#i wish you all so much pain

[resident-gay-bitch]

chapter 40 of crimson rivers is my thirteenth reason

[eggdrawsthings]

bro botched a mission once and the kid just doesn't let him live it down

[sunlit-mess]

consumed by the inevitable

[aimseytv]

trying to exist while my body is just constantly fighting my internal organs is exhausting i wish i could just teleport into a body that works

[ryllen]

Look what came through the mail today! The letters & ( •̀ω•́ )σ 3 little gremlins from letterstoear.

Just wanna say i adore the flower stickers on the letters too much, they are that much worth mentioning.

[duahauuoplanh]

scenes of Arthur that break my heart

[emuanon34]

[thirdeyeblue]

“Nine would have treated Martha better than Ten did”

I need to talk about this argument that never seems to stop circulating.

Note: Not a venomous/anti post. There’s more than enough of that across fandom spaces as is, and this is supposed to be a place for ✨sweet, blissful escapism✨

When making this argument, people seem to envision a scenario in which Nine never met Rose.

While I can appreciate a good hypothetical, recognizing Rose's significance to the Doctor (Nine and Ten) is essential to understanding why things with Martha played out the way they did in the first place.

In the third series, the Doctor is grieving. This grief is deliberately threaded into nearly every script, whether spoken aloud or not (and these are just a few examples):

He's burning in Rose’s wake the entire time Martha travels with him, which is why it’s so frequently called upon: It’s 100% deliberate in framing his grief. He grieved as Nine too, of course— having been fresh on the heels of the Time War — but then he met Rose, which changed everything.

Back then, he was still a rude, traumatized pain in the ass, but we watch Rose soften more of those jagged edges with every episode as they grow closer; as he lets his guard down and forms a deep connection with her.

He falls in love (against his better judgment) and it's game over.

And yes: provided S1E1 had been titled 'Martha', one can realistically assume things might have unfolded similarly to how they did with Rose. However, it wouldn’t have been that way just because the Doctor was Nine and “Nine was different” — it would be because he wasn’t already in love with someone else. The same can't be said for the start of S3.

Think of it like this: if Rose AND Martha had been in that cellar — if Nine had taken both of them along with him in S1 — we’d eventually be looking at the most melodramatic love triangle ever, what with him living in close quarters with two brilliant, gorgeous, compassionate young women... But Doctor Who is plenty “soap opera” as is with just one woman in the TARDIS.

(I certainly wouldn’t object to reading that fic, though)

Now, regarding the unrequited elephant in the room…

His inability to be romantic with Martha isn’t because he thinks her lesser, nor is it for lack of compatibility. It isn't because Rose is any better than her. It certainly isn’t just because he’s Ten.

It’s really only for one reason, which can't be denied — and now I’m a broken record:

He is still in love with Rose.

(cut from a tenrosedaily gif)

Nine is Ten, and Ten is only such a mess in S3 because he’s just lost the love of his life. Martha merely got caught in the crosshairs of a volatile Time Lord in mourning, and yes — it sucks. Absolutely.

But it also feels dismissive to chalk Ten and Martha’s relationship up to little more than some sort of mindless dance of pining, jealousy, and toxicity.

Ten trusted Martha with his life over and over again — and hers, with him. He constantly praised her brilliance, happily carting her around time and space with no intention of letting her go. In the BBC’s extended universe of novels/comics/cartoons/etc, there’s so much depth to their relationship: love and trust and trauma and sacrifice. They had their own special bond as mates, their own complexities — so it’s a bummer that it's forever overshadowed by the other things.

I’m not denying that there was a lot of stuff that sucked/was for sure toxic about Ten's S3 behavior, but so many of the things I've seen him catching flak for can be directly attributed to being A Clueless Fucking Alien Idiot (not a trait that’s unique to Ten) — as well as his flat-out obliviousness to Martha’s feelings.

So yes, I agree: if Rose never existed, he would have treated Martha differently as Nine. He also would have treated her differently as Ten. Certainly.

But Rose did exist, and when discussing canon, it matters.

“He tells me that he absolutely, 100% loves Rose... He tells me how my daughter; my wonderful, beautiful, clever little girl saved him from himself before… And he says that’s all because of me! I made her into the Rose Tyler that saved him.”

-Jackie Tyler, Flight Into Hull!

Martha got the short end of the stick in S3. She came round at the wrong place and time, but that doesn't mean it was all bad. It doesn't mean the Doctor didn’t adore her. It certainly doesn't mean the time they spent together was wasted or worthless. They were brilliant!

Sure, he could be a twat, but let it be known that he was a twat with Rose as well, both as Nine and Ten. I’m sure Tentoo can be plenty infuriating, too. So while I'll defend Ten (and Tentoo) into the ground forever and ever and ever, I'll concede that he's fucked up.

The Doctor is a certified Pain In The Ass. It’s one of the things I love so much about this character — dynamics.

But never forget that Martha was goddamn tough as nails and overcame every bit of it. She moved on with her life, and the Doctor moved on with his. One can only pray that, when they inevitably drag her back onto the show (which feels inevitable if I'm honest), we see at once that she's been living her best life for all these years.

[phoenixcatch7]

Loz fandom stop being angsty and give the daydreaming kids on big fun adventures with a cool glowing sword some actual whimsy and joy challenge

[the-scarlet-witch-22]

little rant, came to the realization today that when I eventually get married my mom definitely will not go. I don’t know why that hurts as much as it does. I’ve always known, like I’ve known for years and thought that I internalized it, but it’s just becoming more of a reality. I’m not even close to her but wow it sucks :)

[darklight-owl]

Polish warrior cat covers have no reason to go this hard what the Hell

[tsukasalover]

hi does anyone have any prsk fics to recommend i had like about 20 bookmarked on a browser and can’t get any of them back now because i had to delete it 😭 specifically wxs fics would be good but idm anything

[uselessnbee]

what i wish people would also explore more when it comes to Percy is the other side of his feelings about his mom about family and his childhood but this fandom is too afraid to paint Sally even in the slightest bad light (even if it's not bad just acknowledging her flaws because she's a human being and not perfect) that no one will touch on that subject. like yes Sally is the best mom but she also isn't and that's the thing! She isn't perfect! but she tried her best but her best still got Percy hurt and it isn't her fault at all but that's the tragedy of it. i want Percy's feelings about this explored. how he grew up with a loving mom but an abusive step father. how his step father would humiliate him and call him stupid but then his mom soothed him and told him he's not the things Gabe calls him. how Gabe would hurt him and Sally would be there to make him happy and loved but at the same time she stayed with him. i want Percy's feelings explored about how he knows his mother loves him but her absence still hurt him. she would work so much to have money to raise him she did that for him but at the same time it meant Percy was left alone or with Gabe. Sally gave up so much for him, she sent him away to protect him but at the same time he was sent away from his mom. she's the only parent he has because his father is absent and Gabe is not actually a parental figure at all but she's also often absent in his life too and that must have left him with such mixed feelings because it's not all black and white! Sally's love protected him but also hurt him. Percy loves his mom so so so much but there's also this deep-seated bitterness and hurt and anger he never let himself feel and then the guilt for having those feelings because his mom loves him he knows that and she gave up so much for him and she married a monster that abused her to protect him, he knows that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. the mess his emotions are because he knows his mom suffered for him and did it from her love for him but he still desperately wishes she never married that monster that he wouldn't have to have the childhood he had with him that he wouldn't have to live with the trauma he was left with. this all is exactly what makes their relationship so fascinating and also heartbreaking.

or the idea of Percy having weird mixed feelings after Estelle is born because that's his little sister and he loves her with his whole heart and would do anything for her and wants only the best for her but there's also this little jealous monster deep down that wonders why she gets to have a loving mom and a loving dad and a happy normal life but he never got that. why does she deserve it but not him? why couldn't he have that too? doesn't he deserve that too? he was just a child too so why why why??? and then the guilt of feeling that way too it makes me want to scream. emotions are fucking messy and they can be really ugly and they can make you hate yourself and there's no way Percy's feelings aren't a mess when it comes to this and i want to see it explored so badly!

and with Sally too! her feelings about Percy because she did so much and tried her best but sometimes unfortunately your best isn't good enough and it still got her beloved son hurt and she hates it and feels so guilty but she just has to live with that but she can't help to wish it was different. that their lives would be different. better. normal. she can't help but to wish she didn't have to do the things she's done, didn't have to suffer so much just to protect her child. can't help to wish she didn't have to worry so much, didn't have to be so scared about Percy, didn't have to be terrified that one day he won't come back home to her, that she won't be able to hold her son anymore because he will be gone, she just wishes he didn't have to suffer so much, she just wishes and wishes and wishes

and i just wish people weren't so afraid to explore this because it's so heartwrenching and yes if you want something do it yourself but unfortunately i cannot write nor am i able to handle this topic in a way it deserves so i am left only with rambling about it on here thank you

[zorosdimples]

knowing i should take a step back from tumblr for my own wellbeing vs. being emotionally attached to this app and the people on it

[smile-files]

oh yeah, i think it's important to differentiate between the ideas of a "jewish ethnostate" and a "jewish homeland", as a jew myself especially --

of course we deserve a place where we feel safe, a place that puts emphasis on caring for us and not treating us like dirt. but that is not the same as a place that allows ONLY us to be there. (and we are talking about a mass of land, not an affinity club or anything -- we're talking about somewhere people live. who gets to be a part of it is not something you should be policing on lines of race or religion.) we have no right to lay claim to land and force other people out of it. we have no right to a jewish ethnostate.

"oh but if there are any non-jews in our land they'll treat us badly like they always have!!!" no, that's just cynical nonsense. if anything, you're letting the antisemites win by agreeing with the omnipresence of their bigotry. yes, tons of people have been horrible to us. that won't get better by running away from them and hurting other people in the process.

also, it is very worthy of note that jews and their ancestors have lived in palestine, for a great portion of history in fact, but were conquered multiple times by multiple empires and expelled to the diaspora. of course jews want to live in palestine! of course! but palestinians are just as indigenous to the land as we are -- we have absolutely NO right to kill them and kick them out and say it isn't their home (which is exactly what so many empires did to us, in the same land no less).

endorsing zionism and anti-palestinian rhetoric, as a jew, is hypocritical, cruel, and wrong. let palestine be free, as they (and we) deserve to be. they are facing the same terrors we have; let us stand with them.

[cricketandbooks]

THE BRAINS — Dead Boy Detectives

Edwin Payne: uptight, know-it-all, stagnant, compassionate, determined, and bringer of justice for all those who felt they did not matter

THE BRAWN — Charles' Playlist THE HEART — Niko's Playlist THE EYES — Crystal's Playlist

This playlist follows Edwin Payne (Paine?) through his death and afterlife in chronological order. I hope you enjoy!

Annotations about the songs on the playlist under the cut:

Tracks 1-4: Hell

Track 1: Fear by Clint Mansell, Kronos Quartet

This track is my interpretation of Edwin's experience being sacrificed and sent to hell. Not much is known about Edwin's family and school life before this moment, so to me his story starts here. This instrumental piece builds an atmosphere of slow dread. It culminates into a jarring mess of instrumentals, causing both a feeling of fear and confusion that reflects the experiences of everyone involved in the sacrifice. In the movie that this song is created for, Requiem for a Dream, the characters use drugs to avoid facing reality and their feelings. In Edwin's case, he uses rationalization and dissociation from his reality and feelings to avoid facing them. They both come crashing in as he is sent to hell by the hands of someone who could have truly understood him.

Track 2: Body Terror Song by AJJ

It is my interpretation that Edwin, even before death, hated having a body. A body cannot be completely controlled, and often we are more at mercy to its whims that we can bear. For Edwin, a gay child in a deeply homophobic society, his body presented a lot of danger and anguish to him. He is often seen in the series fully covered, even wearing gloves to avoid being touched by anyone. It is his uniform and serves as a separation of his body from the world, but also from himself as he doesn't have to see or acknowledge it. He also does not mention any sensations that he misses from being alive unlike Charles. However, in hell, this discomfort takes on a whole new meaning.

"I'm so sorry that you have to have a body I'm so sorry that you have to have a body, oh yeah I'm very sorry that you have to have a body One that will hurt you, and be the subject of so much of your fear It will betray you, be used against you, then it'll fail on you my dear But before that, you'll be a doormat, for every vicious narcissist in the world Oh how they'll screw you, all up and over, then feed you silence for dessert"

In the series Edwin mentioned being passed through multiple demons. Each time I imagine them apologizing to him, knowing he wasn't meant to be there. Even in hell, he wasn't truly wanted. And yet, his body was still used to torture him as he was ripped apart and put back together again. While his body didn't get to fail on him via age, he was unable to protect himself from the wrath of his peers as he was never a strong person physically. It also "betrayed" him in that he is attracted to men, and was used against him as a means to scare him by Simon. At this time in the story, he didn't get a true apology from Simon, and his death wasn't investigated. Instead his life and memory was silenced. This fuels his determination to ensure that this never happens to any one else, as well as to dissociate from having a body completely.

Track 3: Anhedonia by Chelsea Wolf, Emma Ruth Rundle

As he is learning about hell and escaping from it, Edwin's resolve to not feeling anything sinks in. After being betrayed and then tossed around like a plaything by demons, his self esteem is slowly draining.

"I know it all comes back times three That human, that demon showed me How it ends when you treat your friends like foes So don't come looking for me I've got my walls up now Protect myself like a fortress And I'm on my own now"

Despite being a potential "friend" to Simon, he was treated like a foe, a vehicle for Simon to put his own insecurities and fears into. In this case, a demon literally showed him the consequences of being viewed this way. Now that he has been shown what could happen when he is vulnerable, he builds his walls to make sure that this never happens again.

"No, I can't sleep, baby And waking up is just a dream My sadness has lost its cause And I'm suffocating So don't come looking for me I've got no joy to lend Protect myself like a fortress Isolating, bridge withdrawing Isolated, I can't take it"

The only thing keeping him going is his strong sense of justice. He knows he doesn't belong where he is, but his feelings of sadness is weighing him down. Even knowing this, he can't shake the trauma of what happened to him, keeping him afraid of change and growth. He felt alone for so long, and this feeling may have been what lead him to come back to the school where his trauma originated. To be surrounded by people in a familiar place while still being able to prove to himself that he had built a fortress around himself that prevents vulnerability.

Track 4: Run Boy Run by Woodkid

While other character's are trapped in their rage or selfishness, Edwin is always running. This constant running makes it so he doesn't truly belong anywhere.

"Run boy run! This world is not made for you Run boy run! They're trying to catch you Run boy run! Running is a victory Run boy run! Beauty lays behind the hills"

This stanza represents his escape from hell, and in this case, running was a victory. It represented his sense of justice and resolve for better.

"Run boy run! This ride is a journey to Run boy run! The secret inside of you Run boy run! This race is a prophecy Run boy run! And disappear in the trees"

However, this running becomes an aspect of Edwin's character that holds him back, as he runs from his inner self and desires. He holds secrets and runs from them, failing to confront others and himself. Instead, he chooses to "disappear" into his work and his purpose. This race is a prophecy about his fatal flaw.

Track 5-9: Limbo

Track 5: First Light by Hozier

This song is my interpretation of Edwin's experience when he met Charles, its counterpart is In a Week by Hozier (Feat. Karen Crowly) on Charles' playlist. Freshly escaped from hell, looking for purpose and walled off from the world and himself, meeting Charles and being able to guide him towards a gentle death allows him to find a new purpose: solving mysteries and being the one to bring the closure that people need.

"One bright morning changes all things Soft and easy as your breathing, you wake Your eyes open, at first a thousand miles away But turning, shoot a silver bullet point-blank range And I can scarce believe what I'm believing in Could this be how every day begins?"

As Charles dies, soft and easy to Edwin reading, he wakes into his new existence and chooses to stay. Edwin thinks this moment is all that they will ever have, but Charles then chooses to stay with him. In disbelief, this begins to wake Edwin up from his anhedonia and despair.

"Like I lived my whole life Before the first light (Some bright morning comes) Like I lived my whole life Before the first light (Some bright morning comes)"

Ironically, as Charles dies, the sun is rising and ending the cold night. Death is described as going into the light, but in this case, Charles' death is the trigger that leads both of them away from the blue glow of death and towards a different kind of afterlife. Both of them died before they could truly live and be free of their traumas. But together, they may be able to overcome this injustice and become more than themselves.

Track 6: Fast Car by Tracy Chapman

The first song to appear on both Charles' and Edwin's playlist. To me this song represents the beginning years of the Dead Boy Detective agency. I will be analyzing this song through Edwin's eyes here. Fast Car is them tentatively believing that they could build something that matters while the shadows of the past seek to haunt them and rip them apart.

"You got a fast car I want a ticket to anywhere Maybe we make a deal Maybe together we can get somewhere Any place is better Starting from zero, got nothing to lose Maybe we'll make something Me, myself, I got nothing to prove"

Charles propositions Edwin, they both want to escape the situation they're in, and want to run from death. They started the agency from zero, and built their reputation over time.

"You got a fast car I got a plan to get us out of here I been working at the convenience store Managed to save just a little bit of money Won't have to drive too far Just 'cross the border and into the city You and I can both get jobs And finally see what it means to be living"

Edwin is the planner, the one who sorts the logistics and ensures that everything is in his place. I imagine he worked incredibly hard to be able to plan and set up the office and establish themselves as the boys begin to understand what they truly have together. He does this while constantly being under stress and on the run, a triumph of his mind.

"So I remember we were driving, driving in your car Speed so fast, I felt like I was drunk City lights lay out before us And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder And I-I, had a feeling that I belonged I-I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone"

They lived their lives constantly busy and on the run, with the city of London surrounding them. Edwin feels comforted by Charles, instead of afraid, and finally allows himself to believe that he could matter. In this environment he is in control, and no one can hurt him.

"You got a fast car I got a job that pays all our bills You stay out drinking late at the bar See more of your friends than you do of your kids I'd always hoped for better Thought maybe together you and me would find it I got no plans, I ain't going nowhere So take your fast car and keep on driving"

However, there are cracks in their relationship, and things that they are not honest about to each other. Edwin is incredibly afraid of change and people leaving him. He is set on staying put, while Charles yearns for something more than what he has.

"You got a fast car Is it fast enough so you can fly away? You gotta make a decision Leave tonight or live and die this way"

Even with these continuing tensions, they both continue to make the decision to keep running and leave death together.

Track 7: Working Man by Rush

For the next several decades, Edwin defines himself via his work. The agency has a higher purpose yes, but it is also a vehicle for Edwin to run from his emotions about his past, and from his developing feelings for Charles. Charles's counterpart of this is Post Humorous by Gus Dapperton, detailing his own coping mechanisms during this time. Working Man's repetition of words and verses creates the feeling of monotony, as Edwin's fear of change and obsession with work keeps him trapped in a state of limbo.

"Well, I get up at seven, yeah And I go to work at nine I got no time for livin' Yes, I'm workin' all the time"

As stated above, Edwin is a workaholic. He is constantly redirecting conversations from that of people's feelings to the case at hand. This is particularly salient within "The Case of the Two Dead Dragons" episode, even stating at one point that the case caused way too many feelings, and they should refocus on work. He doesn't have the time for feelings is his rationalization for that fact that he isn't allowing himself to truly thrive, rather to merely survive his continued existence.

"It seems to me I could live my life A lot better than I think I am I guess that's why they call me The workin' man"

People push him to change, and in the first episode Charles is even trying to encourage him to learn self defense. But it wasn't until when the Cat King points out all that he is lacking that he for once is confronted with this fact and cannot deny his stagnation. At this point, he is willing to lose pleasure and joy in exchange for the comfort and safety of repetition and work.

Track 8: Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

The second song to appear on both Edwin and Charles' playlists. Charles and Edwin are each other's safety, best friend, and purpose. They are the only ones during this period that can understand the other's situation and motivation, and through this forged a bond that could last for eternity. However, there are issues threatening to rot their relationship from the inside out.

"I walked across an empty land I knew the pathway like the back of my hand I felt the earth beneath my feet Sat by the river and it made me complete"

They both felt like they new each other like the back of their hands,even though it was revealed throughout the show that they did not. Even though their existence was monotonous, they made each other feel whole and complete. Their relationship grounded each other in their existence.

"Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on So, tell me when you're gonna let me in I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin"

Edwin yearns for things to remain simple, and as he is much older and wearier than Charles, he is looking for someone to rely on to never hurt him like others have in the past. Charles, on the other hand, is getting tired of their existence, and wants something new.

"This could be the end of everything So, why don't we go somewhere only we know? Somewhere only we know Somewhere only we know"

While these tensions in their relationship keep accumulating, it is certain that the boys both love each other and are willing to work out their issues once they finally are able to communicate them.

Tracks 9-13: Purgatory

Track 9: Everybody's Changing by Keane

Back to back Keane. However, this song represents the inevitable change in Edwin's existence, brought into fruition by Crystal joining the agency. He is deeply resistant and afraid of this change, and resentful at Charles for welcoming and encouraging it.

"You say you wander your own land But when I think about it, I don't see how you can You're aching, you're breaking And I can see the pain in your eyes Says everybody's changing and I don't know why"

Edwin cannot comprehend allowing risk into their lives, no matter how much either of them are stifled and hurting. He can't see beyond his own trauma in order to empathize with the reasons why Charles may want a change.

"So little time Try to understand that I'm Trying to make a move just to stay in the game I'm trying to stay awake and remember my name But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

Crystal burst into their lives with such force, and Edwin feels like he can't control his environment. In order to outrun death and outrun hell, he is constantly making plans and moves in order to just keep things as they are. He has been working so hard to maintain the status quo that leaving for a new place like Port Townsend with a stranger to save another living person terrifies him.

"You're gone from here, soon, you'll disappear Fading into beautiful light 'Cause everybody's changing and I don't feel right"

Edwin is deeply fearful that Charles and him will be separated, but he is also resentful that while Charles will be greeted with Death's beautiful blue light, he will be damned to hell again.

Track 10: Heather by Conan Grey

Edwin is jealous of Crystal and Charles' relationship, and while he is cognizant on some level that is due to romantic jealousy, he consciously rejects this truth.

"I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater You said it looked better on me than it did you Only if you knew how much I liked you But I watch your eyes as she Walks by What a sight for sore eyes Brighter than the blue sky She's got you mesmerized while I die"

Charles and Edwin have so many memories together, being best friends, but Edwin feels more than that. Witnessing Charles be mesmerized by Crystal cuts him to the core as Charles is willing to even risk Death and afterlife consequences by becoming entangled with the living. The change she brings is sore for both of them, as Edwin feels pain from it, while Charles desperately wanted her to stay.

"Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder But how could I hate her? She's such an angel But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she Walks by What a sight for sore eyes Brighter than the blue sky She's got you mesmerized while I die"

Edwin suppresses his feelings towards Charles as he watches him and Crystal, continuing to put his walls up. He acknowledges that she is incredibly valuable as a part of the agency, and also begins to care for her in her own right. However, that doesn't stop him from his "illogical" feelings that she should still leave.

Track 11: Why Can't I Fall in Love by Ann King

As Edwin continues to grow closer to Niko and Crystal, he begins to acknowledge his feelings towards men. However, he still can't process his feelings for Charles specifically.

"If you told me last year I never would have believed you London streets, no tears It’s been way too long Different season, same town Lost myself in the hand me downs"

Edwin is acknowledging that he is happier and better due to the changes of his life. His melancholia that he hasn't been acknowledging is beginning to shift, he is beginning to realize that he has been suffocating himself due to his routine in London.

"Didn’t think I’d make it out Oh, the air feels lighter now But I’m still on my own Why can’t I fall in love ‘Cause I try, but I never feel enough Knew I had to change To find my own way Maybe that’s the price I paid ‘Cause I try, but I never fall in love"

I imagine this song as him telling Niko his feelings about love. He once again acknowledges that he feels lighter and more joyous with his friends in his life, especially Niko. He knew that in coming from his traumatic past he had to build himself up and put himself back together, but potentially at the cost of bodily desire.

"Sun came back around The grass is greener now The storm left me stronger So let the rain fall down I lеarned to love clouds With my feet on the ground I don’t havе any regret I’m happy where I am at"

Being able to go on date with Monty via Niko's encouragement, he doesn't understand why even after opening himself up and taking this first huge step, he can't feel what he is meant to feel. He is becoming happier in other aspects of his life, not regretting letting Niko and Crystal in, but that isn't enough, and he still can't seem to fall in love.

Track 12: Jenny (Acoustic Cover) by Studio Killers

After his conversation with Monty, Edwin is finally able to acknowledge his true feelings. I chose the acoustic cover for this playlist as I feel it better matches Edwin's demeanor/vibe.

"I wanna ruin our friendship We should be lovers instead I don't know how to say this 'Cause you're really my dearest friend"

Edwin acknowledging his feelings for Charles sets himself up to lose a lot. Charles is his best friend and intertwined with his purpose for existing. Their bond means everything to him.

"Jenny, take my hand 'Cause we are more than friends I will follow you until the end Jenny, take my hand I cannot pretend Why I never like your new boyfriends"

Able to understand his reasons beyond fear of change that he disliked Crystal and Charles together, Edwin gains more insight into himself.

"I wanna ruin our friendship We should be lovers instead I don't know how to say this 'Cause you're really my dearest friend Oh, your love for them won't last long We should be lovers instead Oh, your love for them won't last long 'Cause you really are my dearest friend"

This song represents Edwin's potentially selfish desires to have Charles all to himself, but by being able to acknowledge these feelings, Edwin begins the process of dealing with them healthily.

Tracks 13-17: The Earthly Paradise

Track 13: Meltdown by Clint Mansell, Kronos Quartet

Ironically, Edwin's first step to release himself from purgatory and reach towards self actualization is to be sent back to hell. I once again chose a song from the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack. In this case, I chose it mostly because when I was younger, I heard this song and thought "this is what hell sounds like". The horrendous clanging, the discordant sounds. This song doesn't have a slow build up, Edwin is immediately thrust into his worst nightmare, the very thing that he has been running from this whole time. This song also has a frenetic energy that makes me feel like prey being hunted, with the climax being one's body being ripped apart. However, there are multiple times where the music reaches that terrible bang, indicating that Edwin must undergo this torture again and again.

Track 14: Re: Stacks by Bon Iver

Edwin is able to unpack all the change and new revelations about himself as his worst fears are realized. He learns a lot about himself surrounded by books, which are sometimes referred to as "stacks", but for once it wasn't the information that the books contained that helped him overcome his trauma. Rather, it was the connection—however brief— that he formed with Simon within them.

"This my excavation and to– –day is Kumran Everything that happens is from now on This is pouring rain, this is paralyzed"

Edwin has been forced to see parts of himself that he is deeply uncomfortable with. His feelings for Charles, the fact that his reasons for doing detective work aren't entirely pure. Now in hell, all of these bad memories, as well as the endless terror falls on him like pouring rain. However, he is unable to leave or do anything to escape this fate, being paralyzed. And for once, he cannot run.

"I've been twisting to the sun I needed to replace And the fountain in the front yard is rusted out All my love was down in a frozen ground"

Edwin has been fighting against the inevitable change that comes with being in the world and not in the afterlife, realizing he has been denying himself love and keeping himself "frozen". Through his new friendships, he realizes he needs to make some changes within himself too. Niko was instrumental in allowing him to acknowledge this.

"There's a black crow sitting across from me His wiry legs are crossed And he's dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss Whatever could it be that has brought me to this loss?"

However, growth isn't always linear, and things don't always work how you want them too. Monty betrayed him, dangling a potential new relationship and path for growth. Simon appears before him, dangling before him all his most ugly vindictive impulses, and Edwin cannot save him.

"This is not the sound of a new man Or crispy realization It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away Your love will be safe with me"

Despite all this, Edwin is able to acknowledge that he has been building walls for an incredibly long time. After meeting Simon he realizes he has also been in a hell of his own creation through his inflexibility, control, and fear. However, he is willing to let down his walls and let other people in, and to let life in as well. He is finally ready to tell Charles the truth. As such, all of Crystal's, Niko's, and Charles' love will truly be safe with him as he finally decides to face all the load that has been holding him back all these years.

Track 15: The Scientist by Coldplay

The first non-homophobic gay hell confession.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are I had to find you, tell you I need you Tell you I set you apart

Edwin positions himself below Charles at first during his confession, unable to go any further and staying even deeper in hell. This could be due to his believe that his feelings are "wrong", as he is apologetic about them. But, it is also incredible growth as he is willing to remain in his worst fears and not willing to run away in order to be honest and true to himself. He is able to say plainly for the first time that he loves Charles, finds him beautiful and that he holds him in his heart more deeply than he ever imagined he could.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions Oh, let's go back to the start Running in circles, coming up tails Heads on a science apart

Edwin acknowledges the secrets he's been keeping from Charles, holding themselves back from fully knowing each other. From the Cat King and onward, he is now willing to be completely honest. He also acknowledges that his fear of both his past and his future has been part of what kept them trapped in a circular path, unable to both grow and change.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures Pulling the puzzles apart Questions of science, science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me Oh and I rush to the start

Edwin used logic and work to keep himself from fully thriving, but now his feelings can't be ignored. He is able to admit to the person he cares about most that he wants to be loved, that he wants them to be together even though this is the most terrifying thing for him.

Nobody said it was easy Oh, it's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard I'm going back to the start

Now that he has spoken allowed his feelings and got his answer, Edwin is finally free to process his feelings and begin to move on to new love and new live, with his best friend by his side.

Track 16: That's What Friends Are For by Dionne Warwick, Elton John, Stevie Wonder, Gladys Knight

After all that he has been through, Edwin finally feels prepared to be fully himself, with his friends supporting him. He has finally stopped running from himself and is prepared to embrace his future and the change it will bring.

And I never thought I'd feel this way And as far as I'm concerned I'm glad I got the chance to say That I do believe I love you And if I should ever go away Well, then close your eyes and try To feel the way we do today And then if you can remember

In the beginning, Edwin went out of his way to be prickly and rude to both Niko and Crystal, as well as to the idea of Port Townsend itself. But now he is able to acknowledge his love for them and the happiness they bring him. They aren't his work colleagues, but beloved friends.

Well, you came and opened me And now there's so much more I see And so by the way I thank you Oh and then for the times when we're apart Well, then close your eyes and know These words are coming from my heart And then if you can remember

Niko and Crystal changed his life forever, and both in their own ways beginning to thaw him from the ice and dissociation that was keeping him miserable. Despite fighting against it so hard, he is grateful to them and the community that they have created together that allows him to be so happy and free.

Keep smilin', keep shinin' Knowing you can always count on me for sure That's what friends are for For good times and bad times I'll be on your side forever more That's what friends are for

Usually stoic and stiff, Edwin is able to allow himself the use of his body to express his emotions for the first time. He is an incredibly loyal person and now that he loves them, will stand by the group forever.

Track 17: The Foundations of Decay by My Chemical Romance

This song is found on all Charles, Crystal, and Edwin's playlists. This song discusses where the characters will go after Niko's death, and reflecting on what they've all learned so far.

See the man who stands upon the hill He dreams of all the battles won But fate had left its scars upon his face With all the damage they had done

All of the characters have been hurt and traumatized by their past, and sometimes it is not so easily healed. Their scars also kept them from truly connecting and communicating with each other. Niko was the one who united them all with her firm believe in love and hope, as well as her ability to listen to their deepest fears. For Edwin in particular, Niko's friendship was incredible important to him as her unconditional acceptance was so crucial in letting himself open up and face his feelings.

Let our bodies lay, mark our hearts with shame Let our blood in vain, you find God in pain Now, if your convictions were a passing phase May your ashes feed the river in the morning rays And as the vermin crawls, we lay in the foundations of decay

All of the characters were rotting in their own ways before they met each other. Charles was rotting in a silent rage, unable to truly confront his death and all that he lost, alongside how his parents continued on happy without him while causing him so much suffering. Niko was trapped in her room unable to connect with others in the world not just due to her sprites, but through her unhealed grief and fear. Crystal was suffocating in her selfishness and inability to love and be loved, as well as the abusive and neglectful relationships in her life. Edwin was rotting from his inability to accept change, letting the fear of his past control his life. His denial of himself and his desires lead him to be unable to grow and held him back from truly thriving in the existence he fought so hard for.

You must fix your heart And you must build an altar where it swells When the storm, it gains and the sky, it rains Let it flood, let it flood, let it wash away And as you stumble through your last crusade Will you welcome your extinction in the morning rays? And as the swarm it calls, we lay in the foundations

I believe the thesis of the Dead Boy Detectives, as well as this song, is the lyric "you must fix your heart". By allowing your old self to rot, you are able to confront your trauma and begin to heal and grow again. As the characters continue to confront their decay, they will hopefully continue to become more self actualized and healed.