#for all 5 of us who care
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I can finally post this, after weeks!
But yeah, this here is something I made to celebrate the 9th anniversary of Evoland 2
Some people may remember this work in progress from weeks ago, but now I can finally show the finished product. Which I finished 2 weeks ago
It’s based on the 3D picture you get when you finish the game, specially the 100% completion, and more specifically, my screenshot that I took when I first completed the game and got 100%

Though I should probably also note that this was the only picture I had of the beach scene until I was mostly done with the picture, so there are some inaccuracies between it and the original. Except for Reno in place of the Prophet, that was completely intentional
This game was I think the first (and will probably be the only) game I’ve ever 100% completed, and when I did it the first time, it was just because I knew that games would have extra things for those who 100% it, and I wanted to see what the game would give me. It’s the only time I was so invested in a game that I had to know what I’d get if I got everything. It’s also the only game where losing nearly 10 hours of progress due to a (maybe) glitch does not make me give up the game in frustration, but instead complete the entire thing within a single school week
I may gripe about my issues with the game, but I absolutely love it, and I have a lot of fun playing it. Well, aside from the parts I’m bad at, but that’s just because I’m bad at them. I feel like I have next to nothing to complain about from a gameplay perspective (which is in part because I don’t know how to critique gameplay, but also because I think any issues I have are my own fault), it’s just narrative stuff. And even then, I wouldn’t nitpick it so much if I wasn’t so invested in the world, story and characters
Maybe today I’ll start replaying it again, seeing how I’m pretty sure I’m free today from any schoolwork
I’m still holding on to some admittedly delusional hope that a 3rd game could release one day, even if I know it’ll almost certainly have nothing to do with this one, but even if it never does, I’ll still have this game to play over and over again, so I can accept it
I was disappointed that I missed the last two, since I first played the game in 2022, but not this year, I remembered!
Now to just talk about the art itself, the reason there’s two versions is because I originally made the background lineless, but after finishing the characters I thought it maybe clashed a bit too much, so I made a duplicate of the picture to do a lined version. But I also spent so long on the lineless version that I didn’t want to just leave it in the void, so I’m showing it too
Admittedly now I think I can say the lined version probably is the better one, but I can still show off both
I used the card colors for the characters, since all of them have cards for reference, but now I’m looking at the colors and thinking they look somewhat wrong. At least on Menos
Also as mentioned prior, I switched out the Prophet for Reno. I know I’m biased but I really think he’d fit in this picture of all the main characters far more than the Prophet, considering he’s kind of the reason the plot started, the second half happened, and he’s the main motivation for one of our party members. I mean, I see why the Prophet’s there in the original. He’s really the only other semi-important character with a 3D model, and Reno never had one, so they’d have to make an entirely new one just for this extra thing. Also it doesn’t make sense for him to have a 3D model in the first place, especially not of his Present era self. But not only is this now a drawing where I have the power to do what I want, this scene isn’t canon in the first place, so put Reno in the background there!
Overall though, I’m honestly surprised the piece turned out as good as it did. Those who follow me know that I was really struggling with drawing during the summer, more specifically drawing people and the Evoland 2 cast. But despite all that, I think the characters turned out pretty well. Certainly not the best, but better than I was expecting. And not only that, but the background turned out so much better than I thought it would, especially since I don’t usually do backgrounds. Though I suppose it does help to have a reference for all this though. But yeah, there was a reason I was so proud of how the sketch turned out, and while the final product may not have entirely been what I was hoping for after the sketch, it still turned out pretty good
As long as I can remember it next year (which I really hope I can, considering that’s the 10th anniversary), I’ll try to make something there too, hopefully with much improved drawing skills, since I’m still trying to figure all that out again still
Not sure what I’ll draw then. Maybe I could redraw the beach scene, or make an entirely new beach scene concocted by my brain. But it’s also the 10th anniversary next year, so maybe it should be something more special
Ah well, that’s next year’s problem. For now, have this to celebrate the game’s anniversary. For the minuscule amount of people who actually play this game, I guess
#I’ve slightly started to doubt if today is the actual anniversary#that’s what Google tells me the original release date was#but if I’m wrong I will never know peace#probably the incorrect phrase but I can’t figure out what it’s supposed to be otherwise#but yeah Evoland 2 anniversary#for all 5 of us who care#evoland 2#my art#anniversary art#evoland kuro#evoland fina#evoland menos#evoland velvet#evoland ceres#evoland reno
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#pkmnart#trainer rika#Pokemon rika#elite four rika#I only know the tags the protags use but who cares she’s the only subject so I can’t put them all in the under. 5#rika#my art
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I absolutely genuinely hate apple and their horrible fucking products with every fiber of my pathetic being unfortunately I have been cursed to be a procreate user. I hate my stupid baka life. Kill me.
#Ipad fuckinnngg BROKE AGAINN! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I DONT EVEN CARE IT’S ONLY MY JOB AND PASSION ON THERE WHO CARESSSSSSSSAA#SUCK MY DICK STEVEN JOBS#AND THEN KILL YOURSELF#Sorry to anyone who’s commissioned me I use apple products which should cost literally 5 dollars and be sold on fucking temu#Or some uncles backyard junk sale#For how JANKY AND SHITTY they are#LOL LOL LOL IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE I’M ANGRY AND STRESSED#AND I DON’T KNOW WHATS GOING ON AT ALL
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// oc deep dive.
tagged by; @aztarion and @devilbrakers, thank you so much!!
tagging; @mojaves, @deadrlngers, @ordinarymaine, @claudiawolf, @adelaidedrubman and YOU!
What common/uncommon fear do they have?
Nathan has a lot of fears stemming from his paranoia. Tangible ones such as getting captured or killed by MOBIUS, his friends walking away from him, or someone following him home; as well as more unrealistic ones, such as somehow ending up back in STEM, or getting stuck in a time loop, or a giant sinkhole all the way to the core of the earth opening up right at his feet.
It also happens often enough that certain actions don’t necessarily scare him, but make him uncomfortable or highly on edge (often with good reason); think of someone locking the door of the room he’s in– especially when it’s just them two– or getting too close without warning. He often fears people he gets too close to will end up treating him like the Administrator did, which is why it takes a while for him to let Sebastian get any closer physically, despite warming up to him relatively fast.
A more uncommon fear he has is waking up one morning and having lost one of his senses or his ability to speak. Aside from the mental erosion that had become a growing issue among Union citizens, MOBIUS observed a similar kind of process in its agents who regularly jumped in and out of STEM for general maintenance and the like– presumably caused by the constant changes in brain activity, which more than often led to exactly what Nathan’s fear mentioned above describes. While he was among the agents who worked both in and outside of STEM on the Union environment, he was lucky enough to never suffer the consequences.
Lastly, he is deadly afraid of Anima. Despite not having shown any other symptom of succumbing to the STEM domination process, Nathan would have started seeing her around sometime before Lily vanished– presumably got her attention after some of his escapades in the secret labs in the Marrow– and he has not been able to sleep soundly in STEM ever since. While his fear of her mostly acts up when he’s in a STEM environment, it definitely translates over to the real world as well; during bad mental health episodes he has auditory hallucinations of her, and she makes regular appearances in his nightmares too.
Do they have any pet peeves?
When people are too passive. Nathan can’t stand it when he’s expected to initiate everything, from conversations to taking action, both in a work context (scheduling meetings, deploying new code) as well as personal context (scheduling to hang out, doing household chores). He also doesn’t like having to constantly ask people to do what they’re supposed to do– though this irritation more than often extends a little too far, to things he is expecting of people but never told them about.
Loud and unexpected noises, especially when done on purpose. Fireworks would be a great example of this, and they piss Nathan off no end. He gets snippy when people raise their voice at him for no reason, or when they keep banging their fist on a surface to get others’ attention.
Getting cut off in traffic. Nathan’s road rage is easily awakened and he can get a little drastic with it. His reflexes are fast enough to brake on time to avoid ending up in someone’s trunk, but will in that same breath speed right back up to crash into them on purpose as revenge for pissing him off.
What are three items you can find in their bedroom?
A large ring binder full of old code snippets, notes from various projects he worked on back at MOBIUS, and all his research ranging from neuroscience all the way to electrical engineering. Nathan is a little old-school in that regard– he’d much rather have all his research physically with him than save it all to some online storage platform and risk losing it like that.
A jigsaw puzzle, made entirely out of different pieces that he’s collected over the years (stolen from others’ puzzles, found in various locations, stolen directly from the store, etc). The full piece would total up to nearly 2000 pieces, though it is still missing a large chunk in the center; the result is an abstract piece containing mostly darker colors, though with various bursts of color scattered around like flowers in a field. Nathan isn’t the artistic type, but the project keeps him busy and he considers it a type of self-expression.
The knife he killed his parents with when he was sixteen years old. He’s not entirely sure why he kept it all those years– perhaps to remind himself what got him to where he is now, or because it’s the only thing he still has from that time of his life. Either way, it’s kept safe in the top drawer of his nightstand, easy enough to reach in case someone breaks into his apartment.
What do they notice first in a person?
First: State of mind, overall mood. How approachable do they look; can he afford to lower his guard or does he need to tread with caution, can he get close without worrying about a knife to the stomach or should he keep his distance? Nathan rarely shows immediate interest in someone’s overall personality, he would rather want to know which of their emotions he’s gonna have to deal with during their interaction(s).
Second: Body language. Ties in with the first thing mentioned– cautiously watching for threats, waiting to see if they make a move to touch (or harm) him so he can step out of their range. But it also extends a little further; Nathan tends to mimic others’ body language in conversation to make himself appear more approachable. If someone gestures a lot, he will do the same.
Third: Their smile, if relevant. Smiling is an eye-catching action to him, since he’s not one to quickly do so himself. It’s attractive to him; if someone smiles at him, you’ll be able to catch him staring.
Fourth: Scars, and other (skin) details. Nathan isn’t one to ask about them, of course– but they’ll catch his attention anyway, for a brief moment, since some of them already tell a story on their own even without words.
Fifth: Nervous tics, if relevant. By this point he’s been in conversation long enough to pick up on the little details– a slight thrill or shakiness to their voice, a thumb running over the side of their index finger, a nose twitch. In some cases it eases his mind, knowing the other person isn’t confident in their conversation either; in other cases it sets off alarms in his mind, and makes him wonder if there’s more going on than what they’re showing or telling him.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance?
Physically: 7. While he doesn’t quite look like it, Nathan can take a hit or two. Most of his injuries happen in STEM– though with the way the technology works, the pain is very much real, and in some cases the scars are lasting even in the real world despite the damage having been sustained in STEM. To an extent, Nathan even enjoys the pain; it’s grounding for him, and keeps him from dissociating. When it gets too much to handle he simply drinks it away.
Mentally: 10. Nathan’s life has been a constant downward spiral; sent to a youth detention center after being wrongfully accused of killing his younger sister, and he was bullied relentlessly there, which continued until long after his release both at school and at home. At MOBIUS, he was required to work shifts in their HQ as well as in the Marrow, in the Union STEM environment– he was required to be mentally strong, or he would have already started suffering from mental erosion by long-term STEM exposure after his first few trips in. It takes a lot to break him (or so he likes to believe).
Emotionally: 4. Once you get past all the barriers, Nathan is pretty sensitive. He doesn’t deal well with rejection or misunderstanding, and is prone to assuming things are all his fault the second something goes wrong. It’s easy to upset him, though he won’t easily show; but the damage often takes a while to repair.
Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure? (Or freeze or fawn?)
Fight, more than often; though it may appear as flight at first, since Nathan’s favored combat approach is stealth and he will always find cover before doing anything rash. In certain cases, however, he would be more likely to freeze; especially anything related to Anima or an enemy type like her, where fighting is out of the question, and he knows that a single wrong move can mean his demise.
It translates to non-combat situations too– often willing to talk to people but his initial response is to get defensive and close himself off, and if not given a moment to regain himself it can lead to either fighting or freezing; biting back with similar ferocity or shutting down altogether, unable to pick up his rational train of thought in the heat of the moment.
It really depends on the type of confrontation, though; taking his own state of mind and who else is involved into consideration. He’s known to fawn when a situation starts feeling a little too familiar– generally surrounding the abuse he suffered from partially his parents, but mostly the Administrator.
What animal represents them best?
Wolf; bordering on dog motif, but cautiously so, requiring infinite patience and understanding to win his trust. Nathan is loyal and guarding to those he cares about, but he values his freedom– his choices and decisions are his and his alone, and anyone who tries to take that away from him will suffer the necessary consequences.
How would a stranger likely describe them?
Curious, above anything else. Distant, reserved; surprisingly well-spoken, almost technical in his interactions with others as if the whole conversation is pre-programmed in his mind. Nathan isn’t necessarily cold towards others, but people would also not be quick to describe him as kind; though there is a certain warmth to the way he speaks and looks at people, despite the fact he very rarely smiles and isn’t one to quickly compliment someone else.
Appearance-wise, people tend to notice the white strands in his black hair first. They’re clustered at the front of his head, and match with the white hairs in his left eyebrow and the white eyelashes in the outer corner of his left eye. Nathan has very pale and rough skin, patchy but dark facial hair covering up most of his acne (/scarring); and part of the skin around his left eyebrow is lacking pigment, though it’s a little hard to see. He has very pale and bright blue eyes, which can be a little unnerving when staring at them for too long. Many people cannot maintain eye contact with him for very long.
Do they have any hobbies?
Nathan’s career is directly intertwined with his hobbies, and he enjoys working on code even long after cutting ties with MOBIUS. Software development, application optimization– his laptop runs on an operating system that he coded entirely himself, and whenever he has some time to spare he can be found tweaking and optimizing it and adding new features.
To no one’s surprise, he’s a gamer. Shooters, roguelikes, survival horror– he does not play all too often as his schedule often doesn’t allow for it, but he generally doesn’t have a hard time playing on higher difficulties and enjoys the challenge. Nathan has tried his hand at game design and development too, but stopped quickly when he found it too similar to developing the Union environment in STEM.
And last, surprisingly, would be writing. Journaling, some sort of attempt at poetry, or articles he would want to send in to some website or appropriate magazine but never does– a lot of Nathan’s writing is for his eyes alone, but it helps as an outlet, it keeps him grounded. For a while after leaving MOBIUS, he worked on writing tech manuals for various employers to earn some extra cash, which also ties directly into his interests.
#tag games#ask:nathan#using his full name in the banner to fill up all the empty space but it feels so funny like no one calls him that. no one calls him that#idk who's already done this i'm very out of the loop but hi =] until tumblr fixes itself my brain will only let me tag 5 people#in stuff like this so if you see this and i haven't tagged you. you are tagged now. i am tagging you in my mind palace#anyway hi =] i love nathan he is a little bit of a freak a little bit of a weirdo but that's part of his charm#possibly autistic but he's got a job so he doesn't really care about that right now#to me nathan is the same sort of oc flavor as vitali is but it's hard to explain. they both carry this energy around that makes them#fit very well in one specific environment if that makes sense?? vitali being a corpo boy nathan being lead STEM developer#and to then see them outside of that environment kind of makes them feel out of place in a very similar way as#how they themselves feel a little alienated from the rest of the world#taught to do what they do and when expected to function outside of that reality and mingle with the crowds#they don't really know what to do with themselves etc etc. does that make sense. i hope it does#either way. for nathan it really shows in how he struggles connecting with his friends and why he ends up#latching on to ruben so much once he allows him to move in with him. there's SO many parallels between them#and ruben is also a guy who grew up dedicating his life to one thing only and now he doesn't know what else there is for him#that's why they work so well together... both struggling to find purpose and connection. you know what i mean#ok i've said enough now but just know i could easily write an essay or two about this guy
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@malkaleh : Mairon in Eregion for the crafting of the elven rings. I've fudged the time line a little so that Galadriel doesnt discover the truth about Halbrand till after the rings are made. Warning for Mairon being the usual levels of possessive , though at the moment it stays mostly in the privacy of his own mind. Also brief misinterpretation of Celebrimbor and Mirdania's relationship
The elven rings are finished, and Mairon is a little....something, about how little he was needed. He had planned a whole series of hints and nudges, instructions couched in suggestions that it would not be unreasonable for "Halbrand" to think of. But beyond the first push- the suggestion of alloys- Mairon was not needed. Fëonor's grandson had moved, as quick and confident as a river travelling from source to sea. And Mairon ought to be angry. He had intended, by Halbrand's helpful intersections, to worm a thread of himself into the jewellry- to ensnare the elves in a net they would not see drawing about them until it was far, far too late. But Fëonor's grandson- though he had talked Mairon (well, Halbrand, and the elven apprentices that clung about the Lord of Eregion as wasps to a pot of jam) through the lightning strokes of his process, asked for their thoughts and their conclusions, praised their insights, corrected their misteps with a gentle ferreting out of where their thought process had led them astray and helping them to learn, to improve, to flourish in their understanding-
He teaches like Aulë. He shines with the same joy of it. The realisation steals upon him, quite incongruously, in a blink of Mairon's eye. In the same moment, the Lord of Eregion ceases to be Fëonor's grandson, a means to Mairon's own ends, but Celebrimbor- a jewel as brilliant as the Simirils themselves in his own right.
And so the...something that he feels, when the rings are finished, with Celebrimbor allowing no hand but his own to do the actual crafting and therefore ruining Mairon's back up plan of simply dashing a little of his blood into the workings of Celebrimbor's own magics- the something is....joy. Against all expectation, he has found, here, someone else who understands the beauty, the majesty, the order of creation exactly as Mairon does.
There is a feast to celebrate, in the aftermath, and Mairon indulges in the opportunity to speak with Melian's decedant- as fair as she was, though more shy- he demures at Halbrand's good natured questions and is drawn away, by a group of chittering, elfling brats who will not allow him peace, to speak nonsense of trolls and dwarf princes-
But there is Galadriel, his shining lady of light- she who would make a king of him. He will make a queen of her, in time, he thinks- asking her for a dance, and she takes his hand, but there is- something. She is reserved- distanced- troubled by something...her perceived duty, Mairon supposes, and Halbrand says -"I wager you think this a waste of time. You would be off as soon as possible, to carry the rings to your people?" He twirls her beneath his arm, and her face , as she turns back towards him, is a careful frown.
"Not quite," she says. "There is something yet I must attend to."
She excuses herself soon after. Mairon will have her high King's precious head, he who threw her away and now works her so that she cannot indulge even in a moment's triumph.
He looks around for Celebrimbor and-
Cannot see him.
When it becomes clear that the smith is not at his own feast, Halbrand makes for the forge. He wonders if, perhaps, Celebrimbor is more like Fëonor than Mairon has yet perceived- alike him in temperament as well as in skill. If he is sitting with his treasures, staring at the three, growing ever more reluctant to part with them- then maybe, Mairon's hopes of divisions amongst the elves may yet bear fruit- another civil war, another kinslaying-
Celebrimbor is in the forge. He is not hoarding his rings. He is stretched out on the plush sofa that stands there, his head in the lap of one of his apprentices- Mirdania, is her name. There is a plate of food, half picked at, left to one side on the floor; she has a book balanced open on the sofa's arm. She reads. Celebrimbor sleeps, his head on her lap, his face lined with hitherto unnoticed exhaustion. It is a private, domestic scene.
Marion burns with jealousy.
The she-elf looks up and smiles at his approach. "Halbrand," she says softly. "Welcome." She must see something in the way his eyes flit between her and her sleeping lord, because she smiles with wry fondness.
"Every time," she says. "He will arrange a celebration to mark the success of a large product- then delay his attendance with finishing notes, and cleaning up, and then when everything is finally done the lack of rest hits him and he will fall asleep wherever he happens to he standing when it comes. Last time we found him curled up on the anvil. But this has been-" something flitters across her face; she seems to struggle to find the words. "A lot," she says finally, and behind Halbrand's polite attention, Marion scoffs at the girl's inadequacy. "I was worried he might fall somewhere before the forge was made safe. So i brought him food and bade him sit."
She bade him. Marion burns
Halbrand affects a smile and a raising eyebrow. "Are you and he....?"
The elf frowns, and then- a quick progression of horror, amsuement- she is half gasping with shock, half laughing, as she says: "No- Valar no, Halbrand-" She wrests control of her idiotic mirth and says: "I have not parents. Kind were the elves who raised me, but they had many such charges, and often I escaped their watch to where I willed. And often did the Lord of Eregion find me on wanderings of his own. He treated me then with all the kindness of an indulgent uncle towards a favourite neice- and the remembering of it still grants me certain privileges now I am grown. Please, return to the feast-your friend is in good hands and will be upset if he thinks both of us missed it for care of him"
She speaks so casually of it- Celebrimbor's favour; boasts of what rights it gives her. And what is her thanks to him? A plate of scraps- she does not even steer him to his own bed that he might rest in comfort. And it is clear from the way she returns to her book that she is dismissing him- she, dismissing him- he who-
Mairon leaves, lest he turn his jewel's pillow to ash beneath his head.
#au: golden cage#rings of power#sauron#Celebrimbor#mirdania when she works out what Halbrand is implying: EW NO THATS MY DAD#other people: know how to care for Celebrimbor better than Mairon. Mairon: HOW DARE THEY I WANT THEM DEAD#celebrimbor's bed is used to store all the robes he got sooty and now cant wear to the Thing the lord of eregion is meant to be at in 5 min#yoi cannot convince me otherwise. forge sofa is for sleep; bed is for dump all the things he doesnt currently want cluttering the desk#(bedroom desk is for when he really *cannot* afford to be distracted or *really* doesnt want to be disturbed*)#...apparently i have ThoughtsTM about Celebrimbor and furniture#anyway Mairon is about to walk in to Galadriel who knows hes a lying liar who lies
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Got done a physical sketch while back in CO for my husband's surgery and SHE called to me.
#okami#amaterasu#oh Amaterasu god of all that is good#and mother to us all#you have awaken me#to do fanart. Nice.#Gonna draw Issun drawing women cause he's my favorite kind of little jerk protagonist#little baby who is like “Noooo i don't care about you and the good of the world i just wanna steal the 13 celestial brush strokes for myself#and oogle women“ but then he actually has a heart that is too big for him#final note but i finally beat Okami and I did a cry during that final everyone cheers section#I don't care how predictable it is and how many times I've seen it done from Persona 5 to Okami to Hi-Fi Rush but if you show all the l#friends I've made along the way cheering for me to win I'm gonna get a people emotional it's so sweet
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shout out to this movie for teaching me how to spell words that i've never found the opportunity to use in real life lol
#i hope it's very obvious that the jump rope is in the shape of the letter 'B'#also i attended an all black school when this movie went to theaters#so you Better Believe that every black girl there around my age knew how to spell p-r-e-s-t-i-d-i-g-i-t-a-t-i-o-n. 'prestidigitation'#(that's correct!)#akeelah and the bee#is perhaps a top 3 iconic keke palmer movie and i can still probably recite a Ton of scenes from this movie#tho i will say it Got Old being a black girl who wore glasses and being called 'akeelah' when this movie came out lol#my art#artists on tumblr#keke palmer#the anatomy may be wonky. but i don't even care anymore! i had like more than 5 potential jump rope poses that looked even worse than this#this was as good as it got (and i used a reference from Another classic keke palmer movie- jump in!)#huh. if i had a nickel for every time keke palmer starred in a movie with a spotlight on black youth culture and jumping rope#i'd have 2 nickels. which isn't a lot but it's pretty funny
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chat my hair is so goddamn soft what the fuck
#she got told off today by her friend for almost calling us all chat#after calling us “gang”#and now it’s my personal missions to just say chat every 5 seconds#who cares if she knows or not#it still feels meaningful 🥲#woah im actually original
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I don’t really talk about it much on here because I’m extremely lucky to be able to understand exactly what’s going on in my body, but it’s scary to live for years as someone who Gets Things Done in a way your peers don’t really understand, be putting effort into so many things you care about, and then suddenly lose the ability to do not only that but also basic tasks overnight after a deadline, and bit by bit after many. it’s scary getting really irritable sometimes to the point of violence, just when you were meant to be celebrating the rewards from your hard work, the only impact of the work you did that you can see is that you overdrafted your ability to do anything. including have a basic conversation without getting grumpy or crying. and your body is going to make you pay it back with interest, you already know that, but you don’t know how to start filling yourself back up. you’ve only ever enjoyed being on the grind, hard at work on exciting things.
I don’t know how many of you have been through the kind of burnout that’s years of needing 12hrs of sleep a night but with terrible insomnia, waking up to what feels like a hangover for weeks on end with little relief then rinse and repeat without having a single drink, feeling too sick to eat and needing to exercise to emotionally regulate but being unable to, anxiety that doesn’t come from worry but you’ll pick that up too at some point, dissociating every time you try to do mentally taxing tasks that you’re PAID for so it takes an hour of grounding yourself just to get five minutes worth of productive concentration, falling asleep the minute you feel a little safe by being in the presence of loved ones. but I suspect I’m not the only one.
I’ve had songs for the energetic and angsty times leading up to this. for the exasperated times and the brain fog and the times where all my limited energy is tied up in feeling things. that I need to, need to acknowledge, but it’s overwhelming and I live in a haze for weeks as a result of. songs telling of the kind of youth I wish I had, even when I was sold something else. songs for the months spent as a teenager trying to be there for my friends, worrying for them, distracting me from worrying for myself, trying to cling on to positivity and hope amongst it when I had to choose to make a discipline of always seeing that. I’ve had songs for healing and when healing is harder than expected and songs that have the right level of musical complexity to capture the layers of everything that’s happening in my head, making it sound good, telling me it’s gonna be okay.
I don’t know how I could ever say thank you for this. but I do know that I see parts of myself in the people behind these songs, of course I do, and I worry for them as a result and ache for them because it’s hard enough to feel this way when no one knows me or feels the need to control me or mould me into what they think I should be. I’d do anything to keep them all healthy and happy and all of their loved ones too and I don’t think it’s strange as a fan to take that seriously. I hope we can understand the need to treat them gently, and to while not questioning their privacy and the fact that they’re never going to tell us everything they go through, listen to our intuition when we catch something we relate to and treat what they’ve shared with us or hinted at with the dignity we would if someone we love told us something vulnerable. be kind in our expectations and be intentional in the fan culture we create because it does make its way back to them.
and the same goes with all of you. we’re bonding over the same things. I know a lot of this fandom is in the stage where interpersonal relationships are hard. we don’t mean to be grumpy of frustrated but we are. and I’m sending love to all of you. we can get through this together. it’s what they’ve always longed for isn’t it?
#thoughts after how worried I’ve been recently. since june I think#I’d love to start a conversation in this fandom about the connection im newly discovering between burnout and mental illness and fatigue#in a way we can be positive about these things and be there for each other without calling anyone to confirm if we interpret some songs#to represent experiences that may or may not be theirs because it doesn’t matter in the end. we have these songs and if you get it you get#we’ve all been clocked as ‘not feeling very well’ recently anyway so. it doesn’t need to be specific. but we do need to be kind#like hey. artist. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through to have written these songs that mean this to me. but I’m here for you#fill in the blanks. all we’ve got are our stories to share. I hope mine helps us understand and be a little kinder to those who need it#without thinking we can judge who we think needs it. but rather default to kindness and in the case of musicians etc that means patience#it means we learn together. what it means to connect and have boundaries and the boundaries they might like to have#anyway I’ve not said who these songs are by so if you reblog and wanna tag another artist that’s g I’ve got a few by several others as well#but I know this fandom. I know this band and I know exactly why I worry for each band member though I’m not gonna say here. just. take care#5 seconds of summer#5sos#luke hemmings#ashton irwin#calum hood#michael clifford#exact experience of burnout I have talked about is that of someone with adhd and a pda profile and some form of bipolar#which may be a product of pda profile things or not. these aren’t the only diagnoses I’d likely fit but they are the ones that explain the#story and have guided me to understand how to recover and I’m doing that bit by bit. and if you want me to tell you how please ask#but I’m not advertising it cause that’s weird I’d sound like a scammer if I did. even if when I’m hypomanic I think I can heal everyone
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sometimes i remember the hunger games and how nobody actually paid attention to what was in those books
#americans close your eyes and ears right now#i'm well aware that my political takes are way too spicy for you all#and i really do wish my media diet didn't contain so much us-centric shit#but alas we're all suffering here#and i could say that 'oh actually it does matter who your president is for us in the world'#but it doesn't. it really fucking doesn't. that's kind of the point.#oh i'm sorry my spicy takes are already starting#anyway it is wild that you all can understand katniss assassinating coin at the end of mockingjay#but get super upsetty that chappell roan won't support your favorite presidential candidate with her full chest#like come on none of you actually thought that her using the phrase both sides meant that she was a republican or even a centrist#that's just copium#you all knew exactly what she meant#but i guess encouraging people to think critically and get involved with their local elections and politics as well is... bad now?#also... why do you all care so much about a random pop star's opinion and whether or not she dares to criticize a government#like... she's right but i'm sure 5 years from now if she survives in the limelight her edges will be completely chipped away#by all this insane reaction#and before anyone comes for me... no i'm not saying you shouldn't vote. please fucking do.#neither am i saying you shouldn't vote strategically or encourage other people to do so#but if all your energy is spent policing people who criticize your chosen party because of their own principles#then there's something seriously wrong with your politics#and all you're signalling is that you truly do not fucking care about the issues that they care about#if anything..... you RESENT them#and then the same people bring up the parable of the 'unjust man'#or how it's never the right time to talk about gun violence in your country#harm reduction is all good and based but attacking people who are leveraging their support to push your party left#is not. it's not even fucking helpful#anyway. don't base your lives and politics around pop stars.#even if they are more based than you 🤷#i think i'm done now thank you tumblr for letting me have insane rants in my tags that hopefully no one reads#idk i just find this all depressing. i wish you all cared more about the world outside of your bubble. i wish we all did - myself included.
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My family actually believes that physicians and MEs were paid off to inflate covid deaths 🫠
#merry fucking christmas#this’ll be fun#I mean like jesus fucking christ how do you believe that#it’s not even plausible if you think about it for half a second#and they don’t believe me when I tell them otherwise#and then they get mad at me when I say they don’t respect my profession#but they don’t!!!#if you think we’re all lying bought off frauds then you don’t respect us!!!#and by extension me!#anyway this holiday is gonma be super fun#who doesn’t love a 5 v 1 argument#where no one else cares about facts#my content#my text posts
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my favorite thing about bt is when there's an opportunity for buck and t to have a deeper connection, but then t just shuts it down. like, go girl, give us nothing!!!!
#like outside of 7x04...have they had an actual conversation that didnt exclusively consist of sex or t being dismissive#ig you could argue their date scene#well both date scenes but come on the first one was like so bad#yeah they had a nice (im using that term very loosely) little conversation about coming out but then t made that closet joke and left buck#like okay listen its not tha big of a deal but it is!!!#how can you seriously sit there and be like oh yeah i was lying to myself about being gay because i was scared#and then when the (newly bi) man youre on a date with kinda freaks when faced with coming out not on his own terms youre surprised???#come on#be so serious rn#and sorry not sorry but i will always hate him for leaving buck on the sidewalk outside the restaurant#yes buck is a grown ass man and could get home safely#but its the fact that he didnt tell buck anything until his uber had pulled up#like that man was talking about the movie yall were planning on seeing on you were just watching your uber get closer#i dont care who you are that us just rude as fuck#and the your fathers alive in the finale#fuck off#like the conversation about t and his father was literally only included to connect to gerrard#deny it all you want but t really was a plot device in 7b#he had like what maybe 5 minutes of screentime#he is so over#anti tommy kinard#me thinks
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saw a starfish on the beach today & was absolutely ENAMOURED - literally 3 of us were just squatting over this tide pool watching him move

#stream#omg i just remembered i was the last 1 to change / shower & i had just walked back from the cold ass shower thing to rinse off the salt &#punya came over & he was like ‘brother …’ & i was like what ? & he went 😏🫴#& i asked what do u want me to give u ?? ‘a cigarette u motherfucker’ ‘u know what i would love 1 TOO bitch but GUESS who smoked them ALL b#it WASNT ME !!!’ 😭😭😭😭 AKSJAKSKAKSKKSKSKAKSLSKSL#& NOW I DONT EVEN HAVE A VAPE BC OF THE FREAK BRIT THAT JUST WALKED OFF W IT#i’m still not upset abt it i’m more so just bewildered ? just shocked ? like i didn’t even care to try to get it back i was just like ok ?#i’m still shocked by it bc it’s just so#COMICAL ? LIKE ??? 😭😭😭😭 did neither of us speak english like 2 entirely different messages weren’t sent#LIKE ITS NOT A DISPOSABLE THIS IS A RECHARGABLE REFILLABLE VAPE#it was just 20£ & getting 2 disposables are also 20£ from the off license & i used literally like 80 ? 100ml ? in it ? so saved money#regardless but i did buy a pack of pods but 1 of the 3 that i used didn’t end up working & that was the third on it excluding the original#battery & those are 10£/pack so 30£ overall for what would equivalently be like idk probably around 10 of those 5k off license vapes which#would yea be 120quid so including the price of the vials themselves it’s 3-for-10£ used 5#so that’s 50£ bs 120£ even w the cost of a new device say + 30 that’s still only 3/4 of the price of what it would be using dispos which ar#cheaper than cigarettes REGARLESS#even the 30/120 that’s still u know literally a quarter of the cost it’s just a bigger upfront cost but it’s significantly cheaper long ter#STILL SAVING MONEY …. i say as if addiction isn’t inherently a waste of money but u see to that argument i budget it like food bc that’s ho#addiction works it’s just going to continue & ur going to include it in the budget as if it’s a PHYSICAL NECESSITY TO LIVE#to be fair sometimes it is lol like bro i couldn’t stop drinking w/o being in a hospital bc alcohol withdrawls can literally kill u#like my blood pressure was over 180 at 1 point when i was detoxing in hospital 😭😭😭😭😭#SCREAM#anyway#forget that#happy new year 2024.5 😍😍😍#my new year starts now fuck u the first half was just warm up#could i stop smoking if i wanted to ? yes ! will i ? absolutely fucking not !#IM ALLOWED THIS AS A TREAT#THAT I INHALE LIKE OXYGEN: CONSTANTLY
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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