#i wish i was on the same plane of thought as madness like they live up to their name

[archerygun]

Been thinking about Life on Mars. Not in any deep or meaningful way but like. Imagine being sent back to 1973. They didn’t even have Madness. They didn’t have Madness back then. Can you imagine being English without Madness.

[lxmelle]

Just some thoughts about chapter 236 after reading 261. I’ve talked about it elsewhere but I’m going to post it here too.

The whole North South thing has been a huge thing to unpick. As had been the human and jujutsu pervert thing.

But, after 261, it seems to be about reconciliation - between Gojo’s Human side and his Monster side. Perhaps the ongoing theme for Gojo since his enlightenment - is he Gojo Satoru who is Strong or does being Strong define him as Gojo Satoru?

From that premise, that’s why he talked about himself and emotion with Geto - elaborating on “satisfaction” etc. Nobody else was there when they did. It could be a representation of who is within the line Gojo drew. Others are flowers who couldn’t understand him / he didn’t wish to understand him. (I believe Gojo too didn’t want to be saved but lived since birth as if he were to be the saviour due to six eyes + limitless ). Even if at some point he felt like a creature, he has always only been Geto who he wanted to stand beside him as his best friend. He caught up to him, right? They face in the same direction.

The benches is something to take note of too imho: the symbolism of Nanami & Haibara being on the other side of the benches perhaps is meant to represent the Monster Gojo (ie Strongest Gojo Satoru).

So Nanami and Haibara highlight his perverse, jujutsu mad side. They reflect how he could be viewed, or even what he could’ve become. It’s not nice to hear at all. He worked hard not to be that, hence, I think, his facial expression there. But, Gojo accepts it as a part of who he is too. Geto roasts him and echoes that based on what he admitted - practically having fun fighting the death?? Oh dear 😅 But, it shows how Gojo in death reconciled between his two halves. With the aid of his friends.

The North South thing after 261 seems to be thematically similar - going back to being more Human. Gojo’s monstrous side had fun and he has relinquished the Title of being the strongest. So his choice was to go South because that’s where happiness is for him. He understood that love changed him and that it had allowed him to not be lonely as the strongest in the end, having people around him, having purpose, etc. which he wanted to convey to Sukuna. He could have been a monster / calamity Sukuna but thankfully he knew love and could connect with those “beneath his feet” (this was in direct contrast to Hajime’s battle / convo with Sukuna).

It makes me sad to think that it is possible that this interpretation doesn’t allow for a Shinto-like afterlife and they all have to get onto the plane to reincarnate.

Or. It was really a death fantasy after all... aligned with Bardo Thodol...

…and all we can take comfort in is that Gojo was at peace?

Ah, I’m going to make myself depressed thinking about it 😭 we probably won’t get answers from Gege anytime soon so I’ll stubbornly choose to believe there is a Shinto-like afterlife and if they want to reincarnate they can go meet Emma-O to discuss things - like... you know, reincarnating together 😉

Just my two cents... any thoughts or theories?

[footprintsinthesxnd]

Chapter 2: The Dance

Gale Cleven x Hope Armstrong (ofc)

Series Masterlist

This story is based on on the fictional portrayal of these men from the MOTA to series.

Summary: When their plane is diverted to Thorpe Abbott airfield Hope and Ruth's lives change forever. These two brave nurses must face the trials and tribulations of war, as well as suffering the heartache that war inevitable brings with it.

Collab: A Pair of Silver Wings by @major-mads

Dear Hope,

I hope this letter finds you well and that you have been keeping out of trouble. Hugh finally relented and gave me your address so I apologize for having not written sooner.

I often think of the day that we first met. I have awoken many nights thinking of you and how I wish we could have spoken longer. Forty minutes by air does not seem far and yet you feel as though you are miles from me. I can see why you are named Hope, because since our meeting, and I truly hope there will be other meetings, I feel as though I truly have something worth fighting for. I fear that Johnny also feels the same, I believe your friend Ruth has truly stolen his heart, but rest assured he is a good man and his intentions are pure. He was never the kind of man to write letters or be a one-woman man, but I feel he has changed since going into combat. Your Ruth brings out the best in him, as I feel you bring out the best in me.

I’m sure you have heard of Hugh’s latest antics, if he manages to smuggle any more women onto the base I fear he’ll be court-martialed for disobeying a direct order. Don’t worry I’ll try my best to keep him out of trouble.

I suppose the main reason for my letter is to inform you of the dance being held at the officers club next weekend. I would very much like to take you if you are free. I know Johnny is asking Ruth to go as well, so if you would like I can send a car to pick you up and bring you to the base. Of course, it will be late when the dance ends so I can arrange for you to stay in one of the Red Cross Woman’s Nissan huts, I believe they are well furnished although I have never been inside. I really do look forward to your reply and I hope that you will be able to attend.

You are in my thoughts always Hope.

Yours truly

Gale Cleven

Hope smiled, running her thumb over the crumpled letter as she read Gale’s words again. She had to admit she had thought of him often since their encounter over a week ago, not that she would admit that to Ruth, who somehow managed to bring up Johnny every chance she got.

When their letters came around this morning Hope had pocketed her letter, waiting for a quiet moment in the afternoon to truly appreciate Gale’s words. He had excellent penmanship, she noted, loving how his words seemed to glide across the page. The way he spoke caused her heart rate to quicken and she felt giddy, like a silly school girl with a crush on her classmate. Gale just seemed to have an effect on her that no man had ever had before. He was different from anyone she’d ever met. Hope had never believed in love at first sight, and she couldn’t say that she liked Gale when they first met, he’d been cocky and made assumptions, and yet he’d quickly changed into a charming young man.

Hope sighed, running her eyes over the letter again. It was 17:55 and Ruth was supposed to be meeting her at 18:00, but from the sound of the rain lashing against the windowpane, Hope hoped she’d be a little late. After receiving his letter, Hope wanted time to stand still, wanting to embrace his words and all that they meant. Hope had just finished reading the last line again when Ruth burst through the doorway. Hope didn’t look up but could hear her friend padding barefoot around the room.

"Who's the letter from?" Ruth asked, pulling on a pair of dry pants, a sweater, and some socks. Her footlocker closed with a thud and she plopped down on her creaky mattress, drying the ends of her hair with a towel.

Hope didn't look up from the page but held up an unopened letter. "You got one, too. You should open it."

"Not right now," Ruth sighed. "Right now, I need a nap."

Glancing at her with a raised eyebrow, Hope grinned. "It's from a certain Major."

In an instant, Ruth was on her feet, snatching the letter from Hope’s outstretched hand.

"If you'll excuse me," she said calmly as she excused herself for a moment.

Hope smiled in amusement as she watched Ruth try to contain herself from exploding with happiness. Chuckling at her antics, Hope returned her attention to her own letter.

The next thing Hope knew was the excitable squeal that left Ruth’s lips, “WE’RE GOING TO A DANCE!” She cried, her face lighting up like a Christmas tree, jumping up and down like an excitable child. Hope chuckled at her friend's enthusiasm, taking great delight in her friend's happiness. With everything they had been through together, they deserved to have some fun. Ruth’s jumping slowly came to an end, and the situation dawned on her.

Ruth's voice dropped to a whisper, and her eyes widened. "We're going to a dance."

Hope knew what was coming, and stood off her bed, grabbing onto her friend's upper arms gently.

"You're going to be fine, Ruth."

"I don't know, Hope. You know I don't like huge crowds," she replied.

The dark-haired nurse sighed. "Do you want to see Bucky? Yes or no?"

"Yes!" Ruth replied within a split second.

A satisfied grin worked its way onto Hope's lips as she spoke. "There's your answer."

She pulled Ruth into a tight hug, her own excitement showing through. "What are we going to wear?”

Dear Gale,

How excited I was to receive your letter. I feared my brother would be cantankerous and not share my address with you, but alas he must think you are a good man.

I would very much like to accept your invitation to the dance. I fear I have not danced for a while so my technique may not be perfect but I do very much look forward to seeing you again. I hear that Johnny is the life and soul of the party so I’m hoping he will help bring Ruth out of her shell. It means I will be free to enjoy myself without worrying Ruth is feeling left out.

I feel that in these trying times it is important to have something or someone to fight for, and I am pleased I am able to give you hope. I feel that since meeting you I often find myself wondering if we are sharing the same sky while I am in the air. What a peculiar thought really, but it is true.

I look forward to seeing you again very soon Gale. I will think of you fondly.

Hope

Gale rolled his eyes, looking over at his friend from his bed, which sat across the aisle of the officer’s hut. “I never said she didn’t.” Gale was only half listening to Bucky, too enthralled by his own letter from Hope to truly listen to his friend's conversation.

Sitting up against the wall, Bucky pointed at him. “I’ve got to show her my singing skills at the dance.”

The hut instantly broke out in complaints, each man having already heard the Major’s singing voice. “Please, Bucky,” Curtis called out. “Spare the girl some embarrassment. She’s already going as your date. That’s enough right there.”

Gale found himself trying to withhold a laugh but failed, snorting loudly and himself a glare from John.

“Laugh it up, Buck. You’re just gonna have to watch Ruth and I have fun while you sit in the corner with Hope. Does she know you don’t like to have fun?”

“Wait. My sister Hope?” Hugh piped up from the corner. He’d been reading a magazine and had been oblivious to the conversation until his sister was mentioned. His eyes now bright and his forehead creasing in concern.

“Oh, two can play at that game, Bucky,” Gale scoffed, choosing to ignore Hugh. “I’m gonna be the one sitting your crazy ass down when you start to act up. I can’t let you scare Ruth off before she gets the chance to know you.”

Narrowing his eyes playfully, Egan nodded and put down the letter. “I appreciate the vote of confidence, Buck.”

“Now wait a minute,” Hugh interrupted, his brows furrowed as he pointed to the two majors. “You two are taking Hope and Ruth to the Officer’s Club dance?”

“Yes,” they both responded at the same time.

Hugh ran a hand down his face with a sigh. “Great. You four are not leaving my sight.”

“Come on, Charlie,” Bucky laughed. “We’re not that bad.”

His eyes widened as he turned toward the Major. “Oh really? Tell that to the bar owner in Greenland.”

Groaning, Johnny sunk back down in his bed and tried to keep that rowdy night from his head. Gale just grinned, recalling the look on the bartender's face when he’d delivered the unicorn. He wished he’d been there to see the incident in person but then again the stories of the night were bad enough.

He ran his thumb over Hope’s letter again, folding and unfolding the corner as he read the letter again, imprinting the words on his brain. He could almost hear her talking to him and found himself lost in his thoughts once more.

Saturday, July 31st, 1400 HRS: AAF

Grove, Berkshire

Hope looked at herself in the mirror for what felt like the hundredth time that afternoon. Despite having decided what to wear as soon as she’d read Gale's letter, she had managed to change her dress four times, before returning to her original choice.

She had to admit she looked quite pretty. Her dark hair pinned in neat rolls and the rest of her hair hanging loose in delicate curls, and she was thankful that the rain had finally stopped a few days before otherwise they really would be in trouble. Her makeup was simple yet elegant and her red lips turned up into a smile. Smoothing the creases out of her red dress she moved to the door, taking one last deep breath and putting her confident face on before stepping out.

“Now ladies, I want you to be safe tonight, be smart and don’t do anything stupid, alright?” Frank gave them yet another pep talk, adopting the worried older brother character.

“Frank, we’ll be fine,” Hope reassured him, patting him lightly on the shoulder. “You’ve met the boys, they’re good, honest men.”

Frank snorted, “Your Major Cleven might be, but the other one, well… just keep an eye on Ruth, would ya?”

Hope laughed, nodding in agreement, “I promise I’ll look out for her, Frank. I always do.” Hope turned, moving to get into the car where Ruth was already waiting, her knees bouncing nervously.

“Oh Hope, I got you these. Use them if you have to but try not to need them.” Frank threw a few packets through the window at the girls as the car moved off.

“What did he give you?” Ruth asked, unable to move her eyes away from the road ahead.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Hope replied, quickly shoving the packets of condoms into her bag and out of sight, her cheeks blushing bright red at just the thought.

1715 HRS: Thorpe Abbotts AAF Base, Norwich

Gale and John were sitting on their beds, finally sitting down after pacing up and down for the last hour listing all the reasons why the girls might not show.

“You two are being ridiculous, those girls aren’t like other women. They wouldn’t tell you they're coming and then not show,” Hugh had reassured them, after Curtis had begun grumbling about the state of the floor in the officer's hut.

“There won't be any floor left if you two don’t stop your God damn pacing.” John just glared at Curtis but Gale was inclined to agree with him.

“Curtis’ probably right, you know,” Gale fell backward onto his bed with a loud huff, the back of his dress uniform jacket would probably be creased when he stood up, but for the moment he just wanted to lie down and try to calm his nervous heartbeat. Johnny continued his pacing and eventually, Hugh and Curtis gave up and left the hut, moaning under their breaths about the Major’s ridiculous behavior.

————————————————————————

It felt as though they had been waiting for hours when the car’s dipped headlights finally appeared outside their window, causing both men to jump off the bed and in a frenzied panic straight up each other’s uniforms and check their hair in the mirror before dashing outside.

“Buck, move it,” Johnny tried pushing past his friend but Gale stuck his arm out to stop him.

“Calm down, John. Alright, we don't want to run at them and scare them off.” Both men took a deep breath before casually stepping out of the wooden door as if they were going for an evening stroll and hadn’t been pacing for hours.

“Why hello ladies,” Bucky yelled, trudging through the mud to the car. The windows were down, and they could see the girls’ conversing inside. “Don’t you both look stunning.”

Hope scoffed at John’s compliment but couldn’t help but smile as she was the grin that instantly grew on Ruth’s face when she looked his way. He ran a hand through his hair and leaned his elbows against the car's open window frame, taking in Ruth’s appearance.

Ruth grinned up at him, her dimples making an appearance. “Hello there, Major.”

“Ms. Morgan,” he greeted, before stepping back and opening the door for her. Offering her a hand, John helped Ruth out of the car, taking her hand and kissing her knuckles gently.

Hope stepped out from behind Ruth, and Gale rushed to help, taking her hand and carefully guiding her past the muddy puddle beside the car.

“You look gorgeous,” Gale spoke quietly in his normal soft spoken tone, which Hope felt was almost like a whisper in comparison to his friend's loud, outgoing nature.

“Thank you,” she gave him a small courtesy, blushing under his intense gaze, and instantly regretted her actions but her anxiety was eating away at her. She’d secretly been worrying about this evening since they had been invited, although she would never have let on to Ruth how she truly felt.

Gale pulled her closer to his side, when he noticed Hope shiver. He didn’t know whether he was being too presumptuous but he pressed a delicate kiss to her cheek, and Hope had to do everything in her power to stop her knees from shaking. ‘It was only fair, she kissed him last time’ Gale thought to himself.

“Well Ladies, your chariot awaits,” John motioned to the Willys jeep that was parked beside the Nissen hut.

“We have to go in that?” Hope asked, he eyes shooting from the jeep to Gale and back again, before tailing down to her pale blue dress that was most certainly going to be filthy by the end of the drive.

“It could be worse, I could have made us ride the bikes,” Bucky laughed, throwing his arm over Ruth’s shoulder, as he led her toward the jeep.

“I’ll have to take you on a bike ride. Buck here isn’t as talented of a rider than me, so you’re lucky. See, he hasn’t ridden in the pitch black all the way from Dickleburgh in the pouring rain half-drunk, so… ” He trailed off, realizing he probably shouldn’t have said that.

Hope couldn’t help but laugh at John’s antics, knowing that his light humour would help ease Ruth’s nerves. Gale smiled shyly, linking his arm through Hope’s, “You see what I have to put up with?” Hope nodded, watching as John chatted enthusiastically to Ruth. “The bikes would definitely be worse,” he assured her and Hope laughed in amusement.

“Yes, I can imagine they are.”

“I looked like a wet dog by the time I got back. Could’ve given Meatball a run for his money.” John laughed and Hope looked at Gale confused. She sometimes wished Gale didn’t take up all of her attention so she knew what was being discussed, but then looking up into his deep blue eyes she soon realised why.

“Meatball?” Ruth asked.

“Meatball’s a husky Demarco picked up in Greenland. He’s kinda the 100th’s mascot. The dog’s-”

“That damn dog is pure wolf and is nothing but trouble. The damn thing howls like a banshee in the Fort,” Buck interrupted as he and Hope got into the backseat of the jeep.

Settling into the driver's seat, John threw an arm over Ruth once again. “Come on, Buck,” he groaned, looking back at the Major in the rearview mirror. “He’s adorable.”

“Not when he jumps on your bed soaking wet at 3 am.” Hope gave Gale a sympathetic look and he grimaced back at her. Hope had always been a dog person and she was sure she’d love Meatball but she too wouldn’t have been impressed with that kind of wake-up call.

This Meatball seems like a character,” Ruth beamed, “I’d like to meet him.”

Johnny raised his eyebrows, tilting his head down toward her. “I think that can be arranged.” He then turned over the ignition and brought the jeep to a rumble. “You dodos ready?” he asked the group, a mischievous smile on his lips.

Taking a deep breath, Gale made eye contact with his friend, knowing immediately what was in store for them and instantly regretting not taking Hope on a lovely, romantic bike ride. “Bucky, please don’t kill-”

Before he could finish, the jeep was flying forward, its tires spraying mud behind them as they took off. John laughed loudly and tightened his grip on Ruth’s shoulder, pulling her closer against him. Gale did the same, and Hope was suddenly very grateful for their close proximity as she hung on for dear life. Hope wasn’t normally motion sick, having been used to Frank’s dangerous flying but this was something else. The jeep flew passed other airmen on their much-slower bikes.

”You’re crazy!” Ruth cried, shaking her head at John’s antics to which he just cackled.

The jeep jostled around in the mud as they rode, and after hitting, caused Hope to clutch onto Buck’s dress uniform jacket, tugging at the front. She no longer cared how precarious this situation looked, clutching desperately onto Gale like she was trying to rip his clothes off. Gale chuckled in amusement, pulling her closer to his side.

“It’s okay,” he whispered into Hope’s ear, “I’ve got you.”

Hope shivered as his breath tickled her neck, her heart pounding in her chest. Her eyes were trained on Ruth, who was desperately holding onto Bucky and as soon as she latched onto him, Bucky let off the gas slightly, slowing down to a normal speed. He wore a proud smirk, but didn’t take his eyes off of the road.

Hope relaxed a little, apologising to Gale, as she loosened her grip on him but he didn’t let go of her, continuing to hold her close to his side, seemingly very pleased with the situation.

‘God, this man is going to be the death of me’ Hope cursed, under her breath causing Gale to look down at her confused.

“What was that?” Buck called over the din of the jeeps engine, a crooked smile on his lips and Hope prayed that he hadn’t heard her.

“Oh nothing,” she replied, but Buck just smirked at her and she was almost certain he’d heard her.

Ruth and Bucky were laughing in the front and Gale chuckled at their antics. “Well, they seem to be getting on well.”

“They do,” Hope agreed, a smug smile on her lips. She knew this would be good for Ruth and it was lovely to see her enjoying herself. Although the squabbling over baseball from the front seat seemed to say otherwise.

Hope leant over to Gale, “Is Bucky a Yankees fan by any chance?” Gale nodded and Hope tutted, “Oh dear, that could be a deal breaker.”

Gale laughed, “ Please don’t tell me your obsessed with baseball too?”

Hope snorted, turning in her seat to face him, “Not a chance. I grew up with Hugh, remember? When you’ve had to listen to him blabbing about the St. Louis Cardinals every day for the last twenty odd years you wouldn’t be a fan either.”

Gale smiled softly at her, reaching forward to brush a stray hand away from her face, “Well then, I have a feeling we are going to get along nicely.”

The jeep rumbled to a stop in front of a large building, the sound of music and laughter already reaching their ears. Placing the car in park, Bucky turned toward her, his signature raised eyebrow grin adoring his lips. “I have my ways,” he winked.

John chuckled and grabbed Ruth’s hand gently, helping her out of the jeep, before Gale followed suit, helping Hope straighten out her dress.

Gale took Hope’s dainty hand in his much larger one, before tucking her into his side once more. Hope had never felt so safe as she did right now and she never wanted that to change. If only I could freeze us in this moment forever’ she thought as Bucky spoke, “Shall we?”

Ruth turned around to spare Hope a look and she grinned at her friend in return before glancing up at Gale who was already beaming back at her.

“Are you ready?” He asked, leaning into her. She grinned, nodding her head enthusiastically.

“Very ready. Although I haven’t danced in so long, you'll have to be patient with me.” Buck swallowed hard, nodding his head slowly. How was he supposed to break the news that he doesn’t dance, to the woman he invited to a dance?

John and Ruth were in front of them, and Hope reached out and squeezed her friend’s hand with a nod. Sometimes she just needed a little extra push in situations like these. Seeing the interaction, Bucky’s heart warmed in his chest at the realization that the girls’ friendship was much like his and Buck’s.

“You hear that, Buck?” John remarked, raising an eyebrow at the man. “She thinks I’m handsome.”

Gale rolled his eyes, reaching for the door when John flung them both open. “Whatever, John.”

The soft music carried through the night and when John threw open the door to the officers club, they were drawn in by the pleasant voice of Ella Fitzgerald blaring from the record player in the corner. The band was on a break and they had gathered around the bar, a few of them still with their instruments in hand. John led the group through the crowd of pilots and their dates to the dance hall, which was not yet full. Most of the couples were at the bar getting a drink to loosen up after a hard week. The 100th flew six missions in the past six days, so needless to say, the men needed a break.

“Come on, I want to introduce you to the Red Cross girls you’ll be staying with tonight. They’re a nice group, I promise,” Gale reassured Hope and Ruth, leading them towards a small group of women who were chatting in the corner.

“Good evening Ladies, this is Hope and Ruth,” Gale introduced them, motioning for Hope and Ruth to step forward. A chorus of ‘good evening Buck’ followed from the smiling women and Hope could help the pang of jealousy blooming in her chest as they smiled widely at her date. She knew Buck was a charming man, as well as very handsome and she suddenly feared that she wasn’t his only girl. Buck’s arm soon found its way to her hip, squeezing it gently and Hope cursed herself for being so insecure before.

“Hello,” Hope thrust her hand forward and several of the women shook it in return. Ruth was a little more reserved, giving the ladies a wave and a smile from her position between John and Hope.

“It’s lovely to meet you two.” One of the women spoke up, her dark curls bouncing on her shoulders and her kind eyes gleaming. “I’m Helen, and this is Tatty,” she gestured to the shorter woman beside her.

Tatty grinned and raised an eyebrow at Ruth. “You keep a close eye on this one, Ruth,” she chuckled. “The Major’s known to start trouble.”

Ruth peered up at him cheekily, her lip quirking into a smirk. “He’s said he’s gonna on his best behavior.”

As John opened his mouth to respond, Buck smacked his chest. “I’m gonna make sure of that, don’t worry.”

The small group broke out into snickers and Johnny smacked Gale on the back as he playfully glared at him, the women continuing their conversation while the men ribbed each other. The Red Cross women were warm and friendly, making Hope and Ruth feel instantly safe and included among them. The duo shared a glance and knew they were going to get along well with these ladies.

“Sorry girls but I’m gonna be stealing Ruthie from you now,” Bucky interrupted, leaning down toward the group with raised brows before clutching her hand and pulling her away from the conversation. She waved goodbye and followed him through the crowd, her dark dress swishing with each step.

Gale stepped up next to Hope, “I’ll also be stealing Hope from you, ladies, but I’m sure we’ll all be seeing each other later on.” He thanked the girls and earned himself a few low whistles as they watched him walk away.

Hope giggled, watching the blush creep up his cheeks. “Come on you must have plenty of women flirting with you,” Hope pried, hoping she wouldn’t step on his toes but also curious. Gale was a mysterious man and Hope did enjoy a challenge, Gale was a mystery she was hoping to crack.

Gale grinned, turning briefly to look at Hope, “I have some but none have caught my attention… not until… you, Hope.” Gale couldn’t meet Hope’s eyes and the flush that spread up from Hope’s chest caused her breath to catch in her throat. Could a man such as Major Gale Cleven truly be interested in a nurse like her? From the look on his face, apparently, he could.

Gale popped over to the bar, while Hope found a table, draping her coat and bag over the back of the chair. She could see Hugh from across the hall and waved at him but he seemed too preoccupied chatting to Curt and several women to notice her. Gale came back with a gin and lemonade and a ginger beer.

“ I see Sparky’s got his entertainment for the evening. I swear if he tries to smuggle any more women into the officers hut it might as well be renamed a brothel,” Gale laughed and then remembered the company he was in. Luckily, Hope laughed too, obviously well aware of her brother's antics.

“That’s a new nickname, Sparky. How’d he manage to get that one?”

Gale took a long sip from his drink, his forehead wrinkling as he mulled over the question, “Well, Bucky had a problem with his jeep last week so our engineer over there said ‘Don’t you worry, Bucky I’ll fix it for you’. So Hugh’s there under the bonnet cursing and moaning, pulling things around before he tells Bucky to turn on the ignition. So Bucky’s there trying and trying to start this thing. Curtis comes along asking what the matter is and your brothers only gone and left the spark plug on the floor. Put it back in and the jeep was working, good as new.”

Hope could no longer contain her embarrassment, running her hand down her face, as she tried to contain her laughter. “Oh no. I swear his not normally that bad. I promise. He’s generally a very good engineer.”

Gale chortled, “I’ll take your word for that.”

Trying to change the subject away from her brother’s embarrassing behaviour, Hope noticed Gale wasn’t drinking alcohol. “You don’t drink?” Hope asked, taking a sip from her drink and enjoying the satisfying burn as it slipped down her throat mixed with the bubbles of the lemonade.

“No, never do,” Gale replied plainly, linking his hand with Hope’s across the table they were seated at. Hope smiled back at him, worried that she’d ruined the mood but too curious to leave it there.

“How come?” Once again Hope found herself prying when she should know better. Gale stayed silent for a moment and Hope wondered if she really had put her foot in it this time.

“My dad drank… a lot when I was a kid, and he liked sports. He liked to bet,” Gale trailed off, his eyes glazing over as he stared straight ahead. Hope nodded, understanding the situation, and squeezed his hand reassuringly, bringing Gale back to the present. He smiled weakly at her.

“So, tell me about yourself. What was young Hope Armstrong up to before the war?”

Hope laughed, “I wouldn’t say young. I’ll be twenty four in September.”

Gale laughed, “Good to know. I’ll add the date to my diary.” The pair broke into a fit of laughter. “But seriously, tell me about yourself.”

Hope pondered for a few seconds, debating what she should reveal to him, “Well, I was born in Missouri. I went to Stephens Junior College for Women in Columbia where I study biology and I worked as an orderly in the local hospital. It’s where I decided to become a nurse,” Hope paused, noticing how Buck was watching her intently, seemingly hanging off every word. He genuinely seemed interested in what she was telling him, which surprised Hope. Most men only asked the question on autopilot and didn’t really care what response they got. “I started my nursing training four months before the war started in Europe. I qualified in ‘42 and I signed straight up for flight nurse training.”

Gale nodded, taking a sip of his ginger beer, “and then you met Ruth?”

Hope shook her head, “No I didn’t meet Ruth until December ‘42 when we were paired together. They wanted someone more senior with the less experienced nurses and because of my previous hospital experience and an extra year training apparently I was senior,” Hope laughed. It had always amused her that she was the younger nurse but also the senior one.

Gale nodded, “And that was the birth of the ‘Skytrain Girls’.” Hope laughed but Gale just nodded, “It’s what Hugh calls you.”

“Of course he does,” Hope sighed. “So now it’s your turn. Tell me about the infamous Gale Cleven.”

Gale chuckled, “Okay… well I was born on 27th December 1918 in Lemmon, South Dakota. I was at the University of Wyoming but I left my studies to become a bomber pilot. That’s where I met Bucky, in flight school. It’s where I became Buck.” He laughed. Hope’s forehead creased as she thought over Gale’s words.

“So he named you after himself?”

“Not quite. Apparently I look like a guy called Buck back in Wisconsin.” The pair found themselves laughing once more and any nerves that Hope had were quickly being diminished. Talking with Buck was easy and she found her heart rate increased as Gale’s eyes met hers once more.

Their eye contact was broken when John fell into the chair beside Hope, an almost-full pint of beer in his hand.

Hope scanned the area, noticing the absence of her friend. “Where’s Ruth?”

“In the restroom,” Bucky replied, his eyes drifting to the stage.

Gale watched him carefully noting the thoughts behind his stare, “How’s it going, John?”

He took another gulp of his pint, wiping the foam off his mustache as he raised his eyebrows and spoke enthusiastically. “You know she’s a teacher?”

Hope nodded, her smile widening as she watched the man get excited about Ruth. “Yep. She loves music, too, and I’ve heard you might have a slight thing for it.”

Without a word, he fell back against the chair, his gaze looking up at the ceiling. “Buck, Buck, Buck. Don’t let me drop the ball on this one.” He looked over at the other major, the corners of his eyes crinckled as he smirked. “That was a sports reference if-”

“I know what it means, John.”

A few moments of silence passed between the trio, and Hope was about to speak when Johnny beat her to it. “Buck, do you think I should sing?” John looked at the pair, deadly serious, and waited for Gale’s response.

“No, you said you’d be on your best behavior. Remember? What happened to five seconds ago with “not dropping the ball?” Gale gave his friend a sideward glare, still looking at Hope. John went to stand up and Gale’s arm flew out, shoving him back down in his seat. “What did I tell you, Bucky? You said you really like Ruth, so don’t screw things up with her.”

“Yeah, but she’ll like my singing, right Hope?” Hope knew John meant well, but she also knew what Ruth was like, she hated being embarrassed unless she wasn’t the only one being embarrassed. It didn’t really make sense, but it was just how it was for the blonde. Things weren’t as bad as long as she wasn’t alone.

“How about I sing with you?” Hope suggested, looking Bucky dead in the eye. A wide grin spread across the pilot's face and he nodded enthusiastically.

“See Buck, ya girl knows how to have fun. Too bad she’s stuck with you,” Johnny quipped before chugging the rest of his pint.

Gale’s face seemed to drop and Hope squeezed his hand again, “Hey, I don’t have to do this…”

But the smile quickly returned.

“No, no, you go for it. Knock ‘em dead, Beautiful.” Hope grinned, quickly downing the rest of her drink and taking John’s hand as he led her across the crowded dance floor to the microphones in front of the orchestra.

An uptempo, big-band version of “It Had to be You” filled the air as they got positioned at the front of the room. As soon as the guys saw Bucky step behind the mic, they collectively groaned, knowing what was coming. Hope swayed to the beat as she waiting for their queue, and a wide grin formed on her lips when she looked over to see Gale shaking his head at her, unable to hide his own smile. Stuck in the moment with Buck, she missed the queue, but Johnny sure didn’t. The second his loud voice filled the dance hall, she instantly realized why Buck had been so adamant against the Major singing. She had to stop herself from bursting out into laughter as he began to sing while animatedly dancing to the music.

“It had to be you,

It had to be you.”

Hope then joined in, her sweet voice making Johnny’s more bearable. From his position in the corner, she could see Gale’s eyes widening at hearing her sing for the first time.

“I wandered around and finally found

The somebody who,

Could make me be true,

Could make me be blue,

Or even be glad, just to be sad,

Thinking of you.”

The nurse’s eyes wandered the crowd for a moment, but Gale’s infectious smile dragged her back back to him. at her as she sang them.

“Some others I’ve seen,

Might never be mean,

Might never be cross,

Or try to be boss,

But they wouldn’t do.”

From the corner of her eye, she saw Bucky reach a hand out to the crowd, and when she looked closer, she realized he was pointing to Ruth, who stood in the back of the crowded hall with a blissful dimpled smile. The look of pure adoration on her friend’s face sent a surge of happiness through Hope. She hadn’t seen the blonde so happy for as long as she could remember.

Somehow, the rowdy and boisterous man beside Hope was able to bring out the person that she’d been trying to since they’d met.

“For nobody else gave me a thrill,

With all of your faults, I love you still,

It had to be you,

Wonderful you,

It had to be you!”

Hope decided to let Johnny have the grand finale and stepped back from the microphone. Based on the performance so far, she knew whatever was coming would be good.

“Baby, It had to be you,

Wonderful you,”

As the last note approached, Johnny extended his arms wide, sweeping them through the air in a grand gesture. The men were used to his antics at that point, so they were prepared, but everyone else’s eyes were on him expectantly.

“IT HAD TO BE YOUUU!” he belted out, his strained voice overpowering the music, causing a mix of groans and laughter to ripple through the crowd.

As the final notes of the song faded away, the room erupted in applause and cheers, most of them just glad Johnny was getting off the stage. He motioned to Hope and she took an elaborate bow, swishing her dress to the side and blowing a kiss to Buck, who caught it and held it against his chest. John then took a theatrical step back from the microphone, raised one arm high in the air, and with a dramatic flare, bowed deeply to the crowd. Hope took this as her sign to escape, scurrying off the stage and into the arms of her awaiting Major.

“You have the most beautiful voice,” Gale spoke softly, although no one around them would hear the news of John on stage.

“Thank you,” she whispered back, enjoying the burning sensation of Gale’s hand on her lower back. “Do you want to go outside where it’s quieter, I can’t hear myself think?” Hope suggested and Gale nodded, leading her through the crowds of people, his hand never once leaving her back.

————————————————————————

The cool evening air bit at her bare arms and she suddenly wished she hadn’t left her coat on the table. Gale noticed and instantly removed his dress uniform jacket, draping it around her shoulders.

“Can’t have a beautiful lady, such as yourself, getting frostbite now can I,” Buck joked, causing Hope to laugh at his chivalry.

“I hardly think I’m gonna get frostbite, Gale. It’s July,” Hope laughed, but seeing the way Gale’s face dropped broke her heart. “I don’t mean that I don’t want your jacket though… because I do. I’m glad you offered me your jacket. I really do appreciate it,” Hope stumbled over her words, cursing her anxiety but Gale just smiled, running his thumb over her cheek and tucking the stray hairs behind her ear.

Gale’s eyes suddenly diverted to the sky and he pointed upwards, just in time for Hope to see a shooting star, “Make a wish, Beautiful,” Gale whispered in her ear. Hope found herself wishing that the night would never end, that she could stay in Gale’s arms where they were safe forever. It was just a dream, and no sooner had the star appeared it was gone.

“What did you wish for?” Gale asked, noting the sadness that adorned her features, but Hope shook her head.

“If I tell you it won’t come true.”

“Well, we can’t have that then, can we? Especially if it was a good wish,” he uttered, his voice low and his eyes looking dark in the shade of the moon.

“It was a good wish,” Hope assured him. She reached up, running her thumb over his cheek.“I could just stare at you forever,” she whispered, enjoying how Gale’s eyes closed and he exhaled deeply into her touch.

“I don't ever want this night to end,” he murmured against her lips before leaning in. Hope had imagined kissing his lips before, how they might feel against hers, what he’d taste like. In reality it was so much better, not only did his lips mold perfectly to hers, but his hands came to rest on her hips pulling her flush against his chest as their hearts pounding in sync with each other.

“I hate to move too fast or be presumptuous, but never want to kiss anyone else for as long as I live,” Gale admitted, nuzzling his nose into her collarbone, sighing softly. His breath tickled but Hope pulled him closer, running her fingers through his blond locks and scratching at his scalp.

“Well it's a good thing you won't have to then,” she smiled into the night, enjoying Gale’s content sighs as she continued to stroke his hair, “Because you can kiss me for as long as you want to.”

“Hope? Is that you?” Hugh bellowed, rushing out from the side door of the hall, her bag clutched in his hand, the pair’s best friends on his heels. Ruth grimaced at the sight, and John pursed his lips, his moustache raising slightly.

Gale pulled away quickly but left his hand resting on her hip as he assessed the situation.

“Sparky, what’s got you in such a tizz?” He laughed and instantly regretted it when several condom packets went flying towards his face.

“Don’t you Sparky me, Asshole!” He hissed at Gale before turning towards Hope. “What the hell are you doing with these, Hope? Did he give them to you?” Hugh demanded, fist clenched at his side as Hope gathered up the packets, shoving them deep into her coat pocket. Her face was on fire and she couldn’t bear to turn to see Gale’s expression.

“So that’s what Frank gave you,” Ruth muttered under her breath from beside Johnny, whose expression morphed into one of amusement. Buck was always so straight-laced, and John found it humorous to see his friend in such a situation. Despite this, he was ready to step in at any moment to break up anything before it got out of hand.

“I wasn’t going to use them. They aren’t even really mine! Frank made us take them to be safe, but Hugh, I swear it’s not what it looks like,” Hope pleaded, removing herself from Gale’s side to go to her brother. “Hugh, I swear, I just shoved them in my bag on the way.”

She stopped for a minute, eyeing her brother suspiciously.

“Hang on, why are you going through my bag?” The nurse snapped, grabbing the small leather purse from his hands.

“You always carry first aid stuff with you and I cut my finger on some broken glass,” Hugh admitted sheepishly, holding up his bloodied finger. Sighing, Hope took hold of her brother's hand and assessed the damage.

“I do have some stuff in my bag,” she sighed again. “Go inside and wash your hands. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Watching her brother sheepishly retreat, Hope’s gaze moved to Ruth’s. The blonde sent her a raised brow, but Hope just rolled her eyes and shook her head. Ruth grinned at the realization she wasn’t the one with the rosy hue on her cheeks for once. From above her, John smirked and winked at Gale, who shot a ‘I can’t deal with you right now’ glare back at him. Taking that as their queue to leave, he tugged Ruth over to the door and held it open as she walked through, giving the couple one last glance before shutting the door behind him.

Hope turned to Gale, her eyes full of tears and her cheeks red from embarrassment. Gale just opened his arms up, pulling her into a hug and kissing her forehead.

Hope mumbled into his chest, “I hope you’re not disappointed that I said I didn’t want to… you know… tonight.”

Gale just chuckled, kissing her forehead once more, “not at all. We only met just over a week ago. I’d never expect anything like that from you until you’re ready.” He was unphased by the situation and just held her for a little longer, until Hope decided it was probably time to patch up her brother.

“Come on, I can’t have you going back inside on your own.” Gale linked his arm through hers but Hope didn’t move.

“Could we stay out here a little longer?” She asked, biting her lip and Buck had to stop his sudden intake of air as he looked at her in the moonlight.

Her hair hanging loose in curls around her face, her big brown eyes looking at him nervously.

“Of course,” Buck reassured her, bringing her back into his chest for a hug. The music from the officers club drifted outside through the night and the music of Glenn Miller filled the darkness. Hope found herself swaying in Gale’s arms and he swayed along with her, his hand moving to the small of her back.

As they swayed together Hope couldn’t help but chuckle, “And to think that you said you don’t dance.”

Gale laughed, looking down at the beautiful woman in his arms, “Well, maybe I just needed to find the right partner.”

The night soon came to an end, the music dying down and the airmen and their dates eventually scattering across the base.

After patching up a rather embarrassed Hugh, who couldn’t apologise enough and was eventually escorted away by an amused Curt, Hope spent the rest of the evening cradled in Gale’s arms. They had spent the last half an hour swaying slowly to the music that played softly through the window and chatting quietly until 11 pm came and the music died down.

“I suppose we should start heading back to the Red Cross barracks,” Gale whispered slowly even to Hope’s ear and she reluctantly pulled away, nodding sadly.

“I don’t want this night to end. I’ve never had an evening like this with a man such as yourself,” Hope spoke softly, causing Gale to smile and her sudden shyness.

“I don’t want this evening to end either but I have a feeling your brother will have my guts if I’m late back,” he laughed and Hope giggled too, clutching Gale’s hand.

“Come on then, Major.”

They walked slowly, Gale’s hand resting on her hip and Hope’s body pressed closely to his body. Gale had draped his flying jacket around her shoulders and the fabric smelt strongly over his aftershave that had been intoxicating her all evening. She could happily stay wrapped in his embrace forever but they all too quickly approached the Nissan hut inhabited by the Red Cross ladies.

Hope noticed John Egan strolling away from the hut, a smug smile on his lips as he punched the air, shouting enthusiastically before continuing his retreat into the night.

“Well someone is pleased with himself,” Gale chuckled, and Hope nodded in agreement.

“I’ll have to ask Ruth if she had a good night.”

Before they reached the door of the Nissan hut, Gale stopped Hope, spinning her around to face him. “Hope, I had a really great time tonight. I never thought I’d get to spend such an amazing evening with such a beautiful woman, who has the voice of an angel.”

Hope blushed, averting her eyes to her feet, “Thank you,” she mumbled. Gale reached down, cupping his fingers under her chin and raising her head to face him.

“I really like you, Hope,” he whispered, before his lips captured her, moving gently but firmly and rendering Hope breathless. Without a second thought, Hope grabbed onto the front of his jacket, pulling him behind one of the Nissan huts, their lips never leaving each other. Gale mumbled something under his breath but Hope didn’t hear him, too busy concentrating on the feeling of his lips on her neck and his hands travelling up her sides.

Hope could have very easily given in there and then, absolutely ready to find a quiet room and continue their advances but she knew they shouldn’t.

“Gale? Gale, we can’t,” she whispered, her words coming out in small short gasps.

Gale nodded, stepping away quickly, “I know. I’m sorry if I overstepped the…”

“Not at all,” Hope quickly reassured him, clutching his face in her hands and bringing him down for another gentle kiss. “I want this too, but we can’t, not yet.”

Gale nodded her, kissing her once more, “Good night, Hope Armstrong. Sweet dreams.”

Hope felt lost as she walked away from Gale, but the warm embrace of his flight jacket cradled her as she walked to the front door. Her hands grasping the handle she turned once more to see the figure of the mysterious Gale Cleven disappearing into the night.

Tags: @georgieluz @malarkgirlypop @docroesmorphine @major-mads @violetdaze25 @bcofl0ve @precious-little-scoundrel @b00ks1ut @liebgottsjumpwings

[natriae]

WEDDING REVENGE. MIYA ATSUMU

timeskip! Miya Atsumu x Fem! Reader

a/n: This is extremely self indulging with some stuff i've been dealing with lately and i just want comfort

C/W: MINORS DNI, VERY VERY HEAVY, mentions of sh (not in detail) , suicidal thoughts, panic attack, sexualish content, reader is from a country that doesn't speak japanese

You're not mad at Miya Atsumu. You're disappointed that's for sure. Now you have to get on the plane by yourself and try not to break down at this wedding all alone. Always alone, huh. They were right you will always be alone.

You left that place to prove yourself. Prove to them that you could survive the harsh world alone. You would grow and you didn't need them. You left them because it was good for you. But now you're going back. You wanted to come back stronger, and more successful then any of them.

You were successful that's for sure. You had your dream job. Athletic trainer for MSBY in osaka, Japan. You chased your dream and you didn't stop till you made it, but you were alone. You left "home" for a place thousands of miles away right after college. You only knew enough Japanese to get around, but you were determined to learn and live there, but now you are going back. Yes, it was just for a few days but you wished you never had too.

The memories held there were to much to bear. The people you will see, the voices you will hear, and the scents. Not only will you be battling the trauma you experienced but you will have to experience all of the people that were apart of it first hand.

please dont talk to me. please don't notice im there now that im alone.

Atsumu was kind. When he over heard you were going to a wedding ( you never actually said if you were going or not) he had asked if you were going alone. He could see your hesitancy. You repeated once again that you weren't sure if you were going, but if you were you would be alone. "i'll go with ya" He had said with a smile. You never got to say no, but you found comfort in his response. Glad he would be there with you. You wouldn't be alone anymore.

You bought the plane tickets and he sent you money for his. You felt happy that he was gonna go with you. You felt more secure knowing that he was gonna be with you. Someone who was like you. From the few times you guys hung out he accepted you for you. He listened to your interests and never made you feel invisible.

Now it felt like the times you would go home to an empty apartment. That didn't change till recently when every weekend Atsumu would come knocking at your door just to walk in and spend several hours on your couch bothering you.

-----------------------------‐--------------------

The actual service was over and now it was the reception. You saw them. The ones that hurt you. They were still together and they still seemed happy. They had each other. You on the other hand still felt out of touch. Like you weren't welcome here or accepted here.

Walking in to the reception their words from highschool were eating at you. It took so many years to get better. So many years spent grieving. So many years spent telling yourself that you were worth being alive. So many god damn years spent being comfortable by yourself and now all of it came crashing down.

They never had to feel the pain you did and it wasn't fair. Why didn't you just do it all those years ago. The pain would have ended. They would have understood how much pain they caused you. The confidence was gone. You felt like the same weak 16 year old. Nothing has changed.

Little did you know a 6'1 asshole with a slightly better blonde dye job was walking through the door to the resception asking everyone he incountered, in broken (your native language) if they had seen you. Thank god he knew who not to talk too.

One time after work he took you to Onigiri Miya and spent the whole night trying to break you to get you to tell him about your past. Not once did he look away from you as you spoke. It honestly was probably the longest Miya Atsumu has been quiet.

Once he saw you his signature grin appeared on his face and he lifted his hand up in the air and began to wave at you. You couldn't help but smile watching him. He was always so confident. Out of the corner of your eye you could see them watching. They had made a face. They must have been confused to see you with a friend let alone one they have never seen before. He ran over to your table and said "surprise!...are ya okay?". He genuinely seemed worried. That was new. Normally people don't care what you feel. Normally they try and steer the conversation away or not even look at you. Yet once again Miya Atsumu was watching you. Really watching you. "if yer not okay we can get outta 'ere"

"i'm okay. I promise," You faked a smile at him.

"okay stop sittin and lets dance," His grin appeared on his face again and he grabbed your hand. Somehow he walked to the dance floor like he's been here all night. Like he knew everyone here and was ready to have a good time.

What they say about him was true. He knew exactly how to stop time and make you feel like the most important person in the world. It was so god damn hard. How easily he was able to breakdown your walls, and have you fall into his arms at any given moment. The last thing you wanted was for all of this to be a joke. For him to just to be pretending so you give him attention and then leave you and have you question if you ever really knew him. Because you thought you knew a lot of people, but all of them hurt you and left.

"hey, the people behind me right now. They're the ones that hurt you right," He lightly moved his head back while still dancing to the music.

"yeah," you sighed out in response not exactly wanting to talk about them after trying to ignore them all night.

"i fuckin' hate her smug face back there. I saw it when I walked in 'an i knew that it was 'er." he said like she directly offended him. You let out a little giggle at that lookin at the ground. A little quieter and a little closer to you he lifted up your head with his fingers and told you "thats why i made such a scene when i came in. I wanted her and all of 'em to see that you have such a tall, sexy, muscular man on your side," He smirked at that and you couldn't help but let out a bigger laugh at that. Throwing you head back and immediately putting it back into place and covering your mouth. It's been a while since someone has made you felt this comfortable. He laughed at your wide eyes and shocked face holding his stomach. If people weren't looking at you guys before they definitely were now. You grabbed his arms and told him to shush while still giggling over the situation. Because he kept moving the two of you in circles when you looked up you made directed eye contact with her.

Your laughing stopped and your smile dropped just like you heart. All the memories came flooding back. The nights filled with with pain in more then one way. Filled with so many questions questions of why? And the fact that they just kept coming back to torture you more. They found every way to remind you that they were doing fine with out you. That they had no remorse for the pain they caused you. That they would always side with her no matter the amount of proof you had.

You didn't even realize his laughter had died down and he was now looking at you like he was trying to finish a puzzle, but that very last piece couldn't be found. "hey. Hey look at me. Let's go outside, yeah," he jerked his head towards the door and began to move your body towards them. He kept looking towards the door and back to you.

Once outside he sat you down at a bench and kept his hand on yours that was resting on your thigh and thats when you felt it. The heavy feeling on your chest and the racing thoughts. Thoughts about the fact that they are all talking about you. That you are still weak running away from your problems. Your stuck in the constant loop. She still had so much power over you. That if you just learned to keep your mouth shut none of this would have happened. Before you realized it was hard to breath, see, and even to hear. It's been a long time since you've had an attack like this. And it's so so embarrassing. You could hear small 'hey's said and his hands never left your body. He held them on your shoulders to keep you rooted to you seat. You could see him in your line of sight but everything was blurry. Like he was a ghost you made up to comfort you. He couldn't really be here. You didn't snap back into reality till you heard his calm voice tell you to breathe and him lifting you up to place you on his lap. He took of his suit jacket and placed it so it covered both of your faces. It layed on both of your heads and probably looked really stupid, but that didn't matter. All you could see was him.

"breathe with me," is what you heard him say. He exaggeratly breathed in and began to count. He did the same to breathe out. It was hard and you were doing those stupid little inhale hiccups trying to catch your breath. "ya are safe with me, okay." He held you close to him and held you tight. This is all you've ever wanted. He stayed and held you through it.

He didn't take his jacket off your heads still you stopped crying. A few tears would slip here and there but he was quick to wipe them. "when your ready were gonna go back there an kick some ass," you let out a little giggle at that again. He really knew you. He knew exactly what to do to brighten your day.

Before you could look over he watch the group of them leave the building. They were definitely looking for you because they were obsessed. That's all he could think. He thought they were sad human beings that had nothing better to then tear others down because they didn't feel good about themselves. You looked up at him and behind him you could see them looking around. Once they spotted you they began to converse with one another like they weren't searching for you.

Then the fire started in your gut. You could feeling nothing more then the years worth on anger bubbling inside you. You got up and began walking over there. You knew that Atsumu would hold you back when he needed to but right now he was to excited to see the drama unfold.

Before you knew it your fist collided with her nose. She fell back and then rest of them grabbed her and began asking if she was okay and calling you names. "alright little one it's time for you to go back to you hotel," Atsumu said as he rushed over to where you stood. He's never seen you this angry, and he knew that if he didn't stop you now it would end really badly. He asked you where your rental car was and took you back to it so you guys could leave the party.

You guys sat in your car in a comfortable silence as the sun went down and your tears slowly came to an end. "God knows how long i've waited to do that," you giggled. You felt crazy, but so much more free. Surpised that Atsumu didn't say anything you looked over.

He was just watching you. Love stuck puppy eyes on his face. You began to worry. He looked as though he was think a lot, and that was never a good sign. You felt stronger about yourself at this moment so you took the leap and decided to ask him what was up. "what are ya thinkin about," .

It took him so time to spit it out like he was worried you would punch him in the face too. "that was just- that was really hot,". Not in a million years did you imagine the Miya Atsumu would be calling you hot. He still looked at you like you put the stars in the sky but all you did was punch a girl from high school. "i-i've liked you for some time now, and i know that I sound stupid and you probably aren't ready for a relationship but god," he let got a breath that was similar to a giggle. He threw his head back and said "god what have ya done to me," He let out a longer laugh at that. After taking a deep breath in he looked directly into you eyes. "god i wanna kiss ya so badly. I wanna kiss you till all ya can think about is me" He said all while shaking his head slowly like he was fighting the words in his head.

"do it," is all you could say quietly with a breathy air to it. You kept looking between his eyes and his mouth. This was all so much but he just knew you. He knew what could get you to fall into him, and some how he knew your boundries.

He slammed his lips into yours and kissed you like he would never be able to again. If this is what Heaven is like you want to bask in its sunlight till you fry up and can't move. He leaned so far over the console just to chase your lips, and it seems as though he was holding himself back from crawling right over it and directly into you seat. You pushed him back a bit and got up on your knees. This time you were reaching over the console just to chase the lips you had to tell be quiet all the time. With the amount of filthy words that left his mouth all the time his lips were surpisingly sweet. He knew exactly when to bite, kiss, and lick. Could there possible be anything he wasn't good at. You felt his lips curve up into their signature smirk as you kissed and it made it all the hotter. Your sure the windows were fogged up at this point and it was so hard to not climb onto his lap and start unzipping your dress and unbutton his white button up.

He was right just from a kiss all you could think about was him. You wanted to see his abs in all their glory. You wanted to see his V-line more then just the teasing you saw when he stretched. You wanted to see where it lead and the rest of his happy trail. You wanted to see his thighs and bite and suck on them till he couldn't hide the hickeys. You wanted to hold on to his muscular back. Leaving long sratches down it so that ever time he moved he would remember the night you guys had together.

Once again it was hard to breathe, but this loss of breath felt much better. "please come stay at my hotel room" you asked. You hadn't realized the face you were making to him. Pupils blown out and lips swollen with need. You needed him, and he would never deny you of that.

"yes yes of course i will," At that you moved back to sitting in your seat and put your seatbelt on. Taking a deep breath you began to reverse out of the parking spot. Wow, today was eventful.

i wanna make a part 2 but ive never written smut before so its probably gonna be bad :,(

[nesting-dreams]

i see the memes of entp and infp all the time online of infp cartoonishly hating entp and entp being cartoonishly creepy, but a healthy entp and infp relationship is so much more fun to watch in my view. Entp’s and infp’s always have a rough start of misunderstanding, but if they can be mature and look past that. It’s a nice dynamic. I want to use fictional works as examples for this cuz it’s just easier.

I shall give 3 different examples. There is more, but these are my favourites. Marriage: Clara and Doc from back to the future 3. He saves her from dying and they fall for each other, he comes across as the mad doctor in the old west and she is intrigued, and it turns out she was supposed to die, so instead at the end, he offers her to live in time limbo with him so she doesn’t ruin the timeline, but she doesn’t die either. Clara risks dying on a train to be with him by walking on the outside of it to stop him from time jumping without her, he thought it was the best for her to leave her at first, but changed his mind when he saw her do that. She gives off the impression of being this sweet little thing, but her crazy matches his crazy with that train shenanigans and them hanging out throughout the movie. Doc even realised this after that stunt that she’s not normal. He is very happy about it. (Doc’s closest friend is a very mature esfp, who is the only one who really takes him seriously when it’s needed out of most people).

Crushes, but stay friends: Laetitia and Lupin the 3rd. Lupin the third the first. They meet from her throwing a punch at him after he stole from her after she set the cops on him, so she could steal this book that the Nazi’s wanted, and also again when she assaults him with her shoe later on. He makes her genuinely angry at one point and he realises he pushed the wrong button, what she got mad about was he told a lie about someone she admired and she fact corrects him and gets annoyed with him for trying to make her feel stupid. He got upset with her cuz she poked him back as a retort, but she backs off too when she realised she upset him. She dreamily wishes to solve ancient mysteries for the romance and fantasy of it. He wants to solve it for profit and the romance of it. After the suspicion has died down, They start out arguing looking for some ancient technology, the arguments don’t actually last long. It is not mean spirited arguing. Lupin’s really sweet to her for the rest of the movie. It is not often in the series he shows a sweet side like this. He tried kissing her and both developed a crush on the other. Laetitia loves the arguments and she also playfully sasses to his naughty comments. They both smirk at each other a lot knowingly. Because she looks like a puppy, he denies that he falls for it and makes fun of others for falling for it but he takes one look at her when he at first does not want too and he basically does anything she asks. He helps her out by going behind her back and using trickery to help her and others. She is more authentic and genuine and up front about helping him and others. She Cries when failure happens and he cheers her up, by showing her that he will back her up when she fails, and they help each other reach a common goal. They bounce ideas of each other, she shows her knowledge on things and he does the same. Both have different knowledge that helps each other to their common goal. She is genuinely impressed outloud with his smarts while he does not say it out loud, he gets excited for her when she gets passionate. He actively encourages her to use her head more. Later in the movie, he had jumped out a plane without a parachute for her to save her. Normally he thinks things through, but he didn’t for that one. He does sometimes have bursts of stupidity inbetween the genius. She does not hide her worry for him whenever he gets hurt or she thinks something bad may happen to him which I think does make an impact of him being gentle with her. He doesn’t usually hang around such soft people. both have the same idea when it comes to ending a disaster that happens. She tries blowing up this plane with her in it to stop it being used in killing people, but it does not go as planned. He tries the same thing later cuz while he did want to use it for himself what was found, he realised it was too much trouble “human’s aren’t ready for this yet”. He had a backup plan unlike her to escape before he would get consumed by the explosion. (Other people Lupin became friends with who he had a rocky start with (by rocky start I mean that they also tried to beat him up cuz he was insufferable first meeting: estp, Esfp, Infj, istp (out of these he is softest to the infj. I think it’s that introverted feelers that makes his fe want to take care of the introverted feelers people like Laetitia and Goemon. It’s nice seeing how gently he treats Goemon and Laetitia. He does show his sweet side to Esfp, but at some point he stops because Esfp does not take it seriously. I think he wonders what is the point in showing it to her and he reverts back to his usual attitude). Other people he got along with right away: Intp (he sees her as a niece cuz she’s 14). Who he respects yet he always messes with him: Estj. (Laetitia respects an estj called Zenigata and he is really nice to her. It’s nice seeing the stereotype of an infp and estj hating each other thrown in the trash like that computer meme).

Goemon knows how to roast, he has dark ideas and take jabs, but Lupin never really takes it too far with him. He pokes and prods, but not as much as he does with the others. The infj and infp respond positively to him being nicer, so he keeps doing it. They are his moral compass. Meanwhile, his istp friend tends to keep a distant to help and emotions. Lupin is best friends with the istp, he’d jump into a running bus for him, istp would do the same, but they don’t often have a heart to heart. Their play is more rough and they can take the more serious pokes and jabs at each other. (Lupin healthily boosts Laeitita’s Te to the surface which has her notice when she is being manipulated and to be more practical and to use her head in finding out more information on the person manipulating her (she is an adult infp so she actually is good at using it on her own, he just helps her use it even more and in a more practical sense). both connect with their si and Ne, honestly the nicest parts of the movie is when they’re just talking with each other quietly and not moving the plot forward. He also boosts up Goemon’s Se which has Goemon experience things more in life on a whim, he also helps Goemon notice when he’s being manipulated, but if Goemon has noticed he is being manipulated, he usually is not sure what to do if his usual methods don’t work, so Lupin helps him out of that situation. Meanwhile, both Laetitia and Goemon boost Lupin’s Fe to the surface and make him a nicer person in a healthy way. Meanwhile, with others he can be callous at times and not listen to them. He does not like to see Goemon and Laetitia sad and does his best to make them smile even at his own expense. He acts like a cheerleader for both in a way).

Mentor and student: Dazai, entp mentor, Atsushi, infp student. Bungou stray dogs. Dazai had saved Atsushi from homelessness with the usual trickery behind his back thing. And Atsushi is grateful and just stayed with the detective agency. At first, Dazai tries to keep a distance emotionally, pushing buttons. Atsushi becomes more confident and sassy because of Dazai, and Dazai feels like someone cares about him for once in his life so he softens. He gets in trouble and most of the people in this series just shrug it off, but Atsushi’s almost the only one worrying about him (Dazai got taken away by the mafia and Atsushi started worrying where Dazai has been for the past couple of days while the others don’t worry about it). Dazai loves that his student is so willing to listen to him, even his silly little antics, yet sass him back. Atsushi feels the most comfortable around Dazai aside from Kyoka. Dazai’s incredibly sweet to his student. These two have moments where they can talk about stuff with each other that they can’t with others. entp in mentor roles to infp always feel like that disgruntled dad adopting a stray puppy who’s looking for a home, at first the dad doesn’t want it, but he’s not going to throw the puppy out cuz that’d be cruel, but then he will throw a table if you even insist on finding the puppy a new home or suggest putting it down, eventually. Meanwhile, infp’s are just in general protective of their love ones right away. (Who Dazai was close to who died: Infj / someone he is friends with but won’t admit it: Entj/ Atsushi works with an estj who he respects greatly, they’re not friends or close, but both respect each other. You don’t see that happen often, but it can happen. It’s nice seeing the stereotype not being around for once in fiction / Kyoka is an isfp). Bonus cuz I’m not writing more cuz I’ll just keep repeating myself. Family: Edward and Alphonse from full metal alchemist. Yuta and Gojo from Jujutsu kaisen (Gojo is also his mentor). The family dynamic is a lot like the student and teacher I wrote with entp always being the oldest sibling or oldest distant cousins.

For Entp and infp to work, infp needs to have a bite to them from years of life experience and entp needs to soften from years of life experience. Most infp’s and entp’s in reality do mention being fond of the other. They always are great together in fiction too. I’m not sure exactly where these memes come from of them only hating each other, obviously there will be some infp and entp who dislike each other, but I hear more good than bad. Only an infp (and infj) can apparently make Entp feel this “strange protectiveness” over them that does not really come out for other people. (Side note. I also love seeing enfp/intj and intp/enfj together. they really do bring the best out of each other without overshadowing the other and putting them in a box. They all start out annoying each other, but can’t deny being drawn to each other).

[midwinterwings]

Thought dump - TW for some sad

It feels so natural yet so utterly painful. There is a beauty in dipping my hands in it - ways to see my friends in clearer ways, dragging out a long thin line, twisting it and creating a hum of bright blue that sings if my talon brushes against it. The same threads constrict against my skin so hard I'm about to burst, all enveloping my body, shuddering against my feathers- its a soul-wrenching pain, centuries-long, I have felt it for as long as I remember, it's as if...

Theyre mine, the realm is mine. A few weeks ago I saw them in the physical plane - filigree blue like honeycomb, intertwined and stretching out across every moment. Now...could it be, I'm doing this to myself? They are me, they're just me, why would they turn on me? Maybe my self hatred and disgust has made me turn on myself, binding my raven-body so hard it cuts into the feathers and the skin beneath. It seems the only explanation, and it makes sense.

Its ironic really. Every time I find joy, grin and feel utterly at home in myself, I always end up turning on me in the end. Even after all this I think part of me wants to kill the god inside - what a dumb idea - and why I'm trying to strangle the life out of me with my own realm, my own extension. Being a deity is beautiful and terrible. Even now, with the very limited understanding I have, I can see it - the yawning abyss I inhabit, the numerous realms I know other parts are living and doing things, and the chatters and whispers and songs humming through all of me, each thread, each line, the way they all criss cross reminds me of knitting. I think I'll learn how. I see a dark road, one where the sides are black and the only path is forward. There is no-one, except for a cloaked figure standing at a crossroads. I feel I know her, from many times we crossed paths, although I can't remember exactly where.

In the physical realm I break strings. I remember I had a 'talent' for breaking my violin strings easily. Being cut feels like pressing on strings too hard, but all over the deepest divine part of me. I'm fighting against myself. This is so stupid.

I will stop this. The struggle against myself. My divine form will live no matter how much pressure I put on, how much I wish to strangle it to death or cut it into pieces. The raven is the incarnated form's divine reflection, I believe. The threads are a rudimentary vision of my 'true form' - and I seem to be attempting to extinguish the connection between the mortal realm and the divine one, the one the incarnation can. Maybe I hope that once its dead I can just be normal? Sever the connection, un-divine me. I know that's not going to work.

I don't know if any other divine approaches themselves will as much self-loathing, reluctance, and hatred for what I am. Still, I've already stepped down the slope. It's a slippery one, and now that I've started, I can't climb back - could I have, in the beginning? I'll take a break from thinking about deity stuff, because that usually calms me down. When I interact with it the madness just keeps setting in, which is great for learning about myself but not so great for my sanity.

[cloudcountry]

My sea bunny asked about my favorite franchise????? My wife wants to know about TES????? I get to talk about my special interest without being called names by my brother???????

AAAHAHHAHHAHHA YAAAAYYYYYY

Ok ok ok!! I got this!!!!

I'll talk about the newer games because I know the most about them!

The Elder Scrolls are a series of games made by Bethesda where you explore a fantasy world on a continent called tamriel on Nirn (the mortal plane), also called Mundus for much of its history, it has been divided into the nine provinces of Black Marsh, Cyrodiil, Elsweyr, Hammerfell, High Rock, Morrowind, Skyrim, the Summerset Isles, and Valenwood. Every game has been focused on these provinces, but you also occasionally go to the relms of oblivion. Oblivion are the other collections of relms where daedra reside, daedra are demonic entities (however evil is in the eye of the beholder so let's just call them tricky and bored because they live forever and come back when they die)

The playable races are Altmer, Argonians, Bosmer, Bretons,Dunmer,Imperials, Khajiit , Nords, Orsimer, and Redguards however there are many more nonplayable races.

There are beastfolk, man, and mer.

Beastfolk for playable races are Argonians (who look like lizards and people at the same time) and Khajiit (who look like cats but have many sub races that all look different according to what moon cycle they where born on, there are two moons named Masser and Secunda. Masser is the larger of the two, well over twice as large)

Mer, also known as elves for playable races, are Altmer (high elves), Bosmer (wood elves), Dunmer (dark elves), and Orsimer (they are orcs but still count under elves to most people)

Man (typical humans in our world) are Bretons, Imperials, Nords, and Redguards.

Then there are the Nine Divines

Akatosh – The Dragon God of Time and Chief god of the Pantheon

Arkay – God of the Cycle of Life and Death, and burials and funeral rites

Dibella – Goddess of Beauty and Love

Julianos – God of Wisdom and Logic

Kynareth – Goddess of Air, Wind, Sky, and the Elements

Mara – Goddess of Love and compassion

Stendarr – God of compassion, mercy, justice,charity,luck,and righteous rule by might and merciful forbearance (he and his worshipers don't like daedra)

Talos – Hero-god of Mankind,conqueror God,God of Might, Honor,State, Law, and Man (the Altmer don't like Nords worshiping him and try to stop it during Skyrim)

Zenithar – God of Work and Commerce, Trader God

They are considered the "good" gods and are commonly worshiped by the general public.

The Deadra, however, are thought by most as bad and/or dangerous with the exception of the "good" daedra Azura, Boethiah, and Mephala. Who are worshiped by the Dunmer.

All the daedric princes (gods) are as follows:

Azura - Twilight, Prophecy

Boethiah - Conspiracy, Deceit, Unlawful overthrow of authority

Mephala - Lies, Sex, Secrets, murder

Clavicus vile - The granting of power through pacts and wishes (one of my favorites, he also works with his shape-shifting hound Barbas, who is a part of him)

Hermaeus Mora - Fate, Knowledge, Learning, Memory (another favorite he talks annoyingly slow though)

Hircine - Hunting

Jyggalag - Order (he is confined in Sheogorath because he was too powerful, and the others didn't like [and perhaps even feared] him)

Sheogorath - Madness (also a favorite, so silly!)

Malacath - The Spurned, the Sworn Oath, the Bloody Curse (don't ask me what that means cuz idk he's an orc though and calls them his siblings, not that bad compared to the rest)

Mehrunes Dagon - Destruction, Revolution, Change (I don't like this guy he killed my husband).

Meridia - Living things (hates undead and is incredibly annoying)

Molag Bal - Domination, Enslavement, and no, no touching (I HATE HATE HATE THIS GUY!!!!)

Namira - Darkness, all things repulsive (a cannibal but stays in her lane and doesn't really bother me)

Nocturnal - Night, darkness (worshiped by thieves)

Peryite - Ordering of the lowest orders of Oblivion, Pestilence (considered the weakest but is still really powerful)

Sanguine - Hedonism, Debauchery, Indulgence (drunk uncle vibes)

Vaermina - Dreams, Nightmares,omens

The daedric princes deal with mortals the most.

But also have also tried to take over Nirn out of boredom many times, the games take place during those times (not all of them but a lot of them have)

Dagon tried to in the game Oblivion (he killed my husband Martin :'( )

In Skyrim, however, they didn't try to take over Nirn. Dragons did, though.

My favorite game is online, where Molag Bal tried to, in the dlc's more tried as well.

I'm getting really hungry, so I'm gonna stop here, but I might rant more later if you still want it.

ANGELFIIIIISH THIS SOUNDS SO COOL!!!! THE WORLD BUILDING SOUNDS AMAZING????? the SECOND i get home i'm checking this out OMG.

julianos is the divine that caught my eye, wisdom and logic sound cool as hell WGHDIEHUDJEH

sanguine's drunk uncle vibes have me intrigued, and vaermina sounds SO COOL TOO LIKE NIGHTMARES???? HELLO WHAT!!!!!

imagine taking over the world bc you're bored LMAO they sound so goofy

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO TELL ME MORE PLS <3 make sure you eat a nice meal and drink water too okay?

[highwaytothedangerzone502]

Ghost Story - Chapter 49

Pairing: Rooster x Female OC

Word Count: 1997

Warnings: Swearing, PTSD

Summary: No one will miss a ghost. It'd been a running joke for as long as anyone could remember, something Ghost herself started, and she always said it with a smile on her face or with mirth in her voice. The untouchable stealth pilot in every sense of the word, no one could've predicted the depth of her turmoil over recent events, nor the extremes she would go to in order to protect the man she loved, not even those closest to her. Now, all that was left of the young aviator for Maverick, Hangman, and Rooster were the memories of the past, which would slowly fade with time. She'd come into their lives and made an unforgettable impression, and then, like a ghost, she was gone... Then again, ghosts can't die a second time.

Notes: None

Chapter Songs: This Love Back to Us

****

Ghost

The setting sun cast its golden rays over the Pacific Ocean and created a calming sky of pink and orange. Ghost stared at it, wishing she could be up in the air in her F-35, the hum of its powerful engine drowning out her miserable thoughts. 

God, please give me a reprieve from the shit going on inside my head. She prayed silently, fiddling with her dog tags. I'll take anything at this point. 

The front door opened, and from her peripheral, she saw that Rooster had come to join her instead of Bryn. She pursed her lips. That is not what I meant, God...

Ghost refused to look at him, choosing to give him the same treatment he provided her. It's not like it would change anything, even if she did. Still, Ghost found the endeavor challenging when he sat next to her, carefully leaning his crutches against the side of the couch. For a few minutes- although it felt like millennia- the pair sat in silence. Ghost bit the insides of her cheeks to stop herself from speaking. She'd done enough of the talking. If Rooster wanted a conversation, he'd have to initiate it.  

He did.

"I've never been good with words," he began softly, keeping his head bowed. "Especially when it comes to my feelings for you. I always thought my actions made up for that, but I recognize those have fallen short, too, especially in the last few months. You want an explanation, and I'm going to tell you, but please... please don't make me look at you yet. I won't be able to get through this if I do. I hope you'll understand why after."

Ghost's brow furrowed in confusion, but she said nothing. Rooster took her silence as a confirmation to go ahead. "I wasn't lying to you earlier when I said I wasn't mad at you. I'm not. I never was. You didn't do anything."

"Then why have you been acting the way you have toward me?" Ghost finally demanded, hating the sound of tears in her voice. "Because I've been going crazy thinking I did something to make you hate me."

"No, no, you didn't. I swear on my life, it's nothing you did," Rooster replied quickly. He reached out and grabbed her wrist, the tips of his fingers on her pulse point. It was then she noticed his trembling. "It's what happened to you, Annalise. It was seeing you crash into the enemy plane. It was seeing you slumped against the tree in enemy territory and me not being able to tell if the pulse I felt on your neck was yours or mine and wondering if you were dead. It was seeing your limp body float down into the ocean. It- it was cradling your body while blood trickled out of your nose and your face turned blue. It was me begging and pleading for you to wake up and getting no response. It was seeing you hooked up to the machines after your surgery that reminded me so much of my mom in the hospital. I thought I'd be okay when I saw you up and talking, but then you told me you hallucinated telling me how you got your callsign while we were in the water, it struck me that you realized you were going to die and that's the first time it happened."

The words were pouring out of Rooster's mouth, and as they did, his grip tightened painfully on her good wrist, but Ghost ignored it, too concerned with the direction the conversation headed in. Hesitantly, she queried, "The first time what happened?"

"The flashbacks. I didn't know what was happening, but I didn't want to be around anyone when whatever it was did. I barely made it to my bunk before the flashback overwhelmed me. I found myself back in enemy territory, my fingers on your neck, trying to find a pulse and getting nothing. I don't know how long it lasted. Could've been a few seconds, minutes, hours... maybe I fell asleep after it ended, but I woke up, and you, Mav, and Hangman were all in your bunks. You were sleeping. I couldn't see your chest rising or falling, and I panicked, thinking you were dead. I tried telling myself that Mav and Hangman wouldn't be casually talking if you were dead in bed, but it triggered another flashback. Instead of being in enemy territory, we were in the waves. I was clutching your body again and pleading with you to wake up, and you didn't. You never do..." Rooster rubbed his face with his free hand and sniffled. His voice became strained as he went on as if he was finding it challenging to continue despite how fast the words as he continued. "I realized looking at you triggered the flashbacks. I also realized that if you were nearby when they happened, if I could feel your pulse, it kept the flashbacks at bay."

Ghost's eyes flicked down to his hand on her wrist, the memories of the previous times flashing through her mind. "The welcome home dinner... did you have a flashback then?"

"Yeah... I didn't know you coded in surgery until Hangman said something. That-that was hard. You were gracious enough to let me keep my hand on your leg, which that and hearing you talk, kept me grounded enough that the flashbacks were only a couple of seconds. Enough to slip under the radar of everyone so no one noticed. When we moved to the couch, and your head fell on my shoulder, the flashback hit me of us in the water, so I-"

"-reached for the pulse point on my wrist," Ghost finished softly. "I felt it. Earlier, when we were talking to Penny, and you-"

"When you pressed up against me to dodge Maverick, I had to get your pulse because it was too similar to when I held you after the second ejection. When we fought earlier, and you were turning away, I finally looked at you, and it was... all hell broke loose in my head. I don't even remember going to my room. I remember seeing you leaving, and the next thing I know, I'm in my room with Bryn next to me, rightfully staring at me like I'd lost my mind. I kind of have..." Rooster confessed sadly, sighing and directing his attention to the slowly disappearing sun. "It hurts to be around you, Ghost, but it hurts even worse to not be around you, and it's a dilemma. I know I promised I'd leave you alone-"

"When the hell did you promise that?" Ghost interrupted, too taken aback by his statement to control herself. She racked her brain for the memory, playing through all her conversations with Rooster but failed to come up with a single thing.

"When we were on the ground. I had just found you, and you didn't acknowledge it. You just said no one was coming to save us, so I took your silence on the matter as acceptance."

Ghost did remember that part of the conversation. "Bradley, I never heard you promise you'd leave me alone. I was too focused on figuring out how to get us out of there. If I had, I would've told you I didn't want you to make such a promise."

"I figured you were so upset with me for letting myself get shot down-"

"Oh, I was upset. I still am, to be honest. It was stupid and reckless, and I'll still never know how we actually got rescued from that mess."

"You got us out of it. Whether Maverick and Hangman came for us or not, you got us out of there. No one else."

"I also nearly got you killed."

"No, you didn't. That was all my doing. I wouldn't have been in that position if I hadn't let myself get shot down, but I couldn't-" Rooster shook his head- "I couldn't leave you behind. Even if that enemy plane never showed up, I would've stayed in your area until they either sent a rescue chopper after you or until I ran out of gas and had to eject. I wasn't leaving you again. The last two times I did it, I regretted it and tried to go back for you, only for it to be too late. I at least learned that lesson... as for talking to you when things are wrong, I'm still working on it. I wanted to tell you earlier what was going on, but the words wouldn't come. All I kept thinking about was how I kept- no, keep- fucking up with you, and even when I seem to do it with the best intentions, I still make the wrong decision, and more importantly, you're still hurting from everything. Your mom's death, your own injuries and escape- I know you're struggling with them. I got up to check on you a few times when I heard you cry out in your sleep, but Mav or Penny was already there."

Ghost hung her head, ashamed she'd woken him up with her troubles. "I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"No, no, no, you don't need to apologize. That's the shitty thing about PTSD; you can't really control when it strikes," Rooster said, grimacing. "Me, on the other hand, I owe a thousand apologies for how I have treated you and acted toward you these past few months. I've let my fears rule over logic, and I'm working on not letting that happen anymore. This- telling you all this- is the first step because God knows I was terrified to do this, but I knew if I didn't, I might lose you forever, and that- that fear trumped all others. I love you, Annalise. I always have."

Ghost lifted their intertwined hands to her lips and kissed the back of his. "Good, because I love you too," she replied sincerely, her heart leaping at the words, and the smile graced his face in return. "Hey, you don't have to look at me, but could you turn toward me?"

Rooster hesitated for a few seconds but then slowly shifted his body. To Ghost's surprise, he locked eyes with her, but she could see the muscles twitching slightly in his face, the terror in his eyes. She acted swiftly, placing his hand over her chest and asking, "Do you feel that?"

Rooster nodded. "Yeah."

"What is it?"

"Your heartbeat."

"What does that tell you?"

"That you're alive."

"Exactly. You want to know how I'm alive? Because of you. You stopped me from drowning. You kept my head above water until the rescue chopper arrived. Even with your own injuries and pain, you pushed through it to keep me alive, and that's no small feat. I never thanked you properly for that."

Confusion flickered in his eyes. "Yes, you did. You thanked me after you woke up in the infirma-"

Ghost cut him off with a kiss, and he readily responded to it, his free hand weaving itself into her hair and cradling the back of her head. She could sense Rooster holding back, but Ghost wouldn't push him. He'd done enough of that today himself. 

When they breathlessly broke apart, Rooster kept his forehead braced against hers, his deep brown eyes staring adoringly into her blue ones. Ghost pecked him on the lips and said, "Thank you for telling me everything you did."

"Thank you for understanding after everything I've put you through," Rooster replied, brushing a piece of hair out of her face. "What are your plans tomorrow?"

"Nothing, now that I'm not trying to find ways to avoid the awkwardness between us," Ghost admitted with a teasing smile. "Why?"

"Because I want to take you out on a date like I should have done a long time ago. What do you say? Pick you up at six?"

Ghost's heart fluttered in anticipation. "It's a date."

****

Tags: @supernaturaldawning @shanimallina87 @polikszena @lgg5989 @callsign-milano @bradshawsandbridgetons @harper1666 @shadeops21 @double-j @copaceticwriter @rotating-obsessions @sharkprestige @thedarkinmansfield @lapilark @mickeyluvs @starshipfantasy @bennypears00 @avabobava @the-navistar-carol @getmyprettynameoutofyourmouth @carmellasworld @0hb0llocks @nicangelinee @summ3rlotus @3picklesinajar @magentamistress @the-other-hawkeye @elisha-chloe @emilymarie105 @persephone11110 @luckyladycreator2 @boogdleyboo @k0k3 @bibissparkles @lilmonstrjedi @stinkyrat09 @cocoag19 @suburbzchick @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @goodstuff28 @georgiasimpson95 @horselovers2016 @tanithpriad125 @davidshawnsown @sowolfstudentme @agagafafa @callmemana @sec17 @brxklyn15 @h0ppy0the0sheep @tomanybandstolove @abigailannz @mini-bee-bee @super-btstrash-posts

Chapters: Chp 1 Chp 2 Chp 3 Chp 4 Chp 5 Chp 6 Chp 7 Chp 8 Chp 9 Chp 10 Chp 11 Chp 12 Chp 13 Chp 14 Chp 15 Chp 16 Chp 17 Chp 18 Chp 19 Chp 20 Chp 21 Chp 22 Chp 23Chp 24 Chp 25 Chp 26 Chp 27 Chp 28 Chp 29 Chp 30 Chp 31 Chp 32 Chp 33 Chp 34 Chp 35 Chp 36 Chp 37 Chp 38 Chp 39 Chp 40 Chp 41 Chp 42 Chp 43 Chp 44 Chp 45 Chp 46 Chp 47 Chp 48 Chp 49

[ofturmoil]

my name is [ ARABELLA KASPRAK ] … and i am from [ HELLTOWN, OHIO ] and i’m a [ DRAMA TEACHER ]. i lived in helltown for [ 21 YEARS ] because [ I WAS BORN HERE AND FORCED TO RETURN ]. i am [ 31 YEARS OLD] my pronouns are [ SHE/HER ] and i am [ EMPATHETIC, ADVENTUROUS, FEARLESS ] though some may say i’m [ TEMPERAMENTAL, SHADY, UNTRUSTWORTHY ]. i also hear i look a lot like [ MAIKA MONROE ] but, i don’t know if i see it. i’m here because [ OF FAILED CAREER  ] but, maybe there’s more to it than that. you never know with helltown.

TRIGGER WARNING: drugs, addiction, toxic family dynamics, mentions of blood

There’s a smile on your face as you watch flames devour the house from your childhood; the house that keeps coming back to you in your dreams. The house you were unable to escape. You hear your mother scream, and you laugh loudly – you catch yourself before she smacks you; before you even need a chance to explain yourself. It was involuntary; subconscious. Of course this would happen a week after you move back, you think. Nothing good ever happened here, not for you at least. As the inferno unfolds in front of you, your hand catches a lighter in your pocket and you light up a cigarette. Nothing good ever happens here, and you wish you could turn back the time.

serafina – wears a bright blazing crown of flowers and down

Born in Helltown, Ohio, Arabella was a child who was immediately introduced to a life of wealth and intellectuality: her father is still pathetically joking she learned how to say “diagnosis” before she even knew how to utter the word “mother”. She was, however, unusually gloomy for a toddler; and too depressed for a child. Arabella, softly named Bella by her nannies, was well aware of the reason why everyone thought she was different and why she felt this unbearable pressure in her chest most of the days: even if she was given everything she wanted, it was rare to receive a hug from her parents. They would, after all, rarely leave their operating rooms. Bella grew up with sitters and housekeepers, with no friends.

She’d spend most of her time watching films, dreaming of visiting Los Angeles and Nakatomi Plaza. The friends she eventually made were in the same boat as she was: the ones barely loved by their parents; the ones who found refuge in cinema and video games. 

sadie said, "i'm gonna buy us an old house in a big town where we can start a life and burn it all to the ground"

For her 18th birthday she didn’t ask for a car or an apartment – she wanted a motorbike and permission to study drama. When she was finally granted both, she left her town with two middle fingers up in the air. Hoping to never see this place again, she got on a plane and opened her eyes only when they landed. 

She led a relatively sheltered life before, and her new start in California came with a lot of changes: studies meant parties, work meant searching for another dose of adrenaline, new friendships meant one night stands. She got into the life of illegal racing during her first year, by the second she was already working as a stunt double for a small indie film. She didn’t become an actress as she wished, but what she ended up doing brought more joy than anything else. 

As she promised herself, Bella rarely visited her parents, and they weren’t exactly mad – they were more unhappy about their dauther’s career choice than that. Your sister was a lot better. Where is she. Where is she…

Bella would call sometimes, and sometimes they’d answer. She surrounded herself with the people of her choice, and some of them may not have been the best influence. 

She can’t remember when was the first time she was offered a little plastic bag, and she can’t remember when was the first time she accepted it – it could’ve been one of the races during a breezy summer night, perhaps. There’s also a chance she enjoyed it a lot more than expected – it did, unfortunately, become her road to descent. 

They all were disgusted by her bad habit, but they were happy to watch her bleed – at least as long as her career was going well. When she pawned her dignity for cash and could not remember the phone calls she would have, they’d finally become concerned. And after hours and hours of talking, they’d put her life on pause. 

That’s how her Hollywood dreams ended up in rehab. 

"people are who they are, " she said "and i want their kind of love where you're bad together and it's good"

Her rebirth tasted like blood. She couldn’t talk about it – only scream or cry. Bella had a couple of decisions to make: either stay in the city of Angels and get back to work, which, as her shrink said, was not exactly good for her health, or go back to Helltown to work as a teacher at a shitty college – a job she had already secured as there was no one else who would take it. 

It was humiliating, and yet her finally sober mind made the decision quite easily: she went back to her hometown, hoping she wouldn’t have to stay too long. Just for a bit. Just until she solves her own personal trouble she had with this town.

HEADCANONS.

Did you notice her sister was only mentioned once? Well, she doesn't like talking about her: she is (was?) one of the missing bowling alley employees and Bella is still very much grieving. Some might say her disappearance was the reason Arabella went off the rails. Give me a dynamic of someone pushing Bella to start looking for her again.

Catch her riding her bike around town at night. Yes, she’s still very much in love with speed and the rush of adrenaline it gives her.

Has been sober now for a couple of years. However, she surely went to a lot of parties back in her early twenties. Her life was very, very messy.

Does not get along with her parents at all. Even though they now live in the same town, she rarely visits them. She’d love to salvage it, but she’s not entirely sure if she’s capable of it.

Can be nice and friendly, but usually appears cold and unapproachable. She’s dripping with cynicism and gets annoyed easily. However, if she becomes your friend – you now have a person you can trust your entire life. However, she does have some trust issues. 

[ereardon]

Your top 5 dialogue quotes from anything you’ve written.

Or your top 5 of what was hardest to write in anything you’ve written.

Orrrrr top 5 cocktails 🍹

Omg this is too hard I want to do them all lol. I'll start with dialogue! I'll break this out by character:

Bradley Bradshaw fics

From Ch. 7 of Come Back:

“I wish you would have told me,” he said softly. “I wish I would have known. I would have been there, Maggie, no matter what had happened with us. Fuck, I am never going to forgive myself for not being there for you.” 

It was the most genuine thing he had ever said to you. 

“Baby, why didn’t you tell me?” The anguish in his voice made you want to curl up and hide. 

“You walked out of my life, Bradley,” you said, standing up. “You made your choice and forced me to live with it. Why would I go back to the man who broke my heart to tell him I lost the baby we were never supposed to have?”

Jake Seresin fics

From Ch. 4 of As It Was:

He brushed past you and jogged down the steps. “Bradley!” you shouted. “Baby, please. Don’t take this the wrong way.” 

Bradley looked up and shook his head. “Without even realizing it, you’re choosing him. You two are the same, you know. It’s going to get you in trouble one day.” 

He climbed into the truck and peeled off, and you were left standing on the porch, watching him drive away. 

“Abby.” You whipped around to see Jake standing at the door. 

You walked over and he reached out to cup your cheek with his palm. Looking up at him, you said, “Is he right? Do we choose each other over other people? Are we doomed?” You laughed, but Jake was still. He had shifted so one hand was pressed above your head against the door frame as you leaned back against the white wood. 

“Diana said the same thing to me the other night,” he replied softly. “And the truth is, Bubs. If it came down to it, yes. I’d choose you.”

From Ch. 22 of The Off-Season:

“Why are you here?” You turned to him with heated eyes. You were doing this now. 

“You asked me last night on the phone if I was happy,” he whispered. “The truth is, I wasn’t. All I knew was that the only way I would be happy is if I was with you.” 

“So you got on a plane and flew to Boston? On Christmas Day.” 

“Yeah.” 

You shook your head. “God, you’re stupid.” 

“Maybe.” He crossed the room to where you were standing and put his hands on either side of your face, thumbs pressed softly against your cheeks. “Maybe I am stupid. Because only a stupid fucking person falls in love with their friend’s sister.”

From Ch. 16 of My Girl:

You stepped forward onto the porch, out from the rain. “I quit my job. It was the only thing keeping me from you and nothing is worth that.” Your voice trembled, and you were almost scared to make eye contact with Jake, choosing instead to keep your eyes trained on his broad chest. “I love you, Jake. You were right, I was afraid. I made all the wrong decisions. I thought I was saving you from myself. That by taking myself out of the equation I was making things easier for you, and Ellie.” You shook your head, wet strands of hair slapping your neck. “But I was wrong. You’re still it for me. You both are. If you’ll take me back.” 

Jake reached out, one hand brushing over your face. You couldn’t read his facial expression. There was something hard in his gaze. “Natalie,” he finally murmured after a moment, his voice thick, shaking his head, confirming your worst nightmare. 

You knew that tone. You pushed away from him, out of the shelter of the porch roof, back out on the foot path and into the rain. Let the rain run down your face as the tears spilled from behind your eyes and you bent in half, hands on your knees, gulping for air, trying desperately to hold on but it felt like everything was slippery and any moment you might tumble to the ground and never be able to get back up. “I’m sorry,” you cried through the tears, throat hoarse and cracked. “I’ll leave. I was wrong to come back. You’re mad at me and you don’t trust me and God, I’m so fucking stupid. I’ll go, Jake. I’m sorry.”

As you turned to go, Jake reached out, his strong arms pulling you out of the rain. You thrashed against him.  

“Let me go!” you shouted, pushing him until the both of you were standing under the downpour, his eyes burning into yours. “Just let me leave! Pretend I never came back. And you can go on living your life perfectly content without me.” 

“Natalie,” Jake said and his voice was sharp. It stopped you in your tracks from where you had been fighting against him. “There is no life without you. I was nothing when you left. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I could barely function.” He stopped, his hands warm on your arms. “Natalie, I have spent every single day for the last three months without you in agony. Say the word and I’m yours. I said it once and I’ll say it again: you can come home any time you want. We’re your home, honey. Me and Ellie. If you’ll have us.” 

Bob Floyd fics:

From Ch. 15 of Friends Don't:

“Bobby?” you murmured, groggy. 

He smiled. “Let me put her down, OK?” 

You nodded, following him slowly to the hallway, watching as he laid Sarah down in her crib. He stripped off his jacket and kicked off his shoes, wrapping you up in his arms, your head tipped back against his chest, eyes fluttering closed. “Did you have a nice time?” you asked. 

Bob kissed the top of your head. “Yeah. But I couldn’t get home fast enough,” he whispered. “Needed to see my girls.” 

“We were here waiting for you.” You pulled his arms around you tightly, breathing in his familiar scent. Somehow, everything felt right. This is how it was always supposed to be. “We’ll always be waiting for you, Bobby,” you whispered.

[ihaveasolutionbutyouwontlikeit]

You're not dead yet.

You will forever be stuck in healing mode if you wait until "then" to try all the things your heart desires and "really live". That idea of what things may have been like is a fallacy that happens to everyone, to a greater or lesser degree. Your trauma is not the thing holding you back from re-doing your childhood, the child still lives within you. Your adolescent self, every version of yourself is RIGHT HERE with you. You want to find out what life is like without the hurts, you have the opportunity to find out RIGHT NOW through the adult shelter of your current self, holding space and multidimensionality for your soul in every state it has or ever will be. Do the shadow work, meet yourself as you are right now, and follow your life's rippling reflections back to that layer of self, reckon with the FEELING of what that felt like to be, and then be the space, create the space -everyone has this power- that gives your child self what you always wanted to experience or feel from that point on. No one and nothing else can heal you faster than the meeting of your layered soul with the selves that are past, present and future, in ways that are compassionate and resourceful, shadow and light and blasted greys accepting. Because the truth is that there will always be another layer of hurt. Another reason to hold yourself back and believe you're not "fully" healed. You hurt yourself, knowingly or unknowingly, every godsdamned time you believe you don't have the ability and power to move past it, to move to before it. You are staying there, because it's safe. Because it's what you know. Because you perceive it to be true, when there are infinite truths. Show me anything perfectly healed, anything that has not been hurt, anything here, without or within, in a pure state. Pure is a human term for something that does not exist in anything but thought. Everything has specks of something else in it. The only pure thing I have ever even come close to encountering is Nothing. Nothing lives in a realm our very atoms tremble at remembering, is the reason the world is the way it is. Is why physicists and prophets go "mad" with the exposure. Nothing gives us something, and with that something, we can do anything. Such is the power of a human mind and soul.

We discredit the realness for not being real enough, hold it side by side with the idea of what it's supposed to be like and discard it, looking for another puff of proof that matches the idea, something not yet real. Real is felt. Real is chosen thought. Real is the difference between alive and dead. And even the dead are alive and real. So do not discredit the experience of now. It is very very real.

Your atom's purpose, YOUR purpose, and wish on this plane, is not to heal. It is to live. To continue a simple existing as only self. And we can only do that by living. (To heal and to live are the same, it is a thing that is again confused by Naming something that was never supposed to be named, but done). To live is to change. You hold life in your pulsing palm. You hold life in your contracting pupil. Hold out a hand for your past self, a self you changed from, you'll know you've clasped hands and met unflinching eyes when you look within and without and see the stretching of all that you were and all that you will be, and, dear one, all the reason why you have to be what you are now. All the change that will yet be.

Your soul is healing and whole and changed forward and back in flux, in every moment except in the one you think you are not, not yet. Your torment is hand fed by your own pulsing palm.

I chose. I chose to look at my pulsing palm and filled my hungry searching wanting gaze with nothing but its atom trembling self, already miraculously healed and trembling wholly with the symptoms of being really alive, of changing so much I became unchanged and more.

You want to know what life is like without the particular experiences you've had?

Then go and live it. You will discover more, and you will be looped into a cycle of not enough until you feel too much. You want to know what life is like past traumatic circumstance? In your heart, take one single vulnerable step. In your life you take one single vulnerable breath.

And then you repeat it. Forever.

In that step, you are healed.

In that breath, you are really alive.

To feel your soul within you. That's how life is and all it will ever, ever be.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

There is an animating force that guides all of us. The emotions we carry inside of us guide and influence our behaviours giving us vigorous and strength. Some people will become deflated and will be very weak when trying to speak or do anything physical. Others are tenacious and vibrant in both their spoken word and their physical actions. Both these individuals have the seemingly the same level of intelligence and resources available yet the outcomes and more importantly the energy are much different. Watch your favourite hockey player in a play off game. They have focus, drive, and passion for what they’re doing. We’ve been fed this lie that emotions make us weak yet the most powerful people on the planet feel the deepest. Not only do they feel deeply they express even more deeply. Both feeling and expressing are often linked with being weak and feminine yet some of the strongest most masculine men feel the most. Our survival mechanism shuts off our feelings though. We form beliefs around them being weak and being a liability to our support and survival. Being seen is akin to being dead. But this isn’t true at all. Being seen is the closest thing we have symbolically to being alive. People energize us whether we want to admit it or not. Others thoughts, words, and opinions of us fuel or deflate us. Our own beliefs can be re-enforce good energy and emotions within but we cannot escape the fact that we are social creatures. It doesn’t mean do everything you do for others or abandon your own autonomy. Simply it just means to not cower away from people’s opinion of you. Don’t act like you don’t like the praise and actually let a compliment fuel you and don’t pretend like insults do nothing to your energy either. With the awareness that we are all highly emotional we can move forward in life living as fully as we can. No holding back or playing coy. Just true authentic expression. Scream and yell when we’re mad, cry when we’re sad, and smile wide when we’re happy. The power lies in our emotions. They influence everything we do and help us accomplish it with grace and power. I can’t remember how many times I held back my mentions wishing that I had just fully went all in on what I was doing. The times where I hesitated and relied on my mind rather than my heart even though my heart had the answers that the mind couldn’t perceive. The times my voice was shaking trying to get the words out and I held back saying what I truly thought because I was worried I’d be seen as awkward or in the way. The times I held back excitement because I wanted to seem wise or cool and in control. Our emotions are the flavours of life and give meaning the all the structures we have set in place. When cleverness fails to sustain us and it always does we must feel deeply again to regain our life force. A well constructed argument or a perfectly laid out plan with no emotions can spend decades in remission while a feeling acted upon can move the entire world. We feel because it’s what is most natural to us. It is our gift that makes us complete. We wield our feelings to push ourselves into action. Without feeling we run circles of infinity that go no where. Endless thought loops of would’ve, could’ve, and should’ves but nothing to take it from the mental plane to the physical plane. It just remains an unrealized dream that stays locked up within. Our emotions unlock our dreams and give birth to them in the physical realm. They are portals between what we hold within and what we experience without. The feeling extracts the thought and puts it out into the canvas for all to see. It adds colour to reality and gives vibrancy to life. Our emotions are our greatest gift for realizing our best reality.

[ps1demodisk]

I'm going to bed now but in case any more asks come through this is like... my general thoughts after my mind cleared from how funny the ask was. This is everything I would've responded had I not been having a giggle fit, essentially. There's also a more general statement that's tangentially related at the very end.

You are allowed to think I'm a bad person and still think other people who I thought were bad are also bad. You do not have to drastically change your opinions on everyone you once spoke mad shit about just because I agreed with you. In the same vein, I can be shitty and not be the worst person to ever exist who only talks to others in an attempt manipulate them. I am actually capable of human emotion and I carry the ability to care for others, crazy I know. That's part of why the dying alone comment had no effect, because quite frankly I know I'm not going to die alone, especially not because of some internet drama I had as a 20 year old where people lost the ability to use critical thinking skills. I know what I am, and I know how I think, even if I can't fully grasp my emotions and thought processes. I saw everything, it was funny the way everyone jumped to Satan level, but it also made me think.

"You only reached out because you knew your control was slipping" did you ever stop to consider I might've just actually felt bad? No, you didn't, because from the very start I stopped being viewed as a person. It was obvious in the way people spoke, you spoke about me as if I were just an object, and at that point of course you wouldn't consider the fact I felt normal people feelings, I was almost fictional. You made me out to be cartoonishly evil, and I'm sorry I can't live up to the image you built up in your heads but unfortunately I'm just a 20 year old man who's emotionally immature and unstable, I just don't think before I speak, consequences are a future thing and I don't think about the future because the future scares me. There was never anything more to it. I spoke shit cause other people spoke shit, and I never stopped to think about how any of it would look out of context. I am not a mastermind evil manipulator, that's giving me too much credit.

I still don't think anyone there is inherently an awful person for anything they said (maybe 2 people who are bad people for actions tho), I can understand it when I take a step back and look at it all from an outside perspective. That doesn't make any of what you said better, especially not the genuine wishes I'd die, or the more vague wishes I died before I met you, but it doesn't change the fact things I said were bad either. Even if they were only bad out of context, or they were "normal" in context but still hurtful. Context matters but the words out of context also matters, even if it's not as much. Shit does hurt, even if it feels justified, even if you think you're justified in saying it. You all suck, and I also suck. Maybe I suck more than some of you, maybe I suck less than others. I don't actually care to know anymore.

I still do not think I'm a bad person, I still do not think you are justified in any of what you are doing, saying, or have done or said thus far, but I also don't think you're bad people either. I am just going to file everything I read under "hurt people hurt people" and stop trying to find any reason or justification beyond that.

As I was finishing this up I remembered the person who interacts with minors on nsfw, I do truly believe that is incredibly weird to do and you need to stop trying to deflect from it with "but Kalista is weird he said his favourite tf2 merc was whichever could bring him my head first!" which you for some reason are deciding to call a murder threat. What I said was weird, yes, but that doesn't mean interacting with minors on your public nsfw account is normal and ok to do, please think critically about that. Also do you truly genuinely believe I am going to get a plane from the united kingdom and come to your house and kill you, do you really genuinely believe that is something I want to do? Be honest. Be real with me. Do you really think I could kill you? If you do that's almost flattering.

Are we done? Cool. I don't actually care if we are, I am.

- -

I also think in general the dehumanisation of people you deem bad is not a good thing, because it means you stop thinking about the fact they're just like you and at any point if you made or make one wrong decision you could have ended up like them. It's good to recognise people you deem bad as people because it reminds you to question your thought processes, it means you'll notice if you start having a worrying thought pattern or attitude and you won't let it spiral. People don't turn shit in a day, it's often years of conditioning and ignoring/reinforcing shitty beliefs that leads them there. Seeing their inherent humanity doesn't mean justifying or agreeing with what they do, it means recognising anyone is capable of it and that includes you, and you need to watch yourself to keep yourself on a good path. Good people aren't naturally good, it's a choice.

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Entry #21

Fuck you and your stupid fucking 000000 00000. You're a poser if I ever met one. I never thought someone could be so fucking 0000 and far removed from acting like a human being. 

Fuck, okay. The 00000 actually look really nice. I am sure they look even better in person. I am just MAD. 

I feel like an experiment lately. Like someone is up in the sky laughing, crying, cheering, and booing. Rooting for me when I do what they think is good, and sighing in disappointment when I fuck up. 

I am sure someone is out there pulling some strings. Maybe not in the sky, per se, but somewhere above me. Another plane of existence, another level of consciousness. 

I have been seeing a lot of hawks lately. Osprey. 

I feel like they are watching over me. I have started keeping a close eye out for them.

I have noticed there is one very large hawk that perches in the same tree every day, and I quite look forward to seeing it sitting there on my way home from class. I would like to think it sits there just for me. 

Ah, inflated self-importance.

I have decided I am done with love for the foreseeable future. I do not want to be toyed with any longer. I have bad taste, and flimsy boundaries. Horrible combo for a relationship. 

The last guy I dated really did a number on me. 12H synastry *sigh*. 

I really am just tired of seeking love in other people when it’s inside me. I shower others in the love I wish to receive myself. It’s a bad character flaw, it’s codependency, it’s unhealthy. 

I have mastered most other aspects of health; healthy eating, staying active, nurturing familial connections, loving and caring for my pets, self-reflection, idk I am sure there are other things I can add to this list. 

I have come a really long way, but I am really dumb when it comes to romantic love. I expect too much and not anything at all at the same time. I have silent expectations, and then become frustrated when they aren’t met. People are not mind readers! 

I need a serious break from trying to love someone in a relationship. It’s not for me right now. I need to work on myself and my boundaries, and on loving myself. 

I have met a lot of amazing people at this low low point. I have felt unlovable, unacceptable, rejected. I have felt like I am not good enough, and like no one will ever love me or care for me, even as a friend. I reached a point of complete devaluation. I could not see why anyone would want to be around me, speak to me, anything. I was so extremely insecure. And all of the sudden I began meeting people who had been through similar things, felt the same way, and like me, they are searching for a way out. 

I always feel like I struggle socially but in meeting these people at school and online, I feel like I am finally finding community and feeling like I belong somewhere. I am finding love everywhere, and starting to love my life again. I am starting to live. 

I have moments where I devalue myself again, small instances make me question all of the progress I have made. I falter at times, but I still stand tall. 

My moods are still all over the place, but I have accepted so much about myself and the treatment I have endured, and realized why I have accepted the treatment I have. 

I am more confident. I am happier, and whole. I still do not think I am where I should be, but I am showing myself kindness and extending to myself the grace that I so commonly only give to others. 

I try to show kindness to others where I can, give people compliments, tell people hello, and entertain small conversations when the opportunity comes present. 

I am releasing my bad habits. I am battling my addictions, and I am reaching out for help when I need it. 

I am beginning to be honest with those around me about how I feel, and not being embarrassed at their reactions. 

I am making progress, and I am proud. 

I am finally proud to be me, and I cannot wait to see what the future holds.

[astardanced-underthatwasiborn]

I am suspicious when he starts with something I can relate to. I also sometimes turn the wrong way! I also had a weird teacher who gave me specific rules for writing! This must be a normal, straightforward *realistic* plot. I see you Gaiman. Can’t trick me this time!

Hey I also live in IL now. I had to Google Decatur though.

I have never seen ovaltine in person so why do I think I know how it tastes?

“That’s where it all begins” aha! Have I caught the switch between my world and the fantasy this time?

Don’t split up and walk into the weird fog please.

I thought he was clever for the money in the shoe bit. I guess listening to your mom is smart still.

Ok the change wasn’t a subtle as Im used to. I don’t feel tricked so that’s okay.

Ooh I wasn’t expecting that to be what came out of the rip.

(Im technically working right now or I wouldn’t be stopping so much while reading)

Yep. No I take it back. I didn’t see any of this coming. I thought it was just a slightly alternate dimension with weird a McDonald’s

What’s with the Js?

Ok wait but why didn’t the mom recognize him?

Did he learn to explicitly give permission to pee the hard way? 😂

I wish my tattoos did that.

He will power them? Is this like the whale ship in doctor who? 😭

Another Harker? Or another Joey Harker?

💇‍♂️ and 👆are not the same ma’am.

Oh I REALLY wish my snake tattoo could do that. (It’s a nod to Crowley, so it’s (deep down) a nice snake)

Stopping here. I usually read too fast and analyze later. Trying to take my time with this and not just finish it in one go.

I’m back already because the real world is sad and I have no self control when it comes to a good book.

This book isn’t exactly happy though either

Oh. It is like the space whale.

Ok duh. That’s why mom didn’t know him but teacher did. Fair enough.

Not me wondering why this was published in 2007 and the teenager somehow knows who Errol Flynn is…. I was a teenager in 2007 & know Errol Flynn is. That’s not even wibbly wobbly. Kid just likes old movies.

See. I somehow went from a-hah! Odd mist leads to an alternate universe is a little odd to just accepting a boundless bright colored plane with things made of yellow. Snuck up on me a bit.

Why do I want a pet mudluff now?

The enemy’s gate is down.

That’s not better alcohol. That’s just drugs.

Yeah. The something is he’s you.

Star Trek forever and always has done it first.

He hasn’t heard them say hocus pocus - they something about bananas gorillas and nutmeg. They’re professionals.

13? (I looked that up. Sorry)

Duh.

Sir. You are too young to know how a filling feels when it falls out. Brush your teeth kids! (Seriously wish I had been better at that when I was young)

Is squid a J too?

Again. Duh.

Don’t get lost again

Not a dream. Great idea. Why don’t they do that already?!

Managed to keep myself busy enough tonight to not finish it at once. I’m glad it’s a trilogy though. Doesn’t seem like enough pages left

Are these even real words? Some must be fake right?

It’s probably 13. Just a guess.

Umm…here’s the thing about octopi…

Not me getting mad at the pity party like I don’t talk to myself the same way. Well played.

Uhmm. What did he do wrong??

Ok but I love printing tricks like that. Adds to the story.

KEVIN?!?!

Now I definitely want a pet mudluff!

I am begging you to brush your teeth here.

🤞 wibbly wobbly 🤞🤞

Should have made him do a thank you dance

FREE WILLY!

Nope. Too creepy. Die already

⚖️ though?

Hmm. Odd but not wrong.

I’d say it would make a good show but they’d ruin it by focusing on the special effects.

This was weird for me. I usually plow through books. Even though this took me less than a day it was kind of fun to write down my thoughts as I went. Will have to do this again.

Season 2 wasn’t the happy little escapism show I thought it would be. Got myself a new Neil Gaiman book to take the hurt away. (Yes new to ME, not in general. I’ve been saving the rest of his works for when I really need it).

[rainbowvamp]

an unsent letter: June 1791

You have never touched me, and yet at night I lay awake and swear I feel your hands upon me. The soft touch on my shoulder of an old friend. The hard touch on my neck of a captor. Your body that is lithe, and yet holds power I could surely never know. Your mouth that could pin me in place with just one word. 

If you told me to stay like a dog, I might just do it. If only to please you. If only to earn one single smile. So rare to look at, but so utterly glorious. I stand at an altar dedicated to you and worship the idea of you, because in truth I know nothing about you. More unknowable than God himself, and all the more tantalizing. Do you mean to keep me always wondering? I don’t even ask anymore, who you are, what you are. I’ve accepted you will never tell me, but I am filled with the desire to know. You who visits once every hundred years to have a little chat about the state of the world. Ever changing, but always the same. 

I would venerate you like a god if you asked me to. I think I know you would never ask me to, though. Not you. You’ve never wished such things from me, and perhaps that’s why I wish to give them. I wish for you to hold me in whatever way a god might hold a simple being and I wish to show you my affections, paltry offerings though they may be in comparison to the power you surely command. Is it not worth more to be offered all that a destitute has than to be offered some of what a rich man has? At my poorest, I’d have given you the shirt off my back. At my hungriest, I’d have given you the food from my mouth. This devotion expects no reward, and it receives none. It is given because it would feel wrong not to. When you come close enough to touch but stay always out of reach, I only look from this ever shortening distance and offer up everything I have in honor of you. 

Ask it, and I shall complete it. Want it, and I shall gladly give it to you. Whatever you wish for, be it in my power, I would deliver from my hand into your untouchable grasp. You with a gaze like starlight, distance and unknowable but through hours of scrutiny you would never allow. I observe as I can, once every hundred years. Would that I were an artist so I might paint your likeness onto canvas and capture it forever. But no canvas could do you justice. No canvas might capture your essence with the clarity I have in my mind’s eye. I think of you in dreams, often I wish they were real that I might reach my hand out to feel the skin of your hand, face, shoulder. Would that I were a sculptor that I might cut your likeness into stone, more at home there than any canvas, but still imperfect, still incomplete. No stone might capture the depths of your eyes or the perfection of your faintest smirk. I close my eyes and see you looking at me with those dark eyes in the firelight and I wanted you. I wanted to taste and feel and smell you, but I kept myself at bay. Even in dreams I keep myself at bay because you are the untouchable, unknowable thing and I am just a man who cannot die, dying to stand beside you once again. To take your words into my ears and your breath into my mouth. I put my lips to the cup you might have drank from, had you drank anything at all, and I imagine the taste of your mouth. Fire or Ice or both. 

The knowledge that this longing may one day destroy me does not stop me from feeling it. I have no love for tragedy, though I fear I may be living in one. Every time you walk away I think I must be the most unlovable man on this plane or any other, but then you come back, and I know I am the luckiest man on earth. 

The glory of our centennial meetings is that they happen, every time, without fail, and I am always relieved to lay my eyes upon you.

How can I wait another 98 years to see you? When I feel consumed by even the thought of you? 

I would offer myself to you if you would just accept me. 

I would offer anything if you’d stay. 

——

This letter, written while half mad with sleep deprivation, met a waste bin and was carried away to be burned like trash. In the book of unsent letters it has edges that are charred and ink stains that obscure the bottom two lines entirely, though if one willed it to be so, they would be visible. 

----

AO3