#i’d literally be planning a response rn if it wasn’t for the fact that i’m still at my shift

[ilyuu-archive]

rei my lovely spouse the light of my life /p has anyone told you that you have a way with words? because YOU HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS

[imagines-r-s]

a little reminder

requested: yes by @lokiqueenofasgard​

taglist: @drewsephsmiles​

[Can someone write me a JJ x read where he’s just gassing up everything she does and he’s like “yo, you need a hype man? Cause I’ll be your hype man.” And it’s just really fluffy and cute? Cause I need that rn.]

i hope you like it, i kinda switched it up just a little

a/n: in case no one has told you today, you are beautiful and you are loved. hope you all enjoy

warnings: talk of insecurity, i think that’s it?

There were moments in the day where you felt absolutely gorgeous and on top of the world not in a cocky sort of way-but just in general. Then, there were other days where you felt at the bottom of it all, the negative thoughts running through your head bringing you down. Sometimes it was after someone made a comment about you and other times it came without warning. 

You had a bad habit of comparing yourself to your friends. Kiara and Sarah, who both were as beautiful as they came, perfect hair, perfect skin, and perfect body. You were sure they had their own insecurities, as everyone did, but they never made it seem like it. 

As you were getting ready for the plans you had with the pogues, you couldn’t help but look at yourself in the mirror, focusing on the way the bikini looked on your body. Noticing all the small imperfections, more seemed to pop up the more you looked at yourself. Everything was so noticeable and it hurt to look at yourself, but you couldn’t peel your eyes away from the mirror. 

Being too focused on the mirror, you hadn’t even realized that JJ Maybank, your best friend, had come through your front door and was on his way towards your room. You and JJ had known each other all your lives, having lived right next to each other your whole life, it was normal for him to just waltz into your house, especially considering how Luke was. 

“Look at you, babes, looking as beautiful as ever,” JJ’s voice echoed through your room breaking you from your thoughts, “I feel like you only ever wear that bikini because it’s my favorite color.”

You tried to ignore the blush that spread across your face at his statement, “yes, of course. I make all of my decisions based on what you’ll think.” You said, your arms unintentionally wrapping around your torso to hide whatever you could. “Why do you always do that?” 

“Do what?”

“Like, wrap your arms around your body and like-like try to hide it, I don’t know.”

“Oh, uh,” you stared down at the ground, letting out an uneasy laugh, “I don’t know, just habit, I guess.” JJ stayed silent for a while as you went to your dresser and pulled out your denim shorts and oversized shirt to put on over your bikini. 

“Are we going to start walking to the chateau or are you going to sit there all day, Maybank?” you looked at him waiting for his answer. “Oh shit, sorry I was thinking.”

“What about?”

“Do you think you’re beautiful? Like genuinely, if someone asked your opinion on yourself, would you force out what response they want to hear, or are you going to be honest?”

“I mean, in all honesty, I think I am, but only every once in a while. And, I’d probably bullshit an answer, you know.”

“Why don’t you think you’re beautiful? You’re literally so beautiful, you do realize that right?” JJ furrowed his brow, waiting for your answer. “I mean I guess so, but have you seen other girls? Literally, I-”

“Yes, I’ve seen those other girls, but have you looked in a mirror?” JJ’s heart broke when he heard you comparing yourself to other girls and denying what he was saying, “Here’s what I’ll do, you need a hype man, and I’m here. I’m going to tell you your beautiful as many times as you need me to until you believe it.” 

Before you could respond, you were already close to the chateau, “well, look who finally decided to show up,” John B said from the patio. “Someone just took forever to get ready, that’s all,” JJ replied without missing a beat, causing you to hit him upside the head. 

Eventually, everyone made it onto the boat and you were on your way. Once the boat had settled, everyone started getting ready to jump off the boat, except for you. It didn’t take long for JJ to notice that you were staying behind, so he simply sat next to you. “Aren’t you going to go in?” you asked the boy beside you. “I’m not going if you aren’t, beautiful.” You simply rolled your eyes in response to your best friend, “you know, you look amazing in that swimsuit, and I really would like to see it again at some point today, y/n/n.” 

You silently debated, you assumed he was just saying that, but you decided why not and got ready to jump into the water, spending the rest of the night with your friends. As the night went on, the sky grew darker, allowing the stars to be seen. Sarah started pointing out the constellations as all of you watched in awe, but while you were looking at the stars you felt a pair of eyes on you. “J, it’s rude to stare, you know.”

“Sorry, you just look stunning.”

“JJ, stop. Omg.”

“Awe, are you flustered, babes?” You simply flicked his forehead causing him to groan. You started to feel your eyes grow tired, tired from the thoughts running through your head, and everything else you did today. JJ took notice of your tiredness, telling you that if you wanted you could lay on his lap. It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep, the noise of your friends’ conversation slowly dimming. 

JJ focused on your face for a moment, confused simply by the fact that you didn’t see yourself in the way that he did. He thought that you were absolutely stunning. You reminded him of sunflowers, the bright color of yellow matching that of your personality, and the beauty of the flower matching that of everything else about you. He knew it was cheesy, he knew if he ever told anyone that they would call him out on how whipped he was for you, but he didn’t care when it came to you. 

“How long have they been together?” Sarah asked John B, curious as she saw how JJ looked at you and protected you throughout the day. “Oh, they’re not together,” John B responded when he saw where she was pointing to. “Wait, seriously,” Sarah was in awe when John B simply nodded, either you two were just extremely oblivious or you were just plain dumb.

When the boat came to a stop at the dock of the chateau, JJ tried to wake you up as gently as he could, leading you towards the dock. “Here, pretty girl. Jump up,” JJ said, pointing towards his back, ready to give her a piggyback ride on the way back to the chateau. Once he got into the chateau, he set you down in the spare bedroom, telling you to come and get him when you had changed. 

Once you had gotten changed into one of JJ’s shirts, you went out to the living room to get him to come back to the room the two of you had shared way too many times. “Goodnight, beautiful,” he said, kissing your forehead, before walking to the other side of the bed to lay down. Maybe JJ’s plan wasn’t that bad.

Throughout the next few days, JJ kept reminding you how beautiful you were, no matter the occasion or how bad you thought you looked at that moment. The bad thoughts in your head didn’t necessarily go away, but you were starting to feel better with yourself and how you looked. 

When you were told that there was a boneyard party this Friday, Sarah made the executive decision that she would go out to the Mainland to go shopping on Thursday, have a sleepover, and then, get ready at her house Friday. You were excited, saying as you hadn’t gone shopping in forever. 

When you got the text that Sarah and Kie were outside to pick you up, you quickly grabbed your bad, yelling goodbye to your mom, and running out the door. “Get in loser we’re going shopping.” 

The three of you got your ferry ticket to head to the Mainland and you were on your way. Sarah and Kie took the time to look through clothing items that would have made you feel awful for wearing. The colorful crop tops would show a lot of stomach, the shorts would show your thighs and stretch marks, the shirts made your arms look weird. “y/n, you have to try this on, it would look amazing on you,” Sarah said as she held a denim dress that buttoned up in the middle, that would look amazing with a simple black shirt under it. 

“Sarah, I don’t know, it’s cute, but just not my style,” you smiled sadly. “But it would look amazing on you, y/n. Plus, I know JJ wouldn’t be able to keep his eyes off of you,” Kie added. You simply shot her a look, “I’ll try it on, but if I don’t like it, I’m buying more oversized shirts and jeans.”

Hesitantly, you asked one of the employees to open a fitting room for you. When you got into the dressing room, you hesitantly stripped out of your jeans and shirt, grabbing the black crop for under the dress, then putting on the denim dress. Looking in the mirror, the dress didn’t look right, it didn’t look bad and you knew it, but everything in your head was telling you that it didn’t look good in any way. 

“y/n, you good in there? Whenever you’re dressed we want to see,” you heard Sarah say from outside of the dressing room. You didn’t want to step out, but you knew they would be disappointed if they didn’t see it. “Oh my god. y/n, you have to buy that. And if you won’t I will for you, you look hot as hell,” Kie said, making you smile. 

Sarah and Kie both convinced you to buy the dress and shirt, saying something about wearing it to the boneyard, it was still a casual outfit, so they had a point. As you bought it, your mind immediately went to the one person who’s opinion you wanted to hear. 

When the three of you got back to Sarah’s, you all decided to start watching Criminal Minds, again. “So, y/n, what is up with you and JJ?” 

“Like the JJ on the show or Maybank?”

“Maybank.”

“Oh, uh, nothing. I don’t know what you mean, to be honest, we’re just friends.” 

“It sure seems like more than that,” Sarah added. 

“Oh no, if something happened I wouldn’t complain, but I also don’t want to mess with the dynamic that me and him have had for so long, you know?”

“Ooh, she admits it,” Kie says, giving Sarah a high five. “He’s literally in love with you, I don’t understand you two,” to which you simply denied what they said, going back to watching Criminal Minds. By the time all of you went to bed, your mind was racing. Was he actually in love with you? Why hadn’t he said anything? 

Friday night came around a lot quicker than you figured it would, anxiously tapping your foot in the back of Sarah’s car, you just watched all the trees pass by until you were parking to head to the party. All of you walked towards the bonfire where the boys usually hung out, in an attempt to find them. 

When you made it to the bonfire, you noticed how John B and Pope were there moving to open a space for Kie and Sarah, while you stood waiting for JJ. “Last time we saw him, he was getting drinks, so you might check over there and I’m sure you’ll find him,” Pope said, to which you politely thanked him. 

Making your way towards the keg, you caught the attention of people you didn’t want to talk to. “Who knew a pogue could actually clean up well,” a random kook, that you recognized as Quinn said. “Woah, who knew a kook could wear something other than a basic ass polo and random striped shorts?” you retorted. 

“I would watch your mouth, pogue,” Quinn said. 

“Oh, and what are you going to do about it?” The familiar voice of the boy you were looking for said, causing you to smile. “Hey, J, he’s not worth our time. Let’s go for a walk,” you pulled on his wrist to which he simply hesitated for a moment before following you. 

The two of you ended up walking near the beach, “are you ok? I heard what he said to you?” JJ asked concerned that Quinn might have hurt you. “Yeah, it’s funny what happens when you actually start believing people when they say you’re beautiful,” you said, causing him to stop walking and smirk at you. 

“Man, who could have possibly told you that?”

“Hmm, I don’t recall actually, but it just stuck with me,” the both of you laughed. 

“I just wanted to say you look absolutely gorgeous tonight and I’m glad what I’m doing is helping, but I plan on reminding you until we’re like 80 or something.”

“J,” he simply hummed in response,” did Kie mean it when she said you were in love with me?” JJ simply stood there, clearly debating what to do, he was starting to get flustered. “Is it a problem if it’s true? I’m not trying to mess anything up with you.”

A rush of confidence ran through you as you wrapped your arms around his neck,” well, it’s not a problem since I am too.” JJ smiled before his lips met yours softly, he pulled away only for you to kiss him again, “I love you so so much, pretty girl. I’ll be reminding you of that too, baby.”

“I’m sure you will, J. I’m sure you will.”

[getsojaded]

chemistry || calum hood

word count: 3.8k+

warnings: mentions of weed, swear words, mention of injury, food & the slightest bit of sex talk

a/n: hey twt moots ;)) anyways, this is inspired by this post! i hope u all enjoy <3

-

It was about 11 pm, and I had just finished taking an unnecessarily large amount of notes for chemistry class. With a sore, shaky hand and a vision that was starting to go blurry, I had finally finished ten pages. Who knew that there was so much information about 5 organic compounds?

I yawned in my seat, stretching my arms out and removing my glasses. I was more than thankful that I can call it a night, and walked towards my bathroom to get ready for bed, which took a good 30 minutes. It usually doesn’t take me that long, but fuck, I was exhausted this whole day. After all my skincare was completed, I walked back to my bedroom and hopped into my bed, prepared for a well deserved rest. After slouching for a good three and a half hours, comforter and pillows had never felt so good against my body. 

Just as I was about to fall asleep, I heard a loud ding! from my phone and I opened my heavy eyes, which immediately annoyed me. I ignored the first one and tried to go back to sleep, but one ding turned into six and I couldn’t take it anymore. I angrily ripped the covers off my body, sitting up right after reaching for my phone on the nightstand beside my bed.

6 New Text Messages from: calum hood

hey wyd rn

can you do me a favour

i need your help

im at this party right now and i’m about to get high as fuck but i forgot about our homework for tomorrow and i was wondering if you could do them for me

you don’t even need to make them look pretty like how you do it just take down the important shit

please

“What the fuck?” I whsipered to myself as I looked at my phone. “Who does this bitch think he is?”

to: calum hood

are you fucking serious right now

from: calum hood

please i’m really sorry LOL i completely forgot about it

i know your smarty pants finished it the second you got home please

i’ll literally buy you starbucks tomorrow morning

As much as I hated to admit it, his last text message kind of convinced me. I was a sucker for coffee, and could really stop spending money on it every morning. But was I really about to lose some more sleep just to do the party boy’s notes? I barely know this kid anyways. How’d this guy even get into college? 

to: calum hood

is it gonna be a venti

from: calum hood:

if that’s what you want, sure

I knew I was going to regret this decision, but I threw on my glasses and put my hair up once again, walking towards my desk. “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I sighed out, opening my laptop and gathering my supplies together. I unlocked my phone, seeing that the time was 12 am. Am I doing this for coffee or am I doing this because he’s attractive and I couldn’t really say no to him? I groaned and leaned my head on my desk, texting him back.

to: calum hood

i hate you so much

get me a venti iced white mocha no whip and an extra espresso shot

actually no make that two extra espresso shots cause bc of your dumbass im staying up 

from: calum hood

i gotchu angel

thank you so much, see you tomorrow :)

“Fuck off with the petname and the smiley face,” I angrily cursed at my phone, picking up my pencil and beginning to write another ten pages of notes. 

“I hate this bitch,” I said, throwing my pencil onto my desk and slamming my laptop shut. The time was now 3:45 am and tired was an understatement for me. I crawled into bed, falling asleep almost immediatly, hoping that these 5 hours of sleep will give me enough energy to get through class tomorrow.

-

“You have got to be fucking joking me,” I mumbled, reaching over for my phone to turn off the alarm. I was definitely not a morning person, and the fact that I didn’t get at least 7 hours of sleep meant that I was not going to be in a good mood today.

I slowly crawled out of bed and began trudging towards my bathroom, seeing I had gotten a text meesage from the man himself. I rolled my eyes seeing his name pop up, opening the conversation between him and I.

from: calum hood

goodmorning!

to: calum hood

fuck off

I set my phone aside, getting ready for bed in the slowest way possible. I honestly could care less about what I looked like today, so I decided on a hoodie and sweatpants. I went back into my room and packed my bag with everything I needed, including Calum’s stupid study notes. I threw it over my shoulder, putting on my shoes and walking out the front door, into my car. Thankfully my college was not too far from my apartment, so it didn’t matter if I was running a couple of minutes late.

Parking my car and walking towards class, more and more annoyance filled my body, hoping that nobody would say a word to me, or even better, look in my direction. As I walked into the classroom, I walked towards the empty seats in the very back, choosing the one closest to the wall. I got settled into my seat, leaning the side of my head against the wall, hoping that I’d get the tiniest bit of extra rest.

“The last text message you sent to me wasn’t very nice.” I heard a voice beside me say. I opened my eyes and looked up, seeing the stupid Calum Hood. He was holding two cups of coffee - one for me, and one for him I’m assuming - and was wearing a maroon hoodie, which he actually looked really good in.

“I don’t think you deserve to have a nice goodmorning text, because you are the reason I’m in a pissy mood today, thank you very much.” I responded, taking my coffee from his hand and placing it on my desk. I reached into my bag and took the study notes I wrote for him, slapping it onto the desk beside me.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as our professor began to speak up, indicating that class had begun. “What can I do in order for you not to be mad at me?” I turned to look at him. He had the biggest pouty face I had ever seen, which was absolutely adorable. But I’d never tell him that.

“Just shut up.” I sighed, turning back towards the board, opening my notebook and beginning to take notes. 

Not even ten minutes later, a green sticky note caught my eye as I was writing. My eyes gazed towards the sticky note, scoffing at what was written on it.

Pls forgive me :(

I turned towards Calum, who was currently well focused on the board in front of us. I lightly chuckled, knowing he was more than pretending to actually pay attention in this class.

I thought I told you to shut up, I wrote underneath his writing and stuck it back onto his desk, and continued from where I left off. I got maybe 5 words in before I saw the neon green appear back onto my desk. I can’t shut up if I’m not talking.

I rolled my eyes before crumbling the paper in my hand, looking at Calum once again. “You’re distracting me. What do you want?” I asked him, the brunette boy turning his head to me once again. 

“For you not to be mad at me.” He responded. “What can I do for you to at least smile at me? Besides telling me to shut up.” 

I stared at him with the bitchiest face I could put on, then rolled my eyes and began to take down more notes in my book. First, he makes me write ten pages for him and now he’s distracting me in class. Can he leave me alone for at least five minutes? 

“And now you’re not gonna talk to me. Fine, be that way.” He grunted. The two of went back to what to we were doing for the remainder of class.

-

“That’s all for today folks, I hope you have a good rest of your day and don’t forget to read pages thirty to thirty-five and finish questions one to twenty-seven.” Our professor said to all of the class, which resulted in me grabbing my bag and standing up immediately, wanting nothing more than to just get the fuck out of this place.

Please don’t talk to me please don’t talk to me please don’t talk to me-

“Hey wait,” Calum said and grabbed my hand. 

Fuck

“Yes?” I asked him, turning my body towards him as he let go of my hand. 

“What’re you doing the rest of the day?” 

“Nothing, why..?”

I saw that Calum had the cheekiest grin on his face after I gave him my answer. “As an apology for making you write down my notes, thank you very much by the way, along with making you angry this whole morning, how about we go get breakfast on me, and we can do our homework together, except I will do all the work, and you just copy my answers? How does that sound?”

I thought about it. One part of me just wanted to flip him off, go back home and get the sleep I missed out on last night. The other part of me was actually kind of down for that idea. Free food, free homework answers and I get to hang out with pretty boy? I wasn’t really losing anything here, huh? 

“I mean, I would say yes, but I took my car here and also I’m dressed terribly right now, the last thing I need is for more people to see me looking like this..” I trailed off, looking down at my current outfit and laughing lightly. “Babe, you don’t even look bad whatsoever right now. However, if you insist, you can go home and change and I can come get you when you’re ready. Is that a plan?” He asked in response. First angel, now babe? What is this guy doing?

“I mean.. I could do that...but-” “Pleeaaasee?” Calum cut me off, pressing his hands together, acting as if he was praying. 

“Ugh, fine, I’ll go with you! I’ll go home and get ready, and I’ll text you when I’m done.” I responded as the both of us walked out of the classroom, towards the parking lot. 

“Pinky promise you won’t cancel on me last minute?” Calum asked, extending his arm and putting his pinky in front of me as we reached my car. I hadn’t even noticed that he walked me to my car, which honestly made my heart flutter when I realized. 

“Are you kidding me?” I laughed lightly, taking my pinky and sticking it out with his, interlocking it. “Pinky promises mean everything, sweetheart. I’ll see you later.” He responded, winking at me then walking away. Getting into my car, I hit my steering wheel, squealing while I repeatedly hit my head against my wheel. “Fuckin’ angel, babe and sweetheart?! What’s next?” I asked myself, driving back to my place to get ready for this little study.. session? Hang out? Date? 

I never noticed how nervous I was to hang out with Calum until four different outfits were placed on my bed, with no ability to choose which one looked best. “Fuck, these are all terrible.” I groaned, flopping onto my bed and closing my eyes. I was interrupted by my phone ringing, seeing that Calum was calling.

“I know you pinky promised that you wouldn’t cancel on me, but angel what is taking so long?” He asked, laughing into his question. “I’m so sorry,” I groaned, getting back up and looking at the outfits I planned on my bed. “I’m having a little wardrobe crisis. I have zero idea what to wear.”

“You could’ve showed up in the hoodie and sweatpants and I’d still find you gorgeous,” He responded, making my heart flutter for what felt like the hundreth time today. This man throws small compliments left and right and it’s kind of driving me crazy. “But lemme see what you got planned out. I’ll make it easier for you.” I responded with an okay, quickly snapping a photo of the clothes that were currently on my bed. 

“Okay first off, none of these are bad at all. I think you could’ve chose any of these and rocked all of ‘em. Second, little shirt big pants is always the way to go. I say the second one.” He told me, choosing a white long sleeved shirt and the baggiest light wash jeans I had in my closet. It might’ve been basic, but Calum was right - you really can’t go wrong with a little shirt big pants combination. 

“Okay, thank you.” I sighed in relief, taking the clothes into my hands and walking into the washroom to change. “You can come now, I’ll text you my address. I’ll probably be done by the time you get here.” 

“Now was that so hard?” He asked in response, causing the both of us to laugh. “I’ll see you in a bit. Bye bye!” 

“Bye Calum, see you later.” And with that the call ended. I quickly changed into my clothes, put my laptop in my bag - along with everything else I needed - and slipped my shoes on. Once I finished doing so, I heard a loud honk outside, indicating that he was outside. 

Walking out of my house I saw Calum exiting his seat, walking over to the other side and opening the door for me. “Wow, what a gentleman.” I laughed as he closed my door and got into the drivers’ side once again. “You look great.” He told me, his eyes focused on my outfit. “All thanks to you.” I said nervously, as he started the car. “Where are we going again?” I asked him. 

“You can never go wrong with IHOP,”  He said proudly, with a wide grin on his face. “How’d you know I loved going there?” I asked him, gaining a chuckle from him in response. “Not sure if you knew this, but I’m a mindreader.” He joked, causing me to roll my eyes and laugh in response. 

Arriving at the place and ordering our food, Calum and I began to have a little conversation. It started off with an are you still mad at me? which resulted into talks about other classes, finals and parties. 

“You’re telling me you’ve never been to a party?” He asked in shock, me shaking my head as I took a sip of the water that was given to me. “Are you kidding me? We’ve been in college for what, two years, and you’ve never been to one?!”

“Yeah, in case you didn’t notice, I go to school to learn and not to party. I don’t ask people to take ten pages of notes for me so I could blaze up, unlike somebody I know,” I responded, Calum looking at me in disbelief. “I cannot believe you just called me out like that. I said I was sorry!” 

“Yeah yeah, I know. You’re making up for it with free food and free homework answers, so I decided to get over it.” I responded, laughing. “Also, when are we gonna start doing the questions?” I asked as the waiter came with both of our plates of food, thanking them as we began to eat. 

“I mean, we could go back to my place and work on it, if that’s alright with you.” Calum said, his mouth full of pancakes. “Is that your way of trying to get in my pants?” I asked jokingly. 

“You’re a fiesty one aren’t you?” He asked, with a simple nod from me in response. “Well to answer your question, no that is not my way of doing such a thing, I’d be much more smooth about it.” 

“Oh, so you think you’re slick or something?” “Nah babe, I know I’m slick.” There’s the cocky party boy that I was much more familiar with. I rolled my eyes in response.

“I’m gonna ignore what you just said.. Anyways, I am fine with working on it at your place.” I told him, getting a nod in response. Throughout the whole breakfast, we got to know each other quite well. I learned that he played soccer in highschool, but due to a torn ACL he had to quit. But because of that, he got into music and started playing the guitar. I told him that if there’s enough free time when we finished, he should play me something. He happily agreed to it, saying that I will fall in love with him after I hear his singing. I just roll my eyes at his cocky compliments about himself. 

I also got to hear his totally wild college parties that he goes to, telling me about this one time one of his friends’ houses got shut down due to the various noise complaints from neighbours down the block. “you should come join me in one”, He offers, with a “fuck no” in response from me. 

“C’mon, they’re not that bad. They’re actually really fun, and everybody’s always so nice.” 

“I literally can’t tell you the last time I got high, and the last time I got drunk it was not pretty, I’m retired from that shit.” I said, as he paid for our food and began walking back to his car.

“Oh, so you used to be rowdy?” He asked, the two of us laughing in unison. “High school me was a different story, we don’t talk about that.” I responded. “The things I would do to see that side of you. You gotta go to at least one before you get outta this place. They take a lot of stress off your shoulders for the night.” He told me as we walked towards the front door to his place, which made me laugh at the fact that he tried to make parties seem like a really good thing. A simple Maybe, was all I responded with as we got settled into his apartment, which was fairly clean to my surprise. 

We were currently sitting across each other at his dining table, the both of us reading over the textbook and him answering the questions after every section. He worked effeciently, which also took me by surprise. I underestimated this guy a lot, didn’t I?

A good two hours later, Calum had finished all the questions for homework and I had finished copying them down, thanking him for doing such a thing.

“It’s no problem. I had no idea that the notes were ten fucking pages long, you deserve a break after that- wait, you wear glasses?” He asked me, analyzing them.

“Yeah, only at home though. I don’t really like how they look on me,” I replied, taking them off and rubbing my eyes. He took them in his hands and put them back on me, smiling. “They look really cute on you, I like them.” He said, causing me to blush. “What’re you so flirty for?” I asked. Keep these compliments up and I might just fall in love with you before you even sing, I thought to myself.

“Well, with somebody as pretty as you, I gotta slip in a flirty remark every chance I get, eh?” He smirked, taking my hand, and taking the both of upstairs. “Don’t take this the wrong way, my guitars in my room.” He reassured me as we walked inside his room. He took the guitar from the side of his room, and sat on the edge of his bed, gesturing me to sit down next to him.

“Ready to fall in love with me?”

“Try me, Hood.” 

He chuckled, playing the intro to Sam Smith’s Leave Your Lover. “Holy shit, I love this song,” I whispered, watching his hands strum the guitar.

He began to sing, immediately amazed by his voice. It was so soft and raspy, I literally could listen to it all day. I closed my eyes, leaning my head on his shoulder. He laughed softly when he noticed, continuing on with the song. 

He finished playing the outro, which caused me to open my eyes and look up at him. “So, how was that?” 

“It was beautiful, your voice is so pretty.” I responded, smiling at him. “You should drop outta this whole college thing and just become famous.”

“Oh man I wish, but I think it’s too late for that.” He told me, now leaning on my shoulder, which made me want to scream and kiss him. “Did you fall in love with me yet?”

I patted his cheek with my hand lightly. “Not yet Cal, not yet. Stil kinda angry about that whole ten pages of notes thing.” 

“You’re never gonna let that go, are you?”

“Nah.”

He laughed, then took my hand and intertwined it with his, rubbing circles on it with his thumb. “What if I told you I’d be down to do this again, minus the whole ‘let me do this for you today as an apology’ thing?” He questioned, lifting his head from my shoulder and looking at me.

“What do you mean, ‘this again’?”

“I mean picking you up with a coffee before class, bothering you the whole time, getting breakfast with you afterwards, studying together, and then playing a song for you once we get too lazy to finish our assignments.” He replied with a soft smile that made my heart warm and my cheeks red.

“And what if I told you that I’d be down to do those things aswell?” 

“Well then my love, I will pick you up on Wednesday at 8:15 with a venti iced white mocha with only one extra shot of espresso, because I won’t keep you up to write more notes. After class, I’ll take us to any place you wanna go. Denny’s? IHOP? Waffle House? You name it. Then, we can go back to my place, study our asses off and then I can play you as many songs as you’d like. How does that sound?” He offered, the biggest smile appearing on my face.

“That sounds perfect.”

“Now if we’re going to be doing this... does this mean I can finally take you to a damn party?”

“Fuck off, Hood.”

[trensu]

Episode 47: The One where JGY Gets Kinky with WWX and NO ONE Likes It

so our boys are still wandering around yunping and wwx is trying his hand at being matchmaker

he starts asking lwj if there's any female cultivators that *insert list of traits here*

they're still walking ahead of wn, who looks distracted by smth idk what

lwj: what for?

he asks as soon as wwx finishes listing off traits

It’s off-screen tho so we don't get to see his expression

But this is lwj we’re talking about and we all know how he gets when wwx so much as implies interest in other people

wwx: it's not for me!!

LOL WHY DID HE FEEL THE NEED TO RUSH IN AND EXPLAIN THAT??

IT’S NOT LIKE HE’S EVEN NOTICED LWJ’S JEALOUS STREAK

WHY WAS IT SO IMPORTANT FOR HIM TO KNOW IT WASN’T FOR YOU, WWX?? HMM??

and then he goes on to say how wn is all grown up now and probs can't spend the rest of his life third-wheeling them

wwx looks back and sees wn surrounded by children while lwj is still facing the other way

and i only mention this bc once wwx sees wn with the kids, wwx reaches over and PHYSICALLY TURNS lwj around by gently grabbing him by the shoulders

wwx: following me like this, is not an appropriate life for him. According to the bro code, i def need to find him a partner

this is actually so sweet tho, wwx doesn’t want his buddy to be lonely!!

wwx: hanguang jun, what do you think?

lwj: *nod*

wwx: at least, he needs to make some friends

AND THEN HE GETS A SMILE ON HIS FACE AND LOOKS AT LWJ

wwx: lan zhan, i think sizhui is a perfect candidate

OMGGGGGG

I AM LITERALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD RN

AS SOON AS WWX SAYS THAT LWJ LOOKS DOWN AND SO VERY AWKWARDLY TWITCHES TO THE SIDE AND KEEPS WALKING 

I'M  D Y I N G  LOLOLOLOL

HE'S LIKE SHIT FUCK HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW, DAMN IT, I DIDN'T TELL HIM YET, I MUST LEAVE RIGHT NOW

wwx doesn't dwell on lwj's abrupt departure bc when ISN'T lwj abrupt, right? 

After wwx rescues wn from the children, he tells him to go wait at the inn while he and lwj continue to investigate. 

wn goes all Sad Puppy about it.

but wwx doesn't see it bc he's already running towards lwj "lan zhan, wait for me!"

Small interruption to say that i really really enjoy watching our boys walk side by side?

we're constantly getting shots of their backs as they walk next to each other and even if they weren't EPIC SOULMATES, it’s still like, aesthetically pleasing.

Oh look, they found out that jgy's deed was to a Temple of Doom

or okay, a standard religious temple but considering what goes down in there eventually, i think Temple of Doom is a pretty accurate name for it

lwj mentions he senses a magic circle hidden in the temple and they proceed to talk plot stuff

but i'm just so distracted by their pretty faces

mostly wwx's, but lwj also has a pretty face

blah blah plot blah

it's decided they need to come back at night when it'll presumably be empty

now wwx is politely questioning a monk

wwx: Asks Clever Plot Related Questions

me: *dreamy sigh* so pretty wwx, so pretty

ooooh, wwx's Clever Plot Related Questions reveal that the monk is a FRAUD. 

idc about it or why he's a fraud but i just wanted to demonstrate HOW SMART MY SUNSHINE BOY IS. he’s got beauty AND brains!!!

cut to next scene and IT'S NIGHT TIME

wwx, lwj, and wn are approaching the Temple of Doom

lwj stops wwx from getting any closer to the doors with an outstretched arm

then lwj gets closer to the doors and kind of just...lobs a bit of his blue spiritual energy at the door

turns out it's warded! no getting in that way

so wwx says they'll get in through the courtyard or smth and tells wn to stand guard

LOLOL LOVE THIS LINE:

wwx: i am half a wreck but we still have hanguang jun~

WWX HAS SO MUCH FAITH IN HIS SOULMATE

we get some alone time with wn who notices some ominous black clouds rolling in so he takes off to investigate

MY BRATTY SON!! MY BRATTY SON IS HERE!! FOLLOWING HIS DOGGY

And that dumb dog is leading my precious brat of a son straight to the Temple of Doom!!

GO BACK TO BED, BRATTY SON, YOU DON'T NEED TO BE HERE

now we cut to our boys spying over the wall and they see a whole bunch of random dudes with bows/arrows

and now we hear barking! AHH!!! THAT STUPID DOG IS PUTTING MY BRATTY SON IN DANGER

jl knocks the door AND BEHIND THE DOOR ARE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES AIMING THEIR ARROWS AT HIM

HOW DARE THEY

DON'T YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON MY BRATTY SON'S HEAD, I WILL KILL YOU DEAD

wwx is thinking to himself: why is jl here? why didn't wn stop him? naughty kid, leave quickly with the dog!!

BUT JL DOESN'T LEAVE WITH FAIRY

INSTEAD JL DOES WHAT HIS UNCLE WWX DID AND CLIMBS UP THE WALL TO PEEK OVER

we get a close up shot of wwx's eyes here and i'm mentioning this for two reasons

1) wwx has beautiful brown eyes and everyone should take a moment to be grateful for this close up of them

but, more importantly

2) WE ALSO GET A GLIMPSE OF HIS EAR IN THIS SHOT AND HIS EAR HAS FRECKLES AND IT'S THE CUTEST THING EVER. FRECKLY WWX!!! WWX WITH FRECKLES!!! I'M SO HAPPY

okay back to the show i guess

jl manages to pull himself up BUT OH NO, THEY'VE GOT AN ARROW AIMED AT HIM

WWX SEES THIS AND HIS EYES GO WIDE WITH FEAR BC THAT'S HIS DARLING LITTLE NEPHEW THEY'RE PLANNING TO SHOOT

we see wwx gripping his bamboo flute 

and in the next second the bad guys loose their arrows at my bratty son!! HOW DARE THEY

wwx thinks fast and flings his flute at the incoming arrows and one of the arrows oh so conveniently splits the flute so it's unusable now

wwx: jin ling, run!!

WWX GAVE AWAY HIS POSITION TO SAVE HIS NEPHEW, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

now our boys are getting shot at and it's super stressful

but wwx and lwj leap off the roof (wwx does a fancy flip bc ofc he does) and wwx starts flinging talismans everywhere like nbd

they're smoke bomb talismans apparently

NOOOOOO I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT SCENE WAS COMING UP HERE I'M NOT READY FOR IT

so smoke bombs right, and we see somebody walking calmly through it

our boys land on the ground and get ready to start fighting

BUT SUDDENLY WE SEE A FLASH OF GOLD THREAD 

WWX FLINCHES BACK TO AVOID IT BUT ALL IT DID WAS MAKE IT EASIER FOR FUCKING JGY TO WRAP IT AROUND WWX'S (BEAUTIFUL) EXPOSED VULNERABLE NECK!!!

IT'S A GARROTE AND MY SUNSHINE BOY IS CAUGHT IN IT

JGY HAS THIS DARK EVIL LOOK ON HIS FACE AND HE'S HOLDING WWX HOSTAGE!!!!

I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT EVIL SMIRK RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE JGY 

LET GO OF MY SUNSHINE BOY, YOU BASTARD

lwj has his bichen drawn and pointed directly at jgy but he hasn't made a move yet bc wwx is being used as a human shield!!

jgy: i advise master wei not to whistle. it doesn't matter if the flute is broken. but if a finger or tongue is lost, that would be tragic

he says it with a fake, condescending concerned expression

I HATE HIM SO MUCH, I'M GONNA STRANGLE HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS

wwx gives a little huff and says sarcastically: you have a good point

eeww, we hear the garrote creak as jgy starts walking backwards 

and wwx has no choice but to follow BC HE'S GOT A GARROTE AROUND HIS NECK

lwj keeps pace with them, sword still pointed at jgy BC HELL NO HE'S NOT GONNA LET HIM TAKE MY, I MEAN, HIS WEI YING AWAY

oh, side note, we get a nice peek at some decorative etchings along bichen’s blade, kinda like suibian’s red line, except they’re pale silvery blue

Have they been there the whole time?? HOW DID I NOT NOTICE??

I blame wwx’s beautiful face for distracting me at every turn

Anyway, the etchings are pretty, whatever they are

Jgy is like don’t even THINK of trying anything hanguang jun!!

the garrote creaks bc FUCKING JGY TIGHTENS ENOUGH TO CUT INTO THE TENDER SKIN IN WWX'S NECK AND MAKES HIM BLEED!!

at that, lwj stiffly lowers bichen and he immediately gets surrounded by jgy's henchmen

the expression on lwj's face!! this is him scowling up a storm

since this is lwj's face we're talking about tho, there's only the slightest downward pull at the corner of his mouth. 

his eyes, on the other hand, his eyes are glowering fiercely

wwx tells lxc not to feel so bad about being tricked bc after all jgy is the best at what he does 

now wwx and jgy are doing that thing i love, you know the trope?

when the good guy and the bad guy speak to each other lightly, casually 

As if no one is actually poised to get murdered or anything

with an implicit acknowledgement of each others' immense skill

And they exchange notes as to how the good guy discovered the bad guy’s nefarious plot and the bad guy taking it as constructive criticism for future evil endeavors

Good stuff, good stuff

as they do this, jgy keeps his eyes pinned to lwj, who is the only real threat to him right now

wwx: since we’re completely at your mercy how’s about you tell me what kind of treasure is in the Temple of Doom?

jgy: the price to satisfy your curiosity is high. are you sure you want to try, master wei?

he says all falsely regretful

look i hate jgy with every fiber of my being, but i do appreciate this sort of banter

unfortunately it gets interrupted by some henchmen dragging in my bratty son!!!

jgy gives jl a sweet benign smile, with dimples and all 

which kind of cracks me up tbh, bc it does not mesh with the fact that he's got wwx by the neck here

jl: uncle jgy!

jgy: 'sup a-ling?

wwx: what's wrong with you, kid? why'd you come here at night??

JL: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

OH GOD, THAT'S HILARIOUS. 

IT REALLY JUST SHOWS HOW MUCH OF A KID HE STILL IS (BC HELLO, HE'S LIKE 12 I MEAN 16)

that was totally just a reflexive indignant response to wwx's tone, i love it

bc it's not like his one uncle is threatening to murder his other uncle or anything important lololol

and for all the dog lovers out there, to really hammer in how evil jgy is, jgy orders his henchmen to go murder fairy

my bratty son is very upset by this

lxc comes in here and is like, hey, jl is just a kid!! and also your nephew!!!

and jgy is all like, ofc i know he's a kid and my nephew! what do you think i'd do?? kill him???

well, i mean, you did murder your own infant son

i can't imagine killing your teenage nephew is that big of a leap for you, jgy

and then he goes right on to say that hey nephew, if you run or scream, probably something awful will happen to you so maybe don't do that

MY POOR BRATTY SON

oh now we cut to the inside of the temple and people are digging into the floor

wwx is wondering what the heck jgy is looking for

then he looks at lwj and with just a twitch of his eyebrows indicates that OMG JGY IS DISTRACTED AND THERE'S AN OPENING FOR AN ATTACK, GO FOR IT LWJ

or at least i'm assuming that's what that eyebrow twitch meant bc lwj catches it and leaps into action

he raises bichen and dives towards jgy aiming to cut his head clean off, it looks like

but jgy sees it coming in the last second and jerks wwx in front of him. 

bichen stops just barely an inch or two away from wwx's bleeding neck

wwx closes his eyes in disappointment  bc they had been so close! 

and now he just looks so upset bc he thinks he’s ruined their chances by letting jgy use him as a shield

jgy: hanguang jun, put bichen down now. do you really want to kill master wei?

THAT’S LOW FUCKING BLOW, JGY

HE KNOWS IT TOO

HE KNOWS LWJ FEELS GUILTY ABOUT WWX’S DEATH, THAT BASTARD

and omg wwx's face his eyes are red and teary, wide open and pinned to lwj as we all watch lwj obediently lower bichen

wwx: lan zhan, don't listen to him!

my sunshine boy's brow is all furrowed and he sounds desperate here

wwx: i have never blamed you! lan zhan, you go first to find reinforcements!

HE'S PRACTICALLY BEGGING HIM HERE

BC DEEP DOWN HE KNOWS THAT LWJ IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE

LWJ IS TOO GOOD OF A PERSON TO LEAVE SOMEONE IN DANGER 

BUT WWX HAS NEVER FELT WORTHY OF THAT SORT OF SACRIFICE

HE’S ALWAYS BEEN WILLING TO DIE FOR OTHERS, SO HE’S TRYING TO CONVINCE LWJ TO LEAVE 

BC WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS TAKING JGY DOWN NOT SAVING HIS OWN LIFE

Lwj looks him straight in the eye and shakes his head no for everyone to see

bc nothing will tear him away from wei ying, not again, not when he finally got him back after 16 long long years.

I AM IN PAIN

THE ANGUISH IN BOTH OF THEIR FACES IS KILLING ME

jgy: great! Next, please sheathe bichen

there's a slight twist to lwj's mouth as he sheathes bichen angrily 

but he did it with no hesitation 

the sound fx team really made the shing-clack sound of it very prominent here

i'm assuming to emphasize how lwj is briskly and willingly de-fanging himself in order to keep wwx alive

wwx: LAN ZHAN NO!

wwx pants a couple of times (bc lwj is putting himself in danger!!) and his beautiful beautiful face twists into a snarl

wwx: jgy, don't go too far.

jgy: is it too far for you already? next i even want hanguang jun to seal his own spiritual power by himself. what would you call that?

wwx's eyes widen like, no, no don't

and we get a shot of lwj who is the picture of grim resignation

he knows that as long as jgy has that garrote around wwx's neck, he will do anything he asks of him, anything at all

wwx protests but jgy just tightens the garrote

lwj sees that happening and immediately locks down his spiritual energy

(side note to say that i really like the sound effects and the motions they choreographed for the "locking of energy" thing here. It’s really cool)

wwx: lan zhan…

WWX'S EYES ARE BRIMMING WITH TEARS AND HE SOUNDS LIKE HE'S HOLDING BACK SOBS

lwj presses his lips into a firm line in response

THIS ALL IS GIVING ME ANXIETY AND KEEPING ME ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT

WHICH IS STUPID BC I ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS 

BUT HERE I AM, FREAKING OUT ANYWAY

oh and now there's a convenient thunderstorm TO SET THE MOOD I GUESS?? 

jgy is like, hey guys let's move this inside so we don't get rained out. no worries, if you do what i say i totally won't maim and/or kill you

cut to inside the temple

creepy breeze? Check

eerie candle lighting? Check

highly contrasted cool colors vs warm colors? Check

jgy also likes his classic villain tropes, it seems i wonder if he and xy compared notes on that...

jl is sitting next to lxc, clutching his sword

meanwhile lxc keeps his eyes closed like maybe if i refuse to see what's happening, it'll make it not be happening!

Which, hey, we’ve all been there! 

okay, maybe not this exact same scenario, but still! Totally a valid coping mechanism, probably.

and on the other side of the room we've got our boys sitting shoulder to shoulder against a pillar together

wwx: lan zhan, you don't have to do this. that year....you owe me nothing

Aka, it’s not your fault i died. You don’t need to atone for anything!!!

lwj takes in his words for a moment

lwj: i don't think i owe you.

he says it so seriously

wwx: so why did you do that??

lwj looks over to him

lwj: it's what i should do.

BC THEY'RE SOULMATES AND HE LOVES HIM

AND WWX SMILES THAT LITTLE PINCHED SMILE OF HIS 

some mood-setting stuff happens

you know, creepy wind slamming open doors, blowing out candles, that sort of thing

oh, there's a knock on the door and FUCKING SU SHE APPEARS BC THINGS WEREN'T HORRIBLE ENOUGH ALREADY NOW WE GOTTA DEAL WITH HIS UGLY MUG TOO

huh, he's got an unconscious nhs with him

wow he just drops nhs on the ground like a sack of potatoes, rude

blah blah evil plotty exchange between evil master and evil subordinate blah blah

blah blah emotional confrontation between jgy and lxc that idc about blah blah

ugh gross now su she is approaching wwx and lwj and is talking to them all smugly condescending

i want to hit his face with a brick tbh

LOL

WWX AND LWJ ARE NOT AMUSED

wwx just rolls his eyes and lwj looks off to the middle distance bc this insect is not worth his time or attention lololol

god that chip in his shoulder that he's got for lwj is really getting annoying

ss: i just can't stand his attitude, as if he's better than everyone else!!

idk about “everyone else,” but he's definitely BETTER THAN YOU, YOU GREASY LITTLE COWARD

lol wwx gets offended on lwj's behalf (bc lwj has yet to acknowledge su she at all)

wwx: when did lan zhan say he was better than everyone else?

awwwwww!! lwj sneaks a glance at wwx when he starts to defend his honor. that's so cute!

wwx: iirc, in the great big book of lan fam rules, there’s one that says "don't be arrogant and prideful"

AND LOLOLOL MY BRATTY SON CONTINUES TO BE A BRAT OF A TEENAGER EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS DRAMA

jl: how do you know the principles of gusulan so well?!

wwx frowns all sulky and taps his nose adorably

wwx: i have transcribed it so many times that i memorized it.

jl: why did you transcribe the principles of lan??

WWX GETS ALL DEFENSIVE AND IS ARGUING WITH A TEENAGER WHILE THEY'RE BOTH BEING HELD HOSTAGE LOLOLOL

wwx: do you think it was my choice? that (and here he glances at lwj from the corner of his eye and lwj is side-eyeing him and it's hilarious) was my punishment

jl: shame on you!

he says it all haughty and adorably irritated and turns his head away sharply. it's GREAT

After that, wwx is going on about how lwj has had that indifferent expression on his face his whole life and he can't really help it, it’s not bc he’s snooty or whatever ss thinks

and he continues to blabber on in that way he does

ss gets all mad and moves to strike him with his hand

and quicker than a blink of an eye, lwj puts bichen (still sheathed) between wwx and ss 

He glares at ss like, just try it, i dare you! and doesn't put bichen down until ss lowers his hand

i would like to point out that ss still relented to lwj even tho lwj HAS NO ACCESS TO SPIRITUAL POWER 

BC SS KNOWS HE'S A WORTHLESS NOBODY AND LWJ COULD DEFEAT HIM EASILY EVEN WITHOUT HIS RENOWNED CULTIVATION SKILLS

as soon as ss backs off, wwx runs his mouth again, i love it

There’s a bit where wwx says, "i'm not afraid of death, i just don't want to die"

which i guess is some kind of word play in their native tongue? Idk

wwx goes on to explain it but idgi; either it doesn't translate well or i'm not bright enough to understand it, lol

anyway, this all culminates to ss drawing his sword to kill wwx for being annoying

BUT HE GETS INTERRUPTED BY JC'S EPIC ENTRANCE

ZIDIAN CRASHES OPEN THE DOORS AND SENDS SU SHE FLYING

WE GET SOME SHOTS OF POURING RAIN AND A BLOODIED UMBRELLA

A SHOT OF JC’S HAND WRAPPED AROUND SANDU

AND THEN AN OUT OF FOCUS SHOT OF HIM IN THE RAIN

FOLLOWED BY A SHOT OF THE FLOOR ON THE ENTRANCE WHERE WE SEE HIS SHADOW SLOWLY GROWING LARGER AS HE MAKES HIS WAY IN

THIS IS SUCH A COOL SCENE OMG

SLOW MOTION CASUAL SAUNTER ONTO THE SCENE

AHHH, SO COOL JC SO COOL

lwj does not look impressed lolol but you can tell wwx thinks it's pretty neat 

(not that he'll ever admit it bc you never admit those sort of things to your little brother, LOL)

jl is so happy to see him!

jl: uncle!

jc: you're calling me now? you know how to call me now? why did you run away a while ago?

and jl looks away with that yeesh expression kids get when their parents start in on their scolding lectures

THIS ALL CRACKS ME UP BC IT'S NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE FOR THAT SORT OF EXCHANGE

JC JUST BARGES IN AND STARTS TELLING OFF HIS NEPHEW LIKE THEY'RE NOT ALL TRAPPED BY AN EVIL MASTERMIND

oh here comes fairy AND WWX IMMEDIATELY CLINGS TO LWJ'S SHOULDERS

wwx: lan zhan!!

lwj calmly lifts his arm so wwx can cower behind his billowing white sleeve

LOL

jl is commanding fairy to bite ss and as wwx is cowering, he's ALSO encouraging fairy to bite ss

(which really just means that, while wwx will probably never get over his phobia of dogs, he might eventually be able to get used to fairy maybe)

lol ss goes running with fairy hot on his tail

then we cut to wwx who notices how he's clinging to lan zhan's outstretched arm and gets embarrassed

he gently pushes the arm down and gives it a pat and smiles bashfully at lwj

IT'S ADORABLE

fun fact, this scene is the reason i started watching the show, i saw a gifset of this little exchange here and was like, THAT'S AN ADORABLE SMILE ON THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BOY IN THE WORLD

IT’S SO CUTE HOW THAT THE GUY IN WHITE LET HIM HIDE FROM THE DOG LIKE THAT. I HAVE TO WATCH THIS NOW.

and now some henchmen try attacking jc and jc whips them away with zidian and is generally just looking AWESOME

then lxc warns him about the Evil Magic Music

so jc's solution to that is to grab a random sword with zidian and chuck sandu into zidian and then scrape the two swords together?? to block out the music with super irritating noise, i guess???

lol even lwj is wincing at the racket

you know what, i'm gonna ignore the weirdness of this makeshift solution and just enjoy how cool zidian looks

now jgy is monologuing at jc and it's boring

lol, wwx leans over to lwj while that's happening

wwx: seriously, he talks like xy

he is not impressed by it lololol

both jc and jgy hear him and give him a Look and wwx puts on an innocent face

jgy starts picking at jc's emotional wounds and complicated brotherly feelings

jc starts getting defensive and snappish

lxc: don't answer him. he's good at talking. 

so at least lxc is learning from his mistakes here, that’s good!

jgy switches tactics and starts in on wwx and his complicated brotherly feelings

but wwx responds with, hey man, i already know jc hates me so that isn't gonna work

oooooh, now jgy is revealing how he heard that jc was running around lotus pier asking ppl to unsheathe suibian

wwx's eyes get all wide and surprised

he throws a desperate look at lwj

wwx: my sword? didn't i give suibian to wn??

lwj doesn't answer but wwx realizes that he hasn't seen wn carrying suibian lately

and he starts frantically asking lwj how suibian ended up with jc and why the heck would jc ask others to draw suibian

wwx: has he drawn it by himself??

pretty sure he knows the answers to all those questions and is basically asking lwj to tell him his suspicions aren't correct

lwj: wei ying, calm down

jgy notices wwx's reactions and pushes on bc he's found a weak spot and he's def gonna exploit it

he's like, oh yeah, i also heard you were able to draw suibian from its sheath, jc

wwx's face is full of dread as he realizes what happened

he starts blinking back tears and he's getting all shaky bc this is his nightmare unfolding before him

FUCKING JGY NEEDS TO SHUT UP

HE'S DREDGING UP ALL OF JC'S INSECURITIES, AIRING THE YUNMENG BROS TRAUMA FOR ALL TO SEE

I WANT TO THROTTLE HIM

he gives jc a sarcastic bow and keeps picking at those wounds

wwx jerks forward as if he was going to try to shut up jgy, but lwj holds him back bc honestly, what was wwx going to be able to do anyway?

jc staggers back as if physically wounded

wwx's eyes are red with tears bc this was never supposed to happen

AND I'M JUST HURTING SO MUCH FOR MY YUNMENG BROS

jgy chooses this moment to attack and now we have a sword fight

we get a shot of lwj and wwx here

wwx is squirming in his seat like he wants to intervene but knows that he can't

Lwj is keeping a close eye on wwx, ready to stop him the moment wwx tries to sacrifice himself for jc (again)

in the middle of their fight, jgy suddenly flings his sword right at lwj!!

lwj tries to raise bichen but it's not gonna be quick enough

jc sees this and dives towards lwj and manages to block the sword

lwj looks at him in shock, which is understandable bc jc doesn't even like him

he could've totally just let that sword slice him in two and been guilt-free bc hey he's in the middle of a life or death battle himself, you know?

but he didn't! he took the time to protect lwj 

For his efforts, he gets wounded (like mortally wounded) and now he has another reason to hate lwj lol

Anyway, jc can't do much now except channel all his spiritual energy into the wound so he doesn't, yknow, DIE

wwx is watching him with worry

here comes su she, all bloodied up 

lol looks like fairy was able to tear into him a bit. what a good doggy!!

now i guess the henchman were able to finish digging or whatever, WATCH HOW MUCH I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT NONSENSE

Let’s check in on our boys instead

wwx and and lwj share a look 

and all i can think is omg look at how close their hands are, if they each shift just a couple inches they'd be holding hands!!

LET MY BOYS HOLD HANDS

But no, we're going to have an emotional discussion instead

wwx: did you know about it?

lwj gives a very reluctant nod

wwx: when did wn tell him?

lwj: while you were knocked out

also omg they're having this conversation and jc is literally only 3ft away

HE CAN HEAR YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?

wwx: that's how we left lotus pier??

lwj: wn is very sorry about that

look at lwj being a bro and sticking up for wn!

wwx: i've told him time and again to never speak of it

jc: never speak of what?

and here they seem to realize that yeah, hello, everyone can hear their conversation

they look at jc all surprised

*facepalm* guys, guys, i get that you both get a little wrapped up in each other sometimes, but c'mon

AND THAT'S THE END!!

SO INTENSE, SO STRESSFUL

But we still got quality times with our boys, and some fun times with jl and jc, so i guess that evens the scales!

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[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

[firebirdsdaughter]

We really ignoring Horobi murdering Izu who not trying to kill him and the fact while he didn’t started this cycle. He sure as hell doing himself no favors by murdering Izu who Artuo closet ally and act all surprised when Artuo hate him. Not acknowledging he the cause for this malice in Artuo. Should Artuo still try to get though to him even though he murder Izu who got no back up compare to Jin who died before and can very well be bought back again?

…

Uh.

Can I just ask… Why are you on my blog? It’s not like I’ve been subtle about my love for Horobi. And you must be on my blog bc I’m pretty sure I haven’t put any of those thoughts in the main tag, and have been carefully tagging them as complaining/negativity/opinions/salt.

1) I’m not saying Horobi was ‘right,’ I’m saying he isn’t in a sane place right now and this wasn’t a ‘cold blooded murder,’ esp bc I’m pretty sure he understands that he regrets it now. He’s been trained for more than ten years to respond to things w/ extremity and violence, as evidenced by the Ark having him repeatedly take out or try to take out things/people that were making him feel in any way—what happened w/ Midori, why he was driven to attack Jin in 41. From Horobi’s extremely damaged and fucked up perspective, he just wanted to make the pain and confusion go away. He didn’t try to hunt out Izu, she approached him, and knowingly endangered herself. Which is why I’m also calling the fact that we’ve seen Izu move faster than a car, she could have dodged the shot and didn’t, so it’s ineffective as drama bc it was easily preventable. I’m calling bs on the writing.

2) Horobi’s definitely not surprised that Aruto hates him? He might be surprised that Aruto went full Ark (I am, too, that feels out of character, I would’ve expected him to just go regular berserk on his own). I’m not saying it’s wrong for Aruto to be mad. Like I just said, I would have expected him to go berserk on his own, which might have ended up leading to Jin’s death anyway. Like… Where did you get that. Actually don’t answer that. Aruto getting angry and going after Horobi would have been one thing, though the way he went Ark is weird to me. What bugs me is the way it’s being treated/reacted to as a ‘black and white’ situation when it should be more grey. Horobi is mentally unwell, and there were multiple factors at work/responsible for the situation. This isn’t just ‘Horobi is a bad person it’s all his fault.’ This is also ‘contrived drama by the writers who are hoping we forgot Izu can break land-speed records.’

2.5) I’m not expecting Aruto to reach out to him at this point. Hell, I’m not even saying ‘forgive’ him, even though I think by this point Horobi has figured out he regrets it. What should really happen is someone else intervenes and keeps them away from each other until both are more stable. Really, someone should have stepped in to control that on both ends. Aruto shouldn’t have been left alone. Neither of them should have. I do think more effort should have gone into reaching out to him before it happened. If they hadn’t been alone in there/if someone w/ a little more ‘emotional/mental experience’ had been present, things might’ve gone differently.

3) Izu still not having a back up is ridiculous, literally everyone knows Aruto is Zero-One, this feels like just terrible planning/lack lustre writing imo, and on top of that, Horobi didn’t know she had no backup. Still doesn’t make his reaction ‘okay,’ bc violence is never the answer, but he’s shown before he believes in bringing AI back through backups, so it may not even have occurred to him that she wouldn’t have one. Additionally, we don’t know Jin has a back up. We can’t say he ‘can very well be brought back again’ bc we don’t actually know that. We don’t know if ZAIA kept that data, Williamson just said they ‘repaired’ him. And that’s also it, even if it exists, ZAIA has it. Not Horobi. Also… This is KR, they could figure out some MacGyver to bring Izu back, even if it’s not clear now, though that’s more of a meta thing. Actually, what I would love to happen is Horobi helps bring her back, maybe as part of therapy.

Look, disagreeing is fine. That’s why I’ve been trying to keep my negative reactions out of the main tag. I’m not trying to get into fights, I’m just venting. I’m analysing what I see and interpret. It’s not that Horobi was ‘right’ it’s that he’s mentally and emotionally unstable rn bc of what happened to him, he should not be expected to know how to react calmly to things, esp if under pressure and in an intense situation. I also literally just wrote a post about how I don’t think it’s fair to blame Izu entirely, either. I comment about blaming the humans (esp Yua and Fuwa (whom I love dearly), but they did escalate the situation and then leave Aruto alone there, wtf did they leave him alone???) bc if they’d listened to Izu at the start we’d likely not be in this mess, or if they’d actually tried to reach out to him before, things could have gone differently.

This is my point of view. If this is upsetting to you, which it seems to be from the tone of this Ask, I recommend blocking my blog, bc these are my feelings on this, and I’m not going to change. I’d block you so that you wouldn’t have to see my posts, but then you wouldn’t be able to see this answer, which I hope explains some of my position, so I’ll leave it for now. Besides, in the end, it’s just a tv show, and it doesn’t actually matter, for all I can get very emotional about things, esp bc Horobi as a character became very important to me.

I hope at least some of that was coherent. I have a hard time articulating my thoughts (part of why I repeat myself so much), and I have been extremely exhausted for the past few days bc my sleep schedule is messed up, so it’s even worse.

I’m not apologising for having an opinion and an interpretation of a piece of media, and I never will. That’s not something I should be required to apologise for. I’m not hurting anyone, bc, again, it’s just a tv show. I’m just in my corner, rambling. I don’t mean any of it as an attack against people who disagree, everyone interpret things differently. For instance, I have things in media that I dislike so much it makes me feel physically ill to think about them, but I just filter them out and it’s fine. I’m even on friendly terms (I hope?) w/ people who like some of those things that make me feel sick, but it’s fine, bc we just don’t discuss them. I know people I disagree about things w/, less viscerally, and have actually had discussions w/ them about that stuff.

Having differing opinions is one thing, but I don’t appreciate the aggressive tone here. I’m saying this partially bc I do understand getting very fired up about something, even if it’s fictional (*looks pointedly at my own blog*), so I’m assuming you just feel very strongly on the subject, but please be aware of how your words might come across—bc the another part of the reason I’m saying this is that I know if I had been in a slightly different mood when I saw this, it might have greatly upset me to unwell levels. I hope it was not your intention to attack me on anything, and that this is just something you feel passionate about, but as someone who often struggles w/ tone and knows it… Please consider it. It can be harmful.

[alien-origins]

ok so I haven't been feeling that the arrangement/relationship was giving much bc it was a purely sexual thing and I was getting bored and low key disgusted.

and like when we met we both agreed for this to be no strings attached bc neither wanted a gf/bf. however I noticed like a year in he was catching feelings because he said "would you like to be exclusive?" and I asked what he meant and he said "that we only have sex with each other" and I said that I didn't know.

cut to like a few months later my sex drive goes down and I don't want to meet up bc it's just for sex and I tell him I'm not really wanting to do anything and he's like "oh but we can hang out still", but hanging out with him is literally sitting in his bed playing video games which isn't interesting or fun for me or watching a movie and have him dry hump me and tell me he wants me to which I get annoyed at because I EXPLICITLY said I didn't want to do anything.

and I also need to mention other things that annoyed me with him. every time in the morning I wanted to leave I always had to like come up with something like a "plan" so I had somewhere else to be and couldn't stay because dude I want to enjoy my weekend. and every time I was like "well o gotta go" and he said "it only takes 6 minutes to the train from here" but like I have smaller legs than you, want to have an extra 5 min in case and I HAVE ANXIETY which I've told him so I need extra time or I'll literally panic. so I almost missed the train several times because he would sometimes refuse to let me get up from bed and I was clearly annoyed at him like this isn't funny and idk why he thinks I'd want to miss my train bc then I'd have to wait 30 min for my bus.

time management. I'm the person that gets to class 20 min early. Gets up 2-3h before I need to leave the house and make sure I have n extra 20-30 min of I'm going to find a new place. this dude was more of a "few seconds before" type of person which gave me anxiety and just felt disrespectful of my time when HE decided time and then never managed to meet me in time. even if 90% of the time he just had to walk down to the lobby door of his apartment to get me on he'd be 10-15 min late.

however I think what was the breaking point for my tolerance was when we decided to watch captain marvel in theatres. I said I'd like to eat before and he was like "sounds good, the movie starts 21.30 so we can meet 20.35 and eat" and I'm like, weird time but okay. and I arrive 10 min early to the mall we're gonna eat at (where they also have the theatre) and I tell him I'm there. 20-30min later I get a text that says "I'll be a little late" and I'm like okaybim in the lobby. he comes through the doors 20 minutes before the movie starts and then is like "so what do you want to eat?" and I say "do we really have time for that" I'm annoyance and he's like sure we do and I'm like....sure....so we have Lebanese food but I can't eat quickly because of my anxiety and past ed so I eat half and put the rest of the shworma in my bag for later. then he wanted to go to another store to buy drinks with like 3 min left until it started. RIGHT OMG when we got there FORTY MINUTES LATE he wants to go say hi to a friend who works in a store there LIKE???!!???????

and onto kinks. he noticed me posting pics of kris wu sometimes going "omg daddy choke me😩😩" as we know I do, and he's like "you're into that?" and I'm like yea, thinking about choking. and then he asks about what I mean with daddy and I explain that's like "he's hot" it's a term used for hot men and he's like "you can call me daddy😏". and me, who only have like 5 names on my daddy list is laughing internally but I'm like whatever, sure.

next time I get to his house he asks me to call him daddy mid sex and I'm like ok??? and I do and there was nothing more to it. like 2-3 times later he goes full dd/lg and oh my gOd was it disturbing. he said stuff like "cum for daddy", "you have to keep quiet or your mom will hear" etc. and I said I didn't like talking during sex prior to this AAAAAND I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY VERY BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD so this made me nauseous and I told him I didn't like talking like that during sex. i don't even remember his response but he did it like 2-3 more times before he stopped but like omg I felt so uncomfortable. he kept asking what kinks I had and I said I enjoy hair pulling, choking, being restrained and roughhoused but idk why he translated it into dd/lg.

I had told him vulnerable things about myself that he didn't understand like my anxiety, issues with my period pain, my relationship with my dad and some things about sugar babying. and he really thought he could fix all these things.

third thing. he sent me links to oils, meditation methods and other "natural" ways of getting rid of period pains. and I tell him thank you but if this worked I'd know already. and he's like "but it works for some" and I'm like I'm not saying it isn't, it's just the fact that I almost got immune to strong pain killers specifically made for cramps so rubbing some lavender oil on my vulva won't do shit boy.

fourth. I get that he was probably trying to be nice and give me compliments and I told him I was insecure about my tits because they're not that big. they're a size AA and A on food days I guess. but he said every time that my boobs had gotten bigger like, I'd have a F cup at this point if they actually were getting bigger and he noticed it every time. then however he started saying "your ass had gotten bigger" and it made me feel so selfcouncious. he KNEW about my ed and he KNEW I was still having issues with it so I don't understand why that comment was necessary???? I spiraled after hearing those comments and almost started dieting and skipping meals again because of those comments. and I know it's in and hot to have a big ass rn but o don't want one, love em on other people but I don't want one bc o feelnotd be disproportionate with my small chest and I already feel so uncomfortable sometimes with not being curvy and like it messes me up ......

and just being treated like a sex object in general. sure it was a sexual arrangement, but some respect please.....he would call me sexy even though I said I didn't like that comment bc I didn't see myself as sexy and didn't think it described me well (plus I look younger than I am so it makes me kind of uncomfortable). and saying only things about my body and how hot and sexy I am and it didn't make me feel good. ever. I don't think he ever complimented me on anything else but looks and it gets very boring after a while.

the end of it. as we know I'm in Korea rn studying and he knew this since months back and we hadn't talked since my bday in February and I avoided sc bc we almost only talked there but then I posted something and he replies around July/August and never stops writing even though I don't reply for 1-4 days. immature of me maybe but I was working a lot and didn't even think of replying bc it gave me anxiety to talk to him at this point.

then September. it's 1 month left until I leave and I have a LOT to fix before going and friends to say bye to. he says "can we meet this weekend" and I tell him I work weekends and I have other things to do almost every weekend up to when I leave and idk if I'll have time. he kept pushing again and again and I told him I didn't have time. then like a week left and he asks me to come over tonight and he knows I need to know these things I'm advance or I don't do it bc I'm not an impulsive person. and I tell him "honestly I don't think I will have the time to see you before I leave. I want to say bye to my close friends and my family" and he's like "wouldvevliked to see you one time before you leave though ://" butbi don't reply.

I talk to a few friends and they tell me to break it off but I only did it last week and BOY. I sent him a message on fb saying that I'm sorry but I don't think this kind of relationship works for me anymore, I'm not interested in it and won't be when I come back either probably and I say that I hope he understands. and he just replies "what kind of relationship is this?" and I say fwb at best. and he's like. .....well...I was hoping for more but I could sense you didn't want it.

LIKE!!!!!WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME SO WE BOTH DIDNT WASTE TIME OMG. LIKE HES AN ADULT. A FULL BLOWN ADULT. HES TURNING 30 NEXT YEAR.

but I tell him yea no I was never looking for that and we agreed on nothing more. and he's like "too bad liked your vibe" and I laughed out loud bc omg that's hilarious!!!! also fuck you. and I say sorry again and that I'm not looking for anything at all and he asks "why?" this dude has the audacity to ask WHY I don't want to suck his dick and I'm trying to be nice about it but I said "do I need more of an explanation than that I don't want to?" and he's like no, but hmu if you change your mind. he also said he wasn't looking for a normal relationship, he wanted something between fwb and a real relationship whatever that means and like ugh I'm so tired....

In conclusion I hate men and I removed him from sc and fb.

[yesitsmewhataboutit]

so C is bae ? 👀

Sssssss oooooooo ok lemme give y’all a lil update

See so there was a list

1. Italian

2. C

3. Money ( if u knew him you’d understand why I call him that. I wouldn’t even use that nickname to anyone who knows him cuz it’s too obvious 💀😭)

Now lemme explain what happened and how I got where I am, see, C was the very first off the list

Upsetting and surprising I know. We still mess around and we’re still friends and everything but I’ve just really given up on the whole “future” idea yk?

And why is cuz one major reason I’m not gonna get into which was why he wasn’t even first on the list in the first place. But that reason is also something that both Money and Italian have so it’s like I REALLY don’t have to worry bout with them

Also tho, he has almost no Interest in, “fixing” let’s just say, what that reason is. But not even that among others things, it just can’t happen. The boy doesn’t answer my texts, he’s as non responsible as they come, and he even said it himself he doesn’t want a gf rn. He’s even planning to go into military when he turns 18

Like y’all, it just ain’t gon happen I’m so sorry😭

Now, Italian

I know y’all haven’t heard much about him but GOD that boy. He’s so cute so just, ugh, but he’s a fool and he was next off the list. I was trying so hard to keep him on and stuff cuz it would’ve been GREAT but I just can’t

He’s young and immature and just a child and stupid and I just can’t keep trying. I had his friend, who’s also my friend and how we met, ask him what his type was

His exact words “10s”

😐

Exactly

And among that he just doesn’t really want anything in that way to do with me. He knew is kinda liked him but that changed nothing

He called me a 4 one time which I’m not saying I’m not and frankly I didn’t care he said that my problem was that another time he called my bsf, who’s absolutely drop dead stunning like she’s an actual angel, a 4. He also called her a 4

Like tf

Now sure that could be a “compliment” to me cuz he also called me a 4 but obviously his radar is messed up cuz EVERYONE knows that’s bs calling her a 4

On another occasion he also called my outfit a 6 whatever tf that means

But none of that was the tipping factor I was still trying and stuff but what was, was the fact every Sunday night me, my friend, Italian, and his bsf (and some time others) would go bowling right?

I’d also try to dress good put on a show blah blah blah

So just this recent Sunday, the Saturday before (the same day I said I was like “baes sister” ) I was texting my friend and long story short he mentioned how he said as a joke to Italian he wasn’t gonna bring me next time (meaning that next day) and Italian said “good”

Yup, That’s done

That was it, I’m good, done and over

Rest In Peace to that beautiful boy

Now, Money

He’s just so awesome. He’s really nonchalant but also funny and cool

He’s bae, I was with his sister

I’ve known him about a year and both my other friends and his sister have him rooting for me tryna get with him and they didn’t understand why I still was trying with C or Italian (they all know the full story with reasons and stuff)

So literally after that with Italian I turned to her and was like “ok, u win” and that was that

As of now I’m just really getting to know him. Hanging with him and letting him get used to me and stuff. He isn’t looking for a gf rn either but I know soon he’ll maybe start so then I can kinda be around when he does and possibly what he thinks of yk?

Plus now I have a little time to mold him and get him just how I want

So yeah, that’s that. I’ll keep u guys updated and what now but yeah

Money for the win

[sinesalvatorem]

Response To Endecision, Pt 6 (Finale)

(Endecision’s post can be found here. My masterpost about these responses can be found here.)

At the end of her post, Endecision has included her final messages to her before I blocked her on the suggestion of Kelsey @theunitofcaring. The reason I ever wound up blocking her is because I had this conversation with Kelsey:

Me:  Also, uh, sorry about everything from 2015.

Kelsey:  that was not your fault at all. I wish I had had more of my shit together or at least been more aware sooner of the ways in which I didn't. you deserve better

Me:  It's more acutely on my mind rn since [Endecision]’s last message to me is >Kelsey almost died because of you. Do you feel good about that?

[Addendum - I didn’t include the part about someone else being broke in this message because it might have been private to them and was irrelevant to my apology to Kelsey.]

Kelsey:  holy shit that's a horrible, horrible thing for her to say and I'm so so so sorry what the fuck how dare she

Me:  It's actually not an unusual example of things she says? Half the time we interact, she's optimising for me feeling bad. Which is why I try to avoid living with her.

Kelsey:  yeah that makes perfect sense on your end but /what the fuck/

Me:  Since other wise I'm too, like, mentally poisoned to function.

Kelsey:  there is literally no one it's ever ever ever okay to say that to yeah no kidding anyone would be!!!!!

This conversation eventually ended with her suggesting that I block Endecision online while getting an intermediary to allow both of us to communicate on immigration matters while not allowing her to say things like this to me that are clearly calculated to cause me pain, as well as her acting as my escort while I collected my belongings from my house to move out.

But back to Endecision’s post:

I wish I’d talked to people about this a long time ago. It was hard to. The whole situation has been incredibly isolating.

This was roughly what happened for me as well. I desperately wanted to talk about all the abuse I was experiencing, but I didn’t want to reveal any of Endecision’s personal information, or out her as an abuser in a way that would make it hard for her to make friends. (I later realised that 1) it was not my job to trick people into thinking she wasn’t abusive so that they’d be friends with her, and doing so was immoral and endangering regardless, and 2) she actually has no trouble with having people be friends with her and date her while being fully aware that she’s terribly abusive, so this was apparently never a problem to begin with?)

But I don’t say this to argue about who had it worse or anything, but because I actually really empathise with having something that’s eating your life and poisoning everything for you and that you can’t talk to anyone about. It’s horrible and painful and frustrating. This is the main reason I begged her to let us go to a counselor, or couple’s therapy, or even find a mutual friend to talk to. But she refused every possibility of telling other people secrets. Which doesn’t mean I don’t believe her about how bad the isolation was - I expect it was terrible, but being extremely paranoid meant she wasn’t willing to let either of us break it.

Until very recently I threw up my hands, said “fuck it”, and decided I was actually going to talk about why I was constantly depressed and on drugs and running away from home and just generally had everything falling apart. And, as much as I know Endecision hates me for it, I can’t possibly regret it. I couldn’t have survived not doing this for any longer. I actually legitimately regret every degree of privacy she lost as a result of this, but I couldn’t take this any longer.

We were fighting a lot at the end, she would leave the house and not talk to me for days, I would worry that she was going to kill herself or overdose or something.

I ran away from home constantly because I didn’t feel safe living in the same house as her any time she was angry, given her propensity to take it out on me, that fact that every facet of my abuse was escalating, and that she had a knife and (according to her) only avoided physically attacking me because she didn’t expect to win. I had no idea how long the absence of physical violence would hold for, and the emotional abuse alone was enough to make me life-ruiningly anxious when I had to be around her.

When we fought, I would try and try to tell her what had been bad for me, and she would stare at me silently and sometimes just walk out, and I would despair of ever getting anything across.

I was only ever quiet when I was trying to avoid saying anything that would further upset her. I chose my words very carefully in all our arguments, because I wanted to be as kind and emotional-labour-performing as I could, and any time I said anything even slightly wrong she would become vastly angrier.

I never tried to openly express how I felt to her in an argument, because she would always accuse me of trying to make the situation about me, even if what I was saying was that I felt deeply sorry for having done something she disapproved of. And, whenever possible, I just tried to hide from her, because I knew nothing I could say to her would ever make things better, and every interaction with her would always be her rending my soul as much as she possibly could.

My friend noticed something was wrong and was helping us talk to each other and things were getting better, until I sent those last messages and she ran away for good, which is a decision I still find baffling.

...OK, and this is the point at which I can no longer keep my charitable composure. How fucking dare. Things were getting better for her. A meeting was arranged for us to work out our differences, in which she took every opportunity to take thiny-veiled stabs at me and I freely gave concessions in good faith that she effectively spat on.

I gave up on living in the bedroom, and she started coming out into the living room I was now occupying to yell at me. I opened our relationship after working for weeks to make myself just accept arbitrary amounts of emotional pain, and then found out that she had just gone ahead and had an affair anyway, and had no plan to tell me. I was constantly anxious and suicidal, and basically everything she did to or around me made it worse. I was open on my blog about how much I hated living at home, so she was fully aware that I was in this state and still pretends that everything was going great.

Because everything was getting better for her. I sold my soul to make things better for her, because I thought she gave a crap about me and would try to hurt me less. But such was my naivety. She clearly, fundamentally, does not care about whether my life is any good. Because she watched it unravel harder and faster than ever before and thought “Ah, yes, this means everything is getting better”. Because the only thing that matters is whether things are good for her. And, when someone who is clearly doing worse and worse eventually cuts and runs, this is “a decision [she] still find[s] baffling”. Un. Fucking. Believable. Pathological narcissism at its goddamn finest.

What I want now is not to hurt or “poison” or trap her in this situation, but to get the fucking immigration done because I made a commitment to that (and expect to be blamed if it fails), then get as far away from her as I can.

You and me both.

[whateverisbeautiful]

Richonne in Retrospect

#7: The Spark (3x12)

Okay, so this next “Clear” moment is really special. And its particularly special cuz I think it’s the first time Rick and Michonne become more consciously aware that there might be something special between them. 😊

In re-watching their moments for these analysis, I’d try to figure out when exactly were the moments when R&M were more self aware of the fact that their could be something more between them, and to me this was one of the first big moments where I feel like they both sensed a spark.

So their first stop on this run is going to the station where Rick thinks they’ll be able to find the weapons they need. However, he thought. Because the place has been swept clean and there’s not any guns there.

We then see Rick have a moment of very visible frustration that the guns are gone. Like Homeboy’s pretty ticked and you can tell he’s taking this L pretty hard.

 And I love that in contrast to Rick’s more frazzled reaction, we have Michonne who’s still cool calm and collected. I appreciate how her calm and composed nature definitely balances Rick out both throughout this scene and throughout their relationship. Especially with how distraught Rick had become after Lori, he def needs a calming presence like Michonne in his life, y’all. 💯

So Michonne walks further into the empty place and spots a single bullet. I feel like that bullet is symbolic of a small glimmer of hope. Like Rick thought there would be guns and, while that ended up not being the case, there was still this lone bullet which serves as a sign that hope is not lost.

And by Michonne picking it up she becomes associated with a more hopeful approach. Plus, it lets you know that she’s not disappointed with Rick or looking at him as a failure, she’s finding the potential in the situation.

I think her more hopeful approach is further confirmed when she calmly asks if they have any other police stations in town. Cuz as antsy and frustrated as Rick is, she’s not riled up or fretting, she’s just ready to figure out how they make this work from here.

Rick tells her how he was the police in this rather small town and as he tries to collect himself he starts talking about how there’s other places to check. He mentions how there may not be as many guns as were in here and then we see the beginning of the way they always repeat each other’s words cuz she says, “We need as many guns as were in here.”

And again, it’s not said in a challenging or upset way but more so in a way where she’s just stating the honest facts. And then, this is such a small thing, but I appreciate that he says, “Yeah we do” because he’s verbally acknowledging and agreeing with her rather than just moving onto the next thing.

Now, y’all this is where this scene gets particularly interesting lol. Cuz Rick starts to mention the other places they can find guns and Michonne is just you know listening and not doing anything to trigger him, right?

And yet, once Rick lays out his plan, he feels the need to pause and ask her, “Do you have a problem with that approach?” 🙃

 It’s hilarious to me because Homegirl did literally nothing to imply she had a problem with that approach. But this just again illustrates how Rick’s a lil sensitive when it comes to Michonne. 😋

And I love that as much as he might have wanted to sound challenging asking this, it really does come across more like he genuinely wants to know her opinion on if she thinks it’s a bad or good idea. It could have easily been asked in an aggressive way, and while he’s def on edge, there’s still this element of respect in the way he asks.

It’s interesting how after he said the guns might still be there he immediately looked to her and because she hadn’t responded right away he quickly assumed it might be because she disapproves. And to me this really showcases the damage Rick had from his last relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the flaws in Rick and Lori’s relationship were all on Lori or all one sided, but I do think that Rick got very used to constantly being questioned and misunderstood and even disapproved of from Lori and I think by asking if Michonne has a problem it’s him expecting and bracing himself for yet another person to express doubt in him.

Which is why I absolutely adore what happens next because he gets the exact opposite response. 👏🏽

Up until this point in the station, Michonne hadn’t really been looking at Rick but when she hears this, she takes a moment to quietly turn and face him and I love that she lets a little bit of silence go by as she looks right at him, almost like letting him cool off for a second.

And then in the gentlest voice she tells him, “No Rick, I don’t have a problem.”

Can I talk about why I love this real quick? Like there are so many nice layers to this moment. 🙌🏾

First; for her to match Rick’s antsy energy with such calm and composure is so great. It’s so pleasantly unexpected and it lets you know this girl knows how to carry herself like a queen. By taking this gentle approach rather than a snippy or confrontational one, she manages to diffuse the tension effortlessly.

Second; it really does feel like this is about more than just not having a problem with the approach. This is about her trying to tell Rick “I don’t have a problem in general” and she’s not his enemy.

There’s also sort of a sadness here, cuz like everyone probably thinks she has a problem but it’s her way of saying “No, I’m actually much more human and easy to get along with than people take the time to realize” and it’s such a real vulnerable moment between them. 

Three; her response is so significant cuz it lets Rick know this is different than the last woman who would doubt him and have a problem with his decisions. Here’s a woman who instead supports him and is gentle with him. Rick was totally projecting his own frustrations on her but then she softly helped calm the situation. Cuz 👸🏾.

Four; The chemistry and spark between them are just so strong once she says this. Like I get why Danai might have read this and thought there was a little something something there, cuz there def was.

And then y’all I love the shot we get of her handing him the bullet. To focus on their hands in this moment lets you know they want this moment to be emphasized and significant. This moment feels very symbolic and low key feels like it’s alluding to the imagery of exchanging rings.  

Handing him that bullet is a way for her to establish a sense of belief in him. Cuz again, even though that was the lone bullet in a place he thought would be tons of guns, there was at least something there and her handing that to him was her saying there’s still hope. It was the one slither of hope in the room and she gave it to him rather than give him disappointment or disapproval.

This passing of the bullet is also like her way of saying I’m not here to fight you; we’re on the same team. And she offers the bullet to him, he accepts, and they continue to slowly but surely accept each other from here. To me it’s also symbolic of her handing him a softer side of her that he hasn’t seen before.

It’s so clear that these two are having a moment rn and that there’s more brewing beneath the surface.

And you know who also seems to know that these two were having a moment? My boy, Carl. 😋

Like as much as I love the passing of the bullet, my favorite part about this shot is Carl in the center as he seems to be picking up on the fact that this moment is not so “platonic”.  

As young as he is, I feel like even he could sense some type of chemistry between them. Especially in the shot that follows with Carl looking from his dad to Michonne like “What’s going on here?” lol.

And I’m so here for the little look Michonne gives Rick before walking away cuz it’s like an “I see you, the real you” look and also a bit of a “Partner, let me upgrade you” look. 😂

Cuz she low key knows just how to harness his frantic energy. Like she’s like “Bruh, just wait, once you’re with me you’re going to feel a lot less crazy cuz I’m about to be your source of sanity” lol. Direct quote from Michonne’s mind, y’all. 😋👌🏽

I love that she looks at Rick with this gentle face as a reminder that this warrior has a soft welcoming side too and you know Rick took note.

Like I think this moment played a big part in helping him be more open to this woman and it definitely further intrigued him. Cuz homeboy is straight up mesmerized and can barely hide it when she walks away. 💯

Like, y’all, a lot of the build up between Rick and Michonne was fairly subtle, however Rick’s reaction as Michonne walks away wasn’t subtle at all. Watching this back I realized that it was pretty blatant that in some way shape or form this man has caught feelings. Cuz what did she do to make him have to literally pause and recollect himself? Whipped already, y’all. 😊

Like he stays watching her go and then he sort of holds the bullet like it’s gold and then stores it in his shirt pocket and then looks up to the sky and it’s just a lot, cuz that man is feeling a lot lol.

When he looks up I feel like it’s him really wondering what this moment just meant cuz it certainly wasn’t just casual. Like I think, in the beginning of their relationship, Rick was a little shook that he might be able to fall for someone so deeply so soon, but that happens with soul mates. 😌

This whole prolonged moment of his reaction to her feels very significant for the show to linger on. I feel like to spend this time on this entranced reaction is because they want to hint at something. And to me it’s hinting that Rick knows there’s a spark there. He knows it. And so does Michonne.

Like I think this was both the phase in their relationship where they started to become a bit more aware of the attraction between them and also the first time they knew they felt a significant connection. And as time goes on they’ll realize just how significant that connection is.

Overall, I really appreciate this moment for establishing a deeper kind of chemistry between R&M and the fact that, in a few seasons, he would hand her mints the same way she handed him this bullet and then Richonne would be born, it just makes this moment even sweeter. 🙌🏾😊

[bastard-man]

s13:

hi okay i kept talking in the tags on my last post so here is more about s13 predictions ig

like i said we all know den literally can't function without mac it's been proven several times in the show

CLEARLY in mac & dennis break up

& my thought is how this will affect s13

so like,,,they're lying if they're gonna try & pretend like dennis can actually cope w/o mac if anything i think he needs him more than ever rn. even if dennis miraculously developed quickly & amazingly enough 2 be a dad that doesn't change how much he depends on mac. boy couldn't live without him in s5, and he was still like, okay then? obviously none of these characters r okay but i've seen only a few ppl mention dennis in the latest seasons. consequently mac seems happier this past season especially now that he's out which is great (i mean then u have DDL & then that kinda shattered but let's not mention that rn) but like we know dennis has been like,,,ragin' a lot more & he was diagnosed in s10 & we haven't really seen him happy in awhile like compared 2 earlier seasons when he seemed more calm & happy. what he thinks he needs is to leave his old life behind but what he actually needs, probably, is the gang rn more than ever but ofc he's not gonna admit that! so he run!

there's a number of reasons why i can't see them letting den be gone for any length of time but the main one being that it just doesn't make sense? like frank said u can't just go be a dad & he was right, & even if i think dennis could be capable of that it's obvious he's getting Worse & to be away from his friends, his family rn is not gonna help that, especially when we know he would be miserable in ND which is literally essentially what he says in 10.01 when he gets off the plane. i'm not a dumbass who thinks he's a sociopath & i know he has big feelings but i still don't see this being a situation where a child is magically the thing 2 crack dennis & fix all his problems

so like, there's my argument based on just the POV of the setting. now let's go back 2 den himself. like i said it definitely seems like he's getting worse, & him admitting that he has feelings was a huge, pivotal thing for him especially to admit that to the entire gang. from there they could use that to finally get den's character to open up a lil more & not try to suppress everything which i think is essentially why he seems worse? he wants to be one way & not feel & it's affecting him as it has over the years. we also know from mac, that he's been distant w him. whether u ship them or not they have a connection that's different from all the rest. so mac senses that den is acting different& like pushing him away, & we know it's not bc he's gay cuz den always knew that. this is where theories come into play, cuz it could have to do w den's feelings & trying to push the gang away so that he can pretend everything is okay which i think is a reasonable guess, or if u wanna add another layer to that there's also been the mention of him being uncomfortable with mac being out because now he's scared of mac's feelings & his own feelings.

it could be bc of the thing b/w them, or just the different connection that they have, but mac is the only one who says anything about dennis being distant. so is he only being distant w mac, or do the others just not notice bc they're not mac? either way mac is the one who notices & he's gonna be the first one to notice things going on w dennis. den has been like on a downward spiral almost & i think the RPG & brian jr just brought that to a head, & he runs, supposedly 2 deal w the latter. (i'm sorry i'm referring 2 a fuckin baby like it's a war crime but i don't evenl like them anyway so it's fine)

like depending on how u wanna interpret it, RPG=dennis realizing how he feels about mac, or how mac feels about him, or just the fact that he was all upset about vday only 2 find out mac got him what he wanted more than anythin & it didn't even matter 2 him that there wasn't a rocket bc it was the gesture so i mean interpret that how u will but FEELINGS

& then brian jr=who he apparently knew about but only becomes a problem bc mandy all of a sudden decides 2 show up & also thinks he's someone else so i really still don't understand some of the logic behind this event but anyhow. he's like noticeably v on edge this ep bc he literally had no idea how 2 get out of it & then all of a sudden he's like wait no i don't want to, but that's not the only thing? pretending to be in a relationship w mac & mac telling him he wanted 2 fake it & raise the kid w him was obviously also adding onto that & still his response was "im not gonna PRETEND to be in a relationship w u for the entirety of my child's life" so again interpret that how u will but...obviously we know he decides 2 go raise brian jr

but he's not gonna be able to do that. not bc he's not capable. i'd like 2 point out he left everyone & everything behind including his RPG & his beloved range rover, so i mean he prob left everything at his apartment too. (i have some theories bout this but it is not the time for those) like his car. is still in philly. his decision is made essentially on a whim after a moment w his kid & like an existential crisis while his friends danced around him bc up until that point he just didn't wanna deal w it

so it could've been like a few hours b/w those scenes but it's still a pretty impulsive decision considering it's a child, a new state you don't even like, a lovely woman ur not interested in, and leaving your friends, family, job, and entire life back in philly. maybe he also thinks it'll help him w his feelings. but he's been repressing shit for at least 12 years that we've seen (we know it's been longer like prob his whole life) & noticeably been getting worse, gives a sudden revelation to his friends about his feelings, & then leaves. that's not...okay. like we know they all have trauma & ridiculously unhealthy coping mechanisms but even if u take everything else away he's not gonna be happy having suppressed all his emotions and problems & then leaving having barely dealt with them w the others at all.

especially mac, who's a huge part of this which u can't deny even if u don't ship them. now i do so like my comments are gonna sway a bit more but i think it'll still work even if u don't agree w me on that aspect. personally i think there could be some sort of parallel there about how mac has gotten happier, while dennis has been more unhappy? like mac comes out & u could even argue dennis being jealous & acting that way bc he wants 2 come out & he's been suppressing that for so long but he's still not at a place rn to do it. or even the fact that mac feels more open & free to be himself while dennis feels the complete opposite & if anything has felt like repressing things even more, while mac mentions being sensitive (12.08 hints he feels more free 2 be sensitive now that he's out & doesn't have 2 worry about being so masculine so that he won't be called gay) & dennis mentions his big feelings but he's still not rlly talking about anything bc i mean u don't really just reveal everything suddenly. so especially in that regard he definitely needs mac.

like not only bc of their connection but bc he depends so much on mac & now mac feels more open & honest & i really think den needs to be around him more, not pushing him away (which could also be why) bc he needs to see how much happier mac is & how he's changed & maybe it'll help him open up more, & if anything mac would probably be the best one for him to do that w anyway.

i'm also gonna mention my sort of views on some ways den could come back: now considering his car was still there i think it could even be possible that mac goes home to their apartment to find that dennis is still there, maybe just waiting or maybe packing, who knows. them blowing up the range rover & using the RPG without him only to find that he hadn't left yet, or at all is definitely something i could see happening (& i know this is a more serious post about den but come on i think we'd all laugh @ that) or the thing i definitely see happening is the gang talking in the bar, who knows how long it's been (maybe a day, maybe a few months) & all of a sudden dennis strolls in and says nothing, walks behind the bar & grabs a beer while the others just stop talking and stare. cue title card "dennis is back" (tbh this is one of the most realistic ones i think & i know glenn mentioned it might be funny if he just didn't come back at all but i think this is vastly more funny & in keeping w the show i mean come ON) or there's like the sad part. this again could depend on how u wanna view things. but if u look at it as dennis going on a downward spiral, only for him to kinda hit rock bottom w the RPG & brian jr. (which isn't even a theory that's literally what happened) then we know this isn't good. it's not a typical situation where they leave on good terms, or they leave happy because we know he wasn't happy. we know he initially didn't want this & isn't ready & we know he hates north dakota, & we also know it's not like he's in love w mandy or anything no matter how nice she seemed, as the person he was closest to was: mac. so it's not like he's really leaving for a better lifestyle either necessarily, because he may have mentioned envisioning himself getting married & having a kid but we saw how it went when he married someone he didn't love, and how he again was unable to function without mac, and it's obviously not how anyone plans on those things happening, & if they did have him settle down w mandy which i do not see ever happening we know he'd literally be settling.

so for him to have been going through a rough patch, to hit an extremely low point & then walk away from his friends, is not going to end well. he hit that low point & is now leaving without dealing with any of his problems because his focus is on fixing one of them: the kid, but also how he was affected by frank because he doesn't want the kid to grow up in that same way. so he thinks that's the most important issue, because he also likes to pretend he doesn't have any other ones, & thinks this is the thing he needs to deal with and everything will be fine. but he didn't deal with anything else, he's only bringing those problems with him, to north dakota, to mandy, to the kid, to his "new life." so if anything he's only gonna be more miserable and he won't even have mac there w him, who he literally depends on to function & considering he's only getting worse being w/o mac is the last thing he needs even if he thinks, or wants to believe that that's exactly what will help. idk how they're gonna deal w him being gone, if he's gone for any length of time or anything, but my point is if he's stated to be gone for months or something like that i'm pretty sure he's gonna come back at the worst we've ever seen him because he was only without mac for hours before he realized he had no idea what to do & they were only, what, a few miles away? part of all this is that he's codependent but that is most heavily dealing with mac. s5 dennis was still doing pretty okay, considering. so him not functioning without mac was just pathetic. s12 dennis has been a mess & him being without mac at arguably his lowest point is kind of scary to think about.

[sjweminem]

you said you'd be willing to give mental health advice when i asked a while ago so.... how do i handle multiple eating disorders?? i have binge-eating disorder, bulimia, anorexia nervosa, and pica..... if my anorexia gets really bad i tend to develop some symptoms of orthorexia as well and i tend to over exercise too,,,,,, a little over a year ago i was straight up so unhealthy i almost had to be hospitalized but my parents forced me to eat and had a doctor measure my vitals weekly but (1/2)

(2/3) they never actually got me treatment for how eds have affected me mentally!!! they didnt wanna spend money on sending me to the treatment center the doctor recommended for me.. ive legit never gotten any therapy help with it at all? my parents thought that if they forced me to eat id be fine once i wasnt abt to die anymore… now im just better at hiding it…. im not super skinny rn bc im currently relapsing in my binge-eating and bulimia, but i keep trying to starve myself to make up for

(3/3) ((sorry this is longer than expected)) the fact that ive been eating so much…. so my days keep going: starve myself for as long as i can, w like one small meal midday, then i get home at night and around 9-10 i just. binge eat for hours on junk food then force myself to throw some/most of it up… then i plan on working out but just end up falling asleep……. i just want to eat and live like a normal human being again i just want to be healthy.. idk what to do (ok im done sorry)

i can relate to a whole lot of this! very similar to my experience in my early-mid teens. it’s a miserable disease to live with, i’m sorry you got stuck with it too. you don’t have to be sorry for asking me for advice, there’s a reason i have the job i do currently! my response is very long (and NOT proofread.....) so it’s under the cut.

in regards to (lack of) treatment stuff- i’ve been bulimic/anorexic for 10 years, but the only time i was ever acutely treated for it was during a 2 month inpatient stay at an ED clinic when i was 14. it was in a pretty renowned hospital, MA is known for its medical care, but after my first month there, once i figured out how to do it discreetly, i was back to throwing up every day. from my experience EDs are almost impossible to get treated FOR by outside means, bc they’re so internal and are always secondary to an underlying problem. even if you’re unable to receive specific treatment for them, you may not be any worse off for it (unless you reach such a low weight or experience organ failure that requires force-feeding in a hospital). there’s not really any medication you can take to cure them yet, all we really have in terms of treatment right now are words and supervision. those usually go on for a relatively short period of time, so it can be almost irrelevant, imo.

EDs are nearly identical to addictions, and just like how an alcoholic will ALWAYS be an alcoholic, even if they’re 10 years into sobriety, EDs stick around too. it’s all about managing them and being kind to yourself, and embracing periods of health and clarity. once i ditched my end goal of never engaging in any behaviors ever again, i had a much more realistic outlook and stopped beating myself up over relapses. it’s important to understand that EDs, while they ARE a disease in themselves, are first and foremost a coping mechanism, and aren’t actually about weight or food. most of the time they’re a response to trauma or loss of control. when things get tough for me they’re one of my brain’s first responses, for instance after my knee surgery in march when the control i had over my life and progress i’d made felt ripped away, i started starving myself without being consciously aware of it. lost about 15-20 pounds. it wasn’t about my weight, i didn’t think i was fat, (even though that’s how my EDs started way back when), it was literally a means of self-medication. but i didn’t panic, bc i knew that once i tackled the circumstances that forced me back into a bad mental place, my ED symptoms would go right back into remission, and they have. i’ve probably gained back 5-10 pounds with ease.

i don’t know how long you’ve been dealing with this, and it can be hard to notice a pattern if it hasn’t been like a lifetime thing, but there might be an ebb and flow to your behaviors and symptoms like there is to mine. take some time to be introspective, really reflect on your life circumstances during periods of relapse and your worst symptoms. put thoughts of weight and body image aside for a while and think about what you really want to change, aside from what you see on the scale. maybe you feel adrift and purposeless, so you focus on this one facet of your life you can cultivate and nurture and get “good” at. maybe you’re more depressed than you realize, and food and purging is a comfort. EDs often feel like friends, and i’ve had plenty of periods throughout the years that i couldn’t IMAGINE losing them! i actually never wanted to stop starving/bingeing/purging/etc! if you feel that way it’s a definite sign that there’s something underneath it your brain is trying to cover up

while the act of engaging in disordered eating and its behaviors can’t be stopped or treated by anyone but you, talk to a professional who can help you identify and work out what’s CAUSING them. what are they hiding? what are they trying to blind you from? EDs almost feel like separate entities- they will fight to stick around, like cancer cells. they’ll try to tell you that they’re the most significant part of your life, your #1 friend AND #1 problem, bc letting you see underneath means they’re in danger of losing their hold on you.

eating disorders isolate you, they make your world very small. you’ll hide bc exposing feels like putting yourself at risk. it’s a lonely existence. but you sound like your ready to stop suffering, and by asking for advice you’re already ahead of where i am whenever i have a relapse! i flat out refuse to talk about it, i don’t want anybody to even TRY to give me advice, so this is a really good sign and i admire it. and while addressing the root cause is the way to make all the other symptoms stop, i’ve had SOME luck in minimizing certain behaviors, particularly with bulimia. being an adult means paying for my own food and it just killed me sometimes to flush that money down the toilet, so it deterred me from buying binge foods. excessive purging also took a toll on my face and i always looked puffy and my salivary glands were so swollen and painful, finally i’d have enough force myself to cut down on purging through willpower. sometimes you have little things that diminish some of that self destruction just on a day to day basis, so look out for them.

this is long and feels kinda rambly to me but….i hope you can draw something out of it, or at least feel less alone and hopeless. i’m happy to help in any way i can, and you don’t have to worry abt the subject being too heavy or triggering for me, i’m not bothered by discussing it (or….literally anything)!!

[illegiblewords]

Right now I am honestly tired as heck just out of work but I think I am figuring out a writing thing so gonna type that here.

I’m basically in the kind of :I position rn where besides on and offline responsibilities and social stuff I have:

1) A novel I am supposed to be working on through July, which is properly outlined and I feel pretty good about.

2) A fun D&D campaign that I’m :> over.

3) A new idea that hit me in the head like a sack of bricks like a day or two ago.

#3, literally it’s the second time in my life that kind of situation has happened. I don’t normally have ideas where the concept just sort of gets vomited out in a weird detailed state. But after a late af night at work apparently that was what had to happen and I ended up scribbling notes for that for like five hours into some stupid time at night/morning.

Honestly, prob some part of me had been low key preparing for that to happen. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing a thing involving multiple fantasy races (main novel isn’t about that) and then when I hit D&D that basically unclogged a bunch of concepts that had previously been mushing together and they sort of exploded out in a much more articulate way than originally planned. I can see pieces of what I’d been vaguely considering before floating around.

And now I have to deal with it. :[

One of the parts I’ve been very D: about though is cast.

Let me tell you dudes, I actually talked to a dear friend who is a pro editor about writing and she gave me some advice I try to keep in mind. That advice was to not make such ungodly huge casts.

This isn’t because I can’t make solid characters with huge casts or stories can’t be told with huge casts. It’s because I’m a goddamn crazy person and whenever I try to set up a story I end up doing horrifyingly detailed levels of worldbuilding and literally with notes of like eight generations of personal ancestry and all the social circles of every single character and then when you have casts of like 60 people that goes into the sphere of hundreds of pages of OUTLINING and it’s hard to get started. Not even fucking exaggerating. My main novel I basically have two points of view (so I’d list main cast is like two people) and less than ten significant cast members because I know I’m like this and I deliberately looked at myself in the mirror and was like NO URBAN YOU NEED TO STOP.

This novel, the original main cast size I had in mind was going to be like nine. As in, the people traveling together having an adventure was going to be be nine. I would still have had to do all the “npc” types and make backstories and motives for their asses.

I realized at some point this was excessive and did that whole look-yourself-in-the-mirror thing and went DO YOU REALLY NEED A MAIN CAST OF NINE URBAN THAT SEEMS PRETTY EXCESSIVE, and so then proceeded to look at my cast and be like “DEFEND WHY THIS PERSON NEEDS TO EXIST AND IF YOU CANNOT THEN FUCK THEM”.

Basically, self-amputation is an important part of writing my friends. It really is.

So step one, there were a series of stern conversations with myself that amounted to “DO YOU REALLY NEED A SUBTERRANEAN HALF-ELF BARD URBAN?” “Well I mean I don’t know it might raise neat questions and I have so many guys in the cast and I’d like to balance things–” “DO YOU REALLY NEED A SUBTERRANEAN HALF-ELF BARD URBAN?” “… No, not really…” “SAY HASTA LA VISTA BABY” Then rinse and repeat with a bunch of other characters.

For the record, I try to do this same process when I go shopping too. It is not always successful but I do use it. In this case I was fortunate and I succeeded in whittling the main cast down to six members, which is still big but not obscenely big.

When I was younger, I used to use tv tropes as a guide to try and help myself figure things out not going to lie. As an older and more experienced writer lady I know that tv tropes does a lot of focusing on the superficial bits of writing but not so much the reasons for those superficial bits that actually let you do important structural work. Still, I did have a look back at cast calculus to see what those were in case it gave me an idea of how to approach the issue of making dynamics and fleshing out characters and doing the pacing with a situation like this.

The answer wasn’t there. But it did help me get my fucking head together, so credit where it is due.

TV tropes talks about five man band a lot, which is basically a structure of leader, person to direct foil the leader, someone intellectual in the group, someone physical in the group, and mediator of the group. It’s not actually said that nicely, they have some admin there being a royal turd focusing on “wah the mediator has to be a gurl” instead of character dynamics. Annoying and useless for storytellers but w/e. They also talk about how sometimes you get a sixth person tacked on and usually that person is an edgelord of some kind who reforms.

Superficial stuff, not that useful. But some person made a note that made me stop and just explained the whole goddamn thing for me clearly.

The sixth person usually acts as a second foil to the leader.

Huh.

So basically, shit’s like this. I’m pretty sure I heard at some point that humans are only really able of fully comprehending numbers up to 3 at a time. It’s not that you don’t know there are bigger numbers. But like picture a bunch of dots or something, they usually break into 1′s, 2′s, or 3′s. If you imagine four it’s like 2+2 or 1+3. If you imagine five it’s like 2+3 or 1+2+2 or something. Grain of salt me on this I am not a mathematician or a scientist, but I do remember hearing this is a thing.

If you look at the way cast calculus tries to break shit down on the tv tropes website, they follow this more or less. Duos you have person A and person B contrasting their qualities, they end up bouncing off each other and creating a balance. Trios you have person A and person B with that structure but then person C is also there and is a kind of mediator role. Id (impulsive and a bit selfish)/ego (aware of reality)/superego (morality or intellect) with ego as mediator if you wanna go old psych. With groups of five, the setup is leader/right hand (contrast), then mind/body (another form of contrast, doesn’t strictly need to be that probably but it is one), then mediator.

2+2+1, or you can attach the mediator to either group of two and have 3+2.

Huuuuuuh.

So six, though. What the fuck are you supposed to do with six?

3+3 my dudes, and 2+2+2. AND, if you aren’t gonna be lazy and shallow and just blindly mimic what people have done before without understanding it (disclaimer: I have in fact been lazy and shallow and blindly mimicked what people have done before without understanding it many, many times) you gotta be able to switch the party members in each subdivision and explain where they stand with the dynamic so you don’t have any redundant bits or hiccups and all the relationships read distinct.

So basically:

Character A

Character B

Character C

Character D

Character E

Character F

You gotta be able to explain:

ABC, DEF, AB, CD, EF first. Then ABD, CEF, AD, BE, CF, and so on.

Reasons larger casts get harder, you have more shit you have to figure out with fucking math. Cut corners at this and the risk of you having two characters who are basically the same person and have a boring nonsense dynamic you don’t know what to say about goes up.

But Urban (you say as my levels of insane analytical bullshit continue to climb), haven’t people figured this shit already??? A-Archetypes happened yeah, so theoretically some older and more mathematically/instinctively gifted storytellers in the past figured some shit out. Wasn’t there a thing about the sixth person being some kind of douchecanoe edgelord? Why not just go with that and pray it sticks?

See I figured that trick out my dudes. I figured it right out. The douchecanoe is a trick. Secretly, that douchecanoe has a hole and that hole is flooded with more math.

Why do you need a douchecanoe? Well, we said earlier–usually they show up and turn out to be a second foil to the leader. So you got leader, foil A, foil B. One is gonna be mediator (probably the leader) and then each of the others will be a pole of some kind. Id, ego, superego is one way of putting it but so is idk idealist, realist, cynic. You can go a lot of routes with this. For mine I have ends justify the means, ends never justify means, and maybe both sometimes depending on the situation. It’s all foiling. And depending on who you have in which position you will have greater or lesser levels of contrast or parallel going on. I could have ABC and DEF be id, ego, superego respectively but then I try ABD and in that setup D is ego/mediator compared to A and B or something.

Basically, you have a team who is mostly pretty heroic overall, the person jumping in being either a moral extremist in some ways or being extra impulsive about what they want is a way to increase the range of morality on the whole and offer more foiling opportunities. I'd like to say though that isn't the only way to do it. If you have an asshole teammate in a group of five and then send in a sixth person, that sixth person could stand out for being really decent too. It's basically about generating a big moral contrast, especially between the leader and their direct foil.

But what about shipping? Opposites attract is one thing but isn’t birds of a feather flock together also a thing? And isn't shipping is just another form of character dynamic? What the hell does that do to all this horrible math? The thing is, opposites attract and birds of a feather flock together always, by nature, have to be trends. Not absolutes. Otherwise you get selfcest or two people with nothing to bond or relate over at all. Practically aliens. Any contrast you create between characters must also parallel in some other way and vice versatile. And ye both still work. It's good general policy to always have some level of foiling AND some level of paralleling between each pair of cast members that is distinct.

Also, as a bonus--why do people think casts of four are tricky? Basically when you are doing groups of four every single character has to be equally foiled and paralleled by every other character in some way. The balance of similarity and difference is real precise and can be a little tricky to wing.

But yeah, seven and higher cast numbers scare the hell out of me especially since they don't break evenly into subgroups within human comprehension limits. I think it's still doable but Jesus.

[notthebrightestcandleintheroom]

Story time motherfuckers!(and not a happy one either)

Earlier tonight I received an email from my best friends account. The subject line said: "I love dick". The rest said: "and I hate you."

Now I personally thought this was hilarious, my best friend sends me things somewhat like that, but I've never had her say that she hates me at all. Still, I thought it was a joke, and I responded with one word. "Dude."

The email that was sent back only said "yeah", so I sent one about my butt being numb and that I felt stupid because I can't think of anything else to put on my wish list that my mom asked for because I am a difficult person to buy gifts for. The response was odd.

"I love it way more than you."

Now, at this point, I was pretty fucking sure it wasn't my bff, but I thought it could have been her current boyfriend and her trying to prank me. They're funny little shits who I have the pleasure of working with. So I sent back an honest "I... Don't???" Because I don't love dick??? I don't care about dick?

This response tho... "Why are you still sending me shit I hate to say this over email but you are seriously annoying. Like... really annoying at times. Like I've dealt with it for so long."

I was pretty fucking sure it wasn't her. I was certain she wouldn't say that... Right? Wrong. I have had these things said to me in nightmares by her and other friends and it scared me to think that she could think that after almost 14 years of friendship. However, because of these nightmares, I had a response.

"You are always welcome to say that or anything like that over email or any other means. I know I'm annoying and I also am willing to try to change should someone tell me what I am doing wrong. I'll be completely honest tho, I wish you would have said something sooner." I felt like it was a response that would encourage her to speak to me if she honestly felt that way, and to give me some pointers on how to fix this. I was fucking weeping though, and I was trying not to let my younger sister see as well. I was so mad at myself because I had tried so hard to see if this was what she really thought and HOW COULD I MISS THAT??!

When I got the next email, I actually knew it wasn't her though. "Yeah well I felt like you wouldn't be able to take it. Sorry for just leading you on all of these years. I'm glad we barely see each other."

We?? Barely?? See?? Each?? Other?? We WORK together, I am watching HER dog rn, and we are planning on living together with her bf when we find a place. So I messaged her on FB. And she freaked out with me. And we got angrier and angrier.

So I sent another email.

"It's really interesting that you think we don't see each other since we work together and are still planning on living together. 

I don't know who this is, but if you honestly think that you could fool me into thinking this was her, you've got fewer brain cells than anyone I know. 

The first email would have been something she would have sent as a joke to me. We've got a wierd sense of humor. But you obviously don't know anything about our relationship, because we've literally spoken through any problem we've had. We talk to each other about the anxieties we feel as friends, and, considering the fact that you have purposely tried to tap into that kind of fear, I'd say you don't have any worthwhile friendships.

If you want my opinion, I believe that people like you deserve to be ignored and unloved. You meddle in other people's lives and act as if you deserve to, and for that alone, I wish you a long, lonely, and painful life. If this is B(ex-bf), I wish it double. Fuck you."

I was LIVID. Ready to MURDER. Still am actually... But there were a few more replies.

"Honestly someone who just found a computer with her logged in. You sound like a good friend. Although those were harsh words, I hope you have a good life." And I was like what the fuck??!! Nope. No one random would just know about our situation here.

My last email to them was "That email is a school email. We've been out of high school since 2017, and I plan on sending them to the school. And again, should this be B, your parents would find out too. I don't screw around about my friends. Should this be someone else I know, I will be taking similar actions. I will spread this as far as I can. 

And you deserve many more harsh words. What you said matched up to fears I've had since I was 7. It's the entire reason I didn't leave L(VERY bad friend) as a friend until much too late. You are a horrible person."

I am still very fucking angry. I want everyone to know who did this, and as soon as we find out, I am going to spread this shit every where. I am going to tell everyone how this fear was stuck in my head before I was 8 and how this shithole person tried to use me to hurt a friend who has stuck with me through more than my own family. I want this person's head. I want the right persons head. any tips on how to ruin their life further once we find out who it is? Because I am willing to do almost anything that screws with them and does minimal damage to their family. Unless their family is terrible.

Let's fuck 'em up together.

[firebirdsdaughter]

Special Valentines Day Post...

... Zi-O 22 subbed.

Okay, maybe special in name only.

... I’m kinda scared, actually.

In no order:

GTFO Kuro Woz, I’m mad at you right now.

Poor Sougo gets Rider Kicked out of the Mirror World. Poor baby. DX

GEIZ! HONEY! BABY! You’re fine, stop it! God, why are you like this? I mean, I love you, but... Honey. Stop. Tsukuyomi, smack him. Actually don’t, that wouldn’t help.

God he’s so dramatic, though. I mean, it’s Geiz. Can’t do anything by halves here.

Okay. Wow. That was... Actually kinda a jerk thing to say, Tsukuyomi. Talk about not helpful. So he was wangsting a little, you didn’t have to go there.

Like, Geiz is upset bc he was looking at things purely as a, well, soldier, and briefly considered going through w/ Shiro Woz’s idea to stop the attacks and other people getting hurt, and is clearly being like ‘I’m such a terrible person for this.’ He expresses this to Tsukuyomi, and her response is ‘Yeah, Sougo didn’t even think about it.’ Like... I’m sorry, what? He’s clearly hurting over this already and all you say is basically imply ‘yeah, you’re not as good as Sougo’???? I will totally buy that she didn’t actually mean it that way, but that was very much how it sounded. You really couldn’t say something like ‘Sure, maybe you thought about it, but you didn't go through w/ it, why don’t you consider that?’ Man, no wonder he’d turned away from her when they camerawomen pulled back...

And then she just follows it up w/ asking about if he thinks Sougo will become Puma Zi-O. Tsukuyomi, how about comforting your friend a little? You’ve apparently got enough compassion to save the life of the person who murders your father in the future, but you can’t be bothered to show any for someone who is allegedly your childhood friend? Sweetie, I love you, really, but... Really?

Especially since it’s immediately followed by Ryuga attacking someone else. Like... Yes, I don’t agree w/ Shiro Woz’s plan, it probably wouldn’t work and sacrificing an innocent person is never a good course. But I can totally understand Geiz, esp given his background, thinking about it, given the circumstances (since there’s apparently no other way to beat Ryuga w/out a Kamikaze attack). He deserved a better response than essentially being told Sougo was a better person.

Again, I absolutely want to think she didn’t mean it that way. But that was what it sounded like to me.

Speaking of Sougo... Eh, he’s fine.

Alright, I may been a little annoyed at Tsukuyomi rn, but her and Geiz’s reactions in this scene remain gold.

Geiz just closing his eyes like ‘someone please shoot me...’

Also, the urge to punch something is just emanating from him in waves...

Sougo’s just lying there giggling like ‘whelp, no way out of this one...’

I... I thought you guys established this in the previous ep...

Oh, I’m sorry Tsukuyomi, you care now? Okay, okay. I’m being overly critical, I know. That earlier scene just really hit a nerve for me.

Sou is really cute, and also really good at the ‘sad puppy’ kind of look.

Geiz teleports to the front door again.

THANK YOU SOUGO. See? THAT’S a good response, Tsukuyomi. Not something that’s basically a guilt-trip. You want to mention it after, fine. It’s something to consider in the ‘will Sougo become Puma Zi-O’ brainstorming, absolutely. But you could’ve at least tried to reassure him a bit first, so it doesn’t, you know, come across as you telling him he’s a bad person compared to Sougo.

Again, I’m really sorry for going on about this one little thing. Like I said, hit a nerve.

Has Sougo tried to sacrifice himself at this point? Like, I don’t doubt he would, but... I guess she’s just saying theoretically? Or she’s referring to the ‘take me out if I go evil thing?’

Oh, wait, I guess he did try to kill his future self. I don’t know if that counts, though.

This is sweet and all, Tsukuyomi, but I’m still mad about what you said to Geiz.

I think ‘subjects’ is just gonna be Sougo’s little cute-though-also-obnoxious personal tic...

Now really starting to wonder if the ‘reason’ Sougo becomes Puma Zi-O was just... Always destined to be tied to Geiz somehow? I have wild and unlikely theories, but...

Angry puppy is yelling at sad puppy.

Seriously, as long as it’s also Sou I can’t feel threatened by Mirror¡Sougo.

Still trying to get used to Shiro Woz.

So... Did he write that, or... Did it appear? If you wrote it... Well, like I said. He’s strangely tolerable for this episode.

Oh, yeah, and:

WAGA KYUURANGERS.

Make up your mind, dude. Are you for helping, or not?

I still say bring back Woz.5.

Well... Technically he’s Kamen Rider Ryuki... Was... You know what, not gonna go into it. I already spoiled Ryuki up the wazoo in my Raw post.

I’m not even listening, I’m just watching him make the Shinji faces. XD

dude, it’s literally an evil, warped version of you. I’ve met the real you, he’s a sweetheart. Even Ron liked him. And Ron didn’t like anyone.

I love how every time we see this fight now, it’s just Geiz sitting down somewhere watching Shiro Woz get blasted. Which is a valid pastime.

Puppy debate! ^^

Mirror¡Sougo has the cutest ‘evilly confused’ face ever.

Still hoping for the thing to be that being a king doesn’t necessarily mean ‘ruling over’ people? If that makes sense? Like, he could be called the ‘King of Time’ bc he’s got powers over time, and it’s cool, rather than ruling it? Like, and I know many people didn’t like it, but, the way Daigo was nicknamed ‘King’ in Kyoryuger? He wasn’t a ‘king’ King, but he got called ‘king.’ If that makes any sense whatsoever.

 See, I definitely believe she cares about him very much, but she really choose her words poorly in that scene, and I feel like she should apologise for that. Just a ‘I wasn’t trying to imply you were a bad person or Sougo was better than you, I was just considering what this meant for him in regards to Puma Zi-O.’

Aaaagh! There I go again! Man, that one line just really got under my skin somehow...

Love how it does, like, a little laser-pointer effect.

WAGA KYUURANGERS.

In my defence, I wrote the most recent chapters of It Is The Clock’s Pendulum before this episode came out.

This scene is very serious, and heartbreaking, and sad. Geiz is my favourite.

...

I am losing it at Another Ryuga just chilling over by the tree.

Shiro Woz.exe has stopped functioning.

Weird sound effects when Sougo shows up???

Still wish they coulda given him more of a reaction. He does kinda do the sad puppy look, I suppose. Still.

Also wish Tsukuyomi could have had a better response to Geiz earlier... Can I just pretend those things happened?

How did he see the future? Did he just... Turn into Zi-O II on the way over? What does that even MEAN?

Sougo: ‘Fuck this timeline!’

The brief Woz-Fight is still funny. during this episode, I’d actually prefer that Shiro Woz win. But just for this episode.

I would always prefer that Woz.5 win.

I love how Geiz just... Doesn’t deHenshin. Like, He and Tsukuyomi are trying to follow this battle, but he just... Refuses to drop his transformation. For whatever reason.

Seriously? Your sword has your face on it and it compliments you? Who made these?

Yeah, Geiz is just literally blaming himself here. What do you mean ‘this time’ though? I guess... You mean all the times it was Woz? I actually think we can totally blame this on Woz, too. Though the Kamikaze stuff might have been a trigger, I’ll admit.

No, wait. What am I saying. This is obviously Decade’s fault.

The fact that it literally is is the best part.

Tsukuyomi, would it kill you to not let Geiz blame himself for everything this episode? -_-

Though I guess this is the ‘Tsukuyomi is suddenly weirdly angry’ scene...

Like... I’m really starting to think this is personal. I guess this is the power he used to kill her father? Pity we never brought that up before.

Though now that I think about it, that could be it. Puma Zi-O did use some sort of time-stop-manipulation ability when he dusted Dad, so that might be why she’s reacting like this.

Geiz, on the other hand, is really unsure.

Tsukuyomi, are you really that shocked that people have darker sides to them? You never met Kisaragi Gentaro, you have no excuse for (apparently) assuming Sougo has no traits that would ever lead to him becoming Puma Zi-O in some way.

Though I am admittedly not clear on what exactly those traits were... I guess his habit of being wily and the fact that wanting to be ‘king’ comes w/ wanting power? So... Ambition is evil here? I dunno.

I guess it’s all or nothing w/ Tsukuyomi. Though she could specifically be referring to ‘We have to actually decide whether or not we’re gonna kill him’ rather than saying ‘we should kill him.’ TV show cliffhanger tactic, make everything round more threatening than it actually is.

It’d be interesting if she and Geiz do switch up, though. Bc he’s the one who was super black and white (no references to any Wozes intended) about it at the start. ‘If I even think you’re going to turn into Puma Zi-O, I’m taking you out,’ and how quick he was to go for it in the Genm arc. But here... He seems really uncertain still (probably not helped by the fact that Sougo did this to save his life), while for Tsukuyomi, a line has clearly been crossed. It’d be an interesting way to twist things up if they do go that way.

Oh, yeah, and the two times Tsukuyomi talks at the camera this ep are still creepy.

I’m winder if the look Geiz just gave her was meant to be a ‘wtf?’ look. Bc it kinda looks like one? It also could be something else, I dunno. Maybe he’s just looking serious.

SHUT UP KURO WOZ.

I love how we don’t even see him, Kamen Rider Kikaider just freaking steals the shot.

Also, hi Kikaider!

Why is he punching me, though?

Freaking Zi-O II Watch is freaking huge in the end cap.

Kamen Rider Zi-O takes notes from LuPat and only schedules this actor for two episodes.

Man, he’s very good looking, though. Even in that outfit. Bet he uses the wrench to transform.

The fact that this ep ended w/ Tsukuyomi, of all people, apparently saying they need to kill Sougo (like I said, could just be a cliffhanger scare-tactic), then it goes to the preview of Sougo running around w/ some sort of ‘studying’ bandana on (I assume it’s studying bc the summary said he’s cramming for finals, essentially. Or midterms.) talking to some dude in a yellow turtle neck and a denim jacket that’s just a little too short. Whiplash.

Oh, wow, he’s from 2121? So that makes him the first/only future Rider we’ve had that’s from after the year that Geiz, Tsukuyomi, and the Wozes come from (in any timeline)!

Also interesting, bc it means he definitely won’t be around in any way in 2019. Not even as a baby.

Oh, hey, Sworz. I... Honestly almost forgot about you. Sorry!

This preview is trying to make me think the boys are competing, and I refuse to accept it until proven.

Or if it is, maybe it’s friendly. Or maybe it’s just ‘let’s both fight this thing, and, I dunno, one of us can take it down.’

My guess is Sworz is talking to Shiro Woz, but my knee-jerk reaction was ‘no, I don’t want to play a game w/ you.’

That’s all, folks! Virtual pond cake for anyone who read all that.

Anyway, I’m sorry I had such a reaction to that one line (well, two, kinda) of Tsukuyomi’s. It reminded me of a bad experience I had once and just really got on my nerves. I promise I still love her, and I know she does care about Geiz. I think some of her reaction to the Zi-O II power may have been bc of (well, I at least presume he was) her father? Bc remember, Puma Zi-O used the time powers to vaporise everyone, and he pushed her into the trench to protect her? So this may be her being like ‘I want to believe in him, but that’s the power that I literally watched kill my father, so now I’m freaking out.’ Also, it’s a beloved style of cliffhanger for any sort of tv show to make things sound more threatening than they really are. I dunno if Toei even remembers that (WHO IN TIME IS GOGGLES THE DEAD PERSON?), but that’s my initial thought.

Geiz looks super unsure, though? Like I think a line was crossed w/ Tsukuyomi now, but the line started crossed w/ Geiz. And I feel like it’s been getting... Uncrossed? Like, he started this so certain of what he needed to do and what was going to happen (I still think his plan was to go back, do it as quickly as possible, then get out before he had a chance to think about the fact that 2018 Sougo was still technically innocent, bc he knew he’d be too conflicted if he did), but he’s been steadily becoming less convinced of it? So, like, even now, he’s the one who’s still thinking they can still change things? Oh, well. We’ll see.

Special treat for anyone who actually read all this way (or just skipped to the bottom; in that case don’t read any further! No JK, you’re fine, I ramble a lot, I’m sorry), is a random concept/theory I had: What if Sougo’s recurring dreams when time is ‘altered’ (Shinobi, and now Kikaider no I will not stop) indicate that he’s somehow... Super connected to time? Like... If it were electricity, he’d be a conductor, or something? But then, like, Geiz and Tsukuyomi aren’t like that, but they’re like... ‘Anchors.’ Like, there are people who are sensitive to time, and kind of ‘flow’ w/ it, but then there anchors who keep them/it moored/grounded or something? Feel like this was a thing in Den-O, but I don’t remember the details. But, like the reason Sougo is able to get all these ‘time powers’ is bc he’s so sensitive to it? But it also means that it’s really easy for him to get... I dunno, absorbed by the time flow? And, like, Anchors can’t get all the wild powers, but they also are either impossible or significantly more resilient to the time flow? So, like... The wouldn’t get erased/absorbed (at least, not right away/as fast) if they like... Fell into the time stream? Augh! I’m bad at explaining. Point is, Sougo nearly gets absorbed into time stream, but the other two pull him back bc they’re anchors and they ground him in a particular time/location/time plane.

I don’t think that made any sense.