#i'd love to hear from cluster As about their experiences

[annaphoenix1994]

Uncharted Territory

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To say that I wasn't nervous was bloody lie. My stomach was turning knots during the whole flight, looking down at my lap as the plane landed. Kiera sat close by, but not too close as she wanted to give me space, subconsciously knowing that I was overwhelmed with a turn of events.

"Alright, we're here," She smiled at me. "You nervous?" 

"No." Yes, I bloody am, but I'd die before I told you the truth about it.

She cocked her head, her gaze knowing that I was lying - but she didn't acknowledge it. She noticed how nervous I was by her constant gaze on my lap, watching my left leg bounce up and down frantically, my tense shoulders, and my shaky breathing. She probably began to wonder why I felt this way, but she tried to understand me for what she could gather during the flight. I had no family waiting for me back in Manchester, no friends aside from my comrades, no usual fling waiting to happen at my local pub, nothing. Usually, I just went home to my flat and spent a few days there, sleeping and pushing my body's limits by going to the gym located on the bottom floor before going out into the town to drown my loneliness by nursing on a bottle of bourbon before hopefully finding a fling for the night. Perhaps this new experience would be good for me, and another reason to get closer to her. 

I followed her out of the terminal into the parking garage, the cold Wyoming air making goosebumps erect on my forearms under my jacket. Personally, I loved cold weather so I could keep my body concealed, including my face, but since we got onto the plane, my balaclava had been stuffed into my jacket pocket with no intentions to put it back on until I returned to duty. I watched as she dug into her pocket, pulling out a key fob before pressing a button, unlocking the massive RAM 3500 that sat in an isolated parking spot. Bloody fucking hell, there's no way she drives this thing. But if she does, it's so fucking hot. And fitting, to say the least. 

"We can put everything in the backseat. I'm so ready to go home." 

"I say you are." I replied, going to the passenger side to toss my duffel back into the backseat before climbing up into the passenger seat. The truck smelled of leather and coconut from the bottle of hand lotion in the cupholder. It was an odd mixture, but it was also comforting. 

"Alright, baby, please start." She said to herself, putting the key into the ignition. He watched her turn the key to the right, the diesel working hard to start in the cold weather, hoping that it did as she kept her eye on the instrument cluster as she waited for the glow plugs to do their job. 

After another try, it fired up, a thin cloud of black exhaust coming from the tailpipe. 

Diesel trucks were rare to see in the U.K., but when they were spotted, I was no better than a young boy looking at them in awe, desperate to hear the turbo whistle with acceleration, except most diesels were just box trucks instead of pickups. The biggest pickups commonly seen in the U.K. were smaller than an American 1/2-ton truck. Please rev it, love...  

She plugged in her phone while the truck was warming up, going through new notifications before breaking the silence, "Let's drown out the silence with some music. What do you say?" 

"I'm just a guest here, love. You can play your music as loud as you want to for all I care." I shrugged. 

"I don't play it loud unless I'm mad, but I'm in a fairly good mood right now, so I'll keep it down," She giggled, putting the phone in the cupholder before putting the truck in reverse, backing out of the parking spot and making her way out of the parking garage. "My parents don't know I'm back home. I'm going to surprise them. We got back just in time for Thanksgiving with about a week to spare. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving, Simon?" 

"Some of us do, but I personally don't. Never had a reason to." I frowned, turning my head to hide my frown from her, hoping she didn't notice. 

"Well, that's going to change for you this week. You're looking a little thin, Simon. We have some work to do." She teased. I was in no way thin, and I knew she was joking. I weighed 230lbs for Christ's sake and nearly took up this seat with my wide frame, physically having to move the seat back to keep my knees from kissing the glovebox, but I was giddy with excitement when I was offered to attend a feast with a bunch of Wyoming ranchers. 

One thing I knew about ranchers is that they knew how to feed people and worked twice as hard as the normal person. This was going to be a vacation for a man like me: work and food - I couldn't be happier. 

And with a woman I was interested in? Fuck, that was more than a bonus. 

"You're right, love. My spine was showing this morning." I chuckled. 

"Don't you worry about that. You'll be fattened up by the time our leave is over. Might even have to hit the gym before we go back." 

"Or you could put me to work." 

"Be careful what you wish for." 

"I'll be alright," I smirked. "Weather usually get this bad at this time of year?" 

"This isn't even a lot of snow compared to what we get in the winter. Last year, in January, our temperature for the high was twelve degrees with a windchill, making it to feel like negative twenty. It comes in waves, but we're prepared for it." She explained. 

It was near the end of November and snow was already on the ground? This is my kind of place. 

I couldn't help but notice her faint southern accent, and I couldn't help but pry. "Where are you from originally?" 

"Well, I was born in Montana. My dad was retired from the Marine Corps at the time, but he was working for a powerline company, and we stayed in Montana for a few years. The ranch has been in our family for seven generations, but my uncle was running it at the time with my grandfather, and we couldn't focus on running the ranch when he was moving around so much due to work. I was seven when we moved out of Montana and then moved to Tennessee for a few years. When my grandfather passed away, my uncle decided to move to New York after he decided that he didn't want to ranch anymore, so we moved to Wyoming to take it over and keep it in our family." 

"So that's where the accent comes from." 

"Couldn't help but pick it up." She shrugged, giggling. 

"Of all places, why'd your uncle move to New York?" 

"He didn't want the ranch life anymore. All of us born into the life had no choice but to adapt to it. He wanted to start over for himself, I guess. He didn't want to be into politics or be a livestock commissioner like my dad ended up being after he got out of the powerline work. He's been a police chief in New York since ninety-three, and by how he puts it, he's loving it." 

"I barely like living in Manchester and couldn't imagine living in New York. Too many people for my liking." 

"I'm in the same boat with you on that one." 

"I only like living in a city for the convenience, but other than that, even being here, makes me wish I would've moved off the grid." 

"When you get to the ranch, you might not want to leave. Our nearest neighbors are miles down the road." 

As long as I can wake up to you every day, I'll take you up on that. 

"You've got it made, love. How far away is it from the airport?" 

"About an hour," She explained, looking over at me, seeing how exhausted I was. "You can get some rest. You look like you need it." 

"I don't want to be rude and sleep in your truck." 

"That's not rude, Simon. Get some rest." 

I reclined my seat, taking a deep breath before realizing that the heated seat feature was on, slowly dragging me into a comforting darkness. 

That nap was well-deserved, but not long enough. By the time I woke up, it was to the feeling of Kiera's truck coming to a complete stop. My first thought drifted back into my military instincts, thinking that we were stopping because of an ambush or having to exit to return fire, but when I looked around, I saw that we were in a McDonald's parking lot. "Do you mind if I make a stop and get something to eat? Are you hungry?" 

"Why would I mind?"  

"Just figured I should ask. I'll give you a warning, though, don't be surprised when I'm stuffing my face with chicken nuggets because I'm starving." 

"I won't look when you're stuffing your face with chicken nuggets, love."

"I don't give a damn if you look or not," She teased. "Just wait until Thanksgiving. You'll wonder where it all goes." 

It'll all go to your ass. And I won't be complaining. I like what I see. Fucking hell, Simon, stop sexualizing her!

"If you say so." 

"Well, are you hungry?" 

"Not at the moment. Want me to go in with you?" 

"Stay in here and rest, Simon. I'll be fine. I'm not going into enemy territory here." 

"Never know. Might run into a feral teenager willing to fight for chicken nuggets." 

"Well, I'd feel sorry for him, then." 

"I would, too." 

She breathed a laugh, "I'll be right back. Lock the doors after I get out. Can't have someone stealing this truck and running off with you." 

Why? Don't want me going anywhere, angel? Think I won't be able to find my way back to you? You don't know all about me yet, sweetheart. 

"I will. Nobody is going to run off with me." 

"Okay, well hold down the fort. I'll be right back." 

Moments later, she eventually returned with two drinks and a bag in her hand. This lass still got me something to drink when I told her I was fine, and I think I just fell in love. She had proven to me right there that she was considerate of my well-being, putting a thought of me along within hers. 

"I didn't know what drink you like, so I just got you an iced water," She explained, putting the straw into the cup for me as if I couldn't do it myself, but all I could do was sit and admire her caring attitude towards me - a stranger in her world, yet she treated me like a friend, and hopefully more. "And I also didn't know what food you liked or if you even ate at McDonald's, so I got you a chicken sandwich and some of their famous fries." 

"I usually don't, but I'm not complaining. Thank you, love. You didn't have to do that." 

"I wanted to, Simon. You look about as tired of MRE's like I am." 

"That I am," I chuckled. "Is it alright if I eat it later?" 

"Of course! I just wanted to get you something to eat because I knew you wouldn't let me get you something if I would've offered." 

"Yeah, I can be stubborn." 

I dozed off yet again when Kiera got back onto the main road, the lyrics of Zach Bryan's Open the Gate keeping my mind occupied after closing my eyes until I woke up again after she had stopped on the gravel driveway that led into the ranch, and when I felt the truck going over the gravel, I immediately shot up as if we were being ambushed, the sensation all-too familiar. "Relax, Simon." 

She drove slowly along the driveway while I looked out the window, seeing two men on horseback, what Kiera called wranglers, each equipped with a rope and a rifle in the scabbard on their saddles. "It's normal here," She spoke up. "We're close to the mountains. Never know when a wolf or a bear will surprise you." 

"Oh," I nodded. "So, I guess the Alejandro was right." 

"Right about what?" 

"He said you were a true cowgirl." 

She blushed, "I guess you can say that, but cowboys and cowgirls never have to introduce themselves as one. It's one hell of a life running a ranch. You'll see." She then stopped next to one of the wranglers on horseback, recognizing him as her younger cousin. 

"Well, well, well!" He shouted, stopping his horse. "Go on leave for three months and come back with a husband!" He poked. 

"Shut the fuck up," She scoffed, hiding her blush from me, but I saw right through her already. "Don't tell mom and dad I'm back. I was gonna surprise them." 

"They're out in town anyway getting lunch," He waved her off. "They'll be back for dinner. Your daddy's got to pick up a load of calves. They took the trailer with him." 

I watched her roll her eyes before looking over at me, "My dad is damn sixty years old, and he doesn't stay still. Always doing shit he doesn't need to be doing when he's got young men around here to do all the hard work for him." 

"I see where you get it from." 

"Frankie, this is Simon," She introduced. "He's our guest." 

"Guest as in guest, or boyfriend?" He poked. 

She glared at Frankie, "A guest I'm about to give permission to hurt you if you don't shut the fuck up." 

"Copy that, Officer," He snickered, readjusting himself in the saddle, mocking his cousin playfully. "I'll see you at dinner. Gonna go push some cattle to the front pasture for the winter." 

"That should've been done already." 

"Shit, you ain't been back for an hour and already runnin' this place. This ain't that much of a tight ship, cousin. Simmer down." 

I didn't like how her cousin was talking to her, mainly because I wasn't used to watching relatives bicker in play. I had hoped, for Frankie's sake, that he was joking. Otherwise, he'd be getting a death glare from me every time I laid eyes on him. 

"Yeah, yeah. I'll see you around." 

"When you get a minute, you need to exercise that blonde horse of yours. The fucker has been batshit crazy since you left." 

"Maybe because nobody else besides me is supposed to be riding him." She retorted, rolling up her window before accelerating the truck forward, curving around a bend and passing the main lodge. My eyes were glued to it - it was a modern log cabin with exquisite taste and class that was at least two stories. It was huge, and I wouldn't complain if I was stuck in there for a week without even going outside.

"Why isn't nobody else supposed to ride your horse?" I asked with curiosity. 

"It's a rule around here. Not just for me, but for everyone. You don't ride another cowboy's horse. We have horses that are a free-for-all, but a wrangler's main horse or one of the family's, it's a big no-no. Our horses are our partners. You bond with them to work together. If you put another person on them with different buttons, you can get yourself in a bind." She explained. 

"Never thought of it that way." 

"It's no different than military dogs," She shrugged. "You get used to a dog that's your partner in the field and expect them to be the same with another handler? No, they change completely because the energy is different. Same concept." She said, slowing the truck down to a stop outside her house. It too was one of class. It was a log cabin as well, but only one story. A pair of elk antlers hung above the front door and decorative lights lined the walkway. But what really caught my eye were the view of the snowcapped mountains behind the house. 

The interior smelled of leather and preserved wood. It was comforting, to say the least. And warm. God, I had been itching to get somewhere warm since the last mission on the ship, swearing I could still feel the water in my boots. I watched as she turned on the lights, seeing how well-lit the interior was. Everything was uniform and had a place. 

"I'll show you to your room. Make yourself at home, Simon." 

I was expecting a small room that was once used as storage instead of a guest room, mainly because it was something I wasn't used to. Something small and simple. No - this room looked like a master bedroom. A queen-sized bed, two side tables with lamps, a desk, a wardrobe, a television mounted on the wall, a longhorn cowhide separating my feet from the floor, and a joined bathroom. The room also smelled like warm apple cider, courtesy of the plug-in warmer. 

"I'm sure you're eager to get in bed." 

"I am," I nodded, setting my duffel bag aside. "Thank you, Officer, really. I-"

"It's Kiera, Simon," She corrected, catching eye contact with me. "We're off duty. We leave that behind us here. When I'm home, I don't want to even think about my next job. I enjoy what I have before I have to leave it behind again. I suggest you do the same." 

She didn't have harsh intent with her words, but they struck me as one to have a point. I could see in her eyes that her job took a toll on her, which was something we both had in common, except she seemed to decompress herself better than I could. 

Maybe I can learn a thing or two...

[adamsvanrhijn]

HATE the "hey you are mildly nerdy about [subject] therefore i think you have autism" thing this webbed site has going on. Over 60% of autistic people are non-communicable. Of those who are capable of communicating - and therefore of running a fandom blog - over 30% read below their grade level. "Autism = nerdy superpowers" is such an ableist and unrealistic portrayal of autism it's actually offensive. I'd love to know how many people on here actually have an irl autism diagnosis (not Aspergers - the damage done to autistic people by combining the two and therefore centering far less disabled people as the face/voice of autism cannot be exaggerated) and how many are just playing into gross ableist stereotypes.

I hear what you're saying! When discussing autism there is definitely a very clear bias in the general fandom-y nerdy user bases of Tumblr + Tiktok + Twitter toward people who can communicate with spoken & written language, and the prevalence/prominence of those ideas has altered the way people perceive autism in a way that can reposition an already vulnerable demographic of disabled people for whom resources are already very scarce.

I will say though I don't think the autism spectrum disorder designation including people of various communication abilities and developmental delays inherently centers people who communicate at average or above average levels. Like, Asperger's is not diagnosed anymore in part because the symptom cluster was not wholly unique from autism & the people making the distinction thought that it was not useful for diagnostics and care. At least to my memory what we are seeing online right now is very recent within the last like 2-4 years and seems a lot more Prevalent online than in real life?

Part of why I feel like it's more of an issue online is that where I've lived, resources as well as general understanding of autism seems to be centering people who cannot communicate and their families and caregivers which is how it has been since I was growing up. But I live in the middle of nowhere and that might not be true other places.

I think the fact that the clinical distinction is no longer made combined with how people who right now are nerdy tweens and teens lost 1-2 years of normal social development and school attendance is probably a huge factor, and this might not be a long term issue the further we move away from the impact of covid.

On a personal note—

I also think that due to the nature of how online communities work, we don't have a view into how people with above average communication skills might be affected by symptoms of autism offline, and that some of that might be intentional in that people don't want to bring those experiences into online spaces. People like to control the image they have online, you know??

I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder in 2016 as a young adult by a clinical psychologist after a childhood ADHD diagnosis, and my also double diagnosed brother has significantly more noticeable symptoms than I do including communication delays that I never had (I got the "little professor" moniker). I'm not sure what his first diagnosis was but we are both higher functioning/lower support needs while also in our youth being objectively disabled in a way that relates to autism symptoms. I didn't have support growing up and once I was in middle school I failed every semester until I dropped out of high school (this was also due to homophobic bullying) and he was on an individualized education plan for all of his school years.

I think a lot of people find solace in what their autism symptoms make easier, more engaging, or fun for them and want to focus on that and talk about that rather than all of the things that are difficult for them—and I bet this is especially true with younger people who might be more defensive in general and very, very conscious of how they are perceived offline. "Nerdy superpowers" online might be "can't physically go into the grocery store because the fluorescent lights are too bright" and "only talks out loud to 4 people and is ostracized in school & social spaces" offline.

[wispwhispers]

Multiplayer Game Development: Turning Day and Night into Fun⁠⁠

In many games, the transition from day to night is often just a simple change in the color of the sky and lighting. But what if it could become a real adventure with exciting gameplay?

I'd love to hear your thoughts, ideas, and maybe even a bit of criticism on how to make this transition not only interesting but also integrated with other aspects of the game.

To understand what I'm talking about, let's briefly go over how it's currently implemented. So, there's the sun, it kind of rotates around our virtual world. It's pretty straightforward: when you see the sun, it's bright, it's daytime; when the sun disappears, darkness falls, well, it's night, you get it…

Nighttime creatures come out to hunt, some plants yield crops only at night, and you can catch nocturnal beings while fishing. Plus, in the darkness, it's easier to spot hidden treasures and magical items, thanks to their glowing properties.

I would like to add a separate gameplay element in caves and dungeons. Essentially, these are locations where nighttime conditions always apply, with all their peculiarities. The main feature of such points of interest is that they come with significantly more dangers, traps, a higher concentration of dangerous creatures, but also the presence of rare rewards like clusters of crystals and magical items that players can use for crafting.

As you can see, it's all pretty primitive and dull right now. Share your ideas and experiences. Maybe you've encountered games where the transition from day to night brings something truly unique to the gaming world?

[vergess]

FWD: genuine question because I'm trying to resolve a perceived inconsistency: I believe you when you say losing >10% of your body weight rounds to impossible because usually you say true, researched things. I'm trying to square this with that I personally know multiple people who've done so, and I usually try not to assume my life is statistically exceptional so I'm kind of at a loss. (1/2)

FWD, cont: Hypotheses I've currently got include: actually I've met far more people than I estimate, making the denominator of this percentage higher than I realize, and: maybe some of the people I know might not count by the studies' definitions because they've only been lighter a couple years? You are good at stats and know about this if you have ideas I'd love to hear them. (2/2)

Right, yes! excellent point! I should have mentioned this in the body of that post, and will edit it in if I can find it.

So, first off: until someone has kept the weight off for 3 years it doesn't generally "count." As the number of years increases, the amount of re--gain usually does as well, with many people exceeding their starting weight. However, you'll usually "know" if you're one of the infinitesimally small percentage by year 3.

It's ALSO worth noting that these studies are based on moderate diet and exercise, without medication.

Using starvation dieting, extreme exercise, dehydration, steroids, and other such techniques you may be able to keep the weight off somewhat longer, at the cost of doing massive harm to your Everything (brain, organs, muscles, bones, all of it).

This has been common but widely ignored scientific consensus for decades, BTW.

We're going on 30 years of knowing this at the research level. That's since I was a kid.

And yet, right now, I know people being denied surgery for being overweight. Not even by a huge amount, like BMI 30 (the first step in Obese from Overweight). People are required to catastrophically damage their already sick bodies for the chance to receive massively shocking surgeries in the hopes of not dying, and then doctors "wonder" why fat people die younger.

But they don't wonder, really. They've known for decades. They just ignore it. They pretend at ignorance for the sake of their bigotry. Insurance companies, too, are allowed to basically kill people for being fat.

It's a constant goddamned near-death-experience.

All over the LIE that weight loss is meaningfully possible.

Finally, some personal notes:

Fat people tend to self isolate due to anti-fat bigotry, meaning that we're less "meetable" than skinny people, so sampling bias is inevitable when using your own life as a gauge.

Most people's lives have like... 3 Weird Statistical Anomalies because true, natural randomness clusters for arbitrary large periods, and the human brain evolved to be exceptionally good at identifying patterns, which makes clustering very noticeable.

You're like.... for sure underestimating how many people you've met, because like... unless you live in the smallest imaginable town (under 500 population), you've just met so many people that your brain discards them entirely. After all, how many other kids did you go to school with, and how long ago was that.

[brokenhardies]

woo woo, margarita, and long island iced tea + gwen, amber, and madoka?

𝘄𝗼𝗼 𝘄𝗼𝗼 〜 what’s their relationship like with their parent(s)/guardian(s)?

Gwen

Her relationship with Spencer's good! Better than her relationship with her dad! To summarise - being used as a DNA experiment, then p much being abandoned with your 'brother' for two years having to lie about his identity just for your father's sake, and then, after everything's been resolved he goes back and makes more robots???? Gwen literally takes Dax's name for that sole reason.

Amber

She has a pretty healthy relationship with her parents - well, the one that's still alive anyway! Her mum - Carol - became her rock after her dad died, even though she's busy with her work - being a nurse is a rough go when dealing with your 10 year old child grieving the death of her father - but Amber doesn't hold it against her. They're close but not like 'friends' close, there are boundaries and Carol knows that there are rules, but Amber also knows when her mum needs her space!

Madoka

In spite of her having a very close relationship with her parents, she constantly feels expected to reach very high for her dad's lofty goals. After finding out that Yuuki didn't tell him about Kamoshida, Eikichi is mortified and believes that Madoka's hiding things from him out of fear, so he tries to become more open, but even then that messes up. It's sad, and he's trying his best -- probably because of his own relationship with his father he kind of overcompensates. Plus as a Wild Card (headcanon taken by @hobie-doh), Eikichi can hear Della Rose and later, Hel, so he knows that she's probably a Persona user but doesn't know how or why she got the powers, but that's like awkward to bring up at the dinner table

𝗺𝗮𝗿𝗴𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗮 〜 does your oc have any disorders or disabilities?

Gwen

Gwen is pretty able-bodied! She has an inferiority complex if that counts as a 'disorder' :')

Amber

Amber is definitely neurodiverse but she hasn't gotten diagnosed yet, mostly due to not knowing if she's actually neurodiverse or if she's just being 'weird'. Probably has a Cluster-B Personality disorder of some description

Madoka

Madoka has both Autism and ADHD! tbh i also kind of wanna make her dyspraxic bc as someone who managed to get my coordination issues in check bc i really wanted to play the violin it seems like something Madoka would do as well!

𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘀𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗲𝗮 〜 who are some of your oc’s best friends?

Gwen

Up until meeting the Overdrive team, she didn't have any friends outside of Mack. Now, she has a tonne of friends - mostly in the team -, and stays in contact with them even if they're far apart. She also - somewhat - considers Jane Fairview her friend, mostly because she treats J-Borg like a person and not an experiment lol

Amber

Nate and Rachel have both been in her life the longest and she loves them platonically so much. She met Nate at a grief support group but they both felt bad bc their parents died long before they joined the group and felt like they shouldn't be there, so they hit it off. Then Rachel joined and they've been thick as thieves since! I'd also say Billy is one of her closest friends, they both know each other's secrets and other embarrassing traits :')

Madoka

Hifumi Togo became her friend upon moving to Kosei. Much like Madoka, Hifumi didn't have many friends, so Madoka immediately scooped her up, and she's kind of become her 'extrovert adopts introvert' friend. She also encourages Hifumi to get together with the protag, and is very happy when she finally confesses her feelings to him!

[bikepackinguk]

Day Thirty-six

It's been another day in paradise!

Well, I know it won't be paradise to many - the idea of having to get your drinking water from a nearby river, or your bathroom visits requiring a shovel, isn't everyone's cup of tea. But this incredible patch of true off-grid wilderness is utterly idyllic to me, and it feels like one of the most wonderful places on earth that I could possibly be. A true highlight of this journey.

Whilst the desolate moors here are devoid of much possibility of firewood, fellow bothy stayer and Calgarian Matt yesterday noted that peat does make a good fuel source, which can be found in abundance here. A short bit of experimenting last night and we were able to have a decent fire to while away the night chatting!

This morning I bid a fond farewell to the other half dozen travellers who were heading back today, before packing a lunch and setting off on a hike further down the road.

It's a good stretch of uphill out from the bothy, but it's a sunny day and the rolling hills make a lovely backdrop. It feels like I can't walk for more than a minute without hearing a trickling stream or rush of water down the countless gulleys around the place.

An hour and a half of hiking later, and I round the final corner of the hills to behold Cape Wrath Lighthouse! The real extreme north west point of the island, and braving the sheep path to the very top of the clifftops gives an incredible view back along the shore for me to enjoy a nice lunch.

On the walk over I was passed by a trio of Irish cyclists on the last leg of their tour, who I have a chat with and learn I'll be sharing the bothy with this evening.

I take a diversion at this point and rather than head back down the road I head further up the hillside to get to the cairn at the top for some more spectacular views, and start trekking along the clifftops back to the cove.

The journey off-road is a little marshy in places but it affords me a little more opportunity to forage up some more peat along with some dried heather to get another fire going this evening. I also had the pleasure of sighting a group of seven deer grazing up on the hilltops.

Once finally back to the bothy, I'm greeted by the trio of cyclists who have also managed a grand job of rustling up some more fuel.

As the tide is heading out at this point, I head down the side of the cliffs for a bit of bouldering along the shoreline, to see some cool tidal pools through a cliffside tunnel only accessible whilst the tide is low.

I take a further hike up to the top of the eastern cliffs for some more incredible views to try and catch a glimpse of the puffin colony here. They're just about visible but too far for my phone's feeble camera to pick up, but it's pretty cool to see them clustered along the cliffsides making a hell of a racket.

I'd been gifted a wee bottle of whiskey from one if the guys who left yesterday and have a little whilst above the clifftops. The North coast of Scotland has been incredible and I feel so privileged to have seen so much of it.

It's back down to the bothy after that to rustle up aome dinner before I'm joined by my fellow travellers to get a nice fire going outside and relax and chat away the evening.

And as the sun comes down, it's time for a 4 mile round trip trek up the road to find signal to get this posted! I think one more night will be spent here after this to give me an actual rest day as today has involved a lot of hiking to take in the sights, which has been absolutely required and a very good use of the day.

Until tomorrow!

[imreallyloveleee]

Random question and I might be mixing you up with someone else, but you did a lot of traveling around Asia recently right? What were your favorite places? Do you have any recommendations? Have a great day!

hi anon! sorry, i unintentionally sat on this for weeks. you're correct, it was me! i spent a year traveling around. more under the cut >

I visited Indonesia, Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, the Philippines, Taiwan, Hong Kong, South Korea, & Japan. It was wonderful. Most places we spent about a month, some we spent more like a week (Singapore, HK) and some we spent about 2 months (Indonesia, Malaysia, Japan).

It's so hard to pick favorites! Some of mine were:

Traveling around Java, the largest island in Indonesia, was a cool experience. This was last July, pretty soon after they opened post-covid, so there were not many Western tourists around, and it's interesting as a white person to be a very visible minority for once. Some of the highlights were Borobudur and Prambanan temples, which were incredible, and releasing baby turtles on a beach at a turtle sanctuary (which I'm now kind of skeptical about because I think it should have been at a different time of day for maximum turtle safety, but idk, too late now).

I also really loved Borneo. We spent most of our time on the Malaysian side, where we went scuba diving at Sipadan (amazing) and then stayed at the Kinabatangan River for a few days where we got to go wildlife spotting along the river and saw wild orangutans, which are super rare!!

Cambodia is a special place. Angkor Wat really lives up to the hype, visiting the different temple complexes in Siem Reap was one of my favorite things we did on the whole trip. It was also very heartbreaking and moving to visit the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum in Phnom Penh and to hear from some of the guides we had about how their own families were impacted by the genocide, or how they themselves were impacted by some of the unexploded cluster bombs dropped by the US. It's humbling, how kindly Americans are treated in ALL of these countries that have suffered greatly as a result of our government's actions.

Luang Prabang in Laos is absolutely gorgeous. Best sunsets I've ever seen in my life. It's touristy, but a nice, relaxed kind of touristy. After that we went to see the Plain of Jars out in Phonsavan, and then went up into the mountains for an overnight wildlife spotting trip, and that was our most off-the-beaten-path part of the trip for sure. Cramming with 30 people into a 12-person van for 8 hours on windy unpaved roads while the lady next to you pukes into a plastic bag then throws it out the window...turns out there are still Experiences to be had in the world, lol.

The Philippines had IMO the most beautiful beaches, and the best scuba diving. Oh my god the diving!!! We saw thresher sharks, they are so fucking cool. I want to go back.

Hong Kong was my favorite big city we visited. The Mid-Levels escalators are so fun.

JAPAN. Holy shit. Everywhere we went was beautiful, everything we ate was beautiful, everything there is just beautiful? Some of my favorite food, too. Lodging is expensive-ish, but everything else really isn't. I don't think I'd want to live there but as a visitor, just incredible.

People were so, so, so nice, everywhere we went.

I could go on and on. If you're looking for specific advice on anything, feel free to ask! I hope you're having a great day too <3

[manie-sans-delire-x]

*There were some inaccuracies in my answers in my previous ask that I sent you. I have re-checked it and corrected it.

And thank you again!

The criteria for these questions were: if I have been feeling for more than 30 months (30.5 months), then mark it as true.

True:

1. Moody

2. Empty inside

3. I stay in trouble

4. I take chances and do reckless things

5. People see me as a strange person

6. People see me as a detached and cold person

7. Physical fights

8. Try to get people to do things my way

9. Holding grudges against people for years

10. Awkward in social situations

11. Anxious

12. Self-harm

13. I get offended or take criticism badly

14. I often avoid social interactions or isolate myself from others

15. Impulse problems

16. I stand for my rights even if it envies others

17. I try not to take favors from those I depend on a lot.

18. External environment doesn't influence me much.

19. I am a very cautious person.

20. Not emotionally dependent on others

21. Trust issues

22. Do not seek advice or reassurance from others

23. I don't crave being the center of attention

False:

24. I have lied or conned anyone

25. No desire for sex

26. Question about Spouse/lover: Singl — So false.

27. Fear of abandonment — false

28. “Do I care how I look?” OR “I dress for myself.” It had to do with the appearance. — false

29. Does it matter to me How others see me? — false

2–3 Questions related to OCD (perfection): False

Uncertain:

33. Will I approach people if they like me? (I said none of the answer choices fit because I don't care if people like me or not, but marked true anyway)

And then there were 2 questions regarding paranoia and having unusual dreams which I marked it as false. So, 37 questions.

The one diagnosis that is blaring red for me right now is Schizoid PD. I also see some traits of schizotypal, avoidant, and antisocial.

What about symptoms of psychosis? Did they ask about that? Do you experience any hallucinations or delusions that you're aware of? I noted that you didn't experience paranoia though, which fits schizoid.

Definitely more Cluster A than B or C, I think whichever diagnosis you get, Cluster A is glowing red. If I were your therapist, I would explore that area more with you.

(Cluster B ruled out- some antisocial traits but enough contradicting traits that I would make that lower on the list. No signs of other cluster B- narcissistic, histrionic, or borderline.)

(Cluster C ruled out- some avoidant pd traits but cluster A is much more likely since there are no signs of other cluster C. People rarely jump clusters/have diagnoses from two different clusters.)

Would you agree with my perception? If you're open to it, I'd love to hear what results you get and if I was right!

I wish I could see the full test though, because my answer could drastically change. Did you say you have autism before? What about other diagnosis? (depression, general or social anxiety, c-ptsd?) All those may influence my answer as well.

[obsessed-loverboy]

Affection, Give, Jealousy, Personality, Quit, Unique, Zenith?

Affection: How do you show your feelings to your darling, if you do? How intense does it get?

> lol I'm pretty intense in general! honestly it would be a lot of attention, reminders, and if we were ever irl, definitely a lot of cuddling and kisses. I'm all about that cozy love vibes 💗

Give: Imagine you are getting interviewed by your darling or potential darling to be their beloved. How would your “application” be like, what can you offer them?

> djdhdhdhdnd oh god I'm getting flustered just thinking about it. but I'm not really very good at....describing myself. so I doubt I'd pass that kind of interview. I'm more of an obsessive darling/yan4yan than anything else, so I don't know how I'd be able to purposely get their attention. I don't even fully get the concept of rizz lol

Jealousy: How jealous or possessive do you get?

> I keep it in check. I try not to...and I'm very aware that those feelings stem from insecurity, so I try to make sure to ask for reassurance, and I try to talk about it before it gets to be a huge overarching problem....

Personality: How would you describe yourself in general? 

> gotta love cluster B symptoms lmao I have no idea how to describe my personality. I hope I come off as friendly, passionate, caring, and understanding. I don't know how well that reads. but I think a lot, and I care even more than I think, and I think more than I care to. and so I'm just kinda....an experience, I guess.

Quit: How long do you think it would take for you to “move on” from your darling if necessary? Would you be capable of moving on?

> lol. I've had to before. it's a hard process but I'm not here to force my presence on anyone......if my darling really wanted nothing to do with me, I wouldn't impose on what they wanted. love is about wanting what's best for the other person.....if someone I loved told me I wasn't part of any of that, I'd have to accept it. my shattered heart isn't anyone's responsibility but mine.

Unique: What kind of yandere tendencies do you have?

> obsessiveness and like....not memorization but like. honestly yeah kinda. I'm the person who will see a friend scratch their nose weird and immediately know they're worried about something. I like knowing people, I like hearing about people, so I'd try to consider what I know is important to them for making plans. I would love it if my darling relied on me to keep them focused on what they needed to as long as I get rewarded after for being such a good boy

Zenith: What would break you? What do you think would break your darling?

> .....I hope nothing would break me. and I don't want to break anyone I love. but I can be stubborn, and dramatic, and emotional. I'm a lot to handle. I wouldn't blame my darling for being overwhelmed with me sometimes.

[merry-andrews]

Hello dear writer! hope you're having a lovely day wherever you are X3 finally finally moved to lap top so I can write this comment 'flexing my fingers' let's go!

Dear Lord!! can we start with this chapter just felt so satisfying?!? Gosh if I want to pick a favorite, I'll choose this chapter!!! I was listening to Blue Jeans by Del Rey and 4am by Soft Siren while reading that made the experience even better..

 With their every visit, Johnny asks them and tries not to feel jealous while all they give him is Kenshi's fine and don't worry over and over.

Johnny doesn't even know what he wants to hear, but the pitiful reassurance like a broken record isn't really scratching the itch when the last memory of Kenshi is him gently squeezing Johnny's hand before being ripped away from him.

Johnny actually feels like someone tore his limb off to throw it off a cliff and he's there, unable to jump after it while bleeding in a metaphorical way.

God this part only. loved how romantically you described his distance from Johnny. like a torn off limb, being so worried over his well being and being jealous of God of fire because he can go and see Kenshi aww, Johnny always is the sentimental one between those two. it's like Kenshi is brain and Johnny is the heart. Johnny having an inside war because of his feelings and his ex wife was so nice to read. I really liked it you didn't pause on unnecessary details of their relationship, simply like passing by it, well-done job, really!

Kenshi's head snaps up at the sound of the door opening, and Johnny sees him sitting on a bed, holding the blindfold Johnny gave him in his hand.

That boy is soo sweet! I love it how you put extra attention on every part of your fic. every sentence, every scene, every dialogue is there for a purpose. its like our daily life, simple, maybe not even visible acts but you actually paid attention to them and it's why you're one of famous writer in this fandom! this lots of hard working only shows the amount of time and love that is poured in every single word. and then Kenshi getting up, absordly trying to hide the blindfold when he finds out Johnny is at the door awww, he's such a lover boy hhn!

The first thing Johnny sees is the fresh scars over the eyelids, it stretches from the under eyes to just below the brows, suggesting where the sais had sunken in and ground against the bones of sockets. They look pale pink and definitely not as thin as Johnny wished them to be but they at least looked like clean cut.

The next thing his stupid brain registers is how long Kenshi's lashes are. Johnny has never noticed it before, since he’s usually too busy being stared at by the man but in the stilled moment where Kenshi's eyes flutter slightly, they fan dark against his cheeks, its cluster line cut by the scars.

Kenshi opens his eyelids fully and Johnny stares frozen at his white, pupilless marbles of eyes.

He raises his hand to Kenshi's face, it feels like the man is staring back at him, waiting for him to say anything and Johnny almost touches the skin before he stops himself.

“Can I touch you?” He whispers, can’t help but push the taunt a little further now that Kenshi's sitting in front of him. It's a little hard to breathe like that when they're this close.

“Yeah,” Kenshi exhales.

Johnny gulps, knowing that Kenshi probably heard it too and he unfurls his fingers. Just as he places a featherlight touch at the end of the scar, Kenshi lets out a sudden, sharp yell.

I love love loved how you described scars and tissues here. giving Kenshi marble eyes was such an awesome idea! now he even looks more scary, eyes white and pupilless with faint pink scars around his eyes! I want this version of him in a sharp suit! though I must accept, first thing I thought about was how they wo't fall out of his skull? or does he feels heavy in head when he lies down on his back? haha. that moment of scaring Johnny reminds me of myself X3 I'd do the same in his place hehe and they aren't even dating but they already act like a married couple.

“I thought I hurt you!” He settles on shoving at Kenshi's chest but the other man catches his forearms and holds them against his chest.

This part I love! there's just something sweet in imagining Johnny going to hit Kenshi but other man holds him aww!

“Huh,” Kenshi hums, equally confused.  “Don't laugh. I'm new to this too,” he grumbles as he shakes Sento in his hands like a magic 8 ball.

Kenshi be serious!! also can I just say I love how you used all tumblr fan art refrences?! from marble eyes to magic ball.. God you're so amazing. fandom is truly blessed by you. I loved how Kenshi's ancestor have a say in their relationship. I imagine that blue man figure sometimes scolding at Kenshi when they practice "you should talk to him Kenshi Takahashi. tell him your feeling!"

That part of Kenshi trying to read Johnny's mind and Johnny actually feeling the connection, God your brain is such a wonderful place!! I wonder if Johnny can feel Kenshi's ancestors presents while they both are sensually connected? like, feeling them like a surge of energy maybe?

Their lips meet in the middle and the earth turns to bring them closer. Kenshi licks into his mouth and sucking on Johnny's lower lip, rolling it between his teeth with a tender bite.

“God, I want you so much,” Johnny murmurs into Kenshi's lips, taking in his warm breath as his inhale. “Stay with me. Be with me.”

Kenshi curses in Japanese softly under his breath, and Johnny doesn't know why that soft whisper twists his heart, turns him on, he just knew that it does.

AAaaahh!! this paragraph alone drives me crazy! I love a good kiss moment in fics and dear Lord, you did such a fine job on it. Johnny whispering to him, confessing he wants him and only him and Kenshi wanting Johnny back so badly I was listening to this part when I read it; I will love you till the end of time I would wait a million years Promise you'll remember that you're mine) and isn't it how their relationship is? love how you picture it, so sweet and innocent love blooming between two lost souls T.T

However, now as Kenshi looks back at him with a rapt expression, waiting for him to find whatever he's searching for on his body, Johnny finally leans back and basks in the beauty of the tattoos—bold, fierce, and captivating.

His eyes first land on the inked tail of a creature curving around Kenshi's right peck, coiled like protection, guarding the bearer against any harm. Johnny follows the tail writhe over Kenshi's shoulder and to the back, he can just imagine a dragon as the centerpiece on the swordsman's back, exuding an aura of strength and power in its deception. Its scale is intricately inked with a blend of vivid red, deep black, and bright green.

Over Kenshi's heart, the clusters of pink flowers on naked branches sit against the dark black backdrop of the tattoo, a fragility of life itself to the otherwise fierce imagery.

“ Ume ,” Johnny murmurs to himself and Kenshi's response of eyebrow rise confirms his guess.

God I want this part to be written in gold then be tattooed over my body!! Johnny loving Kenshi's tattoos is canon and I can't help, I'm just a simple human but I love a part of story I'm gonna read it again and again before moving to next part!! also this fact that you went and gave him a dragon tattoo too?! I can only imagine him in tiger or dragon tattoo. either one will go perfectly and like how I said once, it's just hot having a Kenshi with dragon tail tattoo over his chest and on his collar bone!!

“Do you like my tattoos that much?” Kenshi asks as Johnny trails his hands along the tattoos of his arms down to the matching oni heads on the backs of his hand.

In Japan culture tattoos are frowned upon but God, do Yakuza look hot with those colorful, traditional art on their body?! I want to hit him!! not only Johnny but whole fandom thinks you're hot with those tattoos, Kenshi!! I hope to see more tattoo appreciation in future chapters hhnn, those are all beautiful arts and colors!

A jar flies off from the top of the side table to Kenshi's waiting palm and Johnny lets out a disbelieved gust of air but fuck him because he can't deny that it is so hot to see a gross abuse of powers for inappropriate ends from the other man.

Johnny isn't alone in here! also, can I just say I loved that part of 'riding fingers' so? Kenshi making Johnny come once untouched and only by his fingers alone I'm!!! I'm SCREAMING here!! Johnny attempting to move the hand away but Kenshi resists, holding him close when Johnny trembles and rides out his pleasure was such an intimate scene hhn and Johnny being like ' you did that on purpose!' after it happened awww!! pouting and being angry at Kenshi because the man made him come untouched hhnn.

The whole love-making scene was really really soft and I don't know how you manage it but when I was talking about exact poses, it looked crude but when you tell them, it looks soft and sweet and so full of love! how you do this? it's a magical ability!!

Johnny tries not to let out an embarrassing whine at the loss of the swordsman's lips on him. In response, Kenshi, correctly interpreting his reluctance as a signaling, grabs one of Johnny's ankles to bring it to his lips, planting a kiss on the thin skin over the bone.

My favourite part of the fic! and oh God isn't it so romantic? kissing at sole and ankles, to me it's like 'I worship that ground these legs blessed by walking on it' not a fetish, it's more like body worship but like how you see in Jane Austen's books! charming, romantic men laying their lover softly between sheets and worshiping them from head to toe.

“Would you be a good boy and stay put,” Johnny chastises him, giddy with excitement before licking Kenshi's erection from hilt to top to take its head in his mouth, sucking it eagerly.

Kenshi throws his head onto the pillow, letting out a shout that's edging an animalistic growl and it's like a melody in his ears as Johnny bobs down the rest in between his hollowed cheeks.

Kenshi watches him, his hands gripping his hip like he gotta leave their prints on it, Johnny feels his gaze on his body as he slows his rhythm down to grind Kenshi's tip into  that  spot just for the swordsman to break it with a rough snap.

Johnny lurches forward, hands landing on Kenshi's chest to catch himself as his inside flutters with the shock of a real thrust. “ Kenshi ,” he tries to say it like a warning but only a wanton moan strung with pure desperation comes out of his lips.

Good God, I can only say this searing desire to own this fic, printing this fic so I can actually touch it, press it to my chest, make animalistic noises while running around the house with this physical copy, God I love love love loved this part! I want to hold you by shoulder and shake you around and around to show you how much I love you!! how much I owe you my life, how much I enjoyed this fic!! thank you so much! oh thank you, thank you for all of this sweet sweet smut!!

Johnny covers his mouth, trying to muffle his moans with his hand but his wrist is suddenly grabbed and roughly slammed onto the sheets beside his head.

“Let me hear you,” Kenshi growls gently in contrast to the ruthless thrusts of his hips and Johnny does exactly what he's told, a lustful moan escaping his mouth.

I love a rough Kenshi as much as soft Kenshi in bed!! this part was soo soo wonderful addition and a nice, fresh change of soft atmosphere and it was very welcomed! I love it how writers mention Kenshi being rough in bed sometimes, I think it's a little nod to his background and I think Johnny likes it too.

Johnny throws his head back for a second, losing himself to the feeling as he bounces with each deep, hard thrust. The pleasure coils tight in his guts and his heart shakes in his ribs with an anticipation or a magic hold, or some damnable combination of both.

Johnny hears Kenshi's orgasm more than feels it when the sound of several crashes and glass shattering blares with all floating furniture and items are dropped to the ground around them.

Dear God, I want to put you under microscope, want to know how you get all this ideas God do you even read your writing?! how you manage to always have the bestest ideas?! subjects floating around when Kenshi is in pleasure state? Johnny throwing his head back while he's bouncing up and down over Kenshi's lap?! dear Lord above, aren't I the luckiest one that I found you on AO3?! your work is a masterpiece of details. even small, but still impressive and God, love it how you always come up with a new idea every chapter!!!

He can just imagine a future with Kenshi where they wake up beside each other, have their meals together, share their space together, Johnny would tell a joke and Kenshi would roll his eyes, they would exist between four walls, steps away from one another, they could love, oh love each other just to fall asleep in their arms. Life's simple pleasure.

“Are you crying?” Kenshi’s surprised voice cuts through the silence.

Kenshi leans forward, placing his lips on Johnny's forehead, and holds him there as long as he needs, as much as the world allows them to be, as big as their hearts beat in the chests.

The ending of chapter is always the important part. It's such breathtaking job (and I mean it) everytime you always manage to write the most effective endings!! God I was tearing up with Johnny at the end while listening to these lyrics;

You are all I want I'm your cherry bomb Live forever young Die when you are gone

Flow Inside When I'm with you I feel alive And we're still lost Together.

Thank you, for gifting us this lovely chapter!! I love and adore anything you write but this chapter? going to stay on my mind forever T.T

Love you so much and have a good day, dear writer!

M.

Chapter 9 is out!!

Chapter summary: they get their shit together ❤️

[ur-stepdad]

I did not know there was such a thing as cluster c personality disorders. I thought it was just a and b

I think that people are generally most familiar with Cluster B personality disorders. A lot of people know that there’s a Cluster A, but don’t know any of the actual disorders.

Personality disorders are grouped into clusters based on what kind of thoughts and behaviors are associated with them. It’s not uncommon for a person to have more than one personality disorder, but they’re typically in the same cluster. There are certain symptoms that are common to all disorders within the same cluster.

Cluster A is considered to be “odd or eccentric”. It includes Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD), Schizoid Personality Disorder (SZPD), and Schizotypal Personality Disorder (STPD). SZPD and and STPD are on the schizophrenia spectrum. Cluster A typically makes it hard for the person to connect with others. People with cluster A disorders tend to be isolated or live fairly solitary lives. SZPD is characterized by the person being generally uninterested in relationships with others. STPD has a lot of similarities with schizophrenia, including delusions, hallucinations, flat affect, and “strange” or “eccentric” behavior. PPD can also include delusions, but the core of this disorder is paranoia and general distrust of others.

Cluster B is defined by dramatic/highly emotional and unpredictable behaviors. It includes Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), and Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD). People in this cluster tend to have big emotions and can struggle with trying to get attention in unhealthy ways. ASPD is the disorder that is also known as “sociopathy” and “psychopathy”, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t terms that are really used by mental health professionals. This cluster is the most demonized. Some people assume that everyone with NPD, BPD, or ASPD are inherently abusive, but that’s not true. I would say that even though it’s in this cluster, HPD isn’t talked about very much. The word “histrionic” means “overly theatrical”; HPD is characterized by big emotions, “attention-seeking” behavior, and often exaggerations.

Cluster C is characterized by anxious and fearful thoughts and behavior. It includes Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD), Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD), and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). AVPD is sometimes confused with ASPD because the names are similar, but they’re very different disorders (although a person could have both). People with AVPD are so sensitive to and afraid of social rejection that they tend to avoid situations or social interactions in general. DPD is characterized by codependent behavior; these people typically feel like they are unable to function on their own, and will accept terrible treatment from others as long as they stay around and help them make decisions. OCPD confuses a lot of people, because it’s so close to OCD. OCPD is characterized by an obsession with rules and rigidity. People with OCPD are very often total perfectionists. OCPD is actually pretty similar to OCD, but the main difference is that OCPD is egosyntonic, whereas OCD is egodystonic. This means that a person with OCPD engages with their compulsions because they feel that that is the correct way to do it, and a person with OCD doesn’t want to engage in their compulsions, but do because they feel they have to.

I don’t have a professional background in mental health, so some of this information may be off. I’ve learned a lot about personality disorders on my own because I am interested in psychology and I have OCPD. I’ve been trying to learn more about cluster A recently because I don’t see it talked about much, but I definitely know the most about clusters B and C.

I tried to word everything in a way that accurately conveyed the information without stigmatizing or casting judgement on any of the disorders or symptoms. I apologize if anything came off as negative, I’m a big believer that no mental illness is “bad” and people with any personality disorders can live healthy and fulfilling lives with the proper therapeutic treatment.

[soundsfaebutokay]

So I've recc'd this video before, but it deserves its own post because it's one of my favorite things on youtube. It's a Tedx Talk by comics writer, editor, and journalist Jay Edidin, and I really think that it will connect with a lot of people here.

If you live and breathe stories of all kinds, you might like this.

If you care about media representation, you might like this.

If you're neurodivergent, you might like this.

If you're interested in a gender transition story that veers from the norm, you might like this.

If you love the original Leverage and especially Parker, and understand how important it is that a character like her exists, you will definitely like this.

Transcript below the cut:

You Are Here: The Cartography of Stories

by Jay Edidin

I am autistic. And what this means in practice is that there are some things that are easier for me than they are for most people, and a great many things that are somewhat harder, and these affect my life in more or less overt ways. As it goes, I'm pretty lucky. I've been able to build a career around special interests and granular obsession. My main gig at the moment is explaining superhero comics continuity and publishing history for which work I am somehow paid in actual legal currency—which is both a triumph of the frivolous in an era of the frantically pragmatic, and a job that's really singularly suited to my strengths and also to my idiosyncrasies.

I like comics. I like stories in general, because they make sense to me in ways that the rest of the world and my own mind often don't. Self-knowledge is not an intuitive thing for me. What sense of self I have, I've built gradually and laboriously and mostly through long-term pattern recognition. For decades, I didn't even really have a self-image. If you'd asked me to draw myself, I would eventually have given you a pair of glasses and maybe a very messy scribble of hair, and that would've been about it. But what I do know—backwards, forwards, and in pretty much every way that matters—are stories. I know how they work. I understand their language, their complex inner clockwork, and I can use those things to extrapolate a sort of external compass that picks up where my internal one falls short. Stories—their forms, their structure, the sense of order inherent to them—give me the means to navigate what otherwise, at least for me, would be an impassable storm of unparsable data. Or stories are a periscope, angled to access the parts of myself I can't intuitively see. Or stories are a series of mirrors by which I can assemble a composite sketch of an identity I rarely recognize whole...which is how I worked out that I was transgender, in my early thirties, by way of a television show.

This is my story. And it's about narrative cartography, and representation, and why those things matter. It's about autism and it's about gender and it's about how they intersect. And it's about the kinds of people we know how to see, and the kinds of people we don't. It's not the kind of story that gets told a lot, you might hear a lot, because the narrative around gender transition and dysphoria in our culture is really, really prescriptive. It's basically the story of the kid who has known for their whole life that they're this and not that, and that story demands the kind of intuitive self-knowledge that I can't really do, and a kind of relationship to gender that I don't really have—which is part of why it took me so long to figure my own stuff out.

So, to what extent this story, my story has a beginning, it begins early in 2014 when I published an essay titled, "I See Your Value Now: Asperger's and the Art of Allegory." And it explored, among other things, the ways that I use narrative and narrative structures to navigate real life. And it got picked up in a number of fairly prominent places that got linked, and I casually followed the ensuing discussion. And I was surprised to discover that readers were fairly consistently assuming I was a man. Now, that in itself wasn't a new experience for me, even though at the time I was writing under a very unambiguously female byline. It had happened in the letter columns of comics I'd edited. It had happened when a parody Twitter account I'd created went viral. When I was on staff at Wired, I budgeted for fancy scotch by putting a dollar in a box every time a reader responded in a way that made it clear they were assuming I was a man in response to an article where my name was clearly visible, and then I had to stop doing that because it happened so often I couldn't afford to keep it up. But in all of those cases, the context, you know, the reasons were pretty obvious. The fields I'd worked in, the beats I covered, they were places where women had had to fight disproportionally hard for visibility and recognition. We live in a culture that assumes a male default, so given a neutral voice and a character limit, most readers will assume a male author.

But this was different, because this wasn't just a book I'd edited, it wasn't a story I'd reported—it was me, it was my story. And it made me uncomfortable, got under my skin in ways that the other stuff really hadn't. And so I did what I do when that happens, and I tried to sort of reverse-engineer it to look at the conclusions and peel them back to see the narratives behind them and the stories that made them tick. And I started this, I started this by going back to the text of the essay, and you know, examining it every way I could think of: looking at craft, looking at content. And in doing so, I was surprised to realize that while I had written about a number of characters with whom I identified closely, that every single one of those characters I'd written about was male. And that surprised me even more than the responses to the essay had, because I've spent my career writing and talking and thinking about gender and representation in popular media. In 2014, I'd been the feminist gadfly of an editorial department and multiple mastheads. I'd been a founding board member of an organization that existed to advocate for more and better representation of women and girls in comics characters and creators. And most of my favorite characters, the ones I'd actively seek out and follow, were women. Just not, apparently, the characters I saw myself in.

Now I still didn't realize it was me at this point. Remember: self-knowledge, not very intuitive for me. And while I had spent a lot of time thinking about gender, I'd never really bothered to think much about my own. I knew academically that the way other people read and interpreted my gender affected and had influenced a lifetime of social and professional interactions, and that those in turn had informed the person I'd grown up into during that time. But I really believed, like I just sort of had in the back of my head, that if you peeled away all of that social conditioning, you'd basically end up with what I got when I tried to draw a self-portrait. So: a pair of glasses, messy scribble of hair, and in this case, maybe also some very strong opinions about the X-Men. I mean, I knew something was off. I'd always known something was off, that my relationship to gender was messy and uncomfortable, but gender itself struck me as messy and uncomfortable, and it had never been a large enough part of how I defined myself to really feel like something that merited further study, and I had deadlines, and...so it was always on the back burner. So, I looked, I looked at what I had, at this improbable group of exclusively male characters. And I looked and I figured that if this wasn't me, then it had to be a result of the stories I had access to, to choose from, and the entertainment landscape I was looking at. And the funny thing is, I wasn't wrong, exactly. I just wasn't right either.

See, the characters I'd written about had one other significant trait in common aside from their gender, which is that they were all more or less explicitly, more or less heavily coded as autistic. And I thought, "Ah, yes. This explains it. This is under representation in fiction echoing under representation in life and vice versa." Because the characteristics that I'd honed in on, that I particularly identified with in these guys, were things like emotional unavailability and social awkwardness and granular obsession, and all of those are characteristics that are seen as unsympathetic and therefore unmarketable in female characters. Which is also why readers were assuming that I was a man.

Because, you see, here's the thing. I'm not the only one who uses stories to navigate the world. I'm just a little more deliberate about it. For humans, stories formed the bridge between data and understanding. They're where we look when we need to contextualize something new, or to recognize something we're pretty sure we've seen before. They're how we identify ourselves; they're how we locate ourselves and each other in the larger world. There were no fictional women like me; there weren't representations of women like me in media, and so readers were primed not to recognize women like me in real life either.

Now by this point, I had started writing a follow-up essay, and this one was also about autism and narratives, but specifically focused on how they intersected with gender and representation in media. And in context of this essay, I went about looking to see if I could find even one female character who had that cluster of traits I'd been looking for, and I was asking around in autistic communities. And I got a few more or less useful one-off suggestions, and some really, really splendid arguments about semantics and standards, and um...then I got one answer over and over and over in community after community after community. "Leverage," people told me. "You have to watch Leverage."

So I watched Leverage. Leverage is five seasons of ensemble heist drama. It's about a team of very skilled con artists who take down corrupt and powerful plutocrats and the like, and it's a lot of fun, and it's very clever, and it's clever enough that it doesn't really matter that it's pretty formulaic, and I enjoyed it a lot. But what's most important, what Leverage has is Parker.

Parker is a master thief, and she is the best of the best of the best in ways that all of Leverage's characters are the best of the best. And superficially, she looks like the kind of woman you see on TV. So she's young, and she's slender, and she's blonde, and she's attractive but in a sort of approachable way. And all of that familiarity is brilliant misdirection, because the thing is, there are no other women like Parker on TV. Because Parker—even if it's never explicitly stated in the show—Parker is coded incredibly clearly as autistic. Parker is socially awkward. Her speech tends to have limited inflection; what inflection it does have is repetitive and sounds rehearsed a lot of the time. She's not emotionally literate; she struggles with it, and the social skills she develops over the series, she learns by rote, like they're just another grift. When she's not scaling skyscrapers or cartwheeling through laser grids, she wears her body like an ill-fitting suit. Parker moves like me. And Parker, Parker was a revelation—she was a revolution unto herself. In a media landscape where unempathetic women usually exist to either be punished or "loved whole," Parker got to play the crabby savant. And she wasn't emotionally intuitive but it was never ever played as the product of abuse or trauma even though she had survived both of those—it was just part of her, as much as were her hands or her eyes. And she had a genuine character arc. My god, she had a genuine romantic arc, even. And none of that required her to turn into anything other than what she was. And in Parker I recognized a thousand tics and details of my life and my personality...but. I didn't recognize myself.

Why? What difference was there in Parker, you know, between Parker and the other characters I'd written about? Those characters, they'd spanned ethnicities and backgrounds and different media and appearances and the only other characteristic they all had in common was their gender. So that was where I started to look next, and I thought, "Well, okay, maybe, maybe it's masculinity. Maybe if Parker were less feminine, she'd click with me the way those other characters had." So then I tried to imagine a Parker with short hair, who's explicitly butch, and...nothing. So okay, I extended it in what seems like the only logical direction to extend it. I said, "Well, if it's not masculinity, what if it's actual maleness? What if Parker were a man?" Ah. Yeah.

In the end, everything changed, and nothing changed, which is often the way that it goes for me. Add a landmark, no matter how slight, and the map is irrevocably altered. Add a landmark, and paths that were invisible before open wide. Add a landmark, and you may not have moved, but suddenly you know where you are and where you can go.

I wasn't going to tell this story when I started planning this talk. I was gonna tell a similar story, it was about stories, like this is, about narratives and the ways that they influence our culture and vice versa. And it centered around a group of women at NASA who had basically rewritten the narrative around space exploration, and it was a lot more fun, and I still think it was more interesting. But it's also a story you can probably work out for yourselves. In fact it's a story some of you probably have, if you follow that kind of thing, which you probably do given that you're here. And this is a story, my story is not a story that I like to tell. It's not a fun story to talk about because it's very personal and I am a very private person. And it's not universal. And it's not always relatable, and it's definitely not aspirational. And it's not the kind of story that you tend to encounter unless you're already part of it...which is why I'm telling it now. Because the thing is, I'm not the only person who uses stories to parse the world and navigate it. I'm just a little more deliberate. Because I'm tired of having to rely on composite sketches.

Open your maps. Add a landmark. Reroute accordingly.

[kashleycoon]

Beginning a Weightloss Journey

I've gone for my ultrasound to check out the spot on my liver. It was determined to be a hemangioma, which is a cluster of blood vessels. My doctor will be keeping an eye on it and I have another ultrasound in 6 months to see if it's grown any. If it has, it will need to be removed. Aside from that, the ultrasound technician seems to have uncovered Non-alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease (NAFLD), and while the doctor isn't wildly concerned about it, I asked what sort of treatment plan we could follow. We talked briefly about my diet (pescetarian) and then about my weight (180.4lbs). It was determined that my diet closely resembles that of a NAFLD diet and therefore there were no additional restrictions added, and my doctor didn't have big concerns about my weight but I did ask if losing weight would help, he said yes, and with my knees bothering me the way they are (PFPS) we decided to go ahead and work on a treatment plan from a weightloss perspective. And thus... I was prescribed Saxenda. I have anxiety about medications and I thought this one would be different but it's becoming evident to me that the anxiety around taking medications is really high. Saxenda can make people feel really crummy so I'm hesitant to try it over the Christmas holidays with all these family dinners to go to, so we're thinking that the 27th of December will be my start date. I'm also really nervous that I'll have side effects... Now that I have the medication in my hands I feel hesitant and anxious, but it's such an expensive prescription that I feel I should really give it a shot, use it while I have it, and then perhaps stop using it and continue on my own. If anyone else has experience using Saxenda, I'd love to hear your stories. I could really use the reassurance.

[thegayemu]

It's hard finding details about all of this, but unless anyone else can find something, the study that suggested people with mental illness are more likely to be victims than perpetrators of violence was pretty limited. The only study I could find used a sample of people with severe psychotic disorders (such as schizophrenia) and were not taking meds. I couldn't find anything for cluster b or just mental illness in general.

The only specific info I could find was for borderline, and it basically confirmed my hunch. I also have to mention first that, primarily, borderline is far, far more traumagenic (caused by trauma) than the majority of most mental illness, including other cluster b disorders. That's why there's been an ongoing debate about, amongst other things, the fact that borderline might share more in common with PTSD than other personality disorders, and the potential of completely recategorizing it as a trauma-related disorder. So, if anyone does find something concrete on the other cluster b disorders, it is safe to assume that they're referring to abuse in adulthood.

Anyway, the study I found. Basically, it indicates that people with borderline have higher rates of victimization as adults across all four categories (verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual) than both neurotypicals and people with other personality disorders. Borderlines are 1.5x more likely to experience verbal/emotional abuse than those with other PDs, 2.61x more likely to experience physical abuse, and 3.88x more likely to experience sexual abuse. In addition, these experiences appeared to be recurrent for a large amount of borderlines. There are a number of conclusions one might draw from this information, about self-worth, choice in partner, etc. Most of all, it does confirm that borderlines are more likely to be victims of abuse. (Though you'd have to compare against studies measuring borderlines' participation in abuse to determine if they're more likely to be victims or perpetrators.)

Anyway, this is the information I could find so far. I'd be really excited to see if anyone else has anymore info on the subject. I hope someone else found some of this to be interesting. It certainly seemed to confirm my suspicions from personal experience, that many of us with borderline enter relationships with abusive partners. (And also that the perpetual worry many of us experience that we ourselves are abusive might make us more submissive.) Would love to hear some other thoughts and hypotheses.

I’ve seen people saying that people with cluster b disorders are more likely to be victims than abusers, and i can totally see that given the stigma behind those disorders, but was it a study of whether or not they were abused after diagnosis? Given that they’re caused by trauma, most people with cluster b disorders were probably abused before they developed the disorder

im not sure, like cluster b disorders are usually caused by trauma but being mentally ill opens you up to more abuse if that makes sense? like people with illnesses are at risk for being abused by doctors, parents and caregivers. cluster b disorders arent always caused by abuse but they usually are. i read something about it a while ago but I forget the name.

you could always ask @autonomy-is-a-right Connie knows far more about this than I do

[fuck-you-i-am-spiderman]

what about... supercorp or hollstein for the pairing ask? I'd love to hear your thoughts on their dynamics!

Oh you have come to the right place Anon. How about both :P (and yes I will crossover slightly because I have headcanons about those friendships!)

Supercorp

proposes - hmmm? Who indeed. I feel like it would be after a long while given both of them suffer from some abandonment issues and some commitment troubles. I’m leaning towards Kara because I feel like she has some strong beliefs and on Krypton when they met their mate that was that, they had very heartfelt traditions about marriage and how to propose to their mate so Kara has been considering it for a while, she does it on Lena’s birthday and Lena’s crying and she doesn’t answer for the first 10 minutes before she realises she’s been silent for too long and then she of course says yes.

shops for groceries - Lena. They mostly order online because Lena is really busy and so Jess has a lot of work put aside when Lena asks for her assistance. She does not trust Kara to do it, last time Kara put in 10 pizzas, 20 bars of chocolate and 16 bags of donuts. She is not here for the sugar kick that happens with a powerful, hungry Kryptonian 

kills the spiders - Alex. Kara won’t, she floats to the ceiling and refuses to come down and Lena just does not want to so Alex gets called in and she busts in there, gun at the ready as Lena without looking up from her magazine just points to the corner where a tiny spider is lurking.

comes home drunk at 3am - Kara. Mon-El always gives her some liquid courage and then she’s singing a made up song dedicated to “Lena Luthor with an ass like the moon”. Half of the time Lena is far too amused to be annoyed by it. Though there was that one time that Alex, Maggie and James had to pull her off of Mon-El after he tried something with her helplessly intoxicated girlfriend, he didn’t make that mistake again.

remembers to feed the fish - they don’t have fish. Not after the death of Mr Fishington the 3rd. Lena will not spend another 2 hours mourning the loss of a fish she never wanted. Kara has been begging her for a puppy though.

initiates duets - Kara, she sings and hums constantly, she does it when she does the dishes, she does it when she gets home from work. She sings whilst Lena cooks and when she’s typing up her new articles. Lena doesn’t know how to react and she bursts into tears when Kara sings to her, she doesn’t come back for a whole day (side note: she stays with Maggie) and when she does Kara is nervous and rambley, after a heart to heart Kara makes it her mission to get Lena to contribute to a duet. Lena does when they slow dance on her balcony.

falls asleep first - Lena. She sleeps at the desk, she falls asleep sprawled on the couch and she pretends that she wasn’t sleeping during movie marathons. Kara comes home and sees the wine bottle on the table with a clustered pile of budget cuts and reports stacked next to it as Lena lightly snores as she sleeps on the couch, Kara covers her with a blanket and kisses her forehead most nights but sometimes she picks Lena up and floats them to their bedroom, Lena curls up against Kara and sleeps soundly.

plans spontaneous trips - Both. Lena is such a planner and she has a lot of money to spare so she likes to plan little weekends away or day trips to the zoo because Kara fricking loves it. Also Kara likes to occasionally fly them to random locations for lunch or that weekend where she took them to Lena’s private cottage.

wakes the other up at 3am demanding pancakes - Kara. Lena is a great cook and she cooks so naturally, she doesn’t even care about the fact Kara woke her, not when Kara’s arms wrap around her waist and she hums as Lena makes them pancakes. Every time is different and she likes to experiment with different flavours and treats to see which Kara likes. Though Kara does try and help but it only leads to food fights and a syrup covered Lena doing anything but making pancakes.

sends the other unsolicited nudes - Lena, she waits until Kara is in the weekly meeting that James throws at CatCo and then she strikes. She also likes to send them during lunch or when Kara is supposed to be hosting a game night, Kara has broken 5 phones, forfitted 2 potstickers and walked into a door. It’s worth it when she faces the wrath of a horny and slightly hungry Kara Danvers.

brags about knowing karate even though they never made it past yellow belt - None, mainly because Kara has superhuman abilities so she doesn’t need to and Lena can taser people. Lena isn’t weak by any means but she is quite clumsy and Kara can be pretty oblivious so accidents happen and who needs karate when your girlfriend can punch someone into space?!

comes to a complete halt outside bakeries/candy shops - “KARA ZOR-EL DANVERS YOU MADE ME STOP SO THAT YOU COULD DROOL OVER YET ANOTHER CANDY SHOP?!” Kara pouts for a whole day after Lena dragged her away. She goes into work the next day and finds a basket full of candy and plumerias along with a note that says “for my sweet tooth -L” 

blows sarcastic kisses after doing ridiculous shit - Lena. She’s a snarky little shit but Kara is incredibly awkward and seems to follow every awkward thing with finger guns and overly adjusting her glasses. They are both dorks.

killed the guy (also, which hid the body) - None of them. Kara does not believe in that and Lena couldn’t kill a fly, she may taser goons and threaten to hurt anyone that insults her sunshine girlfriend but she would never kill anyone.

wears the least clothing around the house - Lena. She’s so flirty and Kara is weak for her. Lena conveniently drops spoons and constantly leans across exposing her chest, she lets her hair fall down loose and Kara drools, she stutters and goes bright red and Lena loves it. She may not have a Kryptonian body but she knows how to strut her stuff. Plus she was never really allowed to just be casual around the Luthor Mansion so Kara loves seeing Lena completing work projects whilst sat cross-legged in just lacy black underwear. 

has icky sentimental moments for no apparent reason - They both have their fair share of sentimental moments and they come at random times, there are the times that Lena sobs at movies or when she tells Kara about the anniversary of when Lex got arrested. Kara likes to talk about her memories at night, she tells Lena about the stars and her planet, she sometimes just starts talking in Kryptonian and Lena loves to hear it all, she encourages Kara to be open and Kara helps Lena fight some of her worst fears.

Hollstein

proposes - Carmilla takes them up to the roof and half way through her speech Laura rambles and proposes first.

shops for groceries - They both do, though Carmilla regrets it when Laura puts 5 packets of Oreo Double-Stuffed oreos into their cart

kills the spiders - Carmilla. Those buggers don’t pay rent in their ridiculously expensive house and she has plenty of boots ready to squish them with.

comes home drunk at 3am - Laura is such a lightweight, Carmilla is a casual drinker she doesn’t do it often so there’s rarely a time when she’s drunk but you put Laura and Kara together and the two get drunk easily, leading to giggly girlfriends being handsy with their snarky spouses.

remembers to feed the fish - Laura does not trust Carmilla around fish, her girlfriend is not too keen on pets so they tend to avoid them.

initiates duets - Laura, she sings into spatulas and follows Carmilla around the apartment singing “what’s new pussycat” and “I knew you were trouble”

falls asleep first - Laura likes to stay up and watch Buffy re-runs until who knows what time, Carmilla sleeps like the dead.

plans spontaneous trips - Carmilla, much like Lena she has pretty much unlimited funds and she has travelled a lot so whenever Laura has free time she plans weekends away and little days trips.

wakes the other up at 3am demanding pancakes - Laura Eileen Hollis. She has cravings and she will have her chocolate chip and blueberry pancakes even if she has to drag a half asleep Carmilla into the kitchen and ravish her first, it’s just so she can get her pancakes *wink wink*

sends the other unsolicited nudes - Carmilla starts it but Laura gives as good as she gets.

brags about knowing karate even though they never made it past yellow belt - Carmilla, she pretends she knows all this kind of stuff but she definitely doesn’t, she can pack a punch though. Laura tried teaching her some Krav-Maga but they always end up....distracted

comes to a complete halt outside bakeries/candy shops - Laura. Carmilla will pick her up and carry her away. Laura proceeds to pout like crazy until Carmilla surprises her with a packet of those gourmet jelly beans that Laura nearly orgasmed at on one of their trips.

blows sarcastic kisses after doing ridiculous shit - Carmilla, she’s such a little shit, Laura hates her for it because it always sets her off into adorable giggles.

killed the guy (also, which hid the body) - Carmilla and oh yeah Carmilla. Laura would accidentally kill someone and then Carmilla would have to hide the body.

wears the least clothing around the house - Carmilla. She flexes and strips down randomly, she just saunters to the kitchen in that small silky robe Laura loves and she sprawls in her underwear and Laura both loves it and hates it because she should have self control but giver her a practically naked Carmilla and their kitchen table has been broken 3 times already.

has icky sentimental moments for no apparent reason - Carmilla, Laura has them too but Carm has become a lot more open so she will wistfully talk about moments in her life over dinner or during a tv marathon when a character reminds her of someone from her past. It always surprises Laura when she does it, especially that time when Carmilla cried and told her how much she missed Mattie and the feeling of family (she admitted it after Laura made her watch Lilo and Stitch)