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Andrey Surnov evening traffic

more art by Andrey Surnov

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26.02.22 19.15 the one about a grain

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5/01/22 the one when I felt sad for the first time in a while.

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The one where love is overrated and ubiquitous, but it could be nice if you gave it a chance.

27.07.2021 10.28

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the one where her ‘M’ looked like a peace sign with the thumb.

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Perspective. life is perspective. life is living in the present and being grateful for the past because it informs your present and shapes your future. life is being grateful for the possibilities instead of spiteful for your limitations and hardships (2 corinthians 4:16-18, Isaiah 41:10). life is trusting in God and the plan He has for you (proverbs 3:5-6, jeremiah 1:5). life is sharing your doubts and worries and shame and guilt with the lord and your loved ones who would never judge you or make you feel less than (1 corinthians 15:40-41). Life is choosing yourself over and over again, even when others don’t choose you. Life is keeping your ego in check and not losing yourself along the journey (luke 9:25). life is being brave enough to be bad at something new. Life is recognising there are so many parts of you to meet still. life is leaning on God when you’re scared to walk forward (deuteronomy 31:6,8). life is enduring the pain (romans 5:3-5). life is forgiving yourself for your mistakes and forgiving others who intentionally or unintentionally did harm to you (ephesians 4:31-32). Life is knowing everybody is learning just like you are. life is knowing nobody is perfect and everybody is fallible (luke 6:37-38). life is making choices that help you build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from. life is loving yourself so fiercely that others know exactly how it should be done. Life is loving those who are hard to love (romans 13:10, john 13:34). life is distinguishing those who want to be a part of your life and those who deserve to be a part of your life. life is valuing your time and who you spend it with. life is measured by the strength of your spiritual reserve and not the model of your phone or car (luke 12:15). life is accepting and owning your flaws and insecurities (psalms 23:1-2). life is knowing life is filled with bullshit (1 john 2:15-16) and hurt, but not letting it harden you and make you cynical (1 corinthians 13:13). life is choosing to focus on the good over the bad, even if there’s more bad than the good. life is perspective (leviticus 26:1-46, 1 john 4:16, romans 8:18, john 4:14) 30.04.2021 11:49

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From the side, the man’s facial expression is note quite discernible, but he seems to be in deep thought. This man is dressed in plain black dress pants and a dark grey windcheater zipped up just high enough for his crisp, white collar and silver toned teal tie to peak through. Judging from his professional attire and dark brown leather satchel, he seems like an important person who carried out important work at an important company today. In his right hand, he’s holding a reasonably sized bunch of bananas; not Cavanaugh but Lady Fingers--the one's with red wax dipped on the ends. He stands with a tall yet slightly slouched stature while his eyes tentatively evaluate the vast array of nuts and dried fruit compartmentalised in perfect, plastic containers in front of his Armani spectacles. He's suffering the classic, 'Paradox of Choice', as they call it.

“Excuse me.”

Out of nowhere, a young woman assertively interjects the man’s equanimity. She’s sporting a navy pinafore over an ecru turtleneck and has skin like a porcelain doll.

She reaches past him to take two generous scoops of French Vanilla Almonds. Without a skerrick of hesitation, she places her sealed nuts on the silver scale and punches the product identification number on the touch screen like an automaton—976. The machine spits out a yellow sticker with a price and barcode, which she swiftly sticks onto her zip-lock sealed bag. She then pivots in her gold and white Adidas superstar sneakers and strides away to the bakery section.

Clearly startled by the extraordinary efficiency of the young woman, the man gets to work. He makes two selections: a small scoop of passionfruit and chia seed pieces and another small scoop of blackcurrant and chia seed pieces.

06/17

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When i feel like I’m not enough. I remember that I am.  that i took the time to help Aom and the grandma that stood at the corner street this afternoon, unable to walk. dad would be proud of the person I’ve become. she who always puts in the effort to be a good person. And not expect anything in return or wait to boast about it. Dad would be proud of my leadership and charisma. The way I use my voice when I need to, but listen more than I talk.  dad would be proud that i take the time to observe the world around me, and assert myself with humour and compassion. And always smile at strangers. Ask how their day is going. Being friendly never hurt anyone.  He’d be proud knowing her daughter isnt caught up in the background noise. mum would be proud of me and who I’ve become. My independence and self-awareness. My tenderness and strength of character. A young woman who knows her self-worth and her boundaries; who doesn’t settle for less. my values my morals. My open-mindedness. She would be proud of how I am my own person with my own opinions and ideas. Someone who speaks up when something isn’t right. Who doesn’t cower and conform to the majority. My brother would be proud of my ambitions, that day in and day out, i try hard to out-grow myself and never see the limit. That I write goals on my whiteboard and look at them over and over again and persevere to try to achieve them. mum and dad and jason would be proud of the person I am today. Of my patience, my strength of character, my goodwill, my humour and quick wittedness, my grit, my creativity and my ambitions. My humility. My modest achievements. How I stand up for myself and know my worth. When I feel like I have nothing to offer, I remember that I have things people wished they had. self-confidence. unwavering kindness. Life experiences more colourful than two persons combined. That my presence alone makes people happy and is enough. When I feel like I’m not enough. I remember that I am. 

<4.07.2019>

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Dear Sydney,

I met you again a couple months after I turned 18, when I was doe-eyed, pale skinned and so hungry for a re-connection with the land I said goodbye to when I was six. My memory of you was a montage of $1 spider-drinks in the scorching summer at lunch times; silver tinsel for Christmas recital in kindergarten and spilt yogurt on my winter school dress while running up the stairs during recess at Burnside Public School. You were three things wrapped up as one: a familiar place, a new place and a place far from my home back in Victoria, a place that I outgrew. You were a symbol of everything I wanted during my adolescence: challenging and different. With you I reached rock bottom. With you I reached my peak summit. With you I felt lonely. With you I pushed my boundaries. With you I matured quickly. With you I failed. With you I won. With you I burnt out. With you I recovered. With you I was inspired. With you I reached for the stars. And with you, I hope to stay. 

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13.11.2020 

back sweat

pain

red face

endorphins

connect the cuts

psychology ramble

cold water

white fibre towel

water droplets

white shirt

spf

sunny day

choccy milk 

nut bars 

future talk

resume edits

mentees

dyed hair

school ovals

smiling strangers

letter in the mail

grilled chicken

laughing in the kitchen

green beans

messages from erica

heart of joy

resting

breathing

living.

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Carol Marine

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“My oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, “My greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was twelve, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did.” Then she added with a smile. “I’m glad you guys figured things out.”

For years my wife Keri and I struggled. Looking back, I’m not exactly sure what initially drew us together, but our personalities didn’t quite match up. And the longer we were married the more extreme the differences seemed. Encountering “fame and fortune” didn’t make our marriage any easier. In fact, it exacerbated our problems. The tension between us got so bad that going out on book tour became a relief, though it seems we always paid for it on re-entry. Our fighting became so constant that it was difficult to even imagine a peaceful relationship. We became perpetually defensive, building emotional fortresses around our hearts. We were on the edge of divorce and more than once we discussed it.

I was on book tour when things came to a head. We had just had another big fight on the phone and Keri had hung up on me. I was alone and lonely, frustrated and angry. I had reached my limit. That’s when I turned to God. Or turned on God. I don’t know if you could call it prayer–maybe shouting at God isn’t prayer, maybe it is–but whatever I was engaged in I’ll never forget it. I was standing in the shower of the Buckhead, Atlanta Ritz-Carlton yelling at God that marriage was wrong and I couldn’t do it anymore. As much as I hated the idea of divorce, the pain of being together was just too much. I was also confused. I couldn’t figure out why marriage with Keri was so hard. Deep down I knew that Keri was a good person. And I was a good person. So why couldn’t we get along? Why had I married someone so different than me? Why wouldn’t shechange?

Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You can’t change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment I began to pray. If I can’t change her, God, then change me. I prayed late into the night. I prayed the next day on the flight home. I prayed as I walked in the door to a cold wife who barely even acknowledged me. That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other yet miles apart, the inspiration came. I knew what I had to do.

The next morning I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, “How can I make your day better?”

Keri looked at me angrily. “What?”

“How can I make your day better?”

“You can’t,” she said. “Why are you asking that?”

“Because I mean it,” I said. “I just want to know what I can do to make your day better.”

She looked at me cynically. “You want to do something? Go clean the kitchen.”

She likely expected me to get mad. Instead I just nodded. “Okay.” I got up and cleaned the kitchen.

The next day I asked the same thing. “What can I do to make your day better?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Clean the garage.”

I took a deep breath. I already had a busy day and I knew she had made the request in spite. I was tempted to blow up at her. Instead I said, “Okay.” I got up and for the next two hours cleaned the garage. Keri wasn’t sure what to think.

The next morning came. “What can I do to make your day better?”

“Nothing!” she said. “You can’t do anything. Please stop saying that.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “But I can’t. I made a commitment to myself. What can I do to make your day better?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I care about you,” I said. “And our marriage.”

The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. Then, during the second week, a miracle occurred. As I asked the question Keri’s eyes welled up with tears. Then she broke down crying. When she could speak she said, “Please stop asking me that. You’re not the problem. I am. I’m hard to live with. I don’t know why you stay with me.”

I gently lifted her chin until she was looking in my eyes. “It’s because I love you,” I said. “What can I do to make your day better?”

“I should be asking you that.”

“You should,” I said. “But not now. Right now, I need to be the change. You need to know how much you mean to me.”

She put her head against my chest. “I’m sorry I’ve been so mean.”

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you,” she replied.

“What can I do to make your day better?”

She looked at me sweetly. “Can we maybe just spend some time together?”

I smiled. “I’d like that.”

I continued asking for more than a month. And things did change. The fighting stopped. Then Keri began asking, “What do you need from me? How can I be a better wife?”

The walls between us fell. We began having meaningful discussions on what we wanted from life and how we could make each other happier. No, we didn’t solve all our problems. I can’t even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our fights changed. Not only were they becoming more and more rare, they lacked the energy they’d once had. We’d deprived them of oxygen. We just didn’t have it in us to hurt each other anymore.

Keri and I have now been married for more than thirty years. I not only love my wife, I like her. I like being with her. I crave her. I need her. Many of our differences have become strengths and the others don’t really matter. We’ve learned how to take care of each other and, more importantly, we’ve gained the desire to do so.

Marriage is hard. But so is parenthood and keeping fit and writing books and everything else important and worthwhile in my life. To have a partner in life is a remarkable gift. I’ve also learned that the institution of marriage can help heal us of our most unlovable parts. And we all have unlovable parts.

Through time I’ve learned that our experience was an illustration of a much larger lesson about marriage. The question everyone in a committed relationship should ask their significant other is, “What can I do to make your life better?” That is love. Romance novels (and I’ve written a few) are all about desire and happily-ever-after, but happily-ever-after doesn’t come from desire–at least not the kind portrayed in most pulp romances. Real love is not to desire a person, but to truly desire their happiness–sometimes, even, at the expense of our own happiness. Real love is not to make another person a carbon copy of one’s self. It is to expand our own capabilities of tolerance and caring, to actively seek another’s well being. All else is simply a charade of self-interest.

I’m not saying that what happened to Keri and me will work for everyone. I’m not even claiming that all marriages should be saved. But for me, I am incredibly grateful for the inspiration that came to me that day so long ago. I’m grateful that my family is still intact and that I still have my wife, my best friend, in bed next to me when I wake in the morning. And I’m grateful that even now, decades later, every now and then, one of us will still roll over and say, “What can I do to make your day better.” Being on either side of that question is something worth waking up for.”

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“The best relationship advice I ever got came from my sweet friends Bill and Kyle as I cried to them over a boy. I was so in love with this person I’d broken up with, and I couldn’t imagine ever feeling that way about anyone else.

Kyle said, “Take it from me. You are going to have a million of these. Those feelings you think came from someone else came from YOU. You created them. And you’ll do it again.”

My friend William Beteet III said: “You’ve had two major relationships in your life, and both of them were soulmates. It wasn’t an accident. The common denominator is you.”

These were facepalm epiphany moments for me. Think of it this way: MDMA doesn’t produce dopamine; your brain does. Magic mushrooms are just gross-tasting fungi without your mind to make you trip. This means that, theoretically, those experiences are ALWAYS available to you because it was you who alchemized them in the first place.

Love is exactly the same. That drunken love high wasn’t beamed into you by someone else—it was yours in the first place and yours all along. You are your own dealer and the consumer of your drug. This is why we can still feel bowled over with love for an ex despite their absence, and why a new person can provoke the same response.

The experience of love begins and ends with you. Your broken heart will heal, and when it does you will realize it was perfect this whole time.”

-Karen Margolis

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29.08.2019 9:07