#i feel stupid for being hopeful
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thejilyship · 5 months ago
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I walked into work this morning after crying at a convivence store because the woman behind the counter said she liked my RBG sweatshirt and she hoped I was okay. I wasn't expecting it. I live in a very red part of Michigan and her kindness and gentleness made me cry.
I told myself when I woke up that I wasn't going to cry. I stared at my phone for twenty minutes, dread pooling in my chest because even though I let myself get hopeful yesterday, I knew what I was going to see.
I said I wasn't going to cry.
And when I got to work, one of the other preschool teachers walked into my classroom, and she didn't say anything, we just looked at each other and I started to cry. I had parents who I knew were happy with the results about to drop off their kids and I couldn't start crying, but I did.
I only have nine kids in my class, I only had to get through seven drop offs today. I only had three parents that were devastated. I cried about that too.
I had two little girls in my class today, and they got into an argument, as two years old's will do, and they both got upset and started crying. One of them laid on the floor next to me, and one of them collapsed onto my chest, and I cried with them too.
During group time today, I cried while reading a book about kindness. "What does it mean to be kind? Being kind means standing up for those who are less fortunate than you." I had to stop reading for a minute. My assistant teacher looked at me from across the room and I couldn't meet her eyes.
I stayed off social media all day, but when I caved and opened tik tok, the first video I saw was of women in other countries governments saying that they were standing with us through this hard thing and I cried again.
I think I'm gonna keep crying. At least for today and the next couple of days.
And tomorrow (which may not actually be tomorrow) I'll figure out what comes next.
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technically-human · 19 days ago
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First meeting
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baejax-the-great · 3 months ago
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If I were a writer at a big game company working on a sequel to a beloved series and the higher ups kept telling me to make the game shittier and kept sending my work back to me to be dumbed down even further somehow, and then once most of the writing was done they laid me and my coworkers off illegally without severance, I'd probably gleefully watch as people trashed the shitty game that shipped.
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lunarharp · 8 months ago
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uhh another modern au agott follow-up. They've gotten progressively sillier
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charafansmile · 1 month ago
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Something about toriel hating the monsters outside of the ruins in similar way to chara hating humanity. Not only does she isolate herself from them, but the ruins monsters are also pretty intimidated by her. if she never made that agreement with sans then im pretty sure there would have been no convincing her to let us leave. Like at all.
God even the queen toriel ending might suck for her just a bit. Imagine being put in charge of your people who betrayed you and are all willing to play niceys NOW after 6 of your kids died (in the name of 2 of them!) and they would've killed the 7th if they didn't befriend everyone! No wonder she got rid of the royal guard and told everyone to be nice and welcoming as far as she would be concerned that's what they should have been doing from the start. I imagine it's very awkward between her and undyne. I know she fires alphys in Canon, but I imagine they would have eventually started to get along and she could join the human fanclub with mettaton. But God it'd probably be so awkward. So so awkward. I really think she develops a great disdain for monster kind during her exile that she has to workout.
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I know what she says here is popularly interpreted as the 'them' being asgore/ the royal guard. But it always felt like to me she was referring to monster kind as a whole. (That and if chara has similarities to toriel, it makes sense that toriel would have similarities to them...)
Exiled queen is even WORSE for her cause now that disdain is mutual and the little kid she tried to protect killed people and a war is inevitable at that point. At least with asgore in charge she had the solace that he would be too much of a coward to go through with it. At least she has sans (and sometimes papyrus) in those endings for support but I can't imagine she in any way in a better mental place than before.
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starry-bi-sky · 1 month ago
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Hi! how are you doing I hope your having a Great day/night.
I have questions on the blood blossom au?
I was wondering what mobility aids Danny uses, how does the stages for the blood blossom poisoning work and what he wears and do as nightingale.
Sorry if they're too many questions I was curious. Also your so Cool
oh you're totally fine! i love getting questions. as for danny's mobility aids, i was thinking that he has like, three main mobility aids he uses. He has a cane, arm crutches, and a wheelchair, and he swaps between them depending on his mobility and pain. OH he also wears compression gloves and socks.
as for the blood blossom stages, i'll keep it pretty loose and nebulous since making the stages too detailed will just make it harder for me to write it lmao, gotta give myself that creative wiggle room. But there's probably like, three... four? main stages?
The first one being when it's in its neutralized, semi-dormant state after receiving an (upgraded) antidote. In that stage, Danny's chronic pain is at its most manageable. He starts regaining muscle mass, an appetite, he has more energy. His immune system is pretty shot because its busy fighting off the blood blossom, but he's still essentially at his healthiest.
Stage two of the blood blossom poisoning is when the 'antidote'/'neutralizer'/idk medicine because calling it an antidote isnt super accurate, starts breaking down and loosing its efficacy. At first it feels like just a bad pain day from stage one, but over time it starts becoming more insistent and the pain is in places it normally wouldn't, or the sensation is different. Danny's health starts taking a dip and he begins losing muscle mass. He starts feeling congested the same way you do when you just get out of a bad cold: where you're technically fine, but you're still getting coughing fits.
Stage three is when he starts actively.... bleeding. The pain has upped the ante and has now spread through his entire body, he's having frequent, wet, coughing fits. He's nauseous, has a pounding headache that's quickly becoming a migraine, and shaking with effort to stay standing. This is where his nose starts bleeding and his coughing takes on a red color. He's getting pale, having heat flashes, and overall looks like a kid who was poisoned with a cannibalistic blood toxin.
Stage four is the last stage, and throughout it Danny is officially delirious from both blood loss and pain. He's extremely nauseous, having trouble comprehending what's around him, and is now spitting up blood. He's in so much pain that he's alternating between feeling numb to it and then NOT feeling numb to it, and overall is having trouble moving his body. At stage four he's in a high-risk emotional state, which is bad because he's at risk of waking up his dormant ghost core, and then it's an immediate game over for him.
Danny was at the beginning of stage 4 when he found Bruce. Lucky him!
As for Nightingale! I know I said in the original post reblogs that he'd be running around with Bruce, but that was more of a conversational, 'talking about an au for fun' thing rather than something I'd use in a fic. So I can't see him running around with Bruce as Nightingale in the slightest, not only because of the blood blossom stuff, but also because its just not in line with how I'm writing Danny in LATN.***
In fic, Danny's going to be taking on a more backseat/support role as Nightingale, rather than a field vigilante like Batman or Robin. He's more of an eyes-in-the-sky type kinda like how Barb is, who only goes out in the city if he feels the need to deliver something to Bruce directly, or if he thinks Bruce needs backup. He's "the emergency backup" as I like to call it, and if he does go out, he typically sticks to ranged fighting and sabotage.
He also likes to help make gadgets for Bruce to use, and helps with cases when he can. His input becomes helpful when Gotham's gimmick villains start popping up, as he has experience with this type of crazed clownery, while Bruce does not.
As for what he wears! The first time he goes out as Nightingale was not intentional, it was a spur of the moment thing. So Nightingale's first 'suit' is just a thrown together disguise that includes:
1. the comically large hoodie Danny stole from Bruce because it fucken COLD in the cave and his circulation is shit.
2. his compression gloves
3. a light, blue-ish gray scarf that was conveniently lying around because again, it fucken COLD. This is because Danny doesn't have a mask and needs something to hide his face with. 4. the black face paint stuff bruce keeps lying around that he smears over the upper half of his face like a makeshift mask. Once it becomes evident that this is going to be a 'thing', bruce gets a proper suit made for him. I have a concept drawing made way back in the reblogs of the original post, but im just going to link you to fanart that made friend Crow made because its much better quality. Danny wears the suit while he's in the cave just in case he needs to go out and help Bruce, as well as that same hoodie.
***TL;DW: while Danny doesn't regret saving people in Amity and he'd do it again, he hated ghost fighting and wanted nothing more than to be normal. He felt that he was the only person who could fight back against the ghosts, and as a result he was left horrifically traumatized, without a proper support system, and cut off from most everybody else because he didn't know how to balance his hero life and his civilian life.
He wouldn't return to frontline hero work even if he could, not unless he felt his particular skillset needed him to.
Overall, for Danny, Phantom isn't the name of a hero, its just the name of a dead kid. And the dead deserve to rest in peace.
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teddybeartoji · 2 months ago
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i think i've gotten softer over the last few months and idk in a way i think i'm a bit embarrassed over it lmao well it's not that i've GOTTEN softer i've just been thinking more about what i'm actually into and what i am not into.......
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brown-little-robin · 4 months ago
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it's not good for the job search to have a fundamental, bone-deep certainty that the world will always punish an honest attempt >:|
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wikiangela · 1 year ago
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tease tidbit tuesday
tagged by @disasterbuckdiaz @tizniz @jesuisici33 💖
more of the cheating fic bc I'm loving the scene with Hen and Buck is being sooo messy and sooo oblivious and I'm having so much fun lmao - also, I gave myself a deadline for posting the first chapter whether I finish the whole fic by then or not (I hope I do lol 🤞) so this is gonna be my main focus for now haha (unless inspiration takes me somewhere else)
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“Do you love Eddie?”
“Of course I love Eddie.” Buck huffs. It’s the most obvious thing in the world. Eddie and Christopher are his world. The only thing is… “I’m just not sure if I’m in love with him.” 
“Then why the hell did you cheat?” she asks, exasperated, and so done with Buck. If Buck was her, he’d just kick himself out, to be honest. “You and Eddie clearly have something, and you felt enough for him to cheat on your girlfriend. Don’t kid yourself that you can just go on after this like nothing happened, with either of them. The best thing you can do now is to come clean to Taylor, and probably break up.” 
“Well, you cheated too, and you and Karen figured it out.” he blurts out, and immediately regrets it when Hen’s eyes darken dangerously. Okay, this is when he’d kick himself out. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”
“No offense,” Hen says slowly, quietly, through clenched teeth, tone icy, and it’s almost worse than if she’d yell at him, “but you and Taylor are nowhere near me and Karen. You don’t even love her, and clearly you don’t regret cheating that much, since you did it twice. It’s an entirely different situation, so do not bring me and my wife into this.” 
“I know, sorry, that was out of line.” Buck says quietly, feeling small under Hen’s gaze.
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no pressure tags: @elvensorceress @gaydiaz @thebravebitch @silentxxsoul @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @transbuck @911onabc @housewifebuck @watchyourbuck @eowon @loserdiaz @evanbegins @ladydorian05 @wildlife4life @diazpatcher @lover-of-mine @monsterrae1 @thewolvesof1998 @puppyboybuckley @weewootruck @loveyouanyway @spagheddiediaz @rainbow-nerdss @epicbuddieficrecs @pirrusstuff @spotsandsocks @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @hoodie-buck @nmcggg @rogerzsteven @hippolotamus @steadfastsaturnsrings @giddyupbuck @dangerpronebuddie @sunshinediaz @honestlydarkprincess @underwater-ninja-13 @exhuastedpigeon @diazsdimples @fortheloveofbuddie @theotherbuckley @911-on-abc @daffi-990
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iamthemaestro · 1 month ago
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gender rant in tags
#there is a part of me that desperately wants to identify as a man but i just can't#because i hate being associated what that means for people#like yes obviously being big and masculine and putting on muscle and weight is affirming to a lot of people#and that's fine#but i really do not know how to explain how much i do not resonate with that#and how much i equally don't resonate with femininity#i have spent years debating whether i want to medically transition#i know about all the literal physical stuff i just don't know if i want to bite the bullet and do it#and i go on tumblr hoping to find some kind of inspiration some kind of motivation literally anything to encourage me to do it#but literally every post about being transmasc is about being strong and hairy and typically masculine#which. again. is fine. but i literally never feel like my gender is one that even exists#so then i convince myself that it's best not to even try#when i still don't even know if i've decided that's true or not#i dont know#i don't even know where i'm going with this i just feel like i will never ever be seen in my life#and even if i make the jump to medically transition it will mean i may lose a lot of people close to me#so it's not ebven like it's just a gender question it's like well. do you want to feel Vaguely Dissatisfied but not in agony and keep the#things and the people that are closest to you#or do you want to try this thing that you may not even like and risk losing everything#i just wish i fucking knew#i would know if i thought i could be the person i wanted to be on T#but honestly i'm not convinced that i will ever be that person#i see trans people being happy and it just makes me fucking sad#and i fucking hate that#if you’ve read this far I’ll admit to you this was because I started crying looking at the tumblr forcemasc tag. because I’m normal#anyway. goes back to reading my stupid naval uniform book#mine#delete later
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fox-guardian · 2 months ago
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what is your opinion on people censoring jimmy’s name? i don’t like it personally because it erases blame. in real life the main goal is for people to know the names of r@pists so they can be aware and the victims always want people to know who hurt them so someone can take the blame for actions. i feel that when people censor jimmy’s name, it erases any blame for his actions. “i hate japist so much for what he did to anya!” okay but what’s his name? who hurt anya? who is to blame for his actions? by censoring his name, it takes the blame off of jimmy.
I get that perspective, but idk if it erases blame in this context? We all know who it's supposed to refer to (especially since all the nicknames start with j, so you can't confuse it with another character). It hits different for a Character in a Story like this vs an actual person who Could do harm to real people. I think that's a fair enough take to have tho, I can see why that'd bother you.
Regardless, that's not to say I don't Also find it a little annoying for my own reasons. Especially when people do it in serious conversations or pick especially tasteless names to call him. Like using a play on actual predators names. Who Have hurt real people. Like it's such a funny joke.
My biggest beef with it is that it often feels. Performative? I guess? Like "HEY LOOK HOW MUCH I HATE JIMMY I won't even say his NAME" yknow? It Feels sometimes like some (not all) people who do this don't want to engage with him as a character, which is not good because we Should be engaging with him. Talking about him and what he did, how it's not dissimilar to things in real life. The greatest horror of mouthwashing is that Jimmys do exist and if we refuse to look at even a fictional version of that type of guy, it'll be easier to miss it when people like him do harm irl.
Again, I don't think everyone who does the nicknames/censoring thing are like this or whatever, but sometimes it does just. Rub me the wrong way. Gets old.
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brionysea · 4 months ago
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if stranger things 5 comes out and they're like 'omg! the upside down has been a product of someone's dark and twisted mind this whole time! it's... WILL!' I'll immediately lose interest
#manifestation theory#I really hope not#like I don't. hate will. he's fine. but he's so easily likable that it doesn't feel rewarding to like him?#mike wheeler's been a menace this whole time so I had to put in work to figure him out#and they literally said 'getting to mike is the key' which would make sense if by understanding mike you understand everything#in the show where no one knows what's going on and also no one knows what mike wheeler is thinking ever. unrelated ofc#he isn't important look away. don't look at him#like why would they! make him the bad guy! if they're not going to MAKE HIM THE BAD GUY!!!!!#I'd say it makes too much sense not to do it but I'm always saying that and then these stupid shows do stupid things anyway#because. listen. if one of them is the heart and one of them has to die for the upside down to be permanently defeated#and that person is will#there's no conflict there. everyone loves will. because he's designed to be likable and for you to want him alive#but MIKE? mike's flawed. he's frustrating. he's a bad friend and a worse boyfriend. he's very obnoxiously a teenage boy#if it's mike the audience would need to be reminded that this is a Child‚ and no matter how much you personally dislike them#wanting children to die because you think they're useless and annoying and etc. IS NOT NORMAL#THAT'S NOT NORMAL! ESPECIALLY WHEN MIKE ALREADY THINKS THAT ABOUT HIMSELF!#mike being the heart gives the 'maybe we should just kill him' side of the trolley problem weight#think about it. really think about it. if they decide that mike has to die to keep everyone safe‚ what's going to happen?#the adults won't agree. hopper won't do it. he talked about killing mike before but he won't ACTUALLY let any of these kids die#maybe mike jumps off a cliff again but he needed the pressure of dustin's immediate safety and a countdown to make himself do it last time#what I think is more likely? nancy. she has guns in her bedroom (there's a 6 year old in the house I know where I keep my guns; her SISTER)#she hates the upside down for taking barb and making her feel like this; she wants to finish what they started - she wants to kill it.#if mike has to die‚ then nancy has to kill her own brother. because he can't do it himself and his big sister can do anything#does that sound right to you? this being the first time they agree and connect and are on the same page? is any of this right?
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shannonsketches · 1 year ago
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he's so important to me
#i guess i need to watch the anime but super's manga has just been a self-indulgent fever dream for me from start to finish#100000/10 absolutely perfect so validating so extremely catered to my tastes and headcanons and analyses and humor#so fucking funny and emotional and intense and goofy and beautifully drawn#my beautiful son getting to finally fucking see his HARD won character growth fucking shine and choose love and choose to be loved!!!!!!#Goku just being Goku Vegeta being Team Dad Piccolo being Team Grandpa Bulma being a fucking superstar keeping everybody organized and fed#god i love this squad i love this series i love these dumbasses and their struggles and their triumphs and their stupid childish bonding#I love that Toriyama just spent the last several years reminding the class that DB as a whole has always been an ACTION-COMEDY about LOVE#and I'm SO sad that the z anime really never did it justice in that sense because of having to fill time with dramatic tension but god. GOD#THE MANGA HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO CLEAR ON THAT THESIS.#Just all about Restorative Justice and Community and CARING even when you wish SO MUCH that you didn't care but yoU DO GODDAMMIT!!!#SUCH a great series I'm so sad it took losing mr t for me to finally read it but my god I needed to read it now and I'm so glad he wrote it#and i'm SO glad he wrote it Exactly Like This#once again rip to a legend i'm caught up and crying it's so perfect it's SO everything I've wanted to see onscreen and embedded in canon#and canon isn't everything but it still feels gREAT to be SO 1:1 on the same page with an author re: how you interpret your blorbo yknow???#been rotating this man in my head for 25 years and Mr Toriyama just mWAH kissed me on the forehead about it#anyway enough tag rambles I'm off again aklsjla#bonus for that kenpachi shit and letting him say 'sorry dude I can't be cold and numb anymore but this is still cathartic as fuck lol' like#mr t i hope you see the HIGHEST tier of heaven for that (and obviously for like everything all of it the whole life you led)#dbtag
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unordinary-diary · 5 months ago
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Ensemble and Intelligence
Everyone in the main cast is really smart, actually. Every last one of them. But it doesn’t feel repetitive or unrealistic because they’re all smart in different ways.
Seraphina: is probably the most obviously smart. She’s capable of perfect grades, she’s a skilled liar, good at reading people and puzzling information together, and she’s really really clever. The moment that sticks out to me most is when she used clever wording to trick Nadia, the lie detector, during her interrogation in chapter 28, without hesitation or breaking a sweat. I’d argue that she’s actually the smartest character in the cast.
Blyke: is mostly academically smart. He gets good grades in school and finds the work to be easy. Beyond that, he’s also good at reading people. He’s not as good as Seraphina is, but he’s able to read his two best friends like a book, and he has a much higher emotional intelligence than I initially gave him credit for. He also uses his ability very creatively, even before his power up. A moment that sticks out to me is when Remi was secretly going after EMBER, and Blyke was able to read her and piece together what was going on, meanwhile Isen had no idea anything was wrong.
Isen: is not a high achiever in school, but he excels in writing. He is proficient at gathering, piecing together, and expressing information. He’s also the only character except maybe Seraphina who consistently makes the smart decisions (as opposed to the reckless, emotional, hasty or ill informed/advised ones). Most characters make at least some stupid decisions and mistakes, but Isen is pretty much always focused on logic and foresight. Notable moments include: being able to track down John’s records, tracking down Claire, choosing not to publish the article on fake Jokers because he knew it would exacerbate the problem, tracking EMBER’s movements and basically anything he does on his computer.
John: initially seems like a total birdbrain. He acts like a dumbass, and he gets fairly bad grades. However, it’s clear from the beginning that he’s a good strategist. He thinks on his feet well, he’s good at sizing people up, and when he chooses to, he uses his ability with incredible creativity and tact. His intelligence is largely fighting centered. However, much later in the story, after John’s suspension, we see another side of him. It doesn’t show up much when he’s acting like silly old hair gel John, and definitely not much when he’s too buried in his anger to think straight, but John is really clever. This side of John is a lot like Seraphina’s smarts— he’s good at reading people, and he’s good at putting pieces together and thinking critically. Things that come to mind are when he read Arlo like a book, (something along the lines of “But you do need help. You wouldn’t have lost your cool if you had things under control.) and when he immediately sniffed out Sera’s lies (She said she was talking to Arlo about “Safe House stuff”, and John identifies that as a lie because if it were true she would have kept Remi in the room instead of asking for a private conversation with Arlo).
Arlo: is very cunning. He’s constantly scheming and thinking five steps ahead. He makes many misguided decisions due to his naïveté and misplaced trust, but he’s also very often the voice of reason. He’s a great leader and an even better manipulator. He’s always thinking analytically and connecting dots. An example is the fact that Arlo is the only person who suspected that John was actually a high tier, and looked deeper for more info. He also provided valuable insight in the Spectre investigation, and, like Isen, often encourages others on the side of caution (advising Seraphina not to meet with Spectre, involving John with the Spectre issue, telling Remi not to go after EMBER, etc.) Now, Arlo actually does give off the impression of being stupid at times, which is something I’d like to look at. He has many areas where he acts purely on his emotions and against common wisdom, but that is something that every person does. I think the reason why Arlo’s emotion-based decisions come off as stupidity moreso than other characters is because of the image he upholds: Arlo hides his emotions, pretends he doesn’t care about anything, and portrays himself as a person who acts on logic alone. Because of this, the emotions he acts upon aren’t always immediately obvious, or the audience doesn’t perceive them as being intense enough to make him behave the way he does. Therefore, Arlo’s mistakes (namely: targeting John because he feels abandoned and unfairly burdened, and refusing to believe the authorities are EMBER because he loves his aunt) — can be mistaken for a lack of critical thinking as opposed to a strong emotion.
Remi: is probably the least smart by conventional standards, but she sure as hell isn’t stupid. She has good critical thinking skills, she’s able to come to logical conclusions on her own, and she has good leadership. She was probably the first to put together that the authorities and EMBER are connected, and she was the one to realize that the writer of the Kovoro Mall article (Terrence) had been following them (Ch. 52). Not to mention that it was Remi who came up with the idea for the Safe House. However, the most notable facet of Remi’s smarts is her emotional intelligence. Remi is very good at navigating social situations, understanding herself and others, and she is excellent at communication. Highlights include the way she handled the situation with John (being understanding of him, hearing him out and offering to help him, but without compromising her own values), and the way she expressed to Blyke that she wasn’t mad at him but rather, scared for his safety, which was a clear, concise and honest way of explaining a very intense and complicated emotion, which is difficult to do in the heat of the moment.
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sciderman · 1 year ago
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I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain
Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it
i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)
really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!
undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.
i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.
people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.
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peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.
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it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."
so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.
people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.
autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.
#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before#and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.”#and that made sense to me i think.#but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing.#and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much.#and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed#and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology.#i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now.#and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be??#i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe.#will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore??#maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know.#i don't know what it'll mean for me.#but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way#i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think#i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed.#because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people.#peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing.#there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing.#it's a product of all of his things.#just like me! just like everyone.#so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways.#a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be.#i don't think it's something that can be simplified.#sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags.#i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual.#sci speaks
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catacini · 2 years ago
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thoughts on "writing oberon"
i don't think oberon is compelled to lie about everything intrinsically. if you ask him coffee or tea he can pick one. if you ask him what color the sky is he can tell you blue. if you ask him who won the superbowl, he's not googling it just to make sure he gets it wrong.
vocabulary for this post
vortigern: abyssal worm that destroys and loathes
faerie king: who he pretends to be
oberon: both/neither, just the fastest way to refer to the unit as a thinking being/practical reality
the nature of his lies comes from his existence as a walking contradiction. the faerie king is perfectly suited to faerie britain on the surface - he's friendly and silly and popular, and he enjoys playing pranks and entertaining people. he's never experienced any major loss like murian has, and he's as loyal to his wife as aurora is to melusine. the fairie king as presented by shakespeare doesn't have anything substantial going on between his ears. || the destroyer of faerie britain has always been disgusted by every part of it. he's keenly aware of how it was made; he's the will of britain trying to kill itself rather than limping along as this colossal parody propped up by moronic culture thieves. and just like the place itself, he's being paraded about as some kind of clown - hell, a cheater to boot. he's a walking insult to his own dignity, and he will only feel peace when it's all been blown to pieces.
this of course creates his cynicism. his experiences on the surface befriending the welsh forest faeries allowed him to feel real love for parts of this place, which heightened his disgust for all of it. surely he lamented in an irreconcilable way when barghest, the monster he created, [destroyed part of britain] and killed the friends he had made. and as his perspective becomes more disjointed in a way that can be understood, it all becomes even shakier when you add in that the faerie king is inherently unreliable, frankly just insubstantial - because any strong emotions the faerie king expresses are written to be ploys and no more, the being that is oberon-vortigern cannot voice sadness or anger, lest they be taken for the faerie king's crocodile tears. forget feeling responsible and conflicted, he can't even grieve because his strongest emotions are labelled tricks as soon as he shows them.
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beyond that, it's really important to remember that oberon is an actor. he describes "the faerie king" as a character many times (titania too!), but you and he are not side characters - he calls the two of you spectators, i.e. not actively serving as characters at all. when he is participating, he plays a role. when he is with you, even though he as a person is still tricking you, he's not going out of his way to act like a silly faerie king and entertain you. it might be easier to understand this if you think about what he was pretending to be for you: a PHH faerie fitting in as a lostworld faerie. he's undercover, and even though the guy you talk to is still a faerie king, he's here with a more serious mission that differs from his public face.
him being an actor is crucial for how he was summoned in the first place. vortigern is a writhing mass of hatred for what britain has become. it can't love britain. it can't belong in britain. things that don't belong in faerie britain, like holmes and nemo, are weakened there. if it's going to enter britain, it needs a body that won't hate britain. it will hire itself as an actor to play "the faerie king," and read its lines dutifully. this isn't something vortigern manifested before doing and decided upon, it's something that had to happen as a premise of the summoning itself, to allow vortigern to manifest at all. for the duration of oberon's existence, from summoning til nonexistence, he is there as an actor. that includes while he's being vortigern. look at vortigern's sprite: do you see where his bug feet and bug hand connect to his body? not clearly, no! hell, his legs actually black out so we can't see whether the pants cover insect legs or turn into props. they appear to be melded to his clothes, but those aren't gloves and shoes. they're connected to his body, but they're something as removable as an actor's prosthetic.
all that is to say, [vortigern] [is an actor playing] [oberon] is a statement without removable parts. all that can happen is shifting the order into [oberon] [is an actor playing] [vortigern]. and just like the faerie king's love for the welsh forest faeries was just lines read off a script by vortigern, vortigern's vitriolic disgust for those same faeries is just lines read off a script by oberon. if the "actor" part was optional, vortigern's body would be a hell of a lot more fucked up.
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i've previously likened oberon to an experience i have when i'm discussing something i dearly love with people who also love it, but i mention something i really hate about it. for me, this happens because i get nervous, but i end up panicking and trying to reassure my friends that i really do like the thing in question. so, i end up walking away feeling dissatisfied: i either didn't properly convey my unhappiness with That One Thing, or i did a disservice in expressing how much i love the overall product. when this happens, i feel i haven't done justice to myself.
i don't think oberon has self confidence issues (though obviously he does hate himself), so he's not going through it the way i am. but it's also true that when he's talking about things that really count, nothing he says can do justice to the multifaceted emotions he has about things. furthermore, the automatic devaluing of his most emphatic statements that comes from him being the faerie king is incredibly disheartening.
his options are either be noncommittal and insubstantial, or be sarcastic and dismissive. he's black and white in one, but not grey, instead a checkerboard. he's the ultimate "and" statement. to force an opinion out of him is to pin him to one side, but since the other side isn't less true, whatever he says becomes false. if you use a command spell to make him only speak the whole truth, he will fall silent.
i think that as you spend more time with him, a lot can be better conveyed without words. i think that if you make it clear you understand and believe the part of him that despises you, you can experience the equal part of him that is impressed by and maybe even grateful to you. i don't think it's impossible to understand him, and someone who understands him and still wants him is something he considers an unattainable dream.
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