#NItromare

[closetofanxiety]

Nitromare: We Got Some Hot Action in the Ring Tonight

The date: Monday, November 15, 1999

The place: Little Rock, Arkansas, the Alltel Arena 

The occasion: One month into the Russo-Ferrara tenure at WCW and “one fo the most important nights of 1999,” according to Tony Schiavone

H/t to Mark for the screen caps

We open up with an actual wrestling match. Or, I guess, an approximation of a wrestling match. Norman Smiley comes out in full football pads. Jimmy Hart comes out in a Renaissance Faire suit of armor. I never understood why they call medieval cosplay events Renaissance fairs. Different time periods, folks.

This is a terrible travesty, and Brian Knobbs comes out to hit Smiley in the head with an unprotected chair shot. The 1990s, ladies and gentlemen. The crowd is hot, at least. They are cheering Norman and booing Hart and Knobbs. I tell you what, Knobbs had a transcendentally cascading mullet deep into the 1990s. Good for him. Norman gets the pin in 4:46 after one of the worst table spots I have ever seen in my life.

“There’s more competition here than you’ll see in the World Series or the Super Bowl,” Bobby Heenan says. That seems preposterous, but the ‘99 Series saw the Yankees sweep the Braves, and the Super Bowl was a lackluster win for the Broncos. So ... maybe? Maybe Brain is correct?

We get recap and a backstage skit where some of the Nitro Girls scuffle. Russo was really eager to make the Nitro Girls into wrestlers.

The Outsiders come out. This is the episode where Nash has a horrific makeup job to make him look like Sid Vicious, which has attained a degree of immortality in wrestling social media circles where people post out-of-context screen captures. In fairness, it’s a pretty uncanny likeness: Big Kev looks like a “Spitting Image” puppet version of Sid. 

Sign in the crowd: “Iceberg Sank the Titanic / Goldberg Sank the Sid.” 

Sid comes out to a big pop. Ah, this is the one where he says “You are only half the man I am, and I have half the brain you do.” This is kind of a classic episode for devotees of Sid’s unintentional comedy. 

Backstage with Russo, who still hasn’t appeared on camera, berating Kim Page and telling her that she has to wrestle Asya. Russo is mad because Kim doesn’t want to be a Nitro Girl anymore. This is ironic, as Russo didn’t want the Nitro Girls to be Nitro Girls anymore.

Booker T comes out for a handicap match against Creative Control, the latest identity for Ron and Don Harris. I believe they were “Skull” and ... “8Ball” (?) in the WWE during the Gang Wars period. Here they are guys in suits enforcing the will of Russo. The crowd is still really hot. They love Booker T. The Harris Twins win clean (well, as clean as you can get in a handicap match) and the crowd is livid. Then the lights go out and the mysterious woman from last week is in the ring. She and Booker T go to town on the Harrises. WCW really wanted their own Chyna, boy. 

Backstage with the Harris Twins being berated by Vince, who brings up their unsuccessful WWF gimmicks, namechecks Dutch Mantell and scoffs, “Yeah, remember DOA? That was really over.” If there was one thing WCW’s still-huge TV audience couldn’t get enough of, it was INSIDER MINUTIAE. 

Evan Karagias comes out to wrestle your older cousin who never seems to hold a job for more than a couple of weeks. Approximately: a normal-ass guy in jeans and a tank top. This is Johnny Boone, the WCW referee that Karagias scrapped with last week. The commentary team does a bad job of explaining this. Madusa interferes, hypnotizing Johnny Boone with her womanly wiles, and Karagias gets the roll-up win in 2:50. 

We cut to Dr. Death Steve Williams coming into the building with “Oklahoma,” one of the worst ideas of the Russo era. This was Ed Ferrara doing an impression of Jim Ross that included mocking Ross’ Bell’s palsy. 

We have a five-way Piñata on a Pole match between El Dandy, Juventud Guerrero, Psicosis, Silver King, and Villano V. Most of the match is devoted to Ferrera’s shitty Jim Ross impression. Steve Williams looks like he would rather be getting a root canal. The average “BAH GAWD HE’S BROKEN IN HALF” YouTube parody clip is a better JR impression than Ferrara, who was last heard from teaching creative writing at the for-profit, accreditation-challenged money pit known as Full Sail University. 

The match ends in a no-contest when Dr. Death runs in and beats up all the luchadors. It sucks. Everything about this sucks. 

Goldberg vs. Curt Hennig with a needlessly complicated stipulation that involves Hennig’s career. It’s a good nasty brawl that starts in the back before the bell rings. Hennig could still perform at a high level even in this shitshow. He taps out to what might charitably be called a figure four in 4:23. Goldberg celebrates his victory by spearing and jackhammering Hennig, who has not lost his WCW contract despite losing the match, because he tapped out rather than getting pinned. Or something. 

The Misfits come down with Vampiro, for a match against Berlyn. Or maybe it’s a handicap match? Or a tag match? Berlyn and the Wall (hur hur) are wrestling four guys, although three of them are the Misfits. One of the Misfits who is not Jerry Only (Doyle?) takes a chokeslam from the wall, and lands on his neck rather than his back. That looks extremely painful. 

The Wall and Berlyn have the match won, but start fighting amongst themselves instead of getting the pin. Maybe one was from East Germany and one from West Germany. At any rate, after some arguing, the Wall gets the pin on Vampiro, who then gets whipped by a chain-wielding Berlyn. 

For some reason, Torrie Wilson is being forced to referee a match by a still-unseen Vince Russo. She has to wear a bikini while doing it, because of course she does. She protests. “Have a cream soda!” Russo says, for some reason. Then he dismisses her by saying “Go on, hit the skids,” probably meaning “hit the bricks,” but “hit the skids” was certainly a fair summation of Nitro’s trajectory under Vince Russo. 

Sid Vicious and Rick Steiner are wrestling. It immediately turns into a brawl through the crowd, which the crowd loves. Someone in the audience has a sign that says “Big Johnson, Inc.” This is all Sid, because Rick Steiner had pretty much had it by this point in his career. Sid powerbombs Steiner through the wooden stage, which is pretty great. 

“The Millennium is upon us,” Sid tells Tenay backstage. 

We’re backstage and the Barbarian and Gerry Flynn (Gary Flynn?) are having an “MMA-style fight” for some reason. There’s no explanation for any of this. “This is WCW’s version of a fight club,” Tony Schiavone says. Tony: the entire wrestling promotion is a fight club.

If this had been a real fight, Barbarian would have killed this guy, whoever he is. Barbarian is one of the famously legitimate tough guys in wrestling history. 

I don’t know why this exists on this program. It ends.

Asya and Kim Page are going to have what a fan’s sign describes as a “cat fight,” with a bikini-clad Torrie Wilson officiating. “Oh Lordy!” Tony shouts. She’s not good at being a referee, because she gets into a (JOEY STYLES VOICE) catfight!!!! with Asya. Then the Filthy Animals come out and take Torrie away. Kim puts a sleeper hold on Asya, although there is now no referee, sexxxy or otherwise. 

One thing this terrible exercise in self-hatred has taught me: I really like Kim Page. 

David Flair comes out with a ref shirt and a crowbar. Kim Page runs away. Asya beats the shit out of Flair, dropping the elbow onto his crotch. “Right in the Man Department!” Heenan says, and I laugh out loud. 

Flair turns it around and starts beating on Asya. The Revolution comes out and saves her. A match that started out as Asya vs. Kim Page ends as Dean Malenko vs. David Flair. 

Now we have Scott Hall vs. Chris Benoit, another match in the never-ending heavyweight title tournament. “How Bout Those Hogs,” a sign in the crowd asks.

Hall comes out with Nash. Benoit comes out with Bret Hart, because Canadians stick together. Benoit was a Stu Hart guy too, if I recall correctly. 

This could be a decent match. Hall still had gas left in the tank at this point, and Benoit was on the road to becoming arguably the best in the world. 

It starts well, with both guys trying to take the measure of the other, eventually settling into an exchange of truly brutal chops. Hall gets the upper hand with the help of Nash. Hart is not doing much to help Benoit beyond pointing sternly at Nash. 

“Marry Me Julie!” a sign in the crowd pleads. Julie: think hard about this.

Benoit rallies and knocks Hall out of the ring. Nash begins beating on Benoit as referee Nick Patrick looks on. For some reason this is not grounds for a disqualification. Bret Hart walks over and is very cross indeed, but doesn’t do anything. In the ring, Sid runs in and powerbombs Hall. Benoit gets back in the ring and hits his diving headbutt, then gets the win via submission. The whole thing takes 9:38. It’s OK. 

Another match in the longest title tournament in history, because this will never end. Ever. This time it’s Bret Hart vs. Billy Kidman, and Rey is joining Tony and Brain on commentary. It’s pretty good, but before long Scott Hall and Kevin Nash walk out and start brawling with Konnan and Eddie Guerrero. For some reason. Kidman taps to the Sharpshooter in 3:46. 

How is it possible that there are still matches left in this tournament? It evidently is, because we have another one: Buff Bagwell vs. Jeff Jarrett. Tony starts calling Jeff “The fair-haired child of ...” and then there’s like 10 seconds of silence, probably with Tony trying to remember if he’s allowed to mention Jerry Jarrett’s name on TV. He plays it safe and says, “... of the Powers That Be.” 

The match gets off to a good start, and then the Harris twins come down to the ring. They interfere, but the referee doesn’t see it because he’s ... tying his shoe. Jarrett gets the win, and then he and the Harris boys beat on Bagwell. Dustin Rhodes runs in to make the save. The crowd loves it. An old-school babyface tag team of Dustin Rhodes and Bagwell probably would have been really popular, but why would you do something that people would want to see?

Backstage, Bill Goldberg slams his head against a Surge soda pop vending machine, and a can of Surge pops out. There is nothing more Late Nineties than this moment.

We’re getting a cage match now, pitting Malenko and Perry Saturn of the Revolution vs. Konnan and Eddie of the Filthy Animals. This isn’t the main event, meaning they set up and broke down the cage during the show.

Shane Douglas joins the commentary team. “You’re like every other mark on the Internet who thinks they can call this better than me,” Tony says. This sucks so bad.

Eddie gets handcuffed to the cage while Konnan brawls with Malenko and Saturn. “Eddie’s trapped like a bug in a rug!” Douglas says, apparently not understanding that turn of phrase.

Saturn and Malenko now handcuff Konnan to the cage, and we have a sexxxy bondage match. Douglas enters the ring and the referee calls for the bell at 2:57. They set up a steel cage for a match that didn't even last three minutes. 

Luger and Liz come down to the ring for, I think, ANOTHER match in the Tournament That Cannot And Will Not End. It’s against Stinger. Luger tried to trick Sting into eating brownies loaded with laxatives before the match, because eating a plate of baked goods is absolutely part of Sting’s pre-match training regimen. Instead, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, trapped in some version of hell, intercepted the brownies and ate them. I hate that I am even typing these sentences.

Sting just starts beating the shit out of Luger, and the crowd loves it. This reminds me that there really was a WCW audience that just stopped following wrestling after 2001, instead of jumping to WWE or picking up on TNA. Sometimes that happens. America used to be full of boxing fans. 

“These two men have been friends ever since they came into this sport together,” Tony says, then quickly corrects himself: “I mean, into this business together.” Did Russo ban mentions of wrestling as a sport?

The match is good until it Russofies:

Ref bump - Liz maces Sting - Lex puts Sting in the torture rack - Meng runs in and starts killing Luger - Liz maces Meng - mace means nothing to Meng - Meng puts Sting on top of Luger - ref counts the pin

Backstage, we’re in a toilet stall with Jim Duggan, feeling the effects of the laxatives. Why was I permitted to do this. To do any of this.

Finally, mercifully, it’s time for the main event: a streetfight between Sid and Nash. They start brawling outside the ring even before the bell. 

“This is going to be the best pay-per-view in the history of pay-per-views,” Heenan says of the upcoming Mayhem 1999, which, as it would turn out, was not quite that good.

Back when I did a wrestling podcast, one of our running gags was that we were perpetually in search of a good Kevin Nash match. This is not that match. A lot of sluggish brawling around the ring, occasionally in the ring. I think a double axe handle is the only “move” in the first five minutes, apart from punches and knees. 

“These two can go all night,” Brain says, perhaps while watching a VHS tape showing a Kawada-Misawa match instead of this. 

There can’t be a single match without a run-in, and this time it’s Hall. He and Nash team up and start beating on Sid. It’s legal, because this is a streetfight. Then Goldberg runs in, but that is not legal for some reason. Maybe this is an anti-Semitic street where the fight is happening. The ref calls for the bell. There’s a disqualification. Sid now gives Goldberg a low blow and starts beating on him, and Bret Hart runs out to make the save. 

This was completely bad. 

[141e-2]

WCW Monday NitroMare on Elm Street via /r/pics https://ift.tt/3hoRwAc

[closetofanxiety]

Nitromare: Underneath the Barrel

Another week, another episode of Nitro from the Vince Russo era. This Monday is November 1, 1999, and we’re live from the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I went out to Minneapolis to see a wrestling show last year, and had a fine time. I don’t know if I’ll have as much fun watching this Nitro.

We open up with Bret Hart upbraiding Hall and Nash for interfering in his match last week. They don’t know why he’s upset, since they interfered on his behalf. “Screw you, Scott!” Bret yells. 

Bret walks out to the crowd, on crutches, and tells people he thinks Bill Goldberg is the rightful U.S. champion. Sid Vicious, hair product spilling down the back of his leather vest in thick rivulets, comes out and beats on Hart. Hall and Nash come out to mock the injured Canadian hero. 

We’re still in the midst of this nonsensical tournament to crown a new WCW world heavyweight champion. The brackets make me realize I’ve been misspelling Lash LeRoux’s name wrong for two straight installments of Nitromare. It’s in the spirit of Crash TV, bro!

One thing I appreciate is that the WWE Network has left in the commercials that are wrestling-themed, so there are some Randy Savage Slim Jims ads, and a lot of ads for WCW toys. It’s amazing how little ads for wrestling toys have changed since then. The medium is ripe for reinvention.

Some recap, some backstage nonsense, and we’re onto our first match: Vampiro vs. Berlyn, in a battle to see who is the top mall goth in all of WCW. It’s a pretty decent match, and then ... Oh God, it’s the Michael Graves-era Misfits running out of the back for some reason. “Vampiro is a musician as well,” Tony notes. I’ll say this: the Michael Graves albums aren’t as bad as people claim. Some decent songs on those, but people were just going to shit on anything that wasn’t Danzig, casually overlooking that “Earth A.D.” was terrible.

Ah, let’s see: ref bump, the Misfits take out Berlyn’s bodyguard, The Wall, with a chair shot, and then help Vampiro get the cheating win over Berlyn. The Wall has miraculously recovered from being knocked unconscious 15 seconds ago, and gives the microphone to Berlyn. “From now on, screw USA!” he says. 

Backstage, Hall is reading a newspaper. Ah, the 1990s! He and Nash mumble semi-audibly to each other. In another part of backstage, the Revolution have locked a leather-clad Torrie Wilson in a cage. “She’s the property now of the Revolution,” Brain informs us. 

The Revolution come out to the ring. Perry Saturn is wearing an outfit entirely composed of denim except for his leather Kangol. “You say you want a revolution?” Shane Douglas asks. No one said that, Shane. They let Perry talk for a while, which is a bold choice. Perry demands a key on top of a pole match, the key being the one to let Torrie Wilson out of her cage. Is this the first item on a pole match of the Russo era? I believe it is. 

Dean Malenko takes the mic to call out Chris Benoit. “You’ve been nothing but a puss, old buddy,” he says. DANGEROUSLY EDGY.

Benoit comes out. All these guys are in street clothes, which hilariously means polo shirts tucked into jeans. They look like a bunch of office guys getting ready to cut loose with a game of touch football at the company picnic. Chris Benoit announces he will wrestle Dean Malenko in a cage, which for some reason causes Malenko to have some kind of psychotic break. 

Backstage, the Filthy Animals are coming into the building, and a security stops them, demanding to see backstage passes. This makes a huge amount of sense. The Filthy Animals beat the security guy up, because they can’t be contained by your rules. Meanwhile, Mike Tenay is interviewing Kimberly Page, who is flanked by all the Nitro Girls. How many Nitro Girls can you name without looking it up? Was one of them named Sapphire? That’s about as much as I can muster. Kim tells the Nitro Girls she’s leaving the group. I never really thought of her as a Nitro Girl tbh. 

Ernest “The Cat” Miller comes to the ring, and the fake music the WWE Network inserts over his entrance song is unbelievably bad. Seriously, go and watch this. It’s incredible. It sounds like a Casio keyboard has been sunk in a vat of pickle brine before being struck by hammer-wielding orangutans. 

He’s wrestling Lash LeRoux. “Big future ahead for this guy,” Brain says. “I can see it. He’s going to explode.” He’s now a Christian cartoonist and illustrator, so maybe? This match lasts maybe two minutes. The Cat’s knee gives out and LeRoux picks up the win.

Backstage, Hart is raging about Nash and Hall. “These guys aren’t the bottom of the barrel, they’re underneath the barrel!” he fumes. Meanwhile, dissension in the Nitro Girls as they try to decide who will be the new leader. Elsewhere, the Filthy Animals are secretly videotaping Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth. Eddie Guerrero is wearing a fetching Cosby sweater. The camera keeps rolling after they stop acting and then they show an actual behind-the-scenes TNT director. Everyone is cracking up. LIVE TV, BRO! Maybe that was deliberate? Maybe Vince Russo was out to destroy the fourth wall once and for all?

Now we cut to a remote segment with a shockingly subdued, normal Scott Steiner talking about a back injury to Larry Zbyszko. This is a totally different Steiner. No shouting, no babbling, just a guy talking like a football player about the specifics of an injury and surgery. Larry is wearing a colored denim shirt with the Nitro logo on the breast pocket. At last, a garment fine enough for me to be wed in. Was this an attempt to do a “shoot interview”? Russo pulling back the curtain - this ain’t Scott Steiner the character, this is Scott Steiner THE HUMAN BEING! 

Now we’re back in the ring, and the Nitro Girls are dancing. I would like to read an oral history of this dance troupe. Get on that, Bixenspan. The dancing ends with some pushing and shoving, but before that can go anywhere, we’re backstage again, with Tenay interviewing Buff Bagwell. The Buff Daddy complains about “the writers” holding him back. 

A series of vignettes show us Kevin Nash doing a Vince McMahon impression. What am I doing with my life?

Back to the Nitro Girls. More pushing and shoving backstage. Trying to turn them into workers was such a characteristically Russovian decision. And, like most of his ideas, it was terrible and obviously doomed to fail.

A crowd sign: “BUFF IS THE REAL PEOPLE [sic] CHAMPION”

Stevie Ray comes out and announces that “the powers that be” have determined there will be a strap match. “Who said that? The two writers in the back?” Buff yells. Yes, Buff. So now we have a strap match. It’s not a good strap match, and the two suited goons who work for THE DAMN WRITERS IN THE BACK run out because Buff starts to win. Why do Russo and Ferrara hate Buff so much? 

We switch from the ring as the ring announcer is talking to Tenay interviewing Jeff Jarrett. “Don’t get slappy with me, Tenay!” he says. He drops some more insider terminology, because Vince Russo thought that was what normal people wanted. 

Kevin Nash comes out, a vision of horror in putty makeup, as Vince McMahon. “The fans out here, they don’t even know who he is,” Tony says. Which explains why they’re silently watching this terrible skit. Less than three years after this, Nash would be working for Vince McMahon once again, and losing to Chris Jericho in a hair vs. hair match. Life comes at you fast, Kevin.

“I put anyone out of business until I was the only show in town,” Nash as Vince says, eerily predicting what will happen in less than 18 months. The crowd is restless and bored. He uses some insider lingo, as was the style at the time. Nash-Vince introduces Scott Hall as “the Trouser Snake.” 

“He’s clean and sober!” Nash-Vince proclaims. This is grim. Fifteen years before this, a young “Magnum” Scott Hall was starting off in this very city, in the dying days of the once-great American Wrestling Association. How far we had all come. 

Hall launches some more insider lingo and does a crotch chop aimed at “the boys in New York.” Seconds and minutes of my life, rushing by, never to be held again. 

Backstage shit. Lex, Liz, Meng, Perfect. Ah, Perfect. The last great star of the Minneapolis-based AWA, a native of nearby Robbinsdale. What did Verne make of all this? I mean, Verne probably would have tried to put a 59-year-old Baron Von Raschke over Bret Hart, but I digress.

Hennig gets a good pop when he comes out. Brain points out Hennig’s father, the great AWA star Larry Hennig, at ringside. The ghosts of the 1970s are all around us. This is a match against Disco Inferno. This will not be up to the standard of one of Hennig’s matches in the previous decade with Nick Bockwinkel. 

The crowd absolutely fucking loses it for Larry Hennig, chanting “LARE-EE! LARE-EE!” as he punches Disco Inferno. Ah, that does my heart good.

Of course, this has to be interrupted by the random appearance of some goober walking down the ramp from backstage. Disco Inferno runs out to talk to him, and they walk down the ramp to the back. The bell rings, and Hennig wins by contour. Larry claps at ringside while looking like he’s seen someone shoot a family pet. 

Some backstage garbage. We come back to the ring for a “hardcore three-way dance.” The Barbarian w/Jimmy Hart, Meng, and ... Norman Smiley dressed as a baseball catcher. Two of the all-time legit tough guys and a star from the old British wrestling, in this goofy-ass plunder battle. This should have been a stiff, nasty classic. Instead it’s a slow, sloppy farce. 

Crowd sign, evidently made by a lunatic: “PUSH DAVID FLAIR.” 

In the ring, Meng and the Barbarian are chopping the shit out of Norman Smiley. THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. Smiley’s shoulder is sliced open, probably on one of those fake trash cans. He’s stretchered away from the ring for some reason. He jumps off the stretcher when he sees that Meng and the Barbarian have knocked each other out, and covers the Barbarian for the win.

Backstage, Jim Duggan is begging an unseen Vince Russo for his job. “I’ve been wrestling for 20 years, and I think I have more fan support than some of these guys out here doing the dropkicks.” Fancy, fancy dropkicks! 

Russo, off-camera, sneers, “It’s all about ratings. Next!” He managed to keep his voice off TV for two whole weeks. As we know, the amount of Vince Russo time would only grow. 

Jarrett comes out and demands to see Luger. Jarrett is mad that Luger accused him of beating up Miss Elizabeth two weeks ago. “This is not the WWF. We don’t abuse women here!” Luger comes out and apologizes for accusing Jeff Jarrett of hitting Miss Elizabeth with a guitar. This is exactly like “War and Peace.” But it’s all a ruse! Luger goads Jarrett into insulting Meng, who runs out. Jarrett flees, wisely. 

Miss Elizabeth and Luger join Meng. Elizabeth thanks Meng, and then ... maces him. Luger pulls out a crowbar and beats on Meng. None of this makes sense. None of it has to. We are deep within the heart of the Nitromare. 

Backstage nonsense. The Filthy Animals, who Mark accurately describes as “The Go-Bots version of DX,” come out for a good ol’ fashioned object on a pole match. The object here is a key that will free Torrie Wilson from a cage. If Eddie Guerrero wins, he will reunite Torrie with her crew. Perry Saturn implies that if he wins, he will have sex with Torrie, presumably against her will. Whenever someone talks about how great wrestling was in the late 1990s, I will remember this.

Perry Saturn is driving a forklift with the Torrie cage on it. I’m not sure he’s a licensed forklift operator. Also, I’m pretty sure the Target Center is a union shop. Could be a strike in the works here. 

Tony: “It’s been a wild night.” Brain: “It’s getting better every Monday!” Only Tony is truthful. 

Eddie vs. Saturn should be a good match, but of course it’s not. After about two minutes, there’s interference from Shane Douglas, and most of the action in the match revolves around attempts to get the key off the pole. This is the problem with object on a pole matches. 

Sign in the crowd: “CONAN [sic] IS THE TACO BELL DOG.” This is a racist reference that may be lost on younger people reading this today.

Eddie gets the key while Torrie chokes Saturn. The Filthy Animals were, theoretically, a pretty good faction. It’s kind of a fun mixture of personalities, and their all-for-one mentality really helped them stand out. They were let down by the fact that Vince Russo was in charge. 

More backstage shit, and then we’re back in the ring for a Filthy Animals match. I mean, we just had all the Filthy Animals out for the previous match, but here they are again. No way the crowd could possibly become bored by 25 minutes of the same people, right? 

Kidman and Konnan, the tag team champs, are going to be wrestling Sting and Luger. We’ve also seen a lot of Luger tonight. This is WCW, but they’re running the show like one of those super local indies where everyone has to wrestle twice on the same show. 

Some people in the crowd have Juggalo face paint, the second week in a row I’ve noticed this. Did the Misfits ever wrestle the Insane Clown Posse on a WCW show? If not, why not?

This match sucks, but Sting is still insanely popular. The crowd goes berserk at every Stinger splash. The match ends after three or four minutes via DQ, when Rey and Eddie jump Sting. The Filthy Animals were the babyfaces in the previous match, and they’re the heels here. Welcome to Vince Russo’s World of Moral Ambiguity and Veiled Rape References.

Sting is mad because Lex didn’t help against the Filthy Animals. Sting and Luger have quite the rocky friendship. Backstage, Sting knocks over an (empty) barrel of Surge, the none-more-Nineties soft drink. 

We come to the ring, where Booker T is walking out. He’s jumped on the ramp by Jeff Jarrett. This is a fun, Southern-style match, or more like a hyper fast, caffeinated version of a Southern match. Naturally, it gets interrupted by the two besuited goons working on behalf of Russo and Ferrara, and Jarrett wins. Has there been a clean pin once tonight?

A remote piece from the set of “Slam,” which would later be renamed “Ready to Rumble,” the godawful David Arquette wrestling movie. Tenay interviews Goldberg. Goldberg sure doesn’t like the Outsiders and Sid! 

A bunch of backstage garbage. Madusa, another AWA favorite, gets a nice reception from the crowd. She’s going to wrestle Evan Karagias. This is pretty much what people who don’t like intergender wrestling are thinking of when they talk about intergender wrestling. Madusa keeps trying to seduce Karagias rather than wrestle him. Madusa pins him and then makes out with him. Everything is awful.

Benoit and Malenko are wrestling in a cage. This should be a brutal classic by two of the best technical wrestlers of all time. “I can’t wait ‘til this match is over,” Brain says. I feel the same way about this episode, and this entire insane project. 

The match is not a brutal classic. It’s over in 4:29. A few decent spots, but more like a highlight reel than anything. Perry Saturn runs out to try and help Malenko. It doesn’t work. Benoit wins with a diving headbutt off the top of the cage, which is insane. The Revolution gets into the cage and they beat up Benoit. The Filthy Animals have turned into babyfaces again, and they run into the cage to help Benoit. The crowd doesn’t know what to do, so they do nothing. David Flair, the least electrifying man in sports entertainment, shows up with a crowbar to attack the Filthy Animals. Now Sting comes out to attack the Filthy Animals. With any luck, we’ll get Meng out here to attack the Filthy Animals. 

Instead, we cut to the parking garage. David Flair is trying to sneak away, but gets run down by someone driving a car. It’s Kim Page. This show is terrible. 

Backstage: someone has beaten up Nash-Vince. Good. 

Now the main event: Sid vs. Scott Hall. Why am I doing this to myself? How much longer am I going to be able to do this?

The match is bad. It lasts 4:53. For a second I have the horrifying fear that this is the match where Sid broke his leg, but then I look it up and see that it happened during the Sin PPV in January 2001. 

There’s a ref bump. Second of the night. A referee was also attacked by Shane Douglas after the key on a pole match. Bret Hart comes out on his crutches. Hits Sid. Swings and misses with Hall. Hall gets the pin on Sid. Who cares about any of this? What is even happening in this show?

[closetofanxiety]

Nitromare: My God, We’re Really Doing This

Joe has returned to the Land of the Rising Sun, but Mark and I for some reason are committed to watching every Nitro of the Vince Russo Era, when WCW went beyond the point of no return in the battle against the WWF. Tonight we’re on the second week of the first Russo reign: October 25, 1999, from Phoenix, Arizona. Let’s soak up the horror!

We open with Sting, in street clothes, coming out to the ring to demand the presence of JJ Dillon, the kayfabe commissioner. Sting lost to Goldberg last night at Halloween Havoc, but says that match wasn’t for the title, and so Goldberg should not be the champ. Dillon says there’s going to be a tournament to determine the champ, so Sting beats up Dillon. Goldberg runs out to make the save, and in the scrum, Sting’s t-shirt remains impressively tucked into his jeans. Why are they trying to make Sting into a whiny, shitty bad guy? The most natural babyface in the company since Ricky Steamboat. People want to cheer for Sting. 

The first match of the tournament is Norman Smiley vs. Bam Bam Bigelow. It’s over in about five minutes, with Norman winning. I think it was a hardcore match?

Now the Filthy Animals come out to show video footage of them taking Ric Flair out into a desert at night and dumping water on him. I’m not sure why you’d film yourself committing a crime, but the 1990s were a different time. You know who Billy Kidman looks like? The singer for Missing Foundation. It’s uncanny. There’s footage on YouTube of that guy, Peter Missing, setting himself on fire at a show in Boston. 

Rey Misterio says the Filthy Animals are going to “hump” Harlem Heat “like the dogs we are.” OK? Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn are apparently outraged, perhaps on behalf of dogs, and they run out and start beating on the Animals with lead pipes. Shane Douglas and Asya come out and kidnap Torrie Wilson. 

Now we’re backstage with Mike Tenay and Curt Hennig. Is there any American wrestler whose career was more a story of thwarted promise than Mr. Perfect? He was so good at everything, but never really got the breakthrough, either because of injuries or working for the wrong company at the wrong time, or both. 

Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are hanging around backstage. Somewhat grimly considering what we know now, they’re drinking beer from a cooler. 

The next match in the championship tournament is Hennig versus Lash Laroux, a truly forgotten figure from the WCW era. His gimmick was that he was a Cajun. That was pretty much it, mes amis. While the match is going on, Disco Inferno comes out to do commentary with Tony Schiavone and The Brain. For some reason. Hennig gets DQ’d for hitting Laroux with a chair. Disco Inferno comes in to help Laroux, and gets beat up with the chair. The match lasts maybe three minutes. 

We’re back in the ring after a commercial break with Kim Page and Mean Gene talking about the Nitro Girl competition. This was a contest to find a new Nitro Girl that I think Stacy Keibler eventually won. We meet two more finalists, both local, and watch footage of them dancing as Disco Inferno looks on. Was he the judge? His whole gimmick was that he was a bad dancer. 

The Nitro Girls thing is interrupted by DOUBLE J himself, Jeff Jarrett, recently arrived from the WWF. He immediately says the championship tournament is “a big work,” which I’m sure sounded like a good idea if you were on cocaine. Jarrett is still wrestling today; he’s currently a titleholder in AAA. He’s had one of the most remarkable careers of any American wrestler, yet I’ve never really enjoyed him.

Another match in the It’s A Big Work Tournament. Perry Saturn vs. Eddie Guerrero, which in theory should be a great match. So far each match in this tournament has featured one wrestler who is no longer alive. There are empty seats on the hard camera side; Mark notes that the revamped WCW logo reminds him of the final flag of a soon-to-be-vanquished country.

The match is not great. A few decent spots, but then David Flair runs in and hits Eddie Guerrero with a lead pipe, allowing Saturn to get the win via the Rings of Saturn. It last six minutes. 

We’re backstage, and the Revolution have Torrie Wilson imprisoned in a backstage area. “This is a great hiding place; they’ll never find us!” exults Shane Douglas, in front of a camera crew. Chris Benoit arrives and locks most of the Revolution inside a caged area, allowing him to beat on Dean Malenko. Everyone is wearing what would today be classified as Mom Jeans. Wasn’t Benoit part of the Revolution? Eventually he’d jump to the WWF along with Saturn, Malenko, and Guerrero, as the Radicalz. You could tell they were extreme, because they scorned the letter ‘S.’

Hall and Nash walk out, wearing street clothes. “It seems these new bosses we got from up North can’t have a wrestling show without the Outsiders,” Hall says, in a reference to Russo and Ferrara that 99 percent of the audience wouldn’t understand. Nash is wearing a FUBU jersey. His meandering promo is interrupted by Goldberg, who is standing in the crowd, wearing his gear and holding a microphone. As one does. “You’re both next!” Goldberg says. Technically, they can’t BOTH be next, Bill.

Macho Man and Gorgeous George come out. I don’t know why her wrestling name was Gorgeous George, but she wasn’t the worst person to wear the mantle created by George Wagner. There were so many terrible Gorgeous Georges. Even in the twilight of his career, Savage is still a compelling, charismatic performer. “Don’t hunt what ya can’t kill, cuz ya can’t kill The Madness!” he cautions, adding “I ain’t no punk bitch!” He takes some shots at Hogan and Flair. Gorgeous George is chewing gum and looking a bit lost. “I got too much money in the bank to get punked out by punks like you!” Savage yells, although it’s still unclear to whom he’s referring. Then he says he and Gorgeous George are leaving. OK. 

The Filthy Animals are searching for Torrie backstage. How did they find Shane Douglas’ great hiding place?? But the Revolution have moved off to another backstage space to complain about how Chris Benoit beat Malenko’s ass. 

Next WCW title tournament match: Madusa vs. Meng. Oh God. Madusa looks legitimately unwell. Everyone who knows Meng is terrified of Meng. He’s like nuclear war. This is not a pioneering intergender matchup: none of Madusa’s offense is effective, while Meng just stands around and growls like an animal. Madusa wrestled Bull Nakano a lot, so this probably wasn’t the scariest opponent she’d faced. Meng wins in about four minutes with the Tongan Death Grip. Remember when it was a big deal that Madusa jumped to WCW with the WWF women’s belt? Boy, they sure made the most of that, didn’t they?

Evan Karagias comes out to help Madusa. “Isn’t he gallant,” Brain sneers, and for some reason he pronounces it “guh-launt” and it makes me laugh out loud. That’s how I’m pronouncing it from now on. 

Nothing stands still. Malenko comes out and challenges Benoit and then leaves. Russo’s WCW feels like experimental theater, right down to the destruction of the fourth wall and acknowledgement of artifice. 

Mark describes Hall and Nash as “two retirees going around, causing trouble,” and this is a perfect description of what they’re doing at this point. I’m omitting about half the backstage segments, because they all last about 45 seconds and seem meaningless. 

Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth come out, everything we know about what would happen later making it very hard to enjoy any of this. I think this is a match in the title tournament? The WCW commentary team does not do nearly as much recapping as today’s WWE announcers, and it’s kind of baffling.

It’s Luger vs. Rick Steiner, and a shirtless Jeff Jarrett comes out to join in on commentary. “We saw your shtick in the WWF, we know you’d hit a woman,” Schiavone says. “This is not the WWF, this is the WCW, and I am the Chosen One!” Jarrett replies. Jarrett is upset that he is being blamed for hitting Liz last week. Jarrett tries to hit Luger with a guitar and gets Steiner instead. Jarrett runs off and Steiner follows him. The crowd seems bored and angry. Luger wins via count. The match was maybe three minutes long. 

Kidman and Konnan are backstage. Konnan calls the Revolution “mark busters.” I can’t look at Kidman without seeing Peter Missing. Have you ever heard Missing Foundation? It’s really challenging stuff. What a group they were.

Another title tournament match, this time between Kidman and Konnan, fellow Filthy Animals. There’s a ref bump 45 seconds into the match. Harlem Heat comes out and beat up Konnan and Kidman. Who’s getting humped now, gentlemen, hmmmm? Now Rey and Eddie come out to fight Harlem Heat. In the ring, Kidman gets the pin on an out-cold Konnan. The match lasted two minutes at most. The secret of Vince Russo is that Vince Russo is not a wrestling fan. 

Buff Bagwell’s in the ring and vowing to break all the rules. “I’m going to take every little thing that’s ever been sacred in this business and I’m gonna relieve myself all over it.” Then he says, “I’m not doin’ a J-O-B, a job, for nobody ever again!” He calls out “the two idiots in the back writing this crap,” which, Jesus. Two giant bald guys in suits com out who say “We represent the two idiots in the back writing this crap,” and then proceed to beat the stuffing out of Buffing. 

We’re back from commercial, and Chris Benoit is going to wrestle Dean Malenko in a Mom Jeans Beatdown. No, it’s a last man standing match, but they’re both wearing mom jeans, without belts. That really bothers me for some reason. This is a really good match, the only good one of the night so far. Not entirely surprising. There’s no way to reflect on Chris Benoit without the shadow of his hideous crimes hanging over everything, but for whatever it’s worth, he was one of the best wrestlers of his generation. He had a graceful ferocity and total commitment to what he did that very few wrestlers have ever matched. Benoit wins.

The Filthy Animals run out to beat on Malenko, then Shane Douglas and Asya come out with Torrie Wilson. Torrie Wilson is notably taller than her captor, Asya. They should’ve got Nicole Bass to be their Chyna-alike. Douglas kind of sucked, didn’t he?

Jimmy Hart comes out with Hugh Morrus and Knobs from the Nasty Boys. Was there a new Nasty Boys with Morrus in place of Sags? Or was Knobs moonlighting? I’ll tell you what: the Nasty Boys put together a surprising number of extremely fun matches. This is not one of them: Sting comes out with a baseball bat, beats down Knobs, and gets the pin. I guess this was a no DQ match?

One thing to remember in the Nitromare: nothing has to make sense.

We’re backstage with Tenay and Bret Hart, who has what I think is a storyline ankle injury. Bret interviews like an earnest hockey player, which was part of his appeal. He didn’t have to scream or act like a lunatic to sell you on a match.

Now there’s a tag match between Konnan and Kidman and the defending champs, Harlem Heat. Konnan is also wearing FUBU; were they a sponsor? 

I’m flummoxed that they’d allow so many empty seats facing the hard camera. Why not send people in higher sections down to take those seats? This is AWA-at-the-end level inattention to detail.

Meanwhile, in the match, Harlem Heat are beating the shit out of the Filthy Animals in a mostly uninteresting fashion. It’s a slog. There’s an inexplicable screw job finish that has Schiavone asking “Who won?,” which is always a good sign. The answer: the Filthy Animals won because ... Kidman bridged out of a pin? 

Nitromare: Nothing Has to Make Sense

DDP and Kimberly come out. My God, Kimberly was attractive. And Page was insanely over with WCW fans; it’s galling how badly he was mishandled by the WWF. Did you know Page sued Jay Z over the Diamond Cutter hand gesture? They settled out of court, so we still don’t have settled legal precedent on whether you can trademark a hand gesture.

David Flair comes out. DDP is mad at Flair because Flair’s dad slept with Kimberly. Flair pulls out a crowbar and cheap-shots DDP, then starts whaling on him. David Flair looks like the character in a movie about rural 19th century America who’s described as “a bit touched.” Like a character who accidentally kills or injures a major character and then commits suicide in helpless despair. It’s not ... a great look for a pro wrestler.

DDP gets kayfabe stretchered out. Well, I believe he’s the winner by disqualification, so there is that. 

Back from commercial. Hall and Nash, in street clothes, are in the ring. Their opponents appear to be local strippers. They’re not given an introduction, so we don’t know for sure. One of them motorboats Scott Hall. The crowd enjoys it, because wrestling fans in the 1990s were not very sophisticated. The other stripper is tagged in. “This is what it’s all about,” Tony says. Nash comes in. “The hot tag! The big save,” Tony says. One of the rare moments when I feel like Lou Thesz. A third stripper with balloon-sized fake breasts comes into the ring. The Outsiders lay down and get pinned. Who says Kevin Nash wouldn’t do jobs in WCW? 

Goldberg mercifully runs into the ring and spears them both. The crowd likes it, but is also horny and mad that the woman with the huge fake breasts didn’t take her shirt off. The replay is brought to us by the Air Force, which at the time was using the slogan “Aim High.” Not a lot of that in Nitromare, I’m afraid.

I think it’s main event time. God, I hope it is. I’m so weary. Bret Hart hobbles out to the ring. He’s wrestling Goldberg, who has one of the all-time great entrances in pro wrestling history. 

Tony says Bret’s shin is hurt, when earlier we were told it was his ankle. Later, Tony says it’s Bret’s ankle. Razor sharp. 

Goldberg was not a great wrestler, and with Bret selling a broken ankle, it was hard to carry the big dude to a credible match. The story here is Bret’s insane pride and resilience, and it’s going well initially: the crowd rallying behind him as he tries to fight back against the onslaught from Goldberg. Goldberg does a good job of looking conflicted about wrestling a guy who’s less than 100 percent, which adds to the story. Goldberg finally starts working on the injured leg and then breaks the hold, hoping the ref will stop the match. Hey, this is actually not bad! 

Bret fights out of a corner and applies the sleeper, which leads to, merciful God in heaven above, a ref bump. The Outsiders and Sid Vicious run out to take out Goldberg. Nash hits the most spectacular move in his arsenal, the sidewalk slam. Goldberg is out and Bret covers him for the win. This sucked.

Grade: D

Signs in the Crowd: WCW = Where Chumps Wrestle; Everyone Hates Rey, Man (so Nineties); Ryan Gill is Gay (also very Nineties, in a bad way); IM SINGLE; Goldberg Kicks Ass; Big Sexy in the House NWO 4 Life; Hall = Ratings; Filthy Animals = Circle Jerk; Can’t Stand Me No Fruit Booties; Buff is the Stuff; WWW. Rantsylvania . Com (still active! It’s Scott Keith’s blog); WCW Monday Maestro (was there really a person who liked the Maestro enough to make a sign?); Joe B is a Candy Ass; I Pimp Pimps; Russo Where’s the Gambler? 

[closetofanxiety]

Nitromare: Three men make a terrible decision

I haven’t been posting here much because Hakujinjoe is visiting from Japan and we’re roaming around New England. For some reason, we decided to watch every episode of Monday Nitro during the Vince Russo-Ed Ferrara Era, starting with the very first one on October 18, 1999. Mark has joined us on this terrible journey, as he is not afraid to endure the worst 1990s TV wrestling had to offer. Let’s dive in, shall we?

The episode, airing from Philadelphia, starts with a limo arriving, a Vince Russo favorite. A bunch of suits get out, followed by Sid Vicious. They walk toward the arena with expressions of grim purpose.

Inside, we get a good cruiserweight match between Juventud Guerrera and Evan Karagias that is interrupted by Bret Hart, who comes out to complain that “politics in the back” have kept him from wrestling Hulk Hogan. This promo is interrupted by Sting, who comes out and offers Bret a world title shot, but not before saying, “I got your legacy right here” and doing a crotch chop. 

There’s a two-minute match between Disco Inferno and Vampire that ends with Disco getting a clean pin, then getting attacked by Lash Laroux. Heenan and Schiavone are on commentary and this is still definitively a wrestling show, but cracks are starting to show.

In the ring, there’s some kind of Nitro Girls competition happening, in which a new Nitro Girl will be chosen. The contestants are Chiquita and Stacy Keibler, and we see b-roll of them dancing suggestively. I think both ended up as Nitro Girls, but this segment is interrupted by Buff Bagwell, who comes out in a pair of overalls painted like a Kriss Kross video in 1990. He cuts a promo in which he repeats “Buff is the stuff” half a dozen times, dances awkwardly, and leaves. 

The Vince Russo Era has truly begun.

Some crowd signs: “No One Gives a Damn What the Rock Says”; “WWF = Wrestling White Trash Federation”; “Rey Misterio Bronco Buster ME”; “Rap is Crap!”; “Nash is God”; “Sid Fears the Spear”; “Sid Sucks”; “Velcro Despencers” [sic]; “Sid Your Next” [sic]; “Goldberg Philly is Next”; “Sting Rules”; “The Outsiders Are the Real Deal”; “Drunk 24:7″; “I See Dead People”; “Stone Cold Smokes the Pole”; “Hogan = Homo”; “Jebroni” [sic]; “Austin Sleeps With Sheep”; “Goldberg the Last True Hero”

Tag team championship match: Konnan and an unmasked Rey Misterio Jr. vs champs Harlem Heat. There’s decent wrestling, with Rey in particular hitting a beeyootiful  springboard moonsault, but Vince and Ed cannot abide a mere wrestling match, so Eddie Guerrero, Billy Kidman, and Torrie Wilson come out to talk on commentary for some reason. No one is calling the match, but it’s good. Rey looks like a child without his mask. Actually, with the dyed blonde hair, he looks exactly like his son, Dominic, whose custody he would later battle for in a ladder match. Stevie Ray hits the slowest, sloppiest power slam I have ever seen in a professional wrestling match. Eddie and Kidman interfere, then Rey and Konnan cheat to win the titles. NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPS. This is fine. The Filthy Animals were supposed to be cheating heels.

Kimberly Page is looking for someone backstage and is talking flirtatiously to David Flair, a man who does not want to be on television. It’s incredible how poorly suited he was for this. “David Flair looks like some guy they pulled out of the audience, like he’s shocked to be there,” Joe notes. “Like some college guy who just got out of a party.” Not since Mike Von Erich has a member of a wrestling family been so visibly unsuited for wrestling.

HELL YES. IT’S MENG TIME. Meng is wrestling Bill DeMott, who is still in his Hugh Morrus persona, but now he’s SERIOUS and Jimmy Hart is his manager. Morrus headbutts Meng, which is a bad choice. As the match proceeds, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash walk down the arena steps, so the entire crowd stops paying attention to what’s happening the ring. This is a hallmark of Vince Russo’s philosophy: just constantly have things interrupted by other things. Meng wins with the Tongan Death Grip, but the crowd doesn’t care. Hall and Nash are sitting ringside with two women Heenan describes as “beautiful dolls.”

Sid comes out to the ring and then calls his “attorneys” to join him. The crowd boos the attorneys. The crowd chants “Goldberg” while Sid uncorks a Vintage. Halting. Promo. With. Lots. Of. Jumbled. Shouting. “I. Am. A. Man. Of. My. Word. I. Am. A. Man. Of. Integrity” Sid says, a sentiment that many 21st century indie promoters will have reason to dispute. Goldberg runs out and absolutely flattens one of the actors playing a lawyer. Just fucking kills the guy. Sid lays Goldberg out with a kick and then power bombs him. The crowd is livid. This is a good setup for Halloween Havoc, because people are booing the heel and want to see him get his ass kicked. This is good wrestling booking. I can give credit where it’s due.

At ringside, Hall and Nash are laughing at Goldberg, who mushes them both. There’s a pull apart. Someone in the crowd throws a roll of toilet paper, because hey, Philadelphia. The Outsiders are led from the arena by security. A fresh-faced kid of perhaps 13 runs down to try and get Hall and Nash to Too Sweet him; a 1999 Internet fan. We watch a long tracking shot of Hall and Nash being led through the Spectrum, or whatever the Philly arena was called at this point. It’s almost artistic it’s so tedious. JJ Dillon appears for a split second, looking like a man who is rethinking the last 18 months of his decisions.

Backstage, Mike Tenay interviews Bret Hart, who cuts a good, standard wrestling promo, although he keeps calling the company “the WCW.” The interview is interrupted by Sting jumping Hart in the locker room, which is badly out of character. 

Now Berlyn comes out with his bodyguard, The Wall. Get it? Beryln and the Wall? God, was anyone in WCW more ill-served by the writers than Alex Wright? He was a good wrestler with a good look, who was given absolutely nothing to work with. Come to think of it, that also describes Brad Armstrong. Tonight, Berlyn will be wrestling the Dogface Gremlin himself, Rick Steiner, who looks as excited to be here as someone attending family court. It’s weirdly compelling how little Rick Steiner cares about this match. Why should he care? This match is going to be interrupted, and it is, by Brad Armstrong! Speak of the devil. Jesus, poor Brad Armstrong. He hates Berlyn, but his interference accidentally costs Steiner the match, and Steiner beats up Armstrong with a lazy, unhurried disinterest. 

We’re back in the bowels of the Spectrum, where Hall and Nash have sneaked back in. They wander around looking for Goldberg. They’re good at sneaking, what with this camera crew following them.

Now we’re at a hotel, and Kimberly page comes inside and then disrobes to a one-piece lingerie set. Instead of DDP, though, Ric Flair jumps out of the bathroom and tells Kimberly, “Tonight you gonna get the 14-time spanking your daddy shoulda given you a long time ago.” 

Now we’re backstage, and Goldberg, prowling the Spectrum, lays out Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope from Insane Clown Posse, which, as Joe notes, gets the biggest pop of the night. 

Now we’re at a different part of the backstage area, and Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth are being interviewed, the knowledge we have now making this hard to watch. Lex cuts a halting, awkward promo about how he is, indeed, the total package. 

David Flair comes out in his father’s robe, to his father’s music, with all the pomp and circumstance of an unemployed guy walking outside to get the mail. He’ll be wrestling Billy Kidman, who comes out with Torrie Wilson. Four years after this, they would be married. The crowd hates David Flair’s awkward offense so much. Flair sucks so bad at this. Flair does sell the Shooting Star Press convincingly, probably because he was legitimately terrified and hurt by it. Kidman wins, and the Filthy animals come out to beat on Flair. Wikipedia tells me David Flair never wanted to be a wrestler, which sounds about right. 

Now we’re backstage for the Hall and Nash Snoop Hour. They run into Gene Okerlund, who looks bored and disgusted. 

Now we’re backstage, but in a different part, and Ric Flair is here, presumably having had sex with Kimberly Page despite her original desire to have sex with her husband. When I was growing up I had an issue of Playboy with Kimberly Page in it, which was a revelation for a WWF fan like myself. 

Now we’ve got an evening gown match featuring Mona - better known as Molly Holly - and Madusa, who is disgusted by the stipulation AND THAT’S PROBABLY A SHOOT BROTHER. This starts off fast, with some actual wrestling and some crisp suplexes from both women. “The last time I saw two women in dresses fighting like that was at Bloomingdale’s at the end of the month sale,” Brain says, beaming in from 1964. Madusa takes out the ref with a missed kick and then hits a beautiful suplex on Mona. Mona sneaks up from behind and pulls Madusa’s dress off. The crowd boos. None of us wanted this. Madusa gets the mic to cut a promo, saying everyone can kiss her ass. 

Backstage. Sting is pacing back and forth. Bret is heading out to the ring. Hart, maybe the best pure wrestler of his generation, was so badly misused by WCW. It’s really a phenomenal story. How could you screw something like this up? But they did. Oh, boy, did they. 

People love Sting, and at this point they still love Bret, so this match is a dumb idea. In retrospect it seems insane that they had this match, with no buildup, on an episode of free TV, but that was kind of common in this era, in both companies. The match begins as a leisurely paced brawl until Bret gets the upper hand by getting the knees up to stuff the Vader Bomb, or whatever it was called when Sting did it. Bret takes over for a while, then Sting reverses an Irish whip and gets a Stinger Splash to get the upper hand. Nick Patrick is the referee, and is not wearing a belt. Is that common? It looks weird. How are you holding up your sensible black trousers, Nick Patrick? The crowd is firmly behind Sting, who hits the elbow drop and does that thing where he cups his hands over his mouth and yells. I would describe this match as Perfectly Fine. It’s a rung or three below what these guys are capable of, but it’s not bad. Bret hits an absolutely filthy piledriver, but Sting kicks out. Hart teases the Sharpshooter but doesn’t give the crowd what they want. After some futzing around, he finally locks it in, but Sting grabs the rope. Sting is selling the effect of the Sharpshooter very well, trying to get Hart up for a bodyslam but having his leg give out under him. Oh boy, an interruption: Miss Elizabeth comes out to the ring for some reason, followed shortly by a bat-wielding Lex Luger. Hart is forced to fight Luger and Hart. Luger hits Hart in the shin with a bat, enabling Sting to lock in the Scorpion Deathlock, to which Hart immediately taps out. That finish was not Perfectly Fine. 

Wait, that wasn’t the main event? We’re backstage. Ric is yelling at David Flair, who repeatedly mumbles “Billy Kidman beat me up.” It’s hard to believe these two men are related.

Backstage in a different part of the Spectrum. Hall and Nash are putting on lucha masks for some reason. They are still looking for Goldberg. 

We’re back to the ring, for La Parka. Have you heard that he’s having a career year in 2018? Well, in 1999, he was having the kind of year where he had to follow a 15-minute Bret Hart-Sting match by wrestling Buff Bagwell. The crowd is predictably dead. What would these men say if you told them that in less than 20 years, one would be a gigolo and the other would be having a career year in pro wrestling? They would probably correctly guess which one would be the gigolo. La Parka beats a visibly disinterested Buff with a roll-up. Then Buff gets on the headset and says, “Hey, Russo, did I do a good job for you? Who else is going to beat me? Why don’t you come out and beat me?” Then Jeff Jarrett, in a surprise arrival from WWF, runs out and kabongs Buff with a guitar shot. The crowd reacts at least. This was kind of a famous jump from WWF to WCW, after Jarrett held Vince up for a huge sum of money to drop the belt to Chyna after his contract expired. Jarrett grabs his dick, says, “You wanna talk about stroke, bitch?” and then walks to the back. This is painfully Russovian. 

After another painful Hall-Nash segment backstage, we’ve got Eddie Guerrero vs. Chavo Jr. vs. Perry Saturn in a three-way elimination match. Shane Douglas joins the commentary team and says he is “the guy that built Philadelphia and kept wrestling alive in this godforsaken city.” The crowd is oddly silent for a match featuring Perry Saturn. Saturn throws a beautiful array of suplays while the Guerreros bicker. Eddie suplexes Chavo outside the damn ring, a crazy bump. This is a good match. The crowd is totally bored, or maybe exhausted. On the hard camera side, two guys dressed like Hulk Hogan who been doing wacky dances all night sit down immediately when a leathery Philadelphia Guido comes over and visibly motherfucks them, jabbing his finger and yelling. Good for you, Guy Who Makes Me Think of Frank Rizzo, those guys were awful. We need an interruption, so the Filthy Animals come down for some reason. They beat up Saturn while Douglas, who has an arm in a cast, rages. “It’s a damn conspiracy here!” he yells. Eddie hits the frog splash on Saturn for the pin, and then Chavo Jr. hits a tornado DDT on his uncle to win. The crowd is confused and angry. The Filthy Animals storm the ring and beat up Chavo. No one cares. 

God, is there more to this episode? We are exhausted. It feels like we started watching this five hours ago. 

Oh God, Horace Hogan in a hardcore match? A WCW hardcore match in Philadelphia when ECW was still a living proposition. It’s going to be Horace vs. Norman Smiley. One of the Hogan impersonators is dancing again. Where is Frank Rizzo Guy when we need him? This match is boring and bad. Horace sets up a table and goes through it. Norman wins. No one cares.

WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END? Flair comes down to the ring. Ric, not David. Who cares where David is. Flair makes a somewhat tortuous analogy between himself and Bobby Clarke, the great thuggish Philadelphia Flyer from the 1970s. He talks about having sex with Kimberly Page earlier in the night. He compares his son, David, to Eric Lindros. A lot of hockey talk tonight. Flair says he drank the Guerrero Brothers under the table in every bar from Mexico to Philadelphia, a plausible claim. The Filthy Animals come out and beat on Flair, which the crowd hates. David runs out to help his dad, and also gets beat on. Rey Misterio hits the bronco buster on Ric Flair. Konnan rips off Flair’s shirt and takes his wallet. The Filthy Animals take Flair’s jewelry. “Well, it’s Philadelphia,” Heenan notes. 

Lex Luger stumbles on Miss Elizabeth, laid out in the women’s locker room, a broken guitar laying near her head. ELIAS? WAS THAT YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH??

Goldberg comes to the ring, accompanied by security guards, while the crowd chants for him. One of the all-time greatest entrances in wrestling history. Somehow, this - Goldberg vs. Lex - is the main event, rather than Sting vs. Bret Hart. Goldberg runs outside the ring to start the match on the entrance ramp. Big “Goldberg” chants. This match is already way too long for a Goldberg match. Waaaaay too long. The Outsiders wander out from the back. “The fight goes on and on,” Tony says, summing up this whole ordeal. Now Sting runs out of the back for some reason and hits Goldberg with a baseball bat. The crowd boos. Now Bret Hart runs out of the back and starts beating up Sting. This is such a disaster. The crowd is pelting the ring with cups of soda. Goldberg spears Lex Luger and wins. 

Grade: Pot Roast That Has Been Left In The Sun For Days.