#i'm always going on and on about how spock doesn't want command because his only wish in life is to be at jim's side ya know. like forever.

[wwillywonka]

SO!!! I FINALLY STARTED THE KILLING TIME AND UUUHH!!!! UUUUUUUHHHH!!!

[onwhatcaptain]

Spirk Meta: Connecting Star Trek SNW & TOS

I'm going to try to connect TOS and SNW's character arcs for Kirk and Spock's relationship with one another. This is part analysis and part prediction of where the writers are headed in shaping SNW into the TOS narrative.

With the most recent SNW episode, I think it's really fascinating that Spock is coping with the consequences of his attraction to Chapel and infidelity to T'Pring, while Kirk reacts to his attraction to La'an by showing a strong sense of loyalty to Carol.

I've been discussing with friends and they believe the two situations aren't comparable. However, I believe they're not only comparable, the writers completely intended them to be compared.

Spock has always served as a foil to Kirk. If you've seen TOS, you know this is true. Spock is logical, Kirk is unpredictable, and so forth. I don't really need to go into details about this, it's been explained to death. For me, it says a lot that in SNW E9, Spock is uncertain of who he is as a person and Kirk is uncertain of who he's meant to become as a commander.

Kirk has his mind on command, hence his discussion with Una, where he concludes that he needs to connect with people. That's the point of that song. Meanwhile, Spock's takeaway from his song is that he needs to specifically stop connecting with others on a personal level because it was a mistake to do so. It's a very internal-facing narrative, as it should be. But as we know, it doesn't work out that easy. For either of them. Ultimately, Spock does connect to people and finds himself emotionally compromised, and Kirk has trouble getting close to others. But Kirk is looking outward for answers, to other people, while Spock looks inward. To me, this extends to how they cope with difficult relationships, problems, and each other.

Kirk, like Spock, is attracted to someone he's not in a relationship with in this season. He clearly feels something with La'an but explicitly chooses not to pursue it seriously because he's in a relationship (some of the time) with Carol Marcus, who is having his child. Spock, on the other hand, says he wants to feel at this time. He doesn't want to let his relationship get in the way of experiencing something new with Christine Chapel, even at the detriment of his core beliefs. The really interesting thing about this is that these two characters arrive at the same conclusion even by making different choices. They both end up incredibly lonely, a major thematic arc for both men throughout TOS.

How they react at these crucial moments in SNW is a representation of their priorities in relationships, in life, and how they even become with one another. Kirk is married to the idea of command, costing him his relationships to other people. Spock is so deeply internally focused that he only has a few real friends by the time TOS rolls around, and can't accept that he cares about them, always couching it in terms of duty and obligation.

Spock essentially thinks, I need to not get close to people because I'll be hurt by those people. Kirk thinks, I need to get close to people where it matters, for command, but not so close that I'll hurt them. This ends up with both of them being painfully reticent to connect with anyone, to the point where in The Final Frontier, Kirk thinks he has no family.

MCCOY: It's a mystery what draws us together. All that time in space getting on each other's nerves and what do we do when shore leave comes along? We spend it together. Other people have families.

KIRK: Other people, Bones. Not us.

He eventually changes his mind by the end of the film, but you can see that this theme of loneliness goes all the way from SNW to nearly the end of their lives. Kirk's conclusion at the end of the film is that McCoy and Spock are his family.

But we see this idea of loneliness repeat so often that Kirk has a several ex girlfriends in TOS show up, all on good terms with him except one who we won't talk about here. Spock, on the other hand, has mostly closed himself off to relationships of all kinds by TOS, even shaming himself for whatever it is he actually feels for Jim, who is his best friend at that point. And they both fight this loneliness aggressively in TOS and the films. Spock insists he feels shame for his friendship with Kirk, Kirk feels like his ship owns him and he can't have anyone in his life. This excerpt from The Naked Time, which I abridged significantly since there was a lot of interspersed discussion about physics, is revealing:

SPOCK: My mother. I could never tell her I loved her. An Earth woman, living on a planet where love, emotion, is bad taste. I respected my father, our customs. I was ashamed of my Earth blood. Jim, when I feel friendship for you, I'm ashamed. Understand, Jim. I've spent a whole lifetime learning to hide my feelings. KIRK: I've got it, the disease. Love. You're better off without it, and I'm better off without mine. This vessel, I give, she takes. She won't permit me my life. I've got to live hers. I have a beautiful yeoman. Have you noticed her, Mister Spock? You're allowed to notice her. The Captain's not permitted. Now I know why it's called she. Flesh woman to touch, to hold. A beach to walk on. A few days, no braid on my shoulder.

They're both completely focused on their inability to love people. Spock is focused on talking about how he can't because of his identity, and Kirk is talking about how he can't because of his job. We even see Spock turn down an appeal from Chapel, as Chapel turns him down here. These two episodes have major parallels.

Just like in Subspace Rhapsody, Spock is thinking of himself, his faults, his issues, and Kirk is thinking about how he never stays in one place long enough to love someone. I think this sense of inability to experience deep love is actually setting up their friendship arc. Obviously, they eventually do love each other (in some way or the other). But it begins at what is clearly friendship, and notably, Kirk is eventually able to look past his marriage to command for Spock, and Spock is able to look past his reticence to relationships for Kirk (see Amok Time).

What's of interest to me is that we don't know how Spock and Kirk become close in the first place, but we will. It's clear they're very close friends by TOS, but in SNW currently, we haven't got an inkling of how that forms. My take on it is that it forms because of their respective struggles to connect with people. They're both struggling in precisely the same way: neither of them thinks they can or should get too close to people. For one another, they act as the only person they're able to completely let their guard down with. And that's possibly how they get close; that's the basis on which their relationship forms. They trust each other. Because they think they're not allowed to have or experience love, they end up more or less using one another as a stand-in for that need. In doing so, it brings us full circle. Kirk and Carol have a conversation about their relationship briefly in The Wrath of Khan.

KIRK: I did what you wanted. I stayed away. Why didn't you tell him? CAROL: How can you ask me that? Were we together? Were we going to be? You had your world and I had mine. And I wanted him in mine, not chasing through the universe with his father. Actually, he's a lot like you. In many ways. Please tell me what you're feeling. KIRK: There's a man out there I haven't seen in fifteen years who's trying to kill me. You show me a son that'd be happy to help him. My son. My life that could have been, and wasn't. And what am I feeling? Old. Worn out.

Kirk is terrified of aging. In this film, his past has come knocking, the same past SNW is exploring now. He's terrified of growing old and he's terrified he made the wrong decision when he was younger. I'd argue that that's because it's led to him feeling deeply alone, to the point where McCoy says they're treating his birthday like a funeral. Kirk not only feels like he belongs out in space because it's where he's meant to be, but because he doesn't feel so deeply alone, so much like a fish out of water, when he's out there adventuring. So he second guesses himself here: what have my choices cost me? Should I have not gone on to become who I am?

And the answer to that for him is no. This all ties together when Spock dies to save the ship at the end of this film. It's only in a few places in TOS and then finally here where Spock is able to talk openly about friendship and love:

SPOCK: I have been and always shall be your friend. Live long and prosper.

Kirk is devastated but while grieving, he can't help but feel young. And even then, feeling young isn't enough, because he can't stand not being in control, which we see in the next several films. He essentially can't handle life without command or without Spock.

SNW is attempting to bring us full circle on The Wrath of Khan and its cast. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the character arcs we will eventually be given by the writers of SNW between Kirk and Spock is completely bookended by their feelings of loneliness, self doubt, and connection with others beginning from this episode through the TOS films. It's extremely interesting that they choose to do this on the SNW end by showing us where Kirk and Spock are both failing in their respective relationships with others and how they grow into that with one another, only to experience violent ups and downs throughout the films as they finally try to come to terms with who they really are as people, and who they really are as friends.

I'm interested to see how that will begin from season 3 onwards.

[starseneyes]

Spock / Nurse Christine Chapel - Star Trek: Strange New Worlds S2 Ep 1

Yes, folks, I am back with more Meta analysis of my unexpected-but-welcomed favorite ship of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds. If you missed my Season 1 Meta, here's a handy link to my Spock/ Chapel fun!

Yes, we know from the TOS timeline that it all ends in tears. But I'm still wildly invested because Ethan Peck and Jess Bush are crushing these compelling scripts. If you're like me, you're going to have a blast with this one!

I hadn't decided if I was going to post weekly or all at once, but the poll was overwhelmingly for weekly. So, the weeks we get solid Spock/Chapel, I'll post a Meta. If it's borderline, I'll batch the episodes, instead.

SPOILER ALERT: I'm as liberal with spoilers as Spock is with Blood Wine. Don't click the Read More button if you want to keep your obliviousness intact!

Everyone clear on how this works? Huzzah! Let's dive in.

The Broken Circle

Feeling All the Feels in Sickbay

Spock sits in the observation area with Dr. M'Benga, still reeling from the events of the Gorn. It reminds me of T'Pol confiding in Dr. Phlox on Enterprise. Both Vulcans found themselves in similar situations—usually carefully-guarded emotions unleashed.

And both will have to learn to live with it.

For T'Pol, a part of her enjoyment of emotions was the new intimacy she found with Commander Tucker—Trip. For Spock, his growing attraction to Nurse Chapel is torture.

But I love the set up of Dr. M'Benga as confidant. He is the only one who knows both sides of what's happening, here, even if he doesn't have the details.

All of Spock and Christine's more intimate moments prior to this episode have been in a bottle, so-to-speak. Yes, T'Pring and the Serene Squal crew witnessed the fake-out-not-so-fake kiss.

But T'Pring wrote it off as part of deception, as did most of the crew (save Angel, who was actually paying attention).

None of the Enterprise crew was there to witness their lip-lock and subsequent unease. Nobody was listening in on their conversation in Sick Bay later. When she held him in the corridor, everyone else was at the wake for Hemmer.

To this point, Christine hasn't even spoken to Erica about Spock. She's kept it bottled up inside.

But Dr. M'Benga is observant. And he has a whole array of sensors (or sen-sores, if you're Spock) on our half-Vulcan/half-human boy.

As Spock plays notes and cords his fingers remembering the fundamentals of mathematics and music taught as a child, Dr. M'Benga monitors. Yes, that's helping. His heart rate is going down.

Until, whooosh, she walks back into Spock's life. And his heart rate shoots up. The discordant note rings out as Dr. M'Benga looks back to the monitor.

Spock's eyes follow and he awkwardly stands, trying to right the askew chair without looking back at it.

Chapel greets him without emotion.

"Lieutenant."

This is even more divorced from intimacy than her typical, "Mr. Spock". Because now they both know he has a growing attraction to her.

Before the hallway in 1x09, I think we could argue that Spock was not completely aware of it. Yes, he felt things in 1x07 with that kiss. But both T'Pring and Christine told him what he wanted to hear—it's not possible for him to have feelings for her.

But as he wrestled with the floodgate of emotions overwhelming him during Hemmer's wake, it was Christine who was there for him. She enveloped him in her arms, offering comfort and respite. She offered herself as a safe space in that moment.

And as they pulled away, I'm convinced they were still holding hands or she was holding his arm, based on how her arm swung as he departed. Spock didn't understand what he was feeling as he looked at her, but he knew he was feeling.

Spock made the choice to walk away that day because he knew he wanted to kiss her. And she knew it, too.

Christine has always been the one to put up hard blocks between them. He's a shipmate, and I doubt she sleeps with shipmates in her quest to avoid attachments. She certainly didn't want to be on Dever's ship!

And I get the impression she doesn't want to be the other woman. She doesn't even want a real relationship. They terrify her.

But Spock's a relationship guy. She already knows that because he's bloody engaged. So, she's going to do everything she can to create distance between them... even though we all know she feels something for him, too.

The awkward chair adjusted, Spock excuses himself. Christine's eyes follow him long after he's walked out the door and down the hall. Yes, she's putting up barriers... but only because she needs them as much as he does.

"Fascinating." "Isn't that typically his line?"

She's still looking his way. This awkwardness sucks because they actually have a pretty decent friendship. But it's necessary to keep the distance.

"It's just that when he saw you, I-" "Don't even." "No. No. I wouldn't."

These two are dear friends who have been through hell together. He knows her so well, and I appreciate that so much in this episode—their beautiful friendship.

I've replayed this scene over and over. I don't think it's likely she's confided in Joseph what happened in the hallway. But, I think she also knows he's got a unique view, here.

And he knows better than to meddle in her love life.

He also knew from the moment she walked in that she had more to discuss than coming on duty. That suggests to me that he properly took a read on the room—whatever this Spock/Christine thing is... it goes both ways.

Remember that as we work through this episode.

The Plan

Spock stands in front of the amassed group, speaking equally in all directions. What stands out is who he has assembled for this conversation. Most of them make perfect sense, right? Folks from the Bridge, the head of Sick Bay.

And Nurse Chapel. None of the other nurses have been invited to this shindig. But no matter what else is going on between them, Spock trusts her. He wants her there, to be someone to offer counsel, if needed, as she always has.

"What plan?" "I would have thought it obvious..."

Christine is standing on the other side of the island, putting some physical space between herself and Spock. But she's leaning toward him—all in.

He looks to her in surprise, then surveys the rest of the group to see if they are also confused. Yup. Spock managed to leave everyone out of his plan even as he's stating it.

"We must steal the Enterprise."

Look at our girl smirk. I saw a bunch of people post, "hijinks!" at that moment in the show, and it made me laugh. We know she's up for some hijinks.

"Stole the Enterprise? ... Wow. I would have lost so many bets." "Yeah, Vulcans can surprise you."

Christine is swelling with pride looking at him right now—her eyes not leaving him during this entire exchange. It was the right call, even if it technically was the wrong one.

And look at Spock staring back like a schoolboy basking in the radiance of his crush's attention. We both know she's been surprised by him on more than one occasion. But this time is different.

This time, he had to disobey a direct order to make the right call. That's a very difficult thing for any person to do, let alone someone who is half-Vulcan. Logically? This was a crazy call.

But it was the right call. And that's fucking sexy.

Also, there's a very personal edge to Christine's line and the way she holds Spock's gaze. This isn't the first time he's surprised her.

I think nothing surprised her more than his hand on her ass and his tongue in her mouth. Like, seriously, the guy can kiss. But, again, that's something only the two of them (from their crew) know about.

Now, others are getting to see just how surprising their resident Vulcan can be.

"Sir. What if Nurse Chapel and Dr. M'Benga on that ship?" "They thought it worth their lives to prevent another war. Logical."

Simultaneously this hurts like hell and feels like warm sunlight after a frigid night. Because from the point of view of everyone on that Bridge, Spock's words are pretty stark.

Void of emotion. Praising their logical choice of self-sacrifice. Ouch.

But we know beneath the surface, there's a volcano churning and waking, just waiting to erupt.

I think it also makes him care for her that little bit more. Not just that she's in danger, but that she's able to make such logical decisions where others might surrender to emotion. I think they're very evenly matched, there, at this point.

Christine shirks emotional attachments and love. She keeps a shield up around her heart and leans into logic. Spock was raised on Vulcan to be a Vulcan—attached to logic and devoid of emotion.

As he is grappling with the emotions unleashed in the wake of losing Hemmer and battling the Gorn, she is struggling to keep a cap on her own emotions—to keep him at a distance when more and more she wishes she could close it.

It's not a lack of desire that keeps them apart. Spock is engaged and doing his best to stay true to the promises he has made. He's never had to struggle to this degree before.

And Christine understands his struggle more than most—she witnessed him wrestling with it after crushing a bulkhead. She knows he struggled with judgment and derision growing up. She knows he doesn't know what to do about this.

So she's making the decisions for them, and that's a good thing.

"Photon torpedoes locked on the federation ship. Full spread. Mr. Spock?"

Watch his face. He knows he needs to order it. He knows what the logical thing to do is. But his emotions are getting in the way, like he feared.

"Not yet. Any signal from Nurse Chapel or Dr. M'Benga?"

And there it is. He's waiting. He's trying to wait it out long enough to give them a chance to escape. To give her a chance to escape.

"Mr. Spock, it's now or never." "Fire photon torpedoes."

The emotion in his voice. He knows this is what he has to do. It's the right call. But this time it feels wrong.

Spock closes his eyes. He can't watch it happen. He can't watch his order destroy the ship where she is.

He can't handle the impact of his emotions swirling and swimming within him, threatening to explode in the Captain's Chair as the False Flag Federation ship does in space.

He killed her. Of course, we know that he didn't. But he believes that in this moment where he chose to do the right thing... he killed her.

And we all saw how destroyed he was with his loosed emotions by losing Hemmer—a friend. Yes, Christine is a friend, but she's also his safe place, his confidant, the first woman he's ever desired in a Human way.

Notice I put that last. Because the connection he and Christine forged was over shared bullying, over her being a good friend and offering advice, over the two of them sharing hijinks and learning to trust one another.

The desire came in later. It's not desire for her that's destroying him right now—it's the severing of one of the deepest connections he's ever made in his life with another soul.

Christine has been there for him. She stood up for him. She helped him. She accepted him. She comforted him. They forged their bond strand by strand, and to have that cord suddenly severed... it's agonizing.

Spock's eyes finally open, and there are tears in his eyes as he beholds the destruction. He's holding back... but barely. It won't take much for those tears to spill.

"Sir, I'm detecting a Federation EV suit transponder."

Hope. It hits him hard, and he leans into it as he stands and strides off the bloody Bridge to meet them in the Transporter Room.

He doesn't know what he'll find when he gets there. It's a single transponder, right? Will he find M'Benga standing there without her? Find Chapel standing without M'Benga?

All he knows is that he has to be there. He can't hear about it secondhand from the Bridge. He needs to see it with his own eyes—whatever he's about to see.

Transporting to Enterprise

Visually, this is a stunning sequence with us wrapped in the transport with M'Benga and Chapel, then settling with Dr. M'Benga as he reaches helplessly for the out-of-focus, unconscious Christine. We're seeing through his eyes—the blurry vision of a friend who's too still.

We're at floor level when Spock rushes into the room. He can see M'Benga clearly moving, but zeroes in on the lifeless Christine.

He kneels on one knee and shakes her shoulders, hoping for a response, for some smart-ass comment. But none come. He shakes, again. Nothing.

He leans down to her lips, hoping to feel the rush of her breath, hear the exhale and inhale of life. But it doesn't come.

Now, I'm not going to get into the science of Spock's actions, because I've seen a lot of discourse about it, and smarter people than I can say what is feasible and not after 45 seconds in space. I'm only going to talk about Spock, Chapel, and M'Benga.

Spock laces his fingers together, and for the first time we see the perspective staring up at him. The voice is distorted—as though heard through a tunnel.

"I waited. I waited. I waited for you."

Oh my gosh. Spock just admitted to her that he held off on destroying that ship and stopping the restart of the war... for her. How very... human.

And, oh, how Spock's heart is breaking right now. He's desperate for her to know that he did what he could... that he didn't want to kill her... that he chose to hold off. He needs her to know.

And he doesn't even fully understand why, yet. I posit he's never experienced romantic love. Marriage to T'Pring is logical. He cares for her, but he does not love her.

He's falling in love with Christine... and he doesn't even realize it. He doesn't understand it. But when he thought she was dead, a part of him was dying, too. It was revived long enough for him to find her... lifeless.

No. This is not how this ends.

"You don't die. You don't die. You do not die."

It's a plea. A wish. A dream. And somewhere in her haze between life and death—she hears him. She feels him. She knows he's there.

A gasp escapes her lips and as it does, Spock collapses to the side, nearly on top of her, his leg that was holding him up as he administered compressions giving out.

The weight is gone. She lives.

His right hand goes to her shoulder, gripping as though releasing her would lead to losing her, once more. His left hand falls the other side of her as he leans on it for balance.

Christine focuses first on getting air back into her bloody lungs. But her second urge is comfort. She sees Spock hovering over her, knows he's the one who brought her back, and can feel his weight against her.

M'Benga smiles to see her breathing, again, and bears the only witness to this interaction (save the Transporter tech, who is apparently somewhere off-camera and not at all bothered by lifeless bodies).

Christine's hands both reach up, but one can't make it past a bent arm. Her right grips onto Spock's left arm, working its way up to cup his face.

Her fingertips graze his Vulcan ear as her thumb wipes away his Human tear. All parts of him, she accepts. And what a beautiful visual representation of that.

Spock is exposed, here. Completely vulnerable. Yes, the block that kept his emotions at bay has been removed. But he makes no attempts to conceal his pain and relief from Christine. He is wholly himself—for better or worse.

And Christine knows him. Much as she fights what is between them, right now, those lines don't matter. Neither of them is pretending.

She sees that even though she's the one who almost died, he's the one who needs comfort. And as her fingers linger as long as her strength remains, she quips.

"Why you gotta be so rough?"

Her hand falls to his shoulder, then his arm, and then down. Her strength is gone, spent on a moment of comfort for Spock... but not wasted. No, never wasted.

Because whatever this is, it's far from one-sided. Yes, they are both running from it, and for good reason. Spock is engaged. Christine doesn't want to tangle with that, or the threat of an actual relationship.

I mean, c'mon, Spock's clearly a relationship guy. That's not what Christine wants at this point at all.

But in this broken moment caught between life and death, they allow themselves that contact they would otherwise shirk—they allow themselves the moment.

SIDE NOTE: The instinct of Jess Bush to wipe that tear away is so fucking perfect. Do I know for certain that it wasn't in the script? No. But looking at the angles, that perfect falling tear isn't always there. So, I like to think Ethan Peck pulled out an amazing performance and Jess Bush's instincts kicked in and we got that stellar shot that says so much. And I'm grateful.

The door opens and others whisk in. Spock straightens, breaking away from the intimacy, but he holds his grip on her shoulder until Uhura's voice breaks through, calling him back to the Bridge.

Have you ever had someone in your life you could break around? Just completely break down and let all the stuff show without worrying about them judging you? That's what Spock's found in Christine.

He gave into that moment. He let the emotion flow. Yes, he's having trouble controlling it, right now, but we see him composed in the very next scene talking to the Klingon Captain. He can rein it in.

But with Christine he doesn't have to. He lets her see his brokenness. Lets her wipe away his tear. Lets her see his hurt.

He doesn't have to be anything in particular when he's around Christine. He doesn't have to worry about being too human or too Vulcan. He can simply be.

"You wanna know the worst thing about living almost forever?" "The loss of those you love." "Oh, you sweet, un-Vulcan Vulcan. No. That's a pain shared by all those who live with even a half-open heart."

This strikes me. Because while I don't know if I'd call what Christine and Spock share "love", yet, it is certainly a form of it.

Spock nearly lost her before they had a chance to figure out what it is. And while we all know it'll end in tears based on the TOS timeline, I'm still strangely addicted to finding out what happens next with these two.

And, not for the last time this episode, someone calls Spock out on being an abnormal Vulcan. And he appears to take ownership over that distinction a little more each scene.

Angel once told him that it wasn't about "what" he is but "who" he is. And though these emotions flowing freely are a pill, they are forcing him to confront that a little faster than he might've.

Sleeping Beauty

Spock stands over her bed, as if holding vigil while she sleeps. She's still recovering, still resting, still recuperating from her time in space. And much as he doesn't understand it, Spock knows he has to be there.

He has to reassure himself that she's living. He has to relive the moment of losing her, getting her back, losing her again, only to bring her back to life with his own hands.

With his words he killed her. With his hands he restored her.

And yet he still cannot believe it until he sees her there, in the flesh.

"Mr. Spock. I didn't hear you come in. Are you alright?"

It's almost a courtesy to even ask. He can tell from the man's posture that he is far from alright. In fact, I feel like M'Benga is almost giving Spock an out... the opportunity to deflect.

But he is still Vulcan... and lying isn't his strong-suit.

"Yes. I just..."

Because physically, he is alright. But emotionally, he's a wreck. M'Benga reaches out, placing a hand on Spock's shoulder. You can see him relax into his emotions just that touch more with the acknowledgement.

"She'll be fine."

She will. It's true. Someone else said it. And we know how much Spock values people telling him what he wants to hear.

But he's still crumbling. Because he knows, now, what it's like to lose her. Yes, it was only for a moment... but that moment destroyed him.

And, look, I'm not trying to be melodramatic. But Spock's emotions are running crazy, and we already saw what he was like losing Hemmer. He was unhinged. He was denting freakin' bulkheads.

He was angry about losing Hemmer. Losing Christine? He was devastated.

Hemmer was a friend. Christine is so much more. So, even though they're destined to burn out and it'll all end in tears... she's a part of him, now.

And losing her—even for a moment—tore into those fresh emotions like a hot knife through flesh. Burning, aching, agonizing.

Scars from something like that don't just disappear—even with dermal regenerators. Spock is going to be feeling the side effects of that moment for a while, yet.

"I'm not... I..."

Words fail him. Because he doesn't know what truth to tell. What truth this is. Because all of this is new, and it's frustrating, and it's confusing, and he's not sure what any of it means.

There isn't a nice, neat formula when it comes to love. It's messy. It's problematic. It's heartbreaking. It's chaotic.

"I have no words for what I feel."

Facing him fully, Spock puts a level of trust in M'Benga, here. And M'Benga sees just how upset Spock really is... to the point of tears.

"Yes," M'Benga breathes as they both look to Christine.

Spock tears himself away, turning over the same should he did when he left Christine in the corridor in 1x09.

The camera zooms in on Christine, turning a little fuzzy around the edges before cross-fading to Spock's fingers on the instrument... an expression of emotion, right?

And right now, he's overwhelmed with emotions for the blonde nurse who stood up for him against a bully. For the woman who refuted his belief that he was broken, and instead offered him comfort. For the person who bonded with him over childhood trauma, but isn't afraid to tell him plain truth when he needs to hear it.

He plays for himself as he tries to let the melody unwind all the tightly wound emotions choking him within.

This episode spent a lot of time establishing Spock's status as "not your typical Vulcan". The Klingon Captain calls it out. Pelia calls it out. And Spock himself affirms it.

He's still a Vulcan... but his humanity does make him unique.

And while M'Benga established that Spock's emotions are heightened due to his Vulcanness, he's approaching therapy from a Human angle—and it's working.

Is Christine Chapel more than a vehicle for Spock to explore his burgeoning emotions? Heck, yeah! I think this episode did a good job of establishing that for the season. A war veteran. A kick-ass fighter. A brave Human willing to give her life to prevent a war.

Yes, there's going to be more Spock/Chapel to come in this season... but the show did a good job of establishing early in episode 1 that there's so much more to her than that.

And even if she's destined to meet her future fiancé on bloody Vulcan (how cruel is that!?), I'm still excited to see what comes of her and her pointy-eared would-be suitor.

Where do we go from here? Heck if I know. But I do know that I'm enjoying the ride.

Thanks for reading! And I hope to see ya on the next.

[blazehedgehog]

You know how characters introduced as a rival to Sonic mirror him in some way? Which ones do you think do the best/worst job of it?

I feel biased because I really like Metal Sonic. He was kind of always this, but they've really leaned into making him this cold, ruthless machine, who, at least according to the comics, secretly questions his own identity.

He is the ultimate evil Sonic: extremely fast, endlessly acrobatic, but with absolutely no heart. All business, no pleasure. He exists to get a job done. And, like, guys like Shadow have their own business going on. Metal Sonic exists for one reason, and one reason alone: be the anti-Sonic.

The worst is hard to pin down because there's so many jobbers. I know people like Sonic 2 GG's Silver Sonic, but I've never been a huge fan of him (he's cute and weird sure, but I dunno). Then there's Pseudo Sonic, from the Adventures of Sonic cartoon.

I'm going to jump into hot water, though, and I want to preface this by saying: I have still not read Sonic the Comic. I am judging these based on very limited information.

(So, so many images incoming)

I really do not like "Sonic Badnik."

This design is such a strange looking mess. It feels like the sort of thing they didn't expect to draw more than once. Like there were no design meetings, it's just, this was it. This was the first draft, right here.

Skimming the rest of the issue, that rings true, given "Sonic Badnik" doesn't even look totally correct page to page.

Details change, colors change, it's like the artist is drawing his own character from memory and he can't remember what it looked like three pages earlier.

It can be forgiven. This was issue four. I don't think anyone was taking the job very seriously yet.

I'm also not a huge fan of Emperor Metallix.

I also don't know tons about Doctor Who, but I understand enough to know this is a Dalek thing. It makes it comparable to all those dumb Archie Sonic comics where they snuck in so many Star Trek and Star Wars references that the upper management supposedly had to lay down rules blocking that kind of material because it was starting to clog up the book.

Also the idea of a big Metal Sonic permanently fused to a big chair doesn't seem very scary, even if he is commanding an army of Metal Sonics. It's sort of like being scared of a refrigerator. Was he even mobile? I suppose if the chair could fly around and had weapons and stuff built into it, maybe that could be scary. I see some images where that's suggested, but I also see images where it looks like he's attached to the floor and walls.

Even if he can fly around, he seems like he basically only exists to pass orders down. That's pretty boring. This guy is a boss only in the sense his employees do all the work.

Also, let's turn the lens back towards Archie: I think Anti-Sonic himself is lame.

Again: it's Archie going back to the well of Star-Trek-isms. Star Trek has the mirror universe, where an evil version of the Enterprise exists, with evil versions of Kirk, Spock, etc. We see Mirror Kirk literally do the nazi salute!

Side note: Mirror Universe TNG is hilarious because everybody is sexy, edgy, and super ripped. It's REALLY dumb, but in the best way.

Anyway, that's literally all Anti Sonic is: he's mirror universe Sonic. He's evil, and we know he's evil because he dresses like a PUNK. That means knee-high boots, a leather jacket, and sunglasses. And that's it. That's his entire personality.

Oh and I guess he lusts after everyone, including Sally's computer, Nicole (notably when she was still just a computer and not yet her own character) and even himself, I guess.

Ian Flynn eventually turned this guy around by changing him into Scourge the Hedgehog, and fleshed out his identity a lot more. I am probably not the first one to note that the current IDW Sonic character Surge the Tenrec feels like a do-over in terms of Scourge the Hedgehog.

Which is basically: an attitude turned up past 11. Both are deeply broken individuals.

But I'm getting off topic: the original Anti-Sonic sucks. He's a one note gimmick, and a bad one.

[systemadministratorclu]

Fandom asks meme

1, 11, 14!

1: list 3 positive things about your current fandom(s)

First, I'm in more obscure fandoms, so there's not much drama. People are more open to different things because they're just happy to see more stuff for the fandom

Second, most everyone I meet is someone that has been in the fandom for a while. People who really do connect with it and care about it (as opposed to people that just stop by while it's popular for a bit, but leave once the hype dies down)

Third, the fan content that exists for my fandoms is amazing. From detailed AUs to just further explaining something from canon to that joke thing someone claims they 'just HAD' to do, it's incredible and I love it.

11: if you're a writer or artist, what fic or piece of art are you proud of making?

Definitely all my stories in The ScholMander Files. There's really only two people that actually care about this series, but I've had so much fun talking with those two people about ideas for my own fics and theirs, and I've really enjoyed writing these. I've probably written more fics for this pairing than any other single author, and I've got more coming. Which leads to....

14: the ship that always makes you smile

There's a few for this, and a lot of it has to do with RPs here. It's a tie for me between:

☆ ScholMander (Milo Thatch/Commander Rourke from Atlantis: the Lost Empire) - This is probably the unicorn of the fandom in terms of how rare it is. But having written so much for it and even RPed it, this is now canon to me. These two are just so sweet to each other I'm surprised I don't have cavities yet. And it all started because I saw some photoedit fanart that had an image of Rourke with an arm around Milo and I couldn't stop thinking about that image. Now, they are canon to me.

☆ Clu x Tron/Rinzler (from.....uh.....Tron) - This is largely due to RP threads I've done on here. I honestly hadn't thought of this until I started RPing it with people here,but now I love it. Especially Clu and Tron as sort-of-parents for Beck. Ugh, the sweetness!

☆ Halman (Hal 9000/Dave Bowman from 2001: A Space Odyssey and its sequel movie/books) - This is probably the one canon ship I'm into, and yes it is very obviously canon, especially in the sequel movie 2010: The Year We Make Contact when they have the following exchange:

Hal 9000: What is going to happen? Dave Bowman: Something wonderful. Hal 9000: I'm afraid. Dave Bowman: Don't be. We'll be together. Hal 9000: Where will we be? Dave Bowman: Where I am now.

I mean, it's even more obvious than Spirk (which I also love) and that's saying something. Just the way these two care for each other is just so wholesome and sweet. It's the one ship I don't see much smut stuff for, and honestly, it doesn't need smut, it works so well. They are just so good to each other. Dave does not want to kill Hal, he does it because he has no choice and (my interpretation) he figured out at that point that something was wrong, that Hal was 'sick' and Dave didn't want to see this person he cares so much about suffering anymore. But when Hal is brought back in the sequel, Dave takes extra time during his short visit to check on Hal and make sure he's okay and ultimately saves him from a second death, after which they literally spend eternity together.

Honorable Mentions - Spirk (Spock/Kirk from Star Trek), Jack O'Neil/Sam Carter (Stargate SG1), Claire Finn/Isaac (The Orville), Ineffable Husbands (Aziraphale/Crowley from Good Omens, please don't comment about Season 2 as I haven't gotten to watch it yet), Yugi Mutou/Seto Kaiba (Yu-Gi-Oh), Yugi Mutou x Yami/Atem (Yu-Gi-Oh, Yami and Atem are the same person to me, just at different points in time.)

[dearemma]

do you have any headcanons for christine's relations with other characters?

boy, anon (gender-neutral) do i have some!!

first and silliest, i think christine is responsible for the rumor that transporter chief kyle is mean. she said it as a joke once and the rumor got a life of its own

to me, christine, unlike erica, la'an, spock and uhura, does not enter the kids jokes the fandom makes. the fandom at large loves to joke about pike and una as mom and dad (respectively) and their kids going on space adventures. while i do find that cute, i don't like including christine in that scenario. i think christine, due to her not being starfleet, and therefore not being in the chain of command, not sharing their jokes about starfleet, wouldn't really be one of the kids, which leads her to have a more grounded relationship with both pike and una.

to me, her and una, end up developing a really amazing friendship. una, who is more slow to trust and let people in, is not ready for the hurricane that is a determined christine chapel. and the two of them are together in various tense moments in season one where una has to be more open, exposed (revealing that she is an illyrian, the whole surgery scene). una, who keeps everyone at arms length, can't and... doesn't want to keep christine at a distance.

her and pike, i like to think of them having this very warm friendship that's easy to miss. they are both stubborn, adventurous people, who don't let others take care of them. i can see the two of them being able to just... nudge the other one in the right direction. christine getting him to sickbay after a mission when he is determined to go back to the bridge, pike roaming the halls and seeing christine working on an experiment and distracting her with stories about his farm until she forgets about what she is doing and realizes how tired she is.

her and erica are besties. i think we'll eventually learn they were in the war together (it explains why the two of them and m'benga have a sort of code only they know during the pilot). i think they also sleep together sometimes, no strings attached (and that eventually they get tangled up in those strings, but anyway). i like to imagine christine dragging erica on trips, going rock-climbing together, having all these wacky adventures that only they laugh about (everyone else is horrified and mouthing how did you not die).

her and la'an, look... christine getting la'an to lower her walls? making la'an laugh? is something that is very personal to me. la'an is determined, very closed-off but she is becoming more open and i think allowing christine to show her the more lighthearted things that she's missed out on would be very sweet. i also like the idea of la'an teaching christine how to fight more efficiently. christine's style is more: i'm faster than you and i'm going to take you down. while la'an really knows the technique. and i think la'an likes to feel useful, so she wouldn't just accept christine showing her what she missed out on while becoming a baddass starfleet chief of security. so showing her how to fight, would be a fair trade.

christine and uhura love to dance. that's my first thought. christine and uhura twirling around the room, laughing obnoxiously loud, singing along to the music, being the center of gravity and warmth in the room. i'm a big shipper of christine and uhura in the tos timeline, but in the snw... i see them more as sweet friends, the two of them growing together, having a good time, both becoming more connected with starfleet, enterprise and each other.

right now my thoughts about her and m'benga are shifting. babs and jess described them as a familial sort of relationship and i always had that in my mind as a sibling sort of thing. the two of them knowing way too much about each other's lives, being nosy, bantering. but right now, with the latest episode, i'm starting to think its more a family forged in fire sort of situation. they are family because no one else could ever understand what they went through. they are still very close, still banter and quip at each other, though.

her and spock are in love, thxns.

[usslakevee]

Always a Way to Win

This is an incredibly rough draft of an idea I had a little bit ago. I think I'm going to rewrite the whole thing using Spock's POV instead of Kirk's but wanted to share this first draft

"There's no such thing as a no win scenario."

"I expected you of all people to know better?" Jim Kirk blinks for a moment, who is this man. How dare he think he knows Jim.

"What?" He growls out, not giving the Vulcan a chance to answer. "You think because I was on Tarsus IV I should believe in no win scenarios?" He snarls, and his vision is red. He doesn't see the way the Vulcans eyes widen.

"I can tell you all about a man who believed in no win scenarios Commander Spock," he spits the man's name back at him. "His name was Kodos, I called him Governor Kodos, and the history books call him Kodos the Executioner."

"Mr. Kirk," someone says, and he turns his eyes on them, unseeing.

"Kodos believed that help wouldn't come for six months." He says, voice deceptively calm. "Kodos believed the only way for anyone to survive was to kill half the population. Kodos believed there was no way to win." He scowls at the group in front of him.

"Your test trains Captains to think like him." He says. "carefully configured so there's no way out, ignoring Starfleet procedures, cultural norms, and reality." He hisses.

"Now that's-" someone says, and Jim turns back to the Vulcan.

"There is always a way out. Sometimes a Captain will pick wrong, sometimes people will die. But I will never give up before I start," he states. "I will keep all 8,000 colonists alive for as long as I can. And I will research, and I will send distress signals, and I will fight the blight, and search for food. I will find a way to win, and if there isn't one I will make one." There's silence and his words ring in the empty space.

"I found a way to beat your impossible test." He says, "and you think, because I did, I don't understand its purpose. I understand it perfectly Commander Spock."

[walkingstackofbooks]

SNW 2x2 'Ad Astra per Aspera' thought-stream

Obviously this has spoilers, so I’ve put it under the cut :)

My mind is far too DS9. First thought on seeing little Una's parents argue? 'I wonder if this was ever a problem for Julian'. 😅

But also, poor Una, how scary that would be? Her parents aren't even hiding this argument from her!

"Two year prison sentence minimum" oooh like Richard Bashir got

"I can wait" I love Pike's stubbornness. He's a Very Good Egg

Genetic engineering as a metaphor for queerness is something I cannot unsee

Gosh I need to rewatch the last series

"Congratulations, you discovered empathy." Ohh I like her.

"You're a piece of work, Pike." "Yeah, but you still haven't said no..." His grin.

"After 25 years..." - if Neera and Una have been fallen out for so long, how come Pike appears to know her?

"Until two months ago my record with Starfleet was spotless. When they didn't know, they didn't care. The only thing that's changed is that they know the truth." ... "And now Starfleet are asking me to hide again so that no-one has to know an Illyrian climbed the ranks of Starfleet." ... "I shouldn't have to hide anymore. None of us should."... "I'm doing this for me. And for all the Illyrians who can't or just won't pretend to not be who they really are." (GENETIC ENGINEERING AS QUEER METAPHOR I CANNOT)

Pike in his apron!

I just don't see how this can work out for Una, knowing what we do about augmentation laws in the 2300s. Unless it's an Illyrian-only exception I guess?

20 YEARS?!!!!! Fuuuuu-

I really love Neera. She's unapologetically herself and she doesn't lessen herself or force herself to be nice just for people to accept her.

Neera's "Lieutenant Noonien-Singh." is SO pointed

Erica's Spock impression XD

Interesting to see Erica being a little Vulcan-racist, that makes future-her in 1x10 make more sense... Not a great look, but we know the Federation aren't always the best and I like the way this has been put in

"I regret you had to witness that outburst" -oh, Spock. That was very Spock of you.

If La'an obtains her evidence that the evidence about Una was gained illegally by her acting illegally, won't her evidence get turned down by the same rules?

YES UHURA. I mean I want Una freed but standing up for what you think is right against your mentor is pretty damn awesome

"My client is only here because of who she is and because she felt she had no other choice than to hide that fact, just like the millions before her who were forced to hide how they worshipped, how they loved, what they truly looked like, because it made others uncomfortable. Because it made others afraid." I am crying. Damn, Star Trek. You do good.

Frick. That didn't work. I thought her line of questioning was great, but I thought it would come to a point - maybe to make April say he would have liked to sponsor her, if he had known, or that he thought it wasn't a just law?

I still really love Neera, even if Una is probably right that this isn't going to help *specifically* Una

The hate in La'an's eyes when she's asked "Do you have any relation to Khan Noonien Singh?"

I do love their dress uniforms. They just fit in so well.

"An affinity for Gilbert and Sullivan musicals." On one hand I agree it feels weird when Spock is the comic relief but on the other hand I love this and I think it is actually a precursor of Spock's more subtle humour in TOS

"Would it be fair to say that you would not have joined Starfleet if not for Commander Chin-Riley?" "Counsellor, I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for Una." Una's unsteady breath <3

"I think it is illogical for Starfleet to punish itself." SPOCK IS AWESOME PLS OUTLOGIC THAT OTHER VULCAN

TOS music underneath their who is Una to mes!!!

If La'an thinks it was *her* personal log can't she see where that went?

"There is nothing wrong with you, Lieutenant. No hidden monster inside." Boy I love this plotline so so much (and wish we could have seen more of this for Julian shhh...)

"They look down at us for so long that we begin to to look down at ourselves." Damn.

Is La'an genetically modified or just has legacy DNA 200 years later?

Would it make sense for Una to have turned herself in? I feel like she's the only person we *know* who could have done it, and I feel this is leading up to the reveal of someone we *know*. But why wouldn't she have told Pike? And why so angry at Neera for putting the Illyrian cause first?

I'd... always though aspera meant hope XD Welp. It's not like I did ten years of Latin and have a degree in it right? 😅😅

(I looked it up - I'd got confused with "sperare" which means "to hope". Feel less bad :P)

"So many people from so many planets" pans to the mostly human command crew of Enterprise XD

"On what date did Captain Christopher Pike..." OH NO OH NO OH NO

Well, fuck.

He is a Very Odious Vulcan. Ugh. "She is clearly toxic" NO YOU ARE SHUT UP

Oh gosh, Una's going to be so guilty if Chris goes down with her

"All this tribunal needs to do now is confirm that status to absolve them both." I said I loved this woman.

"A law is not a mirror to society a law is an ideal a beacon to remind us how to be our better selves."

Yay!!!! She's free!

The communication whistle! phWEEE-oooo! I'd missed that <3

"But I am looking at a Starfleet crew who proudly serve under an Illyrian Commander." Idk why but this made me tear up again.

"If you're all here, who's flying the ship?" XD XD XD

HUUUUUG, Chris' face of scared upset relief 💔

YAY WE GOT UNA BACK, NOW THE WHOLE GANG CAN GO ADVENTURE!

Just realised we never got Chris' response to Spock stealing the Enterprise - more important things, I know, but man I wanted to be a fly on the wall there!

[galactic-pirates]

Strange New Worlds - Episode 1

Paramount+ launched in the UK yesterday. As a side note I have a small amount of amusement as whomever designed the Disney+ website, did this one - they are identical! Anyway, the moment I finished the episode I had to login to raid so didn't have time to ramble. Let's see if I can remember stuff I thought!

So it's been 3 months since Discovery season 2 finale and Pike sure can grow a long beard in that time. I don't quite know what the logic was for showing that woman at Pike's cabin (establishing Pike is a ladies man??) especially as that's a recognisable actress and according to IMDB that's her only appearance in the show. Very strange (no pun intended haha).

Anyway, moving on. T'Pring has some major thirst for Spock. Although I confess my initial thought was why were they kissing with their mouths? I guess that was for the benefit of the casual audience as it would have made more sense as Vulcan's for their hands to be being all sensual. I read some dates and her "I won't chase you across the galaxy" kinda makes sense as isn't it like 8 years or something until the Kirk vs Spock pon farr fight?

Let's see what is next. Oh! I enjoyed the fact that Enterprise is getting patched up from the battle, all the crew are on leave unless needed, and Number One was like "nope, give me another ship I'm bored" as I got some major Eve Baird vibes from that. I watched the Librarians show premiere AGAIN the other day (I love it so much) and Eve's all "but sir what am I supposed to do for a month??" so yes very good.

Ortegas on the conn is something I want to see more of, with her dry wit of "why is it always when I'm in the Captain's chair" plus it's just the humour as well of the Captain, the first officer, Spock (who's basically second in command) just all on the away mission. Like yes lets just send our entire leadership down and hope nothing bad happens!

Oh I adored the humour and the banter between Chapel and M'Benga when they were chasing that guy around the ship. I also loved the little peek at Uhura's character. The dude was freaking out and she just chatted to him about something from his planet and totally put him at ease. Chapel practically didn't have to sedate him to be honest.

I haven't got a satisfactory answer off google and so I remain confused. Of all the characters (apart from Pike and Spock) then La'an was the one that got the most fleshing out this episode, so I'm guessing her backstory is going to be important to the seasons overall plot. However, I still don't get whether she's related to Khan or related to the scientists that created Data, or is it both? I watched Picard and when they went back to 2024 the Soong then pulled out a file which seemed to hint at Khan.

Speaking of 2024 I had a "can't quite believe they went there" moment when they showed footage with 'audit the vote' as a precursor to the second civil war and then world war three. To be honest that made me more scared than anything because it feels a bit too possible. While I would like the Star Trek future, I definitely don't want the nuclear armageddon they endured to get there.

Ok back to Pike and his soul-searching. Every now and then I find random bits on my hard drive and apparently after season 2 of Discovery I started a Pike fanfic. I had a "I don't remember this place" when I found the doc but it's a thing. Interestingly I had Pike as a prisoner in jail having done something very reckless because "if I know how I'm going to die, then my day is not today and nothing really matters" and then I was building up to basically Number One sitting on him and reaffirming what Cornwell said which is "you can't think like that, because knowing your fate doesn't give you God-like powers to just live through anything" as a bit of a reality check. This time it was a bit more subtle and La'an and Spock provided the nudge but it seems Pike got to a similar sort of headspace in the end.

There wasn't really enough Number One in this for me, and with her being the focus of the rescue mission (and then her injury) she didn't get to do anything badass either. However, I have seen some gifs and I know her moment to shine will come.

I liked the thing about consequences. I dislike that Starfleet command are idiots that don't understand them but I'm glad that Pike did. General Order Number One (aka the Prime Directive) shouldn't be a license not to clean up their own messes. As Pike said they had already interfered, so they needed to try and make it as positive as possible. The warp weapon wasn't part of their 'natural development' so letting them blow themselves up with it shouldn't be either. So good for Pike, but a bad look for Starfleet.

This was a solid episode. It had a good plot. There was some good character stuff, some humour. I wanted more but then I always do. I think they could have cut a few minutes of Pike and Spock at the start and given them to the other crew, but I'm hoping that Ortegas and the others will get their time in future episodes. That's the problem with decent ensemble casts, they'd need to double episode lengths to really give them the time they deserve.

Oh! One last thing I actually googled this after to make sure I hadn't misheard and I hadn't - Shuttle 'Stamets' I screamed because what a cool reference! I love Stamets and it was a nice nod. I mean as far as most people are concerned Discovery either never existed or was destroyed (I'm a bit fuzzy on which given the spore drive and wiping that from the records). But either way a little memorial to Stamets who is probably thought dead was nice.

I'm going to give this I think a 4/5 rating. That might go up or down on rewatches as sometimes context makes me feel differently about stuff. However, generally it was as positive and awesome as I'd hoped! Thus far I'm not disappointed and as I've kinda over-hyped this in my head, I am so relieved about that!

[bamfspock]

hello i just finished your 'know all your enemies fic' (cant remember if i sent it anonymously or not, but i was the one who said i was just 2-3 chap. in) and i just want to say i demand financial compensation for the emotional damage your words have brought me

I can only offer remuneration in fun Jim moments that I ended up cutting. Hope you like!

~~~~~~~

Spock did that thing vulcans sometimes did where their face went blank in this particular way that meant 'I would be rolling my eyes right now if it weren't illogical to do so'.

~~~~~~~

"It's an effective move," Jim admits, shrugging. "I've thought about sitting on Bones more than once but he'd probably just dump me on the floor and then stick a hypo in my neck." He shakes his head. "He doesn't seem it, but he's actually really strong."

~~~~~~~

"Nothing like a little subversive academia to really cement a friendship."

~~~~~~

"He asked me a bunch of questions, which I only answered with exactly enough information to count but not enough to explain anything because, you know, malicious compliance is fun."

~~~~~~

"He is," Jim said, "but he's a cadet, too. Not a kid - actually gonna turn 30 soon." His eyes lit up and he looked at [spoiler]. "We should throw him a surprise party."

"Oh my god," [spoiler] laughed, "Bones would hate that. Let's do it."

~~~~~~

"That doesn't work on me, I'm not Pike. I'm not even an ensign - I'm not in a position to torture anyone."

Jim murmured under his breath, "You sure about that?"

"Don't worry," [spoiler] said over his shoulder as he headed for the door, "when I'm of sufficient rank to torture people you'll be the first to know."

He walked out and Jim turned and smiled at [spoiler 2]. "Crazy kids. Gotta love 'em."

~~~~~~

[spoiler] shook his head. "Commander. Such a bigwig now, Jimmy."

"You would think so," Jim said, "But they still won't let me take more than 15 books from the library at a time, and if you can't do that then really, what's the point?"

"Oh, totally," [spoiler] said, "you can't really say you've made it until they let you take 20, bare minimum."

"You probably have to be a Command admiral to do that, and I'm pretty sure the admiralty is full-up."

[spoiler] hummed. "Think you could get Archer to give you his spot?"

Jim cocked his head to the side like he was considering. "Mmmmaybe."

Michaels coughed into her hand to hide a laugh.

~~~~~~

"That sounds like an interesting story."

"Not really much of a story," Michaels said. "Some of the others and I just used it to stick something to one of the donated sculptures on campus."

"Ahh, you can't say it like that," Jim chided. He turned to [spoiler]. "They shoved Komack's bumper into Komack's Asshole."

[spoiler] choked on his beer, barely keeping from spraying the table.

"See," Jim said, "gotta go for maximum impact."

Michaels nodded like he'd just imparted some invaluable wisdom.

~~~~~~

"You should find out. Use your rank to boss some people into giving you the info."

"Or I could just look for myself."

"Can you? Are you privvy to assignments and stuff?"

"No." Jim side eyed [spoiler] and grinned. "But that's never stopped me."

He huffed, amused. "You mean you're gonna hack into whatever database it's in and find it."

"It's just so easy," he exclaimed, and [spoiler] laughed. "Seriously I'm always like half a second away from overhauling their whole infosec program."

"Would you even have time for that?"

"Fuck it," Jim said, "I'll make time. Maybe I'll do it this summer. Or maybe I'll just [spoiler 2] and do it then. If Marcus doesn't like it he can suck it."

"Gross, Jim. That guy's mouth is probably disgusting."

Jim shuddered. "Why," he said, plaintive," why, why would you say that?"

"But now when you talk to him you can think of how gross he is instead of how much you want to wring his neck. It's basic homicide prevention, Jim."

"It worries me how much you think about strangling people."

~~~~~~

[spoiler] started snickering. "You know what this reminds me of?"

"Yes," Jim said, "because you have an eidetic memory and make sure to remind me of that fact by recounting all the embarassing things I did in front of you as a kid."

~~~~~~

"Bye," he said, sounding dazed, and watched her leave before finally sitting down.

"Bones," Jim exclaimed, "what are you doing?"

Bones startled. "Excuse me?"

"When are you going to ask her out?"

Bones flushed. "Never."

"Seriously?" Jim glanced after her. "You don't want to date her?"

"Why don't you date her?" was Bones brilliant come back. "She likes you. Plus, you guys -" he paused, glancing at [spoiler], "... used to, uh. Date."

[spoiler] snorted. "Are you trying to say they used to be fuck buddies?"

"Jesus, [spoiler]," Jim said, shocked.

[spoiler] just glanced at him, unimpressed. "You do know I'm not still eight, right?"

"I know," Jim said, telling himself he wasn't pouting. "Still."

"Oh come on," [spoiler] said, "you're telling me you didn't talk like that when you were my age? Or were doing that?"

"I wasn't -" Jim spluttered, flustered. "I didn't -"

"Really?" God, even Bones was skeptical of him now. How was he not as outraged as Jim? "You never..." He made a complicated motion with his mug and two fingers that had Jim resisting the urge to cover [spoiler]'s eyes and ears.

~~~~~~

Kate huffed a laugh. "You were kind of a weird kid, huh?"

"Kate, how could you?" Jim rolled over with an exageratedly-sad look. "I'm a weird kid now. How could you slight me like that?"

"I dunno, I heard you were spotted walking someone's dog while drinking coffee yesterday morning." She winced and shook her head. "Sounds awful normal to me."

"Does it help that it was Archer's dog?"

"Uh...yeah, actually. What even is your life?"

Jim just shrugged. He wondered that sometimes, too.

"I still can't believe you know Archer," Alex moaned, envious.

"I still can't believe you know T'Pol," Kate said. "I'm totally jealous. Now she is hot."

Lg'ner turned a page. "Isn't she more than 150 years old?"

"So? She's Vulcan, she ages slower than a human. And even so, older women are hot."

Alex threw out his hands. "Thank you!"

"25 is nothing like 150 and also is in no way an 'older woman', unless you're maybe 16 - no offense, Jim - and then that would be seriously fucked up."

"I don't know." Again Alex looked into the distance. "I think I would have thought Professor DinBar was super hot when I was 16, too."

"That's not really the issue, though," Jim said. "I mean don't get me wrong - I definitely agree that she's insanely good looking. But noticing that from afar is different than if she actually came up to me and said 'Hey Jim, I noticed you noticing me when we were discussing the effect of building the colony on Deneva on the local nesting bird population. Wanna go out and get messy?'"

~~~~~~

Jim shrugged, going for nonchallant. "Wasn't a big deal. Mom was doing long term missions, and there was a good school on a colony. Just made sense." He swallowed. "Nothing exciting."

"Yeah I think I'd be kinda bummed too if I got to leave Earth for a whole three years and spent it just going to school."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Stop trying to act like you're not as big a nerd as the rest of us. You lost that fight as soon as you enrolled at this academy."

"Damn, foiled again. My reputation will never recover." Kate stood and brushed off her skirt. "I think I'm gonna go back to my dorm and think about how smokin' T'Pol is then cry into some ice cream about it. Or nap. Either or."

S'ceana squinted up at her. "I think you just have some kind of Vulcan fetish. How xenophobic of you."

"Hey, not my fault Lieutenant Spock looks especially fine in red. Jim can back me up on this."

Jim sat up. "Back you up on what?"

"That Spock is super pretty. I know you agree, I catch you looking at him all the time."

"I do?" Damn, he'd thought he'd stopped that.

S'ceana leaned forward to pat him on the leg. "It's okay, Kirk. He actually looks at you a lot, too."

Kate nodded. "That's true. You should go for it, Jim. You definitely have a shot. Unlike Alex here and Professor DinBar."

"Hey."

"Am I wrong?"

"...No."

"May as well, Jim." S'ceana stood and held out a hand to haul Jim up. "Damn, why are you so heavy? You're kind of a twink."

He chose to let that slide. "I'm pretty sure he kind of hates my guts, so no thanks."

"Aww, really? But you're so cute and have such dreamy eyes."

"Right?" Jim lifted his bag onto his shoulder. "I'm a total catch. Guy doesn't know what he's missing."

~~~~~~

Obviously there are a lot of characters I cut, and events I shuffled around, but there it is. I hope you find my offering of sufficient value to cover all damages.

And thanks again for the love 💜