astorystrangerthanfiction

[astorystrangerthanfiction]

a story stranger than fiction 002

ive felt alone a lot of my life, im a left handed pisces, this world wasn't built for someone like me, its always been a constant battle to get people to understand me, I think at some point I gave up trying, and adopted the moto your either with me or against me, ive held my friends close to me, kinda made every friend a brother or sister, im 33 years old now and don't know anyone I can trust, which is probably why im writing this instead of talking to someone, 

we touched abit on the relationship with my mother, but I also have an older sister and a father, I have 2 biological brothers, both of wich are more like me than id like to admit, we all ended up in juvy the same age for the same charges and we all grew up in different homes, ive met one of my brothers hes a half brother, same mother, my biological father named my older brother, my bio father is filipino and ive never met him, infact he doesn't know I exist,  his name is ricardo rubiano, and I pray one day we will cross paths, so we both know that each other exists, ive heard many stories of why he doesn't know me or didn't raise me, non of which I know are true, so that's been a hold on me for many years, I had so much anger towards my bio mother, but never really came to terms with it until I met my bio mother in 2013, I took one of my oldest friends who I thought was my brother for life, we met in juvy many years ago, turns out he never really was my friend, but that's a story for later.

I geuss what im trying to express is why ive had very little trust towards people I know and why ive learned to deal with feeling alone. my sister is a pretty amazing person, with a huge heart and a kindness that she inherited from the family I grew up in, my father, well to me hes superman, hes the most loving caring person in my life and the greatest male role model you could ever ask for hes always had my back through all of my life, and I couldn't ask for a better father ever, the only man ive ever seen stronger and as loving and dedicated to his family is his father who is my grandfather, my grandparents have been married 61 years raised 5 amazing children and a family so strong I don't think ill ever experience that bond and dedication ever in my life again,

my actions and choice drove a wedge between my sister and I my mom and I used to fight so much everyday it made my sister move out when I was 12, and I think that was what pulled me from my sister, she was my best friend as a child, and when she left was the first time I felt alone, and because of that I think was one of the first walls I put up towards my family, I don't blame fuck I dunno if I could have delt with me at that time to be honest, 

my dad he was gone a lot he took a job that made him be away for weeks and months at a time, and so I think I started a lot of fights with my mom just so she would call him to get me to calm down, its not that I don't understand now why things had to be the way they were but I didn't as a child. and with that drove a steak between me and my mother, I don't blame him he always did his best to keep this family togather, and im glad he did, because there was a lot of healing in my family after I left home and im shocked he managed to keep it togather as well as he did. and still have the love for me he does today as he always did, and that ill never be able to repay.

I just wanted to give you a better understanding of my family so you don't think my mother is some sorta enemy. she isn't, she did her best raising a demon she did without understanding the genes I came from. 

thanks again for reading

to be continued

[astorystrangerthanfiction]

a story stranger than fiction 001

so I dunno really where to start, so I geuss ill start from the first time I exposed myself to the devils handshake, 

I grew up Christian I was homeschooled till grade 8 and was a pretty hard child to raise, I was adhd, very rebellious, and angry as a child. I was extremely smart and observant for a child, but I hated being told what to do and did everything in my power to make sure I got to do what I wanted, I got into so much trouble as a kid im pretty sure I was grounded from 9 till I first went to juvy at 16, which oddly enough was the first time I felt free, but we will get into that in abit.

i got into trouble alot because of curiosity and understanding, i was always extremely talented but always used it to prove to myself i can accomplish what i want, but i always seemed to want and understand  things that well got me into trouble,

my mom and i we never really got along, that effected me a lot as a child, i grew up always thinking that one mother gave me away because she didn't want me and then was adopted to another mother who didn't like me, infact one of phrases that always stuck with was “we are forced to love because we are your parents but that doesn't mean we like you” my mother was really sick a lot of my childhood well most of my life really, and i couldn't understand that as a child, she also had a very Christian perspective of the world were as if i couldn't understand than to me it made no sense to live by. i also felt like i was constantly told what i cant do or not allowed to do or disciplined for things i did do that i was proud of. ive never really amended my relationship with my mother, i think we just kinda learned to tolerate each other, i stopped blaming her for my actions in my early mid 20s, being homeschooled and constantly fighting everyday for as long as i can remember. tends to harm the trust between child and mother, because of that i lashed out a lot, stealing, lieing, silent treatment, temper tantrums ect, and those led to me breaking laws and eventually going to jail. i love my mother a lot more than ill ever be able to express, i don't connect with my family very well, especially my mother and because of that i don't speak with my family very often,  i fear the day she dies because im scared i wont learn how to connect before its to late and that puts a hold on the walls i have placed on my heart. ive never really been able to trust my family because i seen the road i was going to take and kinda knew they would never support or understand that, how could they i never understood it really myself until the day i met my biological mother and understood where i came from and why i had this desire to be …. well a shit head to say the least, but know i have mad love for my family, regardless the actions and choices your gonna read about down the road

wow to be honest i didn't think this was going to be so emotional for me ive probably wrote this in my head a million times but wow is it heavy putting it on paper and reading it for myself so im going to stop here for today, because well its only going to get heavier as we go, so 

to be continued

thanks for reading  

[astorystrangerthanfiction]

Introduction to ‘a story stranger than fiction’

to start off im abit dyslexic and extremely adhd, so work with me and ill try my best to make this easy for you.

the story im about to share isn't a list of fabricated scenarios to better relate with others but this story is to help lift those who do relate and can find any sort of inspiration to continue fighting through life.

this will be written through a series of posts with the title “. a story stranger than fiction”

ive wanted to write for many years and I geuss now has finally come to the time I need to finally put it all to words.

my name is jaredkash I was born a pisces 1986 adopted into a middleclass  Christian family at birth. and spent over half my life living on the other side of the tracks, I spent many years in the church and also have a lot of time behind bars. I was adopted from a dysfunctional family who couldnt find the resources to take care of me and was blessed with an adopted mother and father that have such amazing hearts morals ethics and love me very much.

I wanted to tell this story as raw as possible but unfortunately, I cant because there are people I need to protect regardless my current relationship with these people, and I don't want to indirectly derail and comprehend there safety and security, so I will be using different names and places to protect them,

this isn't a story of another  drug dealer or a hustler or of another child who lost his way but a story of a boy trying to understand the shadows of life, and find his way to become a good hearted, strong inspirational man, this is a story of my life, 

I hope you find something that can either teach you something about yourself, or can help you understand the lifestyle and struggles of someone you love who has also lost there way, but mostly something that inspires you to elevate yourself to a higher understanding of yourself and others in general. mostly I hope to also learn something about myself so that I can better understand my influence on others 

thank you and enjoy. <3