#i'd rather do literally anything else
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brush test slash rendering practice with ayem
#morrowind#almalexia#the elder scrolls#tes#tes fanart#art#id in alt#ok that's all the tags this needs ANYWAY#i started this 1. for experimenting with coloring from dark to light#2. because i wanted to draw someone kind of back turned to the camera#3. rendering practice for hair particularly#4. to go from sketch to rendering rather than doing lines to see if that doesn't smooth out my workflow a bit#5. because i've never actually used this brush past flat coloring#and out of those 1. i don't think i had enough of an idea of the palette or process to jump into dark to light painting so i did scrap that#and go with my usual “flat color with one of the mid shadow tones add shadows add light”#i do think that painting from shadows out is a thing people do digitally i just think this wasn't the drawing to test it on for me#i think i'd need to look at some other peoples processes and start with a more fleshed out idea of where to go#2 and 3 i think worked out. i'm gradually figuring hair out which i think is sick#4 i also think worked out for me which is also sick because i do get caught on lines a lot. they're fun sometimes but i think some drawings#benefit better from not having them and that it might be a bit faster#and of course everything i do is so that i can draw slightly faster and better for next artfight#as for 5. i have mixed feelings on this brush but that might be because i hate change. and also because i started this drawing on the 15th#of november and finished it yesterday. so im kind of just sick of working on and looking at it#it was a valuable learning experience and i think it came out well! i am also going to drop to my knees and rejoice when i can finally#close this file out and free medibang paint from under it so i can work on Literally Anything Else#thank you almalexia for being my test subject i should've used a reference for your armor when i did the sketch but i didn't#maybe the crown looks weird because of it maybe it doesn't. not my problem anymore i can draw other elves again#my art#iiii think i forgot a my art tag last time
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I don't know... horrible things happen all around the world and it's not a competition
Atrocities are committed against multiple groups in multiple parts of the world at the exact same moment, and none of them erase each other. They all matter, all the people in this world who are being brutalized matter. There shouldn't be any line you draw where one group doesn't actually matter as much as another
You're welcome to prioritize your energy towards helping one group or another, but what's not ok is invalidating or dismissing people who are actively being harmed
Same goes for trying to figure out which social group has things worst (and lets be honest, always using a US lens)
Like... maybe the important thing is to prop each other up and help everyone get on their own feet rather than trying to... pick fights about if physical disabilities or mental illness are less respected (I'm trying to pick a more absurd example but sadly I've seen exactly that argument happen before). Maybe it doesn't really matter and what matters is helping who we can when we can
I'm tired of it, I'm just fucking tired of it. Support people, champion them when the world is just brutalizing them, but you don't need to throw a single other person under the bus to do that
Which seems to be an absolutely impossible lesson for people to learn
#I won't say anything else on this; but I will say that to me one of the groups that it feels like is most forgotten is Syrians#including by me if I'm honest#I don't know what's currently happening in Syria... but... my understanding is it still hasn't really gotten better#assad is still brutalizing people last I had heard#so rather than saying anything else I'd prefer to simply focus on some people it feels like were forgotten back during Obama#and... and have remained forgotten#and I'm sorry I can't do more to help with the suffering in the world#but... you notice what I'm not having to do here?#I'm not having to throw a single other person under the bus#I'm able to just focus on how much I wish for Syrians to be ok (which is a hollow gesture on my part in many ways I think)#and I can keep all the focus on Syrians rather than throwing anyone else under the bus or doing any whataboutism#and that's literally all I'm asking of you fucking people#don't downplay human misery to try and make your thing seem more important#they're both fucking important... they're all important#there's so much suffering I can't even keep up with it#there's so much of it that I can only name without knowing the details; Congo; I believe Sudan is still suffering; Haiti#I don't know how things are in Ethiopia right now... I can't keep track#and none of these situations and the horrible things they're dealing with; things I haven't even been able to follow#none of it detracts from and of the issues I am following more closely#I don't need to compare them and say 'well it's not as bad'; because... bad is bad and any is too much#and nothing I say here will do a damn thing; no one'll hear and even if they did they'd ignore it or get pissed#that's what my evidence shows me about how people behave#but suffering isn't a competition; the correct amount is zero#and... perhaps I'd have more tolerance if I hadn't watched how you behave with stuff#...the worst part is the person I adore who... man... I wish I could just get them to really think through their words#they mean well; they're coming from a place of love; but I just haven't been able to paint the picture for them of the harm#and I'm flawed; I don't have all the answers; I could be wrong here#but... can you at least see why I feel that maybe we shouldn't pit misery against each other#that the people suffering have more in common with each other than opposed and... maybe westerners aren't fucking helping#eh... too fucking drained thinking about this; end of tags
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I really am so sad I don't like isat. The themeing was very good
#isat critical#like the ''we must be prepared for the destruction change will bring'' shit came back so hard at the end#specifically with loop context/destroying themself to become a star. to become loop#and the fact that when siffrin deviated from the script. finally changed the way he performed his play (act 5)#that's when it broke#and he had to ''destroy'' his friends to do it. In a way. When all he knew how to do was fight/snapped#and it's like. of COURSE loop is how siffrin was able to escape. Because escaping the loop meant siffrin had to save/love themself#value their own life and not just their friend's#to realize that they couldn't do it on their own. that they needed their friends to help them out of it. they needed support#that being loved was more than saying the right thing or doing the right quest#isat is so strong structurally/thematically/plot-wise and I personally despise it comedically/character/dialogue writing-wise#and the whole game is dialogue. like isat is the most conflicting experience I've had in a while#Where I hate actually reading the dialogue and I don't like the character writing but I love thinking about it's themes. like hello#that sucks i'd rather have it just be one or the other#*aaravos voice* you must live life in the grey#Like the king and siffrin foil is my beloved. And I absolutely adore how the King's story was ended.#But I dislike siffrin as a character and I also hate most of the game's execution#like every emotional beat is made anticlimactic by the lack of subtext and the constant repetition#(literally laughed out loud at ''my house my country my HOME!'' like we said the same thing 3 times babe. the whole game is like this)#isat has a huge case of ''we wanted conflict but didn't give characters any real flaws to be able to do it''#idk. Everyone repeated over and over that they don't touch siffrin because he's uncomfortable with it. Over and over.#And yet he's still like. ''It's because Isa finds you disgusting'' Huh. Idk if we did the work for Siffrin to come to that conclusion#Like literally Isa never does anything to even imply that. All he's ever done is sing Sif's praises. makes me feel crazy#Like ''oh he views everyone else as just a character!! a pawn!'' except no he doesn't. he barely did in act 5#and even in act 5 he's horrified at how he treated odile. like. we did not commit to that. I got sad lukewarm flowey#Do not even get me started on odile's ''I think it's so cute you trapped yourself in time and went crazy because you love us''. Girl#Like no we can. We can commit. Siffrin did bad things and going crazy was bad. Odile wasn't wrong to be upset.#Like why not 'That was terrible of you to say. But I won't leave you—you still love people who make mistakes- because what else is there?'#like we got so close with the worst loop being the permanent loop. Siffrin is still loved no matter what. But idk. Felt brushed off#oh isat...you strange being...
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i use a box cutter all day at work and for the first hour or so every time i open it i hear needy lesnicki say "do you know what this is for? it's for cutting boxes" and then jennifer check's "do you buy all your murder weapons at home depot? god you're butch" bc i'm normal about this movie
#it's the best part of my day besides getting to use a box cutter#who wants to do a rewatch with me instead of finishing moving#(who wants to help me finish moving bc jesus christ at this rate i will not. i like my old house too much -_- and i Do Not Want to live in#the new house with 5 strangers and a bedroom that is a repurposed linen closet)#i just want to watch my gay little movies and take my gay little naps bc i finished fitting my gay little pants#all my craft supplies are at the new house to tempt me into moving in properly so i can access them but i'm finding i'd rather sit on my#floor mattress and watch youtube than do literally anything else#in my defense my job is unpacking boxes for 8 hours a day so you'll forgive my distaste for it off the clock#sigh. [beat] even deeper and more resigned sigh.#a post
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summer loneliness made me read 230 pages of the idiot today
#you know who else is an idiot#who thought her friends would be excited to do stuff .. literally anything#literally feels like I am actively forcing them to go out with me like a needy partner#I'd rather do all the fun things I programmed by myself#personal
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*through gritted teeth* I just gotta do it and get through it i just gotta do it and get through it i just gotta do it and get th *starts crying*
#university makes me want to kill myself once again#i just know the degree would be helpful (albeit objectively useless) to get better job opportunities in the future#so i can't quit#i just. really don't wanna continue#but i just gotta do it and get through it etc etc#okay i gotta go back to trying to find just a hint of motivation to deal with this stupid useless crap i need to prepare for tomorrow#i can't even bring myself to study korean anymore because what's the point anyway#i need to focus on work and university (throwing up just thinking about it) so i have no time for korean#(i say as i do literally anything but work for university. i just feel guilty not doing it or doing anything but university work#so since korean is doing something else i cannot do it even though this means i'm not doing Anything at all#because I'd rather die than deal with university. makes total sense right)#void screams#academic misery
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I hated the Switch so fucking much, I gave mine away so I didn't have to have it around, anymore.
That said, very excited for the people who intend to play that new pokemon, when it comes out.
#em.txt#it's important to know first & foremost. i am a hater.#i hate that console so fucking bad. I can't stand it. the price the drift the battery the PLACEMENT OF THE WIFI CARD#the shit internet connection BECAUSE of that placement. it is not a console. it is a fucking handheld that can stream to tv.#i want to like ot so fucking much bc i like that concept but the execution is shit#& the only game i owned that i legit miss playing is PLA bc it's good. everything else can burn#for further context. the man i gave it to was my older brother#who has shared many things with me when i was young & had no consoles of my own.#i gave it to somebody because he had done the same for me & i refused to charge him when he gave me so much#I am interested to see what this new game will be like & will definitely watch lets plays#but if you think i am rebuying that pos console again you must be out of your damn mind#I'd rather keep the 300 dollars & put it towards a gaming pc so i can emulate that shit.#my interest in consoles had always been towards nintendo but i cannae stand this co. or its products rn#i hope legends continues to be a series. i hope they can do literally anything with kalos.#the switch was in its box w/ the games taking up space i wanted that shit gone bc every time i saw the box#i remember that i was a chump that forked over 300 dollars (not uncluding games) for a console#i never fucking touch bc it's more annoying than its worth
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is it possible to common sense your way through ochem, asking for a friend
#i'd literally rather do anything else than study chemistry 🥲#if it isn't the consequences of my own actions
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Watching the Junji Ito Maniac episode "Mold", and as far as I can tell so far, it looks like it's based on the visceral terror of real life black mold taking over your house until you can afford to fix it or move
and frankly literally nothing else scary needs to happen this is the scariest story he's ever written
#if there is an episode about this show just based on the concept of bed bugs and literally nothing supernatural occurs#it will hands down be the scariest episode of television I've ever seen.#I'd rather find literally anything else in my bed then real life bed bugs again. I was going to say I would rather find a monster in my bed#but as a monsterfucker I feel like this goes without saying#I'd rather find the thing from John Carpenter's The Thing in my bed than normal bed bugs#junji ito#junji ito maniac#original#and from what I've heard about black mold it's not only a serious biohazard but extremely difficult to get out of a house#I paused to write this because I got spooked by the concept of mold - literally nothing has happened yet except for a guy going 'gross!!'#but it is one of those rare nights where staying up later than usual is not in my worst interest#I have a silly show set up to watch after this like a spookiness rip cord#friends if you ever come home to your house and it's covered in unidentifiable mold you need to get out of there until it's checked out#ESPECIALLY if the family you leased it to was drawn by junji Ito#listen I know it's a metaphor for the human mind probably but holy crap dude you got to move#well the good news is the mold was probably just a baby#like a horrific physical manifestation of a baby clinging to every surface of the house and devouring everything in it#no joke that is way less scary than the concept of actual black mold XD I was like oh thank fuck it's magic#oh fuck yeah now it's Library demon time#oh how the memories of the past do haunt us eh buddies?#Jesus fucking Christ does this guy know how to draw a scary scary scary face#oh how I would have hated him as a child#oh how I long to possess his strange and horrible powers of art now
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like i just don't get it
#everyone has someone except for me#everyone has a loving partner or at least one close friend if not a whole group#someone who actually wants to fucking talk to them. spend time with them. someone who cares. makes an effort#i don't understand what's wrong with me#even if people are nice to me or at least not explicitly rude#it seems like no one wants to form a deeper connection with me and i just. don't know what i'm doing wrong#i've tried being normal i've tried embracing being weird#nothing ever works. there's no one for me. i don't get it#i've been trying so so hard for so long to be brave and put myself out there and try#and just. i'm still alone#i have nobody and i'm starting to realize i never will. i have no goals for the future. i have nothing#what's the point anymore ....#talking to the wall rn. i know no one cares. if anything i just bum everyone here out and annoy them#i have no one online i have no one irl. i just have fucking nobody and i'm tired and i'm scared and don't understand what i'm doing wrong#i want to go take a shower. slice myself up with a razor and watch blood swirl down the drain just to feel something else rn#there's literally no hope for me#i don't want to keep doing everything alone. i'm not strong enough to keep going like this. i'd rather just die#snow.txt
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just occurred to me this morning as i woke up this morning why i'm (probably) so taken aback by people in orchestra being So Nice to me cause i saw some photos on social media posted by ppl i traveled to [redacted] with, people who only stood to even have a conversation with me as a last resort kind of social option. i have literally Never gotten along with groups of people, Ever, unless that group of people was also orchestra people. seriously
#i wanna talk about me#sasha speaks#i'd say it's kind of sad that most of my irl social life (and half of my online one) begins and ends with other musicians#and probably should've realized YEARS ago what that says about me and my dumb brain (a touch of the 'tism)#but at the same time like. idk i can't truly make myself feel Bad about 90% of my social life#being in the rehearsal hall for the past 7 years#cause i do love playing and i love being somewhere where people don't Fucking Hate Me#(or at least where i'm not constantly the last choice of person to interact with. sometimes below no interaction at all)#and if i convinced myself to hate orchestra on the grounds of it being My One Social Outlet i'd just. idk. die or something#cause i literally have nothing else lol all k have is music#idk maybe music people have an ulterior motive (want me to play good for/with them)#but that's better than not wanting to have anything to do with me at all right?#and anyway. some violist saying he'd rather see me playing principal on the concert than dan. he's got no skin in that game right#except for being nice and liking me as a player#and while i want to be liked as a Person too i'd rather be liked as a player over not liked at all#(i don't think he even necessarily dislikes me as a person. we just never interact outside of rehearsal so i've never really encountered#him in a different context so i wouldnt know lol)#just. agh. getting invited to sit at the lunch table with other people by a pianist classmate. man!!#they don't know that.jpg it means so much to me just to be invited to eat together
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why am i coding ead on a fucking sunday at 3:30
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"desperately craving morally gray female characters who have self-interested agency in their plots" and "also realizing that said gal characters are literally the hugest indicator of misogyny in a work you can possibly find" are two feelings that can and should mutually coexist
#how salty are you about this today? yes#been focusing a lot of my time and effort on creating art/writing for my own projects but this thought's been worming in my brain a lot#thinking back on the way High Card treated Burst utterly embitters me and so i ended up writing this as a vent based on her lol#i lost all my love for that show the moment it treated Burst as a literal punching bag for a male character#and watching her be brutally assaulted by a male character and sacrificing herself for the sake of someone she met for 5 minutes is yikes#and as far as im concerned she and her alter-ego are the only characters from that show who still exist to me#anyways the point is if you have a morally gray gal character and the writing makes a point to strip away her agency or force her to be a-#goody two shoes all of a sudden that's misogyny and i won't hear otherwise#bc god forbid we let a gal be allowed to have control over her life or to do anything that isn't for the sake of someone else#because you can see how problematic that is right?#right???#anyways welcome to late night thoughts that dishearten me as an aspiring creator of everything i wish i'd find in other works instead#if only because i'd rather read a story about a cool gal character with agency and her own interests at heart than be the writer of one
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woke up on friday to a msg from my ex partner/fp and i have been struggling with what to do ever since. also who the fuck sends somwone a tiktok at 1am when as fair as he's concerned you hate him and then expect him to gladly have a conversation with you at 11 (he has his own life surprisingly)
#when i woke up i asked if they sent that to the wrong person bc i was like well im sure they'd be embarassed to see that if thats whats up#but they sajd no they thought it was funny and that i'd like it#but i was also like. literally crossing the street to get to class so i just said i'll watch it latwr#i lied#and they asked how i'd been doing and i almost typed a few things and then just dipped#i also havent been hiding my status or anything bc idrc#okay i do but not like any more than i would for anyone else. trying to anyways#i've been talking in a gc a lot and sending random dms to others so#also posted a lot on twt about the tempus offcollab bc i kinda use flayon as a replacement for obsessing over some1#its a lot healthier for me and i am actually rather sane about it i just think abt him a lot lol#but i'll probs send somethjng to them later tonight#just bc im concerned#its kinda killing me bc maybe they didnt wanna admit they needed something from me til after.#and even if they didnt i'm gonna tell them to remember why they left in the first place and we'll go from there#im not sure if we should be friends again if thats what they're after.#i dont wanna go back to how i was and i cant see anything but that happening.
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PAC How Will Your Future Spouse View You
Pile 1 Pile 2 Pile 3
DISCLAIMER THIS IS A GENERAL READING TAKE WHAT RESONATES AND LEAVE WHAT DOESN'T.
Strictly for entertainment purposes.
PILE 1
So, before I get into the tarot bit of the reading the overall vibe I am getting is that you and your future spouse will be that couple that are still doing cute stuff together even in old age. You know those older couples you see on TikTok on dates still happy and very much in love, yeah like that. One word I can use to describe it is cozy, just very warm and affectionate basically feeling like this person is your home. It's going to be like 'I'd rather come home to you then be anywhere else'.
On to the tarot bit, Your FS sees you as someone very confident and optimistic (even if you don't see yourself that way). They see you as being positive and very wholesome. Again, before I pulled cards I channelled and I still got the warmth.
Oh my gosh, if any of you have read The Song of Achilles that's basically it. Before anyone points out to me they were a same sex couple .Yes, I know but I am talking about the relationship dynamic between Patroclus and Achilles.
You may have gone through a difficult time in your life and your future spouse will admire how strong and resilient you are, how you're able to adapt to challenges and changes in environment. You may be the type of person who is connected to both their divine feminine and masculine and they truly find that attractive.
They certainly view you as their other half and I know its cliche to say soulmate but that's all your future spouse is saying. You just give them so much happiness and emotional fulfilment.
'They are my home, my soulmate, my forever'
PILE 2
Ugh Pile 2 your spouse will literally worship you😩. Like you'll tell them your insecurities and they'll just sit there kissing every scar, mark, dimple anything you're insecure about they'll adore. If you're a female or a feminine reading this and you have thick thighs I heard them say 'Come here and crush my skull with those sexy thighs'. Whoever you are you have someone's poor child down horrendous for you.
I think they may be the type to just watch your social media whether you are getting to know each other, dating, engaged or married your social media pages, pictures and videos will always be on their phone screen and they won't go to sleep without listening to a little voice message you sent. Once they get attached baby there's absolutely no getting rid of them, I heard 'You'll have an easier time getting rid of bed bugs'.
When you meet them, they may be a party animal or a player.
Disclaimer it's not toxic obsession more like they will let you be your own person but at the end of the day they are yours and you are theirs, you are their spouse, and they are your spouse and they will forever put you on a pedestal not to the open where they will neglect themselves.
They see you as a prize (again not in a creepy way) You may have options when you meet this person but best believe they'll make sure to stand out and win you over. They see you as the best the world has to offer in terms of what a wife/husband/spouse should be. Your person may have had a few letdowns when it came to love and just know that they see you as a dream come true and again, I know that's very cliche but trust me when Isay they view having you as a spouse as their biggest accomplishment and they want you to know that they'll prove to you every day they are worthy to call themselves your spouse. They feel like you have gone through a period of depression and sadness, and they want you to know that they acknowledge it and they see you as strong every day.
The couple I channelled for you guys is Queen Charlotte and King George from Bridgerton.
PILE 3
First thing I heard 'Sugar Daddy'. This person will spoil you but love you even more. Yes, they may have money and give you gifts but this person truly does love you, care about you and respect you.
They may be older than you that's why people may think that they are your glucose guardian which is not technically wrong and not technically correct either. I feel like that will be a long term joke you two have about them being your sucrose supplier..
They will definitely view you as delicate, I want to say that they are the protective type but not protective to the point of you feeling suffocated by them. They want you to be comfortable and have what you like 'If my spouse wants that watch I'll get it for them'.
They will view you as fun loving, yet you have this air of power to you that they love. Sure, they view you as delicate and they want to protect you, but they also view you as strong and beyond capable of taking care of yourself and those around you basically your spouse is saying 'they want me, but they don't need me'. They know that you can walk away from them anytime and they like that you're always in your power no matter what.
Your spouse admires how you don't need them to feel whole or for financial gain they see you as a breath of fresh air, a change of pace, an adventure.
He may touch you a lot with your consent obviously, like a hand on your waist, shoulder or they may steal little quick kisses. Also, there may be a lot of friendly banter in the relationship.
The couple I channel for you guys is Fallon and Liam from Dynasty.
#free tarot reading#pick a pile#pick a card#future spouse#tarot reading#tarotcommunity#tarotblr#tarot cards#daily tarot#love tarot reading#love tarot free#pagan#paganblr#hellenic pagan#Spotify
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