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asahicore · 1 year ago

Text

real me, real you - psh

pairing. sunghoon x fem!reader (ft. jay... sorry)

synopsis. You’re your school’s popular pretty smart girl, but with a twist - you lead a completely different life at home, where you are messy, lazy and foul-mouthed. Only your family and best friend Sumin know about this, until Park Sunghoon, of all people, finds out. The resident cold and arrogant heartbreaker of your school decides to blackmail you into doing his biddings - but you can’t say no, not even when he asks you to be his fake girlfriend, otherwise he’ll ruin your reputation. But as you and Sunghoon get closer, you realize that maybe he’s not so bad after all, and you may be more similar than you'd originally though - all while your old childhood friend Jay watches from the sidelines.

genre. fake dating, high school au, very slight love triangle action, fluff and angst

warnings. this is the first thing i ever wrote so there may be slightly cringe and awkward things but i didn't wanna change anything lol, hoon is a meanie at some point and everything is dramatic and very fanfic-y, mild childhood trauma for both of them <3

word count. 22.9k

author's note. @end-hyphen genie this one is for you... i hope you still like this fic after all this time lol ! as i said in the warnings i only changed a few typos and punctuation from the original but i decided to not make any major changes bc i think it's nice to see what my writing was like when i had just started out!! hopefully i've improved lol, also this was not inspired by true beauty!! i've never seen the show nor read the webtoon. i was inspired by two mangas called switch girl and kare kano (or his and her circumstances) which have this plot of a girl being two different people at school and at home. anyways hope u guys enjoy this and if u do pls lmk <333

Nobody was supposed to find out.

You were the most popular girl in school, known for your looks, good grades, and kind personality. You had a nice group of friends and the whole school at your feet, students and staff alike. As the student representative, you had an image to keep up and needed everyone to think you were perfect; and they did. So you always wore a smile on your face, kept your head up and made sure your uniform was creaseless, all while maintaining the highest scores in your year. Always being friendly to your peers and helping them out prevented anyone from thinking you were a stuck-up goody-two-shoes. You made high school look like a breeze.

But such a life didn’t exist. Who was happy waking up at 6 a.m. every day and dedicating all of their time to schoolwork and student life? You certainly weren’t. What you thrived off of was having everyone think you were. Hearing whispers in the corridor of, “She’s so pulled together!” or “I wish I had her life”, now, those skyrocketed you to heaven. The cherry on top was a nod of approval from a teacher or an “outstanding job again, Y/N” as they handed you back your graded paper. Your favorite color had become the red of the pens your teachers used to write A+ at the top of the page.

You’d always been academically gifted, but as you heard those words more and more, you’d started craving them and doing everything to hear them again until they started controlling you instead of the other way around. Everything you did needed to be perfect. And that was how you had created this persona of the perfect girl who had it all together at the ripe age of 17. But that’s exactly what it was; a persona.

As soon as you stepped off the bus and waved goodbye to your friends, you became another person. Or more accurately, you reverted back to your natural self. You weren’t an evil person by any means; it wasn’t your intention to actively deceive everyone at school, it was more of a side effect of keeping up appearances. Only your family and your closest friend Sumin knew what you were truly like: greedy, messy, short-tempered, self-centered, and sometimes downright insufferable. Your younger siblings, Sunoo and Yeeun, liked to joke that you had a button you switched on and off whenever you left the house. When on, you were the sweetest girl ever, but when off, all your vices crept up and let themselves known to the world, or rather to your family. You didn’t mean to make them suffer, but after a long day of being perfect, you needed to blow off some steam; if they had to be your metaphorical punching bag, so be it.

When Sunoo entered high school, you made him swear he wouldn’t say a thing to anyone. You trusted him and knew he wouldn’t let your secret out - it was too entertaining for him to see you act perfect at school and reveal your true self at home. There was no risk of anyone finding out - you were so intent on keeping the act up that nothing ever slipped you. It had been that way since middle school, and your senior year of high school was going to be no different.

Nobody was supposed to find out, so what was Park Sunghoon doing right in front of you in the frozen aisle of the corner convenience store, just when you happened to be bare-faced, with thick glasses on and a pimple bright red from just having been popped, in your comfiest pajamas, and a tub of Ben & Jerry’s in hand?

“Kim Y/N? Y/N, is that you?”

You froze in place, not knowing how to react. There was no way this, your worst nightmare, was actually happening.

When you regained your senses, flight seemed the best way out of this. You avoided Sunghoon’s curious gaze and curtly replied, “No, sorry, I don’t know who that is,” before walking away, iron grip on the ice cream.

But the boy was quicker than you and grabbed you by the wrist, forcing you to turn around. “It is you! Come on, Y/N, aren’t we friends? Do you not recognize me or something?”

If it wasn’t for the panic coursing through your veins at that moment, you might’ve laughed at his question. How could you not recognize the Park Sunghoon? Along with Park Jongseong and Sim Jaeyun, or Jay and Jake as they liked to be called, he was only the most popular guy in your year - hell, in the whole school. The three of them had gained attention from freshman year as the three handsome soccer players. Jake and Sunghoon had been attached at the hip since kindergarten, Jay joining them sometime in middle school when he came back from his year abroad in Seattle.

Your parents and Jay’s had been college best friends and you two had therefore grown up together, and even used to be quite close. You’d grown apart when he joined Jake and Sunghoon’s friend group, and although you still got on well, there was always a bit of an awkward atmosphere when you caught up with each other.

The three friends had quite different personalities but their complicity and shared history made them stick together. Jake was known for his academic achievements, rivaling yours, and his friendly personality; Jay, for his surprisingly funny antics once you got past the somewhat menacing appearance (which he blames on his resting bitch face). Sunghoon, on the other hand, was as cold as ice, so much that he’d earned the nickname of ice prince, but girls continued to swoon over him due to his incredibly handsome features. When turning down girls, Jake and Jay always tried to let them down gently, but Sunghoon wasn’t one to hold back: he’d laugh in their face or straight up say no, staring them right in the eyes. Most confessions ended in tears (not his, obviously), but girls kept on testing their luck, thinking they might be the one to melt the ice prince’s cold, dead heart.

Clearly, you weren’t Sunghoon’s biggest fan.

His behavior had always made you wonder why Jay and Jake were friends with a person like him. They went back a long time, but how did Sunghoon not become a nice and approachable person like his two best friends? They both seemed so genuine, but he looked like he was hiding something. This was what had made you weary of him; you knew all too well how easily an image that was the opposite of reality could be created. So on one hand, you sort of felt for him, thinking he might be in a similar situation as you. But on the other hand, you couldn’t help but feel some kind of jealousy: if you acted the way he did, you wouldn’t receive half the admiration you did. Hell, you’d probably be hated for it - no one likes a girl that’s both successful and bitchy about it.

One thing was sure, though, and that was that you wouldn’t call the two of you friends, as he just had.

“Y/N? You okay?”

The pure panic in your eyes must’ve made Sunghoon realize something was wrong. He released you and looked you up and down, trying to take your appearance in. The Y/N he was seeing right then was worlds away from the one he was accustomed to at school.

You realized there was no ignoring him, so you collected yourself and faced Sunghoon. “Uh, yeah, hi, Sunghoon. Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting to see anyone I knew here.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, no wonder. You look quite… different from what you usually do,” he said, voice laced with sarcasm.

This whole situation got you dumbfounded. You usually knew exactly what to retort when somebody messed with you, your friend or a classmate, but this time, you were completely speechless. You just wanted to escape.

“Well, it was nice seeing you Sunghoon, but I need to get home.” You pivoted on your heels and started walking again, but Sunghoon had other plans.

“Aw, come on, so quickly? We barely got to chat!” He followed you through the aisles as you picked up the remaining ingredients on the list your mother had given you as quickly as you could.

“I didn’t know you needed glasses. Do you wear lenses at school?”

“Yes. I need them to see.”

“I figured.” You could hear the smirk in his voice, and your shock was slowly morphing into anger. Were teenage girls so blind that they’d have a crush on someone with such an abominable personality, no matter how angelic his face was?

“I really like your outfit, by the way. Looks super comfy.” And as if your embarrassment couldn’t grow any bigger, he added: “Too bad you got a stain on the shirt.”

You looked down at yourself and noticed a huge grease stain on the collar of your shirt. Admittedly, you didn’t always have the best table manners.

You swore under your breath. It was quiet for a couple minutes as you arrived at the register and paid for your items, Sunghoon still on your tail. He had apparently given up his purchases to focus solely on tormenting you. When you walked out of the store, you thought he might finally be done. But of course, he wasn’t.

“You know, my sister has this really effective pimple cream she uses. Do you want me to ask her what brand it is?”

That was it. You sighed deeply. “Alright, Park. What do you want?”

When you turned to face him fully, arms crossing over your chest and an obviously tired expression on your face, the mischievous glint in his eyes made you realize something. That idiot was enjoying this.

Indeed, he beamed down at you. You had probably never seen him smiling so widely. “Wow, Y/N, didn’t know you could have such an attitude.”

You stayed silent and continued staring at him, waiting for an answer. He mirrored your pose, out of instinct or to irritate you, you weren’t sure.

“You know, when I moved to this neighborhood before the start of school, I was definitely not expecting to see Perfect Miss Y/N out in her pajamas buying ice cream. I thought you were more into, I don’t know, rescuing puppies from fires or something. That sounds like something you’d do in your free time.”

“Well, is there anything wrong with what I’m doing?”

“Oh, absolutely not! Just a surprising sight. Makes me wonder what the rest of the school would say…” He looked intently at you, clearly waiting for a reaction. You weren’t about to give him one, though.

You chuckled and rolled your eyes, shifting your weight on your right foot. “Yeah, like anyone would believe you if you said you saw me looking anything else other than perfect.” It might’ve sounded arrogant, but that was the image people had of you. Even your friends asked you how you did it - if only they knew the truth.

At that, his smile got even brighter. “Don’t worry about that, I won’t need to tell anyone. I’ll just show them!” He pulled out his phone, showing you a picture of you in your god-awful pajamas searching for your favorite flavor of ice cream.

He watched as your face fell, taking your silence as an opportunity to go on. “You were so engrossed in the tubs of ice cream that you didn’t notice a dashingly handsome and tall young man very obviously taking pictures of you.”

This put you into panic mode again. It might have seemed foolish, but you hadn’t worked for years to create a perfect version of yourself only for a stupid boy to destroy it all with one picture.

You sighed and lowered your head, taking a moment to think. You didn’t know Sunghoon that well, but you didn’t put it past him to send that picture to everyone and ruin your image in the process. You opted for honesty instead of bluff. You took your glasses off and looked back up at him; even if you couldn’t see him as well without them, maybe he’d see the despair in your eyes better.

“Park. I mean, Sunghoon. You can’t show that picture to anyone, okay? You have no idea how bad I need to keep up appearances. It’s really important to me, so just delete the picture and let’s never talk about this again, yeah?”

You tried smiling at him, but his expression infuriated you. You could tell he had something else up his sleeve. “Now, Y/N, why would I do that? If I’m gonna do something for you, you should do something for me.”

You weren’t sure if you wanted to hear the rest of his thoughts, but you needed to know. Eyeing him suspiciously, you told him to go on.

“Well, I can’t think of anything right now, but I’ll let you know when I do, okay? I’ll see you around, Y/N.” He flashed another one of his smiles, patted your head, and walked away, just like that, leaving you standing outside the convenience store on your own, a melting tub of ice cream in your plastic bag. At least for now, you were safe.

Right?

—

“You saw Park Sunghoon? As in, the Park Sunghoon?” your little sister Yeeun asked, looking at you with huge eyes. You two and Sunoo were sitting on your bed, sharing the ice cream by eating it directly from the tub.

“Yes, that’s literally what I’ve been saying this whole time. How do you know him anyway? You’re still in middle school…”

“Are you crazy? He’s famous in our whole school district! I wish we had cute boys in my school as well,” she sulked, pouting.

“That’s not the point, Yeeun,” Sunoo chimed in, then turned to you. “Well, this is either bad news or the start of a beautiful romance.”

“Sunoo! Take this seriously! I’m in a huge dilemma right now.”

Your siblings shared a knowing glance and snickered.

“Hey! I’m right here. I’m not overreacting, you know. If he does send those pictures around, I’m done for.”

“Oh, come on, Y/N, you’d be so much better off if you could be yourself at school. I see you there almost everyday, and the way you laugh always sounds so fake. Nobody would care if you forgot to put makeup on one day or had a crease in your shirt. If anything, it’d make you look more human.”

You could see where Sunoo was coming from, but you chose to ignore it. You sighed deeply. “You guys just don’t get it. They all see me as this perfect, put-together girl. If I showed them even a glimpse of the truth, everything would shatter. It’s too late to go back now.” You ignored their pitying looks and took another big spoonful of ice cream.

It was their turn to sigh. As always, it was impossible to reason with you. Deep in your thoughts, you added: “You know, there was something really off about him today. I’d never seen him act that way before.”

Your siblings looked at you questioningly. “He’s always so cold and distant towards everyone. I’ve only seen him smile when he’s laughing with Jake and Jay or when he makes fun of someone. But just now, he kept smiling at me like he was having fun. He even patted my head when he left.”

At that, Yeeun swooned dramatically, hands over her heart. You looked over at her and said, “I’d be swooning too if it was any other guy than Park Sunghoon. I’m more confused than anything right now, he was a completely different person from when I see him at school.”

They exchanged another look. “You guys stop doing that!”

“Well, it’s just that that sounds an awful lot like someone I know,” Sunoo replied. Realization hit you and you scoffed, mildly offended. At least you were nice to others at school and didn’t act like an asshole with a superiority complex.

“Anyway,” he continued, “what will you do about Sunghoon?”

“I’m not too sure. I guess all I can do is wait and see whatever it is he could want from me.”

“Yeah, do that, and then date him, please. If I can’t have him as my boyfriend, then I’ll have him as my brother-in-law,” Yeeun joked. You didn’t have it in you to retort anything back and started laughing along with her.

If everything did shatter, at least you’d have your siblings to make you laugh.

—

The next day, you made your way to the bus stop after your daily morning routine: jogging, showering, eating a filling breakfast, choosing the perfect accessories for your school uniform, applying just the right amount of makeup and going over your subjects and tasks of the day. As always, efficiency is the key. You had become so used to this routine that your body did it on its own, which let your mind wander wherever it pleased. Usually, you’d use this time to prepare yourself for the day ahead, but today, the only thing on your mind was Park Sunghoon. What was that boy up to? Was he up to anything, or did you completely imagine his mischievousness yesterday? In any case, you hoped it would all be over soon.

You got on the bus and sat down next to Sumin. Your close friend group at school consisted of her, Park Sieun, Lee Heeseung and Choi Jiung, but she was the only one who knew about your secret. You had been friends for so long that you hadn’t even been able to hide it: she’d seen you from all angles, both before, during and after your transformation to who you were now. It was nice having someone else than your siblings to rely on and tell everything to.

“Minie, you’ll never guess what happened yesterday. I ran into Park Sunghoon at the convenience store next to our apartment unit.”

She raised her eyebrows in surprise, but her reaction wasn’t as big as you thought it’d be. She smiled and said, “Huh! I knew he’d moved to our neighborhood, but I wouldn’t have thought he’d live so close to you that you’d even shop at the same place.”

She registered your confused expression and continued. “Didn’t you hear? He moved out of his parents’ house at the end of summer. Something about a huge fight with them that made him move out. But there are always so many rumors about him and his group that I don’t know what to believe.”

“Oh,” you mumbled, unsure what to say. Now that you thought about it, Sunghoon had mentioned moving in your conversation yesterday, but you were so preoccupied with him seeing you in your wild state that you hadn’t paid much attention to his comment.

“Wait, did he do something? Your face is telling me he did something.”

You got closer to her face and gestured for her to do the same. With lowered heads and in hushed tones, you said, “He saw me on off-mode.”

She gasped and jolted back in surprise, eyes wide and eyebrows shooting straight up. “What?”

You shushed her and pulled her in by her shoulders. “He even took pictures.” Your grip tight, you held her from jumping again. “That’s not even it. You know how he's always really cold and distant?”

“You mean how he’s always being a douchebag?” She scoffed. “Yeah, I know.”

You remembered that Sumin had been one of the first of many girls who shot their shot with Park Sunghoon, only to get rejected. You both grimaced at the memory that always left a bad taste in your mouth.

“He was completely different yesterday. Kept following me around the store and, I’m not sure, teasing me? Like trying to get a reaction out of me? In a weird half-friendly half-bully way.”

“Hm, you’re right, that doesn’t sound like him,” she mused. “It does sound like a stupid teenage boy though, which I guess he is, no matter how hard he tries to pretend he’s not.”

This is what you loved about Sumin. She could see right through people, and never hesitated to say what she thought of them, especially when they acted the way Sunghoon did. Sure, there were some personal feelings attached there, but she had quickly gotten over them when she realized how much of a douche he was towards everyone else.

When the bus stopped to pick up some more students, Heeseung hopped on. You quickly told Sumin to keep it a secret, at which she smiled and made a motion as if zipping her lips and throwing the key. If you told your friends about Sunghoon, you’d have to tell them the truth about how he had dirt on you, but you wanted to keep your friendship clean. You chatted the rest of the bus ride away and tried not to worry over Park Sunghoon too much.

When you finally got to school, you, Heeseung, and Sumin made your way to your classroom to join Jiung and Sieun. Before you could get there, however, Jungwon, an underclassman you had talked to a couple times for student council meetings, called out your name. You told your friends to go on without you and turned to the younger boy.

“Jungwon! Hi, what’s up?”

He seemed flattered that you had remembered his name but quickly got on with his business. “Um, I’m not sure why, but Sunghoon told me to come and get you? I’ve never talked to him, I think he just picked me randomly and assigned me a task…”

You sighed. Park Sunghoon truly was something. “Thanks for telling me, Jungwon. I’ll make sure he gets an earful for this, he has no right to boss students around like that.”

Jungwon’s eyes doubled in size as he frantically waved his hands in dismissal. “No! No need to do that, I don’t want to get in trouble with him. I’m just here to relay the message.” At that, he scurried off, and you headed towards Sunghoon’s homeroom.

When you walked in, a few people were in the room, some girls gossiping with each other, a couple students doing some last-minute revision for a test. You found Sunghoon sitting at his desk, snickering with Jay and Jake and hoped that the subject of their laughter wasn’t you. They noticed you approaching and the two decent boys greeted you; the other one eyed you, that mischievous glint back in his eyes. What could he possibly have in mind?

“Hi, guys.” You smiled at Jay and Jake and reflexively stood closer to Jay. “Sunghoon, Jungwon said you wanted to see me?” you asked, trying to keep your impatience at bay.

“Oh, was that his name? Well, thank heavens for him, ‘cause I forgot my lunch at home. Would you be a sweetheart and go buy me something at the cafeteria? You know how everything runs out as soon as lunch period starts, and I get really cranky when I’m hungry.”

You stared at him, wide-eyed. His two friends’ reaction wasn’t very different from yours. Go buy him lunch? That’s what he wanted you to do?

“What? You don’t want to? That’s too bad, cause there’s a picture I think everybo-”

You cut him off before he could finish. “No! Of course I’ll do it! Can’t have our star player go hungry, now can we?” You cringed at your own words and Jay eyed you suspiciously. Sunghoon beamed, and Jake’s eyes darted back and forth between the two of you in pure confusion. “Um, any preferences?”

His smile got wider. “A tuna mayo would be amazing. Thanks, Y/N! You’re the best!”

“Sure…” you mumbled and quickly walked away, more bemused than ever. You checked your watch. You had 10 minutes before the first bell rang, and you could not be late for class, which meant you needed to hurry.

You got back to Sunghoon’s classroom just a minute before the first bell. To your dismay, the class was almost full, and girls had gathered around him, trying to get his attention, but he seemed unbothered by their presence. You braced yourself and walked towards him. As your presence rarely went by unnoticed, most eyes were on you and Sunghoon. Not only were you two some of the most popular kids in school, you also happened to be handing him his lunch, a never-seen-before sight between the two of you.

“I also got you banana milk, for good measure…”

What had seemed like a great idea a few minutes ago, something to appease the devil in him, now felt like the biggest mistake of your life. The girls around him started whispering left and right and you weren’t sure whether they felt bad for you, sensing an incoming rejection, or wanted to tear you to shreds for even trying.

The whispers grew even louder when Sunghoon took the sandwich and milk from your hands, thanking you with a smile. You’d be lying if you said your heart hadn’t done a small jump in your chest at that moment. As much as you hated to admit it, if looks were the sole factor for popularity, then you could definitely understand why Park Sunghoon was so loved. His face looked like it had been carved by the gods themselves. When his eyebrows weren’t turned in a frown, his eyes looked almost sweet, especially when he laughed. His two moles gave him so much charm, the curve of his nose was so delicate and his pink lips looked so, so soft…

You cleared your throat and smiled back at him before turning around to walk to your own classroom.

“Wait, Y/N!”

You turned back around, all eyes on you. You could feel Jay’s eyes burning holes into you. Sunghoon was still smiling. You thought you’d seen him smile more in the past two days than you had in all the years you’d known him.

“I’ll see you later.”

—

And indeed see him later you did. You always hung back a bit after classes ended to get homework done or work out student council issues. Being in an empty classroom brought you some peace and quiet, very different from the busyness and noise of your home. You couldn’t even focus in your own room, your siblings or parents always barging in to disturb you. The after-school janitors now knew you by name and saved cleaning the classroom you were sitting in for last.

You had been barely sitting there for 5 minutes, nose buried in a math problem, when Park Sunghoon graciously strode in, swung the chair in front of you around and sat on it, arms crossed over its back as he peered at you. You didn’t even bother to look up at him as you spoke. “What, Park?”

“Oh no, back to last name basis already?” he joked. You didn’t laugh. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Wow, tough crowd. Anyways, thanks for the sandwich today.”

This made you look at him. Or rather, shoot daggers at him. “Yeah, what the hell was that all about? Did you have to pull that little stunt in front of everybody? You know what our school is like! Rumors are gonna start spreading like wildfire.”

“I already told you,” he said with a defensive tone. “Forgot my lunch, everything was gonna run out, didn’t want to get hungry later,” he said as he shrugged, completely ignoring the latter part of your complaint.

“And you couldn’t have gone and gotten it yourself?”

He beamed. If it wasn’t so damn beautiful, you probably would have started getting tired of his stupid smile already. “Why would I do that when I could get you to do it?”

You sighed. “I knew you weren’t the nicest guy, but I didn’t know you could be such an asshole, Park.”

If you hadn’t been staring him down so intently, you might not have noticed the falter in his smile, so quick it was.

“Oh, come on, Y/N. If anything, I’m doing you a favor by not sending out to everyone that picture you so desperately want to keep secret. Thing is, doing that wouldn’t benefit me in any way, except for getting the satisfaction of seeing everybody realize you’re not as perfect as they think you are. Whereas holding it over your head allows me to do basically anything I want with you. And that, that is just so much fun,” he beams, lowering his voice into a whisper for the last sentence.

What a psycho, you thought. You just sighed once more and returned to your textbook, too weirded out to say anything back. You hoped the silence would make Sunghoon realize how creepy what he had just said was.

It was quiet in the room, only the sound of your pencil scratching your notebook could be heard. Sunghoon sat in the same position and watched you working. He often saw you like this, focused and benched over a desk, in the library or walking past your classroom. But it was always in passing, and looking at you so closely made all the world’s difference. He could see how you scrunched your nose when the problem got particularly difficult, or how your smirk as you solved another one made your left dimple appear. He also liked the annoyed looks you gave him every once in a while, as if his presence was disturbing your focus. He wasn’t sure what it was, but there was something about seeing someone who always went about their way with such purpose sitting in such silence.

He decided to break that silence. “You know, Jay was asking about you earlier.”

You kept your eyes trained on your notebook but abruptly stopped writing, your pencil leaving a small scratch on the paper. This didn’t go unnoticed by Sunghoon. “Did he?” you said, trying to sound as uninterested as possible, although you couldn’t help but be curious. Ever since Jay and you had grown apart, there was always a part of you wondering what he was up to, how he was doing, if he thought of you once in a while or reminisced about the good old times as you sometimes did.

“Yeah. I mean, everyone did, but I didn’t really care,” he answers simply, and even though you’re itching to push him to say more, you stay quiet. “You’re right, by the way, I do know the people in our school. The rumors have already started spreading. Up to you whether you wanna deny them or not, though,” he said with a smirk.

“Don’t even think about it, Park. There’s not a chance in hell I’ll let them think we have a thing going on. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.”

He chuckled. “Trust me, I know. Anyway, he wanted to know why you did that for me. Guess he was jealous you didn’t do it for him, too.”

“Why would he be?” you asked, trying to make the question sound as innocent as possible.

“Well, you two go a long way back, right?” he asked tentatively, as if testing the waters.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Then it was probably weird for him to see his childhood best friend and his best bro interacting out of nowhere, even though we’ve both seen each other around a lot and nothing has ever come out of that. Don’t you think?”

A beat passed as you thought about it. “Yeah, I guess that’d look weird to him,” you replied, trying to keep the disappointment out of your voice.

You quickly wrote down your last answer, packed up your things, and stood up. “Well, I’m off now. I’ll see you around, unfortunately.”

Sunghoon, surprised at your quick departure, scrambled to get off his chair and chased after you. “Do you want me to drop you off? I’ve got a car, you know. Much more glamorous than the bus.”

You turned around and looked at him. “I’d rather get hit by said bus than get in your car, Park.”

He stood there, watching you walk away with a smirk on his face as your ponytail swayed from side to side. This was going to be a challenge. You were going to be a challenge.

Thing is, he loved a good challenge.

—

Back home, you flopped down on your bed and buried your face in your pillow. You laid there for a few minutes, taking some time to gather your thoughts and try to understand Sunghoon’s actions. It was of no use; you weren’t a mind-reader, and he seemed impossible to figure out. He could make you do basically whatever he wanted to, and he decided to make you get him lunch, creating rumors along the way? What could he possibly get out of that?

Your reflexions were quickly interrupted, however, by a flurry of incoming messages on your phone. Someone had posted a photo of you handing his banana milk to Sunghoon on your school’s Instagram account - because apparently, your school was so obsessed with gossip that they had created an Instagram page just for it. The photo had blown up among your peers and it made you wonder if people really were that bored with their lives.

People you barely knew but that felt entitled to knowing your relationship status were DMing you, asking about today’s events. You quickly got tired of it, so you texted your worried and confused friends that you didn’t feel like talking tonight and would catch up with them tomorrow. You opened your textbook, deciding that studying would be the best and most efficient distraction.

When your parents called you and your siblings for dinner, you still weren’t feeling great. Your family quickly registered your annoyed expression and could only hope for the best. You already weren’t the easiest to live with, but when you were tired, you just got a hundred times worse.

“So, how was everyone’s day?” your mom asked cheerily.

Yeeun’s eyes lit up instantly. “Mine was great! I met a really cute boy. His name is Nishimura Riki and he just transferred from Japan.”

“Oh, that’s nice!”

“You’re too young to be thinking about boys, Yeeun.”

Your mom and dad had replied at the same time, then gave each other a stern look.

“I’m not thinking about him, Dad, just looking,” your sister replied, earning a chuckle from your concerned father.

“Mine was alright. I guess the start-of-a-new-year excitement has already worn off. After a week,” Sunoo said with a sigh.

Your mom turned to you. “What about you, Y/N?”

“It was fine.”

The sharpness of your tone changed the atmosphere in the room at once. You ignored the looks your family exchanged and continued eating your food, eyes not leaving your plate.

For some reason, Sunoo thought it’d be a great idea to chime in. “She’s not happy because she had to buy Park Sunghoon his lunch and everybody went crazy over it.”

“Sunoo!” you protested. Your parents didn’t need to know about this sort of stuff.

“Park Sunghoon? Is that someone we’re supposed to know?” your dad questioned.

Yeeun scoffed. “Uh, he’s only the most popular and handsome guy at Y/N and Sunoo’s school, dad. Duh.”

“Right. Duh,” your dad said, imitating your sister’s tone.

“And why did you have to buy his lunch, Y/N?” your mom asked.

“Because he saw what she looks like when she’s not at school,” Sunoo said, not even giving you the chance to reply yourself.

“Sunoo!” you scolded again.

“And now I guess he’s using that against her to get her to do what he wants? Right, Y/N?”

You glared at your brother and let a beat pass. “Right,” you reluctantly admitted.

“Lucky…” your sister mused, expression like she was daydreaming about being Sunghoon’s personal assistant.

Your dad ignored your sister and looked straight at you. “That’s inadmissible, Y/N. You can’t let him do that.”

“Your father’s right, sweetie. It’s not right,” your mom added when you stayed silent.

With everybody’s eyes on you, you felt obligated to reply. “It’s fine. It’s not like he asked me to do anything crazy. I’m sure he’ll stop soon enough.”

“You know, boys that age, they’ll do anything to get a girl’s attention,” your dad warned. “Just ignore him and he’ll go away.”

“If she ignores him, he’ll tell everyone what she’s really like,” your brother explained.

“And what’s so bad about that? I’m sure it’d be easier if you stopped lying to everyone.”

Everyone suddenly stopped in their motions, wondering why your mom would say something so true yet so controversial. You looked up at her. “What’s so bad about that? What’s so bad? I don’t know, maybe the fact that I’ve worked so hard all these years for everybody to like me and look up to me only for a stupid picture taken by a stupid boy to ruin everything,” you said all in one breath, voice coming out harsh. You were tired of having to explain the same thing over and over again - your parents just didn’t understand why you did what you did.

Your mom opened and closed her mouth again, knowing it was useless trying to talk sense into you. It never ended well when you had this conversation.

“Who put mushrooms in this anyway? You know I hate mushrooms,” you said before filling up your bowl and taking it to eat in your room, making sure you’d slammed your door behind you.

—

On the bus the next day, you tried to explain the events of the previous day to your friends.

“There’s nothing really to it. He just asked me to get him lunch so I did, and when I handed it to him, his whole class was there and saw everything.”

“I get that, but I just don’t understand why he made you do it in the first place, or why you agreed,” Heeseung said, “it’s so unlike the both of you to do something like that.”

You hadn’t even thought to come up with an excuse for your and Sunghoon’s yesterday - your friends were definitely super confused, but you didn’t want to tell them the truth, so you had to quickly find something to say that was somewhat believable, and change the subject.

“I have no idea why he did what he did, but I didn’t want to cause a scene so I just agreed. I don’t really care, to be honest, I just wish it didn’t have such consequences. People seem to think we’re characters on a stupid Netflix coming-of-age series or something, when we literally just go to their school.”

As soon as you’d turned your phone back on this morning, it started pinging with all the messages that had flown in since last night. People were talking about it everywhere: Kim Y/N, highly sought-after bachelorette, had offered Park Sunghoon, notorious rejecter of girls and breaker of hearts, a sandwich and a banana milk, and he had taken them. What’s more, he had been seen at lunch heartily eating them. This was serious.

You didn’t think things could get any worse until you got to school. You were used to random people coming up to you in the hallways or in class for help, except today they weren’t asking for help at all - they were asking what was up between you and Sunghoon, as though handing him a tuna mayo was like asking for his hand in marriage. Most of them were just curious, but some, especially his fanclub members, had an aggressive tone to their voice, which you weren’t used to. If people started liking you less because of Sunghoon, you were going to kill him.

But you had to hold onto that thought, because an all too familiar voice had suddenly called out to you on your way to class. You took a deep breath and turned around, watching him take long strides towards you. You immediately became aware of the amount of people in the hallway and realized you couldn’t talk to him like you had the previous day in front of everybody. You mustered the fakest smile you could and greeted him.

“Hi, Sunghoon. What can I help you with today?”

He smiled, obviously enjoying the fact that you had to be nice to him. “I’ve got my sports bag because of practice later tonight. Mind holding onto that for me for the day?”

Your fake smile turned a bit crazy as your eyes widened in disbelief. "Don’t you have a locker for that, Sunghoon?”

“Yeah, but it’s so much more fun if you’re the one to hold it.” And with that, he threw the bag in your direction, leaving approximately 0.5 seconds to catch it. “I’ll need that later today. Meet me in front of the locker rooms after school, yeah?”

He didn’t bother to wait for your answer and walked away, Jake and Jay following closely behind. Jay sent you a questioning look, to which you could only reply with a shrug. If it wasn’t for all the students in the hallway, you would’ve been yelling Sunghoon’s ear off at that point. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a possibility, so you just smiled to your friends who were looking more confused than ever.

“Let’s just go to class, guys.”

—

Throughout the whole day, you could feel people staring at you, then at the bag you were holding, then starting to whisper among themselves. You tried your best to concentrate in class so you could momentarily stop pondering over what Sunghoon’s evil master plan might be, but everyone seemed bent on making that usually simple feat impossible. When 3:30 p.m. finally came around, you bid your friends goodbye and headed to the boys’ locker room. Every boy walking in eyed you suspiciously, unsure as to what you could be doing there. Of course, Sunghoon had to take his sweet time to get there.

Staring at the opposite wall and planning Sunghoon’s murder in your head, you hadn’t noticed Jay and Jake arriving. Jay signaled for his friend to go inside the locker room and told him he’d join him in a minute. He waved his hand in front of you to get your attention, a smile on his face. You sighed in relief at the familiar sight of your friend.

“Hey, Jay. Sorry I didn’t see you.”

“You okay, Y/N? You look like you’re about to murder someone,” he said, slightly amused.

“If only you knew,” you mumbled.

He noticed the bag in your hand. “You waiting for Sunghoon?”

“Yeah. If only he could hurry up a little bit. I’ve got stuff to do.”

There was something about Jay that made it impossible to lie to him. Maybe it was the fact that you had known each other for so long, way before you’d turned into what you were now, that made you feel as though showing a side of you that gets annoyed and impatient and doesn’t smile all the time was okay.

Jay looked at his feet before looking back up at you. You were still staring at the wall but your murderous thoughts had somewhat calmed. “Mind telling me what this whole thing with Sunghoon is about?”

You turned to him and were about to fumble for an answer when someone interrupted you. “What whole thing with me?”

Whew. Saved by Sunghoon. You didn’t like that it was thanks to him that you could get out of answering Jay, but at least you didn’t have to come up with yet another stupid excuse.

Jay turned his attention to his friend and stood up straighter. “You know, making her get you lunch or hold your bag all day. There’s dozens of girls who’d be more than happy to do that for you, so why Y/N? She doesn’t have time for this stuff.”

You looked at Jay with surprise. Sure, you were friends, but you hadn’t thought he’d defend you like that in front of Sunghoon.

“Well, Y/N’s just such a nice, reliable person. No one better to ask to do those things.” What a reason, you thought. He turned to you and took the bag from your hands. “Thanks, Y/N. I’ll see you outside in a couple minutes.”

“Huh? What do you mean? I’m leaving,” you said, body already headed towards the other direction.

“What? You can’t leave before practice has even started. Go to the benches outside, we’ll be out in a few.”

You were about to open your mouth to protest, but he cut you off. “You don’t want to?” He started pulling out his phone. “That’s funny, because there’s a pict-”

“I’ll be on the benches! See you soon!” you quickly said, pushing the two boys inside the locker room, Sunghoon smirking, Jay looking at you in utter confusion.

Girls sat in a few different groups in the bleachers. You recognized the girls in one of those groups, so you decided to sit with them. As you approached, they quickly looked at each other and then back at you, expressions half-friendly, half-what-the-hell-are-you-doing-here.

“Hi guys! Mind if I join?”

“Hi Y/N! No, of course not, come sit,” Jake’s girlfriend, Yujin, said.

“Are you guys here to watch practice?”

“Yeah! I’m here on girlfriend duties for Jake. These two are just here for the eye candy and to keep me company,” Yujin explained.

“Yeah, but mostly for the eye candy,” added her friend Wonyoung.

“What about you, Y/N? I’ve never seen you here,” asked the last girl, Gaeul.

“Oh, um, Sunghoon asked me to come, actually.” You regretted your words as soon as you’d let them out. They all ooh-ed at your response, making you blush, which just egged them on. This was nothing to blush about, Y/N. You’d just made the rumors get a hundred times worse with one sentence.

“The whole school’s been talking about you two, you know. Anything you wanna share? Don’t worry, we can keep a secret,” said Wonyoung with a wink. You chuckled awkwardly.

“Oh my gosh, yes, tell us!”

“Guys, don’t make her uncomfortable,” Yujin chimed in, smiling at you. You returned her smile, grateful, once again, that you didn’t have to explain your new link to Sunghoon. “Look, practice is starting.”

You turned your head towards the field as the soccer players started doing laps as per the coach’s instructions. Your eyes immediately drifted towards Sunghoon without you even realizing it. His lean figure hypnotized you. The last time you had had PE with him was in freshman year, and puberty had hit him like a fine, fine truck. You couldn’t take your eyes off of him as he lightly jogged next to his friends, chatting like it was nothing. You weren’t being very subtle with your stare and he eventually noticed you, sending a wink your way. This made you snap out of your reverie and you scowled at him, as if he could make out your annoyed expression from such a distance. You turned back to the girls, who were giggling at you.

“Wow, those were some serious heart eyes you were giving him, Y/N,” Gaeul giggled.

You opened your mouth in mild shock. “Was not!”

“Sure, whatever you say,” she replied knowingly. “Well, look all you want. Warm-up is the best part. It gets boring when they actually start playing.”

“No way! Watching them play is my favorite part,” Yujin disagreed.

“Yeah, that’s cause you’ve got someone to root for,” retorted Wonyoung. She looked at you slyly. “Well, I guess Y/N does, too.”

You scoffed. “Believe me, I will not be rooting for him.”

You started staring at him again, this time with a glare in your eyes. From their silence, you deduced the girls must’ve judged it a better idea to not question you too much. After the boys were done with running exercises and stretching (which you had enjoyed watching a bit too much, if you spoke truthfully), they started playing. The coach split the boys into two teams, Jay leading one and Sunghoon the other. It was a very close game. You could never tell who was leading, although that might have been due to your extensive lack of knowledge in the sport. All you knew was that you desperately wanted to see Sunghoon lose; that might put him down a peg. What you told yourself, however, was that you wanted Jay to win. So when he scored a goal, you surprised the girls next to you, the boys on the field and yourself as you jumped up and down, cheering for him. Realizing what you were doing, you quickly sat down and sent him an awkward thumbs up.

Jay tried to hide it, but he was blushing. Hard. Truth be told, he had noticed your little eye contact moment with Sunghoon during warm-up and hadn’t particularly enjoyed it. So seeing you cheer for him like that made him swell with pride, which only grew when Sunghoon scored and you barely reacted.

When the game was over, you thought you might be able to finally go home and start studying. But Sunghoon had other plans for you, as always these past couple days. Heading towards the showers, he motioned for you to come down from the benches. As you did, Jay walked past, and you smiled at each other.

“Good game.”

“Thanks, Y/N.” He continued walking as Sunghoon reached you.

“What about me? I scored a goal, too.”

“Oh, did you? Didn’t even notice," you said, looking at your nails. The polish was starting to chip - you’d need to reapply a layer tonight.

“Whatever. Wait for me, yeah?”

“What? No! I gotta go home!” But your protests were in vain, as he completely ignored you.

You waited outside the school with Yujin, Wonyoung and Gaeul. After a little while, Jake, Jay and Sunghoon joined you guys, having successfully showered and not smelling of sweat and dirt, thank God. Yujin was dropping her boyfriend and her friends off, so they bid their goodbyes and headed towards her car. Sunghoon and Jay also started to walk towards the parking lot, leaving you standing alone, not sure what to do. Sunghoon turned around and looked at you with a frown.

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t know, what are you doing?”

“I’m dropping you and Jay off.”

“Oh,” you mumbled, taken aback. “Didn’t know I was just supposed to guess that.”

As soon as Sunghoon started to drive, you noticed the awkward air between the three of you. Luckily, after years of being a people-pleaser, you had become somewhat of an expert in making small talk, which helped prevent a silent ride. You don’t think you could’ve gone through that without a mental breakdown.

Because you and Sunghoon lived closer to each other (and we all know the consequences of that), Jay was dropped off before you. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow at school,” he said before giving you a last glance.

“Bye, Jay.”

“See you, bro.”

Thankfully, you only lived a couple minutes by car from Jay’s and hoped the rest of the car ride would be peaceful. Which was really stupid of you to hope for, because you were in the car with Park Sunghoon.

“So, Park Jongseong, huh?” he said, eyes trained on the road in front of him. Even though he was trying to keep his tone light, you thought you detected a slight harshness to his gaze.

“What about him?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

“There’s nothing to say. We’ve just been friends for a long time.”

It was silent for about five seconds. “You really feasted your eyes during warm-up, huh?”

“Shut up, Park.”

“No, it’s alright, I get it. I’d do the same.” He laughed at his own joke that wasn’t really a joke. Why was he laughing, anyway?

You looked at him. His face was so different from all those times you’d seen it at school. His eyes, rid of the harshness you’d seen earlier, crinkled at the edges and had an amused glint in them. His smile dug pretty dimples into his cheeks and you let your gaze linger long enough to notice he had sharp, vampire-like canines, which were surprisingly cute. You didn’t know why he was showing you a side of him he never showed anyone, except for his close friends, you assumed. You weren’t sure what overcame you, but you chuckled with him.

“So, do you already know what task you’re gonna give me tomorrow?” you asked, genuinely curious.

“Hmm, haven’t really thought about it yet. I’d rather keep it a surprise, anyway. Keep you on your toes.”

“Pfft. What a great surprise.” He laughed again, and you couldn’t help but join him. He was unusually giddy that day, but you didn’t want to complain. This was a thousand times better than the arrogant Sunghoon with his I’m-better-than-all-of-you facade. What you didn’t know was that he, too, liked your snarky, no-nonsense side infinitely more than the model student, pretty girl persona you had created for yourself.

Finally at your house, you got out of the car and headed to your house after waving goodbye to Sunghoon. He rolled his window down and leaned out of it.

“Y/N?”

You turned around. “Yeah?”

“About your task tomorrow…”

“…Yeah?”

“I’m sure you’ll love it.” He gave you an umpteenth wink, rolled his window back up and drove off.

You weren’t so awful to your parents and siblings that evening.

—

The next day at school, you were wondering why Sunghoon had said you would love your task. Because you were, in fact, quite loathing it. He had found you studying during your free period after lunch and dragged you to the part of the library where it was okay to talk a bit over whisper level. You were currently going over a scene in The Tempest which you had seen in AP English Lit last year and clearly had no time for. But obviously, that wasn’t a problem to Sunghoon, who just wanted to get a passing grade on his English essay without putting in too much effort.

After twenty minutes of going over the same five lines, you were about to give up. “Look, Sunghoon, I don’t mind helping you. I’ve tutored dozens of students before so I’m used to it. But you’re not making any effort! If you want to get it, you need to at least try.”

“But it’s so boring,” he whined, not unlike a child. “How am I supposed to find any meaning in this? It’s just stupid people doing stupid stuff on a stupid island.” You cringed at his words and hoped Shakespeare wasn’t listening in on this conversation.

“It’s not stupid. It’s about power, and being punished for chasing it, and it’s a metaphor fo-”

“Ugh!” he groaned loudly. “You know what, I don’t care enough about this. Just write the essay for me, okay?” He got up and left, again not waiting for your answer. You wanted to protest, but you know what would happen if you said no to any of his requests, so you just quickly got to work.

Everyday over the next couple of weeks, Sunghoon would find something for you to do. Most days, he’d just get you to buy him lunch (although he thankfully had started paying you back) or carry his stuff around like the first two times. He didn’t ask you again to tutor him, however, so you had gotten used to sitting in an empty class together after class, you doing his homework for him and attempting (and failing) to explain it to him, and him alternating between playing on his phone and looking at you. Although it’d flustered you at first, not used to having someone stare at you while you were trying to concentrate, you’d grown somewhat okay with it - all of your complaints were ignored anyway. One time, he even got you to work on his science project with him, a weirdly-shaped volcano he needed to paint and decorate before actually putting the chemicals in. You’d be lying if you said it hadn’t been fun painting it together, occasionally ‘accidentally’ getting paint on the other’s hand or cheek instead of the volcano.

You went to see him at practice two to three times a week, although you weren’t sure what use that had for him. If anything, you were probably the one who enjoyed yourself more. Perhaps, after being forced to spend so much time with him, you had started to soften up to him. And, perhaps, that made you appreciate his good looks even more. You couldn’t deny the effect his damp hair, stuck to his forehead with sweat, had on you.

The rumors hadn’t died down, but people had started getting used to seeing the two of you together around, so they didn’t ogle their eyes at you everytime you and Sunghoon had some kind of interaction. Not liking that you couldn’t control people’s opinion of you anymore, you were still a bit bothered by them, but Sunghoon’s little posse of fangirls didn’t seem to be. They’d been the one to question you the most, and you got a few nasty looks in the hallway, but the gossip around school hadn’t stopped them from keeping on following him around, harassing him from morning to afternoon by going to his homeroom at breaks, sitting at a table near him at lunch, and going to see him at practice. Their group had dwindled down, though; most likely, some of them thought you two might be dating and had finally realized they didn’t stand a chance with the one and only Park Sunghoon. Thank God you had your friends and now sometimes Yujin, Wonyoung and Gaeul around you during those times, otherwise, you’d probably have been jumped. Spending so much time with him had kept you a couple times from your friends, which they’d complained about, but sensing that they couldn’t do much about it, they let you be, even though they hadn’t gotten a satisfactory explanation yet.

One person who didn’t want to, or rather couldn’t let it go, though, was Jay. He still couldn’t figure out why you’d started spending so much time with Sunghoon, seemingly overnight, and it created an unpleasant, sour pit in his stomach. Out of all the people you could’ve decided to form a new friendship with, why’d it have to be his best friend, meaning he saw you more often now than before, but not because he was the one you had come to see? Why did you never get him banana milk for lunch, and why’d you only start coming to soccer practice because Sunghoon had asked you to? He’d tried to ask both of you about it, but you always gave him half-assed excuses that didn’t make much sense.

He realized what he was feeling was jealousy the day you came into their homeroom before the first bell rang and asked Sunghoon how his science project had gone. You’d never asked him how his science project, or any of his projects or tests, for that matter, had gone. He recognized it as the same feeling he had harbored when he had come back from the US in middle school and saw you dating Choi Soobin, or when Lee Heeseung had joined your tight-knit group of friends in freshman year. You and Soobin had only dated for three weeks and a half because you had a relationship-terminating argument over mint chocolate ice cream, and you and Heeseung had never become more than friends, nor had the intention to. But Jay didn’t care about that; all he saw was that there were boys around you that weren’t him. He had never acted upon those feelings, dismissing them as over-protectiveness for someone he had known since forever, but seeing Sunghoon and you laughing together hit too close to home. He couldn’t ignore how he felt because he was reminded of it everyday, but he didn’t know what to do with these newfound emotions.

And what’s the best thing to do whenever you don’t know what to do? Talk to your friends. Or well, in this case, your friend. He didn’t wanna talk about you to Sunghoon. He was a firm believer of bro code, but he didn’t wanna bottle up his feelings like he had all these years. So he went to Jake and told him everything, from your childhood friendship to Soobin, Heeseung and now Sunghoon.

“I know it’s stupid. It’s this whole cliché of, you only realize what you have when you lose it.”

“Well, you haven’t really lost Y/N, you know. It’s not like Sunghoon and her are dating.”

“I guess not, but he clearly likes her. It’d be a dick move to go after her now that they’ve got something going on.”

Jake hesitated for a second, debating whether he should say what he was thinking, but ultimately deciding it might be better to do it. “You know, I’m not sure that he does. You know what Sunghoon’s like. He’s never very honest about his intentions. I don’t wanna bring the subject up with him, cause I don’t wanna cause any drama, but it’s so suspicious to me that he’s suddenly spending time with Y/N when he’s never mentioned her all those years and when he rejects all these girls all the time.”

“I think it’s weird, too,” agreed Jay. “I just can’t seem to figure it out. And I’m a bit scared for Y/N, to be honest. Remember that girl in freshman year? They’d gotten along really well when he suddenly dropped her. I still remember his cold-ass stare when he turned her down. It even chilled me, man.”

“God, yeah, I always forget about that. He may be a jackass to all those girls, but when you know what he’s really like like we do, it seems so unlikely that he’d do something like that.”

Jay sighed and looked out into the distance. “I just hope he doesn’t hurt Y/N.”

Jake looked at his friend, thinking how to phrase his next sentence. “Like I said, I don’t wanna cause any drama… but, man, if you don’t want him to hurt Y/N, just don’t let him. If you make a move on her, you might get to her before he does. Better to do that now than to have to pick up the pieces, don’t you think?”

Jay mentally thanked the heavens for gifting him with a friend like Sim Jaeyun. “Yes, that is much, much better.”

He was going to stop sitting on his feelings and finally let them see the light.

—

But before that, Sunghoon had another one of his requests for you. You were sitting together in an empty classroom after school as you often did these past weeks. For you, today was an ordinary day, but the boy in front of you had something else in mind. He wasn’t saying anything but you could feel his nervousness and it was starting to make you feel anxious as well.

You lifted your head from your notes and looked at Sunghoon who seemed lost in his thoughts. “What is it, Sunghoon?”

This made him snap out of his reverie. “Um, nothing.”

“Well, seeing how you’ve been tapping your foot at the speed of lightning ever since we got here, it doesn’t seem like nothing.” You crossed your arms over the table and looked at him more intently, eyes asking him to tell you what was on his mind.

He sighed, giving in. “I was just thinking… there’s something I wanna tell you.”

“Go on. “

“I need you to date me.”

Your breath caught in your throat. Park Sunghoon… needed you… to date him? Was he asking you out? The way he’d worded it was a bit odd, but you didn’t put it past him.

Taking in your silence and wide eyes, he quickly added: “Not in that way! I, um, need you to be my fake girlfriend.”

Oh.

So he wasn’t asking you out. You weren’t sure why that made you so upset, but you tried to keep the disappointment out of your eyes and voice.

“Right,” you said, tone a bit harsher than you’d meant it to, “and why would I do that?”

Sunghoon smirked lightly. “Well, first of all, you don’t have much of a choice.” You rolled your eyes at that. It’d been a few days since the reason why you had started hanging out in the first place had come up, and you didn’t like to be reminded of that god-forsaken picture.

“And second of all… I guess I should be completely honest with you.” This piqued your interest, and you leaned back on your chair to listen to him.

“When I saw you at the store and took pictures of you, I wasn’t really thinking of doing anything. Maybe just get a laugh or two and tease you about it. I even told you outside the store that I didn’t know what I was gonna do. To be honest, I didn’t really think there was anything you could do for me that I’d need to force you to do. So I thought about it all night. And I asked myself, what’s the thing that pisses me off the most at school that you could change?” he looked at you expectantly, as if you could figure it out. You just shrugged.

“It’s those girls that keep following me around. All these years, I’ve acted like a giant asshole with them and still they think they have a crush on me or whatever. And I’ve never liked any of them, they’re all so superficial and ask me out without having ever talked to me before. So I thought, hey, maybe if I have a girlfriend, they’ll leave me alone. Which is why I made you do all those things for me.”

“So that they’d think we were dating?” you asked, trying to take all this information in. You’d sort of known it this entire time, but Sunghoon blatantly admitting he’d been using you hurt nonetheless.

“Yeah. But obviously, you always denied the rumors, so it hasn’t worked as well as I thought it would. It still did a bit though. So I think, if we take it the next step, and actually pretend we’re dating, it should really work. But I need your full cooperation on this, okay?” He looked at you, hopeful eyes and hands in prayer.

You sighed. As he said, it wasn’t like you had much of a choice.

“Please, Y/N? I really want them off my back.”

“Fine, Park, I’ll do it. But this better be the last thing you make me do.” You couldn’t help but sound cold. This made you rethink these past few weeks’ events. Were you the only one actually enjoying spending time together?

“Thanks, Y/N. And yeah, of course. You won’t have to carry my bag or get my lunch anymore if you want. Maybe it’ll be more believable if I do that for you.”

You had focused your attention back to your homework, wanting this conversation to be over as soon as possible.

“I’ll also pick you up in the morning, so you don’t need to take the bus.”

You hummed in response.

“Um, and I’ll also drop you off after school and after practice…” Sunghoon trailed, troubled by your silence. You hadn’t been so cold since the first couple times you two had talked, and he hated the idea that that might be because of what he had just said. So he took a chance.

“You know, Y/N, this doesn’t change anything. I wouldn’t have made you do all those things if I didn’t like spending time with you. You’re really nice to be around,” he admitted shyly.

You were far too flustered to lift your head and let him see your face. You just grinned and murmured, “Whatever, Park.”

—

Sunghoon kept his promise and picked you up in the morning. He called you at exactly 7:55 a.m., saying he was waiting outside and you rushed out of your house, piece of toast still in your mouth. In the car, you two went over what being in a fake relationship would involve.

“We just need to be seen around together, right?” you proposed, hoping your lack of experience wasn’t showing.

Thankfully, Sunghoon had no idea what being in a relationship, fake or not, entailed either. “Yeah, I think. And maybe…” he hesitated.

“Maybe?” you prodded, hoping he wouldn’t (or actually would, but you’d never admit it) say what you thought he was about to say.

“I don’t know, like, hold hands, and… kiss.” The last part had barely been audible, but you’d still heard it.

“Kiss?” you echoed, voice almost a shriek. “I don’t think we need to go that far, Sunghoon.” A little voice in your head was saying that you’d really like to go that far but you made it shut up.

He was blushing profusely but didn’t want to drop the subject there. “At least on the cheek, or something. We do have to make it believable.”

And there it was. The little sentence, reminding you none of this was real. Seemed like that was a pattern in your life.

You looked out the window. Sunghoon glanced over at you, cursing himself for always saying the wrong thing. He was trying so hard to drown his blooming feelings for you that he kept on hurting you in the process. This whole fake-dating plan was the perfect excuse for him to spend more time with you without having to come to terms with his feelings.

“C’mon, Y/N, it’ll be fun. Promise.” He nudged your arm playfully, making you look at him. His smile was contagious; you could never help yourself but start grinning when you saw his face light up like that. Maybe he’s right, you thought. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

When you arrived at school, Sunghoon told you to wait for a second. He got out of the car and quickly walked around to your side, opening the door for you. You hated how your heart fluttered at the sweet gesture, reminding yourself it was just for show. The important part was that it fooled everyone else, and it did - as you took Sunghoon’s hand, letting him help you out of the car, and walked with him hand in hand towards the school gates, you could feel all eyes on you. You could hear whispers of see, I told you they were dating! and defeated no ways.

You realized you didn’t care about what anybody might be seeing, which was a first for you. You’d always made sure everybody saw you exactly the way you wanted to see them. As he was the most popular guy in school, dating Park Sunghoon at once helped your reputation and put you on many girls’ bad side. But holding his hand, you felt as though there was some kind of barrier protecting you. You’d never felt so exposed and so safe at the same time.

You noticed Jay standing next to the gates, looking particularly antsy. He’d texted you that morning, saying there was something he wanted to tell you. Usually, you’d have stayed up, overthinking what that could be, but what with today being the day you’d announce yourself to the world (your school) as Park Sunghoon’s (fake) girlfriend, you had had other things to worry about. You gestured at Sunghoon towards Jay. Your friend only saw you when you were calling his name, standing right in front of him.

“Oh, hi, Y/N! I-”

He immediately cut himself off when he saw yours and Sunghoon’s interlaced fingers. Embarrassed, you took your hand out of your fake boyfriend’s, opting for holding onto his pinky instead, not realizing that it was a much cuter action that made one boy’s heart flutter and the other’s fill up with sadness.

“There was something you wanted to tell me?” you asked with a small smile.

“Uh- yeah, but it’s not important, actually. We can talk about it later.”

“Oh, you sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.” He returned your smile, hoping to make the situation less awkward. It was very obvious he didn’t want to say whatever it was he needed to tell you in front of Sunghoon, which you had both understood.

Sunghoon spoke up. “Right, well I’ll see you in class, Jay. Y/N, I’ll walk you to yours.” And with that, he started walking, holding his friend’s gaze for a few steps. You turned back to look at Jay for a split second, trying to decipher what had just happened, but Sunghoon grabbed you by the waist, making you look up at him in surprise, and breaking Jay’s heart even further.

—

Once Sunghoon and you got to your class, you felt as though you were in one of those movies where the boy drops the girl off at her house after their first date. Except that this was in a crowded school hallway two minutes before the first bell rang. What you had in common with that girl from the movie, however, was that you were freaking out over what your boy was going to do next. In the car, you’d ended up agreeing to a kiss on the cheek, but you hadn’t realized it would be happening so soon.

As you two hovered around your classroom’s door, you looked at each other and giggled. Damn, you were selling this well. So well that if you could have ascended out of your body and looked at the scene as a third party, you’d probably have barfed all over yourself.

You were still holding his pinky. You could tell he was too hesitant to do anything now that you had reached the classroom, and so you mustered all of your courage, stood on your tippy toes and softly pressed your lips to his cheeks. (You were pretty sure you’d heard gasps around you.) Your courage went as fast as it came, and as realization hit you, you quickly squeaked “bye, Sunghoon” and practically ran to your seat. The boy stood there for another second or two, hand going to his cheek where you had just kissed him. He walked happily to his own classroom, completely oblivious to the stares he was receiving.

Heeseung, Jiung and Sieun were looking at you in disbelief as you approached them. Sumin, on the other hand, looked like she had paid no attention whatsoever to the scene.

“Y/N,” Sieun teased in a sing-song voice. “Care to explain what just happened?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve actually managed to make the oh-so-great Park Sunghoon fall for you?” Jiung asked jokingly.

You looked down in an attempt to hide your grin. You usually did that sort of stuff to appear humble when someone complimented you, but this time it was completely genuine. The mere thought of Sunghoon made you all giddy inside. “Um, yeah, he actually asked me to be his girlfriend last night.”

Your three friends gasped dramatically and Sieun pulled you into a hug, as if you’d just received an award of some kind. Heeseung and Jiung patted your shoulders, congratulating you.

“Sumin? Did you know about this?” Sieun enquired, turning to your friend.

“What? Oh, yeah, Y/N called me last night,” she answered, briefly looking at you before turning back to her phone. Sieun looked at you, surprised, not understanding Sumin’s reaction to what seemed like happy news.

You had indeed called Sumin the previous night, and the call had gone similarly to the way she was behaving this morning. Although you usually told her everything, this time, you didn’t want to share the fact that you and Sunghoon were only fake dating. You found yourself actually wanting it to be true - and you thought it’d be easier to believe it yourself if everyone, including your best friend, did too.

“Minie! I’ve got some news,” you’d said as soon as she picked out.

“Ooh! Hit me,” she’d replied with as much excitement in her voice as you.

“So…” you’d started, already giggling. “Sunghoon’s just asked me out. I haven’t told anyone else, I wanted you to be the first to know.”

There was silence on the other end of the line. After a while, you added, “Minie, you still there?”

“Huh? Yeah, um, that’s nice, Y/N, I’m happy for you,” she said, not sounding happy at all. There was no trace of excitement left in her voice.

“Yeah, thanks,” you replied, voice ten times smaller than a minute ago.

“I’m sorry Y/N, but I’ve got to go, my parents are calling me. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She hung up suddenly, giving you no time to say bye in return. You were completely confused. Was Sumin bothered by you and Sunghoon dating? Other than a reminder about his past behavior, she hadn’t said anything when you two were getting closer. So what was wrong? You’d hoped you’d find out the next day at school, but the way she was acting didn’t help at all.

You snapped out of your flashback when Heeseung nudged you, faking a pout. “Not fair! Why did she get to know before we did?”

You forced a smile and said you’d known you’d see them the next day and thought it was better to tell them in person, and that you had just wanted to rant to someone quickly. Your teacher came in as the bell rang and everyone went to their seat. During class, you tried getting her attention so you could ask her if she was okay but she kept her attention on the teacher the whole time.

After that, as time went by, you kept up your charade of being the perfect student as usual, adding to that of being the perfect girlfriend to Sunghoon. Time with him passed by so quickly: you hadn’t realized you were more than halfway through the semester until you needed to wear a thicker jacket outside and the leaves had started falling, covering school grounds in shades of brown. The plan had worked: he was finally left alone by his admirers. Sumin had stopped being weird after a few days, saying she had had some problems with her parents but hadn’t gone into more detail. Everything was as great as it had ever been: good grades, good friends and a good boyfriend. Well, fake boyfriend, which you needed to remind yourself a bit too often, on the days Sunghoon didn’t do it himself. You felt a pinch in your heart every time he said something like, “there’s my fake girlfriend!” when it was just the two of you, or “great job today, Y/N” after dropping you off.

One day as you arrived home, Yeeun was waiting outside your house, trying to catch you red-handed. She dragged him inside by the arm and you panicked, not wanting him to see how you lived. But your messy room and invasive siblings didn’t scare him off at all; on the contrary, he smiled one of the biggest smiles you’d ever seen on him, canines and dimples on display. Your mom made him stay over for dinner and it was probably the happiest dinner you’d ever had. The idea of bringing someone home and having them see your habits and odd family dynamics had terrified you for the longest time, but you felt so comfortable around Sunghoon that it felt as if he was part of your home as soon as he’d stepped foot inside. You didn’t feel the need to hide anything from him.

After dinner, he helped your parents clear up the table and even washed the dishes, even though they kept insisting he didn’t have to do anything. He had completely won them over. They sat at the table and watched you two laugh together in the kitchen. They looked at each other, knowing they were thinking the exact same thing: their daughter hadn’t looked this happy in a while.

When you were done cleaning up, you two headed to your room under the pretense of needing to study.

“Alright, but keep the door open!” your mom had yelled after you, making you groan and Sunghoon’s face turn crimson red.

You really had planned on studying - there was a big test coming up and you couldn’t afford to get a bad grade. When you got your physics textbook out, Sunghoon groaned in protest.

“What? You seriously want to study right now?”

You sighed. “I don’t necessarily want to, no, but I need to. And so do you, may I add.”

“We’re not even in the same physics class!”

“Yeah, but we both have Mr. Cho, so I know you’re gonna have a test as well.”

He rolled his eyes and dramatically flung himself on your bed. “Fine.”

When he didn’t move for a few minutes, you guessed what he had meant was that he’d let you study but wasn’t going to do it himself. But after ten minutes, he suddenly got up. “I’m bored to death, Y/N. The test isn’t in another week. Show me what you do for fun,” he said, on the verge of desperation. It had only been ten minutes, but you felt bad having him over and not entertaining him.

“Well, I do have a Switch…” Sunghoon’s eyes widened in awe. “I guess we can play Mario Kart.”

He almost squealed in joy at that. You just chuckled at him, not knowing he was such a fan of car video games.

“I’m gonna crush you, Kim. Get ready,” he said, already looking victorious.

You smirked, not wanting him to get his hopes up. “Oh, it’s on, Park.”

As expected of a pro player like you (on non-schooldays, you could stay up all night playing this game), you won every single round. Sure, he gave you a run for your money, but you always came on top. He took it surprisingly well, congratulating you each time. After your fourth win in a row, you wiggled your face in front of his with a devilish smile, as you couldn’t help but torment him a little. But he wasn’t smiling. At first, you’d thought he was finally getting mad he kept on losing; but then the proximity between you two hit you. You noticed his eyes flicker momentarily to your lips and had backed off immediately.

“Um, if we go for another round, I’ll go easy on-”

He cut you off by putting his hand on your cheek, making you turn to look at him. You’d daydreamed about this moment before, but you hadn’t imagined your heart beating this fast or the butterflies eating away at your stomach. He was now fully staring at your lips, and you couldn’t look at anything else but his either. Too scared to move an inch, you felt him get closer and closer, so close that his lips were almost on-

“Y/N, mom says it’s late and Sunghoon needs to- AH!”

Sunoo had walked in, eyes riveted on his phone until he looked up and saw you and Sunghoon suspiciously close to each other. Sunghoon practically leaped off of your bed in surprise and you flung a pillow over your face, not believing you had almost kissed Park Sunghoon but that your stupid little brother had ruined everything.

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” the culprit squeaked before running away. You and Sunghoon looked at each other. It was awkward for two seconds, then you both erupted in laughter.

“Alright, guess I should get going then. Um, thank you so much for tonight. I haven’t had a family dinner in a while, and… Well, it was really nice,” he admitted shyly after you’d calmed down.

“Of course, Sunghoon. I’m sure my parents would love to have you over any time.”

You walked him to your front door, where you exchanged goodbyes and I’ll see you tomorrows. You watched him take a few steps, then turn back and jog towards you. He stood in front of you for a second, then leaned down and placed a kiss on your forehead.

“Bye, Y/N.”

You were too stunned to say it back.

—

After the almost-kiss, it felt as though something had changed between you and Sunghoon. The event had somewhat revealed your feelings: you both knew you wanted to kiss each other. But since those feelings hadn’t been acted upon, the transition from fake-dating to real dating couldn’t happen as smoothly. Well, it could, if you two stopped acting like idiots and told each other how you felt. But the author wanted to get a couple more thousand words in, so it had to wait.

You’d gotten used to Sunghoon’s little requests at school, but you definitely hadn’t anticipated a phone call at past 11pm on a Wednesday night.

“Sunghoon? Why are you calling me so late?” you asked, groggy voice because of sleep. Since you woke up so early to get ready in the morning, you always went to bed around 9:30 to 10 p.m. Sunghoon was making you lose precious minutes of slumber.

“Late? It’s barely midnight, Y/N.” You groaned. “Whatever, put on some clothes and come outside! I’m waiting for you.”

“You’re what?” you whisper-screamed, suddenly feeling very awake.

“I’m waiting for you! Hurry up!”

As always, he hung up without waiting for your reply. You couldn’t really turn him down anyway; although you were somewhat obligated, you had stopped seeing it that way and started doing things for him out of your own volition.

Not wanting to get out of your pajamas, you just threw on a warm sweater, a scarf, some socks, and headed down the hallway on your tiptoes. Your parents weren’t the strictest out there, but you still didn’t wanna get caught sneaking out, and with a boy, at that. After putting on your shoes, you left your house, closing the door behind you as quietly as you could.

The late October night was a bit chilly, but you had wrapped up warm enough. Sunghoon was indeed waiting for you outside, wearing a denim jacket over his gray sweatshirt and matching sweatpants.

God, he looked good.

“Finally! Took you long enough.”

“Quit it, Sunghoon. Just tell me why you wanted to see me.”

“There’s a place I wanna show you. Come on,” he said, taking you by the hand. You felt tingles in your palm and fingers wherever his hand touched yours. How could something feel so natural yet make your heart race so at the same time?

“Are we walking there?” you asked.

“Yep, it’s not too far. We’ll be there in five minutes.”

Those five minutes felt like five seconds walking with Sunghoon. You chatted and joked around the whole way, not letting go of each other’s hand. You hadn’t even noticed you had reached your destination until he stopped walking.

“Here we are,” he said, facing the building, which made you turn in the direction he was looking.

“The ice rink? What are we doing here?” you asked, confused. It was 11:30 pm; surely, the rink would be closed.

“You’ll see!” he said, heading towards the entrance. To your surprise, he pulled out a key from his pockets and opened the doors.

“What? Sunghoon! How do you have a key to the ice rink?”

“I’m chummy with the janitor. I just need to let him know when I’ll be coming and he doesn’t tell anyone,” he replied, an easy smile on his face, as if this was the most normal thing in the world. He led you first to the shoe rack, helping you find skates your size, and then to the benches next to the rink’s entrance. He knelt in front of you and helped you put on your shoes, doing the laces for you.

He looked up at you, a glint in his eyes. “I’ve never taken anyone here, Y/N. I know your secret, so I thought I’d show you mine.”

You didn’t know what to say, surprised at the sudden confession, so you just looked at him curiously as he took ice skates from his backpack and laced them up.

He stood up, turned to you and said, “Ready?”

You followed him to the doors leading to the ice. He stepped inside without a trace of hesitation, but you were much more doubtful about your ability to stand on the ice without falling instantly. He turned around and saw you looking helpless. He took your hand in his, helping you step onto the rink.

“Don’t worry, Y/N. As long as I’ve got you, you won’t fall.”

“Don’t let go of my hand, then,” you said pointedly.

Too focused on not slipping, you didn’t see his smile. “I wasn’t planning to.”

He helped you get your footing, skating backwards in front of you and holding both of your hands. After a few minutes on the ice, you got brave enough to skate on your own, and you miraculously managed to stay on your feet. However, after a while, your bravery turned to hubris, and you dared attempt a spin, resulting in you miserably falling on the ice, butt first. Sunghoon was worried for a second until he saw you laughing uncontrollably. You looked at him, wide-eyed, and said, “This is so much fun, Hoon.” You were so exhilarated that you hadn’t noticed the nickname slipping from your lips but the boy’s cheeks and ears turned redder than the bruise you had surely just earned yourself. Thankfully, if you commented on it, he could just blame it on the cold.

He helped you up, and you skated on as if nothing had happened. This went on for another thirty minutes, you skating hand in hand and occasionally falling together (but most of the time, just you falling on your own). Sunghoon had been so nervous before bringing you here; he was scared you’d think his hobby was unmanly or lame, as he’d been made to feel. But seeing you have the time of your life, all his worries dissipated. This place was like a second home to him, and bringing someone into your home was always nerve-wracking, but he thought you fit perfectly in it.

When you told him you were getting tired and wanted to sit for a while, you skated back together to the benches and he gave you some water from his bag. You sat in silence for a while, waiting for your breathing to come back to a normal pace.

You broke the silence first. “So, why’d you take me here? Not that I’m complaining.”

He hesitated a second before speaking. "I used to come here all the time as a kid.” He didn’t look at you when he answered, keeping his gaze on his hands. “My mom would take me. She left us for another man the summer before middle school started. She left me alone with my asshole father.”

You let out a small gasp, not expecting such a confession. You placed your hand on his back for comfort and said, “I’m sorry, Sunghoon.”

He quickly glanced at you, a half-smile on his face. “Don’t be. Anyways, he had to somewhat start taking care of me now that my mom wasn’t there to do it.” He chuckled darkly. “I guess his idea of taking care of his son was forbidding him from doing the one thing he loved. He thought it was a stupid sport for a boy. He stopped all of my lessons and made me sign up for soccer, even though I hadn’t ever said I wanted to do that. I still came here from time to time, but I didn’t wanna risk getting caught. God knows what he’d have done if he saw me here.”

You weren’t sure what to say. You felt as if no words would be enough to express how his story made you feel. “I- it’s awful, what he did to you. No parent should ever make their child feel as though their passion isn’t worth it. If it’s any comfort, even though you were mostly helping me, I thought you looked ten times better on that rink than scoring any goal. And that’s saying something.”

He finally looked at you and grinned. “Thanks, Y/N.” He seemed to be thinking for a few seconds, and then continued: “I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and I think that’s why it’s hard for me to open up to people and make lots of friends. I only trust Jake because I’ve known him forever and I can’t really get rid of him now,” he said with a chuckle, “and Jay, well, Jake took to him instantly in middle school so I guess I didn’t have a choice there either, and he’s not so bad anyway. The more people I let in, the more likely I am to get hurt. It’s much easier pretending I don’t wanna have anything to do with anyone than try.

“I guess it’s also why I talked to you on that day. Sure, I ended up thinking you could help me with all those girls. But at first, when I saw someone like you, who looks like they have it all together, who’s actually the opposite in real life - no offense - it reminded me of myself. And I thought, maybe she’d understand. Which is why it was so easy to be myself around you.”

You took his hand in yours and pressed it slightly. “I’m glad you were.” You didn’t feel the need to say anything else, hoping it was enough.

“Now, your turn. What made you the person you are today?” he asked with a grin, trying to approach lightheartedly this heavy subject, which you appreciated.

“It’s all about making people think you’re someone else, isn’t it? Because, depending on who you are, they’ll treat you differently. I found that out as a kid, because I, too, have a tragic childhood backstory.” He gasped jokingly.

“It’s not as bad as yours, so sorry about that. Back in primary school, I already had this… attitude that I have today. I had quite the ego, and I didn’t want anyone doing better than me at school. I didn’t care about how I looked, if I was the prettiest girl in class or had the cutest shoes. I was the smarty-pants of the class, basically, and a lot of the kids teased me for that. But I also didn’t let myself get trampled over, and fought back, quite aggressively at that, so I was somehow the nerd and the troublemaker at the same time. I didn’t have the best reputation, but I did have a friend. Jay. Or Jongseong, at the time, before he got too cool for his real name,” you joked. “The thing is, I didn’t see him as a friend. Sure, I was only eight or nine, but I really liked him. And the day I was planning on confessing, I saw him hold hands with the prettiest girl in our class. So I never told him, and then he left for the US a few months later.

“During the time he was gone, I had a complete makeover and actually started caring about my appearance, especially when middle school started. So now I had academic validation from teachers, which I had craved since forever, and both female and male validation from all the girls telling me how pretty I was and all the guys liking me. The people who were in my primary school and went to the same middle school told them how I used to be, but nobody believed them, and if they did, they didn’t care, so everybody just gradually forgot about it. And I just got addicted to the validation, which is why I always studied harder and tried to be prettier, even when it turned into a complete lie. I thought that if I could make everyone believe I was perfect, then it didn’t matter what I was like in real life, so at home, I just let myself completely go. And even now that I’m aware of all of this, I still can’t stop.”

Sunghoon looked at you like you had just slapped him. “So, you used to have a crush on Jay?”

You looked at him in exasperation. “Seriously, Hoon? That’s what you get from everything I just told you?”

He smiled shyly. “Sorry. Thank you for telling me.” You sat there in comfortable silence for another few minutes, still hand in hand. Then, Sunghoon got up, grin on his face.

“Wanna see something cool?” You nodded at him, returning his grin. He headed back inside the rink.

You thought he was gonna show off by doing some fancy trick. But he started gliding on the ice, and you couldn’t believe what you were seeing. He took long strides that looked as natural to him as walking. He spinned one, two, three times, and continued skating as though it was nothing. You were completely mesmerized. You already thought he was out-of-this-world beautiful, but his beauty was brought to another level when he skated. His elegant moves rendered you breathless. When he skated back towards you, you were looking at him with only awe and admiration in your eyes.

After what he’d told you and what he’d just shown you, you couldn't help but get a little emotional. You engulfed him in a hug as soon as he’d stepped out of the rink, your arms around his neck and his naturally coming to your waist. Your hands came up to his cheeks as you leaned back to properly look at him.

“That was- wow. That was amazing, Sunghoon. Thank you for showing me.” You could see the gratefulness in his eyes. There was something else there, and whatever it was, you knew you were looking back at him with as much of it. It was only you two in the building, but it might as well have been the two of you in the whole world.

All too similarly as in your room, his gaze went from your eyes to your lips, and you couldn’t help but mirror that. This was the perfect moment. You inched your face closer, letting him close the gap between you. Your lips touched and it was as if everything fell into place. The kiss was shy at first, neither of you sure what to do, your mouths moving at a slow but steady pace. But as your hands traveled from his cheeks, to his jaw and down to his neck, and you felt him sigh in the kiss, something unclicked in you, making you want more. You deepened the kiss, and he returned it with just as much force. Your right hand came to grab at the nape of his hair and his hands gripped your waist tighter. After minutes or hours, you broke the kiss in need of some air. Your eyes met again and you smiled at him, relieved it had finally happened.

You thought he’d have a similar reaction, but he suddenly looked panicked. Realization hit him like a truck. He liked you. Far too much. And even if the kiss and these past weeks told him you might like him back, it scared him. He’d unlocked his heart for you but couldn’t let you keep the key. Otherwise, he’d let you open it more and more and more until there he was completely bare in front of you, and you decided you didn’t like what you’d found and left him. Just like his mom did. Just like everyone eventually does. Just like his dad never even tried.

He took a step back. His panic was rubbing off on you. You called out his name, but he quickly got his bag and said, “Sorry, Y/N, I have to go. I’ll um- I’ll see you.” He took a few steps, turned around, and said, “I think you should take the bus tomorrow morning. Sorry.”

He started walking away. A few steps before he’d be out of your view, he turned back around. He hated the look on your face, how sad, confused and helpless it was all at once. Above all, he hated that he was the reason behind it. But he told himself it was better to leave you now than be left in a few months when you got bored of him, and started walking again without another word.

—

You walked home alone. It was a dark November night, and you were shivering from the cold and from sadness. Try as hard as you might, you couldn’t figure out why Sunghoon had reacted like that. The past month had gone so well, you were only getting closer and more comfortable with each other. The only logical conclusion you could come to was that kissing you had made him realize he didn’t like you. Thankfully, you didn’t live too far from the ice rink and you got home in five minutes. Lost in your thoughts, you couldn’t even be bothered to be quiet closing the front door and walking to your room, and you woke Sunoo up.

At first, he looked like he was about to scold you for making so much noise; but upon seeing your disheveled state, he started worrying.

“Y/N? What’s wrong, why are you only coming home now? Where were you?”

You couldn’t hold it in any longer. You fell in your brother’s arms and started crying your heart out.

He held you for a little while, but not wanting to wake the others up by staying in the hallway, he said, “Come on, let’s get you in your room. You’re freezing.”

He left for a few minutes and came back with two cups of tea in his hands. He joined you on your bed. You had calmed down a bit and took a sip of the tea, already feeling warmer.

“So, tell me everything.”

And you did. Not just about what had happened at the ice rink, but everything before that: how yours and Sunghoon’s relationship was fake, which you hadn’t even told your siblings, but that it hadn’t kept you from falling for him, and how you really thought he felt the same way. When you got to the part where you told each other about your stories, Sunoo grabbed your arm in surprise, and said, “I can’t believe you told someone about that. Good for you, big sis.”

You sat in silence after a few minutes when you’d finished telling him everything, you, still reflecting on your evening, and him, trying to think of something good to say. He took a deep breath, and started: “You know, this might be completely useless, but I feel like there’s no point trying to figure out why he did that. We’re not mind readers, and assuming things will just go wrong. I think the best thing to do is just ask him tomorrow, or whenever you’re ready to face him, really.”

You looked at your brother fondly. “How can you be so stupid sometimes, yet so wise right now?”

Sunoo and you talked for another minute, but when you yawned for a good seven straight seconds, you both agreed it was time for bed. Before you fell asleep, you told yourself that tomorrow morning, you’d find Sunghoon and make him be clear with you. You at least deserved that.

—

Heeseung and Sumin were clearly surprised to see you the next morning in the bus, but you told them you didn’t want to talk about it and they didn’t push, although it very obviously had something to do with Sunghoon. As you rode the bus and psyched yourself for your conversation with him, you had no idea he was currently in the midst of a heated argument with Jay. The latter pushed him with force, making Sunghoon’s back hit the classroom wall behind him.

“What the fuck did you just say about Y/N?” Jay asked, venom in his voice and fury in his eyes.

Despite the pain, Sunghoon smirked, wanting to rile up his friend even more. “I said, Y/N’s just as stupid as all the other girls. She probably thinks she’s so much better than everybody, but in the end it was so easy making her fall for me. It was almost boring, really, how easy she was.”

Jay pushed him again. “Don’t fucking talk about her like that.”

“Aw, little Jay is getting upset over his little Y/N? You sad that the girl you like actually likes an asshole like me?”

Jay hadn’t had many reasons to get angry in his life. This was making him discover another side of himself; he didn’t know he could get this angry. He didn’t know rage could fill up his veins like that and make him want to destroy absolutely everything around him, but above all, the person in front of him who’d he considered a friend all these years. On the verge of losing control, he reared up his fist, before Sunghoon said:

“You know what’s even sadder? She used to like you, too.”

His arm dropped. “What?”

“Yeah, in primary school. Didn’t you think it was weird how different she was before and after you left? Her little heartbreak made her change everything about herself just so that people would like her. And now all she can do is lie to everyone. I pity her, really. And to think that she thought I liked her. What an idiot.”

That was the last straw. Jay punched Sunghoon square in the nose, making him stumble back a few steps until he hit the wall again. He held onto his bloody, and possibly broken, nose and looked Jay straight in the eyes, still smirking. Thinking his job was done (but not sure what the job was in the first place), he walked away, heading to the nurses’ station. The scene had gathered quite an audience outside. It was less than ten minutes to the first bell, so already quite a few students were there, but no one had dared to venture inside. Jake, arriving too late to prevent any damage, looked wide-eyed back and forth between Sunghoon walking out and Jay standing inside, fists clenched by his side and panting from anger.

Sunghoon barely spared him or anyone a glance as he left the room. What he did notice though, were a crumpled tuna-mayo sandwich and a banana milk on the floor, looking as though someone had dropped them.

What had he done?

—

You had already run back to your friends and were currently crying for the second time in twelve hours in Sumin’s arms. It was the first time ever you cried at school, and probably also in front of your friends, spare Sumin, so it was a curious sight to most; she took you to another room for privacy.

There, you practically told her everything you had told Sunoo the night before, including the fake dating.

“Wait… so, you and Sunghoon weren’t actually dating?”

You nodded, embarrassed by your lie.

“I- Why didn’t you tell me, Y/N? How could you fool everyone like that?”

You looked up in surprise at your friend’s harsh words. You probably deserved them, but you weren’t used to hearing her speak in such a way, nor to the cold stare she was peering down at you with.

“I don’t know… I’m really sorry…” you mumbled, ashamed.

She scoffed. “You should be. I just- I just don’t understand how you can already be living such a lie, and still add onto it. It makes me wonder how I’m still friends with you.” The bell rang right at that moment, and she got up, saying, “Let’s go to class. You wouldn’t wanna be late.”

You followed her, but you felt sick to your stomach. Usually, you could always hide your discomfort or sadness, no matter how bad your period cramps were or how serious an argument with your parents had gotten. But this time, it was too much, and fifteen minutes into the class, you asked the teacher to go to the nurse. Not used to you needing to leave class and trusting that it was for a legitimate reason, your teacher let you off and you quickly packed your bag and left.

When you got to the nurse, you sat down in front of her and said you weren’t feeling well and wanted to go home. For the same reasons as your teacher, she said she’d let you but needed to ask you a few questions before about your general well-being. You answered them quickly, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible and just go home.

When you finally were able to leave, you only took a few steps out of the nurse’s office before someone grabbed your wrist, making you turn around. Sunghoon, who was resting in the room next door, had heard your voice and gotten up as soon as he’d heard you leave. His nose was covered in bandages and his eye had started swelling and turning blue, and you mentally thanked Jay. You ripped your arm out of his grip and continued to walk away without a word. You were too tired to argue.

“Y/N, please, hear me out.”

This made you stop in your tracks, but you didn’t turn around. “Hear you out? I’ve already heard enough, Sunghoon. No need to explain, you made it very clear what you think of me.”

You started walking again but he doubled you and blocked your path in the narrow hallway.

“Y/N, I’m sorry, if you’d just give me a minute-”

“I don’t care that you’re sorry, Sunghoon! Sorry doesn’t cut it. I trusted you. Actually trusted you. You out of all people should know how hard it is to do that. Or was that a lie too?” Seeing him in front of you, your sadness retreated to the back of your heart and you were left with only anger.

“It wasn’t, I prom-”

“That doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.” You pushed past him and walked on. And this time, he let you go, even though the only thing you wanted him to do was make you stay. You so desperately wanted to hear him out and forgive him, but you knew you couldn’t do that. You had too much dignity, and it would only end up hurting you even further.

So you didn’t shed a tear the whole way home. When you finally got to your bed, you didn’t have the energy to start crying. You fell asleep, tears quietly rolling down your face.

—

You slept the whole day, waking up to a soft knock on your bedroom door. It was your mom, telling you Jay was here to see you. Everyone had been surprised to see you already at home when they came back from work or school, but they knew better than to wake you up.

“I’m surprised, you know. He’s gotten so handsome.”

You rolled your eyes at her. “Just tell him that I’m not feeling well and he should go home, please.”

“Oh, I’ve already tried to, honey. The boy is adamant on seeing you.”

You sighed. “Fine. Can you bring him here, then?”

A few seconds later, you heard another knock, and Jay opened the door just enough to peek his head through, asking if he could come in.

“Well, you’re already here, so might as well.”

You sat up and gestured for him to sit down on your bed.

He looked around, taking in the messiness of his surroundings. “You know, I thought your room would be much more… organized.”

“Didn’t Sunghoon tell you? I’m a big, fat liar who hides the truth from everyone,” you said sarcastically.

“About that… did you hear everything he said?” You hummed in response. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that, Y/N. I don’t know what happened to him. He’d never said anything like that about you, and then, all of a sudden… What an asshole. I can’t believe he was my friend.”

“Was? You shouldn’t end your friendship over me, Jay.”

“Are you kidding me? I can’t be friends with a guy who talks about anyone like that, let alone you.” After a few minutes of silence, he asked, “Did um- did anything happen, for him to say those things?”

You sighed deeply. “I’ve already told this story twice in the past few days, so I’ll give you the short version, but basically, we were fake dating, and I started really liking him, and I thought he did too, until we kissed, and he left me completely stranded, and then the next day I hear him say all those things.”

Silence again. You suddenly remembered something Sunghoon had said that you had completely put to the side: Jay likes you. At least, according to Sunghoon. You didn’t know if it was true, but judging by his disappointed face, it looked like it. Seemed like all of your friendships were going to hell.

“Oh,” he simply said.

“Yeah…” you murmured back.

“Well,” he turned to you, “that just confirms to me that he’s an asshole. Cause no guy in his right mind would turn you down, Y/N. I know I wouldn’t.”

He looked straight at you as he said that. Yep. Jay liked you. It was a nice feeling, but it was also about ten years too late.

“Do you- do you know what I’m trying to say, Y/N?” he asked, gulping.

You hesitated for a second before saying, ”I think I do, Jay. I have to say, your timing isn’t great.”

He chuckled a bit lifelessly. “Yeah, I guess right now isn’t the best time to say this.”

“I also meant, you know what Sunghoon said, earlier? That I liked you before you left for the US? That was true.”

He looked at you, mouth agape. “Oh, was it…” His head hung down in defeat. “I can’t believe I’ve been such an idiot. I feel like it’s my fault that Sunghoon hurt you like this. If only I’d been just a bit earlier…”

“None of this is your fault, Jay. Please don’t think that. It’s mine for thinking Sunghoon could actually like me back.”

Jay took a deep breath. “God, as much as it hurts me to say, Y/N, I think he did. Or does, actually.” You furrowed your brows at him. “Sunghoon, he has this thing where he goes into retreat mode as soon as he gets too close, too personal. It’s a stupid defense mechanism, and when he realizes he’s let you in a bit too far, he snaps everything closed and hurts you before you can hurt him. At least, that’s how he sees it, I guess. He’s done it to Jake and me a couple times, and it takes some getting used to, but he stops after a while. When he knows for sure that you won’t hurt him.”

You didn’t know what to do with this information, so you just stayed quiet, which Jay took as a sign to go on.

“I’m not saying forgive him. Believe me, if I could smack him into space and never let him see you again, I would. But I think maybe, just maybe, and you don’t have to if you don’t want to, hear him out.”

You smiled at him. “You’re a good friend, Jay. And I don’t mean just to me but to Sunghoon as well. I hope you know that.”

Jay tried to ignore the pinch in his heart at the word ‘friend’ and smiled back.

“Oh, there’s another thing I needed to show you.” His tone was suddenly much more apprehensive, and he looked both sorry and scared to say whatever he was about to say.

He pulled out his phone and searched the thing in question. Before showing you anything, he warned, “Nobody knows who did this. It was sent out to the whole school on a library computer-”

Expecting the worst, you snatched Jay’s phone from his hands. And there they were. Pictures of you from your primary school years, recent pictures of you in your comfortable clothes, at home or in close proximity to your house. Sent out to the whole school, as Jay had said. You were horror-struck. You could feel all the years you had spent perfecting your image and maintaining it crumbling around you as though they were paper. Charismatic smiles and trendy accessories had been your brick and mortar, but a sledgehammer had hit them, destroying your foundations further with each swing.

And that sledgehammer had a name: Bae Sumin. You’d figured it out in an instant. You’d been friends your whole life, she was the only one apart from your family to know about your true face; only she would have access to such photos. You knew it wasn’t Sunghoon because the pictures he had taken that day weren’t there.

If what had happened with Sunghoon had made a crack in your heart, then this had shattered it into a million pieces. The person who you’d trusted the most, who you’d thought would never do anything to hurt you, had done the worst thing anybody could do to you.

“Y/N- are you okay?” Jay asked tentatively. You had forgotten he was there.

“Um, yeah, yeah- I think I just need to be alone for now, if that’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind staying a while.”

“Sorry, Jay, but I’m sure.”

He looked at you for a few seconds. He’d never felt more distance between you two, not even when you had been oceans apart. “Alright. Call me if you need anything. I mean it.”

You smiled a tiny, tiny smile in response and he left your room. On his way out, your mom hugged him, saying it was nice to see him again and that he was welcome anytime, and he thanked her.

As he walked home, he couldn’t help but bitterly laugh to himself. Even when he confessed, he hadn’t been able to say the words he’d wanted to tell you this whole time: I love you.

—

You didn’t go to school for the rest of the week, the only stain on your perfect attendance record. All of your friends had tried to reach you, asking if you were okay, and you replied in a few small messages, telling them you’d be back when you could. Other people had contacted you, asking if those pictures were real. You obsessed over your school’s gossip Instagram account: the past few days, all the posts had been dedicated to your pictures and Sunghoon’s and Jay’s fight. You had ten missed calls from Sunghoon and seventeen from Sumin. You ignored each and everyone of them, only giving Jay, Heeseung, Sieun and Jiung the time of day.

On Sunday morning you woke up, already dreading going to school the next day. You could already picture the nasty stares and whispers you’d get in the hallways. You thought about facing Sumin and Sunghoon again, and you thought the worst thing possible would be to have to do it at school. So you decided to wait until they called you again, as you knew they would, and finally picked up their call.

Sumin contacted you first, at eleven in the morning. You agreed to have her come over to your house to talk. When she appeared at your front door, you realized you weren’t sad, angry, or disappointed; you were just confused. You didn’t understand why she’d done it. Looking at her face, you couldn’t imagine her sitting down at that computer and sending out those pictures, writing the comment This is what Kim Y/N is like in real life.

You let her in and walked to your room, your siblings’ eyes burning holes into her soul the whole time. You sat down on your bed, sighed, and said, “Go ahead.”

“Thank you for letting me come here and explain myself. I don’t know what took over me, Y/N. Well actually, I guess I do. Jealousy, as stupid as it sounds.” She chuckled at herself. “I’ve always tried to hide it, but I’ve always been a bit jealous of you, Y/N. You’re the prettiest girl, the smartest, the nicest, and I’m just the best friend. That’s all anyone knows me as. Everybody loves you, yet I know it’s all a facade. And I’m not saying that to be mean, because I know you’re an amazing person even without all the glamor. And when I saw you with Sunghoon, I mean, you saw how I was. I didn't fight with my parents. I was so, so jealous. You hadn’t shown interest in any guy since Choi Soobin and all of a sudden you were dating Park freaking Sunghoon, and he knew about your quote-on-quote ‘real’ face, so I couldn’t even comfort myself that he didn’t know who you really were.”

“Wait- why would you be jealous of Sunghoon and me?”

She took a deep breath. “You remember, freshman year, when I confessed to him and he turned me down?”

“Yeah, but I thought that was in the past.”

“Do you also remember that guy I told you about later on, who I’d gotten really close with but completely shut me off when I thought we were about to start dating?”

Something clicked, but you didn’t want to face it. “Yeah…”

“Well, surprise surprise, they were the same person. Ha. I got mad at you for lying to me, but I did the same thing.”

“Sumin… Why did you never tell me?”

“I’m not sure. When we were in that talking stage, I could’ve bragged about it to anyone, you know, that Park Sunghoon was actually being nice to me, but I didn’t. I wanted to keep him my little secret. And then I confessed, and we all know how that ended.” A beat passes as she takes a deep breath, shaking the bad memory away. “I am over it, it was more than three years ago. Maybe there was a nice part of me that thought he had changed, because you seemed happy with him, and I didn’t want to ruin that. But maybe there was another part that hoped he might hurt you like he did me. And that’s such a shitty thing to do, I know. I should’ve told you when I saw you get involved with him. I can’t believe after all these years, he did the exact same thing to you that he did to me. What an asshole.”

You were staring at the wall in front of you, feeling empty. Why did everything have to happen at the same time? You were just drained of any willpower.

“This doesn’t explain the pictures,” you said plainly.

“Right. When you told me you were fake dating, I guess something snapped in me. I couldn’t believe it was another lie, I thought we had gone past the stage where you hid things from me. So that, plus jealousy, I just went a bit crazy, I think. I really wasn’t thinking, Y/N, and I promise you with all my heart that if I could go back and undo everything, I would. I’m so, so, so sorry. I regretted it as soon as I hit post.”

You looked at your friend and knew she was telling the truth. You believed her, and yet you couldn’t quite look past it.

“I know you are, Minie. It’s just… what am I gonna do now at school? Everybody must hate me.”

“I won’t lie, some people haven’t been saying the nicest things, especially Park’s fangirls. But God, Y/N, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but who cares? They’ll talk about it for a week, two at most. Your life at school won’t be the same, but you’ll still have all of us. I’ve talked to Heeseung, Sieun and Jiung, and they’re not the tiniest bit mad at you. They’re just worried to death. A bit confused too, but mostly worried. And you know what? Even Yujin, Wonyoung and Gaeul, who I’ve literally never talked to before, came to ask me how you were. Jay and Sunghoon are barely on talking terms but they always team up when it comes to practically verbally assaulting anyone they overhear talking behind your back. Jake has to hold them back sometimes but he always glares at those people too. You don’t wanna see Jake Sim glare, I promise you. It’s so scary,” she says in a confessional tone, visibly shuddering just at the thought of angel-faced Jake looking angry, and you can’t help the small chuckle that escapes your lips.

Her face softens as she places a warm palm over your hand. “We all love you and care for you so much, so screw literally every single other person in that school. They don’t matter.”

There was something refreshing about Sumin’s words. The idea that you could live your life without worrying about other people had always been in the back of your head, but you always told yourself you were in too deep to go back. Now that you had been forced to, you understood why you felt so empty: the immense weight of having to keep up a persona, had been lifted off your shoulders. You would only have to carry yourself, and not a second person, which made you feel weightless. You’d just have to get used to it and come to enjoy that feeling.

You took your friend’s hands in yours. “I want to forgive you, I promise I do. And I will. I just don’t know if I can do that right away. I’ll need some getting used to this new life.”

“I completely understand, Y/N.”

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you around anymore. And you know what, I’m sure one day I’ll look back at this moment and thank you.”

—

Sumin left a few hours later and you were now waiting for Sunghoon to call you. You waited and waited, until your phone rang with a small ding: he wasn’t calling you, but had sent you a message. A very, very long message. You were very tempted to reply with a I ain’t reading all that. I’m happy for u tho. Or sorry that happened, but you thought it might not be the appropriate moment.

You opened the message, which had come after thirty unread texts, and started reading, slightly appalled by the lack of paragraphing.

Dear Y/N,

Is this how you start a long text? I would much rather be telling you this than writing it, but someone hasn’t been picking up my calls. Sorry. I probably shouldn’t be giving you much attitude right now. Where do I even start? The ice rink, I guess. Asshole move #1, obviously. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you like that. That kiss was really really good and I really really liked it. Because I really really like you. And I think I’ve known that for a while now, but the kiss confirmed it. And I was happy for a second, but then I panicked. There’s no other word for it, I panicked. I’ve never liked someone this much before and I was so scared. I still am. I’m terrified shitless. But I know that my fear is completely irrational, and that you’re literally the best person on Earth, which is why I’m writing this. I know it’s cliché to say my mom left me and now I think everybody will. And my first reaction to that is to hurt someone before they can hurt me, which is what I did. But as much as I wanna fight it, it’s always there at the back of my mind. You can even ask Sumin about it. Should I be saying that? I feel like I might as well. I was an asshole to her, and I’m so angry at myself that I did it again with you. I didn’t mean a single word of what I said about you to Jay. Not a single one. You’re not stupid, you’re the smartest and most amazing girl I know, and I never pretended I liked you, because I never had to. I think I just wanted Jay to punch me, really. I wanted him to run to you and make sure you were okay, because I was too scared to do that myself. But I regret doing that so much. I hope you know that. And bless Jay, he’s a real one. He told me to get my shit together and talk to you. I can tell he’s still mad at me but still wants to make things good between us. I was already trying to call you before he said that, but I probably would’ve said something stupid that would’ve made things worse. And I can’t afford that, Y/N, I really, really can’t. You get me like no one does and being with you is the most liberating thing ever, I’m never myself more than when I’m around you. You just bring out the best in me. Well, except for that thing I did. Which I promise I’ll never do again. I am so extremely sorry, and if you wanna hate me for the rest of your life, I completely get it. But I would also be very happy if you didn’t. I hope I’ll see you tomorrow at school. I really miss you.

Your Hoon

You wiped away the tears that had formed in your eyes and typed back:

You’re such an idiot, Park.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

—

The next day, as you imagined, was mostly hell. You’d decided not to dress up as usual: there was no point trying to look good after this, it would only make you seem more ridiculous. You put less makeup on, not bothering to hide your eye bags, and didn’t bling your outfit up with accessories or fancy shoes, opting for your worn-out Converse you’d had since your feet stopped growing. On the bus, where people usually ignored each other, you could already feel the gossip being told about you. You avoided people’s gaze like the plague and sat down next to Sumin. You laid your head on her shoulder and sighed.

“I already wanna go home.”

She laughed, “I know. We’ll be with you the whole day, so don’t worry.”

You spent the bus ride catching up on what had happened when you were gone (nothing much), and although there was some awkwardness there, it was nice being with your best friend. When Heeseung got on, he practically screamed your name and suffocated you by means of greeting.

“I’m so glad you’re back. You know, I think you look really cute in those pictures. All these people are just jealous they don’t look as good as you even when you don’t dress up.”

Sumin shot daggers with her eyes at him and he cringed, saying, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned that.”

You reassured him, saying that it was fine since it was all you were going to be hearing the next few days. “Might as well get used to it.”

It was somewhat easy to ignore the stares coming your way when you walked into school with Heeseung and Sumin flanked at your sides like bodyguards. When you reached your classroom, Jiung engulfed you in a hug and Sieun was almost crying. How the hell had you gotten such sweet friends?

In the hallways, some people tried to get reactions out of you by calling you out, yelling liar! or you can’t fool us anymore. You couldn’t ignore them as they were very much in your face. When at lunch, a table of girls next to you was very clearly talking about you in the nastiest way possible, you took your tray and were ready to get up and leave, but a very familiar voice stopped you in your tracks.

“You think it’s funny talking about someone like that?” Sunghoon was practically screaming at the girls. “You think you’re any better than her? I bet you do the exact same thing but are just glad someone else got called out for it.” You weren’t sure if that made you feel much better, but you appreciated the effort.

“As a matter of fact,” he continued as he pulled out a chair and got up on it, his voice getting louder, “I’ve got something I wanna say to everyone.”

Somebody whooped (probably Jake) and you tried to get Sunghoon to come down from the chair, but he just smiled his radiant smile at you and turned to look at the students in the cafeteria.

“All of you who judge Y/N are hypocrites. You wanna tell me you’re all as perfect at home as you are at school? That you never relax a little bit? Sure, she pushed it a bit far- (hey! you grunted in protest), but nobody shows who they truly are to everyone. We all judge each other in this stupid high school, so Y/N did what she had to do and protected herself. If anything, this should make you respect her even more. And it’s not like she did anything wrong to you. She didn’t use her popularity against anyone, so you better not use this against her.”

From the crowded tables in the cafeteria, somebody yelled “Nobody cares!”

Somebody, whose voice you thought you recognized as Jungwon’s, joined in: “Yeah, what is it about you seniors and thinking the whole school revolves around you? We still like Y/N!”

Sunghoon, taken aback, simply said, “Oh. Alright. Well, you better keep it that way then!” and got off his chair.

He turned to you, already a pleading look on his face and said “Y/N, I’m so sorry-”

But you cut him off right away. “I know, Sunghoon, I know. I think this proved it.”

“I really wanna make it up to you. So just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it. Buy you a house, move to another country, you name it. I’ll do it.”

You chuckled at him. “You don’t need to go that far.” You looked down, then back at him. “I think I just want to pretend like nothing happened. Like it was all a huge, awful fever dream. Even if I can’t forgive and forget right away, I don’t think I want you out of my life while I figure it out.”

He let out the biggest sigh you’d ever heard. “My God, you don’t know how happy to hear that, Y/N. Thank you so much.”

“Thank you for defending me just now. That was… definitely something.”

He smiled down at you. "I did my best. Too bad those sophomores ruined everything.”

You could feel eyes burning into your sides, so you turned your head a bit and noticed that your friends and the table of girls that had just been gossiping were staring at you, some of them teary-eyed. When they saw you notice them, they all turned back to each other and pretended that they were having some other conversation. You and Sunghoon chuckled, and you realized how much you had missed him.

Yes, Sunghoon and Sumin had hurt you, but you were a strong believer of second chances. Even if it was hard at first to stop thinking about Sunghoon’s voice when he had said those things or Sumin’s intentions when she posted the pictures, they’d made it up to you in any way they could and you’d reciprocated that by being completely honest. No more trying to look perfect all the time; you were human and were allowed to have low moments. Your grades even dropped by two points, because you’d started spending more time with your friends than with your textbooks. You’d spent whole Saturdays at the ice rink with your now real-boyfriend Sunghoon, and had invited the whole crew. Heeseung was surprisingly good at it. You had even caught your little sister Yeeun on a date with the cute Japanese boy she’d talked about.

As promised, Jay came once a week or every two weeks to have dinner with your family; Sunghoon always insisted on being present. The tension between them had turned into friendly competition, and you could tell the two friends were glad to have each other back.

You’d never felt so free. Your relationship with Sunghoon felt like uncharted territory and home at the same time; so daunting and exciting yet so comfortable and relaxing. You kept the PDA at a minimum at school, but when it was just the two of you, your whole body never failed to heat up, even in the cold of the ice rink. He had been nicknamed the ice prince, but he was so, so warm.

In the end, everybody found out. But you had Park Sunghoon by your side, so it was alright.

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#enhypen x reader #sunghoon x reader #enhypen fluff #sunghoon fluff #enhypen angst #sunghoon angst #enhypen scenarios #sunghoon scenarios

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woso-dreamzzz · 7 months ago

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Teeth

Hardersson x Child!Reader

Part of The Big Adventures Universe

Summary: Pernille does it again

"I don't want to talk about it," Pernille says as Georgia slides into the cubby next to her.

"I wasn't going to say anything!" Georgia lies.

"I still don't want to talk about it," Pernille insists," No comment. I'm not talking about it with anyone. I'm not answering any questions."

"You don't need to," Georgia assures her," Because your kid is letting everyone know what happened."

Currently, you're on Sydney's lap, pealing back your upper lip to show off the gap that your two front teeth used to occupy.

They'd both come out last night.

Only one had been wobbly.

Pernille buries her head in her hands and forces herself not to scream. "I need to teach her that not everyone needs to know our business."

Georgia chuckles. "I don't know," She says," She seems pretty happy to tell everyone. You'd take that joy away from her?"

"It's humiliating."

Georgia keeps giggling, especially when you gesture wildly over to Pernille to accentuate your story.

It was an accident again, like the first time you lost a tooth. Thankfully, a ball hadn't been kicked in your face but this time it seemed liked it was much worse.

It had been hot out yesterday and Magda insisted on a barbeque while her family was visiting.

You'd been inside, dragging your new schoolwork down to show your grandparents because you'd gotten a certificate for it.

You'd taken your time so Pernille thought it would be a little funny to scare you as you came out.

She'd jumped at you when you came through the door and you'd shrieked, jumping in the air before stumbling.

Everyone was laughing before they realised you had gone face first into the steps of the outside decking.

Magda sat you up which was when you spat out your two front teeth into her hands.

It was mortifying that it had happened a second time, Pernille accidentally being the cause of your teeth falling out.

This time though, a little older than the first, you didn't seem to care much about the pain in your mouth, just that you were going to get a big cash out from the tooth fairy.

You also seem incapable of keeping the story to yourself, having come into training today ready to show off your tooth gap, your newly acquired lisp and the amount of money you got.

It's the money bit that has Magda staring daggers at Pernille from across the locker room and Pernille agrees that she may have gone overkill but she'd already set a precedent and she doesn't want you staging a revolt against the tooth fairy for your lack of money this time.

No matter what Magda says about explaining the concept of inflation to you, Pernille knows that you won't accept anything else then the ten euros you got previously.

Plus the amount added on that Pernille knows will wave her feeling of guilt.

"The tooth fairy gave me thirty euros!" You tell Sydney and Scottish Sam," Fifteen for each tooth!"

"So cool!" Sydney tells you while Sam's mouth hangs open in shock.

"Because of inflation I got more!" You continue," The tooth fairy wrote me a note saying so. I don't know what inflation is but I like it!"

"I'm sure you do," Magda says, picking you up and setting you back on the floor," But let's put the money away now."

"Thirty euros?" Georgia hisses at Pernille as you and Magda go off to put your money because in your little puppy purse," Can you be my tooth fairy?"

"Don't," Pernille groans," It's guilt money. I feel really bad."

"Why? They were bound to come out at some point."

"That's not the point! They weren't ready and now she's got no front teeth."

"But she's thirty euros richer. That has to count for something."

"It counts for me not sleeping in my bed tonight," Pernille mutters.

You're back to flitting around the room now, practically skipping on air to tell everyone how Pernille made you smack your face against the decking steps in front of the whole family and how you had to have your barbeque cut up for you instead of just scoffing it down like everyone else.

That seems to be your main annoyance with this whole thing. How you couldn't eat your barbeque like normal. In the grand scheme of things, Pernille supposes, you could have had a much worse reaction.

She should take the small wins when they come.

The small wins like now as you sit on the bench next to Magda and inspect your gap with your tongue.

The space from the wobbly tooth is already being filled in, its replacement already coming in.

You seem to be fairly distracted by inspecting your mouth rather than complaining about your gums hurting so Pernille will take the win for what it is.

"Momma," You call out to her," Next time, can you knock out three of my teeth so I can get more money?"

#woso x reader #hardersson x reader #pernille harder x reader #pernille harder #magdalena eriksson x reader #magdalena eriksson #woso community #woso imagine #woso fanfics #woso #the big adventures universe

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chaepink · 2 years ago

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good girls are bad girls (that haven't been caught) | sub!kuroo tetsurou

wc: 2k+ words | masterlist

dom!fem!reader (however it can be read as gn!reader as no body parts are mentioned), begging, crying, teasing, mean!reader, degrading, insulting, slight hair pulling, marking, slight bondage, clothed touching, praising, mention of the reader fucking/marking other people, kuroo is kinda shitty at first, theres plot and smut isn't until later down

note : this is very loosely based off of 'good girls' by 5sos and oh my god i wrote a lot. also I literally wrote this in 4 different sections and had to write in between in order to get to all 4 parts...

"Kuroo, you're failing all your classes except gym. How's that even possible?!" Kuroo shrugs nonchalantly, not paying attention at all and instead opting to look outside the window.

The teacher sighs, taking off her glasses and rubbing her temples. 5 minutes in and she is already getting a headache dealing with him.

"You're a third year already, you should be focusing on studying to get good grades in order to graduate," she says, grabbing the nearby stack of paper on her desk and organizing it. "Lucky for you, however, someone agreed to help tutor you for your main subjects."

"Yeah sure, whatever. Can I go now?" He's had plenty of tutors already and all of them quit only a few days in due to him being uncooperative whenever they tried to help him. He rather enjoys watching them give up and leave him at the library. She sighs again.

"Her name is, [name]. I think you may know her. After all, she's a third-year like you and is at the top of her class."

Kuroo snaps his attention toward his teacher. Did he hear that right?

You're gonna be his tutor? The school's well-known good girl? The girl who gets nothing but straight A's for every piece of schoolwork? Shit. Sure you may be a good tutor and all but he's heard numerous rumors of how strict you are when you're tutoring and he doesn't feel like dealing with it anytime soon.

"Ah, so you know their name at least." She can't help but smile. Finally, he gives her his attention. "They've agreed to tutor you right after school a few days a week at the back of the library-" He scoffs.

"The back of the library? Obviously, she chooses that spot. She's there every single day!"

His teacher gives him a stern look for cutting her off.

"You should be grateful. Today will be the first day she tutors you. She said she would be there on time so don't be late, I'm sure you'll do just fine."

"Yeah right," he mumbles under his breath.

"I heard that."

---

He's late by over 20 minutes, not that he really cares anyways.

As he strides into the library, he looks around and rolls his eyes. The library was practically empty with only a few students sitting at tables and the librarian quietly typing on her computer.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees some students staring at him though not very subtlety. They're either staring due to just clearly being attracted to him or just surprised that he, the school's infamous fuckboy, was at the library. He likes to think that it's the former.

While walking to the back of the library, he notices that the number of students start to decrease. Eventually, he makes it to the very back and sees you. He sneers in disgust at all the books on the table and the open notebook in front of an unoccupied chair.

As he sits down, the chair scraps against the floor which catches your attention. With a blank face, you acknowledge him with a nod.

"My name is [name]," you say. "It's nice to meet you."

He holds back from rolling his eyes from how formal you're being.

"Yeah whatever, I already knew that. Name's Kuroo." If you're taken aback by his forwardness, you don't show it. Instead, you go to open a book that he notices is a math one and he groans.

"From what I've been told, your math grade is the lowest." Though it's on the tip of your tongue, you hold yourself from mentioning that it was the lowest grade by only a few points.

"Well then, let's begin."

---

"That's incorrect. Here, I'll show you." You write down the problem and answer it so quickly and so effortlessly that it makes Kuroo groan in frustration.

You hold back from rolling your eyes. While you knew he would be a pain in the ass to tutor, you didn't expect him to be this annoying. Every question you've asked him so far, he's got wrong. Additionally, he's barely paying attention. By now, it's past the time that you expected the session to last. You keep checking your watch and you swear time is slowing down. You wish for the library to close already.

Your irritated mood almost makes you punch him in the face but you're keeping yourself from doing that. Unfortunately.

You have to keep a good reputation, [name]. How would everyone react if they found out you punched a dude out of pure annoyance?

However, your reputation is probably the last thing you care about right now.

Wrong question after wrong question makes you even more irritated and you swear you're about to break.

"Are we done?" You shake your head. He still has yet to answer a question right.

"What? We're not? Why?" He stares at you with a confused look that infuriates you even further and you're about to answer back until he cuts you off.

"Whatever, you're going to quit just like all the other stupid tutors anyways. Besides, even if you're the school's good girl, I bet you do all sorts of stuff back here if you know what I mean-"

You abruptly grab him by his tie and force him closer to you with only a few inches between you two.

"Shut the fuck up." You snarl at him. "Holy shit are you so stupid! You can't even answer these basic math questions that even an fucking elementary student can!"

You let go of his tie and watch him back up in shock and trip over his chair, making him fall down onto the floor.

Frustrated, you're about to pack up your stuff until you see something on his pants. A bulge.

You freeze as you gape at it. Holy shit.

Kuroo follows your stare and immediately covers it, face ablaze. "S-stop looking! It's n-not what it seems like!"

As you process the situation, a devilish grin slowly makes its way onto your face. As you make your way closer to him, he backs up into the bookshelf, watching your every step. Nervousness is painted on his face. It looks rather good on him.

"Oh really? From my perspective, however," you start, bending down so that you're face to face with him and his warm face. "It looks like you're hard from me yelling at you." He feels himself getting even harder and he squeezes his eyes shut, not daring to look at you.

"You know, you're actually right." Kuroo flitches, not expecting to hear your voice so close to his ear. "Unlike what people might think, I don't read books back here all the time."

Kuroo is bright red by now, not daring to open his eyes, and instead lowers his head. He swears that if he does, he'll cum right on the spot from seeing you above him looking down with those eyes of yours.

Your warm breath fans his ear and he can't suppress the shiver that runs through his body.

"W-what do you mean?" The question comes out as a cute whisper. You smirk. "Well, who do you think gave all your friends those hickeys, hm?"

You draw back, watching him slowly open his eyes as the cogs in his head turn as he thinks. Fuck. He looks so adorable when he's confused with his eyebrows furrowed and lips forming a small pout.

That's until he realizes and you can't help but grin when it shows upon his face.

"Your friends are all rather adorable, you know? Especially Kenma. They're such good listeners when I tutor that I can't help but give them a little reward. They were even in the same exact position that you're in right now! All teary-eyed as they oh so kindly begged me to touch them."

Tears prickle Kuroo's eyes.

"Aww, are you jealous?" You feign a pout. "Why? Is it because you only want me to do this to you?"

He immediately nods his head, not caring about his reputation anymore. He just wants you to focus on him and forget his friends.

"How cute." You carefully land on your knees in front of him and untie the tie from his neck and instead use it to tie his hands behind his back. You put one of your hands on the bookshelf behind him to stable yourself.

His breath quickens when he feels your hand ghost over his chest. His senses are heightened as he patiently waits for you to do something. Anything!

"You sure you want to continue?" He nods again.

A whimper escapes him as you immediately scrunch his vest and shirt up, exposing his nipples to the cold air. He feels you place your knee between his legs and a hand on his chest.

He can't quiet his noises as you begin stimulating his whole body. A part of him tries to focus on either you teasing and touching his nipples or the knee that keeps on rubbing against his clothed dick but he can't. Only minutes in and he's already hot all over. It's clear that he's enjoying it.

"Shh, be quiet Kuroo. Don't want everyone to know that you're such a whore for me, right?"

Sobs, mewls, and whimpers leave him as he gets used like a toy for you. He doesn't care that others may hear him, he just wants you to keep going. He's so hard that it hurts.

"Look at you," you say with a sneer, "I barely touched you and you're already so hard. Are you always like this with all the other girls you've fucked? A slut?"

"S-stop it," he sobs, "I'm not h-hard- ah ah!" He gasps as your knee drives against his hard-on and your hand tweaks one of his nipples, watching as he throws his head back slightly and bites his lip to keep his noises in.

"Oh really?" You raise an eyebrow at him. "Then what's this obvious tent in your pants then, hm?" You prove your point by sharply thrusting your knee against it again, forcing another muffled whimper to escape him.

He tries hiding his face by turning it to the side but you immediately grab his chin using your free hand and force him to look at you.

"Don't," you start to say, giving him a glare. "Try covering your face. Got it?" He nods obediently and you can't help but smile.

"Good boy," you say, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. He whimpers at that.

"Oh? Who knew the school's fuckboy would love being called a good boy so much? Maybe I should call you that in front of your friends." You shrug casually. "You know, to see their reaction as your face flushes up and dick hardens. Hell, I bet you'll even like that."

He widens his eyes.

"N-no! Pleas- fuck!" He's close and you know it. Another timed squeeze of his nipple and move of your knee against his dick has him crying. It feels too good.

A tug of his hair elicits a mewl from him as he feels you bite a spot on his neck that has his eyes rolling. You continue biting and licking that spot until you're sure that it'll stay purple for a few days.

Licking your lips, you move back slightly, not enough that you have to stop your movements but enough for you to check out your work.

With his legs spread open, head thrown back, neck marked, and face flushed, Kuroo looked absolutely breathtaking.

"I-Im close!" And it looks like Kuroo is about to cum too. You take a quick glance at the clock and grin. You lean towards his ear.

"Time's up, Kuroo."

Your whisper makes him jump but right when he's about to tell you that he's going to cum, a louder voice from far away shakes him out of his headspace.

"Library closes in 5 minutes!" You stop. No no no.

Quickly standing up, you give him a slight shrug. "Guess the tutoring session is over, Kuroo."

"No! Please! D-don't go!" Ignoring his pleas and sobs, you grab your stuff and right as he thinks you're heading back to him, you only just untie his hands and nothing more.

As you're about to walk out of his sight, he sees you aim your phone at him and click the screen. After, you blow him a kiss and a wink.

"Next session is tomorrow! Don't be late!" And then you're gone, leaving Kuroo all sweating and still hard. Fuck.

Let's just say that he got to next the session rather early.

ty for reading to the end! ❤ - chaepink

╰┈➤ masterlist | rules

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goldengleams · 1 year ago

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maxed out | luke hughes

In which Luke calls you out.

Warnings: swearing, fighting

LUKE HUGHES!!!!! ANGST!!!!! Two of my favorite things, hope you enjoy!

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The week was almost over but you felt like you hadn’t achieved anything. You had completed dense readings and wrote two papers and yet an exam and a project loomed in the future. And that wasn’t including the internships you needed to apply for. Apparently they weren’t kidding when they said junior year of college was going to hit you like a ton of bricks.

Three of Luke’s attempts to set up a FaceTime date with you had gone declined, you had opted to do more work instead. Instead of watching a livestream of your boyfriend’s game, you settled for watching the highlight reel before you went to sleep, sending him a congratulatory text when he played well.

You knew long distance with Luke wouldn’t be easy but you both were willing to give it a try. Your relationship was strong when Luke was at Michigan and you thought you would be able to balance everything.

You thought wrong.

Forgotten were all the busy nights when Luke had saved you from your studies or you went to watch a movie with him in his room. Quick lunches and chats in between classes seemed so important just a year ago, but now you couldn’t bring yourself to take your mind off college.

You had sent endless apologies to Luke, which he accepted, but you still felt bad. You knew each other’s schedules pretty well so you felt bad declining his advances when he knew you didn’t have a club meeting or a class. Unfortunately, you never really had a real break due to assignments.

As you wrote in the homework for the next week in your planner, you heard other girls passing by your door. Their voices were loud as they talked about which bar to hit up first, who they were going to meet there.

You felt yourself slipping, tears forming in your eyes at the reminder that that was you. Last fall, you had the boyfriend, the friend group, the perfect schedule. Now, that had all crumbled. You hadn’t felt this alone since your first semester.

As if your body was reacting to the stress you had put it under, you felt yourself start to tremble. Your pen fell from your hand as it shook and you slumped over at your desk. You tried to breathe through the shakiness that overcame you, but it was no use.

You had pushed everyone away in hopes that you could accomplish your schoolwork and applications before you devoted time to relationships with others. Luke, especially, had hurt the most to ignore. He had never made you feel alone. Now, you felt absolutely defeated.

In the midst of your tears, you felt your desk vibrating. Lifting your head, you saw your phone sat on the charger, buzzing with a call.

“Call from Luke Hughes 🤍”

Your stomach dropped. You knew exactly what Luke was doing. About a year ago, when he had first started thinking about leaving early to play in the NHL, Luke had pushed you away, thinking it would hurt less. In an effort to save your budding relationship, you made a promise to call each other when you felt like you weren’t ready to talk face to face. If the other felt like something was wrong, a call was the way to get them to open up.

But Luke had never called you before.

Taking a deep breath, you quickly tried to gather yourself before you clicked the green answer button.

“Hey,” you croaked. You quietly tried to clear your throat so that Luke wouldn’t think something was wrong.

“Hi Y/N,” Luke said softly.

A beat went by with no conversation, so you decided to take control in an effort to steer him off his original course.

“Um, how was the game? I didn’t catch the highlights yet, I’ve just been finishing some homework.”

“On a Friday?” Luke questioned. His tone of voice was bordering on disapproving.

“Yeah, Luke,” you bit back. “I’ve been swamped with work.”

“Y/N, you’re literally the only person I know who works this hard. You can’t always be swamped with work, my god,” Luke complained. “We haven’t talked in a week, y’know.”

“I know, Luke,” you said, feeling a lump rising in your throat.

“I just don’t get it, Y/N. Things used to be so much easier. We used to actually make time for each other, and we used to-“

“Luke, don’t tell me shit I already know,” you warned. “We both knew that things would be different long distance, and we’re still figuring it out.” You knew it was a weak argument, but you felt the need to defend yourself against his fighting words. Whenever you called Luke out on his lack of communication, you never went in with criticism like this.

“No, no I will tell you because I thought we agreed to be there for each other, Y/N. You don’t even watch my games, let alone care about my well-being. It’s like you’re not even there!”

“Are you serious?” You flared. Whether it was due to Luke being the youngest sibling or just being a boy, he always knew how to push your buttons at the worst times. “You know how much I care about you, so don’t even say that, Luke.”

“Yeah well it doesn’t feel like it-it feels like I’m just another task for you now, Y/N,” Luke shouted into the phone. “I have games and practice and everything else and I still manage to talk to you!”

“Well I’m sorry that I’m still in college, trying to get a degree and an internship and every other fucking thing at the same time!” You snapped.

“See, you don’t even care that I was literally there with you, not even six months ago!” You could hear Luke slamming his hand on his desk and you imagined he had a pretty intense look on his face. This wasn’t good. “In case you forgot, I took classes and did homework too, Y/N, but I still had a social life and cared about my friends. It’s like you’re trying to act like you’re smarter than me as an excuse!”

“Fuck you, Luke!” You hadn’t meant to start yelling at Luke, especially not through the phone, but you couldn’t help it. You were at your breaking point with school and Luke was at his breaking point with you.

By now, the tears were flowing in steady streams down your face. To be pushed to the side like this by Luke was something you had never expected.

You couldn’t help the sob that escaped your throat. Once one got out, you couldn’t stop them. The weight of your relationship, school, and your future was finally crashing in on you.

“Y/N?” Luke asked. “Babe, I’m sorry.”

“No you’re not!” You mustered out through your tears. “You called me and I thought you were gonna ask me if I was okay, if I needed anything.”

“And, god, I know I haven’t been a good girlfriend or a good friend, Luke, but I’m on the verge of a fucking breakdown and, and I can barely get through each day, and I guess I just hoped you could tell,” you gasped, feeling close to the point of no return. “I hoped that you wouldn’t give up on me.”

There was silence on Luke’s end of the line.

Your heavy breathing filled in the tense space. You were acutely aware that your walls were thin and someone may have heard everything, but you couldn’t care at this point. You sniffled pitifully, full blown crying having calmed down a little.

“I’d never give up on you, Y/N,” Luke said quietly. “You know I care about you, I’d never give up on what we have.”

You felt a breath enter your lungs as he said it. Maybe there really was hope.

“For real? Because we just had a screaming match on the phone,” you let out a pitiful wet chuckle.

"Well, I did plan to call you tonight to like, actually call you out and see if you were okay but it didn't really go that way," Luke said, sheepishly. "I never wanted to make you cry, Y/N. I'm sorry."

You nodded, knowing Luke couldn't see you but feeling comfort in his intention. You took a deep breath, feeling your nerves calm.

"I mean, you weren't wrong, Luke. I haven't called you and I haven't texted, and I know it's not right but I was just so overwhelmed that I didn't want to take it out on you,” you sighed. “Everything’s been piling up and it’s hard for me to admit that I need help.”

"Y/N," Luke whined. "You know I'm here. You don't have to be stressed out all alone, babe."

"I know," you mumbled. You dragged the sleeve of your sweatshirt across your face to wipe your tears. "I miss you, Lukey. School isn’t fun when you’re not here."

Your phone started buzzing on your desk and you realized that Luke was trying to FaceTime you. You swore that boy could stay on FaceTime all day if his life depended on it. He loved just watching you through the screen, whether it was getting ready or just cooking, he enjoyed every moment of it.

“Hey babe,” he answered when you picked up. He had a small smile on his face and he looked so cute with his freshly washed hair and sweatshirt on.

“Sorry I look rank, I didn’t think we’d call tonight,” you admitted. Your hair was pulled back in an uncommitted hair style and your glasses sat on the bridge of your nose, half sliding down as you tried to wipe your eyes more.

"You look perfect, Y/N. And I miss you more, by the way," Luke countered, laughing a little. "I just want you to relax and do something other than stress about school."

“I mean, I’d like to do that too, just for the record,” you mumbled, yawning into your hand. The stress of the week was finally making you tired.

“How about you go get your nails done and go to lunch? See if Molly’s around,” Luke suggested.

You smiled at Luke on the screen. Even after your relationship was just tested, you and Luke always seemed to pull through.

“Maybe,” you replied. “I did finish my assignments for this weekend, so I could probably rela-”

“Yes! Just sent you money, I’m texting Rutger to tell Molly,” Luke rambled. Your heart warmed at the idea that he was so adamant on helping you de-stress after everything that went on this week. You watched Luke’s determined face on your phone screen as he went to work. Your boyfriend had always shown his love in actions. Luke poked away at his phone and when he was content, set the phone back up against his desk.

“Rutger said he’ll ask Molly but that she’s probably free, so you can finally leave that cave that you call a room,” he laughed.

“Oh please,” you rolled your eyes. “But thank you, that would be really fun to hang out with someone, I’ve missed doing that.”

You and Luke talked for a few more minutes, catching up on his games and his brothers. He even mentioned flying you out for a game, but that was a conversation for another day when you weren’t exhausted. It wasn’t long before your eyelids were drooping, yawns escaping your mouth frequently.

“Go to sleep, babe,” Luke said softly.

“But I want to talk to you, Lukey,” you mumbled, but also stood up to make the short walk to your bed. You climbed in under the sheets and immediately felt peace.

“Call me in the morning, okay?”

You gave a sleepy nod, and mumbled a goodnight to him. You felt better about everything you had talked about with Luke. Everything would be alright.

“Love you, Y/N,” Luke said.

“Love you, Luke, sweet dreams,” you whispered. You shut your phone off and dreamed of seeing your boyfriend again soon.

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Luke has been looking so boyfriend in the last few games so I had to write this!! Enjoy the angst 🥰 feel free to send me requests!!

#nhl hockey #luke hughes #nhl #luke hughes i love u sir #luke hughes imagine #luke hughes x reader #lukey pookie #lukey #i’m so 🥹🥹🥹

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stayinlimbo · 4 months ago

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Overgrown

pairing: kim seungmin x f!reader genre/warnings: somewhat angsty, familial issues, mentions of previous grandparent death, implied unrequited love, late high school age, mc is kinda a middleman the entire time ngl, i wrote mc as a girl but gender isn't important, horrible symbolism word count: 1.7k note: this fic is bad but it's genuinely the best i could do after not writing something this length in a while. tell me how awful it is in the comments, please and thank you ♡

The garden is overgrown again, a tangled mess of thick vines choking the once-tidy rows of flowers and weeds sprouting between the old cobblestone path of the unkempt backyard.

Seungmin couldn’t believe it. This was the third time this month his grandma had ruined his weekend. He could have been gaming with his friends or riding his bike across town, wind whipping in his hair, instead of being stuck helping with boring household chores. But no—he’s been “promoted” from scrubbing the bathroom’s tile floor to pulling weeds and trimming bushes in the scorching sun.

Seungmin tugs the last weed from the soil with a strained grunt, uprooting its stubborn hold on the earth, and almost falls on his ass (again). The weed is quickly tossed into the overflowing trash can he lugged beside him. Finally, after hours of grueling labor, he has finished. Panting in relief, he stumbles towards the backyard’s wooden fence and squats underneath the only tree offering shade from the heat.

Seungmin peels his gloves off his hands and drops them, along with his garden fork, into the dirt. The gardener’s hat his grandma let him borrow, one he suspects belonged to his grandfather from the loose fit, offers little comfort as the beads of sweat built above his brow drip down the sides of his face. He removes the hat, wipes his forehead with his arm, and runs a hand through his sweaty hair. God, he can’t wait to shower when he gets home.

“You have dirt on your face,” a voice suddenly calls behind him.

Seungmin yelps in surprise. Swinging his arms wildly, he loses his footing, barely catching himself with the heels of his palms. He pushes himself up, groaning, and ignores his aching muscles as he slowly stands to full height. Inspecting his hands, he frowns at the dirt caked onto the skin, wedged into the lines of his palms and buried beneath his fingernails—his efforts to keep his hands clean, utterly pointless.

Seungmin dusts his hands on his jeans with a resigned sigh and turns towards the fence. “You can’t even see me,” he grumbles, lifting the hem of his shirt to wipe the rest of the sweat off his face. Pulling back the fabric, he grimaces at the brown stain smudged in stark contrast against his white t-shirt.

“But I was right, wasn’t I?” you snicker, peeking your head over the fence.

It’s been a while since Seungmin last saw you, maybe even since graduation, but he can already see how kind summer’s been to you. The dark circles beneath your eyes finally faded to their normal color, no longer burdened by the pressure of all-nighters to finish schoolwork. Your skin even glows, healthy and free from the dulling effect of high school’s suffocating air.

Your smile is unrestrained, and you remind him of the girl who moved next door to his grandparents’ house all those years ago—the girl he grew up with, now a beautiful young woman, still the same person he’s admired for almost a decade. He has to remind himself that he is supposed to have outgrown the crush he once nurtured, like the roses you planted in a small pot together, now an overgrown bush, sprouting pink flowers in the far corner of the garden. At least he can blame the red flush creeping up his ears and his fluttering heartbeat on the unforgiving sun.

Seungmin tears his gaze from your playful one, hiding the warmth spreading across his cheeks. “What do you want?” he asks, ignoring your (correct) remark.

“Nothing, just watching you work,” you reply, leaning forward and draping your arms over the wooden posts. You scan the backyard, humming in satisfaction at the tended landscape. “It’s nice of you to help your grandma with this.”

Seungmin simply shrugs. “I guess.”

“She talks about you all the time to anyone who will listen, you know?” you continue, fanning your face and picking at the small strips of wood splintering off the fence.

“Let me guess, you’re one of them?” he mutters while rolling his eyes. Seungmin quickly glances back at you, noticing your smile widen even more, and his swelling heart—

“Of course,” you affirm with a nod. “How else would I get access to your baby pictures?

—plummets to his feet. “No.”

“My favorite one is you in the bathtub with all your dinosaurs and—”

“Nope! Stop right there, I get it!” Seungmin waves his hands in front of him, shaking his head to clear the embarrassing mental image. His face burns as he shuffles his feet, kicking a small rock and imagining himself as it rolls away. It doesn’t help that you’re doubled over in laughter, using the fence for support.

“I’m sorry,” you laugh, wiping away invisible tears.

You aren’t, and normally, Seungmin wouldn’t mind the light teasing at his expense—he was used to it, after all. Years of being the reason for your uncontrollable giggles, your silent laughter, and gasps for breath were worth every second of his clothes sticking uncomfortably against his skin. He’d usually counter with a quip of his own about some embarrassing thing you’d done. You’d laugh it off like you always do, and he’d join you in a lighthearted moment shared between two friends.

Except this time, Seungmin isn’t laughing.

“Whatever,” he huffs as your breathing finally evens out. He doesn’t miss the falter in your smile at his dismissal, and for a moment he feels a pang of guilt. But that emotion quickly morphs into simmering anger.

No, not anger. Frustration. Towards you. Towards himself. Towards his grandma.

God, his grandma. The mere thought of her makes Seungmin want to rip his hair out. Even in his relationships, she won’t stop hovering—won’t give him the space he so desperately needs. She burrows deeper into his life, crossing all his carefully laid boundaries and clinging to him like he’s the last lifeline tying her to the earth.

Seungmin's stomach churns; he hates how he probably is.

He hates being her closest living kin. He resents the pseudo-caretaker role forced upon him, strangling him like a vice grip. He can’t pry the suffocating fingers squeezing his throat, no matter how much he thrashes against the pressure and pleads for air. His frustration is finally boiling over, and now it’s bleeding into his friendship with you.

“But seriously, she thinks you’re a sweet kid, and she’s so happy to spend time with you while you’re here,” your voice cuts through his spiraling thoughts, snapping him back to reality.

There’s a gentleness to it he hasn’t heard since his grandfather’s funeral after he refused to set foot into the depressing house where so many joyful memories had been made—now tainted by the absence of one of its vital contributors. Your softened eyes ensnare his turmoil, once privy to no one but himself. He’s exposed, laid bare and vulnerable to your delicate scrutinization, and it’s too late to rebury what you’ve surfaced.

“Yeah, some quality time this is,” Seungmin manages, avoiding your gaze.

“I think she’s just going to miss you,” you say carefully.

Seungmin looks back at you in confusion, and it takes him a second to register what you’re referring to when you raise your eyebrows expectantly. Oh, right. He’s leaving for college soon. What he slaved away his teenage years for, hours away to live in the bustling city, far from the only home he’s ever known.

Far from you, from his friends, from his quiet life, from this quiet house.

Freedom, his hubris screams. Loneliness, his humility whispers. It doesn’t matter who is louder—he can hear them both.

“You’ll still be here for another year though, right?” he asks, a weird sense of urgency pulsating in his chest.

You shake your head. “It’s not the same.”

“It is when she only calls me if she needs something.”

“Maybe it’s the only way she can reach you,” you argue, standing straighter and undraping yourself from the posts. “How would you know if you don’t talk to her before it’s too late?”

The rickety fence creaks, and Seungmin flinches, his breath catching in his throat. Your words scrape the anxiety wired into his brain, waking it from its restless slumber. The fear that you’re right worms its way to the forefront of his mind, settling right beside his shame because he knows you are. He knows he’s not the best grandson and hasn’t been for quite some time, but he doesn’t want to stop being one.

“Also, you missed one,” you say, pointing behind him.

“Huh?”

Following your finger, Seungmin swivels his head to the far corner of the garden. In front of the overgrown rose bush, sprouting from a small crack in the center of the last stone in the weathered path, a dandelion stands proudly out of place. A weed disguised as a flower, its pillowy tufts sway slightly in the warm breeze circulating the garden. Your footsteps fade into the background as you back away from the fence, the extra heat imploring you to retreat inside. But, for once, he pays no mind, instead walking out from under the tree and treading towards the lone white weed.

As a child, he didn’t—couldn’t—understand the difference of how something so beautiful could do such harm, just that if he blew the seeds and made a wish it would come true. He knows better now, from his grandparents’ gentle scolding when dandelions ravaged the garden and stole water from the other dying plants. Still, he bends down and carefully plucks the stem from the ground.

It’s funny, he thinks as he raises the dandelion, about how much he sympathizes with this stupid weed. He’s made countless wishes in the garden over the years, ranging from toys to you one day liking (loving) him back. Not all have come true, of course, and they likely never will, but that’s not the dandelion’s fault. It didn’t ask to germinate beneath the hard soil, chasing small rays of sunlight and breaking through stone cracks to reach the surface.

The dandelion’s soft cloud of seeds is held in Seungmin’s hand, but its roots remain buried beneath the cobblestone. He takes a deep breath, makes a wish, and blows. The seeds dance in the wind, slowly floating back down to the earth and settling across the small expanse of the lawn.

Seungmin smiles wistfully. He’ll take his grandma’s scolding tomorrow.

liked this work? want to let me know how i did? please like, comment, and/or reblog; they are greatly appreciated my asks are always open ♡

taglist : @linospuddin @linocz @spicyhyunn @inlovewithstraykids @stayyyyyyyyyyyy21

@hwangism143 @feelikecinderella @celebration88 @ssickmagnolia8

#kim seungmin x reader #seungmin x reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids imagines #stray kids x you #kim seungmin #seungmin #stray kids seungmin #stray kids scenarios #stray kids #stray kids fic #skz #kpop imagines #skz imagines #skz scenarios #kim seungmin x you #kim seungmin x y/n #seungmin x you #seungmin x y/n

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brairslair · 1 year ago

Text

FEEL BETTER? ˗ˏˋ P.B.P ´ˎ˗

“all you have to do is ask”

confident!peter parker x shy!gf!reader

WORD COUNT: 3.0k

REQUESTED: no requests are open! fandoms: marvel, stranger things, harry potter (any era), scream

WARNINGS: fem reader, shit writing, established relationship, peter and reader are implied to be in college/uni, SMUT (18+), very little plot tbh, heavy praise kink, softdom!peter vibes, fingering (f!rec), very light nipple play, SUPER slight dacryphilia if u squint, peter is talkative, not proofread and written instead of sleeping, lmk if i missed smth!

A/N: is it 8am? yeah. did i just spend the last two hours writing this mess? also yeah. enjoy!

ALL CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY ARE 18+ remember to like, comment, and reblog to support my writing!

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

Six hours. That’s how long it’s been since you showed up at Peter’s front door. Six hours spent right next to him, talking to him, touching him, and yet you still find yourself longing for more. Even now as you sit between his legs, back to his chest, his hands kindly twisting at your hair, your thoughts have you squirming in your seat.

The two of you had set up this study date a few days back, anticipating the opportunity to spend time together (without sacrificing your grades). Unfortunately, you were having a hard time focusing on schoolwork.

No matter how much you tried to focus on your paper, you couldn’t stop your mind, and your eyes, from wandering. You caught yourself staring at how pretty his hands looked as he hurriedly wrote down equations, admiring how cute he looked sitting crisscross in his plaid pajama pants and science pun t-shirt, how his voice sounded just slightly deeper when he was concentrating, or how soft his lips look right now. You actually thought you were going to lose it when the praise “Good job, babe. This looks perfect!” fell casually from his lips while reading your completed assignment, sealing it with a kiss to your temple.

You felt like you were going insane, but the thing is, so was Peter. You hadn’t seen each other for nearly three weeks prior to this study date, outside of passing in the halls or a quick call before bed. Between you trying to prepare for a major presentation coming up and Peter’s multitude of responsibilities, neither of you had much energy, let alone time, left to spend on anything else.

Of course, you love everything about Peter, unconditionally. That includes his web-slinging alter ego. However, it can get a little frustrating having to go weeks on end without being able to hold a conversation with him. Especially when all people talk about is the amazing spider-man, listening to girls fawn over your boyfriend for hours a day, and feeling just as fangirl-ish. You found yourself daydreaming about him to pass the time, acting like a schoolgirl with a hopeless crush.

Seeing him again after so long with so little contact is like a wake up call for your senses. You'd been so buried in your studies that you didn’t even realize just how much you missed him until you knocked on his front door.

- “Are you okay?”

Your thoughts dissolve as Peter draws your attention back to the present. When you snap back to reality, you’re immediately reminded of what caused the spiral of daydreams to begin with. You can feel the warmth of his body behind yours, the contour of his toned chest pressing against your back. You feel your whole body heat up.

“Mhm, I’m great!” you squeak out, internally wincing at the shakiness in your voice. Your usually bright and vibrant tone is completely gone, replaced with something resembling more of a whisper than anything else.

Safe to say, Peter isn’t buying it.

His best guess is that you’re upset about something that happened today. Maybe stressed about the presentation you have coming up. He knows it sometimes takes you a while to open up, so for now, he decides to let it go. In an attempt to settle your mind, he slides a hand down your arm to lace his fingers through yours.

Unfortunately, it does the exact opposite. The innocent action leaves a trail of goosebumps behind and makes your breathing pattern pick up ever so slightly. You can only hope that Peter doesn't notice.

He does.

“Are you cold?”

You shake your head, taking deep breaths to steady yourself. “No, I’m alright.” Loosely translated, means I actually feel like I’m burning from the inside out.

“Do you not like the movie? We can change it if you want to watch something else.” he offers sweetly, leaning forward to rest his chin on your shoulder. “You’ve been all spacey for the past half an hour.”

Your breath hitches, feeling like you’ve been caught red handed. Of course he would notice. He may be a little oblivious sometimes, but when it comes down to it, Peter knows you better than you know yourself.

“The movie’s fine.” You struggle a bit to formulate a response, feeling your whole body heat up like a furnace. To evade the silence, you stutter out a weak, “I was just… thinking?”

You immediately want to light yourself on fire, deciding the silence would have been better.

“Thinking about what?” he asks. Not prying, just curious. “Must be something pretty important. Your heart is beating a mile a minute.” He softly laughs at his own words, causing you to shrink into yourself. He’s not laughing at you, but it definitely feels that way.

You fidget with Peter’s fingers in your palm, eyes locking on the movie as nerves wrack through your body. “It’s nothing.” You speak so quietly, he’s thankful for his enhanced hearing.

“Doesn’t seem like nothing.” you can practically hear the concerned furrow in his brow as he brings your still interlaced hands to his lips, leaving feather-light kisses to each knuckle. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

His patient and caring nature never fails to make you fall more and more in love with him, if that’s even possible.

Then, as if you weren’t enough of a mess, what really does it is when Peter leaves the faintest kiss to the base of your neck. A gesture meant to signal patience and understanding towards your “anxiety” only causes your thighs to squeeze together against your will, and before you can think enough to stop it, an airy, barely audible whine escapes the back of your throat, so soft it could pass as a sigh to the average ear.

Nothing about Peter is average.

He stills against your skin, causing your eyes snap open in horror as the realization hits you. Manicured hands immediately cover your face to shield you from the embarrassment.

They don’t stay long as Peter wastes no time in reaching up to gently pry your hands away. You feel like you could burst into tears at any moment from the sheer shame and frustration.

“Hey, hey-”, he holds both hands gently, rubbing sweet circles to soothe you, “No need to be embarrassed. You can talk to me.”

You don’t move your gaze from your lap.

“Come on, beautiful. Look at me.” He asks so gently that you comply before you can even think otherwise. His eyes are soft and kind, looking at you with all the love in the world. He makes you feel safe.

“Is that what you’ve been thinking about? Hm?”

You blink up at him owlishly, feeling like there would be a question mark floating over your head if you looked up.

“That’s why you were all spacey? You were thinking about me…” he leans his head down, lips grazing your collarbone, “kissing you?”

Your breath catches.

"Or, maybe..." your eyes are glued as he moves his hand from your hold, delicately trailing it down your stomach, past your hip, and slowly down to the inside of your thigh. So close to where you’ve needed him for the past three weeks. “-you were thinking about me touching you?”

Your heart rate picks up by a tenfold, and Peter can hear it hammering in your chest.

Waiting for a response, he’s met with nothing but your heavy breathing. He carefully digs his fingertips into the doughy flesh of your thigh. “Is that what you want? Do you want me to touch you?”

Another airy whimper tumbles from your lips, reluctantly nodding in response to his questions, needing him too badly to care about the shame you feel at your neediness.

Peter smiles, rewarding your response by trailing his sweet kisses up your neck, taking his time to feel you shiver under his touch. His warm lips finally reach the shell of your ear.

“All you have to do is ask.”

He resumes his attack on your neck, now bolder in his movements as he licks and bites and sucks at your skin, trying to find the spot that makes your eyes flutter shut.

Caught up in the feeling of his warm mouth against your skin, you don’t even notice as he hooks your ankles over his, slowly spreading your legs wider and wider, until your skirt rides up your legs.

Peter smiles against your skin when a shaky sigh reaches his ears, your hips bucking up in sync. He’s found it. Peter focuses all of his attention on that spot, nipping and sucking at it until you’re sure he’s going to leave a mark. The hand on your thigh squeezes gently every time you move your hips, and you have to chew on your lip to stop the mortifyingly desperate sounds from spilling out.

“Is this what you had in mind, baby?” the words rumble against your skin, sending a chill down your spine, “Is this what you needed?”

Your hips buck again at that, pouting with the hope that he takes the hint. You feel your body melt into him when his tongue darts out to soothe the fresh mark he’s left on your neck.

Of course, he does get the hint, but there’s no way he’s letting you off the hook that easily.

He inches his hand higher and higher up your thigh, slipping underneath the pretty little skirt he had bought for you as a gift a few months ago. You tense in anticipation.

“What is it?” amusement evident in his tone as he asks you. He loves that he gets to be the one that makes you this needy. “Come on, baby. Tell me.”

You almost sob in frustration, not wanting to say it out loud, but the ache between your legs is becoming unbearable.

His hand barely brushes against your panties, making your chest tighten as you suppress the urge to grind into it.

“Tell me what you need me to do.”

You can’t handle it any longer.

“Please!” You all-but shout, free hand grabbing at his arm, “Please touch me, Pete!” You cry out, already sounding wrecked and he hadn’t even really done anything yet.

Peter beams at how vocal he had gotten you, leaning his head further down to meet your lips for the first time since you got here all those hours ago. It felt like drinking water after being stranded in a desert for days. You missed the way his lips felt. The way they tasted. You crave more.

Then, he mutters two words against your lips that manage to make your hazy brain short circuit.

“Good girl.”

Your groans are pathetic, being swallowed by Peter’s tongue as he rocks his palm against you through your pretty pink panties.

He can’t help but laugh a little, giddy at the sounds spilling out of you at even the lightest touch of his hand.

“Is that better?” he asks, breaking away for air. “This what you've been daydreamin' about?” He already knows what you really want, he always does, but he wants to hear you say it one more time. Just one more confirmation and he’ll give you anything you need.

Now that your mind is so clouded with pleasure, you don’t give it a second thought. “More-” you can’t barely get out a sentence between mewls, “Please, Peter, I need more-”

Before you can say another word, he’s pushing your underwear aside. Your head falls limp against Peter’s shoulder as he gathers your slick, dragging it up to finally circle your puffy clit.

Without his mouth to drown them out, your moans flow freely from you, drowning out the long-forgotten movie playing in the distance. Peter goes back to kissing your neck, deciding to mark every area of your skin that he can reach.

“I’m sorry, baby.” he soothes, nipping at the skin right under your jaw, his own heartbeat jumping at every noise he pulls from you, “Bet you’ve been achey all day, huh?”

You nod your head, barely registering his words as pleasure rolls through your body.

He lets out an almost mocking “Aww, honey…” as you buck your hips against his fingers, “Been so patient for me, huh? Waiting all day for me to make you feel good?”

“Mhm” mixed with your pants, words tumble from your mouth without a single thought to how eager you sound, “Feels so- ohhh… sososo good-”

All you can think about is the way Peters rough fingertips feel absolutely euphoric as he swirls and flicks at your clit, and how his lips sear every inch of your skin, and how his scent and his warmth consumes and takes over every thought floating around in your blissed-out head.

“You sound so pretty-” he peppers hot kisses across your shoulder, “Making so many pretty sounds…”

Peter bends his legs a little, which in turn, bends yours. The move spreads you out just a little bit more, but its enough to send little shockwaves of pleasure through you, making you jolt and gasp at the feeling.

Peter loves the way you look when you get like this. Skin sticky with heat, eyes screwed shut, mouth hanging open in bliss. He thinks you looks like a goddess.

Your moans start to sound more and more like a plea, hips grinding against Peter’s fingers subconsciously as you feel the heat slowly taking over. You need more.

“Peter, pleaseee-“

“Shh, It’s okay.” his fingers glide down to your entrance, coating themselves with slick, “I’ve got you, pretty girl.”

Your eyes practically roll into your skull as he slips two fingers inside of you with ease. The stretch feels incredible, and you can’t help but squeeze the hand that's still holding yours, letting out a sigh of relief.

“Oh my god-“

Peter kisses back up until he reaches your lips again, grinning as you can barely reciprocate. The gentle nature of his kiss makes your head spin and your core clench around his fingers.

“Doing so good for me, sweetheart.”

You feel your lashes begin to collect tears at the overwhelming feeling pulsing through you. This has been building up for weeks.

“Always so good for me.”

Achey little noises spill from your lips onto Peter’s, breathing labored and heaving as the only thought filling your head is Peter Peter Peter.

Then suddenly your mind goes completely blank, gasping back a choked moan as your body goes limp, jaw slacking against Peter’s deep kisses. Your whole body feels like it's buzzing with electricity, and your head feels static in the most amazing way.

Peter pulls back for a moment to watch your face scrunch up in ecstasy, as he rubs against your spot over and over and over again. “There she is.” he coos, admittedly a little proud of himself, and you’re too fucked out to pick up on the mocking tone. He watches in awe as you start to fall apart.

“Takin’ my fingers so well, baby.”

You start to clench tighter around him, using your free hand to grip his wrist like a vice. Peter goes back to kissing your open mouth, sucking and nipping at your bottom lip as you pulse and twitch under his touch.

Panting turns back into whimpers which turns into tears as Peter massages your walls just right, hitting all the right places and stretching you out sooo perfectly.

You can feel pressure building up rapidly in your stomach, back arching up as your body starts to shake from the intensity. Peter shifts so he can watch the way your hips chase his fingers and your chest heaves for air.

“You’re so close, sweetheart. You can do it.” he praises, coaxing you closer and closer to the edge, “Almost there-“

The knot keeps winding tighter and tighter, and whiny begs and pleads start to pour out of you. Lots of “Oh my god, Pete“ or “Please” and “So good-“

Hand over yours, Peter glides your intertwined hands up your body and over your arched ribcage. He slides your hands under your his t-shirt, using his thumb to push your smaller one back and forth over your peak, a long chant of mumbled Peter’s tumble from your kiss-bitten lips.

“I know, baby, I know.” he consoles you, copying the pouty tone of your voice, “Just feels too good, huh?”

You nod your head frantically, still not catching onto the the tease, only caring about chasing your release.

He presses his lips to your ear, “Waited so long for this, honey. You deserve to feel good.”

He pumps his fingers a little bit faster.

“Gonna make you feel so good-“

You start to grind your hips up again, gasping when his palm rubs against your clit with each thrust.

“Pete-” the knot is getting tighter, “Oh my god, Peter- I’m…“ and tighter, “I’m gonna-”

“Let go for me, babe.”

Thats all you needed for your vision to go white hot, mouth falling open with a silent scream as stars dance behind your eyelids.

“There ya go”

“Just like that, pretty girl”

“Let it all out, baby”

He peppers kisses on your burning skin and slows his movements as he works you through your high. As you come down from it, your body goes limp on top of him, a lazy smile stretching on your lips. Peter can’t help but smile too, chest swelling in satisfaction that he was the one who put that smile on your face.

You wince a little as he slowly pulls his fingers from your core, eyes following as he brings them up to his lips to clean them off.

“Feel better?” this time you can definitely hear the cockiness in his tone, smacking him weakly on the arm. “Shut up.”

You turn around just enough to kiss him. This time, it’s slow, and careful, and loving, and you have to pull away and bury your face in his chest to hide the lovesick look in your eyes. Both of you burst out giggling, and Peter can't stop himself from wrapping his arms around your waist to keep you as close as possible. He’s missed you more than you could possibly ever know.

As relaxation coats you like a warm, fuzzy blanket, you shift your weight to get comfortable.

“Ah, don’t-“

Peter squeezes his eyes shut, hissing at the sudden pressure and gripping your hips to keep you still. “Can't do that...”

Now it’s his turn to get flustered.

His face goes beet red as you jump up in confusion. When you look down, you notice a painful looking bulge in his jeans. Your stomach twists with the knowledge that you did that to him.

You weren’t the only one who’s been touch deprived.

“Oh! Sorry…” you giggle a little at the accidental stimulation, looking back up at Peter with a playful smile of your own. “Your turn!”

______________________________________________________________

part 2??

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vampwritesstuff · 1 year ago

Text

TMNT Brothers when Reader is Sick.

Type: Headcannons

Request?: not a request

TMNT Version: not specified, although I wrote this imagining the 2012 version, this could fit with most other versions.

CW: it’s mentioned that reader stays with Leo in his room and Raph puts reader in his bed, nothing nsfw tho (idk if that’s counts but I’m adding it anyway), Reader’s gender is not specified ! Each character’s part differs in length cause it’s hard to write for some of these boys lol.

if you wanna see more of my writing, checkout my Multi-Fandom Masterlist !

LEO

bro does not know what is wrong with you until you actually tell him you’re sick.

Once he knows that you’re sick, he’s spending every waking moment making sure that you’re properly taken care of.

Won’t let his brothers near you within a 20ft radius. (Not only because you are sick but also doesn’t want his brothers getting sick. He also has to prioritize their health as well :((. )

He gets a little more anxious when you’re sick, he has no idea if your common cold could turn into some life threatening illness.

Refuses to let you out of his sight, which consequently ends up with you rooming with him while you recover.

Is ready to wait on you hand and foot, you want a thicker blanket? A tissue box? You’re not moving from that spot on his bed cause he’s already out the door and dragging whatever you need back into the room.

Have schoolwork/work reports to do? He’s forcing a begrudging Donnie to do it for you.

Overall he’s just an anxious, caring boyfriend who wants to make sure his sick s/o is as comfortable as possible.

RAPH

Unlike Leo, he can tell you’re getting sick as soon as you start taking naps when you normally don’t nap.

Is pulling your sleeping form off the couch and is laying you down on his bed, going to get a cool wet washcloth and some medicine to help your fever.

Once you wake up, he’s scolding you and calling you an idiot for letting yourself get sick.

Acts like he doesn’t really care much but is actually very worried about your health. What has you stressing yourself out so much that you make yourself sick? Is all he can ask himself.

Of course he won’t actually ask you, gotta keep up the tough guy act.

However, once you’re feeling better, he’s keeping a closer eye on you to make sure you don’t overwork yourself.

“Quit doing that.” “Doing what?” “Ignoring your own health just to help others out.” “Oh.”

MIKEY

Basically turns into your personal chef.

He’s not great at actually doing anything to really help you get better, he asks Donnie to help him out with your medicine.

However, mans will make sure you’re eating good.

Like, he actually has a meal plan for all of his brothers for when they get sick, why would you be any different?

You want something to eat but food upsets your stomach? He’s finding the perfect food for you that will taste good and not upset your stomach.

Tired of water? He’s finding you a different drink that’s just as hydrating.

Hates forcing you to eat when your sick, but you gotta eat something to keep your body functioning :((

Will happily cook anything for you if you ask him for it, doesn’t care if it might upset your stomach, he’s just happy you have enough of an appetite to ask him for food instead of him feeding you on a schedule.

He gets super cuddly when you’re sick, he doesn’t care if you don’t want him getting sick, he just wants to comfort you and he thinks cuddling is a great way to do that.

Mikey basically turns into a malewife.

DONNIE

The only brother that knows how to treat you symptomatically.

I mean, cmon he’s smart and this is definitely not his first go around with someone he cares about being sick.

Unlike the others, he’ll avoid getting extremely close to you cause he’s a little germaphobic.

Not to the point though that he won’t consider even being in the same room as you, man just doesn’t wanna get sick either.

He’ll have you try random home remedies that he finds on the internet. But if those don’t work, he’ll just treat you with regular medicine.

He feels sorry if you have to take that nasty tasting medicine though, and in his words (and Mary Poppins’) “A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.”

Yes, he will make you eat a spoonful of sugar after taking any gross tasting medicine.

It’s the thought that counts right?

Even though he’s not physically affectionate with you when you’re sick, he will do little acts of service and gift giving.

Tried making a robot that would do things for you when him and his brothers were on missions, but it malfunctioned and would’ve started a fire if he hadn’t come back in time.

Found one of those microwaveable lavender scented rice stuffed animals and gave it to you, he’s actually very proud of himself for that gift.

Overall just really sweet when your sick.

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt x reader #tmnt x y/n #tmnt x you #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2018 #tmnt bayverse #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt raphael #tmnt donatello #tmnt leonardo

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cuffmeinblack · 11 months ago

Text

Between the Lines

Andrew Larson x reader

Tags: Ravenclaw reader | fluff | tension | slice of life | very mild spice

5.1k words

Summary: Something on the noticeboard catches your eye; a book club run by your fellow Ravenclaw. Joining might be the best decision you ever make.

A/n: Yes, I wrote 5k words of pure fluff, sue me. Credit to @ellivenollivander for book club nerd Andrew inspo. Credit to myself for giving him glasses because I'm a self-indulgent pos.

⤍ Andrew Larson masterlist ⤎

By the time you’d found your way back to the Ravenclaw common room, your eyes—now permanently imprinted with light from distant stars—no longer bore the tiredness the late hour invited. In fact, you were wide awake, mind buzzing with maps of constellations and mentally writing your homework assignment not due for another week. It appeared your classmates felt the same annoying spark of energy that would delay sleep until the wee hours. Amit appeared to already be working on his essay, parchment and quill pulled out of his bag and lain across one of the coffee tables. With a sigh, you stalked through the room, bathing in the soft glow of ever burning candles and starlight, coming to a stop near a bookcase filled with mostly educational textbooks. The lone book of Muggle literature seemed to have been borrowed, only a gaping hole left behind.

Another late night atop the Astronomy tower concluded with an assignment that promised yet more of the same. The howling wind almost blew you down the stairs in the rush below, students clamouring into the relative warmth of the castle. The deeper you descended, the more your muscles relaxed—despite the warming charm you'd cocooned yourself in at the beginning of your lesson, it was clearly no match for the harsh Scottish Winters. In front of you, you spotted others shivering still, rubbing their arms, teeth chattering, including the ash blond hair you recognised as Andrew Larson's. He was perhaps the only other student who enjoyed the subject as much as Amit, who's enthusiastic smile appeared frozen in place.

Instead of grumbling your annoyance, you let your eyes drift over the adjacent noticeboard, chuckling softly at the personal notes that littered the display. Love letters sat side by side with passive aggressive scrawls, replies inked haphazardly in the margins of the papers. Your gaze finally fell onto the more serious announcements, ignoring the notice from Headmaster Black that was sure to be a load of old tosh. A new piece of parchment caught your eye, pinned to the very top, the stiff paper curling upwards. With a delicate finger, you peeled it down to reveal the neat and somewhat familiar penmanship detailing a new club—a book club. Well, if that wasn't right up your street…

“Interested?”

The softly melodic voice interrupted your reading, and you turned to face Andrew, a hopeful glint in his eyes—or perhaps that was the lingering starlight still etched into your own retinas.

“Is this your book club?” you asked, surprised that the quiet boy would be interested in running such a thing.

“Yes, though I only put the notice up yesterday. Are you interested, then? I've seen you reading in the common room a lot…”

He flushed slightly, perhaps realising he'd said too much. The thought of Andrew Larson noticing you doing anything made the corners of your lips quirk upward.

“What kind of books are we talking? Not schoolwork I presume.”

“No, nothing of the sort. A little bit of everything I suppose,” he mumbled, suddenly unsure as your scrutinising gaze bore into him. Only then did you notice him clutching a book under his arm, which now appeared in front of your face—a fine green leather bound edition with gold text.

“Dickens?” you asked, tilting your head to read the cover.

He nodded. “For starters. Conan Doyle, Stevenson, Warbeck…”

You snorted a little at the last, the famous witch being an author you’d not expected him to enjoy. “Warbeck? Read a lot of romance novels, Andrew?”

“Well…maybe…,” he blushed, then took a deep breath to rally his confidence. “There's nothing wrong with branching out into other genres.”

“No, you're right,” you replied, quietly watching him. There were clearly things you didn't know about your classmate. Though you'd not admitted to it, you'd noticed him reading in the common room, too, head dipped and perfectly coiffed hair falling over his eyes as it loosened after a long day. He tended to idly bite his nails as he did so—a terrible habit, yet oddly endearing to see him so engrossed in the pages, nibbling away. At no point had you caught him with a romance novel in hand, though, and given the content of some of Warbeck’s novels you had the sneaking suspicion he kept them for bedtime.

Your mind was made up. Plunging a hand into the bag still slung over one shoulder, you pulled out a self-inking quill and returned to the parchment notice. A quick scribble and your name was the first to join the sign-up sheet.

“Welcome to the Hogwarts book club,” Andrew said, beaming. The amber flecks in his eyes glittered as he turned to face you, tucking the book back under his arm. No doubt the club would be fun, the avid reader that you were, but it might have been worth signing up just to see his smile.

Days passed with giddy anticipation, until Andrew had passed you a note during Arithmancy the following week. It had surprised you, jolting you out of a near-slumber as the neatly folded parchment fluttered onto your desk. All it contained was a date, a location, and a little doodle of a book that coaxed forth a sleepy smile, earning you a public admonishment from your professor. You'd tucked it into your robes where it stayed for the remainder of the day, fingers fumbling the edges as you walked the halls. You'd never before been so excited about an extracurricular activity that didn't involve flying spherical deathtraps, and you suspected that part of it was due to the quiet and devastatingly handsome boy running it. The first meeting of the so-far-unnamed book club would take place that evening in the Charms classroom, no doubt with Professor Ronen’s blessing yet you hoped that the man himself wouldn't be attending—it was ever so hard to relax when teachers were around.

After dinner, you took the opportunity to shower and dress more comfortably, styling your hair and paying far too much attention to your appearance. You supposed the first meeting would be a way to meet your fellow club members and vote on the first book, but you tucked a couple of your favourites in a satchel anyway, eager for any opportunity to gush about the intricately crafted worlds you'd come to love just as much as Hogwarts. You had a skip in your step as you travelled the quiet corridors towards the classroom, stopping briefly along the way to stroke a few cats, eager for attention. The landing was clear, door ajar with nothing but silence within. The eeriness had you checking the time and rereading the note that now had hundreds of creases along its length. One minute early. You pushed the door open to reveal an empty room, bathed in gold from the setting sun.

“Welcome.”

The voice made you startle, and you turned to see Andrew perched on Professor Ronen's desk, once again clutching a book under his arm.

“Hi,” you said with a smile, glancing around the room to avoid staring at him. He'd dressed in cotton breeches and a smart navy jumper, and you hadn't failed to notice the gold rimmed spectacles perched on the bridge of his nose. “I'm the first to arrive?”

Andrew shuffled his boots on the floor, eyes cast downwards. “You're actually the only one who signed up.”

Now you looked at him, almost falling sideways from the weight of your bag and the way he peered over his glasses at you. “I'm surprised our fellow Ravenclaws didn't want to be involved,” you said with a quiet chuckle.

“Me too. Since it's just us, you don't have to stay.” He shrugged, though you could tell that it bothered him, the disappointment in his tight smile.

“I'd still like to carry on, if it's okay with you. Maybe more will join over the next few weeks…”

You stepped a little closer to him, debating whether to squeeze his arm in a show of solidarity and sympathy. Instead, you faltered, awkwardly swinging your arms by your sides. He didn't notice, tucking his book back into his bag as if to leave—the rejection of your company stung painfully.

“Shall we go back to the common room, then? It's more comfortable there, and…”

“Yes, good idea,” you interrupted with an audible sigh of relief.

The walk back was filled with friendly chatter, never delving too deep—questions about your classes, his plans for the weekend, the weather—and never straying to the reason you'd ventured out here in the first place. Official book talk would only commence once settled into the common room, it seemed. Andrew, taking his position as club leader, picked out two armchairs by one of the towering arched windows, the backdrop now one of inky black as night well and truly settled. Tucking your feet underneath you, you tried to get comfortable as he called the meeting to order.

“I thought we could start by discussing some books we've read recently, then agree on a title to finish before the next meeting,” he said, suddenly adopting an air of confident formality.

You tried to suppress a smile, though you weren't entirely successful. “If that's what you'd like to do. Maybe you can tell me about the last Warbeck novel you read. Please tell me it was ‘Call of the Harpy’.”

Andrew huffed, a slight blush creeping up his neck. “Actually it was ‘Dragon Fire’,” he muttered. “I'm not going to discuss that.”

Teasing out of the way, you talked about recent reads and went back and forth with suggestions. It somewhat surprised you how easy it was, falling into conversation with him until the room emptied and candles dimmed. You'd found yourself subconsciously edging closer towards him, caught up in his radiating passion. His shyness seemed to melt the longer he spoke, and you along with it. It was almost midnight by the time you agreed to delve into ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ for next time.

“Shall we meet again in a fortnight?” he asked.

You wanted to say no, demand something sooner, but instead you nodded. “Sounds good. Let's hope some more people join us,” you replied, not meaning a word of it. These few hours had been far too enjoyable in just his company, the last thing you wanted was another voice to pull his attention, as selfish as the thought was.

You finished the book in four days. The fifth was spent making notes, annotating every margin with points you thought worth discussing. The sixth had you climbing the walls, biting back the urge to storm up to the blond whenever you saw him, eager to know when your next meeting would be. You noticed him still reading almost every evening, nibbling his nails and deep in thought, and during the day you exchanged pleasantries, or passed each other like ships in the night as you mingled with your separate friendship groups. You swore you felt his eyes on you during Arithmancy. On the eighth day, you were walking back to the common room with Samantha when you noticed a fresh slip of parchment pinned to the noticeboard—how could you not, when your eyes diverted there every morning and every evening? The original notice for the Hogwarts Book Club remained in place, still bare and devoid of any signature but your own, yet on top there lay a curling piece that you knew was written by Andrew the closer you approached.

“What is it?” Samantha asked, following beside you. “I forgot you joined the book club. Maybe I should, too, but I'm so busy with chess and summoner's court…”

“You don't want to take on too much,” you replied with just the slightest pang of guilt. Your attention diverted to read the paper, happily noting that the next meeting would be only three days away. Samantha was mumbling something beside you, trying to talk herself into signing up. Part of you felt annoyance towards your classmates, and bafflement; yet another, larger part was pleased that the club was just you and Andrew. Still, the thought of his downcast eyes and obvious disappointment when he realised nobody else would be attending flared in your mind, prompting an uncomfortable twist of your stomach.

“I’m sure Andrew would be happy for another member.”

“I’ll think about it,” she hummed.

Once she'd departed for bed, you settled on a sofa facing the fire with a new book, having now exhausted everything ‘Dorian Gray’ had to offer. That night, you had company.

“Not reading your assigned text?”

You looked up to the familiar, soft voice to find big brown eyes creased from a smile. You smiled back, rolling your eyes. “I finished days ago. You're slacking."

Andrew motioned at the space next to you, a silent question you responded to with a nod. He didn't say anything else, just looked a little bashful as he turned to his book, now on the final few chapters by your estimations. Lapsing into silence, you fell back into your own story whilst the common room melted away around you, the chatter dulling to an unnoticeable hum. Only occasionally did you reach a natural pause, peering over at Andrew to check his progress, admire his profile, his slender form draped over the arm of the sofa.

“I'm finished,” he said sometime later, stretching his arms above his head to reveal a slight tuft of ash blond hair that smattered his taught abdomen. There was absolutely no way you could concentrate on your book now.

“At long last. What did you think?”

“That's a question for our next meeting.”

So instead, you talked about everything else.

A month passed and meetings came once a week or so, the time between them growing shorter and shorter. Reading together in the dimly lit common room seemed to have become routine, neither of you feeling the need to make awkward small talk to while away the hours, simply happy to sit comfortably in each other’s presence whilst immersed in other worlds. You'd not expected the friendship—grown so late in your time at Hogwarts—and somewhat missed the years that could have been. Laying in bed at night, you'd wondered if it wasn't too late for something more. His earthen eyes behind the gold frames haunted your dreams, whilst conscious hours dwelled on how soft his hair might be, or how pliant his lips against yours. He must have caught you staring, as you'd done him.

“We need a club name.”

Perched in the usual spot on your sofa, now several inches closer to the middle, you voiced the idea you'd thought of whilst Andrew had been busy updating a list of prospective books for the following week. You were so close your legs touched, bodies drawn together like magnets that seemed to ignite your skin upon contact. Neither of you flinched away, nor commented on it.

“Do we? I'm not even sure we count as a club.”

“Maybe if it was more official, people would come?”

Andrew looked at you with a curious expression, perhaps wondering why now you'd suggested recruiting more members when it had been just you two for so many weeks. His knee withdrew just an inch, and you regretted suggesting it, craving the slight pressure, the warmth. The truth was, you were nervous of where this was headed. The tension between you rippled and sparked every time you were alone, and it was just a matter of time before you cracked and did something disastrous, or potentially embarrassing.

“Hm, it can't help to try,” he chuckled. “What did you have in mind?”

“I hadn't thought that far. Erm, ‘Book Buddies’? ‘Rabid Readers’?”

He hummed and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “‘Page Turners?’ ‘Once Upon a Tome?’”

Your face cracked into a smile as you grabbed the parchment and quill from Andrew's hands, fingers brushing. Your heart pounded at just the smallest touch of skin, so distracting you almost forgot what you were doing. With a quick and messy scrawl, you inked ‘Once Upon a Tome’ across the top of the paper and held it up.

“You couldn't have written that a bit neater?” Andrew said.

“I’ll let you continue to do the official notices, don't worry.”

“That's probably for the best.” He held out his hand and for one moment of insanity, you thought he was asking for yours. Of course, he was simply waiting for you to return the parchment. Embarrassingly, you couldn't help the disappointment as you rolled it up and slid it into his palm, your body reacting to the gentle brush of fingertips with a swell of warmth and affection. The exchange lasted for agonising moments, yet was over altogether too soon. Andrew tucked it into his bag on the floor but remained planted on the sofa.

“Well, that's all for this week,” he said hesitantly. “Have anything planned this evening?”

“No, nothing. Do you?”

He shook his head and bit his lip before looking at you with hope in his eyes. “Do you want to…I don't know, take a walk?” He almost flinched as if the suggestion were a terrible one.

“That sounds nice,” you replied with a warm smile. An excuse to spend even more time together wasn't to be passed up. “If we're going outside, I'll need a cloak.”

“I'll meet you here in a few minutes then?”

Donning your heaviest Winter cloak, a navy blue woolen affair, you jogged down to the common room to find him already waiting, holding a pair of black gloves. Whilst the hour was late and light was all but gone, it was still before curfew. You followed him down the tower, turning to the nearest exit that brought you into the refreshing night air. You hadn't noticed just how stuffy the common room had been with the roaring fire and mingling scents—the gentle breeze was most welcome. You talked and talked until you came to a stop on the parapet, leaning against the low wall that surrounded Hogwarts and looked out over the lake. The ripples on the surface looked too tumultuous to be caused by the wind, and you glared down at the glittering surface.

“Do you think a storm's brewing?” you asked, pointing below.

“I don't think so. Perhaps it's the mer down below.”

“You really think there's mermaids in the Black Lake?”

“I like to think so, even if it's nonsense. It can't all be grindylows and vicious fish with too many teeth down there.”

“Not a fan of the fish, Andrew?”

“I prefer my feet on dry land and fish on my dinner plate, thank you.”

You chuckled and turned your head back towards the lake, the ripples now stilling, yet you noticed something more alarming further out. The water had only stilled as the waters receeded in preparation for a wave. As if sucked into a giant plug hole, it rushed inward, bubbled, then burst outward. Andrew jolted and shouted in surprise beside you, your own mouth agape as you watched tentacles flailing and a huge, slimey head rear from the lake. You'd never seen the giant squid in all your years at Hogwarts, only heard of its size and the rumours of disappearing students who lingered too close to the water's edge. From the wall high above, you knew he couldn't reach you, but something had gotten it in a tizzy and you instinctively took a miniscule step backwards. You weren't high enough to completely avoid its spray, though, as a fine, salty mist now coated your face.

“It's amazing,” Andrew gasped.

“One word for it…monstrous is another.”

“Come on, look at it! I've never seen it before…or anything like it.” His excitement was palpable, and you almost clutched a fistful of his cloak to stop him from leaning too far over the edge.

The squid flailed again, more of a belly flop, sending a huge wave to the beach as it plunged back underwater and out of sight. Soon the only sound was the crash of water against the pebbles and your own heavy breathing. Only then did you realise you'd been clutching his arm, and his hand had found its way to the small of your back. You looked at him and he tore his eyes away from the lake, both standing in silence as the gravity of your instinctive pull to one another settled. As on the sofa, you'd found yourself growing subconsciously closer. It appeared there was no stopping it.

“You're wet,” he remarked. His eyes widened after he'd said it, his burning cheeks evaporating the water right off his skin.

“A little. So are you. It was worth it though, right?”

“Yes, it was worth it,” he said.

You weren't sure if you were talking about the squid or the fact that his hand still held firm against your back. Judging by the slightly furrowed brow, neither did he.

The new addition to the noticeboard almost blended into the myriad other notices—if it weren't for Andrew's recognisable handwriting, neat and elegant like the man himself—you’d have missed it. Of course the tiny book doodle in the corner was a giveaway for whom it was for. You read the contents, and your cheeks burned involuntarily. You had to read the note three times, inspecting every letter for forgery. It contained a date and time, and curiously, a new location. A flick of paper confirmed that no names had been added to the signup sheet for your newly titled club. Perhaps Andrew was bored of the common room, but the astronomy tower seemed an odd place for discussing literature, with not a comfortable chair in sight and no lights to speak of except the ones dotting the sky. A flicker of hope ignited, that perhaps he had other ideas for that evening.

Neither of you mentioned the curious change in venue as you chatted during classes or smiled across the laden breakfast table. You'd told Samantha everything you knew and suspected, and her dark eyes flitted between you both with a smirk on her face. By the time you were due to leave for the astronomy tower on a Tuesday evening, your friend had become insufferable in her teasing.

“Make sure you wear that perfume…”

“Sam, it's just a book club.”

“Of course it is. In the Astronomy tower. Alone.”

That final word made your stomach squirm. Still, you packed your book into your satchel and ignored the perfume sitting on the dressing table, passing Samantha with a wave met only by an eye roll. The tower was quiet, no classes scheduled and the bitter wind warding off all but the most dedicated students. Even Amit had decided to do his stargazing from the comfort of the common room that night. Andrew was already waiting, leaning against the railing and peering out at the clear night sky. Dressed in a black winter cloak, he almost blended in with the landscape were it not for his hair, almost silver in the soft moonlight.

“Strange place to meet,” you remarked, causing his head to whip around.

He shrugged, smiling shyly as you approached. “I thought it would be quiet. And…” He looked out at the sky again, as if the view was answer enough. It was.

“What would you have done if someone else had decided to join our club?” you asked.

“Apologise profusely and ask them to make themselves scarce.”

Smiling at him, you waited for him to carry on, but he seemed to be too nervous to say anymore. His gaze dropped from your eyes to your lips, throat bobbing as he swallowed deeply.

“So, why are we up here?” you prompted.

Andrew let out a deep exhale, his breath producing a cloud of mist between your faces. Mint. He'd brushed his teeth. The fact that you were now close enough to have noticed such a thing almost startled you. “I wanted to tell you something,” he said whilst shuffling his feet. He looked nervous, ready to bolt back down the stairs given the way he avoided your stare. Perhaps that's why you decided to be bold, and put him out of his misery.

“I like you, too.”

The seconds after blurting those four words out seemed to stretch into minutes, maybe even hours. Whilst you tried hard to keep your face neutral, inwardly your thoughts were in turmoil, desperately awaiting his response. Anything. Your chest hurt with the aggressive thumping of your heart, your palms felt sweaty despite the cold…

“You knew?” he asked.

“I guessed, or hoped.”

“I had a whole speech planned.”

“You can still say…” The rest of your sentence was cut off by his lips pressing against yours. The initial shock dissipated quickly, your body heating and blood rushing as it responded to his kiss. Only a tempting press of lips and it was over too soon—Andrew pulled back, the tip of his nose still brushing your skin as he took another deep, shuddering, minty breath. He seemed to be allowing you a chance to pull away, as if that were ever an option. Your hand snaked around his neck, another fisting the heavy fabric of his cloak, pulling him so eagerly he almost stumbled and fell straight into another, deeper kiss. This time he didn't hold back, gripping your waist with slender fingers, firm and sure.

You could have kicked yourself for how long you'd waited for this to happen. All those weeks spent agonisingly close on that sofa, you could have been doing this. And it was everything you'd dreamed of; his lips just as soft; tongue just as warm and offering such a gentle caress. His hands remained respectfully at your waist, yet the way he kneaded at your flesh suggested he wanted more. You shivered in response to a quiet moan as his tongue delved deeper, your bodies pressing tighter. When you finally broke for air, his fingers curled in your hair and he held you close, foreheads touching as you gathered your breath. Never before had you experienced a kiss quite like it, an outpouring of a deep well of tension. There'd be no going back now, not when you'd had a taste of him.

“Andrew...” Your voice was breathier than usual, and you felt an unmistakable twitch in his breeches. He almost pulled away, but you held him firm, lips barely brushing as you felt your own arousal simmering dangerously close to the surface. The temptation was overwhelming, yet you knew he was a gentleman. His expression was almost pained with desire.

“I won't do anything you don't want me to,” he finally said.

“I don't want you to think I go about doing this with every boy.”

He chuckled and brushed a finger under your chin, tilting your head enough to meet his gaze. Gods, he had beautiful eyes. “I don't think that. I really only wanted to tell you that I like you as more than a friend and to…well, to ask you if you'd like to accompany me to Hogsmeade at the weekend.”

A date, of course. Your mind had been in the gutter from the moment his lips met yours. Perhaps a faint flicker of disappointment had appeared on your face as Andrew smiled wider, his cheeks now a rosy pink.

“Give me three dates,” he mumbled.

You let out a nervous giggle before kissing him again. “Two, and I promise to keep my hands to myself until then.”

It was a while before you were defeated by the cold, lured back to the castle. You held hands on the walk back to the common room and Andrew cast warming charms on you both to dispel the chill. As beautiful as the view was on top of the Astronomy tower, you preferred the one right next to you. He was a little quieter than usual, perhaps nervous for what was about to come. It was only a promise of a date, yet the way your hands entwined so surely and perfectly, you had the impression that it was a mere formality, that your hearts were perhaps already promised to one another.

The end of the school year brought tears for the loss of classmates, promises to friends and a palpable excitement that rippled through the seventh years as they embarked upon new adventures. Andrew had travelled home a week earlier than most, leaving you feeling empty, despite the revelry taking place around you. Countless parties had been thrown to mark the occasion, yet you most of all missed the quiet hours spent curled up in his arms reading, talking, or much more physical pursuits. It had been worth the wait.

Along with much of the common room’s occupants you had a hangover, and inwardly cursed the Hufflepuffs for their home-brewed mead. Samantha recoiled from the soft morning light beside you, collapsing into an armchair with her trunk beside her and muttering about needing a pepperup potion. The train would be leaving in an hour, and all around you people were saying their goodbyes, perhaps for the final time. You'd be sad to see the castle go, and all the memories it held. The people you'd met would still be only an owl or floo away, though, and you looked down at Samantha's crumpled form with a fond smile. A final sweep of the room, and you were ready to go, rallying your friend with promise of hot cocoa on the train. She grumbled but traipsed behind you, until you were stopped in your tracks by something you'd missed that made your heart leap almost clean out of your chest.

You'd spotted a note on the noticeboard with the familiar little book doodle in the bottom right corner. Without Andrew, you'd not bothered to check for any notices, yet here it was—one final note for the book club that had started it all.

“Sam, I'll meet you outside…”

“Is that from Andrew?” she asked, peering over your shoulder. “Ooh, let me see!”

“I'd rather read it alone, if it's all the same to you.”

She tilted her head in disappointment but had no energy to argue, muttering about getting the information out of you later on the train as she slinked off to wait. Your gaze dropped to his beautiful handwriting, the care he'd taken to make this particular parchment worth keeping was evident. Removing it carefully from the pin, you began to read.

‘It started with Once Upon a Tome,

Now Princess, let's have our Happily Ever After,

I shall see you again in the Summer,

The beginning of our adventure.

Yours,

Prince Charming’

You held it close, warmth spreading through your tired body as the sounds of the common room evaporated around you. You recalled every minute spent with him, every date you'd squeezed into the remaining months of the school year. You owed it all to that one fateful day when you'd taken a chance to join a book club. A fairytale ending, indeed.

#andrew larson #andrew larson fanfiction #hogwarts legacy

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sideprince · 2 months ago

Note

I would personally love to read your 30 page dissertation on privilege, bigotry, and misplaced abuse trauma 🙏

Haha, I haven't actually written it but challenge accepted! This ask is referring to a comment on this post, for reference. It goes without saying, as will become apparent in this post, that I condemn JK Rowling's bigotry and don't support her in any way. As always, TERFs will be blocked on sight so DBI (don't bother interacting).

OK, so.

A bit about Rowling

I'm going to try my best not to do any armchair diagnosing, and to stick with existing statements Rowling has made about her abuse and stance on feminism. A lot of Rowling's current bigotry and biases - her assertion of the gender binary in ways that uphold patriarchal power structures, her (upper?) middle class privilege blinders - are compounded by her abuse trauma in ways that perpetuate abusive behavior, but were also always present to some degree and made apparent in her approach to a number of characters in Harry Potter. This came up in a post about SWM and the sexual assault that occurs, and my reading of it as having been written to illustrate that Snape was unpopular in school, instead of as a condemnation of James and Sirius as bullies. I'm not the first to point out that Rowling wrote Snape unkindly, and she also speaks of him without sympathy and with judgment in interviews. This reveals a lot more problematic aspects of her thinking than it appears to at first glance, not to mention that this approach to writing a character is something I think is counterproductive and ultimately detrimental to the text.

Rowling grew up middle class, had an unhappy adolescence, and a strained relationship with her father. She went to the University of Exeter, which is basically where upper class kids who couldn't get into Oxford or Cambridge go, and where she says she did little schoolwork and spent a year studying abroad in Paris. This implies a fairly comfortable upbringing, especially as most students who are struggling financially are unable to afford doing a study abroad year (all of this information is on her wikipedia page, btw). She got married in a vulnerable state - having moved to Portugal after her mother's death and being laid off from her job - to an abusive man named Jorge Arantes. After she eventually left him, she claimed to have been very poor, moving to Edinburgh as a single mother.

Her description of poverty, however, involved writing at a cafe every day in Edinburgh, an expensive choice in an expensive city. Anyone on the dole (welfare) in the 90s wouldn't have been able to do that, nor someone living paycheck to paycheck and counting pennies. This is the idea of poverty of someone who's used to a solidly (upper???) middle class lifestyle (I spent time in Edinburgh during college and despite having worked alongside classes I could barely afford more than a coffee and maybe a biscuit at the local cafe if I went daily). Being a single mother is hard no matter what, acknowledment to that, but the press - and I think Rowling herself - played up the narrative of the poor, struggling mother living hand to mouth to romanticize her story. Writing at cafes sounds like the idea of poverty of someone who has a lot of privilege, but is a luxury to someone living in actual poverty, especially in England in the years after Thatcher.

There's a phenomenon known as "white tears" that anyone who's studied racism in the U.S. will be familiar with, of white women exploiting their social status positing themselves as vulnerable, ill fated victims in order to gain sympathy. There's a similar phenomenon in the UK, that I think Rowling turned to her advantage with her own narrative, leaning on her victimhood as a domestic abuse survivor and exaggerating her poverty in Edinburgh in order to build a sympathetic brand for herself. This served her as the author of a children's book series, and as the HP series was released, she ensured there were press events where she read to children, and was thus constantly perceived by the public through photos of her as the quintessential matriarch to young readers, the heroic mother and survivor who is perpetually surrounded by loving children looking up at her with admiration.

This became problematic when she began to weaponize this status she had built and turn it against trans people in order to perpetuate her personal bigotry. I can't say how much of this was deliberate and calculated, and how much of it was fed by radicalization and the psychological effects of fame such as entitlement and the inability to cope with differing opinions from her own. I also can't say how much of this has been a mis-directed projection of unprocessed abuse trauma, which can often perpetuate a cycle of abuse through victims who enact it on others because it's what they've learned to expect from the world and is therefore also the primary way they know how to interact with others (or rather that abuse victims struggle to regulate their emotions in healthy and constructive ways and often end up doing so in destructive - or even self-destructive - ones). What I can say is that there's a significance in her choice to publicly pursue a personal bias in the ways she has, and that she's consistently relied on her White Tears to dig her heels in, in the face of opposing viewpoints.

How is all this reflected in the HP books? I'll do my best to keep this reasonably brief.

Misplaced abuse trauma

The most obvious indications of unprocessed abuse trauma are the myriad examples of excused and under-rug-swept abusive behaviors throughout the books. To understand these we must first understand how abuse is perceived from the victim's perspective - and this can be difficult, because abuse is notoriously (and insidiously) difficult to understand the dynamics of if you haven't experienced it firsthand. It can be difficult to understand even if you have experienced it, and a lot of the work therapists do with abuse survivors is centered around this kind of processing.

All people struggle to see someone they love in a bad light, or as doing things that only "bad people" would do, and abuse victims are no exception. Abusive behavior gets excused because the person perpetuating it is framed by the victim as being justified in their actions (often by blaming themselves) or because they're perceived as a good person so they couldn't possibly do harm. It's a common misconception that abusers are bad, evil people - most of the time they're well liked people with a lot of friends, who are also emotionally damaged and have unhealthy tendencies to exert control over others in moments of emotional dysregulation. These moments usually happen behind closed doors, because even the abuser tends to feel ashamed of themselves when they happen (and obviously that doesn't excuse or justify their behavior in any way).

Abusers still love their children/partners/etc. and also have warm, loving moments where they bond with their victims. There's just also a power dynamic in which these moments primarily happen when it suits the abuser. Victims develop a mindset in which these moments are focused on and used to try to fill the painful gaps left by the bad moments, the ones where they're hurt emotionally or physically. Our brains rely on denial and selective memory to deal with trauma, so abusive behavior gets excused, downplayed, or ignored by being unprocessed and unaddressed. Until this trauma is processed in a healthy way and the survivor learns how to identify and deal with their experiences, they'll keep repeating and projecting them. How the trauma is processed affects not only the victim, but how they're perceived - if they show signs of trauma in unsympathetic ways that make others uncomfortable and ask them to have patience and empathy, they're a "bad victim." If they bear their trauma with grace and show minimal signs of it and don't make anyone uncomfortable, they're a "good victim." (Many abusers are, in fact, good victims outwardly, and bad victims in their home lives - which, again, doesn't justify or excuse their actions, but it does give an insight into how abuse trauma manifests.)

The tendency to downplay, excuse, or ignore abusive behavior shows up again and again throught the HP books. In PoA Sirius breaks Ron's leg in his determination to get Pettigrew - who's in Ron's pocket - into the Shrieking Shack. It's actually quite a violent moment, Sirius yanking Ron with force because his leg being stuck under a branch is keeping Sirius from being able to drag him into the tunnel. But once Harry realizes Sirius is not a mass murderer and accepts him as his godfather, there's no addressing of this casual violence. Sirius doesn't apologize to Ron, and it's Lupin who puts his leg in a splint* (never mind that Ron is then tied to Lupin who hasn't taken his potion at the full moon and this endangers Ron's life directly). The point here isn't Sirius' character, but how the narrative treats his actions - and Ron.

*Even though Sirius has his wand on him too, which is never really explained? How did he get his wand back? He wouldn't have been allowed it in Azkaban, so where did it come from? But I digress. That's a question for another post.

As soon as Sirius takes on the mantle of being Harry's godfather, his carelessness, violence, and the damage he caused are forgiven - much like how abuse victims will explain away their abusers' actions and minimize them. Ron doesn't show any signs of trauma after this incident, or any wariness of Sirius, which is unrealistic and uncharacteristic, but fits in with Rowling's writing style when you consider her projected abuse trauma and the mindset she's likely to be writing from as a result. Sirius does nothing to assure Ron that he won't hurt him again in the future. In fact, all he says to him is indirectly, in a letter to Harry:

“I thought your friend Ron might like to keep this owl, as it’s my fault he no longer has a rat.”

-Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 22

He doesn't acknowledge the harm he inflicted, nor does he apologize for his actions. Instead he gifts Ron an owl he found (which, off topic, is objectively funny - Sirius found an owl and just said "keep it I guess"). He clarifies this owl is meant to replace his pet who turned out to be a murderous traitor in disguise, but makes no mention of wanting to earn back trust. Again, this isn't about Sirius as a character, who's deliberately written with these flaws. My point is to highlight the ways that other characters react to him and how those behaviors seem to echo the reactions of an abuse victim to abusive situations, and the blinders they require for survival. Kind of like how we never see Ron confront the reality that he spent several years sharing his food, bed, and life with a 30 year old man in rat form. Egregious breaches of trust and safety are sidestepped silently, accepted, and ignored.

Again and again physical and verbal violence is addressed minimally or not at all in Harry Potter. Lupin has his turn when he argues with Harry in Deathly Hallows. Harry tells him to go home to his son instead of abandoning him, but Lupin is agitated and resistant to the idea, his behavior signifying that his trauma may be triggered.

‘I’d never have believed this,’ Harry said. ‘The man who taught me to fight Dementors - a coward.’ Lupin drew his wand so fast that Harry had barely reached for his own; there was a loud bang and he felt himself flying backwards as if punched; as he slammed into the kitchen wall and slid to the floor, he glimpsed the tail of Lupin’s cloak disappearing round the door. -Deathly Hallows, Ch. 11

Lupin never apologizes or acknowledges he was wrong to do this, and the closest he gets to it is a passive aggressive statement on the radio that he has no way of knowing was actually heard by Harry:

‘And what would you say to Harry if you knew he was listening, Romulus?’ ‘I’d tell him we’re all with him in spirit,’ said Lupin, then hesitated slightly. ‘And I’d tell him to follow his instincts, which are good and nearly always right.’

Deathly Hallows, Ch. 22

Again, the point here isn't to discuss Lupin's character, but that the author has chosen to skim over his violence and continue to write him as heroic without him having to take responsibility for his actions. We're meant to empathize with his trauma and continue to see him as a sort of parental figure, but there's no exploration or acknowledgment of how it might affect Harry that the last remaining friend of his father's, his once favorite teacher, enacted violence on him the second Harry challenged him, and how this might have triggered Harry's own abuse trauma after enduring years of violence at the Dursleys. There's merely a dramatic moment that results in assault, that is then skirted past, unaddressed, and the narratives simply moves on. It feels like the literary equivalent of a fighting couple where one partner hits the other, and instead of apologizing they just go back to business as usual once they've calmed down; the argument is never resolved, just swept under the rug with all the others ones like it.

Harry, meanwhile, is an abuse victim who bears no mark of it. The Dursleys abuse him emotionally as a matter of course, starve him on numerous occasions, there are clear implications that Vernon is physically violent with him, as is Dudley, to the point where Harry is socially isolated because Dudley's gang intimidates anyone who might want to be his friend. This also prevents any outsiders from getting close enough to Harry to recognize the abuse and calling CPS on the Dursleys. They aren't taken to task by anyone, unless you count Dumbledore's passive aggressive hint to them about keeping Harry in a cupboard, or the threat from the Order that's given at the end of the OoTP:

‘We thought we’d just have a few words with you about Harry,’ said Mr Weasley, still smiling. ‘Yeah,’ growled Moody. ‘About how he’s treated when he’s at your place.’ Uncle Vernon’s moustache seemed to bristle with indignation. Possibly because the bowler hat gave him the entirely mistaken impression that he was dealing with a kindred spirit, he addressed himself to Moody. ‘I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house -‘ ‘I expect what you’re not aware of would fill several books, Dursley,’ growled Moody. ‘Anyway, that’s not the point,’ interjected Tonks, whose pink hair seemed to offend Aunt Petunia more than all the rest put together, for she closed her eyes rather than look at her. ‘The point is, if we find out you’ve been horrible to Harry -‘ ‘- And make no mistake, we’ll hear about it,’ added Lupin pleasantly. ‘Yes,’ said Mr Weasley, ‘even if you won’t let Harry use the fellytone -‘ ‘Telephone,’ whispered Hermione. ‘- Yeah, if we get any hint that Potter’s been mistreated in any way, you’ll have us to answer to,’ said Moody. Uncle Vernon swelled ominously. His sense of outrage seemed to outweigh even his fear of this bunch of oddballs. ‘Are you threatening me, sir?’ he said, so loudly that passers-by actually turned to stare. ‘Yes, I am,’ said Mad-Eye, who seemed rather pleased that Uncle Vernon had grasped this fact so quickly.’

-Order of the Phoenix, Ch. 38

Of course, this doesn't happen until Harry is almost 16 and only a year away from getting out of Privet Drive anyway. Yet Harry has no anxiety, no panic attacks, no social anxiety, and shows no triggered behavior. Even after Cedric dies he has very limited PTSD symptoms. The only time he acts out is in OoTP, and his behavior is explained away by the realization that Voldemort has been sharing his mind, and so his short fuse and "bad victim" behavior is attributed to a kind of possession, and not his own psyche. Harry is the fantasy of an abuse victim - the sympathetic orphan who bears no scars of his trauma. He's patient, bears his abuse with grace, and if anything he responds to it with cleverness and snark that endears the reader to him. He's a "good victim," but almost goes beyond that: Harry is almost a kind of projected fantasy of an abuse victim who wishes they could live their life and be themselves without the inherent trauma and its effects, even while continuing to be traumatized.

It's a recurring theme with a lot of characters that violence and emotional abuse/manipulation is excused and unresolved as a matter of course. Harry is shocked when he sees his dad and Sirius assault Snape in SWM, but he goes back to putting his father on a pedestal quickly, and without processing his feelings, while his empathy for Snape is short lived. Hagrid spends most of OoTP getting violently assaulted by Grawp but he doesn't mind it because he loves his brother, who's just big and stupid and can't help it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Hagrid also has a dysfunctional relationship with Harry and his friends, who he endangers on numerous occasions, and who have to take care of him when he's drunk or unable to manage his emotions and makes bad choices, despite being children. It's an imbalanced relationship in which Harry is often unsafe and required to do the emotional labor of an adult. Dumbledore exploits Harry's entire existence, as well as Snape's, but he only apologizes to one of them and even then just barely.

The list goes on an on, and the dynamic is always the same: the character perpetuating the violence is alleviated from blame or responsibility by the narrative overlooking their faults and skimming over their damaging actions. It's also worth noting that many of the characters who perpetuate abuse are parental figures to the protagonist (Sirius, Lupin, James, Dumbledore, Hagrid, the Dursleys), because it's hard not to feel like there's some degree of personal projection going on here on the author's part. The way the writing justifies and avoids addressing the dysfunction and abuse in these relationships is almost like a parallel for the battered partner/child who says it was their fault for saying or doing the wrong thing and they should know better and the abuser doesn't really mean it, they're very sensitive and can be so loving and, and, and.

SWM is interesting in that it seems to be the pinnacle of how Rowling sees Snape and characters like James and Sirius. Even in The Prince's Tale we barely see why Snape and Lily were "best friends," not just Cokeworth buddies, because as an author she viewed Snape's role as utilitarian to the story but without sympathy for him. SWM was about establishing that Snape was a loser; feeling sorry for him was incidental, and more about Harry's own character development, which ultimately doesn't even follow that thread through. James and Sirius weren't written in that scene to be exposed as abusive bullies, but to be shown as the cool kids in a British grammar school, the handsome privileged boys at the top of the social ladder.

What's fascinating about Rowling's writing of Snape is that she seems to project a lot of her own abuse trauma onto him but has continuously expressed a clear dislike of him both in her approach to writing him and in interviews. The text alludes to his difficult childhood and abusive father, which Rowling has confirmed in interviews, and through the Wizarding World website where it's stated that Snape's father "didn't hold back when it came to the whip" (and while Wizarding World and Pottermore aren't always reliable sources for canon material, they do have a vetting process so if something is stated as fact it tends to be canon, as opposed to content that's qualified by statements like "possibly" or "might be" etc. which denote them as unverified theories). Snape also displays triggered behavior in situations that evoke his trauma, such as in the Shrieking Shack in PoA and when Harry tries to hit him with a Levicorpus in HBP. All this to say, Snape is a character who is written as having survived abuse at home, assault at school, and who bears clear markers of trauma.

With all this in mind, he was written unkindly. I don't necessarily mean how he's consistently described as ugly and dark in ways that recall prejudiced gothic tropes of the demon lover, or the ways the reader is meant to see him through the biased lens of Harry, whose eyes we see the story through. Snape was written with no empathy, and as someone who is completely alone in the world. Even Dumbledore, the person whose trust he works to gain, and who he trusts, betrays and exploits him mortally. When Harry sees Snape's memories at the end of DH, there's nothing in there that shows he was ever lovable, or his vulnerability and path to radicalization, or that Lily loved him as the best friend she said he was to her. Even when he's sacrificed his life and it's revealed to the reader that he's done so, and done it in the service of love - the central theme of the HP books - he's not granted the grace of being shown as having any redeeming qualities, except that he loved Lily deeply enough to dedicate his life to protecting her son (and grew to believe in Dumbledore's cause in the process), but this love is shown only through regret after her death, not through any expression of it during their friendship.

The opposite of Harry as the "good victim," Snape is the "bad victim," the abuse survivor who is defensive, unfriendly, unkind, and reflects a socialization that absorbed all he was taught through mistreatment. Ultimately, the good vicitim is good because their trauma doesn't burden others with its visibility, and Snape is the bad victim because his trauma asks patience and understanding of others while he struggles to show kindness and grace. He runs to help when he hears a scream upstairs, he tells Dumbledore "only those I could not save," but he's outwardly unkind and at times downright hostile, which means the reader has to put in critical thought and analyze the text before being able to extend him sympathy. In short, he takes work, which makes him a bad victim. This is also why so much of the larger fandom harbors a vitriolic hatred for him and feels absolved of having to put that work in.

And while there's a lesson in there that even the surliest of people can turn out to be brave and have an immeasurable capacity for love, the narrative still shows no interest, even in his deepest relationship, in Snape as a person who his best friend had affection for beyond being her only source of information about Hogwarts, or as someone Dumbledore saw more in than a clever and gifted wizard who could serve his cause. There's no curiosity in the writing when it comes to Snape, no kindness toward him, and Rowling has shown time and again that she still judges him.

What's interesting about this is that Snape is also the character who the most trauma and abuse seems to be heaped on, despite Harry's journey, and all of these aspects of him seem to be unaddressed, and if they're ever touched it has no real impact or affect on the characters or the narrative. It's almost like Rowling projected her worst trauma onto him and then resented him for representing her experiences. I would posit that perhaps what she really dislikes about Snape is that he's a representation of her own unprocessed trauma, of the ugly parts of trauma that are messy and painful, but I feel that's getting a bit too close to armchair psychoanalyzing so I'll leave that thought there and let you come to your own conclusions.

Privilege

The structure of the world in which Harry Potter exists relies on privilege. Wizards are a privileged group, singled out by their genetic advantage which gives them the ability to make their lives easier, and which most of them feel entitled about. They live in secret to protect themselves from having to use these abilities to help muggles, and because muggles would likely exploit them - of course most wizards also look down on muggles with condescension for their lack of magic (and ultimately we're talking about a bunch of Brits, so exploiting others and condescension is baked into the culture anyway). Added to this baseline social structure that is built on wizarding privilege is the character of Harry, who doesn't just learn that he's part of this privileged group, but that he's singled out as special among them. As soon as he's brought into the magical world, he's shown his Gringotts vault which is full of gold, so he also enjoys the privilege of wealth as soon as he learns he's doubly special.

There's yet another layer, which is the class dynamics within the wizarding world, which hinge on inherited privilege, ie. the privilege that comes with being pureblood or half-blood vs. being muggleborn. As Rowling works through this aspect of world building, she's consistently focused on the variety of ways her protagonist enjoys privilege. Moreover, in a series where the world-building is often half-baked and not thought through, an incredible amount of the work she did do is focused around establishing class dynamics and approaching them with a focus on privilege. This feels inherently British in some ways, though it does also challenge class systems to some degree.

Except that the class system remains intact at the end of the series. Voldemort is defeated as a villain, but his ideas of blood status aren't. The evil Harry fights against is a specific antagonist, not his ideas, and not the class dynamics that inform the variety of privileges he himself enjoys as a pureblood wizard with generational wealth. House elves aren't liberated, and are ultimately not only content to remain slaves, but fight alongside wizards and preserve the system that oppresses them. That itself is a signifier of Rowling's unchecked privilege: that she takes a local myth - house elves - in which magical creatures help with housework in exchange for milk/some kind of payment, co-opts this myth for her story and changes the terms of these creatures to be a deeply unethical one where they're neither working voluntarily nor paid but are instead enslaved. Most importantly, she posits that most of them are happy to be enslaved - and what reeks of privilege more than the idea that slaves enjoy their situation? It's a narrative that serves the enslaver and disenfranchises the enslaved even further.

Rowling's own class privilege is also reflected in how she writes poverty. For example, the Weasleys are consistently described as poor, but they actually seem to be doing alright. They have a lot of children, so most of their annual expenses like school supplies are secondhand, but that's pretty normal in a lot of families, even middle class ones. Mrs. Weasley is a stay at home mom who could be working if she wanted to, but in Rowling's determination to write Molly as quintessentially matriarchal, she overlooked this fact, the result being that the Weasleys seem to have a tight budget but don't seem to actually be poor. They own a large home and land around it, live comfortably as a single income household, and it's even mentioned in DH that of the trio it was Ron who struggled the most with scrounging for food when on the run, because he'd spent his whole life enjoying delicious, consistent, filling meals at home, not just at school.

Harry, meanwhile, is noted as thinking that he would happily give the Weasleys all the gold in his Gringotts vault, but knows they'll never accept it - and he leaves it at that. It's not until he gives his TriWizard winnings to Fred and George at the end of GoF that he tells them to get Ron new dress robes. Before that, he doesn't use any opportunity to give the Weasleys any gifts - in fact, while we see Harry give Ron and Hermione thoughtful Christmas gifts in the later books, there's no allusion to him giving them birthday gifts like they give him, or of him giving Molly or Arthur Christmas gifts despite always receiving them, including a hand-made family jumper. Despite growing up with so little, Harry is written as feeling an understandable excitement at receiving gifts, but it doesn't occur to him to give back - or rather it doesn't occur to Rowling, as the author, that a boy who comes from having nothing, who now has a vault full of gold, would think of using it to make others happy as they've made him. Despite her writing Harry's entire character arc to hinge on his willingness to sacrifice himself, this aspect of him gets overlooked when it comes to making the best of his privilege in his interpersonal relationships by thinking of others. Unsurprising once you consider that she claimed that writing in cafes was an experience of poverty after having studied at Exeter, and how her own privilege might inform how she approaches her characters and their choices (or lack thereof).

The subject of poverty in HP is laced with unconscious bias. The Weasleys are described as poor but have all they need, own land, and have the safety net of a wealthy family to fall back on. Like with Harry's character, there is, essentially, a moralism reflected in their comfort - they're good people, therefore they are comfortable, just as Harry is a good person, therefore wealth is bestowed on him that he didn't earn. In contrast to this is Snape, who grew up in a slum in an abusive home (and while poverty doesn't guarantee abuse, it's often traumatic and trauma inhibits emotional regulation which can lead to abuse). He bears the physical signs of poverty, such as poor hygiene and poor health (yellowed teeth, pallid skin), is unlikeable, lonely, and doomed by the narrative. Snape, while being described with these markers, is judged negatively and harshly both by Harry and James in their own times, as well as by the author herself who, despite having said that he's heroic and morally grey, has also said that Snape is a "deeply horrible person."

Just as Harry's virtue is signalled through his inherited wealth, Snape's markers of poverty establish him first as a foil in PS, then as an antagonist for the rest of the series. Each time Snape acts antagonistically, he's described with the physical traits that are meant to make the reader judge him - his teeth, greasy hair/face, pallid skin - without any seeming awareness that these are markers of class and his poverty (hygiene would have been a weekly, not daily practice growing up in a Midlands slum in the 60s, not to mention limited access to dental care). It's this lack of awareness that shows Rowling's own unaddressed privilege, and reeks of the well-cared-for middle class child who ostracizes the kid on the playground who wears visibly secondhand clothes, doesn't have the cool new toy, brings a "yucky" lunch instead of buying it in the cafeteria, etc. (much like how James and Sirius ostracize Snape).

It's also unnecessary for Harry's virtue to be signalled through his inherited wealth the way it is (ie. that his being special is emphasized by his access to a vault full of gold, or that this is metaphorically a reward for being a good person in a very Cinderella story kind of way). We learn in HBP (through Dumbledore's memory of first meeting Tom Riddle) that Hogwarts has a fund for students who can't afford supplies, and as a orphan hero it would have been more compelling for Harry to rely on this fund and add "charity student" to the list of things that set him apart from his peers and challenge him. Instead, Rowling goes out of her way to justify writing Harry with middle class privilege, perhaps because she doesn't really know how to write a character living with the realities of being in a lower socioeconomic class. It can't even be argued that Harry's Gringott's vault is a plot device to enable him to go to school, because there's a system in place for students in his position that could easily have sidestepped it. Speaking of being unable to write characters living in actual poverty: this also shows that the Weasleys aren't really poor, because we see them go to Diagon Alley to buy school supplies each year, instead of relying on the Hogwarts fund. This reiterates, again, that the Weasleys aren't really poor, they're more likely lower middle class, and that their supposed poverty is more about virtue signalling, but so is their comfort despite how poor they're meant to be. This profound lack of understanding of what it means to truly be poor, and the judgment with which the only character who experiences true, abject poverty is written with, reflect the author's own privilege and lack of experience outside the sphere of the middle class.

Bigotry

What's interesting about Rowling's idea of bigotry as seen through her choices writing HP is that she shows both a profound lack of understanding of systemic racism and that she has pretty strong biases of her own that are rooted in bigotry. The class system she writes wizards as having is based in a parallel of racism, but when the stakes get raised it stays pretty two dimensional and there's no indication that Rowling did any research into the social and political histories the Death Eaters and Voldemort are meant to allude to.

If I'm honest this subject could be its own separate post, but briefly: Rowling seems to have been writing a parallel for fascism, but in the process doesn't appear to have researched it. While the fascist - Voldemort - surreptitiously sows chaos and mistrust, the propaganda machine is established by the legitimate government he eventually overthrows (which is intended to be democratic, although we don't much see it in practice - it certainly doesn't seem to be a representative democracy, in any case). Although we see conflicts between students, they're very clear cut and lack nuance: there's no confusion or moralism. Most crucially, there's no real reason to exploit or oppress the targeted minority group, other than bigotry: wizards don't have that much to gain from oppressing or killing muggles, because they're outnumbered, and the effort of it outweighs the benefits. For every fascist dictator's bigotry there's a root of exploitation, whether its seizing wealth, exploitation for labor, or both. Rowling clearly doesn't fully understand the parallel she's writing, doesn't understand politics or political systems nearly as well as someone whose story centers their importance should, and hasn't done her research.

And while it seems noble that she nevertheless wrote a protagonist fighting against bigotry, she also displays a fair bit of it herself. There are the obvious issues, like how tokenized and unresearched her minority characters are, such as Cho Chang, the Patil twins, or even Anthony Goldstein, not to mention that Nagini's backstory of an Asian woman enslaved as a pet by a British man is a whole other mess of internalized biases, and that's the more generous interpretation. Then there are the anti-semitic tropes that the Gringotts goblins are steeped in, from their hooked noises and double-crossing to their fixation on money. And, of course, there's Seamus Finnigan, the Irish kid whose penchant for explosions is hard not to read as a deliberate allusion to the IRA.

Rowling also seems to be fatphobic, with a narrow view of femininity. As with Snape, she often uses physical descriptors to denote whether or not a character is sympathetic.

“Uncle Vernon was large and neckless, with an enormous black moustache; Aunt Petunia was horse-faced and bony; Dudley was blond, pink and porky.”

-Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 1

Vernon and Dudley Dursley, both males, are described as fat, almost comically. A couple of books later, Dudley will be described as having:

“finally achieved what he’d been threatening to do since the age of three, and become wider than he was tall.”

-Goblet of Fire, Ch. 3

This is physically impossible, of course, but Dudley is described as having three main traits: being fat, being a bully, and being stupid, the first always preceding any of the latter descriptors.

Aunt Petunia, on the other hand, is described as very skinny - she's an antagonist (or an aunt-agonist, if you will), and so her "bony" frame and "horse-face" indicates that she is not feminine, a signal that she's antagonistic and not maternal. Conversely, Vernon's sister Marge, a woman who is so un-maternal as to not even have children, is described as masculine:

“She was very like Uncle Vernon; large, beefy and purple-faced, she even had a moustache, though not as bushy as his.”

-Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 2

Malfoy's cronies Crabbe and Goyle are similarly described as big and stupid, and it's worth noting that there's a consistency in Rowling's fatphobia being primarily directed at overweight men, specifically because it reveals a lot about her attachment to gender norms that Aunt Marge is the only woman described as large (did Rowling get inspired by Pee-Wee's Big Adventure? Unclear). She's also unmarried and childless, ie. hasn't fulfilled society's expectations of a woman, breeds dogs in the country, and is the only woman described as having explicitly masculine features including a moustache and looking strikingly similar to her brother. The more matriarchal a woman is in Harry Potter, the more kindly the narrative looks on her, and the less so she is, the more antagonistic she is.

Because the women in Harry Potter are either virtuous mothers or wicked stepmothers - or rather just wicked, with their childlessness standing in for the trope of stepmotherhood because these books are set in modern times, after all. Aunt Petunia, Aunt Marge, Bellatrix Lestrange, Rita Skeeter, and Dolores Umbridge are all either antagonists or outright villainous characters, none of whom are maternal and only one of whom has a child at all - and there's special emphasis put on Petunia's failure as a parent when Dumbledore points it out overtly. In contrast, Molly Weasley and Tonks are sympathetic women who are mothers - or rather, Molly is profoundly maternal and Tonks becomes a mother towards the end of the series and dies heroically. Kind of like the angelic mother figure on a pedestal that is Harry's own self-sacrificing mother, Lily. Even Narcissa Malfoy is redeemed because despite being an antagonist, she's first and foremost a mother concerned for her son's safety (she's also the only person we see in Voldemort's circle who isn't branded with the Dark Mark, and the lack thereof is a sort of virtue signal unto itself). There's a clear bias against women who aren't mothers/are bad mothers, and in favor of women who are mothers and exhibit maternal behavior.

In Harry's generation we see a similar bias in that there are girls who are sympathetic and others who aren't. Hermione and Ginny are sympathetic, in a very "not like other girls" kind of way. They're not emotional, most of their friends are boys, and they eschew femininity except for rare occasions like the Yule Ball. It's mentioned especially that when Harry breaks up with Ginny, she's unsentimental enough not to cry because she grew up with older brothers, and that this is a positive trait. Conversely, characters like Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil are silly and flighty, unconcerned with anything except Divination and boys, with Lavender fawning over Ron in overly feminine ways that become a caricature of a misogynistic depiction of a teenage girl. When she does eventually die heroically in the Battle of Hogwarts, it's mentioned only in passing. Fleur Delacour is vain and haughty, comes in last in the TriWizard tournament, and is an un-virtuous flirt who goes off into the rose bushes with her Yule Ball date and makes eyes at Bill Weasley. It's only after she gets married that she becomes more sympathetic (and while yes, she earns respect before then for not loving Bill less after he's attacked by Greyback, it really isn't until after their wedding that the trio and Ginny stop judging her). She also becomes less relevant to the story, with little to contribute when the trio stay at Shell Cottage.

In short, Rowling perpetuates the sexist trope of representing women as angels or villains (and at times there's a sense that if the target demographic weren't children, she would outright make it the angels/whores trope instead, as is evidenced - among other things - by the reveal in Cursed Child that Bellatrix had an extra marital affair with Voldemort Which I still don't buy. Voldemort would never have allowed himself to engage in something that required any vulnerability from him, like sex, but I digress). What Rowling also perpetuates is a Thatcherian idea of feminism, in which female empowerment boils down to the emulation and adoption of the patriarchal power structure. It doesn't seek to overthrow the patriarchy, but instead to become it. It doesn't seek to dismantle a sexist social system, it just resents being on the side of the oppressed and wants, instead, to be the oppressor. There was an interesting post recently that broke down female representation in HP through the use of the color pink that really hit the nail on the head of how traditional femininity is looked down on by the narrative, and how female empowerment is equated with embracing traditionally masculine traits (the irony of this kind of feminism and how its entrenchment of patriarchal value systems inherently requires participants to emulate the kind of gender bending that it condemns trans people for is mind bogglingly hypocritical, frankly).

This, of course, feeds directly into Rowling's current pet bigotry: her transphobia. Because transphobia relies on and reinforces the patriarchy, by upholding traditional gender roles and punishing anyone who deviates from them. It also posits women as helpless victims of the masculine violence that men can't help but enact because it's supposedly in their nature. Of course, all of this is gender essentialist nonsense. It also achieves the goal of Thatcherist feminism without acknowledging that it does so: in this ideology, women see themselves as oppressed, but simultaneously leverage their oppression - through white tears - in order to oppress others. Because while they continue to buy into patriarchal social structures, their only option is to fight to get as close to the top as possible, and to step on others to maintain their position. And that requires bigotry. Once you've accepted the gender essentialist nonsense and begun to actively entrench yourself in misogynistic perspectives that reinforce the patriarchy, you've bought into the bigotry that oppresses you, and that's a gateway to all the other kinds of bigotry you have to buy into in order to convince yourself of the validity of your actions when all common sense, logic, and basic ethics are telling you otherwise (which is also why TERFism is often a pipeline to neo-naziism and requires radicalization).

The groundwork for this was already laid in Rowling's value system even before she was radicalized as a TERF. We can see in the way SWM was written that she already lacked empathy for male victims of patriarchal violence. Snape is written as feminine-coded, and given James' characterization as a handsome jock whose main actions in the narrative are that he died to protect his wife and child and that he assaulted another student to attract the attention of the girl he likes, I think there's a reasonable reading of SWM as an enforcement of patriarchal norms and gender conformity. The point of that scene was to show the reader that James was at the top of the social hierarchy and Snape was at the bottom, specifically in a way that represents social dynamics in a British grammar school setting. Those dynamics also serve to enforce patriarchal power structures and gender norms, and the most cursory research on them will lead to countless works of literature and film that elaborate on the rampant homophobia in these institutions and their lifelong impact on queer boys and men. Whether or not Rowling was aware of what she was doing, the violent enforcement of patriarchal norms, and the doling out of punishment to anyone who doesn't live up to them, is baked into the dynamic between James and Snape in SWM.

In her own biased view of Snape (as expressed in interviews etc.) Rowling wears on her sleeve her lack of empathy for male victims of patriarchal violence, which isn't surprising when you consider that her own gender politics center not only women, but specific women - women like her. TERFism harms more than just trans women, it also demands that women who don't emulate a specific idea of femininity also take a hit for the sake of gatekeeping trans people out of society, like women who have hormonal imbalances or were born intersex or eschew gender norms in even the most basic way (ie. even the middle aged suburban mother who keeps her hair short and wears jeans and hoodies because she's tired). This kind of thinking twists itself into knots only to reinforce gender norms that serve patriarchal power structures - the same structures that are represented by James when he assaults Snape, whose very character is written to be antithetical to them. Rowling is entrenching these gender norms through her lack of empathy for Snape in both her writing, and the views of him she's expressed publicly, and that perspective directly informs her radicalization and subsequent commitment to the specific kind of bigotry she puts so much money and energy into funding.

In conclusion

Privilege, bigotry, and misplaced abuse trauma inform Rowling's writing throughout the HP books, and coupled with the radicalization she was primed for, are apparent in her current personal politics. Her bigotry is essentially a cop out, however. It's an oversimplified view that focuses on men as a whole and posits them all as inherently violent and oppressive, instead of acknowledging the existence of the anthropological concept of the patriarchy as a social system that disenfranchises anyone who doesn't conform to its standards, including men. This also allows Rowling to dig her heels in on an ideology that ultimately supports patriarchal power structures despite its insistence on being feminist. British feminism is different than American feminism in that it seeks to perpetuate the existing power structure and co-opt it in women's favor, as opposed to seeking social equality. Unsurprising in a country with an ancient class system that relies on everyone accepting their place in it.

The idea of upsetting the power structure isn't acceptable in British culture, and the only tolerated progressive idea is to change who's at the top of it. Rowling's TERFism allows her to absolve herself of sympathy for how this affects trans people, queer people, and even men. To some degree it's understandable for an abuse victim to not have the emotional spoons or simply not have the will to understand their abuser (or someone who represents their abuser in their mind). Extending that to all men indiscriminately is bigoted, judgmental, and upholds patriarchal ideas of men as inherently stronger, more powerful, and predatory (and subtly reinforces the idea of penetrative sex as an act of dominance and violence). It doesn't acknowledge the power dynamics at the core of Western society and instead focuses on vulnerable groups like trans people and anyone who doesn't conform to gender norms in ways that make public life dangerous for anyone who doesn't live up to the established norms. Rowling could choose not to engage with any of this, and in doing so she's also perpetuating cycles of abuse in ways that reflect unprocessed trauma, but do so on a massive scale instead of keeping it in the home.

Patriarchy is violent to men as well as women, but Rowling's bigotry allows her to justify ignoring this. Looking through this lens at how she approached writing the HP books, the choices she made in her approach to characters like Snape or even Harry, we can see the seeds of this mindset and how it was exploited by radicalization - ironic given that everything she wrote into Snape's character indicates he was also a vulnerable, abused youth whose vulnerability was exploited to radicalize him into a fascist cult. In many ways, Snape is the character who Rowling's own experiences are closest to (domestic abuse, radicalization, being bullied), but perhaps she's so judgmental of him because he represents the parts of herself she is still unable to confront.

#asks #existentialrin #@existentialrin I'm sorry this took me so long to answer and also thank you it kept me distracted and marginally sane on election night #on a related note sfkljhskfhawehfksljfhsahohgodohgod #anyway sorry not sorry for the length I said 30 page dissertation and this is probably a third of that so you can't say I didn't warn you

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