#i’ve been saying for the past few weeks like that im gonna be better in terms of how i look at myself and at the world and stuff

[liloinkoink]

hey guys, someone just sent me a weird ass ask claiming my incredibly close friend cherri @cherrifire secretly hate me and is talking abt me behind my back. i was not the only person to get one of these identical slanderous asks. i’ve already blocked the anon but like. open letter to them, and for the benefit of anyone else who gets an ask like this….

1) anon, you’re genuinely fucking stupid

2) hysterical to send this when i was actively chatting w her, while we were in the process of fleshing out yet another renchanting au, something we have done all day every day for… gosh, how long has it been now? nearly two years? i would say that it was really bad timing to send this ask to me while i was actively chatting aus w her but there really isn’t any moment you could have sent this that i wouldn’t have been.

3) if you thought i wasn’t gonna call bullshit and snitch immediately you don’t know shit about me or cherri, which, granted, is evident by the ask in general, but you really are stupid

4) if a gc like this existed—which it does not, bc cherri is not like this and would not do this—i would be in it. this idiot doesn’t even know im cherri’s emotional support writer. do you have any idea how many gcs and servers she’s dragged me into w her.

5) get your facts right cherri talks shit about me to my face. this is mutual. fake ass fan. if you were a real cherri friend you would know this smh

6) no, actually, you’re right, she definitely hates me. that’s why i met her irl literally like 3 months ago on her invitation, we hung out for a genuine week, spent basically the whole time arm in arm or hand in hand. this is also why we were planning a second meetup last night. you idiot. you fool. you complete and utter moron

anyway, if anyone gets this ask:

it’s complete bullshit. theyre sending this to cherri’s best friends for some godforsaken reason. it’s very weird and deeply cringe. also incredibly poorly planned. idk how many ppl you sent this to, but a few of us are in a gc and we have been making fun of this ask for like an hour (anon, im one of cherri’s friends and she’s been telling a small group of friends about you— lol. lmao even)

anyway like. to reiterate. cherri’s one of my best friends, she’s absolutely lovely and i’m lucky every day to know her. we hang out and chat constantly and we’ve met irl and it was an incredible experience i would love to repeat. i have told her things i have not fuckin told anyone else and you could not otherwise waterboard out of me. i love talking to her all the time and i miss her when she’s busy for even like, an hour. i love writing w her and creating things w her. she’s an incredibly bright spot in my life, often the first person i think of upon waking and the last i think of before i sleep. she is kind and funny and i love her a lot.

i’m a bitch tho so like @ this anon go fuck yourself. you better hope that when you die that the devil finds you before i do. sending this ask to a bunch of our friends, trying to turn the people she cares about against her, and for what? you clearly don’t know her well enough to be talking like this. trying to ruin my friend’s reputation and friendships w a vague as hell and entirely baseless copy paste is super fucking weird. why would you do this? and like, do you think we were born yesterday to fall for this? i’m insulted for her for whatever it was you were trying to pull and i’m insulted on behalf of myself and everyone else you sent this to that you think we’re as stupid as you are. what is your damage. get a hobby.

[nnephthyss]

something SICKENINGLY sweet ⁉️

reader has to take time off work due to injury/sickness and satoru takes care of em :3 — 🎀

i’ve never wrote just fluff so i’m sorry if this is bad but i tried. this is for my pookie <3

it’s also fairly short 😔

———————————————————————————

sickeningly sweet - gojo x reader

plot: you are sick and satoru comes home to take care of you.

warnings: um there really isn’t any ha, fluff 101, cuddling, satoru is super clingy and sweet, stubborn and whiny satoru

wc: 700 (ik im sorry.)

———————————————————————————

being sick wasn’t for the weak, especially if it was strep. you groan, shifting upwards against some pillows that you were laying on. satoru hadn’t been around you for the past week but it wasn’t of his doing. he said he didn’t “give a fuck.” that you were sick. he wanted to cuddle you, kiss you all over until you were better but you wouldn’t let him in a five foot radius of you.

satoru quite literally had enough. he marches his ass right into your room with protest from you of course. “satoru gojo! get out.” you grumble. this had to be like the fifth time today that you had to give him a lecture about not getting sick. he pouts, pretty pink lips downturning. “b-but- i miss youuu..!” he whines, getting even closer to the bed you were resting on. you put a hand up, finger pointing at him and warning him to not get any closer. “nuh uh.” but he doesn’t listen. .

he makes his way towards you, practically tackling you. a groan comes from you because your body was sore. “oops, sorryyy!” he giggles and rests his face on your chest while his arms shake around your waist. you grumble, not happy with him not listening. you really didn’t want him to get sick. “satoruuuu..!” you whine, hands pawing at his back to make him get up but he doesn’t budge.

“want to take care of you..” he pouts with a whiny, baby tone. he sounded so cute, damn it. you sigh and smile, totally giving up on making him leave the room. “well, i could eat.” he instantly lifts his head with a soft expression on his features. “what does my pretty girl want?” after all these years, he still somehow gets you all flustered even when you’re sick. a twinge of pink covers your cheeks at the pet name.

“soup.” you say empathizing the “p”. he smiles and presses a kiss to the side of you mouth. “noo! quit that.” you pout, knowing damn well he’s gonna get himself sick by being a stubborn little bastard even if the little kiss made your heart beat a bit faster. he snickers at the grumpiness in your tone.“oneee sec!” he hums and scurries out of the room and towards the kitchen.

maybe ten minutes later of boredom, the white haired boy comes back with a bowl of soup in his hands. he looked so sweet as he walks slowly, looking down at the bowl as so he doesn’t spill it. you giggle at how cute he looks, focusing so hard. he finally takes a seat beside you on the bed. looking at you as he scoops some of the hot liquid onto the spoon and holds it to your mouth. “ahhh..” he makes a sound with his mouth for you to mimick.

a laugh comes from you but you mimick the boy and open your mouth wide “ahhh..” then he spoon feeds you the hot broth. it tasted pretty good, soothing your sore throat. he focus on your expressions, bright blue eyes making sure you like what he made. “ it’s good ‘toru.” and he smiles at the praise.

he watches you eat it, eyes following your mouth then occasionally drifting to your throat as you swallow the liquid. “can we cuddle.?” he juts out his bottom lip and you glance at him. of course you didn’t want him to get sick but he was already here. you both lived together, he was gonna end up sick anyways so you sigh and hand the bowl to him.

he sits it down on the bedside table and crawls towards you.“missed you all these days.” he breathes against your neck as he buries his face in your hair. you run a few fingers through his hair, brushing it out of his face and cuddling him back. “i missed you too baby.” and he whines at the nickname, hugging you tighter.

———————————————————————————

[captainkirkk]

✩ WEEKLY FIC ROUND-UP ✩

All the fics I’ve read and really enjoyed in the past week-ish. Reminder: This list features any and all ratings and themes. Please look at tags and warnings on ao3 before reading.

Miraculous Ladybug

Open My Eyes by buggachat

Adrien smiles as he eats breakfast with Nathalie, smiles as he walks through the halls of his new lycée, smiles as people stop him on the street and tell him time and time again what a "hero" his father was.

(Adrien wishes he could've been a hero, too. He should've been. Maybe then his father would still be alive.)

(But he's surviving. Everyone may be treating him as though he were made of glass, but he can still go through the motions, he can prove them wrong, he can still smile.)

“And you’re… happy,” Marinette spoke carefully, a nervous tilt to her voice, “... right?”

(Adrien has some things to find out.)

DC

the good, the bad, and the power hungry by konan_konan

dim trake ☑ @timdrakeceo・8hr if one more person tweets about #superlex unironically im gonna end it all 391K Views | 200 Retweets | 13 Quote Tweets | 22.1K Likes

j-son of a bitch ☑ @jsntdd・8hr ↳ replying to @timdrakeceo hurr durr these are the consequences of ur actions bitch 201K Views | 109 Retweets | 4 Quote Tweets | 18.4K Likes

or: lex luthor makes bad choices. and then, so does everyone else.

call me cute and feed me sugar by suzukiblu

Tim Drake had absolutely no intentions of ever becoming anyone's sugar daddy when he met Superboy.

This would have worked out better for him if Superboy had ever had an actual legal identity or an actual legal guardian or just . . . literally anything whatsoever in life. Ever. At all.

Just a bank account, even.

how big, how blue, how beautiful by merils

Kon-El is not good with medical settings. One could even say he's quite bad with them. How bad, exactly?

Well, let's put it this way: Very few things in the world can make him scream for Superman to save him.

(Superman will save him. That's what family's for, right?)

Clone Wars

The Kenobi Chronicles by WobblyCat

General Kenobi isn't actually dead. Someone should really tell that to his troopers, though.

Or: The clones under General Kenobi's command have a groupchat dedicated to him. Cody wishes his subordinates weren't so fucking stupid.

SVSSS

Shen Yuan's Forced Shen Qingqiu Redemption Arc by SpicyReyes

The System's OOC function won't unlock all at once - instead, character traits have to be added individually, through quests. This leads to Shen Qingqiu having to jump through endless hoops just to complete enough side quests to unlock the ability to be a decent person - all while avoiding the effects it has on those around him. If only the cheapskate System wouldn't keep changing the cost of point values - he needs to know what the hell Yue Qingyuan told the others about him that makes them all look so sad when he does manage to be nice! He's breaking his back here, can't we just appreciate his work?!

second-hand alibis by nex_et_nox

"All right. I’m in Proud Immortal Demon Way," he says, once he's had a chance to compose himself again. He sits back up, tossing his stupidly long hair back over his shoulders where it belongs; he is totally calm and ready to grill the System for more information.  "Who am I supposed to be?" Please please please don't let it be someone who Bingge violently murders. Though given the fact that he's a man in PIDW, his chances are already skewed, and not in his favor. Ugh. [Bound Role: Shen Yuan, Rogue Cultivator. Weapon: the sword Heng Li. Starting B-points: 100.]

or: Shen Yuan transmigrates as a rogue cultivator, one completely unconnected to any canon characters or events. Right, System? Right?

[lnfours]

idk if im late or not for the snow day req 🤧 can i req this with lando? tysm 🧡

all too well - bad breakup, you lost your self-esteem, why not you? "i can still remember it like it was yesterday"

IM BACK! my semester started the other day and i’ve been busy as fuck but don’t worry we’re cleaning out the inbox today!

anon, i hope you enjoy this! i’m so sorry it took so long 🥲 i had to include a fluff ending bc im too much of a hopeless romantic

cleaning out my inbox

the house was empty, quieter than normal as you sat on the couch. the ran pattered against the roof, droplets dripping down the glass that mirrored the tears on your cheeks.

it had been a few months since you broke up. his busy schedule and yours intermingling only causing more harm than good. you felt like you never got to see him, and when he was home you were always busy. obviously you knew what you were getting into with his profession, under the impression that you both could make it work.

but after six months of trial and error, you both decided that despite the overwhelming amount of love you had for each other. there was no one else who could compare to him. there was no better feeling then the love you had for each other.

your friends had all played the classic ‘boys suck’ and ‘find someone knew’ cards when in reality it took all of you not to book the first flight to whichever city he was in that week and get wrapped up in him all over again. to breathe in the smell of his cologne and laundry detergent, the smell that felt like home.

your thoughts were interrupted with a knock on the door. you wiped your tears quickly, glancing down at the time on your phone and wondering who was paying you a visit this late in the evening. especially unannounced.

you unlocked the door and opened it to reveal the man who had infiltrated your thoughts for the past three months. gorgeous green eyes meet yours, brown curls stuck to his forehead because of the rain. backpack resting on his shoulders as a small carry on luggage sat beside him. he wasn’t really sure what urged him to tell the uber driver to drop him off at your doorstep instead of his own place, but he was glad he did the moment your eyes met.

“sorry,” he mumbled softly, awkwardly shifting after taking in the silence between you, “i should’ve texted.”

you shook your head, opening the door for him to seek shelter from the rain, “it’s okay, come in.”

he did as you told him to, leaving his bags and shoes by the door as you made your way into the kitchen. he shrugged off his hood, running a hand through the wet curls as you reached up on your tippy toes for a mug, “want some tea? it’ll warm you up,”

“teas good,” he nodded, sending you a soft smile, “thanks.”

you turned the stove on, fire igniting under the kettle, turning to face him on the opposite side of the island.

“why’re you-?”

“were you-“

you both started at the same time, exchanging a slight chuckle before he shook his head, “you first, your questions probably more important than what i was gonna ask.”

you nodded, licking your lips, “i was just gonna ask why you’re here,” you said, immediately rambling after, “- not that i mind, i did say my door was always open if you needed something but…”

you trailed off and he nodded, swallowing thickly, “i don’t really know, to be honest,” he said, suddenly more interested in his fingers as he broke eye contact, “i’ve been thinking about you and what happened between us over the past few months and i,” he took a deep breath, “i missed you.”

you bit down on your lower lip, “lando-“

“i know, i know,” he said, finally looking up to meet your eyes again, “i should’ve probably texted, and i had this entire speech rehearsed in the car from the airport but when i saw you, it all kind of just went out the window. i can go if you want me to-“

“no,” you cut him off, “no, i don’t want you to go.”

he nodded, “i just felt like telling you i still loved you in person was a better idea rather than telling you over the phone.”

you heart stopped, jumping up to your throat. you didn’t know what to say, you hadn’t really thought about what you’d say if he ever came back. you just assumed he had moved on and forgot everything about you, just like every other man had.

but he wasn’t like those guys. that being the key reason you fell in love with him to begin with.

“and i’m sorry for being so shitty,” he said, “for not being the perfect boyfriend to you. i know it’s a slim chance, but if you’re willing to work it out, so am i. i want everything life has to offer with you.”

you swallowed the lump in your throat, “i’m sorry, too,” you breathed out, “i wasn’t totally understanding about your career and how hectic it was. if im being honest, i never stopped loving you. even when you were gone, i couldn’t keep my mind off of you.”

he approached you now, coming to stand in front of you. you smiled gently up at him as he spoke, “a complete redo, for the both of us, a clean slate - if that’s okay with you?”

you nodded, “very much so, yeah.”

he smiled down at you, his arms winding around your waist as yours wrapped around his neck. he hugged you tightly against his body, the smell of his cologne filling your senses. the smell of him; home.

the tea kettle whistling pulled you apart, you reaching to turn to the stove off as you grabbed the kettle. he watched you with love filled eyes as you made the tea, holding his mug out to him with a smile when you prepared it to his liking.

you remembered.

“so,” you said, smiling over the rim of the mug, “tell me everything i missed.”

[stursweet]

hi 💌 initially, i was going to leave this alone.. i HATE to bring “serious” shit to a space that i came to to write my stupid little fics and make bitches laugh.. and it has been that for a while (and thank you guys SO much for that. there are so many wonderful people that take time out of their day to read what i say and that means so much you have no idea). this past week i’ve gotten an influx of anons that, to put it fuckin lightly, HATE a bitch. they tearing my ass to SHREDS - and, they’re sending these messages so frequently that i have to scroll for a solid minute past their bs to get to my actual requests. the main topic of these messages (apart from telling me to kms 🤗💖) are attacks at my “insanity and delusion” ( i had to laugh).. i know i be on here spittin about how i need chris and shit.. and i do but like ? when did i say i thought we was actually fuckin like 😔 and i’m on HERE saying it because i thought this was a community where we could joke and laugh about how we all want they fine asses and make horny lil comments.. i chose to be on HERE because i thought we was better than this.. clearly not 🤣 telling me to kill myself and saying you’re gonna slit my throat over me saying i wanna suck some dick is crazy ☹️ obviously i love him a lot , i’ve been a fan for three years.. but obviously i’m not actually inhaling dat dick like .. come on😕 we all fans in the end just tryna read some fuckin shit. i appreciate all of you so much that have been kind and supportive🫂💖 im gonna take a break for a few days. hopefully this calms the hell down and i stop receiving these messages. i do want to still write and have this connection with y’all, but i also don’t want to be fuckin bullied 😭 i hope you understand. see you later 🤍

[godblessthisfuckingfandom]

so I’ve been having a pretty shitty month, my mental health is the worst it’s been in years, and every time I started to feel better it only lasted for a few hours at a time. I ended up trying to preserve my mental state like some sort of glass thing that was incredibly fragile. I don’t know exactly what I’ve got, and I knew I should research it and figure out how to help myself, but I honestly just felt so down and so worthless that I didn’t even try. So, I love SPG right, and I’ve heard Malfunction before, but when I tell you watching that music video today I understood it EXACTLY like never before and omfg even if it doesn’t last long for right now just knowing that I’m not the only one who has problems has helps me so much. Im even gonna start researching things to help myself today, which is insane cuz I didn’t feel like I could do anything at all for the past literally three weeks, which may be nothing to other people with a mental illness, but this is the worst it’s ever been before for me. So all that to say, even if you don’t like weird steampunk bands, please check out Malfunction by Steam Powered Giraffe. It’s awesome. And thanks SPG for being the fucking awesome band you’ve always been. 💜

[niningtori]

ok u know what EYE think is better than angsty beomgyu…. similar to pathetic beomgyu but the mc is emotionally unavailable 🙂‍↕️ like pure zen. she does not care about things that don’t concern her like she’s just cool~ it’s angst but bc of the mc 🙂‍↕️ i love that trope bad bc it’s kinda me sometimes 🙈

i’ve stopped being desperate over men for a few yrs now hahahah… (not really but yes really) and i believe if i was fully content with my life, i wouldn’t bat an eye at anyone unless i know they r willing to just follow me bc they love me!!! that’s been my thing for dating lately… like don’t hold me to expectations cuz i will do what i want pls.. if u wanna be with me knowing i might pick up my life and do something else then so be it! like a puppy hahahah .. (i haven’t had a therapy session in a few weeks im sry she’s on vacation til next week) anygays (im queer) im so excited for everything girl the previews r tew good 🐰

i’m sorry i just woke up this is a mess

OMGGGG i love that trope too but i love it when she's like that bc she's been traumatized so much she jus doesn't care anymore... like that's rlly me NWNANSj it'll take a lot for me to truly give a fuck about a man i actually know irl. shoutout to my fellow emotionally unavailable babies 🫡

i think that's a great way to look at things tbh but maybe i'm just an enabler. but my reasoning is that i personally think that women compromise themselves too much for men and ik i've done that in the past by dating men who r uglier than me n treat me like shit... sooooo that's not happening ever again. ik ppl say this to the point where it's overexposed but we r like black cats we jus need our golden retriever partners

ANYGAYSBWHANSJS i'm laughing i'm queer too i think comphet jus kicks my ass sometimes but i really am only attracted to like 12 men on this planet sooo take from that what u will

also omg my therapist is going on leave for like a month i'm gonna be so lost w/o her... sigh...

and thank u for the compliments 🥹❤️ ur opinion means the world to me MWAH

[woniebunny]

JARED CAMERON x Y/N ONESHOT

A/N: Hey guys!! It’s been a hottt minute since I posted anything. I’ve genuinely been so busy with work and uni and lots of moving 😅. Life has just been a lot and finding time to write was kinda tricky but hopefully going forward I’ll be a little better at it. I did have one user ask about me potentially writing something separate about Jared and his imprint and I actually really liked the idea and finally got around to it so hopefully you guys enjoy it!

3 weeks. 3 weeks is how long it’s been since I’ve avoided you. 3 weeks of trying to ignore how much I miss our conversations or your laugh or even just your presence. 3 weeks of pretending Im okay and feeling guilty for not being able to be honest because how do I tell the most important person in my life that I’m falling for the one person they want a chance with more than anybody else. 3 weeks of feeling like the worst best friend in the history of best friends. *Ring ring ring* and there goes the last bell signaling the end of the school day and effectively bringing me out of my thoughts. I gather and pack up all my things and start heading out the door to meet Kim as per our usual routine of walking home together. As I go to put my things in my locker I can hear someone stopping next to me. “Hey would you wanna go get ice cream on our way home?” I start asking Kim as I shut my locker only to turn and come face to face with the last person I wanted to see at the moment. Jared Cameron. “Sorry I thought you were Kim, what’s up?” He doesn’t respond for a minute or two, just continues staring at me. “Cameron?” Looks like he snapped out of whatever trance he was in. “Sorry, I was just wondering if I did something wrong or if you’re mad at me?” “Huh? No Im not, why would you ask that?” “Well I haven’t really seen or heard much from you the past weeks so I guess I was just curious” “oh guess I’ve just been busy and we haven’t really been partnered recently, but I’m not mad.” “Oh okay… cool” as he starts nodding his head and awkwardly giving me a thumbs up, it almost makes me wanna laugh as I feel my lips fighting to lift. “In that case I was wondering if…” “Y/N!!!” He pauses and I whip my head around hearing Kim yelling to me as she runs up. “Im so so sorry I got held back a few mins cause some kids were blocking the door but I’m ready if you wanna start heading home and… oh hi Jared I didn’t see you there” Kim says as I see her slyly giving me a questioning look. “Hey Kim, I was just asking her a question about history class. Hope you guys get home safe.” “Thanks! Let’s go Y/N!!” She replies as she grabs my arm and starts running to head home. I can feel him watching us as we leave but I keep my focus on Kim. It’s about a 10 minute walk, 15 since we stopped for ice cream along the way, before we reach Kim’s house and she invites me in. “Oh Y/N honey how are you? How are your parents?” Asks Ms.Connweller as we’re passing through to get to her room. “We’re good Ms. Connweller thank you for asking” “that’s good to hear, well dinner should be done in about 20 minutes if you don’t mind staying, you know we love having you over” “that sounds great Ms.Connweller thank you” “of course dear, now why don’t you girls go relax in the meantime” and that was our signal to head to Kim’s room. Soooooooo my precious Y/N, do you wanna tell me what that was about?” “Pardon? What’s what about?” “Jared Cameron talking to you by your lucky, which I’m so sorry for interrupting by the way I didn’t mean to” “no no it’s okay, like he said he was just asking about class.” “Hmmmm” “what do you mean hmmmm?” “I think he was gonna ask you out” she giggles. What. “What do you mean?” “Girl did you not notice how he was staring at you when I took you away, not to mention he was in the middle of talking to you, and it’s not like you genuinely talk to anybody beside Embry and I… so yeah all clues are pointing to him asking you out! Oooooohh this is so exciting, I’ve never seen you go on a date it’d be so fun to dress you up!” What. The. Hell?? “You’d want me to say yes to Cameron? Seriously Kim?” I ask staring at her like she’s crazy. Isn’t she in love with him? Is this a trick?? Why would she be happy? “Well I mean if he asks you then yeah! It’s about time you get a boyfriend and he looks like he’s genuinely into you which a green card in my books” “wait but aren’t you into him Kim? Wouldn’t that be wrong..?” “Huh? Girl I just thought he was cute like major eye candy like Embry for example but I’m not actually into him haha” she starts laughing.

“Wait did you think I was genuinely in love with him?” “Uhh.. yes?” I answered more like a question unsure of what’s happening. “Lmaooo girl nooo eye candy haha he’s all yours if you want him. Besides I’m talking to Axel at the moment I thought you knew?” Oh. My. God. “Oh” “wait, is that why you’ve been avoiding him since your guys group project? Awwww you’re such a sweet best friend but seriously if you don’t get with that boy I will slap you cause he’s very obviously in love with you” “I was cause I didn’t wanna ruin our friendship and mess things up” “and I appreciate that and guarantee it won’t even if I did like him like that you should know I’d never make you choose. You’re my sister Y/N forever and always and I love you and support you no matter what. So please please please do me the big favor of getting with him” “hahaha okay Kim, I love you too, forever and always” “Girls dinner is ready!” Ms.Connweller yells from downstairs. “I’m glad we had this talk now idk about you but I’m starving, let’s go eat!”

The next day at school as I’m standing by my locker again I feel someone stop next to me. Now knowing that Kim was 100% okay with anything happening between Jared and I, I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Maybe that’s why I don’t hesitate to close my locker and immediately turn “Hey Jared, what’s up?” “Hey Y/N, I know this is kinda random but we got interrupted yesterday and I was just wondering if maybe you know you would like to go out with me?” He rambles really quick and closes his eyes and turns his head like he’s waiting for me to yell at him. “Like a date?” “Huh? Oh yeah, uh like a uh date? If that’s okay?” “Okay” “Wait okay? Like okay yes?” “Yes Cameron lol okay yes. I’d love to go on a date with you” he starts smiling and practically bouncing in place “oh oh my god, I, wow, oh you actually said yes I am so happy I promise I will make it the best date ever okay I will see you later!” He goes to leave but I stop him “hey Cameron, don’t you kinda need my number to tell me when and what time the date is and to find out where to pick me up?” “Oh yeah, sorry I got excited” as he sheepishly scratches the nape of his neck and handed me his phone. After putting in my number and watching him excitedly leave almost tripping over another student when he turns to wave at me one last time, I don’t stop myself from letting out a laugh and smiling this time. I just know he’s going to make me the happiest girl in the world and the best part is I didn’t even have to go looking for him. I guess I have the moon goddess to thank for that.

[sillyflipping]

DXM 180mg hbr + weed trip report

8:10 PM: packed a bowl and smoked it. around this time, also hit the pen a few times, and a couple hits of nic vape

10:30 PM: Took 180mg DXM hbr in the form of 12 gelcaps, 15mg each. They were a generic store pharmacy brand of gelcaps, but I made sure to get the kind that contained only dxm and no other active ingredients. If you’re going to do dxm, don’t do it if there’s acetamenophin or guafinesin in whatever you’re taking because it can actually kill you, and it is not pleasant to OD on acetamenophin. Before taking the dxm I took one pill of otc dramamine to combat any nausea. The amount I took should get me to a high first plat, *maybe* a low second plat, or at least so says the dosage calculators. I’ve not done much Hbr in my past, I usually used to do freebase pills and occasionally poli (Delysm). I hadn’t done dxm in over a year now, I know it caused me a bunch of problems in my past, but for some reason lately this past week I’d just been craving it for some reason. Honestly in the past few days I’d just been fiending to get fucked up. And now, I’ve finally done it, i’ve taken my first-second plat dose and I’m waiting for it to kick in. I will try and update every hour. Also note I’ve never combined dxm and weed before, so will see if it’s any different. Also If I end up falling asleep will continue to update in the morning or whenever I wake up.

11:30 PM: Don’t notice any signifigant effects. Bit of a headache. Am lying in bed was watching some youtube videos.

12:00 AM head pounding a bit but it’s not intese pain. Just kind of a headache a bit dizzy/disoreinted bit spinny rooms spinny

12:40 AM head hurts, dizzy. This isn’t like the previous times i’ve done dxm, it’s not kickin in as hard, though to be fair I used to do freebase at higher doses and at that time I was also on abilify and lithium. Gonna try and lie down close my eyes cuz my head hurts

3am: wakw up tripping can barely type tbis. CEV’s and body heavy, dizzy visual snow room spinning. mild nausea. Feel like am on low second plat Obviously no ones awake cuz its 3am and idk

3:22 AM: I realize i mustve slept thru the peak of the trip as it’s 3am. I don’t mnow if i ever slept or if ive just been laying here in my own head my thoughts are blunted and despite the dozziness nausea and weird statitc snow visuals, it’s working to makw me not fee emotions. still tripping. hard to type

I cant belive i used to be such a dexhead that id go places like id go grocery shopping w frens back in college while off the dxm. Cant belsiwv it. This shit sucks theres way better drugs oit there this aint it

Dont really feel that cold but am shaking shivering

4am: texted a friend who was up at this hour, probably not about anytning super important. im still in the dextroverse but i think maybe im slowly comin down. There’s still visual snow and a jelly-like state about the air and atmosphere around me. I took like a 2nd plat dose and I’ll edit this trip report for more coherency and grammar once am sober

Dxm is bad trips not mentally. Mentally its pretty good but the body high is awful. Dizy and nausea spinning

4:23am: read some online calvin and hobbes comics. i never read those as a kid before but i feel like i can really understand them better somehow while trippin

4:43am: The comedown is the best part, honestly.

5AM: Still tripping, coming down. Compared to the overwhelming love and joy of a (good) mushroom trip, and compared to the depression and lonelieness i feel in my daily life, this is kinda true neutral. i feel nothing, numb. slighly optimistic tho. dont feel depressed atm. dont feel happy either.

5:40 AM: slowwwlllyyyyyy coming down. i try eating a couple spicy chips (carolina realer cheeto) to see if i can still taste, as sense of taste is often greatly diminished on dxm. The cheetos taste bland, and i feel the heat of the spice but no flavor. Sad.

6AM: less dizzy. head hurts less but still barely hurts a little bit just mildly annoying. The room stopped spinning. Am chillin on the couch, no one else awake yet

7AM: don’t think i’m still tripping, i feel a bit faded but it might be the afterglow or just general me being zooted. The sun is rising

1PM : pupils finally went back to normal size

Thoughts: Dxm fucking sucks. I felt a weird emotion that felt like how a chemical smells. Weird and numb and unable to feel anything. Awful body load. Why would you ever do dxm if you can do anything else. Nostalgia is a liar

[adonis-koo]

Hi Missy! I know this is random so ignore this if it’s too intrusive 😭 but I remember you saying you’re a virgin. I’m a year older than you and I’m also in the same boat. And now that you’re trying out firsts with your current crush (? sorry idk what to call them 💀) how do you go about it? Like when do you let them know you’re a virgin? I’ve only ever tried dating once and I thought he wouldn’t care bc all my friends have told me that it shouldn’t matter but he got turned off and said that taking someone’s virginity was too much for him. I’m assuming he thought I would get too emotionally invested to him bc of it. But I told him I don’t take my virginity that seriously, I just never had a chance to meet a man I fully trust 😭 now im scared and don’t know how to go about it lmao

hey babes!! first off I know exactly what you’re experiencing! I’ve dated in the past and never made it so far as holding hands with someone before I met my current partner, and honestly? I found it really boils down to meeting someone you’re really compatible with, of course physical attraction matters, as we would not be dating if I didn’t find him cute, but personality is such a big thing.

and personally, I’ve found that stating your boundaries and expectations for how a relationship is gonna go in the very beginning has worked well so far for me. We were both very clear on what we wanted and expected from one another, one of those things for me was stating that I wanted to go slow, and him saying that he was perfectly okay with that.

I didn’t tell him I was a virgin until a few weeks in to our official relationship and our conversations started to naturally float in that direction (in a kind of curious, testing the waters way), now we were friends before this and had talked about relationships so he already knew I had never actually been in a relationship before, so he wasn’t surprised, told me it was nothing to be embarrassed about and we could take things at the pace I felt comfortable.

not only this but he isn’t someone who jumps that quick either, so there wasn’t any pre-existing pressure to perform for him.

If a guy has certain expectations whether you’re a virgin or not- he probably isn’t someone you should let be your first time, like I didn’t believe it at first, but there are guys out there that will go at your pace and respect your decision, those are the ones that you’ll have a much better time with.

Like I said, clear communication, set boundaries and personality is everything, when you find someone you click with, the progression feels so natural, I never thought I’d find someone who was okay with a lot for things about me, the pace I wanted to go and what I wanted but I’m now happily a month in and still taking things at a steady pace.

we went from a hand hold, to a cuddle, a hug, a kiss, and even after it got real saucy he kept checking with me to make sure I was okay, and then respected and supported me when I didn’t want to go further.

like ??? I NEVER thought I’d find someone that made me feel 100% safe and comfortable every step of the way and yet he popped up out of NOWHERE. Please stay hopeful and do NOT settle because the person who’s meant to be your firsts will come along, I do hope this helps a little bit though 🫶

[notasimpleslater]

hey i think i'm the other anon who has been mostly contributing to this convo (i think like 99% of your inbox has been me and other nonny these past few weeks lol). im gonna follow my nonny friend's footsteps and step away from this because it's upsetting. however i wanna give everyone a big internet hug and say thanks, you all helped turn what could have been a very sad and upsetting situation into something fun and enjoyable. but other anon is right our mental health is most important and-

- after over a month of this nonsense i think we should all take better care of ourselves because we deserve it <3 i love you all, thanks for all the laughs and dialogue and i hope you all get some better feelings about ethan/this situation soon. i dont think i can continue being his fan but you guys do you, i support you either way. and gracie it's about to get real quiet up in here so take some time to relax, you deserve it <3

❤️❤️ I appreciate you guys, I really do! Y’all really helped me cope with this whole situation with your messages and sleuthing, but for the sake of my mental health and yours I agree it’s time to put it to rest I think. I’ve been wanting to get back into writing: I’m currently working on a Wicked fic, and I want to get back into writing my EOTW fic that I know y’all were enjoying.

Also, don’t be afraid to message me about anything else or just to say hi (tho I am still open to occasional OzGate messages if y’all still have stuff to say), and also feel free to message me off anon or on discord (bigbwayboots).

And don’t worry: If Ethan ever comes back to social media, y’all will be the first to know!!

[hypaalicious]

I just got fired from my job today and like... im gonna be okay but god.. this wouldn't happen to Ignis

Getting fired does not feel good, and that really sucks 😩 I hope you aren’t taking it as a reflection of your self worth, because these jobs don’t give af about us, frfr. We’re just cogs in a machine.

Want me to tell you how I got fired from my job I gave 7 years to? Maybe it’ll make you feel better!

TL;DR: I mouthed off to an insufferable executive, she reported me to HR, and they fired me. But she got fired too shortly after 😂

Aiight, so boom:

Idk if folks remember but I worked at a casino and moved up from a basic customer service job to a supervisor of that department, then finally an office job with the executives. The group of us had a really nice relationship; pretty casual, went to lunch together, etc. Like, I would have called my boss my friend if I wasn’t very adamant of keeping lines drawn via work power balances.

But… we all got too comfortable with each other, and when it came down to it, I was the only one expendable.

One of the executives was… she wasn’t a good person, tbh. Lol she was very petty, very shallow, made things really hard for our creative team. She had been reported to HR multiple times for inappropriate comments but like outside of a slap on the wrist, she was untouchable because she was besties with the CEO.

Anyway, COVID hit, and shit got real. Most of us stayed in office to work. During lunch one day, this executive’s doctor called her and left a voicemail to get back to him immediately. We were all like ?? but figured she had it covered.

Then, she called out of work a few days later. And then a week passed and she still ain’t show up. They did a deep clean of the cafeteria that we were all at and roped it off.

So yeah, she came down with the rona. Which is ironic because when the pandemic first hit she scoffed at it and was like, “I’m just gonna live my life, ya know?” And I guess life said:

So yeah. Work wise, things went a lot smoother with her gone. I was more involved with the creative team and got shit done without ruffling their feathers. More people from other departments that this executive had pissed off in the past started coming around more. It was the golden age of productivity. LOL

Well, my boss also had her added on IG. And she was pissed cause while she was out with COVID, she’s posting herself going on walks with her dog, going to the gym (unmasked), doing yoga… basically living it up for the gram. We were pissed, lmao.

Anyway after a month and a half, she shows back up to the office. Nobody is really happy about it but oh well. I go into her office to say welcome back.

My pettycopter flew cause I opened my mouth and said, “hey Typhoid Mary, how’s it going?”

She laughed, I laughed, we chatted for awhile, I caught her up on the work we did for her while she was out, that was it. She left her office shortly after.

Well, later that day, my boss comes in my office shaking. I have never seen her that mad. I ask her what’s up, and she tells me “that bitch reported you to HR over a joke” and that I’m suspended until she can pull whatever strings she can to get me back in office. I just nod, pack up my immediate things and leave.

HR calls me in to talk to me about the insensitive things I said and how I violated HIPPA by exposing her medical history… to only her in her office apparently, but whatever.

A week passes and my boss calls me and said despite going all the way to the CEO and ripping assholes in the company president and everything, she can’t reverse the decision and I’m fired.

Should I have said that? Probably not. Do I regret it? Not really. LMFAO sure, I’ve been unemployed and very poor since then but like… I got to finish my book. I got started on my own otome. I reclaimed my life in a lot of ways. Yeah, it’s been stressful in some ways but I wasn’t gonna go anywhere in that job and I was being taken advantage of like whoa.

Also, the executive got fired after that cause her own shenanigans caught up with her. She used company funds for her own personal projects. LOL

I’m looking for another job rn but it’s a bad time to try to get back into the job force as we’re on the way to a recession LOL But still, no regrets!

I felt bad about it at first tho. I’ve never gotten fired before, lol. And it sucks to give 7 years of your life to a company who won’t even give you benefit of the doubt. But… everything happens for a reason, I guess. LOL

So anyway, I am sorry for your loss of income but I don’t think you’re less of a person because you got fired. Ima pray you find a better job with a bigger paycheck in the future!

[lightspren]

also I’m realizing I use this in lieu of actual therapy so most of the time i’m bitching about horrible things so TIME FOR GOOD THINGS

I went out to lunch with a friend - who wasn’t my spouse lmao - for the first time in ages. It was great. will do again sometime.

on that note i made a FRIEND outside the internet. mind boggling. didn’t think i had the skills to do that anymore, thought they’d atrophied to nothing. (imagine lots more enthusiasm here I am trying to keep it toned down a little bit bc friend is Here. but also just imagine all the above that i said coming out of a megaphone in rainbow text and sparkle trails and you’ll have roughly the level of happy im at) (if you see this uh, hello friend! i’m very chill and normal!)

had a nice dinner with my in laws (which they also paid for so +1 to whole experience) and it went well. good for my spouse to get to see them too, since his mom is getting surgery soon on her hand which will limit travel, then I will be getting my surgery which will limit travel, and it’ll be like Sept before we could plan to get together again

my cats seem to be acting healthier and more normal the last couple of days. So even if the fleas are still Around I think they’re dwindling upstairs. 100% still planning on going thru with nuclear warfare aka exterminator, my sanity needs that. But the cats are happier already and when they’re consistently being normal it makes me less scared of them and more willing to interact since they’re probably not a mobile flea palace presently

found out i’ve net deductible and almost met out of pocket with my insurance, so the hysterectomy should only be like $600. which is still way more money than I have but it’s a manageable bill at least.

getting people trained for helping cover me when i’m out is going well. Both the ppl I’m training on halves of my jobs pick it up great. Which really says a lot about them because i SUCK at teaching LOL. Gonna spend the next few weeks reviewing the stuff i’ve already taught them, but i’m Less worried about the clinic going up in smoke while i’m out for a few weeks

my tomato plants are getting huge and i’m so excited. I think i’m gonna have a fuckton of tomatoes, which is what I wanted.

My asthma has been in a phase of largely controlled, which I’m grateful for bc being short of breath when just like. sitting. suuuuuuucks. so bad.

i am still thoroughly enjoying totk, it’s so much fun and makes me very happy.

i think, once we get this flea thing sorted out, I’ll be in a fairly good place. i was already doing some better the past couple days with the cats acting more normal, and with both of us having cleaned the house and not run into mutant swarms of evil flesh eating spider-bug-ants intent on my demise. just gotta get through next week, and hope his treatment can purge them soundly from the basement.

anyway. there’s the rambly positive updates. life goes on etcetc. hugs and kisses bye

[livikattt]

daily fun but useless ppau fact #10

aka "EVERY JOKE/EASTER EGG IN ONE DAY YOU'LL WISH YOU HADN'T"

I'm putting it under a read more because it's long af (because... my dumbass.... makes a lot of jokes. if u didn't notice.)

chapter one: wish (soraka r)

“Not a single sign that the Rift’s champions, those gods amongst men, had ever been there at all.”

This was a vague reference to Damwon’s championship skins where they had wanted to appear as gods coming down from the heavens, if I remember correctly.

-

“And Faker would never be enough of a fool to trust someone who once lived in his shadow.”

Faker is (kind of) Zed in this au, so this is secretly a joke. ha ha.

chapter two: you and me (yuumi w) (get it? because meiko's skin is yuumi? i'm not funny ahahahah)

“Hmm,” Jiejie begins, his eyes wandering as he thinks. “I think Meiko would have wished for something to make him an even better support than he already is. Viper probably wished that he’d never miss a shot, and Flandre definitely wished for some magic that’s better than that smoke thing he does. That, or to be able to do this his entire life. Who knows?”

Two out of three isn't bad :)

-

“But Jiejie,” Scout says, intentionally mispronouncing his name. “How can you even be tired?”

I explained this in the end notes already, but Scout pronounces Jiejie’s name like 姐姐, which means older sister. Credit to my friend that only referred to Jiejie as “big sister” all throughout Worlds 2021. Bro is gonna fail Chinese III.

-

“Breathe, Yechan. Breathe.”

I’m pretty sure Scout is the only one to be referred to by his real name by his teammates, if you don’t count the introductions in the first EG fic. Generally, I try to avoid their real names, since it starts to feel a bit awkward once I’m writing about Ryu Minseok and not Keria or something. It’s too personal for me.

(Edit a few days later: I forgot about Miky but c’mon, I was not about to refer to him as “Mikyx” the entire fic)

(Edit a few more days later: Gumayusi got full name’d, shit is going down)

(Edit a few more more days later: everyone getting full name'd now this is not a drill)

-

quick tw for death but when my mom was crying to me about her dad's last wishes i. i kind of. i kind of went "AYO WHAT DID I HAVE MEIKO DO IN ODYWYH TO COMFORT SCOUT I NEED TO KNOW" and just tried to channel whatever he did

im that emotionally constipated kill me

chapter three: end of the line (graves q)

“He plays Teamfight Tactics until he sees stars when he blinks.”

Perhaps in this universe Riot Games is truly a small indie company…

-

“Scout tries to scream, but without the room to expand his chest, all that comes out is the faintest whine.”

This was tested to make sure it was an accurate depiction. I got sleep paralysis once when my sister was audibly on a call in the room over. I tried to scream. Didn’t work. The sound I made was actually very embarrassing. (it is ok to laugh at me for my sleep paralysis experiences. they are funny in hindsight. for more tips on how to handle sleep paralysis just hmu)

-

“We’ll go to Europe, then. I’ve heard there’s a retired Summoner that can suppress someone’s abilities. Maybe he’ll be able to suppress the Rift’s blessing as well.”

Some of you (by which i mean aryasage) caught it already, but this is a reference to Caedrel. In a different version, Scout’s response is, “No, he’ll just cancel it.”

chapter four: moonlight vigil (aphelios r)

“He’s not stupid—he knows what sleep deprivation does to people. (He’s read the Russian sleep experiment creepypasta, after all.)”

Somehow I doubt he would have been able to get his hands on that one, but whatever. Either way it’s kind of terrifying, and if it was true, this fic would go in a very different direction. Would not recommend it if you're scared easily or if you spend too much time thinking about everything that could go wrong.

-

“Telling the whole story to the rest of his team is quite possibly the hardest thing Scout’s ever done, if he ignores the past week or so.”

-

“You look like shit.”

In a different version, Scout absolutely snaps at Jiejie and then proceeds to verbally and emotionally obliterate him. I kind of wish I had been able to keep it in, since I thought it was kind of fun in a “haha angst goes brrr” kind of way, but it didn’t really fit in with the rest of the chapter.

-

“Scout sniffs, gratefully accepting the tissue someone hands him. He’s been going through a lot of those lately, despite it being November.”

Is there even a no-nut November equivalent in China??? Either way I thought I was hilarious in the moment.

-

“Forcibly inducing sleep (aka punching Scout in the head) is out too once Viper mentions brain damage, even if Meiko insists he can fix it.”

They don’t test this theory, but Meiko is 100% confident that his magic can repair brain damage. In the end, they decide it’s not worth finding out.

ppau leak: this comes up later

-

I spent thirty minutes googling how to meditate just to write this chapter. Worth.

-

“Scout tries to respond. His body doesn’t move an inch. Somewhat deliriously, he imagines himself as a meme. Aw, shit. Here we go again.”

-

‘“You need to relax.” Jiejie leans forward, holding two fingers to Scout’s head. “And trust me. Do you trust me?”’

Jiejie quotes Evelynn here for no other reason than He Can.

chapter five: harrowed path (viego e)

“Forgiveness is a bitch, and so am I.”

My English teacher wouldn’t let me use this line in my personal essay, so I put it here instead.

-

“It’s then that Scout realizes they’ve been moved from the couch to someone’s room, where two twin beds have been haphazardly shoved close to each other.”

no homo [lolrpf shippers I'm looking at u.]

[082112]

I told Nirali today that I decided to leave Outer Coast.

Context: for the past week or two I’ve been having horrible anxiety and it’s brought up all these horrible things inside me. I was afraid I was socially deficient and that I was vain and unimportant and had something wrong with me and would be consigned to a life of being secondary and being lonely, and perceived even normal activities or coincidences as slights against me from people or from the universe. I wanted to leave, and I told my parents and all my friends back home. I’ve been quite short and terse in classes this entire week to all my teachers. Yesterday after crying in front of Nirali admitting just a tiny fraction of this, I called home and then typed out a long rant while crying, lying perfectly horizontal facing the wall in my bed, until my literal eyeballs hurt. I showed up 5 minutes late to SB meeting clearly having bawled out my eyes too. Some excerpts from said rant:

gonna drop out of this microcollege because it’s actually been destroying my mental health and self image for the past few weeks

and i’m constantly convinced something is wrong with me socially

how violently angry and petulant my reaction [to being extended an offer to connect and spend time together with a teacher] was is a clear sign i’m not okay and clearly have some unmitigated issues. but every experience of someone else in my cohort having friends or a good time seems to me like clear evidence that i’m a social failure who isn’t strong enough to see what i do through (re: dropping out) and is cowardly enough to run away from things instead of actually confronting them

like. what if there’s something wrong with me and everyone that has loved me and chose to know me, ever, is because i got lucky

and the reasons i keep telling myself to stay are “i need a transcript from this microcollege so grad schools can see im not bumming around” “maybe my teacher here can write me a good letter of rec for grad school” “how am i gonna explain this to the x scholarship committee that my character and personal failings were so great I dropped out of something I intentionally walked into and was so excited for and told all my friends about when in fact I just acted like a huge petty loser at the end and ran away”

and my god. what if someone at this place saw through all the pleasant smiles and intellect and reflexive laughter and they saw the jealousy and insecurity and anger and fear. wouldn’t that be horrible?

I also texted Sun and Huitzilin about how I wanted to leave. Huitzilin actually told me about their experience too, which reinforced my decision, and I think by the end of the night I had made up my mind I was going to go.

Conversation excerpts from me, there:

Ugh. Is it crazy to feel like you’re losing your personhood? I feel like I should be experiencing the opposite at a place where we’re supposed to be learning radical new ways of understanding the world. But I keep on feeling like the opposite where I’m just a body with obligations to “community partners” and “class” instead of an actual conviction to do these things. And I was so excited originally too!

I also feel mildly insane for the thoughts of like “but no transcript?” (Said in the tone of no bitches? no head?) and like “if I only stayed for 10wks it doesn’t seem impressive enough as a full semester” and “what if everyone learns something life changing the day I leave and I am the only one who was left out on the Forbidden Mysterious knowledge” and shit 📲💁🏻‍♀️🤣👍😅😋👍

yes!! I have talked to my parents incessantly about this because like. I have ALL these reasons to stay. and I’ve been beating myself up over like not being excited enough about them or whatever

but at the same time the only thing that sort of makes me feel better is the thought of leaving

Which probably says something about like, how I’m doing. And maybe my need to go DESPITE all these fun shiny experiences I could have while staying

And so today I woke up having decided that I am going to leave, and lay in bed until around 11:30 just idly on my phone (cancelled my hatchery service and everything), called my mom to tell her I decided to leave, emailed Nirali for an extra meeting, took a shower, went to lunch, went to class.

In class we had some guests, and Matthew talked about a tough event that had happened yesterday - a pair of shoes belonging to a past SJ student was found on campus during construction - and so the Kiks.ádi clan was going to come today and do a ceremony. Our guest Yeilt’ooch’ Tláa shared a really beautiful phrase they used in the Yukon:

Which she wrote and I approached her after to annotate. She had this amazing air to her that felt so welcoming and kind and grateful and it made me feel very happy to talk to her briefly. I found it tremendously beautiful and moving. In this context she said it to the people of history, I think, the people that lived on SJ campus, and the idea that we will not leave you all behind - as in we will not forget you, we will not leave you behind in the past. But she says it’s used for many occasions in the Yukon, not just for the recognition and bearing of history. Teenagers, she said, will say it to each other. If you have a 12-year-old that is slow. If you have a group of people running together. Hél is another version of Tlél (lit. translation “not”), yee is the second person plural, nák_ is “to leave behind,” and gax_too.aat is “we will” + “go” (used in reference to multiple people, who are us).

I thought about this for a while and was moved. I think this is a sentiment I will carry too. It’s reassuring to hear. It makes you feel cared for. And it’s very powerful, too. I thought about all the ways I wanted to bear history and the people I did not want to leave behind in it: my family, my predecessors on this continent, people in the world whose legacy or way of being I inherit, in one way or another, unto myself. And then I started thinking about how I could co-opt this for graduate school admissions (Histories of women? Queerness? Diaspora? Some other buzzword?) and now as I write this I feel mildly terrible about that.

(Quick aside: being here has gifted me a beautiful lexicon. “Ways of knowing,” “ways of being,” “holding things,” and so on. Haa kusteeyí, I think they spell it in Tlingit. Not sure on that though.)

Anyway, after class I approached Nirali and told her that I had decided I was leaving, and she told me that I was a gift, to which I asked for a hug and tried very hard not to cry. And then she was off to the ceremony and I was off to sit in my room and browse the CSmajors Reddit. Matthew said there would be a drum circle down at the docks at 5 and so a little bit before 5 I went down to the docks. I saw the ceremony still going while walking down so I mildly but did not particularly expect them.

I sat on the dock and looked at the setting sun and listened to the Oh Hellos.

I also talked into the SSP server about said feelings. At this point I was having a really lovely day because I had learned that wonderful phrase earlier and the sunset and sitting on the dock was very beautiful. I noticed the tide was very low so I walked down the path next to the science center onto the beach. The water had receded further than I had ever seen before, maybe fifty feet back, and plenty of rocks with barnacles and seaweed and sea grass (I was rather taken by how pretty and silky it looked) and mussels were all exposed. I spent maybe 10 minutes walking in this low tide zone. I tried to climb a large rock but my shoes kept slipping and so I made a smart decision to slide on my butt back down. Then I freaked myself out by telling myself waterlines always recede dramatically before tsunamis and scampered back up to SJ campus. (I’m pretty sure tsunamis are also preceded by earthquakes and that we get notifications for them if we can detect them, but hey anxiety, my old friend.)

While walking back I saw the mountains behind SJ campus. I think it was one of the Sisters. They were tall and pink-shadowed and very beautiful.

I then met with one of my SSP mentees to work on her early action essays, had dinner, found out the drum circle happened ten minutes after I’d left, felt mildly betrayed, and met with my other SSP mentee. I called my mom briefly to tell her about how great of a day I’d had and how it made me feel conflicted about leaving again. Now I keep thinking: but today was so lovely. If I have days like today, I don’t want to leave. There must be many more beautiful things that are waiting in the future here. Won’t I be missing all these new ways of knowing?

Afterwards I went into Jazz’s room and tried to tell her about leaving, but Ben came in and asked us to go to Pell’s. Normally I would say no thank you. But I was thinking, I’m leaving and I haven’t even been to Pell’s. So we went to Pell’s (I wore 4 layers on top and 2 layers on the bottom). It was very cold.

The stars were very beautiful. I was informed that at Samsing cabin everyone could a) see even more stars, even the Milky Way and b) everyone smoked weed together. One part was surprising to me. I did not know that.

I then begged to go on the docks to see the stars better. Apparently the aurora was supposed to be visible on the horizon tonight, but the mountains and town are north and we did not see much. Ben suggested the tennis courts, so we lay down there and I told them that I wanted to leave. Neither of them seemed very surprised and both were very supportive. Then I told them about how I was having second thoughts because of how nice a day I was having, to which Ben empathized. “I had the most fun when I thought I was leaving,” he said. “It was because I thought fuck it and just started doing things.” I agreed. I had just done that with Pell’s.

We also made it a bit down to the docks (it was very slippery, as a thin sheet of frost was intermingled with the top layer of wood) before we went back to Yaw because the other two people had to piss. Afterwards we dragged 3 sleeping pads outside to lie in the grass and look at the stars more. I told Jazz a bit of how horribly I was feeling these past 2 weeks and how I was worried there was something wrong with me. She was very kind and was like, “why didn’t you tell me! It helps to have someone there for you!” to which I was only able to sort of say something about pride and fear and not being able to ask for things in the thick of it.

The truth is that I think I keep pride and fear (and a few other relatives) so intensely close to me, so constantly, that they become my silence. And I really need to work on that. I think I will stick it through and leave. And I know I am leaving because I had such an awful experience with mental health these past few weeks which made me so sad to be here, in such a beautiful place. And I know that that experience happened because I was in a hard place, and I have been carrying a lot of weight, and I need to learn to listen to myself and be more kind to myself. I am horrible and ruthless to myself and I really deserve better. I think I have many parts of myself that are wonderful and gentle and good. But when I get so into my head, all I can do is think about how horrible I am and how vain and shallow and insubstantial I think myself to be. And I don’t really deserve that.

So I think I’m going to follow through with leaving. I need to figure out how to tell the rest of SB and staffulty. To be honest, I kind of really don’t want to. Especially after such a good day. And the kindness and warmth people bring on purpose here. Ben said that it’s hard to leave community. It’s hard to find a place where people genuinely care for you like they do here. And I think that is very true. I wish I spoke to staffulty more, picked their brains more, asked them more questions. But perhaps if I had stayed here and hurted I still would have left unsatisfied and resentful and unconnected. In this sense I think I would like to try again (not necessarily by repeating any experiences, but trying again as in connecting with others again) once I work with myself a little more.

I will miss this tremendously. Already I have a fear that I will never find a place like this in the world again. But I also think it is not wrong to go home. To rest - truly rest - and to ask myself how I can begin to heal. I don’t want to frame this as me blaming myself for ruining this experience with my weakness with respect to mental health or fortitude. Rather just that I am hurting. That is not a fault of mine. It’s hard for me to believe this, even as I’m typing this out in live time. But this is the truth. I did not blow this for myself because I am weak. Instead I am taking care of myself because I have been hurting for a long time. And Outer Coast is not perfect. There is a lot they could have done better. But I do not regret coming here at all. I have acquired many really wonderful experiences and ways of knowing. And I think I have taken a step in the direction of understanding myself the way I did before I went to MIT. That is very lovely and I am glad for it.

I think a lot of the questions are: how do I be truly, actively kinder to myself? How do I live and accept myself as-is? How do I stop taking everything and blaming it on myself as a personal failing? How do I begin to let go of pain? How do I learn to live in the present instead of running towards the future?

Oh, if only not for my stack of unread books… how am I gonna pack everything?!!

[n0toverit]

huge vent feel free to ignore

okay day is now becoming kinda bad day esp with everything that’s happened recently i haven’t worked in like two weeks bc quit old job to go to new job bc i got a car which is literally everything i worked for at old job like saving 550-650 per check so i could get a car and then i got in an accident so i have no car which is the whole reason i went to new job interview and got the job that o was so happy and so excited for and now i have no car so i got all used to having my own time and doing things in my own not asking if i can be dropped of here or if i can be brought there i could just do it on my own and i was able to see bf twice a week instead of once bc he wasn’t the only one driving all the way to me and back every week but now i get more info on new job just to find out my kinda ex friend at this point that works there told me ppl wear jewelry and have their nails and lashes done blah blah so i give myself a fresh set of acrylic nails this past weekend, i would have had lashes but that was the day of the accident just for the email to say no perfume/cologne, no jewelry whatsoever (rings of any sort, earrings, bracelets,watches) no makeup, no hair or eyelash extensions, no acrylic nails or nail polish, and above all that said that if you violate any part of the dress code you’ll be sent home and have training rescheduled for the next week which mine was already rescheduled bc the class i was supposed to be in on the 5th got too full so they moved me to the 12th now i have to remove a basically full fresh set of acrylics and take off all of my jewelry including my ring from my boyfriend which means the most to me i literally cried the one day i forgot to put it back on a couple weeks ago after washing my cat and then take out all 3 sets of earrings i have and possibly lose the 3rd holes entirely that i only got making sure with that friend that i would be able to wear at least just regular plain earrings and not have to take them out and she said yes they shouldn’t say anything so not only was i basically fully lied to but i have only a few days to figure out what to do with all my stuff idk if they’ll let me in with clear piercing retainers or not i’ll have to see how they look cause i’m not sure if i’ll have my hair up or not this is all so disappointing and upsetting with the fact that i’m pretty sure all week i’m gonna have to uber home too cause they’re doing it on a tuesday when my regular schedule has me off from sunday -tuesday and alternating wednesdays i’m happy i have the job and it’s a better working place than the last job i had especially since i know i won’t be doing 3diff ppls jobs and playing manager through the week but i wish the stupid accident didn’t happen and my stupid friend wasn’t so stupid if i can even call her a friend at this point we had this not rlly huge but idk falling out argument whatever that she complains how she feels like i don’t want hang out with her anymore or that i spend all my time with my bf who i’ve only been able to see 2-3 times a week IF IM LUCKY but normally once a week on tuesdays for over a year but she thinks i spend all my time and days off with him when he lives 45mins away from me or that i don’t wanna hang out with her when she leaves me on seen and delivered for weeks and at time and she thinks it’s like a hehe oopsies i did to that didn’t i like it’s so annoying and irritating i’ve actually fully stopped talking to her bc of it she said she was gonna be better about it and she hasn’t changed anything so i just stopped talking to her fully because it’s sad and annoying esp seeing as we were best friends since we were like 10-11 and now she just pretty much lies or pays so little attention and practically ignores me everything g is so upsetting recently i just wish i still had my car and never made that stupid appointment and that i had better friends when at this point my only friend is my boyfriend if he even really counts and maybe one other person but we can’t even really hang out now cause i don’t have a car anymore