#i’ve had it for four years now
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august 21.24 | the love i have for this shirt is unmatched 😭
#me#my face#i’ve had it for four years now#i’ll never get rid of it#idc#dean’s face is everything 😭#castiel looking up at it all#sam neutral in the middle#i think it’s a good summary of the show#ANYWAY#hope you’re all doing good 🫶🏼#stay safe & be good#des bisous ♥️
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Aradiabot wig didn’t come in time for this weekend 🥲 So I threw together a Jinx instead
#I’ve had the wig for years now just needed a restyle#made the top in like an hour with some old scrap fabric I had lying around#plus a four dollar nerf gun from Goodwill and badda bing badda boom#jinx#arcane
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welp… guess I’m not coming out for the next four years either :)
#personal#us elections#may I just say as a queer woman and poc but most importantly someone who missed the age cutoff to be able to vote#I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever felt more helpless than in this moment#like I’m at the age right now where I’m planning for things like moving out of my family home#That means in the next four years it’s very feasible for me to get r*ped and need my reproductive rights#It’s very feasible for me to find another woman who I want to spend my life with for which I need my right to equal marriage#And it’s very feasible for me to want to walk down the street without getting fucking shot for which I need my right to fucking live??#And just sitting through the past 9 or so hours watching my country put a man in office#Who would look at me and probably not even consider me a full human?#Or think I deserve all those rights?#A man who I don’t think is going to protect those rights?#I’m the kind of person who will never stop having faith in this country no matter what state of shittholery it’s in#Because if you look at our history we’ve had way bigger assholes than this guy and come out surviving#But I’m scared yall#I’m genuinely really scared
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maybe if i start yelling about my bbc sherlock x haunting of hill house au from the rooftops it’ll actually motivate me to write it & wouldn’t that be an absolutely wild day for us all
#bbc sherlock#fic writing#my rambles#this idea has been haunting me (lol) for going on four years#truly insane work#don’t know why i’m so tentative to write it because it’s one of those fics that would alter my brain chemistry if it already existed#it’s purely self-indulgent#i’ve had it plotted for ages and it’s a beast of a fic#i’ve almost got imposter syndrome#i want it to come across the way i want it to and only i can do that but what if it doesn’t work#anyways maybe i’ll get to it now that i’ve got some motivation
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my brain is so fucking stupid. I was bullied in fourth grade, my friends were like “actually erm we don’t want to be friends with you :/“ on the second to last day of eighth grade (even though we were all zoned for different high schools and would never see eachother anyway). And because of that my brain is, as my therapist and mother (two different people,) theorized, “hyper vigilant for any perceived social ostrichaztion”. The thing is it’s fucking stupid about it. Sure it has the generic “uwu your friends probably hate you secretly” thing.
But it also. Like: I’ll see a post that is somewhat negative towards a thing I like or a trait I even remotely identify with (including stuff as vague as ‘nervous’ or ‘writer’) and I’ll be like “yeah that makes sense” or “I don’t agree but I also don’t care”. But then my brain will repeat the negative phrase on loop for like a week. And will trigger physical reactions (crying, shortness of breath, etc) in response to it. I’ve actually had public panic attacks over things I give 0 shits about because my brain is a fucking helicopter parent.
#there’s one fic writer I love the work of#Who’s made a lot of good posts for a semi niche ship I like#And they’ve done nothing wrong but some of their posts (which again are not morally wrong my brain just sucks ass) have caused this#To the point I had to unfollow them#And a mutual reblogged one of their new posts that has the hallmarks of something that could cause this#(Reason I made this post actually. My thought is that venting about it will get my brain to stfu)#Thankfully since most of their stuff I look at is related to this ship so for now I’m safe#Because I’m currently fixating on oliretta and benslie ship wise (and in general I have rewatched like most of parks and rec)#(Within the span of a week. It’s a problem)#I’ve been on/off obsessed with this ship for like two (?) years so chances are I only have#Maybe four months to get my brain to calm the fuck down#vent#vent tw#vent post#mental health#mental health issues#anxiety disorder#Idk if this is a result of it but I do have clinical anxiety so that could be part of it#bullying#btw fuck people who say “bring back bullying” in response to people being cringe#Like that shit can effect people#And god forbid a teenager or young adult be confident about what they like#Instead of having issues likely caused by being treated like shit by their classmates when they were younger#stress#actually mentally ill#mental illness#actually anxious#bullying mention
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just got a text from the hr department that my boss wants to talk to me tomorrow 🙃
#we’ve had a wave of resignations and now he apparently wants to know how i’m doing#clearly he just wants to know if i’m gonna stay lol#and i’ve been wanting to quit for months i’m only staying until my scholarship contract expires bc i don’t want to pay the money back#if it wasn’t for the scholarship i would’ve been out of there a long time ago the working hours are brutal and the pay is laughable#apparently he offered 2 other colleagues more money to stay i wonder if he’ll do the same for me…#i know i’m gonna be so nervous tomorrow but this is a good opportunity to tell him everything that’s been on my mind for so long#even though i know it probably won’t change much at least i’ll know that i spoke my truth and stood up for myself#people who’ve worked here for over 15 years have quit recently that’s how bad things are atm#i deserve better i just need to pull through these last 5 months of the contract#hopefully i’ll be able to find a better job bc i’m tired of these long hours and not having proper weekends i barely have any free time#i have to work 4 (FOUR!!!) saturdays in a row rn 💀🔫🤡🫠🕳️🚶🏼♀️#☁️
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washed my hair for the first time in about a week and I think I get it now
#also why the fuck do I have so much hair (<- hasn’t cut their hair in almost four years)#anyway I’m still convinced that because I am an unlikeable & burdensome person to be around the only way I can make being friends with me#worth the effort is by doing things for other people so they don’t have to worry about them. which is why I may finally be on the brink of#burning out academically ✌️. I suspect this is because I’ve never had a friendship last more than 2-3 years. What to do abt it idk.#at least my hair is clean now 👍
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I just looked at the price on the back of a book I’ve had for a bit over a decade and it was four. fucking. dollars. Just four with no taxes. No extra 97cents or something before taxes. Just a round number that you would add taxes to.
I googled the price of a new edition and it was almost thirteen! Not an even thirteen, it was like 12.96 or something. Close enough that it’s basically thirteen but if you’re adding multiple items together to try and get the price on a purchase with more items it would add more confusion.
#emma posts#it was also a bit difficult to find a new copy on my phone#the edition I have was selling for wildly varying prices as a vintage book now#but that’s just a kids chapter book from a fairly large publisher#I know inflation happens and stuff but holy shit#buying things at the book fair makes so much more sense now#I bought that for 4$ plus taxes at the schoolastic book fair#it was maybe 12 years ago?#I could look at the publishing date for a better idea#the series had just switched publishers and the first few were being re-released at the time#before the new publisher and the author finished the series#four dollars though#I had to check the book because I know the current price of many paperbacks and I knew that series was still in print#but what lead to this was the price tag falling off an old brush I found from like. 2009 or 2010#and the tag on this very large brush was seven dollars#which seemed cheap so I looked at current brush prices online but since the exact same brush isn’t being sold and brush prices vary more#it was a bit harder for me to get an idea of it. books though. books I know#I’ve even bought stuff from that publisher recently (they have a lot of novel and comic translations)#but it also struck me how the old price tag was an even four and an even seven dollars but all new ones had 97 or 98 cents#that ten dollars from helping out grandma wouldn’t have even gotten me one book with modern prices#but back then I could get TWO#even just seven could have gotten me a book and some fun school supplies back then#to have that experience now you would need to give your kid a 20$#I understand inflation okay? I am just taken off guard rn and having realizations#I’m going to add to this post again. when I say wildly varied vintage prices I mean WILDLY varied#one dude was trying to sell it on Amazon for 55$ but on eBay it was 4 to 5$#I bought the next three books in the series from that same print. signed. for 13$ together#I had older editions of those and wanted a full series of just the ones that were being re-released during my reading time
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at this point i’m going to no preamble message my high school german teacher on discord and just say bestie. help.
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i never feel unsafe when i go on walks with tucker because i know at the end of the day he will protect me (even though he’s a big softie) but today yall i was real worried!
#i walked with tucker to a sonic near my house that i’ve walked with him a million times#got him an ice cream like i’ve done a million times! and have never felt more on edge on a walk with him ever in the four years i’ve had him#like the vibes were a hundred percent not there#i typically let tucker eat his ice cream there let him drink some water ect to cool down a little bit#at first i could kinda see the guy watching out of the corner of my eye and i thought oh this location doesn’t have pup cups maybe he’s#never seen a dog eat ice cream but then when i went to go throw something away i noticed this man fully PRESSED to the glass watching us so#i was a little antsy and moved to a table a little closer to the outer sidewalk then i hear a door close and realize he is outside :)#and here’s the thing about tucker tucker is VERY aware when i am anxious and this is a dog will not let anything come inbetween him and his#ice cream but tucker kept stopping and looking over at the guy then back at me taking long pauses from his ice cream at one point moving#over to stand in front of me with his ears perked#when tucker got mostly done i was like ‘oh good boy are you full? let’s get you home’ and as i stand up to leave the guy comes closer and#starts asking me questions about tucker and thank GOD another customer came up looked at us and immediately started asking the guy questions#because i was genuinely contemplating running out of there#but home and fine now and obviously it was at a sonic by an intersection nothing was gonna happen but i was mad worried and i am forever#grateful tucker is a very intuitive animal because if homeboy did his usual ‘only thing that exists in this world is ice cream’ schtick it#could’ve been different (he was mad at me about the ice cream afterwards btw but we had already crossed the street)#eris: text#tucker: text
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Holy shit it’s gonna be alright. My parents want a diplomatic, CIVILIZED meeting almost akin to a peace treaty, to occur in a few days.
Yes yes yes yes
#exjw#ex cult#I hadn’t anticipated exactly how much I had leveled the playing field when I became an adult and got myself THREE reputable jobs#I went into that conversation verbally loaded for bear and prepared to run to the hospital for asylum if things got ugly#They didn’t even ask me questions yet; they just said they’re prepared to hear me out and make changes#It’s wild how differently they’re treating me now vs. when I was sixteen#They’re more scared of what I’ll do than I am of what they’ll do. I’ve never had it like this before#Not that fear is good… but it feels much better to be in this kind of situation with some control and agency#It feels good to have power; and I will not abuse that power to needlessly make them feel worse than they need to#because I am better than they were four years ago
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my period app being like ‘late for 38 days!!’
baby girl, i haven’t had a period, since this time in may, but alright <3
#surprise i’m pregnant!!!#imaoooooon nahhhh#but my body is weird and i don’t get super regular periods bc my weight is constantly up and down and for probably a whole host of other#reasons#i’ve never been regular in general#but like missing a month is considered pretty normal#i swear i didn’t have a period for like a year once#and it’s been like nearly four months(?) now soooo 🤷🏻♀️#like i’m fine otherwise#idk what my current weight is but like i don’t think it’s like dangerously bad rn#i don’t like to think about it too much bc my brain LOVES to latch on to that shit and not let go and make me feel like shit#just in general i have a hard time keeping weight on#and like it’s not that eat too little (except sometimes i do oops)#bc like half the time i eat the same as my brother and he’s like 10 stone or something#i have been flip flopping between 8 and 9 for the last couple years#but it’s not like all my problems would immediately be solved if i were heavier (using that term lightly)#but like not eating does my symptoms worse bc like obviously not eating = lack of energy#but like eating doesn’t make my body magically fixed and function like a able bodied person’s is what i mean#but anyways i don’t think i’ve had a normal menstrual cycle in like 5+ years#so hehe x#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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You seem like a reckless driver by the way . I think you’ll hit at least one deer in your life time . Y’know ?
WHEEZE yknow my mom hit a moose once. and my dad wrecked a vehicle hitting a deer. and my sister too except it was the curb and the day after succeeding her drivers test–
#probably the least accurate vibe I’ve gotten off me though lmao#I’ve had my liscence for nearly four years now and the only damage I’ve ever caused to a vehicle was both minimal and you will never prove#it was me uwu#/j /j XD#but nah I fucking h a t e driving im an incredibly cautious driver lol#the most reckless thing I do in my driving is play my music really fucking loud but even then I try to be cared about it haha#I mean deer are just lil bitches like that so I probably /will/ end up hitting one at least once in my life…… but it’s yet to happen!#asks!#teamfortresstwo!!
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Hey not to be mentally ill over a Disney character but I’ve been doing more thinking about LeFou and I’ve been having Thoughts™️. I haven’t watched Beauty and the Beast in who knows how long but I’ve been thinking about this descriptor of Lefou in this memorial souvenir book I got during my Beauty and the Beast hyperfocus.
I feel like this descriptor actually explains a good amount of Lefou’s character and his motivations. He tends to just sit there and take the abuse Gaston gives him, because even if Gaston is treating him like dirt, he’s being given the light of day. It’s the idea of I don’t care if if I’m being used, that just means I’m useful. To him, Gaston’s perpetual mistreatment of him is the only treatment he’ll ever get from him. Not because he doesn’t know better, but because he believes he doesn’t deserve better.
Call me crazy, but maybe I could do something about him. Show him he doesn’t need to be overtly submissive in order to earn my approval and love. He just needs to be.
Or y’know, something like that. I’m no good with media analysis.
#꒰❣️꒱ ❝ Newfound Loves ❞#it’s not often I do this much actually detailed yapping#but listen. I’ve had thoughts about this little freak for about four years straight now#(if we exclude the three I had to put him in the Selfship Self Storage Unit)#so you’re gonna read my analysis on his character and his self worth issues whether you want me to or not#that’s what you signed up for when you followed me. take it or leave it
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The way suffering from neglect fucks up your entire life and no one cares when you’re a kid or an adult. I have life lasting health, emotional, and physical issues from this. I have no one to go to and I can’t even leave because I can’t afford to. My mother literally called me her retirement plan a year ago and I cannot afford to move out despite working. I don’t see a way out of this.
#I have ten fucking cavities and a root canal. ANOTHER one after a year and getting four wisdom teeth out.#I’ve paid for all of it and just found out I don’t have insurance :3. my mom just didn’t pay for it because she never goes to the dentist#every job I’ve worked didn’t even HAVE dental <3 and they fought me to not give me insurance for TWO years#this whole time. I could’ve just gone and paid a fee for 10 cavities and now I need a root canal too#my health has tanked#I had a fucking seizure this year#i haven’t been able to work out#I’m sick of everything and there’s no one I can go to or count on#but I have to be here for other people. always.
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I realize I think a lot about my life in terms of “maybe when I’m a boy…” my brother in christ. maybe you are an EGG
#idk. idk!#I’m not a Man. but I do resonate with Boyhood a lot#that’s the thing#I’m still nonbinary either way#but like. what kind of nonbinary. that is the question#and more and more it feels like Boy Nonbinary#but idk what to do about that. you’d think I would after like four years of being out to people#but I don’t. like what else can I change. I’ve already got the pronouns#I think I’m like… More Trans than I give myself credit for#(that’s a joke you can identify as trans however you want)#but my ocd brain is always like well you’re not trans you didn’t trans anything#which is not true but I mean it like. if I had the chance would I?#I might. but at the moment I don’t have the chance#so I’m just. confused#constantly#it’s exhausting#I don’t feel comfortable for the most part#also intrusive thoughts go brr right now I’m trying to Think#whatever tag ramble over#gender#mine
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