#i’m on the train rn i yearn to be home

[askaniritual]

archive post is late tn because i had to go to team bowling w my coworkers

[user1286]

Gods of Disappointment: Pt 1: For a Better Future

Summary: (Through Thrud’s POV): The Thor family (besides Thor), escapes Asgard, and is in search for a new home. Thrud gets irritated from stress, Modi makes it worse for a moment, and uhhh yeah no that’s it for rn I think.

A/N: Uhhhhhh no one can stop me no one can stop me from attempting to explore a potential dynamic between Thrud and her brothers if they were revived, absolutely nobody can stop me, dear god, I hope I’m doing this right.

Thrud had woken up in a daze, barely conscious enough to even function normally. 

With her eyes barely open, she felt the sudden touch of hands grabbing her arms and pulling her up. Thrud subconsciously moved her arms and waist, ready to fight, until she heard her mother’s voice.

Rushingly, her mother whispered,”Thrud, wake up, it’s time, we have to leave now.” The girl’s eyes had fully opened upon hearing that statement.

The family had been planning for the last two years to escape from Asgard. Realizing how much the place badly influenced both Thrud’s father and brothers, Sif had been the one to speak her mind and tell Thor they needed to leave if they wanted a better future for Thrud. Thrud had opposed the idea at first, wanting to be a valkyrie, but quickly realized maybe it would be for the best if the family did leave. Although she still had a yearning for her grandfather’s approval, she did want a chance for her family to truly become one again. 

Thrud had immediately gotten off her bed, opened up her floorboards, and exposed a backpack full of belongings she’d packed for whatever new home she might have.

When she turned to look at her mother, she noticed she was wearing a utility belt with her typical attire. Equipped to the belt were small bags of currency, first aid, and something else with a gentle wooden clang in it.

When Thrud was up and ready, so was her mother by the door, holding a lantern up.

Thrud and her mother ran out of the bedroom, past the halls, and out the building. Thrud felt a blast of the cold air on her face, and looked up at the night sky; noticing the dark clouds above. She could only think of her father and the possible outcomes of this.

Thrud and Sif ran past the dark training grounds, and to Gulltoppr- which everyone planned to steal from Heimdall with pleasure-. Holding saddle bags all over his sides, All were full of equipment and belongings of the family.

Magni and Modi were standing beside the cat, quietly bickering who should be in the front -almost getting physical like children- until both looked to Sif. 

The two straightened up, Magni then mounted to the front, and Modi assisted his mother, then Thrud mount Gulltoppr. He then sat on the rear, holding onto the end of the set of armor the animal wore.

The air felt suffocating, everything was silent, and everyone looked in the direction of where Sif and Thrud had just left; all awaiting for the signal. The signal for safety that Odin would be distracted.

Thrud’s stomach churned, and her hold around her mother’s waist tightened, begging for some sort of relief.

BANG!

A snap so loud it echoed across the nine realms. A bright blue strike of thunder struck up into the sky and into the clouds.

“Go!” Sif yelled to Magni.

No time was wasted as Gulltoppr sprinted away from the direction of raging lightning and thunder. Off to the lift, away from Asgard, away from Odin, and to a future for the greater good.

—

“Wait, stop here Magni.” Without a word, Magni obeyed his mother, stopping the animal by a large tree.

It had been nearly a whole day of non stop running. Very short breaks were involved, and Thrud was hoping it was time to truly rest from sitting for so long. The girl was about to hop off with her mother until she was stopped by Modi’s hand on her shoulder. She looked back at Modi, and he was nodding a “no” at her, noticeably silent. Thrud sighed in frustration, and sat back down.

Sif on the other hand, hopped off Gulltoppr, reaching for the bag - with a gentle wooden clang - still on her waist. She opened the bag and pulled something small out that Thrud couldn’t see, for her mother’s back was now towards her.

Sif walked towards the tree, and subtly hid the object underneath one of the roots of so. She quickly got up, and mounted the back of Gulltoppr again.

“We will rest soon, we just need to make sure we’re out of sight from the ravens.”

The animal continued walking, and Thrud turned her head behind and stared at where her mother hid the object. 

Why couldn’t we take a break here and then leave that thing there when we leave? What even is that thing anyway?

Thrud desperately wanted to ask her mother, but she knew she would only receive another “I’ll explain later.”

Thrud was already anxious from what was now almost a day ago- having seen her father’s lighting viciously flail into the sky.- She knew that wasn’t a good signal for him. In the end, all these questions and thoughts being unanswered made her stomach churn, and her fists clench. 

She couldn’t even make conversation to calm her nerves down. Any with her mother would have typically turned into an argument, and gods forbid her brothers be in the same room when a conversation occurred, they’d both bicker and argue like two little girls over a doll. At least the little girls fought for something. Magni and Modi fought for the sake of fighting- and hardly ever did they fight with an actual goal in mind.

—

It wasn’t like things were the same as they were four years ago though. Thrud was glad about that. Magni and Modi’s deaths meant nothing to anyone on Asgard besides what was left of the family. Sif was destroyed, Thor was pissed and mournful, and Thrud was left conflicted. 

She was only about ten years old when the word reached Asgard. She loved her brothers, but the emotions were barely there. Her brothers were nice to her growing up, but at the same time, they were hardly ever home by the time she turned around seven. After that, a strong distance grew between Thrud and her brothers, and it was never the same. Even after the two were revived some time after their deaths…

Thanks to Sif and her constant bartering with Odin, she convinced him to bring them back to life with some of the old magic he had known of. The spell however –due to not having any Vanir gods left in Asgard– was not the highest of quality. Magni and Modi were brought back yes, but their minds and bodies were… damaged, for a brief period of time. They were barely breathing, and for weeks, comatosed. They would awake, but have little memory of anything. Magni and Modi had to re-learn their names, family, how to read and walk again. Their minds and bodies did recover over time, but for that entire winter passing, Sif and Thrud were the only ones helping the two recover.

Sif drowned herself in guilt, having known she was partly the cause for this, and Thor seemed to have begun reflecting. He was mostly silent for the duration, but he had begun to stop drinking so much. 

Thrud was glad to have her brothers back, and with how her parents were at the time, she really thought things would change for the better after everything. She was very wrong.

—

Thrud felt the sudden cold of a hand on her shoulder. Having startled her from her sleep, it was enough to make her twist and throw a punch directly onto Modi’s nose, throwing him off Gulltoppr.

His back landed on the snowy ground, nose clutched in his hand, and angrily yelled,“Uuuurgg, dammit Thrud!”

“What, you scared me!” Thrud’s irritation from before had quickly crept back again. She jumped off Gulltoppr and ran to Modi to check on him. “Don't forget who made me learn that anyway! Your and Magni’s pranks are your dumbest ideas next to trying to kill–” Thrud paused. Modi still on the ground, gave her the “go ahead, say it” look. She forgot she shouldn’t have brought that up to Magni or Modi. Not anymore. “Urrrrgh! You guys are so annoying!” Thrud remarked through gritted teeth. She grabbed Modi’s arm, leaned back, and picked him off the ground.

With his hand covering his nose, Modi replied, “Uugh, for the millionth time, we were joking!” He looked at his hand to see blood dripping off. A small “eugh” came from his mouth as he flicked some off.

“Yeah,” From her side, she pulled a cloth out of a pouch to give to modi. “Tell the little girl aspiring to be a valkyrie that they were all so prepared to fight,” she then handed him the cloth, to which he gestured his hand, refusing. ”’they’d wake up throwing punches.’” Thrud quoted.

Modi turned away from Thrud almost giggling, and blew blood out from one nostril, then the other. Through a slight smile, Modi responded, “You gotta admit, that was pretty funny.” He motioned for the cloth with his hand. 

Thrud handed the cloth, “Not when you wake up almost punching your fucking mom, asshole.” She was about to throw a punch at Modi’s stomach until she heard her mother.

“Thrud! Language!” Sif’s eyes narrowed, and her eyebrows furrowed. A very audible and exhausted sigh flew from her breath. Bringing Gulltoppr to a cave, she continued, “And put on a coat. In case you haven’t noticed, we finally arrived in Midgard.”

Thrud hadn’t even noticed the cold when she woke up, and when she did begin to feel it, from the corner of her eye was Modi handing his coat to her. Annoyed, Thrud snatched the coat from his hand, letting out a small “thanks” as she put it on. 

With the cloth still over his nose, Modi walked off to Gulltoppr to grab a new coat from his bag.

Magni’s back was already facing everyone as he was walking off into the deeper parts of the Midgaurdian woods, wrapping bandages on his fists;

And Sif was unpacking a couple things to camp for the night.

Thrud was clueless for a few moments. In an attempt to calm her annoyance down, she breathed the cold air in and sighed out. She observed her surroundings. The air was windy yet silent. It was clear fimbulwinter was upon Midgard still. Very little wildlife was out and about, only barely surviving trees and oversized rocks for miles. Sometimes, an occasional overgrown vine would be sat on a rock. Midguard looked almost like some kind of barren wasteland. Not the best first impression for Thrud’s first time there, but it would do.

Last second A/N: uh if you made it to the bottom, jsyk, I’m probably going to be switching povs pretty often so don’t expect just Thrud’s pov in the next chapter lol

Also school is killing me so I’m choosing to upload this now instead of a month bc UUURRRAAAUUUUGH

Thanks for reading >:D, I’ll make sure to make a master list once my second chapter is out 👍

Update: here's part two :D

[persephoneed]

ao3 fic tag game!

tagged by @nonamemanga @writerrose1998 @cosmic-lullaby @nouklea @therulerofallpotatos @insomniac1994 - thank you lovelies!! 🫶🏻✨

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 10! I think I used to have 20, but I orphaned a bunch of them

2. Whats your AO3 word count? 78,177

3. What fandoms do you write for? Currently, I only write for Wednesday (2022)

4. What are your Top 5 Fics by Kudos?

(Only linking my Wednesday fics. I don’t want to promote my old H*rry P*tter fics so I will name them, but not link them)

i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere

The Progression

even if it’s just pretend

you know that my train could take you home

no one can hurt you now

5. Do you repond to comments? Yes! I didn’t like 8 years ago, but I do now. I have met a lot of my friends through my comment sections, and I also just like to thank people for stopping by and sending me love!

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Uhhhh no one can hurt you now is pretty angsty and bittersweet. I haven’t finished i was so ahead of the curve yet but rn it’s very angsty.

7. Whats the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Lol probably you know that my train could take you home *wink* *wink*

8. Do you get hate on fics? No, I’ve been very lucky on ao3! I did one time like 10 years ago on fanfic.net and that wasn’t fun. I just sometimes get demands for updates which isn’t “hate” but I would appreciate some patience sometimes…

9. Do you write smut? I dabble on occasion! I definitely don’t feel confident in that department yet so it’s something that I’m still working on.

10. Do you write cross-overs? Not currently, no. I did one time a very long time ago.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated? No, I one time gave someone permission to translate The Progression (I think into Russian?), but I don’t think it ever happened.

12. Have you ever cowritten a fic before? I have not because I’m afraid of being an unreliable co-writer lol

13. What is a WIP you would like to finish but doubt you ever will? I will never finish my HP wips and I have made peace with that

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship? Wyler babyyyyy

15. What are you writing strengths? I have been told that I’m really good at writing yearning 🤌🏻 And AUs are kinda my thing

16. What are your writing weaknesses? *sigh* I’m a perfectionist so I’m incredibly slow. I will write and rewrite a paragraph to death before I can move onto another one. It’s just not an efficient way to work, and I’m trying to move away from it and let myself write and then edit later. Dialogue tags sometimes bewitch me.

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I respect and admire the hell out of anyone who writes anything in a language that is not their native tongue - all of you are rockstars! I only know English so I don’t see myself writing in another language (more than random words here and there anyway) unless I had a ton of assistance.

18. First fandom you wrote for? HP

19. Favourite fic you’ve ever written? i was so ahead of the curve fills me with immense pride, but I’m also overtly fond of even if it’s just pretend. I guess it’s a bit of a toss up. I also wrote (a loooong time ago) a semi smutty bodyswap HP fanfic that is so weird but I still love it haha.

20. What fic would you want to rewrite one day? I physically cannot allow myself to consider this as a real possibility lololol

Tagging (I’m trying to think of people I haven’t seen participate yet because I think so many already have!) @chaoticstupiddm @wednesdayandherhyde @katwitchwriting @onlyangelxo @leavesdriftinginthewind (if you don’t see yourself here and you haven’t been tagged yet please consider yourself tagged by me!)

[novemberhaenys]

𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙚? | 𝙗𝙧𝙪𝙘𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙣𝙚 𝙭 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧

pattinson!bruce wayne x reader

warnings: fluff, mentions of violence, sfw 

author’s note: based off of “r u mine?” by arctic monkeys. this is j a short lil thing about loving bruce & being someone who fought for everyone in gotham, but in a different way than batman & how it is a lil different than a normal relationship 

also i’m high asf rn so this was not proofread i’m j in my bruce feels hopefully i don’t embarrass myself too badly with this one :) ok i’ve got the munchies i’ve g2g but enjoy besties! 

word count: 1.4k

You were known for being kind and generous. Your family’s legacy was like a blooming orchid in the middle of Gotham’s dark concrete skyscrapers. Your family built housing for the homeless, taking advantage of Gotham’s real estate business. Greed was never a word associated with you or your family. While you come from this old-money name that’s been in Gotham for centuries, the biggest rule passed down through your family is to take care of others, especially those not taken care of by everyone else. “The people who are turned away are the ones we take in” is etched in Latin on your family’s mausoleum in the Gotham City Cemetery.

The entire city of Gotham knew your name and saw the sacrifices you made, along with how you shared what you had with those who needed it and even those who didn’t, they saw how giving you were and how the giving never seemed to stop.

But there was one thing — the thing that it hurt the most the share with the city and people of Gotham — one person: the Batman. He belonged to everyone, he was the protector of Gotham. A knight with more than just a sword and a suit of armor; his horsepower no longer came from just horses, he had the resources and the connections and the training. The Batman did not belong to just you.

But Bruce?

Bruce was all yours.

He was a recluse. The crown prince of Gotham rarely came out of his castle, barely even sparing the city a glance even though he could see all of it from his vast throne. He had responsibilities, sure, but you came first. That changed a little when the Gotham Project started. But what didn’t change was Bruce’s love and adoration for you. While your relationship wasn’t traditional, it was more than enough.

However, you couldn’t help but find yourself yearning for the boring, the mundane, the ordinary. The routine of waking up next to your lover, laying so close you can feel them smile. Brushing teeth next to each other in the mornings, making breakfast, doing chores and home restoration on your own, arguing about wet towels on the bathroom floor, get ready for bed together— it was something you and Bruce exchanged for the betterment of Gotham City.

You resented the parts of Gotham City that forced you to give up a long and happy, excitingly ordinary life with the person you loved.

You needed Batman, but Gotham City needed him more.

And so you shared everything you had with Gotham and its citizens, including the love of your life.

He would be gone so long that some nights you wouldn’t sleep. You’d hear the chime of the bell notifying you that he had pulled into the Batcave, and once you knew he was home you could not keep your eyes open a second longer. The majority of time he spent at home was spent down in the cave, working on the next plot to destroy another one of the dirty schemes that was about to wreak new havoc on the city. You couldn’t sleep without knowing he was safe. Eventually, you started to drink sleeping tea to assist you in sleeping and shutting your brain down for a while. Bruce hated the fact that you usually waited up for him, he hated the fact that you had to worry. But he knew that his job was worry-inducing. He knew that you just wanted to make sure that Gotham had not snuffed out another light.

“He does so much for them and they’ll never know,” you say while sitting across from Alfred at dinner, “sometimes I think even if they didn’t know they wouldn’t care.”

“Not everyone is corrupt, but people put in corrupt situations have to make tough choices. Most of the people in this city are just trying to survive.” Alfred comments. “You and I know that. So does he. I don’t really think he cares if they give thanks to the Batman, he doesn’t view himself as the sole savior of the city. He is, but he doesn’t see it that way: he knows Gotham’s doomed. But as long as he has a say in how doomed, he’ll keep fighting for it.”

“I wish Gotham could just… chill out for a few days. I barely see him anymore. I feel selfish about it, but I miss the days when it was just us in our own little corner of the world.”

“It’s not wrong to miss those moments, miss,” Alfred responded, an understanding smile on his face. “Loving someone and having to watch them leave is painful, no matter the circumstance. Especially yours and Master Wayne’s. You sacrifice a lot, the both of you. And while the whole city may not know about those sacrifices, the two of you do.”

“We do,” you confirm, “and it’s enough for me.”

—

That night, you crawled into bed, clad in one of Bruce’s t-shirts. It was two a.m. and he wasn’t home, and you tried to stay awake so you could see him for what was the first time in days. But you just couldn’t. You knew that you were too tired to give him your full attention, so you just pulled back the covers and slid into bed, snuggling up with your blankets and resting your head against the pillow, inhaling the familiar scent of Bruce. The aroma made up for his arms, and while a bit lighter still provided similar comfort. 

It’s not until a few hours later when the fading scent is replenished, Bruce slipping into bed and immediately pulling you into his arms. He’s just showered, most likely took a few extra minutes to let the warm water massage his aching muscles. Your body awakens at the mere feel of him, your eyes opening as you adjust so you’re laying face to face with him, “You’re back.” 

“I’m back.” Bruce responds, his hand coming up to cradle your cheek. One of your hands comes up to wrap around his wrist and stroke the back of his hand with your thumb. 

“Are you okay?” 

Bruce takes a moment to respond, his eyes studying your face as if you’re surely to evaporate into thin air, “I’m okay,” he echos. And while the bruises he’ll wake up with tomorrow disagree with that statement, the warmth of your tired eyes and the comfort of your presence is what makes him okay, even after the worst nights fighting crime in Gotham. 

You let out a sigh of relief, your eyes fluttering closed as he confirms it himself: he’s here, he’s okay, and he’s come back to you. That is all the confirmation you need, your eyelids fluttering shut almost involuntarily. Bruce presses a gentle kiss to your forehead, thinking to himself that it was those small check-ins every night before bed were always the best part of his day. 

You wake up the next morning with your head on Bruce’s upper chest, tucked into the crook of his neck. His nose rests just on the crown of your head, you can feel the hairs up there move as he exhales peacefully through his nose. One arm lays next to his side, the other is wrapped around you. His fingers have the slightest grip on your arm, as if he’s worried you’ll leave while he’s asleep. His presence and touch makes you feel secure, makes you feel like you’re in the safest hands in all of Gotham. Which, you are, but Bruce made you feel that way before the Gotham Project. 

Your fingers dance with the faintest steps across his chest, repeating soothing patterns and movements that have your own eyes fluttering. Before sleep catches you, Bruce pulls your consciousness back from its fall. 

“Morning, my love,” he says, the words like silk. 

“G’morning, Bruce,” you respond, nuzzling into his chest. “What time is it?” 

“A hell of a lot later than normal, that’s for sure.” 

You furrow your brow, looking up at him through tired eyes, “Doesn’t Gotham need you?” 

Bruce cracks a smile, “Believe it or not, Gotham can wait until it gets dark out. So can the Batcave. It can all wait for today, as far as I’m concerned. I miss just being around you.”

You push yourself up with your forearms so that you’re hovering over his face, “Really?” 

“I’m all yours.” Bruce says.

You lean down closer to him, your eyes gazing into his, “Are you mine?” 

Bruce sighs, placing his hands on your cheeks, brushing his lips against yours, “Completely.” 

And that’s enough for you.

[peakyblindersxx]

whiskey buisness - john shelby x reader (part 2 of ?)

read part one here!

a/n: hey loves! i'm finishing up school rn, but i had to get this out and i'm about to start working on a tommy request immediately after i upload this. anyways, i'm so excited to post this series, it's incredible and i can't thank my bestie @stxdyblr-2k enough. she is a fucking genius :)

prompt: you can't get john out of your head. lo and behold, here he is.

warnings: fluff, mentions of smut, angsty af, soft john (ugh my heart)

Despite your best efforts, you'd been unable to stop yourself yearning for John Shelby. Your pokey flat now often lay empty; you were far too busy to mope at home due to your career as a personal assistant to a local solicitor who was allied with the Shelby's, attending rallies and lectures with Ada and the drunken nights you'd spend at various mansions, galleries and club openings with the "razor chasers" you'd become friendly with due to their refusal to leave Ada alone. Yet still, in those odd seconds of calm you seized over a cigarette, the first seconds after a bump of Tokyo, when you carefully applied your makeup, styled your hair or bathed, you'd think of him. The way the pads of his fingertips felt on your skin, how he’d muttered in your ear how pretty you looked.

But this was different to when you were dreaming about John at 15; he was no longer the allusive older brother of Ada who had a string of beautiful girls on rotation. He wasn’t a fantasy anymore. He was true flesh and blood, and for a moment he had wanted you.

It would be delicious if the whole situation hadn't left a bitter taste in your mouth. Of course you came back to Brum to only immediately fuck it up. The first night, and already you were so close to ruining everything? Looking back, now that you were so close with Ada once more, now that you knew who John had grown to be, that night was cringe inducing. Luckily, no one had seemed to catch on. Luckily, you thrived in the Small Heath rumour mill once again. All the gossip about you was mainly about your substance use, the lads you were seen curling up with outside nightclubs, your intelligence, your helpful nature, sometimes your questionable politics but that was all. John's was far darker, stories of blood, death and gasoline. Recently, the tales of his conquests had quietened, but only due to the lurid delight taken by the factory workers in talking about the recent blinding of some poor fucker who'd crossed the wrong person. Obviously, a lot of the detail had to be exaggerated for shock value and to boost the Shelby status, solidifying them as notorious throughout Birmingham city and its rural surroundings. There were murmurs everywhere about the violent John Shelby: ruthless, cocky, vengeful. It seemed impossible that the same man who cracked shit jokes just to see you smile, kissed you with so much desperation, and prioritised getting you off first could cause such harm without an ounce of guilt or shame to slow his swagger.

Whispers of war were far more constant, but then again, people would say anything for a reaction. You didn't bring it up with Ada. You refused to (openly) partake in mindless gossip on principle, yet you were hungry for information about him.

***********

You'd long forgotten whose wedding you were at. Some loyal blinder, a close friend of the Shelby's, the occasion calling for a large white marquee to be built onto one of Tommy's gardens, fully staffed with the best chef and service team money could buy (from a London restaurant at short notice; when Finn told you the extortionate figure Tommy had paid, your jaw had dropped). The cake, dress and decorations were stunning; you weren't sure exactly what the groom had done for the Shelby's but you could only assume the worst for what they'd splashed out on him.

However, thinking like that only spoilt your night: you'd realised at your fifth club takeover, now you repeated it like a mantra constantly. You'd quickly learnt every excess the Shelby's granted to those outside their circle were due to some perceived sacrifice for being associated with them. Well, that's what you chose to believe after John had sent a junior blinder to your office with a bouquet, the Monday morning after he turned you down. So, it was best to smile and take the shit, get paid, and get out as soon as possible. You were to keep your head down until then.

Yet, keeping your head down was difficult tonight. Ada had treated you to a shopping trip to London for the occasion this morning, Arthur forcing the junior blinders to tag along next to you on the train and trailing less than two metres behind you for hours. You missed the days when it was just you and Ada. It was far more simple without the stares whenever the two of you stepped out. Ada had gotten used to it, she'd devised her own methods of being completely alone; complex plans involving leaving a window open, knotting sheets into a rope and twisting her ankles. Not that she minded, she reckoned the suffocation of being a Shelby was much worse than a few bruised ankles.

You were wearing a clingy emerald green dress from some fancy French boutique you couldn't even pronounce, the diamond necklace sitting along your collarbone and the jewels dangling through your ears were on loan from Ada. You felt eyes unpicking you the moment you entered the after-party. Your arm was linked through Ada's as per usual, she looked equally stylish in a peacock blue number that set off her eyes, her delicate features perfected with makeup.

You'd quickly found your gaggle and began drinking and dancing the night away. Whispers about snow arose from your table, people disappearing to the toilets to rail a line on the bathroom counter, then to the dance floor or to the lap of the poor fucker who'd hold back their hair while they vomited in just a few hours. At least the Blinders were polite about it. Isaiah would kill them if they weren’t. You'd let your arm be tugged on various bathroom trips, treated among your group like secret missions although you weren't entirely subtle about it.

What you weren't aware of was across the marquee, you were being watched by the three men in your life who you'd never want to see you in this state: the Shelby's.

"Looks like Finn's taken your spot, John." Arthur yelled in John's ear over the loud music, gesturing to the youngest Shelby sat at the table next to you who was staring up at you in complete adoration as you chatted across him to Michael, seemingly arguing with him. By the looks of it, you were winning.

John pulled a face at Arthur. “Fuck off, old man. That'll never happen. Finn’s too young for her." He immediately regretted the words that had fallen out of his mouth, revealing far too much for his comfort.

"It's not impossible."

"He's just not right for her, yeah?"

"And you are?"

John didn't bother to bless him with a verbal response, instead flipping him off and downing the rest of his whiskey. "It's not like that."

"What's it like then? Because from where I'm sitting, it's pretty fucking clear, John." Arthur slurred, glass of whiskey sloshing onto his sleeve.

"You're too gone to even know you're chatting shit." John sneered, standing up, "I'm off for a smoke and some fresh air. Try not to fuck anything in my absence, both of you."

His brothers cursed him out as he left. John took a second to figure out his route, purposefully having to cross your path, gesturing for you to follow him subtly. He was surprised you came trailing after him, telling Michael that you weren’t done yelling at him and you’d be back. When you were both only metres from the marquee, he knew you were fucked. You were instantly bored, begging him for a cigarette, which he lit for you, shaking his head at your state.

"You're a fucking mess, love." He said, mouth sloping attractively to one side.

"Takes one to know one, John-boy. Where are we off to, then?"

"Somewhere fucking quiet, can barely hear myself think. Plus, you need to sober the fuck up, lass." He said, softly, as he walked across the dew soaked grass. You followed, heels in hand, holding your dress up as not to ruin it. He sighed, taking the shoes from your hands and wrapping his blazer around your shoulders, linking your arm through his for stability. He kept the distance respectful, but there wasn’t any denying the thick tension in the summer air between the two of you. Ahead, there was a small stone bench sat at the foot of one of Thomas' manicured gardens, and John offered his hand to help you sit. You made small talk and caught up on each other's lives, and you noted John only seemed to glow when you asked about his kids. He talked at length, the drink seemingly unhinging his jaw. There he was again, the John you knew and had admired for so many years. You could sit here forever, watching his blue eyes sparkle in the sunlight. Yet, it just wasn’t meant to be. You wished you could stop time just for a bit, give you enough moments to memorize the freckles on his skin.

"You know the night I first came home?" The alcohol and snow had loosened your lips. You were teetering on the edge of your boundaries, but you couldn't care enough to hold back.

"The night where absolutely nothing happened?" He joked, raising an eyebrow at you, cautious that you'd randomly brought it up in your state. "Sweetheart, this can wait."

He was warning you. For a second you managed to bite your tongue, but curiosity tipped you over the edge.

"But something nearly happened, right?"

"Y/N. Don't." He warned, his tone icy, suddenly distancing from you, hiding between an emotional boundary which he didn't wish to explore.

"John, it's just us. Can't we even talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about, though. You were off your face then, and now. That's fine. We know where we stand. It can't happen."

"I wanted to. I do want to."

"You don't. Trust me. You need a nice lad who'll marry you and look after you. Just need to keep your nose clean long enough yeah?" He teased, trying to lighten the mood, blue eyes begging you to move on.

Your head turned to face him, your face contorting in a mixture of confusion and irritation. "You don't get to tell me what I want or need. The last thing I want is to marry any lad, nice or not."

"I didn't mean it like that, right? Look, I just meant you deserve better than Shelby scum. You're going places you know? Don't settle for Small Heath." John responded with a pained sigh. He didn’t want to get into it with you; not here, not like this. He'd thought about it, naturally. You were constantly on his mind, yet only problems ever seemed to appear, never solutions. It was best for him to avoid you. Why the fuck did he drag you out here? Horrible idea.

"Your family isn't scum. Where the fuck did you get that from?" Your face was screwed up in genuine rage. "I-"

"Y/N, fuckin’ leave it."

His face had hardened completely now. He'd snapped at you. His voice hadn't raised, it was just the power he spat his order out with. You held up your hands in mock surrender, pointedly taking a cigarette from his front pocket and light it silently, not saying a word.

"Why are you so bothered, anyways?" He asked, breaking the silence like you knew he would. John always had to ask questions.

"Fuck off with that, John. I'm not in the mood."

"What do you mean?" He looked completely lost.

"We nearly had sex. Just sex, nothing else right?"

John remained silent.

"Would it be the worst thing in the world?" You asked, your voice wavering. It was hard enough to get the words out, let alone imagine the response.

"You're far too wasted to chat about this, love."

"John, I’m not-"

"I'm serious. You're fucking mashed like my brothers aren't you? Like all those other fuckers in there." He sounded genuinely angry. In the glow of the sunset he looked so much younger, so hurt and lonely. Why hadn't you noticed before?

He turned to you, eyes widened and shocked at his own outburst. "You're not the only one gone yeah? Ignore me, I'm fucked, sorry."

You reached out your hand and linked your fingers through his in silence, the warm evening wind ruffling your hair and dress, blocked from your skin by John's suit jacket which was wrapped around your shoulders. Not that anyone would notice or care. As long as Ada wasn't with you, you could disappear for hours without any alarm. There you sat in the tranquil last few moments of the day, your hand linked with John's, both beyond tipsy. You weren’t thinking properly but it felt right. You felt safe. You didn't want to have to return to the chaos of the party, to have to catch up on who your friends were currently trying to screw. None of that seemed to matter anymore.

Was it too much to ask for something to be simple? Maybe you didn't have to fuck him. Maybe just these small moments were enough. You laughed at the thought when it crossed your mind; neither you nor John were known for consistency or stability in relationships, you being admittedly rather inexperienced, only having been with a few men, and he had his fair share of escapades. But he was just so different. You wouldn't admit that he'd gotten your attention in any way than purely sexually (which surprised you to admit) and for fun, but you genuinely enjoyed his presence.

He was right though. It wasn't a good idea at all to hook up. There was far too much baggage for both of you to make it worth it.

Just once?

You glanced over at John. He rolled his eyes at you, but the edges of his lips were slightly upturned, his dimples faintly peeking through his defined cheeks.

Just once couldn't hurt.

***

The sky was streaked with shades of gold, amber and blood. John could feel the friction from your knee barely knocking against his, the pressure putting him on edge. In fairness, he had drunk heavily, and that's what happens when you let your guard down around beautiful women. He couldn't believe you had told him you wanted to have sex with him still. He'd chalked the whole situation down to a drunken mistake that would have progressed into a far more significant drunken mistake. Ada would never forgive him if he went for another of her mates. Especially Y/N. No matter if he said that Y/N could be different, that you wasn't just another conquest. But who'd believe him?

Far better to keep his mouth shut.

Far better to play safe.

As you were called back to the party by the gaggle of girls John vaguely recognised from hanging off the arms of other blinders, he realised (despite his state) that you were right. Having sex with you wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. In fact, it might be one of the best.

Just once?

He watched your figure disappear back into the marquee, waiting for you to turn back and look for him. You do. He would have done the same if it was him.

Maybe just once wouldn't hurt.

***

to be continued!

[darthkruge]

Any fic/writer recommendations?

YES OMG! let me rave about some amazingly talented fic writers :)

——

fic/blog recommendations

@chokemeanakin - she writes for anakin!!

COMFORT FICS!! her fics just give you that warm and fuzzy feeling and legit i think she has a fic for literally every scenario. they send me into “yearn for anakin” mode immediately! also, she has a lot of fics about comforting anakin that heal my heart bc ani deserved sm more

here is a link to her masterlist and here is a link to her current, ongoing series called “give me love” which i absolutely adore

@anakinlove - she writes for anakin!!

does this thing where she throws in insane characterization in the middle of her fics and it’s like so fucking good. it’s like these little pieces that make the entire work feel so complete. legit cannot recommend enough!!

here is a link to her masterlist + her angst that made me sob + her longest, recent fic that is stunninggg

@poestardust - she writes for primarily poe dameron + other sw characters + a bunch others in other fandoms, too!!

DIALOGUE. LITERALLY AMAZING!!! her reader is usually super snappy and she gives the reader so much character and personality, i cannot get enough. also her dynamics are so well developed in her fics, on both platonic and romantic sides which i always love!

here is a link to her masterlist + the masterlist for her ongoing poe high school au series “it’s not all roses” bc i just caught up with the chapters out rn and... immaculate

@buckysbeloved - she writes for a lot of marvel + sw characters + some others, too!!

something about her fics that stand out to me is the way she conveys comfort and affection. not only are her descriptions amazing, but she gives reasoning for why the characters seek out/give comfort in the ways they do. and it always makes so. much. sense.

here is a link to her masterlist + her ongoing, current auntie reader x uncle pietro maximoff series/fics. if you watch wandavision, read it right now, you’ll love it!

@beskar-tano - she writes for lots of sw + marvel characters!!

her fics just remind me of home. i can’t describe it any other way... but whenever i want that feeling of home and warmth and love and security, i go to her fics.

here is a link to her masterlist + these bath with ani hc’s + domestic ani hc’s that are both some of my comfort fics <3

@artiza-n - she writes for primarily anakin and bucky barnes but i think she’s open to some other mcu characters, too!

she loves writing protective fics so if you like that, go read her stuff rn! and i just feel very safe when i read them and i loveeee that. she packs in so much softness and love into her words, too <3

here is a link to her masterlist + part 1 and part 2 of her stargazing with anakin fics :)

@obirain - she writes primarily for obi wan + some other sw characters!!

i just finished binging a few of them and woah some of the deepest fics ive ever read tbh. the emotion, the yearning in her writing is something i legit admire. her angst is soft, yet so palpable in a way that is unique to her writing. she is truly very fucking talented.

here is a link to her masterlist + this artist!reader x obi wan fic that is so pure and gorgeous

@starwarsflowers - she writes for anakin and obi wan i think? possibly more sw characters!

her fics are normally shorter but holy fuck- they’re so well written. she did a few “*character* and how they love you” and... so beautiful. truly. you can tell she understands the characters and the differences between them to the absolute fullest extent.

she is a fairly new account so i don’t think she has a masterlist (pls correct me if im wrong!) but here is a link to her recent anakin angst fic that made me cry legit tears

@ddaeng-danvers - she writes for anakin + other sw characters + other fandoms too!

her fics are so fucking sweet!! and she captures padawan!anakin especially well, i still remember reading her fics and the way she mixed his caring with his love with his arrogance with his insecurity all while carrying plot and feelings?! i was floored, it was amazing

here is a link to her masterlist + the padawan!anakin x reader fic i was talking about :)

@saltybreaddream - they write for lots of sw + other fandoms/characters!

omg where do i begin... their fics bring me so much joy and so much painnn!! something unique to their writing is the way they truly commit to taking the audience through the reader’s full emotions, good and bad, especially in their series. after reading their fics, i truly and personally feel like ive gone through what the reader has and that is legit so powerful.

here is a link to their masterlist + this fluff anakin fic they wrote (i requested it hehe) bc it just... comfort fic what can i say

@dexthtoyounglings - she writes for lots of sw characters!

i love her fics because they are just exceptionally in character. her writing made me wanna play fallen order bc her love of cal kestis is legit contagious!! they also just feel really personal, which is super cool. 

here is a link to her masterlist + these hc’s about training with ani that make me so very happy

——

okay!!! if i forgot someone, please know it wasn’t personal and i’m just an idiot! and there are loads of other wonderful fics ive reblogged under the [# fic recs] tag <3

im really hoping i linked the right stuff but if someone notices a link doesn’t work/is wrong feel free to hop in my ask box/drop a comment and let me know and i shall fix it!

also: while none of the fics i directly linked are nsfw, some of these authors write some nsfw fics. they all tag correctly + add warnings at the top of those fics (and i think they all also specify which are nsfw on their masterlist, too). please, please respect them and their rules and, if you’re a minor (like me), do not read or interact with those works.

[lordkambe]

🎠   title, type, word count: mister president, one-shot, +2k

🎠   character, fandom, type of reader: fukuzawa yukichi, bungou stray dogs, woman reader

🎠   genre, rating: nsfw, 18+ only

🎠   themes, triggers: oral ( f receiving ), intense fingering, explicit descriptions

🎠   brief summary:  y/n is an employee at the agency. after being caught in the rain, fukuzawa invites y/n to his place. things heat up. p*rn without a plot tbh.

🎠   author’s note: i am once again yearning about meeting fukuzawa in the rain. this short little one-shot is inspired by an r18 asmr i heard a couple of days ago. i hope you enjoy it ~

the rain was heavy, unrelenting but more importantly unexpected. nevertheless you persevered and were hellbent on returning home. the only thing protecting you from the rain was your coat and the bookbag above your head. your feet pressed against the pavement causing the puddles underneath you to splash.

"y/n."

you turned at the sound of the voice from behind you. underneath the large brim of the umbrella the figure held was fukuzawa, your boss. you'd been working at the agency for a few months alongside naomi and haruno. without much responsibility to your job you didn't expect the president to remember you by name.

you turned to him and bowed in respect. he stepped closer to you the brim of his umbrella now shielding you from the rain. frozen you stood there only inches away from the older gentleman. looking directly at his chest you felt his eyes looking down at you.

"how far is your home?"

tucking the strands of your wet hair behind your ears you looked up at him and responded. "i have to catch the train to get home, i live by the docks."

fukuzawa looked at the horizon.

"that won't do." he said in a low tone. "we can go to my place."

you nearly choked and were quick to thank him for his kindness but you couldn't possibly accept his offer. "mister president, i don't -- i'm thankful but i don't think i should."

"i insist."

now you couldn't resist but to take him up on his offer. you stood closely to his frame as he escorted you to his home. on the way there you stole glances to look up at him. he asked you about your day, how you liked the agency. you'd never heard him speak beyond a few words before but somehow the security he provided you felt like that didn't matter.

within a few blocks the two of you finally found refuge in his home. you watched him trade his shoes for his house slippers and he offered you a pair as well. you stood near the door holding the book bag in front of you unsure of what to do.

"if i knew this were the case, i would've brought something."

"don't be silly." fukuzawa assured you. "there's no need, you can go ahead and take a shower. i'll lend you some clothes."

you nodded your head and entered the bathroom. undressed and now in the shower the warm water fell across your body rinsing away the cold sensation from the rain. underneath the water you stood there and thought for a moment about where you were. you couldn't believe what was happening.

the admiration you had for fukuzawa extended beyond past admiring him as the president of the agency. it was a puppy crush you thought but after the kindness he showed you today it made you fall deeper into your possible delusions. you finally exited the shower and dressed in the clothes he'd given you.

it was a dress shirt that went a little past your knees. he'd offered you a pair of sweatpants as well but considered the shirt fit you like a dress, you opted to not wear the pants. you exited the shower running your hands through your wet hair as you did. "president?" you called out.

you walked into the kitchen where fukuzawa was preparing tea. he stopped to look at you.

"where are your pants?" he asked with his cheeks flushed.

"i-, oh. the shirt fits me like a dress so..."

"fits me like a dress?" he repeated softly.

"what?"

"oh... nothing, i was talking to myself." he cleared his throat and looked down at the tea cups on the table in front of him. he was flustered and you played dumb.

you walked past the table and stood a few inches away from him. as you did the rain outside was furious causing the lights to flicker off. the sudden darkness startled you and instinctively you wrapped your hands around fukuzawa's arm. you pressed your figure close against his and hid your face in his arm.

you feel his figure tighten but he doesn't mention it.

"you're trembling." he decided to note.

you want to let go but you can't seem to bring yourself to. the lights flicker on once more and when they do your hands loosen. you let go and looked away in embarrassment.

"cute." you swore you heard him say it.

"y/n?" he asked and you turned around. 

fukuzawa stepped closer to you and the space between you two laced together. with wide eyes you looked up at him mesmerized by his delicate features. caught up in the moment you rise to your toes and join your lips with his. your fingers tugged the fabric of his robe as you loosened into his touch, and him into yours.

your lips parted from his but the closeness between the two of you remained. he looked down at you and tucked a strand of hair away from your cheek.

“nobody at the agency can know about this.” he told you sternly.

“yes, mister president.”

your lips meet again with such haste. his kissed you passionately and it felt like heaven. both of your lips parted open and your tongues began to wrestle. he pressed your figure against the wall behind you.

“i’ve always admired you.” you admitted between labored breaths.

“as have i...you know how you make me feel when i see you at the agency y/n?”

he doesn’t give you time to answer his lips are attached to yours.

“you look... so cute. i have to restrain myself.”

“a man like you has to restrain himself?” you managed to whine out. you felt his length harden against your thigh and the knot in your stomach tightened. you felt the warmth between your legs grow warmer and warmer with each kiss he gave you.

he responded with a mumble you could barely make out. he was occupied with giving you with kisses you took it a step further and grinded your hips against his. it earned a soft gasp to leave fukuzawa’s mouth. he parted from you and traced his thumb under your lip.

“such a bad girl.” he teased.

“then maybe you should teach me a lesson, mister president.”

he lifted you from your feet and you let out an excited giggle. now in his bedroom he placed you on the bed. you laid back with your arms sprawled but your legs pressed together. he stood at the end of the bed looking at you.

“bad girls need to be taught to be good, no?” it was a question but his tone implied it to be rhetorical. you watched him remove his robe and begin to undress. his figure underneath was revealed and it was everything you hoped and more.

his gently tanned skin complimented his toned physique. his figure was slim but the outline of his muscles provided him with a masculine figure. you noticed the multiple scars littered around his body. stories for another time you mentally noted.

he clicked his tongue. “seconds ago you were grinding against me. making soft lewd noises while you did. now you choose to lay there with your legs closed?”

his eyes had changed. they were filled with lust and eagerness. the adrenaline surged through your veins and you felt your petals throb.

“open your legs.” it was a demand. 

without time to spare you opened your knees parted and you opened your legs. you revealed the wet spot on your panties to him. it caused you to blush in embarrassment. you heard fukuzawa chuckle he stepped closer and knelt down to earn a clearer view. the bed underneath you dipped when fukuzawa pressed his chest against the mattress. you bit down on your lower lip as excitement grew within you. you wanted him and he wasn’t making it easy for you. 

he held your thigh and pressed his lips against it. the action elicited a delicate moan from you. the trail of kisses led closer and closer to where you needed him most but instead of meeting that spot with his lips, you felt the tip of his finger. 

it was gentle against your heat and the room was quiet. 

“please?” you gently muttered out. your sheepishness caused fukuzawa to chuckle. 

“please?” he mocked. “do you want me to fuck you?” he asked rather bluntly. 

“huh?” he added while increasing the pressure on your clothed clit. he got on top of you and you looked up at him. his wide frame consumed you, you took your hand and pressed it against his chest. 

“please...” you cry out again. “fuck me” you add with a lewd moan. 

with his eyes till on you his hand pushed your panties to the side. the cool air flushed against your wet pussy causing a small shiver to run up your spin. he placed his middle finger inside you and just that one finger forced a loud, lewd moan to escape from your lips. 

“it’s just one finger.” he teased. 

then he added another. he began to move them in and out of you in unreliable patterns. the scattered rhythm of his movements made you twitch. 

“your already clenching around my fingers. do you want it that bad, princess?”

it was his words, his actions, the fucking pet name that drove you crazy. you threw your head back against the mattress and twisted the fabric underneath you. your back arched upward --- craving every inch of his touch even if it was just his fingers. 

“i asked you a question, do you want it that bad?”

“y-yes.” you embarrassingly cried out. 

he stopped his movements and you whined. “yes, who?” he asked.

“mister president, yes mister president. please!” 

instead of a verbal confirmation fukuzawa lowered his face against your throbbing, wet pussy. he started with a gentle kiss before penetrating your lips with his tongue. the sound you made ripped from your chest. you were loud and he loved every moment of it. 

his tongue ran up and down your slit before focusing on your clit. he used his middle finger to continue to finger you. the gushing noises from your pussy alone embarrassed you but fukuzawa seemed to enjoy it. your hands let go of the sheets and fell atop of his head. your fingers crawled through the locks of his grey hair. you had to restrain yourself from griding against his face.

as if he read your mind fukuzawa pressed your hips down further onto the mattress with one hand alone. the other hand had it’s middle finger thrusting in and out of you at an intense speed. the sensation mixed with his tongue sucking your clit drove you insane. you were close and he could sense it.

he removed his mouth from your clit and replaced it with his thumb. running circles around the sensitive bud you almost choked at how good it felt. his tongue now lapped around your nipple before finally looked at you.

your lips met in a haste. 

“i want to see that pretty face cum for me.”

“from just my fingers.” 

“cum for me princess. cum.” you nodded your head beads of sweat fell down your forehead. you were shaking underneath him. under his command. you grabbed his wrist feeling the knot in your stomach tightening at an incredible speed. bursts of adrenaline and pleasure were rising in your dripping pussy. 

he asked you again, “cum.”

“i’m gonna -- i’m cu--cumming!” your face contorted to match your ecstasy. the moan that escaped from your chest was loud and echoed throughout the bedroom. you came and while fukuzawa stopped with his motions his fingers were still inside you. he pulled them out shortly afterwards the emptiness caused you to sigh in pleasure. 

his fingers were sticky with your juices. “such a good girl you are.” he praised. “but you made such a mess.”

fukuzawa instructed you to open your mouth and you did. he placed his fingers in your mouth and you licked them clean. he was in awe at the sight of you. “good girl” he praised once more. 

“now.” he said before kissing you. “can you handle a little more, princess?”

you swallowed hard and nodded. 

“yes, mister president.” 

[fairycosmos]

I hope you take this as a complement because I mean it as such but you look like someone I could have had a really close friendship with in secondary school as we navigated through the trials and tribulations of adolescence and later developed into a romantic relationship that ended up dissolving as we grew apart but I would always think back to that time and remember you fondly, you give me old friend who I always remember when their birthday passes every year even though it’s been half a decade since we spoke and my email password is your phone number vibes, you give me the girl I once saw on the late train home in 2015 with smudged mascara and glitter on her cheeks and a cool grungy outfit that I really liked but was too shy to compliment you vibes, you give me the girl I met when I was seven on a summer trip to PleasureWood Hills (lol) with forest eyes and a friendly smile who I instantly get along with that I never see again but one day 10 years later I sit next to a girl on a crowded bus on a hazy, august day and she has a friendly smile and forest eyes and she asks me if we’ve met before vibes

omggggggggg listen listen listen i have literally been rendered insane by this 😳😳😳 you have bewitched me heart and soul quite literally angelll on earth oh my fucking god!!! help!!! 999 someones stolen my breath </3 first of all i’m going to need you to write a book immediately because HELLO?? i feel like i need to read a million pages of how you see the world. rn. this is soooo beautiful and heartfelt, it makes me yearn to know you so i can be all of those people for you somehow !! like it’s criminal that we are not in fact childhood besties with a complex past and an unspoken love. also i bet we have met in another life cuz how else are you able to warm my heart like this hmmmm. and second of all, i’m not even proposing to you - i am just now considering us already married and together and best friends for eternity. please let me get this tattooed on the inside of my brain so i never forget it <3 thank you sm my lovely plz know that i’m with you nd rooting for you always from my corner of the earth. you deserve the universe x

[iglooface]

Just Venting bc I'm feeling down but I'm too nervous to bother any particular person or friend bc I don't want to damper their mood bc I'm not perfect

Okay but like is this a universal experience to just be brutally compared to your siblings and peers to the point where you can't even validate yourself for any progress. I just feel like shit today bc of the effect my sister's life has on me. Throughout my highschool experience I tried so fucking hard to make my parents proud but I was never enough and I never will be honestly. But that won't stop me from subconsciously yearning for their approval and validation so I can feel just an ounce of closure in my life. I'd come home with all A's and be at the top of my class in every subject but my parents would say things like "well if you're so good then why are you in regular classes when your sister is in AP World History?" Because we all know the best way to bring up children's spirits is to break down all signs of confidence. Or if when a class got hard and I started getting B's and C's they'd lecture me about how "our family doesn't get B's and C's" and I'd get grounded instead of helped. Or the fact that I graduated nearly a whole year early because of my intensive school work but "your older sister is already moved out and married, what's your excuse" even though I was literally only 17 fucking years old.

Or how about when you were 12 or 13 and you cried and begged every day to not be sent back to school because of how viciously you were being bullied by your peers and that your teacher was verbally abusing you every day and straight up beating you most days as well. But no, you still went back bc "everybody hates school, deal with it."

How often did I need to be told to suffer silently until I just gave up? How many times did I have to be beaten and burned for having emotions until I just stopped? How many of my friends and teachers needed to die before I could no longer have reasons to allow myself to feel any emotion other than happy, helpful, and ready to serve? How is it that I went to school all thirteen years constantly bleeding, bruised, and having minimal sleep and watched the people I loved most take their lives only to outshine my sisters records and surpass every educational goal I was given only to be yelled at and constantly lectured about not being enough? Was it because I couldn't hold a job because of my health and that I was a full time highschool student? Was it because I was a "troubled" kid bc my friends dyed their hair and had piercings? Or was it that I was born a girl when my parents wanted a boy? What the fuck did I do so wrong that everyone around me saw it fit to see how far I could be pushed before I snapped and killed myself.

I can't emphasize this enough, but I was being beaten abused every day in school by a fucking teacher when I was 13. For an entire year. And no matter the toll it took on my physical, mental, and emotional health, nor how many peers it took from me, me how many times I went home exhausted and on the verge of throwing up I was just told to get over it. That I was told that if it was really that bad someone would help me. That I would be saved. Someone would notice and care. But instead I was left scared and alone and had adopted animal like behaviors to protect myself. I couldn't socialize without panicking and I hated being touched, perceived, and even talking. Three of my friends killed themselves over the treatment. And my teachers died intermittently just to add some spice. I couldn't look people in the eyes and I flinched at any movement towards me and loud sounds made me cry. I developed such a bad panic disorder that I had a panic attack so intense it sent me into full blown shock and stopped my heart for 20 seconds and I stayed blacked out for over three hours. All because I was told to get over it and suffer silently. My parents didn't care, they just wanted me quiet and low maintenance. I was treated like an animal instead of a child.

I overdosed on drugs so many times I can't even remember them all because I was hoping that maybe if I didn't wake up, even if it was just for a few hours or days, I'd be better. If I took enough chemical damage I would forget my trauma and become better. That anything I'm the damn world was better than living another day with my wretched circumstances.

And you know what happened? I got in trouble for things my sisters did.

My younger sister took and flunked spanish as a freshman. She willingly signed up for spanish 2 as a sophomore despite not wanting to. She then started throwing temper tantrums constantly and eventually spiralled into threatening to kill herself because she didn't want to take that forsaken class. And I got in trouble for it. I was told I should have told her or guided her so that she wouldn't have signed up for spanish and she would have taken literally any other fucking class available. I was in the wrong bc I was focused on my own schooling and didn't have an omnipotent control over my sister and her education schedule.

Move forward to current day, only about eight months later. My sister's coworker's friend commit suicide via train last night. I instinctively knew I'd be in trouble bc that's just how it works in my family. Despite having received no disciplinary actions last night I was still incredibly nervous because I could feel the impending danger of the situation. Once my sister was at work today my mom lectured me and yelled at me for three hours about how the co-worker's friend commit suicide and how it was bad and selfish of me to have had friends in the past who killed themselves in a time like this. That my past trauma was problematic because I couldn't undo it. That it was bad and sinful of me to even know people who committed suicide when people like my sister new people of the same circumstances. I was in trouble for someone's actions even though I didn't even have a remote relationship to the person. How dare I even have trauma when my sister is suicidal and has a coworker with a dead friend. That I should serve her hand and foot even moreso than I already do bc "she's coping" even though she literally didn't even know the guy. I'm also in trouble because if she keeps flunking her classes she has rn she's going to be forced to drop out and that will make her life harder. If you look closely with your double seeing glasses you can see the amount of bullshit they used to connect those dots.

But let me get this straight, I'm in trouble for having a rough go at school and graduating with honors and a year early and that my sister is suicidal and flunking classes she chose to take and she gets to drop out bc she can't handle the consequences of her own fucking decisions. Yeah. Cuz that makes sense. Child 2 is in trouble bc Child 3 acts irrationally.

Maybe it's the lack of any form of emotional release, maybe it's the pent up rage and anger and depression that I've built up in the last thirteen years, but not a damn thing makes sense there

[decembercamiecherries]

Where do you find yourself writing most? Bedroom? Out? In a cottage tucked away in the corner of the forest? [Your writing is mesmerizing, heartwarming, and heart-wrenching. Thank you for many enjoyable reads! Take care!]

oh, gosh, thank you so much! ^////^ that’s so sweet of you, I’m happy you enjoy my writing! I actually write the most when I’m in transit--so, when I’m traveling home on the train/bus/car. I can’t really focus when I’m in my room or totally alone in a quiet space. I’ve gotten used to writing random scenes on the go haha

Hmmm I’m going to base this answer on my top multi-chapter fics rn which is ‘Words That Water Flowers’, ‘Graffiti’, and ‘storm the gods’.

WTWF - the entirety of chapter 7, which is when Gon and Killua climb up the hills, dive off a cliff, and then have that sexually charged stare down on the beach lol. I actually did not know what to write originally for that chapter (it was the only one I didn’t plan beforehand), so the fact that it was so much fun to write and full of interesting scenes.......I’m really happy with it

Graffiti - uhhhh the first time Gon kisses Killua at the end of chapter 8! I always had a specific idea of how I wanted that scene to go and I really really really loved this one part: ‘This wasn’t a simple, sweet kiss to try out the feeling. He knew what those kisses were like, and that wasn’t what Gon was doing with him. This kiss spelled want; it was full of purpose, teeming with pent up need and yearning that was only now revealing itself. This kiss was desire.’

storm the gods - I really enjoyed writing the opening scene in chapter 3. I loved the peacefulness and intimacy that the Zeus cabin created. My favorite part of writing the chapter were these sentences: ‘Gon and Killua shove and push two of the beds together in the center room, right underneath the multi-colored ceiling of kaleidoscope mosaics. They watch the tiled clouds and sunbeams above their heads give way to splashes of stars and slivers of moonlight, and Gon feels like he’s floating in space with only Killua’s quiet breathing to keep him company.’

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: The Assassin’s Blade, Ch 21-22

I got nothing lads. This book is draining me of my soul.

Celaena lay on her cloak, trying to imagine that the sand was her down mattress in Rifthold, and that she wasn’t completely exposed to the elements in the middle of the desert. The last thing she needed was to wake up with a scorpion in her hair.

Stop teasing me with ways to kill Celery’s ass off, SJM.

“I’ve got sand in every crevice of my body,” Celaena muttered, squirming as she felt it grind against her skin. (...) “Are you sure you’re Celaena Sardothien? Because I don’t think she’d actually be this fussy. I bet she’s used to roughing it.”

Holy shit, this is... self awareness? Ansel calling Celery out on being a useless dumbass? I am so baffled. Is SJM trolling us at this point, or does she just. genuinely not understand how terrible her characters are?

Ansel blathers on about the witches and their queens or whatnot, which just makes me yearn for the Manon POVs in E0S (the first half, anyways). I truly took them for granted :’(

Ansel let out a low hiss. “Some witches, like the Crochans, were gifted with ethereal beauty. But the Ironteeth Clans have iron teeth, sharp as a fish’s.

There’s that stupid fish teeth comparison again.  I have no problem with repeated phrases in a book series (as long as you know, they’re not repeated every other five pages in each book) but this is just... dumb.

Ansel says that one of her childhood friends was eaten by a witch when she was little, which is so boring and non-important I’m skipping it, then they go to sleep. The next morning they go to their destination which is in the market place.

Many people stopped to stare at her red hair and matching eyes, but Ansel took it in stride. Even without her armor, she was stunning. Celaena tried not to think about how few people bothered to notice her.

I don’t give a flying fuck about Celery’s feefees over not getting any special attention I do not!!!!! give a single fuck!!!!!!! I am going to rip this stupid book in half once I’m done reading it.

Ansel won’t let Celery actually go with her to meet with some dude, so she leaves her stranded in the middle of a busy marketplace. Lmao.

In Rifthold, she had a line of credit at all her favorite stores,

you fucking wot m8

There were a few hired guards standing around the covered wagon, and a tall, lean man stood behind the table displayed in front of it. But it wasn’t the guards or the man or his wagon that grabbed her attention. No, it was what was on his table that knocked the breath from her and made her curse her too-light money purse. Spidersilk.

Oh hey, that thing that was used later with the witches.... cool. I’ll take it over an asspull plot twist any day, tbh.

There were legends about the horse-sized stygian spiders that lurked in the woods of the Ruhnn Mountains of the north, spinning their thread for hefty costs. Some said they offered it in exchange for human flesh; others claimed the spiders dealt in years and dreams, and could take either as payment.

Damn, those giant spiders sound waaaay cooler than the shitty Fae in later novels. Why can’t this book be about them? Honestly, I ask myself that far too often when reading these novels.

Celery chats with the guy who has the Spidersilk and it’s just nothing worth noting, so I’m skimming through the details.

She raised her chin. “I turned seventeen two weeks ago.” And what a miserable birthday that had been. Trudging across the desert with no one to celebrate with except her recalcitrant guide, who just patted her shoulder when she announced it was her birthday. Horrible.

SJM expects me to feel sorry for this bitch. That’s cute.

The dude reveals that some of the silent assassins secretly work for Lord Berick.

But Celaena tucked the information away for later. Were some of the Silent Assassins actually working for Berick? Perhaps that was why Ansel had insisted on keeping the meeting so secret—maybe the Master didn’t want the names of the suspected traitors getting out.

So yeah, it’s pretty obvious Ansel is more than likely one of those traitors, but of course Celery doesn’t even consider this because of...reasons. Considering the possibility of such a thing would require for her brain to work, and as we all know, Celery doesn’t own a functioning brain.

Celery tells the guy to ask Arobynn for her if he ever needs her services, so he gives her some Spidersilk.

“A reminder of what?” She shut the lid and tucked the small box into the inner pocket of her white tunic. The merchant smiled sadly. “That everything has a price.” A phantom pain flashed through her face. “I know,” she said, and left.

Oh, it’s just like I’m a young teenager reading this for the first time puzzling over what this meant, not knowing the shitstorm that awaited me in later novels. Truly, they were easier times!

Ansel shows up later to drag Celery over to a pen where there are some horses. Apparently the horses belong to Lord Berick, so Ansel and Celery steal them and leave, ending the chapter. Very little is happening now, but I’ll take it over the pile of dogshit  that were the previous two chapters.

Next chapter, Ansel and Celery ride into the desert being chased by guards.

And just like that, the dunes parted to reveal the turquoise expanse of the Gulf of Oro. The cool sea breeze kissed her face, and Celaena leaned into it, almost moaning with pleasure.

Maybe a nitpick, but am I the only one completely weirded out when “moaning with pleasure” is used for shit like this? Like, when people describe a character moaning when they eat good food it’s so baffling to me because it’s giving me a mental image of sexual pleasure, but they’re just eating food?? Is Celery having an orgasm rn because there’s a cool breeze?

Ansel cut away, surging toward the dunes and the giant wall of rock that arose nearby. The Desert Cleaver, if Celaena knew her geography correctly—which she did, as she’d studied maps of the Deserted Land for weeks now.

I find it very hard to believe entitled Celery who thinks everything should just be handed to her on a silver platter would devote so much time to studying and working.

A narrow opening in the wall of red rock appeared, twisting away from sight. Ansel headed straight toward it. How dare she make such a reckless, stupid decision without consulting Celaena first?

You mean like Alien does later in E0S? Holy shit, this just emphasizes how little SJM plans things out for her books. Her characters actually lose development and intelligence as the series progresses. That is actually fucking hilarious and I’ve never seen the likes of it in any other shitty YA series. Holy smokes.

Though the guards still remained a good distance away, they were close enough for Celaena to see the weapons, including longbows, strapped to them.

But I bet they’re not going to use them, like the guards from E0S that didn’t use their crossbows, because of plot reasons.

They outrun the guards and Celery punches Ansel then they stop for the night. Lmao at how much shit was crammed in the previous chapters but these ones are just... nothing.

Apparently Ansel lied to the Mute Master about her backstory. Her old home was ravaged by some Lord Loch dude and all of her family was killed so she ended up training with the silent assassins for revenge or something. Ansel is just a not quite as shitty Celery clone, so I have little reason to care about her.

Celaena hadn’t realized she was crying until she tried to take a deep breath. Saying that she was sorry didn’t feel adequate. She knew what this sort of loss was like, and words didn’t do anything at all.

Oh my god fuck off Celery, Ansel isn’t telling you her backstory for you to feel sorry about your own poor feefees, literally no one gives a shit about you. Please, take a hike off the nearest cliff and spare me the agony of having to think about you anymore.

Celery and Ansel talk about how all men are evil and shit and then the chapter ends. Fuck this stupid fucking bullshit. This might actually be worse than E0S. That’s right, I said it, don’t @ me.

[peakytoms]

NSFW ABC’s ~ John Shelby

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

So things with John boy never get too wild so aftercare is not really necessary. He likes to just lay in bed and talk to you about his day while you two share a few cigarettes .

He also loves eating after sex because he expels so much energy during the deed—so he will usually go downstairs and drum up some bread and jam and bring them back upstairs for you and him.

The bed always gets crumby but you don’t care “that’s what the maids for” says JOhn

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He is obsessed with you butt—he’s a butt guy. He loves backing that ass up against his hips anytime of the day, loves you sitting on his lap when he’s at work or at home in the office. Big time butt guy.

Hes so much of a butt guy, he even likes his own ass. He knows he was sculpted by Michelangelo himself and he has likes to show off what god gave him.

When the two of you are home without the kiddos—the both of you are always naked, beauty should not have to be covered up

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

We all know our dear boy john has a massive impregnation kink—he loves knowing his woman is around carrying his seed and making it into a human baby. As such, his favorite thing to do is cum inside of you. He also loves to watch himself spill out of you when its all over so he likes to make sure his woman is filled 😉

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

John is one dirty dirty boy (you’ve seen him smirk right? That smirk is LOADED with dirty filthy secrets)

At dinner with Polly or the rest of the fam—he sneaks one of your hands down to his already hard cock. He thinks hes so suave and that no one notices (but because of that infamous smirk—everyone always knows what is happening but lets him have him moment)

When the two of you were younger, you had sex on Pollys bed (she had a bigger bed so it made sense at the time—it’s a secret you two will keep til your DEATHS)

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

John Shelby mates like a bunny rabbit…plenty of experience has been had

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Given how many times you have probably been pregnant (John has like 3 million kids? 3 billion? Ive lost count) Johns fave position is anything from behind (plus that way he gets a perfect view of your tush which as discussed he is obsessed with. Plus, taking you from behind is super convenient

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc.)

He is a goofballTM and sex usually is goofy as well. Because of all the kids you two have had, you cant take time for granted and you often need to be creative because children are literally everywhere and sometimes you don’t even realize it. So sometimes things just get goofy (kids walk in, gotta make quick worl to cover up—and the eventually get them out so yall could finish)

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

John is practically bare down there. He thinks the hair just covers up all that god given beauty so he doesn’t like to keep it around.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) 

He tries his best to be romantic. He loves you and all that you have done for him so he wants to do his best to make sure he treats you like a QUEEN TM but ya know…life happens and god bless him for having good intentions and ideas but John is not the best at executing them. He tries to be romantic and sweet, but when the time actually comes around there just isn’t any time for romance (all the kiddos running around remember?). But it’s the thought that counts

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

You ALWAYS walk in on him while hes jacking his willy.  The man has got a thousand and 3 kids, and you get busy, he gets it—but he has needs and if hes stressed (because idk…Tommy wants him to kill his teacher or something) he just needs to release some tension (in his balls) and get on with his life

If you catch him in the moment though—you usually throw those kiddies out and help out your man

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Getting you pregnant

ou being pregnant (your tits get almost as big as your ass and as discussed our boy john is a man of the tush)

Fucking you while pregnant—he one kinky guy and he likes the idea of filling you with his seed even when you are currently growing his seed into a human child

He likes doing it in public spaces (especially if Polly is around—he likes to think hes outsmarting her even though she knows everything…she is omniscient…omg shes a godTM  

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

The Office because there are no kids at the office, or in the car on the way to the office because that man just has no patience

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Seeing you pregnant, seeing you be a mama, stress because his brother is a dick, having a really good meal, getting drunk, a really calming cigar, bashing someones head in, blinding someone, winning some money at the races… basically Johnny is always a horndogTM and everything gets him going.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He’s too needy and desperate at most times to ever be picky with things to try

That being said, you two have tried some rougher sex but it just wasn’t his thing. Even though hes a blinder and a savage man with his enemies, he doesn’t really like hurting people (especially someone he loves a helluva lot)

Also for some strange reason, you getting close to any of his brothers or blinders just rubs him the wrong way and he does not like it (I wonder why…)

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Giving

Youre a good mama and are nearly always stressed and tired because of all the billions of his kids running around small heath  so Johnny boy likes to take care of his girl and do all the work to show his appreciation

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Because yall never really have that much time, things are usually fast and rough—but not rough rough, just rough because he has like 3 seconds before a kid starts crying and he just gets very vigorous. If the kids are away at Pols, he will tgry his best to make it special—all romantic and slow and sensual and wooowwwwweeeeeee im feeling john rn what is this?

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Pretty much the only way he has sex is with quickies because he has like 651360176 children somewhere

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

He is always down to find new and creative ways to get wit chuuu—he needs it because when you have kids you need to get creative and inventive

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Because he usually has so little time, he has trained his body to last as quickly as possible (relax though guys he doesn’t cream in like 0.05 seconds, but it usually takes him less than 7 minutes). BUT he is still a shelby and a frickin horse (not a cavalry horse though mind) so he can go for many many rounds (he just hopes he has the time)

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Before the kiddies he liked very much to use toys on you, especially blindfolds (he really liked to play up the name “peaky blinders”)

But now that kids are a part of your reality, being blinded just isn’t practical because one of the 6142782 kids could sneak in and see any second and you must remain vigilant

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Like I said, John has had to get very creative and that includes a lot of teasing. And in turn you tease him right back

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He is naturally just a very loud and boisterous individual and its hard to contain himself. Given the position you two are usually in during the deed (your back to his chest and he rams you from behind) he usually muffles his moans and groans and screams into the skin of your shoulder or neck.

Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

So we know how John is a massive horndogTM and gets especialluy aroused whenever he sees you be a good mama, but you are the same way with him. John boy is a great dad (your fave pet name for him is Mr. Daddy since he likes to pretend to be a big manTM who can be a dommydaddy even though he really cant bless him)

Seeing John be a great father always gets you reared up and ready for another little Shelby baby

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

He thinks he was gods gift to women and there are very visible and anatomical receipts for that belief. He is not only the tallest Shelby brother, but also the biggest

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

So incredibly high because he is a horndogTM and you constantly do things that excite him

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He always stays up just in case you wanna go for another round

[riskeith]

i couldn’t stop smiling reading your last message i’m literally so happy atm. you’re so cute and i’m SO happy. i reread it three times and giggled so loud my brother asked why i was laughing... 🥺 he’s in the next freaking room 🥺

sappiness aside: YES!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE? i wish i could give my luck to you as you deserve it much more ): it’s true but it’s still important if you wanna do well in combat sadly haha dhdydbjdnd like you said it’s very inconvenient to have a unbalanced team but i decided that i’m just gonna switch around with the characters i have when it’s needed yk? they’re all mostly around the same levels so it works fine rn.. or it will until i have to focus on who i want to focus on ascending when i get to higher levels bc payments and materials and all.. sigh there’s so much to think about with too many cute characters... anyway how many rolls have you done since you started playing? do you remember?

OH???? is it easier on pc? i’ve always enjoyed smaller consoles tbh (like switch or even phone) bc it’s easier to focus so it wasn’t that difficult for me. but like you said it might just be a ‘getting used to it’ thing. also now that you’ve seen both; which differences are there in the game? are you gonna have two different accs?

i did restart it from the first ep!!! i figured i might as well get the ~full~ experience. it’s been a while too so it’s like a new experience but not rly? it’s like traveling back to your home country and you’re like wow... i belong here even if i’m not here all the time dhsjsjdhfh bad example but you know what i mean?i’ll keep you updated! rn i’m at training camp part of s1 and it’s great!!! just having a blast tbh. needed this especially now that school is back... :(

i guess we are talking about voltron in 20fucking21. i don’t know if i love that for us or not.... (our honeymoon can be whenever you want babe pick a date and i’m There 😏)

pls unrequited love is soo good. it hurts but it’s good too? haha, maybe if one has experiences with it it just hits different yk? but i’m with you—watching voltron i always always had the headcanon that keith first started to feel smth for lance in the ‘we did it’ scene and actually thought ‘i’m in love’ during the black lion scene. like the proof is all there... s8 and the sunset scene just proves his longlasting feelings nobody can tell me otherwise. keith is the type to cherish the people he loves a lot because he barely has anyone and that means putting their happiness above anything else and lance’s happiness was allura for a while and he just... accepted that despite yearning . god . i always think about is bittersweet smile while having his speech. it’s like; i know that you’re great and you should know that you’re great too and if she can’t see it she doesn’t deserve you.

you freaking out over the leave the math to pidge scene... losing my fucking mind. girl they’re literally in love fuckinf crying 😭😭😭😭😭 they depend on each other SO much like the show runners always push the ‘hunk and lance bffs’ agenda ok sure but in the show hunk was never there for lance the same way keith was. they just eased each other’s anxieties without having any expectations on each other at all? yet they surpassed all of them. the other was just.. there. always. remember the ‘we all miss shiro’ scene too???? the entire team looked at lance and wanted him to step up!!!!!! like HELLO??????? and the second lance spoke keith just calmed down... kill me now. if that doesn’t show much trust and appriciation and respect there was between them idk what does. and the fact that the others know that despite their differences they still need each other just..... yeah. *cries*

YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD. i get you tho klance is just... comfort ship but the ship that leaves you depressed too. i’m sure you could still write them perfectly but i’m absolutely in no way pressuring you at all you truly don’t have to if you can’t. i know how hard it can be to write when the motivation is just not there... :/ anyway idk what i’d prompt i just love your fics babe hsjdhdjdjdk. that’s so boring of me to say help but everything you write i love so.. surprise me? i can’t believe you have a final klance fic tho that sounds so sad.... ): i’m curious what it’s about but maybe it’s better to keep it hush hush.. hm?

i hope you’ve slept well!! you make me so happy!! kisses! xxxxxx

FHSJFKDS that makes /me/ so happy to hear!!! i was sitting on my bed smiling like a FOOL reading this ahahahaha. and soz to your brother but what can i say 🤪🤪

nooooo im so glad you got a 5 star already pls it’s fine im just gonna use all my primogems on xiao banner and it’ll end up okay fhskjdfds. yeah just switching charas in when needed totally works too! it’s just annoying when you accidentally get caught up in combat and it’s just ‘oop im level 1 against level 50′ AHAH. (tho i guess you won’t run into that issue yet?) honestly yeah there’s so much to do with the characters like ascending, constellations, talents, weapons, it’s just like.. what do i do first.... and who..... afhdskjfhsjf sometimes i just want to use character bc pretty and that should be enough 😔

hmmmm for the character event banner I believe i’m at 60 or 70 rn? so i’m reaaaally close to pity which is why when xiao comes 🙏🙏🙏 and for the standard banner i have no idea, maybe 40? so yeahhhh LOL... i keep saying this (and i better not be jinxing it BUT) im hoping it’ll all pay off...... i hope it’s all been building up for xiao... c6 xiao.. come home FHDKSJHDS

i definitely prefer it on PC! controls aside i just like the bigger screen tbh (my laptop is 15″). mostly the differences are the controls/buttons! since you can’t hold down multiple buttons at once on mobile, they’ve got more to cover all the functions (pc doesn’t have an extra dash button, we just right click or press shift; if we’re in the air i think one of the buttons turns into the drop down/plunge, rather than showing like 3 on mobile? i can’t remember precisely but yeahhh; there’s also the joystick on the left side of the screen on mobile that obviously isn’t there on pc bc we have the keyboard. it’s also harder to move the camera around whilst doing things on mobile i feel?) 

and nah i don’t think i’ll make another acc, esp since i’ve gotten so far into game already but i did definitely think about it as a possibility ahahah (bc of my bad luck... i was wondering if i did a reroll (second) acc i might be able to get diluc FJKHSKDFS)

omg it feels like coming home what a good description 😩😩 haikyuu is just such a fun warm experience! legit so comforting and light-hearted but also get deep when it needs to be. oh yes training camp <33 gosh they were so young then :’) HAHAAH. and noooooo school has started up for you again? rip i wish you the best of luck 😔💪

maybe 2k21 is the year of revisiting old things...... god voltron ended in 2018 can you BELIEVE that (😏😏😏 i was gonna mention playing genshin co-op together (even back when you first started) HAAHAH but i assume you play in europe server? im asia rip 😥)

WE DID IT WE ARE A GOOD TEAM!! THE FUCKING PURPLE AROUND THEM!!!! THE SMILEEEE OH MY GOD THE BONDING MOMENT THE. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk every time you mentioned a single line or scene im just. all the memories come flooding back fhdsfkhsdjf. hang on a second.. they are red and blue.... the scene was purple... surely i knew this back then but im thinking about it now and?????/ oh my god

the sunset scene!!!!!!!!!! that is Peak pining keith unrequited love and pain scene... my goodness. “that means putting their happiness above anything else” NOOOOOOOOOOO you are so right tho 😭😭😭😭😭 please keith deserves the univerise <333 :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( the fact that lance seeked him out for that too.. just like old times.. “you can sure be a hard guy to find when you wanna be huh” the way i still remember that ugh they really were my everything 😔

YES!! like they pushed the whole lance+hunk+pidge thing but then in the actual show had hunk+pidge treat lance like shit and belittle him so often?? like ?????????? (once again where fanon saves us 😩) and oh my god yeah.. when everyone turned to him and lance like walked up to keith and then said all that.. we actually had so many moments?? god. *cries with you*

speaking of shiro.. s06e05 the black paladins!!! “shiro.. please.. you’re my brother.. i love you..” “just let go, keith” 😭😭 keith suffered so much AND FOR WHAT my god i miss him so much oh no

FSHFKJDS “surprise me” the only reason im asking is bc i have no ideas!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭 but i shall think.. (and if you want to think and help me out too.. ���) & i’ve actually posted about that final fic a lot! LMAO that’s how you know i know i’m never gonna finish fdskhfksjd but in case you do wanna see, here are some links: one, two, three

thank you!! i stayed up to 4am like an idiot LOL but i swear today.... and same 😭 im so so happy to have met you 🥰❣ muah! xoxoxox

[tara-l-blackmore]

Why I haven’t talked about my surgery

Recently, I was called out on my rather acerbic, furious response on this post, and I’d like to respond in public about it, with even further reasons as to why I still feel the way I do.

Buckle up.

So over a month ago now I had my gallbladder removed as a day surgery. I was told it would be quick, recovery would be swift, and I should be back and recovered in less than a month. So I signed on, and went in.

I waited a longer time than I expected for a surgery that was scheduled, and I was given insufficient pain medication to cope with the wait. I was not allowed to take any pain medicine of my own, due to the anesthesia, so I mentioned to one of the nurses that I was still in a great deal of pain.

“Just wait for your surgery and it will be fine,” I was told.

Now, I wouldn’t of mentioned this if I wasn’t in a significant amount of pain, so this was, needless to say, an agonising wait. I yearned to be knocked out, that’s how bad it was.

Now, once I was prepped and ready to go, I was treated really well. My nervousness was greeted with confidence and reassurance, and before I knew it, I was out.

That was the last reprieve I got for the rest of the day.

When I woke up, I was in AGONY. It made the pre-op pain look like a paper-cut. No nurse was around, so I had to lie there, cold and in pain and scared, waiting for almost a half-hour for someone to come to me.

When someone finally did, I got a POW.

Now, listen. My mother is an RN, and has been for all of my life. I know how stressful the job can be, how painful and frustrating it is. But she also knows that YOU DON’T TAKE IT OUT ON THE PATIENT.

This POW didn’t get that training, apparently.

When I told her I was in a great deal of pain, she said, “Yeah, probably, but you gotta wait, so calm down.” I was still pretty bleh from the anesthesia, so suggesting I wasn’t calm was confusing. So I asked for some water, instead.

“Yeah, whatever, hold on.” The POW vanished, and left me alone for another half-hour. Luckily, another RN took pity on me and got me some water. I told her that I was in a great deal of pain, and she said she would look into it (nothing came of that).

I distracted myself with the water for a while until it was gone, but it wasn’t enough. I coughed and coughed like they told me to but the pain wouldn’t go away.

The POW finally came back, but to take my vitals. Okay, fine. Except she grabbed my arm, pulled me to her, and then strapped the bloodpressure cuff and heart monitor on. It fucking HURT, and I started to cry. She noticed and rolled her eyes, and said it would only take a second, so “just calm down already.”

“I’m sorry,” I answered, “Everything hurts and I’m scared.”

“We’re already looking into that.”

“Okay. Can I see my husband, please?”

“No.” No reasons. No explanation. Just denial.

Now, I know this is bullshit, because when I had my appendectomy, the second I asked for my mom, they went and got her. So I know she was just being a lazy bitch by this point. But I said nothing, because my health was literally in this POW’s hands.

“Okay,” I muttered. “What do I do about the pain?”

“Like I said, we’ll get to that. You have to wait. We need to move beds and make room. We have a lot of people to help.” She ripped the cuff off and vanished again.

I was crying in earnest, now, wishing for both my husband and perhaps death. I was so low, so despondent, that I just wanted to go home or die. I felt like I was dying, already, anyway.

Another fifteen minutes pass and she came back with pain medicine. It was one that was too low to work, and I asked her about it, but she didn’t answer me. Instead she said, “Let it drip and I’ll come back in twenty minutes.”

I let it drip. Nothing changed.

She came back forty-five minutes later, and I told her. She rolled her eyes and left again, then came back with another useless medicine pouch. She hooked it up again and left before I could say a word.

Now I was sobbing. I honestly just wanted my husband, now.

FINALLY, someone else came: an actual fucking real nurse. She saw my tears, comforted me with soft words, and went to the doctor right away when I told her my woes. Immediately, she came back with the right medication, and when it started working I was so happy I cried again and thanked her til I choked.

Once stable, the real nurse took me to a room and FINALLY I could see my FUCKING HUSBAND. I hugged him and cried (and accidentally opened one of my sutures, but the nice nurse patched me up).

It was possibly the very worst hospital experience - save the end - that I’ve ever had to deal with.

And the problem is, for me, that’s common. As someone with chronic pain, I’m treated as a disease, a mysterious pest that has invisible pain and only wants drugs. I’m never taken seriously. I’m never treated as a human. I’m treated as a problem.

I had to go back to the ER twice following the surgery, as I got bogged down badly with complications. And here’s where the second experience comes in.

I was helped for a little bit, but when the (wrong) medication they gave me (surprise) didn’t work, they just... abandoned me for hours. For almost four hours, they abandoned me. My bags dripped dry, I was sobbing and - at one point, I’m ashamed to say - screamed. They then realised they had forgotten me, and maybe to make up for it, sent me to quiet care and gave me my own room, while the proper medicine finally given worked and I could finally (after almost three days without it) sleep. They apologised, of course, but they still did it. And we all know why.

They also didn’t tell me my lung had partially collapsed. Nor did they give me any advice on how to reverse it.

I also caught a horrible cold from that visit.

The second time was almost as bad. I was constantly given the wrong medicine, and when I told them it wouldn’t work, I was told I was wrong and that it would. Surprise, fuckheads, it didn’t.

Only when the shift changed over and a new doctor saw me did I get the help I needed. I cried when I couldn’t feel pain, I was so happy.

While I was stabilising, the doctor came to see me and quietly told me that my pain was unusual and he would prescribe me stronger, proper medicine. I cried and thanked him, too.

It ended well, yes, but it wasn’t worth the price.

Since then, however, I’ve been suffering. I can’t eat or sleep well, I vomit bile a lot, and the less said about my toilet habits, the better.

What is the point of all of this?

It’s my follow-up to that post, added evidence that I, and people in the same situation as I, get treated like shit because of our conditions. We are treated as leeches and venom, to be tossed back outside as soon as possible. We’re given the worst staff, the worst care, and the worst experience.

And no one cares. And no one changes anything.

And yet this makes me an overblown windbag that doesn’t understand hospitals.

Well, this is my proof. I’m sorry you had to read it, but it’s the truth. You can’t understand things like this unless you’re willing to learn. I hope you learnt something.

[court-of-pokemuses]

Every Kukui ship rated!

I’ve done this over on my main account @/pkmnsdarkqueen, and I think it’s kinda fun. It’s every ship on the muse from this page rated by my personal opinions. For this account I’ve been slowly working on it since January, and since this is a multimuse it took this long. I hope ya’ll enjoy!

Disclaimers directly below and the list under the cut!

strike through=my side commentary, trying to be funny, usually about ship names italicized=if asked I’d be down to rp it mostly just to see how/it it’d work * by name=I just think it’s a wildly random ship bold=ship name and who in it to help you find a certain ship highlights=they are grouped up, again in case you want to find that one ship

Took out category of Kukui and a protagonist/rival/or companion since they’re all children so it’s a hard no. A few other younger characters fit in the other categories though they’ve been judged no as well for the most part. Some shipped but ONLY in the context of the character being grown up.

Took out category of Kukui with pokemon because pokephelia. In multiship some of them have a pokemon and these have been dubbed as being one of the human’s part pokemon.

ships on ‘never ending romance’ website. Before asked yes mun has other ships she likes that aren’t listed, but Im only focusing on those listed.

Kukui w/ Villian

Top rated ships: LabSafetyShipping

Bottom rated ships: FieryNutShipping

DarkParadiseShipping - Guzma & Professor Kukui 4/10 I don’t think it’s bad I just genuinely love Plumeria and Guzma so much. Also they’re both unwilling to say sorry to fix their friendship I don't think that’s a good sign for long term. Maybe in the early days tho.

*FieryNutShipping - Lysandre & Professor Kukui 1/10 Who named this ship, I just want to talk. Anyways I get Lysandre has a thing for profs but c’mon now Kukui is too down to earth for this guy.

LabSafetyShipping - Colress & Professor Kukui 7/10 Colress smacking him left and right for not having proper safety. Tbh tho it could be kinda cute. Like Kukui is more brass tax and put em up approach to science meeting cool calculated and methodic. 

PurescienceShipping - Faba & Professor Kukui 3/10 Ok so we know Faba has a man crush at the minimum on The Masked Royal. I don’t think it’d be reciprocated on Kukui’s end tho makes for fun plot.

Kukui w/ Elite

GrandSlamShipping - Kahili & Professor Kukui 5/10 I mean this is one of those that depends on interpretation cause we don’t get too much info on Kahili from the games. In pokemon Masters she’s pretty cool though so I’d give it a shot. 

*NowWeHereShipping - Drake (Hoenn) & Professor Kukui 3/10 I love the name cause it’s like,”yeah...yeah why not this, heck!” So Drake and Kukui would be interesting, I think there’s a bit of an age gap between them which would make somethings awkward but also I can just see them both enjoying exploring things together. 

Kukui w/ Gym leader or trial captain

EducationalbattleShipping - Ilima & Professor Kukui 0/10 Ok so according to the internet Ilima is either 11 or 19??? Just kind of a weird age thing there cause Kukui looks like 28 to me and they seem to of known each other awhile so no on this. 

*HotMovesShipping - Professor Kukui & Flannery 0/10 Heh, 2 high energy people in a room together. Yeah this seems great to me as a friendship because Flannery is 18 folks and again that’s just kind of a weird age thing. If they met which she was older sure, but rn it’s squeaky.

*MasochisticShipping - Professor Kukui & Gardenia 8/10 I think this could be kinda cute. She’s got the high energy of Flannery with the explorer side of the coin, and some gentleness about her. Yeah I like this alot

OldNutsShipping - Hala & Professor Kukui 0/10 Oof that name, yeah I don’t like that. Ok so it’s cannon they met when Kukui was young. Hala was like a mentor to Kukui. Yeah this just kinda reads bad, don’t like that connotation. 

Kukui w/ Professor or Assistant 

Top rated ships: EternalHoneymoonShipping

Bottom rated ships: TropicalNutShipping

*DreamAttackShipping - Professor Kukui & Fennel 7/10 Yes, please yes. I’m a sucker for high energy meets soft energy and Fennel is certainly a soft gal. Also heck maybe after the dream service closed down she moved to Alola to retire and met this cool nut.

EternalHoneymoonShipping - Professor Kukui & Professor Burnet 100/10 You mean my Kukui OTP? Yes I ship this, it’s cute. They’re relationship is some of the few episodes I’ve seen and they’re adorable man. Seriously I suggest go taking a look at those clips on youtube.

*SturdyGlassesShipping - Professor Kukui & Professor Willow 8/10 The two manly young professors shipped. I mean...ye I’m down. Willow definitely got that yearn for adventure and Kukui brings the chaos. It’d be a cute time. 

TreeNutShipping - Professor Kukui & Professor Sycamore 3/10 I hmmm, I mean maybe? I just idk how they’d work or what they’d have in common really? I just think they’d be good friends but I can’t envision any sparks of romance happening. 

*TropicalNutShipping - Professor Birch & Professor Kukui 0/10 Naw dude. If original Hoenn games are anything to go by Birch for one seems kinda like the stereotypical white straight guy so that’s a killer there. But even past that he couldn’t fight a poochyena, and I don’t think Kukui would be too impressed by that. 

Kukui w/ minor GAME npc

*ArtificialMovesShipping - Professor Kukui & Viscountess Julia 0/10 Look I like this trainer class ok, they’re cool, but like ya’ll she’s like 80??? Um yeah no.

*MoveInversionShipping - Inver & Professor Kukui 4/10 I do think that they’d get along great especially what with this guy twisting moves around and doing cool stuff with em. I’d give it a shot yeah.

Kukui w/ mange character

MoveExpertShipping - Professor Kukui & Ultima 0/10 Again she’s like 80???? No, but he’d love to know how she teaches these cool moves.

Kukui w/ minor MOVIE or ANIME npc

Top rated ships: TreeResinShipping

Bottom rated ships: NewScience, and ScientificUnderstanding shipping

*BeachFireShipping - Macy & Professor Kukui 0/10 And she’s an actual child. that’s a big no.

*FistTechniquesShipping - Clayton & Professor Kukui 6/10 I mean he’s a secluded boi and Kukui is vibrant so maybe it could work with the opposite attract couple. Also Clayton would helped the masked man train.

*IslandStudyShipping - Professor Kukui & Professor Westwood V 0/10 Ya’ll he also super old wtf. Also he isn’t the most trustworthy with scientific information and I don’t see Kukui vining with someone who does that. 

*MoveStudyShipping - Professor Kukui & Marble 2/10 I think they’d get along via adventure, but she seems a bit on the young side. I feel like he’d enjoy mentoring her though.

***MyislandhomeShipping - Professor Kukui & Caroline 5/10 So this is May and Max, wife to Norman. Uhhhhh yeah so home wrecker Kukui? I men if she’s already divorced then I can see it, but Kukui would certainly not be a home wrecker.

*NewScienceShipping - Jarvis & Professor Kukui 0/10 Kukui is in no way a bad guy, he’s all pure, so this is not gonna happen. 

*ScientificUnderstandingShipping - Dr. Akihabara & Professor Kukui 0/10 This is the guy who’s episode caused seizures. So about this ship, the guys a bit crazy so I don’t really see it personally. 

*TreeResinShipping - Meyer & Professor Kukui 7/10 It’s another person with kiddos! Ok so I don’t know if this guy is married or not, cause again Kukui is no home wrecker. But besides that I can maybe see it. Tbh might be cute if they meet both in costume first and fall for each other that way.

 Kukui w/ multiple people: (All are gonna be a no romantically because I don’t see Karen being poly, but I’ll give plot ideas)

Top rated ships: PhylogeneticTree, ColorlessParadise, Copse, Cousin, and Osteology shipping

Bottom rated ships: HotRoastedTreeNut, and HotRoastedTropicalTreeNut shipping 

ColorlessParadiseShipping - Colress, Guzma & Kukui 10/10 I can see them all hanging out for sure. You have the nerd, the rebel, and the jock all in one room and I ship that friendship.

CopseShipping - Professor Birch, Professor Elm, Professor Kukui, Professor Oak, Professor Rowan, Professor Sycamore & Professor Juniper (Gen infinite) 10/10 It’s the pokemon professors! Yeah I wish there was more with them all interactiong and hanging out cause I think they’d get up to some fun shenanigans.  CousinShipping - Professor Kukui, Sun (game) & Moon (game) 10/10 I mean he already hangs out with these nerds and I see it as a mentorship kind of thing which is like what he had with Hala but in his own style.  GreyparadiseShipping - Faba, Guzma & Professor Kukui 9/10 Again we have nerd, rebel, and jock. In a bit more sleepy of a way though. Anime this would work, game no cause Faba betrayed like everyone. Also not as seamless as ColorlessParadiseshipping.

**HotRoastedTreeNutShipping - Lysandre, Professor Kukui & Professor Sycamore 0/10 Oh no the name tho....ooohhhh boi. This would be a situation where Lysandre and Sycamore wanted to bring a third person in. I don’t see it going well though.

**HotRoastedTropicalTreeNutShipping - Lysandre, Professor Birch, Professor Kukui & Professor Sycamore 0/10 Bruh these names with Kukui x3. Ok so again I don’t see this working cause what I said with Birch and Kukui just throws a wrench into the flow with Sycamore and Lysandre.  LeagueChallengerShipping - Challenger Tristan, Faba, Gladion, Hau, Molayne, Professor Kukui, Ryuki, Sophocles, Hapu & Plumeria 5/10 All of them doing big training sessions sounds about right to me, or just them all challenging the league one at a time one day just to see who can get the farthest.  OsteologyShipping - Guzma, Professor Kukui & Professor Burnet 10/10 Osteology, ah yes the study of bones. Kukui and Burnet try to figure out how the fudge Guzma’s brain works. Nah I’m kidding just do think that they’d get together every so often for game night, add Plumeria in there too though! PhylogeneticTreeShipping - Professor Kukui, Professor Sycamore & Professor Juniper 10/10 This is just all the pretty professors minus Sonia. I can see them going to get drinks together though or after a professor meeting going to stay up late at a bar and cheer each other on as they try to flirt or talk to people.  TropicalTreeNutShipping - Professor Birch, Professor Kukui & Professor Sycamore 5/10 Eh kinda, maybe I can see them talking about maybe how mega evolution and habitats go together and maybe how that effects moves. I just see them getting along but only work/research related. 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey God,

i just got back home at my new apartment from a MAST meeting and there’s some things i need to get off my chest that i realized i’ve been avoiding.

honestly, we’ve been a bit distant lately.

im really grateful for MAST and the people they are. and i only wish we couldve bonded on this level sooner but i am glad we’re able to do so now.

we had some deep talks during our hangout today and were very present and intentional with each other and im glad. 

and when jason shared about his family, it made me realize how terrified i am to go home bc i am afraid that nothing will have changed. i love jenny and i love MAST. I love PJosh, Amanda, Jason, and Johnathan bc I dont have to worry about being a burden with them bc i do genuinely love and care for me and want the best for me. They go out of their way to take care of me and make sure im home safe and mentally okay. And I am beyond grateful. Unsun loves me. Jenny Chang loves me. Josh Henderson I think loves me. People actually care for my wellbeing here. And I don’t feel like I have that at home. Not only have I been distancing myself from my family but I’ve been distant with everyone back home in general bc i’ve been so focused on trying to make a community here. Full of people I love and trust and can rely on.

I just dont want to feel like I’m being taken for granted again and just have so many expectations upon me. To be a good daughter, to be a good sister, to do this or do that. My mom was offended I didn’t ask her to help me move to Chicago my freshman year and she only asked me if I wanted her to help me move bc she found out her friends were helping their kids move in. She didn’t ask or offer her assistance. She just expected me to ask bc she wanted to fit in with her friends and prove she was a good mother.

even with my sister, she messaged me today with an expectation of me. instead of being glad or grateful that i would be going home, she asked why i couldnt just leave later and go to lollapalooza with her. is it wrong of me to expect or hope for her to be grateful im coming home at all? why is it so terrible that i dont want to go to lollapalooza? i told her that i still encouraged her to go if we wanted to and im not standing in the way of that. and she even said my mom was willing to pay for my ticket to the concert but im already so in debt to her bc of my mission trip and i dont want to just add onto that.

im also lowkey a lil frustrated rn bc i feel like ive explained my proposal to emily on how to handle utilities 3 times already and yet, she keeps asking and assuming and my patience is starting to run thin. i dont understand why she hasnt taken my proposal seriously or done what i asked her to do. she knows i dont have a phone and seemed willing to call peoplegas herself at first so i dont understand why shes being stubborn about doing it now.

sigh

anyway, in the car today while johnathan was driving me home to my new apartment, he asked what my thoughts on the whole topic were bc i had remained pretty quiet throughout it all. which i did. partly bc i just wanted to listen and be present and not feel the need to say what i think is “right” or the “best answer” and also bc i could never find a good opportunity to enter the conversation without interrupting someone else. and i confessed that at least on the topic of christians vs non-christians, i understood why jason would feel closer to non-christians bc of that expectation that christian communities have. i grew up in the church, yes. But I didn’t meet Christ until the end of 7th grade. And then I was temporarily on a spiritual high but struggled a lot my freshman year of high school and eventually just didnt see it as a priority or a reason to attend at all during my sophomore and junior years. And senior year, I tried to be open and honest and ended up feeling betrayed by James and tbh, im still a little triggered whenever I hear that name. Regardless of who it’s actually referring to and the context behind it. But that is when I came back to God bc I did feel a sense of community and belongingness with my Guatemala team. At least at first. I definitely felt it with Judy and Grace and I was glad to be there with them. But whenever I’ve come home and far too often, I feel like I have to try so hard just to be a part of the community at all and have to try to go to them so I have anyone in my life that I can rely on. Even when it comes to games, I’m often excluded and ignored bc I don’t fit the “standard” or cultural norm. And no one wants to be excluded or outcasted. We’re all insecure about ourselves but bc everyone is too afraid, no one reaches out to those that are left out and they all eventually leave bc they dont feel a sense of community. it’s a toxic culture and i dont want to go back. but yeah, i didnt come back to Christ until my senior year of high school and even then, it was just gaining a deeper understanding of Him through the Word and practical exercises. But mostly from mission training tbh and just being able to get closer with my team. so during that time when i was away from the church, i relied on my non-christian friends and they were the ones that were there for me when things got rough. i was honestly miserable at home and i couldnt handle it on my own and they were there to help me and listen to me and talk to me and be there for me. not my church friends. with them, i just felt betrayed. i tried to reach out to james, only to find out he and the rest of the guys had been gossiping about me behind my back when i so hopefully believed that we were getting closer and on our way to being friends. im shocked whenever people acknowledge my voice and im not ignored bc im so used to that culture and environment. ive tried to cry out to God and while i havent heard these things about me directly, i have heard many people complaining about people singing too loudly or not singing well enough and how it was annoying or keeping them from going to God. And I am so scarred by that toxic culture and behavior and bc that’s the only church I ever knew growing up, it’s affected how I perceive church in general now. And with church, there’s a certain expectation to be a better person and actively try to be more Christlike which I do but bc of that, I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to meet that expectation which just leads me back down the path of perceiving serving as an obligation and work and a burden and something i have to do instead of doing it bc i genuinely care and want to serve God by serving them. It is so easy for me to cultivate deeper relationships with my school friends and really care for them bc there is no expectation for me to do anything. But because I genuinely care, I am able to reach out to them and make sure they’re doing okay and provide my help and services in any way that i can.  with church, im almost forced and expected to reach out and be a good Christian and do everything right.

I know P. Josh knows my character and who I am and loves me for me but every single time I fall back into this mindset of serving bc I feel like I have to serve and I’m being defined by that, I am afraid to tell him and be honest about it bc I know he said previously he’d be weary of someone joining MAST bc they defined themselves by how they serve and I don’t want him to kick me out of MAST bc that’s what I’ve become. And I keep beating myself up over falling back into this place and this habit because I so desperately don’t want to lose this community and this little family that I have here and people that I do love and trust and rely upon so much. I don’t want to disappoint him. I can’t bear to. 

And even at my home church, I never felt like I could speak ill of my parents or vent about what I was going through with them bc my dad was so heavily involved in the church. Everyone knew who he was and I didn’t want to soil his name. I had to be a good Christian and uphold his reputation as his daughter. 

But I hated being defined as “Marty’s daughter” or “Loren’s sister.” I just wanted to be known as Jessica Oh. I wanted to be known as me for me.

And I know I’ve made mistakes at my home church and bc they came back to haunt me later during my high school career, I’m afraid they’ll never go away hear. I made a lot of mistakes my sophomore year and I’ve grown a lot since then. But I’m worried people haven’t forgotten about the mistakes I’ve made and relationships I once had are irreparable bc of things I said or did that I didn’t realize in the moment was wrong. I can’t be fully honest or trust the community with who I am bc I feel like I have to be perfect all the time bc of the expectation and pressure placed upon me. And it’s crippling. It’s a fear that is crippling and I can’t fully handle. I’m letting it stop me from really coming before Christ and being honest with Him and growing as a community bc of my love for Him and yearn to serve Him.

but...it’s definitely tough.

i started crying in the car. i didnt think i would but i really am in a lot of pain over this. i just hope it gets resolved soon.

but anyway, thank you God for providing us with the space and opportunity to share our thoughts and go deeper with each other. it was much needed and meant a lot to me and i do really love them all so much.

thank you, God.

oh last thing—the reason ive never really shared all this with jason in the past is bc i know his own relationship with his family is tense and he cant help me or give any advice on how to solve this issue bc he himself does not know.

but yeah.

thank you, God.