#i'll delete this later. whatever.

[mintflavoredfemurs]

friend told another friend a joke, lunchroom was too loud for me to hear it but other friend was suddenly dying of laughter. i asked what the joke was cuz i didn't hear it and my friend said "oh no, you won't like it. You're ace. You don't like sex"

and honestly i'm a bit devastated!!!

[bixels]

Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.

Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).

Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.

Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.

Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).

AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.

But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s

At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.

[xx-knife-xx]

Anyone think it's interesting that some fans:

Dick: kills Joker out of anger. (Immediately regretting it and hating himself even after Bruce brought him back).

Some fans: Wow! So cool! He totally is so mad that Bruce brought Joker back! He doesn't regret killing that clown at all! He's was so happy Joker was finally dead! Poor guy.

Jason: calculatedly kills people. (He thinks the people should die and isn't shown to have any regret for most kills).

Some fans: Oh no! Jason experiences pit madness and kills people without even realizing it! He regrets each kill soooo bad!!! Poor guy.

[writterings]

ngl straight ppl really did go off with getting your partner's initial on your manicure. like who's trying to be my femboy boyfriend who does that with me. i'll pay for it and take you for boba and dinner and a movie afterwards.

[milkman-zahhak]

Was working on something before I forgot that I can't fucking draw.

Yeah this is what a grown-ass adult's art should look like, this is the quality expected of someone whose been drawing since they could grasp a pencil. This measly scribble is worth 2 days of effort using all my free time.

[peachdoxie]

I don't think I ever really processed the trauma I went through in OCD treatment and reblogging that comic about OCD the other day really triggered me and arghhhhhhh I don't know what to do about it. Thoughts I guess.

The main thing is like, any time I would express doubts that I actually have OCD, my therapist (who specialized in OCD) would tell me that doubting that I have OCD is actually a very common symptom of OCD, and it felt like he refused to actually listen to my doubts when I was like "my avoidance happens because there's some block in my brain that I can't get past and it's not rooted in anxiety."

Like, because he thought I had OCD that meant that any thought or behavior I expressed automatically was because of OCD and not like, adhd, autism, fibromyalgia, sensory processing disorder, etc. It felt like my only options were to agree with him (which I didn't want to do because I don't!) or continue arguing and therefore just confirm what he already thought.

And like honestly it made me almost question my sense of reality when I was like "I'm avoiding this thing because I'm worried the physical exertion will trigger an asthma attack or tachycardia event or fibromyalgia flare up or migraine" and he'd be like "but what if it doesn't and you're fine?" and I was like "I can't take that risk because of how long it takes me to recover from these health issues" then he'd say "OCD treatment is about learning that you can and have to work through discomfort and, yes, even pain" and honestly if not for the fact that I have a strong sense of self and years of experience to back this up, I might have started to doubt that my health issues were really as bad (even though they are!) as I was perceiving them.

Like one exercise I had to do was increase my anxiety (to show myself that I can handle anxiety) by hyperventilating through a coffee stirrer for a set number of seconds, and I was supposed to do it even if I was going to black out but when I said I felt like that was too risky for me because of the aforementioned health issues (the tachycardia especially) he just kept trying to convince me to do it even though I kept saying I don't think I should!

And he kept suggesting things to convince me to do tasks, like if I don't do xyz by our next appointment I have to donate ALL of my savings to a political cause I disagree with, and I was like "that just creates more anxiety for me because I genuinely do not think I can do this thing because my brain won't let me!" That was the last session I saw him because I cancelled after that.

Honestly I think the main reasons OCD therapy was so traumatic for me were 1) I constantly felt invalidated when I expressed concerns and 2) I was being misinterpreted by someone who refused to listen to me. That second one is something that actually really bothers me a lot and some of the biggest falling outs I've had with friends in high school were when they misinterpreted something I said as malicious and used it against me. But the invalidation of my concerns goes right along with it.

The thing is too the part of me that does have perseverance and anxiety—not the logical side of me, that is—still worries that maybe he was right all along and I do have OCD and all of my problems are just because I don't think I can do something so I don't, even though my logical brain can point to all of the evidence contrary to that worry.

Like yeah, I do have intrusive thoughts that cause my anxiety, but I'm pretty good at handling them. And my avoidance is based in past experience of "if I trigger one of my health issues by doing one of these specific things that have triggered them in the past, it will make the rest of my week very difficult as I struggle to recover and play catch-up." It's like, what anxiety I have is most often based in very real, very tangible worries—and even now, I'm struggling not to start spiraling about it, so I'll stop before I get there.

Tbh the only good thing to come out of those six months of hell was the conclusion that the vast majority of my problems aren't caused by anxiety and that there is something else going on, whether it's autism, adhd, fibromyalgia, or whatever. I'm not sure it outweighs the trauma, but hey I learned something I guess.

Tbh I try not to be too pissed at myself for seeking OCD treatment in the first place and basically wasting my leave of absence by making minimal progress. I decided to listen to the therapist who diagnosed me (different from the OCD treatment therapist) instead of going with my idea of seeking help from an autism/adhd therapist, because I tend to defer to authorities on things like that—though I will say, the negativity and fearmongering on Tumblr around getting autism/adhd diagnoses certainly didn't help.

I think overall it's frustrating because I will never get closure with the OCD therapist. He will always have misinterpreted me and refused to listen to me, and I'll just have to live with that.

It's also frustrating because I don't think either therapist necessarily did anything wrong, per se, since they were looking at what evidence they had from their experience in their fields, which certainly biased them—and they both admitted to me that they don't know much about autism or adhd, and I should have taken that as a yellow flag and bailed sooner—and I'm going to shut up because the spiral is starting again.

Anyway if you read all this, thanks I guess. I'm mostly just train of thought writing to get the thoughts out of my head (perseveration is a symptom of OCD but also of adhd/autism and I need to keep reminding myself that). Please don't give me advice or suggest I reach out to either therapist please. Compassion only.

Please also don't try to convince me that I do have OCD because I don't need someone encouraging my anxiety spiral.

[questionable-idea]

remembered deathclaws from fallout exist. i'm totally normal about this

[railway-lands]

Ronan Lynch is not my favourite but sometimes I understand just what he felt like (esp in cdth / td3 as a whole) because I am sitting in a classroom and time is dragging on and I feel like I'm full of potential energy ready to explode when there's sunshine outside and wind and trees and I think I need to see the ocean again. and my form of dreaming and creation comes in art and I want to be home and drawing and painting and quiet. you are made of dreams and this world is not for you and I understand why he felt this way

[despair-tea]

i don't know. i understand the sentiments for sure. but hating men as a lesbian is a bit of a turn-off.

[crowfromfoggyforest]

Who else up having gender thoughts

I'm thinking about names. About how i've found a name that makes me feel euphoric when it's used online + a list of other names that i love and that i'd love to switch between for the perfect gender gremlin chaos... but how i'll probably never feel comfortable with them irl. Because my brain is weird and will go into "look for all the signs you just made a grave mistake" mode the second someone uses them in front of me. (I don't expect anyone to get this. It might also have to do with it making me painfully aware of the fact i'll never feel like any name is truly me...) In any case, using it irl will ruin any name for me.

So i'll either have to stick with my birthname forever (because it makes me uncomfortable but i've gotten used to it) - or i'll go by a name that absolutely doesn't match me or my gender and that isn't dear to me. Like Tobias. Or Michael. Because then, nothing can feel off, nothing can be ruined - that name clearly isn't me, and clearly wasn't the "right" name choice anyways. So i guess... that would actually give me the most gender euphoria.

Idk. Gender is weird, names are weird, my brain is weird. I should probably go to sleep.

[bigbigtruck]

2022 has been hard and punched me in the dick for months on end but I gotta say three real good moves i made this year

drinking a ton more water

going hard in the gym

just hard blocking/cutting people out of my life if the shit they say makes me feel worthless

[ftm-megamind]

me and my boyfriend are sooo javid (he invited me over for a family dinner)

[umbrellajamming]

sure would be nice. if people could debunk a dumb exaggerated/incorrect fanon without people immediately turning it 180° and happily hauling ass right into another dumb exaggerated/incorrect fanon. while gleefully crowing about how canon and correct this opposite take is.

sure would be nice 🙃

[cherriegyuu]

so, hi!

i just wanted to say that starting this sunday i'll be blocking all empty blogs. if you don't have a icon, header and at least a couple posts on your blog you'll be soft blocked.

though my fics have a high number of notes, recently i felt like i've been writing into the void. and when that happens i always get the feeling that what i write is not even worth a comment. i'd much rather have a smaller number of notes if it means i'll have more interaction with those who read

i've asked, i begged, and nothing seems to work. this is my last try at this thing

[ceruleaneclipse]

"That [candy apple] was the only good thing going on in my life. [I fucking dropped] the only good thing going on in my life!"

[aromanticasterisms]

greek themed elysian realm star rail arc i am awake and LISTENING