#also can you guys please acknowledge the fact she was incredibly angry and on edge in canon because a war was about to start

[tea-cat-arts]

"Madam Yu would be a Karen/ treat minimum wage employees like shit-" literally the only servant she's shown abusing is Wei Wuxian (and that's because he's the victim of a proxy war between her and Jiang Fengmian around the idea of him being adopted into the family, not because of his class). Madam Yu's two handmaid's love and respect her, and Madam Yu actually defends them when Wang Lingjiao tries being a Karen to them. She also tells Wang Lingjiao to fuck off when she demands the Jiang servants bring her tea.

Also, Karens are unpleasant women, but not all unpleasant women are Karens. That term is about entitlement and being unreasonable (and often times, racist). Madam Yu is mean and unpleasant to talk to, but she keeps most of her interactions brief and probably doesn't have the time or mental energy to be a Karen or hold a grudge that long. If you want an actual example of a Karen in mdzs, Wang Lingjiao is right there

[evilmortys]

Have you ever talked about/drawn/ have head among about c-136’s rick? His relationship w/ his family and morty? Is her better than other ricks or worse? Etc!

i’ve  never  talked  about  rick  c-136  much  extensively  come  to  think  of  it!  so  i  hope  you  don’t  mind  if  i  use  this  ask  as  an  opportunity  to  ramble  about  him  and  their  dynamic  and  their  dimension  in  general  a  little.  it’s  quite  divergent  from  what’s  typical  for  a  rick  and  morty  dynamic  in  places,  i  think.

first  off  i  wanna  lead  with:  morty  c-136  is  sixteen!  so  his  summer  is  of  course  older  too,  and  is  now  living  away  from  home  and  attending  college.  he  misses  her  a  lot,  but  they  still  call  a  few  times  a  week  and  bitch  about  their  parents  and  what’s  going  on  in  their  lives  and  bully  each  other  a  lot.  she  comes  home  sometimes,  usually  for  holidays  such  as  thanksgiving  or  whatever.  they’re  overly  sappy  for  a  minute  max  upon  reuniting,  then  she’s  kicking  him  in  the  balls  and  he’s  calling  her  a  dumb  bitch.

his  mom  and  dad  are  divorced,  and  have  been  since  he  was  ten,  so  jerry  is  not  really  in  the  picture.  rick  is  very  relieved  about  this  and  hates  jerry  about  as  much  as  is  typical  for  bastard  grandpas.  morty  was  sad  about  their  messy  break  up,  but  very  quickly  came  to  understand  it  was  for  the  best.  there’s  a  security  system  rick  set  up  to  kick  jerry  to  the  curb  if  he  ever  comes  around,  much  to  morty’s  aggravation,  but  it’s  not  put  to  much  use  anyway.  (usually  he  walks  over  to  his  dad’s  sad  studio  apartment  of  his  own  volition  for  custody  weekend  instead  of  being  picked  up,  because  his  dad  sleeps  until  late  noon,  so.  not  exactly  a  dependable  ride.  if  he  goes  himself  he  can  shake  jerry  awake  at  a  reasonable  hour  and ...  try  to  shake  some  sense  into  him  too.  so  he  doesn’t  come  to  the  house  much.)

c-136′s rick has a complex relationship with his beth.  she’s  still  very  much  wrapped  up  in  his  opinion  of  her  and  works  to  please,  impress  and  ultimately  attain  his  attention  whenever  she  can.  an  easy  way  to  do  this  is  back  rick  up  when  morty  backtalks  him.  if  morty  angrily  says  “shut  the  fuck  up,  rick”  within  earshot  of  his  mother,  she’s  very  quick  to  fly  to  her  father’s  defence  as  apposed  to  her  son’s-  “morty,  don’t  speak  to  my  dad  like  that!”  rick  plays  off  this,  recognizing  an  opportunity  to  make  beth  feel  like  it’s  them  versus  morty,  and  says  “thank  you,  sweetie.”  the  two  then  delve  into  conversation  about  how  morty  is  “out  of  hand”  as  if  he’s  not  even  there,  which  understandably  infuriates  him  further.  

it  hurts  him  a  lot  that  his  mom  is  so  desperate  to  feel  like  her  and  her  dad  get  along,  and  for  him  to  acknowledge  her  existence,  that  she’ll  invalidate  his  feelings  and  bitch  about  his  behavior  with  rick  to  get  it.  he  very  much  feels  like  his  mom  values  having  a  positive  relationship  with  her  dad  over  him  as  a  result.  morty  continues  to  love  and  care  about  her  even  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  it  feels  largely  nonreciprocal  at  the  best  of  times,  but  can  come  across  quite  cold,  dismissive  and  clearly  subconsciously  angry  with  beth  when  talking  about  her  at  times  as  a  result.  don’t  get  me  wrong,  they  go  see  the  occasional  movie  together  and  morty  helps  her  out  preparing  dinner  very  often.  he  cares  deeply  about  his  mom  and  he  loves  her,  of  course  he  does,  but  he's  also  felt  incredibly  estranged  from  her  for  most  of  his  life.  if  nothing  else,  they  can  always  at  least  bond  over  an  eyeroll  at  one  of  his  dad's  latest  fuck  ups  or  stupid  statuses  on  facebook.  there’s  some  stuff  about  his  childhood  i  could  tack  in  here  that’s  relevant,  but  i’m  very  conscious  of  how  long  this  is  and  i  haven’t  even  talked  about  rick  and  morty’s  dynamic  yet ...  adjaskjdfaksf  sorry!

her  alcoholism  worries  morty  whereas  rick  seems  a  little  indifferent  to  it,  or  considers  it  not  a  big  deal.  likely  because  he  knows  it  invites  accusations  of  hypocrisy  if  he  calls  out  her  self  destruction  via  these  vices.  

in  the  past,  morty’s  tried  talking  with  her,  watering  down  and  pouring  out  her  alcohol  stashes,  and  even  pleaded  for  rick  try  and  make  her  see  reason-  to  no  avail.  (his  grandpa  ended  up  cracking  a  joke  about  what  a  fucking  buzzkill  morty  is,  they  laughed  it  off  together,  and  they  both  went  out  for,  you  guessed  it,  a  fucking  drink,  or  more  likely  ten  of  them,  directly  after  the  fact.)

right  now,  beth  c-136  has  been  seeing  a  bartender  for  eleven  months.  rick  seems  to  idly  approve  of  him-  at  the  very  least,  doesn’t  hate  him  like  he  did  jerry,  which  delights  beth.  her  father  deeming  anything  in  her  life  a  good  choice  means  everything  to  her  because  she  fights  so  hard  to  impress  him  while  also  trying  not  to  look  overtly  clingy  and  needy,  because  that  seems  to  repel  him.  also,  he’s  her  genius  father  who  doesn’t  like  anyone,  so  how  the  hell  can  his  judgement  be  wrong,  right?  him  approving  of  this  guy  has  locked  him  into  her  life  for  the  forseeable  future.  again,  this  pisses  morty  off,  because  this  bartender  guy  encourages  his  mom’s  worst  vice  of  daydrinking  with  his  job  and  lifestyle.  he  makes  her  happy,  but  he’s  the  fucking  worst,  and  it  makes  morty  want  to  tear  his  hair  out.  him  and  summer  frequently  snipe  about  the  guy  in  private.  sharing  distaste  for  their  parents’  prospective  partners  is  very  valid  bonding  they  think.

c-136  rick  and  morty's  relationship  is  emotionally  flexible  at  the  best  of  times.  some  days,  so  very  rarely,  they  get  along  just  great.

to  name  one  wholesome  headcanon  before  we  Get  Into  It.  occasionally,  rick  will  pretend  to  know  absolutely  jack  shit  about  one  of  the  plants  in  morty’s  greenhouse  just  to  let  him  go  off  about  it  and  suddenly  seem  excitably  sure  of  himself  for  about  twenty  minutes  of  nonstop  infodumping.  95%  of  the  time  he  knows  absolutely  everything  about  the  plant  he’s  asking  about,  actually,  and  on  some  level  morty  is  absolutely  aware  of  it.  the  smartest  man  in  the  universe  apparently  doesn’t  know  what  a  flaxtius  olcum  is?  right.  but ...  he  still  appreciates  the  gesture  a  lot,  and  it  cheers  him  up  after  a  shitshow  adventure.

it's  not  too  clear  what  allows  these  occasions  of  treating  one  another  with  basic  respect  and  almost  fondness  to  arise-  maybe  his  grandfather's  in  an  uncommonly  gracious  mood,  maybe  they're  playing  minecraft  or  bashing  animal  crossing  together,  maybe  they're  snickering  and  exchanging  incredulous  glances  during  some  cartoonishly  evil  alien's  monologue  of  a  plan  as  it's  dictated  to  them  in  painstaking  detail …  regardless,  those  come  around  less  and  less  often,  these  days.

rick  secretly  considers  morty  to  be  very  capable  and  alarmingly  more  competent  as  of  late,  and  he's  not  sure  whether  to  feel  almost  proud  or  work  to  scramble  to  unravel  all  this progress  lest  morty  start  pulling  away  from  him  and  revelling  in  his  own  independence.  

they're  a  kickass duo  when  adventuring, very  in  sync.  morty's  less  of  a  whiny  burden  or  wide-eyed,  unremarkable  sidekick,  and  more  of  a  borderline  asset  at  this  point.  which  again,  makes  rick  feel  very  conflicted  over  how  that  skews  their  dynamic  in  a  way  that's  less  favorable  for  him,  because  morty  doesn't  need  to  lean  on  him  as  heavily  or  stick  as  close  anymore.  but  at  the  same  time,  there’s  less  inherent  risk  of  him  dying  while  they  adventure,  because  he  handles  himself  so  well.  they  can  split  up  as  needed  to  get  shit  done  faster.  morty  frequently  solo  adventures,  or  as  he  calls  it,  “runs  rick’s  goddamn  errands,  actually.”  he’s  outgrown  the  concept  of  getting  to  choose  an  adventure  and  instead  claims  the  portal  gun  every  twelve  adventures  they  have  together,  and  goes  off  for  one  of  his  own.

morty  speaks  his  mind  very  bluntly  with  rick  and  isn't  really  afraid  to  tell  him  to  get  fucked  when  he's  being  an  unreasonable  dick.  he  resents  rick  immensely  for  putting  him  down  and  pushing  him  around  all  the  time.

morty's  more  assertive,  yet  still  very  much  resigned  to  their  irrefutably  imbalanced  companionship ;  there  are  countless  factors  as  to  why.  but  primarily,  it  tends  to  boil  down  to  feeling  like  he  owes  a  lot  to  rick.  were  it  not  for  his  presence  in  his  life,  morty  knows  deep  down  that  he  wouldn't  be  half  as  interesting  or  even  marginally  as  intelligent  as  he's  capable  of  being  now.  he’d  still  be  stupid,  and  mediocre,  and  uninteresting.  unremarkable.  unworthy  of  anyone’s  attention  or  time  because  of  how  dull  he  is.

he's  at  a  point  where  (to  an  extent)  he  feels  distant  from  his  life  on  earth  at  the  best  of  times,  because  space  and  the  infinite  multiverse  has  encompassed  his  daily  life  for  so  long  and  on  some  level,  he  handles  himself  far  better  fighting  for  his  life  on  the  edge  of  the  universe  than  trapped  in  a  school  full  of  sweaty  teenagers  and  material  he  either  blitzes  through  or  can  barely  grasp.  plus,  rick  was  the  closest  thing  he  ever  had  to  a  friend  while  he  was  growing  up.  morty  cares  about  rick,  even  if  the  older  constantly  cites  reasons  as  to  why  attachment  is  moronic  and  sentiment  is  stupid,  and  he's  aware  that  rick  has  come  to  care  for  him  too-  even  if  all  his  pointed  jabs  about  not  giving  a  shit  and  aloof  front  makes  it  hard  to  believe  that  all  the  time.

the  issue  is,  once  morty  seems  to  waver  in  feeling  that  he  has  to  constantly  acquiesce  to  rick  and  falters  in  tolerating  rick  as  an  result  of  this  obligated  feeling  of  familial  love,  no  matter  how  slightly,  rick  then  begins  to  exert  control  over  their  relationship  by  other  means,  such  as  emotionally  manipulating,  gaslighting  and  outright  blackmailing  him  to  keep  him  in  line  with  what  he  wants  out  of  their  dynamic:  rick  and  morty,  a  hundred  years,  the  only  two  people  in  the  infinite  multiverse  that  truly  matter-  theretofore,  they  should  both  solely  consider  one  another  as  important,  and  worthwhile.  he's  willing  to  tarnish  any  other  connections  morty  might  form  beyond  their  duo  for  fear  of  losing  him.

he  grows  out  of  this  irrational  attachment  a  little  more  each  time  his  grandfather  lets  him  down,  disillusions  him  ever  further,  hurts  him  or  traumatizes  him  or  actively  fucking  experiments  on  him-  slowly  but  surely.  he'll  snap,  in  some  sense,  sometime.  when  exactly  can't  be  known.  what  precise  actions  he  might  take  to  pry  himself  free  of  their  codependent  dynamic  is  unclear.  but  the  way  things  are  headed,  the  two  of  them  splintering  apart  is  inevitable,  and  it's  unlikely  to  be  an  amicable  thing  at  all.  rick  often  actively  renounces  and  appears  repulsed  by  the  very  concept  of  familial  love  and  basic  attachment,  constantly  rants  and  raves  in  his  drunken  stupors  about  how  replaceable  everyone  in  his  life  is,  and  it's  hard  for  morty  to  bite  his  tongue  when  he's  behaving  like  that.

he  just  hates  that  he  feels  badly  about  himself  and  second  guesses  himself  around  rick.  strangely  enough,  when  he’s  having  to  push  through  crazy  shit  alone,  he  does  fine.  great,  even.  sure,  he’s  freaking  out,  making  everything  up  as  he  goes  along,  and  secretly  wishing  rick  was  around  to  guide  him  out  of  the  chaos  because  he  knows  in  his  heart  rick  would  probably  do  it  smarter.  but  once  he’s  with  rick,  he  feels  incapable  and  stupid  beside  him.  like,  being  apart  from  him  makes  him  feel  so  much  lighter,  allows  him  to  lean  on  the  intelligence  he  very  much  does  possess,  without  being  berated,  second  guessing  it,  and  reminded  it’ll  never  match  up  to  rick’s,  so  there’s  really  no  point  in  even  trying.

[lunnamars]

Spiral

First of all: As I simply fell in love with this couple again recently, I decided that I could contribute a little despite my zero writing experience. So I hope you guys forgive me for any mistakes, especially because english is not my first language! ;)

Second of all: this whole story happens after Punk Hazard, but it is not related to any canon arc.

Disclaimer: obviously, I don't own anything on One Piece because if it was, Luffy and Nami would be together, just like Zoro and Tashigi. So, there it is.

You can also read on AO3 or FFNET

“I admire you, Roronoa.”

Zoro would be lying if he said he wasn't surprised. Tashigi, the extremely prideful Marine, saying such words to the pirate she supposedly hated so much. Ah, but he was very much surprised indeed. But Zoro was better than that. He would show none of his surprise neither would acknowledge the very strange feeling that bloomed in his chest.

Oh, no. He would do no such thing. Because not thinking about anything remotely related to her it's what he's been trying to do since she joined momentarily the Strawhats. Nope, another lie. Since Punk Hazard probably.

Or since Loguetown.

And he would be lying once again if he said he had succeeded. 

But no matter, nobody has to know. Especially the copycat.

Then he just merely glanced at her. The swordswoman simply stared straight ahead, speaking as if alone, whispering words in the wind. The weather was very pleasant and the horizon even more beautiful than usual due to the approaching sunset, creating an amazing scenario. They both sat at the deck after a hard workout day (because he said they could push a bit more since the weather was nice), in a welcoming silence, watching the view and the crew playing with Luffy.

“Gotta admit that I never expected to hear those kind of words from you, Glasses.”

“I know. But it's the truth for a while.”

She continued to watch Nami shaking Luffy for jumping over her while the girl read. Zoro couldn't quite put his finger on how that relationship worked. But, once again, what the hell does he know about that kind of thing. Love is not exactly what he was looking for - at least, not until he achieves his life goal.

“You saved me in Punk Hazard and accepted to train me, but I never got the chance to properly thank you. So I thought it'd be nice by telling you some truth.”

“It's not like I asked that, stupid.”

“I just thought I should tell you, you jerk.”

“Haaa?? Who are you calling jerk??”

Tashigi just laughed and the sound made the strange feeling show its face again, almost as if the laugh he provoked made him proud. Their relationship has been following along those lines - always bickering (and Zoro would never voice how much fun it was to annoy her), her continuous insistence on competing with him any free time she had, both staying in comfortable silence or Tashigi laughing at him for some reason. Especially because of the boy's lack of sense of direction.

Sometimes, he'd be influenced by her laugh and would, eventually, laugh at himself too.

But now, Glasses had a sad look that the swordsman refused to accept in her face. A crestfallen expression definitely didn't match her and he decided that he didn't like to have been the possible cause of it.

And with that, Zoro felt a pang in his heart. He knew he had been rude, but it seems he couldn't act properly around her most of the time. Initially, he thought the reason for that was because of her similarity with Kuina and that it never ceased to bring back sad memories, so he simply could not face Tashigi. But nowadays? He had absolutely no idea of what it could be. So he’d take turns between having these stupid outbursts or staying silent. Something tells him that he was better with his mouth shut sometimes.

However, the moment she asked him to train her, he decided to keep his mouth shut for a few minutes out of astonishment, when, in fact, he should have said something or at least thought twice before answering. Zoro remembers how she bowed politely while making her request like he was someone super important and was on a whole nother level.

I mean, they were on different levels, but that doesn't mean she couldn't get better. Honestly, Zoro actually believed she could get better indeed because she had so much focus and was so persistent - characteristics that reminded him of a version of himself as a kid, always wanting to beat Kuina.

Right off the bat, he denied her request claiming that the had no patience or interest whatsoever. He stood up and prepared to leave, but turned around to glance quickly at her before fleeing inside the ship. And he swears his heart simply stopped at the sight of Tashigi's bleak expression. Instantly, Zoro knew what she was thinking.

Surely, Tashigi took his answer as a sign that she was too weak - and not because she was a woman, which is something he was able to get the hell out of her head with so much struggle - and that even he wouldn't be able to help her become stronger. Zoro waited for the moment when she would try to bite his head off, saying how stupid and unpleasant he was, but no sound reached the swordsman's ears.

The girl just nodded and left without a word. And he didn't feel quite well.

Zoro didn't see her until the time she left for her night shift. She still didn't seem at peace which made him start to get really worried. Had he really crossed the line? The green-haired man thought he was surely getting crazy by the day with her stay on the Sunny, because he hated the fact she was his first thought in the morning and the last before bed. And suddenly, he realized what bothered him at the moment she made her request.

He was Kuina in this situation and she was the small Zoro from years ago.

He was the one she wanted to reach, just as he wanted to reach his dear friend as a child.

Zoro sighed heavily and walked in her direction, sitting at her side and not receiving even a glance in his direction. He knew she was not angry per se - which, particularly, was something new and troublesome the fact he was able to read her little by little and that definitely didn't make him happy - because judging by her frown, he knew she was racking her brain to find a way to convince him to train her. 

The swordsman gave a crooked smile and tried to hide the good feeling of being really admired by someone, especially by Glasses.

He acted like an idiot, he knows that. It wasn't needed that much of time in her company to know how much of pride she had to swallow to make a request like that. And deciphering that made him gaze almost affectionate at her, even if against his own will.

But only when she wasn't looking.

Finally, he decided to break the silence and warn her he'd be waiting for her at the deck at 5 a.m. And she didn't dare to be late because he does not take it easy on trainings.

And cross his heart, but he has never seen such a beautiful smile in his whole life. His heart stopped on its tracks again and that was starting to piss him off. If this continues to happen every time she does something different around him (because, like, this smile could not be directed at him, it's simply not possible), he would definitely treat it with Chopper.

And at 5 a.m., there was a Tashigi waiting for him with a sword in hand and the most determined expression he has seen on anyone's face recently.

She has kept waiting for him religiously for the past three months.

At first, their relationship was a bit complicated - Zoro was very rough around the edges and Tashigi was too proud. The trainings always ended in a heated discussion between them, followed by a whole afternoon without talking to each other until a wild Luffy (being typical Luffy) somehow would making them talk civilly again at night.

But the day the green-haired man simply snapped at her without thinking and screamed at her he was trying to teach her the same way he would teach any person, whether being a man or woman, but she couldn't put her stupid pride aside because he was not underestimating her and that he truly believed she would continue being an idiot, but a stronger idiot - was the moment where their relationship change slightly, but deeply.

He knew the whole crew was staring at both of them, but Zoro couldn't focus on anything else but the annoying woman in front of him. Why the hell couldn't she understand he was capable of being friendly and thoughtful? 

Okay, fine, calling her idiot wouldn't help that much.

Tashigi merely stared at him for a couple of seconds without blinking and momentarily Zoro thought she would just brush aside everything he said and just focus on the word idiot. So, imagine his surprise when she simply bowed and apologized. When she straightened, she just unsheathed and held the sword firmly in both hands, telling him in a serious tone that she would no longer contest him, and that, please, do not give up on her.

And since that day, they never argued again during training. Out of training hours, however, they did because, you see, Tashigi was really stubborn and he was a person who got angry easily. But nothing major. Zoro started to feel that their relationship reminded him the one he has with Sanji, but somehow, he knew it was pretty different.

Zoro firmly believed it had nothing to with the fact that he thought she looks incredibly cute when pouting every time he was right about something. But at the same time, he started to consider this option, since he just wanted to beat the shit out of the ero-cook when he acted like that.

The same way he wanted to punch Sanji when he drooled over Tashigi for too long, especially when Nami or Robin didn’t give him the time of the day. The marine was too nice to shoo the pervert away and he knew it was mainly due to the fact she thought she owed the crew so much for saving her from certain execution. 

Ah, there’s that, but it’s a story for another time. The swordsman couldn’t even remember the events without his stomach churning. The memory of her in chains and with a rope around her neck still haunted his dreams. And unfortunately, every time he ended up remembering, an uncontrollable rage would take over - exactly the same fury he felt at when he saw her so defenseless. Well, at least it helped him defeat the enemy faster than ever.

Ever since, fueled by her strong sense of justice, Tashigi believed she owed them her life and would do everything in her reach to repay them.

Only she had already paid, the sword nerd. But she didn’t realize that just the fact of being sent to execution for protecting them of an unfair capture made by the Marine corrupt pigs was already payment enough.

And gradually, the pair got used to each other’s presence and Zoro judged that a sort of friendship has been formed. Or a truce. But he doesn’t know and also didn’t want to know. If possible, he wanted to stay far away from her and forget that somehow she really seemed to belong to the Strawhats. 

With him.

Probably it was because of that approximation that Tashigi was able to say she admired him. He also knew that she must have struggled a lot to swallow her pride once again, but she was too sincere to keep that information to herself. And kind! Zoro couldn’t understand where that much kindness came from honestly. After she slowly overcame her inherent revulsion that came with the word “pirate”, the swordsman saw a very different side of the marine.

Kind. Kind with the crew, kind to the people they met on their adventures, stupidly kind with Chopper, because let’s be honest, it’s too freaking hard to not like the reindeer.

Kind to him.

After so much time getting frustrating expressions and angry scowls from her, the kindness made him not knowing what to do. Angry Tashigi? Sure, Zoro knew how to deal with that. Tashigi being stubborn because they disagreed? No problem, piece of cake. Tashigi babbling about different swords they find when visiting some new island? Completely cool, he even liked to hear what she had to say.

But Tashigi being nice to him? What now, how to go from there? Does he try to be kind too? Does he stop with the obvious attitude of dancing around each other, always far away but so close? Or does he just realize that her eyes are so pretty in the sunset, even with the glasses and her lips seemed so soft on her pale skin- 

“Nee, Roronoa.”

Perfect timing to drag him out of the spiral of thoughts he was getting into. A very dangerous spiral that, if acknowledged, there would be no turning back.

“Hm?”

“You want to become the greatest swordsman in the world because of that friend of yours that looks like me, right?”

Her voice turned so soft and that took him out of the dangerous spiral he was almost setting one foot in and led him to Kuina.

And then back to Tashigi. They were not the same, he knew. The physical resemblance eventually faded over the years, even though Zoro was still astonished of how could it be possible for a stranger to look like so much like his late friend. What kind of cruel joke the fate was playing?

But then again, they were not the same. Not emotionally. Kuina really struggled with her swordsman identity because she was a woman. Tashigi was proud of being a swordsman and a woman, despite her thinking that everyone would always look down on her.

Zoro made a mental note to ask her about this trauma. Where it came from, why she can’t get over it, who did this to her. And if it was someone, he’d like very much to know if he was alive so he could beat this person to a pulp.

But with that, he has just set a foot in the spiral. And oh boy, how scared he was. If not for the years of mastering his composure, he’d have jumped out of spite when he realized she had turned around to stare at him, probably waiting for an answer.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to intrude on your personal affairs.”

Tashigi gave an apologetic nod and turned the attention to the gentle waves in the sea. Zoro continued to stare at her and noticed how extremely welcoming that scene was. For unknown reasons, the swordsman felt at peace, the same way he felt when meditating.

“Yeah, that’s right. I promised her before she died. That’s because of her that I carry Wado Ichimonji too.”

The marine turned toward him so quickly as if she had sensed some danger and her eyes widened. She probably didn’t expect him to answer. Zoro is aware that he’s a closed person and the biggest example of that is the fact that no one on the crew knows his true story.

“This is… very noble of you, Roronoa. I’m completely sure you will make it. And I think your friend believed in you too.”

And there it was again - the most beautiful smile he has ever seen was, once again, directed at him. That made him feel somewhat… special. And he realized he wanted to be someone special to her. He wanted that smile to be his and no one else’s. Did she smile like that to another man? Was this just an ordinary smile she offered to any kind person like her?

Did she think about him when they are not together?

So, without looking back, Zoro put both feet inside the spiral and went down. He was not good with words, but a little better with actions and she was so close so close and she reached her hand to rest on top of his, squeezing lightly to assure the words that just fell out of her mouth and now the smile faded slightly and she was looking at him with so so bright eyes and Brook was playing a soft and slow song somewhere on top of the Sunny-

That was a lot going on for him, so he decided that screw it and hugged her. But it wasn’t a light hug, it was strong like he really needed that. It was a hug that screamed thank you thank you thank you. He didn’t even know what the hell he was thanking for because all of the Strawhats already believed in him and his dream. He didn’t need the faith of no else. Is it the fact of the resemblance again and that made him think it was Kuina’s ghost uttering those words? 

No. It wasn’t. While holding her, he was sure that Tashigi’s belief mattered because she was just and true. And that meant it was a faith completely free of second thoughts or hidden meanings. It was real. It was sincere. Despite their differences - the whole issue of pirates and marines - she believed he was worthy of the title he would eventually achieve.

He realized that deep down she didn’t admire him for what he would be in the future. She admired him because he is also an example of perseverance. And something tells him that even if he did not become the greatest swordsman in the world, she would still want to reach him. And surpass him someday.

Zoro noted that he wouldn’t mind if it was her.

She was deserving of the title too.

Then he continued to hold her with his arms firmly on her back, being careful not to hurt her and completely enveloped her, pressing her against his chest so she could stay closer closer closer. 

Has anyone already hugged her like this? Has any man gotten so close to her to the point of being able to feel the heat emanating from her? Zoro thinks so. Because it was not possible for a woman this honest to not have found a man as just as her. But reluctantly, he was surprised when he thought he didn't want her to find anyone.

Meeting someone means she would have to leave and he didn’t want her to go away, especially in another man’s arms. He got used to her presence during practice and even during the meditation. This was nice. It didn’t have to change.

So engrossed in his own reflection that he almost missed the moment when Tashigi returned the hug with the same firmness. She made space to better accommodate her head on his shoulder and his heart just flipped and oh my God, he's sure she heard that because it was going to come out of his chest anytime.

And all his sanity went out the window the moment she turned her face to rest in the crook of his neck and he felt her breath. Suddenly a shock ran through Zoro's spine and breathing became very difficult. The shock gave way to a warm feeling and the swordsman needed to do something. Either shove her away or bring her closer.

Both options were equally dangerous. 

“Roronoa.”

“Zoro.” 

“Ahn?”

“You can call me Zoro.”

She took a deep breath again and his brain was beginning to form incoherent ideas. He needed to do something.

“Zoro.”

That was enough for him to give up on any insecurity. Zoro. She spoke his name in such a soft way and that awakened something inside him that he never dared to analyze. He needed to do something.

Zoro knew what he wanted to do.

“Tashigi.”

Reluctantly, he pushed her way enough to look into her eyes because he needed to know if what he was about to do was welcomed, if it was right, if she'd hate him for the rest of his life. He didn't know if they were already this close or if he had leaned in unconsciously, but they were so close to the point that their noses were almost touching.

She didn't stop staring at him at any moment, but he couldn't decide if he kept looking at her eyes or her lips. Zoro didn't know if he should blame the weather or the slow and peaceful song that came out of Brook's violin or the soft sound of the waves crashing in the ocean or if it was simply her breath so close, but he decided to throw caution to the wind.

Zoro gave Tashigi enough time to move away if she wished so.

She didn't.

Then Zoro closed the distance and kissed her. The world stopped spinning. The noise of the waves faded away, Brook's music was just a distant noise, the crew's noise seemed to be muffled, the birds flying close to the ship made no sound, the wind itself seemed to have gone silent, leaving only their breath and the noise of his own heart beating so loud that now he was sure she could hear it.

But he wanted more. Way more. Just brushing his lips over hers was not enough. Zoro needed her closer closer closer until there was nothing separating their bodies and their breath was one. Hesitantly, he licked her lip as if he was asking permission and in the blink of an eye, Tashigi gave her consent.

Right at that moment, there was nothing or anyone in the world that would stop him from kissing her like there was no tomorrow. At first, he tried to be as calm as possible, but after Tashigi bit his bottom lip, his world came crashing down. Zoro didn't have enough self-control and what he wanted most was to just kiss her senseless. Even though he was a guy with zero experience in this area, his instincts normally worked perfectly.

And it seemed right.

Even if this kiss wasn't the most correct one, he didn't care anymore. It seemed right and Tashigi made him believe it was right judging by her almost inaudible moan and the slight tug on the thin hair at the nape of his neck.

Zoro no longer had any coherent thoughts at all, and his body was completely on fire because the moan made him draw her closer (he didn't know how it was still possible), made one hand get lost in her hair and the other in her waist.

But especially made him want to move, made him conjure images in his mind of Tashigi hugging him with nothing more than a sheet covering the two of them. Tashigi underneath him, panting, moving along with him. Tashigi speaking his name over and over again-

However, all creatures need to breathe and he wouldn’t be an exception. He didn’t know how long the kiss lasted, but it seemed a pleasant eternity. And when he opened his eyes, the sight of a Tashigi with a messy hair, with swollen lips, blushing fiercely and panting like him provoked a somewhat uncontrollable pleasure for being the responsible for the state the Marine was in.

Of course, he wouldn’t voice that with the intent of making fun of her because he knew he was in the same state. It would be the pot calling the kettle black.

They kept staring at each other for several seconds, immersed in that little feeling of bliss where nothing mattered - not even Usopp, Chopper and Brook spying on them through the opening in the railing. Zoro knew he would have to endure Sanji’s jokes, Nami’s mocking smile, Franky’s “manly” tears… Luffy would be probably the only one that wouldn’t bug him about it.

I mean, that’s what he hoped anyway because since the boy decided that Nami was the person he wanted to be with, the rubber man definitely didn't think twice about making up for the lost time. Zoro has lost count of how many times he has caught them making out in several places in the Thousand Sunny. At first, Zoro wanted to punch the couple for being publicly indecent, but after this kiss, he could definitely understand.

Tashigi was the first to break the eye contact and once again, that downcast expression was present. What the hell was that now? What the hell did he do wrong? Didn’t she like it? Maybe she already had someone else she liked and couldn’t imagine kissing him?

“I really thought you couldn’t stand me. I mean, at best you put up with me because of the resemblance to your friend.”

“Is that why you are sad?”

Tashigi quickly turned her attention to him and Zoro decided, once and for all, that he liked when her focus was on completely on him. The same way when they train, where she would absorb all of his teachings without blinking. Even when they argued, the marine would always listen attentively before getting angry about something she didn’t agree with. 

“Did you like your friend? I mean, like a girl?”

“Haa? Why are you asking me that?”

“Is that why you kissed me, Zoro?”

Then his eyes widened and he finally got it. He finally understood why she would glance away every time he would seem a little bit indifferent or when she would talk about something and he’d simply nod, not saying a word. Or why she would get so annoyed at the thought of him thinking of her as weak, even after joining the crew. Or even when he ran at full speed to save her from imminent death when she was captured.

Tashigi thought that she would always be a copy of Kuina to him.

And that at the same time, she wasn’t Kuina enough for him to consider her a friend at least. Let alone fall in love with her.

The thing was that Tashigi honestly didn’t know that Zoro wasn’t being indifferent or didn’t want to talk to her, he just didn’t know how to have a conversation with her without being a complete buffoon. She didn’t know he didn’t think of her as a weakling, but as an formidable opponent.

She didn't know he ran like a maniac to save her not because he "couldn't lose her again" - which particularly stung a little the moment the words left her mouth because he got the hidden message that he couldn't see someone that looks so much like Kuina die again and in front of him - but because he had never been so terrified at the thought of Tashigi no longer being in the world to torment him.

She didn’t know he no longer found her a copycat and that slowly they became companions despite their differences.

She didn’t know that only now he realized he was in love with her indeed.

“It’s okay. I get it. It was a mistake, right? It’s fine.”

Tashigi gave a small strained smile that if she had crossed him with a spear it wouldn't hurt so much. She stood up and got ready to leave, but the swordsman was quicker and gripped her arm.

Because he realized she didn’t know any of that because he never told her.

“It wasn’t a mistake. I don’t see you as Kuina anymore because, in the end, you both are very different. And I… I don’t want you to leave.”

“L-leave? I-I never said I was leaving.”

“I know. But that day is likely to come and I don’t want you to go away with some stupid and noble marine.”

“S-s-some stupid and noble m-marine??”

“Yeah. I want you to… stay here. With us… with me.”

Zoro knew this moment was crucial. He gambled everything he had with no guarantees. And he definitely isn’t a careless man or the kind of person to not think before doing something, but he doesn’t know what is wrong with this woman that makes him take risky decisions. The one who planted the idea of a not so lonely future, the idea of having someone to come back to, someone to be by his side when he finally achieve his dream.

Someone to share. Above all else, someone that understands him. 

And understanding was what she did. Tashigi got the meaning behind Zoro’s few words. Of the promise he was making for the future and his sincere desire for her. I mean, she could only have understood because the smile that was on her face again screamed happiness to him.

“Unfortunately, no marine can compete with you, Zoro. Especially if we are talking about a bad sense of direction.”

“Tch!”

Tashigi laughed at his scowl but stopped when Zoro pulled her straight to his lap. He had never seen her so red in his whole life. The girl was redder than Luffy’s cardigan! That made the swordsman smirk and whisper hoarsely in her ear:

“I don’t think you’ll keep laughing when I really show you why no man will ever compete with me, captain Glasses.

[razieltwelve]

Lightning (Final Rose AU Snippet)

I remember when people used to call me Claire, but Claire died a long time ago. She died when the Grimm came, and the world stopped making sense. She died when she called for help and the only reply she received came from the clouds and the rain.

I remember the storm.

I remember the howl of the wind and the drumbeat of the rain.

I remember the smell of blood and the baying of the Grimm.

But above all, I remember the lightning tearing the world in two.

Claire died that day.

And Lightning was born.

X     X     X

“She is unstable!” the instructor growled. “You don’t know her the way we do, Ozpin. You haven’t been around her the past five years. We are talking about a fourteen-year-old girl who can control weather on a colossal scale. That thunderstorm she called up when she awakened her Semblance? That was nothing. She’s gotten stronger, Ozpin. During our last field exercise, she created a hurricane. And don’t even get me started on the lightning. Our instruments recorded an average of around two hundred lightning strikes per minute for four hours. That’s almost fifty thousand lightning strikes!”

“You have made frequent reference to her demonstrations of power,” Ozpin replied calmly. “But you have yet to provide proof of her instability.”

“Ozpin,” the man hissed. “She renamed herself Lightning. The only people she’ll even talk to are her sisters. You aren’t there when she uses her Semblance. There are… voices on the wind. It terrifies people.”

“Oh?”

“You can hear voices when she uses her Semblance. They’re on the wind. Sometimes, it’s a little girl crying. Other times, it’s someone screaming. And other times, it’s the Grimm. But you know what you can always hear? You can hear her, Lightning, and all she ever talks about is killing.”

“Hmm… so her Semblance manifests in response to her emotions?” Ozpin’s brows furrowed. “An interesting quirk. Yet I cannot help but wonder if certain emotions could bring out its full power.”

“Do you know what happened the last time someone tried to bully one of her sisters?” the instructor asked.

“What?”

“It was one of the new instructors. She has since been removed. Her car was reduced to molten slag by a single lightning strike… on a cloudless day before  a gust of wind hurled the melted car through the wall and into the instructor’s classroom. To this day, I do not know if Lightning missed on purpose or if she simply lacked the precision to guarantee a hit.”

“Incredible,” Ozpin murmured. “Imagine what she could do to the Grimm.”

“Imagine what she could do to us?” the instructor asked. “If she ever loses control, and I honestly don’t even know if she has control, she could wipe out a kingdom in a day or less. You think the Grimm are bad? Imagine a storm that dumps several yards of rain in a night accompanied by tens of thousands of lightning strikes and the kind of wind that can tear a building to shreds. Ozpin, you’re playing a dangerous game by inviting her to Beacon.”

“It is a game I must play if we are to defeat the Grimm.” Ozpin nodded. “But I will acknowledge your concerns. Any fault, should the worst occur, will be mine to bear. You have my word.”

“Then I hope I am wrong and you are right.”

X     X     X

Fang had heard the rumours. Everyone had. There was some kind of big shot coming to Beacon. Well, she wasn’t about to sit back and let someone else take the top spot. She had one of the strongest Semblances in the world, and she wasn’t about to step aside.

Still, as her opponent took up a position on the other side of the arena, Fang couldn’t help but feel a bit wary. The sky - the Dust damned sky - had begun to darken. Thick, black clouds rolled in despite the previously cloudless weather. The wind kicked up, and she could feel the first drops of rain against her forehead.

Her opponent said nothing. She simply stared at Fang as tendrils of electricity crackled along her body. Fang’s lips curled. Oh, this would be fun. Finally, a challenge. Someone she could face with her full strength. She barely heard the announcer start the fight. All of her attention was on her opponent.

With speed that no other student could match, Fang blurred forward. A bolt of lightning crackled down from the sky and hit her with enough electricity to turn a tank into a piece of scrap metal. The impact hurled her back, and Fang tumbled end over end before striking the far wall of the arena.

Her opponent’s expression didn’t change.

But Fang was already back on her feet. Ragnarok tugged at the edges of her control, and she let the transformation wash over her. The injuries had already healed, and the strength, speed, and power of her Semblance thundered through her. She leapt forward again.

Another bolt of lightning hit her.

She shrugged it off.

So ten more bolt of lightning struck her instead.

She flew back, but she was up on her feet within moments. The faintest frown crossed her opponent’s features.

“You… are a tough one, aren’t you?” the other girl murmured as her pink hair shifted in the growing wind. Fang could hear voices on that wind, mournful, angry, howling voices.

Fang replied with a roar that shook the arena.

“I see.” The other girl nodded. “I know about you. They call you the Fang of the Yun. They say your Semblance can end the world.” She smiled thinly. “I am Lightning, and I am the wind, the rain, the thunder, and the storm. I am the fury of the world, and the wrath of the heavens. Show me then what the end of the world looks like.”

X     X     X

Snow looked around the dorm room. “Okay…” he began. “Let me see if I’ve got this right? Our team consists of a guy who can apparently enslave the souls of people he’s killed or something, someone who turns into a world-ending monster, and someone who is basically a walking natural disaster.”

“Yes,” Lightning replied blandly. “That is correct.”

“Oh, boy.” Snow took a deep breath. “The fact that I am the most normal person here is not reassuring.”

X     X     X

Author’s Notes

This is the Semblance I would have given Lightning if she didn’t have Saviour. It is basically absolute meteorological control extending from small-scale phenomena (e.g., throwing lightning at people) to large-scale manipulation (e.g., creating a hurricane). 

You can find me on fanfiction.net, AO3, and Amazon. Please check out my newest story on Amazon. It’s called Monster Whisperer. If you enjoy my sense of humour you might also want to check out Attempted Vampirism, or The Unconventional Heroes series.

[rose-gold-romantic]

Whatever It Takes: Chapter Eight

A Loki x Reader based in the Tesseract fic universe! Avengers: Infinity War follow-up fic. Next in the Tesseract fic series. Links to Tesseract, Lokasenna, What Heroes Do, and Fidelity. Also to my AU Feel You.

I WOULD LOVE FEEDBACK! Want to be tagged in updates? Let me know!

@malignentmac @fandomsfanman @i-am-supermerwholoked221b @markusstrayya @sincereleygmg @pandaqua​ @person-born-winchester

Just a forewarning, this one has a major POV shift from the past entries, since Reader was Dusted at the end of Fidelity! Keeping with my recent trend in fic titles, it’s named after a track on the official soundtrack. I also constantly watch this Video, and recommend it to hype you up!

“If you guys wanted to grab lunch, Bruce and Scott were making tacos in the kitchen.” Natasha said, when we met her inside. “I just put out the call to everyone to come in. Okoye has to stay in Wakanda to keep things running, and I don’t know if Danvers is going to even get our message, but everyone else is on their way right now.”

“Do we have any other way of getting Danvers here faster?” Tony asked.

“We don’t know specifically where she is, so no.” Natasha sighed.

The ground rumbled, and a glance out the panel windows confirmed that Rocket and Nebula had arrived. The Benatar landed next to the building, Scott sitting on a bench and staring in awe at the spaceship.

Rocket and Scott shared a brief exchange, and Rocket came inside to find Bruce and myself. As we exited to get into the Benatar, Rhodes arrived, startling Scott into dropping his taco all over the sidewalk.

“What’s up, regular-sized man?” Rhodey joked, turning to walk into the building.

Bruce passed Scott a few tacos from his own lunch as we boarded the ship, leaving Scott looking both puzzled and thankful.

“Where are we headed?” Bruce asked.

“We’re going to get Thor.” Rocket answered. “I called Val to tell him to come, but she was saying it’s going to be more difficult than that. That’s why you two are coming with.”

This news unsettled me. I had instructed both Thor and Val to contact me if anything went awry, and I had heard nothing from either of them. I had presumed that Thor would leap at the chance to undo what had been done, especially considering what had happened in Wakanda. Had I been wrong about his willingness? Or was something else wrong?

Thoughts continued to spin in my head as we travelled to New Asgard. The Benatar landed outside its outskirts, and we rode in the back of a truck into the city limits.

As we all exited the vehicle, Rocket looked around.

“Kind of a step down from a golden palace and whatnot.” Rocket mumbled.

“Have a little compassion, pal.” Bruce interjected before I could respond. “First, they’ve lost Asgard, then half their people. They’re probably just happy to have a home to live in.”

“You shouldn’t have come!” Val called out to us, looking directly at me.

“Aahhh Valkyrie!” Bruce answered, smiling. “Great to see you, Angry Girl!”

Val raised an eyebrow, looking Bruce up and down. “I think I liked you better either of the other ways.”

“This is Rocket.” Bruce said, trying to shift the subject.

“You you doin’?” Rocket nodded.

“He won’t see you.” Val continued. “I told you that.”

“What happened?” I asked, “Why won’t he see us?”

“He’s holed up in his place, never comes out.” She answered. “Nothing threatening was happening, and I know you had important stuff to do. I was managing on my own alright, didn’t want to needlessly bother you.”

“That bad, huh?” Bruce asked.

“We only see him once a month, when he comes for…” She glanced over to a large pile of beer kegs on the side of the pier, “...supplies.”

“It’s that bad.” Rocket sighed.

“Yea.” Rocket agreed.

“Let’s get my brother out of here.” I said, “We have people to save.”

We walked over to my brother’s home, Rocket pushing open the front door. We all grimaced at the smell that wafted from the house’s interior.

“What the…” Bruce said, confused.

“Whoo!” Rocket said, waving his hand in front of his face. “Something died in here. Hello?”

“Thor?” I called out, my concern rising.

“Are you here about the cable?” Thor called out from a separate room.

Thor slowly walked into view, and my worst hopes for him fell through the floorboards as I saw him. He was walking around shirtless, and had gained an incredible amount of weight since I had been in last. He had obviously leaned heavily into drinking to cope, and the scent of alcohol clung to him.

“The cinemax ran out two weeks ago, and the sports were all kind of fuzzy.” Thor mumbled, turning to face us, finally noticing who we were. “Boys, brother! Oh my God! How have you been?” Thor leaned to try to hug Rocket, “Come here you little rascal!”

“No, I’m good. I’m good.” Rocket said, pushing away. “That’s not necessary.”

“Hulk, you know my friends, Miek, Korg, right?” Thor gestured to the duo sitting on the sofa, playing video games whilst they ate chips.

“Hey, long time no see!” Bruce waved to them.

“Hey guys.” Korg waved back. “Beer’s on the bucket. Feel free to log onto the Wi-Fi. No password, obviously.” After a pause, he looked to Thor. “Thor, he’s back, the kid on the TV. He called me a dickhead again.”

“Noobmaster?” Thor slurred.

“Yea, Noobmaster69.” Korg confirmed, handing Thor the headphones.

As Thor went off on the other player, I sighed. While Thor had always been a happy drunk, I knew that this was nothing more than him trying to escape from everything that had happened. Not that I had been much different. I chose to stay busy to distract myself, and he had chosen to drown his sorrows with drink. I wished that I had realized sooner, perhaps I could have prevented his decline. I had initially left because he had said that he didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to even interact with me much. Perhaps more insistence from me would have helped him through it...

Thor handed the headphones back to Korg before turning back to us. “So, do you guys want a drink? What are you drinking? We have beer, tequila, all sorts of things.”

Thor picked up a beer, removing the cap with Stormbreaker’s edge. I came up to him, placing my hands on his shoulders firmly.

“Buddy, you alright?” Bruce asked, placing his hand on Thor’s shoulder.

“I’m fine!” Thor insisted between gulps, “Why, don’t I look alright?”

“You look like melted ice cream.” Rocket said, rolling his eyes.

Thor laughed, taking another drink. “So, what’s up?”

“We need your help.” Bruce said, trying to calmly get through my brother’s drunken stupor. “There might be a chance that we could fix everything.”

“What, like the cable?” Thor asked with a belch. “Cause that’s been driving me bananas for weeks.”

“Like Thanos.” Bruce said softly.

Thor’s face darkened instantly, the smile gone from his face. Thor placed a shaky hand on Bruce’s shoulder and pointed at him, beer bottle still in his hand.

“Don’t you say that name.” Thor slurred.

Korg stood, removing his headphones. “Um, yea. We don’t actually say that name in here.”

“Please, take your hand off me.” Bruce said, removing Thor’s hand gently. “Now, I know that… guy… might scare you.”

“Why would I be? Why would, why would I be scared of that guy? I'm the one who killed that guy, remember? Anyone else here killed that guy?” Thor said, his emotions fighting to be acknowledged. “Nope. Didn't think so. Korg, why don't you, tell everybody who chopped Thanos' big head off.”

“Umm, Stormbreaker?” Korg answered, unsure.

“Now, who was swinging Stormbreaker?” Thor continued.

“I get it. You're in a rough spot, okay? I've been there myself.” Bruce said, gently trying to break through the wall Thor had built up. “You wanna know who helped me out of it?”

“I don't know.” Thor mused, smiling. “Is it… Natasha?”

“It was you.” Bruce answered. “You helped me”

Thor walked over to a window, pointing out through the dirty glass. “Why don't you ask the, Asgardians down there, how much my help was worth.” He sighed, sitting onto a chair. “The ones that are left, anyway.”

“I think we can bring them back.” Bruce said.

“Stop. Just, stop…” Thor said, reaching for a snack. “I know you think I’m down here wallowing in my own self-pity, waiting to be rescued and saved. But I’m fine okay? We’re fine, aren’t we?”

“All good here, mate!” Korg replied, waving.

“So, whatever it is that you’re offering, we’re not into it, don’t care couldn’t care less.” Thor said, finishing off his bottle. “Goodbye.”

Unable to bear it any longer, I broke my silence.

“But you’re not fine! Look at yourself, brother.” I said, my voice raised. “I know as well as anyone what it’s like to lose everyone, to feel like you’ve failed everyone you’ve ever cared about.” I bit my tongue, lowering my voice as my own emotions began to influence my words.

“To know that you’ve failed them, that you’re the reason they’re gone.” I almost whispered, my throat tight.

“There is nothing I would want more than to be able to run away from my duties. I tried to. To run away from the fact that nearly my entire family was stolen from me, and that I’m the one to blame for all of it!” I shouted, hot tears streaming down my face as Thor continued to look down at the ground and his empty hands. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there. I’m sorry that I couldn’t fix everything, no matter how hard I may have tried. I’m sorry that I was too wrapped up in my own selfish interests to help you when you needed it most. But I’m trying to fix that now, and I need you to let me! I can’t lose the only family I have left! I can’t lose you the way that I lost mother, the way that I lost (Y/N). The guilt of their deaths eats away at me every single day, and while I have no one to blame but myself for that, I refuse to let you throw yourself away like this. I need you, Thor, and I know that you need me too.”

I stepped back, trying to compose myself. “I want to be better, I want to do what’s right. All I’m asking is that you come along with me. I need you.”

“We all need you, pal.” Bruce added softly.

Thor sighed heavily, grabbing a few beers and standing up.

“What’s our plan?”

[takerfoxx]

RD Walpurgis Nights 7: Part 5

“Well,” Ophelia said. “That sounds…problematic. I take it you guys didn’t really talk much after that?”

Homulilly shook her head. “N-No. It was miserable.”

…

Two days ago…

Homulilly woke up.

She was sort of crammed alone one edge of the bed, facing the wall. Furthermore, Gretchen’s arms weren’t wrapped around her waist like they usually were, nor did she feel Gretchen’s warm breath around her ear.

She could hear Gretchen breathing though. Homulilly carefully turned her head to look over her shoulder. Gretchen was lying next to her, but turned away from her and close to the other end of the bed.

Homulilly felt a lump build in her throat. She turned back away from her and stared at the wall.

The alarm went off a few moments later. Neither of them moved.

Then Gretchen sighed and turned it off. She sat up and slipped off the bed.

Normally the two would give each other a good morning kiss and rise together. They would dress together, take turns using the restroom, and touch each other up. They were help each other pack for the school day and go off together to breakfast.

Today Homulilly remained where she was as she listened to the patter of Gretchen’s legs as she moved about the room, changing clothes and getting her school supplies together.

Then all sound of movement stopped. Homulilly was still facing the wall, but she sensed that Gretchen was standing over her.

“Homulilly-chan,” Gretchen said in a small voice. “Can we talk now? Please?”

Homulilly tensed up, but she didn’t turn toward her.

“Homulilly-chan?”

Still no answer.

A long, heavy silence followed, and then Gretchen sighed and left the room, softly closing the door behind her. It was only when Homulilly was certain that she wasn’t coming back that she finally got up.

…

Then…

“Seriously?” Ophelia said. “You wouldn’t even talk to her?”

“I know, I know,” Homulilly said, her voice choking up. “I just couldn’t face her.”

“Who were you actually mad at? Her or yourself?”

Homulilly was silent for a bit. Then she said, “It…changed around a lot.”

…

Then…

Gretchen didn’t come home that night.

Well, of course she didn’t. There was still a couple more meetings left! So of course she would want to spend time with her cool friends!

Homulilly paced back and forth across their dorm, hands wringing as she muttered endlessly under her breath. She hadn’t gotten so much as an invitation to return that night. Of course she would’ve said no, but it would’ve been nice to be given the opportunity to say no! The fact that Gretchen hadn’t invited her meant that she didn’t even want her there, that Homulilly would get in the way off all her cool new friends.

Well, okay, so Homulilly had made a fool of herself the last time. But still, she could at least ask!

Homulilly ought to go over there anyway. Just…show up, and let them deal with her! What were they going to do, kick her out? It’s like Mitty said, they weren’t checking ID’s. It was a free afterlife, she could do what she wanted.

Except…there were several of them, and they were all older and stronger than she was. Plus, Jalaga was there, and Homulilly had already kind of offended her. Jalaga could pick her up and throw her clear over the building if she wanted to. And then word would spread across the school and everyone would be laughing at her and…

Homulilly just went to bed.

…

One day ago…

Again Gretchen had come home late. Again they hadn’t talked when she did. And again neither of them said anything to each other the next morning.

That would be bad enough. Having the one thing that made her second life worth living taken away was more than enough to make everything awful.

But of course, on the last day before the festival, they had an Algebra quiz.

Because of course they did.

Again Homulilly stared down at the equations she was supposed to solve. She tried to think back to the help Ophelia had given her and remember how she had walked her through how to do the formulas. Right, what was the order again? She was pretty sure she was supposed to start with…

…of course she wouldn’t be in this mess if Gretchen hadn’t left her for her new friends. They’d have already worked together to study for the quiz and at least had something of grasp on the material. Instead, Homulilly had spent yesterday evening alone and angry.

Homulilly glanced to her side. Gretchen was staring down at her own paper, looking totally lost. Well, served her right!

Shaking her head, Homulilly tried to concentrate. No, she couldn’t let herself get swept up. She could be angry later. For now she had a quiz to finish.

…which was really stupid, if one thought about it. The festival was tomorrow, and that terrifying field trip had only been a few days ago. How was anyone supposed to concentrate with all that hanging over their heads?

It wasn’t fair. They ought to at least postpone the quiz until the next week, or not have it at all! It wasn’t like Homulilly wanted to become an engineer like Ophelia was, or anything involving more than basic addition and subtraction.

Then again, what did she know? She had no idea what she wanted to be. She had no idea who she really was either! Because apparently she was super boring with no real hobbies and skills. Maybe that was why Gretchen had stopped spending time with her. Homulilly was boring, Mitty wasn’t. And when Homulilly had tried to make herself interesting, she had ended up embarrassing them both!

Right, right, forget it. Later, she had to worry about that later. Power her way through the quiz now, then she could think bad things about people. All right, what she had to do was…

…actually, now that she thought about, it really was the stupid festival’s fault. If it wasn’t happening, then Gretchen wouldn’t have wanted to join the planning committee, and then she wouldn’t have met Mitty, and everything would be normal! No fights, no lonely nights, none of that!

In fact, the field trip was also to blame! That was what got Homulilly so scared and messed up, right? Why did they have to happen the same week? Did they do this on purpose, to weed out the weak?

No, that was dumb. It was just coincidence. Right?

Then Homulilly felt a pair of eyes on her. She glanced over and saw Gretchen eyeing her. As soon as she saw Homulilly look over Gretchen quickly averted her gaze and pretended to focus on her paper.

Homulilly let her eyes linger on her a little long before looking away. What was she looking at? Was she happy that Homulilly was struggling? Well, let her! It wasn’t like everyone else wasn’t-

“Time’s up!” announced Ms. Ishii, the teacher. “Pencils down, and everyone pass your papers to the front!”

Homulilly jerked up straight. Wait, time was up? How could time be up? They had just started, hadn’t they? Surely it couldn’t be over!

But it was. And as Homulilly looked down in despair, she realized that she hadn’t answered a single question.

…

Now…

“It just kept eating at me,” Homulilly said. “Every time I tried to do something else, every time I tried to focus on anything, I just keep going back to it and going back to it and going back to it…”

Ophelia pursed her lips. “Did you try, you know, just going up to Gretchen and finally getting everything out? I mean, it’s clear she wanted to talk to you.”

“I…I almost did,” Homulilly said, her shoulders slumping. “Later that night. When I was in our dorm. Alone.”

“So…”

“I didn’t.”

…

Then…

Homulilly wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take.

She sat on the side of the bed, her phone sitting next to her. Her anger had pretty much exhausted itself out, and now she just felt tired.

She had to end this. She had to stop shutting Gretchen out and talk to her. Another evening alone would be Hell.

Her fingers clenched and unclenched, while the petals of her flower mirrored the motions. Okay. Come on, she could do this.

Homulilly grabbed up her phone and brought up her contacts. She moved her finger over Gretchen’s to make the call.

But she didn’t.

What was she going to say?

That she was angry? That she wanted Gretchen to stop hanging around Mitty? That…that she wasn’t good enough for Gretchen and she should just go with Mitty?

No. No, she couldn’t call. The words would just get caught in her throat.

A message then. She could explain herself better through writing it out.

She started one, but that came off as sounding too pathetic, so she discarded it and started over.

She tried again, but it came off as too angry, so that one was thrown out.

Again, but it was too passive-aggressive.

Again, but it was too groveling.

Again, but it was all over the place.

She kept writing and discarding, rewriting and discarding, rewriting and discarding, but nothing felt right.

Finally she just wrote, I miss you.

But before she could hit send, a message from Gretchen popped up, and her breath caught in her throat.

It read, I’m spending the night in Jada’s room.

That was it. No explanation as to why, nothing about Mitty, nothing about the problems between them. Just that.

A thousand different responses flew through Homulilly’s mind, each one coming from a completely different place, each one almost guaranteed to lead to somewhere incredibly emotional.

But instead, she just erased the message she was going to send and wrote was, Okay.

That was it. Just a simple acknowledgement.

And so, nothing was solved.

Homulilly let her phone drop. She fell back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Funny, she had never really noticed how much room there was on the bed, but now that she was the only one on it, it was hard to ignore. She could roll this was and that way and not wake anyone up.

Her eyes filled with tears.

…

That morning…

The day of the Cultural Exchange Festival had arrived, and Homulilly’s mood couldn’t be fouler.

Things hadn’t gotten better. Gretchen hadn’t contacted her that morning, so Homulilly had gotten up and gotten ready alone.

Unfortunately, the universe was not about to give her a break. The festival was a three-day affair, from Friday to Sunday, and as a result there were no school on Friday. Which, under normal circumstances, would be great, but since Gretchen had to be with the planning committee all day to oversee that stupid dance, Homulilly had to spend the whole day by herself, with not even class to distract herself.

Much like it had been the last few years since her arrival, she spent the day with the rest of her class, led around the city learn about the various cultures, first that of Earth, then of their nonhuman neighbors. Practically all of Freehaven was dressed up for the day, and it seemed like every block was either from a different country or a different planet, with decorations put up to simulate the traditions of each. And to be honest, sometimes the Earth cultures were just as fascinating as those from across the stars.

In previous years, Homulilly had been enthralled. She and Gretchen had stood side-by-side, gaping along with everyone else as they were introduced to fantastical creatures that looked like they had stepped out of the pages of a science fiction novel, watched and listened as those creatures shared their world with them. It had been a truly magical experience.

Not so much anymore. As everyone else oohed and aahed, Homulilly sulked in the back, hands in her jacket pockets and head down. She kept checking her phone, looking to see if Gretchen had sent any kind of message, all the while not sure if she wanted her to or was dreading it.

Finally lunch time rolled around, and Homulilly had had enough. She had gone through three days without Gretchen, and it was just making her miserable. She didn’t care if she got yelled at, they were going to settle things right then and there.

She opened her phone to send Gretchen a message, but then stopped. No. No, this wasn’t something they could do through something so impersonal. It had to be done in person.

As everyone gathered into their little groups in the table area, Homulilly stole away. Gretchen would be in the plaza, where the dance would be held. At least she hoped she was in the plaza. If she got there and it turned out that Gretchen had left, then she would probably scream.

Well, okay, so she could just call then and set up a meeting. But what if Gretchen didn’t answer? What if her phone was off? Or worse, what if she rejected Homulilly’s call? Homulilly had pretty much shut her down every time she tried to talk over the last few days, so it wasn’t like she wouldn’t have good reason to.

As those thoughts churned in her head, changing anger to fear, Homulilly quickened her step, so that by the time she reached the front of the building, she was practically running.

Then she stopped dead in her tracks.

Gretchen was there. Homulilly could see her clear across the plaza.

But Gretchen wasn’t just milling about. Nor did she seem as upset as Homulilly was.

Rather, she was in the dance circle. And not in the dance circle setting up various odds and ends like she was the last time.

Rather, she was in the dance circle using it for its intended purpose. She was dancing, and quite enthusiastically at that.

But she wasn’t doing it alone. Oh no, she had a partner, a partner that had her by the waist and was holding her quite close.

And that partner was Mitty.

…

Now…

Ophelia let out a long, slow whistle. “Wow, okay. That one…that one actually looks pretty bad.”

“That’s what I thought too,” Homulilly said. “I mean, why wouldn’t I? They were dancing together all sexy like!”

“Yeah,” Ophelia said. “Yeah, I guess-”

Right about then several fireworks went off over their heads, startling them both. And given that they had magic to work with, these fireworks resembled less of pretty, colorful bursts of light and sound and more of the coming of Judgement Day, albeit a very colorful Judgement day.

Ophelia waited until everything died down before saying, “So, did you confront them?”

Homulilly shook her head. “No. Not then. I just turned around and walked away.”

“And…it simmered until tonight.”

“Yeah,” Homulilly sighed. “Yeah.”

…

About an hour ago…

Night had come, the day was dead, and Homulilly wanted to kick something.

The guided tour was pretty much over, and the girls were allowed to wander wherever they wished, so long as they stayed within the area that was under surveillance. The caretakers had been very clear about that. Just because there were no more creepy old men in trench coats didn’t mean that there weren’t perverts or worse around. And now that they all were the same gender around the same age, it just made them harder to spot.

Not that that stopped anyone from sneaking out just because they could. Her friends had regaled them with many a tale of their rebellious escapades, and they were far from the only ones. Honestly, Homulilly was tempted to do just that. Who cared if she disappeared? Who cared if she never came back? It wasn’t like anyone really liked her.

Instead Homulilly just wandered aimlessly, head down and hands in her pockets as dark thoughts clouded her mind.

Then she got the first bit of relief she’d had all day.

“Hey, Lilly of the Valley! Over here!”

Homulilly perked up. That had definitely been Charlotte’s voice. She scanned the crowd and saw the tailed witch in question, standing over near the barbecue booths with a cone of cotton candy in her hand. Oktavia was in her four-legged chair next to her, and behind them she could see Ophelia helping herself to sausages and grilled onions, easily identifiable by the size of her hat and the abundance of red she was wearing.

Finally, someone to talk to that she actually liked and wasn’t any kind of a threat. Homulilly hurried over to them.

“Hey there,” Charlotte said as Homulilly approached. “We were wondering when we’d run into-”

Homulilly threw her arms around Charlotte hugged her tight.

“-OKAY! Um, hi? Glad to see you too?”

Homulilly knew that she was making a scene, but she didn’t care. She just closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of holding somebody she cared about, even if it wasn’t the person she really needed.

Below, Oktavia crossed her arms over her chest and sulked. “Okay, that’s fine. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be down here, not getting hugs.”

Homulilly let out a small laugh and bent over to hug her too.

“What’s this about getting hugs, and how can I get in on that action?” Ophelia said as she wandered over, an overstuffed German bratwurst in a bun in each hand. Homulilly was more than happy to oblige.

“Well,” Charlotte said. “She hugged me longer.”

With a sigh, Homulilly released Ophelia. God, she had needed that. Of course they would probably ask for an explanation, but that was fine. She really needed someone to vent to.

Then an unfamiliar voice, one considerably deeper than most but with a syrupy edge said, “My, my, my, you are all an affectionate bunch. Don’t mind me though. I’ll just stand here, next to all this love, forever the outsider looking in.”

Confused, Homulilly turned toward the speaker in question, whom she had taken for some bystander who had just so happened to be standing near Charlotte. It was a jott, and a pretty flamboyant one at that, even by the jotts’ already flamboyant standards. She was wearing a shiny one-piece outfit made of some glossy blue-and-gold material with a shiny golden cape draped over one shoulder. Her hair was as thick and bushy as a lion’s mane and was decorated with dozens of tiny red and green jewels that hung from it was Christmas ornaments.

Homulilly had no idea who she was.

Seeing the look on Homulilly’s face, the jott smiled and patted Homulilly on the shoulder. “It’s all right, no need to keep that line going.”

“Um…” was all Homulilly could think of to say.

Charlotte cleared her throat. “Er, Homulilly? This is-”

“Corbit Fausk, at your service,” the jott said, sticking out her hand. “A pleasure to meet you, darling. Now, you must be Gretchen!”

“Homulilly!” Charlotte hissed.

“Homulilly!” Corbit corrected without missing a beat. “Right shape, wrong half. Wonderful to meet Ryoko’s real life inspiration!”

Now Homulilly was totally lost. “Uh…right,” she said as she gingerly shook Corbit’s hand. The jott’s grip was gentle but very strong and careful to keep her blunt claws away from the back of Homulilly’s hand, as if she had some bad experiences with handshakes in the past and had practiced until she got it right. “Nice to…met you?”

“Hmmm, a statement phrased like a question,” Corbit noted. “Indicating uncertainty, being off-put, perhaps feeling a little lost and overwhelmed, but still wishing to be polite. Yes. Yes, you are indeed Ryoko.”

Ryoko? Wait, Homulilly knew that name. “Isn’t…isn’t that the name of one of your characters?” she said to Charlotte.

Charlotte winced. “Er…”

“Indeed it is!” Corbit proclaimed. “But less of a character and more of a transcribing of a near and dear friend to page! After all, reality shapes more enthralling protagonists than fiction ever could!”

Now Homulilly was really lose, and Charlotte was looking increasingly more and more uncomfortable. Ophelia and Oktavia, it should be noted, looked like they were having a grand old time, if their ear-to-ear grins were any indication. “Right,” Ophelia said. “Okay, let’s get you caught up. Corbit Fausk here is Charlotte’s new agent.”

“New agent…” Then Homulilly’s eyes widened when she realized what that meant. “Oh! Oh, you got published!”

Corbit shrugged. “Ah, well, no, not yet. Still a few chapters too early, sweet thing. But ah, with my considerable muscle behind her, this is less of a possibility and more of an eventuality, isn’t it now? Not even a spoiler at this point.”

“Oh, well, congratulations! I knew you could do it!”

Charlotte relaxed a little, even managing a small but proud smile. “Thanks! It’s still a little surprising, to be honest.”

Corbit snorted. “Oh, nonsense. Nonsense! I know talent when I see it. I don’t make stars, after all, but I do have a distinct eye for finding them.”

“And she couldn’t have a found a better astronomer!” Ophelia said, leaning over to throw her arm around Corbit’s shoulder. “Corby here’s practically part of the family now!”

And with that Charlotte was back to looking all sorts of uncomfortable. In fact, she now seemed downright mortified. “Oh, sweet Jesus, no,” she groaned, burying her face in one hand.

Oktavia leaned over to loudly whisper, “She’s been over nearly every day. Turns out that’s she’s just as freaky as we are!”

“Oh, nonsense,” Corbit said with loud laugh. “Nonsense! I am simply a connoisseur of romance, no matter what form it might take!”

“Guys, please,” Charlotte begged.

“Wait, what?” Homulilly said. She looked from one face to the next, hoping that someone would explain things to her.

Ophelia snickered. “Well, let’s just say that with Candeloro out of the house, we’ve been taking advantage of the extra space to host…viewing parties.”

“Stop it,” Charlotte snapped. “Stop it right now.”

“And quite wonderful ones at that,” Corbit added. “It’s nice to run into such kindred spirits while being so far from home.”

“I’m…lost,” Homulilly said.

Now Charlotte was openly gritting her teeth. She thrust an accusing finger at Ophelia and Oktavia. “These two. Have been hosting. Porn parties.”

Homulilly’s jaw dropped. “What?”

“They took over the big HoloVid and have been playing all their weird porn holos at full blast!” Charlotte said as she threw her hands into the air. “Not only that, but they invite all their friends over…and do color commentary! Loudly”

“And here I thought my trip to Freehaven would be a bore before the festival!” Corbit said.

Charlotte shook her head. “Yeah, okay, and right after I sign the contract, my brand new agent decides to drop by our house unannounced right in the middle of…uh…”

“Andalite Morphing Party 3,” Ophelia helpfully provided.

“Right! That one! And of course, I’m mortified! I’m thinking, this is it, my stupid roommates have gone and scared off my one big chance. But did it? No! What happened was worse!”

Oktavia laughed. “Yeah, turns out Corby not only had seen it before, but had brought the sequel along for her trip!”

Ophelia’s eyes glimmered. “It’s supposed to be out of print! I never thought I’d ever see a copy!”

“It’s amazing what having connections in the smut business can get you,” Corbit said.

“And now she’s our new best friend!” Oktavia said.

“To filth!” Corbit said, lifting her paper cup up high.

Ophelia and Oktavia followed suit with their bratwurst and ice-cream. “To filth!”

“You know, Homulilly, I’m a bit surprised I haven’t seen you at any of the parties,” Corbit said as she sipped her lemonade.

Charlotte shot her a look. “Uh, she’s still underage…”

“Oh, poo,” Corbit said with a dismissive snort. “Like she doesn’t already have a collection of her own. All kids do!”

Homulilly swallowed. “Er, actually, I don’t…”

“Really?” Corbit looked honestly surprised. She thought in this for a bit, and then shrugged. “Well, anomalies will continue to appear. But tell me, where is your Gretchen? I was under the impression that you were joined at the hip!”

Homulilly’s face fell. “Oh. Um, she’s part of the planning committee. For, you know, the FIB’s part in the festival? And she has to stick with them.” She paused for a bit, and then added, “And I’m not.”

Corbit raised an eyebrow. “Really now?”

Homulilly got the distinct feeling that the eccentric jott was picking up on a lot more than she felt comfortable with. “It’s not really my thing…”

“Ah.” Corbit gave her an odd look, but then shrugged again. “Well, Charlotte’s honeybun is off pursuing her hopes and dreams, so it happens I suppose. Pity. But you have to bring her by before I leave. I must see Ryoko and Haruhi play out in real life!”

“Come by after the festival tonight, like at ten or something,” Ophelia chimed in. “I promise that there will be nothing inappropriate, save maybe for Cheese.”

“Spoilsport,” Oktavia grumbled.

“Er…sure,” Homulilly said. “That sounds, that sounds great.”

Then Charlotte tilted her head and frowned. “Homulilly? Is something wrong?”

Oh no. Oh, no, no, no. This wasn’t good. “Wrong?” Homulilly said with what she hoped was a disarming smile. “No, no. Nothing’s wrong, why would you think that?” Crap, she was screwing it up. “Hey, listen, I need…to go…so bye!”

With that, Homulilly turned and fled into the crowd. As she left, she heard Corbit say, “Was it something I said?”

Now even more upset than before, Homulilly pushed her way into the crowd. She knew she wasn’t supposed to go off by herself, but to be frank she really didn’t care. The whole area was under surveillance, so why shouldn’t she? Besides, the place she was headed for was still in the FIB grounds.

It didn’t take long for her to reach the dance circle. Sure enough, it was in full swing, with loud music playing and several girls twirling each other around.

Just like Mitty had been twirling Gretchen around that morning.

Homulilly glanced at it briefly before letting her eyes slide off of it to survey those standing around nearby. Sure enough, she saw the planning committee milling about, talking to the rest of the students and keeping an eye on things.

And off by themselves in one corner was Gretchen and Mitty. They were having what looked like a private conversation, with Gretchen sitting on a bench and doing most of the talking while Mitty leaned against a wall with her hands in her pockets. Judging from the expressions on their faces, it didn’t take a great leap in imagination to figure out what the subject of their conversation was.

Homulilly’s mouth straightened into a horizontal slash. She took a deep breath and marched purposefully over to the pair.

Mitty spotted her first. “Oh, hey,” she said in a neutral tone as she straightened up. “Speak of the devil.” Gretchen raised her head and, seeing Homulilly, winced.

“Devil?” Homulilly said as she neared. “I’m the devil then?”

Mitty shot her an annoyed look. “Relax, Boneyard. It was an expression.”

“Um, guys?” Gretchen said, all of her legs squirming. “Could you not-”

“So you were talking about me,” Homulilly said, folding her arms over her chest.

“Coming off kind of aggressive there, aren’t you?” Mitty said. She shrugged. “Okay Homulilly, let’s get this out in the open: you don’t like me. You haven’t liked me since we met. Fine, lots of people don’t like me. But I have way too much on my plate to put up with Passive-Aggressive Theater. So either spit it out or stop wasting my time.”

“Mitty-chan!” Gretchen cried.

Homulilly stomped over to Mitty until she and the taller girl were practically nose-to-nose. “Stay. Away. From my Gretchen.”

Mitty didn’t so much as flinch. “Oh, so she belongs to you now, is that it? Super. Okay, kiddo, we were talking about you. Mainly, we were talking about how you’ve been acting all weird lately, and when you weren’t being weird you were giving your girlfriend here the cold shoulder. She tells me that you haven’t talked to her in days. So, who exactly do you have such a problem with?” Mitty tilted her thumb first to herself and then to Gretchen. “Me or her?”

“You!”

“Then out with it already!” Mitty snapped.

Right then. If Mitty wanted her to get it out, she would do just that. “I saw you dancing with her!”

“Wait, what?” Mitty said, blinking in surprise. "Are you serious? That’s it?” She rolled her eyes. “Jesus, relax. She asked me to show her how to Samba, so I did!” Then she blinked again. “And hey, wait! That was this morning! You’ve been weird all week, you jealous-”

“Stop it!” Gretchen cried as she leapt up. She tried to inset herself between Homulilly and Mitty, pushing them away with arms and wires both. “Stop it, both of you!”

Mitty just brushed her off. “I. Am not. After your girl! I have a girlfriend, remember?”

“Oh, yeah, sure!” Homulilly said with a great big sarcastic roll of her own eyes. “The girlfriend that’s already graduated and is never around! So, where is she?”

“Seriously?” Mitty let out a bark of laughter that grated every nerve Homulilly had. “You think I’m pulling the Imaginary Girlfriend shit? We all live in the same town, genius! I don’t have a Canada to put her in!”

“She’s telling the truth!” Gretchen told Homulilly. “I met her girlfriend! She’s been visiting the committee meetings, Homulilly!”

“Then why wasn’t she there the other night?” Homulilly demanded.

Mitty stared at her. “Uh, because she had work? Yeah, crazy, isn’t it? Turns out, we all have lives and schedules that don’t revolve around your paranoid ass.”

“I am not paranoid!”

“The fuck you’re not. I bet you’ve got a whole bunch of surveillance cameras watching her 24-7 and a big room full of photos on the walls and a whole bunch of red strings connecting them.”

“Enough!” Gretchen said. She pounded the ground with five of her legs, the closest she could come to stomping her feet in frustration. “Both of you, stop already!”

Mitty held up her hands, palms out. “No need to tell me twice,” she said as she walked around Gretchen to saunter off, giving Homulilly a death glare as she passed. “I’m gone. Sorry, Gretch. But I’m not handling your girl for you.”

“Just get out of here,” Homulilly hissed.

Mitty flipped her a raised middle finger and stomped off.

When she was gone, Gretchen turned her full fury onto Homulilly. “What’s wrong with you, you jerk?” she said, giving Homulilly’s shoulder an angry shove. “She never did anything to you!”

“She’s been hanging off you since I met her!” Homulilly shot back, thrusting a bony finger after Mitty. And you let her!”

That actually caused Gretchen to take a couple steps back, her face turning the same color as her eyes. “Wait, you think I’m cheating on you?” she said, those last three words coming out as a squeak. “You really don’t trust me?”

“I don’t trust her!”

“But you don’t trust me.”

Homulilly breathed in deeply and slowly let it out. “I don’t know,” she admitted. It hurt to say, but it was the truth.

“You don’t trust me,” Gretchen repeated, backing up even further. “All this time, and I thought you were just upset that I wasn’t around, and that’s why you weren’t talking to me, and…” Then her eyes popped wide open. “Wait, that’s what the other night was all about? You thought that you had to fight Mitty for me?! That’s…that’s stupid!”

There was a pause, and then Homulilly said, “Is it?”

“It is!” Gretchen said, striking the ground with her legs again. “After everything we’ve been through, after everything that’s happened, you seriously thought…” Her eyes started to tear up. “This whole week I’ve been stressed out of my mind, trying to do everything right, trying to make everything perfect for us tonight, but then you get mad and stop talking to me, and I’m just wondering what I did wrong, why you hated my friends so much, why you kept pushing me away, and now it’s so bad, and I can’t take it!”

“Perfect? Tonight?” Homulilly’s face screwed up in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

Gretchen didn’t answer. She just turned and fled.

“Gretchen, wait!” Homulilly called. She started to go after her, but then something told her to maybe check behind her first.

She did, and immediately wished that she hadn’t. As it turned out, their argument had drawn the attention of just about everybody nearby, even drawing the dance to a stop. Even those who weren’t staring at her were obviously trying to make it look like they hadn’t just watched everything go down.

Struck dumb, all Homulilly could do was stare back. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. She had done it now. This was every nightmare she had ever had, given life and playing out for everybody to see. The only way it could be worse was-

“Uh…”

-that.

Homulilly cringed. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. She took a deep breath through her clamped teeth and reluctantly looked over to her right.

There they were. Ophelia, Oktavia, Charlotte, and even Corbit Fausk. Apparently they had sensed something was up and had gone after her. And judging by the way they were staring, they had seen the whole thing, or at least enough of it.

For an eternal moment, Homulilly and her friends just stood and stared. Then Oktavia said, “Okay. What the hell was all that?”

“I…” Homulilly said. “I, uh…”

Then she whirled around and ran away.

Homulilly ran and ran and ran. Her eyes were filled with tears, so most of what she saw was a blur, and the crowd made moving through the narrow streets difficult.

She didn’t care.

She had hurt Gretchen. She had hurt Gretchen and made her cry. And she had done it in front of everyone, like some out-of-control jerk.

Wait, no. Not like an out-of-control jerk. As an out-of-control jerk! Because that’s exactly what she was, just a stupid, jealous, selfish jerk with no control at all, and now everyone knew it!

Homulilly found a wall and slumped against it, her face buried in her arm. She didn’t care who saw her crying. She just hoped that they would leave her alone.

On the upside, all the people did. But it seemed that the universe itself was bound and determined to rub it in.

There was, of course, music constantly playing in the background, sometimes culturally specific to whatever display was nearby, while other places just played popular pop songs. The area she was in was one of the latter, though in her state she was in no mood to pay any attention to the soundtrack. It was just some sugary song about nonsense that she had already heard a million times and had never really much cared for.

But then it ended, and a different beat started, one that was near and dear to her heart, one that was more disco-flavored, but with lively string section.

And then the lyrics kicked in.

“The spell you got on me

It’s like magic!”

No. Not that song, not Magic. Magic was their song, hers and Gretchen’s! It was the song that had played during their first dance. It was their ringtones for one another. It was the song that they played whenever they were in the mood.

Homulilly fell back against a wall. She slipped down and huddled into a ball and started crying. This was the worst.

She was wrong, of course.

Homulilly stopped crying, but it wasn’t the threat of a possible audience that made her stop. Rather, it was the sound of voices, coming from right around the corner, one of which was very familiar.

“…yeah, I don’t what’s with that crazy bitch, but she’s had it in for me since we first met.”

Mitty.

Homulilly’s eyes slowly opened. She sniffed, wiped away her tears, and stood up. There were a few people nearby giving her concerned looks, but she ignored them and went over to the corner, hands clenched into fists. Right, enough was enough. She was going take care of this right now.

Homulilly crept around the corner and surveyed the place, searching for her rival. It didn’t take long to find her, but what she saw made her hesitate.

Around the corner was a plaza, lined with booths and other attractions. And standing with her back to Homulilly was Mitty herself. But she wasn’t alone. Another girl was with her, this one about half-a-head shorter with jaw-length hair the color of wheat and skin roughly the same shade as Mitty’s. She was wearing a knee-length fur coat and was also facing away from Homulilly, so Homulilly couldn’t make out much more than that, but she didn’t need to see more to know who it was.

The way her and Mitty’s hands were entwined was enough.

“That’s what I get for being nice,” Mitty was saying. “I mean, Gretchen’s cool, and she wanted someone to show her how to samba, so I figure, why the hell not?”

“Why did she want to know how to samba?” said the other girl.

Mitty shrugged. “Oh, something about seeing the dance we set up last year and wanting her and her crazy girlfriend to join in. She said that their first date was at a dance party or something and wanted to surprise her with another. So sure, I said I’d teach her a thing or two. Why not? Except of course, Homulilly had to see us and go fucking bugnuts. God only knows what Gretchen sees in her.”

The other girl sighed. “Mitty, I told you! You have got to stop flirting with everything that moves! I mean, I know you don’t mean anything by it, but it was only a matter of time before this happened.”

“It’s not my fault, Ally!”

“Mitty…” Alyssa said, a bit of warning in her voice. “Give me a break.”

“It wasn’t!”

“Did you kiss her?”

“Of course not! I just taught her the dance! Besides, even if Gretchen was my type, which she’s not, why would I risk screwing up what I got now? I mean, I’ve already hit the jackpot.”

“Damn right, you did,” Alyssa said as she leaned in close.

Homulilly felt the lump in her throat grow as she watched them kiss. Oh God, Alyssa did exist. Mitty did have a girlfriend! And she hadn’t been going after Gretchen after all! She had just been showing Gretchen how to dance, because…because…

…because Gretchen wanted to dance with Homulilly! That dance she had seen them doing that morning, that was what Gretchen wanted to do with her! She wasn’t going to leave Homulilly, she had been trying to set up a special night for them, and Homulilly had ruined everything by being a big, stupid, jealous idiot!

[awed-frog]

I just want to say - this is what worked for me, and this is my personal experience, so it’s not a universal truth or anything like that, but since I’ve been accused, again, of inducing a panic attack in someone, I thought I’d share.

[suicide stuff under the cut]

So, the thing is, I’ve been luckier than most - I know that, and I am truly thankful for it. Nonetheless, I’ve still gone through episodes of abuse and depression and general life misery. The event that likely marked me the most occurred twelve years ago, almost to the day (the anniversary was last month), when a friend of mine committed suicide and I was forced to deal with the consequences. That included telling everyone (friends, relatives, our professors, his girlfriend), speaking with the police, and also accompanying his father to a funeral home to pick a casket and arrange trasportation and try to be there for him as he fell apart over his son’s dead body. For reasons I won’t go into now, despite the fact I was a kid myself, it was all on me. It was a horrendous few days which stretched into an awful summer and a difficult couple of years after that. I went through the usual stages - I was angry with my friend for a long time - but this post is not about that. What I meant to say is - I was in a bad place for months after his death. I couldn’t study, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sleep. I could barely leave the house. It was hard being with people and it was hard being alone. I was lower than low, and most things would reduce me to a sobbing mess. And the reason I’m telling you guys this is because I think that, in a way, the turning point for me was going to the theater with my mom - she’d chosen a comedy, it was the first time I’d been out of my bedroom in weeks - and, I don’t know - things went okay for about twenty minutes before someone made a fleeting reference to a 19-year-old cousin who’d died in a car crash - and, since my friend had been 19 himself, I was immediately overcome with tears and had to run out of the theater. My mother followed me, and on the way home I think I insulted her and shouted at her for forcing me to go to the movie - and she just took it, without saying anything. The next morning, however, she told me that my behaviour had been out of line. 

(“I understand that things are difficult right now, and you feel everything is about you and your pain, but unfortunately that’s not true. The world is not about you, and you can’t be angry at it for not conforming to your needs. I will help you in every way I can to get past this, but this is something you must acknowledge.”)

Man, it’s difficult to think back to that summer, and I’m not sure if this will be useful to anyone, but the thing is, my mom was right. I was so miserable and broken inside that I could be pushed over the edge by anything - one line in a comedy movie, a waitress mixing up my order, the wrong photograph in the paper, the colour blue (his eyes), foxes (he’d been in love with Le petit prince), a certain brand of tea, people crying, people laughing, people doing literally anything - and my grief had been made worse by the sheer fury I felt - by the fact the entire world could so unthinkingly push painful things under my nose day in, day out - could make me start to grieve all over again without even trying - but those words made me realize I was going about things the wrong way. It was unfair, maddening, and hard to accept, but - my mom was right. My mom was right. And so, as difficult as it was, from that day on, and for months, I did my best to stay away from everything I didn’t know (and, therefore, from things that could hurt me). I didn’t read any newspapers and didn’t watch the news (which was a huge sacrifice), I didn’t start any new novels or movies (ditto), I didn’t even see all that many people, and not anyone who didn’t know what was going on with me. In fact, I limited my world to things I knew and trusted wouldn’t set me off - old children’s books, a dozen of movies I knew by heart, some embroidering. And I waited. And waited. And waited some more. And eventually, slowly, painfully, I got better. I got over the paralizing sadness, the anger, the huge sense of injustice and missed potential and sheer unfairness that a 19-year-old boy would choose to die (would make me his fucking guardian angel, and way too late to save him). 

Looking back, I realize that’s when I stopped writing fiction, and it’s only because of Supernatural, because of the fanfiction community, that I’ve been back at all, and for that, I am very, very grateful. Writing stories is a huge, crucial part of who I am, and I don’t know how I managed to even breathe during those ten years I didn’t write a word. And, to be completely honest, writing is mostly everything I am, but is also, inevitably, upsetting, because I tend to go as deep as I can in all sort of feelings, and I often touch on some flayed thing inside me that, I don’t know, maybe wasn’t meant to be touched. 

(Or maybe it was.) 

In any case - as I said, precisely because I know what writing these stories does to me, and I know what a profound experience reading can be, I always try to be there for my readers. But as a meta writer and a fic writer who sometimes deals with shitty things because, well, our show’s canon is incredibly shitty, beyond tagging the most problematic things and keeping both my inbox and my email open 24/7 for questions, spoilers, and hugs, there’s not much I can do. So, well, I do my best, and I do not appreciate being accused of ruining someone’s entire life when all I’m doing is writing a story and posting it on AO3 with the appropriate warnings. 

So - please remember that it’s not my responsibility to protect you and look out for you, and, more importantly, that I am not capable of doing so. I’m not in your head - I don’t know your pain, your past, what is too much and what isn’t. I simply do not. As I said, I don’t go out of my way to upset people, and I always encourage readers to come and talk to me, even before reading my fics, if they’ve got any questions about the triggers I listed or the direction the story will move towards, but the thing is, if you’re so upset and affected by non-graphic fanfiction, by innocent discussions about a show’s characters (by the mere existence of a specific character, in fact) - by a whole series of things that are commonly found in the world around you - well, don’t take it out on me, because that’s not on me. Please, look after yourself instead of shouting at me. Take your time, build your walls, ask for support instead of policing my behaviour, and come back to a life of starting new fics and sailing the unpredictable waves of the internet when you know you can take it. I know it worked for me, and I truly hope it will work for you, too. Really - I wish you all the best. 🖤

[holbyconfessional]

Holby City S19 E54-E60

As with the Casualty catch up - since this is SO historical now, I’m going to put the whole lot under a cut, save dashboards!!! Episodes covered are:

S19 E54 - Thicker Than Water

S19 E55 - Things Left Unsaid

S19 E56 - Know Yourself, Know Your Enemy  

S19 E57 - Kingdom Come

S19 E58 - It Has To Be Now

S19 E59 - Hungry Heart 

S19 E60 - Hiding Places

Holby City S19 E54 - Thicker Than Water

So we have more Guiseppe this week.  Yay.  Not.  A Small bowel volvulus couldn't happen to a nicer guy.  Sorry, Raf.

More nefarious Fredrick, shipping in a Swedish patient, then pretending he didn't know her so he could fake diagnose her Pancreatic Pseudocyst and wow everyone with his swift and decisive diagnosis skills.  Not to mention try and make another play to push a clinical trial for his drug.  So glad that Hanssen twigged and called him out on it.  Odious individual.

Ollie and Matteo's competition to be the most interesting was dull, although it did afford Jac a wonderful opportunity to show off her feistiness with her epic line (about Ollie's dullness) 'I'm as shocked as you are!'

In other and most heartbreaking news, Lofty transferred to AAU, and worst of all, Raf proposed to Essie.  I mentally threw things at my TV.

Holby City S19 E55 - Things Left Unsaid

Well, Morven was rather uncharacteristically unkind to Lofty, wasn't she?!  I mean, he may be one of the dullest humans in existence, and aggravatingly cheerful and fair, but still!  Of course, he was going to make a brilliant diagnosis with the hypochondriac patient, thereby showing Morven his worth.  Actually, I'm pretty glad it was something minor, and Morven still got to 'win' too, about the woman being a bit of a time waster.  It may not have avoided the cliche, but it did slightly mitigate it!

Evil Fredrick strikes again with his tenuous grasp on truthfulness and medical ethics, by covering up a psychological issue with a father/son transplant.  HOW is Nina the Snake letting these things happen, how is he getting away with it, with the barest of slapped wrists?  Better not be because of his father, because I'm pretty sure said father wouldn't be putting up with such shenanigans!

So, Nina the Snake is pregnant, and trying to talk to a seemingly uninterested Matteo.  I was pretty uninterested too.

And finally, it's Roxanna's first day.  Somewhat less angst between her and Ollie than expected.  There has been some speculation that she's an early insert, with an ultimate potential goal of being a love interest for Serena somewhen upon her return.  I'm saying now, please god don't let this be true. It's almost impossible now, watching some of the insane pairings they've got going on, or building up.  But that?  I just couldn't.

Holby City S19 E56 - Know Yourself, Know Your Enemy

AKA the day of Ric's inquest at the Coroners Court, into the death of Elaine Warren - where, surprise surprise, it's found that there's a case to answer.  As with any long running show, some story lines are more gripping than others.  I have to say, for the most part, I'm finding this more of a slog than a thrill, but I will say that I really would like to know what happened with the anti-coagulants!  Was it Ric's error?  Did Donna screw up?  Dear lord, I hope it's the latter.  Really not a Donna fan.

So, Amira's back on Darwin.  Why?  Is she considered an interesting character?  I suspect it's more in an attempt to expose some hole in Jac's psyche, since we're clearly being shown that she's struggling with something - hopefully setting us up for a lovely, meaty storyline, and not just the impending romance with Fletch (vomit).

Dom and Fredrick.  I find it interesting and mildly alarming how jealous Fredrick is of Dom.  Of course, he wants to be the most important in his fathers eyes, and he's already been shown to be extremely ruthless and manipulative in order to try and get his own way and climb to the top.   So it's ironic that his behaviour traits and attempts at professional shortcuts should be exactly what set him back in his incredibly rational and fair father's eyes, against Dom's honesty and genuine attempts to be the best he can be, and the best for his patients.  I enjoyed his detective work this episode, diagnosing the Wegener's Granulomatosis (GPA), and I liked his decision to pull it as the case study for his Junior Doctors Award project, in favour of something far more prosaic.   To my mind, it's a nice demonstration of exactly how much Dom has grown as a person and a doctor, and was the perfect offset for Fredrick's showboating.

Holby City S19 E57 - Kingdom Come

Highly stressful, edge of your seat stuff tonight.  Will Holby be closed, in favour of St Francis?  Will all our beloved characters lose their jobs? Maybe not quite as stressful as the producers would like, as I think we can all pretty much assume that somehow, Holby will endure.  But, the episode did afford some good moments for Hanssen - most noteably 1) the opening scene on the roof, 2) a great camera shot of Hanssen standing on Keller as the camera panned along the ward toward him, and 3) Hanssen sitting in his office, with his glasses off.  (I'm not sure why the last one pleases me so, but it does, so there you go!).

I'm always very pro Hanssen heavy storylines, I think he's an exceptional character.  With this one, I was also pretty delighted that in some part, it was the underrated Sacha who saved the day, with his innovative idea of implementing SAINT (post-surgical accelerated independence using novel technology).  Loved the final scene with Hanssen acknowledging Sacha's importance to him and the hospital, over a drink.

Jeremy Warren is back, wanting his mothers notes from Donna.  HOW is Donna so stupid as to keep entertaining him?  Surely she realises at this stage that she's putting herself, the hospital, the case itself in danger by continuing to keep in contact with him?!

Also the return of one of my favourite patients, Mr James.  He has the best lines, and excellent delivery.  His speech about Matteo's hair was just classic, I bet he's a dream to write for.

Other moments included Ollie's wedding ring, lots of posturing by evil Fredrick, but special acting credit MUST go to Matteo's red trainers, which stole every scene they were in!

Holby City S19 E58 - It Has To Be Now

Oh, what fun.  We were forced to rewatch Raf's proposal to Essie in the pre credits. Ouch. Followed by a post credit dramatic running scene which is supposed to remain us we love Ollie (although I'm sorry to say, black hoodie aside, he definitely lost cool points IMO).  Which was then supposed to help us remember that we hate Roxanna, because not only did she kill Ollie's wife, but she's also trying to steal his project funding.  Oh, but whoops.  Her project is on Alzheimers, and hey, her super talented surgeon husband has Alzheimers, so all of a sudden, she's not The Bad Guy, and we (and Ollie) want her to get the funding, because she and her husband deserve it...

And here's where I stop being sarcastic and flippant, because as hackneyed as the storyline is, I don't consider dementia of any form to be a laughing matter, having personally seen what it can do to a loved one.   And I can begin in the smallest way to imagine the pain of what she and her husband must be feeling.  But, it doesn't change the fact that for me, this entire story was so heavily signposted that it kind of lost impact.

Oh, holy shitbags.  Not only did Raf and Essie get engaged, but now they blinking well got married.  On the one hand, I thank goodness that it was off screen and I didn't have to watch it, but on the other, EW!   Couldn't they have had their 2 episodes of happiness, then suffered a monumental breakup, or the death of a close family member which would leave one of them angry, depressed, drinking too much and lashing out at colleagues, before buggering off to a vineyard in France, whilst the other went to do humanitarian work with the army?  Oh, whoops, wrong pairing...  But poor, poor Sacha.

Ooh, Morven and her mother.  Not a shining example of maternal glory to my mind.  Personally, I'm thinking Morven is SO much better off without her.

Holby City S19 E59 - Hungry Heart

Ooh, lashings of evil Fredrick.  Undermining Dom to Henrik, Sacha to the pathologically honest patient's girlfriend, then finally 'accidentally' telling Matteo about Nina the Snake's pregnancy.  Such an unbelievably unlikeable character.  There was a little celebration in my soul when Henrik told him that there was a recruitment freeze, which would prevent him from applying for a registrar's post.  Karma?!  So, Hanssen thinks Fredrick should go back to Sweden (well, don't we all?  Except perhaps his poor wife, who I, for one, seem to have horridly misunderstood!)

So, we got one teeny tiny scene where Lofty visited Dom, and gave him a super squishy hug of congratulations.  Gotta keep the memory of that not-quite relationship lurking somewhere in the viewers mind, so it's ripe for revisiting.  Right?

Lots of Ric drama.  I have to say, I loved Morven's supportiveness, inviting him for coffee.  Such a nice change from Donna's hounding.  Ric may have been a mentor and friend to her, but last I checked, that doesn't automatically mean she has the right to invade every corner of his life, and to know every move he makes.  I felt really angry when she was hounding him about where he was when Jeremy's mother died.  She wants to know why he won't tell her?  Well, perhaps it's because it's none of her ****ing business!!!

COTWs, WAG with appendicitis, and the slightly more interesting kid with a funky neck, who passed out every time he looked to the side too quickly.

Holby City S19 E60 - Hiding Places

I'm afraid I found this episode rather dull.  More of the Ric/Donna/Jeremy debacle, and I find myself no clearer as to why Donna persists in hanging around with Jeremy in the face of his allegations.  Ric is supposedly her friend.  I get that she doesn't know what actually happened, so she doesn't know for sure that he is completely innocent, and I get that she feels some level of empathy toward Jeremy for his loss - BUT, Ric is supposed to be her friend, and she truly believes he is an excellent doctor and surgeon, and she also believes in human error, so why is she not supporting Ric more?  (I'd just like to qualify at this point that I don't mean by lying for him).  And even more to the point, surely her continuing interaction with Jeremy is actually detrimental to the court case?  At least Jac stood up for Ric, even if it was in an inappropriate way.  And ooh, look, seems like Jeremy is going to try and squeeze a second court case out of it!  

On the one hand, I believe in justice.  But on the other, I think this litiginous society in which we live is insane.

So, Fredrick is indeed gone.  But is it for good?  (Please be yes, please be yes....)

Nina and Matteo and the baby.  I shall sum up my thoughts into a single word.  YAWN.

So, this episode had a patient naming dogs after staff based on their personality traits.  Oh, how I chortled and slapped my thigh.

Mildly interesting thread - the unravelling of Jac.  Awesome, awesome character.

[pprettyvisitrs]

“My oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, “My greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was twelve, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did.” Then she added with a smile. “I’m glad you guys figured things out.”

For years my wife Keri and I struggled. Looking back, I’m not exactly sure what initially drew us together, but our personalities didn’t quite match up. And the longer we were married the more extreme the differences seemed. Encountering “fame and fortune” didn’t make our marriage any easier. In fact, it exacerbated our problems. The tension between us got so bad that going out on book tour became a relief, though it seems we always paid for it on re-entry. Our fighting became so constant that it was difficult to even imagine a peaceful relationship. We became perpetually defensive, building emotional fortresses around our hearts. We were on the edge of divorce and more than once we discussed it.

I was on book tour when things came to a head. We had just had another big fight on the phone and Keri had hung up on me. I was alone and lonely, frustrated and angry. I had reached my limit. That’s when I turned to God. Or turned on God. I don’t know if you could call it prayer–maybe shouting at God isn’t prayer, maybe it is–but whatever I was engaged in I’ll never forget it. I was standing in the shower of the Buckhead, Atlanta Ritz-Carlton yelling at God that marriage was wrong and I couldn’t do it anymore. As much as I hated the idea of divorce, the pain of being together was just too much. I was also confused. I couldn’t figure out why marriage with Keri was so hard. Deep down I knew that Keri was a good person. And I was a good person. So why couldn’t we get along? Why had I married someone so different than me? Why wouldn’t shechange?

Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You can’t change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment I began to pray. If I can’t change her, God, then change me. I prayed late into the night. I prayed the next day on the flight home. I prayed as I walked in the door to a cold wife who barely even acknowledged me. That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other yet miles apart, the inspiration came. I knew what I had to do.

The next morning I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, “How can I make your day better?”

Keri looked at me angrily. “What?”

“How can I make your day better?”

“You can’t,” she said. “Why are you asking that?”

“Because I mean it,” I said. “I just want to know what I can do to make your day better.”

She looked at me cynically. “You want to do something? Go clean the kitchen.”

She likely expected me to get mad. Instead I just nodded. “Okay.” I got up and cleaned the kitchen.

The next day I asked the same thing. “What can I do to make your day better?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Clean the garage.”

I took a deep breath. I already had a busy day and I knew she had made the request in spite. I was tempted to blow up at her. Instead I said, “Okay.” I got up and for the next two hours cleaned the garage. Keri wasn’t sure what to think.

The next morning came. “What can I do to make your day better?”

“Nothing!” she said. “You can’t do anything. Please stop saying that.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “But I can’t. I made a commitment to myself. What can I do to make your day better?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I care about you,” I said. “And our marriage.”

The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. Then, during the second week, a miracle occurred. As I asked the question Keri’s eyes welled up with tears. Then she broke down crying. When she could speak she said, “Please stop asking me that. You’re not the problem. I am. I’m hard to live with. I don’t know why you stay with me.”

I gently lifted her chin until she was looking in my eyes. “It’s because I love you,” I said. “What can I do to make your day better?”

“I should be asking you that.”

“You should,” I said. “But not now. Right now, I need to be the change. You need to know how much you mean to me.”

She put her head against my chest. “I’m sorry I’ve been so mean.”

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you,” she replied.

“What can I do to make your day better?”

She looked at me sweetly. “Can we maybe just spend some time together?”

I smiled. “I’d like that.”

I continued asking for more than a month. And things did change. The fighting stopped. Then Keri began asking, “What do you need from me? How can I be a better wife?”

The walls between us fell. We began having meaningful discussions on what we wanted from life and how we could make each other happier. No, we didn’t solve all our problems. I can’t even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our fights changed. Not only were they becoming more and more rare, they lacked the energy they’d once had. We’d deprived them of oxygen. We just didn’t have it in us to hurt each other anymore.

Keri and I have now been married for more than thirty years. I not only love my wife, I like her. I like being with her. I crave her. I need her. Many of our differences have become strengths and the others don’t really matter. We’ve learned how to take care of each other and, more importantly, we’ve gained the desire to do so.

Marriage is hard. But so is parenthood and keeping fit and writing books and everything else important and worthwhile in my life. To have a partner in life is a remarkable gift. I’ve also learned that the institution of marriage can help heal us of our most unlovable parts. And we all have unlovable parts.

Through time I’ve learned that our experience was an illustration of a much larger lesson about marriage. The question everyone in a committed relationship should ask their significant other is, “What can I do to make your life better?” That is love. Romance novels (and I’ve written a few) are all about desire and happily-ever-after, but happily-ever-after doesn’t come from desire–at least not the kind portrayed in most pulp romances. Real love is not to desire a person, but to truly desire their happiness–sometimes, even, at the expense of our own happiness. Real love is not to make another person a carbon copy of one’s self. It is to expand our own capabilities of tolerance and caring, to actively seek another’s well being. All else is simply a charade of self-interest.

I’m not saying that what happened to Keri and me will work for everyone. I’m not even claiming that all marriages should be saved. But for me, I am incredibly grateful for the inspiration that came to me that day so long ago. I’m grateful that my family is still intact and that I still have my wife, my best friend, in bed next to me when I wake in the morning. And I’m grateful that even now, decades later, every now and then, one of us will still roll over and say, “What can I do to make your day better.” Being on either side of that question is something worth waking up for.”