#i woke up like an hour ago i’m still loading

[motleyfam]

Living with a houseful of nocturnal crime-fighting vigilantes means that Duke’s come to expect a certain amount of solitude in the mornings—particularly on weekends, when even Alfred is rarely seen before ten—which is why he’s more than a little thrown when he enters the Cave at 6:30 on a Saturday to find Tim sitting up on one of the beds in the medical unit. He’s hugging his knees, forehead resting against them, keeping so still that for a moment Duke isn’t sure if he’s awake or asleep.

“Uh...Tim?” he says cautiously as he approaches the cot. “Are you okay? Do I need to call someone?”

“Nah…” Tim mumbles into his knees. “‘M fine. Just psyching myself up.”

“What exactly are you psyching yourself up for?” He takes in Tim’s unnatural pallor, the sheen of sweat on his face. “You didn’t get hurt on patrol last night, did you?”

Tim huffs out a breathy laugh. “Didn’t even patrol last night.”

Duke frowns. “Why not?” Friday night is prime time for the Bats; the entire night shift is on the roster (except for Steph, who thanks to some horrible luck with her college registrar was forced to take an eight a.m. sociology class on Saturdays).

“Benched, remember?” Releasing his legs, Tim tugs the sleeve of his oversized sweatshirt up just enough to reveal the gauze wrapped around his left hand.

Duke winces as it all comes flooding back to him. Three nights ago, he and Tim had been loading the dishwasher after dinner when Tim had accidentally dropped a salad plate. He’d tried to catch it mid-air, but the plate had hit the edge of the counter, shattering on impact and leaving him clutching a six-inch shard of broken china instead. The slice to his palm had required five sutures.

“Did you rip your stitches or something?” Duke asks.

Another huff of air—the ghost of a laugh. “No, but I’m about to.”

At Duke’s puzzled look, Tim sighs and explains, “I uh, woke up about an hour ago feeling kinda lousy.” A shiver runs through him. “Like, feverish lousy.”

“Shit,” Duke says, grimacing. Regardless of how careful they are with cleaning and dressing Tim’s wounds, his immunocompromised state will always put him at an increased risk of developing infections. He’d had three last year alone.

“Yeah,” Tim agrees with a tired sigh. He looks down at his gauze-wrapped hand again and grimaces. “Just psyching myself up to deal with it. ‘M kinda nauseous.”

“So…just to check if I’ve got this straight, your plan was to come down here alone, cut your own stitches, debride an infected wound, and redo the whole thing—all while running a fever and trying not to puke?”

“Uh…” Tim rubs awkwardly at the back of his neck. “That about sums it up, yeah.”

There’s a beat of silence between them.

Duke lets out a heavy sigh. “Alright.” He heads for the sink. “Just give me a minute to scrub in…”

[theemporium]

here's the second instalment! i know i made the poll but i decided i was doing both options because i am indecisive, and i love max and trouble too much to abandon them

series masterlist

.

Max tapped his foot against the wooden floor, his eyes focused on some random poster on the wall of the cramped dental office. 

He didn’t like this. He didn’t like any of this. He didn’t like the idea that he was going to be put under. He didn’t like he wouldn’t be in control of anything for the next few hours. He didn’t like the fact that when he woke up, he would be woozy and unable to control the words that passed his lips. 

He didn’t like the lack of control. 

But the pain had reached a point of unbearable and he knew if he didn’t get this done, his mother would fly over and drag him into the dental practice by his ear—and that was something he certainly didn’t want. He would never live it down if journalists caught pictures of the three time world champion being berated by his mother like a whiny child. 

He hated the fact his stupid wisdom teeth were causing this many problems in the first place.

“Did you know that thirty-five percent of humans are born without wisdom teeth?”

Max’s head turned to look at you, his brows furrowed together. “What?” 

“A third of the human population aren’t born with wisdom teeth,” you repeated as you leaned back in your chair next to him, your knees brushing when you did. “Isn’t that weird?” 

“I would say they are lucky,” he grumbled honestly.

“And in Korea, they call them love teeth,” you continued, ignoring the confused look Max shot you. “Because they start to come through around the age people typically experience their first love.” 

“Does that mean it’s your fault I’m in pain?” Max teased, a hint of a smile on his face for the first time since he woke up that morning.

“Love is pain, baby,” you grinned back at him. “And did you know that the oldest record of wisdom teeth being impacted goes back almost fifteen thousand years ago—”

“What’s with all these fun facts?” Max questioned. 

“It’s what keeps you calm, no?” You said, looking at him with a fond expression he was still learning to not instantly blush over. “You maxsplain all the time and it helps you relax. I thought maybe maxsplaining wisdom teeth would help ease your nerves.” 

“So you learn a load of facts for me?” He asked, a giddy smile fighting its way onto his face.

“I did,” you said as you reached over to gently squeeze his knee. “I know you’re not gonna say it but it’s okay to be nervous. I’ll be waiting for you.” 

He gulped, nodding his head slightly in thanks and you knew better than anyone else that the nod was his own way of thanking you.

…

“Trouble? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me, baby,” you grinned as you reached for his outstretched hand, trying not to snicker at the way he cuddled your palm to his chest. “How are you feeling?”

“They drugged me,” he mumbled out, his eyes blinking slowly as he ignored the dentist and nurses in the room and kept his focus on you. “Not the good drugs. The bad ones. I think they are trying to kill me.”

You snorted. “Nobody is gonna kill you while I’m around. Promise.”

“My hero!” He laughed, a little short lived as he seemed to realise the gauze in his mouth. “Baby, I don’t like this candy.”

“It’s not candy,” you said to the boy and watched as he instantly frowned. 

“I want candy,” he huffed out.

“Max—”

“Trouble, they tried to kill me! I’m a hostage!” He said, sounding exasperated and you had to lift your hand to cover your mouth in hopes he didn’t realise you were laughing. “I at least deserve some candy.”

“I’ll get you some on the way home,” you told the boy, unable to even pretend to act annoyed as he cheered in his seat as his head rolled back. 

“See, Janet!” He turned to the nurse who was standing on the other side of his chair and winked with both eyes. “Told you my good looks would work. She gave in.”

Janet laughed, shaking her head. “You were right, sweetie. You’ve got quite the catch there.”

Max sighed dreamily. “She’s the best.”

.

[specialagentlokitty]

Damon x reader - don’t call me that

can i request one where reader always call damon some kind of pet name that when reader called him by his name he gets pouty?? - Anon💜

Sitting on the couch, you were aimlessly flicking through some films trying to find something to watch when you heard the front door open and close.

“Hey love!” You called.

“I thought you had work?” Damon asked.

You shrugged a little as you leant your head back to looked at him in the doorway of the living room.

“Closed for the night, had some paperwork to do so I decided to close up but I finished it all an hour ago. The owner said it was cool. Where were you?”

“Some crap to do with Elena wasn’t really paying attention.”

You laughed a little bit and shook your head at Damon as he walked over and jumped over the couch to sit next to you.

Holding his arms out, he waited for you to crawl into his arms and held you against his chest.

He picked up the tv remote and carried on flicking through the films you were looking at while he ran his fingers through your hair.

“What time do you start tomorrow?” Damon asked.

“It’s my day off, one of the college kids wanted some extra shifts so the store owner is gonna train them up on some stuff.”

Damon grinned a little to himself and pressed a kiss to the top of your head.

“Does that mean movies, snacks and cuddling?”

“Of course it does my dear.” You chuckled.

So that’s how you guys spent the rest of the night, you ordered some food, gathered some snacks from the cupboard and binged loads of films.

You woke up the following morning with your head tucked under Damon’s chin, his arms wrapped tightly around you, your legs tangled with his while he was still fast asleep.

You wiggled free from his grasp and padded out to the kitchen to get a drink and look for something to eat.

Humming to yourself, you settled on making some pancakes and got everything out and ready while you started to make the batter mix.

It wasn’t long before you heard Damon getting up and wondering around.

“Hey breakfast is my job.”

“You were still asleep.” You shrugged.

Breakfast flew by and you had to go meet the others to discuss some stuff, and while you didn’t really have to be there Damon did.

You decided to tag along because you were bored and Damon gave you a gentle kiss before he entered the door before he gestured for you to follow him into the boarding house.

“You don’t have to be here you know.” He whispered.

Looking up at him, you nodded.

“I know, but it’s my day off I wanna be with you.”

“I know I’m just to damn irritable.” He smirked.

Rolling your eyes, you slipped your hand into his, and played with the ring on his finger while he half listened to whatever was being said.

He was scrolling through his phone, occasionally showing you something he thought you would like or something you found funny.

What caught your attention was someone saying his name in an angry tone and you looked up to see Ric scowling at Damon.

“Are you even paying attention Damon? This is important, it’s Elena’s life we’re trying to save.” He snapped.

“Yeah yeah I know, but this isn’t going to work and you know it.” Damon shrugged.

“It’s our only choice at this point.” Stefan sighed.

“Just go in there and kill them all, problem solved.” Damon said.

Everyone sighed at him.

“It’s not that simple, we do that and they kill my sister. Would you do that if it were (Y/N)?”

“I would’ve killed them all the moment they took (Y/N).” Damon growled, “it’s not my fault you’re all to scared to do anything about it.”

“We’re not all as reckless and stupid as you.” Jeremy snapped.

You felt Damon tense up, and you gripped his hand a little tighter, making him turn his attention to you.

“Calm down my love…” you whispered.

He nodded his head and took a deep breath.

“What? Nothing to say?” Jeremy scoffed.

Damon growled a little bit didn’t do anything and Jeremy stood up.

“You owe everything to my sister, (Y/N) hasn’t done anything for you!”

This time Damon rushed forward, pinning Jeremy to the wall while everyone tried to pry him off the teen.

You stood up.

“Love come on, let him go.”

Placing a hand on Damon’s arm, you tried to get his attention.

Nothing would work, no matter how many pet names you called him, no matter how much you asked him again and again to let Jeremy go and he wouldn’t.

Sighing, you took a step back and crossed your arms over your chest.

“Damon let him go right now.” You snapped.

Damon whipped his head towards you and dropped Jeremy, walking over he stood in front of you, placing his hands on your cheeks.

“Don’t call me that…” he pouted.

“You wouldn’t listen.”

“Don’t call my name, I don’t like it when you call me by my name…”

Reaching up, you placed your hands on his arms and sighed, leaning slightly into his touch as you closed your eyes for a second.

“I want you to apologise to Jeremy, he’s just worried about his sister and wants her to be safe.”

Damon grumbled something under his breath and walked around you, slipping his arms around your waist as he put his head on your shoulder.

“Will you stop using my name if I do…?” He mumbled.

You nodded and he sighed.

“Fine, I guess im sorry but I’d do it again.”

“That’s as good as im going to get isn’t it?” Jeremy asked.

Damon nodded his head and Jeremy sighed rolling his eyes.

They all went back to discussing what to do while Damon turned you around, hands planted on your waist.

“Are you happy now?”

“Much. Thank you darling.”

Leaning up you kissed his cheek and led him back to the couch to carry on with the meeting.

He sat there and just listened, still slightly pouting at the fact that you had called him by his name and not one of the pet names you usually called him

[zombii-writess]

𝙴𝚊𝚛𝚕𝚢 𝙱𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝙶𝚒𝚏𝚝

Tags:  established relationship, Cove is 19, male pleasure, male receiving, overstimulation?, male whimpering, smut, oral fixation, slight edging?

Synopsis:  you decide to give Cove his birthday present early…a few months early. But he doesn’t seem to complain about it. 

Word Count: 592

Pairings: Cove Holden x F! Reader

︻︻︻︻︻︻

“W-wait! We shouldn’t- fuck!” Cove moaned as his back arched, spurts of cum shooting out his cock and landing on his stomach. He brought his hand to cover up his loud moan as his blue eyes flickered to his door, expecting his father to burst it open at any time. The green-haired boy was a nervous wreck, his heart thudding in his chest from the thought of getting in trouble receiving head from his girlfriend in the middle of the night. Where everyone was asleep, except them. This excited him.

 Cove sat on the edge of his bed, bottom half bare, and in between them was his lovely girlfriend of 6 years. Soft hands squeezed his quivering thighs, keeping them open to prevent them from crushing your head as you gave the tip of Cove’s cock kitten licks. Cove swallows the slob of saliva that threatens to spill from his lips as you tilt your head to lovingly gaze into his teary ones. He whimpers when you remove a hand from his thigh to gently push Cove’s top half down onto the bed. When he does, you grab onto his cock and shove it into your mouth, gagging a bit as he exclaims at the sudden move and thrusts into your mouth. 

He flushes at his volume and grabs a pillow to shove his face into it, moaning and groaning into the pillow. The knot in his stomach threatened to snap the more you sucked, licked, and fondled his cock and balls. Smirking at his approaching load, you remove his cock from your lips, kissing his thigh when Cove removes the pillow from his face and whines at the sudden loss of warmth.

You laugh at his expression. He looks so beautiful… Face flushed, tears spilling from his eyes, stomach painted in his cum, shirt lifted and exposing Cove’s perky pink nipples from you flicking and sucking on them for an hour straight. He looked like he came straight out of a painting. He was a beautiful mess. 

Crawling on top of Cove and settling on his chest, hands searching his own to hold, arousal soaking your underwear. You plant kisses all over his face before landing on his lips. 

“Happy early birthday, Cove.” You whispered before shifting to remove your underwear. Cove knew then and there, that he was in for a long night.

.

The next morning Cove woke up sore and drained, not that he minded. You had already left a while ago, leaving behind multiple hickeys all over his thighs, neck, and chest. Yawning, he throws on his discarded clothes before heading to the kitchen to eat breakfast. His father, who sat at the sofa, turned to Cove to tell him ‘Good morning’ before setting his eyes back onto the tv. It was quiet. The only sound was Cove searching through the cupboards looking for his favorite cereal and the show Mr. Holden was watching. 

Munching on his breakfast, Cove pulls out his phone and scrolls through his social media until his father breaks the silence. 

“Did you use protection?” Mr. Holden asked, eyes still set on the tv and ignoring his son choking on his breakfast. 

“W-what?” Cove fearfully questioned, hoping his father isn’t asking what he’s asking. 

Mr. Holden laughs at Cove’s expression, wiping his eyes from tears. “All I’m asking is if you both used protection since I was around your age when your mom and I had you.” 

Safe to say, Cove couldn’t make eye contact with either you or his father for the next few days due to embarrassment.

                      ︼︼︼︼︼︼

A/N: Finished another one!! but im not that good writing smut lol so don’t be too harsh on me

[hurtmyfavsthanks]

ANOTHER MAGIC EUPHORIA ASK

imagine whumpee coming down from it, while in that first stage of emptiness, is super sensitive to sensations. like if caretaker is stroking their hair and whispering the sensations of breath against their skin and pressure against their hair makes them shiver from almost a kind of overstimulation—but as a longing for more.

anyways whumpee being cradled in caretakers arms, head tucked into their neck after a battle like a child when everyone else sees them as a dangerous weapon (whumpee included)

(context)

Oh absolutely. After that being swept away in their magic, able to feel nothing but the pulsing of power through their body, the aches and mains of exhausted muscles is almost a comfort. The unpleasant sensitivity of their skin when Caretaker touches them is grounding, and they chase the feeling rather than flee from it.

And I love the duality of fragility and danger! I’m imagining the situation you mentioned happening on-mission. Not in the middle of a fight obviously, but the quiet hours before it, soldiers piled into camp waiting for sunrise to continue their battle. Everyone’s exhausted, tending to scrapes and scarfing down rations.

Caretaker has been sitting against a nearby tree for what seems like hours. Whumpee’s pinning them in place, legs wrapped around their torso, arms around their neck, head tucked into the crook of their neck. It’s as if they’re trying to press every inch of their skin into Caretaker. Caretaker was whispering something to them, a hand rubbing their back, but nobody dared get close enough to hear.

They look pathetic. Like a shell shocked civilian who saw battle for the first time. Like a child clinging to their mother.

Mere hours ago, they looked like the devil himself. Mere hours ago they were bringing down destruction the soldiers had only ever heard about in horror stories, a grin splitting across their face as they killed foes without remorse. A number of the injuries being tended to were from Whumpee, on soldiers who thought that being allied with Whumpee would protect them from the danger they posed. They wouldn’t make that mistake again.

Whumpee looks pathetic, but all the soldiers can see is the magic underneath their skin. They keep their distance.

Any friendly commodore Whumpee had managed to develop is gone by the morning. The soldiers are respectful, but keep their distance, each one treating Whumpee like a loaded gun. Caretaker’s the only one who still looks them in the eye. Whumpee hasn’t let go of their hand since they woke up.

[obsidiancreates]

One Undead To Another (Chapter 16)

(Trigger warnings for graphic depictions of injury/dying, blood, nightmares)

Gus tips the delivery person and walks back into the main room of the office with two still-steaming burritos in a bag. Shawn feels the memory of salivating at that same smell– god, not even a week ago. Somehow it feels like it’s been years since he woke up cold and starving, but at the same time it’s been seconds. Is that a vampire thing, an ADHD thing, or a trauma thing? Is it worth figuring out? Not right now.

His mouth is bone-dry as he accepts the burrito. It smells good, great, and the way the warmth of it seeps through the tinfoil into his hands is heavenly. He feels no excitement to bite into it. 

“Alright.” Gus sits down at his desk. “Test number one– garlic.”

“I dunno about this, man. I told you I get hungry after I get hurt.”

“Shawn, we need to figure out your supernatural weaknesses before going back to taking cases.”

“I think we can consider garlic a lock!”

“Sunlight isn’t.”

“... Fair. … Fine. But only if you make some posters to hang around so we get some more private cases.”

“Why? Are you hungry again already?”

“...”

“Do I need to pull out the pencil rosary again?”

“Maybe? It’s not… bad. It’s just kind of… there. Can we just– I’m taking a bite, if I burst into flames or turn into a pile of ash just know my text about my Tears for Fears vinyls still applies.”

“Shawn.”

“Just making sure.” Shawn unwraps the burrito. It’s weird, to know something smells so delicious and know it should be making your mouth water and know you should be excited to eat it, but none of that matters. It’s like the whole experience is hitting a glass wall, clearly there, just barely out of reach to him. 

He takes a bite. Shredded pork, salsa, guac, there’s even roasted corn in this one. It’s loaded, incredible, and he can’t really enjoy it because even though it all tastes exactly like it did when he was human it doesn’t mean anything. Nothing is satisfied by it. In fact, the pang of hunger sharpens as the taste of the pork specifically floods his mouth.

It’s meat, and it’s wrong. Close, so close to what he needs, but not right.

“So?”

Shawn swallows. “Didn’t even burn.”

“Alright, garlic is a no.” Gus crosses it off his list. “We’ve gotta find some garlic flowers next and see if those do anything.”

“Garlic flowers? Don’t be silly, Gus.”

“Garlic flowers are another classic vampire ward, Shawn! They’re used in the original Dracula novel!”

“It’s a novel?” 

“We had to read it in the seventh grade, remember?!”

“Not really. I do remember watching one of those old uh, black-and-white movies with Count Dookie.”

“Count Dooku, Shawn.”

“Gus, he was one of the bad guys, let’s not sweat over his name.”

“You’re trying to distract me.”

“Am not.”

“You are! You’re deflecting again!”

“Deflecting? Please.”

“We agreed, last night, that if you got uncomfortable with focusing on the vampire stuff or the psychic stuff you’d say it outright and we’d switch gears.”

“... Alright. Alright, yes, I’m… wanting to change the subject for a while.”

“Fine. Psychic stuff still fine, or no supernatural stuff at all?”

“None at all, man, I just… let’s watch a movie or something. Least that won’t be different.”

“Alright. Hey, I think American Duos is on.”

“Really? … Wow. Their ratings must be terrible, it’s the middle of the afternoon on a weekday.”

“The guy they replaced Zappato with is kind of lacking, and they had to replace Emilina last season and she’s not great either. I think it’s only still on because the producers are afraid of telling Nigel St Nigel he’s off the air.”

“Really? It sounds awful. Let’s watch the entire season.”

“You know that’s right.”

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Nice of you to join us today, detectives.”

They both freeze in their tracks. Lassiter turns around first, adjusting his tie nervously. “Ready to get back to work, Chief. It was just a 24 hour thing, and I’m firing on cylinders today.”

“We both are,” Jules jumps in.

“Good, because your homicide case wrapped up the other night and we need a few closing details from you both. You’ll find the paperwork on your desks–”

“Chief!” Buzz jogs over. “We just got a report on the wire, body pulled out of a lake. Looks like drowning.”

Jules makes eye contact with Lassiter. Shawn’s abilities really have evolved. 

“Oh, detectives!” Buzz grins at them both. “I’m glad you guys are feeling better today! Oh, um, Detective Lassiter, I put any remains of journals or anything we found from the mansion in a box and left it by your desk.”

The Chief turns to Lassiter with a disbelieving, you-better-explain threatening smile. “Uh, detective, when did you ask Officer McNab to do this?”

Crap. “Uh, over the phone yesterday, Chief.”

“And you heard about the mansion burning down… how?”

“... Well, uh… Spencer! Yes, Spencer called me in the middle of the night, said he had a vision. Normally I would’ve told him to screw off but I… humored, him, when he asked me to tell McNab… that.”

“You… humored… Mr. Spencer?”

“I blame the fever, Chief.”

“Well, then… I’ll blame it as well. If Mr. Spencer thinks something additionally important is in those journals, I’ll let you hold onto them for the moment, but it’s looking like this case is pretty much completely shut, at this point in time. Right now I want this drowning case to be your top priority.”

“You got it, Chief,” Jules says, giving a too-wide smile and overly enthusiastic thumbs-up. The Chief eyes her oddly for a moment, and then walks back to her office.

“Keep it together, O’Hara, you’re the one who convinced me to play along with this crap,” Lassiter whispers as they quickly walk to his desk.

“I’m trying! The bigger the secret, the harder time I have keeping it!”

“Then why in god’s name are we doing this?!”

“Because Shawn doesn’t deserve to go to jail or a mental facility for something he had no control over!”

“You do realize–”

“As soon as I said it. But Shawn’s not one of the the bad guys, Carlton. It’s different. He’s one of us.”

“... Yeah, alright.” Lassiter tries to sound unconvinced as he agrees. They reach his desk and he takes the lid off the box, frowning as he looks inside. “This is what McNab considers salvageable? He’s more off than I was before the divorce.”

“Oh, Carlton.”

“... My therapist says turning the situation into humor could help me move past it.”

“Alright… well, if you think it’s helping.”

Lassiter looks back into the box, slightly flushed with embarrassment now, and carefully looks through. “I don’t know that we’ll get anything helpful from this.”

“Well, maybe they’ll trigger some kind of… psychic revelation for Shawn.”

“We’re bringing him evidence now?”

“He’ll probably steal it out of evidence if we don’t.”

“You finally caught him doing that?”

“No, but, we both know he does.”

“... Fine. At least this way we can ask for it back. … Let’s focus on this drowning thing instead. You were lying when you said you’d call him, right?”

“No, I was not.”

“O’hara, you saw him this morning. He’s not even close to ready to work on a serious case.”

“... Fine. I’ll wait until we have evidence of foul play. If nothing suggests that, I’ll just tell him it was an accidental drowning case tomorrow.”

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Henry closes the door to the security room and gives himself a moment to chuckle, tossing his badge up once and tucking it back into his suit pocket. He forgot how much he enjoyed flashing the badge to get into places.

He pulls up the security feed from outside the store on the night in question. He scrubs through, trying to pick out any suspicious details.

There. 

Just before 3 AM, a motorcycle is caught speeding by. It’s too blurry an image to tell if it’s Shawn’s bike, but Henry’s always considered ‘confirmation bias’ to be something that applies to other people. His investigations have never suffered from such a thing.

He scrubs through some more. Cars, cars, it’s too dark and blurry on the camera to tell them apart by make or model, much less license plates. The motorcycle is all he’s getting from this. 

He stands up, straightens his suit, and leaves. Maybe he’ll get something better from a more expensive store’s security feed. 

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shawn scoots a little further away as Gus lets out a snore and mumbles something flirtatious in his sleep. He thinks he’s getting an okay handle on the hunger thing– his throat is shot to hell again already, the temptation of Gus’s blood a little bit like that time his dad put a marshmallow on a plate and told him if he didn’t touch it for fifteen minutes he could have two. Comparisons keep drifting through his head, all the different things he can taste from having Gus so close, even when he does his best to stop breathing it in. 

Again, the movie snacks aren’t helping whatsoever. He keeps eating them anyway.

His mouth aches again. Pulses with pain in time with Gus’s heartbeat. He should really stop setting up situations where he’s alone with one or more of them.

He leans his head back on the couch and closes his eyes. The sound of the movie is sharp against his ears, just adding to the headache, getting less and less comprehensible as he slowly drifts off to sleep.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Juliet doesn’t have Thornburg.

Juliet doesn’t have Thornburg.

So why is she dying?

Shawn is holding her hand, trying to confess, but the words are stuck in his throat. Jules is wheezing, her eyes bleeding, looking into his with a fear dulled by a thick glaze of illness. Jules is dying. Jules is dying.

Lassie doesn’t get shot in the graveyard.

Lassie doesn’t get shot in the graveyard.

So why is he dying?

Shawn is holding Lassie as he bleeds out– no, he’s holding Mary Light, no, he’s holding Lassie, no, he’s–

Lassie’s blood is spilling out of his chest. He’s looking at Shawn with a level of terror that Shawn never ever wants to see from the detective, never should see from him.

He’s holding Mary again. “Wake up, Shawn.”

Lassie is dying in Shawn’s arms.

Lassie is dying in Shawn’s arms.

Gus doesn’t fall off a cliff when he grabs onto the extreme sports murderer.

Gus doesn’t fall off a cliff when he grabs onto the extreme sports murderer. 

So why is he dying?

Shawn holds Gus at the bottom of the cliff. Gus’s blood coats the rock beneath them. His eyes are completely sightless, his mouth trying to form words that will never come, not with a head injury like this. Gus’s hand grips Shawn’s so tight it hurts, a silent plea to save him.

Gus is dying and Shawn can’t save him.

Gus is dying and Shawn can’t save him.

Henry is not the victim of a plane crash.

Henry is not the victim of a plane crash.

So why is he dying?

Shawn struggles to keep his father’s head straight with one hand as he tries to get the radio working with the other. Henry is barely awake, wheezing, mumbling incoherently. Shawn can’t make the radio work. He can’t call for help.

He looks at his dad and sees regret shining in his bloodshot eyes. Henry reaches out with one bloodied arm and grabs Shawn’s bicep. There’s a tree branch impaled through his abdomen. He looks Shawn in the eye and opens his mouth–

“Wake up!”

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shawn sits up with a gasp! His grandmother’s voice screaming through his father’s mouth echoes in his head as he pushes off the couch and runs to the bathroom, splashing cold–

No, no, he’s colder than it is, he switches the tap and splashes warm water on his face. It’s unnatural, it’s wrong, it’s not something his skin should be anymore– the warmth shocks him into full wakefulness.

“Shawn?!” Gus’s footsteps are like hammers against his skull, his quickened heartbeat like a jackhammer. Shawn presses his hands over his ears.

“Shawn!” Gus’s hands are so warm, so warm, warm warm warm blood spilling into Shawn’s jeans from Gus’s skull at the bottom of a cliff–

“WHAT THE–!”

Shawn finds himself presses against the bathroom wall, Gus standing in the doorway with the makeshift rosary held up, wet handprints on his shirt. Gus is shaking. Shawn realizes he feels fangs poking his lip.

He gulps in a breath, pressing his hands to his torso, then his face, holding them out– he repeats until he feels like he’s in his own body again. Gus watches, poised to run.

Shawn shakes his head, trying to knock the last echoes of the nightmare out. They won’t ever go away. They won’t ever go away.

Something clicks. He looks up. “Oh, god. I didn’t–”

“You lunged right for my neck.”

“I- Gus, I’m so– I didn’t–”

“I could tell.” Gus relaxes a little. His heart is still pounding. Shawn realizes belatedly that his voice has gone raspy again. Gus keeps the rosary held up. “What was that?”

“I-I… don’t…” Shawn swallows. They agreed he’d be honest. They agree he had to be honest, at least between the two of them. “I had a nightmare.”

“... About?”

“I don’t… want to talk about it.” If he talks about it he’ll relive it, he’ll have the images take over the real world again and if that happens he’s not sure he won’t try to–

“... Okay. Okay, but– Shawn, that was terrifying.”

“Yeah.”

“And your voice is all messed up again.”

“Noticed that too.”

“... You know, when I went out with Willow–”

“You guys actually went out?”

“Yes! A couple times! Anyway, she told me about this vampire bar place for people who pretend to be vampires.”

“So?”

“So… do you think you could handle just having a little from someone, uh… consenting for their own reasons?”

Flash of white, film grain, stalking up behind the burglar, covering his mouth, sinking his aching fangs into warm soft flesh and drinking–

Shawn shudders– he wishes it was because he disliked the feeling of the memory– vision? … Memory. God, he wishes he disliked it.

“Not doing that, Gus. First of all that’s not my kind of kinky business–”

“Eugh! I was trying not to say it outright, Shawn!”

“I know you were, that’s why I did. Anyway, second, that’s… too, vampire. Way too vampire.”

“... I could see if someone there is willing to donate blood.”

“Gus. You’ll pass out just trying to get the bag here.”

“I can handle it.”

“You don’t want to.”

“It’s that or you drinking me!”

“I won’t drink you!” Shawn doesn’t mean for it to come out panicked– but the way Gus tenses and raises the cross a bit more shows it did, in a bad way. Shawn shakes his head again, looking down and trying to regain some composure. “You– you just shouldn’t have to do that, buddy.”

“You shouldn’t have to be undead. It’s not a fair situation to any of us, Shawn.”

Jules, Lassie, Gus, Henry, bleeding bleeding bleeding dying dying dying Dying And Leaving Shawn Along FOREVER–

“I’m going.” Shawn is snapped out of it by Gus digging his car keys out of his pocket. “You just zoned out again and started shaking. If you don’t get blood, one of us is going to be in big trouble, and either way it goes it’ll be bad.”

“Gus–”

“I’ll just close my eyes or something! I’m putting this in front of the door on my way out, I’ll be back as soon as I can. And I’m letting Lassie and Jules know what I’m doing.”

“... Could you uh, leave out the–”

“Don’t even have to ask. Just… try to relax a little while I’m gone, okay?”

Shawn doesn’t agree or disagree. Gus leaves, and Shawn splashes his face a few more times before going back to the couch. He sits in the spot Gus had fallen asleep in. Maybe he’s imagining it because he’s so cold, but the spot still feels a little warm.

His cell rings a moment later. Crap. He lets it go to voicemail.

“Shawn, call me back, would you? What’s the point of these damn things if you just ignore it all the time? Look, I got a letter about your bike insurance and they’re raising the monthly payments. You put the damn bike on my card so I think I’m entitled to know how well you’re taking care of the thing if I’m going to keep paying for it.”

Shawn groans. He tosses his phone to the other side of the couch. He’ll reply later– or maybe never. 

Henry wheezing, staring with dull bloodshot eyes, reaching out–

…

He’ll reply later.

[dumbass-tumbler-cryptid]

I wonder what if the sedative drug Quaritch gave Spider didn't work and Spider woke up halfway to the Cabin

Oohh- very interesting question.

First it would depend on how the sedatives work on Spider. I’ve been put under multiple times and it alway affected me in different ways. Once it was like waking up hung over - a little disoriented and not feeling great but fairly with it. A few times I had started moving around, and talking before I was even truly conscious, like I don’t remember this happening at all but I was told I was having full on conversations where I answered questions and everything. Once I was told I cried before waking up. And a couple times I woke up and through up/ got super nauseous.

So just from my experience Spider would have to get lucky with his side effects for him to really be able to process everything and then try to formulate a plan of escape.

More than likely Spider would start to stir, without actually becoming conscious, and Quaritch would pull over somewhere unpopulated and just inject him with more sedatives. Now that I’m thinking of this, this probably would have actually happened because the whole trip to the cabin took three days, about two days of driving and one day of climbing. So Quaritch would have had to give him more drugs. I can imagine Spider talking in his sleep and starting to move around a lot. It’s two a.m and Quaritch is exhausted. The Sully’s reported Spider as missing eleven hours ago. The amber alert is only for surrounding states though and Quaritch is well away from that so he feels a little safer but he wasn’t about to take any chances. He pulls off the highway, parking at the most run down, poorly lit gas station, one that no other car is stopped at. He already has every doses of drugs loaded up into syringes, all neatly placed in a black carrying case he keeps in the glove compartment. He quickly slips one out and jabs Spider in the bicep with it. Then he gets out to refuel the car (he doesn’t actually need to, he’s got gas cans in the trunk but he’s stalling for time to make sure his son is really out for the count.) When he’s done he opens the back door to check on Spider. If anyone was watching he’d just look like a normal dad tucking in his sleeping teen on a long road trip. Quaritch feels his pulse, his breath. It’s all perfectly even. Before he sets off again he grabs one of his multiple thermoses full of coffee and begins chugging it. He’s still got a lot of driving to do.

But on the chance that Spider just woke up and was alert….

First he’d hear the music softly playing from the radio. 70’s and 80’s dad rock. No one he knew listed to that. Next he’d register the movement under him. He knew immediately from all his cross state moves that it was the sway of a car barreling down the highway. Then his mind flashed to the last thing he remembered, falling. He’d hit the ground after something had tripped his board. A man had come up behind him saying, “here son let me help y’a up.” The very last thing he remembered was his blood running cold as the familiarity of that voice registered in his mind. Quaritch. He finally did it…

Spider forced his breathing to stay calm and even despite the adrenaline coursing through his veins, keeping his eyes shut tight. The panic makes his usual hyperactive mind feel like it’s dialing in, becoming single mindedly focused on one thing. Escape. He feels that his hands and legs aren’t tied down, but his waist is strapped to the back of the seat. He can’t feel any kind of release and he can’t open his eyes in case Quaritch looks back and sees he awake. Then he’s screwed. He could feel that the restraint weren’t tight though. He could probably wiggle out of them if he had the space. He just needed to wait until they stopped.

It took hours but finally he heard Quaritch mumble about needin’ to fill up. Spider ready himself. They pulled off onto a dirt road. Spider could tell from how bumpy it got. To Spider’s horror the first thing Quaritch did when they stopped was check on him. He adjusted the blanket around Spider. Stuck his finger under his nose to feel the breath that Spider was using the will Eywa to keep steady. And then Quaritch put a hand on his chest, feeling his racing heart. Spider could also feel the man’s grin. “Oh you’re wide awake.” Spider didn’t hesitate after that. He flung the opposite door open and started twisting out of his restraints, slowly sinking to the ground. Quaritch was moving on the other side. There was a rustling of the glove box. A zipper being pulled open. Spider just had gotten his feet past the restraints…

Quaritch latched onto his ankle pulling him in like a fish on a line. Spider dug his fingers into the dirt, kicking both his feet out while Quaritch tried to jab him with a syringe. He got lucky, his foot connecting right with Quaritch’s face. While the man recovered Spider slips out of the car and starts to run. They’re in a cornfield. Probably somewhere in the mid west he thinks with horror. They were midway through the country.

Spider runs trying to find somewhere to hide. There’s no sign of life out here. No one to help. In the distance he can hear the rev of an engine as Quaritch’s SUV comes speeding after him. Spider makes a harsh right turn, the a left hoping running serpentine will slow down his father’s ability to chase him. Once Quaritch catches on though he completely floors it, doing half a donut around Spider, stoping right in his direct pathway. Spider can’t stop in time and runs right into the front of the car, crumbling to the ground.

He fights to get up as Quaritch gets out of the car. Spider rises and starts to run but he’s slower now. Quaritch stalks after him tackling Spider to the ground. There’s a fight but it’s hardly a match. Quaritch is able to stab the needle into his flank. Spider keeps trying to hit him even as he’s slowly pulled under. As the fog starts to consume his brain his limbs go limp. Quaritch throws him over his shoulder carrying Spider back to his doom. The last words Spider heard before everything went black. Don’t worry son. We’ll be home soon. 

So yeah he still wouldn’t escape. It’d really just add to the ✨drama✨ Quaritch is just way too prepared for Spider to be able to get very far.

[catamano]

6:47am - Georgia

By the time my alarm finally goes off, I’ve already been awake for at least an hour. I didn’t sleep very well last night, I think I woke up twice. I roll over to grab my phone, which has somehow made it to the floor. I guess it’s time to actually get up. I shake off my blanket and sit up, my alarm still blaring. I lean down and grab my phone, silencing the alarm with the button on the side. 6:47am, ew, at least it’s almost Friday. Sixteen texts, all from my math class group chat. My teacher posted the grades last night. I guess I was asleep or at the game. What’s the website again? I might as well check my grade now. Power something. Before I can think of it, I remember there’s an app.

“Peach? Are you up?” I hear my dad ask, followed by a knock.

“Yeah,” I respond, yawning. Username… What did Mom make it? This was my first test of the year, so I’ve never actually logged in before. I’m sure she sent it to me.

“There’s no hot water this morning,” Dad tells me.

“That’s fine, I showered last night,” I reply. As soon as I got home, I showered and passed out. Our game went on forever, we barely won in the third set. Coach gave me about a five minute in the second set break before she threw me back in. At least my shoulder doesn’t hurt this morning. I turn to my left, giving it a slight stretch. Just kidding. 

“Breakfast in twenty,” he informs me. I don’t say anything in response. I hear him knocking at Lucy’s door, relaying to her the same thing he told me. 

I find the username and password in my texts with Mom. The username is just my name and the password is her usual password to everything. 1122050407010119. It looks like a random assortment of numbers, but it’s actually all of our birthdays strung together. I type them both into the app and wait for it to load. I think I did okay on the test. Math isn’t my strongest class this year. The home screen pops up and I press on my math class. I have a C? 72/100 on the test. Shit. That’s three points away from failing.My school doesn’t do D’s, so anything under a 70 is counted as an F.

There’s another knock on the door, quieter this time, I’m guessing it’s Mom. “Good morning, love, are you awake?” she asks. 

“Yeah, I’m awake.” I stand up, leaving my phone on my bed. I can’t believe I got a C. I’ve never gotten a C. At least it’s only the first test.

“Can I come in?” Ugh. Not now.

“I’m getting dressed.” I still need to figure out what I’m going to wear today. There’s no game, which means I don’t have to dress up. Thank god. I’m too tired to think of an outfit.

“I can wait,” she says.

“What do you want?” I ask her, slightly annoyed. I open my closet and see clothes everywhere. I really need to do laundry. 

“I want to talk to you about something,” she replies.

“Dad already told me about the shower.”

“It’s not about the shower.” What does she want? There’s no way it’s about my test. She and Dad stopped checking my grades years ago.

“Okay. You can’t talk to me about it later?” I quickly change into a t-shirt and my last clean pair of jeans. Black on black, nice. My jeans feel a little loose, so I grab the only black belt off my shelf. It’s actually Mom’s belt, she let me borrow it months ago. I forgot it was still in here. Should I even wear this? Whatever, it’s fine. Mom’s expensive belt it is.

“Are you upset?” I just got up five minutes ago. What does she need at seven in the morning?

“No, just tired,” I sigh, dragging a brush through my tangled hair. If the grades are up, that means we’re definitely getting our tests back today. Great. I can’t wait to see how bad I did.

“Did you sleep okay?” I roll my eyes. Really, Mom? I don’t feel like having a conversation through the door.

“Just come in.”

The door opens and in steps Mom. She seems to be in a good mood this morning. Can’t relate.

“Hi,” she greets softly. I don’t turn around.

“What?” I bluntly reply. I’m staring at her through the mirror.

“Are you okay?” 

“Fine,” I lie, “I’m just tired.” If I tell Mom that I did bad on my test, she’s just going to tell me it’s okay. It’s normal to fail sometimes, love. That’s not what I want to hear right now.

“Georgia-”

“What do you want, Mom?” I interrupt. I wish she’d leave me alone.

“What’s wrong?” She’s standing behind me, watching me with concerned eyes.

“You had something you wanted to talk to me about,” I remind her.

“That can wait. What’s bothering you?”

“Seriously? You came in here to tell me something and now you’re not gonna tell me?” I’m frustrated now. 

“I’ll tell you after you tell me what’s bothering you,” she says. She reaches for my shoulder, I pull away.

“I already told you. Nothing,” I lie for the second time. I know she doesn’t believe me, but I don’t care. Mom lies, I can too.

She frowns, clearly not satisfied by my answer. “We both know that’s not true.”

“So now you’re calling me a liar?” I retort.

“Georgia-”

I cut her off again, “Tell me or get out.”

She doesn’t respond. I know she’s not going tell me whatever she wanted to say. Whatever. I’m not surprised. Not telling me things seems to be her favorite thing to do these days.

“I’ll leave you alone,” she finally says, “Breakfast will be ready soon, okay?”

“Dad already told me.”

“Okay, I’ll see you downstairs,” she pauses, “I love you.” Her eyes meet mine for a second before I quickly look away.

Mom stands there for a few more seconds before quietly leaving. I return to my phone, maybe I read the grade wrong. I log in again and wait for it to load. Wrong password, dang it. I always forget the order. I try the password for the second time and it lets me in.  Algebra 2, C-. Nope, didn’t read it wrong, I still have a C. Great. Maybe Ms. Stevens will let me do corrections or extra credit or something. I don’t know. I’ve never gotten a grade this low before.

[nico-nico-suavecito]

Trans Year of Gratitude

Despair mitigation in the face of unceasing tragedy - a reflection on the last year following the Club Q shooting.

One year ago on Trans Day of Remembrance, I was scheduled to speak at my friend’s church about the nonprofit I work for. I was going to talk about queer joy and trans youth and all the work the church has supported us in doing. Then, I was going to pick up my partner and we were going to drive to Phoenix to visit my chosen family there, with a stop in Santa Fe.

I woke up that morning to a deluge of text messages and notifications, asking me if I was okay. I couldn’t tell you which headline first crossed my vision that finally pieced it all together. Just the flash of words. Club Q. Shooting. Injured. Dead.

In the months before this, I’d been in a state of trans revelry. I was back on testosterone. I was experimenting with self-expression and letting myself be the alt boy I never got to be in high school. My friends and I were going out dancing each week. I’d just entered a T4T relationship and was head over heels in love. I’d just restarted the queer open mics in October after a covid hiatus and was excited for them to be a regular event again.

I still went to church that Sunday morning, for possibly the first time in years. I struggled to be present — I kept scouring social media for news, reading my friends statuses and comments. “Has anyone heard from…” “Can someone confirm if they’re safe…”

I still went up to speak. Through tears, I wondered at our holidays. Trans Day of Visibility. Trans Day of Remembrance. I felt so much rage, the kind of rage that is love at its fiercest. We deserve better holidays than this. We deserve trans days of joy, and love, and everything beyond survival.

When I sat back down in the pew, I opened my phone. I saw that Daniel, who had been to my house multiple times for hair cuts and parties and who I admired as an out and proud trans man in our community, was gone.

I broke down in the pews. As the congregation sung “We Are the Ones” by Sweet Honey in the Rock, I started to write a wishlist of everything I wanted for trans people instead of what we were given. I wished us everything from bleeding bigots to coffee in bed with those we love. That’s how trans day of i love you was written.

That day, as people were sharing my post to their story, I started collecting people’s additions to the poem because they gave me hope and gratitude.

On the way to Phoenix, my partner Brin and I cried, wondered at the future that was feeling ever more uncertain, and we sang at the top of our lungs with Say Anything - Alive! Alive! Alive with love!

That night, when we made love in a Santa Fe hostel, I felt a certain urgency. Life felt so precious, so fleeting. I wanted to devour her. I wanted to be swallowed up by beauty.

She woke up the next morning with a cough and chills. One positive covid test and a six hour drive later, and we were back in Colorado Springs.

Like last year, I am in my house today, quarantining because of covid. This time, it’s been near impossible to find a PCR test to confirm it. My rapid test was negative, as it often has been when I’ve had covid. Still, in trying to keep my community safe, I can’t go to any memorials. I’m writing this instead.

In the months following, I was often asked, in interviews, by allies, in loaded how are yous, about how things are for queer people in Colorado Springs in the aftermath of Club Q. Whether things were better now that Colorado Springs has double the rainbow flags on display than it once had.

I think people want to hear that things are better. Increased support for the queer community in the aftermath would help our human desire for life to have a narrative in which tragedy serves a greater purpose. But it doesn’t. People are dead who should not be dead. They should be here, living their lives, with countless moments of joy before them. People are alive and still suffering their wounds, both physical and mental, with insufficient support. The needs of survivors have been buried beneath greed. Queer- and transphobia continues to be alive and well.

I don’t go dancing without knowing the emergency exits. Hiring security is now an essential part of hosting queer open mic, and this precaution is also salt in the wound.

What I can also say is that this community is so strong. The queer people of Colorado Springs continue to organize, fight, and live with a vibrancy that inspires me every day. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

Still, following Club Q, the world feels more uncertain than ever. It’s an uncertainty that’s been growing — long before Q, long before covid, long before Trump.

It’s hard to look at the shooting in a vacuum. After all, every piece of anti-trans legislation that was introduced this year feels like salt in the wound that Club Q tore open. How can anyone heal when every day there is a new headline about a new group of people who want to legislate against you and people like you.

These years have begged so many questions, questions that many people in this country have been asking for decades: What does America hold in store for us? This country that cares so little for all its people that it would feed them to the maw of capitalism, a hungry god that can never be satiated? A country that let us down to the tune of one million covid deaths and counting? A country that shows time and time again how little it cares for the most vulnerable, with every mass shooting, every piece of anti-trans legislation, every new covid case, every instance of police brutality against people of color, every gallon of petroleum that will push us over nature’s tipping point, every dollar funding the genocide of Palestinians?

Recently, a friend of mine posted on Facebook asking how anyone can feel any peace and joy in the world these days.

I’ve spent the majority of this year trying to figure that out after years of burnout that, despite the fact that I have so much to be thankful for, had embedded a deep exhaustion in me that left me often anhedonic and withdrawn from, not only the world, but myself as well. I worried that this exhaustion would mean the end of my life-long career in activism and organizing at best, and the ultimate succumbing to despair at worst.

I am a person prone to despair, and have been since I was a kid. Not just sadness, but despair — a helpless emotion, a sadness without hope. I’ve always taken the world very personally. The first time I met depression and suicidality were in middle school when I watched An Inconvenient Truth. This started a year-long spiral, during which I was convinced that human beings were parasites destroying this earth, and as a human being, there was no way I could logically justify my existence. Despair has accompanied me since, even when I eventually realized that people are capable of immense love and beauty, and that the real drain on this earth is capitalistic greed and fascism.

I want to share here what has helped me as the case for despair has only continued to grow, in the hopes that it may offer a way forward for those who, like me, struggle at times to get out of bed, and who feel like they are often at the precipice of being consumed by said despair. And, as with everything I write, this is also a series of reminders to myself, as knowledge doesn’t always equal practice. I have been in a very despair-forward place lately, so I am hoping I might course correct myself in writing this all out.

I believe the three prophylactics against paralyzing despair are gratitude, hope, and action. I believe them to be three sisters unified in a dance, their chalices held to the air in service of joy. When I speak of joy, I don’t speak of the mythology of capital-H-Happy. I don’t think there is such a destination. I think of joy as a tool of resistance. I think of it as that which fuels us forward, in even the darkest of times.

If I am to continue to be an engaged and active resistor against that which seeks to annihilate all of us - corporate greed, bigotry, fascism, I can't be overcome by despair, despite being very prone to despair, as I've been for as long as I can remember. In that way, joy serves a vital purpose in the revolution.

Gratitude is a muscle I am trying to work out every day. I think we owe it to this world, this world that continues to be so full of beauty, despite all of the terrible things that happen within it, to try and be grateful for what is here and good right now. These moments — my boyfriend bringing me coffee in bed, the bird stopping by my bird feeder, sitting on the dock of the lake by my house, every time I go out dancing at the gay bar and nothing bad happens — these moments feel more precious than ever. I try to savor them, despite the knowledge that 1. terrible things are happening or can happen at all times, and 2. these good moments are likely to become more and more scarce for all of us if fascism and climate change progress at the rate they are. If I become overcome by despair with this knowledge, the reserves of my hope go unfilled and I can’t be of service to this world. So, I have to be grateful. I have to savor what’s good.

Gratitude also provides the foundation of hope. Hope is an intentional choice, and not one made easily.

“People speak of hope as if it is this delicate, ephemeral thing made of whispers and spider webs. It’s not. Hope has dirt on her face, blood on her knuckles, the grit of cobblestones in her hair, and just spat out a tooth as she rises for another go.” — Tweet by Crowsfault

Without hope, there is nothing to fight for. There is nothing to build toward. We have to have a vision of what can be. So many forces seek to take imagination from us, but we have to be able to imagine the future we want to build, not just the systems we want to dismantle. Admittedly, my imagination isn’t what it used to be — chronic stress has weakened it, but the gratitude that I am present with helps rebuild my imagination of what could be.

I am grateful when I see my trans friends happy and safe. What if all trans people got to be happy and safe. What if we could live their lives without an ounce of fear. What if we got to dance with abandon, without thinking of the emergency exits.

I am grateful when I see my trans friends have access to gender affirming health care. What if all trans people had access to gender affirming health care. What if it was free, and easy to access. What if that was the case for all health care for everyone.

I am grateful when I get to be in nature and feel how I am part of it, how I am, in the words of Alan Watts, “the universe experiencing itself.” What if we all felt that way. What if we all realized we create ourselves in the forge of how we love the world around us.

I am grateful for the organizers, the activists, the changemakers, the artists. What if the world was guided by people like them, people who lead with such a fierce love?

When I feel overcome by dread, it is their words that buoy me. One poem I return to often is Ross Gay’s “Catalog of Unabashed Gratitude.” If I go outside and listen to it and watch the birds, and the clouds, and the people pass by, I can mainline enough hope into me that I can at least do what must be done. Work. Love the people I love. Create. Organize and advocate. If I’m lucky, there will be enough beautiful things that happen that day that I can find more gratitude and hope to keep me going.

Hope and gratitude would be empty platitudes without action, the truest triumph over despair. I think that we all have roles to play in this world inundated with pain. I think we as a community are in the process of learning the power of our voices. The ways that we can amplify gratitude, and hope, and action in all we do, all we share, all we write, all we create.

I have started to see it as a cycle. Act. Act until you must rest and remind yourself of a future you can hope toward to motivate you. If you can’t envision a future you can hope for, be intentional in being grateful for what is so that you can see what can be. If you need to be reminded of what is, seek and create moments in your life that kindle the flames of your gratitude.

I say all this, and still, there are some weeks I can barely leave my bed. I always try my best, but my best isn’t what it used to be. But I have to try and try and keep trying. And gratitude, hope, and action, however foolish and futile they might feel at times, are the best ways I’ve found to try right now, so that we might be able to continue to fight like hell for the people we love, both dead and alive.

P.S. A note for you, reader. I am grateful you’re here. What if the world had more people like you? What would be possible then?

[lovelyrocker]

Like Me Part Eleven

Bones & All (AU)

Warnings: Blood, Murder Scene, Violence, Cannibalism, Arguing, Angst, Language

Characters: Lee, Reader, Liam(OMC)

Parings: None

Word Count: 2,824

She woke up with the sun, turning over in the queen bed to yet another empty spot next to her. She sat up looking around the room. The bed next to her was cold, making her wonder if he even came to bed last night. Like most nights this past week Lee has been staying on the couch in the living room. She had no idea why but didn’t pry either. 

After dressing and making the bed Y/N went downstairs to find Lee asleep on the couch in the living room. Just as she thought she would. She went to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee before going into the living room to wake Lee. To her surprise he was already awake, sitting up on the couch. 

“Hey.” She said, leaning against the door frame.

“Hey.”

“So, what’s with you sleeping down here lately?” She asks, staying across the room.

Lee ran a hand over his face. “Just thought it would be better for now.”

“How come?”

“Just cause.” He stood, folding his blanket. 

You gave a nod as he continued to put away his sleeping stuff. “You still want to take Liam camping this weekend?”

“Yeah. I figured we can leave tonight. When I get off of work.”

“I’ll pack today while you’re gone.” She tells him, watching him closely. 

“Okay.” Was all he said, still not looking at her. 

He felt hands gently touching his bare arms and he stopped. “Please talk to me.” She whispered, resting her chin on his shoulder. “Don’t close yourself off like you did.”

He turned, facing her. “That’s not what this is.” He told her quickly, taking her face into his hands. “I’m not trying to do that again. I promise.” He looked deep into her eyes. “There are some things I just want to keep you from.”

“Lee-”

“I know you want to know all of it but I don’t want you to.” He stroked her face with his thumb. “Please understand that.” She gave a nod and he kissed her forehead. “Thank you.”

She packed all of their bags and gear while Lee was at work, Liam jumping all around the house excited to go camping. She laughed as he rolled up his little sleeping bag and placed it on the pile. 

When Lee got home they loaded up the old pick up and headed out. Liam was a bouncing mess like he hadn’t been camping dozens of times in the last few months. They drove a few hours out of the way in the opposite direction that Lee last took Liam to “hunt”. Lee was quieter than normal. He didn’t really say must to Y/N or even look at her. 

That didn’t stop her from noticing him, though. The way he seemed like he had a constant lump in his throat. How he couldn’t take a deep breath. His fingers twitched as he gripped the steering wheel. His eyes didn’t focus fully. 

They pulled into an old forgotten campsite on the outskirt of a small town. The outer grass and trees were overgrown. The fire pit was last used way too long ago. Dark black soot was spread across the area. The lake way off in the distance left a bit of leeway from the mosquitos. No one was around. Not another camper for a while. Secluded.

Lee sets up the tent as you make sandwiches while Liam chases fireflies. Le made smores with Liam as you watched them talk about the day and Liam told Lee about the puppy he saw at the park. 

After a while Lee got him asleep. After two stories and a song. Lee shook his head as he walked out of the tent he saw you sitting next to the fire, covered in a blanket. She looked back and saw him. Holding out an arm she offered Lee the spot next to her beneath the blanket. He sat down and she placed the blanket over his shoulder before wrapping her hands around her mug.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so weird.” He tells her. 

“I trust that if it was something serious, you’d tell me.” She placed her mug to the side. “I just want to know if you are okay.”

Lee nods. “I’m okay.” He pushes her hair behind her ear. “It’s just an. . .eater thing.” She nods as her eyes drift to the ground covered in leaves. “Hey,” He places his hand on her cheek. She looks up at him. “I’m okay.” She nods, leaning her head on his shoulder.

Lee leans his face into her hair and breathes deep. She looks up at him, his eyes are shut as he breathes deeply. Leaning closer she presses her lips to him. He melts into her, his hands gripping her body. The kiss grows deep, Lee tasting her like a starving animal. She feels his lips on her neck trailing kisses down to her shoulder, pulling her shirt away as he goes. 

He stops at her pulse point, her racing heart causing her blood to rush through her veins. He drags his lips across her skin followed by the gentle feel of his teeth barely ghosting over her skin. “Lee?” She can feel him panting as he inhales her scent. She tries to back away but he holds her there. His grip on her arms is bruisingly tight. 

He pulls away, not looking up at her, breathing shallow. “I‘ve gotta-” He backs away. “I- I need air. I need to-” He stands. “I’ll be back later.” He starts walking away.

“Lee, wait!” You stand and start to go after him. 

He turns, holding his hands out to stop you. “Stop!” He shouts. “I just need to clear my head. I’ll be back.” His brow is furrowed and fearful as he looks at you. “I promise.” He tones soften and is more assuring. Or at least he was trying to be. “I promise. I will be back.”

Wrapping your arms around yourself you nod. “Okay.”

He turned, walking away. “Don’t wait up.”

She lay in the tent for hours, looking at the stars through the netting tent top. She looked over at the watch next to the sleeping bag. Two am. She grumbled and tossed the watch aside. He’d been going for five hours. She was starting to get worried. Braking sticks pulled her from her worrying.

Crawling out of the tent she zipped it behind herself. She heard the branches and leaves crushing again. “Lee?” She calls gently. She walks to the edge of the trees and calls again. “Lee?!” She jumps when a rabbit hops across the grass out of the tree line. She gives a chuckle to herself as she realizes it is an animal. 

A laugh catches her attention in the distance. She looks back at the tent, Liam asleep safely. She looks around making sure no one is around to worry about. After she is satisfied he is safe she follows the sound of broken laugher and rustling. After walking into the woods she see a flashlight in the distance. She stops as the light gets closer. They obviously have no clue she is there because they are moving closer to her. She remains still as she realizes they are Lee. Lee and some girl she’d never seen before, in a skimpy two piece. They are sitting on a downed tree, laughing, flirting. 

Her blood boils as she sees him whisper something into her ear. The girl leans close to Lee, nibbling beneath his ear. Y/N can feel her face growing hot at the sight in front of her. Lee’s arm around another woman, his lips on her skin. 

She watched as Lee’s eyes popped open with the shift of the wind. His head snapped towards where Y/N was standing and for a moment she thought he saw her. Then he went back to the girl’s neck. The giggling sound from the girl made Y/N’s stomach turn. 

The giggles suddenly turn to a strained gasp then a gurgled scream as Lee pulls a  bloody chunk of skin from the girl’s throat with his teeth. It happened so fast Y/N wasn’t sure what had happened at first. Then she saw Lee lowering the twitching body of this woman to the ground, the front of his body drenched and dripping with the spurting blood from the gaping wound on her neck. Y/N’s hands went to her mouth as she stifled a scream herself. Lee’s head snapped up. He laid the body down and stood, his eyes sight directly where Y/N was standing. 

He inhaled deeply. “Y/N?” She let out a gasp as you backed away slowly, but the leaves crunching beneath her feet gave her away.

She turned and began running through the woods. Lee was quicker than her though. His hands were on her, grabbing her and shoving her against a tree. “Don’t!” She struggled against him. “Please!” 

“I’m not gonna hurt you!” Lee shouted as if him being louder would get her to not be scared. The wind blew hard and Lee’s mouth watered. 

“Please, Lee!” She cried. She turned and looked up at him, opening her eyes clearly, blinking away the tears. Or trying to at least. His eyes were dark but soft. Like he was scared himself. “Please let me go.” Her voice was almost a whisper. 

“You can’t run.” He grits out.

“Please, Lee.”

He leans in close and the smell of her burns his throat. The grip on her arms was so tight she knew he was bruising her. There was a low growl that came from him and it made her tense in fear, her face turned away from him. He looked at the vein pulsing in her neck. His lips brushed against her neck as his grip lessened on her arms. 

He leaned in closer, his lips now beneath her ear. “Please don’t run.” He said low. She feels his head lean against hers as if in surrendered. “Please.” He brings his hand up against her cheek. “I’m not gonna hurt you. I swear.” He lifts his head, looking at her. Everywhere he touched he left blood smeared across her skin.  He leaned his forehead against hers. “Don’t be scared.” He lifted his head looking her in the eyes. “I won’t-”

“Mommy? Lee?” The sound of Liam’s voice in the distance makes you gasp.

Lee’s head snaps to the side and he sees Liam walking towards the body of the dead woman. Lee looks her in the eyes and with an unspoken understanding Lee walks away. 

“Hey, buddy!” Lee speaks, his entire demeanor and voice changes into a softer tone. 

“Where’s mommy?” Liam yawns.

“Mommy is okay. She just went for a walk. I got this for us.” Lee kneels next to Liam. 

“Really?!” Liam smiles, rubbing his belly. 

“Yeah, remember what I told you about eating?” Lee takes Liam’s shirt off and tosses it with his. 

“Chew around jewelry and be careful not to choke.”

“That’s right.” He pats the little boy’s shoulder. “You start. I’ll be right back.” Lee stands.

To his surprise she was gone. Shaking his head he walks back over to Liam and takes his spot next to his son and begins eating. Across the field she is standing there with tears running down her blood stained cheeks as she watches her three year old son and his father eat the body of this woman. Everytime the wind blows, Lee’s head pops up, smelling her. He knows Y/N is close but doesn’t know where. He can’t think about that right now. He needs to fill the growing hunger that keeps at him. 

When they are done Liam and Lee walk through the woods to the stream. “Mommy!” Liam shouts when he sees her sitting on a rock, washing her hands. 

The toddler runs up to her, covered in blood. “Hey, baby!” She sniffles her need to cry. “Oh, look at you! Let’s get you cleaned.” 

“I can-”

“I got it.” She tells Lee, grabbing the towel she brought with herself.

With resolve she washed her child clean from the blood and rinsed his clothes clean. She didn’t show fear nor sadness. Not a single tear was shed. Lee watched her as he cleaned himself in the stream. She never even looked at him. 

Lee spent the day teaching Liam how to aim and shoot his new slingshot. Sure Y/N had the rule of not shooting animals, so cans and bottles had to do. By that afternoon Liam was worn out. After a dinner of ham sandwiches and chips, Liam fell asleep quickly. Of course Lee had to tuck him in.

When Lee got out of the tent he didn’t see Y/N by the fire like her expected. He walked to the truck and saw the bag sitting on the ground. Kneeling Lee opened it and saw it was fully packed. He turned, his eyes scanning the area. Panic rushed through him when he didn’t see her.

He stood running towards the woods. “Y/N!” He called the deeper he got into the brush. He found her sitting in the spot he killed the woman the night before. He'd long gotten rid of the body. All that was left was bloody leaves and damp blood soaked dirt and sticks. “Y/N?”

When she turned to him he could see the tears running down her cheeks. She stood and turned to him. “What are you doing out here?”

“I was-” He gestured back and turned to her again. “I saw your bag.” He walked closer. He studied her face for a minute before his shoulders fell. “You’re skipping out. Aren’t you?”

She shook her head crying harder. “ I was going to.” She wiped at her face. “But I can’t. I can’t leave him.” Lee wanted nothing more than to hold her and comfort her but knew he couldn’t get any closer. That familiar burning was at the back of his throat. “I’m scared Lee, I don’t know if I can do this.”

He walked closer. “That’s why I never wanted you to see this part of it.” He tells her. “It’s too much for people who don’t have to do it.”

“You killed that poor girl last night, Lee.”

“He wasn;t as innocent as she looked.” He spat. “Knowing I was in a relationship only made her want to fuck me more. She was a slut.”

“It didn’t matter!”

“You can’t look at it like that!” Lee tells her. “You can’t look at them as people! She was a whore who went after taken men. Or wife beaters and abusive assholes! They aren't people. They are a waste of space! The world is better off without!”

“How can you look at it that way?”

“Because I have to in order to survive.” He growled. His body was boiling hot as his heart hammered in his chest. 

“Lee,” SHe noticed his eyes were dark and unfocused. He was sweaty and could barely stand. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” He leaned back against a tree. He shut his eyes, taking a breath but all he did was fill himself with her scent. When he reopened  his eyes she was closer. “Fuck.” He murmured to himself.

He leaned forward, bracing his hands on his knees. She ran to him, kneeling in front of him, placing her hands on his face. “Lee? Lee, look at me.”

“Don’t,” He mumbled, trying to move away from her. 

“Lee, what’s happening?” Lee hits his knees as she holds his face in her hands. “COme on.” She tries to help him up.

The feeling was sharp. Like lightning through her skin. Le’s teeth pierced through her flesh as easily as a knife slicing through butter. She screamed, his hand coming down over her mouth. He unclenched his jaw just to move his mouth to a new spot and bite down again. The feeling of his teeth breaking through her soft skin the, taste of her blood on his tongue made the feeling in him subside instantly. The burning in the back of his throat was finally quenched. 

When his teeth sank in for the third time the ringing in his ears finally calmed and that was when he heard the muffled screaming from beneath him. 

Lee released her, her body falling to the ground. She scurried away holding pressure against her shoulder, crying from the pain. 

“Oh God!” Lee stood, standing over her with terror in his eyes. “No, no, no-” He moved towards her and she backed away frantically. 

Lee froze, looking down at her. She was terrified of him. The one thing he never wanted to do, he did. She was shaking, covered in blood on the ground in the woods, crying hysterically. Lee did the only thing he could think to do.

He ran.

[lucy90712]

Marc Marquez- I’ll take care of you

Its coming towards that time of the month again and I know that because this morning I woke up feeling more tired than usual which could be down to the long hours I've been doing at work but when I went to make breakfast and dropped the spoon and almost cried it was clear to me that this was the start of my pms. I get quite bad pms the week before my period which sometimes can be worse than the period itself as I'm just not myself for the whole week which isn't fun for me but its worse for anyone who has to be around me especially my boyfriend Marc.

Marc has always been really great when I'm on my period and even the week before unlike any of my pervious boyfriends who used to avoid me like the plague or make things worse by saying how stupid the way I acted was. Marc has never been like that in fact when we first started seriously dating he showed up at my apartment one day to give me my favourite chocolates after the day before I'd told him I was having a hard day. He has always been so caring and is always asking if there is anything he can do to help me out even if it is a small thing he is more than willing to do it. Just a few weeks ago we moved in together and so this will be the first time that Marc will get to see the full extent of what I'm like instead of just getting a glimpse for a day or few hours at a time. It has me a little worried that once Marc realised how emotional I can be he will regret us moving in together and we will break up with me but deep down I know that's not going to happen.

After almost having a breakdown over breakfast I wasn't looking forward to the rest of the day but when I went to get dressed and saw Marc sat in bed giving me his usual bright smile I couldn't help but feel a little better. Once I was ready I still had some time before I needed to leave so when Marc patted the empty bed beside him I didn't think twice about climbing in next to him. He put an arm around my waist straight away and I rested my head on his chest which is my favourite way to cuddle with Marc as I find it relaxing to listen to his heartbeat. We didn't speak to each other for a few minutes instead we just laid there in each other's arms while Marc pressed the odd kiss to the top of my head but that silence was ended when Marc spoke.

"Are you ok love I heard you having a bit of a nightmare in the kitchen" he said

"I'm fine just one of those mornings" I replied not telling the full truth

"Oh I'm sorry love but I can tell that you aren't telling me everything whatever it is you can tell me" he said softly while pulling me closer

"You know me too well it's nothing bad just pms so I'm not going to be my normal self this week" I admitted

"You should have told me earlier I would have got up earlier and made breakfast for you" he said

I tried to tell him that I am fine but before I could he got out of bed and went to his wardrobe and started to find something to wear. I just watched him so confused as to what was going on I didn't say a word I simply observed while he found some clothes and then went off to the bathroom. While he was in the bathroom I grabbed my phone off the bedside table and looked at it until I heard the door open and Marc came back out. I don't know what I thought was going to happen but it wasn't him grabbing my hand and leading me down the stairs and to the front door but that's exactly what he did. Once we made it there I was still confused to just stood still while he put this shoes on before he finally explained that he was going to drive me to work. Again I tried to tell him that it wasn't necessary for him to do that but he insisted and so I gave in quickly.

On quite a few occasions I have told Marc how much I hate the drive to my work as it involves going along some of the busiest roads around here which always stress me out as there is almost always an accident which causes loads of traffic. I have also told him that I hate the drive even more during my pms week as for some reason it always feels more stressful which he must have listened to and that's why he's being so kind as to drive me instead. When in the car Marc put on the playlist we made together which is full of songs we both love and then he put the hand he didn't have on the steering wheel on my thigh. We made it onto the roads and right away Marc saw what I have to deal with as we got onto the first main road and instantly had to slow down as there was traffic.

Eventually we made it to my work and poor Marc looked just as stressed as I normally am when I arrive. We had a bit of a laugh before I went in as he always used to ask me why I left so early for work but now he understands exactly why and he still has to drive back which I feel bad about but he promised me that it was fine. We said goodbye to each other and I went into the office feeling much happier than I did this morning I even had a bit of a spring in my step which I don't think I've had since my first week here.

~~~~~~~~~~

About 15 minutes before I could leave work I got a text from Marc with a picture of him sat in the car park waiting for me to finish which really made the last part drag but as soon as I was allowed to leave I gathered my things and practically ran out of the building. When I got in the car Marc leant over the centre console and kissed my cheek right away before handing me a bouquet of my favourite flowers which he clearly got on the way here. In the car we were talking about what we had been doing all day but the longer we were in the car the more uncomfortable I was getting as I had cramps in my back and stomach which had slowly been getting worse throughout the day and now were really bad. Marc clearly knew something was wrong as I was fidgeting a lot trying to find a more comfortable way to sit but there was nothing he could do so he just put a hand on my knee and rubbed circles with his thumb to try and distract me. When we came to a stand a still Marc tried to look for pain killers but he didn't have any in his car like I do in mine so I just had to live with the pain.

When we finally made it home I climbed out of the car and went straight to the sofa to lay down while Marc went to the kitchen and came back with some pain killers and a heating pad to help while those kicked in. He sat with me for a minute before going back to the kitchen to make dinner which usually we would do together but I really didn't want to get up. Being the amazing person that he is Marc made dinner and brought it to me so we could eat on the sofa together before he then went and did all the washing up without a single complaint which I know all of my previous boyfriends wouldn't have done. When Marc came back he picked me up and carried me to our bedroom where he turned the tv on and put on a movie for us to watch.

He paused the movie before it started and the both of us changed into comfy clothes which for me was one of Marc's hoodies that has pretty much become mine with some shorts underneath. Since I was up I took the chance to completely get ready for bed by taking my makeup off and putting my hair up in the usual bun I sleep in as I wasn't going to go anywhere and see anyone other than Marc and he's used to the way I look without makeup. When I was ready I crawled back into bed next to Marc who was waiting for me and found a comfortable position to lay in which he then used to adjust the way he was laying so that we were cuddled together. He pressed a gentle kiss to my lips as he found the remote for the tv and we settled in for the night.

~~~~~~~~~~

The last few days have been hell there is no other way to put it. I think all the stress of moving has made my period and therefore pms much worse as usually after a few days I will feel a little better but this time I still feel the same. Each day my cramps have been just as strong and my mood swings have been just as crazy as the first day. Marc has been trying his best to help but there isn't really anything he can do other than just put up with me which he has been doing. He has driven me to and from work everyday this week even though I told him he didn't have to but he insisted and he has cooked dinner every night as well which has made me feel really bad as he is still very busy each day and doesn't need the extra things to do. Now that it is finally the weekend I can spend the day time laying down and resting and then hopefully feel better in the evenings so I can make it up to Marc and cook him some of his favourite dishes.

Like usual I woke up to Marc's alarm which goes off at 8 to tell him to get ready to go training as much as I wanted to just lay there and go straight back to sleep I just couldn't so I gave in and opened my eyes to see Marc finally turning the alarm off and then laying back down. As I know Marc well I know that without an alarm he won't get up so I turned over to face him so that I could see what he was doing but as soon as I did he pulled me into his arms and got me to lay on his chest. I got distracted by how much I was enjoying cuddling with him for a few minutes but eventually I remembered that I was going to ask why he hadn't got up.

"What are you still doing in bed don't you have training?" I asked

"I do but I want to stay here with you this weekend" he said

"As much as I appreciate that I don't want you to miss training for me I'll be perfectly fine here" I attempted to reason with him

"I know but I want to be here plus I've been training hard all week missing a few days won't hurt" he said

"Well I guess I can't argue with that" I said giving in

As I'd given in we went back to cuddling together which we don't get to do that much as during the week I have to work and at the weekend Marc is either at races or training so our time together is often limited. Neither of us went back to sleep we just laid there in silence enjoying each other's company which some might think gets awkward or boring but it was actually really nice to just lay there and not feel like we needed to be talking to appreciate each other's company. After a while of being completely still I mindlessly began dragging my fingers up and down Marc's chest in random little patterns which I only realised I was doing when he started doing the same to me on my back. We still didn't say anything just smiled and continued to copy each other until we both laughed at how ridiculous the drawing got.

After a little while longer we got out of bed and both showered and changed into new comfy clothes and went downstairs to make breakfast together. Of a weekend I don't usually do anything special for breakfast as Marc isn't around and I just don't feel like it but today as we were both here we decided to make pancakes. We worked together to make the batter and then I cooked the pancakes while Marc cut the fruit we had left in the house to have with them. It's in moments like these that I forget that Marc is arguably the most famous rider on the grid as at home he is the most normal person and we have such a normal life which I really like as I wanted to have the most normal life possible when Marc and I began dating. He continued to show me how normal he is when he took the last of the batter and attempted to make a shaped pancake which of course just turned into a blob but it was funny to watch him try.

We ate breakfast together and then stayed on the sofa for a while watching tv before I stayed to feel the cramps coming back so Marc suggested we go for a walk which I agreed to. Going on walks together is something we really like to do in fact we used to go on walking dates when we first began dating as it was easy for us to be together without anyone seeing us together and it was really peaceful. It's something we haven't done together in a while definitely not since we have moved into this new house together so it will be the first time we are exploring the area. Once we left the house Marc grabbed hold of my hand and together we just went wherever we felt like going which probably wasn't the best idea as we don't know the whole area too well but it's what we did.

My cramps were still making me uncomfortable as we walked but I was enjoying exploring the nearby neighbourhoods so much that I just dealt with the pain and kept walking. Sometimes walking helps the cramps but apparently not today its not doing anything which is rather annoying as I just want to enjoy my time with Marc out in the fresh air. We walked around for quite a while and found some really nice quiet places with great views and even a small high street which had a few shops one of which was a bakery so we had to stop and get some cupcakes to bring back with us. By the time we were on the way back I was really struggling with the pain so when we finally made it back I went straight to the kitchen to get a hot water bottle to try and ease the pain.

I laid on the sofa on my own for a while kind of forgetting about Marc as I was more focused on the pain but I was soon brought back to reality when suddenly his face appeared in front of mine as he knelt down in front of the sofa. He moved some hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear before offering me a hand to help me up which I accepted even though I didn't know why I was getting up. Marc then led me upstairs and to the bathroom where he had run a bath for me and put a load of candles around it and set up the speaker we have which was playing some relaxing music. Seeing everything he had done for me made tears start falling down my face as my hormones are crazy and I just really appreciated everything he has been doing for me this week.

"Hey don't cry" he said pulling me into his chest

"I'm fine I promise I just really appreciate everything you've done for me the last few days and the hormones have got the best of me I'm sorry" I laughed through tears

"Aww love there's no need to be sorry I understand this is why I'm doing all of this as you've had a tough few weeks and you deserve to have someone take care of you" he said

"Thank you Marc I really do appreciate how much you care for me" I said

"Its all part of being a good boyfriend" he stated

With that the both of us got ready to get into the bath was I wanted Marc to join me so he got in first and helped me in. We sat with my back against his chest while Marc gently washed my hair with the shower head which was weirdly relaxing to the point that I probably could have fallen asleep but I just about managed to keep my eyes open. To make it fair I also washed Marc's hair and while I did my brain came up with the genius idea to spray Marc in the face with the shower so I did exactly that. In hindsight it wasn't a very good decision as he soon got be back by taking the shower off of me and spraying me with it even round my hands which I put on my face. When we stopped our little fight we went back to relaxing for a bit longer before getting out and then getting into bed.

For the rest of the day we just laid in bed only getting out to go to the bathroom or to get food, we even ordered takeaway so that we didn't have to cook which we don't do very often at all. We watched movie after movie until it got to the early hours of the morning and we decided it would be best to actually get some sleep. By that time I was feeling a lot better and had completely forgotten about the awful week I've had and thats all thanks to Marc being the best boyfriend ever.

[lacontroller1991]

Memoirs of a Colonel (Rick Flag x F!Reader)

Main Master List      DC Master List

Requested by @neon-supernova: I wanted to ask for a Rick wakes up but has no memory. so he's joined another army. (He still has that muscle memory!) and then comes face to face with the task force and his reader girl, who thought he was dead! And seeing her was like a memory trigger?

Warnings: Amnesia, loss of identity, language, violence, guns

Word Count: 2.4k

----------

The turbulence from the plane stirs you away, that and Harley’s light humming wakes you from a dreamless sleep as you rub the tiredness out of your eyes. When Waller had told you it was going to be a long flight, you had seriously undermined just how long of a flight it was. Looking down at your watch, you figure you have about another 45 minutes before you make contact with your informant so there is no point in trying to go back to sleep. Instead, you look over the team that Waller had selected, that Rick had left, and try to play the mission out in your head.

It’s been 5 months since you’ve last seen the colonel. It’s been 5 months since he left without a trace. It’s been 4 months since your reconnaissance mission proved to be useless and it’s been 3 months since you’ve given up.

Sitting beside you, Harley frowns, her normal cheery makeup now painted with grays and blacks as she represents your internal feelings, after all, Flag was her friend too, and seeing you so heartbroken over him breaks her heart too. If anything, she was the one who told you not to give up, but Waller’s words are more powerful than the Queen of Crime’s. “Ya good puddin’?”

You look over to your friend and offer a small smile. “I’m ready for this to be over.”

“It hasn’t even started yet.” DuBois comments from across the cargo hold, having taken your place as second in command while you took Rick’s place.

“And? I’m ready for it to be over,” you snap back, offering him a timid smile as a form of apology but he honestly doesn’t care. Even though you and Rick never had a label, everyone who knew the two of you knew that you and Flag were inseparable, on and off the field. “Look, let’s just finish this mission so we can take another 14 hour flight home.” Everybody nods in agreement as you load your weapons. “I have a weird feeling about this one.”

Rick wakes with another headache. He doesn’t know why, but for the past several months, these headaches will randomly come and go. Shaking his head, he walks out of his hut and into the open forest, various soldiers running around, grabbing their weapons and loading them. “What’s going on?”

“We’re meeting up with some specialists. They’re going to help us defeat Toto,” the soldier scurries away as Rick nods his head, reaching into his hut and grabbing his rifle. When he woke up 5 months ago, he didn’t have any memories of who he was or where he was, so when the band of resistance fighters found him on the shore and took him in, he instantly joined, falling into eerily familiar patterns.

“Marsel.” Rick’s head snaps towards the familiar voice of the resistance leader. “We need you to come with us.”

----------

“What the fuck is taking them so long?” Peacemaker questions from beside you, foot tapping impatiently into the ground as you roll your eyes while Harley bounces around in a dress, twirling to an inaudible song as DuBois scopes out the land.

“I don’t know, maybe they got the wrong coordinates,” you reply before hearing a twig snap, gaining the attention of the task force as various people emerge, including none other than Rick Flag.

“No fucking way.” Harley comments as you freeze in your spot, thoughts running a thousand miles a minute with questions.

“Holy shit.”

“You must be Colonel (Y/L/N). Ms. Waller said we should be expecting you. I didn’t expect you to be a female though.”

“That’s misogynistic.” DuBois comments, walking over to you and placing a hand on your back, stirring you from your thoughts.

“Rick? Rick, is that you?” Before the 6’2 soldier can respond, you’re launching yourself into him, your arms wrapping around his neck as your legs wrap around his waist, squeezing the life out of him as he takes a step back in confusion.

“Who are you?”

“What? What do you mean who am I? It’s (Y/N).” You hop down from his frame, looking him over as the resistance soldiers look at you oddly while the Squad watches in shock, Harley’s normally pale face even paler.

“I don’t know you?” It comes out more as a question as his hazel eyes scan you over, confusion swimming behind his irises as your heart breaks. How could he not recognize you?

“I think you must have confused him for somebody else. This is one of our best soldiers, Marsel. He washed up on shore about 5 months ago and has been with us ever since,” the leader comments as you lick your lips before shoving your hand into your shirt and pulling out a photo of you and Rick at a bowling alley, him going in with a wide mouth to bite you from behind as you smile for the camera.

“That’s Rick Flag. Marsel is Rick Flag. He went missing for months on end, I tried to look… we tried to look for him but never found him. Here, look at some more photos.” You pull more photos out of your training bra and hand them over to the leader as Rick peers over his shoulder. Even though the guy in the photos looks like him, he doesn’t feel any sense of memory for them.

“You seem really close,” the leader comments as you nod your head, taking the photos back and placing them back in your bra near your heart.

“We are, bu-”

“Commander, we need to get going. Toto is on the move.” The commander nods as Rick takes a step back to look behind you, trying to figure out who the people are, but with no avail as you release a shaky sigh, trying to collect pieces of your heart.

“Ok, here’s the plan.”

----------

“Harley, get down!” You yell out, ducking underneath the cover of some debris and taking the time to reload your gun while the former psychiatrist giggles as she mows down assailant after assailant as DuBoi shoots from above and Peacemaker shoots from the side as a body comes crashing down next to you, arm raised above his head as he blocks the debris from buildings.

“Does she always do that?” Rick asks you, out of breath, reloading his gun as you gulp beside him, nodding your head.

“Yeah, you always yelled at her for it!” You shout over the gunfire as Rick’s eyes look down, picking up a piece of paper and examining it although ash and dirt cover the picture. Wiping away the grime, his eyes land on a picture of you in the arms of a man that looks exactly like him, your face wearing a bright smile as his face pressed against yours, kissing your cheek in a loving way. A flash of recognition crosses through Rick’s mind. Even though it seems familiar to him, he can’t help but to feel disassociated with whatever sentimental value the photograph holds.

“Can I have that back?” The question disrupts Rick’s thoughts as he looks over to you, holding your hand out for the photo with a somber expression. Ever since you found out he was still alive, the guilt has been eating at you. How could you give up on him? How could you accept his death? Rick hands the photograph over before you shove it back into your sports bra, not giving him another look before you’re hopping over the makeshift barricade with guns blazing while Rick stays behind, something tugging at the back of his head. Why does the picture seem so familiar?

“Marsel! We need you!” The voice of his commander snaps him out of his thoughts as he quickly leaves the barricade, only for something, or someone, to blind side him, knocking him unconscious.

----------

The bed is soft and warm when Rick wakes up, blankets resting just beneath his chin as his eyes flutter open, instantly finding your frame standing in the doorway, a brush combing through your freshly curled hair.

“Morning, sleepy head, I was worried that you’d never wake up,” you comment, setting the brush on the nightstand before taking a seat by his side. “We have that farmers market.”

Rick smiles, reaching up an arm as fingers thread through flawless curls, meeting no resistance as he looks up at your face with love.

“Yeah, yeah I’m getting up.” “Good, we leave in 20.”

—-

Children run between you and Rick as they chase each other in the crisp autumn morning air as a pleasant hum of conversations surround the two of you as you walk hand in hand, thankful for the day off. Because of the two of you working for the task force, days where the both of you have off is far and few, so it’s no surprise that you take advantage of every moment you have with your beloved.

Pulling you to the side, Rick grabs two steaming cups of hot cider before handing one to you with a smile. After June, he never thought he would find someone again. He thought work would consume him for the rest of his life, but when you showed up out of the blue, fresh in from Cali, his breath was taken away and it didn’t take long before the two of you started dating; and now, the thought of seeing you so domesticated outside of work has the ring burning holes in Rick’s pocket.

“Darlin’?”

“Hmm?” You look up through lashes, the cup of cider warming your hands as he sets his cup to the side before pulling out a box from his coat pocket, causing your heart to race. “Rick?”

“(Y/N), when you first stepped out of that carrier with Waller by your side, I felt threatened. I had only ever heard about you in passing and about how experienced you were and how you let nothing get in the way between you and your job, and well, I felt threatened by it, but I also respected it. As time moved on and the more we went on missions together, I started to see you not only as my partner on the field but also as a partner in real life and I could not have been more blindsided by the prospects. When I first asked you out, I thought you would say no, and I was terrified of putting myself on the line again and when you said yes, well, I was the happiest man on Earth. Now I’m asking you to make me the happiest man on the Earth again and marry me?” Wake up, Rick.

Your cheeks bloom with blush, feeling the anticipating stare of everyone around you as you look down at the love of your life, a ring shining in the morning light as he tugs his bottom lip between his teeth. “Do you mean it?”

Wake up! For a second, Rick whips his head around, trying to locate the faint voice tugging at the back of his head before paying attention back to you, a smile on his face.

“I mean every word, darlin’. Will you marry me?”

“Yes! A thousand times yes!” You throw yourself into his arms and cry into his shoulder as the people around you clap and whistle while Rick presses kisses to your head, whispering sweet nothings in your ear as the voice grows louder before consuming him entirely.

----------

Rick wakes up with a gasp, sucking in as much air as possible as you help him sit up, rubbing his back as the squad and resistance members look on in curiosity. Catching his breath, Rick looks around in confusion. What the hell happened? Was that just a dream or a memory? If it was a dream, why did it feel so real? If it was a memory, why does he not recognize it? “Rick, are you okay?” Your voice is soft and concerned, eyes holding relief at seeing his conscious body as Rick nods his head, the commander taking his other side.

“You had a pretty nasty hit in the head, Marsel. We’re surprised you’re awake.”

“My name isn’t Marsel.” Rick’s voice is quiet, almost as if he isn’t sure, but then again, how could he ever really be sure.

“Sure it is, soldier. We found you. We made you.”

“Nobody made him except for himself” You counteract, hand still holding firm to his back. “He’s more experienced than all of you.” Rick watches as his commander waves off your statement and stands to his full height, extending his arm for Rick to take as a black carrier lands on the ground.

“Come Marsel, our job here is done. We must regroup with the others.” Rick thinks for a moment before looking over to where DuBois herds the squad members on the cargo plane, a strange sense of familiarity taking over before looking at you, various emotions flowing through his mind, but at the top of those emotions one shines through. Love. Standing up by himself, Rick extends his hand for you to take and pulls you up with ease before looking over to his commander.

“I think I’ll go back with them. I feel like I have a life with them.” The commander shakes his head in anger, causing you to stiffen your stance at Rick’s side, hand hovering over your gun.

“Fine then. When you find that they are imposters and aren’t really who they say they are, you will not be allowed back, ever.” Rick looks down at you with a smile before turning back to his commander.

“I don’t think that would be an issue.” Rick turns around on his heel, hand resting on your back as he guides you along. Despite not having complete recall with his memories, he knows he is exactly who he needs to be with and that’s the most important thing of all.

=========

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[kskbli]

(￣ ;￣)

5.05.2024 (1)

i started school last monday and had my masters exam in german last thursday

i was hoping for my stress to go away the moment i gave my teacher my german exam but i couldn’t stop shaking

i haven’t been feeling well since thursday . . . i don’t know what this feeling inside of me is T_T it reminds me of summer 2021 and i can’t even put it into words

maybe i can though, and i just don’t want to

i really need a therapist, but i’m only free on weekends since im at school from 7 till 5pm .. . as far as i know no therapists are open on weekends, the ones i looked up aren’t

so it looks like i’ll start therapy after im done with school, in 2 months . . . but that’s too late for me TT my medication alone isn’t helping me at all

my mom and my siblings and dad visited me last week and helped me clean my whole apartment so i could focus on school but it doesn’t feel clean anymore

maybe it’s because the dishes are dirty again and just sitting in the kitchensink, or because my laundry is in the living room (where it doesn’t belong), or because i haven’t vacuumed in days, or because the blanket ive hung up to dry outside is still outside after 4 days, or because my bed isn’t made or simply because i myself am not clean . . .

i haven’t showered in 3 days and i reek of sweat (￣ﾊ￣*) i miss putting on loads of perfume and people telling me i smell like flowers fufufu… i don’t have the money for perfume these days . . .

i always wanted to do so much but didn’t have the motivation for it, now i don’t want to do anything at all

i woke up a couple of hours ago and the only thing i managed to do was go to the toilet, take my medication and give my cat her food

i honestly don’t know what to do anymore

12:47

[ghostiewriter]

omg im so glad u feel like writing blurbs

pls i need some enemies to lovers bits!!!

“You.” 

“Me.”

Kiara narrowed her eyes at the blond, her patience already wearing thin and her head was about to explode, and the last fucking thing she needed to be dealing with right now was JJ Maybank. 

“Is there a reason you’re annoying me before midday?” Kiara said bluntly, hands on her hips and shoulders tense as she tried not to think of the mess her shop was currently in—and the fact she was half an hour from opening. 

“Tony fucked up again,” the blonde said casually like he didn’t notice she was about to burst her top. “I think this delivery of—“ he paused as he looked down at the box, eyes squinting slightly. “Authentic Colombian coffee grounds are meant for you.”

Kiara hardly let him finish his sentence before she was snatching the box from him. “Thanks. Goodbye.” 

“Woah, woah, woah,” and before the door shut, a hand caught it. “That’s it?” 

Her eyes narrowed. “What are you expecting? A muffin basket?” 

JJ grinned. “Are they blueberry muffins?”

“Fuck off, Maybank,” she grumbled under her breath and she could’ve sworn his eyes lit up. 

“There she is!” JJ sighed dramatically as he let himself into her shop, uncaring of the way she glared at him. “You were starting to concern me there for a sec, Carrera. Thought something was actually wrong but if you’re biting my head off, then all is right in the world.” 

Kiara had always had ambitions of opening her own little place, ever since she was a young girl. Whilst she adored cooking with her dad, she tended to lean more towards baking. And fuelled with the caffeine addiction she gave herself over high school and college, her passions extended to coffee too. 

With a fuck load of saving over the years and determination, she managed to open up her own cafe a little over six months ago. 

What she wasn’t expecting was her dream to come with a really annoying neighbour. 

JJ Maybank was a talkative, ADHD-ridden blond who owned the surf shop next door, and he had been the bane of her existence since she moved in. 

“I don’t have time for this,” she gritted through clenched teeth as she made her way behind the counter to the storage room. “Get out before I call the police.” 

JJ snorted. “Not the first time you used that threat on me, sweetheart.” 

“And I called them, didn’t I?” 

“Fair,” JJ said with a shrug as he wandered in between the tables that still had chairs half-hazardously placed on top. “But the threat doesn’t hit the same when you felt bad when they arrived and assured them it was a misunderstanding.”

“Won’t make the same mistake twice,” Kiara chirped as she settled the coffee grounds away with the rest of the supplies and grabbed the cleaning products she had shoved to the side fifteen minutes ago when she was having a breakdown over the cookie batch she was making. 

“So, what’s got you all tense?” JJ continued to prod like they were life-long friends catching up. “You seem snappier than usual.”

“Don’t you have your own shop to run?” she snapped at him. 

“Nah, perks of being your own boss,” he shrugged with a grin. “You should try it some time.” 

She shot him a look. “Pass.” 

“So, what is it?” he kept pushing. “Woke up the wrong side of the bed? Dodgy horoscope? Bad mojo?” 

Kiara paused, eyes narrowing on the boy who was now picking up random things from the tables. “All my staff are off sick or on holiday so I’m opening up alone today. And you’re not helping the stress at all.” 

JJ paused, looking at her with a frown. “Oh. That sucks.” 

“Yeah, it does,” she stated bluntly. “So, leave.”

“Or I could help,” he offered. 

Her eyes narrowed further in suspicion. “Why would you want to help?” 

“Because it’s the decent thing to do?” 

“Like you’re a decent person.” 

JJ sighed and walked towards her, taking the mop from her hand. “Listen, you have twenty minutes before people start walking through that door,” he said as he leaned down to grab the bucket too. “So you can either keep fighting me on it or accept the help.” 

Kiara gave him a look. “What do you want in return?” 

“This may come as a shock to you but not everything I do requires something in return,” he said with a huff of amusement. “It’s called a good deed, Carrera, but it wouldn’t surprise me that you wouldn’t know what that is.” 

Kiara sighed as she glanced towards the clock, seeing the minutes quickly ticking down to opening time. She really wasn’t in the position to argue right now and she didn’t have time to worry about his true intentions. For now, she had to accept JJ Maybank’s help. 

“If you break anything, I break you,” she warned him. 

JJ grinned widely. “Talk dirty to me, Carrera.”

[sapphicsourcee]

I love you

Andy and Vic have been together for about a month now. Nobody knows yet. They’ve been learning each other and exploring their relationship and they wanted to do it privately. Andy is very attentive when it comes to Vic, she quickly caught on to the fact that hand-holding brought her girlfriend the most peace. Vic almost always falls asleep holding Andy’s hand, she holds Andy’s hand like it’s a stuffed animal. Andy teases her about it sometimes, but she loves it, the fact that she brings her girlfriend so much comfort from something so simple.

Their secret relationship came to an end soon after they hit the one month mark of their relationship but neither of them could really care at the moment.

They were at a house, responding to a call about a gas leak, when the house went up in flames, the family had already evacuated the house and were safe. Vic was on the aid car today so she didn’t have on her turnouts. Debris went flying everywhere and a piece of glass ended up in her side. “Andy” Vic called out, although it was kind of low Andy heard her and rushed to her side, Travis following right behind her. “Andy” Vic whimpered in pain, “I know mami, I’m here” Andy said trying to stay calm and comfort her.

Travis radioed Maya to let her know what was going on as Andy and Ben helped Vic onto a stretcher and loaded her into the aid car, Andy held her hand the whole time. Maya let Travis know that she would call in subs for him and Andy to fill in the rest of shift and to keep her updated until her and the rest of the team could be there after shift.

Vic lost a lot of blood on the way there, almost too much, she passed out just before they got to Grey Sloan, she was immediately taken back for surgery to remove the slightly large piece of glass. Andy could barely sit still the whole hour or so that Vic was in surgery, her legs were constantly bouncing up and down. There were so many thoughts running through her head, the main one being that any little thing could go wrong and the love of her life could be gone forever, she hasn’t even told her she loves her yet, she knew she was in love the first time they kissed, but she didn’t wanna say anything too soon, the last time she moved into something quickly it turned out bad and she didn’t want that for her and Vic.

Two nights ago she was celebrating a month full of love and happiness with Vic and now she’s sitting in a waiting room lost in a swarm of terrifying thoughts. Andy didn’t even notice she had started crying until she felt Travis wrap his arm around her shoulders and pull her into a hug.

Dr.Bailey came to let Andy and Travis know they could see her. “Vic is out of surgery. The glass cut deep and she lost a lot of blood. We do want to keep her overnight for observation but other than that she is okay, she will need to take it easy for a few weeks and attend a few follow ups, but will be fine. ”

“Oh thank god” Travis sighed out in relief.

“So when can we see her?” Andy questioned.

“You can go in and see her now. She’s barely awake, but she’s asking for you Andy. Room 110” Dr. Bailey said.

As soon as Dr. Bailey finished speaking Andy and Travis rushed to Vic’s room. Travis gently hugged Vic first, “I’m so glad you’re okay” Travis said, “me too” Vic said laughing lightly, she sounded tired and she was still just barely awake, she winced a bit from the pain she was still feeling, but she was still smiling. Andy had froze at the door for a second, just staring at Vic, she snapped out of it when she heard her soft, low laugh.

Vic looked past Travis when she heard footsteps, she made eye contact with Andy who had tears rolling down her face, Vic immediately teared up, she was so happy to see her, the first thing she thought about when she woke up was the fact that she too hadn’t gotten a chance to say ‘I love you’. Andy walked slowly towards Vic, she stopped next to her and took a deep breath. “I’m okay baby, I’m okay” Vic said, grabbing Andy’s shaking hand as she fought back tears of her own.

Maya, Ben, Jack, got to the hospital and were met by Carina, Maya had texted her on the way there, who started to lead them to Vic’s room. “How is she?” Maya asked as they walked towards Vic’s room, “She’s okay bambina, I spoke to Dr. Bailey when she got out of surgery” Carina said. When they got to Vic’s room Travis turned around and quietly signaled for them all to be quiet, they all paused noticing the scene in front of them, watching in silent shock.

Andy interlaced their fingers and carefully leaned down to passionately kiss Vic’s lips, Vic closed her eyes, finally letting a few tears drop as she returned Andy’s kiss with just as much passion. After lingering for a few seconds Andy pulled back just enough to whisper on Vic’s lips, “I love you”, Vic opened her eyes and smiled, “I love you too” she said against Andy’s lips, reconnecting their lips once again, but this time it was soft, so very soft, and full of love, when they separated Andy carefully hugged Vic nuzzling her face into her neck.

They were brought out of their little bubble when Travis slipped up and let out a small “awww”, they turned to see Travis and Maya in tears and everyone else watching slightly shocked with smiles on their faces. They both laughed, then everyone gave hugs, and said their good nights to give the couple some privacy, everybody had their questions but they could tell this was a big moment for them. Maya and Carina were the last ones to leave. “We’re coming over for movie night on Wednesday and you’re telling me everything” Maya said before leaving.

When everyone left and they were alone Vic took Andy’s hand like she always does and fell asleep, Andy had pulled up a chair beside her bed. Andy just happily admired her sleeping for a while, she knew tomorrow when the medicine wore off Vic was going to be in a lot of pain so she took this time to finally calm her nerves, sleep, and mentally prepare herself to be there for her girlfriend.

[4town4lyfe]

Feelings in the Cabin - Chapter 2: Shopping and Odd Feelings

copied clarifying stuff from ch 1 lol but im changing ages

so some clarifying things, this story is in imanis pov

my age 4 the band

jesse - 26

aaron z - 23

aaron t - 22

robaire - 21

imani - 21

tae young - 18

Aaron Z is referred to as 'Z'

Aaron T is referred to as 'Aaron'

'Byeol' (별) means 'star' in Korean

SEVENTEEN is a kpop group pls dont judge i rlly like them i have been following since 2016 lol

also, mis amigos, pls leave comments and things to add down below por favor

OKOKOKOK BYEEEEE

“Imani.” A low, hushed voice calls.

“Imani!” It calls again, seeming closer, as if the person is leaning right over me. 

I’m awoken by someone picking me up, I begrudgingly open my eyes to see Aaron holding me close, carrying me bridal style with a happy expression, his eyes glancing between me and the cabin door. 

I guess we’re here. My eyes dart around, taking in my surroundings. The fresh white snow covering the ground, the treetops, the roof of the cabin.

 One by one, we pile in, first is me and Aaron, with Z right behind us, on his phone, then Robaire, who is carrying everyone’s snacks. 

Jesse and Tae walk in, with Jesse holding a load of bags, he seemingly took up the job of getting the luggage in, although he didn’t have to, we could’ve gotten our own things. 

Tae has his headphones on, seeming in his own world, fiddling with his stuffie, Byeol. As Jesse goes back out to get the rest of our things, and Z follows him, Aaron places me down on the couch in the living room, where Tae sits next to me as I sit up, rubbing my eyes. 

“You didn’t have to carry me in.” I said to Aaron, although it was really nice. He scoffs in response, waving it off.

“Ah, but I wanted to. Plus, you were knocked out. You guys say I’m a heavy sleeper, but look at you!” He exclaims, throwing his arms up. Me and Tae share a look, “T! You literally slept through a tornado! The sirens were going off, the wind was blowing, and rain was pouring down! I-” 

Tae says, then gestures to himself, “I was scared out of my mind, you were just,” Tae then imitates Aaron’s snoring, making all three of us laugh, before Aaron speaks up.

“Yeah, I don’t remember.” He says, tapping his chin as if he was trying to think.

“Of course you don’t, you were knocked out the whole time! You only woke up when Z and Jesse carried you out of the living room and put you in the tub!” I add to the mix, stifling a laugh at the memory of him being placed in the tub filled with cold water. 

“Oh, that was funny!” A loud voice exclaims, making the three of us turn around, seeing Jesse walking over to us, ruffing up Aaron’s hair, earning a flick to the head before sitting next to Tae.

As Aaron, Tae, and Jesse converse, Z walks in and heads straight to his room. Robaire is still just standing there, seemingly in thought, so I get up and walk over to him, the other guys too deep in conversation to notice.

“What's up, Baire?” I ask, slinging my arm over his shoulder.

He shrugs me off, walking to the kitchen. “Nothin’, just glad we’re here.” He tells me, sounding relieved as he places the snacks down on the counter and opens the fridge, it’s empty, of course, you never leave food in a place you only come to once a year.

“I love the fans, but they can be a little much, y’know?” He confesses, taking a notepad from out of nowhere and beginning to write items down. I begin to think back to a few hours ago, those two girls in the gas station, those “fans”, I had forgotten about until now.

“Imani? Are you good?” Robaire snaps me out of it, his face showing slight concern.

“Uh, yeah. I’m fine.” I reply, giving a sheepish grin and a thumbs up to show that I’m okay.

“Okay… did you wanna go with me?” He asks after a few seconds, and I tilt my head in confusion. 

“Go where?” I ask him, crossing my arms. He gives me a deadpan expression before answering. 

“The store? Did you not hear me? I swear, you need to stop blasting your music.” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. He finishes writing down his list, I glance down, it’s food and things like that.

“Can you go ask Z if he wants to come?” Robaire asks, pointing in the direction of the hallway, and I nod, “Sure.” I reply, before walking away and heading to the hallway. 

I glance down at my wrist, checking my watch, “Geesh, it’s only 6 o’clock and it’s dark out…” I mutter to myself, walking up to his shut door, where I can hear faint music pouring out, maybe Bruno Mars?

I rhythmically knock on his door, and the music quiets down. “Come in.” His rather monotonous voice calls out, and I open the door.

“Hola, soy Dora! Can you say ‘I will totally come to the store with Imani and Robaire’?”

I say in a high pitched tone, a feeble attempt at being funny, as he only stares at me with a bored expression as he turns his music back up, Silk Sonic, to tune me out. With a grumble, I walk over to his bed and sit beside him.

With a quick swipe, I grab his phone, and quickly type in New Kids On The Block’s ‘Step By Step’, letting it play through his speakers as he snatches his phone back, tossing it beside.

“What did you want?” He asks, tapping his foot to the beat before getting up and walking to his mirror, fiddling with his headband before taking it off and fixing his hair.

“You wanna come to the store with me and Baire? We’re getting like…actual food.” I ask. He stares at me from the mirror as I get up and pace while dancing at the same time.

“Okay.” He simply responds, going back to his bed when Robaire slips in, without knocking.

“Get ready to go.” He says before slipping back out, leaving the door open. Z gets up and puts his shoes on and grabs a jacket.

“Uh, dude. It’s freezing outside and you’re only wearing a jacket? Are you at least gonna change into pants?” I question, putting my hands on my hips.

He shakes his head no, and I huff, walking to the living room, putting on my boots, coat, and gloves.

“Where ya goin’, babe?” I hear Aaron ask, and I jolt when I turn around, as he’s right behind me, his hands hovering over my waist.

“Oh my…!” I shut my eyes for a second, calming down with an exhale. “Uh… Me, Z, and Robaire are going to the store. I think Baire’s already outside, so…”  

I say, as Z walks into the room, earbuds in, hood and sunglasses on as he walks right past us and out the door. Aaron’s gaze lingers on Z for a moment before turning back to me.

“Well, when you get back, we need to have a little chat.” He says, his tone oddly serious. I furrow my brows in confusion, though I don’t question him.

“Mkay… well… bye.” I say, backing up and walking out the door, gently shutting it before turning around to go to the van.

As Z is in the middle section, I go to sit in the front seat before Robaire stops me.

“I’m buying some drinks and I want them up here.” He says bluntly, gesturing to the seat behind the passenger seat, next to Z.

“You can sit there.” 

I give Robaire a blank stare before shutting the front door a bit harshly, opening the sliding van door and sitting down in the empty seat, as Z glances at me for a moment, I can see him out of the corner of my eye.

“Yeah, I’m totally gorgeous, I know.” I say in a joking manner as Robaire starts up the van and backs out of the driveway and toward the, I flutter my eyelashes in a comical way as Z turns his head to glance out the window, his flushed cheeks going unnoticed by me as I continue my antics.

After a minute or two, Robaire chimes in.

“Hey, no one is as beautiful as me!” He exclaims, making a silly duck face in the rearview mirror, making me chuckle and Z scoff in amusement. “Hey, let's settle this! Z,” Robaire calls out to him, making him glance up.

“Who has better looks, me or Mani?” Robaire finishes, making me grin at the use of my nickname, although my name is pretty short already. Z glances between me and Robaire, only for about a split second, before,

“Imani.” He answered bluntly, turning back to gaze out the window. Robaire feigns a mock betrayed expression, while I sputter in laughter. “See? I’m just that gorgeous.” I say with a sigh, crossing my arms and back in my seat as Robaire finally connects his phone to the van instead of listening to the radio, overrun with Christmas, Christmas, with a sprinkle of… Christmas.

As much as I love Christmas and its music, I’d rather listen to something else for now. Well, it doesn’t really matter, me and Robare do not have the same music taste, like, at all. 

I decided to put my headphones on, shuffling my main playlist. Of course, the first song that plays is our cover of ‘Mary, Did You Know?’, the Pentatonix style. “Whatever.”, I think to myself as I let it play, we did good, plus, I love this song. 

After a bit of driving, we pull up to a quaint little store, just outside of town, it’s so quiet, yet so peaceful. The three of us hop out of the van, toques, sunglasses, and hoods on, just in case. We walk in and are welcomed with a sweet bell, and a store clerk is right by the door, wearing a big grin.

“Hello there, how’s it goin’?” He asks, scanning out faces and we give him smiles. “Hm, never seen y’all around before, welcome!” He says, clapping his hands together and grabbing us a cart. 

“My name is John, I’m the owner, I won’t keep ya, just wanted to greet y’all, I do that with all the newcomers, y’know? I usually see locals, so it's good to see some fresh faces. Alrighty, my apologies, we’ve got a real nice selection, so go on ahead and shop!” He says, he’s a talker, for sure, but he seems like a sweet old guy.

Robaire stays behind, talking more with the owner as he hands me the list of things to buy, how kind. Me and Z decide to split up the list between the two of us, so we got through it fairly quickly, until we didn’t.

Robaire decided to not specify some items, like what type of coffee, knowing his taste though, I decided to find the more ‘exquisite’ things, as he would say. Good thing Z was in the next aisle, as I needed to grab something off the top shelf.

“Yo, Z.” I wave him over, grabbing his arm and pulling him over to my aisle, where I’m stuck in a hot chocolate predicament. The last thing on the list, I want the brand on the top shelf.

I point up to it, “I want that one, up there.” I say, expecting him to grab it, but he doesn’t. Instead, he grabs me and lifts me in the air and puts me on his shoulders, much to my disdain, he knows I don’t like heights. “Z!” I exclaim rather loudly, getting the attention of a shopper in the next aisle, staring at me with a bewildered expression as I quickly grab the hot chocolate and gently tap his chest with my foot, letting him know I got it.

As he puts me down, I can’t help but feel more than flustered as I put the hot chocolate in the cart. I turn away, holding my totally on fire face. “Z! Why’d you do that?” The close proximity left us both flustered, I catch a glimpse of the small change in his demeanor as he tries to mask it with his normally neutral expression, though I can see the slight furrow of his brows and the subtle flush in his face. He simply gives me a shrug, turning to walk, rather quickly, back to the front of the store.

I decide to brush off his odd reaction as I am already feeling odd myself, we walk to the cash register, where the clerk is waiting. “Did you find everything okay?” He asks as Z starts unloading the cart. 

“Yes, thank you.” I say with a small smile, holding my hands together and rocking back and forth on my heels. Robaire gives me an odd expression, tilting his head.

“What’s wrong? Why’s your face all red?” He asks, making me pause for a moment, letting out a breath. “Um, I dropped… something, uh, hot chocolate. It just made me a bit embarrassed. I’m fine though.” I explain, giving him a thumbs up, he seemingly buys it, nodding his head as we wait to pay.

After a bit, we pay, but before we walk out, the clerk stops us.

“I’m sorry, I have to ask, are you guys in a show or something? I swear I’ve seen your faces before!” He asks as we take our pitiful disguises off, he snaps his fingers when he seems to figure it out. 

“No, no, you guys are singers, aren’t ya? Uh, what’re you called…O-Town? No… Something-Town… I’m sorry, I’m not great with music nowadays.” He sheepishly says, rubbing the back of his neck as Robaire chuckles. 

“We’re 4*TOWN, and it’s okay.” He says, patting the clerks back. “Right, 4*TOWN! My granddaughter loves you guys! Posters and everything. Gotta admit, you guys are pretty cool, you’ve got this 90s vibe goin’ on.” The clerk says with a grin, putting his hands on his hips.

“I don’t mean to bother, but could I get a photo? It’s okay if you don’t wanna.” He asks, and we all nod, glad that he was so kind with it unlike some other people.

“Sure, it’s no problem.” Robaire says, and the four of us gather as the clerk gets his phone out and we pose, snapping a picture. “Oh, thank you, her birthday is the week after next, and I’ll be getting her tour tickets for Christmas, she’ll be so happy.” He says with a smile, sending the photo to his granddaughter.

“Oh, her birthday! Here,” I get an idea, taking a pen out of my purse and grabbing the shopping list from Z’s hands, crossing out the list and turning it over, writing my signature and a happy birthday message before handing it to Robaire as he does the same, then to Z.

He gives it to the clerk, whose smile just got even bigger. “Oh, thank you so much, you have no idea how much happy this'll make her!” He says gratefully, giving us our bags. 

“I’ve kept you long enough, y’all have a great night.” He calls out as we exit, heading to the van and loading it up with our groceries. I turn to Robaire. “I wanna drive.”

“Why?” He questions. “Dude, I like, never get to drive the van, lemme drive!” I say, giving him my best puppy dog eyes as he grimaces. “Ew, never do that again, and fine!’ He exclaims as I fist bump the air and get into the driver's seat as Z and Robaire get into the middle section. 

I connect my phone to the van, deciding to put my SEVENTEEN playlist on shuffle, turning up the volume as ‘Fear’ comes out of the speakers and I drive back to the cabin, all previous feelings replaced with peace and calmness.