#i’ve been here 1.5 hrs and this is great

[chelseasdagger]

i’m at work and a guy just body shamed me and sexualized me in the same sentence. i wanna go home

[defilerwyrm]

hi! I've come asking questions about transition (as a trans boy) more specifically, you mentioned that you've used both testosterone cream and injections.

Do you mean the cream/gel kind of HRT that is used once daily? If so, I was wondering whether you noticed any difference in the uptake or changes in the rate of your transition compared to injections. Did changes happen at the same rate as injections or a bit slower, since I've heard there can be problems of the skin not absorbing T as well as injections. Do you have any personal experiences of this?

Also if it's not too personal, which kind of HRT are you on now (injection/cream) and why did you choose to stick with it, if that was your own choice? (ik there can be insurance/supply issues that might affect it)

Howdy! So: this was a ride.

My first provider (not naming names, but she’s a doctor who works in downtown Austin) gave me two choices: find time to take a 1- to 1.5-hour round trip downtown, pay the $20 copay, and have a nurse give me an injection every single week; or use a daily cream from a compounding pharmacy that delivered. For reasons of time and money, I went with the cream.

I was on it for a year; I don’t remember my dosage exactly, but it was something like two clicks of a finicky dispenser. I was on it for a solid year and the only change that occurred was I got a couple more annoying, embarrassing PCOS hairs on my throat. Absolutely nothing else. Meanwhile, every 3 months or so I’d express my frustration with this to my doctor, and she’d just tell me to be patient. Or, you know, come in and pay the copay every week instead.

Now any number of things could have been going on here. She could have had me on a comically-low dose (I really have zero memory of what it was). My biochemistry could have overpowered or resisted it. The compounding pharmacy could have been bullshit. Who knows.

By comparison, right around three months on testosterone cypionate injections, my voice broke and I started sprouting facial and body hair in spades.

Between what my second HR provider (the one who got me onto cypionate) and other trans men I’ve heard from have said, the gel version is a much slower ramp-up usually because you’re adding T to your system in small, daily doses, and the cream version seems to be pretty uncommon; both of them are better if you really want to ease into the changes instead of just getting the whole second puberty thing over with, or if you’ve already been through testosterone-dominant puberty and just need to maintain your levels.

Since July 2017 I’ve been on a weekly 0.4 mL injection of 500 mg/mL testosterone cypionate. It was pretty challenging at first with my phobia of hypodermic syringes, but I’ve inured myself to it over time. My habitual injection site has also acclimated to it so that there’s literally no pain at all if I get myself in just the right spot, so that’s pretty great; and using the bathroom mirror instead of looking directly at myself has proven a great little trick to hoodwink my brain about what’s going on, thus reducing my anxiety about it a great deal.

I’ve stuck with it because it gets results, it’s a lot less messy and aggravating than a topical treatment, getting the right dosage is MUCH easier, it’s become a little ritual of sorts, and I only have to remember it ONCE a week instead of seven times. It’s also lessened my anxiety when I have to get blood drawn or have IVs in (though I still really fuckin’ hate IV lines). YMMV, but for me, it’s been a great experience overall.

We’re not gonna talk about the thinning hair, though. -_- One more crappy thing I inherited from my dad’s side, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s activated by testosterone….

[eelqueen]

going to start keeping track of emotions more here because i’ve been a bit blue the past few weeks and i think it’s worthwhile to keep an eye on it

things sort of started when my bike got stolen a few weeks back, i think the abrupt change from like 1.5 hrs of biking every day to 0 hours of exercise every day was really really hard on me. and of course dealing with all of the insurance bullshit has been really really difficult too, and finding a new bike, worrying about money, etc etc. so there are reasons why i’m feeling blue and i need to remind myself it’s not just the inevitable tide of depression creeping back into my life. i am also probably more worried than i should be about buying a bike that is going to cause me pain again. but i am spending like, as much as i would on a shitty used car on a bicycle. so it’s sort of important!

my university has also emailed me saying they’re going to deactivate my email account since i’m not enrolled anymore, and that has sort of just reminded me of the fact that i have to finish my masters at some point. i have to!! i literally HAVE to finish. i am not letting all of my time and effort go to waste. today is not the day for me to revisit my GCMS data but that day is probably soon!! maybe later today. i just swear to god i open R to look at the data and start crying every time. 

on top of all of that, i think i really need to be more conscious of my health and what i’m eating, and specifically i think i need to cut out caffeine and alcohol. i don’t drink that much during the week but i have been drinking too much in one sitting during weekends and it’s not great! that will be really easy to deal with though. i think stopping doing something rather than starting to do something (meditation, yoga) is a lot harder. this is going to be more and more important as i am losing access to my adhd medication (which my mom had been mailing to me from the US)

and ofc the cherry on top is just being VERY incredibly stressed about being attracted to my coworker, but that is fading at least? i think?

all in all... it’s been a stressful month or two. i think i have done a good job of not letting it affect my life too much, but there’s always room for improvement of course. moving forwards, i want to be more mindful of my mood and do a better job of inhabiting my body. money will become less of an issue soon, i hope. and summer is so lovely and i need to remind myself that i live in an awesome place and have lovely friends. so just bookmarking that for now! 

[irisdateadventures]

The Presumptuous Priest

I really wanted to do all of the dates in order but this is just going to have to go first because it's probably the one that gave me the most visceral reaction of all of the dates I've had so far and it wasn't even a date per se -- It was a phone call!

A 3 hour phone call to be precise!

Now, I love phone conversations. And I was so psyched about meeting a guy who equally likes phone convos as much as I do. So we were chatting on the dating app ( I don't want to say which since he might be found) and he asked if we could schedule a phone conversation and I was excited.

So the scheduled time came and our conversation started off pleasant. He seemed like a genuinely sweet and really cool guy! He didn't really hide that he was a priest and how passionate he was that he made his own church and he writes his own music for the church etc. He expressed that he didn't really share the same hobbies as me but! He was absolutely open on sharing them with me. Really cool really sincere. He didn't even bat an eye when he said that I was divorced or that I don't practice my faith or really share the same religious views as him.

And then after a really pleasant 1.5 hr convo things started to go downhill when he started asking deeper questions and I asked him questions that were very important to me (since he was already asking very deep questions about me right away, - I get that he doesn't want to waste his time since he was in his 30s and never been married but like 😒).

I made it known that I was an active member of the BDSM community and I have many friends that are dear to me that I have slept with. And knowing his faith and his firm belief in no premarital sex, I had to put it out there to see if he was open minded about that with other people doing that. (This conversation, folks, should never happen the first time you talk to someone. But I would like to reiterate! He started it! I thought it was going to be a fun conversation!)

Y'all he automatically sounded so insecure and actually asked me if I had a casual sex partner arrangement with people right now. And y'all know me, I'm very honest about what I do and my intentions. An honest questions deserves an honest answer.

And so, I told him, "Yes, I do."

He actually had the audacity to ask me "How many right now?"

I did however saved him the pain and said "Only one." 🤭

Anyway, he said something along the lines of, "I don't think we can build a good relationship if you had that relationship at the same time. I think you're really great and It could still work. But If we were married, I would expect you to cut off all the ties and never talk to the friends that you had that arrangement with. Having sex with someone makes a 'heart connection'"

Oh no. Hard Stop. I told him, "Well, it's seems we're at an impasse." I refuse to have someone control who I can and cannot talk to. And besides what heart connection??? I've had sex with people I met after one date!

Anyway, he gets shocked that I would say that we were at an impasse and he proceeds to ask me how many children I want and I said "I only want 2."

He said (summarized) "No, I want 4, but we can have 3 instead to meet in the middle. We can also adopt but I want my first born child to be named after me (to be the third)."

Nope. Nope. Nope. I hate Juniors with a passion! I'm a delivery nurse and I deal with this shit all the time. No. And My Uterus! I get to have a say on how many children I carry even if I change my mind down the line and say no! I don't want any children.

I told him that won't work for me.

Then, he finally gets the feeling that Im not into him and actually, ACTUALLY said, "Well here's my final pitch to you..." Proceeds to tell me how great of a guy he is and how great our relationship could be, how I deserve to have a guy like him that will treat me well etc. And even if we winded up not dating, he'd still want to be my friend.

Honestly at this point, I didn't have the heart to interrupt his rant. I was also so tired since by this time we were talking for 3 hours and it was getting close to midnight. So In my tiredness, and because I felt really bad for him, I agreed to go on an in person date with him.

That conversation left me feeling extremely neauseous and disgusted. Like my life as a priest's wife flashed before my eyes. A non-satisfying sex life in which I can't even talk to my friends that I've made in the community I really love. No way.

So the next morning, he messaged me a flirty morning message and I canceled our date. Nausea gone.

[fizzingwizard]

;______; just heard that from September we’re gonna have three students in our cluster who are under 1 year old... (5 in the school total)

aaahhh im exhausted just thinking about it

and whats crazy is in one of the classes with under 1 yos there is a kid who is between 1-2 yo and she cannot walk yet. We have been trying to help her learn and have begun wondering if there is some reason beyond her mother just didn’t really encourage her to walk before. (Like maybe she needs leg braces etc.) So far no news on that but this kid only drags her feet around, obviously she needs constant help, and there are 12 other kids in the class, two of whom are under 1 and three teachers, HOW are they supposed to do it???

and the class that will have three under 1s has two first year teachers in it, that makes me so nervous... They’re both awesome coworkers, this is no shade on them, but under 1s can be TOUGH, it’s SO easy for them to get hurt. idk it feels like an accident waiting to happen.

i’ve been at schools where 5 students was an entire class, if we’re gonna have this many under 1s we should just have a class for them, come on! I love them but they are twice the work of kids on year older than them.

Also the recommended teacher-student ration for 1-3 yos is 1:6, which we abide by, but I believe it’s actually 1:3 or 1:4 when the kids are belong 18/12 mos. Apparently the head office does not care.

These kids are not in my class, I currently teach 2-3s, however I am a long care teacher and I look after them during morning and after care. I do their nap and their snack and play time supervision etc. From 10-2 they’re part of their class, but the rest of the day they belong to all of us.

More work ranting under the cut because I guess I just need to vent to the air.

And we have a LOT of students now - two clusters of going on 30 in each, in very small classrooms where the teachers are expected to watch them like a hawk AND keep constantly busy with numerous tasks at the same time.

Plus our prep time has been cut down this year despite additional work getting put on us, and we have no extra help.

If one teacher is out sick, no one gets prep time.

Don’t remember if I whined about this before, but a month or so ago we had a meeting in which the leader said “If you find you don’t have enough prep time, that’s on you to manage your time better.” It was super condescending and annoying. I’m like, dude, my contract says I get 1 hour prep and 1 hour break. We never ever EVER get the full two hours (and I should mention this is never consecutive, it’s 15 min here, 30 min there, 1 full hour if you’re really lucky). It’s usually at most 1 hr 45. But a 30 min break is fine! I’d love to take a 30 min break. Almost never do. Way too busy.

Like, I won’t get into it, but the laundry list of Stuff To Do recently has been ENORMOUS. In my class, I have 19 students. One of my co-teachers is part time, meaning she’s not around to help during much of prep time, and the other is a leader meaning she’s constantly in meetings or doing leader assignments. They are both fantastic co-workers, but yeah, this means I do ALL the class stuff. I prepare all the crafts, I do a ton of the organizing, and I’m often the only teacher from my class available in the afternoons because part-time teacher went home and leader teacher is in a meeting. So I end up with a lot of the after care stuff.

We have to hand out these big projects that teachers are responsible for preparing for each student on 8/16. We know these are coming and prep for them as soon as possible, but like, I won’t get into this either lol, but it’s so hard. It’s time-consuming by itself, and made worse because all the school computers are crap (like takes-15-min-to-start, another 10 to open the browser, 5 to go to the website, then it freezes, then 5 more, another freeze, etc) and like you have 15 min break time hahahahaha.

I wanted to get such a head start that I just started doing what I could back in the beginning of the year but we lit can’t do the bulk of the work until a certain kind of envelope is delivered and that doesn’t come till summer for some stupid reason. Soooo our long prep days in April when there are no kids around... can we use those to prep for this project? Heck no!

Anyway. This year’s is due on 8/16. This coming week we are off for obon break. This year also, the company is doing the project slightly differently. Instead of staggering what class gives out their projects to their students when, we all have to do it at once. We are our company’s biggest school, sooo my honest thought is no one at the head office thought about us when they made this change. The other schools don’t have to stagger anyway, they have at most two classes. We have four.

So this means everyone is printing their projects at the same time. For one student, you need 10 sheets on A3 paper. For my class of 19, that is 190 sheets of paper. For four classes, we’re over 700 sheets total. THAT IS A LOT OF PAPER.

So I get to work this morning and boss says “Yeah so we’re out of A3 paper.”

!!!

IT’S DUE MONDAY.

There was a little bit left so I just charged and printed as much of my stuff as I could in the morning before anyone else could. Then, miraculously, another packet of A3 paper appeared out of nowhere, and we were able to print most of the rest of our students’ projects. (My coworker who is a leader has not printed hers yet because she is super busy and isn’t finished. Again, she’s an awesome coworker, I wish I could have helped her more, but uh, I’m also swamped and not taking breaks, so. Hopefully she can do it before we really do run out of A3 paper.)

Getting more paper is no big deal, it’s just that no one has the time, and this is due Monday.

So I was super stressed. Sooooo super stressed for such a dumbbbb reason. And I don’t understand why these projects have to go out on Monday anyway. Some kids don’t even come to school on Mondays. Like. Just make sure they get them next week, isn’t that good enough?? Why make us stress and panic.

Everyone else seemed fine though, I was the only one tearing my hair out because I’m the type who finishes everything a day early so I have a day to check it over... I am not spontaneous and I hate to rush...

I lit told my coworkers, because regardless of the paper situation we are still behind because we have not had any time to organize the projects, that I will just stay late tomorrow to do it. It’s the Friday before a break so I don’t mind too much. I am really tired tho and would of course rather just go home and sleep but. I’ve done this before. Finishing up this project will take 1.5 hours - 2 hours at the current state it’s in, IF I can just sit down and do it uninterrupted. (Have I mentioned these projects are HEAVY?? And there’s 19 of them?? It’s a big job just to take them out and start putting them together >.<)

So tomorrow evening that is what I will likely be doing -.-;

There are INNUMERABLE other STUPID parts of this project - the idea behind it is great, but the way we are required to make it is absolutely bonkers and desperately needs a revamp but does anyone listen to a preschool teacher? heck no lol

uggh.

I feel better after venting tho.

I like my job, I just wish humans in general gave a shit, not even about quality of life (since obvs that’s expecting too much lol, also as a person with privilege I’m aware I’ve already got it pretty darn good), but just about not making jobs that are ridiculous. Just plan them out better, sheesh. There’s no reason for all this running around. The projects don’t need to be printed. Or they don’t need to be so huge. They don’t need all this fuss and nonsense. They are a good idea, but we could do them in a way that would be sooo much less stressful.

(The funniest part of all being, it’s a project for the parents mainly, and the parents... don’t like it x’D No they really don’t. They are happy to have the project, but first they’ve got to get it home, and it is HUGE and HEAVY and UNWIELDY lmao. And some of them are carrying twin 2 year olds and both of their futons home as well, and we’re like “here you go, two giant projects for you to take home!” And the parents are like “thanks????”)

[nyruratchet]

Time...

“...Why you punish me?”

So, I explained last time the situation regarding the creation of my music...monetarily. But let me explain and expand on how my time is utilized on a monthly basis.

If I haven’t made it clear, I hate my job. But here’s the thing, it’s flexible (for the most part), has benefits: (insurance, free-ish air travel, scheduled pay increases). Cons: passengers are allowed to treat crew like shit, always working with new people (that you may not mesh well with), anyone you try establishing a relationship with has pre-conceived notions/little to no faith you will ever be around, pay SUCKS until you get REALLY senior (7+), and...more, but I digress. But that flexible schedule, albeit limited, has afforded me the ability to work on music; until it doesn't. 

See, I was getting “comfortable” in my work situation a few years ago until certain a situation beyond my control forced me into deep debt, bad credit, and deeper depression. In order to fix all of this, money is needed. How do u get money? Work more. More work leads to more depression and sometimes health issues. So, I’ve been stuck in this seamlessly endless cycle of paycheck to paycheck living. And my desire and NEED to work on my music has not helped it (as explained in the previous blog post). Every time I get a bit more money, it goes to my craft. 

See, after you put all that money into creating art, you have to then put it OUT there. And in the case of a performer, you need to do live performances. That is a whole other situation in itself. There are lots avenues to get live performance experience. Open mics, concert showcases, live cabaret/karaoke bars, etc. Guess what THEY ALL COST MONEY. But not only money, LOTS of excess time is involved. 

This past spring, I was dragged into a showcase by my producer friend (who I’m partially in love with but he’s straight...but that’s another story). In order to do a showcase, you have to apply for acceptance. Applications involve you submitting current work and having a worthy social media following (which you have had to spend constant time building). Once you fill out the application, send the files and info, PAY your entry fee ($25) and receive your acceptance, you then have to sell tickets. Yes, how do they get people to come to the showcase? By having YOU bring them. And if you cannot find people to buy your tickets, all of those tickets come out of YOUR pocket. So, I was given 25 tickets to sell (last minute mind you); 25 tickets to sell at $20 bucks each. So, if I don't sell them, I owe the company $500 dollars. Yup, that’s correct. In order for me to perform my original content on their stage, I needed to make sure they got their $525 and help them get people in the venue so that they buy drinks at the bar (which we were given ZERO drink tickets for). Now before stepping on stage, you don’t get a sound check. So, you show up early before everyone to check in and simply check they have your correct music file(s) then wait...and wait...and wait. But your music has to be edited within their restrictions (this means more studio time. Remember, studio time =more $$...just making sure ur following me. Too many times you’ll hear big recording artists talking about how they have just sat in studios for hours creating a song from scratch. Yeah, only if you are signed to major label is this a thing! But anyway...back to the showcase.) 

Needless to say, I did everything I needed to. But I had some help since I asked to do this last minute and told them UP FRONT they would have had to get that unsold ticket money from me in blood. I landed from working a redeye the day before, got a nap in, did my vocal exercises in my car on my way to New Jersey, checked in and sat there. Since some people didn't show up on TIME, I was abruptly grabbed from drinking my whiskey at the bar and told “YOU’RE ON NEXT!”  Being the seasoned professional that I am, took that shot to the head, said “Actually, that’s not my slot...but ok, I’m ready.” NO SOUND CHECK, NEVER given TIME on the stage beforehand...I went on. Sung my ass off with a standing ovation from the judges. Then, went back to drinking with my friends who were in shock because they had never heard me really sing live. Then I had sit for HOURS while mediocre “rappers” and “singers” rapped over pre-recordings of their own vocals. Finally, they were ready to announce the winners. I won that sucker.

But what did I win? ...A promise to be put into another show... *DICK FACE*  No money to recoup what I just spent getting to this moment. No free promotion on social media to help me and my art. NO, some bullshit. So, I took the experience fore what it was and cut my losses. I got some exposure and was able to test out an unreleased song...but besides that. Nothing but wasted time and effort. I left there feeling somewhere between elation and disappointment. Not to mention, I was exhausted; I had done all this after working my full time job, and had to work again the next day. So all I had time to do was drive home and sleep. 

“Like a wave bashing into the shore...

Since this, I have had some money issues and mental health issues, so I have just barely been able to work on music. On my days off, I have to sleep and get back in the groove of being a real person instead of a redeye zombie. Then when I’m feeling slightly normal, I’m back to work...it is a vicious, irritating, restraining cycle. I’ve tried working shorter flights so I’m home more; nope, the pairings (schedules) for those flights work you in a way that leaves you feeling raped. My company will build a pairing with a duty time of 27hrs and only pay you for 15-17 of those hours. DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Then on top of that, your rest time at the hotel is set to 11hrs...WTF?? 

Let me explain this for those of you with normal jobs. On these pairings, you are schedule to work a number of flights each day. So, 3 day pairing means you work 3-4 flights each day and have 2 layovers. Now lets say FLIGHT time is 1.5-2.5 hrs each (8-12hrs). Then you land from your final flight for day one. We’re usually delayed at our carrier...honestly, rarely on time. So, you have minimum rest at 11hrs. BUT, before you can leave the aircraft we have to get all passengers off the plane, CLEAN the seats, wait on our shuttle which is probably late if your pilots are sucky human beings and haven’t called ahead to make sure they’re there (Pilots aren’t required to clean; just us lowly peasants). So, by the time you get to the hotel, down to 10hrs. If you get there and rooms are ready, great. IF NOT, another 20-30 min or longer. But, lets say you’re down to 9.5hrs now. Get to your room. Hopefully your key works, air/heat works, no one is already in you room (yes...it happens all the time), room already cleaned, no bed bugs, and you aren’t by a noisy ice machine/elevator. You then have to shower and eat. Let’s say you get all that done in an hour. You now have 8.5 hrs to sleep...BUT WAIT, the van is scheduled to pick you up from the hotel 45 min to an hour before you are supposed to report at the airport and you need to be dressed and ready to make that van. So instead of 8.5hrs, you actually have 7hrs at best to sleep and pop outta bed, get dressed and properly ready to do the shit show all over again; all the while, knowing they are really only paying you for the time you spend on the aircraft, AFTER THE DOOR IS CLOSED AND THE BRAKE IS RELEASED. Time before like boarding, checks, delays? nope...no pay. Just us waisting our fucking time. Literally.

Why, is this? cuz everyone does it is the answer. That is how all airlines do it, so you have no leg to stand on. Got a union, the company retaliates like a reprimanded toddler. Now as I said before, once you get to be a super senior in your company and can choose what you want to work, when you want to work, in the position you want to work, getting $40/hr at base hours and a crazy amount for premium (overtime) hour, etc. the job is GOLDEN. (Unless that company gets purchased/merged.) But for a young person/flight attendant in debt, living in NYC, with a high cost of living, life ain’t fun. I tried living in New Jersey for a lower cost; that came with its own issues. I’ve taken out loans, became a hermit to save money, worked holidays, etc. Dug my hole deeper is what I did. And I’m pretty good at setting goals and managing my time and getting things DONE. But for some fucking reason, life is not working in my favor. This job is not working for me. I see younger people coming up behind me doing LITTLE to no work, getting musical accolades with trash “music” (I know, matter of opinion...but really. C’mon now), young white/latino/asian twinks shaking their ass for anything that breathes and getting rich men to pay their bills or marry them, all the while telling me they just want my BBC or other racist BS like that (Yes, I have receipts) and I’m just like WTF AM I DOING WRONG?! Have I spent my time stupidly? 

And the most recent shit that really hurt my feelings: If any of you remember (to the three of you reading this lol), a few months ago I posted about help getting into bartending. Well, I had actually asked a friend in person before that about bartending and if he knew any directors who could do a music video. This “friend” told me “no, not really”. Didn’t know anything about that, he just does movies and short films (which I’ve donated to his kickstarters for btw...) but no one who he thinks does music videos. THEN, I asked this same “FRIEND” how much he would charge to be IN a music video, as I had a song (the one I won the showcase with) that he would be perfect for as it deals with subject matter he rallies for. I wanted to help his career out in turn by help my video out, because I’m ugly and having beautiful actors in my video would be a better sell (as again, I need this song to make money. He then tells me me, he’s not sure how much he would charge for that. SEVERAL MONTHS LATER...this bitch releases a music VIDEO to his NEW SINGLE about a SIMILAR SUBJECT!! Without promotion, he gets instant 2.2k hits on the video on youtube. MIND YOU, he would always be shy to sing around me and I told him, “you need to give yourself more credit. You have a beautiful voice.” Meanwhile, I’m asking for some knowledge from him, and he wouldn’t help me with ANYTHING. I have NEVER asked for a hand out. Just tell me where the door is, I will get in even if I have to pick the lock. But he not only pretended he didn’t know where the door was, he was holding the keys, had lock picks on the side and duplicates to share; But, for whatever reason...didn’t want to share that with me. Even though, I was going to include him in MY art without any thought and was willing to pay. Now, I have some thoughts on why he did this. But seeing as I’m on the verge of tears, I’ll end on that note.

...You wash away my dreams.”

[kpopandstarwarswhynot]

My insane ramblings about Jungle Park by @jimlingss - part 1

.‘Hi! I don’t usually do this. Actually, this is my first time doing it but tumblr doesn’t have a solid comment section like AO3 so I decided to leave my comments here on the ten chapters released so far.

My insane ramblings about Jungle Park by @jimlingss​

Chapter 01 - reader (me) was surprised to see that the main character was a taxi driver! It was a very good surprise tho, I like small unique touchs like this. She could have been a waitress and bartender or any job that had shifts, but you chose something different and I'm curious to know if it was random or not? *pensive reader*. I felt sorry for her with those party girls, because I totally knew she was going to throw up. I felt sorry for Jimin too, dealing with all the office BS just because Hoseok Sunshine (reader says that sarcastically), is too scary. I loved how Jimin just left the problem there and walked out, he is too fed up at this point I can see.

Main character looking for a job is me, even the part where she sees an amazing job and thinks she wasn’t good enough. The Mc Donald’s’ interview got me laughing so har.  “Well, I’ve eaten at this franchise a lot.” I was in tears reading it. You are a great at doing fun dialogues. The old lady set her straight tho and she needed it.

Hoseok’s description was on point, completly perfect. I love his sun-kissed skin and sharp jawline. *reader is dreaming now*

She did great at the interview even thought she was very nervous and she was very bold at asking for the job like that, I like her personality.

I got surprised again to find out that they knew each other...I mean, Hoseok doesn’t remember it but something happened between them clearly. I’m very curious to know more about it.

To wrap this first chapter comment up, your writing is amazing and it really got me hooked since the beginning. So hooked, that I went to bed like 2 a.m. reading more of your fanfic.

Chapter 1.5 - Jennie, as in BLACKPINK’s Jennie? I’m curious to see if this part is going to fit somewhere down the road.

Chapter 02 - Annnnddd of course Hoseok didn’t pick anyone... why would he? He isn't the one hearing other people’s problems. “Is thee anyone who won’t give you a headache?” This was the winning line for Jimin, right there he got Hoseok. I’m glad Jimin exists !!

Poor M/C, she had to wait for a week just because Hoseok is a pain the buttocks. *I have anxiety, waiting kills me.*

Again, another suprise. A divorce law firm wasn’t what I was expecting. You are full of surprises for me I see :D.

I loved everyone in the office and I’m glad to see you are using a different recipe when comes to the support characters. You have actual characters, not just the boys and a close to friend tot he M/C like most fanfics. The lawyers law team is my favorite group, they are too funny for their own good. Also, I can see Sunyi and Yoongi’s banter making very funny scenes more ahead.

Hoseok was a huge dick saying that her office was a storage room, she didn’t need to know that. And, of course he didn’t gave her a proper training *roll eyes*, how she was supposed to do stuffs????

That is my girl! I loved that she didn’t dwell on the sad office/storage room situation. She went out and made it better!

Of course Jin would show up at the sight of food. That boy really loves food.

Have the feeling that she is going to get a lot of complains about Hoseok Sunshine (reader still says that sarcastically). And Sunyi complaining about Yoongi, here and there hehe. I was glad to see people going there and trying to talk to her a little bit.

Is Hosoek seriously wacthing her door like a hawk???? Doesn’t he had something better to do? *reader is judging* Jimin, in the other hand, is having the time of his life. Especially with Hoseok’s misery.

I don’t know why Jimin is suprised that Hoseok did nothing to proper prepare the M/C. Even I knew he wasn’t going to do shit. 

Jimin's words encouraged her to get a death setence kkkkkk.

Hoseok is a crontrol freak, a little survey isn’t going to get things out of control...

...okay, I said that a little too soon...

I can not, or maybe I can, that they are all outside Hoseok’s office hearing them fight. LOL

JIMIN RUNNING AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!

Chapter 03 - OMG! Hoseok is such a vindictive drama queen. I can not believe he is going to make her fire somoene just because she did a survey. Poor M/C and Kei, they were innocent there. I would cry with the secretary if I was in the M/C’s place. 

Poor thing, being called Hoseok’s henchman on her what? second day? third day? And she was almost making friends... *sad song playing*

The hiring interview dialogues was perfect! I loved every bit of it. You are a very creative person, I’m delighted with your writing.

He says “it is just a recepcionist” now. If she hires anyone he would kill her.

“Don’t complain to me when  I actually do my job.” HA IN HIS FACE! I’M LOVING HER.

The scene with her and everyone leaving was very sad... I just wanted to hug her. I like how she took some sad energy and transformed into something producitive.

Jimin is definitely having the time of his live!

I prefer gray to yellow but okay... I’m a black and white kind of girl.

Chapter 04 - Hoseok really enjoy putting her in difficult positions doesn’t he??? *reader glares at hoseok*

This Lisa girl really doesn’t like the M/C... I can not blame her. She was closer to Kei than she was form the M/C, so for her the M/C is the main villian.

I’ve been in Seubi’s place too. Being in a place that makes you unhappy isn’t the healthy. The M/C advice was really great.

oh shit, Hosoek is mad...And the girl quit already?? She was truly unhappy.

I can not believe she used the law to run way from the conversation. I’m deceased with that. HSAUSHAUSHAUHS Hosoek was clearly impressed and amazed with her, even thought he threatened to throw his mug at her.

OMG!!!! That bitch Kei! I was feeling bad for her but her attitude was completly childish. The M/C have a difficult life. Sweet side of Hoseok shows up. I loved to see him worried about her. I’m glad that people at the office didn’t say that she deserved it.

The gossips were the best LOL this always happens.

Trapped inside an elevator together, classic! I approve that scene. ^^

A PEEING CORNER? LOL I can not believe he mad a joke like that. Their entire light dialogue was perfection hun, I loved it. If I were to hightlight here my favorite lines, I would have to highlight it all because it was amazing.

Oh my, she is hiding stuffs about their past... I can feel it. I think they were more them just acquaintances.

Chapter 4.5 - THE TECHNICIAN SCENE WAS GOLD!

Chapter 05 - OHHH, she is still doing the taxi thing. But why? I mean, wasn’t the HR job supposed to help her get out of that life? Also, it is dangerous to drive while sleepy.

I loved her little revenge on the three stupid dudes tho...

The lunch thing...She was so excited, I felt really bad for her not being with her friends. In the other hand, she is going to lunch with the handsome Hosoek alone.

I love how their interations start stiff but end up being quite nice and natural in the end. Hoseok’s library story was the best kkkk.

She left her carrots for him? She stills cares for him I guess.

This was my opinion on the first five chapters. I didn’t want to write more than I could in a single post on tumblr.

If the author reads this: I’m totally in love with your fanfic. It is sweet and funny <3 

[undesired-attention]

Looking at cars is taking up way too much of my time for someone who still has a month until I start working full time

I was looking at Honda CR-V, Mazda CX-5, Toyota RAV4, and Nissan Rogue but I’ve kinda realized that they’re going to cost a bit and I don’t really need a big suv.

Basically what I want is something with awd and some weight to it so I don’t die in the winter (nurses don’t get to call off or be late when it snows, sick people are 24/7, also throwback to when my preceptor came in one day laughing when it snowed and was like “I spun 180 degrees on the highway on my way here”). Something relatively new, like 2016 or newer, preferably 2017/18, to avoid the wear and maintenance of older cars for a few years.

So I didn’t find any cars (literal small cars) that fit what I want (awd) that I’m interested in, so I’m looking at Mazda CX-3 and Honda HR-V now because they are the smaller, slightly cheaper versions of the CX-5 and CR-V. They are SO similar that it’s hard for me to pick what I like better. Mazda seems prettier and more attractive, but my parents have Honda’s (a pilot and civic) and my dad knows how to do all the maintenance on them (changing brakes, tires, etc). And I know how reliable Honda’s are, my dad has had the Pilot since 2012 and logged 150k miles on it and not a single thing has broken or gone wrong on it (but he’s anticipating things to start soon, PA/northeast US winters are harsh and destroy vehicles). Also that fucking pilot is a god damn TANK, I have seen it slip in the snow ONCE, I’ve driven it through 8 inches of unplowed snow on the highway without a single fucking problem. Mazda is a little more expensive than the Honda, but it’s so pretty. I won’t actually be buying a car for minimum a month and a half, but the cx-3 I’m looking at rn is white on the outside and interior is black leather with red leather accents and it’s gorgeous. Everyone I’ve talked to who has owned a Mazda (my parents had one and mike did too) said they loved theirs, I just don’t have any idea on how they last.

I’ll obviously be looking to own this car for 5-10 years probably? So I’m also really looking at the mileage and the wear the cars already have. I’m also not looking to lease because I don’t like the idea of paying for something that I won’t actually own at the end. I also have suuuuper good credit for some reason (I have no idea why tbh, I think it’s because I have federal and private loans taken out for school that have been open for four years and I use my credit card like a debit card, only spend the money I actually have in my bank account) so I don’t really see myself having a terrible option with payments. I also will have the bug to trade in, I’m not super sure how much they’ll really value it as, but online calculators say about 2k, I could also sell it privately but that’s a dumb hassle. The bug is a special edition one which I always forget, in 2008 they made triple white coupes which is what I have, so it should be worth a bit more plus it’s the highest trim, whatever that is, I always forget the names but it has all the features they offered at the time. That’s the only year they made my car, in 07 they did triple white convertibles. But, the girl who owned the car before me curbed the passenger side a fucking ton so it’s dented, but almost all bugs I see on the road are dented like that too lol. She also burned the plastic dash and the cloth ceiling a bit with cigarettes, so that means it’s not excellent condition (+a bit of rust, thxs PA)

I guess I just have to keep looking, and of course if when the time comes I find a cheaper cx-5 or cr-v, I might go with that. I would also like something more than the base model, I love the sunroof in the bug and the heated leather seats, I also would love another white car to “honor” the bug, I’m too sentimental like that (but when it comes time and if I have to pay 1k+ more, it’s not happening). I guess I’m pretty picky with what I want, but really it boils down to safety, comfort, and price. Also with what’s available, I live in NEPA and the prices are cheaper if I drive down to the Lehigh valley area, but I’m really not looking for a 1.5-2 hour drive one way for a car, but it’s possible if there is a big price difference and there honestly does seem to be (because there is more competition down there for cars). A reliable dealership is a must too, I bought the bug from a guy with two black eyes at a sketch used car place, and while it’s a funny story to tell, you probably won’t get a great car from there. I’m surprised the bug has lasted this long, I say that all the time and I really mean it.

I’m just looking though, but those seem like my best options. I do really like the two small compact SUVs, I think they’re both so gorgeous so that might be what I go with. When the time comes I’ll just have to look again and compare the price, mileage, features, etc.

I think I’ll be plenty sentimental when the time comes to get rid of the bug, assuming nothing major breaks within the next two months and it runs good (which it fucking better because we have replaced so much..). But it’s just incredibly unreliable, I’m honestly a bit anxious about taking my NCLEX because it’s a day both my parents work and they won’t be home if my car decides not to start or do something stupid. There’s no reason/indication that’s going to happen, but it’s still worrying me. Honestly rn everything in the world is worrying me, but I think I’m just stressing myself out (although that acknowledgement doesn’t do a single thing to lessen it).

I’m going to pass my NCLEX, turn 22, start my new job, and get a new car. I just need to relax and it’s so hard. Once I pass my NCLEX I’m going to email some of my favorite professors from college and let them know I’m super grateful to have had them. Partially because I will be falling back on some of them when I need references for NP programs, but also to just personally give them a big thank you. I feel like that’s a nice and good thing to do and probably not something a lot of people would. I was deleted pictures off my phone the other day to free up space (over 2k of screenshots...) and I came across the card I wrote to my preceptor from my internship and I just remembered how thankful I really am for the people who taught me and got me through nursing school and they should get some recognition for forming me into who I am right now, and who I will be for the rest of my life because this was my baseline for my future. I think I’ll be a good nurse, I really hope so.

[caffienefeen]

Happy Saturday everyone! ☕🏃‍♂️ . 18 mi, done! Humidity and heat wave this week, had some anxiety going in to today's run. Plan was to start early, take it easy (don't do anything dumb early) hydrate and survive. Very humid the first hr. 💦 manageable the first 1.5 hrs. Rough around 2 remainder of the way, but done! . I've been rocking my Philadelphia Marathon Weekend In Training shirt on Saturday's. Love showing my trail buddies what I'm working for! 😉 Get yours here, singlets and long sleeves also available! https://store.philadelphiamarathon.com/collections/in-training Have a great weekend everyone, good luck to everyone racing or training! Be sure to hydrate! . #PhillyMarathonAmbassador #marathontraining #PhiladelphiaMarathon #BibChat #RunChat #run #runner #runners #runnerscommunity #runnersofinstagram #runnersofig #igrunners #instarun #instarunners #fitfam #marathon #halfmarathon #marathontraining #rwrunstreak #runstreak #PhillyMarathon https://www.instagram.com/p/CSjrZGinIyV/?utm_medium=tumblr

[fizzingwizard]

Just venting about work...

At my job, we are supposed to have an hour break and an hour of prep. An hour break is generous and an hour prep is woefully inadequate, so prep bleeds into break all the time. I’ve never taken an hour break. It’s usually 10 or 15 min, 30 when I can.

However, our schedule changes daily and this break/prep time is NOT consecutive. It’s 15 min off duty here, 30 min off there, etc. Which makes getting anything done during that down time really difficult - as soon as you set up, it’s time to break down. Then you have to do it again later when your next off duty block shows up.

We are also perpetually understaffed. Most schools in our company have at least 2 of my type of class divided by age level, and at least two, but usually three, teachers per class. My school? Has 1 class of combined ages (complicating things immensely!) with three teachers, one of whom works 10-7, one who is part time and works 9:30-3, and then me, who works 9-5. This means that there are times of day when I am the only teacher of my age group around, or my coworker is, so there’s no choice but to put us on the duty schedule during those times. In other words, those are popular break times for other teachers, but we have to be on duty because there’s no one else. (It also means there’s no one to share the load for school event planning so I’m a leader for every, single. event. 1 hour of prep a day during which I have to prep, grading, cleaning, organizing, lesson planning, prop making, and event planning... HOW??)

And on top of that, I have never to my memory actually had a full 2 hours prep/break time on my schedule. Never. The longest is 1 hr 45, which is close - but that’s rare. On a regular day, it’s 1.5 hrs, or 1 hour 15 min. On days when another teacher calls out sick and we can’t get a sub, or on days when we have parent meetings or after school classes, and I have to pick up the slack, I might have 1 hour.

And on top of the top of that - meetings run long, the teacher supposed to take over for your shift before you go on break is late, etc, all these things add up and... for example, yesterday I was off literally 40 min the entire day. 10 min in the morning (was supposed to be 15, meeting ran long), 15 in the afternoon (was supposed to be 30 but the teacher who made the scheduled goofed and no one was available to cover a 30 min block, so me and another teacher split it), and 15 min in the afternoon (again was supposed to be 30 but the teachers supposed to take over my duty showed up 15 min late because her class had run long).

And that’s the end of a week of days just like that - only one day this week did I have a normal off duty schedule, and three times during the week I was on duty for 2 hours non stop in the afternoon (a shift that is not coveted!)

Whether normal or crunch time, I am on my feet all day. My legs ache so much at the end of the day. I look after really young kids who need a lot of supervision, and if I so much as look away to sneeze at the wrong time, it could spell disaster. It’s really hard sometimes. I joke that right now I’m working harder at this job than at any other yet getting paid the least of any job I’ve had - but it’s not really a joke. That is the situation. In spite of that, I like this job soooo much more than my others. I am an involved teacher and have a close daily relationship with all my kids. I love that I’m the one who can calm them down. I love joking and playing with them. I love planning our activities and lessons. If you asked me even a couple years ago whether I’d ever want to teach this age long term, I’d have said no. Now, I’m finding it so fulfilling every day.

As you might imagine, I work overtime a lot. TBH, I should be doing it even more, for better quality. But I also have 1.5 hour commute that is sometimes 2 hours especially in the evening, and I tend to pass out after dinner so. I find it difficult to feel like I’m not already working really hard. But there’s always something left to do. It drives me crazy. I worried that it was just me, but my coworkers as well are feeling this way.

We were told that we were going to get a new teacher to help with the burden. They were supposed to come in September... then October... now it’s mid-Sep and we have heard absolutely nothing. They should be showing up for training if they’re going to start in October. We area all extremely skeptical. My personal take is, the company didn’t budget for hiring new teachers during the year at all... we have another teacher going on maternity leave so she needs a replacement, and our situation might be tight, but it’s not as impossible as not having a teacher at all. So that’s how things stand at the moment.

So that’s all stressful but mostly exhausting. I feel like the stress is a lot less than it was when I started the job (thank goodness) and that gives me confidence. But what I really need is to cut down on the exhaustion. I want to spend more time with my bf on the weekends but I tend to drag myself out to see him because I’m so tired. I want to go on hikes but my feet hurt every day. I’ve always been a homebody and an introvert so it’s not like I was super active before, but I definitely did more on my own volition, and most of all, I wasn’t so damn tired. (I mean, I’m also not 20 anymore x’D gotta factor that in too...)

Anyway, as bad as I feel sometimes... I also feel like I can’t complain. Because my schedule probably isn’t as bad as some others. For example, my Japanese coworkers are required to work an hour longer than me. I believe they also get paid less (paid less for more work - international teachers in Japan, this is very often the case for your Japanese coworkers! It was like that at my previous job as well. I don’t know what the reason is - they work a lot of overtime too that they don’t get paid for - they do sometimes get sizable bonuses that some say make up for the salary difference but... idk, it’s all sketchy and weird). So if I complain about my salary, it feels selfish, even though the salary I’m getting is barely sustainable for me as someone who lives alone with no dependents. And if I complain about the amount of time I work or the amount of responsibilities I have, there are people with more of both. Even if coworkers would agree with me, I feel like it’s only gonna make me look weak if I voice my complaints.

Things I love about my job - all the things I mentioned before about my students, as well as the fact that my coworkers are upbeat and team players and very helpful. We all support each other a lot. There’s no brow-beating if you have to stay home sick. It sucks - it does - because of being understaffed, but no one talks badly about you like in some other jobs I’ve had here in Japan. We don’t get sick leave, but at least people understand that sickness is a thing that happens. Generally I feel respected and like I can respect my coworkers. And I feel like everyone really cares about the kids and wants to give them a great school experience. We’re not just coasting by. It’s helped me to think a lot about the importance of work culture. I feel encouraged and inspired to do more for my students because others around me are doing the same with theirs. It’s so different from the eikaiwa where no one really gave a damn about anything. (Except the managers, about money.)

That’s why I don’t want to leave. I wish I could go into every detail because there are sooo many other things driving me up the wall every day that seem like they should never have happened or should be high on the to-fix list... but the to-fix list is extremely long. And it means something to me that, in spite of all that, I still like it here and want to stay. Like, that means something’s going very right, in spite of all the wrong.

And adulthood really is just being tired all the time, I think that’s true for all adults unless you’re just really blessed with an abundance of energy. Caffeine is popular for a reason. It is the hardest pill for me to swallow because everyone seems to expect me to have all these interesting things to say and I’m like, “I just work, eat, and sleep... "

We had a part-time worker in the spring who unfortunately quit. While she was there things were sooo much more manageable. Just one part time worker... If my job could just give us that, I would be so much happier. But it seems like asking too much. I wish I had a coworker to talk to and share opinions but I’m worried about that being seen as weak or selfish thing. You never know what they’ll say at a performance review. (Not that we get those. When you can’t afford to hire anyone new, you can’t really afford to fire over small things either.)

Bah!

[1stsana]

Okay so today I was given the best feels one there is a dude who always calls me 'trouble' context I've known him for at least 7 years its in good fun and I own that name. Today he and I spent 1.5 hrs in the packing truck fitting a friend of my GMA's thing in like Tetris pieces. It went amazingly well. He said at the end "I don't care what any one else says, your alright kid. Good job."

No ones really said that to my face. Its all I could do not to cry then. I'm crying now though. Its validation. And its not validation that I went looking for. It was just thrown in my face like a warm blanket. It was great.

2 mike another guy from my grandma's church is headed out on a assignment. I haven't seen him in YEARS.

He went out of his way to tell me he still has the picture I drew for him.

I don't even remember what I drew for him.

But he still has it!!!!

like holy shit. My DAD ruined several of the pics I gave him.

just it means the world to me (more crying)

3rd I got to ransack the house for any remaining goodies and hot damn there were a lot.

A fuck computer tower. Windows vista (she had bought a laptop so here's hoping it works)

Laptop table one of the ones you put on your lap. It was still in the box!

A 5 disc CD/DVD player. Near brand new

The speaker that matches it. Only one but heyyyyyyy

A cute litte keys holder that's in the shape of a key

Microwave oven also near new

Cleaning things

A fuse tester. NEVER OPENED

A rechargeable battery charger & its 4 rechargable AA batterys still had the plastic between the connecters

Some cute metal Celtic knot knobs

A medicine cabinet

A goddamn FIREPLACE!!!!!! IT WORKS lights heat everything.

Previously she gave me the chair I always sat in. Fits my booty like a dream. Love it.

She also gave gram a table its a nice solid wood table. Barely fit thought the door heavy as hell.

Its been a hellva day.

[shawol9196]

BFF AU 3/?

Kibum puts his snack down. “Jonghyun. I’m not asking you what you think of Minho in terms of his qualities, his merits as a friend, or what you think of his existence. I’m asking you what you think of Minho as a person who is a potential romantic partner to you.”

(Warning: rated N for neglect/mean parenting mention)

Jonghyun wakes up to his phone buzzing. He groans as he rolls over.

Chat: ㅎㅅ~

CineMin: Are you awake???? CineMin: Pls be awake I have something exciting :D

Jjongie: I am aware of my currents surroundings if that counts as being awake

CineMin: Ye! CineMin: What are you up to???

Jjongie: napping

CineMin: Did I wake you up? I’m sorry TT

Jjongie: it’s ok. I needed to be awake in order to continue contributing something to society.

CineMin: Are you busy with something? I was hoping we could meet up. I have something to show you.

Jjongie: I theoretically have things I should be working on but I can make time for cuties ㅎㅅ~ Jjongie: How long do you think it’ll take?

CineMin: Uhh I mean if you’re busy it’ll take maybe 5 min but if you have more time then that will also work nicely.

Jjongie: ??? Jjongie: I have 1.5 hr before class

CineMin: Meet me at the west gate in ten minutes?

Jjongie: it might be 15 minutes but ㅎㅅㅎ ok

Jonghyun sighs. He had wanted to get a nap before his class, since his professor always left him emotionally exhausted, but seeing Minho again was worth it he supposed. He got out of bed and -- after throwing on the nearest clean smelling clothes -- made his way to the gate as quickly as he could. When he gets there, he looks for Minho but doesn’t see him. Though his height should make him easy to spot, there’s a noted lack of cute tall people in his line of sight. He pulls his phone out to call.

“Jonghyun!! Over here!!” comes Minho’s voice just before he hits the button. Jonghyun looks around wildly before a waving hand catches his eye. Minho’s sitting in a new white car, face full of excitement.

“Look!! I won it!!”

“How did you manage that, cutie?” Jonghyun asks as he walks up to it.

“I entered a contest at school. It’s just my lucky day I guess. They called me yesterday and I just got it this morning. I was going to take Kibum to test it out with me but since he’s busy all day you were the next person on my list. Want to go for a ride?”

Jonghyun nods and opens the passenger door. Once he’s buckled in, Minho pulls away from the curb and back intro traffic.

“You’re a safe driver, right?” he asks. Minho laughs.

“Yes, Jonghyun, I’m a safe driver. Much safer than Kibum. I used to drive us to high school.”

Jonghyun hums and gets comfortable. He notices the music is turned all the way down and adjusts the dial so that it’s audible; there’s a pop song playing but Jonghyun’s not familiar with it at all.

“I haven’t had a chance to set up the radio stations or anything, I literally just picked it up. You can put whatever you like on, I’m not fussy.” Minho explains.

Jonghyun nods and starts flipping through stations.

“So I know what Kibum likes to listen to, what types of music do you like?” he asks.

“Like I said, I’m not particularly fussy.”

“Minho. What type of music do you like? I’m a music major you have to give me something, dude. Even if it’s just ‘I like commercial jingle music.’”

Minho chuckles. “I like 90s pop rock the best.”

Jonghyun thinks he remembers a classic rock station and when he finds it he leaves it on.

“What type do you like, Mr. Music Major? And you can’t say it’s your capitalist obligation to like all of them or anything like that.”

It’s Jonghyun’s turn to laugh. “I’m really good at writing ballads. But I also really like jazz and other stuff. Recently, I’ve been getting into lo-fi hip hop as well.”

Minho nods, though it’s obvious he’s mostly unfamiliar with music terms.

“So are we going anywhere in particular, Mr. Chauffeur?”

Minho shakes his head, humming along to whatever song has come on.

“Can I ask you something about Kibum? Like I’m not trying to ask anything behind his back it’s just there’s stuff that I want to know about and I don’t know how to ask them without upsetting him.” Jonghyun asks, fiddling with the strap of his seat belt.

“Sure.”

There’s a pause while Jonghyun collects his thoughts. Minho simply keeps driving with no particular place to go, though obviously not lost.

“So, first off, I understand that Kibum’s aromantic and asexual. And I respect that. It’s just a little hard for me to grasp, since I’m like very the opposite.”

They stop at a stoplight and Minho turns to look at Jonghyun before nodding.

“Was there like a moment that he was like super squicked out by something that made him realize that? Or like did he date anyone and then realized ‘uhh nevermind this isn’t for me’? Like I want to ask just so I can understand but like I realize that those are usually not a-spec friendly questions and I haven’t been able to figure out how to ask them without sounding like aphobic.”

“I get what you mean, it is kind of a hard thing to word without sounding that way. No, I think he’s always known. I mean, I can remember when we would watch cartoon movies when we were little and I’d always be crushing on the protagonist or the love interest, sometimes both, and he’d just be like ‘when will the animal friend be satisfied with their life they don’t deserve to put up with the protagonist!’. It was more of just an issue of finding a name for it and finding out that other people are the same way.”

“So what you’re telling me is that Kibum is ace/aro but also a furry?”

“Oh my god, no. Absolutely not. He just liked that they had at least some sense.”

“So, to be clear, he’s never done anything with anyone ever?”

“Not really.”

“So there was something??”

“When we were 16 or so, I let him kiss me so I mean there’s that but that’s it.”

Jonghyun’s jaw falls to the floor.

“You two have KISSED? And you still claim to be that you guys are not boyfriends??”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“What was it like then?”

Minho sighs.

“I had dated or at least attempted dating by that point. If he hasn’t told you yet, he’s in love with the concept of love but is disgusted by the thought of being in it. So he was asking me what dating was like and all of that. He said he wondered what kissing was like, so I said that since I had already had my first kiss that if he ever got too curious he could kiss me. So he did, said ‘huh that doesn’t seem so great’ and we both moved on.”

“I can’t even tap his shoulder without him getting grossed out and you guys are kissing?”

“Well first off, we’ve kissed once as consenting adults. Secondly, I’ve known him since literal infancy. So that gets me some upgrades to the friendship. Is he super physically affectionate with me all the time? No. But if I’m freaked out and need a hug or to hold hands or whatever he can usually find some sort of way to deal with it enough for me. Though I also respect when he can’t, which helps.”

There’s a pause in the conversation as Jonghyun tries to process the information. They park in front of a little sporting goods shop.

“This is my parents shop. I just want to run in and show them my car. It shouldn’t take long so you can either come in or just stay in here, whichever is better for you.” Minho explains; he looks nervous and Jonghyun isn’t sure how to deal with it.

“I can come in, it’s fine.”

“Just, do me a solid and be as casual as you can.”

“Casual meaning act hetersexual?”

“Yeah.”

“Got it.”

They get out and go into the store. There’s a woman at the counter helping a customer, the only people in there besides them. She nods at Minho but continues with the customer, so Jonghyun tries to occupy himself with looking at the few bikes they have while Minho appears to tidy up some shelves. Eventually, the customer leaves.

“Don’t you have class?” the woman asks flatly.

“I only have my 8am today, mama. I have a surprise though,” he says, going up to her for a hug.

“What, are they giving you more money?” she asks.

“No, they’re not. I did win a car today though!” he says, pointing out the window.

“Wow, is it new?”

“Yeah. Brand new. They gave me a parking pass and few gift cards with gas money and car washes and stuff too. I talked to Kibum’s dad and he’s supposed to help me work out the insurance this weekend.”

As his mom looks out the window, she notices Jonghyun.

“Oh excuse me, sir. Is there anything we can help you with?” She asks, putting her customer service voice back on.

“Mama, this is Jonghyun. He’s that friend of Kibum’s I was telling you about.”

“Oh. Hi Jonghyun. Nice to meet you. If you need anything, just say, okay?”

Jonghyun bows a little and says a hello. Minho’s mom is quieter now that she realizes they’re not alone.

“Why don’t you give it to Minseok? He needs it more than you do.”

“Mama, he already has a car. I don’t have one and besides I’m the one that won it.”

“But what do you need a car for? You can’t even pay for you schooling, how are you going to pay to keep a car!”

“I’m not giving him my car, mama.”

“God, Minho. You’re so selfish. You make us pay for all these things for you and you can’t even be bothered to help your brother out.”

Minho’s mom turns away and starts cleaning up something on the counter. It’s clear from Minho’s voice that he’s hurt at her reaction.

“Hey Minho, I forgot that I have to grab something from someone before class, can we head back?”

“Oh, yeah.” Minho says. He turns to his mom and reaches for a hug but is disappointed. “I’ll see you later, mama. Love you.”

She says something that sounds like an annoyed ‘I love you too’ and waves him away.

They’re silent as Minho pulls back into traffic and heads back in the direction of school.

“Is the time going to be okay?” Minho asks quietly after a moment.

“What? Oh, I don’t actually have anyone to meet. I just...that seemed uncomfortable and you seemed like you needed help getting out of that.”

“Oh.” There’s a pause. “Look, I’m sorry you had to hear all that. I’m just...they just...it’s...”

“Don’t worry about it, Minho. We all have situations at home. I tell you what, if you take me to the store, I’ll buy you a snack or something for getting me out of the apartment. I think it’s cool you got the car and I think you deserve to keep it.”

“You don’t have to do that, I’m just happy you could come.”

Jonghyun doesn’t force it and there’s a silence again.

“So what about you?” Jonghyun asks quietly.

“What about me?”

“You said you attempted dating before. What team do you play for?”

Minho attempts a laugh. “I guess you could say I play for both teams.”

“Do you...play? Or are you and Kibum the aces up each other’s sleeves?”

“I’m more of a holomorph.”

“A what?”

“A holomorph. It’s a term for fungi, like mushrooms and stuff, that go through both asexual and sexual phases.”

When they reach the stoplight, Minho glances at Jonghyun and laughs at his confused expression.

“I’m demi-ace.”

“Why...didn’t you just say that?”

Minho laughs but it's only for a moment.

“Is it ok if I just go ahead and take you back to campus? I have something I have to go do.”

Jonghyun hums. The rest of the ride is quiet and soon they pull up to the west gate.

“Thanks for riding around with me. I’m sorry again about my mom.”

“No problem. Just text me anytime you want to do this, minus the mom part, again.”

Jonghyun gets out and watches Minho drive away before heading to his class.

*

When Jonghyun gets out of his class, he has too many unread texts.

Chat: ㅎㅅ~

CineMin: Thanks again CineMin: It means a lot

Jjongie: no problem, it was good for me to get out of the apartment. Jjongie: besides, I’m always up for car rides with cute and lucky boys ㅎㅅ~

Chat: I’ll Uhhhh Just Have A Friendship Please

Kekeke: we need to talk when u get out of class

Kekeke: u left ur door open again so im here and helping myself to chips

Jjongie: not my chips ㅎㅅㅎ im on my way back ㅎㅅㅎ

He runs back to the dorm, fearing for his chips. When he gets to his room, the chips are safe and sound and Kibum’s sitting on his beanbag chair with some carrots and humus.

“I thought you said you were eating chips??”

Kibum laughs. “I’m not that dumb and also I don’t like that flavor.”

Jonghyun sighs, half in exasperation and half in relief, and plomps down on his bed. “So what did you want to talk about?”

“Minho told me he took you for a drive.”

“Yup. We went by his parents shop. Who’s Minseok?”

Kibum sighs deeply. “Minseok is Minho’s older brother. He goes here too, he’s a junior. He’s on a full scholarship like I am. Things are...easier for Minseok. When their parents had Minho, they were hoping for a daughter. Even now I think they wish he’d been a daughter.”

“So why would they ask Minho to give Minseok his car if things are easier for him and he has more money?”

“Because they feel Minseok deserves a new car and Minho doesn't.”

Jonghyun nods but doesn’t understand.

“Jjongie, how do you feel about Minho?”

“In what context?”

“Jonghyun, you know what context I’m talking about.”

Jonghyun sits up and grabs his bag of sour gummies off his dresser.

“I mean, he’s charming and sweet and handsome. He’s a very likable person.”

Kibum puts his snack down. “Jonghyun. I’m not asking you what you think of Minho in terms of his qualities, his merits as a friend, or what you think of his existence. I’m asking you what you think of Minho as a person who is a potential romantic partner to you.”

“Oh. He’s a total cutie and I’ve had a crush on him since you introduced me to him at the diner.”

Kibum makes a face between pleased and dissatisfied.

“Why? Did he say something about me?”

“You heard the conversation at the shop, yeah?” Jonghyun nods. “That’s how he’s treated at home. That’s how he’s always been treated at home. That’s part of why he and I are so close; I’m apparently the only person out of our two families who realize that he is his own separate person who needs affection.”

“Oh.”

“So he has difficulty distinguishing his own feelings for people if they show him affection.”

“Meaning?”

“The first girl he dated was this friend Sulli. They both played soccer, were both considered pretty, they were the typical cute high school couple. After a while though, it became clear that his feelings weren’t for her, but rather her attention. Things ended as well as they could but it’s left scars on him nonetheless. If you are planning on pursuing Minho romantically, you need to understand that things will be going slowly. That he is, in a way, affection starved and will need time to understand his feelings for you.”

“So if I want to try dating Minho, I need to make the first move but let him dictate the pace?”

“Yes. And as long as things are consensual between you guys and you make sure that he is doing ok, you have my blessing to do so.”

“Sweet!”

“Ok, that was all I wanted to talk about, so I’m going to go sleep now.”

Jonghyun doesn’t even wait for Kibum to leave the room before he pulls his phone out.

Chat: ㅎㅅ~

Jjongie: So if someone wanted to take a cutie like you out on a first date, where would they take you?

CineMin: Honestly, I’ve never been asked on a date before. I’ve always been the one to ask.

Jjongie: what are you doing this weekend?

CineMin: I have to watch the shop ;;;; CineMin: But I don’t have my afternoon class on Monday so we could do something then?

Jjongie: Pick me up at 5? I’ll give you more info later once i get a planㅎㅅ~ ㅎㅅ~

CineMin: ok ^^

[myseoul17-blog]

<HOLLYS COFFEE>

Thurs. Oct. 5th @ 10:05am. 

I was close to 1.5 hrs ahead of my schedule bcos of the temporary holiday closure of the Yonsei University Museum. Meanwhile I don’t “time” my trip precisely, I have a good idea about where I should be at what time bcos I plan around my meals. For most non-food things, I look at the operating hrs (specifically museums) & everything else, I fill in by “area”, or ease of access via subway. That’s how I plan my trips & it works great for me! Regarding museums, if possible, I like to go 1st thing in the morning to avoid crowds. 

Anyways, after the Yonsei Univ. walk, I came back to the main Sinchon street, & noticed that at 10:00am, most stores were still closed, & the street was still pretty quiet, with hardly any ppl. So I decided to stop at Hollys Coffee for a morning coffee. 1st time going into a multi-level franchise café!

The view on my right after I entered the café. There was a poster of their latest item, & to its left, there was a small shelf/display area with their merch & coffee beans for purchase.

The “morning set” & “all day brunch” caught my attention haha The morning set, which lasts from 7-11am, consisting of a pastry & regular coffee (pastry or bagel according to the photo), costs 5000w. That is equivalent to approx. $6CAD. They have refill service & bring-your-own-cup discount as well. 

Muffins on top (3300w each, ~$3.90CAD) & cakes on the bottom, prices ranging from 5300-5800w (<$6.50CAD). 

Mascarpone tiramisu // cookies & cheese. 

There have 1 poster for pretty much each type of drink they serve. 

#1. Expresso (Americano, mocha, latte, cappuccino, plus a few of their specialty expresso drinks). 3600-5900w for regular size, 4100-6400w for grande. 

#2 top. Brewed coffee. Tea lattes are under this category; they were the priciest items 5900w reg./6400w grande. 

#2 bottom. Latte chocolate. Sweet potato latte what?!?! I didn’t try it bcos I don’t prefer lattes all that much. But sweet potato latte is interesting! 

[middle: picture of their “fraps”, aka Hollyccinos]

#3 Hollyccinos. I love menu reading at places for many reasons, such as inspiration for my own cooking experiments, pure interest & curiosity, & allows me to compare among different places. Here, they have strawberry & double berry cheese cake Hollyccino :O I wonder what that is. .. Their fruity concoctions are also under this category - the one that caught my eye was the yuzu crush. A close 2nd was the smoothie of the day consisting of beet, apple, & ginger (omg I would not want to try that at all).

#4 Sparkling & tea. This menu contained sodas & hot/iced teas of all sorts. While yuzu is a popular flavour here (& all of East Asia) that frequents café menus, they have western teas as well, such as peppermint tea & the classic earl grey.

However, my heart belongs to Americano. Black Americano (hot or cold). 

I went with the iced version. It was ok; I don’t really know how to grade/rate Americanos. From personal experience, I’ve tried ones that were bitter & others that were less bitter & more on the sour side - I prefer the strong, dark, bitter type. I wouldn’t say this one here was of this nature but it wasn’t bad. 

I sat for a bit, charging my phone at the same time, on the main floor by the window. Then before I left, I went upstairs to the 2nd & 3rd floor to see what it was like. The observation of these books made me realize how different the coffeeshop culture is in Korea vs Edmonton (or most of Canada, I want to say). 

In Edmonton (/Canada), generally speaking, coffeeshops are places for a social gathering, whether it’s a small group, a date, or a bff catch-up session. Most ppl are not by themselves. If you randomly walk into a coffeeshop in Edmonton, you’ll find that it’s very disproportionate; there are wayyyy more tables/seats with pairs or groups of ppl compared to ones with a single customer.

In Korea, it’s the opposite! “Support” might not be the best word but I definitely notice that there are many things inside eateries & coffeeshops (esp the latter) that are tailored towards individual customers. The more time I spend in Korea, the more I appreciate this gesture & culture. It’s not an uncommon sight in coffeeshops where individuals take up a whole 4-person table simply for reading a book, or doing tasks on an electronic device. For me, it almost feels welcoming bcos I’m also by myself. I like the fact that there are so many ppl like myself in the same setting, sharing the same space! Mind you, this place was obviously not busy but I’ve been to ones where each table was occupied & some were occupied by a single customer. I don’t “feel bad” for occupying a table for 4 by myself, even though there are more than enough empty tables around. In Edmonton, I try to pick the best smallest table as possible bcos I feel I shouldn’t “take up space”. The atmosphere is just so different. I think that if I had traveled with someone, I wouldn’t notice these acute observations & reflect on them.

That being said, coffee culture in Korea is huge, & groups of ppl obviously visit cafes as well. It’s just that the ratio of groups vs individual customers vary widely, whereas in Edmonton, I find that it’s mostly groups.

This is the 3rd floor. On every floor, there is a small “return” station that also includes a garbage, napkins, a short stack of paper cups, & cold water jug.

Advertisement posters can be found in various areas inside the coffeeshop.

Poor quality photo, but also on the 3rd floor - there was a long counter/bar counter with bar stools that allows customers to look down/across the street. Perfect for those who likes to look outside, see the sun, rain or snow :)

[cnstrength]

nSuns 5/3/1

Happy New Year y’all. Thought it’d be nice to kick off 2018 with a review of the routine I’ve been doing the past few months. 

First, some background. nSuns is a pretty popular redditor who built his reputation through his unique spin on the 5/3/1 workout. He even has a subreddit dedicated to his workout routines (r/nSuns), that I frequently browse to share my experiences and also learn from others who are on the very same routine. nSuns 5/3/1 is the toughest program I have ever encountered to date, so the insight I gained from the subreddit was invaluable.  The routine was a natural step to take from my prior experience with the basic 5/3/1, and after seeing nSuns’ own claim that his lifts went from a total of 900 to 1200 in a few months, I was easily convinced this was the right path to take. 

The program begins with some calibration, as does any new routine. However, this program demands an insane (and dare I say sickening) amount of volume, and will not mesh nicely with ego lifting whatsoever. I had to begin at a low weight (85% of my true 1RM) as my 1RM to begin the routine. I chose to go with the 5 day variation as I aimed to hit the gym 5 times a week (difficult af goal). This variation was pretty appealing, as it allows one to hit bench twice a week, and also includes an OHP focused day.  There is a 6 day deadlift or squat variation, but after running this routine for a few months, I don’t want to go near that ever in my life lol (you’d be running either deadlift or squat twice a week which is insane given the volume of this program).

The workouts take a looooong time. Dont go with this program if you’re looking for a quick <1.5 hr workout, because my average workout times have been 2 hours. The Squat/Deadlift days take the longest - spanning about 2 hours, while OHP day is the quickest and can be done within 1.5. The basic premise of this workout is to pair 8 sets of a big lift (T1) with a consequent 7 sets of a complementing compound exercise (T2), which is then followed by accessories. Each of the set follow a different rep scheme, but generally speaking for the big lifts, it revolves around a pyramid of 5/3/1 reps. For the compounds, the scheme is strongly influenced by Sheiko programming (3/5/7/4/6/8 rep progression). The increase in your training max / 1RM numbers each week is determined by your performance in the prior week. There is a concrete way to calculate this increase, as opposed to the more improvised and inconsistent ones I’ve been used to in the past. Here, is a link to the routine to illustrate all that I’m talking about. 

DAY ONE : BENCH / OHP (LIGHT DAY)

So the week starts with a “light” bench day. Your max weight for the day is set  low - about 80% of your true 1RM. However, don’t be fooled about this day being easy whatsoever. Progression was fine for the first few weeks, but as I started at higher weights the 8 sets slowly became immensely difficult to finish.This day doesn’t employ the 5/3/1 rep format - instead it opts for a higher rep scheme. I call the 4 rep sets in the middle of the scheme the “Death Triad”. I honestly am still trying to figure out how to get past 200 lbs 3x4. Standalone those sets would be a breeze, but doing them after 2 sets of 8/6 are killer. Recently, I started doing just every other set bc it was nigh impossible for me to hit all 8 sets successfully. Given my lax adjustment to T1, I would hit my T2 harder. The light OHP sets not only help as an accessory to my bench, but as an accessory to the heavy OHP day coming later in the week. This, alongside all other T2′s utilizes the 3/5/7/4/6/8 rep progression as mentioned before. Alongside the absurd volume of this routine, this unique rep scheme was another refresher. I had a hard time memorizing the scheme, until I realized it was simply odd and even numbers. It’s a challenging scheme, but completely doable. the 7-4 rep transition is kind of like a break, and the 6/8 rep sets are where the challenges really lie, so keep your energy up for those! Really need to work on this day and these high rep ranges. 

ACCESSORIES: Flyes (Cable/DB Variations), Chest Dips, Weighted Pushups to further hit the pecs. Rows (any variation will do) to strengthen the scapula which is underappreciated during the bench. 

DAY TWO: SQUAT / SUMO DEAD 

Ok, on to one of the killer days. 8 sets of heavy squats? Nothing I’ve ever done. Wait, lets add 7 sets of sumo deadlifts right after. This day is great not only for powerlifters but for sadists. You’ll be wondering why you ever chose this program every time after this workout. No joke. I usually have to spend at least an hour in the squat rack, due to the CNS recovery I need to fit this immense scheme - I’d usually rest about 5-10 mins between the super heavy beginning sets, and up to 5 min during the down pyramid sets. I stopped getting sore after leg day for the past few months, but after starting this program, it came back and hit me hard. If you manage to get this day done, you’ll feel very very accomplished with yourself.

ACCESSORIES: Usually just alternate b/w Glute Ham Raises & Leg Curls to  target the glutes and hams.

DAY THREE: OHP / INCLINE BENCH

One of the easier days. It’s a breather in the middle of the week, especially for me as I excel in both of these lifts. I’d say at the moment this is probably my most improved lift after starting nSuns. The amount of OHP volume in this routine really helps, alongside with the incline bench. The rep scheme is very doable, but does lead to some difficulty during the incline bench sets where I needed a spotter even for the lower weights used (your anterior delts will be fried).

ACCESSORIES: Lat Raises, Front Raises, One Handed DB Shoulder Press, Arnold Press for the delts, Face Pulls as well to target the rear delt/traps. They are a great rowing exercise that helps with your bench too. Might throw in some bicep curls too from time to time. 

DAY FOUR: DEADLIFT / FRONT SQUAT

The rep scheme for deadlifts is based primarily on triples, which is appropriate given the exercise’s taxing nature. I excel in this rep range so I do find this day rather enjoyable. I actually yolo’d my 1+ set weight quite a bit throughout the past few weeks since I felt like I could lift much heavier - therefore I only followed the rest of the prescribed weights/sets. I’ve been progressing nicely (hit 425 easily a week ago) so I can’t say this straying off  is hampering me that much. Meanwhile for front squats, I’ve always had difficulty with my grip. My fingers always felt like they would rip off, so I avoided this exercise often. However, I knew it was an essential accessory to deadlifts and so much more like your back squat, core, and posture which made it an exercise I inevitably had to begin doing. Got some advice from a weightlifting friend who specializes in the front squat and started using a three fingered grip which has proven most comfortable. Additionally, I needed to learn not to put all the weight on my fingers (which is what led to the finger ripping sensation) and instead on the collarbone.  I’ve also been told that tricep mobility is important as well and loosening them up did indeed help. 

ACCESSORIES: Lat Pulldown & Trap Raises which hit the much neglected lower traps.  These help improve my lockout. Not necessarily an area which I sought to improve on, but I focused on back accessories since this routine itself doesn’t cater well to addressing the back muscles.

DAY FIVE: BENCH / CLOSE GRIP BENCH (INTENSE DAY)

The second bench day of the week. Benching twice a week definitely helps bench gains ALOT and is probably one of the most suggested tips for increasing numbers in this domain. For me, the lower rep range for this day was more doable than the light day, ironically. The close grip bench press will be light starting out, so I suggest taking extremely short breaks, and pushing yourself to failure here. Otherwise, you won’t feel much. 

ACCESSORIES: Tricep Pushdowns, Rows again. 

BENCH

WHAT I LEARNED:

Correctly breathing and bracing for the lift. Take a deep breath in, unrack, and lift.  I used to take new breaths throughout this process but realized I lost a lot of tightness so opting for keeping my breath in has helped wonders.  Importance of leg drive. Not that I didn’t know that it was important before, but I realized a deeper extent of its necessity for performing this lift. Also, recently realized how detrimental it is to miss out on back work. Rows are so critical for the bench press and it is easy to neglect within this routine. Over the past few BP days, I’ve definitely felt a lack of back stability which had stagnated my bench greatly. Thus, I will be putting much more focus on my back, doing more rows on push days, and even doing full back days (as a bonus day of sorts)

OHP

WHAT I LEARNED:

Same breathing technique learned for bench. 

SQUAT

WHAT I LEARNED: 

 Keep your breath locked in during the whole unrack -> walkout -> first rep. Helped resolve a lack of tightness, as described above.

DEADLIFT

WHAT I LEARNED:

A few weeks into nSuns, I got a callous injury from doing sumos. That led me to realize my grip with deadlifts have been wrong - I didn’t suffer from callouses before since I usually use straps when going heavy, but during sumos I went raw. This killed deadlift progression for a good month or so, sadly. However, I did manage to learn something and be aware of my mistake, which is always a good thing. I needed to put the weight of the bar more onto my fingers instead of my palm. Sounds unstable, but it does work and prevents any ugly callouses.

Conclusions

I’m not quite finished with this routine yet as I haven’t hit my 1K club goal, but I can definitely see it being accomplished very soon. I’d say I will run with it for another month and a half or so. I’ll be frank in that the sheer volume of nSuns has killed my motivation somedays but on the contrary, smashing PR’s is commonplace in this routine and can be a big booster for this rigorous training. As with any other training routine that ever exists, I have come to learn a lot, of which I am extremely grateful. Progression might not have been what I liked, but the nature of the program has given me a chance to demonstrate a larger focus on form rather than numbers. Why? The volume of this program inevitably leads to deterioration of form, thus forcing one to focus and maintain strict form to complete sets, which is a requirement to up the 1RM numbers. In every single lift I have adjusted my form and technique which will help deter injury and ultimately support my lifting career in the long run. 

nSuns has allowed me to finish 2017 strong. It has been a great year for gains overall with me growing the most I ever had in the entire span of my lifting career. Not only have my lifts, strength and physicality improved tremendously, I am grateful to have learned so much about powerlifting training.  I very much am looking forward to 2018 and can’t wait to smash new goals, learn more, and make it an even better year. Once I hit the 1k club using nSuns, I will switch over to what I call “The Triple C’s”, which are Calisthenics, Core, and Conditioning and make those areas a large focus for 2018. Also want to learn more mobility and band work techniques. So, stay tuned, extremely excited about this and will share more details on it later. See yall in the new year. 

[ghost-town-story]

... The more I sit here and am allowed to think, the more pissed off and upset I get

Rant blog status reinstated!

So firstly, I’m not happy about getting kicked off campus. But social distancing shit, whatever I guess, whatcha gonna do. 

But no. My fucking mother takes the goddamned fucking cake rn. 

We got the email about being kicked off around 4 pm eastern time, Monday. My mother. This fucking woman. Calls me and insists I pack my stuff and get off campus by Tuesday morning. Packing is normally at least a few days ordeal, especially since I hate packing and it always stresses me out a bunch. But done in little spurts, okay I guess, more doable. 

But noooo I have to get out by Tuesday. Fucking. Morning. And this woman actually has the gall, the fucking gall to halfheartedly suggest I start out Monday evening since I’ve gone nocturnal. 

I tried to tell her there’s no fucking way, but she wouldn’t fucking listen. So she hangs up, and I go down the hall bc I desperately need a hug by this point, and she’s a sweetheart but the only roommate available is a gangly skinny girl and not the type of hugs I need. (really, boyfriend would be ideal, but at the time he was in Colorado visiting his sister). And I end up breaking down on huggin friend’s couch bc I hate packing, and I don’t feel like I can pack up a year’s worth of shit in about 12 hours. 

Mom eventually calls me again, mostly just to tell me “yeah you need to pack up and get back tonight, your roommate can grab the 1-2 bins remaining.” And she refuses to listen to me saying “hey, it’s a solid 2 loads in my car, it’s not gonna be 1-2 bins”  “But it fit all in your first car!” “My first car was a fuckin beast, literally the largest car in the lot freshman year. Fred is definitely shorter, definitely less trunk space, etc.”  “Well Y can get the last few bins.” “It’s a lot of stuff!” “It won’t be that much” JUST FUCKING LISTEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT FFS

I was so stressed and crying that huggin friend stole my phone when I was texting my boyfriend, and had him call me so I could maybe stop crying. I miss my boy. Hearing him was good tho.

I’m packing up my stuff in the bathroom when I remember. I store my empty bins at my brother’s place (2 hrs north). I double check with him and call my mom back “I can’t leave tomorrow. It’s too much to pack, and some of my bins are at Brother’s.”  Despite all this, despite me literally breaking down and crying on the phone, she refuses to listen, to give me an extra day, to bring half my stuff up to my brother’s (and therefore eliminate most of the need to have my roommate take my stuff) and grab my extra bins. Nope, gotta get out.

I was staring at my room, halfheartedly packing and trying to figure out, and just sobbing out loud. I thought remaining roommate was gone at dinner, otherwise I would have tried to be quiet. But she had gotten back without me noticing, and when she poked her head in, I couldn’t do it anymore and just kinda. Fell to the ground crying and apologizing. She’s a such a sweetheart and I feel bad for probably worrying her (and possibly waking her up in the middle of the night with packing noises)

I texted my roommate about this. She basically said, “Wtf, what she’s asking isn’t possible.”

Same thing from my boyfriend. 

My mom kept texting me, asking how things were going, basically ignoring my subtle requests for more fucking time. At one point she said “Hang in there”. I sent a screenshot of that to my roommate and boyfriend and asked, “Is murder acceptable?” Roommate said a solid yes. Boyfriend offered to let me live with him. (cept 2 hour parking and I already got one ticket from that :P)

Mom texted around 10 pm, asking if things were fitting in the car. I wasn’t even remotely to the point of packing the car. I was basically at break number 2 of mandatory “sit down, have something to eat, and rehydrate after crying so damn much”. I think I had one bin completely done (out of what ended up being like. 6 bins? plus assorted bags n stuff) and was mostly done packing my clothes, but like. slow going. Especially when packing is stressful and you keep getting overwhelmed woot woot

I put off a fair number of things bc of panicking about time and simple emotional capability to do so. Sorting out my dishes, unlofting my bed, grabbing my band shit from the music hall across campus.

At some point in the night, I had to lay down, because my body decided “hey, you know what would be great right now? Period cramps, minus the blood.” Which, thank fuck minus the blood, but also it meant I had to spend a solid half hour/hour out of commission bc it hurt so damn much to walk around and try to pack. But I had to keep going, even though the pain came back when I stood up again.  

Mom texted me at 7 am if I’m awake. I hadn’t slept. 

We have housekeepers, and they got there around when I was finishing loading up. I stopped and chatted for a bit (nobody had told them what was going on), and nearly started crying again because it was just so damn shitty. Everything’s so damn shitty. 

So I got on the road at about 8 am, and get to driving for a bit, but about 1.5 hours in I’m doing bad. I can barely keep focused, despite drinking probably half a bottle of Mt. Dew by this point, so I pull into a rest stop and text my mom “Hey, I forgot my shampoo/conditioner/toothbrush stuff, and also I don’t think I can get home safe.”

Does my mother tell me to take a nap in that rest stop? Nope Does she tell me to find a hotel or motel there and take a nap/sleep and try again tomorrow? Nope Does she tell me I can go back to school, sleep through the day, and try again tomorrow? Ha ha fucking ha.

Nope. She calls me, and proceeds to tell me to keep driving, and that she’s going to stay on the phone with me so I don’t fall asleep. 

I yelled at her quite a few times, when she was being fucking stupid about all this shit. She had the fucking gall to be pissed that I pulled an all nighter, when that’s what was fucking necessary to meet her stupid fucking deadline. 

At one point, I made a new driving playlist so hopefully it would keep me awake better while I wasn’t on the phone (being serenaded... awake? by the lovely voice of Tilian lel (lots of DGD and his solo work on that playlist. Also ATL. Fuck yeah ATL. anywho)). And right after I made that, she ended up calling me before I was driving yet, and I rejected it bc I really wanted to finish my text to the dear bf, and then I started driving, thinking she’d call me back and chew me out for ignoring her, but surprisingly nope. So I just jam out for a bit, and eventually start yelling at myself bc of dumb writing ideas (the original story rewrite... lol) and I end up texting my roommate (while driving... shh) “Hey, feel free to call me if you want to hear me ramble on about writing” So after a short phone call from mum where she hung up to let me drive through a city, roommate calls, and I end up spending the last few hours of my drive rambling at her and mutually bitching about the shitty situation this leaves us in. 

When I get home, my dad (a doctor) is wearing a mask, apparently at my mother’s request. He also mentions that we probably shouldn’t be in the same room, according to her. I am also forced to strip everything and shower basically immediately. K, fine, I do so, Dad makes me dinner (despite Mom’s probable disapproval), and I stay awake just long enough to toss my laundry in the dryer. It was a close thing tho. I nearly fell asleep waiting for the washer to finish. And so I pass out at 8 pm central time (9 pm eastern)

Mom, during all this, has fucked off Up North to our cabin, my final destination.

Wednesday, Mom makes me leave our place in the Cities at 11 am to get up before weather gets worse and all that jazz. Once here, I’m allowed freedom for as long as it takes to help mother move shit so I can fit my car inside a garage, then I take the bare minimum inside (my electronics, stuff that would explode if frozen (like pop (and my Smirnoff Ices shh)), travel toothbrush I somehow have and hairbrush), and I’m immediately quarantined to my room and the bathroom down the hall. 

So here I fucking am. Bored as shit and pissed the hell off

I needed more time. But no fucking way Mom was going to let that happen. 

I could have gone up to my brother’s. But noooo I had to come all the fucking way home, only to be shoved in a room for two weeks.

I could have taken care of all/most of my shit by my fucking self (dishes are debatable, would need basically the whole apartment to sort those out), but nope, can’t take enough time to take a trip up to my brother’s apartment 2 hours away, no way.

Nope, instead I have to suffer a panic attack for basically 16 hours, then nearly kill myself driving, because I can’t stay one fucking day more, because I have to get my ass up here just to be basically shoved in a room and left alone for 2 goddamned weeks. Nope. Can’t fucking make sure that moving out, usually stressful on its own, is as calm as we can make it in these trying times. Nope. Gotta just fucking nearly kill the kiddo instead to comply with my stupid whims because I can’t fucking listen

I’m pissed.

Especially since I was almost 100% sure I was gonna block her everywhere and go full no contact with this bitch after college.

But now I’m stuck here for the foreseeable future! Yay! Can’t see that going badly! 

(I’ve already texted the anonymemers to call me so I don’t go crazy and actually punch her. We’ll see how that goes. The desire has been kinda strong all afternoon.)

Fuck

This

Shit

[we-hear-her]

Introducing Emily

**Disclaimer: This story, though powerful and incredible, contains content that some might be sensitive to. This story talks about depression, anxiety and a survivor's suicide attempt. At the end of the story, we provide resources that Emily herself used that may be helpful for others suffering. If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression or suicide please call the national suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 or 911 if you feel you are in immediate crisis**

I am so excited to introduce Emily to all of you. I actually started following Emily, on social media, a couple years ago because she was very open about her journey through depression.

I took notice of how honest and up front she was being on social media and I loved how real and authentic she was.

What made you share your journey on social media?

"Well, in 2014 I was in the hospital for an attempt. I went to my first Suicide Prevention walk that year with some friends from work. I guess after like a year and a half. I was like fuck it, if I can help other people by sharing my story then my job here is done. Having other people share their story with me helped so much by having me realize I'm not alone."

That's awesome. Do you think social media is a good outlet then?

"Sometimes, sharing my story has been great. I've had so many people reach out to me telling me they feel the same and it's nice not to feel alone. I try to be open on all my social media. This is real life shit, this is not a fairy tale. But honestly, social media in general can get overwhelming for me too. I will scroll endlessly and even though I try to shut off the feelings of envy because I'm not where I want to be in my life right now, it's hard. I actually have a timer set for social media so I can only have 1.5 hrs of social media."

I totally envy your self control ha! But I agree, there definitely is a positive to social media. We can share our real life struggles and we can connect with others who feel the same way so easily. That's such a great feeling. But it's hard to create that balance of enjoying social media without overusing it.

Do you feel like you've always felt like this or was their an onset?

"In middle school I started to notice I felt off and weird. I had a lot happening in 7th grade. My best friend moved away and I started getting bullied. Girls were writing in text books about me and also had a notebook they’d pass around to write about people. They would also write on Formspring calling me different names and telling me to kill myself. My mom got diagnosed with cancer. There was way too much going on and my family doesn't talk about stuff like this. It just kept building until it just felt like too much. But I wondered, does everyone feel this way? Is this normal? maybe it will go away?"

I can't believe girls wrote that to you. That's awful. I mean ultimately, you know now that they bullied you because they were upset with something in their own lives and that it wasn't about you. But it's hard to justify that to someone who is being bullied, that people bully because there is something wrong in their own lives and that it has nothing to do with the person who is being bullied. Because ultimately, it eventually feels like it's your fault that you did something wrong when really you didn't, the other person is just reacting to something in their own heads.

"Yeah, I completely get that now."

I always felt like depression, anxiety, suicide and other mental health issues weren't really talked about when I was growing up. Do you feel the same way?

"Yeah, I mean, I never knew anyone personally in my circle that had gone through it and/or no one talked about it. So ultimately, nobody knew I was going through what I was going through. I remember the week my attempt happened. I had gone to my college to withdrawal from a couple of classes because I felt too overwhelmed. The counselor there told me to take a couple days and think it over. Even though I kept telling her no, she wouldn't let me. Then, the next morning, I came downstairs from my bedroom, and I was like pacing back and forth, looking for something to end it all. I took as much Tylenol in the container that I had but it wasn’t enough, luckily. I got enough courage to drive myself to the college to seek help and as soon as I got to the office, I just lost it. The counselor there gave me an ultimatum of either getting in the back of a police car to be transported to the crisis center or to call my parents who had no idea that I was even depressed. In the end I chose not to get in the back of a cop car in front of all my peers and to have her call my parents. It was the most silent and uncomfortable ride over to the crisis center. From there, they admitted me to carrier clinic for a week. It was really helpful but also really overwhelming. I met a lot of people from different walks of life dealing with lots of other mental health issues while I was trying to get myself better. I was then transitioned to outpatient therapy at Princeton House for a couple months. From there I started to find other ways to help me cope.

How do you cope now?

"I've been going to my brothers to work out on the treadmill lately or I'll walk in the park by myself and reflect on things. It's my "me time". Every once in a while I'll drive down to the beach and take a walk. Sometimes I just need the ocean, haha. I also have an app for guided meditation. I'll light some candles, lay down in my bed and go into the app. Of course I have to be careful not to fall asleep with candles lit ha. But it does help me calm down. When shit gets really overwhelming, I'll text one of my friends that will let me talk to them and it helps distract me. Usually that happens in the middle of the night. if I can't get in touch with anyone, like I couldn't the other night, I just got myself out of bed and took a drive..blasted some music and felt better."

Ooh, what did you blast? What's your go-to "feel better" music?

"Most of the time it's Billie Eilish. Her voice is incredible."

I love this! But yeah, as someone who also suffers from mental illness, I've found lots of coping techniques. My go to is a hot bath but sometimes I go through periods of time where things that help me don't help me and I don't know what to do. Meditation has personally always been difficult for me. What about you? Have you ever felt like that?

"It's trial and error for everything, therapy, meds and apps. I have a lot of apps that I have tried over the years. I actually stopped taking medicine back in 2016, I eventually didn't like the way I felt."

I've definitely gone through that with anxiety medicines too. I go through periods where I find it's totally necessary to get evened out but then eventually I will feel like I need to But, do you feel like taking medicine was right for you at the time you started in 2014?

"Yes, I think it was necessary. It really helped balance me out"

You mentioned your friends are a big support system for you. I'm guessing you've opened up to them about everything.

"Yeah, it was hard at first to open up but now I feel so lucky to have them. Like, sometimes I don't wanna go out of my house. I've canceled so many times on my friends. I'm lucky my friends get it now. They used to be like "ugh, you never go out with us". Now, they will sometimes force me out because they know I need it or they'll understand I need to stay in and will just come over, lay in bed with me and watch movies."

That's awesome, yeah, if I could I think I would just Netflix in bed all day, every day ha.

What about your parents? You mentioned they don't really open up about their feelings, have things changed, at least for you since the attempt?

"I still don't talk to my parents so much about it. They just weren't raised like that, talking about stuff like this. But I know that if I needed them, they fully support me. I did start talking about this with my brother though."

Yeah, I totally know how you feel. I like that you understand that about them though and still know that you still have their full support.

Do you feel like you've changed your mindset since your attempt?

"Yes, I understand a lot more about how I'm feeling. I know that the feelings go away. Most of the time if I know if I just go to sleep and wake up the next morning, the feeling will go away. I will wake up and think, "I made it through another day", and that is a good feeling. I know those bad feelings are temporary and I just keep going. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some weeks are good!"

Yeah, I feel the same way with my anxiety. I go through periods of time where the anxiety will get really bad but ultimately, I know the feelings are temporary. I know it goes away. It's really important to share the message, the feelings can come and go but they are temporary and you have to just keep going!

Now approaching 5 years since your attempt, it sounds like you're in a much better place. You've really come to a place of acceptance of who you are and what you deal with. Do you ever feel like you would do something like that again?

"So, this last year I had two good friends pass away who I felt were some of my biggest cheerleaders. Just a lot of feelings of loss. But no, like I said, I know the feelings are temporary and I hold on to that. I know that if I just keep going, I will be okay. I will get through it."

I'm sorry for your loss but I love the way you're handling it. I'm not sure you realize it, but you're doing so well. And I agree, if you keep moving, you will get through it.

So, what's next for you? Do you have goals, short goals or big goals?

"I feel like my main smaller goals are to be more open and honest and do things for myself. I'm very much a yes person but at the end of the day I think, "What have I done for me?". That's what I want to work on for this year. For big goals, I want to travel somewhere by myself."

Okay, my last question: Do you have any advice you would give someone like yourself in middle school?

"As long as you're happy and you're not hurting anyone, keep doing it. And just be yourself, because life is too short to be anything else."

Totally agreed, now show me some of these apps!

The apps Emily uses are:

Headspace

7cups

Color Therapy

Motivation Quotes

Pacifica

If you or someone you know is are suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts call the free and confidential suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Emily was treated at the following:

https://www.princetonhcs.org Princeton House

https://carrierclinic.org Carrier Clinic

http://www.mccc.edu/student_services_counseling.shtml Mercer County Community College Counseling Services