#i wish my brain wasn't to the point of like. needing one specific person to front and throwing a fit because they can't

[littleheaarts]

cries and gets in my own head and feels it getting worse

[apomaro-mellow]

Wrong Number 2

Someone said they liked when authors put their super-specific jobs in fics so I hope ya like Steve havin a (kinda romanticized) past job of mine.

For the first time in his life, Steve felt like the stereotypical young person who was always glued to his phone. Every time it made a noise or vibrated, his arm shot out like lightning, hoping with every fiber of his being that it was the mystery number.

It had been about five days since he'd sent that first message and he'd been worried about their conversations being stale. But that wasn't an issue. The only times their talks lulled was when they went to bed.

And even that was after texting late into the night. Steve would watch the clock go from 9 to 10 and promise to get to sleep at a reasonable hour. And then it would be midnight and what was a few minutes after that? Then he'd look up and it would be 2 in the morning.

Texting this guy had become the highlight of Steve's days. To the point where he didn't even realize Friday had come until one of his students mentioned it.

Then, purely out of habit, he asked: "Any weekend plans?"

"I've got a soccer game", Zach answered.

"My parents are having date night", Belinda said.

And normally Steve himself would be thinking about going out and finding someone for the night. But the idea hadn't come to him for once. He knew why, but he didn't fully process it until he got home to Robin, who was in the middle of cooking breakfast for dinner it seemed.

Steve was in the middle of replying to a text sent during lunch.

(12:15) I just realized you know about my off the wall job (12:17) But I have no idea what your 9 to 5 is (12:18) Your legally required to tell me if ur famous (12:18) Not bc im a clout chaser (12:19) But bc I might not have a clue who you are

[4:13] Not famous. Don't worry. I'm a teacher.

(4:15) As a former student I apologize

Robin opened the cabinet, looking for pancake mix. “Are you and that girl still texting?”

“Me and the who?”, Steve looked up from his phone.

“That girl? I assume you're finally setting up a date for this weekend?"

"She-" Steve racked his brain for a good excuse. But it was hard to do when the person who knew him the most was staring right at him.

"Whatever flaws of hers you're about to make up, I'm gonna call bullshit because your phone hasn't stopped pinging for days." She started mixing the pancake batter.

Steve looked down at the words on his screen. The one flaw of this guy was that they couldn't meet in person. But maybe it was time to close the distance just a bit.

"She's shy. Might just text a bit more before she's ready."

[4:19] No need for sorries. All my kids are great. But that's probably because I teach their favorite class.

(4:21) Oooh their favorite? (4:21) It's gotta be something like art rite? (4:22) Or are you being a smart ass cuz you teach like calculus or something?

[4:23] I teach cooking 😛

(4:23) Oh shit. (4:24) You're actually the favorite

[4:25] Toldja. Hey quick question and then possibly many more questions.

(4:26) Go ooooon

[4:27] How would you feel about spending the night playing 20 questions? Like are you free tonight?

Eddie bit his lip as he looked at Steve's words. He had picked his shifts this weekend to make sure he had plenty of time to talk to Steve. Which meant he was in fact free tonight. He replied as such and Steve said he wanted a little time to take a shower and then he'd be ready.

And because he was a little shit, Eddie took advantage of him being away from his phone.

(4:35) Since you're in the shower, I'm taking the first question. Boxers or briefs?

[4:54] Cheater. And I prefer boxer briefs. My turn?

(4:55) Go for it

Eddie was curled up on his couch, tv low and in the background as he waited for Steve's question.

[4:55] What's your name?

(4:56) THATS your first question? (4:56) Wait we've been texting for days haven't you saved my number? (4:57) What do you have me as?

Steve bit his lip, wishing he could lie to this guy, but he couldn’t. Instead he sent a screenshot of his phone.

(4:59) Misty? That’s the name of the chick?

[5:00] Yeah. But I guess I should put your actual name now, right?

It was a gamble. But this guy already knew Steve’s name. And by this point they’d been texting for nearly a week. He just wanted to know his name. He pushed back the part of himself that said he needed to know.

(5:00) It's Eddie.

Eddie. The guy he'd been talking to was named Eddie. Eddie with the long curly hair and the chunky rings who threw axes for a living. He was a far cry from the soft girls he usually dated. Or the preppy guys he usually dated.

(5:02) Favorite bug?

The question threw Steve for a moment but he decided to humor him.

[5:04] Bees 🐝I like how fuzzy they are. And I like honey. [5:05] What rings do you have?

A couple minutes later, Eddie replied with an image. It was taken from above and showed his hands lying flat on a coffee table. Steve zoomed to make out the details of each ring. He was also able to see a watch and a couple of wristbands on him.

[5:08] How did you take that picture? With your mouth? 🦭

(5:09) Did you did you just compare me to a seal???

[5:09] What other animal catches things in their mouths?

'I can be an animal with my mouth'. Thankfully, Eddie's fingers weren't as fast as his brain and he didn't send that to Steve. Eddie had in fact put his phone in his mouth the take the picture, having a real 'no thoughts, head empty moment' when Steve asked about his rings.

Steve was letting his own mind wander as he gazed at the picture. Eddie's hands were...his hands were...well they were-

(5:10) Favorite youtuber?

The adoration of Eddie's hands were interrupted by Eddie himself as their question and answers continued. The picture continued as well. Steve sent pics of his favorite pair of shoes, his hair products, and of his neck when Eddie said he didn't believe he had all these moles.

Eddie had sent pictures of one arm, covered in tats, his acoustic guitar, and a super worn copy of Peter Pan.

The hour was growing late and both of them were feeling more bold but at the same time hesitant because it felt like they were close to crossing a line.

Needing an outside opinion, Eddie consulted with The Council (the discord server with his band mates) about whether or not he should shoot his shot. Gareth told him to go for it, what harm could it do? Grant said to do it because it could potentially be the funniest catfishing story. Jeff agreed that he should, if only because their guitarist getting murdered would be a great back story.

With their unanimous approval, Eddie decided to start actively flirting with Steve.

(8:37) Soooooo ya like jazz?

[8:38] I do actually. I really love the piano.

Okay, that one was just practice. Be smooth. Be suave. None of that was in Eddie's wheelhouse but thankfully nothing he said turned Steve away. He always seemed just as eager to reply back.

(9:10) What's your oldest piece of clothing?

Eddie was thinking of his own oldest article a t-shirt that had started out overgrown on his tiny eight year old body but he'd grown into and kept over the years. It was super faded but filled with the memory of the first time he spent more than a couple of days with his uncle.

[9:12] I'd show you, but I'm wearing them right now.

Steve had closed his bedroom door before sending the text. There wasn't anything scandalous but it seemed like it could very quickly veer into that territory. All Eddie had to do was ask. If he wanted to see them, Steve would show it.

'I would like to see it.'

(9:12) I would like to see it

Eddie knew it could be anything. Maybe a holey sock. Or maybe he also had a super faded t-shirt with deep sewn-in memories as well. Maybe he was wearing a class ring?

[9:14] image.jpeg

Eddie was treated (and goddamn what a treat it was) to Steve Harrington's bottom half, barely covered in shorts with a school's logo on them. Thick thighs covered in hair. And a bulge that was there. It was very there. Eddie couldn't overstate how there it was.

He palmed his own crotch before remembering he was looking at a guy's junk and about to jerk off to it in his living room. And he had yet to answer. What was the most respectful way to say 'humina humina humina-wolf whistle-awooga'?

(9:16) Are you trying to kill me Steve?

[9:17] Do you like it?

'Awooga.'

(9:18) ❤️‍🔥 🔥 🥵

Eddie tried to think of any other way to tell Steve how hot he made him but it felt like typing words just wasn't enough.

(9:19) Can I do something insane? (9:20) And feel free to ignore me if it's too much

Steve was lying in his bed, phone of his charger now. Nothing Eddie could do would be too much. He could knock on his door and he would let him in.

[9:21] Go ahead

A second after he sent that, Steve's phone started to ring. It was Eddie. He stared for about five seconds before picking up.

"Hey."

"Hey."

If possible, Steve melted more into his bed. Eddie's voice...he didn't know what he expected but it wasn't that. He said one word and Steve wanted to wrap himself in it.

"That was pretty naughty of you, sending me that pic. I could show up to your school."

"You'd be a few years too late. These are my oldest shorts, remember?"

"Tiniest shorts maybe."

Steve laughed and Eddie was on cloud nine. He was so lost in bliss, he miscalculated and fell off the couch.

"What was that?"

"I uh, I fell. Off my couch."

"Did you fall hard?"

Eddie beamed as he got up and turned off the tv. Now that he had his voice, all he wanted to hear was the man on the other line.

"Oh super hard."

Steve let out a sound from the back of his throat and he wondered if Eddie had heard it. It was honestly amazing how the smallest things got him going. Or maybe he was just that into Eddie.

"You still there Steve?"

....."Yeah. I'm still here."

Part 4

Tag Team (closed)

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If you were tagged but it didn't show up in your notifications, lemme know and I'll do that thing where I tag you in a reblog instead. I know tumblr can't be trusted to function XD

[weaverweaverpumkineater]

ORIGINS FANFIC!! (slowburn RiDe)

(Chpt. 1)

Hello everyone! I just wanted to try something new so I chose fanfiction ^^ how fun. I am not writer but I do promise that I tried to have it make sense, at least the best I could. The prompt is a slow burn RiDe fic which does mean I am going to add alot more to this but given it is my first time writing something like this and posting it I just wanted some insight and perhaps advice and people's input :) I am definitely open to any criticism and anything people may offer. This does all take place in origins, and im sorry if this isn't 100 percent accurate, I did get into zombies like 2 months ago so I am not sure if I had time to let ot marinate enough but I guess I just wanted to try it out! Ride is my fav ship if you couldn't tell and I was hoping to be able to share this with you ^^. Once again I do plan on updating but when is something I haven't decided yet. Since this is only the first chapter I have inputted nothing about the ship just yet but of course with it being a slow burn I will slowly add elements I promise :).

I would also like to add, i removed the point system because I wasn't sure how to implement it, and i want to illiterate this may not be 100 percent accurate to the story. I will try my best but if I do wrong please tell me. From what I can gather this is all I have for now. Anyways, please enjoy and thank you!!!!

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The sound of what can only be assumed to be machinery blaired throughout the area, its alarms being loud, and its footsteps being heavy. How many were there? More than one, even more than two, three, it seems. 6 individual steps taken across the hills of dirt and building tops that belong to this place.

North France, 1914, the battle of the Great War, World War I. A period of conflict and devastation reaching its climax, especially in Europe. Not just with battle, but with strange like creatures that can only be described as the term, "decaying". Pale green discoloration and sunken in faces, glazed eyes, no thoughts to process, no words that can even be formulated. Just brain-dead animals with no purpose but to kill. The reason for the reanimates sparks something else entirely. The work is due to the creation of group 935...

935 was an organization of scientists. No one can really determine their true goals, but what can be said is that the power they hold in their place of origins, Germany. After discovering an unknown contaminate, they decided upon themselves to continue researching what this blue substance can be, only to discover that this substance holds more power than any element that can be found documented and they called it element 115...

Dr. Ludwig Maxis, a man of great knowledge who holds strength in Germany's foundation, known for being one of the founders of this specific assembly of scientists, was the individual behind alot of powerful creations that had only manifested into something sinister. Aside from Maxis, his partner of occupation, Dr. Edward Richtofen, a person of both brains and an undesirable charm, used the liquid divinium for his own twisted pleasures, which awoken a force that was much too strong to manage, hoards and hoards of the undead.

The need to capture this man was strong. he was dangerous but also talented in his own field, it being a practice of medicine and anatomical procedures. The name Edward Richtofen was feared by most. He wishes to keep it that way. He holds no remorse, no sympathy, and not a feeling of empathy can be found in his body. Down to the very last atom, he was filled with disparity, insanity, immorality, and psychopathic tendencies. This attention was grabbed by those who lay outside of this continent, gathering 3 soldiers from different parts of the world, Russia, Japan, and America.

The name of these allies were infamous from wence they came. The motherland sending their Red Army soldier, a man of strength, Nikolai Belinski. Japan sending their best Samurai warrior, one who holds true honor, part of the Japanese imperial Army, Takeo Masaki. Lastly, the American dream, a Yankee from North America, a USMC spy, "Tank" Thomas Dempsey. The 3 were sent on a mission to infiltrate and investigate further on the crimes and studies of Group 935, all having the same intentions to report back to the allied countries.

By coincidence, the three men happen to find themselves in the same exact situation, facing jeopardy and coming across hazardous trails just to infiltrate this single scientist. Having to dodge huge robotic walk cycles while running in very steep and wet dirt roads is not a simple task, especially when faced with countless numbers of the Living Dead. The soldiers took this advantage to put their skills to the test, only being one person after all, unaware of each other's existence thus far, they were on their own for the time being...that is until they reached the end of their open path, coming to a dead end which was some sort of broken down building.

Confusion was the only thing felt between the individuals within the premises. The three allies have the same idea to run into the damaged facility, trying to get at least somewhat of a break. Their energy went most towards dealing with their situation. They hadn't realized the other persons presence. Additionally, the atmosphere didn't help either. The mist and debris that filled the air because of their surroundings decreased their line of sight, though only for a moment. Once the air cleared up, and they finally had time to catch their breath, they all looked at each other almost in sync. All were startled, which caused them to quickly reach for their weapon in hand and point it towards one another. Dempsey held his revolver up and aimed it towards both men that stood relative close to him, "tch." He smacked his teeth, keeping his focus. Takeo held a pistol in hand, pulling back the hammer of the gun, ready to fire if necessary, holding his breath in the process to help his focus. Nikolai's grip on his own weapon was tight, trying to aim his shot gun both at once, grumbling under his breath. Being focused on one another, they didn't realize who stood before them towards the back center of the room. It was Dr. Edward richtofen himself, who at the moment was dealing with his own situation.

His hands were covered in blood as he stood upon a metalic table. His victim, who was now deceased, laying their cold was Maxis. He had removed the brain that once belonged to the lifeless individual, displaying his scalp and what seems to have been the top portion of his cranium that had been removed, exposing the inside of whats now a hollow skull. It seemed that at the moment, his head was in a daze. A daze that was recovered facing recollections...recollections of what? What was in this Doctors mind? He looked at his hands with confusion and then fixed his vision to see the men that stood in front of him, which by that time they all had their guns pointed right at him.

This caused a slight suprise to Edward. His eyes widened a bit in shock. Though truthfully, he was facing a bit of deja vu. He's seen this before. He knows how this plays out. before he can mutter a word, Thomas was the first to speak, "Alright, Doctor, time to give your shit up, you're coming with me." He glared, leaving no room for any sort of retraction. This caused Nikolai to furrow his brows and speak next, "We know of the the things you've done German. If you don't move now, we shoot." His accent was thick, though by the looks of it, Richtofen understood him quite well. Takeo was the last to break his silence, reading the situation and feeling himself tense up less, knowing the other two men were only there for the same purpose. He spoke, "You need to give up. Your evil behavior and acts of violence are at its end." There was not a thing said after Masaki's words left his lips, though it seemed the silence that was held onto the air around them was louder than anything that could have been said. After a moment that seemed to have gone on for far too long, the German scientist finally spoke, "well gentlemen, it seems you have...finally caught up to me, though Ich promise I-", he was trying to look for the right words to say. Something wasn't exactly right. There was a reason for his extraction that layed before him, it wasnt just for malicious purposes, but of course, that's hard to really say given the reputation this man has. "Well, doc, scapel cut your tongue?" Tank spoke with a hint of sarcasm and absolute disgust, awaiting this "reasoning" for his behavior. "Ich..." he sighs, "it isn't what you think, This was a necessity for me, and I understand that currently, we are in a very dire situation. Ich am not who you think I am." He tried to get his words out as much as he could, his mother tongue being extremely heavy. "This is not up for discussion. You have committed acts of treason. You are a bad man, Edward Richtofen", The Japanese soldier said with a bit of haste. Anticipation growing heavier by the minute.

Edward sighed and stepped away from his array of medical utensils. He put his hands up as in defeat and placed himself even closer to the three others despite him having no way of defense. "Ich promise you all, this isn't what you think is is. I am not here to cause more trouble than I have. I can not explain at the moment. This is extremely time sensitive." His eyes look back at theirs almost with plead, like he was innocent, though of course they took this as deception and a form of manipulation. "Bullshit Richtofen! We will shoot!" Belinski was getting extremely impatient. This caused the doctors head to shake slightly, "Please trust me, Ich am not here to cause anymore harm than I have. If you'd allow me to explain mein situation you'd understand that this was all necessary..." The three had daggering glares. They didn't say anything, allowing the German to continue. Richtofen sighs and mutters a few words under his breath, feeling a bit of pressure. He knows what he wants to say but can't exactly say it. Truthfully, he isn't sure how he should tell them, tell them the reality, the reality that this is only the beginning to a very painful outcome. He began to speak, saying what he possibly could that is, "Ich am not here to cause more disaster but the contrerary. Are you all aware of what 'Agartha' is?" When he said this, he looked at Tank in particular, which caused a bit of confusion, that being implied on his expression. "Agartha?" The marine spoke, lowering his weapon a bit, seeing that there's no active form of threat. "The hell is that?..." His action caused the rest to lower their guns as well, not wanting to cause more hostility than they must.

At this point, the men faced confliction. Dempsey was curious, though he had a job to do. Takeo hadn't any idea what Edward was referring to, awaiting the explanation that was yet to be provided. Nikolai crossed his arms, placing a puzzled expression on his face, "What is this, uh, place you speak of, eh?" Richtofen slowly lowered his hands, feeling confident enough to do so with the signs of possoble gun fire gone. He fixed his sleeves and cleared his throat which followed with what he was gonna say next, "well, you see, to put it simply, there is a lost little girl by the name of samantha Maxis. It's a very, very complicated scenario, but I needed the brain of my counterpart as it plays an important role in freeing her. While ich do not care too much for her, it also..." He stops to a moment, wondering if he should continue, perhaps a white lie? Maybe he can stretch the truth? He continues after a short pause, "it opens the gateway to a dimension referred to as Agartha. Agartha is very hard to describe aber it is important i do so. It would open up a pathway to many things, different universes, a plethora of timelines. Mein hope is to be able to be able to undo all that has been set into motion and explore more in the realm of science. Ich just desires a better outcome than how society greets us." Though to him, it sounded like a reasonable enough explanation,to the rest, he sounded insane. Perhaps the term Looney would make a much better description rather than just crazy.

Dempsey furrows his brows as he glares at the German. He has no intention of trusting this man or his words anytime soon. He was sure the other two felt the same given the fact that at a quick glance, the other two held their weapons with a stronger grip than they had a moment ago. Richtofen sensed that their patience was running thin. Before he could say anything else, a sound of a low groan was heard from a distance, one that seems to be getting closer by the minute. They knew those noises all too well. "Shit... Those meatsacks are hoarding up again." Dempsey said as he turned the direction of where the sounds were from and placed a few shots into the few zombies he saw were approaching. They dropped dead, though he noticed more behind the bodies that layed before him. Takeo and Nikolai stood their own ground as well, getting their own weapons to a proper position to aim and fire. Richtofen quickly took a towel that was laying to the side of the table he stood upon, wiping off whatever blood stains still lingered on his hands. Though, of course, unable to get all of it, he just threw the dirty rag on the ground and quickly pulled out the bowie knife from his side. "These creatures have not stopped forming around the vicinity. We need to get out of here!" His slight panic reached the others as they were occupied with their own, shooting a couple of rounds before having to reload. "Y-yeah? And where's that, huh Doctor?"

Before Edward can give the marine a clear answer, he is met with 4 creatures on his right, ready to lunge towards him. He quickly took his weapon and attempted to cut them down. Unsurprising, it wasn't causing much damage. Noticing the struggles the doctor was facing, Tank shot them down as soon as he got done with his own situation. "Now, can ya tell us?" Dempsey said in a huffed voice, becoming restless, noticing the numbers of zombies only growing. Richtofen nodded, "Ja, Ich needs you all to trust me. Can you do that?" His words gave the group a very uncertain feeling, the three of them all making the same expression of doubt. "If you don't want to die becoming their next meal, I suggest you follow me. Ich am aware of my reputoir, but you really have no option. We need to go now!" His growth and feeling in worry snaps the crew back to reality, realizing that Richtofen had a point. "We await your orders," Masaki said in a low voice, Nikolai agreeing with his Japanese counterpart. "Ya better not pull anything stupid, I'll blow your brains out!" The American said with aggravation, letting the Doctor take the lead despite his unwillingness to cooperate.

"Right. Come with mich." Edward walked out from behind the table that was placed in front of him, picking up a particular item, carefully wrapping it in cloth that layed near by. He looked around before walking up to one of the two metal doors. "This one." He mumbles, proceeding to kick it, causing it to open. A small look of relief appeared across his face as he walked out of the room. He began following the trail in front of him, picking up speed as he got further down. The path was all mud which made it a bit difficult to move through. He shouted to the others he assumed were following behind, "Be aware of the mud gentlemen! Not only is it incredibly slippery, but it decreases your speed therefore reducing stamina and im sure you know why that is not a good thing!" He himself was having trouble running through, feeling the soles of his shoes to become stuck with every step he took, only pulling him back as he attempted to pick up his own pace. The other three found themselves in the same situation as they were sprinting through the dirt. "Shit, couldn't have picked a better way to go could ya doc?" Tank threw to the other, not earning a response back. Richtofen heard him, he just didn't want to waste his breath.

After running for what seemed like 10 minutes, The scientist found himself in front of another metal door, kicking it open just like the other. The next room he was met with looked at bit similar to the other, though the area was more spacious. Entering, all four men were cautious, being mindful of any sudden movement. Letting their guard down at any moment will result in fatality. Edward walked upon a table that was covered in blueprints and writing. On the surface, there was an array of radios, systems, and an additional amount of items one may use for in depth research. Something else that caught his eye was an empty container. With this finding he quickly and carefully placed what he had obtained from his earlier extraction. Still being wrapped under a thin cloth, Edward placed maxis' brain inside of the opened holder and sealed it shut. "Es ist perfect..yes. this is good." He mumbled to himself and grabbed the item as soon as he wiped himself off. Tank noticed the others actions and raised a brow, "the hell is that for? You know somethin, your starting to really creep me the fuck out Richtofen." His words followed a face of disgust before walking up the bit of steps that led to an elevated floor.

Edward paid no attention to the marine as he was stuck in his own head. He continued to look around, his memory slowly coming back to him. "Ja..I've been here before.." he muttered before following Dempsey in his steps, though keeping a distance. Takeo found himself lurking amongst the different sets of radios wondering if they held any clues to help them in their current situation. He kept their locations in mind, not wanting to touch what he shouldnt incase it causes more harm than good. He stayed close to his Russian allie, noticing the other studying a shovel placed upon a nearby wall. "Maybe it holds purpose da?" He said to Masaki, unhooking it from the nail that kept it in place and gave it to him. "Perhaps this shovel will find it's use during our escapade.." Takeo said in response and placed it on his side. The two looked at eachother with understanding and followed after the American and the German.

The rest of the room was filled with gritted flooring rather than the familiar woodboards they found themselves on. The floor was connected to a machine that covered most of the area. The machinery looked like a power source, a generator. The floor had two symbols of the same, being labled "01" which could imply the possibility of being more than one around the vicinity. Once Edward noticed the rest were at attention, he spoke, "I have to turn on the generator, though Ich believe that this will cause a bit of commotion.." How he knew what happens next stems from more hidden memories he has yet to really discover. From what he can recall, the power surge causes the undead to spawn and cause disturbance. After a quick thought process, he turned on the machine, which confirmed his suspicions. He yelled out a warning, which brought the others at their feet. Tank thought it was odd that Edward knew what was bound happen, noting to question him later. For now, focusing on what's in front of him, He began shooting the zombies down with the other two doing the same. After what seems like forever, the generator was finally stabilized and had successfully powered on, which by their luck had stopped any more of the undead from spawning in. The four took a minute to catch their breath, gaining a response from the marine, "the hell..was those things. What the fuck just happened?!" After questioning their situation, Richtofen gave him a response he thought made the most sense. "The generator must be kept on in order to access whats around us. Each one is powered by element 115, and by mein guess there will be more approaching us in our path. The element is notable for its effect on the dead, hence why we found ourselves surrounded." Before Tank could respond Nikolai spoke up, "I don't know what plans you have for us German but we all have a mission to con-" "and how do you expect to continue if you don't know a way out? There are several things we must do hence why Ich must carry the brain of mein late scientist friend. From what I have read prior around the facility, we must obtain und put together a plethora of objects...und in order to do that I advise you listen to mich. I cannot tell you much of how I know this but Ich will say this, unfortunately there has been a change of plans within your party und whether dou like it or not I will have to assist you three for a while. Our mission thus far is to free samantha Maxis and open the gateway to Agartha." Dempsey sighed in frustration and gave in his own input, "Alright so we gotta not only follow the damn mad scientist but we have to trust and work together with ya? You must be more mad than I thought, I don't have any plans to work with y-" "und what choice do you have. As I mentioned to Nikolai, I don't think you have much of an option Dempsey." This caused both Belinski and Tank to back down, not just out of defeat but out of shock. Both we confused on how Edward knew who they were. Perhaps their identities were known even outside of their place of origins? They do have a strong reputation but not one too known to the common public. Nikolai played it off and went with the explanation that made the most sense which was explained prior. As for The marine. He wasn't gonna just downplay it. There was too many unanswered questions and he was gonna get an explanation from the German. Though for now to avoid conflict he left it alone.

The doctor took a minute to recover from all that had just happened, speaking up once he was ready. "Ich know this will be hard for you to all understand und I know that it's not easy to trust someone like mich, but I would like to remind you, I am not who you think I am..." He let those words linger for a while, piecing together what should be done next in his mind. They were in the middle of a battleground surrounded by countless numbers of the undead, trapped in a hell that can only be fled through one way, which at the moment was deemed impossible. For now, all they can do is move forward, and whether they want to accept it or not, Edward Richtofen was their only way out of this situation.

[lancerfay]

CW: dissociative disorders and trauma talk

signalis is so cool as a person with a dissociative disorder because personally, i see some fantastic representations of my experiences in those of the replika and their persona degradation. The loss of sense of self as memories both your own and imagined surface, and how simultaneously scary and freeing it can be to just accept yourself as you are in the moment.

Like the spectrum of emotions from adler's rage at seeing things have happened he doesn't remember, the star unit in the mines feeling elated to learn something about her past self even if it's irrelevant to her life now, and falke fully succumbing to the despair at memories not her own irreparably altering her as they belong to someone else entirely. Of course not as dramatic, and lacking in android lesbians (god i wish that were me) but it's intensely relatable as one that has experienced the horror that i remember an event from someone else's point of view, imagined because my own wasn't seen as acceptable to my brain.

That i can't decide if i relate to elster or falke more in regards to intrusive not-mine memories existing is kinda hilarious because the question itself answers it for me.

as an experience signalis so perfectly captures some of these feelings and it doesnt even need to outright say a character is plural or has a specific diagnosis I just see it in the text

anyways thats why signalis is our favorite video game now

[allowed-to-take-up-space]

Something I've been thinking about a lot is the way my father would critique and stereotype every single person he saw, yet still insist he wasn't judgmental.

We are in the car, my dad driving, me in the passenger seat. I am a child, maybe 11 years old. My father points at the girl standing on the corner, waiting for the light to change. "Yikes. Good thing she's out walking. Looks like she needs it. Bet she's hoping she'll fit into the outfit she's wearing someday."

"Dad, that's not a nice thing to say about someone."

"It's fine. She can't hear me. I would never say something like that to someone's face. You know, MY dad was homophobic and racist, so at least I'm better than that."

Maybe that girl on the corner didn't hear my father. But I did. And I've never forgotten it. Or the time I finally admitted to him - after YEARS of being a suicidal teen - that I was extremely depressed, and he told me I was one of those kids making shit up for attention, because HE had been in a car crash at one point and experienced REAL depression.

And yet I always ponder, now, how I could possibly be so insecure. Why I cannot just accept myself and move forward. Why I look at myself in the mirror with disgust.

It's HIS voice that echoes in my head. It's HIS nasty remarks that I remember. It's HIS judgmental opinions that I have to rid from my brain, every single time they pop up, because I KNOW better.

Even though I haven't spoken to my dad in several years now, the way he treated myself and others invades my mind constantly. His negativity has shaped so much of me - of my LIFE - and last time we DID speak, he still refused to take any accountability for the multitude of ways in which he hurt me (this specific topic not even covering 1/10 of the ways in which he did).

Furthermore, this makes me think about all the people who utter "harmless comments" about others when they don't think someone who might be hurt by that is listening. I've been privy to many conversations that have left me feeling hollow, without the folks making those judgmental comments realizing that what they've said applies to me. And I don't often feel safe enough to stand up for myself.

I wish folks could realize that openly passing heinous judgment on strangers is a gateway to passing judgment on people you care about.

"I would never say something like that to someone's face."

You said it to mine.

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ❤️

<3 Ooohhh ok hm... honestly i do not post much fic (checked AO3 and only 18), for the amount that i start writing and then leave in various stages of completion in drafts on my computer, oops. Unfortunately at least 1 favorite is in that category, but here we go!

Fallout from the Fade (Dragon Age: Inquisition): Hawke is left in the fade during the events of DAI's Here Lies The Abyss, but manages to fight her way back out. However she's left to recover from the severe side effects and trauma that come along. Ok my confession here is while i have not updated this fic since 2020, i have in fact written more of it. But since i kept going so long (months... and then years...) between chapters I decided it'd be better if i just finish writing the rest myself (at least roughly) so i know how much more there is to go and can update it on a more regular schedule in the future when i start posting again. Alas i am very slow at this bc of grad school and also bc i get distracted easily and... have less motivation to work on it when not actually getting feedback as i go. So i may change my mind about this approach eventually but it's where the fic stands now.

Like Teeth Against His Heart (Dragon Age: Inquisition): After Solas wakes up from uthenera, he has many conversations with a variety of spirits over the course of DAI. Sometimes they tell him what he wants to hear, and sometimes they don't. I typically like the recent things I've written the most and this is that. It's a prose-poem style that plays with formatting, aka its kind of Weird, and weird is my favorite. I wrote it for a charity zine which also meant i had to have a Final Version rather than endlessly tweak it forever which was irritating at the time but also good for me.

Unposted, No-Finalized-Title fic, with the file jokingly named 'Sam I Am' (Mass Effect: Andromeda): pre-Andromeda and game timeline but from the perspective of your ship's AI, who also lives inside your character's brain, and in the game admits to altering your brain/body, and hello??? the game did NOT let me respond to that to the degree I desired? One of my literary obsessions is the combination of AI (the sci fi kind not... generative art etc) plus human augmentation... what that does to both parties sense of self, their relationships, how they view and function in the world, etc. In the vein of Silently And Very Fast by Cat Valente, Imperial Radch by Ann Lecke, Murderbot by Martha Wells... and I spent soooo much time wishing Andromeda had gone deeper into that angle/thinking about it myself I wrote. Quite a long fic about it. But i only played the game once and there wasn't much fan love/fanworks for it so I never posted it or any other Andromeda stuff I wrote, it was more just for myself. I'd like to go back and finish this fic but I estimate it'd be in the 40-70k word range and i'd need to replay the game to refresh my memory so it's like, a project for when i have a bunch of free time at some point in the future, since it's mostly just for Me.

the people you love become ghosts inside of you, and like this, you keep them alive (Mass Effect trilogy): Snippets of a variety of Garrus' thoughts and memories of Shepard, and a growing realization about the nature of love like theirs. I don't expect anyone to love this one but me, because it's just a self-indulgent thing I wrote specifically to figure out the flavor of grief involved in the relationship between my personal Shepard and Garrus. It's not as poem-formatted as my Solavellan one but the prose leans hard in that direction, and they came from the same place for me. I wrote it after finishing the trilogy because I (unlike a lot of fans, i know) felt very adamant that the correct ending for my Shepard is that she is dead now, and not coming back, and needed to cry some more about that.

like the leaves after a long winter (Dragon Age II): It's the first Christmas/Satinalia since Leandra's death, and Hawke is not in the mood for festivities -- until she realizes that everyone else will be spending it alone and finds herself hosting a party without even meaning to. I'll be honest #5 spot was kind of a toss up between this one, Less A Man Than A Wild Cat, and Grief. But I've decided on this one because 1. it covers my favorite thing to write about aka grief, but is actually written as a story/proper narrative unlike others i've already put on this list. With fanfic the most important thing to me before anything else is self-indulgence. While I love writing for prompts (like this one was!), my specific joy in that is taking an idea from someone else and figuring out how to cram all the things I care about into someone else's plot summary. Fanfic for me is like... it feels weird to call it 'writing exercises' because that implies i don't care about the final project when i very much do. Writing challenges? Maybe? Idk i just really enjoy having limitations to work within. Having NO boundaries is where I do my original content writing, so writing within the bounds of an existing franchise already means there's some limits (like keeping to characterizations, plot, etc) and then adding more on top makes it a fun experience and keeps me engaged.

While these are my top 5, I definitely don't think most of them are what other people would pick as a favorite from my (admittedly very limited) amount of posted writing, Fallout from the Fade being the exception. I think my friends probably like the one where I turned Fenris into a cat best (and that was VERY fun it's just also more lighthearted which i struggle to write sooooo bad), and then every one else is in my inbox about the single Solas x F!Travelyan fic I wrote largely as an experiment in writing sex scenes. sorry to everyone who read that and then tried to read my other fics and discovered its mostly blood and loss and Yearning...

[rememberwren]

okay hi! i simply needed to swing by and tell you that skin deep has seriously not left my brain since i read it yesterday. it is genuinely one of the most well written fics (in general & call of duty specific) that i think i've ever read, as well as, i have now decided, my favorite ghost fic i have ever laid my eyes upon.

your characterization of him was just OH MY GOD it was perfect. i feel like you managed to preserve his cold, stoic exterior while also making him a genuine person that someone so nervous would still be comfortable with. but he is the perfect balance of intimidating yet also incredibly thoughtful. the switch from "you can cancel, i'll refund your money" to "how can i help?" had me SWOONING!!!!! (and i know it's like. basic general stuff but something about how careful and through he was with washing his hands and sanitation and everything ALSO had be swooning idk) sometimes i feel like his gruff dialogue can read a little stiff, but yours was SO NATURAL and i am just. incredibly floored by everything about the way that you wrote him in that fic. he was MWAH perfect.

also when he was late coming back from his break i was really sitting there going "😏🧐 i wonder why" (and i love when i'm right) and once again. insane. perfect. especially contrasting with how incredibly considerate and respectful he's being during the session. like he's taking such care to keep everything covered unless it doesn't need to be, he's so mindful of his hand placement, he's watching her reactions (not just to the pain but also to him. when she gasps he's SNATCHING that hand away. he'll be damned if he makes her uncomfortable and that is simply 😭) but he's like "🙂 be right back" because he can't handle it. that's INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and. don't even get me started on “If you can’t, then don’t,” that line. i had to close the computer for a moment. genuinely. that is the hottest thing i have ever read because i feel like so much smut is like goal-oriented and while there's nothing wrong with a man going "no you're going to give me another" there is something so. incredibly. intimate. about the simple desire to offer the other pleasure with no end goal.

then him asking her out immediately afterwards (but making a point to be like 'i don't regret doing that. just wish i'd done this properly' which gets me every time aksjfalkjhfsd) was so sweet and their dynamic was positively precious and wonderful and i ADORE them.

anyways!! this was incredibly rambly and for that i apologize but you are such an incredibly gifted writer and i'm so happy that i managed to stumble upon a rb of it on my dash because i've been thinking about tattoo artist ghost for WEEKS and this is the exact content i've been looking for. sorry i just hope this wasn't just a pile of affectionate word vomit 🫶🏼

(also re-reading it again when he says “Fuck me. Alright. Meet me at the shop in…twenty?” hehehehehehehehehehe i sure will!)

This was the *greatest* pile of affectionate word vomit ever, please do not ever apologize for it, I’ve been a grinning mess all morning because of this. I’m so very pleased and honored. I love seeing all the little details that stuck out to you. Thank you for taking the time to write this, it made my day 🩶

[glamorousnightmares]

TW: g0re art, f3t1ish art, mental illness

Hello everyone, it's been a while since I've made a sincere post and really been on here. I apologize to my online friends who I feel like I've abandoned, my irl life has gotten quite busy.

It's taken me too long to make a post about this but I think it's time to finally face my fear and admit to somethings I never even wanted to think about again. No one made any callouts or did anything to scare me into this, I just want to rid myself of feeling so guilty about the things I've done. It isn't easy to come on here and talk about it, but I need to address what I've done so that I won't hide it any longer than I have. All of everything i talk about is public and I'm mixed on if i will take it down just so I can be reminded of who I was before and to never, ever return to anything like it again.

A few years back, 2021 I think, I got on Tumblr for the very first time. I was not ready for anything like this and I should have waited until I got right in the head space to get on a platform like this. Before then, I had a discord, which I spewed so many words I no longer agree with or stand by. I have changed and grown over the years, almost a new person but with the scars of my past always leaning over me. I didn't fully understand what I was talking about or what I said. To be clear, it wasn't a slur or something, it was a really shitty take on something I thought was right but now I see is severly fucked up. I no longer stand by what i said. I won't get into the details, but if you want them just dm me and ask. If nothing else, this is a callout to myself and who I was before.

Now the worst part and what still haunts me to this day. (To preface, this is where the tw starts, tread carefully.) When I first got my tumblr, I didn't know the dangers of the internet fully. I didn't think about any actions I did, I just wanted to be seen. I will be blunt, I reblogged g0re art and f3tish gore art because of multiple reasons. (None of which are right don't get me wrong)

1. I was not and will never EVER be attracted to anything like that, it was NOT a f3t1sh thing, my brain was just attached to it because of some fucked up things of my past. I won't get specific, that's just what I wanted to see and reblog at the time. I've blocked out a lot of it to be honest, so i don't remember some of why I looked at/ shared such horrible images. Thinking about it now makes me sick and I want nothing more than to bring to light what I've done and seen so that no one will use something like this against me or hurt others with it. It was a sort of "comfort the disturbed, disturb the comforted" type thing.

2. It would shock those I talked to and make me look "insane" and "crazy" so I could be different. I hate those people now and I refuse to ever be like that again, and remembering who I was and how it affected others makes me steer clear of ever even considering being like it again. G0re art and f3t1sh g0re art will never ever be allowed on my blog or anywhere near it again. I wish I could go back and erase all of it, and I have done my best to do so. If you see anything like that, please for the love of God don't interact with it. If you are hurting to the point where you feel as if you need to or are hurting others, please seek help. You are not alone and there is always a brighter day. If you are thinking about doing anything like what any of those pictures showed, please tell someone close to you and do not hurt yourself or anyone around you. Someone will always listen and cares about you, I promise.

Another thing was the way I treated others back then was shitty, and while I had so much fun with everyone that I met, talked to, or just had a few interactions with, I hold all of them incredibly close to my heart. I will try to interact on here more and do my best to be a better person with strong morals and the best intentions.

Saying all of this leads me to one thing I should have said more back then; I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was like that and how I treated others. I'm sorry I had to put all of you through that just because of things going on in my own life. You all deserved better and I needed to be better.

Living with what I've done, said, and shown had been tough, I'm not going to lie. I'm not trying to make it a sob story, I'm just being honest. But it was important to who I am today and what it makes me as a person. Was it right? No, it never will be no matter how much I try to justify it. But learning from it and taking away the lessons is more important than anything. I hope this could clear some air and shine light on who I was so that I will never become like that again, hurting others and only showing and being the worst the world has to offer. Making not the world, but at least some corner of it brighter and better than It was will be my main goal now. I no longer want to be hurtful, I want to help those who need it. If there is one thing I will strive for, it is to be better.

With love and high hopes,

-Glam☆

[hummingbird-games]

Postmortem: #CrushedVN Edition

Okie doke y'all! It's been some time so I guess we're good to dissect this project!

(I almost didn't bother with writing this up, but at the end of the day I do the dev diaries and the random--game development related--posts for me to look back on and prove I'm learning. Getting better. Not regressing. So. Might as well move forward!)

Background/Inspiration

It's like if you took my late 2022 brain and threw it into a blender!! Most of these are self-explanatory (Boys Love media I adore with emphasis on early to late teen experiences.) Let me draw your attention to The Edge Of Seventeen: not sure how many times I've rewatched, but it makes me tear up every single time. Main character Nadine is awkward AF, still hasn't come to terms with the death of her father years prior, isn't on the best terms with her mom or her older brother, and even ends up on rocky terms with her best friend too!! Anyway, that feeling of being young, and a little angry and a little sad and not feeling quite right on the inside but eventually reaching a place where things fiiiiiinally start to work out...it's just a sliver of what I wanted to capture and infuse into Crushed.

Listen y'all, I just pulled and pulled and pulled from real life experiences. I was inspired by authors Julian Winters, Leah Johnson, and Jay Coles' works (all Young Adult authors LOL! Fitting since I seem to be creating things for the teens at this juncture in my life). This all provided the base for Corey and his inner world. Also, I've been wanting to create a bookworm character...no time like the present right???

As for deciding to specifically create a boys' love visual novel of all things?? First, y'all must understand that I fought the original idea and anything related to it. This was coming off the heels of me suddenly seeing (another) wave of players throwing fits about indie games forcing you to play as a femme character. First off, no one is forcing you to do anything. Secondly, we are still at a point in video games where the majority of characters you play as are male. Forgive some of us for wanting a little variety 😑Thirdly, for those looking for games where there's even more inclusivity (choosing pronouns, playing as nonbinary/trans, and etc) I really wish that players would seek out those games that ARE being made and support them so the developers don't lose steam and drop their projects. It's so disheartening to make something that's meant to be consumed and BOOM, silence.

Anyway, all of that to say that as a developer herself who's tired of watching girls' media be regulated as Less Than, made fun of, and just overall disrespected, I wasn't interested in making any games that didn't center a female character. But back to my main point!!!

I had Heartstopper, the webtoon, infecting my brain. I was so not immune to falling in love with Nick and Charlie like everybody else. But then I was hit for the 34573847th time that I was engaging with white queer media. And I knew that if Nick and Charlie were Black Brits, they wouldn't be getting half the attention they are now. Even less if the boys were girls and we had a sapphic relationship on our hands. (But that sapphic story from Hummingbird Games is still brewing, and Corey and Jacob's story was ready first.)

Also....the biphobia is real. It's insidious. I could write a whole book about how the straights and the gays need to get their shit together. I could then write a sequel about how the Black community can be some of the worst offenders when it comes to our Bi Fam and say some of the most ignorant and devastating things. But I had limited time on my hands and decided to write a short VN instead. Once I let Corey just be, exist as the person he is, everything fell into place.

Things That Went Right...

I took a very niche, very Specific To Me, very nestled in the space between my heart and my brain and wrote a script just so I could be a part of a game jam specifically highlighting and supporting the work of Black game developers.

And I submitted the bitch on time.

I'm always down for anxiety rep!!! As a fellow anxiety haver, I say the more visibility the better!!! At the same time, it's not a one size fits all, and there were some things I dealt with that I'd never seen depicted and I figured I might as well be true to my experiences. Maybe someone would take solace in Corey the way I've taken solace in other characters for reflecting my lived experiences.

I tried new things I was scared of or didn't have time for with HSD or didn't feel confident enough to sit and learn previously: partial voice acting (and holding auditions to incorporate more), a text message system (which wasn't my own but part of learning to code for me means being able to take what others have done and replicate and/or use it myself), and implementing music and sound effects with intention. I've done it with film, but games are a close cousin in a lot of ways. A LOT of ways. I should remember that.

I still didn't do too well in the marketing department but for this game, it didn't feel like a failure. I also didn't really try. Oops. I've got to do better. I went into Crushed knowing it wouldn't have half the audience HSD does, and yet the feedback I've received for Crushed has made me want to break down into tears of relief.

I launched the game around 10 something at night my time and proceeded to be sick with anxiety for about 3 days. For three whole days I legit felt like I was going to die. And then I wanted to laugh because didn't I just make a game to express a version of the human condition?

Things That Were Different...

HSD showed off my skills when it comes to intensive planning and sticking mostly to that plan. Crushed was a jam entry that became more extensive over time and found me flying off the seat of my pants.

I also had less (aha, zero???) budget this time around. Because again. Jam entry. It wasn't supposed to be a Big Affair. But now that it's over and out to you guys, I'm not mad. You could say that it all worked out.

If I Could Go Back, I Would...

For one, I would have smacked the voice in my head that said "let's add more voice acting now". I love the feature, but there's no reason why I couldn't have done auditions after release. I was impatient and restless waiting for art assets, and my idleness led me to take on more things just to not feel useless. I Have Learned My Lesson, thanks.

I Had The Pleasure of Learning...

There will always be an obstacle in the way of game development. (And sometimes your body will be your own worst enemy, yuck.)

I don't know who my audience is (yet) for HBG but I'm always a part of it. And that's not a bad thing. If I hadn't felt so strongly about Crushed or even HSD, neither project would have happened because I would have given up a long time ago.

To the Future...

Empasis on future, but the world of Crushed isn't exhausted. It lives in the bigger universe of HSD:JY but took on a life of its own. So it's no surprise that Corey and his friends became even more precious to me. Not that I know when I'll be able to work on it, but right after finishing and publishing the demo, I outlined a rough draft for a kinetic novel sequel told through Jacob's POV. In my head, Corey's story was always half of a whole, and busting out Jacob's outline so quickly confirmed that.

(What I didn't anticipate was how loved Oke and Keegan would be, or that there would be a want for their story outside of myself??? Between us and this postmortem, I hope to sort out their deal and get the satisfaction of seeing another type of love story/dynamic I can't get enough of and share it!)

Closing Thoughts

The comments I've gotten concerning Crushed and noting the appreciation for its slice-of-life/grounded-ness is reassuring! Maybe I'll branch out to other genres, but realism will be something I always come back to. Also, making Crushed wasn't too traumatic soooooo that means I'm still making games LOL! Can't get rid of me yet!

- Gemini 💛

(some links of other posts where I went on tangents concerning the creation of Crushed; these can also be found by searching the tag "crushed vn"!)

Music Inspo and Crushed

Memes Tag Game

Game Dev Commentary: Bonus Content

[kazoosandfannypacks]

Interview With A Fic Writer

tagged by @kanerallels. You can read her interview here!

How many works do you have on AO3? 62! This does count a couple drabble collections posted as multi-chapter works, too.

What's your total AO3 word count? 301,432 words! I tend to be very verbose in my writings 😂

Your top five stories by kudos/likes:

5. This is (Kinda) The Way ❤ 107 4. Window Seat ❤ 110 3. My Weak Spot ❤ 112 2. Open to Interpretation ❤ 123 1. Wishing it Wasn't, with a whopping ❤ 333 kudos???

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! Comments are one of the biggest things that keep me writing, and I love nothing more than being able to respond to them and tell people how much their comments mean to me!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Aside from drabbles, probably either How Much You Have, (Sabine post-rebels,) The Monsters (Varian and Catalina realizing a bad reputation is hard to shake,) or Poor Little Eugene Fitzherbert, (which is more of a character analysis than anything else.)

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending? This is (Kinda) The Way comes to mind first!

Do you write crossovers? Not yet. I have a REALLY good idea for a Sabezra Camp Half-Blood AU, and I also think a Dracula / The Shuttle fic would be awesome too!

Have you ever received hate on a fic? I don't think so, no? I've had a couple comments of "awww, I was expecting ____," but nothing major, no.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Absolutely NOT!

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Yes, actually. The very first fanfic I ever posted was a Lego Nexo Knights fic I wrote as a teenager and posted as an adult. Sometime later I recieved a comment that said they saw my fic reposted as part of a collection on Wattpad. I made a Wattpad account specifically to confront them, and I asked them to take it down. They said they would, and I checked back often to see if they had, but last time I checked they still hadn't.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope. I have had comments in other languages though, and I always run them through google translate and weep tears of joy. I also sometimes include Mando'a phrases in fics, and once even used them as chapter titles!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? I've started a couple with people, but never really finished any, except for my little brother adding the video game sequences in need a player 2?. The funniest one that me and another person started but never finished was when my church camp friends and I started a fic about a vintage camera one of them had and the person who owns the camera keeps seeing the same person in the background of all of the photos, and he finds that it's one of the members of the Beatles, and he's trying to signal for help because he's been trapped inside the camera for decades.

What's your all time favorite ship? Just one? I'm probably gonna say Bettina Vanderpoel and Lord Mount Dunstan from The Shuttle. I read that book almost a decade ago and it permanently altered my brain chemistry to the point that the first time I got into a relationship, I was disappointed that my then boyfriend didn't have red hair. I read that book in literature class (homeschool) every day for a half hour, but when I got towards the end I was so enthralled in it that I kept reading for three hours and didn't even take a break for lunch. All of the parallels they have with each other make me go FERAL.

What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will? A couple OUaT fics, for sure. One was about Killian telling Henry some stuff about Milah, and another was a series of Soulmark AU fics. There's also a sabezra and kanera fic I was co-writing with someone who I fell out of contact with, and even though she never actually contributed to it, it doesn't feel right to keep telling this story without her.

What are your writing strengths? Flowery, lengthy descriptions, especially of emotions. I'm also pretty good at prose too!

What are your writing weaknesses? I'm not too great at action scenes, but I'm working at it!

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in fics? It would be really cool to do if I knew how to do it well! I would also probably ask someone who speaks the language to help make sure I have it right.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to? I'll probably end up writing JFO fic by the end of the year. I also might end up writing something for my newly discovered and beloved crack pairing, Tristan Wren/Shin Hati. A full-length kanera fic would also be fun to write!

What's your favorite fic you've written?

A few of my favorites I haven't mentioned so far are As the Sun Rose And Seasons Changed, Operation Lunchbreak, and Wildflowers.

Tagging the following to participate as well, if desired! @jessicas-pi @ana-cantskywalker @booksteaandtoomuchtv @kmomof4 and literally anyone else who wants to do this!

[castlebyersafterdark]

It's pretty blatant phallic imagery, how Will turns on Mike and Mike gets turned on by Will

I just wanna have a little natter about hosegate because its beloved for me in this fandom, one of the first things i really fought tooth and nail for, because to me it was fun and actually made me laugh but also giggle and go 'Oop!' when i watched. also my art background means i am aware of historic phallic imagery, and while i can appreciate that many people wouldnt know about that per se, i didnt expect anyone to outright denounce it. if someone told me 'thats actually meant to be a penis' i would laugh and immediately prefer that to whatever it was before hahahaha. plus people have dirty minds, especially young people, its fun and i've never seen anyone say 'stop' unless its a teacher, so i was confused about why people didnt want hosegate to be real. but also, you know that basically every skyscraper is a phallic symbol, right? men have been competing to build the biggest building since time immemorial. there's even a joke about this in shrek of all movies. 'do you think he's compensating for something?'

so yeah i loved that shot, and while i wasn't exactly scouring the show for easter eggs on my first watch, i definitely dropped down to a lower fuzzy brain state while watching the back end of s4. i was so overwhelmed by everything going on that my brain kind of lost track of the big A plot and settled into this dreaming/waking feeling, and i started taking in the minor things instead of the Big Things. Hence, picking up on the hose scene, mainly because that shot of mike is incriminating AF. you don't even need the metaphor of will turning mike on (though it works well considering the specific shape of the tap itself, very penis + testes-like, could have been any other kind off tap but no?) - i think it works well enough to simply suggest that will is sexually attracted to mike. will has been in love all season but this shot cements his physical attraction to mike: the shot is from will's pov; mike is essentially standing there holding his dick in his hand and will is ogling him, seeing him in a new light, and we the audience have a front row ticket to Kneeling In Front Of Mike Wheeler, where will wishes he was. Could easily have shot mike as if from will's pov, that too would have looked sus, although much more like standing next to a dude at a urinal. this shot, as is, is... wild actually. because somehow we're on our knees inside the freezer. VERY specific sequence.

and what's not to love? love me a phallic symbol haha. it's a powerful thing in art.

so yeah, will is in love and sexually attracted to mike. this itself is revelatory for s4, narrative-wise. loved loved loved it. and i think we will get mike's pov version of being attracted to will in s5 with all his other reveals, but i'm happy with hosegate being just for our boy Will.

Yay!

ALL OF THIS! Hosegate is only a gate because people argued about it because some babies managed to watch the show and decided sex is bad. Boo. "I don't believe in hosegate" pedantic, but a gate is a gate in this fandom as lore/theoretical debate or fandom prominence. The scene literally happened! Fighting over it being or not being a sexual reference is the thing, but that's so boring - it just is. Being uncomfortable with that is a personal issue. Take some self reflection!

Anyway, being silly 😊 The Reference as I'll call it. Though there are many in the show (the way Will holds the painting in the van, the drill in shop class, etc.) It's very much about Will as much as Mike, I skipped over that part which you've detailed wonderfully. It's so sad the things people want to ignore to satisfy their agenda of personal discomfort with themselves - it's a show about teenagers but done through quite the intriguing lens of the literal horrors as actual horror. But it's about puberty and coming of age and sexual discovery. Especially for Will. To a point, blatantly about Will. The Reference is very much about his attraction to Mike.

He's a gay teenage boy. I forget the statistic, but some insane figure of how often sex or topics about sex flash through the mind of a teenage boy? It's wild. It's true. Hormones are insane. So of course The Reference is gonna happen, he's probably thinking it! Can we imagine for a second the agony this boy was in, besides all the other stuff going on, with Will already being kind of bottled up and uptight in guarded personality, tye the subject of his love and lust is back in his life, in the flesh, right there. He can touch him, see him, smell him. Will must have been going out of his mind internally. Mike Mike Mike.

All of that to say - love is good, great, important. The future for Byler is going to be about love. But... it's also gotta have the physical angle. That's the determining, differential angle. There's passion and arousal built into their feeling for each other. Something you can see with every other couple in the show, gay or straight. Chemistry. Desire. Attraction. As Steve rightly put it - sexual electricity 😉

[jhrutvija]

People often ask me what it's like being me. They think I have some sort of superpowers and maybe I do but the weight of responsibility that comes with it is so heavy it weighs me down to the point I can feel my neck crushing. I will let u in on my secret I forget things little things ,sad things, happy things, major shit trauma things, I don't know its a curse or a blessing some say it's blessing because even after going through the most gut wrenching ,heart numbing situations I don't remember them at all ,just little bits and parts of it but I like to think it's curse because I want to remember exaxtly how I felt over who made me feel that way ,I want to keep record of every emotion I go through because trust me when u feel the most powerful sensation of lost and hurt its a punch in the gut when u only remember the feeling of hurt not the words that were responsible. So curse it is and this curse has been with me since I was child every time I felt inadequate or stupid or if some kid bullied me and I cried for hours I only remember how I felt in that moment not what the kid said or what his words were which made me cry or who made me feel inadequate or stupid. I don't remember those words only the sensations I'd gone through when it happened and then people assume I wasn't hurt with their words and when they ask which one the things they said did the hurting that is when I can't name them because I lost the memory or don't have any recollection of those exact specific words which hurt me so much I wanted to self harm for forgetting it.

Everyday is a struggle People think I am lazy for not doing my daily chores or if I forget tiny little details which a normal person wouldn't, now tell me how do I explain to u that it's all up in my brain chemistry that of I get signals over there to remember I'll remember every shit u tell me but if I get signals over to skip some details then I won't, it's not in my hand ,if it was I would live a  normal  life like every single one of u where there isn't a constant voice in my head  telling me how it's the world that hates me and I should just die and free the world of my stupidity 

So you people need to know it's something beyond my capacity to explain how it's like being me in short terms you'd die or kill yourself if you were me for just an hour but here I am still very much alive and very much breathing but barely but everything I am doing is happening on its own and I am trying to cope up with it but then if one day my brain shuts off and it decides it's all too much for me to handle and I give up ,don't come over my grave and whisper how it all happened when there were signs right in front of you but you just ignored them because I was too much to handle or it was a waste of time and energy trying ti explain every shit to me or how it's hard to constantly reassure how me being different is something you'd change rather than accept and love me for me the way I was born, don't go up to my parents on my funeral  asking what was the reason, when those reasons were screaming at you asking for help and you just neglected them right in front of my face,  don't go over to my brother asking if there is something you can do because you didn't do shit when it was needed the most, you were just too busy in your own stuff that u looked over my misery and probably laughed behind my back don't go over my grave where  my lifeless body lies and say I wish you were still here ,when in reality I was right there with you trying to understand your troubles,  helping you and so much in love with you that you ignored that I was struggling too I wanted  to give up too but you were so engrossed in your own self that u didn't even care to ask me that if I needed some help because I did I needed so much help but I was too ashamed to ask too guilty because I loved u so much and didn't feel like adding more of my dumb shit over the real ones of yours but guess whose was the real and deep one that it made u attend my funeral not over after living a long happy life like you'd promised me once but in the young youthful time where people discover themselves whilst living their life at, that I took my life just because there wasn't anyone here to listen how loud it had gotten in my head that I'd gone deaf and still could hear it over and over , the only way I'd find some peace was in my grave where it was cold I'd always loved cold It's the  heat i hated and finally I'd had something I'd loved to accompany me in that box where I'll lie down in peace ,so I guess in the end it all turned out good, you got rid of the girl who loved you like it was breathing who was too much for you to handle .I'd finally get to sleep in a sumber with no noise screeching in my head instead feeling chill cold and peace…………………

                ~ hrutvija

                                                                                                                   ~hrutvija 

[fandomfluffandfuck]

😭😭😭 I'm realising that I'm way more into this consumption thing than I thought before. Still isn't sexual for me, I just look at Chris/Seb characters and literally my first thought it I need to eat him.???? Like in my brain I'm just picking him up like a chocolate bar with both hands and downing it in two chomps at max. why is that the visual manifestation of my blorbo brain soup. why.

don't really know if there's a question/ask here so I'll ask you if you've ever felt like wierd about something you liked? (not sad/embarrassed weird, but perplexed wierd, like why do I like this??) no pressure if you don't wanna share too!

hope you have an awesome day!

— 🔪 anon

I was thinking about you the other day because I got a comment on "Stay" that said, "i wish this fic series was a tangible thing so i could eat it /overwhelmingly positive" and I immediately was like, not only do I understand this comment and cherish it, 🔪 anon would love it, lmao.

I love that that's the manifestation of your blorbo brain soup! (Also, I love how you wrote it like that, haha. Plus, don't worry about it not being a question, I do enjoy people popping in just to share.)

That's a really good question, sweetheart! And, damn, I wish I had a good answer for it!

Honestly, I think I'm desensitized to feeling weird about something I enjoy--whether it's sexual or not--at this point. And I can't recall any time where I was like,, this is strange,, what is this? with regards to kink specifically (and it probably makes sense to learn that I was familiar with kinky sex before I realize vanilla sex is normal and real??? 💀 I thought vanilla sex was the censored "pg" version of sex that was only allowed to be shown on TV since "real" sex was too vulgar, lmaooo)

On the sexual side, I have so many kinks and "strange" turn-ons, or I understand different kinks that I don't have personally on an intellectual level, like, ah, yeah, there's power and/or control being exchanged here, so, duh, someone finds it attractive. I can see how that works. Now, when I find something I enjoy that I wasn't expecting, I usually just shrug and go, oh, cool, another one. Add it to the list.

Like, sometimes--because I like reasons and explanations to things, and I like to think that I'm a curious person--I will stew over what about a particular kink or whatever is appealing to me. I never really come up with an answer that's concrete because sexuality is complex and fluid, but it's interesting to ponder. It usually leads me to know more about myself. Even if that greater knowledge is I'm more of a freak than I thought [affectionate] 💀💀

Life is too short to feel weird [in a sad, embarrassed way] about things that make you feel good or the way your brain works. It is what it is. Have a good fucking time with it 🤙🏻

Thanks! I hope yours is good as well!

[aradidnt]

Hello everyone, so I've been meaning to make a post about... something very major in the future, that'll explain further inactivity and because I've been keeping it a secret for a while, especially in this specific website because this is my safe space website, but well... can't ignore it anymore I suppose.

TW FOR: surgery, death mentions, possible E/D mentions but briefly.

so, I've been mute since childhood, not even childhood but since I was a baby, I can't talk, I've been like this my whole life without a voice, I use sign language and writing as a way to talk and communicate to everyone but... yeah as every other disabled person it's difficult, everyone ignores you, everyone treats you like a major burden, it wasn't fun these 18 years treated like this, I don't know what I've done to deserve this treatment from everyone

so eventually, I fell in a deep deep depression and developed an... eating disorder, bulimia to be exact, I've had an eating disorder for over four years now, I looked through pinterest for images to make myself feel guilty for being... me, I thought, since I can't express myself, maybe if I looked like someone else people wouldn't treat me awfully? but unfortunately that ruined my life, and my health. especially my heart.

a few months ago, like let's say three or four, i went to the hospital because I passed out, and apparently, I had gotten heart issues for this, it got so bad to the point of me needing to stay forced awake so my heart doesn't completely stop, they'd wake me up from sleep too so mu heart doesn't stop, luckily after a while I managed to pass that point but, now here comes the therapist and the surgery part

they obviously had a psychiatrist visit me during my hospital days and I wrote down everything and he was very patient and everything, and I heard the news, the very amazing news, apparently since I'm now a legal adult and my body fully developed I can have a surgery to have a voice! I was so so happy... until the doctors said it.

Medialization Laryngoplasty, that's the name, it's basically a special treatment for vocal cords paralysis, but I was too excited to pay any part of the details, I was so happy! I'll finally have a voice! but then.. the doctors said it

there's a 50% chance I could die, if I didn't have... that eating disorder, if I didn't receive heart issues from it I would've been 100% safe from the surgery, especially since it's VERY rare to pass from a surgery like this.

my surgery is on the 15th, aka four days from now on, I never meant for it to end this way but I have hope, I have genuine hope I'll make it, I'll make it and have a voice... but there's always this part in my brain, 50% chance I could die. it means it's very possible. I don't want to die. nobody wants to die.

so this might um... explain further inactivity in the future, because if, and by god forbid it happens, and I actually... die,

I just want to say you guys are amazing, you guys always supported me since day one and my total drama days and I love you all so much, drawing was my number one coping mechanism and you all supported me for it, always liked my art, and I was the happiest person on the planet.

I never meant for it to be this so sudden, and I know I don't owe anyone an explanation but... I could die, I can't die and leave people that mean so much to me concerned about me suddenly disappearing, no one deserves that, all I can wish from amazing people like you is to pray for me and wish me good luck.

my doctor ordered me to delete social media because well, as mentioned above I would often look up girls to make myself feel guilty to starve, and also because of social media stress and anxiety and my heart can't handle it, so um... I'll miss you all so much, and this is a goodbye... for now.

[fact-anonymous]

I'm an introject of a historical figure who was, undeniably, on the wrong side of history. I've mostly accepted that my source was an awful person, & don't feel too bad about it. The only thing that gets to me still is how I can't be open about myself as an introject. I'm too nervous about how others will perceive me. I know many people who say they accept introjects "of all sources", even "problematic" ones. But I'm scared that, even if they won't admit it, there's a limit to how "problematic" my source can be before they start to disrespect me & my system. I fear that people will accuse me and/or my headmates of sympathizing with my source or his beliefs, as if all introjects are formed out of adoration, or because their sources bring comfort to the system. I formed because my system was exposed to information about my source while we were stressed due to new responsibilities. Our brain felt we needed someone new to cope with all of the new stuff we had to due, felt it would be easier to copy something than to make someone from scratch... and now here I am. But of course, people won't assume that. They'll assume someone in the system must like my source, why else would an introject form? And I shouldn't have to prove that that's not the case, I shouldn't have to explain my formation to someone to avoid accusations of sympathy with my source. What caused me to split should be my business & my business only.

It's not just the fear of what others will assume from me that's keeping me from being open, though, it's also the fact that my existence will make people uncomfortable. I've accepted that that's not something I can change, that there will always be people made uncomfortable by me, and they have just as much a right to be uncomfortable as I do to exist. But how I wish it wasn't the case! How I wish I could just say who my source is without having to worry if I'm making those around me uncomfortable! But it's too much of a risk in most spaces. Maybe some all Fact- spaces will be fine with me, but I still worry that others will be uncomfortable, even if they don't mention it to me. Of course, I want to believe that everyone does & should have a right to be open about who they are, but I feel as though I'm an exception.

The most specific I've ever benn about my source with anyone outside of the system is saying that my source is "a historical figure who was a bad person". Once I sent an ask to an ask/submission run introject themed blog (not saying who, I don't want anyone angry at them for this. They didn't mean anything by it, I'm sure.) in which I mentioned that my source was a bad person. They deleted the ask, and then made a post about "how bad they felt for fictives of villians, how hard it must be, poor you, but I accept you!, e.t.c. e.t.c." I had mentioned how my source was a bad person in a lighthearted manner, and I felt my tone demonstrated that I am no longer bothered by this fact. So what's with the pitying? And why did they assume that I'm a fictive? Is it just because fictives tned to be more common (or at least more visible) than factives? Or worse, is it because they didn't want to accept that the person sending them asks had a source whose actions have effected real people, not just fictional characters? Do they, even if it's just subconciously, see introjects (or, if we're being more specific, factives) as their sources, and assume that I must have, at some point, shared morals with my source? I ended up sending in a second ask clarifying: My source is a real person, & denying that he was wrong is irresponsible & just plain wrong, so I had to learn to accept it, which I have. Other than the ask I'm currently typing, that's the only time I've been that open about my source. And I fear that if I had to explain myself after only mentioning that my source was a bad person, how much more will I have to explain if I say how exactly he was bad? If I mention him by name? If I use my real first name, his first name, in the same place I mention anything about my source, & someone figures out who I am?

I'm sure there are people out there who I can be open around. But I believe it's too risky for me to find them. If I try finding people irl, & they don't accept me & decide to tell others, it can effect my life. If I try finding people online, & they don't accept me, they can screenshot it & there will always be a record. Hell, even if they don't take a screenshot there will likely always be a record on some server somewhere.

I don't know how to end this... essay? ...confession? It feels too personal to be an essay, but too long to be a confession, and I don't know what else it would be. Tag it as you see fit, I suppose.

-Blue

hi, Blue, thank you for your patience. accepting yourself is the first step to being comfortable with your existence, and i'm proud of you, happy for you, for doing it 💙

i understand, even if i can't relate, that it's difficult to show yourself in factive/plural spaces when your source has done atrocities. it's valid and really reasonable, imo, to be nervous about it. i'm sorry to hear that people haven't been accepting to you. that even "problematic" spaces haven't respected you. it's not fair that your sheer existence is so risky to show, and I wish it was easier. ;_;

They deleted the ask, and then made a post about "how bad they felt for fictives of villians, how hard it must be, poor you, but I accept you!, e.t.c. e.t.c." And why did they assume that I'm a fictive? Is it just because fictives tned to be more common (or at least more visible) than factives?

as for that blog thing. i don't understand why people use "introject" only for fictives, as if factives don't exist. and yeah, they're more visible, for sure. but people still shouldn't assume that introject always equals fictive.

Or worse, is it because they didn't want to accept that the person sending them asks had a source whose actions have effected real people, not just fictional characters? Do they, even if it's just subconciously, see introjects (or, if we're being more specific, factives) as their sources, and assume that I must have, at some point, shared morals with my source? I ended up sending in a second ask clarifying: My source is a real person, & denying that he was wrong is irresponsible & just plain wrong, so I had to learn to accept it, which I have.

It could be. and a lot of people think it is, i think it might be the effect of capitalism (and stereotypes). where consuming media defines your identity and morality. it manifests in people saying "you're a bad person if you buy from amazon" "you're immoral if you like villains" or "you can't be gay because you don't listen to music that white american gay people like". so they always see introjection as based on media/source consumption, and consumption is based on interest/fandom/comfort, and thus based on support. because that's the stereotypes of plurals - "hyperfixation means introjection". which is NOT true for so many systems!

(we don't split as we're walk-ins, but know you are not alone. a lot of us don't come here based on fandom/interest/comfort... hell, some don't even come from consumption of the associated sources - as in, the brain doesn't know the media/person. we're just here. some of us even make the brain extremely uncomfortable.)

also,, a lot of people have this thing about shame. that we have to be ashamed for existing, have to beat ourselves up for our source's actions to be a Good Factive. but that is a very unfair thing to enforce. you shouldn't have to be ashamed for yourself or be pitied or patronized for your identity. i think it's good that you've accepted yourself and the fact that your source has been harmful to others 💙

They'll assume someone in the system must like my source, why else would an introject form? And I shouldn't have to prove that that's not the case, I shouldn't have to explain my formation to someone to avoid accusations of sympathy with my source. What caused me to split should be my business & my business only.

you are right. introjects do NOT only from from likes/interests/fandom/comfort/support. you are, and do not have to be, like your source morality-wise. your system's morality isn't like them. and you should NOT have to justify your existence and explain why you split. no one else but you is entitled to that info, and i'm glad you know that.

i hope this helps a little. also, I suggest @problematicfactive - they might be able to assist you more on this topic.

all the best, Blue, and please take care of yourself. know that you and your system deserve respect, no matter what.

-mod espresso

[stahri-light]

Happy New Year 2024

I think a lot of you know ( maybe ) that I've been writing Ahri on here ( not this blog specifically ) for a number of years. And been in the RPC for a while before that. Don't even know what my first blog / muse was at this point to be honest. Felt like doing something for the new year. Wasn't sure what... but figured... why not do a little shoutout thing to all the wonderful people making this site fun? Both new faces and old.

I'm grateful for the friends I've made. Not just the ones having stuck with me, but the ones with whom... I've drifted apart over the years. Here's to hoping they're still doing well and succeeding in / with life. Ahh. The memories. And I wish that I could include everyone in this post? But my brain ( and Tumblr too ) would try and pull my spine out my throat. Just yes. A big thankyou to everyone I've ever written with. And the folks that've made me smile.

@rebelquilled / @charmerquilled

Can't really talk about one without mentioning the other, now can I? How long have known each other? I know it has been at least two years. Maybe longer than that since first stumbling across your respective blogs. Wanted to say thank you for... a lot of things. We've had good times and bad. Though you've always stuck with me and took the time to hear me out. Not to mention all the interesting plots / in character interactions we've had. Hopefully just a few of many, many more to come.

@violevin

New friend! New friend! New friend! I simply adore Kira! She seems like such a well thought out and unique muse. Had actually be stalking / admiring her from afar for a bit before breaking down and clicking that 'follow' button. So glad I did. 😁 And just noticed that you put music in most / all your replies and stuff? I love that little detail.

Hope you're enjoying your vacation? Japan in general is actually one of my bucket list vacations. If not the bucket list vacation. I've just always been intrigued by Japanese history / the samurai era. Gotta admit, I'm just a little envious right now.

@seekslight

Softie! Ok... where you get the pen name is obvious. You soft, sweet person, you. We've not done too much in character wise. But really need to change that. What little we have done has been fun. So many muses to write with. My god... how do you even manage to keep all their personalities straight? Nope. Just nope. 100% couldn't do it. Here's to writing together and having fun in the new year!