#i’ve probably missed some things but i’m pretty sure this is a good overall

[sriya-lenka]

louis and the lgbtq+ community: a masterpost

louis supporting queer contestants during his time as judge at x factor 2018

louis supporting the two contestants who got engaged during the x factor 2018

polari, fericadooza, chav roots in polari and the overlap between the northern england working class and the lgbtq+ community

more on gender presentation, streetwear, and the overlap between northern england working class and the lgbtq+ community, louis’ community

writing pride related words for fans

noticing, smiling and pointing at “guardian of the lgbt community” flag

signing pride flag

trans fans who’ve met him talking about louis being supportive of trans people + interaction with trans fan during the album signings + crossing off the sex questionnaire in the just like you mv

tour bus pride flag and stage pride flag

fan jumping around with pride flag at barricade and louis looking at them with a smile

louis and rainbows: here. here. here and here

fitfwt rainbow lights + “rainbow inspired track” comment from jack webber, special effect technician for the fitfwt

bigger than me cover may have been inspired by george michael

the pride flag on stage and louis’ smile

“an amazing feeling”: louis on only the brave being an anthem for fans to be themselves

all this time spotify canvas features a pride flag

the triangle tattoo

bella penfold

on noticing how queer fans find comfort with louis

queercoded lyrics

everyone is welcomed

thanks for the flag love

oscar wilde: flowers and louis

[bengiyo]

Ben’s Big BL Blurb 2: Fall is Finally Here

I am simply too busy with worth, family, other hobbies, and life to write about every show in real time anymore. I’m sorry to all the Stray Thoughts readers who’ve reached out about whether I would pick that back up, and I simply just do not have the time to do them anymore. Instead, I’ll try to do one of these as often as I can to catch up on things.

First, let’s go over some shows I finished recently that I don’t think I wrote much about.

First Note of Love

I was so happy to see Michael back on screen, and I was glad to see that he’s still able to get great chemistry with his co-star. Unfortunately, I don’t think this show was very coherent, so I didn’t get a lot out of it emotionally. It was a pretty inoffensive watch overall, and thus an easy show to put on without having to work through too much. I liked the work between everyone, and Mei Lei was such a fun character. Probably won’t return to this one, though. 

Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo

This is probably the show of the year for me. There’s so much I loved about this show. I loved that the characters had sex, but were neither rewarded nor punished for it; their sex didn’t solve any problems. I also really love how this show explored how childhood trauma expresses in two different kinds of boys, and I love that we got to see a bully reckon with his actions and get closure. I love that this show ended with them being kinda poor, but happy together. I love how messed up they both were about everything. I loved that Juyeong wasn’t stupid, and could read what was going on.

I clearly need to write a separate post to unpack everything I felt in this show.

Let’s move on to what I’m watching currently, in no particular order…starting with the lesbians, and then the worst BLs.

Apple My Love

Genuinely having fun with this GL. I like how quickly most of the drama plays out. It’s giving me quite a bit of secondhand embarrassment, but I like the characterizations in this show. This new production house brought us Knock Knock, Boys! and Monster Next Door this year. We need to keep an eyes on them. 

Haunted Hearts

I’m so fascinated by Oxin Films teaming up with Regal Entertainment. The leads are very attractive, but the cinematography is really boring. I’m trying to stay invested, but it’s kind of a sleepy watch. Also amused that they started airing a ghost romance right after Halloween ended. I’ve kind of moved on emotionally from the season.

My Damn Business

This show could be good, but it’s not. I struggled with episode 5 because our lead looked more relaxed and happier with his senior than the guy he’s getting into a romance with. There’s something missing here in this one, but I can’t exactly put my finger on it. I think it’s primarily a side effect of the short run time, but I think the boss’s interest isn’t landing properly for the employee to respond to. 

Eccentric Romance

This show could be good, but it’s not. Still, I am obsessed with a murder mystery being the primary source of confusion between our leads. I was willing to forgive this show a lot of its rough edges, but it failed to handle the turn from friendship to sexual/romance really well. I feel like our guys just started dating and having sex, and I’m a bit frustrated that they didn’t talk about it really at all, particularly since this show features two different languages spoken on screen. Genuinely looking forward to seeing how this one finishes. 

See Your Love

I’m not sure this show is exactly working that well, but everyone is very pretty and I’m having a decent time watching it. I like the way Shao Peng stands up for himself, and I like that nothing that’s happened has been totally unbelievable or unreasonable (at least with the mains). I’ll be curious how the hard of hearing and deaf viewers respond to this one once it’s complete. 

Love is Like a Poison

This show is actually so funny. I love that Shiba is in his own lawyer genre separate from everyone else, and I really like how the two of these guys have become a team. I’m curious how they manage to resolve the scamming next week, but this has been the most unexpected dynamic of the year. 

Love in the Air: Koi no Yukon

MAME won this year, y���all. We all have complicated feelings about her, but she’s secured a loving adaptation from a Japanese team that’s put solid effort into bringing her characters to life. Every character feels correct compared to their Thai counterpart we saw on screen, and that’s a strong sign that the writing behind MAME’s work is strong, even if we all have issues with the way she tackles certain themes. I’m really impressed with this adaptation, and really like this version of Rain.I also feel like this show is doing a better job blending the forthcoming couple focus shift.

Our Youth

We just got this show, but damn does it feel sharp! I’m always going to be a sucker for a cinephile character, and I’m so compelled by the way Minase is drawn to Hirukawa. The scene in episode 2 where Minase has to leave Hirukawa’s house might be one of the most impressive sequences we’ve had in a while, requiring a great deal of choreography and effort from the actors and the camera crew to pull off, and I’m excited to see how these characters split and then come back together. 

Smells Like Green Spirit

Let me just say that I need another Abe Alan appearance when he isn’t playing a character doing horrible things to his students. I’ve enjoyed meditating on the 90s with this show and what that era felt like. I’ve liked how the show has tried to focus on how different parents (especially the moms) have responded to their kids coming to terms with themselves. I’ve also really enjoyed the friendship that’s grown between Mishima and Kirino. I’m struggling with Yumeno a lot, because I’m really not a friend of bully romances. Still, I feel like this is one of those shows I’ll remember for a long time because of its focus on the 90s. 

Blue Canvas of Youthful Days

I think @lurkingshan covered reactions to episode 5 and episode 6 better than I could, and I loved @twig-tea giving context for the film history moment in episode 6. I remember screaming into the chat for friends to show up for this when I got to that moment. This show has two great pairs of dynamics going on that mirror well. It’s got such a strong handle on its characters’ motivations and how they would respond to the actions from each other. It’s probably the tightest thing I’m watching now, backed by extremely dialed-in performances. I will be thinking about Qi Lu organizing his potential first kiss with Qin Xiao, and how unapologetic he’s been about the entire affair. He’s being selfish here, but I kinda like it. I’m so thankful that we are somehow still getting this show, because goddamn do the Chinese actors deliver on chemistry sometimes.

Interview With the Vampire Season 2

I finished this with a friend last week, and holy fuck is this show still so, so good. We watch a lot of gay romance because of BL, and I am having so much fun watching the show about gay divorce. I loved the time we spent in Paris, Daniel’s shifting role in the narrative, and the new insights we got into Lestat this season. I will miss Claudia so much, and I have to give a standing ovation to Delainey Hayles stepping into the role of Claudia and doing the damn thing this season. I just love seeing my little fucked up gay people torment each other on screen.

I'm still thinking about Louis and Lestat reuniting in a hurricane after Claudia derided this as yet another chapter in their stormy romance.

Dropped Shows

Unfortunately, everyone can’t win. Some of these shows are just too long for me to keep up with them, and oftentimes I get bored. I’ve currently dropped:

Lovesick 2024 - I may go back. We’ll see

Jack & Joker - It’s just too long, and they just killed Jennie and a kid. I’m good.

Fourever You - I’m bored with Earth always playing this character type.

Pluto - Namtam and Film are beautiful, but this looks too messy right now.

Every You, Every Me - Wasn’t intrigued after episode 1, but the commentary may draw me back.

Kidnap - Ohm is not enough to keep me invested in this show. 

Uncle Unknown - How did they make a 6 minute show feel slow?

I’m genuinely not trying to be harsh to Thai shows out here, but I just do not have the time to keep up with all of them when they’re this long and dragging.

Thanks for stopping by, and let me know if there’s something I missed that I should check out.

[s1i9d]

I hope you don't mind, but now that I've finally found someone who's listening to Magnus Protocol but hasn't listened to Magnus Archives I will be studying you like a bug under a magnifying glass. I've been dying to know how the show hits from a non archives perspective. So in that vein, if you don't mind me questioning you, what are your overall thoughts on the show so far? Also what's it like seeing the fandom response from people who have listened to archives? Have you been successful in avoiding spoilers?

Honestly I’ve been loving Protocol.

I’m not 100% sure what to translate since I don’t know what Archives context I’m missing, but I can try to tell you what I really like about Protocol.

I really do love the format of Protocol. It’s mostly an office drama story, which on its own is appealing, but the statements from FR3-D1 put in each episode gives the story this underlying horror aspect to it. So when I listen to an episode, often times if the statement portion feels lacking, the office drama really brings up the episode and the vice versa.

Then things start to get a lot more creepier when the two intersect (The Magnus Institute, Mr. Bonzo, Lady Mowbray, the Drowning Victim, the Archivist, etc.) and by this point in the story, we’re so close to having a full merge.

Since this is my first real dive into horror podcasts, I do want to engage with the fan community, but it’s hard to balance being spoiler-free at the same time. I do know some general spoilers that I haven’t updated in a while, but is mostly still accurate. I don’t know what an Archivist is, but I am aware that AU versions of Archives characters have made their debut here.

I am aware that Protocol is going a lot faster than Archives. From what I understand of Archives, it has a lot more slow build up rather than Protocol which I has a pretty good pace. Might be because Protocol has less than half the episodes as Archives.

It’s really interesting how the fandom keeps losing their minds over stuff that I’m just like “yeah cool let’s see where that goes”. Like E26 where the Archivist was named, I felt like I took on the perspective of Alice/Gwen/Sam where I’m like “okay… and this means what?” while the rest of the fandom is taking the Celia perspective of “OH NO”.

Or even this recent episode where this Minister Trevor Herbert dude was. Like I have no idea what this dude is and why everyone is absolutely screaming, crying, throwing up that he’s here, and that is fascinating.

It’s been pretty interesting when I bring up something that felt weird or off that just went nowhere, and my friends revealing some info. I’m like “WHAT” and they’re just like “oh thats not common knowledge?” And I’m just there like “huh?!?” Which turns out, the Hilltop Centre was actually important.

I mostly wish the fandom would tag archives spoilers with #tma /#the Magnus archives / #tma vague just so that spoilers could be tagged a little bit better, but to be fair I am one of the rare people that doesn’t intersect the Venn diagram between archives and protocol.

But overall, I really am loving Protocol. I don’t know when I’ll listen to Archives (probably after Protocol’s three seasons are over) but I will listen to it eventually. Feel free to send more asks my way.

[runningincircl3s]

Nothing Ever After

Noah Sebastian x Reader x Vinny Mauro

Chapter Eighteen

chapter warnings: none?

masterlist

happy monday bffs!! editing and posting this rn with vin's drum stream in the background :) i've written up to chapter 24 now so i'm thinking about posting another chapter on friday again! i'm getting closer and closer to the end of this fic which i’m pretty sad about HOWEVER i’ve started to plan what’s going to come next🤭

Hey, I’m sorry for how I acted towards you today, I just didn't want Rick finding out. I hope I haven’t… Unlock to view more. 

Noah scrunched his face up as he read the message over again, wondering what on earth that could’ve been about. However, he knew better than to intervene in your life where it’s not needed, so he put your phone back down and let himself out of your room. As he was about to leave, your phone buzzed again, but he fought against what his mind was telling him and left before he did something he may regret.

He would be lying if he said he didn't think about unlocking your phone and seeing what that was all about, and what Ricky could've possibly found out about. Maybe five years ago that would've been the sort of thing he'd do, but not anymore. He put his trust in you, and let it go.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

You were rudely awoken the next morning to the sound of knocking at your door. Struggling to open your eyes, you kicked the sheets off with a groan and rushed to answer the door.

"What do you want?" You mumbled, still half asleep as you rubbed your eyes.

“Good morning to you too!” Bryan laughed, handing you a small brown paper bag, “I thought I’d bring you some breakfast and check in on you after last night...” 

“I can’t even remember half of last night,” with a yawn, you stepped to the side to let him in, “I didn’t do anything embarrassing did I? The last thing I want to do is ruin your guys' cool and mysterious reputation.”

“Our reputation's untouched but yours...” he smirked, “Noah had to drag you out when you started to sing just pretend.”

“Oh shit,” you laughed, “I better apologise to him later. What time do we need to be on the bus?”

“About nine, we still have an hour before we've got to be on the road.” 

“Okay cool.” You said, sitting back down on your bed.

There was a brief silence before Bryan spoke again, his tone shifting slightly.

“So… I wanted to check up on you, not just after last night but in general,” he said, his eyes softening. “We’re halfway through the tour now, and I haven’t really asked you how you’re doing. You holding up okay?”

You smiled at him.

“Yeah... I think I’m doing alright. I've had my ups and downs and sometimes I still think this is all a dream, but yeah... Overall, I'm good.” You nodded.

“Well I’m glad to hear that,” he says, “Oh and before I forget, Chris has asked if you can fill in for them again tonight. I’ve heard their photographer keeps having issues with the travel side of things and he keeps missing dates.”

“Yeah... That's cool.” 

“You don’t sound too excited about that,” he chuckles, “Are you sure everything's okay?”

“Yeah,” you smiled weakly, “I think I’m just tired… and hungry.” 

“Well, I’ve got you a bagel,” Bryan said, gesturing to the brown paper bag. “Anyway I can't stay for too long, I need to find Matt, but I’ll catch up with you again later.”

“That's okay. Thank you, Bry.” You said, giving him a genuine smile as he left your room. 

As you began to eat, you reached for your phone, feeling slightly surprised when you saw you had a couple texts from Vinny.

 Hey look I’m sorry for how I acted towards you today, I just didn't want Rick finding out. I hope I haven’t upset you

But I've been thinking a lot about us and I really think we could make something work if you’re happy to. I'm gonna be totally honest, I can’t ignore the way I feel about you anymore y/n, and I know even if you won’t admit it that you feel the same. We should probably talk about this in person tomorrow, but until then I hope you’re okay. Good night x

You read the text over again, slightly taken back at the confession, before replying

Morning :) You didn’t upset me, I guess I was just surprised at how you reacted. But I’m happy to talk later if you are.

Btw I’m with you guys tonight so I might see if I can sneak on your bus with you this morning x

It didn’t take long for him to reply, you barely had a chance to take another bite of your bagel before you had a message back.

Wow I don’t even remember texting you last night lmao

You better hurry your ass up then, we’re leaving in about 10 minutes. I’ll come by your room and get you :) x

You cursed, nearly tripping over your own feet as you scrambled to pack your suitcase, brush your teeth, and fix your hair, your bagel long forgotten. Before you could even get dressed for the day, there was a knock on your door.

“Do I have time to get changed?” You asked, opening the door to find Ricky and Vinny standing there.

“All the guys are already down there... can you do that on the bus?” Rick asked, pressing buttons on his camera before holding it up to face him.

“I guess.” You sighed, slipping your shoes on and grabbing your bag and suitcase.

“Good morning guys... It's out first night on tour after our week off, we just came to get y/n,” Rick says as you shut the door behind you and wave to the camera, “We’re about to go and check out of the hotel, I’ll see you when we’re on the bus!”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“Update, I’m tired! This tour never seems to be ending,” Justin groaned, pointing at the camera, ignoring Ryan as he reminds him everybody's just taken a week off, “Uh.. We’re on our way to tonight's venue- And hey, look, y/n’s with us today! Rick has an extra person to annoy… So he can leave me alone now! Please! Thank you!” He pointed at you with a smirk as he backed away. 

“Fuck you!” You called out, laughing as Ricky panned the camera toward you, waiting for you to say something.

You were sitting beside Vinny, who had his head resting on your shoulder as he watched you play a game. He was acting like nothing happened yesterday, like nothing happened over the weekend, which you wouldn't complain about- it saved all the awkwardness and questions. You were waiting for a moment alone with him where you could talk about yesterday, and what he really meant in his message last night. However, with Rick's camera in your face, you worried you wouldn't get a chance.

“Update,” you sighed, faking a smile, “I’m playing animal crossing and procrastinating. I have photos to edit but I don’t want to do it yet because my laptop is fucked, I'm scared it's actually going to blow up, so I’m waiting until I can steal Bryan’s when we get to the venue-"

“Oh is that a fish?” Vinny pointed at the screen, “Can I catch it?”

“You can borrow my laptop.” Ricky offered, putting his camera down, “I don’t know what you usually use to edit but I have a few different apps and software's downloaded on it, you could play about with them and see if they're any good.”

“Really?” You looked up at him in surprise. “I’d really appreciate that, Rick. Thanks.”

“Of course! I’ll go and get it.” 

“Vin, I am trusting you with my island, don't cause any trouble or spend all my bells... She's in your hands.” You say, passing him your switch before getting up to follow Ricky. 

“I feel honoured.” He smiled. "I'll take good care of it."

As you followed Rick back to the bunks, you noticed he was on a call, and you didn’t want to interrupt. You awkwardly stood there as he spoke, keeping your eye on Vinny as you tried your best not to listen in, but you couldn't help it.

“Should I tell him?” Ricky tried to keep his voice low. “Or do you want to keep it a surprise?... Yeah? Okay… Well, that’s great. Sure, I'll let you know, thank you! Bye.”

He hung up, turning to find you standing awkwardly in the hallway.

“Sorry, that was Vin’s dad,” Ricky explained, gesturing to his phone in his hand. “Don’t tell him, but his parents are coming to surprise him at our next show. They just wanted to double-check the details.”

Your heart sank, panic blooming in your chest. Vinny’s parents were coming?

“What?” Your mouth went dry, shaking your head. “No, I won’t say a word…”

“Thanks,” he smiled, “Anyway, here's my laptop, the password is Ryan's birthday."

You spent the entire journey to the next venue wondering how the hell you would go about the next show. Surely if you stayed with the Bad Omens guys then you wouldn’t cross paths with his parents, but then they’d be asking questions and if any of the others caught wind of the situation after this weekend you’d both have a ton of explaining to do.

Once you were at the next venue all the guys began setting up as you sat with Ryan, who had hurt his back the night before so was excused from any heavy lifting. You had gotten a few pictures of the guys throughout the morning so you could edit them with Rick’s laptop, playing about with the different editing apps he had installed.

“So how are you finding the tour?” Ryan asked, looking up from his phone. The two of you were sat outside the bus with a couple chairs you stole from the venue, the morning sun shining down bright onto the both of you.

“It’s nothing like I expected,” you admitted, “But it’s been fun. I’ve loved getting to know you guys... some more than others.”

“Oh yeah?” He smirked, looking over at Rick, wiggling his eyebrows

“What?”

“I saw you and Rick earlier,” he teased, “Isn’t Noah going to be upset?”

“Ricky?!” You burst out laughing, “No! Hasn’t he got a girlfriend?”

“I don’t know, does he?” Ryan furrowed his eyebrows, “If he does then I haven't met her. He’s quite a private guy, I guess.”

“Guess who…” A voice from behind you made you jump as you felt a pair of hands cover your eyes. 

“An angel?” 

“Close enough.” Angela smiled down at you, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “Noah was asking about you by the way, I don’t think he realised I’ve literally just got here.”

“He is? Where is he?” You asked, and she pointed to the door that led inside. 

“He’s setting something up by the stage with Matt, he also asked if you were hungover but you don’t look it, what happened last night?” She chuckled. 

“Shit I forgot about last night.” You shook your head, watching Ryan smile as a curious look spread across Ang’s face. “There was a karaoke night at a bar by our hotel, long story short... Noah had to walk me back after a couple hours.”

“And you didn’t invite us!” Ryan gasped dramatically.

“I had to spend all weekend with Vin, I needed a break from you guys! Anyway, I guess I’ll go and look for Noah. I need to thank him for getting me back safe.” You said, getting up from the fold up chair and giving Angela a hug before you made your way into the venue. 

After a few minutes of wandering, you eventually found the guys and gave them a wave as you approached them. 

“How are you feeling?” Noah asked, laughing as he handed Matt something to plug into their sound equipment. 

“Not too bad,” you smiled, “Thanks for getting me to bed last night. I don’t remember too much of it if I'm being honest.” 

“I think that’s for the best,” Matt laughed, “Me and Bryan said you should go up there and sing just pretend tonight- give you a chance to finish what you started last night!"

“Give me a mic and I’ll do it.” You grinned as Noah shook his head. 

“I just wanted to make sure you’re alright, I asked Angela when she came through just now but she said she hadn't seen you."

“Yeah she sent me to you,” you smile, “Need any help with anything?” You felt quite helpless as you watched them all stress over whether the cables were plugged into the right places and try to figure out which one was loose.

"No, I think we're good." Noah slowly nodded his head, carefully watching Matt take his hat off to scratch his head.

He wondered whether he should bring up the message from Vinny last night, but he didn't want you to think he was snooping on your phone. Despite his curiosity, he chose not to bring it up, but he'd keep his eye on you today instead, maybe he could piece things together. He thought perhaps he could start by asking you one simple question...

Y/n," Noah begun, but was interrupted by Chris.

“You could go and get some pictures of Rick over there,” Chris laughed from behind you, and as you turned you spotted Ricky standing with his guitar on him with his phone in his hand, “Catch his ass slacking!” He grinned. 

However, you were quickly distracted by Vinny at the drums. Shirtless at the drums. Sure, it was hot in this venue, but everybody else managed to stay fully dressed. 

“I... uh, left my camera by the bus,” you say, “I’ll get it and I’ll be right back.” 

As you left, you could see Vinny glancing at you. You tried not to blush as you pushed the doors open and made your way back to the bus. You desperately wanted to tell him about the news you received from Ricky, to put a plan in place to stop them from saying anything to the others, but you also wanted his parents visiting to be a nice surprise for him. 

However, there was one thing that was for sure- you needed to talk to Angela. 

“Back so soon?” Angela gave you a smile as you sat back at the table, you had passed Ryan on the way out, leaving the two of you alone. "Everything good?"

“I forgot my camera.” You said, sighing as you sat back in the chair, “Ang, we have a problem.” 

“What is it?” She asked, putting her phone down on the table and taking off her sunglasses.

“Vin’s parents are coming to the next show to surprise him, but if you remember Vinny told them that I'm his-”

“Angela?” You heard Chris call out, spotting the two of you and smiling, “Do you want to get yourself set up?”

“Of course.” She nodded, watching as Chris put his thumbs up and walked back into the building. “Look, we’re not too far from my apartment for the next couple shows, why don’t you stay over tonight? I’ve got ice cream, wine,” she smiled, getting up from her chair, “We can have a catch up if you want?”

“I’d love that!” You grin, “Thank you.” 

“Any time!” She said, pulling you into a hug. 

As she left, you spotted your camera and picked it up, expecting to see some candid pictures of the guys when upload them onto the laptop, as it wasn’t in the place you had left it. 

As you made your way back into the venue, your camera in hand, you spotted Rick standing by the side, still absorbed in his phone. You grinned, ready to take the shot, but then you caught a glimpse of Vinny across the room. He was deep in conversation with the rest of the band, but his eyes kept flicking toward you, but you tried to ignore this.

You snapped a couple shots of Rick, chuckling to yourself as he didn't even seem to notice you were taking his picture. You glanced back over at Vinny, who began walking away from the group, heading backstage. He gave you a nod of his head, basically saying 'follow me'.

You left your camera by Nicholas, asking him to keep his eye on it as you followed Vin, trying to keep up with him.

“Hey.” He greeted you softly as you followed him into the room, he reached into the mini fridge, grabbing a couple bottles of water, holding one out to you.

"Hi," you smiled nervously. "So... I think we need to talk."

Vinny nodded.

"Yeah, I..." He paused, thinking of how to word his next sentence. "I'm sorry for snapping at you yesterday, you didn’t deserve that. I’ve just been so stressed lately with the tour, my parents, my roommate’s broken our tv…” He sighs, “And then I’ve been thinking about everything... About us, about you."

There was a vulnerability in the way he spoke that you had never heard before. Vinny was usually the most unserious guy in the room, always making people laugh and having fun, seeing him open up like this felt like you were seeing a whole new side of him.

"What do you mean?" You asked, meeting his gaze.

"That night at the hotel... That felt like more than just a fuck to me." He chuckled, "We weren't just releasing tension, were we? It felt… I dunno. I don't know how to explain it, y/n, but I know you felt it too."

You felt your chest tighten, and there was a lump in your throat as you nodded your head.

"I know... I did, I felt it too," you confess, "But we've talked about this before, Vin. There's Noah, and there's our friendship- I don't want to risk losing that if I hurt you again."

"You won't," he assures you, a soft smile on his face as he speaks, "I know your situation with Noah, and I'm telling you right now that if you're down for it then so am I."

"What exactly are you down for...?" You furrowed your eyebrows.

"You," he smirked, "Can we just give it a try maybe? I'm not asking for a relationship, I'm not asking for you to drop Noah but... Y'know, if you two still aren't exclusive then... Could we…?" He couldn’t bring himself to say the words.

"Last month you told me you can't do this," you frowned, "You told me you’ve been in an arrangement like this before and you can’t do it again. You're totally sure this is okay? You know we'll have to keep everything a secret, right? Folio, Matt and Angela know about us, Ricky’s bound to find out at some point, but it can’t go any further, okay?"

Vin was silent as he nodded his head.

"I know," he sighed, "It's taken some time but I've realised that's what I want. The thrill of it, the risk, I'm willing to give it a try if you are."

You exhaled slowly, a hesitant smile tugging at your lips.

"Okay… If you're sure you really want this. But if anyone, especially Noah, starts asking questions…" you added, "We're just friends."

"Of course," he nods, "But I need to know something, I've been wondering for a while now and I apologise if it's too invasive...”

“Okay…”

“When we were talking about that feeling we felt back in the hotel this weekend, do you feel that when you're with Noah?"

You thought for a moment. Sure, you felt many things when you are with Noah, some things you don't feel around Vinny, but have you ever felt that?

When you’re with Noah you feel nothing but pure pleasure, and you know that’s his aim. He doesn’t care about himself when he’s with you, he prides himself in being a giver rather than a receiver. When you’re with Vinny, however, you feel like you’re both in the moment, you’re connected- dare you even say it, you feel love.

Was that what that feeling was?

Before you could even open your mouth to answer, the sound of footsteps echoed from the hallway, and you both turned to see Noah walking in, phone in his hand.

"Everything okay?" Noah asked, raising an eyebrow as he looked between you and Vinny.

You nodded quickly, trying to think of something to say.

"Yeah, uh, are you ready for tonight?"

"Our biggest crowd so far? Yeah, I'd say so." He smiled, bending down to plug his charger into his phone. “How are you feeling?”

“Kinda nervous,” you confess, “Vin was giving me a pep talk, right?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, "Anyway I'd better, uh... Get back to the others." Vinny said, giving you a soft smile before leaving the room.

There was quite a silence between you and Noah as you both stood there, opposite sides of the room. He was the one to break the silence first, taking a breath as he crossed his arms before he asked.

"So... What did Vinny not want Rick to find out about?"

You scoffed, screwing your face in confusion.

"What?"

"I saw he texted you last night, I didn't mean to look but your phone was right in front of me and I saw the message. Then, I come in here to charge my phone and it's like I walked in on something, you both had the same look in your eyes as if to say 'oh shit!' when you saw me. Is there something going on between you two?"

"No, Noah..." You chuckled, trying your best to be as convincing as possible as you lie straight to his face, "He didn't want Ricky to find out about the birthday present he bought in New York!" You were shocked as the words left your lips, how you covered your back so quickly, "I accidently said something about it without realising he was there, Vin was pissed and... Yeah." You pressed your lips together as you nodded your head.

You couldn't tell if Noah bought your story or not, but he didn't question anything.

Surely that was a good sign, right?

------------------------------

@rumoured-whispers @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @lma1986 @thisbicc @dominuslunae @miss570 @miamore0570 @jilliemiw86 @itsyaboinoah @kait16xo @discocowgirly @rainy-darling

[elliereject]

creep .1

* in which you’re dragged to a frat party and spend most of it lingering in the corner, that is until a certain auburn-haired girl with unusually sharp canines appears next you and turns your night into something much more interesting.

* loserish!reader, vamp!ellie 😫, hemophilia if you squint, creepy ellie…duh, depictions of a singular graphic scene at the end, kissing, biting, heavy petting. that’s pretty much it lmk if I missed anything..nsfw in future chapter(s)

* this is one of the only things I’ve written recently that I’ve enjoyed writing and found decent so I hope u enjoy it, I’m glad I got this out before Halloween too, I’ve had vamp!ellie rattling around in my head a for a while, yk, fellow writers..I’d love to see..werewolf!abby..haha jk jk, unless 🫣..

*mdni

wc ~ 1k

pt 2. coming soon

“God, ★ can you go dance? It’s a fucking party loosen up!”

You held your red solo cup up to your “friend” and gave her an awkward smile. “I’m good over here!”

She sighed and rolled her eyes before slipping back into the sweaty crowd.

This was the most uncomfortable you’ve ever felt in your life.

It was a Saturday night; the chilly air, crunchy leaves, and overall mood of the season had deluded you into wanting to go out and socialize, so for the first time in a long time you agreed to attend a frat party with a “friend” you’d met in one of your classes.

It took you almost an hour to get ready, and as you reapplied your eyeliner for the fifth time you hoped that the saying “when you look good, you feel good” was true and you didn’t spend 20 minutes picking your outfit in vain.

Once you were ready, your “friend” picked you up from your dorm and the two of you walked over to the party, she was already a little tipsy from pre-gaming in her dorm with her roommate who was going to some other party so you had to make sure she didn’t stumble onto her face more than once.

The makeshift bouncer, a senior named Grey, or Grug or something gave you a once-over before looking at your friend who had to clarify you were with her, which definitely didn’t deflate your confidence.

Before you were even in the crowded, humid house, you knew you weren’t going to enjoy yourself, you never really did at parties if you were being honest, but you didn’t think your “friend” would ditch you to go grind her ass on some random chads and brads, yet here you were, nursing a cherry seltzer, and there she was, shaking ass.

Yay, college!

You were about to take another sip from your cup when a presence suddenly appeared beside you that made you jump out of your skin and caused your drink to slosh onto the already sticky floor.

“Shit! What the fuck?” You asked, looking up at the figure who seemingly appeared out of thin air.

“Fuck! Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you, you just looked bored.” She replied, her voice was gravelly and her eyes, the colour of jade. Her auburn hair was cut short and freckles were scattered across her face. Safe to say she was hot. “I can go get you another drink?”

You waved it off, “It’s fine, it wasn’t that good anyways. Plus I should probably pay more attention to my surroundings, even if I am bored.”

She hummed out a sound of understanding, “Not your scene?”

You shrugged, “Not really,” you eyed her outfit, blue jeans with a green flannel and a brown leather jacket, converse. “Doesn’t seem like yours either.”

“Really? Cause I like just made out with Bryson in the storage closet, it was suuuupper hot.” She said, pointing a ringed finger to a blond dude clad in a football jersey who was currently shoving his tongue down a blonde girl's throat.

You allowed yourself a small smile, hot and funny? Yikes.

“Pretty sure his name is Brickson, but close enough.”

“What the fuck kind of name is Brickson?” She laughed, “Did a brick fall on his head after he was born or some shit?”

You shrugged before smiling, fully, “Judging by how flat the top of his looks? Probably.”

She snorted at this and you couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride, you made this hot, funny, cool girl laugh, you!

“Hey, so don’t freak out but that guy’s been staring at you for the past 10 minutes.” She said, flicking her head in the direction of said guy.

You turned your head to look at him, he wasn’t..unattractive. He was muscular and had on a sports jersey that seemed to small for his build, his hair was cut into a messy mullet and when he met your gaze he…winked.

You cringed and looked back at the cool girl, “I hope he doesn’t think anything’s gonna happen, he’s not really my type.”

She gave you a knowing smile before asking, “And what exactly is your type?”

You shrugged, “Preferably someone with boobs.”

She sighed, “Can’t relate, I love penis.”

You gave her a pointed look and she laughed, “What? Not believable?”

You rolled your eyes, “Not in the slight—“ your eyes widened as they looked past her shoulder. “Shit, he’s walking over here.”

“Wanna do something crazy then?” She asked quickly, her jade eyes meeting yours and you found yourself nodding before she even finished her sentence. Hell, you’d bark if she asked you to. “Just follow my lead.”

Her large hand wrapped around your waist while her other found purchase on your neck, before you could think her lips were on yours. Slightly chapped but soft and enticing, kissing her was easy and you felt like you could do it forever.

Her skin was so cold you could feel it through your clothes. Your mind was completely encapsulated by her presence and just as you were starting to get used to it, she pulled away.

You thought whatever moment the two of you shared was over but you were wrong. Her lips trailed along your jaw, and her grip on your waist tightened. The hand that had been holding your neck was now on your hip, caressing back and forth with tenderness that had your thighs clenching, wanting more.

Each kiss felt like a snowflake melting into your skin until she was down to your neck. She kissed and nibbled on it before pausing.

“What’s wr—Ow! What the hell? Did you just–bite me?”

She chuckled after pulling away, “Never gotten a hickey before?”

You went quiet, because, well you haven’t but you’re sure it didn’t result in genuine blood trickling out of one’s body.

You traced your fingers over the mark and winced, it was most definitely going to leave a scar. She must’ve seen the discontentment on your face because she spoke up.

“Don’t worry, it’ll heal up quickly, you won’t even notice there was something there by tomorrow.” Her eyes clung to drops of blood dribbling down your neck.

You scoffed, “Let me guess, you’ve done this before?”

“Kind of.” She shrugged after what looked like reluctantly peeling her eyes away from your neck. “That guy’s gone though, must’ve scared him off.”

You smiled at her, “Must’ve been my presence, I can be pretty intimidating.”

She laughed loudly at this and you felt your confidence inflate once again. So much so, that the idea of asking for her number even popped into your head. But it was overtaken by more rational thoughts,

What if she thought you were weird? That you were moving to quick? Or what if she was just looking for someone to take home tonight, which you wouldn’t be opposed to but—

“Hey.” She snapped her fingers in front of your face.

“Sorry, what’d you say?” You asked sheepishly, you can’t believe you spaced out in front of her, you could’ve sworn she was hypnotizing you with her laugh or something.

“You do need to pay more attention to your surroundings,” She said, giving you a small smile, “Never know what kind of creeps are lurking around at these parties.”

You rolled your eyes, “I’m sure I can hold my own against a Chad or a Brittney.”

“I’m sure you could but—“ The music that had previously been wafting through the room turned up abruptly and you’d missed the last part of what she said.

“What?!” You shouted, putting your hand up to cup your ear.

She chuckled softly and leaned down so her lips were practically grazing the shell of your ear, the smell of mint, whiskey, and something metallic filled your senses.

When she spoke, a shiver racked through your body, “But if it was someone a little smarter? More discreet? If they snuck up beside you and covered your mouth? Or slipped something in your drink? Pulled you away? Would anybody notice, would anybody care?”

You pushed her away, her cool, easy going demeanor suddenly shifting into something eerie and uncomfortable. Her jade eyes gazed at you curiously as a blood-curdling shriek ripped through the house.

She jutted her thumb over her shoulder, “That’s my cue. See you around, ★.” She said, giving you a genuine smile, and it was just now you finally noticed her unusually sharp canines.

You gazed down at your drink as others pushed and shoved around, scrambling to get out of the house, away from all the horror.

And as you pulled a small scrap of paper out of your empty cup, 10 numbers and a name scrawled across it in red ink; you finally looked up to see your friend's lifeless body sprawled across the living room floor, her limbs bent in odd angles.

Yay, college!

[voreyeurism]

Yooo you're back! I'm glad to know you're still kicking! How have you been?

I’ve been alright!! :D Overall I feel like I’m in a good place, though I stil have some ongoing and new life blocks to deal with (most chiefly, I moved to a place with frequent barometric pressure changes, and it taught me I have pretty severe fibromyalgia TT)

I don’t draw or write as much as I used to, but still enjoy it frequently (as well as OCing with mutuals) and want to try and put more of my stuff out there again! I’ve been uploading works intermittently on Twitter, but it doesn’t have the same vibes as Tumblr and I missed this place a lot ahaha. So I ended up making @idolkilling to share things I made and talk about OCs again!

I want to get back into the kink scene (I never stopped drawing belly stuff in particular… still very tummy pilled), but since I draw/write such varied subject matter I’ve decided to divide them as such:

(the “you are here” thing is cuz I posted this on one of my twitters, so it doesn’t reflect this blog JDFKSLKDF)

Basically the majority of my works (SFW as well as relatively tame violent/erotic pieces) will go to @idolkilling now, VYRSM will be for more raunchy things (graphic gore, unsanitary, extreme kinks), and VOREYEURISM will be for belly stuff (naturally). Same usernames on both Twitter and Tumblr, though I have yet to set up the kink-focused accounts… *head in hands* *slow ass SNS guy*

I’ll probably change the username of this blog so I can make the new ones secondaries? Unsure! I get overly-invested in the logistics of these things smh.

…There is also the fact I cannot post explicit art on Tumblr… I’ll probably just post previews and link to Twitter in that case, but I’d like to have the blogs for asks and general musings about kink without being constrained by Twitter’s character limit/no ask box ahaha/// I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get anything done, but it’s on my mind! I miss yelling here!!!

Anyway sorry for the long yap LOL Thank you for remembering me and taking the time to check in! It means a lot 🥹<3

[catboybiologist]

1 month HRT update and journal thingy!

So as I said in my pinned post, I'm gonna be doing a monthly kind of progress check on HRT. Well, it's been 32 days, so here it is! Here's some measurements of interest:

But, I found that the raw measurements, and a single "other column" wasn't sufficient to really catalogue my experience. So I wrote a long, probably overly detailed account of some of the things I've experienced in the past month.

And holy shit, what a month it's been.

So first off, lets start with what’s not happening. Some good, some bad. I think I missed the skin softness gene or something. I’ve really noticed no change in skin texture, and that’s often cited as the first noticeable physical change from HRT. My skin was somewhat soft before, but nothing like the transfemmes I know irl, so this was a bit disappointing. But in all honesty, it’s not that big of a deal.

The other thing that I haven’t noticed yet is a reduced aerobic capacity or physical ability. I’m sure this will come in time, but the interesting thing here is that one of my main physical activities, freediving, is actually a far more direct measurement of aerobic capacity than most others. I can’t do this in nearly a consistent enough way to actually log it, but my casual breath hold times in the couple of times I’ve been freediving since starting HRT haven’t changed. On a fairly standard dive, I usually stay down 60-70 seconds, and that’s still true. With good prep and good air conservation on the bottom (I like to hold onto rocks and kelp, and stay motionless while looking around lol), I can get 90 seconds or beyond (I don’t like pushing it). Part of the problem is that so much of this is variable, and is highly dependent on how good my equipment prep is that day (insulation and weighting), water conditions (cold and rough=more energy=shorter dives), and my boy physiology (how much I’ve eaten, caffeine intake, etc). But in general, I haven’t noticed major physical fitness changes yet. 

Weight gain has been intermittent. I’ve always been a bit swingy on my weight, and can easily go +/- 5lbs in no time at all. At one point, I was 4lbs over my pre-HRT weight (3 week interval), but now I’m down to 1 pound over. My waist is slightly thinner than it was pre-HRT, but that seems to be normal fluctuation. Where did the extra 1-3lbs go? We’ll get to that, LOL.

My waist measurement hasn’t changed, but anecdotally, I do think there’s changes going on there. The 43 inches measurement is still at my widest point, around my thighs (which have always been pretty good). Now, however, I’m noticing what seems to be some growth on areas that aren’t covered by the exact circle I’m using to measure that. My butt seems slightly bigger, although I could just be lying to myself. Time will tell.

Onto the stuff that has changed!

Mood. Oh my god mood. My resting state is no longer a crackling misery. I don’t think I was ever suicidal because of dysphoria alone, but I was certainly pushed to that point far, far easier when it was a contributing factor. I also just… didn’t enjoy anything about my body. When I was happy, it was a distraction. Now, it’s already much better. I still don’t like my body. I got a long way to go. But, I’m seeing progress, and it’s been incredible.

Emotions overall have been more intense. I’ve had a couple of downswings, and I get misty eyed easier. I haven’t had a proper cry yet, though. I get excited about things again, which was a COMPLETELY dead feeling. And I have also gotten angry at some things, which is also something I killed as a teenager because I was scared of where it took me. It hasn’t been as uncontrollable as I expected, however, and the negative emotions I’m experiencing more viscerally have been immensely cathartic. 

            And then, there's the big one. Hopefully that's literal. And that's breast growth. Almost immediately I noticed some kind of perking up, but no breast bud formation and no immediate growth. At about week 2, I was able to feel the distinct disks of breasts buds under my nipples, and my bust size started increasing. Now, at 4.5 weeks in, my bust size is 1.5 inches larger than it was pre-HRT.

           This is ludicrously fast. As in, so fast it has me questioning if I'm actually intersex or something. I think my E levels will be enlightening.

I really, REALLY don’t want to get too hopeful. But overall, if some of these trends continue… I’m gonna get a LOT curvier. Honestly, my ideal body would be pretty tight and trim… but I’m fucking estatic anyways. I’m just really, really hoping that the breast growth trend continues, and also that the tiny observations I’ve made about a bigger butt and thinner waist are actually real. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to boymode like this LMAO.

There’s also the opposite fear: if my estrogen levels are too high, it could signal the end of “puberty” too early. It’s looking like a possibility, but I gotta wait until next week for my levels check.

There’s one final set of observations I wanna put here, but y’all gotta not be weird about it LOL. I WILL block you and erase this part if you treat this as anything more than impartial observations about myself. Got it? Good. NSFW warning for the next bit.

I want to make some remarks on libido and erogenous sensitivity in general, because that has also been one of the most notable changes.

First off, I heard so many stories about HRT killing libido. Holy fuck, this has not been true for me. I’m going crazy sometimes LOL. I absolutely have a somewhat higher libido on average, but its already changed the way its expressed itself.

First off, my entire body is more sensitive to erogenous soft touch. The right kind of touch and care on my waist will feel very similar to more traditional erogenous zones. I’ve NEVER had this before, and was completely blindsided by it. I’m absolutely fascinated by what neural change caused that, but its really cool even if I don’t know the underlying explanation.

Second off, my libido spikes and hot flashes sometimes. I think this is pretty typical of anyone going under a hormonal change, and tbh I’m not surprised.

Third off is the weirdest one, and something that I’ve asked other transfemmes about, and none have been able to answer. My chest sensitivity seems to be going through very distinct mini-cycles, on the approximate span of time being one full “cycle” per week. Essentially, when I started HRT, my chest first got very sore, itchy, and sensitive to sources of pain and itchiness. It stayed like that for a few days, and then all sensitivity to the area cut out. My nipples pre-HRT were always more sensitive than other cis men, and in this phase, they were actually less sensitive than they were pre HRT. This lasted another couple of days… and then there was a period of massively increased erogenous sensitivity. Soft touches made me wild, and I started wearing  bra not for the support, but to block my shirt from rubbing against them and distracting me. Holy FUCK, this phase is insane. And then after that, they went back to sore again, and then dead again, and then erogenous again. Right now, I’m in the erogenous “phase” of what I think is the fourth cycle here since I started HRT. I have no fucking clue what’s going on. It’s not the period that some trans women report getting, its not a monthly thing. It might just be my body adjusting strangely to new hormones in general, but yeah. Its weird, bc it seems like a pretty unique thing. 

So yeah. That’s a journal thing. I had a LOT more thoughts about HRT starting beyond just the initial measurements, because so much hit me way faster than I thought it would, so I wanted to write something long form. I think I’m going to write something similar each month along with my measurements update, but I expect future writing to be much, much shorter. It’s been incredible so far, but I’m guessing less will be novel- I think things will only be different when I change aspects of my HRT regimen. We’ll see.

[thetriplets3]

"Your lover isn't feeling well, and even though it's probably dangerous to drive this late at night, you have to make sure they're all right."with Chris strniolo please??

I made it about just a bad day I hope that’s okay, I can redo it if you want anon! Also please read the note at the end!! Thank you for all your requests

warnings: anxiety, depression, overall a bad day mentally, brief mention of a mother daughter relationship (please let me know if I missed anything so I can update this)

☎️ One call away ☎️

It’s hard to tell what exactly made me feel this way, it’s just one of those days. I’ve struggled with mental health problems for years and it’s been getting better but some days feel like I’m back to where I was before. That’s what healing is, some good days some bad, the good outweigh the bad. It’s just frustrating to make progress and then feel like you’re starting from the beginning again.

I spent almost every hour tossing and turning last night unable to fall asleep or stay asleep for long. Despite this I have yet to get out of bed and it’s 3pm. I haven’t been able to do anything except mindlessly scrolling through tiktok not even paying attention to them, in my own little world that I desperately want out of. My phone vibrates, snapping me out of my trance to see a text from my boyfriend Chris.

Hey pretty girl haven’t heard from you all day. Everything alright?

I stare at his text for a while trying to find the right words to make everything sound like I’m fine. Sighing I drop my phone on my bed and head to the kitchen grabbing a snack before making my way back to my bed. Finishing off my snack, I curl up under the fuzzy blanket Chris got me for my birthday. He was here the other night, it smells just like his cologne. I lie there, basking in the smell that lingers bringing me comfort. I want him here, I need him here but I just can’t get myself to put this on him. He has so much on his plate already I don’t want him to worry about me, I’ll be fine this feeling will go away, until it inevitably comes back. A never ending cycle, it’s exhausting.

Apparently it’s been over an hour because I get another text from Chris.

Sweetheart is everything okay? What’s going on? I’m here talk to me.

Realizing I never replied to his first text I grab my phone and send a text back.

Hi love sorry for ignoring you. I’m fine I’m just not feeling it today. I love you and I miss you.

Almost immediately I get a text back which makes me smile at his concern.

What can I do to help? Do you want space or do you want me to come over because you know I’ll drop everything for you no matter how late it is.

My heart swells at how sweet he is.

You being here would make things better.

Within 10 minutes he’s knocking on my bedroom door, having let himself in to my house. Hearing me hum as a response he quietly makes his way to my bed, crawling in next to me.

“Hi sweet girl, I’m here now it’s okay” he said softly.

Quickly I scoot over into his arms, just wanting to be held by him. Closing my eyes I sigh trying to release the weight of the day. With his arms securely wrapped around my body, I feel safe. With a shaky breath I start trying to explain what’s going on.

“I don’t know what brought this on but I hate it I feel so helpless and lazy. I didn’t have it in me to even brush my hair it’s such a simple task and I couldn’t do it” I sputter out in tears.

“Don’t say that you know it’s not true that’s just what your mind is telling you and your mind is being silly today. Think of it this way it’s your body’s way of telling you to just relax and slow down and to take time for yourself. It happens, and yeah it sucks but tomorrow is a new day and a chance to try again” he reassures me. “Give me one second I’ll be right back”.

Rolling out from his grasp I lie there waiting for his return. Getting back in bed he hides what he went to go get behind his back and opened his arms for me. Reaching over to my nightstand he grabs my remote and opens netflix selecting my comfort show, making me smile.

With my head on his chest and my tired eyes fixated on the tv, I feel him move as much of my hair as he can to my back. Slowly and gently he brushes through my knotted hair starting at my ends. The repeated motion of the brush against my scalp has always been something I loved. It reminds me of being a kid and sitting on my mom’s counter as she did my hair for the day. It’s always been a comforting feeling to me and Chris knows this.

My eyes grow heavy as I struggle to keep them open. “Go to sleep love I’m not leaving. I love you so much I hope you know how proud I am of you, you’re so strong” is the last thing I hear before succumbing to a much needed sleep.

taglist:

@iluvmatt @antisocialties @dwntwn-strnlo @fake-coolbeans

AUTHORS NOTES:

[quibbs126]

I can finally post this, after weeks!

But yeah, this here is something I made to celebrate the 9th anniversary of Evoland 2

Some people may remember this work in progress from weeks ago, but now I can finally show the finished product. Which I finished 2 weeks ago

It’s based on the 3D picture you get when you finish the game, specially the 100% completion, and more specifically, my screenshot that I took when I first completed the game and got 100%

Though I should probably also note that this was the only picture I had of the beach scene until I was mostly done with the picture, so there are some inaccuracies between it and the original. Except for Reno in place of the Prophet, that was completely intentional

This game was I think the first (and will probably be the only) game I’ve ever 100% completed, and when I did it the first time, it was just because I knew that games would have extra things for those who 100% it, and I wanted to see what the game would give me. It’s the only time I was so invested in a game that I had to know what I’d get if I got everything. It’s also the only game where losing nearly 10 hours of progress due to a (maybe) glitch does not make me give up the game in frustration, but instead complete the entire thing within a single school week

I may gripe about my issues with the game, but I absolutely love it, and I have a lot of fun playing it. Well, aside from the parts I’m bad at, but that’s just because I’m bad at them. I feel like I have next to nothing to complain about from a gameplay perspective (which is in part because I don’t know how to critique gameplay, but also because I think any issues I have are my own fault), it’s just narrative stuff. And even then, I wouldn’t nitpick it so much if I wasn’t so invested in the world, story and characters

Maybe today I’ll start replaying it again, seeing how I’m pretty sure I’m free today from any schoolwork

I’m still holding on to some admittedly delusional hope that a 3rd game could release one day, even if I know it’ll almost certainly have nothing to do with this one, but even if it never does, I’ll still have this game to play over and over again, so I can accept it

I was disappointed that I missed the last two, since I first played the game in 2022, but not this year, I remembered!

Now to just talk about the art itself, the reason there’s two versions is because I originally made the background lineless, but after finishing the characters I thought it maybe clashed a bit too much, so I made a duplicate of the picture to do a lined version. But I also spent so long on the lineless version that I didn’t want to just leave it in the void, so I’m showing it too

Admittedly now I think I can say the lined version probably is the better one, but I can still show off both

I used the card colors for the characters, since all of them have cards for reference, but now I’m looking at the colors and thinking they look somewhat wrong. At least on Menos

Also as mentioned prior, I switched out the Prophet for Reno. I know I’m biased but I really think he’d fit in this picture of all the main characters far more than the Prophet, considering he’s kind of the reason the plot started, the second half happened, and he’s the main motivation for one of our party members. I mean, I see why the Prophet’s there in the original. He’s really the only other semi-important character with a 3D model, and Reno never had one, so they’d have to make an entirely new one just for this extra thing. Also it doesn’t make sense for him to have a 3D model in the first place, especially not of his Present era self. But not only is this now a drawing where I have the power to do what I want, this scene isn’t canon in the first place, so put Reno in the background there!

Overall though, I’m honestly surprised the piece turned out as good as it did. Those who follow me know that I was really struggling with drawing during the summer, more specifically drawing people and the Evoland 2 cast. But despite all that, I think the characters turned out pretty well. Certainly not the best, but better than I was expecting. And not only that, but the background turned out so much better than I thought it would, especially since I don’t usually do backgrounds. Though I suppose it does help to have a reference for all this though. But yeah, there was a reason I was so proud of how the sketch turned out, and while the final product may not have entirely been what I was hoping for after the sketch, it still turned out pretty good

As long as I can remember it next year (which I really hope I can, considering that’s the 10th anniversary), I’ll try to make something there too, hopefully with much improved drawing skills, since I’m still trying to figure all that out again still

Not sure what I’ll draw then. Maybe I could redraw the beach scene, or make an entirely new beach scene concocted by my brain. But it’s also the 10th anniversary next year, so maybe it should be something more special

Ah well, that’s next year’s problem. For now, have this to celebrate the game’s anniversary. For the minuscule amount of people who actually play this game, I guess

[marybatson]

Hello again wise oracle of the Batson knowledge ✨ I have a question, comics are complicated and rain is wet, what else is new? I wanted to read To Hell and Back but I wasn't completely sure what stories are set before that one. I think it all starts with Seven Magic Lands? But that's as far as my knowledge goes :/

lolol I think i can help! hmm while I’m here let me just give you the overall order we got when they kickstarted the whole shazam soft reboot (at least where i felt it began) until maybe present day bc i get that it can be a little odd trying to understand where current continuity really begins:

Shazam! (2018) / this is seven lands and yes you’re right, it is mostly what domino effects everything that comes next. but just know some lore “established” here becomes pretty wishy washy by the time we get to the present, including characterization sometimes, so take it w a grain of salt probably

Shazam!: Lightning Strikes (2020) / extremely optional and quick fun read about the other shazam user kids, but a couple side stories sort of additional to everything during Shazam! (2018)

Future State: Shazam (2021) / in my opinion, also an optional read. the future state storyline isn’t super important or relevant to where billy and co go afterwards but i did kinda like the speculative idea of captain-without-billy even if grimdark lol.

Teen Titans Academy (2021) / now this is where you would officially begin if you just want context for To Hell and Back. also must forewarn that this book isn’t actually…good…lol. but that’s just my own opinion…. To Hell happens in between issues of these so I would read the starting issues first then To Hell then again the last issues of TTA since that’s sort of where things leave off for the shazam kids until mary’s tncos

Shazam!: To Hell and Back (2022) / the reason why he’s joined the academy is bc he’s trying to find a way to get his powers back that he + the rest of the kids have lost/destabilized for some reason. the actual logistics of this is probably best not looked that deeply into lmao. anyway it brings back neron, who was brought back in Future State, but whose best appearance was his role in Underworld Unleashed (1995) and just for funsies (+ neron’s characterization) I’d recommend trying that out if you have free time

everything after this is pretty much just dark crisis appearances then dc’s dawn of dc lazarus planet stuff (dark crisis didn’t necessarily have much impact on the shazam storyline plus i didnt really read all that sooo not listing idk):

The New Champion of Shazam! (2022) / establishes mary + the kids minus billy

Lazarus Planet: We Were Once Gods (2023) / billy got saved by mary and malik white aka bolt aka read Black Adam (2022) if u havent…

Lazarus Planet: Revenge of the Gods (2023) / event stuff

Wonder Woman (2016) #798 / weave-in to Lazarus Planet, pertaining to mostly to mary’s story but billy’s a lil relevant

Shazam! (2023) / ongoing comic in continuity. the one where he’s officially “the captain” again.

i’m hoping I got it all but if anyone spots something I’ve missed lmk (there’s kinda a weird gap between 2018 and future state but that’s just bc he’s just doing other events i think….don’t rmr oopsie)!!! So sorry this was longer than you prob wanted. luckily all in all minus his appearances elsewhere billy’s own comics since 2018 have been pretty linear. the narratives and lore haven’t really been streamlined that well but it’s there lol

[quinnhills]

Good to know you're feeling welcome! :D this is our little place in the internet, and we've decided to make it trans and gay as hell (n i gotta say, i did think "they-them gang! :o" when i found out you started using they/them too a while ago X3 ) n if you received this ask more than once, my tumblr bugged out before i could finish, sorry (。_。)

anyways, and sorry if this is long, but Woe- More Tumblr Things Be Upon Ye:

there used to not be an image limit before, causing a few- interesting posts… tho that changed a few years ago and recently, at first the limit being 10 images per post to now 30 images per post (you can also move the images around a bit)

if you plan on staying long term on tumblr and use desktop the most, i recommend getting the browser extensions Xkit &/or New Xkit cuz… yeah, tumblr is pretty nice, but it sometimes gets hard to use. it also adds extra useful things to the tumblr experience, which is nice to have. i'd say tumblr is like living in a cheap apartment in a calm area of the city. the place's great for what it is, just gotta be sure to leave rat traps near holes and dont worry about the Beast down the hall,

speaking of rats, we got an infestation. you may or may not have heard of it with the voter fraudage going with the polls a bit ago; since tumblr has little to No email verification, people outside tumblr buy bots to get in here and start posting malicious links. tho the bots are surprisingly easy to identify (often times blank blogs with very weird descriptions + stolen picture of lady or ai generated. you'll know it when you see it), and the protocol here is block and report spam so staff can deal with it

and btw if you want to keep a post for as long as your blog stands, i recommend rebloggin! thanks to how tumblr is build as, even if the original post or that blog is gone, the reblog will stay with you (+ tags on reblogs dont really make a post expand outside of your own blog, so many use this to create Very intricate personal tag systems to make easier finding posts, bc once a blog gets 1k+ post in it, it gets hard finding anything on it... <- knows this from experience u.u)

oh and last thing before i go again (and something i found out recently), another browser extension ive been loving: Stylus! with it you can customize a ton of sites to your liking And with a specific style found in the archive of this extension, you can change how the dashboard looks! even changing the background to any image you might want :D

so yeah, thats it, for now. i got more info if you want it, just lmk 👉👈

and you probably already noticed this, but there isnt really any word limit for posts or asks around these lands. tho on tags, the character limit on a single tag is 139. but you can put a Lot of tags, so there! be free mx quinn, no character limit holds you down no more ヽ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ

Thank you so much for the knowledge!

Some Quinn Facts:

Mx., Ms. and Miss are all acceptable :)

I use “gay as hell” as a sort of tongue-in-cheek shorthand, but I also identify as trans as hell, queer as hell, non-binary as hell, lesbian as hell, and anxious/depressive as hell

I’m a vegetarian

My favorite food is pineapple pizza (controversial, I know)

For a few years in the early 2000s, I was a licensed auctioneer

The most times I’ve ever cried during a movie is 5 times during Happiest Season

I like the idea of books, but I’m bad at reading them

Overalls give me gender euphoria, and I don’t know why

I hope to release a solo album within the next year

I hope to direct a feature-length film by the time I’m 40

Coming out was the best thing I ever did

[gamesception]

lets read rgu chapter 12

I’ve been told that this version of Juri is the originally intended version of the character?  And while I don’t think the person who said that was lying or anything, it’s still kind of hard to believe.  Partially because there seems to be a lot of misinformation going around about this series - a lot of folks online seem to think that the manga - the entire manga - came first and the anime was an adaptation from that, which my initial research says is not the case.  Partially because that bit of research also gave me the impression that Ikuhara wasn’t very forthcoming with anyone during the production regarding the overall direction of the story.  I’m not sure I would buy anyone’s account of what the original vision for Utena’s story was “supposed to be” other than Ikuhara, and possibly not even his.

I could easily see how we could go from anime Juri to this - ie, Ikuhara had an idea for the character that he knew would be controversial so he kept it close to his chest and didn’t tell anyone for as long as possible, leaving Saito with a character design but no character that might as well just be slotted in as a romantic rival for Touga’s affections in a manga story that is at least presenting itself more as an Utena/Touga romance.  On the other hand, if manga juri was genuinely the initial intent by everyone, including Ikuhara, from the very beginning, I have a hard time seeing how the pivot from this to anime Juri happened mid production.

I mean, that would take some kind of miracle.

Setting aside other versions of her character - hypothetical or realized - manga Juri is a purely physical threat.  She doesn’t have a compelling motivation to relate to, she doesn’t present a significant thematic challenge to Utena’s worldview or princely ambitions.  She’s just someone who is good at sword fighting - a fact that the still image format of the manga can /tell/ us, but can’t convincingly /show/.  The duel panels are very pretty, but don’t really convey a great sense of danger or difficulty than those with Saionji.  And Juri’s supposed unbeatable fencing skill is pretty significantly undermined when just a couple pages into the fight Utena calls down the power of Dios...

and then Utena just wins. effortlessly.

Another unfortunate thing I’m just now realizing is that with Juri having the one sided crush on Touga and being a bitter and jealous antagonist over it, there’s not much left for Nanami to do when she’s introduced....

only she’s probably not going to be introduced, is she?  I mean, the dissolving dress party prank thing didn’t happen, we haven’t seen or mentioned her yet, the manga probably doesn’t have time for comedy side episodes...  Anime’s best worst girl just doesn’t appear in this comic at all, does she?

Another of my favorite characters missing entirely from this version of the story.

Anyway, Utena tries to ask Touga if he’s the prince who saved her as a child, but can’t quite bring herself to do it.

The next day she’s still distracted thinking about it, throwing off her archery game, though we do get a cute moment of Wakaba cheering her on, so that’s nice.

Afterwords Miki approaches Utena to talk about Juri and Touga.  He feels bad for Juri, and wants to go talk to Touga about it.  sure I guess.

Touga’s dorm is a mansion for some reason.  That’s kind of funny.  I’m not sure why they’re coming here if he’s supposed to still be in the clinic?

They break into Touga’s house using a spare key, and I’m still not sure why, or what they’re doing here.  I mean, I know what Utena’s doing here - she’s snooping around to find out if Touga’s her prince.  Manga Utena is significantly more concerned about that then anime Utena.

Ok, so Miki’s snooping around because he thinks Touga’s up to something and has been in communication with EotW instead of just receiving letters from them.  At least I get what they’re trying to do, though not why he invited Utena on the spying mission.

Utena finda a picture of Touga and Nanami (forshadowing a future character introduction?  Am I wrong about her being completely absent?), mentions how she always wanted a sibling.  Miki starts to open up about whatever the manga version of his deal is when they hear someone else in the building and rush to hide.

A couple pages are out of order in the scan here, which caused a fair bit of confusion, but basically they rush to hide in a cupboard, but it turns out to be a secret door to Touga’s wizard sanctum.

And that’s where the chapter ends.

I don’t know.  It’s hard to be super invested in the rose magic wizard mystery when I feel like I mostly know what’s going on already from having watched the anime - even if there’s more detail on that side of things in the manga, where as the interpersonal character stuff - the stuff that stays compelling to me even if I already know it - is largely absent in this rendition.

I wasn’t expecting to like the manga as much as the anime going in, but even so I’m still pretty disappointed.  It’s not incompetently crafted by any means, it still looks good, and some bits even look better than the anime version, but still.

But hey, maybe they’ll do something with the star signs business, and I’ll be able to make some homestuck jokes?

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

I don't think Layover did great tbh. Terrible on YouTube (including all his MVs, Tiny Desk, and music show performances), underperformed in the biggest music markets, did poorly on k-charts (that debut was abysmal compared to the other members), predicted for less first week albums in the US than D-Day despite an extra version (but waiting on chart). Here’s a chart I’ve seen floating around Twitter that gives a good idea. Probably need to verify some of it, but I think it’s mostly accurate...

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/F6LDbz4bYAADB7M?format=jpg&name=medium

His fanbases started working really hard on his first week Spotify streams when they realized he wasn’t doing great anywhere else, so he ended up with higher first week streams than FACE and LC, but barely, and most of his streams came from SEA (which isn’t a big deal or anything, but a lot of it was definitely from mass streaming farms). He also had a massive day 8 drop and allegedly way lower than day 8 for FACE. And let’s note that Layover has one extra song instead of an interlude too. He’s also higher on some official album charts, but that’s only because FACE wasn’t eligible because it’s an EP. He had much bigger overall album sales, but we were expecting that with vbar. I think they bought like 840k? So over 1/3 of his sales.

Unless I’m missing some achievements or got something wrong (I haven’t kept up with everything), I think it was a pretty meh debut considering all the promo he did and the fact that he’s “the most popular member”. They only have those first week streams, pretty sure. LMA has had good longevity though, so I guess we'll see. And BTW, they’re saying his hot100 performance was hurt because of DC2 sales being gone, which, sure, but he had 50k Slow Dancing CDs to compensate, way more than LC, and they couldn't even completely sell them out. I think his stans were using VPN to buy on iTunes in the US too because a few days in he went from 1 to 44 on iTunes chart with no explanation and never recovered. Curious what his final sales end up being. I'm not saying he did bad, but I don't think it's really anything to brag about either... I haven't seen a ton of objective people talking about it though so idk for sure.

The spreadsheet is killing me hahahs #dedication. I would like to know the missing numbers and positions, tho! Still, thank you.

I knew about kcharts, youtube, albums, and first week on spotify for the album. I saw some number that I assume included his prereleases, and it really is nothing major considering the first tracks released, and the fact that it had one more song than face. Just five minutes ago I saw that on their 8th day, like crazy (combined) had the same number of streams as Taehyung's entire album??

Sidenote: if there's one thing I was forced to learn this year, is how much difference combined versions of a song can make.

I don't think he had that much of international promo, or at least I didn't see it. I know he's been to A LOTTT of korean shows, and also his promo for pre-releases was already longer than Jimin's, but I think he just comes across as a really uninteresting person so I don't know if people would actually tune in to his music, no matter how many times they see him on TV. He definitely got more than Jimin, that's 1000% for sure, even if we consider the MVs alone; he got the same thing Jimin was denied.

I knew he'd get more albums sales, because past experience. And I knew they'd try hard to stream to break some "records", even if it won't hold up for too long. I also knew he doesn't really have many fans in the US, (I still think Jimin's the most popular member there). I've also been saying since the day I opened this blog that his "popularity" is overrated and he's never really been in the same league as Jimin when it comes to music. I blew off so many people here who would come up to me and try to convince me he was competition to Jimin or better than him in some way.

I guess the only thing I'm surprised with is youtube. I got his tiny desk video on my homepage today (saved it to watch later) and it has less than 300k views.......... It's kinda crazy. I wonder if part of the reason he got his visual album was because his youtube numbers were usually better than everyone else's combined and they believed he'd do good.

Oh, and the songs credits. It's unbelievable to me that he did NOTHING on it. People who work on songs get credits even for writing two words, so I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that he didn't do anything at all.

I'm also curious if they would've restocked the digital CD had it been sold out, but my gut tells me they wouldn't have, or it would've been just one more, and a smaller batch.

[reaperkaneki]

ok here are my Thoughts on gin noto

under cut bc it got long lol

first off, he is very strong representation. as in, i think this might be the platonic ideal of a transmasc character. which has its good points and bad.

sweet-p’s arc was rooted in some obviously transphobic jokes/points/etc but at its core, her arc felt well-intentioned and overall she was definitely portrayed as one of the most sympathetic of the musicians (who are antagonists but certainly not outright villains, which the musician route makes abundantly clear). she also is not, like, described as trans per se, mostly as a crossdresser who loves cute things and wishes she were a cute girl (so like, she’s trans) and honestly her arc is about self-image and body dysmorphia in general (weight and age and outside perception are all major factors). and that’s what sets her apart from gin, gin is very much about Gender Dysphoria And Conforming To Societal Gender Roles first and foremost.

unlike sweet-p’s writing, gin’s doesn’t have any overt flaws to point to, which is why i had to mull it over for a while to figure out what was missing, and i think it’s because it is very much aimed at a cis audience. the narrative itself is perfectly fine, it’s the meta-narrative that bothers me.

when gin confesses that irl, he was assigned female at birth and presents as female in his day-to-day life, and asks the player, does this change anything, there is a right answer and a wrong answer. the wrong answer is to tell him that you don’t care what gender he is, it doesn’t change anything at all; gin perceives this as a half-assed, dismissive response said without thinking and becomes upset and it locks you out of the rest of his character episodes. the correct answer is to tell him that you don’t know, you’re not sure. maybe it does change things between the two of you. gin feels that this is a understandable position to take, like, of course it might be a big deal, it certainly feels like a big deal to him!

and yes, to someone who hasn’t encountered a trans person before, that’s probably a reasonable response. to me, specifically, a fellow transmasc person, i think i sorta laughed at this part because, like, the only thing that would change if a coworker or friend or whatever told me that they were actually stealth trans this whole time (and that’s being generous bc gin is Not Slick lmfao the foreshadowing for him being trans is super obvious to anyone who knows) i’d be like cool! love that for you. etc etc. bc transgenderism is Normal to me.

but the game assumes You Are A Cis Person Who Isn’t Sure How To React To Trans People. the game doesn’t let you be trans. there’s not a nonbinary option, despite having a cyborg for an antagonist and, more egregiously, a canonically nonbinary character in your party. (i’d say pronouns, but that’s not quite the same in japanese.) not that i was expecting that to be possible, but it is a clear separation of gameplay and story that hinders roleplay (in an rpg where your character’s backstory is almost completely undefined)!

this is not to say that gin is poorly written. like i said, he’s like the platonic ideal of representation. he’s easy to clock specifically because his experiences ring true; he’s always, always, always overcompensating and posturing “as a man”, he’s trying to conform to his own personal image of “what men do”, “how guy friendships work”, “what guys are interested in”. when asked why he gets along with women so well, he lies and says it’s because he has an, uh, older sister! so he’s spent a lot of time around women! he dresses trendy, but not too fashionably (because that’s feminine, he’s function over form allegedly), and the cut of his clothes is soooo. well. the silhouette is masculinizing, or at least androgynous, let’s say. he even wishes he were taller.

i’m pretty sure i’ve done most of those things. this is writing that either speaks from experience or understands the prompt and has done the goddamn research.

it is, however, very, VERY cool that he actually turns out to Not Be A Man, at least in the sense he’s always wanted to be. REALLY good nonbinary arc that i wish wasn’t constrained to, like, the last two character episodes. it’s the one interesting ‘twist’, and i love that it explains a lot of things about him! when he talks about working as a woman irl and busting his ass in heels, he sounds proud, even as he admits that presenting female always made him uncomfortable. and lo and behold, his catharsis effect sports a pair of gold heels! if he was just a hypermasculine trans man, that would be super uncomfortable, as if it were some sort of transphobic indicator of his ‘true self’ being feminine. but no, it’s because he’s hiding that aspect of himself. he repressed his masculine tendencies to conform to social norms, and then inadvertently did the same to his feminine side, but both are important. he likes the heels.

i also like that he’s bi and acknowledges that his relationships never worked out bc he hadn’t figured out his shit yet. it do be like that sometimes.

unfortunately, i think he’s also kind of boring? like, besides her wanting to be a cute girl, sweet-p had other stuff going on, she had that boke/tsukkomi routine with stork, she had a genuine love for yume-kawaii (whereas while gin has many interests, a not-insignificant part of those interests is male posturing), she was even a musician! i understand that gin’s blandness is On Purpose because he dislikes rocking the boat (but he hates posers, which was a genuinely interesting reaction from him that didn’t feature as strongly in his arc as i wanted. even kiriko comments on it), but doesn’t change the fact that he ain’t weird enough! can’t even be an only sane man bc he goes along with everyone’s bs lol

anyway gin is cool and well-written as a trans character but missing a bit otherwise. i’d still definitely love to hang out and get beef bowls and boba with him :)

[schlagerkopf]

Ableben

On paper, I’m supposed to despise Naftaly Bennett, very much so. But I don’t. I think he’s a solid dude. His external look gives me some kind of chill vibe. He’s got that Cheshire cat look. He’s the type of person I want to dance with, soaked in sweat, in a wedding or a big event.

Maybe it’s not Bennett I should despise, but his manager – the genius who came up with the elections slogan “Something new is happening”. This insanely transmittable slogan that showed on buses and other random places I’ve been and went these last few months has kept reminding me that terrible moment in which I was given the bad news that “something new is happening”.

It happened today exactly one year ago. Friday night, 15th of June 2012. I was 26, two months and four days. Lying on my bed, my old N95 phone from 2007 was stuck to my left ear. My airconditioner was making noises of working, hardly making anything cool – I wasn’t cool in any way, not the situation, not me. On the Friday night news in the living room, my parents were watching the panelists laughing about something, while I was slowly dying in my sinking bed. The room was lit only by the hour on the digital counter on the TV cable transmitter – eternalizing the hour in which love died. I won’t be 100% true if I will argue it is exactly what she said – “something new is happening”. Maybe it was “something is beginning”. Her stream of words continued without pause, her voice sounding as if she is a little unsure, trying not to hurt – but knowing how much it hurts, how much pain it brings about.

“He’s not sleazy, he’s really sweet”.

And then started my elegant pleas for another chance:

“I love you”

“Give love another chance”

“Please”

And the likes.

That also had a pretty built-in response, that was pretty much based around “too little, too late”.

“It’s over Amir, you do not hear how many ‘No’s’ I’m giving you in this conversation”.

Then: “Good luck in the exams”.

That’s it. Alles ist vorbei. I’m left alone, shocked, crying like a baby with my old ass phone, while everyone’s already got smartphone, and she’s probably going to kiss him and do other deeds that I will never ever do again with her in this dimension.

She tapped that long red thingy on iPhones to end the convo. For me it was a simple “END” button. And when they were hit, that’s it, it was over. One year and ten months. 18 months overall. 547 days. And that’s it. A little button is pressed, a little dance of a finger, and we turn from actuality to history. A notable part of two people’s lives has ended. One, as it seems, only wants to forget it. The other, good god, a 26 year old and 4 months man, crying like a baby.

  Yeshayahu Leibowitz was an Israeli public intellectual who said interesting things. On one show in 1994 he was asked if he missed old Israeli politicians, from the age of those who built up and founded Israel. He answered with his special accent that hints he was not born in Israel himself, that he does not understand the question.

“I do not understand the question. What does it mean to miss a person?”

The person who asked the question tried to sharpen, resulting in Leibowitz simply saying:

“All of these – they were right for their hour. And we are dealing in this hour”.

I watched this some sad evening and it lifted me up immensely. Here’s a role model. What is it to miss someone, at all? What good does it do? It helps nothing, it’s not constructive. What was once, was. What matters is now.

If Leibowitz indeed didn’t miss anyone, he was a superhero of sorts, and the strongest one. Superman can fly, yeah, sure, but doesn’t he miss someone? And Spiderman? Doesn’t Batman miss his parents?

Missing is my kryptonite. It makes me weak. Especially when I am in my bed, full of memories and so empty, and especially if it happens in a late-night hour.

Missing is a sort of alchemy. It’s not something real, existing, it’s not something you can touch or smell. Mine is the worst kind of longing. It’s for something that was but isn’t. I believe the Portuguese call it “Saudade”. You can miss your friend but you know you’ll see them next week. And you can miss your lover, knowing you’ll never see them again.

  It’s hard to write about breakups. I wrote her a letter two weeks after the breakup. It was six pages and I’ve included some chocolate and a flower. It didn’t help. Because writing about breakups is futile, in a sense.

It’s hard to write about breakups because seemingly there isn’t much to say. I mean, yeah, ok, there is, but what will I say? It’s a paradox seeing that I’m in the midst of writing a long piece about breakups. It also doesn’t go with the fact that if it weren’t for breakups, most music we would be listening to nowadays would be instrumental. So, let’s agree that there’s a lot to say about breakups but at the same time there isn’t – life is complicated like that. I can say that I am hurting so much but how will I transmit this pain to you, the reader? The longing, the pain, the regret, the heaviness on the chest at 2am, when you wake up from a dream where she still loves you, and you realize reality is here and she doesn’t anymore. She used to, a lot, but no anymore. No more “good morning” text messages.

And what can you say anyway? “Time heals”. “Many fish in the sea”. I spent all of summer 2012 depressed in my room, what a waste. Sleeping on the pillow she bought me for my 25th birthday. A 90s boombox she once found and gifted me on a random morning where we said goodbye with a kiss, five months before she dropped the bomb on me – if to quote the Gap Band.

On the morning of June 5th 2012, after she spent the night over at my place, we just kissed and she got into her car and left to work. It was just another goodbye. How was I to know it was the last one ever? That it’s the last time I ever see her? The last time I see her in a world where she loves me? In a world, in a galaxy, where she has love for me in her loving heart? I thought about this moment for so long, about our last kiss – not knowing it is our last kiss. Maybe she knew already? Just a kiss and she left. I was clueless. Like I always am.

  In university, I studied about Martin Heidegger the philosopher. The professor talked about a word in German named “Ableben”. Like many others in Deutsch, it has many meanings, one of them is “Came to an end.

I see the word as the following: “An idea that came to an end. An idea that died. The idea that was between her and me, love, has come to an end. Suddenly, one side decided it is over, and the other side must deal with that.

And that’s something I learnt about breakups in the sad year that I had since she said the words that ended up meaning “it’s over”. Breakups are TOTAL. That is why they are so hard to accept, why it’s so hard to let go. If you don’t accept the breakup you’re not in tune with reality. But reality doesn’t ask you. It’s a madness, like The Stranglers called it in their song “La Folie”. It’s crazy to think and cry about someone all the time, dedicating all that brain power to someone who, maybe on a good day, dedicates you two neurons. Why don’t you do something better with your time? It’s like dancing on a grave.

And here is the realness of “Ableben”. It’s not like somebody died. It’s an idea that died. It’s so abstract. No more good morning and night texts. No more emails that come in the right time in the middle of the day, filling you with love and hope. No more I love you’s, no more kisses and hugs. This all came to its bitter sad end at a certain moment.

I thought a lot about the moment in which love dies. I understand it’s a long process, stopping to love someone who you love dearly. You don’t stop loving in one second. But it feels like it’s some epiphany, some inner switch that you go to sleep loving Amir and you wake up not loving Amir anymore. And it’s so hard for me to fathom how you can stop loving someone you’ve shared so much with, that you were such close friends and lovers.

And it’s crazier that I lover her still, as I write these lines. Of course, not as strongly as I loved her last year, but I still love her. I’ll always love her, even if I don’t know who she is right now, she’s changed. I can feel closer to the woman in the grocery shop than her. And even though I am mad at her and understand that breakups exist and it’s part of life. I still can’t understand how you do that to someone who you call a friend. I stopped caring about the singing of the birds in the morning, and that’s the greatest loss.

And the memories, my my, the memories. They keep playing. It’s like self-torture. Some streets I won’t dare walk through in Tel-Aviv. The bench from August 2010 here we kissed on our first date. When something new was happening and nothing was ending. I still miss her and who she is and what we were. Our long hugs every time we met. And I regret my actions that led her to another’s arms. And still I bite my lips whenever I pass by that garden where we shared our first kiss and look at the empty bench and grass and try to understand that feeling that is so amorphic, knowing that something is dead and that something else, new, has begun, and that new thing is the most beautiful thing in the world but you’re not part of it, you’re dead in the water; for me the new thing died, and I continue staring at the “Game Over” screen.

[age-of-moonknight]

hi! hope you're doing well. i got a question for you about the what if with marc's funeral, if that's okay, and please let me know if i'm missing the mark or overstepping in any way. as a jewish guy, seeing a non-jewish funeral kinda felt bad to me. like marc was already buried, no one who loved him or knew him participated in the burial, and yes the heroes wore their gear instead of traditional mourning clothing, but putting a star of david on the tombstone felt like an afterthought. marlene's 'may your memory be a blessing' was nice, seeing gena and the kids and crawly was like yes those are his people! but overall idk the setup and eulogy wasn't working for me. tldr my question is, what's your take on marc's funeral?

Hey! Thanks for stopping by! I guess before I say anything I should preface this by mentioning that I’m honestly just some dude on the internet and I really shouldn’t be considered an authority on anything. I’ve just read an unfortunately large number of comics and while I do dedicate a lot of time to learning as much as I can about anything, I definitely shouldn’t be considered an expert on matters as richly complex and integral to people’s very identities as religion or culture. In other words, I definitely appreciate you starting this conversation, but I really can’t offer anything more than a personal opinion that everyone should just take with a grain of salt.

But!!! thank you for sending this message, because, yeah, I realize that sometimes I can get so swept up in any writer even acknowledging that Marc is Jewish that I forget that, “oh yeah, this could be better and we should be well past the age where we had to hope for even the barest crumbs of representation.”

Accordingly, I fully see where you’re coming from and you’re probably right in that there was more the writer could have done. Even as I write that though, I can already hear the long list of excuses that could be made by devil’s advocates about why Marc’s funeral in What If…? Dark: Moon Knight was presented as it was. Most probably could be pretty easily refuted by anyone that wants better from the comic industry, but, hey, that’s comics: they thrive on intense, impassioned reader discussion and can somehow be ahead of their time in terms of cultural sensitivity AND painfully slow in breaking out of some really poor ways of depicting cultures, races, and religions.

[Putting in a read more because this got a little long (sorry all, mea culpa)]

But yeah, some of those excuses I can imagine include, first among them, space limitations. The creators had one page to depict the funeral in the single issue allotted to telling Marlene’s story of becoming Luminary. People could easily say something offhand and questionable like, “oh yeah, Marc’s mom sat shiva, but it all happened off panel,” but that explanation always feels a little cheap to me, as I know for fact that comic artists can get very creative with how they format a page to include critical information, but, eh, there it is.

Some people in these situations sometimes bring up the point that authors that share a background with the characters they depict can approach matters with a good understanding of what’s appropriate/significant. I can see the validity of that approach, but from the (admittedly brief) research I did, I haven’t found any conclusive statements on the writer’s background at least and I personally would rather not make any assumptions/speculations. (Again, that’s strictly a personal thing, because in my line of work, I come across a lot of bad actors who, from their perspective, “““accuse””” people of being certain races or ethnic backgrounds and I am,,,,very tired). Plus, that’s not necessarily a cure all, at least that’s what I’ve gathered from the heated debates on Bemis’ Moon Knight run that I still stumble upon on occasion.

The next thing that comes to mind, well, I don’t want to sound like I’m entirely absolving the creators since, sure, they probably could have done more, but I’m so used to grappling with the bad hands comic books deal me, that sometimes I propose what I guess could be referred to as Watsonian interpretations??? Like, yeah, this was ultimately written like this because creators are flawed, but I cope by trying to puzzle out in-universe explanations. In this case, I see this as potentially being some sort of hazy, not quite well constructed, reflection of Marc’s complex relationship with his background that characterized his adult life. Elias Spector, who frequently represents Marc’s connection to his past and how he wrestles with really complex questions of religion and identity, is dead by this point of time in both of Marc’s established origins, and while I am sure the organizers of Marc’s funeral, like Marlene and Frenchie, fully and deeply loved him, I’m just not sure if Marc ever communicated to them what they should specifically do for his funeral (fully traditional or as small/nondescript as possible if he even thought he deserved/would get a funeral), as enigmatic and….not always forthcoming in discussing such matters Marc circa Marc Spector: Moon Knight was, so they did their best.

But gosh, even as I write that out, that’s such a load of copium. I’ll admit that my fondness for the comic book genre results in me desperately trying to hammer something worthwhile out of sometimes (or frequently????) mediocre material, so thanks again for sharing your thoughts! You are well and away within your rights to not be satisfied with how the matter was handled and I know I thoroughly appreciate your critical eye. Arguably, it is only by such a capacity for critique that the industry will ever shake off some of its worst aspects that still haunt it and evolve into something really consistently worthwhile.