#i wonder if anyone can guess what the theme of this challenge is

[mintjeru]

color wheel challenge ❤️ red shidou hikaru from magic knight: rayearth

open for better quality | no reposts

[freuleinanna]

I'm still confused about Verna.. I thought she was a demon?? Because why would Death be going around making a bunch of deals with people? After Verna told Pym she decided to go "topside" I thought she was some kind of crossroads demon since it implies she came from below (hell)

Oh! I feel you, and I struggled with that a lot too. She does seem a lot like a demon. I'm not saying I'm 100% correct in my thinking either, but here's why I personally think she's Death. Kind of a long post, sorry. I hope I make myself clear, but feel free to follow up!

So, Verna. An anagram for Raven, that much is established. Ravens are wonderful - symmetrical even - creatures. Bringers of death in a wide understanding. Bringers of good luck in many cultures. The duality is amazing. To me, that also leans majorly into the theme of death being a concept of duality: an enemy for some, a friend for others. Each greets her differently. I'm not talking about the characters here, but people in general.

There's a proverb I came across a while ago that reads 'Death is a great leveller'. Meaning, everyone's equal before her. You have no leverage or buffer against death, and it doesn't matter if you're poor or blindly, feverishly, grotesquely rich (like our folks here). Everyone pays the last bill. For everyone, there's a day of reckoning. It's a major theme with the show, at least. Verna also says 'Buy now, pay the bill later' - although it can still read very demonic, I agree.

She's obviously ancient, and I was leaning toward the demon theory based on all of her talking. Yet - she also keeps ranting about Egypt and pyramids and Cleopatras and such. What's the one thing with Egyptians everyone knows of? They honored death. Death may have been a bigger part of their lives than life itself. The Usher Twins' obssession with all things Egyptian, antiquities, jewelry, swords and such, plays a nice parallel here too, because they're just collectors. They have no grain of honor for the real thing, for what these things are tied to. Kind of a nice thought, I guess.

Anyway, back to Verna. She says on multiple occasions how intrigued she is with us, 'adorable little things'. She saw the pyramids, the expeditions, and she wanted to see what else we do, she wanted to see what Roderick and Madeline will do (in her own words). It's all an experiment to her. She makes an offer just to see what we, people, do.

Here's where my beef with a demon theory comes in. No demonic creature I could think of, be it an actual demon, a trickster, or something else, is that sincerely intrigued. Something something death loving life something something.

Demons, in my understanding, are most interested in winning the deal. They come up with incredible challenges, they enjoy torture, emotional or physical, they never let anyone win. Verna has never once expressed this. Quite the opposite. She gives everyone a chance to step back. Even when the ink has dried and everything's decided, each Usher sibling is conditioned to make a choice: push forward, or step back. Neither of them steps back. Neither of them takes a long hard look at themselves (except Tamerlane, both literally haha and figuratively, as she's the only one to have realized how lost she was in her way - just at the end, when it didn't really matter anymore, but still). Verna is kind to those she takes (sincere pet names, regrets of having to do it this way, making sure they know it's not personal, etc). She grieves with them, just before. Grieving - 'The Raven' being about an expression of grief and trauma - ravens as synonyms for death... you get the gist. Oh! Except Freddie - cause Freddie struck a cord. Infuriated her. So he doesn't get an expressed choice. And he would've blown it like coke anyway, so meh.

And then Arthur Pym. Oh, Arthur Pym. I honestly couldn't imagine a demon kneeling and thanking someone who's refused them.

About Arthur Pym, by the way. It's the one story I hadn't reread, and I should have, it turns out! haha Anyway, a few notes about his travels:

In the story, Arthur Pym is expressedly afraid of white color (North Pole, yada yada, white being the absense of colors/life, and the absense of life is death).

Verna enumerates the moments she witnessed of his travels. Someone getting left in Sahara. Someone getting shot in the Arctic. Something bad that was done to an Inuit woman. Why would she follow Arthur so closely? She didn't know him, he wasn't her favorite. I think it's because she came to collect those deaths. If she is death, she would've been exactly there, where people died. She would have also seen Arthur not partaking.

Aaaaaaaand it makes her 'You saw me' line sound better, because he had sure seen death along his travels.

I think the part about a place of out-of-time, out-of-space creatures and hollow Earth was a bit unnecessary, BUT I can try and tie it in this way:

It showed us how Arthur might have coped with what he saw, and he 'saw a lot', even in his 70s it's difficult for him to recall, and it made him think of humanity as a virus, literally;

He might have thought up that ethereal realm simply because he was in an expedition? Exhaustive conditions for both body and spirit? Traumatic experiences? If he saw Death, he might have cloaked it in his mind to cope with it, thus came his stories;

Verna going 'topside' may just mean that she had to go take a look herself, actually be willingly present for the events - to see the brave little humans conquer the earth. 'Topside', as in, 'visible, present, participating'. If Death exists, I doubt it bothers with our boring human realm but lives downunder, among all threads that weave the world.

So that's that on Arthur Pym.

A few other references my mind is too exhausted to tie in nicely:

Death takes Lenore. THE Lenore from 'The Raven' (mostly) and 'Lenore' (secondary). That happened. Also, death talking to a child of life? Regretting having to take her? Not very demonic of dear ol' Verna, in my opinion.

Her mourning veil, her last toasts to the Ushers at the cemetery? Demons don't tend to grieve their players. Demons don't respect and love them enough, and 'what is grief, if not love persevering'?

Death is the last threshold. Before death, we look upon our legacy (major theme with the show), we remember our losses and loves (Annabel Lee!!!!! love the poem, brilliantly done), we get heavy with regrets. We face death as an enemy & fight, like Madeline did. As a friend, like Arthur did. We confess, like Roderick did. All that is too significant to me overall.

And the last thing. It's Edgar Allan Poe. The whole Death tribute is a giant, incredible, thought-through-to-the-bits hommage to his literature where Death, figuratively and literally, takes the throne.

I hope I managed to express myself alright there. Thanks if you read it through, and as I said before, feel free to follow up or elaborate on some ideas. There are oceans to discuss. <3

[definitelynotafurinasimp]

"Difficult to please"

"Focalors with a reader that can switch bodies"

Characters: Focalors x gn!reader

warnings: none

a/n: The obvious things right away: I've never written for Focalors before nor do we have much information about her yet, so I wrote her mostly from my gut feeling after seeing her in the Fountaine trailer.

Anyway, I love Furina as you might have guessed by me changing my theme for her. She's such a little gremlin and her design is so beautiful. I can't wait to see her and how she changes (well, hopefully somewhat to the better at least) in the story.

I’m going to use “Focalors” and “Furina” interchangeably, since I’m 99.99% sure they’re the same person, but hey, if Hoyoverse somehow pulls a huge twist on us and I get it wrong it would also be kinda funny.

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Focalors

To say that you were nothing more than a glorified babysitter for Fountaine’s Archon would have been a massive understatement. Once a young law student aspiring to one day become a judge, it didn’t take you long in your position as lawyer to attract the attention of your archon. Not in the “have a vision and beat up the bad guys” kind of way, however. Instead the weird clients you represented never failed to deliver her a somewhat entertaining spectacle, causing the Chief Justice to “volunteer” you as the Archon’s advisor… a role that, while sounding nice, de facto only had the responsibility of keeping her entertained enough to not sully any more court hearings than necessary with her cries of boredom.

When you found out about your powers to switch bodies, you knew better than to tell anyone other than your closest companions… especially Furina. While she got away with her attitude in her own body, you didn’t even want to fathom how many friends she’d be able to alienate or from how many shops she’d get you banned from if she did the same while running around in yours.

However, all of your hard work of keeping it a secret eventually turned out to be futile, as the Archon would eventually figure it out one way or another. After all, the reason she got so little done was not for a lack of ability, she simply didn’t care about most cases and delegated them to whatever judge crossed her path first, but when you began acting a bit stiff around her, the challenge of figuring the reason out was more than enough to keep her on your case.

If it weren’t for the fact that a small voice in your head worried about where to start a new life after having your entire image destroyed by the one currently occupying your body, you would have found the day in your Archon’s body amazing, you got to attend as many court cases as you wanted without anyone batting as much as an eye, got to have your first experiences as a judge and even didn’t have to pay for any of the most delicious food and drinks Fountaine got to offer. The stares you received from the other officials, probably wondering what could have happened for their notoriously difficult Archon to have such a good day, were a bit much at some times, but it was not like you were complaining.

“I want to change back!”, Focalors demanded the moment she stepped into her office, swinging the door behind her shut with as much force as she could muster and not even wincing in the slightest at how loud it was. Beelining towards the couch as she let herself fall onto it, letting out a groan of annoyance loud enough to make any bird sleeping outside fall out of its nest.

“Can’t handle being asked out all the time?”, you tried to crack a joke, knowing all too well that answering earnestly would only earn you a bored sigh.

“Ha!”, Furina let out a loud laugh before turning her face towards you. “Remind me to make you my court jester the next time we are in need of one”, she stated sarcastically before looking back at the ceiling. For your and Fountaine’s sakes however, you decided to disregard her order and to not to remind her of how she had just fired the last one for “being boring”.

“Aren’t you humans supposed to have interesting lives? What happened to ‘live every day like it's your last one’? Or is doing *this* what you all desire??”, she asked while extending her arms and wildly signaling into the air.

“What did you do all day?”, you asked, trying to sound as casual as possible even though your mind was starting to panic about what you might be greeted with tomorrow. But instead of answering your question, your Archon ignored you and continued to complain about how boring your life was, causing you to start worrying even more.

“I bet you loved this day, watching boring court cases, getting any food you desired for free, being asked for your opinion… eugh”, she let out yet another groan, making you wonder how easy it was for her to read you.

“Furina.”

“Anyway, I want my body back. So give it to me”, she continued to ignore you as she stated her earlier demand once again.

“What did you do while in my body, Furina?”, you asked one last time, grabbing both of her shoulders to force eye contact with her.

“You’ll probably have some explaining to do. I honestly want to see it all play out, it’s going to be the most entertainment I’ve had in months”, she answered off-handedly, causing you to bury your face in your palms as she continued on as if nothing happened.

“I’ll make you a judge as compensation, it’ll be a win-win. You’ll get to do what you always wanted to do and I may get one or two interesting hearings out of it”, Furina stated before pulling your hands away from your face and placing her forehead on yours, prompting the two of you to finally change bodies.

Yet, her offer caused you to feel even more conflicted than you already were. Finally, it was your time to let out a groan.

“That’s Nepotism.”

“I don’t care”, she responded bluntly, forcing you to use all your self control not to fall into the deep pit of hopelessness for your nation currently seeming to open in front of you. “Didn’t you want to become a judge?”

“Yes, but I want to earn it!”

What followed were a couple of seconds of silence before Furina turned around, walked over to a different couch, sat down, let out a long sigh and spoke a sentence so laced with irony that you didn’t know whether to cry or laugh at it.

“Fine. Geez, you’re so difficult to please.”

[likealittleheartbeat]

hello !!

i was wondering, do you know any other characters like aang from other shows/movies/books? or maybe, just his theme of radical kindness appearing in other stories?

i've been missing aang, and it would be nice to find other representations of such a fun and warm personality like his.

ps.: your blog is like, fantastic. truly.

🥰🥰🥰🥰 This is the best ask I’ve ever received!!! Depictions of radical kindness in media is a special interest of mine—not exaggerating. So I’ve done my best to make a list of rec’s, just tv, from most formally similar to ATLA to least, with a short description for each.

1. Fruits Basket (2019)

"My mom told me, it's better to trust people than to doubt them. She said that people aren't born with kind hearts. When we're born, all we have are desires for food and material things. Selfish instincts, I guess. But she said that kindness is something that grows inside of each person's body, but it's up to us to nurture that kindness in our hearts. That's why kindness is different for every person."

An anime orphan whose established memory of the kindness by which her family raised her ends up transforming and liberating a whole clan from an intergenerational curse that enforced an abusive hierarchy all within a show that has a deeply queer subtext, beautifully complex plotting and character development that due to its zen influence refuses to demonize anyone or any perspective wholly, AND a straight romance you can actually root for!? Nothing comes closer to ATLA thematically than this show. While the lead Tohru Honda is the biggest representative of radical kindness, the character of Momiji Sohma with his complex purity, idealism, and gender performance is one of the closest you'll find to Aang in any media.

2. Mob Psycho 100 (2016-2023)

"The truth behind one's charm is kindness. Just be a good person, that's all."

Mob Psycho 100 explores a core tenant of ATLA's critique of imperialism and power: greatness and perfection are overrated. They both ask the question about what to do for the world with one's gifts if that's the case. How can one be both normal and prodigious at the same time? The satirical comedy and style of this anime, which deconstruct a lot of the shonen genre tropes, are pretty distinct from ATLA, but when ATLA arrived on the airwaves, it was a pretty massive break from tradition in Western animation, and for both of these series, that difference of style is tied to the message of the show about the experience and acceptance of difference.

3. Natsume's Book of Friends (2012-present)

"As I encountered kindness, I wanted to be kind myself."

The anime, Natsume's Book of Friends and ATLA both depict the challenge and necessity of facing abandonment, loss, and a deep-seated loneliness with kindness and gratitude despite the persistence of grief. Both take a deeply spiritual view--even a responsibility--of this experience that demands a compassion for all beings including those who intend to do harm. Natsume, an orphan shuffled between houses who is one of the few people who can see spirits called youkai, inherits his maligned grandmother's book of yokai names, becoming a target for them in the process. He hides all of this from everyone in his life, and even five season in, still has trouble admitting to the one person who understands him when he is struggling and needs help. The gentle and light tone papers over a profoundly honest representation of attachment trauma and the wisdom of compassion that develops as a tool to cope with it.

4. Hunter x Hunter (2011-2014)

"You can do whatever you want to hide your feeling. You still have a heart."

If you think that "Radical Kindness" is by definition non-violent, then this show is either not for you or going to change your mind. Gon, the protagonist of HxH, like Momiji mentioned in Fruits Basket, is another rare character whose naivete and optimism are treated with respect. He is allowed to suffer, to be wrong, to be stupid, and to inspire others away from their own cynicism with the persistence of his beliefs nevertheless. But HxH is a show that integrates the most violent aspects of the world (organized crime, capitalistic competition and privileging, state-sanctioned brutality, pure sadism) with its examination of human potential for goodness. And even within a list of shows deeply inspired by spirituality and religions, this show is abundant with religious references as it seeks out meaning, balance, and an ethic for modern experience. On top of that, it ranks with ATLA for the depth and relevance of its magic system to its themes, plus its got gay subtext out the wazoo!

5. Mushishi (2005-2014)

“Make sure to remember, every person and place has a right to exist. It is true for you too, the entire world, as a whole, is your home."

Elegaic, episodic, compassionate, and strange, with some of the best short story-telling of all time, Mushishi is the story of a medicine-man who travels the Japanese countryside helping people deal with the spirits that accompany the little trials and tragedies of life that cling to our minds long after they're passed. The protagonist, Gingko, and the show itself takes the approach of restraint to observe these problems fully and come to a conclusion that's taoist in its balance and acceptance of reality--"Eyes unclouded by hate" as Miyazaki/Gaiman would have it. Each episode is like a therapy session arguing for you to choose to live even as the heaviest burdens sit on your chest.

6. Reservation Dogs (2021-2023)

"See...love doesn't have to be received, it can just be."

We're finally out of the animes, and moving away from the zen and shinto approach into some other options. Reservation Dogs' indigenous humanism was groundbreaking, bringing in distinctly modern American realities (with the kind of true-to-life details only a an on-location shoot could offer) with Native beliefs about ancestry, community, and connection to the land, while rarely feeling preachy. Instead, it's just fucking hilarious and casually heartbreaking. Four friends on the edge of graduating high school on a reservation in Oklahoma try to figure out what to do with their lives after their plans to go to California get abruptly messed up. Radical kindness as a concept often gets focused on accepting the enemy but what about accepting the weird stoner uncle who farts all the time and won't talk about his years in the army. I think that might be a more important goal of radical kindness, in truth, if we are being asked to look and accept reality for what it is, because growing comfortable with disappointment and the mundane let's us live without the relentless striving that drives perfectionism.

7. Skam (2015-2017)

"The second you start looking for hate, you find it. And when you find hate, you start hating."

A Norwegian teen drama that understood internet culture better than any show before or since, four season-long romance plots better than any romance film from that decade, and a masterfully constructed exhortation about leaning into failures of connection to build deeper compassion rather than demonize another person or group. Each season focused on a specific character within a high-school friend group, emphasizing the limited scope of subjective experience, and had them confront the challenges of opening up to others fully. And even when they return into the scenes with new protagonists, their lives weren't sorted perfectly, reflecting how resolving a single romantic plot point would not resolve life. The impact of this low-budget public-television web series (!!!) will be felt for years (it's already been referenced by Netflix juggernauts like Sex Education and Young Royals), but we're not likely to see something that juggles political themes, heartfelt characterization, realistic dialogue, and meta-commentary (it flashed its own hater and fan comments across the screen in the last episode!!) in such a obsession-inducing package anytime soon.

7. Boys Like Boys (2023)

"Because I have always been someone who hates myself, I don't have the courage to face it. Running away is my only option...What if I give myself one more chance to be brave?"

So how can a reality show make it onto a list of radically kind tv series, especially a dating show!? Well, when that reality dating show casts people who radiate warmth, vulnerability, and respect and seem to have the kind of chemistry that most scripted shows can't even manage, it's a good start. But then, when they elevate that cast with a format that addresses the cruelty of dating, elimination formats, and broader societal exclusion (an important consideration for a gay dating show), it offers a new model for future shows. Boys Like Boys did this when mid-season (spoiler alert) they had contestants vote out a contestant, only to provide the contestants with a vote in which they could retain a contestant who they didn't want to leave. In fact, many of the contestants asked if they could abstain from making a vote that would eliminate a constestant and were allowed to. The final result left one contestant, Jia-Hang, up for elimination--he had voted for himself to be eliminated, and many contestants, recognizing his reticence to continue on the program, didn't want to force him against his will to stay. Then, looking around at nearly the whole cast sobbing, even apologizing to him for not providing him enough support, Jia-Hang chooses to stay on. This is just one of many heart-warming authentic moments in the show that illustrate the vital influence of kindness to impact the trajectory of our hearts.

8. Joe Pera Talks With You (2018-2021)

"I can help you reach things. I can tend the garden. The different hours we keep are a good thing. And when they overlap, I can offer companionship and entertainment."

So much has been written about this show's groundbreaking kind approach, I'm going to quote instead: "It can be difficult to convey how a TV show airing on Cartoon Network’s provocative nighttime programming block Adult Swim can evoke almost nostalgic feelings of kind-heartedness. The premise of Joe Pera Talks With You is so simple as to almost be beside the point: Comedian Joe Pera plays a lightly fictionalized version of himself as a sweet Michigander, a middle-school chorus teacher with small and specific passions. Joe likes breakfast food, obscure trivia, beans, trips to the grocery store, and his grandma. He greets every day with a contented smile, stands beneath a pale blue sky, packs a balanced lunch that contains no surprises. (A turkey sandwich with cheese and a tomato, a banana, some trail mix, and as a treat, some cookies.) Joe, more than anything, is satisfied. His greatest joy is sharing these small pleasures with you, the viewer who exists on the other side of the fourth wall he has cleanly dismantled, often speaking quietly to the camera like he’s sharing a secret, just between you two. That he’s talking “with” and not “to” you is a crucial distinction in the show’s title: Joe never lectures nor rhapsodizes. Instead, he waxes poetic about what he loves and who he cares for and how he leads his life, telling his stories from a vulnerable position of welcoming you into his daily existence.” --“A Great Comedy About Being Good,” Allegra Frank for Vox

9. Anne with an E (2017-2019)

"Her life was not short on challenges, and still she held no grudges, believing instead that grace is perennial like the green, green grass."

While maligned for not being the 1980s version, this Netflix adaptation of Anne of Green Gables takes what many have read as an autistic subtext and made it text, giving Anne a performative quality that pushes a lot of the audience into the same irritation that the characters of Avonlea feel for Anne at first, and, thus, requires its audience to persevere toward the same kindness that Anne inspires in her adoptive mother figure, Marilla, among others, which is much more rewarding than simply identifying with Anne right away. In so doing, it enhances the development of its broader approach to acceptance--an approach in its insistence on the requirement of a community of kindredness (see Sebastian's excitement at finding out about the black community in "The Bog") that is much more rigorous than many other shows will cop to. Expanding far beyond literal adaptation into queer, black, and indigenous characters, without disguising history or disparaging the thematic seed of grace at the heart of the novels, Anne with an E imagines what it meant and what it might still mean to build real joyful community with others through kindness.

10. Little Bear (1995-2003)

"Interesting."

A childhood favorite that disguised in its simplicity a wide-openness to the world and an acceptance of different natures. While most child shows emphasize kindness, few do so with as much patience, wonder, and generosity extended to its viewers. Little Bear is a curious kid who goes on adventures in the woods around his house that can turn into games or small imagined experiences. He is sometimes with his friends Cat, Duck, Hen, Owl, and Emily, whose personalities, along with Little Bear's, bring about small tensions in their games that ultimately resolve, if not independently, then with the help of Mother Bear or Father Bear, who give each other knowing glances about the expected childhood behaviors. This is the first show that initially taught me to observe things while withholding my judgment, that first step of radical kindness.

12. The Andy Griffith Show (1960-1968)

"The key to happiness is finding joy in the simple things."

One really old and somewhat controversial throwback for my last entry. If you have concerns about a sheriff character representing radical kindness, I would encourage you to start with the third episode of season 3 where Andy, the sheriff in question, has to explain to the new mayor why he doesn't carry a gun and lets prisoners go to gather their crops. There have been some fantastic pieces written about the complexities of this show's bucolic fantasy and Southerners (of all races) attachment to it, but they all acknowledge a type of humanistic and deceptively simple virtue found in Mayberry that audiences long to witness, if not emulate themselves. It's a morality that resists the "hyperactive zealotry" and bureaucracy that the show satirizes through Barney Fife (along with guest characters like the new mayor) and instead emphasizes the understanding that one can have for each individual and the trickstery middle paths that one can find to address conflict.

[jujumin-translates]

★ ACT4! SSR Backstage Prologue - BE.MINE ~Prologue~

Izumi: I wonder what kind of business Kasumi-san called us in for.

Sakyo: Well, it’s probably some kind of magazine project, right?

Izumi: (Kasumi-san told us we’d get more details about it when we meet…)

Kasumi: Sorry to keep the two of you waiting. Thanks for coming all the way out here.

Izumi: Hello.

Sakyo: Thanks for having us.

Kasumi: Let’s get started right away. Have you two heard of this magazine?

Izumi: This is… “BE.MINE”. Of course I’ve heard of it, it’s a really famous and popular fashion magazine!

Sakyo: So famous that even I recognize it.

Kasumi: That’s great!

Kasumi: So, here’s the deal, “BE.MINE” has asked MANKAI Company to do a feature in the upcoming issue.

Izumi: Huh? Really!?

Kasumi: I’ve been friends with the editor-in-chief of “BE.MINE” for quite some time now.

Kasumi: And apparently, they had read a feature article in “Spotlight” about MANKAI Company.

Kasumi: Since then, they’ve been wanting you guys to do a feature in “BE.MINE” someday.

Sakyo: That’s great to hear.

Kasumi: The theme of the feature is pretty straightforward! It’s “Boyfriend Material”!

Izumi: Boyfriend material…?

Sakyo: …The hell is that?

Kasumi: I could see Sakyo-kun not knowing, but do you not know what it is either, Director?

Izumi: U-Umm… I might’ve heard of it before… or maybe not.

Kasumi: Simply put, it’s doing a photoshoot of boyfriend-like situations!

Izumi: Oh, I get it! Like the word “boyfriend” in English…!

Kasumi: You’ve done photoshoots for lots of magazines, like “Spotlight” and “VELUDO”, but…

Kasumi: You’ve never done a theme like this before, right?

Sakyo: That’s true, we’ve never done anything like this before…

Izumi: This feels like something that’s only possible in a magazine aimed at women!

Kasumi: Guess that means it’d be a new challenge for you then.

Kasumi: In my opinion, taking on a wide range of challenges can broaden your perspective on theater in ways you’d never expect it to.

Sakyo: Well, that’s true… That ain’t a bad point, Kasumi-san.

Izumi: I agree. I think it’d be a good idea too.

Kasumi: Great! I’ll contact the editor-in-chief then.

Izumi: We’re in your hands!

Kasumi: I’ve always wanted to see Sakuya-kun’s type of boyfriend material, so I’m really looking forward to this.

Sakyo: So that’s what this is really all about, huh?

Kasumi: Hey, this is the kind of thing an oshi of anyone would want to see the most! Ah, but, but of course I want to see the whole company too, okay!?

Kasumi: Like yours, for example, Sakyo-kun…!

Sakyo: Well, I suppose that’s okay then.

Izumi: Ahaha…

[nayialovecat]

The Ink Demonth 2023 - Day 6. Machine

Day 6. Machine Crossover: Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? (and later series) "Scooby-Dooby-Doo, where are you? We got some work to do now. Scooby-Dooby-Doo, where are you? We need some help from you now." I cannot wait for the scene when they take Sammy's mask off :3 I'd watch an episode like that. Btw. in case anyone is wondering, Shaggy checks whether bacon soups are 20 or 50 years after expired, because it depends on whether he decides to heat them before eating or not :D

Am I a fan of Scooby-Doo? Well... yes and no. As a little kid, I loved the show, I even had VHS tapes of the episodes... But then my lil brother got hooked on it and watched it so obsessively that I hated the whole show (especially since his favourite was that damn Scrapy-Doo, so he was tormenting me episodes with him, and Scooby-Doom, the other son of the b*ch, which I hate). However, I still enjoyed the full-length movies, and to this day I still enjoy watching some of them (for example: "Scooby-Doo! and the Reluctant Werewolf" or "Scooby-Doo! in Where's My Mummy?..." by the way, the former was made in the year of my birth, so he's older than me, yay!) But then came the era of weird Scooby-Doo series that delighted me again and stole my heart, like "Shaggy & Scooby-Doo Get a Clue!", "Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated" or crazy one  "Be Cool, Scooby-Doo!" (I love self-ironical, self-parodying shows). So... yeah, I guess I'm a Scooby Doo fan now. What's more, I will now say something that will probably make some people hate me: I like the "scandalous" show "Velma". Uuuu! Everyone will stop following me now, what a drama.

I have to admit that I had fun - although it was probably one of the most difficult Ink Demonths so far (counting the future ones I've already drawn). Scooby-Doo is damn hard to draw, because he has very caricatured features while having quite a dog's build, and when broken down into simple shapes, he's... just plain ugly to draw. Shaggy was a bit of a challenge, but it was a real pleasure to draw Velma. By the way, these two are my favourite characters - and I ship them in their youth (in their mature life, I prefer Shaggy with that cool alien from one of the movies). I used, of course, the background from BATIM - and choosing the right one and then framing it the best took me a lot of time and frustration too. I originally wanted a setting from the first chapter, but nothing looked right with the characters on it. I finally made it to the second chapter - and I think it turned out really nice. However, I am extremely proud of how cans turned out, the expiration date of which is checked by Shaggy.

If anyone doesn't understand why this entry is for "machine" theme, let me remind you that the Gang drove a cool, colourful van called... that's right! The Mystery Machine! If you didn't know that, you can't consider yourself a Scooby-Doo fan :D

Bendy and the Ink Machine (c) Joey Drew Studios Inc. Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? (c) Hanna-Barbera Sammy and the Ink Machine (c) Nayia Lovecat

[izumi-fanclub]

A3! Chikage Mini Talks Translation “Ah, My Dearly Beloved”

Learning Heia period trivia with Chikage and a challenge with Sakyo

Mini Talk 1

Chikage

In the Heian period, people usually only gave their real names to those who were close to them. You’d rarely even get a glimpse of someone’s face.*

Even the main character in “The Tale of Genji”, Hikaru Genji, uses a common name. 

They’d communicate with letters and waka poems, and when they visit each other’s homes to talk face-to-face it’d be through formal speech. You’d have to use your imagination and guess what kind of person who you’re talking to is.

If you ask me, that’s pretty useful in a lot of ways I think.

How come?

…I wonder, who knows.

Mini Talk 2

Chikage

I’m thinking of making an Autumn-themed curry palette.

It’d be nice to add some mushrooms or other autumnal ingredients, maybe even add grapes or chestnuts as a secret ingredient.

It should still be sufficiently spicy, of course. I wonder which spices I should use.

I’ll consult with the Spicy Cuisine Research Society too. Citron comes up with some surprisingly interesting ideas.

The taste of autumn and spices will come together beautifully. I’ll make a mean curry for you, so you can count on me, Director-san.

Mini Talk 3

Chikage

I’m not exactly big on romance novels, when it comes to stories from the Heian period however… ethically, I find it questionable; personally, I find it intriguing.

The very customs of love and marriage were determined and influenced by one’s values and background back then. It was pretty interesting for me to learn about it.

Like how someone would marry for the sake of the family, and they’d grow richer in doing so.

…I figured those kinds of values suit me. It’d still be a pain in the ass, though.

Well… someone that loves spices like I do, good-natured, a bit of a mess and worth protecting——.

If there was a noblewoman like a certain someone like that somewhere, I might be willing to be by her side.

…Kidding.

Chikage & Sakyo talk

Chikage

Ah, Sakyo-san, just who I was looking for.

Sakyo

…What do you want?

Chikage

I was planning on doing Hyakunin Isshu* for role-building, now I’m looking for someone to compete with me.

Could I ask you to be my rival?

Sakyo

It could’ve been anyone else, doesn’t have to be me.

Chikage

Oh don’t say that just yet, I didn’t say it’ll be for free. …Hear me out first.

*Chikage whispers something to Sakyo* 

…

Sakyo

!

…Stay true to your word.

Chikage

Of course. I’ll even wrap it up in a plastic bag and hand it to you myself.

Sakyo

…Alright. I’ll bite.

Chikage

Pleasure doing business with you.

Sakyo

This is for role-building, you better not cut any corners.

Chikage

Go easy on me.

———— T/Ns: ————

 What Chikage is talking about here is the tradition of women covering their heads or faces when faced with strangers during the Heian era; this is due to the patriarchy setting societal rules for women, this practice eventually dissolved as time and society progressed.

You can read more about it here. Another article with sources.

 I’m guessing Chikage is talking about Hyakunin Isshu karuta competitions. Hyakunin Isshu refers to 100 specially selected waka poems from the Nara period to the Kamakura period. In a nutshell, karuta competitions involve reciting certain poem cards, and when they get to a certain point, you swat away the card. Whoever gets to it first wins, it’s a game of agility and discipline.

[innocentimouto]

Snk ending was beyond awful, but are you satisfied with how Levi's story was concluded?

Ooh boy

No way.

Levi saluting his comrades and being the one to care for their sacrifices was so important, especially to those who think he doesn't care about anyone. His story about being the strongest and thus being cursed to watch everyone die except him followed him to the very end. There's much to explore about his self loathing, his upbringing that imprinted in him to believe he was only useful in strength----something that was always reinforced throughout his life---and to lose that strength, and lose purpose for that strength, when that was the only way of life he knew, and anyone who he could have tried to live a normal life with was dead----Levi fulfilling his promise to eradicate titans, his role as a hero and humanity's strongest actually ringing true---

Except it only makes sense if we ignore all the themes and plot points and just focus on trying to aesthetically end each character's story while ignoring the amazing writing that was there.

Why did no one else care about all the other scouts? Many died saving them. These characters only made it this far because the scouts gave their lives. But they only care about Sasha? What about Marco? You find out how he died but you can't see his spirit reaching peace? Wonder why...

Focusing more on Levi (I've delayed this so much because I keep drifting off into ranting about everything wrong with the ending), how could that be a satisfying ending for all of those deaths?

The scouts wanted to rid the titans from the world to SAVE THEIR HOME. To have a chance for the future generations. They died for nothing with that ending. How hilarious that at the end of it all it's Paradis that's stuck with a horrible history they need to atone for and not Marley who could have just left them.

Moreover, majority of the world was wiped out as well. How could they be happy?

Now the anime has never been that happy and has always been darker so the ending could still have been dark. Sometimes people die for nothing. But the way the fandom perceives this ending as "perfect" as in everyone would be content is just no.

They tried to have such a happy ending too! What was the point? Why not have kept it sad if you wanted to wipe out 80% of the world? What we got was Paradis turning completely evil and being a threat to the world.

Oh yeah the scouts died for nothing a hundred times over. Why was it necessary to make Paradis end like that? Why do animes always have genocides and then sneakily give reasons or try to give reasons that justify it?

Paradisians really were monsters. Now they want to wipe out the world. You could have kept Eren wiping out 80% (still doesn't make sense) but made Paradis good.

Of course that would remove the "both sides have done bad so there's no real villain here to punish war is war I guess" that is always used to justify removing consequences from oppressors. Both sides have evil and both sides can do wrong, but this anime went out of its way to make both sides do bad things even when it wasn't necessary.

If Paradis regretted or wasn't on Eren's side, and obviously after the Rumbling the whole world would fear them, we would see the racism and abuse against Paradis. And for some reason Isayama thought it was a mature theme to not paint anyone as a victim.

Anyway no way would Levi be content with it. He does have some sort of inner dialogue about it. But it contradicts his words to Eren in the manga about the world outside being hell. It also seems very unrealistic that he would think an ideal world would exist, especially since he probably had a rude awakening once getting out of the Underground.

Also it was hinted at for the longest time that Reiner and Bertholdt were sent from outside. So they have an enemy outside who's capable of taking down their walls. Obviously the world outside would have challenges.

Also it was Levi's job to take down Eren if anything went wrong. So many people seem to forget this. He also delayed in killing Zeke multiple times! Yes, for good reasons (I'm looking at you---people who say he was so obsessed with revenge yet would never kill Zeke for the sake of giving his side a better chance at surviving!), but that took Levi out of the game for a while, whereas if Zeke had been killed the Rumbling wouldn't have started.

How can Levi be content when his body count is much higher than Kenny? (so many thoughts on him too and how the fandom casually calls him a serial killer)

The problems go way back for me, though. The ending is just a product of all the writing issues until this point.

Levi's ending is decent what with all these issues, but I can't stand the ending in general. None of the emotional beats touched me at all. I was left upset and in shock of just how bad it was watching it.

[takitakidancetillthesunriseyea]

Madness and Emotion - A Halateez Coded Song Analysis.

It’s been rolling through my head for a while that Crazy Form could be Halateez. That perhaps Will (or at least the first half of it) is from their perspective. It would be in line with the color schemes and the general dark theme of the of the album. That and some of the concept photos seem to really lean that way.

Like, look at these concept photos & tell me they’re not Halateez coded

It really got me thinking though, if Will is Halateez then a lot of the lyrics we’re used to seeing in other songs would mean different things. There are a lot of lyrics and themes we can easily connect to Feverteez and their story arc, but not nearly as many we can connect to Halateez. It’s been years since we’ve been introduced to the concept of Halateez, and yet we still don’t know much about them other than they’re from Strictland and we’re leading a revolution until they were captured.

I know many people debate if Halateez and Feverteez are the same people or different people. Generally I think of them as different people, because even if they were the same originally their different life experiences would’ve made them different on the inside. (Although I admit, this album made me wonder if perhaps the theories ab them merging/being the same person at some point, are true.)

I’m not necessarily saying that every song on the album is Halateez, because we can’t know that one way or the other for sure. (You have no idea how long I’ve been tearing my hair out over this.) But what I can tell you is that Will feels different. Outlaw is crazy! Outlaw is chaos! But Will is different. Will is desperation to the point of madness.

Something I don’t think Feverteez is capable of right now.

So without further ado, here’s my vaguely Halateez perspective song analysis. (We Know/Emergency/Arriba/Silver Light)

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

WE KNOW

This song is by far a favorite of mine on the album. It comes on strong. It’s powerful. There’s desperation and challenge in it, as thought it’s the beginning of something bigger.

It’s The Comeback. It’s their comeback. Halateez.

One thing I found interesting as I was reading the lyrics is how much it seems as though they are both the hunters and the hunted. They’re back and they’re coming after you. But who is you? The government? Z? The brainwashed citizens of Strictland?

I swear, “I’m the morning,” always gives me chills. It’s so perfect for the role they’re playing because it connects both to the idea of waking up and also to imagery of the sun rising in the darkness. Dawn. In Wave, the concept of ‘the wave’ is that of a challenge a trial. They’re sending a warning because they are the challenge.

When I think of a wave I imagine something huge, overwhelming, something bigger than just them. Halateez is back, but it’s not just them. Feverteez is still a symbol of hope sure, but Halateez is the og. I would guess that even though many people are willing to join the revolution while Feverteez is spearheading it, many more would show up to follow Halateez especially if they pull a Jesus and come back from their ‘presumed deadness’. That would make sense connected to the title of the album. Will. A word that makes me think of the phrase ‘the will of the people’. As the Crazy Form MV suggests, they’re assembling their own little army of progressively growing number. Their own Wave made of the citizens of Strictland.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

I see this as a threat to Z & anyone who’ll stand by him, but also as a message of hope to anyone trapped so deep in the blackhole of emotionless existence that they don’t think they can escape. However…I wonder if part of it is directed towards Feverteez too, as a warning not to get sucked into the false dreams as they have a habit of doing. (Which would be kinda funny if the unit songs are Feverteez in dreams again ToT)

Even if Feverteez has been doing their best to help people, in the end it’s still Halateez’s world. In the end they’re the ones with the most power in the revolution. They are back and they are coming for you. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

“-thunder will turn the lights on…” I’m going to assume that this reference to ‘thunder’ is supposed to mean Thunder the undercover organization within Prestige Academy. So Halateez (and Feverteez) have teamed up with Thunder (as in the Diaries) and are trusting them to “turn the lights on”. My theory on that is very much connected to the Will diaries. At the end of the Will diaries Thunder’s leader, (the Be Free girl) is sent in to meet Z, an undercover mission that would bring her to very center of the Strictland regime. If she is caught showing emotion everything will be blown, but if she manages to stay hidden, she’ll be able to relay information straight from the government’s head office to Thunder and the Black Pirates (Halateez’s revolutionary group that Feverteez has been working with). My guess is that turning the lights on is supposed to mean shedding light on the terrible things Z has done. Releasing information that no one else should know and making it clear who’s really the bad guys.

Halateez is finally ready to reveal themselves to the world, they’re no longer waiting or hiding. It is the right time to come out and stand as they are. (Likely alongside Feverteez somehow.)

I’d also like to mention how cool the last line is, because it comes through with very real world implications. “My mic’s on” is a very kpop thing to say, (for obvious reasons) at concerts etc. BUT it’s also very applicable to the idea of ‘be careful I’m not afraid to say what needs to be said’ it’s a thinly veiled threat about revealing the truth. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Emergency

Frankly this song is so concerning. The first time I read the lyrics I was a little bit scared for the tone of this whole album. This whole song is just pure Dionysian madness. No matter what iteration of Ateez you think Will is, Emergency is concerning.

This whole chunk of lyrics could be connected to irl Ateez, (five years since mainstream, etc…) which would be pretty depressing, but also something which is necessary to think about. Even when looking at things from a Lore™️ perspective, realizing how it applies to real life is important to understanding the perspective. From an irl perspective, lore aside, this song is about getting lost in fame. Endless parties, endless emergencies, and a life you can’t go back to. The pressure closing in. Losing yourself in the game.

Which, though not exactly what Halateez/Feverteez is feeling, it’s pretty darn close. This song, lore perspective, is still about the pressure closing in and losing yourself in the game. The biggest differences is that Halateez is infamous rather than famous, and the pressure is quite literally the fear of death. So, uh yea. This could be Feverteez, sure, finally crumbling under the pressure of having to save a world that isn’t their own. But I really, really, believe it’s Halateez. Why? First, overall Halateez is rougher around the edges than Feverteez. Second, (and most important) how long has Halateez had emotion? If we assume The Real is their backstory we can say they’ve had emotion since Highschool….right? But if it’s not, then how long has it been? 5 years?? More???

Is that really enough to feel the depths of despair and come back from it? Is that really enough time to learn to control how you feel? Sometimes do they wish they’d never woken their emotions?

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

I’m going to agree with Tiny Bug Ink on this one, that the Light is another reference to their treasure. (their video here) But what is their treasure. We know what Feverteez treasures are from the first diaries. But do we know what Halateez’s are? Are they the same?

��A wish I’ve fervently desired from the beginning of the explosion.” This isn’t something Feverteez would say. The explosion is the revolution, but Halateez is the only one who saw the beginning of the revolution, they started it, they got the ball rolling.

Why? Why did they start the revolution? They wanted Freedom.

Freedom is their treasure.

It took me a week to realize this, but the phrase “Who is gonna play?” along with the “You better run, hide & seek.” from We Know and Yeosang’s hopscotch part from Bouncy are all probably supposed to connect to the idea of The Game. (Something Tiny Bug Ink pointed out in this video)

Throughout the whole World Series (yet another phrase associated with games), Ateez has consistently referred to the world as a game. These lines are just a few of the many that connect the concepts, and I’m not quite sure their meaning in the long term, but it is really interesting. As of this song they’ve lost their hope. They’ve lost their trust in the world and maybe even each other. They’re stuck in emotional limbo drowning themselves in alcohol. Thinking of the events of the Will diaries I don’t really blame them. Somehow the events of the diaries seems so much worse if it was the world you came from, not some dreamlike parallel universe.

I also wanted to point out “Party never ends”, because it’s just yet another usage of the word End which they seem to be throwing in everywhere this comeback. Party never ends.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Crazy Form

(For sake of length and my sanity I’m going to skip Crazy Form rn. I do have a separate post on it though, here.)

I would like to say though that the phrase “Ateez go!” doesn’t necessarily have to be self referential. It could be encouragement. Like arriba.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

ARRIBA

This song was frustratingly hard to analyze. It has a very similar vibe to Emergency when it comes to lyrics and general theme, but unlike Emergency it’ no longer a cry for help, they’ve just let everything go.

I thought it was interesting that Arriba, (assuming google isnt screwing with me) is essentially Spanish slang for Up! (encouraging) So it’s probably supposed to be an equal equivalent to;

“We go up.”

(I love the stage it’s so silly! And cowboy! The lyrics on the other hand-) ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

For the chorus, the words ‘dirty night’ we (as in me) almost immediately connected to sex, debauchery, etc… And while yes there is plenty of evidence in the song to make that connection, I feel like it has a double meaning. For violence. It’s a dirty night not just because they’re letting their inhibitions go and partying hard. It’s a dirty night because of the fear and hopelessness that even drove them to that point. For the threat of death hanging over them.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

I don’t have too much to say here about these lines. Though I would like to point out the obvious mentions of time, madness, and most importantly the end. This whole album constantly seems to reference the end of something. Which is both concerning, and not because of the whole ‘beginning is the end, end is the beginning’ thing.

I’d also like the add the comments of this blog here, because they make a good summary of why La cucaracha is important. vv

(Plz go check out their blog I love it.)

Their sets for the stages also seem to reinforce that connection to the Mexican revolution.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

“My nose grows longer like Pinocchio’s” I think this line is particularly important, simply because it’s not instantly connected to the other lyrics. Ok so, he’s lying. But to whom? The people around him? Or himself?

I really like the context of the word dreamers. Irl a ‘street of dreamers’ is someplace someone goes to achieve their dreams, but contextually it could also mean a street of dreaming people. It’s the road of the people of the revolution. Dreaming of freedom literally and figuratively. I love the addition of Picasso and Salvador both as Spanish artists, but additionally, on top of that, they were both part of the Surrealism movement in art. A movement in art that emphasized the power of dreams and subconscious.

(Quotes taken from here, bc they summarized it better than I could.) Tbh I wasn’t expecting their actual work to be connected to the theme, but here we are. HJ & production appreciation hours.

“Blood spreading up and down.” As of the diaries Z has moved on from imprisonment and secret executions to public hangings. Like, just the idea of that is just…so fked up. Even if, as of Arriba, they’re in their safe little dreamworld they created in Crazy Form to give the citizens hope, they’re still in the same places. Even if they’re in a dream, they’re partying where people died. Like….ehh.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Silver Light

Let me just start off with saying that this song breaks me almost every time I listen to it. There’s just something so intensely emotional about it that it always makes me want to cry. Silver Light is the moment where the insanity of the last four songs melt into a single ray of hope. It’s perfect.

And it was also the hardest to analyze. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

The very first line of the song has the word chain in it, and it’s sung by Wooyoung. Which makes me instantly connect it to two things; The Fever Diaries and the Wonderland MV.

In his very first diary entry, Wooyoung talks about stage fright. This is the final paragraph of his entry. (Read the full thing here)

In his diary Wooyoung uses the word ‘chain’ to represent his fear. What was holding him back. I think, in Silver Light it’s being used the same way. The citizens of Strictland are afraid of emotion, afraid of feeling, afraid of being in pain and showing it. I wasn’t expecting to relate so fully with these lyrics, but as I was turning them over in my head I realized something…It’s the same as when you want to cry but can’t because you’re afraid of being vulnerable. Afraid people will judge you. It’s that feeling, isn’t it?

Being afraid of showing emotion…Chained by fear…huh.

I’m sure there are more times they use the word chain in their discography. Times that aren’t related to Woo. But I can’t think of any off the top of my head, so for now he just owns that word.

Now, I can’t talk about the word wings without mentioning Seonghwa’s (super fking amazing) dance break on D1 of their tour. It lives in my mind rent free and I’ve thought about nothing else. It’s so- *screaming/crying*

But it’s also related to wings and the concept of freedom. The Strictland guards ‘take his wings’ a metaphor for taking his freedom. They leave him because he’s already broken, not physically, but mentally. They stole his freedom of thought. (I’m not crying no)

I could talk forever about this dance break. I won’t, but I do want to talk about how it relates to Halateez. If they lived in the emotionless void that Strictland is for their whole lives and then one day discovered feeling. If they learned how to feel and sense and hope and yearn. How to live alive. Could they go back?

They were captured, locked up, away from their friends in glass boxes, and forced to watch people being tortured. They had their freedom, which is probably their only treasure, ripped from them. They were sent to hell after they first learned how to feel. Don’t you think they’d want to go back to how it was before ? To embrace emotionlessness? To give up? The stealing of his wings can mean a lot of things. Not being able to go back home, losing emotion, losing hope, giving up, the moment of despair. But look at him and tell me that’s not what despair looks like.

(Ngl I added these bc I love them and everyone needs to appreciate actor Hwa.) ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

This verse gives me heart palpitations, and not just bc I love HJ’s rapping.

“This is the last chance, maybe.” This line makes me think of the breaking of the cromer in the Crazy Form MV. Assuming the scene isn’t a reference to when Yeosang broke the first cromer to save them, they broke the second cromer. Maybe there’s a third artifact they can use to time/dimension travel. Maybe that’s what the cube is. But if that’s true, if they break it they can’t go back home. It also made me wonder. Was that how Halateez felt when they first found the cromer and first used the it? They were desperate enough to summon Feverteez from another dimension. A plan that sounds like a last ditch effort if I ever heard one. As though they’d lost all hope in themselves.

Throughout the whole album there are constant references to the end, the last, the final. Will is the end of something. It could be the end of the uprising whether winning or losing, the end of Halateez hiding their identities, or even the end of Feverteez dream and adventure in Strictland. Really, we won’t even know what was the end of until next comeback. (It could pick up anywhere, I’m scared.) To be honest, this was the hardest set of lyrics to analyze. Specifically these lines: “There’s no law saying die. The trigger at the edge of breath.” Like excuse me what. (Genius.com really let me down on this one ToT) So I looked up other translations and they were equally confusing. But I did find this vv

I don’t pretend to know Korean, so going strictly off these translations I’m guessing it roughly means: We can’t die yet. So there’s that.

“Whether I want it or not this is my life.” “In the time of regrets I’m going. Here is the last man standing.”

HJ gets his mic drop. (Imma go cry) ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

In irl sense the “radiant light” and “countless voices” are Atiny. There have been countless times Ateez has referred to us as their Light, Lights, or Stars. (Excuse me I’m sobbing.)

In a lore sense though, it probably means the citizens of Strictland. The people who are slowly waking up and desperate for freedom, desperate for someone to save them from meaningless existence.

Which, really. Isn’t it the same? Living our boring lives, to work, to school, to sleep. A lot of us these days are really living in a grey world. Ateez music, their performances, are loud and bright, emotional and spectacular. They motivate and inspire us to wake up. To find our treasures. To feel our emotions. To dance.

Ateez started small, like really small. But now they’re able to inspire us to dream big, to hope. I like to think this song says the opposite is true as well. We inspire them, to hope, to continue going forward. And as idealistic as it sounds, I believe it. Because I’ve been inspired by fellow Atiny’s creations time and time again. ❤️

Now, for the final piece. In typical me fashion I looked deeper than I needed to and found something interesting on the concept of Ego. (So it connects to Crazy Form too)

In Freudian psychology, Ego is the conscious part of the mind that keeps your Id (instincts/monkey brain) in line with your Superego (morality/ideals). Without a strong enough Ego you lose control of yourself and descend into a kind of insanity characterized by blindly searching for pleasure. Ego is characterized as the realistic part of the human psyche, including rational thinking, planning, and self-control. (More info here.)

In this context “My ego’s in this show.” Likely is supposed to mean; ‘I’ve thought this through’, or ‘I’m doing this of my own will’.

Will

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧//✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ This post took 2 months to write bc I kept updating it as they came out with more stuff. (So some of it is better written than others ToT)

I almost didn’t even post it, but here we are… So if you made it this far, thanks for reading!!! ❤️

I know that I am going hard on my Halateez agenda, but their story is incredibly vague for how important it is. I feel like, even if they’re dead/gone/merged, Feverteez’s journey is still related to them more than it’s not. That’s why I go so hard on my Halateez shenanigans. Because they’re important dammit.

As always, feel free to add your own ideas and comments. I by no means think I’m right about everything (or anything) but the more ideas out there the more connections we can make. In the end, theories and speculation is part of what makes the story so fun. Atiny Fighting!! \ (＾▽＾\* )

[monstersinthecosmos]

How do you feel about Marius/Bianca? I was somewhat perplexed by their dynamics in the last trilogy and the way Anne had Bianca quite literally begging for that dick yet he kept ghosting her because GOD FORBID a woman (or anyone, really) reminds him of a time when he was weak. He treated her like shit and then she left him and fell in love with someone else (RIP to that guy, we barely knew him) but then she showed up again and was still head over heels in love with him. Even Fareed was like “wtf is your problem bro she’s a ten”. But at the same time I guess that a big theme in the last trilogy was about going back to the person/people you’ve loved the most despite it all so it makes… sense? Him getting to keep his two wives at the end? Anyhow IA on Pandora daddy domming his ass 🥲

dagsdjk WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM BRO SHE'S A TEN

god please I love Bianca so much too, she and Pandora can double-dom him any time.

I mean I think this is the same issue we run into over and over in VC where like it's FREE REAL ESTATE because Anne just like fuckin, forgot about her characters/didn't care/etc lol. Like I would kill to know what Bianca is up to, how her life has been, how she's doing!!!

And like I think I give a lot of credit to Akasha for breaking Marius's heart and destroying his confidence but Bianca did it first!!!!!!!! And I wonder if maybe that's a more appropriate source of the multi-century slump he's been in. Like he's in TERRIBLE shape in TVA and it's sorta like because he's wandering around without purpose without The Parents but like, there's plausible deniability that Pandora left on accident, whereas Bianca is his lover that like SPECIFICALLY broke up with him.

But Marius is left in a weird place when canon ends; he's sort of a mess, trying to get his life together, trying to find purpose again, and I think there's an openness he shows. He seems willing to heal, willing to rethink the way he sees vampirism, willing to respect vampires as their own people & their own culture, so maybe he'll be okay! And I wonder if part of that is like, patching things up with his exes and being more present and honest with them when he's ready. He's always been a person that like relies on his own worldview so staunchly because it was his way of coping with immortality and I think when he had The Parents it really gave him the strength to believe in himself and he had something to fall back on, it was something he could believe in because he could see it with his own eyes. So like he can be difficult and stubborn and hard to live with but he had that PROOF that he was doing the right thing and like Akasha was the real wife the whole time that he stayed with, you know? BUT WITHOUT HER? NOW HE'S JUST A HEARTBROKEN AIMLESS MESS. I THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR HIM TO WORK IT OUT WITH THESE LADIES. Marius is very much always like "I WANT YOU TO CHALLENGE ME" to his lovers but then gets upset when he's actually challenged lol. I wonder if maybe he's grown past that so we can actually get somewhere! I realize I ranted and screamed but to answer your question I am feral about Marius/Bianca!!!!!!!!!!!

[heathtrash]

The Worst Witch December Events

Well met, everyone! 

It’s that time again where the festive holiday-themed fics are plentiful, and we all come together to collectively ignore canon in favour of being kinder to our favourites. Many of you are probably wondering if anyone’s organising any fun little Worst Witch fandom events, and the answer is yes! Over on the TWW Discord we've come up with two challenges that can be attempted by themselves, or combined - a gift exchange you can sign up for on AO3 via this link, and a December holiday-flavoured prompts list.

Gift Exchange

For the gift exchange, everyone will be secretly assigned a person to write a fic or make art for, matched according to your shared ships. There’s a simple form where you can provide details for what you’re offering as a gift and what you’d like to receive. Be sure to provide as much detail as possible and specify whether you are requesting or offering fic/art, what you are willing to create, and what you’d prefer to receive. For example, “I will write/draw fluff, but will not write/draw anything nsfw”.

When you submit, all fics will be invisible until the final submission date, when they will be revealed anonymously. Try to guess which fandom writer you received! The authors will be revealed on the 25th December.

Fics must be a minimum of 1,000 words (there is no maximum), and art (while subjective) must be of decent image size and quality. Your work must be submitted to the collection on AO3 (linked on this post). To give and receive gifts, you must have an AO3 account. Ships must involve consenting adults only. If you are submitting to the December Prompts, do not add your gift fic/art to that collection until after the authors have been revealed. No AI art or fic is permitted.

While this is for fun, please be serious about having something (relevant to the request given, of course) to submit. It would not be fair for someone to miss out after having put in a lot of hard work and effort on their own submission. 

Due dates are as follows:

Sign up is open until 20th November 2023.

Completed work submission is 18th December 2023.

Authors are revealed on the 25th December 2023. 

Full guidelines are up on the collection. Remember to sign up this week before it's too late!

Prompts List

There is a separate collection just for prompts! You can freely submit your works here to the AO3 Collection as and when you like.

The images below contain a variety of prompts that may be interpreted in any way you choose. How you complete those prompts is entirely up to you - whether it’s doing an entire day’s worth of prompts together, mixing and matching prompts from different days, choosing one prompt from each day, or picking a few that you like and working with them.

Use the hashtag "#tww december prompts" when linking your AO3 works so we can find and share them!

Many, many thanks to @hydr0phius for helping set this up, and all the lovely folks on the discord for providing inspiration!

(silly little art by me)

[vmures]

I was tagged by both @keldjinfae and @oldefashioned to post my top 10 (recent) movies. It took me a bit to find time to reply. It's also an extra challenge because I am a lot slower to watch things these days (in my teens and twenties I spent a lot of time at the movies, but these days not so much).

In no particular order here are ten recent(ish) movies that I enjoyed. I figured recentish would be within the last five years.

Knives Out - saw this one at the theaters with family and loved it. It's tightly written and kept me guessing though I did figure it out before the reveal. It was also just a whole lot of fun.

Knives Out: The Glass Onion - watched this one when it was released to streaming with family. I adore Janelle Monae and she shines so beautifully in this film. Daniel Craig is also a delight and it was great fun to meet his husband and see the all-star cameos they included in the beginning. Like the first film, it's tightly written and a very fun romp.

The Old Guard - I only just got around to watching this over the past weekend and holy shit, it was so damn good. Joe and Nicky are wonderful, and Andy is gorgeous and bad ass beyond belief. Not gonna lie, I can easily watch Charlize Theron all day long. But it's even better when it's a well done movie with an interesting plot and a great cast. This is one I will be rewatching often.

Barbie - it has it's issues, but it was also a powerhouse of a film in a lot of ways. It resonated deeply when I watched it at the theater with family. Like many who played with the dolls growing up, I have a complicated relationship with the dolls and my memory of them, and I know I am not alone in that. I was surprised that the movie touched on that common thread and that it was so much more than just a nostalgic money grab. I think this might have been the first post-pandemic movie I saw in theaters.

Godzilla Minus One - Saw this one in the theaters with family. It's a beautifully done film and a great nod to the original Godzilla movies. The themes are heavy, but handled wonderfully. It's a very powerful film in a lot of ways and captures a lot of the issues post-WWII Japan faced. Highly recommend, but if you are a crier like I am, keep a box of tissues nearby.

Civil War (2024) - I saw this one in the theater with family as well. I'm still not entirely sure if I'd watch it a second time because it was really intense and horrifying in a lot of ways. But it is a beautifully done film and Kirsten Dunst's performance in particular was spectacular.

Love and Monsters - Watched this on streaming when it came out and ended up buying a copy. I adore Dylan O'Brien, so that got me interested. I also like action movies and monster movies. This was just a really fun and sweet film all around.

Raya and the Last Dragon - Just saw this one over the past weekend. It got pretty panned, but I found it to be a charming and fun little film. Definitely something I'd be willing to watch again.

Heart of Stone - another one I watched recently. Gal Gadot is delightful to watch in this fun spy action movie. It was a great popcorn film.

Free Guy - Watched this one on streaming a while back. Ryan Reynolds and Joe Keery are both so much fun in this movie. It's such a delightful little film.

Not tagging anyone because it took most of my spoons to think of 10 movies from the last five years that I had both seen and enjoyed. lol

If you want to play along, consider yourself tagged. Feel free to tag me in your response. It's fun to see what others like.

[total-drama-takes-takes-2]

tta episode 10

“Last time, on Total Takes Action: our remaining contestants competed in a detective noir themed challenge to uncover a secret traitor within their very midst. Scary went bananas… again, and Scruffy got served a heaping dish of steaming hot reality. O was accused of the crime, but it was Max’s secret detective skills that pulled through and uncovered the real imposter… Fren! Or should I say Alistair, award-winning theater actor? Unfortunately for him, the Gilded Chris was not an award he won, and he was sent off the silver screen and back to the stage. Is anyone who they say they are? Find out now, on Total! Takes! Action!”

The craft services tent is dreary and quiet today, not a hint of conversation or comradery between the remaining contestants. 

Scruffy is seated far away from Scary, jogging in place in the corner of the tent. Scary is ignoring them, flipping through their notes and making additions and addendums. Max is reading something, his brow furrowed in concentration, O is busy spooning the morning breakfast slop, and Peter is sitting awkwardly by himself on the vacant end of the table. 

---

PETER: “Ever since Fren- sorry, I mean Al- left, it’s been dead quiet around here. Everyone left hates each other! Not only that, but since my last friend left the island… I’ve been completely alone.. I think this might be the first time I've spoken out loud in a week!”

---

O coughs. Scary wipes her nose on her lab coat sleeve. Peter looks like he’s about to pop a blood vessel. 

Finally, the intercom crackles, and he breathes a sigh of relief. 

“Goooood morning, campers! If you’ll all join me in front of the craft services tent, we have a special treat for you today!”

Scruffy raises an eyebrow. “But- our next challenge is supposed to be-”

“Don't wet yourselves with terror just yet- this is not a challenge! Just for fun! And ratings!”

Scary rolls her eyes and snaps her notebook shut, walking outside with the rest of the cast. Only Scruffy lags behind, apparently disturbed by the sudden change in structure. 

"Do you really believe it's going to be nothing?" Peter asks Scruffy, tailing alongside them.

"Um... I guess... I mean, Chris works by a schedule, but he can be pretty unpredictable," the neon lime wonders aloud. "Maybe he'll invite us to a cozy dinner and drug us, and we'll wake back up on the island..."

Scruffy sighs dreamily while Peter quivers in terror.

---

SCRUFFY: "I haven't been on top of my game this season, and it's really making me miss the island. At least then I could predict what was coming... now, it's like Russian roulette with a fully-loaded barrel!"

---

Chris is standing with an unfamiliar camera crew right outside of the tent, chatting about shot lists and lighting. As the campers shuffle outside, he turns with a big smile. He’s wearing an odd pair of square glasses and a beret today. 

“Good morning, treasured and beloved children,” Chris speaks in a pleasant, soft tone. Behind him is a massive buffet loaded with every breakfast food imaginable- eggs, toast, bacon, pancakes and waffles of every variation, croissants, jams and butters and chocolate spreads, with pitchers of fresh squeezed orange juice lining the table-cloth covered surface. Chef is at one end of the buffet, setting down tiny plates and toothpicks, covered in bacon grease and sweat. “Did you all sleep well? Ready to enjoy your nutritious breakfast?”

The campers halt, looking between each other as if no one is quite sure if this is a mirage or not, like an oasis on the desert. Scruffy silently pumps their fist in the back.

Finally- “Did you hit your head or what?” Max asks bluntly. 

The host chuckles back. “Of course not,” he turns to the crew behind him. “The children get three vitamin-packed, nutritious meals every day. We have our own personal chef on standby, so everything is made fresh.”

Chef waves from the end of the table, little flecks of bacon grease flying off his fingers.

“I’m pretty sure there was a cockroach in the oatmeal this morning,” O mumbles to Max. He nods. 

Chris looks back to the campers. “Today we have a very special treat for you all. I’ve canceled the mindfulness and meditation, so you all better give your full attention to the very nice people from Reality, Weekly,”

Scruffy gasps. The campers look between each other, still in a shocked silence, now even more confused than before. Finally, Scary clears his throat. "Um, who?"

"WHO?!" Scruffy shouts from behind them, right into her ear. She claps her hands around her head and glares.

---

SCRUFFY: “Reality Weekly?! THE Reality Weekly?! North America and selective European countries’ number one reality TV gossip mag?! THEY RAN THE DUNCNEY VS. GWUNCAN STORY FOR YEARS! This is the most exciting day of my life, oh my God- I was right, staying in the game is WAY more important than 50 million dollars!”

---

“Can we get Nadie on set?” a stagehand yells. Two production assistants set up some chairs inside the trailers as the cast looks on.

"Make sure to be veeeery nice for the lovely television producers, and I'll see you all at your gourmet dinner tonight," Chris clasps his hands together and strains his words, trying to convey one thing to the remaining campers- behave. "Anyone who doesn't want to participate will see Chef in the, um... meditation tent."

The campers turn to see Chef sharpening a fish hook by the buffet. Chris wishes them good luck and walks off with a few sharply-dressed producers. 

"This is such [CENSORED]," Scary sighs.

"I knew it was a challenge..." Peter grumbles, taking a seat on the grass by the buffet table and dejectedly peeling an orange.

"Does this mean we're not getting drugged?" Scruffy pouts. "No matter- I've been preparing for my Reality, Weekly interview since I was six years old!"

They take a seat next to Peter, crossing their legs and smiling. "I used to practice in front of the mirror before school- of course, in those interviews, I was giving my winner's speech... but this is alright, too,"

Peter splits the orange in half and gives one handful of slices to Scruffy. "Did you always want to be on TV?"

"Oh, yes. I've known for years that Total Drama is my home!"

Scary coughs in the back. "Loser!"

Max elbows her and she lunges at him. Their growls and his screeches fade out as she chases him across the lot. Scruffy turns back to Peter. "What did you want to do?"

"Oh, a lot of things," Peter nods. "Doctor, psychologist, research scientist, teacher... people say I have a real knack for helping."

Scruffy makes a face. "Has helping people ever gotten you anywhere?"

Now it's O's turn to elbow him. He frowns disapprovingly and turns to Peter. "Well, I think that's wonderful, Peter. Maybe we can be therapists together!"

"Maybe!"

Scruffy rolls their eyes and shakes their head sadly. "Just not cut out for this game..."

The sound of a door opening catches the attention of the remaining players and they turn towards their sides. A young person dressed in a purple tank top and black pants comes out from the impromptu production tent set up outside the craft services tent, adjusting a lav mic and grinning widely. 

“Okay, who’s first?” they ask, flipping their braids over their shoulders. 

The campers look between each other. One tiny voice pipes up from the back of the crowd. “Ooh, me! Me!”

The interviewer ignores Scruffy and sighs, tapping their chin. “How about… Max. We have a lot of questions for him,”

Max screams from far away as Scary catches him.

"Can someone get him for me?"

---

The camera adjusts and focuses on Max sitting in front of a wall, the space cleared out for the interview. Nadie remains behind the camera, clearing their throat. “Good morning. I’m Canada, but you can also call me Nadie, if you want,”

“Your name is Canada?”

“Nadie for short. Shall we begin?”

---

NADIE: “Okay, so when I got this internship at Reality Weekly six months ago, I was so totally not expecting to get sent out to Toronto to interview the Total Takes cast- this is like a dream come true! My supervisor Sierra picked me specifically, because I’ve already seen all of Total Takes Island- five times!”

---

Nadie tries to contain the smile in their tone as they begin. “So, Max- what’s it like being back on the show?”

“Terrible,”

“Last episode, you said that you only came back to see your girlfriend, Michela- now that she’s gone, do you still want the money?”

He shrugs. “It couldn’t hurt. Might as well try while I’m still stuck in this hell hole,”

---

Outside the trailer, Scary, Scruffy, O, and Peter wait on the grass. A shaky, handheld camera records them, and Scary glares at it. 

“What, like we aren’t being recorded all the time on this damn set?”

The cameraman doesn’t respond. She groans and stands, walking back to the craft services tent. The camera turns and follows her, stopping every time she turns around. 

“Would you BUZZ OFF!” she finally yells, storming into the tent and zipping the flap behind her. 

Scruffy runs in front of the camera. “You can film me! Look at me! I loved your guys’ exposee piece on Sugar!”

The camera turns away. 

---

Max walks out of the trailer in a few minutes, and O is called in. 

The former walks past Peter and Scruffy waiting outside and locks himself in the communal bathroom. Scruffy groans in agony. 

"This is torture! No one here even cares... do you know how special being on Total Drama is? It's hard, yes, but... we're making history! We have fan clubs, people speculating about us and our relationships, magazines running stories on us... what part of that doesn't sound amazing?!"

"Um... all of it," O grumbles, sitting criss-cross in the grass while snacking on a baby muffin. "Is that really why you came here? To get famous?"

"Not really. I just wanted to... you know, experience it for myself," Scruffy sighs. "Why'd you come?"

"My therapist recommended it, thank you very much," he responds curtly. "And I think this place is a petri dish of potential clients in the future. After this season is done, we can start doing group therapy!"

"Geez, and you think I'm weird for obsessing over the show," Scruffy rolls their eyes. "But at least we can agree on one thing-"

O nods. "People here are crazy,"

---

“I guess meeting everyone has been fun,” O says, tapping his chin. “Peter is pretty chill, Scruffy is… um… I’ll pass on that. Max has his moments, but I see a lot of love in him, deep down,” O puts a hand over his heart. “Just the way he looks at Michela tells me that behind all that nerdy superiority, he’s got a good heart. Scary is a black tar pit of nothingness and she might’ve been forged in the depths of the sun.”

---

The camera films through the mesh craft services tent window as Scary sticks another fork in the wooden table at the center of the tent and digs it deep into the pliable surface. She takes out a rubber band and pulls it apart, creating a long, rubber string. They tie one end to one fork, and likewise to the other, then pulls it back with a small pebble. 

She grins as she releases the elastic and it flies across the tent, straight into the camera lens. 

---

SCARY: "What? I've been making some good progress here, and after last episode, I'm not taking any chances letting the wrong people see what I'm cooking up," they hold up their notebook and grin. "They'll see. They'll all see!" she laughs maniacally and then coughs. "But, as much as I hate to admit it, losing my assistant has taken me a step back. A scientist is only as good as their word, and in most cases, their word needs to be excessively reviewed and re-reviewed."

---

Scruffy runs a lap around the filming trailer, then another. Peter gets called inside and O walks out, stretching and retreating to the other trailer. 

---

“Scruffy is… well… they’re an enigma, let’s say that,” O scratches his chin. “They may be too far gone for even me to help.”

---

“I almost feel bad for them,” Peter says, hands in his lap. “They’re straining themself so hard, and I can tell when someone is about to snap…”

---

“Another formidable opponent lost to the insanity of Total Takes,” Max shakes his head. “A damn shame.”

---

"Wasted potential," Scary flicks a dustball off their lab coat.

---

Peter sits in the designated chair against the chosen backdrop, fidgeting nervously. 

“You doing alright, Peter?” Nadie asks, adjusting his lavalier mic and then stepping back. He nods sheepishly. “If you insist. First question… what’s it like making it this far in the game after being dropped so early from the competition in the first season?”

“Scary,” he says immediately. “Even scarier now that Fren is gone.”

“Were you two good friends?”

“He was nice to me,” Peter mumbles. “No one is nice to me… I mean, just off the bat.”

“How do you feel about Max’s influence over his elimination?”

“What do you mean?”

Nadie scratches her chin awkwardly. “Well… if he’d never been exposed, he’d still be here,”

Peter looks at his feet. “I guess I’ve… never thought about it that much…”

---

O rifles through a bag of chips from the kitchen, watching Scruffy pace back and forth and murmur to themselves like a madman. Scary joins O, hands on their hips as they watch the display. 

“Pathetic,” she sighs. “Oh, well. I suppose they were always a ticking time bomb. Say, O… you have any experience in chemistry?”

“Only in the chemicals of the mind!”

“Nerd!” Scary shouts, walking away. “Have to do everything my damn self around here…”

Max steps out of the bathroom, looking back and forth. The camera zooms in on him as he walks out, exhaling. 

“Boo!”

He screams and leaps as Scary shouts in his ear. She chuckles and watches him blush and regain his composure. “Was that necessary?”

“No. That’s why it’s fun,” she smiles. “Hey, you’re a smart guy, right?”

“Maybe. Who’s asking?”

“I need a second opinion,” Scary pulls out her notebook. “Some peer review, if you will. Scruffy has obviously fallen off the deep-end, and I have some ideas to bounce.”

“What, your parole officer busy this week?”

“You and I both know I’m above the law. What do you say? I’ll give you a fraction of the profits if I’m right… 10%?”

“25%”

“20%, and that’s my final offer,”

“Deal. Twenty it is,”

Scruffy trips on a pebble and wails on the ground, rocking back and forth in front of them.

---

“Peter is…” O starts, looking up. 

---

“A pushover,” Max scoffs. 

---

“A good guy, but not Total Takes material,” Scruffy nods. "Poor guy is going to get eaten alive..."

---

“Look, there’s nothing wrong with him, he’s just so milquetoast,” Max rolls his eyes. “Still, I wouldn’t mind making it to the finale with him. For obvious reasons.”

---

Peter sits in the craft services tent, biting his nails and glancing over to Max every few minutes. He’s busy rifling through a few of Scary’s notes, looking up every few seconds to make sure no one can see what he’s doing. The camera zooms in on the papers nonetheless. 

Peter turns to O. “Can I get some advice?”

“What?” O yawns, leaning on his elbow. “Oh, yeah, sure! What’s the deal- GAD? SAD?”

“Um… I just want your opinion on something. You know, like a friend,”

O raises an eyebrow. 

---

O: “I guess it’s just kind of… weird… having people want to talk to me like a friend… I’ve never had a friendship that existed outside of impromptu therapeutic discussions and mutual validation, you know?”

---

“If there was someone who… ruined a friendship for you… would it be right to be angry at them?” Peter asks, looking at his lap nervously. 

“Anger is a secondary emotion, if we can get to the root…” O slows down, then sighs. “Yes. Yes it would be right. In fact, I’d be even angrier! If I got to actually keep a friend, and then someone else ruined our friendship, I’d be furious!”

“Really,” Scary scoffs from across the table, peering over her notebook. “Mr. Cool Therapy, that’s not good client advice.”

“I’m not a therapist,” O crosses his arms, matter-of-factly. “I’m not licensed, after all. It’s illegal to impersonate a doctor. We’re talking… as friends!”

“Whatever,” she sighs, returning to her notes. 

---

“O is… whatever, I guess,” Scary crosses her arms. “Not worth my time.”

---

“He’s fine. Michela liked him enough,” Max sighs. "She does have astronomically bad taste, though... wait, what does that say about me?"

---

Nadie steps into the craft services tent and calls in Scary.

"No way in hell," Scary grumbles, leafing through the notebook with Max at her side. "You're lucky I haven't smashed in all your stupid equipment yet."

"Um, yeah, Chris warned us about that, so... he took the liberty of setting up a minefield around the production tent," Nadie smiles nervously. "I wouldn't get too close if I were you."

---

"What do I think I've accomplished on the show?" Scary scoffs at the question.

---

Max sighs. "Nothing,"

---

"Not enough!" O says.

---

"I guess I've... survived, and that's good enough, right?" Peter smiles bashfully.

---

"Here's an accomplishment for you: today's minefield will be the last," Scary grins. "Chris is going down."

---

It's dark out now, the sun setting behind the cityscape. Scary steps out of the trailer and Nadie sticks his head out as she leaves. “Scruffy?”

“FINALLY!” Scruffy jumps up from the grass where they’ve been waiting for the past few hours, and dashes inside the trailer. “I am so ready for this!”

“Love the enthusiasm,” Nadie smiles. “We don’t actually have a lot of questions for you, but this one’s on everyone’s minds…”

“Anything!” they speak enthusiastically, folding their hands in their lap and sitting up straight.

“What are your thoughts on Patrick and Julia being an item?”

Scruffy’s smile drops. “What?”

“Damn, right, I forgot that you don’t have internet access here. Patrick and Julia are an item now! Considering your close friendship with Julia, a lot of the fans are wondering…”

They force another smile. “That’s great! That’s so cool and awesome, I’m SO happy for them! Haha! Even though Patrick’s style of antagonism directly conflicts Julia’s and they’re way too different and he knows nothing about her. I’m fine! You know what? I didn't even want to do this interview anyway- I have to go!” Scruffy stands, running outside the trailer. 

---

Scruffy sits in the confessional, wailing.

---

Scary and Max watch them running into the makeup and hair confessional, covering their face. “What got up their ass this time?” Max asks. 

---

Peter and O watch the two from inside the mess hall. "What do you think they're doing?"

"Nothing good," O responds, shaking his head. "Anything those two can agree on has to be trouble."

"I don't know, maybe we're being too harsh..." Peter starts, twirling his thumbs around each other. "I don't want to be mean..."

O sighs and takes a seat at the table. "Listen, man. Speaking... as a friend, I think you can be pretty soft when it comes to people messing with your feelings. And I know that... I haven't been doing a good job at regulating that for everyone. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes I feel like therapy just pushes positivity onto people instead of validating their feelings!"

"I don't think that's crazy at all," Peter says. "Didn't your therapist get you to come on reality TV to face a fear?"

"Yeah... maybe... that wasn't the right move," O sighs. "I know it's unprofessional, but I see you guys as friends, not clients, and I would never subject my friends to that same crap."

"I don't think that's unprofessional, I think that's empathy. It's sweet," Peter smiles. "If only everyone else felt that way..."

"Hey, man, if you need me, I'm here for you. What's been happening to you isn't fair, and if you wanna get mad-"

“It’s just so unfair!” he suddenly shouts, slamming his fists on the table. “Why do these things keep happening to me?!”

“That's it- stand for yourself! Don’t let your fear take over!”

“You’re right! I’ve been letting myself get walked on for too long!” Peter stands. “I’m going to confront Max and Scary and tell them exactly what’s on my mind!”

He storms out of the craft services tent and to the impromptu camera tent, where the Reality, Weekly crew is having their dinner break. Max and Scary are hovering around the group, using their lights to read through the notes. 

“I’m no scientist, but this all seems right to me,” Max says. “If your readings are correct, and your evidence can be held up in court, you definitely have a case.”

“I knew it!” Scary grins. “Chris McLean is SO going down!”

“MAX AND SCARY!” Peter shouts, pointing an accusing finger at them. The two look up from their notes and squint at him. 

“Great. What now?” Max mutters, crossing his arms. Scary hands him the notes and walks up to Peter, hands on her hips. 

“What’s the deal, pipsqueak?”

“The deal is that… that…” Peter quivers, a little unsure of himself, before he takes a deep breath and stands his ground. “You’re MEAN!”

“You’re RUDE. You’re EVIL!” he takes a step forward. “And you’re not even that much smarter than anyone else! We can ALL TELL!” 

Scary scoffs. “God, this is pathetic. You really think that-”

She takes a step closer and triggers a sudden hidden trip wire. The sound of twanging makes both her and Peter stop dead in their tracks and turn to the sound of fizzling under their feet. They both jump to the ground, covering their heads as a landmine goes off behind them- sending Max flying across camp and instantly disintegrating all of Scary’s notes. She watches the papers turn into ashes in horror. 

Chris chuckles, watching the display from afar. “Man, I love fireworks,”

---

A medical helicopter takes off, Max tucked inside. Scary is seething, fists clenched. 

“Well… that was fun,” Nadie says, waving goodbye to the chopper. 

Chris smiles. “Yes. Yes it was,”

"MONTHS of evidence- gone!" Scary turns to Peter. "You're dead. You're dead meat, and I'm gonna eat you!"

"Weird," O breathes, then turns his head to either side of him. "Hey- where'd Scruffy go?"

---

Scruffy remains in the confessional, wailing.

---

[cigarettesandinevitablebetrayal]

For that ask game, “yeah no, 'sorry' isn't going to cut it this time." And/or “it’s not your fault” (for two different ones or whichever you’re feeling more!) open to the OC(s) of your choosing!

Sorry for taking forever on this. This was a stupidly challenging couple of prompts. I've managed to get the one for "It's not your fault" done. I'll keep working on "Sorry isn't going to cut it this time" and reblog this with the finished piece.

Pairing: Cassandra (Remus)/Ricardo

Warnings: Dysphoria, Suggestive Themes, and Puppet-Based Lies

Ricardo laughs as Remus throws popcorn at the screen. It’s a good sound, rich and full and accompanied by a crinkle at his nose as Remus boos at the wooden actors they’re watching. “You’d never come up with such a good line,” he complains. “This movie’s writing is unrealistic.” He stops himself from wincing as the voice comes out higher than his own, reminding him sharply that he is not himself right now. He is Cassandra. Ricardo is laughing at her, smiling at her, not him.

“Hey, I’m incredible at banter,” Ricardo protests, lacing his words with hurt for the drama of it.

Remus shoves Ricardo’s shoulder, just enough for him to rock gently in his seat and when he leans back into Cassandra, he wraps an arm around her shoulder. “How would I know?” Remus huffs. A lie, but it’s bound to push Ricky’s buttons. Cassandra’s lips twist in a wry smile as Remus lines up the shot. “You could be saying anything out there fighting villains. It’s not like you take a mic out with you.” He gasps, widening his eyes to complete the effect. "Is that why you don't? So no one can know how bad your one-liners are?"

He turns to face her, turning those warm brown eyes and brilliant smile that makes Remus melt every time. How long has he wondered what it’s like to have that smitten look directed at him? To know what it feels like for Ricky to want him?

Pressing his hand to his chest, Ricardo pitches his voice up incredulously. “Are you calling me a liar, Reyes?”

It was a mistake to let him call Cassandra by her surname. Too close to his old nickname, too close to old memories, too easy to mistake her for himself. It makes Remus bold. That and the couple of beers he’s had tonight. He brushes some of Cassandra’s curls - so much like his, same color and texture but so much longer than he’s ever been able to grow his - out of her face. He raises her eyebrow imperiously, “I guess that depends on if you’re lying.” He leans forward, knowing that it lets Cassandra’s already low cut shirt sink lower. He’s close enough to Ricardo that he can smell the cologne he always wears around Cassandra. “Are you a good liar?”

Ricardo’s eyes flash down to Cassandra’s chest and back up. If Remus hadn’t been looking for it, he might have missed it. Ricky’s tongue darts out to wet his lips. His pupils are a little too wide.  Predictable as always. Ever the sucker for a pretty face and a good flirt.

“My mouth has many talents, I’ll have you know.” His grin is positively hungry. It makes Remus want to bite his lip, draw the hunger free from the smugness. “Lying, included.”

Remus slides Cassandra’s hand over the couch cushions and up onto Ricardo’s leg. He doesn’t take his eyes off Ricardo as he trails lazy circles across his inner thigh. He always did like to sprawl out. Leave himself open to anyone who might take advantage. People like Remus. And, by extension, like Cassandra. Ricardo’s eyes blow wide as Remus drags Cassandra’s manicured nails further up his leg. Not hard, just enough for Ricky to feel it through his trousers.

Remus doesn’t need his telepathy to see the way Ricky’s pupils blow wide. The way his lips part and his breath hitches ever so slightly. “I bet it does, Ortega,” Cassandra’s voice makes the words into almost a purr, pushes it past the threshold of suggestive and into the realm of the obscene.

He shouldn't do this. Agreeing to a movie night was bad enough - too close to their shared past. It’s too easy to fall into old habits, to be too comfortable. But he’s sitting closer to Ricky than he has in years, basking in the warm light of his deep brown eyes, sharing in the brilliance of his smile. So when Ricky leans in, close enough that Remus can feel the warmth of his breath, Remus’ heart skips a beat.

“Care to find out?” Ricky smirks, like the line’s something to be proud of.

Remus groans, but doesn’t lean away. “Dios, that was corny.”

Ricky opens his mouth, no doubt to defend himself, but Remus grabs the front of his shirt and drags him down. He tastes like popcorn butter and his terrible craft beers, but Remus doesn’t mind because he’s kissing Ricky. He’s kissing Ricky. He’s kissing the man he’s held a candle for as long as he can remember. Regardless of what he tastes like, it tastes like victory. Like coming home.

Ricky’s moans into his mouth and it takes all of Remus’ self-control not to melt into him. When Ricky’s hands grip his waist, he gasps, and lets Ricky slide him onto his lap without a fight. He cards his hands in Ricky’s hair, presses himself as close to Ricky as he can. He trails kisses across Ricky’s cheek, up his jaw, burying his nose in the curls behind Ricky’s ear.

He settles into the way Ricky’s touching him. Hands roaming down his sides until they slink around his hips, gripping his ass lightly. Remus sighs in contentment against Ricky’s neck before pressing open-mouthed kisses down the curve of it. Maybe he’ll leave a few bruises, just to piss off the Rangers’ PR team. Give the makeup department a little extra work in the morning. Leave something of himself behind for Ricky to carry.

He smiles when he hears the stutter in Ricky’s breath. It’s nice for the tables to turn, for him to be the one causing Ricky’s heart to race and breathe to catch. But it’s not enough. He wants more. Wants to feel Ricky want him, to hear the desperation for him. Remus grinds his hips down against Ricky, relishing in the feel of Ricky straining against his zipper.

Ricky grips him tighter, pulling him so close he can feel the rumble through Ricky’s chest as he groans, “Cassandra.”

Something hot and ragged rips through Remus’ chest, dragging a choked gasp from his throat. No, not his throat. Cassandra’s throat. He freezes, his eyes snapping open as the reality of the situation settles into his bones. The world goes quiet as Remus recenters himself, trying to shake the weight that’s dragging him further into the choppy waters of his heart, and he can just barely make out Ricardo’s voice.

“- Reyes…What’s wrong?” There’s worry in his voice, palpable even through the five walls between it and Remus’ mind. His hands are loosening their grip on Cassandra and he draws his head back to look at her. “Was it something I did?”

Remus shakes his head, fumbling off Ricardo’s lap. He presses his palms into his eyes. When did he start crying? He wipes away the tears furiously. “No, it wasn’t you,” and this time he doesn’t catch the wince at the sound of Cassandra’s voice. “I can’t do this.”

Ricardo reaches forward for a second, but drops his hands uselessly at his side. Every part of him looks tensed as though he wants to leap up and help. But he can’t. How could he? He doesn’t even know what’s going on. “I’m sorry.”

Remus laughs and it comes out high and hysterical and grows even more so as he hears it. He hugs Cassandra’s arms around her body, but it just highlights the differences, just makes him feel worse. “It’s not your fault.” And it’s not. It’s really not. It’s not fair to even pretend it is. Even if it would make Remus feel better. “It’s not. I promise.”

He stumbles to his feet, nearly slamming the back of his shins into the coffee table as he does. The pain brings a little more clarity to his mind and Remus clings to it like an anchor as he forces Cassandra’s feet towards the door. “I have to go,” he manages to choke out as he slips her heels back on.

“Cas- Reyes, wait!” And Ricardo is getting up to his feet, but Remus is already out the door. He’d always been the faster of the two. Funny. Just another thing he and Cassandra share.

He takes the stairs two at a time, not even bothering to look back as the doorman calls out a farewell in the lobby. If Ricardo follows him, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t care. Remus doesn’t stop running until he’s nearly home.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Heyo again! I wanted to say that your comics are lovely to read, Keep it up!

You don’t need to respond to this but I also want some advice from ya, its been pretty bumpy road for me on my art Journey, The good and the bad stuffs, I started drawing again in last year for almost 3 years and I have been improving my art style, I have a small but lovely followers on two social medias, I enjoy making that I love and even making my own artwork but sometimes I feel like I am not artist enough or interested enough, so I maybe ask you for some art advices? Any advice is fine but I want to do a story to draw and tell but I’m not good at writing or experience at least, I also want to start commissions if possible if anyone interested in my artworks but I don’t have a payments yet for now,

I probably search up these things but I want wanted someone who experience just before possibly

You might not understand this submitted question cuz I don’t know how to Express my thoughts and feelings if that makes sense, and you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to if this isn’t your thing, that’s all from me hope you have a good week

Hi bean! Sorry I'm replying so late! Don't worry, I think you were pretty clear in formulating your question!

I just am not sure if I'm the best person to answer or give advice on that because... I'm not that good an artist at all. I have trouble sticking to discipline, I only ever draw what I like without challenging myself too much unless I REALLY want to, and... Yeah. No wonder I'm at the tiny level I'm at in my 30s, to be honest. The only reason why my art ever gets positive reactions is because I happened to draw something that people liked enough, and even that is super dependent on timing and other factors. It's very tough to get noticed, so I've found, or if it IS easy, then I must be a bit dumb, because I haven't figured it out.

One thing that I feel HAS positively helped me a lot though, has been entering art challenges and contests, and there are plenty of those out there, which is good! If it's anything that can help me practice more towards my goals, then it's a good experience. Be it a writing challenge, a drawing challenge on a specific theme, a comic-drawing challenge or whatnot... Personally I find they always give me an opportunity to develop ideas in a way I like, and to end up with a final product which I don't necessarily always like, but which at least showcases my progress.

I really don't do commissions often because I don't need the money that much, so the extent of my experience goes to IRL stuff and iterances where someone has specifically seeked out a commission from me, so I'm also not the best at giving advice regarding commissions either TwT But if that's something you want, I'd really recommend to go for it! I set up a paypal account to receive payments when I was about your age for translation gigs, it's tough at the start but then it pretty much rolls off pretty easily, and I've only sworn by that, but I'm sure there's many other trustworthy options out there as well! (I really don't have that much experience in that sense, haha TwT)

But yeah... Also overall, I guess, no matter how hard impostor syndrome tends to hit when you're an artist, especially when you're still developing what you want to do and all, it's definitely important to actually go out there and show yourself out. Dare to say "Yeah, I make art, so I'm an artist, let me in on the artist scene." If you want to make art and show your art, overall, nobody has a right to tell you not to, or to tell you you're not an artist, no matter how much societal pressure there is against that. One's gotta have the courage to say they're an artist, or at the very least an aspiring artist, if they wanna be one, it's actually a key part of the process. (Arguably I haven't been good at it lately. I haven't put myself out there much for art gigs or challenges and whatnot. I should really go for it more.)

But yeah TwT Sorry, I feel like I've been writing a whole lot not to say that much, but I hope it's been a little helpful at least! Also from what I can see, and especially from the first years I've known you, your art already has improved a ton, so from my point of view, you're doing good! Don't give up, do your best not to be scared and to fight off that voice in you that tells you you're "not enough of an artist". And hopefully you can keep having fun drawing what you want to draw, that's super important, at the very least to me, I've kept swearing by that, whether what I like drawing is popular or not.

(PS: Listening to music and imagining situations to it and reading new comics that speak out to me are two surefire ways to get my inspiration going too, in case that helps!)

[rianafying]

i feel like we don’t talk enough about what it feels like to love someone you know is not the one for you. like i fully know that you and i will never be compatible, or work, and i don’t even wish for us to work, because that would require at least one of us to change, and i know better than to wish for that. but in this moment, much more than i yearn for you, i love you. and i guess it’s like that with love. or with intense little crushes that feel like love. i wonder if the word crush was invented because it feels like being crushed underneath the weight of your desires. i wish i wished you desired me. but it’s so unlikely, i don’t want to waste my wishes on something so impossible. but i did. at 11:11 earlier today, i was walking home through the park and without thinking i wished for him. what a waste of a wish, and i take wishing very seriously. because i always wish for things more thoughtfully, and i never wish for other people. for example the last time i wished at 11:11, i wanted to wish for him but instead i wished for he strength to deal with however things turn out with him, best case scenario being he contacts me, worst case scenario being he blocks me. and this was a much better wish than the one i made today. actually it’s more than just a waste of a wish. it throws of the balance in my universe. i’ve been extremely spiritual and weird lately, and i take this stuff very seriously. signs and wishes. i just. i’m a little sad that’s all. most of the time i’m fine knowing that this is unrequited but once in a while, it just sucks, unprompted. it’s not like i learned something new, and that this new bit of information has changed my perspective. it’s the same old story, that is harder to swallow at night.

my costar says “Today you’re worried that you’re cutting yourself off from new experiences and retreating into yourself. But some bad company needs to be avoided. If other people don’t tend to your needs, can you step up for yourself?”

humans are more inclined to take risks after a car crash than after a series of psychological defeats. Slow down. Try not to reject every suggestion.

This month, you are ready to take time to regenerate, recover, and care for yourself. This is a commendable move for someone who either undervalues or overvalues what they have. Don't waste time.

The general theme of your life during this period is to learn to appreciate restrictions in your life for the structure they give you. There are many ways to let people back into your life. When you are matter-of-fact about who you are, the space between expectation and disappointment collapses. You will not fall apart right now. A few fragments might splinter off, but you'll remain whole. The deeper you seek, the more is your wonder excited. There is a space between action and reaction. In that expanse lies your power to choose a response.

Try stepping outside your comfort zone. Scaring away anyone who challenges you only reveals your possessiveness.

This month, you are ready to practice noticing signs of boredom and find ways to unplug that restore your strength. This is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. Know your worth.

This month, you are ready to take time to regenerate, recover, and care for yourself. This is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. Take time to improve your relationship to your self-esteem. Use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.

You’re in a group, but you feel alone. No one seems to understand you. Maybe it's time to plant yourself somewhere new. Either way, don’t force yourself to stay in a situation that isn't feeding you.

Today you feel torn between the pressure to fit in and your love of unconventional relationships. It's good to challenge social expectations if that's what you need. Just make sure you're not doing that thing where you detach from people, and then start to believe that you're so different from everyone else. Discomfort and fear can be a signal that you're on the right track.

Your work this month is to dismantle your superiority complex. This is a big step for you, who believes every boundary was made to be broken. Stay feral.

Notice how what you think you lack makes you vulnerable.

Your vision has been clear regarding your romantic or creative life. There will be a chance opportunity that affects the fields of your natural talents. Try not to be too stubborn. Keep your eyes open.

This opportunity will see its beginnings in significant relationships where they meet with the ways you find joy. Keep an eye on projects you share with your partner, an affair, or a casual relationship becoming more serious.

Whether it’s fate or chance, now is the time to take advantage of anything that seems too good to be true.

wow this last bit is so on the nose, holy shit. i was kind of waiting for a solid sign or a push to reach out to him, this isn’t necessarily that push, but i’m definitely adding it to the list of small signs. i know he’s too good for me, yet he wanted me, yet he showed me kindness. you know, i don’t necessarily believe costar’s predictions because i don’t believe in future telling as a whole but i’ll be really happy if they’re right. i don’t want to take that leap, i have no faith. it’s too big of a jump to make. i have to be able to gauge how unrealistic it is. as cute as being delulu seems on tiktok, it’s pretty bad irl. especially when reality comes crashing down inevitably. there’s so much think about. is time running out? or do i need to be more patient. it’s always so difficult when dealing with lack of information, trying to read someone else’s mind. i have to remember it’s not about him. it’s not. it’s about my wants and needs, which will become bearable or fulfilled. i don’t want to chase someone. a love i have to beg for is not mine to keep. attention i have to fight for is not meant for me. whatever is meant for me, will not be so elusive.

as firmly as i believe that in this moment, there are times when i have doubts about the whole system. is there even such a things as meant to be, because that would mean believing in fate. who feeds fate, who influences fate. does fate think? does fate change its mind? is it weirdly too close to believing in god? as if god has anything to do with anything that happens to us. is everything random? this thought always scares me a little. i’m not my best self when u believe everything is random. but believing in fate gives it more structure, more harmony. even though it doesn’t change what happens. fate could be chaotic, and randomness could be organised, there is no way to know. what do i want and why do i want it? a lot of my recent wishes have come true. i wished to keep what i have, and for things to not get worse. things are not only not worse, they’re actually so much better? so hard to stomach the news. what i want is, for things to keep improving, not just stay where they are. slow and steady. i also want to not have so much worry in my heart. so much misery and restlessness. specifically, i want my health to improve, i want to have a clean room so i can work on my fashion collection and also have my friends over or to increase the chances of bringing my crush home, for dinner and drinks. i will be honest, i am trying to lose weight, but i’m trying to do it in a healthy way, like not starving myself, but it is hard to maintain the balance since i’m so much more familiar with spiralling rapidly into an eating disorder. i have these moments when i feel so ugly, and others when i feel pretty and they happen in a dizzyingly quick succession, but i rarely feel normal about the way i look. for the longest time it didn’t matter because i didn’t care about looking good. (even though it negatively affected my self esteem because i let myself go a little too much) but all of a sudden i do care. i want to be pretty. i want to be desirable to someone specific. which is so lame. because it’s like changing myself to be someone’s type, but so far what i’m changing is my literal health and wellbeing, fixing which is an objectively good thing to do, regardless of my reasons and intentions.

^all of that i wrote at 1am last night and now it is 2pm the next day. i’m less heartbroken more stressed about life and everything. whether im eating too much. also about my medication. one of my best friends just asked me if i wanted to go out for dinner tonight, and it’s a cheap place, but it felt like it wasn’t cheap enough? plus it’s all you can eat and i won’t be able to take advantage of that today as i’ve been trying to eat less lately. i should go on a day when im really hungry and actually want to eat a lot. also im broke, as always, so it’s hard to justify eating outside. i really need to get a job. omg now my friend wants to make dinner for me, i don’t deserve such kindness. i love my friends. there is good in the world. my faith has been restored.

it’s later in the day and i’m feeling angry and skeptical. maybe because i’m on a call w my dad. he’s literally so evil. so is my mother. now i’m just angry and worked up. it’s hard to be nice to them, it’s so unnatural, and it’s exhausting to be fake so they keep paying my tuition fees. anyway, yeah im bummed out. about a lot of things. i’m sick and im tired and im heartbroken, and i dont feel so good. i’ve been feeling pretty gross being covered in mucus all day, and also applying my meds and cling wrapping my limbs. my room isn’t getting cleaner from just wishing it. i have to actually do the cleaning. why can’t i be worthy of love and romance? why does it always end with me, alone in my room, scared of intimacy, wishing for a better life. it’s like i’m never happy, never content. how can i be? my body and brain hurt. my heart hurts. i like just one guy, after so long. and idek what i should do about it. if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. plus he’s so out of my league. like what am i even expecting will happen, it’s like having a crush on angelina jolie or something. entirely unrealistic. there is nothing there for me. i’m just so pissed at my parents actually. that is where all this negative energy is coming from. i just need to drink a lot of tea and gather my head. i wish i was perfect and my life was perfect and maybe this way, maybe my crush would want me back? idek him. i just like his face and energy and voice and vibe so far. i don’t know nearly enough about him but everything i do know has just been so good, like, how can someone be so perfect. and how could i be so far away from perfection.

it’s gonna be fine i’m gonna be fine. i was on the phone with a friend. another friend brought me dinner to my house. a delicious bowl of tofu and mushroom curry with rice. there is order and meaning to this universe. today was an emotional rollercoaster, but i’m going to be okay. hope has reentered the chat.