thisisnot-chris - Tumblr blog

[thisisnot-chris]

No story is perfect.

Never in a million years would I have thought my life's journey would turn out the way it has these past 29 years.

I remember growing up imagining what my life would be like after high school - wanted to be a meteorologist, thought I'd graduate college, have a wife and kids, you know... a "traditional American life".

Fast forward about a decade after high school - college wasn't for me in the long run, figured out I'm gay, and am now working in the music business - concert venue by day, producer by night.

Didn't see that coming.

Now obviously this didn't just happen out of nowhere - it came after years of working on a craft I never imagined I'd put my time into, putting myself out there after being a super shy little punk for so long, learning so many lessons the hard way, and connecting with so many people I never thought I'd meet. Through it all, I discovered what my life's passion is - to create genuine and authentic music listeners can feeling intense emotion from while bringing people together through it.

It's funny to look back on this because I HATED doing music related things when I was a young kid, from piano lessons, to choir practice, to playing the alto sax. But all it took was one moment to change my perspective on it and end up devoting my life to it.

That moment was during my junior year of high school.

An old friend that just transferred to my class from another school caught my attention when I discovered he was practicing guitar after school in an empty classroom while I was waiting for the school bus to pick me up and take me home. I wish it took longer for the bus to come because he was INCREDIBLE and I wanted to sit and listen endlessly. Imagine being 16 and playing Metallica's "Master of Puppets" spot on; that's what he could do alongside so many other songs. Pantera? Megadeth? Ozzy? Van Halen? Slayer? He could take it all on. (Fun side fact - I got to perform Aerosmith's "Dream On" and Ozzy's "Crazy Train" with him for our high school graduation and I WAS THE SINGER - definitely not a rock vocalist when I look back on it but it's a memory I still cherish today).

So that moment and hanging around him shortly after convinced me to try out the guitar.

And then a couple years later, it led me to try songwriting.

And finally during my freshman year of college, it led me to electronic music production (Thanks to Skrillex's music blowing up at the time).

Not what I expected but it got me somewhere thanks to my old friend.

Unfortunately he is no longer with us today; hearing that news back in my junior year of college crushed me. The impact he made on me is something I wish I could thank him for today. I ended up carrying the impact through an alias I made years ago.

  That alias is Full Metal Jackson, or as a lot of people have come to know the name as now, FMJ.

It was conceived in 2013 as an ode to him and combines two things he loved in the name - his favorite movie "Full Metal Jacket" and his Jackson guitar.

Since that year, I spent endless hours on learning music production and songwriting (alongside learning music theory and aural skills from college at the time) so I could take my best shot at writing music I liked and could then share. That early music would range from dubstep, electro house, progressive house, future house, tech house, tropical house, big room, future bass, jungle terror, drum & bass, trance, moombahton, and other various styles.

  While the skills for writing/producing music consistently built, the real challenge at the time was the matter of sharing it with others; even just a few people.

Of course I'm still gonna make music because I like it but I strive for something with music I share - if one person can get something positive out of what I wrote and shared, I'll be satisfied. If it took my old friend to just play guitar in an empty classroom to impact me that much, imagine what could happen if it was me playing the music for someone else.

But still, sharing music (or more specifically electronic dance music) in my small hometown of Neenah, WI... well, no one in that town was really into that kind of music (or at least who I knew and associated with at the time). Nothing wrong with that but I felt stuck from it. As 2016 hit, I stopped publicly sharing music for about 2 years because of this stuck feeling.

Around that same time though, a long period of self discovery began. Who was I and what did I want to do with my life? During it all, I met so many different people, travelled to different places (even out as far as Toronto, Canada), and found out there was more out there for me.

2018 comes and I got convinced to check out concerts that I didn't even know were happening in this state (thanks to my close friend Spookybro who I met when working at this e-commerce company selling toothbrushes in Neenah). I got to meet even MORE people but this time they had similar interests and love in the music I was so enveloped in for the longest time. Next thing you know, I start playing some small shows that summer and then shared music again publicly for the first time in years that September (the song was called "Number One", which I wrote for two good friends that got married that same month). More opportunities then came when I moved to Madison, such as playing opening slots for all kinds of international touring acts ranging from Downlink to Eptic to Tisoki (even got to perform with him for a B2B on stage); more music came from it that I still love today and I was able to share it with more people and see positive impacts made on some. There was even one song called "Snake Jazz" I released that (I felt) got a significant amount of attention in the underground scene; it even got support from names I've come to love like ATliens, Blanke, Eliminate, Crankdat, and more. Obviously it's not like I became some superstar making hundreds of thousands of dollars while being signed to some major label or agency from any of these opportunities and experiences, which that's not what I'm after, but it was still crazy when looking back on it.

That's where life led me with music.

Never thought that would happen.

Yes, there were tons of rough times, low points, and challenges during it all. Friends were lost. Relationships were put on the line. Periods of intense stress, anxiety, even depression set in.  It even came close to a point of ending my life from a struggle I faced I've shared about too often during that all, but it and nothing else ended up stopping me in the long run.

And from everything I've gained from that entire period, I wouldn't change it ever.

But during 2020, I came to a point where I asked myself an important question - is this what I want to do with music and my life in the long run?

...

So while the pandemic took the world by storm, an opportunity came for me to find out what I was meant to put out there.

And after writing music for over 11 years now...

I finally found my sound.

This opportunity let me take everything I have come to love throughout my life, such as different kinds of music (Porter Robinson/Virtual Self, Illenium, Seven Lions, RL Grime, Skeler, The Prodigy, The Crystal Method, Pendulum, Linkin Park, etc), to different kinds of shows/games/toys (Pokemon, Bionicle, Cowboy Bebop, Fullmetal Alchemist, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Death Note, Halo, Portal, etc), to nature/outdoor settings (sunsets, cityscapes, skyscrapers, etc), even to different colors (blue, orange, purple, pink), and combine concepts based on them all in various ways to make a sonic identity that is truly me. It may not be the most innovative identity at this point, but it is 100% me. Not to mention I'm always one to try different things and experiment, seeing if something new can come forth and grow exponentially from where this starts.

Which it all starts tomorrow, July 14th, 2021.

And while I'm beyond scared to reveal it all, I'm excited nonetheless.

Funnily enough, I originally planned on launching this project in September 2021 but an opportunity was given to me (thanks to my friend Synymata) pushing up the launch date; now from it though, the project's debut release will be on a well-known EDM record label I am happy to be a part of now. Guess it ironically ties into the name of the project a bit.

But knowing this is the point I'm at currently from looking back years ago is insane to me and I can't wait to see what could come from it.

As I said before, I'm not trying to be some superstar but I'm obviously gonna try and take it as far as I can. Even if there's days or even weeks where nothing productive comes from my sessions, I can't let it stop because I'll never know what could happen from it without trying. Maybe something unbelievably crazy will happen. Maybe it will take me to cities and countries I never imagined to see with my own eyes. Maybe it will connect with new people I end up calling life long friends. Maybe I'll meet the love of my life along it all.

  Or maybe none of this will happen.

I honestly don't know.

But I'm never gonna know unless I try.

That's the mentality that changed my life for the better within the past few years than if I didn't approach matters like that.

  And it has and/or could for those reading this too with that mentality depending on the situation.

Yes, mistakes were still made; lessons were learned. And they continue to be made and learned from. The same can apply to anyone reading this.

But it's all part of the journey.

It's not perfect.

It's inconsistent.

  It's not a smooth straight line - it's rough, jagged, and curves in many different directions.

It's broken.

But, for me at least, I wouldn't have it any other way. All the memories made; the realest and most genuine people I've come to call friends; the family I am fortunate to have; the lessons learned; the skills gained; the experiences; the happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, ALL the emotions and feelings that came from them. All of it was worth it.

Crazy how unexpected moments whether in high school or at some e-commerce job you're working at can change it all for the better in the long run; they basically shaped my story into something why better than I could’ve imagined.

So if you're reading this and feel your story isn't what you had in mind so far - your story isn't over til' you say it is. You'll never know what it could be unless to give something a shot. Getting that new job, going on that trip you've dreamed of, finally asking that crush out; you never know unless you give it a shot. Of course everyone's life is different and situations aren't all relatable, heck you may not take on the opportunity once it appears and that could be better for your story too!

Regardless, whenever an opportunity comes, you'll know what will be best to do.

In the end, the story will continue til' you say so. And I feel it is best to keep telling that story for as long as you truly can.

Hey, like I said, no story is perfect. Ever.

But the best stories aren't all "happily ever after fairytales".

The best I feel are the ones that you get something positive out of.

They TEACH you; INSPIRE you; make you FEEL; CHANGE you for the BETTER.

They give you this indescribable feeling that lingers over you that you can't seem to shake off at first and it may even feel scary at times but after it subsides, you know something good happened to you from it.

Those are the stories that define you.

And what more could you want than to share them alongside that indescribable feeling and so many other emotions with someone else in this life.

In this journey.

This saga.

That's what this new project is all about.

And you're all welcome to be a part of it.

This Broken Saga.

[thisisnot-chris]

(Disclaimer: this is a very long story if you intend to read this)

Today is May 18th, 2020. Exactly one year ago, May 18th 2019, I tried to take my own life...

That is such a mind boggling thing to me still; I tried to end it all. In fact, I tried to twice. There was a second attempt I made nearly two months later from this first one. While the second one started my wake up call to get out of the hole I put myself in, the first one was a very close call.

What led to this point for me? What in the world would want me to just stop living?

Well... I was in pain. An extremely intense pain.

I was heartbroken.

Was it a good reason? No. But it was the reason and my handling of that led to my attempts.

It was a certain number of weeks that led up to that point for me.

I was seeing a man that I met at a show of mine back on Black Friday 2018. Never expected to meet him but things just kinda happened. We briefly talked here and there after that show and eventually I spent the whole NYE weekend with him of that year. Things grew fast and it led to a point where we had a conversation on a personal struggle of his.

He told me that he is (and still is) an alcoholic.

He needed help and I knew I wanted to be there to help him. I didn't turn him away. Shortly after that he told me his feelings for me, which I shared mine back as well. Regardless of his matter, it felt unreal. He started to get help at the time (to my knowledge at the time) and I even stopped drinking so he didn't have to take that path alone. I felt everything would be good here on after such an open conversation.

But soon after that, things went through an "up and down" period. He started being distant. Big sign for me was the lack of physical affection like a kiss, or even a hug, at times. There were others but it made me really question if something was wrong. We did have a talk where he claimed things seem to bore him with everything but something seemed off about that. There were red flags flying high above me but I just ignored them, thinking "Oh cmon that's nothing to hold against anybody! He's dealing with so much!" A lesson learned there for me is to fully keep red flags in mind; it doesn't automatically mean don't stay with this person but it's something important to keep in mind and have a conversation about if things get to a shaky point.

As March came along, I moved to Madison and was able to see him more often and spend time with him. It seemed things got better but only for a couple weeks. It was really hitting me at this point because I knew my feelings for him were getting much stronger. In fact, I realized I was starting to fall for him. I never felt such a way about anybody before in my life. I thought he had so many qualities I was looking for in a significant other at the time. I felt he could be the one.

I ended up confessing my love for him (in an extremely awkward manner) face to face, asking him to be my boyfriend. He didn't give an answer right away though; he told me a week later his answer.

He told me he was still in love with his ex and that we should just be friends.

Now I get everyone has a right to keep something going or not with someone they're seeing, and I was "ok" with his answer at first. The thing was I met his ex; they were friends still and was told that was all they were. I was also told he cut him off around when he first started seeing me and that it "worked" to remove any feelings he had. If that was the case, why was he still in love with him? Did I do something wrong? Was I not good enough? If he was still in love with him, why did anything start between us? Why did he say he has feelings for me if he wasn't emotionally ready to start something with someone new?

These questions don't matter anymore with him but at the time they consumed me. I felt like I was used. I felt lied to. It hurt. From the coming weeks after this "breakup" I started to become depressed and isolated myself frequently. I even went off the grid for a few days without telling anyone. I turned my phone on airplane mode so I wouldn't hear from anyone. When I turned it back on though, I saw all these messages and missed calls from friends and family all around asking where I was. I even found out my parents came down to see if I was ok. I felt terrible from doing it. During this though, I found out my "ex" was worried too. I ended up calling him and talking to him. He told me I shouldn't be alone, so he talked to some of my other friends on what would be best for me for that night. They agreed I should stay with him.

Hearing that did two things; it made me think he truly cared and made me feel there was a chance to rekindle and actually be friends (part of me stupidly thought there could be more from it too). So I waited for him to get done with his side job at the time and then headed over once he was home. I got to his place and waited outside the door.

I texted him.

No answer.

I called him.

No answer.

I rang the door bell.

No answer.

I sat outside in the cold for an hour waiting for him. His lights were on so I knew he was home. I just literally scared so many people in my life wondering where I was and it was agreed upon I shouldn't be alone that nite so I didn't want to leave.

He never answered. I couldn't wait in the cold any longer. It was late too and I didn't want to bother anyone else so I went home. I ended up being alone.

The next morning he texted me saying he was sorry and that he fell asleep shortly after coming home. For me though, if someone I knew and cared about truly needed to be with someone for the nite, I would make sure they made it home first; falling asleep meant there was never any care. I was beyond hurt. I felt I could rely on him in a time of need. He proved me wrong. I balled throughout the day and eventually decided to go back to the Fox Cities and spend time with friends and family. Funny enough though before I headed back, he texted me saying he was called off work and that we should hang out. I had him call me and told him it hurt too much to be around him. We cut ties at that point.

I regretted it soon after.

I grew this unhealthy attachment to him. It consumed me. I even tried to brush off what I said to him but he felt it was better to keep space. I didn't want to accept it. I felt like I couldn't live without him. I kept digging myself into a deeper hole and I just didn't seem to stop. The pain I felt kept intensifying and I just wanted to be put out of my misery. I even started to truly contemplate over taking my life. I researched different methods I felt could be easy enough for me to do (Note: researching methods is one of the scariest things you could ever do. When you see detailed step by step directions with lines that say "you've reached succession", you can't help but tear up knowing this is something you are truly considering.). As I look back, I didn't truly want to end it all, I just wanted to no longer feel this pain. The pain only felt worse though and hit a peak soon after.

On May 17th 2019, I went to a show at a club in my area. It was a flow night and people could bring props to dance around with. I went there because a collective I was working with at the time told me my "ex" was going to be there. For me, I stupidly felt I could try and see him and talk to him again. When I got there, I basically stood in one spot the entire night. My "ex" actually came up to me and started talking to me, wondering how I was. I briefly talked but it felt too awkward so he walked off. It kept bugging me though. I wanted to talk to him but I didn't want to pester him or make things worse. It ate at me. On top of that, that wasn't the only bothersome matter that night. I saw him drinking again. He told me his struggles he had with alcohol over the years and now he was ordering vodka red bulls. Did he fall off the wagon? Did he just not care anymore? What the heck was going on?? It was a lot in mind.

When the show ended, everyone there went outside and chatted and such. By the time everyone outside left, it was just me, my "ex", and some guy he bummed a smoke off of. I wanted to talk to him still, but ended up awkwardly waving goodbye. I headed back to my car in the parking ramp nearby. I drove down and made it to the toll booth, paid my fee, and was around to drive out. A triggering moment happened though that froze me in my tracks.

As I was about to drive out, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw my "ex". He was standing outside. Looking at me. There were no other cars or people around. I was wondering what was he doing? Did he want to talk? Was something wrong? It felt like an eternity. I was caught between pulling up to him or driving off. I ended up driving off. Soon after I did though, I regretted it and turned around. By the time I made it back to that spot, he was walking down State St., a road in my city only buses and emergencies vehicles can drive down. I felt like he died and that I would never see him again.

I ended up speeding back to my apartment. It was 2:25AM when I got home. I fell to my knees and balled in the most painful manner imaginable. I didn't want him gone. I wanted him back. But he was never going to be back. I wanted to be put out of my misery. I wanted to attempt that early morning. I ended up passing out in my bed though hoping things would get better.

When I woke up, nothing changed. I felt like nothing was ever gonna get better. It was around 10AM or so when I finally decided I was gonna try to take my life.

My choice of method was by poisoning: I tried using Everclear. I had two bottles of it and felt that would be enough to do it. I had never touched it before and never realized how badly it burned going down your throat. I ended up downing it though, I didn't care. I had already gone through half a bottle when something stopped me. A friend of mine was in town and wanted to see me. I wanted to ignore him but what crossed over me was I was never gonna see my friends or family again. I didn't want to have that happen. So I stopped and told him to come over. When he did, I told him everything. He saw how my place looked too and that was reason enough for him to believe something was wrong. I balled my eyes out confessing everything. Eventually though the Everclear started to hit me and I blacked out. I didn't know if that was truly enough but I partially hoped it was after having my friend see me like that.

Thankfully it wasn't the end.

I woke up in the hospital about 7 hours later from my point of blacking out. I couldn't see straight, my head was pounding, and body felt like it was about to keel over at any point. My family was there. I apparently called them in my haze and they knew something was wrong. During that point in the hospital though going into the night staying over, I was beyond sick. I wasn't sure I was gonna make it through it and was genuinely sacred.

I woke up that next morning though, while still sick, feeling better than before. A doctor told me my BAC was at 0.38. which is 0.02 away from the fatal level. Now I still don't fully understand what happened with my body during that but apparently my carbon dioxide levels had become extremely unstable and if I had continued drinking more or wasn't taken to the hospital sooner to control it, I either could've suffered permanent damage to my nervous system or I could've actually not made it...

After finding that out, I had my family and a number of friends visit me. I thought to myself why were so many people visiting me? I tried to put myself out of misery and never see any of you again, what did I do to deserve this? It meant a lot but I still felt troubled. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days to try and recover myself. I did feel a bit better but I knew I wasn't quite out of that slump.

The struggle carried on for the next two months until a triggering moment had me put myself in the hospital again. I heard from a friend of mine about my "ex" apparently getting back together with his ex. To me that hurt beyond what I felt before. I truly felt like I was used to fill a void until he could get back with who he actually wanted to be with. I thought he got what he wanted and left me in the dust. From it, I ended up attempting in a similar fashion to the first time. It wasn't as bad as the first time because a moment stopped me during my second attempt. I sent an incredibly long and crazy message to my "ex" about it all. Once I hit send, I immediately regretted it. How could I say something so crazy to someone like that? I didn't want this any more. I asked another friend to come and get me. I didnt want to feel the way I did anymore. I wanted to be free from it...

I woke up in the hospital the next day.

I was in the hospital AGAIN...

WHY WAS I THERE AGAIN?!

I was beyond upset with myself. This is not what my life should've been like. From it too, my family and a number of friends were upset over this happening again too. This was not ok. It was all over some stupid guy and I can't believe I let things spiral out of control to those points because of this breakup. So from that point on, I made a heck of an effort to break out of it.

I only stayed in the hospital for 2 days that time. The doctors felt I made a significant recovery and decided it'd be best for me to go back to life after that time. After dismissal began a slow but steady process to break from that unhealthy attachment and be myself again. I still had some struggling days for a number of months since then but I kept at it.

By the time November hit, I truly felt like myself again. I felt much more confident and in control and mindful of everything in my life. To add on top of it too, life seemed to tell me otherwise that even if things continued with my "ex", it never would've been a good fit for me anyways. I found out about multiple instances of other men he was talking to behind my back from these guys who reached out to me directly. I found out things didn't go as planned for him with his ex and yet was still trying to rekindle things. The biggest thing from it all though was he reached out to me and told me that he was in rehab now for his alcoholism for who knows how long. Now this isn't me trying to blast him or anything, this is just making a point from this situation. It went to show that no matter how strongly you feel about someone, you need to put yourself first. If I kept having that unhealthy attachment to him during finding out all these things, I don't think I would've gotten back to being myself as soon as I ended up doing so, in fact it could've gotten worse. It's unfortunate for him with his choices and situations now but I've got my own life to live and I can't have something negative hold me back again like that.

From this all, I amazingly have become so much closer to friends and family, have gained so many more new opportunities with music than I ever thought possible, and am happier than I have ever been before. Not everyday is perfect but from those times, you still make the most of them and keep moving forward. We are in control of our own ways of thinking and handling things. Yes there are certain factors that we don't have control over but when you fully realize and take control of what you can in life, you'll see how much more you can do in your life than you ever thought possible. Realizing the situations and factors that can trigger or have triggered you will make you more mindful of your energy and where to put it. It's best to place that energy into something positive to keep you going rather than letting negativity overtake you and drain you out.

I wish it didn't take a second trip to the hospital to have me realize this but I guess if I never learned the hard way, it never would've made as much of an impact on me to break free from my own unhealthy mindset.

Now with the better place I am in now, I hope that my story and experiences can help others that want help in their own struggles they may have. I may not have a definitive solution for every situation but I can still lend a hand for those who want it however possible.

For those who read this that want help, I hope this does help you in some positive manner. After what I put myself through, I never want to see anyone else fall into that downward spiral like I once did. Anything I can do or anyone else can do to help is worth it.

I want to give a big thank you to my parents, my brother, my closest friends, old friends, the doctors and professionals that helped me, the many different concert goers I keep in touch with, and so many more for your love and support throughout not only this struggle I had in my life but throughout all the years spent with me. While it takes ones own decision to want to get better, I don't think I'd be where I am now without any of the help you've all provided along the way.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, help is always there. You just have to want it.

No matter how long it takes to have things better from it...

It's worth it.

[thisisnot-chris]

New City, New Opportunities

It has been a couple weeks now since I moved from my hometown area into a bigger city with bigger opportunities. 26 years later it took for something like this to happen, but what got it to happen was a time period taking about less than a year altogether. 

I had my first DJ gig in YEARS back in June 2018. Met some great people and it slowly started to build from there. July came for another show and I met even more people. But then September came and I started getting SO many more gigs and met even more people. I got asked to be a part of a good buddy's album (production/mixing/mastering), started a collab with one of my best friends (he's a spooky guy), and started to get even MORE support, feedback, and such. I had already known even through all this who I am and what my goals in life are. But there were 2 nights that pushed me into fully realizing my next step in life. What were they? Black Friday 2018 and NYE 2019. 

I had a big show that nite down in the city that I have moved to now; I had so many buddies of mine play that nite too, although so many of them were on the side stage at the club. I somehow was on the main stage apart from them who had all played longer and more recently and ALL SHOULD HAVE been on main stage too. The scene: it was 1AM, which was a PRIME time to play, and a packed house (maybe 150-200 people). Once I stepped onto the stage and began my set, I truly felt alive. I felt like my myself the most out of any nite before in my life. It is definitely my favorite set I've played so far. There were so many good friends there, jamming to what they heard (whether Excision, Porter Robinson, Halsey, Linkin Park [which the crowd sang along to!], The Chainsmokers, that stupid Mo Bamba song, a dubstep track that has Lemongrab from Adventure Time screaming "ONE MILLION YEARS DUNGEON", etc etc etc) and letting all energy loose. I was blown away. So many people came up to me after, whether friends or people I never met, expressing love and kindness in an overwhelming manner (regardless of their intoxication levels 😜). I even met some very special people during it that I am happy to have in my life now (whether they know it or not, and whether we will still be a part of each other's lives here on or not). 

After that show, I unexpectedly had the opportunity to explore a little bit more of the city the rest of that weekend. Being in the city and seeing what it was like on these little excursions with the peeps I was with. From trying the local cuisine (the city's brunch is to DIE for [but not worth spending $15 on OJ for😂]), to exploring the streets, to carrying on conversations about various experiences; it was enlightening to me. But once I drove back to my previous home at the end of that weekend, I realized there was so much more that awaited there for me and that the only way I would be able to see it was to end up living there. And it all began because of time and efforts leading up to one nite.

It was further cemented how much I wanted to live there though during NYE weekend leading into 2019. I had two shows that weekend; first one had a shaky moment but I still pushed through it and had an amazing time. Spent time in the city even more between the first show til the second one which was on NYE itself; met and played for one of the biggest local DJs in the Midwest who I am glad to look up to, have played alongside, and shared in many experiences with (and will likely make music with as well 😉 ). That nite in itself was honestly one of the best nites of my life; still saw so many people, met many more, made unforgettable memories that I'll cherish forever, from the start of my set, to the stroke of midnite, and so much more that happened. Everyone I spent time with that weekend has made a huge impact on me and I wouldn't be in this new city if it wasn't for any of them. Goes to show how unexpected experiences can change your life in the blink of an eye. 

There are only 3 things I truly want in life; the rest doesn't matter. These nites opened the door to give me ALL of these three 3 things I wanted in life. Only way to find out what those are is you'll have to ask me about in person some time. But from that nite and some unexpected life events shortly after it, my next step on this journey is about to begin much sooner than anticipated. There is no guarantee it'll turn out how I would like it to. More opportunities, more connections, immersing into a newer broader culture, a real and meaningful chance at something more than friendship; all things I would like to happen and/or have continue, but it has only been a couple weeks and there are no answers yet at all. Except for one: this city already truly feels like home to me. The rest will come in due time and I welcome what lies ahead of me.

Let's see where life takes me next :)

[thisisnot-chris]

Where Life’s Taken Me

These past few years since my last year of college have been quite the roller-coaster ride. I never imagined it to turn out this way (so far). I look back and remember what I was like in high school; a shy, scared kid who wasn’t sure what to do in life and was afraid of criticism. I see what I’ve become 8 years later; an outgoing, adventure seeking, person who knows what he wants in life and isn’t bound by the fear of other’s opinions. College helped me realize what I wanted to do but part of me still felt held back by other people’s thoughts on what I was trying to do with my life during that time. My choices were too risky; no job security; why wasn’t it something “typical & traditional”. I ended up learning that was not me at all years later, and it wasn’t easy to come to terms with it throughout that time. In fact it all came together in the last 2-3 years. All I had to do was figure out things with myself and who I truly am. Those ideas and thoughts sat dormant in the back of my mind for a very long time but it took some unexpected events to occur which initiated that journey.

It started in December 2015. I was about to start an internship with a local booking agency that specialized in EDM shows; something I was beyond ecstatic about. I love EDM. I love music and everything about it; both artistically and business-wise. I wanted to share the amazing news with a number of my good friends at a Christmas party we had one Saturday nite, about 1 week before Christmas came. The party was a blast so far; drinking games, great music, and so many laughs. I shared the news with everyone there and it felt so satisfying to share a new experience coming my way with the people I cared about. Little did I know… I was about to get some news later on at the party.

I was in the basement and had to go use the bathroom upstairs. I made my way up and stepped into the kitchen where 3 of my friends were talking. One of them said 3 words that changed it all; “Chris is gay”. I uttered something back in confusion and all 3 heads turned towards me with looks on their faces that screamed “OH SHIT!...” One of my other friends pulls me into the living room while I’m still puzzled as all hell and begins to legitimately question if I was or not. I was PISSED, and I’m usually not one to get angry very easily. They had known me all these years and NOW I hear about this?! And the reasons as to why were so stereotypical; I wore pink clothes, I watched what I ate, I didn’t drink much, I talk differently, etc. How the fuck should those label me anything?!?! They started apologizing afterwards and said they shouldn’t have made bold conclusions like that. At that point I should’ve gotten over it. But I didn’t. It bothered me. REALLY badly. And it only worsened in the coming months and years.

Shortly after the new year, my internship didn’t turn into a full-term employment due to the manager’s business needs and schedule. I needed to find work in the time being so I could make money and move out of my family’s house and continue investing in what I wanted to do with music. That time off had that thought keep coming back to me. George Michael once said, “When someone questions your sexuality, you begin to question EVERYTHING!” That’s exactly what happened to me. I never dated a woman in my life; but that shouldn’t have meant anything. I had crushes on girls throughout the years. When I was a much bigger kid in middle and high school, I started wanting to lose weight and exercise. I would compare myself to other attractive and much more fit men, looking at them and saying “God, I really wish I looked like that.” I didn’t think that meant anything either, even though I still had thoughts like that after losing so much weight. I kept pushing it aside during this time. I even joked to myself about it; for some reason, I always remembered this line from a Ron White stand up special where he says “Guys, if you ever have a thought… let it go. Everyone’s a little gay.” That line made me think of the times my friends and I poked fun like that; I didn’t realize I was just fighting myself. That year’s summer and fall began some very serious talks with myself soon on.

During my job search leading into the summer, I had a good friend keep in contact with me over the search and how I was doing. I started hanging out and spending time with him more; video games, watching stand up, random shit, whatever it was. It was great. As it got warmer, I was invited out to bonfires and hung out with a bunch of guys he became acquainted with. I was relatively quiet around them but it was still fun hearing their conversations. I was glad I got to spend time like this with my friend. Then in the middle of July, I finally got a job for the time being at a financial institution. Soon after accepting that position, I was also invited on a camping trip up North with him and his buddies. I ended up arriving on a Friday afternoon at a lake while they were out on a friend’s boat; they were drinking beer, listening to music, games, you name it. I thought it was great he invited me and will always remember my time out there. After a couple hours, they wanted to head back to the campsite they were at but I had no clue where it was. He offered to direct me back. I got back in my car, and then he got in it, sitting in the passenger seat. I drove halfway there until a state patrol officer pulled us over. There was a festival that weekend so he was just checking for drunk drivers but he kept us there for a good 15-20 minutes for whatever reason. We sat there for a while, trying to see what he was doing. But I wasn’t looking at the officer that whole time. I couldn’t help but look at my friend and I didn’t understand why. There he was next to me. Slightly buzzed. Wearing a hat from a foreign country. Shirtless. That was the moment there that something seemed different to me. What the hell was going on???

After that ordeal, we made it to the site and got ready for the festival. It ended up getting rained on and they got a crappy replacement band instead of the one they’ve gotten before. Their specialty ‘Summer Hummer” drinks were cheap though so it was a win in the end. We then headed back and had a fire for a bit til’ the rain got heavier and we all huddled under a canopy. I stayed in one of the guys’ tents that nite but had so much trouble sleeping because I kept thinking about that moment my friend and I got pulled over. Why couldn’t I help but look at him like that?... The next morning, we all packed up to leave but he wanted to stay and hike the area and asked me to. I wanted to say yes but that moment in the car yesterday scared me from doing so. I said I was gonna head back home instead. The questioning continued on the drive home. The nights after when I went to bed. Throughout the day during my new job. We still hung out since that and the questions kept growing on me. Why? Why was I looking at him like that??? Within that next month, what I considered to be the scariest thought I ever had ended up revealing itself to me… I think I was starting to have feelings for him.

That thought began to mess with me even worse than the initial questioning. I never thought things like this before; why now?? The coming September furthered this. There was a nite we went out and one of his friend’s questioned my sexuality. Pissed me off again. But I still had thoughts and they scared me more. I never knew anyone who was gay at this point and I wasn’t sure on my friends and immediate family’s thoughts on homosexuality. Then, one of my current best friends that was rooming with him at the time was planning on moving to California in October. My friend I started to have feelings for… offered me to move in. Living with someone you have feelings for… how the hell could this be a good idea?... My head couldn’t take it anymore. It started to affect me negatively from here on. 

Jumping to October 29th, 2016, around the time my best friend moved to Cali, my “crush” and a couple other people went out to a bar for a Halloween party. On the ride back after the party, there was an argument on who the hottest woman was there. I was asked on my opinion. I never paid attention to any there and lied saying, “the blonde one”. Believe it not, there were no blonde women there that nite… We make it to his house, I use the bathroom, and come out to hear my two friends, one I’ve known since elementary school and the one I had feelings for, uttering to each other if I was gay. I had it at this point. I leaned against some cabinets, slid to the floor, and told them, “Guys… I’m not sure what I am.” I was scared out of my fucking mind. But they were ok with it. They didn’t care. It didn’t make a difference. That was a slight sigh of relief but I was “playing the bi-card” at this time. I could be interested in women too I thought back then. But I had feelings for my friend at this time… a man.

It wasn’t even 2 weeks later that my feelings were bothering me even more so; I felt the need to tell my good friend how I felt. Another friend of ours had a post-Halloween party at his place on November 5th, 2016 (“remember, remember, the 5th of November” has new meaning for me now); it was fun at first but the cops shut it down due to noise complaints. Still bothered, I then texted him at 1:00AM asking him where he was. He was on his way back home. I waited for him til 2:00AM when we arrived back to talk to him. I initially stated I started having feelings for someone we know and didn’t know what to do. He knew I was going to say it was him but kept asking who. I started to hold back myself from saying it was him. I was fucking crying for god sake. But I said it then. I liked him. And I couldn’t take it back. He then said his side of the matter; he appreciated me telling him, was flattered, but did not feel the same back. He did not feel that way about men. It didn’t change anything between us which shocked me. But I still didn’t know what to do. Did I simply just let it go? I unfortunately didn’t and it caused a major problem later on. I had more feelings for him after that talk. It wasn’t right. But I felt I lied to myself if I let it go.

January 2017 came around and I told my best friend in Cali about my questioning; he was ok with it and stated his support. I even told one of my friends that questioned me the nite of that Christmas party. I thought he out of all my friends would have the BIGGEST problem with it; but he didn’t. He hugged me and opened up much more about himself to me than I expected. He even suggested I talk to this woman we knew; little did I know she would end up helping me so much and becoming one of my best friends after we had dinner one nite. Oh, that major problem I mentioned? It began during the end of that month. Some friends and I were over at my “crush’s” place. My feelings were troubling me so much that nite. I ended up being a bit… “upfront” with him later that nite. How stupid could’ve I fucking been...

After that, he didn’t want to talk to me for awhile. He treated me differently. He distanced himself and when I look back on it, I can’t blame him. The feelings diminished away as they should’ve initially. I couldn’t believe I did this to a good friend. I crossed a line. I was not ok with myself. I felt like I was slipping into some phase of depression that screwed up my work performance, affected my job security, and made me feel everything was falling apart. Friends were breaking up and taking sides on different things. My one best friend moved to Cali and I thought I’d never see him again. I ended up telling more people that were close in my life about my questioning, including my parents, and everyone was ok with it. But I still struggled. I began to feel who I was was wrong. Being a man and having feelings for men was wrong.  I was still having AND causing problems. I even caused trust issues with more friends I care so much about and diminished those relationships significantly. I felt that I couldn’t take life anymore… I wanted to give up and leave everything behind… I tried to twice…

…

But I didn’t give up. I kept moving forward in dealing with this and figuring things out. The girl I mentioned who is one of my best friends now? She introduced me to so many new people that shared their experiences and opinions on things I never thought I’d hear about. She invited me to visit so many places that summer of 2017. From Sturgeon Bay, to Milwaukee, to Eagle River, to the Dells, to frickin’ Toronto, Canada for a big convention. I even went to Pasadena, California to visit my best friend that moved there and went to the Warner Bros Studios, downtown LA, and even saw the Hollywood Sign. I saw so much, did so much, and made so many memories. During that time, away from the typical things I dealt with back at home, it gave me answers to so many questions I had. That time even helped one of my other best friends in the area and coming to terms with her sexuality. But it answered one big one and I had an answer for myself soon enough; I am gay.

Since then, I’ve continued to meet new people, explore new places, and taken new opportunities that help me reach goals I’ve made for myself and what I want to do in my life. If I never came to terms with myself, I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed life as much as I do now. I never would’ve met so many amazing people. I never would’ve started playing shows again or getting a creative spark for music making again or even starting up a side business. It’s still a bumpy road, but isn’t it for everyone? You got to move forward, challenge yourself, and continue learning. That’s what life seems to be about to me. And I’m glad I see that now.

I’m sure most of the people closest to me have heard this story before so they can figure out who is who, but names shouldn’t be a defining factor here. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the amazing friends and family I have. My parents; even though some initial concern was shared, their love never changed. My brother; 8 years younger than me and so much more open minded than I ever was when I was his age. My friends I’ve known throughout middle and high school; I’m glad that we still hang out, talk, keep in touch, even with all the problems I caused. My friends I’ve made during and after college; I appreciate everything you guys have shared with me and every chance we get to see each other is something I value highly. My friend who was my “turning point”; I know things can never be the same like before but it’s good to know it’s much better than before. My 3 closest friends; if I never met any of you, I never would’ve came to terms with myself. Now I know who I am. I’m an EDM-loving, music making, goal oriented, cartoon & meme-mimicking, ambitious man that loves taking on a new adventure every chance he can get his hands on and won’t let life’s obstacles hold him back (who happens to be gay). I am who I am and I haven’t felt the need to hide it for the past year now. Thank you all for the impact you’ve made on me.

Let’s see where life takes me next   :)