#i’m legitimately considering leaving to another country oh my god

[tang3r1n]

my best friend of five years just said she’d choose trump over kamala because our economy was better under Trump’s presidency

[obxfics]

puppybowl sunday

summary: you spend the day cuddled up watching the puppy bowl

pairing: john b x reader x jj

word count: 1654

a/n: i got inspiration watching the puppy bowl so... here we are lol also when tf is season 2 coming i want more motivation to write and shit please anyways enjoy (also this could technically belong to the “you against the world” universe but also... idk where it would fit lmao so if you want to imagine it like that have at it)

Masterlist

john b groaned as something woke him up. he had been deep in sleep, something he appreciated considering how many late night grocery or food runs he had to do for the residents of figure eight, when he felt someone shift as they laughed. he blearily opened his eyes to see you, sitting up with your back against his headboard and one of his arms flung across your waist, frozen with your hand clapped over your mouth. obviously you hadn't been meaning to laugh that hard.

"what are you doin' up so early?" he rasped, his voice kinda scratchy from sleep.

you smiled down at him and ran a hand through his thick hair, giggling when your fingers got all tangled up in it. "hon, it's two in the afternoon."

he lifted his head real quick and pouted when he saw that jj wasn't included in the cuddle pile. "shit, did i miss jj going off to work?"

"mhm. don't worry, though, i got some food into him and made sure he was wearing his mask. also put the fear of god into him if he didn't wash his hands throughout the day."

john b breathed out a laugh as he imagined you yelling at jj to stay safe at work. almost a year into the pandemic, and jj and john b had spent the whole time quaranting in the chateau to the best of their ability. it had been months since they had seen kie or pope in person for longer than a few minutes, and usually that was only when john b pulled up to the wreck to pick up delivery orders or when jj and john b helped pope's dad with grocery deliveries. at the beginning of everything, you had been spending quarantine with your boys since school was all online and your parents' restaurant was closed. a month or so in, however, regulations had been lifted and the people of figure eight all but demanded for them to reopen, and so you went back home to help your parents with the restaurant and to keep jj and john b safe from anything you could have possibly brought back to them.

you had practically locked them in the chateau, leaving them threatening voicemails if they even thought about going out, but as two months turned into three turned into four turned into five, you realized that the boys needed their jobs as there seemed no end in sight to the pandemic. so jj returned to his job at the country club, and john b got a job busing tables at your family's restaurant. you moved back in to quarantine with them as school started, and you spent practically your whole savings on getting a backup generator and high speed wifi for the chateau so if anything happened, you all would be good. and, despite living through a worldwide panda express, you were quite happy.

beside you, john b shifted his head to rest on your lap so he could see what you were watching on your laptop that had you laughing so hard. a smile grew on his face when he saw the puppies running around on the "football field" and jumping all over the "ref." he looked up at you and felt his chest blossom with warmth at the way you smiled at the puppies and giggled when they flopped over.

"did you really wake me up watching the puppy bowl?"

"hush up," you laughed, "it's a tradition, and you know it. 'sides, you can't tell me you aren't enjoying this as much as i am. i've seen how you and jj get with dogs. y'all may love them more than you love me."

"aw, honey, that's not true," john b cooed. "you know how much we love you. obviously i love you more since i didn't go to work during the puppy bowl, but you know, that's to be expected."

you shook your head and lightly swatted at his stomach. you knew he wasn't being serious. john b loved jj just as much as he loved you, and the feeling was mutual from jj. the three of you had a good thing going, a relationship full of understanding and compassion, and it had taken y'all a long time to get there. you all had things to work through, like jj's daddy issues, john b's abandonment issues, and your trauma from your previous relationship with rafe cameron, but you had gotten through it together, and this quarantine had actually brought y’all closer together which had surprised everyone.

“jj’s gonna be sad that he missed it,” you sighed.

“we’ll just rewatch it with him,” john b assured you. “and we can watch the old ones too.”

there was shuffling as the both of you wriggled around to get into a more comfortable position. at one point the two of you had to lunge to catch the laptop from falling to the floor, but eventually you settled in with john b curled around you and the blankets and pillows providing a sort of nest and elevated stand for the laptop. the room was filled with the soft sounds of puppy barks and whines, and your giggles when one of the dogs did something particularly cute, and john b let out a quiet sigh as he allowed himself to relax against you.

“i think we should get a dog,” you mumbled sleepily as john b clicked on last year’s broadcast. “we can add another cutie to our cuddle pile.”

there was some incoherent whining on your part before you dozed off in his arms. he did his best to focus on the puppies on the screen, but soon he too fell asleep with his face buried in the crook of your neck. that was how jj found you two when he stumbled into the room later that night as he yanked his tie from his neck. he stilled in the doorway, a soft smile pulling at his lips when he saw the two people he loved most in the world all snuggled up together. and then he saw what was pulled up on the laptop.

“oh you assholes!”

the both of you jolted awake, your hand smacking john b in the face as you moved to make sure the laptop wouldn’t fall off the bed. john b rubbed at his eyes and turned to blink up at jj.

“hey, how was work, babe?”

jj shook his head as you rolled over and made grabby hands, obviously asking for cuddles. he put his hands on his hips and frowned down at the pair of you.

“i cannot believe y’all are watching the puppy bowl without me.”

“um... in my defense,” john b started, “they were already watching when i woke up.”

“dude!” you turned your head to scowl at your boyfriend. “jj, baby, come cuddle with us, and we can turn it back on.”

as he kicked his shoes off and rifled around the dresser for comfy clothes, jj shook his head. john b let out a laugh when he realized what he was getting at.

“no can do, babe,” jj told you, smirking at john b as he let his work shirt slide off his shoulders. “the superbowl starts soon, and we’re watching it.”

you fell back on the bed and let out a loud groan. you had been hoping the boys would be too tired to watch the football game. you lifted yourself up on your elbows and glared at the two of them.

“i am legitimately only watching your stupid sportsball for the weeknd. after that i will be passing the fuck out.”

jj laughed and wrapped his arms around you as he flopped down between you and john b. you couldn’t keep your glare on your face when you felt your cheek hit his bare chest. you had missed him all day. there were a few laughs and giggled--and a couples groans of pain--as the three of you got all comfortable on the queen sized bed. finally you and john b sandwiched jj, john b spooning the blonde boy as you nestled in within the warmth of jj’s arms.

“don’t he kiss his kid on the mouth?” you mumbled as one of the players ran out on the field.

a wheeze left jj’s chest as john b shouted his laugh out, causing you to smirk. you had absolutely no clue as to what was happening in the game, or even had any idea as to who the teams were, because like you told the boys, you were only watching for the weeknd concert, and you were getting more and more anxious waiting for it.

“wait, i thought both teams were supposed to be good. why does one team already have like three touchdowns and the other doesn’t have any?”

“honey,” john b said, attempting to hold in his laugh, “just watch and enjoy the game.”

you rolled your eyes, making jj smile fondly. “hon, how am i supposed to enjoy a game i don’t even understand?”

“do you want us to explain?” jj offered sweetly.

“absolutely not. i appreciate it, baby, but i’m too pretty for that.”

jj snickered and pressed a kiss into your hair. “of course you are, babe.”

you nuzzled your nose against his collarbone and tugged your hand from between the boys to gently scratch at john b’s scalp. a hum rumbled deep within the brunette’s chest at the action.

“i love y’all,” you whispered into jj’s skin. “even if y’all make me watch football.”

“well we love you too,” jj returned with a kiss to your cheek and john b’s arm.

“even if you make us watch the weeknd,” john b teased.

“hey! you better appreciate abel or i swear i’m moving out!”

taglist (ahaha heyyy it’s been a while so tell me if y’all want to be removed): @damndunner​ @scandalousfemale @shawnssongs​ @kikifromtheblock​ @write-from-the-heart​ @kurtsconner​ @thatjohnd​ @abbiesthings​ @heavenlymama​ @strangerthanfiction713 @alexis-marrt022 @brithedemonspawn​ @obxsummer​

[merlinmyrddin]

Hello!

Can you recommend me some very underatted gay movies? (I prefer comdey or happy ones if it's possible)

I recently came to realize i am a 23 man who happens to be gay. I don't know what took me so long.

Hello! I am sorry for the time it took me to answer you, but your ask has been playing constantly in my head now for weeks and I had to go down nostalgia lane film-wise...!

I'm also sorry for how long this answer is, I got carried away!!!

So first of all, I am damn proud if you. I know it sounds like empty words but whether you're 13, 23, or 45, being able to say you have found your inner truth is always something to be proud of! And what took you so long? It didn't. We are living in times where people want you to believe you are meant to have your sexuality and/or gender figured out by 18 when in reality, I know more people doing their coming out in their 20's/30's. Because when it comes to being gay, lesbian, bi, trans and queer : this last decade has seen some major changes. But it's ok for people born late 80's and 90's to come out "just" now. We grew up in a time where homosexuality was still taboo in most places. And when I say taboo, I mean that "homosexual" was barely pronounced, sometimes only whispered. A time where "gay panic" was a legitimate defense in court. (Talking from a Western European point of view here again. Many places in the world, including the USA still consider the murder of an homosexual or transgender victim as a legitimate act. And these last years has proven that there was not only the "gay/trans panic" crippling our streets, but also a "black panic" and more recently, an "Asian panic". Short aparte here : "gay panic" doesnt mean "omg, that person is making me question my identity!?" nor is it a term used when thirsty over an actor/actress when openly gay such as "[actor name] oh wow...*gay panic intensifies*... this term is a serious concept a murderer can use in court as a defense when taking the life of someone from the community. This is the law enabling hate crimes.)

To any younger people reading this right now : gay marriage has been legal in France since 2013, in the UK since 2014 and, allegedly, in the US since 2015. This is recent history. People who are mid-20's are historically closer to the HIV/AIDs crisis than of the legalisation of same-sex marriage.

As such, we are made to believe than coming out in our twenties or thirties is doing a late coming out. No, it's not. We are a generation who suffered through systemic homophobia in our formative teenage years. When we were trying to figure who we were, people were marching in the streets calling us names, and trying to defend the idea we did not deserve basic humans rights. (As a side note, I am not implying that such issues are not currently happening. This is mostly western European centred again as I am, well, European. This is also targeted towards sexuality orientations, excluding any gender talks as this is still currently a very real societal issue for which the fight has only just begun. Double side note : I'm not yet fully caffeinated. But hopefully you get the general idea despite my flagrant lack of eloquence on this fine morning.)

Alright, let's move on to films then!

I searched for a long time for happy / comedic films but then I realised I was definitly not the right person to answer that. On a general basis, I enjoy dramas. That's my thing.

So instead, I thought I would list you the first LGBTQ+ Films I ever watched, hoping they'll find you well.

-Stonewall (1995). Not my favourite film, but as a kid, it was great first jump into lgbtq+ history. Sad note : The director of this film died of AIDS shortly after.

-Another country (1984) Based in the 1930's in a public school. Starring Rupert Everett (who just a few years ago came to direct "The Happy Prince", a great take on Oscar Wilde and Alfred Douglas, casting himself as Wilde, and Colin Morgan as Bosie...fantastic film, highly recommand), and starring Colin Firth. Teenagers discovering themselves, from homosexuality to politics. (The parralele made is quite interesting as both young men are misfits...one for being gay, one for being Marxist.) Great watch, but a heavy one.

-Maurice. (1987) God, I love this film. It explores not only coming to term with your sexuality but also what it means to be homosexual for the people around you and the impact it can have on your life, depending on your social background. Starring James Wilby, Hugh Grant and Rupert Graves, this is an other drama which leaves you feeling almost raw. I always had an affinity for British film because of how...real they feel. Best example would probably be Danny Boyle himself. You know what I mean... you grow attached and you feel for these characters. And Maurice does just that. Memorable quote : I am an unspeakable of the Oscar Wilde sort. (And you might think : "Oscar Wilde? Again??" And oh boy, yes. Oscar Wilde again. Yes, he is one of the most well known author, mostly because of The Picture of Dorian Gray, but he is also a major part of Queer history. After all, "queer" has been used as a derogatory term for homosexuals for the time...directed at Wilde during his trial for posing as a somdomite. (No typo there.) Being an unspeakable of the Oscar Wilde sort is an other one of the euphemism like "being a friend of Dorothy") And talking about Wilde...

-Wilde (1997). Biopic, Stephen Fry as Oscar, Jude law as Oscar's lover : Bosie. Incredible. Superb film. I can not find words.

-An Englishman in New-York (not the Sting song. Actually yes, kinda the Sting song. Because both the film and the song are about the same man : Quentin Crisp). Biopic. An artist, writer, actor, Quentin Crisp has always bothered. Painting his nails, wearing make up, criticising the royal family. He was a character. John hurt is magnificent as Crisp, who he had already played in 1975 in The Naked Civil Servant, an other great watch.

- A Single Man (2009). With Nicholas Hoult and Colin Firth. This film was a slap in my face. And it has, in my opinion, one of the greatest speech of all time, during a scene in the classroom :

"[...]Let's leave the Jews out of this just for a moment. Let's think of another minority. One that... One that can go unnoticed if it needs to. There are all sorts of minorities, blondes for example... Or people with freckles. But a minority is only thought of as one when it constitutes some kind of threat to the majority. A real threat or an imagined one. And therein lies the fear. If the minority is somehow invisible, then the fear is much greater. That fear is why the minority is persecuted. So, you see there always is a cause. The cause is fear. Minorities are just people. People like us."

-Pride (2014). [TRAILER] Bloody hell, that film. When we talk about lgbtq+ history, we often thing about the pink triangle and the holocaust, Reagan, Stonewall, AIDS and... fucking Maggie. Margaret Thatcher, the Iron Lady. Again, funny how the past is closer than we think, as I still have friends of mine talking to me about that period in British history that they lived through. The minors strike. The poverty, the crisis of the working class and the HIV crisis. But if you are looking for a film full of hope, from tears to laughter, this is the one. Bread and Roses. Bread, and Roses. And a message, which I believe is the essence of our community to this day : solidarity forever. After all...there is power in a union.

If anybody has other films to add, you are more than welcome to do so.

Love you all xx

[seek-its-opposite]

photosensitivity | wc: 2156 | ao3

prompt from @catarinquar 65. "look at me—just breathe, okay?”

post-demons. warning: some references to suicidal ideation 

*****

Twelve hours after almost shooting his partner, Fox Mulder is released from the hospital in satisfactory health. His partner, whose health is decidedly unsatisfactory, is entrusted with his care. As she signs her name at the bottom of the release form she avoids eye contact with the nurses, half convinced that if they look at her they won’t let her leave. Lately she’s been thinking of howlers.

Scully, silent and reckless, drives them both two hours out of Rhode Island before stopping at a motel on the Connecticut-New York state line. The clouds are threatening what looks to be a hell of a mid-afternoon storm, and she doesn’t want to be on the road with him when it hits. She leaves her rumpled partner in the car with the window cracked while she goes to the front desk, glancing back possessively over her shoulder as the woman behind the counter gets their keys. One room, two beds. “I’m not letting you out of my sight, Mulder.”

She keeps seeing him like she found him, on his knees before the ghosts of his childhood. She sees him praying to the barrel of his gun.

By the time the rain slaps the window Mulder is lying stiff as a board on top of the cheap comforter, hands flat at his side. Scully, doing a poor job at concentrating on the dog-eared copy of Into the Wild she stole from his apartment, eyes him from the corner. The lamp beside her flickers and hums. Lightning flares through the blinds, cutting Mulder in half diagonally like a Vegas magician.

Extreme photosensitivity, the doctor had said, scrawling notes for her on things to look out for. She looks for curtains to close and finds none.

“Shit,” she mutters.

“Scully?” Mulder squints at her from the bed.

“Just the storm.”

He closes his eyes again. “Hey, Scully, if April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?”

She doesn’t even have time to decide whether to indulge him. The next bolt of lightning is close, flashing white-hot outside the window just seconds before the thunder claps. Mulder cries out and grabs his head, sitting up so quickly he slides off the side of the mattress and hits the floor with a crash.

“Mulder!”

He’s unresponsive when she reaches him, flat on his back and glassy eyed on the carpet. Scully crouches at his side.

“Mulder,” she prompts, more measured this time. “Can you hear me?”

She feels his pulse racing in his neck and moves her other hand to his chest, spreading her palm across his stupid, hot-blooded heart. After a second Mulder blinks and focuses on her. He winces and sits up, letting out a long breath.

“Easy,” Scully warns. She grabs his shoulder and guides him, gently, so he’s facing her, sitting against the side of the bed with his left knee at his chest. He slumps back, his arm lolling across his knee.

“I saw my mom,” he says. His voice is rough. “With the cancer man.”

“You have no way of knowing if that’s true.”

“I have no way of knowing if it’s a memory,” he counters. “I know it’s true.”

He leans his head back against the comforter and shuts his eyes.

Scully rests her hand on Mulder’s forehead, her pinkie in his hair and her thumb stroking his brow. His hairline is sweaty. “Mulder, the lightning isn’t good for you,” she murmurs. “It’s triggering your seizures.”

Mulder huffs out a laugh. She wonders what he sees behind those eyelids. “Maybe if you show the storm your badge,” he suggests.

She almost smiles. “I’ll do that.”

The room lights up again. She has to get him out of here. Scully pushes herself off the floor, patting Mulder’s leg as she stands. He looks up at her. “I was kidding,” he says.

“I’ll be right back.”

The bathroom has no window. It’s short on floor space, but if she folds a towel for him to sit in front of the bathtub here, folds another in front of the sink here—with the door closed it should work. There’s a shell-shaped night light plugged into the outlet; she flips the switch and the room glows faint pink, so warm and sweet she’s overcome with love with it for a second. Dana, look at you, she thinks. You can’t tell the difference between a panic room and a home.

“Come here,” she says to Mulder, and holds out her hand. She pulls him to his feet.

When he sees the bathroom he says, “I didn’t realize we checked into the Ritz.”

She replies, “I used your card.”

They sit on worn towels in their socks with their knees touching. In the shadows she can almost trick herself into thinking they’re on a stakeout.

“You don’t have to stay in here,” he tells her, trying to sound casual. “If anything happens I’ll just scream in agony.” He doesn’t pull off the joke.

“I’m good,” she soothes.

He called her in the middle of the night with blood down his shirt and she came to find him. It’s been too late to leave for years.

“Scully—” Mulder pauses.

She waits.

“That was the third time I’ve aimed my gun at you.”

“I wasn’t keeping track,” she replies. A lie. “How’s this lighting for you? Is this better?”

“Scully.”

“No. I’m not going to do this right now.”

“Do what?” he pleads.

“Make this about your guilt. We’ve both aimed our weapons at each other. God, Mulder.” She gestures at his shoulder. “I shot you.”

She shot him is the tamest way to put it. She shot him so he wouldn’t spend his life in jail. She drugged him and drove him across the country, slept in rest stop parking lots at dawn, wet an old washcloth with the melting ice water from the bottom of her cooler and draped it across his forehead. She never talks about that part. She understands that they are each tallying up the wrong score, that when they look at themselves they see the ways they hurt each other as more legitimate than the ways they heal. In their pact to trust each other they count only the breaches of contract.

It’s been scaring her lately to think of what legacy she might leave with him. To think he could get it so wrong. It makes her furious.

“You want me to tell you I think you were reckless and stupid?” she continues. “I do! You put a hole in your head. But we both know that’s not what you feel bad about.”

Thunder rumbles muted above their heads.

“I had to know,” Mulder insists.

“You could have killed yourself, Mulder.” She’s angry now, properly. Her ribs feel like they’re trying to break out of her body. “Do I mean that little to you?”

His lips part, like one of his fish.

“I need you,” Scully sniffs. Her voice is very small.

Mulder reaches out and touches her shin with just his fingertips. She shudders.

“I’m here,” he says.

“Then listen to me.” She takes a breath, steadies herself. “Stop punishing yourself like it’ll make me better. I never asked for your penance.”

“You don’t ask for anything.” He sounds almost bewildered.

“I do,” she says bitterly. She thinks, You just haven’t noticed.

She can’t believe she thought it was him showing up at her door on a Friday night with a bottle of wine. Desire makes her foolish; it has since she was a girl.

At this point—because their lives are a divine joke—they’re rudely interrupted. In the low light Scully tastes the warm blood on her upper lip before Mulder can see it. A nosebleed. Fuck. Now? She cups her palm beneath her nose and lunges for the sink, leaning over it, knuckles white around the counter.

“Oh, Scully,” Mulder sighs. He stands.

“I’m okay. It’s not that bad.”

It’s really not, considering. She pinches the bridge of her nose and takes stock of her body. There’s a dim ache in her head, a low throbbing just between her eyes. Her neck is stiff. Her limbs are sore; her ankles will probably be bruised tomorrow from sitting on the tile, even with socks on. She bruises so easily now, her soft, bad-apple skin. She’ll need a full night of sleep tonight. She should eat something that doesn’t come from a vending machine, but that might be pushing it.

Mulder reaches for the toilet paper, and she holds up her hand to stop him.

“Give it a minute,” she says. Over time she’s learned it’s easier to just bend over the sink or the toilet and wait it out until it slows down. Her blood stains the ceramic basin food-coloring red.

Mulder hovers at her shoulder, so charged with anxious energy she can almost hear him worrying. She’s his little watched pot; it’s like he thinks if he stays close, she can never boil over.

“Mulder, I’m in here to take care of you,” Scully sighs, and even though she doesn’t mean it as anything close to a joke, she finds it suddenly funny. What a pair. She laughs a weak, wet laugh and wipes a tear from her eye.

He chuckles. “We can take turns.”

Without looking up at him, she orders, “Sit down, Mulder.”

He sits on the closed toilet, nervous hands clasped between his spread-wide knees.

After a while her nose stops bleeding. Scully accepts one wad of toilet paper from Mulder to wipe down the sink and a few squares to bunch in her hand, just in case. As she’s washing up she notices the way her palm, the one she held up to him earlier, is smudged at its center with dried blood. She thinks of Stevenson’s Black Spot, of Shirley Jackson’s, and wonders if Mulder is getting the picture yet: Dana Scully, marked for death.

What she does not think of is the stigmata. She hasn’t had much time lately for resurrection.

She sits back down on the floor, this time taking the towel at Mulder’s feet, and leans against the wall—looking up at him now, as usual. The right half of his face glows night-light pink; the left is dark. She stares into the chiaroscuro contours of his silhouette and knows that for better or for worse he’ll get the last of her. He can’t die when she does; he can’t. She fiddles with the toilet paper in her hand.

“You know I don’t blame you for this,” she says quietly. Her mouth tastes like iron. “You’re disrespecting me if you blame yourself.”

Mulder shakes his head. “Scully, you’ve given me four years of your life.” His voice catches on something he doesn’t say. “After everything you’ve done for me, for Samantha—you deserve the truth as much as I do.”

No. He did this in her name? “Mulder.”

He leans forward, elbows on his knees. “You should know her, Scully. You should’ve known her.”

She, leaning forward too, clasps her hands too hard around his palms. “I know you,” she says fiercely.

Mulder, at a loss, shuts his eyes and sobs without tears. His chin drops toward his chest, shoulders heaving.

Scully shifts on the towel so she’s on her knees, pushing herself up to meet him. She puts a finger underneath his chin and guides his face up to look into hers. His eyes are dry when he opens them, but his breathing is ragged.

This desperate, passionate thing between them scares her. She swallows the bitter taste on her tongue.

“Hey, look at me,” she urges. “Just breathe, okay?”

He breathes. She cups his cheek.

“I do not accept answers like that,” she insists. This, too, is an order. He nods, dazed.

She sees him kneeling before sun-faded photos of a smiling little sister and two cold New England parents. He was raised to be sacrificed to a cause and he’s been trying ever since.

Thunder rolls in the distance. Scully puts her hands on Mulder’s knees. Her head throbs.

“Tell me something about Samantha I don’t know,” she says. She sits back on her heels.

Mulder pauses and takes another uneven breath. He smiles gingerly. “She loved doing cartwheels,” he says. “She was always crashing into the couch when it was too cold for her to do them outside. There just wasn’t room. She always thought this time there would be enough room.” His eyes start to well up.

“After Sam broke her collarbone she couldn’t do cartwheels for months, so she taught me how to do them out in the yard. She was like a drill sergeant." He laughs through his nose. "It was fall, and she made me clear the leaves like a runway.”

He’s crying now. Mulder runs a hand over his mouth and sits back. He looks at Scully, ruined.

“Do you think he’s her father too?”

[hubblebubblehub]

yona 197 thoughts

Firstly, behold. I am alive. This chapter honestly made my brain malfunction for a good minute or so, I legit had something akin to a stroke. I honestly believe this chapter encapsulates what has gone wrong with Yona’s storytelling. I understand this is a ‘memoir’, but even backstories whose existence is to deliver exposition require decent consistent characterisation, and a balanced mixture of ‘show don’t tell’ mixed with foreshadowing to result in something... bearable. This chapter was legitimately almost unbearable to read because I think Kusa herself has lost the plot.

To organise my thoughts Imma just put some lil subheadings.

Yon-hi

You know what? Ever since chapter 190 I realised that Yon-hi didn’t have much of a character other than that of an exposition clown. So this lame wrap up on her character was bearable to read, because it’s not as if she had the potential to be anything more than a ye old exposition dump. It’s still frustrating to read her ‘acknowledge’ her own faults, which also make no sense since we haven’t seen a proper build up in a change of thoughts. Yes, she acknowledged her husband was a brute to a certain extent, but apart from this chapter I don’t see her recognising the IMPORTANCE of her position and how her passiveness is stopping her from wielding more influence to prevent tragedy that so clearly hurts her. Sure, she notices that as a country bumpkin amongst nobles she stands out, but even 10 years after the genocide of the priests she never once confronted her husband about it. Or anyone really. Why the change of heart now? The excuse that her husband and Kashi (whom she wasn’t really friends with in the first place?? Honestly I think she was just attached to her out of guilt for what happened) are dead doesn’t explain why she would suddenly have the urge to take some sort of action since the past decade proves she thrives in complacency.

Additionally her relo with her son... I don’t even understand it anymore. She claims she loves Soo-Won but then she writes a letter to her brother-in-law basically asking him to ‘watch out for him’ like MA’AM HE IS YOUR SON. What happened to the role she devoted herself to, as a MOTHER?? I honestly give up trying to understand it.

Il

Oh boi. I thought Yon-hi and Yu-hon had an awful characterisation but Il really takes the cake. I thought I could accept Il’s cowardice since it his duality has been hinted at throughout the whole manga, but honestly it makes close to no sense here. I’m surprised no-one decided to assassinate him the first few years into his reign. I would’ve done it tbh.

This chapter just brings more questions into his passive nature. Why the HELL did he just sit and wait around for something to happen after hearing about the future? Yes, as a religious devotee, he probably accepted the future as fact, but why didn’t he do ANYTHING about it? It seems like he banned weapons out of guilt of his murder, not to actually stop Soo-Won (since he ‘accepted’ that destiny of dying by his nephew’s hands). 

If he knew that Yona would not only face hardship from her position as a reincarnation, but her own freaking family, why didn’t he take counter measures? I don’t understand why he wouldn’t try to empower her so that when he would eventually leave her, she would be able to take care of herself. His attitude to Soo-Won also makes no sense too. If he already accepted he would die by his hand, why didn’t he ban/prevent him from visiting the castle? And if he already accepted his fate, why didn’t he just let the marriage go through anyway? He could clearly see that Soo-Won didn’t detest Yona and would care for her, Yona would be happy with him (provided the murder wouldn’t happen lmfao).

Oh and also, if he knew all these shitty events were going to happen? What was his excuse for not taking care of the country, leaving more than hundreds to starve, live in poverty and die? ‘I’m a placeholder and my brother must not become King. Also I leave everything to the gods’ divine will because I’m a really great religious follower uwu’. Not ‘I’ll properly communicate with my brother, nephew and court to make this country a better place while I’m here to prevent the mistakes of the past.’ He acknowledges he’s not a great King. Why doesn’t he acknowledge and humble himself asking for advice from his advisors. Like whAT

Il & Kashi

Poor Kashi lmfao. Kusa in this chapter really trying to convince us they had a loving relationship and Il was simply just trying to avenge his wife. Sure, let’s say Il did love Kashi. He did a really awful way of expressing it, to the point Kashi genuinely believed he only married her to make the designer baby that is Yona. And I don’t see proof of otherwise tbh. I guess you could argue that Il  & Kashi had some chemistry during the garden scene with Ik-Soo... but also Kashi was a ‘kid’ apparently so call the FBI lmfao. There are honestly no scenes or buildup that convince me that Il loved Kashi without the involvement of the divine. Kashi, maybe. I think she admired him but I see none of that from Il. Even when he flat out murders his brother, his defense isn’t ‘YO THAT WAS MY WIFE YOU JUST MURDEREDDD’ It was ‘THAT WAS THE MOTHER OF THE RED DRAGON’. I think these are self explanatory.

Also to that anti-Soo-Won translator who was saying how this line by Il basically disproves everyone who thought he didn’t love Kashi- it really doesn’t. If anything it just shows how terrible the writing has been for this arc because it’s nowhere near believable enough to accept as truth. Show me scenes where Il is actually.... showing affection and being in a loving and equal relationship with his wife smh

Romance

Il’s reliance on ‘love’ also makes no sense as well, and also highlights how problematic romance is in this series. Considering how ‘girl power’ this series is with Kouren, Lili & her bodyguards, Yona and even Kashi to a certain extent, it makes no sense that Il would choose to leave everything to a man who simply ‘loves Yona and will never betray her’. Like,,, did the events that transpired TEACH HIM NOTHING?? 

Sure only men can become Kings but it seems Queens have a significant position as well. And since Yona is the red dragon... wouldn’t like,, everyone know and respect and hold her on a higher level regardless lmfao like WHAT IS IL THINKING?? He knows that Yona ended up as a superficial spoilt princess as she grew older, but what did he do to rectify that?? n o t h i n g, except attempt to throw another man (Hak) to help solve the (future) problem.

A great grey point this manga has made since the beginning of the series is ‘Prioritising one individual will cause an entire Kingdom to fall to ruin’. So this is why I don’t understand Il’s actions. Yu-hon committed genocide for his wife, whom he loved (also a really poorly built up romance but this chapter ain’t about them), and APPARENTLY murdered Kashi too (dang it... such a weak and predictable outcome, I’m disappointed in you Kusa). Il killing Yu-hon caused Soo-Won & all the Yuhon stans to seek vengeance (although he also did kinda murder him for the sake of Kouka, but nonetheless her adored his father). SO WHY ON EARTH DOES IL THINK LOVE FROM ANOTHER PERSON IS GONNA SAVE HIS DAUGHTER. MAYBE FOR SOMEBODY ELSE BUT CERTAINLY NOT THE ROYAL DAMN FAMILY.

Also just because Hak clearly was devoted to and had affection for Yona, did not mean that Yona would feel the same way, which is arguably is ANOTHER IMPORTANT FACTOR IN A RELATIONSHIP. It seems like Il doesn’t give a damn about his freaking daughter honestly. But maybe who knows, Il has 500 IQ and decided to be passive so Yona would develop feelings for Hak. It was all part of his master plan, while he left most of his kingdom to suffer, no biggie.

Writing

This was such a painful arc to read. I swear Kusa tried to engage her fanbase by constantly making plot twists every chapter. Yu-hon is a good guy. SIKE he’s not. SIKE Il is kind of worse. SIKE Yu-hon bad and should never be one the throne. Il is an okay guy. SIKE he’s borderline religiously fanatic. SIKE Yuhon the crazy one. SIKE Il weird af because he marries Kashi to have baby dragon Yona. SIKE he actually loved Kashi he just DiDn’t MAkE HiS FeElings KnoWn.

Honestly that doesn’t even cover how inconsistent other characters like Yon-hi are either. Bleugh

Predictions for 198?

Maybe Yona will take it upon herself to rectify the wrongs done and pull herself together. Perhaps also do something more substantial than have a deus ex machina bunch of books deliver to information right into her hands. Also maybe show what Soo-Won thinks of this memoir? Surely he’s read it... if he hasn’t then like bye. This series is honestly breaking my heart with every monthly update I swear.

///might rant more later

[palmtreepalmtree]

Alright, friends and enemies.  I’m back with the most recent edition of The Worst Movie on Netflix Right Now™.

Tonight, we’re gonna talk about a little movie called Roped.

I’d love to say that you can learn everything you need to know about this movie from its one-sheet, but naw.  I mean, you look up you see a cowboy and a cowgirl kissin’ in the rain.  Nothing like a little ranching love, right?

Yeah, no.  The premise of this movie is that a rodeo rolls into a small Northern California town where it immediately faces opposition from the animal-rights progressives who don’t want that kind of cruelty-for-entertainment in their town.

The main characters are young rodeo rider Colton, played by legitimate hottie Josh Swickard, and pre-frosh at UC Santa Cruz Tracy, played by....

...Lauren Swickard?  Yeah.  Looks like the two stars of this little film got married last year.  She was originally credited on the production as ‘Lorynn York’, but she’s making a change.  And you know, what?  Good on you, Lauren.  You’re a good looking couple and I wish you both many happy returns.  

And now I’m going to insult your very fine work in this here production of Roped.

So Tracy wants to be a lawyer and is entering a 6-year program at UC Santa Cruz to get her law degree fast (Is this even a thing? Never heard of it).  But in her last summer in her small hometown (somewhere in Sonoma, I believe), the rodeo has come into town.  Only thing is her town councilman dad (played by Casper Van Dien, helllllloooo daddy), is a passionate vegetarian and thinks the rodeo should leave.  

That’s it.  That’s the conflict.  It’s a cheap-ass reverse version of Footloose, where the preacher’s councilman’s daughter just wants to go to the rodeo and eat a damn cheeseburger but her father won’t let her because of his values.  

I gotta tell you folks, the biggest problem with this movie is that it’s fucking boring.  There is no meaningful conflict here.  Yeah, her dad gets mad when he catches her doing various shocking things like sneaking in a half hour past her 12:30 curfew.  But Tracy and Colton are both adults and there is nothing stopping them from having a summer fling.  

A summer fling that involves nothing more than consensual kissing---but only once Tracy has ended things with her asshole high school boyfriend.  He’s careful to make sure not to kiss her before then.  Because that would be morally wrong.  “Love is worth the risk”?  What fucking risk?  Everything in this movie is set up to be so perfectly honorable and polite that there’s nothing interesting going on. The stakes are so low, I started to wonder if this was a movie or just a Ken Burns’ documentary about America’s heartland.

But then I remembered.  Oh yeah.  If this was a documentary, there would be a hell of a lot more Jesus in this movie.

And that’s the thing that just really sucks about Roped.  It’s bullshit.  It presents a world in which the animal-loving townspeople are so closed-minded they can’t see the beauty and value of the rodeo.  They’ve lost touch with the history of the rodeo.  And they don’t know rodeo people, because if they did, they would understand how well rodeo people value the animals and how well treated and cared for the animals are.  

Now look, I don’t know shit about animal treatment and the rodeo.  I’m not wading into that business here. But I have been to two rodeos in the last ten years, including a fairly recent one in Yuma, Arizona.  And if there is one thing this movie gets plain wrong is that no one at this fictional rodeo ever talks about Jesus.  And that matters.

Consider how a Christian movie review site describes the themes in Roped:

“ROPED has a strong moral worldview where the rodeo cowboys overcome the Romantic, politically correct, progressive, environmentalist worldview of the townspeople led by Tracy’s vegetarian father. The cowboys show the closed-minded progressives how the cowboys actually take care of and love the rodeo animals. The movie also extols family and thankfulness.”

And you know what?  That’s an accurate description of the film.  

But if the politically correct progressives are the closed-minded ones, does that mean the rodeo cowboys are open and accepting of all peoples?  Is that what we’re supposed to take away here?

If so, that’s a fucking fantasy.  And a delusional one at best.  

I mentioned having been to a rodeo recently, because the one I attended opened with the emcee announcing to the crowd that there are people in this country who want to take away religious freedom and take away their right to worship god, but there at the rodeo, they would never stop worshiping our lord and savior Jesus Christ, and god bless the rodeo and god bless the United States of America.  The crowd uproariously applauded.

Now I have no problem with opening an event with an invocation or prayer. It can be a meaningful and thoughtful moment. It can invite all people into a moment of welcoming and thoughtfulness.  But it’s quite another to begin an event with a declaration that your right to worship Jesus is under attack, and to equate loving god with being a patriot.  As an atheist and a Jewish person who does not accept Jesus into my heart, I felt so uncomfortable, I felt like I should leave.  

And that’s the problem with so many of these small town fantasy movies.  They present these smalls towns as loving and caring communities.  People who look out for each other in a way that people don’t do in the big city.  People connected by bonds to the land and this small town life.  And sometimes they mention God.  

But they don’t talk about Jesus.  Not the way real people in the United States talk about Jesus.  So often, real people in these small towns talk about Jesus in a way that excludes all others from that warm circle of welcoming that they feel so proud of.

This is not everyone.  It’s not.  I don’t want anyone to walk away from this post thinking that I dislike Christians.  I do not.  I actually think there can be something valuable in any religion and especially in the communities built around them. But those communities have to be open to all and they have to be respectful of those who are different.   

And for this movie to thematically accuse its progressives of being closed-minded without fully and accurately representing the way that rodeo culture can also be closed-minded makes this film doubly reprehensible.  Not only is it boring and bad, its moral superiority is unearned bullshit.  And for that, it is The Worst Movie on Netflix Right Now™.

But hey, at least Christian film reviewers and profane atheist film reviewers can agree on some things:

That said, ROPED is a lackluster romantic drama that doesn’t evoke any emotion in the audience other than making viewers want to watch something else. 

Giiiiiiiiiiiirl, same.

[bangtansfavwriter]

💘bangtan as boyfriends: yoongi💘

-you’re the only person in the country to have exclusive rights to squish his dumpling cheeks

-he acts all annoyed when you do it but you know he loves it

-caress his cheeks and play with his hair and he’s putty in your hands

-very soft cuddles, that help him recharge, you make all the stress go away that yoongi deals with on a daily basis (explains your exclusive rights on his honey cheeks)

-giggles when u kiss his nose

-loves taking candids of you, especially when you’re laughing

-actually remixed your laugh into one of his songs

-you always try to get him to teach you bangtans choreography and he’s like “why learn fire, when there’s a masterpiece namend SEESAW, i see where your loyalty is, y/n”

-your holly’s fav person tbh and yoongi is JEALOUS, he’s legitimately more jealous of a dog than he’s been of any other guy

-but he still dislikes it if another guy makes u laugh a lot, won’t ever admit it tho but you’d still know bc of *the pout*

- doubts himself a lot when he’s under stress, so he can sometimes be passive aggressive and make petty comments

-that was also the reason for the biggest fight you ever had bc he snapped at u one day and you gave him a piece of mind when you snapped right back and explained (/yelled out) that being under stress does not give you the right to make other people stressed too and that you only put up with it bc you didn’t wanna be a burden to him, as the comeback was already draining enough

- but you too are only human and this petty mood he was in was draining for you too, which he finally realized when you put him in his place. the realisation came when he was sitting on the staircase at your building after he stormed out of your flat. after an angsty scene at your doorstep in which he apologised while crying, you let him in, under the condition this won’t ever happen again, which he promised you. and min yoongi is a man of his word.

-yoongi is just whipped…. I know I say it a lot but yoongi looks at you so softly, you can actually feel his love for you, that’s also why this fight also had such a big impact on him bc he actually hated himself for hurting you, that’s why he wanted to change his behaviour for the better

-and this made him realise that you indeed were changing him for the better & this made him even more attached to you 💕

-jk once tried to joke about it (the softness™)  but you two shut him down so fast that jimin fell off the chair laughing, tae choked on his strawberry milk and jk walked out pouting and you then heard this from his room

-jk’s revenge was manipulation. he tricked you into pranking yoongi, when you prepared soup for him and made you pour in more soy sauce than usual, but you still put in an amount that wouldn’t actually decimate yoongi’s taste buds… when you looked away for 5 (!!!) seconds to look after holly, jk poured in some extra salt and while talking to you and stirring this monstrosity on the stove. you left the kitchen for a bit to take care of holly for a few minutes, jk stayed behind and said that he’s gonna take care of the soup……….. jin came in for a minute, looked at the food with big eyes (it did look good! the taste was just….) and was 1 second away from tasting it when jk was like “HYUNG NOOOO” and jin almost choked on his saliva and you barged into the kitchen with yoongi when you heard jk scream. “this is……. it’s for suga hyung…y/n prepared it with love~”. the rest of you just wondered if jk’s is like, ok, nodded and you prepared the table.

yoon: “you can leave if you don’t wanna eat, you know”

jk: “… I’m full when I see you eat, hyung. Y/n seems like a pretty solid cook, it should be tasty!”

yoongi smiled and started eating and you watched in horror when yoongis face started to look like shrivelled grape and he grabbed the water bottle and drank half of it in one go. you put 2+2 together when jungkook started laughing so hard that he was wheezing and screamed “REVENGE IS A DISH SERVED SALTY”. you apologized to yoongi for this traumatic food experience and were deeply embarrassed about it, but yoongi calmly said it’s ok (but his eyes said pain), smiled and squeezed your hand. that was jk didn’t see coming. just like the banana yoongi suddenly grabbed and threw at the maknae, hitting him right at the back.

jk: “hy- ahhhh, ok I deserved this. oh god, is this what caesar felt like??” (leaves the kitchen while rubbing his back)

yoongi: “dancing is the second best thing hoseok has taught me” (laughs)

you: (laughs too) “you ok tho??”

him: “i need to eat something sweet or I may never taste something ever again. I may need to snort icing sugar off somewhere.”

you: “is this your way of dirty talk or are you actually dying?”

him: “…….. both”

you: 👀

him: 👀

- btw jk now believes in true love after witnessing this

-you’re actually a really chill couple except when you have to deal with maknae line’s antics

-jimin comes to you guys for relationship advice and yoongi’s always like “listen here, kid” and you once overheard how he said “jimin.. i really can’t help you with that. it was a mere coincidence that the universe has brought y/n to me, i was just very lucky to meet the love of my life at this age” and you!!! clutched your chest !!! and almost squealed tbh, bc tHAt was the cutest, sweetest thing you ever heard him say and you gave him sooo many kisses later on, which surprised him bc you weren’t one for pda and neither was he but he didn’t mind, only asked you if there’s some special occasion he missed

-realized he’s in love with you when you rapped to nwa… i shit u not, you were doing surprise karaoke with the guys, where everyone choose a song for the next in line and wins if the person fails to sing, and namjoon started playing his 90s playlist when it was ur turn to sing and lanky boi cackled his ass off bc he was so sure of his choice until you started spitting fire along the late and great eazy e

-what you didn’t notice that moment was that yoongi, who was crushing on you for agees, looked at you with the biggest heart eyes and was like “omfg??? love of my life ????” and hobi was like “huh????” and saw yoongi’s huge grin and was like “oh myyy~~”

-pranked you at ur anniversary when he gave you an acrylic stand instead of the huge bouquet he was gonna give you later on, regret all of his choices when u threw the acrylic stand after him and it accidentally hit jin and u both died laughing and had to take out jin to dinner with you for him to forgive you

you: you seriously wanna third-wheel us on our anniversary

jin: you should have thought about the consequences before you hit me with that 98% aim

you: only 98%?

jin: please leave me my last bit of pride

you: i could make you some soup

jin: no thank you, not after i heard yoongi’s soul almost left his body bc of something you considered to be soup

yoongi: he has a point

you: i was PRANKED you dipshits

-all in all, very soft and slightly cracky relationship, so it’s very balanced with you two

-yoongo cooks for you very often bc he likes pampering you tbh, and you love being pampered so yeah

-he dreams about your life together a lot and has a lot of things planned for you

-very very devoted to you, your relationship and your future together ofc

- but he’ll always be salty about how holly’s basically left him for u

( holly: -excitedly runs to you when you arrive-

yoon: et tu, brute?

jk: now you understand huh)

[speakingtoheal]

The whole of  it.

This is important, revere; and it is not another mental health episode. It is, however, directly related to them. I will not turn 30 or leave the country without it being said.     After the last one, I sat and asked myself why in the hell even after 5(?) 6(?) years since you stood me up, I was still having these moments. I’d been convinced that maybe it’s because you’re the one or something. I’ve since come to learn about trauma bonding.

We’re going to delve into a story here. I’ve considered the idea that this will just get you hard, and it probably will. It reads like a narrative of the porn I found on your computer back then. But, I don’t care. I need to know that I’ve said what I know. I may still be missing pieces, but I’ll be damned if you get to live just not thinking about it when it haunts me while I study Spanish or even just take interest in potential partners.    It started when  a couple memories suddenly became very real. I was racking my brain going back in the history of our interactions trying to figure out why I kept doing this. All along, I’ve remembered that something repulsive happened during what I’ve remembered both then and ’til this moment thought of as  a “hate fuck” or just one last rough fuck.

   Suddenly the reality of this memory became clear to me, but the details took an entire summer to show up. since then, Ive disassociated too many times to count, had panic attacks, lost friends, and even considered checking myself in.

You’ve found Grindr on my phone and broken up with me. You called it right there and got up out of bed, pulled out your dick, and pointed to the edge of the bed in front of you. For some reason I thought I was getting a chance, so I scurried over and bent over. I don’t remember how, but from there you got me over to the space in front of your cabinet thing.

You took my face in your hands and pulled my mouth open, and stuck your fingers in my mouth to hold it open while you stroked yourself a little. Then, you stuck the other thumb in my mouth and used it to pull my mouth open and keep it there. Soon, you’re face fucking me. For a minute it’s fun like normal, but it becomes so brutal and relentless that I’m hurting and gasping for air between thrusts. I don’t remember how, but you get me back over to the same spot at the bed. I’m already in a little bit of shock, but I don’t know it , so I obey immediately.

    Here, you bend me over. I don’t remember if you even spit on my hole, but I do remember that there was no lube. I remember putting my hands behind my back, and you pulled them tight enough that it hurt and held them there so tightly that I couldn’t move. Then you shoved into me without lube so hard that I gasped in pain.Very shortly after, you’re shoving my face so hard into the bed that I have to squirm to turn my head a little because I’m pretty sure that my nose is about to break. Your pounding me hard and mercilessly.

Im in pain, and you’re angling to where it hurts internally now, just as much as it does externally. Faced shoved down, I’m panicking and trying to make sense of what is happening. The words cross my mind.. “oh my god, am I being raped?”

    At this point I disassociate so hard that I’m watching it all happening from the side. This disassociation from this specific event is what will last  until  2019. I feel my stomach churn and remember how I’ve always joked to myself that the way I get the shits when I’m in duress would be my payback if anyone ever tried to rape me. Things start to get easier, and this has been happening so violently all along that  I ask myself if blood is lubing me up.

There’s legitimate fear of prolapse and reconstructive surgery dancing around my head. “Should I go to the ER after the? No, they’d do a rape kit. I can’t put you in danger like that, I love you too much. So I still quite literally can’t believe what’s happening. I determine that I won’t let you get what you want out of this, so I start moaning like I like it. In my head, I won’t let you think you hurt me. “Shut up, someone will hear you.”, you bark. Finally I feel my churning stomach release and I push hard. I will happily shit all over you for doing this to me if it will make you stop. Finally the pain stops as much as it can.

You pull out and toss me back over to the other spot. I watch you grab a rag and wipe your dick off, but I wasn’t paying attention. You walk over to me and open my mouth and hold it open again. Then you’re face fucking me, but it’s harder this time and the angle is different.  You’re hurting me and you’re not concerned about it. I look up at you to figure out what’s happening and my heart stops as I see more hate and disgust  in your eyes than I’ve seen in damn near anyone’s in person before.

     That’s when I start to taste and/ or smell it. Could…no…what…? I manage to tilt my eyes/head enough to see your dick through the tears in my eyes, covered in my own shit, fucking it into my mouth. I try to tell you with my eyes to stop, but you go harder, so I try to bite down an against you. For a minute I think about chomping your dick clean off. But, again; I love you, I can’t hurt you like that.Still, a little test chomp is the only thing that makes you stop. This is where the most visceral memory becomes clear; one of the only anchors I had to even believing myself in this, I crawled over, shaking,, grabbed my underwear and, still on my knees, started scraping out my mouth and throat while you look down at me. I look up at you as if to say “what the fuck” and you look down and shrug a little as if to say “so?” I finish wiping my mouth out while you bark at me to hurry up and get dressed and leave because you have to go to work and “you better not fucking be here when I get back.” I am silent in shock.

I almost run down the stairs, still shaking, and I’m shocked to find in the bathroom that not only is there no blood, but nothing’s coming out at all. I push a little, but it hurts to. I’m afraid of what’ll happen if I push more. You’re still barking at me to hurry up, and I obediently scurry out despite the state I’m in. After numbly scream-crying the entire way, for some reason I cannot allow myself to accept yet; I got home and told Lauren everything, and she tried to get me to call it what it was, but I had already disassociated. all it was was one last fuck, right? I can’t sleep in my own bed for over a month and I start putting away both a fifth and a handle of vodka and/or gin a week.

This is why Lauren wouldn’t let you into the neuro ICU. I’m saying it this way because I don’t want to hear any of your inevitable gaslighting. The statute of limitations doesn’t go out for a long time, and I thought about it. But, I have brain damage, the only person I talked to that day hates me now, and I’ve had all those episodes of begging for you. Plus I’m male-presenting. No-one would believe me. Not your clique or your little hypocritical scene because me and trauma bonding gave you every shred of defense you need years ago. I know how this shit goes.

   I can’t be the first or the last. Someday you’ll slip up and you’ll get what you deserve. If there’s any justice in the universe, I’ll only see you again when im shitting on your grave or pulling the plug on your life support.

[recentanimenews]

Manga the Week of 2/24/21

SEAN: As I write this, Texas is being hit with blizzards. Why not curl up… in your dark house with no power… with some manga?

Airship gives us the print volume of the 2nd I’m in Love with the Villainess, and also a print volume for Skeleton Knight in Another World 8.

ASH: I haven’t finished reading the first volume of I’m in Love with the Villainess quite yet, but I suspect I’ll want to pick up the second.

SEAN: Denpa’s site says that The Girl with the Sanpaku Eyes 2 is out next week.

J-Novel Club has a trio of light novels. By the Grace of the Gods 6, Campfire Cooking in Another World 9, and The Greatest Magicmaster’s Retirement Plan 8.

On the manga side, they have The Faraway Paladin 4 and Seirei Gensouki: Spirit Chronicles 5.

Kodansha has two print debuts, though we’ve seen them both digitally before. Cells at Work: Baby! is essentially the superdeformed version of the series.

ASH: I enjoyed the original series, but haven’t managed to keep up with all the spinoffs!

SEAN: A Sign of Affection (Yubisaki to Renren) is one that I’ve gushed about before, but here I am gushing about it again. This story of a boy and girl meeting and falling in love, it’s all about communication, as our heroine is hearing impaired, and our globe trotting hero does not know sign language. Fans of Kimi ni Todoke should check this out.

MICHELLE: I missed this when it was a digital debut, so I’m grateful for a second chance at it.

ANNA: Amazingly, this is one of the very few Kodansha digital titles that I have read, and it is absolutely wonderful. It is by suu Morishita, so fans of Shortcake Cake should absolutely pick it up. I’m sure I bought the first couple volumes digitally due to Sean’s gushing and just never posted about it. Morishita does some wonderfully innovative storytelling as the two main characters figure out how to communicate with each other, and the hearing-impaired heroine is portrayed with great sensitivity. I’m so rooting for Yuki and her first real romance!!

ASH: I’m really looking forward to reading this one now that it’s in print. Can’t pass it up with recommendations like that.

MELINDA: Well, how can I possibly resist after that glowing recommendation?

SEAN: Also in print: Heaven’s Design Team 3. The anime is currently airing.

ASH: I have legitimately learned things about animal life reading this series.

SEAN: Digitally the debut is How Do You Do, Koharu? (Gokigenyou, Koharu-san), by the author of (and in the same universe as) Say I Love You. Koharu (the younger sister of Yamato, the male lead in Say I Love You) prefers to keep her friends solely on the digital side… till she’s tempted by a follower who she might want to be more than just friends with. This runs, of course, in Dessert. I hope it is a bit less drama-filled than its parent series.

MICHELLE: I’d seen this one on the release calendar but didn’t realize it had any connection to Say I Love You. Interesting!

SEAN: We also see DAYS 22, Harem Marriage 2, Maid in Honey 6 (the final volume), My Best () Butler 6, My Unique Skill Makes Me OP Even at Level 1 2, Shangri-La Frontier 2, What I Love About You 3, and When We’re in Love 5.

Seven Seas’s biggest debut may be one that came out first nearly 10 years ago. After a period where it seemed that you couldn’t go a week without a new volume, the Alice in the Country of _________ series vanished, allegedly due to licensing difficulties with the original creator. But now it’s back… in digital form! It’s getting rolled out over several weeks. This week we get The Clockmaker’s Story and Love Labyrinth of Thorns (Julius) and The Mad Hatter’s Late Night Tea Party 1 & 2 (Blood).

ANNA: I think I’m tapped out of Alice in the Country of stories but I’m amused to see these being released again.

ASH: Oh, wow! I had somehow previously missed this news.

SEAN: In actual new titles, the debut is Doughnuts Under a Crescent Moon (Kaketa Tsuki to Donuts), a yuri office romance story that runs in Comic Yuri Hime. Always happy to see more non-high school students.

And there is The Ancient Magus’ Bride: Wizard’s Blue 2, Days of Love at Seagull Villa 2, Failed Princesses 3, and How Heavy Are the Dumbbells You Lift? 5.

MICHELLE: I still haven’t even read volume 1 of Seagull Villa!

SEAN: Square Enix Manga debuts Ragna Crimson, a Gangan Joker title whose summary has the words “dark fantasy” and “revenge-fueled quest” and I stopped caring.

In much better Square Enix manga news, we get A Man and His Cat 3.

MICHELLE: Yay!

MELINDA: Yes!

SEAN: Apologies to Tentai Books, I missed their debut light novel which is actually out later this week. World Teacher: Special Agent in Another World (World Teacher: Isekaishiki Kyouiku Agent) is another of those books where the plot is described by the title.

Tokyopop has a debut. The Cat Proposed (Bakeneko Katatte Sourou) is a one-shot BL title from Canna. A man watches a play and sees one of the actors has cat ears. Turns out he’s a bakeneko, and has chosen our protagonist as his spouse!

There’s also the 3rd and final volume of Still Sick.

Vertical has Ajin: Demi-Human 16 and Bakemonogatari’s 7th manga volume.

Yen On has had a few date shifts (try to contain your shock), but we do get a few new volumes this week… and two old ones, as Haruhi Suzumiya 3 and 4 get reprints. 4 is considered the series’ high point.

And there is Do You Love Your Mom (and Her Two-Hit, Multi-Target Attacks?) 8, The Greatest Demon Lord Is Reborn As a Typical Nobody 5, In the Land of Leadale 2, Konosuba 13, and May These Leaden Battlegrounds Leave No Trace 3.

There’s also a Yen Press title I missed last week, as it’s out this Saturday. Megumi Hayashibara’s The Characters Taught Me Everything: Living Life One Episode at a Time is her new memoir, and Yen is putting it out digitally the same day it comes out in Japan!

ASH: I really hope this is released in print at some point, too! It should be really good.

SEAN: Because of various delays and date shifts, Yen Press has FIVE manga debuts next week. We start with Adachi & Shimamura, the manga version of which we’ve already seen the light novel and the anime. Please enjoy Adachi’s gay panic and Shimamura’s attempts to be a functioning human being in a new medium. This runs in Dengeki Daioh.

Days on Fes is a series about two friends going to rock festivals, and that’s about all it is, from what I hear. Sounds like a Laid-Back Camp vibe. This runs in Comic Newtype.

ASH: Oh, that could fun.

MELINDA: I might be into this? As someone who used to go to a lot of music festivals, that is.

SEAN: The Girl without a Face (Kao ga Nai Onnanoko) is a one-shot from Comic Beam. A boy and girl are in love. She’s a bit… expressionless – literally – but that’s just fine. This looks both cute and spooky?

ASH: This could be fun, too!

SEAN: Golden Japanesque – A Splendid Yokohama Romance is the sort of josei title folks were BEGGING for ten years ago. It runs in Flowers’ online magazine, and its author did Kare First Love, for Viz fans with long memories. A Meiji-era title about a half-Japanese girl who’s discriminated against and the boy who thinks she’s a fairy-tale character.

MICHELLE: Ooh! I actually do own all of Kare First Love, as it happens.

ANNA: I am a Viz fan with a long memory and I think I own most of Kare First Love too. I am officially intrigued and will be picking this up.

ASH: Same!

MELINDA: Same here!

SEAN: Lastly there is ID:Invaded #Brake-Broken, a title which hurts me when I try to say it out loud. It’s the sequel to the anime, and runs in Young Ace.

We also get Eniale & Dewiela 2, Mieruko-chan 2, Overlord: The Undead King-Oh! 6, The Saga of Tanya the Evil 13, Slasher Maidens 2, Toilet-Bound Hanako-kun 7, The White Cat’s Revenge as Plotted from the Dragon King’s Lap 2, and A Witch’s Love at the End of the World 2.

ASH: I’ll likely be picking up a few of those, too.

SEAN: What manga melts the weather all around you?

By: Sean Gaffney

[serendipitous-magic]

Question Game - AKA Oversharing Hour

I was tagged by @the-angry-pixie​! And I’m a chronic oversharer, so this was fun. I’ll put most of it under a read more line because there’s a LOT.

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? 

Black. Dunno why.

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? 

City city city city city city city city. I’m already going fucking batshit as it is, trapped in suburbia. I want to be able to actually do things, anything. Anything other than just being around the house and / or work. (And I felt like this before the pandemic started.) If you live in the city you can walk out your door and be somewhere else within like 5 minutes. A city park, a cafe, a train/subway, a local attraction, a museum, an artist’s booth, an outdoor market, etc. etc. 

Living in suburbia is like, well, to go literally anywhere you have to get into your car first and drive like 10 minutes minimum to get out of the neighborhood, and then if you want to go anywhere that’s not the grocery store you have to drive 20 minutes to get to another area of town, and then once you get there that’s the only place you can be without getting into your car again and getting a nice shot of anxiety from having to drive in traffic and have aggressive drivers roar up on your ass because you’re going 5mph above the speed limit and they want to be going 15mph above, and god help you if you have to merge, and oh by the way this is your only option to get around because public transit doesn’t really exist in any useful way in Big Suburbia, and nothing in within walking distance of your house except like 2 playgrounds and maybe one (1) gas station. (I hate it here lmao)

If I was trapped in the country I’d probably be chill with it for about a week, and enjoy the break, and the on day 8 I’d snap and go on a murdering spree out of stir-craziness.

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? 

I want to learn German and eventually be fluent in it. But since I’ve already started trying to learn and I don’t know if that counts, I’ll say cinematography. As in the actual working of the camera and lighting and all that. I can dream up some pretty striking images but actually getting the camera to do the settings needed to capture them is another story entirely.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? 

Nope. I drink coffee and tea both, and I don’t put any kind of sweetener in either of them. I used to put a shitton of sugar in my coffee and honey in my tea, and then I had some mild eating disorder struggles in college and I never got back in the habit of putting stuff in my hot drinks after that. It just tastes wrong now, after being used to plain black coffee.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? 

Either the Harry Potter series or The Hobbit. My grandma would take care of me a lot when I was really little because my parents both worked full time to support us, and every single time I was at her house she’d sit us down at the dining room table and read something to me. Not Junie B. Jones or anything, either, but real, big, thick books. I loved the shit out of Harry Potter and The Hobbit; I would request them repeatedly. We pretty much went back and forth; we’d read Harry Potter, and then The Hobbit, and then when a new Harry Potter book came out we’d read that, and then The Hobbit again, and so on and so forth.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? 

Showers. I love baths, they’re magical, but ain’t nobody got time for that unless it’s a special occasion. I got too much shit to do to spend an hour lying in the bathtub.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? 

Vampire. Purely on the basis that if I was immortal maybe I’d finally have time to get my to-do list done and accomplish things. I’d miss the sunlight though.

8. Paper or electronic books? 

Paper. Here’s the thing, I really want to enjoy ebooks, but they just don’t hold my attention at all. Maybe I’m too conditioned by the internet to have a short attention span when I’m looking at a screen, idk.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? 

I have a dark gray hoodie from the Seattle Aquarium from when I went on a road trip across America with my BFF a few years ago. It’s still my absolute favorite thing. I also enjoy my hiking boots a lot. (I wear them all the time, really they should just be called “everyday boots” haha)

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it?

I like my name and I would also like to start going by something different. Probably just because I’m a restless soul and I feel the best (and least trapped) when I’m on the move or when things are changing. The second I get somewhere I want to be somewhere else. That’s just how I am. Gwen is a cool name (I’ve personally met maybe 3 people in my whole life with the same name, face-to-face), but there’s a lot attached to that nickname that I don’t necessarily want to carry with me when I eventually escape my hometown and start down a new path.

11. Who is a mentor to you? 

A friend and former professor whom I usually refer to online as Producer Man. He’s a producer (as you may have guessed) who kind of took me under his wing after I was in one of his film classes in college. We work together on film projects now and he’s teaching me bit-by-bit (usually by way of long, rambling, tangential stories / lectures) about the industry. He’s a really good guy. Like, he for sure has a case of Old White Guy sometimes, but his heart is absolutely in the right place. “He’s a little confused, but he’s got the spirit.” He’s always leaving $10 tips at coffee places and working himself to the bone to get his students connected to jobs and internships that will help them with their careers. 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? 

Yes, my stories. Actually, “famous” is not the right word. It’s just that fame is so tightly associated with success in our society. I want to be successful. Whether I’m widely known or not is pretty inconsequential to me. I want to make stories and I want them to have an impact. Books, film, etc. It’s about as simple as that.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? 

Oh yeah. I have trouble  sleeping as much as I should because I usually kind of jerk awake in the morning with this vague feeling that I forgot something or that I’m late for something. Also I stay up later than I should because I’m a night owl, and yet I like being up early because early mornings are great. And usually if I dream at all it’s something kind of stressful, like I dream that I forgot something important or did something wrong. I’m a Stressed Bean. 

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? 

I think so, yeah. I’m pretty obsessed with the idea of romance (I mean look at my OTPs), but heteronormativity got me fucked up enough that I’m bad at actually navigating real romantic feelings or relationships because society never prepared me for The Gay.

15. Which element best represents you? 

Fire, probably.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? 

My mom. We fight a lot and there tends to be a lot of tension between us. It’s a long complicated story. It boils down to, she really hurt me when I came out as not-straight at 15 and she lost all of my trust and even though she’s working on being less homophobic we’re still kind of trying to repair that divide seven years later.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? 

Dude, I miss everyone. I’m an introvert and I’d love to be at a big party right now. I miss socialization. (As does everyone.) 

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. 

The first time I experienced deja vu, I was about eehhh 6? And I legitimately believed, for several years of my life, that I had future-predicting abilities. Like, supernatural-level future-predicting abilities. Because I didn’t really know what deja vu was, so I thought, every time it happened, that I had already ~seen~ that moment in my dreams or something. 🤣

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? 

Hm. (My immature ass brain yells “DICK.” No, brain. Those were dark heteronormative times. Also, grow up.) 

Probably some of the sushi in Seattle. I actually love sushi, it’s just that when it has full-on legs and eyeballs I start getting a little squeamish. I like the rolls and the kind where there’s some fish meat laid out on a nice little bed of rice, that’s delicious. But when they brought out the whole shrimp with legs still attached, I was like “How in the (redacted) am I going to chew / swallow that.”

20. What are you most thankful for? 

That I happened to be living with family when this pandemic hit. I was supposed to move out (and across the country, actually) as of... like 4 days ago, as it happens. That was the plan. Plane ticket was gonna be booked for 7/15/20. Obviously, things didn’t quite work out that way, because of the pandemic and a few other reasons. But I can’t imagine if I had been in an apartment living with roommates, or in an apartment on my own struggling to get by, when this happened. A lot of people couldn’t pay rent and lost their homes. I was very, very lucky to be where I was, when I was, and very lucky that I have family who let me stay in their house pretty much indefinitely while this clusterfuck of a year happens.

21. Do you like spicy food? 

Yes! I looooove spicy thai food especially. I miss the massaman curry from a local Thai place so much 😭

22. Have you ever met someone famous? 

Um. Maybe? I met Veronica Roth once at an author talk in the library where I work, although it was before I worked there. And I met some guy from New Zealand who’s famous for his sword fighting skills because my dad does sword fighting stuff. Don’t remember his name though.

23. Do you keep a diary or journal? 

Yep. I have to write down everything or I forget. (I often say I have the memory of a goldfish.) Also, I have this compulsion to record and preserve my experiences in life, because I feel like our time on Earth is so fleeting and if I don’t write down what’s important to me, I’ll forget it and lose it.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? 

Pen. Pencil gets smudged.

25. What is your star sign? 

Scorpio, which is ironic because they’re supposed to be ~hyper sexual~ I guess, and I’m like gray-ace or something in that zone.

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? 

Crunchy. Who eats soggy cereal? Are you okay? Do you need help? This is an intervention. 

27. What would you want your legacy to be? 

My stories. Life and sentience, as we experience it, is made up of just that: experience. And I read somewhere that, on some level, the human brain doesn’t differentiate that much between real life experiences and fictional experiences. I think that’s true. If you read or watch or hear the right story, it can really touch you and change the way you see life, or even change the way you live life. Stories have an incredible amount of power, both in individual people’s lives and in larger society. A huge amount of power. I want to be able to give people experiences that will Enrich Their Lives (do I sound like a lifestyle coach yet? 🤦🏼‍♀️), but also stories that actively do good in society. Positive representation, body positivity/neutrality, diversity, healthy relationships (Hollywood has a real problem with that). Hope. It’s the best thing I can think to give society, and storytelling is what I love to do.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? 

I love reading. I wish I did it more. Part of my problem is that I get caught up in the hectic Rat Race of modern society and I never feel like I have time to sit down with a book for hours. Another problem of mine is that I start too many things at once, meaning I currently have like 5-10 (I lost count) books that I started reading, and I want to finish all of them, which means no progress ever gets done on any of them.

I last finished The Goldfinch, and I am currently working on The Secret History, Good Omens, Dune, a book my dad wrote, Directing Actors, Shot by Shot, The Way of Kings and I forget what else.

29. How do you show someone you love them? 

Physical affection, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts, in that order. If I’m close to someone, whether romantically or not, I want all the affection. And I’m kind of dying in quarantine. 

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? 

Depends. I usually don’t put any in, because it’s just gonna water down the drink and get in the way of drinking it (you know when the ice attacks your face?), but I don’t really mind ice in my drinks.

31. What are you afraid of? 

Helplessness. I Have Control Issues. ✌️ Also stagnation.

32. What is your favourite scent? 

Amber. Or any scent that’s kind of autumn-y. You know what I mean. Some other examples include dryer sheets, wood smoke, cigarette smoke (my big sister used to smoke a long long time ago, and although I never saw her do it, I still associate the scent with her), pine resin, rain, that Mahogany Woods scent from Bath and Bodyworks.

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? 

If they introduce themselves as Pam I call them Pam. If they introduce themselves as Mr. Brown I call them Mr. Brown.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? 

 If “money is not a factor” means I have an infinite amount of money to spend as I wish, then: buy land, build film studio complex on land, found company, hire fellow creatives, make movies.

If “money is not a factor” just means that I don’t have to work 40 hours a week to afford rent, then: move to Chicago, rent a nice studio apartment, write stories, maybe work 15 hours a week at a used bookstore or coffee shop to get me out of the house and socialize. Go to museums, go to the park, walk along Lake Michigan, go to gay bars, ride the train, brave the Illinois winters, own a cat, paint, play guitar. Build my actual career on writing / storytelling. Probably also do some filmmaking.

Alternatively: buy an RV (not like an American Trailer Park shitty RV, I’m talking the NOICE ones), buy good film equipment, be a freelancer, live in RV driving around to wherever the next filming location is. Life is a road trip and I’m doing what I love. Writing, storytelling, filmmaking. My home would travel with me. Writing in cafes; roadside attractions; early mornings on the road with coffee in the cup holder as the sun comes up; being able to go anywhere to film; always experiencing something new.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? 

I’ve lived in a landlocked state my whole life, so I guess swimming pools. And, listen, I CANNOT get water in my mouth at the beach without wondering exactly how many kids have peed (or worse) in that water. (I know that’s a thing with pools too, but pools get cleaned.)

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? 

Wonder what some poor European is doing in America right now. But if it was $50, I’d probably yell “DID ANYONE DROP THIS?” and then take it if no one speaks up.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? 

A few times, yeah.

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? 

Grades are not the end-all-be-all. Skip some homework assignments to spend time with friends. Skip class sometimes. I’m serious. If you make school your top priority, even over your own personal life, you will come away with good grades and a lot of regret and missed opportunities. Learning is HELLA important, and very very little of it happens inside a school building. Get a 15 hour weekend or after-school job in high school, befriend your coworkers, and have fun with it. Use your paychecks however you want. Join a school club - one that you’re actually interested in. Do stupid shit. Light your textbooks on fire after graduation or go to the 24 hour Wendy’s at 2am with your friends or kiss that person you met at summer camp or sleep on the porch because it’s too hot to sleep inside. Be smart and safe, but follow your whims. If you let yourself fall into routine, apathy will poison you.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? 

I already have a couple small ones, but the one I want next is a four-leaf clover. Don’t know where. Maybe my right inner wrist or maybe an ankle. Or like behind my ear. Luck has saved me so many times. (See above, with how I happened to be living with family when COVID hit.)

40. What can you hear now? 

Swamp cooler downstairs, the clock ticking in my office, cars outside, people moving around the house. I’m surprised the neighbor kids aren’t shrieking their absolute heads off as per the usual. 

41. Where do you feel the safest? 

When I’m alone and unobserved. 

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? 

TMI warning, but I absolutely despise public bathrooms. How am I expected to pee when there’s somebody sitting like three (3) feet away, with only a partial wall between us, hearing everything that’s going on? My fight or flight response simply will not allow it. It’s too awkward and therefore Not Safe. Either that public restroom has to be empty except for me, or it has to be so loud and bustling that ain’t nobody hearing anything. Anything in-between and I’m in hell.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? 

The ‘80s. Let’s be honest, even that far back makes my life (as a woman, and as a gay person) hella difficult. But, consider this: it’s the ‘80s. Furthermore, consider this: a part-time job might have actually supported me and paid rent back then 😱 Holy fucking shit. Sign me up. I just wouldn’t want to go any further than than like 1980, because again: lesbian. Being a woman in the past = even harder than it is today, being gay in the past = even harder than it is today, being a gay woman in the past = oh no.

44. What is your most used emoji? 

In order of descending frequency:

😂🙄😊😁🤦🏼‍♀️👀😬🌈🤷🏼‍♀️😙

45. Describe yourself using one word. 

Creative

46. What do you regret the most?

Wasting my entire teenage experience. (See #38.) I did quite literally nothing with my life except homework for like 18 years. If I had taken even a tenth as much time for myself as I did for school, I would be so much farther along as a person today.

47. Last movie you saw? 

In the theaters? ........ uh. Shit, I don’t actually remember. It’s been like 5 months. (As it has for everyone.) But the last movie I watched was Lights Out, because I’ve been watching the director’s youtube channel. You could tell it was low-budget and that the director was still kind of finding his stride, but it had a lot of heart behind it and the creators clearly gave a fuck, which made it enjoyable. I am firmly in the camp of “not everything has to be a Magnum Opus or have a multi-billion dollar budget to be a good movie.” If I engaged with it and got some sort of emotional experience out of it, and if it had a good message, I consider it a good movie.

48. Last tv show you watched? 

I don’t usually watch a whole lot of TV shows (who has the time?) but I think the last thing I watched was either The Witcher or that new Unsolved Mysteries miniseries on Netflix. Oh and I was watching Dead to Me because I just love Linda Cardellini’s face and I want to wrap Judy up in a blanket and cuddle the shit out of her and protect her from all things 🥺 My precious beautiful unstable sweet murder baby.

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. 

Apapanic. It’s where you’re so stressed about things that half of your brain is panicking but the other half is so overwhelmed that it circled all the way back around to being calm to the point of apathy, so you just kind of sit there like

[cinnbar-bun]

Why Vane is the Bestest Boy Ever

Welcome to my TEDtalk this is some real stuff ya’ll NEED to hear because Vane is the absolute best ( to me at least). Sorry this is jumbled af I don’t even know what I wrote. 

Listen I know I talk a lot about Vane and you’re probably sick and tired of it and I understand. BUT LIKE HEAR ME OUT FOR A MINUTE!

So I never really did the subquests early on in my playthrough of GBF mostly because I’m a dumbass and didn’t really realize they were there. ANYWAYS, so my first exposure of Vane came from his SR version (sadly, I don’t have his SSR version,,,,hhhhh please come home). I wasn’t too keen on him at first because he was an SR and in the beginning I was obsessed with getting SSR’s (instead of appreciating quality characters). 

The reason I first got into GBF was because of Lancelot, I thought he was super attractive and w o w cool this looks awesome! So I was hoping to get Lancelot more than anyone else. 

I digress, so I went through Vane’s fate episode really quick, and I just didn’t appreciate his character all too much. Seeing his art, I thought yeah he looked cool but he kinda looks like a smug jerk and I just did not care (especially since I was starting to like Will). I basically forgot I summoned him until I played Defender’s Oath. 

It brought him into a new light for me, because honestly, I did that side quest because of Lancelot. When we see Vane in DO, we see him as somewhat clueless, but overall, a nice guy who just wants to help his friends. I had very low expectations for him, and to just have him in my face acting like the most adorable thing ever was just hhhhhhhhhhh amazing. 

But it also made me get bored with Lancelot, because to me, it felt like all the other Dragon Knights had gotten character development except him. We constantly see Vane grow from being someone who was initially nervous about being Vice-Captain, to being more confident in his role and ensuring the public is happy. And that’s what I think separates Lancelot and Vane the most. While Lancelot does care for the people, he cares more for the well being of the country. Vane however, is just a ball of sunshine who wants to repay his kindness to those who need help (as seen with Bistro Feendrache). 

I’m not saying Lancelot is a bad person by any means, not at all, he is probably what is considered a more ‘ideal knight’ because of his undying loyalty to Feendrache, but Vane is someone who just doesn’t care for titles, he just wants to be by his friends’ side. 

I think his most stellar moment was in Divergent Knighthoods. THIS was what cemented my love for him as my fave character, not only in GBF, but in my entire life. We see him at his most fatherly and courageous form in this quest, and it just is the sweetest thing ever. He jumbles up a bit as Vice-Captain, he’s excitable and kinda immature compared to Lancelot, but that’s what makes him so strong. 

Divergent Knighthoods showed the BEST possible form of Vane by showing us his interactions with Team Chickadee. Sure, Arthur and Mordred were the focal point of it, but we see Vane’s development, as well how he helps the other two. Arthur and Mordred probably would not have gotten as good as they did if it weren’t for Vane. Vane taught them that being a knight doesn’t mean giving up on friendship and kindness, or forgetting what it means to be human. 

Vane is just that. Human. Lancelot and Percival constantly push themselves to be something greater than human, and Seigfried is considered to be god-tier to them. They all idealize Siegfried, but Lancelot and Percival want to be JUST like him that they focus solely on his actions, not why he does what he does. Vane, while he also looks to Siegfried as a role model, doesn’t feel the need to exemplify him. He feels fine the way he is, but he looks up to Siegfried as what greatness can achieve. He wants to be as skilled as Siegfried, but in his own way. 

Vane uses his emotions as a powerful weapon, while Lancelot and Percival try to repress them. They feel that emotions get in the way of decision-making, and that it’ll make them weaker. Vane just doesn’t give a crap and continues dancing to his own beat. He stepped up as a father-figure and mentor to Team Chickadee, and made them stronger by teaching them the importance of emotions. He even commented on something like that when he was interacting with Cruz. The poor boy just wasn’t emotional, and it worried Vane about what his life was like at home. He was so proud of Cruz when he even SMILED, and he treated it like a trophy. 

He’s a very supportive guy as seen when he constantly praised the team for slight accomplishments, even if they seemed stupid in the eyes of others. Lancelot has high expectations for them, and even though they wish to be knights when they’re older, he forgets they’re just kids. Vane knows that they’re just little kids, and he is one at heart, so he has no problem interacting with them and encouraging them to do better. He doesn’t need to act intimidating, because it’s just not in his nature. He doesn’t have to pretend to be someone he’s not, and uses his supposed ‘flaws’ as a tool to get better. 

I also wanna talk about what I think is a slight inferiority complex. Yeah, Vane loves himself, but he loves his friends a lot more. Especially Lancelot. Lancelot grew up with him and is basically his brother from another mother, and Vane trusts him completely. But we see throughout his fate episodes and special cutscenes that he knows Lancelot is more well-loved and respected than he will ever be. 

Valentines Day (year 2): “Aw, man. It's that time of year again... Sucks being that guy that doesn't get anything. Yeah... Oh well! I'll just pretend this chocolate I made came from a girl!”

Valentines Day (year 3): “Man, I knew he was popular... Speaking as a childhood friend, good for him. Bet he's a pretty happy camper. Sigh... I wonder if I'll ever...”

Happy Birthday (year 2): “Hehe, thanks for taking the time to deal with a bum like me! How old are you now? Are you really gonna waste your birthday hangin' around here? You want to be here? Aw man, quit jokin' around! It's not nice to tease people, you know.”

Happy Birthday (year 4): “ I shouldn't stay too long, I don't want to wear you out even more.”

Happy Holidays (year 2):  “ Huh? Oh, hey, (Captain). Are you free right now? Good thing I bumped into you! All right, you get the pleasure of spending the day with me! Not! Yeah, like you'd want to hang out with me, hahaha!” 

Fate Episode [sr version]: “ Y-you really think so? I'm really just trying to be more like Lancey. “

[after you compliment him for being more like Lancelot than he knows]:  “Heheh, thank you! Hearing you say that gives me a real boost, (Captain)!”

LIKE THIS BOY LEGITIMATELY THINKS HANGING OUT WITH HIM IS LIKE THE WORST PUNISHMENT IN HISTORY. It’s so sad because he’s such a lovable goof, and the fact he thinks he’s such a bother because he’s not like Lancelot is just....my heart...

I don’t think he’s actually AWARE of his insecurities when it comes to these sort of things, like he can recognize it in other people, but just can’t see himself being jealous of Lancelot, his best friend. He is not really given much credit for his work, and most dismiss him as a loud idiot who’s just Vice-Captain. Percival’s insults towards Vane doesn’t get him down, but the fact that Lancelot gets more praise for being Captain probably irks him to some degree. 

Honestly, Vane has so much to offer. He is such a romantic, and reading the part in his sr skills episode WHERE HE LITERALLY REMEMBERED A SUBORDINATES ANNIVERSARY AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS WIFE! Like, catch any of the other guys even remembering what day it is. 

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: With all due respect, First Officer, sir, why are you trying to dismiss me so early? There's still plenty of work to do…

Vane: But isn't it your anniversary today? Don't you think you should go home and be with your wife?

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: Y-you remembered?

Vane: Of course! You were gushing about it the other day!

Vane: One look at that grin on your face and it was seared into my memory!

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: But circumstances are different now…

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: The people are still uneasy after the incident the other day! It's not right for me to get to relax with my wife!

Vane: Don't be stupid! Are you really gonna let this emergency ruin your fun? That's even worse!

LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT THIS!! He is just all about positivity and having fun, this guy is such a cutie. He just cares about the little people so much. NOT TO MENTION HIS LOVE FOR ELDERLY PEOPLE. He went on a tangent in the special cutscenes about how he wanted to help the old grandmas who helped in his childhood, and the children who appeared in Halloween. This guy cares a lot for the people and he just continues giving love and care for them all despite being considered a lesser version of his best friend from others.  

Vane is by no means a lesser version of Lancelot. He’s a great companion that contrasts well with Lancelot, by reminding him to take care of himself. He bakes, he cooks, he cleans, he does plenty of stuff for the crew and is such hubby material that I BELIEVE EVERY PERSON NEEDS SOMEONE LIKE VANE IN THEIR LIFE. Vane is the gift that keeps on giving, who’ll never stop giving. He cares too much to even bother to think about his own health, and is just the absolute best. 

Maybe I’ll fix this later on idk but like if I continue I’ll ramble for hours about why he’s so precious and ya’ll don’t wanna see that from me. 

But yeah tldr: VANE IS FREAKIN AMAZING AND I LOVE HIM

[closetofanxiety]

Nitromare: My God, We’re Really Doing This

Joe has returned to the Land of the Rising Sun, but Mark and I for some reason are committed to watching every Nitro of the Vince Russo Era, when WCW went beyond the point of no return in the battle against the WWF. Tonight we’re on the second week of the first Russo reign: October 25, 1999, from Phoenix, Arizona. Let’s soak up the horror!

We open with Sting, in street clothes, coming out to the ring to demand the presence of JJ Dillon, the kayfabe commissioner. Sting lost to Goldberg last night at Halloween Havoc, but says that match wasn’t for the title, and so Goldberg should not be the champ. Dillon says there’s going to be a tournament to determine the champ, so Sting beats up Dillon. Goldberg runs out to make the save, and in the scrum, Sting’s t-shirt remains impressively tucked into his jeans. Why are they trying to make Sting into a whiny, shitty bad guy? The most natural babyface in the company since Ricky Steamboat. People want to cheer for Sting. 

The first match of the tournament is Norman Smiley vs. Bam Bam Bigelow. It’s over in about five minutes, with Norman winning. I think it was a hardcore match?

Now the Filthy Animals come out to show video footage of them taking Ric Flair out into a desert at night and dumping water on him. I’m not sure why you’d film yourself committing a crime, but the 1990s were a different time. You know who Billy Kidman looks like? The singer for Missing Foundation. It’s uncanny. There’s footage on YouTube of that guy, Peter Missing, setting himself on fire at a show in Boston. 

Rey Misterio says the Filthy Animals are going to “hump” Harlem Heat “like the dogs we are.” OK? Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn are apparently outraged, perhaps on behalf of dogs, and they run out and start beating on the Animals with lead pipes. Shane Douglas and Asya come out and kidnap Torrie Wilson. 

Now we’re backstage with Mike Tenay and Curt Hennig. Is there any American wrestler whose career was more a story of thwarted promise than Mr. Perfect? He was so good at everything, but never really got the breakthrough, either because of injuries or working for the wrong company at the wrong time, or both. 

Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are hanging around backstage. Somewhat grimly considering what we know now, they’re drinking beer from a cooler. 

The next match in the championship tournament is Hennig versus Lash Laroux, a truly forgotten figure from the WCW era. His gimmick was that he was a Cajun. That was pretty much it, mes amis. While the match is going on, Disco Inferno comes out to do commentary with Tony Schiavone and The Brain. For some reason. Hennig gets DQ’d for hitting Laroux with a chair. Disco Inferno comes in to help Laroux, and gets beat up with the chair. The match lasts maybe three minutes. 

We’re back in the ring after a commercial break with Kim Page and Mean Gene talking about the Nitro Girl competition. This was a contest to find a new Nitro Girl that I think Stacy Keibler eventually won. We meet two more finalists, both local, and watch footage of them dancing as Disco Inferno looks on. Was he the judge? His whole gimmick was that he was a bad dancer. 

The Nitro Girls thing is interrupted by DOUBLE J himself, Jeff Jarrett, recently arrived from the WWF. He immediately says the championship tournament is “a big work,” which I’m sure sounded like a good idea if you were on cocaine. Jarrett is still wrestling today; he’s currently a titleholder in AAA. He’s had one of the most remarkable careers of any American wrestler, yet I’ve never really enjoyed him.

Another match in the It’s A Big Work Tournament. Perry Saturn vs. Eddie Guerrero, which in theory should be a great match. So far each match in this tournament has featured one wrestler who is no longer alive. There are empty seats on the hard camera side; Mark notes that the revamped WCW logo reminds him of the final flag of a soon-to-be-vanquished country.

The match is not great. A few decent spots, but then David Flair runs in and hits Eddie Guerrero with a lead pipe, allowing Saturn to get the win via the Rings of Saturn. It last six minutes. 

We’re backstage, and the Revolution have Torrie Wilson imprisoned in a backstage area. “This is a great hiding place; they’ll never find us!” exults Shane Douglas, in front of a camera crew. Chris Benoit arrives and locks most of the Revolution inside a caged area, allowing him to beat on Dean Malenko. Everyone is wearing what would today be classified as Mom Jeans. Wasn’t Benoit part of the Revolution? Eventually he’d jump to the WWF along with Saturn, Malenko, and Guerrero, as the Radicalz. You could tell they were extreme, because they scorned the letter ‘S.’

Hall and Nash walk out, wearing street clothes. “It seems these new bosses we got from up North can’t have a wrestling show without the Outsiders,” Hall says, in a reference to Russo and Ferrara that 99 percent of the audience wouldn’t understand. Nash is wearing a FUBU jersey. His meandering promo is interrupted by Goldberg, who is standing in the crowd, wearing his gear and holding a microphone. As one does. “You’re both next!” Goldberg says. Technically, they can’t BOTH be next, Bill.

Macho Man and Gorgeous George come out. I don’t know why her wrestling name was Gorgeous George, but she wasn’t the worst person to wear the mantle created by George Wagner. There were so many terrible Gorgeous Georges. Even in the twilight of his career, Savage is still a compelling, charismatic performer. “Don’t hunt what ya can’t kill, cuz ya can’t kill The Madness!” he cautions, adding “I ain’t no punk bitch!” He takes some shots at Hogan and Flair. Gorgeous George is chewing gum and looking a bit lost. “I got too much money in the bank to get punked out by punks like you!” Savage yells, although it’s still unclear to whom he’s referring. Then he says he and Gorgeous George are leaving. OK. 

The Filthy Animals are searching for Torrie backstage. How did they find Shane Douglas’ great hiding place?? But the Revolution have moved off to another backstage space to complain about how Chris Benoit beat Malenko’s ass. 

Next WCW title tournament match: Madusa vs. Meng. Oh God. Madusa looks legitimately unwell. Everyone who knows Meng is terrified of Meng. He’s like nuclear war. This is not a pioneering intergender matchup: none of Madusa’s offense is effective, while Meng just stands around and growls like an animal. Madusa wrestled Bull Nakano a lot, so this probably wasn’t the scariest opponent she’d faced. Meng wins in about four minutes with the Tongan Death Grip. Remember when it was a big deal that Madusa jumped to WCW with the WWF women’s belt? Boy, they sure made the most of that, didn’t they?

Evan Karagias comes out to help Madusa. “Isn’t he gallant,” Brain sneers, and for some reason he pronounces it “guh-launt” and it makes me laugh out loud. That’s how I’m pronouncing it from now on. 

Nothing stands still. Malenko comes out and challenges Benoit and then leaves. Russo’s WCW feels like experimental theater, right down to the destruction of the fourth wall and acknowledgement of artifice. 

Mark describes Hall and Nash as “two retirees going around, causing trouble,” and this is a perfect description of what they’re doing at this point. I’m omitting about half the backstage segments, because they all last about 45 seconds and seem meaningless. 

Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth come out, everything we know about what would happen later making it very hard to enjoy any of this. I think this is a match in the title tournament? The WCW commentary team does not do nearly as much recapping as today’s WWE announcers, and it’s kind of baffling.

It’s Luger vs. Rick Steiner, and a shirtless Jeff Jarrett comes out to join in on commentary. “We saw your shtick in the WWF, we know you’d hit a woman,” Schiavone says. “This is not the WWF, this is the WCW, and I am the Chosen One!” Jarrett replies. Jarrett is upset that he is being blamed for hitting Liz last week. Jarrett tries to hit Luger with a guitar and gets Steiner instead. Jarrett runs off and Steiner follows him. The crowd seems bored and angry. Luger wins via count. The match was maybe three minutes long. 

Kidman and Konnan are backstage. Konnan calls the Revolution “mark busters.” I can’t look at Kidman without seeing Peter Missing. Have you ever heard Missing Foundation? It’s really challenging stuff. What a group they were.

Another title tournament match, this time between Kidman and Konnan, fellow Filthy Animals. There’s a ref bump 45 seconds into the match. Harlem Heat comes out and beat up Konnan and Kidman. Who’s getting humped now, gentlemen, hmmmm? Now Rey and Eddie come out to fight Harlem Heat. In the ring, Kidman gets the pin on an out-cold Konnan. The match lasted two minutes at most. The secret of Vince Russo is that Vince Russo is not a wrestling fan. 

Buff Bagwell’s in the ring and vowing to break all the rules. “I’m going to take every little thing that’s ever been sacred in this business and I’m gonna relieve myself all over it.” Then he says, “I’m not doin’ a J-O-B, a job, for nobody ever again!” He calls out “the two idiots in the back writing this crap,” which, Jesus. Two giant bald guys in suits com out who say “We represent the two idiots in the back writing this crap,” and then proceed to beat the stuffing out of Buffing. 

We’re back from commercial, and Chris Benoit is going to wrestle Dean Malenko in a Mom Jeans Beatdown. No, it’s a last man standing match, but they’re both wearing mom jeans, without belts. That really bothers me for some reason. This is a really good match, the only good one of the night so far. Not entirely surprising. There’s no way to reflect on Chris Benoit without the shadow of his hideous crimes hanging over everything, but for whatever it’s worth, he was one of the best wrestlers of his generation. He had a graceful ferocity and total commitment to what he did that very few wrestlers have ever matched. Benoit wins.

The Filthy Animals run out to beat on Malenko, then Shane Douglas and Asya come out with Torrie Wilson. Torrie Wilson is notably taller than her captor, Asya. They should’ve got Nicole Bass to be their Chyna-alike. Douglas kind of sucked, didn’t he?

Jimmy Hart comes out with Hugh Morrus and Knobs from the Nasty Boys. Was there a new Nasty Boys with Morrus in place of Sags? Or was Knobs moonlighting? I’ll tell you what: the Nasty Boys put together a surprising number of extremely fun matches. This is not one of them: Sting comes out with a baseball bat, beats down Knobs, and gets the pin. I guess this was a no DQ match?

One thing to remember in the Nitromare: nothing has to make sense.

We’re backstage with Tenay and Bret Hart, who has what I think is a storyline ankle injury. Bret interviews like an earnest hockey player, which was part of his appeal. He didn’t have to scream or act like a lunatic to sell you on a match.

Now there’s a tag match between Konnan and Kidman and the defending champs, Harlem Heat. Konnan is also wearing FUBU; were they a sponsor? 

I’m flummoxed that they’d allow so many empty seats facing the hard camera. Why not send people in higher sections down to take those seats? This is AWA-at-the-end level inattention to detail.

Meanwhile, in the match, Harlem Heat are beating the shit out of the Filthy Animals in a mostly uninteresting fashion. It’s a slog. There’s an inexplicable screw job finish that has Schiavone asking “Who won?,” which is always a good sign. The answer: the Filthy Animals won because ... Kidman bridged out of a pin? 

Nitromare: Nothing Has to Make Sense

DDP and Kimberly come out. My God, Kimberly was attractive. And Page was insanely over with WCW fans; it’s galling how badly he was mishandled by the WWF. Did you know Page sued Jay Z over the Diamond Cutter hand gesture? They settled out of court, so we still don’t have settled legal precedent on whether you can trademark a hand gesture.

David Flair comes out. DDP is mad at Flair because Flair’s dad slept with Kimberly. Flair pulls out a crowbar and cheap-shots DDP, then starts whaling on him. David Flair looks like the character in a movie about rural 19th century America who’s described as “a bit touched.” Like a character who accidentally kills or injures a major character and then commits suicide in helpless despair. It’s not ... a great look for a pro wrestler.

DDP gets kayfabe stretchered out. Well, I believe he’s the winner by disqualification, so there is that. 

Back from commercial. Hall and Nash, in street clothes, are in the ring. Their opponents appear to be local strippers. They’re not given an introduction, so we don’t know for sure. One of them motorboats Scott Hall. The crowd enjoys it, because wrestling fans in the 1990s were not very sophisticated. The other stripper is tagged in. “This is what it’s all about,” Tony says. Nash comes in. “The hot tag! The big save,” Tony says. One of the rare moments when I feel like Lou Thesz. A third stripper with balloon-sized fake breasts comes into the ring. The Outsiders lay down and get pinned. Who says Kevin Nash wouldn’t do jobs in WCW? 

Goldberg mercifully runs into the ring and spears them both. The crowd likes it, but is also horny and mad that the woman with the huge fake breasts didn’t take her shirt off. The replay is brought to us by the Air Force, which at the time was using the slogan “Aim High.” Not a lot of that in Nitromare, I’m afraid.

I think it’s main event time. God, I hope it is. I’m so weary. Bret Hart hobbles out to the ring. He’s wrestling Goldberg, who has one of the all-time great entrances in pro wrestling history. 

Tony says Bret’s shin is hurt, when earlier we were told it was his ankle. Later, Tony says it’s Bret’s ankle. Razor sharp. 

Goldberg was not a great wrestler, and with Bret selling a broken ankle, it was hard to carry the big dude to a credible match. The story here is Bret’s insane pride and resilience, and it’s going well initially: the crowd rallying behind him as he tries to fight back against the onslaught from Goldberg. Goldberg does a good job of looking conflicted about wrestling a guy who’s less than 100 percent, which adds to the story. Goldberg finally starts working on the injured leg and then breaks the hold, hoping the ref will stop the match. Hey, this is actually not bad! 

Bret fights out of a corner and applies the sleeper, which leads to, merciful God in heaven above, a ref bump. The Outsiders and Sid Vicious run out to take out Goldberg. Nash hits the most spectacular move in his arsenal, the sidewalk slam. Goldberg is out and Bret covers him for the win. This sucked.

Grade: D

Signs in the Crowd: WCW = Where Chumps Wrestle; Everyone Hates Rey, Man (so Nineties); Ryan Gill is Gay (also very Nineties, in a bad way); IM SINGLE; Goldberg Kicks Ass; Big Sexy in the House NWO 4 Life; Hall = Ratings; Filthy Animals = Circle Jerk; Can’t Stand Me No Fruit Booties; Buff is the Stuff; WWW. Rantsylvania . Com (still active! It’s Scott Keith’s blog); WCW Monday Maestro (was there really a person who liked the Maestro enough to make a sign?); Joe B is a Candy Ass; I Pimp Pimps; Russo Where’s the Gambler? 

[thisisnot-chris]

Where Life’s Taken Me

These past few years since my last year of college have been quite the roller-coaster ride. I never imagined it to turn out this way (so far). I look back and remember what I was like in high school; a shy, scared kid who wasn’t sure what to do in life and was afraid of criticism. I see what I’ve become 8 years later; an outgoing, adventure seeking, person who knows what he wants in life and isn’t bound by the fear of other’s opinions. College helped me realize what I wanted to do but part of me still felt held back by other people’s thoughts on what I was trying to do with my life during that time. My choices were too risky; no job security; why wasn’t it something “typical & traditional”. I ended up learning that was not me at all years later, and it wasn’t easy to come to terms with it throughout that time. In fact it all came together in the last 2-3 years. All I had to do was figure out things with myself and who I truly am. Those ideas and thoughts sat dormant in the back of my mind for a very long time but it took some unexpected events to occur which initiated that journey.

It started in December 2015. I was about to start an internship with a local booking agency that specialized in EDM shows; something I was beyond ecstatic about. I love EDM. I love music and everything about it; both artistically and business-wise. I wanted to share the amazing news with a number of my good friends at a Christmas party we had one Saturday nite, about 1 week before Christmas came. The party was a blast so far; drinking games, great music, and so many laughs. I shared the news with everyone there and it felt so satisfying to share a new experience coming my way with the people I cared about. Little did I know… I was about to get some news later on at the party.

I was in the basement and had to go use the bathroom upstairs. I made my way up and stepped into the kitchen where 3 of my friends were talking. One of them said 3 words that changed it all; “Chris is gay”. I uttered something back in confusion and all 3 heads turned towards me with looks on their faces that screamed “OH SHIT!...” One of my other friends pulls me into the living room while I’m still puzzled as all hell and begins to legitimately question if I was or not. I was PISSED, and I’m usually not one to get angry very easily. They had known me all these years and NOW I hear about this?! And the reasons as to why were so stereotypical; I wore pink clothes, I watched what I ate, I didn’t drink much, I talk differently, etc. How the fuck should those label me anything?!?! They started apologizing afterwards and said they shouldn’t have made bold conclusions like that. At that point I should’ve gotten over it. But I didn’t. It bothered me. REALLY badly. And it only worsened in the coming months and years.

Shortly after the new year, my internship didn’t turn into a full-term employment due to the manager’s business needs and schedule. I needed to find work in the time being so I could make money and move out of my family’s house and continue investing in what I wanted to do with music. That time off had that thought keep coming back to me. George Michael once said, “When someone questions your sexuality, you begin to question EVERYTHING!” That’s exactly what happened to me. I never dated a woman in my life; but that shouldn’t have meant anything. I had crushes on girls throughout the years. When I was a much bigger kid in middle and high school, I started wanting to lose weight and exercise. I would compare myself to other attractive and much more fit men, looking at them and saying “God, I really wish I looked like that.” I didn’t think that meant anything either, even though I still had thoughts like that after losing so much weight. I kept pushing it aside during this time. I even joked to myself about it; for some reason, I always remembered this line from a Ron White stand up special where he says “Guys, if you ever have a thought… let it go. Everyone’s a little gay.” That line made me think of the times my friends and I poked fun like that; I didn’t realize I was just fighting myself. That year’s summer and fall began some very serious talks with myself soon on.

During my job search leading into the summer, I had a good friend keep in contact with me over the search and how I was doing. I started hanging out and spending time with him more; video games, watching stand up, random shit, whatever it was. It was great. As it got warmer, I was invited out to bonfires and hung out with a bunch of guys he became acquainted with. I was relatively quiet around them but it was still fun hearing their conversations. I was glad I got to spend time like this with my friend. Then in the middle of July, I finally got a job for the time being at a financial institution. Soon after accepting that position, I was also invited on a camping trip up North with him and his buddies. I ended up arriving on a Friday afternoon at a lake while they were out on a friend’s boat; they were drinking beer, listening to music, games, you name it. I thought it was great he invited me and will always remember my time out there. After a couple hours, they wanted to head back to the campsite they were at but I had no clue where it was. He offered to direct me back. I got back in my car, and then he got in it, sitting in the passenger seat. I drove halfway there until a state patrol officer pulled us over. There was a festival that weekend so he was just checking for drunk drivers but he kept us there for a good 15-20 minutes for whatever reason. We sat there for a while, trying to see what he was doing. But I wasn’t looking at the officer that whole time. I couldn’t help but look at my friend and I didn’t understand why. There he was next to me. Slightly buzzed. Wearing a hat from a foreign country. Shirtless. That was the moment there that something seemed different to me. What the hell was going on???

After that ordeal, we made it to the site and got ready for the festival. It ended up getting rained on and they got a crappy replacement band instead of the one they’ve gotten before. Their specialty ‘Summer Hummer” drinks were cheap though so it was a win in the end. We then headed back and had a fire for a bit til’ the rain got heavier and we all huddled under a canopy. I stayed in one of the guys’ tents that nite but had so much trouble sleeping because I kept thinking about that moment my friend and I got pulled over. Why couldn’t I help but look at him like that?... The next morning, we all packed up to leave but he wanted to stay and hike the area and asked me to. I wanted to say yes but that moment in the car yesterday scared me from doing so. I said I was gonna head back home instead. The questioning continued on the drive home. The nights after when I went to bed. Throughout the day during my new job. We still hung out since that and the questions kept growing on me. Why? Why was I looking at him like that??? Within that next month, what I considered to be the scariest thought I ever had ended up revealing itself to me… I think I was starting to have feelings for him.

That thought began to mess with me even worse than the initial questioning. I never thought things like this before; why now?? The coming September furthered this. There was a nite we went out and one of his friend’s questioned my sexuality. Pissed me off again. But I still had thoughts and they scared me more. I never knew anyone who was gay at this point and I wasn’t sure on my friends and immediate family’s thoughts on homosexuality. Then, one of my current best friends that was rooming with him at the time was planning on moving to California in October. My friend I started to have feelings for… offered me to move in. Living with someone you have feelings for… how the hell could this be a good idea?... My head couldn’t take it anymore. It started to affect me negatively from here on. 

Jumping to October 29th, 2016, around the time my best friend moved to Cali, my “crush” and a couple other people went out to a bar for a Halloween party. On the ride back after the party, there was an argument on who the hottest woman was there. I was asked on my opinion. I never paid attention to any there and lied saying, “the blonde one”. Believe it not, there were no blonde women there that nite… We make it to his house, I use the bathroom, and come out to hear my two friends, one I’ve known since elementary school and the one I had feelings for, uttering to each other if I was gay. I had it at this point. I leaned against some cabinets, slid to the floor, and told them, “Guys… I’m not sure what I am.” I was scared out of my fucking mind. But they were ok with it. They didn’t care. It didn’t make a difference. That was a slight sigh of relief but I was “playing the bi-card” at this time. I could be interested in women too I thought back then. But I had feelings for my friend at this time… a man.

It wasn’t even 2 weeks later that my feelings were bothering me even more so; I felt the need to tell my good friend how I felt. Another friend of ours had a post-Halloween party at his place on November 5th, 2016 (“remember, remember, the 5th of November” has new meaning for me now); it was fun at first but the cops shut it down due to noise complaints. Still bothered, I then texted him at 1:00AM asking him where he was. He was on his way back home. I waited for him til 2:00AM when we arrived back to talk to him. I initially stated I started having feelings for someone we know and didn’t know what to do. He knew I was going to say it was him but kept asking who. I started to hold back myself from saying it was him. I was fucking crying for god sake. But I said it then. I liked him. And I couldn’t take it back. He then said his side of the matter; he appreciated me telling him, was flattered, but did not feel the same back. He did not feel that way about men. It didn’t change anything between us which shocked me. But I still didn’t know what to do. Did I simply just let it go? I unfortunately didn’t and it caused a major problem later on. I had more feelings for him after that talk. It wasn’t right. But I felt I lied to myself if I let it go.

January 2017 came around and I told my best friend in Cali about my questioning; he was ok with it and stated his support. I even told one of my friends that questioned me the nite of that Christmas party. I thought he out of all my friends would have the BIGGEST problem with it; but he didn’t. He hugged me and opened up much more about himself to me than I expected. He even suggested I talk to this woman we knew; little did I know she would end up helping me so much and becoming one of my best friends after we had dinner one nite. Oh, that major problem I mentioned? It began during the end of that month. Some friends and I were over at my “crush’s” place. My feelings were troubling me so much that nite. I ended up being a bit… “upfront” with him later that nite. How stupid could’ve I fucking been...

After that, he didn’t want to talk to me for awhile. He treated me differently. He distanced himself and when I look back on it, I can’t blame him. The feelings diminished away as they should’ve initially. I couldn’t believe I did this to a good friend. I crossed a line. I was not ok with myself. I felt like I was slipping into some phase of depression that screwed up my work performance, affected my job security, and made me feel everything was falling apart. Friends were breaking up and taking sides on different things. My one best friend moved to Cali and I thought I’d never see him again. I ended up telling more people that were close in my life about my questioning, including my parents, and everyone was ok with it. But I still struggled. I began to feel who I was was wrong. Being a man and having feelings for men was wrong.  I was still having AND causing problems. I even caused trust issues with more friends I care so much about and diminished those relationships significantly. I felt that I couldn’t take life anymore… I wanted to give up and leave everything behind… I tried to twice…

…

But I didn’t give up. I kept moving forward in dealing with this and figuring things out. The girl I mentioned who is one of my best friends now? She introduced me to so many new people that shared their experiences and opinions on things I never thought I’d hear about. She invited me to visit so many places that summer of 2017. From Sturgeon Bay, to Milwaukee, to Eagle River, to the Dells, to frickin’ Toronto, Canada for a big convention. I even went to Pasadena, California to visit my best friend that moved there and went to the Warner Bros Studios, downtown LA, and even saw the Hollywood Sign. I saw so much, did so much, and made so many memories. During that time, away from the typical things I dealt with back at home, it gave me answers to so many questions I had. That time even helped one of my other best friends in the area and coming to terms with her sexuality. But it answered one big one and I had an answer for myself soon enough; I am gay.

Since then, I’ve continued to meet new people, explore new places, and taken new opportunities that help me reach goals I’ve made for myself and what I want to do in my life. If I never came to terms with myself, I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed life as much as I do now. I never would’ve met so many amazing people. I never would’ve started playing shows again or getting a creative spark for music making again or even starting up a side business. It’s still a bumpy road, but isn’t it for everyone? You got to move forward, challenge yourself, and continue learning. That’s what life seems to be about to me. And I’m glad I see that now.

I’m sure most of the people closest to me have heard this story before so they can figure out who is who, but names shouldn’t be a defining factor here. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the amazing friends and family I have. My parents; even though some initial concern was shared, their love never changed. My brother; 8 years younger than me and so much more open minded than I ever was when I was his age. My friends I’ve known throughout middle and high school; I’m glad that we still hang out, talk, keep in touch, even with all the problems I caused. My friends I’ve made during and after college; I appreciate everything you guys have shared with me and every chance we get to see each other is something I value highly. My friend who was my “turning point”; I know things can never be the same like before but it’s good to know it’s much better than before. My 3 closest friends; if I never met any of you, I never would’ve came to terms with myself. Now I know who I am. I’m an EDM-loving, music making, goal oriented, cartoon & meme-mimicking, ambitious man that loves taking on a new adventure every chance he can get his hands on and won’t let life’s obstacles hold him back (who happens to be gay). I am who I am and I haven’t felt the need to hide it for the past year now. Thank you all for the impact you’ve made on me.

Let’s see where life takes me next   :)

[lifeofresulullah]

The Life of The Prophet Muhammad(pbuh): Before His Birth, His Birth and His Childhood

Hazrat Abdullah, the Prophet’s Father

Abdullah was the eighth among the ten sons.  He was much different than his siblings in terms of looks and character.

As soon as he came into this world, the Holy Prophet’s (PBUH) noor that shone on his father’s forehead passed to his. This noor brought out a magnificent beauty and an exceptional cuteness/sweetness to his face. However, nobody noticed from where and how this beauty and cuteness came.

Abdulmuttalib’s Conversation with His Sons

All ten of his sons had grown.

Abdulmuttalib, who had not forgotten his promise, gathered them together and by explaining the story, he let them know that one of them had to be sacrificed. All of them accepted without hesitation and asked their father: “Very well, then how should we do this? How are we going to determine who is to be sacrificed?”

Abdulmuttalib knew what to do in this type of circumstance. He answered:

“All of you should take an arrow, write your own name on it, and then give it to me!”

The obedient children immediately followed their father’s command. Each of them pulled an arrow, and after they wrote their own name on it, they handed it to their father.

Abdulmuttalib collected all of the arrows and went straight towards the Kaa’ba. The method of resolving this situation had already been explained: An arrow would be drawn by the Hubal statue, and whosever name was drawn would be the one to be sacrificed…

Qurayshis would apply this method in these types of situations.

The Drawing of Lots

The city’s inhabitants gathered around Abdulmuttalib when he neared the Kaa’ba. Without hesitation, he handed the arrows to an arrow-drawing civil servant so that he would not be considered to have retracted his promise to Allah. All of those arrows had the names of his beloved children. Regardless of whichever arrow was drawn, a piece of him would be missing.

The civil servant pulled one of those arrows and read the name on the arrow with a quivering tone: “Ab-dul-lah!”

The compassionate father did not want to believe what he had heard. He pulled the arrow from the government official’s hands and looked over it carefully and read: “Abdullah”.

In an instant, his eyes were filled with tears and his throat was tangled with sobs. His compassion and feelings bulged and overflowed to such an extent that for a moment, it was as if he was going to shout “no”. At the last minute, he remembered the promise he had made to Allah and his steel-like will bridled his feelings and compassion. Devastated, Ab­dul­mut­ta­lib turned his face from the Kaaba to his house and walked hopelessly.

Everybody was waiting for him at home. Nobody was aware of the result of the draw. The eyes of Ab­dul­mut­ta­lib, who entered the house, stared at Abdullah’s face, which was shining brightly. When he felt that his compassion and mercy overwhelmed, he turned his face away. He did not want to keep his sons, who were looking at him submissively, in curiosity and said:

“My son, Abdullah! Allah has chosen you to be sacrificed for Him. Among your siblings, he has granted this honor to you”.

This news, which burned and bit the family of Ab­dul­mut­ta­lib and saddened the people of Makkah at once. Everyone asked one another: “Abdullah? Is that beautiful and sweet child going to be sacrificed?”

Abdulmuttalib did not pay attention to his burning heart, hurricane of emotions, and feelings of compassion and mercy that resembled an ocean’s waves as he grasped his dearest son’s wrist and took him towards the statues of Isaf and Naila. It was as if Abdullah, whose face was covered with noor, had Hazrat Ismail’s submission. Not the slightest sign of displeasure appeared on his face.

Abdulmuttalib had a knife in one of his hands, and his son’s hand in the other. Everything was ready for his sacrifice. In the meantime, some noise was heard. The Qurayshi gentry was coming and one of them called out: “Oh, Abdulmuttalib! What is it that you want to do?”

As Abdulmuttalib was looking at his son’s face which was covered with noor, he answered: “I’m going to sacrifice him!”

As this answer emerged, it generated a wave of excitement and amazement in the crowd. They intervened by saying: “Oh, Abdulmuttalib, how can this be? You are one of Mecca’s dignities. If you do this, then will everyone not follow you and do the same? If everyone sacrifices their son, then will our descent not come to an end?”

The entire crowd was opposed to Abdulmuttalib’s decision; even his emotions and feelings were in opposition. The only thing in favor of him was his steel-like will. He had made a promise to Allah and had to fulfill it definitely since Allah gave him his wish. Allah granted him ten sons and not sacrificing one of them would mean that he was being ungrateful.

In the meantime, Abdullah’s uncle, Abdullah bin Mughira came forward and said: “Oh Abdulmuttalib, by God, you cannot sacrifice him unless there is a legitimate excuse. If giving away all our property is necessary to save him, then we are ready to do so!”

It was as if Abdulmuttalib’s emotions, compassion, and mercy began to talk and were shouting the same things to him. However, his will would not make any concessions.

After the Qurayshis and their sons saw that their pleas yielded no results, they submitted the following proposal:

“Oh Abdulmuttalib, take Abdullah and go to Damascus. There is a woman there who is clairvoyant and wise. Everyone from east to west, who is in difficulty, transcends countries to go to her. She finds a cure for everyone’s difficulty. She will surely find a cure for you.  If she says to slaughter Abdullah, then do so, but if she finds a cure to save you, Abdullah, and us from sadness, then act according to that”. 

This idea stood to reason for Abdulmuttalib. He immediately took Abdullah by his side and they set off to Damascus. When they arrived in Medina, they learnt that the clairvoyant woman was in Khyber, thus they went there from Medina. They found the soothsayer called Arrafa.

Abdulmuttalib explained the situation completely to her.

The woman asked: “What is the amount of ransom for one person in your area?”

Abdulmuttalib answered, “10 camels”.

Upon this, the clairvoyant woman said, “Go and prepare 10 camels. With the child, take the 10 camels and go to the place where the arrows were drawn. Have your child stand on one side and have the camels stand on the other, and draw an arrow between them. If the arrow comes out for the camels, then sacrifice the camels and save the child. If the arrow comes out for the child, then continue to add an amount of ransom to the number of camels and draw arrows until your Creator is pleased with you! Whenever the arrow is drawn for the camels, then sacrifice them. In this way, both your Creator will be pleased with you and you will have saved your child from being sacrificed.” 

Abdulmuttalib found this solution to be suitable and was about to walk on air. Without wasting time, he returned to Mecca. Abdulmuttalib’s family and the Meccan community were immensely happy upon hearing this news.

The Results of the Drawing

It was the following day after his return to Mecca.

Abdulmuttalib took his beloved son and his 10 camels to the Kaa’ba. In accordance with the clairvoyant woman’s advice, a drawing of lots was about to be made between Abdullah and the camels.

In his state of happiness, Abdulmuttalib told the civil servant to “draw”.

The arrow was drawn for Abdullah.

They increased the number of camels to 20.

The civil servant drew another arrow and again, it pointed to Abdullah.

They increased the number of camels to 30. The arrow landed on Abdullah again.

So they increased the number of camels to 40. The arrow came out for Abdullah once more.

The number of camels was increased to 50; it was as if the arrow was insisting to be drawn for Abdullah.

It became 60, 70, 80, and 90. The arrow was pointing to Abdullah with persistence. It was as if the arrow was receiving orders from another realm.

Abdulmuttalib was in a state of excitement and astonishment. During the course of every drawing, Abdulmuttalib did not abstain from raising his hands to the sky to offer a supplication.

The number of camels finally reached a hundred.

When the arrow was drawn again, those who were watching with curiosity took a deep breath because the arrow pointed to the camels.

Like everyone else, Abdulmuttalib’s eyes gleamed with happiness. However, his happiness did not last long and he immediately became serious.  He did not allow much time for others to congratulate him and he spoke in this way:

“By God, I am going to draw three arrows on end so that my heart will be satisfied”.

The drawing continued thrice more. Happiness was expressed through screams during each drawing because the arrows were pointing to the camels in all three rounds.

Abdulmuttalib expressed his happiness by shouting, “Allahu Akbar! ,Allahu Akbar!” (Allah is the Greatest, Allah is the Greatest) and offered a supplication as he kneeled on the ground.

In this way, Abdullah was saved from being sacrificed.

Abdulmuttalib, who was immensely happy that his beloved son was saved from being sacrificed, ordered a hundred camels to be taken to the place between Safa and Marwa, and to be sacrificed there, side-by-side. His order was followed immediately. The Meccan community greatly benefited from the meat of the camels that were sacrificed. The wolves, birds, dogs, wild, and domestic animals shared the remaining meat.

From that day onward, the custom of accepting a hundred camels for the amount of ransom has been embraced among the Qurayshis and Arabs. 

And our Holy Prophet (PBUH) did not change this custom. 

Hazrat Abdullah’s Chastity

It was the same day…

Everyone was pleased by the result and was leaving the place of drawing. Abdulmuttalib and his beloved son were coming to the city. Abdullah was far behind his father as they were passing by the Kaa’ba, and it was then that a woman approached him. This woman was named Ruqiyyah. She was Waraqa bin Nawfal’s sister and one of the many admirers of Abdullah’s legendary beauty. Like her sibling, Waraqa, she read the old Holy Books and in those books, she saw and learned about the characteristics of the Prophet that would appear during the end of time. When she faced Abdullah, she established a connection in her mind between the characteristics that she read about and the immense brightness that was on Abdullah’s face as she had never seen such brightness on anyone’s face till then.  Forgetting her grace and chastity, Ruqiyya approached Abdullah so that nobody else could obtain this glory and whispered:

“Young man, wait a moment.”

Abdullah stopped.

She asked, “Where are you going?”

With the innocence of the noor (light) that shone on his face, he answered: “We are going with my father”.

The woman did not dwell long upon this innocent answer and expressed her true intention. She offered to have illicit relations with him.

In an instant, Abdullah’s face turned crimson red.  He did not pay attention to this illicit offer. He wanted to continue on his way.

Yet Ruqiyyah wanted him all for herself. She rendered her desire into a more enticing offer: “I have as many camels as the ones that were sacrificed on your behalf, so if you accept my offer then I will give them all to you”.

Abdullah did not heed this appealing offer and provided an answer that promoted his innocence:

“Haram is so painful that the pain of death is lighter in comparison to it whereas halal is so sweet. Oh, woman, go and openly seek what is halal! Those who possess honor and chastity protect their faith scrupulously. How can they attempt and dare to commit an action that is deemed dishonorable?”

After his dignified answer, Abdullah continued on his way in front the beautiful Ruqiyyah, whose eyes were combined with looks of admiration and sadness.

Days later, Abdullah was married and came across the same woman on the streets of Mecca once more. The same Ruqiyyah did not exhibit the slightest signs of desire and longing. On the contrary, she was very apathetic and dull.

Abdullah asked, “What happened to you? Your condition has changed”.

Ruqiyyah answered, “That day a mysterious noor (light) was shining on your forehead. I lost myself in the face of that noor, but now I cannot see it”.

Yes, the noor that shone on Hazrat Abdullah’s forehead was no longer there.

Because it had transferred to the forehead of the greatest mother, Hazrat Amina, who was carrying the Holy Prophet (PBUH) in her womb.

Actually, she was not the only woman who admired and was amazed by Hazrat Abdullah. All of the Qurayshi girls turned their eyes to this young man who was immaculate, free of bad conduct, and adorned with the best of traits and virtue. However, it was without being able to conceive the secret of the brightness on his face and without comprehending the wisdom of God Almighty having foreordained him with the greatest of honors, being the father of the Prophet (PBUH) of the end of time.

Hazrat  Abdullah’s marriage to Hazrat Amina

Hazrat Abdullah was growing up day by day and the girls started to turn round him like a moth. However, he did not turn and look at any of them, preserving his chastity and honor. When Ab­dul­mut­ta­lib saw that his beloved son reached the age of marriage, he wanted him to have a happy family. However, it was necessary to find someone equal to him in every aspect. Ab­dul­mut­ta­lib soon found what he wanted. He went to Wahb b. Abdi Manaf, the chief of Bani Zuhra tribe, and told him that he wanted his son, Abdullah to marry Wahb’s daughter, Amina. Wahb accepted the proposal and said:

“O my cousin! We received this proposal before you. Amina’s mother had a dream a few days ago. According to what she narrated, a light entered our house and it illuminated the earth and the sky. Last night, I saw our grandfather, Ibrahim (pbuh), in my dream. He said to me, ‘I married Abdullah, Ab­dul­mut­ta­lib’s son, off to your daughter, Amina. When he comes, accept it.’ I have been under the influence of this dream since this morning. I constantly asked myself, ‘When will they come?’”

When Ab­dul­mut­ta­libheard it, he shouted, “Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!” joyfully.

Amina, Wahb’s daughter had a high rank among the girls of the Qurayshis in terms of beauty, ethics and nobility. She was equal to Abdullah; she was only 14 then. Abdullah was twenty-four years old. They soon had a wedding and got married; the family that would bring the Master of the Universe into the world was set up.

Death of Hazrat Abdullah

A few weeks after their marriage, something strange happened but not many people noticed it. The light that had been on the face of Hazrat Abdullah started to shine on the forehead of Amina. It meant Hazrat Amina was pregnant; she was going to give birth to the Master of the Universe.

A few months passed after their marriage.

Hazrat Abdullah went to Syria with a trade caravan.

That was all. Hazrat Abdullah never returned to Makkah. When the caravan returned to Makkah a few months later, Hazrat Abdullah was not among them. Only the ill news arrived.

Hazrat Abdullah had become ill in Madinah while returning from the journey. They had left him with his maternal uncles there.

When Ab­dul­mut­ta­lib received this news, he sent Harith, his son, to Madinah at once. When Harith arrived in Madinah, it was too late. Hazrat Abdullah had died without seeing his son, the Master of the Universe, even once. He had been buried in the yard of Nabigha, from the sons of Adiyy b. Najjar.

Harith returned to Makkah with this sorrowful news. Makkah was mourning for him. The fact that death, which does not discriminate between the young and the old, took Abdullah at a very young age and grieved the family of Abdulmuttalib extremely. The people of Makkah shared their sorrow by shedding tears for him.

It was impossible to describe the sorrow and grief of Amina, who was very young. When she heard the news, she started to melt like a candle. She could not help crying for days. She cried and cried. There were two months left for the birth of the person to come to the world; he would wipe the tears of the humanity with his light and stop their pains.

Hazrat Amina expressed her deep sorrow with the lines of this poem, which she wrote in tears:

From now on, the Batha branch of Makkah has no sons of Hashim. Makkah will be deprived of the fame of sons of Hashim!

He left his home in coverings and shrouds obeying the call of death.

If death walked around among people for years, it could not find a brave man like him and fill his gap.

His friends rushed to carry his coffin and carried him on their hands.

Unfortunately, death took him away from us at an unexpected time. In fact, he was so good-looking, generous and merciful! 

The Inheritance Hazrat Abdullah left

Hazrat Abdullah had been newly wed. He died while he was getting ready to earn something for the future. Therefore, he left a very modest inheritance. He left a female slave called Umm Ayman Baraka, who loved the Master of the Universe a lot, five camels, a few sheep, a sword and some silver coins. 

However, he left a very good child, who would be the Sun of the World, with the grace of Allah: a person to illuminate the world with his light; the Master of the Universe, Hazrat Muhammad, (pbuh).

[lentils-writes]

Day 27: Museum security guard/thief AU

(okay so @autisticdaisyjohnson came up with this one actually, sort of along these lines: “Kara is an infamous thief known for breaking into museums and private collections to steal artifacts and return them to the countries they belong to. Melinda works for a private security firm and is hired to catch her. But when she finally confronts her and Kara explains what she’s doing Melinda decides to join her and they live happily ever after stealing shit from rich old white people who shouldn’t have had it in the first place.“ and I wrote...sort of that lol)

HERMES STRIKES AGAIN! PRIVATE COLLECTOR RAIDED, OUT MILLIONS

Melinda raises an eyebrow at the headline. “So you want me to catch Hermes.”

“Or at least try,” says Mr. Coulson, the museum curator. “We have no idea where he’ll strike next, but seeing as the museum has thousands of rare and priceless pieces...well.” He nods. “We’d appreciate it if you could give us any information on him at all. The guy’s more slippery than an eel.”

“I’ll do my best,” says Melinda.

Mr. Coulson gives her a list of the museum’s most rare and valuable pieces, most of which seem to be confined to two of the rooms on the top floor. After doing a walkthrough of the whole museum, she begins to loop through the connecting rooms casually.

Nothing happens that first night, or the night after that, or the night after that. But she was hired for this job, so dammit, she’s not leaving until she gets results of some kind.

On night five, she’s in the Egyptian room when she hears the faintest footsteps nearby. She ducks behind a pillar and turns off her flashlight, trying to zero in on where exactly the steps are coming from.

A figure, dressed all in black, slips into the room and pads toward the jewelry case in the center of the room. Melinda waits until they’ve definitely grabbed several pieces from the case and then steps out, cocking her stun gun. “Hands in the air,” she barks. “Now.”

The figure tries to make a break for it, so Melinda gives chase. The thing is, she’s spent enough time walking around this floor that she knows it pretty well by now. So she takes a shortcut and manages to cut the thief off before he can make it to the emergency stairway.

He’s not really that much bigger than she is, so she hurls herself at him and points her gun at his head once she’s got him pinned. “Start talking,” she orders. “I tried doing this the nice way.”

“No!” says a voice, slightly muffled through the impromptu mask. “Never!”

It’s about this point that Melinda realizes a couple of things about this thief: namely, that it seems to be a she, and not a he. The voice is higher-pitched and the thief definitely has breasts. “Listen, girl,” she growls. “You can talk or I can haul you in in the morning. It’s up to you.”

The girl glares up at her. “What do you care?”

“I was hired to catch you,” says Melinda. “Since you’ve been stealing priceless artifacts.”

Squirming underneath her, the girl finally hisses, “They didn’t belong here!”

“Oh? And where do they belong? On the black market? With wealthy collectors you deem worthy?”

“No,” spits the girl. “They’re all stolen anyway. I’m just stealing them back.”

“What?”

“You can’t possibly think all these things were legitimately bought and then brought over here, do you?” The girl scoffs. “There are entire companies dedicated to stealing historical artifacts from other countries and selling them to the highest bidder. It’s disgusting. I’m just trying to return them.”

“You’re...what?” Melinda blinks. “Like some Robin Hood bullshit?”

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand,” grunts the girl. “You work here, why would you give a shit?”

“Hey!” protests Melinda. “Look, I don’t actually work here, I’m on temporary assignment until I can find Hermes. I’m guessing that’s you.”

At that, the girl looks incredibly smug. “I thought it’d be good to throw people off the scent.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.” Melinda tosses her head. “Real cute.”

“My dad was a Greek mythology professor,” says the girl, as if daring Melinda to give her shit for her name choice. “God of thieves as well as travelers and border crossings. Plus, idiots assume I’m a man.”

Melinda nods, as if thinking. “You realize I can’t let you go with these.”

“Why not?”

“I have to do my job,” says Melinda. “He said either photographic evidence or bring you in myself. I’m guessing you’d prefer the former?”

“I’d prefer neither,” the girl snaps. “I don’t want these fat cats to have these at all. But...if I let you take some pictures, can I take the rings?”

Melinda considers this for a minute. It’s possible she’s lying, but considering none of the other stolen items had ever shown up on the black market, probably not. “If I see any of these pop up for sale, you’ll regret it,” she warns. “And I’ll be taking the bag of rings for now.”

“It’s over there.” The girl moves her head to where the bagful of jewelry had landed several yards away. (Melinda had tackled her pretty hard apparently.) “Get off me so I can get up?”

Melinda does, not bothering to ask her if she needs help. Shortly after that is the weirdest photoshoot Melinda’s ever heard of. Once they’ve gotten what seems like a reasonable amount of pictures, she narrows her eyes at the would-be thief. “Get out of here,” she says. “And I’d better not see you back here.”

“No promises,” says the thief, winking at her before melting into the shadows.

---

They don’t meet again for another month, when Melinda’s hired to guard the extensive private collection of one Victoria Hand. She’d be lying if she wasn’t just a bit excited.

As she suspected, the girl slips in through the window and goes right for Kusanagi, the legendary Japanese sword.

Melinda coughs. “Long time no see.”

The girl jumps. “Oh,” she says, sounding almost nervous. “It’s you, isn’t it? From the museum?”

“It’s me,” agrees Melinda. “I see you’re still at it, Hermes.”

Chuckling, the girl says, “Sure am. Are we gonna have issues?”

“Well, let’s just say I deliberately took this job because I had a feeling you’d come here. And let’s just say I don’t disagree with what you’re doing.”

The girl might be smiling. “Thanks.”

“Sure. Go on.” Melinda steps back. “I’ll say I chased you out but you drove off.”

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” teases the thief, grabbing the sword and slipping out again.

The third museum job she takes is purely in hopes of seeing her again, even though it’s stupid. That time she’s in the wrong area of the museum, but the girl leaves her a note with a phone number: We should go on a real date. Call me.

“I wouldn’t have pegged you for the phone type,” says Melinda when the girl picks up.

“Burner phone,” says the girl casually. “D’you wanna meet up for coffee?”

“I’d like that.” Melinda pauses and then asks, “What’s your real name, anyway?”

“Kara.”

“Pretty.”

“Yeah, you’re not so bad yourself.”

[kyetalksshit]

Update for the first time in SO LONG

Hey guys! 

So it’s the 4th of july and I’m tipsy. Happy shitty ass holiday to all of u who care about it. I don’t. Fireworks are boring and sound like gunshots and loud ass cis white republican christian people get louder than usual about how “great” this country “used to be,” and get to celebrate the day this country was founded on native american genocide and rape and began an era of slavery and racism and a bunch of other motherfucking goddamn bullshit. 

Anyway. 

I told a storytime on my youtube channel about my ex who I called Gregg (bc he looks like Gregg Sulkin, or at least I thought he did back then. It’s actually a two parter so far. I have yet to get to the part where he dumped me over text and then tried to be friends with benefits with me, I refused, I tried, he refused, we fought a lot, repeat cycle. Wow that was a fucking shitstorm. Finally unfriended him a couple of months ago because of a shitty ass facebook post and I just didn’t have the energy anymore. Plus, he has a girlfriend now, and at this point any desire to communicate with him was based on a pure physical attraction and/or wanting to have some sort of intellectual conversation with him because, as much as I honestly still kind of resent him, I do admire his brain. Anyway.) 

So when I told the storytime, I spent a good hour going through my tumblr for posts about him (and his, for posts about me, which I remember desperately hoping for back when I was still with him or right after we broke up) and it kind of made me miss blogging. 

This has been the longest intro in the fucking world. Oh my god. Ugh. 

Anyway. 

I just kind of wanted to get on here and talk a little bit. 

I don’t remember what my original pushing thought was, since again, I’m tipsy, and I got so sidetracked talking about “gregg” (though let’s be real, if any of you watch that storytime and have followed me for long enough, you know exactly who I’m talking about. He doesn’t even follow me on tumblr anymore. He unfollowed me a long time ago, actually. And now that I’m talking so much about him I’m kind of tempted to text him, which would obviously be a fucking bad idea, but you know. I’m a masochist. We’ll see what I do later I guess. I don’t know.) 

I’m kind of miffed today. And by that, I mean I’m actually hurt but too prideful to say I’m hurt. My family is very clearly celebrating for this shit holiday, which they don’t know that I don’t care about, by the way, and no one even invited me. Yeah I was working most of the day but I got off at 8, and anyway I hadn’t told them I was working. My mother probably just “assumed I had to work and couldn’t make it” again. Even though she promised to make more of an effort to invite me to things. My heart hurts. 

Yeah I don’t care about fireworks, but I love my family and I miss my niece and my sister isn’t talking to me because apparently I’ve changed and she misses “Amber,” not “Kye.” (Oh yeah, I go by Kye now. Just, btw.) 

What she doesn’t seem to realize no matter how many times I tell her, is that Amber, that girl she grew up with that she apparently misses so goddamn much, she doesn’t exist anymore. She was a fucked up piece of shit too, if I’m being honest. I call my past self Amber instead of “past Kye” because I don’t know her anymore. You know why? 

Because I’ve been through so much motherfucking goddamn bullshit since then. I was raped. I left my family for a goddamn year over some slightly shitty but WAY overexaggerated bullshit (that, let’s be real, I’ll never fully forgive myself for) that was twisted into a horror story by the evil ex whose name I can’t even fucking SAY because it makes me feel fucking nauseous. I almost killed myself a couple of times. I cut over and over and motherfucking over again because I was so goddamn depressed, I got kicked out of TWO apartments (once because my roommate was just a bitch and wanted any made up excuse she could find, the other because my alcoholic roommate who sexually assaulted me MY FIRST NIGHT THERE and who is STILL my dm for one of my dnd games and tries to pretend he fucking cares about me, hallucinated our neighbors trying to kill us and made me take him to the hospital and file a police report when it was just his goddamn mind). I’ve been so broke for the past couple years I was a camgirl for awhile. I did live camshows for money. I also sold photos and videos of me naked, sometimes taking requests. It made me fucking miserable and gave me flashbacks but I was jobless and had to pay rent. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been considering starting again because I’m broke as fuck and I want to cry from how stressed I am most of the time, but I haven’t yet. You know why? 

Again, I was raped. And sexually assaulted, not just by that roommate, but also by two family members (like when I was a kid) who will remain unnamed (who never even said I’m sorry, by the way, even when I brought it up. I still hang out with one. How fucking sick do I have to be to still hang out with a family member who sexually assaulted me and apologized to my sister for touching her, but not me?). But also because I’ve been in this deep disgusting ass pit of self fucking loathing recently. I feel fat and ugly and nasty more often than not, every time I get a crush or a lust-crush on someone I start to feel guilty about it because how dare I burden someone with the weight of having to deal with my affection? I feel lonely and also selfish for feeling lonely, I miss my family but I also avoid them. And then I get upset when they don’t invite me to things. 

This is the last holiday I’m ever going to spend living in North Carolina. Connor and I are leaving for Los Angeles on August fucking 5th. I’ll be around for my brother’s and my cat’s birthday (incidentally they’re both on August 2nd), but then I’m gone. I won’t be able to make it to Christmas this year because let’s face it, I won’t have the money. The soonest they’re going to see me after I leave is MAYBE Christmas 2018, and I’m not even sure that’s going to happen. Hell, I’m not even christian anymore, celebrating it feels weird. 

Also, going back to this whole name shit and “I’ve changed” bullshit, Amber was an asshole. She made racist comments and used to say the “n” word back in high school. She literally laughed in boys’ faces when they asked her out if she wasn’t attracted to them, not even just because they were “out of her league” because she (rightfully) didn’t believe in “leagues,” but just because if she was going to say no, she was going to be a bitch about it. I remember one of my best friends’ little brothers asking me out in 9th grade, and he was in like 7th. He was OBVIOUSLY too young for me but I should have been fucking nice about it. Instead, I laughed at him, literally fucking laughed at him, and just said “omg bye.” 

She also didn’t know how to stand up for herself. She was mousy and depressed and anxious and small and hated herself and so who gave a fuck if people used her because what good was she herself anyway? Like yeah, Kye is fatter and her mental health has gone down the fucking drain (no really, my counselor thinks I’m borderline and I really need to be medicated honestly because it’s so hard to function I’m scared I’m going to fail at trying to be alive) but at least she can mostly say no, and she can cut people out her life when she wants to. At least Kye can pinpoint when people are trying to manipulate her (though if we’re being honest here, and holy fuck we really are, since the fucking evil ex aka my rapist, my mind is warped as fucking hell and I don’t know what’s real anymore. The amount of manipulation I have imagined and overreacted to is insane. My uncle wallace won’t talk to me because I overreacted when he had a shitty opinion and posted it on a status of mine, and I took it as him attacking me. I want to cry every time I think about it but I already sent him one long message explaining why, and then the next day I sent a really long apology message. I don’t know why I keep fucking things up with everyone I care about. It feels like Connor and my cat are the only ones I have anymore, and even Connor can drive me crazy sometimes because obviously, that’s how people are who live together and have known each other for 8 fucking years, and I’m so hard to live with and deal with because of the bpd and the fact that my anxiety shows itself in irritability and the amount of times I’ve snapped at them for fucking nothing is absolutely ridiculous. I’m mad that they still haven’t learned how to drive and we’re moving in a month and it’s looking like I’m going to have to drive by myself from one coast to another while they blissfully chill in the passenger seat and doze off or play on their phone or whatever, but in reality they’re probably really anxious about it too and they probably feel bad but can’t make theirself do it and it’s just I feel so shitty all the time oh my god). 

I don’t even know what the point of this post is, I just think I needed to vent somewhere that I don’t have to be careful what I say because no one reads this shit anyway. The second I vent where ANYONE in my family can see it, they’ll all jump down my throat for being “disrespectful to my parents” or some other bullshit. They fucking love bandwagons. One of their favorite phrases is “my army is bigger” and honestly that shit scares me because yeah, it is. And that goddamn army is too fucking prideful (like me) to accept when they maybe should hear someone out, and they will literally cyberbully you if they can. It may sound whiny, but I really do feel like I was cyberbullied that day with uncle wallace. I’m not even kidding (and again, no one reads this so I don’t feel bad saying this because it’s tru) I legitimately wanted to kill myself that day. Everyone was jumping down my throat AGAIN over something I said that hurt my mom when I didn’t even know it hurt her. If I had, I would have taken it down and apologized. They were also attacking me for an immature snapchat saying “fuck you and your shitty ass opinions” which was about my uncle, and yeah I deserved a little of that bullshit but I admitted that was wrong very shortly after. He wouldn’t even hear me out, but I was the bad guy, the disrespectful, ignorant black sheep who treated everyone like shit. I keep trying to pretend I’m over the whole thing but I’m so not. I won’t forget who said shit to me and who didn’t. Because that shit fucking hurt. 

I don’t want to tell Connor how mad I am over something they may not be able to control, I don’t want to fucking rub my sister’s face in how ‘not’ Amber I am (also, just, sidenote, the main reason I changed my is really because I hated Amber and wanted some control over my life and it really has made me happier, but also honestly it was partly because my fucking rapist has never called me “Kye” and so when I’m having fucking rape flashbacks I can separate myself from it so when she insists that Kye is horrible and she hates me now (she didn’t say that but she said I wouldn’t be in her life if I weren’t family and let’s face it, I’m not in her life rn anyway and I may as well not be family with how I’ve been treated recently, not that it’s not partly my fault, but still) and that she misses Amber, who she grew up with, who is the one she misses, not me, not who I am now. Honestly, when we were fighting it felt like she only said that because she needed a concrete reason to be mad at me so she grasped onto the fact that I’ve changed, which my whole family complains about, but

Look at all the motherfucking goddamn fucked up shit I’ve been through in the past few years. OF FUCKING COURSE I’VE CHANGED. It hurts like hell that my ENTIRE family is mad that I’m not the same girl who left them for an abusive fiance. Like yes, I’m kind of a bitch now when I need to be, and yes I overreact to things BECAUSE I’VE BEEN THROUGH TRAUMA U DON’T JUST FUCKING GET OVER THAT, and yes I changed my name and I’m not the motherfucking goddamn same but how dare you want me to be? 

I WANTED TO DIE. EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I HAVE NEVER HATED MYSELF AS MUCH AS I DID THEN. I HAD TWO EATING DISORDERS, AN ADDICTION TO CUTTING (for which I’m now getting urges so I’m going to end this soon), I HATED EVERYONE I KNEW, I WAS FUCKING SO DEPRESSED I COULDN’T EVEN, UGH, I WAS ONLY SLEEPING ONCE EVERY TWO NIGHTS SO I WAS HALLUCINATING, I PUSHED AWAY EVERYONE WHO EVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME, I SNAPPED AT EVERYONE WHO WAS NEAR ME WHEN I WAS ANXIOUS AND I DIDN’T KNOW MY TRIGGERS. NOW I CAN AT LEAST SEPARATE MYSELF FROM THE SITUATION SO I DON’T HURT PEOPLE AS MUCH. I DON’T TALK ABOUT THE VIEWS I HAVE THAT CONFLICT WITH EVERYONE ELSE’S SO I DON’T HAVE TO ARGUE WITH ANYONE. I HAVE MADE MYSELF SMALL, THEN MADE MYSELF BIG, AND REVERT TO SMALL WHEN I’M AROUND THEM, BUT IT’S STILL NOT FUCKING ENOUGH FOR THEM. 

WHEN, please fucking tell me WHEN, when will I be enough for them?