#i wish i had sometimes to show for all my damage sometimes that screams I AM NOT OKAY in a way they cant ignore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

popawritter12 · 5 months

Note

It's that anon who sent the yandere pyke ask can the reader be male and was a person who was friends with pyke and tried to rescue him but couldn't.

Author's note: Anon 🤝 me.

Likes Yandere

✨ Pyke✨

I really wished to do Yandere things with this man, I really hope you liked it because I LOVED how I do it.

At the same time, you will see that the beginning is somewhat poetic because I plan to present half of the story to a group of writers and readers who are not Yanderes fans, I hope you don't mind <3.

(Also, I choosed this one bcs have all the information of the relationship of the Yandere and the reader, just bcs i want you to know Anon!)

Yandere! Pyke x Male! reader

Yandere character: Pyke

From the videogame/serie/anime/movie: League of Legends.

Case: Mention of kidnapping, murder.

Part: 1 of 1.

I still hear his calm breathing next to me, I still feel his eyes watching me make mistakes and how ready he was to have a sneer on his face, ready to mock me. I still remember the stories he told during countless sleepless nights.

That's how he was; relaxed, not very talkative and quite calm with his emotions, and that was the reason why we connected with each other.

He always showed a different side to me, sometimes bordering on having another personality. It was nice to know that he could have a friend so graceful that he could reveal each and every facet of himself to me.

His words were as soft as a loom in our lonely moments, and he always fluttered my loose locks because of my short stature. His hands, rough and damaged, dry and brutish, always tried to touch me gently, although more than once, in the most escapist moments, he was brutish, and only in times of his annoyance did he refuse to even offer me a hug.

The gentle jokes, the sensitive moments, the angry screams or even indistinctly cold times, we were always together, like one brother to another, with an affection that always terrified my heart.

However, now all those moments became just mine, all the seconds of overwhelming loneliness were purely mine, not to mention the stormy nights where I felt like my mind was submerged in a bathtub, full and on the verge of overflowing with salty water.

Never, in my three centuries of life, do I remember feeling this way about someone; not for my ex-partner, much less for my marked childhood friends, and maybe and just maybe now I realize why he was so clingy to you.

With pain I return to that ship today, where the damaged and barely usable boxes due to the years of age are now an indistinct characteristic of the dirty, disgusting and putrid wooden ship. With every step, my nightmares crawl beneath me, taking my heels and seeking to drag me into my madness, seeking to take me once again to that night where everything had to go wrong.

If he told me months ago what could have happened that day, perhaps he would not have believed him, or perhaps not, but that was already a story from another line, one of which, most likely, I will never be a part.

The smell of fish invades my senses again, as if the world was attracting me back to earth, the day where I had to set sail again.

The creaking wood, the doors creaking plaintively in protest of a change of materials, and the hesitant whispers of the other workers of this horrendous crew brought me back to my early days, where he, always him, would greet me with a basic greeting, nodding his head and leading a walk towards his work area, where, out of mere habit, there was always a side reserved solely and exclusively for me.

While the waves crashed against the wood, the anchor rose, and another day was announced again, beginning again my routine, and perhaps my mental hell, where the cry of my being so precious, blaspheming that I would never let go, and that we would both get out alive if we did things right.

I still get chills remembering that night, and I barely managed to notice the inevitable passing of the day, and the constant calls for attention I received from the fat idiot who called himself captain.

I clicked my tongue at his complaints, humming a vague response that, in the end, I never followed through with. During the course of the day, I can notice the words of comfort from my companions, as they regretted knowing that someone like him had left in such a violent way and his body without being able to receive such a well-deserved rest as the burial would be.

It was still a vivid memory of the scream that that bastard gave me to let him go, threats to cut off my arm if I didn't let go and let him die, and, consciously, he bent my arm to weaken my grip and thus let him go.

I still feel that beating of my heart accelerate when my soul complains loudly, blaming my body for its weakness. And, perhaps, it was true, and if he traveled to the past one more time, I would save him without hesitation. But there would never be a third chance.

It was midnight when I calmly breathed the attenuating air in the midst of the favored wind that hit my skin, and I daydreamed that his footsteps could be heard again behind me, that he cradled his arms against the railing and rested his head lightly on his shoulder, as if I wanted to support it against mine.

I turned a deaf ear to the shouting of voices of all that persons, knowing that the profit shared was always a topic of debate, and I thought for a moment about going, but my mind simply downplayed its importance, since money was the last thing I wanted to be able to have right now.

But, even with all the laziness in the world, I just sighed, before backing away from the ship's railing, looking to get back under cover.

The smell of fresh meat was routinely annoying, and the lights off seemed a new trend due to its lack, however, I turned on the flashlight, seeking to bring calm back to the place.

But all I noticed was a painful moan, a gasp laced with blood and saliva in someone's throat. Lowering the lamp slightly, the fresh blood did not come from a fish.

With one last moan of pain, in the background the corpse was heard landing, causing a crude dull sound in the air.

Just by seeing that terrifying event with the lack of light, I knew that attack, but I couldn't help but feel weak before the amount of darkness. In the throat and in the chest, or with the heart pierced; All the corpses looked like a grotesque scene, and the putrid smell of blood took the main focus, while the sound seemed muffled at this point in the story.

And I heard that voice, that voice that had been bothering me so much for a long time.

—I'm sorry…

Soft as a gust of wind, but clinging to a lack of oxygen, the large corpse falls to the ground, the thud re-entering my senses, returning my mind to what seemed to be, my direct path to my own massacre.

Lifting the lamp a little higher, the tall shadow makes its appearance, finally showing that creature. That creature was that man, and almost immediately, my source of illumination escaped from my hands, falling to the ground immediately.

—Pyke? —I asked, my voice waterier than usual.

He took a step towards me, and the now almost non-existent lighting of the lamp illuminates the red bandana with white details in the center, and his eyes narrowed when he saw me. His look was different from the last time I saw him, and I could inevitably feel how that knot in my heart slowly moved to my throat, prohibiting me from being able to speak.

But he didn't mention anything, he just walked away quickly, but I couldn't hear his footsteps.

He couldn't even say goodbye to me with a hug, which caused me to know, realistically, that he had only hallucinated, and that in reality, it was just a murderer, a mercenary who needed to kill the entire crew. And in the distance I heard his hurried footsteps, which finally made me realize my own reality.

Upon hearing a man's scream, I noticed that his accelerated footsteps were approaching, so I could only get away from there.

Maybe that illusion was a lie, or maybe he really came back, but that story already belonged to an ending that not even I could wait for.

My feet were right on the edge of the boat, and with tears in my eyes, I just knew that he had hallucinated. He wasn't coming back, and now his existence would become a blurry memory in my crazy mind.

The shot crossed a path close to my head, so I had no choice but to tilt my body to fall into the void, to the place that had taken my best friend, and now, he claimed my soul as his property. .

My body suddenly collided with the water, and I was clinging to the unmovable boat for a few seconds, and only when the shots stopped, I had the will to swim out, even with the cold in my body, I knew that there was no other way out.

In my mind was the vivid image of him, of the mask on a face that I thought belonged to him, but that, deep down, I knew was just a hallucination.

I painfully continued against the waves of the sea, and the soft wind was now a chilling reminder that only a cold awaited me outside the water.

And unexpectedly, I could feel something roughly grab my foot, dragging my body under the water. Abruptly my mouth swallowed a few drops of the salty liquid, and my body was finally dragged beneath the dawn of the moon.

The sea was that monster that absorbed the souls of sailors, it was a fearful creature that, when you least expect it, drags your body to that end. And that end was me, I was that monster who had found that agony in this tedious and spiteful night.

But it wasn't, and an inhumanly large arm dragged me back to the surface, throwing my body onto the ship.

—Why the hell did you do that? —He asked, most in an angry way.

I touched the water, trying not to lose what little oxygen I had. My breath returned a few seconds later, and my hands landed against the old wood, now damp from the droplets escaping my body.

He was next to me, I can see that a long paper was in his hands, crossing out something that he preferred not to know what it was.

Upon returning to the ground, I raised my body, managing to notice how tall this guy was.

When I found myself I said right with this man, there was only one question in my mind.

—Who are you?

His brow furrowed, just as the weapon in his hands was once again placed in one of his palms. A heavy sigh leaves him.

—Is that the first thing that occurs to you to say? Really?

I gasped sharply, tears returning to my eyes. His voice was the same, it was soft, but it was stricter now. And happiness returned to my soul as if I had returned to a few days ago.

—Pyke... —Almost immediately, I jumped into his arms,—.., it's really you.

He remained stoic, and in my mind, I thought it was because of everything he had been through.

—You're different... but you're still you —I sobbed like a child, and sought refuge in that hug.

His hand wet with his blood refuses to caress my loose locks, so he limits himself to patting my back, with a white T-shirt already covered in stains from previous jobs.

—Ah, holy cow... I thought I lost you —I sighed, my tears wouldn't stop coming—, I'm so happy right now... I just..

I barely managed to separate myself from him, I just wiped away my tears. Although I tried to speak, the memory of the dead people finally brings me back to the events that happened recently.

—Pyke —I called him —, with did you kill them...?

He didn't look confused, and on the contrary, he just responded as if it were as natural as breathing.

—They are on the list.

—What list? —You asked, confused.

Then, I remember the list he was holding a while ago, which I assumed he had saved. With all of my thoughts aligned, and I could only backed away.

—What's going on? —He asked.

—Do you…

But he didn't let me finish because I crashed into a big box full of fish, and he only had to get close to me to corner me.

—Don't say stupid things—He stabbed his weapon against the fish box.

It was as if he wanted to generate something in me, but I couldn't figure out what exactly.

—You will never be on the list.

The closeness between the two was terrifyingly dark for me, but I didn't say anything, I didn't want to keep him away from me, out of the desire to never lose him, but never again.

—But... And the others? —I asked, eager for an answer.

—They? —He responded, confused, —, why are you interested now?

His hand was clinging to the weapon, while with the other he gently played with my loose locks, since that hand had no more blood stains.

—Without them I won't be able to work —I explain, trying to sound kind—besides, I don't understand what the whole problem is going to be like when I get back into murky waters, you know? There is the captain's family who is going to want the ship, some who want to buy it or who will claim me when they see how most of them are murdered and...

—You don't need them —He clarified, his tone now sounding rougher —, you don't need them anymore.

—Come on Pyke, you have to understand that I have to keep paying for things, I have to keep working, or eating, or drinking, or other things... don't you think they can accept me saying that a creature attacked us if the ship is not damaged... ?

I had to stop talking, because he just covered my mouth with the palm of his hand; It was customary for him to do things as uncomfortable as this.

—Stop worrying about those things.

And then he let go of my mouth, while I could feel some heat on my face.

—Even after death you're still the same —I joked, gently taking his hand —, don't take it so personally.

I can feel the nervousness eating away at my mind, trying to stay calm, I just gasp, and he didn't react.

A couple of seconds passed until he just moved his hand, wiping away the remnants of tears on my cheeks.

—Well, I guess we can go back now —I tried to get out of his corner, however, something stopped me—, what's wrong?

—No.

A serious but irritated whisper is heard from his mouth.

—No what..? —I ask, confused.

—You're not leaving. —He grabs my shoulder, pushing me against the large wooden box.

—Pyke, why are you acting so strange...?

—You won't leave again, I won't let the same thing happen to you that happened to me —He assured, imperturbably —, I won't allow any of that.

—But, they're already dead—I try to answer, but the grip on my shoulder becomes painful, rough, starting to hurt me. —. Pyke, you're hurting me.

—No, I won't let anything bad happen to you.

And before I could find a space in his words to respond, he abruptly approached me, almost smashing his lips against mine in a abrupt, brutal and excessively painful way for me.

I whined, I tried to struggle, I even tried to escape from his grasp, but he always found a way to grab me. Before I could do anything, he had already left irreversible marks on my skin, and his teeth so profusely marked on my neck and shoulders were only a mere memory of the night in which, my best friend, and whom I considered my platonic love, came back to life, seeking that affection and ensuring that, inevitably, the ship of which I was part of its crew never to be seen again by any human being

#yandere #poppa thoughs #obsessive love #poppa things #yandere x you #yandere male #yandere league of legends #league of legends #pyke #yandere pyke #pyke league of Legends #pyke lol #lol #x reader #x male reader #tw Yandere #Yandere blog

14 notes · View notes

skzoologist · 1 year

Text

A special day

word count: ~0.5k

warnings: none

summary: Soft thoughts about Stray Kids.

a/n: It is/was my birthday (on the 27th), so I decided to write this. Because why not share some of my soft, silly thoughts with you all. Pure adoration fills me for them, I truly wish them happiness.

Please let me know if I left a warning or anything out, I will add it in! Reblogs, likes and feedback are greatly appreciated!

!I don't condone anyone stealing my work and posting it anywhere without my permission, or feeding it to AI!

!This is just fiction, my interpretation of Stray Kids. By no means is this how they are and how they behave in real life! ·͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙·͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙

·͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙·͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙

The soft tickle of the sun woke me up, a groan leaving my lips once I realised I was torn away from an amusing dream. It had to do something with an animal? I already couldn’t recall, the action leaving me even more irritated.

Not wanting to wake up yet, I tossed and turned, like a broken machine. Yet, that uncomfortable pain in my back urged me to get out of bed and stretch immediately, so that was what I did, quite begrudgingly might I add.

A few loud pops and a satisfied sigh later, I stood in the middle of the room, just trying to gather my bearings. Turning around, I found my phone, peacefully laying next to my fluffy pillow. Not hesitating, I bent down to grab it, notifications slowly popping up on the now lit up screen.

“It’s gonna be a long day.”

And it was, indeed.

I got back to that same room when the clock was almost ready to strike midnight, preparing for another day. Everything I carried with myself for the day was put away, new things added to the list I received as gifts. A sigh left me as I smiled at them, the fun of the day flashing before my eyes once again.

But no matter how fun it was, my now completely empty social batteries screamed to be charged back up again, thus I quickly got ready for bed and laid down with my laptop; headphones already sat on my head, as if they were molded to exist there. Previously opened tabs started loading in after I turned on the machine, my eyes quickly finding the tab I was searching for.

Music filled my ears, the volume borderline damaging, but I closed my eyes in bliss. It didn’t matter that I didn’t fully understand the lyrics, their pleasant voices soothed me without fail.

I took listening to my favourite songs of theirs as my gift, because that was all I could do. They lived worlds apart from us, the fans, and we could only hope to see them, their true selves without their masks; that what they showed us was real and they were happy.

But sometimes, I wished we could communicate with them somehow. That they would hear us.

“What a silly lil thought, that would never happen.” - I mumbled to myself with a smile, my fingers placed on the keyboard as I opened my document dedicated to them.

I could only pour my love and adoration into that silly fanfiction, hoping they had someone to turn to, to take care of them should they need it, just like in the words that left my heart; my personal ‘love’ letter to them.

#it is extremely self-indulgent but this is tumblr so who cares #so i guess this counts as an x reader but purely platonic (looking at you all)#stray kids x reader #skz x reader #stray kids fluff #skz fluff #stray kids fanfic #skz fanfic #stray kids fic #skz fic #stray kids #skz #drabble #stray kids fanfiction #skz fanfiction

36 notes · View notes

aita-blorbos · 1 year

Note

AITA for lashing out at my little brother? (TW death, s//c/de)

I.. there's a lot to summarize. I'm not sure if I would want to talk about it too much, and I don't want to make this a vent post. But I would have to at least talk about some of my problems to explain, so please excuse my burdens

During this time, I fell into a huge state of depression. Someone I really cared about had recently died from her own wishes and I didn't know how to deal with it. I couldn't get up from bed for almost a year. Almost everything was a huge task for me. I couldn't talk and u could barely eat. It was so weird... my own little brother had to take care of me. Sometimes I feel like he was forced to grow up a little bit just because of me... I'm sorry. He would bring me food to bed and I wouldn't even eat it most of the time. It was very stressful for all of us and I was being selfish while he was just trying to help.

Things weren't changing. Ever day I just got more and more miserable. Another thing is that I didn't feel like I deserved anything. All of my family would constantly take care of me as if I were an infant. I love them but I felt like I didn't deserve it.

I didn't feel a twinge of joy in so long. And at times all I wanted to do was scream.

And sometimes I felt like it was my fault she died.

Everything was just so overwhelming.

At one point, my brother came up to my bed and handed me over some food. I didn't respond at all. I knew I was being rude but during this time I just really, really couldn't talk or eat. I really couldn't socialize. I just needed to stay in bed. Maybe even starve myself. I didn't even feel hungry. I didn't feel anything but pain.

Then he said something that I just... that I just couldn't believe.

I love my little brother. He's amazing and he always tries his best, especially when it comes to helping others.

But he can be really, really blunt.

And oblivious.

When I didn't talk back to him, he said how she would hate to see me like this. The one i loved. The one that died.

I just sort of... snapped. It was so sudden. I know how he didn't mean anything bad, but it was just such a sudden attack from his part.

I had already blamed myself for what happened to her, and he just spelled it out, right there, for me.

I started yelling at him. I couldn't control myself. I started insulting him. Now that I look back at it, even if he tried not showing it, he was definitely hurt by it. I said some pretty nasty things. It was the first time I got out of bed. The sheer anger, grief, just.. everything, all that energy combusted into one sudden outburst.

He didn't deserve it. He was just a kid trying his best. He was just trying to help me. He didn't see how what he said could've hurt me.

But it did.

So much.

Not long afterwards, my parents rushed into the room and hugged me. They haven't seen me like this in ages. But then I saw him just standing there in shock. I could see his tears forming as much as he tried blocking it out.

I hugged him and it was fine. From then on, I started getting back to my old life again. I studied and did chores again. Nothing could ever be the same again, but at least I got the slight energetic push towards.. the right step?

Well, it was certainly better than how I was before.

It's been years since then, we never bring it up and we're on good terms, but I still think about it. And I'm scared it damaged him. I really shouldn't have snapped at him. I'm just wondering if my actions are excusable at all..

Aita?

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality #SUICIDE

16 notes · View notes

lveclouds · 1 year

Text

↬ pairing/characters: spy wonwoo x reader, other members may be mentioned

↬ genre/aus: heavy angst, zero to no fluff (im so sorry, this fic is essentially 100% angst), non idol au, spy au

↬ summary: in which you remember the spy that loved you and how he broke your heart.

↬ rating(s): m,18+ (see warnings)

↬ tw: heavy swearing, sad ending (yep this one’s a sad one folks), mentions of injuries (brief), mild violence (mainly mentions, nothing graphic), wonwoo’s a sweetheart and also self-sacrificing:((, reader needs a huge hug, mild violence (mentions only, no actual scenes depicted), brief mentions of nightmares (brief)

↬ wc: 2.2k

↬ note: this fic was yet another one that came out of nowhere <3 i have zero self control lmao anyways the title of this fic comes from the song ‘moments’ by one direction, and this fic is also loosely based off the song as well <3 this fic WILL hurt, so i apologize in advance for the emotional damage i will cause (im sending all of you the biggest hugs) and yes i listened to an angsty playlist while writing this oops i have zero regrets

tears stung your eyes as you lay curled up in a ball on your bed, clutching a worn stuffed animal to your chest. the bear had been gifted to you by your mother when you were seven, and you'd never had the heart to give it away.

it was times like these, when your heart felt that it would shatter into a million fragments, that you were grateful for the stuffed bear's presence.

your body shook with sobs as images of wonwoo's gorgeous smile flashed across your mind. the memory of his gentle touches and kisses were burned into your skin like a brand.

and if you closed your eyes, you could still see him standing in your small kitchen, raven hair mussed, sweatpants low on his hips, humming softly to himself as he made breakfast, see the utter fondness and adoration in his eyes whenever he looked at you, cleaving your heart in two, never to be fixed or made whole again.

loving wonwoo was as easy as breathing, and you had bared yourself to him, heart and soul. he was gentle, kind, and loved with all his heart. wonwoo wasn't an overly affectionate person, but he showed his love in other ways: through quality time and acts of service.

he would always sit next to you on the spacious living room couch, nose buried in a thick paperback, glasses sliding down his nose, while you watched your favorite drama, happily munching on snacks.

wonwoo wouldn't say anything, and yet, those were the times with him that you had treasured the most. sometimes, the nights would end with you falling asleep on his shoulder, and the warmth and solidness of him was enough.

it was enough to convince you that wonwoo would forever be a permanent presence in your life. hot tears scalded your cheeks, blurring your vision, and you let out a helpless whimper, clutching your teddy bear closer to your chest. the day he left still lingered in your mind, for it'd been the day that your entire world collapsed. wonwoo hadn't yelled, hadn't screamed at you, hadn't lashed out like you'd expected him to.

instead, he had given you a sad, teary-eyed smile, strong arms wrapping themselves around you, holding you flush against him, as if he were reluctant to let go. you had sobbed into his shirt, curling your fingers in the soft fabric, the woodsy scent of his cologne hitting your nose, comforting and familiar.

"i'm sorry, love, i wish it didn't have to be this way, and leaving you, leaving all the memories we made, is the hardest fucking thing i've ever had to do, and one day, i hope you will forgive me for hurting you. i will never be able to live with myself knowing that i did, and i won't blame you if you come to resent me one day. i would."

"thank you for loving me. thank you for loving all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly, and for loving me even with all the blood on my hands, despite all the danger i put you in. the danger that you are put in because you’re with someone like me.” and, after giving you one last kiss, dizzying and enough to make you weak in the knees, he left, taking your heart with him.

you knew wonwoo’s job wasn’t exactly ordinary, as he’d often come home at ungodly hours at night, bone-tired and with the occasional cut or bruise marring his perfect skin, and you hated those nights when you’d had to patch him up, for the sight of him in pain was too much to bear.

wonwoo would sometimes be gone for days, even weeks at a time, unable to be contacted, and you would cry yourself to sleep every night, hoping and praying that he would come back to you, safe and sound.

you’d always felt safe with wonwoo. despite the ruthlessness and mercilessness he showed when dealing with the men that were always chasing after him, it was a great contrast from the gentle touches and kisses you received. wonwoo had never hurt you, had always treated you like fine china, and that to you had been enough.

it hadn’t mattered that scary looking men hunted him down every night, and wonwoo had had to close your eyes everytime he was about to defend himself and you, telling you to close your eyes. close your eyes love, i don’t want you to see this ugly, dark side of me, was what he always said.

wonwoo was a mystery, and though you had managed to get past his seemingly iron clad defenses, there were still things he kept from you. he never talked about his job, nor why he disappeared for a few weeks and came back.

when you had mustered up enough courage to ask him, wonwoo’s entire body grew tense, and you could see the fear dancing in his gorgeous light blue eyes. “do you not trust me?” you had asked, heart breaking at the thought that wonwoo didn’t trust you. devastation had flashed across his face. “of course i trust you, more than anyone in this world.” “then why? why won’t you tell me why you disappear without warning and then come back weeks or even months later? why? are you seeing someone else?”

at that, wonwoo’s jaw flexed, just slightly. “no, of course not, it’s always been you for me, no one else. i can’t tell you why i’m away for weeks and months, it’ll put us in danger if i do. especially you. but promise me love, that you will trust me? i’m trying to find a way out, a way out of this cursed life i was led to live. will you wait for me?” “yes, i’d wait a hundred years for you.”

the tears came faster now, streaming down your face like a waterfall, as you remembered how wonwoo had taken you into his arms afterwards, holding you close and whispering sweet nothings into your ear, rubbing comforting circles on your back. you hated the people that had forced wonwoo to take up a career he didn’t want, and for taking away the one man you had ever loved.

”i won’t blame you if you come to resent me one day. i would.” you let out a choked sob, for you could never resent wonwoo for leaving you, even if it felt as if your heart had been ripped out of your chest. it’d been nearly two years since wonwoo had left, and that had been the last time you’d heard from him.

you’d found out what wonwoo was so hell bent on keeping from you on a rainy day, of all days, and he had been gone for three weeks. the curiosity and urge to know what wonwoo was hiding was overwhelming, and you’d decided to look through the office he’d had installed some summers ago.

after a few hours, your search had proven to be fruitless, and you’d been about to give up when you stumbled upon a worn cardboard box hidden in the closet. with shaking hands, you’d lifted the lid of the box and felt your heart drop into your stomach.

inside was a dozen or so fake ids, passports, and a plethora of classified documents that you didn’t have the courage to go through. you’d sat on the floor in a daze afterwards, mind whirring with a million thoughts, and you weren’t sure if you wanted to laugh or cry at the absurdity of the situation. wonwoo, the selfless and beautiful man you had fallen in love with, was a fucking spy.

said male had arrived home days later, and you had mustered up the courage to confront him about the box he’d hidden in the closet, hot tears streaming staining your cheeks. “am i part of your mission? did the agency want you to pretend to fall in love with me so you could get information? do you even really love me? or has our entire relationship been one complete lie?”

you’d lamented, and the look of absolute horror and devastation that had flashed across wonwoo’s face was enough to feel a pang of guilt shoot through you.

“no, never. while falling in love with you was something i never planned or expected, it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i will never regret it, not even if my life is on the line." you had crumpled to the ground, knees giving out as you collapsed to the floor. wonwoo had immediately rushed over to you, pulling you into his arms and holding you as you sobbed into his chest.

after that, wonwoo began to be more honest with you about his job, telling you that the reason he was away for weeks or even months at a time was because of missions that his boss had demanded him go on. you were grateful that he trusted you not to tell anyone about his job, but you couldn’t help but feel paranoid. paranoid that something terrible was going to happen to you, or god forbid, wonwoo.

and because your intuition was too sharp, you had begun to notice cars tailing you and wonwoo, particularly after dinners and outings with his friends, hoshi, woozi, dokyeom, mingyu, scoups, vernon, joshua, jeonghan, minghao, jun, and seungkwan. then, one night, wonwoo had told you to close your eyes, albeit softly.

“close your eyes, love,” he’d say, “and don’t open them until i say so.” you’d do as wonwoo would say, not daring to open your eyes until he deemed it safe. you faintly remembered the loud boom of a gun, and the loud screech of tires as wonwoo drove like a madman. there were nights where you were too scared to go out, for the fear of being followed or hunted down was overwhelming.

wonwoo had one of his friends, jeonghan, who was an expert in cyber security, install a special security system in your home, and for mingyu and minghao to watch over you while he was away on missions.

you were glad for the aforementioned males’ presence, as they were gentle and kind and always made sure you were okay. there were nights where you would wake up sobbing, due to terrible nightmares, and mingyu or minghao, who were sleeping in the guest rooms down the hall, would come rushing in and pull you into a comforting hug, rubbing soothing circles on your back.

the relief that would course through you whenever wonwoo would come home, unscathed from a mission, was overwhelming. there were many nights spent where he would just hold you, and you would breathe in his comforting woodsy scent, basking in the warmth and familiarity of him.

the day that he told you that his agency was relocating was the worst day of your life. you had begged him not to go, to stay and give up his dangerous career, but wonwoo had smiled sadly, taking you into his arms for the last time, pressing a soft kiss on your forehead. “i wish things were that simple, and i would give up my career for you in a heartbeat, but unfortunately, i can’t just up and leave, even if i wanted to.”

it hurt, everything hurt, and the last words that wonwoo had ever said to you still lingered in your mind. “promise me, love, that if our paths never cross again, if i am not able to come back to you, that you will find the strength to be happy. i won’t be able to live with myself if you aren’t happy and being loved and cherished by someone, even if it’s not me.”

hot tears scalded your cheeks as you sobbed, heart cracking and chest heaving with uneven breaths. i’m sorry, my love, but i don’t i will ever be able to move on. you were the greatest joy in my life, and now that you’ve left me, i have nothing left. i will never be able to love someone as deeply as i did you.

a/n: i’m so sorry y’all :(( i promise my next fic won’t be as depressing slkdljkjfdj anyways i hope you all enjoyed this sad fic, i honestly nearly cried writing this. i am sending you all the biggest hugs, and know that you are important and loved <3

tagging: @sketchguk , @playmetheclassics, @skyjoong , @adulttoast, @taeyo95 , @seokmins @shuashong , @joonminshua + anyone else who wants to read this :)

#mine #wonwoo x reader #seventeen

33 notes · View notes

tenebraevesper · 1 year

Text

Sonic Cyber Revolution, Entry 26: The Chosen One

''I can't remember anything at all. I've been turning it all around. I'm sorry, oh so sorry. Is this what I have become? Wish I may, wish I might be someone else tonight. Sometimes I wish I was never born at all. And I'll try to save the world, 'cause in the end I know I'm the chosen one! I'm the chosen one…''

– The Chosen One by Shadow the Hedgehog

xXxXxXx

''This is your end, rodent!'' Eggman pressed a button on the Egg Hornet, causing it to fire homing missiles at Sonic. The blue hedgehog dodged them, grabbing one of the missiles and redirecting them towards Eggman. The Doctor flew up to avoid them, with Sonic attempting to spin dash into it, only to hit an energy field Eggman generated around the Egg Hornet. ''Ha! Stupid hedgehog!''

Sonic bounced off the energy field, crashing into the footbridge below, much to Eggman's glee. Sonic, on the other hand, felt a pounding headache, shaking his head as he tried to figure out what had happened. Sure, he still had enough energy and willpower left to fight against Eggman, but given how the Doctor showed up with a new toy and he had no clue what to do about it, he knew that he'd need help with this battle. Sonic got up, looking around and noting the pedestrians who saw what was going on keeping a clear distance from him, so at least he was assured no one would get hurt. However, he couldn't promise that there won't be some collateral damage.

''What's the matter, Sonic? Have you already had enough?'' Eggman asked him in a mocking tone.

''You may have caught me off guard with your newest toy, Egghead, but let me make something clear – I don't give up!'' Sonic responded, running across the footbridge and towards a nearby building. Eggman activated the drills in the Egg Hornet, chasing after Sonic, but the cobalt hedgehog was too fast, having ran up the building and leaping into the air, performing a homing attack strong enough to knock the Egg Hornet back. He landed on the footbridge again, dashing off to avoid another barrage of homing missiles.

Maybe if I used the same move on I used on Metal earlier, I could destroy the Egg Hornet. But, I need to build up energy first, Sonic thought, only for his eyes to widen when he saw a toddler running out on the street just as a homing missile was about to hit her, her mother screaming for her. He sped up, picking the toddler up and rushing back just as the missile exploded, leaving a small crater on the street.

''Thank you so much!'' the mother gasped in relief as Sonic arrived with her daughter, hugging the young girl.

''I'm just doing my best protecting people, ma'am,'' Sonic replied, smiling back. He then turned to Eggman, who had a wide grin on his expression. Sonic frowned. ''Hey, Eggman, how about leaving innocent people out of this battle?! Wasn't this battle supposed to be between you and me?''

''If you stood still for one second, it would be already over!'' Eggman responded, turning on the drills and flying after Sonic. ''So, stop complaining!''

Sonic bounced off the building, with Eggman hitting it and growling that Sonic dodged the attack, following up in a zig-zag pattern. Sonic knew that this battle won't be easy.

xXx

Lucas was dashing down the street on his hoverboard, searching for any sign of Sonic. His partner still had the tracker on, making it easier for Lucas to find Sonic. However, he stopped for a moment when he saw a holographic screen above an electronics store, with a small crowd gathering around the news broadcast reported by Midorikawa and Kero, who were standing behind a building, observing the battle further down the street.

''Breaking news! Dr. Eggman, the man who had taken over the Buddy Bots and unleashed them across Neos City has returned and it appears that he's currently in the middle of a fight with a… spiky blue mouse?'' Midorikawa rose an eyebrow, confused by Sonic's appearance.

''I think that's a hedgehog,'' Kero corrected her, both watching as Sonic performed another homing attack, only to be once again blocked by the energy field. Kero then got suddenly startled by when Midorikawa placed her fingers in her mouth and whistled loudly, drawing Eggman's attention.

''Hey, Dr. Eggman! Is it possible to get an exclusive interview with you?'' she asked. Eggman flew up to her.

''An interview?'' Eggman looked genuinely interested. ''I suppose I might spare some time for one, but first, I have a pest to crush!'' Eggman then flew up, firing another barrage of missles.

While the crowd watched what was going, mesmerized, Lucas just sweatdropped at Midorikawa's attempt of trying to get an interview. ''Man, she is really dedicated to her job.''

He then quickly dashed off on his hoverboard, wanting to help his partner. Unknown to him, there was another figure in the crowd, his hands crossed on his back, having his head turned towards Lucas as he left, before looking back at what was going on on the screen, observing it with calm interest.

''This is quite a spectacle, I suppose…''

The figure in question was an anthropomorphic platypus with white fur that covered most of his body. His bill was black-colored and narrow with nostrils on the front, and he possessed red eyes, black eyelids, and a thick tail. He also had three thick hair turfs on his head that were combed over the right side of his head. His front hair turf also possessed a gray highlight. For attire, he wore a satin purple shirt with golden cufflinks, a red-violet vest, and orange pince-nez glasses. He also wore a webbed brown glove on his left hand with a gold insertion clip and golden-tipped fingertips. A darker brown ring could be seen on the palm of the glove. He also wore brown boots with golden buckles, red-violet soles, medium-high heels, the golden spurs and upward-turned pointy toes and light red-violet socks underneath.

''Perhaps, a little too chaotic for my taste,'' Dr. Starline muttered under his breath, then smirked sinisterly, glancing at the empty golden insertion clip on his glove. ''Although, I might take advantage of this.''

xXx

Tails fired his laser gun at the last Egg Pawn, it falling over, while Knuckles punched through one of the crystals the shadow-like figure had created, allowing Silver to fire a blast of psychokinesis energy at it, destroying it. He floated down where the shadow-like figure stood earlier, staring at it, his brow furrowed.

''What's the matter Silver?'' Makoto asked his partner.

''I… I'm just thinking about something. These things summoned a fire that was quite similar to-'' Before Silver could finish his thought, Lily called out for them.

''Guys, Sonic and Eggman are on the news!''

''What?''

Everyone rushed towards her, looking at the holographic screen she was holding, which showed them the video of Eggman and Sonic fighting.

''I thought he was fighting Metal Sonic,'' Knuckles noted. ''What happened?''

''It doesn't matter. We need to go help him!'' Tails insisted. With that said, they quickly left.

xXx

Sonic was running down the street, dodging Buzz Bombers as Eggman had summoned to take care of him, enjoying himself as his enemy ran from the laser blasts, a stray blast hitting the camera the cameraman who followed Midorikawa and Kero. Sonic took a moment to stop by them.

''Get out of here before you get hurt!'' he told them. ''I got this.''

''Hey, maybe we could also get an interview with the hero who is trying to defend Neos City from the terrorist,'' Midorikawa suggested, a wide grin on her expression. Sonic shrugged, giving her an uncertain look.

''Honestly, I don't do interviews- Yikes!'' Sonic had to leap back, dodging another laser blast and turning to the Buzz Bombers, glaring at them. ''Okay, I have enough of you guys! Time to turn you into scrap metal!''

However, before he could do anything, a hammer came flying, hitting one of the Buzz Bombers and knocking them into another, causing both to explode. Sonic turned around, relieved to see Amy, who summoned another Piko Piko Hammer, followed closely by Lucas and Minami.

''Nice shot, Ames!'' Sonic said.

''Thanks!'' Amy responded, both hedgehogs now facing Eggman, who frowned, glaring daggers at her.

''Toshiro and Mephiles were supposed to keep you busy,'' he grumbled under his breath. ''Nevermind, I still can- What now?!'' Eggman looked down at the screen as Orbot and Cubot called him, cowering when he suddenly snapped, ''Why are you calling me now?! I'm busy!''

''We're sorry, Boss, but we got a problem,'' Orbot started.

''We also got a body,'' Cubot added. Eggman was a bit shocked by the news.

''What are you talking about?!'' he growled.

''It is the Egg Base Sigma. The Egg Pawns have found Prof. Sakamoto's body and the systems have been infiltrated and the files have been either corrupted or deleted,'' Orbot explained. ''You might want to see this for yourself, Boss. The video surveillance has captured everything.''

Eggman went silent for a moment, glancing past the monitor at Sonic and Amy, who were currently fighting off the Buzz Bombers. After giving it a thought, observing the video Orbot and Cubot had sent him and seeing Toshiro and Mephiles walking inside Egg Base Sigma, he made a decision.

''It seems like you'll get off easily, hedgehog, but we'll see each other soon!'' Eggman said, much to Sonic's surprise and confusion.

''Hey, wait a minute, what are you-?'' Sonic cut himself off as the Buzz Bombers suddenly appeared before him and Amy, covering Eggman as he turned the Egg Hornet around. ''Amy, launch me up!''

''Got it!'' Amy nodded, with Sonic curling up into a ball and hit him with her hammer. Sonic flew above the Buzz Bombers, right towards the Egg Hornet. However, Eggman saw this, pressing another button that unleashed another homing missle, hitting Sonic mid-air and knocking him out.

''Sonic!'' Lucas shouted as the cobalt hedgehog fell, dazed from the explosion, while Eggman laughed gleefully that he got the last hit on his nemesis.

There was a sudden flash of light blue light, with a dark figure catching Sonic mid-air, followed by another flash of light, with both the dark figure and Sonic landing on the ground safely. Sonic groaned in pain, feeling dazed and his vision clearing as he looked up at the person who saved him and was currently carrying him bridal style.

''Shadow?'' Sonic was stunned to see his rival.

''You can't go one day without running into trouble, do you?'' Shadow responded. Sonic's eyes narrowed.

''I don't think you're the one to talk about avoiding trouble,'' he responded.

Shadow avoided his gaze, clearly feeling troubled, but then added in an irked tone, ''Do you want me to drop you, Faker?''

''Nah, I'm good. Feels nice being carried around,'' Sonic responded, smirking. Shadow just rolled his eyes and dropped him regardless, with Sonic hitting the ground with a hard 'thud'.

Meanwhile, Amy quickly took care of the Buzz Bombers, while Lucas got contacted by Warren. ''Hey, guys, where are you? We saw the news broadcast about Sonic fighting against Eggman.''

''Dr. Eggman left a moment ago. Let's meet up and discuss what just happened,'' Lucas responded. ''Would it be possible for all of us to have a meeting at your workshop?''

''No problem! We're on our way,'' Warren replied, cancelling the call. Lucas then turned to the rest of the team.

''Okay guys, we're going to the Taylor Workshop to talk with the others about what happened,'' he announced.

''All right!'' Sonic turned to Shadow. ''Hey, where's Touka? And have you seen Rouge anywhere? She was supposed to pick you two up.'' Shadow just gave him an intense look, then turned on his heel and walked away, much to Sonic's confusion. ''Uh, hey, Shads? Shadow!''

Shadow didn't respond, with Sonic wanting to run over to him, but was stopped by another familiar voice, ''Don't bother, Big Blue, you won't get him to talk.''

''Rouge?'' Sonic, Lucas, Amy and Minami were surprised to see her, not really having expected that Rouge might still stick around. She landed in front of them, glancing at Lucas.

''If you want information on what had happened, I can provide it to you… at least part of it. Something happened to your friends before I had arrived and from the looks of it, really messed with their heads,'' Rouge explained.

''I see. Thanks for sticking around,'' Lucas responded. Rouge just shrugged.

''Don't worry, dear, I decided to stay for my own reasons,'' she replied.

xXx

Shadow had walked into an alleyway, where he had left Touka, sitting on the ground, curled up. She was still unresponsive, and unlike Shadow, she was still wearing the dress she had found and was covered in Sakamoto's blood, not caring about her appearance. Shadow stepped in front of her, staring at her with a solemn look. Aside from stopping Sakamoto by pretending to be Tomoe, she didn't show any other reaction. It was clear to him that this whole thing took a toll on her mind.

''Touka, do you want to go home?'' Shadow asked her softly. At first, Touka's didn't appear to react to his question, but then gave the tiniest of nods. She extended her hand, with Shadow taking it, and they disappeared in a flash of light.

xXx

Rouge hummed as she walked up to a shelf filled with all kinds of gadgets and parts, taking one and turning on her heel to examine it under the light, only to come face-to-face with Knuckles, how gave her a stern gaze.

''I suggest you to put that back where you found it,'' he told her. Rouge just rolled her eyes.

''I was just taking a look at it,'' she replied, placing the device back on the shelf, then smirked at Knuckles. ''Or, do you want to tell me that I should take a better look at you, handsome?''

Knuckles rose an eyebrow. ''No, I'm just making sure that you're not going to steal anything.''

Rouge sighed, realizing that some stuff will fly over the echidna's head. The two turned back to the rest of the group, with Silver asking the obvious.

''Where are Shadow and Touka? Are we waiting for them?'' The grey hedgehog turned to Lucas for answers.

''No, they won't be attending this meeting,'' Lucas replied in a serious tone, drawing everyone's attention. ''Okay, so the reason I called you all is to make sense of what the hell had happened today.''

''Well, what's there to explain? You guys got attacked by Ferra and Metal Sonic, and we got attacked by Badniks and those shadow-like beings…'' Lily trailed off, raising an eyebrow. The figures did sort of look familiar to her, but she couldn't remember where she had seen them.

''Yeah, that's right,'' Sonic replied. ''To bring you up to speed, Metal Sonic and Ferra are capable of using Chaos Surge and they're good at it.''

''Well, that's just peachy,'' Lily commented sarcastically, while Rouge gave the group an intrigued look. There was certainly a lot of interesting information to gather.

''It looks like Dr. Eggman was hoping for the Badniks to keep us separated so he could attack Sonic,'' Lucas added.

''That makes sense considering during the last attack, we all team tagged him and took down the Death Egg Robot,'' Warren said.

''Ah, so he's learning,'' Sonic said, drawing some chuckles from his friends.

''Which brings us to the next point – why the hell were the copies of Mephiles the Dark leading those Badniks?'' Minami asked.

''Ah, so that's why they were familiar!'' Lily punched her fist against her palm, having an 'Aha!' moment.

''Mephiles?'' Knuckles rose an eyebrow, giving Lily a confused look. There were a few other confused looks coming from the non-human part of the group.

''He was another of the Sonic video game character. The game had a lot of issues, though, so I'm not surprised people kind of forgot about it. Or just don't want to remember it,'' Minami added in a dismissive tone, waving her hand. ''In any case, it looks like this Mephiles might not have the same backstory as Mephiles in the video game, unless...''

Minami trailed off, her eyes widening, with Makoto quickly picking up on her train of thought, ''Unless the Flames of Calamity, Iblis, suddenly appears.''

There was a moment of silence, as everyone just processed their own encounters with Mephiles' copies and the fact that they had a certain pyrokinetic ability. Silver then broke the silence, frowning as he said in a grave tone, ''It's not Iblis. It's Ignis Infernalis – the Infernal Fire that had destroyed my future.''

''So, you want to say that Mephiles may have destroyed your future?'' Tails asked.

''I don't know, but this is too much of a coincidence to be ignored and I want to investigate this further,'' Silver replied.

''I suppose this brings us to what I had experienced,'' Rouge said, sitting on the table, her legs crossed. ''I can verify that your friends had indeed been abducted by Mephiles and his partner, but I don't really know what exactly had happened before I had arrived.'' Her eyes narrowed as she added in a more serious tone, ''Whatever they had done to your friends, it broke Touka. The last I saw her, she seemed to have suffered from some kind of mental breakdown. She just… shut down.''

''I guess that explains why Shadow left so soon,'' Sonic commented, his tone solemn.

''That's not even the worst of it,'' Rouge continued. ''Does the name Hiroshi Sakamoto ring a bell?''

''Yes… Now, how do you know about him?'' Knuckles gave her a suspicious look. Rouge's eyes narrowed as she paused for a moment.

''That's because we saw him get murdered,'' she said, much to the shock of everyone around her. ''Mephiles had skewered him with one of those crystals.''

Silence filled the room as they processed the new information. They all knew that Sakamoto was Shadow's creator and one of the leading scientists at the Codex Research Facility, and that he had been missing for at least a year, so hearing that he had been murdered by Mephiles and Touka and Shadow witnessed that, was disturbing to say the least.

''You were at one of Eggman's bases, right?'' Lucas asked, breaking the silence. Rouge just nodded. Lucas frowned, muttering under his breath, ''So, is it possible that Prof. Sakamoto was working with Dr. Eggman the whole past year?''

There was no answer. Instead, Amy asked, ''What are we supposed to do now? I'm worried about how Shadow and Touka are handling the situation.''

''Honestly, I think it would be a good idea to give them some time and space to process what had happened,'' Makoto suggested. ''We can talk to them once they're ready.''

''I think that's a good idea,'' Lucas replied, glancing at Sonic. The latter had his head lowered, clearly thinking about his teammates. Lucas knew his partner well enough to be aware that Sonic wouldn't let this be so easily.

xXx

Three days… Three days of complete radio silence from both Touka and Shadow. Lucas had sent Touka a message to ask her how she's doing, but there was no reply. She didn't even read it.

''We should go check on them.''

''I'm not sure. You know that neither Touka and Shadow have a tendency to check their messages. Maybe we should leave them alone for the time being.''

''I don't think so. What if they never answer?''

''…''

Sonic frowned as he sped through the streets of Neos City, the conversation he had with Lucas still echoing in his head. He knew that Lucas was worried about Touka and Shadow, but unlike his partner, he felt that they should actually confront the two rather to leave them on their own. Still, he agreed to wait. Fortunately, he didn't have to worry about Eggman, as the Doctor didn't show up after the attack three days ago. He and the rest of the gang had figured that he was occupied with something else, with Rouge having admitted that she did mess with the computer at the Egg Base, so he would remain busy with that.

So, in the meantime, Sonic decided to occupy himself with testing out his new ability, which he referred to as the ''Boost''. He had figured out that, in order to trigger it, he would have to remain focused and steady while he increased his speed in small bursts. It did drain him of his own energy, but it was something he could use without using Chaos Surge, so he felt it was worth it. While his stamina was finite, he had more than enough of it for the training sessions. As a matter of fact, he actually wanted to show off his new ability to Shadow, maybe challenge him to a race. However, given the current circumstances, he wondered whether that was even possible.

What I didn't tell Lucas was that I also sent a few messages to Shadow, asking him how he's doing. Sonic sweatdropped as he pondered about the ebony hedgehog's reactions to his messages, figuring that his rival was probably annoyed by them. At least he could see that he was reading them, so that was a good thing. I still don't think that's a good idea, leaving them alone without even knowing whether they'll be fine or not. Sonic hummed. Maybe I should pay them a little visit, just in case.

Grinding to a halt, he turned around on his heel and sped right towards the Kageura residence.

xXx

''…''

Touka was lying in her bed, having pulled the blanket over her head and staring at the wall, her back turned towards Shadow. The ebony hedgehog was sitting on the swivel chair, just staring at her in silence as he thought about how things have been like this the past three days. After he had warped both of them home, Touka went to the bathroom, closing it right behind her and didn't come out of it for hours. When she did, Shadow noted how she had washed off Sakamoto's blood, having thrown Tomoe's light blue dress into the trash, and how her eyes were dark and red, having clearly spent a good amount of time crying her heart out. She barely spoke as she walked into her room, her only words being:

''I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to be left alone.''

That was the last 'conversation' they had before Touka once again completely shut down emotionally, barely even acknowledging him.

Shadow felt an overwhelming sense of guilt while watching her like this, just wasting away, but there was nothing he could do. There were times when he wanted to talk to Touka, but what was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to comfort her? He knew what was on her mind, but at the same time, he felt like she was a complete stranger to him. This was not the Touka he knew; she wasn't the determined, mischievous and protective older sister who took comforted him when he was at his lowest, who was defiant to the point of going against anyone who had authority or control over them and making them listen to her. She was always so strong, something Shadow deeply admired, but now? Now she was broken, a former shell of herself.

Shadow blamed himself for this, even though he knew that this was not his fault whatsoever. He wished that he could've done more to protect her, to shield her from the unfortunate truth. They both wanted to learn more about their past and they dug to deep, eventually getting buried in it. And when he didn't feel guilt, he was overwhelmed by the sensation of rage, the same kind he felt when he woke up after years of believing his beloved sister had died at his hand. The voice in the back of his mind returned, convinced him to find someone, anyone, and take his anger out on them, to punish them for what they had done to Touka. The first person who came to his mind was Sakamoto… and that's when the voice turned cold and the memory of his death replayed in his mind over and over again, like a broken tape. Shadow felt not pity for the man after what he had done to them, but the sudden brutality of his death did make his stomach squirm.

Shadow's ears twitched at the sound of voices coming from downstairs. He glanced at the hatch, unable to make out anything specific with his sensitive hearing, but he was sure that there was someone else in the downstairs besides Kisaki. He glanced at Touka, who hadn't moved from her position, having refused to leave her room unless absolutely necessary. He wanted to be there for her, and yet he couldn't.

He felt like a failure.

Sighing, Shadow got up and opened the hatch, leaping down into the hallway and walking to the stairs, the voices becoming louder. He stopped in the middle of the stairs, where he wouldn't be seen by anyone but still hear the ongoing conversation in the living room. Just as he had assumed, one of the voices was Kisaki's, but the other…

Sonic. Shadow frowned harder, clenching his fist as he listened in.

''Thanks once again for letting me in, Kisaki,'' Sonic said as Kisaki brought him a coaster and a glass of orange juice. ''I guess Shadow and Touka are at home as well, right?''

''Yeah, they are,'' Kisaki replied, as she sat down on the couch, sighing heavily. ''Unfortunately, neither of them is in the mood to talk. Touka has basically locked herself up in her room and Shadow refuses to say anything. I only see him whenever he comes down to get food for Touka.'' She pressed her fingers against her temple. ''I don't know what is going on with the two. Just a few days ago, they were both fine, if a little brooding, but now…''

Kisaki trailed off, clearly deeply concerned by the whole situation. Sonic's ears were pinned back as he thought about whether he should tell her what he knew. He wasn't that familiar with the relationship Touka and Shadow had from Kisaki, aside from the fact that Kisaki was Touka's adoptive mother on paper only and Touka never considered her a parental figure. However, seeing just how worried Kisaki was about her adoptive daughter, he decided that it would be the right thing to say something.

''I've heard that the two had been through a really traumatizing event. I don't know the details, though,'' Sonic responded. It wasn't a complete lie – he really didn't know all the details besides what Rouge had told them about witnessing Sakamoto's death, but he figured that Kisaki was better off without knowing that part. He reached for the orange juice, taking a sip out of the glass.

''I see… Thanks for telling me,'' Kisaki muttered, noting how Sonic was glancing at the stairs after putting the glass back on the coaster and fidgeting anxiously. ''If you want to talk to them, you can try, but I doubt you'll suceed.''

''I know you said that Touka and Shadow refuse to talk to you, but I'm persistent. Maybe I could get them…'' Sonic trailed off when Kisaki shook her head.

''It's not just that,'' she said, taking a deep breath. ''Listen, I know Touka and Shadow for a long time now, and when it comes to Touka, her being this closed off is not normal. I have never seen her behave like this, and I fear that, whatever had happened, it may have broken her mind. However, before you even get to talk to her, you would have to deal with Shadow.''

''Don't worry, I already know how to handle him,'' Sonic replied confidently, only to be met with Kisaki shaking her head again.

''I'm sure that you're well aware of just how protective Shadow is of Touka,'' Kisaki started, with Sonic nodding, having witnessed it first-hand. ''This kind of loyalty runs quite deep, and when put in the right mindset, Shadow will refuse to listen to anyone but Touka. This is one of those situations.'' Kisaki glanced at the stairs. ''I had tried to go to talk to Touka, but Shadow refuses to let me inside the room. He had told me that Touka wants to be left alone, and he's enforcing her will with an iron fist. So, unless you want to get caught up in a fight, I doubt you'll get through any of them.''

''So, Touka willingly put herself into isolation and Shadow's supporting her decision,'' Sonic voiced his thoughts, a little astounded. He knew that these two weren't particularly social, but he felt that this was going too far. He then gave Kisaki a confident grin. ''Well, I'm not afraid to get into a fight if necessary. I already know how Shadow is like.''

''There is one more thing I need to tell you,'' Kisaki added, feeling a tiny spark of hope when she saw just how confident Sonic was. She had to wonder if the blue hedgehog would be able to get drag the two out of their self-imposed isolation. ''I don't think Shadow wants this either.''

''You mean, isolating himself and Touka?'' Sonic asked, giving her a curious look. Kisaki nodded.

''Shadow may not be someone who is open with his emotions, but I could tell that he's frustrated with the whole situation and himself, and he doesn't know how to fix it. He knows Touka is hurt and he's doing everything in his power to prevent anyone from hurting her further, even if it means to keep her isolated.''

''That's even more reason for me to confront him,'' Sonic responded, grinning confidently. ''Just leave it all to me. I'm sure I'll be able to fix this.''

Shadow, who was listening to this, scowled, and walked back upstairs into his and Touka's bedroom, not wanting to listen to anything anymore. To his surprise, he saw Touka on her feet, all dressed up. She still had that solemn look on her expression, but she wasn't anymore hiding under the bedcovers.

''Touka, are you-?''

''I wanted to go outside. Are you coming with me?'' Touka asked, extending her arm. Shadow nodded, taking it and he could feel through his glove that her hand was cold and clammy. She was clearly not feeling well, but he figured that this was still better than nothing. There was a flash of blue light, and a moment later, they vanished.

A few minutes passed, with Sonic opening the hatch to the room, surprised to see that it was empty. ''Hey, they're gone!''

''What? But, we didn't see them leave!'' Kisaki shouted back from downstairs. Sonic ran up to her.

''They probably warped away. Don't worry, I'll find them and talk some sense into them,'' he said. Kisaki just put her hand over her mouth, supporting her elbow with her other hand as the hedgehog dashed off, hoping that he was right.

xXx

After walking around for a bit, Touka and Shadow ended up at a playground, both sitting down on the swings. Touka was still miserable, staring at the ground before her, her eyes still not having that spark of life, but they didn't appear as empty as they were before. At least, Shadow hoped that this was the case. He instead opted to observe the game of football a group of children and ARNavs played on the football field across them, cheering loudly whenever one of them scored a goal. He figured that they would be spending the later afternoon once again in silence.

''Shadow…'' Shadow perked up, his expression showing visible surprise and confusion when Touka actually spoke up. ''I'm sorry.''

''You're sorry? For what?'' Shadow asked.

''For everything,'' Touka responded, her voice hollow. ''Everything that happened, all that suffering… It's my fault. I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess.''

''You don't have anything to apologize for,'' Shadow protested, a sense of dread crawling down his spine. Touka shook her head, lowering her head.

''I… I wasn't supposed to be like this…'' she said, shaking. ''I'm… I don't deserve any of this. I-I stole another person's life. I'm living a lie.'' Touka bit her lip, feeling as if someone was outright choking her. She couldn't breathe. ''I… Sometimes, I wish I was never created at all.''

Shadow felt like he was thrown into icy cold water, any breath he had vanishing and his eyes wide as he stared at his older sister. He knew that the situation was bad, but he had no idea it was this grim.

''Touka, don't say things like that!'' he suddenly shouted at her, only to immediately regret it.

''Shadow, please, just leave…'' Touka turned to him, her tone suddenly firm. Her eyes were still hazy from the tears, but there was an unmistakable look of determination in them. ''I don't want you to be around me anymore,… for your sake. You've done enough for me. More than enough.''

Shadow stared at her silently, unable to come up with a response. He wanted to respect her wish, but at the same time, he feared what would happened if he did. Sighing, Shadow got up and stepped in front of Touka.

''If I leave now and return later, will you still be here?'' he asked, his ruby eyes narrowing as he stared straight at her. Touka didn't respond. ''Touka, promise me that you will be here when I return.''

''Shadow, I…''

''Promise!''

Touka was caught off guard when Shadow suddenly snapped at her, staring at him for a moment, before slowly nodding.

''I promise,'' she whispered. Shadow just nodded in response and turned around, walking away. He hated the idea of leaving her alone, but if that was what she wanted, he wanted to respect it. He knew that while he was away, he'd be clutching onto this promise with his dear life, his only hope that Touka wouldn't do something to endanger herself.

Besides, he still had something else he needed to take care of. He walked onto the street and, just as he predicted, saw a blue streak of light zooming towards him. Sonic was relieved to have found Shadow, having searched the whole city for him and Touka.

''Hey, Shads, I was just-!''

POW!

Before Sonic could even finish his sentence, he was sent flying by Shadow, who punched him straight in the face. Sonic landed on the ground, shaking his head and rubbing his cheek, which was burning to the touch. He stared at Shadow, who was glaring daggers at him as he approached him, hands balled into fists, baring his fangs, completely livid.

''What makes you think that you have the right to stick your nose into my personal matters?!''

Shadow took another step as Sonic quickly got up. ''Shads, I know that you're angry, but I just want to help you.''

''I don't want your help!''

Shadow grabbed Sonic by his neck, lifting him up as they vanished in a flash of blue light. Sonic then felt a sharp pain in his back as Shadow slammed him against a wall. He realized that the wall was actually the underpass where they had one of their previous battles, not too far from the park they were previously at.

''I have enough of your self-righteousness! Only because you get to play hero, you think you can now be everyone's savior!'' Shadow growled furiously. ''Let me make something clear, Sonic! You can't fix everything! You can't fix me and you can't fix Touka! So stop trying!''

Shadow suddenly stumbled back as Sonic managed to kick him in the stomach, forcing him to let go of his rival. Sonic rubbed his neck, taking a deep breath. ''Okay, I get it. You're frustrated that things are falling apart. I understand. However, if you just talked to me about what happened, then…''

''There is nothing to talk about,'' Shadow cut him off, his tone harsh and cold. He was done with Sonic's antics. Sonic, on the other hand, sighed.

''Okay, then. I guess we'll have to do it the hard way,'' he said, stretching his arms above his head before getting into a battle stance and smirking. ''You know, I was actually looking forward to this, Faker.''

''I'll make you regret ever approaching me in the first place,'' Shadow responded.

The two hedgehogs then rushed forward into another clash.

Links:

#Previous Chapter

#Current Chapter

#Next Chapter

#Sonic Cyber Revolution (Masterlist)

#Sonic Cyber Revolution #sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #dr eggman #amy rose #rouge the bat #knuckles the echidna #miles tails prower #silver the hedgehog #dr starline #metal sonic #mephiles the dark #knuxouge #sonadow #sonic the hedgehog 2006 #shadow the hedgehog 2005 #idw sonic

25 notes · View notes

probablyjustamagpie · 5 months

Text

a letter I’ll never send-

Hey [Redacted].

I wore out those black jeans today. They don’t fit over my hips anymore. I stopped weighing myself ages ago- but I’m a good twenty heavier than the last time I saw you. I cried, like, a lot over it. It’s a hard transition for some reason, but I’m happier than I’ve been in a long while, at least most of the time.

Y’know you were good to me in a lot of ways. You took an interest in my interests - you were the only partner I felt I could show my real gender too (I still remember you calling me your big strong man, calling me he when no one else would’ve dared, and that was euphoria there, the genuine joy of nblnb) - you cared about my pain, even. But at the end of the day it always came back to you. Your problems your interests your damage. I could never be big around you because you had to be bigger. If I was in pain you had to be the knight in shining armor - even when I didn’t need help. Even literally, you wanted to whittle me away like your anorexia had done to you, and for your information 120 wasn’t me being heavy, it was me being underweight and sick, even if I was “the heaviest girl you ever dated”. I wonder often what you would think of me now. I chopped my hair, pierced my nose and got four more in my ears - I picked up sailing again (I remember wanting to cry on the way to your house, knowing my friends were out there in the wind and waves), I even got a tattoo, to remind myself how far I’ve come. I gave up trying to be smaller in every way to fit someone else’s ideal. You taught me what to look out for - that’s one thing you were good for. Becoming an example of what to avoid. I pity you, nowadays, rather that idolize. You were - and I bet still are - a flawed, flawed person. You hurt me in ways nobody has ever hurt me before - you abused me, degraded me, sexualized my existence and tried to force me into place, below you, always below you. I could never have space for my own wishes, wants, desires. I resented you. I still do. I hate what you did to me, hate what you made of me, the way you carved away my innocence and made me both terrified and feral, rending peace from my soul and plunging me into a raging sea of fear. I’m still clawing my way out of the niche you created for me to live in. I know I am braver, stronger, and kinder than you will ever be. I am not perfect, but I am not the damaged goods you made of me.

Yeah, it’s hard. You haunt the hallways of my brain, whispering insults and trying to drown out my own voice in the hard moments. We had beautiful moments together, yknow? And maybe sometimes I miss it - but I don’t miss you. I miss the flea market, and the peace of nature walks, and lying in a hammock under the stars, but I don’t miss the ugly ball of shame and anxiety every time you dragged me into your room, the fear I felt when I entered your house and heard your awful mother begin to yell. The horror in my heart when your hands began to wander. Vividly I recall the darkness of your room that night I had the bad high. When you laid me on your bed and I felt like a child who needed to flee and you kissed me and I said no, and you sucked my neck as I pushed you off, bleary and uncoordinated as I tried to escape but couldn’t quite stay awake or aware and you suffocated me with kisses. The hands around my neck all those times you fucked me, hands over my mouth as my lungs screamed to say no. I didn’t have a choice. I’d seen your rages, the horrible fits you would throw, the tantrums I’d soothed many times over as you begged me not to leave, to love you, to do ask you asked of me. I was terrified. I covered the hickeys with concealer in your bathroom.

I still get scared I’ll see you at the cardiologist. When I’m at our old school, visiting my friends, I worry I’ll see you - but I know you have nothing left there. Because you weren’t a good person. And people knew that. It’s no wonder you had no friends - you were a black hole of self righteousness and rage, and you pulled the light right out of the room.

It shouldn’t have taken that many no’s for you to stop, you know. That’s assault too. Cooney held me as I cried last time I was at the theater because the echo of fear lingered, haunting that stairwell when you dragged me away from my friends and my responsibilities because you wanted a quick fuck. I hated you. I hated how everyone saw me because no wasn’t an answer I could give.

And we had our beautiful moments. We had our fun. But I’d trade it in a heartbeat for someone who never treated me the way you did. There is more to life than sex. There is more to life than grades and self-flagellation. You’re not the center of the cosmos, you are not some genius send to earth by God, you were a broken boy who refused to heal and chose to take it out on others who never asked for it. I wasn’t a perfect partner - I wanted to hurt you, there in the end, I wanted you to feel every ounce of shame and pain and anxiety you caused me, so of course I told you I’d take another man over you if he showed any interest. It didn’t even have to be true. I just wanted you to feel a fraction of the hell you caused me. I wanted you to understand how terrible you made me feel, how totally you had ruined my life.

But you’ll get your dues in the end. You’ll cause your own downfall - I’m sure of it. Maybe someday, you’ll be in a dead end job you hate and have to write an article about me living the dream and discovering dinosaurs. And you’ll realize you’re only worth what you work for and what you’ve earned - not what you believe you deserve because the gods dealt you a shitty hand. The world does not owe you anything for the abuse. It owes me nothing for the pain I’ll never escape or the trauma I’ve gained. It’s not about owing at all. I put good out into the universe, and hope maybe someone else will have a better day for it, and that makes me feel full and satisfied . You put others down to build yourself up, and someday that’s how you’ll starve yourself of anything real and good and true in the world. But maybe you’d want that. As for me, I’ll grow fat and happy and wear out my jeans, and I’ll thrive on love and laughter and genuine connection; and maybe, you’ll get the body of your dreams. A skeleton: rotted, cold and alone, not even an ounce of fat left on your bones.

Good bye and good riddance, [Redacted]. May our paths never cross. Go to therapy, stay single. Eat more food - this time, with your mouth closed.

- Moonlight

#magpie chirps #tw sa #tw sa vent #tw weight #vent post #tw abuse #tw domestic abuse #fibromyalgia #my writing

1 note · View note

fortunesrevolver · 2 years

Text

Laptops Make Fantastic Weapons

To be clear, I never actually used my laptop as a weapon, but during my first semester away from home at university, I almost did. Like, almost launched it directly at someone’s face.

It wasn’t even my laptop. It was a laptop loaned to me by the school… but I like to believe they wouldn’t have charged me for damages if it was in self-defence.

I don’t think it’s any sort of secret that I went to Northern Michigan University up in Marquette. The city itself was lovely and the University was the largest city around. Even so, it was pretty isolated, but I still loved it there. Sometimes I wish I could go back or even move up there, but I don’t think I’d handle the isolation by myself very well long-term.

The point being, I was about 12-ish hours away from home long-term by myself for the first time in my life. Both a big step and a terrifying one.

Keep that in mind.

It was less than one month into my new uni life. I was still adjusting to all of it — sharing a room with someone new I didn’t know, setting a good schedule for myself, trying to keep a good diet… You know. All the things we promise ourselves we’ll do and maintain once we’re off Adulting.

I can’t say how it works for other Universities, but at mine, at least, you could get a loft kit for your bed for a small rental fee. Like the name implies, it turned your bed into a loft so you could open up the space under your bed for more room — very important in a small room you have to share. The point here being that, to get into my bed, you had to climb about six rungs to climb inside.

Remember that now.

So it’s about 3am. I’d just gotten off my laptop twenty minutes earlier and slipped it beside my pillow because I was too tired to climb down and set it on my desk. The next day was Friday and I had no classes, so I was very much looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing for most of the day before wandering around the campus to explore. The room was warm, my bed was comfortable, my pillows soft… It was all perfect for drifting off.

I heard the bathroom door open and shut (metal door, made a decent thunk) and I assumed it was my roommate going to the bathroom. Didn’t think much of it.

Until my bed started to shake. Shake with the weight of someone climbing the ladder to get IN it.

The next thing I knew my laptop was in my hands and held over my head as I prepared to LAUNCH it at whatever face showed up at the end of my bed.

To be honest, I’m surprised I didn’t scream: it looked like Sadoko had come right out of the well and decided my bed was the perfect one to climb into.

I must have made some sort of noise, because my roommate flipped her bedside lamp on seconds later and cleared her throat loudly. I looked to her and she was glaring at the foot of my bed. I mean she looked pissed, and to this day, I have never been more grateful that she was there. I genuinely wished we could have become better friends and kept in contact after that year ended.

I looked back at the end of my bed and saw one of our suitemates. Frozen, dead-eyed, and very, very obviously wasted. She just… didn’t move. Sat there frozen at the end of the bed and stared.

Part of me still wanted to throw the laptop at her, but I was still having something of a heart attack and unable to process what was happening once my brain managed to comprehend that, while not at all the ideal situation, I was no longer in danger of being murdered or assaulted.

When The Suitemate didn’t move, my roommate, bless her, announced loudly that this was not her room, and I guess that worked. She just… climbed out of bed and used our front door to walk out into the hallway. Both doors were immediately locked and we just… sat there for a while in silence.

I don’t even remember if I thanked her for what she did. I want to believe I did. I’m fairly sure I did… but there’s a bit of a blur after my bed was no longer inhabited by a drunken dollar store horror knock-off.

Yeah. Not even a month into my first semester. Barely two weeks.

I didn’t end up falling asleep until after 5am. I also kept an obnoxious pile of stuffed animals at the foot of the bed for almost a month. Just in case. Might as well slow down anyone else who tried to follow her example.

If anyone tried… well, I did still have a school-loaned laptop to throw at them. And a 6-inch knife under my pillow. Just in case.

Thankfully, I never had to break a laptop over a bitch’s head or stab them any of the 3.5 years it took me to graduate.

All in all, I’d say that’s a successful way to end one’s university career.

#Nao Blogs Stories #Nao Doodles #Laptops #University #The Title Is Very Honest #Dorm Stories #Dorm Life #College Stuff #Another story moved from my old wordpress

3 notes · View notes

dangermousie · 2 years

Text

S2 ep 7

Aka the last ep before Ivan acquires a body count.

1. I have never watched a reunion between a character I adore and character I like and where I don’t ship them with anyone else at this point in the story with more exasperation. JUST END IT!!! Ivan is probably in my top 5 show characters of all time and I like Caro just fine in s2 but this is a ship that just does not work. She is not in love with him (I don’t think she ever was) and by now, even if he hasn’t caught on, neither is he. It’s just inertia and familiarity and need to have someone. And I don’t even know why Caro came back to him again - he wasn’t chasing her any more, it’s not love, it’s no longer pity, so what? Knowledge that he is a good boyfriend who treats her as a princess? But then what does it say about her supposed great thing for Marcos - it was one thing when she gave up on Marcos because she felt so bad for Ivan who was broken at the time. It’s another matter when she gives up on Marcos because Ivan is a solid boyfriend. Not much of a deep yearning for Marcos to be had there.

I do love that the show never turned either of them into a bad guy or even gave one of them some epic love that ended the relationship - Caro was never obsessed with Marcos and it was a long time after his break up with Caro that Ivan hooked up with Julia. It’s just sometimes two perfectly fine people are not compatible. Anyway, I am with Julia - having a hormonal roommate waking you up because she snuck a dude in and is loudly making up is a quintessential experience in college but annoying as hell :P

2. Since this is a rewatch, any time I see Amelia and Marcos interact, I get a full body shudder. Enjoy dying in a literal ditch, statutory creep!

3. Teacher is terrorizing a student. Is anything gonna happen to them for that? Of course not. But also start of explicit theme that people who prey on underage students are horrors. He spins some story to Julia that he loved the missing girl and Julia (who after all, had a “relationship” with her stepdad) views it as tragic and romantic. But we the viewers are shown that in addition to statutory, he murdered the girl. Math teacher, Julia’s step dad, Amelia - the show never goes into “eh nbd” territory - is is always a symptom of hidden horror.

4. “Gnome” became friends with Paula because she was a ringer for Irene (because she is a clone!) who was kind to him back in 1970s. Once again, in retrospect, Nazis is so obviously an answer to who is doing stuff - they threw away the “damaged” twin - hell, the “gnome’s” mother hated him and said she wished he died. God. They are horrors. (Side note - how much do I adore that Nazi Prince Marcos (with daddy and granddaddy being high up Nazis in this org) brings them down working with so many types of people they hate - son of “undesirables” (teen druggies) Ivan, resident of psych ward Maria, Jewish Fermin, etc etc. In your face!)

5. Slash goggles activated!

6. Marcos realizing Caro is the traitor. You know, I forgot this part - no wonder he has horrifying trust issues by the end. Even some of his closest allies betrayed him (either briefly like Caro or long term like Roque.)

7. Marcos continues to be the best brother ever. Seriously. But you know what hits differently on rewatch? Paula saying that sometimes people look good and are good, it’s not always a mismatch - and uses the example of their parents. Ah, the irony!

8. Slash goggles activating again.

But on a plot note, when Ivan is told Caro is a traitor, his initial reaction is to get in Marcos’ face and defend her; quite a contrast with Caro earlier in the season.

9. When Fermin told Maria he was in love with her, I screamed like I did the first time.

Maria is a fan too. Because a little later, this is going on. And I love that Fermin makes the first move but Maria is the one in charge.

But also, yet another total hint - the painting they found, that Fermin was looking for, is by Bosch - most famous for his phantasmagorical paintings of horror and hell. (Also, Nazis were known for stealing paintings of their victims.)

10. Caro trying to distract Ivan from her theft of evidence by appealing to his hormones is ummm.

Side note - what the hell school is it where students can full on make out half clad in bright daylight in their rooms and nobody notices. (To be fair, later on, Ivan x Julia were literally full on banging in school, but at that point, the place was openly overrun by Nazis, had the plague and/or was cordoned off by the military, so potential teen STDs were the least of their concerns.)

The thing where it goes from umm to WTF STOP GIRL!!! is when she tells him she loves him - and she never said it before. I do think she means it, even if not in a romantic sense - she feels guilty to him and she definitely appreciates how good he is to her, but she also says it as a distraction and that’s not good! (I do love that she is learning her tone-deaf self-righteousness in s1 was not awesome - here is Caro, the one who was most uncomprehending of people not wanting to search for truth for valid RL reasons, betraying that search for a valid RL reason of protecting her mother. I never got into any of her romantic stuff, but she had a really good character arc in the show.)

11. She is confronted by the gang for destroying all their evidence and she explains that she was threatened via her mother’s life and seriously, I don’t ship them but Ivan is boyfriend goals.

Here he is silently comforting her as they watch a snuff film of the judge (they are 16-17 and this is the second snuff video they’ve seen, my god! No wonder they never tell anyone again if they can help it - they get betrayed/it’s futile AND it gets innocent people killed.)

12. And the ep ends on the “gnome” being killed by the cops, for the sin of being different and for a murder that was actually committed by the evil org but he was blamed for because hey he looks like a freak. Summing up the theme that no authority can be trusted in this world because if they are not actively evil, they are complacent, easily fooled, and judging by appearances - powerful, well-mannered people can never be wrong, but those on the margins or that do not fit in, or are outside the structure (by being young, or with weird abilities like Julia or with mental stay record like Maria or w/e else) will not be listened to.

#spanish tv #el internado #mousie rewatches el internado

5 notes · View notes

sab3rto0thed · 15 days

Text

my ex's ex showed me a song she wrote about me. it touched on how absolutely perfect i was, how i had everything she had ever wanted without trying.

i found that gratifying, that she couldn't see my effort. i thought the fact that everything i do is a struggle was more obvious.

i feel like everything i do, i have had to work twice as hard for it. i had to earn my parents' love every day. i had to scrounge for friends like a fucking beggar. i had to plead for affection like a starved dog.

there has never been a moment in time where i thought: oh, this is going to be easy for me. never in my life have i been able to keep a smile on my face for more than an hour. especially not with our ex.

i tried with him. i really, really did. it's hard to be the perfect thing to a boy that doesn't know what he wants, but my effort was there. i put on a hundred different masks every day. i swallowed my own hurt until i thought it was going to shred me from the inside. after we broke up, i dealt with it alone in my bedroom, because no one wants to hear about that shit. my friends were tired of me. i had run out of my monthly allotment of effort. i had wasted it all on him.

it has always been like this. i can never be enough to anyone, ever, no matter how many faces i try on. i find it difficult to believe that anyone would be sitting somewhere and think: oh, we should invite her. she would make this situation better. i am almost always an afterthought.

i understand why. i can't get past the burdens of my own skin. at some point, you get tired of trying. i honed my energy into my own body and gave everything else up.

the night my cat was dying, when his cancer had finally hit its peak, i remember storming around the house and screaming and crying in a panic because i had no idea what to do. i was cruel, of course i was. i had the wrong mask on. but i remember my mom sitting there and saying, "you know, you're really hard to love sometimes." my cat was panting five feet away from me, his last two hours utter misery. i had no idea what to do.

and she is right. i am really hard to love. i am an imperfect person. when boys like me, i cling to them for the warmth and then leave them hanging, and then wonder why they're already gone. i forget that two can play this game. i forget that i am not the only person in the room.

my ex's ex is lovely. i always liked her, despite the hurt that i swallow. she is pretty and kind and a little misguided, and she's like me if i was better. i always thought he chose her because she was easier, which i never thought was a bad thing. i wish i was easier. i figured her body worked better than mine, that she had less scar tissue.

it never had to matter to me that he hurt me. i could forgive him. i am already a damaged person; add it to my fucking resume. i already had intimacy issues, how much worse can a person get?

but he hurt her badly, and i just keep thinking: you should have come to me. i would have protected you.

it feels weird, to be the one that wants to do the protecting. i have begged for protection all of my life, but whenever someone tries to hold me in their arms these days, i feel like i'm going to choke. i would rather hit back than cower behind anyone. i'm tired of cowering.

i like her. i am deeply flattered that she thinks so kindly of me. i can't remember the last time anyone thought of me like that. but i look at my pale face in the mirror and my shaky hands, and i don't know what i am doing here. i could go anywhere in the world and wake up and think: why am i here? what is there?

i am only nineteen. i know that. college is strenuous. i know that, too. i also know i cannot go back home, because my whole family will say "i told you so." they will know that i could not have done it, that my protests were false, that i am an idiot for spending all that money.

i will keep trying. i can do that, at least. but it was a nice awakening, to be seen by someone else. an equal. i finally felt like i belonged somewhere, just for a little while.

1 note · View note

casspurrjoybell-24 · 2 months

Text

The Alpha's Boy - Chapter 1 - Part 2

Book Two In : The Alpha's Trilogy

*Warning - Adult Content*

Alistair 'Star' Claymore-Phoenix

Ivan was my rock, my sunshine on a cloudy day.

When I'm down, he was there to make me feel better.

I've spiralled out of control, more than once and when everyone thought I was at my breaking point, Ivan was there, to show me things could get better.

I watched as Silas took a knife and started slicing the cake, putting the first and biggest slice in front of me, then handed all the other slices to the crowd around us.

We didn't have an overly big family but the Autumn Falls' pack was large, one of the largest actually.

I'm sure it would be bigger had my uncle been here but he's been missing for years and if anyone had so much as said his name, Dad was likely to get emotional and the mood to the party would die.

Ivan bounced over to me, putting an arm around my shoulder and planting a kiss on my cheek.

I groaned, rubbing the feel of their cherry lip gloss off my face.

"How dare you rub off my kiss," Ivan said, a mock disappointment in their tone.

I looked up at him, he was flawless.

His eyes were a calming hazel mixed green, that always looked like they could see into your soul and his face was his 'best feature' as he liked to say.

Back when we were in junior high Ivan got into makeup and honestly, he killed it, his fake eyelashes were the perfect length.

He could go on for hours telling me about blush, contour, eye gunk and all that stuff.

I didn't really care about it but I sat there and listened as he went on and on.

I've spent more hours waiting for him to put his face on, then I have been waiting years, for words to come out of my mouth.

"Happy Birthday you mother-fucking Star-boy," Ivan said, with a laugh.

I glared at him.

'You're not funny,' I signed.

Over the last few years, everybody that I had contact with, went out of their way to learn ASL, which should have made me feel special but really all it did was make me feel awkward and embarrassed.

Sure it was cool that people knew what I was saying but I couldn't help the feeling of it being a burden on everyone.

It was fun teaching my Papa how to sign as Darren always made jokes while we did it and signed the easiest things wrong.

Silas already knew ASL when I had met him, so together we taught Darren, he also helped me teach Ivan.

Some people thought of me as special, that I had my own language.

They thought it was so cool but really, it was far from it.

I longed to laugh with my friends, swear at them, joke with them in a loud group.

I wanted to join in on the screaming contests my little brothers held.

I didn't want everyone to stop and pay attention when I wanted to speak, I just wanted to go with the flow.

I wanted to be like everybody else, so why didn't I wish for that?

Why did I wish to find my mate?

Because I'm fucking realistic that's why.

Darren and Silas had taken me to as many doctors as they could find to try and see if 'anyone' could fix my vocal cords but it was useless.

They were shot, scar tissue was built up, they were healed in the wrong place, fused to another part of my throat.

It would be more damaging to me to go in and try to fix them and the odds of them actually working again were slim to none.

So no, I wasn't making a wish for my voice, besides, when I was phased in my wolf form it was there.

That little voice in my head, it joined into the many other voices around us, a good reason to spend most of my time in my wolf form actually.

Hence why I went for runs most nights, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends because I wanted others to hear me.

I wanted to howl at the moon like the animal I was, I wanted to chew the head off my Father and Dad for embarrassing me and during those moments, I could.

"Now, how about we go for a little drink after this lame gig and get the real party started," my friend Liam said, putting a hand on both Ivan and my shoulder and leaning his head in between us, trying to lower his voice enough to not be heard by my nearby parents or Grandfather but honestly, Liam was a dumb-ass if he thought he could keep a secret around here.

Just as the words passed his lips, my Father and Pack Alpha, Silas glanced over at the three of us with a brow raised, while Dad let off a low chuckle shaking his head.

Ivan lets out a loud laugh as well, just as my Father was about to walk over.

"No way Lee. My big boy and I have plans to crash at my place after this and he's going to see if he can beat my high score in classic Pac-Man. Which is going to take all night because he can't."

With Liam saying that, I watched as my father turned back to Papa and start talking again about Malachi's upcoming therapy session.

'Be outside my place at 10:30' Ivan signed, with a smirk checking around to make sure nobody was actually watching us.

I wanted to snicker along with him, laugh with my friends but I just had to nod and smile, hating the feeling at turned inside me.

I look over, as my eyes met Rudy's who's stood across the room with our friend Declan.

I nodded my head to the right, indicating that I wanted to see him outside.

I got out from my place at the table, telling Ivan and Liam, I would be right back, before sneaking out the back door, with Rudy following not far behind me.

Rudy and I didn't always get along, he had Ivan had gotten close once upon a time and it had admittedly made me jealous.

It was during one of my bad spots, Rudy and I had learnt to work together, on some parts of our relationship.

I walked out of the back-yard of my house, enjoying the cold night air.

It was only eight-thirty but the sun still fell behind the skyline.

The wind was chilly but it was to be expected for January.

"How much did you need?" Rudy asked, digging into his back pocket and pulling out a small baggy.

'Two should hold me over, until I can get to Taylor tomorrow.'

1 note · View note

doperunawaystarfish · 3 months

Text

I'm in pieces. My feelings are so hurt, and it sounds stupid when I try to put into words why. Does that make me wrong on some level? Was I overreacting? I need a few days to process this. Man, I miss Tumblr. Now it really it like screaming into the void . It's always been a place I want to come back to. Wish they hadn't ruined it. I'm sure the mushrooms didn't help the situation. Sean has a lot on his mind. I'm not helping. I was. Then I just turned a switch. I just wanted him to want to spend the night one night. I thought if I showed my love for people he loves, he would come home to be. Be with me. At the end of a long day. In a long week. I just... needed that then. I wanted it so bad. But he didn't choose me. He went home to be with his dog. Understandably she needs to go out in the mornings. I'm always over there because of the dog. In his mom's house. I don't think we're going to move. He'll never leave her. I don't believe he has the balls. That's what it's really all about. Can he choose a life with me, truly?

My trip? Showed me because I was able to take such a gift that I am a shaman. I should be, in a sense. Bear with me. A mentor maybe is a better word . I'm too selfish. I cried. How am I really helping anyone? What good am I doing?

Yeah, and then I act out. On a night Sean needed me for once. And I made a scene out of it. Told him he could go fuck himself too. Yeah, I put the phone down. Why Im here now. Maybe I can read how stupid I am. But my feelings are real. It hurts so ...deep. it sounds like it shouldn't, but it did. And now we're just not talking. Until when? He's finally had enough and leaves this - fulfilling your own selfish 'prophecy' . So you can go crawling back apologizing for how you acted. Hoping he accepts. Gives you a speech about acting out and how damaging it is for the relationship. Again.

Good job, asshole me.

I just realized today I'm probably about to start my period. I wish the doctors would listen. I wish they knew. I wish they could help. I feel like a gelatinous ball of slime. Disgusting. Incapable. I just want to lay in bed and melt. I'm so disgusted at myself sometimes. Of just being human sometimes. For the past two days in just feels like I want to lay in bed and cry. It's so bad. It's be funny , if it wasn't. FML rn. And cramps started today.

What holes I dig myself in...

#self #personal

0 notes

kendrixtermina · 1 year

Text

(Fear the Just, Fear the Merciful)

I pick up a book about how aging works,

or what can happen from various kinds of brain damage

sensously, I whisper to it:

"Tell me all the details of how & why I'm completely hopeless and doomed"

Even now, artifacts of consciousness show themselves as

looping meaningless phrases

I think I would much rather opt out of most this being

I hate that I just get like this sometimes,

entangled, yet then leaving you in wait for answer

but you wouldn’t wish to see what I am now:

For this is the basic proposition of my heart: I hate everything

I suppose I have a talent for it;

I exist as a pendulum swing to those who are such gifted, generous lovers,

because they loved so much I was the wretched casuality

of their being a friend to all and thus, to none

in this existence, already more than one third botched

the thing that I need does not exist

its not gonna romanticise itself

I don’t even care what I’ve done to me,

not anymore

I look at you, last glipmse of lovely,

khairosclerosis even in that moment:

you look just as I might imagine my future victim

maybe there are days on which I do, in fact,

want you to destroy me

yet there is only one me,

and if the destruction does not go exactly as I envision it,

that will be one hell of a waste -

no, even it might turn sour,

and id be bereft of one last beautiful fantasy,

last droplet of comfort

and then I will awaken and find the world again filled with

shaded foreign statue figures

which there can be no communication with

that I, in throes of fearful hope,

yearn to be overlooked by

struck by this flat, subjective sense of weakness

everything pointless. Futile. Sad. Godawfuldepressing.

No soul has ever truly touched another

they just don’t realize they’re guessing cause they’re good at it

cut basic trust with basic scepticism

you say that like its a bad thing,

but so I say I do not want your virtue

nothing is more frightful than the unrelenting just

forsooth!

forsaken

in this at least I keep a degree of freedom

mark myself from them, with bloody scar,

I don’t ever want my lot to depend on other people liking me

but being a soft hearted sucker sure makes life more interesting

and so I still wait,

waiting to move till nobody is looking

pondering if I should make a list of people to tell in case I die,

tidbits scattered in my adressbooks,

they never shall piece it together on their own.

Shall I ever say that a pain is over?

That I had not thought about it in years

It’s just one more music to fill the void.

Under the line, there remains the sum:

Im in such despair but I cant say it

They may have opinions,

if I did,

more blasted drivel of what they want for me to do

If there is to be a lesson to all this, let it be this:

It’s always the ones with the good intentions that you have to fear most of all.

For they have no shame, no restraint, and no mercy.

For what? If they be messengers of god.

And never mind your reality,.

Nope! Don't believe you!

They’ll just ignore the reality of what you say,

and substitute their own:

If I don't value what they value, I must clearly be miserable

I guess screaming in the void has become the lesser evil

sinking untouched, ever deep -

in oceans of mine own creation

your comforts are a blight to me, o hero

#feelings #baby tries to art #poetry

0 notes

ellerie-lee · 1 year

Text

TW: death, Mother’s Day, parent death, abuse, hospital, medicine,

Mother’s Day was Sunday. It kind of snuck up on me. I was actually okay all of the day. Put flowers on her grave. Looked at pictures of her. Read her letters to me. I thought maybe it was getting easier until yesterday I was so wiped out I slept all day. And then I had dreams about her last night. Not bad ones. Just dreams where I was young and she was just being my mom.

As I move through adulthood I begin to understand her perspective and wish we could have had the parent-child relationship into adulthood. I wish I could’ve been out of the reach of her abuse and sat with it and forgiven her while she was alive. She had narcissistic personality disorder and probably some level of sociopathy, something that my therapist has only realized now that she’s gone. She was unable to show empathy and it must have frustrated her that she couldn’t. She must’ve been running herself in circles trying to figure out how to love and support me when she just didn’t know how. She didn’t know how. I wish we could’ve sat down and I could’ve said “stop pushing yourself so hard, we’ll figure out how to communicate our love in another way. I know it’s there. We’ll figure it out.” But she was taken right on the cusp of that understanding. I thought she hated me. She was just loving me the only way she knew how and it never got through. I’m not sure my love ever got through to her either. I pushed myself through school and wrung myself inside out graduating summa cum laude to show her I loved her. I don’t think it ever got through that I pushed myself so hard for her because I loved her. She said I stressed her out and that the stress of me existing would kill her. And then a month later she died. I *know* logically I didn’t kill her, but it’s the thought that she might have believed it that haunts me at night. I think that even though I gave up my life to follow the path she chose for me, gave up my friends and hobbies and interests and identity and sexuality to please her and show her how devoted I was, I think she thinks I killed her. I think she thinks as she laid there dying the fact I knew enough about medicine but couldn’t save her meant I wanted her to die. I tried to save her, I did everything I could. I stayed up 3 days straight and didn’t eat and held her right hand and comforted her. The nurses almost admitted me to the ER because I lost the ability to stand from being weak. They couldn’t pull me away from her. My body was so wracked with stress. All I could do was watch her monitor while she slept and watch her stats slowly drop. She was in so much pain she’d cry out randomly and I’d call for a nurse and they’d administer a cocktail of pain meds at once until her whimpers stopped. She told me years prior that if this ever happened, to never give her all those pain meds that knock her out. But she screamed and cried and even though she was barely lucid when I’d look in her eyes and ask her if she wanted pain meds she’d nod and whimper and I couldn’t tell her no. She started having brain damage and I watched her consciousness slip away. She was gasping for air and making a gurgling sound which I only found out was a death rattle weeks later. Did I kill her by administering the pain meds? Did she die still holding animosity towards me? After she passed I quit the career she chose for me, shaved my hair, pierced my ears and nose and nipples and did everything she said not for me to do, out of the sheer anger that she went and died on me. I was 24. It was a month before my wedding day. I needed my mom. I still need my mom. Does she hate me in the afterlife? Does she see how much better I’m doing without constant fear of abuse and hate me for it? Sometimes the guilt outweighs the joy of my freedom. I’m doing my dream job, I have bodily autonomy, I’m out, and I can make my own choices without her approval. Does she see that and hate that for me? Does she see me laugh and smile with my friends in a way I haven’t in my entire life and resent me? Does she see me have a stable relationship with my dad and sister now that she’s gone (something she worked very hard to negate) and get enraged? Is there an afterlife? Does it matter?

I put flowers on her grave and said hi. I wish I could’ve done more. I wish I could fix it. It kills me I can’t.

1 note · View note

rianafying · 2 years

Text

i wonder if the person i dated who had anger issues and many other issues that rlly hurt me, that he has them? like i wonder if he truly realises what he did. he said he did but i feel like it had a lasting effect on me in a way that he will never understand. is one of the things i think about at 4am when i’m scrambling to finish an assignment. kind of a sad state of mind this thought put me in. so much hurt. and then it’s over. i thought i’d feel free er than i do. but i keep carrying around this damage along with heaps of other damage. if i leave it for a while it catches up with me and screams at me till i pick it up again. sometimes i forget about it all. but more often than not i’m consumed by the thoughts of how it would’ve been if these things hadn’t happened. how nice it’d have been to not have been broken down so many times throughout such a relatively short life so far, compared to like most people. by most people i mean most people now, not like most people in the history of the universe who never lived past their childhood, let alone their twenties. i guess i’m lucky in that way? i don’t feel lucky in that way though. i do feel lucky in some other ways. and i feel unlucky in some other ways. such a long winded way of communicating something so dull? common? obvious? are my feelings less meaningful because they’ve been felt by everyone? why do my feelings even need to be meaningful and substantial? like they’re just feelings, just feel them and shut up. and besides i have to do something completely insane and probably sexually deviant, in order to feel a feeling that is even remotely original. what a strange time to live in. to be born now and not before the meteor hit, or before this planet had an atmosphere, or even before it had water, even before protons and neutrons, maybe even never, or later. why me? why do i think? sometimes i wonder if i’m truman from like the show. when people look at me on the tram. what if i’m living in a simulation? i can see why people believe in these conspiracy theories. probably similar to whatever reason leads people to believe in a higher power and religion and what not. i believe in a higher power. but i also feel stupid for it. i think i’m an absolute idiot most of the time. especially like right now. i don’t understand most things.

i have the weirdest of dreams. i wish i could live in them. it’s not like reality is unbearable. it’s just that the characters in my dreams are fun and we do things, like go on adventures. nothing truly remarkable happens in my actual life. in reality, things go wrong, things go right and the way i survive is by not making a big deal out of anything. just get through the day. and keep doing my tasks. but in my dreams, i just, have a lot of fun. like actual fun. not like me convincing myself i’m having fun and trying to romanticise my life. it’s like actually magical and romantic. not romantic like love but romantic like amazing and beautiful.

oh about the pile of garbage in my room, specifically the one on my bed is getting so massive, it’s like thrice my size and i’m starting to get scared that it will 1) smother me in my sleep by falling like an avalanche or 2) will turn into a giant living fermenting sentient garbage creature. in my head both of these situations are extremely likely. i’m not too bothered, just a little scared. but i accept my fate, no matter what happens. i used to think something died in there. but like what? i don’t know. my imagination runs wild sometimes. or maybe it’s all real. i can’t help but feel like it’s all real. sometimes i feel like i’m going crazy, not in a manic way, but like a slow descent into madness that exists only within my mind. i function mostly like a normal person. whatever normal means. who is normal even.

sometimes i think that i’m never really actually having any fun, i just try to fake it. i feel like i tell myself that oh this is a nice scenery i’m supposed to feel emotional and maybe peaceful or happy. i guess i try to feel what i’m supposed to feel. what do i even feel. i definitely feel scared. and i definitely feel worried. i definitely feel sad. and like there is a lump somewhere halfway between my throat and my chest. i feel bothered. i feel the lack of peace. i feel relieved that things aren’t as bad as they could’ve been or used to be. but that’s not like a good relief. i just feel grief for everything that happened before. even though it’s over, it all still makes me sad. i think i need a funeral. for something. i guess that’s a way of trying to get closure. which is not real. sometimes i feel like my head will explode. sometimes i feel like my body will melt like plastic, not ice cream. be hard and sticky and burnt and uneven and chemical-y and odorous. toxic fumes and bubbling fat. i worry that all my skin will turn to crusty scales. halfway there already. i’m waiting to go bald. in a way, i waiting for death. but i’m also waiting for the worst. there’s so much that’s worse than death. like most things. i just wanna get it all o er with, rip every bandaid, break every bone, pull out every tooth and hair, pick at every scab until there is nothing left. i want to find the self destruct button. but i can’t. i have to live through this slow burn of a psychological thriller.

it’s all me me me i think i feel i can i can’t i want i need i i i i me me me me it’s all i think of all i write about all i am just me, and myself only

i used to have violent fantasies of hurting my mother as a child. i never acted on anything obviously. wait no one time i dipped her toothbrush in the toilet and put it back. and her husband’s toothbrush as well. they deserved much worse. but i’m too good to do any actual harm. never told em obviously. probably the worst thing i’ve done in life. on purpose. i had to. i don’t rlly regret it. she used to beat me and hurt me so much and gave very graphic violent threats, such as saying she’ll rip the skin off my back. oh and the time she beat me with a pipe on my legs and left bruises that lasted 3 years. slapped me leaving five finger marks on my face and back. kicked me while i was sobbing on the floor. so strange that my father wasn’t that much better, throwing chairs at me, kicking my food, i guess they were a good match? maybe it didn’t work because opposites attract and likes repel? i think about all this often, but honestly it’s not the physical abuse that hurt, the emotional torture was so much worse. and i remember it all. well obviously not all. but i remember a lot. i wish i didn’t. vivid memories. two crazy losers boinked hehe and an even crazier creature was born (it’s me). i have a sibling but i feel like an only child. i have parents but i feel like an only child, like only myself, a child, and nobody else. my sibling is great though. couldn’t have survived without daisu. or maybe i could have. who cares. i have daisu.

i’ve always dreamed of sharing all my feelings and life stories with someone who’d understand the depth of it all, and take care of me forever and not hurt me or leave me or abuse me. someone who would love me. like actually love me. but such a person doesn’t exist. and i am never ever ever going to try to find love again. i have no business doing romance. it’s like poison for me. it’s like self harming.. it’s like the worst form of self harm. hoping to be loved.

listening to this song tonight. so many people.

days go by, i’ll never know, i’ll never have words to explain what is going on

i’ll be fine though. i always am. but at what cost.

my head hurts, probably from the screen-time. turns out i spend over 16 hours on just my phone daily. oh i just found out it’s twice as much as the average which is already considered a lot. huh. fun.

#personal #Spotify

0 notes