#i'm going thru some stuff

[change-the-rules]

more than wanting a son instead of daughters my father wanted marionettes whose strings he could pull

little robots he could program into a legacy he was proud of

i often think of that dad out there somewhere who responds to braggadocious parents with 'yea but are they cool? my kids are so cool. i love hanging out with them'

it always fills me with a sort of bittersweet joy, heartening to know it exists

painful because -i think my dad only thinks he loves us

he certainly doesn't like us

mostly I think he simply loves the idea of us

of what we could've been, should have been

if it were not for the simple fact that we are people not robots, not marionettes

i spent my entire childhood struggling, begging for help, silently because i did not know there was anything wrong

i thought life was that overwhelmingly difficult for everyone

my father never disabused me of the notion- life is hard- adjust and adapt- appearances are everything-

he didn't raise me to be

Like

This

lazy

selfish

stubborn

irrational

too much

a fucking disappointment

a lost cause

.....

mentally ill- of course there's no such thing as mental illness

he fishes a dead baby out of a dumpster in the morning

after lunch he bags romeo's gun and steadies a swaying juilette while his partner cuts her down from a tree

which means when I cry myself into a fit that night over nothing I need to grow the fuck up

eleven is too young to have any problems you see

he is the only one entitled to his feelings- talking must be too much like therapy

because he never says any of this out loud

all too fond of asserting actions speak louder than words

never his actions though

only ours

his words tell us we can always come to him with anything good or bad

he goes ballistic if he doesn't like what he hears

his trauma-packed tightly into an old-fashioned steamer trunk covered in pithy bumper stickers, spilling out

our only inheritance

I found the words, eventually realized life is not inherently

factually

universally

That Hard for everyone

the revelation was hope

a life preserver i grabbed with both hands

I used them to beg for clemency

for help

a hand to help pull me from beneath the crushing weight of existence

a weapon to fight the darkness - i needed a flashlight

he'd tell me to take two bullets and call him in the morning

his loaded gun winking at me from the spilled light of our fucking refrigerator

empty of course because trying to starve me out of my depression made more sense to him

than compassion

that's not quite right he was fixing me, that was him showing compassion

I was being difficult to spite him afterall

he was simply preparing me for the harsh realities of life

"the real world is a cruel place"

I'm still not sure where I was living all that time if not the real world

maybe his gun did go off that day I opened the freezer for ice and was greeted with a service weapon to the face

maybe i was finally able to give him what he wanted

a daughter he could be proud of, could love without such an unseemly mess of humanity

In Loving Memory

Instead of a Lost Fucking Cause

[kagooleo]

my WIPs are so unorganized but rice is forever, in doodles and Even when coding >:]

[omatoxin]

is it a good thing? it doesn't feel like it

[hyakunana]

Interrupting all my chores for a very important event

[zhongrin]

I FINALLY MOVED OUT TO A NEW PLACE!!!

i'm absolutely exhausted and i still need to unpack so many things and i still need to buy a proper desk and restock my groceries & supplies and a do a whole lot of other things BUT i'm hoping to get settled in soon so i can get back to the creative endeavors™️✨

love yall, stay safe, take care, and good vibes 🫶🏻

[lemondemonpickuplines]

this has been in my inbox for MONTHS and i still don't know what it's supposed to be in reference to. Cabinet Man? The Machine? i don't knwo

[ofmdee]

gifs 🔞

[guinevereslancelot]

being the youngest person at work is being the honorary IT specialist despite knowing basically nothing abt technology except how to use google

[boxwinebaddie]

when i put ravenstan in this croptop it's all over for everyone

[wewontbesleeping]

i've decided to relax my rules about my bedroom being SOLELY a place for sleep a little bit, and make it into a nice place to hang out. i've been feeling really shitty and disconnected with the world, and i think i just want to make myself a tiny little place that's just for Me that i can go to when i'm overwhelmed or whatever.

[jettison-my-gift]

.

[audiovisualrecall]

This is a start, anyway. Lots of research and work ahead.

[cathalbravecog]

Really should be sleeping but I really just have to share that Archie my dearest finally got to Misty... At last they can see their bestie

(Their real objective is the destruction of Barnacle Bessie, the only being in existence that Archie feels negatively towards)

[lungfuls]

Being a Kinsey 4/5 is a truly unique experience

[mikesbasementbeets]

the storm (part 1)

s2:

[rock you like a hurricane playing]

[looksgold]

hestia???  back  from  the  dead??  it's  more  likely  than  you  may  think  !