#i'm failing my classes too
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I miss my rattie babies. haven't been able to go over there and see them. watching on repeat some shitty videos I made of them last time I was there. hesitant to post them because they suck, all awkwardly following and unsteady camera and terrible lighting.
Mom and I have been sharing the one car since mine flooded and was declared a total loss, which means coming straight home after work and not being able to visit my gf, so not being able to visit the rats. had to order them food on Amazon to send to gf, couldn't get and bring it myself. and it's not like she has transportation.
I love Sephy but she's definitely my mom's cat, not mine. of all the pets I've had, I don't think any have ever felt truly mine the way the ratties do. wish something would just work so we can afford to fix the house so I can have a real room to bring them home to.
it's all just so frustrating. everyone's working their asses off, trying their hardest and... still, it's never enough. everything costs too much. and none of it is anything that can be dropped or excluded or cut. we have to eat, we have to get gas for the car, we have to pay for the stupid storage units and the electric bill and the mortgage and and and
and it never ends.
there has got to be some solution somehow I'm just not seeing it. idk what else to do tho.
#ranting#rambling#missing my babies#frustrated#and so so tired#i'm failing my classes too#and idk what to do about it#i can't stop because we need the financial aid money#like even if i got a full time job which doubled my income it wouldn't be as much#or it would be close but not quite#so six one way half a dozen another#but it's gunna fuck up my gpa if i can't bring these grades up#but how tf am i supposed to concentrate with no desk no electricity yet a fucking gain#so fucking stressed
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I
know that voting for the status quo sucks.
To say it "sucks" massively understates the exact amount of suffering that exists under the status quo, an amount that I acknowledge I am too privileged to ever fully grasp.
I cannot magically provide some viable third-party candidate just barely a month before the election. I cannot solve Israel/Palestine Conflict that has haunted the world for over 70 years. I am a 29-year old transgender woman working her way through her own mental illnesses, trauma, and an undergraduate degree. I was never going to be the one to solve anything here.
All I can tell you is that regardless of whether you vote or not, there will be a presidential election. It's going to be a shitshow, regardless. Whether you vote or not, there will be a different president in January. Voting for the status quo may not be directly in your interests.
We had four years of Trump and we are still trying to unfuck ourselves from that. The beginning of my antagonistic relationship with the government was protesting in the streets of DC under his administration. I've fled from the Metro PD. I've put on a change of clothes and slipped out the back door of a gay sports bar.
Fucking vote.
Fucking vote.
Fucking vote.
Honestly, I
I don't want to see this voter apathy shit anymore.
People are going to keep dying under any president. Any president can, and probably wil, be morally culpable for the deaths of innocent people, both in the country and abroad. Carter might be the last president we had that wasn't overtly a war criminal and we still had foreign civilians killed by U.S. military involvement under the Carter admin.
I'm torn between asking you to block me, or asking you to message me, if you're taking the route of voter apathy. I'll tell you right away, here and now, that I probably don't have a solution to whatever problem is keeping you from voting for Harris. I can't even solve my own problems right, tbh. The government isn't really here for me, either.
But there isn't going to be some sort of miraculous revolution that results in The Ending Where Everyone Lives. If there's a revolution, then supply chains will falter and children and the infirm will die of preventable diseases and infections and complications in hospitals that would have otherwise been able to easily deal with such things. That's what happens in a revolution. I'm after the long-term idea where Humanity as a species lives. I'm after the route where we don't have an ending, we keep going.
Fucking vote, because exactly one of the two leading presidential candidates believes climate change is real, and it is the single greatest threat to all life on earth. We have spent the past 250 years, not just playing God with the environment, but actively creating an ecological niche in which future generations of humanity must continue to play God with the environment, dragging it back to a healthy place drop by drop, inch by inch, a degree at a time.
Or, I mean, don't vote. Either way, we'll all die at some point. Perhaps some of us will be lucky enough to die standing by our principles.
Those lucky few will become soil one day, just like I will.
I am begging you on my hands and knees to fucking vote, though, because our options are The Status Quo vs. Worse. That's
That's it.
There is no door number three right now. Our system, our flawed and broken and imbalanced and unjust system, does not accommodate for a third door. Whether you vote or not, you will be dragged through either Door 1 or Door 2 with all of humanity, as we whirl through the cosmos upon our tiny little speck of dust. The only other legitimate option is to allow oneself to become trampled; to become soil early. I don't say legitimate to give this option legitimacy, but to make clear that again, there is no door three. Door three is a casket. A one-way bed.
I didn't vote in 2016, and I'm hoping that you'll vote for the status quo this time, because that's the route that gives me the best odds of having a long and healthy life to regret my failure through inaction.
Just please
Fucking vote.
Or again, if you're taking the apathy route, probably just save me the time of blocking you, because you're not going to magically pull a viable third-party candidate out of your pocket less than six weeks before the election.
#us politics#2024 elections#can you tell i just blocked someone over this?#maybe i should've spoken to them first#maybe i'm hormonal and barely able to deal with the swords hanging over my head or the coals beneath my feet#i've explored my options for fleeing the country if trump wins; and i'm not sure if i'd follow through#maybe i'd stay here and die for my principles#but at least i'll vote to TRY and avoid that#they burned magnus hirschfeld's books before any other jewish literature#it's already too late to save the late; all we can do is salvage the present#i have to wake up and study the effects of anthropogenic climate change in less than six hours#my morning will be spent looking for; and documenting; dead birds#i love birds#they're my favorite animal#after that; i have a class on grant writing; in which i am working on a project on non-profit local agriculture#then metaphysics; because philosophy is like the only treat i have left in my education#and finally; climate storytelling; in which i and 18 other undergrads are trying to figure out how to get people to care about the planet#and i gotta tell y'all; that last one is a bleak fucking time#fucking vote#forty fucking minutes of being pissed about this#i still have to write an essay on modal realism#and research this country's failings on water resource management for my class on the same on monday#long posts#probably incoherent posts#rambling notes#political rambling
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wow ive been kind of off lately I should take a day to rest an[explosion]
#[.art]#self#complaining tag#I'm good. I needed to draw about it but I'm good. it's fine. whatever#love it when I barely ask you for money to Live outside of gifts and 30 a month. and then you withold the gift SOMEONE ELSE GAVE ME#that's fine it's totally not as if I told you I need that money before. and you decided I was a bit too mean#about you compiling a document I Need To in order to keep the room and board in the place I am living in. by the way#she proceeded to change topic completely to the weather and forget about anything ive told her on the clothes I have here#or about the courses I follow. she takes notes for my sister's classes but cannot be bothered to remember i dont have exams in april#that's fineeee it's fine. it's fine. I know my sistser needs the help and I don't. I would rather die than ask for her help anyways#you can at least pretend to forget about both of us equally instead of telling me I should graduate in two years because im smart enough#which I am not. by the way. At least when I will fail at something I'll have the opportunity to tell her I told you so thank god#dont get me wrong i know her giving me compliments is a good thing I just sort of wish the were things actually about me#and not about the idea she has about me being some kind of prodigy that's simply too lazy to actually be exceptional. anyways
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im so sad that there are so many great fanfics out there and I'll never be able to read them all
#hannah's rambles#Because I'm too busy WRITING and THINKING ABOUT WRITING as I fail to sleep and WORKING ON MY LAST CLASSES. EVER. Probably.
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cause everything means nothing if i can't have you
the first coffeeshop au art i've made... technically not The first but the first i've finished and actually posted so. yippee!!
#my art#twisted wonderland#riddle rosehearts#ace trappola#ridoace#angst#tw semi-realistic bruise#aka my best attempts at drawing one with a tutorial#also this may just be a me thing bc i drew it but. the difference bt the little hearts in ace's eyes and the no light in riddle's GETS ME#actually can u even tell that those are hearts. idk#and yes that is a makeshift poster for ace's family magic shows in the back. yes it says the great ace trappola#but in his defense he made that when he was seven#offtopic but i keep finding too many good refs on pinterest. PLEASE I HAVE PROJECTS DUE AND I THINK I'M GNA FAIL A CLASS
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I know I'm not what I produce. But my inability to write lab reports in time has really bitten my lab partners twice this semester, saddling them with unnecessary amounts of work and stress. I don't know what to do.
#i didn't think i was this bad at writing#maybe it's partially the tiredness#am i gonna fail this lab class that most people get As in?#i might deserve to at this point#i tanked my midterm presentation too#even with a gracious extension from the professors#my journal club presentation was the only assignment i actually did decent on#and even then#this is why I'll never ever be a professor#and probably never a real researcher either#I'm good at analysis but i can't write for SHIT unless given tremendous amounts of time. and i don't even write badly#i just either write fairly well or i write nothing#and lately “nothing” seems to be winning more and more#vent#vent post
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Now that we have those lil veilguard backstory things based on the faction you pick from the character creator and we've seen more of the gameplay... do y'all have any plans for your first rook already? what class/faction/race are y'all thinking? do you already have thoughts about their personality or backstory?
For my first playthrough I'm leaning towards an elven rogue antivan crow right now I think but it's really hard to pick
#i wanted to make a rogue for veilguard cause it's the only class i haven't done yet for my protagonists#and rogue looks really fun from a gameplay perspective too so i think that's what i'm doing#but mage is also calling for me yet again lmao#also i think the antivan crow backstory is like a little bit of a funny half-fail#which lines up with destroying solas ritual and accidentally unleashing ALL THAT lol#i just wanna play a girl failure who is a bit hot-headed but has good intentions#someone who would remind varric of hawke when they met (who i left in the fade) ;_;#i spend 99% of my waking time thinking about veilguard pls talk veilguard with me tell me about your thouuuughts#da:tv
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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad
#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries#it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc#ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop#like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions#cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt#you know how it goes#vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own#students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country#until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem#this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL#our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny#vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa#i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med#expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc#anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history#i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc#theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly#being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her#lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao#years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth#cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess#but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt
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Ok I get that you hate voting and fine fair. But would you stand by and do nothing in the trolley problem? How would that help anything. I just see you attach this element of approval to the act of voting, that just... isn't really there.
I'm not voting for someone supporting genocide hope that helps
#this isn't a fucking philosophy class#if we vote for biden after he gave the absolute green light to commit a genocide#do you think that they will change their minds next year?#or will they continue to support genocide because they realize that genocide isn't the last straw for voters#and nothing will ever change#and don't misconstrue my fucking hatred for biden as hating voting#I voted 'blue no matter what' last year#and this is where it got me#forgive me for being entirely fucking disenchanted and done with this entire system (sarcasm)#voting isn't doing shit#I'm going to protests to rip apart this entire system at this point#presidential elections don't mean shit vote for your representatives#they're the ones who have the most control over your fate in your state/cities#but don't tell me I have some kind of moral failing for not voting for biden just because trump will be running too#my message to the democratic party is clear: change your candidate or I'm not voting
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Kinda fucked up how all the people I know are like "Yeah I know what I want in my life. I want to work in X field and I want/don't want a long-term partner who I'm going to marry, I want kids and-"
and I'm there just like 🧍
#like wow ok#i have no idea what i want man I'm just doing what's required of me#or more like i think i know some of the things i want but I'm actively beating them up every day and instead choosing#what i consider to be my duty#like yeah I really want to work in design and you know the dream is character design and concept art but that's unrealistic#and any design would do. but that's selfish so like lol no. psychology it is. social work if i fail at that. it's an acceptable#compromise. it's not what I want but it is what i am ok with subjecting myself to.#whenever it looks like I might fail a class at university i get really anxious but also really excited#because on one hand I'm failing to take care of my duties and responsibilities. on the other if they kicked me out nobody could#say i didn't try. i could just say that I'm too stupid. i could say that i don't have what it takes. id be a failure but not out of my#volition. they could tell me that im stupid or inferior but they couldn't label me selfish.#and then id just fuck off to work as a florist or maybe id just work in a smokes shop or anything low stakes like that#while I'd be looking for a job in design. hell i don't even need a job in that field; id love to just work a simple job where after clocking#out i could just go home and partake in my hobbies. like i wouldn't even need to have it as my field of work id be perfectly#content with posting character designs online and sometimes getting a small buck by selling pins and dolls and etc#that's definitely what i want in life. but that's fucked up and selfish and would make me a failure and then i would never#be able to even dream of earning humanity. so. doing my duty it is
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people trying to insist that oras is as bad as bdsp that is CRAZY
#oras was literally a cultural phenomenon back in 2014. the hype for it was absolutely unprecedented.#and deserved as well they are impeccably good games.#like yes no battle frontier it's heartbreaking whatever but like every other aspect they built on made up for its absence imo#the delta episode and being able to fight deoxys in SPACE cements it in my top 3 mainline games without fail.#but i'm also biased. i am a hoenn child at heart. i can't begin to articulate the impact its release had on me at the time.#i genuinely remember tearing up in my fucking home ec class in junior high when i perused tumblr and saw that it had been announced.#like GOD!!! they're just so good.#like my only genuine complaint is that it suffers from the gen 6 curse of being a little too easy at time but#besides that they are masterpieces to me!! idc!!#and even if you prefer frlg or hgss as remakes there is no CONCEIVABLE way that it should be compared to bdsp.#they are not even on the same plane together. bdsp is an unapologetic dumpster fire. oras actually had effort and care put into it.#anyways it's trending rn on twitter and mx pokemonRUBY felt inclined to give their opinion. :)#also oras gave us impeccable redesigns. like wallace's salacious drip? ARCHIE? i rest my case. and the resurgence of originshipping#riley rambles#it had megas!! expanded lore!! ZINNIA!!! wally's battle theme. the return of the abstract regi puzzles. free latios/latias. come on people
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i made a chinese hiphop playlist btw, with the music i found after searching for a bit. spotify link if anyone's interested.
i like the sounds of all the songs, esp the beats :D
most songs are in dialects and not standard mandarin so they won't help me study but whatever
a chinese speaker i know told me that chinese hiphop is often in dialects bc hiphop is rebellious and the government wants dialects to go away and this is SO cool. i wish there was a khh rapper who rapped in busan dialect :D :D where i'm from nobody even sings in our dialect bc it's so hated by everyone who thinks they're educated (incl ppl whose 1st language it is)
another chinese speaking friend said they couldn't understand a word in any of the songs and the tones are missing when you rap so it doesn't make much sense
i asked chatgpt to give me standard mandarin rap songs to study but it couldn't
i asked chatgpt to give me any chinese hiphop/trap songs and the same ones kept coming out, most not available where i am. (i also asked for khh playlists with specific details as a test and it failed miserably :()
#chinese hiphop#chh#playlist#anyway my class starts next week yayayay#maybe i won't need music bc i have my friends heh#we'll see#or i'm gonna fail either way bc it's too hard lol#that was where my relationship with chatgpt started and ended why does it know so little about intl music :D#maybe i'll find more music in the future and look back cringing like at my start with khh :D
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daily whistlepaw until ah becomes PoV day 1167
I think I finally understand how people feel when around a crush, can't say I enjoy it
#warrior cats#whistlepaw#windclan#medicine cat apprentice#this isn't my first crush lol but this one has had me feel the strongest of feelings (and might be my first genuine crush lol)#the fact I have been building up A Lot of stress for the entire week probably didn't help.#and the fact my stomach hurt is also probably at least partially to explain by the fact I barely ate last night#but MAN seeing my (latest) crush in such a pretty dress and then go on stage and play (a goddess!!!!!!! she's a goddess)#(I already bought tickets to go see the full thing; I will die but I will die happy (I hope))#but yeah I struggled for a good 2 hours to fall asleep and also had stomach weirdness happening the next morning#man it was not fun#(and then she came to sit next to me during class and I had to play it cool (I was too deranged on sleep deprivation to really care about#being my typical brand of weird but I do sometimes feel like an idiot around her and feel guilty because then I fear that she finds me#annoying and will hate me and I will fail this again (losing a friendship over a crush once was not that fun lol) and Traumas don't help#either at all so uh I'm just trying to spend time with her I just always feel a bit worried that I'm annoying her and it's consuming my bra#I do also still feel a little guilty about having this crush; internalized homophobia/issues around sexuality are hard to shake off#and while it's very normal and stuff I never dare to go the entire way when my brain conjures fantasies that are a little too risqué#I just feel guilty man I know I shouldn't but still it fucking sucks in my brain#and god talking about this in therapy would be a mess#I might have to eventually but I don't wanna#anyways; wild vent in the tags aside; yay a whis!
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More moments of Makoto weakness... Obviously he doesn't let himself go crazy, but the fact he even thinks this... He's not doing well at all. The reason why Makoto is strong is not because he's immune to feeling despair but because, at the end of the day, he's able to keep going and not give up anyway
#ooc ramblings.#alex rereads danganronpa //#god. damn. how shaky Makoto's mind is after an execution is always jarring to me because of how strong-willed he can be#i think dr3 is VERY bad but it has some tasty moments that I like. nowadays I'm a big fan of Makoto being susceptible to the despair#vid (even if I think the plot point that the remnants were brainwashed into despair was just really bad and took away#a lot of interesting things about their characters and turn to Junko's side that were implied in DR2)#because he's not immune to despair! Makoto's a regular guy who was just too stubborn to ever give up. who wanted to LIVE. who wanted#his friends to live. and he dragged his friends out of the pit that they had gotten stuck in and reignited their wills to keep moving#forward. and he carries all this hurt and despair with him too#the helplessness he felt in the game and the anger he felt towards monokuma and the despair he experienced is forever etched onto his soul#and the video exploited the incredible amount of guilt he feels for having (to him) failed to save the others in class 78. for having lived#where the others died#yet he keeps going and he will always reach his hand out towards others. his kindness was forged and tempered in FLAMES#god i fucking love makoto naegi. my goat
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i got a fucking 98 on my database homework 👁️👁️
#y'all do not understand#basically this class is the hardest in my major over half the students fail or drop out#there's like 4 hw assignments a midterm (25%) and a final (25%) (and some quizzes 10%) and each hw is worth 10%#only we do practice and the hw is like exams and we aren't allowed to talk to other students about the course material#it's extremely hard & specific & frankly the guy is way too harsh a critic to be a prof#that being said i messed up the labeling on one collumn but otherwise got a 98 which is crazy good#honestly in disbelief i cried so hard about that hw#anyways i'm going to bed i'm gonna be so screwed at work tomorrow it's fine#rose.txt
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it's so hard being a person who needs to be the best at everything when you are slightly below average at best at any given department
#i don't think ppl who tell me i'm good at x thing (that includes things like looks or voice etc btw) are lying or anything#but i do think they're biased and their love skews their perception of me. bc i mean. no one else can see it after all#and i hate that as a kid i was propped up as better than others bc it really did give me this complex while growing up lol#joining a gifted class and finding out i'm not actually particulary smart compared to them#failing auditions as an adult or messing up things i did get into#like this is why i don't like it when ppl say i have an impostor syndrome like noooo i literally do suck 😭#i'm not saying this in an 'i'm blind to my own abilities' way i'm just saying that compared to most people i am below average 😭#being better at a thing than the average person who. doesn't do the thing. doesn't mean much when i'm among the worst in those who do#and it's really discouraging from getting better at things too. bc i feel so inherently shitty at everything that it feels pointless#(esp given that i DID put years of effort into certain things yet i still suck or i lost my ability to do them with time)#so it's easier to not try. if i'm gonna be the worst anyway yknow? may as well save the effort and the heartache of trying and failing#(getting better is all about failing over and over yada yada ik all that shit i'm just not built to handle it. mentally)#vent#accidentally. bc i started rambling. bc i'm in some jealousy fueled rage rn sorry
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