#i wrote dream smp fanfiction for like two years

[gigisriley]

hii !! bit of a strange question, but i really want to write my own smiling friends fic but i’ve never really written a fic before,, do you have any tips you don’t mind sharing ??

OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOURE GOING TO WRITE. YOURE GOING TO WRITE SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. YOURE GOING TO WRITE SOMETHING YOURE PROUD OF. YOURE GOING TO WRITE AND WRITE AND WRITE. AND YOURE GOING TO ENJOY IT GODDAMN IT.

DONT GIVE A FUCK. ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. WRITE FOR YOU. WRITE WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. AS LONG AS IT PUTS A SMILE ON YOUR FACE, YOURE DOING A GOOD GODDAMN JOB!!!

AND YOURE NOT GOING TO COMPARE YOURSELF EITHER. YOURE GOING TO FUCK UP. AND THATS SO FUCKING AWESOME. YOURE GOING TO LEARN AND GROW ITS GOING TO BE SCARY BUT IT WILL BE SO FUN.

yelling out of the way, when i have an idea, i just write the scene out in my notes app. the first scene i wrote for creature of habit wasn’t the beginning, it was the scene where they kiss on the car. you can worry about formatting and tying stuff together later—- just write what’s in your brain :)) i have faith in you, and you can do it!! and if you feel comfortable enough, i’d love for you to send it my way!! of course, no pressure :)))

good luck and have fun!!!!!

[give-grian-rights]

btw im still SO FUCKING PISSED about how the dream smp ended it. if you were a summer-fall of 2020 dream smp fan. fucking. watch the last tommyinnit vod because it is BULLSHIT

i am watching fan animatics and shit right now and just. i think if you fucking grabbed ten randos who have wrote atleast one thousand words of fanfiction in their entire life, they could've put together a better ending

you're telling me this entire time Dream was a fucking. PHILOSOPHER? who was doing alllll of this in the name of SCIENCE? because people he DECIDED were disruptive and useless and were gonna kill anyway, fucked off and said "lol leave us alone!! we sell drugs to eachother now", THAT SOME HOW CAME IN THE WAY OF YOUR DEATH EXPERIMENTS?

what about the fucking prison?? what about wanting to collect every beloved item everyone ever loved? you're telling me he went to war with tommyinnit like two or three times because he just found him ANNOYING and we're supposed to ACCEPT THAT?

the entire thing FELT like gaslighting but we KNOW. WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. when c!Dream does that. and we know how cc!Tommy ACTS and breathes and talks when he's being manipulated and pressured by Dream. AND THAT WASNT IT.

The scene before the Event seemed like Tommy GENUIENLY remorseful. shit like "i think in a different life we could've been friends" (i dont think thats an exact quote i was blinded and deafened by fury at that point) IS NOT WHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR ABUSER

Punz being a villain is COOL we KNEW ABOUT IT already for a while and it made for a good plot twist from the other's perspectives. HOWEVER what the fuck compelled his character to CALLING BEING SUICIDAL SELFISH? ? ? WHAT THE FUCK

and tommy JUST ACCEPTED THAT? WHAT THE FUCKKK

i think a ten year old could've characterized all the guys in the finale better. letting a suicidal character, fucking end in self sacrifice, SECONDS after forgiving their abuser. is bullshit. and i dont know WHO to blame. but i just started thinking and i NEEDED to say this.

[catsandgoodbooks]

20 Questions for Writers

Tagged by @bleue-flora (I am sorry it took so long it's been like a month I was procrastinating)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22, because my brain hates to stay focused on one idea at a time and I just have to make everything worse. I've got a lot more half-formed ideas and three-paragraph beginnings of fanfiction too <3

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

124,920 - that's...a lot. And it's only been about a year, so yay!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Dream SMP. I'm lurking in a couple other fandoms (mostly the Locked Tomb and Dragon Age), but I haven't written anything for those yet.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

1. Off the Planned Course

Not that surprising because it's one of the fics I've been writing the longest, is the longest of my actual stories (so not counting Whumptober stuff), and it also has the most people reading it (I blame including the Syndicate for that). It's probably my favorite too, so the validation is really nice (even if I keep getting writer-blocked by it).

2. Unfortunate Circumstances

Also one of the long ones, so it makes sense that it's on this list. Also, literally the second Dream SMP fic idea I ever had, so it's great that it's still going.

3. Easier Said Than Done

This one I kind of feel bad about - I decided to change a few details a while ago and I'm still not done with editing the old stuff so I can start on new chapters, so I really haven't been writing much for it recently (i.e in the past six months). Maybe this will get me to work on it again but I wouldn't hold out hope. It's not abandoned, but it's still basically on hiatus.

4. Shared Scars

I really like this one, but I didn't really expect anyone would read it because it was just a random AU with no basis in canon about two side characters, y'know? It's just really fun to write.

5. Dive Deep Into The Dark

This one is the one that surprised me, because it's just a collection of Whumptober oneshots that I wrote in like an hour each. But, hey, apparently people liked that, so yay?

5. Do you reply to comments? Why or why not?

Whenever I can, because they're taking the time out of their day to read my stuff and going the extra step of leaving a comment, and because I just like talking about my stories and stuff <3

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Okay, this and the next question are kind of difficult because I am allergic to finishing anything, ever, and that means I have to stick to oneshots, but I'd say either everything I've ever written for a Whumptober prompt (because those are all terrible, basically) or Old Habits Die Hard (Old Reliances Die Harder) because it's an angsty canon-compliant (ish) oneshot where nothing is resolved and everything is just terrible. In my longer fics, I don't really plan for tragic endings, because the ending should be happy even if the journey there wasn't, or else the whole things sad and there's not really any point.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Again, only oneshots count for this, so I'd probably say burn the scorecards, balance out the scales, because the ending is hopeful and probably the best possible outcome via rivals duo.

8. Do you get hate on your fic?

Not really, which is great. The most I ever get is a confused comment or someone making assumptions, and that's all fine.

9. Do you write smut?

No, and I don't plan to.

10. Do you write crossovers?

No, but I have some ideas I might write that involve crossovers and I might write them eventually.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, I have not <3

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

No, but I would like to in the future.

14. What‘s your all-time favorite ship?

Drunz, for sure. It's the ship that really got me into the fandom and I've always liked that sort of toxic codependence even though they're terrible for each other.

15. What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

All of them? Well, besides that, I'd probably have to say Off the Planned Course, because, although I really love it, I have no idea how to end that thing or when.

16. What’s your writing strengths?

Absolutely no idea, maybe internal monologues? It's hard to evaluate your own writing.

17. What’s your writing weaknesses?

Dialogue. 100% dialogue. I get in my head about if it sounds natural or if anyone would ever say that or if I'm writing a character right and then it turns about clunky because I'm too busy worrying about it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't have a problem with it, but you should provide translations in that situation so the readers have context and know what's going on.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Dream SMP

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Probably Off the Planned Course, there are some chapters were I was just having the time of my life writing that thing even if they were immediately followed by two months of struggle.

Not tagging anyone because it's been ages and I'm bad at doing anything quickly so yeah. Also, it's my birthday today and time is really fucking weird <3

[fourohfourlifenotfound]

RPF History: DNP vs DNF

I'm someone who has existed at the generational divide in fanfiction communities. I'm old enough to have started on ff.net and young enough to see fic recs for my Fandom on tiktok. Today I'd like to rant about how much RPF has changed in the last decade or so.

For those who don't know, RPF stands for real person fiction. Famously one direction falls into this category. I'm going to be comparing the two rpf fandoms I've existed in: Dan & Phil and Dream SMP.

Dan and Phil's peak on the internet fell into place with the first generation of youtubers. This generation went from nobodies making videos in their bedrooms to celebrities in an age where fame came from money or more traditional media. The difference between YouTube and traditional media was the focus on relatability. These were normal people, just like their audience. And as a result, a lot of boundaries got crossed.

Specifically in the case of Dan and Phil, there was a lot of shipping. Two nonmasculine emo guys living together for many years? Yeah, a lot of people had suspicions about their sexualities and relationship status. This isn't uncommon today: everyone looked at Dream and George in 2020 and thought the exact same thing, despite them living an ocean apart (this is likely a hallmark of the pandemic: the idea of love existing through screens and despite physical barriers).

The difference was that Fandom back then didn't know how to interact with creators. There were no norms for boundaries. This went far above and beyond awkward questions. People zoomed in, took screenshots and did analysis of everything. If one mentioned buying a fan to use on his bedside table while he slept and it was spotted in the background of a visitor's vlog in another room, then people flipped out. And there were things even worse than this deep cut analysis... if you were in this fandom, you might remember the fallout from the vday video. It was the wild west out there, and it hurt a ton of creators.

Dan and Phil also existed on the internet during a revolution in the fanfiction world: people stopped being afraid of legal consequences for writing fanfic. As a result, fandoms got louder and prouder about their fanworks. It became a lot easier to find. Dan and Phil, who have openly mentioned being on tumblr frequently, ran into it easily.

If you watch enough of their content, you can see Dan and Phil struggling to navigate their position as the subjects of one of the biggest rpf ships of the time. I distinctly remember Dan brushing off shippers at some points and then joking in a video about not caring if you wrote smut about him and Phil so long as you got his favorite Pokémon right. As time goes on, you see less vlogs as they learn to keep more of their privacy.

This fan-creator relationship now looks wildly different, from both ends.

You see creators learning from their predacessors to keep more of their privacy early on. Ranboo and Dream and Corpse are prime examples for not revealing their real names or their faces.

You also see fandoms respecting the boundaries of their creators far more. I can google the name of any dsmp member followed by "boundaries" and get a complete up-to-date list of everything that they are comfortable with their fans doing, from shipping to smut to art to names to pronouns. I've seen Ranboo fans being supportive of him keeping his privacy and not pressing for a face reveal after he expressed his discomfort; in fact, I've seen people weirded out at the idea of knowing what part of his face looks like because they're more used the idea of him keeping his privacy.

But despite all of this, I would say that rpf subjects haven't distanced themselves from shipping and fanfic; they've embraced it and gotten closer to their fans.

Heatwaves was historic in that it was the first fanfiction to go truly mainstream. It caused the popularity of its titular song to skyrocket and it got recognized by every content creator in that space. The author was uncomfortable with the ccs finding it initially, and rightfully so given the past boundary crossing of fandoms and reactions from creators. But they did find it, they made an account to read it, and they were okay with it.

Wilbur Soot is the first instance I've seen of a writer with a work that has an established fan base posting original content for that work to a fanfiction website.

And this week, Dream called himself a "toxic shipper" in a tweet. About shipping himself with his friends. This is very new for the world of rpf.

New Fandom: I want you to understand what it used to be like, where we came from. The norm used to be really bad for both creators and fans. I want you to think of this and keep improving upon what's been built.

Old Fandom: I want you to see how far new Fandom has come. They may not understand how to properly tag things or keep content where it's supposed to go, but they've made leaps and bounds in terms of establishing a fandom-creator relationship.

[lnterjection]

Wow, i didn't expect you also wrote an Hermitcraft fanfiction. I have wonder what angst are you pulled up on that series?

Politics Anon.

Well, I've written like 90k words worth of Hermitcraft fics, actually. For one, I'm the author of Maddening Circles, and I'm also part of the NHO (Non-Human Hermits Organization) Discord Server, which people familiar with Hermitcraft fandom fanfic might know.

My Hermitcraft fics are still listed on my account. Feel free to read them. Some even contain more worldbuilding.

I still watch Hermitcraft regularly, and while the series' tone is generally light-hearted and comedic, there's a surprisingly large well of angst to draw from if you take things more literally and seriously. Both the Dream SMP and Hermitcraft have large amounts of events that are very angsty when you take them as serious events of a story, and really funny when you take them as a literal block game. The difference between the two is that the Dream SMP treats itself as a serious story (mostly), and Hermitcraft treats itself as a literal block game. Hence, the difference in tone and "perceived" angst.

For example, let's consider some events in Hermitcraft's history and I'll present them in a more matter-of-fact way, detached from the light hearted attitude they're presented with.

- That time Grian and Scar committed human organ trafficking and dehumanization by breeding a ton of villagers, and then cutting their heads off, in order to submit the heads to win a competition with money as the prize

- That time Cleo made all the hermits fight and kill each other in the same competition while she laughed from a throne made of literal spider heads

- That time everyone started killing each other in general to win a giant pile of diamonds? Actually, they did that a lot of times

- That they made a death game where the goal was literally to survive until you got killed by someone else's trap and the goal was to be the last one standing and they did all sorts of really fucked up mind games on each other

- The like 20 times Cub or Scar or Doc or Mumbo or whoever else has done human experimentation on other Hermits

- That time everyone made a game out of trying to kill Mumbo because he had survived too long

- That time they had a court trial between a company and the people it had fucked over in an attempt to make more money, and during the trial people were bribing other people, taking drugs and drinking, commiting perjury, and trying to kill the witnesses (honestly it would be much easier to name the one or two hermits who hadnt commited a felony during that trial)

- That time Doc made a portal out of two portal blocks and diamonds and a ton of redstone shit I'll never have the fucking brains to understand and apparently its recreatable in a survival world by a survival player and it's so fucking cursed and one of Ren's characters just went in and never came out again and I think Doc encouraged him to go in as a test subject??? It's been years and I still cant wrap my head around the infinity portal

- The many, many times Hermits have lured other hermits (usually Bdubs or Scar) into traps or other dangerous situations to try and kill them

- That time Cub and Scar built a church and forced everyone to convert to their religion and pay taxes to appease them

- That time Cub and Scar created a giant monopoly and started trying to shut down everyone else's businesses

- Intentional sleep deprivation everyone has ganged up to inflict on Bdubs

- The like 3 cults Grian has started or something I cant keep track at this point

- The part where Mumbo declares his conscience is clear, he loves peace and love, and he hasn't kill any living thing, because he's mass producing end crystals to kill said living things instead of using his own hands and weapons

yeah these are just what i can remember off the top of my head but trust me there's plenty of angst to be found in hermitcraft if you think a little

[grimaussiewitch]

Hi, I'm Ze, I hate c!tommy with the passion of a trillion burning suns and I'm an avid fanfiction reader.

a lot of Hermitdsmp stuff has grian coddling tommy and I hate it.

Oh yeah I know what you mean with fanfics having grian coddling Tommy. Trust me, not the biggest fan of it either lol.

(Long post and you can take my opinion with a grain of salt because I am a c!tommy fan, watched season 8 of hc, watched both last life series and up to ep 80 of season 6 of hc)

I know the hermitdsmp fics started happening around the exile arc where angst starting hitting the roof. (I mean, I know there was angst before hand, cough cough Wilbur’s death) Because of it, there was the whole idea with having fanfics of Tommy going to therapy and the idea of hermitcraft, another big smp in the mcyt community, it was a way to mix the two together. However it did lead to a lot of fics where the characteristics of characters were flat just so there was therapy. I’m pretty sure people wrote the whole “c!grian coddling c!Tommy” fics because CC!Tpmmy has shown to be a fan of CC!Grian. Because no one saw the two content creators actually interacting way until late this year, you’re stuck in a whirlpool of possible ideas but people lean towards coddling because of the therapy aspect.

Being a fanfic reader myself, I’ve noticed tropes;

1: the popular avian headcanon for both characters (osmp!tommy, sbi family canon fics) (parrot grian, poultry man, good elytra user)

2: sbi family canon plus grian

3: both seen as gremlins in their respect fandoms

I guess the fan ideas makes it seem like the two would get along. And no one knew what the content creators were like with each other, you have this for most of 2021. I didn’t mind this idea of the dynamic too much, mostly because I’m a c!tommy fan and love crackie fics lol, but I can see where your coming from. Plus, there are other hermits beside grian that fans don’t take advantage of with possible c!tommy dynamics. Heck! Other dsmp characters!

I guess for me I would love to see c!grian push c!tommy off of a cliff because I believe he can and will kill the child. If not, grian destroying the dsmp for whatever reason; chaos, pranks, dream (?). I dunno, I would love to see less of coddling myself and more pushing of cliffs or blowing stuff up. If not, more hermitdsmp that doesn’t follow around grian or Tommy’s character. (An example of maybe c!tubbo interacting with c!Doc or c!zedaph over science) (also I can’t remember who is writing it but there is a fic of ghostbur in hc)

But yeah, less coddling in the fandom, more death. If not, other characters interacting. Sorry for the long post, I have a lot to talk about but never post lol.

Also thank you! My boy is delightful and everyone should know! :D

[cafe-et-des-livres]

Tally Marks, Cards, and Memories

My first ever Dream SMP fanfiction, in which Wilbur struggles with his memories in the afterlife. This doesn't really have direction, but it was fun to write.

Warnings: None

Wilbur looks once again at the wall, dimly lit by the burning flame somewhere in the distance. He isn't sure he would be able to count the tally marks if he wanted to, but he doesn't need to count to know. Each day, he tells himself the number over and over and over. It started at one, went to two, continued to three, and this morning he woke up and told himself one hundred and ten. One hundred and ten months stuck in this dark void, shuffling and sorting the deck of cards that sat on the cold floor. Counting is all he has now. It's the only way he can keep himself from going insane. Nine years since he died, four years since the resurrection had failed, two years since he had talked to Schlatt, and two months since he had talked to Tommy.

The name hasn't left the back of his mind ever since. Tommy. Where did he go? It's not like he could have died – he had already done that. Dream couldn't have taken him back – he was in prison. Or was he? Had Tommy lied about that?

And if so, what else had the child told him that wasn't true?

Wilbur shakes his head, knowing that that is just the worst part of his mind trying to find someone to blame this on. But he knows he can't do that. This is his fault. Nobody else. His.

He can't blame Tommy. Tommy was trying to survive – he had told the story what must have been ten times. But he was never saying it to Wilbur, or Mexican Dream, or even Schlatt. He was always running it over in his head, probably trying to convince himself that he was actually dead. Trying to accept it.

He had been in the prison to tell Dream he was done. Both of them. Tommy was done with Dream, and Dream was done with his tyrannical reign over the SMP. Wilbur was proud of him. He was always like a brother to Wilbur, even though neither would admit it. He was proud that he had finally learned to speak for himself, to take control of his life when he realized it had begun to spiral out of control. Tommy came to get his life back, not to lose it. This is not Tommy's fault.

Wilbur slams his fist against the marked-up wall as he scrunches up his nose. The burning in the back of his throat threatens his stability. He can't cry. He hasn't cried in four months. He can't start that again. He can't be weak anymore.

Wilbur feels the deck of cards under his feet. He hadn't meant to step on them, but it was becoming rather hard to see. He gasps loudly, glad that nobody hears him. Besides Mexican Dream, of course. But he is even further gone than Wilbur at this point. To make sure, Wilbur glances over in the corner of the room. Sure enough, Mexican Dream is there – arms crossed around his knees, which are home to his buried face. Wilbur had long ago given up trying to help him. There is no help in this place, only pain. 

Once again, he thinks of Tommy. He had tried to help Tommy. He had tried to make sure his friend didn't end up like Mexican Dream – sad and broken and sulking against a stone wall for eternity. He had tried to spare him all the pain in the world. He taught Tommy cards. Poker, Slapjack, War, Rummy, and his personal favorite, Solitaire. Nothing worked.

Hesitantly, he bends down. He runs his fingers along the floor, prying the cards off the ground carefully. He cradles them in his hands, moving them into a perfect stack. He has counted them numerous times. 54 total. 13 spades, hearts, diamonds, and clubs. four kings, queens, jacks, and aces. nine court cards for each suite. two jokers. He never uses the jokers when he plays. They confused Tommy. His friend hadn't liked them, so Wilbur neglects to use them as well. He is adaptable like that.

Wilbur doesn't understand why he likes the cards so much. Tommy always asked the questions he hadn't considered.

"Wilbur?” The boy asks from across the room, ogling Wilbur as he once again sorts the cards. Probably in increasing numerical order. He seems to like them ordered like that.

"Yeah, Tommy?” Wilbur asks, moving closer to his friend. He's always willing to listen to him talk, even when they are yelling at each other.

"Wilbur, why do you like those cards so much?” 

It wasn't the question Wilbur was expecting. It wasn't even a question he had ever asked himself. He had never considered it. 

Why did he like the cards? Was it because they gave him some stability in a world that seemed to want nothing more than to take that away? And if so, why the cards? Why not the tally marks on the wall? Why didn't he count the seconds as they ticked by? Why didn't he talk to Mexican Dream? Try to wake Schlatt? Why the cards?

"I'm not sure, Tommy,” the older boy answered honestly. "But I like them a lot. They're good to pass the time. Like old Pirates tunes. Do you know why Pirates sang songs when they were on the sea, Tommy?"

"No, I don't." Usually, Tommy would have rolled his eyes and laughed at his friend's excessive knowledge of the prior world. But not now, not when the only thing his friend was trying to do was comfort him.

"Pirates used to have to do a lot of work on ships. They were old and wooden, back then. When the Pirates did all this work, they found that time went by faster if they were talking. But Pirates didn't much like talking to each other, so they started writing songs. About old legends, and whiskey, and even about each other. Whatever interested them, they wrote a song about."

Wilbur knew he was making some of the facts up. Most of what he was saying was true, but he wanted Tommy to get his message. Even if he wasn't quite sure what message he was trying to convey.

"And the Pirates sang these songs everyday, on the sea, and they found that their time went by faster. It was more fun. They were happier that way."

"But they never left the sea, Wilbur. A Pirate lived on sea. So why did they get tired of it?"

Wilbur knew the boy had gotten his message. Now he needed to send another one. "Sometimes, you think you have something you really want. And you did really want it, before. But once you have it, you realize things were better the way they were before."

Tommy glances at Wilbur, a new look in his eyes. He isn't sad. He looks… angry. But he can't be angry. He can't be.

"Why don't Pirates ever realize their mistakes, Wilbur? Do they ever think about all the people they've killed? All the lives they've ruined?"

Wilbur can't remember a time when Tommy wasn't asking why. He was a curious child like that. Tommy was a good kid. He was good. Good, Wilbur kept repeating to himself. Good.

He glances back at the cards in his hand, no longer in any order. He hadn’t reshuffled since he lost his last game of Solitaire.

The ground is hard under his feet. That’s what he notices as he pushes himself into a standing position, and walks over to Mexican Dream. He sits down next to him, and deals them both seven cards. 

one, one, two, two, three, three…

Wilbur likes counting.

He places the remaining cards in between him and his friend, and turns over the top one. 

“It’s your turn, Mexican Dream,” Wilbur says. Mexican Dream doesn’t move. He never does. Not once has he moved.

Wilbur picks up his cards for him, and finds that he has a six, seven, and eight of diamonds in his hand. 

“Well done, my friend!” Wilbur exclaims as he lays the three cards in front of the other man. He draws the top unturned card and places it in the hand. He places the cards in front of Mexican Dream, and switches to his own hand.

But before he can make his move (he notices that he has two aces already), he finds himself yawning. He sits for a second, staring at his sulking friend. 

“What do you think, Mexican Dream? Is it a new day? It sure feels like one.” 

Wilbur pushes himself up, leaving the unfinished game of Rummy on the floor. 

He walks to the wall plastered in tally marks and finds the last set he made. There were five in the group already.

He decides he will start a new group, right next to the most recent one. With the tip of his finger, he begins another mark. One of many, and soon it will be just another reminder of his eternal bond to nothingness.

Soon enough, he has yet another mark in his wall.

One hundred and eleven.

And tomorrow, there will be one more. But tomorrow is yet to come. 

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 253—Mar. 23, 2021

Okay, so the numbers for my previous consecutive posts were off by a day (like a day ahead) and February 7′s math was way off, but I googled this! so from here on out, we will be accurate! let’s go bois!

BIG UPDATE BOIS! Essentially? I’VE GOTTEN BETTER! Mental health is better, habits are better, outlook on life is better, productivity... isn’t as high as it was when I first started the blog, but it’s doing MUCH better than November and even January.

coping with minecraft:

So, I’m still addicted to the dream smp minecraft fandom. my friend got me a dream hoodie, bucket hat, and a georgenotfound hoodie for my birthday. but! I’m coping better. I’m behind on streams, and am now catching up during Spring Break. For a while, I was pushing back school work to watch and catch up on streams. I promised myself that during free periods I would work since I was catching up on streams at home, and then... yeah. ANYWAY! I’ve gotten a lot better at that recently by noticing that even fanart accounts (accounts dedicated to mcyt-ers) were talking about how they didn’t watch a phasmaphobia stream because they weren’t interested in it, or talking about how they were behind on streams... it really helped me accept the fact that I can be a real fan and not watch every single stream.

cultural convention:

My international school does events with other international schools but because of covid, we can’t travel. I act and made varsity drama (we call it a different name, but yeah!) and we had virtual conferences. I was incredibly friendly and loud and there were tons of zoom calls. Our schools kinda known for being... uh, stuck up? and kinda elitist. Not like I was being fake, but I was making an effort to talk during calls and be active on group chats made. I joke-flirt a lot and focused my attention on one person. A whole thing ensued, but some of the other actors in my school (there were only 11 of us) were joking abut sending me to “horny jail” and one girl kept apologizing for me. During “lounge sessions” I would interject with what I thought were funny comments and she’d say “again, I’d like to apologize for her behavior” and... uh... I cried at school. Cuz I’ve heard way too many times from too many different people about how I’m embarrassing... BUT.

What really helped was the fact that there were late night zoom calls and I was one of only three kids from my school the first night on a call with around 25 people. Other people said I helped give them a really good first impression of our school, especially considering all the things they’d heard previously. The guy I joke-flirted with (I previously dmed him asking if he was okay with it and he said he was) said on a call that I was one of the funniest people he’d met in a while. It was a huge confidence booster in knowing that the efforts I was making were paying off :)

confidence:

Since starting this blog, I’ve been trying to be nicer to myself. I’ve been practicing more positive self speak and have recently realized the difference between the way I speak about and to myself and how some other people do. Being nicer to myself out loud has helped a lot in feeling better and more comfortable.

I wanted to try wearing black masks, but my mom bought the wrong kind. They had patterns and I was really nervous because I didn’t really want to stand out. I used to not care, but... I dunno. Teenagehood and whatnot. We wear uniforms too, so the only differences are in accessories, hair, etc. I’m not sure why, but I was really nervous to wear the new mask patterns to school. But I told myself it was an experiment, to force me to be more confident. I actually forgot I was wearing it until I saw myself. And since I’d posted on my private story saying I was doing this to try and be more comfortable, some of my friends came up to me and told me it was actually cute. Shows that I really had nothing to stress for. Not that it was really self-expression, but for me, and anyone else who needs to hear this, no one cares. Maybe they even wish they had the courage to wear different things as well.

mcyt mantra:

I have a mantra now! adapted from something drunk Wilbur Soot said during Quackity’s livestream, I think. I repeat it when I’m happy and when I’m nervous or scared and I guess... I dunno, I’m like classically conditioning myself? Except not really since I’m doing it out of order. But yeah! get yourself a mantra!!!

character day:

more with confidence! spirit week is just an excuse for kids to not wear their uniforms, but I put a lot of effort into an Ace Ventura outfit I put together. I only saw around two or three other people actually dressed up as characters, but I had so much fun and thought I looked amazing. I was proud that I wasn’t a normie ;]

Also... it’s so humid in this country and the rubber bottoms of my boots actually stuck to the pavement and fell off. I spent the day without the bottoms of my shoes and it was so funny. Even my mom laughed after (she laughed for so long, it was adorable) and she said only I could pull it off and that the friend I walk to school with everyday is lucky to have me as a friend. My mom was telling me about how she never had a friend like me growing up, just so weird and goofy. And it made me happy to think that I can bring so much... zaniness to people’s lives

ao3:

been writing a lot more recently! haven’t been posting on my writing blog since it’s all fanfiction, but it’s helping me write! I update one of my stories every two weeks. When I feel like I’m not doing enough, it’s a nice reminder that I actually can be consistent. I may be getting better... who knows :)

nehs:

been editing lots of papers even though I don’t need to anymore since I made vp of my school’s nehs chapter. but it’s helping me learn too! I’m very instinctual when writing, but obviously when I’m editing I can’t just ask them to change something because “it doesn’t sound right”. So I google explanations and then tell the people who’s papers I’m editing. It helps both them and me!

ipad/drawing:

got a new ipad for my birthday. been messing around with procreate. been doodling in class (only dream team characters so far lol). might be getting better... hopefully I am!

also have a sticky notes app on my ipad and been creating to-do lists! yay!

teaching:

been teaching students in cambodia! last year I had a teaching partner who guided lessons mostly. this year I’m the leading teacher. It’s helping with my fear of leadership and responsibility.

social:

still not the most social, but more active on snapchat now with keeping in contact with some of the cultural convention kids. covids made it harder to keep in contact, and I’ve been trying to reach out more to my closest friend who I’ve not hung out with in a while. not that we don’t see each other at lunch every other day, but I walk to school with, share a class and after school study hall with another friend. so comparably, I’ve spent less time with my closest friend.

recently had a spa day with my small neighborhood gang! my friend painted my other guy friend’s nails! yes! we used face masks as well :)

general update:

- went to the pool the other day and now I’m hecka burnt

- yesterday I wrote letters for honor society points, caught up on math hw, wrote a reflection and plan for a class, reviewed chinese with my mom, met up with my “mentor” for a class

- have been helping a lot of people! am currently a part of two people’s pieces for their theater class and I have a rehearsal later today!

- was doing a lot of work as an officer of thespian honor society—I’m likely going to be on the officer team again next year and, until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t felt like I’d been doing much and was feeling unworthy. but then I was proactive about something and updated our sponser (school’s drama director) on what we as officers decided. felt... prettyyy goooodddd :)

- !!! yesterday I went on a walk and brought money and my student ID, ready to buy bubble tea, but then... I mustered up what little willpower I had and then didn’t buy it. Instead, I bought surprise lilies for my mom (and some groceries she asked me to get)   - been trying to cut out unnecessary sugars and foods. if I’m not hungry, I shouldn’t eat, but also... I listen to my body and if I’m feeling really snacky, I’ll indulge   - recently been craving ice cream, but not the flavors in my fridge so instead I’m just not eating ice cream at all and ate an apple once as a substitute :D

- not sure if I’ve been sleeping more, but it kinda feels like I have been?

- started taking pictures of the world when I think it’s pretty one sunny afternoon when I was laughing lots with a friend... especially right after cul con, I was taking a lot more pictures...

- just been more active (not physically... though occasionally, when bored, I’ll stretch some... but I should try and get more active (I mean... the walk yesterday?))... creatively speaking (ao3, with art), socially online (cul con kids), in person (making plans over spring break!)...

- I just feel like I’ve been putting more effort into life

of course, there are the down bits, like for one project based class where the end product is due in May-ish and it focuses on the “process”... I’m just... not... process-ing. I chose a writing project (why). I’m focusing a lot on my side projects, but not my class writing one :/ as well as that, when assignments pick up, I do too, but when I get down time I feel like I deserve it (which I do!) but I don’t work ahead. I’ve been really busy though. Teaching got cancelled because the school in Cambodia shut down unfortunately due to covid. But before spring break, I was teaching, editing papers, writing my own for lang, doing cul con and then catching up on work I missed because of cul con, studying for tests, attending rehearsals... there’s a lot going on and I need to recognize that I am doing so well, especially compared with a few months prior when I was in a much darker place.

mostly stress has been my plague, but yeah! also in the span of one week, two classes bumped up a grade (or half a grade... we have letters and + system (no -)) so my previously low gpa became slightly less low! It gave me confidence that I can end the semester strong!

procrastination: another plague. I keep delaying setting up college counseling meetings and have delayed this update for a while now... and the project-class...

also have babysitting jobs again so we gon get some monnaayyyyy! (job is not from people we met at the pool, but we did meet people at the pool and their kids liked me so much they asked me mom to get me to babysit them... another boost to confidence! yay :) I’m a likeable person :] )

thanks for sticking around! I’m glad I’m getting this update in because I’m doing... really well :D hope you guys are also doing well or that it gets better!