oh, God. How many lives have I stolen to survive? Yet when it came my turn to be eaten by the weasel, I selfishly ran away. And for what? What a waste my life has been! If only I’d let the weasel eat me, I could have helped him live another day. God, please hear my prayer. Even if my life has been meaningless, let my death be of help to others. Burn my body so that it may become a beacon, to light the way for others as they search for true happiness.’
“The scorpion’s prayer was answered, and his body became a beautiful crimson flame that shot up into the night sky. There he burns to this day. My father was telling the truth…”
From Night on the Galactic Railroad, translation by Julianne Neville.
The fable of the scorpion fire is about sacrifice. The scorpion, who lived his life as a foul predator, faces something more powerful than him - the inevitability of death - and regrets that, after a life of heedless consumption, he couldn’t die in a way that aided the proliferation of life. The gods hear his prayers and set him on fire, turning him into the red star Antares, heart of the constellation scorpio, whose light aids life.
From episode 12. Kanba offers his life to the Princess of the Crystal’s in exchange for Himari’s and, due to the purity of his sacrifice, it is acceptable. Unlike later on in the series, here Kanba is exhibiting the true nature of sacrifice.
This fable gives insight into Kanba’s motivations but not his actions. While the scorpion discovers his kinship with all life, Kanba is rushing headlong towards a sacrifice that nobody wants but him. Kanba views himself as a predator and wants his final, massive act of predation - the terrorist attack - to lead to some concrete good: extending Himari’s life. His role as a man of action rather than a man of reflection (Shouma) binds him to Sanetoshi’s will, which offers a convenient means of achieving his goal. But those outs don’t exist in the real world, and these justifications can’t be made ahead of time. Shouma knew this and Kanba should have known. Maybe that’s why it’s Shouma, the brother with a more intuitive understanding of sacrifice, who bursts into flames and not Kanba, who fades away. Kanba’s identification with the scorpion represents misguided, emotionally selfish sacrifice - egoism - while Shouma, Ringo, and Momoka’s association with the purer flame represents true, transcendent sacrifice.
From episode 24. Ringo casting the spell (“Let’s share the fruit of fate!”) and subjecting herself to the scorpion fire.
THE APPLE
There’s a scene late in the novella where Giovanni and Campanella encounter some people who died on the Titanic. The trio consists of two children and their governor, who allowed them all to die to make room for more people on the lifeboat. These people tell Giovanni and Campanella about the scorpion fire, and this is also where apples come into play. A lighthouse keeper, traveling down the train, gives them some apples, which they disperse amongst themselves. The film actually makes it so that the flocks of birds that they see flying outside the windows turn into the apples - something that wasn’t present in the original story. Apples as a metaphor for live sacrificing itself for the sustenance of more life seems to originate here, since that wasn’t tied to the apples in the original story.
Christianity, apples symbolize knowledge and defilement. NotGR however, reclaims that image. Here, they represent people understanding their limitations as individuals and accepting community - and the necessity of making sacrifices for humanity’s greater good - as a way to make up for their flaws. NotGR stresses over and over again that people value humanity or some abstract conception of “life” over themselves, and that this path leads to profound spiritual contentment. Penguindrum borrows this idea and the apple symbolism wholeheartedly, but emphasizes valuing one’s interpersonal relationships as a proxy for loving all life.
From episode 20. Himari reinterprets the biblical Fall of Man as a good thing because it allowed humanity to experience connection and joy, however transient, alongside pain.
One of the biggest mysteries left in Penguindrum to me is what Kanba sharing the apple with Shouma represents. I know what happened between Shouma/Himari and Kanba/Himari. Shouma brought the abandoned Himari into his family and Himari brought Kanba into the family after his father’s death. But what happened between Kanba and Shouma? How did Kanba have to save Shouma by sharing his fruit of fate? It’s left purely abstract - Shouma and Kanba were starving, Kanba shared his fruit, and both were saved by the gesture. Maybe Kanba helped Shouma by being assertive and dedicated in situations where he wasn’t naturally inclined towards that? Like Giovanni and Campanella, Kanba and Shouma have complementary existences. Giovanni couldn’t exist on his own without adopting some of Campanella’s traits, while Kanba and Shouma, although they acquiesce to each other a bit, ultimately reaffirm their paired existence. I opened this up to discussion with some people on twitter and Bryan Baxter suggested that the two boxes Kanba and Shouma are in during episodes 23 and 24 are their mothers’ wombs, and that by sharing the fruit of fate they became spiritual twins (they were born on the same day). Yoni Linder suggested that Kanba helped Shouma survive the KIGA group’s brainwashing when they were children. It is odd that Shouma, the Takakura actually born into the cult, is the one least susceptible to it.
The idea that there’s something beyond what we consider life is central to NotGR, which uses Christian imagery and often seems overtly Christian in its themes. Kenji Miyazawa was a devout practitioner of Nichiren Buddhism, but like many Japanese people his life was saturated with Christian imagery and scraps of biblical scripture. Christianity exists and is portrayed positively in NotGR, but neither Giovanni nor Campanella seem to be practitioners. When Giovanni and the children get into an argument over whose god is “real,” the tutor reconciles them by raising the possibility that their gods are one and the same and reminding them that the point of religion is true faith in what you believe. NotGR is thus a neutral but positive synthesis of Christian and Buddhist images towards a more generically humanist message.
“"And who says he’s the real God? I’ll be he’s a fake!”
“How would you know? Maybe the God you believe in is the fake.”
“No! He’s the real one!”
“Then tell me, what kind of God is your God?” asked the young man with a gentle smile.
“Well… to be honest, I’m not quite sure… but I do know he is the one true God,” Giovanni replied.
“Of course he is. There’s only one true God.“
"And my God is that one!”
“I agree. I can only pray that the two of you are seeing us off before that true God now,” the young man said, clasping his hands together. Kaoru also clasped her hands together.
Everyone was sad to be parting, and Giovanni was about to burst into tears.“
From Night on the Galactic Railroad, translation by Julianne Neville.
Over time, it becomes clearer and clearer that one of the railroad’s purposes is to deliver people to the afterlife, two of which are represented by giant glowing crosses. "Dying for love” thus means something more concrete in NotGR than it does in Penguindrum. There’s an actual reward for doing it - entrance into heaven. The same isn’t true in Penguindrum, where the existence of an afterlife is much more abstract. Sanetoshi and Momoka were humans with some supernatural powers who died and became ghosts, but that form of afterlife seems much more a curse than a reward. In the last episode, Momoka vanishes from this world for good through some sort of opening, but exactly where she goes is unknown. Penguindrum’s final shot is of Shouma and Kanba, having died for love, walking into the stars. While characters do allude to god, the show as a whole seems nonreligious, more concerned with taking the aspects of stories it deems meaningful and applying them towards a new, secular humanist message. Here, god is synonymous with fate, chance, or destiny - the circumstances outside human control that one is subjected to and dictate life. So what is Kenji saying? I think he’s saying that humanity’s survival up to this point has been due to our ability to love each other, to willingly sacrifice for the greater good, and that this is the foundation for human existence. That's where everything really begins.
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thinking about viktor with a chronically ill reader. you know? we see the vision, right?
it just works.
the thing with chronic pain, illnesses, disabilities, all of that - is that you can't always see them. sometimes you can, sure, you can see the mobility aids and the not-standing-up-for-too-long and the bruising from blood draws and sometimes you can see the compression garments, the pills and inhalers and the i'm fine, i just need a moment-
but most people just don't pay attention to that. or if they do, they don't put the pieces together fast enough to figure out what's really going on under the surface. viktor does, though; he's been there, and most of the time he's way beyond hiding it. or, well, he's way beyond hiding some of it.
walking with a cane was like carrying a neon sign that said yes there is something different here. yes i can't walk the way you can. no it's not going to get better. that last part wasn't directly evident just from him using a cane, sure, but with the way his cane looked, it should've been pretty clear. He had used one practically forever and it had evolved with him, he'd made it as comfortable to use as it could be, had even made it match his uniform.
so yeah. viktor knew what it was like. he'd been the disabled kid forever, even if some of the others were never going to say it out loud. that was just a thing about him, and he knew how hard it could be to navigate something like that in an academic environment. it was hard to admit you couldn't do something, that you had to sit down, that you needed a moment. that sometimes your body was just falling apart for no particular reason and it was just another tuesday.
sometimes it was easier to sit with the pain than take medication in the middle of a meeting, knowing that someone would make a bigger deal out of it than it had to be, even if it was just raising their eyebrows meaningfully. they'd think about you differently afterwards.
he could see you push through it, and he didn't blame you, really, he did that himself, too, but - he didn't want you to hurt yourself. you hadn't been in the lab as long as he had, so he could understand you being a little cautious with how you acted and what you told people, but he didn't want you to feel like you had to put on a show for him. he was, after all, walking around with the equivalent of a light-up sign of i'm disabled, too, and he liked to think of himself as someone who wouldn't come off as judgemental about stuff like that. other stuff, sure, stupid stuff, but not that.
so when he sees you dealing with the telltale signs of being in pain, he conveniently sends jayce and the others to pick up some parts that would take a while to collect and that they wouldn't actually need until the next day. but better prepared, right? what's the harm.
and then he comes to sit next to you and sighs deeply. leans back. relaxes to the best of his abilities. asks if you're alright, and sounds like he already knows the answer.
you sigh too, shift your position, and answer with it's fine. and viktor recognizes the strain in your voice, in your posture, and he knows there's a key difference between this and i'm fine, but he'll take it. it's not what he'd like, but he'll take it.
he leans over to dig around his belongings, and then offers you a bag of candied almonds.
"if you're going to take pain killers, it's better if you eat something first," he says, and you just stare at him. "i assume you haven't taken anything yet. nothing strong enough, at least," he continues, casually, and you take a deep breath and accept the almonds.
he smiles. continues like this is totally normal. "jayce made me start carrying around some food so i could do that. for myself, i mean. but it doesn't hurt to have some snacks around either way, i suppose."
he knows he's skirting around the real topic of the conversation, but he also knows that sometimes people get uncomfortable around his bluntness, and you hadn't exactly told him you were in pain, so he'd understand it if you were a little weirded out. after all, most people didn't notice this stuff. but you haven't run away from him, and you're eating, and then you're digging around your own bag to take your medication, so he'll count this as a win.
thanks, you exhale, handing back the almonds, and he takes a handful of them himself.
"i'm fine, really," you continue, not really looking at him, "it's just hard sometimes."
he nods. it was - even if he didn't know the specifics, he knew that it was true. especially since you had been hiding it from the others. and with something like that, something the others couldn't see, the invisible step to let them see it would grow bigger and bigger with time, when they expected you to be able to do everything they did without a second thought.
he also knows you didn't mean fine in the dictionary definition sense of the word, but more in the this is normal and you don't need to worry -sense. and that's fine. he was used to functioning on different parameters than most people, so this version of fine was good enough.
my body just isn't always very reliable, you explain with a sigh, and that he knows better than well.
he hmms in answer and nods. he knows.
you exhale a small laugh at that.
and he's glad you're relaxing, wants you to be as comfortable here as possible.
"these people are alright," he says casually, "as far as healthy people go."
viktor smiles a little.
another win for him.
and then he sits with you, talking and not talking and enjoying the quiet comfort if it all. and then he makes up some excuse so you don't have to keep working yet. he was well aware what it was like trying to work through the pain, waiting for the medication to kick in, and he wouldn't exactly recommend it. besides, as a rule, you were more likely to make mistakes if you were thinking through a layer of pain, and that was just plain bad planning. it made much more sense to just take a break and continue when you felt better. in fact, he was in dire need of a caramel latte and a pastry right now, do you want anything?
and after that it just... sort of falls into place. you're more relaxed around him. and the others, too, but he's the only one that really gets it. doesn’t make a whole thing out of it when you need to sit down for a moment or take a break while your pain killers kick in. he's just there.
he knows what it's like, and that feels like an invisble curtain lifted from between you and him, and it's just easy. you don't have to pretend you're doing better than you actually are and he doesn’t hide it when he's in pain, either.
most people don't see it, but there's a mutual understanding there; yeah, sometimes life sucks and sometimes you're in pain and no it's not fair that sometimes your body is falling apart and life just keeps going. you can't do all the things you want to do but you still have to show up for the other life-stuff and if you took a day off every time you felt bad you would never get anything done and it just never stops.
but sometimes there's someone who'll sit through it with you without judgement. offer a warm drink and a snack and some understanding.
#scribbles#yes i did write this while waiting for my pain killers to kick in what about it#it works. you know i'm right#viktor arcane x reader#viktor x reader#viktor arcane
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I'm not sure exactly which day counts as "weekend" bc of cultural differences lol but you can ignore this if it's not on the permitted day!!
But for the brief Rollo x reader thing that's you're doing, can I please have something with him and a reader that is generally very tactile? One day they grab his hand to pull him somewhere as they absentmindedly ramble, and they don't realize it until he speaks up about it (or not....? <w<)
hii anon!! ofc this is a very cute request
*ੈ✩‧₊˚ cold hands
type of post: short fic characters: rollo additional info: platonic or romantic, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu
Winter in Fleur City is as unkind as it is beautiful.
Autumn's colorful embrace was short and sweet, giving you but three weeks of cozy, lukewarm mornings before the trees were bare and bending in the breeze that carried along the Soleil.
The first snow of the winter season had completely frozen over the river.
It had also kissed everything in frost, blanketed the streets, and canceled classes at Noble Bell College for the morning. It was heavy and restless.
It became no wonder to you that the people of Fleur City were eager to put up their tinsel and candles. The smell of cinnamon and pine is an effective distraction from the icy wind, after all.
And so, without classes to attend to, you find yourself walking through the city on crushed snow, already muddy with boot prints and animal hooves, to a seasonal cafe which had just opened.
Oh, and the Student Council President has offered to escort you.
It's, apparently, quite an ordeal; the few Noble Bell students you pass by in the streets stop mid-snowball fight or nearly drop their to-go coffees from their mittens when they see you, bundled up in Rollo Flamme's scarf, walking hand-in-hand.
You honestly hadn't even noticed you had grabbed him. It had been somewhat of an impulse, your cold, undressed hands feeling out for something to hold.
And usually, that would have been a quill, or one of those artisanal wooden blocks this city so loves, just something to run your thumb over while you think, not the Student Council President's hand.
But he doesn't say anything, and, more presently, doesn't pull away.
"You really ought to have dressed warmer," Rollo says, fussing over the scarf he'd given you off his own neck. "You'll catch something, and missing class over a frivolous venture such as is unacceptable."
"I suppose I didn't think of it,"
"Then next time," he says. "I don't know what I would do with myself if you were ill. It's the busiest time of year."
Right. Finals are coming up.
"I won't do it again,"
He sighs. "I know. Now, come along. Morning classes may have been dismissed, quite unnecessarily, I might say, but we'll both be expected on campus at noon,"
His hand tightens around yours, and his pace becomes brisker, cutting through the myriad of tourists and laughing children and pigeons. He shields you from the falling snow and blistering wind, holding you behind him until you reach the cafe.
It's bustling and loud inside, busier than the annual cafes you're used to visiting, but Rollo somehow has you in and out with a warm drink and a pastry in no more than five minutes.
You have the treat outside, your hands already cracked from the dry cold in the air, and once you've finished he slips his hand into yours and begins walking again.
There's not much conversation. Rollo is a strange man; some days, he's happy to talk about the history of Fleur City or what he's studying in Noble Bell's prestigious law class, and some days he's like this. Quiet.
His hand is surprisingly warm, though, despite the cold he seems to maintain a high body temperature all on his own. He runs a thumb over the back of your hand, feeling the dry skin there.
"You're freezing,"
"I'm okay,"
"Honesty is a virtue," he snaps, his sharp way of reminding you that he can always tell when you're lying, and he doesn't like it.
"You'll catch your death of cold. And then what would I do?"
For a fleeting moment, you can swear he gets a little warmer; or, at least, his hand does. You must be imagining things.
The silence lingers like the cold in the air, but, finally, he gets you to start talking about your favorite class subject, which you do until you've reached the gates of the school.
Rollo stops you, bids you an overly formal good-bye, and takes his hand, too, leaving you with the cold.
Hm. He seemed so off today. You wonder what that could be?
You won't realize that you'd been holding his hand all morning until later, but for now, you're content with the mystery and the warm scarf he left on your shoulders.
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To the Hellfire - chapter 3
[Josh Washington x F! Reader]
5.6k words
masterlist - two - three - four
Chapter wrote by @sharkology & @xghostcr0wx
⚠️chapter warnings⚠️
[smut, non-con drugging, angst] MDNI
(smut warnings under the cut)
🔞smut warnings🔞
[switch! josh (mostly dom josh), reader says good boy like once, afab reader, fingering, unprotected sex (don't be silly, wrap your willy), josh is kinda gross (in a hot way), choking, oral fixation, squirting, cumming inside, teasing and taunting, manhandling]
You were right on his trail as he left, his footsteps heavy and loud with frustration and anger. Your timid steps followed behind. You both walked in silence (him mostly just stomping) until he reached the door to his room in the lodge. He stops for a second, looking at you with a glare. You’ve never seen him get so riled up.
“Enjoy the little show?” He mumbled, turning back to the door and opening it-quickly heading in and sitting on his bed with a loud sigh.
You felt a pang of hurt as he treated you a little harshly, but you understood his tone and why he was acting this way; the whole ouija board was a dumb decision in the first place. It was probably embarrassing to him that you had to see him like that. You enter slowly, shutting the door. You keep the main room light off and walk over to the lamp on his bedside table to turn on the dim light, before sitting next to him and giving him enough space for his comfort.
“Josh..I understand why you’re upset. But, you don’t need to act like this towards me. I’m here to help you. Not to get this cold behavior.” He looks over at you, his face contorted with anger and confusion. But it gradually fades as he lets your words sink in. He looks more like he’s just regretful and sad now at how he was being towards you.
He groans, looking away as he rubs his head anxiously. “I know I know, I’m..I’m sorry [Y/n], I just…I feel like I was getting messed with, ya know? Like..I know how much we love playing tricks on each other, but this feels a little overkill..”
“Yeah, you're right. It doesn't really matter anyway. I'm over it.” Josh deflects but you can clearly tell that it's quite the opposite.
You listen to his words, nodding along. “I don’t think they were messing with you, Josh. Especially knowing how sensitive the topic of your sisters is for you. And, to be frank, messing with ouija boards is not something to treat like a childrens board game. Those things are real, and have scary consequences. Nonetheless being on Native American grounds. This is why I was so against it, because I knew something like this would happen.” Josh just looks down to the ground, his expression looking like he has a lot on his mind. Like he was getting ready to say or do something. After what feels like an eternity, Josh speaks up.
“Josh, you don't have to pretend to be fine. I would be just as upset if I were in your shoes. If anything, I wouldn't be able to carry myself as well as you do.” You assure him and put a hand on his warm back. Josh's gaze is still on the ground and the room falls silent for a second. You can tell Josh is looking for the right words to say.
“Thank you, [Y/n]. I appreciate it, I really do.. No one's ever-” Josh’s mouth slightly hangs open as he tries to find his words. “I just don't want to think about it right now. I just don't want to think at all right now.” He admits, rubbing his temples with one hand. You watch, silently. Chewing your bottom lip anxiously as you two sit there in awkward silence.
You knew Josh was going through a lot right now, and you could only imagine what was going on inside his head. You knew you couldn't do much to ease his pain, but the most you could do was be there for him. Over the months you've known Josh, you've learned that his biggest working coping mechanism so far is distractions. There were times where he had a shitty day and called you up just to talk, play video games, and distract him from whatever terrible emotion he's feeling. And you're more than happy to do that.
You take a deep breath in and prepare yourself as you firmly take his hands into yours, putting them on each side of your waist, and embracing him into a gentle hug.
“[Y/n]?..” Josh whispers at the side of your head. He was taken aback a bit, but definitely wasn’t opposed to this affectionate action.
“Just, let me do this for you.” You murmur, tightening your grip around his back. “Let me be here for you..” You rest your chin in the crook of his neck, the scent of his cologne filling your nostrils. He sighs, a small smile forming on his lips.
“Thank you.” He whispers. He rests his head against yours, quietly inhaling your scent and hair. His large and rough hands gripping your soft flesh against your clothes. The clothes that he couldn’t help but want to rip off of you the moment his hands were on your waist. The hug lasted longer than just a friendly one, and you knew he noticed that too. There was no questioning it; you both wanted each other in one way or another. The tension filled balloon that's lasted over the 8 months since you met is about to pop.
As the hug continued, Josh tested the waters by lightly rubbing his hands up and down your sides, his grip getting a bit more confident. You began feeling some type of way, getting more bold with the newfound wave of arousal, sexual tension, and energy. Your fingers delicately and playfully travel down from his back, to his chest, and down his semi-toned body in a painfully slow way, making sure to tease him with every soft stroke. You take a gamble by hooking your fingers underneath his pants and boxers, but only on the hem which drove him absolutely mad.
Your thumbs caress his v-line, enhancing the sexual atmosphere. Josh was loving every bit of this, and he started to nuzzle into your neck-leaving light kisses against your warm and soft skin; eventually turning into rough ones with a few bites here and there as your hands began to unbutton his pants while your lips placed hungry kisses against his shoulder.
“Let me take care of you, yeah? I’ll give you something else to think about..” Josh leans away to look you in the eyes, a smirk on his lips as he raises a brow at you.
“Yeah? What did you have in mind, Marbles?” He asked in a lighthearted tone. You smile, a seductive glint in your [e/c] eyes. You firmly push him back against his bed, and start sensually stripping off your sweater and leggings in front of him, leaving you in your skirt and undershirt. After placing yourself in between his thighs, he bit his lip and looked at you with adoration and excitement, ready for whatever you were about to do to him.
Josh bit his lip in anticipation from your words as he looked you up and down. “Oh? Well, I’m all yours to handle~” And with that, you begin to undo his pants further, pulling up his shirt and leaning over to his stomach as you plant kisses of appreciation all over his skin-pulling down his pants in the process. Josh sighs, and his eyelids lower. His heart rate picks up as he watches you, your beautiful figure treating him like his body was the most precious and delicate thing in the world.
“Let’s just say, something I’ve wanted to do for a long, long time.” You reply back, giving him a not so innocent smile.
Once his pants were low enough, you rise a bit and look down at his bulging boxers. He looked absolutely delicious, in this view, just for you. You look up at his lust filled eyes and bring your face closer to his-a soft gasp escaping his lips as you slowly bring his boxers down next. The intense eye contact had his head spinning and he needed to do something with these overwhelming emotions.
He grabbed a fist full of your hair, not too rough though, and crashed his lips onto yours in a heated kiss. You both hungrily consume each other while you take his pulsating and thick cock into your hand and begin to stroke him. Thankfully it was already soaked in precum, making it easier to rub him up and down at the speed you were going.
Through the kiss, you could feel his whole body stutter and tense with pleasure as you continued to stroke him. His hips slightly raised off the bed, chasing for more. You could tell Josh was slowly losing his composure as he started to let out small broken moans, while trying his absolute best to continue the kiss.
“Ngh~ Fuck..” Josh whimpers out as he turns his head away from your intense and lustful gaze, maybe in embarrassment? You didn't expect him to start whimpering and falling apart this early, not that you're complaining, you actually want to keep pulling these delicious sounds from him.
Josh’s neck is exposed to you, so you take the liberty to start kissing it and leave small marks. You slowed the pace of your hand down to a more sensual one while making sure to never stop sucking on his neck. Josh’s senses were going into overdrive and he definitely felt like he was going to cum soon, but he didn't want it to end. This caused his thighs to tense under you from the stimulation, and he put his hand on your wrist that's stroking his length to anchor himself. Which you found to be one of the hottest things ever.
Josh puts the back of his other hand on his mouth, clearly trying to muffle the beautiful sounds he's giving you.
“Don't be shy, I want to hear you~” You say in a sultry tone while grabbing his hand from his mouth and bringing it to your clothed breast. Instinctively, Josh whips his head at you; those beautiful green sex glazed eyes fixated on you. His hand started to massage your breast under your grip, using his thumb to stroke against your nipple from under your bra that was growing harder from the stimulation.
Your eyes start to flutter and you lean into his ear, “Thaaat’s it, there’s a good boy. You’re doing so well for me.” You whisper. The praise lit something inside him and he needed more of you. As you’re continuing to stroke him, Josh removes his hands from you and to your shirt-damn near ripping it off and tosses it aside. His fingers go straight to your ribs and grips you for dear life. His half-lidded eyes soak up every inch of you with lust and adoration.
“Wow..” He whispers breathlessly in between moans. “..You’re so fucking beautiful [Y/n].” His hands dart to the back of your bra and unhooks it, letting your tits out into his view. He was basically drooling from the sight, immediately taking action. He leans up and captured one of your nipples into his mouth and swirls his tongue around it like it was the most delicious thing he’s ever tasted, while using his hands to hold you in place and to pleasure your other nipple with his fingers; pinching and circling with his thumb at an unbelievably delectable pace that had you heating up to the core.
“Fuck, Josh..” You whimper out, unable to control your voice. Your hand strokes his dick sporadically, unable to contain your focus. This pushes Josh to go further as he moves a free hand under your skirt, and starts stroking your already damp underwear. Josh hums at the feeling, circling a finger on your clit-causing you to suck in a sharp breath of air and buck into his hand. “Oh, someone seems to be desperate for more, huh?” He mumbles against your breast. You roll your eyes, “You’re one to talk. You’re practically using my hand to fuck yourself.” You make an emphasis as you squeeze his cock that was frantically rubbing against your hand.
He hums, in a somewhat defeated tone. “I guess I’ll take a loss on this one then, hm?” He guided your hand away from his cock, clearly wanting to let you have all the attention right now. You didn't know what he had in store for you, but you were excited for it.
His index and middle fingers rub circles over your clothed hole, before pushing past the boundaries of your underwear, in between your coated folds, and slowly sink them into your wet pussy-earning a harsh groan from you as you lean your head into the crook of his neck. “A-ah fuck~” is all your able to manage out from the feeling of his thick fingers.
“But that doesn’t mean I won’t take my revenge~” He coo’s into your neck, kissing and biting your skin. He works his fingers into you with such precision, you'd be surprised if he didn't have any experience beforehand. You grind yourself down onto his hand, chasing for more. You could feel your body grow in temperature from the body heat and pleasure. You look down at the sight below you, and what a sight it is; Josh's lidded green eyes intensely gazing up at you, his bottom lip slightly pulled between his teeth. His face clearly searches for any slight reactions you make, almost calculating. You feel your body flush even more just from the way he's looking at you, the intense eye contact making everything feel more passionate. You feel him working you up, getting you close to your peak, but your body feels a small wave of disappointment and confusion once Josh's fingers leave from inside you.
Josh sits up and puts a firm hand on your waist, using it to turn you over on your back so that he's towering over you. The position instantly made you feel submissive, and Josh's eyes never left yours.
“You look so damn hot underneath me.” Josh declares and all you can do is let out a bashful whine. Josh smirks at your reaction and roughly puts his hand on your jaw, the switch up only turning you on even more as you can feel more slick build up in between your legs. You instinctively put your hand on his wrist that's holding your jaw.
Josh moves his fingers out of your mouth and replaces it with his tongue, reaching down to catch you in an almost-rough, passionate kiss. Your hands instantly gravitate towards his hair, gripping at the dark brown tufts to pull him impossibly closer than he already was which earns you a groan from Josh.
“Where's all that confidence now?” He smugly asks, feeling as if he won with your silence. Josh uses his hand on your jaw to use his index and middle finger to prod at your lips, parting them. He sticks his fingers into your mouth, pressing down on your tongue causing small strings of saliva to spill out of your mouth. You can taste yourself on the same fingers that were once inside you, only adding to the erotic sensations you're feeling in this moment. And all you can do is look him in his eyes that continue to stare you down with dominance. You didn't expect Josh to have this kinky side, not that you're complaining, it's actually quite the opposite. You're soaking it all up, letting him do as he wishes with you.
His wet fingers trace down your body, passing your nipples and giving it a light pinch, causing you to slightly arch your back, pull your bottom lip between your teeth, and let out a small squeal. You feel him lightly chuckle into this kiss from your reaction, and he continues to rake his saliva coated fingers down your body, only slightly touching you, sending shivers down your spine. His fingers make their way down to your mound, teasing you and caressing you there, making you wiggle around in anticipation. The kisses move from your mouth to your jaw, then to your neck. Josh makes sure to take his time there, sucking more dark marks onto your warm skin. His fingers prod at your entrance, collecting just enough slick to ghost his fingers over your clit.
“J-Josh..” You say in a strangled voice, his teasing making it hard to find your words. Your hips involuntarily stutter into his fingers.
“Yes~?” He replies in a low, sultry teasing tone, urging you to say more. You could feel the bass of his voice vibrate against your neck and it only enhanced all the senses you were feeling. Josh slightly lifts his head from your neck to make eye contact with you. With his eyes dark, lidded, and his hair tousled only enhanced his looks in this moment.
“P-please..” You can feel yourself become bashful under his stare and you find it hard to keep eye contact. It's still hard for you to believe that you're even in this position with Josh right now. All the nights you lay in bed alone imagining what it would feel like to be this close to you in such a state is finally coming to fruition.
Fingers trace their way up your torso, circling around your breast, and tracing back down.
“C’mon. You're a big girl, use your words~” Josh teases. You swallow thickly, your fingers raking up into his brown locks. The smooth strands of his hair being gripped by your hands roughly as you gain your focus to speak.
“Please, I need you to fuck me. I’ve been needing this for so long..” You whisper breathlessly. Josh’s lips part a bit, and something changed in his eyes. They seemed, hungry. Frantic. Desperate, even. It sent chills through your veins and you found it enticing.
“Well look at that, she CAN speak. Such a good girl~ Your wish is mine to grant..” Josh licks his lips as he makes his hands to your breasts, fingering your nipples sensually. Your back arches, and you can feel your pussy throbbing more for friction. You let out a soft moan, which Josh laps up when he places a rough and hard kiss to your lips. His hands find their way to your waist and up to grip your ribs. His fingers rub against your bones, inciting a welcomed tinge of pain. He breaks the kiss slowly as he leans up and looks at you with a pure sex filled gaze,
“I’m gonna need you to prepare yourself, ok? You think you can handle that?” He whispers.
You give him a confused look. “Why?”
He smirks, and places his dick at your dripping wet entrance-your body instinctively jerks on his tip. “Because I’m gonna rearrange your guts.”
Before you can react, he firmly plunges himself inside you. The amazing stretch of his length inside you makes you whine out, and he quickly covers your mouth. “Shh, don’t want everyone to hear us now do we?” He mutters into your ear. You shake your head and whimper as he picks up the pace. Your juices coat his dick which makes it easier to adjust around him. The pressure and harshness was so new to you, you didn’t know how to cope. Your legs wrapped around his waist and hands gripped his hair more. His pace was fast but also steady-your body was writhing underneath him. Loud moans and gasps were muffled by his hand that was trying to escape. His own breathing was labored but controlled, and his eyes were shut tightly. You could tell he was enjoying this to the fullest.
He pushed two of his thick fingers into your mouth, and your tongue happily licked them up and down. You guys made eye contact as you did so and you could feel his dick twitch inside you from it. “You have, NO idea how long I’ve wanted this [Y/n]. I fucking missed you so much. I’ve dreamed about this for so long, God you feel incredible.” Josh breathlessly claims, taking his fingers out.
You drink up his praises like a dehydrated pup, and your heart starts to beat faster than it ever had. “I missed you too Josh, I’ve wanted this for so long as well. I’ve wanted to be with you like this since I left the mental ward. Jesus, all I’ve thought about was you.” Josh’s eyes flicker for a moment. Like a deep thought crossed his mind. His expression dropped slightly, but just as quick as it came it was gone. You were gonna ask about it until he pressed his lips on yours and continued to pound into you and it erased any thought you had.
His fingers dig into your flesh, his nails were definitely gonna leave marks. But you didn’t care. All you could think about was his dick absolutely demolishing you. The sounds of your guys’ combined moans and his cock fucking your wet cunt was all you could focus on. Josh brings a hand down from your waist to your clit. His finger pads work on it in rough yet gentle circles, coaxing out intense shocks of pleasurable waves through your body. Your hips thrust into his to match his pace as you chase your high. “C’mon baby, you got this. Let yourself unravel. I want to feel you cum on my dick~” Josh coos against your lips. You whine out a moan as you nod, putting your attention on your upcoming orgasm.
The way his cock was rubbing up into your walls, the way his hips were slapping into yours, his groans echoing into your ears; it was all you could’ve asked for and more. You were going crazy. Your hands went to his back, your fingers digging into his toned body. Your nails leave harsh mark lines to show your..Intense actions with each other, you could say. But you didn’t care. And Josh was certainly loving it. The pain and pleasure mixed into one was making the euphoric atmosphere between you two, far more enjoyable than you guys would have imagined.
You were almost there, you were almost reaching your peak; everything was building up and up. Josh clasps his free hand around your neck, lightly and effectively choking you while never halting the movement of his fingers on your clit and the pounding of his cock. All you're able to do is arch your back and moan in delight as you instinctively reach to hold onto Josh's hand and wrist that's gripping your neck. Josh's thrusts start pistoning into you with such force and roughness that it deliciously rubbed against your inner walls in all the right spots, his fingers on your clit moving at a rapid pace, and his grip tightening ever so slightly on your neck, you were on cloud nine. You feel the pressure in your lower regions build higher and higher, almost as if it was about to pop. You were so close.
Josh leans in close, his warm panting breath tickling your ear. You're not sure what he's doing and everything is happening too quickly before you can find out. You feel something wet and warm sensually slide from your jaw to your cheekbone, the peculiar feeling sent shivers down your spine. That's when you realize Josh just licked the side of your face, taking you completely off guard in such a pleasurable way. You didn't know Josh could turn you on and heighten this moment more than he already has-
“You’ve earned it. Now fucking cum.” He commands in a stern, dominant tone. This is all it takes to push you over the edge, the pressure finally popping. Your vision fades slightly and you feel your eyes roll. All the muscles in your body tensed and tightened, your back arching. Your mouth opens, probably ready to let out an incredibly loud moan but you can't tell anymore. Josh continues to ride you through your orgasm, never stopping his pace and movements on your clit.
All you feel is wet; so, so wet. Your thighs, the sheets under you-Josh‘s hips that were slamming into you; everything felt drenched. You don't find out why until your vision fades back to normal, leaving you to look down where you and Josh were connected. Everything was completely soaked in your cum. You can feel your face burn red as Josh stares at you surprised, his hips stuttering. “Fuck, baby- did you just…?” You had squirted for him, because of him, and it was the sexiest thing he's ever seen in his life.
You weren't expecting this to happen, so you do all you can think of, and just nod. This only causes Josh to speed his thrusts, chasing his orgasm and in turn overstimulating you. “Shit- you're so fucking dirty, baby.” He accentuates each world with a deep thrust. Watching you squirt for him was all he needed to push himself over the edge, his head rolling back, his grip on your neck tightening and untightening. Josh lets out the most beautiful sounds you've ever heard a man make when his seed spills into you, filling you up. (Thank God you were on birth control though, because if not this moment probably wouldn’t have felt like it did). Heavy breaths and broken moans leave both of your guys mouths as Josh slows his pace to a halt, releasing his grasp from your neck and using his hands to hold his weight above you, head dipped catching his breath.
This was the most beautiful and erotic experience to ever happen to you-and Josh as well. You were so overstimulated your body and nerves were literally vibrating inside your skin. You soak up Josh’s form utop; his messy brown locks pulled in all sorts of directions that made him look so sexy, the sweat accumulating on his beautiful olive skin, it was all so intoxicating to see. You look down and huff a small whimper of disappointment when he slowly pulls out of your dripping cunt. He lets out a deep groan when he looks at you, all disheveled and covered in each other's cum. What a gorgeous sight to behold.
“Wow, Marbles..” Josh mumbles as he soothingly rubs your thighs to relieve some tension from your muscles. “..Never thought I’d have a girl squirt for me. What an honor~” You scoff at his teasing comments and use a hand to lazily swat at him.
“Oh shut up. You liked it anyway.” You remark. He catches your hand and raises a brow. “Liked it?” He repeated. He uses your hand to travel down to your coated pussy and sticks your two fingers inside you-your body twitching a bit from the contact, and pulls your fingers out and into his mouth.
Your cheeks flush incredibly red at the sight; his eyes close and he moans against your hand as his brows furrowed in pleasure. You can feel his tongue slowly lick up the fluids from your fingers, and GODS was it hot. He pulls your fingers from his mouth and opens his eyes and leans in for a rough kiss. He sticks his tongue into your mouth and forcefully flushes some of the mixed cum into your mouth-earning a surprised muffled gasp from you. But you don’t reject it. Instead you allow it and embrace the taste.
It was bitter, sweet, and salty all at the same time. You never thought you’d enjoy this kind of taste before, until now. Because it was with Josh. He leans back a bit, smiling that oh so adorable smirk he always had on, “I don’t like it, [Y/n]. I fucking love it.”
You smile weakly, the exhaustion catching up to you. “Is that so? Well I guess we should do this more often then, huh?”
Josh’s eyes sparkle at your words, and nods enthusiastically. “Yes PLEASE! I would love a second round of the bone zone with you.” You both laugh at his eager tone and playful words-taking this moment to just relax and be happy with one another.
“Okay you're done.” You smile and mock roll your eyes at him. Josh just stares at you with that stupid-adorable grin and you playfully shove your hand in his face, shielding his eyes from you. Josh just prys your hand away from his face and pins it down beside your head. “Come on don't be like that, you know you love me~” He deeply whispers close to your face and leans in for a sweet kiss, your lips moving against each other's for a few seconds. You stare into eachothers eyes in silence for a little, Josh looking at you with adoration and much more. If only this moment could last forever.
“Alright I gotta go pee.” You break the silence, your bladder crying out to you causing Josh to roll off of you, letting you sit up. “Well, can I watch?” He asks which you take so unseriously and roll your eyes. You start to dress yourself, getting ready to put your panties on your sticky body before Josh stops you, handing you a towel and you thank him.
“Is there anything you need or want me to get while you're in the bathroom?” Josh asks genuinely, and you find it sweet.
“Uhmm… just a cup of water would be good,” you give him a warm smile while wiping yourself off and changing into your clothes.
“Alright I got ya. The bathroom is the door right across from mine.” Josh informs you, continuing to pull on his boxers and leaving you to take your time to ogle his half naked body. It was still hard for you to believe that you were able to get so close to Josh, see each other again, and then be intimate with each other. You weren't here for a quick fuck and then leave, you wanted to stay for the endgame, to go out on cute dates together, to spend nights in eachother’s rooms watching stupidly bad horror movies, playing video games, and waking up next to eachother. You just hoped Josh felt the same way, but you think you're confident he likes you.
After changing back into you clothes, minus your sweater, you leave Josh's room. The colder air of the hallway in the lodge wafting in your face. As you open the bathroom door, you could feel the transition from expensive hardwood floor to expensive tiles underneath your feet.
After finishing with the toilet and washing your hands, you take some time to look at yourself in the mirror. It's still so hard for you to wrap your head around what just happened, you feel like a giddy school girl. Months and months of crushing finally lead to something and you can't help but want Josh to be your boyfriend.
Josh was waiting for you back in his room, ready with a cold glass of water for you. You open the door to him sitting on his bed, unfortunately now fully clothed, messing around with something on his phone. Josh's eyes reach yours and he gives you a small smile grabbing the water for you off of his nightstand. You take a seat next to him on the bed, taking the water from his hand, thanking him.
As you raise the glass to your lips, you can feel Josh’s gaze on you, staring, taking glances between his phone and you. As you take a few big gulps, a small voice in the back of your head wonders why Josh is watching so observantly while you drink water. The water's cold, refreshing and you finish about half before you're satiated, reaching over him to set it back on the nightstand.
You and Josh continue to talk with each other for a little bit. During the whole conversation Josh would periodically glance at his phone, checking the time, but you weren't sure why. Only 15 minutes into your conversation you start feeling off. You can't explain the feeling. It's as if your body is slowing down. You've reduced your responses down to nodding along with lidded eyes.
“Josh… I’m- m’not feeling good…” You manage out that one sentence, hopefully it's enough for Josh to understand.
“Hey.. just lay down a bit, yeah?..” You feel a warm hand on your back and another on your shoulder guiding you to lay down the bed.
It doesn't feel right anymore, this doesn't feel right. You don't feel good but it's not like you're sick. It feels like your body's slowly shutting off. You can’t really make out what's going on around you. It's like everything is in slow motion. You try to open your mouth, but it suddenly feels dry and your ability to speak goes away. You try to raise a limp arm off the bed, but it doesn't go far; you no longer have control over your own body.
You see Josh's face looking down at you, calculating and watching your every move. You were drugged. You're sure of it. From what, the water? Nothing tasted off, right? Why though? Why would he do this? Why would this happen? Everything was going fine, right? Right..? The only thing you could think about was betrayal and fear you felt in this moment. What was going to happen to you?
The last thing you see is Josh standing above you, peering down at you with a torn look on his face, making no move to help. Many emotions washed over you; hurt, betrayal, and confusion. But you're not able to process them before you let go of consciousness, the world around you fading. And then..It went dark.
[a/n]: here's the long awaited chapter! Sorry for taking so long we got way busier than expected. One of us ended up moving to the next town over so it took a while to get free time to write. All the other chapters should be coming out a lot faster now!
Taglist: @puppygirlella @sigma-alpha-writer-chad
#josh washington smut#josh washington x reader#josh washington#until dawn#until dawn smut#until dawn x reader
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Dawntrail OST - Smile Official Lyrics
(Got my CD today, any transcript errors are mine)
Music: Masayoshi Soken Arrangement: TomoLow, Masayoshi Soken Lyrics: Michael-Christopher Koji-Fox, Phil Bright Lyrical Concept: Natsuko Ishikawa, Tomohiro Kawasaki, Magumi Onozuka Lyric Translation: Natsuko Ishikawa Vocals: AKINO from bless4
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At the crossroads, standing here Not a star in the sky to guide me tonight Left for lost, and lost in fear Deep in darkness drown my cries
All this pain inside of me Don't know where it starts or when it'll end Try and tame the agony As I close my eyes and scream to the wind
Look around and find I'm standing all alone (Look again, we're standing there) 'Cause the storm has taken everything I've known (Leaving loss you needn't bear) Don't know why I thought I'd make it by myself (After all that we've been through) Out of time, I'm runnin' blind. Can't somebody help? (Know we're always there for you)
Learned so much in life I couldn't understand (Understand we're by your side) Standing tall we'll face tomorrow hand in hand (Mine in yours and yours in mine) Weaving mem'ries, through the warp and weft we wend (This, our tale, a tapestry) Never losin' sight of everywhere that we've been (And everywhere we're gonna be)
In lightning's wake did naught but ash remain Yet with the rain, does life's song ring again O'er ancient forests, out beyond the plains It carries on, we'll carry on, whoa
So smile and let the rainbow sing (Red and yellow, blue and green) Alive with everything it brings (Laughter, peace, and harmony) We walk a neverending trail (In our hearts, we carry hence) One love, no, it shall never pale (This is our inheritance)
I turn around and what do I see? (Turn around and there we'll be) A light that guides our way to the key (Do you still remember me?) A silent flame that burns ever bright (What you've lost you won't forget) To see us forward out of the night ('Til tomorrow comes and then…)
Tight! Seize the day and hold on tight The sun is risin' Life, take it slow and take a bite
So high, on the dawn we set our sights A new horizon Fly, ever forward, starry-eyed
Hold tight, this land we call our home (Built upon a common dream) We fight to never let it go (Arm-in-arm, we still believe) Of fire, we have not seen the last (And the storm on which it rides) We'll rise again once it has passed (All for one, we march in stride)
And if you think you're ready to fly (I'll lift you up and carry you) We'll spread our wings and take to the sky (There is nothing we can't do) Come wipe away the tears in your eyes (What we've lost we won't forget) Together for the rest of our lives ('til tomorrow comes and then…)
The path ahead is steep And from the heavens the gods shall grant no relief Still we go on, we carry on, oh Never can we stop Never can we stop
Here come together, this land we'll defend Now and forever, for we won't end
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Time Of Death: Dawn
𖤐Pairing: Vampire! Alex x Werewolf! F! Reader
𖤐Pronouns: She/Her
𖤐Warnings: Smut, fluff, language, fake marriage, kissing/making out, eating out, P in V, enemies to lovers, Victorian Era, sexism,
𖤐Summary: Vampire Alex Keller and his so-called wife Y/n L/n-Keller had to be perfect but they're not. Alex is the future of Vampires and Y/n was the future for her wolf kind, but this so-called marriage was to keep the peace between both worlds of Vampires and Werewolves.
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The sun peaked through the curtains leaking into the bedroom shared between Alex and his wife Y/n. Y/n every night when going to bed would open the curtains just slightly for the sun to come in to let the sun try to burn Alex.
But before the sun could reach him. Alex would use his powers to shut them.
"Asshole," Y/n says, whipping her head around to look at her husband who was just bring his hand down.
"Coming from the woman who tries to kill me every morning."
"Not like you do the same," she says, kicking the covers off her body and grabs a shirt off the floor and puts it on. Y/n slept naked because she gets hot at night, while Alex sleeps pajama pants and a shirt.
The two had a agreement to do a fake wedding, mainly to keep the peace between Vampires and Werewolves, they were both the future them all, Alex going to be King of Vampires and Y/n going to be an Alpha. But they could not stand one another.
In public people saw them as two lovely couple who didn't let their differences stop them, but behind close doors, they hated one another, trying to kill one another.
Why kill each other, because when one dies the other gets their fortune.
Y/n stood on the balcony looking down at the people, Alex hissed when seeing the light seep in just a little bit.
"Close the door, you damn woman."
"Make me," she says, not even looking at him instead at the boy passing flowers out to couples on the street. She leans on her hand as she watches him pass them out, she loved seeing him, he was always so kind, gentle, and soft spoken, something about him that Alex wasn't.
"Him again?" Alex came out with his cloak over his head. "You know damn well if they see an affair going around-"
"They'll hang me, I know, drive a sliver nail through my heart, I get it, I can still dream, can't I?"
"No, you cannot, you are married to me-"
"Fake married, mind you," she says. She walks away from him. "I'm going to the market...care to come?" She felt like she was going to regret that answer.
"I would," he says with a smirk.
They both get ready dressed in their usual attire to match everyone else. They walked arms linked trying to look like a 'normal' couple. Y/n carried a small lace parasol over her shoulder, and Alex made sure his top hat covered his face.
"You could have stayed home," Y/n mumbles.
"And what let you have your way with the flower boy?"
"I would never, who do you think I am?" She teased.
"You are a woman, that I don't trust," his hand gripped her wrist.
"Mr. and Mrs. Keller what a lovely surprise," they stopped and looked at the person coming towards them.
"Mr. Wilson, how long has it been?" Alex jokes.
"Only a few days," Mr. Wilson laughs with Alex. Mr. Wilson didn't really like Y/n, refuse to speak to her, acknowledge her, or even look at her to even ask how she was doing. He acknowledged Alex like they've been best friends for years.
They haven't. Alex just can't stand the man, but doesn't know how to to tell Mr. Wilson to leave them alone.
"I'll be at the bread vendor," Y/n says, looking up at Alex dismissing herself from the men's conversation.
"Didn't think she'd ever leave," Mr. Wilson says, hiking up his pants.
"Easy there, Mr. Wilson. That's my wife remember that," Alex warns.
"Ah yes I know, but I wanted to talk to you. I'm opening up a brothel and I was wondering if you'd like to come, drink, hang out, get the good ol' whistle wet. I know you and that...whore probably don't do it often, I mean if she was my wife, I'd never be home, I'd be out," he chuckles, but Alex didn't, Alex wanted to get away from this creep.
"Haha," Alex sarcastically laughs. "With respect, my wife and I do quite often, and I would like it if you don't EVER call my dick a whistle ever again-also...do leave my wife and I alone," Alex walks away from the fat man.
He sees Y/n looking at the bread and paying the vendor some money for the loaf she picked up, she turns to see Alex waiting for her, she walks to him looking down and linked her arm with his.
"I heard everything you know."
"I figured, you and those ears," he says, he moves a piece of her hair behind her ears. She slightly winched and pushed his hand away. Almost letting him know 'don't touch me.'
"You could've gone-"
"What did I say about them catching us have an affair?"
"Only me, they don't care what you do, you're a man, I'm a woman, people care more what I do versus you."
"Yeah but if they find out what we are, they'll kill both of us no matter what," he says.
"I need some fruit, I'll be back," she says, walking away. Alex stood back letting her shop, but he went to the boy passing out flowers.
"Good day, sir, care for some flowers?"
"Do you have orchids?" Alex asks.
"Orchids?" He looks around. "Ah! I do, my last one," he says, handing them to Alex.
"How much?"
"5 pens," Alex gave the boy the money and heads back to find Y/n she was also paying, once she turned to see Alex with the flowers in his hands.
"Orchids?" She smiles, while taking them from him and smelling them, Alex took the basket she carried and let her carry the flowers, showing them off to the other women.
"Your favorite," he says.
"Thanks...but why?"
"You seem down today...I don't know why, but...I want you to be happy today," he says.
"What's the catch?"
"No catch," he says. "Just you."
"What's your game, Alex Keller?" She warns taking her arm out of his.
"No game..." She still looked at him confused. "You just haven't received flowers from me in such a long time, so I figured I'd give you some," he says.
She stares at the flowers and hides her smile from Alex, they walked back to their shared mansion, she walks to the kitchen and pulled out a vase, filling it with water and sticking the orchids into the water.
She then places the vase into the window above the sink, that's where the most sunlight comes from, so it only fitted to place it there.
She walks up to her bedroom where she saw Alex remove his clothes. He sits on his side of the bed and looks at the sun peeking through the curtains. He then feels eyes on him and looks at Y/n who was removing her dress.
"I need a bath..." she stops in front of the bathroom door. "...C-Care to join?" She asks, looking at him over her shoulder.
"You want me to join you in the bath?" He asks.
"Sure-but you don't have to-"
"I'll join," he says.
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Alex had watched Y/n as she washed her body, he watched as her skin had water dripping off her body. She looks like a Goddess. Alex looks at her bare back as she stood up, some scars on her back some freckles here and there, he stood up behind her moving behind her and kissing her neck.
"Alex!" She squeals. She tries to push off him but his arms wrapped around her waist to hold her against his body. "Hey, s-stop," she says.
"Y/n...please," he stops and looks up at her, his face was a bit red and he was slightly giving her a pouty face.
She turns to him and kisses his forehead, Alex stood up while also picking her up, her legs wrap around his waist, while she still placed kisses on his forehead and then his lips. Alex steps out of the bath and sets her on the counter and kissed her neck and then her chest.
Y/n let's out a soft moan, as Alex's kisses started to trail down, going from her chest down to her stomach and then just above her pelvis. He slightly pushes her legs open getting a small glimpse of her wet pussy.
He smirks while he was on his knees kissing her inner thighs. It was a while since her and Alex have done it, Alex would be busy and Y/n would be out or handling business within her community. This is the only time were they both can be with each other.
"Take it slow." She says.
"Of course," he says, licking his lips and kissing her wet clit, his tongue going between her wet folds, the sound of sucking and wet noises filled the bathroom.
He started eating her like she was his last meal, Y/n then squeezed her thighs around his head, he groans as he loved the feeling of her plush thighs around his head. He looks up at her seeing her leaning back on her elbows.
"F-Fuck," she moans, her hand going to his hair, slightly pulling and pushing him to make his tongue go deeper inside of her.
"You taste so sweet," he mumbles against her folds. Alex then stood up between her legs, aligning himself up at her entrance. "I'll be gentle," he says, close to her ear and kissing her shell of her ear.
Alex starts moving slowly, slowly grinding as well, her legs were resting on his waist, and her palms resting on the sink counter, her head back as she looks down at her stomach slightly bulging because of his dick.
"Fuck, Alex," she looks up at him, her arms going around his neck and kissed his lips, he starts moving a bit fast.
Alex smirks into the kiss, he picks her up and moves out of the bathroom, he placed her on the edge of the bed, her legs up and rested on both of his shoulders, he starts going a bit fast, balls slapping on her ass.
Her hands go from gripping the sheets to resting on his lower stomach, touching his toned chest and stomach feeling the ripples of his 6-pack under her fingers and palms.
"Ah!" She moans when feeling herself about to cum, she looks up at Alex almost telling him she was close. Alex smirks and chuckles at her.
"Come on, wolfie."
"D-Don't call me t-that," she says with a bit of a growl.
""Awww~ don't like my teasing?" He says, bending down close to her head.
"Don't you k-know not to tease a-a dog?"
"A dog?"
"Shut it," she says as he chuckles at her again.
Y/n puts her head back as Alex gave her one last thrust before she ends up coming on his dick. He pulls out and watched as cum leak from her lower half, he chuckles and bends down to use his fingers to kind of shove it back into her.
"AH Alex! W-What are you d-doing?" She asks.
"I don't want anything spilling from you," he says, now just placing his fingers inside of her.
She looked embarrassed, grabbing a pillow and hiding her red face behind it. Alex smirks and loved seeing her embarrassed.
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Alex sat on his bed, Y/n was next to him asleep, he looks down at her sleeping naked figure, her face buried into her pillow and the blanket just resting on her waist. Alex stood up and walks to the window making sure they were shut. He heads back and pulls Y/n close to his chest, he kissed her forehead and rubbed her waist.
"Alex?"
"Hm?"
"...When we both become King of Vampires and Alpha of Werewolves...will we have to leave each other?"
"I don't know, baby," he says.
"I don't want to leave," she says.
"I know...I-I don't either," Alex said, holding her close, kissing her forehead, and then kissing her lips.
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The next morning Y/n woke up first, the room showed no signs of light in the bedroom to hurt Alex, she looks down at Alex, touching his chest and moving her hand down to his stomach, her hand then slowly moves down to the blanket.
"Hey now...what do you think you're doing?" He says.
"Oh nothing," she says with a giggle, she leans down and kissed his lips. The kiss soon became something heavy, his tongue slipped into her mouth, she moans when she was pushed onto her back, her arms wrapped around his neck and his hands touched her soft thighs.
"Fuck, your lips...they taste so...so good, did you put something on?" He asks.
"I put some ChapStick on before I went to bed," she says.
"Taste good," Alex says, hiking her up to sit on his lap. Their bare bodies against each other, Alex was always so cold and Y/n was also so hot but with them two against each other it was a perfect warmth.
"I love your body," he says.
"Perv-"
"For what?" He chuckles. "I'm allowed to say I love your body."
"Shut up," she snuggles closer to his body and they both landed on their shared bed.
They are suppose to hate each other, why are they acting like this? Are they finally loving each other like a husband and wife are suppose to? Y/n looks up at Alex and pushed him on his back.
"What are you doing?" He asked as his hands rested on her ass now.
"Nothing just looking at my husband."
"Husband huh? When's the last time you've ever called me that?"
"Now," she says.
"You're being a tease."
"And you aren't?"
"When did I tease you?"
"Literally last night," she says, crossing her arms.
"Guess wife's are always right." She just chuckles at him and kissed his lips.
#cod modern warfare#cod mw2#cod mwii#cod x reader#fandom#fanfic#call of duty#mw2#cod#alex keller x reader#alex keller cod#alex keller
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don't talk to me im having a heart attack i can't breathe im seeing transformers one today oh my god I can't breathe this is my wedding day wtf I'm shaking so hard I'm going to explode I'm going to cry befofe I even get there holy fuck I've only been waiting for this for over a year so simplengngngggggg ohmygod I'm so excited im elita big screen ELITA ON THE BIG SCREEN happy little dance
#i'm going to have the be carried there I don't think I can walk#I'm so exicted it's actually oh my god#8 hours until I see my wife I CAN'T#you got me I wouldn't be this exicted if elita wasn't in it she's the whole reason I'm hitting the roof over this film#I CAN'T BREATHE#transformers one#transformers#tf one elita#tf one#elita 1#elita one
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day 23 aka THE COUNTDOWN IS OVER - jungsu's past birthday brrrr ppoppos
#xdinary heroes#jungsu#kim jungsu#jun han#junhan#jooyeon#gunil#ode#gaon#han hyeongjun#lee jooyeon#goo gunil#oh seungmin#kwak jiseok#jungsu23#forfreddy#HAPPY BIRTHDAY! may you have a lovely one with many kisses ♥#(ugh i was worried they'd stop this tradition and i would have been so sad about it. but now they HAVE to keep going ♥)#it's time for another concert story. or rather post-concert story.#so i did this photo thingie but when it was over and we walked out....... i completely forgot to look at the guys. i had my head down#(it was all so fast and i was struggling carrying my stuff so i didn't pay attention to .... well paying attention)#but then i walked past jungsu and i could FEEL him looking at me. his look was so intense and i don't mean this in a delulu way#this isn't me claiming we were meant to be. it's about him and he's got this.... presence. this aura. and it's very captivating#and intense (in a good way) and i was SO impressed and i still think about it#and what it was like when the other members met him for the first time (especially shy hyeongjun)#now to my more general impression. i feel like he's very intense overall? like he can probably get really angry and really bitchy#but he also loves intensely. and he loves his bois so much and cares about them so much#and i'm so glad he found a group where it fits so well. where he's one of the oldest and he can take care of the younger ones....#but also there's a leader who isn't an autocrat - who needs support too who doesn't want to carry all the weight on his own#who's willing to share the burden. and jungsu is right there at gunil's side without judging him. he's just very lovely and ♥♥♥ hbd jungsu
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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one of these days I gotta see how far or fast I can actually run...
#feels like a big win just to pull 4k off at all because in the past I could barely make like. 100m. lol#but I go at a super comfortable pace and when I get back to the turnoff to head home I'm just like 'ugh' to go another loop#mostly because like. bored#sounds super dull to repeat#I could however do a longer route in the first place but I don't actually know where the boundaries of my capacities lie#could just walk or bus back ig.#running#today's weather was so nice I was like surely I cannot spend the first day of spring looking at the dark walls of the gym.#but also I can feasibly run to the gym in the future I think. quicker than waiting for the bus#I'm alive enough at 2.5k to do weights probably#unsure how much it would compromise performance#alternatively back home in a couple months when it's still light out at 8pm#then again I'd have to carry shoes probably which would be very annoying
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They weren't lying, that pain sure is chronic
#i'll delete this later probably#i am just in so much pain right now#it has been significantly worse than usual this week#but right now it's#it hurts to walk#it hurts to stand#it hurts to sit down#it hurts to lay down#i've been dealing with this since 2019 and it was more manageable until it started getting progressively worse in 2021? 2022?#hard to think accurately right now#anyway i've been extremely reluctant about even acknowledging it as chronic pain because 'other people have more pain i think'#'i can still walk fine' thorn you are limping 24/7 now and it's painful that's probably not walking fine#i don't exactly like going to the doctors but i'm hoping to get an appointment with my gp next week#because if i carry on like this then it is going to get worse and worse#i can't not know what this is anymore because i really need some form of help for whatever it is#thorn talks
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I either need to accept that I am just a way stronger person than this friend and can handle way more while still being able to engage with the world as a person, or recognize excuses as excuses, accept that I am not valued and be done or. Maybe both. Idk. It might be somewhere between the two. I am just sick of regular life stuff rendering him unable to spend any time with me, and of him being unable to bear any of the details of my life, when I would move mountains to rekindle our friendship. Though I'm starting to wonder if I still would.
#faer personal files#i just. really didn't want officiating his wedding to be our last hurrah of friendship even though i did kind of feel it coming#also i'm really sick of being infantilized for my chronic fatigue i am a grown adult and i know what i'm capable of#ugh. maybe i'm just being awful and not understanding in which case i'm too much of a rancid person to be his friend i guess#but i don't think that's the case#idk i'll never forget when i couldn't see this dude for a year even masked up outside for covid but when another of our old friends came up#from her job doing COVID RELATED CROWD CONTROL FOR THE FUCKING ARMY he went on a hike with her mask off#and i think that says a lot about what our friendship's been for years honestly. if he can't bear my company idk why i try#if i'm just an interesting prop for conversations and occasions but not a friend. i can't accept that#i am an interesting prop for conversations. the disabled genderfluid bisexual genius who lost everything bc of said disability#but i didn't lose everything i just have to fucking rebuild on new ground. and i am doing that. i whine on occasion but i am so strong#and i do know how to interact with people without traumadumping i haven't on him in YEARS but his concept of me crystalized at age 21#or something like that i guess. idk it just breaks my heart#bc for a long time he was my person. he was the only person who knew the authentic me. more even than my sisters at times.#and yeah that was a little unhealthy but at the time he craved that!!!#and then i grew up and stopped needing him like that around the same time he stopped wanting that and it should have been fucking fine#but like. even senior year of college when i was sick it was already starting to fall apart#like i remember being on a small hike once being exhausted and jokingly being like you gotta carry me back and then being like#no really i might actually need an arm to lean on by the end of this walk if i'm gonna make it back to the car i really don't know if i can#and he said no bc he didn't want to look straight. who the fuck CARES??? i could barely walk i was stumbling my way back annoying him going#too slow. fuck. and that really has been what our friendship has been for years. the minute my house wasn't the most convenient place it wa#more or less dead idk why i keep dragging this horse around#idk why i keep letting him break my heart like this it's so stupid he's never gonna care about me like he did when i was quick and brillian#but never quite as smart as him in his view. fuck him. i'm smarter. just bc i was a little gullible or paranoid at times bc of the#FUCKING CPTSD doesn't mean i was dumber than him. the fuck??? there's something wrong with me i swear idk why i hang on#anyway i'm irritated. but i'm also reluctant to throw away somebody who's seen me through key points in my life. so.
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hiii i want to quit my job <3
#.txt#stressed.#i dont like lights and sound. i dont think that way. cannot tell the different lights apart and programming confuses me#also the catwalks in the theatre we used last sem were good and stable and not too high up so hanging lights was fine#like they're heavy as shit and i am: weak. scared of falling. not very tall.#so leaning out to focus them sucked#but it's fine!#except we're in the other theatre now. and the catwalks are fuckinf high and wobbly and i hate WALKING on them let alone carrying a light#and everything got hung for the current show but strike and on i really dont feel comfy up there#but whay the fuck else can i do#also i'm working one show that's moving into tech. and co-SMing two others this sem. and taking a full load of classes.#and originally i was only allowed 6 hrs/wk which was fine that's doable#but i guess bc i didn’t work january i get eleven now#but consider! i don't WANT eleven hours i want to QUIT#but she really wants to schedule me fridays and things keep complicating it ans i don't know how to say i don't want to work Fridays#and i HAVE to make sure she continues to like me bc shes the person to go to for SM shit. shes in charge and seemingly fickle#i'm already workinf mon-wed and one of those days i literally don't have time to get lunch so i'm not eating til 5#but i really should push thru to the end of the year at least. i need an understanding of this facet of things.#shes put in the work to train me i shouldnt leave after one semester.#UGH#hate this im too tired for negotiations over a job i dont even want
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also mom won't shut up about this particular type of embroidery called borgello and it looks appropriately dead easy, but the kits she keeps linking me to are fuckin $50, as opposed to the cross stitch kits that I'm actually realistically looking at that are like. $5.
#I'm genuinely still kind of pissed about her comment about how money worries never end like bitch after a certain point that's on you#she was trying to be sympathetic but she just made herself look like an ass#she hasn't made any mention of visiting to go shopping together for my birthday and honestly thank god for that.#I hate playing that game.#walking the tightrope between wasting opportunities and flying too close to the sun while also carefully weighing anything I comment on#and everything I get out of it carries a miasma for ages because of how it was obtained#anyway she's worn out just from dinner with her grandkids again so hopefully she'll die while there's still inheritance left#(and before she has a tantrum big enough to write me out)#(if she hasn't already I suppose.)#(altho tbh I think she's more likely to keep me in her will even if she's earth-shatteringly pissed)#(because that's one last jab from beyond the grave. one last forceful grab for attention.)#(and of course she can reassure herself that she's the martyr she's the put upon she still loved me until the end even though I was so cold)#(she doesn't know how much I hate her btw. even after she completely fucked it last year I have remained civil with minimal outright lies.)#(so she does know something broke then because it's impossible not to and that something was lingering before that)#(but I don't think she has the capacity to reckon with how deep it goes even if I wasn't deliberately concealing it.)
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I can't stop thinking about Ghost being a better boyfriend than your ex, even without establishing that title....
This is a continuation of part one.
warning: mention domestic abuse
💀
Simon was there every night you worked. You never gave him your schedule, but he'd show up and settle onto one of the stools like clockwork. Soap often joined him, and while they carried on like always, you knew Simon's gaze lingered on your body. You could practically feel the weight as you took drink orders and pulled pints. It wasn't unwelcome. In fact, it made everything easier knowing you weren't alone if your ex dared show his face.
When your shifts ended, Simon would walk you back to your new place. The one time you insisted he didn't need to do that, he grunted and said, "What if I want to?"
You didn't mention it again. Instead you got into a routine of giving him a fifteen minute warning when your shift was going to end, and you'd head out into the cold night with him at your side. He was mostly quiet while you chatted about whatever was on your mind. When you'd ask him about himself, he'd reroute the conversation back to you. Then he would wait while you unlocked your door and stepped inside.
You always had the urge to invite him in, but you were taking up so much of his time already. And what would you do with him anyway? This hulking military man with kind eyes?
You thanked him and gave him a little wave before ducking inside, and you knew he always waited until he heard the sound of your door locking before he left.
"Y' alright, love?" he asked one night when you were starting to feel particularly good about yourself again. Your split lip had healed which required less makeup. You felt stronger for having left your ex in the dust. You were wearing a new top that made you feel sexy.
"Yeah. I'm alright, Simon. I feel really good, actually."
You served him a drink and refused to let him pay. You really ought to make him stop tipping you at this rate. He was doing so much for you and getting nothing in return. He was doing all of the boyfriend duties just as he had promised, but he never so much as touched you other than the occasional hand hold.
What if you wanted more?
He broke into your thoughts as he said, "I can tell. Ya' been smiling more. Almost ready to go?"
Tonight you felt like you were floating along the dirty sidewalk with your hand tucked in Simon's massive paw. He was keeping you warm without doing anything, and he listened to your nervous rambling as you tried your best to work up your courage. But the two of you reached your front door all too quickly.
"Get inside," he said, voice deep and tender in spite of the command. "An' lock up."
When he started to pull his hand away, you didn't let him. And you didn't budge when one of his eyebrows inched higher. "Not quite yet," you whispered, toe tapping the cement step you were standing on which put you slightly closer to him in height. "I have to tell you something."
Simon's lips pressed together in a tight line, and his chin dipped in a slight nod. "I need to tell ya' something, too. Just don't want to."
"What?" you asked immediately, the lightness you'd been feeling instantly replaced with a lead brick inside you.
"I'm leaving. Late tomorrow night. Not until after I make sure ya' get home from the pub."
"Leaving?" you whispered, heart pounding faster. He was in the military. Some sort of special mission involvement. You knew that much. And you could read between the lines to know that someone who looked and behaved like he did was probably about to risk his life, not for the first time. "Simon, where are you going?" you asked with tears in your eyes even though you figured he wouldn't be able to tell you.
Simon shook his head, his lips curling into a soft smile. It was a rare sight, and it made you dizzy. "Pretty little thing like you shouldn't be worried 'bout me." You wanted to tell him you would be. You'd worry nonstop until you saw him again. You'd come to rely on him, but mostly you liked how you felt when he was around. "There'll be someone to walk ya' home from work every night. I can promise that."
You wanted to lean in and kiss him, but instead you threw your arms around his neck. He was so solid and warm, and the scrape of his facial hair on your cheek was somehow comforting. "But I'll see you tomorrow, right?" you asked, voice breaking on a sob.
"I'll see ya' tomorrow, love."
He didn't move an inch as you extracted yourself, and the sound of his receding footsteps could only be heard once you'd locked yourself inside.
💀
Part three
#simon riley x reader#simon riley x you#simon riley cod#simon ghost riley#ghost simon riley#simon riley#simon ghost x reader#simon riley imagine#simon ghost x you#ghost call of duty#ghost cod#ghost imagine#ghost riley#call of duty x reader#cod x reader#ghost x reader#ghost x you#call of duty fanfic#simon riley fanfic#ghostsprincess
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Perv Toji thoughts in the brain 😔 Fed you guys the fluffy pieces, now i'm thinking of the little weirdo in him.
Suggestive
Perv!Toji who slips his thumb past your lips when you start drooling after falling asleep on him. He wipes the drool that seeped out of the corner of your mouth before gently pushing down on the plush of your bottom lip and easing the digit into your slightly parted lips. His eyes remain lidded as he feels your soft, wet tongue with the pad of his thumb, and when you start to stir, he coos at you, soft murmurs of, "sleepy princess" and "I got you, baby". He's got the most satisfied look on his face when you don't question why his thumb is in your mouth, too tired to even bother.
Perv!Toji who cancels his gym membership and starts working out at home, because you said you wanted to join him in his workouts. He could never say no to something like that. This is just something else you can do together, but it'll have to be an at home thing, because he can't have people ogling you the way he does when he puts you to work. He won't make you do his exact intense routine, but he does push you to the point where you break a sweat. It's a must. He slowly walks around you, observing his favorite parts of your body as you do the warm ups he instructed you to do. Jumping jacks are one of his favorite things to watch you do. He likes watching your boobs and ass bounce, and because it's not just a simple set of ten or fifteen, you end up panting, a sound that sends his blood rushing down, down, down. When you get tired, he does the parts of his routine that he exempts you from. He has you sit on his lap while he does bench presses, he does his pushups, but he wants you wrapped around him as he does them, and so on. Everything is skin to skin because he's not gonna have you just sit there and watch when you have a better purpose.
Perv!Toji who can't hold consistent eye contact with you when you go braless and your nipples are poking through your shirt. He understands, from the many times you've said it out loud, that not all bras are comfortable. The prettiest ones, some of his favorites even, are usually the least comfortable to wear. They're a courtesy to the rest of the world, but when you're walking around at home, you free your chest from those constraints and he has absolutely no complaints about it. "Free those puppies" is a recurring line of his, and when you do get the bra off, your boobs instantly attract his attention, like they're magnets to his eyes. Sometimes his intrusive thoughts win and he'll reach out and grab a handful of tit. He's definitely not shy about it, either. He knows his hands are better than any bra you own. He can hold onto your tits and never get tired, he offers great support for your back when he's behind you, and massages are included <3
Perv!Toji who has the weirdest obsession with your tummy. He's constantly rubbing and pinching the soft flesh as a form of stress relief. The area is never clear of hickeys, there always has to be at least three on that part of you because he can't be gentle when he's kissing that area. I don't know, he's just internally feral about it and sometimes those feral feelings start to trickle out. Loves when you eat a good amount of food and you get a little belly. He's constantly thinking of putting a baby in you, so when your stomach protrudes that way with a food baby, it gives him the illusion of what you would look like in the early stages of carrying his baby.
That's all for now, buh-bye <3
#toji#fushiguro toji#jjk toji#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen toji#jujutsu toji#toji fushiguro#toji fushiguro x reader#toji x reader#toji x y/n#fushiguro toji x reader#toji x you#toji fluff#toji fushiguro x y/n#toji fushiguro x you#jujutsu kaisen x you#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen scenarios#jjk#jjk fluff#jjk x reader#jjk x you
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