#i'm going to be kind to those who haven't treated me kindly; just because

[turquoisemagpie]

Appreciate the little things.

Not to ignorantly deny all of the big bad things in the world, but to survive them.

[sitp-recs]

Hello!

First, I hope you're doing quite well and having a good day!

Second, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the post re: the writer who felt discouraged about not getting comments despite readers loving the works in quiet and gushing in other places (and would likely leave their fandom). More specifically, your tag about how your blog may fit in to all that.

Like you, I'm not a writer, in the sense that we don't come up with a story and put it out there, heart in our hands, hoping for someone to see it and enjoy it and maybe even to say as much to me. I won't discount OP sharing their friend's very valid feelings of seeking some validation and connection with their audience. I think that's a very human thing to want. And it's okay to be so disappointed that you stop interacting with a thing that doesn't make you feel good.

But I also don't want you to discount what you bring to fandom. Your blog is a big reason WHY I read in this fandom, and I think that's true of a lot of people, just based on the asks you get. Personally, your insight has helped me find some of the most beautiful stories and insanely talented writers and artists. For those of us old enough to remember a world without social media/smart phones (or even the internet as an easily accessible thing), one way people often found new media (and artists) is by reading reviews. And they weren't always kind. Reccers like you only share kind reviews. And they often say that one way to consistently find media you enjoy is to find a reviewer whose tastes seem to match up to yours and follow their lead when looking for new things to enjoy.

You (and all reccers) are a valuable part of the fandom ecosystem, helping introduce new fans to fandom as a whole. And your blog also often encourages being a better human in fandom. Because the reality is that newer, younger fans won't know the etiquette to being in these spaces. And that's just as important.

Thank you to all authors and artists for being brave enough to share a part of yourself through fandom. And reccers, thank you for your work on helping us find them. May we all go forth and treat each other very kindly.

Thank you so much anon, this was really special to read! To be completely honest I am just coming back after a fandom break, and I was not in the right headspace to interact with that kind of post (that’s on me!). I regretted reblogging it as soon as it was out as I did not want it to come across as “Liv’s self-pity party” because the discussion is much bigger and layered, but @eleadore’s ask triggered a very interesting discussion with great insights (strongly related to @garagepaperback’s comment about how some of us who have lurked for years might have a different understanding of fandom, and how the introduction of kudos etc by ao3 is re-shaping this culture at large 🤯)

I think it’s a nuanced discussion because of how fandom is structured and the way stats influence newcomers (both authors and readers) but I was talking with my friends last night and one key takeaway for us was what we saw in someone else’s tags: “don’t outsource your happiness”. I think it’s important to validate our craving for interaction and belonging, after all this is a social space! I love making friends with people who are just as obsessed with these two idiots as I am! But the moment this craving becomes our primary motivator, the moment we link our self-worth to external validation, we’re giving someone else the power to ruin our experience, our relationships, our passion. There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back when something that’s supposed to be fun and chill starts making us miserable instead. I wanna cultivate a healthy relationship with my hobbies so that I can still find comfort and refuge in them. That’s something that resonates with both creators and readers, I think, and something I wanna keep in mind as I move forward with the blog, in whatever shape or form it takes ❤️‍🩹

I appreciate your love letter to all reccers and the kind words about my recs. I’m so happy to hear that the blog had a lasting (and positive!) impact on your fandom experience. Thanks again for taking the time to write this message. Take care!

[tiredassmage]

What happened after the mission that got Leo's unit killed that he embarrassed Vorza so much?

In my own thinking about what would warrant such a punishment, I very much got vibes like that of what happened when Weiss snapped at the Beacon fundraiser/charity gala in Atlas in Volume 4 of RWBY. But idk. That's just my thoughts.

Damn, I do miss this guy. Okay, this will also be beneficial for me to actually write down because I... haven't done that yet, lmao. And I'm starting to forget who I might've ever clarified it with.

Leo's falling out with his father after the deployment is... Well, I mean, yes, about how their relationship has really never been a positive one, and it boils down to a lot of the same that Leo has always butted heads with him on: Vorza's expectations of him and who he was to be were a lot different than what Leo wanted. Unfortunately I'm not familiar with RWBY to confirm or deny if that's it from experience, but I'll try to walk us through it and y'all can tell me. xD

What Vorza tells him to shape up about it is, in short, an "attitude" problem. It's that Leo doesn't let go of the fact that he disagreed with the orders that got his unit killed. It's that he loudly puts blame on the Sith that was leading them that day and that he gets in his commanding officer's face about getting a lot of men killed. Now, his CO might have brushed off some of it on his own physical and mental recovery from the fighting, but a Sith's a lot more unlikely to tolerate continued insubordination of that nature, and Leo wasn't in a state that was likely to get any quieter about it without a sharp intervention.

So, Vorza, somewhat begrudgingly, I imagine, intervened to get Leo's injuries actually treated - hence the cybernetics. But Vorza's concern isn't Leo's well-being, it's how his loud mouth will reflect on the family reputation if he doesn't cool jets, and quickly. The only reason Vorza doesn't want to see Leo court-martialed for his actions is the irreparable damage Vorza worries about for his own position and the status of the family. Leo's following deployment to Begeren, then, is... just as much punishment, you could say, as it is "get your act together or you better hope someone else cleans your chrono about it before I do." It's for appearances' sake, really. If Leo can complete another tour of duty without tarnishing his record further, Vorza can deal with his son's attitude afterward more quietly and out of public attention.

In short then, what happened after the mission is Leo reacted to the trauma of losing his entire unit, of being ordered into a situation his gut told him was too dangerous, and then being proven right. Part of what haunts him still about that experience is not speaking up sooner, of not making that fuss when they were still alive to rebuke orders. Maybe it would've been a death sentence either way with a temperamental, hotblooded young Sith at their lead, but if enough of them had agreed to speak up together, maybe... maybe things would be different. It's one of the things that feeds Leo's impression of himself as selfish, and far more motivated by self-preservation than an interest in larger, grand ideals.

But he'll never know now. Those men are dead. And while he still had enough heat in him left to snap at Vorza about his attitude problem for a moment, he... ultimately felt locked up again by the lack of real choice in the matter. Leo wasn't looking to get himself killed - not that day, and not afterwards in proceedings or on a Sith's blade, either. And it was what he "owed" for Vorza so kindly (sarcasm detected) stepping in to help with his physical treatments afterward. Vorza's position and the family's status are the only things that bought him the kind of recovery time and treatment methods he was afforded, rather than being lost more in the shuffle of reassignments and possibly not redeployed at all - or redeployed faster than might've been... healthy, if you will. What Vorza frames it as is a chance to keep some honor, but what it really is between him and Leo is a demand to not fuck something up even further, and a promise that the slight won't be forgotten regardless.

[chroniclyst]

okay. takes a deep breath. i'm no longer having an active meltdown. i may go through and clean up those posts. but here is my official statement; my apologies for the length:

the end of tisbe's and my relationship was a big fucking mess. we both did things that hurt each other very badly. i'm not going to lie and say that i was a perfect angel and faultless victim, because i wasn't. i got angry when i was hurt, i said things i shouldn't have, i should have been more compassionate. i take issue, however, with tisbe wrongfully portraying me as a manipulator and an unsafe person. i am someone who tries very hard to be kind and compassionate to people, and if i make a mistake or hurt someone, i do what i can to correct it and then work to learn from that and repeat it. i have fucked up and i will probably fuck up in the future, but i always have and always will try to be someone who improves the life of others. when tisbe broke up with me, it was after i had apologized for the things i had done and without giving me a chance to try and do better by her, when they bare minimum implied that xe would. i feel the way they seem to have talked about me does disservice to the work i am constantly putting into my own growth and towards doing my best to be good to people.

with regards to the accusation of cyberstalking: that is something that had grounds in reality. i am not proud of this. i had a friend from 8th grade to summer(?) of last year. we were not good to each other and our relationship brought out the worst in each other, and i also poured in a lot of love and effort into us. i made a twitter account with a pretend identity a bit before the final end of our friendship to eventual reveal like a teehee! it was me :)! thing, because that's the sort of (somewhat insane) thing she and i would do--that was our normal. after things ended, i used it for a while to check up on her. a bitter part of me enjoyed seeing her be lonely and upset that she had lost the friend who would have done anything for her. i had also wanted to (in the sort of want where you won't take action on it) to follow her priv with it to see what she was saying about it all. i did not do this. a month and a half or so ago, i had a late night thinking-things-through, and things finally clicked into place about my relationship with her. the way i was with her was the last vestiges of a person i haven't been in years, and i would not make the same choices now that i did then. here are the posts i made about it all: (one) (two) (three). tw in the first and second post for sui ment, and in the second for csa, cocsa, and ed ments.

i do not fault tisbe for still being upset about this and not knowing about the things i have processed there, as i have kept xem blocked since i made this account and i assume that they would not have seen the posts. that is, however, a part of why i wish people would get both sides before making a final decision, as that was a complicated and nuanced situation (even this is just the sparknotes). i have myself been a victim of cyberstalking, and it isn't something i treat lightly, including the fact that i was a perpetrator of it in the past, and i take full responsibility for my history with that. i hope that my talking about this provides some assurance that i would absolutely not do it again.

i have tried, and will continue to try, to speak about tisbe's and my breakup as honestly and kindly as possible. i haven't wanted to (and still don't) say anything that could turn people against them, and i have never wanted to drag our shared friends into something that could and should have been kept private. i think the ultimatum is something that was unfair to the people who care about us both. i am still trying to figure out how i feel about that in connection with also understanding that a person can have boundaries about what circles they are in. above all, i wish that he would take responsibility for the fact that sea didn't handle things well either--with me, with my fiance, and others. and i hope that she finds peace, and that they can grow in the future.

should anyone wish to share this post or the posts linked within it with tisbe, you have my go-ahead. i wish that that was not the singular option i had at this time for a channel of communication, but it would be nice in the future to at least have the sort of conversation that would lead to closure for us both.

[fiveamandawake]

in the spirit of using this blog as the vent and journal it was created as:

I don't know how to end this friendship. I'd like to do it kindly, while being completely clear that I'd prefer for him not to contact me again.

This is someone who doesn't have other friends, and who depends on me for i) emotional validation, ii) guidance, iii) motivation to get better. We were friends, then briefly in a relationship, then friends again after I moved across the planet into a literal hellscape of grief and terror to which my own depression contributed its own tang.

I haven't been in regular contact with him. I've been ghosting him, more or less, since I got here in 2020. The thing is, I've been ghosting all of my friends and all my family that I don't live in the same building with, without exception. I gave everyone who I'm close to a general explanation of the difficulties of my life at present, and to some of them (him included) I also offered some of the more painful details as explanation for why my mental health didn't allow for consistent contact anymore. I know it's a shoddy way to treat your friends, but I have been doing my best (in therapy and out of it) to get over my weird fear of contacting my own friends, and getting nowhere with it.

So, me: radio silent, mostly. Him: writing letters begging for updates, telling me about how it's too hard to try and overcome his depression without my support, saying that he can't stop thinking about me, saying he's doing badly and needs help, talking about how I was causing him worry and distraction by not "letting him in" and sharing my own problems.

I am going to be fair to him by saying I knew about this aspect of his character from early on in our acquaintance, and at the time I enjoyed how cherished it made me feel. How adored. He was, and is, constant, loyal, in every way wanting to be there to support me through my troubles the way we used to help each other through them before.

However, things have changed. Specifically, years of handling back-to-back problems quite beyond what a person just reaching her twenties ought to deal with have changed me from the person he knew to someone harder and hollower, less prone to kindness. I'm chronically ill now, my mental health is autumn-leaf-trembling-on-a-twig fragile, and I'm unemployed and stranded away from employment opportunities with my money running out mainly because I can't rely on my own body and mind not to let me down in an emigration situation.

These changes in me have led to a much lowered self esteem. With most of my friends, I stuggle to reach out across the months and years and share my troubles because I am ashamed of having done this to myself, sunk so irreparably low and despairing so wholly that words of encouragement or consolation feel inadequate as a response. I don't give them the grace of knowing me as I am now, and still trying to love me. I'd prefer they bear in mind the gentle, whimsical person who I was in university and before that. With him, who knew me and loved me at a low point and who I know would love me still if I gave him the chance, I don't know just what my problem is.

I only know that above all, his persistence and insistence in that I let him in, that I engage with his life and that I tell him about mine, has caused a perverse repulsion in addition to the shame that drives me to hide from those who cared about me. I can't, but with him I also don't want to. I don't want to know him anymore, though he continues to be kind and attentive, with a mind I find delightfully beautiful in its contours, troubles and all.

It's a strange reason for breaking off a friendship: I can't be the support you need, and I refuse to open up to let you support me. Perhaps, later, in less dire times, I will come to regret losing this dark pearl by throwing him back into the open waters. Maybe I will miss him.

Right now, though, his messages continue to dig at me with guilt. I cannot and also will not want to change my actions in the short term. These messages continue to pitch increasingly towards melodramatic "so this is it, then, you're abandoning our friendship", which I can understand to a degree after 4 years of rarely and reluctantly broken silence on my part, but which annoys and exasperates me to a much greater degree. None of my other friends, though I've known most of them much longer than him and been just as close to many of them, are wailing and tearing out their hair in my inbox every few days. They heard "I still care about you, and if you send me messages I'll read them lovingly even if I can't respond. I'll be in touch when I can," and they took it at face value. Why couldn't he?

I am his only friend, this brilliant, high-achieving person, this closed-off, troubled figure who holds a world of consideration and devotion closely guarded in him. I don't want to disappear permanently from his life, not when his messages to me provide at least an unanswered outlet for his feelings, but I am not a door to be knocked on incessantly, and I tire of the emotional appeals which I cannot answer, and which make me feel terrible each time I cannot answer them.

I think, though it will be painful to him, the healthier thing to do is to stop our association altogether. Maybe in the years to come, if I am ever better myself, I will feel the rupture to be painful myself. But he needs to find new friends, try for new loves, and experience the failures and occasional successes of life's social encounters for himself. My friendship, weak, pale thing that it is nowadays, is not enough to sustain a whole person. I doubt he will let go of it and go out to seek new instances of live or friendship if things remain as they are. I have no wish to string him along, and so it must end here.

[the-teddy-bear-butch]

Hi Пчёлка!

It's literally fine, I have an ask in my inbox from November that I haven't touched since last year (so weird it's 2023 now. I hope you have an amazing new year that is uneventful and you're loved ones stay in good health <- coined phrase over the last couple day lol)

AS FOR THE LITTLE BIT OF SNOW I TALKED ABOUT it kept on coming then there was like a foot and a half, which wouldn't be too bad except it stayed like -23 for like a week and a half (arctic outflows my beloathed) and never melted the entire time.

tbh the weather's not bad anymore, it's still pretty cold but all the snow is gone and it was sunny today!!! I made pancakes an moved my plants to the big window so they could get sun to celebrate.

once again risking it all for some whipped cream.

tuque is such a fun word to say! it also has a bunch of different spellings.

The new job is going pretty good! I've discovered that kid's under the age of 7 think my fake and very bad for that matter Russian accent is hysterical, which I think is hysterical.

December was actually pretty good! An stubbornly optimistic is definitely the vibe for this year. I don't really have any new years resolutions except for maybe treating myself as kindly as I hope this year teats me. How about you?

Alas, Priory is still sitting rejected on my bookshelf. I got a really cool copy of The Hobbit at my favourite book store so now i'm doing a re-read 😂 While I was there I met the new bookstore cat and not to be dramatic but I'd die and kill for her.

I hope you're staying warm! I am so glad that weather passed and I hope it leaves you alone soon!

Gender fuckery my beloved <3

Literally so glad we don't live in a world where J*ke G*llenhall is Frodo. I do love Nicolas Cage but Viggo Mortensen is literally the perfect Aragorn.

alhdgskhf my family makes the best garlic powder and it goes on everything.

SPEAKING of Ronanceifying a song, I am about to send you the most rambly au idea.

I would literally kill for Paramore tickets. The News has been stuck in my head since it came out. It's totally storm cloud grey and reminds be of.. storms. Devil Is A Woman is totally dark magenta and you know that feeling when you're walking around and feel kinda like a villain in a movie, but in a good way? yeah that. (having thoughts of starting a side blog where people can send in music and I can do the colour/vibes thing. thought?)

oh it was 3 am for you too?

Quite possibly the last time I sign off like this, not because i'm going anywhere but because I think i'll ✨reveal my identity✨ tomorrow

-el

Hello hello! <33

I have some asks as old as September in reference to an ask game I’m not sure I could find again if I tried LMAO. The same to you! I hope the year treats you and your family with kindness and is chill!

WOW, that’s a lot! I hope it was at least fun to play in or something! Glad it all melted and it’s sunny now! Those pancakes look INCREDIBLE, and I bet that’s some damn good maple syrup ;)

Fake and very bad Russian accents are indeed hysterical! I love kids, honestly, they’re so fun. I worked a summer “camp” for a two week period and my best friend was a 5 year old who drew me a picture because I hung out with her when she was sad. What sort of job are you working, if you don’t mind me asking? :O are you teaching?

That’s a pretty damn good one! We all deserve to be treated with kindness, especially by ourselves!! Besides that, I just want to keep working on my silly novel(s), see my friends more, that kind of thing!!

Poor Priory, rejected by the both of us LMAO. Yay for The Hobbit! That was one of my favorite books for years, honestly you may be inspiring a reread for me now lol. Bookstores are my favorite ever, but they’re even better with animals! My irl bestie took me to one locally that I didn’t know existed and they had a dog and he was so cute.

Definitely staying warm! It’s actually warm enough yo be mildly concerned about it (insert TikTok audio “the weather outside is warm, the planet is dying). I wouldn’t mind it being slightly colder because I am gay and I must wear LAYERS. I hope you’re staying warm as well!

J*ke G*llenhall Frodo is literally the darkest timeline. Gotta say, Nick Cage as Aragorn does sound interesting tho. But for some reason this man is solidified in my brain as National Treasure Man. I’ve seen National Treasure once???

I saw you sent it! Gonna check that out right after this 🫡

I was about ready to kill for tickets! They randomly added a second OK location after the first one sold out, so I LUCKED OUT. They’re definitely nose bleed seats, but IDC, I GET TO SEE PARAMORE AND IM GOING INSANE. I’m normal about them. Truly. I think the side blog idea is AMAZING, that would be so cool! I have a silly music side blog too, but mine is much less interesting than that lmao. If you do it, let me know because I will absolutely follow it 👀

When I responded to that other one, yeah! Time zones are funky

AYO? I’m excited! I think I have a theory, but I will wait to see if I’m right hehe

Eagerly awaiting your next not anon message,

- Max/Lo <33

[exlimix1a]

I'm just going to emphasize the fact that you wanted questions. 1) In the Au of Wall-E there are other sun&Moon? (In the movie there were several Eva). 2) Are all humans aware that robots have feelings (or will be)? 3) The kids were able to leave with the reader once they returned to earth? 4) Humans who went to space gained weight? 5) Will we be able to have friendly interactions with Vanessa once Auto (or whoever the evil robot is) is dismantled? (In the movie the captain was very excited about what was involved on earth, imagining Vanessa like that is nice). 5) Do you think the humans who stayed will be able to get along with the ones who came back? After all they left the planet to rot. 6) Is the Eclipse form part of their coding or something that Moon&Sun developed? 7) Do they fly around like Eve? 8) How skilled are they at taking care of plants, or will the reader teach them once they are on earth? 9) Do they have a weakness for children or humans in general? 10) What will Sun and Moon do once the reader passes to another life? She can't live for centuries like the robots. 11) If Vanessa is the captain, does that mean she is kind of the owner of everything related to the fazbear franchise? 12) Will the reader end up with prosthetics or was that just an idea? 13) I understand that there are few animals, many of the large marine and terrestrial or carnivorous animals are extinct, do you think there is a way to revive them? Jurassic Park style, after all they have a lot of technology 13) How did they get water on land? 70% is water, and only 3% of that water is drinkable. 14) Maybe the reader can have dogs and cats once everything gets better? I suppose they are animals cared for by those of high rank so that they don't become extinct or reproduce out of control, and not something they allow youngsters to play with. (This is not for a fic, nope)

GETS BLASTED IN THE FACE WITH THIS ASK. YOU'RE RIGHT I DID WANT QUESTIONS OKAY

This gets long so it's going under a cut!

Not sure!! I think maybe that could be something up to interpretation- they could be unique, but it's also impractical for them to be the ONLY ones when the Earth is so large and they'd need multiple bots out there searching for life.

I think it's something that most humans are unsure of! Most of them still treat Robots kindly though- like looking at your Roomba and giving it a name and treating it like a little Creacher. It's this odd middle ground for the humans on the axiom- this limbo between believing in their sentience and believing that it's just their programming. They would fully learn later on!

I assume you mean the babies on the ship!! I think the nanny bots would still be good with taking care of them but Y/N would probably take them to the human headquarters to learn from experts about the world, it's history, and how to take care of it (and themselves!).

That's something I haven't been sure about! I like the message and themes of humanity becoming something unrecognizable in their generations of carefree dependence on the axiom after abandoning the Earth, but I also don't want to err on the side of fatphobia- I'm unsure of the right call here! Originally I made Y/N shaped like that, completely covered and with clothes like that (laced with metal and poofy) so that Sun and Moon wouldn't initially recognize them as human. Both because there's metal in their clothes and because they don't look like the humans they're used to. I don't want to make the human's physical appearances the butt of any joke, and as a fat woman myself I certainly don't want to make any fat folk feel bad because their bodies are framed as "bad end capitalism, a ridiculous outcome that we Cannot Let Happen." It's tricky! Let me know what y'all think. I could leave it up to you guys too!

Of course! She's not a bad person- she's just as much a victim of Fazcorp as everyone else on the ship. 5.2 (because the numbers are repeated and I don't want this to be confusing!) I think they'll get on just fine! C: It's been hundreds of years since the original humans left the Earth- these people are not their ancestors, and that's understood (though I'm sure their initial attitude is unsure and gruff about it). And to be fair, it isn't completely the original human's fault either. Fazcorp is the one that did it, destroying the Earth and leaving, and a lot of things that needed to happen probably weren't in a typical citizen's control. That isn't to say there's NOTHING they could have done. And I'm sure many tried. But the outcome of "Post-apocalyptic world destroyed by a single monopolizing organization destroying the Earth in their pursuit of money and control" isn't something that happens with Fazcorp coming out with a squeaky-clean moral record. They had their avalanche of illegal, shady activities and deals. And when one company has a monopoly on EVERYTHING? There's little people can do unless they ALL unite together. And they didn't, not in time.

It's not part of their coding! They hadn't ever done it before the scene that I sketched out. It comes out with extreme emotions that are mutual between the both of them- intense stress, anger, panic, etc.

They do!! When Sun-E first arrives, he zooms around and flies much like EVE does C:

Y/N teaches them how to take care of plants! Their original purpose was only to find life and bring it back as proof, but they didn't know a thing about growing plants and keeping them alive at first. Something they and Y/N can bond over!

I'd like to think they do! It may not be programmed into them the same, but I think they like kids. Children are the most likely to treat a robot as a person anyway- humans pack bond easily in general, but children are just generally more open-minded.

ON GOD EVERY TIME THIS THOUGHT COMES INTO MY HEAD I JUST BRUSH IT OFF. YEAH y/n (probably) can't live forever but I'm not sure what comes after! Sun and Moon will have other people in their life to lean on and they'll probably go forward with Y/N in their heart, determined to continue repairing the earth in their name.

Nah, Vanessa's not the owner. Even in the original movie, the captain wasn't someone who was in COMPLETE control- they had surprisingly little control, less than they thought they had. There are other Axioms out there all owned by the enterprise too. Perhaps somewhere out there there's a CEO, but perhaps not. At this point, everything's running on autopilot.

It's an idea I feel really good about! I think it's something I do want to make happen. Now if only I could draw prosthetics well 😔

I do believe they have that technology! When shit started taking a turn for the worst, a lot of scientists did their due diligence in storing the necessary components and DNA to someday revive as many animals as they could down the line. They couldn't get everything, but in time many animals will be able to come back C: 13.2 They have to go through an extensive cleaning process for their water. They may have a machine for it, but I think a lot of it is also manual labor to boil and ensure the water isn't contaminated. They have ways to store a larger amount of water so they can stock up and not have to worry about it every day, but it isn't easy!

Maybe Y/N can have one of the first Dogs/Cats to be revived 👀 like, the animal isn't perfect- it can't reproduce and they still need to flesh out some things. But this animal is here now, and someone needs to take care of it! Now Gregory the Roach has a buddy 😊

[bscully]

Hi! First of all, I wanted to say I really enjoy your analysis of Berserk. Secondly, I wanted to ask, do you engage at all with the Berserk fandom outside of Tumblr? Personally I have found that I can only stomach discussions about Berserk on Tumblr or with friends irl. The takes and humor (constant jokes about SA, specifically at the expense of victims) on Reddit and Discord, for instance, are so rancid. Is SK.net any better, or is it more or less the same as the subreddits? I'm just trying to figure out if there are any online spaces with Berserk discussion that's similarly nuanced to what you see on Tumblr.

Hey there thank you for the ask,

In the beginning I mostly interacted with people here on tumblr. Then the pornban happened and the fandom was really quiet for a while. Nowadays I'm very active on twitter, a rather cozy and welcoming community (also lgbta friendly, from what ive seen) actually formed around my account @/HandOfSchnoz over time. I don't like those SA or Donovan jokes either, majority of them happen at the expense of victims tbh. AFAIK r/Berserk Reddit and official r/Berserk Discord are partially moderated by members of SK.net. You just gotta look at what kind of atmosphere is being accepted/nurtured there and snoop around a little to figure out why I am not active on any of these communities. I was "dogpiled" once by their admins (read: members of SK.net) for doing a mistake on reddit, and they made fun of a particular article too (I wrote it in 2019 and the chapters to come actually solidified it even more). I am not the only one this has happened to, either. These communities are too busy making fun of any new theories and enjoy making fun of the people who come up with them. There is an extreme bias because of this. Also shows how little they actually understand of Miura's work. I entered the fandom in 2017 and I feel like I understood more in this brief time than these communities as collective did in the +10 years they existed.

Nuanced discussion may actually get you in trouble on SK.net. Then again A) I don't have heard good things from it based on hearsay and B) members of their community haven't treated me kindly either, so I am biased. Before I do a recommendation, you should go see for yourself (but brace yourself at the same time, since there is usually a true story to rumors)

There might be other Discord communities that seem to be good, such as the Berserk n Chill server. I only was briefly active on it, but I remember reading some good convos on there. If you're having problems connecting with the right fans, throw yourself out there and make your own community!

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Eighteen)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Seventeen ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ Chapter Nineteen

I remember the first time I really wanted to see New York. I must have been about 12 years old and was watching a random episode of Friends that was on TV. I saw those flashes of the city between one scene and another, and I thought it was amazing, the great stone jungle.

When I turned 16, my dad gifted me with a trip to New York, not because it was my favorite place in the world, but because it was on sale. There were 10 days where the only time I stopped to rest was bedtime. We went to almost every tourist spot, took thousands of photos and it was definitely one of the best trips I've ever been on.

Now, the city that I once wanted to know and live in, like the characters in Friends, felt like a prison. I wasn't there of my own free will or for a truly irrefutable proposal. I was there out of fear and passion, the most dangerous mixture.

I believe that at some point, a few months from now, I'm going to start loving New York, but right now, I can only feel contempt.

I pass through the arrivals gate, looking at those millions of unfamiliar faces, waiting for someone. I'm looking for a sign with my name or the logo of the Hastings Agency.

I find my name in the hands of a boy a little taller than me. Dark hair and fair skin, he needs sun. In an impeccable suit, but fumbling with his cell phone and notepad.

I approach slowly, able to hear his voice, replaying a million things. He said something about waiting for me to arrive and taking me to the hotel. Something about treating me kindly and not asking questions. I stop in front of him with a sympathetic smile, watching him widen his eyes and quickly turn off his cell phone.

“Miss McGonagall, welcome to New York.” he takes my hand, squeezing it and shaking it quickly. “I'm Edward. I will be responsible for your schedule.” I can't control the smile, noticing him nervousness. In other words, he was my Noah.

“Hi! Yeah, you can call me Marnie, that's fine. I prefer, actually.”

“Oh! Of course.” his cheeks turn pink. “Well, I'll drop you off at the hotel to rest and tomorrow at 8:00 am you should be at Valentino's studio for the rehearsal of the new bag collection. At 2:45 pm you should already be at Chanel's studio, they want to take your measurements and do some color and fabric tests for the fashion show at the end of the month. Then, at 5:00 pm, you will participate in the E! podcast, and I believe that after that you will be free for the rest of the day.” he passes it on to me as we head out of the airport.

“OK!” that's all I have to say.

“Sorry if I'm being nosy, but were you the one who required a lot of work for the next two months? I mean, you have a really busy schedule. If you don't want something, I can try to help.” he flips through the calendar while we wait for a car.

“No! It's OK. I was the one who asked. I was down for a while and I need to get back to work.” I give a slight smile, debating. "Hm, was the doctor I asked for by any chance be marked?"

“Yes! Wednesday at 3pm.” he smiles proudly, making me smile too. Edward seems like a nice guy.

We got into a silver car and went to the hotel. Along the way, Edward answers a few calls, closing in on his tasks. I seize the moment and close myself in my own world. I get my cell phone, turning it on and seeing that tsunami of people looking for me. Missed calls, messages, dm on twitter and instagram, everyone looking for me, but not him.

I lock my cell phone, trying to focus my mind on the new beginning I sought for myself. I admire the city through the car window, trying to find a piece of home there. I feel the phone vibrate in my lap with Kyleen's name, but I just decline the call. In seconds, the screen lights up again and several messages come in, I believe they are hers, but I don't even bother to look. I have no courage.

The car stops in front of the Intercontinental, and just like that, Edward jumps out of the car.

“Your loft, unfortunately, is not ready yet. So you're going to have to stay here for a few days.” he explains, heading towards the reception desk.

I stand behind him, taking in the details of the hotel. Before long, I'm entering a room on the 14th floor, with a beautiful view of the city. The bags are left in the small room before the bedroom.

I smile at my new “Noah” showing that everything is perfect.

“Good! I'll let you rest for tomorrow. Anything, these are my phones.” he gives me a card. "And you can call me at any time. I live near here, I will come in a few minutes.”

“Thank you so much, Edward. You are very kind." Again, your cheeks turn pink.

As he heads for the door, I start rummaging through my bags for pajamas.

“Hm, sorry if I'm not being professional right now, but since I believe we'll be working together in the next few months, I imagine a good relationship is essential, so you can call me Eddie.”

I open an even bigger smile, seeing that Eddie was willing to make a friendship, which is perhaps the thing I need most at the moment.

“Thanks, Eddie!” he smiles and this time he walks away, leaving me alone again.

I go back to looking for a more comfortable outfit, ignoring my cell phone blinking on the table as I muted it. I grab my clothes, heading to a shower and stay there for a long time, letting the water take everything.

When I get out of the shower, I pick up the bedroom phone, dialing my mother's number, I don't want to take the risk of answering any of my cell phone calls.

"Hello?" her lost tone makes me smile weakly.

“Hi Mom!”

“Hi, my love. How are you? Marnie, what's going on? Leah came here to say you left without saying goodbye. I called Luke, but he did not answer me and Noah said something about you being to move to New York, you told me it would be just a month.” I cover the phone, not wanting her to hear my cry, letting the tears fall. "Marnie?"

“I'm sorry, Mom.” I can't control my voice and pretend it's okay.

“Honey, what's going on? You can tell me. Mom will help you.” I realize she wants to cry too, and that hurts me more.

“I needed to do this, needed to get away from him.” the revelation comes out before I can see it.

"He who? Luke? Why? I thought everything was fine.” her desperate tone returns.

“I'm sorry I can't talk.” I close my throat, holding back tears. “I just want to let you know that I arrived well and that everything is fine.”

“Fine? Marnie, just look at your voice, your condition. I saw what you did to the apartment. Honey, things aren't fine.” now she was angry.

“Mom, please just trust me. I know what I'm doing.” Do I? I clear my throat, holding back the emotion. “I just wanted to call to say I got okay. Later we'll talk.” I hang up the phone before she asks anything else.

I head to the bathroom, drying my hair. I notice that yesterday's anger is still in me as I can't face my image in the mirror, refusing to look deep into my eyes.

With dry hair, I go back to my room, thinking about taking a nap, since I haven't slept all night and even less on the flight. I close my eyes, trying to focus my thoughts on something else. I think about that taxi I saw earlier, trying to park. Or people crossing the street without looking at the sign. At the cookie shop I want to see.

I manage to evade Luke's, my mother's, John's, and Noah's voices, giving myself more and more to the sleep that finally came. Far away, I hear someone knocking hard on the door, but I ignore it, as I had the same thoughts yesterday morning. But I wake up when the pounding comes back stronger and Leah's voice enters the room.

“Marnie Elizabeth McGonagall, open this shit now before I drop it and you know I'm capable of it.” I leap out of bed, running to the door.

She can’t be here.

I open the door, revealing Leah with perhaps the worst expression I've ever seen in the world. She was furious, if not more so. As she storms into my room without waiting for an invitation, I quickly look down the hall, seeing a couple look at me startled. I smile awkwardly, closing the door.

“What are you doing here?” I question, still not understanding.

"What are you doing here? And without warning anyone. Fading in the morning. Breaking up with Luke. What the fuck was that?” she screams.

For a second, I see that my amnesia was an issue with my plan. By not remembering my friendship with everyone, I really believed that I just left and everything would be fine. I didn't imagine anyone would cross the country for me, to understand what was going on.

And if Leah did it, it's a matter of hours before someone else does. They weren't going to leave me alone, they weren't going to forget me, and they weren't going to let this story pass. I need to push them away, but I don't know how.

"Go on, Marnie. What the fuck is going on? And if you tell me it's a job offer, I swear I'll fly at you without pity or mercy, and I'll slap the truth out.” she cross her arms.

I consider the last option a lot because I know she can do it. But I won't tell her the truth, that's not an alternative. I want to believe that if I don't back off, she'll see I'm not lying and won't attack me. And even if she tries, I just run away, I'm closer to the door and there's an armchair between us.

"But it is what it is!" I shrug.

“Stop it!” she screams. “Stop lying, Marnie. Everyone. Everyone knows you're lying, so why don't you tell the truth?” she waves her hands through the air.

“Because there's no other truth, Leah. Will I have to draw it for you?” I make the same moves she does.

“Be my guest!” she sits on the couch. I sigh wearily. I haven't slept for hours, I'm angry with myself and the world and now that I thought the situation was resolved and I just had to go on with my life, she comes and messes everything up.

“Why are you here?” I stay upright.

“I do not know! It must be cause you went crazy and disappeared without saying anything. Didn't answer my calls, no one had any answers about what was going on. So I took my father's jet and came to resolve this situation and I don't leave here without an answer at least.”

In the same way I laugh at Noah, I laugh at her, thinking it will fix everything. Leah carries the same expression as her brother, neutral, mocking.

“Why did you break up with Luke?” she asks quietly.

The mention of his name makes me shiver. I notice how my stomach turns and try to ignore it. I wonder if I can subtly extract some information from his state, but I don't want her to think I still care about him.

"Cause I wasn't in the mood anymore." I shrug, walking through space.

“My God, you've actually lied better.” I glare at her. “You know you're in trouble here, I know you better than anyone. I know you are lying and that you are going through some difficult situation. I even have my theories. So you're going to have to work a lot harder to trick me or get me out of here.” she cracks a smile, feeling victorious.

"Oh do you have? What are your theories?” I mock her.

“The first is that you really freaked out with amnesia and you can't handle it. The second is that you can't handle your feelings about Luke, it happened once before. And the third is that someone put some shit in your head and made you believe that everything would be better if you were out of the way.” I feel her gaze burning into me, looking for any reaction.

I let out a laugh, not forced, nervous that she got it right. Leah raises an eyebrow.

“You really traveled on your theories. Sorry, none are right.”

As if by magic, the answer appears to me. The only way I was going to get rid of everyone and go through with the plan without a hitch was to make her hate me. Make everyone hate me, just like I did Luke.

Just considering their hate for me makes my heart ache. But I need to do this. For Luke. For the boys. It's for their success.

“You know, a few months ago you were asked to be in a movie and you didn't take it cause you said you were a terrible actress. Isn't that right?” she gets up again. “Noah told me you said you were doing this for Luke, because you loved him. Marnie, what are you trying to hide?” she comes closer.

I feel dirty because of the attitude I'm going to take. It's low, very low, but I need her to hate me.

"Look who talks about hiding." I give a cynical laugh. Leah looks at me confused. "Don't you have anything to tell too?" she still doesn't understand. “You and Kyleen?”

Hastings freezes. The bitter taste of my act starts to fill my mouth. I’m sorry, Leah. I’m so sorry.

“How do you know?” she takes a step back.

"Who do you think closed the bathroom door on Ash's birthday?" I raise my eyebrows.

“Is not the same thing.”

“It isn’t? Aren't you hiding something from all of us?” I force a smile like hers a few minutes ago.

“No! Cause I'm not pushing everyone away, I'm not telling lies. And if you asked me, I would tell you the truth. Deep down, you know why I didn't say anything. You know my dad hasn't accepted Noah yet, that this is a problem in our family, and you know he wouldn't accept me either. You know that deep down I'm trying to protect both of us.”

“Oh! Do I?” I debauchery more. Right now, I feel horrible when I see your eyes water. I'm so, so sorry.

“I know what you're trying to do and I'm not going to stage it.” she walks past me to the door.

"Didn't you want to talk? I am talking.” Leah turns to me, straining the knife I carried in my chest, letting me see her crying face.

“You're trying to make me hate you.” now I'm the one who freezes. She laughs. “See how I know you? You are very predictable, Marnie. And as much as I know of your intention, I will not allow you to reach your goal. I hope that one day, not too far away, you realize what a big shit you're doing.” she opens the door, going. “Oh, and before I forget, since it's meant to hurt. Congrats, since your little chat with Luke, he's been locked in his room, needing Michael to keep an eye on him.” so Leah slams the door and strikes the final blow.

I bite the inside of my mouth, letting the tears fall. Honestly, I didn't even have the strength to hold back anymore. The rage burning inside me gives way to pain. I imagine Luke locked in his room, lying on the bed, hating me. Hating what we had and what we thought we had.

I walk over to my suitcase, pulling out a package, with the photos I'd taken from the box and the little white box he'd given me. I open it, holding the necklace with his name on it, the one he gave me.

Even knowing what I had to do, I wouldn't get rid of this necklace, I don't have the courage. It was easier to buy an equal one and put it in his hand. What he did to me would be kept with me forever.

““Closed eyes.” he fights.

"I have my eyes closed." I rebate. “Lucas…” I chide him, when I feel his lips on the back of my neck.

“Sorry, I got distracted.” I hold back the urge to laugh. “Closed eyes.”

"If you say it one more time, you'll get hit." I threat.

"How, if you can't see me?" right now, the urge to hit him is so strong that I follow the sound of his voice, trying to kick him. “Hey! No rudeness, otherwise you'll be left without a gift.” the false authoritative tone makes me angrier. “Good girl!”

“Go!” I kicked.

I'm startled by the icy touch against my neck. It's a necklace. Eagerly, I touch the pendant, recognizing the shape. He didn't do it.

“You can open it.” his hands move to my hips, hugging me.

With my eyes open, I run my vision to my neck, finding there a necklace just like his but blue.

“Happy Birthday!” he drops a kiss on my cheek.

I hold the blue quartz, seeing Luke's name engraved on the back. I let a stupid smile spread across my face, glaring at my boyfriend with the same.

"Want to explain why we're wearing practically identical necklaces?"

“It's a little obvious. Couples wear rings and I know what a problem you have with rings.”

“It’s not a problem.” I try to defend myself.

“It's just Alzheimer's. You know, in some people, it starts before they're 70 years old.” I hit him, and he laughs, before he hugs me. "Like I was saying, I know you're not into wearing a ring, so since I already had my necklace, I thought you'd have yours. That way we'll always be close to each other's hearts.” I rest my hands on his shoulders, standing on tiptoes.

"Have I told you I love you today?" I whisper, moving closer.

“Not after 5 pm.” he pouted, looking at the clock on the wall.

I don't know how I managed to kiss him with such a stupid smile on my face.

“Why do I like you, huh?” I question, stealing a little kiss.

“Because I'm cheesy and romantic. And even if you deny it, I know you get attached to it.” he opens a victorious smile.

"Don't ever say 'get attached' again." I beg laughing.

"What is it, bae? That was awesome.” he laughs.

“No!” I scream, laughing.

"What is it, babe girl? Don't you stick to my way of get in?” he keeps teasing me.

I place my lips on yours, determined to shut your mouth and thank you that it works. My mental reminder of “we're late for dinner” evaporates when his hands reach under my shirt. I scratch the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

“We're late for dinner.” he says against my mouth as I start to unbutton his shirt.

“Just say the traffic was like hell.” I suggest kissing his neck.

Luke accepts the idea, picking me up and walking me back to the bedroom."

It's not hard to know that we were late for dinner that day. But I didn't care, I had been given a necklace with his name on it, a necklace that showed how our relationship was getting more and more serious.

I also realize that the two times I got this necklace, at least once I ended up in bed with him. In fact, in both, but only one made it to the end.

“I hate myself.” I say tiredly, going to the minibar to get anything containing alcohol that makes me forget everything.

I call the front desk for two bottles of champagne and the biggest snack they have. I pick up the small whiskey bottles, turning one after the other, as if they were shot. I shake my head, wanting the effect to start faster.

“I hate myself. Leah hates me. Kiki must hate me now too. Just like Noah and everyone else there. Everybody hates me.” I turn the last one over, shaking my head once more. “Luke hates me. Hates me too much.” I comment, hugging the pillow.

I pick up a Polaroid of ours, staring at our happiness marked there. What am I doing?

I throw my head in my hands, lost. I wonder what might happen if I crawl into bed and don't go out for the rest of the month. Probably more people will hate me, but who doesn't hate me now? I mean, just get in line.

Awakened from the thought, when someone knocks on the door. For a second, I wonder who it was, then remember I ordered room service. I walk to the door, feeling the weight of the six small bottles.

My stomach churns and I feel an overwhelming urge to vomit as I land my eyes on the redhead in front of me. Red-haired?

"Bethany?"

[lemony-snickers]

I'm the Anon that asked about limits and I want to say: fuck that other anon. If you had that attitude in real life in bed with another person as they're telling you their hard limits on their kinks and you went ahead and did something anyways because 'itll eventually get boring' THATS ASSAULT MY FRIEND. Fuck off with that attitude.

Writers can easily push themselves within their own limits. And the writing is never the same. You can write twenty different breeding scenarios with the same two characters and I can promise you it'll come out different every single time. You really think that writers don't notice when something they wrote for story A feels a little too similar to something they are writing for story C? You really don't think that this isn't something that runs through every writers mind as they're writing? Of course it is. And if you don't appreciate what's being written here, then as the author so kindly said: you can leave.

This is about a mutual respect from reader to author. The authors don't owe us ANYTHING. They're doing a kindness out of their hearts by sharing their big beautiful thoughts in those big beautiful brains of theirs. You should learn to treat it as such you entitled prick.

Also lemony, if you choose not to publish this because it's too intense or vulgar or something, I understand, but I just wanted to tell them off as the original person who made that request because that show of entitlement was just disgusting and appalling.

Have some love that you deserve: <3333

- Switch Anon (I didn't sign off as last time but this is what I usually go by).

👏👏👏

HELLO SWITCH ANON. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

also, i think i'm maybe a little bit in love with you because this is an epic and wonderful ask, lol.

first of all, i'd like to say, thank so much for reaching out to me about those kinks and providing me the opportunity to think about and discuss some of the things i'm uncomfortable writing. i really appreciate your thoughtfulness. <3

and for anyone else with questions about what i will or won't write that i maybe haven't addressed, my ask box is always open. all i ask in return is that you respect any limitations i may have just as i would respect yours if our situations were reversed!

thank you to everyone who's been so cool and great, which is like 99.9% of y'all. and to that one anon, i hope that maybe you can learn a little bit about how you might be able to better approach this topic in the future. <3

[muwi-translates]

Collar x Malice Short Story: Inside the Box

Christmas Shiraishi-centric short story.

HEAVY SPOILERS. Only read this AFTER you have finished the first game.

**Please don’t move this translation or claim it as your own.**

Generally speaking, the thing called ‘Memories’ is not clear.

Unlike memory as information, it has no fixed form. Its content can depend on the person.

Sometimes sad memories turn into hatred, and happy memories sometimes turn into delusions.

The human brain can't be trusted. It can automatically rewrite itself for its own benefit.

I, who did not require ‘Memories’ —— surely it is the same for Shiraishi Kageyuki the human.

◇ ◇ ◇

This was when I lived in the ‘Facility’.

Every day, every minute and every second, I lived like a machine.

For me, who knew how to suppress pain and happiness as soon as I understood how, all I had was ‘Curiosity’.

The vast amount of knowledge grew with each passing day. Memories of the outside world were written in letters. Like events of a distant world, even the difficult to read special books were simply ‘Unknown Stories’ to me.

I thought that my desire to know things defined my personality. However, when I think about it now, it may have been a desire planted in me as part of my training. Training to become a perfect doll.

"Christmas. The festival celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, coming from the word "Christ mass", it takes the form of many activities in Japan—...”

Inputting information was simple. However, I was also trained how to ‘Use Memory’. If a huge amount of information stayed on the surface of the brain, it will become confused, so if it is not necessary, there was no need to take out the memory sealed in the deeper layers.

(Gifts are put under a tree, and you gather with your family around the dinner table…)

Perhaps this information will also be stored in a box that is rarely retrieved from.

Of course I knew the basics, it was only carefully investigated because it was related to other information.

(Giving love to each other...for what...?)

The outside world is full of as many far-fetched, mysterious customs as mountains. If you had questions about everything, it would only make the processing slower. But this time, I was not sure why I was so interested in this subject.

"Are you interested in Christmas?"

——Suddenly hearing a sound coming from behind, my shoulders moved unconsciously.

Points are deducted if you are seen reacting. I immediately pretended to be calm and looked back, only to see an unfamiliar face.

“Your hand, it’s been paused on this page for a while now.” 

What peered at me was a pair of eyes full of serenity, transparent no matter where you looked — like glass balls.

"No, I'm very sorry. I memorised it without any problems."

"I’m not blaming you for anything. I know you have good scores here."

He was a high-ranking person who has inspected this ‘Facility’ many times. 

But his appearance did not match his position, with his youthful face. He appeared to be younger than me.

I remembered his name, because it was necessary for me to do so.  —Mikuni Rei. He was a human who worked with those who ‘control’ us.

“I’m interested why you, someone that’s like a precision machine, showed interest in ‘that’, that’s all.”

"I didn't become interested... I just had questions."

"Like?"

“......”

What was the meaning of his response? Was I being tested, or was he being whimsical? Either way, I had no right to not reply.

"Why do humans, who aren’t related to that religion, choose to give each other love on that day? What for?”

"...I think there are many other things similar to it but..."

"Yes. But... after reading this information, I think for the average person, this part seems to be more special than others."

As I finished speaking, he— Mikuni Rei’s eyes became slightly dim for some reason. Careful observation of the facial expression can lead to an answer.

【Pity】

A boy in the ruling class felt compassion for a stray cat trapped in a box.

A sense of superiority, a desire for control, and empathy. There were many times where I wanted to give it a name, but it was difficult to understand because I was immature.

"Human feelings... cannot be explained by theory alone. If you feel special, it must be because it touches your heart.... If the other person is the object of your envy and admiration, they are not bound by rights or wrongs."

Thoughts continued to sound as the words continued.

If ‘we’ have feelings for a particular thing, in his viewpoint, it is not a good thing. However, he agreed.

“Why do you treat me like a human?”

“Eh?”

Asking questions is normally prohibited. But now my curiosity had prevailed. This was a serious error. There should be no more curiosity beyond the rules.

"You said these things about a pawn, things impossible to explain with theory."

"...You are right. I don't know why. It's just..."

 After speaking, his bewildered gaze stayed on me, and then he spoke unwaveringly.

 "Number 14. I... don't want you to be unhappy."

...At that time, he smiled.

But what kind of smile it was— I can’t remember.

Pitiful? Loathing? Hateful? Kindly? 

I don’t remember. I can't remember.

Because it's stored in a box that can't be taken out, deep and deep inside.

◇ ◇ ◇

In my dream, someone is calling my name.

 “————Shiraishi-san.”

Did I always have this human-sounding name? I want to lie and tell myself that this is true.

But it's impossible. Even my name, which was supposed to be just a code, has become so dear to me.

“Oi, Okazaki! There’s no room for you here for dinner!”

"How mean. But it's okay, I'll eat some from Mineo-san’s.”

“It’s NOT okay! No one told you to come!”

“I’m sorry, Enomoto. ...I was the one who called Okazaki here today.”

“Geh! Yanagi-senpai?! When did you fall this guy’s wily ways—!?”

"His voice was so loud we heard it from inside, obviously he’ll attract attention. Yanagi-san probably didn’t want to disturb the neighbors."

“Yanagi-san let me in when I kept saying ‘I’m so cold… I’m so lonely…’, fufu, he’s so nice.”

“So you just left Yoshinari outside? Talk about pitiful…”

“I'll bring him a souvenir later. It's food that Yanagi-san and Ichika-chan made together. It'll definitely be delicious."

“I don’t know if it’ll suit your tastes but… Ah, but Yanagi-san’s food, I promise it’ll move you! It’s definitely not inferior to food you’ll find at high-end restaurants.”

"Why does the stupid cat look so proud?"

"It looks good thanks to Hoshino being particular about the arrangement."

“Yanagi-senpai…! I’m getting a little jealous watching you two compliment each other, please stop it!!”

Ah, so noisy. Completely unproductive dialogue. There’s no calculation and no falsity, the boring everyday that I like.

When did I get used to this warmth and treat it as part of my everyday?

While I was thinking in a daze, Ichika-chan reached out to me.

“Shiraishi-san, come here. The party has already begun."

——Party?  ……Is that so? Has it started?

"These were all made with everything we had. Let's have a good meal today."

 ——Fufu, as usual, Yanagi-san takes care of others like this.

“......Though I really don’t understand what’s so good about a bunch of us adults coming together.”

 ——Although that was what Sasazuka said, he also stayed behind to join in.

"Hey, don't stand there in a daze! You’re the protagonist today!"

 ——Hm? Did Enomoto-kun just call me ‘you’?

“I heard Ichika-chan is giving you a present, right?” 

——Even Okazaki is here… Fufu, he must have come in by force.

"Yes. It’s a wonderful gift I prepared with everyone."

I took a box from Ichika-chan who was smiling as she spoke.

I felt strange rather than happy. I was looking right at Ichika-chan, instead of looking down.

Yanagi-kun patted my head, and it also seemed to feel very big. No, maybe it's because I have shrunk.

Thin limbs, short hair. I am the same age as when I talked to ‘Him’ about Christmas.

(Ah. Is this… a dream?)

It seems I dream too much at Christmas.

"But Ichika-chan. I haven't prepared a gift."

"No, Shiraishi-san. We’re...returning you what you gave us."

“...? What I gave you?”

 "Yes. You gave us… a lot. It's only natural that we want to return the favour."

“I see… so this is what it means… to exchange gifts…”

"Yes. We want to share it, because we cherish each other. Please open it, and take a look."

“Okay.”

I slowly opened the box, and inside was——、

 ◇ ◇ ◇

When I opened my eyes, I saw a familiar scenery.

This was their base, called the ‘Detective Agency’. It also became a place I could feel comfortable as well. 

“Ah, Shiraishi-san, you’re awake?”

A pair of eyes I seem to always see somewhere, someplace, were looking at me. Crystal clear—like glass balls. 

“Ichika-chan…? Ah, huh? Where’s... the present box…?” 

"? Fufu, it's rare to see you half-awake. If you sleep in a place like this, you’ll catch a cold. Are you going to the office to stay overnight?"

I realized the reality as my consciousness gradually returned from my awakening. 

That’s right. The collar—in order to protect herself from those who had declared to ‘pick her up’, she had taken refuge here with her brother.

The deadline announced by Adonis was approaching soon. In order to make her forget this fact temporarily, I had been talking to them about Christmas. When I thought about the gift she gave—and the only gift I could make, I fell asleep.

(Truly... the ‘Heart’ is so difficult to understand. I… must have been scared to have a dream like that.)

 —Everything will end soon.

That smile of his I had gently stored away was blacked out. 

The contents of the boxes I had received from her and everyone had been badly damaged and dirtied.

But I decided not to regret it, even if I was scared or in pain.

Because I got the most precious gift in the world.

"Ichika-chan...Thank you."

"Eh?"

"You taught me my first Christmas, right? So, thank you."

"What are you talking about? The real fun starts from now on."

"...Fufu, yeah."

In a few days, we won’t be able to greet Christmas as we promised. Regardless of what happens, it will only make you sad.

Even if I understand that, I want to see it. I don't want to give up. I want to make my wish come true.

 This is certainly not a sad story.

I, who had received such a present, could not be unhappy. 

Even if I get it dirty with my own hands, this warmth will not disappear.

There’s no reasoning. It’s because I’m human. ...Because I am special.

A shining, sparkling gift for me, who was supposed to be called Number 14.

An opened box filled to the brim with tender memories.

[halloowqueen]

Steff didn't even open his mouth to say anything at first, because he didn't know what it was he would even say, or attempt to. There had been cases in the past, though few and far between, where he had found himself at the end of someone's fist, but it never had before been a girl. He liked to pride himself on the fact that she would be smacked right back, if anyone of the opposite gender did go swinging for him, but he stilled and contemplated that for a moment. She was dainty, fragile and had tears in her eyes.

The male figured it best to just not even offer any verbal backlash either, but turning a little to walk away from the situation, he found her stepping right in front of him with a look on her face indicating she wasn't done yet. He bristled a little because he couldn't entertain scenarios like this and actually withstand it for long; he wasn't aggressive, in spite of his ability to cause such an emotion in the people around him.

“ —you apologise right now, ” Penny keps her gaze on him, eyes filled with fury as she had witnessed his complete lack of disrespect for the seemingly timid girl who walked down the street alongside where they stood some moments before.

“ I don't know if you noticed, but she's gone, ” he scoffed his response, agitated that it was being prolonged to such a degree and for no good reason given the other girl had since scurried off away from where they were hanging out outside Wendy's. They both had shakes and burgers, yet Steff seemed to make a comment on the girl's weight and her own bag of food, remarking that is was too large a portion.

“ She's right over there in the parking lot, Steff, go apologise, ” she wasn't going to let him get away with it that easy, especially as that was a very poor excuse to get out of it and he had probably never once in his life apologised to anyone for anything. She was very familiar with his bullshit attitude and how he thought he was holier than thou. It enraged her and she never once turned a blind eye to those suffering.

Steff might have befriended her over recent months as she was new to the school and she might appreciate the similarities between them, but that certainly wasn't one of them. Her blood was boiling the longer he stood there acting like nothing was wrong, no matter the look in her eyes telling him he was a piece of shit.

“ You go over there right now and tell her you're sorry and mean it, ” Penny is furious with his childlike behaviour and makes it very known, as she steps forward again and notices how he stumbles back ever so slightly. He probably thinks she's going to have another strike at him, but she isn't; she can't believe she did it the first time, but after too many failed attempts at watching the guy treat people like shit, she's done.

“ I'm not apologising for what's true, alright? She shouldn't have bought such a portion if she didn't want at least one of us to say something about it. Go home to your daddy, Penny, I'm done hanging with you for today, ” Steff grimaces in her direction and turns away from her then, wiping his cut lip against his thumb and grunting his displeasure of the way that's going to impact his overall look, at least for a few days.

Her eyes soon fill with tears at the corners and she blinks them away, inhaling deeply to try and smooth over the situation before she, herself, walks over to the other girl and offers a very gentle, apologetic smile. Eyes are still glazed over slightly with upset that her friend had caused, but she does her best to offer the girl kind words and even a friendly gesture of a hug to make up for the unbeliavable insult.

After a few words more and a clasp of the affected girls hand, she smiles and lets her know he won't be bothering her again. They all seemed to go to the same school, but Penny would be ever-watchful of who Steff interacted with in such a vile manner from now on because she was so hurt for the poor girl, so much so she even felt the sting of his words herself and that had sent her into such a volatile spin of emotions, hence the reason she had lashed out and actually punched him in the face.

“ You're a dick, ” she mutters in his direction as she passes him along the street as he had walked a fair distance from Wendy's by now, but in her hurry to get back home so the sky doesn't darken prior to her arrival, she walks at a fast enough pace to pass him by as she goes. Her heels click against the sidewalk in her haste before a hand yanks her right back and forces her frame against a nearby wall.

“ You're a bitch, don't see me complaining. You need a ride home? ” somehow, even in his complete asshole take on his surroundings, he still offers her security. He can see how reluctant she is to accept the invitation, too, but for a moment he says nothing.

Penny shrugs his arm out of her way and tries to continue walking down the street, as though she doesn't need his charity and can very easily find her own way home safely and without needing to dig around in her purse for the pepper spray her father always told her to keep on hand. She fumbles through it a little while longer as she walks in a less than straight line, frightened now and still riled from the incident before. Steff is hot on her heels though as she goes, snapping at her now as he tells her to get in the damn car, as its just a few more feet away from where they are at present.

“ Leave me alone, Steff. I can find my own way back.. I just.. need my spray, ” she's all kinds of frantic now as she picks up the pace a little more and surpasses his porsche, not even glancing up at it to consider the possibility of a ride from such a jerk but tears fill her eyes once again when she realises she clearly did not pack her pepper spray.

Steff is right on her heels again, neglecting his own car in favour of doing a little jog to catch up with the highly frazzled female who no more than ten minutes ago punched him and gave him a bloody lip. He manages to trap her between himself and the wall again before she can walk any further, clanking away in those white heels of hers and tearing up as she rummages through her purse looking worse for wear. He actually gives a shit and that's entirely new to him, so he takes a few fleeting seconds to process it.

“ You haven't got it, sweetheart, don't burden yourself. Just get in the car, alright? ” he seems to say this in a bit of a huff, challenging his usual motive of not giving a damn, which in actuality he should be more annoyed that he is given what she did to him, but somehow he turns a new leaf in that moment, even if it only lasts until she's home.

Penny lifts her gaze to look up at him, doe-eyes searching his for any sign or indication that he is going to give her a hard time just like that girl, but she doesn't see malice. An almost calm washes over her previous fear and panic, replacing her frustration with him as well for a time as she very slightly nods her head to approve. Steff doesn't move right away, though, keeping one of his arms outstretched with his hand on the wall right at her side. She isn't trapped by any means, but she doesn't move away.

“ What? You going to give me some bullshit too cause I'm upset? Honestly, I thought it might be a good thing to befriend you and see if I can impact your lifestyle, but I can't see that happening. You're just not willing to.. ” she's cut off very suddenly, her words swallowed in her throat and her eyes bugging so much she fears they will be removed from their sockets and she fights to catch a breath, but she can't.

Steff is kissing her, his lips cushioning the onslaught of insults she was going to spring on him before he put a stop to it and even he doesn't quite know why. A kiss wasn't the best method of shutting someone up, especially if they annoyed the absolute hell out of you, smacked you in the face, continued to harass you with their bitching and didn't accept the invitation you so kindly offered in making sure they got home in one piece, yet here they were. It crossed his mind to stop, so he did, but he took his time.

“ Get in the car, Penny, ” he simply says, inhaling much needed air as she did the same and simply blinked at him stupidly until he snapped his fingers in front of her and she jumped to life, almost tripping over her heels as she walked back to his car and he was in step right behind her to make sure she didn't take off yet again.

[babbushka]

I love your writing so much, I want to start there. The way you write Pale and Flip especially, but Clyde and Charlie as well.

I've been feeling very down on myself lately, self conscious of what someone would think of me. I was just wondering if you have any thoughts. You're always so uplifting.

I haven't had a partner in three years so no one has ever seen me the way I am now. Mainly, I've gained a little weight and I've stopped waxing myself, going au naturale. I kind of like it, but I'm always so worried about a future partner seeing and feeling me.

The rational brain says, if an adult can't handle body hair, you don't want them anyway. But the anxious brain doesn't feel so confident.

Im sorry if this is way too much, I just always love your advice. Im so glad you're back sharing with us❤

Hello my dear anon! Thank you very much for the kind words about the writing! First may I just say you are not alone in having these thoughts or these feelings. Especially lately, with how the shift in all our lives have gone with the pandemic, many people’s bodies have undergone changes in the last 7 months alone that make them anxious. 

Bodies are going to change. That’s what they do! They adapt to the circumstances around them, we do not exist inside vacuums, and we shouldn’t be expected to. It’s a vicious cycle of systemic misogyny, how we suddenly feel as though we’re “letting ourselves go” when in reality, our bodies are simply changing. There’s nothing wrong with that, there’s nothing at all to be ashamed of for that. 

Still, it’s hard to look away from that mentality when it’s something that’s been so heavily pushed on us our entire lives. I know it is, believe me, I’ve struggled with it my entire life lol. The thing that has dramatically helped me, and this is just my own personal experience, is to be wholly and completely unapologetic about the way I look. 

I used to wear clothes that were two sizes too big, I used to only wear black, I used to never look in the mirror or be in photos, because it made me too anxious to see just how far outside the ‘ideal body type’ I was. And it wrecked my brain because all it did was reinforce that negative mindset that I was something that needed to be hidden away, minimized. 

And after a while, I realized that not only is that just so damaging for my mental health, but it only perpetuates that misogynistic belief that we are only worthy of love, attention and care when we fit the very narrow ideal. And really, what good was that doing? I was doing more harm to myself than good, and reinforcing that negativity in a way that was bigger than just me. Seeing children learn those behaviors from the adults around them, young girls wanting to hide themselves away because they watched their mothers and grandmothers do it, really snapped me out of that. I didn’t want to be a person that, through my actions, passed down that negativity to the next generation. 

So, I started wearing clothing that actually fit me and felt comfortable in a way that I hadn’t before, that showed off my body in all her glory. I wore colors and patterns that made me happy, I allowed myself to take up the space in the world that I was already taking up! I began paying attention to the most neglected parts of my body, my stomach and my thighs and my arms, I began to show them love by touching them, looking at them, recognizing that they are me and that is good. 

I started taking selfies and sending them to my friends, posting them to my social media, for the sole purpose of reinforcing that I am here, and I have a presence, and my presence is not and should not be an unwelcome one. It took time, a lot of time, but eventually you get to a point where you have to come to terms with your body. This is the only one that we get, and it works so hard to keep us going, it deserves to be shown love no matter what it looks like. 

As for the whole thing about worrying what a partner might think, I’m of the same opinion that you are -- if my future partner has an issue with women living and existing however they please, then they’re out of the running altogether. But you’re right, the anxious side of the brain will always worry because we have been so trained to fear the judgement of others for falling outside the socially acceptable “standard” for how women should look. 

The best piece of advice that I have in that regard, is that to be honest, if you’re presenting yourself authentically to the world, then the people who love you know what you look like, and love you anyway. And if you haven’t had a partner in a couple years, and your body has changed over the course of those years, that’s okay! What matters isn’t how you looked then, but how you look now. Bodies are always going to change, and who knows, in another three years you may look completely different. But if someone is interested in being with you, they are going to be interested in the current you, the present you. Not how you may have looked years ago, and not what you might hypothetically look like years down the road. 

You’re beautiful, my dear anon. You know how I know? Because you’re here. That’s an incredible feat, being here. Your body has changed and grown and moved so much to make you into the you that you are. That’s a beautiful thing. How boring would it be if we all looked the same? How dull would life be, if we all were the same size and shape, had the same features, walked talked laughed cried the same? Our beauty comes from the fact that there is no one else on the planet like us, like you. 

Please don’t apologize, I’m always happy to share my thoughts with anyone who may want to hear them. We are so conditioned to feel shame and embarrassment for the simple human act of being vulnerable, and I want everyone to know that if nowhere else, you do not have to feel as if your feelings are a burden here. I’m sending you all my love and I hope that this weekend treats you kindly! 

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Summertime on Netflix

This is what I’m gonna do... I’ll be doing more structured reviews later and most likely liveblogging suggested stuff and tagging with “Nesha Watches (Insert Title) for all liveblog posts. For this first review, I won’t be as structured, because I didn’t really plan on reviewing, so this is basically all of my comments to friends @chenoahchantel and @daintyurbanprincess that were made whilst I was watching this show suggested to me by @rbaifzau 

It didn’t take me long to be annoyed with the white boy in this show. It doesn’t take much anyways, but one episode in and I’m over him already. This dude saw her at a party, she got pushed into the pool accidentally, he gave her a dry shirt, and two minutes later tried to kiss her… TF..  

Girl, this bout to be IGNANT...

Chile... She was like, "What are you doing?" And he looked surprised. Like whet. And in episode 2 after having seen her thrice and spoken to her once, he telling his best friend, "I'm pretty sure I like her a lot." I HATE stuff like this. Why did I tell old girl I'd watch this and discuss it with her? 😭

But she like him, so like??? 😭

And her daddy, who we haven't seen yet is presumably a rolling stone. Only one negro in this town and the nigga gotta be probably running around on his wife? 🙄 I'm like, OH, so the one Black man in the show gotta be a rolling stone? And even though his wife is also highly irresponsible as a parent, she's sort of made out to be the victim of his dreams. They never portray Black mothers doing things on their own as victims. That woman was messing up left and right and it's all on her husband not being there, when that's only part of the problem.

Also, if she IS the only present parent and made the decision to do that, she should be doing it instead of leaning on Summer all of the time. 

And she got a close friend that have an obvious crush on her but she seems oblivious. I hate dis

This dude reminds me of Max Theriot. He always looked musty to me. 🤣🤣🤣 He look like him breaf stank. Him and Jack Griffo were working on something where they play soldiers and I absolutely said, "He still look like he stank" when I saw him on Instagram…

This is basically the same mold of dude and it looks moldy and should be tossed out. None for me, thanks.

But, there are moments in this show that's really cracking me up. 🤣🤣🤣 It's like, I feel like I should enjoy it for the messiness of it, but the main characters can be infuriating.

She called him an asshole and he said, "You don't even know me." No duh dipshit. She ain't know you when you tried to kiss her neither. NOR when you was talmbout you like her. 

This girl kissing her friend!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. She's gonna hurt this boy! My Gwad. He finna be discombobulated. 😭😭😭 He all happy today and she don't even see him like that. Lordt.

He walked up and she look uncomfortable AF. Her younger sister is like, "You're being weird." 🤣🤣🤣 Even SHE hip to something. He on the beach talmbout "It's hot today, don't you think?" And took his shirt off. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I like Summer's friends and feel bad for them because she really didn't treat them kindly. She used Edo whenever she was upset by Ale and then she just completely ditched Sofie on her birthday and didn't even text her or anything. Just had her waiting on her and didn't even apologize. Like, I love that she gets a chance to be human, but being an asshole to the people who you're supposed to be friends with is such an upsetting trope to me.

And the connection between her and Ale is so weird. He comes across as super predatory in the beginning and I don't understand why she liked him in the first place, but also whenever he does something by mistake, she is so angry at him, even though she's been just as inconsiderate when it comes to her friends.

NOW... HE HARASSING HER AT HER JOB. 

WOTTICE DIS HUNNY??? 

Talmbout if she got a boyfriend he'll "take care of him" 😖 After she told him to leave and he said he'd wait for her outside, she asked her coworker, "What do you do to let a guy know you like him back?"

NOW, she went outside and he's there, but her friend showed up to surprise her after work. 🤣 Whoever made this HATES me

He stole a book out her locker and left a card with his phone number. How is this the start of a romance???

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. FRIEND IS TALKING ABOUT THE KISS...He said it was perfect........

Chile... And she don't even wanna tell their other best friend. Bruh. He said, "What we have doesn't need to be discussed." Summy PLEASE tell this young man...HE TRIED TO KISS HER AGAIN AND SHE SAID, "We just talked about last night's mistake" 😭😭😭

And she done hurt my friend this way, but she worried about Maxface because his mama can't reach him on the phone??? Girl.. go.. girl...

The gag is that she got mad at Ale because she saw him talking to his ex and she had to cover for him at work, but you've now ACTUALLY put your best friend in a bad space. And he ran into her mom and little sister and looked so uncomfortable but kept it short and sweet. These are people he loves. Idk. I feel bad for him and also like she kind of a hypocrite.

That was what REALLY bothered me. I don't expect her to be perfect, by all means. Black girls should be allowed their imperfections and their mistakes, but the fact that she knows what it's like to have the people you love be so absent and that she would treat her friends this way because of one guy who she's only known for a couple of months was disappointing for her character. She could have been written imperfectly without this glaring problem that I don't believe a real person in her position would actually have. 

I think in real life, the girl who raises her sister and basically has to lift her mother up all the time would overextend herself to her friends, but instead, she just leaves them in her dust as soon as she gets some dick. 😭

He is now hanging out with her little sister. 😭😭😭She goes to school with them but she looks tiny. I'm cringing at everything.

BRUH. Like... I can't tell if they're trying to or not, but I wouldn't be surprised because he's cool with the sister too, but they've been friends a while, so I didn't think much of it until Summer hurt him.I thought she liked him earlier, so idk if he is noticing her or I just EXPECT it. 

OAN, this man realized his son had a motorcycle accident on purpose and got mad instead of concerned

At one point, they say he's been riding bikes for 20 years, and whenever his father is mad that he had his accident on purpose (which I'll come back to) he says that he's never made a mistake like that, not even was he was 4, so Ale is AT LEAST 24 and she JUST turned 18. Which is WILD to me, even though at 18 I dated someone who was 23 (he was possessive and abusive, so I have a real suspicion of age gaps). 

But, aside from that - she gets mad at him any time she sees him with his ex when It is perfectly fine to speak with your ex and whenever she did see them together, it was always innocent and she didn't give him a chance to explain.

But then, when he does something questionable, like whenever he tried to kiss her the first day they met, or whenever he came to her job to ask her out and she told him to leave but he said he was going to wait outside (toxic AF and presumptuous) she is fine with those things.

Now, back to Ale's accident. I really felt so bad for him whenever we discover he did this on purpose, because his father is mad, when they should be concerned. His mother says, "You could have died" and he agrees...

How did they not notice that meant that this young man was so disappointed with his life as a biker that he was literally suicidal? They just grazed past it and whenever he vanished on them, there wasn't a huge call to find him,even though he'd just admitted to purposefully filling a possibly fatal mistake.

I'm prepared for nothing but disappointment. ALL these people outta there. Ale's best friend is in love with his ex. 😭 IT'S SUMMER'S 18TH BIRTHDAY. MYNIGGA She really stood her other best friend up to go get some dick on a little ass boat

The little sister shot her shot! 😭😭😭 He told her she's like his little sister and she burnt off mad denna muffugga

This child drunk, walking down the street in the middle of the night without her glasses...

OMG AS I WAS TYPING THAT SHE GOT HIT BY A DAMN CAR

I was really upset by these things coming to light, and also whenever Blue gets hit by a car, because all of the reviews that I've seen on this site have been that it's a cute love story with likable characters, but nobody mentions the problematic content, the dark portions of the story that can be triggering - like suicide and alcohol incidents and literally seeing a young Black girl be hit and run by a car??? 

I wasn't prepared for that shit in a "cute love story." I think that this story is less cute and more dark than people have made it out to be, and that's one of my problems with it. It isn't marketed as a dramatic coming of age story. It's marketed as a romantic comedy, when it is more serious than that and has a lot of issues that should be considered.

The lesbian best friend is in love with her too??????????????????? I. Hate. This.

My favorite person in this whole thing is the lesbian in the background, Irene. And also Dario.

I was entertained a lot of the times. Just heavily confused because I couldn't figure out what the tone was supposed to be. 😁

In conclusion - it's maybe a dark comedy, not a cute comedy, IS a coming of age about a young Black girl who is kind of an asshole, but Black girls should be free to be assholes too. White dudes do it all the time and are valued characters. The dude is weird AF for chasing around this 17 year old girl and he's in his 20s. Idk if that's normal in Italy. It's nasty to me. Their beginning is young people foolishness and there's not much that we see their relationship built upon, but that happens, yanno. You young, tired and silly and some pushy dude makes his move whenever he see you. Slap some discount sex in a dinghy on it and you have this show. I don't recommend it, but a lot of folk loved it, so I guess it did what it meant to do.

[saibugs]

OC Interview!

Choose an OC

Answer them as that OC

Tag 5 people to do the same!

Thank you for tagging me @commonwealthhero ! I tag... @thecosmicsleep @synthpathiser @merrowench and anyone else who sees this! 🖤🖤

1. What is your name?

My name is Nuke. It used to be T7-86.

2. Do you know why you're named that?

Mother Isolde believed I was a gift from Atom himself, because I appeared to them in the middle of the crater in the Glowing Sea.

3. Are you single or taken?

Taken. I would have it no other way.

4. Do you have any powers or abilities?

I'm naturally immune to radiation. Well... could you consider it natural, considering most if not all synths are?

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

Please don't be so rude.

6. What's your eye colour?

I believe it's grey.

7. How about your hair colour?

-squints- Your eyes appear to work fine, but regardless, my hair is green.

8. Have any family members?

Technically speaking, all synths are related, and are 'fathered' by the leader of the Institute. But no. I don't believe I have any 'direct' family members.

9. Oh? How about pets?

Pets were not given to synths in the Institute, and I don't have any out here. They could not survive the radiation of the Sea when I lived there.

10. That's cool, I guess. Now tell me something you don't like?

I don't much like the Brotherhood of Steel. I recognise that they have some good values, but...

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies you like to do?

I... I do not believe so, no.

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

Simply out of necessity.

13. Ever... killed anyone before?

Of course I have. They have tried to kill me, so I've defended myself.

14. What kind of animal are you?

I'm a synth, not an animal.

15. Name your worst habits?

Monotony, and perhaps I'm too blunt at times. Or outspoken.

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?

Only to Atom. And Preston.

17. Are you gay, straight, or bisexual?

I'm afraid I don't understand. I'm just... me. I haven't a clear understanding of sexual orientation yet.

18. Do you go to school?

I tried for Courser Training once, does that count? Otherwise, no.

19. Ever want to marry and have kids one day?

I do. However, I'm not sure I can have any biological kids, but even so Preston and I would have to adopt. And there's nothing wrong with that.

20. Do you have any fangirls/fanboys?

I'm afraid I don't understand.

21. What are you most afraid of?

It's somewhat of a tie between the Institute and the Brotherhood of Steel.

22. What do you usually wear?

My undersuit and my armour, plus my blue scarf.

23. What's one food that tempts you?

I don't really have a favourite food, so nothing.

24. Am I annoying to you?

You are.

25. Well, it's still not over!

-sighs- Alright.

26. What class are you (low/middle/high)?

I'm not sure classes exist, these days.

27. How many friends do you have?

Well, I have Preston, and Mrs MacCready--sorry, you'd call her Cristina. Other than that, I don't have many friends, but I'm always up for making them.

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

Pie...? What, like those perfectly preserved ones? Disgusting.

29. Favourite drink?

I don't have one.

30. What's your favourite place?

Anywhere Preston is.

31. Are you interested in anyone?

My partner, obviously.

32. That was a stupid question...

While that may be true, you can be forgiven for asking.

33. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

I'd rather not swim at all. But certainly I'd choose a lake.

34. What's your type?

Anyone who treats me kindly, but also someone who'll never give up. Despite everything that's happened to them.

35. Any fetishes?

I'm sorry?

36. Camping or outdoors?

Outdoors. I like looking at the stars.

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

20 - You’re Finally Mine

This chapters songs:

I Follow You; Melody's Echo Chamber

Hot Rod; Dayglow

My Jinji; Sunset Rollarcoaster

- Y. L. Perspective

I let out a low groan, attempting to stretch out my arms and legs. But when I touched Koshi's, I remember that we were latched onto each other. Throughout the night, I hadn't imagined that sleeping with him would be so peaceful. His gentle hands holding me against him, the way a simple hum would run vibrations throughout his chest, and best of all: being able to look at such a lovely face to wake up to.

He pays my back gently, followed by his gentle voice. "Y/n? Are you awake?"

I open my eyes slightly to peek at him. A very bright sun ray showered his grey hair and fair skin. "Hm? Yes, I am now." Shoving my face back into his chest, I sigh. "What time is it?"

"It's ten. I'm sorry for waking you, but Isao is wondering if you want breakfast," Koshi explains briefly.

I blink a few times to refresh my mind, nodding slightly. Was his brother serious about making our food? That was something I hadn't experienced in a while. I usually made things for myself or ate leftovers for breakfast.

After Koshi dismisses his little brother, he proceeded to pat my back as if I were falling back asleep. "How did you sleep? I hope I wasn't bothering you all night," he asks me.

"Pretty good. I was very comfortable." A smile appeared on my face without any effort. I trail my fingers across his collarbone under his t-shirt, thankful that my first night with Koshi was as calming as sleeping through the rain. "What about you?"

I was hoping that I hadn't kicked him or done something embarrassing while I was asleep. The risk was a high percentage, especially since I'd spent the night mostly laying on his chest.

But Koshi didn't say much. He only gave me a very warning smile and tightened his hands upon my waist, maneuvering closer towards me. Curious yet scared of what he would do, I grew frantic, feeling my face heat up while he did so. And finally, he closed his eyes, brushing his lips against mine, before kissing me gently.

My hands rushed up to his face as my shoulders stiffened. Such a sudden action made my heart beat out of its chest, I was sure he could hear it.

Unfortunately, he ended our kiss after a few seconds, pulling away from me slightly.

"So, I'm guessing that's a yes?" I manage to let out a few words in my tired voice. Koshi nods, sitting up from his spot.

That was the first time I'd woken up in his bed while lying next to him. And boy, did I cherish that moment as if it were impossible to forget.

-

"Good morning, Ms. L/n," Isao chimes as Koshi and I walk into the kitchen with our zombie-like behaviors.

Nonetheless, I smile at the boy, happy to be seeing his familiar face. I was beginning to grow on him and his playful personality. I bow and greet him a good morning as well, before Koshi bumps his hip into mine, laying a hand on my back. "Y/n, you don't have to bow every time you see them." He says to me, making me shoot up to stand straight.

"Uh, sorry! I guess it's just an impulse I do to people," I explain myself, followed by Isao's sweet laughter.

"That's alright! I was just about done," he says, placing a small piece of fish onto a pile of a couple of other pieces. Next to the grill pan was some white rice and a pot of miso soup.

The smell fills my nose and I begin to build up my appetite. "Oh, okay! Would you like me to get started on some tea?" I hurry to the other side of the kitchen and attempt to search for a pot. But of course, Koshi stands there with one in his large hands, grinning at me.

"You're our guest, Ms. L/n! Please, sit." Isao carries the plate of rice and fish to the table, accompanied by a few bowls of miso soup. I hadn't been welcomed with such a normal morning breakfast in so long. Not even my friends' parents treated me like this. But mostly because we were all family to each other.

I could only hope that I didn't look too bad. I had changed into some pajama pants and a smaller shirt so I wouldn't look like a homeless man walking around such a nice house. But freshening up my hair, breath, and face could only do so much. As for Koshi, he still looked as beautiful as ever in the mornings.

I make myself comfortable in the same chair I'd say in the previous night, waiting for Koshi and Isao to join me. After they did, I said my thanks, and we began to eat our breakfast.

To my surprise, Isao wasn't half bad at making food. In fact, it was very delicious. Mostly because I hadn't had such a good breakfast meal in what felt like a million years.

"So!" Isao cleared his throat with a gulp of green tea.

"How did you love birds sleep?"

The boy clapped his hands enthusiastically. The nickname made me cringe on the inside, but I simply chuckled lightly and shrugged my shoulders. "Pretty good. You guys have such a lovely home," I comment, replied with a nod from Isao.

"Yeah, yeah. So your band; are you guys popular and all? Sorry, I know that probably isn't what you might want to talk about, but I'm interested in Koshi's new girlfriend," he says, followed by one of Koshi's passive-aggressive throat clearings.

I eye both of them, smiling awkwardly while swallowing my food. "Uhm, it's okay. We're fairly known by a few people at school and some family. Our discography is small since we mostly produce covers or requests we receive from our amount of fans."

It was obvious that Isao was very excited about having a musician in his house. I was only worried that Koshi would grow tired of talking about music. So, I take the wheel of questions and begin my mission to find out more about his family.

"What about you? Are you interested in any sports or art hobbies?" I ask, wiping my hands on one of the small towelettes he gave me earlier.

Isao nods. "Kind of! I like messing around with the drums now and then. But I mostly did a lot of volleyball back in middle school."

I hadn't thought about how old Isao might have been. Curious, I ask, "wait—how old are you? I didn't know you were in high school."

Little did I know that it wasn't something Koshi and Isao weren't up to talk about that subject, for they glanced at each other with surprised looks. "Uh...I should be starting in-person high school after the summer break. Right now, I've been doing homeschooling."

"Oh..that must be nice!" I attempt to lighten the mood a bit. "Are you excited? You get to experience a lot of new and fun things in high school. I'm positive you'll find something you like. Do you plan on going to Karasuno or...?"

"Yeah, I do. I only wish Koshi could have been a second year so we could be closer together!"

The mentioned man coughs while drinking his tea, wiping it soon after. "Uhm, don't worry. I have a couple of people who'll be looking out for you." I assumed he was talking about the volleyball team. Isao would no doubt fit in with those guys.

"You said that you're going to the states after graduation. Is that true?" The sudden question makes both Koshi and me choke on our rice. The only time that I would ever discuss the matter was with my friends. I was always afraid that talking about it in front of him would cause problems between us.

Noticing I grew uncomfortable, Koshi interrupts with yet another question. "Would you like to come with me to Y/n's concert? It's not much of a concert...more of a competition for bands. But if it's okay with her, I could take you with me. I know we'd both love to see her perform live, right?"

Isao practically jumps at the statement. "Wow—really?! Of course! Can we go, Ms. L/n?" He looks at me with big puppy eyes in excitement. How could I have said no?

Proud, I nod to the boy. "Sure thing. But you've gotta be careful in the crowds. There will be lots of people there."

The rest of breakfast was used as a way for Isao and I to get to know each other. Though they came from the same mother and father, Koshi and he were two very different people. It could have been that they got different types of acknowledgment from their parents, or they coped with their mother in different ways. He sure seemed like a rowdy boy. Very charismatic, curious, and a top-notch smart ass.

Koshi and I helped tidy up the kitchen, he notified us he would be going over to a friend's house. I was only to assume that this friend was like family to him, for Koshi dismissed him as if it were nothing. After that, we decided to begin getting ready for the training camp.

-

A/n: If you come across messages from the guys that sound cringe it's only because I'm trying to make them sound realistic aka what they would actually text like😭

Crow crew

Daichi

Hope everyone is heading to the gym soon

Let's try not to give Takeda a hard time this weekend. He's been treating us very kindly these past few weeks.

Tanaka

Yeah man he got us a really cool new manager

haha thanks

Asahi

Who's ####

Tanaka

I just said

Really cool new manager

Aka Sugas gf

Koshi

Istg

Noya

R u serious my brother😕

So you just take every girl you see now

Asahi

Suga didn't tell me that:0

Koshi

The way we haven't even been together for 24 hours and you somehow managed to figure it out

Tanaka

WAIT IT IS TRUE-

Daichi

This is literally supposed to be a group

chat meant for volleyball only

Leave Koshi's personal life alone and mind your own business guys

Noya

Don't be so uptight 🗣

Y/n I thought you liked me 💔

What about all that stuff you told me under the cherry blossom tree

Daichi

Noya oh my god

Asahi

Wow, this escalated!!

Daichi

Where are you guys, heading to the school hopefully?

Koshi

Y/n and I just left the house

Is Kiyoko there yet guys

Kiyoko

Almost :))

Meet me in the girl's locker room

Noya

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT

Tanaka

WH

What lmao

Tanaka

YOU SUMMONED HER

Noya

YEAH SHOW US YOUR WAYS DARK LORD

Bc I'm god( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Ennoshita

Hey everyone

At the gym👌🏻

Yamaguchi

Good afternoon!!🌞

THE EMOJI WXBISJS

Yamaguchi

SHSHSHS

Tsukishima

it's gay

Noya

You're gay

Tsukishima

Wtf lmao no I'm not shut up

Tanaka

You've triggered something

Daichi

Stop it guys

Hinata

OMG I WOKE UP LATE

Koshi

Uhh

Try to get to the gym fast

Asahi

Hey you shouldn't text and drive

Tanaka

Especially when you got your girl in the passenger seat🤨

Koshi

Don't worry guys it's me

[image of you and Koshi in the car]

Kageyama

who's dirivng

Yamaguchi

Driving* and Koshi is obviously driving in the picture🙄

Kageyama

Im talk shout the training camp

Daichi

Takeda, he's taking his van like always

Hinata

CAN WE BRING SNACKS PLEASE???

Daichi

Yes but not to eat in the car bc I don't wanna cause Takeda any issues with having to clean it

###-###-####

That's fine with me!! Hinata can bring snacks( ◠‿◠ )

Is that Takeda Senseis number

Tanaka

Yes

Koshi

Pls try not to make a big deal of Y/n and I

Noya

Why wouldn't we💀

it's not even that huge + I'm sure you guys don't care that much

Tsukishima

Yeah I don't

Tanaka

Cmon noya that's one of kiyokos best friends we can't be mean😥

Noya

SHEEESH alr see you guys soon

—

- K. S. Perspective

"...are you telling me that she's coming with us?" I look at Daichi with a very serious face, afraid of what he would respond with.

I thought it was flattering that Eclair wanted to spend her afternoons at volleyball practice with the team. But was it appropriate to have her come with us to the weekend training camp?

Daichi sighed. "Well, she did ask Takeda and I beforehand and we didn't have it in us to tell her no. Besides, she is a big help to us. She's been doing a lot more than talk to the second years as of recently. Don't you think you're worrying too much about it? I'm sure she won't make a move on you again, especially now that you've got a girlfriend."

"She doesn't know that, dammit." I cross my arms and sink into my seat. I knew that she wouldn't take the news lightly when she found out. If I were lucky, she would last her entire stay in Japan without knowing.

He sighs again, adjusting himself in the seat. "Koushi, just fall asleep. We'll be there in only an hour."

It didn't hurt me that Daichi didn't want to talk about Eclair. She was draining, after all. I prayed that she wouldn't be causing issues during this weekend. The last thing I needed was another inconvenience.

Instead of sitting with Kiyoko the way she usually did, she had to sit alone. Eclair insisted she take her spot next to Kiyoko, but Y/n didn't want to make a big deal of it.

As the bus began driving off into the evening, I look over to the girl, observing her tired eyes as they wander over the valleys outside. Did she mind being alone? I wasn't sure. All I knew was that I wanted more than anything to sneak over to her seat when no one was looking. To have her head rest nicely on my shoulder.

'Would anyone even notice if I were gone?' I think to myself, checking if my best friend was still awake. Sure enough, he was dozing off against the window, giving me an open spot to sneak up next to her.

Careful not to be noticed by Takeda or any other volleyball members, I crouch over to the seat in front of mine. Y/n looks over in a flash, taking both her earphones out. "Kou, what are you doing? Are you allowed to sit next to me?" She whispers to me before the two of us lock eyes.

"I have no clue, but you look tired," I say to her as she closes her eyes and smiles gently. The orange-colored sunlight showered down on her beautiful features, making my heart melt right there in the moment. Desperate to feel her, I bump her head with my shoulder, offering her a personal pillow. She happily accepts and fits right between my left collar bone, making me beam with joy. I pay close attention to her small flinch when I began to ever so gently squeeze her thigh lovingly. Dear Y/n was finally all mine and no one else's, finally. Of course, I knew she belonged to herself and had personal boundaries that I wouldn't dare cross. She was an independent and reluctant girl after all. But my girl. One I would love forever and ever.

-

Yes I still added fluff at the end what abt it😾

Ily pls note and comment I read every single comment you guys give me and it makes me seriously so happy

- estrxlar