#i'm genuinely so sad that after next term all of my courses will be on the main campus | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

baby-yongbok · 6 months ago

Text

𝘗𝘪𝘯𝘬 + 𝘞𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘦

Hwang Hyunjin 𝗑 Afab!Reader

♡ Genre - Friends to Lovers

♡ CW - Explicit Sexual Content, Unprotected Sex, Nightmares, Alcohol usage by reader, Hyunjin calls reader rose as a nickname, One use of 'y/n'.

♡ Summary - Your avoidant tendencies have allowed the burn of pink and white to keep you Hyunjin at a safe distance until it all comes crashing down. Can the fire that kept you apart also be what brings you together?

♡ Word Count - 9.2k

♡ A/N - I went from not being sure if I liked this fic to being in love with it. I think that it's a very sweet fic and I loved writing it. I worked so hard on it and I'm so proud of it. The goal was for it to be 4k words.. then I almost posted it at 8k but now... yeah. I hope that you love this as much as I do!

♡ Playlist - Pink + White - Frank Ocean, Rainy Days - V, For Us - V, Beautiful Things - Benson Boone, Trajectories - Bruno Major

✧ Masterlist ✧

When you were six years old you punched a boy in the face on the playground. That was the first time that you ever felt the burn of genuine fear.

Your mom along with the many others came swirling around them. When your mother asked you what happened you cried. You clung to her running over to you and the crying brunette boy on the playground with a mix of emotions and explained the best you could through your tears that you didn’t like that he was chasing you, when you agreed to play tag you thought that you’d be the chaser not the one being chased.

That was the day that you learned two things about yourself, you have a habit of acting impulsively when you’re scared and you don’t like being chased. It's suffocating.

As you got older your friends described you as the avoidant type, especially in relationships. You developed a reputation for being an ice queen in your Sophomore year of university which led to you being one of the most sought after girls on campus.

You’ve lost friends because of this. Their boyfriends saw getting close to them as a gateway to meeting you. Many guys took dating you as a challenge with an end prize of overnight popularity. Unfortunately, some of your closest relationships have been destroyed because of it. You learned not to be sad about it, you’ve come to terms with it, this is just the way that it goes. Of course your other friends were all important to you but you always told yourself that you’re alright with losing them as long as you have your best friend by your side.

“More roses? Are you in love or something?” You weaved through the cluttered art studio that Hyunjin has claimed as his own. It’s on the dead side of campus on the second floor of a building that was abandoned last year. Your best friend refused to let the studio go when it was shut down, he says that it houses some of his fondest memories.

“Always in love, never loved back.” He quips, eyes still trained on the canvas. “You’re early.”

You jump up onto one of the few clear desks in the room, right behind his easel. “Chemistry ended early.” Hyunjin stands straight, eyeing his canvas for a second before looking over at you. He knows that you’re skipping class. Your last hook-up is in that class and you're trying to avoid his attempt at getting you in his bed again. If you’re being honest, the decision to sleep with him was impulsive. You blame the beer, all eight of them.

“I thought that we could go to the exhibition early.” He starts another brush stroke and silence swallows you both. “I’m excited about it and if I’m being honest I just wanna spend time with you. I’ve barely seen you for the past three days.”

Hyunjin’s steady hand wavers and he thanks his lucky stars that you didn’t see it. “Aw she misses me. She loves me so much.” The sound of your feet hitting the ground as you jump off of the desk echoes through the dusty room of stacked chairs and forgotten storage items.

Hyunjin stands and dips the paint brush covered in bright pink in the cup of water next to him. “You could’ve come to my place ya know.” You grab your stuff, swinging your bag onto your shoulder.

“Your brother is there, you know how he gets.” You scrunch your face at the thought of Hyunjin’s step brother, Jeongin. The two of you get along perfectly, almost as well as you and Hyunjin until Jeongin starts flirting. He confessed to you on New Years and you’ve been avoiding him ever since. He’s too sweet for you, you’d hate to hurt him. “I’m gonna go change, I’ll meet you by your car.”

“You brought a costume change for an art exhibit?” He asks as he starts cleaning his space.

“Of course, I need to look like art too.” You smile at him but he doesn’t smile back, he rolls his eyes and turns his attention back to the mess of paints and rags on the desk in front of him. He waits until he hears the door open and close behind you to finally let the corners of his mouth turn up. He chuckles to himself quietly while his mind comes up with responses that he’d never dare to utter out loud.

“This one looks like you, rose.” The year old nickname slips off of Hyunjin’s tongue like silk. You’ve never fully understood how the name stuck. You figured that it’s because roses are his favorite flower and he thought it was cute. You’ve never asked for its origin but you don’t mind the name. It’s sweet.

You turn to view the series of pink, white and green dots making up a bouquet of roses on the framed canvas in front of Hyunjin. He studies it with smiling eyes though the neutral look on his face could fool those who haven’t experienced him like you have.

“It’s pretty.” You mumble as you lean your head on his shoulder. You wrap your arm around his and the sleeve of the brown oversized flannel shirt that you picked out a year ago rides up his forearm a bit, he blames the chills running up his spine on the breeze against the newly exposed skin.

“I knew I’d see you here.” The voice of a woman next to Hyunjin startles you a bit. You stand straight and watch as Hyunjin smiles towards her. He’s cursing her in his head for interrupting the moment between the two of you but he learned a long time ago to just live in the moment when it comes to you.

“Of course, I had to see this exhibition.” He shakes her hand and you chalk it up to her being someone important though she doesn’t look much older than either of you. “You put it together beautifully.”

Ah, she owns the gallery. “Oh, please, it’s nothing. I just hope that you’re enjoying it. I actually thought about you when I put this piece up.” She motions towards the art in front of the two of you. The piece that Hyunjin says resembles you. “It looks like something you’d design. I’m still desperate to organize a local exhibition for you, ya know.”

Hyunjin laughs but it's stiff and polite. He’s being shy. He’s a very cautious person but he reaches a whole new level when it comes to his art. “I’m not quite on that level yet.”

“I disagree but I won’t bother you about it until you graduate. This is your final semester, right?” You can see her eyes smiling just like Hyunjin’s were a second ago as she checks him out. She’s shameless in her actions, the glint in her eyes is far from professional.

“Yes, just three months to go.” She nods, dragging her gaze up from his lips with a smile.

“Call me when you graduate, I’d love to have you working with us.” She pulls a business card out of her pocket and flashes one last smile before waving a reluctant goodbye towards your best friend.

Silence settles between the two of you for just a couple of seconds before you break it. “She wants to fuck you so badly that she didn’t even look at me.” Hyunjin scoffs at your whispered words as he slips the card into his pocket. “Don’t tell me that you didn’t notice. How old is she anyway? She looks a bit young to be in charge of this place.”

“Her father owns it.” He mumbles as he grabs your wrist and leads you over to the next piece of art.

“Oh, of course. She probably thought I was your girlfriend, ya know. She’s rude as hell for not even asking or looking at me. I know she saw me here, she’s clearly -” You’re pulled into Hyunjin’s side before you can finish your sentence. The sudden action cuts you off with a heavy thump of your heart and that painfully familiar burn rising in your chest.

“Look at this one.” Your eyes are on him but his are on the art. “This one looks like you too.” You pull your gaze away from him to view the piece. The thumping in your chest doubles once your gaze meets your own. It’s a mirror with pink and white abstract designs floating around and over the glass. The paint is so messy yet strategic. It leaves just enough room for your reflection.

“It’s messy yet elegant, don’t you think? You can’t help but to stare..” He’s visibly smiling now. The corners of his mouth turn up as he studies the art in front of him. As he studies you. “This one might be my favorite. It’ll be hard to beat it.”

“I don’t like it.” You mutter quickly, pulling away from Hyunjin and turning towards the next piece. You try your best to steady your breathing. You will your heart to calm down so that you can take a complete breath but it’s betraying you. “I’m gonna use the bathroom.”

You’re walking away before Hyunjin can reply. He watches you with that smile in his eyes as you disappear around the corner. He knew that what he pulled would be a risk but it was one that he was willing to take. He doesn’t call you beautiful nearly as much as he should or as much as he really wants to.

In the bathroom you’re slumped against the door of a stall while you try to catch your breath. You don’t like how Hyunjin’s words made that white hot burn in your chest kick up. You don’t like the way that his eyes being on you made you feel like you were the only two in the entire gallery. It’s suffocating.

When you step out of the stall your fingers are busy on your phone screen. You find your friend Isa’s number quickly and take a sigh of relief when she answers on the third ring. You bypass reciprocating her kind greeting and get right to the point.

“Get-together at yours tomorrow?”

You’re standing in the middle of the Pink and White art exhibition. Other viewers jumble together along the walls of the gallery and crowd the pieces. You can’t see anything but their blurred faces decorating the white walls. There’s a slow yet heavy beating in your ears but you’re comfortable. You’re alone in the middle of it all, watching everyone from a pleasant distance as you turn to study them all as if they’re the art on the walls.

The beating in your ears skips as you turn and come face to face with Hyunjin. He’s standing in front of you wearing that brown hat that you love and the oversized flannel that he bought just to share with you.

Suddenly the others in the room are quiet. All eyes are on you but Hyunjin’s gaze is the most piercing. His brown eyes are smiling at you with a softness that makes the flame in your chest burn brighter.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” You look around at everyone else but they’ve vanished along with the art on the walls. The beating in your ears picks up, it’s deafening but Hyunjin’s voice can be heard loud and clear over the noise.

“I like staring at you.” He takes a step towards you but you take two back. He frowns and steps forward again. You repeat the process until your back is against the wall. “Why do you do that?”

“I’m not doing anything.” You swallow hard as you try to push him away but he’s stronger than you. As strong as stone caging you against the stark white wall. “I can’t breathe.” You’re pushing as hard as you can but it’s no use. You’re stuck under him.

“Why do you do this?” He’s still staring down at you, a burning gaze setting your skin ablaze. “Why do you keep running?” The beating in your ears drowns out all sensible thoughts. You can feel your veins swelling with fear and the blinding white burning in your chest puffs up with the crushing pressure of having him so close. Too close.

“Back up.” You inhale the thick air, feeling dizzy. “Move.”

“Stop running.” You try to inhale but it gets stuck in your throat. You want to scream. You need to escape. You need to get out of here.

You lift your heavy arm the best you can and pull back enough to punch Hyunjin. You aim for his face but your fist goes through him just as your lungs start to burn, you take one last look at him before the wall behind you gives out and you’re falling backwards. Hyunjin watches you, his eyes are void of that sparkling smile and guilt consumes you right before you hit the ground.

You jump up with a gasp as your eyes frantically search the room around you. Your chest rises and falls heavily and sweat beads at your hairline.

It was a dream.

Friday is a late day for you with your last class ending at nine in the evening. Hyunjin always waits for you in the abandoned art studio, he waits for two hours just to walk you to your dorm across campus. It’s become a routine for the two of you but you told him not to wait up tonight. He was reluctant at first, he insisted on waiting for you but you were adamant about breaking your routine.

He agreed eventually but you could see the dejection in his eyes as he hugged you goodbye before your last class. He watched you walk away just like he always did but this time his heart was heavy in his chest. Did he do something wrong?

That question haunted him throughout the day. It was loud in his head as he collected his stuff and made his way to the abandoned studio. It echoed in his ears as he tried to finish the painting of his vibrant rose that he’s added notes of dusty pale pink to. But it was the loudest when Jeongin called him to ask if he was going to the get-together at Minho’s place tonight.

He knows that you and Minho’s girlfriend Isa are close so you have to know about this, hell, you might’ve even helped plan it and you kept it from him. You’re avoiding him.

You skipped your class to head to Minho and Isa’s place. They share a small apartment right off of campus that you often use as an escape. Isa is one of the few friends that you still have from sophomore year since her boyfriend has never once tried to get in your pants.

You sat on Isa’s bed clutching a bottle of soju that is not at all meant for one person while you laid your head in her lap. You loved being with her because there was never any pressure to fill the silence. She understands you in a way that other people just don’t. Not even Hyunjin.

“So, he called you pretty?” You’ve been telling her everything from what happened at the art gallery to the nightmare you had last night. “And now you’re avoiding him?”

“I’m not avoiding him.” You take a swig from the glass bottle and gulp hard to rush the alcohol into your system. “I’m just being careful.”

“You’re being careful by avoiding your best friend… because he called you pretty and you had a nightmare about it?” You sit up with a groan, lifting the bottle to your mouth again with a sigh. She’s not getting it.

“You didn’t see the way he looked at me. You didn’t feel the way he pulled me into him, his arm wrapped around my waist and he just stared at me with that smile in his eyes. You know the one that makes his eyes shine when he sees something pretty? He was looking at me like that and he told me that I looked elegant. Messy but elegant and that he couldn’t help but to stare. There was a softness in his voice, I swear, and he just wouldn’t take his eyes off of me. It’s like he was looking into me instead of at me it was… it was..”

“Sweet?” You tap the bottle in your hands with your nails.

“Suffocating. It was too much. It made my heart skip and it made me feel hot.”

“That usually means that you like him, ya know.” She takes the bottle from you, drinking from it a bit herself. “ You know that he’s a romantic and this isn’t the first time you’ve felt like this with him.” She hands the cold glass back to you while you think back to the other times that you’ve felt this. The latest being your birthday three months ago when Hyunjin whisked you away to the next city for a mini getaway.

You stayed in the same hotel room and on the night of your birthday you had a bit too much to drink. He carried you up to your room since you were too out of it to walk but you weren’t too far gone to forget the way that he handled you with such gentle care.

He brushed your hair out of your face when he laid you on your bed and took your make-up off with such a tender touch that it made you want to kiss him. You almost kissed him.

“I don’t like him like that.” You shrug and she sighs.

“Whatever you say, ice queen.” That damned nickname makes you cringe but Minho is bursting through the door before you can rebuttal.

“Jisung and Bin just got here, come on.” You stare at him with confused eyes and he crosses his arms as he stares back at you. “Well? Get up, you wanted to do this.”

“Do what?” You look over at Isa who’s already getting up from the bed.

“Did you not call her asking for a get-together? People are getting here so come on. I’m not hosting this by myself.” Your heart drops and you stare over at Isa who looks back at you with her own look of confusion until it all sinks in.

“You meant for it to be just us, didn’t you?”

Hyunjin is a cautious person, anyone who knows him knows that about him. He doesn’t like when things go wrong because of him. It eats him alive until he can fix it and if he can’t he lets the anxiety consume him until a part of him dies with the memory of it all.

His cautious nature is what prompted him to drive home after he got that call from Jeongin. It brought him right to his bedroom where he dropped his bag by the foot of his bed and laid back against the mattress with a death stare set on the dull ceiling. It stared back at him, reflecting his thoughts back to him for him to analyze.

His brother left for the get-together as soon as he walked through the door and Hyunjin was tempted to follow him down to Seungmin’s car.

He was tempted to drop his bag and turn on his heels and come straight to you but he knew better. He knew you better than you knew yourself. If he shows up at that get-together you’ll avoid him like the plague. You’ll feel trapped by his presence and any hope that he has of fixing this situation will die right in front of his eyes.

His cautious nature is what’s keeping him on his bed. It’s what’s grounding him to this spot and sating the burning desire to chase you. The problem is that the fire in his chest is bigger than he can handle. He’s seen how you treat the men you want to avoid on campus, he’s seen you take the long way home just to avoid a conversation and the thought of you doing that to him makes him wilt. He can’t let that happen.

His feet are carrying him across his room before he can even fully process it. He opens his closet and pulls out the brown flannel along with his brown beanie. They’ve become comfort items for the both of you at this point, especially the flannel. It feels like a thread connecting you to him and him to you. He needs to save that connection.

He sloppily throws on the items while he checks the clock. He’s nearly two hours late but there’s still time.

Hyunjin has never gotten a speeding ticket but he was nearly positive that he’d get one tonight. He made it to Minho’s place in record time but he’s panting when he knocks on the door like he’s ran there. His heart is hammering when Isa answers the door and the look on her face when she takes him in only makes his heart beat faster.

She forces a smile, inviting him in and telling him where everything is but he already knows all of that and she knows that he does. “She doesn’t want to see me does she?” Isa sighs, giving him a look that answers each and every one of his questions all at once.

“Thanks for letting me in.” He walks past her with a nervous huff, making his way into the small party and searching for you immediately. He finds Changbin and Chan before he can find you and the two quickly drag him into a conversation about gods know what while wedging a glass bottle of mystery liquid into his fist.

Hyunjin’s eyes wander in an attempt to find you as he ignores his friends' conversation. Luckily it didn’t take long for the sound of your loud laughter to echo through the room. His eyes were on you in an instant once he heard it. You’re right in front of him sitting in the truth or dare circle with a can of something strong in your hand. You’re always the loudest in the room but right now you seem to be the drunkest too, you shouldn’t be playing that game you’ll do something reckless.

He wants to go over and pull you up, he wants to tell you that you’re going home and that you need to sober up. He wants to get you to talk to him but he ignores everything he wants and watches you instead. He stays cautious and keeps his distance.

“Y/n, truth or dare.” One of your few girl friends, Harvey asks from across the circle. You answer ‘dare’ with a wide smile, it’s no surprise, you always pick that. The raven haired girl looks over to Mingi for assistance since she’s known for picking terrible dares. After a couple seconds of deliberation the blonde perks up with an idea.

“I dare you to kiss whoever this bottle lands on.” Mingi dares with a nonchalant smile and you shrug, the alcohol in your system is surely boosting your confidence but it’s not like you’ll remember any of this tomorrow so who cares, right?

He spins the bottle in the middle of the circle and everyone watches with quiet anticipation as it lands on the copper haired boy sitting three people away from you. It’s Jeongin.

He stops in the middle of sipping from his cup and flashes you a small innocent smile but what you return to him is nothing less than a look of raw seduction. You’re on your feet in an instant, making your way over to him with low and hazy eyes. You straddle him swiftly, getting comfortable in his lap like you’ve done this a hundred times.

“You sure about this, noona?” His hands rest on your thighs, he brushes his thumbs over the bareskin and you can feel a shiver down your spine. It almost reminds you of how Hyunjin touched you on your birthday.

“Do you not wanna kiss me?” You tease him with a slight slur to your voice. You know he wants to kiss you, everyone does except for Hyunjin, right?

Just as that thought passes your eyes flicker up and meet those of the very man on your mind. He’s watching you with an angry gaze as he fists the neck of the glass bottle in his hand. Your mouth goes dry as you take him in, when did he get here? You feel stuck staring at him, everything around you is suddenly muted and the people around you disappear. It’s only you and Hyunjin.

Both of your hearts are pounding in your chest.

Both of you feel like you can’t breathe.

Both of you are about to do something that you shouldn’t.

“Kiss her already!” Ryujin instigates from across the circle and you snap out of your haze and blink down at Jeongin. You both share a smile, one more genuine than the other, before he’s leaning into you. His lips just barely brush against yours before you’re interrupted.

A firm grip on your shoulder startles you and the man under you. You both look up to meet the eyes of the angry Hyunjin above you.“Get up.” He practically growls with a slight tug on your arm. You stare up at him with glassy eyes though you are feeling a bit more sober now. “Get. Up.”

You’re being pulled up before you can process it. Your feet fight to keep up with him as you stumble towards the bedroom he’s leading you to. You can feel all eyes on you, you can feel the room getting smaller once he locks the bedroom door behind the two of you and pulls his flannel off to drape over your shoulders, something that he does to comfort you.

“What the fuck?” That’s all you can manage to get out of your mouth as you stare over at him. He stares back with his arms crossed and his chest rising and falling with what you perceive as anger but he would describe as anxiety. Pure fear.

“Do you understand what you were about to do?” Hyunjin tries to be mindful of his tone. He tries to limit the waver of his words and calm the frantic thoughts in his head. He’s trying. “Why would you kiss him?”

“I didn’t.” The alcohol in your system takes over again and you thank the ridiculous amount of soju you’ve consumed for coming to the rescue. You tug on the flannel resting over your shoulders, pretending that its warmth would protect you from the buzzing in your head and inevitable burning in your chest.

“You would’ve if I didn’t stop you. What happened to you not being into Jeongin? What happened to you not wanting to hurt him?”

You groan, stomping your foot like a child being scolded by their guardian. Like the little girl who punched the brunette boy in the face for chasing her. “Why don’t you mind your business?”

Hyunjin scoffs, his anxiety grows in his chest and he takes a step back. “You are my business.”

It’s silent for one, two, three heartbeats before the dizzying emotions burning in your chest fill in the silence for you. “Well maybe I shouldn’t be. You’re way too attached to me.”

Hyunjin feels frozen even though he’s stepping back from you. He’s creating more space between the two of you just like you seem to be doing. What do you mean by that? You’re rambling on before he can ask. “You do all of these things that make me feel like I can’t breathe. You call me pretty and you touch me softly and you hold me close and… and you just make me feel hot. You suffocate me.”

Hyunjin whispers through the bubbles forming in his throat. He’s gentle with the way he speaks, he is a cautious person after all, especially when it comes to his art. “Is this about what I said at the gallery?”

His question goes in one ear and right out the other. Your brain formulates words quicker than you can process them, creating a violent episode of word vomit that threatens to spill over your lips and onto the carpet but you swallow hard and condense it all into one simple yet seering sentence. “You keep making my heart race, it’s not fair. You need to go, just go.”

Hyunjin’s blood runs cold and his temples throb like you’ve hit him. Like you’ve punched him in the face. Anxiety bubbles in his veins and swells behind his eyes. It’s his turn to ramble, the word vomit seems to be contagious.

“I’m not leaving.” His gaze is frantic, cautious, scared. “I am too attached, you’re right. I have been for a while. I’ve loved you for a while and I tried to hide it but I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t be scared that I’ll lose my best friend if I tell her that she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”

“No, you are not confessing to me right now. Don’t you dare do that.” You pace to the left then the right in a hurried attempt to escape his words before they could reach you. He can’t be doing this right now. You needed to get out of here.

“I am. I am confessing to you. I need you to hear me say that I love you because I do and it scares me just as much as it scares you but you are the reason that it’s scaring me. Losing you is the reason that I’m afraid and I need you to tell me that that isn’t going to happen.” His voice is shaky just like your hands. He watches you like a dog being dropped off at the pound as you physically try to escape him. He knew this would happen, this is what he was afraid of.

“Stop. Just stop it, Hyunjin. You’re doing it again, I can’t breathe when you’re this close to me.” He stares over at you from the other side of the room and you stare back at him. This doesn’t make any sense. He isn’t next to you but you still can’t breathe. It doesn’t make any sense. “I have to go - I have - just… just leave me alone.” You turn towards the bedroom door but he speaks up before you can make your escape.

“I’m not going to chase you.” Hyunjin is unmoving. His feet are still planted to the floor like a statue as he slips his fists into his pocket. “I don’t want to push you further away but don’t you dare go home and convince yourself that I don’t care just because I let you go.”

You listen to him over your hammering heart with your back turned to him and your unsteady gaze trained on the worn door knob. “I’m letting you go with the hope that you’ll come back. You know where to find me.”

Your feet threaten to betray you, they try to turn you around and drive you over to him but your heart is screaming. That white flame is burning in your chest and begging you to run. Run as fast as you can and find safety, but your safety is standing behind you. It’s watching you with teary eyes that are desperate to meet yours.

A tear slips down your cheek as you grab the doorknob and pull it with a quick twist. You follow your heart and rush out of the room with tears decorating your face and your hand over your mouth. You let the burning win again.

You rush past everyone, Isa tries to stop you and Minho even catches you for a minute but you fight him off of you and make your way to the front door. You don’t get too far before the last layer of your resolve snaps, You turn onto the next dark block and sink to the ground. Sobs rip through you as Hyunjin’s words hang in your head. He loves you. He wants you but you left him. You left everything you’ve ever wanted behind you.

A heavier sob escapes you as the truth of it all comes crashing down. You love him too, don’t you? You’ve loved him for so long. Since your birthday and beyond that but you’ve been avoiding it. You’ve avoided your feelings just like you have everything else. You’ve punched yourself in the face, you’ve chased yourself into a corner and now you might just lose everything you have left. You might lose your best friend.

The storms over the next two days swirl the skies into mysterious clouds of pink and white as rain soaks the grass the same way that you’ve soaked your pillow for hours. You’ve opted to stay in, avoiding anything or anyone that could remind you of Friday’s catastrophe.

You’ve debated texting Jeongin and apologizing for what you remember of the situation. You almost called Isa to spill the fears bubbling in your lungs to her so that she could help you sort through them but she can’t. This is up to you. You need to make a choice. Will you run away from the fire or towards it?

On the other side of campus Hyunjin sits in the abandoned studio with paint stained hands and dried tears on his cheeks. He’s left his previous painting incomplete. The bright blushing rose sits across the room with the others just like it while he touches his brush to the canvas and smears a smoky mauve to the pristine white flesh. His lines are messy and uncalculated. Far from cautious.

For a moment he considers that he was only ever careful because of you. Your lack of control over your emotions inspired him to fill in the blanks for you. Now there’s no need for caution without you.

The rain carried into Monday along with the emptiness in your chest. You’ve typed and deleted paragraphs to Hyunjin who has done the same as he sat on the studio floor.

He stayed in the dusty room until midnight each day that he was without you and you stayed up well past then. He poured himself into painting and you poured yourself onto the carpet of your dorm room. You made lists and mapped your emotions until it all started to make a bit more sense. Until the love that burned alongside your hot white fear was glowing pink in the mirror.

You skipped your classes on Monday, your feet drove you over to the dead side of campus through the violent rain. You stood in the hallway outside of Hyunjin’s studio. The worn copper doorknob stared back at you like it knew what you were here to do. Like it was daring you to go inside. You suck in a breath as you grab the metal, you’ve never been one to back down from a dare.

The studio is empty when you walk inside. The fading warm light of the lamps that you and Hyunjin bought and snuck in illuminate the space the best that they can given the dull pink skies. Your eyes catch on the new piece sitting up on his easel. It’s dark and runny, it’s raw and it feels like it’s calling your name.

“Hi.” Hyunjin’s voice snaps you out of your thoughts. His voice is small and surprised as he stares over at your frame clad in that famous brown flannel and sweatpants.

“Hi.” You whisper back. He looks like a mess. Brown hat, pulled too far over his head and his hair spilling from every exit it can find. “More roses?”

He stares passed you and over at the wilting petals on the canvas with a sad smile. “It’s like I’m in love or something.”

Your guilt tinged heart beats a bit faster when he steps further into the room and closes the door behind him. He drops his bag next to the door and stares at the dinghy tile with his hands in his pockets. “I’m sorry. For everything, for the party and everything with your brother and for everything that I said.”

The word vomit is back. It spilled over your lips before you could attempt to swallow it back but you’re almost thankful for it. You have no clue how you’d get your words out otherwise. “You just made me feel… I just felt..” You kick at the cracked tile as if it holds the answers you’re looking for but Hyunjin beats you to it.

“Suffocated.” His eyes are on you now, they’re low and shadowed in a longing sadness. “I’ve seen this happen a million times to other guys and I thought that I was being careful enough to avoid it.”

“This is nothing like the other guys.” Your bag slumps off of your shoulder and you carelessly allow it to hit the floor. “Your confession just -” He cuts you off with a tight smile.

“I know. It ruined everything.” He sighs, sad eyes examining the space between the two of you. “I ruined everything and I’m sorry for that, rose. I really am.”

“It didn't. It didn’t ruin anything, it just scared me. I felt suffocated, yes, but not by you. It was by what I felt for you. That’s why this isn’t like what happened with any of the other guys. I never wanted them. Avoiding them was easy but you… avoiding you..” Hyunjin watches your heaving chest with the caution that he thought had abandoned him. He’s quiet, allowing you time to gather your thoughts. He doesn’t want to corner you, he just wants to hear you.

“Why do you call me that?” You whisper once your breathing has steadied. “Why did you start calling me rose?”

Suddenly he’s looking past you then down at the tile under his feet. He leans against the door behind him, a faint smile decorating his sad face. “You were wearing one in your hair on the day that I realized I love you.” He looks over to where his easel is set up. “We were sitting right there and you had a pale pink rose behind your left ear. You picked me one to match and I told you that it was my favorite flower because in that moment it was. It was beautiful but you…your beauty is hard to beat.”

Your heart is thumping in your ears, it’s a sound that you’ve grown comfortable with over the past few days. The clutter of the abandoned room almost seems to disappear as you process his words. The burning in your chest makes itself known along with the newly identified pink flame. The white walls of the studio almost seem brighter as you receive Hyunjin’s confession. You let it sink in and drown out the tension little by little. “So when you paint them…”

“I’m painting you. I’m always painting you.” The thumping is deafening but Hyunjin is clear over the noise. He has always been the only one who can cut through it all, even in your dreams.

You can feel yourself falling just like in your nightmare only it’s forwards. You’re falling forwards as your feet carry you to him. You run. You run to him and you fall into his arms that have been desperate to catch you for months. The burn in your chest is paralyzing, it’s seering and fighting the pink flame for dominance.

You cry into his chest, you sob as the pain of running into the fire engulfs you. It swallows you whole and you stand in it with him, you cling to him before you burn to ash and he holds you like he knows it all. He cradles the back of your head like he can feel the fire ripping your flesh apart.

You’re flush against him, tears soaking his shoulder and burning all over until he does what no one has done before. He puts it all out. A simple kiss to the top of your head dowses the flame and reduces it to a measly spark of fear overshadowed by an uncontainable pink and white glow of love in your chest.

You gasp at the cooling effect. Air rushes into your lungs and you can finally breathe, he’s the oxygen you needed. He’s everything you’ve needed but now you want to give your air away again. You want to give it all to him.

You pull away from his shoulder in one swift motion, your eyes are shut tight as your lips find his and you pull him into a hard and messy kiss. The sound that escapes you both is desperate and beautiful. His lips move with yours in an uncoordinated rhythm that makes your lungs burn comfortably. They burn the way that they’re supposed to.

Hyunjin cries into the kiss. Tears stream down his cheeks as he cradles you against him like you’d vanish if he didn’t. He drinks it all in, he allows himself to live in this moment that he’s been dying to have with you for what feels like an eternity before he reluctantly breaks the kiss.

His eyes are still closed when he pulls away. He whispers to you, careful not to crack the shell of this delicate moment. “I thought you -”

“I don’t want to keep running. I can’t, I need you. I can’t lose you.” Your eyes flutter open at the same time as his. He stares down at you with that smile in his eyes. That smile he has when he sees something beautiful, when he’s utterly enamored by the sight before him. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to do any of this, I only know that I want to do it with you.”

He’s quiet for a couple of seconds before a smile sneaks up on him. It fades just as quickly as it came and his eyebrows pinch together. “You want me?” You nod and the smile shows itself again.

“I want you.” He leans back in, cupping your cheek as he kisses you hard. His body pushes against yours and you move with him as he walks backwards towards one of the few empty desks and lifts you onto it.

His hands explore every inch of you that he can reach. He balls his fist over the baggy flannel hiding your body from him while your fingers tangle in his hair and scratch over his shoulders and up his arms.

He breaks the kiss to run his lips over the flushed flesh of your neck, he whispers into your skin between each kiss “Tell me to stop.” He pulls at the collar of the flannel to kiss the curve of your neck. “I’ve waited so long for this, please tell me to stop. Tell me to wait.”

You push his head further into the crook of your neck as you tilt your head further to give him better access. “I don’t want you to.” He sucks a mark into the skin right below your ear and you pull his tucked in shirt from his pants with an elated moan.

His clumsy fingers fight to unbutton the oversized flannel as yours attempt to unbutton his jeans. You reach your goal before he does and waste no time capitalizing on your victory. You dip your hand in just enough to fish his growing erection from his briefs and wrap your hand around it.

Hyunjin moans at the stimulation, leaning his forehead against yours and squeezing his eyes shut as you stroke him slowly. “Fuck, please don’t, I wont - I can’t last.”

You kiss his temple softly, whispering reassurance that you don’t care to have him last, you just want to have him. Once he’s centered himself again he continues his struggle to expose your body to him. The final button falls open like the curtain to a play and he stares down your scantily clad torso like an audience in awe.

His hand moves on its own as he admires you. It dips into the waistband of your sweatpants and swipes over your clothed clit.

Your head falls forward to rest on his shoulder with a quiet moan as he groans into the air. Your grip on his cock tightens a bit in response to the sensation and he hisses. “Please tell me I can feel you. Is it okay? Can I?”

He doesn't want your first time to be here but he wants you. He needs you.

Hyunjin hooks a finger into the damp gusset of your panties and pulls it to the side just enough to slip a finger into your waiting cunt. You pant in his ear, wanton moans bubble over the brim of your lips as his free hand cradles the side of your neck. “Look at me, please look at me, baby.”

He runs his thumb over your cheek, brushing over the path of your dried tears. “So pretty, this must be a dream.” You shake your head. Speaking between moans. “Not a dream, baby.”

He slips in another finger as you circle your palm over the head of his cock and you both moan. “Please tell me I can.” He leans his forehead against yours, his desperate eyes reflect the look in your own.

“You can. Please, I want you to.”

“Have you ever thought about it?” He’s asking before he can process it and you’re shaking your head before he can even finish his sentence. A shy glaze washes over your desperate gaze as you watch him undress you.

“You’re all I ever think about.” He whispers as he hooks his thumbs into the band of your pants. “You’re all I’ve wanted for the past year.”

“I’ve loved you since my birthday.” You blurt out, vulnerable eyes peering into his. “Maybe even before that.” He runs a finger over your clothed cunt and you shudder under the touch.

“I wanted to kiss you the night of your birthday. You looked so beautiful but you were wasted. You wouldn’t have remembered. I just stared at you, I took your make-up off and I brushed the hair from your face and you stared back at me. I was just dying to kiss you. I was dying to confess.” Your hand runs slowly up his shaft and he swears that he feels electric.

“I wanted to kiss you too.” He’s quiet, staring back at you with a smile. “That’s why I was staring”

“I kissed your forehead when you fell asleep.” He pulls your panties down your legs, allowing them to pool at his feet with your sweatpants. “I knelt by your bed and whispered my confession to you.”

His fingers are filling you again and you gasp while staring into his eyes. “I wanna hear it.” You whisper through a moan.

“You want to hear my confession?” You nod, your gently fucked out gaze stares into his like your hypnotized by the moment. He scissors his finger into you, stretching you out just a bit before you’re gasping from the stretch of him replacing his fingers with his length.

“Fuck, you’re inside of me.” Hyunjin stills with a groan. His forehead rests on your shoulder while he silently begs himself not to come undone just yet. He sucks in a breath before he recites all that he can remember.

“You’re everything that I thought it would be to fall in love.” He whispers as he pulls back, thrusting into you slowly. “You really snuck up on me, I don’t know what I expected though.” He lifts his head to look at you as he sinks back into you. “You became my world so quickly. So effortlessly.”

You cup his face with both of your hands as you bite back your moans. You want to hear him loud and clear. You want to remember every word. “I should’ve known that I’d fall in love when I first met you.” He picks up the pace, falling into a messy rhythm that’s accompanied by a fit of moans and grunts.

He struggles to keep his eyes on you. They flutter shut with each thrust as he feels himself float closer and closer to his climax. “Baby, I won’t last.” You wrap your arms around his neck and one of his wraps around your waist while the other rests on your thigh before creeping over to softly pinch and rub your clit.

“Hyune, you’re gonna make me - gonna -” He cuts you off with a sloppy kiss, his tongue brushes over your parted lips to request access before making room for itself against yours.

“If you tell me that you’re gonna cum I won’t last another second.” He whispers against your lips and you moan against his.

“What if I tell you that I love you.” Hyunjin’s eyebrows pinch at the confession. That’s way worse than telling him that you’re close. “I’ve loved you back for as long as - as long as you’ve loved me.”

“Rose, baby, you’re gonna -” It’s your turn to kiss him now, it’s a mess of teeth and tongue but you love it. You love him and him you.

You both pull away in tandem, twin moans ripping through your chests as you both announce yourself to the other.

“I’m cumming, I’m cumming.” Hyunjin pulls out of you, painting your thighs in his sticky white release while his fingers toy with your clit to ride you through your orgasm. It’s loud and messy and beautiful. A romantic elegance that you want to live in for as long as it’s available.

Once you’ve both come down from your high Hyunjin kisses your sweaty forehead and you kiss his. He pulls his bottoms up before grabbing the cleanest paint rag he has to clean you up. A comfortable silence settles around you as you ground yourself and take in the space.

“You didn’t finish that one.”

He follows your gaze over to the painting of the pale pink rose. The middle of the canvas contrasts the rest with nothing but dull line art to show the completed picture. It looks like a work in progress. “I know, but I think I like it like that.” He looks back over at you and you at him.

“It looks like you."

It’s been seven months. Graduation has come and gone in the middle of your blooming relationship with Hyunjin and you’ve dedicated each and every second of your budding love to taming the flame.

Each kiss from him has kept the spark of fear at bay and each touch has taught you how to stop running. It’s been a slow and cautious process that he is more than proud to be a part of. He takes pride in it. He takes pride in being with you.

The smooth breeze of late summer brushes against your skin as you step out of your car. The white dress that Hyunjin picked out for you sticks to you like paint on a canvas as you make your way up to the art gallery.

It’s buzzing inside, people stand and stare in awe at each piece while whispering and pointing to their favorite details. You stop and stand in the middle of it all, taking it all in with a slow spin on the balls of your feet. You take in every corner until you turn around completely and you’re met with the face of the artist himself.

“Hi.” Hyunjin smiles down at you, brown baggy flannel hanging from his shoulders.

“Hi.” You stare back at him with a gleaming smile in your eyes. You take in every inch of him, scanning him like he should be framed and hanging on the walls around you.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Hyunjin wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him. “I like staring at you.” Your response makes him beam a shy smile.

“You should be staring at the art. The artist might get sad if you don’t.” He kisses your forehead before letting you go. Some people around you stare over at the two of you with curious eyes. They’re eager to put a face to the muse of the showing artist.

You take his hand and lead him over to the piece that a couple is walking away from. You stand in front of it hand in hand as you study it for what feels like the millionth time. “This one is my favorite.” The incomplete pale pink rose stares back at you.

“And why is that?” Hyunjin has that smile in his eyes as he stares up with you. The memory of this piece's origin plays behind his eyes like a memorized movie.

“I’ve been told that it looks like me.” You lay your head on his shoulder and wrap your arm around his. A chill runs up his spine and he blames it on you. You and the love he feels glowing pink and white around you.

“There you are.” History repeats itself as the lady that you’ve come to know as Dalia interrupts the two of you. “I wanted to check in with you, how does it feel to finally have your own exhibition?”

Hyunjin smiles at her politely, turning towards her a bit with his fingers still threaded through yours. “It’s amazing. Thank you, you’ve done a wonderful job putting this together.”

“Oh, please, it’s nothing. This is all you.” You watch her as her eyes smile just as they always have. Her hand brushes over his arm in a carefully calculated move. She’s still shameless and unprofessional. “This piece is my favorite. The unfinished look is unique and raw. What inspired this one?”

You grin to yourself as you listen to her. She’s trying so hard that it’s difficult not to laugh.

“Actually.” Hyunjin pulls your hand a bit, leading you forward so that you’re right next to him. It’s impossible for Dalia to ignore you now. Her eyes scan you reluctantly and the smile on her face falters for a second before she pulls it together. Gosh, that's gratifying.

“My lovely rose here is the inspiration for it all.” Hyunjin looks over at you with a glow that is unmatched even by the largest of flames. “None of this would be possible without her.”

It’s like Dalia disappears once Hyunjin looks over at you. You’re the only two in the room as far as you’re concerned. “Oh, well that’s just - that’s wonderful.” Her staggered speech pulls you both out of your loving haze.

“Such a … sweet profession of love.” She glares over at you though you’re sure that in her head she’s doing a wonderful job at hiding her contempt. “I should make sure that everything is running smoothly. Please excuse me.”

She clears her throat awkwardly before she departs, you and Hyunjin both bid her smiling farewells before turning to each other with wide smiles. “Show off.” You push his shoulder playfully and he laughs.

“I didn’t do anything.” You roll your eyes as you both wander over to the next piece on the wall. You stare up at the two pink roses in a lone vase, a shadow of sunlight casts down on them both as they rise towards its shining glow.

A comfortable silence blankets the two of you while you listen to the soft buzz of the people around you. You squeeze his hand softly and he squeezes back just as you open your mouth to speak.

“She still wants to fuck you.” He smiles

“Shut up.”

Thank you for reading! I'd love to know what you thought about this fic! Leave a comment or send an ask to let me know! ❣️

ALSO, please follow my back-up acct. @minniee-verse 💕

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exchangestudentnova · 1 year ago

Text

Revenge

Features: Yandere! Pro player Alexis Ness and Kaiser's crush! afab! Reader

Content: SFW, suggestive, manipulation (on Ness's part)

Term of endearment used for reader: cutie, darling, pretty thing

Ness knew that Kaiser liked you even before Kaiser himself could recognise his feelings for you.

If you ask anyone else, they'll say they aren't sure, after all Michael Kaiser does not wear his heart on his sleeve.

But it's different for Ness

Being Kaiser's support as a midfielder and his loyal friend made Ness very good at judging Kaiser's emotion. And the one Kaiser felt for you was love.

Even his action spoke of such. Purposefully making eye contact with you from across the room, letting you sit next to him, long conversation that never seem to end. Even the small touches here and there did not escape his eyes.

Well, it's not like there was any bad blood between Kaiser and Ness. It's just that Ness can't bring himself to forget the pain and sorrow brought by Kaiser's words as he casually abandons him to go join another team. How he seems to forgot how hard Ness worked to let him be the star of the show. Now playing for different teams, they only have light conversations during events that invite all the German football clubs.

In events where you, a famous event organiser, were there.

"Hm? How is it that you're sitting all by yourself?" Ness did not hesitate to strike up a conversation when he saw the chance. "Oh, if its not Alexis Ness, care to join me for dessert?" "The only dessert I see is standing in front of me" he remarks with a wink, making you laugh sweetly. Oh he definitely understands Kaiser now. "Well but I'm not the type to refuse an offer from a cutie like you" "Oh another great football player calling me cute today, is it my lucky day or what?" 'Another' huh?

He guides you towards the couch where he orders a luxurious dessert for the two of you, on his tab of course. Conversation is made, him asking about you and you asking about him. It must have been quite a while before Kaiser's topic came up.

"So, for how long have you been friends with Kaiser?"

"Kaiser and I go way back. We used to be on the same team"

"Ah he did mention that! He's so debonair and sexy!"

"Oh really? Did something special happen?" You nod. "I said we'll go out on a date if he manages to score a hat trick in his next game. And guess what? He said he'll do it! Ahh he's so cool"

"Well that's Kaiser for you. If he said so he'll most likely do it. *sigh* but it is sad to see such a pretty thing like you being nothing but a name to cross off of his list"

You had 'shocked' written all over your face. "W-what do you mean?" Here it is. " Oh you didn't know? How he's just pursuing you just to get you in bed? Just a little bit of fun before he loses interest in you" "B-but how is that possible? I thought-" "Oh darling I wouldn't have told you about it if I didn't see many girls running out of his bedroom with tears in their eyes"

You looked genuinely sad, an expression which made him almost regret what he has done. "Hey, it's okay, you didn't know. Don't look sad. Here, put your head on my shoulder" Ness comforted you through the pain he had to create himself.

It was the next event where Ness met Kaiser, the one 3 days after Kaiser's match. "Hey Kaiser, long time no see! Congrats on your hat trick! It must have been difficult to pull off" Ness congratulated him with a handshake. "Of course, it's bound to happen when you're the best striker in the world" he has an arrogant smile plastered on his face, but his eyes are searching for someone. Ness knows who.

"Alexis~" "Darling! You're here!" You flug your arms around Ness, his first name rolling off your tongue showing your intimate relationship. Kaiser eyes widen as you proceed to place a kiss on his cheeks. You don't even make eye contact with Kaiser as Ness speaks for the two of you.

"Sorry I did introduce her. This is my girlfriend"

#blue lock #blue lock x reader #alexis ness #alexis ness x reader #yandere #bllk x reader #yandere blue lock #yandere bllk #yandere blue lock x reader #yandere bllk x reader #yandere alexis ness #blue lock ness #yandere blog #male yandere x reader #blue lock fic

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daniyummy · 8 months ago

Text

I'm sorry for this being late! I was sick all week and just had zero motivation, but here's the fanfic from my voting, and they have spoken, they want a Colby fanfic! Genuinely excited for this!

I want an angsty story, so, here I am!

Part 1 | Part 2

Use of Y/N and cussing

Happy reading!

—————

Sure, Colby had hooked up with plenty of girls, but never a long term relationship. And, yeah, he's had a few girls that stayed for maybe two months but he got bored of just sex and them begging to go public after barely two months. How was he supposed to react when he got a woman?

"Girls and women are the same thing, brother. Just another girl after your fame." His friends would tell him, and as much as he knew that his precious woman would never treat him like the girls in the past did, he was still scared. How could he not be? He's never had a real woman. He didn't know how to act. It was just different. Naturally, he started acting like a douche. staying out late with no clear answer on when he'll be back, and most nights be won't even come back until the next morning.

You, obviously, were getting tired of this behaviour.

"Colby, what the fuck? Where were you all last night?" You look at him in frustration, so close to screaming at him. "Calm the fuck down, jesus christ. I was with Sam and a few friends." He replied, not sounding the least bit interested in having this talk again. "Do not tell me to calm down. You could've at least texted! I was worried!" You're voice on the brink of raising. You were fucking pissed. Nearly five months of this shit.

"Does it really matter that much? I'm safe." Colby replys, he groans, his head pounding from the hangover. "That doesn't mean I don't deserve a fucking text. You're treating me like I'm just an annoyance to you at this point." You huff and cross your arms. He snorts. "Not wrong there." He mumbles and your eyes widen, you laugh. "You know what? Fuck you, Colby Brock. I'm done with this shit. We've been dating for nearly five months, and you still treat me like a hookup! We're done. Get out of fucking house, now." You demand. Colby sits up and looks at you. "Over a text, Y/N? Grow up." He chuckles, yet in a condescending manner. What a prick. Did he think he was too good to be broken up with?

"No, Colby, not over a text. Over your lack of commitment. I get it, you've haven't had healthy relationships in the past but you can't just assume the worst." You look at him in anger. "Don't raise your voice at me, Y/N." Colby ordered, you laughed. "Shut the fuck up, Brock. Do not tell me what to do. And get out of my apartment." You yell, he rolls his eyes and stands up, grabbing his phone and walking out of your room to grab his backpack, not realizing the gravity of his actions. "Leave the key." You cross your arms. "What?" His eyes widen.

"You heard me, leave my key." Those words pull him back to reality as he reaches in his pocket for your spare apartment key you gave him. He sets it on your counter and leaves your apartment, his shoulders slump as he heard the door lock and he walks downstairs, taking his phone out and calling his friend, Sam. "What's up?" Sam asks, Colby sighs. "Can you pick me up?" Colby sighs. "Thought you were with Y/N until we leave tomorrow?" Sam questions confused. "Yeah, well, she broke up with me.." He mutters, shame and sadness in his voice. "Oh, shit..why?" Sam's concern evident in his tone. "I don't want to talk about it right now, too hungover. Just please come get me, man.." He rubs his eyes. "Yeah, of course, send your location."

After a long 15 minutes, Sam's car slows down in front of Colby and Colby gets in, Sam looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "I was a dick. I rarely told her when I'd get home, where I was and who I was with. I messed up, man.." Colby voice breaks and he covers his faces, trying not to cry. Sam looks at him in pure shock, he's never seen him nearly cry over a girl, hell Colby barely cries in front of same. "Shit, brother..you must've really liked her.." Colby looks at Sam. "I loved her.." He mumbles, love is not a word he throws around a lot.

They arrive home and Colby immediately goes to his room, he lays in his bed and holds back tears. How could be be such an idiot? He lost an amazing girl. He grabbed his phone and went to check social media, his eyes starting to water as he noticed that you blocked him in everything, besides Instagram. You didn't use it much, so you most likely forgot. He was quick to make a post, he posted a picture of you two, you cuddle into his chest as he smiled and took pictures, he typed a caption explaining how he was a douche and how much he was sorry, asking you to talk to him and ending it with a "I love you, Y/N. That's not a word I say to everyone, you're the first girl that treated me good and I took advantage of that, and I'm sorry. Truly."

He posted it and it got over a a million likes and hundreds of thousands of comments tagging your account and asking him if he's okay.

He just hopes you see it.

—————

The end! Yes, there will be a part two and I'm happy with how this turned out, let me know if you have any suggestions for part two and feel free to send requests as well, tell me something I could do better for future fanfics! Reblogs, comments and likes are appreciated!

Thanks for reading!

-★⋆Dani⋆★-

#colby brock #colby x reader #colby brock angst #sam and colby #sam golbach #daniyummy

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lunar-years · 6 months ago

Note

Re: the fic tropes from the s2 hiatus, I have a related thought or question.

I would welcome your thoughts or recs (including recs of your own fic) because I admittedly found the OT3 WAY more easy to believe in fic in the s2 hiatus, in terms of Jamie joining an established RoyKeeley, even if the signs for the RK break up were there in retrospect. I now find it hard to believe in, post finale (well, post fight - up until half way through the finale we were looking good.) I still read lots of OT3 things that diverge at different points in the show, up to and including mid finale, and them simply not taking their bullshit argument to Keeley’s door, but I CANNOT see a path back from that after they do it, only to RJ, in a strictly canon compliant post finale fic. Of course Keeley becomes friends with them again but the events of canon made me feel like she fully closed the door on either of them in that scene for good, and I can't see it working out the way I once could. That's a let down, and makes me sad especially after 3.11! I used to not even like RJ without K, I much preferred OT3.

So what are your fave fics that deal with them getting together post finale - as in, one that doesn't diverge and that deal with what actually happened? I want a fic to really to sell me on it, if that makes sense, because the show really didn't in the end, it felt like it killed it. (Even with the barbecue scene - it felt like potential for RJ + Friend Keeley to me.)

Can you help me believe in the possibility again?

Hello!! First off, let me apologize in advance for what I'm fearing might end up a lengthly response to what was a very simple question, and frankly more than you probably wanted to know lol. That said, I feel like I need to preface my suggestions a bit first to help explain my breakdown of the recs so here's just a few things to keep in mind:

So, I don't see Keeley kicking them out after their bullshit argument to be a permanent door closure on the possibility for a relationship, which obviously influences my enjoyment of post finale ot3 fics greatly. Instead, I sort of just view it as Keeley drawing a hard boundary on what she's willing to put up with, and categorically deciding that she not going to engage with either of them when they're being that idiotic (enormously valid of her). HOWEVER, I honestly believe all it would take is a genuine apology from them to allow them both back into her good graces (look at how easily she forgave Roy after he gave her that sort of half-arsed [imo] apology letter! Now, obviously that didn't fix anything between them, and Keeley was in a particularly vulnerable place when it happened, and possibly their subsequent decision to sleep together then made things worse for their future romantically, but they are also undeniably back to genuine friendship + complicated feelings about ~more~ in the very next episode! I think this situation would go very much the same way.)

NOW, I'm not saying that's like... an entirely healthy and well-adjusted basis for a romantic relationship right off the go, just that I do think that Keeley would accept their apology and return to being friends with both of them really speedily. And that I don't think the lingering romantic feelings between them all (that imo, we do see hints of all season) would disappear. The big problem with roykeeley that led to the breakup was their inability to communicate their needs and feelings and what they wanted out of their relationship, alongside an inability to be truly vulnerable about their emotions. But i think s3 made it very clear to me how much the love is still there between them, and I'm of the belief that all it would take to fix them would be an honest conversation where they acknowledge they've hurt one another, admit they still love each other, and come up with a plan to move forward. I think the solution would be similar for budding ot3--they just need that heart to heart moment to hash it all out, because the love is there!

As such, the most "realistic" path forward for ot3 post-finale the way I see it is for all three of them to agree to be ~just friends~ for the foreseeable, giving Keeley time to focus on herself & her career and explore the self-discovery that comes with being single for once, as well as giving Roy time to develop a routine with therapy and work esp. on the issues that promoted him to initiate the bullshit finale fight with Jamie in the first place. I do not necessarily think anyone but Jamie is necessarily ready for any relationship where we leave them in s3, so I feel very similar about routes forward for RJ, JK or RK and I do for RJK. Eventually though (because let's face it, I do think they're all deeply horny for one another as well as share deeper feelings) the simmering, underlying sexual tension would boil over and the friendship would develop into more.

But all that said...I also am very easy to please and can be made to believe in pretty much any route to ot3, so I enjoy most interpretations of how they get together post finale/*that* fight. I love that it was left so open-ended, it makes it so easy for me to enjoy most fics about how they might get together

I say all this not to argue over your different interpretation (which is a totally valid one!) or to try to suggest everyone needs to see it how I see it, but rather to sort of warn you I guess that some of the fics I'm recommending might not be as successful for you as you were for me, because I see the situation so differently.

I think a lot of canon-compliant post finale fics (mine included tbh) tend to sweep the fight moment under the rug (as in, it gets mentioned that the boys apologized or what have you, but there's also been at least a few weeks time jump since the finale and the three of them have kind of moved on from that evening) because myself and other authors maybe see it as less of a major dealbreaker that needs to very addressed before the three can more forward. I have tried to curate the fics out accordingly into categories that will hopefully steer you in the right direction, but it's also been a while since I've read a lot of these:

Category A: Very convincing (imo) canon-compliant getting-together post finale fics that don't necessarily address the final fight head on:

The Third Wheel by scintilla10; a very cute one-shot based around the idea that Jamie and Keeley have a heart to heart in Brazil and then bring that energy back home to Roy.

Upside Down by @morethanslightly; post finale, they're all friends! then Jamie and Keeley go to Brazil and more occurs :)

take away the glass by @izzyspussy; OK...so to be fair... This one explicitly states in the leading author's note that it ignores everything that happens in the finale, lol. However, it's so good and otherwise (imo) very in line with canon that I'm recommending it to you anyway, even though it doesn't match the brief. JamieKeeley get back together first, which is a unique take I haven't seen in any other fic that nonetheless feels SO fitting for the dynamic in s3. I just really think this is the post-series fic that could convince you on the three of them again :)

Oh, Lord, You've Never Been So In Love by asexual-fandom-queen; post finale friends to lovers, the fight is mentioned in what i think is a very effective way, but not really focused on.

Triangles by @catalogercas- I love fics where Phoebe is the one to knock some sense into them :)

Category B: Post-finale ot3 fics that DO address the finale/fight of it all head on:

How to Build A Triangle (or accidentally fall headlong into one, or whatever the fuck) by SquaresAreNotCircles; very fun but also They Talk About It! Pretty in line with how I see how things actually playing out in canon, tbh.

boyfriend lessons by @mixtapestar; so this is in alignment with "they apologize, Keeley forgives them and they all move on" which I realize might be enough accountability for the way you view the fight, but there's fun twists and I love anything that involves shenanigans and also their Brazil trip.

it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning - butterflybook; a quick one-shot about the boys apologizing & Keeley forgiving them (author notes this happens quickly, but they share my sentiment that that is pretty in character for Keeley)

Category C: Maybe less convincing, given canon, in terms of like, long-term stability for the relationship without further conversation and hard work, but definitely convincing for in-the-moment rampant horniness:

three turns by scintilla10; this is about Keeley inviting them back in immediately after kicking them out for horny purposes, so I'm not sure you'd be convinced by this lmao. But it's also so fun, so I thought I'd throw it on the list anyway for others people who might be interested and/or if you read some category A stuff that gets you back in the ship and then want to try something different

Triple blend by Dancey96; this definitely takes some liberties with what Keeley may have said before kicking them out. so it's "canon-compliant" in a very loose way I don't think aligns with what was actually intended in canon, lol. BUT! It works for them and it's fun and it's hot and it's a fun way to play with what happened so maybe it would make you feel better about the scene! idk

Heart Trouble by @morethanslightly this is another play on the scene that maybe doesn't address their problems as much as you would need, but gosh it is sexy and fun!

Category D: My own fics that may or not be your speed but I'm throwing in to self promo anyway:

Confetti ; This follows the concept that they're all friends post finale and then slowly the dynamic starts to change; fluffy getting together fic ft. Roy's family

last to leave the party ; another iteration of the above but this time it's years of friendship between the three of them post the finale before the something happens that causes things to shift back around to romance

Actually, the one I'm writing now (RJK friends with benefits) is I think going to be the one that addresses what you are looking for most head on (in terms of dealing with the direct aftermath of the finale and staying completely canon compliant). So stay tuned!

If anyone else has any suggestions or would like to self-rec one of your own fics for anon, please add them/share them with me!

#i think it was sort of hard for me to put together recs because the thing that bothers you a lot doesn't so much bother me!#so I'm sorry if this is not what you are looking for. I did my best :)#royjamiekeeley #roy kent #jamie tartt #keeley jones #ted lasso #asks #fic recs #post finale fics #ship post

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johannesviii · 11 months ago

Text

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2023

What a weird year for pop music, full of strange trends, confusing garbage and unexpected hits. Once again, even if the charts don’t always reflect it, music as a whole is currently very interesting to follow closely.

Disclaimers / Rules:

I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these lists. There’s songs that charted in my country way higher than they did in the US, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

No song that I already put on a previous list is elligible.

No old hit song that is re-charting due to a holiday or a trend is elligible either.

Of course there will probably be stuff in French somewhere on this post. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible.

I have sound-to-color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

A lot of bad stuff happened to me this year (several accidents in a row, and also my cat died) but some good stuff too, thank goodness. I only went to two concerts this year (Bloodywood and BMTH), but they were both absolutely amazing. Pretty sure the Bring Me The Horizon one was the best concert I ever went to, actually, and there's a lot of competition considering all the great ones I went to in 2022. I'm just sad 100 gecs had to cancel theirs, I was really looking forward to it. Oh well.

Let’s start with the good or interesting albums that came out in 2023, and oh my, that's a long list already.

Albums

Starting as usual with stuff that disappointed me: Depeche Mode's Memento Mori was... actually it was all right, but I miss the days when I could get excited about a new Depeche Mode album, I really do.

Pink Tape by Lil Uzi Vert was a giant fucking mess. There's some absolute bangers on it, and then you get to the next track and it's the worst thing you've ever heard. Which makes for an interesting listening experience, for sure, but one I'm in no hurry to repeat. At least it's never boring.

After the Magic by Parannoul isn't exactly my cup of tea, but you should definitely listen to it once, I think. It's something special. It might grow on me, though, because I only listened to it for the first time last month.

On the other hand, I listened to Scaring the hoes by Jpegmafia and Danny Brown a while ago, and while this one is definitely not my cup of tea, it's also a ton of fun and I don't feel like a single second of my time was wasted on it. You should listen to it for the samples alone, and just out of sheer curiosity if nothing else.

A kiss for the whole world by Enter Shikari is a weird beast, because the singles are absolutely incredible, but then the rest is a big pile of nothing (at least in my opinion). But the singles, man. I really don't know how to judge it as a whole, the quality is on a rollercoaster.

Kind of the same thing happened with Electric Sun by VNV Nation, one of my favorite bands of all times if not my favorite, if you recall. Some tracks completely floored me, the rest was meh. Oh well. Noire was so incredibly good that I can live with an average VNV album dropping after it.

Fanfare by Dorian Electra was full of absolute bangers but... I don't know, there's some of the madness of the previous record missing. And yes, I'm saying the album containing the minion line (you know the one) is more serious than My Agenda. Go figure. But it's still very good!

Two different friends told me to listen to 4D by Blank Banshee, so I did, obviously. Great electro album. Send tweet

I'm not entirely sure what to think of Atta by Sigur Rós. I cried several times while listening to it for the first time and it's a genuinely impressive series of tracks, but it's also so devastating I've only relistened to it twice since then.

I only discovered Svalbard a couple of years ago, and this year they dropped The weight of the mask, which might be even better than their previous album. It's mostly about depression and trying to fake normality while being depressed. Not a very pleasant topic, and yet this is full of energy and... hope? Everything sounds unbearably bright and between the screams, you feel like everything will be better eventually. Great stuff.

Speaking of depression, there's also No joy by Spanish Love Songs. If you recall their previous album was my album of the year a few lists ago. Their sound changed slightly, and at times it almost sounds like The Killers, but not in a bad way. There's a couple of tracks I don't like very much, but the writing is still on point, and some tracks are among my faves I put in the "unelligible songs" part.

Census Designated by Jane Remover, on the other hand, came out of nowhere just to kick me in the face. I don't even know what to say about that one. Go listen to it.

I found Gunship almost by accident a few months ago, and they immediately dropped a new album, called Unicorn. It's just a huge pile of great synthpop through and through - if you don't mind a couple of really stupid lines (godddd that third track is full of them). The other downside is that it's way too long (more than an hour), and if it was up to me, I'd remove at least four tracks from it. Unlike...

...10000 gecs by, who else, 100 gecs. It's less than half an hour long and it's so fun and so varied in its sounds and so stupid while still being incredibly well produced. For the longest time I couldn't decide which one of the last five albums on this list was my favorite, and then I relistened to all of them in a row and felt compelled to play this one a second time after I was done. Definitely worth the wait.

Unelligible Songs

This is kind of a non-hits rec list of sorts, but you know the drill. I also have to mention that two songs from previous lists (The Magic Key by One-T and Dernière Danse by Kyo 2003 represents) recharted this year for some unfathomable reason.

Gonna start with my fave tracks on some of the albums I already mentioned. Because why not.

The only song I consider great on the Depeche Mode album was People are good which sounds like character development considering People are people also exists

Speaking of Depeche Mode, one band arguably out-depeche-moded them this year so let me introduce you to ††† (Crosses) with Ghost ride, Invisible hand and Holier

Lil Uzi Vert is next with Suicide doors and its deranged intro immediately followed by FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR BITCH then Uzi following that by stating they're the Crow. Yes, really. Also there's Werewolf, literally a Bring Me The Horizon song with Lil Uzi Vert on it, and if I had a nickel every time that happened this year I'd have two nickels, which isn't much but-

Wait let me interrupt this list with another song called Werewolf which I've listened to WAY too much this year. It's the kind of song you listen to ironically at first but after the tenth time that happens you realise it's no longer ironic and you love it for real. Seeing Motionless In White live kinda helped, not gonna lie, but still

For Enter Shikari, we have A kiss for the whole world, Bloodshot, and especially [pls] set me on fire, which might be one of my most listened to tracks of 2023, actually

VNV Nation had Wait, Invictus, and Artifice, which are all absolute bangers in my opinion. Ronan is angry and we love to hear it

By the way this year Pink released an extremely VNV-like song called Trustfall and it's very good but also uncanny

Kylie Minogue is also doing something vaguely similar with Hold on to now but in a more mainstream normal way btw

And then for something completely different, we have Dorian Electra singing about obsessive fans on Symphony, fame on Wanna be a star, and most importantly writing anon hate and immediately deleting it on anon

Run is the first track of the Blank Banshee album I rec'd and it's only one minute long so listen to it maybe

Technically I can recommend Gold if you want some taste of the Sigur Rós album but you need to listen to the entire album to get the full crushing effect

Svalbard isn't going to lighten up the mood with How to Swim Down and Faking it

Neither is Spanish Long Songs with Clean-up crew, Marvel, Here you are and Lifers, the last one being notable for having what's possibly my fave bridge of the entire year, and all of them for being endlessly quotable. Stay alive out of spite everyone

Also not lightening up the mood is Jane Remover with Census Designated on the album also called Census Designated

But what's this? It's Gunship with a steel chair trying to punch some joy into this list with Holographic heart, Nuclear Date Night, Taste like venom and Monster in paradise!!

And the gecs with a second steel ch- wait no it's a plastic chair shaped like a frog. Anyway here's Dumbest girl alive and Hollywood baby, and both of them go wayyy harder than they have any rights to

ok that was a lot of songs already. Here's Everything goes on by Porter Robinson as a palate cleanser

Also the first reggaeton song to ever end on one of my playlists, Sci-fi by Tainy and Rauw Alejandro

Also I'm gonna put a gif here otherwise Tumblr won't let me post something with such a long uninterrupted list in it

Ok back to the list of recs

Let's get the humiliation out of the way and say that this year I listened to Raining blood but it's super emo more than I ever listened to Raining blood in all my years combined

Oh yeah and Linkin Park released some old (finished and unfinished) tracks from the Meteora era and I'm kinda pissed off cause Lost missed the year end list. Fighting myself is excellent too, and if you want a really heartwrenching unfinished track, Resolution has a giant Chester-shaped hole where its chorus should be and the lyrics make it even worse. You're welcome

Possibly the most mainstream song on this entire rec list but I'm also pissed off Bad Idea right? by Olivia Rodrigo didn't chart enough to count for my top ten hit songs

I can offer you Eat the acid by Kesha if you want an awesome but mildly disturbing listening experience

For some electro/future pop here's Head over heels by Solitary Experiments

Wait there's also Bring the noise by Neuroticfish

Over is there if you need some Chvrches doing some Chvrching

Justice for Gladiator by Jann

Pointing at Even Jesus got the blues by Gabe Lee and saying I would listen to more country if it sounded half as good as that song, not like anyone cares

Holding on to nothing by Sierra. Send tweet

Northwind + Sky-colored dream by Strawberry Hospital and Parasite Heart is just seven minutes of cool pastel screams

And for an absolute goth banger everyone collectively decided to ignore here's Train to Harlem by Korine

I can't get enough of Nosebleeder by Lil Lotus and that's probably mildly embarrassing at my age but I've decided to stay mildly embarrassing forever

kisses by Slowdive if you want vibes and vibes only

Blood and sugar by Boys Like Girls if, like me, you want something that sounds exactly like The 1975

Choose your fighter by Ava Max if you want something that sounds exactly like Barbie Girl

I really wish I could explain what my feelings are every time I listen to The King by Anjimile but the only thing I'm sure about is that I'm feeling something a LOT and that it's terrifying

On a lighter note here's Mall rat by Durry, a very upbeat pop punk song about mall goth teenagers having fun and it's extremely good, listen to it immediately if you're having a bad day

And as some of you might have expected because of that previous gif, we're gonna finish with some Bring Me The Horizon, who have joined my list of favorite bands alarmingly quickly (that new album can't drop soon enough), and let's just say LosT and especially AmEN! were some of my absolute fave non-hit songs this year. Seriously. What the fuck was that.

And now, some elligible hits that didn't make the list.

Honorable Mentions

Tiki Taka (Vacra) - Afrobeats is the best thing that happened to the charts in recent years.

Shining Light (Aime Simone) - I wish I liked that artist more.

Unholy (Sam Smith & Kim Petras) - At first I didn't like this one, and then I headcanoned Kim Petras as a girl in a confessional and Sam Smith as the priest on the other side looking concerned but also weirdly into it, and suddenly it was a really funny song.

Dance the night away (Dua Lipa) - I'm pretty sure that's the song Chained to the Rhythm by Katy Perry is talking about

Casanova (Soolking) - This is a borderline guilty pleasure, and also it sounds like Magic System. Which is a bonus, by the way.

Calm Down (Rema) - Afrobeats is the best thing that happened to the charts in recent years 2: the sequel

Rush (Ayra Starr) - Afrobeats is the best thing that happened to the charts in recent years 3: the sequel to the sequel

Strangers (Kenya Grace) - Very good low-key track to play when you're driving at night

Bloody Mary (Lady Gaga) - What can I say. It's Lady Gaga. It's good.

I remember everything (Zach Bryan) - And for "songs that would be on the list if I had good taste-"

Going going gone (Luke Combs) - The last cut from the list. Great earworm, good writing.

THE ACTUAL TOP TEN LIST

This is a very solid list, actually. All of these things are still on some of my playlists to this day.

10 - Bad Habit (Steve Lacy)

US: #39 / FR: Not on the list

This was the last cut from my 2022 top 10 and it was a painful one, so imagine my joy when I saw it was elligible for this year's list too! Welcome back, Steve Lacy, your little song is still an earworm and a half even after all this time.

9 - Cruel Summer (Taylor Swift)

US: #18 / FR: Not on the list

I have no idea how a song that rhymes "oh woah oh" with "summer" can sound so good. Well played, madam. Well played.

8 - Star Walkin' (Lil Nas X)

US: Not on the list / FR: #67

Not the best Lil Nas X song by a mile, and still quite good! It plays a lot at the gym for some reason. The hype is real, even after hearing it pretty much every hour on the hour. And despite that weird, weird line about his dad.

Very surprised it's not on the US year-end list, by the way.

7 - Vois sur ton chemin (Bennett)

US: Not on the list / FR: #69

If you're creeped out by the AI-generated kids in the music video, I think that's kind of the point, which is why I can tolerate it for once.

Anyway, this is a remix of a choir song about lost kids, originally from a retro movie called Les Choristes which came out back when I was a teenager. And now it's been turned into a somewhat creepy techno remix of itself, and you know what's bad about that? Not a single thing actually. Play it again.

6 - Fast Car (covered by Luke Combs)

US: #8 / FR: Not on the list

If you remember correctly, Fast Car was the number one song of the very first list I made in this series (1988). And since this cover is so similar to the original song, I considered making it non-elligible for this list. I counted it in the end but put it kinda low compared to the original. It's only fair.

5 - Anti-hero (Taylor Swift)

US: #4 / FR: Not on the list

I was pretty indifferent to this one at the beginning of the year, but it slowly but surely grew on me. Everything has already been said about this song. So yeah, it's very good. I like it. It's on the list.

Moving on!

4 - Substitution (Purple Disco Machine x Kungs)

US: Not on the list / FR: #56

Some songs just make you want to move every single time you hear them, without fail. The thing is, this one plays a LOT on the radio in public settings, so catch me dancing in the aisles of the local supermarket every time it's on. It's like some memetic SCP bullshit.

At this point, it should be possible to make a great playlist with all the best retro-sounding hits we got in the past five years or so - and yeah, put this one on it too, for sure.

3 - Miracle (Ellie Goulding, Calvin Harris)

US: Not on the list / FR: #51

At some point this was my number one, and can you really blame me? An Ellie Goulding song with a drop that sounds exactly like a Robert Miles track? Really?

Then I realised I loved Robert Miles' tracks because of that dreamy piano/synth melody they all have, and that this song only had a drop/musical chorus that sounded like that, so something was missing. Oh well. Still a fantastic dance track, though.

2 - Escapism (Raye)

US: #48 / FR: Not on the list

Welcome to the other side of most of The Weeknd songs, I guess, but that's also what makes this track so compelling. The intro sounds like anxiety, and even when the song gets more pleasant to listen to it just never goes completely away - just like in the lyrics, in fact. Well written, well produced, everything is on point and if I had better taste it would probably be number one on this list.

Alas, I am what I am.

1 - Just wanna rock (Lil Uzi Vert)

US: #28 / FR: Not on the list

At some point, this was the third song on the list. Why shouldn't it be? It's so brainless compared to Escapism, and laughably short compared to Miracle. It's just a fragment of a song. It sounds like the intro of a track that will never start.

It's also by far my most replayed hit song on this entire top ten list and I can't justify that in any way. So yeah, putting anything else here felt like lying to myself. The fact it never really starts also means the hype never really ends. Going "daaaaaaaaaaaamn" along with Uzi's distorted vocals is so satisfying.

I just wanna rock, man. What a vibe. See you next year!

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #flashing lights tw #eye contact tw #god that one took ages

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 1 year ago

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i had sex for the first time and it was kind of a horrible experience. i was checking out a bdsm club for the first time and a man in his 50s invited me to check out a different (sex) club the next day and bc i genuinely, idiotically thought he just wanted to introduce me to the scene and show me around i went. at the club he bought me a couple drinks, we talked and then he took me to a private room and went down on me. i didnt say no bc i was drunk and curious, and im bad at saying no to people in general. i thought maybe it would be fun. i wasnt into it at all but felt too bad to let him know. i faked an orgasm and left after a while. as we parted he kissed my cheek and said he hopes we can be friends. drunk me told him of course we could. the next morning i was hit with the worst wave of self loathing ive ever felt in my life, as well as just general disgust and regret. i cannot believe my first time was with an old man i feel zero attraction to. i already knew im probably a lesbian, but still i keep trying to be with men and i dont know why. i guess my question is do you have advice on how to get over a sexual experience you regret? how do i come to terms with the fact that my first time was with someone i feel grossed out just thinking about? and was i taken advantage of? im in my early 20s, he didnt know i was a virgin (i active implied that im not), and i know if i had said no he wouldve stopped. i wasnt falling down drunk or anything. he didnt really do anything wrong. i feel so stupid and ashamed of myself. i just wish my first time had been with a woman. i wish i hadnt been so naive and stupid and i wish i hadnt gotten drunk. i know its not true but i feel like no woman will ever want me now. i cant even masturbate bc the idea of doing something sexual, even just alone, reminds me of him and what i let him do to me. how do i move on from this?

hi anon,

I'm deeply sorry that this happened to you.

in this case, I would say the way to make peace with a sexual experience you regret is to understand that you aren't responsible for what was done to you.

to answer your question - yes, you were absolutely taken advantage of, and this person very much did do something wrong! quite a lot of somethings! he made the choice to lure someone younger and less knowledgeable to a secondary location you weren't familiar with, get you drunk, isolate you, and pressure you into sex that you didn't give enthusiastic consent to. all of that is CLASSIC predatory, manipulative behavior and reflects on him - not you.

you mentioned that you feel stupid; PLEASE don't. people are pressured into unpleasant sex all the time, very often in the exact same way you were: being entrapped in a situation where going along with it was easier than saying no. it's vile! and none of those people are at fault!

listen: you need to be on your side about this. would you tell anyone else who experienced this that they're stupid and naive? I hope not. I really hope you can find the compassion you'd extend to any other friend in this situation to yourself, because you're going to be the #1 person getting yourself through this.

feeling bad and gross about what happened is fine; what happened was bad and gross. please let those feelings happen and care for yourself while they do, because those feelings need to be felt! just be conscientious about which feelings you're indulging. it's fine to feel betrayed, violated, regretful, angry, sad, even to mourn for a better first sexual experience you could have had! just make sure to gently nudge yourself back if those feelings start veering into the realm of feeling guilty or responsible for the situation. not only is it unhelpful, it's not even true!

it's very sad that your first sexual experience was with someone you didn't want who treated you the way he did. in the future, when you're ready, I hope you'll be able to pursue healthier, mutually pleasurable experiences on your own terms. don't rush yourself to get back to any kind of sexuality, masturbation included - a good long break while you sort through your feelings may be very needed. there's no timeline you need to be on to recover from this; please don't get down on yourself for taking the time and space you need. if you don't have anyone in person you feel able to talk with, looking up online support and resources for people who have experienced sexual assault may be beneficial.

also, hey, please don't play the game of trying to say you don't belong in survivor spaces or how this wasn't an assault because your belief that he would have stopped if you'd told him to (a very generous assumption!) or because you led him to believe you had more sexual experience or it could have been worse or whatever. the feelings you're experience in the aftermath are textbook of assault survivors; that means the resources are for you!

also hey. listen to me. look at me. if any woman tries to tell you that you are less worthy of lesbian love and companionship because you have had sex with a man. ESPECIALLY a man who was taking advantage of you. you are going to send me their address and I will personally attack them with a baseball bat.

#sex edventures 2023

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applesandbannas747 · 1 year ago

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hello!!

i just finished the fence series and absolutely LOVED it. i thought it was over and felt sad however i see that there are still comics for it (redemption) and novels (striking distance / disarmed). i’m very confused about these. do these stories occur after vol 5? which should i read first, the novels or the comics? i’m not understanding the chronological order…

thanks <3

Hi friend!! Welcome to Fence, I'm so glad you loved it too!! You can read through my long explanations or scroll down to the actual list of reading order XD

The order of everything is unnecessarily confusing and I'm forever annoyed at BOOM (the publishers) for that. First thing to know is that Fence was a single-issue release comic for 12 months, which produced Issues 1-12. After finishing its original run, the 12 issues were bound into 3 volumes of 4 issues each. This wouldn't be too confusing except that Volumes 1-5 use the same covers as Issues 1-5 did, so it can be hard to navigate.

The novels are another interesting aspect of the franchise in that they're more like published fanfiction Pacat (one of the creators of Fence) loves and endorses, but they're not strictly canon despite him insisting that they are at least "80% canon". The novels are a duology by Sarah Rees Brennan that take place between Rise and Rivals (the 4th and 5th volume of the comic). They are not required reading at all, and rather muddy things up because of their strange relationship to canon, so I always tell people not to read them. Granted, I am infamous for hating the novels with every fiber of my being, but genuinely, they don't add anything to the story and the 'is it or isn't it canon' aspect can get frustrating because while Pacat likes to pretend the novels are canon, they literally are not happening in the same timeline as the comics because some MAJOR events took place in the novels that were just retconned in the comics, which picked right back up after Rivals (volume 4) as if nothing had happened. If you love Sarah Rees Brennan more than you love Fence, then read the books, otherwise skip them because they will leave you more confused than anything lmfao

And of course, Redemption is strange simply for the way it's been marketed. When Fence Redemption was announced, it was pitched as an all-new original fence mini-series with a 4-issue run, which left it unclear as to what the fuck it actually was. As it turns out, Redemption seems to just be the continuation of the comic. Whether it's switching back from being categorized as a graphic novel that releases in bundles of 4 chapters to a comic with single-issue releases over a set period of time, it's unclear, but that could be one explanation for the wording that's been used around it. It's also possible it's 'filler' content (imagine beach episodes in animes), which was my assumption when reading the announcement for it, BUT having read the first 2 issues, I think that's unlikely because we're covering some moments that are huge payoff from the things building earlier in the series. It remains to be seen where Redemption falls in terms of the volumes (ie will it be bound as volume 6, or will it remain a 'side' story in the franchise and volume 6 will be the next fully released graphic novel?) I mostly mention this because if you start looking up info on Redemption, it can get confusing about whether it's part of the main story or not, so just know that it certainly is part of the main story and it's fully canon, but it either marks a change in the format of Fence's releases or was a fun detour from the planned volumes.

And finally, for the question you actually asked--the reading order:

Fence Volume 1 (contains issues 1,2,3,4 of the original issues)

Fence Volume 2 (contains issues 5,6,7,8 of the original issues)

Fence Volume 3 (contains issues 9,10,11,12 of the original issues)

Fence Volume 4 "Rivals" (originally released as the full volume)

Striking Distance (the first Fence novel; I recommend not bothering with it)

Disarmed (the second Fence novel; I recommend not bothering with it)

Fence Volume 5 "Rise" (originally released as the full volume; picks up after Rivals without reference to the novels)

Fence Redemption Issue #1

Fence Redemption Issue #2

Fence Redemption Issue #3 (not out yet)

Fence Redemption Issue #4 (not out yet)

note that 1 issue = 1 chapter, the terminology just changes whether the 22 pages of content we're talking about was released in a volume of 4 (chapters) or released on its own (issues).

Thanks for dropping in and letting me talk way to much!

#jackshit #fence comic #thanks for the ask!!💜

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notagoldfish · 1 year ago

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Ooh that's so nice of you!! I hope you don't mind if I complain about something that's actually my fault, but I think I need a virtual hug (which I'm returning of course 🤗). The worst thing the S3 finale did to me (even if it's my fault because I let it happen) is that it made me stop shipping Tedependent and I didn't want to!!! I truly didn't want to!!! It's not the fact that Ted left, it's the way Ted talked to Trent, and logically, rationally, my brain knows Ted was depressed and sad and hurting, but all the same, my heart suddenly was not into Tedependent anymore and I actually suffer because of it!! It's so unfair!!! That ship was in my mind almost 24/7, I loved them with all my heart, I thought it would last, and now nothing!!! And I know it's my fault for letting it happen, but it's still so sad and I'm mourning over it, so I thought to take advantage of you offering free hugs :)

Thank you ❤︎

I hope you have a lovely day/night!

Oof! I'm so sorry! I'm giving you a virtual hug and Higgins with puppies!

On my salty Ted Lasso sideblog, it's always season 3's fault!

They brought Trent in and gave him next to nothing. When he was there and genuinely able to participate in the plot, it was spectacular. I kinda ship Roy/Trent now after that scene in the showers. (And hats off to the few writers holding down that fort on AO3, y'all are so important.) The scene with Colin when they talked at the memorial was beautiful. James Lance is an incredible actor who connects to his scene partner very naturally.

But he and Ted barely interacted this season. And, believe me, I had no delusions that Tedependent was ever going to be canon, but I had hoped to address Trent's feelings for Ted in some way because the first two seasons (and now we know for sure James Lance, bless him) built up that something there, and it would have been interesting to see Trent coming to terms with it while interacting regularly with Ted, even if Ted wasn't aware of what was happening. But it almost seemed like they were trying to walk it back this season.

And the whole thing with Trent being excited about the book and Ted calling him the "laugh police" left a sour taste in my mouth. It was mean, and it was kind of an unexpected gut punch as an autistic who gets like that about stuff a lot. Overall, the way Ted was so cold and distant in the last episode was bad storytelling to me. I won't go into the whole thing again, but I talked before about the lack of catharsis in the finale that led a lot of people (me, I'm a lot of people) to interpret the end as unsettling at best.

FWIW, I don't think it's your fault anyway. I can only speak to my own fandom experience, but I don't really have control over my shipping or what prompts me to read or write fanfic or if I want my fanon to align with my canon or be a separate entity or any of that stuff. I find it's best to just let my feral fandom instincts guide me.

I hope this was in some way helpful, and if not, scroll up! There's Higgins with puppies! Thanks so much for your ask, anon!

#ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #ted lasso critical #ted lasso season 3 #ted lasso finale #tedependent #tedtrent #roy x trent #trent crimm #leslie higgins #ask box #anon ask

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captainkingsley · 2 years ago

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would it be okay if you told about your modern au but put it under a cut to avoid accidental spoilers?👉👈

I’ll see what all I can think of to talk about that might not actually make it into the main fic, but that are still floating around in my head… Mainly because the main fic is almost done and all of that will be out in the world soon enough :3c still readmore'd for the length!

So specifically in this au, Molly, Lucien, and Kingsley are triplets and they’re musicians, and their manager is Gustav, because, well, of course he is. Their whole team that works on shows and marketing are also made up of the circus folk and the Tombtakers, and I might get into it with a side-fic, because the main fic is Caleb’s pov and he’s not entirely familiar with all of it.

A few of the most fun roles I have plotted out for them are Yasha and Zoran handling the security at shows, because who better to do that than them? Yasha is of course still Molly’s best friend and looks out for him, and stops by in the main fic to meet Caleb. Originally my plan was to have them meet at a show, but I couldn’t imagine Molly not letting Yasha meet the person in his first actual romantic relationship far before Caleb winds up at a concert.

(Molly has had a lot of partners, just never long-term, serious relationships. Getting with Caleb is a whole new thing for him.)

Cree is their sound engineer and also has been Lucien’s partner for a significant portion of both their lives. Which is funny in-universe because most of Lucien’s solo work is music that’s about like, edgy lost love, demons, curses, and similar themes. He likes to keep up appearances of being more on the creepy side in terms of his aesthetic, but he and Cree are actually genuinely happy together. Lucien just knows how to work his audience.

And I can’t talk about the partners without also talking about Marius and Kingsley. Marius was a drummer they hired to help them with some album recordings, and then Kingsley kept asking Gustav to re-hire him for later work, and then shows, and it wasn’t until Lucien stopped by Kingsley’s place one afternoon that anyone realized why — Marius was just in Kingsley’s apartment, and that’s how they all found out Kingsley and Marius had been sleeping together basically since Marius was first hired.

So that also means Molly was the only one out of the triplets who was single, and he was fine with that, and then Caleb absolutely intrigues Molly, so… it all works out. Lucien and Kingsley poke fun at him for dating a professor, but Molly thinks Caleb being so smart is attractive, so shut it, guys.

There’s a lot more to all of the relationships within the crew, like Gustav having been one of the first people Elric trusted with helping his siblings after the debacle with the parents, and Ornna handling pyrotechnics and special effects.

Once the fic is posted I hope the person I'm pairing Elric off is as funny as I think it will be. It's a character I desperately want to see interact with Molly because I feel like their energies would be bonkers next to each other.

But. Okay. Music stuff, too. I’m too embarrassed to share the entire playlists but I want to get a vibe across, here are a couple songs that are kind of my inspirations for Molly’s solo stuff,

youtube

Basically super-colorful upbeat stuff that is not the kind of thing Caleb would purposely seek out, but reflects the stage persona Molly gives himself. He’s outwardly the hedonistic partier of the triplets and Caleb is actually pleasantly surprised to find out that sure, Molly enjoys this stuff, but it’s not all of who he is.

Just like Caleb covers his drama and angst and his sad past with his studying and projecting himself to be the serious professor™, Molly covers his own insecurities by leaning into being the pretty one, the dumb one, the one that drinks too much and parties a bit too loud.

But Caleb can recognize that Molly’s smarter than he lets on. He knows people, he’s more emotionally adept than Caleb could ever hope to be! And they help bring those sides out in each other.

#catfish fic #GOD i need a title for it. ive been tossing a couple around but they dont Feel right smh #asks

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mlynar-nearl · 2 years ago

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Hello! Hi, I promised some song recs, so here I am. I have a short Młynar playlist myself, but the catch is I keep the songs Polish-only for immersion, hah. I can quickly translate all of them for you though, so! If you'd like a full eng translation of any of those, lmk! This is getting a little long let me readmore this.

Wieża radości, wieża samotności by Sztywny Pal Azji (Tower of happiness, tower of loneliness). I see this song as very reminiscent of his mental state during his worst years, particularly the lyrics "I live in a high tower, it will defend me / I don't fight with anyone anymore, I don't fight for anything / On a stake are burning all my ideals", as a window into both his isolation and desolation, yet the chorus in itself is almost desperate for some form of getting out of it.

Next up, Chcemy być sobą by Perfect (We want to be ourselves). As the title suggests, it's a song about holding onto hope that one day the singer can simply be himself.. In regards to Młynar, the first verse in particular feels on-brand for him, as it describes a normal, mundane morning of bread, coffee, and a newspaper, before the singer describes throwing the mug at the wall and grabbing the first person he sees to yell at him I want to be myself yet, I want to be myself at last.

Halfway thru! Told you this is a long one haha. Jeszcze będzie przepięknie by Tilt (It will be beautiful yet). This is a very slow and quite a sad song, however it is ultimately about holding onto hope that one day, things will be beautiful, and normal. It opens with a very solemn description of the millions of faces and pains the singer has perceived, before it slowly shifts to a quiet, gradually building up chant of "It will be beautiful yet / It will be normal yet".

Last but not least, a shippy song, so Toland & Młynar get Na zawsze i na wieczność by Wilki (Forever and ever). It's a song about meeting someone for the first time... in the rain. It also has banger lyrics of "Our eyes finally met, like reflections of lost stars / You were close, I understood it all / The one who leaves will always be alone."

I have more but this ask is way too long haha. Have a nice listen, if you do!

it makes me grin like an idiot that "mlynar nearl music from polish bands" is now a genre of ask i get. sure i've gotten it twice now, but both times i've had so much fun and felt so Seen (pos) by other arknights fans that it's always a joy to get more. i really do love listening to non-english music! i'm one of those nerds who would love the power to speak any language fluently. i'm going to start rambling about how cool linguistics is to me if i keep offering my thanks for these so i won't do that and will just get to the point.

sorry if any of this is incoherent, i have mlynar nearl based autism and i haven't eaten anything all day.

first: OHHHH this is so perfect for how he thinks and feels and tries to pretend he is. i say pretend because he's not very good at making it perfectly that he is that person who doesn't care anymore. it's a very good mask, but it does slip, and it slips enough in narrative that we can say with confidence it's a lie he tells himself to try and survive. it's really difficult to be someone who cares but is so inherently helpless, especially when he inevitably has children and a family to care for. he has more going for him than the average kazimierzan, but in terms of what he can get away with, it's a lot less than a lot of people seem to think he's capable of. he tries so hard to be jaded and in some ways he is, in others, he can't fully desensitize himself to the suffering of others and the fact that he has beliefs of his own. and of course, how he would like to stop being in this in between place, but has no idea how to even get out of it after so many years painting himself into being the callous one out of his family.

second: that perfectly flows into this one genuinely. i like the calm beat of it and the flow of the music -u-

it makes me think of post-obscure wanderer where he has a motive to want to get better, to try something else in his life. he has a lot going on and i think an important choice made in OW for him is to decide to put effort into life, something he hasn't really done for a long time thanks to his crushing depression. the idea that everyone kind of refers to with him in canon, especially to some extent that toland and czcibor touch on in NL and OW respectively, that mlynar nearl is not the person we get to see so far, and that he used to be someone else- someone who could, possibly, come back.

third: OOBH this is also good for the similar themes above. it feels a lot like. like. the imagery of him traveling thru kazimierz before and after OW looking for schnitz and yolanta and how he says at the end of OW that whatever hope he's had over the last decade or so barely compares to how he feels right now when he has the little hint czcibor gave him. which is depressing in the context of how little that hint was, but sweet in the context of...it's such a huge improvement for him. he can do better. he's going to do better. there's hope for him! aaah!!! i'm so Normal!!!!

fourth: SHIP MUSIC LET'S GO i'm so normal about these two in a romantic context Genuinely they're so fascinating and so in love. imagery of light and stars always goes miles and miles with them, especially because of toland's description of the night they met, mlynar's rain themes, and how light and rain play against each other visually. and "the one who leaves will always be alone" NGNGNH mlynar having to leave and being ultimately more alone for how nobody in the city or in his family really understands his perspective on things, let alone the way toland does. they have such a unique relationship where they're two of the only people who truly understand each other on a deep emotional level. even their other old friends as far as we know, ie, czcibor, can't actually say they understand either one of them very well. they interface and communicate as people in such a distinct way that even the reader looking at their conversations has to pick out piece by piece what they're really saying, because their conversations flow so well and so subtly. ugh. i love them, i love their nonverbal and between-the-lines communications, and how much they are, in their own ways, a little bit emotionally diminished without each other. because they love and miss each other! auauhghughh!! <- the autism takes over

#ash answers #jagopolis #should i tag when i receive music recs? hm #ak #mytol #long post

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0daytrick0 · 9 months ago

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Starting University...

As of next Monday, I finally start my bachelor of psychological science (again...). After nearly going homeless last year from moving to study, I opted to Instead not give up and complete the undergraduate degree online.

In terms of how I feel I don't really feel anything. I know it's going to be a difference but I won't actually be able to study anything untill next weekend due to work. It's my last week until my contract ends and the last week before the person I'm covering for comes back. I chose to just push on through so that I can end my contact on good terms so they can reinstate me for something good.

They definitely want to keep me, it's just a matter of finding where to put me. Especially since everything (university wise) is on Mondays and Tuesdays, I'm only available from Wednesday to Friday.

I do enjoy working at the hospital and wish to continue doing so. Especially if it helps me get my foot in the door for placement with psychology.

In terms of how ready I am, I have already gotten more ink for my printer, special paper with binders to print my own notebooks (so I can write on my iPad), received my (very expensive) textbooks, bought new pens and a diary, cleaned my PC as well as ordered new parts for it. Overall, I feel I have everything I would ever need to study effectively next week. All I have left to do is to complete the academic integrity modules as well as read any Introduction courses.

I am worried about missing the first official week of uni in terms of reputation. Im worried by missing the first week without saying anything could indeed make me look bad to my teachers. But it's out of my control and it's only one week I'm missing.

I have already gotten on top of all of my cleaning and washing leading me to have no excuses to not study next week. I am worried Im going to be very tired as I'm going to try and get on top of as much as possible at work leading the person I'm covering for not to be thrown in the deep end after her 6 week holiday. If it was a stranger I wouldn't care, but I spent a few weeks with this individual and she was very respectful and very caring. She taught me the ropes in ways that worked for me and never got frustrated with me. I want to go above and beyond for her because of that. And she doesn't deserve to walk into a bucket load of work after being away for so long. She's going to have to teach herself the ropes again.

I'm hoping to go see her Monday morning (after my lecture) the week she's back. Just to pop in and say hello. Answer any questions she has ect.

This is honestly the first job that I have felt genuinely cared for. I recently got really sick and had to be hospitalized, so I missed alot of work. When I returned, to see all the people with genuine concern. To express that happiness upon my return. To offer to help with anything I need. To check my obs whilst I'm on the job. Everyone is just so thoughtful and caring on the surgical ward and it's honestly so heartwarming. To then see everyone be bummed out knowing I leave them very shortly. That i probably won't be back for a while to work with them all. It's honestly makes me a little sad tbh. I have never worked in and industry where people stand by you. Where the staff remain the same. Where people look out for each other and put their own needs above their own. It has honestly been a beautiful thing and I will miss it.

#university #life update #blog #psychology

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warpspeedgirl · 9 months ago

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Records & things to remind myself of when I start getting really sad and anxious about this. I shouldn’t ruminate on crazy and really inconsiderate and rude things she said that I’ll never get an apology or explanation for. Her response to me even having to explain that saying no was a boundary after already pushing and pushing it was “It was just one thing Adisa”. It was never going to go well because she was never going to receive it well. . I really, really didn’t deserve any of that and I won’t accept anyone talking to me like that anymore, especially at a time like this. It hurts so bad still but I’ll be okay. I am okay actually. I’ve gotten better at redirecting my thoughts but I know the thoughts still pop up because I associate it with the loss of our relationship and I really miss her. Probably always will.

OBVIOUSLY if there are rats in our apartment it is both of our problem. Obviously. Now, me going to the office or calling them to see what to do next about the sounds she’s been hearing in her room, is not something that we have equal responsibility to do. That’s the theme where I think she felt like she was in the right and shut down after I said no. If it was something happening in a common area, it would be okay for me to say I can’t today but I would’ve added that I’ll circle back to it later as soon as I can. If it was my room, yes definitely my responsibility. And yes, if I had the time and capacity to help her with that on that day, of course I would’ve helped her and done it (which is why I told her I understood her sense of urgency about it), but I didn’t and I said no. There is nothing wrong with that. It was up to her to call or email or go down to the office and see who to contact and then we can tackle it what happens with the next step together. Everything that transpired after that was absolutely ridiculous and hurtful and just not my fault. I didn’t say “yeah not my problem” I said “sorry I can’t help you with this today it’ll be better for you to tackle this one”. And even that was very reasonable and considerate. And I was STILL trying to understand, get through to her which she deflected (I should’ve expected that), and respect her opinion, sense of urgency which was really just impatience with me when she was not respecting my point of view/opinion/LOGIC at all. That’s who I am. She illogically tried to turn things back around on me (not the first time) when I pointed out that the case manager thing was not okay.

"If you're not going to genuinely understand then I'm not going to explain any further" "If anything I'm just going going to ask for your help anymore"- Ultimatums like that (statements of terms of surrender) create a crack that's very tough to repair in relationships and it makes the other person feel attacked, on guard, and unsafe to continue conversation. It destroys relationships and leaves no room for negotiation or understanding, especially without an apology. It can't be unsaid, on top of it coming across as a manipulative/meltdowny tactic. It's dismissive and silencing, just like how accusing me of "not genuinely trying to understand" reasonably made me feel silenced, dismissed, and so hurt and offended. And the most demented part about it: I didn't do anything wrong. I understood what she was asking, it was not confusing, I said no and she had a lot to say about that. What else was I supposed to think? She said a lot of horrible things to me in unfound and unjustifiable frustration and vast unequivocal indignation. It was completely on her from beginning to end. It was already a tough day for me, that morning I was crying so hard in my bed with Derek comforting me. I was imagining going down to the pool or rooftop with you the next day to talk to you about my predicament. I never thought that just a few hours later, would be the beginning of the end of us. I actually think the beginning of the end started months prior, maybe months before we even moved in now that I think about it. But the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the match in the powder barrel of our friendship, was that afternoon on November 7, 2023. That was the beginning of something new for me though. A new thought process, a new family, it made room for me to consider healthier friendships and understand that you can love someone so much and also be so hurt and sad and have anger about words that they said at the same time. I’m never going to know what she thought I wasn’t understand and it doesn’t matter. I knew that then the moment she wouldn’t stop and when I realized we weren’t, and couldn’t be, friends anymore.

I realized I’m never going to understand why she would it would be okay to talk to me in that manner and say the specific hurtful things she did because it’s never going to actually make any sense. Her words were drenched in ego, entitlement, impatience, and her chaotic-ness. And I’m not going to understand that because it’s not in my nature to ever EVER talk to someone, especially someone I love, that way.

My friend betrayed my trust-> violated my boundaries, and the realization that she was willing to do that and not apologize or recognize it felt horrible. The people who put you in a position of defending your boundaries are not the same people who will readily accept and understand your need for boundaries. (She proved that with me a few different times, and sometimes I saw during encounters with others. It’s not an excuse because it’s NOT okay, but I don’t think she was aware she was doing it and how it comes across). That's what makes "setting" boundaries so difficult. I did it though. I did that for myself.

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notesbyash · 3 years ago

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hihi quinn!! i hope you are hydrated :) have you ever failed a class? i'm in finals now and i don't think i can save my grade. how do you deal with it? did you end up graduating later?

hi hi! i'm about as hydrated as i'm going to get today - i hope you are as well!

I have failed a class (technically several if I hadn't audited/dropped them after strong suggestions from professors), though it was a gen ed in one of my first few years so I took it again the following semester and didn't need to delay graduation. There are several upper level courses that I genuinely wonder how I didn't fail out of but you hit senior year and sometimes the department just wants to get you out of there so...

Failing does not feel great. I'll start with that. Though usually I felt and feel in the same boat as you where there's a sense that the end is neigh regardless of what you do, which can be helpful in mitigating the blow a bit. However, still not a fun feeling.

I do/did find that quickly coming to terms that the outcome might not be ideal was incredibly helpful with taking steps to actually *do* something next. I think that in scenarios where the pressure is that high there's only a certain amount of wallowing you can let yourself do before it starts becoming more destructive than cathartic. Because there are still some things you *can* do! They might not result in you passing, but they can result in you being able to move forward and not getting sucked into the despair spiral (ah yes, the despair spiral, my old friend).

The way I tended to conceptualize it was by assuming that I was going to fail but in a way where I stopped expecting things. What I mean by this, to use an example, would be studying as much as I could for a final and doing the best I could on the exam not because I wanted to save my grade, but because yolo why not. The result then becomes a reflection of what I was able to accomplish with the boundaries I was stuck in, and I was generally able to contentment in being able to accomplish anything than I was sad that I wasn't able to do well. Basically, turning it into something you're doing for yourself as an experiment instead of something you're doing to achieve an outcome.

Second thing I did was go to my professor and straight up tell them I felt bad about my grades in the class and that I thought I was probably going to fail. Sometimes they would tell me yes, you're going to fail. :/ But they'd usually also give me advice on what to do next, like how to prep for re-taking the class, or what other things to think about in scheduling. As someone who's spent a lot of time on the other side of the professor-student divide by virtue of hanging out with faculty too much, most professors I know kind of appreciate you going and talking to them directly. It's not a fun conversation to have, and I've had professors who've not been incredibly warm in their response, but it's helpful to get closure and move forward with your mindset.

If you're worried about having to delay your graduation, and you have the opportunity/means available to do so, see if there's a way to take the class over the summer and/or at a different institution. For GenEds this process is fairly common; I was able to get out of some pretty brutal math courses by taking them over the summer at a different university/college. If you're worried about whether/how this would count for your degree, talk with your academic advisor and let them know what you're struggling with. If you're worried about the stigma, I can share with you my personal experience of always being congratulated by my peers on making the "smart choice" of taking math courses at a different university (upperclassmen are all dead inside istg). The only people I felt turned my nose up at me for doing so were people I didn't want to associate with anyways so it worked out. However, sometimes summer school/different institutions aren't an option due to various circumstances, in which case I'd look into things like tutoring. Most campuses have free services for that, or you can just turn your TA/professor into a tutor by literally never leaving them alone during their office hours (exploit the system why not). I won't go too in depth about this here but I can expand more on other options if you'd like.

I think the main thesis of this incredibly long response however, is to forgive and accept. I always felt and still do feel a lot of guilt for not accomplishing things so though I may not know your exact situation, I am able to empathize with you. Regardless of what happens with your finals, you should be proud of what you were able to achieve overall. It may not have been what you wanted to do, or what you felt like you should have done, but it's what you *did* do with the time you were given and circumstances you were in that's most important. Focus on the wins and know there's always a path forward no matter how dark the forest may seem to be, even if it's not the one you expect to find~

Best of luck anon, you've got this and I'm proud of you!

#long post #unedited post #hope this helps anon #feel free to dm or drop another ask if you've any questions #from the po box

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insomniacowl · 4 years ago

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Neon genesis Evangelion Analysis Chapter 23: Katsuragi Misato Part 2 Dear Shinji, this is my will.

Misato: So you don't want to meet your dad?

Just like me

Let us start from the beginning. The scene in the first episode where Misato drives down to meet Shinji. Her first words to him were, "Sorry, I made you wait." This, I believe, is the first of many times their interactions will revolve around the theme of "Waiting." The line also contrasts with her final words to Shinji, "Let's continue when you get back."

Her cross is first brought to our attention through Shinji's eyes as Misato shields him from the blast of explosions from the Self-defense force's missiles used against Sakiel. Then, on their way to NERV, Shinji confides to her about his feelings towards Gendou. Misato empathizes, saying, "You're just like me," pointing to their commonalities.

She later consoles Shinji as he refuses to pilot Eva-01 and tells him to "Not run away from himself." At this point, she was already seeing herself reflected in Shinji, and those words were meant for herself as well.

After this point, Misato constantly finds herself reflected on Shinji. While it has a positive influence, like in episode 1, it also frequently caused Shinji to hurt. One criticism viewers lay on Misato is the sarcastic tone she sometimes takes when talking to Shinji about his actions. "You don't want to pilot the Eva? With that kind of determination…. What a pain!", Is one of the harsh words directed at Shinji. Even in episode 12, her cold reaction to Shinji's contemplation regarding Asuka is also, in its own way, infamous.

Yet, if we consider that she sees a lot of herself in Shinji, those lines come to represent her self-contempt rather than how she sees the fourteen-year-old. Misato was not really in the position to take care of teenagers if we consider her character flaws.

While such actions are worthy of criticism, there is room to empathize considering the traumas she had to endure, which has shaped the kind of "Adult" she became. As a young child, she was in the center of the Second Impact, and the psychological impact has led to her being mute for a few years. However, she seemed to have eventually recovered. Perhaps to compensate, we are told that she became an overly happy and talkative person. On top of this, she has studied hard and become a student at the Second-Tokyo city University. She met and began living with Kaji in the year 2005, at the age of twenty. According to Ritsuko, she even had a week-long sex marathon with Kaji, where neither of them left the house during the period.

To elaborate on her constant need for physical pleasure, we can start from the glimpse of her inner monologue we get during the instrumentality. We learn that it was one of the few things she had control over that made her feel alive when she was intimate with Kaji. Yet she breaks up with him because She saw a glimpse of her father reflected in him, although that was what got her attracted to him in the first place.

What are you embarrassed about? You wanted the man you love to see you for who you were. NO!

I wonder about that. You wanted your father to see you for who you were. That's not true!

We can identify Misato as struggling with Electra Complex (Oedipus Complex for girls) regarding how she views her father. She then attempted to quench the thirst for affection her father failed to provide her from a different man who felt similar to him. This can be observed through Kaji and Shinji. Two people sharing the same character flaws as her father (Workaholic and being bad at human interaction) being the two people she opened herself up to (Mentally, emotionally, and sexually). Misato was hoping to compensate for the loss she suffered and recover from her past trauma using her relationship with these two.

Consciously or unconsciously, she likely understood this side of herself. She felt disgusted by herself, leading to her breaking up with Kaji while punishing and labeling herself as someone "Undeserving to love." While her relationship with Kaji was open and overtly described in the series, some of you might wonder how Shinji is involved in this process. Especially regarding the sexual aspect of this analysis.

We can definitively say that Misato and Shinji do not share a simple Guardianship relation. But the discussion about Misato and Shinji can wait for now. First, let us discuss Hyuga Makoto.

Hyuga is seen approaching Misato as more than just a direct superior at work (Especially after Kaji's death). "Only if it's with you (I don't mind dying from the base self-destructing)." It is a telling line that highlights Hyuga's feelings that he begins acting on in the latter part of the series. Turning him into a more dimensional character. While Misato seems to be aware of such advances, we never see her acting on it. Neither accepting nor rejecting him outright. Since this is at the low point of her emotional journey, Misato would have been okay with anyone. Thus, it makes us wonder if there could have been more intimacy between the two off-screen. I'd argue that Hyuga died a virgin (or at least that there was no sexual relationship between the two) based on Hyuga's fantasy during the instrumentality.

To bring our discussion back to Kaji, we are shown that he was the first man she trusted and gave her first intimacy to. At the same time, she was someone Kaji was able to trust and be vulnerable with. We never see either of them refer to each other by their names. While the reason is not depicted, we can make an educated guess and say that it stems from their determination to interact professionally. Without letting their (embarrassing) past hinder their work.

But perhaps it was destined that this guise was not meant to be. In episode 15, we see the two confide in each other. Misato laments about her father and her regret of not being a good lover for Kaji. Kaji embraces and accepts her of it. The last time they ever shared a bed, Kaji gives her his final present. His death led to Misato shedding many tears, but the present helped guide her to her next step. Before this point, we see her constantly drinking her favorite beer, but never after this event. All we see her drink from then on is canned coffee, Kaji's favorite drink. And now, two peoples' worth of "Will" lived on inside her. One from her father, the other from Kaji.

Now, let's discuss the last "Male" in her life: Shinji. As mentioned earlier, Shinji was more than just a child under her care. Shinji's first introduction of Misato was through her photo that she sent him. It is a revealing photo of herself with arrows drawing attention to her breast. As a side note, the actual words in this image were written by Anno himself, and the lipstick mark was from one of the female Gainax staff.

From the photo, we can see that Misato wants Shinji to see her as more than a potential caretaker (as ethically should), but as someone of opposite gender and a "potential" love interest. Although, of course, we can brush it aside as a part of her quirky and fun-loving attitude. But the problem arises in the latter part of the series where this attitude crosses the line. The suspicion is confirmed in the official pamphlet's character introduction describing her as Shinji's family + co-worker + superior + "lover."

Misato: Shinji, I'm going in. This is about all I can do for you right now.

Shinji: No!

The scene central to this discussion happens in episode 23 when she takes her seat next to Shinji, who is grieving the death of Second Rei on his bed. Although surface-level reading is, Misato wants to hold his hands to comfort him. If that is the case, the line "This is all I can do for you right now" is unnecessary. And not only that, but Shinji's rejection of this advance is also too strong to justify the conclusion of the surface level analysis. If anything comes to mind about an act that two grown-up adults do on the bed is "Sex."

Even if we try to give the benefit of the doubt and stay at the surface-level conclusion that is psychologically comfortable, this is Evangelion. It refuses psychological comfort. The film book released by Gainax has a note about this scene that says, "Misato is attempting to give Shinji her body." This is even alluded to in the shot right before the line, the head of the chair being where Shinji's Penis would be, and Misato coming to sit right on top of it.

Throughout the series, both Misato and Asuka approach Shinji as the "Other sex." it's natural for Asuka since they are the same age. However, it is unnatural to think of Misato (Who is twice his age) approaching Shinji sexually (neither should be accepted). So let's dive into how Misato might think about that. As early as episode 2, we are shown Misato yelling at Ritsuko through the phone, saying, "There is no way I will lay my hands on a boy!". This is perhaps foreshadowing what she will be doing in the later part of the series. So what changed in her throughout the series that she would end up trying to lay her hands on Shinji sexually. Did she genuinely believe that it was the only way she can console Shinji? Or perhaps there was a more selfish reason, to distract herself from the sadness of losing Kaji? Well, it could be both. There is a middle ground and an explanation that I prefer. Kaji was the only man she allowed herself to be vulnerable with. Because the best means of communication between the two have been sexual, she most likely believed this to be the most effective way to empathize and be vulnerable with Shinji.

We can see this as another manifestation of her Electra complex if we consider that Shinji also reminds her of her father.

As many of you are aware, Evangelion borrows concepts from psychology and is strongly influenced by Freudian psychoanalysis. Psychological terms are heavily used, especially in later episodes. The characters' internal conflicts are put into the spotlight in episodes 18, 19, and 20. All these episodes use terms from psychoanalysis for their title. Let me touch on each of them briefly over here. Episode 18's title is "Ambivalence." It refers to the coexistence of two conflicting emotions (Love and hate) regarding something and was coined by Eugen Bleuler in 1911. Freud borrowed this term in his analysis. His followers believed it to be an essential state that leads to the sadistic sub-phase of development. Episode 18 is also when the dummy-controlled Eva Unit-01 destroys Bardiel. Thus the title can also help us understand the Destrudo-led sadistic destruction of the dummy program.

Episode 19's title is "Introjection" and was a term heavily used by Freud. It is the unconscious adoption of the ideas or attitudes of others and a psychological defensive mechanism used by the ego to minimize anxiety. Almost every human being goes through this phase and is a part of healthy development as an individual. Episode 19 is when Shinji emits a strong dose of Destrudo and achieves a 400% synchronization rate. Here, we can try to explain the use of this term for the episode title in two ways. The first is to refer to the synchronization process of the pilot and the Evangelion. Secondly (and more specifically to the episode), to refer to Shinji becoming an individual that has become a part of Unit-01. Becoming a part of Unit-01 who have just absorbed the S2 engine and become as though god.

Last is episode 20, titled "Oral stage," and is the stage central to Freud's theory of Libido's development. Libido is the potential sexual energy, and Freud categorized the development into four distinct stages, starting with the oral stage. During this stage of development, the child clings onto its mother's breast for nourishment. This is also when the child begins to develop the ability to distinguish between themselves and the other. The significant happening of episode 20 is salvaging Shinji from Unit-01's Core, trying to bring Shinji back as an individual and away from the comfort of his mother. This can be seen to parallel the child leaving its mother's womb and coming to be born into its own person. And to add, they had to inject Libido into the Core to salvage him.

To return from our long detour, Evangelion is a series that heavily draws its conceptual inspiration from Psychology and Freudian psychoanalysis. What Freud posits, and perhaps most central to his scholarship, understands that desires created by both Libido and Destrudo, any forms of mental energy are irresistible and irrepressible. That is to say, if during one's development if any of such mental energies' expressions are disturbed and blocked off, it will results in the development of harmful coping mechanisms as an adult. In the case of Misato, her father's absence resulted in the absence of ways to healthily release her Libido. Therefore, Misato's inappropriate advance towards Shinji could manifested the harmful coping mechanism she developed as a child.

Losing her father as a child resulted in dysregulation in Libido. Losing Kaji, the only person she truly loved, left Masato broken. At this point, she had no other way to release her desires other than laying hands on a vulnerable child. When both Shinji and Penpen refused her the physical affection she needed, she could only find comfort in listening to Kaji's final voice message in repeat. Yet, she did not lose all possibility to recover. She was able to dry out her tears and began to follow the road her father once took. This leads her to analyze the evidence Kaji passes onto her and begins questioning the truth behind Rei. By the end, she manages to reach close enough to understand the "Truth." This is how she was able to explain to Shinji what was going on. She also experiences character growth through this process, becoming able to fully understand and empathize with the pain of others.

This is also when we see her starting to differ from Asuka. While both lost Kaji, whom they both loved, Misato comes to accept this loss and can carry herself as an adult. By the end, she was mature enough to send the grieving Shinji to Unit-01 during the End of Evangelion. While Misato has always convinced Shinji to get on the Eva, now, she was different from the past. Unlike in episode 4, where she emotionally manipulated Shinji into piloting Eva. Unlike episode 12, where she drew a hard line and coldly forced him. In EOE, she was no longer forcing Shinji out of her own hatred of the angels. All there was, was a grown adult's desire to convince a child that "Life is worth living." Even if she were to die during this process. All there was, was Misato's advice as an adult to the crying child. And it was this "will to live" that was passed on from Misato to Shinji.

Misato places her necklace on Shinji's hands and wraps his hands around it. Just as how she once held onto it while facing death in its face. Her father's memento. The love towards one's family. Hope for humanity. And all else that the cross symbolized. And the cross passed on from Misato to Shinji like the passing of the torch. To pass on the will to live. This was followed by a grown-up's kiss, just like how Kaji showed her, the perfect way to, perhaps the only way to fully communicate this will and pass it on. To want the other to continue living and hoping to live on as a part of their memory.

With the kiss, Misato stopped pretending to be Shinji's inept guardian.

She sent Shinji off, hoping that he could become a grown-up who can stand by himself.

Misato: You will be alone from this point on. You need to choose for yourself.

Shinji: No. I can't.

Misato: Crying isn't going to solve anything, either!

Misato: You hate yourself, don't you? That's why you hurt others. Deep down, you know that you suffer more when you cause someone else pain than if you just let yourself get hurt. But Shinji, that was your decision, so that makes it a valid choice. That's what you wanted, so that makes it worthwhile, Stop lying to yourself, and realize that you do have options. Then accept the choices that you made.

Shinji: But you're not me. You don't understand!

Misato: So what if I'm not you?! That doesn't mean it's okay for you to give up! If you do, I'll NEVER forgive you as long as I live.

Misato: I'm not perfect either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later, I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again. A cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time, I learned something about myself.

Please, Shinji. You've got to pilot Eva and settle this once and for all. Find out why you came here. Why you exist at all.

And when you've found your answers, come back to me. Promise me. See you soon.

Kaji: Go and do what you can. No one will force that choice on you. Think for yourself and decide for yourself. GO and do what you must right now. So that you don't live to regret it.

Misato: If I had known it would end like this, I would have changed the carpet as Asuka suggested.

Many discussions about Eva centered around her last words, the one about the Carpet and Asuka. Most of the theories have interpreted it with the spilled coffee during the instrumentality scene. I'll touch on the scenes shown in instrumentality in future chapters. But for the discussion here, note that the coffee was not spilled on the carpet during the instrumentality scenes. So I'd instead interpret this line separately from it. Personally, I believe this to be Misato, as an adult, regretting not being as kind and compassionate as she could have been to Asuka.

Unlike Shinji, who she managed to pass on her will and true feelings, she did not have that privilege with Asuka. Instead, she wallowed in her sadness, not looking out for Asuka, who was herself suffering from traumas and grief. The regret of not being a good guardian and not making the home comfortable for Asuka would have hit her as waves of regret crashed in as she laid bleeding cold on the floor of section R-20.

After Shinji, who she just sent off, Asuka, who she feels sorry for, After Penpen, who was always there for her, Kaji now crosses her mind. Was she waiting for his praise for passing on his will to Shinji?

As though she can see him, she stares at the sky. Right before the explosion, we see Rei standing over her. Perhaps it was Lilith who traveled through time.

And we come to the final scene of the EoE. Shinji and Asuka are lying down on the shore, staring at the sky. At this moment, we are reminded of Misato through the cross, now nailed to a wooden post. The cross has come to symbolize Misato's hope and dreams for the two children who will now be growing up into two adults. Will Misato be able to revert back to her human form by her soul desiring it? Nobody knows. But I don't think that matters. Because now, Shinji carries on her will.

Let's continue when you get back.

I'm back. Welcome back.

Welcome Shinji, this is your new home.

I'm back.

Welcome back!

Sorry, made you wait!

TBC Chapter 24: Ritsuko Part 1 Mother and Daughter

#Neon genesis evangelion #Evangelion #Eva #End of Evangelion #Nge #Nagisa Kaworu #Lilith #Sci-fi #Ikari Shinji #Soryu Asuka Langley #Asuka #Ayanami Rei #rei #Anno Hideaki #Katsuragi Misato #Kaji Ryoji #Anime #Analysis #Review

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