#i wrote essays about dogs in my free time

[bas-rouge]

Ugh

[lxvebun]

whisper of the heart pt II

bun's notes: I'm really glad you guys enjoyed the first one so much :3 hopefully you will like this one as well.

synopsis: Genshin boys voicelines about you!

content:Alhaitham/Kazuha/Thoma/Cyno x gender neutral reader (so they/them prns used) in this series, their vision is in tune with their emotions, part one explains it the best. Cyno was incredibly difficult i'm sorry if it sucks shsjsjs. Eng is not my first language so I'm sorry for any mistakes!

Part one

Alhaitham

About y/n:

"y/n and I go a long way back. They are a very intelligent, kind, and creative person. We studied under the same masters. Academic rivals? I wouldn't go as far as to say we were rivals per se, but the occasional competition between who got the highest score on an essay wasn’t out of the ordinary. Who won? Well, our scores wouldn't differ much at all actually. Even to the decimal, we usually got the same. When they asked our masters how such different essays could receive the same score. According to our masters, it seemed I lacked creativity in my writing, as they overdid the creative aspect. The masters words, not mine. Although I’ve read hundreds of books and essays in my life already, none could compare to the way y/n wrote theirs"

About vision:

"Unlike other people, I’d say I have decent control over my emotional elemental power, it at least doesn’t manifest in an obnoxious physical sense. That said, as much as I try to control it, the light of my vision starts to flicker and flutter to the rhythm of my heartbeat. So you can imagine the light show that starts once y/n enters my view *sigh* They think it’s, and I quote, "Adorable"...I suppose that makes it alright"

About relationship:

"Hah, You’re surprised I'm in a relationship? While It’s true that I don’t appear as the most approachable person out there, not that I mind, even I am not immune to love… While there’s no scientific proof out there that soulmates exist, against all logical sense, I’d like to believe y/n and I are."

Thoma

About y/n:

You haven't met y/n? Oh, they’re such a sweetheart! such a kind and inspirational soul. I’m sure you’ve seen them run around Inazuma City or Ritou before. They have the prettiest eyes and the most lovely smile. they run a lot of errands and help with general activities and festivals. In their free time, they usually help me out with housekeeping or acompany me to the market. You’re surprised I'm talking so lovingly of them? Well, of course, I would, they are my partner after all"

About vision:

"sigh I’ve had to switch to steel handle brooms instead of the normal wooden ones. It happened one too many times that I would be sweeping the floors and y/n would come up to me, resulting in small waves of fire to flutter around... Let’s just say, I’m glad my Lord has a hydro vision.

About meet cute!:

y/n and I both share a love for animals, I actually met them while they were nursing a bird back to its strength, the poor thing was still young and completely soaked because of the heavy thunderstorms. Word went around they were caring for it and I decided to take a look and see if they needed help, little did I know that I would be meeting the love of my life. We routinely feed the stray dogs and cats together when we’re both free:)"

Kazuha

About y/n:

" I was able to sense their presence in the wind long before I met them. A fragment of my soulmate in the form of a warm summer breeze, bearing the scent of roses and those familiar mapel leaves. As much as I wanted to follow it, I was still a wanted man after all. I couldn’t just return to Inazuma, no matter how much my heart cried for it.

At that time I started to keep a journal on what I was doing, what I was thinking of, and where in Teyvat I was whenever the wind carried them to me, So I could show it to them when we did finally meet. I never had the chance to finish that journal because our paths crossed sooner than I expected. Apparently, just as the wind carried them to me, it did the same for them. Fate has an interesting way of bringing people together. From the moment I stood face to face with them, I knew who they were and by the sparkle in their eye and the way they immediately rushed into my arms, I can guess it was the same for them. We’ve been wandering together ever since"

About vision:

"I’m well aware of how visions respond to your emotions. I don’t actively try to fight it, In a way, i think it’s quite romantic how my vision responds to seeing y/n by sending a breeze through their hair or twirling flower petals around them. They don’t seem to mind either"

About love language:

"From the moment y/n and I met, we decided to travel together. With every step we took, we got to know each other better, and with every rest under the starry night sky, our relationship grew stronger. They love nature as much as I do, and while I show my adoration for it in poems and music, they show their appreciation in colorful paintings and sketches. If we ever run out of paper on the road, I’m not against them using my arms as a canvas, the same way they allow me to ink love poems onto their skin. That way it doesn’t matter how far apart we are, we wear our love for each other on our skin

Cyno

About y/n:

"y/n? The fact that they are my partner is not something I tell many people, but since we are so close, yes, they are. They joined the forest rangers a while ago, I met them when I dropped of some books from the Akademiya Tighnari needed. And while I gave them to Tighnari, I decided it was a good time to tell my new joke…..Tighnari did not find it amusing, but y/n did. To this day, their laughs are still the sweetest melody I've heard, and I'm fortunate to hear them every day through my excellent jokes.

About vision:

"Please, don’t bring that up, I still feel bad about it. I didn’t know my vision would respond so strongly……fine, the first time y/n and I held hands, I got so...flustered I accidentally send a small shock wave where our hands intertwined. They weren’t hurt, but I still feel bad about it. It hasn’t stopped them from holding me though, I’m glad about that

About TCG:

"y/n and I are both quite the genius invokation tcg players, and the more rounds we play the more....energetic we get. Let's just say that Puspa cafe does have a noise limit....

For my birthday they got me a beautiful commissioned card with artwork of us on it. Having it around has become a good luck charm for me. I always keep it on the very top of my deck.

Thank you for reading angels!

[seri-tonin]

BSD Chapter 119 Analysis

Bookmarks, dimensions, minkowski spaces... what the fuck does it all mean?? This chapter dumped a whole lot of information on us without really answering any of our questions, so this is my attempt to hopefully break some of it down for you and explain my theories on it.

Everything under the cut cause I wrote a whole ass essay

The Tiger is a Bookmark?

This chapter started off strong by giving us what's probably one of the more confusing concepts in the series (which is saying a lot...). Fyodor finally gave some hints as to the true nature of the tiger, but he did it in the most cryptic way possible.

I have a few theories in mind for what he could've meant by this. My immediate thought ties back to the fact that the tiger is considered to be a "guide" to the book. It's something we've known for awhile, but from the beginning we've assumed that that means it's a guide to finding the book itself. However, comparing the tiger to a bookmark - something that helps you know where you are in a book - makes me think that the tiger might be a guide in the sense that it can navigate between the different worlds that we know exist within the book, such as the Beast universe.

The second theory that I came up with is that maybe the tiger functions as some sort of anchor. A bookmark holds your place in a book, so the tiger "holds" the world and keeps it where it's at. (This is honestly the weakest theory of the three but I figured I'd include it anyways)

And my friend (shout-out to @musical-ghostie) came up with the third theory, that Fyodor's breaking the fourth wall right now. When he refers to the tiger as the bookmark, he could be talking about the fact that he's the protagonist, the one we experience the story through, or (similar to my first theory) the audience's guide to this world. This would also explain why Fyodor was so disgusted by the fact that it's Atsushi who has the tiger ability. Atsushi, who's selfish and pathetic and nothing like how you'd imagine a typical protagonist to be (this is not a diss at all on Atsushi's character by the way, I love the fact that he's written like this). I'm particularly attached to this interpretation, because it would fit so well with my "Asagiri is a character and god and the creator of the book" theory, but I'm not gonna get into that here (maybe it'll get it's own post sometime).

This theory is also backed up by this panel where Fyodor describes the tiger as the "emotional hearth" of the world, which would make sense if he was referring to the fact that Atsushi, as the protagonist, is the main aspect of the story that keeps the audience emotionally invested - because we're the most connected to his emotions specifically.

Ame-no-gozen and Minkowski Space

Shout-out to Bungou Stray Dogs for being the only series that I love enough that I'm willing to research an advanced physics concept just to be able to understand the story a bit better.

In this chapter, Fyodor gives us this explanation on how the divine being functions the way it does:

That's... pretty confusing, isn't it? So, I did a little bit of research into what a Minkowski space is, and here's my understanding: it's essentially a theoretical plane where time functions the same as space. Basically, the divine being is able to go wherever it wants in time, forward and backwards, instead of being stuck only ever going forward in time at the same consistent rate like the rest of us. (Disclaimer: I have never taken a physics class in my life, so my interpretation of what a Minkowski space is could be way off. Feel free to tell me in the notes if you know!!)

That said, I don't think the extent of ame-no-gozen's power is just being able to freely move through space and time, but I think it's also able to manipulate the (metaphorical) shape that space and time take. Fyodor even specifically refers to it as manipulating space in this panel:

He only refers to space in this panel, but I think it's safe to assume that the being has the same power over time, since it's able to interact with time in the same way that it interacts with space.

Parallels to Chapter 4

I'm sure we all recognized the reference to Akutagawa's iconic "Fear death. Fear slaughter" speech he gives when he's first introduced. This of course made me go back and reread chapter four, where he gives the original speech, and I noticed another parallel that I hadn't thought of immediately.

In chapter four, Akutagawa tells Atsushi in no uncertain terms that it is his fault that his colleagues, Junichiro and Naomi, are presumably dead. He explains to him that they were targeted because of the fact that Atsushi possesses the power of the tiger, and therefore he was the one who brought suffering to them.

Now some of what Fyodor said in the newest chapter is starting to sound really familiar... In this chapter, Fyodor tells Atsushi almost the exact same thing. That his friends are presumably dead and it's his fault, because he has the power of the tiger and could've prevented it.

I would be willing to chalk this up to just both being villains targeting Atsushi's insecurities and not really a parallel, if it weren't for the fact that chapter four gets much more explicitly referenced later in this chapter with the whole "fear death, fear slaughter" thing. Chapter four being referenced multiple times makes me believe it's intentional. I have a feeling that either Atsushi or Akutagawa (or both) will soon have a moment that really displays how much they've grown since their first meeting in chapter four, which is why it's being referenced now.

Other Thoughts + Conclusion

I'm sure if you're reading this, you were probably hoping I'd have something to say about Akutagawa's appearance, but honestly I can't say I have anything that hasn't been said by someone else already. Currently I'm leaning towards the theory that he's still under Bram's influence to some extent. Although, I also like the possibility that's been pointed out that maybe he does actually recognize Atsushi, but is just being dramatic and metaphorical and trying to tell him that he's not acting like the Atsushi he's come to know. I don't think this one is super likely, but it would be in-character for Akutagawa for sure.

Uhh but yeah, I think that's all the thoughts I have right now, but I'd love it if anyone wants to discuss some of this with me! Thank you so much for reading all this if you got this far, I hope it makes enough sense...

[tryslora]

learning sentence level editing

It’s no secret that I hate editing.

I’ve told this story before: When I was in high school, I had an English teacher who told us on our first day of sophomore honors English that she would not give an A for a first draft. She had a rigorous outlining/drafting process that she was determined to teach us. Me, I had undiagnosed ADHD and was a dyed-in-the-wool pantser. So I resolved on that first day that by the end of my time with her, I would get an A on a first draft.

My final essay of junior year AP English (yes, same teacher two years in a row), I wrote about Victorian morals and literature. I read it aloud. I got an A. I only ever wrote one draft.

What that taught me was how to write very technically clean drafts, something that has stayed with me for almost four decades now. Which is great!

What it did not teach me was how to be patient enough to properly edit. And I have never really learned. In fact, that is one of my ADHD sticking points (yes, I know, that’s obvious from my reaction to her statement in the story above). I often feel that a large part of the reason I have never made it as a writer—have never broken into tradpub—is because I do not have the patience to not only write, but then create an outline from the draft, then rewrite, then do it all over again and fiddle with each sentence until it’s perfect.

I’m learning, but I’ll admit, I’m still not there, and I’m not sure I ever will be where novels are concerned. 

But right this moment, I’m feeling very accomplished and proud of myself. I had a short story that every time I worked on it, it grew. Every time I cut it, it felt like it lost its heart and like the taste of the words stopped feeling like mine. My voice disappeared.

I had finally worked out a version of it that was just under 7500 words long, and I thought it was decent. It got no traction, and I was frustrated. I put it up for critique on SFFOWW (a critique group site) while I was active there a year and a half ago. It was chosen for an Editor’s Choice review, and the first half of it got some great comments. Which I promptly had to ignore because I was dealing with other editing problems.

I returned to it recently, because I saw a call I wanted to send it to. The problem was, the call was for stories under 6k, and I wasn’t sure I could cut this story again and still retain its punch. But hey. The biggest feedback I got was about how I handled my descriptions and dialog, and the amount of repetition that slipped into my words. So I absorbed that, and I dug into the story, and I started ripping it apart.

I didn’t edit it, exactly, nor did I completely rewrite it. I printed it. I read it twice. Then I placed it on the desk and went a few paragraphs at a time and started with a blank file and filled it in. Some pieces went in verbatim. Most of it changed. Huge chunks disappeared, and a few new things appeared. Some of it got rearranged. The wordiness disappeared.

Here’s an example…

Before:

"You get one hour," Lana says softly. "One hour with him, and then you're leaving him behind. You're taking your fate and you're setting him free."

After:

"One hour," Lana says. "Then take your fate with you and set him free."

The new version of the story came in under 6k. I did it, and the best part is, I don’t hate it. In fact, this was sentence level revision of a style I had never done before. The closest I’ve come to it is editing flash fiction to be under very tiny wordcounts (or drabbles of exactly 100 words, which gods, those take me longer than writing a short fic!).

I’m not sure I could’ve done this without the editing I did for Into the Split over the last many months. I had to dig into that in ways I have never edited a novel before, and it prepared me to dig even more deeply into this short story.

I’m learning. I guess you can teach old dogs some new tricks.

[filmnoirsbian]

okay the post u made trying to find the author of that poem made me think of an essay i lost that ive been looking for for a loooong time and im gonna take a chance and see if youve read it or could help me find it (but also feel free to ignore this if its annoying lol).

it was an essay by a young author, i would say she was in her 20s? for some reason the names emily or lauren ring a bell but thats just me guessing. the essay was about an experience she had with her family hound dog named maggie growing up. they lived in a mountainous area somewhere in the midwestern US or maybe more out west. the dog used to go up the mountain everyday that was basically in their backyard, and one day she was attacked by wolves. she was able to escape alive and make it all the way back home, torn to shreds. i cant remember if she died from her wounds or lived for a long time after that. but it was so fucking poignant and there was a deeper meaning to it and god i really wish i didnt lose it :') i remember reading it on some website, idk if it was published anywhere else, and i want to say she wrote the story in response to winning an award? idk if that helps at all but ANYWAYS if u have ever heard of this. that would be so cool lmao

OH MY FUCKING GOD IGNORE MY LAST ASK I JSUT DECIDED TO LOOK FOR IT AGAIN FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES AFTER TRYING SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE WITH NO SUCCESS AND I FUCKING FOUND IT!!!!!!!! its the half-wolves by emily ruskovich

I'm so glad‼️

[aropride]

i have been deeply appreciating ur TGI posting and was wondering what ur fave songs off of it are !! - mare

HI MARE im free from academia for the day (FINALLY) so i can answer this yayayaayy

as of right now. and this is in album order And im about to list off like a good third of the album sorry in advance but: only girl living in la, dog years, letter to god 1974, letter to god 1983, darwinism, lonely is the muse, and life of the spider

first of all. only girl living in la is an INSANE way to start an album. Like i knew i was absolutely in for it seeing the track list and that we were Starting with a 6 minute long song i was like Oh she loves me specifically she knew id been tormented by songs that are 2 minutes long for too long. i dont think ive ever finished the first song on an album and been, like, scared to listen to the rest of it before (good thing)

dog years. i canteven say anything yet Like theres no words. probably one of my favorites out of my favorites

letter to god 1974 and letter to god 1983 are twins to me. (well triplets shoutout letter to god 1998 no disrespect to my girl its just the first two are my faves personally) Thank u halsey for addressing the "wanting to get really sick so people would pay attention to you" to "getting really sick and it turns out people kinda dont gaf if ur in ur 20s about it" pipeline

hometown- is anyone else trying so hard to escape their hometown or is it just me and halsey and gerard "i know im never getting out of belleville" way. also i love her voice on this one

darwinism- i was reading it as being about physical disability but apparently she said it was about neurodivergence either way is anybody else feeling ostracized from the rest of society or is it just me and halsey out here

lonely is the muse- INSANE FUCKING SONG vocally lyrically musically everything. when i found out there was gonna be a Whole Album and lonely is the muse was on it i realized i was going to die.and then i did. <3

life of the spider- i knew there was a tori amos song on the album and the one tori amos song im really familiar with is me and a gun so of course i was terrified .and i was right to be. love a song i cant listen to without having a panic attack one of my favorite genres. insanely haunting song i cant really listen to this one casually yet or possibly ever i have to like sit down and prepare. this morning i saw a spider in my bathroom and started crying. tomorrow more of the same. "favorite" not in the way where i listen to it a lot favorite in the way where i can barely listen to it at all

also one more thing i feel like in general the album is organized very well does that make sense. like the songs are in a specific order that is good and makes sense. only girl living in la -> ego -> dog years -> letter to god 1974 is an insane run of songs generally let alone first on the album but also it like. makes sense why theyre in that order. also darwinism -> lonely is the muse -> arsonist -> life of the spider i can say the same of. like yeah thats the exact order those songs should go in. this is really not a Shuffling Album to me at ALL theres a specific order they all go in and i really like that Bc half the time These Days it feels like everythings so focused on having 2 minute long songs with 15 second clips that blow up on tiktok that its always nice to have an album thats like. Ok thankgod they actually give a fuck about this and its not optimized for social media analytics

thank u for reading My essay ^___^<3 u sent this 5 hours ago when i was working on my school stuff and i waslike oh thank god i get to talk about music later. A little treat for meeee to rewind and such.And then immediately i wrote A lot of sentences but, like, for fun this time so it counts as Rewinding

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Ben Appel

Published: Mar 17, 2024

On February 5, 2024, The Free Press published the whistleblowing account of Tamara Pietzke, a Washington State mental health therapist. For six years, Pietzke worked at MultiCare, one of Washington state’s largest hospital systems. In her essay, Pietzke explained why she chose to leave MultiCare in January.

“In the past year I noticed a concerning new trend in my field,” Pietzke wrote. “I was getting the message from my supervisors that when a young person I was seeing expressed discomfort with their gender—the diagnostic term is gender dysphoria—I should throw out all my training. No matter the patient’s history or other mental health conditions that could be complicating the situation, I was simply to affirm that the patient was transgender, and even approve the start of a medical transition.”

Pietzke described the case studies of three patients she treated at MultiCare. One was a 13-year-old girl who had an abusive mother, was a victim of multiple sexual assaults, and had been diagnosed with “depression, PTSD, anxiety, intermittent explosive disorder, and autism.” After the girl was diagnosed with gender dysphoria, despite the girl’s complex history, the Mary Bridge clinicians recommended she take medication to suppress her periods and consider taking testosterone. When Pietzke voiced her concerns to her program manager, she was told to “examine [her] personal beliefs and biases about trans kids.” The girl was then promptly removed from her care.

Another patient, a 16-year-old client who had anxiety, depression, and ADHD, told Pietzke that, during the pandemic, after reading online about gender, she didn’t feel like a girl anymore. Soon, she started using she/they pronouns and wearing a chest binder. In 2022, she went to Mary Bridge, where she was prescribed birth control to stop her period, since the girl’s father wouldn’t consent to allowing testosterone treatment. After a hospitalization for swallowing a bottle of pills, the girl told Pietzke she identified as a “wounded male dog” and talked about wearing ears and a tail in order to feel more like her true self. Pietzke’s concerns were minimized by her colleagues, who seemed to have no issue with patients identifying as animals if it made them happy.

In 2022, Pietzke began treating a female in her early twenties who had transitioned as a teen. The patient, who rarely left the house and spent most of the day in bed, had been diagnosed with autism, anxiety, gender dysphoria, depression, Tourette syndrome, and a conversion disorder. Mary Bridge prescribed the girl testosterone in 2018, when she was 17, “despite the fact that this patient is diabetic and one of the hormone’s side effects is that it might increase insulin resistance,” wrote Pietzke. “The patient’s mother, who has another transgender child, strongly encouraged it.”

“My biggest fear about the gender-affirming practices my industry has blindly adopted is that they are causing irreversible damage to our clients,” wrote Pietzke. “I am desperate to help my patients. And I believe, if I don’t speak out, I will have betrayed them.”

In mid-February, I spoke to Pietzke over Zoom. She had just been fired from her new job.

After Pietzke left MultiCare, she was hired by a therapy clinic to provide mental health counseling and neurofeedback, a treatment that helps patients produce more positive brainwaves. From the beginning, Pietzke’s new boss had insisted that, if neurofeedback wasn’t for her, she could switch to counseling full time. And yet, when Pietzke requested this change, her boss said that wasn’t an option and promptly let her go.

The way Pietzke described it, it sounded like her whistleblowing had contributed to her boss’s decision. Now, Pietzke hopes to open her own practice in order to avoid running into this issue at yet another clinic.

“I just want to be able to do my job and help people,” she told me.

In Washington, conversion therapy laws include “gender identity” along with sexual orientation, which means that therapists can face legal repercussions for failing to properly affirm a patient in his or her trans identity. I asked Pietzke if this concerns her.

“Believe me, I’m making it very clear that I’m not trying to change anybody,” she said. “All I want to be able to say is, ‘Let’s put a pin in it. Let’s process this and work through this and not rush to medicalize. You’re a child.’”

I explained to Pietzke how I first got involved in this issue. After I learned that gender-nonconforming youth were being medicalized, I began to wonder what the difference was between a “trans kid” and the effeminate little boy that I had been growing up.

“I was teased all the time as a kid,” I said. “In middle school, I was often asked, ‘Are you a boy or a girl?’ Most of my friends were girls and I loved girly things. I was really athletic, but I wanted to play with the girl's lacrosse stick rather than the boy's lacrosse stick. So, to imagine that there would be this ideology, for lack of a better word, that said, 'Which sex do you feel like? Which sex do you identify as, according to these gender norms?’ I can’t imagine, being young, I would’ve been able to answer, ‘Oh, I know I feel more like a boy.’”

“It would’ve been so confusing,” said Pietzke.

“And, because I was raised really religious, I couldn’t reconcile my sexuality with my upbringing,” I said. “So, I’m sure I may have thought, ‘Good, this isn’t a moral defect, it’s just a medical problem that I can fix. I’ll feel more comfortable, I’ll blend into society more, and the bullying might stop.’”

That was why I asked about the conversation therapy laws, I told Pietzke. “Like you said, you’re not trying to change anybody. But there needs to be some exploring here, because there can be other things at play, including the possibility that you’re just dealing with a gender-nonconforming kid who will grow up to be gay.” In other words, “gender-affirming care” can be a new form of gay conversion therapy.

“My understanding is that about 85 percent of gender-distressed youth who are allowed to progress through puberty normally resolve that distress,” said Pietzke. “And oftentimes they do end up being gay. For a kid to even have the thought that they might have been born in the wrong body is just so unfair.”

She continued. “And that is what kids are talking about now. They don’t even need an adult to say it. Their peers start to identify as another gender, and they think, ‘OK, maybe I am, too.’”

To describe what’s occurring in the medical system when it comes to “gender-affirming care,” Pietzke said that, in the past, she has hesitated to use the word “corruption,” only because “it feels so extreme.”

“But that’s what it is,” she said. “A level of corruption that makes me heartsick. I have to wonder, do people really think they’re doing what’s best for people? Or, are they personally benefiting from providing these treatments in some way? I’m trying to figure it out. But it’s scary to me.”

Last year, I spoke with Dr. Laura Edwards-Leeper, the founding psychologist for the first hospital-based pediatric gender clinic in the U.S. During our conversation, Dr. Edwards-Leeper, who adapted the “Dutch Protocol”—puberty blockers followed by cross-sex hormones and surgery—to be used in the U.S., used the word “cult” at least five times to describe what’s become of her field. Practitioners, she said, are ignoring nearly everything they’ve learned about childhood development and instead taking cues from colleagues who might have the “lived experience” of being trans but who lack medical training. Often, practitioners fear being labeled transphobic if they fail to follow the dictates of these colleagues.

I asked Pietzke if she agreed with Dr. Edwards-Leeper’s observations.

“Absolutely,” she said. “I definitely think people are afraid of being labeled transphobic.” She described a virtual gender-affirming care training she attended while working for MultiCare. For asking basic questions about possible side effects and health consequences of cross-sex hormones, and about the high correlation between gender dysphoria and other mental health disorders in girls, “that [label] was thrown out at me almost immediately,” she said. “They said I was harming people and that I need to keep ‘politics’ out of it.” After the training session, four people reached out to Pietzke to say that they had the same concerns, but they were afraid to speak up because they saw how she had been treated. “They’re scared,” she said.

When it comes to the politicization of this issue, I told Pietzke, I’m often reminded of Newton’s third law of motion: for every action in nature, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That is, if one side objects to, say, cross-sex hormones for gender-distressed teenagers, the other side doubles down by proposing even more radical interventions or by fear-mongering about suicide. It becomes a game of ping-pong, with vulnerable kids stuck in the middle.

Another activist tactic that really bothers me, I continued, is when they accuse people who object to sex-trait modification for minors of opposing gender-nonconformity in general.

“In reality, it’s the exact opposite,” I said. “I want society to make more space for young people who innately transgress gender norms. All I’m saying is that defying stereotypes is not a medical problem that needs to be fixed.” Especially when the “fixing” means severe health consequences, infertility, and often, particularly for males, anorgasmia.

Pietzke agreed. “Why can’t we just let people be people without making them think there’s something wrong with the way they’re wired?” she said. “Adolescence is uncomfortable for everybody. Let’s be the adults in this situation and guide them through it, rather than rushing to medicalize them.”

To learn more about Pietzke’s preferred approach to counseling young people, I posed a scenario. “Let’s say a thirteen- or fourteen-year-old comes to you for therapy. She’s really masculine-presenting, likes hanging out with boys, is rough and tumble, and she says that she doesn’t feel like a girl. How would you handle this?”

Pietzke didn’t take long to respond. “I have a few thoughts,” she said. “My first inclination would be to ask her, “What does being a girl mean to you? What does feeling like a girl mean? Because if what you’re saying is that you don’t like fake nails and fake eyelashes and going shopping, well, that doesn’t mean you’re not a girl. That’s just one type of being a girl.”

Pietzke continued, “I’ve puzzled over this a lot. I’ve thought, what if a kid came in and said she was going to kill herself because she thought she was in the wrong body? Well, that made me ask myself, what would I do if a person with depression said she was going to kill herself? The solution isn’t fixing the thing that appears to be causing distress. You need to treat the resilience piece, so that when hard things happen or difficult feelings arise, you don’t automatically default to thinking, ‘I don’t want to be alive anymore.’ Of course I’d tell my patient, ‘Yes, I absolutely hear that you’re in pain and I care so much about that. But this suicidal piece, we need to work on that. Because life is hard, and I certainly want to help you have the resilience to be able to navigate the hard things.’”

Pietzke and I talked about the data, in particular the fact that there is no evidence showing that kids and adolescents who don’t receive puberty blockers or cross-sex hormones are at greater risk of suicide, despite activists’ dogged insistence on peddling this narrative. In reality, these treatments could be making things worse for many people.

Pietzke said, “If we just assume that someone’s struggles are strictly because of gender distress and we don’t teach them the skills to navigate depression, anxiety, or whatever else they might be struggling with, we’re not doing them any favors.”

I told Pietzke that I sometimes fear that the LGBT organizations that push this false suicide narrative are actually creating a greater risk of suicide contagion among young people.

“Exactly,” said Pietzke. “If I were 14, and I was told that, if the adults in my life don’t let me do this one thing, I might commit suicide, there’s a good possibility that I would start to think, ‘Maybe I am suicidal.’ I think it just amplifies the distress.”

Since Pietzke went public with her story, she said that no one from MultiCare has contacted her. This doesn’t surprise me. But it surprised Pietzke.

“I really thought, ‘How can people hear this information and the facts and statistics and still think that I’m in the wrong?’” she said. “I know that makes me sound naïve, but I just don’t understand.”

“It’s crazy-making,” I said.

“It is crazy-making. I’ve thought, ‘What is wrong with me?’ I feel like it’s The Twilight Zone, where I’m screaming that the sky is blue and everyone says, ‘No, it’s orange.’”

As Pietzke spoke, I thought back to just a few of the myriad times I’ve questioned my own sanity when it comes to this issue. I told her that I’m constantly asking myself whether I’ve missed some important detail.

“I don’t think the other side is questioning themselves like we do,” said Pietzke. “At least I don’t hear them doing it. If you’re not willing to reconsider your position on things, then you’re pushing for an ideology rather than what’s best practice for the people you’re treating.”

What has helped Pietzke is the support she’s received since she came forward with her story. “I have had people contact me and thank me for speaking out,” Pietzke said. “I’m so grateful for that, because this is a lonely process.”

She mentioned Jamie Reed, the whistleblower from the pediatric gender clinic at Washington University in St. Louis. Reed, who is now the executive director of the LGBT Courage Coalition, which advocates for gender medicine reform and is a resource for whistleblowers, helped Pietzke through the process.

“I listen to Jamie talk and I think she’s so smart, she has so much knowledge,” said Pietzke. “I’m just a mom and a therapist who wants to give people the best treatment that they deserve. Having the support now has meant a lot to me.”

Today, Pietzke has no regrets about blowing the whistle. She said that she would be “devastated” to learn that a young person she had helped transition came to regret it.

“This isn’t a gray area,” Pietzke said. “Kids can’t adequately consent to these treatments. As a therapist, my loyalty isn’t just to them at 13, 14, or 15. My loyalty is to them 10 years down the road, too.”

--

About the Author

Ben Appel has written for Newsweek, The Free Press, Quillette, Unherd, and many other publications. His memoir, Cis White Gay, about his experience in LGBT activism and Ivy League academia, is forthcoming. Subscribe to his Substack and follow him on X @benappel.

[theartofdreaming1]

For the weird writing asks and sorry I'm on mobile on the train, can't copy the questions right now but:

4, 15, 16, 35 aaaand 40

Sorry <3

4. What's a word that makes you absolutely feral?

Hmh, I don't know if I really have a specific word like that (or at least can't remember on the spot), but I guess the most recent time I felt like I'd go feral over a word was while watching episode 2 of Pushing Daisies, when we see Ned getting dumped at boarding school and his father's saying good-bye and we get this absolutely cutting narration:

"I'll be back," he lied.

I think I've never felt this strongly over the use of such a simple word as 'to lie" before, but this simple phrase (and word) really felt like a punch to the gut, damn.

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

No, I can't bring myself to write in books; I once just wrote my name on the very first empty page of a book (I think in pencil, even?) and I have felt absolutely horrible about it ever since (it doesn't help that my handwriting is atrocious). If I want to mark some phrases/passages from a book I'm reading, I write them down on a blank index card (complete with page citation) and put that in the book or I use some tiny sticky-notes 😅

The only exception I've ever made without a guilty conscience was writing the inscription of the ring from LOTR into my edition of Heinrich von Kleist's "Die Verlobung in St. Domingo" ("The Betrothal in Santo Domingo"), which I had to read for school xD

Similarly, I can't even fathom dog-earing any book on purpose! I try to keep my books as pristine as possible, even doing my darndest not to open my unabridged edition of Les Miserablés too widely, lest the spine gets more cracks and becomes even uglier (a very futile endeavour, since it is one of those boring black penguin paperback editions and the book is over a 1000 pages thick and you're inevitably gonna get some cracks in the spine, but I just cannot help myself)

And since I don't like taking baths and don't have a tub in my apartment, I don't read in the bath (I also would be terrified of getting my poor book wet).

But at this point in my life I'm mature enough to take a live-and-let-live stance on these things, so I won't judge people who do this to their books too harshly ;) (I can definitely see the appeal of handwritten margins in books, although the concept of dog-earing a book still makes me wince just thinking of it- but as long as it's not my book, it's fine)

16. What's the weirdest thing you've ever used as a bookmark?

Boy, I'll use anything at hand as a bookmark (although now that I have gotten some of the bookmarks I designed myself printed, I usually have something at hand) and since I'm quite messy, an improvised bookmark can be anything - grocery receipts, return receipts from library books, other books, whole comic book issues, empty envelopes, you name it 😅

35. What's your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

Rules, what are rules? 😉🔨 Honestly, I don't think I consciously follow any rules when I sit down to write my little stories - I just bang my head against the keyboard until the words sound like the story that is lodged somewhere inside my brain;- I once had to take a "Writing" exam in which we had to write a strictly structured 250-300 word pro-contra-essay and it was absolute agony - I like my creative writing to be joyful and free (once it gets past my crippling perfectionism and debilitating procrastination, that is ;)

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

I'm always very fond of Emily Dickinson's "Hope":

“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all - And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard - And sore must be the storm - That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm - I’ve heard it in the chillest land - And on the strangest Sea - Yet - never - in Extremity, It asked a crumb - of me.

[seeingivy]

babe, ramble time i just came back from watching the hunger games :tbosbas with my friend and girl tom blyth with a buzz cut i was literally melting in my seat as soon as i saw him i thought of ur fancast of gojo for young snow and i just can’t it was too good. also, the person working at the cashier gave us 2 free taylor swift eras tour cup like omg and i thought of you bc my brain thinks taylor swift=ronnie(i’m so close to turning into a swiftie). anyways yea that was my night, how has ur day been lovely? sorry for intruding ur inbox to go on a rant but i thought so much of you today i had too. hope you’re doing well ��💗

MY LOVELY NONNIE!

first and foremost, I am literally NOT a buzzcut girl but when he showed up I was like....oh.....oh with the dog tag and about to go swimming with lucy gray oh im sat...

also gojo eats as the role too hard bc he too would be stupid and go "I killed three people" "whose the third" "oh....the old me" ok lwymd lets calm down a bit

me converting people to swiftieism like its a religion or somethign but actually its just bc its the only thing I can talk about but im so glad (my taylor swift song of the day is long story short!)

my day was okay! I had to do some training for new volunteers at the hospital I work at (and then I violently thought about quitting the entire way home). I took a three and a half hour nap on accident when I should have studied and then panic wrote this essay I have due in two hours (but lowkey I think I ate)!

I am now cuddled up in bed and writing method acting bc I had one of those intense brainrot days where the next chapter just kind of materialized in my head (the next chapter is called lovesick)

[kitten4sannie]

groupie anon is back to say that that seonghwa fic.... ngl I was so anxious about them going at it in reader's workplace but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. ALSO I READ THE YUNHO ASTRONAUT ONE- I... that was not very cash money of you ngl.

You deserve to be hyped up um??? giving us all this for FREE?? (my broke uni student self thanks you, on my knees, bowing to you like the angel you are).

also don't mind if you find this account hahah, i just like being groupie anon hehe. I already made my kpop account but I'm waiting to write that fic first before I start being active on it!

honestly, your response to my idea was so wholesome, I might cry. I planned on going home and watching the lectures I've missed while I was in class, but uni can wait. sannie sick fic cannot. I will birth it today no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT.

I got into ateez a bit late but they're one of my ults along with seventeen, but sannie has been a consistent bias. I like to say I don't really have biases and it changes everyday, but san.... he's... yeah. he's made a home for himself in my head. living rent free. slay. but no seriously I'm dtf any day, any time, anywhere. however he wants. I would do questionable things for that man. ehem. moving on. I'd crawl on the floor like a dog and- ANYWAY... other than san though, the rest kind of fight for the bias position everyday.

us as public penpals??? shut up that's so fjfufbhs CUTE im melting. I can't wait to write that fic now hahaha.

thank you for your kinds wishes, I really hope uni goes easy on me this year :").

I hope all is going well for you!!! until next time :* (maybe next time would be through my actual account, rather than as groupie anon! ^^)

heyyyy yeah i feel like the reader’s going to be having a meeting with her boss whenever she gets back sjhsdgd ohhh the astronaut yunho one 🥺 yeah that was the exact opposite of cash money i hurt my feelings so much after i wrote that ;;; but that kind of angst hurts just right sometimes 💔

it may be for free but i get paid in praise so that’s a win in my book 💕 hshdhd don’t awaken anything in me nowww and i’m def not an angel in any capacity more like a goblin that sits in its den and writes filth in the darkness loll.

i have some ideas but i’m not completely sure! oooh okay i can’t wait till you start posting! awwh haha i just really liked that concept you came up with it’s just so insanely fluffy and domestic i want to cry happy tears 🥹 ahhhhh sick sannieeee i can’t wait to read it!! i’m so excited dude

ooh seventeen i like a lot of their music! i can’t pick a bias tho there’s just too many and my mind can’t make a decision jshhs but vernon tho… that man could get it. who’s your seventeen bias btw? yeah i feel that in my bones like san is just something else like i could write a 10 page mla essay on why i love him and how delusional i am for that man but i won’t for everyone’s sake 👍🏼 “crawl on the floor like a dog” FOULLLL but same like where’s the leash? it’s time for walkies - i’m just gonna stop talking now… but same i can’t pick where it comes to the rest of them they’re just too powerful 😔

it is really cute huh??? i’m so glad you decided to send me an ask bc i’m loving this! but if you wanna dm too i’m 100% down for that <3 you’re welcome and i hope it does too hang in there and just take it one day at a time <3 it’s def not the best but it’ll get better soon! oooh sounds good i’ll be looking forward to your next ask 💕

[oliviahallwriting]

Chapter 10

The essay had turned out well, all things considered. And by ‘well’, Tom meant ‘submitted three minutes before the time expired, passing the page count’, which had to be good enough. His relief had been short-lived, because he’d noticed, on the turn-in page, that he’d forgotten to start another of his assignments for a different class, which was due in the morning.

It had taken two coffees to get him to his classes the next day, and an additional energy drink to sway him off of the path back to his dorm and towards Laura’s address. Even then, the caffeine and taurine coursing through him only kept him on autopilot. He didn’t think much, but as he walked, coarse shame swirled through him, its center something about high school. Jun had told him something the day before that had sparked the feeling, Tom remembered, but he couldn’t recall exactly what.

He passed the campus bookstore, where Jun was waiting for him. A brisk winter wind rushed through the surrounding trees as they noticed each other. The combination of the two finally woke Tom from his stupor.

“What are you thinking about?” Jun asked. “You look pensive.”

“Oh, uh, high school, I guess.”

“Gross. Don’t remind me.”

A moment of quiet passed as they continued their walk.

“How’s your day been?” Tom asked, breaking the quiet. 

“I had to write about a local news interview for one of my classes. Honestly, I have mixed opinions about local news, because most of them really seem to only cover obscure kidnappings, but it turns out that Loftman has a legendary local news circuit. Honestly, it’s probably subsidized or something, because everyone there really cares. Especially the reporter I wrote about, Isabel Ramirez. She’s a legend.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. The story had to do with Impulse. You know, that abhorrent cologne?”

Tom nodded. He couldn’t have forgotten the smell if he’d tried.

“It keeps selling out,” Jun continued, “But only in the stores close to Loftman’s campus. She was finding out if there were any odd ingredients or chemicals in it. Or, I suppose, if there were any social-psych factors. People trying to impress others, et cetera.”

“What’d she find out?”

“It keeps selling out, but only in the stores close to campus. Ramirez’s team couldn’t find anything in it, though. The interviews were strange, though. Some of the store employee’s answers repeated each other, even to the word. I probably wouldn’t have caught it if I didn’t have to quote them directly.” Jun frowned. “That’s kind of weird, right?”

Tom nodded but had no idea what to make of the statement. 

“Anyway, it was kind of an interesting story. Maybe it was her delivery,” Jun said, starry-eyed. “God, I wish I could be her. I mean, be me, but be her, you know?”

In another few moments they reached the address Laura had given them. Apparently she, and a few roommates, were pitching in to rent a house.

“Oh, by the way, apparently she has a dog,” Tom said, offhand.

Jun stiffened. “What kind?”

“I don’t know. His name is Box.”

“Is he, uh, large?”

“Maybe,” Tom said, eyeing a decent-sized but blocked pet door built into the house. “Why?”

Jun looked ready to bolt back to campus.

“Afraid of dogs?” Tom asked.

“A little.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Tom said, and knocked. The pet door jostled as something crashed into it from the other side.

Jun stared at the pet door, eyes wide, and fumbled for Tom’s hand.

“He’s friendly!” Laura shouted from the other side of the door. “Hang on!”

She opened the door, releasing Box to the yard. He stood at about waist-height and sniffed Tom’s free hand, before gently drooling over Tom’s fingers and gazing upwards with large, hopeful eyes. Box wasn’t that big, but he was almost all muscle, and Tom could see how Jun would be intimidated.

“American bulldog,” Laura said, as they went inside. “He’s a rescue.” She hadn’t seemed to notice Jun’s fear, and rustled Box’s ears. The dog closed his eyes and whimpered happily.

After exploring Tom’s shoes, Box plodded over to Jun, who made a squeaking noise.

“Let him say hello,” Laura said.

Jun offered his gently-shaking hand for Box to sniff. When the dog started to lick his fingers, he pulled away with a yelp.

“I’m afraid of dogs,” he said.

“I can see that,” Laura replied. She pulled Box’s collar to guide him towards Tom. “Fair enough. He’s hella strong, but really sweet. He wouldn’t hurt you.” She patted Box’s head, causing the dog to close his eyes and loll his tongue out of his mouth. “Wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t! Good boy.”

“Couldn’t you tell him ‘off’ or ‘down’ or something?” Jun asked.

“No,” Laura replied matter-of-factly. “He doesn’t really do verbal commands. I’m not sure why; I’ve tried everything.”

“Oh, weird,” Tom said. “Box? Sit. Stay.”

Box wandered off to another room, ignoring him completely.

“But he’s well-behaved otherwise,” Laura defended. “Poops outside and never jumps on people or anything. He doesn’t even mind the vet that much. My working hypothesis is that it’s just his personality, that he does only what he wants. Maybe it’s a rebellious streak or trauma from a previous owner.”

“Have you tried a different name?” Jun asked.

“Well, the shelter had ‘Gregory’, so that’s the name on all the papers. But he doesn’t respond to that, either.”

“His name is Gregory?” Tom asked.

“Yeah, technically.”

“Then why—” Tom started to ask, before the thudding of Box’s paws echoed from the kitchenette and he appeared in the doorway, carrying a small cardboard box in his jaws. Box’s tail was wagging furiously.

“He can’t get enough of them,” Laura said. “Haven’t had much success with any other kind of toy. Oh, speaking of which, if you have a bunch of packaging, I’ll take it off your hands.” Then she turned to the dog. “Go on, bring it to Tom! Only if you want, of course.”

Tom clapped his hands on his knees, hoping that a little exuberance would sway Box’s opinion on the matter. Sure enough, the dog strode over and put the box at Tom’s feet. 

Tom turned to Jun, who looked nonplussed. Laura took the hint and finally realized that she hadn’t asked for his name. She apologized and introduced herself. Tom stayed back and petted Box for a bit and watched them chat. Laura seemed more at-ease than when she spoke to him. Tom frowned; the two of them had a more chill rapport than Tom did with either of them separately. After a while, Jun became more used to the animal, and when Laura brought in a bag of treats, he let Box grab one from his hand.

“I would die for you, Box,” Jun said fervently.

…

They were already half an hour late to the party, which was good. Tom never wanted to be the first person arriving at a scene, especially if he didn’t know the hosts. Laura grabbed a six-pack of hard lemonades from the kitchenette before they left.

“My roommates study in the engineering library,” Laura said, as they walked. “If you were curious about why my place was so empty.”

“Oh. Did they buy the drinks?” Tom asked. 

Laura looked at him oddly. “I’m twenty-two.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Jun covered. “You don’t look a day over nineteen.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Laura replied. After a short pause, she glanced upwards, clearly a little startled. “Wait, how old are you?”

“We’re eighteen,” Tom said.

“I can’t believe I’m hanging out with children,” Laura said. “Now I feel kind of weird.”

“Technically adults,” Jun replied.

“At least you look like you can handle a party,” Laura said to him, and laughed at the admonished look Tom gave her. “You might spontaneously combust.”

“Hey,” Tom retorted, half-heartedly.

“She’s not wrong,” Jun said.

Tom didn’t have a rebuttal. Jun continued.

“Wait, so how did you two meet? No way you’re in the same class.”

“We aren’t,” Laura said.

Tom stiffened; Laura was careless. If Jun pressed her, she’d have to reveal that she’d met him while he was freaking out, and then he’d ask why, and ultimately either laugh at him for being worried over nothing, or be roped into whatever weirdness had panicked Kiyana, the weirdness that he still couldn’t contextualize. Tom gave Laura a look that he hoped would convey the entirety of that idea, which was a lot to ask of an expression.

Laura didn’t get it, clearly, since she continued with barely a pause. 

“We met in a hallway. He was panicking about the whole email thing.”

“Email thing?” Jun asked.

“Bureaucracy and shit,” Tom replied. “Don’t worry about it. His face started to heat up a little. He took a little too long to meet Jun’s eyes. When he did, he saw a fire in them, an up-to-this-point unseen anger.

“Tom?” Jun asked.

“Hmm?”

“Are you lying to me?”

“Uh,” Tom replied, pitifully.

“I doubt it was important, but I can’t believe that you’d lie to my face.”

“If you’re still interested, I’ll tell you later,” Tom replied. Anything to move on.

Jun looked at Laura pointedly.

“Um,” she replied. “Sorry, I thought you knew more of what’s been going on.”

“What has been going on?” Jun asked. “Because it really feels like now I should know.”

“After the party,” Tom said. “Honestly, I don’t really know what’s going on at this point.”

Jun, defeated, glared at him. “Unbelievable.”

“I’m sure it’s not personal,” Laura said.

“Yeah, whatever,” Jun said. “Let’s go.”

[xxmolls]

Time for a pinned post! Hi! I'm Molly (technically Mariel, but my nickname has been Molly since before I was born!). she/her, in my 30's, Missouri (US).

I am a singer/songwriter, though when I was 19 and hellbent on making that my career, I got sick with late stage neurological lyme disease. My health has been a dumpster fire since then, and I spent basically all of my 20's on-and-off bedridden (You can follow that SUPER fun journey under the tag health ramble -- I have had this tumblr since I was 19 so we have gone through a lot of shit together). When I turned 30, after getting treatment for MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome), I finally started to get my life back. I have been diagnosed with Tourette's since I was 4. That has added an interesting dimension into my "medical mystery," which tends to fascinate (and befuddle) doctors AND ALSO keeps things somewhat entertaining day to day. I find a lot of humor in my tics (though sometimes they can be pretty debilitating!). I worked at a summer camp for kids with Tourette Syndrome for 4 years, so I love meeting and chatting with fellow ticcers and consider myself an advocate. I have recently begun writing kind of personal essays that explain inspirations for songs I wrote and connect them to what was going on in my life (and often my health shitshow) at the time. I've been tagging those with My Writing if you are interested in reading (or blacklisting). I recorded an album of original (mostly Americana) songs years ago. You can listen to that on Spotify at Molly Trull - "Nothing Is Enough" It's available on basically every streaming / music service you can think of (including youtube). Just search my name and the album title (Nothing Is Enough). My bandcamp is here if you want to buy and download the mp3s to own.

Some of the songs on the album are literally songs I wrote in high school, just to warn you. I feel like I have outgrown them a bit. I am still proud of my songs, though, and I think the album doesn’t sound too bad.

I have an old soundcloud account where I have uploaded some of the songs from my album as well as some home demos, and some covers I have done. You can find that here I post a lot of music that I love to listen to and that has inspired my own songwriting. You can find all that at my music tag.

I write about my family a lot because we have a lot of family lore and frequent shenanigans. You can find those posts under the tag my flamboyantly dysfunctional family

I watch a lot of tv. I am involved in several fandoms. I am a gigantic fucking nerd. Find my tv fandom-y posts under tv

I love my dogs and post pics of them a lot because I think they are super cute and ridiculous. Find those furry idiots (affectionate) under my dogs

Thank you for reading this monstrosity of a pinned post, and feel free to send me an ask anytime! I love making new friends.

xo

Molly

[scribbleagain]

2/22/24

It is nearing the end of the work week of my latest attempt at consistency. This is my first journal to commend an attempt to change for the better. I bought a planner. the word "planner" seems strange and old. I can feel the sweater vest, smell the steam coming from a hot iron, and hear the crisp creases on a button down on it. an agenda book. that's what it is. like the good old days with the holographic covers that bobbed and weaved when you would tilt it to and fro. Anyway I love it. I like taking a pencil and scratching off every item. (I will soon do so again after finishing this newest addition to my agenda book). I haven't journaled in years. I don't know when I last did so in a serious way. It'll probably be better today because of the time that has passed since my last one.

or maybe worse.

the phone could have kept an agenda. I've actually done it before. but crossing something off with my pencil is a different feeling of accomplishment than tip tapping away on a screen. it's not the simple action. the phone is conflated. I do too many other things on it. Life used to be more sectioned off. one thing - one responsibility. I think when the phone started doing one more thing it was the beginning of the end. colors on my screen. it would blink from the default green to an orange and a red and a blue and whatever other colors. why. why did it need to take another step forward. because after that and texting with a full keyboard. and then taking pictures. we all fell apart in some way didn't we? people i mean. I think I did. it was all just too much happening in the palm of your hand. that eventually you couldn't remember anymore what it is you really wanted to do in the first place.

but this agenda book. silly little book. only has one job. to remember what i said i needed to do. and to do it and it rewards me the satisfaction of crossing it out. like homework in gradeschool.

I wake up in the morning, groggy as all hell but at a particular time now. because I wrote down that i said I would. and dare i let my day start by being unable to cross out an item on my agenda! the horror, what would that mean for the rest of my day. It let's me take my dog for a walk. do a few arm curls and shoulder presses. such a silly simple thing. writing and crossing things out.

I was watching a show "this is us" for the first time these past few weeks. ah it started in a really uncomfortable place for me for some reason. I figured out it was because I wasn't watching this show to relax or have fun. I was watching it to get mentorship. as soon as i came to terms with that the discomfort faded.

I was watching my role models in these fictional characters. living in ways that I wanted to live. but never saw before.

no one's perfect. but i think most of us try to be our best. but sometimes we need to have role models show us how.

I guess I never had that. and I guess it's a weird and new feeling to finally learn.

If I'm a dad one day, I want to be a good dad. I know I won't be perfect. Same with being a husband. a friend. a brother. but i'll try and it's good to have some ideas and examples of what that looks like.

I've also started reading godel escher bach. What a fun and challenging read. but even before talking about the book. What a discipline it is to sit down and read a book every day. to be present for each word. and to allow yourself to be taken down a path in your mind. for me a skill that is regrettably quite rusty. So far the book is pushing my understanding of what it means to think. and how that pertains to ai. I have some ideas that have spawned from shower thoughts and transformed to full on mini essays. It feels like passion. and it makes me feel fortunate to be alive in such an exciting time in history such as this.

I've started to teach coding to a small group of people for free. I don't really think I know why I started this. Maybe a mix between loneliness and looking for purpose. But it's going well some people are taking it quite seriously and learning. People relying on me, in small quantities, always brings out the best in me. And along the way I've learned a lot about myself as well.

I'm excited to approach some of my biggest weaknesses. accept some. and work on others. I've learned that I'm not necessarily a person you want to hang out with every week. I'm a little cynical, a little off putting, a bad drunk. these believe or not are things i'm just accepting about myself (though the drinking will be done less frequently, though probably with vengeful vigor). And then there's speaking. the way I talk, the cadence, the pace, the pauses, the way i talk over people or explain too much, my lack of brevity or pithiness. and that is something I want to work on. To listen to others more, to think more and use fewer words. To learn not to come on too strong. but still show excitement and joy. I think I'm ready for that to be the new me.

which reminds me.

off to my next item. "find youtube speech lessons"

the last agenda item after the "journal" I am finishing now.

[sassykitkat22]

Now i love how vlads obsession switched gears and id like to add to it by making it once more extend onto another person

Jasmine dun dun dunnnnnn

As we know from the show danny got added to his obsession regarding Maddie and Jack after discovering danny is a halfa like him

And since its done a 180 here i think after a while of interacting with jack at some point will brag about his oldest daughter and eventually go down to how many times she helped keep dannys secret as well as make to steer the conversation away from phantom during dinner

And you know making sure jack and Maddie pulled away to actually take care of themselves

What is going through vlads head is something along the lines of

I see while me and jack where blinded by that

she devil my dear niece was not only making sure danny was able to feel safe and comfortable

But also insured my brother from another mother wasn't being worked to the bone by she who shall not be named and making sure he ate food

And yes vlad knows if someone isn't there to check in on jack then he will get sucked into the invention zone but his best buddy is very passionate about technology and we all get that way sometimes

But that tendency had to be ten time worse because no doubt Maddie brushed off any thoughts his best friend could have had about taking a break in order to use his mind to further her goals just like how she did when he was left in the hospital half alive half dead

Why it must have been a constant struggle to ensure jacks continued good health but his niece managed to pulled through

Suddenly, any trouble jazz my have had with uptight rich kids disappears as they try to avoid her and if she ever had to take a loan for college any debt has been paid off

-------

Jack finds a harley quinn on death's door after an argument with the joker one day and decides to help her get back to health

Now jazz as a psychology majore in gotham had heard the story of Dr. Harleen Quinzel at her school, teachers have used her as a cautionary tale about being carful to keep patients at an arms length and some have even done research papers on her because they consider her morbidly fascinating

Some say she's someone who was tragically doomed to fall into being a Rouge eventually due to her family background.

While others consider her a someone who was manipulated, warped by the joker and could have has a normal life if she never encountered him.

One day, she goes to visit her family after having a bit of essay writing block and deciding to take a step back and take a small break

just to find out that her lovable himbo crime lord dad has taken in said

"fuck it if my family can get away with having ties to the criminal underworld why can't I"

Jazz get help on her essay as well as someone to talk psychology to

and harley gets help breaking away from the joker obsession!

Harly, when healed enough, decides to teach jazz some tricks she's learned since in the profession jazz is planning to go into. It's better to be safe than sorry

(Now jazz knows how to aim! Though she still prefes the anti creep stick)

(P.s she's crossed out Fenton and wrote Nightingale creepstick)

Danny, with his dislike and general distrust for clowns, tries to supervise only to get pulled in and eventually get some therapy

Harley after learning about Maddie and what she tried to do to danny decides to join jacks team and gets adopted as a pseudo sibling by Jack

and that's the day she gained a non-shitty but kinda crazy family as well as a place she can feel safe.

Thus, Auntie Harley was born

(Bud and loo are kinda like guard dogs for the building, and Jack absolutely helps to spoil them)

(She and Jazz definitely tag team to help curve their family's bad habits at some point)

(She's helping Danny make chaos as soon as they are left in a room together)

(She is also the therapist for jacks helpers though people where definitely wary of her at first they eventually got use to her)

Now keep in mind she sees how Vlad acts, and while she understands the whole ghost obsession thing, she tends to help keep him on a bit of a leash and pulls him back if it starts negatively affecting everyone with both words and a good smack to the head

------

Something i want to add is vlad didn't originally like her very much and the feeling was mutual After harley came back to visit the first time he tried to threaten integrate her on why she came back what is she planning for his best friend, niece, and nephew how can he get her to leave?

Now vlad as a business man prides himself in being able to hide things from his opponents with a mask

So he's more then a little botherd when she casually lists off all his issues and the possible reasons behind these issues and bein 90% right

He only starts to semi trust her and see her as an ally/pawn is when she smacks down a bunch of goons joker sent to ambush jack after he tried to attack a upgraded crim alley with laughing gas and failed

I cant think of what would push them into being sort of friends but as a friend harley helps vlad through his more toxic traits

And when jack decides to date again she and him being both paranoid about relationships team up to make sure whoever is trying to woo their favorite himbo has honest intentions and isn't looking to use him

And she makes sure vlad doesn't try to make things up so they can cause a breakup

Because lets face it this vlad right here will probably hate the idea of jack trying to date someone purely because (in his eyes) its because of a relationship with Maddie that jack was pulled away from him in his time of need and became distanced enough to the point of misplaced resentment and hatred

So to him, jack dating = no more friendship

Thankfully harley, his frienenemy is there to pull him away from those thoughts before he does something that would actually ruin his friendship

Now, harlys nicknames for the Nightingale family!

Danny=little hyena

on account of his habit to bite dangerous people and ask questions later

Jazz=jazzy

I know its a bit lazy but I could just genuinely see her calling jazz this

Jack= Jackyboy

Again, a bit lazy but I'm honestly drawing a blank, so feel free to pop in with suggestions

Vlad= vamps (Dracula is the one she uses if he does somthing or gets out of control)

Red hood/jason

I have two

shrike

I feel like she could probably figure out his previous identity as robin and shriks are pretty brutal birds if she did

Plus I imagine they get off on the wrong foot due to her past relationship with the joker and I can see him threatening first chance he gets maybe somthing along the lines of "I'll throw you from the highest building I can find then shoot you before you hit the ground just befor you hit the ground if you hurt them"

So violent

And Red Gremlin

There's no reason it just fits

Sam=sqirt

Reasons

Tucker=???

I honestly got nothing I'm not the best at naming things again feel free to give suggestions because again I suck at naming

DP X DC Prompt #45

Gotham has a new rouge. Except he only steals food and medical supplies in great quantities.

(Jack takes Danny and runs to Gotham after a Reveal gone Wrong where Maddie tries to kill Danny)

[nightkitchentarot]

Do Feel Free To Have An Unexpressed Thought

DO FEEL FREE TO HAVE AN UNEXPRESSED THOUGHT - The power of wow and silence -

by Patti Digh July 21, 2023

(Disclaimer: This essay may or may not have been written by my alter ego, Cranky Patti.)

I shared a photograph on Facebook last year that was meaningful to me. It showed our wooden bookshelves with all our beautiful old books and our reading chair beside them. My caption told the story of the poignant photo and what it meant to me. There were so many supportive and curious messages–about the books, about my story of them. And then this one: “Aren’t you embarrassed to show a photo that so clearly indicates how dusty your heat vents are?”

No, bitch. I have three dogs, three cats (at the time), a teenager, and two adults living here. Our floors get dirty. I don’t vacuum 24/7. And, by the way, thanks for being little Miss Judgy McJudgejudge.

Of course, I didn’t say any of that. I simply wrote one word after the comment: “Wow.”

This story has two points: 1) Why do we do this? Why do we look for ways to criticize other people or use every opportunity to bring them down rather than lift them when THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT STAKE, or, EVEN MORE RADICALLY, why don’t we remain silent; and 2) The use of “wow.”

Oh, sure, it starts innocently enough. Someone writes on social media that they love oysters. Rather than ask questions from a place of curiosity or express delight in their delight, the rants start: OH GOD, HOW DO YOU EAT THOSE THINGS? or YOU KNOW THEY ARE FULL OF MERCURY, DON’T YOU? or I WOULDN’T BE CAUGHT DEAD EATING AN OYSTER or SOMETHING ELSE THAT IS TERRIBLE ABOUT OYSTERS.

Or maybe they write that they love a particular poem that reminds them of their recently deceased mother. And someone takes that opportunity to announce that the poet is a horrible person who eats raw kangaroo meat, shoots moose in his backyard for sport, and steals money from an orphanage. That may be true, but is it essential to say that in response? And why does someone feel compelled to say it?

Shush.

Just shush.

Don’t harsh somebody else’s stoke. DO FEEL FREE TO HAVE AN UNEXPRESSED THOUGHT.

This happens a lot.

It’s connected to being right ABOUT INSIGNIFICANT THINGS, which is never a good look for people when it is at the expense of human decency and connection.

A relative of mine is known for speaking her mind. About everything. And especially about people’s weight, including mine. But she’s an equal opportunity offender, speaking her mind about every topic you could imagine. Her defense is this: “If I’m thinking it, I have to say it.”

“No, no, you actually don’t,” goes my inner dialogue. “See? This is how it’s done. You think things and never say them out loud like I’m doing right now!” I think to myself. “People successfully do this all the time!” And maybe, especially when they are around her, I realize.

But no, in The Internet Machine, we feel compelled to react immediately (not respond–that is more thoughtful). And so, if we see someone’s dusty heat vents, we feel we must note them even though they have nothing to do with the story being told. Or we argue about inconsequential things like the books someone loves: “OH MY GOD, THAT IS SUCH TRASH. HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY LIKE THAT BOOK?” What is our intention in doing this to others?

Now, you must know that I am all for raising objections when people disparage groups of people, make racist remarks, or tell sexist jokes and the like. And I am in favor of countering misinformation with facts. But I’m talking about personal pleasures, meaningful moments, and vulnerable shares that some people jump on, like starving wild animals on the savannah who have found their prey for the day.

When Emma was in the first grade, I picked her up from school at the beginning of the year, and we drove to John’s bookshop in Georgetown. When he came out to say hi, she excitedly told us she had taken her first test that day! Of course, our first question was, “How’d you do on the test?” Without any hesitation, she squealed, “I got 30%!”

The body language between me and John was undeniable. We both thought, “OH MY GOD, OUR CHILD IS AN IDIOT,” and “HOW HARD COULD A TEST BE IN THE FIRST GRADE?” I came very close to saying, “You must feel terrible about that grade,” but by some divine inspiration, I paused and said, “How does that make you feel?” She said something I will never forget: “I GOT SOME RIGHT!”

Thank god for the power of the pause. Let’s institute pausing as a national sport. We can host a Superbowl of Pausing, charge obscene amounts of money for ads, and use those funds to feed meals to the whole planet that they can follow with a nice cool drink of safe, clean water.

THE RESONANCE OF SILENCE

Believe it or not, it is possible to see something on Facebook or Twitter that you feel snarky about–like heating vents–and scroll on by. I do it all the time. TRUST ME ON THIS–YOU CAN DO THIS. Rather than respond to someone’s post about loving a movie you hate, move on. Rather than commenting on someone’s appearance (WHICH SHOULD NOT BE DONE AT ALL, EVER), let it go. Be silent. Cultivate unexpressed thoughts like they are gorgeous peonies you want to fertilize with self-restraint.

Silence is a powerful tool for self-discovery, mental well-being, and interpersonal communication. Embracing silence in appropriate moments can lead to a more fulfilling and balanced life. In various spiritual traditions, silence is valued for connecting individuals with their inner selves, a higher power, or the universe. DO THAT INSTEAD OF TALKING TRASH ABOUT SOMEONE’S CHILI RECIPE.

Feel free to have an unexpressed thought. It will fuel respect and empathy, which are in short supply.

JUDGE OR LEARN: YOU CAN'T DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME

You have a choice at flashpoints, moments that feel hot for you. You can judge or learn, but you can’t do both simultaneously. What will it be?

Whenever we judge someone’s parenting, dust vents, book choices, paint colors, or anything else inconsistent with our own, we shut down any learning that might occur. And we have shown ourselves to be petty little bitches with nothing better to do than make fun of other people’s choices when we are NOT THEM and don’t have to live with their choices. Ever. So why do that?

The direction of our intention matters. If you intend to belittle someone, pause to rethink that life choice and motivation. If the intention is to express curiosity and learn, continue in that direction. If the intention is to demonstrate our moral, cultural, class, and personal superiority–is this the legacy we want to leave behind? And do we need to demonstrate that superiority at the expense of others? Tssk. Tssk.

THE POWER OF WOW

In a yoga class years ago, an instructor named Cindy taught me about the power of “wow.” It’s a simple word. When said without sarcasm, it is also a detachment word. It brings us back from the brink of drama every time.

Here’s the example she gave in class: If my dog attacks a squirrel in my yard and leaves the bloody carcass of the squirrel at the bottom of the stairs outside my back door, when I go out and see the squirrel, I can get all worked up about it, be disgusted by it, and hop around in terror about having to do something about it. Or I can look at the poor squirrel and simply say “wow.” Not a sarcastic or judgmental “wow,” but an unadorned “wow” without strings attached that helps me detach from whatever emotions are coming up for me, allowing me to deal with the situation without veering into drama. It provides for mental and emotional settling, and it helps me feel compassion for the squirrel.

I often use a quiet utterance of “wow” to honestly and sincerely suspend the fear- or anger-based narrative in my head. Because needing to exert my superiority about things that don’t matter is fear-based in some way. I use “wow” as a way to settle my nervous system. And I use “wow” to eliminate my need to be right or righteous. And then I scroll on.

You, too, can detach and scroll on. Remember: opinions are ego-based. We can live from a deeper place.

Do feel free to have an unexpressed thought more often. Invite others to do the same.

[straycatboogie]

2023/07/14 English

BGM: 高野寛 - BLUE PERIOD

Today I worked late. This morning I went to the library to borrow Toshiko Watanabe's book about poetry. I was thinking that I would like to borrow Junzaburo Nishiwaki's poem collection, but I saw that there was a book "Poetry Dogs" by Rin Saito on the bookshelf. This title said that it was an interesting one about poetry, so I decided to borrow that. After that, I went to the food court at AEON and tried to find free time to write another sonnet. Suddenly, I thought I would like to write down this poem in a notebook. So I went to the stationary corner to buy a notebook, and decided to write mine in that. Indeed, all I have been writing are just "studies". But I might be able to write a masterpiece. I want to enjoy every day's tiny growth steadily, and also think that now is the "blue period" in my life. In a LINE group, a friend asked me that "How do you find the books to read?". TBH, although I try to reserve the books to read, I often meet the books I want to read by chance. So when I go to the library, I try to think what I will read too seriously. Take it easy. I carry an empty head to there (and also an empty bag).

After that, I read the rest of the Haruki Murakami's "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running". TBH I had treated this book too lightly because I was thinking that this one must be a light essay about jogging/running. But, the more I read, the more I started thinking that this was an important work of him. Yes, it is a diligent memoir, and also the book about his life and philosophy through running itself. Suddenly I thought that Haruki is also an autistic guy, or at least he has a little bit autistic character. Indeed, this might be too rude for him because I am not a doctor. I have never met him so I can't judge that. I am just a idiot reader. But his strict/serious attitude, his strong style tells me that kind of unique character. It leads me to "Everyone can have autistic character" and "Neurotypical people and autistic people are connected on a gradation". Everyone is on a gradation (so we have to consider the problems as ours, not theirs).

But, this is just a speculation. Haruki writes about jogging like this. He always have struggles with the emotion of "I don't want to run anymore" and "I want to stay lazy". But he wins every day against that laziness. He never chooses to walk, just keeps on running. I remember when I was a high school student. At that time, Haruki was already a hero/charisma for me, but I also thought that "Should we train our body/vitality in such a tough way?". I adored to be a holy junkie like Charles Bukowski. I wished that I would got a message from God or Muse, and could write a masterpiece. Now I am thinking if I should try to train myself. How about enjoying walking? Training my body, and living honestly. Of course, the message from heaven wouldn't come to me. It might be an impossible dream. I can't control. But it is an issue of my control to train myself.

This evening, at the break time I rewrote the poem I had written in this morning. My work would work as a "cooling time", so I thought "it is crap" and "I want to make this more rhythmical" by reading it again. I do making it tighter as Haruki does. I drive its screws... Through rewriting it, I can find it becomes greater. Indeed, as I already wrote, all I am writing is just studies. If I keep on writing more and more, they could be the one like my "Howl" (Allen Ginsberg. Of course, they might end as just crap). Can the ones I write be popular? They become money? It is beyond my ability. I choose writing more, and do effort to tighten. It belongs to my will, my effort. I believe so. I quit drinking, try to reading, write my journal and poems following Haruki who works through jogging and writing. I want to go higher little by little like Haruki... Of course, there are many reasons not to write. But I write, even though I can't explain why.

After The Corona Panic

After the corona panic, I start shaving again I cut my face a little even though it has no pain It's a sunny day, and weather report says it won't rain There's no purpose to do, just hanging around is the main

Can you see? We've got an ordinary life like this We've got the right to enjoy! Hey bro and sis The day we can get rid of our masks to kiss I guess now is the chance you shouldn't miss

I can't remember when I bought the first mask How I can describe that? A duty or a task? We didn't decide it by laws, They just did ask...

But those are the past. Follow the Buddhism Everything flows, like waves. It has a rhythm Celebrate the days with cheerful lyricism