#dsalkfjdsa

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I love the way you write and FFS is my favourite fic of yours. It was very healing and comforting watching a character go through such a difficult mental health journey. It made me feel less alone. Ef has motivated me to keep going on because things can always get better.

I just wanted to say thank you very much, and I hope you rest as much as you can while you're on break. (P.S. I am super excited for Constellations!! When you mentioned Leo in the last chapter I was like YES! They're still friends!)

Hi anon

I'm so glad you enjoy Falling Falling Stars, it was such a huge undertaking but it was so cathartic even writing it and sharing it at the time, I think it's been pretty humbling honestly that so many folks have brought so much of themselves and their lives to this story, and connect with it and the characters in it.

Efnisien is pretty awesome as a character as a vehicle of 'it sucks and you might even have done bad things but you're still allowed to have good things and you can always improve / better yourself' etc. I used to get a few 'I've never done anything like Efnisien but I relate to him' and my thoughts on that have always been that many of us know what it's like to feel like the worst, even if we've relatively never done anything that bad at all. And it's hard to recover from that feeling, but...perhaps seeing how someone who has been literally the worst is doing it might help.

We all deserve a redemption narrative, even the people who didn't need redeeming in the first place.

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I've been rereading palmarosa, and I think my first go around their first kiss didn't register to me fully because so much had just happened, but on my second read I definitely was like HOLY SHIT THEY JUST KISSED!! It seems like a bizarre thing for me to have not registered at first, but I'm delighted this time :D I hope all is well for you!

Ahaha he really stealthed in with it! It's like a paragraph mention and then it's gone :D

Honestly I can understand missing it a lot of stuff was happening at the time dsalkjfdsa

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Daily excerpt from chapter 29 of A Stain that Won't Dissolve:

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'So... Okay. Alex, are you maybe...?' - Don't say it, Alex thought. Don't fucking say it. - 'Are you maybe - I can't believe I'm saying this - but are you maybe into me?'  Alex stared at him helplessly.  He wanted to tell Sebastian not to tell anyone, which was hilarious, because the one person who wasn't supposed to know had figured it out.  'Yoba's ass, Alex, you can't not answer this question,' Sebastian said roughly, his hand squeezing Alex's harder where it was holding onto the barbell, until it hurt. His other hand pushed down into his chest. Alex wanted that weight so badly. 'Are you into me?' 

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Hello! I read some of your reposts about importance of comments and that any can be usefull to self evaluation as author. My question - is it weird and uncomfortable if people bring too many personal problems commenting your fics? Like, do you distant yourself out from comments that bring a lot of person's drama, does it feel uplifting in the end, if comment is a lot about reader's not so happy history? Can you still feel joy from that kind of comment?Thanks for unswer if you do.Have a nice day!

Hi anon,

So, this is kind of complex. I would say the vast majority of people don't overshare at all, and when they are sharing from their lives, it's in a way that makes complete sense and is very 'contained.' I can tell they're not expecting emotional labour from me, and that they're sharing because they found a point of resonance between themselves, the story, the situation, or the character/s, or a combination of all of the above.

And like, that's a part of why I write, y'know? I want to strike up that sense of resonance in folks who relate to these characters, so when people share that it has resonated, that's like... purposeful and meaningful to me. I feel like I've made a connection. I also sometimes feel sorrowful - like when someone explains they relate to Efnisien because of abuse they've also experienced, or when someone explains that they relate to a character's chronic illness because of their own.

But I can also generally tell through tone and language that the commenter doesn't expect labour from me, they're speaking their pain into the world in a way that's like 'this is me, and here's this character, and we both share this thing in common.' In a perfect world, none of us would know what this kind of pain is like. In this world, a lot of us do, and we get to feel less alone when we read stories where we feel seen.

And that is, by and large, the general experience when readers share something personal that they resonated with in a comment.

That being said, I do also maintain very strong boundaries with people's personal matters, because I'm not someone who's 'healed and above all my own issues who is sharing what I've learned to people still going through it' I am someone who is still going through it. And often folks have no idea what kind of day I'm having or how I'm feeling when they comment, and so... on the very very rare occasion I do get a comment that feels like it's pushing for some kind of emotional labour that's beyond what I can give... I will not give that labour. I will acknowledge their comment, thank them for reading, and not...give energy I don't have to spare.

And like, honestly, 99 times out of 100, everyone is very respectful of that and even caring towards it.

I can probably count on like two hands, in ten years, the commenters who I felt had become very self-focused or what I felt was over-sharing in comments in a way that sort of...was no longer about me or the story, where they just treated the comment section as a diary instead. In those cases I tend to leave very brief acknowledgements, as a kind of 'I see this, I know this is painful, but this is not my lane, and I don't want this to be my lane.' But a more compassionate version of that.

If anything, the most personal stories, anon, come to me in Asks that are sent via Tumblr, off anonymous, so I can reply privately. These folks are usually very...aware that I might not be in the space to hear them, and are frankly the most 'if you don't have time or energy to reply please don't pressure yourself', so I feel no burden or obligation and that usually makes it easier to reply in my own time.

The ones that come to me via anon, I only reply to selectively, and that depends on a few factors. Some things are extremely personal and frankly I'm not comfortable replying because even if I did it would be to say 'I think a professional needs to handle this.' I've also - very rarely - had a few people do things that were not cool, to manipulate me into caretaking them, usually because they want the comfort feeling that one of my characters creates, and then from there thinks 'Pia made that character so they can give that to me instead.' This doesn't happen often, but it's very distinct when it does.

But that's rare! Super rare!

It might be that others read the comments of folks in fics and think 'I would never share those kinds of details about my life like that' and that's fine for them - but some folks do need to share, and want to feel seen because they felt seen during the fic, and I have no problems with that in general.

I have learned so so much about the human condition, about the fact that things that I thought literally no one would relate to are things that actually a lot of people relate to, etc. through the grace and vulnerability of the folks who comment on my fics with personal anecdotes or even just 'I've been through something like this, and I thought you showed it well / it's a painful thing to go through.'

I know a lot of authors wouldn't have much patience with that maybe? I don't know. I'm literally writing trauma recovery, mental illness and chronic illness, queerness and neurodivergence, and people going through tough times. I don't think an author ends up writing that stuff if they're generally not looking to make a connection with fellow folks who have also gone through some tough times! And even if I can't be those people's support systems, I think all of us having these ephemeral moments of effectively saying: 'Same bro' through the comments, is pretty powerful, and magical, actually.

Caveat: If a person brings personal problems into my fics with the expectation that I will then fix them, that's something I don't really do and don't enter into. That's where my boundaries are firm. Sometimes I won't even acknowledge those kinds of situations at all. If a person reads something for free and then seeks to obligate a complete stranger into being their support or therapist, there's a much bigger issue going on there that isn't my business, and I generally will maintain significant distance in those situations.

TL;DR - I don't think I'd write these stories if I didn't want to make connections with folks who have also gone through some hard times. The vast majority of people who bring up personal stuff aren't necessarily bringing me 'joy' - but I don't just look for joy in the comments, anon, I also look for connection, resonance, moments of feeling less alone, and sometimes that's not easy, but it's still very special. As for the very rare occasions where someone wants me to personally hold their hand, I step back, because a) that's not my job, and b) I don't think folks realise sometimes just how much proverbial hand-holding I need as well lol - I might sound like I have my shit together, but I do not.

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Working on chapter commentaries for Patreon and I am going so deep into like... Gary's character and I just love him so much as a character. But I'm doing a commentary on the chapter where Temsen first calls Gary and I just wrote:

‘Yes, well, you know how it is. I flew back in last night, and then it turned out when I charged my work phone I had all these messages and voice messages from Kent, and Anton, and Augus, and Enris, but…none from you? I hear you’ve been having quite the time, Gary.’ I like to imagine that Kent sent Temsen SO many voice messages, like:  'Dr Temsen, I think I have to quit. Call me back.' 'Dr Temsen, you'll not believe what I was asked to do today. When I signed up to Hillview it was to help omegas, not torture them. Dr Gary is out of his- Ah. /dial tone.' 'Dr Temsen, I've just realised you might not have your work phone with you. (Explains what happened). What do I do? This is wrong, isn't it?'  And then like... just... many many more exactly like this. And text messages. Things like 'what's the severance Hillview would offer if I quit?' alongside 'I don't like feeling like a rapist, I don't want to be a rapist, this is exactly what I didn't want to be when I joined here, I don't support this, I don't support this' alongside 'he was just crying, he was terrified the whole time, but his fear was so spiked from the beginning we didn't realise. I hope Dr Gary didn't realise. How could he not realise? You would have realised. I'm not cut out for this job' alongside 'I don't think that boy should be with Dr Gary' alongside 'you chose a hell of a time to go on holiday.'  And in the meantime just a laconic message from Augus like: 'Well, I certainly hope you've been finding time to enjoy the food at the very least, since I well remember that you're a bit of a gourmand. But I thought I'd advise you that there's been an attempted murder and Gary is currently living with the criminal and I think they might be sharing a bed? That sounds normal, doesn't it? Mm. I don't like soap operas as a general rule, so please come back. I think Gary needs - at the very least - some advice.' 

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Do you have a posting schedule for palmarosa?

I don't!

Usually I don't have posting schedules at all for fanfiction, because I do fanfiction purely for fun. Sometimes there's exceptions to that, but because Palmarosa is the lowest on my priority list (behind like four other stories), I can only get to it once I've actually written the writing that allows me to eat food and take my meds and pay for medical bills.

The good news is, I will be able to write at least a little more of it this month, and I do have a chapter coming later today (in about 7.5 hours), but the bad news is on slower months, how often I'll be able to post will slow down.

I've written 12 chapters this month, or 45,000 words already. And only one chapter was for Palmarosa and that's only because it needed about another 1k words before it was finished.

So yeah, no posting schedule! There's not even any consistency re: what time the chapters get posted. The best way to keep on top of when updates come on Palmarosa is to simply subscribe to the fic!

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Underline the Gold (omegaverse) - 05/? Anton/Flitmouse

Title: Underline the Gold

Pairing: Anton Valenosk (the Brave)/Alois Flitmouse

Notes: An Underline the Black side-story

Summary: Alpha Anton is assigned a new omega, Alois Flitmouse, who is Hillview Rehabilitation Facility’s very first voluntary admission and an older, independent omega who is escaping unfortunate circumstances and seeking protection, and is too jaded and tired to consider bonding with anyone. To Anton’s dismay, Flitmouse just wants a place where he can starve to death, something Hillview is determined not to let happen.

Its rating is currently Mature with some disturbing themes (mention of suicidal ideation, eating disorder, and historic domestic violence).

Underline the Gold - 05 - Apple Picking (Anton/Flitmouse) - $5+ tiers on Patreon

In which Anton takes Flitmouse out on an excursion to an apple orchard, and Flitmouse tries to convince Anton that they can't possibly be a good match, and Anton gives Flitmouse their first kiss in the relationship.

—

-Thanks to all the Patreon supporters for making this story possible!

The following early access extras are also currently available on the $5+ tiers at Patreon:

Underline the Red - 05 - Caleb/Faber Underline the Red - 06 - Caleb/Faber The Nascent Diplomat - 35 - Augus/Gwyn Constellations - 01 - Efnisien + Gwyn (post Falling Falling Stars) Underline the Blue - 05 - Nate/Janusz Underline the Blue - 06 - Nate/Janusz Underline the Blue - 07 - Nate/Janusz Underline the Blue - 08 - Nate/Janusz

Want another way to support my writing? // I have a Patreon account! // Buy a Ko-Fi!

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I forgot that posting a porn chapter always means less comments because some people they be embarrassed to be seen commenting on porn

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Fae Tales - 08/? Underline the Black - Efnisien/Dr Gary

Title: Underline the Black Rating: Explicit Pairing: Efnisien ap Wledig/Dr Gary Konowalous Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Darkfic, Disturbing themes, Omegaverse, Alpha/Omega, Medical experimentation, Medical trauma, Dominance/Submission, Dystopian universe, Forced bonding, Forced relationship, Imprisonment, Nonconsensual medical procedures, PTSD, Flashbacks, Nightmares, Chronic illness, Mating cycles/Heats, Knotting, Miscommunication, Trauma recovery, Mind control, Child Abuse, Hope, Hopeful ending.

Summary: Efnisien ap Wledig is an omega born into an all-alpha family. Abandoned by his birth mother and raised by his aunt, he is subjected to a lifetime of medical experimentation and brainwashing and believes himself to be an alpha. But the experiments begin to fail, and he is abandoned yet again to an Omega Rehabilitation Facility, where the family expects he will be retrained into the ‘perfect omega’ and placed in an arranged marriage, or be eliminated if this is no longer possible.

The Facility don’t know about the experiments, and Efnisien doesn’t even know why he’s in there in the first place, since he’s an alpha…isn’t he? One thing’s for certain, he definitely doesn’t need an alpha companion, no matter what the staff at the facility seem to think.

Underline the Black - Chapter 8 - Your Best Interests

In which Efnisien wakes up and remembers everything from the day before. Still sick, still feverish, he falls under the influence of Crielle's alpha directive when Dr Gary informs him that he'll be having a medical exam.

Want another way to support my writing? // I have a Patreon account! // Buy a Ko-Fi!

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Not the same anon as the one that sent the previous ask, but now I'm curious if there were any shows or movies you thought you wouldn't like but surprised you?

There's been a bunch, but the two that stand out the most are The Office: US, which has the most trash first season ever, and Mob Psycho 100.

These were both shows which I didn't like when I started watching them, and only started liking them later. In the case of The Office, it was because they knew their first season was almost completely terrible, and completely revamped the character of Michael Scott, and a few other dynamics, and made it a gentler show. For anyone who gave up on The Office in season 1, I see you. I was that person for years.

And Mob Psycho 100 I really struggled with the ugliness/aesthetic of the show, along with the fact that the first few episodes feel like meaningless filler, and I thought that was going to be what the whole show was like. If it wasn't for the fact that like, a really close friend told me to stick it out to episode 5, I would have shot it off a catapult into the moon. Really glad I stuck it out though, it's one of my favourite shows. But I still think the first 2 eps of every season are meaningless filler that I mostly ignore, lol.

In terms of shows I thought I wouldn't like before I started watching them, but ended up liking them... *thinks* This one's harder to answer because there are genres I totally skip because I know I won't like them (horror, supernatural thriller, high gore (the reason I stopped watching Daredevil and quite a few other shows) and some kinds of drama), and then for everything else, I'm generally very open minded for that first episode. I'm not going to give a horror a try, I know I won't like it, because I have severe C-PTSD, and I'm not going to sit down and trigger myself on purpose. Ditto with high gore and so on.

Also, Glen (the guy I live with) and I are both graduates from Media and Communications at university, I targeted Media Studies and Mass Comm (and Scriptwriting) and he targeted Film and Journalism. As a result, we're both generally extremely open-minded about shows that fit us broadly in terms of genre, but also very quick to know what genres won't suit us at all. For example, I'm not likely to be open minded about westerns, I've never liked a single one. So I'm not going out of my way to torment myself on the off-chance there's a winner, when I have like around 500 shows and movies in my backlog to watch of stuff I want to watch.

But as a result, I can't think of something I haven't liked based on say, a trailer or a gif, and then watched and liked it. I can think of stuff I didn't like when I started watching it, and then came around though!

There's definitely film / television that surprises me in terms of its quality, especially when it's nicely unexpected (the scriptwriting in the latest season of Stranger Things was amazingly tight and well-crafted, and was kind of a master class in not being at all wasteful with a single moment while still giving the characters time to breathe, and after the last season of ST I had kind of given up lmao).

I generally don't have a policy of disliking things in advance, I just know which genres are likely to trigger my PTSD, and I want to put all westerns in the bin, lmao.

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Love to see your fav characters' list...Do you know that the mangaka of Shouwa Genroku also wrote a few BL manga series? One of them is my all time BL fav, called : My Darling Kitten Hair (Itoshi no Nekokke)....Sorry if you already know and don't like the manga.

Hi anon,

I feel kind of bad writing this but like dsalkfjdsa yeah I did know that because I kind of literally said it in the paragraph where I say he's one of my favourite characters:

Yuurakutei Yakumo (Kikuhiku) from Shouwa Genroku Rakugo Shinjuu - I just… *flails* Almost no one has seen this anime series and it kind of kills me because firstly the books were written by someone practiced in writing BL and even though this isn’t BL you can still tell the vibes are there. Secondly, one of the most ace-coded characters ever. Gender-fuckery abounds, which is fun. Thirdly just, honestly, more folks should watch this?

I'm just going to assume you were super excited because you saw the anime / character ref and didn't read the rest of the paragraph which is something I think we've all done once or twice (or a lot!)

I mostly like Rakugo/Descending Stories because of the historical research that went into it, and because the Yakumo + Sukeroku vibes remind me of two of my own characters, Augus + Ash. So I don't need it to be BL! I know I've read Itoshi no Nekkoke but I don't remember it skadfjasd (which is normal for me! I forget so much of what I read which makes re-reading a lot of fun :D )

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✍ do you have a beta reader and 💋 first kiss fics. Love em or hate em?

✍ Do you have a beta reader?

I do! Silvia ( @morbidlizard ) is my beta reader, my RP/roleplay buddy, and a damn fine artist, and also one of my closest friends, we've known each other for many years now and despite living at opposite ends of the earth (she's in Italy, I'm in Western Australia), we got to meet a few years ago, before the great panini.

Depending on how hard life is, Silvia can't always get to chapters before they're posted, and in those cases I edit along in the AO3 file instead once she's seen them. But that's only been during some truly rough years and hasn't been the case for a while! :D Together we don't always catch everything, I produce a truly huge amount of work each year for any one person to voluntarily deal with (I have offered to pay Silvia many times and she has refused every time), so sometimes typos slip by us. But any errors in my writing are always mine, and never hers.

💋 First kiss fics. Love em or hate em?

If it's a fic just about a first kiss, I think that's personally a little boring.

But I write first kisses a fair bit in longer fics that also have a lot of other things in them. I'm just not sure if they count. I've never even heard of 'first kiss fics' before. I'm usually looking for 'first fuck' fics, lmao. I'm wondering if I just auto-scroll past them if I see a T rating dsalkfjdsa

-

From the fandom meme!

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Can't wait for the next UtB update. I'm obsessed, like OBSESSED with this story lmao

I can't wait either!

Though sadly due to The Chronic Illness Woes, I don't think this chapter will be going up on Thursday after all, and will be delayed until Friday.

I am pretty sad about it, but I'm also pretty sad about being non-functional, BUT ACTUALLY I just want to put the chapter up dsalkfjdsa

Anyway, in another few days there will be a chapter, I promise!

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Fae Tales - 01/? Underline the Black - Efnisien/Dr Gary

Title: Underline the Black Rating: Explicit Pairing: Efnisien ap Wledig/Dr Gary Konowalous Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Darkfic, Disturbing themes, Omegaverse, Alpha/Omega, Medical experimentation, Medical trauma, Dominance/Submission, Dystopian universe, Forced bonding, Forced relationship, Imprisonment, Nonconsensual medical procedures, PTSD, Flashbacks, Nightmares, Chronic illness, Mating cycles/Heats, Knotting, Miscommunication, Trauma recovery, Mind control, Child Abuse, Hope, Hopeful ending.

Summary: Efnisien ap Wledig is an omega born into an all-alpha family. Abandoned by his birth mother and raised by his aunt, he is subjected to a lifetime of medical experimentation and brainwashing and believes himself to be an alpha. But the experiments begin to fail, and he is abandoned yet again to an Omega Rehabilitation Facility, where the family expects he will be retrained into the 'perfect omega' and placed in an arranged marriage, or be eliminated if this is no longer possible.

The Facility don't know about the experiments, and Efnisien doesn't even know why he's in there in the first place, since he's an alpha...isn't he? One thing's for certain, he definitely doesn't need an alpha companion, no matter what the staff at the facility seem to think.

Underline the Black - Chapter 1 - Point of Egress.

In which Efnisien wakes up in pain and injured, in an unknown facility, only to find out he's in an Omega Retraining Facility and he has no idea what he's done wrong...

Want another way to support my writing? // I have a Patreon account! // Buy a Ko-Fi!

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In honour of underline the black and all the characters popping up as alphas and omegas, i was thinking if it isnt a bother to you could you share which characters of yours you think would be betas, if any? Btw loving utb very much so far.

Hi hi!

I'm still deciding tbh? Like we know Enris is a beta. Otherwise many characters I'm sectioning off into alphas or omegas mostly because I am often not very interested in writing betas (I AM SORRY EVERYONE).

This story isn't going to have a ton of betas, and I'm thinking they will be support staff, so we also won't see them a great deal. I know Faber is a beta.

I think Mikkel would be a beta, but beyond that I write so many like overt doms and subs and tops and bottoms that it's just very easy to kind of apply stereotypical alpha or omega qualities to most of my characters instead of beta qualities. I suppose you could potentially look at some of the other kind of 'support staff characters' in other stories, but like, also no, because Ondine? Omega. Julvia? Alpha. Fenwrel? Alpha. ...I'm suddenly very on the fence about Gulvi, I think she would actually be a beta or maaaaybe an alpha or...fuck. I don't know. Eran would be an alpha.

I think it's personally just down to like, individual inclination. I really really love the vibe of alpha/alpha relationships and alpha/omega relationships, and I actually don't really go out of my way to read beta pairings of any kind unless it's an exception to the rule (sorry Thomas), so it wouldn't occur to me to categorise my characters that way, unless I knew they weren't going to be significant main or side characters?

Like it's to the point that I'm having to invent new characters to be betas in the story, like Faber (and another character coming up later in the story, Lachlan), because so few of my characters are fitting the bill mentally (also I need to save a LOT of them for like, other pairs in Hillview potentially?)

To me personally, betas often feel like the 'humans' in many omegaverse worlds, and while they don't have to be that, as the humans they become backdrop, and are not the focus of the story itself. The alternative to this is universes with zero betas, that are just alpha/omega and then humans. So yeah, I just...am someone who follows along with that trope and isn't personally interested in challenging it, which leaves me with very few characters I actually want to voluntarily put into the beta category. Everyone has different reasons they come to this trope and different subversions they want to write (if any) and betas are just not one of my reasons or my subversions (Thomas you are the exception I promise).

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Your writing got me through the last two years. Thank you so much for all your writing and imagining and work-behind-the-writing. That post about reading-as-therapy really hit. You've helped me navigate some really shit times, to reflect on myself and others and also just been really entertaining. Thank you so so so much.xxxxxxxxx

Ahh oh my goodness anon thank you!

Writing and reading can be such an amazing support tool honestly for going through stuff. Falling Falling Stars has 100% been my 'pandemic support fic' that got me through 2020 and 2021 and a good chunk of 2022 as well. It's hard to imagine what life will be like without it, knowing me, I'll write another support fic immediately after lol.

That those fics can then sort of go on to support others or offer help when times are tough is just really cool and leaves me kind of flailing because dfslafjdsak it's what I love about writing and it's what I love about fandom and just *rolls around happily* thank you anon