#i'd have started a long time ago | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bunnyboy-juice · 3 months ago

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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner

#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr #me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel #and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need #space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time #but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single #Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was #much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh #i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups #and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that #definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him #its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh #cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did #like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess #guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here #and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno #we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff #that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting #i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it #i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu #anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu #publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago #n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus #being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the #stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)

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monstersandmaw · 3 months ago

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Hi! I'm going around asking some of my favorite monster focused blogs this question, because I'd love to know everyone's takes! (So you might see this ask on other blogs) I saw in a reddit thread once that different authors have different comfort levels regarding types of comments on the adult content they make. What type of comments do you prefer for the smut you make? Details about how it reflects the characters dynamics? Particular lines we liked? How much a part about it made us blush? People thirsting a bit more explicitly over the monster in question in the comments? Or maybe just a general "that was hot!" and leave it like that?

What an interesting idea of yours! I look forward to seeing other people's responses too!

My answer: anything.

I love knowing what it is in great detail about a story that someone enjoyed, but I realise that can take time and energy to compose and type out, so if all someone has the spoons for is 'that was hot' then I'll gladly eat that up too.

From both my fanfics on AO3 and my original writing on here, I've had people quote huge blocks of different lines in a chapter back to me and break them down in nerdy detail like it's a literature essay; I've had people notice and pick apart things that I thought only I would enjoy; I've had people keyboard smash and flail and be totally, inarticulately articulate about a chapter; I've had a single emoji; I've had people just say stuff like 'big lady hot' and leave it at that.

All of it has been equally special to me, because it's your way of showing you enjoyed what I create and share, largely for free.

#i really should have started a folder or a doc a long time ago labelled 'fav comments' from all over my various platforms #but i never imagined when i started that i'd get any kind of attention or feedback #anon ask

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lilowoof · 4 months ago

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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD

Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!

#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone #you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run #my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point #the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer #why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up #what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation #and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other #that might be fun #also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING #but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion #but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha #ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog #one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art #gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free #ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-

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autoboros · 8 months ago

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I've only recently picked up the H-3 Nozzlenose (because for the longest time I thought I'd be awful at it) but it's honestly crazy just how fun it is

I haven't had so much fun with a weapon in a while. It is so satisfying I swear

The sound for the direct shots... both their kits... the way you can continuous fire by timing inputs right... fucking around

Wish I could put my Splatoon thoughts into words. I love this weapon

#i cant decide if i like vH-3 or H-3D better #im honestly finding H-3D a little more fun because of how defensive it is #but i have a mild point sensor bias. and cooler is like. THE special currently #but H-3D is such fun to play #for a very long time from the start of the game til only like 2 months ago i fully believed I'd suck at this weapon #hell even noob me back at the beginning held such harsh opinions such as “why would ANYONE play this”#ohhh you fool. you silly motherfucker. this is the most fun youve had in a while #its funny. every weapon i thought I'd hate at the beginning is like. my main now #splatoon #Gameplay//#<- guess it goes there

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obiwan-kenobabe · 3 months ago

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I'm so fucking heartbroken over all these plans I haven't felt good enough to participate in... It's not fair. It's not fucking fair...

#i have missed so much this summer and i miss my friends immensely #next weekend we have ren faire though and im not missing that #i just hope to god i feel okay...#but im ESPECIALLY heartbroken over the fact that i couldn't make plans to go meet Roger Clark and Rob Wiethoff...#my mom told me if i could pay for most of it she would go with me but... i felt too sick to even attempt a goddamn thing #like im actually crying because i just wanted to go meet these cowboys and we had a plan #but whatever the fuck is going on with me got in my way #i was so excited for so long that I'd get to meet them and gush about rdr2 #my mom and i made this plan like two months ago now #i wanted to make it work so bad...#hopefully i can meet them another time when i can actually function #im just bummed because rdr2 has been what's keeping me sane all year...#i started playing in February and ive put in almost 900 hours. im so close to 100%ing it #i wanted to go meet Arthur and John's VAs so bad dude #anyway #dont mind me #i should've learned to stop making plans by now...#i probably would have died trying to go to a con anyway but i would have pushed myself for that.

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phagodyke · 3 months ago

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aouuugh my uterus......

#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain #and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it #like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works #so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time #i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone #just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all #but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want #but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability #which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need #but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a #break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man #sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things #and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable #factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most #and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset #man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower #and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore #maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work #all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think #.diaries #oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭

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pumpkingeorge · 4 months ago

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In about 2 months I can qualify for health insurance from work!

#i could have gotten it 5 years ago when i first started #after being there for 9 months #but i didn't #because #because i didn't think i'd live this long and thought it was a waste of time #but now i'm slowly dying from an infected wisdom tooth and it hurts a lot #i tried to pull it myself but i only broke it in half :(

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talesofwhimsy · 4 months ago

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WHY?, “Sin Imperial" // Car Sear Headrest, “I Can Play the Piano”

#Whywithaquestionmark #Car Seat Headrest #trigger warning for eating disorders I'm sorry I don't know the best way to tag them I never had to before #I was having a conversation earlier about how I have a very specific relationship with fasting #in that for me specifically I feel like it’s just slow-burn starvation #because it gave me an eating disorder #this idea that if I just stop eating then I'll lose weight and if I lose weight I'll be better #that eating was a moral failure on my part because if I just held out a little longer then I'd be beautiful #so when I'd eventually break fast because it had been days and my vision was fading #I'd make myself throw up afterwards because I had failed #that morphed into all the different little toxic relationships I have with food #I still consider myself a monster for eating #I still lie about how much or how often I eat #and after I stopped forcing myself to throw up after every meal all the consequences hit #my hair started falling out my teeth started falling out all the weight I lost came back #and there was this voice in the back of my head that said that if I had kept going none of that would have happened #and that's kind of true because either those delayed consequences wouldn't have hit #Or I would have actually succeeded in starving myself to death #anyway I relapsed after dinner tonight and purged again and the why? song came on shuffle on the drive home #and I thought it was a little ironic haha #and I ate some more when I got home and I'm really struggling with this one right now haha #because I told myself I wouldn't have anything else to eat tonight but I did and now I feel like I have to pay for it #I think people forgot I was bulimic a few years ago or I just thought I told them and didn't #because it seemed like news at the dinner table lmao #I don't talk about it a lot because it's really upsetting to people I care about #But I haven't made myself throw up in a long time so this is kind of scary I think #Or maybe I shouldn't be scared and instead I should just force of will this #back myself into a lose-lose situation where I either hate myself for eating or hate myself for starving/purging #that's the only way my brain knows how to function I guess #whoever wins we lose haha whatever

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unproduciblesmackdown · 8 months ago

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bonus thing i cherish in this shot is that it's the one time it's immediately noticeable that her hair length is uneven....let's go Cutting One's Own Hair (With Or Without A Mirror) look havers irl (b/c of cutting one's own hair with or without a mirror, maybe) & even when it's recreated on purpose like so

#haven't yet rewatched fury road as i've been anticipating doing for weeks now. we're on the verge of it though i can sense it #thank god ms charlize (juking diacritics) decided on Furiosa Will Have Short Hair #the No Diegetic Makeup. the constant (smudged with dirt or grease or blood perhaps) looks #only additional thing that we're demanding from anything. armpit hair please. for furiosa at least #meanwhile siiigh i guess like three days (? i will go through the number of Nights in my head. one. two.) closer to two days #isn't long enough to grow that much leg hair siiigh fine. more difficult to match up leg hair shots chronology too but if only....#reminds me how a while ago i was like half watching smthing & after a fair number of scenes was like oh hang on that's charlize furiosa....#b/c i basically know her From This. i'd seen smthing else she was in years before w/o remembering much details of Anything #(also had technically seen tom hardy in smthing more recently at the time Also w/o recognizing as much. also thanks at least in part to #not especially enjoying the movie) & i'm not great with faces; that most roles are gonna have Longer Hair / Makeup happening #and a lack of constant dirt grease blood etc even like okay this would be quite difficult #so i Didn't recognize the actor for a hot minute until the reason i Did was just this instance of [subtle quiet shift Acting Moment]#where she got this particular Silent Restrained Intensity going and i was like oh hang on. Could Be Her lmao. it was #anyways even capturing this screencap it was like Aughhh that she Walks. Stops. Walks. the Soundtrack doing what it's doing here....#and if there's Anything in this film to illustrate [max: main character] [furiosa: protagonist] boy is it this scene. wah #the end of this shot as capable like starts looking away like ah yeah emotion moment. well i'll give you this privacy #just like the fast & furious crossroads chat about cam fr lol like i'll respectfully turn so i'm not looking right at you for this Real Shi #responding to your reeling deepest devastation by moving forward still as far as you can? a quarter mile at a time of you #fury road

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sysig · 9 months ago

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Tainted batch (Patreon)

#Doodles #Just Desserts #Villainsona #Fine nevermind >:(#It's so weird to be posting vent-adjacent stuff while I'm doing so well currently haha #I started this months ago and have significantly improved my mood since then pfft ♪ I'd hope!#There wasn't anything specific at the time anyway just a thought circling around that I figured Charm would be more affected by #Considering most things for her are heightened in comparison haha <3 She'll get therapy someday #She also deals a lot in sublimation through art! And sometimes that means literally taking the materials and using them elsewhere #Honestly it's pretty cool that she can reconstitute her art :0 Drawing is a little different haha #I hadn't realized it'd been as long as it's been since I last drew Cirrus :0 #Oh yeah Cherry Shortcake actually has a first name now lol #A few residents do! If you remember my mention of Aria from a while back - Marshmallow Fluff - I think those are the current three?#Still haven't really pinned down a naming convention haha...I've been thinking about three-letter last names for what feels like forever now #She was also an early contender for Digitally Rendered Resident huh... I could at least stand to name the others that have gotten that lol #So many things I wanna do with her - really want to finish her Biased Narrator fic sometime just dunno how to end it hrmngh #Anyway lol she gets a one-panel cameo and takes over the post pft no! Charm time!#Evil Time Charm time - kicked up her pulse as soon as she remembered #She kinda sorta remembers what happened but more than that remembers the Emotions - feeling Laughed At #And clearly it's [this specific thing]'s fault that she feels foolish! Avoid [this specific thing] and never feel foolish again Guaranteed!*#*Not actually even remotely close to a guarantee lol instead she's just avoiding something that at one point made her feel good #So easy to turn a positive memory into a negative one with just a change of framing huh?#I can't think of anyone in her life who would exploit that fun little feature in her outlook not even one!

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hooved · 2 years ago

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every single day i experience symptoms of ocd and every single day i'm somehow surprised by it

#one example being when i'm getting ready to go to sleep #i literally have to scroll through my dash until i find a picture that doesn't give me some kind of anxiety #can't leave the screen on a picture of this sloppy red cake batter because it looks vaguely gorey and what if i die in some gorey accident #can't leave the screen on a picture of a cat because what if my cat dies tomorrow #can't leave the screen on a picture of a beautiful field with a yellowy filter on it because it makes me think of some kinda movie scene #where someone is recalling pleasant memories on their death bed #can't leave it on a picture of fire because what it my house burns down in my sleep #can't leave it on a picture of a graveyard for obvious reasons etc. etc.#there's always something. everything links to death with me and i can't go to sleep with any of it on my screen because it's ''''bad luck''#or whatever the fuck #but a picture of like some cute colorful patterns or a silly little doll or some cool clothes ? well that's alright i guess :)#i experience other ocd symptoms but that's the one that always makes me go woah wtf ???? i have ocd ????#edit: remembering a few years ago when i started getting really really bad fears relating to my ribs. ribs in general #and every time i lied down i had to make sure my ribs were perfectly lined up with each other ?#and my ribs are already pretty misshapen so it took. a long time to do that #and i'd toss and turn and freak out and get so scared and frustrated and cry. they had to be lined up #because the fact that your ribs can move and sometimes one side is further back or further forward or whatever scared me so much #i'm like mostly over that now. i don't do that anymore but. weird how i didn't think that was an ocd thing back then lmao

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mako-island-moon-pool · 9 months ago

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I really do deserve a fucking apology for all the times my friends and family valued strangers on the internet and their opinions more than me

How am I supposed to be just fine with being ignored for years and years or bullied for openly liking what I like, only for those same fucking people to then turn around YEARS LATER, AFTER THE DAMAGE WAS ALREADY DONE, and be like "actually this is cool, so glad I found it" while still ignoring me. Why am I not allowed to be fucking pissed about it? Why is it considered ""gatekeepy"" when I get upset someone who deliberately ignored me for years and insulted the shit I enjoy when I asked them to get into it cuz I thought they'd like it suddenly finds interest in it because it got popular online, not because I'd been begging them to give it a chance and to listen to me for years???? Why is that not allowed????? THAT'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE MOVE, WHY IS IT 'NOT OKAY' TO BE MAD? WHY DON'T THEY GROW A SPINE AND APOLOGIZE FOR DISMISSING ME FIRST? HOW ABOUT THAT?????

#I fucking hate this it keeps fucking happening #I have a fucking LIST of all the times it's happened this is not a one time thing it's fucking reoccurring #Nothing I say will ever fucking matter to anyone not even the people who are 'supposed' to care about me #Grumble grumble #Literally showed my dad a song and he was like 'well I preferred the one that came on autoplay after'#And I was like 'oh that song? Oh you mean THAT song? OH YOU MEAN THE SONG I SHOWED YOU MONTHS AGO THAT YOU DISMISSED AND CRITICIZED?'#THAT ONE? YEAH? YEAH???#Gee I wonder why you like it NOW and not when *I* showed it to you!#UGHHHHH #Begged my friend to get into OP and he would go 'no it's too long and the art style is kinda ugly'#GUESS WHO'S NOW ASKING ME TO GUIDE HIM THRU THE ANIME CUZ OP WAS TRENDING ON TWITTER OVER THE SUMMER #UGHHHHHHHHH #Begged friends to watch Trig/un for years it was always the first anime I'd recommend anyone when they asked and was always ignored #Guess what everyone did once stampede started *trending on Tumblr*?#They certainly didn't care when I asked or when I was hyping up the trailer for stampede or literally any point before then #Nobody would ever reply to me when I talked about it #But now that it's trending on Tumblr NOW they're interested. GJSGDHDJDJDK #Happened with Pe/rso/na and Ro/tm/nt too.#Begged my middle and high school friends to get into the per/sona series. Nooo never it's sooo lame #Get made fun of for being hyped for 5's release in Calc class #Man you'd never believe who I see on Twitter as the biggest fans nowadays!!#Same with ro/tm/nt begged my friends to watch it but was dismissed and the episode I showed them heavily criticized bc it wasn't 2012 #Then learn the same friend who criticized it so heavily bc he *hated it* WAS WATCHING VIDEO ESSAYS EXPLAINING WHY THE FINALE WAS SO GOOD #And there's NEVER any acknowledgement like 'hey sorry I made fun of/hated on this thing I see why you like it now'#Am I actually mental?! Would that not be the polite thing to do???#I would do that if a friend begged me to watch something and I openly dismissed them or criticized it as my reason why #And then later on I saw something online and was like 'actually...'#I would GO TO THAT FRIEND AND BE LIKE 'hey sorry I dismissed you earlier man I get why you like it now' AND THEN WE COULD TALK ABOUT IT #This isn't even about like distant acquaintences some of these people are my best friends and my roommates and my own fucking parents #People I talk to daily or near-daily. You're just not going to acknowledge what happened before??? Just expecting me to be fine with it????

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youremyonlyhope · 5 months ago

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Not me legitimately looking up flights to Ireland for a last minute near-mental-breakdown solotrip...

#i don't even know why i feel like i'm about to have a mental breakdown but yeah I feel like i'm gonna have one lol #so why not have it by literally running away for a couple days to ireland #i say as if i've ever taken a plane by myself and didn't only just got over most of my flying fears less than 2 years ago #and haven't only ridden a total of 7 flights in my entire life #and have a job providing me with disposable income #(though i do have plenty of savings but that's for paying the coop transfer fee for my late grandma's apartment)#(i haven't touched that amount in years because i needed it to stay. theoretically i could MAYBE spare a couple thousand)#(but i don't know the cost of the apt transfer and since i'm unemployed I don't know when i'd be able to recoup it)#(also i've applied to a billion jobs that could theoretically reach out to me at any time so that's another drawback)#i'm in a month-ish long break from therapy and it's not even been a week and i'm already on the verge of a meltdown this is great #well. kind of fitting. when i started with my most recent therapist i literally said in my first meeting #'i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i might run away to new zealand' and now when i meet my new one #it'll either be 'i'm 3 seconds away from booking a last minute trip to ireland' or 'got back from a last minute trip to ireland'#at least i'm consistent in my need to run away from my life without either therapy and/or a full time job to ground me

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the-irrelevant-trumpeter · 1 year ago

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hate that i'm out of school and still can't do all of the things i want to do, but not because of time restrictions, just because i don't have the energy anymore

#i wanna make some yt videos and i wanna set up the mmni ship tournament that i said i'd do forever ago #and i wanna queue up more incorrect mmni quotes because i haven't posted on that blog in a hot sec #and i wanna catch up on reading fics and i wanna finish the fic i'm halfway through #and i wanna keep planning the big wip so that i can start writing that too #and i wanna get back into reading books because i haven't read a non-school book in a long time #and i wanna make gifsets and i wanna watch all of the movies and shows that i have on my watchlist #and i wanna finish the music arrangement i was working on too #and i'm sure there's more stuff as well #but i just! can't do any of it because i don't have the energy

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pankomako · 1 year ago

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sometimes i think about interactions boat and i have had and things he's said to/about me over the years and it makes me feel as though i must occupy some little space in his heart. like i live in his mind rent-free the way he does for me, although not nearly to the same extent lmao.

speak of the goddamn devil i just got a steam notification he's playing tf2

anyway i never thought i'd have that kind of effect on a person, much less my favorite content creator. but it sure appears to be that way, and idk. it makes me feel special. warms my heart n all that :)

#was one of two people to give me their phone number when i had to drop off of discord 2 years ago #never took advantage of it though (shy (also we have different brands of phones so texting probably wouldnt work right #other person was an irl friend (never contacted them either #i remember one time YEARS ago when he was wanting to read jjba on stream or smth like that #him: it's like REALLY not family friendly me: well i shouldnt watch bc i am a Child him: no its ok you dont have to skip It's very dirty th #like guy clearly just wanted me there bc he enjoys my company And he's said he does! i remember him saying he likes seeing me in chat #and once again he was the one that wanted me on the staff team when usually the staff pick new recruits and boat has final say #and apparently he's talked about me to his other friends. that's kinda where the old Time to Mod in-joke started #he was using voice to text to talk to whoever and said my username but the thing misinterpreted it #that coupled with the meme drawing i did that he edited so it's him just saying 'pain'. eventually that dumb fucking image spawned #and then there was the night he spammed it and spam mentioned me in chat when he was streaming while i was ASLEEP #once we were in a vc and he was like 'wow i'd forgotten what your voice sounded like' NEVER heard him say that to anyone else. What #dont even get me started with him and my artwork (man would probably flip tf out seeing what i can do now LOL)#guy literally wanted ME to design an official tff logo but at that point they were kinda slowing down so it never happened #but yeahno i just. ugh. our friendship means a lot to me. i am ITCHING to speak to him again you have no idea #and to just give him a big ol hug. been wanting that for such a long time #quite frankly a friendship dynamic like no other ive seen #dont mind me REMINISCING. im sooo sappy about him he's the most important guy in the world to me #if god exists he knew we'd be too powerful if we grew up together

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eggmeralda · 1 year ago

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kind of wish my way of coping with morbid things wasn't to expose myself to them until I become desensitised lol

#saw an iceberg for deaths caught on camera and was like. wow there is a LOT of information to look into and take in and none of it #is going to be nice. maybe i should leave and forget I've ever seen this #but no like obviously now i have no choice but to read in depth about every single death on there #bc i know if i ignore it i'll be thinking about it for longer #this was like with threads bc when i first heard a bit about it i was like. that sounds horrible. and i have a dissertation due in a few #weeks so like. i do Not need this on my mind right now #but that didn't do anything so in the end i had to watch it to get it out of my system #and then i guess it sort of worked bc?? now me and threads are besties #fav comfort film of all time. would recommend to everyone #okay not that. but genuinely i forget how bad i felt when i first read about it and now i think about scenes from it like 😐#is that healthy. probably not. anyway #also at the start of this year i was obsessed with kaylea titford's death and then not long after that shafilea ahmed's as well #that era feels so far away even though it was only like 8 months ago #but like e.g. with the shafilea ahmed thing i'm at the stage now where if it comes into my head i can easily push it away #but i could not do that back in february i literally wouldn't be able to sleep until i'd found out every single bit of information #oh god it's nearly the 20th anniversary of that isn't it #but yeah anyway it's like once you show me something morbid. even just a glimpse of it. that's it there's no going back #i will Not Stop until i know everything there is to know about it. and then it'll be on my mind for weeks until i stop feeling anything #and then i'll forget about it #i remember as kids me and my sister would sometimes see An Image on the unfiltered 2000s internet #like that one pic of the chupacabra that's obviously not real but like as a kid it's terrifying #and my sister's response would've been to close it and never look at it or think about it again #and i remember my parents wouldn't allow me to talk about chupacabras in front of my sister #which waS SO HARD bc my response to it was to hyperfixate #and the image creeped me out so to get rid of it i would look at it like everyday until i didn't feel anything anymore #and then me and the chupacabra image were besties <3 and I'd make jokes about it #idk what the point of this post is I've basically just told the same story three times #and there will soon be a fourth. once i watch this video going through the deaths caught on camera iceberg #which i am not going to do now bc it's 00:35 and if i don't sleep now i never will #ramble

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