#i wish my mom would be more understanding about my sexuality too

[sleep-0-deprived]

im not sure if you are taking any requests rn but I NEED to see some male reader Shigaraki heavy, hurt no comfort, gut wrenching angst just cause there is barely any Shigaraki x male reader and barely any angst in general

(you can ignore this request if you want!!)

Things that your dad doesn’t know (Tomura shigaraki x male reader angst one-shot)

WC:. 1.6K

Tags: hurt not comfort, angst, internalized homophobia, past religious trauma, generational homophobia, unspoken feelings, religious AFO au

A/N: I have never written angst before, I have no clue if it’s any good but I think this is the only time I’m willingly trying to hurt my pookies! ໒꒰ྀི˃ ˕ ˂ഃ ꒱ྀི১

Being a villain wasn’t your first choice in life, in fact had you been told that’s what you would end up becoming ten years ago…well you would’ve been in shambles? After all your dream was to be a hero, to help those who needed it most and give comfort/security to those around you.

maybe that was just you wanting to be the person you wished was given to you but that doesn’t matter because it wasn’t who you became anyway. At the ripe age of fifteen you were a runaway, your parents had sent you off to a private academy in Japan. In reality it was just a fancy term for a boarding school for ‘troubled boys’ but those words tasted bitter because that place was just filled with naive boys questioning their sexuality.

That place left you filled with thoughts of things you’ve never worried about before, one moment you’re just a boy who has some silly crush in the boy next to you in class and the next you’re a thirteen year old being told the way you felt was ‘sinful’. You’d never forget the way your mom just stared at you blankly while your dad shouted at you “those thoughts aren’t normal boy, how’d you turn out like this?” God you’d give it all to forget those words, every remembrance of them felt like a puddle pulling you to the ground leaving you to wallow in shame.

By the time you were fourteen you started to fall for the words the headmasters of the school preached to you, you thought “if I could just deny it then it’ll go away” or if you didn’t accept it then it wasn’t there. By fifteen you knew you had to get out of there, you didn’t care how you had to do it but you felt an unwavering hate for yourself every second you stood in line for the daily mass at that place.

When you did finally escape you ended up on the streets, moving city to city across Japan, too afraid to head for the states out of fear for your parents getting you back. Then you met him, All For One was what he called himself, he found you in a dingy alley all littered in bruised and scars from the treatment you had endured from that school.

He took you in and gave you a place to live for as long as you did what he asked of you. He made you use your quirk for his own wants but you’d never tell him your past or where you came from because it was evident with his god complex that he wasn’t understanding, after all how could a man from his generation be.

Life wasn’t all bad, that was what you’d tell yourself but then you met Tomura, you two never clicked in the beginning. All he’d do is stare at you from afar and judge you, but you just accepted it because he was your leaders heir. Eventually by the age of seventeen the two of you had became friends, the league of villains was a new concept with barely five members

You didn’t know what you felt or how to feel it but all you knew was the days felt more bearable to live when he was there. When you two didn’t have tasks to fill or agendas to make you were teenage boys, you watched cheesy shows on his bed or video games in his room, energy drinks and late nights was the routine between you two and their was an unspoken blonde that came of it.

Eighteen rolled around for you and Tomura was nineteen by then, it felt like an extension of eighteen for you, nobody but Tomura even knew of your real birthday and maybe it was for the lack of care or the fact you never spoke to anyone besides AFO, Shigaraki and occasionally Kurogiri.

By this point you’ve realized that things aren’t totally platonic between the two of you but Tomura having spent his whole life enduring AFO’s standards and beliefs that he’s pushed onto him, he denies anything and everything. Tomura never had the most stable life to begin with even before he met AFO, his dad was the definition of a bigot, he looked down on him for not being manly enough, for crying when he got hit by him.

Tomura and you were closer than friends could be, the way you two held each other and cuddled in his bed at night, or spent free time locked away in your room away from the other’s gazes. But you were never truly together in the way you wanted to be, it was like being skin close with a thin barrier between keeping you two from fully touching.

The two of you liked being away in private the most, even with all of the denial in your head was better than the hurtful gaze AFO would give to Tomura when he was caught sitting too close to you in the bar. Over time it felt like you began to know Tomura less and less, the boy you once clung to like he was the air in your lungs became a man that hardly spoke to you unless it was about the leagues plans.

You were no fool you knew AFO had confronted and filled Tomura’s head with thoughts of how what he was doing was nothing less than “un-right” and those deep rooted memories of the past that always crept in when you least wanted found you again, reminding you of every word nailed into your mind on how you should feel in no regards for what you did feel.

All you wanted to do was run back to his room, to hug him and cling and not worry about everyone else but that wasn’t going to happen. You watch him become the second AFO knowing you can’t and do anything. Your once close relationship has a wedge in between, it was non existent and nothing you could say would make him accept you.

“What happened to our friendship Tomura?” You’d show up at his door late at night while the others were asleep, his blue hair gone and what looked back at you didn’t feel the same quiet man that used to be. “Nothing has happened, things change and people grow [name], you’re acting as though we were lovers.” You knew that he was only forcing his words but it never stung any less.

“No but we could’ve been Tomura” you manage to spit out, your voice cracks and your whole body feels like lava. “No we never could’ve, you’re a man [name] and no amount of emotions changes that”

“If I can’t be your lover why can’t we just be friends again tenko?”

You’re nearly to tears at this point standing in the entrance of his bedroom feeling your heart being squeezed.

“Because. Being close to you makes life hard, I can’t sit and pretend to be your friend when I know I won’t be the one that ends with you, and don’t call me that anymore, you’re just my subordinate…nothing else and you won’t ever be [name].”

There was the answer you knew would come, he pointed for his door clearly wanting you gone, and you quickly obliged in wanting of him seeing you break down. You hadn’t hurt this bad since you had first been sent off by your family, how were you supposed to be ok with this? Why did life have to be this way? Were you destined to always get close to what you love then have it slip away?

You had more pathetic questions than you did answers and the night was long, you weren’t sleeping anytime soon and you knew it. You’d rather have been his friend if you couldn’t be his lover, at least if you were his friend you’d still be something to him, you’d still be in his life, you’d still be the person he sat around and played video games with.

You were just doomed to a life of watching the person you love become unrecognizable. You and him had planned to stick together, he had promised you’d always be together, he always told you that you were the only person that understood him and now it was all gone.

When war against the hero’s began you couldn’t do anything to stop him. Your pleas fell on deaf ears, AFO was on his shoulder telling him every little move to make and what to do and his plan didn’t have you in it. You were forced to sit on the side lines unable to jump in when his final fight started, seeing his beaten form and his scared body broke you.

You had made Tomura your world, he was your reason to listen to AFO, if he did something then no matter how much it hurt you, you’d do it too. When Tomura started his fight against Midoriya, you were practically running to the fight trying to make way to him and trying to use your quirk to just stop it all.

You were three seconds too late. The final blow had been felt and you were right next to Tomura sobbing like a scared kid watching him decay away. All Tomura does is look up at you, red eyes glossy and you know he isn’t making it. “You can’t leave me Tenko! You just can’t!…you promised me?”

You’re hysteric when the police start dragging you away from his ash’s, you’re feeling your word shatter so fast knowing all the things you had planned won’t happen.

[aftgphoenix]

How do you feel about Kevin ?

I'm not really sure what you are looking for, anon, so here's a random jumble of thoughts that I hope makes some sort of sense. Thank you so much for the ask!

I think he's such an interesting character and one that I wish we could learn more about. I would love to learn more about his childhood with his mom and then his experiences at the Nest! I wonder if Kayleigh was a good mom, if she spent a lot of time with Kevin, if she let him explore other interests aside from exy. Imagine little Kevin dragging his Mom through different historical sites as they travel around the world for exy! Once Kevin's in the Nest, I keep thinking about Riko and how his friendship with Kevin developed into them being "brothers" and Kevin being Riko's pet. Imagine the slow slide as Riko let his sadistic side grow. I think it probably got noticeable worse when Jean arrived but I imagine it was already bad before then.

With what we do know, though, I think he's hiding a boatload of trauma that he'll likely keep repressing as long as he can until everything implodes. I would love to see him really start working through that in his fourth and fifth years with the foxes with Betsy. Actually, that would be a super cool fic to read! If anyone knows of any/writes one, please let me know!

His growth in the series was really cool to read too. He is still learning how to be his own person with his own thoughts, interests, and personality. He's learning how to be brave and to take a stand against his abusers. He's learning how to overcome the cult mindset from the Nest and he's learning to let Riko go. He's learning how to live a life with more than just exy and to care for others in a way that wasn't allowed in the Nest. He will always be connected to exy, but I think even if he had been raised in a healthy place, he still would have been exy-obsessed. I mean, his mom created the game and his dad is an exy coach (and presumably a really good player prior to that).

I hope he's able to find healthier ways to cope than getting drunk. He deserves so much better than that. (On a side note, my husband's family has struggled with alcoholism and it isn't fun at all. It tears apart families and can cause a lot of negative impact on the kids, even without an abusive aspect.) I understand why he does it, though, because I can't imagine having to live with the memories he does. I mean, watching Nathan kill that man would be traumatic enough but Kevin has seen so much more than that and I know it haunts him.

Unpopular opinion, I know, but I also like him with Thea. I like the idea of him falling in love with someone who isn't very familiar with exy but I just don't think that's very likely to happen. Instead, I like to imagine that he and Thea get a boatload of therapy and rekindle their relationship, first as friends, relearning about each other, then moving into a romantic relationship while they process the absolute horrendousness that the Nest's sexual culture was (what do you mean Riko was in the room? Yikes!!!). 

He's definitely one of my top favorite characters (but let's be real, I have about twenty favorite aftg characters). I love reading fics about him! Hopefully this makes sense and maybe answers your question? Either way, I had a lot of fun writing this all out! I love getting asks, so thank you!!!

[nijigasakilove]

Ohh Makoto my beloved how I missed you! They delivered an absolute banger as well wow so much good stuff here. Amazing depiction of someone coming to terms with their sexual identity and gender. The best episode yet.

First of all Ryuji and Makoto misunderstanding about Ryuji’s crush is hilarious. Poor Makoto thinks they’re being a good wingman with Ryuji and Aoi but all he wants is you, silly!

“What would you do if I wanted to be a girl” I LOVE LOVE LOVE. The conversation between Makoto and their dad in the car, started tearing up a bit. The dad doesn’t miss a beat, doesn’t get upset or anything just pure understanding and love for his child and the desire to see Makoto happy no matter what gender it is. It’s so beautiful to see a moment like that in anime. I just wish they could get Makoto mom onboard too. Normally mothers are the more nurturing and understanding ones..

I loved Aoi and Makoto basketball club conversation too which served as a double entendre for Makoto’s gender situation too. If you’re not sure about being either one, you don’t have to be! You just have to be true to yourself and live your life the way you want to. On the literal side of things, the basketball club captain being so understanding of Makoto not wanting to fully commit to the team is so sweet. Where tf can a hs like this be found because normally kids this age are so judgemental lol

The school festival planning and start went great! Makoto and the others in their maid outfits are so cute, but that ending 😭 They’ve been building up Ryuji finally confessing but man I didn’t expect it to happen like this. I wonder how he’ll explain the picture of Makoto he keeps, if they’ll brush it off or if he’ll finally have to come face to face with his feelings. Need that next ep badly

[apomaro-mellow]

Got inspired by this

Steve regretted laughing. Which is something he never thought he'd feel. But as he cackled at something Robin said, he saw the look on Dustin's face and wished he could take the laugh back. Robin went to go and show a customer something and Dustin slid over to him.

"Remind me again how she isn't 'the one'?"

"She's a one. One of a kind. The kind I don't wanna lose by asking her out."

"Whatever happened to the Harrington charm?", Dustin asked.

"Doesn't work on girls like Robin." Steve ignored him by trying to escape to the backroom. Of course Dustin followed, employees only be damned.

"I don't even think you've tried. Which confuses me. But what's got me even more confused is how you've seemed to stop trying altogether."

"Why are you so invested in my love life, huh?"

"Ew, gross", Dustin winced. "I'm not invested. I'm just tired of hearing you whine about never finding love-"

"I don't whine!"

"SO just ask her out already. Even if she says no, you can still be friends. Like Jonathan and Nancy."

Steve rolled his eyes. Then saw a lightbulb go off in Dustin's head.

"Well since Nancy's single again-"

"I'm gay!"

For the first time ever Dustin shut his trap. Steve thought he should get a trophy for this. Except he realized what he just said. Dustin, with all the grace of someone who had just been blindsided, hugged Steve tight.

"I'm...I'm here for you, man."

It was so sweet that it made Steve feel like shit. But only a little. Because now Dustin couldn't keep trying to matchmake him and Robin. Or Nancy.

Turns out the love boat only stopped for a couple days.

Steve was hanging out in his room when he heard footsteps approach. Dustin came in without a single knock.

"Um, hello? How did you get in?"

"Some lady let me in."

Steve raised a brow. "You mean my mom?"

Dustin shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Anyway, what about Gary?"

"....Who? For what?"

"Gary? He works at the art supply store. He's gay, why not him?"

Steve shot up and shut his door like a zombie was coming. "What the fuck are you talking about Henderson?!", he hissed quietly.

"Gay people deserve love too, Steve. So how about it?"

Steve rubbed his face. Forget about how Dustin knew about some random dude's sexuality, apparently he wasn't one to be deterred.

"You can't just set me up with any guy. Or any gay guy."

"You've slept around with just any girl? Why are guys different? Seems pretty discriminatory Steve."

He wanted to strangle this kid. More than that though, he wanted to go back and slap his past self. He could have said anything. Said he was into old ladies-no, then Dustin would be sending him on blind dates to the senior center.

It felt like the only thing to get Dustin off his case would be if he was in a serious relationship with someone.

Then a second person came into his room without knocking and Steve wondered if he should be walking around naked more.

It was Jonathan.

And Steve got another bright idea.

"I can't just go out with anyone. Because I'm already dating Jonathan."

"What?!", two voices shouted out and Dustin gave Jon a look.

"Why do you sound surprised?"

Jonathan looked to Steve for help and Steve tried to convey the best he could with his eyes.

"I...we never....put a label on it....?"

Steve could kiss him if he was at all interested in men. To sell it a little better, he put an arm around his shoulders. Dustin was left speechless for the second time in a week and Steve was definitely putting it in his journal for posterity.

This time he gave them both pats on the back and walked out silently.

"Don't tell anyone!", Steve shouted behind him, then closed his bedroom door.

"Hey, um, the hell?", Jonathan asked.

"Thank you for being so cool with that."

"I'm learning to be more chill. But still, explain?"

Steve told him the whole story as they sat on his bed and through it all, Jonathan looked nothing but understanding.

"So, how long do we need to pretend to be boyfriends?"

"Who says we need to pretend?", Steve raised a brow.

"You just told Dustin."

"It's a secret we're keeping", Steve said, getting up to pace about his room. "Which means we just act normal. Later we can tell Dustin we broke up."

"How much later?"

Steve pondered. "....Once I'm engaged?"

"Steve!"

"Jonathan, please?"

He looked conflicted. This just seemed like a lot of stupid work just to convince Dustin. "You get 2 months? Got it? Put it on your calendar."

"Thank you! I'll do it right now!" Steve grabbed a pen and went over to the calendar that hung on the wall. He went to February 3rd and put a broken heart on the date.

"Subtle."

"No one else looks at this thing. Alright. If our break up is bad enough maybe Dustin will stop butting his head in."

"What if the others find out?", Jonathan asked.

"No one else is gonna know."

----------------------------------

Lucas had been noticing that Dustin had that weird grin on his face for the past week. The 'I know something you don't know' grin. While sitting in Steve's living room, shoulder to shoulder with Max, who he nudged.

"You notice anything off with Dustin?"

"You mean more than the usual offness? Yes, actually."

"What do you think it is?", Lucas asked.

Will came to sit on Lucas' other side. "My guess is he has a secret. But what, I don't know."

"So it's pretty obvious, right?", Lucas said.

"No, I said as much to Mike and he said I was being crazy and that Dustin wouldn't keep anymore secrets after Dart."

Their eyes went over to Dustin, who was grinning at the group who was deciding on the movie they were gonna watch. Steve and Eddie were in a heated conversation while Jonathan was trying to be a mediator.

Steve was flapping around a vhs so hard it threatened to sail across the room and Jonathan grabbed his wrist to still it, scared for the innocent movie.

"Get a room, you lovebirds", Dustin called out.

All eyes turned towards him.

Part 2

[new-tella-us]

I feel like answering this tonight.

Or at least one of each category.

But as two character. Mika (because she's sort of an oc?) and Damien (because he's my boy)

Wrath- Has their anger made them hurt someone before? Short answer, yes. Long one:

For Mika, that would be the time she absolutely BODIED Lisette. She's also pushed Suzu down before when they were in middle school. She's still embarrassed about that.

For Damien, Malix obviously plus that one pig faun that I'm convinced he was going to kill if his mom didn't pop up to kill him.

Pride- What are they the most proud of and are they desperate to get attention for it?

Mika holds a lot of pride in her family and while she actually tries to avoid the attention being the granddaughter of Harold gives her, she will fight you if you start talking shit. Yes, including about David.

Damien doesn't hold much pride of himself but he does use being the son of the Demon Lord to demand respect from those who try to disrespect him.

Gluttony- What can they not get enough of? What might keep them from getting more?

Mika is coffee. Girl is addicted. A total "Don't talk to me until I have my coffee" person. The things that might keep her from getting it are the boys. They are concerned with her coffee intake.

Damien is sleep. Demons don't sleep and he was not usually allowed to rest so being able to turn off his brain and his mind reading makes sleep a genuine pass time. Speaking of, as per usual, his mind reading is what prevents him from getting more. It's hard to sleep when you're hearing someone's thoughts.

Greed- What do they want most in the world? How far would they go to obtain it? How desperately do they cling to it?

Mika isn't a greedy person but he holds onto the words of others a lot. Arguably too much. She wants to believe that the people that call her friend and love actually care so she clings onto their compliments and words. Though that dark part of her brain makes he unwilling to fight to obtain those words as it tells her that they're all lying.

What Damien wants most in the world is Mika. (or Twila on other routes) He never needed to "obtain" Mika, they just mutually fell in love however, he desperately clings to her to an unhealthy degree. He's willing to travel miles and hurt anyone to keep her safe. It's his moral compass and a lack of confidence that separates him from his far darker timeline of locking her and his brothers in the mansions to keep them "safe". Though with everything he's been through, his moral compass doesn't always work right.

Sloth- How do they act when they're tired? Are they a morning person?

Mika acts kinda grumpy when tired, a little quicker to sass. Also she's sort of a morning person? In the sense that she often wakes up early and either can't go back to sleep or feels too guilty about "wasting the day away".

Damien just acts slower when tired. He might take a while to process your words or have longer pauses before speaking. Though he also doesn't get tired easily seeing how much he sleeps and just his species. No he is not a morning person at all.

Envy- What do they want that someone else has? Would they go to extremes to get it?

Mika wants the peace that it seems others just have. She doesn't understand why she's so naturally unhappy. She also wants the family that others seem born with. She loves her parents but they weren't always there when she needed them. She wouldn't go to extremes for either of these wants. They're more passive wishes.

Damien wants to be human like the people around him. He sees them in an ideal light and things his life would be better if he could just get that. And extremes.... Does considering sleeping with Diana for it count as an extreme? He also envies the connections humans possess and in his darkest routes he is willing to, again, lock his family in the mansion or turn his brothers into spiritual orbs to have and keep these connections.

Lust- How would they react to sexual tension? Are they a top or bottom?

Mika reacts by either blushing up a storm or flirting back. It really depends on if she has a comeback or not. If the tension is particularly high, she's often willing to give in to whatever the night may hold. (which is usually pound town) Also she is like 70% a bottom.

Damien doesn't seem to blush much (that's more if he's caught really off guard, which is hard to do), he's more the accidental causer of sexual tension. Though when he does experience the lower end of it, he might smile. On the higher end though, he would have a hard time resisting that urge to feed, it would show in the specks of gold that would flash in his eyes. Also he is 70% a top.

[otdiaftg]

The Raven King - Chapter Seven

Day: Thursday, October 5th Time: 11:30 PM EST

"I mean literally soft. Too many curves, see? I feel like my hands would slide right off. It's totally not my thing. I like..." He drew a box with his fingers as he searched for words. "Erik. Erik's perfect. He's a total outdoors junkie, rock climbing and hiking and mountain biking, all that awful bug-infested fresh-air stuff. He's stronger than I am, and I like that. I feel like I could lean on him all day and he wouldn't break a sweat." "Funny," Nicky said. "That didn't used to be my type. None of the others I crushed on growing up were anything like that. Maybe that's why none of them could help me." Nicky turned his hands palm-up on the table and considered them. "My parents are kind of crazy, you know? There's religious and there's super psychotic religious. Me and Renee, we're the decent sort, I think. We go to different churches and have some different ideas, but we respect each other anyway. We understand that religion is just an interpretation of faith. But my parents are the black-and-white crazy kind. It's only right and wrong with them: hellfire and damnation and judgment from on high. "For some reason I tried coming out to them anyway," Nicky said. "Mom was pretty upset. She locked herself in the bedroom and cried and prayed for days. Dad took a more direct route and shipped me off to Christian gay camp. I spent a year learning that I was infected by a disgusting idea from the devil, that I was a living test for every other good Christian on the planet. They tried using God to shame me into being straight. "It didn't work," Nicky said. "For a while I wished it did. I went home feeling like an abomination and a failure. I couldn't face my parents like that, so I lied. I pretended to be straight for the rest of high school. I even dated a couple girls. I kissed a couple of them, but I used my faith as an excuse never to get further than first base. I knew I just had to keep it together until graduation. "I hated my life so much," Nicky said. "I couldn't do that, you know? I couldn't live a lie like that day after day. I felt trapped. Some days I thought God abandoned me; sometimes I thought I failed Him. Halfway through my junior year I started thinking about suicide. Then my German teacher took me aside and told me about a study abroad program. She would set it all up for me, she said, if my parents would sign off on it. She'd handle admissions and get a host family and everything. It'd be expensive, but she thought I needed a change in scenery. Guess she knew I was that close to the edge. "I didn't think Mom and Dad would go for it, but they were so proud of me for my so-called recovery they agreed to let me go my senior year. I just had to last another semester and then I could go. I was so desperate to get out of there I didn't even really pay attention when Aaron and Aunt Tilda moved to Columbia that spring. All I cared about was keeping it together until May. I know now I should have tried harder, but I would've been no good to him how I was. "When the plane took off from Columbia, I was scared to death," Nicky said. "I was so relieved to leave my parents and everyone I knew, but I didn't know if being in Germany would change anything. When I landed, my new host brother was waiting for me in Arrivals. Erik Klose," Nicky said, sounding it out like he was saying it for the first time. "He taught me to believe in myself. He showed me how to balance my faith and my sexuality, and he made me okay again. I know it sounds dramatic, but he saved my life." Nicky flipped his hands over and laced his fingers together. The look he turned on Neil was as reassuring as it was worried and made Neil want to edge away. "That's what love is about, see? That's why Exy isn't ever going to be enough, not for you or Andrew or anyone. It can't hold you up, and it won't make you a stronger or better person."

Art used with permission by Kurra. Thank you @kurra !

[saecoyle]

spoilers warnings // opinion abt the first part

what I like :

Penelope being an absolute sweetheart and terribly socially akward but not being turned ridiculed, like a lot of "not-like-other-girls" fiction. Penelope is different than the ton as she's not sticking out but she makes it clear that she is a very common girl in her wants and desire, that she is just more introverted and has had less help from her family.

Her relationship with her mom getting deeper as well as their conflict. Love that!

Francesca being a really agreable character and her silent affection towards John is adorable. Definitly looking for more of them in the second part.

I actually enjoy the subplot of both Eloïse and Cressida, the season is really centering on the cracks of the ton's idea of normalcy before going further than the Londonian society in others books which is a great thing. It adresses that in an universe like Bridgerton there's a difficulty for the young misses in market to bond and form friendship because they're in constant competition, but also it doesn't take away the flaws of each-characters, making them whole. The three girls does not only compete with themselves but they also envy each one thing for each-other and are blind to the other person's issue, but at the end of the day the ton ends up being an issue for all of them in one way or another.

Violette and Agatha's brother, very cute, love their different views on marriage and their equal love for their children.

Colin is actually not a non-playable-character! Still feels a lil bit uncomplete to me but hey, it's only four episodes, it might come as well. I do really empathize with him with his awkwardness in episode three and four and hope for more as for later. Also they need to get him a more fluffy wig in the sense that : episode 3 with the wind, thank you.

what I disliked :

The constant threesomes (okay, only two) but I don't like lesbianism being used as porn content for men, even though if it means what it means (Colin is not content with one sexual or romantic partner if it's not Pen ect ect…) as a lesbian it is still icky to me. (Also I know that the few mlm scenes we've had caters to 'everyone' because straight women tends to love gay men but they're also more deeper than sex workers having to shag in front of rich nobles.)

The part 2 teaser, in genereal the fact that L.W will be revealed in this season and that the main conflict will be Penelope lying to Colin. But it's mostly because I've read the books and I hold Penelope and her work's dear in my heart I have issues about how it was handled. Personal preferences I guess.

Benedict's plot, not interesting, love the actress (very pretty) but in general I feel like theyre running in circles with him to keep the hype until they've made all their seasons and then his. Just not interested in it.

THAT half moment in the carriage scene where Pen tries to put her hands in his hair but it feels very weird bc in the book I felt it as unconcious and passionate and his hair being so stiff + the weird look turned me off so bad…sorry I know a lot of people like that scene in its entirety but it's the only part I had issues with.

I'm sad that we don't get news on Queen Charlotte's family situation bc it really intrigued me, I'm not surprised that the universe feels kind of flat.

things I am neutral about :

Kanthony not being that present, well it's not their seasons! I always have issues with ennemies turned lovers in the sense that they become boring very fast if theyre straight ((sorry)) and I do like them so I'm glad I didn't have the time to get bored by them, it also means more Francesca plot, more Creloise so I am truly fine with it.

The Mondrich getting nobles traits, I just wished it focused on the son too. Maybe about how pressured he would be as a young guy, ect, but there's still time.

Oh and it took me a MOMENT to understand the logistic of him f*ngering her, at first I thought he was just pleasing her outside and I was like "but the logistic? does he just gets out of the carriage with wet fingers and goes tell his mom he's getting married?" But it seems that yes. So… Okay.

The pregnancy race, idk it just feels obvious that Pen at the end of the day might win bc one will have a girl or one will be too late ect… I do find the commentaries about sexuality funny, and if it means more Finch and Philippa I'm fine with it.

general opinion for now :

I have been warmed up to be hyped by the season for a while now so there is not a real surprise that i'm appreciating the main romance as they're the only one I read the book and had seen across fandom in laws. Now the four next episode can make it more than great or sadly make my appreciation downgrade, it'll be a different experience that I've had with the other seasons bc I binged all of it and only had a overall opinion on the entirety of the show. Looking for the rest!

[sweetandsavageautistic]

(CW: Cringe, puzzle pieces, Autism Moms, potential sensory eyesore, ableism possibly, like one sex joke)

Welcome back to me harshly criticizing graphic design choices that people make about autism where I find pictures of shirts and whatnot and I tear into them like a lion tearing into its prey. Let's get into it.

In the words of @rebmasel on TikTok: "Ka-chow."

First up the only appropriate way to do this review is in the style of Dr. Seuss.

I do not like the puzzle piece, for it disturbs my fucking peace.

The color purple is real nice, but the message here I would think twice.

No tacky colors, so that's good. I don't hate it, though I feel I should.

Final Score: 4 out of 10. I'd rather not see this again.

I know the first line's kinda cheating, but I couldn't really think of any other fitting rhyme.

Next up is this:

This is already miles better than most of what I've seen.

The colors aren't tacky, they're actually kinda nice.

You have two wolves inside of you, both of them are gay and autistic. /ref

Autism Acceptance, that's a win.

Infinity symbol instead of puzzle piece, fuck yes.

Only criticism is that it's kind of a cheesy message, but not the worst.

Final Score: 9.5 out of 10. I'd wear it.

And then the quality drops here.

Puzzle piece means you lost points.

"Autism Mom." You can say it's difficult to raise an autistic child, but you're not a goddamn superhero.

How dare you use Rosie the Riveter for this. The disrespect. /hj

The military font is tacky.

I don't like seeing blue associated with autism, but at least it's not an abominable shade of blue.

Final Score: 1 out of 10. Get it out of my sight.

Speaking of lions that I mentioned earlier:

I'm already liking the absence of puzzle pieces.

Autism Acceptance is a yes.

When a lioness has children, she stops making love to the lion. The lion gets jealous, sometimes so jealous he EATS the children. You'd think this would upset the lioness; far from it. They make love again like the children never existed. I find that idea terrifying. /q

Not a fan of the colors, they're too dark for my taste.

The message feels cheesy.

Final Score: 7.5 out of 10. I dunno if I'd wear it, but it's not the worst design I've seen. The effort and care are present.

This feels like a roller coaster because it went downhill again.

"Share your friends." As someone with PDA, to quote Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 3, Line 87; "No." /hj

Autism Awareness. Once again, I am very aware of my existence but sometimes I wish I wasn't; there are days where I'd like to be both perceived and NOT perceived.

The blue isn't tacky, thank God.

I hate the quote because it gives the message that autism is nothing but a burden.

Also there's a bit too much going on with it, all of the decals and shit.

I don't see any puzzle pieces, so thank God.

Final Score: 2 out of 10. I do not recommend.

This is a bit different.

There's just way too much going on in this. Absolute eyesore.

Return of the Tacky Elementary School Colors, except they dragged orange into it this time.

So many puzzle pieces.

Why is everyone trying to fight autism? It's just minding its business.

I'm pretty sure that that's going to be a signal to mean kids to bully your kid. Like, even if there's more understanding of autism, there are still asshole crotch goblins.

I haven't "done" autism, but I am curious as to whether or not autism is good in bed. /j

Final Score: 1 out of 10. No thanks, I'll pass.

Let's end part 2 on a high note.

Simple design, but colorful and pretty easy on the eyes.

And the colors aren't patronizing.

No puzzle pieces.

Acknowledgement of the intersectionality of autism and sexuality.

No cheesy message; just a funky design about autism and gayness. Not all autism shirts have to be serious or UwU or motivating, so it's always a nice change of pace.

Final Score: 11 out of 10. As an asexual biromantic autistic, I'd wear this.

[local-redhead-bookworm]

Some of the people in the Stranger Things fandom are absolute boneheads. I don’t care about whatever degree in psychology you have, if you think an 18-year-old boy who

was abandoned by his mother and left to live with his abusive father

was actively being abused up until he got flayed

had clear abandonment issues

showed behaviors that could easily fall into anxiety and/or PTSD or CPTSD

was groomed by a woman old enough to be his mom

was possessed by the Mind Flayer and was robbed of all bodily autonomy

sacrificed himself for the first person to show him kindness and compassion

used his final words to apologize to his sister

deserves to die, then you didn’t pay enough attention in those psychology classes, you don’t understand how abuse shapes people and the different effects it can have, and you should never, ever be allowed to practice. You don’t deserve a license if you think someone is undeserving of help.

“He was racist” debatable. Dacre has expressly stated he didn’t play Billy as racist, in spite of the Duffers’ initial attempts to write him that way, the original script even including “a far nastier piece of language” in regard to Lucas. Even the Duffers aren’t 100% sure if Billy is racist. And if Billy is racist, this is a small conservative Midwest town in the 80s and Billy is a Californian. He’s definitely not the worst one there. Most importantly, racism is learned and can be unlearned.

“He’s abusive” highly unlikely. The most we see is him yelling at Max once and grabbing her wrist once. This is all just after a very sudden move too, which inevitably makes things strained between family members. Even Max says that Billy wasn’t behaving that way before the move. Also if he was as abusive as y’all say he is, she wouldn’t be flipping him off, back-talking him, snooping around his room, and talking about him like he’s her annoying gross older brother. If he were abusive, she would be more scared of him.

“He tried to run over the kids” do you really think he would have risked jail time? Really? If he had actually wanted to run them over, Max wouldn’t have been able to turn the wheel.

“He tried to get with a married woman” I think you mean that a grown woman with a husband and children was sexually interested in an underaged boy and pursued him for nine months, was willing to have sex with him as soon as he was legal, stalked him to the point of having his work schedule memorized, and showed up at his workplace just so she could ogle him. It doesn’t matter that Billy initiated the flirting, Karen is an adult and she knows better. She only backed out because she didn’t want to ruin her own cushy life by sleeping with Billy, not because she realized that sleeping with a boy young enough to be her son was wrong.

“He’s homophobic” he’s quite literally not. There’s zero indication of that. He’s actually one of only three characters to be called a homophobic slur (the other two being Will and Jonathan). You’re making things up now.

Your arguments are boring and baseless, and your treatment of anyone who likes Billy is abominable. The sheer amount of horrendous things I’ve seen my friends be called because they like Billy (racial slurs, victim blaming, weight shaming, suicide baiting, saying they deserved the abuse they experienced, wishing death and rape on them) is actually disgusting. Behave like civilized people, stay in your lane, and if something upsets you that much, don’t interact with it.

[radio-static13]

i am someone who only knows how to love unconditionally. once i love someone, i can't ever stop. i don't know how, and i wish i did because, more often than not, it has grievous repercussions. i have bpd, im an all or nothing kind of person. the only exception to this ever has been my ex, who was an emotionally and sexually abusive piece of shit. i feel nothing for him now but disdain. and though lately i've been reminded a lot of those years i spent letting him happen to me, and even though i'm completely outraged at the person who's caused all this...i can't understand why i can't hate him. i hate what he did, i hate that he turned out to be just as bad or even worse than my own abuser, i hate all the disastrous consequences of his actions, i hate that it was him of all people. and yet. i don't know how to hate him. i desperately want to. but just like i will never hate my father in spite of the horrible things he did in life, i can't hate him either. i don't know how. it doesn't mean i forgive or condone any of his terrible actions, but. he helped me survive at a time in my life when i felt like ending it. he picked up a lonely, broken child and called him a brave hero. the first book i read was the graveyard book, and i really saw myself in it. and then even more so in the ocean at the end of the lane. next was good omens...

i know you're supposed to separate the art from the artist, but as an artist and a writer myself, how can i? that art is built out of bits and pieces you tear out of your own soul, out of memories and places and people and experiences in your life, stories you craft and weave with your own arteries. yes, writers are liars, but all the best lies are based on truths. to quote the man himself, "We writers – and especially writers for children, but all writers – have an obligation to our readers: it’s the obligation to write true things, especially important when we are creating tales of people who do not exist in places that never were – to understand that truth is not in what happens but what it tells us about who we are. Fiction is the lie that tells the truth, after all."

it can't all have been bullshit...

my dad used to be incredibly abusive to my mom. i grew up watching them fight and seeing him belittle her. he also loved her very much. they would spend great times together, talk for hours, bring the groceries while she cooked, give her the best gifts. he was also abusive to his kids. he also did everything in his power to give us a great life, a big house, the best education, and all the commodities he could afford, and spend quality time together. he really cared for his family. he used to be incredibly queerphobic. he was also the one who took me to my first appointment with the endocrinologist, and was there when i got my first T shot. he called me his son before my mom did. i resent a great deal of things, but i will never hate my dad. i miss him terribly. he didn't deserve to die.

and i miss neil. and sure, maybe i was just in love with an ideal, just the beautiful persona he wanted to be known as. and it's sickening to think that the hands that cradled and soothed my fears were tainted with the blood of innocents. but they held me, didn't they? and the voice that told me i was brave for being unapologetic and speaking my mind is the same one that made so many people afraid to speak up. but i'm here because i chose to follow him. i chose to listen to his gilded words, and i still believe in them - i'd be in a graveyard otherwise. though had he been a siren, i'd be dead. had i been at the wrong place at the wrong time, i might've been on the list of all those who regret ever meeting him.

and yet, i can't hate him. i've loved him for too long, and it's nauseating, but i can't lie to myself. i still do. and i hate it. i hate that i can't hate him. it's been the easiest thing to do for most, but it seems impossible for me. i only hate myself for it.

i love him.

i'll never forgive him.

and this is all the more reason why i want him to pay for the consequences of all the hurt he has caused. i hope it's hurting him just as much. and - maybe this is just wishful thinking from a foolish dreamer, but - i hope he learns.

[k-s-morgan]

Hi, I hope you are safe and sound

I've been meaning to ask you a question about asexuality but was afraid it would be too personal. Your recent post is about, so I guess it's ok to ask, but if not, feel free to skip

I'm still young enough, going through my university years, but I've never felt attraction towards anyone. Even as a teenager at school. (Now, I'm not even sure if I can love anyone as a partner) Though I like reading romantic stories and do understand when a person is 'attractive' or not. So, the question is how/when did you understand that you are asexual and do you have any tips perhaps? It's just so upsetting for me to feel pressure from not only society but also my parents who expect me to find a lover and have a family

Hello! Oh, please don't worry, I don't mind any kind of personal questions as long as they are not deliberately offensive!

Asexuality means a lack of sexual attraction to anyone, but there is such thing as aesthetic attraction, meaning that you find some people aesthetically pleasing, very beautiful, etc. From what you said, you might be referring to it. Asexuals are perfectly capable of evaluating the general attractiveness of a person and they might even have their preferred ideal of beauty.

In my case: for a long time, I was confused because I felt aesthetic attraction., and like, I adored reading and writing and watching romance stories. It's my favorite genre. All of this made me think that I’m bisexual, and I identified as such. But even when I admired a person’s beauty, it was more like admiring a painting. I felt no desire to do anything sexual with them (or anything romantic). When I saw a great character, I wanted to ship them with someone instead of seeing myself with them.

When I read about asexuality, something finally clicked, and I was thrilled with understanding who I am. I never doubted it since I found my label around 23, and I knew at that point that I’m just not attracted to people, neither romantically nor sexually. If you live that long and you never experience what other people do, to me, it's a clear indication that you're different in some way. I was excited to find the source of this difference.

The most important thing is what and how you feel. You can find a definition that describes you best and makes you feel comfortable; you can change your mind later. Many people dislike labels in general; I felt pleased when I found one, but we all have different experiences. Just try not to push yourself into something you don’t want or don’t like. Even if others don’t respect your sexuality/preferences, respect them yourself and I think (and hope) that you’ll be happy.  

I understand about feeling pressure, and I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say here. My immediate family is very supportive, but everyone else is often annoying. I’ve never dated anyone, I never felt romantic or sexual interest to anyone; I had my first kiss + sex out of curiosity when I was 22, and it didn’t change anything in me - it was just a weird, very mechanical activity. But my friends and most of my relatives still say stuff like, “Oh, honey, you just haven’t met the right person yet! Have you tried therapy? I hope this year, you’ll find the love of your life! Would you like me to set you up with my friend?” My Mom tried to explain to her co-workers why I don’t plan on getting married, and they all refuse to accept that asexuality exists. They think I must be hiding some trauma. This is extremely offensive and infuriating. 

Sexuality is a part of who you are. I try to make people around me understand it, but they just blink at me in confusion. I ask heterosexual folks, “Why are you so sure you are straight? Maybe you just haven’t find the right man/woman.” When my aunt wished me to find a partner for the 100th time, I waited for her birthday and wished her to become a surgeon (she never had any relation or interest in medicine). She seemed to understand something, but a few months later, we were back to where we started. Still, maybe something like this could help you?

I'm comfortable and happy with myself, so while other people are a source of occasional frustration, their opinions don't really affect me.

I don't know how aggravating your situation is or might get, so the only thing I can say is that I hope you remember that your happiness with yourself matters most. You might figure out what label fits you best, you might start/keep changing them - as long as you’re comfortable with who you are, it’s all fine!

[italianpersonwithashippersheart]

Rose's Day of Asks - the sequel

Good evening! Question for you. Top 5 shows you wish you could watch again for the first time?

Have a wonderful night. Rose🧡

Thanks for the ask!!! I had to look at my list and these are the 5 shows that jumped out at me.

Until We Meet Again

This one had to be on this list. I love this show so much. It's the BL that got me into BL. It's basically perfect story telling. I wish I could expierience it for the first time all over again.

Bed Friend

I respect the decision of both actors to move on and wish them all the best, I will watch Net bl with a new ship. But NetJames will always have something special.

And this show is why. Their chemestry was amazing. Their characters were well written. Uea is such a releatable character for me, and King is still one the best written love interest in BLs that I have ever seen.

I wish I could watch this show all over again. It's not perfect, but it's so well done in so many aspects. One of my favorite aspects of the plot is when Uea's parents don't get forgiven, his step dad gets arrested and his Mom is not forgiven. They don't even try to get there.

Kiseki: Dear To Me

Used this image because I made it my desktop background. I loved this show so much.

I know the writing and the plot weren't the best. But for me the characters and relationships shone through and really made this show for me.

I love both romances, and the platonic bond that Zong Yi and Ai Di form. I think the character stayed consistence and understandable through the end.

And Ai Di and Chen Yi especially entered my brain and never left it.

Taikan Yohou

I never thought that any show could me love blatent miscominication so much as this show did. I think what worked best for me is the fact that the in universe reason for the of two of them not properly comminicating is perfectly tailored to who these characters are.

The acting sold this for me more then the writing alone, simply because I had to get addional post to understand some of the cultural nuances in the writing of how these two characters communicate.

Do I wish it pushed a bit further with the sex, Yes. But I do still think this walked the fine line JBL seem to have about sex and happy ending + light and darkness really well.

I have watched it multiple times and I never get tired of it.

Knock Knock Boys

The only recent BL on this list. I loved this show so much. I wish I could watch for the first time again. The characters was well done, the writing was on point the relationships were great.

It's such an amazing and underrated show.

Honorable Mentions

Pit Babe the series. I loved this show. The only reason it's not on the list above is that a s2 is coming. And it will impact how I feel about s1.

Kimi to Nara Koi wo Shite Mite mo - If It's With You I LOVE THIS ONE. But it's way too short for me. I love how much the main character was in touch with his sexuality and shamelessly attracted to boys. I really think that if we had gotten a longer series with the boys nagivating a real relationship this would have been a long time favorite.

Takara-kun to Amagi-kun & My School Preseident (tied for best high school BLs along with Seven Days) I wish I could watch all of them again for the first time.

[br1ghtestlight]

absolutely begging for you to talk about “28. jimmy jr and bob”

OH THAT ONE LOL as a tinimmy fan I'm not sure how interested you'd be but it's about jimmy jr coming out to gay to bob after a fight w/ his own dad. because bob feels safe as a queer adult in his life :( it's really sweet I wish i finished writing it

(on a similar note I always wanted to write about the MANY many similarities between bob and jimmy jr in terms of working in a restaurant from a young age, fighting w/ their dad, being named after their dad but failing to live up to the legacy etc even their speech disorders!!! this fic would have probably played into that later in their conversation)

"I don't know. Everything is—Ugh! I did something stupid, and my dad is angry at me about it. I couldn't think of anybody else to talk to about this. I know my mom wouldn't understand, and I don't… really want to tell her about it," Jimmy Junior started.

"What did you do?" Bob asked.

He knew that Jimmy Junior was a responsible kid and it was unlikely, but the first thing that his mind jumped to was that Jimmy Junior had accidently got somebody pregnant. There weren't a lot of stupid things that a teenage boy could do that their father wouldn't expect of them. Bob knew that, because he'd done quite a few stupid things when he was a teenager, and his father would never let him forget it.

Jimmy Junior took a deep breath, and Bob waited patiently. Even if he had gotten somebody pregnant or did something else equally stupid and irresponsible, it was obvious that Jimmy Junior trusted him and he needed support with whatever was going on. Bob promised that he would be there for his kids regardless of anything that they did, even if it was reckless or irresponsible, and that promise to himself applied to any other kids that came to him for advice or help with something.

"I told my dad that I think I'm, uh—I'm gay," Jimmy Junior said. His voice was so quiet that Bob almost couldn't hear him at all. "He didn't really… get it. He didn't kick me out or anything, but he said that I'm too young to know what I'm talking about, and that I'm just doing this to be rebellious and get his attention. Zeke said that I shouldn't tell him until I was ready, but I thought that if I told somebody it would make me feel more… confident, I guess? I feel like an idiot."

Bob didn't know what to say. He hadn't expected this. He knew that Jimmy Pesto was an asshole, but he hadn't expected him to be homophobic or to not accept his own son's sexuality.

"I-I'm sorry," Bob said awkwardly. "Did… why did you want to talk to me about this?"

"Tina told me that, uh, you're not… I know that you're married to Mrs. Belcher, but she said that you aren't straight. I thought you might understand, or at least, uh, you would kind of get it."

[runawaysiren940]

Recently I’ve been seeing quite a few male “allies” on the news defending trans identified males’s access women’s locker rooms and such. They make women out to seem cruel and unreasonable for wanting these spaces away from men. These trans supportive males don’t understand the experience of being a little girl and realizing that all men desperately wish to make you their personal whore and porn fodder. That man will do whatever they can to violate you and use your body as they please even in places where men are not allowed.

I was seven years old about to walk into a public restroom when a man was being chased out because he was caught watching women in the stalls. But the worst part is the first time I was catcalled was in that same neighborhood when I was five walking with my ten year old sister. A man called us sexy bitches. It happened multiple times when we still lived in that neighborhood until I was 8.

I had been sexualized by men at five in more instances since then and I had experienced sexual harassment and groping from boys at three. I was too afraid to wear tank tops. Imagine a five year old telling her mom I can’t wear the shirt she bought me because it would attract men as it always had. Doesn’t help there was a serial child rapist that targeted girls my age living in the city. I had already learned at five that I was an object for men as were other little girls. That was my “role” as a female to be violated and abused by men.

More instances of men entering women’s lockers happened and when I was nine I began to search for cameras, two way mirrors, and wandering male eyes in bathrooms and changing rooms. That’s what girlhood was. And many women know this feeling of never being safe in your skin even if men aren’t there. Because men will take what they think is theirs. So forgive me for being a mean gatekeeper.

I think that in many cases it's hard for men to picture our experiences; some of which is due to simply not publicly talking about them (think, are sons in the room when mothers tell their daughters about almost rapes, assaults and other violence?), the general societal belief, from religion to secular society that woman is happy and best suited for the place in the world she inhabits, and a refusal to admit that the experiences we do talk about actually happen.

And to be fair, it feels almost impossible to explain the way the female sex is treated to a man, in a way that he can understand; he will never fear another man the way that we fear men, because he can at least pretend at an equal fight in a manner that women can't. Of course they view the delegation of a perceived, but ultimately still male class as being owed access to our spaces. It's really no different than the belief that they are owed our bodies.

[jennycalendar]

upside-down-y

“What do I do?” said Willow. She sounded so little in that moment. Suddenly, Jenny wasn’t imagining that woman in a clean-cut black suit and heels, but the little girl in striped sweaters and white tights. “If there’s no—word—for it? I like being a lesbian, or I thought I did, but I can’t call myself that if I like Oz. And I think I do.” “You don’t need a word for it,” said Jenny simply. “I need a word for it,” said Willow, a stress on the pronoun. “Maybe people in general don’t, but I do.” “Maybe there isn’t one.” “I need—” Willow’s breath hiccupped. “I need the words, a-and the rules. To make sure I don’t—” Abruptly, Jenny knew who Willow needed to be talking to.

decided that, in lieu of tonight's blogging, now might be a nice time to post a tumblr-only exclusive that i've not yet figured out how to work into the canon of what you make! i would like to write a larger fic about willow's adventures at some point, & also figure out when this development will happen within the timeline, and once i do, i think i'll understand better how to work this thing in. (but it is definitely what happens.)

this requires no knowledge of my sprawling fic 'verse except for: it's an everybody lives/nobody dies au, jenny and giles are together with their eight-year-old son, this is a few years post-series.

read for -- giles and willow having frank and very loving discussions about sexuality, jenny calling willow "baby" because she's now a mom who does that kinda thing, briefest sleepiest calendiles child cameo!!!

~~~~~

Willow called at some godawful hour, late enough for it to be edging towards early-morning and for Jenny to be too tired to check the time. She happened to have been pulling an accidental all-nighter that had spun out from a few lines of code that just would not cooperate, so she managed to catch the phone before the second ring, hoping that it hadn’t woken up anyone upstairs. The shrill tone felt impossibly loud to her tired ears. “’lo?” she mumbled, rubbing at her eyes with her sleeve.

Anxiously, Willow said, “Jenny!” and then didn’t say anything else, her breathing nervous and rapid on the other end of the line.

“Willow.” Jenny was too sleepy to think. “You. Need something?”

“I don’t know! I just! Something happened and I can’t tell Buffy about it, and I can’t tell my mom, because she’ll think—well—she keeps saying she approves of the political implications of my lesbianism, so I feel like this is going to go over like a lead balloon, but I don’t know—I mean, I don’t think I’m straight again! It hasn’t—”

Jenny felt very much like this was a conversation that required her to be more awake than she was. Shuffling over to the kitchen table, she took a long sip of coffee. “The political implications?” she repeated skeptically.

“It’s just—we—” Willow took a wobbly breath in, then, in an exhaled confession: “I kissed Oz!”

For one bizarre, sleep-deprived moment, Jenny was convinced that she’d somehow been thrown back in time to 1997. “Oz?” she repeated. “Like, Oz, Oz?”

“Like Oz Oz!” Willow confirmed tearfully.

“Like your high school boyfriend Oz?”

“He was in Istanbul for some—thing—I don’t remember—and I wish I could say that we got drunk or high or something, but I was really only a little buzzed, and he was completely sober, and we were talking about everything we’ve been up to—he was the road manager for this really cool Eastern European band, and, and he’s been doing some networking with other werewolves, and oh, that’s part of why we met! We were talking about all of the complexities of connecting werewolves to resources that will help, and the stigma, and he’s really—well—he never really did much in high school, which I used to have such a complex about because I felt like he could do more than he was doing, but I guess I’ve changed because I just felt, I was so happy to see him doing things that mattered to him! And then that they also have a positive impact! And he’s still got that, that smile where when he looks at you, you sorta feel like you’re the only girl in the entire world! He still looks at me like I’m just the same, and I thought at first, you know, maybe that was why I felt all fuzzy and warm around him, because I’m a horrible person who gets off on validation, but then I started looking at him too and seeing that boy and—and—remembering—”

Jenny had absolutely no idea why any of this was a problem, but her ability to assertively interrupt the Willow-babble was significantly impaired when she was inches away from nodding off in between sentences. “Isn’t that good?” she tried, but Willow had not at all stopped talking.

“—and then we kissed and we actually did a little more than kissed, like, there was some over-the-clothes action and some grinding, except then when we stopped all of that, he walked me to my hotel! Like a gentleman! And he kissed me on the cheek and said he was really happy to share this moment with me, and who even does that??? What do I do now???? What if I’ve just—but I loved Tara so much! I still love Tara! I mean, I have NC-17 dreams about Tara, those wouldn’t happen if I’m straight! And I haven’t been with a guy since Oz, and I haven’t wanted to be with a guy since Oz, but now I want to—to call up Oz and be with him! Which, hello, so clingy, it was just one really nice month and then a whole bunch of kissing—”

“—wait, you’ve been spending a month with Oz in Istanbul and it’s only now become romantic?”

“WE WERE AT A CONFERENCE,” said Willow, as though this explained anything at all.

Jenny sat down at the kitchen table. “Willow—” God, she wanted to be asleep. “People can be bisexual,” she managed.

“But I’m not!”

“So you’re not into men?”

“But I am!”

She was going about this all wrong. “Baby. Are you into men or are you into Oz?”

A long silence. Then, timidly, “There’s not a difference, though, is there? You can’t be a real lesbian if—”

“Please God don’t turn into one of those witches,” said Jenny, who did not have the energy to be tactful. “Willow, there’s no way to be a real lesbian. There’s no manual. We define ourselves with the words that feel best for us, that’s what the queer community is about. What’s the word that feels best for you, right now?”

Another long silence. “I don’t know if the word is lesbian,” said Willow uncomfortably. “I don’t—I didn’t—really—question it? When it happened. It was Tara, first, and then Kennedy, and then a whole bunch of other girls, y’know, on account of the traveling, and then nobody at all for a little while, so I just—I wanted to kiss girls and I stopped looking at guys, and the only guy I ever noticed before Oz was Xander, and Xander, I didn’t know he was everything. They don’t tell you in high school what to do with someone who’s everything, they just say you should marry him if he’s a guy, but I don’t—I’ve never really wanted to marry Xander. We’re not like that. So I figured, Oz, he was just a fluke! Especially because of how everything with Tara happened, and I never thought any guy was pretty like I think girls are pretty, but—I don’t know. Oz is different. I don’t know how to explain it.”

Jenny leaned back against the wall, listening.

“I don’t know if the word is lesbian,” Willow repeated. “But—it doesn’t feel right to say that the word is bisexual, either. I’ve dated more girls than guys, now. I’ve built my life around imagining a girl there.”

“But Oz is different,” Jenny prompted.She was met with a tiny sigh in response. “Is that bad?”

“What do I do?” said Willow. She sounded so little in that moment. Suddenly, Jenny wasn’t imagining that woman in a clean-cut black suit and heels, but the little girl in striped sweaters and white tights. “If there’s no—word—for it? I like being a lesbian, or I thought I did, but I can’t call myself that if I like Oz. And I think I do.”

“You don’t need a word for it,” said Jenny simply.

“I need a word for it,” said Willow, a stress on the pronoun. “Maybe people in general don’t, but I do.”

“Maybe there isn’t one.”

“I need—” Willow’s breath hiccupped. “I need the words, a-and the rules. To make sure I don’t—”

Abruptly, Jenny knew who Willow needed to be talking to. “Baby, can you just stay on the line?” she asked gently. “Just for a second, I gotta—” and she set down the phone, stepping quietly out of the kitchen and into the unlit hallway, halfway up the stairs to the little landing between the first and second floor, where the bedroom door was still ajar.

Her baby was asleep in the middle of the bed, curled against Rupert like a little puppy; his dozing father’s arm was round his shoulders. Jenny leaned over the bed, carefully untangling a drowsy Art from Rupert. Art, always cuddly in slumber, whined; she ran her fingers through his hair, and he settled. “Rupert,” she murmured, shaking her guy awake. “Rupert.”

“Mmh?” Rupert stirred.

“Rupert, it’s Willow.”

Rupert’s eyes flew open. She saw the panic and gave his shoulders a reassuring squeeze, pressing her forehead briefly to his. “It’s okay,” she said. “It’s okay. She’s okay. Nothing bad. She just needs to talk to you.”

~~~~~

Willow waited on the line, listening to the crackly static, trying not to breathe too loudly for fear it would tumble into crying before Jenny came back. She heard rustling on the other end and held her breath, waiting, until Giles, his voice all rough and sleepy like it got during those old early morning research sessions, said, “Hello, Willow.”

“Giles,” Willow all but sobbed, feeling a rush of relief. “Did—did Jenny—tell you?”

“Some of it,” said Giles. “Just the loose pencil sketch, really. But I’d like to hear it from you.”

Maybe the Oz stuff wasn’t really why Willow had called Giles. “How do you know when to stop playing by the roles you made up when you were twenty-two and trying not to be the kind of asshole who destroys the universe?” she said, all in one breath. “I, I didn’t decide I was a lesbian because of the magics, but I decided it while I was in the magics, and I wanted to be good at being a lesbian, but now I’m worried that I’m not, if, if I kissed Oz and I liked it. I don’t know what the word is for that.”

“Bisexual?” said Giles.

“That’s what Jenny said but it isn’t that!” said Willow tearfully. “And lesbian doesn’t feel like it’s right either, even though it did for years before this!I don’t know what it is! I like girls and I like Oz, but I don’t like—I don’t want—I don’t think I want, but I don’t know—I wasn’t trying to look, after Tara, because I thought it was simple as—”

“Does there need to be a word for it?”

“That’s what Jenny said!”

A soft, tender laugh, the likes of which Willow hadn’t heard since she was in high school. She loved that laugh so much. It always meant that Giles knew the answer, and really, the problem wasn’t anything to be that afraid of, and five minutes from now, the world would feel okay again. “Willow,” said Giles. “Nothing in a person’s heart is ever finite. We are always—always—growing and changing past the words we used to describe ourselves five, ten, fifteen years ago.”

“But what if I—” Willow swallowed. “What if I change wrong?”

Giles didn’t answer for a couple of the worst seconds of Willow’s life. Finally, gently, he said, “Then you right yourself, if you can. Lean on others, if you can’t. We’re all muddling through. There’s no certainty that I can give you, as much as I wish that I could, but I can—” Now it was his turn to pause. A heavy one. “I can tell you that I love you,” he said, finally.

She had never heard him say that to her before. Not that directly, anyway. “I love you too, Giles,” Willow whispered. The whole thing felt faintly unreal: that she could say those words, and not snatch them back. Not watch his face contort uncomfortably as he tried to wriggle out of genuine emotional expression. “I just don’t wanna do what I did to everyone. And I don’t—if I was wrong, if I’m not—”

“I don’t think that you were wrong,” Giles countered. “You used the words that made sense to you at the time. Those words might not make sense with who you are now. Who you’re growing into. This is good, Willow. You questioning this is good, and healthy. I think…you need to become comfortable with the notion of not having that neat answer, or that label, if the notion of a label has become…restrictive.”

“I don’t want to not be a lesbian,” said Willow unsteadily. “It made everything make sense, when I found out about that word—”

“Does it help you now?”

Willow exhaled. “I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t know. I don’t want to not kiss Oz. It feels like I got turned all upside-down-y again.”

Giles was quiet again. Then he said, “When I was in my twenties, my group, it was all men, save one. Diedre. It hadn’t been intended, her being a part of the group. We’d all wanted a place to…to be ourselves, free of societal expectations.”

Willow’s heart flipped over. This was not something Giles had ever talked about. She’d known, of course—pieced it together through Ethan, and what she’d learned, later, about the kind of magic Giles got up to, but to hear it from him was completely different. She wanted to say something, affirm that she was there on the other end of the line, but she was halfway afraid that he would change his mind if he remembered that she was listening. She held her breath.

“I…didn’t mind the notion of including women within our group, even then.” Giles laughed softly. “It wasn’t something I talked about with the rest, but I wasn’t—I’ve never really—it’s always been about the person, for me, you see. Ethan and the rest, though, they…it wasn’t usual for them to, ah, prefer the company of a woman. They abhorred the very notion. But that was simply how special Diedre was. To, to all of us.”

Something tight and knotted in Willow’s chest was beginning to loosen. She sat down on the hotel bed, curling her fingers around the phone, listening like her life depended on it.

“You, you don’t need to have the right words for it, Willow,” said Giles gently. “Lord knows we didn’t know any of them. And I’d never—endorse—the other sort of things I got up to back then, but I, I think I’ve spent a lot of time refusing to engage with the parts of my life that have been…joyful. All because I was ashamed of the person that I was then.”

Willow wasn’t ashamed of high school Willow, exactly. It was just that sometimes it was hard to reconcile Willow-then with Willow-now, and that wasn’t even getting into the Willow-in-between. “So, for them, it was…guys plus the one exception,” she said uncertainly.

“Do you need to know what it was?” Giles’s tone was mildly pointed. Instructive.

“If I don’t—”

“What if you don’t?”

“I mean, that’s why I’ve been traveling,” said Willow, halfway timid. “To learn stuff.”

“And what have you learned?”

Willow closed her eyes, half-afraid of the answer. Oz had smiled at her in the light of the full moon, unencumbered, gentle. He’d listened to stories about Tara and Kennedy and everyone with thoughtful patience. He hadn’t made a single move. The kissing had happened by accident, and because she’d initiated it, and the nice thing about Oz was that he didn’t question that. He didn’t have a whole bunch of things to say about whoa, hold on, didn’t you go gay and change your mind about me? He just smiled at her, like he saw her, saw right down into her bones, and like what he saw was good.

And she’d missed him so much. The pinwheeling way he talked about things had baffled her when she was in high school, but now, after years of traveling, it was nice to be with someone who had just as many strange questions and quiet observations as she’d been collecting herself. She liked hearing him tell his stories. She liked him. She liked the person he’d become, and the person that she was with him. The people that they could maybe be together.

“I think I’ve learned that I wanna kiss Oz again,” she said, barely a whisper.

She could hear the smile in Giles’s voice. “That’s lovely, Willow,” he said. “I’m very happy for the both of you.”

~~~~~

Giles went back to bed. Jenny and Art had taken up just about all of it, making it nigh impossible for him to lie down comfortably. An attempt to nudge Art a bit further towards the middle was met by an unhappy, half-awake whine that positively tore at his heart, so he resigned himself to sitting uncomfortably on the edge of the bed for three minutes before Jenny, half awake, said, “Honey. Are you being stupid again?” and pulled Art against her like a teddy bear, clearing space for him in the middle.

“Don’t solve all of my problems for me,” said Giles, lying down and reaching to squeeze her shoulder. Their arms encircled Art, who turned his head towards his mother, soft dark curls against her sweater.

[chuuyascumsock]

hii dambi ᡣ𐭩!! i just wanted to say that i’m sorry for what happened to you, i’ve been in s similar situation before when i told my mom that my cousin sa’d me when i was six and he was ten.

she basically defended him by saying that he was young and his life wasn’t the best, justifying what he did to me.

it really sucks that people have this mentality that it’s okay to romanticize csa and incest because it’s fiction. if you’re going to write dark content, do it right!! it’s so weird that it’s gotten normalize in tumblr and in general (booktok.)｡°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°｡

but anyway, i wish you best of luck in moving out <3 if you’re feeling unwell, you could always rant to us. take good care of yourself!! ily ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

I understand completely how you feel, my mom didn’t believe me when I told her a couple of years after it happened and we were split up and then invited him over to stay at our house for a week to show that I was a “liar” (obviously he wasn’t going to do it again because there was more attention on him) and then years later when I got into contact with her again, she acknowledged that she knows it happened and defended him saying that he was abused too and just a kid (he was around 8 years older than me while I was 6) so it was okay. When getting into contact with one of my other siblings, she said that my mom went years covering it up (as well as the SA I experienced from my stepdad) and hiding it from everyone until she found out what he did and confronted him to which he admitted he had assaulted me. My sibling disowned him and told everyone that he was an abuser and to stay away from him.

When you write dark content such as CSA, Incest, and other heavy topics, please keep in mind to not sexualize them and create a safe space for abusers. I understand developing certain interests in those topics because you were a victim (I am aware that those who have went through such things develop sexual interests in SA or other kinks), but if you write a smut about it, maybe keep it in the notes if you know that abusers or people who indulge in these interests in an unhealthy manner would take it as a sign that you’re a safe space and actively support what they’re doing or their desire to commit those acts.

Also, just because it isn’t a picture or video of a child being hurt/assaulted, doesn’t mean that writing smut with children isn’t CP. You’re actively painting a mental picture of minors being assaulted/harmed and sexualizing it which is 100% still CP.

I’m so sorry to everyone who’s had to deal with any sort of abuse or mistreatment in their lives and hope you’re doing better or soon find a way out of your situation. You’re very strong ❤️