#about the politics and alliances with other countries to survive

[innocentimouto]

Snk ending was beyond awful, but are you satisfied with how Levi's story was concluded?

Ooh boy

No way.

Levi saluting his comrades and being the one to care for their sacrifices was so important, especially to those who think he doesn't care about anyone. His story about being the strongest and thus being cursed to watch everyone die except him followed him to the very end. There's much to explore about his self loathing, his upbringing that imprinted in him to believe he was only useful in strength----something that was always reinforced throughout his life---and to lose that strength, and lose purpose for that strength, when that was the only way of life he knew, and anyone who he could have tried to live a normal life with was dead----Levi fulfilling his promise to eradicate titans, his role as a hero and humanity's strongest actually ringing true---

Except it only makes sense if we ignore all the themes and plot points and just focus on trying to aesthetically end each character's story while ignoring the amazing writing that was there.

Why did no one else care about all the other scouts? Many died saving them. These characters only made it this far because the scouts gave their lives. But they only care about Sasha? What about Marco? You find out how he died but you can't see his spirit reaching peace? Wonder why...

Focusing more on Levi (I've delayed this so much because I keep drifting off into ranting about everything wrong with the ending), how could that be a satisfying ending for all of those deaths?

The scouts wanted to rid the titans from the world to SAVE THEIR HOME. To have a chance for the future generations. They died for nothing with that ending. How hilarious that at the end of it all it's Paradis that's stuck with a horrible history they need to atone for and not Marley who could have just left them.

Moreover, majority of the world was wiped out as well. How could they be happy?

Now the anime has never been that happy and has always been darker so the ending could still have been dark. Sometimes people die for nothing. But the way the fandom perceives this ending as "perfect" as in everyone would be content is just no.

They tried to have such a happy ending too! What was the point? Why not have kept it sad if you wanted to wipe out 80% of the world? What we got was Paradis turning completely evil and being a threat to the world.

Oh yeah the scouts died for nothing a hundred times over. Why was it necessary to make Paradis end like that? Why do animes always have genocides and then sneakily give reasons or try to give reasons that justify it?

Paradisians really were monsters. Now they want to wipe out the world. You could have kept Eren wiping out 80% (still doesn't make sense) but made Paradis good.

Of course that would remove the "both sides have done bad so there's no real villain here to punish war is war I guess" that is always used to justify removing consequences from oppressors. Both sides have evil and both sides can do wrong, but this anime went out of its way to make both sides do bad things even when it wasn't necessary.

If Paradis regretted or wasn't on Eren's side, and obviously after the Rumbling the whole world would fear them, we would see the racism and abuse against Paradis. And for some reason Isayama thought it was a mature theme to not paint anyone as a victim.

Anyway no way would Levi be content with it. He does have some sort of inner dialogue about it. But it contradicts his words to Eren in the manga about the world outside being hell. It also seems very unrealistic that he would think an ideal world would exist, especially since he probably had a rude awakening once getting out of the Underground.

Also it was hinted at for the longest time that Reiner and Bertholdt were sent from outside. So they have an enemy outside who's capable of taking down their walls. Obviously the world outside would have challenges.

Also it was Levi's job to take down Eren if anything went wrong. So many people seem to forget this. He also delayed in killing Zeke multiple times! Yes, for good reasons (I'm looking at you---people who say he was so obsessed with revenge yet would never kill Zeke for the sake of giving his side a better chance at surviving!), but that took Levi out of the game for a while, whereas if Zeke had been killed the Rumbling wouldn't have started.

How can Levi be content when his body count is much higher than Kenny? (so many thoughts on him too and how the fandom casually calls him a serial killer)

The problems go way back for me, though. The ending is just a product of all the writing issues until this point.

Levi's ending is decent what with all these issues, but I can't stand the ending in general. None of the emotional beats touched me at all. I was left upset and in shock of just how bad it was watching it.

[save-the-villainous-cat]

Heyyy idk if you've done this before but Maid x prince ( or any other monarch) but it's kinda smutty and angsty because they can't be together ❤️

She knew there was one thing he loathed more than dancing: social gatherings.

He bored himself to death when he had to talk to other people. When he had to pretend to be interested in others, when he had to smile and laugh all evening. He wasn't a very talkative person and he was certainly not a social one.

She knew that he could come across as harsh or cold but she was also aware of his many interests. And how passionate he could be about them.

However, she had not expected him to return this early.

She looked up from the bed she was making, fearing the worst. Although he didn't like it, these social gatherings were incredibly important to secure their country's alliances.

Admittedly, she was interested in politics and power. But she also knew her place.

"Are you alright, my lo-" She swallowed the my lord. He had asked her not to call him that quite a while ago. But old habits were hard to kill for her. "Are you alright?"

The prince looked at her, exhaustion painted all over his face.

"...no," he admitted. He was always someone who buried his true feelings and replaced them with indifference. Today, he seemed frustrated enough to start crying.

The maid's heart clenched in her chest.

"If there is anything I can do for you-" She walked up to him and took his hands.

She knew what they had been doing for the last weeks wasn't right. She knew they weren't supposed to do the things they did, but...she couldn't help it. She loved him. And she didn't want this man to fall apart.

They had spent their entire childhoods together and for some reason, he only smiled when he was with her.

The maid couldn't watch her prince, her friend turn into someone callous. He was too important to her for that.

"I'm tired," he said. He gave her hands a little squeeze and kissed her temple before he was heading for the bed. "I wish you could join me next time. You make these things bearable."

"I think it would be quite strange to let your maid join you," she said. She watched carefully as he took off his clothes.

"I wish it wasn't," he said. "I can't help it, I am not good at it. Whenever I see so many people in one room, the world starts to spin. I loathe it. I loathe what they are talking about. Do they seriously think I care for their dog? Or their third cousin? Do they think I actually enjoy their presence?"

Good heavens, he was almost naked.

He slowly crawled under the blankets but he kept talking.

"What about literature? What about warfare? Are these people not interested in anything?" He groaned. "My head started to hurt as soon as I had to dance. Horrible. I left as soon as I could."

He was laying down, head buried in a pillow. His entire back was exposed. The maid could see a few scars she recognized. One time, he had fallen from his horse. Another, he had survived an assassination attempt. There were other scars she didn't recognize.

She wished she could name every single one. She wished she could know him so thoroughly that she wouldn't have to read his lips to know what he desired.

The maid walked up to him and kneeled beside the bed. Her hand went through his hair a couple of times before she sat down on the edge of the bed.

"It may seem irrelevant to you but appearing to be interested in someone's family or dog can be quite helpful. It's even better if you remember those details. You need to know your allies. You need to maintain good relations." Her gaze stayed on a new scar. Absentmindedly, she let her fingertips follow it.

He shivered.

"Forgive me," she whispered. But all he did was turn around and take her hands into his again.

"Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if our roles were reversed. If you were a princess and I was your knight..." He kissed her knuckles and her heart started to pound. Witnessing his softness was a privilege exclusively reserved for her. Sometimes, he really made her feel like a princess. "You understand all of this so well."

"The court was a good teacher, I suppose," she said. "Books can only get you so far."

That made him smile.

"Are you doubting your prince's way of education?"

"Well, he is misanthropic. So something must have gone wrong," she said. She seized the opportunity to get on top of him and focus on some other scars on his chest. Somehow, she ended up with her palm pressed against his chest right where his heart was.

"Still beating?" he asked. The joke didn't really come across though. She had stopped counting the many instances where she had had to tend to his wounds.

"Still beating," she said. His eyes didn't leave her.

"I don't think I will ever get married unless you are my bride," he said softly.

Instead of answering, she leaned in and kissed him. Deep down, she knew he couldn't afford that. In his world, the court and politics had no real meaning. But she knew it dictated all their lives, especially his future marriage. He was a quiet dreamer.

But some couldn't even dare to dream.

So, she kissed him softly. Kissed him until she could swallow her own tears and forget about all her worries.

[determinate-negation]

and why are israelis talking about going to china like its a threat

“Rosenfeld arrived in China with one of his brothers, but did not integrate into the Jewish community in the city. His political leanings led him to seek out the local Communists, as did a small group of other Jews. The latter included the reporter, Hans Shippe, who greatly influenced Rosenfeld’s views, and the Jewish-Austrian physician, Richard Frey, who had experiences similar to those of Rosenfeld. The Chinese Foreign Ministry website, which provides added proof of the country’s great respect for Rosenfeld, posted an article that quotes him as saying that he did not come to China to lead a comfortable life, but that he came to join the revolution. And he did in fact do that.

[…] The Chinese Communists considered Rosenfeld one of their own. He was close to the highest-ranking officials in the party, including Liu Shaoqi, who would later become the President of the People’s Republic of China after Mao Zedong’s death, and to Mao himself. He also forged a deep friendship with the Communist commander, Chen Yi, who would later go on to become the Mayor of Shanghai and Foreign Minister of China. The two shared a love of literature and poetry, took hikes together, and had long conversations in French. Chen Yi also wrote poetry, and an anthology of his writings includes a “Letter to Comrade Rosenfeld,” in which Chen Yi supports the decision made by his friend, the European doctor, to join the struggle of the People’s Army of China.

Rosenfeld believed that the Communist Party would free the Chinese people from both the Japanese invaders and the Kuomintang. In 1942, he became a member of the Chinese Communist Party, and he is still considered a national hero in China.

At the end of 1949, after the People’s Republic of China was founded, Rosenfeld decided to return to Vienna. His Chinese friends advised him to remain in China, claiming that Europe no longer had a place for him. But Rosenfeld wanted look for relatives who had survived the Holocaust. At a farewell dinner held for him before going back to Austria, Chen Yi spoke about his friend’s huge contribution to the revolution and awarded him a badge of merit.

After a short time in Austria, Rosenfeld tried unsuccessfully to return to China. He also tried to emigrate to the United States, but was denied a visa due to his ties with Communist China. In 1951, he moved to Israel, settled in Tel Aviv, and worked at Assuta Hospital. It appears that he was actually waiting for a visa to return to China, but within less than a year he died of a heart attack at the age of only 49.”

and he didnt even want to move to israel. zionism and its alliance with antisemitic movements (like american anticommunism) is the negation of the diaspora. slightly tangential to this post but the red scare disproportionately targeted jewish americans. post war us jewish institutional leaders choose to move to the right in their dedication to israel and support for the us government, betraying socialist and anti zionist american jews

[tiny-pretty-sana]

push and pull | jeongyeon x jihyo

[request 1] [request 2] pairing: jeongyeon x jihyo genre: plot with smut and a bit of angst warnings: nsfw (+18), minors dni, men dni tags: ceo!jeongyeon, ceo!jihyo, service top!jeongyeon, rival relationship, enemies to lovers (kinda?), betrayal, happy ending, other twice members w/c: 18.4 k a/n: first time writing smut, i'm nervous!! i'm also nervous bc i made jeongyeon a woman in stem and i'm not so i just used big words randomly. i tried to turn those requests into this and i hope i made justice to what you had in mind even though it took me longer way than i expected. feel free to leave any comments, feedback or suggestions 🖤

"You could have sent me a message" is the first thing Jeongyeon says to the woman who just entered her office bowing ninety degrees with a serious face. "This better be important, Mina-ssi, no one should see you enter this building" she says, warning the young woman.

She just nods as she looks for the right words thinking about the dialogue she has been practicing in her head since she decided to address this issue face to face without intermediaries. At first she hesitates, but decides to be clear instead of beating around the bush.

"Excuse me Jeongyeon-nim, but I think this will interest you" she finally speaks and the other waves her hand inviting her to sit across the table of her huge office, making her take a seat immediately before continuing. "ZoneTech is starting to work on video games."

As soon as those words leave her mouth, the Signal Systems CEO's face changes and her body takes on a different posture, her jaw tightens and her fists clench tightly. On the other side of the big desk Mina, analyzing her every move, notices her obvious frustration. For a few seconds she remains silent waiting for any question or comment from the other woman, but this one, who is somewhere between surprise and anger, does not utter a single sound beyond a breath that deepens and accelerates as the rage invades her. This is a personal attack. It’s not the first time something like this has happened; after all, this whole war has been going on for more than half a century.

In 1942, friends and partners in business, Yoo Byungho and Park Youngho, opened a home furnishings store. At that time, the country was going through difficult times with the Japanese occupation and the subsequent Korean War that led to so many years of political instability, but thanks to Yoo's creativity and Park's sales skills, the business not only survived but grew from a humble store to a small and promising company. In the early 1960s, a new era of prosperity would come for the country and for these entrepreneurs as well when they expanded the business importing and selling  household appliances, founding Zone Systems. Unfortunately, due to constant disagreements between Yoo Byungho and Park Youngho, this pioneering company would not reach its fifth anniversary, as the partners broke their alliance and created Signal Systems and ZoneTech, respectively. Against all odds, taking different paths was the key to success for both.

Today, Signal Systems and ZoneTech have established themselves as the most important companies in the country, having a great influence on economic, political and cultural development. Despite the impressive achievements of each of them individually, it is impossible to talk about one without mentioning the other, the reason for this is not the shared origins but the numbers, data and rankings always place one behind the other with slight difference, if one year the market has been dominated by ZoneTech, it is most likely that the following year those numbers will be surpassed by Signal Systems. If you ask any technology expert, economic expert or ordinary consumer which brand is better, the answer will never be unanimous.

And it is a really complex answer since both cover the same businesses such as consumer electronics, technology, finance and, in recent years, have incorporated entertainment. The only thing that makes them different is that SignalSystems is known for creating and using the most advanced technology always wrapped in the most sophisticated designs, while ZoneTech stands out for making that technology accessible to the general public with more affordable prices and more practical designs.

This is how a disagreement between partners has now become a war between the largest South Korean business groups, a battle that has been going on for six decades and in which four generations of the Yoo and Park families have already participated. A dispute that is now at its peak since the great-granddaughters of the two businessmen, Yoo Jeongyeon and Park Jihyo, took over as CEO, and, like their ancestors, they were friends before they were rivals.

"How do you know?" is the first thing she asks.

"Well, as you know I am a programmer. This last month they have been doing individual interviews to workers from each of the departments telling us that they are looking for new ways to organize the work teams according to our interests, aptitudes and skills, since they want to release different products next year and they need the highest efficiency" she begins to explain confusing Jeongyeon, who doesn't quite understand what Mina is trying to say with all of this. Still she listens to her carefully trying to get answers.

"At first they were normal questions about our work interests and whether we had hobbies related to our work, but when I mentioned my liking for video games they seemed interested. The questions started out generic... what kind of video games I play and so on, but then they asked me if I think the company would have the capacity to create their own games and if I would be interested in working on that hypothetical project" she seems to conclude.

The CEO, with an increasing anger, gets up from the desk without knowing what to do with her hands and tries to calm down her nerves before speaking "I want information, I want data and I want documents that prove what you tell me, that's what I pay you for, not for you to come to me with assumptions''. At no time she raises her voice, but her tone is stern and threatening, although not enough for the programmer to lose her signature serene demeanor.

"I know, that's why I didn’t come until now" she replies "I was handed this morning" she says as she takes a folder out of her briefcase and puts it on the table.

Seeing that it is a folder with the orange logo of the rival company neatly printed and partially covered by a red and black stamp warning that it is confidential information, she returns to her chair and takes the papers in her hands. A quick read is all it takes for Jeongyeon to come to the same conclusion as her informant "ZoneTech is going to create a video game" she mutters to herself. As she reads her jaw tightens again and her fists clench the pages until she stands up and begins to scan each page. When she has a copy of the thirty pages that make up the document, she places them back in the folder and returns it to its owner.

"You may leave, Mina-ssi" is the last thing her boss says and she does what she is told, taking the folder and her briefcase, not without bowing before walking through the door.

Once she is alone in her office, she goes through the papers again, this time more carefully and without losing detail. Unlike Park Jihyo, she does get involved in the development process of many products, as both her hobbies and her studies have always leaned towards engineering and programming and not on business and economics like her rival. In fact, the ten video games that have been released in the last three years under the Signal Games brand were Yoo Jeongyeon's own idea and creation, who saw an opportunity in this market in which the company never dared to venture before. Perhaps this is why she gets the best of her for the first time and grabs the phone.

"Dahyun-ssi, I need the usual apology basket for Miss Im, but this time write ‘thank you’ on the card" she asks her secretary.

Just a few meters away from the door of her office, Kim Dahyun tries to hide her surprise and takes note of the instructions given by her boss "Okay, you will have the basket ready in an hour. Should I also add the usual bouquet with flowers that mean friendship, or would you rather I also exchange them for thank yous?"?"

"Mhm… good point, Dahyun-ssi, I hadn't thought of that. Use both of them and add some blue if possible, I trust you. When it's ready, send everything to her home and also free up my schedule for the rest of the day. Thank you very much."

Of course, the favor she asks to her longtime best friend, Nayeon, costs her more than a basket of her favorite foreign snacks, three packages of the best meat on the continent and of course the latest model of the Signal System cell phone. ₩ 10 billion for his next movie is exactly what it costs her. That is the price of Jihyo's personal phone number. For anyone else it would be crazy, but for the CEO, who was putting her friend in such a compromising situation after the latter had for years stayed out of the fights between them, the price seems more than reasonable.

The negotiation was not easy, but as soon as Nayeon had the basket on her doors and the first payment for the financing for her next film project, Jeongyeon received a message with the phone number. Minutes later, at the other end of the Central Business District, Park Jihyo smiles with satisfaction when her phone lights up with the name: Yoo Jeongyeon.

"I was waiting for your call, Jeongyeon-ssi" is what Jeongyeon hears after a single tone.

"Then I'll save the explanations, I have an offer. It will have to be face to face and just the two of us. As soon as possible. I want neither intermediaries nor interveners."

"Where will we meet? You know perfectly well that if we are seen in the same building the effect on the stock market would be immediate, but if we do it in secret and the press catches us it will be all over the news making all kinds of assumptions and spreading all kinds of rumors. And I don't think your father would like that, would he?" she says with a sarcastic and mocking tone.

"Jihyo-sunbaenim, I'm not for your stupid games right now" she says with a tone that denotes that her patience at the moment is at its limit. "I'll take care of the place, it will be neutral, casual and public enough so as not to raise more suspicion than is necessary. Try to keep it discreet and of course don't wear or bring anything that would imply that this is a business related meeting" she makes clear with a serious tone that only provokes Jihyo more to keep pushing Jeongyeon's buttons.

"And why would you and I be in one place if not for work?" she says with obvious sarcasm in her tone that doesn't go unnoticed by the other one. 

"We can just be some old friends getting together to catch up" as soon as she says that a loud and snarky laugh is heard but no words precede it, so she keeps talking. "I'll send you the address, see you there" she declares.

"Wait!" she says before she can cut the call "Did you have my contact saved or did your spy give it to you?" she adds but before she gets an answer she hears a few beeps indicating that the call has ended.

That’s how the first private conversation the two have had in four years ends, a conversation that leaves both of them with such a strange feeling. It's not as if they haven't spoken during all this time, they have actually crossed some words on more than one occasion during all kinds of events acting as complete strangers with empty words without any purpose beyond showing a cordial and polite relationship in front of colleagues, business partners, politicians and the press. Now, although the conversation was brief and straight to the point it felt personal somehow with the warnings, the sarcasm and the challenging undertones of the conversation that is never present or at least not so obvious in the formal and aseptic talks they usually have in front of others.

It was almost like going back to that usual bickering between the two that used to annoy Nayeon during their high school years when the three of them were inseparable friends. However, the difference was that this time it did not come from playfulness but from the current hostility that exists between the two businesswomen.

There was a time when things were different. It had always been Jeongyeon and Nayeon until the first week of their senior year when they were approached by a short girl with big bright eyes that introduced herself to Jeongyeon even though they both perfectly knew well who the other was and with determination told her that she would be as good or better then her. From that day their friendship but also a friendly competition between the three of them began. By the middle of the school year, Jihyo had already surpassed the highest grades and top scores in all the clubs and sports that up to then belonged to his unnies Nayeon and Jeongyeon.

This situation, far from distancing or confronting them, made them get closer and become great friends. Despite the rivalry that had marked the relationship between their families, Jeongyeon did not mind because she expected the new students to beat records and records just as she had done since she arrived. On the other hand, Nayeon enjoyed having someone as competitive as her while Jihyo did not really care as she considered Jeongyeon her greatest competition and example to follow because, like her, she would inherit a big company and had to be as good as her. This was not the case with Nayeon, who, although she had an impressive academic record like the other two, she was the daughter of an actor and a writer, so outside of school their competition was a simple game with no major meaning for both of them.

Needless to say, many things have changed over the years and nothing is the same now. Nayeon has been there for both of them as a friend, confidant partner in crime and sometimes even as a wingwoman, but they are no longer '3mix' as they used to call their small squad. Now they are just Nayeon and Jeongyeon on one side and Nayeon and Jihyo on the other.

Two days after the call, the two find themselves staring defiantly at each other in one of the best restaurants in the city. The older one arrived early and was already seated in a more distant and private corner of the establishment when Jihyo arrived led by some waiter. As soon as he left, they exchanged a cordial greeting and the first words.

"So a restaurant," is the first thing Jihyo says with a provocative smile as she takes a seat.

"Can you think of anything better? I thought you usually like my ideas quite a bit" she replies immediately without thinking much and as soon as those words leave her mouth she regrets it, she has come here to look for solutions not to make the whole situation worse.

"It's not a complaint, but don't think that by inviting me to dinner I'll take you up on your offer" she replies in the same defensive tone.

Jeongyeon rolls her eyes at Jihyo's unassertive attitude, although she understands that she herself has not been very welcoming so far. They haven't even ordered yet, so there's still time to change the course of the conversation and the dinner, so she intends to do her best to leave this restaurant with a closed deal and not a fight that will make the problem grow even bigger. And she knows for a fact that falling for Jihyo's games will only make things worse.

As if the waiter had heard her thoughts, he appears with the menu giving them a chance to make a fresh start and forget the little run-in they had just a few seconds ago. They both take it, thanking the waiter and strat going through the expensive and exclusive dishes, looking up from time to time to stare at each other, as if making sure that they are really at the same table about to share a dinner, just the two of them with no one else around. The last time they did something like this was so long ago that it seems like a dream, as if those memories are not theirs. Jeongyeon looks at her trying to read her, long ago a single grin, frown or sneer was enough to guess her mood or if something was on her mind, but now it almost feels like the person in front of her is a complete stranger.

Jihyo is no longer the enthusiastic, competitive, playful but insecure and innocent teenager who used to call her unnie with those big bright eyes, those cheeks that made you want to pinch them and her characteristic long brown hair. Now she has an ambitious and confident woman in front of her, still with reminiscences of her playful personality, it is obvious that she still likes to play games, but they are not innocent anymore.

She knows what she wants and does whatever it takes to get it, that is something she has made that clear to Jeongyeon these past years with her mind games, strategies and foul play. The sparkle in her eyes has disappeared and they are no longer so expressive, the gaze is cold and she feels like she is analyzing each and every one of her moves. Her appearance seems to have changed according to her personality, it is obvious that she looks much more mature, she is now a 26 year old woman, but it is not only the passing of time, her look is also a statement.

Her hair is shoulder-length, a little longer than hers, and dyed black. Her features are more defined and her jaw is sharp, her characteristic cheeks have disappeared with age, but her mole is still on the tip of her nose. Actually, her whole body is much more defined even though the black blazer style dress she wears covers her arms, Jeongyeon got a glimpse of her toned and tanned legs before she sat down.

"You look great, Jihyo-sunbaenim" she compliments her to break the ice and tries to show that she didn’t come here looking for a challenge or a fight.

This catches the younger one off guard, surprising her, none of the thousand scenarios of the encounter she has been creating in her head these days had prepared her to receive a kind comment from Jeongyeon that seemed sincere. She has always been a person with a cold and distant attitude, saying nice words, giving or receiving displays of affection is not her thing, or at least it wasn't. Maybe she has changed too, Jihyo thinks to herself.

"You too, you look good, Jeongyeon-ssi" she replies with a small smile without showing her teeth and takes the liberty to tease. "I see your style has been refined, I hope your dad didn't have to burn your sweatshirts like she used to promise."

The comment makes them both relax and the tension dissipates slightly with their soft laughter, for a moment they seem to know each other and it’s like nothing has happened between them just for a few seconds.

When they were teenagers and were forced to attend all types of social and business related events, it was common to see Jeongyeon wearing a sweatshirt among the elegant women's dresses and the boring men's suits. That always annoyed her father, but also the young Jihyo who would always lectured her about the importance of etiquette and reminded her that in the future she would be the heiress of an important company, so she should dress like one.

Now Jeongyeon is in front of her and still keeps a somewhat more casual style than expected from the CEO of one of the biggest South Korean companies with her blonde highlights in some parts of her hair and her characteristic tomboy style, now much more sophisticated. Black pants, a beige shirt with a brown turtleneck sweater underneath. Comfortable and discreet, but it really suits her.

Jihyo shakes those thoughts out of her head when the taller one asks if she would like to have the same wine as her. Usually, Jihyo would order a beer, but in a restaurant like this it's more suitable if she orders wine, especially when Jeongyeon points out the wine she chose would go very well with her meat. It kind of hurts her pride but she knows she is right.

After the waiter takes their order they continue a conversation so superficial that they will surely forget it before dessert, however they do not take their eyes off each other analyzing and memorizing every movement, no matter how subtle it may be. It is not until they drink their second glass of wine that Jihyo dares to talk about the reason that has brought them here, or rather to ask what it is.

"I’m guessing you didn't invite me to dinner to talk about wine," Jihyo says with a slightly sarcastic tone. "What's that offer you mentioned? It must be very interesting for you to have dared to call me and even put Nayeon-unnie in the middle of it."

At this Jeongyeon nods "Always straight to the point, some things never change" she says receiving a shrug in response. "Well let's get down to business then...". She takes a a long sip and says "Forget about video games and in return Signal Entertainment will disappear from the industry with the only condition that the group becomes part of your company, with no cost, those girls have worked hard and are succeeding, it wouldn't be fair to them" she states in the shortest and most concise way possible.

For the first time since they sat down, Jeongyeon can read Jihyo's expression, the surprise on her face is more than obvious, but it soon changes to one of satisfaction. Her strategy was working like a charm, even much better than she expected.

"I knew the video game thing would get you to react right away, but I have to admit I'm getting more than I intended" she says amused "Actually some things never change, you're still the same nerd you were in high school" she laughs.

"Do we have a deal then?" she asks, ignoring her remark.

"Not so fast. If I remember correctly your Itzy girls debuted a year after ZoneMusic debuted StrayKids...if we brought our own video games to market we'd be balancing the scales don't you think?" she says, unable to help grinning. "Why would I turn down the chance to beat you on your own ground?" she adds defiantly.

"I didn't want to get to this part of the deal, but if you don't accept it I will file a lawsuit against ZoneTech for plagiarizing our technology and using it in your products on more than one occasion."

"I didn't know you were capable of taking risks, it seems that there are also things that change" she says completely carefree and even amused, for her this is a game, but for Jeongyeon it is not.

"I promise you I don't want to do it, but if necessary I will go all the way because it's a won case."

"You seem very confident, you know the best law firms would fight over the case and it wouldn't stay in court. It would be all over the media and it would end up becoming a public trial."

"I know, and that's why I want to avoid it. The evidence is more than obvious, without getting too technical, your products have always come out later and I have proof that you have spies in my company."

At this last statement, Jihyo lets out a wry laugh "You say that as if you don't have your own spies lurking around my company, in fact we are here because of one of them, aren't we?"

"I don't know, can you prove it?" challenges Jeongyeon. "Because I have recordings and audios that prove that discarded programs, software and designs have been stolen from me and then used by your company" as she says this, thebCEO can see her rival's face change even though she tries to hide it as best she can. "I have more than enough with the information, I don't need my... informants to steal and if they did I would like to think they would do it better than this girl, I don't know if you are familiar with the name Son Chaeyoung, short, dyed black her and plenty of tattoos."

Of course she knows who the girl she is talking about is, the same way she knows that Myoui Mina is the one who gave her the video game information, but there is no way to prove it since that information was shared with fifty other workers. Fortunately for Chaeyoung, Jeongyeon has better plans for her if Jihyo accepts her offer, her work as a designer is so good that she intends to come to an agreement with her before she ends up working for ZoneTech, but unfortunately for Park Jihyo, the tattooed girl is not so good when it comes to computer science, espionage and keeping secrets. Chaeyoung was recently caught on the servers floor trying – unsuccessfully – to steal a software program, and who caught her was none other than Minatozaki Sana, ZoneTech's receptionist, but a computer scientist and shadow informant for Signal Systems.

According to the Japanese woman, despite her boss Yoo's request not to go into details, she only needed to unbutton a couple of buttons on her shirt and a couple of innuendos for the short girl to end up on her bed showing her all her tattoos and confessing to her what a designer was doing with a laptop and a bunch of cables on the server floor in an attempt to impress her.

This same story, although omitting quite a few details, is what Jeongyeon tells Jihyo to show her that she is not playing a game and that she is totally being serious, but Park is stubborn and the conversation continues until dessert arrives. The older one assures her that any judge would eventually be on her side, she even invites her to check with her own lawyers before giving her an answer. She also assures her that she would not like to have to solve it in court because it would be a long and tedious process for both of them regardless of who wins. She reminds her of the fuss that would be caused and that the legal process itself would be nothing compared to having the media on their backs for months digging up dirt of the company, their family and even personal issues that may or may not be a lie would come into play. And in this sense, they both know that it would only be enough for their personal interests to be exposed for their public image and status to be seriously damaged.

Jihyo is confident that she could get some good lawyers and the possibility of a billion won lawsuit does not worry her; however, the damage it could cause to the company's image and her family's legacy and especially the work her father did, worries her and is what makes her consider Jeongyeon's words. If the theft of information and espionage were to come to public knowledge, she should prepare herself for the worst.

"Think about it, Jihyo-ah," Jeongyeon says, dropping the formalities, once again rendering the other speechless, she just takes a sip of her wine instead. "I know I have no right to ask you to trust me, but we were once friends and I wouldn't want this senseless family war to continue for another sixty years."

"And your way of ending it is to sue me?" she says in disbelief.

"It's not like that, I've offered you a deal that you know would benefit both of us. You've always loved music as much as I love video games, we both win".

All of this is not enough to convince her when she does not trust the person in front of her, there is something that makes her distrustful, it seems all too simple to end four years of hatred between them. Why now? Why all of a sudden? Is this all about stupid video games or are they just a way to build bridges between companies? Is this all a strategy? Is this all a strategy? are some of the questions that go through her mind.

"How do I know I can trust you?".

"First of all, Nayeon-unnie would finish me off if I tried to hurt you, carrying out the lawsuit would mean ending a friendship of over 20 years. But if that's not enough to convince you, I can show you all the evidence I could present against you, so you can see that I'm serious about this. Obviously it would be stupid to give them to you since I would be helping you prepare a good defense, but if you come to my place I will show everything to you. Even the security videos and recordings of Son Chaeyoung. You just have to set a day for me."

"I want to see them now," she replies resolutely.

This time it is Jeongyeon who is caught by surprise, she did not expect to receive such an immediate response. It is rushed but true to her word, Jeongyeon pays for the luxurious dinner and they both leave the restaurant catching some curious glances and hearing some murmurs in the background.

"I guess you didn't come driving in those heels" says Jeongyeon as she looks up and down her perfectly sculpted legs "I can give you a ride and then I'll have someone drive you back to your house". 

She takes some time to actually give her an answer. Under normal circumstances, Jihyo wouldn't accept the favor as she prefers to do things her own way, but under normal circumstances she wouldn't be going to her former friend's house on a Friday night either, so she agrees and they both leave in the same car after Jihyo gives her driver and bodyguard the night off.

The drive to Jeongyeon's house is longer than expected but they barely exchange a few words and just stare at the road while listening to music. The music is soft, perfect for driving at night. The volume is loud enough so that they don't have to engage in conversation, but none of them are able to pay attention to it when all they are able to hear are their own thoughts. They have met again, they have talked after a long time, the deal, the lawsuit… but also the compliments, the teasing and the bickering. There are so many things to think about and so many feelings to process, they don't even know how they feel about what's going on. 

At last they arrive, Jeongyeon's house, unlike hers, is on the outskirts of the city, in one of the most expensive districts of the capital, although her own luxurious duplex apartment in the city center probably cost the same as this huge, modern house. It really suits her, Jihyo thinks as she gets inside, led by the taller one. She's never been much of a sociable person, but she doesn't like to be isolated either, and though she may boast a simple lifestyle, she wouldn’t give up the comforts that her family's money and status have brought her. After all, that is how they both grew up and it is all they know. It is in an area away from the hustle and bustle of the city but not far away you can see luxurious homes and the occasional mansion. The interior as well as the exterior has a modern and contemporary design with the newest and most advanced technology in every corner from the living room to the kitchen where they are now.

"Beer right?" she asks, earning a confused look from Jihyo, when they were friends she wasn't old enough to drink and lately they hadn't shared any context casual enough for her to know about her fondness for beer. Jeongyeon seems to read her mind and while opening the fridge she simply says "The cans that Nayeon-unnie keeps in her fridge" she clarifies, of course that was it, although the two pretend the other doesn't exist on a daily basis, when they are spending time with their friend sometimes it is inevitable that she briefly mentions the other or or remember her existence, especially when there is a space in Nayeon's fridge reserved exclusively for the beers and soju she usually drinks with Jihyo.

Despite cutting off any personal relationship between them, they have never stopped being present in each other's lives either for work or for their best friend. A fact that makes Jeongyeon's decision decisive, this situation must end no matter what, we can't go on fighting all our lives.

She offers her the beer and instructs her to follow her to her office, once there she asks her to turn around to open the strongbox where she has all the evidence she would use in case the lawsuit goes through. When she is able to look again she finds before her a series of folders stacked one on top of the other rising about 20 centimeters above the table, several hard drives and also CDs. Jihyo assumes that they are actually the same contents in different formats, knowing the cautious nature of the woman next to her, it is an assumption but also a wish. In front of her is what could bring her career, her company, her family and her legacy to an end. It is at this exact moment and without yet diving into the documents that she becomes fully aware of the gravity of the situation.

She could try to defend herself against every attack and will do so if necessary, but she is not so arrogant as to think she would come out unscathed. She knows full well that the damage it would cause would be fatal even if she could strike back with every blow, and that would mean the end for ZoneTech and for Signal Systems as well.

"Go ahead, take a seat" Jeongyeon invites her knowing that she is in full control of the situation right now.

"Can I see everything?" she says looking directly at Jeongyeon and from the expression on her face, Jeongyeon doesn't know if she is genuinely asking her permission or if she is testing her to see if this is not some trick.

"If you're going to go through all the documents, I guess we'd better get comfortable. Let's go to the living room."

So that is what they do. After reaching an agreement for Jihyo to leave their cell phones away from her, they both get comfortable in the living room, each one with a beer in one hand and several folders in the other. Although the tension is not the same as it was at the beginning of the evening, neither one of them trusts the other, the tension is in the air. Jeongyeon, in addition to making Jihyo leave her cell phones in another room, doesn't take her eyes off her and the latter can't help but look over the documents to see what the other is doing.

From time to time Jihyo, not being well versed in the subject, asks Jeongyeon some questions and she has no problem in resolving her doubts. Soon they open the second beer and between the questions and the occasional accusation of plagiarizing each other's products and marketing strategies on both sides, they also start to mention some anecdotes from the past and on occasion they share things about their current life without going into details.

It's getting later and later, but the activity, conversation and beers keep them going for the time being. Jeongyeon is actually taken by surprise by Jihyo's determination, she is really willing to read every single document, she is already on the fourth folder and still has three more to go plus videos, recordings and images. The older one could leave the other one going through everything alone while she does something other than look at her while attentively reading documents with a frown on her face, making the same expression that appears on her face when she tastes food she likes, just like she did sometime during dinner and a few hours ago with the first sip of beer.

She could give her space, but at the end of the day, it's not as awkward as she'd hoped but she also knows she has to be cautious because any misstep could ruin everything. And, although she'd never admit it, she'd rather be talking and catching up by pretending for a moment that their friendship never broke up, rather than explaining stuff about technology on a Friday night after two glasses of wine and a few cans of beer.

"Are you really planning to read the whole thing? Aren't you tired?" she asks with honest concern.

"If you want me to leave, just say so," she says, finishing the can of beer in one gulp. "But I need to know what I'd have to deal with. I don't think you'd be thinking about sleeping either if you were in my situation."

"That's not what I mean, I mean if you're not tired of all this – aren't you tired of trying to outdo me at everything?"

At this unexpected question Jihyo just bursts out laughing "Oh my god, I didn't have you down as someone this self-centered. Do you really think this whole situation is about me trying to prove I'm better than you?"

"Well I think it's pretty obvious, in fact, if memory serves me correctly, the first thing you told us after saying your name to us is that you would be as good as us in everything. Soon after that I remember you had the highest grades in high school and beat our records in soccer, archery and athletics" as Jeongyeon recalls, on the other side of the couch, Jihyo looks at her in disbelief frowning and holding the bridge of her nose while listening to her. "I know that was like a game, it was our thing and you outdid me in everything, but we are adults now, we can't be playing games or fooling around. I think it's time to accept that this isn't getting anywhere, no one is winning here."

"Are you drunk already or are you still just as dense?" is what comes out of Jihyo's mouth almost unconsciously and she instantly regrets it and takes a breath before starting over. "Sorry that came out harsher than I intended. What I mean is that you haven't really changed, have you? You've always understood numbers, computers, video games and all that like no one else, but when it comes to people..."

"What do you mean?"

"This has never been about me trying to be better than you or beating you, well now it is but it's not about you, it's about doing my job and keeping my company at the top" she states and adds “and certainly the fact that it's you makes it all the more entertaining”.

Jeongyeon ust rolls her eyes at that last remark.

"You should know better after what happened" she says without going any deeper into the subject because it's not necessary for the other to understand what she's referring to. "It's really frustrating that you don't realize the things you have right in front of your eyes, I've never known if you're really unaware or if you're faking it" she sighs. "Knowing that I would be in the same high school as the heiress of the rival company and my family's enemies, needless to say I wanted to be better than you, but you didn't treat me as such so before I knew it we became friends and we were getting closer each day.  I only saw you as my rival the first week, it didn't take you long to become my role model".

"Role model?" is surprised Jeongyeon as she approaches Jihyo, feeling curious to know the younger girl's side of the story and to know what she means when she says she doesn't realize things.

"Think about it, your future and mine were going to be quite similar. Heiress to one of the biggest companies in the country, the first woman to be in charge and you were older than me. You had the best grades, records in most sports, captain of the soccer team and participated in dozens of clubs. I looked up to you and wanted to follow in your footsteps because I knew they were the right ones, I didn't want to beat you, I aspired to be as good as you".

Jihyo's heart is racing as her story progresses because even though nothing new is going to come to light. There are things that are still unresolved, conversations that were never had and wounds that remain unhealed that she doesn't want to think about. Her heart doesn't race much faster than Jeongyeon who knows as much as she does what she's about to hear.

"But we both know it was more than just admiration, I loved you and just wanted to be good enough for you. I-"

Right when Jihyo is in the middle of her confession, a wave of feelings hits Jeongyeon throwing her to the lips of the woman in front of her looking at her with those big and expressive brown eyes. It takes a few seconds for Jihyo to realize what is happening but when she does she doesn't move away, instead she lets herself go and closes her eyes ignoring all the alarms going off in her mind. It's a timid kiss, their lips don't even move until Jeongyeon takes the lead. At first her kisses, like her movements, are delicate and tentative giving Jihyo room to stop her at any moment, but this doesn't happen.  They both know that the sensible thing to do would be to stop, but they don't know how to do it, they can't do it. It seems that tonight the two of them are letting each other break through all the walls and for a moment they forget about the world and their problems. It feels too right to be a mistake.

Their lips feel so familiar it makes their hearts ache. Their mouths taste like beer, memories and regrets. The taste of the past on their lips is so strong that it makes them pause.  For a few seconds they exchange glances, catch their breaths and look for any sign that makes them stop or a gesture that invites them to continue. Jihyo is the first to speak after coming to her senses.

"What the fuck Jeongyeon?" she wonders out loud.

All that confidence she had when she threw herself at the younger one's lips vanishes right after hearing her words. 

"I'm sorry!" she exclaims with hesitant and nervous gestures. "I thought... I shouldn't have-"

This time it is Jihyo who interrupts her, but not with a kiss but with a statement that surprises her even more. 

"I thought you hated me," she admits. 

"What? I have never hated you, Jihyo" she replies somewhat more relaxed and looking into her eyes with honesty. 

"I have...sometimes I still do" she confesses leaving Jeongyeon stunned. 

"In that case it's better to stop here and forget about what happened. I'll take you home" she says, trying to brush it off and getting up from the couch, obviously trying to show indifference to Jihyo's words but she can see a slight pain in her eyes.

When she is about to get her car keys she feels a hand around her wrist and then turns around and sees Jihyo looking up at her with an amused smile "You didn't let me finish, I know we shouldn't do this, the last time we kissed things didn't end well" she says more as a reminder to herself than to Jeongyeon "that's what makes me want to hate you, no matter what you do you're always going to drive me crazy. I hate that you still have this effect on me." 

Hearing her words Jeongyeon's whole body heats up and she can feel her cheeks burning as she hears the low tone of Jihyo's voice, she doesn't know what to reply and the other one isn't sure if she wants to hear what she has to say. Before she can give her an answer she pulls her arm pushing her towards the couch right next to her. 

Are you sure?" asks Jeonyeon "We can stop if you want, at any time and we can forget about everything that has happened since you walked in the door."

"Unnie..." she replies lowering her tone and leaving Jeongyeon speechless, she no longer remembered how the word sounded coming from Jihyo's mouth. "Let's forget everything that happened before we walked through that door, just don't hurt me this time" she pleads with a sigh, letting herself look vulnerable like she never did before. 

In front of her is no longer the successful and intimidating CEO who occasionally makes her job impossible. Gone is his cold, distant and inaccessible image. It is simply Jihyo, who asks her to guard her heart, to tear down her walls to let her pass and remind her that she is the woman who never fails to make her heart race, who takes her breath away, who makes her head spin and gives her butterflies in her stomach.  

She knows perfectly well why all she is asking her not to hurt her, she doesn't need to explain it to Jeongyeon to understand what she means. But before she can give her an answer as reassurance, other than nodding her head, it is Jihyo who makes the first move.

This time it is not so sudden, the movements are smoother, they take their time to place themselves in a more comfortable position, still keeping a safe distance between them. She doesn't know what time it is or how far she is willing to go, but she doesn't want this to come to an end, she wants to savor every moment without rushing. She touches Jeongyeon as if she wants to check that she is really there, that she is not a memory and that she is not going to vanish from one moment to the next as she has done so many times before. She doesn't know what time it is or how far she is willing to go, but she doesn't want it to end. She touches Jeongyeon slowly as if she is memorizing every fold of her clothes with her hands, as if she is afraid that it is really a dream that could vanish at any moment. The taller one lets herself be touched without putting up any resistance, she lets Jihyo take the lead, she knows she needs control right now and is willing to give it to her – for now – .

The younger one gently caresses her cheek, tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and moves her hand down to her collarbones. Her fingers slowly snake around his neck and when she squeezes lightly at last Jeongyeon reacts by letting out a soft whimper. As she maintains her grip, his eyes travel from his own hand to the lips of the woman whose neck she grips as delicately as she does precisely and then to her eyes, where he sees something she hadn't seen before. Immediately the grip on her neck tightens a little more and Jihyo moves until she ends up on her thighs, straddling her. 

"If you hurt me it's over" this time it doesn't sound like a plea at all but more like a threat and Jeongyeon has a feeling it won't be the first one she'll hear tonight. 

"Yes ma'am" Jeongyeon whispers, unable to help but smile, far from being uncomfortable in the position she is in.

As soon as these words leave her mouth, Jihyo releases her neck to grab her shirt and crush their lips together in a hungry kiss. This time it's deeper and more passionate, but full of emotions like the first one of the night. Their lips explore each other again with kisses that are increasingly impatient, heated and wet creating sounds that fill the silent room.

Shortly their tongues start to get involved exploring every inch of their mouths moving in perfect synchrony. As they devour each other it is not their tongues fighting for dominance, but them fighting for control until Jihyo caresses the roof of her mouth with the tip of tongue leaving Jeongyeon at her mercy making her forget all about her little power game as the first moan escapes from her lips. Hearing the sound echoing against her mouth, Jihyo's hands clinging to his shirt pulling her closer and feels the heat coming off her skin as she wraps her arms around her neck. 

They kiss for what feels like hours pausing only to catch their breath or let out soft moans against each other's mouths. But their hands have barely explored each other's skin and not a single button or zipper has been undone yet. When eager kisses are not enough Jeongyeon's lips move from her mouth to her jaw and down to Jihyo's neck as she caresses the naked caramel skin of her exposed thighs.

When Jeongyeon starts tracing kisses all over her neck, Jihyo can no longer ignore the growing wetness between her legs especially when the kisses are accompanied by soft bites and licks that go all the way down to her chest, driving her crazy. 

"Take off my dress" she commands with a whisper against her ear before nibbling it, sending a shiver down Jeongyeon's spine. 

Then Jeongyeon without taking her mouth off her neck undoes the buttons of her black blazer style dress which fortunately stays closed with only two of them. This is the only moment when they stop kissing to help Jihyo undo her dress and throw it on the other side of the couch. This time they lock their eyes instead of their mouths, as they do so, they can't help but smile seeing each other's red and swollen lips. In Jeongyeon's case the image of Jihyo on top of her makes her mouth dry. The path her gaze follows begins at the hungry eyes and is followed by her glossy, wet lips, her neck painted with red marks that will soon begin to darken to purple and her body solely covered by a set of lacy black that leaves her breathless. It is the first time they have seen each other like this and Jeongyeon needs a few seconds to process this view.

She has Jihyo sitting on her thighs dressed only in her underwear which, despite being black, doesn't quite hide the wet spot between Jihyo's legs. Knowing that she is the reason for that wet spot makes Jeongyeon feel her own and squeeze her thighs in seeking some relief, this action doesn't go unnoticed by the woman on top of her who doesn't take long to tease her about it. 

"Do you like what you see? Tell me what you want" .

Jeongyeon just nods and stares without missing a single detail of her defined muscles, of how her chest rises in sync with her breathing and how her abs tighten as she continues stroking her thighs. It's impossible to have Jihyo in front of you like this and not want everything with her. 

"I-I want you" she stutters against his mouth.

It's not the response Jihyo expected to receive, but it satisfies her enough to return to kissing Jeongyeon impatiently, her kisses are accompanied by the subtle grind of her hips against her thighs. His hands run through her hair and grab it to guide his mouth to her chest but before working on her chest Jeongyeon is quick to unclasp her bra finally releasing her mouth-watering breasts to capture them with her mouth eagerly. The moan that escapes her as she feels the warmth of his tongue brushing against her nipple hardened by both the cold and the growing pleasure invites Jeongyeon to continue her ministrations and give attention to the other breast with one of her hands brushing her finger softly over the nub just to end up trapping it between two fingers, pinching it with a little pressure.

Her other hand, which just seconds ago was caressing her thighs, moves to her lower back keeping Jihyo in place but also testing new limits by sliding her hand inside her underwear. A touch that gives Jihyo goosebumps in anticipation for what is to come.   

Bodies exploring each other, blood rushing through their veins and breaths racing. The sound of wet kisses, labored breaths and muffled moans from each other's mouths is all they hear, but all their senses are getting the attention they need to push them further into each other.

Jeongyeon has her mouth busy playing, teasing, licking, sucking and nibbling on Jihyo's breasts as her hands grab and caress her by sinking their fingers into each other's bare skin. Most of the time her eyes are closed, unable to keep them open as the sounds coming from her mouth cause her mind to cloud and her core to throb. It's an overwhelming sensation, just like the desire that drives Jihyo to move her hips seeking more pleasure as she rubs her center against Jeongyeon's body, bringing herself to the brink. She notices the beads of sweat running down her chest and being caught by Jeongyeon's tongue, taking her to new places making her feel things she's never felt before, she's doing wonders with her mouth but right now she needs her somewhere else as she notices the building sensation in her stomach. She doesn't want it to end yet and like this, she needs more, she needs her.

Using the grip she has on the older girl's hair she pulls her away delighted by the image of Jeongyeon's wet mouth attached by a string of saliva to her nipple "Fuck..." she murmurs as she shifts her posture getting off her lap. At the loss of contact Jeongyeon whines and looks at her with pleading eyes making Jihyo grin "I would never have guessed you were this needy" she says as she moves her hand to Jeongyeon's face and grabs her by the jaw to devour her mouth before whispering "Get on your knees''. The words that come out of her mouth are halfway between command and plea as she sits back down on the couch, leaving a space between her slightly spread legs for Jeongyeon to position herself.

She doesn't need to repeat it a second time as it barely takes her time to position herself on the floor on her knees and between his legs. Due to the difference in height between them their faces are almost at the same height, but that doesn't matter when it is more than evident that Jihyo is in charge, even though she is the one in a more vulnerable position as she is the one who is almost naked and with her legs spread wide open exposing herself completely. Jeongyeon looks at her wanting to learn by heart every detail of her body, but behind her gaze there is more than just lust, there is admiration and adoration. She just watches without saying or doing anything, waiting for Jihyo's next command as she feels her whole body burning and a tingling sensation in her stomach as a result of the urge to please Jihyo in this way.

Not once does her hand loosen its hold on his jaw, only loosening it as Jeongyeon positions herself and once she is on her knees under her attentive and hungry gaze she uses her thumb to ghost over her lips, a motion that Jeongyeon immediately responds to by trapping the finger between her lips sucking it and stroking it with her tongue giving her a taste of what is to come. The warm, wet sensation of her mouth trapping his finger catches her breath and the ache between her thighs grows at the image and the contact of his fingers with the walls of her mouth. 

"I need you" she breathes as she slides her finger out of her mouth to take them into her own tasting Jeongyeon's mouth.

In her eyes, as in her words, what she senses is desire, hunger and lust. She wants this as much as she does and is willing to give it to her. Without looking away she caresses her legs from her ankles to the edge of her lacy panties, taking her time and switching between soft kisses and the occasional playful nibble. When he brings his mouth to her inner thigh to deposit a kiss he inhales Jihyo's scent, makes her light-headed and sends a shiver down to her own throbbing center.

She's dying to taste it, but she is not done with the teasing until she slides a finger along her clothed core, drawing a louder moan from her throat than before. It's embarrassing how sensitive and pent up she is to make sounds like that with a single touch. From that moment on she knows it won't last long as her whole body jerks from the light touch that has allowed her to feel her wetness despite the piece of cloth that still separates her from her target. 

That's when she finally decides to completely undress Jihyo and she, feeling the cold air against her uncomfortable and growing dampness, lets out a breathy whimper. Jeongyeon shoves a hand between her legs to spread them more in order to gain better access and to take a few seconds to revel in the image in front of her. Just inches from her eyes, nose and mouth is Jihyo's glistening sex that leaves her stunned. Intoxicated by what she sees, the smell of Jihyo's pleasure and the sensation of her own pleasure she finally reacts and looks her back up into Jihyo's eyes.  

"Can I?" she says, asking for permission.

"Please" she tries to say in a neutral tone that fails to hide the desperation to receive the attention she so strongly craves.

That's all it takes for Jeongyeon to bury her head between Jihyo's tanned legs.

She starts where she left off, with kisses and nibbles on her inner thighs slowly until her whimpers sound too needy to continue ignoring them and to prolong her torture. They seem to have come to an agreement because at that very moment she notices her hands grabbing her hair again to guide her to where she needs her the most. 

The first contact is a tentative lick with his flat tongue from bottom to top that stops before reaching her clit, that's enough for a moan to escape from her half-opened mouth. He repeats the action a couple more times at a slow pace, sliding his tongue between her folds and her slit and even teasing her hole but never reaching her bundle of nerves testing her limits once again, enjoying her every reaction and tasting her wetness. His hands do the same, sliding up and down caressing and grabbing her thighs, her hips, her torso, her chest and her ass without stopping anywhere, leaving caresses with his fingertips and sometimes gentle scratches.

Despite the pleasurable but torturous ministrations, Jihyo is loving every second, every lick and every rub, her moans getting louder and louder as the pleasure washes over her and the embarrassment of sounding desperate fades away. The sounds coming out of Jihyo and the wet sounds of which she herself is to blame motivate her to go one step further, sucking on her clit. As she does so she looks up so as not to miss a single detail of Jihyo's reaction. His act catches her by surprise, but her body is quicker to react than she is and it takes seconds for Jeongyeon to notice how the grip on her hair is tighter and how Jihyo's thighs now press the sides of her head covering her ears, even then she doesn't stop hearing Jihyo's moans. 

"Oh fuck right there, stop teasing" she sighs between moans guiding Jeongyeon's head between her legs. 

She continues licking, sucking and nibbling gently making her juices drip down her spit onto the couch and onto Jeonyeon's chin who notices how her own arousal becomes uncomfortable every time she makes a move however small and feels the seams of her pants rubbing against her hardening clit making her moan against her center.

For a first time together there is no awkwardness and Jeongyeon manages to hit all the right places swirling her tongue around her clit, lapping on her juices and dipping her tongue inside her only to remove it seconds later making her pussy clench around nothing. When she doesn't like something Jihyo lets you know right away and guides you with her words or by pulling your hair, she is also not shy when letting you know she is doing the right move in the perfect place by being much more vocal and also doesn't hesitate to praise her when she deserves it.

"Yes baby! just like that!" she moans loudly as Jeongyeon draws shapes onto her clit while she easily slides two fingers inside her. 

Jihyo feels herself getting closer and closer to her high and grinds her hips against her mouth as she pulls her as close as physically possible. Jeongyeon's fingers move faster and deeper reaching new places as she curls her fingers. This has Jihyo squirming under his touch making her feel light-headed and too close to the edge even if she is still fully dressed and untouched.

Making Jihyo feel so good, hearing her praises in between her loud moans as she begs for more, feeling her warm and wet insides, seeing how she is unable to maintain eye contact because she can't help but close her eyes and arch her body has her so dizzy and overwhelmed with her own sensations. When she hears her call her "baby" she can't help but slide her free hand between her legs and apply a little pressure teasing herself and focusing on her own heat instead of her aching knees. 

The mere hint of her fingers stroking over the fabric makes her jerk and gasps, sending vibrations to Jihyo's throbbing cunt. Totally intoxicated by her choking breaths and the scent of the woman trapping her between her legs, she doesn't even realize how his eyes are piercing her until she hears "Don't you dare." That makes her gulp pull her hand away immediately, but at no point do her fingers stop darting in and out of Jihyo who looks at her with a mischievous smile. 

"Sorry" she apologizes before going down on her again.

"Now be good and make me cum please" she says a little breathless and bites her lip when she feels his tongue again. "I will make you feel so good and you will cum when I give you permission baby." 

She swears that every time she hears that pet name come out of Jihyo's mouth she is about to cum, just like she is about to do thanks to her good work. Since Jeongyeon is back to accompanying the fingering with her tongue all over her thighs, folds and clit, Jihyo is soon back to being close to her release. 

"B-baby I'm so... close. Don't stop!" she cries out what is meant to be a warning, but she can't help it when she shatters as she reaches her orgasm.

All it takes for Jeongyeon to bring her to climax is suck on her swollen nub at the same time she curves her fingers deep inside her hitting her sweet spot. Her whole body arches completely tense just before she starts to jerk as she tugs Jeongyeon's hair with one hand and puts her other hand to her mouth in a futile attempt to silence the obscene scream she just let out, she doesn't say the name of the woman responsible for her screams but "baby". 

That doesn't stop Jeongyeon who continues her movements slowing down when she notices his legs squeezing her head and that's when she moves her mouth away just a few centimeters, she can still feel his breath against her middle as she allows her some time to come down from her high and doesn't take long to fill her thighs with kisses as she cleans her up a gesture that melts Jihyo's heart who sees for the first time this loving and sweet side of her unnie. 

At that moment she realizes where her hand is and finally lets go of Jeongyeon's hair who starts to feel a slight discomfort from all the tugging "I'm sorry" she whispers before pulling the collar of her shirt to kiss her again tasting herself first in her mouth and then on her cum covered fingers looking at Jeongyeon with hungry and lustful eyes that make her press her thighs against each other.

"Stop" Jihyo reminds her "You’ve been very good to me, let me make you feel good now. Where’s your room, unnie?" she asks her in a way that makes Jeongyeon feel some embarrassment for being treated this way by someone younger than her, making her blush because she is enjoying it more than she deems appropriate.

The second round is on the bed and barely lasts a few minutes. After Jihyo practically rips off Jeongyeon's clothes and gets on top of her making herself comfortable between her legs, Jihyo takes control and starts rubbing their slick centers while their mouths devour each other in an animalistic way. She is still sensitive from her first orgasm and Jeongyeon is already on the verge of cumming just by eating her out, so they cum in no time. In any other situation or with someone else it would have been almost embarrassing, but between them the situation far from feeling awkward feels right, safe and they even joke about it but not for long.

They go fast and they go slow, sometimes gentle and sometimes rougher trying different things, discovering each other's bodies, learning what the other likes as if they were trying to make up for all that lost time and those first times they didn't have together in one night. It doesn't take them long to recover from the earth shattering orgasm they've shared either, so the second round turns into a third and a fourth until they lose count of the kisses, caresses and orgasms they've given each other. As the night progresses they become more vocal and when they go for the last round they whisper sweet nothings to each other between kisses that are no longer about pleasure but about feeling each other. When their bodies are exhausted and their eyelids begin to close involuntarily the first rays of sun are rising through the trees and mountains. 

"Don't go" she blurts out without thinking and in an attempt to regain her composure adds "Get some sleep, you're too tired to go home, it's dangerous, you could cause an accident". 

"You say that like I'm going to drive" she giggles. "Just say you want me to stay" she pushes. 

"Why would I want that?" she says it trying to sound annoyed by the accusation, but she's too tired for it.

Jihyo shakes her head and smiles getting too close to her and her lips causing Jeongyeon to close her eyes in anticipation but instead of noticing a kiss she notices Jihyo's breath against her lips saying "You're such a tsundere... it's very charming honey."

Jeongyeon almost chokes when she hears the pet name, it's not the first one of the night, but it's the first one she doesn't say to her between moans. Maybe because she knows there is some truth in her words she doesn't talk back and just says "Just stay, we'll talk about this tomorrow" she says in a soothing voice as her eyes struggle to stay open at least until she hears Jihyo's answer, but she lies on her side turning her back to her as she doesn't feel ready to look her in the eyes in case he rejects her offer. 

"I'm staying, I missed you" he whispers as he hugs her from behind, spooning her.  Once again it is Jihyo who proves that she is the brave one between the two by daring to name what she feels and say it out loud exposing herself once again and being vulnerable in front of Jeongyeon even though she has promised herself a thousand times during this time that she would never do like this again, that she would protect her heart like she hadn't done in the past.

When she wakes up she notices a warm body on her body and she doesn't need to open her eyes to know who it is, Jihyo is still there and this time she is the one in his arms. Nor does she need to remember what has happened as the mixture of smells from the room and the sheets hits her invading her nostrils. She would swear she can feel Jihyo's taste on her tongue, his fingers ghosting over the skin of her back and even his fingers running through her hair sending a shiver up her back as she recreates moments from the night before in her head. The memories cut her breath away, but her mind soon travels elsewhere and the memories of the night are replaced by a compelling need to shower and change the sheets. Some habits never die, not even when Jihyo is naked in her bed. 

On any other occasion Jeongyeon would already be throwing the sheets in the washing machine, preparing breakfast and cleaning up the mess in the living room where the paperwork is piled up among some beer cans. However,the uncertainty and the thought that this was a slip-up or an unforgettable accident that would never happen again keeps her pinned to the bed more firmly than the grip of Jihyo's arms or the leg that is currently wrapped around her waist.

The woman above her keeping her warm and all her senses alert doesn't take much longer than her to wake up, but those minutes are enough for Jeongyeon to overthink about every possible scenario and about all the paths this can take from now on making the warmth she felt in her chest when she smelled Jihyo's hair before she opened her eyes turn into an unpleasant pressure in her chest caused by the growing anxiety she tries to manage as best she can. 

"Morning, Jeong" she hears Jihyo say in a husky voice.

Looking at her she can't help but smile at the sight of the traces of makeup, this is another thing she wouldn't have allowed under normal circumstances, but the truth is that she usually didn't end up collapsing on her bed as the first rays of sunshine come out. Seeing Jihyo with her eyes slightly closed, makeup messed up, lips still swollen and some marks spread across her neck and chest makes her light-headed. 

"Good morning, Ji."

That way of calling her draws an immediate smile on Jihyo's face, she's used to being called that, Nayeon calls her that often, but on Jeongyeon's lips it just sounds different, she doesn't remember the last time she called her that way. To think that just a few hours ago he was referring to her as Jihyo-sunbaenim makes her head spin.

Jihyo dares once again to try her luck and gives her a peck on the lips, getting an unexpected response. 

"We should take a shower."

The two have different plans, but the two have their way and before getting into the shower they share a heated make out session that ends with Jeongyeon panting against her mouth as she reaches orgasm riding Jihyo's thigh.  

After sharing a shower in which they exchange kisses again and which becomes the perfect opportunity for Jeongyeon to return the favor, they both end up wrapped in the comfortable clothes of the owner of the house who prepares coffee and a delicious and abundant breakfast for both of them, while Jihyo watches her feeling her heart pounding in her chest.

Their relationship had never gone this far, neither when they were secretly in love with each other nor after Jihyo's first confession years ago. Certainly the furthest they got in their relationship beyond friendship was with that same confession with a bouquet of flowers that ended in a kiss. This is all new to both of them, but it feels dangerously familiar as if they have done it all their lives, something that frightens both of them. Neither can rationally explain that something that shouldn't have happened in the first place feels so natural to both of them as if the years, the distance and the enmity that has lasted almost five years never happened. And this time not even Jihyo is able to say out loud how normal this situation feels, fearing that it's all in her head and going too far risking being wrong and ending it all in one fell swoop, just like it happened the other time.

They talk, the conversation is not as deep as it should be given the circumstances, but it doesn't stay superficial either and they touch almost all the important points. They talk about Jeongyeon's offer or threat – depending on who you ask – and come to the conclusion that they shouldn't be mixing personal matters with work, so it still stands and Jihyo will have some time to think about it and consult with her own legal team if she considers so. On what happened last night they both agree that they got carried away without giving much thought to the possible consequences. Jihyo described it as a "moment of weakness" while Jeongyeon called it an "impulsive and irresponsible act," but neither dared to pretend it was a mistake. 

After a heated conversation that was interrupted several times by some insults, cursing, accusations and kisses they came to the conclusion that it had been a good time that both had enjoyed, but if repeated they should have a conversation beforehand that they don't know if they are ready for. And of course, Nayeon can't know anything about this, at least while they figure out what will happen between them from now on. They talk about everything and nothing, their friendship, their estrangement and the open war between them, which seems to have finally reached a point of truce. But always leaving out the taboo subject that always comes up but they don't dare to talk about, they just tiptoe around it. 

Before the situation becomes too domestic, Jihyo decides she should leave. "Can your driver take me or should I call mine to come?" she asks.

"I don't plan to go out and he lives nearby, if you want to go now it's better if he takes you home" she offers ignoring the slight but obvious awkwardness that has settled between them.

Jihyo nods and in a few minutes she is ready to go, Jeongyeon is even kind enough to give her something more comfortable than her clothes from last night and offers her a pair of sneakers that are too small for her, so she doesn't have to wear heels.

"Thank you."

"They're just sneakers, I don't even wear them" she shrugs without noticing Jihyo's sudden and unusual shyness.

"It’s not about the sneakers…” she stutters. “Just- thank you for everything."

"Don't thank me at all, I-I really enjoyed it Jihyo-ah" smiles Jeongyeon with a slight blush painting her cheeks and the tips of her ears.

"Me too unnie" she says, staying awfully close as her gaze drifts down to her lips, but she does nothing.

They both giggle nervously not really knowing how to act around each other after everything that has happened in the last few hours. Now it's awkward, they have no regrets but that's not how things were supposed to have ended, they had arranged to meet to talk business. And they had done that but they also got drunk on each other's lips, sank between each other's legs, spent the night with their limbs intertwined and now they were struggling to quiet the butterflies in their stomachs. 

It doesn't take Jihyo much longer to get into the car to leave, Jeongyeon opens her door for her and before closing it she says "Think about what I showed you last night, take as much time as you need." She then closes her door, last night she had taught her many things and she knows exactly what she means but her mind can't help but go to other places, feeling her skin bristle and her stomach tighten as she remembers the image of jeongyeon emerging from between her legs and looking at her with those puppy eyes and swollen red lips covered in a layer of both saliva and her own juices. The memory is so vivid it's as if she's standing in front of her right now and she bites down on her finger to make sure she doesn't let out a moan right then and there as her thighs rub together involuntarily seeking to feel something.

When she gets home she doesn't receive any message or call, the next day neither and when the weekend is coming to an end neither. She knows that Jeongyeon sometimes needs to take some distance and be left alone with her thoughts to process things. If she herself was anxious and a bit scared about what would happen from now on it is natural to think that the other would be the same, maybe a bit more so given her reserved personality. 

Days go by and she still receives nothing making her anxiety increase. 

Of course she could write or call her at any time, at this point it is more than obvious that Jihyo is not afraid to take the lead and make the first move. But this time is different, she needs Jeongyeon to take the initiative for the first time for more than just preparing a lawsuit that threatens the future of her company, her life as she knows it and her family's legacy. 

It's a matter of pride, she knows. She refuses to pursue someone who wouldn't do the same for her but also out of fear of being rejected once again and getting her heart broken. She thought that after all she has been through and with her age she is more than ready to face rejection, but the truth is that if Jeongyeon rejects her again when there are no more external reasons to do so, it is likely that this time the pain will be much worse. 

By the time a week has passed Jihyo's uncertainty has turned into disappointment, she even comes to think that being directly rejected after receiving her first kiss was less cruel than whatever Jeongyeon is doing now. But in fact, it could be much worse.

After spending the weekend turning down invitations to meet friends because lying in bed staring at her phone with the screen off while listening to the most heartbreaking ballads is what she needs right now, Jihyo gets the news on Monday morning.

"Jihyo-nim, Hirai Momo is coming, it seems to be some kind of emergency"  her secretary Lily announces over the phone. When this happens nothing good happens, problems with products that are about to be released, system failures that were not foreseen and hundreds of other problems that Jihyo doesn't understand but which she knows mean that something is not working as it should. 

Hirai Momo, one of the software developers at the head of the department enters nervously and hurriedly with her fringe hairs sticking to her forehead from sweat, her shirt sleeves rolled up and her tie unbuttoned. She is out of breath and her glasses are covered in a layer of mist indicating the urgency of the situation as Momo seems to have come running into the office. All the signs alert Jihyo and prepare her for the worst, she is ready to hear that their new line of cell phones that are about to be shipped to every store in the country will have to be recalled due to some glitch, like that time they discovered that their new long lasting batteries exploded. She was prepared to listen to anything except for what Momo says as soon as she catches her breath without even leaning in. 

"We've been hacked." 

The initial shock leaves Jihyo frozen in place within moments but it doesn't take her long to react as she puts the pieces together, of course it's Horai Momo who's breaking the news to her that they've suffered an attack. It only takes her a few seconds to get up with fire in her eyes and stand in front of Momo making the employee swallow hard. 

"It has been stopped, but we don't know yet who has done it or what information they have stolen or altered" she says before Jihyo unleashes her anger at her, but this is not enough. 

"You better fix this as soon as possible or I will fire you and make sure you have to go back to Japan because you are not going to be hired anywhere in this country, not even to clean toilets" Jihyo threatens pointing her finger and staring straight into the face of the woman in front of her who is not able to look her back in the eyes because if she does she knows she will end up crying.

"Yes, Jihyo-nim. I'll fix it" she says bowing a bunch of times while stuttering a few apologies before walking away. 

I should have figured it out, now she feels completely stupid for falling for it. It's kind of evil and sick even for their fucked up relationship, Jihyo thinks. 

Without thinking twice she grabs her bag and leaves the office asking Lily to cancel all meetings until further notice, seeing the obvious anger of her boss she doesn't even dare to open her mouth and just nods vigorously. She has seen Jihyo angry a million times, but never like this, so she imagines that the news Hirai gave her must be very serious. 

As she is about to leave the building she catches a glimpse of Minatozaki Sana at her reception desk and unable to control her anger she heads to her desk. Sana's usual smiling expression disappears as soon as she sees her boss's gaze and she freezes in place, from the look on her face only one thing can have happened, she knows it. 

"I'll tell you the same thing I told your friend Hirai. If I find out that you are involved in this you can start packing your bags to go back to Japan because I will personally make your life a living hell" she threatens her with a stern tone, but low enough to only reach the receptionist's ears. As quickly as he arrived, she disappears from her side and exits the building where a car is waiting for her.

From the very first minute Sana got into all this she knew it was risky and she is not worried about the consequences because she knows that just as Jeongyeon promised them, she has nothing to worry about. Still there is something bothering Sana because she doesn't really know what the CEO is referring to, so she decides to immediately look for Mina and Momo to get answers. 

Meanwhile, Jihyo, who feels that she has more than enough information, gives her driver the address of Signal Systems' main building at the other end of the Central Business District. There he is greeted by a wide-eyed receptionist, Chou Tzuyu, who can't hide her puzzled face when the CEO of the rival company she works for as an informant is in front of her. However, her job at Signal Systems is to receive those who have an appointment with Yoo Jeongyeon and let her or her secretary know that they have arrived. Obviously, the name Park Jihyo is not among today's meeting list and has never been before, so the astonishment among the workers and visitors who have recognized her is generalized. Tzuyu can only fear the worst and her suspicions are not misguided when she leans on the counter asking for Jeongyeon's floor number, the way to the elevators and orders her not to warn that she is here. The receptionist who is smart enough and appreciates her life does as she tells her and also gives her a guest access card without asking any questions. 

That's how Park Jihyo gets to the top floor of the Signal Systems building where the office of its CEO, Yoo Jeongyeon, is located, nothing more than that. But for Jihyo, right now she is nothing more than her rival, one who uses disgusting tactics even for her usual game which includes espionage among other things of questionable ethics. Between the elevator and their destination is the desk of Dahyun, Joengyeon's trusted secretary and Jihyo's informant. 

"Good morning, Dahyun" she greets her with a smile that sends a shiver through Dahyun's body, who seeing the fire in Jihyo's eyes doesn't know if she should fear for her job or her life. "I come to see your dear boss, I guess she's in her office."

The secretary nods and when she opens her mouth to continue, Jihyo makes a gesture with her hand telling her to shut up and then walks with firm steps towards the office. She storms in, but what she sees leaves her as shocked as those in the room. 

"Jihyo?!" Jeongyeon's voice sounds surprised and confused. 

"JIHYO?!"  the woman with her back facing the door exclaims even more surprised and confused. 

"Nayeon?" she is so astonished that for a moment she forgets why she has come here. 

They look at each other, shocked by the situation they are in, they stare at each other without saying anything for a few seconds until Jeongyeon decides to take control of the situation as she feels her heart hammering in her chest. It's been a week since she saw Jihyo and since then she hadn't contacted her, so the last thing she expected was for her to suddenly walk into her office just on the same day and at the same time that Nayeon does. 

"What are you doing here?" she asks, trying to control the trembling in her voice. 

"Stop pretending, I'm not falling for your game. You know what I'm doing here" she says harshly, very different since the last time he talked to her.

"Well... I guess" she says, looking at Nayeon with concern. The older woman looks at one and then the other like she's watching a tennis match. "But I mean, you could have texted or called me," she says, turning her gaze to Nyeon again to see if Jihyo gets the message. 

"Yeah right, the only way with you the only way things can be done is face to face or did you want to have more proof to add to your fucking folders?" says Jihyo starting to lose her composure as she feels like she is being treated like a complete idiot once again. 

"I think this is a conversation you two should have between the two of you" Nayeon says stepping in for the first time. "And I know maybe this is my fault because I was the one who asked not to know about your stupid corporate war, but I think I deserve an explanation. I thought you two didn't talk and all of a sudden you show up unannounced talking about proofs and folders."

"You're right unnie" she says, directing her gaze towards Nayeon and then Jeongyeon, looking at the latter in a way so cold and full of rage that it makes her stomach turn. "Why don't you explain it to her? Tell her. Tell how you invited me to dinner to make me a deal and how it was actually a threat. I give in to what you ask or you ruin my life, my family and the work we've done for decades." 

Her gestures are exaggerated and she doesn't take her eyes off Jeongyeon who looks at her dumbfounded not knowing what Jihyo is getting at, at first she thought she was being theatrical, she can be very passionate sometimes. It's not until she sees her eyes that she realizes she's totally serious, there's no sparkle in those big beautiful eyes anymore. Then she sees it, she has the same look as that one time, but this time she doesn't understand why.

Neither of the older girls knows quite what to answer, but they don't need to because Jihyo continues "Come on! tell her what happened later" she insists. She sounds really hurt, almost desperate, worrying both of them who have never seen Jihyo this distraught.  

"Jihyo, calm down" Jeongyeon says in a soft tone as she approaches her. "I don't know what happened, but I do know that you don't want to tell Nayeon like this. Calm down and we'll talk."

"Don't even fucking think about telling me to calm down Jeongyeon. In fact I would really like my friend to know the kind of person she has next to her. Someone capable of doing what you have done to me" at this point she starts to raise her voice.

"I'm going to need one of you to explain to me what's going on, but I understand this is something you two need to work out between yourselves" she says still in her seat as she gestures for Jihyo to come closer and when she does she grabs her hand and caresses it trying to calm her down.  "Breath" she whispers to the younger girl who is breathing fast, then looks at Jeongyeon threateningly and says "If you did something to her, this time I'm going to pick a side Yoo Jeongyeon" Nayeon warns Jeongyeon pointing her finger at her. "I'm going to leave, please don't do anything stupid, I'm serious."

Nayeon over the years has learned to stay out of her friends' fight because after trying to intervene numerous times over the years she knows that all they need is to have a conversation that they have never been willing to have. She has heard both sides of the story and knows the motives that have driven each to do what they have done and, while she has not always agreed, she understands why each has done things the way they have and would be unable to judge them for it. She also knows about spies, informants, infiltrators... or whatever they call it.  She is the first to know that they do not always act according to the image of impeccable businesswomen they portray to the world. At the end of the day they are her friends despite the feud that exists – or existed – but if Jeongyeon has harmed Jihyo in some way that has gone beyond their professional rivalry, she wants to know about it even if she has to wait for them to sort things out on their own first.

They both watch Nayeon leave the office and look at each other. Jihyo has her clenched fists and tight jaw, she is still breathing heavily and can see her veins bulging in her neck and arms. From the obvious tension all over her body she can tell that she is indeed holding back and trying not to lose control. Jeongyeon is at a safe distance and is doing her best to try to maintain eye contact and to keep her trembling hands busy and out of Jihyo's sight, adjusting her clothes and hides them from time to time in the sleeves of her blazer, a gesture she had managed to shed but which is inevitable to return at times like this.  Her calmness had left with Nayeon. She still doesn't know what's going on and is afraid of making a mistake with Jihyo that will take her back to square one or much worse. She's willing to do everything in her power to avoid it, but it's definitely a possibility considering she's never seen Jihyo like this. 

"Ji I swear- ".

"Don't even think of calling me that" she raises her tone. "Stop lying, cut the act, Nayeon is not here."

"Why don't you tell me what happened?" the other tries again. "I know you're completely confident that I know but maybe it's good to talk things out for once."

"Oh this will be a good conversation because I would really like to know why you are a backstabbing bitch who is capable of betraying me again."

Maybe it's not in the best of circumstances, but Jihyo finally says it. The time has finally come to talk about the subject that both of them have been purposely ignoring. They never talked about it when it happened and neither did they talk about it at the restaurant, in Jeongyeon's living room, in her bed or the next day while having breakfast. They talked about many other things and talked about the past but this was a badly healed wound that no one dared to touch. 

"Finally you say it, I knew you haven't let it go, are you still angry about it?"

"I'm not, but even if I were you would have no right to judge me. Tell me what kind of friend would take advantage of the moment I was going through for her own benefit."

"That's not what happened, there's a reason."

"Jeongyeon..." he spits out her name while getting as close as the table between the two of them allows her. "This isn't about having different opinions, it's about facts and the facts speak for themselves. My father died, you stood by me through the entire funeral, you hugged me and promised to be there for whatever I needed" she says as angry tears build up in her eyes. "Overnight you cut off all contact with me and a month later ZoneTech released an announcement informing that Yoo Jeongyeon was taking over as CEO of the company." 

Our brains have a tendency to forget the bad times so that we can move on, but for Jihyo it was impossible to forget everything that happened during one of the darkest chapters of her life. She was only 22 years old, studying abroad about to graduate from a prestigious foreign university. One day while studying in the library for the first exams of the term she got a call from her mother crying inconsolably telling her that her father had suffered a heart attack. She still remembers the cry of pain her mother let out when she asked if he was okay, if he was in the hospital. Her father had died on the spot and there was nothing they could do. She left everything immediately and thanks to a family friend she was able to go on a private flight back to Korea a few hours after the call. 

During those days she did not shed a tear, but she knew that if at any time tears came to her eyes Nayeon and even Jeongyeon would be there to offer her a shoulder to cry on. It had been a while since the relationship between her and Jeongyeon had changed and they were becoming more and more distant, but she was the first to let her know that she was there for whatever he needed and she proved it by not leaving his side during the funeral and even during the opening of the will in which only the closest family members were allowed to be there.

No one expects to have to read the will of someone as young as Jihyo's father, not even Jihyo herself. When he named Jihyo as the sole heir and manager of the company and the family estate, he believed that when the time came for them to open her will, she would already have a successful career within the company and maybe even a family to take care of. However, that was not the case, so his daughter was forced to leave her new life as a student abroad with all her new friends and aspirations to return home and take the reins of a technology empire and one of the largest fortunes in the country while maintaining her excellent academic record as a model student in a new university.

Needless to say, it was difficult and she even paid for it with her health at times as she did not eat properly, she was overworked and under-rested. Despite having people who could do a lot of things for her, she needed to keep her mind busy because on top of her father's death there was the uproar with the press and media when some of the details of the will came to light. A few days later her friend and unconditional support during this hard process, Jeongyeon had started to avoid her and Nayeon from one day to another without giving any explanation.

The reason was discovered soon after through Signal Systems' statement, after that it was Jihyo who decided not to talk to Jeongyeon ever again unless there were cameras, potential partners or important clients in front of them. 

Jeongyeon sighs because despite having good reasons that back up her decisions, she didn't act wisely and now she knows it, but that still doesn't explain why Jihyo has suddenly stormed into her office accusing her of betraying her. Before sharing her side of the story and asking for explanations she steps out from behind her desk to continue the conversation on the couch she has for more informal meetings. When she puts her hand on Jihyo's arm inviting her to make herself comfortable, she moves her arm away and mumbles, "Don't touch me". She is hurt, maybe even more hurt than angry. 

Being aware of the younger girl's hostility, Jeongyeon believes it is a must to calm the situation down if she wants Jihyo to listen to her instead of looking for the perfect opportunity to elevate the conflict to another level, fearing that everything will end up exploding hurting the two of them and by extension Nayeon.

She takes the first step by offering her a tissue with her still shaking hands to wipe away her tears and offers her a smile. Jihyo immediately notices the shaking hands and all the alarms go off in her head, she had forgotten that sometimes in stressful situations Jeongyeon suffers anxiety attacks if she wasn't starting to have one already. Even if she feels absolute disgust towards her right now, she would hate herself if she triggered an anxiety or panic attack.

"I'm fine," Jeongyeon assures her, noticing the panic in her eyes, "but we both need to calm down and since it's too early for a beer I'll ask my secretary to make us some tea," she concludes.

Reluctantly Jihyo agrees and in a few minutes they are seated drinking tea in silence, thinking about how they got to this point. They have always had problems with communication, and although it has been between yelling, this is the first time they have been so honest with each other. Not keeping up appearances, not ignoring each other's problems, and not bottling up their feelings. They haven't done it in the most healthy or civilized way, but it's a start. 

After several sips Jeongyeon's hands stop shaking, but Jihyo shifts on her seat impatiently. 

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you what I did to make you like this" the older one breaks the ice "as you pointed out I can be quite dense" she says shyly. "If this is all about the deal I offered and the lawsuit, I-"

"Stop! Do you really think I'm worried about a lawsuit right now when you just fucking hacked me?" she asks, losing her temper again, but she doesn't mind, it hurts so much that she couldn't care less if Jeongyeon sees her like this or if everyone in this building could hear her. "You sleep with me, and once again you suddenly disappear. Today when I got to work they hacked ZoneTech and when I got here there's Nayeon. You had it all planned" she accuses her directly as tears start to fall from her eyes. "I just asked you not to hurt me and you ruined me" she says trying to hold back the tears. 

It takes Jeongyeon a moment to process and react to all the information Jihyo has given her between screams and tears. She doesn't understand anything that has happened, but it breaks her heart to see Jihyo. Not even during her father's funeral did she cry or when he first broke her heart and now she has her in front of her telling her that she has ruined his life. It hurts her that Jihyo might actually think she would do something like that, but seeing her sobbing with her mascara smeared and her eyes bloodshot from anger and crying makes her chest hurt.

Despite her fear of how she might react, she wraps her arms around her and finally speaks “Ji, trust me one more time and believe me when I tell you that I had nothing to do with this and I know deep down you know that I wouldn't be able to do something like this. I would never hurt you" she whispers softly in her ear trying to soothe her, but Jihyo's crying only increases soaking her shirt on the part of her chest where her head is resting. 

The sobs get louder and she begins to hear Jihyo cursing at her and telling her that she hates her, but she can't blame her. It's been some unfortunate coincidences and no wonder Jihyo has thought the worst. 

"Stop treating me like an idiot, you already did it once" she manages to say between sobs. 

Jeongyeon sighs as she continues to hug her and caress her back "I think it's time to explain everything that happened" she says as she pulls away from Jihyo to look at her face and grabs her hands so as not to lose contact with her skin. She looks away, unable to look at her because of the pain, anger and embarrassment she feels.

"I told you the other day and I will tell you as many times as necessary until you believe it. I don't hate you and I have never hated you, nor have I ever wanted to hurt you. I love you, I always have and I'm so afraid of what you make me feel that all this time I thought that by pushing you away I was protecting both myself and you as well" she sighs. "Our lives are so complicated and I thought that someday these feelings would go away" she looks at her anxiously looking for a reaction in Jihyo, who still won't look at her, but at least the crying is more controlled. "I thought what I felt for you was a high school crush that could ruin everything for me, but it's not like that and running away from you and everything you make me feel almost ruined my happiness." 

Until now Jeongyeon had never been clear with her feelings, but that's not all. "I thought that by running away from me I was doing you a favor and that if you hated me everything would be easier. That's why I never gave you the reasons or explanations you deserve and now I know it was a huge mistake, but after everything that has happened I wouldn't forgive myself for pushing you away from me again, because I know that this time it would be the final one. If you are willing to listen to me, I will tell you everything, but I promise you that I have nothing to do with this hacker attack you have suffered."

Jihyo is not sure, experience, all the times she ended up calling Nayeon crying, all the times she ended up in bed with strangers and the times she got drunk looking for some relief tell her to be smarter, that this time she should be the one to end it all instead of staying to suffer another disappointment. However, the more irrational part of her, the part that still thinks there is a possibility of a future together, begs her to stay and listen to her.

She looks down at her hands between Jeongyeon and when he manages to calm her breathing she looks up at her not quite sure of what to do or what to say even though she has already made up her mind. 

"You look awful" Jeongyeon tells her in a pointless attempt to tease that almost bring Jihyo to tears again "Fuck- sorry I was trying to joke, Ji" she says nervously repeating the affectionate nickname once more. With one of her hands she tries to fix the mess of her makeup and with all the gentleness in the world she reaches over and kisses the tears still left on her cheeks. "There's a restroom over there, take your time" and Jihyo just nods, too defeated to refuse.

Just as he told her, she takes her time and manages her best to clean her face, fix her hair and clothes trying to pull herself together. After Jeongyeon has seen her like this, she feels pathetic. Until her breathing returns to normal she doesn't come out of the restroom, though her red and puffy eyes give her away. 

"About the hacking let me take care of it, we'll find the culprits and I'll do my best to fix it and prove to you that it wasn't me."

"I believe you" Jihyo finally speaks and the relief is so great that Jeongyeon can't help but let out the breath she has been holding. "This morning when Hirai Momo came to my office I assumed it was your doing, the attack has been stopped, but when I left they didn't know what its origin was or what exactly they did."

"I will talk to Momo, it will be solved today" she assures her while holding her hand. 

Before continuing with their unfinished conversation, Jeongyeon calls Hirai Momo and makes her look for Myoui Mina and also Minatozaki Sana who, to Jihyo's surprise, is also some computer expert. After listening to too many technical words, Jihyo was finally able to participate in the conversation and they ended up making a deal: if they managed to find out who was responsible in 24 hours, they can keep working in the company and they will not have to go back to Japan as she had warned Momo and Sana hours before. Jeongyeon, in her efforts to show Jihyo that things would be different from now on if she trusted her, encouraged them with the promise of inviting them to dinner at the best restaurant in the country.

Once she hangs up the phone she directs her gaze towards Jihyo "What do you say? Let's get out of here, grab some food and I'll take you wherever you tell me so I can explain everything to you. I'll even burn paper by paper all the evidence of the lawsuit if I have to because I don't plan to lose you and take the risk of Nayeon killing me."

This time Jihyo smiles and nods, taking her hand "Come on, but if you give me reason to be suspicious I'm telling Nayeon" she jokingly warns her.

So that's what they did, Jeongyeon told Dahyun to cancel everything on her schedule for the rest of the day and hoping to get lucky, she also told her to let her know if they have to cancel their meetings the next day. Of course Kim Dahyun did that and rearranged his schedule but not before opening the group chat with Chayeoung and Tzuyu to tell them everything she had overheard, especially the mention of Minatozaki Sana, Chaeyoung's situationship.

They end up at Jeongyeon's house as well, although the purpose is quite different this time. Jeongyeon explains to her the reason behind each time she broke his heart. She explains how her father did everything he could to keep her away from Jihyo, even forcing her to study abroad. She tells her that that kiss she gave her after receiving her bouquet of flowers and her confession on her graduation day was sincere, but knowing that she would be away for so many years at a university thousands of miles away she didn't want to take away her opportunity to have a first high school love and maybe to find someone who was really good for her, someone who wasn't afraid to love her. She reveals to her each of the events that led her to accept the CEO position after finding out that her father would do everything in his power to end ZoneTech by taking advantage of the instability he thought Mr. Park’s death would bring. She did that in an attempt to protect her but it didn't last long since she was forced to respond to the constant attacks that Jihyo initiated once she settled into the position. And of course she makes it clear to her that this last week of silence had been an attempt to give her space when the truth is that she was dying to talk to her, to listen to her, to see her and to feel her in her arms again.

When the conversation ends, it's already dark and Jihyo goes back to sleep in Jeongyeon's bed, but tonight they just share kisses, secrets, apologies and the promise of a future together. Before sleep overcomes them Jeongyeon whispers in her ear "Don't go to work tomorrow, let me take you on a date to make up for my mistakes and to start making up for time we wasted".

[bluebird722]

A Lifetime of Firsts

Jeankasa Week: A Lifetime of Firsts

Summary: The Jeankasa relationship is examined through their "first" experiences over their lifetime together.

Rating: T

Main Pairings: Jeankasa, hinted Eremika, Aruani

Author's Note: This was supposed to be my entry for @jeankasaweek2024, but I had fallen ill from a work trip abroad, so I put it on hold until I was able to finish. This is a little longer than my previous fanfictions, but it's probably my most favorite fanfic that I ever wrote. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed plotting and typing it.

For @itslieutenanthawkeye, @jean-kirschtussy, @corner-stories, @marshmallow-rainbow139, @ereami0, @casualaruanienjoyer , @cidsideral , @witchyu , @heavenzscent @peacefulharu @pickalilywrites @levisecretgfblog @ravenhealer5

***Attack on Titan: A Lifetime of Firsts***

First Hug

After they met with the Alliance, the ambassadors made the trip to Shiganshina to visit the grave for the first time. They were exhausted and thirsty, but seeing Mikasa reenergized them with relief. She was all right and safe from all that time working in the Queen’s orphanage. The manner in which she cried and smiled as she embraced Armin made her look more innocent and less traumatized. 

Jean didn’t know why, since he knew that she could have never returned his adolescent feelings for her and that he had to let go of that hope, but when she and Armin let go, he guided her into a hug. She smelled just as sweet, and caring for the children at the Queen’s orphanage seemed to have erased the stress and tension that she had carried as a soldier. Even if they had to be friends and nothing more, he was just relieved that she was safe and happy. 

After he let go, lest he make anyone else suspicious, Mikasa pulled away and tilted her head. “I like the hairstyle,” she said softly. 

Jean’s heart fluttered. “Looking good for the history books,” he said proudly. 

Behind him, Pieck snorted. 

Everyone had picked a wildflower to set on the grave and pay their respects. Then Mikasa followed them back to where they were to stay until they next departed.

For some reason, that first hug felt so significant to Jean. He didn’t know why, but he had a hard time willing himself to let go. He made himself lose feelings for her, and it was easy when he was helping set up refugee camps and truthfully answering interrogations and collaborating with the other ambassadors. Something was going on within him, but he didn’t think that he was comfortable sharing with any of his parents or even his closest friends. He just hoped to clear it out before he left. 

First Letter

As the ambassadors were preparing to leave, Mikasa made sure to be there on time to say goodbye. Naturally, she and Armin embraced tighter, and he was looking forward to reuniting with her, even though he updated her on countries and cultures that she would admire and everything that reminded him of her; she told him about how big and healthier the orphans were growing, and how politics on Paradis were improving and worsening. However, even though Kiyomi had been relentless, Mikasa refused to move to Hizuru; she didn’t want to abandon her birthplace, and she couldn’t abandon children who needed her. Armin knew that they were becoming a little family to her, and she looked at them as the innocent child she had been before she lost her first family. 

Still, Mikasa reflected on a conversation they had earlier, when she talked about her guilt for missing him but knowing that she had to kill him to stop that monstrosity. Armin reassured her that yes, she had to, and that she had to sacrifice her happiness for the Rumbling to stop–but that didn’t mean that she had to feel guilty about moving on with her life without him. She was no Ymir, and she did not want to be, but she had clung to him with every fiber of her being for survival since she lost her parents, and she didn’t know how to process his absence from her life.

“Let me ask you this, then,” said Armin at one point. “If it had been the other way around–if you died and he lived–would you rather he spend his remaining years mourning after you, grieving over a dream of what could have been…or would you have wanted him to find love with someone else so he wouldn’t have to spend the rest of his life alone?” 

Mikasa blinked at that question. She opened her mouth, flushed, but didn’t say anything. Armin did not push for an answer. He knew she was conflicted but also that she had to ask herself for an honest answer. He decided to remind her, in a letter, that she deserved to be happy, and that she could still love Eren with all her heart and yet also love another person for the rest of her life–after all, she missed and felt love for her late parents and still considered Grisha and Carla her new family when they took her in. 

Armin was putting those words onto paper when Jean walked into the cabin. “Is that for Hizuru?” he asked.

 Armin shook his head. “No, it’s for Mikasa. I just wanted to tell her something that I didn’t have time to before we left.” 

“Okay.” Jean smiled. “Tell her I said hi.” 

“Sure,” said Armin, “but why not write her a letter yourself? I’m sure she’ll appreciate knowing that I’m not the only friend of hers who likes to keep her updated on how things are going, and check up on her.” In truth, Armin was not trying to set up Mikasa with anyone, let alone Jean; he just assumed that she would have liked to correspond with an old friend rather than just the orphans she helped raise. Plus, Jean writing to Mikasa would remind her that just because she lost Eren didn’t mean that there weren’t other men who also cared about her well-being and wanted to stay friends. 

Jean hesitated but kept the idea in the back of his mind until he was secluded in his own cabin. While Reiner, his cabin mate, slept and breathed in Historia’s scent from her letter, Jean decided to tell Mikasa about their plans–what they would discuss, their goals, and what they looked forward to once they arrived back in Paradis. He admitted that he missed his parents very much and wished that he had more time to spend with them before he had to leave. 

I know that you are happy caring for the orphans, but I think that you would make a fantastic ambassador because you care, he had written. Mikasa reread the letter under the shade of the tree and stared out at Shinganshina in silence. Not even a bird flew by. She looked down at Eren’s grave, which she visited only on his birthday and the anniversary of his death, and now when she greeted the others back to Paradis. 

She liked that idea, as much as she loved caring for the orphans, because she knew those children would grow up very soon, and she wondered what to do with her life afterwards. Would she find a partner, someone who knew she killed but still loved Eren and yet loved her in return? Was she to relocate to Shinganshina, or would she go wherever fate took her? The future was so uncertain that Mikasa began to cry again.

***

Caring for the orphans took her mind off her dilemma, if only temporarily. Then again, it made her feel less lonely and more satisfied that she was giving love and care to children who, like herself, lost everything. She knew that she could not save every child, but at least she was doing all she could to prevent those children from ending up in the clutches of the Yeagerists. She expressed that concern in her letters, first to Armin and then to Jean. 

Over time, writing to Jean felt like keeping a journal which wrote back to her. Even though she didn’t share everything for fear that he would not be the only one reading, she wrote about the orphans and how slowly she was adjusting to life outside the military. She wrote about how Trini was the fastest runner but not that she cried every time that she prayed for her late parents, how Mike was quick to learn how to cook but not that he spent days clinging to Mikasa, how Clifford loved riding horses but not that he had nightmares about his mother dying from her wounds right after he lost his father and siblings. She also skimmed over how Lauren and Amber gradually stopped crying for their own fathers–who were crushed to death when the walls fell–in their sleep, and liked to make up silly songs with Robert, Jessie, and Matthew. It was strange how everything was getting better even when things were getting worse. 

First In-Depth Conversation

The Yeagerists continued to seek and demand power, but fortunately, relations with other nations were improving thanks to the alliance. Peace was temporary as long as the Yeagerists were still in full control, though Reiner and Pieck decided, when the time was right, to move back to Marley and work for the alliance there; Connie and Jean decided to move back to the island, but both Armin and Annie were unsure of their long-term plans. Mikasa reminded Armin that she would support his decision no matter what, and no matter how his relationship with Annie progressed. 

After they visited the grave, they went back to the Queen’s hall for a small party with the other allies. Mikasa didn’t really want to go, but she did not feel like going back to the orphanage yet; it was still new to her being around people without Eren at her side. It was at the event that she overheard Jean sharing with Armin and Annie his excitement to reunite with his family. Mikasa smiled, but then she noticed Connie walking by looking crestfallen. She knew that he was excited to see his mother again but was conflicted if they should rebuild or abandon what remained of their village. 

She listened to Jean, Armin, and Annie talk to allies about their travels and what they looked forward to doing when they came back for work or pleasure, some of which she knew through Jean’s letters. 

“Thank you again, for writing to me when you were away,” she told him after their small crowd had disbanded. 

Jean smiled, kind as ever. “Thank you,” he insisted, “for answering back and updating us on Paradis. Maybe one day, you can join us on our excursions in other countries.” 

Mikasa beamed at that idea but recalled her sour first trip to Marley, how their mission did not go as planned even after a fun night of partying. 

He pressed his hand against her lower back and guided her out of the vicinity. “You seem upset,” he said, “and please don’t deny it. I can tell.” 

Mikasa knew there was no sense arguing with him and instead mentioned her disappointment that the first excursion to Marley failed and if she could have done something so that Eren would still be alive and they could have peace without the destruction of the Rumbling. 

“You will see him again,” he said, even though he was still unsure if he fully believed in Onyankopon’s belief in an afterlife. “But…he wanted us to live long lives.” Jean didn’t know why he started stroking Mikasa’s cheek. “I just hope…that with this ‘freedom’ to the outside world, we can no longer feel trapped as we did before. We can experience everything we ever wanted.” 

“Jean,” she whispered, “what was the future you imagined, that you would like to have?” Mikasa asked. “Do you still want to move into the interior?” 

Jean hesitated and looked down. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “Even after I decided not to join the MPs, I…I can’t see myself, knowing how corrupt they had been, knowing how there will always be Yeagersits loyal to the core living there…” Jean sighed. “I used to dream about moving to the interior—the best house, everything. My kids could have access to the best schools, the best education that only the Queen and the truly wealthy could afford…just a good life for my loved ones, after everything that I’ve endured. I risked my life for this country, for humanity, so I want them to have the best life possible on this island.” 

Mikasa didn’t say anything, but he suspected that she was picking up from him that familiar desire for the impossible–impossible or at least very difficult, but still nice to fantasize about. You don’t always get it, he thought, but it’s nice to get close–and maybe see the good in not getting what you want. 

“What about you?” he asked. “Would you have wanted something similar–a family? Did you ever want one?” 

Mikasa didn’t respond immediately, but she did look down at her right wrist. “I don’t know,” she said. “Family is something expected of you. When my mother gave me this…” He didn’t need to look down at where she was looking. “She asked for me to pass it on to my own children.” 

Jean didn’t say anything. 

“But I would not want children unless I wanted them with…the right partner,” she finished. She didn’t need to say, but Jean knew that she was thinking to herself if Eren would have been the right partner–the love of her life, yet one who willingly murdered children in Liberio and in the Rumbling. Jean agreed to himself–he did not want to marry a random woman just to have a wife. Maybe he dreamt of his ideal future as an escape from the Rumbling, but it was nice to imagine that manifesting because he was willing to lay down his life for that island. 

They stood in silence until Jean spoke up: “If I have to wait for the perfect partner, I will. I don’t want to chase a dream that won’t come true.” 

Mikasa thought about the cabin dream Eren gave her, how she knew that wouldn’t come true, and the turmoil that Ymir had for over 2,000 years. She didn’t know if she could hold onto that heartbreak for that long, and in the process cause so much trauma for unborn generations. “Thank you, Jean, for sharing this with me,” she said. “I know it must be hard to hold that in for years.”  

Jean quickly smiled. “Well, thank you for letting me trust you with that. You have changed so much, and you’re so different from when we first met.” 

“Are you just saying that because you had a crush on me even before we were in the Scouts?” she asked. 

Jean looked at her sharply. “Well, if Armin and Annie had fallen apart, would you have wanted him to harbor after her for life, or would you have encouraged him to move on?” he asked rather harshly. “I’m your friend. I care about you. I hate to see you blame yourself for what you did, even though you knew it had to be done.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I think about our fallen comrades every day, but I want to live so their sacrifices were not in vain, that yes, we have a mess to clean up, but we can make it better than before–” 

Suddenly, he noticed that Mikasa’s eyes were watering. He didn’t intend to offend her, but he put his hand on her arm and pulled her to his chest. Suddenly, she seemed to fall in peace crying in his arms. “I loved him, too,” he whispered to her. “I may have picked fights with him and been incredibly selfish back then, but I did not…” He closed his eyes and sighed. He would still give up a thousand apartments in the central region to find a way to bring back Eren without the threat of the Titan curse coming back. “I’m not telling you to forget him,” he added. “I just don’t like seeing you suffer, especially alone.” 

Mikasa lifted her head. “I won’t,” she said softly. “I want to live a long life, like he wanted… I just don’t know how.” Her eyes drifted downwards. 

“Neither do I,” Jean said, “just as long as I have my loved ones and people I care about.” 

Mikasa suddenly remembered Armin saying how just because she lost her parents didn’t mean that she should forget them and accept Eren’s parents as her own, nor to deny them as her new family. “Jean,” she whispered, “did it hurt…that I loved Eren, and didn’t feel for you as you felt for me?” From his sharp inhale and the sound of his teeth clenching, she knew that it was still a sore subject for him. 

“Like hell,” he whispered back, “that I couldn’t compete with him for you, and that I could be everything you wanted and needed, but I wouldn’t be him.” He sighed. “It took me a long time to accept that. But I still care about you, Mikasa. I do. I just want you to be happy.” 

Mikasa lifted her head and cupped her hands over his jaw. His facial features had changed with adulthood, but she knew that not all of his personality had. She wondered how much of him had changed and stayed the same. “Jean,” she began, almost hesitantly, “I’m sorry that I hurt you. As we were writing to each other, I’m glad to still have you in my life, to be a friend when I needed it, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings anymore.” 

“Mikasa,” he said, “I’ve accepted it. You don’t need to apologize. I’m glad that you taught me that I can live with the hurt but still be your friend–just as you can acknowledge that what he did wasn’t right and still love him.” 

Mikasa dimly smiled. “You haven’t changed so much, Jean. You still speak your mind and still speak the truth, even if it hurts.” 

Jean chuckled. “The fact that you still want to be my friend despite that says a lot, makes me feel better.” He was relieved that she grinned back. Then he realized that maybe he never did get over her. She was his ideal woman, something to look for as he searched for his life partner. She may not be exactly like Mikasa, but at least Mikasa taught him what he wanted and didn’t want in a wife. At least he could still have Mikasa as a close friend.

First Confession

The day before Reiner and Pieck were to depart, Mikasa and Armin visited the grave, where she worried what to do with her life when the orphans grew up. Armin spoke only kind words and reassured him that she could tell him anything; no matter what life threw at them, she would always be as close to him as a sister would, and he only wanted happiness for her. 

After they stood in silence and then spoke to the grave, Mikasa and Arnim walked down the hill together, each reminiscing about themselves as children running up the hill. Then Mikasa asked Armin if it was wrong of her to betray Eren by loving another man, even if it wasn’t to the extent that she felt for Eren. Armin said it wasn’t a betrayal; if anything, Eren wouldn’t want her to spend the rest of her life alone. Then he asked if it was about Jean, with whom she had seemed more communicative lately. When Mikasa flushed, Armin continued: “When you’re away from him, do you miss him? Do you hope he’s happy, worry if he’s safe?” 

Mikasa’s eyes burned. 

“He makes you feel safe, right? He makes you feel… a sense of security, one that you haven’t felt since Eren?” 

Mikasa’s stomach boiled with a sick feeling. She didn’t want to admit it, but she knew that the longer and more she denied it, the worse she would feel. “Yes,” she whispered. “And it feels…somewhat different than how I felt with Eren.” She had to clench her teeth and fists before she lost her balance. She remembered visiting Eren’s grave even in the snow to stifle those feelings and deny that her heart could open itself to that vulnerability once more. “Armin…” 

“Yes?” asked Amin. “Mikasa, what is it?” 

Mikasa, with tears in her clenched eyes, swallowed. “Yes… I think I love him.” 

First Kiss

Mikasa felt bashful around Jean. She realized that she was starting to fall for him but worried that she could not give him what he wanted, what she had wanted to give to Eren. She didn’t want to break hearts, yet she didn’t want to lose him. Therefore, she kept a respectable distance from him as they waved to Reiner and Pieck aboard the ship taking them back to Mikasa. When they reached the train station so Connie and Jean could go to their respective homes, Jean asked Mikasa if he could still write to her. She said yes. 

Then, after months of speculation and sickness never bled into her letters, she asked to see him in person and what day they could meet in Trost. She wanted to talk to him and say things that she did not want to put to paper. 

The day started out nicely, with Jean’s mother cooking up a feast and gushing over this woman that her son marveled about when he was younger–because, of course, of her strength and that she was a magnificent warrior. Jean’s face burned, but Mikasa didn’t mind. It was nice getting this sense of family again, in which the parents hovered over the offspring no matter how old. When lunch was over, Jean’s mother gave Mikasa a walking tour of Trost and supplemented with stories of Jean’s childhood. No matter how often Jean grumbled, Mikasa was attentive and softly smiled. She liked hearing stories of Jean as an innocent boy oblivious to certain horrors of the world, unaware that he would become one of the greatest soldiers of his generation. She was having such a good time that she didn’t leave until hours after dinner. 

Jean walked her to the train station, but before they entered, he stopped and pulled her aside. “Mikasa,” he started almost hesitantly, “what is it that you wanted to tell me in person?” 

Mikasa swallowed. “Well…before I get there, I wanted to ask you something–something a little uncomfortable.” When Jean didn’t respond but made an encouraging face, she continued: “Remember when we were all in that cell, in Shiganshina? When…When I asked Armin not to repeat those hurtful things that Eren was saying to me–why did you push him to say them anyway?” 

Jean blinked, like he couldn’t believe that she would remember such an awkward conversation. “Well…like I said, I thought that he had a motivation, a reason for wanting to hurt you, and as we all know, he must have had some reason to isolate himself from even you and Armin, given how much he cared about you over everything else.” 

Mikasa nodded once. “But why did you want to know, even though you knew that hearing them again would have hurt me again?” 

Jean clenched his teeth. “If he was hurting you, you know, to push you away, I needed to know how he was hurting you, to understand why he would hurt you in the first place. And we realized why.” He looked at her with a line between his eyebrows. “Why do you ask?” 

Mikasa didn’t respond. Her eyes flickered over his shoulder for a moment. “Does it bother you, still, thinking about how he said things that he probably didn’t mean?” he asked. When she continued to stay silent, he sighed. “I’m sorry, Mikasa. I know how important he was to you, so if I sound like I’m trash-talking someone you love–and I don’t want to be talking badly about him so you would think I’m trying to make you forget him”--

“I don’t want to be Ymir,” she said, “and I don’t want to keep mourning over what could have been.” She gave Jean a look not of vulnerability but of determination, one that had deepened his attraction to her when they were in the trainee corps. “If…If I wanted to visit his grave with someone…would you go with me?” 

Jean’s eyes briefly widened. “I’d go with you multiple times a day if you needed,” he said. “Eren was my friend, too, don’t forget, so it would be for you as much as myself. I want to put my friends above myself, just as a husband should for his wife, a father for his children, a neighbor for his neighbor, a citizen for his country.” Then he blinked. “Why?” 

Mikasa took a deep breath and swallowed. “Jean…” She touched his face and stared into his eyes and could see that underlying yearning for her–no matter how hard and frequently he insisted that he got over her and was waiting for the right woman. 

*** 

For Jean, kissing Mikasa was a dream that he never thought would come true. For Mikasa, kissing Jean felt like the traumas of her life had been briefly lifted from her and could not touch her at that moment.

First Time

Jean and Mikasa were married on a bright day, what they calculated to be the anniversary of when they first met, when Jean first saw Mikasa and complimented her on her beautiful black hair. Jean nervously chewed on his lip until he saw Mikasa in her bright white gown, clutching the crease of Armin’s elbow and beaming like she was having the best dream of her adult life. He vowed to love her every day of their lives, even in the bad times, and to put her above himself. 

His mother sobbed into her hands when her little boy kissed his bride and tilted her back, as he had seen in other weddings. She hugged his shoulders and kissed just as hard and passionately. When they reluctantly parted, the Queen declared that it was time for pictures using the best camera from Marley, and then the orphans for whom Mikasa cared as children brought out the greatest foods and wine, while those skilled in music played instruments. It was like that night in Marley, all of the laughing and drinking and goofy behavior. The reception did not stop until way after dark, so the Queen’s carriage carefully rode their newlywed’s into their own house.  

Before leaving to go home, however, Jean told the carriage driver to “go ahead” but told Mikasa that she could close her eyes and rest. When she leaned her head against his shoulder and took his hand, he kissed her temple and studied her smile until the carriage stopped. Jean stepped outside, helped her out of the carriage, and carried her up the hill to the grave with a lantern in one hand. Mikasa’s eyes widened until he reached the headstone and gently set her onto her feet. He greeted the headstone, knelt down, and talked about the beautiful ceremony and how it was so much better than he could have ever dreamed. Then he stepped back and encouraged Mikasa to speak about the wedding. Mikasa talked about Armin giving her away, how beautiful Annie and Historia looked in pink, and the Kirstein jewels that her new mother-in-law had gifted her the night before to wear. 

Then Mikasa squatted down without dirtying her gown and laid her bouquet over the grave. “We will see you again soon,” she promised. When she indicated to Jean that she was ready to leave, he picked her up again and carried her down to the carriage, and then she started weeping. He didn’t ask why; he didn’t have to. She still said, “Thank you…for letting him be part of our special day.” 

Jean kissed her forehead and reminded her that Eren was his friend, too. He absolutely deserved it. She looked back one last time and then entered the carriage. 

Jean and Mikasa, however, did not consummate their marriage that night. When Jean carried his bride into their new home, they spent the early hours of the evening sharing wine, laughing, and singing and dancing even though no music was playing. They were not ready to go to sleep, even though the yawning increased, but they were too jubilant to stop and consider making love for the first time. 

The next morning, when Jean and Mikasa failed to meet with their loved ones for a midmorning tea, his concerned parents ventured to their son’s house. The door was unlocked, a wine bottle had spilled onto the floor, and their son and new daughter-in-law were sleeping against the front of the couch, his jacket gone and the back of her gown unzipped. They reeked of wine, and their hair was wild. Jean’s mother was convinced that not even the loudest sounds could wake them up.

When the newlyweds did wake up in the midafternoon, they sheepishly changed into less formal clothes and ate away their hangovers with Mr. Omelet and steamed broccoli and diced bacon. As embarrassed as they were that his parents caught them in that state, the fun they had that night was worth the amused yet slightly judgmental looks. Jean’s father kept reassuring them that it was something to laugh about come their first anniversary. Mikasa didn’t think the humiliation would go away by then–maybe in the next 2,000 years. 

Her in-laws did not leave until long after sunset, but they reminded Mikasa about the present upstairs she needed for her special night. After Jean let her change in the bathroom, Mikasa unboxed and pulled out the item that had been tailored for her—a simple white nightgown with golden rods on the straps, a V-shaped neckline that stopped at the top of the sternum, and a small slit at the side. As soon as she pulled it on, she unveiled the matching robe with lace on the cuffs. 

She didn’t make a show of it when she walked out of the bathroom, but the look on Jean’s face made her feel very beautiful and very vulnerable. She caressed his jaw as an offer of comfort, and he hugged her very tightly. Only when she kissed his neck and whispered to him did he walk her into their bedroom. 

Jean had his eyes closed the entire time that he unbuttoned and removed his shirt. Then he pulled off his socks, unbuckled his belt, and set them on top of the chair. He looked into his bride’s face as he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. Then he closed his eyes and decided to remove everything. 

Jean stepped out of the clothing and slowly opened his eyes. Mikasa stared at him, transfixed with the length of his bare legs, the muscles in his arms, and the bones of his hips and collar protruding from his skin. He anxiously gripped his thighs and worried what she thought, seeing him at his barest and all of the flaws and scars that he would not have shared with anyone but the woman he loved above others. 

Jean took a deep breath and turned around so she could see the back of his body. He was overweight as a boy and still felt insecure about his appearance—was there something about him that made him look unfit to her? Did he gain weight somewhere that she thought undesirable? He swallowed and wrapped his arms around himself. He wished that he knew what she was thinking. What if he gained weight when or if she became pregnant– “papa bellies,” Marlyeans called what they made fun of. That’s why he was more conscious about how much he drank and felt guilty whenever he overindulged. 

He didn’t know that she was behind him until he felt her arms wrap around his waist from behind and her face nuzzle into his upper back. “I hope you feel safe with me,” she whispered, “because I feel that around you.” That was enough for Jean to turn around and kiss her until she raised her arms as permission for him to remove the nightgown. They kissed naked for so long that hours must have passed until he asked if they could move to the bed. 

She pulled away the comforter and sheets before she lied down. Jean followed and waited for her to feel comfortable. Then he crawled over her and thumbed her cheek. “I trust you,” he whispered. “And I love you.” 

Mikasa clasped his neck in both hands. “I love you, too.” Then she closed her eyes and parted her mouth. 

The back of Jean’s mind raced with the advice that his father gave him about giving his bride pleasure and easing her through an intimidating, intimate activity, but his main focus was the love he felt for her and how nice it felt to give and feel love. He returned the kiss and imagined the entire world celebrating their union. 

They spent the early hours of their wedding night exploring each other and what brought them greater pleasure. Both had come into bed worried about impending awkwardness, but the patience that the other had eased the nervousness as they learned how and where to make good use for future lovemaking. Sometimes they stopped just to hug and savor this new beginning. 

Jean thought that the actual act was to be the most memorable moment of the night, but he found that the afterglow, when both were sticky and twitching, his back stung from where she unintentionally clawed him, and her eyes fluttered as she panted, was his favorite. He didn’t feel any different just because he had intercourse for the first time. What was different was that he now had the perfect partner to whom he would make love. 

They steadied their breathing when he lay on his back and she nested her head on his chest, fingers stroking his chest, her back. They napped for two hours, woke up to share a glass of water, and relished in the silence as they took in how happy they made each other. 

Jean nuzzled her neck and hoped that the joy in his chest would continue beyond that night. They had a lifetime, hopefully, to bring each other and themselves immense happiness. They had only been married for one day, but he was looking forward to this new stage of his life. “I love you,” he whispered into her skin. 

“I love you, too,” she whispered back, her fingers intertwining with his in a tight grip. 

First Anniversary

Mikasa didn’t know what she was clutching harder–the handful of wildflowers she had just picked, or her husband’s hand. Jean didn’t know if she was more hesitant or excited as they walked up the hill. Even after one year of marriage, he was still learning so much about her, like how she preferred to hang wet laundry and which vinegars she disliked for pickling certain produce. 

When they reached the headstone, they crouched down and laid the flowers onto the ground. “Hi Eren,” said Mikasa. “It’s been a while, but it feels like only yesterday that we came to say hi.” She talked about how strange it was to have been married for an entire year, and yet few things seemed to have changed–only the love grew, and the communication improved, and she and Jean felt even closer than before. 

“We have a picnic back home, with our friends and family there,” said Jean, “but before we go, Mikasa here has some big news.” He smiled at his wife, who was also beaming. 

Mikasa cleared her throat. “We’ve kept it a secret for a while, and…we’re going to share it with everyone else today at the picnic,” she started. “But I just wanted you to be the first one to know.” She took and squeezed Jean’s hand. “Jean and I are having a baby.”

First Baby

Marco was stuck in the birth canal for almost three minutes but slid out before the midwives could suggest kicking Jean out of the room to eject the baby in a more graphic method. He screamed loudly and kicked so hard that the midwives struggled to put a diaper on him before presenting him to his parents. Never before had Mikasa wept in elation, and never before had Jean realized how much love he could give. Everything else in the world didn’t seem to matter as much as this beautiful baby boy.

First Loss

Marco was, at times, an unpredictable child. Some days, he was like clockwork–he woke at the same time, was hungry at the same time, needed changing at the same time, went to sleep at the same time–and some days, he had different needs and tested his parents. Interestingly enough, his sleeping was also unpredictable. Some nights, he cried in the middle of the night for no reason–not even a midnight feeding. Some nights, he slept soundly through thunderstorms and that one time his mother screeched in bed.  

Jean did his best to calm his wife and care for her before he ran downstairs to use the phone, and then ran back up as soon as he hung up. He tended to her the entire time, in shock and disbelief and absolute horror, tears and sweat in his eyes because this nightmare was worse than anything he had ever experienced. Then he ran downstairs, let in the guest, and hurried her back to his bedroom. 

All that time, Marco slept on. 

The doctor asked so many questions in an effort to calm the couple, and then looked up with a crestfallen expression. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “You lost the baby.” 

Mikasa wailed into her fist and rocked back and forth. She didn’t even know she was pregnant–they hadn’t even tried, since they wanted to wait until Marco was at least two–and she lost what could have been another great source of joy for her. Jean wept, too, and calmed himself by stroking her hair and rocking her back and forth. So many lost opportunities, regardless if it was a boy or girl, the jobs, the hobbies, the grandchildren, the trouble, the bad periods… Jean kissed Mikasa’s temple and sniffed. “I don’t know how to get over it,” he whispered. 

The doctor let the couple weep and use up their tears, and then made sure that Mikasa stopped bleeding. She helped Jean change the sheets as well and then asked Mikasa about her diet and lifestyle–but nothing added up. Sometimes, bodies did not always carry full pregnancies. 

Mikasa felt like she was a child again, confident that her mother was having another baby, and to know that the baby had died with their mother in that one moment… She sniffed in Jean’s shoulder again. 

“I do have good news, though,” said the doctor. “You can still have children–I would just wait for three more months to try again.” 

Mikasa lifted her head, as did Jean. “What?” 

The doctor smiled. “Some women, after a miscarriage, they can’t get pregnant ever again, or another pregnancy kills them.” 

Jean shivered. 

“Based on your lifestyle and your previous pregnancy, you can try to conceive again after at least three months,” the doctor repeated. She smiled when the couple looked relieved and kissed each other. They could still have another baby. Hope was not lost. Yes, this loss would bother them for life, but as long as they kept living long lives to the fullest, it would not ache as much.

First Girl

Sasha was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and did not breathe for her first five minutes of life. She admired her parents, hated potatoes, played with a doll that had belonged to her namesake, always received a pretty dress from her grandmother, and was afraid of the Yeagerists.

First Crime

She studied the crowd with blurred, bruised eyes. She listened to the man to her left recount her crimes and explain why she had been badly tortured. Her wrists were raw and still burned from the ropes, and her lungs hitched every time she took a deep breath. She tried to swallow. She watched them swing the noose in front of her and then drape over her head. 

Punishment, they declared, for disloyalty to the Yeagerists… The punishment for defiance. The noose was tight around her neck. She was going to die without saying any last words– 

Just then, she heard a familiar swipe and clink of a long sword, and then a weight pushed her out of the way without the noose. The crowd gasped as the weight carried her over the crowd. “Hurry!” cried a familiar voice, one that she had not heard in years. “Go over to the border and bring Hitch to Annie!” 

Hitch forced her swollen eyes to open, and she could see through the disguise–she could recognize that horse face anywhere. Then he dropped her onto a horse and panted. “Go!” he yelled. Hitch immediately, though in disbelief, processed that she was embracing her old roommate from behind and clung to Annie as the horse galloped away from the Yeagerists that tried to hang her for her “betrayal”--having a change of heart, becoming a secret agent for the Queen and the Alliance. She was tired of years of empty threats that never came to fruition, and she slowly hated the notion of children becoming involved and fighting on the streets. With help from the Alliance, Annie and the other ambassadors were able to secure Hitch asylum in Hizuru. 

Once they escaped the crowds, but not before kicking Rico in the face hard enough to make blood fly, Jean pulled his wife into an empty alley and removed the mask from over the top half of his face and head. “We did it,” he whispered. 

“And soon they will target us,” Mikasa reminded him. “They will know that somehow we knew that Hitch began to work for the Queen…and they’ll target our children before they target us.” 

Jean cupped Mikasa’s face in his hands. “We will fight back,” he said, always the optimist when she was the pessimist. “Not today, or tomorrow, but one day. We’re Scouts–we never give up.” 

First Family Trip

Once the island faded from view, Mikasa took a deep breath and leaned against her husband’s shoulder. He rubbed her arms and concentrated on the relief they shared. It was dark that night, and the children were cranky and sleepy, but they and Connie managed to board a steamship ahead of schedule. They knew that the Yeagerists would piece together their rule in Hitch’s escape, so the earlier they fled, the safer they would be. The Queen, as before, protected Jean’s parents so the couple could ensure that the entire family was not going into hiding as they rushed to Hizuru for a peace conference–and for Mikasa to learn more of her heritage. 

The family missed breakfast the next day, but Kiyomi welcomed them in Hizuru with Armin and Annie at her side; Reiner and Pieck would join within a week. Kiyomi greeted Jean, doted on how big Marco and Sasha were growing, and embraced Mikasa with open arms. Then they hurried to the undisclosed location where the family would stay for their tenure in Hizuru, with the tightest security: In addition to the growing bump under Annie’s clothes, Mikasa admitted that she was three months pregnant with her third child. 

***

Despite the tension due to the ongoing events in Paradis, neither Mikasa nor Jean had experienced so much fun, especially with their children. Kiyomi took them, the children, Armin, Annie, Connie, Reiner, and Pieck on a boat tour around the rebuilding and famous waterfalls of the land. Then they explored a “zoo” featuring animals from all over the world, and where the zookeepers allowed Marco and Sasha to feed the animals. Marco and Sasha took painting lessons while their father was in meetings and listened to translators read aloud history books of Hizuru. Connie took Sasha out to sample desserts, and Armin and Annie walked with Marco around beautiful gardens on days when Mikasa was too tired from morning sickness. She overcame her morning sickness–and began showing–in time for the alliance to travel to Marley for another round of accords agreements. 

Two days after the Kirsten family arrived in Marley, Annie went into labor. Mr. Leonhart left to bring the midwife while Jean, Connie, Reiner, and Pieck took Marco and Sasha out to explore the city. Mikasa agreed to help Armin coach Annie through her contractions, and Hitch, who felt out of place in Hizuru but was not ready to go back to Paradis yet, kindly prepared the room for the birth with towels, boiling water, and scissors. 

Armin was nervous about Mikasa being around Annie, given the stress it would put on her unborn child, but Mikasa reassured him that her child would be safe. She explained to Annie the different stages of labor and told Armin how to motivate her to breathe–by counting between contractions. Annie squeezed Mikasa’s hand through pushes, but Mmikasa squeezed back and reminded Armin, over and over, to coach his wife into breathing until, after five hours, their little one was born. Mr. Leonhart embraced the baby with tears in his eyes, and Marco and Sasha awed over baby Arlet. Annie, on the other hand, looked at her baby with more love than she had ever given anyone, even her husband. 

The alliance threw a small party for the baby after Marco and Sasha went to bed, and Annie decided to go on hiatus until her baby was six months old; Hitch volunteered to be the “nanny” until or unless she could return to Paradis. In the end, she decided not to go back when the accords were completed, and the Kirsten family prepared to go back to deliver the baby on the island. 

The children had finished breakfast and were scrambling to change out of their pajamas, but Mikasa had dressed before so she could spend some time alone on the bow of the ship to watch the island grow bigger in view. 

She caressed the giant bump under her dress. Welcome home, little one, she mentally told her unborn. I hope that you will have a safer childhood here on this island than children before you. 

***

Zoe was born on a warm, sunny afternoon. Unlike her namesake, she was careful around what intrigued her.

First Gray

Mikasa impatiently wiped breastmilk from the top of her dress and shook her head. The smell was going to stay, and the dress needed extra washing. Of her three children, Zoe was the messiest eater. Mikasa very much looked forward to and dreaded when the time came to introduce Zoe to solid foods. 

She set down the rag and walked back to the living room, where Jean was teaching Marco to read, and Sasha was on the floor trying to teach Zoe how to roll over. Unfortunately, Marco looked up at his mother and pointed at her. “You still have some stuff in your hair,” he informed her. Jean chided him for being rude, but M thanked her son and went to the bathroom to check in the mirror. 

She wet a washcloth, ran it over the milk in her hair, and was about to toss it into the bin when she noticed that she missed a spot. Mikasa frowned and wiped at it again, but it did not come off. She used her fingers, but even that did not remove the white in her hair. She leaned forward and realized that it was not milk but a strand of gray hair. 

At that moment, the whole world around her seemed to shift. She was growing older. Her time in the world was limiting. She would have less time to spend with her children and husband. She would not be able to experience everything she wanted since she learned of the world outside the island. 

Then she heard tiny footsteps thundering her way, and she left the bathroom in time to hear Sasha complain about how Zoe was too slow to learn to roll over. Mikasa had to laugh–after all, Sasha learned to talk before she could walk, but it was the other way around for Marco, and Sasha learned to roll over before she could lift her head. Mikasa wore a mask for the rest of the day and supervised the children washing vegetables for dinner, picking up and putting away their toys, and changing into their pajamas. She nursed Zoe while Jean supervised the children brushing their teeth, cleaned up the baby’s messy chin, and put her in her crib. 

Mikasa studied the gray hair and searched her scalp for more small grays when Jean knocked on the door. “Mikasa? Are you coming to bed yet?” When she didn’t respond, Jean walked in and saw her staring at herself in the mirror. Mikasa didn’t notice him until he put his hands on her shoulders. She spun around with tears in her eyes, and Jean’s face fell. “Mika? What’s wrong?” 

Mikasa swallowed and pointed to the gray hair. “Jean…I’m graying. I’m getting older, and I–I’m…I’m losing time in my life.” 

Jean cupped his hands around her face, and the look of unconditional, pure love that he gave her with his eyes and mouth made her heart melt every time. “You’re always beautiful, Mika,” he whispered. “Don’t ever think that I will fall out of love with you because your hair turns all gray or all white–or that you’re getting older and aging.” He kissed her temple and turned around. “If I truly wanted you to look a certain way for as long as you lived…would I ask you to do this with me?” 

Mikasa watched him turn on the faucet in the bathtub and proceed to undress. Then he outstretched his hand to her, which she took, and helped her out of her clothes before they stepped into the rising warm water. Jean studied his wife’s body–stretch marks, a more fleshy midsection from three pregnancies, and flaky nipples on swollen breasts–and became teary eyed. “Mikasa, I only fall more in love with you every day, and I fall in love with you all over again in the morning. How can I not?” He cupped her face and wiped her wet cheekbones. “Remember–I will love you everyday, just as I do now, until I die.” He pulled his wife to his chest and positioned her hand over his heart. “And all I care about is that you are my partner, and that we work through good and bad to raise our children.” 

Mikasa’s eyes watered again, and she snuggled closer to her husband. Nothing, not even Zoe’s crying, could get her to move away.

First Health Scare

Zoe, at only two, was more helpful to her parents in the market, unlike Marco and Sasha, who preferred to run around and look for other children to play with, or ask for samples of cheese or pastries from vendors. While Marco and Sasha skipped to the butcher’s to taste different sausages, Jean asked Zoe to carry the bunch of celery that he bought, promising her a longer playtime in the afternoon. Zoe’s eyes sparkled, but Mikasa knew that Jean was tasking Zoe with minor assistance just so she would gradually stop sucking on her thumb. 

“Marco, Sasha!” Mikasa yelled, a bag in one arm and Zoe’s hand in hers. “Don’t run too far!” 

The children sighed and walked over to the baker’s stand to wait for their parents. They nibbled on samples of sourdough bread while their parents and sister continued with their shopping. Given their father’s good work and their mother’s notoriety as one of the best soldiers in the island’s history, everyone in the market was very friendly and looked after the Kirstein children. 

“Hey Mika,” Jean hissed. “Could we…stop for a bit? I need to sit down…” 

Mikasa watched her husband, sweating so much on a chilly day, lose all color in his face and sit down between vendors and nearly drop the bag in his arm. His hands were shaking. 

“Jean?” Mikasa knelt down and set her bag by his. “Jean? What is it…” 

Jean was hissing, but he couldn’t breathe well, and he struggled to speak. Mikasa, still holding Zoe’s arm, lifted her head. “Someone call for help!” she yelled. “Hurry! He needs a doctor!” 

As people began to step away from the young couple, Mikasa yelled for her two older children to hurry over. Marco and Sasha dashed to their mother’s side, and parents pulled away their children to give the family space, and a public carriage that was driving by rather quickly suddenly stopped. The conductor jumped off, threw open the door to the carriage, and helped Mikasa heave Jean inside. Then he encouraged the children, who were sobbing and clutching each other’s arms, inside and raced to the hospital. There the staff took J away while a doctor interrogated Mikasa about her husband’s medical history. She was patient with the woman who answered as truthfully as she could all while consoling three hysterical children who worried that they would never see their father again.

As soon as she was done, the doctor rushed to the emergency room and told Mikasa to wait outside. Mikasa shook as she used the pay phone—a true gift from Marley—to call her mother-in-law and tell her to come over immediately.  

For three hours straight, Mikasa hugged her babies and wept. Eren, she mentally prayed, if you can hear me…please save Jean. Spare him from death. You want us to live long lives…so please allow him to live until a very old age. She let the tears fall and rocked her children as calmly as she could. 

*** 

Mikasa didn’t realize that she fell asleep until she sensed a presence in front of her. It was the doctor. “Ma’am?” she whispered. “You are his wife, correct?”  

Mikasa briefly checked on her children. Zoe was asleep against her shoulder, with her tiny arms around Mikasa’s neck, and Marco and Sasha were curled fetal position on the bench. She nodded at the doctor, who informed her that Jean was alive and in stable condition; he could probably return home in a day or two. They were still trying to find a cause for the heart attack, but so far recommended that Jean rest in bed for a few days and refrain from strenuous activities for at least a month. 

The doctor looked down at the children sleeping around their mother. “When they wake up, you can see him,” she added.  

Mikasa smiled at her children and propped Zoe’s head onto her shoulder. “Marco, Sasha, wake up,” she hissed with gentle shakes on their shoulders. They whined and rubbed their eyes. “Keep your voices down,” she added. “Let’s see Papa.” 

Marco’s and Sasha’s eyes widen, and they hopped off the bench to follow Mikasa into the hospital room. Jean was awake, and his smile upon seeing Mikasa and the children was something she wanted to remember every day for life. He kissed their foreheads and the back of Zoe’s head as she slept, and then pulled in Mikasa for a long kiss. He reassured Marco and Sasha that he was not dying; it was just something very scary, but as long as he kept eating well, limited how much he drank, avoided cigarettes and cigars, and did not sit around all day, he would have less trips to the hospital. Marco and Sasha nodded and talked about the pastries and meat and cheese they ate at the market until Jean’s mother came in. She embraced her son, kissed her grandchildren, and stayed until visiting hours ended, after which she and Mikasa reluctantly left. 

As Mikasa had tucked the children into bed, Mama Kirsten opened the door and saw that the knocking was from Austin, a little boy from the neighborhood and one of Marco’s classmates. He saw that Mikasa left behind her bag of food at the market, so he took it home to hold on to until she came back; some of the tomatoes were ruined, so he asked his parents to replace them and not have Mikasa and Jean pay them back. When Mama Kirsten told Mikasa, Mikasa had a sense of relief that not all children were doomed. Yes, the mindset of the Yeagerists still plagued many children, but then there were those parents who were raising their children differently, to be good neighbors and live for peace, not power. “You and my son raised your children good,” Mama Kirstein reassured her. “You should be proud.” 

Mikasa took her mother-in-law’s hand over their teacups and squeezed. “I’m always proud. I just hope that I will continue to be prouder when they grow into adults.” 

Mama Kirstein’s smile widened. “Then continue to use this time–their time as children–wisely. Every day they live and learn, there’s no going back.” She watched Mikasa nod and smile at her wise words.

First In-Law

Mikasa considered herself fortunate to have a wonderful ally and mentor so that she would have strong feelings, but every day she seemed to miss her mother-in-law even more. Mrs. Kirstein had died only eight years before, but it was still hard to process losing another mother figure. She had lost two mothers but never a mother-in-law who still taught her something every time they saw each other. As much as she tried to apply everything she learned from her own mother and Carla to her own children, she also took into account the kind of woman that Jean’s mother had been, and the mother-in-law that she wanted to be. 

Marco must have noticed, for he flexed his arm that she clutched. “Mama,” he whispered, “don’t worry.” 

Mikasa dabbed her wet cheeks but smiled as she walked with him, taking in the smiles from her husband, their daughters, and young men she had watched grow up. Then she kissed Marco’s cheek before she joined her husband. It seemed so long ago that he was born, that she and Jean took him to visit the grave for the first time, that he took a solo trip to Hizuru. Time was too fast for Mikasa to process. 

Just then, the music started playing. As if they were on the same wavelength, Mikasa, Jean, and the guests stood up and turned around in time to see Marissa and her father step into view. Mikasa’s eyes burned with tears. Marissa looked so beautiful in white, and the Kirstein jewels–which Mikasa had gifted to her the night before, as Mama Kirstein had for her–only complimented Marissa’s appearance. Marissa, however, only had eyes for Marco at the altar. Only when Marissa approached her fiance did Mikasa see that her baby boy was sobbing harder than he ever did as a child, and then Mikasa started crying because she could feel how happy he was. He might not have been a baby for years, but the motherly instinct and connection remained strong. She could even feel how joyful Sasha and Zoe felt, wiping their own cheeks and hiding half of their faces behind their bouquets. 

Marco and Marissa pledged their lives to each other, but only when they kissed did the tears flow–not just because of joy, but because she truly felt the reward of her sacrifice and of her putting her life on the line for the island. 

***

The reception, one of the most fun that Mikasa and Jean had ever been to, consisted of people they have met and collected over the years. The alliance met and danced with Marco’s former schoolteachers and the grown orphans whom Mikasa helped raise. Mikasa and Jean introduced Hitch to Austin, Marco’s best man, and his family, and Marco’s friends from Hizuru. Historia’s daughter challenged Armin and Annie’s son to a tap dance round, which she sorely lost. 

When it was time to give speeches, Mikasa spoke about welcoming Marissa into the family with open arms and how proud she was of the man that Marco had grown to become; Jean said that he knew that he had done right as a father from seeing how Marco not only treated Marissa, but also how he picked someone who was as good for him as he was for her. Then Sasha and Zoe giggled through their speeches to their brother and new sister-in-law, and then Marissa’s parents gushed over how glad they were to welcome Marco as another son into their family.  

“We did good,” Jean whispered with a kiss to her ear. “I knew that you would be an amazing mother–and now look at the adults our children have grown up into.” 

Mikasa, however, still thought of her late mother-in-law and how happy she was to have her as a third mother figure. Now, as she watched Marco dance with his bride, Zoe feed her fiancé cubes of cheese, and Sasha laugh in the arms of her boyfriend, she felt less mournful and more excited to be as great a mother-in-law as her own had been, and to watch her children’s continuing evolution. 

First Grandchild

Age was slowly catching up with them. Neither Mikasa nor Jean remembered the first signs that their bodies were weakening, but once Jean’s back started to ache when he walked or stood, and Mikasa’s hip flared in pain for no reason at times, the discomforts only seemed to spread and grow, and even reopen old wounds from their past. They managed to hide it from their children for a while, but any time one of them felt too stiff or unable to move, they reflected on Jean’s parents in the last years of their lives–the canes, the extra support, the winces, the groans, the hisses, and the constant fear that one day, one of them would fall and never be able to get up. 

Death was not quite upon them yet, they knew, but they knew that it was closer since they cheated out of an early demise years ago. Death was not quite upon them yet, so they made the full use of the lives they still had. 

For all the cruelty that the world was full of, as Mikasa knew, the world was also of beauty, from nature to small miracles. She said that all the time to her children as they grew up and complained about minor injustices and major disappointments. She suspected that she would say that to her grandchildren. As it turned out, it was the first thing she said to her very first grandchild. 

She remembered being with Sasha when her daughter went into labor, and Sasha spent the entire trip to the hospital panicking that her husband would not make it into the delivery room on time. Mikasa stayed with her daughter throughout the labor, held her hands, hummed to her the lullaby that lured her and her siblings to sleep when they were babies, and coached her into breathing and stretching. Fortunately, her son-in-law made it right in time for Sasha to begin pushing. Mikasa was so fixated on her daughter’s well-being that only when she heard the first cries did it occur to her that she was now a grandmother. 

She lived to embrace a title that her own mother never could.  

When she first peeked at the tiny red face, her eyes burning with tears as she recalled all of the people she lost and the opportunity they could never have, she whispered, “Welcome to the world. It is both cruel and beautiful.” 

She said that every time that she embraced her granddaughter, just as she had reflected on them that night. The world was still cruel, but few things were as beautiful as watching Jean, despite the wheezing and the knees that burned every time he walked down the stairs, bottle feeding their granddaughter. Little Ashly’s eyelids fluttered to the pattern of her grandfather’s rocking, the way he rocked her mother, aunt, and uncle. It felt like old times, feeding a crying baby, but without the stress of putting the older child–then children–back to bed. For a moment, they felt like they were taken back to when it was just them and Marco, back when they were excited but also extremely stressed new parents who had no idea whether they should follow Jean’s parents’ parenting advice or learn on their own. In that time, Mikasa and Jean had grown wiser, and their relationship had grown stronger. The heartache from their past no longer tormented them as it used to. 

When Ashly stopped eating, Jean propped her onto his shoulder and patted her warm back. She barely resisted and was quick to belch. Mikasa chuckled and held out her arms for her granddaughter. It was a warm night, and embracing Ashly always made her sweat, but she never missed an opportunity to hug the little one, her newest love. She hummed to Ashly even after she had fallen asleep and hugged her for twenty more minutes. Then she reluctantly put Ashly back in the crib, joined her husband back at the kitchen table, and wheezed now that she could no longer exhale. They chatted about their new source of happiness and their hopes that she would grow up to be as great as, if not greater than, her parents, aunt, and uncle. 

Nevertheless, Mikasa always felt wistful when she looked at her first grandchild. She remembered wondering, especially back after Marco was born, what kind of child she was and yearning for the innocent life she lived as that little girl in the cabin. Now, she wanted to spend her final days, months, years in pride about the life she lived after she thought she lost everything.

First Morning Without

Jean started to wake up from a heavy, bittersweet dream. He dreamt that Mikasa was dying, and that he had called his children, their spouses, and the grandchildren, who all arrived within two hours. Luckily, the grandchildren–four beautiful darlings, two little boys and two little girls–were on their best behavior and calmly, though tearfully, kissed their grandmother. Then the in-laws led the children downstairs to “play” and give their spouses time alone with their mother. 

Mikasa wept as she conversed with her husband and children. She loved them, and she was so scared to leave behind those she loved most. She gripped Jean’s hand as tightly as she could, and he reassured her that she had not lost her Ackerman strength even in old age. 

“You’ve lived a good life, Mom,” Zoe whispered to her. “Very few people have done as much, or are even as brave as you… You’re a hero.” She brushed Mikasa’s hair from her forehead and quickly dabbed at her own dripping nose. 

Marco and Sasha agreed. “We’re so fortunate that you’re our mother,” added Sasha. “Think of all you’ve done in your life–and look at the reward: a new chance at family. And you always say how proud you are of us.”

Mikasa nodded with tears. “I am, sweetheart,” she whispered. “You have been incredible children, and you are amazing adults and parents…”

“We couldn’t have done it, or be where we are now without you, Mom,” said Marco. “You gave life another chance.” 

Mikasa nodded along. Then Jean rubbed up her arm. “I love you so much, Mika,” he whispered. He reached forward and wrapped the scarf–the one material item she held onto since her youth–tighter around her shoulders. “As much as I already miss you…think of all the people we have lost and missed for years, and how…” He stopped and sniffed but didn’t wipe his eyes. “Think…you will get to see them again, people we have missed for over fifty years…” 

Mikasa’s eyes widened, and then she beamed. “Thank you, Jean…for being there for me when I needed you…for–for wrapping this scarf tighter around me…when I needed it.” She knew what her children were thinking–that they owed their entire existence to one man they never met, who led her to healing and love with an old friend–and that their father had been a great source of comfort to her in the years leading up to that moment. She gazed into their three faces and turned her head so she could see Jean’s face as well. “Thank you all…for being my family… I love you all…”

Then Jean woke up and saw his wife lying in front of him, her eyes closed, a peaceful smile on her lips. Her chest didn’t rise. Then he remembered that it wasn’t a dream, nor was the sobbing or the cries from his children as they left the room to give him space. He remembered how the world seemed to shift at that moment, when he had to let her go and live the remainder of his life without the partner he loved for years, who brought him as much happiness as he gave her. 

He knew that their children were sleeping in their childhood bedrooms with their spouses and children, so before they could wake up and the in-laws would cook breakfast to make him, his children, and the grandchildren eat, he kissed her cheek, pushed himself up, and opened the window the way she liked to wake him up on beautiful mornings.

The sunlight and breeze kissed the tear stains on Jean’s face. Say hello to the suicidal maniac for me, please, he prayed. 

***

Mikasa let him rock her back and forth in his arms, tearlessly sobbing in joy and grief. “I’m so glad you lived a long, happy life,” Eren whispered to her. He must have known that she was also grieving, for he added, “You will see them again…but for now, let them live their long lives.”

[everythinggrishaversebxm1012]

(Not) Just A Healer Part II

Summary - Nikolai Lantsov has all the more to lose when he returns to Ravka having fallen in love with a certain Healer while on the True Sea

Part I II Part II

Things did change a lot, as you suspected. For one the openness you could have about your relationship with Nikolai dropped a lot. Someone might just commit regicide on a mass level if they learned their prince was dating a Grisha. On second thought that’s perhaps what Ravka needed. A Grisha beside their prince. An effort to represent a reunited front. It was one evening while you were laying in bed with Nikolai when you suggested an engagement to Alina Starkov.    

“Hear me out Nikolai. What better way to ally our forces than through a marriage? With the Sun Summoner married to you, that may rally the forces necessary. The people respect you Nikolai. And such a marriage might be the necessary push to unify the First Army and the Second Army against Kirigan.”      

You tried to ignore the look on his face when you suggested such a thing, though part of him knew you were right. “She will never be a love match for me, you understand that, don’t you, moi magpie?”  

“Simply a political alliance,” you said into his neck. While you knew the suggestion came from your mouth it still hurt to see how easy it seemed for him to go through with it and suggest it to Alina. Alina was no fool and she saw what you and Nikolai shared, and it was only under your persuasion that she agreed.      

And so it was, two days later at dinner. You sat next to Mal, watching Nikolai sitting between his brother and Alina, as Nikolai said something to make Alina laugh. You and Mal shared quick glances before you saw Nikolai mouthing, moi magpie in your direction. Yes he agreed to your suggestion, but that didn’t mean he had any attraction to Alina Starkov. You saw Vasily say something to his mother and then look over to Nikolai say something, then glancing at Alina. It was the look in Nikolai’s eyes that suggested Vasily had said something to really get to him.    

You chugged down the alcohol in your glass as he announced his engagement to Alina, trying to look the part of any other Grisha sitting and eating amongst others. A feat that proved difficult. Nikolai wasted no time in finding you that evening, ensuring you knew how he felt about you. Everything changed even more at the engagement party for Nikolai and Alina where Vasily was killed by one of Kirigan’s Nichevo’ya. More than anything it meant Nikolai was in line for the throne, and quite frankly you weren’t upset though you felt sorry for your boyfriend on some level.     

You were busy healing people when it appeared Kirigan’s Show Monster’s seemed to be reappearing. Nikolai immediately looked at you and Alina pulling out his pistol. “Gather all the wounded and get out of here. Go to the fort called Zvedya,” he then turned to look directly at you. “The one south of Kribirsk. Find–”   

You watched Baghra walk into the space below ground with a woman behind her. You recognized her from your time training, Genya. Baghra glanced over at Nikolai upon his comment that she was the Grisha tea. She looked like she wanted to scoff, “Ah, the prince. The Puppy Prince. But I do not care truthfully. What I care about is if you fix it. Right the wrongs.” You watched Genya standing there, timidly as Alina embraced her. “Oh Saints, Genya. Look what he did to you.”    

You took note of the scars across her face. You cringed. You knew what Kirigan was like, and you were glad Nikolai had pulled you along with him.   

You watched Nikolai approach Genya, looking almost angry. “Genya Safin? You’re the Grisha who poisoned the king! When I am crowned king you will stand trial for treason against your country.”     

“No she won’t. She did what she had to do, to survive ,” Alina pressed, growing more defensive of Genya every moment.     

You slowly nodded from behind Nikolai. “She won’t, Nikolai.” You watched him turn to face you as you shook your head. There was a beat of silence before Nikolai nodded at your silent conversation with him. Something the two of you had grown to be good at during your time at sea.   

“Did the king force you?”      

“I never asked for his attention,” Genya responded not daring to look anyone in the eye.    

Nikolai looked back to you silently asking if you think she can be trusted and you only nod, continuously noting her scarred face. He nods in return before turning to look at Genya. “As the future king, you have my word that you are safe here.” He felt you reach for his hand and he took it, holding onto, finding support in it. Nobody made a point of asking, nobody cared after what had just transpired. “If you can tell me where he is based I shall throw everything I have at him.” He then turned to face you, looking somewhat exhausted. He kissed your hand gently before walking away.        

About an hour later Nikolai found himself among the pews of the former monastery, staring somewhere into space, contemplating anything and everything, on the verge of tears, when he heard someone’s feet. He looked up to see you slowly approaching him and tried to subtly wipe away a tear that spilled over.     

He slid over to give you space, turning to face you in the pew. He let out a long sigh as you reached for his hand. He turned to face the candles once again, feeling some comfort, even if small from your touch. “I know that look, Nikolai. What’s on your mind?”     

He looked at you again, a pained expression on his face. Other than the fact that Kirigan found where we are located? Other than the fact that I am to become King? Other than finally facing He knew you were only asking out of courtesy. You knew how he was doing.            

“Everything,” he responded, half-heartedly, not letting go of your hand.       

You nodded, letting the silence linger, something that you certainly weren’t getting much of these days. It was interrupted when Alina entered and you stood, leaving a lingering kiss on Nikolai’s cheek so they could speak in private which made your heart ping with jealousy for just a moment.        

Soon after that you learned that Alina had given the Lantsov Emerald back to Nikolai formally ending the engagement to search for the Firebird. While you still thought the engagement was good for alliance you quietly were thankful. It was decided that the next best thing would be to truly try and unite the First and Second Army of Ravka. You traveled with Nikolai, David, and Genya to Zvedya. You found yourself growing closer to Genya and David on the way. At the fort you reunited with a number of the soldiers you had known when you agreed to become a healer for Nikolai’s regiment. You also reunited with Dominik who was your partner in teasing Nikolai.         

Brief introductions were made. David proved himself rather useful, helping improve the weaponry and Genya used her unrivaled tailor skills to help fix a woman’s arm and hand. It was after that when Nikolai pulled you to the side to speak with you briefly.          

You had assumed that he simply wanted to talk strategy with you first. You had healed so many of the First Army and Nikolai would often discuss strategy with you as he was healed at your hands. You had a clear knack for it, and that was only proven further out on the seas when in battles with any enemies you met out there. He reached for your hand and pulled you into one of the side rooms inside the large fort before shutting the door behind him. A number of maps and other papers were sprawled over a table in front of you. The only lighting came from the windows, which cast a dim light. Nikolai gently kissed the top of your hand before circling around the table.         

You slowly approached the maps, looking over them, recognizing the detailed works of certain parts of Ravka. You were too busy thinking through possible ideas to notice Nikolai pulling the Lantsov Emerald from somewhere inside his uniform slowly lifting it. It was when he placed it over the maps directly in your eyesight did you pay him any attention. You looked up at him and met his gaze, already deciding to protest what you knew was coming. Of course you wanted to marry him, but that didn’t mean you thought right now would be a better time than any to be engaged to Alina Starkov. You didn’t care if she had broken it off prior, surely she understood how much more alliance that could bring between the First and Second Army.          

“Save me the speech,” Nikolai said, knowing exactly what you were going to say. He leaned forward, placing a hand on either side of the ring which gave you your opportunity to share your two kruge on the matter.           

“Alina Starkov is not just a Grisha, she is the Grisha. I am just a healer, Nikolai.” That’s how simple it was to you. Maybe you were Grisha, but Alina was a Sun Summoner. The person who could tear down the Fold. Reunite Ravka once more.         

Nikolai looked both agitated and pained to hear you talk about yourself like that. “You are not just a Grisha. You are not just a healer, moi magpie ,” he insisted. “You are the healer who ran across yards of an active battleground to save a First Army soldier. You are the healer I would choose as my friend, my confidante, my spouse, my queen, Ravka’s queen. The people already respect you. ”      

His voice held this mix of passion, bordering on authorativeness. But you knew he didn’t want to cross that threshold afraid it might turn into something like a to-be king making a demand. Logically you wouldn’t think that, but considering he was proposing plus the circumstances logic was left at the door.       

“Nikolai…” was all you could muster.       

“I am asking you to be my friend, my confidante, my partner, and Ravka’s queen from now until the day I die,” Nikolai said. The passion was still there, though now it bends towards what most people would call begging. “Marry me. If we survive this, marry me. Be my healer.” The last part he whispered.     

You stood for a few moments, in silence, taking in his words, before nodding. “Yeah.” A slow smile spread across your face. “I’ll marry you, Nikolai Lantosv.”

[mariacallous]

On the same day U.S. President Joe Biden hosted the first-ever United States-Japan-Philippines summit at the White House, a much less conspicuous meeting to strengthen the U.S. alliance network in the Indo-Pacific took place a few blocks away.

On April 11, New Zealand Foreign Minister Winston Peters and U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken convened for talks at the State Department, declaring in a joint statement that their two countries are “working more closely than ever.” In almost any other case, this could be dismissed as meaningless diplomatic boilerplate. But in this case, it was a clear sign that a new era in New Zealand’s foreign policy was underway. Given that U.S.-New Zealand relations have long been strained—in part because Wellington charted a China-friendly course—the meeting was the latest example of Beijing’s behavior in the region driving countries into Washington’s welcoming arms.

The frostiness between New Zealand and the United States dates back to the 1980s, when a Labour government in Wellington declared its part of the Pacific a nuclear-free, disarmed zone and refused to allow port visits by U.S. nuclear-powered submarines. The Reagan administration, in turn, suspended U.S. obligations to New Zealand under the Australia-New Zealand-United States security treaty. The estrangement lasted many decades as New Zealand parted ways not only with the United States but also neighboring Australia to pursue a nonaligned foreign policy.

Relations began to thaw in 2010, when New Zealand Prime Minister John Key’s government signed the Wellington Declaration, which called for elevated strategic engagement and practical cooperation with the United States in the Pacific. Two years later, the two countries followed up with the Washington Declaration, which specifically strengthened defense cooperation and lifted a Reagan-era ban on New Zealand warships in U.S. ports—while leaving Wellington’s nuclear-free zone intact.

The rapprochement also survived the transition back to a Labour Party prime minister, Jacinda Ardern. In fact, the Ardern administration doubled down on the new policy. In 2022, Ardern became the first New Zealand prime minister to attend a NATO summit. Her Labour successor, Chris Hipkins, did so again in 2023. At these summits, New Zealand’s leaders expressed serious concerns about not only Russia but China as well, with Ardern in 2022 stating: “China has in recent times also become more assertive and more willing to challenge international rules and norms. Here, we must respond to the actions we see.”

Criticizing Beijing is a new tactic in New Zealand’s playbook. In 2008, the two countries signed a free trade agreement—Beijing’s first with a Western state. Since then, New Zealand has generally focused on business ties while ignoring or minimizing China’s worsening repression at home and rising assertiveness abroad. To its ostensible Western allies, Wellington’s “supine” attitude toward China was unnerving. In 2018, a Canadian government report called New Zealand the “soft underbelly” of the Five Eyes intelligence-sharing network, which also includes Australia, Britain, Canada, and the United States.

Wellington might have continued on this course, were it not for Beijing’s own actions that made it think twice about engaging—a clear trend that most recently pushed the Philippines to seek closer military relations with Japan and the United States. In New Zealand, it was the discovery of widespread Chinese political interference in the 2017 national elections that began to shift the China narrative from opportunity to concern. It also turned out that a Chinese-born member of the New Zealand Parliament until 2020, Jian Yang, who sat on the foreign affairs, defense, and trade committee, was not only once a member of the Chinese Communist Party but also worked as a trainer of People’s Liberation Army spies. These incidents, as well as Beijing’s turn to bullying smaller countries in the region, awakened New Zealand to the potential geostrategic threat posed by China, including in its own neighborhood.

These developments prompted Ardern to go against the grain of her country’s dovish China policy. In May 2022, New Zealand became a founding member of the Biden administration’s Indo-Pacific Economic Framework—a limited policy that seeks to enhance trade and investment relations among friendly countries, not including China, while stopping short of being an actual free trade agreement. Addressing China directly, Ardern and Biden agreed in Washington that “the United States and New Zealand share a concern that the establishment of a persistent military presence in the Pacific by a state that does not share our values or security interests would fundamentally alter the strategic balance of the region and pose national-security concerns to both our countries.” A month later, New Zealand also joined the Biden administration’s Partners in the Blue Pacific—a group of countries coordinating on Pacific islands strategy, including Australia, Britain, and Japan.

Wellington’s harder line on China now permeates the government. In July 2023, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade issued a new strategic foreign-policy assessment that cited Beijing’s growing assertiveness throughout the Indo-Pacific region as the “primary driver of strategic competition,” adding that the “risk of a shift in the strategic balance in the Pacific is now a present and serious concern in the region.” One month later, Wellington released a first-ever National Security Strategy, arguing that Beijing has become “more assertive and more willing to challenge existing international rules and norms.” A simultaneously released defense strategy implied increased defense spending to meet the emerging China threat.

More recently, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and his conservative coalition government, elected in October 2023, are sending strong signals that they plan to stay on this track, in spite of previously promoting China-friendly policies. The appointment of Peters as foreign minister, for example, does not bode well for Beijing. In 2018, Peters was the mastermind behind Wellington’s Pacific reset strategy designed to counter Beijing’s growing clout in the Pacific islands region. In a recent speech, Peters questioned the very basis of Wellington’s foreign policy: progressivism and nonalignment. While this policy has played especially well in the postcolonial, post-Cold War Pacific islands region, Peters seems intent on trading it in for aligning New Zealand in great-power competition against China.

Specifically, Peters has called for Wellington to elevate its role in Five Eyes, the Australia-United Kingdom-United States (AUKUS) security pact, and NATO. AUKUS could soon see New Zealand cooperating on nonnuclear security topics, including cyberwar, hypersonic weapons, artificial intelligence, quantum technologies, undersea capabilities, and others. On his first overseas visit in Australia, Luxon strongly suggested that Wellington was moving forward on AUKUS cooperation. Defense Minister Judith Collins has been more circumspect on AUKUS, but her recent contacts with U.S. Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin and Deputy Secretary of State Kurt Campbell have deepened the intrigue.

Peters also confirmed this month that New Zealand is pursuing a formal partnership program with NATO. If the agreement is concluded before Luxon’s participation in the NATO summit this summer, it would be another monumental shift in Wellington’s foreign policy away from nonalignment and toward integration with other democratic nations.

From a U.S. perspective, it is easy to get overly excited by these developments and conclude that a restored ANZUS alliance is near. But New Zealand and the United States still seem far apart on restoring a formal alliance, and there have been no public indications that any such step is afoot. A signal of this magnitude to China that New Zealand is siding against it is probably a bridge too far for Wellington, which still seeks to maintain a healthy economic relationship with Beijing and not endanger economic growth.

Still, Wellington’s strategic pivot is good news for Washington and its allies—even if it is still unclear how, exactly, New Zealand’s pivot will support concrete U.S. objectives in the Indo-Pacific and beyond. However, the United States should temper its expectations: New Zealand is likely to continue to preserve productive relations with China while it emphasizes the importance of stronger security ties with Washington.

[dailyanarchistposts]

J.4.5 Why is this “economic structural crisis” important to social struggle?

The “economic structural crisis” we out-lined in the last section has certain implications for anarchists and social struggle. Essentially, as C. George Benello argued, ”[i]f economic conditions worsen … then we are likely to find an openness to alternatives which have not been thought of since the depression of the 1930s … It is important to plan for a possible economic crisis, since it is not only practical, but also can serve as a method of mobilising a community in creative ways.” [From the Ground Up, p. 149]

In the face of economic stagnation and depression, attempts to generate more profits (i.e., increase exploitation) by increasing the authority of the boss grow. In addition, more people find it harder to make ends meet, running up debts to survive, face homelessness if they are made unemployed, and so on. This makes exploitation ever more visible and tend to push oppressed strata together in movements that seek to mitigate, and even remove, their oppression. As the capitalist era has worn on, these strata have become increasingly able to rebel and gain substantial political and economic improvements, which have, in addition, lead to an increasing willingness to do so because of rising expectations (about what is possible) and frustration (about what actually is). It is true that libertarians, the left and labour have suffered setbacks since the 1970s, but with increasing misery of the working class due to neo-liberal policies (and the “economic structural crisis” they create), it is only a matter of time before there is a resurgence of radicalism.

Anarchists will be in the forefront of this resurgence. For, with the discrediting and eventual fall of authoritarian state capitalism (“Communism”) in Eastern Europe, the anti-authoritarian faction of the left will increasingly be seen as its only credible one. Thus the ongoing structural crisis of the global capitalist economy, combined with the other developments springing from what Takis Fotopoulos calls (in his book Towards an Inclusive Democracy) a “multidimensional crisis” (which includes economic, political, social, ecological and ideological aspects), could (potentially) lead to a new international anti-authoritarian alliance linking together the new (and not so new) social movements in the West (feminism, the Green movement, rank-and-file labour militancy, etc.) with non-authoritarian liberation movements in the Third World and new movements in formerly Stalinist countries. However, this is only likely to happen if anarchists take the lead in promoting alternatives and working with the mass of the population. Ways in which anarchist can do this are discussed in some detail in section J.5.

Thus the “economic structural crisis” can aid social struggle by placing the contrast of “what is” with what “could be” in a clear light. Any crisis brings forth the contradictions in capitalism, between the production of use values (things people need) and of exchange value (capitalist profits), between capitalism’s claims of being based on liberty and the authoritarianism associated with wage labour (“The general evidence of repression poses an ancient contradiction for capitalism: while it claims to promote human freedom, it profits concretely from the denial of freedom, most especially freedom for the workers employed by capitalist enterprise.” [William Greider, One World, Ready or Not, p. 388]) and so on. It shakes to the bone popular faith in capitalism’s ability to “deliver the goods” and gets more and more people thinking about alternatives to a system that places profit above and before people and planet. The crisis also, by its very nature, encourages workers and other oppressed sections of the population to resist and fight back, which in turn generates collective organisation (such as unions or workplace-based assemblies and councils), solidarity and direct action — in other words, collective self-help and the awareness that the problems of working class people can only be solved by ourselves, by our own actions and organisations. The 1930s in the USA is a classic example of this process, with very militant struggles taking place in very difficult situations (see Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States or Jeremy Brecher’s Strike! for details).

In other words, the “economic structural crisis” gives radicals a lot potential to get their message across, even if the overall environment may make success seem difficult at times!

As well as encouraging workplace organisation due to the intensification of exploitation and authority provoked by the economic stagnant/depression, the “economic structural crisis” can encourage other forms of libertarian alternatives. For example, the “economic structural crisis” has resulted in the erosion of the welfare state (at least for the working class, for the elite state aid is never far away). This development has potential libertarian possibilities. “The decline of the state,” argues L. Gambone, “makes necessary a revitalisation of the notions of direct action and mutual aid. Without Mama State to do it for us, we must create our own social services through mutual aid societies.” [Syndicalism in Myth and Reality, p. 12] As we argue in more depth in section J.5.16, such a movement of mutual aid has a long history in the working class and, as it is under our control, it cannot be withdrawn from us to enrich and empower the ruling class as state run systems have been. Thus the decline of state run social services could, potentially, see the rise of a network of self-managed, working class alternatives (equally, of course, it could see the end of all services to the weakest sections of our society — which possibility comes about depends on what we do in the here and now. See section J.5.15 for an anarchist analysis of the welfare state).

Food Not Bombs! (FNB) is an excellent example of practical libertarian alternatives being generated by the economic crisis we are facing. FNB is a community-based group which helps the homeless through the direct action of its members. It also involves the homeless in helping themselves. It serves free food in public places to expose the plight of the homeless, the callousness of the system and our capacity to solve social problems through our own actions without government or capitalism. The constant harassment of FNB by the police, middle classes and the government illustrates their callousness to the plight of the poor and the failure of their institutions to build a society which cares for people more than money and property (and the police and prisons to protect them). The fact is that in the US many working and unemployed people have no feeling that they are entitled to basic human needs such as medicine, clothes, shelter, and food. FNB encourages poor people to make these demands, provides a space in which these demands can be voiced, and helps to breakdown the wall between hungry and not-hungry. The repression directed towards FNB by local police forces and governments also demonstrates the effectiveness of their activity and the possibility that it may radicalise those who get involved with the organisation. Charity is obviously one thing, mutual aid is something else. FNB is a politicised movement from below, based on solidarity, not charity as, in Kropotkin’s words, charity “bears a character of inspiration from above, and, accordingly, implies a certain superiority of the giver upon the receiver.” [Mutual Aid, p. 222]

The last example of how economic stagnation can generate libertarian tendencies can be seen from the fact that, ”[h]istorically, at times of severe inflation or capital shortages, communities have been forced to rely on their own resources. During the Great Depression, many cities printed their own currency; this works to the extent that a community is able to maintain a viable internal economy which provides the necessities of life, independent of transactions with the outside.” [Benello, Op. Cit., p. 150]

These local currencies could be the basis of a mutual bank (see section J.5.5), providing interest-free loans to workers to form co-operatives and so build libertarian alternatives to capitalist firms, so eliminating the profits of capitalists by allowing workers to exchange the product of their labour with other workers. Moreover, “local exchange systems strength local communities by increasing their self-reliance, empowering community members, and helping to protect them from the excesses of the global market.” [Frank Lindenfield, “Economics for Anarchists,” Social Anarchism, no. 23, p. 24] In this way self-managing communes could be created, communes that replace hierarchical, top-down, government with collective decision making of community affairs based on directly democratic community assemblies. These self-governing communities and economies could federate together to co-operate on a wider scale and so create a counter-power to that of state and capitalism.

This confederal system of self-managing communities could also protect jobs as the “globalisation of capital threatens local industries. A way has to be found to keep capital at home and so preserve the jobs and the communities that depend upon them. Protectionism is both undesirable and unworkable. But worker-ownership or workers’ co-operatives are alternatives.” [Gambone, Op. Cit., pp. 12–13] Local communities could provide the necessary support structures which could protect co-operatives from the corrupting effects of working in the capitalist market (see section J.5.11). They could also demand that rather than nationalise or bailout failing companies (or, for that matter, privatise state services or public works), they should be turned over (as Proudhon constantly argued) to workers co-operatives by aiding “the Labour Unions to enter into a temporary possession of the industrial concerns”, anarchists would provide “an effective means to check the State Nationalisation” in the period before a social revolution when “State phases which we are traversing now seems to be unavoidable.” [quoted by Ruth Kinna, “Fields of Vision: Kropotkin and Revolutionary Change”, pp. 67–86, SubStance, Vol. 36, No. 2, p. 77] In this way, economic liberty (self-management) could replace capitalism (wage slavery) and show that anarchism is a practical alternative to the chaos and authoritarianism of capitalism, even if these examples are initially fragmentally and limited in nature.

However, these developments should not be taken in isolation of collective struggle in the workplace or community. It is in the class struggle that the real potential for anarchy is created. The work of such organisations as Food Not Bombs! and the creation of local currencies and co-operatives are supplementary to the important task of creating workplace and community organisations that can create effective resistance to both state and capitalists, resistance that can overthrow both (see sections J.5.2 and J.5.1 respectively). “Volunteer and service credit systems and alternative currencies by themselves may not be enough to replace the corporate capitalist system. Nevertheless, they can help build the economic strength of local currencies, empower local residents, and mitigate some of the consequences of poverty and unemployment … By the time a majority [of a community are involved it] will be well on its way to becoming a living embodiment of many anarchist ideals.” [Lindenfield, Op. Cit., p. 28] And such a community would be a great aid in any strike or other social struggle which is going on!

The general economic crisis which we are facing has implications for social struggle and anarchist activism. It could be the basic of libertarian alternatives in our workplaces and communities, alternatives based on direct action, solidarity and self-management. These alternatives could include workplace and community unionism, co-operatives, mutual banks and other forms of anarchistic resistance to capitalism and the state.

Finally, we must stress that we are not arguing that working class people need an economic crisis to force them into struggle. Such “objectivism” (i.e. the placing of tendencies towards socialism in the development of capitalism, of objective factors, rather than in the class struggle, i.e. subjective factors) is best left to orthodox Marxists and Leninists as it has authoritarian implications. Rather we are aware that the class struggle, the subjective pressure on capitalism, is not independent of the conditions within which it takes place (and helps to create, we must add). Subjective revolt is always present under capitalism and, in the case of the 1970s, played a role in creating crisis. Faced with an economic crisis we are indicating what we can do in response to it and how it could, potentially, generate libertarian tendencies within society. Economic crisis could, in other words, provoke social struggle, collective action and generate anarchic tendencies in society. Equally, it could cause apathy, rejection of collective struggle and, perhaps, the embracing of false “solutions” such as right-wing populism, Leninism, or Fascism. We cannot predict how the future will develop, but it is true that if we do nothing then, obviously, libertarian tendencies will not grow and develop.

[angelasscribbles]

Unexpected Chapter 9: Uncertainty

Series: Unexpected

Fandom: The Royal Romance

Pairings: Riley x Maxwell, Riley x Liam

Rating: MA

Warnings: None for this chapter

Word Count: 2,581

My other stuff: Master List.

Riley’s conversation with the queen had quickly taken a turn into the rigors of ruling.

“I know it looks glamorous, but make no mistake. Being queen is hard work. It’s brutal and demanding. You will work from the moment you wake up in the morning until the moment you go to bed at night, all day, every day. Look at Liam, all three meals he’s taken today have been business-related. Even this one. It may seem like a relaxing dinner to you, but to him, it’s just one more engagement he’s required to attend after a day of grueling duties.

Riley shot a glance at Liam. He did seem tired and completely disinterested in his current conversation. She cocked her head to the side as she studied him. The smile on his face was fake, at least it was until he glanced up and caught her watching him. When their gazes connected, the smile on his face broadened and reached his eyes. She gave him a scintillating smile of her own before returning her attention to the queen and her glass of champagne.

Regina continued, “Let me tell you what a typical day looks like for me. I rise at 4:30—”

“In the morning?!?” Riley choked on her drink.

“Yes, dear. In the morning. You will be collaborating with people from all over the world, and time zones can be tricky when scheduling meetings. I’ve usually worked for two to three hours before breakfast, which is more often than not a working meal, even when taken with my husband.”

“You work when you’re with your husband?”

“Of course, dear. We are comparing notes, devising strategies, ensuring that we are on the same page about matters of state and diplomacy. Not to mention the running of things here at home.”

“But….surely you get some downtime on the weekends…”

“Weekends are usually devoted to things like ribbon cuttings, putting in appearances for the sake of PR, things like that.”

Riley felt sick to her stomach. “Vacations?”

“Rarely; and even those are often about making or cementing alliances. We skied for a week with the ambassador from Auvernall and her husband last year to ensure continued good relations between our two countries. I had to pretend to enjoy their company for the entire time, so it wasn’t as relaxing as one might expect.”

“It can’t be all be work, all the time…”

“No, but a love would have to be extraordinary to survive the pressures. Why do you think royal marriages are political and monarchs are not just allowed, but encouraged, to take lovers?”

“That’s not very romantic….”

“No, it’s not. It’s very pragmatic. Think of queen as a job title, not a relationship status.”

“A job title you have to get married to receive.”

“Again, royal marriages should be political. Take my niece Madeleine, for example. She was born and raised for this. That remarkable young woman has spent her entire life preparing for this role. And unlike you, she wants it.”

“I—”

Regina leaned closer. “I don’t doubt you love my son, Riley. And I am sure that he’s in love with you. A blind man can see the way he looks at you. But that in no way means you’re prepared for this role. You haven’t had the upbringing or the training for it.”

“So, what? You think I should step aside and he’ll just forget about me and choose your niece?”

“Madeleine has offered to fulfill the duties of queen while looking the other way so you and Liam can be together in every other way.”

“So I’ll be his mistress?”

“More than that. She’s prepared to allow you to live at the palace, in the royal family wing, even.”

The thought of the snotty and mercurial Madeleine allowing her to do anything rankled.

“And Liam is aware of this offer?”

“Yes, dear, he is. But he is dead set against it. I think if the suggestion came from you, he’d see reason.”

“Tell me more about how it would work.”

“It’s simple, really. You would stay in Cordonia, at the palace, so you can see each other often. He marries Madeleine. She takes on all the onerous aspects of ruling while your relationship with him remains unsullied by the day-to-day stress and demands of the crown.”

“What about heirs?”

The queen blinked. “What about them?”

“Liam told me he was required to produce them. I’m assuming part of his marriage duties would be getting his wife pregnant.”

“Of course, but—”

“So the marriage won’t be in name only, will it?”

“Lady Riley. You are an astute young woman. Surely you understand that Cordonia must have an heir. If you truly love him, you will find a way to accept that.”

“Hmmm.” Riley’s eyes roamed the room until they landed on the countess. She wasn’t at all sure she would be okay with watching Madeleine carry Liam’s children. What kind of mother would the ice princess make, anyway? “What assurances would I have that she would honor such an agreement? I mean, they could get married and she could then simply renege on everything.”

“Liam can have everything put in their marriage contract.”

Riley’s mind whirled, trying to process all the information. A marriage contract would allow Liam to do as he pleased. It still made no guarantees for her future. What if Liam tired of her after a year or two?

Her eyes slid over to find Max watching her intently from the Beaumont table. Max would marry her tomorrow if she told him to. But Max had no money or resources of his own and Bertrand had been clear that any relationship between the two of them that severed her chances with Liam would result in Max being disinherited.

She wasn’t at all sure she was ready for the responsibilities of the crown, yet she wasn’t prepared to live life under Madeleine’s thumb.

Marriage to Liam offered stability and a rise out of the poverty she had thus far lived in.

Life as Liam’s mistress theoretically offered the same benefits without the responsibility, but unlike a royal marriage with an ironclad contract, being his mistress offered no protection against being discarded at some future date.

At a signal from her personal assistant, Regina sighed. “It appears our time together is up. Please take what I said under advisement.”

“I will,” Riley assured her as she rose from the table and made her way back to her own assigned seat.

Hana was waiting for her. “Well. How did it go?”

“It was…interesting.”

“What do you think your chances of being approved by the royal council are?”

“Not as good as yours,” Riley answered honestly.

Hana flushed. “That can’t be true.”

“It is true,” Riley assured her. “You have the breeding, the background and the social skills they’re looking for. Not to mention your grandparents are members of the Cordonian nobility in good standing with the court.”

Hana stared down at the napkin she was twisting in her hands. “Maybe I’m no longer sure I want to marry a prince.”

Riley gave her a sharp look. “What do you mean?”

Hana turned a deep crimson as she shook her head and reached shakily for her water glass. “Nothing. Never mind.”

Riley covered the other woman’s free hand with her own. “Hana. You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Yes, but…” Hana glanced nervously around the room, “Not here.”

Riley gave her a reassuring smile as she squeezed her hand. “Come to my room tomorrow morning before I leave for Ramsford, and we’ll talk.”

***

Liam skillfully evaded Madeleine after dinner ended, feigning urgent business with the minister of treasury. He already knew what she wanted, and he wasn’t ready to give her an answer yet.

He knew that if he couldn’t marry Riley, he still had to marry someone, but everything in him rebelled against putting a ring on the finger of his brother’s ex-fiancée.

Madeleine’s past with Leo was the least of his reservations, though. Bastien had uncovered, and thankfully stopped, a plot to set Riley up and blackmail Olivia. He couldn’t prove anything yet, but his gut told him Madeleine was involved in it up to her eyeballs.

Tonight, however, he was less concerned about Madeleine and more concerned about whatever Drake had asked to see him about.

Slipping out of the dinner undetected after pointing Neville VanCouer in Madeleine’s direction, Liam met Drake in his office. “You said you found more information about Riley’s past?”

“I did.” Drake sat behind his desk, chair leaned back, feet propped on the desktop. He tossed a manilla folder across the surface. “It’s about her mother.”

Liam quickly scanned the contents of the folder. “Catherine Brooks died from breast cancer.” He flipped through the pages. “It says here that she received top tier medical care from the best hospitals in the country.”

“Right. But she had no money, and she lost her medical insurance months after diagnosis when she was cut loose from her job. Fired for absences.”

Liam gasped incredulously. “They fired her for missing work to get treatment?”

“Unfortunately, that’s America.”

“But…that’s…that’s… it’s awful! It’s criminal!”

“Don’t let it color your opinion. Just because—”

“But it does color my opinion, Drake! And it should color yours as well. It’s right here in black and white. All of her medical bills were paid in full by her daughter. Riley used every penny of the stolen money on her mother’s medical care.”

“Sure, but—”

“It explains why she was working as a waitress and living in a crappy apartment. She didn’t keep a cent for herself!”

“It doesn’t appear so. Still—”

“And there have been no complaints or accusations in the two years since her mother’s death.”

“No,” Drake rubbed his eyes, “I’m not disputing that the scamming seemed to be for a good cause, but it was still illegal, immoral and an optical nightmare if it gets out.”

“I don’t know, Drake. I think the Cordonian public would understand the extenuating circumstances and the fact that she turned her life around after her mother’s death.”

“Even if that’s true, the royal council will never approve her. Not once they see all this and they will see it, Li. Don’t kid yourself. She may have passed the initial background check, but if you choose her, they are going to do a deep dive just like I did, and it’s all going to come out.”

“Maybe—”

“And even if it doesn’t, sooner or later some intrepid reporter is going to dig it up or one of those jilted lovers is going to see her on the news and come forward with their side of the story and paint her as a gold digging con artist which is going to undermine your credibility no matter what her reasons were and if you’ll stop and think about this logically for one damn minute, you’ll see that.”

Liam was silent for so long that Drake thought he wasn’t going to answer when he finally sighed and slumped dejectedly in his chair. “I hate it when you’re right.”

“If you really want to be with her, without torpedoing your reputation and tarnishing your public image, just take Madeleine up on her offer.”

“Would that have been good enough for you?”

“What?”

“Leo could have just married her and kept up his relationship with you on the side. Would you have been satisfied with that?”

“I would have dealt with it. I told him not to abdicate for me, but your pigheaded brother didn’t listen. I’ve always thought you have more sense than he does, though. Besides, Constantine is out of heirs.”

“What if it’s not enough for her?”

“I don’t know how to soften this question, so I’m just going to be blunt.”

Liam barked out a short laugh, “When are you ever not blunt?”

“Are you sure she wants you at all? Are you just going to ignore whatever the fuck is going on with her and Beaumont?”

“We don’t know that there’s anything going on between them.”

“Oh, there’s something going on between them, all right!” Drake recounted the conversation he had overhead in the hallway to Liam.

“That doesn’t point to anything other than Max overstepping boundaries, which he is well known for.”

Drake sighed as he brought a tumbler of scotch to his lips. He had no proof other than his gut feeling, but he was sure the two of them were entangled. “But what if they are?”

Liam weighed the question before responding. “If she has genuine feelings for both of us, arrangements can be made.”

“Liam…”

“What? It’s nothing I haven’t done before.”

“Yes, I’m well aware of the situation you found yourself in with Liv and Carson. The difference is, Carson was your boyfriend, not Liv’s. But no matter how polyamorous you are, the public will never accept a queen that’s perceived to be unfaithful to her king. Do you think she’s willing to give him up?”

“I don’t know.”

“So to recap…. The council will never approve her and even if they did, she’s a scandal waiting to happen, and that’s not even counting a potential affair going on with one of her sponsors.”

“Jesus, Drake. You’re starting to sound like my father.”

“That’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me. I’m just trying to look out for your best interests and I’m not sure your best interests are served by a marriage to Riley Brooks. And that’s not a judgement on her as a person. I am in no position to judge anyone. It’s just the damn politics. There’s a reason I hate them so much. This shit right here is why.” Liam should be able to just be with whoever he wanted. But the world didn’t work that way.

“I know, and I appreciate it, even when you tell me shit I don’t want to hear.”

“Good, because I looked further into Bertrand, as well. He was awful twitchy when I asked him what he knew about her past.”

“And?”

“He hired a private investigator the day after Max introduced them. That can’t be a coincidence. I think he’s very well aware of her background in fleecing wealthy men.”

“And he thought she could put that skill-set to use securing the crown for House Beaumont?” Liam surmised.

“Highly likely.”

“All right.” Liam pushed away from the desk and stood up. “Thank you for all of this.”

“What are you going to do with it?”

Liam heaved a sigh as his head tipped up to stare at the ceiling. “I have to pick a bride in less than a week. I am in love with a woman whose past, and possibly present, is problematic for me from a diplomatic standpoint. I’m being pressured by my parents and the Duke of Karlington to marry someone I know in my very marrow would be a terrible queen and who I can’t personally stand. What would you do?”

Drake threw back the rest of his drink before answering. “Probably take a page out of your brother’s book.”

“Not helpful. As you so eloquently pointed out, there is no one else. Cordonian needs me.”

“Right. So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know yet. But I do know where to go to get some answers.” He wasn’t waiting for their scheduled rendezvous. He turned and headed straight for Riley’s room.

[justforbooks]

A life in quotes: Ismail Kadare

Ismail Kadare, the Albanian writer who explored Balkan history and culture in poetry and fiction, has died aged 88. Here are some of the most memorable quotes from interviews he gave throughout his life

On totalitarianism

The hell of communism, like every other hell, was smothering in the worst sense of the term. But literature transformed that into a life force, a force which helped you survive and hold your head up and win out over dictatorship.

In a country of that kind, the first thing for a writer is the most important one, the most substantial one, it is: do not take the regime seriously. You are a writer, you are going to have a much richer life than they have, you are in some sense or another eternal by comparison with those kinds of people, and in the last analysis you don’t need to bother about them very much.

On Enver Hoxha, Albanian ruler from 1944 until his death in 1985

When Hoxha broke with the Soviet Union in 1962, he was ready to turn to Europe, but he was rejected, so he made an absurd short-lived alliance with China. When that went wrong he built thousands of anti-nuclear pillboxes, which he knew were useless, but he wanted to create a fear-psychosis. Albania suffered longer than any other eastern European country.

Hoxha fancied himself an intellectual and poet who had been to the Sorbonne, and he didn’t want to be seen as an enemy of writers. Of course, he could have killed me in a ‘car crash’, or by ‘suicide’, as he did many others.

On being described as a political writer

I am of the opinion that I am not a political writer, and, moreover, that as far as true literature is concerned, there actually are no political writers. I think that my writing is no more political than ancient Greek theatre. I would have become the writer I am in any political regime.

I have never claimed to be a ‘dissident’ in the proper meaning of the term. Open opposition to Hoxha’s regime, like open opposition to Stalin during Stalin’s reign in Russia, was simply impossible. Dissidence was a position no one could occupy, even for a few days, without facing the firing squad. On the other hand, my books themselves constitute a very obvious form of resistance to the regime.

On international success

On the one hand it secured protection for me in relation to the regime, on the other hand I was constantly under observation. What excited suspicion was ‘why does the western bourgeoisie hold a writer from a Stalinist country in high esteem?’

On the Albanian language

For me as a writer, Albanian is simply an extraordinary means of expression – rich, malleable, adaptable.

On books

I hated the Soviet books, full of sunshine, working in the fields, the joyous spring, the summer full of hope. The first time I heard the words ‘hope’ and ‘hard work’, they made me yawn.

The founding father of Albanian literature is the 19th-century writer Naim Frashëri. Without having the greatness of Dante or Shakespeare, he is nonetheless the founder, the emblematic character. He wrote long epic poems, as well as lyrical poetry, to awaken the national consciousness of Albania. After him came Gjergj Fishta. We can say that these two are the giants of Albanian literature, the ones that children study at school. Later came other poets and writers who produced perhaps better works than those two, but they don’t occupy the same place in the nation’s memory.

On censorship

In the early 60s, life in Albania was pleasant and well organised. A writer would not have known he should not write about the falsification of history.

For a writer, personal freedom is not so important. It is not individual freedom that guarantees the greatness of literature, otherwise writers in democratic countries would be superior to all others. Some of the greatest writers wrote under dictatorship – Shakespeare, Cervantes. The great universal literature has always had a tragic relation with freedom. The Greeks renounced absolute freedom and imposed order on chaotic mythology, like a tyrant. In the west, the problem is not freedom. There are other servitudes – lack of talent, thousands of mediocre books published every year.

I have created a body of literary work during the time of two diametrically opposed political systems: a tyranny that lasted for 35 years (1955-1990), and 20 years of liberty. In both cases, the thing that could destroy literature is the same: self-censorship.

On contemporary literature

They say that contemporary literature is very dynamic because it is influenced by the cinema, the television, the speed of communication. But the opposite is true! If you compare the texts of the Greek antiquity with today’s literature, you’ll notice that the classics operated in a far larger terrain, painted on a much broader canvas, and had an infinitely greater dimension.

All this noise about innovations, new genres, is idle. There is real literature and then there is the rest.

On being a writer

I don’t work for more than two hours a day.

Writing is neither a happy nor an unhappy occupation – it is something in-between. It is almost a second life.

I am so grateful for literature, because it gives me the chance to overcome the impossible.

Daily inspiration. Discover more photos at Just for Books…?

[adriankyte-writes]

i’ll bite: ¿what’s kitsune’s bride about?

Attending a ball at the king's palace is the last thing on 17 year old Briar's mind. But the king's decree was absolute and so her whole family heads to the capital to prepare.

The ball is hotbed of political activity, with several of the king's foreign allies in attendance. The ball is a ruse to marry off the daughters of his court to strengthen his alliances, and Briar and her sisters are married off the same night.

Briar finds herself married to the general of a foreign army, called the Kitsune General. He has a reputation for cruelty and heartlessness, as well as cleverness on the battlefield. He has bee married almost a dozen times, and his wives have all died mysteriously shortly after their wedding.

Briar is swept away from her home and into a foreign country where the traditions are different, no one speaks her language except her maid and her mostly absent husband, and there is something decidedly strange about the people who make up the Yokai Kingdom.

If all of that wasn't enough of an issue, Briar has to find a way to keep her deepest secret from her husband...Briar is a young man, forced to live as a woman...if he's found out his entire family will be slaughtered.

Excerpt:

Briar trembled slightly as the brilliant blue wedding dress swirled about his ankles. He clutched the bouquet of white flowers, grateful the veil hid his expression.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to get married. He never should have been selected from the pool of noble daughters to marry the yokai envoy. He honestly shouldn’t have even been in court. His father and stepsisters had insisted on coming; he had no option but to attend as well.

There was no way his deception would survive a wedding night, particularly not with the fearsome Kitsune General. He had heard the rumors spread by the court ladies. The Kitsune General was apparently brutal to his wives. He would be discovered, undoubtedly, and then not only his life but the lives of his family would be forfeit.

Peering through the veil his eyes darted over the people sitting in the aisles. Most were strangers, members of the king’s court come to see the Kitsune’s latest bride, the veil obscuring them to giant blobs. Towards the front his family were seated, he could not see his father’s face, but he recognized the stony set to his shoulders. His stepmother and stepsisters tittered and hid their faces behind their fans, unaware of the doom he would bring down on them.

Standing on the far side among the servants was Nona, his nurse and handmaid, wringing her hands in nervousness and fear. Her life would be forfeit as well, when his secret was found out.

His knees trembled as he continued up the aisle, but he forced himself to put one slipper-clad foot in front of the other. The flowers in his hand trembled, and he tightened his grip to hide his shaking. He approached the dais at the front of the chapel, the general stood there waiting, his expression unreadable.

Briar approached the altar and knelt on the cushion waiting there for him. The general remained standing, although the ceremony called for him to kneel. He refused to bow to the foreign god Briar’s people worshiped, and he was favored enough to be allowed the privilege.

Briar knelt on his cushion, his mind racing over how he had wound up in this insane situation, trying to find a way out.

End Excerpt

This is still in the very early stages of drafting, and not all the written parts line up with the summary yet.

[stromuprisahat]

Do you think Leigh Bardugo planned to write the King of Scars duology? At first I thought so, because of Nikolai's scars from the Merzost. But given how the duology is ultimately written, I don't think so at all. I also have the impression that all the characters are the spokespersons there to remind how horrible the Darkling is, which is objectively ridiculous. She even went so far as to tell Alina that Nikolaï, Zoya and the others are trying to repair the damage caused by his wars with him... Whereas the Darkling barely caused a civil war in the original trilogy, and no has nothing to do with the wars against Shu Han and Fjerda. So what is this shit dialogue?! What plural wars has the Darkling caused?! Why is he held responsible for Genya's rape?! Why do we demonize the creation of the little palace?! Why would the Darkling tell Zoya "you and I are going to change the world" as a manipulation technique?! What fucking use?! Why are the characters like, "Let him be the hero or not?" in the end, whereas if he doesn't sacrifice himself EVERYONE DIES?! This duology is such an absurd demonization of the character that it gives me a headache...

I think she planned it the same way it usually looks she does. She has some nice ideas, puts them together as she goes, and doesn't much deal with implications. What's sad is that neither does her editor, whose job should be to poke and prod.

I've read the books as soon as they were out, so my memory hopefully isn't the best, but:

Yes for author's mouthpieces. Especially poor Genya got reduced into just that and a victim. Then there are the bigot twins or Zoya, especially her famous Darkling's crimes speech.

“That’s the moment? Not in manipulating a young girl and trying to steal her power, or destroying half a city of innocent people, or decimating the Grisha, or blinding your own mother? None of those moments feel like an opportunity for self-examination?”

Rule of Wolves- Chapter 9

I'm pretty sure I've encountered antis with the very same list.

Alina's just heartbreaking in case you survived her epilogue in R&R unscathed. What we see resembles an empty shell taught equally empty phrases to repeat in public. When viewed through reader's lenses, it's just another mouthpiece, paraded around to remind us Alina had it all coming and the Darkling bad (in case you haven't caught onto that yet).

“No. But every child I help heals something inside me, every chance I have to tend to someone left in the wake of your wars. And maybe when our country is free, then that wound will close.”

Rule of Wolves- Chapter 14

What I find hilarious, is how the Righteous Gang™ dealt with their neighbouring countries. They tricked Shu Han into signing a treaty about peace and alliance... only to have it broken in the very same book. They won a war with Fjerda in a single battle, because Zoya threw their strategy to the wind, but appeared soon enough to be proclaimed Saint for being a dragon or something?!

Sorry, but LB's idea of how politics, religion and warfare work is beyond ridiculous.

The Darkling's obviously responsible for Genya's rape, because he's been micromanaging late King, which is why his Coup went so smoothly... and we can't have the reader question how fair has been the late Tsar's punishment, how well it prevented repetition of his crimes, or if getting rid of him in the first place might've prevented his reappearance and role in challenge to Nikolai's legitimacy.

Little Palace needs to be discredited, so we don't question The Gang's decision to abolish the law that takes children from their loving families. Don't. Just don't delve into it. There's no point.

I've read pretty good explanation of that catch up line. Zoya's often lying. If Alina's an unreliable narrator, due to her damaging upbringing and prejudice, Zoya's simply happier to see the world as she pleases. She's consciously choosing delusion. Alina might have mentioned what the Darkling told her, and Zoya's always been his special girl, right?! Even current regime's propaganda calls her the Darkling's favourite...

The only BUT I see is that for some reason, Aleksander uses the very same sentence on one of his Starless minions. Then again, that Aleksander has no fucks left to give, and even he suffered Zoya-praising disease, so excuse me, when I don't trust the author with her own characters and keeping them IN CHARACTER.

The ending is a mix of absurdity and heartless cruelty. The Darkling's constantly called monster, accused of NOT caring about the damage he causes... but reading the last few chapters made me despise the author's Coolest Female Trinity beyond measure.

I've delved into this somewhere already, but what I appreciate in real people and fictional characters alike, is kindness. Not blind or endless, but kindness. Having a bunch of "children", who barely lived a few decades, condemn a person to eternity of suffering, is beyond detestable. I might understand they all feel wronged by him (I don't.), but they all also owe him pretty much. And they're in no position to judge him.

If such short and relatively easy lives made them this unsympathetic, he should've been congratulated for hanging on so well.

It also wouldn't do any harm to cut about a quarter of those books, including the obvious fanservice.

[hero-israel]

Jews are obviously indigenous to the Levant. But if we consider the foundation of Israel and Zionism as a whole as a Land Back Movement, or an indigenous sovereignty movement or what have you... yes it would be the most successful example of that in history. But it was also be such a success due to large scale violence organized by a modern Western style nation state that is heavily militarized, industrialized, and practice capitalism.

I can see how the average Land Back advocate, who is statistically speaking some kind of leftist who is usually against violence or who rejects this Western style model of nationstatehood, would balk at Israel. A somewhat common approach seems to be to disavow Jewish indigeneity because surely no real indigenous group would "sell out" for lack of a better term.

I do think that especially in the West, or at least America and Canada... indigeneity is strongly associated with preconceived notions about the First Nations here. Indigenous groups from outside the New World tend not to be thought about, which isn't too surprising. So to them and their supporters, who might not have thought of Jews as an indigenous group, seeing a capitalist nation state with an army and industry and an active role in modern global politics and trading and alliances, it might not "feel" like the natural outcome for Land Back/Sovereignty. They wouldn't recognize Israel as a legitimate indigenous nation with its own sovereignty.

I would counterargue that this might just be the price for sovereignty. I've seen a lot of Hawai'ian sovereignty activists (a lot also tend to be strong antizionists). I'm sorry to say but Hawai'i will never be independent again. The American hegemony sees no use or advantage for it, and the Hawai'ian people are not numerous or powerful enough to wage war on America and win their sovereignty. Because that's the only way that could realistically happen. So they're stuck.

I recognize the tragedy that an indigenous group, characterized by a unique People with their own culture and legal system etc. that survived contact with various Empires, had to incorporate Empire into some of their Nation, in order to beat the Empires. It's also ironic that a lot of Land Back activists and their allies scoff at Israel but have no reflection on how their own strategy of negotiating with the Empire is still legitimizing the Empire. The idea of Sovereignty meaning you disavow a State and are at the mercy of a larger imperial state who graciously decides to grant you autonomy in your ancestral homeland... that seems like the actual selling out to me.

Anyway I've met a lot of indigenous people who love Jews and recognize Jewish indigeneity and who are respectful critics of Israel's government while not being antizionist. I've met lots of of indigenous people who are also Jewish! It's clear we're all natural allies with each other so I don't mean to talk bad about anyone. I just think Jewish indigeneity is complex and has some interesting implications for the sovereignty movements of other nations.

This is a great ask and covers a lot of very important ground!

Definitely true that Israel is a victim of its own success. As a real country with a real army and real body count, it stacks up poorly next to theoretical Land-Back outcomes and even more poorly against a mythological / potential country of Palestine. Castles in the air don't have dirty floors. It is precisely because the Jews are indigenous - because there is no empire of origin to decamp back to - that they have had to stay and fight so tenaciously.

"Leftists who reject the entire model of nationstatehood".... they don't, not really. Their politics include engaging with nation-states all the time and they envision other nation-states in the future. Certainly a nation-state of Palestine. When they talk about Israel, they immediately leap to destroying it, then only reluctantly backpedal into being "against all countries," when, again, by their own words and deeds they plainly are not. If someone said voting is bullshit, all elections are scams, both parties are the same, nothing ever really changes, it's all just an oppressive oligomilitarist patriarchal war machine yadda yadda yadda and that's why black people shouldn't vote, I should hope the rhetorical bait-and-switch would be just as obvious.

If Native Americans or Hawaiian islanders ever actually did have the chance to do an Israel-style retaking and fortification of sovereignty, they absolutely should. Even if it were achieved at my expense, even if upon seeing my own looming personal displacement I were to start to want them to lose out of pure base selfishness, I'd like to think I wouldn't have this affronted, shocked sense of HOW DARE YOU, HOW DARE THOSE PEOPLE which is not even the undercurrent but just plain the current of discussions of Zionism.

"Selling out and legitimizing Empire" - this I see as an inherent contradiction within the people who are against the concept of Jewish indigeneity and sovereignty. If we're not indigenous to the Levant, if the butcher's bill isn't worth it, and we're supposed to be happy as diasporists living on the good graces of America and France and however long our luck holds out... we're really just continuing to benefit from someone's empire and military violence, from someone's air force, from someone's corporate power structure. But now we get to hide behind an excuse that no one like us is actually doing it, we merely benefit from it. Impotently saying impotent slogans like "Not in my name!" while it absolutely is being done in our name is to modern leftists what buying indulgences was for Catholics 500 years ago. By having Jews responsible for their own government, their own state, we can have the greatest chance of minimizing any damage it causes. I honestly think that is one of the reasons why the I/P bodycount is so very low - because the Jews in the Jewish state can't blame someone else for what it did.

A very relevant point here is the stifling of the Kurdish national project, and how some Kurdish regions in otherwise hostile countries have shown warm ties to Israel at least as a concept. It's sadly ironic that Israel has to prioritize its ties with Turkey over the Kurds who live there, and used to prioritize ties with pre-revolution Iran the same way; likewise how it is more important that it be on good terms with Azerbaijan than that it take a principled moral stance about Armenia. This again is what happens when politics go from dream to reality. And that's what actual criticism of Israel looks like.

[ckerouac]

Alright, for @spaceorphan18 my list of the books I’ve read in the first chunk of this year (Jan-Apr) that I’d highly recommend. My 4 stars & above.

Fiction

Paladin's Faith by T Kingfisher

Marguerite Florian is a spy with two problems. A former employer wants her dead, and one of her new bodyguards is a far too good-looking paladin with a martyr complex. Shane is a paladin with three problems. His god is dead, his client is much too attractive for his peace of mind, and a powerful organization is trying to have them both killed. Add in a brilliant artificer with a device that may change the world, a glittering and dangerous court, and a demon-led cult, and Shane and Marguerite will be lucky to escape with their souls intact, never mind their hearts…

Our Share of Night by Mariana Enríquez

A young father and son set out on a road trip, devastated by the death of the wife and mother they both loved. United in grief, the pair travel to her ancestral home, where they must confront the terrifying legacy she has bequeathed: a family called the Order that commits unspeakable acts in search of immortality. For Gaspar, the son, this maniacal cult is his destiny. As the Order tries to pull him into their evil, he and his father take flight, attempting to outrun a powerful clan that will do anything to ensure its own survival. But how far will Gaspar’s father go to protect his child? And can anyone escape their fate?

Death Valley by Melissa Broder

A woman arrives alone at a Best Western seeking respite from an emptiness that plagues her. She has fled to the California high desert to escape a cloud of sorrow—for both her father in the ICU and a husband whose illness is worsening. What the motel provides, however, is not peace but a path, thanks to a receptionist who recommends a nearby hike. Out on the sun-scorched trail, the woman encounters a towering cactus whose size and shape mean it should not exist in California. Yet the cactus is there, with a gash through its side that beckons like a familiar door. So she enters it. What awaits her inside this mystical succulent sets her on a journey at once desolate and rich, hilarious and poignant.

The Pisces by Melissa Broder

Lucy has been writing her dissertation on Sappho for nine years when she and her boyfriend break up in a dramatic flameout. After she bottoms out in Phoenix, her sister in Los Angeles insists Lucy dog-sit for the summer. Everything changes when Lucy becomes entranced by an eerily attractive swimmer while sitting alone on the beach rocks one night. But when Lucy learns the truth about his identity, their relationship, and Lucy's understanding of what love should look like, take a very unexpected turn.

Nonfiction

The Indifferent Stars Above: The Harrowing Saga of the Donner Party by Daniel James Brown

In April of 1846, twenty-one-year-old Sarah Graves, intent on a better future, set out west from Illinois with her new husband, her parents, and eight siblings. Seven months later, after joining a party of pioneers led by George Donner, they reached the Sierra Nevada Mountains as the first heavy snows of the season closed the pass ahead of them. In early December, starving and desperate, Sarah and fourteen others set out for California on snowshoes, and, over the next thirty-two days, endured almost unfathomable hardships and horrors.

Prequel: An American Fight Against Fascism by Rachel Maddow

Inspired by her research for the hit podcast Ultra, Rachel Maddow charts the rise of a wild American strain of authoritarianism that has been alive on the far-right edge of our politics for the better part of a century. Before and even after our troops had begun fighting abroad in World War II, a clandestine network flooded the country with disinformation aimed at sapping the strength of the U.S. war effort and persuading Americans that our natural alliance was with the Axis, not against it. It was a sophisticated and shockingly well-funded campaign to undermine democratic institutions, promote antisemitism, and destroy citizens’ confidence in their elected leaders, with the ultimate goal of overthrowing the U.S. government and installing authoritarian rule. While the scheme has been remembered in history—if at all—as the work of fringe players, in reality it involved a large number of some of the country’s most influential elected officials. Their interference in law enforcement efforts against the plot is a dark story of the rule of law bending and then breaking under the weight of political intimidation. That failure of the legal system had consequences. The tentacles of that unslain beast have reached forward into our history for decades.

Ice: From Mixed Drinks to Skating Rinks—A Cool History of a Hot Commodity by Amy Brady

In Ice, journalist and historian Amy Brady shares the strange and storied two-hundred-year-old history of ice in America: from the introduction of mixed drinks “on the rocks,” to the nation’s first-ever indoor ice rink, to how delicacies like ice creams and iced tea revolutionized our palates, to the ubiquitous ice machine in every motel across the US. But Ice doesn’t end in the past. Brady also explores the surprising present-day uses of ice in sports, medicine, and sustainable energy—including cutting-edge cryotherapy breast-cancer treatments and new refrigerator technologies that may prove to be more energy efficient—underscoring how precious this commodity is, especially in an age of climate change.

Entangled Life: How Fungi Make Our Worlds, Change Our Minds & Shape Our Futures by Merlin Sheldrake

Sheldrake’s vivid exploration takes us from yeast to psychedelics, to the fungi that range for miles underground and are the largest organisms on the planet, to those that link plants together in complex networks known as the “Wood Wide Web,” to those that infiltrate and manipulate insect bodies with devastating precision. Sheldrake reveals how these extraordinary organisms—and our relationships with them—are changing our understanding of how life works.

Toxic: Women, Fame, and the Tabloid 2000s by Sarah Ditum

Welcome to celebrity culture in the early aughts: the reign of Perez Hilton, celebrity sex tapes, and dueling tabloids fed by paparazzi who were willing to do anything to get the shot. Toxic tells the stories of nine women who defined the hell of celebrity in the 2000s and explores how they were devoured by fame, how they attempted to control their own narratives, and how they succeeded or (more often) failed. These women come from all walks of fame—pop music, acting, reality TV, and WWE wrestling. Some of them you think you know already, and others will be less familiar, but Toxic reveals these women neither as pure victims nor as conniving strategists, but as complex individuals trying to navigate celebrity while under attack from a vicious and fast-changing media.

Nuclear War: A Scenario by Annie Jacobsen

There is only one scenario other than an asteroid strike that could end the world as we know it in a matter of hours: nuclear war. And one of the triggers for that war would be a nuclear missile inbound toward the United States. Nuclear War: A Scenario examines the handful of minutes after a nuclear missile launch.

UFO: The inside story of the US government’s search for alien life here - and out there by Garrett M. Graff

For as long as we have looked to the skies, the question of whether life on Earth is the only life to exist has been at the core of the human experience, driving scientific debate and discovery, shaping spiritual belief, and prompting existential thought across borders and generations. And yet, the idea of extraterrestrial intelligence has been largely seen as a joke, banished to the realm of fantasy and conspiracy. Now, for the first time, the full story of our national obsession with UFOs—and the covert, decades-long search by scientists, the United States military, and the CIA for proof of alien life—is told by bestselling author and Pulitzer Prize finalist Garrett M. Graff in a deeply reported and researched history.

[renaerys]

Yogen no Tori pleeease

Also, I like how they actually mean something instead of being gibberish

Haha I honestly cannot keep track of shit if it isn’t named something recognizable to me.

Yogen no Tori is a yokai AU ShiSaku I have been slowly working on. It’s set in an Edo period-inspired setting where yokai are real, there are no shinobi (but there is a concept of chakra), and the village founding a never happened.

One part will be following ShiSaku on a journey across the country as they try to get to their destination and survive the various yokai they encounter while learning about each other’s true motivations. The other part is a political/family drama centering Itachi as he juggles being the heir to his warmongering clan in a delicate time of stalemate, a disease he is trying to hide, and a possible alliance that could mean the survival or downfall of his clan depending on his choices.

It’s going to be a marriage of the macabre and the sensual in terms of tone and vibes. I have two other supporting pairs in it that I will keep as a surprise for now. It’s the story I am most looking forward to writing this year, and it will be a long one.

[ameliedebruyne]

Writerblr Introduction

About me

Amélie (she/her).

Early 30s.

Writer of Romantic Fantasy.

French writing in English, living in the UK back in France.

Scientist (MSc in Chemical Engineering, PhD in Biomedical Research).

I'm part of the Nanowrimo, 4theWords, and World Anvil writing communities.

On tumblr since 2018, but I haven't really talked about my writing before or interacted with the writeblr community and I'd like to change that!

My novels and favourite tropes

I have a finished novel that I'm currently submitting to agents, 3 other novels in various stages of revision, and a ton of WIPs.

My favourite tropes and settings are:

ennemies-to-lovers romances (in all my stories XD),

magical schools/universities (I've worked in academia for a few years XD),

alternative history (especially 19th century France),

science fantasy and magical technologies,

characters who are some kind of researchers/engineers/teachers,

some disabled characters (I have chronic back pain),

LGBTQ+ -friendly settings.

Beyond novels

I also love:

writing about my characters and worlds on World Anvil,

taking part in worldbuilding challenges with World Anvil,

making art of dubious quality to illustrate my worlds,

reading about science and history,

taking cat pics! (especially Luna, my parents' cat).

Website

For a full list of my WIPs, short and flash fictions, and art of dubious quality:

Main WIPs

Courtship/Rituals of Blood and Power

Finished novel.

Romantic Fantasy.

Need a new novel title, suggestions welcome.

MC inherits the ladyship of a noble house and the enmity of the Dark Lord sworn to destroy it, and she organises a series of elaborate courtship rituals to get other powerful mages to vie for her hand and offer her alliances that could help her survive. Unfortunately, said Dark Lord immediately declares himself as one of her suitors...

The Magical University of Lille

2nd draft.

Fantasy (romance in book 2), Alternative 1850s France.

Aka HP from a teacher's POV.

MC is a teacher having to deal with bad students, deadly competitions for funding and promotion, having the Chosen One as a student, and the attention of a Dark Lord.

Portal To Sérannie

2nd draft.

Current Nanowrimo 2022 project.

Romantic Portal Fantasy.

Inspired by a tumblr prompt!

MC was called to another world to save them from a Dark Lord, but after succeeding she was sent back to France. She is furious and ready to do anything to go back and get the glory she was promised!

Engineering Corps

1st draft

Romantic Science Fantasy, Alternative 1845 France.

Set during the French revolutionary wars. MC is the new leader of the military engineering corps, but she is distrusted because she was born Flemish, in lands recently conquered by France. This is not good at a time when the guillotine is very active...

Divine Tyranny

Novel project - worldbuilding almost finished, novel partly planned.

Project for World Anvil's World Ember 2022 (December worldbuilding event)

Romantic Fantasy.

In a world where gods are all-powerful, walk among mortals, and gleefully meddle with their life, MC is an archivist advising people on how to deal with them while trying to avoid having to do so herself. It becomes harder when a god suddenly wants to mess up the archival records.

Dark Lord Seduction Plan

Novel project - novel plotted, worldbuilding to do

Project for World Ember 2022 (December worldbuilding event)

Romantic Fantasy.

MC is forced by her family to marry, but if she is going to do so, it will only be with the most eligible man in the country. And who is more eligible than the Dark Lord? She only needs to make him realise how amazing she is herself!