#i write the gay stories so gay people feel at home in their queerness and their love

[novelconcepts]

1/2 Hi novel, congrats on the running milestone. That's a long, long way to run. I wanted to thank you for writing and sharing that post. I see a lot of my own mental health struggles reflected in what you write. It's very hard for me to describe my depression, or to explain why I feel the way I do. But I guess the point of it is that it doesn't always have a rational explanation. It's rare that I find something that I can relate to so completely, something that makes me go, yes, exactly, that's

2/2 that's exactly it. Your writing does, both your fiction and your nonfiction. It helps me understand myself a little bit more, and I'm very grateful for it. It takes a lot to share the hard stuff publicly. The layer of internet anonymity helps, but there's still a lot of vulnerability. It's nice to know someone else feels many of the same things I do. Even though it doesn't magically make the thoughts go away, it still helps, in other ways. 3/2 Sorry, I still haven't figured out how to format these correctly. I really just wanted to say thank you, and I really appreciate everything you share.

Honestly, this all is...kinda why I do it. I write because I have to; I share because sometimes sharing makes the world feel a little more intimate, a little less terrifying. I share because sometimes, seeing just one other person going through what you're going through reduces the alienation factor. Makes it feel like maybe it won't be so impossible to face, because someone else is facing it and surviving. At least another day. At least one more. There's strength in numbers.

I hope that people can find themselves in the stories I write. I hope that people can build armor out of the painful reflections I put to paper. I'm grateful that you've shared this with me. Thank you, friend.

[im-subtextsexual]

I’m glad so many people picked up on the vibes between Eloise and Cressida. Not a ship I ever considered before, but the tension was palpable. I’ve been a Queer Eloise truther since reading the books. Her portrayal on the show only made it more obvious in my mind. I didn’t think the writers would ever go there, but the set up is just so explicit, now I’m not sure. I don’t think they’d actually make Eloise / Cressida canon, but I do think they’re testing the waters for wlw Eloise. And it makes perfect sense. 

First off, the character is queer (I’ll hold off from labeling her a lesbian outright, because there’s definitely room for other identities like bi, demi, ace…. etc.) Even in the books. I legitimately think Julia Quinn accidentally wrote a sapphic character and then didn’t know what to do with her. So what we got is “To Sir Phillip, With Love”, widely considered to be one of the worst in the series. Believe me, if there’s any story that could stand to deviate from the books, it’s this one. And the story could so easily be adapted to a wlw romance, it would be a wasted opportunity not to do it. Like… the story would be better if they tweaked it to fit a queer canon. AND it could be done in a historically accurate way to shut up the naysayers that “a lesbian storyline wouldn’t fit in this universe.” How? Allow me to explain.

*SPOILERS FOR BRIDGERTON SERIES BOOK 5*

In the book, Eloise strikes up a correspondence with Sir Phillip Crane. Yes, THAT Phillip, the one currently married to Marina from season 1&2. Marina kills herself because she can’t stand to be married to Phillip and deal with their children in the wake of her lover / his brother’s death. His initial interest in Eloise is to find a mother for his children. She is intrigued by his intelligence and decides she doesn't want to be alone, but isn’t necessarily eager to marry or have a family. Due to romance novel shenanigans, she runs away to Phillip's house and is forced to marry him. Even as they grow to kind of love each other, it's far from some grand romance. It’s the very definition of “settling”. The most interesting part is the narrative structure of their story being told through letters in the beginning. We could keep all that, but make it gay. 

*Imagine*

Eloise meets some dapper gentlemen new to the marriage mart. We’ll call him Emmett. Very little is known about Emmett and his family as they keep largely to themselves at their estate in the countryside. The only thing that’s widely known is the family suffered a tragic accident where the man of the house and his oldest daughter died, leaving his son (the other twin) to take on the responsibility of rank and title very early. Emmet is making a rare appearance in London to find a wife (there are rumors of stipulations in his inheritance requiring a match). ALL the debutantes are fawning over him because he’s mysterious and extraordinarily good-looking. One might even say “pretty”… To everyone’s great surprise the season’s most eligible bachelor takes a special interest in Eloise after overhearing her talking about her disdain for the social convention of marriage, and how she would only consider it if it were an in-name-only, marriage of convenience. Emmett strikes up a conversation with Eloise and she is taken by his humor, wit and shockingly deep empathy for the limitations society puts on women. They continue to gravitate to each other through the first few events of the season, but Emmett has to return home suddenly because of a family emergency. Eloise is shocked to find herself disappointed, but they promise to write. Cue the correspondence romance.

Eloise grows more and more smitten with Emmett every letter she receives, but still has the same reservations about marriage especially when she thinks of the intimacy a relationship like that would require. When Emmett hints that he may want more than friendship, Eloise's feelings get the better of her and she goes to visit Emmett unannounced. He is shocked to see her, but let's her stay and she gets to know his mother and two younger sisters. The Bridgertons go looking for Eloise, worried something has happened to her. When she is found to have been staying for days in an unwed man's home without a chaperone, the potential scandal causes Anthony to force Eloise and Emmett to marry. Surprisingly, Emmett actually agrees so Eloise does too (all of this is essentially what happens in the book).

Eloise confesses to Emmett that she's nervous/resistant to physical intimacy, but he assures her they never have to be together that way. In fact, he would prefer the marriage of convenience they always talked about. Eloise is relieved until their kiss at the wedding sparks an attraction she wasn't expecting. They spend the first month or so of their marriage sleeping in separate rooms, enjoying each other's company, and letting the tension build. One night, Eloise's control and curiosity finally snaps and she goes to Emmett's room to initiate a physical relationship. She catches Emmett off guard in his sleeping clothes which makes it VERY clear... Emmett is a woman (cliffhanger of episode 4, and where we deviate from book canon to make it queer).

After the initial shock, Eloise allows her new "husband" to explain. Emmett is really Emma, the daughter believed to have died in a carriage accident with her father so many years ago. It was her twin brother that actually died, but since there were no other male heirs, Emma's family fortune would have gone to a distant uncle who is cruel and abusive. To save them of that fate, Emma's mother conspired with the local coroner to make it look like Emma was the one who died, so "Emmett" could inherit everything. Emma has been living as Emmett ever since, successfully keeping up the deception by keeping a low profile in society. The only reason Emma came to London that year is because her uncle died, and a cousin had come around asking questions hoping to inherit. She thought getting married would help secure her identity as Emmett and the cousin would back off. At first Eloise is outraged. She feels betrayed by Emma's duplicity, and is terrified if any of this ever got out everyone they know would be ruined forever. She agrees to keep the secret to save her family's reputation, but shuns Emma. Eventually, Emma (already aware that she's in love with Eloise) attempts to make amends and Eloise is charmed enough that she relaxes back into the relationship they had before the Big Reveal. The only problem is the attraction is still there, even more so now that Eloise knows the truth. Things come to a head, and they go at it Bridgerton style.

Emma and Eloise live happily in a true marriage for a bit until Cressida and Penelope come for a visit. They both find out about Emma, but are sworn to secrecy. Pen easily swears her loyalty (having already suspected Eloise), but Cressida is sickened. In a rage, she threatens to out them all, and storms back to London. Eloise follows her and begs Cressida to keep the secret, and tries to explain why the "wrong" feelings she has for Emma are very right for her. To Eloise's surprise, Cressida isn't upset about what she's doing with Emma, but who she's doing it with. She didn't know what they're doing was an option; that she was an option. Cressida confesses that if she'd known a life with Eloise was a choice she could make, it's the life she would have chosen. Eloise lets Cressida down easy by explaining they didn't have that choice. Everyone in the ton knows who they are. The only reason her relationship with Emma works is because of the ruse that allows Emma to be Emmett. Cressida takes this in stride, and vows to keep the secret, but her mother overhears and causes the biggest scandal London Society has ever seen.

The Bridgertons and a few friends (like Lady Danbury) are as understanding as possible, but the rest of the ton is rabid. Things escalate to the point where Emma and Eloise have to appear before the Queen. Emma pleads her case about pretending to save her family, and insists that Eloise didn't know until well after they were married so she's innocent. Eloise can't help herself and gets on her soapbox about the way society limits women, and that the Queen should understand their plight. Shockingly, she does. She annuls their "marriage" (because they didn't consummate anything... RIGHT?!) but she agrees to let Emma control her family's estate until one of her sisters produces a male heir. After that, she and Eloise will receive a pension from the Crown so they can live independently (the real Queen Charlotte actually did this for suspected historical sapphic couple The Ladies of Llangollen). Since Emma and Eloise would never be able to find husbands now, they decide that they'll just be two spinsters growing old together in their house in the countryside. You know... just two gal pals. No one believes that shit, but they rarely interact with the ton, so they're largely left alone to live as they please.

Happy ending, close to canon, historically accurate, and super gay. It's not that hard. You're welcome.

[bengiyo]

Knock Knock, Boys! is an Ideal First BL for New Viewers

I often talk on @the-conversation-pod about how I react to BL from the lens of a queer media critic actively trying to recruit queer media viewers to BL. I want those viewers to join us in BL, and so I value shows that have strong character writing and satisfying resolutions for their drama. New viewers don’t always understand or recognize romance or BL tropes right away, and sometimes things go over their heads. In that vein, Knock Knock, Boys! may be one of the most useful shows I’ve encountered in the last year for this exact purpose. 

Rating: 9, Highly Recommended

Runtime: 12 50+ minute episodes

Country: Thailand

Network: WeTV

Availability: WeTV, GagaOOlala

Knock Knock, Boys! places four young men at a transitional point in their lives. Split evenly between first-year college students and working adults, each character is running from something. Peak is running from a marriage to a woman, Thanwa is running from a bad relationship with his ex-boyfriend, Latte is running towards graduation, and Almond is running away from his sheltered existence. Over the course of the show, these two pair off based on their shared age brackets in one of the most sex-positive shows I’ve seen this year, with a common theme about how honesty and commitment to each other gives people the space they need to grow. More than anything, this show values patience and kindness in relationships in a way that I cannot overstate.

As the ice starts to break, they learn that Thanwa and Latte have had active sex lives (Thanwa exclusively with men, and Latte with all sorts of people) and establish a rhythm within their home. Thanwa makes most of their meals, and Almond has to wake Latte up every day because he ignores alarms. The original conceit that connects our quartet beyond their shared housing incident comes from Almond promising to pay the rent for a year for anyone who helps him lose his virginity to his high school crush, Jumper. Hijinks ensue as the boys try to befriend Jumper, and angle for him and Almond to grow closer. As with any story like this, Latte ends up developing feelings for Almond, while Peak and Thanwa grow closer. 

More spoilers ahead, I want to talk about each character, and what I liked so much about each. These boys became one of my favorite friend groups we’ve had in a while. I am a huge fan of age gaps in queer friendships, and this show has much of it.

Thanwa: Played by the talented Seng Wichai, Thanwa is a great answer to the question of “Where do the quiet gays go?” He clearly knows his way around cruising spots, or knows how to use the apps, and yet everything we know about his shows that he’s geared towards domestic life and his hobbies. He dresses like a normie all the time, he loves cooking, and he loves eating. He’s clearly a thoughtful and reliable friend, and it’s that commitment and reliability that eventually gets him a job he actually wants to do. More than anything, he gave far more grace to a closeted man he cared about than I ever expected AND HE WON. Seng remains one of my favorite BL performers because of his ability to play ugly and goofy. He’s so beautiful because he is capable of playing weirdos well. 

Peak: Played by BL veteran Best Vittawin, Peak is running from compulsory heteronormativity. He’s expected to marry the daughter of a family close to theirs, and he is letting this all happen to keep his stern father happy. Peak has been running away from himself ever since his mom died. He saw how much that hurt his dad, and he’s struggled to be a problem-free son for a long time as a result. The weight of expectation on him presses down on Peak so hard that he can’t even focus half the time, and literally zones out as he tries to cope. Best gives a wonderful performance as Peak, especially in the final episodes, as he finally unburdens himself and blossoms as a result. This is my favorite Best character of all time, and Peak is one of my favorite portrayals of what it means to love someone enough for them to leave the closet on their own terms. 

Almond: Played by Nokia Chinnawat, who appeared in Thank God It’s Friday (2019), Almond is such a fun view into what modern gay boys could be like. He’s young and horny, and he wants to get laid! He’s not embarrassed about this, but he is shy. I loved the way the show used his enthusiasm as a way to further its PSA agenda in such a fun way. Almond is also one of the few rich kids we’ve had in these dramas that isn’t inherently insufferable. I like how his wealth mostly comes up as a problem solving tool, and he doesn’t feel too much like a snob after the first few interactions. I also loved his arc of getting over his unrequited crush on Jumper into recognizing his feelings for Latte. Nokia himself shows a real knack for physical comedy and expressiveness that makes me genuinely want to follow his career beyond this show. 

Latte: Played by Jaonine Jiraphat, Latte fills the role of our sexually experienced queer in the group. Confidently pansexual, Latte was so much fun for me because he and Thanwa had no shame about the sex and relationships they’ve had before. I loved how consistently Latte was shown to be emotionally present and sincere in all of his relationships. It could have been so easy to present him as promiscuous or slutty, and instead they present him as beloved. Every one of his former lovers we encountered seemed happy to see him again, and also resolved about the time they’d spent together. More than anything, I deeply appreciated how patient he was with Almond without suddenly becoming a sexless being because his boyfriend was shy or nervous. Jaonine was incredibly charming in this role, and I hope casting directors take notice. 

The Supporting Cast: The supporting characters were perfectly calibrated for their roles in this show. Jumper (Pak Varayu) made total sense as Almond’s crush, and has a great arc of Almond falling out of love with him, and becoming briefly enemies with Almond before reconciling. Lookpeach (Guitar Tunthita) plays the role of the modern faghag in a way that feels like Thai BL doing corrective work on the role of fandom in BL, and I have deep love for this character. Jane (Naya Gorrawiya) is the friend that everyone deserves; I loved the reveal about how personal her understanding and support for Peak has been this whole time. This show even calibrated it’s villain well in Max (Tuss Thotsawat), who showed that there are far worse things than cheating in broken relationships. 

Final Thoughts: I am so excited to show this show to my friend Emily, who’s been watching BL with me since early covid lockdowns. While this show has a few small stumbles that keep it from getting a 10, I don’t want to downplay how refreshing it was to watch a show that had a clear vision of what it wanted to be, and executed it the whole time. I commented during episode 1 that it felt more like a romcom than a BL, and the show said that through Lookpeach in its final episode! It built believable queer friendships in front of us, and understood the emotional core of most of its angst and drama all the way through. This show avoided veering too far into melodrama, and remembered that it was a romantic comedy the entire time. It also managed to be consistently sex-positive without feeling exploitative of its talent, or by letting the audience down on the sex front (I will be thinking about Almond and Latte’s first time and the morning after for a long time). This show also has parents apologizing for the knots they tied their children into. I don’t know a better Thai show airing during this season. This show is a real delight, and one I urge you all to show your friends who might be looking for a gay romcom. 

[maybe-boys-do-love]

Oh, Peaceful Property!!! I was prepared for a campy horror comedy, and we definitely get that (Thailand specializes in serving high camp!), but I wasn't ready for...

1.The show to play such explicit homage with its multilingual script and subtitles to Los Espookys, a fantastic queer horror comedy show (that not enough people watched) about a low-budget team of paranormal special-effects creators, led and written by gay SNL alum Julio Torres. If you haven't seen it and you want some weird tumblr-style humor, I highly recommend a watch.

2. What will probably end up being the only show I enjoy watching about the current global housing crisis and how it impacts people, especially young adults, so differently across class divides (both financial and national)

3. The ghosts to be so gruesome and haunting. Someone jokes about 'ghosts in the daylight' early on, but that burnt hand reaching in the morning light for the fried rice was so chilling and beautiful. For me, the first episode did such a fantastic job balancing the comedy tone and the ghost story tone--challenging and impressive! The sound really helps a lot, but the whole production team seems to know what's needed to put these two elements together. It's all so distinctly Thai.

4. A heartfelt allegory about feelings of emptiness, purposelessness, and suicidality but finding meaning for your life, despite those feelings, through perseverance, kindness, connection, and gratitude.

5. The cast so clearly LIVING for their characters and the tone of the show. And I love each character so deeply already. Each of them are distinct and comedic but are giving an important depth beneath the jokes. And the writing has set up all the characters so well to deliver home the themes.

6. A BL. It's gonna be a BL. It has to be a BL, right??? Home (New's character) showed up in Peach's bed (Tay's character), and has been told he needs to find the meaning of home by his deceased grandfather (whose is painted in his official stately portrait holding a watergun lol). Peach has a mood board for his own "home." We know where their home will be (inside each other's mouths). If it's not a BL that'll be hilarious. But I'm pretty damn sure it's a BL, y'all.

[daezedglownut]

I thought I’d already found all the possible little hints in XI that Sylvando/Sylvia is trans-coded.

There’s the throwaway party chat line at the French private school:

Ah, to travel from place to place collecting mini medals, learning all about the world and blossoming into lovely young ladies! The students of this school are so lucky!

If we find any mini medals on our travels, we should bring them back here right away so that we can blossom into lovely ladies too! Wouldn’t that be wonderful, honey?

There’s the fact that Sylv in Act 2 bends down to pick up items in the exact same way the girls at the academy practice with mini medals, echoing the statue at the gates of ‘La Collectrice’ - “an elegant young lady picking up a gold medal in a distinctly dignified fashion”.

Very demure. Very mindful.

There’s also the name angle to consider. Though it could be argued that if you leave home and don’t want news of where you are getting back to your dad, you’d probably go by a pseudonym or a stage name. So I don’t think that Sylvando/Sylvia not going by Norberto is a very strong piece of evidence at all.

Adding to that, the fact he ran away from home could yet be seen as a gay young man running away because he didn’t feel accepted at home. But it could also be a trans character doing the exact same thing, so I’d say it’s still very plausible. Not to mention Sylvando inadvertently following in his mother’s footsteps during Act 2 with his gang of gay little ducklings, as mentioned by the Ringmaster is actually a really cute detail, however you want to slice it:

I saw her when I was just a child. She was simply the most incredible performer… She led a parade of people out of a kingdom destroyed by monsters, and on to a new home and a brighter future. And she kept them smiling from start to finish! You can’t imagine how inspirational it was for those of us who were lucky enough to wave them on their way.

You remind me of her, you know. The look on her face as she proudly led all those people out of danger, spreading joy and laughter wherever she went…

Then there’s the fact Sylvando/Sylvia goes by female pronouns in the JP version of the game. Again, not concrete evidence based on the fact that “extremely flamboyant gay male characters” in JP media are often (sadly) treated in the exact same way, reducing them to a comic relief sort of “hodgepodge mix of everything queer” Okama stereotype. This doesn’t erase their cisness or their homosexuality. But I can see why from a western viewpoint it might seem like really strong evidence of their transness when it’s something particular to Japan that got lost in translation. The closest comparison I can think to make to “make it make sense” is in the west where gay femme—but entirely cis—males call one another “she” and “her”.

However, I found what could be the most concrete “HEAR ME OUT” evidence completely by accident:

Boxer shorts are a common suit of armor in the Dragon Quest series. They are generally considered a gag piece of equipment notable for their low defensive properties and they can only be worn by male characters.

And wouldn’t you know it, only the Luminary, Erik, Rab, and Hendrik can equip the boxer shorts in XI…

I checked.

Now. I don’t want to say this is canonical or 100% proof by any means. Sylvando could just be a flamboyantly gay man who has too much self respect than to be seen dead in those striped monstrosities. After all, I can’t imagine someone like Jasper would deign to equip them either lol

What I love most about Sylvando/Sylvia is how open to interpretation the character is. I’ve seen so many conflicting theories that are all written beautifully, and all hold merit. (I myself enjoy dabbling with how I interpret the character depending on the needs of the story I’m writing, and whatever tf my gender is doing on any given day…)

And the best thing about Sylvando/Sylvia is the overwhelmingly positive reception to the character from fans. How Sylv could’ve been a cheap throwaway gag without substance, yet arguably became the character who ‘stole the show’ at every turn and got some of the best storylines.

In the end, I didn’t want to save the world for the rest of Erdrea - I just wanted to do it so Sylv could go home and make up for lost time with his adorable, crotchety dad! 🥺💕

[tackletofset]

If I had to choose one word to describe "Dark Heir," it would be 'OTHERWORLDLY.'

[There will be NO SPOILERS in this Review, only vague hints]

“Critiquing the idea of a classic hero and a reclaiming of the queer villain”

These words are written under the blurb of the very ARC. Sadly, most people are still missing the point.

Dark Rise is my true love in the form of a book series. 

As a queer person who grew up sympathizing with villains (who are often queer-coded), this book series undoubtedly serves as a great form of escapism. I feel seen and understood. I found a home here.

Reading Dark Heir was a surreal experience, almost like a sudden storm hitting me all at once. It was like being pulled into a whirlwind. It is everything I could ever wish for!!!

I devoured this book in just TWO DAYS, which is unexpected given my typically SLOW reading pace. It's worth noting that Dark Heir is considerably longer than Dark Rise (with Dark Rise comprising 34 chapters and Dark Heir containing 51). It is also fueled by my eagerness to continue the story after a two-year wait, particularly following that cliffhanger!

Will has always been my favourite character since "Dark Rise," and this sequel only amplifies it. I perceive his struggles with the truth of his identity, as a metaphor for internalized queerphobia. Many queer youth, including myself, have been told that our queerness is evil and abhorrent, leading us to hide and deny our true selves in the pursuit of acceptance from others. Will's yearning for his friends' acceptance, especially from Violet, his best friend.

Many of us would be delighted to see that James has POV chapters in this book! It's great to see his perspective on not only his feelings about Will or Sarcean but also about his family history.

I'm equally excited about introducing the new character, Visander, and I'm thrilled that he can be interpreted as trans. Knowing that CS Pacat identifies as genderqueer/non-binary, I would like to see him writing more trans-coded characters. Visander is a character who fascinates me, as there are times when he can be both lovable and yet totally frustrates me.

Praise Pacat (again), who has been so generous to give us the “Surprise POVs” which made me scream and jump up and down at 2 a.m.

I seriously love the parts where we got to explore more of the Old World. The twists within them are both surprising and, in a way, expected. I've always held the belief that history was written by the victors, and as a result, the truth about the Dark King and the Betrayer was also lost in time. It was also very gratifying to see that the characters that were once hailed as the paragons of virtue were not so saint-like after all.

I hate classic heroes. I despise them and I won't even try to hide it.

Doubtlessly, the Old World chapters are my favourites. And I yearn to have even more of them in Book 3 because I want to know more details about how Sarcean came to power- and his downfall, and the full truth about his relationship with Anharion! I wouldn't mind the book stretching to 60+ chapters to accommodate it.

Pacat has indeed delivered on his promises to infuse this sequel with even more "on-page gay" content, so readers need not fret about the shortage of romance. They are plentiful, to say the least.

Now, returning to my initial point:

!!!Dark Rise is not a story about escaping an abusive male partner!!!

While numerous stories tackle this theme, and it is worth telling, this is not one of them.

This is a story about queer people reclaiming their identities. It speaks to those who have been vilified, demonized, alienated, and even disowned from a young age by the very individuals who should have shielded them—their parents and guardians.

They are continuously taught that their queerness is immoral, abhorrent, and despicable, leading them to believe they must conceal and deny their true selves, often feeling as though they are harbingers of evil and thus destined for condemnation. It sheds light on how queer youths grapple with internalized queerphobia due to an environment that refuses to accept them for who they are.

The accusations hurled at the "villainous figures" within this story mirror the stigma that the bigoted society frequently directs at queer individuals: that we’re lewd, vulgar degenerates, disease-spreaders and a danger to children. 

Dark Rise and Dark Heir underscores our society’s twisted morality that the only available paths for queer individuals are either to deny their queerness or face the gravest consequences. In other words: be converted or unalived.

For those of us who have been demonized and alienated by the people who were supposed to protect us—we are not evil. We do not deserve the abuse directed at us, and it is not our fault. There is nothing wrong with us. We deserve happiness, love, safety, and acceptance.

We should all be unapologetic and unafraid of our true selves, like James.

And oH MY GOD. THAT ENDING!!! You think the prologue was crazy??? You wouldn’t LIVE to see that ending.

I have fantasized about *that* final line before, but I thought it was cheesy and that it might be something more like Prince Gambit's "The King! Damianos! He lives!" but it was not like that at all 🤣🤣🤣

It's my dream cheesy line 💜💜💜

[anticmiscellaney]

I absolutely adore your work! What's your process been like for writing NewOldRare and developing Neil and Louis? Your art and character writing feel so genuine and realistic to me, so I'm really curious how you go about it!

Thank you! I've always been obsessed with character-driven stories and interaction, so I guess this is the result of years of practice and observation, and dismantling stories that do and don't work to see why.

Unfortunately, there isn't a clear way to explain it. It's one of those "you know when you get it right" things, requiring an eye developed over a long time. I will redraw things if I don't feel like I've captured the nuance I wanted to, and a few months later I'll look at it and see where I could have done better. Same with writing. I'm obsessed with pacing and page design, I had a moment of "that's how I think about it too" when Will Eisner described comic panels like music.

The technical approach is I make notes about stories I want to write, then I expand that into outlines, then scripts, then thumbnails, then I draw the comics and colour them and finalise the dialogue. At every stage I'm asking myself if it feels right, if I'm getting across what I want to. That's not to say there aren't surprises and things don't develop organically, but every stage is an attempt to solve as many problems as I can before the next stage. My thumbnails are quite detailed because it makes pencils easier, and I spend a while on them.

I have total aphantasia so I am operating off feeling rather than any mental images. I have no idea how it works and no idea why I pursue this when I'm missing what many visual artists describe as a crucial component. I just do it and I have better things to do (art) than wonder about something I can't change. I don't think it's made me a better or worse artist, though I think it has given me different ways of approaching/developing things. But also, literally everything about you makes your work different to everyone else's work.

You need to care. If your character is into music, listen to that music. If they have an old car that keeps breaking down, read up on common problems for that model. If they work as a film projectionist, watch a training film about using the machine. The characters care about things, have things in their lives that matter, have skills and interests and challenges. If I don't care enough to understand them, why should anyone reading it care, and also why am I writing it if I don't care?

So I do, and in caring I understand them better. This helps me develop characters/story but it also gives me so much more to write/draw. Understanding how things work and how they are done from a physical standpoint makes writing/drawing them easier too. The more you put into your head, the more you can get out later. I'll do way less for a 12 page short than for a 300 page graphic novel, obviously. Pick your battles, a little can go a long way.

They tell artists to collect visual references - solid advice - but you should collect substance too. If you pay attention, you will hear and see things you could never in a million years make up.

I find online socialising difficult, so I go out regularly and talk to people, or just hang around and observe. Chatting with strangers mostly involves listening to them. No one in gay spaces is interested in flirting with me (I'm rather homely and queer men assume I'm straight) but I think an audience is just as appealing sometimes, and maybe even harder to find. You'd be amazed what people will tell you if you're genuinely interested and listening. I once spent forty minutes at a sci-fi con talking to a guy who'd recently gotten into fisting. While I have zero personal desire to partake in that activity (and he had no interest in being fisted by me), I'm engaged, I'm invested, I'm asking questions, spare no detail.

I collect behavior and movement and the ways people interact too. Reading stories on reddit or whatever is one thing, but the words might not be as interesting as the way they're standing, the way their hands move, the way they respond. A guy in a bar once literally humped my leg like a dog because he felt I wasn't paying enough attention to him. I would never think of that as a response to that situation, but he did, and he followed through. Fortunately my friend had just tried to drunkenly sit down and missed the chair, otherwise I would never hear the end of it.

I see the leghumper around sometimes, he's got a boyfriend and avoids making eye contact with me, thank god.

[nerdygaymormon]

My 10 year Tumblr anniversary

June 2024 marks 10 years since I started this blog!

I originally began this blog as a way for me to follow discussions taking place on Tumblr about important topics in the LDS community, like racism or Ordain Women, which couldn't be discussed in mainstream LDS spaces. 

I soon found the LGBTQ+ LDS community which called themselves queerstake. I would message them and make comments on their posts, and they gently encouraged me to write my own blog posts to share my thoughts with others. I resisted, thinking I had nothing of value to add to the conversation and no one would be interested in what I had to say. I finally wrote my first blog post in June 2016 and it was about meeting the Sistas in Zion and sharing that I'm gay and the kindness of their reaction. That post got exactly zero likes or comments, reaffirming my belief that I didn't have anything of interest to share. I didn't write another post until August and it got a few likes and that was enough, I wrote several more posts that month and haven't stopped.

I used to go to blogging sites to find blogs by queer Latter-day Saints. Their stories resonated with me and felt important. Usually they began with someone coming home from their mission, which they hoped would be rewarded by God removing their gayness, and being disappointed or surprised this didn't happen. They expressed a commitment to staying in the church, but as the months went by they more and more wrote about the hurt they experienced, the pain of church policies aimed at them, insensitive encounters with church members and leaders, and anger at things said in General Conference. Typically there would be entries for a few months and then the blog goes silent, no more entries. 

I would think of not just how important these blogs were to me, but in some distant future they would be of interest to historians wanting to better understand what it was like to be a queer Mormon at a time of big changes in society and the LDS Church. 

Most of those blogs were written by folks in their 20's and lasted just a few months to maybe up to 2 years. I thought perhaps writing as someone in their 40's would add to these voices, and for it to matter I needed to be authentic in sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences, showing the good, bad, and ugly. I honestly was surprised and thrilled if I had a post reach 40 or 50 likes, and was unprepared for having a post in 2017 get clicked on more than a half-million times.

Since my viral post a lot of younger queer people started following me. I still wanted to be honest and authentic and vulnerable, but I also wanted my blog to be a queer-positive space, which is why is have many posts with rainbows so visually it's clear this is a blog of a queer person. 

I started getting many messages with questions, often anonymously which meant the only way I could respond was by posting my answer to my blog. I soon felt like I was the Dear Ann Landers of Queerstake and have posted about 2000 responses since 2017, which averages to about 150 such responses per year. 

Because queer people usually don't grow up being taught about queer history and culture, I will occasionally make posts about such things, including about LDS queer history because as a queer Mormon, I can be proud of the LDS pioneer and pioqueer legacies. 

The person who started this blog 10 years ago could never have imagined I would be out to everyone in my life, and once I was out that I would still be a member of the LDS Church and get to meet General Authorities, that I would have my words published in books, be a guest on podcasts, or serve in the leadership of an organization (Affirmation) for queer people. It's been a wild ride.

[quidfree]

accidentally deleted this ask but for the anon asking what my gripes were with iwtv’s finale / this season:

look i love this show. ive never read the books* and i thoroughly enjoyed the one time i watched the movie mostly bc of tom cruise and kirsten dunst acting circles around bradd pitt. the show to me really elevates the material, it has phenomenal writing, the acting is obviously stellar, i think it does a great job at being that dark gothic romance that is both deeply tragic and fucked up and funny etc etc.

a key element of the adaptation is evidently that they have recontexualised the characters in ways that both add depth and nuance to them. when we meet him louis is a black gay man in a deeply racist and homophobic setting who hardens himself to survive and rise above as much as he can. claudia is a young black woman who has always faced societal violence and neglect because of this. armand’s whole arc as an exploited and fetishised child whose trauma has become his identity is also encased in colonial violence. i’m not from the communities they are so i can’t speak for everyone, but i think for the most part the show is pretty good at having these changes enrich the show and acknowledge what an impact this has on dynamics and the characters. s1 explicitly addresses how lestat handwaves away the racism louis experiences as something he can just overcome because he’s a vampire now, how lestat himself plays into racist imbalances of power in his patriarchal relationship in their home esp wrt claudia, how he goes to capture claudia on the train being portrayed to echo a slave-catcher, etc. s2 has the trial obviously set up like a lynching (claudia says so much herself), with lestat’s testimony framing the two black people he abused as the aggressors and himself as the victim, and even when lestat is genuinely apologetic and remorseful it’s because he’s allowed his tears and victimhood while louis and claudia are not. all this to say there is obviously lot of conscious thought that goes into the way the characters’ races feed into the show and the story and it oftentimes is very effective, as well as aware of audience perceptions of the characters and how the irl audience’s own biases might need addressing.

unfortunately for me there are two aspects of s2 that i feel are kind of outliers in this regard, and not in a way that makes sense/feels intentionally uncomfortable to me. 1) is madeline’s backstory, and 2) is the change of having armand actually have been plotting to murder both louis and claudia at the trial, and lestat have been the one to save louis.

1) to me is just really… weird. i feel like i know why they wrote her that way. it makes madeline a ~morally grey character~ by default so she fits in with the rest of the cast, and there is an element to the very real misogynistic vitriol and violence post-ww2 directed at french women even falsely accused of having slept with the invading nazi occupiers that feels very in line with the things the show likes to examine and point to as examples of plain old human barbarism and othering. but the way they present it in the show, unquestioned, not as a dubious survival tactic or a multi-faceted situation but an actual love story that madeline has no remorse for, is very off-putting to me. madeline is not louis and claudia who ignore the atrocities of the war because those are human affairs and they are no longer human but supernatural monsters. madeline is a normal person whose peers- jewish people, queer people (surely her own community), political dissidents of any kind- have been put down like dogs throughout the occupation, sent to prison camps at best and death camps at worst, and she never even has a line of dialogue addressing conflicting feelings about this? no one ever challenges her on it? the people painting nazi symbols on her shop are consistently framed as villainous? it just feels weird to me that claudia’s “weird white lady” has this saccharine romance with her, a black woman, without the show ever exploring any friction in that dynamic given madeline’s apparently uncomplicated nazi romance. madeline being a femme tondue is a great idea, but the execution leaves to be desired imo.

2) … oh boy. i feel like i’m wading into discourse here bc i’ve seen really confrontational takes on this, esp a lot of “responses to” people who didn’t like this change, where this is presented as those people being dumb babies who are blinded by their liking of armand and don’t Understand The Show. im sure there are those of which this is true (and ppl have explained better than me how antiblackness feeds into everyone jumping into ship wars and defense of louis’ abusive partners in general) but also it feels very reductive of some valid questions people have. people can argue the change is consistent with armand’s characterisation, which, sure, even though i feel like it feels a little flimsy / contradictory for armand to finally Choose The Coven and allow for them to execute louis but then go feed him blood and allow him to revenge-kill all of them immediately afterwards, etc. i don’t mind characters being More Evil on the Evil Vampire show.

my bigger question is why this change was made. bc my sense is that the change is less about armand than it is about lestat, and specifically setting the stage for the loustat reconciliation, and i do not love that. it’s one thing to make it so armand wanted to kill louis too, just for the extra drama of daniel’s reveal and scale of his betrayal, another push for louis to leave. it’s another to make it so lestat was the heroic captive who not only was forced to be there by armand as per but also bravely exerted the limits of his strength to save louis from execution and then nobly didn’t tell him about this. these are both monstrous vampires who have abused and betrayed louis in their own ways (armand has already orchestrated claudia’s death and kept louis in a purportedly protective mind prison for decades! that’s betrayal enough! you could even have armand originally want to kill louis too and then change his mind!), so why at this juncture choose to have lestat save louis in a move that was originally armand’s? just from the way the audience (fandom and casual watchers) is reacting it makes me wonder if the showrunners were just oblivious to how much this worsens people’s takes of armand (the brown man) being the “real villain” and lestat (the white man) being the redeemed self-sacrificing figure. i’m sure people will say this is placing too much weight on race blah blah blah but it was so jarring to me and the change in viewer attitudes so immediate that it left a really bad taste in my mouth.

inb4 the inevitable: i actually really liked the loustat reunion in the finale! i don’t hate loustat! i like all of the dynamics between all of the characters, albeit my favourite louis ship is louis x therapy (an obvious inference from my favourite character being daniel lmao). this is not a change that i hate because i’m a bitter lestat hater. i have no issue with armand doing bad things, episode 5 was my favourite episode! i just think this particular choice was weird, and felt kind of thoughtless in the service of speedrunning a lestat hero role in advance of his season.

i have other less tangential complaints but overall i think this is a great season of television. these are just two points that stood out to me as being handled with less grace than i expect of iwtv.

*i just started reading the first book today on the airplane so. we’ll see how that goes. book loustat is so funny compared to the show. book 1 louis hates his ass 😭

[poisindonottouch]

Queer Reads: Cat Sebastian

For day 9, I bring you Cat Sebastian. Cat Sebastian got a post last year, but she’s written two more books (1 novel and 1 novella), so I thought I’d make another post for her this year. 

Let’s start with the novella. Luke and Billy Finally Get A Clue is technically part of the Cabots universe, but it’s a historical baseball novel set in 1953 during the off season. The title characters, Luke & Billy, are at Billy’s family home in the middle of nowhere, and a storm hits, so they’re stuck in the house together for a bit. It’s sweet and domestic and full of the feels. Sebastian is really good at all vibes all the time, and somehow makes it work into a full story. I mean, there is a plot, but it isn’t really the point of the story. 

You Should Be So Lucky is a book that takes place after We Could Be So Good, and I hope there’s a third book with the word “would” in the title coming sometime in the future. YSBSL is about a golden-retriever of a baseball player who’s having a really hard time, and the grumpiest black-cat news reporter who usually writes scathing reviews of theater and books. This book features one of my favorite plot devices, which is an informal book club. Mark (the reporter) starts by lending Eddie The Haunting of Hill House, by Shirley Jackson. Again, this book is all vibes all the time, and it really works. Eddie and Mark are very different people, but they’re both lonely and they come into each other’s lives at the right time for them to become friends, and then, lovers. 

Cat Sebastian books have spice, but like, mild-spice. They’re very gay, and the sex isn’t quite fade to black, but it’s not super explicit like most of my other recommendations. I still recommend all the Cabot books, and the Hither, Page books. 

Remember folks, read queer all year.

[swifty-fox]

hi, sorry to pop in like this. i've followed you for a while and i was intrigued by your mota posting, so when i was on an airplane recently i watched the first three episodes on the free in-flight service, and... first off THANK YOU for that. i have now finished the whole series and fucking loved it??

anyway, second off--i hope this isn't too awkward but i was hoping i could ask a million questions about like...... what your experience is writing fic and how you tag things and approach the historical aspects etc? i've just started poking around at the ao3 tag but i'm getting fic ideas and i'm not sure how to go about the tagging/writing/etc

(either way, i'm excited to dive into your fics because some of these are 👀👀👀)

HELLO I LOE YOU WELCOME TO DEAD GAY PILOTS!!!!!!!

First and foremost, I would recommend following @hogans-heroes who knows all things plane and has written up some good info on how they work. And also pilots in general

@thatsrightice has a TON of good research done about the irl boys as well

And in general check out the tag for all our lovely lovely writes there's so many to name.

For meeee i think the HboWar fandom understands the separation from the real guys and the fictionalized versions we play dolls with. Some people will put disclaimers but not all. Generally you're not going to piss anyone off by exploring them through a queer lense so long as nobody's harassing the real family members (really only find them in the FB groups. @bcolfanfic has had some sweet exchanges with the Egan and Crosby family)

In terms of researching, my kind of separation from the real people is that I only take show canon as fact. Anything not included in the show about the real guys I don't follow. That's what feels respectful of me! But there's so many lovely writers out there who do follow the events of their real lives and such good content for 'canon' fic.

In terms of researching Google is my best friend as well as the historians we have in the fandom. (Hogans-Heroes again is a gem. @reallylilyreally has a great attention to detail and we also have a few current/former service members who family of service members who are good points of reference!)

In terms of other research. the Masters of the Air book is a great go to

Cros actually wrote a book called A Wing and a Prayer which is a great resource and also pretty heartbreaking!

I personally referenced The Evening Crowd at Kirmsers by Ricardo Brown for queer underground culture in the 40's

Coming Out Under Fire is a fucking devastating but really helpful book about gay service members in the 40's and kind of the danger they were in. @bcolfanfic also has some excerpts from that she posted a while back if you don't mind digging.

I've also used ancestry.com to research the guys as well as these websites contains the personnel and mission files as well as photos of the guys!

https://100thbg.com/ you can search both the guys AND the planes!

another great website with a similar search function but they have a few diff documents.

For tagging the main tags are: Mota, Clegan and Hbowar (this one will include the other shows like Band of Brothers, The Pacific, and Generation Kill)

Really it's treated like any other fandom. Everyone understands that we're playing with dolls, not real people. But also RPF is fine kill the cop in your head and join the hockey rpf fandom next >:)

[iambic-stan]

Concertina

Writing this story was very therapeutic for me. I hope someone else, cardiophile or otherwise, can get some comfort and reassurance out of it, too.

"I'm not policing what you think and dream," was the lyric I fixated on, though it was only the first verse of the song.  Every explanation of the song "Concertina" I'd read contradicted my own interpretation.  Wasn't it mostly a song about feeling bold enough to be strange, even if it was frightening?  There was applause in the bar when I finished, and made me feel like the risk of a new track selection had paid off.  Tori clapped with the most vigor, as she usually does.

"Girl, who sang that one?" she asked, noting that it was different from my usual selections like Stevie Nicks and Pat Benetar.  I stared at her drink, something with pineapple and gin if I recalled, with this hypnotic red-orange-yellow ombre effect.  Without taking my eyes off of it, I said, "It was a Tori Amos song.  Not a big hit or anything though.  You share a name," I said, lightly touching her shoulder, "You should sing something of hers one night."

"Not if the DJ has anything Taylor," she laughed.  It was fair.  Tori loved to sing Taylor Swift at karaoke, just like how she loved to talk about Gaylor theories, analyze her lyrics, speculate about what her various IG and Tumblr posts might foretell, and scour Stubhub and every other possible site for the least-bankrupting concert tickets.  I was just along for the ride, though I had a couple of her albums at home myself.

"Ok, do something from Lover," I suggested.  

"I don't know.  What if all they have is "YNTCD?" she whined, abbreviating Taylor's divisive LGBTQ anthem from 2019, one that I happened to enjoy despite any criticism.  

"I know you like it, and maybe I'm being a terrible Swiftie, but isn't she just trying to hijack our trauma and claim it as hers?  *Unless* she is gay but didn't want to say so explicitly in the song.  It's great that she gave so many queer people screen time.  I didn't even know who Billy Porter was until I saw the video.  But then again, why did she make it about resolving her beef with Katy Perry?  That was so random.  Anyway, I'll see what I can do...for you, Elena."  She ran her hand down my arm and then squeezed my hand for a second.  She's drunk, I thought, but I appreciated the affection.  Her hand was soft and it felt right--sensual without the suggestion of something more.  I wouldn't want anything more.  

Well, that wasn't entirely true.  I had come to feel at home with Tori over the past year--my first close friend since college who also happened to be queer.  I had lingered longer when hugging her, and since she knew I was asexual, I didn't think she ever took anything the "wrong" way.  At home I had a bright magenta stethoscope that sat on my nightstand, waiting.  But since I'd never told Tori that 1) I loved heart sounds, 2) loved using stethoscopes, and 3) wanted to use one with her, my stethoscope could have been waiting for Godot.  I had strongly considered putting her (the stethoscope--named Alex for my love of Wizards of Waverly Place) in the living room so that Tori could just happen to notice her while we were watching a movie.  But I played the conversation out in my head and felt mortified with every possible script I wrote.  Still, whenever I pictured her wearing the binaurals and listening to my heart, I felt like skipping through a field of daisies.  It just seemed like I was struggling with level one of a video game while ravenously reading walkthroughs of the battle with the final boss I might never meet.  Not that it was a game to me--my love of heart sounds was and always had been one of the most important things in my life.  It kept me sane and grounded, and most of all, it was how I felt close to someone I cared about.

I felt a bit of envy as I watched her throw her arm around the DJ, whose adorable curly head of hair and petite stature brought to mind Jorgeous from one of my favorite shows--Rupaul's Drag Race.  But I wasn't jealous that Not-Jorgeous was enjoying Tori's affection; I wished I could have that sort of magnetism that drew everyone to me and put them immediately at ease.  Trauma had prevented me from being so gregarious.  I watched as four more karaoke singers ran up to Tori, happy to see a familiar face (she was there every week) and get their expected hug.  No, I didn't necessarily want that much attention, I realized--I only wanted the confidence and grace to be completely open with her.

When I heard the first few sharp, synth-laden notes, I knew exactly what song it was.  Tori was deadly serious in her delivery and everyone in the bar turned to gaze at this tall, striking woman who would almost look imposing if her face weren't so soft and kind.  "Combat, I'm ready for combat," she sang, and I was shocked that the DJ would have this track from Taylor's Lover album that we could agree on.  In a moment of accountability that Taylor-haters never acknowledge, the singer tells us she's been "the archer" and "the prey," and feared her propensity for causing hurt as well as her own crippling wounds might make her difficult to live with.  As Tori deftly crescendoed her way into the bridge (I had been given numerous lectures on her distinctive bridges), I felt like my heart beat louder as well.  Suddenly embarrassed, I turned away and stepped onto the bar's patio, my long wrap skirt catching a doorknob in my haste.  I pulled it out and turned to look at the wisteria still bright near sundown and the brick water feature with the goldfish.  There was a couple in the corner deep in conversation, voices so hushed I couldn't make out a single word. That was my last drink, I thought, staring at the crescent moon and the smattering of stars I could see in spite of light pollution.  I felt too much; why didn't alcohol make me numb like it did everyone else?

"Hey, did you like it?" I heard her say behind me.  I turned and saw the sheepish grin on her face.

"Oh, it was beautiful!" I exclaimed.  "I was just out here getting some air is all."  

"I was thinking about what you said last week."  She came closer and put her arms around me as she said it.  My head landed near her chest, and I could almost hear something if it weren't for her thick jacket.  I let myself fall into her embrace.  "I think it would be exciting, actually.  I want to do it.  I've never done that with anyone before," she continued.

I racked my brain and tried to remember what she could be talking about, slowly recalling that I'd had 3 cocktails and 2 shots last week.  There were a few portions of my last karaoke night that I didn't recall at all.  "Wait, what are you talking about?"

She looked at me, her eyes crinkled a little.  Gently, she pushed my hair out of my face.  "You're such a silly drunk and you don't remember any of it," she said, shaking her head.  "You surprised the hell out of me by talking about having a stethoscope and wanting to listen to my heartbeat.  And that you wanted me to listen to your heartbeat.  And I was speechless because that seemed like such a weird, random thing to say.  But then I thought about it and I'm really curious now.  None of my girlfriends ever wanted to do something like that.  Not that you're my girlfriend, but a friend who happens to be a girl, anyway.  I'm down."

I breathed in sharply.  How could I have said all of that without realizing what I was divulging?  My heart was really pounding then, and as if she read my mind, she placed her hand on my chest.  "Oh!" she squeaked, surprised.  "Am I embarrassing you?  Please don't feel that way!  I guess I should've thought you might've forgotten, like that time you went on for like 10 minutes about whether Drag Race All Stars is rigged like you were the only person in the room and had zero recollection of it the next day."  Without really thinking, I quickly placed my hand over hers, holding it fast to my chest.  Her hand so near my heart felt just right somehow.  I closed my eyes and only opened them when she pulled away to check her phone.

"Our Uber is on its way.  I told them to go to your apartment.  Is that ok?  Mine is a mess and Savannah has her boyfriend over, anyway.  He always brings that cheap, stinky weed.  Plus, we could watch more Babylon 5.  I want to see if the praying mantis thing is a 'legitimate businessman' ha."

The N'Grath reference made me smile.  "That sounds great," I almost slur, grinning like an idiot.

Mollie, my dachshund, is almost wider than she is long, so it's a struggle for her to make it up to the couch to properly greet Tori when she comes over.  This night was no different.  "She doesn't even eat that much," I said for probably the twentieth time.  "It's like she just has the worst possible metabolism, poor babe."  I stroked under her chin.

The DVD was loaded, and with the confidence that only alcohol could summon in me, I'd stealthily transferred Alex from my bedroom to the coffee table in the living room while Tori was in the bathroom.  When she emerged, she smiled all big and plopped back down on the couch.  My voice boomed in my head when I picked up the stethoscope and said, "This is Alex.  She was named for Alex Russo, you know, when I was younger.  Well, not that much younger.  But still.  Yes, I know it was a kids' show," I say shyly, wondering why I can't shut up.

Tori laughed and picked her up, turning the chestpiece around over and over again to switch from diaphragm to bell, hearing that satisfying click each time.  "She doubles as a fidget toy, I see," she said.  "Oh what's that?" I had to follow her gaze because I was staring at her chest (not her breasts--give me some credit) rising and falling and could barely think of anything else.  She picked up a pill bottle from the coffee table, one that I usually put away when someone is over out of an overabundance of caution. But I hadn't realized we were both coming back here tonight.  "Spiro?" she asked.  "I used to take that, like in my 20s when my acne was a lot worse.  What do you take it for?" she asked innocently.

I looked up at her, struck dumb and wordless.  We both stared in silence for a few seconds too long, and that was when it dawned on me.  Elena, she doesn't know, you moron.  You're about to ask her to do something intimate and she doesn't know.  Does it matter?  Maybe, maybe not.  I sighed.  This was not the way I wanted her to find out.  What if she changed her mind, decided I'm not one of her girl friends after all?  What if she declared this some kind of "trick"?  What if she got mad, felt betrayed, and blabbed all over social media?  What if it got out at work?  This wasn't something to play with, I realized, and it made me feel like I was suffocating suddenly, imagining all the worst case scenarios. They flicked through my brain rapidly, like someone pressing the lever on one of those retro viewfinders at lightning speed, taking in all of the little thumbnails in a blur.  I gasped and then deliberately began to breathe in and out very slowly and evenly.  I grabbed the arm of the couch as if I was falling.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry.  You don't have to answer that.  It's none of my business," she insisted apologetically.  I could tell she was uncomfortable.  I had made her uncomfortable.  But it didn't feel like there was any escaping it now.  The mood had changed dramatically, all thanks to my reaction to her question, and as much as I yearned for her to listen to my heart and had pictured it many times in the last few months, it was pounding because I was terrified.  She put Alex down on the couch, where Mollie reached over to lick her eartips, and took my hand.  "What's wrong?" she whispered.

I looked up at her and it felt like someone else's voice when I choked out, "I'm trans."  Her brow furrowed.  When she didn't respond right away, I added, in a whispered rush, "I grew up a boy.  I mean I'm not one.  I never was.  I thought you knew.  That's what the prescription is for."  I exhaled loudly, then realized I'd been staring at the floor and not facing Tori.  She let my hand go, almost in slow-motion, and she looked at my body as though she was seeing it for the first time.  Oh god, I winced.  Please don't look for masculine things.  

"I'm such an idiot," she finally said, almost inaudibly.  I stared in horror as she said,  "Why didn't I know?!?"  

I felt my mouth go dry.  My voice was hoarse.  "It's not like I wanted everyone to know," I said.  "It's not like I want to lose my job."

"Oh, Elena!" she exclaimed.  "You weren't thinking it would make a difference, were you?"  When I didn't respond, she wrapped her arms tightly around me, and tears flooded my vision.  "You're one of my best friends.  You're my only friend who will go with me to karaoke, for one," she laughed.  "You're the only person besides my mom who listened to me carry on about my undying devotion to Amari, even after the third time she fucking cheated.  Not my finest moment, but that woman had a hold on me."  I inadvertently let out a snort, remembering her beautiful but treacherous ex. 

She kept one arm around me and reached again for Alex.  "She's probably got Mollie slobber on her now," I pointed out.

"Ha, I'm not worried about it," Tori said.  I watched her insert the ear tips, thinking she had a 50/50 chance of putting them in correctly, and she managed it.  There was something transformative about her wearing the binaurals, and it dried my tears to see it.  She was only about ten years my senior, but in that moment I felt like the child I was always meant to be--one who was free to play how I wanted, with whatever toys I wanted, and just be who I was without being called names I didn't even understand.  She was the older, wiser one who could really see me.  I was safe.  She unfastened just the top button of my shirt and I looked at her face as I could feel the coolness of the metal circle on my skin.

A minute passed, then another, and they were brief but filled with knowing that she could hear me so well.  "That's so cool," she said softly.  "It was fast at first and now it's slow and steady.  I kind of feel like...I know you in a new way," she smiled and looked at my face before looking back down at the instrument.  I felt so happy I thought I could cry again.  She moved the chestpiece around--left and right and center, then between my breasts.  "It sounds different in different areas," she observed.  "Like, the first sound is louder in some places and the second is louder in others."

"You're listening near a different valve each time," I whispered, thrilled that she heard those nuances that most ordinary people don't seem attuned to.  She nodded, the look on her face one of wonder.  I breathed along with her for another few minutes while she listened, and it felt like the sort of connection I only dreamed of feeling, knowing that most people don't "get" this.  I felt almost reborn, and completely satiated. 

When it was my turn to listen, I tried to push past my reservations and self-doubt.  "Is it ok if I put this under your shirt?" I asked tentatively, pointing while holding the chestpiece.  

"Girl, yes!" she practically sputtered.  "After all the poking around I just did?  It's only fair," she laughed.

Mollie jumped up to grab and lick my hand as I moved to place the stethoscope on Tori's chest, and we both had to stop what we were doing to laugh.  When I slipped it underneath her blouse, the sound was clear and strong.  She watched my eyes as I breathed in several systoles and diastoles and it made her smile.  First, I listened for the semilunar valves--aortic and pulmonic, then, gaining confidence in what could have been an uncomfortable endeavor, moved downward to listen properly at the atrioventricular valves--tricuspid and mitral.  Tori leaned forward so I could easily access these different auscultation points.  I stayed at each one for awhile, trying to commit this sound to memory in case we never did this again.  When I was finished, she said, "Wow, that was kind of a vulnerable feeling but not in a bad way."

"You sounded so, so beautiful," I told her softly, and was pleased when that display of raw emotions didn't elicit a raised eyebrow.  This wasn't a night I'd forget anytime soon.

Thanks so much for reading! If you're able and would like to, click here to donate to the Trans Lifeline, a hotline that provides life-saving assistance to trans people, staffed by trans people.

[eddiediazismyhusband]

Hey, I just wanted to share something I’ve been thinking about for a little while. Side note first- I do agree that 7x4 is the biggest confirmation that Buddie is coming. Besides Buck finally coming out and how incredible that was, me crying for 45 minutes after the episode aired was my emotional incredulity that we were finally getting the first step to Buddie canon. They would not have given us bi Buck otherwise, I believe that with my whole heart.

Anyway, since that episode aired and we got so much more info about them trying to give us bi Buck sooner and it being denied, I wonder if what KR was attempting to do was put distance between Buck and Eddie so Buddie fans wouldn’t feel queer baited. Since she knew (and we didn’t), they were never going there, she didn’t want to continue giving the audience reasons to believe it was a possibility. As we all know, the screen time and friendship between them in 5&6 (especially 6) went down, so that’s just my theory. And once the show changed networks, got the green light for Buddie and Tim wanted to go there- we’re back on track and they’re closer than they’ve ever been. (Please understand this does not excuse her writing or ideas- I’m not here to defend any of that because I can’t.)

Hi anon! I think the biggest indicator to me that KR was against buddie not just to avoid queerbaiting is that she has a tendency to push a very heteronormative narrative in a lot of her work. She also has this strange antipathy towards the found family trope which has always been intrinsically linked to queerness in media, and we can see that with the way she attempted to spark redemption arcs with both the buckleys and ramon. neither of these elements have been developed since (ramon has at least had a few moments but his and eddie’s relationship still remains stagnate, and especially with this arc of ramon and helena taking back chris it still feels out of place for eddie to have that much trust in them to allow it because we have not seen anything onscreen to show the development of their relationship since their initial communication) on top of this, she also is just terrible at keeping a consistent narrative… her storylines are often choppy and all over the place, feeling rushed and underdeveloped, and it makes me shitty tv. All of these factors combined are what turn me off from her as a showrunner/writer, but it definitely does not feel like a coincidence that she was in charge of the show when buddie’s buildup was basically decimated, as well as the moment in 7x10 where buck’s bisexuality was reduced to a daddy kink joke… she is very much the straight woman who writes gay people as these stereotypes that lack substance and depth, and that to me shows a level of disinterest in telling those stories. ofc this is just my opinion, but i wanted to explain my reasoning behind why i feel like her involvement in preventing buddie wasn’t purely bc she was told no, and why i think it came from a place of trying to drive home a heteronormative storyline, which ultimately fell flat bc ryan and oliver care too much about these characters and their relationships to let that happen, and made acting choices accordingly to prevent the total derailment of their relationship.

[gay-disabled-characters-showdown]

LGBTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 2, Wave 2, Poll 9

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave and prior here.

Charlotte ‘Charlie’ Webber / Sun Spider-Marvel

Qualifications:

Charlie is canonically disabled and canonically queer, having EDS and being pansexual. She was originally a spider-sona created by a fan, Dawn Broder, who is agender and disabled.Unlike most disabled characters in superhero media, Charlie stays disabled even after gaining her powers! She uses crutches and a wheelchair, both of which are used alongside her webslinging. Her crutches have webslingers inside them, meaning she uses them to get around even while being sun-spider, and Across The Spider-verse shows her wheelchair being able to help her climb on walls and similar as well. Charlie's story also covers issues faced by disabled people! When an emergency happens at her prom, she's reminded that if she wasn't a spider-person she would be left behind as the others evacuate, which is something that's common irl as well.

Charlotte Webber (Sun-Spider) has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and is an ambulatory wheelchair and crutch user. As shown in the comics she is also queer! She was created by Dayn Broder, a queer disabled comics editor and writer who also has EDS. Sun-Spider’s screentime in Across The Spiderverse was awesome especially the design of her wheelchair. She has web-shooters equipped in her crutches which she uses to fight with. She’s just so fucking cool and hopefully gets more inclusion in comics in the future.

Propaganda:

Charlie is SO important to me as a disabled person because she shows that we can be superheroes while still being disabled, we don't have to have our disabilities taken away to be super. She's also a very fun character! She's funny!

Mostly what I said in the last section, but once again she’s so cool and her wheelchair in ATSV is so sick (when she is not using it it follows her with sort of mecha spider legs).

Heart-Moonlight Chicken

Qualifications:

He's deaf (and I think one of the first ever deaf love interests in a Thai drama) and canonically gay with a boyfriend.

hes canonically deaf and gay

Heart is a gay deaf character in the drama moonlight chicken.

Heart is canonically deaf and canonically has a boyfriend at the end of the series! :)

Canonically queer and deaf

He’s canonically deaf and the love interest of another male character (Li Ming)

Propaganda:

A lot of his storyline is about the struggles of being deaf in Thai society. The show is only 8 episodes and he’s only a supporting character so it can't go super in depth to it but his arc was really well done imo. He lost his hearing due to illness like 3 years before canon (I forget th exact time frame), but his parents shut him away and never learned sign language so his storyline is about being able to come into his own and leave the house and everything. Like his love interest learns sign language for him and researches what to do to help him feel normal and supports him as his parents are forced to confront how they've failed their son with their lack of acceptance of being deaf. Like his whole story is just him finally getting to live his life normally again after being shut off from the world and having a supportive boyfriend. At the end of the show, he goes to a deaf college in America to study engineering.

he became deaf after a disease and since then is isolated in his home for 3 years. these years also coincide with the pandemic. and his parents didnt learn sign, just writing their messages in a paper and sliding it to him without hearing what he has to say. he was also presumably degraded for talking because it wasnt very clear because hes literally deaf. his parents by the end of the show try to talk better to him through sign but good god. he was so lonely

Heart is an amazing character. His story show us the hardships he faces with his family acceptance but also the importance of forming a community. His love story with ming is beautiful and heartwarming.

Heart is sheltered by his parents after losing his hearing due to illness. Throughout the series, however, his parents gain more understanding of him and his abilities and he gains a found family with his boyfriend Li Ming and Li Ming's family and it's all so heartwarming and wholesome. Although his parents see him as unable to live a normal life after he loses his hearing, he disproves this by seeking work, building relationships, and getting into college for engineering. He is the best boy!

When we first meet Heart, he is very sheltered from the outside world by his parents, who have taken pretty much no effort to understand Heart’s needs or wants since he lost his hearing. He is homeschooled and doesn’t seem to have any friends or sense of community. His parents leave him alone all the time, choosing instead to focus on their work. His bedroom is full of notes that his parents have left him. Hung up on the walls are different sign language posters, clueing the audience into the fact that he taught himself sign language. Over the course of the show, Heart develops a friendship and, eventually, relationship with Li Ming, a boy who works at a chicken rice shop. Li Ming sneaks Heart out of the house, where they do all kinds of things together – participating in a lantern festival, attending a community gathering for deaf folks, and learning how to drive a motor scooter, off the top of my head. While learning how to ride the motor scooter, however, Heart has a small accident and his parents find out about him sneaking out. The confrontation scene is one that is definitely best translated on-screen, but I’ll try to describe it the best I can. Basically, Heart, Li Ming, and Heart’s parents all hash it out. Heart’s parents accuse Li Ming of influencing Heart to disobey them, Li Ming explains that Heart wanted – and is capable of – doing the things they did together, Heart’s parents barely even look at him during the entire exchange, Heart finally gets fed up and tells his parents exactly how they make him feel, and Heart’s parents have to ask Li Ming what Heart was saying. After this confrontation, things get a bit better with Heart’s parents, though not perfect. At the end of the show, Heart and Li Ming travel overseas together, where Heart attends university and Li Ming works, a dream they talk about quite a few times over the course of the show.

He’s the first deaf love interest in a Thai drama! And he has the most adorable love story with another guy called Li Ming in the show who learns sign language in order to communicate with him more effectively. While he faces struggle from his parents being extremely overprotective after he lost his hearing a few years ago (also since he’s still a teenager) it ends up resolved with them changing their mindset and allowing him full freedom. His story shows struggle while not being a tragedy, and he ends the show going to study in America with his boyfriend being really happy <3

Anything Else?:

I feel like it isn't very often we see deaf queer characters, especially not ones who find love and a happy ending!

The qualifications and propaganda paragraphs correspond, @burnsuncomet is the second submitter.

[bylertruther]

can i be honest for a second? i think it's weird how quickly and avidly a lot of people in this fandom turn down the idea that will is gnc, even though he... literally is? lol.

will is described in canon as being sweet, sensitive, gentle, highly empathetic, emotional, soft-spoken, and artistic. these traits are not inherently gendered, but instead traditionally stereotyped to be "feminine," especially within the era that this show is set. they're likely the main reason why everyone assumes he's gay to begin with.

in the st pitch he's described as wearing colorful clothes, and in the show joyce tells us that other kids are mean, laugh at him, and make fun of him for them, right before she calls him sensitive and says that lonnie used to call him queer, thus linking this all together and driving the point home to hopper.

we also know that people of all age groups—his peers, teenagers, and even adults—call him all sorts of gay slurs, some of which are aimed at and describing feminine, androgynous, or cross-dressing homosexual men—aka, "fairy."

everyone in hawkins wasn't calling will gay and making his life difficult because he did anything with other boys. they did this because he never fit the societal expectation for how a boy "should" act—especially not at the height of the aids crisis in reagan's midwestern america, might i remind you—which, to them, meant he had to be gay.

it's him not conforming to the "acceptable" or expected gender presentation for boys that damns him. will is visibly gay by their standards. will is gender nonconforming in the context within which he exists, and even now because the aforementioned traits are still stereotyped as being "feminine" and considered aspects of male gender nonconformity. we know better now than to assume a man is gay because he's nice and soft-spoken, but we cannot erase the context of the show, the canon material it presents, or the real homophobia of that era that still exists today.

it's also a big part of will's character, because it further proves that he doesn't have a chance of conforming even if he would ever want to, because he would have to change everything about himself in order to do so. it wouldn't be as simple as changing his clothes or picking up a new hobby. he'd have to harden himself, to become tougher, to not feel as much as he does. and that's just not will. will is sweet, gentle, and sensitive—no matter what consequences it all brings. he can't change and he hasn't ever expressed any interest in doing so. literally not even life-altering trauma was able to take that from him. it's just who will is.

if you erase that HUGE part of his character, literally the second thing we're taught about him in the first fifteen minutes of 1x01, then you're erasing a big part of his lore, characterization, motives, and the representation he provides to those with similar experiences.

like... this isn't offensive characterization / writing. we've seen will on our screen for years now—we know he's not a one-dimensional stereotype, and that he's obviously more than the rumors that circulate about him. accepting what the duffers put forth doesn't diminish anything about him, and this... aversion people have to accepting that makes other gay people who have shared a similar experience as will feel othered in a community where they're supposed to feel welcome in.

this is something that happens to millions of people around the globe. this is an important story and an important character that have both been treated with extreme care by the writers and the actor that plays him. why would you want to erase any of that? what issue do you have with gay people like will? because it says a lot more about you than it does him or the duffers.

[flashfuture]

[Last time on Kyle Rayner's relationship with sexuality] and humanity we saw Kyle Rayner's teenage assistant/friend Terry Berg brutally injured in a gay bashing. He might never wake up. Kyle caught the people who did it. But he's not settled yet. So let's finish this

Green Lantern vol 3 #155 released in 2002

This issue begins with John Stewart arriving after Kyle called him. And then Kyle leaves to go handle something.

What Kyle was doing was begging Wally to go back in time and let him save Terry. Wally said no. Kyle freaks on him about them doing it for no other reason than him being gay. Then Bruce shows up and is all "we all want one day back"

Kyle accuses Bruce of forgetting how to be a person. Because Bruce is comparing what I assume is Jason's death to Kyle about to lose his friend. But the context here isn't the same as Bruce losing a family member because the story here isn't About Terry in a narrative sense but about Kyle's perception of bigotry specifically in regards to sexuality in this case and how he feels about it.

So then Kyle goes into Space to punch rocks and Spectre Hal comes to meet him. And discusses with him what Kyle could have done the things he has done. And Kyle acknowledges how many people he's helped but he's really stuck on Terry's life as his failure. To which Spectre Hal is like bro stop punching rocks and go home good news awaits.

And Kyle is overjoyed about it. He sits down and speaks to Terry who has woken up but his memories are pretty hazy his skull was very damaged. Terry can't actually speak but write. And seeing Terry crying on the bed it just breaks Kyle in half

"I can't help these people now. I don't want to. Earth will have to get by without me."

"I know that there are millions of cultures out in the vastness of the universe that make the brutality we experience or propagate on Earth seem tame. But those cultures aren't my own. Maybe it's shame. Maybe it's anger. I can't tell you for sure."

And so Kyle writes a letter to John Stewart and leaves him a power ring to protect Earth with. Kyle abandons Earth because he couldn't handle the idea of protecting people who would do something like a gay bashing. That's so deeply personal. It is insane they have never elaborated on how Queer of a story this is. Not just in a bringing attention to gay rights but in an exploration of who Kyle is as a person.

When I read this story years ago I said yeah he cares a lot about Terry which is absolutely true Kyle adored that kid. But I compared it a lot to the 90s Hate Crime arc (yes there are two hate crime arcs) where it was about race and in that instance, Kyle could only be an observer as he worked with Connor Hawke who was actually facing racism but it was mainly about the larger context of racism and how rich people exploit it. This version of hate crime is so much more personal to Kyle himself. He decides he literally can't live on Earth where his people are so filled with hatred he just can't