#i'm experiencing too much life rn and i need the escapism

[snarkelf]

I haven't had a real hyperfixation in a while and I'm craving one so bad I need the enrichment

[harrypotterandthefandomaccount]

everybody plays the fool

pairing: remus lupin x fem!reader

request: not requested, just based on personal experience & struggles rn lol

warnings: fluff, angst, loving someone else who is in a relationship, hurt, unrequited love? kinda?

note: recently experienced this with someone very important to me so super slay! some of these quotes are exactly what he said, which is kinda funny to use them in a fic. anyway, enjoy your early christmas present since i havent posted in 9 months!!!

remus lupin was not a bad person by any means, no, but at the present moment, you wish he was so you had some kind of 'backup' for your hurt.

you and remus had been close for a number of years, your relationship flourishing once you joined the order. he was very protective and observant of you, ready to jump into action if you needed his help - but he was not overwhelming. he respected you, that much was clear, and if you needed him to care for you, he'd be there in a heartbeat.

his standing with romantic relationships was something that you were not always 100% clear on, and you never pushed him to clarify or share that part of his life with you. but members of the order had told you of past partners, and to your knowledge, he was single - and life was good. you felt comfortable being a bit more flirty with him and hanging around him more often than usual. remus never seemed to mind and was glad to have you around, and your heart fluttered like a golden snitch.

well, up until you found out he had a girlfriend.

when word had spread, you backed off immediately. flirting with him, making suggestive comments, and of the sorts was no longer your place, and while it stung, you respected it. ruining a relationship was not on your bucket list. but really, you shouldn't have worried too much about yourself.

remus had been showing you around grimmauld place, as sirius typically had old photos of their younger selves, and when you had discovered a bunch of old polaroids of the marauders, remus was quick to delve into his past at hogwarts. you ran your thumb over the photos, fondly looking at the group of boys.

you glanced up at remus, "i have to say, rem, this photo looks nothing like you," a soft laugh escaping your lips.

remus chuckled, "that was when i was young, y/n, full of hopes and dreams, handsome. you missed my prime."

you laughed along with him, but you sensed part of words held a bit of truth behind them, "i feel robbed of not being around during your prime, with the way you describe it."

remus shrugged, a sigh escaping him, "yes, well, that was when i used to be somewhat attractive and before all of this madness."

the words slipped before you could stop, "in a non-weird, platonic way, you're still attractive so don't let time control your happiness and contentment with your life, remus."

he blushed from your words, smiling lightly, "in a non-weird, platonic way, i kind of like that you said that."

you looked at one another, your lips mindlessly swiping over your lips. remus cleared his throat, "I'm sorry, i shouldn't have said that-"

you shook your head, "no, i overstepped - i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable..."

it was now remus's turn to shake his head, a soft smile on his face, "we both apologized, so i think we're even, darling. I'll see you at dinner."

after that first encounter, you decided to put some distance between you and lupin; you had figured it was the best option in avoiding any kind of awkward tension. and, for the most part, it worked. there were a few instances where you had to interact, but it was for the order and while things weren't necessarily awkward, it settled your mind.

soon enough, christmas had rolled around and yourself, along with the rest of the order and the kids, had decided to spend the holidays at grimmauld place. the house was bustling with such positive, happy energy and it was exactly what you needed.

remus and yourself were currently outside on the steps, sitting down as you people-watched. it was quite calming, had you not been a bit anxious considering it was your first time being alone with him in a while.

"so," remus started, "how have you been? i feel like we have not seen each other in a while."

you turned to him, smiling lightly, "good! currently doing a lot of raids for the ministry and sometimes that includes sleeping outside and just waiting. not ideal, but it's...life."

remus raised his eyebrows, "that's hell! you deserve better than that - do you have anywhere to sleep, like a tent?"

you shrugged, "sometimes we can conjure one, other times we decide to wait it out."

playing with his fingers, remus blew out a breath, "i'd say i would join you, but considering we spend enough time together here as it is, I'm not sure that it would be as fun."

you shook your head, "you said it yourself, we haven't seen each other in a while - it would be a blast having you there, if it weren't for the ministry." remus smiled at your reply.

soon enough, remus and you fell into a routine whenever you both were at grimmauld place: talking a stroll outside, sharing stories about your childhoods and memories that held importance, before heading back inside for the night.

you were incredibly thankful for grimmauld place. it had become a home, somewhere to rely on if you just needed some bustling of life, socialization, or love. tonight, an important quidditch playoff was on, and soon enough, the adults were becoming tipsy due to muggle alcohol.

you wouldn't have taken any action if remus's girlfriend was around, but she wasn't, so you took this opportunity to help the lycanthrope upstairs and into bed.

"remus lupin, you party animal," you chuckled, helping him discard of his shoes and vest. his face was a bit flushed as he laughed, "y/n, i-i don't want to-to be, but if i must."

with a snort, you shook off remus's vest, "even when drunk, you're still able to form coherent, intelligent sentences. here," you paused, placing some muggle ibuprofen and water on his bedside table, "take care of yourself for tomorrow morning."

remus gave a slightly-drunken smile, "thanks for taking care of me."

you folded up his vest, placing it on a chair in his bedroom, "of course, anything for the best guy around."

he groaned, "you don't have-have to say that, it's not true."

in your head, you sighed, 'oh merlin, please do not a self-pity drunk, remus.'

you sat down next to him on the bed, "rem, I'm not sure where that thought came from, but you are an amazing guy - you're the best. none of this negative self-talk, okay?"

remus laid back, eyes glossing over, "i'm sorry if i don't live up to that all the time, if i changed your perception of me."

you leaned over, grasping his hand, "remus, life isn't about keeping score or living up to expectations. it's about loving the way that you are living and as long as you are happy, that is the most important thing. be kinder to yourself, rem."

remus sighed, holding onto your hand a bit tighter, "ah, I'm just rambling...but y/n, i appreciate you, genuinely. i love you."

pang.

you gave a saddened smile, but hid it well enough that he didn't ask questions, "i love you too, remus."

remus then began giggling to himself, hiding his face between his hands. you laughed as well, unsure as to why, but he had brightened your gloomy feelings immediately. with a squeeze of his hand, you questioned remus, "what's got you so giggly, lupin?"

he laughed softly once more, "just-just thinking about the time i slept at the top of the astronomy tower."

your eyebrows raised high with surprise, "excuse me? when was this, and can we do it at some point?"

remus nodded his head excitedly, "of course, darling. it-it was a few years ago, yes, but quite fun! but, i should warn you - it gets veryyyy chilly up there." his eyes went wide, as though remembering the cold, and shivered. you tightened the blanket around him.

with a smile, you continued, "no worries, we'll bring our fair share of pillows and blankets, don't worry, rem."

remus looked over at you, his drunkenness slowly leaving his body, "can we share, y/n?"

as if you'd say no.

"of course, remus, whatever you'd like."

"hmm, no pillow wall."

you raised an eyebrow, "pillow wall? for what, rem?"

he hummed, "to separate us, but we don't need one...i like it when you call me that, rem."

your face flushed red, but hope he didn't notice as he continued, "i tend to get hot in the middle of the night."

'don't agitate the conversation, don't encourage it.'

"well, rem, unfortunately i'm the exact opposite and i get cold in the middle of the night."

remus softly chuckled, playing with your fingers, "oh, so you may need help to warm up? you know, you could always get warmer...there are certainly some ways."

shit.

you sighed, a sad smile on your face as you brushed remus's hair back, "get some sleep before you say something you might regret. goodnight, rem." and with that, you left the room in a hurry.

you cried that night, upset and angry at yourself for playing into his drunken flirting and suggestive tones. he clearly didn't know what he was saying, but you did, and took advantage of that. ugh, you hated how that made you feel. he had a girlfriend who he loved (you assume), and what you said and suggested...oh god, how were you two going to be friends?

remus awoke the next morning, aware of what he had said. if he was being honest, he knew what he said to you as he wasn't really that drunk. and he knew once you were aware of that fact, you'd be even more upset at him. getting out of bed, remus was met with the smell of tea, which wafted through the house until he saw you outside on the steps, knee bouncing nervously.

the lycanthrope met you outside and without looking behind you, you knew who it was. remus sat down beside you, tonks on his mind as he tried to formulate what he was going to say. nymphadora was his priority, his girlfriend, his love. but why did he do this to her, to you?

"how're you feeling this morning? any hangover symptoms?" you questioned, just trying to move past the awkwardness.

remus shrugged, "i feel fine, believe it or not. how are you?"

you bit your lip, "okay. didn't get much sleep, wasn't able to shut my brain off." or your tears.

remus glanced at you; you looked exhausted and with the fresh-looking bags under your eyes, he knew you cried. and with that knowledge, his heart panged.

you took in a shaky breath before whispering, "are we okay after last night? i-i couldn't sleep because of it."

remus sighed, nodding his head, "i couldn't either, darling."

you cringed, and he noticed.

remus continued, "it's not on you, y/n, it's on me, and i'm sorry. it was a shitty thing of me to do."

you looked down, your fingernails becoming the most interesting thing in the world, "I'm sorry, too. i shouldn't have continued the conversation. it's not all on you, rem."

remus looked towards you but your head remained down, "y/n...i-i think we both went with it but it got real at some point but i did that." he paused before continuing, "let me take responsibility."

you furrowed your eyebrows, meeting his eyes once you looked up, "remus, you were drunk, i fed into your drunken conversation-"

he interrupted you, "if we're being honest, i wasn't that drunk. let me be better, y/n, please."

your heart ached as it shattered into pieces, trying to mend itself back together. he wasn't that drunk when he said those things to you last night? you became increasingly confused, upset, angry, heartbroken. this man had worked his way into your heart, becoming not only a true friend, but someone you loved. and when a flirty conversation began taking a turn, he knew exactly what he was doing, saying.

but you couldn't have him, and the way this conversation is headed, you would never.

"i just want us to be okay," you whispered the half-truth, wishing you could say what you truly wanted from him. that you wanted him.

remus grasped your hand before letting go as he felt you tense, "you are not in the wrong at all, y/n. we are more than okay."

with a nod, you bit your lip once more, "just-just let me know if i overstep, okay?"

the lycanthrope looked over your face before turning towards the street, "i wanted you to overstep last night, y/n, so take that worry and throw it away. i truly wasn't that drunk, and what i said - what i did - was unfair and selfish, and i won't do it again."

you wanted to sob. he wanted you to overstep, to break his resolve concerning you and his current relationship. remus lupin may not have been entirely sober but he was aware of what he wanted, and he doesn't deny it. this was his way of moving on, of validating your feelings and hoping it wouldn't affect anything. he'd get past it, he had to. he loved nymphadora.

but you loved him. remus lupin gave you thousands of butterflies in your stomach to the point where it made you nauseous. you showed up to grimmauld place more often than you liked just for the off-chance of seeing remus. your autonomic body functions shut down and your palms became increasingly sweaty at the thought of him. you were enamored with remus lupin, but he was enamored with someone else who he didn't see as often as you.

you were the fool in the game of love. you were there as a convenience.

you wanted to tell him that you loved him, that thinking of him made you nauseous - but in a romantic way. you want to know what it is like to kiss him, to wake up next to him, to say "i love you" in a romantic sense.

before you realized it, tears began running down your cheeks. remus turned you towards him, wiping your tears. you felt as though you were going to be sick.

"i'm sorry i made you cry," he whispered, remorse and guilt heavy in his tone. he knew what you were feeling.

you shook your head, making remus move his hands as you wipied your tears, "ugh, no, emotions are just dumb."

remus sighed with a nod, "that they are, and they get us into trouble."

your mind was racing.

he continued, "but having and expressing them is the most important thing any of us can do. whether we are overstepping or not." more tears began to flow as remus finished, "that's why everyone loves you so much; emotions are your superpower. i love working alongside you, and knowing you, y/n. truly."

with a tear-ridden face, you turned to remus and gave him a sad smile, "thank you, remus." with a pause, wondering if you should say anything else, you continued, "I'll see you inside."

before he could say anything else, you went inside and up to your bedroom, the covers becoming your comfort and safe place for your tears.

you were utterly in love with remus lupin, but he was utterly in love with nymphadora tonks. and while you guessed that remus knew your feelings towards him, he had an obligation to her, history with her, and you'd never compare. you wanted to overstep, but doing so would be wrong. you knew that time would pass, that you'd get over remus lupin eventually, but at the moment, he owned your heart while he loved someone else.

you assumed, that everybody plays the fool at some point in the game of love.

[jeffbytes]

decided i'm not gunna share my full story regarding my self ship hiatus, more just a brief overview here, untagged. i did some thinking on this, and the full explanation with backstory bears the risk of painting the hobby in a bad light and a "warning others to avoid doing it" more than anything else, which wouldnt have been my intention at all, it's definitely personalised risk

my circumstances health wise and why self shipping had a severe negative effect on me are exceptional circumstances and not something that an overall PSA brush could paint the whole community with in a non bias way. i dont want to scare anyone! youre probably fine and dont need to step back from it if your relationship with selfshipping isnt as detrimental as mine was. people can be uncomfortable with doubles without experiencing delusion as well, they're not hand in hand and my experience while likely shared by at least one other person, cant be seen as a be all end all risk warning for everyone that does it

the TLDR (not really lol), it got too real for me and was affecting my ability to live a normal life dodging doubles and losing months of my life to states of disassociative delusion. i'm awaiting to be seen by a high intensity team who deal with this sort of thing (they were supposed to see me in November, still waiting, god save the NHS) until then i'm not engaging too heavily in selfshipping in order to retain my sense of self and stay grounded to reality - as morbid and unpleasant it is to be grounded to said reality rn anyway. focusing on my new job and videogames and drawing other stuff. not stopped completely just keeping it at arms length, to keep in touch with myself and my current state

it's a lovely creative outlet if it doesn't border into the line being blurred too much, something that probably only becomes a risk if you've got similar health conditions and i dont want to make anyone second guess themselves if theyre having a good healthy time with it ;; i wasnt having a healthy time with it, scrolling social media was like a minefield of risk, i was constantly upset and uncomfortable due to circumstances i had no control over, i lost months of my life to disassociation. it is what it is

i'll return to it properly someday, when i know it's just gunna be a fun artistic hobby for me when i've resolved all my Issues™ and i'm not doing it for escapism or comfort or filling a hole anymore, just a side hobby to an otherwise regular headspace

[jaegersmoon]

aim,

when it feels like the current world is collapsing on you, what do you do to escape?

OB is genuinely such a safe space for me. im 18yo rn and i'm going through the shit y/n went through almost word for word. i'm stuck in my shitty home town. my dad's an ass, but one good thing is i was able to break up w my porco. i thought it'd make me feel much happier and in a way it does, but the trauma he left behind will still fucking linger till the end of time and that's what hurts sm.

i feel like i'm stuck in a pithole. i really really need someone to tell me it gets better bc i feel so alone rn. whatever asshole told u that ur writing is not good is clearly wrong because ur fic was literally my safe space. safer than the 'friends' ive known for years. safer than my ex. safer than even my own dad. i love u <33

Trigger warning: Abusive relationships.

First, I want to say that I am so proud of you for feeling like you could come to my tumblr and talk about this.

I'm choked up writing this because of how sorry I am that you have endured what you have. Know that I admire you for pushing through every single day, even when you don't want to. Even when it's easier to give up than stand up. It pains me to know that I can't snap my fingers and make it all better for you. If I could, I would because I know how hard and painful it is to experience what you are right now. I see you, and I hear you, and I am listening.

I understand your trauma, and I want you to know that what you are feeling at this stage of your life is common. Your relationship wasn’t normal. You experienced things that no one ever should. It's unfair because you are stuck dealing with something within you that was placed there by the hands of others while all you ever tried to do was love. The things you went though altered your brain chemistry in a way that not everyone can understand unless they have been through something similar. It changes the way you see things, the way you see yourself, and how you live.

"No one talk about how hard it is to recover from abuse love after the abuser is gone."

He took pieces of you with him. That is what people like Porco do. It is how they live, how they breathe, and how they strive. It's sick, and it's twisted, and devastating. They make you feel like you are the darkness that will damage all things you touch, when in reality it’s them. They are like leeches who only live when they are stripping you of who you used to be and making you feel like you will never be worth more than what they make you feel like you are. They are miserable people who want nothing more than to make sure you are miserable too.

You got away. You broke free from him. That's what matters. Not the time lost or the things you wish you could go back and change. I am so proud of you because you made the impossible possible for yourself. You saw you were worth more than what you were faced with and you did something about it. That is huge progress in itself. It takes so much to be able to do that and you did. Now you have the power to take your life back and build yourself better.

Healing, in general, is an agonizing process but especially when you are trying to recover from abuse of any kind, whether it be physical, emotional, or mental. It is not linear. There is not right or wrong way. Some days it feels like you are on the hilltops with all the progress you’ve made, while others, it feels like you are stuck in the same exact place you were when you left him. It's like grief in that way.

It is normal when you are coming out of something like this to feel like you are stuck in a pit. It's the way it is when the abuser leaves. I blocked things out that I didn't remember happened to me until a couple of months ago. There are things I can't talk about to others, not to my best friends, not to my family. Because it is scary admitting things out loud, you can barely even admit it to yourself. I am saying this because even if you are still dealing with trauma, if there are still trauma responses, your body reverts to or triggers that you have does not mean that you are not making progress because you are. Every day you choose to get up and get out of bed is progress.

I want you to know it does get better. It might not seem like it, but it does. And you might now know how but it will. I was with my Porco for six years. I was stuck in my hometown because of him for years while my friends left me behind and lived their life the way I wish I would have. I was isolated from them because of him. I needed people, and I had nobody. it was the most frustrating thing in the world as I tried to navigate through the darkness knowing nobody would be on the other side waiting for me.

I couldn't break free from my Porco until I was 22 years old. And that was when I finally left my hometown too. I started writing okay, bambi only three months after my break up because I was like you. I felt stuck and scared and lonely, and if I didn't do something, I was going to go so far down into the darkness that lived within me created by him that I wouldn't be able to find myself again.

Now, I am 24, and I am finally starting to remember what it feels like to be alive after years and years of not knowing if I was dead or actually breathing. I am stating my own experience here because you are still so so young. You have so much of your life ahead of you. Trust me when I say that you are just starting. There is so much life to live and so much of the world to see. And so far, all you’ve seen is what he has limited you to.

My advice is this. Find what you love again. Revert back to things you enjoyed when you were young. Things you loved before you met him. Whether it be writing, reading, being active, or collecting items. Sometimes figuring this out is trial and error. It wasn't until my early twenties that I knew I could semi write and that it was something I enjoyed doing. Now, I have a fic that people gravitate to. That they find comfort in while I find comfort in them. If you told me at this time last year I would have thought you were crazy. But there truly are better things waiting to you. I promise.

My second advice is this. Talk about your feelings. And if you can't bring yourself to speak, write your feelings out, even if it's only for you to see. Even if it's pages that you will burn. Buy yourself a coffee. Develop a skincare routine. Watch seasons upon season of anime. Do the things you love even if it feels like you don't deserve it. Because, you do.

Please know my asks will always be open to you, as long as my direct messages. If you have not joined the okay, bambi discord my readers made, please do. We have a community there that we would love for you to be a part of. There are always VC calls where we play games or watch movies with each other. Sometimes online friends are better than IRL, especially when you have things in common.

I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that I am so proud of you for getting up, for brushing your teeth, and for showering. I am just so proud of you for still existing. Please keep going. Keep pushing. One day you will be able to look back and see all the progress you made you couldn't see before. I love you to the milky way. I hope my advice helps, and if it doesn't, I am sorry. I am still learning the aftermath of being abused and am trying my best to heal too.

I’m not sure if I am making any sense. I wish I had all the answers, but I promise better days are coming than the ones you have endured. You’re so precious. Don’t ever forget that.

[merakiui]

Hi! I saw the yan Childe wanting to marry his childhood friend and I wanna ask you something. What would he do if she decided to break the promise bc she knows that she wouldn't be happy with him and wanted to die instead? I don't know, I'm thinking in extreme rn and I'm very much obsessed with this concept 😂

Hi, Tri!!! :D Since you’re thinking in extreme, I also decided to go for something twisted.

(cw: yandere, unhealthy behaviors/relationship, manipulation, mentions of implied baby-trap/nsfw/non-con, female reader, mention of death/suicide/dangerous ideation)

Childe assumes you’re looking for an easy scapegoat—a way to make him feel so much pity that he’ll agree to forget about the promise altogether and just accept the fact that you want to die. That doesn’t happen, as much as you would’ve hoped, and it instead makes Childe curious. He wants to know why you’re thinking that way. Surely you don’t actually want that. You were always so eager to daydream about your wedding with him. What changed? Why aren’t you as enthusiastic as you used to be? Is it because he’s a Harbinger? Is it because he’s done foul things? Is it because he’s not your type?

Whatever the answers may be to those questions, the fact still remains that you made a promise. It would be foolish to break it now, especially since it’s been cemented into his mind for so long. He practically has it etched into his heart. It’s the sort of promise that’s unbreakable once it’s left its imprint. Now that the two of you are older, marriage feels like a plausible way to tie your souls together. Childe can already picture how lovely the ceremony will be—how happy his family will be to watch the two of you recite your vows and accept one another.

And yet any dreams of marriage or starting a family with you are shattered when he catches wind of your suicidal wishes. You must really hate him if you want to die that badly. That feels a little harsh to him. Childe isn’t a complete monster; he’s willing to do lots of things for you and all you have to do is accept him as your husband. It’s not like you’ll have any other chances in the romance department, as he’s made sure you’ll only look at him. It was petty, childish, and very selfish, but he couldn’t help it. Childe’s addicted to you.

He’s prevented your suicide so many times now and each time it gets too close. One of these days he’ll fail and then he’ll really lose you. That’s something he can’t bear, so it’s fairly easy for him to devise a plan to keep you by his side forever. It’s not something you’ll like and he’s aware that it could just make you hate him even more. But he puts your own wants and needs to the side and prioritizes his plans. In the back of his mind, beyond the calculating Harbinger who’s ready to spar with anything that has a pulse, there’s the idea of starting a family with you.

It might not be ideal at first, considering visits from him are scarce when he’s always traveling for missions. But you’ll be alive and well while he’s gone, under close supervision to ensure you won’t get the opportunity to commit suicide. And even if you think about the ways you can do it, you’ll be restricted by the fact that you wouldn’t just be ending your own life. You’d be ending the life of the child inside you. And you’ve always been a sweet, gentle person. Surely you don’t want to deny life to a child who hasn’t even experienced it yet; that’s just cruel and Childe will eagerly remind you of this fact whenever you start to act irrationally.

It’s unfair; you hate it, but it’s nearly impossible to escape. Any loopholes you might’ve exploited before have been tied up, expertly brushed to the side in an effort to contain you. Even though you covet death, your wishes will never be granted—not while Childe’s alive, at least. And unluckily for you he’s not going to die anytime soon. He has so much to look forward to! After all, the two of you are a couple now; you’re going to raise a child together. How can he not be happy? Of course he doesn’t want to die now!

For him it’s a dream come true, but for you it’s the beginning of a long, never-ending nightmare.

[chbslove]

how does one, hypothetically, write torture without it going too much overboard (don't tell me there's not an overboard because I will go absolutely batshit and just obliterate any meaning of the word)?

also, if I wanted somebody (*cough cough* percy) to escape said torture, without making it sound like I'm copying somebody (*cough cough* you)?

I don't know if I want him to escape, I could always leave an ambiguous ending, but I've never done that before, and I don't want to get attacked by an angry army of ao3 users.

WHOO get ready for a long answer bestie,,,

*cough cough cough* i dunno if this is going to get the fbi on my ass but uhmmm. if the setting of whatever youre writing allows it try making it less physical and more the mental kind of torture (yknow the /taunting/ and the /laughing at the person being tortured/ and so on). it is all the much more wrecking to the reader if our beloved protagonist is already wanting to be dead before the real torture even starts. i might or might not have read one too many fanfictions. anyway its about the ~despair~

BUT if youre really going for the physical torture after then it's best to stay with simple stuff. blows to the head are a nope (unless you want him to be concussed, personally i cant stand writing concussed characters 🤠) but the occasional broken nose is a classic. also black eyes. punching the face is ok is what im trying to say. breaking ribs is a little critical i'd refrain from that. they hurt IMMENSELY

cuts are good man. if the torturer is experienced then they will be painful but shallow enough so they wont draw too much blood -> therefore causing agony without actually threatening our man's life. watch out so you dont catch any important arteries tho. also if le knife is hot then it will hurt even more. ouch. i'm actually grimacing rn bc that sounds painful help

also if its *cough cough* percy then he can and absolutely will somehow get his shit together well enough to figure out a way to escape. youre being so vague bestie i think to figure out an escape route i'd need to know more about the setting but dont you worry about copying me i do not care :)

AND tag the ambiguous/open ending if you want to go for that. if they are upset then they should learn how to read tags lmaoo. tags are your friend forever and always 🤞

(TAG ME BESTIE. also your other ask made me cry yesterday and i will keep it in my inbox forever so i can look at it whenever im sad. i love you so much jayie 💖💖💖💖💖💖)

[imagine-your-love-story]

hey penny!! This is kind of a big one, but you're my absolute favorite f/o blog and I trust you to maybe help with this a bit. I've been struggling a lot with having an f/o lately in a deeper way that's nothing but shame and guilt and jealousy. I'm in a really difficult transition in my life rn and have been struggling in a way I haven't for such a long time, and my f/o's source media has been my incredible safe space for a while now. I love it. It makes me feel excited and like myself and motivated to one day make great art like it. but lately my brain has twisted it (and my relationship with my f/o) into this terrible thing to be ashamed of. I tend to be a fandom jumper, delving into a piece of media for about 6 months at a time, before it fades and I find something else. and I'm TERRIFIED that I'm starting to feel disconnected from this piece of media I feel like I kinda need right now during this time? it's not as long as other pieces of media and I'm scared I've kinda drained it dry of its magic and have kinda experienced everything, and that the honeymoon period is over, and I so desperately want it to go back to that. I want it to be okay to keep enjoying this thing I love, and honestly feel like I need at times (I swear sometimes I'm in full baby needs her bottle mode). but I've been having STRIKING jealousy over other people liking or writing fanfic for him. Not to mention he's canonically married and everyone ships them like crazy-- I personally don't that much, and she kinda looks like me anyway (at times I just pretend she's my s/I and he whispers a combo of her name and mine and lets her hair down so it looks like mine bc he secretly knows she's just my own s/I ;) -- but I still get bothered and hate myself for the first instinctual emotional and physical response to seeing them and seeing other people like him. It's so weird and turns this experience into something I hate, but can't step away from either. I have my own canon a year after the events of my source that I think is super cute and make things work for both my f/o and his (ex- ;) ) canon love interest (and I personally think is super cute, I totally ship her with his brother) but it's hard not to feel like that's wrong or stupid or out-of-character or disrespecting the original canon or experiencing this art in the 'wrong' way or whatever, especially considering how much content there is for them. I told my s/o I needed a break, just a step back, and he was very sweet about it and understood ("I'm here when you need me"). but needed him sooner than I thought, and last night we were just able to cuddle and hold each other without talking or putting a label on it or jumping to a big conclusion about any of it. it was nice. lol maybe I just need to step out of the fandom part of it and just enjoy it for myself in my own special way, and get back to why I enjoyed it in the first place. there's so much self-judgement about it all (I've been here before with a lot of things I love, the fear of obsession, the shame of needing, feeling like I should be more rational and adult about everything, feeling like I HAVE to step away even though my brain instantly fights against it-- and none of those fears have ever come to fruition. I guess it just saddens me that all this deep love will fade eventually. it makes me sad. I just want to make it a happy place for me while it lasts. and I'm sure it'll come back into my life eventually, with only the happy stuff and none of the bad, which is what usually happens) I know this is a lot (my mini novel!! hope you've enjoyed!!) and I originally thought of just messaging you for advice, but thought that maybe even one person out there might relate and need the advice too. your blog and your heart (it shines through even just in your writing) are amazing and I appreciate you being willing to read. even just writing about it helps, especially to someone who I feel might sympathize or understand. escapism and media we relate to are so important, so it breaks my heart when it becomes this overcomplicated, depressing beast--

especially when I feel it doesn't have to be. again, thanks for reading this WALL of text and I hope you have the best, most peaceful, wonderful day. <3

Hello lovely darling!! Thank you so much for feeling comfortable to share with me!! ♥♥♥ I'm so sorry you're struggling and swamped with these emotions! They sound like a beast to bear! ♥

A number of things stood out for me so I'm probably going to write a mini novel in return so buckle up for some reading! :)

Fandom

You mentioned that your f/o and his canon love interest are a popular ship. Because of that, you see a lot of material that makes you feel jealous.

Fandom can be GREAT in many ways, but it can also be a lot to process and/or pretty horrible, depending on the situation.

For one of my f/os, the fandom likes to write really rough explicit fics It doesn't fit his personality AT ALL but it's now the norm for about 95% (if not more) of the fandom to write this content. And A LOT of it.

So of course people assume everyone accepts it as canon. Then they stop tagging things because why bother? EVERYONE likes it! (allegedly) Which makes it really difficult to blacklist.

I couldn't get away from it. Every time I tried finding new blogs to follow, it was one graphic fic after another.

At least three times in the course of the past year, I have fully removed myself from my f/o and his source material because I was getting so anxious, I was edging into panic attack territory.

He didn't make me feel safe anymore. He made me want to run away.

I have *carefully* eased myself back into my f/o's material again. But I do NOT go into any tags related to him. I follow about 2 blogs that I trust and that's it.

Sometimes I think fandoms can form these unwieldy mobs. It can be fun to find other people to share your enthusiasm with!

But the catch-22 is that you can also encounter people who may throw a wet blanket on your enthusiasm and ruin the fun for you.

I believe it's perfectly normal to take a break from fandom. It helps you get back to what YOU liked about the show, rather than constantly assessing what OTHER people think about it and getting overwhelmed with the fact that it seems you're the ONLY person who thinks X while everyone else is all about Y.

I've noticed other self-shippers have mentioned similar problems - feeling overwhelmed and outnumbered by the general majority of the fandom. Feeling like they shouldn't enjoy what they do because a large portion of the fandom hates it.

If you weren't on tumblr, would you still enjoy the thing? Probably!

It might feel lonely and weird at first to take a break from fandom. But try to enjoy yourself and remember why you fell in love with your f/o in the first place! :)

If it would make you feel more comfortable, you could set your blog to private so only a handful of people you trust can see it instead of the fandom at large!

Fear of fading love

You mentioned that you're scared your love for your f/o's material will fade at some point. And it might. Everything in life has a cycle - things shift because we've outgrown it or we want something fresh or we need new horizons to explore and that's okay!

But that love has been a crucial and defining part of your life for a LONG time. That love is permanently etched into you like a tattoo. It helped you grow. It helped you learn to love yourself in a whole new way you never would have had otherwise!

This love has shaped you and given you confidence and support. It has created a safe haven for you, granting you the comfort and freedom to be yourself.

That will stay with you forever. Every time you employ that confidence, you're exercising what that love has taught you. You're drawing on the well of strength it created in you. You're revisiting it and saying thank you and I love you always.

Maybe you won't love it as deeply in the future. But the love will always remain :)

Feeling disconnected

I can DEFINITELY relate to this feeling and it suuuuuucks omg.

There could be any number of reasons why you're feeling this disconnect but unfortunately, the only way to move past it is to hold on and weather the storm.

Maybe it's real life problems creating stress that make you feel blah.

Maybe it's just a "change of season" and you're in the transition mode into something else. But the in-between time is turbulent and a generally yucky feeling.

About 4 years ago, I was crazy in love with Star Wars and super active. I wrote fic like a madwoman (300k words in 1 1/2 years). But the fandom was very heavy on the toxic drama. And too many people were demanding/rude with their "feedback" on my fics.

Eventually, I stopped writing and disappeared because I was completely burned out. I didn't enjoy Star Wars anymore.

No matter how hard I looked, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find anything to replace Star Wars. And it left me feeling so listless (and kinda bitter, tbh).

I'm finally starting to touch on a few media sources that I'm really nuts about now and it feels amaaaaazzzziiing to get into that groove again.

But it took FOUR YEARS.

I tried to go back, revisit my old stomping grounds, pick up my old username but it felt...off. I wasn't that person anymore. I had expanded into something else that needed more room to breathe.

Looking back, I've realized that I had to sort through a few things before I could reach where I am now.

I had been juggling a number of stressors that were taxing my mental energy, including: family responsibilities, job stress (BIG one), Covid (another BIG one), self criticism (i.e. "this is a waste of time and you should do something more productive, stop being childish"), and burnout.

Eventually something will *click* again! But for now, it sounds like you're sorting through something and until you come out the other side, it might be a bumpy ride for a while (HUGS). It WILL sort itself out eventually though, promise! ♥

Feeling guilty/shame

This is only a matter of how you are treating yourself and speaking to yourself, my lovely!

Everyone has needs. That's not something to be shameful for. When you bury that need because you think, "I shouldn't feel this way!", you only create MORE anxiety.

If you NEED your f/o's source material right now to bring some joy into your life, that's okay!

If you NEED a break from fandom because people won't shut up for god's sake about shipping your f/o with your canon love interest, that's okay!

The best way to battle feelings of shame is be kind to yourself. Talk yourself down from the brink of these volatile emotions that are upsetting you.

DON'T beat yourself over the head and say, "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. BE AN ADULT, YOU NOODLE."

DO try acknowledging the way you feel and alter your activity to something that makes you feel better, like, "Hey, I'm not in a great headspace right now. Fandom doesn't seem to be helping, making me feel worse. I know it's fiction but my feelings are valid. I'm going to listen to some music that reminds me of my f/o because I enjoy doing that."

***

Anyway, um, WOW that got much longer than I expected! I hope a little of that was useful, lovely! Fingers crossed that things start looking up for you very soon!!! ♥

[kinanina]

7, 17, 27, 37, 47, 57 and 89 <3

7. Are you in love? Do you want to be?

I'm not in love currently with anyone currently. i think it would be nice, but love for someone takes time and i'm in no rush. these things will come naturally. besides i do admit that im in love with life lol live laugh and love ✌🏻🤪

17. did you have imaginary friends? do you still have them?

i didn't have imaginary friends, but i did daydream a lot about going on adventures in many different settings. from my own ideas to different fictional worlds. i also liked to make up characters and stories (on my own or with my friends) so that could maaaaybe count??? idk??? some characters i still draw from to time today i guess lol

27. are you afraid of growing old?

not at all. the only thing im afraid of is becoming someone i don't really want to be or someone that doesn't align with what i hope i'll be. does that make sense? i do admit tho that time is a very strange concept and it makes me sometimes nostalgic for the past. besides growing old means nothing more than that youve entered a new stage in life. ure the same but completely different and wiser and just more selfassured/care less.

37. do opposites attract?

sure. depends tho on how opposite they are to each other and if it's going to work out. i mean the opposite of yourself may be super interesting at first, but there is things that do have to align in order for the relationship to grow. or at least both parties have to be open enough to accept and change with the other. like at least in ideals, politics etc. has to have a common ground.

47. do you have to suffer to truly understand the human condition?how can you really experience it?

eh i think thats pretty much up to the person themselves. like why does someone have to suffer in order to understand the human condition? what is there to suffer about? we exist and we are the most human every second of our existence, in any state of mind be it suffering or feeling happy. personally i think the best way to understand the human condition is when you look at a person petting an animal or hugging someone they love. i think we became intelligent because we started caring for and bonding with each other. i mean why else do we have pets??? suffering sounds romantic and it sounds smart/realistic to attribute it to human condition. (suffering still being somewhat too romanticized today ngl) though the human condition can be experienced and understood by just existing in whatever condition.

57. do you think humans are obsessed with escapism? are you looking for an escape? do you think it's a bad thing?

yes. especially today were all very very much so obsessed with escapism even more so due to the fact that all media is always and at any time ready to be consumed. we have become so attached to so many forms of escapism that we forget to face ourselves and would rather continue doing whatever else. i dont think escapism is bad though because everyone needs it once in a while. be it through daydreaming or books or hobbies or whatever. i sometimes also look for an escape. the way we live today makes it very, very hard to confront reality as reality has become a very TIRING mixture of bad news, constant barrage of information at all times, constant pressure from work and so on and so on. and due to being constantly exhausted by something around us, we 'need' these breaks more and more often. bruh idk im rambling rn

89. if you lost all your memories would you still have the same personality?

no. because i am my memories, my experience, the people in my life. i may have the genetic personality traits, which came from my ancestors, that may be a part of me anyway, but never again will i be the same again. the new memories and experiences id make, may be completely different from the lost ones and thus id be a new person. maybe the memories and experiences and people all develop the same way but they would still be new to me and i may react to them in a new way and become a new person anyway. in short: you are who you are because of your memories and experience that have been formed by your surroundings and the many people that have come and gone in your life.

thank u so much for sending these!!! if i seem incoherent and like i make no sense, its bc i licherally got rlly sleepy midway thru but had too many ideas that id forget by tomorrow. so <3

[justtogetthrough]

My kid has been in town a week and knows I've been trying to calm down after some really whack shit happened as I've been honest that I'm struggling. Hes very respectful that i may not be in a place to be around people rn and has been heistant to ask too much from me, which is thoughtful but makes me kinda sad, but jumping to the end of the story when he needed me he did reach out and now he is here today, much earlier than planned but entirely necessary. We were gonna hang out next week and there was loose plans he'd come stay here at some point because his alternatives are couch surfing in residences that are... not overly safe for him. And just, they are busy and chaotic environments where he's on the couch and having to socialize with the hosts and be "on" all the time despite every day being supremely shitty and triggering for him because these people are not good to him. When he shared with his best friend he was planning to ask me to stay at my house rather than another night at their house, his friend legit got upset with him and was alll "what my house isnt good enough for you". And this is from after he escaped to the friend's house to avoid the inappropriate shit taking place at his mom's house, this friend was supposed to be refuge but shit got whack there too. Which im surprised about. This friend knows i am my kid's home, his caregiver. Why the need to guilt trip him into wanting a familiar house where our environment, our relationship is safe, calm, and predictable? Fuck this friend for making him feel bad and fuck this friend for not offering a place of safety where he felt he could stay for more than one night. That's on you pal. My kid can come home any time he wants to escape people like you.

So he arrived home today practically shaking and feeling so guilty for just wanting to be near me, be in his old home, be away from other people (he knows I'm a recluse and given my current mental state need a lot of alone time, meaning he'll have equal amounts of alone time here) where he can just be himself and not try to appease his hosts. He has a bed and a room here and won't be made to feel like he's in the way. In the week he's been back he's experienced so much harm from people he loves and it's fucking tragic.

It blows my mind the trauma this kid has been through just this WEEK. I was really enjoying my week alone but after hearing the horrors of his first of four weeks back in this shit town, I had to get him here. He brought a huge amount of stuff and I suspect this is where he's staying for the next 3 weeks. All I've ever wanted was for him to be safe and loved. He knows he has that here. I often feel like I havent changed his life path, idk if I have set him up for success bc he is making choices I wish he wasn't. But. When he needed safety, when he needed a place to calm down, when he needed a big hug because he has missed me, he knew his home is always available to him and we'll just communicate re: my mental health but if there's one thing I've been able to change in this kid's life? He knows who to call when he needs safety and stability.

A lot of people in my life doubt I will remain his caregiver for the rest of my life, they assume that this was temporary and the longer I have his mom blocked and the longer she's out of my life, her kid will follow. But he's my kid now, like he's been from day 1. And I am his only sense of stability - I will never abandon that kid. He can try to sabotage it all he wants bc he's messed the fuck up, but I am too and I can see through it all. He needs someone to come through for him and I will be that person til the day I die and I do hope I never have to be involved with his mother in any capacity ever again, but recognize there will always be that connection through the kid we share. She never deserved me, but her son was long overdue for someone like me - so maybe the ptsd was worth it. A kid feels safer and more stable because of me. It sucks I'm moving cuz this was supposed to be our home for a good long time - but things change and im actually moving somewhat closer to where he is and I look forward to having him come stay at my new place. It'll be more cramped for sure, 800sqft apartment compared to 1500sqft house. But. I allow him to take up space and I will always take him in when he's in need. His mom is so fucked and his friends just suck.