#i’ve felt like this since yesterday
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Oh boy, being drunk and being sad is not a good combo. I’m laughing and crying. But I love you all. ❤️
#it’s just one of those days#i’ve felt like this since yesterday#i feel totally worthless#gotta suck ut up#i just wanna go on vacation and get out soon#i don’t know whay the f I wanna do#ishouldcstop buying alcohol but……..#negative#mistress blabbling#probably my hormones again#i am either a happy drunk or a depressed one and the depressed is here now
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“You believe me like a god, I betray you like a man”
#have you ever gotten a random surge of creativity and lack of care in the world and just created for the sake of it?#YEAH THATS RIGHT#thaats what happened to me yesterday#this isn’t the best work I’ve done but tbh#it’s been like what..close to two years since I last drew a whole piece so yk#I love drawing#anyways had to get this pt of my head so that I could continue playing signalis (and probably draw stuff for it too)#this piece has been on my mind for months now but I never felt confident about it#maybe in the future I’ll draw it better but for now#I like it like this :) bc at least I drew it#anyways mindless rambles mindless rambles let’s all giggle#puella magi madoka magica#magica madoka#pmmm#homumado#madohomu#madoka kaname#homura akemi#YAY ^_^!#d0gart2
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I am fighting for my life to be mentally stable and it’s not working
#personal*#jess talks#trigger warning cus I’m feeling really low and might vent#but genuinely I want to give up#I don’t want to exist#I feel like a burden and a scrounger#I realised yesterday that everything I have is because of someone else#I haven’t earnt anything for myself or done anything with my life#I complain that I can’t support myself#yet I make no effort to fix that#im scared of my insecurity to do anything#I’m scared I’m not good enough#I’m scared to exist in my own home#it doesn’t feel like my home#I haven’t felt ‘at home’ since before uni#I’ve moved house 6 times in the past 7 years#I never feel secure or safe#and I feel responsible#I wish I could just go get a good paying job and support myself and my family#all I want is my independence back like I had at uni#but even at uni I was living off of a loan I’ll never be able to pay off#my whole existence is a waste#I’m contemplating giving up on my art and business because it’s getting me no where#I might as well give up entirely#I can’t see any positive resolutions in sight and I feel so helpless#but all I’m doing is feeling sorry for myself#my parents are sm worse off than I am currently yet I’m the one having panic attacks and terrified to leave my room??#I’m gonna be 26 still living with my parents achieving nothing for myself#with no relationship experience and not an inclining of self respect#grow up Jess
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<3
#i’m reflecting on yesterday rn#and i could honestly bawl my fucking eyes out because of the appreciation i feel from this community#if i may open up a little#i’ve always felt very isolated in life#both irl and online in communities i’ve always felt on the outskirts#never been anyone’s first second or third choice#and yesterday just made me feel the opposite#i’ve only been on qsmpblr since january and tk get the outpouring of love i received yesterday#it blows my fucking mind#if i’m being honest again i don’t feel like i deserve it#but regardless i am so fucking grateful to the people in this community - the strangers and the people i call friends alike#just thank you for making me feel valued and appreciated as a person#because i’ve not felt that for a very long time#and i’m just an anonymous person on the internet with a chay pfp#there’s nothing else identifiable about me#and yet people still give a shit? people went out of their way to wish me hbd and created things for me?#honestly i’m tearing up rn because of it#so just thank you - these things may just not even have crossed your mind as something special to have done#but to me they mean the entire fucking universe#so thank you from the bottom of my heart - i will never shut the fuck up about the love respect and appreciation i have for qsmpblr#because that’s all i’ve received in turn and i am still not used to that#i’ll shut up now but thank you again to absolutely everyone#if there is anything i can do to repay you for the endless kindness you show me please let me know
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alright who has it out for me 🫥
#tell me why I’ve had a sore throat since thursday#i got a fever friday and Saturday#and then today i tested positive for covid 😭#like what#I’ve been sick so much this year idk what is happening to me#i had to call out of work yesterday i felt so bad bc i literally just started there 😭#and now I’ve got Covid breh 😭😭#jess talks
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Life update:
I’m going to France for a volunteering program, TOMORROW!!
It’s been in the works for like a month but it’s still pretty sudden, I felt a bunch of ranges of emotions but overall I am feeling incredibly excited.
Art updates have been slow for this very reason and April will probably be mostly a month of adjustment, but hopefully i’ll be able to find a balance soon and finish some wips i am very excited to share!
#ame rambles#going to a different country man the ranges of emotions i felt#as it was wuite sudden i felt a lot of anxiety too at first#but like yesterday i had a call with management (?) and they were super nice and everything#it got me super excited to leave#i am glad i got this opportunity and i’m sure it will do me good to change air#i’ve felt stagnant for so long… since i started therapy last year it finally felt like moving again#i will do my best and hope things out of my control will be kind
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i fucking love wicked
#sound the alarm faith is thinking about wicked again 📢#went yesterday after MONTHS since the last time and i swear i feel like a person again#i have been in a mild depressive slump for a little while of like life has no meaning i don’t want to do anything or go anywhere etc#i’ve made some adjustments in the past couple weeks to try and break out of it but also i think wicked fixed me#i felt the strongest emotions i’ve felt since like. july and have not stopped#faithposting
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#photos of my guitar my dad posted to his blog years back when he bought it#it’s the most beautiful guitar in the world. it feels warm and alive to play#as you can see in the first two pics it used to have a newer pickup installed on the bottom. luckily he found an era appropriate online#it’s from 82 if you were curious#it says squire on the headstock but it was made on the fender line. they bought squire out and swapped in the name soon after this#but he got it a little cheaper than it was worth at the time because people aren’t as autistic as him and don’t know about production lines#basically it wasn’t brand name#basswood body and dark rosewood on the neck 😋✌️#it’s actually a replication of a ‘62 model! which was 20 years old at the time. mines now twice that. isn’t that incredible#i actually saw a modern fender replication of this exact model in an op shop yesterday#for more or less exactly how much this was bought for#dad finished his blog post by saying he thinks this is better made than the original. and despite not knowing the og i’m inclined to agree#people in the comments of his post are saying that this era was supposed to be something special. hehe. they’re right#i’ve played many guitars. i own this one because my dad collects them and he let me try them all out#and i have a lot of friends who play guitar and ive hung out with them to do so#and i’ve never felt one like mine before or since. it’s so obviously beautiful#when i picked it out i hadn’t played much but i knew right away how good it was. i prefer strat bodies because i can hug my torso around#them without getting poked like a tele and the necks are thinner than acoustics (small hands. bad)#unless we’re talking parlour#love a wee parlour. pa has a little one he got for 30 bucks that’s one of my favourites of his#he’s insanely good at finding deals#he fixes them all up#anyway. the body feels#how would you even describe it#heavy. and alive. warm and wet and still full of sap#i feel like it’s breathing#it’s sort of the only thing that motivates me to be better. i could cry just thinking about it. i want to be good enough to play it
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Hmm
#pondering#I can’t believe it’s been a year since I gave up on my last crush#it seems like so long ago I feel like I’ve lived eight lifetimes since then#but it also feels like just yesterday#and yet I feel so…. distant from him#I mean I also never see him anymore#the only reason I did then is because I’d seek him out#and even then….#idk what I’m trying to say#just that things change#and myself of two years ago would be amazed#that I’m able to have a normal life and think about him minimally and painlessly#because two years ago I was in the DUMPS#I went through this intense phase where I just felt like I *had* to be with him and got to the point where I’d just cry out of fear that#that I’d die before I got a chance to make him fall in love with me#it was so bad I was so paranoid and lovesick and and and.. ough#I still remember that night so well#it was also a Wednesday like today and it had been an awful day and I had a headache#and I just thought. I can’t take this anymore. where are we even going. he’s never going to notice me never#i GIVE UP#it was mostly an impulse but looking back I’m so glad I followed that particular impulse#it’s like when Edmund walked out of Mary’s house not because he was super resolved but more on an impulse of the moment#just felt like the thing to do. and I may have regretted it once or twice afterwards but in the end it absolutely WAS the right call#and a couple months later YOU-KNOW-WHO showed up#absolutely insane events happening to me last year.#but now I feel like the girl from that one video#“girl who is going to be okay” djdjdhdh#but really! I will be!#and I am even! just taking it one day at a time#elly's posts
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.
#do you ever feel like the odd one out in a friend group#like everyone likes each other but just tolerates you#idk ever since I broke it off with my former bff of#i’ve just felt like i’m not a good person to be friends with#like i’m just not a good friend#idk my anxiety has just been hitting me really fucking hard lately#with my birthday yesterday it’s just coming in full fucking force#feel free to ignore lmao#personal#vent post
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I’m sorry for tooting my own horn but I just. There’s someone over on AO3 who just bookmarked my last fic and I went to check out their profile and it was ALL EMPTY except for that one bookmark. On my fic. Like do you get it I’m going to go crazy I’ve never felt so honoured in my life. I think I might cry over this actually
#I’m gonna delete this post soon but I just had to get it out of my system bc I’ve been gushing for like 20 minutes#i love kudos. i ADORE comments. but imho bookmarks are where it’s at#like??? you liked my silly little story so much that you felt the need to save it and re-read it???#idk it’s just filled me with such joy#honestly in general the response I’ve received over my last girls fic has got me walking on sunshine since yesterday evening. I’m so happy#should i open up my other golden girls fics for y’all? atm they’re only for ao3 users but I get the feeling not all of you have an acct#anyway yea sorry I just wanted to scream this into the void because I’m genuinely going to cry#i hope they find many more fics that they like!!#personal
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thank you post-concert flu for only properly hitting me after i was done with lectures for the week 🩷
#i’ve been coughing a little since saturday#but like nothing else so i felt like i could safely meet people#but yesterday it just hit me and now i’m stuck at home#personal
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Re ur tags about worrying about having the perfect snippet for wip Wednesday/weekend: 1. Totally absolutely feel that, but 2. I literally posted a snippet the other day and realized I had straight up written the scene wrong based on my outline and realized I was gonna have to rewrite that but literally a minute after hitting post. Which DID feel very shitty, except then I realized that if the fic changes between the snippets I write and what actually gets posted, that means people get a glimpse into what some of the editing/revising process entails, which I also think is really cool!
Anyway, obviously it's still hard and scary to put raw/unfinished writing up on the internet for everyone to see, but at least for me I know I'm never expecting polished sentences from wip snippets, and part of what I enjoy about then is getting to see people in the process of creation, which is always gonna be a little messy!
(about my tags on this post)
first of all thank you so much for this because I got in my head about it all, like ridiculously so and this helped a lot!
I’m sorry about the scene you had to rewrite that’s annoying but you’re so right, seeing other peoples process and what they post for wip stuff vs finished fics is so interesting, like actually love seeing that
that’s something I’ve been scared off because some of the fics are so messy and discombobulated right now I’m not sure if anything will stay the same. But like you I don’t except anything polished or like a special scene from wip wednesday/weekends I’m just excited about people writing in general and I do love seeing the small little glances whatever they are. I think I just need to remember that these aren’t like previews or supposed to reflect the entire fic but literally just motivation
#thank you thank you thank you <3#this genuinely was so great to get <3#got told I was getting too in my head about this yesterday too and like yeah#I’m gonna calm down about it and just post what I have- tomorrow probably though bc it’s late and yeah#i just want to give something good for anyone who sent an ask but again not why they sent an ask and not what this is about !#also I get super nervous about sharing unfinished things in general and that caught up to me#<- I’m being very negative now but genuinely I’ve written so much in the past 3 days because of this and made a lot of progress after now#not***#working on any WIPs since April so this has been great for me#also just felt like whatever I posted needed to have the perfect vibes for how I summarized the story but like …no? ?#like for example the hand holding one is somewhere else entirly right now so#idk idk it’s good now tho I’m good about it again#amusingdisplacement#ask
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AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?
There’s a famous Reddit post from 2020 where a pregnant woman wrote that her husband and father-in-law were a little too comfortable with their certainty that she was absolutely going to die in childbirth just like her husband’s late mother. It was to the point where her FIL was insisting that she go ahead and put all her clothes into storage, because she was obviously going to die in the hospital and it would save them the grief of packing up her things afterwards. Like. It was WILD.
When I tell my husband [that she feels suspicious of her FIL], he calls me paranoid, but I feel like my FIL WANTS me to die; his whole life identity for the past 35 years has been “amazing single dad” (never dated or had close friends or even hobbies really), and it seems like he’s looking forward to being able to guide my husband through what he went through. At this point, I’d honestly be happy to never see my FIL again, and I certainly don’t want him in the delivery room, especially since he told me he was “putting [his] foot down” about me not being “allowed” to have an epidural…. My husband, in addition to backing his dad on everything, acts like my due date is my death date, and has completely pulled away from me.
The commenters (and me, honestly) were convinced that the husband and FIL were either going to kill her outright to fulfill this expectation, or just make decisions about her care that might conveniently let her die.
And then she never posted again.
Over the last four years, people have frequently mentioned that post, always leading to a thread of people saying, “Oh god, I still worry about that woman.” I did too. It became one of those famous unresolved posts that people always wondered about.
Until yesterday, when someone on r/BestOfRedditorUpdates dug up a 2022 update she had posted on a different account:
TLDR; I had a beautiful and healthy baby girl, and I divorced my ex-husband. I lived, obviously.
She writes that she put her foot down about having her own mother in the delivery room rather than her FIL (!), and she WOULD be getting an epidural. Her husband lost his shit. And in his outburst, he let slip--
I admittedly lost my temper, and told him that I wasn’t going to die- it wasn’t my fault his father’s trauma wormed it’s way into his head, and that he needed to fix it without taking it out on me. He yelled at me that he didn’t need therapy. That caught me a little off guard; I asked him why he went to his therapist and was given advice about my death if he felt he didn’t need it. His expression gave it away, and he caved not long after. It turns out there was no therapist. It was just his dad. During the times he was supposed to be at therapy, he was with his dad. I’m still fuming.
And that was when she got the fuck out.
I’ll wrap this up- I’ve got an adorable little toddler tugging at my leg atm. I’m alive, I’m happy, and I’ve got my baby in my arms. Life is good.
I truly never thought we'd see a resolution to this, and I feel like there's probably a good number of people who remember it, so I thought you might want to know.
ETA: Brilliantly, I put the link in at the top; here it is again for convenience.
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Today has been a productive day :)
#i did some work on a project because. idk. it was there#it was one i hadn’t seen before so i thought i’d try it out. i was kind of confused by the instructions so i only did a few tasks#but it’s okay#then i did a lot of building work on my ts2 prosperity neighbourhood#i finished every single community lot i wanted (specifically i built a salon; boutique; greengrocer and a coffee shop#the neighbourhood already had a gym; bar; convenience store; park and a roller rink)#i renovated one of my favourite maxis dorms to give it a layout that would actually make sense and be fun to play#(i don’t fuck with building my own dorms because i either make them too small or WAY too big#and they often turn out glitchy which is just not the vibe#but i’m totally willing to take a premade lot i know works and just gut it)#on a less nerdy note; my weighted blanket arrived#so i changed all my sheets so that i could put away my duvet for the time being and put the weighted blanket in a duvet cover#(i think this is the only way that makes sense because if i try to wash this thing it’ll break my washing machine#it’s 8kg. i don’t think i conceptualised that until the yodel delivery guy abandoned it on my doorstep and ran away because he didn’t want#to carry it anymore. that guy needs a raise. anyway. it’s HEAVY. i’m going to be SMUSHED. i can’t wait to go to bed tonight)#THEN i went for a run#it’s been probably like two weeks since i actually had what i would classify as a GOOD run (which is an overachieving run tbh)#so i decided fuck it; i’m just going to start my couch to 5k program over#and to be honest it was the perfect decision. it was easy enough that i can tell i’ve improved since i first started this program#but hard enough that i felt challenged and i know it was the correct decision to go back to the beginning#(for the integrity of my knee if nothing else. my knee is.. not feeling great. which is not ideal because i’m going to pride soon haaaaaaaa#we’ll worry about that when we get to it.)#then i got home and found out like 4 of the things i listed on vinted yesterday have sold so that’s really nice#that’s another £20 in my account and a bit more decluttering done. which i’m pretty happy with#now if you need me i’m going to watch a cooking show for a bit#personal
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Nearly forgot to submit my OT for the day I would have cried gimme the money
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