#i'll be that kind of weird instead
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kissy
#I was going to post something kind of fucked 2day but I decided im Kind of feelin this instead#This does mean I'm posting two dumb little doodles back to back but like whatever. Unlearning my Weird Thing about that#I'll post the Agony some other time . Bleehhhh#For now u get uhh. Gentle kiss.#freehoun#barney calhoun#gordon freeman#half life 2#half life#doodles#id in alt text#my art
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moon n ballora
#my art#daycare attendant#dca fandom#moondrop#ballora#sorry to all the sl fans who r sick of hearing about the daycare attendant HFJSJGKDJG#anyway its real funny how i can draw the dca at a side view fairly well but ballora? fucking impossible#i wanted to keep it more in line w/ her canon design bc then otherwise moon would look weird but UGHHH i did NOT draw her well#this drawing is like. roughly a month old by now? but i wanted to post something#i havent been drawing as much bc of art block hell!!!!!! so if posts r slower thats why#i did go through my hundreds of drafts to put some posts in the queue though so those will be going for roughly 2 months at the current rat#theres still... a lot of posts in my drafts though... oops#also. did you guys hear that theyre making a whole ass dca pin set#the dca is like the perfect cash cow of merch now. pisses me off a little ngl HFJZJFKSJG#gonna be fun to see them release product after product as the masses go crazy over it again and again#im being kind of negative i know but. god#im honestly just posting this as an excuse to rant about it without making a whole post for it HFKZJFKD#i fucking knew this was gonna happen but man! it still sucks#anyway uhh if youre gonna buy merch buy fanmade stuff and bootlegs instead!#be aware of where your money is going!#... that's all i'll say about it
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teenage pearl "redesign" but i'm really just trying to improve on the current design. there are better ways to incorporate that bead in her hair :"D p sure it's to tie her and maya's designs so i pushed it with her bangs as well lol
#.docx#feel like adding more hair for the beads kind of overcomplicate her silhouette.... but it's cute :"D#i could also just mirror the little bead thing. would be infinitely better than just the weird asymmetric one she has going on#i'll explore this at home LOL i've just been doing this instead of class work
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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow
hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.
like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.
anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better
#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control#as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem#but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine#i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR#i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be#-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that#ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind
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goodbye october
#kirehn draws#art#my art#guys it's been so long that tumblr forgot my drawing tag ;3;#couldn't decide so instead of speedpaint study have a weird. speed something?#abut an hour and a half from an unsplash reference#was thinking about the way that drawing ocs always looks much better when I have a specific photo reference#but when I draw actual people from photo references I tend to only fully render for realism#so was wondering what if I just. drew the actual person but the way I do ocs?#honestly idk why it took this long for me to think to try it#and I think I'll do more for a while to maybe fight this block#I'm not super pleased with this very specific example but I'm pleased with how the experiment turned out#like vs the ref I could have done better but I also specifically kind of wanted to force myself to rush?#so likeness: not the best#purpose of the thing: almost tickled#but most importantly I managed to accomplish my personal goal of once monthly something by the skin of my teeth#and with just over a half hour to bed time whew
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I've been doing a lot of grocery delivery in the country lately, so I ordered myself a nice bumper sticker so I fit in with everyone else's stuff :)
I've seen a lot of these lately, but they were all of a pride flag I don't recognize. Not sure which gender/sexuality has the red and white stripes with the blue with white stars in the corner, but I guess it's an ok design. The rainbow is the traditional LGBT flag, though, so I feel it symbolizes the collective queer community a little better and will be a little more noticeable/recognizable than niche flags, like this stars and stripes guy.
#queer#pride#rainbow#flag#gay#lgbt#fr tho I've seen so many q-anon and trump stickers that i feel like this'll either be really funny or I'll get my windows smashed in#for some reason the country here isn't just chill people eeking out a living doing what they can#it's all super well off people who immigrated from elsewhere in the us and are incredibly aggressive#I'm from the middle of nowhere. country folk are typically very kind even if they're a little ignorant to shit like being gay or trans.#but this is the kind of people where i got called a dyke twice just walking through kroger#i had the person behind me at mcdonalds yelling about my sticker that says i don't break for kids#anyone i know who has lived in that area for a long time hates all these new people#they've driven up housing prices to be just as much as in the city. they're all republicans who fled California or Illinois...#...and they brought with them their more radical views and hateful big-city attitudes#like yeah. this wasn't a place to be comfortably out as gay beforehand. now it's actively hostile instead of you get weird stares kinda shit
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its kind of funny to me that in the comics supergirl kind of occupies the spot for like the edgy superman. which is kind of weird for her typical role as kid sidekick to superman because her thing as a character (at least the versions of her character that i like) is that she doesn't have a reason to help anybody and doesn't like earth. edgy superman. but she's also the kid sidekick. strange juxtaposition
#it obviously depends on which comic you're reading#cause like there are completely different versions of supergirl depending on which version we're talking about#there's like 3 different supergirls with 5 different backstories#there's the one where she's a kind of slime goop that mimics the form of a girl--that was matrix#that was the version from the 80s that continued into the 90s--the weird run that had like angels and demons and stuff#god that one was weird#then there was the main one which is kara zor el but she has like 3 different backstories on her own#there's the argo city one which is truly horrible where like she watches thousands of people die in front of her#that one was most recently used in the supergirl woman of tomorrow comic written by the vile tom king at least as far as i'm aware#then there was the pod version (the more popular one) which has two variations on its own#variation one was that she's actually older than superman but got stuck in suspended animation for like 25 years#and variation two where she's just younger than him and i don't know how that works#of course the argo backstory is also the pod backstory they're not incompatible#it does beg the question of which you think is more tragic:#waking up one day to find out everyone you ever knew is dead and gone or watching them all die slowly in front of you#anyway the third super girl is power girl who is super girl except older so she's power girl because they didn't do a 2 spider man thing#this is easy to follow right#oh right and apparently they made a completely new backstory for her in my adventures with superman though i never watched that#because i still have to finish the supergirl cw show which is ANOTHER version of her character where she's 24 instead of a teenager#which sounds like a small thing but it literally turns her into a completely different character#i mean like powergirl is a completely different character isnt she#what was i talking about? right i kind of liked new 52 supergirl at least the first few issues#i really liked the disorientation of “where am i who are these people where's my family” she goes through#shame it kind of sucked#i'm probably not going to finish the CW show by the way. i'll probably give up halfway through season 3 if we're being optimistic
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something a little silly
(he's not actually angry at the "drugs" thing, just busy trying not to die)
oh i almost forgot
transcript of my bad handwriting:
Page 1 Panel 1: 2013, 1:38 pm (sfx: DING DING DING)
Panel 2: 9th period, 1:40 pm
Peter's internal thought bubble: "Oh shit my meds"
Panel 3:
Student 1: Hi, Mr. Parker!
Peter: mm-hm
Panel 4:
Student 1: Mr. Parker? Hello?
(Student 2: Huh?)
Panel 5:
Peter: Hm?
Student 1: What are those, tic tacs?
Student 2: No, he's doing drugs!!! (In class!)
Text pointing to Peter's hand holding his pills says "PTSD medication"
Peter: HKFGH (choking noise)
Page 2:
Panel 1:
Student 1: Are you okay?!
(Student 2: oh fuck)
Peter: COUGH COUGH
Panel 2:
(sfx: WHEEZE)
Peter: It's not DRUGS!
Panel 3, Peter cont.: Well, I mean, it is drugs, but it's prescription—it's medication. OK?
#came in through the window last night#peter parker#nadiart#fanadiart#rough art#comics#spiderman#always feel weird tagging the au stuff just cause it's so specific but... well i won't pretend i look at the peter parker tag lol#a post arguably still about a somewhat serious topic but with a more lighthearted mood#bright blue capsules = 5mg generic prazosin just fyi#he takes it starting in early 2013 to prevent flashbacks and nightmares (technically it's a blood pressure medication tho)#he takes it in morning. afternoon (at work). and bedtime. otherwise he can barely leave the house.#i was picturing this in fall after he's a little more functional but still kinda fucked#In Retrospect I'm not sure that him getting a job in 2013 makes sense though like it's a miracle he graduated from his master's program#on the other hand he strikes me as the kind of guy who works himself harder when stressed... but a few months is a very quick turnaround#maybe i should have him doing full time classes instead of pt and finish his degree over fall 2012 or smth... idk#i'll figure all that stuff out Later#anyway my approach to peter's shirts is generally anything that looks thrifted where he saw it in all its hideousness and said#''i love it''#also don't get it twisted the only reason peter even carries a water bottle is for his pills#accidentally pavlov'd himself into being hydrated but not into buying a reusable bottle lmao
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Yeah of course I’m still thinking about plushies, what else (Patreon)
Most specifically thinking about magnets again - there’s the obvious of putting it in their hands so they can hold hands!
Of course if they’re on the same side i.e. right hand gets south polarity, left gets north, they’d only be able to hold opposite hands, so no handshakes (but I think that’s fine personally haha)
But on top of hands they could also have magnets behind their mouth! Kiss-magnets! My only real concern is the fabric pulling and developing kiss-wrinkles from being pressed against each other haha
They’d also be able to giggle with their palms to their mouths hehe, how cute! It’d depend on their kiss polarity
Which would of course depend on ship compatibility! Max has to be able to kiss Dex and Caleb, so if that makes it that Caleb and Dex can’t kiss, I mean that’s just an unfortunate side effect haha
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#Max Vyer#Dexter Favin#ZEX#And kinda-sorta Caleb under the cut - mostly construction speculations#Gah I want themst as plushies so baaaad#Baby steps thataway - I'm still unsure with the fabric I'm using but everything testing! Every little step forward!#Just the thought of getting to play with them hehe ♪#Also personally-funny haha - that black shirt has a gold zipper pocket on the front so it's a little like VUX medals to me hehe#Fun fun#I'll get to play with them eventually!!! I will!#Until then the speculations are still enjoyable :) About the different accessories to have on offer hehe#Since they'd have static faces what would be a good way to imply sleepies? Too scary to be tucked in with wide eyes lol#A sleep mask makes him look sleepy <3 I wonder what his PJs are like :0 Even when I drew him wandering around at night#I still defaulted to his usual shirt style but I've seen him in a T shirt! :0 Comfy cozy#Guess it depends on the season as well haha tho I imagine the Vyer estate has central air hmmm#Anyhow lol - poor ZEX! It'd be too easy to cover his plushie in stitches to denote Them and his MU and everything :')#I also like the idea of little velcro/magnetic accessories to attach to the face - so like he has the empty socket and a little patch aw#Would like very much to try dry-dying(?) his hair with the green tips as well - like putting that plush-blush on the cheeks but hair instead#It should be possible right!#Speculating hair shapes for Max - I think bangs embroidered right to the face are very cool! But I like the idea of flipping his bangs up#Not like Super long to give him an emo fringe or anything lol but just enough to cover like his upper lash line :)#Attachment parts are interesting for sure - almost gotta make like a wig-style design to go over his head! :0#But imagining the final version with him so cute and self-pleased and squishy and throwable haha <3 He's too cute!#All the stuff under the cut is fairly well-contained explained I think haha#Looks strange in a kind of x-ray breakdown but hopefully it'd be invisible once they're constructed! No weird pulling hopefully hopefully#Sure doesn't make polyships any easier sheesh - what if I want them all to kiss! What if I want them to kiss everyone!!!#Magnets and their binary polarity smh just gotta invent a dual-attraction haha
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wow. they weren't lying that 19 portland mayoral candidates sure can underwhelming
#i'm reading my voters' pamphlet prepared to mark down anyone who seems vaguely okay so i can look up more about them#but i get to the end and i hadn't marked down a single one??#for city council (which granted had 30 candidates instead of 19) i marked down 10 people initially and whittled it down to 6#(we can vote for our top 6 choices! baby's first ranked choice voting)#but for mayor i just kept being like well surely there's someone better than this...and then i was at the end. lol.#there's one guy who was just like 'the mayor is a figurehead. vote for me and i'll stay out of the way'#which i thought was hilarious at first but actually. he kind of has a point??#two local newspapers have endorsed a guy who is naive enough to think he can 'end unsheltered homelessness in a year'#like no. you can't. are you stupid#i just want rene gonzalez to lose but also it occurred to me...if he loses does that mean he keeps his seat on council?#because i think that position actually has more power than the mayor#but if my city elects rene gonzalez as mayor i think i might just lose all faith in my neighbors#despite how everyone slowed down to avoid splashing me that time the street flooded the other day#every time i see a rene gonzalez lawn sign in my neighborhood i want to scream and scream and scream#there's no reason to support him unless you just straight up hate homeless people. like he's not even competent or personable#his whole deal is just making life hard for homeless people#the other thing about the 'end unsheltered homelessness' guy (keith wilson) is#you can't end unsheltered homelessness without banning camping. and i am vehemently opposed to a camping ban. it's inhumane#which helps a lot in weeding out candidates since it's a pretty mainstream thing for a politician to run on#two people are running basically on 'make the city better for artists' which is imo a weird focus given everything else we got going on#like that's admirable and important but it's not my number one priority?#but i might rank them anyway because as far as i can tell at least they don't hate homeless people!
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to be entirely candid july was such an insane month for me mental health wise. like i have been to therapy for YEARS and i am only just uncovering that i have the severe fear/guilt that if i am not productive i will be abandoned, and that i have OCD-like 'episodes' (?) that have sent me into psychosis in the past that i just assumed were... normal. and then also realizing that i was like massively fucked with during my senior year in such an insidious way that i never fully got until last month, as i otherwise blamed myself. and that's just a sliver of it? like. shit. psychodynamics really works man. also pro tip don't evade telling your therapist information just because you think it's "normal" if it feels bad because you might just end up saying something that in hindsight is a really unheard of experience
#ask to tag#mare oversharing? they would never#really cannot believe those 'episodes' are abnormal i almost want to poll about it but i'll just take my therapist's word for it#honestly the abandonment fear specifically is so fucking cutthroat and i almost regret bringing it up because it kind of haunts me#girl who has guilt over her privilege and recognizes that this is unbearably stupid but simultaneously has guilt over never being perfect#which is less stupid and actually detrimental but instead she mingles them both to concoct a nightmare unsolvable jigsaw trap#this is going to sound profoundly stupid but i didn't know that this fear of abandonment wouldn't stop causing me fear even after IDing it#like i assumed it'd just stop but nooooo i'm afraid of telling my mom that i haven't applied for a job bc [horrors that are unrealistic]#anyway. did not mean to vent but this is kind of lowkey killing me lol !#just. weird insane month for me leaving me with a lot of new reveltations but a hell of a lot new Issues
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middle school a struggle bc there was no freedom at all, like it's not allowed to take a break during class or facilitated to study in your own way like going over the material at home, and higher education is a struggle because there is way too much freedom, like unclear/very open assignments and no explanation about expectations regarding anything
#higher education#mental health#actually autistic#university#probs varies between middle schools but instead of giving me material to study at home and catch up they had me repeat year lol#i mean they did give me material to go over at home later on but only starting from the repeat year so only afterwards#i'm not kidding looks like i'll have to take a third additional semester i can't believe i'm actually failing this much#and the weird thing is i'm not even that stressed anymore like i was the first years with frequent meltdowns? i just feel so so tired#''there's a participation grade'' okay this means i'll now feel inclined to say something despite the teacher's awkward silence every time.#..i say something that's apparently not the kind of thing that's useful#gardenelfi.txt
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I wonder what made forcemasc suddenly pop because I've also gotten into it and been super tempted to make a sideblog for it 🤨
i'm not sure myself! i stumbled upon it by chance on tiktok (yeah i know), but it's not at all popular over there, so i was kind of surprised to find the tag so well populated over here. i'll take it as good fortune, though, because it somehow completely recontextualized the way i see myself and the way i'm visualizing my transition path, in the most awesome ways. i've never felt hotter it's epic.
#ace rambles#anonymous#forcemasc#also interestingly enough it made me comfortable calling myself a man instead of just a guy#i think this shift in perspective was going to happen in time anyway i could sort of see it coming but it really got jumpstarted today#before i was kind of sitting in this weird middle ground where like. i wasn't Opposed to being more masculine#but i wasn't actively pursuing it either#but between the forcemasc tag and the fact that i'll (hopefully) be on testosterone soon#i've both grown really excited to see how manly i can really get#and ALSO more capable of recognizing and embracing the masculinity i already have#i'm yapping in circles a bit but point is this has been a net positive‼️#also i highly recommend making the side blog i'm having fun with mine
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Casual life update! I have made a whole list of topics related to my szpd in my notes which I hope to write about. There's at least 15 whole different things, good amount of them being personal experiences. I'm not gonna run out of content for this blog anytime soon and in fact they'll probably keep on coming. These are some weirdly cathartic times.
#you know i think it's best I'm confronting the szpd at this age instead of the years before#i doubt I would've handled it well#but also i would not have the maturity to process it#at age 14 or so i was literally looking at the szpd wikipedia page head on. got weirded out and didn't go deeper on it#but then again. I didn't realize just how much that kind of behavior would impact life if left unchecked#even now I can't say I'm dealing with this in the best state of mind. oh yeah far from it#for better or for worse I've got a somewhat better grasp of this. meaning i could direct my focus to something solid#instead of something vage and abstract. yeah this means I'm pretty much forced to think about this 25/8 non stop#give me a week or so and I'll have processed it better#I haven't been doing writing exercises like these in a good while. it's good to stretch my fingers again#life update
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feeling sick constantly in the background all the time is like.. usually negligible-ish.. until multiple various chronic background issues all happen to overlap at once and then it’s like
#Like usually I cycle between like. joint pain issues. chest muscle injury stuff. back pain. stomach problems. headaches. etc.#There is never a day that I feel totally normal for the most part. but it's usually just little things here and there on and off#chronic things that seem to flare up sometimes. But then every once in a while it's like the flare ups align and I'll have 6 of the problems#at the same time and then is AaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#For some reason it's okay to deal with one or two of these things at any given time. but if I have to deal with like 3+ at once#or two of the old ones plus one NEW thing I've never had before or etc. etc.#I just can't even do anything. I run around stressed out of my mind unable to focus on any tasks or do anything but feel bad#then I cant even play games or do fun stuff becuause my brain wont let me be distracted from fixating on the fact that I feel bad#It's kind of the same way that it's stressful for me to go into grocery stores because my brain LITERALLY just is not capable of tuning out#all of the noises and lights and sensory information - so it' gets overwhelming quickly. I also just literally cannot tune out sensory infor#mation from my body. so if something feels even a LITTLE weird or a LITTLE painful or is even slightly different than usual#especially if it's overlapping with multiple other 'low level chronic pain' type things then my brain is just like.. being given way too muc#h information that it still cant tune out and then I can't focus and just walk around in a daze for however long until one of the issues#goes away on it's own (like joint pain flare ups usually come and go etc. etc.). or until I see a doctor abut whatever the new thing is#and maybe something they do or say actually helps or etc. etc.#Idk I have SO SO much I want to do the beginning of the year and so many projects to finish and things to post and schedules I have#written out for me to get on (like excercising more consistently and etc.) and it's just furstrating for my brain to just be like#ah.. nope.. we are not doing that. instead we are going to be completely incapacitated by a host of physical issues#which I think most ''normal people'' would just ignore like ''oh yeah I'll just load myself up on ibuprophen and coffee and energy#drinks and advil and sleep supplements and this and that'' or whatever but I can't do that it just makes stuff worse. I have to just sit for#days having a mind battle like 'okay yes we're having these problems.. but we can still like.. do SOMETHING right? we could like.. write#or draw. or things that don't take much energy'' and brain is just like NO!!! WE CANT!!! BECAUSE!! THING IS WEIRD!!!' and it's like okay#but thing is going to be weird. there's nothing we can do about thing being weird right now. so we should just focus on something else#'NO!! CANNOT TUNE OUT THING BEING WEIRD!! lets just fixate on it instead and wander aimlessly from thing to thing never able#to fully focus on any other task. hee hee''. anyway. hhghh.. sometimes I just get tired of having Various Ailments at any given time#especially unexplained ones or weird recurring problems that doctors haven't done much about because then it lends to paranoia like#'what if something is seriously wrong but I just dont know it yet?' which could be the case. I mean hopefully not. but I just hate stuff#being unexplained. because if there's no clear answer then the answer could be anything. even somehting bad. *** :V#ANYWAY gghhb... just bothered at the moment. I was going to come here like 'hey maybe I could post some drafts or pictures or something that#could feel productive!' but.. i dont feel like it. i dont care. too focused on Bad Feeling. just going to complain instead lol
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half 11 at night gender hits different
#i have been having. a weird fucking time#lile everything i thought i knew about myself is a lie kind of weird#like ive been keeping a whole tidal wave back#keeping it ina. box i didnt even know was there most of the time#everytime it tried to get out i shoved it back in so automatically i mostly didnt realise i was doing it#bc man is it uncomfortable#but i am only left with emptiness and disconnect#and everytime i shoved it back in the box got smaller and it was harder to shove back in#and here we are now#and its baffling and it doesnt make any sense but its the only thing that feels like it makes sense and it feels right to step towards it#but im not shoving it in the box again#i could life would be much simpler if i did but id carry on watching the girl in the mirror who's never been real live it instead#and i think sooner or later the box would fucking shatter anyway#WHOO#anywayyy thats enough hyperpersonal life updating for tonight 🤣#it's a very confusing time but also exciting and I've never been more hopeful that this might actually be it#im not ready to say what i think i am yet i can barely say it to myself in plain words but I'll get there 💜#mine#gender adventures with neednoggle#maybe delete later
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