#i'm done being angry
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Badmouthing coworkers in private chats and borrowing money that you're later on giving back (including interest), being in a toxic relationship? Not a crime.
Spreading private information, spreading fake rumors, bullying, stalking, abusing, defaming, blackmailing, coercion? Indeed those are all real crimes.
And some still wonder why there are so many people who defend Build 🤦♀️
Btw, looks like he is taking this issue once again to court. I hope he won't settle for an agreement this time. It's clear that certain people need to feel the full force of the law or they'll never stop their slander campaign.
#in a way i wish he'd be as much of an asshole as some people want to make us believe he is#then he'd post his own chat ss (chats always go two ways :3)#and reveal all the jucy little secrets he knows about the people from that company#who knows maybe he'll get angry enough this time#because at some point everyone gets fed up with bullshit like this#:)#build jakapan#now off to more positive things#i'm done being angry#edit: biu's sister bee said 'no negotiations this time' :)
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#tsou#the secret of us#the secret of us the series#earn sanitada#orm kornnaphat#oh she's unhinged UNHINGED#perhaps I love... fictional unhinged women...#hope this doesn't awaken something in me#anyway I always thought that Earn is the scary one instead of Lada#she's just so expressive with everything#and her impulsive ass would make her explosive when she's angry angry#exhibit A#combined with her cute puppy eyes and it's LETHAL#also I love how she softens at the end like 'what have I done?'#like she's actually disappointed with herself by being angry#and she just wants to leave and sulks somewhere#Orm is also so expressive with her eyes tbh#I'm thinking of Earn realizing that she could be so destructive toward herself and people around her#would that destroy her? How would she redeem herself? That would be incheresting to watch#titfairygifs
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I walked into work this morning after crying at a convivence store because the woman behind the counter said she liked my RBG sweatshirt and she hoped I was okay. I wasn't expecting it. I live in a very red part of Michigan and her kindness and gentleness made me cry.
I told myself when I woke up that I wasn't going to cry. I stared at my phone for twenty minutes, dread pooling in my chest because even though I let myself get hopeful yesterday, I knew what I was going to see.
I said I wasn't going to cry.
And when I got to work, one of the other preschool teachers walked into my classroom, and she didn't say anything, we just looked at each other and I started to cry. I had parents who I knew were happy with the results about to drop off their kids and I couldn't start crying, but I did.
I only have nine kids in my class, I only had to get through seven drop offs today. I only had three parents that were devastated. I cried about that too.
I had two little girls in my class today, and they got into an argument, as two years old's will do, and they both got upset and started crying. One of them laid on the floor next to me, and one of them collapsed onto my chest, and I cried with them too.
During group time today, I cried while reading a book about kindness. "What does it mean to be kind? Being kind means standing up for those who are less fortunate than you." I had to stop reading for a minute. My assistant teacher looked at me from across the room and I couldn't meet her eyes.
I stayed off social media all day, but when I caved and opened tik tok, the first video I saw was of women in other countries governments saying that they were standing with us through this hard thing and I cried again.
I think I'm gonna keep crying. At least for today and the next couple of days.
And tomorrow (which may not actually be tomorrow) I'll figure out what comes next.
#mine#not hp#i cried while writing this#if you voted for trump fuck off#if you didn't vote at all fuck off#i may be crying a lot but I'm also angry#how often do I bitch about people hating women in fandom?#if you scroll there's a post about it like three down from here#i feel stupid for being hopeful#i really thought people were done with his bs#that they would vote for her#also idk what this is some personal essay or something#i hid a lot of tears from my babies today
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my parents: punishing and humiliating me under duress and torture for having any kind of reaction, for crying, for complaining, for getting angry, trying to fight back, breaking down or showing any kind of pain and fear
also my parents: increasingly annoyed when they can't easily get a reaction out of me and stooping to worse and more horrid provocations and violence to still be able to get a reaction
#i'm dissociating you freaks#abusive parents#torture mention#toxic parents#child abuse#psychological abuse#conditioning a child to not have a reaction#then torturing the child to get a reaction out of them#and being angry when the child is blank and doesn't react#because you fucking punish every reaction#this is done in torture situations#not in childcare#you stupid idiots#i hate every single thing you did to me while i was dissociating#if i am blank you need to fucking stop#and consider why am I using a trauma dissociation method to survive whatever you're doing to me#and why are you being a life threat to me
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teen wolf meme: [3/6] creatures -> kitsune
There are thirteen kinds of Kitsune: celestial, wild, ocean, thunder... But there is one, a dark Kitsune. They call it void, or Nogitsune.
#teen wolf#kitsune#kira yukimura#nogitsune#noshiko yukimura#twedit#twgifs#mine#my gifs#twmeme#kitsune my beloveds#we should have gotten more of noshiko#actually they should have just treated all the yukimuras better#kira's tail should have had more impact on the story#i know noshiko only had like 13 tails or smth after being alive for 900 years so it wouldn't make sense for kira to get another one#during the run of the show BUT what they did do with her tail like her father using it to bring her back in season 5 had so much potential#they should have done more with it is all i want honestly#i'm gonna sound like a broken record for all these creature ones but the kitsune are soooo cool within the show#would have been great if they didn't use japanese imagery like that tho#not even gonna touch on how the movie messed up so much of the mythology and changed stuff i'll get angry#just know i love them
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PLEASE DO NOT TAG AS YOUR OWN OC OR PAIRING.
Nathan and Ruben share a bond more powerful than most; mutual understanding through past experiences no one should ever have to go through, and through past actions so horrible they cannot be spoken of. Their grief and the blood on their hands binds them to the STEM technology they created, which has alienated them from the rest of the world— but they give each other the comfort they have both longed for so desperately for years, and that is all they need. They are each other's counterpart; you cannot imagine one without the other, like two sides of the same coin. Through their pain, their grief, their desire, and their regret, they have become one.
anna akhmatova, the guest // bones; equinox // 'i won't become' by kim jakobsson // agustín gómez-arcos, the carnivorous lamb // by oxy // achilles come down; gang of youths // czeslaw milosz, from 'new and collected poems: 1931-2001' // 'extended ambience portrait from a resonant biostructure' and 'migraine tenfold times ten' by daniel vega // a little death; the neighbourhood // marina tsvetaeva, from 'poem of the end' // by drummnist // katie maria, winter // 'nocturne in black and gold the falling rocket' by james abbott mcneill whistler // micah nemerever, these violent delights // body language; we are fury // 'the penitent' by emil melmoth // chelsea dingman, from 'of those who can't afford to be gentle'
taglist (opt in/out)
@shellibisshe, @florbelles, @ncytiri, @hibernationsuit, @stars-of-the-heart;
@lestatlioncunt, @katsigian, @radioactiveshitstorm, @estevnys, @adelaidedrubman;
@celticwoman, @rindemption, @carlosoliveiraa, @noirapocalypto, @dickytwister;
@killerspinal, @euryalex, @ri-a-rose, @velocitic, @thedeadthree
#tew#edit:nathan#nuclearocs#nuclearedits#so much shame in my body but still used my taglist but um let me know if you want to be excluded from oc/ship web weaves#just really wanted to share this one because i'm very proud of it and i want it on my blog. so. :]#recognition of the self through the other + wanting so desperately for the other to be deserving of a second chance#because if there is hope for them than there is hope for you etc etc and so on. that's the core of their dynamic i think#they understand each other on such a fundamental level that no one else comes close to because they are in so many ways the same#like how in in the first game leslie could sync up with ru/vik and all that? nathan would be a VERY good candidate for that as well#and it makes me insane!! and then the added layer of nathan being lead developer of mobius' new and improved STEM system#which makes him the same as ru/vik AGAIN but in like. the way that they're both men of [computer] science#and there's the fact they both have a dead sister. they both killed their parents. they were both mobius playthings for YEARS#and they've happily killed and tortured during all of it. they're angry they're out for revenge they're completely disconnected from#the normal human experience and they're working with what they have. and then after all of that is over then what is left?#their story focuses on them picking up all the pieces. everything that's still salvageable at least. and try to start over in a way#they cannot be forgiven for what they've done but they can move on from the past and do different in the future#there's still things left undone and left unsaid... in my canon at least. i know there's not gonna be any more games. it's fine#anyway they end up going to therapy and then they get better they're not a doomed couple they just like being dramatic#if you read all of this we can get married tomorrow if you'd like
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Okay serious question, how do I keep a friend away who I stopped seeing as a friend due to dismiss and ignoring of my feeling and he has romantic feelings and asked me out multiple times/ made hints about a what could have been despite knowing I'm not into men?
Edit: Okay! He is blocked now and yes I had a ray that's not normal moment
#Maybe tumblr knows what to do#I am so done with him#Like he is actually a very kind shy boy but whenever I told him about me being hurt or showed signs of trauma he started to guilt trip me#and made himself the victim of me being 'rude' when I was stuck in trauma emotion AND LITERRALY UNABLE TO TALK#It had gotten so bad that I told me best friend and he made a code word up that I could use so he'd made up a reason for him to get me out#L I love you sooooo much for that you have no idea#He is literally like my older brother but one I didn't had to take care of as a child#OH AND BTW TURNS OUT THE BOY I WAS TALKING ABOUT IN THE POST HAD BEEN FLIRTING WITH ANOTHER GIRL WGIEL TRYING TO GET WITH ME#What in the actual fuck???#I'm so done#Ray is yapping#No actually Ray is angry and all my friends are on vacation and ghosting me so I just yell at tumblr in frustration
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What are the things you Like and Dislike about Sniper? (Valve's Sniper and the fans' interpretation of Sniper)
I've got no issue with canon Sniper and love canon Sniper. I'm so sorry anon, you've woken the dog. Ignore me as I proceed to bark angrily for the next half-hour, because I have many issues with fanon Sniper.
But first I'll start with what I like about fanon Sniper. I love how everyone has their own little twist to him, even if most I don't agree with. I love how I can see how authors and artists have interacted with people and the scope of experiences they've heard about off how they write Sniper. I like that I can make judgements on people off how they treat his character (not in a "they make bad things happen to him" kinda way, but in a "how does this person handle Sniper's being adopted" kinda way). I like that I can use Sniper as a looking glass into the author/artist. I'm sure this applies to other characters too, but looking through Sniper just comes easier to me because I suppose I can put myself in his shoes? Iunno.
Now that that's over with, please allow your actual resident bushman and professional sniper to get on his soapbox, thank you.
List of shit I hate about fanon Sniper:
Fandom constantly referring to him as a Kiwi, completely ignoring his entire character arc in the comics where he realises that he is in fact Australian and that the two people who raised him all his life are in fact his "real" parents. The fandom needs to re-assess how they view adoptees/migrants and their relationship to their adopted culture, especially when they show no interest in assimilating into their birth culture and have no knowledge/experience of it. This is such an issue to me that I, someone who emigrated to Australia when I was two years old and grew up Australian despite being born in another country, will just outright block people who call Sniper a Kiwi cuz I already know how you're going to see and view me before we even get to talking.
I don't like how half the fandom twinkifies him. There I said it. On the other hand, I don't like the other half of the fandom often makes him very muscular. Do you not know what lean muscle looks like?
I don't like how the fandom calls him "stinky" or says he's unhygienic. None of the fandom understands how well animals can smell and how much of a successful hunt depends on animals not being able to smell you. You know what makes animals flee fastest? The smell of smoke and the smell of human body odour. If you're upwind of your target they are going to smell you and flee. Sniper, professional hunter for yonks, would not fucken stink considering it'd make him a completely useless hunter. He'd shower daily, wear scent cover (NOT deodorant--Sniper would not smell good, he just would not have a scent at all). Also none of the fandom understands how important hygiene is in the bush. Sniper is not walking around covered in dirt and such. He would be very clean and practise good hygiene because if you don't stay clean you end up smelly (ruining his chances of a successful hunt) and/or end up sick--especially with skin problems.
I don't like how the fandom has generally accepted out-of-characters traits as canon. For example, Sniper being "shy". Reclusive DOES NOT EQUAL SHY. He's a fucken assassin, does the fandom not understand how that works? Shy people do not get hired. No one is going to hire a hitman who's quaking in his boots because a client looked at him a little too long or applied a little too much social pressure. Sniper would be more than capable of blending into his surroundings when needed, such as a crowd, if it means making his hit or getting where he needs to go to make said hit. Sniper would be capable of lying to cover his arse on the spot and making it believable. Sniper would be able to manage being flirted with in public and play it off cooly--though privately is a different matter, so go wild with that all you like. There is a major difference between someone not caring for the company of other people and someone who gets shy or nervous around them. Professionals have standards, and Sniper would keep his shit together for the sake of getting his mark.
He wouldn't smoke cannabis. Whether it's because he just doesn't care for the high, whether it's because it doesn't do much for him, whether it's because THC in particular makes him anxious (you know that man is paranoid, all hitmen are)--the bottom line is that the smoke of cannabis clings to your clothes like nothing else, it takes forever to get the smell out, and yeah sure you can mask it with other smells but the issue is that Sniper, as a hunter, cannot be smelt by anything he's hunting. And you know what scent cover DOESN'T conceal? Cannabis. (Sauce: I have tried.) I could defo see him doing edibles though. But why do you think he's doing shrooms, ay? Because shrooms don't leave a smell.
None of the fandom knows how sniping actually works. Just. At all. I've seen horrendous fucking takes. He is not "feeling it." He is not cracking off a shot at 1200yd a second after taking aim. That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works. DO ANY OF YOU KNOW WHAT ELEVATION OR WINDAGE IS?
Sniper would not be bothered by the cold. A camper has SO LITTLE INSULATION (I live in one!!) and the outback gets BELOW FREEZING AT NIGHT IN WINTER. Sniper would be well-adjusted to handling extreme temperatures at BOTH ENDS of the temperature range. He might be a little more susceptible to cold because he's experienced less of it, but he would not be shivering at fucking 15c/60f. It's also fucken cold during the day in winter because it's the outback and there's no trees to trap the heat in. Temperatures fluctuate wildly, and bushmen need to be highly adaptable or you die.
Not Sniper-specific but the fandom also doesn't understand jack shit about weapons. You clean them after you use them. That's not a clip, it's a MAGAZINE--yes there is a difference. YOU ARE NOT PUTTING A DIRTY SWORD INTO ITS SCABBARD. That's not how revolvers work. No, that either. That's a double-action, you don't have to cock the hammer to fire it. That's a single-action, you do need to cock the hammer to fire it. Bolt-action rifles don't have hammers. You don't rack a bolt, you cycle it, you rack a slide on a semiautomatic pistol or a pump-action shotgun. I'm hitting you with my old man bitching cane.
Continuing from the above point: people who draw Sniper with his finger on the trigger of his rifle/any firearm when he should not have finger on the trigger of a firearm. YOU ONLY PUT YOUR FINGER ON THE TRIGGER WHEN YOU ARE READY TO SHOOT. TRIGGER DISCIPLINE, PEOPLE. IT SAVES LIVES.
Most of the fandom has no idea what the fuck they're talking about or doing with this bloke (or his job, or lifestyle, or where he comes from) and it shows. There, I said it.
#blu whos#tf2#sniper tf2#ok i'm done being angry now. but god it wouldn't kill you fellas to research things. please#i'm not saying i'm the arbiter of sniper. but i am saying that as someone who has a very very very similar lifestyle and job?#it's really bloody frustrating#sniperposting
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"Madam Yu would be a Karen/ treat minimum wage employees like shit-" literally the only servant she's shown abusing is Wei Wuxian (and that's because he's the victim of a proxy war between her and Jiang Fengmian around the idea of him being adopted into the family, not because of his class). Madam Yu's two handmaid's love and respect her, and Madam Yu actually defends them when Wang Lingjiao tries being a Karen to them. She also tells Wang Lingjiao to fuck off when she demands the Jiang servants bring her tea.
Also, Karens are unpleasant women, but not all unpleasant women are Karens. That term is about entitlement and being unreasonable (and often times, racist). Madam Yu is mean and unpleasant to talk to, but she keeps most of her interactions brief and probably doesn't have the time or mental energy to be a Karen or hold a grudge that long. If you want an actual example of a Karen in mdzs, Wang Lingjiao is right there
#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#grand master of demonic cultivation#for those confused on who I'm arguing against- this is about comments left on the “who'd be more insufferable online” tournament#I'll stop writing Madam Yu defense posts when y'all start actually looking at how she's described in the books#you guys just parrot and amplify the same “woman mean” narrative about her and its frustrating#I'm convinced most of you dont even read what she says or know she has motivations#and because i get at least one person going “so you're excusing child abuse” every time I talk about her-#No. I am not defending or excusing any of the bs she's actually done in canon#child abuse bad. theres just a lot of misinformation out there on what that abuse actually entailed#1 or 2 lashes that do not break the skin + shit talking and kneeling is a different punishment from whipping someone till they can't move#the former was her usual interaction with wwx. the later was an act to get the wens to fuck off#also can you guys please acknowledge the fact she was incredibly angry and on edge in canon because a war was about to start#and her kids and clan (but especially her kids) were being put in active danger#and that her ranting sessions happened around her family and she was venting#and that she's shown being cordial to unrelated people#she's a well respected figure. that wouldn't happen if she was a karen#and if we're looking at a modern au where there isnt a war happening she probably wouldnt be as on edge
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So, I've wanted to make a post like this for some time, but I only just got the motivation because of an ask I got recently. I want to give a piece of advice to everyone, in general, to keep in mind when using any social media platform--advice that I wish someone had given me way back when, that I feel is important to pass on:
Not every post you see is for you. Not every post is about you.
This is not meant to be a negative thing, or a put-down! It is not meant to dismiss anyone. It's really what it says on the tin: When you see a post cross your feed, and you disagree with the post or it upsets you because you disagree with the message it has, try and keep in mind that you may not be the target audience for the post. In particular, take this into account for advice and positivity posts--The OP doesn't have anything against you personally when they share words that are meant to be uplifting that you don't agree with. A post that says "Keep going! You can do it, even if you think you can't!" probably isn't meant to put down people who are in a position where they very literally cannot do it or think their way out of their situations. Like this post, it's more likely that the OP is sharing positivity or advice that they themselves would have liked to hear.
Even this post, the one I'm writing now, might not be for you or about you! If you disagree with my viewpoint, that's okay, and there's nothing wrong with that! But I, personally, am writing this post for people who might need to hear it--people like me, who are easily upset or hurt by things they see or hear in passing, whether on the internet or real life. I'm not writing it because I want to spark an argument, I promise.
Posts aren't always meant to spread outside the OP's original circle of followers and friends. But that's a hazard of posting to public social media websites--a joke originally meant to have an audience of 12 people close to you can suddenly explode, getting thousands and thousands of views and reposts and going completely out of the OP's control overnight! It's no one's fault; it's not done maliciously. Sometimes a post or joke just resonates with others. But maybe it doesn't resonate with you--that really is okay! Just try and remember, if it gets under your skin, that it isn't for you. And if it's not for you, it's okay to just ignore it and move on! It can definitely get annoying when it's something you keep seeing over and over from friends and acquaintances reposting it, and I'd never fault anyone for losing their temper over it--but sometimes, just taking a second to remind yourself that you weren't the audience for something can really help calm you down and help you feel better and move on with your day.
While this goes for advice/positivity posts, it also goes for opinion posts! And in this case, to be completely, perfectly clear: I mean harmless opinions. A ship they like that you don't; a tv show they enjoyed that you didn't; a character they really love that you absolutely cannot stand. The kind of opinion you disagree with so much that makes you feel absolutely steaming mad. (Again: This does NOT extend to these things when they go into a genuinely harmful category. No homophobia, no pedophilia, nothing like that. I am talking about harmless, mundane disagreements.)
Maybe you see a post talking positively about a manga that makes you feel ick. The OP more than likely didn't write that post with the hopes that it would reach you specifically just to make you upset! (And if they did, that's rude, and an entirely different can of worms that this post is not about! >_>;) But the post upsets you anyway, even if it wasn't MEANT to. It's understandable, it happens! But the thing is: You don't need to engage with that post if it makes you feel bad! If you have a post blocker, you can block the post or blacklist the tag; if you don't, you may just have to scroll past. It can be so, so, so tempting to try and get in a biting comment in the replies to snap at the OP and tell them, "No, you're wrong, your opinion makes me mad and I don't want to hear it!" Trust me. I know. I get it, because I've been there! But in the grand scheme of things, it's not worth it or healthy to burn yourself out over it. It wasn't for you, and it wasn't about you! And you're better off doing what you can to take care of yourself, and preserving your health and happiness where you can.
I feel like I'm writing this with sort of childish language, and it might feel like I'm talking down to others. But really, I think I'm just writing it in a way that a younger me would have understood and taken to heart if she'd seen it. I hope that, if you read this, you can see it that way too! There's a part of me that feels scared that this post in itself could explode with notes that will be very upset with me for my thoughts on this, whatever their reasons may be, but I wouldn't be making it if I weren't prepared for that possibility. If the message I intend to get out can reach even one person who it can help, then I think that's worth writing it for. Because, I want to reiterate it one more time, because it can be so easy to forget it and get yourself furious in a self-destructive way, sometimes you have to remember:
Not every post you see is for you! Not every post is about you!
#I really hope that I've done what I can to keep people from misunderstanding my message here!#I'm writing this partially because I got a very angry ask about a reblog I did including a character I like lol#and I'm writing it partially because my physical health is currently in a very bad place#and that is in part because I did not manage my stress and anger in a healthy way#and as a result#it took a toll on my body! and it is not fun!#so hopefully this can help someone somewhere from being in my shoes#five or ten years down the line#anyway late night ramblings#I rarely talk on here anymore! sorry!
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ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.
#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life#or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM#like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first?#bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware.#he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people#do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN?#(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.)#and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap#like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this.#people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them.#and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way#his whole life!!#other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong#it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently.#anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong#which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right#but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven#i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response!#i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack)#however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit#when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief#but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings#anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc#a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime#vic.txt#dean and feelings#so i can find this all again later
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I love the way you write and FFS is my favourite fic of yours. It was very healing and comforting watching a character go through such a difficult mental health journey. It made me feel less alone. Ef has motivated me to keep going on because things can always get better.
I just wanted to say thank you very much, and I hope you rest as much as you can while you're on break. (P.S. I am super excited for Constellations!! When you mentioned Leo in the last chapter I was like YES! They're still friends!)
Hi anon
I'm so glad you enjoy Falling Falling Stars, it was such a huge undertaking but it was so cathartic even writing it and sharing it at the time, I think it's been pretty humbling honestly that so many folks have brought so much of themselves and their lives to this story, and connect with it and the characters in it.
Efnisien is pretty awesome as a character as a vehicle of 'it sucks and you might even have done bad things but you're still allowed to have good things and you can always improve / better yourself' etc. I used to get a few 'I've never done anything like Efnisien but I relate to him' and my thoughts on that have always been that many of us know what it's like to feel like the worst, even if we've relatively never done anything that bad at all. And it's hard to recover from that feeling, but...perhaps seeing how someone who has been literally the worst is doing it might help.
We all deserve a redemption narrative, even the people who didn't need redeeming in the first place.
#asks and answers#falling falling stars#efnisien ap wledig#i mean to be fair many of us have done bad things without knowing#or without realising how bad they were at the time#and then have to process and deal with that later#i feel like i'm a criminal if i just get angry at someone and it's not deserved so#dsalkfjdsa#i am trying to rest!#toby is being neutered/desexed tomorrow so i actually expect the next 10 days to be quite stressful#and in some ways i'm very glad i *don't* have to write today or tomorrow etc.#i'm still not recovered from my burnout yet so i'm just like#chin-handing and thinking about the future and writing a lot
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I just can't believe that zero pain is the normal amount to be in
#i literally can not remember ever having no pain and it's entirely possible i have been in pain since before birth#usually it's just distracting and makes it so i can't do what i want/need to#but on worse days i can not stop thinking about the pain and i can barely get out of bed for food and such#i feel like such a lazy useless pile of steaming shit right now#i haven't even done anything particularly strenuous#like. sure i had a bad phase with migraines and not sleeping and then pmdd and menstrual hell and the hurricane#and mixed into that i might have pushed myself physically a few times#and if i were anyone else i would be advising the exhausted person to just let themselves rest a bit#but i can not stop thinking about everything that needs to be done#and how much worse other disabled people have it#and how my partner isn't able to rest because they're working overtime hurricane related shifts#and i can't get the voices of my family out of my head about how lazy disabled people are#(but then they'll also accuse people of faking disability if the disabled person pushes themselves)#i hate this and i hate myself and it's infuriating to keep trying to make myself more normal#but it doesn't work and i just keep ending up feeling even more exhausted when i try to start working out (yoga and squats and such)#if I'd had covid and was dealing with long covid I'd understand and maybe be more forgiving#but this started way before covid 19 (which i haven't had afaik) and only got worse after i had shingles#i am so angry and so sick of being exhausted all the time#... it's a bad fatigue and not great pain time and I'm emotional and so fucking frustrated
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Maybe I'm projecting and being hopeful but I mentioned to M that I don't even get to shit by myself in peace lmao and I feel like something clicked for him. Bc I was like hey, at least you get private bathroom breaks at work (noncombative). And since then he's been a lot more acquiescent when I ask if I can nap and stuff
#he's never rly said no he just used to be like 'well whaf if i want to nap' like in the early parenting days#which evolved into 'yeah i guess'-type responses#lately he's more like 'yeah!' like his tone is less. whatever it was before#same with any requests i make in general like if he'll put e down for bed and stuff#idk my weird episode epiphany thing i went through last week has me feeling much less patient and self-questioning#it's just a fact that constantly asking myself if i'm being considerate enough of others has done nothing for me#like it hasn't even improved my relationships.. i don't really have any lol#like i'm done biting my tongue bc idk if i've properly considered their perspective.. i end up blowing up at minor things as a result anyway#like it makes me a worse partner fr#i also really feel like i've been putting daggers thru my own spirit by doing this for so long#like i need to stop troubleshooting my existence like 'what if i conform this way' 'what if i conform that way'#here's what if: you will be profoundly unhappy and no one who you love will truly know you#this is such a tangent off what i started talking about but basically i'm done reflexively wondering#every time i feel wronged disrespected etc. if actually i'm the one in the wrong. it really is reflexive#the way m's mom responded to me setting a boundary was a wake up call like apparently she just read into what i was saying too much#so hypothetically it wasn't the boundary she was angry about but how she thought i set it#but like i don't have any time for you if my extremely sincere and straightforward communication isn't good enough for you#like i'm not going to be understanding of your inability to take me at face value we didn't both fuck up. You did#and that's how i'm going to act. like You fucked up. yk
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guess what I finished watching
#genuinely I am bamboozled#I heard it was bad and I knew it was bad but I didnt realize the scene ITSELF was as horrible as that#its just. genuinely how fucking dare you for doing that#I understand the concept okay#the entire season and show has been foreshadowing eve's own death and I Get the concept of twisting that around#in the sense that her death comes from another's undoing and that her death comes from villanelle's protection#but the execution ????? even putting aside that the ending itself is shit and disingenuous for the characters. the EXECUTION OF IT#thats the part that has Genuinely stumped me#even the reveal at the very end with carolyn- at this point that means nothing#there's no leadup to it happening like I thought there would be it just Happens while theyre being happy and it's all over within 30 second#and then the show Ends#what the fuck#knowing it was coming didnt even help it just makes me more angry than sad#in the last two minutes???????????#goddamn#I am so fucking sorry to u all who watched this season as it aired#that is sick#after all the character development????#okay. I promise I'm done now. what the fuck. I went to bed immediately after watching and woke up ANGRY#sorry for the abundance of tags mygod#killing eve#killing eve spoilers#smokey speaks
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I swear to God if RFK comes in and feeds the anti Vax movement and actively tries to undo vaccination requirements and recommendations I will become openly insufferable to EVERYONE I know who is even remotely anti Vax.
I highly expect it from people I work with. I highly suspect it from my own family. This is absolutely the hill I will die on and I will gladly tell those people to fuck off.
#God I'm so fucking angry#And the people who are applauding him#Bc of course they are bc trump said so#They have 0 critical thinking ability#I should be allowed to hunt down people who don't vaccinate their kids or themselves#With a dart gun loaded with vaccines#As a nurse who has to deal with the stupidity of your fucking decisions#It should be my right#Honestly I'm already at the point of telling my family to fuck off and cut ties#Bc of their bullshit#But I will allow an agreed ceasefire for family#If they want to never say anything about the matter with me around then fine#But I better not see the posts either#I still remember after making a post about masking during covid and how it works and is important#My own mother made a post about masking being a lie and a means of control#I immediately called her and told her that it felt like a punch in the fave#She tried to say it was just her opinion but she would delete it#I told her no need because the damage is done and it won't change how I feel#I also called her on the verge of breakdown when I was new to icu and covid was surging again#And the first thing she said was well I just don't think it was that bad#I told her she's wrong it is that bad and that she can't tell me what I did or did not experience#Fuck
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